diff --git "a/rjokes.csv" "b/rjokes.csv" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/rjokes.csv" @@ -0,0 +1,43240 @@ +,score,text +0,1,"I'll have a cheeseburger with a large coke, The blonde girl requested. ""Excuse me miss, this is a library."" ^^""I'll ^^have ^^a ^^cheeseburger ^^with ^^a ^^large ^^coke,"" she whispered." +1,0,Who is Michael J. Fox's Favorite Football Player? Michael Strayhand. +2,1,"Three nurses went to heaven. Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, ""I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."" St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, ""I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."" St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, ""I was a case manager for an HMO."" St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, ""Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!""" +3,1,Knock knock Who’s there? Abby Abby who? Abby New Year! +4,3,"A guy calls in sick to work His boss doesn't believe him and calls him back. Boss says: ""You don't sound sick"". Guy answers: ""I'm in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?""" +5,0,"How do you get your stomach pumped? Swallow a speaker playing ""Remember the Name""" +6,1,"You know, Ireland has really made a comeback since the potato famine... Everyday the population is Dublin" +7,2,My last date just told me she tested HIV positive It's always so hard to act surprised. +8,2,"What did the tie say to the hat? I’ll hang around, you go on ahead." +9,2,"Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well..." +10,1,Why don't people put pieces of glass up their buttholes? Because it's a pane in the ass. +11,1,"Sex A Hell's Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, ""I'm next."" He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter. He says, ""I never done it with a cop!""" +12,2,A teenage couple had kids but after some time went to court for being unsuitable parents... ...the result? Tried as adults. +13,6,How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef? He spent his day cutting up vegetables +14,5,"The U.S mint stopped making pennies. I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents." +15,3,"They say there is a murderer in every group I thought it's jack, so i killed him before he could harm somebody." +16,0,Sorry Just practicing for my move to Canada. +17,2,So there was this Vegan who decided not to talk about being a vegan for a whole day... Just kidding. +18,1,What do prostitutes and battleships have in common? They are filled with seamen +19,0,"What is a small loan of money? ""a small loan of a million dollars""" +20,2,Time is like a mountain It is very difficult to budget +21,4,"[NSFW] Wife : ""I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. ..The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."" Husband : ""How about the ones like mine?"" Wife : ""Those they gave away."" Husband : ""I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."" Wife : ""And how much for the ones like mine?"" Husband : ""That's where they held the auction.""" +22,0,What did the cowboy say when he visited Pompeii? What in tarnation? +23,4,"My grand father fought in WW2. Whenever I bring it up, he says he never wants to talk about it again. What a sore loser" +24,5,"I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday, I beat the raining champion." +25,0,Did you hear Remington is going out of business thanks to Trump being elected? Turns out Trump will be the last Bushmaster. +26,1,"Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time... Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, ""Do ye suppose it's true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?"" Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection. ""Oh, faith and begorrah! That's gruesome!"" screamed the nuns, running away. ""Och! Come back!"" the Scot shouted after them. ""It just grew some more!""" +27,0,"In what class did ISIS lecture about foreign lands? In Jihadgraphy, of course!" +28,2,Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn? A lemon tree school +29,2,Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk? Because it was a mute ant. +30,3,Do you know the antonyms of the following words? Always Coming From Take Me Down +31,0,I would trade 50 IQ points to be over 6 feet tall... ...but then I’d have an IQ of 0. +32,0,"What did Richard Spencer say when a white woman fell and hit her head? Ma'am, are you alt right?" +33,0,When listing all important Siths... should I also Count Dooku? +34,4,"Man: Doctor, is it serious?! Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!" +35,2,Did you hear about the guy who had his bamboo plant stolen? He was bamboozled +36,0,Drayman green pushing to go to game five... if you push back he'll hit you in the nuts. +37,0,Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide +38,2,"On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, ""I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me"". Bride: Kiss my ass." +39,6,"Three tortoises go on a picnic... Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. ""Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."" ""I didn't bring it,"" says Les. ""I thought you packed it."" Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, ""Did you bring the bottle opener??"" Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........ ""I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!""" +40,2,The five senses have had massive lay-offs in their financial department. There's no accounting for taste. +41,4,"Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, ""I think we got this joke wrong.""" +42,0,"The Favourite Child ""Hey Dad"", said Heaven to her father, ""Why am I called Heaven?"" The father answered: ""Because that's the place you were born, my child"" the daughter walked off with a smile. Seconds later the next child walked in and asked: ""Dad, Why am I called Flowers?"" ""Because thats the place you were born, my daughter"", Flowers walks off with a smile. Seconds later another child walks in: ""DaD, WhErE WaS I Bo-"" ""SHUT UP CAB""" +43,2,I have sexDaily I meant Dyslexia +44,3,Today I saw two kids fighting in the playground. As a teacher I had to step in... These fuckers didn't stand a chance. +45,1,Fiding out a hot gay guy likes you is like finding 1 trillion pesos... It doesnt do much utill you cross the border. +46,5,"Two male deer walk out of a gay bar... One says to the other ""I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!""" +47,1,"I was born without eyelids I was circumcised and my foreskin was used to create eyelids for me. The surgery was a success, I'm just a little cockeyed. " +48,3,"My girlfriend got angry that I always pretended to be using walky talkies... ""it really annoys me"" she said ""this relationship is over"" ""this relation ship is what? Over"" I said. She hasn't spoke to me since. " +49,6,"in mexico, we don't say ""I love you"" cause we dont speak english." +50,1,Quality control at a Whack-a-Mole factory ...Is either hit or miss +51,2,A capacitor hit my head. uf! +52,0,Why did trump want to ban vaping on 9/11? To make America Smoke again! +53,1,"I invented a new word. Blooptershlorfin. I figured ""plagarism"" has been invented enough times already..." +54,0,"A man ends up in hell and the devil sidles up next to him. A man ends up in hell and the devil sidles up next to him. ‘Welcome to hell!’ Says the devil. ‘Er, thanks,’ says the man. Rather doubious about what he’s about to experience. ‘Tell me, do you like beer?’ Asked the devil. The man was very shocked. ‘Like beer?’ He said, ‘I love it!’ ‘Well you’re going to love Mondays. There will be so many beers to choose from, you’ll have trouble trying them all, plus you can drink as much as you like without the consequences.’ Happy, the man started to relax. ‘Tell me, do you like smoking?’ The devil asked. Again, the man was shocked. ‘I love smoking!’ ‘Well, you’ll love Tuesdays! You can smoke as many cigarettes, pipes and cigars as you like. You can smoke all three at once if you’d like?’ Chuffed, the man begins to really love the idea of hell. ‘Now, tell me. Do you like to be taken roughly up the back passage?’ Asks the devil. The man, in shock, has trouble finding his words. ‘No! No I do not!’ ‘Oh...’ said the devil deflated. ‘You’ll hate Wednesdays.’" +55,1,"I saw this guy today at Starbucks... I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee. Like a psychopath. Source: r/sickipedia" +56,0,We can do this the easy way Or the United way! +57,0,50% of all Redditors post from a toilet. Do you know where the other half post from? Didn't think so. Don't forget to wash your hands. +58,1,I just got a job teaching in America! Yeah. Geography as a foreign language. +59,0,What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the river Bob +60,2,"50% of Canada is full of The letter ""eh""" +61,3,How do you purify sewage water? You boil the shit out of it +62,5,"Yo Momma so ugly... Scorpion from Mortal Kombat be like ""Stay over there.""" +63,3,"Two painters are painting a church They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away. A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch. ""Repaint and thin no more""" +64,0,When programming is life: Friend: you're the real MVP Programmer: Minimal viable product!!?? +65,2,Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter... are fucking nuts. +66,1,"Eminem must have the most annoying voicemail ever.... Eminem must have the most annoying voice mail ever: Slim: Hi! Me: Hey, dude just calling to- Slim: MY NAME IS WHAT?! Me: Dammit, not again- Slim: MY NAME IS WHO?! Me: OMFG! Slim: MY NAME IS SLIM SHADY Me: Every damn time....." +67,3,"A hot blonde makes a decision....... A hot blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... ""FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.""" +68,1,Why is the bride on the left in a wedding ceremony? Because after the marriage she is always right. +69,9,"A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is. Little girl: ""Mommy, what's a Penis? Mom: ""Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."" Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"" Mom: ""Then you'll get more.""" +70,0,Why Did Louis CK Perform at the Comedy Cellar? He wanted to make a cumback! +71,5,"When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody laughed when she said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody is laughing now" +72,2,"A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to leap higher than a 1 story house. This is due to the extremely powerful hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses cannot leap." +73,2,What type of phones do they use in jail? Cell phones. Duh! +74,1,What do you call a Kid that stands up to his Bullies? School shooter. +75,3,"Yo Mama You know your mama is a very religious woman. But she is so fat it doesn't seem to help her much. Every time she says, ""Get thee behind me Satan!"", he looks at her and says ""How?""" +76,2,Watched a pretty good Daft Punk documentary last night. I think I'll watch it one more time. +77,2,Programmer: What's your ip? Mathematician: ln(-1) +78,3,"I recently bought a toilet brush... Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper." +79,0,"So a guy is showing his pal pics from his trip to Alaska. Guy: Hey man look at this fish. Pal: Oh, did you take a pic of your halibut? Guy:Yea, but only for the Hell-i-but!" +80,1,"So theres a man having trouble pleasuring his wife... Every time he tries to have sex with her, she never gets off. He starts looking up different positions and types of foreplay. Still, nothing works, eventually he goes to male enhancement. Still nothing is working. His wife is growing more irritable by the day and he cant do anything about it. As a final attempt he finds out about a witch doctor. Leaving in secret he goes to a small shack out in the woods and enters. To his surprise, the witch doctor is just a regular looking old man with a long beard. ""Now whats the problem youre having?"" the witch doctor asks. ""Well you see... I cant get my wife to orgasm and I'm afraid our marriage is falling apart."" He says The witch doctor strokes his beard for a few moments. ""Wait here"" He says and goes into the back of his home. There flashes of light and echoing chants can be heard, right before the man gets ready to leave everything goes quiet. The witch doctor comes around with a small vial of clear liquid. ""Now listen closely"" he says, ""you must only take one drop per night, when the vial is emptied you will no longer have any problems."" the man takes the vial and hands the witch doctor his payment. Hastily he takes down his number and goes home. Eager to do right by his wife. In the driveway he takes one drop. He goes in and wakes his wife and treats her to the best sex of their lives. The next night he takes another drop, to find the sex just as good. The next night he decides to try two drops. He and his wife have better sex. The next night he decides ""screw what the witch doctor said"" and drinks the rest of the vial. That morning his son finds the slip with the witch doctors number. As soon as he picks up the kid yells: ""What the fuck did you give my dad!? My moms dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt is bleeding, and dads in the backyard searching for the cat!"" " +81,6,If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter Then does that mean that black lies matter? +82,2,Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with. +83,0,What do little sisters and men with an interest in FemDom have in common? They love being called sissy. +84,1,How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories. Sent from my iPhone. +85,1,Who is the most appropriately named Asian porn star who specialises in rough anal? Lee King Rim +86,0,PSA: DON'T STAY QUIET WHEN PEOPLE ARE TEXTING YOU LIKE THIS. There is a high chance that you were subjected to capital punishment. +87,0,"I'm so glad to wake up, look at the front page and see who won. Now I will go back to sleep knowing we are all fucked." +88,0,How did the Jewish boy do on his English test? Hebrew it. +89,1,The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week. The pilot was sick. +90,3,"2 chemists walk into a bar. One asks for H2O, and the other one asks for some water. The bartender passes two glasses of water down the bar. ""Why did you have to say water like that?"" asks the second chemist. The other one is sad that his assassination plan did not work." +91,2,"I used to know a pair of exterminators... We had an older guy, named Rick, and his younger rookie partner, named Bill. Bill wasn't very good at the job at first... he could never figure out where to spray for bugs, since he didn't know where they'd be. The first time he told Rick about this problem, Rick told him ""if there's a place or a thing in the bug's name, spray there, because that's where they are and where we don't want them to be."" ​ So on an outing, they had a customer that was complaining about bedbugs. Bill asked Rick where he should spray for them, and Rick replies ""I told you, if there's a place or a thing in the bug's name, spray there, because that's where they are and where we don't want them to be."" So Bill sprayed down the bed, and a few weeks later, no more bedbugs. ​ The next time they were out, they were answering a call about wood roaches. Bill asked him where he should spray. Rick said again, ""if there's a place or a thing in the bug's name, spray there, because that's where they are and where we don't want them to be."" So Bill sprayed down all the woodwork in the area, and soon, the roaches were gone. ​ Then there was this one time, when a customer called in complaining of cockroaches... Bill decided he'd sit that one out." +92,1,Having a bra made from a tree would be a bit strange Wooden tit. +93,0,Retard Larry got some bad news over the phone today He's got retard cancer +94,6,What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A Dictater. +95,0,Who is the supreme religious leader of the corns? Pope corn! +96,2,This month I feel attracted to vacations. I think it's due to the force of July. +97,3,My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects. It’s a small scale operation. +98,0,"The 3 Cowboys Three cowboys - one from Texas, one from Oklahoma, and the third from Arkansas - are sitting around a fire trying to out-brag one another. The Texan gloats, ""Just the other day I wrestled a bull with my bare hands."" The Oklamhoman replies, ""Oh, yeah? I grabbed a snake and bit its head off."" The Arkansan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis." +99,0,What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop +100,2,I was at the atm and an old lady asked me to help check her balance ... So I pushed her over +101,1,I'm a chronic procrastinator AMA I'll answer these later +102,0,"I'm worried my son is into auto-erotic asphyxiation... He was delivered yesterday with one hand clutching the umbilical cord cinched around his neck, and the other hand furiously tugging his penis. And he came when the doctor slapped him on the ass." +103,1,"My friends didn't anticipate upset stomach after eating at Barcelona. Obviously, nobody expects the spanish indigestion." +104,1,What do you call uncooked broccoli? Raw-ccoli. I’ll see myself out. +105,0,Always wash your hands at the shooting range before you go pee. You don't want your girlfriend to get lead poisoning! +106,0,Donald Trump was my Reddit Secret Santa this year... ...and I'm already bankrupt. +107,2,Two drums and cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tsss +108,2,I thought Trump wanted a wall. Turns out he got a cave. +109,0,What happens when you win the dehydration competition? You get Firsty +110,4,What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father in law +111,3,What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending. +112,5,"Why does Superman have a lower case ""s"" on his chest? Because not all heroes wear caps. " +113,0,Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. +114,1,"Here we see the majestic Woodchuck, also known as a Groundhog which begs the question How much ground would a ground hog hog if a ground hog could hog ground?" +115,2,"I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask ""What herbs should I season which fish with?"" I told him ""Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice.""" +116,0,What email service do Gangsters use? Gmail. +117,4,What is the similitude between and air conditioner and a computer? Opening windows makes both less efficient. +118,0,I don't like going down on white guys. I have discriminating taste. +119,1,I was going to tell a gay joke... butt fuck it. +120,0,What is the only thing that Mississippi is good for? Telling time! +121,0,What is the difference between a suicide bomber and a Liberal. Suicide bombers know what their gender is. +122,4,I like my coffee the way I like my women... Anyway I can get them. +123,3,"What are our names? A hen and her chick are having a talk. ""Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen."", asks the chick. ""Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts."", Says the hen, ""but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken....""" +124,1,Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job +125,0,"Hear ear Margaret was in hospital for a cosmetic labia majora labiaplasty. The morning after the operation, she awoke to find a large bouquet of flowers by her bedside. The accompanying card read ... 'Hi, this is John in the Burns Unit and I just wanted to thank you for my new ears.xx'" +126,1,What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin +127,3,Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo is heavy and a zippo is a little lighter. +128,1,I invented a new word today... Plagiarism +129,2,Why was the king a foot tall? Because he was a ruler. +130,2,MORE IS LESS Q. What five-letter word becomes shorter if you add two letters to it? A. “Short” (add +”er”)! +131,3,Me: unzips* Also me: clicks on file +132,1,"My friend asked me if I could tie a rope... I awnser him ""No, i can knot"" " +133,4,What do Michael Jackson and an oyster have in common? Both come on little white crackers. +134,4,"A Police officer pulled over a driver and informs him that he has just won $1000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. ""What are you going to do with the prize money?"" the officer asks. The man responds, ""I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."" His wife says, ""Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk."" The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, ""I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."" Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, ""Are we over the border yet?"" " +135,2,Why is six afraid of seven Because seven is a registered six offender. +136,0,So apparently they renamed the Secret Cow Level in Diablo 3 in honor of Diablo: Immortal... The Secret Cash Cow Level +137,3,If light does indeed travel faster than sound... Why did I hear the BMW behind my family’s car sound his horn before the light turned green? +138,1,Why does 6 hate being under 7? It's just not rational. +139,1,Wicked people in the Old Testament didn’t drink milk We know this because the wicked were always visited with utter destruction. +140,0,Why did the beaver cross the road? Dam +141,1,Why did the T-Rex stay away from the triceratops? Because the triceratops was a registered rex offender. +142,1,"2 peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted." +143,2,"A drunk guy walks up to a cop on the street... and says ""Man, I think somebody stole my car."" The cop replies ""Alright, where was it?"" ""Well, it was right on the end of this key."" The cop says ""How about you go down to the precinct and fill out a report, they'll get you set up and put everything in writing."" He says thanks and starts to walk off, and the cop stops him and says ""Before you go, though, you should probably zip up your fly."" The guy says ""oh man, they stole my girl too!""" +144,0,I like my women like i like my fats: Trans. +145,4,"A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver The cop tells the driver ""License please."" ""What is a license?"" the driver answers. The cop replies ""it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."" As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says ""Found it! Here you go officer!"" and hands a mirror to the cop. The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver. ""If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!""" +146,1,If karma is a bitch Then aren't we trying to farm and get bitches in reddit? +147,6,I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby... ...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby. +148,2,Why did the english student get an F? His poem had ABAD rhyme pattern. +149,2,"(NSFW) So me and a couple of my friends agreed to a threesome And we went at it for forty five minutes, slapping cheeks, swearing, sweating but then I stop and I ask him, “Hey bro, when is she getting here?”" +150,2,What’s the best part about turning 50? My mom is so old that she can’t make it down the stairs to catch me jerking off. +151,1,I know a guy who saved all his life to buy a cemetery plot. Then he took a cruise and was lost at sea. Moral: Be careful what you plot! +152,2,Can't find any batteries for my vibrator What a buzz kill! +153,0,How do you make someone stop being a furry? Make them laugh their tail off +154,3,"An old man and an old woman went on a vacation to Las Vegas every year... Each time as they walked past the helicopter rides the woman would say to the man ""please please please take me on a helicopter ride!"" Every year the old man inquired about the cost of ride. Every year $100 was the response from the operator. Being a frugal old man he would look over at his aging wife and say ""I would take you up honey but you know - $100 is $100."" This took place year after year after year. The operator got to know the frugal old couple and felt sorry for the little old lady. One year he finally said ""I tell ya what - I'll make you a deal. I'll take you up for free as long as you don't make a single sound. If you shriek or scream or even gasp then you pay me $100."" They had a deal and the frugal old couple was sure they were about to get a free helicopter ride. Once in the operator pulled out all the stops. He dove and ducked and dodged the clouds. He pulled the craziest maneuvers known to helicopter enthusiasts. Rolls and loops and stops and gos. Not a sound from the back. Finally he gave up and landed the helicopter. He looked back at the little old lady and proclaimed ""I thought for sure I had you! I can't believe you didn't make a single sound!"" The little old lady, white as a ghost, looked up and said ""Well, to tell you the truth, I was going to say something when my husband fell out, but you know, $100 is $100.""" +155,1,"2 men walk into a bar “One beer for me and one for jackass” one of the men say The bartender give them the beers and the same man says to his buddy “hey jackass, I’m gonna use the bathroom. Wait here”. After the man leaves, the bartender asks “so what did you do for him to call you jackass?” The man replies “HEE HAWWWWW, HEE HAWWWW, HEE HAWWWWlways calls me that!”" +156,1,A farmer trained his rooster to peel the husks off of corn What a cock-shucker +157,0,"Two cows in a field One says ""its cold"" The other says ""holy fuck, a talking cow!""" +158,0,[nsfw] What does a blond become when she is turned uppside-down? A brunett with bad breath +159,2,What do princess diana and pink floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was the wall. +160,1,"Wasn't crazy about getting genital warts but I have to admit, they are growing on me" +161,2,Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted. +162,0,Why would pirates be great at fixing and drying clothing? They're very familiar with patches and pegs +163,0,"What did the hill that was counting its pocket change say to the other hill? ""Don't worry, I'm just amounting." +164,4,"A guy says to his wife, ""I'm in the mood for some 69."" She says, ""It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."" They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, ""Answer the door."" He says, ""But my face is a mess."" She says, ""It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."" He opens the door and says, ""I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."" The mailman says, ""I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.""" +165,0,Why was Popeye the Sailor man always a little orange colored. Not from the spinach he ate. He said it himself. I yam what I yam. +166,4,"An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog, a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at all of them and says: ""What is this, a joke?""" +167,2,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the Fresh Prints. +168,1,"An elderly woman is watching the news on television Suddenly, the channel is interrupted by live footage of a car driving the wrong way on the highway. Concerned about her husband, who had left for groceries earlier, she calls him on her phone. When her husband answers, the woman warns him about the situation and tells him to watch out. Her husband replies; ""Tell me about it. Everyone here is driving the wrong way!""" +169,0,"So during physics when we talked about energy, a guy in claass began to throw erasers at me... so I turned around and said ""Joule watt mate?""" +170,4,"Childhood, blink and you'll miss it. Felt just like yesterday that I was running after other kids in the playground.... before you know it, I'm being arrested and charged as an adult." +171,2,"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, ""What would you like to drink?"" ""Pop!"" Goes the weasel. " +172,2,What do you call someone making trouble in a Jamaican church? A Cinnamon (sound it out) +173,2,"If A is for Apples and B is for Bananas, what is C for? Plastic explosives. " +174,2,"*CLICK* My friend:hey can I tell you a joke Me:uh sure? My friend:what has a little penis and hangs down? Me:what? My friend:a bat Me:anything else My friend:of course, what has a big penis and hangs up Me: what? *CLICK*" +175,0,what kind of clothes does trump wear? russian ties +176,0,What do you call a smelly bear? Winnie the poop +177,0,My wife bought me one of those mood rings this week. I’ve learned that when it turns green I’m in a really great mood.   When it turns red it will break your fucking stupid nose alright!?!! +178,1,"Harry prays to God: Dear lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery! The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery! Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket? " +179,2,"Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees... Now he goes with de-calf." +180,0,Hand phone batteries are like.... Vibrators eating batteries +181,0,"Why do black people always say ""I know right""? Because they have no right." +182,0,"What's the difference between a fast food job and what Minnie Mouse got on her wedding night? One is Mickey D's, the other is Mickey's D. " +183,0,"How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Don't be silly. Two Americans can't fit in a light bulb, much less screw in one. " +184,2,"The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e This is one of the first ""long"" jokes I learned as a kid. So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class "" Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has already used."" Looking around the classroom the children all had their hands up in excitement. ""Spanky you go first"" said the teacher. Spanky quickly says ""Love"". ""Good now use it in a sentence for us"" said the teacher. ""I love Darla!"" said Spanky ""Very good"" said the teacher. The teacher then pointed at Alfalfa and said ""how about you"". Alfalfa quickly replied ""beyootiful. Darla is beyootiful!"" ""Awww that's very sweet"" said the teacher ""now who's next?"" Looking around the room she spied Buckwheat sheepishly raising his hand. ""How about you Buckwheat? Do you have a word?"" ""Dictate!"" Buckwheat snapped back. ""My my that's a big word are you sure you can use it?"" Asked the teacher. ""Uh huh"" Buckwheat replied "" Darla said my dictate good!""" +185,2,"NSFW The husband came home carrying a sheep under his arm and walked into the bedroom. ""This is the pig I've been sleeping with"" he said. His wife looked at him and said, ""That's not a pig, it's a sheep."" The man answered "" I wasn't talking to you""" +186,2,What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common? They're both nunchuckers. Yes lame but it's OC +187,1,"What did the mystical fire breathing beast say when he was really tired getting out of bed? ""Man, I'm really dragon this morning!""" +188,1,What do Fort McMurray and a 1998 Pontiac Sunfire have in common? Both are full of white trash and smell like burning oil. +189,3,What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants? A Nor-vegan! +190,4,"Jesus, Moses, an an old man are playing golf... And the first hole is on the other side of a pond. Moses is the first to go. He sets his ball on the tee, then gives hit a hard whack. It soars right into the pond before the hole. So, he walks up, parts the waters, and hits the ball right into the hole. Next up is Jesus. He sets his ball, swings, and it plops right onto a lily pad. So, he walks on the water over to it, and hits it in the hole on his next swing. Now it's the old man's turn. He sets his ball, and hands trembling, swings and hits the ball right into a frog's mouth that was sitting on the edge of the pond. As the frog hops into the water, it's picked up by a hawk. The hawk sails over the pond and the frog drops the ball straight into the hole. Moses scoffs, and Jesus rolls his eyes. He calls back to the old man, ""nice shot dad.""" +191,5,"Take that back Olympics Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back.... 1. Weightlifting commentator: ""This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."" 2. Dressage commentator: ""This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."" 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ""I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."" 4. Boxing Analyst: ""Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."" 5. Softball announcer: ""If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."" 6. Basketball analyst: ""He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."" 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: ""Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."" 8. Soccer commentator: ""Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."" 9. Tennis commentator: ""One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)" +192,0,What do you yell at two mummies making out in public? Get a tomb! +193,2,"Old guy says to his mate I slept like a baby last night. Woke up, no hair no teeth and I shit myself." +194,0,What type of car insurance does OJ da Juiceman have? Triple Aaayyy +195,1,"Engineer smarts. An optomist, a pessimist, and an engineer were all shown a 24 ounce glass with 12 ounces of water in it. The optomist looked and said, ""the glass is half full."" The pessimist looked and said, ""the glass is half empty."" The engineer looked and said, ""there's twice as much glass as you need.""" +196,2,"A daughter goes to her father for marital advice... ""Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"" ""My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."" ""Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed.""" +197,0,"A gay having a crush on you is like finding a million pesos. It doesn't do me good, until you cross that border." +198,2,Did you hear that the Department of Agriculture is outlawing round bales of hay? They claimed the cows weren't getting a square meal. +199,0,Boobies...!!! I’m a sucker for them. +200,2,"What's the similarity between women and KFC Once you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you're left with a greasy box to pop your bone in. " +201,2,"I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but... It’s tearable." +202,0,What has four legs but doesnt come when u call it? A table +203,0,"I heard Father Christmas has a daughter... ""Hoe, Hoe, Hoe! Mary Christmas! Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!""" +204,2,What’s god’s favorite cheese? Swiss. It’s very holy. +205,2,whats the difference between a ginger and a brick? the brick gets laid +206,0,"Sorry, the ketchup was indenial it had trouble coming out :')" +207,0,"A bloke walks into a bar carrying a biscuit tin... ... He sits down on a stool at the bar and produces a parrot out of his pocket. He places the parrot atop the bicuit tin and staight away, the parrot starts to dance in a most amusing fashion. Before long the bar is crowded with people vying for a peek at this marvel. At the end of the evening the barman approaches the man and enquires wether he may purchase the dancing bird as it will be good for business. The man agrees and the barman enjoys excellent takings over the coming week. At night though the bird continues to dance on it's tin whilst the barman is trying to get some rest. In a fury he rings up the bloke who sold him the bird and asks how to stop the damned bird from dancing. ""Simple, the man replies, ""You just lift the lid off the tin and blow out the candle!""" +208,4,Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar. And all of Reddit gave it an upvote. +209,0,What do you call a Mexican preacher at a BBQ? Al pastor. +210,1,What's the difference between an Englishman and a Frenchman? The Englishman salts his snails before they die. +211,0,I could tell you a Mexican joke but it would cross the border. +212,1,"Why is it called a hymen? Shouldn't it be called a hyman, since it's only ever going to meet one?" +213,1,People keep accusing me of being paranoid. Why are they out to get me? +214,0,"There's a man, let's call him Joe, and he loves tractors. Joe has every form of tractor memorabilia you could imagine. He has tractor miniatures, a tractor wall calendar and even tractor simulator software installed on his computer. Tractors are his one true passion in life! Joe is walking down the lan one morning, enjoying the fresh air. He hears the familiar rumble of an engine and before he knows it, the brand new 2016 John Deere tractor is driving round the corner. It's only been out a couple of months, and Joe hasn't seen one out and about before! He's very excited. The tractor drives towards him, all beautiful and green. Once it reaches Joe, it pulls to a stop beside him and the driver hops down from the cab. ""Listen mate, I'm in a bit of a pickle! My wife has just gone into labour, and the fastest way for me to get to her is to run across that field."" The farmer gestures to a field behind him. Joe's face lights up with glee ""It would be an honour mate, I'll take good care of it!"" The farmer vaults the field gate and sprints away shouting ""Thank you"" as he goes. Joe strolls around the tractor, appreciating it from all angles. He thinks to himself: ""what harm would it do if I took it for a little spin?"" This may be the only chance he ever gets to drive a tractor outside of his simulator software! He pops up into the cab, and turns the key. The engine roars to life and Joe is on his way. He can't disguise his excitement as he works his way up through the gears. In no time, Joe is up to the top speed of 25 mph. Joe approaches a bend, but it's sharper than he expects, he rounds it going too fast and slides of the road, crashing into a tree. At first Joe is in shock, but then smoke starts pouring from the engine, and then he really begins to panic. He is absolutely desolate and beyond reason: Joe has just crashed a tractor, his one true passion in life. Joe finds himself back at home, still in an emotional state. He tears down his tractor calendar and bins his prize tractor miniatures. Joe uninstalls the simulator software, and consoles himself by pouring a large measure of whiskey. Then another and another. Day after day this goes on. His wife leaves him and he stops going to work. The drink consumes him as his depression spirals. Joe is propping up the bar in his local and he's a few pints down. Lot's of people have lit up cigarettes around him and it's getting very smokey. The barman is coughing away, really struggling with the smoke. Joe looks up and for the first time since the crash feels something other than misery. He feels sympathetic. ""Listen pal,"" Joe says to the barman, ""would you like me to do something about all this smoke?"" The barman replies kindly ""I don't know that anything can be done, but thanks all the same."" All of a sudden, Joe stands up on his bar stool, and takes a deep lungful of air, sucking up all of the smoke in the room. As the room clears, the whole bar stops and stares at him. Mutters of ""What the hell was that?"", and ""Bloody hell, that was incredible"" circulate the room. In response Joe shrugs and says ""I'm an ex-tractor fan""." +215,3,"Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, ""I think we got this joke wrong.""" +216,1,What do you call a game played by 4 men? 8 ball pool. +217,2,"So a guy is going to pick up his girlfriend for the prom... So a guy is going to pick up his girlfriend for the prom, but on the way there, there's a shit ton of traffic. After a while, he manages to get to his girlfriends house and pick her up, but there is a shit ton of traffic on the way there as well. They finally get to the school, but there is an extremely long line to get in. They do get in, but by then it's been half an hour. Nevertheless, they still decide to have a good time. They go to get their picture taken, but there's another long ass line, so they say ""screw it, let's get punch."" They go over there, and there's no punchline." +218,2,"A trucker goes to a whorehouse. A trucker walks into a whorehouse and hands a thousand dollars to the madam and says, ""I want the worst piece of ass you have."". ""For a thousand dollars a horny, man like you could have the best."" The madam replies. ""I'm not horny,"" he says, ""I'm homesick.""" +219,3,Have you tasted baby Wookie meat? They say it's a little Chewie +220,6,"Teacher asks her class, ""If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left? "" One little boy says, ""None, the shotgun scared them all away."" Teacher says, ""That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking."" Boy says to teacher, ""I have a question for you."" ""There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?"" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), ""I imagine it's the one sucking."" Boy says, ""No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !""" +221,0,"Mario uses three search engines: Bing, Bing, and Yahoo!" +222,2,"Doctor: how did you get a black eye? Me: I was banging my neighbor over the kitchen counter when we heard he front door open. She said, ""that's my husband! Quick try the back door!"" Thinking back I should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday!" +223,0,What are red heads good for? Lighting fires. +224,0,Guess What? Chicken Butt +225,0,What's the most common question asked to art students? What's your backup plan? +226,0,"more Tom Swifties 1.You missed the target, Tom said aimlessly. 2.I take on the persona of each person I portray, the actor said methodically. 3.Both my sons are physicians, the father bragged paradoxically (pair of docs)." +227,1,"In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England. One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy. “I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought the Chemist, as he read, “Cocaina (cocaine)“ written on the side of the package. Feeling pretty high, he decided to try and cut this glorious powder with some of the weird substances from his lab. He took the powdered dog bone off of the shelf and combined it with the Cocaine 50/50. “Here goes nussing!” he said aloud, and snorted up a big hit. The Chemist woke up in a pool of his own dribble on the floor of his lab. Something felt different, he felt light, he felt floaty, he was FLOATING! This new concoction had given him the power to float! “ZINCREDIBLE!!” The Chemist shouted. “I vant more!” The Chemist immediately started blending another batch, this time Cocaine and crushed dried wart. He planted his face into the blended powders and sniffed as much as his nostrils could take. He passed out. After waking this time, he felt different. He could see everything so clearly... Not just everything in front of him, but through the walls “Holy moly…. I hast X-ray vizion!” Thought the Chemist. Over the course of the next month the Chemist experimented with various concoctions. He documented his findings: ¼ Cocaine : ¾ crumbled ant – Accelerated hair growth for 50 minutes. ½ Cocaine : ½ bat excrement – Increased vertical jump by 3 metres. ½ Cocaine : ¼ extract of horse sperm : ¼ mouldy breadcrumbs – night vision for 2 hours. ¼ Cocaine : ¾ ground bear claw – Incredibly increased reaction speed for 15 minutes. ½ cocaine : ½ old mans dandruff – attractiveness to the opposite sex massively increased for 2 hours. (unfortunately wore off at critical moment). The Chemist had discovered more than 234 combinations, each giving him some kind of enhanced ability. “If cocaine can do ziss“, thought the Chemist, “imagine vaat would happen if I blended my uzzer narcotics with zees ingreedients.“ Desperate to find an even better combination, he raided his stash of mind altering substances. First up, ½ MDMA to ½ Powdered mushroom. It was a DISASTER! The chemist was completely deaf! “Nein! Mein ears, mein ears!“ he cried, unable to hear his own voice. Panicked he quickly tried to concoct a different blend. ¼ Heroin to ¼ ground frogs eyes. The outcome was no better… He collapsed to the ground, “Mein legs! I cannot feel mein legs!” Quickly he dragged himself over to the bench and blended ½ Pure THC with ½ elephant tusk. “Mein eyes! Mein eyes, I cannot see!” He had to try something quick… maybe there were some scraps of Cocaine left on the floor from his previous experiments. He scooped up as much of the powder from the floor as he could and immediately snorted it. Little did he know he’s just inhaled a combination of PCP, Methamphetamine powder, LSD, 20 year old dust, and spider droppings. He started to feel bad, really bad, deathly bad. Suddenly he grabbed his stomach, bent forward and with an almighty gurgle his bowels completely collapsed. Shit came streaming out of his rear like never before… it wouldn’t stop, shit turned to mucus, mucus turn to blood. 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes, he couldn’t stop. He felt his insides collapsing in on themselves as his intestines started sliding out. It wouldn’t stop, he felt his bones shudder and shake, they followed his intestines, flying out of his rear passage which was now a vast gaping hole. “NeeEEEIIIiiiiinnNnnn!!!” He felt his eyeballs tug out from the inside, through what remained of his body and pop out of his rectum, his teeth, his nose, his brain! Dead… inside out and strewn across his lab floor in a bloody mess. To this day, it is said that if you don’t want to end up like the German Chemist, always remember…. If it ain’t Coke, don’t mix it." +228,2,My friend Richard just packed all of his belongings and left the country without letting me know. That was a Dick move. +229,2,"I was mugged...... .....by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. "" Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”" +230,0,A squirrel found big nuts to stock up in its tree. Now i have a empty nutsack and a burning tree. +231,1,"A Texan, a New Mexican, an Idahoan and a Floridian... A Texan, a New Mexican, an Idahoan and a Floridan take a road trip together. While on the way, they stop to buy groceries. But after they get back onto the road, the Floridian sees the bag of oranges and throws them out of the car. ""We've got so many of those back home that I'm sick of them,"" he says. Then the Idahoan reaches into the back seat, takes a bag of potatoes, and throws them out of the car as well. ""We've got so many of those back home that I'm also sick of them,"" he says. Inspired, the New Mexican reaches over, opens a door, and kicks the Texan out." +232,6,"A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.” He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”" +233,1,"“Do you know what it means when a bunch of horses are bucking around and going crazy?” No papa i don’t. It means there’s a storm coming. Do you know what it means when a herd of cattle are all lying down? There’s a storm coming? No, they’re fucking tired. *told to me by my 80 year old grandfather*" +234,4,"A woman goes to buy a parrot She sees three parrots with prices 100$, 120$ and 10$. She asks the shopkeeper ""why is the third one very cheap?"" The shopkeeper says ""Because he used to be in a brothel"" The woman thinks that it is funny and buys that parrot. As they reach home, parrot says ""Fuck me, its a new brothel"". The woman laughs When the woman's daughters comes home, parrot says ""Fuck me, its two new whores"". Both the girls laugh. When the husband comes home, parrot says ""Fuck me, Steve, haven't seen you in weeks""" +235,0,How to turn rouble into trouble? — Put “t” in. +236,0,My wife sometimes works for my maid when she's in need. Guess They're maid for each other! +237,0,"Mom always says, ""You were so happy when you were a little boy."" And I always gently touch her cheek and scream, ""THAT PART OF ME DIED A LONG TIME AGO MOTHER.""" +238,2,"A biology professor decides to start the new term with a bang. A biology professor decides to start the new term with a bang. He steps up to the podium and looks for the most disinterested girl in the room. Pointing out a particularly bored looking blonde girl he announces ""Today we're going to start by discussing involuntary muscle contractions. Tell me young lady, what do you think your arsehole is doing during an orgasm"". The young girl looks up with a sigh, ""Probably out playing golf with his mates, why?""" +239,3,What do you call a lost nun? A Roman Catholic +240,0,How do you tell if a morgue is real or fake? It's usually a dead giveaway. +241,6,Two silkworms had a race... They ended up in a tie. +242,1,"An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife... He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, ""Where is he, you cheat?"" She exclaims, ""What are you talking about?"" He screams, ""I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him!"" He picks up his only shotgun with one last bullet and begins storming through the place, looking high and low. About that time, there's a knock on the door. The angry husband runs to the front door, swings it open, and shoots the delivery guy right in the chest, killing him instantly. The wife screams crying, ""No no no, you idiot! You killed the wrong man!"" The husband replies, ""Well, I'm going to find him and when I do, I'm going to kill him!"" About that time, the husband looks outside and sees a guy running down the sidewalk at a pretty good pace. There husband says, ""There he is, running away like a coward! He's a dead man!"" and proceeds to go into the kitchen, rips the refrigerator from the wall, and tosses it outside landing squarely on top of the man running, killing him instantly. The husband, feeling confident he'd disposed of the problem, storms out of the apartment. Meanwhile, at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is approached by the first guy, the delivery man. He said, ""Hello my son. How did you die?"" The delivery guy replied, ""I was simply making a delivery and knocked on the door. This guy flings open the door and shoots me in the chest for no reason."" St. Peter says, ""That sounds awful. Welcome to Heaven."" and shows him through the pearly gates. A second guy in running attire walks up to the gates and St. Peter asks, ""Hello my son. How did you die?"" The runner replies, ""I was simply out for a jog and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this refrigerator just lands on my head. I never saw it coming."" St. Peter says, ""What a terrible way to die. Please, come in and welcome to Heaven."" About then, this third guy walks up to the gates and St. Peter says, ""Hello my son. And how did you die?"" The man replied, ""Well... ya see... I was in this refrigerator...""." +243,0,"Dave Knows Everybody (Long) So one day Dave and his boss were talking after work. They were discussing popularity when Dave says, ""I know all about popularity. Everybody in the entire world knows me."" And his boss says, ""Dave. That's impossible. Not every single person in the world can know who you are."" And Dave responds, ""You don't think so? Okay. Fine. Test it. Name anyone you can think of."" And his boss says, ""Okay. You're on. Tom Cruise."" And Dave goes, ""Oh sure! Tom and I go way back. Come on. I'll prove it to you."" So they get on a plane and fly to Tom Cruise's house. They knock on the door and Tom opens the door and exclaims, ""Dave! Buddy! How the hell are ya? Come on in. It's been awhile. Let's catch up!"" After catching up with Tom Cruise, Dave and his boss are leaving his house and Dave's boss says, ""Alright. That was a super weird coincidence. BUT. I still think it's incredibly impossible for everyone in the world to know you."" And Dave says, ""Alright. Fine. Name someone else. Anyone in the world."" Dave's boss thinks for a minute and he says, ""Okay. Former President Barack Obama."" And Dave says, ""Oh yeah! Me and Barry go way back."" So off they go to Obama's house. They get to the door and knock. Obama opens the door and says, ""Dave! Buddy! It's so great to see you. It's been so long. Please, come in. Let's catch up!"" Upon leaving Obama's house Dave's boss admits that it was a little weird, but it still doesn't prove that everyone in the world knows him. So Dave says, ""Think bigger. Name someone else."" And Dave's boss says, ""Okay. The Pope."" Dave says, ""Oh my gosh. The Pope and I are way tight."" So off to the Vatican they go. As soon as they get to the Vatican, there's a huge crowd starting to gather because the Pope is about to come out onto the balcony. Dave says, ""Looks, there's no way the Pope is going to see me in this huge crowd. You know what, nevermind. The guard knows me. I'll just go on up and I'll come out with the Pope."" So off Dave goes through the crowd and about twenty minutes later emerges onto the balcony next to the Pope. Afterwards, Dave goes back down to find his boss and there's a swarm of people around a man being assisted by paramedics. Dave realizes the man being assisted is his boss. He runs up to his boss and says, ""Oh my God. Boss. What happened?"" Dave's boss says, ""Dave. I swear to God. I saw you come out on the balcony with the Pope. It freaked me out a bit, but what really did me in was the guy next to me said, ""Hey. Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?""" +244,1,Good news I am no longer a 18 year old virgin I am a 19 year old virgin +245,1,I was on the bus the other day and saw a guy sit down on his glasses. I guess his hindsight wasn’t 20/20. +246,0,How do the Mexicans feel about President Trumps wall? They'll get over it +247,1,"“It's unpleasantly like being drunk."" ""What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"" ""Ask a glass of water.”" +248,1,Just saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man... He had a cat flap on his head. +249,0,"As an Austrian, you know what really bothers me about German electronics? They don't come without an Anschluss." +250,3,Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson Never spend diamonds on a hoe +251,0,"Redditors laugh at jokes two times Once when they read it, and once when they repost it." +252,1,What does one cow says to other. Mooooooo...... +253,3,I was speaking to an African child in her native language. We just clicked. +254,0,Now that the snow/Ice storm on the east coast is over The Center for Global Warming Research will re-open today at 9:00am +255,0,Can the queen play the guitar? No but Brian May +256,3,No wonder fortnite is so popular with kids Who doesn't like hopping off a bus and shooting everyone in sight +257,0,"What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes ? Nothing, you already told 'em twice." +258,1,"I needed a new hobby, so I bought a paper mache book. What a waste of 20 dollars! I was only able to make 1 piñata out of it before I ran out of pages." +259,0,What do you call an old lady who constantly farts? Flatys. +260,5,"What did the perverted frog say? ""Rubbit""" +261,4,"A bus full of ugly people crash on the side of the road... ...all of them die. God, being the gracious being he is, decides to give them all one wish before he lets them into heaven. Down the line they go: ""I wish I was beautiful."" ""I wish I was handsome."" ""I wish I was attractive."" .... This goes on for a while. Finally, God comes to the last man. He's been snickering to himself the entire time in line. God says, ""Now sir, what do you wish for?"" Without missing a beat he replies... ""Make em' all ugly again.""" +262,0,What do you call really good crying? Upper Tears +263,0,What would it sound like if you could convert a failing subreddit to electronic music? UnsubUnsubUnsubUnsub +264,0,"Are houseplants considered a kind of pet? If so, then I've killed all of my pets." +265,3,"Books written by criminals are so hard to reference Everytime you quote it, it's out of context" +266,2,"Come and sit on my face. I don't know if this is common response and if everyone else has heard it but it was the first time I heard it and couldn't stop laughing. This was real situation and not a joke. Man and a woman started arguing outside my store I am not sure over what. Parking space most likely. As the argument got heated the man yells at the woman, ""come and sit on my face, bitch."" This is where I thought this should be stopped but woman's respond had me laughing out loud. ""Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?""" +267,1,"I'm gonna pitch a show to Netflix, called""Speak No Evil"" Its about mimes that commit murder" +268,4,Dark Humor is a lot like food Not everyone gets it. +269,0,"Sheep's owner A man was talking with his friend one day, and he said: “I was walking to town one day when a ram came out of nowhere and attacked me”. “Did you complain to the owner?” said the friend. “That I did” said the man, “but the problem is that the owner turned out to be a lawyer, and he kept defending his ram until he made me the one who attacked the ram..”" +270,3,I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes. He hugged me after hearing this. +271,4,What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono? They both live off dead beetles +272,0,"I masturbated at a zoo today and got kicked out. But come on, they look exactly like furries!" +273,1,A fire broke out in a bread factory? What is it called now? A toast factory +274,0,"- Will you celebrate New Year's Eve with your parents again, like a loser? - Yes, mom..." +275,7,My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again +276,0,"What did a boy say to his mom? Mom, I broke my arms." +277,0,Have you ever been through here before? You dirty double crosser +278,3,"Dentist: Okay, hold on tight now. This is gonna sting a little bit! Patient : Okay.. Dentist : I've been fucking your wife for 3 months now. " +279,1,Has anyone heard of the game Giarise? My lecturer keeps telling me not to play it. +280,1,What's Dr. Dre's favorite vegetable? Beets. +281,3,"Two men are sitting drinking at a bar At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says ""You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window"". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, ""What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. ""No, its true,"" the first man says. ""Let me prove it to you."" He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. ""You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."" ""No, I'll prove it again,"" says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. ""Well, why not."" the second guy says, ""It works. I'll try it."" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, ""You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk""." +282,0,"Yo mama is so stupid... ...that she poured ink on a pineapple and apple and called it a ""PPAP""." +283,1,Singers needed in choir within your local church. +284,0,What do you call a video of two Broadway actresses having sex? Thespian porn +285,2,Two crows are in jail. What are they in for? Attempted Murder +286,2,Why did the blind man fall into a well? Because he couldn't see that well +287,0,"Bigfoot In Europe, Bigfoot is known as Bigmeter." +288,0,There's no place like ::1 Title [0000:0000:0000:0000:0000:0000:0000:0001](/spoiler) +289,2,"My doctor said I only had 30 days to live, so I killed him. Lucky for me, the Judge gave me 30 years." +290,2,I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion He said that's why I'm not the boss. +291,2,What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore? Row v. Wade +292,2,"Happy new year! Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation." +293,5,"“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”" +294,1,"*knock knock* ""Who's there?"" *knock knock ""I said, 'Who's there?'"" *knock knock ""……Hello?"" ……*doorknob jiggles ""The fuck?!""" +295,0,"I have no desire to see Wonder Woman, I live with Wonder Woman... I wonder what that woman's mad at now. I wonder what that woman wants for supper. I wonder where that woman put my keys." +296,4,"I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, ""man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes." +297,2,Word on the street is Graffiti +298,2,"How does Matthew McConaughey like his underwear? All white, all white, all white" +299,2,My wife said if I took one more picture of her she’d leave me. That’s when I snapped. +300,1,"Have you guys heard the one about the pencil with an eraser at both ends? It's not that great. It doesn't have a point, really. " +301,0,What do you call a black woman who has had seven abortions? A crime fighter. +302,1,A convict just escaped prison and the inmate in cell 1 refused to talk... ...8 cells along another inmate beckoned me over and spilled his guts for a reduced sentence. Just goes to show you: A snitch in 9 saves time. +303,0,What's the difference between an alter boy and a black baby? The alter boy has a father that will love him. +304,2,"A teacher was teaching her second grade...... A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ""Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."" ""I still don't get it"" responded the Little Johnny. ""Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,"" said the dad. ""Okay then...good night"" said Little Jhonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ""OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!""" +305,1,"Playing guitar is a sin... ...after all, Jesus told his disciples to ""fret not.""" +306,6,To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously... Maybe you should lighten up a little. +307,1,Did you hear about the woman that died with semen in her ear? She didn't even hear him cumming. +308,7,"My first condom I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. " +309,0,I can see Alaska from my window and I live in [Joisey!] (http://newyork.cbslocal.com/photo-galleries/2016/01/23/blizzard-2016-brings-flooding-snow-to-new-jersey/) +310,5,How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter? They’re both flying information. +311,1,What does walking a tight rope and receiving a blow job from your mother-in-law have in common? In both cases it is strongly advisable to not look down +312,2,"Kool-Aid Man breaks through wall. ""Oh ya!"" [breaks 2nd wall] ""Oh ya!"" [3rd wall] ""OHHH YEAAHH!"" [breaks 4th wall] *Winks at camera*" +313,2,Marriage Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband. +314,0,Why are Cheetahs the fastest animal? Because they move on so damn quickly +315,6,I like my coffee like I like slaves... Free +316,1,What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg? Limp Biscuit. +317,2,"A man walks into a bar on top of a high rise And sees another patron in a deep conversation with the bartender. As the man walks up and orders a beer, he can't help but hear the patron extolling the wonders of urban air currents to the visibly bored bartender. ""Yeah Murray, it's incredible. The speeds these updrafts can reach would blow your mind. In fact, it's enough to lift a grown man!"" The man can't help himself. At this point he butts into the conversation and calls it impossible. ""I'll prove it to you!"" The patron shouts before running to a nearby window, hopping out, doing a little spin in midair and landing safely right back inside. ""How did you do that?"" ""It's the air currents. Anyone, you could even do it!"" After much cajoling, drinking, and cocktail napkins filled with inebriated physics, the man agrees to trust the air currents. He runs to the window, hops out, and plunges hundreds of feet to his death. The bartender looks over and says, ""You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman.""" +318,2,"Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it, and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit. The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out. 'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly. 'Yeah i was wondering why there would be mud up my ass...'" +319,0,My dad told always told me..never call a black guy a.. Friend. +320,4,Why do introverts identify so much with Thor's brother? Because he's low-key. +321,1,What do you call a person who steals and is then praised by his/her friends? A Redditor. +322,3,"Boy and school teacher Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher." +323,5,"Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus had a baby. That baby was a stone-gold motherfucker. " +324,1,How do Germans tie their shoesies? With knotsies. +325,0,"When asked, ""Do you think it will be hard adapting the emerging presence of AI in our culture?"" Not at all; I'm already on Reddit" +326,3,"Where does a mansplainer get his water? From the well, actually." +327,10,"My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree." +328,2,"A guy walks into a hotel He asks at the front desk for his reservation . The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key. The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator. After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room The manager calmly replies,"" Well what did you expect when you booked room 404?.""" +329,6,"A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW) ""Nurse"", he mumbles. ""Are my testicles black?"" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, ""There's nothing wrong with them Sir."" Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. ""Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. ""Are-my-test-re-sults-back?""" +330,4,Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors describe his condition as stable +331,2,Is it possible for a lesbian couple to live together in Saudi arabia? Yes! By marrying the same man. +332,0,"Ivanov applies to the Communist Party. Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview. ""Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"" ""Yes, I do a little."" ""Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"" ""If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."" ""Do you drink?"" ""Yes, a little."" ""Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."" ""Then I shall cease drinking."" ""Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"" ""A little...."" ""Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"" ""If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."" ""Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"" ""Of course. Who needs such life?"" " +333,0,As a paraplegics I'd always have difficulty getting up the stairs into the classrooms. #2crawl4school +334,4,"Islam is a religion of peace Piece of you here, piece of you there" +335,1,"I got a new letterbox the other day and finally had something delivered to it, [Post Removed]" +336,0,What did one ocean say to another ocean? Nothing. It just waved. +337,2,"My head teacher started her assembly by saying ""it came to my attention yesterday"" I really don't like being called ""it"" " +338,2,I didn't believe my friend when he told me who the Canadian Prime Minister was... turns out it was Trudeau. +339,1,At what elevation is your vision the best See level +340,3,"Two fish are in a tank... One says to the other, ""How do you drive this thing?""" +341,0,"Michael Jackson's number one tip for masturbation ""Just beat it!""" +342,2,What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre. +343,0,"The 1,000 piece puzzle Person:”God I’ve been working on this puzzle for hours and I’ve finally finished and of course I’m missing one piece!!” Friend:” Stop complaining, I’m missing 999 pieces!!”" +344,2,"A Zen Master... Walks up to a hotdog stand and says, ""Make me one with everything."" -That's the best I've got" +345,0,Why can't narcissists ever join choir? All they sing is mi +346,7,"Masturbating before sex A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, ""What?"" He heard, ""This is the police. What's going on down there?"" The man replied, ""I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."" Came the reply, ""Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."" " +347,4,"“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?” No son, have you seen my dad glasses?" +348,1,Horror film director George A Romero has died… Give him a few minutes... +349,3,"How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity? ""Look at this photograph""" +350,2,They say your are what you eat. I guess I’m 16 women between 1984-1998 +351,3,Do you ever wonder why so many lesbians have short hair? It's because they get excited about scissors. +352,6,"I found a wallet today and thought to myself, ""Self, what would Jesus do?"" So I turned it into wine." +353,1,"an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income The builder winks. ""I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."" The accountant laughs. ""I get double whatever the builder gets!"" The assassin looked up from his drink and grins. ""I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing.""" +354,0,"i just stopped working, i couldn't stay after what he said to me. He said: you're fired" +355,5,"What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine." +356,4,"He's got a point Beer Bottle : You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck! Mirror : You kidding me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck! Condom : Ha ha ha... (Walks off laughing) " +357,2,What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie A Tator-Thot +358,0,"Hey, do you know anything about barbecues? Confused look... ""Can I slab my meat across your grille?"" Dirty dad joke just in time for Father's day." +359,0,"It is said that during Hitler's reign of Germany, the country was in a never-ending state of winter because it was constantly heiling." +360,2,"I was just reading that there’s going to be a merger between YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. Have you heard about this? Apparently the new company will be called YouTwitFace. " +361,3,"A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”" +362,0,Something I realized after giving an exam Not knowing answers is less painful than your friend asking for an extra answer sheet. +363,0,I wanted to make a joke about Hurricane Harvey But I won't… Because I'm a good person +364,2,Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes? Because you need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it. +365,1,"Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon The first man asks ""What is your name?"" The planchette doesn't move. Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks ""What is your name?"" The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them. After an uncomfortable few moments, the third man gathers the courage to ask once more ""What is your name?"" The planchette doesn't move. To which the fourth man asks *""Why won't this motherfucker move?!""* " +366,2,Sleep joke Why be an early bird or night owl when you can just be an insomniac and get the best of both worlds. +367,0,"Girl, if I have to put my love for you in numbers... It will be cincuentas." +368,2,Why'd the lamb crash the car Cause he was a sheep at the wheel +369,3,"The Redhead [Long] A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. ""Oh my, I am so sorry,"" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ""Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,"" she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a **wonderful time**. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ""You know,"" he said, ""you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"" ""No,"" she replies. . . ""You just happened to catch my eye.""" +370,1,I feel like a gigolo A lady came to the shop with her front license plate hanging off. I put in a couple of screws and she gave me $10. +371,7,"Being a good husband A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said: The cat just died. She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom? Husband: She is playing on the roof." +372,0,Donald Trump *Knock knock* (Who's there) *Donald Trump* (Donald Trump who?) ________<<<<!It's motherfucking good!!< +1399,1,What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplace? Natural logs... +1400,0,How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a room full of shovels and then tell her to take her pick. AND.... Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner +1401,0,My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. For tiniest ever. +1402,0,What do you call a man with his dick in a biscuit barrel? Fucking crackers. +1403,2,Give a man a plane ticket... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life. First post sorry if its a repost +1404,0,"My ex mother in law seemed to get upset when I referred to her as ""the Gargoyle"". Some people are so touchy.." +1405,8,"Two old men had been best friends for years... ...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, ""Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."" The dying man said, ""We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you."" And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, ""I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."" ""What's the bad news?"" ""The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday.""" +1406,6,I bought a thesaurus at a store today. Brought it home to find all the pages were blank... I have no words to describe how angry I am +1407,4,I'm 24 years old and still a virgin. At least i'm above average at one thing. +1408,1,Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes. But they’re a solid #2. +1409,0,Trump: What’s your favorite song? Kim: Radioactive +1410,2,"How many guys in friendzone does it takes to change a bulb None. They just stand around it complimenting it, then get pissed when it doesn't screw" +1411,1,"Alright, let me get the facts straight... The farm decided to have a potluck? That's correct. And the last time you saw your son he was with Mrs. Dogs adopted son? That's correct officer, he's a chicken. You mean he's cowardly? No, I mean Mrs. Dog adopted a chicken as her son. So, Ms. Bull, why did your husband decide to beat up this chicken? Because that cocky little son of a bitch had beef with him." +1412,10,"Hey girl, are you a broken compass? Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this" +1413,2,What's the one thing Spiderman can't eat? Uncle Ben's rice. +1414,1,What did the teacher do when his bike broke down? He went on a quadrant. +1415,7,"The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."" ""Well, tell me!"" the man said. The policeman said: ""We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: ""Give me the bad news first."" So the policeman said: ""I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."" ""Oh my god!,"" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: ""What’s the good news?"" ""Well,"" said the policeman, ""When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."" ""If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?"" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said: ""We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.""" +1416,4,Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird... +1417,0,Did you hear about the druggie who stumbled into a Jewish temple? He was stoned. +1418,1,What colour is a bear's socks? They don't wear socks. They have bear feet. +1419,0,What kind of meat does most everyone fall for? Tender eyes meat. +1420,0,"Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A: Samson, because he brought the house down" +1421,3,"Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades. This process is commonly called marriage. " +1422,0,My ex girlfriend really wanted me to pee on her but it was weird for me so I just called 911 +1423,5,David: *plays secret chord* The Lord: Nice +1424,3,Why do programmers and coders hate nature? It has too many bugs. +1425,0,Run spelled backwards is nur... and it's a nur from me. +1426,2,Osama bin Laden rated America. He gave us a 9/11. +1427,0,"What do you call a black man with a gun ? You call him ""sir""." +1428,1,"A recently divorced, retired ballplayer moves into a new apartment. As he's moving his things in, he stumbles across an old oil lamp left by the previous tenant. He polishes it up with an old jersey, and out pops a genie. ""I will grant you three wishes,"" says the genie, ""but there's a catch. You see, I'm a feminist genie. Whatever you wish for, I will bestow doubly upon your ex-wife."" The ex-ballplayer thinks for a bit. ""Well, I never really got my break in the big leagues, so I never got the chance to make the big money. How about 500 million dollars?"" ""Granted,"" says the genie. ""Keep in mind that your ex-wife has now joined the Forbes list of billionaires. What is your next wish?"" ""Well, this apartment's kind of cramped,"" says the ballplayer. ""How about a 10,000 square foot mansion in the Hamptons?"" ""Sure thing,"" says the genie. ""Keep in mind, your ex-wife will be in the 20,000 square foot mansion right down the block. What's your last wish?"" ""See that baseball bat?"" asks the ballplayer. ""I want you to pick it up and beat me half to death with it.""" +1429,4,"My father always said I was a bright kid... So bright in fact, he always called me son" +1430,2,"Kamasutra says: If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one... ...And that was the origin of ""buy one get one free""!" +1431,2,I asked my North-Korean friend how it was there... He said he couldn't complain. +1432,0,Have you ever meta rhyming pun... ...that you liked better than this one? +1433,0,"Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, 'Hot in here, eh?' The second muffin turns and replies: ""Holy crap, a talking muffin!!""" +1434,1,"The Glue Truck A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck to the road. A crowd gathers around the helpless pedestrian, all wanting a look at the man and thinking about how to help him, although he's in a sticky situation that looks quite inescapable. The 1000kg of glue is taking its toll on the mans body and he manages to squeak out the words ""please... I don't think I have long left."". The crowd looks shocked when another man decides to take action and shouts ""Everyone quiet! Now please, is anyone here a fireman, a body builder, an engineer, anything that could help this poor man?"" At just this moment the crowd parts like the Red Sea, as a young women crawls through to the front where the man is stuck to the floor. ""Madam, can you or do you know of any way to help this man?"" After a long minute of panting the women finally opens her mouth. ""No... I just wanted to say I'm also glue-tonne intolerant.""" +1435,6,"My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces" +1436,1,Who's the most clapped rock star? Eric CLAPton. +1437,0,What article of clothing does a bad lawyer often lose? His Suit. +1438,2,Breaking News: The Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery. +1439,7,"Pierre the fighter pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: ""Pierre, kiss me"". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. ""What are you doing, Pierre?"" shrieks Marie. ""Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: ""Pierre, kiss me lower."" Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom. ""Pierre, what are you doing"" she says. ""My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear...""Pierre, kiss me lower."" Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, ""PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"" ""My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!""" +1440,3,"A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time... A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, ""OK, take off all your crose."" The woman did as she was told. ""Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."" Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, ""OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."", so she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, ""Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."" Worried, the woman asked anxiously, ""Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, ""Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass!"" " +1441,0,"Original- a women walks into the doctor A young women walks into a doctor office and is shown to her examination room. She removes her clothes puts on the gown provided. After a few minutes an older lady walks in and greets her Doc: hello I'm doctor cockandballs, and I'll be doing your examination today The examination begins and after a few minutes the doctor asks the patient to remove her shirt. When the patient removes her gown she reveals she has gotten pierced nipples. Doc: now I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but I have to ask about you're nipple piercing. Any redness, swelling infection? Patient: no, none of that but I do have to admit it's a little embarrassing coming into a doctors office with pierced nipples Doc: don't worry, as long as you don't do anything unhealthy I don't care. In fact between us ladies, I too thought about having my nipples pierced. I wouldn't cast judgment upon anyone who made a decision for their own happiness. Patient: wow, I would think an older, professional women like yourself would have more conservative views on stuff like that. Did you think about getting your nipples pierced when you were younger? Doc: No, actually it was only a couple of years ago...instead I got implants and chopped off my dick I know explaining jokes usually ruins them but when you first read this you might chuckle about how a women at the doctor, insecure about something as trivial as nipple piercings discovers her doctor is actually a transvestite. But the joke is actually just about how a women could never become a doctor. Thanks for reading. I thought of that when I was baked one night, don't really know if it is funny. The explaining of the joke is part of the joke as a whole btw. I'm interested in stand up so constructive criticism is appreciated." +1442,0,Different between me and a proton: A proton is positive. +1443,1,"American No Standards? When I use the bathroom in public, I always see these toilets made by American Standard, an odd name for this company. To me, if you're getting pissed and shit in all day, standards wouldn't be my first guess as to what you had. First, I think it would be issues with self-esteem. And pink eye." +1444,1,"5 Guys From Knock-Knock Jokes 5 guys--Boo, Woo, You, Ach, and Who--meet up for lunch. They describe their experiences knocking on random people's doors. The conversation goes as follows: Boo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, the person who answers the door is crying. Woo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, the person who answers is really happy. You: Whenever I knock on someone's door, they seem to be calling for me. Ach: Whenever I knock on someone's door, they sneeze all over me. Who: Whenever I knock on someone's door, it is answered by an owl." +1445,1,"Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.” " +1446,2,What do you call a couple of amino acids hanging out? Residudes +1447,7,My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now... And we have no idea where the fuck she is. +1448,4,Because I always spoil the punchline. Someone asked me the other day why I don't tell many jokes +1449,4,"Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind. " +1450,4,Dear people who don't use capital letters. We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse +1451,1,"What's a Redditor's favorite kind of vehicle, favorite kind of food, and favorite kind of teacher all in one word? A sub" +1452,0,What will happen when Jesus comes back to earth? A second great flood. +1453,0,"Today I saw nice ass, huge cocks, hot chicks and wet pussy. It was a nice day at the farm." +1454,2,What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last year's hide and go seek winner. +1455,1,Why are people from Alabama so good at making burgers? Because they know alot about things that are in-bred. +1456,4,Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour... but it's a solid #2. +1457,0,"My girlfriend and I were at an abortion clinic It was a really emotional time for us both. ""Babe, I just want you to know that I'll support whichever decision you choose. If you want to be a mother, then I'll be a father."" With a tear in her eye, she leaned into me and whispered ""It's ok baby. I don't want it if it's not yours.""" +1458,3,"Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire." +1459,2,"A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance... He says, ""First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."" The first mate says, ""Your red shirt? Why captain?"" Captain says, ""So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."" ""Good Idea!"" Says the first mate. They survive the battle, the captain is uninjured and they sail on. Two days later the captain sees 4 pirate ships in closing in on them in the distance. Captain says, ""First mate, we have two pirate ships baring down on us today. We must take evasive maneuvers and prepare to be boarded. Oh, and bring me my brown pants.""" +1460,0,When you do too much blow When you're young you can feel your hair grow. When you do too much blow when you're older you fell can feel your nose hairs growing. +1461,1,"Two nuns are riding bikes Two nuns are riding bikes in London. They are having a great time, seeing the sights and talking to pedestrians. Suddenly, the older nun notices how dark it is getting and says ""We have to get back to the convent before dark. I know a shortcut."" She leads the younger nun on a shortcut through the old part of town. As they're riding, the younger nun says, ""I've never come this way before."" The older nun says, ""Yeah, it's the cobblestones.""" +1462,3,"An elderly man goes to a shopping mall... ... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets aggravated, walks up to the elderly man and asks ""Whatcha staring for old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy before?"" The elderly man says ""Sure have. Got drunk in the Army once and had sex with a peacock. Just trying to determine if you might be my son.""" +1463,3,"Man calls his boss and says ""I can't come in today, I'm sick"" ""How sick are you?"" His boss asks. ""I've just fucked my sister, sick enough for you.""" +1464,2,What do asians do when they have an erection? They vote. +1465,4,"Some people think the Arctic and the Antarctic are the same... ...but in reality, they are polar opposites. " +1466,2,How do you get a fat girl in to bed?? Piece of cake +1467,0,What do you call it when Helen Keller loses a finger? A lisp! +1468,0,What's Shaking? Not Ali.... +1469,1,There's no romance like necromance But pyromance is hotter +1470,6,"A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him... Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth. Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years. Man : By eating chocolate? Boy : No. By minding his own business." +1471,5,"A Rabbi on Yom Kippur Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf. Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely. As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole. Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?' God replied, 'Who can he tell?'" +1472,1,"A rural farmer saves enough money to send his son to college He moves out of town and after his first year he returns for summer break. His father was elated to see him and eager to hear about what he had learned: Father: So tell me all 'bout whatcha been lernin'? Son: Aw Paw, you don't want to hear about that. Besides, it's a bit complicated and hard to explain. Father: Aw c'mon! Just give me a little sumpthin'! Son: Well, for example, we learned PI r2… Father: What n' da hell kinda ejicashun am I payin' for? Everyone knows pie are round and cornbread are squared!" +1473,0,Why is Halloween the Jewish kiddy diddlers favorite holiday? Free delivery! +1474,2,Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac who had dyslexia? He would lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog. +1475,1,My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house. +1476,0,"What did the North tower say to the south tower. “sorry can’t talk, got to catch a plane” " +1477,1,"I asked my mom why she named John She answered she thought that having a Bible name would help me grow up be a good kid. I don't think that's how it works though. Because when I was 7 or 8, a kid named Jesus stole my bike." +1478,3,"The 12-inch Pianist A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, ""What's that all about?"" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, ""Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."" ""Okay,"" said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, ""You have one wish."" The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, ""Hey! I didn't want a million ducks."" The bartender replied, ""Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?""" +1479,3,"Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting. The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, “One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down.” He paused. The retired fireman asked, “So, how was that exciting?” The undertaker answered, “Well, you see, I was in the wrong room.”" +1480,1,Why doesn't Trump's campaign manager answer his phone? Unlike him it doesn't have battery charge. +1481,0,How do you cure a Jewish kid of ADD By sending him to a concentration camp +1482,0,What's yellow and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono +1483,0,Where do salad loving cowboys with celiac disease work? The Gluten-Free Ranch +1484,3,Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere. Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98. Coworker: Really? Me: No. +1485,3,I like my coffee how I like my women... I don't like coffee. +1486,1,"An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in. ""Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"" ""All of them?"" he asks, putting down his rifle. ""No, only one."" He starts cleaning the rifle again." +1487,1,What's the difference between a woman and a battery? A battery has a positive side. +1488,2,"What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little ""hoarse""" +1489,0,Best joke ever My life +1490,3,"A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night. The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home." +1491,1,"Guy : Damn Girl, are you a newspaper? Girl : No, Why? Guy : Because there is a new fucking issue with you every day." +1492,6,"And this is how men think... A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor. Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as soon as possible. ""What's going on?"" The husband asked, as he ran into the facility. ""Well sir, we found out that contact with your wife's privates elicits a response, and I feel that with the right stimulation she could be brought out of her coma."" ""What do you suggest?"" He asked with some excitement building. ""Well sir, I think some oral sex might be enough to get her back."" So the man agreed to it, and they left the room to give him some privacy with her, when not two minutes later, they here the monitor buzzing with a flat-line alert. The doctor runs in asking ""what happened???"" The man shrugged and replied ""I guess she must've choked on it.""" +1493,5,"Two Mexicans are lost in the desert Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon. ""Hey, Pepe"", says the first man. ""Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"" Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets. ""What happened?"" shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts ""Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush.""" +1494,0,"Two thirsty Irishmen... Mick and Paddy, are standing outside the pub. They have 2 bucks between them. ""This won't be enough to get us pissed!"" Says Paddy. ""I've got an idea..."" says Mick as he goes into the butcher's shop next door. He comes out with a single fat sausage and says to Paddy: ""Here's what we will do. We'll go into the pub, order 2 beers and down them as quickly as possible. Then, i'll pull this sausage out of my pants and you get down and start sucking it. The bartender will be so disgusted he'll throw us out without paying for the beers. Then we'll go to another pub and do it again!"" So they go into the pub, run the routine and it works perfectly. They get thrown out without paying a cent so they continue doing it. The night drags on, and as they get thrown out of the 13th pub of the night Paddy says ""this will have to be the last one. I'm pretty pissed, and my knees and my throat are killing me."" ""How do think I feel,"" says Mick, ""I lost the sausage after the third pub!"" " +1495,0,"Another dirty joke as told by my 87-year-old grandad this Christmas I was in the pub the other day, having a chat with an old friend about his holidays this summer. ""I was going coasteering one day"" he says. ""I decided to go down a very narrow path right along a cliff edge with the sea a long way down. I look up and there is an absolutely stunning blonde woman coming along the path but the opposite way. It was very tight with just an inch or two of rock between me and the edge and it left me in a dilemma. I didn't know whether to try and let her squeeze past me, or just toss myself off.""" +1496,0,"A redneck couple is lying in bed on hump day just about to start on the action when the girl says ""Go down on me and lick the alphabet, Butch!"" Butch looks at his girl very annoyed. ""Girl, you know I don't like those hour long foreplays!""" +1497,0,Amy Schumer +1498,1,Bill Cosby sure loved pudding. Pudding his dick where it didn’t belong. +1499,0,I had to take the batteries out of my Carbon Monoxide detector... The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy. . . . . . . . Proudly plagerized from another sub https://np.reddit.com/r/GoRVing/comments/5jiklb/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_the_carbon/ +1500,6,I went as a congressional bill for Halloween.... I stayed in the House and didn't do anything. +1501,2,Yo mama so ugly...... Her dildo went limp +1502,1,"Me: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano once my arms heal again? Doctor: Yes Me: Oh that's amazing! I didn't know how to play before " +1503,3,I bought a new thesaurus today. It's very.... nice. +1504,3,"A priest and a nun are traveling across the Sahara... on a missionary trip when the camel they were traveling on died, falling and crushing their water supply. The priest looks at the young, attractive nun and thinks ""If we are to die in the service of our lord, surely he will forgive an old man one indulgence."" He looks to the nun, takes off his pants, and tells her, ""I have something to show you."" ""My Goodness!"" the young, naive nun exclaims. ""What is that?"" The priest responds ""It's my staff of life. A man puts it inside a woman to bring life into this world."" ""Staff of life?"" she says. ""Thank God! Shove that thing up the camels ass and let's get the hell outta here!""" +1505,1,"Retired golf vacation in Hawaii... A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf. The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club. After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, they catch up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish the seventh before they can play it. A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the water. His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway. The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to the water to find his ball. He can't believe his eyes. To the golf pro, he blurts out, ""Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"" The pro answers, ""He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods.""" +1506,4,"It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire. Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones" +1507,1,"How many tactical psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, data from exercises suggests that ten of them, if well coordinated and trained have a 96% success rate. but under real-world conditions, its anyone's guess." +1508,3,"John goes to the gas station John goes to the gas station and asks the owner: What does a drop of gas cost? The owner answers that he could get a drop for free. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops. " +1509,2,"There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those that weren't expecting a ternary joke!" +1510,2,What does a math-loving mermaid usually wear? Algebra. +1511,2,Why did the bear have to go to the hospital Because he was bearly alive! +1512,1,"There is two men, one of which works at a grinding mill The one without a job asks the other man employed at the mill how the work is. The man that worked at the grinding mill replied,""It's fine.""" +1513,3,My Boyfriend poked me in the eyes... ...So I stopped seeing him for a little while. +1514,1,I've been working on my uncle's farm during my school vacation time. So we've been working on the field when he looks up in the air and tells me to get his gumboots cause it would start raining soon. So i went into the house and saw the two daughters sitting at the table. I told them that her dad asked me to fuck them really hard. They replied that her dad would never have said that. I replied that i can ask him again if they wouldn't believe me. So i opened the window and shouted: HEY FARMER! BOTH OF THEM? OF COURSE BOTH OF THEM! +1515,0,[NSFW] What's the difference between Jared Fogle and Woody Allen? A few Academy Awards +1516,2,Halloween is a day to dress up as something you're not That's why most girls go as something sexy +1517,4,"Mother: ""How was school today, Patrick?"" Patrick: ""It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"" Mother: ""Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"" Patrick: ""What school?""" +1518,0,Did you hear about the shooting at the Catholic Church on Saturday? It was a mass shooting. +1519,1,Maybe the universe is like a giant party... and the planets just awkwardly follow the sun around because they don't know anyone. +1520,0,"What do you call a cheap, horrible circumcision? A rip off" +1521,2,What file format does Gordon Ramsay take photos in? FUCKING RAW! +1522,2,"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted, my dad told me. ""Are you kidding? Really?"" I shouted. ""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour.""" +1523,2,The real reason some women don’t like guys under 6 feet Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation. +1524,1,Why did the mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequilla +1525,0,What do you call an orgy in Alabama? A family reunion. +1526,1,Half of men in America watch porn everyday. The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection. +1527,2,Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb? LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY? +1528,1,I cracked my wife’s toes before bed. So she offered to crack mine. Quid Pro Toe. +1529,7,"Roses are red, Cellos are brown Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)" +1530,3,"Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really." +1531,0,"I left two Nickelback tickets in the back of my car When I came back I found Nickelback in the back seat of my car. I asked them what they were doing in the back seat of my car. They told me I had overpaid for my two Nickelback tickets. They then gave me two nickels back, plus a voucher for USD 0.40$. -FIDDY CENT" +1532,5,"An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang. It was his wife urgently warning him: “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!” “It’s worse than that,” said the man, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”" +1533,1,Little boy blue Knock knock Who's there? Little boy blue Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson +1534,1,I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. +1535,1,What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the movie execs when he found out they wanted more racial diversity in the Terminator movies? I’ll be black. +1536,2,What is a Canadian's favorite nirvana song? All Apologies +1537,5,I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business. But now I’m sold. +1538,1,"If you can read hexadecimal, and dead people can read hexadecimal, how many people can read hexadecimal? deae people." +1539,3,"Rick is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Carl. ...after taking some time to size Carl up and decide that he can trust him, Rick tells Carl about his plan to escape. ""You see, "" Rick says ""for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components."" Carl is skeptical but intrigued. Rick continues: ""For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."" So Carl asks, ""Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"" Rick says ""Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."" Carl, disgusted, says ""You have *got* to be kidding me!"" And Rick says ""I shit. You knot.""" +1540,0,"A man suspects his wife is being unfaithful And decides to ask a close friend for help in finding the truth. He tells his friend to meet him down at the pub at exactly 5 o'clock so that they may discuss how they will find the truth about his wife. ""I think she's been seeing another man"" the man says. ""What makes you think that?"" replies his friend. ""Every time I come her underwear is strewn about the living room floor."" ""My son tends to leave his underwear on the floor as well..."" ""Also, I found an open condom wrapper on our floor and it wasn't the brand I use."" ""My son tends to leave his candy wrappers on the floor..."" This makes the man paranoid that his own friend's son may be doing his wife. He tells his friend to follow him home to see if he was right or not. They approached the front of the house and the man says: ""I told my wife I'd be out all night. If she's cheating on me, she'll surely have the man she's seeing over tonight."" ""I told my son id be out all night as well."" Replied the friend. This made the man 100% sure that his wife was sleeping with his friend's son. The bedroom light was on, and noises from his wife could be heard coming through the cracked window. The man stormed into his house in a rage and ran up to the bedroom and opened the door swiftly. Sure enough, there was the man's wife...but dead. He let out a horrifying scream and rushed to her side. As he held her dead body in his arms, his friend's son emerged from behind the curtains with a glock and shot the man in the head. The man fell to the ground, instantly dead. The son proceed to go downstairs and out the front door to hunt his father down. He fired shots into the bushes where his father was hiding. One caught him in the leg, and he screamed in agony. His son approached him and said one last thing before he put a bullet in his own father's brain: ""I can't believe you fucking read all of that.""" +1541,0,"I can tell you one thing about the New York Jet's quarterback... He may be young, but he's Darnold" +1542,0,School is like a penis... Long and hard unless you're Asian +1543,1,I'd tell you a good chemistry joke... but all the good ones Argon. +1544,3,"If the space between a woman's natural breasts is called ""cleavage,""... Then the space between a woman's fake breasts must be the Silicone Valley?" +1545,3,"A poor man and a rich man are talking to each about Christmas. The poor man asks the rich man, ""What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"" The rich man replies, ""Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."" The poor man asks, ""Why are you getting her two gifts?"" The rich man says, ""Well if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."" The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, ""So what are you getting your wife this year?"" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, ""A pair of slippers and a dildo."" The rich man asks, ""Why those two things?"" The poor man astutely responds, ""This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\\*ck herself.""" +1546,3,5 people that think communism is good walk into a bar... The bartender says “We don’t serve alcohol to people under 18” +1547,0,"Heard this from a waiter at dinner tonight. Hey baby, my name is Olaf...like the snowman. Mind if I melt inside you? Five star restaurant I am laughing out loud right now hahaj" +1548,0,I told my Korean friend he can name his future kid Sil so he/she will be Sil Lee Sad lee he doesn’t like this idea +1549,3,"I ran into the doctors and said: ""I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!!!"" He said: ""No reason to be alarmed""" +1550,10,What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS member's penis. +1551,1,Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. +1552,2,I have sex the same rate i give gold When i can afford it. +1553,8,"A boy is born without a body A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink. The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, the father quickly asks the bartender for another beer. The bartender reluctantly pours the boy another drink. After chugging it, the boy suddenly sprouts a left arm. Very eager and excited, the father orders another drink. The bartender stated that 2 is enough for a boy's first time and that he shouldn't go overboard. The father is furious at the remark and demands that he give his son another round. After a big sigh, the bartender hands the boy another beer. In a matter of seconds, the boy downs the bottle and grows a right arm. The entire bar is enraptured at this point and begin chanting for one more beer. The bartender flat out refuses. In a storm of frustration and excitement, the father jumps the counter and steals a bottle of whiskey. The boy drinks the bottle dry and instantly grows two legs. On his newly gained legs the boy stumbles out of the bar into the street and is hit by a truck, killed on impact. The entire bar is in silence. ""Well,"" says the bartender, ""I guess he should have quit while he was still ahead.""" +1554,3,"How many incels does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn’t matter. They’ll hold the door open for the lightbulb, then get pissy because it won’t screw." +1555,3,"Torture me said the masochist. ""No,"" the sadist smiled." +1556,0,"A kid is shopping with his mom. The kid asks his mom if he could get some cereal. His mom responded, ""Not if the first ingredient is sugar."" The kid sadly puts the cereal back. A few minutes later he asked her again hoping to get lucky but his mom just repeated herself. The kid put the cereal back again. The kid tries a third time right before they leave and he says, ""Sugar is the last ingredient!"" His mom took the box and exclaimed, ""Sugar is the only ingredient!"" " +1557,0,I think it’s fair to say my Aunt Bessie has a drinking problem. She thinks I’m twins. +1558,9,"When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it... The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, ""Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."" He listened a while longer, and said, ""There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."" So the magistrate kept listening, ""There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, ""My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.""" +1559,3,"Better than a sleeping pill Two guys were sitting around talking and one said, ""I'm really concerned, my wife wakes up at night and can't go back to sleep. I don't know how to help her"". His buddy thought about it for a moment and said, ""I think I have the perfect solution. My wife used to have the same problem so every time she woke up I'd just ask her if she wanted to have sex. She'd go back to sleep almost immediately""." +1560,0,"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me." +1561,2,I convinced my girlfriend to get over her fear of skydiving... Her funeral is on Tuesday. +1562,4,"A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper.. A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper and says, ""I just got stung by a bee!"" ""Where at??"" Asks the grounds keeper. ""Between the first and second hole."" Replied the woman. The grounds keeper looks her up and down and says, ""Well, It sounds like your stance is too wide."" Credit: I heard this joke a long time ago and don't claim to be the op. " +1563,1,"Eating leftovers is bad for my health Everytime I tell my wife it was so bad the first time there's no way I'm eating it a 2nd, she beats me. " +1564,0,"Spicing up their sex life After 24 years of marriage a couple's sex life had gotten a little stale so to spice things up a bit they decided to get adventurous in the bedroom. The husband decides to bring and use a cucumber that night in their love making. The husband wakes up the next day after what can only be described as a wild night of passion and goes to the bathroom for a shower, while he's running his shower he hears his wife start moaning, getting louder he rushes in to the bedroom and sees his wife on the bed thrashing around moaning and groaning in the throws of an almighty orgasm. ""Honey, are you ok?"" He's asks his out of breath wife. She replies ""I'm fine dear, it must have been that cucumber repeating on me.""" +1565,0,"Trophy Hunter A regular guy looking to bag a trophy deer hires a legendary guide know to be able to take people to the largest trophy animals they have ever seen. They head out into the forest and the Guide tells the man to lay on the ground in the clearing and not to make a sound, when he returned he would be leading the most amazing animal he had ever seen. Hours passed and the man laid silently until his guide finally returned leading a deer with the largest set of antlers he had ever seen, a pair of moose and a large group of squirrels. As they enter the clearing the man jumps up and screams scaring off all of the animals. “What the hell are you doing? I said to lay silently!” The Guide yells. And the man responds: “I laid there when the skunk walked passed my face... and I didn’t make a noise when the porcupine walked up my back... but I just couldn’t stand it when the squirrel came back for the other nut!”" +1566,0,"How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency? Resign, and spend all his time playing golf!" +1567,0,What's the best way to watch a Fly Fishing Tournament? Live Stream +1568,3,"Why weren't the American father and his son allowed in Japan? Because the last time Japan had a fat man and a little boy, things didn't end well." +1569,1,What does the F in Uganda stand for? Food +1570,2,"A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint... He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head. Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head. Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head. Last he orders a side of sour cream. Before the bartender gives it to him he asks, ""Hey, I realize you are probably gonna dump this on your head too. But can I ask why?"" The Potato says, ""Sure, my wife left me. I wanted to forget about everything so I got baked. That only made me soft, so I came in here to get loaded." +1571,0,I have developed an intolerance to gluten- -free people +1572,0,"This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above ""You will live to be 100."" This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above ""You will live to be 100."" She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard ""You will live to be 100."" Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. She said to God ""You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?"". God said: ""I didn't recognize you"". " +1573,1,I fought a dildo And it fucked me up +1574,0,Two ducks walk into a bar... How ironic. +1575,1,Why was Princess Leia unhappy in bed? Because Han always shoots first. +1576,1,What is yellow and can't swim? An excavator. And why? It only has one arm. +1577,2,"Two women were having lunch... ...when the subject turned to sex. ""You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems"", Linda told her friend. ""Thats amazing!"" Mary replied, ""So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist"", said Linda. ""Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!"", responded Mary. ""But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. ""So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"", Mary asked. ""Things couldnt be better!"", Linda exclaimed. ""We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. ""Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you,"" he said. ""But doctor,"" Mary complained, ""you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"" ""Well, OK,"" the doctor answered. ""On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios.." +1578,3,Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? Because it was two tyred. +1579,1,It must have been so cool living in a Jewish village. Everyone gets to be sheriff. +1580,1,What is the most unexpected part of a fast food meal? The element of some fries. +1581,0,I’m not wrong What’s worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree? 1 baby stapled to 10 trees +1582,2,My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of describing my feelings. Can’t say that I’m surprised. +1583,0,What do you call it when Miss Fortune follows Miss Deed? Karma +1584,0,I’ve stopped shaving for the holidays This bearded look is really growing on me +1585,0,"The decided to reprint The hunger games. Now it's called ""A tour guide to Africa""." +1586,2,Why was the thorn kicked out of the rose? Because he was being a prick. +1587,1,What did the bridge say when the man went across it then came back? Don't double cross me! +1588,1,I was going to post a time travelling joke But you guys didn't like it +1589,3,They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543. +1590,1,"Obama, Clinton, and Trump are on a plane... .... Obama says, i can drop 1 $1,000 bill and make someone really happy! OK, Clinton says... I can drop 10 $100 bills and make 10 people really happy. I got you, Trump says... I can drop 100 $10 bills and make 100 people happy! The pilot pops his head around the corner and says ""I can drop one plane and make a 155 million people happy""." +1591,0,"Jesus and Moses are hanging out at the lake talking about the good ole’ days Moses turns to Jesus and says “back in the day, I split an entire sea in half like it was nothing. Hell, I still can, watch this Jesus!” And with that, Moses stands up, claps his hands and proceeds to part the lake in front of him. He hold it for a solid 30 seconds before letting the lake merge back together. Jesus looks at him and says “that’s pretty good, old man but I still have a few tricks left up my sleeve too!” With that, Jesus runs out on the lake. He makes it about 20 feet. Right when he is about to to turn around and say TADAH! He sinks to the bottom of the lake. Jesus swims back defeated. He gets to the shore and says to Moses “Moses, man I don’t know what happened!? It worked in the past!” Moses says to Jesus “Don’t worry about it JC, last time you tried that trick you didn’t have those holes in your feet!”" +1592,1,Australians don't have sex.. ...they mate. +1593,0,"Don't hate me for this.. \\*Billy Joel getting out of a coma and noticing the Amazon rainforest is on fire\\* Joel: ""What the hell?! Who did this?!"" U.S.: ""I'm not sure Joel but we didn't start the fire."" **~~crickets intensify~~**" +1594,1,"I think all bad jokes can be turned into good jokes. All you need is right delivery. Except abortion jokes, which, by definition, have no delivery!" +1595,0,"Want to hear a masturbation joke? Just kidding, those things are a load. " +1596,0,Why did the Feminist shoot up the MRA meeting? She was triggered. +1597,0,"Why do rappers hate dentists? As after a tooth implant, they're told not to spit" +1598,2,"The nervous cashier It was Tim's first day working at the pharmacy when a young lady walked in and asked him for some pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim was extremely embarrassed and ran in the back asking Tom the Pharmacist to serve the young lady. After the encounter Tom told Tim he shouldn't be embarrassed, it was a natural thing. The day after another young lady walked in and again asked for pain killers and a pack of tampons, Tim didn't run in to the back this time but turned bright red and didn't say a word to the woman through sheer embarrassment. Again Tom saw this and advised Tim to try making a joke next time to make things less uncomfortable. Tim decided that would help and was determined to overcome his embarrassment. A few days later a young lady walked in and asked for some pain killers and a large pack of cotton wool, Tim seizes his chance and said ""Are you rolling your own?"" " +1599,0,American politics is like a bald eagle.. Between the left wing and the right wing you sometimes find a cunt or a dick and you always find an asshole. +1600,8,"A student receives a bad grade on his exam And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly. He says to the teacher ""I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"" The teacher sighs and says ""ok, I'll take another look at your exam"". The student comes home, and his mother asks him ""so how did the exam go?"". He replies: ""the teacher thought it was remarkable!'" +1601,1,What do you call a hippie astronaut? A far out man +1602,7,"Worms Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy. The teacher asks the class: - What do we learn from this experience? And a child responds: - Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms." +1603,4,Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!” +1604,2,Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand. +1605,3,Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records. +1606,0,What do deaf people and italians have in common? They both speak with their hands. +1607,0,I promised my friends I'd stop using double entendres all the time… …but it's so hard. +1608,3,Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other. +1609,0,Which talk show host is most popular with pirates? ARRRRRRRRRR-senio Hall +1610,1,Where do the people of Cloud City get their sports? B.E.S.P.N. +1611,1,Where does the junkie duck live? At the quack-house. +1612,1,What was Hitler most afraid of? The gas bill +1613,1,What do you call a pizza place that doesn't serve pizza? Closed. +1614,0,What do you call a Mexican that struggles to make tacos? A mexicant +1615,2,"A man moves into a new home... and the first person to visit him is this redneck who lives next door. ""I just wanted to welcome you to this here neighborhood,"" the redneck says. ""In honor of your arrival, I'm fixin' to throw you a big ol' party this weekend. It's gonna have everything: a whole lotta drinkin', a whole lotta dancin', and a whole lotta screwin'!"" ""Wow,"" the man says. ""That sounds like a lot of fun. What can I bring?"" ""You can bring whatever you want,"" the redneck says. ""It's just gonna be you and me.""" +1616,1,Did you hear about the lactose intolerant man who ate a whole wheel of cheese? it was not gouda for him later. +1617,3,I quit my job today. I just couldn't work there after what he said to me. :what did he say : You're fired. +1618,0,"The Swingin' Farmer This is a true story, inasmuch as any story is true. I once lived in a small town in a rural part of Oregon and worked as the night desk clerk at a motel just across from a truck stop. One night a customer came in wearing bib overalls over a flannel shirt and asked for a room for a couple weeks, paying all in advance. He explained he was a nearby farmer who was having his house expanded because he had three girlfriends who were all going to move in with him. It was late at night, so I didn't mind a little conversation to break the monotony. Well, over that next couple weeks, he was a regular for our continental breakfast and we'd chat. He was a friendly enough guy, but I did notice he was a pretty heavy drinker. Some nights I knew would be dead, we'd share a fifth of bourbon in our lobby. Well, eventually the two weeks was up, and he got a call. Since we'd gotten to be pals, he asked if I wouldn't like to come out and see the house and meet his three girlfriends. I had kind of forgotten about his swinging by that point, but I figured what the hell, why not. We climb into his pickup, and it's a pretty good ride from my work site out to his farm. It's a pretty decent size acreage, and toward the back is a really nicely done farmhouse. We step up onto the wide porch and the front door opens to display a naked woman standing there. Just stark naked. Now that would've been pretty nice, except this girl is sorta... unfortunate-looking. Tall, painfully skinny, stringy blonde hair. It's like somebody taught a mop to stand upright and walk around. My friend leans down and says, ""I don't rightly remember her actual name, I jus' call her Corona."" I didn't know what to say to that, so I kinda stumble out with, ""Because she's, uhhh... cool and refreshing?"" He laughs. ""Naw, 'cause I was drunk as hell after a case of Corona when I hooked up with 'er!"" The woman leads us into the living room, and we sit. She brings us each a nice cold beer. Just then the bedroom door opens and out comes a second woman. The farmer grins real big and I look. Well, she's about five foot even and probably 350 pounds or more. Face like a pug, hair like a scorched tumbleweed, and a scowl that would make a rattler think twice about biting her. The farmer says, ""This here's Tequila!"" I didn't know what to even say to that except: ""Why would you name her..."" ""Yup, 'at's right!"" he guffaws. ""I's blackout drunk on Patron when I hooked up with 'er!"" At this point I'm just sitting there with a thousand yard stare. And then I hear it. The sound nobody ever wants to hear, the sound everybody who's seen an old horror film knows instinctively. From somewhere in the back of the house, the door of what could only have been a fruit cellar starts to s-l-o-w-l-y *crrrrrrrreeeeaaaak* open. The farmer jumps up, gives out with a whoop, and yells, ""Hoooo, yer in fer a treat now, son! *Here comes Gasoline!""*" +1619,1,"A blonde has a BS in Science... Bullshit, isn't it?" +1620,9,"Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. ""I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you,"" the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. ""Alright,"" he says, ""I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."" Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. ""I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. ""I've got it!"" he cries, ""I want a MEATIER shower!""" +1621,2,How do you confuse an idiot? Seven. +1622,0,"Bad Dad Joke So my Dad told me this joke that was so bad, he only told it to me once. ""I'll be right back."" " +1623,1,"Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival? There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people. Headlines were ""Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong""" +1624,3,"Why did the pirate only use his swords on women? Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads." +1625,2,What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. +1626,0,"Doctor’s Visit A man is sitting in the room and the doctor walks in Doctor: Sir, I have bad news. Man: Okay, what is it? Doctor: I’m sorry to say but...you have cancer. Man: That’s impossible! *puts hand on face* Doctor: *facepalm* Man: See?! You don’t have cancer either!" +1627,1,"Everyone I know says I’m such a baby I guess it’s true what they say, you are what you eat. " +1628,0,The itch on my arm grew by 25% Bitch +1629,0,I wanted to tell my crush how I feel about her. But that's easier said than done. +1630,0,[NSFW]ish. Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom sticks +1631,0,"The circus came to town, and everyone wanted to see the celebrated 'Human Cannonball'. Opening night, the man who loaded the cannon got drunk and forgot to put in the gunpowder. The Ringmaster sees the loader drunk and says, ""Well, I guess I'll have to do it myself"". Then the loader remembers, and goes and loads the cannon, also so when the Human Cannonball climbs into the cannon, there's a double charge. The cannon is fired, and the poor guy is shot through the ceiling of the Big Top, and lands a block away, dead in the street. The circus owner shakes his head and says, ""How will I ever find another man of that caliber?""" +1632,0,Why people don't use #YOLO anymore? Because they lived once +1633,1,Recently phoned Gamblers Anonymous They told me to ring back in 10 minutes at 20/1 +1634,1,"A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a ""BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..."" behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster... He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly the coffin stops." +1635,2,"If all the 7 days were to get in a fight, who would win? Either Saturday or Sunday, because all others are week days." +1636,1,What does a communist teenager want? Fewer classes +1637,2,Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and he’s stuck at work that night. +1638,2,I’m worried about my finger nails lately. They are really getting out of hand. +1639,1,What day of the week would you drink the most water? Thursday +1640,1,Why were all the male employees happy at the balloon inflating factory ? Because their female boss gave them a blow job. +1641,4,I went to the public library yesterday looking for that one book about Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not. +1642,2,"A man and a small child... Walk in to a dark forest ""I'm scared"" the child says ""You're scared?"" The man says ""I have to walk back alone"" " +1643,0,"Knock Knock ""Who's there?"" ""Nanna"" ""Nanna who?"" ""nanna your business"" Just thought of this reading a book :P" +1644,2,Why girlfriend is one word and best friend are two words? Because best friend gives you space which you need. +1645,2,How do you circumcise a white supremacist? You punch his sister in the jaw +1646,1,How do you compliment a girl with a cold sore? You tell her that her smile is contagious. +1647,0,What was the Mexican owl's name? Whoooolio. +1648,1,Yes i do come from a musical household i live in... ...A-Flat +1649,6,"Why did Death come to r/jokes looking for a redditor with the username Oast? Like everyone here on r/jokes, he came to reap Oast." +1650,2,Why couldn't anyone trust the snowman to do anything? He was kinda flakey +1651,0,Why did the rebel's butt hurt? He never gave a shit. +1652,1,"Armenian Special at Jack in the Box. Armenian customer: ""Let me hevvv... Arrrrmenian Special"" Jack in the Box Cashier: *puzzled look* ""Uhhh, sir. We don't have any Armenian specials."" Armenian customer: ""No, no, you do, you do... 4 Jumbo Jeck, 4 cheecken sendweech, 4 large fry, 4 drink... $5.99. Jack in the Box Cashier 2: ""May I take your order?"" Me: *Pointing to my new Armenian friend* ""I'll have what he's having."" " +1653,3,At first I thought it was great marrying an archeologist But then I found out she was a gold digger and my life is in ruins +1654,0,"Now that Trump is elected, our hindsight is just like the year we are looking forward to. 2020." +1655,0,"A PlentyOfFish employee walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks for the manager. The manager comes down and the PlentyOfFish employee asks, ""Can we set up a singles night here in your bar?"" The manager replies, ""Sorry, we don't do karaoke nights here.""" +1656,0,My great grandfather is about to be one of the oldest men alive. The wait is killing. +1657,3,"Went to the doctors yesterday... ..I said: ""doc, im having problems with my hearing""....""really? Can you describe the symptons?"" he replied I said ""yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"" " +1658,0,U2's The Edge used to be The Ledge ...but the rest of the band talked him down. +1659,1,My son would have been 3 years old today But I pulled out. +1660,0,"Everyday I Think About Success And I think About Death, Put 2 and 2 Together What Do you Get? Medium wage. I’ll see myself out." +1661,4,"Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit? Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob." +1662,4,Have you ever tried to eat a clock ? It's very time consuming. +1663,3,"A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent: ""You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."" He continued ""Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."" ""Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."" ""But ya fuck one goat..""" +1664,2,Who was the smartest man in the bible? Abraham. Because He knew a Lot. +1665,0,What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef. +1666,1,Just because I like Maths doesn't mean I'm good at doing it Same goes for women +1667,3,"So I rang the tourist office and asked:- 'What's the quickest way from the Holiday Inn to the museum?' 'Are you walking or driving?' 'Driving.' 'Well, that would be the quickest way.'" +1668,1,"If I ever go missing.. you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster." +1669,0,An officer pulled me over. He saw me blowing smoke out of my window and asked if I was smoking weed. I told him no. It was steam. Steam from the steamed hams I was having. +1670,2,"A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM. After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up. ""Everything alright man?"" To which he replied.. "" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance""" +1671,0,A horse walks into a bar.... ...and the bartender says why the long face? +1672,1,What do you get when 2 giraffes collide? A giraffic jam +1673,5,"Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers ""Since when do you wear womens pants?"" ""Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!""" +1674,5,Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code? It's full of std vectors. +1675,1,Friend: Have you heard of the school that was closed recently? Me: It doesn't ring a bell +1676,3,I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal. +1677,4,What's the difference between half a dozen dicks and the truth? You can’t handle the truth. +1678,3,"Here comes the rape train. Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says ""Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!"". to which the second hobo replies: ""oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"" ""Did you get a blow job?"" ""Naw, I couldn't find her head""" +1679,0,What did the gang of scary giraffes call themselves? The tower of terror +1680,1,What do you call the people that Trump didn't pick to be in his cabinet? Qualified. +1681,1,"My friends tell me I don't understand irony... which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus station." +1682,4,"Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane, the plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building. There were only 3 parachutes. ""I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute"" said Obama. ""I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute"" said Trump. They both grabbed their parachutes and lept out of the plane. The pope said to the young boy. ""Go ahead son, take the parachute"". The boy replied ""It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag."" " +1683,3,"Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think ""Baby it's cold outside"" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside." +1684,1,I went to my doctor with fluid on my knee. He said you're not aiming straight. +1685,1,What do you call a snake that wears panties? A pythong +1686,1,"NSFW Playing with yourself isn't easy At the minimum, its a handful" +1687,2,"Girls are like squaring numbers If they’re less than 13, do ‘em in your head" +1688,3,I'm so broke this chrismas... I'm just going to wrap batteries with a note that says ^*ᴛᴏʏs ^ɴᴏᴛ ^ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇᴅ +1689,0,"How do you return a bad record player? Angrily... No, scratch that. Crossly. " +1690,1,What did the upbeat Australian say to the sad American? Stop living in the past. +1691,0,"A guy calls a radio station He tells the RJ : I found a purse outside Toki club. It has 2000$ cash, a credit card , iPhone 7 and a driving license with Jenny name on it. Then RJ asks in a impressed tone,"" it was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse. The man replied,"" Nope I just wanted to request a sad song for Jenny."" LOL" +1692,1,What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross Country. +1693,4,A skeleton walks into a bar... Bartender: What’ll be? Skeleton: Give me a beer and a mop. +1694,0,What did the man say to Usain Bolt when he broke some glas? Stop it Jamaican a mess! +1695,0,If one in every 9 women suffer from sexual assault Does that mean the other 8 enjoy it? +1696,0,Studies found on the internet show Not all studies you Find on the internet are true or accurate +1697,6,"Play Ball! Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.” Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on. A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb!” “Who is it?”, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Barb, it’s me…Rose.” “You’re not Rose. Rose just died.” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice. “Rose! Where are you?” “In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” said Barb. “The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.” “That’s fantastic,” said Barb “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching on Tuesday.”" +1698,5,"I rode my bike to the liquor store to get a bottle of scotch. I bought the scotch, and put the bottle in the little basket on the front of my bike. But then I realized that if I fell over, the bottle was going to break and the scotch would be gone! So I decided not to risk it and I drank the whole bottle right then. Thank God I did, because I fell over 7 times on the way home. " +1699,1,I broke my leg in three places: My Doctor said. I advise you not to go to those three places again.. +1700,5,Just finished building doors for my fish. I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry. +1701,0,"Judge: Do you mix horse meat with chicken? Defendant: Yes, my lord..... Judge; How much. Def: 50:50 Jud: Please elaborate. Def: **One horse to one chicken.** " +1702,2,"Why do they bury dead lawyers 20 feet under? Because deep down, they’re good people." +1703,0,"The best joke from my school days There are two elephants sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other, ""Hey can you pass the soap?"" The other one replies, ""Only if you pass the typewriter!""" +1704,7,Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone he was a vegan. +1705,5,Why don't mitochondria have girlfriends? Because they're incells. +1706,0,"and i digress... Not sure which sub to put this on Was reading ""The Odyssey"" and early on in the novel Homer wrote about a man buying a person for 20 oxen. At first I was thinking about how stupid that was to not use money for that transaction (and obviously slave trade= terrible) but then I started thinking about how back then most people were farmers and 20 oxen means a good number of teams to draw farm equipment and getting the work done a lot faster. But if you are in the slave trade your primary source of income would be in the selling of slaves. I guess they could liquidate their assets at any time in exchange for other services, money, or even more slaves. But it wouldn't really make sense to just be constantly flipping for more oxen cause in the end you would just have to find a way to store, feed, and protect an ever expanding oxen herd. I guess one could go the organized crime route and have a few safe houses/properties to graze/store your oxen so even if one house gets raided you still have the majority of your wealth protected. But that would mean paying a bunch of dudes/families to watch over the oxen and they probably won't accept oxen for pay. I'm hungry but I want to figure out this ox thing. *Hits bowl to push off munchies and for inspiration* score I made jello earlier. Of course I'm on here instead of reading again. I guess it should just sorta end so I can get back to reading. Now where was I?" +1707,2,What would you call a Darth Vader statue? Mannequin Skywalker. +1708,0,"Restaurants to take your kids to when they are bad: Unfriendly's Dead Robin Applebees Burier King Applebees...oh, I already said that Sick-Fil-A Appleb... I think you get the idea" +1709,0,I got a new kitten from the Double Entendre Pet store. Because nothing makes me happier than a little pussy. +1710,1,What kind of tree lays eggs? A poultry. +1711,3,"Son : Dad, how does stars die ? Dad: Usually an overdose ." +1712,2,"I was at the blood clinic... I said ""I keep typing letters out of order"" The nurse said ""I'm not surprised, we've checked your blood, you're typo positive""" +1713,2,What do you call a gay Jew? He-blew +1714,0,What's a Republican's favorite keyboard command? Alt+Right +1715,0,Why are jokes about premature babies never funny? It's always too soon. +1716,2,Why do robots prefer one night stands? They like to nut and bolt. +1717,2,"A man accidentally swallows a coin He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates. The nurse says: ""No change yet.""" +1718,0,"How do you make a Snoop Dogg martini? One part Seagrams gin, one part cotton gin." +1719,3,Why couldn't the Italian get inside his house? He had gnocchi +1720,0,"Dad joked a co-worker today. Him: Hey Bails6923. How you making out? Me: With my lips, you?" +1721,1,What's the difference between ooh and ahh? 3 inches. +1722,0,"I was in Texas recently and met an officer with Colt 45. I said, ""Thats a nice gun."" He said, ""Oh this, I only use it for shooting cans...Africans, Mexicans, Puertoricans""" +1723,0,Amazon Fire Google Chrome: Amazon Fire Lasting for Weeks! Internet Explorer: New Amazon Fire! +1724,2,Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything Republicans said the temperature is -40° F And democrats immediately said it was -40° C. +1725,0,Hoe do you call a dog that likes to be on the internet. A Labragoogle. +1726,4,"The creation of woman. First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, ""There's something he's needing' ."" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing" +1727,2,"To a great mind, nothing is little - Sherlock Holmes Therefore, my dick isn't tiny. Bitches are just too dumb for it." +1728,1,"Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune? Because the host gets confused when they say ""I'd to buy a vowel eh.""" +1729,0,How did the hippie drown? He was wayyyyyy too far out man. +1730,3,Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite. +1731,1,"I'm watching that movie IT, and I'm not even clowning around... IT has nothing to do with Information Technology." +1732,2,What do you call someone with short term memory? I forgot +1733,1,How does a Lich keep his phylactery safe? He *encrypts* it. +1734,1,What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts +1735,9,I like my porn just how I like my search history Disabled. EDIT: First post and front page. Woohoo! +1736,1,Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him +1737,5,"The Ladder To Success A man dies and wakes up in heaven. After he walks through the pearly gates, he finds a ladder going to another floor. He climbs up, and finds an ugly looking woman. The woman goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man, turned off by the woman’s looks, continues up the ladder. He then finds a decent looking woman. She goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man continues to climb up the ladder. On the next floor, he finds the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She then goes, “fuck me hard, or climb the ladder to success.” The man resists his instincts and climbs up the ladder again. He then reaches the top. He finds the nastiest, fattest old man he has ever seen. The old man goes, “Hi, my name is Cess.”" +1738,3,"I walked into a pet shop and said, ""Excuse me, do you have any blenders?"" The man said ""yes"" and handed me a chameleon." +1739,1,Where do Jews really come from? They came from Jupiter. +1740,3,"May I take your order? the waiter asked. ""Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"" ""Nothing special sir,"" he replied. ""We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.""" +1741,3,I was washing my car with my friend. He asked if I could use a sponge instead. +1742,3,"Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died." +1743,0,What did the cop say to the mute person? You have the right to remain silent +1744,2,"10ish Both 9:45, and what Sean Connery plays with a racket" +1745,2,I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs. I think it's a pretty bright idea +1746,3,How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it. +1747,5,You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water If it sinks...girl ant If it floats....buoyant +1748,2,"At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him ""Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?"". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to the gallery, heaves up alongside the scruffy youth, and out of the corner of his mouth he growls: ""Tak' yer hands oot o' yer pockets!""" +1749,0,Why Did The Gambler Go To Asia? Tibet... +1750,2,"I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman... Thinking it over, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!" +1751,0,What fits with Turkey? It's hungry... i mean hungary +1752,1,"A buddy of mine asked me ""if you could have as much sex as you ever wanted but it could only be anal would you?"" I didn't think I could get behind that. " +1753,0,What's the best time to go to an Irish proctologist? Too farty +1754,0,"A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing. So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming their daughter 'Love,' knowing that while the child might be teased, she would grow up stronger and thank her one day. As expected, when Love started school, she endured much of the same teasing that Darling did, all because of her strange name. One day, Love simply had had enough. She came home from school very angry and screamed at her dad, asking why her parents gave her such a stupid name. The husband, being a good man, took the blame of naming her to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Darling came home and saw her husband lying on the ground. ""Omg, what happened?!"" she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, ""Shot with the dart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.""" +1755,0,"A woman is talking to her friend on the phone... “So... I found out my son, Hershel has got the AIDS.” “Oh my god! What are you going to do about it?” “Well, this morning for breakfast, I gave him some matzo bread with a slice of cheese on it.” “Uh huh.” The for lunch, I gave him some matzo bread with some peanut butter spread on it.” “Yeah?” “And then for dinner, I gave him matzo bread with a couple slices of roast beef.” “So, Helen... what’s going on? Did you find a cure for AIDS in matzo bread?” “Well, no. But it’s the only thing I can get to slide underneath the door.”" +1756,2,"If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision. If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through." +1757,6,"Happy father's day! 5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom: Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me Mom: And which one will put you to sleep Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you Mom's eyes filled up with tears. Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives? Son: Let them sleep with daddy. Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son ! Happy Father’s day!" +1758,1,"An Iranian goes to exchange some currency He asks the teller what the current rate is for the US Dollar. ""Now, or... now?""" +1759,0,"A hunter is sitting in his tree stand.. when out of nowhere he hears a gunshot just a few yards from him. A large brown bear comes stumbling through the woods and falls dead just a few feet below him. Not long after a large man comes up to the bear pulls his pants down and starts screwing this dead bear. The hunter in the tree stand is disgusted by what he is seeing and yells down to the man, ""You sick son of a bitch, wait until I tell everyone back in town about this."" The other hunter stops screwing the bear, pulls out a large handgun and points it at the man in the tree stand and says ""What did you say?"". The hunter in the tree stand says "" I said.. That I have never fucked a bear before, but I sure would like to try it!!"" " +1760,6,"There was a man who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.   Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.   Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.   ""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."" Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.""" +1761,1,"About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast." +1762,0,George W Bush likes his coffee likes he has his Secertary of State Black but not to sweet +1763,1,What do you call a Japanese pirate? J-Peg. +1764,0,"Why is the grass greener in Ireland, than it is in England? It's because we are all over here in England, walking on your grass." +1765,0,"What is Jack from australia most hated question? Are you hungry, Jack?" +1766,0,"It's the night before the Last Supper and Jesus decides he wants to lose his virginity before he meets his inevitable fate. So he goes out on the town with his favourite disciples Matt and John. It doesn't take long to get merry especially with Jesus taking advantage of the complimentary jugs of water and doing his 'thing' with them. As the night goes on they find themselves in the company of some fine ladies and after selecting one each agree to meet up in the morning to let each other know how they got on. True to their word they met up for some breakfast the following day. Matt and John had a twinkle in their eyes and a cheesy grin on their faces. Jesus however was looking miserable. Jesus said ' I guess you 2 had a good night then? '. Matt said ' Sure did. What happened with you? You seem so upset '. Jesus replied ' It was going so well, but then I went to finger her and she fucking healed up '." +1767,1,I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second. It was a meer-uncle. +1768,5,"Anal sex is a lot like broccoli. If you don't like it at home, you're really gonna hate it in the school cafeteria." +1769,0,I changed my password to 'my dick' But my PC said it's too small :( +1770,3,"What's the worst thing to say before a driving exam? ""This thing does have airbags, right?""" +1771,0,"A nazi, a KKK member, and a Trump supporter walk into a bar... *walks" +1772,1,Chiropractors should become interrogators Because their patients crack easily under pressure. +1773,0,If Clinton is elected president... It will be the first time two presidents slept with each other... +1774,0,What do you call a marriage between a midget and a 6 foot human? A long distance relationship. +1775,0,What do you call a bully that happens to be Arginine? A-mean-ol'-acid +1776,0,Driving a lotus is as easy As 1.2.3 +1777,0,"Who should we turn to after global warming has evaporated all the water? Mathematicians. Why, you ask? Because they never forget to add C" +1778,1,"My dick is like a subway foot long I tell people it’s a foot, but we all know it’s shorter. " +1779,5,"A man walks into a bar, orders a shot and immediately... A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. ""Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."" ""Relax,"" the bartender says, ""give me a five-dollar bill."" The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. ""Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."" ""Thass a great idea!"" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. ""Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, ""Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."" The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, ""There's $10 in here!"" ""Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too.""" +1780,2,"Saw tom Hanks at a coffee shop today, i asked for his autograph but when i looked all he wrote was THanks " +1781,3,"I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one. It's like they always say, never take anything for granite" +1782,7,I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20. But I partied like it was £19.99 +1783,1,Yo mamma's broke Because she was so fat she didn't fit in her window of opportunity. +1784,0,I work at a foster care agency with a rent to own policy... It's called wombs to go. +1785,1,"I like your friend... - Hey, I like your friend, the girl with the black hair... - She is married! - Oh I didn't mean her, the other one, more brown than black. - She got proposed 2 weeks ago! - So, what are your plans for tonight? It's 01:05, I can't sleep and I can't debug one dumb part of my code, so go ahead, downvote me to hell. " +1786,3,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause. " +1787,1,Some people call me a determinist. I think they were always going to say that and there's nothing I could have done to change it +1788,2,How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? It’s when the blind try to read your face. +1789,1,What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of children +1790,1,Did you hear about the guy who was possessed by a sneezing ghost? He needed to be blessed. +1791,0,"What did the sheriff say when he found the body of a black man at the bottom of a lake wrapped in chains? ""It's Just like a black guy to steal more chain than he can swim with""" +1792,2,Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. +1793,8,"A black guy and a white girl are at a party A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: ""Show me if what they say about black men is true"". He grabs her purse and runs" +1794,0,What is the hottest time of day? 2:flirty +1795,2,"In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew... Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee" +1796,4,A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. It blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber. +1797,0,My eye doctor told me I have 2030 vision But I don't know what I'll be doing in 12 years. +1798,1,"The Lone Ranger and his sidekick, Tonto, were riding through the desert one day... ...when Tonto raises his hand to signal for the Lone Ranger to stop. He then climbs down from his horse and places his ear to the ground. After a few seconds, Tonto says, ""Buffalo. Come."" The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto in disbelief and asks, ""How in the world would you even begin to know that?!"" to which Tonto replies, ""Ear. Sticky.""" +1799,9,"My mom just told me this one Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!? Me: really? Who? Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something... Me: Witherspoon? Mom: no, with her knife Edit: wow, I didn't realize it would blow up like this. Just to be clear, even though it may be a repost, my mother told me this joke yesterday" +1800,3,Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. +1801,2,"Two Jewish friends are walking down the street... Ben & Adam are walking down the street & notice a large billboard outside a church that reads ""Convert to Catholicism & make $50!"" Ben ponders & asks Adam if he should go in. Adam tells he should go for it and that he'll wait for him outside. 5 minutes later, Ben comes back outside. Adam asks him ""So how was it like inside, man?"" Ben replies ""I'm not sure. I walked in. A priest threw holy water on me. Then he told me I was Catholic."" Adam then asks him ""So did they give you the $50?"" Ben takes a look at him & asks ""Is money the only thing you Jews think about?!""" +1802,0,"A kid walks into a whore house With a wad of cash and a flat frog on a leash. The pimp is sitting in the living room and is surprised when the child walks in. He walks to the kid and says ""Hey kid, I think you have the wrong place."" The kid looks straight at the pimp and says ""No, I'm looking for the whore house. I want to have sex with Jessica in the back."" The pimp is immediately taken back and tells the kid that he can't allow that. When the child thrusts forward the stack of money, the pimp thinks to himself for a moment about the offer. He considers the fact that what he's doing isn't exactly moral anyway, so what's the big deal if he lets a kid in? After taking the cash and counting it, he says, ""With this type of money you can afford to pay for higher quality girls then Jessica in the back."" The kid refuses saying ""No, it has to be Jessica."" So the pimp tells him which doors to go through, and shakes his head as the kid walks through the door, taking his flat frog with him. After about 20 minutes the kid comes back out, still with the flat frog, looking quite pleased with himself. The pimp stops him before he leaves the establishment saying ""Alright kid. I got two questions for you. One, why did you want to see Jessica in the back specifically? And two, what is up with the flat frog on a leash?"" The kid looks up at the pimp and answers, ""The word around town is that Jessica in the back has STDs. Because I had sex with her, now I have STDs. When I get home and my fucked up older sister touches me and does sexual things to me, she'll get STDs. And when my dad comes home from the bar drunk and rapes my sister, he'll get STDs. And when my mom comes home from her work in the middle of the night and sleeps with my dad, she'll get STDs. And in two days when my dad is at work and the mailman comes over and has sex with my mom, he'll get STDs. And that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!""" +1803,0,"As I woke up and sat up in bed my girlfriend says, If you knew exactly what time and day you was to die would you want to know? I said,""No,I don't think so."" She said,""Forget it then."" (From:Steven Wright)" +1804,0,Subreddit for Bus Driver joke pun? +1805,0,"How many Anikin Skywalkers does it take to change a light bulb? Well, one. But he chose to embrace the power of the dark side. *Anakin. My bad." +1806,2,What do you call a traffic avoiding droid? R2-detour +1807,1,"How do you perform mediation? ""Meditation? Uuuummmmmmm........"" " +1808,0,Why does a bike rest on its leg? Because it is too tyred +1809,2,What is the speed limit of love? 68 ... any faster and you need to turn around! +1810,0,What do you call Liberals rioting and destroying shit? Fucking hypocrites! +1811,2,"A mime is performing an act in Paris An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanish man, and German man are watching the mime perform. The mime notices that they cannot see him very well. He places a box down and signals to the audience if they can see him. ""Yes"" ""Oui"" ""Sí"" ""Ja""" +1812,0,"Three kids were comparing dads Kid 1: My dad is so fast, he can throw a stone, run to its destination and catch it as it falls! Kid 2: Pfft! My dad can shoot an arrow, destroy a vase, accidentally maim a dog; and then fix all that like nothing happened before mom even notices Kid 3: *chuckles* Kid 1 and Kid 2: What's so funny? Kid 3: Dad starts towards home from work at 4:20 pm but reaches home by 3:11 pm everyday. Kid 1 and Kid 2: Nice." +1813,1,What the #1 thing every guy looks for in a woman? His dick... +1814,0,There is a BIG difference between blackmail porn and Black Male porn... Like at least 4 inches! +1815,2,Why won't Trump be impeached? Republicans like to see a child carried to full term. +1816,2,What does your mum and the Bermuda triangle have in common They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen +1817,0,My Favorite Invention is The Flashlight Because it's lit +1818,0,"Are you guys all right? No, you're all left. (Stolen from a master comedian from x factor)" +1819,3,"(My first dad joke) Pregnant lady's food stuck in vending machine Her (to staff): My food is stuck in the vending machine, can you help? I'm pregnant and I need to eat! Me (not thinking): You sure do! Also me (realizing that it sounded like I called her fat and hurriedly searching for a baby-related comment): This is about survival of the *fetus*! *fetus*" +1820,0,If a Teddy Bear Smokes Weed.... ....Does He Get Cotton Mouth? +1821,2,"A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park, the brunette says awwww look a dead bird poor thing. The blonde looks up and says where?" +1822,0,"The way we are modernising and technology is taking over the world. Hitler never died and he is alive, he got modernised with the technology too. EA: Electronic Adolf Edit: This is OC" +1823,3,"How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they prefer Natural Light. " +1824,1,My friend once said that there will always be at least one butthurt person on Reddit. He just doesn’t realize how insensitive his comment is. +1825,2,"An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, and a Northern Irishman walk into a pub... But they all left because the Englishman wanted to go." +1826,2,"A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. ""Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me."" In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, ""Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees."" She does. ""Now crawl to wall."" She does so and looks back at him. ""I know what wrong."" “What is it Doctor! What do I have?"" ""You have Ed Zachary disease."" ""Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!"" ""You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!""" +1827,2,What did the constipated mathematician do to solve his problems? Work it out with a pencil. +1828,0,What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can rinse her crack and resell it. +1829,0,How much beer can you buy for 50 Cents? Just a Tupac +1830,1,I know a mycologist.. He’s a fungi +1831,0,Make me rich +1832,4,Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band? Foreigner. +1833,0,How do you build an adobe building? Use photoshop. +1834,2,"Because of the winter storms there was a blackout in our neighborhood, the police told us to stay inside till they found him." +1835,4,I made a list of things I needed to do today My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on. Now she's high on my to-do list +1836,2,I don't use turn signals. I figure its none of their business where I'm going. +1837,2,"It's sad, really. I've seen less of my dad since the amputation." +1838,0,"If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly from AIDS. - Jimmy Carr" +1839,0,"What did the Russian say when... The Chinese man asked his Nationality? ""Eurasian""" +1840,6,"Walking Eagle On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president. At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left. A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Clinton. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly." +1841,0,"It's so hot out here, and I'm sweating so much... They have me working as a volunteer fire hydrant. Credit: Kyle Mooney on Saturday Night Live" +1842,4,"Blonde driver A blonde was driving down the highway. Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over. A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door. ""You were speeding, miss,"" she said. ""May I see your license?"" The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute before looking up in confusion. ""Well, what's it look like?"" she asked. ""It's a small square thing with your picture on it,"" said the cop. The driver looked again and finally pulled out a small mirror and handed it to the cop. The blonde cop looked at it and handed it back. ""Okay, you can go,"" she said. ""I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a police officer.""" +1843,0,What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of soup? clan chowder +1844,3,My cannibal friend likes to eat tight-rope-walkers... As part of a balanced diet. +1845,8,"Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign.. ""The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: ""Attention, the bridge is demolished?"" " +1846,4,I wish I could be ugly for one day. Being ugly everyday sucks. +1847,2,Just recalling some fun times I had with a girl with large breasts... Those were some fond mammaries +1848,4,Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight Unless it blows? +1849,1,What do you call a ghost's butt? A Booty. +1850,4,"A dung beetle walks into a bar and says... ""Excuse me, is this stool taken?""" +1851,0,"Whats the word im looking for? You're part of a three-man space crew orbiting Earth. You can ONLY relay one, one word message in 2 seconds. Whats the word?" +1852,1,"Doctors pen While writing a prescription a Doctor notices he has an anal thermometer in place of his pen. When the patient notices and mentions it the doctor replies "" I guess some asshole got my pen""." +1853,1,"Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them." +1854,3,Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving? He won't inhale. +1855,2,What is the favorite band of Japanese fishermen? Bob Marley and the Whalers. +1856,0,guys what's that smell i think my jew just got overcooked +1857,0,"In Canada, they don't play Duck, Duck, Goose... They play Puck, Puck, Moose. " +1858,3,"The Bank Deposit A man walks into a bank and goes up to the counter, ""I want to open a fucking checking account."" The banker is completely shocked at what she heard, ""Sir, could you please not use that kind of language in here."" ""What's your problem. All I want to do is open a fucking checking account!"" ""Sir, please calm down."" ""That's it, let me talk to your fucking manager!"" The banker goes to the back and tells the manager about the unruly customer. ""Don't worry, I'll handle this,"" the manager reassured her. ""Is there something wrong sir? I'll have you know that I will not tolerate any disrespect toward my employees as I personally hired every single one of them."" the manager said confidently. ""What the fuck is your problem?! All I want to do is open a fucking checking account and deposit a million dollars."" After a long pause the manager asked, ""Is this bitch giving you any trouble?""" +1859,2,I have the body of a god! Buddha is a god right? +1860,1,I tend to get boners at funerals. Guess you could call it “mourning wood”. +1861,0,35 million Canadians line up at the boarder of the US... Demanding access to Mexico. +1862,4,My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance. He always got his ten per scent. +1863,2,"2 termites walk in to a bar One of them say: ""is the bar tender here?""" +1864,1,If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you.... Mockin'Bae +1865,6,"A little boy... A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says : ""No butter for you for a week!"" The little boy then kills a honeybee. Dad says : ""No honey for you for a week!"" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy asks : ""Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?""" +1866,0,"If you ask me about my love life, I can honestly say... I'm holding my own." +1867,4,If you sin 90 times you’ll only be caught 45 times Because sin90=cot45 +1868,4,"THE BIG CRASH It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes. It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says. “AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer" +1869,1,What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come back from camp. +1870,0,They say there's strength in numbers. Tell that to 6 million jews. - Jimmy Carr +1871,0,A woman walks into an abortion clinic A woman walks into an abortion clinic ready to get her triple chromosomed autist baby aborted. The doc asks her if shes sure about this decision. She gets offended and makes a tumblr post. +1872,2,Who was the roundest night at King Arthur‘s round table? Sir Cumference! +1873,0,"It could be worse An angel complained to another angel that their junk was hurting from too many orgasms. The other angel said, ""At least you're not down on Earth"" And down in America, a friend complained to another friend that their stomach was full from too much cake. The friend said, ""At least you're not in the Third World."" And in the third world, a brother complained to his sister that there were too many bombs and not enough rice. His sister said, ""At least you're not in Hell"" And down in Hell, a devil had someone bent over, getting paddled on the behind with a cactus. The person was crying in pain. And the devil said, ""At least you don't have to feel grateful"" HAHA!!" +1874,0,"The Empty Tomb or was it? Thomas, Peter and Mary decide to go check the Tomb one last time.   As they walked along the dirt path leading to the Tomb, Thomas said, ""Jesus is dead, stop waisting my time"".   Early on Easter morning, after a long walk they finally reach the Tomb, just as the sun was breaking through the Misty morning fog.   Upon entering, all three of them see the body of The Christ.   Mary started to weep, Thomas said ""I told you"".   About to leave, they hear a voice from behind and turning around, there stood Jesus. ""April Fool's"" " +1875,2,"So the Queen of England and Dolly Pardon both due on the same day, When they get to heaven St. Peters says, I only have room for one more person to get into heaven, so you have to tell me why you deserve to get in. Dolly Pardon grabs her boobs and says this is the best pair God ever made I deserve to get into heaven. The Queen of England, without missing a beat grabs a bottle of massengill and douches herself. St. Peters gestures for the Queen to walk in, Dolly Pardon is besides herself, she can't believe what just happened and ask what'sgoing on! St. Peters responds madame in case you didn't know a royal flush beats a pair any day of the week. " +1876,6,"The pastor entered his donkey in a race and.... it won! The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.   The local paper headline the next day read: **PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT**   The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.   Again, the next day the local paper headline read: **BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS**   This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.   Thinking that it may be for the best, the Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.   The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: **NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN**   As a result, the Bishop fainted. When he recovered he informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.   The next day the paper read: **NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10**   This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.   The next day the headlines read: **NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE**" +1877,2,"People who generalize... I would finish the joke, but redditors are smart enough to see where it's going." +1878,1,Have you heard of the guy who's left side was cut off? Don't worry ​ He's *alright* now. +1879,1,What does fencing and r/jokes have in common? Riposte. +1880,7,"Her Him Her: I'm Susan, but you can call me Sue.  Him: I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Dick Her: Really? How do you get Dick from Dave? Him: You ask nicely. I heard this today! " +1881,4,The doctor told me I only had 2 years to live so I shot him The judge gave me 30 years. +1882,3,"A man walks into a library And sheepishly asks the librarian behind the counter ""excuse me, but do you have that new book for men with small penises?"". The librarian acknowledges the request and starts typing away on her computer to check the database, she turns back to the man and says ""It's not in yet..."" ""That's the one!"" The man says. " +1883,1,When I found out that doctors have finally found a cure for dyslexia... It was music to my arse! +1884,1,What do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Usain Bolt? Master Sprinter. +1885,1,Why did the lottery winner want to stay homeless? He was home-a phobic. +1886,2,What's an antihistamine? An unclehistamines wife -updoots for groan. +1887,0,"heroin can cause short term or long term memory loss So, did you take the heroin last week?" +1888,0,"There were nine sides, but after one left they got closer. We will always remember their prime, even if it is now Octogone" +1889,1,Why have Asian-American guys had hard-ons for the past 10 months? It's an Erection Year +1890,0,"What is the difference between Engineers, Architects and Contractors? An Engineer knows quite a lot about a very little and as time goes on they learn more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing. An Architect knows a little about everything and as time goes on learns less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything. But a Contractor has to know everything​ about everything, but after the Architects and Engineers get done with them they know nothing about nothing. " +1891,2,"Did you hear about the self-portrait scandal? Turns out, he was framed." +1892,1,Dogs can't operate MRI machines But catscan +1893,1,What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him? Tit for tat? (I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today) +1894,5,When I was a child I had many imaginary friends. They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends. +1895,2,"The perfect girl Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, ""Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"" Fred replied, ""Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."" His friend thinks for a moment and says, ""I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."" A few months later they meet again and his friend says, ""Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, ""Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."" The friend said, ""Then what's the problem?"" Fred replied, ""My father doesn't like her."" " +1896,1,If I had a dollar for every girl that swiped no They would eventually swipe yes +1897,1,"Two police officers crash their car into a tree . . . Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”" +1898,0,"My first job interview I still remember coming home from my first job interview... My wife asked, ""Did you get the job?"" ""I don't think so,"" I replied, ""I farted during the interview."" ""You did what!?"", she said, "" Well that wasn't very smart."" ""No,"" I admitted, ""I don't think lighting the stupid thing impressed them either.""" +1899,4,"Why are you telling me this story about a male chicken? I asked the bartender, confused. He just looked at me and replied, ""You asked for a cock tale, sir.""" +1900,4,"I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible." +1901,0,A woman grows a plant in a blossoming business as a CEO. +1902,2,"Yellow 24 A man goes to the doctor feeling ill. After checking the man over the doctor looks worried ‘ I don’t know how to break this to you, but you have a terminal disease known as yellow 24. Your blood will turn yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. I suggest you go and spend time with your loved ones. Distraught, the man calls his wife and explains the news, telling his wife that he wishes to do anything with her. His wife replies ‘ tonight’s my bingo night, it would be nice to spend my night with you doing what I do for fun. They arrive at the bingo hall, the man wins the first card getting 4 numbers, gets a line, a full house then wins the national prize. The bingo caller welcomes him onto the stage ‘son, I’ve worked here for 43 years and I have never seen someone win as much money in one night as you have done. You must be the luckiest man in the world’ ‘Lucky!?’ the man screams ‘ If you must know I have Yellow 24’ ‘Fuck me’ says the bingo caller ‘you’ve won the raffle as well ‘" +1903,2,Lots of people don't like my clown baton But I think it's ma jest stick. +1904,2,"What’s a Pirates favourite letter? You may think it’s R, matey, but it be the C" +1905,0,My New Year's Resolution is to start smoking I already smoke and am trying to stop; this way I guarantee I'll have quit by mid-February +1906,1,I wanted to be First Nation But I just wasn’t Inuit +1907,0,What is the fastest type of car?? A rental car. +1908,3,Why is sperm donations are more valued than blood donations? Because they're hand-made +1909,1,"In the 90s, most Europeans were tall, slender, relatively in shape. However, Brits were out of shape, their bodies blowing up, like a balloon. Scientists have now identified the reason behind this phenomena: The Irish Republican Army" +1910,0,"We should have known just how bad it was from the Trailers alone... Low Rotten Tomatoes score, an overly convoluted plot, over reliance on the source material to elicit feelings of nostalgia, awkward humor that was just not endearing at all, aged actors that clearly didn’t want to be there for anything other than a nice paycheck, and CGI that was just disturbingly awful. I really hated Cats, but looking forward to finally watching Star Wars with my family." +1911,0,What do Asians do during erections? They vote. +1912,1,What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers? Poly-ticks. +1913,0,What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gasp +1914,3,Why do black men wear baggy trousers? Because their knee grows. +1915,4,Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me... In my defence Schindler's list was a long film +1916,3,What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow? Mufasa! +1917,9,"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER." +1918,4,What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer. +1919,2,"Have you ever heard the joke about the three wells? ""No"" ""Well, well, well....""" +1920,0,"How did James Bond react to the news that he had impregnated a barely legal Bosnian gal? He was shaken, not stirred." +1921,0,It was winter and I saw a fish in a freezing cold water. So I took it out and put it in the warm oven. +1922,1,I know how to stop people from secretly getting into your computer. [removed by FBI] +1923,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from this old joke. +1924,0,Why doesn't Mary like Star Trek? Because William Shatner. +1925,0,"An old man and a young boy are walking through a park at night. The boy says to the old man ""I'm scared"" The old man replies ""*You're* scared? *I'm* the one that has to walk back by myself!""" +1926,2,I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas. It was motherfucking gold. +1927,0,I lost my virginity to Goku... I was grunting for days! +1928,1,"Asian restaraunt Waitress: what would you like? Man: I would like a bowl of chili. Waitress: But sir, this is a chinese restraunt. Man : oh im so sorry. ( Squints eyes) I would rike a bowl of chiri" +1929,2,"A young boy is walking home A young boy is walking home one way when he finds a welder's mask on the ground. He picks it up, puts it on, and fiddles with it, flipping the visor open and closed. Right then a white van pulls up next to him and a strange man tells him he'll give the boy a ride. The boy gets in and the man asks him ""do you know what fellatio is?"" The boy, still playing with the mask, replies ""nope."" The man smiles and asks, ""do you know what sodomy is?"" Again, the boy replies ""nope,"" while flipping the visor up and down. The man then asks, ""do you know what a pedophile is?"" Finally the boy says, ""Look, I have to be honest with you. I'm not a welder.""" +1930,4,[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk? Because they lactose. +1931,4,Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction. +1932,3,A man's testicles and his urethra are two very dissimilar things... It's true that there's a vas deferens between them +1933,3,What do you call a Muslim who always makes mistakes? Errorist +1934,0,(X post) An artillery captain was made a saint by the Catholic Church. One could say he was cannonized. +1935,1,"A young man decides to visit his parents for Christmas... Being single and on break from college a young man decides to do what most young men do. He packs up all his dirty laundry in his car and heads home. He drives all night and gets into town early in the morning. Not wanting to wake his parents so early he decides to stop for breakfast at a small diner. He can't quite decide what he wants so he asks the waiter to choose for him. When the waiter comes back he has the most delicious looking eggs benedict the man had ever seen. But he couldn't help but notice that instead of a plate, it was served to him on a hubcap. Of course being curious he asks the waiter why. The waiter replies, ""There's no place like chrome for the hollandaise.""" +1936,5,It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself. Just like he didnt. +1937,0,"2 terrorists, a white man and a black man are on the top of a building The first terrorist says ""this is for my people"" and he jumps off. The second terrorist says ""this is for my people"" and he jump off. The black man says ""this is for my people"".... ...and he throws the white guy off" +1938,2,"Hey girl, are you a repost? Because I fucking hate you and wish you didn't exist." +1939,0,There are ten 10 kinds of people in this world The ones who understand binary and those who don't. +1940,0,"When I was in Catholic school, everyone said anal sex didn't count But come on, everyone knows the poophole ain't a loophole" +1941,2,A gay couple is trying to have sex Guy 1: “aw shit we don’t have any lube” Guy 2: “we could use saltwater?” Guy1 : “that’s a homogenous solution!” +1942,1,"The Golden Bar Three guys go out to a a bar, called The Golden Bar. They have a great time, have too much to drink but agree to meet back there the next day. The next night, they take seats at the bar and start talking about the previous night. They start talking about the gold theme and asking the bartender if parts of their memory are right. First guy: I remember, a beer with gold in it. But that seems, wrong... Bartender: No, that's our golden pilsner, goldschlaeger and a light pilsner. Second guy: Wow, okay, but you didn't actually have a golden waitress did you? Bartender: Oh yeah, that's Janet, it's really just a lot of boddy glitter. Third guy: Yeah, all that seems pretty obvious. But, how'd you get a golden urinal? Bartender yells to the musicians: Hey, Joe, I think I know who pissed in your saxophone last night." +1943,0,My dad told me his new phone kept making him tired... He said there must be a nap for it. +1944,1,What does a hen wear to work. A hen tie +1945,1,"A drunk man stared at a huge billboard for more than an hour. The billboard, advertising soda, wanted the world to Drink Canada Dry. So the drunk bought a bus ticket to give it a shot." +1946,1,"A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up. The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure. Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family? Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks. The doctor reaches for his stethoscope and listens to the man's heart. After a moment he stops. Doc: I'm sorry but I must advise you to stop masturbating, sir. Man: What... Why? Doc: Because we're in the middle of an examination. " +1947,3,When can a woman make you a millionaire? When you are a billionaire +1948,2,What’s a Dalmatian’s favorite lighting fixture? A spot-light! +1949,0,"What did the Navajo warriors say to the last Hopi warrior? ""We've got your surrounded....come out with your hands up!!!""" +1950,3,I used to go to the Chiropractor once a week... But I stopped going because I was afraid I’d get addicted to crack. +1951,1,"Why are there 2 d's in ""Reddit""? The second one is a repost.... Just like this joke." +1952,7,"An Alabama girl sees her mother showering An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: ""Mom, what is that on your chest?"" The mother says: ""Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"" Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: ""What's that between your legs, dad?"" The father says: ""I can't tell you right now!"" The girl asks: ""Will I get it when I'm older?"" The father replies: ""You can get it now if you stay quiet.""" +1953,0,I need a girl named Ladesh so I can take her to Bangladesh +1954,5,Playing Dark Souls is kind of like watching porn... Theres no story we just want to beat it. +1955,1,Why did the physicist throw the stop sign into the ocean? He was studying sign waves. +1956,2,"A bear and a hare found a magic lamp. And the genie that comes out of it says that they both get 3 wishes each. The bear goes first and say: I wish to be the sexiest male bear in the universe. The genie snaps his finger and simply replies: Your wish has been granted. The hare asks for a Harley Davidson motorcycle. The genie snaps his finger, and a custom-sized motorcycle appear next to the trio. The bear then proceeds with his second wish: I want to be popular amongts humans, so they will stop trying to hunt me. The genie again snaps his finger and confirm his wish was granted. The hare then asks: I wish to have an helmet that fits perfectly with the H-D You gave me earlier. The genie snaps his fingers, and a cool looking helmet that matched the motorcycle colors appears on the hare's head. The bear proceed with his final wish: I want to be the ONLY male bear in the entire world, so I can keep all females for me. The genie snaps his finger, and confirm the last with was granted. The hare gets on the bike, starts the engine and before he leaves, he asks the genie: I wish that bear to be homosexual. And then the hare runs away in his Harley-Davidson." +1957,2,"A man walking on the beach... ...notices a man lying butt naked and a blind girl sitting next to him and tapping his butts. The man curiously asks her what she was doing, to which she responds ""can't you see? I am playing the drums"". The man then pulls down his pants and lies down next to the girl and asks her ""have you ever played a flute?""" +1958,1,Last night I lost my watch at a party. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it whilst harassing a girl. I went over there and punched him Nobody should do that to women Not on my watch +1959,0,What is it called when drunk Scottish people fight? Mortaled Kombat... +1960,4,"On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. ""This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."" Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, ""How do I stop the medicine from working?"" The herbalist replied, ""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."" Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ""1-2-3!"" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, ""What was the 1-2-3 for?"" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle. " +1961,2,"One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round “Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?” “Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said. “And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked. “Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perched on your shoulder,” he said. “And why did you name me Rose?” the next one asked. “Because when you were a baby a rose pedal drifted down and landed on your head,” he said. “Fjendoofntnnss.” “Shut up, Brick.” Credit to u/SafetyDanceInMyPants" +1962,2,"What do one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Damn, we do taste like chicken!" +1963,6,What if female pirates had boobs made of wood instead of peg legs It'd be weird wooden tit +1964,1,"Whenever I have sex, it’s a race to see who comes first. Me or the police." +1965,0,Why is the Champs Elysees lined with trees? So the Germans can march in the shade. +1966,0,The only reason millienials want to see Trump become president.. Because we've never seen a president assassinated before. +1967,1,I once wrote the score on a movie about a funeral... ...they said none of the songs on R.I.P. OST sounded very original. +1968,1,"The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward. Just in case the enemy attacks from behind." +1969,1,What type of fish can perform a liver transplant? A sturgeon. +1970,0,Telling time with Roman numerals? Not on my watch. +1971,0,My farts smells like teen spirit. Trashy. +1972,1,Lost an electron Really gotta keep an ion them. +1973,3,How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. +1974,5,"I Made a Poem..... I dig You dig We dig He dig She dig They dig It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep!" +1975,0,"Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's called a stud... But when a girl does the same she's called a lesbian." +1976,0,"Magic Apples ""What's in the bag?"" the youngster asked. ""Magic apples"", the old man replied. ""Prove it"", said the young man. ""Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?"" asked the old man. ""Watermelon and peaches"", he answered. The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. ""Ok, turn it over"", he said. The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach. The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic. The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat. ""I like to eat pussy."" he snapped. The man handed him another apple and told him to try it. He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, ""That tasted like shit"". The old man looked at him, smiled and said, ""Turn it over."" " +1977,3,Wanna know how I escaped from Iraq? Iran +1978,1,"Did you know Lone Starr from Spaceballs took up biking? Last I heard, he was riding a Schwinnebago." +1979,1,Did you hear why they are naming Trampolines after a famous 90's rap duo? Because Kriss Kross will make you jump jump +1980,3,What do rocks and girls have in common? The flat ones get skipped. +1981,4,"Of all the racial slurs, ""chinaman"" has to be the laziest. A black guy probably came up with it..." +1982,0,What's the silliest thing about a house? The windows +1983,0,take my wife..... please!!! +1984,2,"fat boy slim style Doctor, doctor, my husband was admitted into hospital for involuntary buttock spasms. Where is he? ICU, baby. Shakin' that ass. " +1985,0,"I was travelling through Saudi Arabia the other week, when I suddenly become quite peckish So I stumbled into Mecca Donalds and ordered a double aloha snakbar." +1986,1,Once a sink and a tap went to a bar. The tap went in but the sink wasn't allowed to enter. So he asked the bouncer to let that sink in. +1987,0,"A man walks into Richard Harrison's pawn shop... ... And says, ""I have a treat for you."" He digs through his bag, pull out a small item and says, ""Richard Harrison, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?"" Richard rubs his chin and replies, ""I'll give you 25 cents.""" +1988,6,How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes? sapnu puas +1989,0,What did Amelia Earhart die of? An embolism. +1990,1,I've heard you can pay and get a planet named after someone Now I can just call them star whores. +1991,5,"Radar gun While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, ""What's the hurry?"" I replied, ""I'm late for work."" ""Oh yeah,"" said the cop. ""What do you do?"" ""I'm a rectum stretcher,"" I responded. The cop said, ""What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"" I said, ""Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."" The cop asked me, ""What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"" I simply replied, "" You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge.....""" +1992,2,"An arab man found the face of Mohammed in his margarine jar He showed it to his Chinese neighbor who said "" I can't believe it's not Buddha"" " +1993,4,What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages? They both fear the wurst +1994,1,"A man jumps out of a plane while skydiving. This joke works better in person. As he is falling he realizes that his parachute doesn't work. So he decides to pray to Allah saying ""Oh Allah please save me."" Nothing happens. He then prays to God saying ""Oh God please save me!"" Nothing happens this time too. Finally he prays to Buddha and asks ""Oh Buddha please save me."" This time, a hand appears below him and starts gently lowering him towards the ground. The man says, ""Oh thank God."" The hand immediately goes and does: *insert hand slamming on flat surface here*" +1995,1,"A Brit, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker crash on a small island After wandering around for a bit, a group of natives find them. The chief says to them, ""we are cannibals and we are going to boil your bones, eat your meat, and then use your skin to make canoes. However, because you have done nothing to us, we are going to let you choose how you want to die. The Brit asks for a gun, and putting it to his head he declares, ""God save the Queen!"" before pulling the trigger. The Frenchman asks for a saber and declares ""Viva La France!"" before running himself through. The New Yorker looks at them and says ""Gimme a fork."" The cannibals are puzzled, but they honor his request and give him a fork. Immediately, he starts to repeatedly stab himself all over, legs, arms, torso, and etc. Horrified, the chief asks why he is doing this to himself. The New Yorker looks right at him and yells, ""good luck making your canoe now!""" +1996,1,What's the difference between Reddit and 9Gag? About 5 seconds. +1997,3,I didn't believe women were getting their assholes bleached Then my sisters boyfriend took his hat off... +1998,3,I'm learning how to play the neurotic guitar. It's a lot like an acoustic guitar but it's a little more high strung. +1999,0,"I went to get a job down at the construction site. Talked to the foreman for a bit and got on well. He says, ""I think you'll do, you've got the job. You just gotta fill this out..."" Then he handed me a shirt." +2000,3,"A cowboy goes to the stable He lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, ""What the hell are you doing?"" He replies, ""I've got chapped lips."" ""Does that help?"" ""Nope, It just keeps me from licking them.""" +2001,1,"Remember back in the day when you'd call someone gay and it was an insult? Now a day, everybody is just so butthurt when you do..." +2002,4,"This guy came up to me in the gym. He said, hey...what's your secret? I said, I poo with the door open" +2003,1,A lawyer walks into a bar And passes it. +2004,0,What's a pirate's favorite letter? It's the C matey!!!!! Idk I'm high +2005,0,"Obama goes to visit an African tribe to spread Western virtues He asks the chief to gather the entire tribe, and announces: - I've come to bring you religion! - Umbo!, Goes the tribe. ""I guess that means they're pleased"", thinks Obama. - I've come to bring you equality! - Umbooo! - I've come to bring you culture and ethics! - Umbooooooo! ""That went well"", he thought. After the speech, it was time for dinner, and after dinner, it was time for the tribal ceremony of putting the bonfire out with pee. When it was time for Obama to pull down his pants, the tribe leader remarks: - Such big, important Obama, such small his umbo. (Yes, I know it's not Obama anymore, but I don't feel like Trump would be a missionary kind of guy.)" +2006,6,"Engineers and Lawyers Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, ""How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"" ""Watch and you'll see,"" winks one of the engineers. The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, ""Ticket, please."" The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on. The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey. As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. One of the lawyers asks, ""How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?"" ""Watch and you'll see,"" came the reply. The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed. One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks. ""Ticket, please.""" +2007,2,I Was told I would miss my family... But I never miss at close range +2008,2,Did Jesus die a virgin? I heard he got nailed... +2009,0,"The Ends Twins There are two orphans, Carol Ends and Angie Ends, and they're the Ends Twins. They are adopted by a new family. This family has two other kids, Maxie and Mason. The family is very strict. Often times Maxie and Mason get in trouble for not listening to their parents, they're so scary after all. The Ends Twins don't follow the rules, and aren't scared of the parents. Maxie and Mason, on the other hand, can't defy the parents after how mean they can get. They get meaner and meaner, but the parents can't seem to get the twins to listen and obey the rules. Somehow, the Ends just defy the means." +2010,0,Why does the Mississippi river see so well? (Because it has 4 eyes!) +2011,1,"So a guy goes to Soviet Russia... He's standing in line to get into a bar, and a guy walks up behind him and comments on the beauty of the American's Rolex. As the American begins to explain all the features of his own watch he notices the Russian guy's watch. It's paper thin, nearly flush with his skin. He begins to laud it's design when the Soviet guy says ""Is brilliant example of glorious Soviet design!"" The American then notices the large, fancy briefcase the Soviet is carrying, he asks him ""Well, what's in the briefcase?"" ""Ah,"" says the Soviet, ""is battery.""" +2012,2,3 kids were making cookies but they didn't have chocolate chips Instead they used BBs. They ate the cookies and didn't think anything more of it. The next day the first child went to the bathroom and came running to their mother. Mommy mommy! I have BBs in my poop! The second child went to the bathroom and came running out screaming. Mommy mommy I have BBs in my poop. Later in the day the third child runs up Mommy Mommy! Mother replies...let me guess...you have BBs in your poop? Child: No! I farted and I shot the dog! Edit: spelling +2013,3,"A woman hits the jackpot... A guys wife comes home and says, ""Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"" The guy says, ""Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"" She says, ""I don't care, just get out!""" +2014,2,"A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. The blonde answered, ""Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces.""" +2015,0,"The disciples are saving Jesus, taking him off the cross... Rowing with his arms, Jesus screams: First the feet, first the feet!" +2016,0,"Killing A Fly ""Mommy, look at the fly I killed!"" My young daughter exclaimed. As she was eating a juicy pickle at that time, I immediately thrust her hands under a running faucet and washed them clean with antibacterial soap. After I had washed her hands, I sat her down so she could finish her pickle. ""How did you kill that fly all by yourself?"" I asked in awe. ""I hit it with my pickle,"" came the reply. " +2017,2,For sale: George Foreman grill and Muhammad Ali DVD's Both boxed. +2018,0,Splendid Cool Blue Outfits Online - YOYO Fashion +2019,2,"A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, ""You wanna screwdriver?"" He says, ""Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off.""" +2020,0,I once told DiCaprio a joke about the Oscars It took him a while but he finally got it. *edit of an existing joke* +2021,3,"My girlfriend asked, ""Why do we always stay home for dinner and never eat out?"" Obviously if I was any good at eating out, then you wouldn't be complaining about staying home." +2022,4,"What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper? A FIZZician I know, I’m lame." +2023,0,"I don't normally roll a joint... But when i do, it's my ankle!" +2024,4,"A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed. Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit. With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said, ""How the hell did you know where I lived?!""" +2025,0,"A farmer from Texas is touring a farm in Vermont. He climbs into the Vermont farmers pick up and it takes about 2 hours for the Vermont farmer to show the Texas farmer his farm including all his green houses apple orchards and organic dairy cows. Thoroughly unimpressed! the Texas farmer remarks ""You know back home it takes me literally ALL day to make the rounds on my farm in my old truck."" To which the Vermont farm replies ""Yeah I used to have a truck like that too.""" +2026,2,"Stalin loses his pipe After seeing off the Armenian delegation, Stalin looks forward to a relaxing smoke. He searches his drawer for his pipe, but can't find it. He phones is KGB headman, Lavrentiy Beria. *""Comrade Beria. Chase after the delegation and see if they have my pipe.""* 10 minutes later, Stalin phones Beria again. *""Forget it Comrade. I found my pipe in another drawer.""* *""What a pity""*, Beria says. *""They all confessed""*." +2027,1,"A man goes to the hospital A nurse entered the patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor. ""In...in front of you?"" He mumbles, shyly. The nurse says: ""Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times."" The man said, ""Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked body."" ""Of course I won't laugh!"" said the Nurse to the patient, ""I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."" ""Okay then,"" said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. The nurse, a professional, managed to keep herself from laughing, but did smile a bit. Feeling bad, she asked him about his symptoms. ""Well,"" he said, ""there are two problems. One is that it won't stop getting hard."" Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Immediately feeling bad that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.  ""I am so sorry,"" she said, ""I  don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be  the problem?"" ""It's swollen!"" replied the patient. She ran out of the room. " +2028,2,"A White horse walks into a bar. The barman remarks ""Did you know there's a drink named after you?"" The horse replies ""Kevin ?""" +2029,2,I put out my grades for adoption. I couldn't raise them. +2030,1,"A flight from Denver landed in NYC. Everyone in the flight started to stand up to pick up their hand baggage and this guy who is sitting on a window seat forcibly stands up and pushes through the two passengers next to him and stands in the line to get down the flight. One of the passenger says "" can't you wait for 2 fucking minutes ? What are you going to do standing in line before even the plane comes to stop"" And the man says, ""sorry bro, I suffer from Premature Evacuation""" +2031,2,Putin to seek re-election for President of Russia He's expected to carry 120% of the vote. +2032,0,"Have you seen that reddit post about... Yeah, I read it" +2033,0,What shape has ape sides? A Harambus. +2034,3,Scientist have recently learned how to grow human vocal cords in a Petri dish The results speak for themselves. +2035,1,What happens to a constant when it’s differentiated? it disintegrates +2036,1,What animal has the largest breasts? The Zebra +2037,2,My physics teacher told me that I had a lot of potential. Then he pushed me out of the window. +2038,2,"A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar The doctor sits first and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. The nurse sits second and orders a shot of Jose Cuervo. The mom sits last and says ""I'm sorry but i don't do shots"" then falls to the flood dead from polio. " +2039,0,Stole this from a friend... Isn’t it funny Steve Jobs died of PC? [spoiler]Pancreatic Cancer[/spoiler] +2040,2,What's the difference between a PhD in math and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four +2041,1,"Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm Ruthless." +2042,0,I had fish yesterday... It was so bad that it almost pulled a gun and tried to steal my wallet. +2043,3,My dad has the heart of a lion ... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo +2044,1,"The city of love I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess' So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall." +2045,0,Geology rocks. +2046,3,Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Love means nothing to them. +2047,0,It must have been terrifying to be Hitler's barber If you messed up his mustache... You can't imagine the fuhrer! +2048,0,Which country has the biggest appetite? Hungary. +2049,1,"A tale of colonial Pennsylvania When William Penn first started settling the area, he of course moved his extended family with him. Two of his aunts found great success in selling many different kinds of pies. And very quickly the sisters realized they could make a lot more money if the raised their prices. Well long story short, they got greedy and raised the prices so high that, in colonial Pennsylvania the only thing people were talking about for quite some time was the pie rates of Penn's aunts." +2050,0,"If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can't read this, djfhjd geyki c ncgj." +2051,1,"[insert phone ringing sounds] Boss: why aren’t you picking it up????? Me: I always answer on the 3rd call. Makes me cooler. Boss: PICK IT UP Me: fine [picks up phone] 911, what’s you emergency?" +2052,1,"Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?” Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”" +2053,0,"A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman. A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman. The mute friend points to his head. His friend says, ""Yes, intelligence is important."" Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend nods and says, ""Certainly a woman with money would be nice."" Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion. His friend looks at him strangely. ""What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?""" +2054,0,Why would you use worn-out prostitutes to destroy your enemy's navy? NO - it's not because they could smuggle in the largest amount of seamen... It's because loose lips sink ships. +2055,1,I'm currently trying to remove all Cancers. Then I'll move on to Virgos. +2056,1,I'm aiming to get my ex-wife back Just have to line up this shot... +2057,0,There is no greater embarrassment in life.... Than telling your parents that you want to be a Professional Bowler. +2058,0,What do you tell a kid with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told him twice. +2059,5,What's the difference between a joke and a pretty girl? sometimes i get the joke. +2060,3,Clothing related typos... They're the vest +2061,2,When I found out sperm banks were taking deposits through the mail... I came in a jiffy. +2062,0,"I've got a much better Russian joke So, during the cold war, at the height of Stalin's political cleanings and paranoia. Two guards were patrolling the Kremlin late at night when one turns to the other, asking almost casually. ""So, what is your opinion of Stalin comrade?"" The other guard fidgets. He doesn't know the other guard and he really doesn't care about Kremlin politics, he just wants to do his job and return home alive. But he knows secret informants are everywhere. ""I think whatever you think comrade"" he says. The first guard puts his hand on his shoulder firmly. ""In that case, I am afraid I have no choice but to place you under arrest.""" +2063,1,"When you find pennies under your couch, It might just be spiders trying to pay rent. " +2064,3,What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter +2065,1,What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. +2066,2,"Called my wife fat forever ago, and she's never let me live in down That's cause elephants never forget " +2067,0,How do you get a baby in a suitcase? With a blender. How do you get a baby out of a suitcase? With corn chips. +2068,2,"My girlfriend just sent me nudes! I just wish she was on the pictures, rather than her father." +2069,1,"A man walks into a doctor’s office... A man walks into a doctor’s office. He walks up to the registration desk and says, “I have a 1:30 appointment.” “Awesome!” says the secretary. “Which doctor?” “No,” the man goes. “The regular one.”" +2070,0,My wife has a beautiful face like a flower! A cauliflower! +2071,0,What's the difference between an Irishman and a Mexican? Nothing. Potato Piñata. +2072,0,What's the difference between President Obama and a bucket of shit? The shit's in a bucket ! *that redneck spit noise followed by a ting* +2073,2,"First Date A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, ""Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"" ""No,"" she said, ""but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."" " +2074,9,Yo mama so fat Thanos had to snap twice. +2075,3,"I need everyone to wish me luck... I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask." +2076,1,What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? Dora the EXPLODER +2077,1,Tree fetishists aren't that bad Their bark is worse than their bite. +2078,0,Two peanuts were walking down a dangerous ally... One was assaulted. +2079,1,You know what happens when you put a hard hat up to your ear? You hear the OSHA. +2080,0,"An explorer enters the Amazon rainforest... ...searching for the Lost City of Platinum or some such thing Europeans used to believe in. He hires a native guide, and they start following a trail along the river. The first day, they hear drums pounding in the distance of the forest. ""What are those drums?"" the explorer asks the guide. The guide shakes his head. ""Very bad if drums stop."" The second day, they make more progress, but the drums, though still distant, are louder. ""Really, what do the drums mean?"" asks the explorer. The guide just shakes his head again. ""Very bad if drums stop."" The morning of the third day, the drums finally stop. The explorer turns to his guide, worried. ""So, what does it mean that the drums stopped?"" The guide grimaces and says, ""Very bad. Now come bass solo.""" +2081,0,How many veterans does it take to change a lightbulb 2 One to change the lightbulb and the other to tell you they are veterans . +2082,0,What do you call a cat that sues a cat? A Clawsuit! +2083,0,If a group of cats is called a glaring A group of introverts should be called a fiction +2084,1,What do you call a dog who loves children stroking his fur? A petophile. +2085,0,"I still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket He said ""Hey wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?""" +2086,3,How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents? Meet Patty +2087,4,"“Jesus is Watching” A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s safe he hears a shrill voice. “Jesus is watching.” The burglar freaks out. He searches the bottom floor two more times, this time much more thoroughly and still finds nothing. He then goes upstairs and begins to search the rooms up there. Before he gets to the last room, the bedroom of the old man, he hears the same voice. “Jesus is watching.” The burglar looks around again, and then warily steps into the room of the old man, certain there has to be someone in there. He shines his flashlight across the room slowly until the light lands on a medium sized bird cage. Inside the cage is a colorful parrot. “Jesus is watching.” The burglar chuckles to himself. All this time he was scared of nothing but a bird. Playfully he says: “Hello there. Are you talking to me?” The bird quickly squawks back: “Yes, I am.” The burglar, more relaxed, decides to mess around more: “What’s your name?” “Ishmael.” The burglar laughs. “What kind of idiot names his bird Ishmael?” “The same kind of idiot who names his Rottweiler Jesus.”" +2088,2,"A woman was masturbating furiously on the subway The police were going to arrest her, but she got off." +2089,0,"A Muslim walks up to a Nazi He says ""Man, I hate sand. It's coarse, gets everywhere, and is really annoying."" The Nazi replies ""Yeah, I have the same problem with Jews.""" +2090,0,"Two guys walk into a bar... One knocks over the other says ""ouch""." +2091,1,A black guy and an asian guy walks into a bar after a lincoln costume party. The black guy hurt his head and the asian got his hat knocked off. +2092,0,"I got a really good knock knock joke. OK, you start." +2093,3,what do you call a ghosts boobies? Paranormal entitties. +2094,0,"My wife told me she wanted something bright & shiny and went from 0 to 120 in six second in the driveway....... I got her a glass & chrome digital scale.......why she wants it in the driveway instead of her bathroom is beyond me, but ""Nailed It""!!!" +2095,2,"I just got an awesome ""Do it yourself"" robot. The DIY-HANDYBOT 2.0 Me: ""Could you build me a cupboard?"" Handybot: ""Do it yourself.""" +2096,2,What does a blind man say when he listens to Braille music for the first time? This shit bumps! +2097,3,"Bar Contest So a guy who's new in town walks into the nearest water hole. As he walks in he see this huge jar full of ten dollar bills. Curious, he asks the barman what its all about.  ""If you can complete three challenges you win the whole jar.""  The guy thought there must have been thousands in the jar so he asked how to claim the money.   ""Put $10 in and i'll tell ya.""  So the man puts ten dollars in the jar.  ""Alright, first thing you gotta do is drink one whole gallon of this tequila,"" he holds up a huge gallon of some nasty looking liquor. ""...in one gulp without breath. After that, there's a mean Rottweiler out back with a sore tooth that needs to be pulled. When that's done, there's an 80 year old woman upstairs that hasn't made love all her life, you gotta make it right with her. Then you get the jar.""  The stranger is appalled and concedes his ten dollars. A few beers later and he asks for the gallon of tequila. He puts the jug to his lips and gulps and gulps, tears streaming down his face, but he downs it in one go. He then goes outside, followed by a big crowd. Inside they could hear a lot of yelling and barking. Finally they heard a little whine and then... Silence. The man comes back into the bar grinning and says, ""Now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?""" +2098,3,How is holy water made? By boiling the hell out of it. +2099,1,It's not cool to look down on people That's why I hate people in wheelchairs. +2100,0,I met a Ugandan woman at a bar the other day and we talked for hours We just clicked +2101,0,My friend told me about some new socks that help you stand up more. I said “I don’t understand.” +2102,0,"Two men talking in the park Two men were talking in the park The first man said: ""you look really good for your age whats your secret?"" The second man replied: ""every night before i go to bed i open my window and keep it open till morning"" Next they start talking about their jobs The first man said: ""im a car salesman i work at the dealership down the road"" The second man says: ""i work here and there been out of a job for a while but recently found a great gig breaking into houses and robbing them""." +2103,0,I heard that there was some beef with Dreamworks after making the 3rd Shrek Movie... It's all ogre now. +2104,0,"A man tells a friend that he had three wives pass away. A man is talking with a friend and reveals to him that his last three wives had passed away. ""That's terrible! What caused them to pass away?"" The friend asked, sympathetically. ""Well,"" says the man, ""my first wife ate poison mushrooms and died from that. Then, my second wife found the poison mushrooms in the refrigerator, ate them and died as well. My third wife, however, died from a fractured skull."" Taken aback, the friend replies, ""A fractured skull? How on earth did that happen?"" The man gets visibly frustrated and answers, ""Well, she refused to eat the poison mushrooms!""" +2105,3,Isn't it ironic that the fat acceptance movement... barely has any movement at all? +2106,5,"A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: ""While you're out, buy some milk."" He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk." +2107,0,"A guy says to a poor kid... ""Speak like you eat!"" And the poor kid stop talking." +2108,1,"The snowstorm This couple was watching the news and the weather report said there was going to be a snowstorm so if everyone can park their cars on the left side of road so the snowplow can come through the next morning so the wife did just that. Then the next week the couple was watching the news during breakfast and the weatherman says “there is going to be a snowstorm so please par-“ and then the power goes out so the wife says “Oh no! What are we going to do, where are we going to park our cars, what street“ and the husband says to his blonde wife in the nicest way possible “ let’s just leave it in the garage”" +2109,1,"So I had this dream of eating a large marshmallow The scary part was when I woke up I found my pillow missing. *Took this off an essay example thing we were given in English, thought it'd be pretty funny to post on here " +2110,3,"What's black, has eight legs, and makes a woman scream? Gangrape" +2111,0,Who hates ice cream v e g a n s +2112,3,"In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero. It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets." +2113,3,What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak +2114,4,I like my women like I like my golf game. Mid 80's with a slight handicap +2115,3,"I decided I wanted to be creative in coming out to my dad... so one day I put on some makeup. When my dad came in I looked at him with a smile and said ""I'm fucking Fabulous!"" He just stared at me and said ""Stop doing that"" before turning and leaving. Figuring that I needed to be more clear, I did my hair up and put on some gorgeous nails. When he came in again, I yelled ""I'm fucking Fabulous!"" with a flick of my wrist. He shook his head and yelled ""I told you, cut that crap out!"" and stormed off again. I began tearing up, but I wasn't about to be deterred. I took off my shirt and covered my torso in baby oil and glitter. Shortly thereafter he came to my room again. ""I'm fucking Fabulous"" I shouted, face red but words full of pride. ""I don't care what you wear, or what you named him"" my dad yelled, ""stop fucking that dog!""" +2116,0,What did the Russians say when the Germans surrendered KV-1 +2117,1,Why can’t orphans use any web browsers effectively? Because they can’t access any of the homepages. +2118,3,Why did the Feminist cashier get fired? She couldn't make change +2119,1,Cow Jokes What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak What do u call a cow with no legs? Ground beef Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake What do you call a cow with epilepsy? Beef jerkey What do you call a cow that doesn’t make milk? Utterly useless What do you call a cow drowning? In utter disaster (If you have more comment them below) +2120,3,I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6. +2121,1,What did the TV do at the beach? Channel surf +2122,1,"A guy goes to the doctor... He says, ""Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye."" The doctor asks, ""Did you take out the spoon?""" +2123,2,Spoiler alert! The milk has been in the fridge for three weeks. +2124,0,Son: What's going on at the Bagel House Cafe?! There's police cars everywhere! Dad: It's on lox down! +2125,0,Name two people shot in the back of the head in a theatre. Abe Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman. +2126,1,What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer? A wreath of franklins +2127,1,I've invented a new drink. It's called the Titonic. Add a bit of ice and it goes down quickly. Too Soon? +2128,2,What do you do when you see your mother in law standing in front of your house? Reload and try again. +2129,6,What does the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month? +2130,2,Did you hear about the 2 guys who stole a calendar? They got 6 months each. +2131,0,"What is black, sings and lives next to a vagina? Urethra Franklin " +2132,0,What’s a jew’s favorite band? The Black Shabbath +2133,0,"How do people take their tea in Boston? They don't drink tea, it's all in the Hah-Bah" +2134,0,What do you call a white supremacist forum? An (((chamber))) +2135,0,What do you call a fruit that can't walk? A vegetable. +2136,1,A roman walks into a bar Holds up two fingers and says five beers please +2137,1,"What kind of street to ghosts, goblins and ghouls live on? A Dead End." +2138,2,What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments? The ornaments can be rehung again next year. +2139,0,What did the whale-father say to his son when he thanked him? You’re whalecum. +2140,2,I heard they're testing a new pill for treating erectile dysfunction It's called coxaflopyn. +2141,2,"A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers. After he found out, he nearly shit himself." +2142,3,"Man to His Priest! Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” " +2143,2,"Mother's Day Child: ""Mommy, did you want a boy or a girl?"" Mother: ""I wanted a fuck."" " +2144,3,"A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve They feel a slight precipitation. ""I think it’s raining,"" says the man. ""No, it’s snowing,"" replies the woman. ""How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!"" exclaims the man. ""Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"" ""Definitely raining,"" Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”" +2145,0,What did they call Jesus before he turned 18? Nailbate +2146,1,What is Oedipus's favorite vegetable? Edamame +2147,0,Being a professional sky diver must have its ups And it’s downs +2148,1,What do you call a car that cleans? Broom broom. +2149,1,What do you get when you cut an Avocado into 6.02 x 10^23 pieces? a guacaMOLE +2150,1,Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he thought the black guy was following him. -Louis CK +2151,0,"Hitler had a company for making food drinkable. Its slogan? ""Get rid of the chews""." +2152,1,My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage. +2153,2,What did Donald Trump tweet after hearing there was a rumor going around that he hung himself? FAKE NOOSE! +2154,0,Earbuds What are you from 90's ?! +2155,1,I've always used debit cards and will always use them I don't like change +2156,1,"Did you hear about the handyman who had sex with his mom? Unfortunately, he's not a very handy man because he broke his arms." +2157,6,I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. Which makes me an eighth theist. +2158,5,"It is impossible., said pride. ""It is risky."", said experience. ""It is pointless."", said reason. ""Give it a try."", whispered the heart. ""**WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?**"", screamed the anus two minutes later." +2159,0,"Bunny asks Bear at his store Bunny: ""Do you have 1kg of blueberries?"" Bear: ""No"" The bunny continues to come back to the bear 5 days in a row asking the same question. Finally the bear says Bear: ""If you ask me about blueberries one more time, I will take a nail and hang you from a tree!"" The next day the bunny comes back and asks Bunny: ""Do you have 1kg nails?"" Bear: ""No we don't"" Bunny: ""Do you have 1kg blueberries???""" +2160,5,"Your momma's so fat, she's like the negative cosine of X... They both go down after pi" +2161,0,When does an average north Indian loses his virginity? When he spots a tourist. +2162,3,When is the best time for a dad joke to retire? When the kids are fully groan. +2163,2,School is like a boner... .... It's long and hard unless you're Asian +2164,2,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are each in their own rooms, who is the hottest? Whoever forgot to turn on the air conditioner." +2165,3,What do you call a moving nun? A Roman Catholic source: LaffyTaffy wrapper +2166,0,"A football recruiting coach begins training his successor. Coach: “If you see a player get knocked down, and he gets back up, should you try to recruit him?” Newbie: “Absolutely, he is a real talent.” Coach: “No, that’s too easy. What about if he gets knocked down twice and gets up twice. ” Newbie: “Clearly this player has shown determination and we could use him on our team.” Coach:”Again, no. Clearly you don’t have a knack for this.” Newbie: “Well then who should I be recruiting?” Coach: “I want you to get me the guy who is knocking everyone down!”" +2167,3,What blood type do optimists usually have? B positive +2168,1,What do you call a gay vampire? A haemosexual. +2169,1,"Eat Marshmallow and Digest a Pillow I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone." +2170,2,"When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet. He was a really aggressive janitor." +2171,1,What’s on the gravestone of a robot? Rust in peace! +2172,0,What does a barista call his cum? A fappuccino +2173,2,"A man goes to a barber shop... ""How much for a haircut?"" ""$20"" answers the barber. ""What about shaving?"" ""$10"" ""Okay, shave my head, please."" " +2174,0,"Discrete Joke My buddy and I were playing DD. I told him to roll a *_d_`20`* He pulls out a die with 895014631192902121 sides, so I call him deranged." +2175,0,I hate having piles. It's bloody shit. +2176,0,Why was Little Richard sad? Because everyone kept calling him by his shortened name :( +2177,3,"A man said to me, ""Man, I was so wasted last night I went home and blew chunks!"" I said, ""most people are sick after drinking too much."" ""No, you don't understand."" he replied. ""Chunks is my pitbull.""" +2178,1,I have a feeling... The plot for the Goatse biopic is going to have some gaping holes +2179,0,Whenever I listen to Whale music on Amazon Music I always read the lyrics to sing along. +2180,2,Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018 Flake news +2181,3,Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor bastard. +2182,1,"What will Santa get me this Christmas? When I was little, I asked my dad ""What will Santa get me this Christmas?"" My father replied, ""Don't think about getting. Think about giving!"" So I said, ""OK, what will Santa give me this Christmas?""" +2183,1,How did heavy metal ruin Michigan? By contaminating the groundwater +2184,2,I've never used condoms when screwing in the living room We always use the pull out couch +2185,1,How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials? A buck a 'roo. +2186,0,"Santa on the bad list? Impossible!!! On the 1st of December a little boy called Jim sends Santa a card asking ""can I have a sister for Christmas. The next day he sent one back saying ""Ok Jim send me your mother""." +2187,5,What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. +2188,0,I'm really irritated by people that are missing phalanges. I guess I'm lactose intolerant. +2189,1,Whats the difference between Snowman and Snow woman Snow Balls +2190,1,"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. Pretty Girl: ""Did you just call me fat?!""" +2191,2,"Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves. As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter." +2192,3,Do you know what DNA stands for? National Dyslexic Association +2193,1,What did you think of my slow-baked-pancakes? I've had batter +2194,0,"Chuck Norris Goes Back in Time Chuck Norris once went back in time to stop the Kennedy Assassination. Lee Harvey Oswald fired three shots, Chuck Norris deflected them all with his beard and Kennedy's head exploded out of pure amazement." +2195,1,"The Advice In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women. Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t let this blessing go waste and decided to have as much fun as he could have. And thus, he quickly moved from one casual affair to another. But by the end of the fifth such affair, he was tired. As fate would have it, the next woman he met was perfect in every way. Soon enough, they fell in love and Joe had never been happier. A year passed and Joe began to wonder if he was wasting the gift he had! And one doubt led to another, and before he knew it he was back on the road to casual relationships. Several years and casual relationships later, Joe would occasionally still feel a void that he was unable to fill. It was around then that he heard of a strange wise man, who gave every man a single vague advice and yet it would make sense to each seeker in their own way. Joe obviously decided to go seek the advice. Having listened to Joe’s story, the wise man smiled an all knowing smile, and said “Joe, you’ll find all your problems solved, if you simply go back to bae six.”" +2196,1,What's on the tip of Jedi's dick? A Forcekin +2197,1,"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex can make your whole day, but anal sex makes your hole weak. " +2198,0,"Bird Joke A Cornish hen, geoccoyx, and an albino cardinal walk into a birdhouse bar. The Cornish hen approaches the bar and orders some seed and immediately begins to feed on the seed. Next, the geoccoyx goes up to the bar and orders some greens with a side order of worm and starts pecking and nibbling his tasty dish. Finally the albino cardinal approaches the bar. Concealed beneath his left wing he reveals he is in possession of a tiny stick of TNT and blows the whole joint up. Turns out for the last 4 or 5 years some of the other birds had been calling him names and so on." +2199,4,"My kids wanted a cat for Christmas. I was going to cook a turkey, but hey, whatever makes them happy." +2200,4,"My friend was in a comma The doctor said ""Do you mean coma?"" and I replied ""No, it's just a short rest."" " +2201,1,What is the deadliest kind of teen? A hungry one. PSYCHE! A guillotine. +2202,0,Dont blame my family Girlfriend and boyfriend came to home and then girlfriend - Honey i lost the key boyfriend - It was in your jeans girlfriend- Dont blame my family. 😂😂😂😂😂 +2203,0,"For 2016 I gave up smoking, for 2017 I gave up drinking. For 2018 I gave up compulsive lying." +2204,1,What is a computer’s favorite food? Cookies and chips. +2205,3,Smart golfers always wear two pairs of pants in case they get a hole in one. +2206,2,"If you're fat, life is like a box of chocolates... ...it doesn't last for long." +2207,3,"An Amish man and his son... An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut almost silently. The numbers blink up, pause, and then back down, and the doors reopen. A gorgeous, much younger women in a miniskirt emerges and walks away. The father turns, astonished, to his son and hoarsely says, ""Go get your mother...""" +2208,4,"Raisin bread sales in a bakery The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt @ the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. ""I'd like some raisin bread please,"" the man says. The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with a view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on @ requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, ""Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, ""Is it raisin for you too?"" ""No,"" he stammers, ""But it's quiverin' a little..""" +2209,1,"What goes up, but doesn't come down? The USA's debt" +2210,2,"Two men are playing golf Two men are hitting the links one day when they realize that they are approaching a pair of women players ahead of them. Realizing that they need to observe proper etiquette, the first man starts to walk down the green to ask if they can play through. About half way down the green, the first man stops and makes a sudden about face, running back to his partner. ""I cannot ask those women if we can play through,"" the first man says through his breaths. ""One of those women is my wife while the other is my girlfriend. Can you go ask?"" The other man starts down the green when he stops at the same point and also makes a hurried rush back. ""Small world!"" the man says." +2211,1,What do people with constipation and liars have in common? They're both full of shit. +2212,0,"An alcoholic, a weed addict, a heroin addict and a gay person go to the doctor. First the alcoholic goes in and the doctor tells him: ""if you ever drink another shot of alcohol, you're going to die"" Then he tells the heroin addict: ""if you ever put just a little bit of heroin in your blood, you will die"" Next up is the weed addict and he hears the same thing: if you ever smoke anothe joint you will die immideately"" Last up is the gay person and the doctor tells him that if he ever fricks another guy again he will die. So, when they are all walking home together, the alcoholic sees a pub. He can't resist, goes in, drinks a shot and dies. The gay person and both of the addict continue to walk, when they see a bunch of junkies sitting in a circle doing heroin. The heroin addict can't resist. He goes in, stabs himself with the needle and as soon as the heroin is injected, he dies. So the weed addict and the gay person were left alone. They continued to walk as the weed addict sees a half smoked joint on the floor. He is thinking if he should pick it up and smoke it. The gay person sees his dilemma and says: ""I wouldn't pick that up, because we will both die""" +2213,3,"A man walks into a bar with his dog A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done""." +2214,1,The only way to loose weight from green tea is that You pick it from the mountains yourself +2215,3,Rap is like scissors... It always loses to rock. +2216,1,I asked a Welsh man how many sexual partners he have had He started counting and slept off +2217,0,What does corn nuts and a badly thown baseball have in common? Someone is busting a nut. +2218,0,What did Santa say when he was scrolling through Twitch? Hoe hoe hoe +2219,2,"Money-wise I’m set for life, Provided I die next Tuesday" +2220,1,Save gas: Fart in a jar. +2221,2,I never give homeless people cash. I don't want them using my drug money on drugs. +2222,1,The award for best X-Man goes to... Caitlyn Jenner. +2223,0,"A Police Officer sits at the side of the road... ... when all of a sudden, a speeding, swerving Oldsmobile flies by. This site is strange enough, but by far the strangest thing about this scene is that the officer SWEARS that he saw this little old lady in the front seat knitting away. So he puts on his lights, and catches upto the car. The Officer watches this lady, still swerving and speeding and, sure enough, knitting away, and despite the lights she doesnt even attempt to pull over. 'Perhaps she just doesn't see me?' Thinks the officer So he gives her a blast of the siren. And then another. And another. And still, she just sits there, no hands on the wheel, just knitting away. 'Maybe she's deaf, or just has her music up too loud to hear me?' Not wanting to PIT this poor old lady the Officer decides that the best thing to do is to pull up beside her and get her attention. SURELY she'll stop then. So he speeds up, matching speed with the car. He watches as the old lady notices him, lights flashing and siren blaring, and is FLOORED when she just smiles, and waves before returning to her knitting. The officer tries getting her attention again, this time motioning her to roll her window down. She sees him and after a second of confusion at the strange sight before her rolls her window down and yells over. 'It's a beautiful day for a drive Officer'. Then she just returns to her knitting business. The Officer is just flabbergasted. So after a few moments of shock and awe, he yells back 'Pull over' To which she yells back, 'No, cardigan!'" +2224,4,My Dad is a real family man. He has three of them +2225,2,What came first? The chicken or the egg? The rooster +2226,2,What's the difference between a coffee and your political opinion? I asked for the coffee. +2227,0,"Ever been poltergeisted? It’s like ghosting, except she never leaves and sends you threatening messages." +2228,1,Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? classical conditioning. +2229,1,Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There's no John! +2230,2,What is Hitler's favorite thing to cook with? WHITE FLOUR! +2231,5,"Today, I saw an ad that said “Radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.” Then I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”" +2232,1,If your hands aren't healing... Take matter into your own hands +2233,1,Best part of an Alabamian wedding? Can also double as a family reunion. +2234,1,An anti-joke. Me: my dog has no nose. Friend: how does he smell? Me: he doesn’t. +2235,1,How do you know when there is a bassist at your door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. +2236,1,"Long life A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, and she and all her family has followed that advice, it worked apparently, she left behind 7 children, 17 grandchildren, 29 great grandchildren, 42 great great grandchildren, and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be..." +2237,2,"One Sunday St Peter looks down from Heaven and calls out to Jesus ""Look!"" he says. ""Father O'Malley is golfing on Sunday!"" Jesus smiles and holds out his hands in blessing. Moments later the Father drives off the first tee and holes in one. When the Father retrieves his ball and goes to the second tee, Jesus again holds out his hands in blessing and the Father holes out again. He goes to the third tee, a long par five where he shouldn't even be able to carry the green, but Jesus blesses him for the third time and the ball goes straight into the hole. St Peter say, ""Lord, have we then dispensed with the Commandment: *Remember the Lord's Day, and keep it holy* ?"" ""No,"" says Jesus, with eyes that crinkle in a blend of mercy and justice, ""but who is poor O'Malley ever going to be able to tell?""" +2238,1,"A dog and the policeman Jabu goes into a bar to have himself a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,"" Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"" Jabu said it was his. ""Your dog seems to be in heat"" the officer said. Jabu replied, ""No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."" The policeman said, ""No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."" ""No way,"" said Jabu. ""That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."" The exasperated policeman said, ""NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"" Jabu looked at the cop and said, ""Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog" +2239,0,"What do you say when you see a prostitute walking down the street? Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work you go" +2240,0,Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March? They only had 2 trucks. +2241,2,What did the poisonous spider get pulled over for? Recluse driving. +2242,1,What's worse than Grease on Olivia Newton-John? Come On Eileen +2243,0,"I was at my friends house the other day.... I was at my friends house the other day and noticed a small bee with a spiked collar on flying around his kitchen. I thought nothing of it until I heard it buzz ""Zimbabwe is mine!"". I was a bit taken aback but my friend didn't seem to notice. A few minutes later, the bee exclaimed ""Death to the Z.A.P.U!"" I couldn't hold back my curiosity any longer. ""Ahh whats up with that bee?"" My friend replied, ""Oh don't mind him, that's Robert, my guard bee.""" +2244,0,"I'm writing a book, and I'm pretty sure it's gay. It's coming out soon." +2245,0,"Mother and Baby A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady, ""Why is your stomach so big?"" She replied, ""I'm having a baby."" With big eyes, he asked, ""Is the baby in your stomach?"" She said, ""He sure is."" Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, ""Is it a good baby?"" She said, ""Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."" With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... ""Then why did you eat him?""" +2246,1,"A guy at work cut his thumb off... My boss was telling me the story and said: ""Yeah I just walked up and he was just sitting calmly outside the shop, I don't know what he was doing outside the shop..."" Me: ""Well he sure as hell wasn't hitchhiking""" +2247,5,"Pay me what I'm worth! I once asked my boss for a raise. He asked me how much I wanted. ""Just pay me what I'm worth,"" I said. He replied, ""I can't. There's a minimum wage law.""" +2248,2,"A man desperately needs a restroom A man out for a night in town gets a sudden, desperate urge to take a dump. He walks to the bathroom but it's full. He runs over to the bartender and desperately questions if there is some sort of special employee restroom he can use. ""Sure. Go upstairs. Take a left."" The man rushes upstairs and finds the bathroom. There's a small room on the left with a worn out, old toilet. He rushes to the door, but it's locked! Unable to take it anymore, the man runs over to the corner where he sees a bucket, near to which is a large hole in the floor, and relieves himself there. He's on the bucket for a solid thirty minutes. As he gets up, he dumps the bucket into the hole to cover his tracks. Satisfied, he makes his way downstairs to discover, to his shock, that everyone is fleeing the bar, chunks of smelly brown stuff had been flung everywhere. The bartender has taken cover behind a counter. ""What the hell happened here?!"" The man asks."" The bartender quips back: ""Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!""" +2249,1,Soccer is the only sport that isn't a game of inches. It's a game of feet. +2250,5,I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today. I'll let you know... +2251,1,"One day the Roman god Jupiter received a forwarded email from Zeus. “I wouldn’t open the attachment,” warned Jupiter’s son, Mercury. “Beware of Greeks bearing gifs.”" +2252,0,Two duck hunters You know about the two duck hunters who were found dead in Texas? The lawyer for the defence says the accused acted in self defence and that the community says duck lives matter too. +2253,0,If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E... .....does he become an earlobe? +2254,1,"A man is hanging out in an alley, waiting to scare someone A man is hanging out in an alley, waiting to scare someone. After waiting a while, another guy starts walking down the alley. The first guy jumps out at him, screaming ""BAAH!"" The second man, startled, says, ""Why did you do that?"" ""I just want to scare people,"" the first man responds. ""Well,"" says the second man, ""I'll help you scare people if we can also shove 'em around a little."" ""Sure, let's do it."" The two men wait in the alley together when a third man walks through. The two compatriots jump out at him and move forward aggressively. The third man states, ""Hold up, guys, it looks like you want to hurt me. How about we all work together to mug anyone who comes through? No one can stop all three of us!"" The first two agree. All three men are now waiting in the alley when a man dressed in a full suit and tie starts to walk through. The three men jump out to ambush him when he quickly states, ""Wait right there, my good sirs. How would you like to join my group, where we scare, bully, and steal from anyone we want, then deny it ever happened?"" The three men, pleased, quickly assent. ""What group is that?"" the original man asks. ""The Republican Party!""" +2255,3,"At the Butchers A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asked the manager, ""Where's John?"" The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found with his dick stuck in the bacon slicer while at work. Then the man asked, ""What happened with the bacon slicer after that?"" The Manager then replied, ""I had to fire her too.""" +2256,1,I won our local dwarf tossing contest today. Being thrown the farthest still doesn't make me happy. +2257,0,"What's long, black, hard, wet, and full of seamen? A submarine, you perverted fuck. ^^^Best ^^^told ^^^aloud" +2258,2,What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!! +2259,0,Why should neither hillary or trump be allowed to run for president? Because once you go black you can't go back +2260,3,"Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014 But he was exposed as a double agent." +2261,4,"There are three men standing at the gates of heaven Each of them must describe the way they died before entering. The first man says, ""Well, I had a suspicion that my wife might be cheating on me, so I came home early to our apartment to catch them in the act. At first, I'm walking around and I don't see anything. However, when I walk over to the window I notice that a man is dangling off of the balcony! Filled with rage, I grab a hammer and begin pounding at his fingers until he falls. Unfortunately, he didn't die because he landed on some bushes. Even angrier, I pick up the mini fridge in our kitchen and throw it down, killing him. But I became so worked up that I had a heart attack and died."" The first man passes through. The second man steps forward and says, ""So I was just minding my own business, washing the windows of an apartment building when suddenly I loose my footing and begin to fall. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto the balcony of a suite to save myself. But then some crazy guy runs out and starts hitting my hands with a hammer until I fall again! This time I landed on some bushes so I was ok, until this guy decides to throw down a mini fridge and kill me!"" The second man passes through. The third man steps forward, and says, ""Picture this: I'm butt naked hiding inside a mini fridge""" +2262,0,Why does Trump only use a laptop computer? Because of the small keyboard. +2263,2,"As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter? Me: ARRRGH! Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the ""C""!" +2264,0,"Meantime in Heaven.... So G-d decides to visit the waiting room of Heaven and visit with all of the new arrivals. He says to all the men, ""I want you to separate yourself into two lines. One line for all the men who were truly heads of their households as I commanded, and those who let their wives control them."" Then he commanded the women to pass through the gates and move on to the afterlife. After some time, the men separated themselves out into two lines. The first line was hundreds of miles long and was the men who were subbordinate to their wives. The second line only had one man in it. G-d looked at the two lines and said ""everyone one of you has disappointed me. You were commanded to be the heads of your household and to lead your women and your familes. Only one of you actually managed to do that. You should all look to him as a model and an example. Surely he shall be truly rewarded."" Then he turns to the man and says ""please tell everyone how you came to stand by yourself as master of your house."" The man looks back at the other line, then looks at G-d and says: ""My wife told me to stand here."" He was rewarded. And when the other men asked what he was rewarded with, they said he was rewarded with punch. Because there is no punch line in the afterlife." +2265,1,What do you call a man who went to the beach all summer? A tangent +2266,2,I just found that Aaarghh is not a real word. I can’t express how angry that makes me. +2267,0,Grandpa told many Vietnam War stories. He always mentioned that if you were uniformed it was really hard to watch it. took me a while to realize he meant pronunciation +2268,0,"For Halloween, I decided to meddle with magic... As a single guy, the first thing I tried was a love spell and it really did work! Next thing you know, I'm on xhamster and there were tons of singles in my area ready to meet me!" +2269,2,What did the paleontologist say to his wife after 6 months in the field ? You wanna bone? +2270,1,"A man tells his wife, ""I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."" The wife responds, ""This joke is as old and funny as you are.""" +2271,0,"When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me. " +2272,1,"I work with a Japanese man, and he only wears shoes that do up with velcro. I'm really starting to think he might be a lacist. " +2273,1,"A young man asks the Chief how he picks the newborns names. A young man approached the chief of his village with a question. He said ""Wise cheif, you are in charge of naming every child in this village. How do you go about choosing the names for your people?"" The Cheif heard the question and without saying a word walked over to a small window in the tent and motioned for the young man to look out it. ""Well,"" spoke the Cheif ""on the day a child is born I look out this window, and if I see gentle snow falling the child will be named Gentle Snow, and if I see fresh fields of green the child will be named Green Fields, and if I so happen to see flowers blooming then the child will be named Blooming Flowers.....why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?""" +2274,0,"Mom, why is the internet so slow Well, either your brother loads something down or your sister loads something up." +2275,2,"I drive like my brother I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?” He says, “My brother might be coming.”" +2276,2,The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is You can drop her anywhere! +2277,2,"I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth. These bagel bites are so good. -credit to my wife" +2278,1,"Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day Teach a man to fish, and he’ll deplete the ocean of its fish stocks, starting a chain reaction that will lead to the 6th mass extinction, leaving the human race extinct" +2279,1,"An American, Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in the sauna Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm and others look at him questioningly. “That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” “A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lift his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains,” that’s my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.” The Nigerian feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be out done decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eye brows and said, “Wow” what’s that?"" “I’m getting a fax!” he exclaims." +2280,8,My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old. Until I showed it to her in the freezer. +2281,6,"Just married!! A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, ""here put these on."" She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. ""I can’t wear your pants,"" she said. ""That’s right!"" said the husband, ""and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"" With that she flipped him her panties and said, ""Try these on."" He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, ""Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"" She said, ""That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…""" +2282,0,What do you call a prison ward that receives a prize? Award. +2283,2,A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... She said some asshole must have her pen. +2284,3,What do cannibals ingest to freshen their breath? Men toes! +2285,1,"(NSFW) A camel and an elephant are at a bar. The elephant says ""you know you have two boobs on your back""? The camel replies ""bold question for someone with a dick on their face"" *adopted from a comic on a junkyard bathroom " +2286,0,What happened to frog's car? Toad. +2287,0,Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls. My dad told me this like 10 years ago and I can't get it out of my head... +2288,2,What do you call an army of cows? The milidairy +2289,1,Minecraft is 10 years old Older than half the people that play the game +2290,0,29 and 30 had a fight. 31. +2291,1,"How many pilots do you need for good music? Well, at least 22." +2292,1,Somebody needs to explain to me why all the mail I send to New England... ...ends up in Nebraska... +2293,4,All of my classes make me numb... But math class makes me number. +2294,2,The Energizer-Bunny was arrested recently... ...It was Charged with Battery. +2295,2,What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do? Pontius Pilates +2296,1,"Chase releases new feature option to have your balance text to you daily I just wish they didn't add ""lol"" at the end of it. " +2297,0,"I bought some new shoes today from my dealer. The only problem is I don't know what she laced them with, and have been tripping all day." +2298,0,Two brothers started a mattress company They called it the Bed Shop Boys +2299,8,"A Blonde gets caught speeding The cop is also a blonde. Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.” Driver: “What’s that?” Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.” Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop. Cop looks at it, hands it back and says, “I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”" +2300,3,Why can’t a blonde dial 911? She can’t find the 11. +2301,0,"My friend challenged me. If I can use the word ""afford"" two times in a sentence, he'll give me his Ford as a prize. I thanked him for the offer, cause I can't afford afford." +2302,3,"Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island. 1) Check spelling. 2) If correct, enjoy." +2303,4,What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus? He waits at the next station +2304,1,"We were so poor when I was a kid, my parents used to get my school clothes from the Army surplus shop. Nothing wrong with that you might think but do you realize how badly bullied you get going to school dressed as a Japanese sniper." +2305,0,Never try to trick an unemployed jester. They're nobody's fool. +2306,1,"I got in a fight with 2, 3, 5, and 7 I thought I had a chance but they were in their prime." +2307,0,The power supply to my house must be high Cause it's always tripping. +2308,0,"A motorway and a bike lane walk into a pub After a few drinks a couple of the other patrons start picking on the bike lane. Highway steps in and warns them 'You don't want to mess with him and get him angry, he's a cycle path.'" +2309,1,How could a leper afford a nice house? It cost an arm and a leg +2310,0,"Was watching 'The Wolf Of Wall Street' and dad came & sat beside me gazing at laptop screen, I switched the task to chrome.. ...probably the first and last time I ever searched for 'the benefits of spiritual meditation'" +2311,2,It just occurred to me why the Grim Reaper is so popular in myths and cultures throughout the world People are always dying to meet him +2312,1,"How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. They hold the lightbulb, and the whole world revolves around them. ^stolen ^from ^OITNB ^:)" +2313,2,"The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting... The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims, ""I have to admit, these bagels are really delicious! We don't have bagels like this in Germany."" ""Well,"" the intern replies, ""whose fault is that?""" +2314,0,/!\\Sad News everyone/!\\...Chuck Norris has died he died like 30 years ago but the grim reaper is just too afraid to let him know. +2315,0,What do you call 5 black people having sex? A 3-some (Disclaimer: I’m not racist I promise) +2316,2,I'm naming my new exercise regime 'Brexit'. It's the quickest way to lose pounds. +2317,1,"In the stock market today.... Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean." +2318,0,"a man put a hit on his wife... and another man named artie takes the job for five dollars later the next morning arties target walks into the supermarket and artie waits patiently for her to come out as she leaves the store artie wraps his hand around her neck and strangles her. while strangling her another man comes out and sees artie so artie strangles that man, and then another woman walks out of the supermarket and artie strangles her. artie is caught by the police after he kills his third victim, and artie admits he killed them for five dollars the next day the husband who put the hit on his wife picks up the paper to see the headline *artie chokes at the supermarket 3 for 5 dollars*" +2319,0,Dr. Dre decided to raise sheep. Introducing Bleats by Dre. +2320,4,"How you treat the wait staff on a first date Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months. So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress." +2321,2,Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume? He was trying to be a little less shellfish. +2322,1,Where did Sally go after the bombing? Everywhere. +2323,0,Yo momma so fat.. She jumped up into the sky and got stuck. +2324,0,What's brown and sticky montecito +2325,3,Au Say what you want about the joke but the title is gold +2326,6,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go hunting A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all went out camping and hunting together. After setting up camp the brunette left to go hunt. 24 hours later the brunette came back with a deer. The others were in awe of the brunette and asked, ""How did you do it?"" The brunette replied, ""Found tracks, followed tracks, shot the deer."" The next day the redhead went out and returned 48 hours later with a bear. The blonde and brunette were in complete awe and asked, ""How did you do it?"" The redhead replied, ""Found tracks, followed tracks, shot the bear."" The next day the blonde went out and returned three days later completely broken, bruised, and bloody. The brunette and redhead were shocked and horrified asking, ""What happened!?"" The blonde replied, ""Found tracks, followed tracks, got hit by a train.""" +2327,1,"Three little kids walk up to Miss Katherine’s front door “What do ya need?” Asked Katherine. “ We wanted to see if Little Timmy wanted to play baseball” said the boys. “How rude of you!” Katherine replied “You know that Timmy doesn’t have any arms or legs.” The kids replied “Yah we know, we need a first base.”" +2328,0,If you really want to destroy China just send all the metal drummers there! +2329,0,Why did the little Jewish boy drop his Icecream? Because of all the Zyklon-B +2330,4,"Did you know that when someone likes you, their voice goes higher when talking to you? That's probably why the girls I talk to sound like batman." +2331,0,What do you get if... What do you get if an immigrant and a rapist go at it. ​ Alien vs Preditor. +2332,3,"Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works. It's already turning black." +2333,0,What would the Kardashians wear to dismantle a billboard? De-signer clothes +2334,0,"What does your mother and sand have in common? She's coarse, she's rough, she's irritating, and she gets everywhere. Also, you can pound her." +2335,3,How do you tell the difference between decaf and regular? Decaf is faced backwards +2336,1,What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! (Taken from Monty python) +2337,0,When is a door not a door? When its ajar +2338,1,Why did the chicken cross the road Because you didn't cook it you bloody donkey +2339,0,"Two friends are out for a hike in the woods When suddenly they see a bear down the path looking right at them, eyes locked and ready to charge. The one friend gets on his knees and starts praying, while the other starts lacing up his shoes. The friend that's praying says ""What do you think you're doing? You know you can't outrun a bear"", to which the other friend replies ""You're right. But I don't need to outrun the bear. I only need to outrun you""" +2340,3,Nature is so resourceful It can make dew with just water +2341,0,Why can't Hellen Keller drive? BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN +2342,2,What’s the kind of bee that makes milk? A boobee. +2343,1,When a fire breaks out at a swingers convention It causes premature evacuation. +2344,1,Did you hear that Godzilla threw up? No? Really? It's all over town! +2345,0,A Charizard and Blastoise walk into a bar. They both show ID and are promptly seated. +2346,2,"What did the man at the beach say to Kevin Spacey? Hey, get out of my son!" +2347,1,I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks... No shit +2348,4,A girl asked me if I was a breast or thigh man and I said I was more into pussy and ass. I am now banned from KFC. +2349,2,"A truck driver was driving along on the freeway... A sign comes up that reads ""low bridge ahead."" Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ""Got stuck, huh?"" The truck driver says, ""No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas...""" +2350,5,"I'm dyslexic, but that doesn't define me. Dyslexics are teople poo." +2351,0,"Old man Nile was obsessed with lakes, oceans and rivers, he died contracting hydrocephalus. He had water on the brain" +2352,1,"Jesus is on the cross and... He shouts “Peter, Peter!” Peter hears him from 200m away and starts making his way through the crowd and soldiers. At 150m a Roman soldier slashes his right arm off but Peter keeps going determined saying “I am coming master!” Jesus shouts again “Peter, Peter!” Peter, now with one arm shouts “I am coming master!” and while at about 100m another Roman soldier chops his other arm off. But Peter keeps going. Jesus shouts once more “Peter, Peter!” Peter keeps going, shouts “I am coming master!” And guess what, two Roman soldiers at 50m chop both his legs off. Mortally wounded, Peter out of sheer faith and determination crawls towards the cross. “Peter, Peter!” Shouts Jesus. “Yes master! I am finally here!” Says Peter on the floor without any limbs. “I can see your house from here Peter!” Says Jesus. PS. This is one of the best worst jokes I have heard growing up and is direct translation from Greek. Delivery and language might suck, but it’s so bad it’s good for me. I got way worse if interested." +2353,0,>be 17 >miss [(For those who don't get it)](http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2012/4/4/1333548711318/Battleship-board-game-001.jpg) +2354,5,What happens when a duck bends over? You can see its butt quack. +2355,5,"A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, ""When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."" That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, ""Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.""" +2356,0,My friend invited me to go with him to New Delhi. I was pretty upset they didn't have any Pastrami. +2357,0,The Last Death of 2016 Ronda Rousey's career +2358,0,"How old couples ask for sex ""Wanna do it?"" ""Didn't we just do it?"" ""Do what?" +2359,1,Joined a new reggae band playing triangle I just stand at the back and ting +2360,5,How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplow? Give her a shovel +2361,1,Can you name the villain from The Jungle Book? ...because I Shere Khan! +2362,1,What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods. +2363,0,"my wife made this joke in response to Wonder Bra Joke I told my wife the joke ""... its called a wonder bra because you wonder when her bras come off"" and she tells me that is so mean. She also tells me, ""do you know why girls keep giving blowjobs? its because they're so disappointed. So disappointed because it just can't be that small.""" +2364,1,If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have Type II Diabetes +2365,0,Apple and Kia have teamed up to create an amazing vehicle. Introducing the all new 2019 Apple iKia. With seats made from Ikea furniture. +2366,0,"Two tomatoes were crossing a road.... Two tomatoes were crossing a road when one of them suddenly got run over by a truck. Then the other tomato said: come on ketchup, lets go." +2367,0,"A guy orders a pizza He asks ""How long will the pizza be?"" The waiter replies ""About 12 inches.""" +2368,0,The only thing salarymen and birds have in common is that we both have bills +2369,2,I wanted to reserve a copy of a new novel coming out But they were all booked +2370,2,"Who was the first biker? ​ Moses... ""...and the roar of his Triumph was heard all over the land..."" " +2371,1,What's the Turkish cannibals favorite meal? Organ Doner +2372,0,"One night, a wilderness explorer came across a magic river where the fish would jump out the water and greeting him in English. He would later describe the night as Salmon chanted Evening" +2373,1,"A successful contractor talks to his mother after some economic hardships. He had originally made his fortune off of luxury countertops, rising to the top of the interior furnishing industry. However, after chasing profits, he began to use inferior materials for his countertops, lost sales, and then lost everything. Desperate, he moved into his mom's house, and asked her for advice. ""Mom, what do I do now?"" ""Well, for one thing, you shouldn't have taken everything for granite.""" +2374,0,A pair of fake breasts started making ridiculous prophecies.... It turned out to be a silicon. +2375,0,Why do crackheads do it doggystyle? So they can both look out the window +2376,0,"Angry shoe salesman I was in a shoe store but couldn't find any shoes I liked. Wandering through the supply a yellow Pokemon crawled up to me and shouted ""Pick a SHOE!!!""" +2377,5,"A roadside stand has a sign that says ""PEACHES $5"". A roadside stand has a sign that says ""PEACHES $5"". A man thinks, ""There must be something special about these peaches, I'll check it out."" So the man pulls over and says to the one guy standing there. ""Hi, I was wondering why these peaches are so expensive. Is there something special about them?"" ""They taste like anything you want,"" says the worker. ""Do you have one that tastes like strawberries and cream?"" the man asks. The worker hands him a peach and the man takes a bite. ""Hey! This only tastes like cream,"" the man says. ""Flip it over,"" says the worker. The man flips it over and has a mouthful of strawberry taste. ""Wow, that's amazing!"" He says. ""What else do you have?"" ""We have any flavor,"" the worker tells him. ""Steak and Potatoes?"" The man asks. The worker hands him a peach and he takes a bite. ""What the hell? I only taste potatoes!"" The man says. So the worker tells him, ""Flip it over!"" The man flips it over and takes a bite. The man then says, ""I know one flavor you definitely don't have."" ""What's that?"" Says the worker. ""Pussy"" the man replies with a smug grin. He hands the man a peach and the man takes a bite. ""This tastes like shit!"" The man says. ""Flip it over.""" +2378,0,Why is it great to work in a Jewish bakery? Because every Friday is a challah-day! +2379,2,I am dating this half korean chick I am dating this half korean chick Her mom is korean And her dad is korean But her legs got ripped of in a car accident +2380,6,"I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table." +2381,3,What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird. +2382,0,I wasn't seeing the results I wanted from the gym So I started going to British casinos instead. I'm only two weeks in and I already lost 40 pounds! +2383,2,"One man’s trash is another man’s treasure Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted." +2384,1,"What's the name you use when you put your internet router on your bathroom? An IP address. (Whether or not you like it, or whether or not you believe in what I'm about to say, I came up with this like 10 minutes ago and my girlfriend is still laying in bed screaming into a pillow)" +2385,4,Why are all gender equality officers female? Because it's cheaper. +2386,2,"A man asks a priest for God's help with his hearing...... 'Of course! I'll give you God's blessing my child!', exclaims the priest. He puts his hands on the man's ears and gives him God's blessing. 'Is your hearing ok now?', asks the priest. 'Beats me.', says the man, 'It's not on until next week.' " +2387,2,You ever let out a huge sigh of relieve when getting test results back? Only a phew will understand. +2388,2,"A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy ""What's wrong John?"" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips. John says, ""It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."" The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand on his hip. ""Hmmm. Well,I've never had a problem with the ladies. In the years of my happy marriage, distance has always made the heart grow fonder."" John looks at the bartender with a spark in his eye. Without saying a word, he rushes home to his wife. There, she is reading a book in the bedroom, when John bolts in, posing just as the bartender was: legs apart, with his hands on his hips. In a felt swoop, he rips the clothes off his wife and proceeds to make love to her through the night. After what seems like hours, she turns to John. Still trying to catch her breath, she asks him what changed. John gets up, stands with his legs apart and puts his hands on his hips. ""It's this stance"", he says. ""What about this stance, John?"". He lifts one hand and starts stroking his chin, legs apart and with one hand on his hip. _""This stance makes the heart grow fonder.""_" +2389,0,Why was Hans the thief not happy being in the party full of paladins? They kept casting lay on Hans. +2390,1,I dropped the class on writing jokes after the lesson on setups The professor was so old +2391,3,"Me: Rubs the lamp trelease the geniel Genie: i shall grant you three wishes Me: i wish for a world without lawyers Genie: done, you have no more wishes Me: but you said three Genie: sue me" +2392,1,The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the World... For being the only Chinese product to last. +2393,0,What does the Quran and weed have in common? You burn them and you get stoned. +2394,0,"I tried to make a joke about carpentry .. But, I failed on every level." +2395,0,I heard Chris Brown was starting a new radio station... It will be nothing but hit after hit. +2396,2,"What's big, brown and in a girl's panties? Billy Cosby's hand." +2397,2,I recently sold my house. I got a great price for it. My landlord was pretty pissed though. +2398,1,"Proof that Santa doesn’t exists There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at least one nice child in each home. Because of the different time zones and rotation of the earth, Santa Claus has about 3.5 hours to work, assuming he travels westward, which makes the most sense. He thus visits 967.7 homes per second. This means that for every Christian home with at least one nice child, Santa has about 1/1000 s to park the sledge, run out and jump down the chimney, divide Christmas presents, say Ho HonHo, eat the porrigde, up through the chimney again, in the sledge and off to the next house. If we assume that all homes to be visited are evenly distributed, it is approximately 1km between each house on average. The area thus travels about 100km, vists to bathroom and other breaks are not included. In other words, the sledge of the plot flies approximately 1000 km per second.. As in comparison, it is mentioned that the fastest craft man so far created, the Ulysseus spacecraft, travels about 50 km per second. As an anecdote, we can mention that the normal reindeer can come up at a speed of about 30 km per hour. The load in the sled is another interesting object. If we assume that each child receives presents corresponding to 1 kg, the sledge has a load of 500,000 tonnes, the weight of Santa is not included. On land, a normal reindeer can carry about 200 kg. Even if we assume that the special flying reindeer can draw a weight ten times this, the sled will not come out of the spot unless the plot provides approximately 360,000 reluctant reindeers. This will give the sledge a total weight of approximately 600,000 tonnes. 600,000 tons, flying at 1,000km per second, produce enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeers, much like a meteorite that enters the earth's atmosphere. The two leader reindeers will then absorb an energy equivalent to 14 300 trillion Joule per sec, or 14 300 trillion watt. The leader rails will simply burn up immediately and the back will be exposed to a bang when the air barrier breaks and then burn themselves up. All the reindeers will meet their ancestors in less than 4.26 million seconds, i e when the plot reaches its fifth house. However, this is hypothetical, because when the sleigh accelerates from 0 to 1000 km / s in 1/1000 seconds, all of the sleigh will be exposed to a G-force 17500 times greater than gravity. If Santa weighs approximately 150 kg (weight estimated according to existing copies) he will be stuck in the back of the sled, corresponding to a weight of approximately 3 million kg, which would immediately crush each leg in his body and turn him into a wet spot. The conclusion should be that if the damn Santa ever lived, he is definitely dead now. Edit: Correction for speed of light. " +2399,1,Why was the African man wearing a wristwatch? He needed to hold up his pants. +2400,4,"Long. A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said, ""Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on"" She told him, ""You are one hole behind me, I'm on 7 and you are on 6"" He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again, ""I'm sorry to bother you but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?"" She told him ""You are one hole behind me, I'm on 14 and you are on 13"" Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. ""I'm in sales"" He replied ""No kidding so am I, what do you sell?"" She said It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she""d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, ""I sell tampons"" The bloke immediately fell to the floor laughing his socks off. She said, ""You promised you wouldn't laugh!"" He replied, ""I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it... I sell toilet paper, I""m still one hole behind you""!!!" +2401,1,Three Nuns Walked Into A Bar The fourth one ducked. +2402,1,"What do a charity for sick kids, and a masturbating priest have in common? They both use the tagline 'think of the children'." +2403,1,Why did the ship drift off. It's anchor was aweigh +2404,2,"My boss just texted me: ""Send me one of your funny jokes!"" I texted him back: ""I'm busy working. I'll send one later."" ""That's hilarious,"" he said. ""Send another one!""" +2405,0,"How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, if they could fit." +2406,0,"A man made a cloning machine He wanted all clones to have different names. The first clone was named me because he couldn’t think of a name. For the following clones, he added an s behind the previous clone as he still couldn’t think of decent names, and so on. Everything the third clone has is untidy and he is very unorganised." +2407,7,"An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him ""Harry, your balls are so hot!"" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him "" Antoine, you balls are so hot!"". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: ""Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?""" +2408,3,"A husband walks in and finds his wife watching a cooking show He asked “Why do you watch all these cooking shows? It doesn’t seem to have improved your cooking at all!” The wife turns and looks at her husband and answered “I thought the same thing about you watching porn.""" +2409,0,I didn't know if I had bought the right matress So I slept on it +2410,1,I like my women like I like my calzones Somewhat crusty on the outer part and really gooey and cheesy on the inner part. +2411,0,"An Irish man, a British man and an American man walk into a bar They all order a drink. A fly drops into each of their drinks. The British man asks for another one. The American asks for another drink too. The Irish man picks up the fly and starts screaming at it; ""Spit it out!""" +2412,1,My wife hates that I had more sexual partners before we got married. But she's making up for it now. +2413,2,"I saw a guy walking down the street carrying a long stick..... I said ""are you a pole vaulter?"" He said ""no, I'm German... but how did you know my name?""" +2414,2,"God said to Adam For an arm, leg and one of your balls... I’ll give you a beautiful woman who never complains, never cheats and always lets you put it in her butt ADAM: idk god, that’s all lot to give up, what can I get for a rib?" +2415,10,"A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.” A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”" +2416,1,Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. +2417,3,I saw a sign that said “falling rocks” so I tried and it doesn’t. +2418,0,How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election? She was Trumped. +2419,0,I made a new joke. I made a new word. Plagiarism. +2420,1,Did you hear about the guy who could see a week into the future? He's got 2020 vision! +2421,7,How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Attractive. +2422,5,How do you find a velociraptor Divide a distanceraptor by a timeraptor +2423,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! +2424,0,"Maritime apprentice meets with his captain for an induction. While the apprentice is being shown around the ship and is enjoying his induction, he has a concern about spending months at sea at a time in the back of his mind. Once the induction is complete and the tour of the ship is over, the captain asks the young man if he has any questions. ""Just one sir"" the apprentice replies, "" Forgive my abruptness, but I'm still a young man with a high libido. We'll be away for months at a time and we all share the same quarters, what can i do to relieve myself sir?"". The old captain smiles and nods in understanding asks the young man "" well do you remember the lone barrel i pointed out to you below deck?"", the apprentice nods looking confused, "" Well, when you need to, you just stick it in there any time on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday and your problems are solved."" The young man then replies "" Thank you sir, I don't know how it'll help but that's a load off of my mind. And what about Thursday sir?"" The captain then says "" Well, Thursday's your turn in the barrel ""." +2425,2,"George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie.. Clooney says, “I’ll direct.” DiCaprio says, “I’ll produce.” McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”" +2426,0,"I was driving with my friend, when he told me that the bridge was out ahead. I was certain that he way lying. And I fell for it." +2427,1,Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard All those involved deserve some props +2428,5,"The Six Lessons of Life **Lesson 1:** A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,… “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” *Moral of the story:* If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. **Lesson 2:** A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” *Moral of the story:* Always let your boss have the first say **Lesson 3:** A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” *Moral of the story:* If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity **Lesson 4** A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. *Moral of the story:* To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up **Lesson 5:** Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. *Moral of the story:* Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there **Lesson 6** A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. *Moral of the story:* 1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!" +2429,2,"My friend said ""Rest in Rip"" to me earlier It was complete overkill" +2430,7,Someone broke into my apartment last night and stole my limbo stick. How low can you go? +2431,2,"Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking, I’m 100% behind you." +2432,0,"Last night i met a girl and i think i found the one! She funny, she sexy and she smart... She charges $500/hr for the GFE" +2433,3,School is like a penis It's long and hard unless you're Asian +2434,7,"Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit" +2435,0,Ever hear about the elderly painter? His hair turned fifty shades of grey +2436,0,Did you hear about the secret agent that broke his back on a tiny bed? He got cot spine. +2437,0,How do you get high on a boat? Seaweed. +2438,2,When you rearrange the letters of postmen They become very angry +2439,4,"An atheist is walking through the woods and he is suddenly set upon by a bear. He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out ""Oh God, help!"" And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: ""**YES?**"" The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: ""Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"" ""**YES, I COULD DO THAT**"" And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together. ""What are you doing?"" asks the atheist. ""Praying over my dinner."" " +2440,2,"A friend showed me a funny steak pun the other day. I must say, steak puns are truly a rare medium well done." +2441,4,"Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes." +2442,5,"What did one orphan say to the other? Robin, get in the batmobile!" +2443,0,what is worse than your joke you're joke +2444,5,"Two economists walk down a road... Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks “is that a twenty dollar bill?” Then the other one answers “It can’t be, because someone would have picked it up already,” and they keep walking." +2445,0,What does dog spell backwards? Speedwagon +2446,1,"[NSFW] What is long, thick and hard and has cum in it? A cu-cum-ber" +2447,0,"Lets play Dead or Human HOW TO TELL YOUR ROOMMATE YOU ACCIDENTALLY KILLED THEIR CAT Roommate 1: Lets play Dead or Human. Roommate 2: OK. Roommate 1: Me? Roommate 2: ...huh, human. Roommate 1: You? Roommate 2: Human. Roommate 1: Your cat?" +2448,3,Height of internet addiction At a funeral in church A visitor: What's the Wi-Fi password here ? Priest: Respect the dead. Visitor: all small letters? +2449,0,"What's black, white, and red all over? A dead, bleeding panda." +2450,0,Why is the German writer always starving? Because he is paid by the word. +2451,4,"You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad... It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby." +2452,0,"Scientists have identified a new venereal disease They call it G.A.S.H., it has the symptoms of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes all at once. So far the only treatment they've come up with is to keep the patient isolated and feed them a diet of pancakes and flounder. It's not very nutritious but it's all they can slide under the door. " +2453,7,My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding. She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again. +2454,4,"I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands ""Two of each hand please."" I say to the man at the counter. ""We're all out of left hands sir."" He responds. ""All right then.""" +2455,4,A group of children are sitting in a circle around the teacher Teacher: it’s time for Sex Ed Ed: what the fuck +2456,2,There's a new movement against cutting in line. Now that's a movement I can get behind! +2457,0,Everyone. Look at this pickle. It's kind of a big dill. +2458,0,Blind gay guy is about make an exit. His friends say... Can you see yourself out? +2459,1,I was having a conversation with my dad about Blade Runner “Have you seen the new Blade Runner movie yet? I was gonna get tickets this weekend” “Yeah I’ve already seen it” “What is it about” “About two hours” +2460,0,"I've seen worse A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. ""Nurse,"" he mumbles from behind the mask, ""Are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."" He struggles again to ask, ""Nurse, Are my testicles black?"" Again the nurse replies, ""I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."" The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. ""Nurse,"" he mumbles, ""Are my testicles black?"" Being a nurse she thinks ""I've seen worse"" and is therefore undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, ""Nothing is wrong with them."" At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, ""Are my test results back?"" " +2461,1,What did the computer programmer name his son? Cody. (pretty sure I just made this up :) ) +2462,1,I forgot how to throw a boomerang Then it came back to me. +2463,0,"Two cannibals have a conversation Cannibal 1: ¨So I was eating my wife yesterday, but I had to stop halfway through. ¨ Cannibal 2: ¨Why'd you have to stop?¨ Cannibal 1: ¨She started urinating in my eye.¨" +2464,5,There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes' +2465,0,Why are there no suicide books on librarys? because those who take them never bring them back. +2466,0,The other day I came across the most vicious animal in existence. How I survived? I gave the chihuahua a treat and it went away. +2467,3,"Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank. Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, ""I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....? Jim-bob answers, ""Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."" The host says, ""You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word."" ""Ok Bubba, now your turn"", says the Quiz master, ""Old MacDonald had a ...?"" Bubba answers, ""Pig and I spell it P-I-G."" The host grimaces, ""Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."" ""Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a …?"" Hank yells out ""Farm!"" The TV host gets excited and says, ""Excellent Hank, now please spell it."" Hank answers - ""E-I-E-I-O""" +2468,0,I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body Then I was born. +2469,1,What does a lesbian put on her clothes to keep men away? Deter gents. +2470,0,Played rounders with a guy that abused fat kids. He was a big hitter. +2471,0,What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!! +2472,2,"Heard this from a coworker Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Blue all live on the same street. Each morning, Mr. Red wakes up in his red room, in his red house, pulls the red covers off of his bed, puts on his red robe, opens his red door, goes down his red stairs to his red kitchen and gets his red bowl, red spoon, sits down at his red table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal. Each morning, Mr. Green wakes up in his green room, in his green house, pulls the green covers off of his bed, puts on his green robe, opens his green door, goes down his green stairs to his green kitchen and gets his green bowl, green spoon, sits down at his green table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal. Each morning, Mr. Yellow wakes up in his yellow room, in his yellow house, pulls the yellow covers off of his bed, puts on his yellow robe, opens his yellow door, goes down his yellow stairs to his yellow kitchen and gets his yellow bowl, yellow spoon, sits down at his yellow table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal. Each morning, Mr. Orange wakes up in his orange room, in his orange house, pulls the orange covers off of his bed, puts on his orange robe, opens his orange door, goes down his orange stairs to his orange kitchen and gets his orange bowl, orange spoon, sits down at his orange table and pours himself a bowl of Life cereal. Each morning, Mr. Blue wakes up in his blue room, in his blue house, pulls the blue covers off of his bed, puts on his blue robe, opens his blue door, goes down his blue stairs to his blue kitchen and gets his blue bowl, blue spoon, sits down at his blue table and pours himself a bowl of Frosted Flakes cereal. Which just goes to show; four out of five people prefer Life cereal. ​" +2473,0,Americas new favourite sweet Terry's chocolate orange +2474,2,I bet if you touch your toes in the shower... ...it would sound like some asshole drowning. +2475,4,"Girlfriend's first football game. A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied. “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like … Hello? It’s only 25 cents!”" +2476,1,What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month. +2477,6,"I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”" +2478,1,Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway. Motorists are reported to be in a pickle. +2479,2,What do you call a person who designs dog houses A barkitecht +2480,1,What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. +2481,0,"Smoking marijuana legalized in Georgia In the country, not the state" +2482,3,A knock knock joke to change the world Knock Knock. Who's there? I use yah. I use yah who? Really? Why? Google is way better. +2483,0,What's the worst kind of incompetent? Leader. +2484,2,A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians. Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me. +2485,1,A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party. Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?” +2486,1,"Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing. I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year." +2487,0,What kind of bird opens doors? A keywi. +2488,0,A man walks into a bar... and hits his head pretty hard. +2489,0,Why do comedians hate allergies? Because they always get pun-ny noses... +2490,4,When the shovel was invented... It was a groundbreaking piece of technology. +2491,0,"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? ""384 my liege"" ""Ok, round them up"" ""400 my liege""" +2492,0,Jesus saves! Passes back to Moses and Moses is OFF TO THE RACES ... he shoots ... HE SCOOOOOOOOORES! And the crowd goes absolutely wild! +2493,3,"A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms. " +2494,2,What do you call a black jew? Overcooked +2495,1,"Blond calls IT IT guy shows up and asks for her password. She says ""New York Atlanta Washington Sacramento Madison Goofy"" It guy fixes her computer, then asks her "" Why the long password? She says it was your rule five capitols and a character " +2496,0,g-spot memory loss I just can't put my finger on it... ed:(I just made this up so it probably sucks but wtf) +2497,2,What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre +2498,0,I see a lot of signs in my neighborhood. I see everyone seems to be extra festive in decorating for Halloween..... +2499,0,Your stuck uncle So you are on a safari with your father James and your uncle jack. You all decide to go elephant riding and you hire three elephants and a guide for the day. After you let the elephants eat and drink you ride them back to the tour center but jack is tired and get stuck on the elephant. Your father asks if you can aid jack down. So really the question is... Would you help your uncle jack off an elephant? +2500,2,A comedian walks to the stage Comedian: let's do a white racist joke Us whites like the same things We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and- Audience: JELLY! Comedian: we like the same chips. Salt and vi- Audience: NEGAR Edit: forgot the comedian's name. I saw this joke in a gif +2501,0,"I asked my Turkish friend how they say ""Armenian Genocide in his language He had no words" +2502,5,"A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar. The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight. 'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.' A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat him up. 'Listen, he's a fucking disabled parking space. No problem.' Shortly after, a green piece of tarmac enters the bar, and once again the bartender asks if the black piece is tougher. 'Oi, keep your bloody voice down! I'm not messing with that guy, he's a fucking cycle path!'" +2503,2,What did the communist say to his co-worker? Quit Stalin and start Lenin me a hand +2504,2,"What's the difference between a woman and a hand? One of them can cook, clean and give you an unrivaled sexual release. The other's a woman." +2505,1,What kind of animal has a dick on its back? A police horse +2506,5,my parents met on reddit im the joke +2507,0,I'd like to give a shout out to my toilet For putting up with all my shit over the years. +2508,0,Why did the Muslim kill his daughter? Because he found out about her harambae +2509,2,"What do you call an oscillating dam? Damn, that rocks." +2510,2,I really don't want communism It's a big red flag for me. +2511,0,Got sunburnt today... From my computer monitor. +2512,0,"My Friend Phillip Backstory: So my old mate Phillip from high school was (and still is) extremely allergic to bees. He's actually allergic to a lot of things, like mangos, and coconut (I don't fucking know why). But bees are like his biggest allergy. So a few days ago, him and his girlfriend went to the park for a date or something, buys food and stuff that people do on a date. They're sitting on the bench when a few bees start flying over and apparently two of them stung him on his upper lips. The dumbfuck didn't He didn't havehis epipen thingy at the time so the ambulance had to be called, but by then it was like ""severely infected"" or something. Anyways, today he had to get his lip surgically removed. We just call him Phil now." +2513,0,"What do you call a canine cardiologist? A ""dogter""" +2514,0,I hate people who throw parties on boats Those damn ship hosters +2515,3,Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences? Because there's a lot of reposting to do. +2516,2,"Mamma always said, ""Reddit is like a box of chocolates."" You never know what you're gonna get, but it will be the same few chocolates every time.""" +2517,0,What did the police say to the guy hiding in the bathroom? Come out with your pants up! +2518,0,What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts is an area where socio-economically disadvantaged Americans live in and ohms are what limey bastards live in! +2519,0,Did you know that only 1 in 5 male bullfrogs survive after mating? And the last one was never the same. +2520,2,How do you get rid of itch? Start from scratch. +2521,0,Why do police in the US carry a tazer and pepper spray? In case they run out of bullets. +2522,5,"Pirate :""I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!"" The doctor takes a quick look and responds:""It's okay, they're benign."" Pirate:""Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!""" +2523,1,"The boss is hosting a costume party for Halloween We see all the usual costumes, that you buy at the store, and even a few homemade ones, but I noticed that the intern was only wearing a pair of jeans. We’re all trying to figure out what his costume is, a shitty hulk? That Kylo Ren meme? Nobody knows, until one person walks up to him and asks: “You know, we’ve been discussing your costume for the past fifteen minutes and we just can’t tell what you are, as you just came in your pants” “Well that’s exactly it, I just came in my pants, I’m a premature ejaculation”" +2524,0,Why is Eric Clapton a Mac user? He had a bad experience with windows. +2525,2,What's the most sportiest number? Ten is +2526,6,"An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway. Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed. The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph? The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower than the speed limit. She responds I was going the exact speed limit 22 MPH. He laughs and says the that was the route number and not the speed limit. The women smiled out of embarrassment and thanked the officer. Just before the officer walked off he asked if everyone is ok in the car. The women responds, “They will be in a minute. We just got off route 119.”" +2527,1,I work in an elevator. It has its ups and downs. +2528,4,Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission? It was a Riposte. +2529,0,I had sex with a can of Coke. The doctor told me that I had contracted... ...Genital Burpies. +2530,2,I managed to get my dick into the Guinness book of world records... But then they kicked me out of the library and threatened to call the police next time I showed face there ever again. +2531,2,What kind of bee's make milk? BOObees! +2532,3,My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed. After 2 minutes all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence +2533,1,What do you call someone who doesn’t like people without feet? Lack toes intolerant. +2534,1,What do you call a pile of gay men? A heyyy-stack +2535,1,Why do gay men prefer ribbed condoms? More traction in the mud +2536,5,Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel. There’s no ballroom. +2537,0,What currency do you pay with when the weather is uncertain? With the Rainmaybe! +2538,0,I like my women how I like my whiskey. Aged 12 years +2539,0,The song is called “Ice Ice Baby” Because ice is the only state in which water breaks. +2540,2,"Bloody Foreigner, coming over here Wanting to know what love is" +2541,10,"I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”" +2542,4,My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line. I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants. +2543,1,My wife used to smoke in bed... Then we used lube +2544,0,A man walks into a bar... Ouch +2545,1,What Do Two Orphans Say To one Another? Get in The Batmobile Robin +2546,0,"People with chronic fatigue syndrome, It's all ME ME ME ME ME" +2547,1,What's it called when one of your parents is browsing on their phone? The Elder Scrolls +2548,3,"A church had their AC stolen The next day there was a note on the church doors reading: ""Dear thief! Keep the AC you stole, where you'll be going you'll need it""" +2549,0,My mechanic Said my seals were going out “Do you think they go clubbing?” +2550,0,How do you fix a broken gorilla? With a monkey wrench! +2551,4,"Hey mom, why don't we have any food in the fridge? ""Look down, can you see your feet?"" ""No?"" ""That's why, you fat ass."" ""Mom, you're just jealous of my bigger boobs."" ""You're not supposed to have bigger boobs than me, Eric.""" +2552,1,"A young blonde woman A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''" +2553,4,Got fired from my job as a security guard. I had to escort myself out of the building. +2554,2,What do you get when you cross alcohol with literature? Tequila Mockingbird. +2555,6,"One day left. My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said "" I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life."" ​ His funeral is this Saturday." +2556,3,What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico? A loco-motive. +2557,1,Did you hear of Trump's new cabinet position for border security? The Secretary of De Fence. +2558,0,"A Conservative and A Racist Walks Into a Bar ""Welcome President Trump"" says The Bartender" +2559,1,Why doesn't a joke you already know make you laugh? Because you've already reddit +2560,6,Why are there no pharmacies in Africa? You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach. +2561,3,"Two rabbis would go fishing regularly... One day they decided to invite a priest that they had known for a long time. They reach their fishing hike and go out in their boat. One rabbi says: ""hang on I forgot my lures,"" and he walks back to the shore for them. The priest stares wide eyed as the rabbi walks back over the water. Some time later the other rabbi announces that he is thirsty and goes back walking over the water to get some soda. The priest is now really miffed. ""If they can do it so can I,""and he steps outside the boat and promptly goes under. The rabbis pull him into the boat and one of them asks the other: ""should we tell him where the rocks are?""" +2562,3,My wife is so bad at sex that she failed it Her ID says Sex: F +2563,1,"Damnit Oscar! So a man is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time and is incredibly nervous. He arrives just before dinner and is sitting in the living room with the father and their dog Oscar while the girlfriend and mother are preparing the meal. Being nervous, the mans stomach is turning and he accidentally lets out a small fart, to which the dad says ""Oscar!"" And the man thinks to himself, ""that was a close one but atleast he thought it was the dog"". A few more moments of awkward silence and the man darts again, and the father calls the dogs name again, ""Oscar!!"". The man feels like hes dodged yet another bullet and tries to push his luck and try and squeeze out one more before dinner is served. Hoping it would be a silent and or quiet one he goes for it, but it definitely was not. The dad than yells, ""Damnit Oscar, get over here before that man shits on you!!""" +2564,6,"ITALIAN ARITHMETIC An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.' The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' ' Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.' The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start? " +2565,1,"Met this girl on tinder She told me she's into getting cut, demeaned and she's also into food. I told her I have a cheese grater waiting for my dirty little Munster *Spelling " +2566,0,"Two atoms were walking down the street The first atom says, ""shit, I think I lost an electron."" the second atom responds, ""wait, are your sure?"" the first atom replies, ""yeah... I'm positive."" " +2567,0,What do you call an Asian male with no penis? An Asian porn star +2568,3,"Success means different things at different times of life At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success means having friends. At age 17, success means having a driver's license. At age 25, success means having sex. At age 35, success means having money. At age 45, success means having money. At age 55, success means having sex. At age 65, success means having a driver's license. At age 75, success means having friends. At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants." +2569,0,"I ripped ass, quickly inhaled my own fart so no one smells it. Justin Case." +2570,1,My friend Patrick left the country and changed his name He is now an expat +2571,1,"One Soviet citizen asks another... One Soviet citizen asks another, ""Where does Ivan Ivanovich live?"" He replies, ""If you mean that Ivan Ivanovich who used to live across the street from the prison, and whose relatives visited from the West, he now lives across the street from his house.""" +2572,3,"Doctor: ""Do you suffer from premature ejaculation?"" Patient: ""No. I enjoy it.""" +2573,3,What did Pingu say to a girl he met on Tinder Send noots. +2574,5,I've always been terrified of elevators. I think it's time I took steps to avoid them. +2575,0,Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights. +2576,2,What do you call a gay bar without any bar stools? A Fruit Stand +2577,5,"A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, ""When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife’s neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, ""Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"" The wife said, "" Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions.""" +2578,1,What's the best part of being an above knee amputee? 50% off lap dances. +2579,3,Wanna play a game? >!Peek-A-Boo!< +2580,0,"A distinguished lady from the upper class goes to the gynecologist with her daughter. After the consultation she tells the doctor: ""I'd like to know if my daughter's flower has been touched"". ""Not only that"" , the doctor replies, "" but the whole vase is shattered!""" +2581,2,Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year. Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton! +2582,0,This dumb hooker was getting out of my car asking me why I gave her the money in a ziploc bag. And then it hit her. +2583,2,What do you call a man with his arm up a horses butt? An Amish mechanic. +2584,2,What do you do if you see a spaceman? You park in it man. +2585,3,What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle +2586,0,Why is a picture of Epstein exactly like Epstein himself? The picture didn't hang itself either. +2587,0,Geologists make ground breaking discoveries everyday. Get it? Haha +2588,0,"Did you hear about the farmer that lost his cow? Yeah, when he found it the next morning he said ""good mooing.""" +2589,4,I’ve just had to take my son’s shitty diaper off. I’m not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place. +2590,1,"Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum. Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum... A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops ' WHACK...she spanks him He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops' " +2591,8,"Having gay parents must be horrible ... ... you either get twice as much of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of ""go ask your mom""" +2592,0,What do you call a person who works at a drug store? A drug dealer +2593,1,What does a stoned guy say to the bus driver after the bus driver says hi to him? Yup! +2594,1,"A horse walks into a bar... ""Why the long face?"" asks the bartender... The horse replies, ""I've just realized I'm a metaphysical concept residing within a fictional narrative, and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence.”" +2595,5,"A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it? A surname." +2596,1,"On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy. It was a real rash decision. " +2597,0,"My cousin told me that she was pregnant, and i was the father. I responded “unusual boast, but acceptable” " +2598,5,If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all? +2599,3,Do you know why Elton John plays the piano? Because he sucks on the organ +2600,6,"As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it... The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, ""Is that poop in your hand?!""" +2601,6,Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel? They say his invention was groundbreaking +2602,2,"A Nazi enters a bank in Switzerland A Nazi enters a bank in Switzerland with some money illegaly earned he has to deposit. Then he silently walks towards the banker and whispers ""I have to deposite, ehm... 2 milion..."". ""It's all OK - says the banker smiling - here in Switzerland to be poor isn't a shame""." +2603,2,Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter Solid matter Liquid matter Gas matter and most recently... Black Lives matter +2604,2,"I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully and in my sleep. Not like the screaming passengers in his car." +2605,0,Trump supporters are much more likely to survive a zombie apocalypse Because zombies only go after people with brains. +2606,0,How do you greet a farmer? Hey +2607,6,"A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store... -I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$. " +2608,0,The best sex defense Is a good sex offence +2609,1,What do Canadian Jawas eat? Poutini! +2610,7,"When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”" +2611,0,What do you call a Mexican without a car? Carlos +2612,0,What do you call a cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese +2613,3,"A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths... The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way. This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, ""let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will we know that theirs is the true faith. "" After thinking about it, the other two agreed. They found a cliff and the Muslim went first. As he jumped, he shouted ""Aaaaaaalllllllaaaaaa...."" SPLAT! Both were shocked but not surprised. They said their prayers for the Muslim and continued. The Buddhist went next and as he jumped he chanted ""Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha..."" And miraculously, just before hitting the ground, he floated back up to safety. Giving a smile to the Christian, he gestured to the cliff for his turn. The Christian was unperturbed. Taking a few minutes to compose himself, he then took his leap of faith: ""Jeeeeeesssssuuuussss.... Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha.""" +2614,1,How does a flower get pollinated? Beez Nuts! +2615,1,What did Canada say to the rest of the world?? .....we are higher than all of you!!! +2616,0,How did they know the panda robbed the diner? Because a panda eats shoots and leaves +2617,5,Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit +2618,1,What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair +2619,3,If Watson isn't the most famous Doctor - - then Who is. +2620,2,"Psychology Definitions.... * A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand. * The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. * A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion. * A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. * A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too. * A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself. * Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep. * A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist. * The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obsessed with its own motherboard. * Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had. * Lysdexia is a peech imspediment we live to learn with. * A lottery is a tax on people who don't know statistics. " +2621,0,Have you ever eaten ethiopian food? No? Them neither +2622,1,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom...? Because the P is silent, but also because it's extinct. That's why." +2623,3,What do you call a cardboard belt? A waist of paper. +2624,0,A teacher asked a student to write......... A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! +2625,1,A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'why the long face?' The horse said 'my wife has terminal cancer' +2626,3,What do Donald Trump and Pokemon have in common? The only thing they can say are their name and random bullsh**. +2627,0,Happy New Year 2016! Have I mentioned Internet Explorer is a great browser? +2628,2,"A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind... I think they're right, I see no progress." +2629,2,What's so cool about the nitrous/ethanol powered rocket? You can continue to get higher even when the engine is turned off. +2630,3,"Triplets A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she was walking to the market and a man came out of no where and shot her thrice. She was rushed to the hospital and somehow she survived. Her delivery date came and she gave birth to 2 daughters and 1 son. 18 years later : The mother was in the garden when her eldest daughter comes to her. Daughter 1 : Mother mother, guess what happened? Mother : What happened? Daughter 1 : I was peeing and I peed a bullet. Mother tells her the story of how she got shot. The next day - The other daughter goes to the mother. Daughter 2 : Mother mother, guess what happened? Mother : What happened? Daughter 2 : I was peeing and I peed a bullet. Mother tells her also the story. The next day - The son goes to the mother. Son : Mother mother, guess what happened? Mother : Let me guess, you were peeing and you peed a bullet? Son : No. I was masturbating and I shot the dog." +2631,7,I'd like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of 'many' it really means a lot +2632,3,I hate seeing people I know on Tinder My girlfriend has some explaining to do... +2633,0,I just fired my liquid measurement calibration manager He had really poor litership skills. +2634,7,"My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never... ...playing Scrabble with me again." +2635,0,Why do black people hate washing clothes with bleach? Because WHITES ONLY +2636,2,So my doctor just cut my butt in half. I guess he... Half-ASSED it. +2637,2,I make a mean lasagne. It's quite average +2638,1,What do you call it when one guy demands that another guy go to the movies and give him a hand job? A mandate +2639,1,Why don't they listen to Miles Davis in Europe? Because they listen to Kilometres Davis instead. +2640,3,"A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him. For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen. He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel. He says incredulously, ""What do you mean, describe the camel? It looks like a camel!"" The sergeant then asks if the camel is male or female. The man replies, ""How should I know? Do I look like a camel expert?"" He pauses a moment, then says, ""Wait, I'm sure that it's a male."" The sergeant wonders, ""How can you suddenly be so sure?"" The man declares, ""Well, everywhere I rode him, I heard people say, 'Hey look at the dick on that camel'""" +2641,5,"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula? ""Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"" ""No- wait, Dracula?"" ""Yes!"" ""You're vampires?"" ""Yes. We have pamphlets."" ""Vampires have missionaries?"" ""Where else would new vampires come from?"" ""I assumed you bit people."" ""There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"" Edit: source: https://twitter.com/MicroFlashFic/status/1022573616809041923?s=19" +2642,1,How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg +2643,0,How do people with no eyelids sleep? Lightly +2644,8,"A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals I laughed, ""Over in 9.5 seconds?"" ""No,"" she said, ""Eight black men and a gun.""" +2645,0,"My mate ""Arty"" works as a security guard at the local supermarket and gets $1 for everyone he ejects from the store, he grabbed three young men by the throat and threw them out, it's true check the website. ""Artichokes"" (3) for $1.00. " +2646,8,"A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am. The wife shakes the husband and says ""honey, there's someone at the door"". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. ""Can I help you"". ""Could you give me a push"" says the drunk man. ""Hell no, and besides you're drunk"" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. ""Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us""? ""You should go outside and help the poor man"". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out ""Do you still need a push""? In the distance he hears a reply ""Yes Please"". ""Where are you"" to which he hears ""Over here on the swing set""" +2647,1,Where do you find many germs? In Germany +2648,2,"A woman went to a fruit store and bought an apple. The store owner: ""Do you want that sliced in 4 or 8?"" The woman: ""4, I'm on a diet.""" +2649,2,How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian +2650,0,"One day a dog and a pony were walking down the road. Pony looked sad so dog asked, ""Whats wrong?"" And pony said, ""Im a little hoarse.""" +2651,1,"The doctor gave me 6 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved." +2652,1,My friend told me he was dating a girl for a couple years who doesn’t eat meat whatsoever. I hadn’t heard of Herbivore +2653,5,"The English language If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead." +2654,6,"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl! Son:""Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"" Father: ""That's great son. Who is she?"" Son: ""It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"" father: ""Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. ""The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: ""Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"" Father: ""That's great son. Who is she?"" Son: ""It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."" Father: ""Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."" This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son:""Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: ""My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father.""" +2655,2,I have to speak at my child’s school today I suppose the old trick of picturing the audience naked if I get nervous doesn’t apply here. +2656,2,It was bring your pet to school day I brought my desert eagle +2657,2,What's the generic name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin. +2658,1,When someone asks me if I like indoor skydiving I say Im a really big fan +2659,3,"I saw a lady crying at the supermarket today because she had lost her money and couldn't buy diapers that she wanted to buy. I felt so bad that I bought them for her, but it's fine because I found a 100 dollar bill at the parking lot anyways. " +2660,5,How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? Because anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush. +2661,3,"A couple had been married for twenty years and whenever they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the light. Finally, after all this time, the wife thought it was stupid and decided she would take this unnecessary habit from her husband. One night, while they made love, she suddenly turned on the lights and saw her husband with a dildo in his hand. She got mad with anger and frustration and shouted at him: ""You bastard, how could you lie to me during all these years?"" You better explain yourself! The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said to her: ""Alright, I'll explain to you about the dildo if you explain to me about our three children.""" +2662,5,A Muslim enters a building Along with 500 passengers and an airplane. +2663,4,I 100% support the Trump Deportation Plan!! Where should we send him? +2664,0,T cells Killer T cells are where your immune system finds and destroys infected cells that have turned into virus-making factories. Mr. T cells are where they pity the bacterial fools. +2665,0,"what did Hagrid say to Gandalf? stop playing with hobbits, yer a wizzard!" +2666,0,Police are investigating the Notre Dame fire... They're following a hunch. +2667,6,If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. .. they would eventually find me attractive +2668,5,My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.. I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me. +2669,2,Ever heard the one of the idiot perched on a tree? >!Come down so I can tell you it.!< +2670,0,"Why did the suicide bomber die a virgin? His Samsung Galaxy had a premature detonation. * Is your dad a Samsung employee? Cause you're smoking hot and look ready to pop. * Why did the Samsung executive go to hell? For a maintenance check on their manufacturing plants. * I like my women like I like my phones. Fiery, explosive, and hot enough to make me pull down my pants." +2671,0,"I gave my cat a bath the other day I gave my cat a bath the other day. You know, I've always heard that you're not supposed to do that, but she had come in from playing outside and was really filthy, so I decided to give her a bath. If you have a cat, don't worry about it. She sat there, she enjoyed it. I found it to be a really nice way to spend some quality time with my furry little friend. It was fun for both of us. When I was done her fur was clean and had a brilliant luster. If I had one minor quibble it would be that her fur kept sticking to my tongue, and I coughed up hairballs for three days, but you get used to it. Give it a try! A few weeks ago I thought about giving my dog a bath. I know what you're thinking, ""Where am I going to go with this one?"" Well... dogs are dirty animals. They need baths. This is why I think cat's are smarter than dogs. A cat will clean it's entire body, but won't lick its asshole. They know better A dog thinks its ass is a tootsie-roll factory, squeezing out treats on a daily basis. That's why they sniff each other's butts. And if that isn't enough, then they want to share it with you, and slather you with butt-kisses. I believe this is really where the term Ass to Mouth got its start. " +2672,2,What do cops and sports photographers have in common? They get paid to shoot black men. +2673,1,"An idiot, a moron, and a dumbass want to win a blue ribbon at the State Fair. Idiot: ""But what could we win?"" Moron: ""What if we dun entered in an animal?"" Dumbass: ""We could win for 'World's Biggest Pig'!"" The three go out and procure the biggest pig they can find. Over the next few weeks, they feed the pig as much slop as it can keep down. It grows slowly, but with the State Fair a week away, it hasn't gained enough weight to win 'World's Biggest Pig'. Moron: ""Goddammit, how do we make this pig grow faster?"" Dumbass: ""It won't get bigger 'cus it's shittin' too much!"" Idiot: ""Let's plug it up!"" And the idiot rams a cork up the pig's rear end. With the pig plugged up, it gains a massive amount of weight over the next week. At the State Fair, it easily wins 'World's Biggest Pig', and the three collect their winnings. With the pig no longer needed, they discuss what to do with it. Dumbass: ""We needa take that there cork out."" Idiot: ""I'm ain't gunna do it!"" Moron: ""Let's get a monkey to do it!"" The three find a monkey, and show it how to remove the cork before taking it to the pig. They stand back as the monkey removes the cork, and immediately after, all three lose consciousness. They wake up hours later in the hospital with a doctor standing in front of their beds. He asks them: ""What's the last thing you remember before you blacked out?"" Idiot: ""The pig explodin'."" Moron: ""Shit flyin' e'erywhere."" Dumbass: ""That poor lil' monkey tryin' to put the cork back in...""" +2674,2,"For all you boxing fans out there Eighty year old woman, huge boxing fan, decides to get a couple of tattoos of her favourite pugilists done. One of Mohamed Ali on the inside of her upper right thigh, one of Mike Tyson on the inside of her upper left thigh. Pleased as punch, she goes home to her husband, lifts up her dress, spreads her legs and says, ' Well, what do you think of these?' Husband replies 'The one on the right could be Mohamed Ali, the one on the left might be Mike Tyson, but the one in the middle is definitely Don King. " +2675,1,What's a fish in orbit? trouter space +2676,0,What's a communist's favorite singer? John Lenin +2677,0,"Today I saw a poor kid get beat up by 4 gang members, so I decided to help The poor fellow didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us!" +2678,1,How did Captain Bird's-eye die? He was battered by a cod. +2679,1,How do cows text? Using emoojis. +2680,0,I bought a new pair of glasses It helps me see the world I living clearer. . . . But I can't see my world anymore... +2681,0,What would a window washer use to speak to ghosts? A Squeegee-board +2682,1,"How do you tell a crazy Jew that it's all in his head? ""It's psychosemitic""" +2683,0,"The doctor told my grandpa, he had one week to live, but my grandpa proved him wrong against all the odds. He died the next morning." +2684,0,"My kids are concerned about the creepy clown threats going on around the country and on social media. I told them not to worry. After November 8th the orange-painted, sad-faced man with wacky hair will go away." +2685,0,Why do mycologists have such a good time? Because they hang around the fungi. +2686,3,"You're in charge of the supplies American, Englishman and a China man apply for a job at a construction site. Foreman gives the American the job of carpentry, the English man the job of masonry and the China man gets the job of supplies. A month later the foreman comes back to the site and finds the American sawing and sweating away at the wood with stacks of it all around him. The foreman says 'good job' and walks on and finds the Englishman laying blocks and cement and building walls all over the place. The foreman says 'good job' and goes looking for the China man but can't find him anywhere. Have you seen the China man? asked the foreman. No I haven't seen him in a month said the American. No I haven't seen him since after we got here said the Englishman. So they go about the site looking for him. They come to a big pile of boxes in the corner gathering dust and the foreman leans over to look inside one, when the whole pile bursts open and out jumps the China man and shouts 'Supplizzee!' throwing his hands out into the air." +2687,1,What do airplane builders say about their job? It's riveting +2688,5,"Pedro and Maria Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, 'Pedro! What is that?' Pedro, a quick thinker, said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.' And then he proudly proceeded to demonstrate to her what it was for. Maria was pleased. After their honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work. On returning home in the evening after his first day at work posthoneymoon, Pedro found a very upset Maria waiting on their front porch. 'Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!' Ever a fast thinker on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one.' A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home from work the following evening, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch. 'Maria? Now what's wrong???' 'Damn it, Pedro! You gave the better one to Gonzalez!'" +2689,0,What were the martyr's last words? I believe in peace in our time +2690,0,"Did you hear the one about the murderer loose in Australia? There had been a string of murders in a small Australian town that had left the local police department believing that there was a serial killer on the loose. The police department released a statement to the public, warning them to be especially cautious until the killer was captured and brought to justice. The news, while shocking, did not concern most of the townspeople as the general public was not being targeted by the killer. The only victims that had been found so far had been prominent figures of various types of religions. A few Buddhist monks, two Catholic priests, a Muslim imam, and a Jewish rabbi. Various places of worship in the town were advised to suspend all activities in an effort to protect their leaders, as well as their followers, from the killer. The police department began interviewing the different religious groups to see if anyone in town had witnessed any unusual behavior within their respective circles. Eventually they got a lead on a suspicious man that had been seen hanging around the cloisters where a group of nuns were known to spend a lot of their time at. The police immediately sent all of their available units to the location where the man had been seen last, but they were unfortunately too late. They arrived to see the man kneeling over top of a slain nun, who seemed to have been stabbed multiple times. They immediately arrested the man and brought him down to the station. The man kept shouting that he was innocent, and that he had found the nun just after the killer had stabbed her. He kept babbling about the police “having the wrong guy” and how “the killer was still out there”. However, he was covered in blood at the scene of the crime and the police firmly believed that there was too much evidence for this to be a coincidence. Nonetheless, they wanted to question him regarding the previous murders and to see if he had any accomplices. After a few minutes of questioning the man in custody, a different officer burst into the police station yelling that another nun had just been murdered at the same cloisters where the man had been found!! They realized that their guy could not be the serial killer as the 2nd murder had happened only moments ago. The man in custody jumps up and says, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! The real bloke’s in the convents!”" +2691,0,Never annoy someone with bird puns... Cos Toucan play that game (Am I egging y'all on?) I get it... I'll show myself the eggsit +2692,0,How do the Enterprise crew pre-drink? They start rekt. +2693,1,"A cop walking his beat downtown late one Saturday night... ...comes across an inebriated fellow, stumbling around on the sidewalk in front of a bar. He approaches the drunkard, who is well plastered and hasn't yet seen him coming . ""Evening, friend. How we doing tonight?"" ""Oh officer,"" says the souse, "" Am I glad to see you, sir! Listen, somebody stole my car!"" ""Huh. Got your car, did they?"" Skeptical, the cop prods him. ""Well, tell me, where did you last see it?"" The drunk holds up his keychain and mumbles ""It was right here, right on the end of this key."" Cop stops for a second and maybe deep in his mind somewhere he wonders how his life ever came to this. But that doesn't solve the problem at hand. ""Friend,"" he says, thinking quickly, ""the Precinct House is three blocks behind me, right back that way. Just follow this street and you can't miss it. Now, you just head down there & tell them what happened. They'll file the appropriate paperwork and get an investigation started for you. Sound good?"" Satisfied with this answer, the drunk obliges. ""Wow, thank you officer, I really appreciate it. I'll get down there right now"". And he starts to walk off. ""All right, good luck with your case then, citizen,"" says the cop. But before the drunk gets away he adds, ""Oh hey my friend, before you go down there to the station, why don't you zip up that fly? Your cock's hanging right out the front of 'em"". Drunk looks down and sure enough there's his dick just waving in the wind. His expression suddenly saddens. ""Oooooh officer...I think they got my girl too."" Happy Father's Day fellow Dads." +2694,4,"Why do you have to call a priest ""father""? Because daddy is too obvious.." +2695,2,"A Ukranian boy and his father went out for a walk. ""Dad?"" The boy asks. ""Is it true that there was an accident at Chernobyl in 1986?"" ""Yes, there was,"" the father replies, patting his head. ""And is it true that there were no consequences?"" The little boy asks. ""Absolutely,"" the father replies, patting his son's second head. And they strolled off together, wagging their tails." +2696,1,"What did the indifferent porn star say when she lost her cat? Eh, fuck my pussy." +2697,2,Why shouldn't you pick a fight with a dinosaur? Because you'll get jurasskicked +2698,1,Candy You can’t spell candy without *c and y* +2699,1,"A bear walks into a bar A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ""I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."" The bartender asks, ""Why the big pause?""" +2700,1,Why didn't Texas drift into the gulf coast? Because Oklahoma sucks. +2701,6,Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the fuck out of the dogs. +2702,1,What do anti-vaxxers and their kids have in common? They’re a dying breed +2703,1,"I used to do ballet I still do, but I used tutu." +2704,0,As a fisherman I was excited to hear about 'finger snappin' maggots... Turns out it was just click bait. +2705,2,What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand. +2706,0,Why was the cow roaming aimlessly? Because it was without it's significant udder. +2707,0,What's a redditor's favourite sword move? Riposte! +2708,8,"What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color? 'Ginger' Edit: If it makes anyone feel better, I've never heard of Tim Minchin before this comment thread." +2709,5,"My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing appliances... Well, they're in for a shock..." +2710,2,Yo mama so fat Her memory foam has Alzheimer’s +2711,3,"I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology. Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity." +2712,2,What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience? Veggietales. +2713,5,You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit +2714,5,"A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says ""that'll be us in ten years"". The other friend looks and says ""That's a mirror dumbass""." +2715,0,Whenever I accidentally downvote a comment... I make sure to undo it. Otherwise it’s bad karma +2716,0,I had to get my hair cut I couldn’t stand it any longer +2717,2,How often can you tell a chemistry joke? Periodically +2718,1,I like making self deprecating jokes... Because all my other ones suck +2719,1,"There are two types of people in this world... Those who hate clowns, and clowns." +2720,0,What depletes faster the more you use it? Toilet Paper +2721,1,"[NSFW]Im ok with being not allowed to say the "" N "" Word as White Person ... ... at least i can bring phrases like "" Thanks for the Warning Officer "" and "" Hi Dad "" " +2722,2,"My friend started making jokes about the Nazi concentration camps I politely asked him to stop, and explained my grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off a guard tower. " +2723,0,"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ""Where's my tractor?"" (as told by my Irish granddad)" +2724,0,[HORRIBLE] What is the best-selling treat in Rwanda? A Tutsi Roll. +2725,0,Melania's speech writer is going to be out of a job soon because she will be moving out of The White House in January. +2726,5,What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener. +2727,2,What state did the programmer start her road trip in? Maine +2728,0,How does a cow know what the date is? A cow-lender +2729,1,What do you call a vampire getting a makeover? Re-vamping. +2730,1,"There’s this new restaurant called Karma There’s no menu, you get what you deserve." +2731,0,"A man is on a roadtrip to see his favourite band... A man is on the highway making his way to the long awaited show of his favourite rock band. As he reaches the outskirts of town, his stomach grumbles. He tatters around the car for any food but there isn't any, he looks back to the road in desolation only to find the solution to his problem just ahead on the byway: A special themed diner called ""Rockin' Rolls"", apparently famous for the best sausage rolls in the state. The man parks his car on the foot of a hill, following the sign, there are other people arriving, they apparently ran into the same situation as he did, so they start making their way to the restaurant. He befriends a couple as they trek up through the dark dirt roads and the woman is the first to scream, out of the bushes a group of junkies flail blades at them and demand their wallets and phones, they comply. The man is devastated, but the couple suggests they hurry up and get to the restaurant to use the owner's phone and report the crime. As they hike, they start talking about the show and eventualy all three are confident enough to smoke one in front of eachother, easing the trauma they just went through. However, just as they reach the restaurant, they see a gang of bikers walking out and the man, at this point high off his face, starts laughing at one of the biker's walrus-like mustache, the bikers push the woman aside and beat the two men into the ground, breaking bones and bloodying their clothes. The man and his friend struggle up and with much hardship make it to the restaurant's doors, where they're met by the owner himself. The man immediatly starts ranting about what a terrible hike up it was to get to the restaurant, to which the owner simply smiles and says: ""Well, it's a long way to the top if you want a Rockin' Roll""" +2732,4,"Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings. Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. ""What's that?"", Bill asked. ""It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics."" The psychic began to explain. ""I'll make three predictions. If each one comes true before the day is over, you return here and pay me $50. But if all three don't come true, I will close up and never work again."" Bill laughed. ""Well what if you're wrong?"" ""I've never been wrong."" Retorted the psychic. ""It's why I'm still in business. Bill agreed, and the psychic peered into his crystal ball. ""I see it. For my first prediction, your car be towed."" Bill just rolled his eyes. ""Whatever you say."" The psychic continued. ""For my second prediction, you will come in first in the city's marathon."" ""But that's today."" Bill said. ""And it's already started. There's no way that'll come true. ""The psychic ignored Bill and continued. ""For my third prediction, you will come across a pregnant man."" After hearing that, Bill got up and walked away. This so called psychic was clearly crazy. Bill stepped back outside just in time to see his car getting towed away. As it turns out, he parked in front of a fire hydrant. As the truck drove off with his car, Bill stared dumbfounded. The psychic's prediction came true. He quickly snapped out of it and chased after his car. Bill lost sight of the truck after a couple of minutes, but kept running. Suddenly, he heard cheering. He looked around and saw that he was surrounded by a crowd. He'd run straight into the city's marathon. And he came in first. He couldn't believe it. He just stood there stunned. Minutes later, the other runners came in behind him. Exhausted, one of them reached for his water bottle, only to accidentally drop out and have it's contents spill onto the ground. The runner yelled out ""Fuck! My water broke!"" And Bill took $50 out of his wallet." +2733,0,What's the Official Truck of the Catholic Church? The ones that Peterbilt +2734,1,Why is frostbite so expensive? ‘Cos it will cost you an arm and a leg. +2735,2,Did you hear about the scientists who lightly waved a feather over a man’s balls? It was a test tickle. +2736,0,The pound is weaker Does that mean I lost weight? +2737,0,What's the difference between trumps plans and a unicorn? A unicorn isn't real +2738,0,Saw a video game dance involving a naked flame in front of ass... Title turned out to be FartNite. +2739,0,What do you deserve and is also a type of bagel? Everything +2740,1,"What’s long, hard, slimy and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger " +2741,0,"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was tied to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? It thought they were playing a game. Why did the refrigerator fall out of the tree? It's a refrigerator, silly, it doesn't have any arms! Why did the cyclist fall off his bike? He was hit by three monkeys and a refrigerator." +2742,3,What has 4 wheels and flies? A Garbage truck. +2743,5,Holy shit there's a spider under my keyboard I think it's under control +2744,4,I'll never hire a dyslexic prostitute again! There was no sex but I did get my socks cooked. +2745,0,"Does anyone else feel sad that Rats get all the latest medicines,vaccines and even experimental drugs where as million of humans are left to die? HUMAN LIVES MATTER TOO!!!!!" +2746,0,Why did the birdwatcher cross the road? To get to the other hide. +2747,0,"The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word ""Hawaii."" One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a ""w"" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like ""Havaii,"" with a ""v"" sound. Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's ""Havaii."" The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man. The old man said ""you're velcome."" Submitted by: Brian Madden Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar. " +2748,0,Why do women make the best surgeons? They’ve been bred for thousands of years to be great at sewing. +2749,2,"The friendly elephant In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant." +2750,0,Steven Seagal calls to Putin - Vladymir . I love your country. Somebody just wire by mistake 73 $ on my account in Sbierbank. - This is not a mistake Steven. This is your annual salary here. +2751,0,"Wanna know why young children pronounce Britain wrong? They recognize that they don’t deserve tea, so we threw it in the ocean." +2752,1,Continue the phrase: Sex is like... Reddit: an apocalypse because it never happened. +2753,1,"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and... ...he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers, and six-packs." +2754,2,What do guys who don’t use condoms and the British government have in common Both will promise to come out smooth and clean on paper and then cause a huge mess in practise +2755,0,How do you know if a squirrel is flirting with you? You DO NOT talk about fight club! +2756,1,Why dont you ever see rhinos hiding in trees They're good at it +2757,0,My boss makes a dollar while I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time. +2758,0,How do you get a Jewish prostitute high? You stone 'er. +2759,1,"I brought my sister to an Oasis concert once When they came on stage I shouted ""Go Oasis!"" When I turned around, she was gone." +2760,6,Help! I can't stop reading fantasy novels with female protagonists... ...I'm a heroine addict. +2761,8,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room A nurse comes in and says, ""Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"" She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, ""What the hell are you doing?"" The Englishman replies, ""I'm sorry, but one of the other two babies is French, and I can't take that chance.""" +2762,4,"One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, ""Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?""   The kid says, ""Yeah.""   The cop says, ""Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.""   The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.   The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, ""By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?""   Humoring the kid, the cop says, ""Yeah, he sure did.""   The kid says, ""Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.""" +2763,1,What has become of the times One day an old man and his grandson were walking in a park. They saw two dogs shagging in the grass. Grandson:(pointing) Look at those dogs Grandpa! Grandpa: GS the dog below is helping the dog above to walk what's to point at that. GS: What has become of the times when helping someone gets you fucked in the arse! +2764,2,A woman is run over by a man in his car. Who is at fault? The man. You’re not supposed to drive a car in a kitchen. +2765,0,great news after going to my doctor he is kinda hard to understand but he says i'll live ten more years if i just extra size my leggins +2766,2,What do you call 18 wheat fields in france? Dix-huit fields. +2767,0,Handball :) Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team. +2768,6,I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes. +2769,1,Why did the astronaut give up on going to Mars? Because there's no longer any Opportunity there. +2770,3,"When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft. Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest." +2771,0,give a man a light and he'll for a night teach a man how to light and he gets lung cancer +2772,1,What does Snoop Dogg look for at the art store? For chisels. +2773,3,Anyone going to the Fibonacci convention this year? They say it'll be as big as the last two conventions put together. +2774,0,"My doctor said I need to lessen my salt intake. So, I've been trying very hard to stay away from the Rockets and Celtics fan base." +2775,0,Dropped my cellphone off the Eiffel Tower today It hit some poor guy on the head & killed him instantly. His funeral is tomorrow. I'm still choked up that my phone doesn't have any service. +2776,1,"There are four people on a crashing plane but only three parachutes... First man goes ""I am a leading heart surgeon one of the best in the world, my patients and country need me"". He takes the first parachute and jumps. Second man arrogantly goes ""I am brilliant rocket scientist, one of the smartest men alive the world needs me"". He takes the second parachute and jumps. The two people left in the plane are an old man and a ten year old Boy Scout. Old man goes ""Son I'm old and frail don't have a lot of time left, you take the last parachute and jump"" Boy Scout goes ""Sir it's ok we still have two parachutes, you see the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack"". " +2777,5,A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs. The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy. +2778,0,"Hitler was mad usain bolt was happy. Why? (NSFL) Hitler wasn’t able to finish a race, usain did though" +2779,7,How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb? One. They are efficient but not funny. +2780,0,What do you get when your medieval court singers are off key? Minstrel cramps. +2781,0,What's the plus side to accepting science grad students from private liberal arts colleges? They come without the B.S. !! +2782,0,"My friend with Aids is all about saving the planet. I told him, you couldn't even save Uranus." +2783,0,"College is like a tit The longer you play with it, the harder it gets" +2784,10,Why is 69 afraid of 70? Because they once had a fight and 71. # Sorry guys. +2785,7,"I haven't had sex since 1956! A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said ""1956 ma'am."" The woman, taken back by this answer said ""1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..."" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said ""well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956..."". The general looked at her confused and said ""well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"" Shout out to u/mister_damage" +2786,1,"I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months. Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed. However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar. In conclusion: Good news though, whoever fucked this up did get stabbed." +2787,1,I'm going to a fancy dress party as a part of an Italian island I'm a bit Sicily +2788,1,"I have four kids, so I finally shut down the factory [OC] I still give tours though. They're self-guided tours, but hey, nobody's complaining." +2789,0,How does a hen leave it’s house? Through it’s eggs-it +2790,4,"A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market. After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. ""How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"" ""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."" ""Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"" ""He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."" ""Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."" ""He died of a broken neck."" ""A broken neck?"" ""Yeah, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms.""" +2791,0,What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas :) +2792,4,What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin +2793,0,Who is the greatest author of the medieval era? King Author +2794,1,Those silly Catholics.... How do you get a nun pregnant?? Dress her up like an alter boy ^.^ +2795,0,What did C say to D? EEEnough of these jokes already +2796,1,What's grey? A melted penguin +2797,0,The author finally found the spineless guy who stole her unpublished draft. She got her paperback and booked it +2798,3,"A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: ""Why are you laughing?"" ""I was thinking about my own funeral"" the man replied. ""What's so funny about that? ""I'm a gynecologist."" " +2799,3,"Why do scuba divers fall backwards from the boat? Because if they fall forward, they'll end up on the boat." +2800,0,I tried to book cheap tickets on the United Airlines.. But someone beat me to it. +2801,2,"An early American cowboy is out surveying the west... When he is captured by some Natice Americans. They say, ""Your people have declared war on us and as a POW, we are going to kill you...in 3 days. But each day before that, we will grant you one wish"" He thinks and says...""For my first wish, I wish to speak to my horse"". The look perplexed, but allow him to do so. He whispers something to his horse and it scampers away. Hours later the horse comes back with a beautiful naked blond woman riding it. The cowboy takes the blond into the woods and they make love all night. On the 2nd day, the tribe grants him his 2nd wish. He reponds ""Let me speak to my horse again"" Same drill, he whispers and the horse scampers away. This time, the horse returns with a beautiful naked red headed woman. The cowboy takes her into the woods and they make love all night. The next day, the tribe come to the cowboy and let him know this is his last day on earth and his last wish. ""Let me speak to my horse one last time"". He saunters over to his horse, leans in to whisper, pulls back and smacks the horse in the face and screams...""You damn horse, I said bring me a Posse!!!""" +2802,1,Did you hear Darth Vader had a second daughter named Elly? Elly Vader +2803,4,What would a house wear? Address +2804,0,"An Indian, a Russian and an American walk into a bar! The American is bursting with news he wants to share, but the Indian decides to introduce himself. ""Hi, I am Deepak! While eating samosas with tea one day last year, I hacked into the Chinese defense systems, brought them all down to their knees"". Yes he was a showoff! The American is exploding with his info, but the Russian interrupts, introducing himself. ""Hi, I am Vladimeyerr! While drinking Vodka for breakfast last Sunday, I hacked into the CIA databases, but they are so behind the times, nothing new to see"". He was really an arrogant bastard! The American simply can't hold it in any longer. He screams, ""THEY FED THEIR CHILD A VEGAN DIET, DAN NEAR KILLED IT!!!"". " +2805,4,Fortnite is a terrible name for a game. It's too weak. +2806,0,What was Kronos called in high school A Teen Titan +2807,2,"So a vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”" +2808,0,What is Louis CK's favorite tale? Rubbin Wood +2809,0,"Pat O'Neill decides to compete in the Dublin Marathon To prepare he ran 5 miles a day for 6 weeks. Unfortunately by the day of the race, he was 210 miles from Dublin." +2810,0,What vehicle is spelled the same backwards and forwards? (riddle) >!race car!!< +2811,3,"A Horny American is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those ""exclusive"" ladies-of-the-trade. ""How much do you charge?"", asks he. Mary replies, ""It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."" He says, ""500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"" With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, ""Do you see that Mary Restaurant on the corner?"" ""Yes."" ""Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"" ""Yes."" ""And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old Cathay cinema?"" ""Yes."" ""Well,"" says Mary, smiling invitingly, ""I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."" He then exclaims, ""What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."" They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel. A short time later, he is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit. He is so amazed, he says, ""I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"" Mary replies, ""RM1,500."" ""I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"" Mary then says, while signalling him to come closer to her. ""Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail? I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"" And poor customer , basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to cancel his intended new mobile phone and says, ""Give it to me !!!"" Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience. He then asks Mary,""How much for some pussy?"" Mary replies, ""Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks .... corporate offices .... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"" ""Wowwww !!"" he shouts out in awe, ""You own the whole city ??"" ""No,"" Mary replies, ""but I would if I had a pussy.""" +2812,4,Whats the difference between a school bus and a cactus? With a cactus the little pricks are on the outside. +2813,0,"A boy was on his way to school... A boy was on his way to school when he saw the words ‘Stark Sky’ written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when he got to school and the teacher asked if there were any questions, he raised his hand. When he was called upon he asked: ""What is Stark Sky?"" His teacher screamed at him to go to the principal. The principal asked him why he was there and he said: ""When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here."" ""What are the words,"" the principal asked. ""Stark Sky,"" replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school. At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled. “Well,” he answered. ""When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me."" ""Is that it? What on Earth were the words?"" his mother asked. ""Stark Sky,"" he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father. When his dad got home he went upstairs and sat on the end of his son’s bed. ""So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened."" The boy answered, ""When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant, so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you."" “Well, son, what are the words?"" ""Stark Sky."" the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house. As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They crowded round the boy. ""What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out!"" So the boy said,"" When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out."" ""Wow, what are the words?"" his friends asked. ""Stark Sky,"" he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off. ""I just saved your life,” said the bum. “Tell me why they were all beating you up."" The boy slowly picked himself up off the floor and turned to face the bum. ""When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant, so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up."" ""So, what on Earth are the words?"" the bum asked. ""I don't know if I should say,” said the boy. ""Come on. I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful,"" the bum remarked. ""Okay, okay. The words were Stark Sky."" The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up. The bum ran off leaving the shaken boy to be helped to his feet by the police officer. The cop asks the boy what happened. “Well, when I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up."" “What were the words?"" pried the police officer. The boy replied, ""Stark Sky."" Appalled, the cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up and took him to jail. The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy answered, "" When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."" ""What were the words, Boy?"" demanded the Judge. The boy said, ""Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you."" The judge informed him that he would be found in contempt of court if he didn't answer him and say the words. Reluctantly, he obeyed. ""Stark Sky."" The judge was outraged and sentenced him to ten years in jail. Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for. ""Well, when I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."" Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy replied, ""Stark Sky.” He spent the next ten years getting beaten up. The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. ""You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?"" The man coughed and cleared his throat. ""When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal’s office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."" ""Oh that is just awful!"" the woman exclaimed. ""What were the words?"" ""Do you think I'm stupid?!"" exploded the man. ""I'm not going to tell you the words."" ""Oh come on,"" the woman cooed. ""I won't do anything to you."" ""Oh, alright. The words were Stark Sky."" ""Stark Sky?"" asked the woman with her eyes lit up. ""Yes,"" the man replied. ""You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of Stark Sky."" The man was ecstatic. He was finally going to learn what Stark Sky meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus. The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street. " +2814,3,"One day a bunch of bullies came and duct taped me to a wall, but I had a good friend who tried and stop them. He stuck by my side. " +2815,0,What's the difference between Kennedy and Star Wars 8? Star Wars 8 wasn't shot in 1963. +2816,0,They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird. +2817,1,What's Beethoven's favourite fruit? BANANANAAAAA +2818,2,She wanted to try 'morning sex' So I killed her sister. +2819,0,When it comes to clockwise... I am very anti. +2820,1,"I made a time machine to travel back to the year 2001. You see my son had his first soccer game then, and I missed it only to show up 10 minutes after it ended. When I go back to the past I'll tell myself that it isn't worth ditching work for and that the little dumbass loses the game anyways." +2821,0,"Three guys are at the top of a tall building. One of them is a little slow, and the others made fun of him. One of them discovers a lamp thrown away, picks it up, rubs it and a genie appears. ""Thank you for freeing me, each one of you will become the last word you say after jumping off this here building"" The three men are perplexed, but they all said what the hell and the first one jumped. ""EAGLE!!!"" he screamed and *poof*, he became an Eagle, flying away. The second one, encouraged by this, jumps. ""Condor!!!"" screams and becomes a huge Condor, and fucks the hell out of there to eat some carrion. The slow one, hesitant, jumps. During his fall, he can't think of anything. The ground approaches fast. Finally fear of death possesses him, and screams: ""SHEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"" *Splat!*" +2822,5,What was the codename for the transition from Obama to Trump? Orange is the new black +2823,0,What did the roofing professional say to the homeowner after the job was done? It's on the house +2824,0,Why do you never hear a Pterodactyl use the bathroom? because the p is silent. +2825,2,Two politicians are debating an issue The first politician yells “You’re lying!” The second politician says “Yes I am but hear me out!” +2826,1,"A blonde is doing some lawn work... A blonde is doing some lawn work at home. She pulls out the weed-eater and starts taking it to the bushes. Inside the bushes she hits a cat with the weed-eater and chops its tail right off. She picks up the cat and its tail and tells her boyfriend she needs to take it to Wal-Mart. Her boyfriend asks ""why in the world would you need to take it to Wal-Mart?"" She replies ""I heard Wal-Mart is the best Retailer in town!""" +2827,2,Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks. “They have a hole in one.” +2828,2,Whats the difference between kinky and perverted ? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends body with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken. +2829,3,Why did they make economists? To make the weather guys look good. +2830,0,"If God really did write the Bible, the first verse should have said... 1. In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, which is round." +2831,0,"A couple is on holiday in another country. They are getting on a bus together. The husband tells the wife: \\- See? In this bus there's a gamer, a feminist and a vegan. \\- So... What makes you think you know that? \\- They already told me!" +2832,0,I used to have a life before I started serving drinks at underground clubs. Now I'm behind bars. +2833,0,"Wanted to check how dumb my friend was, so I handed him an IQ test. He only bubbled the name section." +2834,1,"3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says ""Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you."" So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, ""I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"" The second guy says, ""Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!""" +2835,1,What do terrorists say when they get on a rollercoaster? This is gonna be a blast! +2836,2,Hannibal Lector crashed my dinner party and rudely demanded that I feed him! I gave him a piece of my mind. +2837,1,So i called my scopophobia therapist today. She gave me a heart attack when she said she could see me whenever. +2838,2,"I live in a rough neighborhood There are lots of gangs here, so it's pretty scary at times. In fact, my neighbor used to be a blood. Then he fell off the roof. Now he's a crip." +2839,1,"Q: What goes at 100 mph and makes a ""smack,"" ""smack,"" ""smack"" sound? A: A dead baby tied to a truck." +2840,1,Today i felt like a giant mushroom I get kept in the dark and fed shite +2841,2,I might not be a surgeon but I'll take a stab at it. +2842,0,"12-15 year old YouTube commenters are like pizza cutters. They're all edge, but no point." +2843,1,What has 4 legs and a c*** half way up its back? A police horse +2844,3,a sick kid was asked to throw a ball in any direction and he threw up +2845,1,Why is the ulna the second funniest bone in our skeleton? It's near-humerus. +2846,2,"There were two men in the gym showers One was average build and the other was very large. The average build guy says, ""Damn man, when's the last time you saw your dick?"" The large man says, ""I don't know, it's been a while."" Average build guy says, ""why don't you try to diet?"" The Big guy says, ""why? What color is it now?""" +2847,0,What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car? Carlos... +2848,1,"I asked Nurse Joy if she could examine me. She said ""I'll take a Pikachu.""" +2849,0,"I just bought a new dictionary. First thing I looked up was the word dictionary. It said, ""you're an asshole."" *(big ups to my man, DM)*" +2850,0,How does a Chinese man start a religious video? Press pray. +2851,0,"A guy walks into his doctor's office visibly upset... After waiting in the exam room for a few minutes his doctor finally walks in. ""Hey Steve, what's going on today?"" Distraught, Steve said ""Doc, you gotta help me. I've had this really strange stomach problem for the past couple of days."" ""Really?"", replied the doctor. ""Tell me more about it."" With a noticeable hesitation, Steve said ""Well, you see, when I pass gas my farts make a really strange noise. It's almost like...like it's saying 'Honda'."" The doctor laughed as he wasn't expecting a joke. He noticed by the look on Steve's face that he wasn't kidding. ""Honda, you say?"" as he started scribbling notes onto his pad. Steve felt ridiculous & embarrassed, but he was *sure* he wasn't just imagining things. He had to explain more. As he started to go into more detail Steve felt the rumbling in his stomach. ""Yes, just like this"" Steve said. He leaned over to one side & let it rip. *HHHHOOONNNDDDAAAAAA* Stunned, the doctor excused himself from the exam room to check his medical dictionaries, even asking other doctors in the office if they had ever heard of such a thing. He came back in a few minutes later with a bit of a smirk. ""Okay Steve, I need you to open your mouth wide."" Steve opened his mouth &, after just a few quick seconds of looking around the doctor says, ""Aha! Just as I thought. You have an abscessed tooth. You need to make an appointment with your dentist right away. I can give you a prescription for the pain & infection, but that's about it."" Completely taken aback, Steve stammered, ""Wait...wait. You're telling me an infected tooth is causing this whole thing? HOW??"" To which the doctor matter-of-factly replied, ""Well Steve, everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda."" " +2852,0,What’s the creepiest thing morgue worker can say to you? See you soon. +2853,0,What's the difference between Donald Trump and a thief? Nothing. +2854,3,Every day Sunny Leone creates history Every day Sunny Leone creates history... Then we have to go to Settings and delete that History. +2855,1,What do you call an ant who lives in an apartment? A tenant +2856,1,My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday. I think he must be going soft in his old age. +2857,0,What did Joseph say to Marry when they arrived at the fancy wine party? You forgot to bring cheeses +2858,0,Why do you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything. +2859,4,Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone? Behind your badge. +2860,2,"A guy walk up to a bar with two women A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says ""you ladies from Scotland? They give him a dirty look and say ""Wales"" ""Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?""" +2861,1,"A WWII Veteran on his deathbed... turns to his son. Father: ""I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans"". Son: ""I'm listening father"" Father: ""It was the greatest plan ever concocted"". Son: ""What was the plan called?"" Father: ""It started off as a simple lie to one of the guards, then a latter lie built upon the former, until the plan had become an avalanche of lies"". Son: ""Yes, but what was the plan called?"" Father: ""The lie became so large that eventually the guard could not tell what was truth, or what was false, and to tell you the truth, neither could we"". Son: ""YES, BUT WHAT WAS THE PLAN CALLED?!"" Father: ""Oh,...right, well the plan was called the 'Fib a Nazi Sequence' " +2862,2,Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet? No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother. Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more. +2863,0,"Chuck Norris once saved a little child out of a burning building,... ... because he was hungry" +2864,5,How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100? On their fingers +2865,0,My Lesbian Neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday I don’t think they understood me right when I told them I wanna watch. +2866,3,"For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn't get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?" +2867,3,"(NSFW) A cowboy walks into a bar, looking as happy as can be. Another man sitting down asks him, “What on Earth could you be so happy for?” The cowboy promptly answers with “I just untied a woman from the train tracks and proceeded to have sex with her” The other man, astonished, asks for more details. The cowboy proceeds to tell the other man all the positions they did it in, the silkiness of her skin, etc. The other man, now excited, asks “Well did she give you head?” “No, I couldn’t find it”" +2868,1,Why should you always listen to Snoop Dogg's suggestions? His ideas are never half-baked. +2869,1,Why did the penny go to a masseuse? He was a little tender. +2870,1,Why is Ireland so rich? Because it's capital is Dublin +2871,2,"2 men walk into a bar The midget walks under it, turns to the two men lying on the ground and laughs." +2872,1,What would you call Martin Luther king Jr if he was white? Alive. +2873,5,So I gave a blind guy a basketball. I think he's still trying to read it... +2874,2,Have you heard about the Brexit Christmas dinner? It doesn't have Brussels +2875,4,"I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath." +2876,3,Why did Hellen Keller only masterbate one hand? So she could moan with the other +2877,1,what do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-oh acid +2878,7,"A Mexican man is found unresponsive... A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana. Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as ""1/2"". Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death. The doctor responds ""Juan over-dos""." +2879,2,"If I had a nickel If I had a nickel for every time I hit my head, I'd have brain damage. " +2880,0,Can a Kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course silly. Houses can't jump! +2881,0,Top 10 Showboat Players in Football 2015/2016 Volume 2 HAHAHAH +2882,0,What'd Jeffrey Dahmer say to the abortion doctor? Are you gonna eat that? +2883,0,"Me: I have transparents! Friend: You can see through your parents? Me: Nope, they are trans gender." +2884,0,What did the Farmer say to the Cow who ate the Weeds? The Steaks are High! +2885,3,When I was poor I had to use old calendars to wipe my arse. Now those days are behind me. +2886,0,What if... Obama was secretly working for the government? +2887,1,You know why only men have Adam's apples? Because Eve ate hers. +2888,0,"Weeaboos go to japan and be like, ""Where is the subtitles?""" +2889,0,Why Hitler killed himself? He saw his gas bill. +2890,0,I had to take a paternity test recently. I got an F. +2891,3,"I used to dislike my hair, But it's growing on me." +2892,0,"Chinese sick leave Ho Chow calls at work and says, ""Hello, I no come to work today....I am very sick. I have headache, my stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work today"" The boss says, ""You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today at work. Since we are both married, I will give some man to man advice! When I feel sick I usually go to my wife and have sex with her. After a while I feel better and come to work. You should definitely try that out."" After 2 hours Ho Chow calls his boss, ""I had sex and I feel very well. I am coming to work. By the way, you have a nice house!""" +2893,1,What do you call a girl with a wooden leg? Peggy. What do you call a girl with no wooden leg? Ilene +2894,1,"A Roman walks into a bar, shows 2 fingers and says ""5 beers please"". Stolen from Facebook" +2895,0,What do you get if you cross a GPS with pms? An angry woman that can find you anywhere. +2896,6,My dick was in the Guinness world records book Until the librarian threw me out. +2897,1,What did the door say to the other door? I can see your Knob Simple yet effective +2898,1,What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew +2899,0,"A friendly lime works at a sandwich shop ....and one day and orange walks in and orders a sub sandwich. The lime, happy to oblige, makes the orange a delicious sub sandwich. The orange says to the lime ""Excuse me, I have to use the restroom, will you please watch my sandwich?"" The lime agrees and the orange excuses himself to the restroom. Shortly thereafter, a lemon comes in and sits down and begins eating the orange's sub sandwich, the lime says ""Excuse me, that is not your sandwich! What do you think you're doing!?"" And without a word, the lemon walks out of the restaurant, leaving only and empty plate. The orange returns from the restroom and says ""Oh my! Where is my sandwich? The entire thing is gone, there isn't even a crumb!!"" And the lime replies ""Eliminated.""" +2900,0,What is Hitler's favourite hobby?? Guess +2901,1,Why do priests not commit adultery? They are more into minority. +2902,0,"Hey, I feel like almost everyone here has forgotten something... The Game. " +2903,4,"Mummy, why did you call me Rose? The lady's daughter asked. ""well"" her mother replied ""when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for Valentine's day, and a rose petal dropped on your head, so we called you Rose."" Her daughter, satisfied with this response skips away happily. ""Mummy!"" her second daughter said ""why did you call me Lily?"" ""well"" responded her mother ""when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for my birthday, and a Lily petal dropped on your head, so we called you Lily."" Her second daughter, happy with this tale, goes on her way. "" MUMMEH!"" screams her youngest daughter, who had been born the day they moved into the new house. ""HEERRMRMFLVLDLSNSMAJH!"" the child screamed incoherently. To which her mother replied ""not now, Wardrobe.."" " +2904,4,I can prove evolution wrong.. Humming birds have existed for thousands of years and they haven't learned the words yet. +2905,0,My dad has been playing the same practical joke for the past 15 years where he pretends to be another family's dad... you really got to admire the man's commitment. +2906,1,"I thought a comedian stole my joke, but actually he's a real stand-up guy. " +2907,1,You gotta hand it to the valet... How else are you gonna get your car back? +2908,8,"I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock." +2909,0,"Do you hear about the redditor who died at the Buddhist retreat? He was at the meditation training. The Roshi said, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out... The redditor said, fuck this reposting" +2910,1,"A blind man Walks into a jewelry store with his service dog and stumbles around for a few seconds. He stops and picks up the dog by the leash and starts swinging it around his head in a circle. An anxious clerk runs over to him and asks: ""are you OK, can I help you?!"" To which the blind man responded: ""No thanks, just having a look around...""" +2911,1,What do you call the troublesome storage area under your roof? Problematic. +2912,2,The Chinese have taken over our office block. That's wong on so many levels. +2913,0,What do a chunky blonde and a bundle of shingles have in common? There's a 90% chance they're both getting laid by a Mexican. +2914,0,"Three men approach the pearly gates The first walks up to St Peter and St Peter says, ""I'm sorry to tell you, but heaven is getting a bit full, so at the moment we are only accepting people who's deaths have been tragic. Tell me what happened and I'll let you know if I can let you in."" ""Well I came home early from work because I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me. I searched the house but there was no one there except her, so I figured I was wrong. I grabbed a snack from the cupboard and went out onto the balcony of my apartment to clear my head, and sure enough, there's this guy hanging by his fingertips from the edge, trying to stay out of sight. So I look around and see a hammer I'd been using the day before. I snatch it up and start hitting away at his fingers. He quickly falls the twenty stories to the ground and I look over the railing in triumph, but the lucky bastard has landed in some bushes and seems stunned but otherwise fine. In a fit of rage I run inside, pick up my fridge with inhuman strength and hurl it over the balcony and it squashes the adulterous asshole dead. Problem was that the exertion had given me a heart attack, and moments later I found myself here."" St peter looks aghast, ""That is simply horrible, I'm so very sorry. Please, please come in."" And the first man enters in to heaven. The second man approaches and St Peter gives him the spiel about heaven being full and them only letting in people with tragic deaths. The second man nods and says, ""I was working out on the balcony of my twenty first floor apartment, which has been having renovations done and the railing was down. Not real smart I suppose, but I didn't want to ruin the new carpet with sweat. Anyway I had just finished a set of push ups when my sweaty hands slipped and I fell off the balcony. Luckily I caught the edge of the balcony one story below but because of my work out I was too tired to pull myself up. I cried out for help but no one seemed to hear. Finally someone came out and I thought I was saved but before I could ask for help the manic grabs a hammer and starts beating on my fingers. I fell to what I thought was my death only to be saved by landing in some bushes below. I was climbing free and thanking my lucky stars when out of nowhere a fridge smashes down crushing my legs and stomach. It took a few minutes of agonizing pain, but eventually I bled to death and woke up here."" ""That's awful,"" says St Peter, ""You'd better go in."" And so the second man enters into heaven. The third man approaches St Peter who tells him the same as the last two. Heaven is full, tragic death's only. But before he can start, St Peter adds, ""and those last two were absolutely horrible. To get in your story is going to have to be really heart wrenching. I mean we've already filled the daily quota. There is almost no chance I can let you in."" ""O.K picture this: I'm sitting naked, inside a fridge...""" +2915,2,Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? If they fall forward they’d land in the boat. +2916,0,Why can't you give a balloon to Elsa? Because she'll Let It Go. +2917,1,How do you maintain your dignity working as an official for President Trump? Acting! +2918,0,What do you get when you call the swamp? a crocodile tone +2919,1,"Who was the first carpenter? A : Eve, she made Adams banana stand Source - pierce brown" +2920,3,"A regular always buys three shots every friday night then leaves. The bartender one day gets very curious after a couple months and finally decides to ask the man: BT: ""Why do you always order three shots first thing, drink them, then leave once done?"" Reg: ""Well, my brothers and I became separated once I moved here for business. We use to drink together all the time every Friday night to start our weekends off. So, before moving here, the three of us agreed to always have three shots each wherever we move to. This way, we can always feel like we're together."" The bartender found this to be very thoughtful and smiled. A couple weeks go by and the one night the regular purchases only two shots. The bartender immediately becomes upset and walks over to the man: BT: ""Hey, I just wanted to say, I am sorry for your loss. I know the three of you were very close and I hope you're alright."" Reg: ""What are you talking about?"" BT: ""Hmm? You told me you always got three shots so you and your two brothers always felt like you were together wherever you were. So when I saw you only get two shots and drink, I thought one of your brothers passed."" Reg: ""Oh, no no no, my brothers are fine! I just decided to quit drinking!""" +2921,1,What number do you call for emergencies in Mexico? 9-Juan-Juan +2922,0,The world is full of two kinds of people People who've had sex with my wife and people haven't. Goddammit Jennifer that first group is too big I hate you so much! +2923,2,Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills +2924,2,A man sued an airplane company for misplacing his luggage. He lost his case. +2925,1,If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be? An inside joke. +2926,4,Which Game of Thrones character doesn't stink ? Bran He is Hodorless +2927,2,What type of tea is not in outer space Gravitea +2928,0,How do you know your cellmate is a homosexual? His dick tastes like shit. +2929,1,What do you call a people eating comedian? Cannibal Buress +2930,0,Why do feminists hate rubbing the body? Because it's massage-gynistic +2931,4,"Why was the letter ""C"" afraid of all the other letters in the alphabet? All the others were Nazis" +2932,4,Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex? Because Spacey was touching kids +2933,2,What happens when you punch sound? It megahertz. +2934,2,If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof... Would you help your uncle Jack off? +2935,2,"I have bathed in the blood of virgins... Well, I had a nose bleed in the bath this morning. " +2936,2,"A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest... ...and is nearly on top of him. Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place. Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes. The bear agrees, and time resumes. The bear says, ""I wish I had the biggest penis that any bear ever had"". His wish is granted. The rabbit says, ""I wish I had a fully gassed up, brand new and ready to go Harley Davidson"". It appears. The bear's second wish is that every bear on the planet is female except for him. Jesus makes it so. The rabbit smiles, jumps on the Harley and says ""I wish the bear was gay"", and rides off into the sunset." +2937,0,An artisit woke up one day and went to his bank... He *drew* some money... +2938,0,Why don't kids in Saudi Arabia learn sex ed and driver's ed on the same day? Because the camel needs a rest too. +2939,1,Which part of his new job disappointed the cannibal? The human resources department +2940,1,"Teacher: “John, make a sentence with dandelion.” John: “The cheetah is faster dandelion.”" +2941,1,What's in Poison Ivy's underpants? Tulips. +2942,2,"I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are. Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases." +2943,1,Right next to aids. My dad often tells me im his least favorite STD +2944,0,What do you call a slutty artist? Vincent Van Hogh +2945,6,"I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out. She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster. She started running, so I started running. She started screaming, so I started screaming. I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from." +2946,1,"Dating brass players A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, ""Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"" ""Nah"", the first girl replied. ""That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."" The next night she went out with a tuba player, and on her return the roommate asked the same question. ""Ugh!"", the girl exclaimed, ""Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!"". The next night she went out with a French Horn player. ""How was this one?"" asked the roommate. ""Well"", the girl replied, ""his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!""" +2947,0,The local YMCA started a new Women’s Aquatic Class called Tandem Drowning. I guess that’s one way to Kill Two Birds with One Stone. +2948,0,"What do you call an actor who smokes a lot of methamphetamine in preparation for a role as a drug-user? A ""meth-head"" actor. (Method)" +2949,1,What’s the difference between babies and onions? I cry when I cut up onions. +2950,4,"Buddies This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. ""My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"" “Because he’s thinking of getting married...""" +2951,6,Why did God create Adam before Eve? He didn’t want any advice on how to do it +2952,3,Why don’t seagulls fly over bays? Because then they would be bagels! +2953,1,I just read Narcissus's book I could write better +2954,1,"Bob, Bob etc. A redneck woman went to the school to register her boys. The office worker asked her, ""How many children do you have?"" ""Ten,"" she replied. ""And what are their names?"" he asked. ""Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob."" ""They're ALL named Bob?"" he asked. ""What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"" ""Oh, that's easy,"" she explained, ""I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside."" ""And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"" ""I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do."" She answered. ""But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?"" he asked. ""Oh, that's easy,"" she said. ""I just use their last name." +2955,0,A white woman walks into Starbucks and orders the usual...what is it? The Manager... +2956,3,"The notes A, C, and E walk into a bar at the same time. The bartender says, ""I'm sorry, I can't serve A Minor.""" +2957,2,What type of candy do you buy for... What type of candy do you buy for a comedian? ...Snickers What type of candy do you buy for a happy horse owner? ...Jolly Rancher What type of candy do you buy for a rap star? ...M&Ms What type of candy do you buy for a divorced wife with no prenup? ...100 Grand What type of candy do you buy for hasidic wasps? ...JewJewBees What type of candy do you buy for study group? ...Nerds What type of candy do you buy for breast enhancement surgery? ...Mounds ... and finally ... What type of candy do you buy for your horny incestuous dad for fathers day? ...Blow Pops! +2958,1,"A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair.......... A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''" +2959,1,What do you call an asian cock that's reversed? A Caucasian........ MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA +2960,1,"Nixon's disease The First Lady starts having trouble in her lady areas, so she visits the gynecologist. The gynecologist takes her into the exam room and asks her what she's having trouble with, and she notes an itching sensation. So the doctor looks under a magnifying loupe and sees that she has a case of the crabs. Now he just has to break the news to her. ""Oh, God. How on earth am I gonna tell the First Lady she has crabs?"" He thinks. So, after a minute or so of awkward silence, the doctor sighs and says ""I'm very sorry ma'am, but you appear to be suffering from nixon's disease"" ""What's that?"" She asks ""Well, you have bugs in your Oval Office""." +2961,4,"Is that semen? Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says “Ooooohhh that looks like semen.” She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like semen.” The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says “It smells like semen.” Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says “It doesn't taste like anyone in this building…”" +2962,2,"What did the meditating Buddhist say to the Instagram star? ""Begone, thought!""" +2963,0,[NSFW] Why is the racist bartender always cleaning? Because he hates dirty jiggers. I'll see myself out. +2964,0,"Ya know, the weather got a little cold out during the last baseball game I went to. It was chillier than a frito pie!" +2965,1,What did Batman say to his girlfriend... Tell Me Do You Bleed? +2966,0,"A bear walks into a bar A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ""I don't serve bears here"", to which the bear responded "" If you don't serve me that drink, I'm going to eat that woman over on that stool."" The bartender says ""I don't care what you do I'm not serving you that drink."" The bear proceeds to eat the woman on the stool. The bartender looks at him and says ""So now you going to be a druggy!"" The bear says ""I don't understand what you mean."" The bartender responds ""Well that was a bar bitch you ate.""" +2967,3,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock this morning. +2968,0,What’s the most morally acceptable herb? A tarragon of virtue. +2969,0,"Need a Best Man Joke - His wife is a Doctor Hi there, I’m hoping someone can help me with a joke for a best man speech please. My friend is marrying a doctor. So I’m looking for something related to that. Or perhaps can use a Doctor joke. Ideally I would fit it into the speech. Like John got all romantic a couple of nights before the wedding and ... If that makes sense. Cheers" +2970,2,"Meanwhile, at the asylum... A man is strolling up the street when he hears a commotion across the way at the Mental Assylum. ""Fourteen!"" ""Fourteen!"" ""Fourteen!"" The cry rose from behind the walls. His curiosity aroused, he crossed the pavement to where he saw a hole in the assylum wall. He crouched to put his eye to it, where upon he was poked in the eye ! ""Fifteen!"", ""Fifteen!"", ""Fifteen!""." +2971,0,Why did Newton's wife got pregnant? Because he doesn't believe in using quantum +2972,0,"If I had a dollar for every time someone made a blonde joke at my expense, I would offer fifty cents per blond joke." +2973,1,Why was the orchestra teacher angry? Her students were pizzing her off. +2974,3,A space heater... would have to be huge. +2975,2,Jeff Dahmer was a pretty normal guy He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested. +2976,1,Just before the weekend I like to apply lots of under arm deodorant... Roll-on Friday! +2977,1,"A man takes his goldfish to the vet A man takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says ""I think my goldfish has Epilepsy"". The vet conducts a thorough examination of the goldfish. Then he says to the man ""I can't find anything wrong with this goldfish. I don't think it has Epilepsy."" To which the man replies ""well you haven't even taken him out of the bowl yet.""" +2978,1,"After years of empty promises about ""buckling down and flying right,""... .. Greece has finally set the place on fire for the insurance money." +2979,0,If I had one dollar for every joke about Ajit Pai... I would actually be able to browse the internet freely! +2980,0,"A young boy just lost his favorite car Feeling quite sad he ask his mom for help. YB: Mom! Mom: Yes dear? YB: I need help finding my car, ma!" +2981,1,Why is the Mushroom Invited to All the Parties? Because he's a fungi! +2982,0,"My father taught me how to cook, clean, and sew... And my mother taught me how to make jokes based on stereotypical gender roles." +2983,4,If I bought a balloon for $0.99... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation? +2984,2,My dick stretches from A to Z On my keyboard. +2985,2,What does 80 year old pussy taste like? Depends +2986,1,"Philosophical Q&A An angel came down for a meeting of the Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate. Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question. Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then disappeared." +2987,0,Needed to fart in the cinema. Farted during an explosion. +2988,2,"A genie and an idiot Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’ MORE: Newborn baby is abandoned in a church nativity scene " +2989,4,"'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'" +2990,0,Biggest Joke of the year Kanye West +2991,1,"Me thinking in my head: ""How can you have conversations with yourself?""" +2992,1,What do you call a gay person in France? [NSFW] A French faguette +2993,2,"Some dude was planning on stealing an airplane.. He went to an online bookstore and bought a book titled ""How to Fly an Airplane,"" he then went to the airport and somehow he was able to bypass the security. Once he was in the Airplane, he sat in the pilot's seat, opened the book and followed the instructions step by step. Eventually he was able to fly the airplane, once he was in the air he turned to the last page and saw ""Don't forget to buy the next book in this series, (How to Land an Airplane) use code PILOTE101 for 15% off your purchase."" Word has it he is still up in the sky to this day " +2994,1,"The Furious Bull in the fields..!! A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” " +2995,2,What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee? A depresso +2996,6,"A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, ""I want to be gorgeous."" God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, ""I wish they were all ugly again.""" +2997,0,"A man walks into a bar... He sits down to have a pint and notices lumps of meat hanging above the bar. He asks the barman, ""What's with the meat hanging here?"" The barman explains... ""Well if you can jump up and hit the meat, you get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round. What do you say?"" The man say, ""Hmm no, the steaks are too high.""" +2998,6,"The Irish have a way with words. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. ''What happened to you?"" asks Sean, the bartender. ""Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,"" says Paddy. ""That little sh!t, O'Conner,"" says Sean,""he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.'' ""That he did,"" says Paddy, ""a shovel is what he had,and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'' ” Well,"" says Sean, ""you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?"""" ''That I did,"" said Paddy.""Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight."" " +2999,2,It takes 2 people to make a problem My parents +3000,3,What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? Same time next month? +3001,0,What is gay people's favorite beer? Buttwider. +3002,0,"An Exchange Student Was Assigned as The Master of Ceremony for a Program Being new to 'Murica, he was not yet very fluent with the English language. They were waiting for their principal, Mrs. Smith, who was late for the event. After some time, they started the program. About five minutes in, Mrs. Smith arrived and just passed by the front of the stage to get her things from her office. The exchange student was pressured to announce the principal's arrival, not having it written on his script, he said ""announcing the arrival of our late principal, Mrs. Smith, who just passed away."" This is a popular joke from my country and just edited it for Reddit. <3" +3003,1,I like my compliments the way I like my steak. Well done. +3004,1,"A chicken goes to the library A chicken goes to the libary and asks the librarian for a ""bwok bwok"" the librarian gives the chicken a book and the chicken goes on its way. The next day the chicken comes back and give the book and ask the librarian again ""bwok bwok"" the librarian is confused at how fast the chicken could read but she give the chicken 2 more books and the chicken leaves. The next day the chicken comes back gives the books in and asks ""bwok bwok"" the librarian gives the chicken 2 books and decides to follow the chicken home. When the librarian arrives at the house she sees a frog, the chicken goes up to the frog and gives it the books the frog then says ""readit readit"" " +3005,1,"Doctor, doctor! I need a new pair of glasses! ""I can see that - this is a hotdog stand.""" +3006,0,What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste. +3007,0,What's another name for Jesus' mom's vagina? The Holy of Holes +3008,1,"Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over." +3009,3,Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest ? Acne waits till you are a teenager to come on your face +3010,1,You can tune a guitar but you can't tune a fish Unless you play bass +3011,0,Me and UFOS have something in common! Neither of us look good on camera. +3012,6,"This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, ""what are you supposed to be?"" ""A harp"", I replied. ""No, no. You're much too small to be a harp"" he protested. So I asked, ""are you calling me a lyre?"" " +3013,0,Relatable +3014,7,"Daughter's vibrator! A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?"" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, ""I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."" Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. ""What are you doing?"" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, ""I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."" A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. ""What are you doing?"" she exclaimed. He replied............""Watching the game with my son-in-law.""" +3015,3,"My monocle joke :) A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. ""Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."" So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. ""Hey you two!"" he shouts. ""Stop making spectacles of yourselves!""" +3016,0,"An Englishman puts two small potatoes in his mouth An Englishman puts two small potatoes in his mouth and by accident he inexplicably does a perfect Cockney stereotype impression. The bartender, being a cockney, berated him but also served him a drink on the house. Once drunk the accent evolved into an Irishman's. One particularly short Irishmen is very angry and hits the man across the face with a club, forcing him to spit out the potatoes. By pure coincidence his drunken profanities come out of his throbbing cheek in a perfect Scottish accent, at which point he is given a kilt and made an honorary member of three clans." +3017,1,"4 men on a tall building ready to go 4 men on a roof, japanese, mexican, black and white. The japanese guy walks to the edge and jumps off saying ""this is for my people"". Next the mexican guy walks to the edge and jumps off saying ""this is for my people"". Then the black guy walks to the edge and says ""this is for my people"", then throws the white guy off the roof." +3018,0,"Why did the Chicken cross the road? Because the road was a horrible, spiteful, bitch." +3019,2,Happy St. Patricks Day. Where we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into unconsciousness. Or as the Irish call it...breakfast. +3020,2,"Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude. Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river. One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and into the clergymen's watery enclave the waves swept a boat brimming with some of the region's most respectable women. Shrieks ensued from the shore, as the clergymen seized their towels and frantically clutched them to their private parts. All except for one--Father McAllister--who instead threw his towel over his head. The rest of the men were baffled. After the ladies' vessel departed, they asked their clerical colleague to explain his peculiar reaction. Father McAllister replied: ""I don't know about you chaps, but in this town I am generally known by my face."" " +3021,0,What do you call a terrorist who works at a soup kitchen? Osama Bin Ladling +3022,1,Why did they split up while going through all that shit? Because that’s what buttcheeks do. +3023,2,Kegels... Weird flex but okay. +3024,1,Why do Jewish people hate all the letters in the alphabet except the last one? Because they're all Nazis (not Z's). +3025,0,Just on actually... How many time travelers does it take to fix a lightbulb? +3026,1,"I met a function who was feeling sad. But once they stopped being negative on the outside, things started looking up." +3027,1,What do you call a group of friends who rob a sperm bank together? A cumrobbery... +3028,1,MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around. +3029,3,Where does steel wool come from? Dodge Rams. +3030,1,"If a hipster falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it does it make a sound? Yeah, but you've probably never heard it" +3031,6,I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. But you've probably never heard of herbivore. +3032,1,What did the oven tell the slice of bread? You're *toast*! +3033,5,Just got the job at the old McDonald farm... I'm now the CIEIO +3034,1,What’s the difference between a greyhound terminal and a lobster with tits? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean +3035,1,For everyone that's getting coal for Christmas... Maybe we can meet up and get the grill going +3036,6,Why do french people eat snails ? They don't like fast food. +3037,0,Did you hear the one about the sidewalk? It's all over town! +3038,1,"Footprints in the sand One night I dreamed a dream. As I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, One belonging to me and one to my Lord. After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints. This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. ""Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."" He whispered, ""My precious child, I love you and will never leave you Never, ever, during your trials and testing's. When you saw only one set of footprints, I thought it would be funny if we hopped.""" +3039,4,What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller. +3040,5,"A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun. He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, ""take anything you want!"" ""Open that cup of semen."" The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, ""Do it!"" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. ""Now drink it."" ""But..."" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. ""Open another."" She opens a second container. ""Now drink that one."" And she does. ""And open another one."" Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, ""now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?""" +3041,3,I lost 100 pounds in a week. I should really start spending more carefully. +3042,2,"As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”" +3043,1,"Sakurai Brings the Beta Copy of Smash Ultimate on a Cruise On the first night at sea, he finally decided try the prototype his team had been working on. After rigging up his switch, he finally opened up the box that held the precious cartridge. The problem? It was missing. In a panic, Sakurai searched the entire room, but he couldn't find it. Nintendo couldn't afford to lose something as critical as this. Within seconds, every member of the ship was up and about, searching for wherever the elusive Smash Ultimate cartridge could be. Now with the entire staff of the ship searching, they covered as much ground as they could. They checked all the cabins, the restaurants, the control room, and everything else on the interior. As the sun was beginning to set, they finally moved outside. Before night came, they managed to search the entire starboard side. However, they still couldn't find the cartridge. Many panicked phone calls went out. Nintendo couldn't afford to lose their big ticket for December. Everyone who was looking gathered to pool their knowledge, hoping that maybe somebody passed over it accidently without realizing. They racked their brains over and over, but they could only compile a list of places they knew it wasn't. Despite all their hard labor, it must have been in the one spot they hadn't checked. Of course, that meant its location had to be port." +3044,0,Why are magicians lousy reporters? They always ask trick questions. +3045,4,"A photon walks into a hotel The concierge says, ""need any help with your luggage?"" ""Nah"" says the photon. ""I'm traveling light""" +3046,2,"Despite not being a shoplifter, I know what goes through their heads. ""I'm not buying it.""" +3047,2,What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common? They usually shower after three periods. +3048,2,Why can't americans play LoL? They can't guard their towers. +3049,3,If you ever slap Dwayne Johnson's butt You've hit Rock bottom +3050,9,"What sound does a Turkey make? ""coup coup""" +3051,5,My therapist told me I have trouble interpreting social cues I think she’s hitting on me +3052,4,Dogs can't read MRI's... ...but cats can. +3053,3,I looked at my ceiling today... I don't know if it's the best ceiling but it's certainly up there +3054,0,So Angelina wants her marriage to Brad Pitt to be made Null and Voigt. +3055,0,How many nazis... does it take to save a single jew? Nein +3056,0,Italians don't die . . . . They pasta away. +3057,2,"In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet ... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their initiation. How could they forsake those vows, even with an enemy at the gates? Would they not suffer greatly for this in the next life? They asked the great Sakya for advice. He counseled them as follows: go into battle with a sword in one hand, and a white Kata scarf, a symbol of hospitality, in the other. If the Mongols can be persuaded to accept a peaceful resolution, so be it. But if they come with violence to strike you, defend yourself and strike back, and you will have bettered your situation rather than worsened it. And that is why it is said among the followers of Sakya: Riposting is the best way to get karma." +3058,1,I don't understand people who don't like nanotechnology But I guess it just needs to get under their skin +3059,1,"Here, have a joke in german Ein Witz. (Edit: Literally ""a joke"" in german)" +3060,2,What natural disaster does earth like the most? Earthquakes. They always seem to crack it up. +3061,3,What do you call a white wizard giving Santa a ride? Mithreindeer +3062,1,Knock knock! Who’s there? PANTHER Panther who? YOUR PANTHER DOWN! +3063,0,What did hungry soldiers do in the 1960s? VietNOM NOM NOM. (ba dum tish) +3064,1,"Wife's photo A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”" +3065,3,How do you throw a party in space? You planet +3066,0,"...Blonde Shakespeare! *King Lear Act 4, scene 6, 106–107* * **Gloucester:** ...""...The trick of that voice I do well remember; Is't not the King?"" * **Lear:** ...""...Ay, every inch a king!"" * **blonde:** ...""...each foot a ruler""" +3067,3,"A Lady goes to buy her grandson a fishing rod. She goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.” She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.” The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?” He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.” She paid it and left without saying a word. " +3068,1,"As the sign translator for The President was about to take his place on his podium... ... , his ”not terribly bright” assistant unwrapped and handed him a rice krispy treat. Incredulously, the sign translator asked him, “What the hell are you doing?!?!.” The faithful assistant looked up at him and said, “I saw The President eating a peanut butter sandwich back stage and I wanted it to be authentic!”" +3069,3,Anyone read the article about how masturbation will make you go blind? I'm going to need one of you to read it to me. +3070,3,"After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, ""I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened."" So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, ""Did you hear something?"" ""No!"" said the Invisible Man, ""But my ass sure hurts like hell!""" +3071,1,I’ve done a ton of fucked up shit in my life. But coke is where I draw the line. +3072,1,My friend had a stroke and half his body went dead He's all right now. +3073,6,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."" Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”" +3074,3,What's Hitler's favorite thing in the ocean? Adolfin! Where does he go to see them? NotSea World +3075,0,"Hilary Clinton is trying to appear more normal by using the subway... ..., but Bernie Sanders claims she only uses it one tenth of one percent as much as he does." +3076,1,What do you call an anti-Semitic sea mammal? Adolfin. +3077,4,I like my women like I like my coffee So hot I fill them with creme in 3 seconds +3078,2,"I was born handsome, charming witty and wise I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out." +3079,3,Why don't astronauts take anything seriously? They don't grasp the gravity of the situation... +3080,2,"What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior? ""Hmm, something's Amish here."" " +3081,1,What's the difference between Jonah's wife and a whale? One of them swallows. +3082,0,How did a hipster burn his tongue? He sipped the coffee before it was cool. +3083,4,"how many cops does it take to push a black man down stairs? none, he ""fell""" +3084,4,"Favorite lame chemistry joke Argon walks into a bar, bartender says, ""Hey, we don't serve noble gasses here"". Argon didn't react" +3085,0,"A text exchange between me the black friend and the Asian friend. So the black friend joins this chat app and the Asian friend says: ""Can you use a normal fucking name?"" and the black friend says ""Can you have normal fucking eyelids?"" Asian Friend: ""BACK TO THE FARM!"" Black Friend: ""Worth it!""" +3086,2,Where do you keep lollipops? The licker cabinet +3087,1,What did the cactus wear with their suit? A cactie. +3088,1,The only advertisement a pothead notices... Are propa-ganja. +3089,0,"A Soviet Man is filling out a form. The first box that he must fill out asks him where he was born. He writes: ""Saint Petersburg."" The second box asks him where he went to school. He writes: ""Petrograd."" The third box asks him where he works today. He writes: ""Leningrad."" The fourth box asks him where he would like to retire. He writes: ""Saint Petersburg.""" +3090,2,"Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome... Actually, it makes a vas deferens." +3091,10,"My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the ""telephone"" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, ""That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!""" +3092,2,what did the cannibal do after dumping his gf? Wipe his ass. +3093,0,I have a really funny joke about narcolepsy (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) +3094,0,"What if the Super Tuesday results were actual soups? Alabama • 53 delegates The Democrats here elevated a classic cream of mushroom, picking mostly Hen of the Woods while the overwhelming majority of Republicans here insisted on drinking the Kool-Aid, even though the beverage is technically not a soup in any way. Arkansas • 32 delegates The Republicans were presented with a fountain of hot spring water, in which a small ham was placed. They were very proud of their ingenuity. A consomé of edamame was most popular among the Democrats, however a few faithfully subsisted on some muscadines they tried to grow in office. Alaska • 28 delegates Republicans flip flopped around in a Shark Fin Soup but we have to wait until March 26th to know how the Democrats prefer their Ceviche. Colorado • 66 delegates All of the soup in Colorado is excellent, no jokes here. The Democrats were going to make the best decision and they did. By the time July rolls around, the Republicans’ soup will old and smelly in the fridge and it will probably not be edible. Georgia • 102 delegates The Republican party had more ham but the FCC might be fining $1000 for failure to identify what animals they actually ate. The chickenhawk & dumplings was the Democratic favorite. Massachusetts • 91 delegates Democrats came up with a neat idea to use razor clams in a New England chowder but they settled on a she-crab soup instead. Republicans gobbled the guk. Minnesota • 77 delegates In a refreshing change for Republican diners, Ajiaco was the crowd favorite while Democrats feasted on Lutefisk. Oklahoma • 38 delegates While the state is still searching for its signature soup, Republicans went with a prociutto-wrapped jelly donut. The bacon end got burnt, and the belly came up on top. For the Democrats, it was a Coffee Party USA, they swept in on a wind Dean Dozen of the plain, cake donuts- the best of the donuts. Tennessee • 67 delegates A coalition was formed to procure a spread of country hams for the Republicans. Diners preferred the taste of animals that were willing to be slaughtered. Sanders supporters got tired of soup too so they started pouring bourbon to accompany neglected goo goos clusters while the majority of the Democrats imagined a future of lame duck soup noodles in a blue bowl. Texas • 222 delegates Lunch pail democrats we’re not pleased with their party’s decision to go with Mrs. Grass as the golden nugget has been discontinued. Republicans opted for their shelf staple, Campbell’s Chunky Barbecue Seasoned Pork. Vermont • 16 delegates The grassroots vegetable soup stole the show on the Democratic menu here. In a Frankenfood alternative, Republicans opted for the Government cheddar cheese dip. Virginia • 95 delegates Democrats decided to start smoking, they thought it was more enjoyable than than eating too much. The Republican party obviously decided to split up a Virginia ham, but there was a hair in it. There you go again." +3095,3,How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool. +3096,0,"For all of you serving in the military. An army ranger needs a pair of leather boots, but instead of going to the store to buy some he decides he would like to make his own. The army ranger goes down to the swamps in Louisiana and decides to rent a boat and go hunt an alligator to make his boots with. As he is leaving the man he rented the boat from tells him to keep an eye out for two marines that where down there doing the same thing, but had been gone for a few days. The army ranger is now deep into the swamp when he notices a bank with about 20 dead gators laying on it belly up. He then sees the two marines wading about waste deep in the water with a gator swimming up behind them. He tells them to watch out and one of the marines pulls out his knife turns around and jumps on the alligator. He struggles with it for a little while but manages to kill it without getting himself hurt. The marine then drags the gator on the bank with the rest of the dead alligators flips it over and yells damnit. The army ranger asks him what’s wrong and the marine says this one doesn’t have boots on it either. " +3097,5,"A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks ""OMG! What's wrong with your feet?"" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies ""When I was a kid I contracted toelio."" The bride replied ""Don't you mean polio?"" The man says ""No. Toelio. It affected my feet."" Both continue to get undressed. As the man pulls down his pants the woman shrieks ""OMG! What happened to your knees?"" The man responded ""Yeah. When I was a kid I contracted the kneesles."" The bride asked ""Don't you mean the measles?"" The husband, having the worst looking knees she'd ever seen replied ""No the kneesles. It affected my knees."" Next to come off were their underwear. The wife seeing his penis for the first time exclaimed ""Wait! Don't tell me. When you were a kid you had small cocks.""" +3098,1,"CNN & NBC news report (political humor) *Breaking news* A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan. Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling ""Allah Akbar"" and ""Death to Infidels"" while shooting people before police came and killed the man. It is troubling that the man was killed because without questioning him we may never be know the motive for this tragic workplace violence. " +3099,5,"Want a slutty costume? Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important " +3100,1,"A drunk man looking at his empty bottle of beers... Drunk : ( picking up 1 empty bottle ) You're the reason my wife left me! ( then throws it on the wall ) Then he picks up another empty bottle. Drunk : You're the reason my children left me! Then throws it against the wall! Then he picks up another empty bottle. Drunk : You're the reason i lost my house! Then throws it against the wall! Then he picks up an unopened bottle of beer. Drunk : There, There, it's alright , you have nothing to do with any of this" +3101,0,I like my women like I like my old timey tobacco pipes Curvy and remind me of grandpa. +3102,3,What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? Phelps can finish a race. +3103,0,"I applied to join the US Army when I was 17 It took a lot of digging, but I found a place that didn't ask for your age when signing the enlistment form. So I applied that same day. The next day I received the results in the e-mail, which was much quicker than I was expecting. All it said was that I was denied entry for being underage. Being quite frustrated, I asked how they knew about my age, considering they never asked for my birthdate, age, ANYTHING. 2 hours later, I got a very short response back. ""Under the box that asks for your sex, you wrote 'yes please'""" +3104,4,"A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican... A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude. ""Quick!"" says the Scotsman, ""We need to lose some weight, fast."" He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side. ""Why did you do that?"" says the American. ""That stuff's expensive."" ""It's fine, in my country we have plenty more whisky."" replies the Scotsman. After a few minutes they realise that the balloon is still dropping fast. The Mexican tosses his case of quality tequila over the side. ""Why did you do that?"" shouts the American. ""It's okay, man. In Mexico we have plenty more tequila."" says the Mexican. Sadly, this wasn't enough, and they continue to descend. The American seizes an opportunity, and launches the Mexican off of the side of the basket. ""Why did you do that?"" screams the shocked Scotsman. ""He fucked my wife"", says the American." +3105,0,"Letters love Wife: ""How would you describe me?"" Husband: ""ABCDEFGHIJK."" Wife: ""What does that mean?"" Husband: ""Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."" Wife: ""Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"" Husband: ""I'm just kidding!""" +3106,0,I have a pen..... I have a apple :D +3107,0,"I asked my musician friend a question... Me: ""Hey dude, who let the dogs out?"" Musician Friend: ""Bach, bach, bach, bach.""" +3108,0,what did the sperm bank owner say to the tired worker overfilling the truck with samples? take a load off +3109,0,What do you call the spot on the ground just bellow the red keep? King's Landing +3110,1,What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gags* +3111,1,"One-night stands are great with drummers As opposed to guitarists, there's no strings attached." +3112,1,What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood? Spa-ghetto. +3113,1,"So a duck walks into a bar Walks up to the bartender and asks, ""Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"" Bartender looks a little puzzled and replies ""No, I don't have any chap stick. You need a drink?"" The duck doesn't say anything and walks out of the bar. The next day around the same time the duck goes back into the bar and asks ""Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"" Bartender gets a little irritated. ""You were just here yesterday. No, I don't have any chap stick."" The duck silently walks out of the bar. The next day the same time the duck walks back in the bar and asks the bartender, ""Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"" The bartender gets mad at this point and threatens, ""If you come in here one more time without ordering a drink I'm going to nail your bill to the wall."" The duck walks out of the bar. The next day the duck comes back again. This time the bartender is furious. Casually the duck walks over to the bar and asks, ""Hey bartender, got a nail?"" Puzzled, the bartender replies, ""No, why?"" ""Got any chap stick?"" " +3114,1,"have you ever tasted african food? don't worry if you haven't, neither have they" +3115,0,Literaly +3116,2,How do you castrate a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the jaw +3117,3,How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand. +3118,2,"It's a man's 80th birthday His buddies decide to hire him a call girl as a gift. The wheel him into a hotel room and on the bed is a gorgeous blonde. His buddies leave the room and she says ""I'm here to give you super sex!"". The old man looks at her and says ""I'll take the soup""." +3119,1,"The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map. They are naming the bombs ""Son of Sam"" and ""Jack the Ripper."" They're Syria killers." +3120,0,"A couple A couple always says ""doing homework"" when they want to have some sex. One day, the wife texted her husband, ""Do you want to do some homework with me? "" The husband texted back, ""No, I have some extra work to do. "" The next day, he felt guilty for his rudeness, so he texted his wife, ""Sorry ,but do you want to do the homework tonight? "" The wife texted back almost immediately, ""Nah, I found a tutor. """ +3121,0,What's the difference between strange jizz and you? Your mother doesn't love you. +3122,4,"Non-kosher Rabbi One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he’s the rabbi, he can’t risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he’s waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they’re saying hello, the Rabbi’s pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it’s mouth. As it’s placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: “My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!”" +3123,1,"Waiting My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, ""What time does Jesus get here?"" " +3124,1,"What kind of night is it, during which you get satisfying oral sex? A suckcessful one!" +3125,2,I have a step-ladder... One day i hope to find my real ladder. +3126,4,What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent +3127,2,People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you. Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you +3128,4,"Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best... ...it was the Bonaparte." +3129,0,Bacon Packaging Lies Bacon packaging is always way off about the amount in the package. Says 24 pieces but we only end up with like 10 sitting at the table. +3130,0,"Did you guys know that on football teams in China, the snapper is one of the most highly coveted, and highest paid positions on the team? Once you find your center, you are sure to win" +3131,4,"Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour. " +3132,0,"I'm dying my hair today- me ""Don't kill it!"" - Dad" +3133,4,"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married ten times?"" ""Well"", she replied, ""Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"" ""Good,"" said the new husband, ""but, why?"" ""You're a lawyer."" she said, ""This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!""" +3134,0,I have been to r/fallout . It not as toxic as they told me. It’s a radioactive +3135,4,"Disappointed by my family tree Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch." +3136,1,"I wrote a song for a Tortilla. Well, it's more of a Wrap." +3137,0,There once was a dog witg 3 legs He lift 1 up to pee and fell down +3138,1,What is a statistician's favorite shoe brand? Converse +3139,1,"If at first you don't succeed... Well, there goes your skydiving career." +3140,0,When I first heard about peanuts not being nuts I thought they were pulling my legume +3141,8,"Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with those two assholes!”" +3142,0,A wife message her husband : don't forget to bring me the dress and Carole says hi The husband: who is Carole. The wife: just wanted to be sure you read the message. +3143,0,Let's talk about fractures It's a painful subject +3144,6,Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve? Because it wasn't apparent who did it. +3145,2,Don't die a virgin Because there are terrorists waiting for you. +3146,2,Parallel lines have so much in common But it's a shame they will never meet. +3147,0,So a horse walks into a bar. And The bartender says ‘why the long face?’ +3148,0,What's the most common view of porn? In HD. +3149,5,I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating. They're remarkable. +3150,4,"Little Johnny gets on the pubic bus and sits right behind the bus driver. He keeps saying,"" If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."" The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to Little Johnny, saying, ""What if your mom was a whore and your dad was a queer?"" Little Johnny responds, ""Then I'd be a bus driver.""" +3151,0,Why didn't Reddit allow John Constantine to post his original joke in r/jokes? Because it belonged to r/metajokes. +3152,7,My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily.......... Well I Better get back to it.... +3153,2,"[LONG]A boy and his Father drive through the Red District. The boy sees two women on a street corner, he asks his dad : '' Dad what are they doing? '' Taken aback by his son's question, the father replies : '' Humm, they sell... happiness...'' Later that day, back home, the boy hears his parents arguing. Sad, he gets an idea. The boy breaks his piggy bank, takes all his saving and runs off to the Red District. When he arrives at the street corner, he asks the two women if he could buy a bit of happiness for his 40 bucks. The women look at him confused, look at each others and agree that they can't pass on 40$ So the women bring the boy to their apartment nearby and ask him what would really make him happy. The boy tells them that he loves Nutella and would enjoy toasts. The women agree and make the boy 2 Nutella toasts. Happy, the boy pays the women and goes back home. As soon as he steps in his father hurries to the door and ask him where he was : '' Where were you??? I looked for you everywhere!'' The son replies : '' I went to the women we saw earlier because I needed some hapinness.'' Upon realizing who his son went to see, the father panics : '' Son what did they do to you???'' The son, with a huge smile, replies : '' Don't worry Dad, I was done after the first one so I just licked the second.''" +3154,2,What is it called when a tree has spine problems? ScoliOAKsis. +3155,2,Just to brighten your day.... The urge to sing “A Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away.. a whim away... a whim away. +3156,2,What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing +3157,4,What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? [Choking Noises] +3158,3,"A Marine   A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Squad Leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, ""I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum-bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back, ""Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said, ""Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, ""Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi! And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.   " +3159,2,"when you make coffee for someone and put in milk ""actually, I prefer my coffee black"" ""it's too latte for that now""" +3160,4,"A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, ""Is it true what Rita just told me?"" ""What's that?"" asks her mother. ""That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"" said her daughter. ""Yes it is dear!"" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ""But then, when I have a baby,"" responded the teenager, ""won't it knock my teeth out?""" +3161,0,"Man is selling a chicken for $10,000 Everyone asks him, what's so special about the chicken that it costs $10,000? Nothing, he replies. I just need the money. (Stolen from a Belorussian friend)" +3162,0,"A boy asks the girl hes in love with out to prom. To his surprise she says yes, now he has 2 days to prepare. First he went to get a tuxedo, unfortunately thanks to prom being so soon there was a long tuxedo line, he waited for a while and eventually got it. Next he went to buy a bouquet of flowers, once again due to it being prom week there was a long flower line, he waited for a while again and eventually got his flowers. Lastly he went to rent a limo, But with prom rapidly approaching, many others were there preparing at the last minute. As he waited in the limo line he took time to plan out what he will do on the night, and he eventually rented his limo. At the prom, the boy and the girl of his dreams had just finished up their slow dance, the girl became a little thirsty (you can probably imagine where this is going ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)), so she pointed at the bathroom door which was behind the refreshments table and asked him to get them some drinks. He went over to get some punch and there was no punchline." +3163,2,"How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris. We don't know, its never been tried." +3164,0,I caught my wife cheating once. I could have won if not for her. +3165,2,I wanted to step up my squash game... So I bought a bigger hammer. +3166,5,"Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, ""How'd you get a cork in your ass?"" The other guy says, ""I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."" And I said, ""No shit.""" +3167,2,6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood +3168,0,Why does pussy have hair around it? To hide the hook. +3169,3,Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? His pants fit like a glove +3170,1,"Here's a joke you can use. Say ""I know a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start."" They:knock knock You: who's there ""Leaves the person stunned by the joke""" +3171,2,You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now. Just delete your reddit account. +3172,6,Why can’t a T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because they are extinct. +3173,4,"An elephant picks up a white rabbit An elephant picks up a white rabbit after taking a dump. It asks the rabbit: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The rabbit says no and the elephant wipes his bum with it. The next day the elephant picks up a squirrel after eating. It asks the squirrel: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The squirrel also says no and the elephant wipes his mouth with it. After putting the squirrel down, it climbs up to his ear and whispers: “I was the rabbit from yesterday”" +3174,3,Did you hear about the gummy bear with only one leg? He lost the other one in Nom. +3175,0,What does an elephant needs when he has the runs ? Space. Lots of space. +3176,0,Eating khebab with the person who paid for them can be very stressful... ... you have to wait till they pick one before u can also pick one. +3177,4,What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius? 0K boomer +3178,1,I wanted to say a joke about Mexico But I didn't want to cross the line. +3179,0,I once attended a music concert. My mom told me to stay out of treble. +3180,5,"A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks ""Why the long face?"" ""I play flute in a travelling orchestra"" he said. ""Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in. Last week, we played for the German kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in. Yesterday, we played for the Russian czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered to shove our instruments up our asses. The drum didn't get in, the cello didn't get in, this piece of trash went in all the way to B flat!""" +3181,1,"Somebody threw Skittles at me and said, ""Taste the rainbow."" So I threw M&M's at them and replied, ""I'm not afraid!""" +3182,7,"Why did the Mexicans ignore the ""No Trespassing"" sign? It was just the two of them." +3183,1,"Whoever thought of the idea of the french revolution was very thorough while the concept was mostly raw, the execution was flawless" +3184,0,"A cop pulls a guy over and when the driver stops, the cop slurrs: ""Y-you... Y-you're DRUNK!"" The guy respons: ""Ho-how can you tell?"" Barely able to speak straight. ""Because \\*hiccup\\* ... because you have TWO DRIVING WHEELS!"" says the cop. The guy slowly reasons it out - ""And you had me surrouned just for that!?""" +3185,7,What do you call a woman who can't draw? Tracy +3186,1,Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss... It blinked. +3187,2,"joke 4 joke Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception." +3188,2,"Christmas Joke While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?” He promptly replied, “Another train.”" +3189,4,"What did the baby corn say to mom corn? ""Where's popcorn?""" +3190,0,I got some kind of sickness the other day. I'm finally getting down with it. +3191,1,My girlfriend said she hates giving me oral sex... At least I think that's what she was trying to say... +3192,4,"A genius high school chemistry student takes a test A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was ""how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have?"" In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2. Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach, and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears! The genie thunders, ""I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?"" The student immediately replies, ""I wish I had gotten that question right,"" and the universe explodes. **x-post from r/ScienceHumour**" +3193,1,"Its my wife’s birthday tomorrow.. Its my wife’s birthday tomorrow so i asked her what gift i should get her. She said “I would really love if you bought me a parrot”. So i go on down to the pet store and ask the store owner if he has any parrots. He said “Mate we are fully sold out of parrots, but i will show you this Australian frog if you like. You’ll have to come out the back to have a look is all.” I thought i might as well have a look. So on we go to the back of the shop and he pulls out this frog and pulls his pants down. To my surprise the frog jumps on his cock and starts sucking him off. “Ill take it!” I proclaim almost immediately. I give her the present in a gift wrapped little box the next day and she opens it, she looks at me and says “This isnt a parrot.” To which i reply “Yes i know, now teach it to cook and then fuck off.”" +3194,0,What is Homer Simpson's favourite ice cream? Cookie DOH! +3195,2,"I noticed at my bookstore that the ""Kama Sutra"" and ""The Art of the Deal"" are both in the erotica section According to the bookstore, ""The Art of the Deal"" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions." +3196,1,Your hear your friends arguing after the exam whether the answer was 12 or 13... but your answer was South Africa +3197,0,What did the leftist eat on his holyday in Italy? Antifapasti +3198,1,"A man walks into a bar He sits by the counter and orders the bar's special drink. After two shots he jumps out of the window,and comes back through the main entrance few minutes later.Another man then asks him - ""Wow! We're on like 5th floor. How did you not even break a bone upon falling?""He replied - ""The bar's special drink is magical. If you drink two shots and fall,your feet will stop right before hitting the ground and slowly put you back down.""The man nodded and said - ""I need to try this!"" then drank two shots of bar's special drink and threw himself out of the window. He instantly died hitting the ground.Then the barman said to the first man - ""You're such a Jerk,Superman!"" ~~I apologize if this joke was already posted here.~~" +3199,0,"A thief in a bank. With a mass of debts and a starving family, the thief made his way through the bank. The thief never doubted his abilities. Ever heard of the twenty thousand dollars stolen from the Federal Reserve? Exactly. As he scurried around the halls looking for the vault, he thought of his former home ablaze in what can’t be called an accident. The thought of the multitude of dollars and coins in the vault pushed him as he attempted to navigate the seemingly repeating halls. Making way down stair case after case after case, an unmarked floor seemed to be the gates to a promised land. The legal tender would be his for the taking. Thousands of pieces of paper containing green ink and a sense of empowerment. As he trampled the seldom touched tile floor, he began to think of all the opportunities the stolen cash would bring him. He got closer to the unmarked door that contained the vault. Closer still. Again. The simple wooden door was no obstacle. He crept right through. A heavenly glow of fluorescent lamps convinced him what he was doing was right. Moments later, there it was. The bronze vault door. A steel circle, weighing around 22 tons, would be the only challenge. He was getting closer. The thoughts of money were coursing through his A security guard noticed the theft. The only thought that went through the guard’s mind was “hmm, a cockroach. I had better squash it.”" +3200,0,Why don't you want to make a chilli mad? Because they'll get jalapeno face! +3201,3,What is the worst ice breaker? The Titanic. +3202,2,How do you get Donald Trump to visit a memorial in the rain? Tell him the forecasts predict golden showers. +3203,1,Why did Israel's military refuse to buy the 3D image projector? Because of how much the holo cost. +3204,4,I have loads of jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work. +3205,2,"Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first one shouts, 'How do I get to the other side?' The second one replies 'You are already on the other side!'" +3206,1,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change anything" +3207,1,How can you fix a short circuit? Lengthen it +3208,2,I couldn't live with my mistakes anymore... So I became a bomb disposal technician +3209,3,TIL lions can jump higher than houses This is due to the fact that houses are not able to jump +3210,0,I passed out in a chicken restaurant They told me to get the cluck up. +3211,2,"Roses are Red, Violets are Blue I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." +3212,0,"For the first time in 71 years, Cubs NLCS shirts will not be shipped to a third world country to be given away to the needy. Not really as much of a joke as it is the truth, but I don't care, the Cubs are going to the World Series! Woot woot! Go Cubs Go!" +3213,0,A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar... A bystander finds them both unconscious from brain trauma and calls an ambulance. +3214,0,Knock knock. Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock. \\*nom\\* That's what you get for being so rude. +3215,1,"When a Woman gets a haircut... Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah. " +3216,0,It’s Not Christmas It’s Grinchtmas And the green guy’s name is Chris +3217,1,My brothers and I were sitting around making up jokes about fruit. Here is mine: What fruit is dyslexic and asks to do things? A persimmon. +3218,1,Do you know what's the difference between gays and fridges? Fridge doesn't fart when you take out the weiner +3219,3,I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak. I just want to make myself clear. +3220,3,"Cop: ""Anything you say can and will be held against you."" Me: ""Scarlett Johansson.""" +3221,1,"The Window Washer So there was this window washer who was asked if the glass he was washing was opaque and he replied it wasn't clear. His friend sees the remark as funny and asks if he had meant to make a pun and the window washer says, ""Nope, unintended""" +3222,0,I think it's a better idea to stick to defense since I don't see us winning this. No offense. +3223,0,Everyone always says I have a good memory. I guess an elephant really never does forget. +3224,4,Math is like another language 2n+2n is 4n to me +3225,1,"In Hospital Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine.""" +3226,5,"Lecture An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, ""I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."" The officer asks, ""Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"" The man replies, ""My wife.""" +3227,2,"One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received? The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.” When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.” When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.” Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits." +3228,7,Apple announced a breast implant that plays music... The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them. +3229,1,"Peter, John, and Jesus are at the driving range Peter, John, and Jesus are at the driving range. Peter and John just bought brand new Callaway clubs, and invited Jesus to come with as they tested them out. Peter and John were loving their new clubs, especially how far they could drive with their new drivers. So they turned to Jesus and Peter said, ""Lets do a two versus two match, John and I will be one team, and you can pick anyone here for your partner."" As he said this all three turned to look at the rest of the hot shot golfers at the driving range. Seeing nobody that he wanted for a partner, Jesus turned toward the putting range and saw an old man working on his putting game. Jesus said; ""I'll choose him for my partner."" Both Peter and John gave him funny looks, but not wanting to offend Jesus, just replied ""Alright then, lets get started."" At the first hole, Peter goes first. Since he just got done at the driving range, he was thoroughly warmed up and had an excellent drive. His ball landed on the green of a par 4 about 30 feet from the hole. Next was John, and not being quite as good as Peter, he landed his ball a bit short of the green, but still a very good drive. Now it was Jesus's turn. Jesus was still using his old clubs, and he hadn't been golfing as much and Peter and John. He swung, and as soon as his club hit the ball, he knew it was a bad shot. His ball was flying straight for the water trap on the right side. Just when it was a foot off the water a trout jumped, hitting the ball strait up in the air. At the peak of the balls upward trajectory, an eagle flew by grabbing the ball with its talon's as it flew toward the green. Once over the green, it dropped the ball about 4 feet from the hole. As the ball landed a squirrel, nervous of the eagle, decided to dash to safety on the other side of the green, running into the ball on the way and knocking it into the hole. It was Jesus's first hole in one. Peter and John were speechless. Jesus turned to his partner and said ""Thank you, Father.""" +3230,2,To be Frank I'd have to change my name. +3231,0,I just met a girl named Denny with the sexiest butt I've ever seen. I'm over the moon for that hammy. +3232,0,Everyone has some goal. And that’s someone’s hole. +3233,2,I had two feet of my lower intestine removed. Now I only have a semicolon. +3234,0,"[Long] A Bus Full of Nuns is Hit By A Train And all of them are killed. Standing in line at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks the first nun, ""Sister Mary Francis, I know you're a bride of Christ but to enter Heaven you must be pure. I must ask, have you ever touched a penis?"" Sister Mary Francis frowns and casts her eyes down. ""I cannot lie to you St. Peter, I have. I once touched one with the tip of my finger to see what it felt like."" Peter says, ""You must be purified. Dip the offending finger in the basin of Holy Water and you may enter Heaven."" Peter then turns to the next nun in line. ""Sister Mary Anne, have you ever touched a penis?"" Sister Mary Anne cast her eyes down, ""Yes Saint. I have. I once massaged one with my right hand."" ""Sister, you must be purified,"" Peter said, ""dip your hand in the basin of Holy Water and you may enter Heaven."" Peter turned to the next nun in line, but before he could say anything there was a loud commotion as a nun from the back of the line came running toward St. Peter yelling for him to wait. He turned to her, ""Sister Mary Catherine, whatever is the matter?"" Mary Catherine stopped in front of him and said, ""Look, St. Peter, I understand that I must be purified to get into Heaven, but if I'm gonna have to gargle that Holy Water, I'm doing it before Mary Victoria here sticks her ass in it.""" +3235,3,I told my therapist that I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a therapist. +3236,1,"Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them... Except up, he's never going to give you up." +3237,2,"A mathematician and an engineer got a task: They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank. The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out. The mathematician after some thought said: ""The case with nail hammered all the way in is more interesting, so I'm going to start with it"" After long battle he managed to use a lever and get the nail out. ""Ok, the second case we can easily reduce to already solved one"" ...and then he hammered the remaining nail all the way in." +3238,2,"On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working ""Why $2k?"" I asked." +3239,0,My life is like a knock knock joke... I just can't wait for it to be over. +3240,1,"My girlfriend emailed me pictures of the first trip we took together, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I might have serious emotional attachment issues." +3241,2,Why didn’t Cain build a house for his father? He was not Abel +3242,0,"Three guys walk into a meta bar An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, ""What is this - some kind of joke?"" The Englishman says, ""Yeah, we're getting featured in reddit's /r/jokes sub again and they're doing Meta Jokes today.""" +3243,0,"Alfred: Your bathwater's ready in the bathroom, sir. Batman: We've been over this, Alfred. BATwater. BATroom." +3244,1,"Man tells doctor he can't feel his legs The doctor replies with, ""I know, I amputated your arms.""" +3245,1,What's worse than ants in your pants? Your uncle +3246,2,"My therapist told me to write letters to all the people who'd ever hurt me and then burn them I did that, but what do I do with the letters?" +3247,0,what does a Jew and pizza have in common ? They both go in the oven +3248,3,A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke. He had a one night stand. +3249,3,"A little rabbit is running happily through the forest... ... when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, ""Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, ""Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. ""Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!"" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, ""Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."" The lion answers, ""That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!""" +3250,1,What is it called when a bunch of people are killed with a tamale? A MASAcre +3251,2,"I went to the zoo the other day, all they had was a small dog. It was a shit-zoo." +3252,0,What do you call African spaghetti? Serengeti +3253,0,"Please remove your blouse and bra, says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck. When she is ready, the doc says, ""Big breaths."" ""Yeth,"" she replies, ""and I'm only thixthteen!""" +3254,0,I tried telling my friend about natural laxatives But he still wouldn't give a shit. +3255,4,"A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: ""You must be single."" The man answers: ""Wow, how did you know?"" Cashier: ""Because you're ugly.""" +3256,1,Before I married my wife I was incomplete Now I'm finished +3257,0,What do you call the bit between the entrance and exit of Nandos? The peri perineum. +3258,2,What do you get when you put a lift kit on a supra Suprised I’ll see myself out. +3259,0,"[NSFW] 4 men go to a bar... The group is made up of an optimist, a pessimist, a scientist and a priest. The men sit down and order drinks. The priest is really thirsty and downs half a glass of water. At this moment the old problem arises: Is the glass half full or half empty? The optimist starts the discussion by telling the others that the priest's glass is half full. The pessimist is quick to disagree and tells the group that the glass is half empty. The scientist makes up his mind for a few seconds and comes up with an answer of his own: the glass is full, filled with equal parts water and equal parts air. Suddenly the priest chimes in and says: „No clue what you're talking about, I just wanna fuck a child!“" +3260,1,What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination? Haaaaannnnndd eeeyyyyyyeeeeee +3261,1,I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was She Said If She Told Me It Would Defeat The Purpose. +3262,0,When is a door not a door? When it's a Labrador. +3263,2,Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race? In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts. +3264,0,"Two gay condoms walk into a bar. One of them says to the other, “Hey wanna get shitfaced?”" +3265,0,Water and I had a falling out After trying to drown me +3266,1,"One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son Son scowls and said: ""Mommy I told you I hate salad!"" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground. Mom angrily responds: ""Oh you salad tosser!""" +3267,2,"If I got a penny everytime . . . If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich. " +3268,0,"The teacher asked the class to make up a poem. Mrs. Krabappel asked the class to make up a poem with the word fascinate in it. Millhouse was up first and he said, ""I really like my mom, I think that she is great, she tells us lots of stories that always fascinate."" ""Good job Millhouse"" she said, ""Ok who's next?"" Lisa put up her hand and was called up. ""My step-grampa was in the war and even though were not related, he also tells me stories and I am always fascinated"" ""Great job Lisa, you even used it in the past tense by adding ed !"" Mrs. Krabappel asked who was next and Ralph put up his hand. ""Ok Ralph, you're next."" Ralph walks to the front with a big grin, turns and clears his throat and says, ""I trieded to dress myself today and thats something that I hate, my shirt had 14 buttons but I could only fasten eight"" " +3269,1,19 A prime joke +3270,1,I created a new joke and a new word today Plagiarism +3271,0,What did one craft beer say to the other after their boxing match? How's your mouthfeel? +3272,2,"I dropped my new girlfriend off after our first date. She said she hoped I didn't expect sex or a blow job off her so soon after meeting . She said she liked to make a guy wait at least six months before doing stuff like that . I said ""I totally understood and respected her decision on that kind of thing, and would give her a ring in 6 months time""." +3273,1,At an art exhibition a critic approaches the artist (Critic) Would you like my opinion on this painting? It is worthless. (Artist) I know. But please share it anyway. +3274,4,"They say you can choke on a tea-spoon of water, so I thought I'd test it out... The water went down fine, but the spoon nearly killed me." +3275,3,"A man visits a whorehouse in Japan A man goes on a trip to Japan to see some friends. His buddy tells him about this whorehouse on a corner downtown. He goes to the address, nervously he knocks on the door. A peephole opens up, ""what can I do for you?"" The man answers ""I want to get fucked"" ""Slide $50 under the door."" The man slides a $50 bill under the door and waits. After a few moments, nothing happens. The man knocks again, angry. ""What is it this time?"" the man behind the door says. ""I said I want to get fucked!"" The man behind the door replies ""Again?!""" +3276,3,"A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, ""I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"" The Madam is astonished. ""But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."" The trucker replies, ""Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick.""" +3277,0,What kind of file... makes a hole go from o to O? A Paedophile +3278,0,"The most toxic community... Of course, Britney Spears is the person with the most Toxic community..." +3279,0,"A voice from my girlfriend's breasts kept telling me ""You can do it!"" and ""We're behind you all the way!"" Turns out she was wearing a support bra." +3280,2,"What should you do when you see your girl smoking? Slow down, use lube and try again." +3281,0,What do you call an orgy in a clown car? A tight fit. +3282,0,"The conversation between vegetables and fruits.... Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic, please? ​" +3283,2,I didn't know that I have baby cannibals in my basement. Until I stopped feeding them. +3284,4,What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig The F +3285,0,What's a pirates favourite mean of fixing paper together? Treasury tags. +3286,6,"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital... ""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.""" +3287,0,"So a manager goes up to his accountant And says ""you need to show more interest in your work. It is directly related to our profitability"" The accountant says ""how so? I'm just an accountant"" The manager replies "" the more interest you show the lesser tax we have to pay.""" +3288,0,"Me: ""I can do black magic"" Friend: ""Show me then"". Me: *Waves arms and nothing happens* Friend: ""Your magic doesn't work"" Me: ""Exactly""" +3289,0,"[NSFW]As your girlfriend is finishing up giving you a blowjob, she asks for some cash for a necklace. You respond: Jesus, girl, you're sucking me dry!" +3290,2,"How can you tell if your son is gay? Ask him to go to a football game. If he can't go, because he's busy sucking his boyfriend's dick, he might be gay." +3291,2,"I make fun of my parents for not knowing how to use new technology But then again, I googled how to boil an egg" +3292,1,My doctor advised me to quit doing Viagra. It was not very hard. +3293,0,Why are Toblerones shaped that way? So it fits in the box. +3294,0,Two guys who vape walk into a bar I only know because they're naked on the bar blowing their vapes up each others' assholes right now. +3295,0,"A guy is walking down the street when he trips and falls He groans as his elbow is scratched up. A woman walking by turns to him and says “stop whining, you aren’t a dog.” The man turns back and says, “stop being a bitch, you aren’t a dog”" +3296,0,Now that Harriet Tubman is on the $20... Is it only worth $12? +3297,1,"What do you tell someone annoying you need a moment? One sec, cunt." +3298,0,If you’re fully able bodied Clap your hands.. +3299,1,"There was a man in Tallahassee that owned a talking dog There was a man in Tallahassee that owned a talking dog. One of the richest men in town offered to buy the dog for $1,000,000 if the dog actually talked. The multi-millionaire visited the old man and his dog one day, and the old man began quizzing the dog in order to show him off. Man: “What do you call this over our heads?” Dog: “Roof” Man: “what covers the outside of a tree?” Dog: “Bark” Man: “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog: “Roof” The millionaire knew that the dog couldn’t really talked, so he stormed out of the house. The dog looked at the old man and said, “What did he want me to say? Ruth?”" +3300,0,I had to give up masochism I was enjoying it too much. +3301,2,"What does broccoli & anal have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult " +3302,2,What's yellow and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono +3303,3,"Is your refrigerator running? Because if so, I might vote for it." +3304,2,"There are 10 types of people... There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't ." +3305,0,"I once had a friend named Chance... But he was just too damn unreliable... I'll show myself out, stage right" +3306,0,How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway shopping cart? You take the S out of Safe and the F out of way +3307,1,My sister told me she's decided to pursue a career in training dolphins I guess she finally found her porpoise in life +3308,0,"When Johnny went to school, they enrolled him in stupid lessons But he flunked out, so he tested smart." +3309,0,"3 people are in a asylum. 3 people are in a asylum. 2 are men and 1 is a woman. They have lots of food and water and could last years. One day the 3 people got really bored. The woman was horny so they all decided to have sex. The 3 people had sex for about a week, but on the last week the woman died. The last two men were still horny so the kept having sex. They had sex for one more week and on the last day they finally decided to bury the woman’s body." +3310,1,"A man asks a farmer A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one." +3311,0,"What is a pirate's favorite letter??? You probably thought ""R"" But it fact it's actually the ""C""" +3312,3,"do you know how to tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? you give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +3313,0,I'm a master fence repairer Look at me reposting +3314,4,Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off +3315,2,[NSFW] I tell people i'm more of a tits guy But really I just have a bird fetish. +3316,0,I went to my pyschatrist that I've seen for years and told him i was fine and haven't had a single dream about the card people. He told me to stop bluffing. +3317,0,why do seaguls go to the beach because there's sand wich is what they like +3318,3,Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident? Now she's working at IHOP. +3319,1,I Don’t Trust Comercials ...I always feel like they’re trying to sell me something +3320,0,Terms like “Gun Control” and “March For Our Lives” are just too vague to make proper legislation Almost as vague as “Make America Great Again” +3321,3,What distance does light travel on a diet? Lite years. +3322,0,Stephen Hawking died 7 days ago but nobody noticed because nothing changed in his behavior +3323,0,Why is a mute girl the best girlfriend? They can't say no. +3324,3,"Two homeless men were walking in the desert... ...when suddenly a gust of wind reveals a shiny object in the distance. Both of them rushed to said item and as they saw it was a lamp. A genie appears out of the lamp as they were trying to clean the lamp. ""Thank you for releasing me. I shall give 3 wishes to each one of you."" The men stared blankly at the genie. "" Seeing as you are still in shock of my appearance, I shall give each one of you 3 eggs. When you feel certain about what you wish for, break an egg and your wish shall be granted."" The genie dissapears. The men agree to separate and meet again in the future Several years pass and they meet each other at random in a local plaza. One was shining in health, riches and women while the other looked exactly the same since the last time they met. ""What happened"" asked the rich ex-homeless man. ""When last we met I used my 3 wishes and look what I got. I wished for excellent health, lots of wealth and women."" ""Well after we separated I put the eggs in my bag cause I didn't believe that it was a real genie. As night came along I was hungry and I wanted to eat. As I took the egg out, it falls from my hand, it breaks and I yell 'balls' in anger. An infinite amount of testicles appeared out of the blue and surrounded me like an avalanche. In the chaos I find another egg, break it and wished for all the balls to disappear."" The rich man points out that it's two wishes, what happened to the third? ""I will tell you. When I wished for my second wish, my balls also disappeared...""" +3325,0,All i need is vitamin sea. +3326,3,I hosted a NNN party Nobody came +3327,6,"I actually got to live through a classic joke! **This is 100 percent true. ** Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going. There was blood everywhere. I was taken right away to the ER. My hand was cut pretty bad. As he was giving me my 22 stitches, I suddenly looked the doctor right in the eyes. ""oh my God, doctor,"" I said ""Am I going to be able to play the violin after this?"" He nodded. ""You cut yourself bad, but you'll be able to play the violin after this."" I started giggling : ""That's fantastic! Cause I wasn't able to play it before this!"" . And then I laughed and laughed. The doctor didn't find it so funny. " +3328,0,Yesterday I was driving down on the motorway in a hearse. The police pulled me over for undertaking. +3329,0,Why do members of the LGBTQ community invest in commercial real estate as opposed to residential? Because commercial real estate is non binary +3330,5,What did the web developer say after oral sex? +3331,3,There was a small boy. (Long) He was always bothering his parents to tell them that he had to tinkle. It bothered his father that he said tinkle. So he came up with a code word for his child to let him know he had to go in public without saying tinkle. He said tell me you have to whisper instead. And so he started to tell his parents he had to whisper. Then he went to visit his grandparents and eventually he had to go to the bathroom. So he told his grandpa he had to whisper. So the Grandpa not knowing the code word told the little boy to go ahead and whisper in his ear. +3332,0,"Do you know, what was the name of the man who interviewed Daniel Radcliffe? Herr Riporter" +3333,2,Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber? CrazyRussianHacker. +3334,1,What's a KKK member's favorite car? A crossfire. +3335,1,"Son, now that you've moved out you're going to need to get a couple things. You're going to need a dishwasher to clean the dishes. A washing machine to clean your clothes. And a girlfriend so you have good sex. But for God's sake never let the three women meet." +3336,8,"A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master... A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says: ""Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"" His master gives him an anecdote. ""Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"" ""Yes Master"" ""And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"" ""Yes Master"" ""And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"" ""Yes Master"" ""That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!""" +3337,0,Girls are so shallow nowadays. Every single one of my dates this week has forgotten my name. They always call me Help whenever we have sex after the date. Like... who the fuck is Mr. Help? +3338,1,What is the difference between Jesus and a seasoned prostitute? Jesus has only been nailed once. +3339,0,"Killer dad joke My father admitted on his deathbed that he was the most successful serial killer of all time. He killed 100's of people in various ways in countless cities, never leaving a trace. I asked him, ""Why did you do it?"" He replied, ""I really wanted to make a killing"" Thanks to u/cabridges from r/WritingPrompts for the insperation" +3340,1,"My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat, but my friend told me that they are really expensive... So I bought two normal cats and glued their heads together..." +3341,3,My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe... +3342,4,There's two things I don't like about my sons new partner. He's black +3343,1,Why do the unicameral legislative countries hate bicameral legislative countries? Why do the unicameral legislative countries hate bicameral legislative countries? Because they can't have a joint session. +3344,3,Australians dont have sex. They mate. +3345,1,TIL: They're making a sequal to Brokeback Mountain... Called Sore Ass Pass. +3346,0,What's a Scotsman's favorite porno? Scatland +3347,2,Why everyone at the school is afraid of the octopus? He is armed +3348,0,"A Texan Tourist is in an Australian Pub The Texan says to the man next to him: ""Back on the ranch, I would hop on my horse and it would take me all day to ride from one side of the property to the other."" The Australian says: ""Yeah, I had a horse like that once.""" +3349,1,What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre +3350,0,"Date Story A man and a woman go out to a restaurant and asked for a table for 2, they had already been on a couple dates and were anxious for what lied ahead. The restaurant was very busy and the couple had been waiting for a while, and out of anxiousness they decided to sneak into the bathroom, the man had just taken his pants off when the pager rang to tell them their table was ready, and in fear of losing their table, they called it off and went and gave the pager to the hostess. Upon arrival to the hostess stand, the hostess asked the man, ""Does the little girl want a kids menu?"" To which he nodded" +3351,0,What do plumbers do after they've had a bad day? They re-goop! +3352,3,What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. +3353,0,"Jared from Subway recently posted an image on Reddit of him sucking a minor's penis ... ... he later deleted the image and replied ""Oops, wrong sub.""" +3354,1,"Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling." +3355,0,What does Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall +3356,0,What do anti-vaxxers and responsible bartenders jave in common? Neither believe in giving shots to babies! +3357,0,"A 12 year old visited a doctor A father and his 12 year old kid visited a doctor. Doctor filled the form behalf of kid asking name, age, etc Kid: responded accordingly. Doc: are you sexually active? Kid: yes. Surprised father: WHAT? That's Bull shit.. Doctor: that's Bull shit. Everyone in hospital: that's Bull shit.. Catholic priest: ahhh... mm.. argh.. yeah yeah.. that's Bull shit.." +3358,1,"A panda enters a restaurant. A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders steaming bowl of wonton soup. After he finishes eating, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, killing him instantly. He struts towards the door without picking up the cheque. ""Hey!"" shouts the manager. ""Where do you think you're going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your meal!"" The panda yells back at the manager, ""I am a panda. Look it up."" The manager opens his handy dictionary as instructed and reads the definition of a panda. ""A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.""" +3359,0,What will a dog see in a sponge? Hydruff Pawer +3360,1,How do you turn an airliner into a boat? #**Allahu Ackbar!** +3361,3,"Chinese girl for her number I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629." +3362,2,My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape Weird flex but ok +3363,1,Do not ever rent an apartment to an ant. As soon as they sign the lease they then become tenants. +3364,1,"To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as ""Jesus"" One should never take the Lord's name in vein." +3365,0,"My daughter said that her favourite Disney Princess was Elsa. At first, my heart was frozen, but then I decided to let it go." +3366,3,"Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here ""But I never went to college."" ""I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here.""" +3367,8,"A man's wife accuses him of ""testiculating."" ""What the hell is 'testiculating?'"" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, ""It's when a man is talking bollocks!"" The man considers this for a moment. ""Tell me something,"" he finally says. ""Are you on your period?"" ""Yes,"" his wife answers. ""Why?"" The man nods. ""I thought so. You're ovaryacting.""" +3368,0,"A woman complimented a male coworker on his spring water He quickly corrected her. It’s from a well, actually." +3369,0,What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked. +3370,0,International Womens Day Just heard Google's 'AI' division are programming their driverless cars with a womans intellect. That way the car will get a man to drive and there will be statistically less crashes of the Google driverless cars. +3371,1,"One day during a game on the golf course I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?"" ""I’m fine thanks,"" I replied. “My name’s Jack,” I said and introduced myself. ""Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later,” she suggested. ""That's mighty nice of you,"" I answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it."" ""Oh, come on,"" Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and very persuasive. ""Well okay,"" I finally agreed, and added, ""but my wife won't like it."" After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage. Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her. ""I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."" ""Don't be silly!” Elizabeth replied with a smile, “She won't know a thing. Where is she, anyway?"" ""Under the cart!"" I said!!.." +3372,1,"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants The bartender says, ""That looks uncomfortable."" ""Aye,"" says the pirate, ""it be driving me nuts.""" +3373,3,"A little boy was selling Mangoes in a small village ""3 coins for one, 10 for three!"", he said. A dirty businessman, seeing that it was a boy, thought this to be a perfect opportunity to cheat and gain some profit. He approached the boy and asked, ""What is the cost for one, little man?"" ""3 for one, 10 for three!"", the boy said innocently. Flabbergasted, the man thought to himself, ""3 times 3 is 9, why would he sell for 10?"" ""How many, sir?"", the boy asked. ""I'll take one. Here's your 3 coins."" The boy smiled and handed him a Mango. ""Or how about another? Here, 3 coins."" The boy smiled again. ""These really look delicious. One more please. Have your 3 coins."" The man smiled wide. ""HAH! You've been cheated! I just got 3 for 9, while you priced 10!"" The boy, smiling wider said, ""And I, sir, made you buy 3 Mangoes for no reason at all.""" +3374,3,What do yo call someone who has pictures of little wooden boys? A Gepetto-phile. +3375,3,"Young man goes to the barber Barber: what's it gonna be Young man: I'll have the bottom bit completely shaved. Then above it a few little circles. Above that a want a spiky bit. Next to that I want it number 2 on the right side and number 3.5 on the left side. The top I want it a bit messy, with some bits longer that others. Barber: ... I can't do that ... Young man: You'd think motherf*ucker but that's what you did to me last time! " +3376,0,What's Jackie Chan's favorite band? The Foo Fighters +3377,3,Every time there’s a blackout I feel so... ...powerless. +3378,0,2 shifts at the window factory No bathroom brakes. It was a pane in the glass. +3379,2,I asked a six year old boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said “Batman!” You’d think the kid would be grateful that I then shot his parents in front of him. +3380,0,"My friend and I were shingling a roof when he said he was going to jump off I tried to talk him out of it, but he jumped anyway. Luckily the trampoline emporium was having a sidewalk sale that day, and he landed on a trampoline and bounced all the way back up to the too if the building and said something to me He said, ""You know, most of your jokes are contrived and aren't believable""" +3381,1,What does John Wick do after people die? Keanu grieves. +3382,2,I hate statistics jokes They're all mean. +3383,0,What type of doctor heals cartilage. A cardiologist +3384,0,What do you call a hispanic guy who lost his car? Carlos +3385,0,"Why did Sean Connery open up his barbershop in the forest, rather than the city? He wanted to shave a couple bucksh." +3386,3,"the neurotic builds castles in the air, the psychotic lives in them, and the psychiatrist collects the rent." +3387,4,"How many feminists does it take to make a sandwich? 12 One to make the sandwich, One to excoriate men for creating hunger, One to blame men for inventing such a laborious recipe, One to suggest the whole ""putting meat in between two non-consenting flaps of bread"" bit to be too ""rape-like"", One to deconstruct the Bologna sausage itself as being phallic, One to blame men for not making the sandwich, One to blame men for trying to make the sandwich instead of letting a woman do it, One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from eating, One to blame men for creating a society where women make too many sandwiches, One to advocate that sandwich makers should have wage parity with Michelin star chefs, One to alert the media that women are now ""out-sandwiching"" men, And one to take pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary." +3388,2,"A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer. But Arnold Schwarzenegger said ""I'll be Bach""" +3389,2,My clients all know me as a gay pimp... But I tell my ‘hood friends I’m a crack dealer +3390,9,"Every “yo mamma” joke has been done thousands of time, by thousand of people. Kinda like yo mamma." +3391,0,Valve is making a new Pirate-themed game... ...it's going to be an ARRRPG. +3392,0,I decided i would continuously play Battle Royale games for a full on week. But i got bored by the fourth night. +3393,1,"In case she doesn't like her gift 3 High school friends are at a reunion. Lawyer: For my wife's birthday this year I got her a pair of diamond earrings and two tickets to the Bahamas! If she doesn't like the earrings, she will definitely enjoy the holiday! Surgeon: I bought my Wife a pearl necklace and a new convertible! If she doesn't like the necklace, she'll definitely love the new car! Labourer: I bought my wife a T-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!" +3394,2,Why does Thanos Car have top of the line tires? The hardest choices require the strongest of wheels. +3395,1,How do you kill a zombie? Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition. +3396,1,"Some friends and I were making some blond jokes, until my daughter arrived. She said “Daddy, I cant believe you. You know those are all stereo systems.” edit: if there’s anyone looking at this post retroactively for whatever reason I don’t actually have a daughter lol " +3397,0,What's another name for a singlet? An amputee-shirt. +3398,2,How do you make a blond laugh on monday? Tell her a joke on tuesday +3399,2,"A star walks into a ... A star walks into a black hole but doesn't seems phazed, the black hole turns to the star and says, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation." +3400,5,"What's long, hard, and has cum in it? Cucumber you nasty bastard" +3401,3,How does Bono spell the word 'color'? With or without U +3402,0,What do you call an angry shrink? A psychotherapist +3403,1,A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item! Sent from my iPhone XI +3404,2,Did you hear the one about all the missing women in the area? No? Thats good then... +3405,0,"My Grandfather's one of those people who's constantly complaining about the cost of everything: "" $4 for a cup of coffee; $5 for one lousy cookie?"" I said ""Look Grandad, you just showed up at the door: I didn't invite you..."" Milton Jones" +3406,5,Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard? Neither did she. +3407,1,Cloud Joke Did you ever hear about the water in the atmosphere that tried to break the rules of condensation? It wasn't a cloud. +3408,0,Did you know eggs are processed in a vegetable? They are packaged in an Egg Plant. +3409,0,Have you heard of the absolutely enormous vats where they crush grapes? It really is a must sea. +3410,0,What's the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass. +3411,0,How many Russian basements does it take to rig an American presidential election? +3412,0,Today I started an argument on the internet I posted a comment. +3413,0,I cannot make up words with vowels ​There is a constant interrupt! +3414,2,I've always wanted to see a man wearing two monocles. It'd be quite the spectacle. +3415,0,"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? You'd think it was some really obscure number, but it's just one, ironically." +3416,1,"Scooter Three men die in a car accident. They all go to heaven, and God asks the first one... ""how faithful were you to your wife?"" He says "" I cheated only 4 times."" God says aight. Not bad. You can have a Toyota corolla. Second guy same question, just once on a business trip. God is like ok that's great. Cadillac. Third dude...never...God says rolls royce. Two days later rolls Royce guy sitting on curb in tears. other dudes all like oh shit it's dat Boi wud up? Why u cry? He's replies. I seen my wife on razor scooter today." +3417,4,What’s the hardest food to stop eating? Cold turkey +3418,4,"Some financial advice A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says: ""I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. A few seconds and a satisfying glance later, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: ""Who was that?"" ""It was Bob the next door neighbor,"" she replies. ""Great,"" the husband says, ""did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure" +3419,1,Toilet Paper and Spock How are toilet paper and Spock similar? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. +3420,4,We have to bury my dog today. Mom: Don't be sad. All dogs go to heaven. Me: Thanks mom. Where does updog go? Mom: What's up dog? Me: Not much dog. Just looking for a shovel. +3421,0,What do Hillary Clinton and Debbie Wasserman Schultz's teeth have in common? They're crooked. +3422,6,My sexual desires have been getting out of control... But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom. +3423,3,Want more jokes about Russia? then Soviet +3424,1,What’s the hardest part about eating vegetables? The wheelchair +3425,1,How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. +3426,1,Did you know Elvis was a big fan of Chicken Strips? He even wrote a song about them called “Love Me Tender”. +3427,0,Call me Ted Bundy... Because you’re about to lose your mind +3428,1,"Why did Donald Trump win 2016 election? Because ""Deez Nuts"" isn't a valid candidate." +3429,5,"What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! No, I'm just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet. " +3430,0,Whats your favorite dinosaur? Lickalotapuss +3431,1,"Women are like chicken to me... I love breasts, thighs, and legs but if I see wings I'm not eating. Just thought of this while eating fried chicken." +3432,1,A slave say to another slave... Are you free tonight? +3433,2,"[NSFW]A man and his family are checking in to a hotel, at the front counter the man leans in and says ""I assume the porn is disabled?"" The clerk says ""No it's regular porn, you sick fuck""" +3434,2,What do you call a rapper with down syndrome? 21 Savage +3435,0,2018 2018: Tidepods discontinued because GenZ doesn't know what food is/isn't. +3436,2,Facebook may not make the lame walk again... But it sure allows the dumb to speak. +3437,0,What's an injustice when you didn't see it coming? A ninjustice. +3438,4,I hope England beats Iceland... Or they will be out of Europe twice this week! +3439,5,What do you call a joke about an old lady's boobs? A knee slapper. +3440,2,"You know how I know Adam was white? Because, have you ever seen a black man share his ribs?" +3441,2,"AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!) 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM." +3442,4,"Husband - ""When I die, i'd like to die having sex."" Wife - ""At least we know it'll be quick""" +3443,0,"Yo momma's so fat She did a book report in high school, on lard of the fries" +3444,1,"What does a networking robot say when returning from the bathroom? ""Sorry, I http""" +3445,8,"Having children is a lot like making pancakes The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking." +3446,0,I can't stand Mac users. I don't have a spare grand. They'll have to get their stand themselves. +3447,1,"Anne Hathaway starts an acting class The slogan: ""Come learn to act the Anne Hatha-way""" +3448,2,"A Barcelona dinner party. A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Barcelona. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself ""Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me."" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, ""Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"" He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, ""Come on guys, we're almost there!""" +3449,3,"Long before the Turks invented condoms The greeks invented sex. And the italians thought it was so good, they introduced it to women" +3450,1,You know why Quentin Tarantino likes tall girls? Because they’re at least 6 feet. +3451,1,You can now experience skydiving without a parachute! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity! +3452,6,My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people. So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me. +3453,1,Yo Mamma's so fat... Her belly button gets home 15 minutes before she does +3454,1,What was Hitler's favorite animal? A dolfhin +3455,0,"Gluten free I was talking to my friend from the hood about ""Gluten Free"" and he said, ""How long has he been in there?""" +3456,0,"Redditors who respond to texts with only one letter, Y?" +3457,0,"Meet my new born brother. A: Meet my new born brother. B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name? A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says." +3458,2,"I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily" +3459,1,What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A little coke brings Captain Morgan to life. +3460,0,"What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine" +3461,1,"History teaches us that people developed their last names in ancient times for doing what they were known for in a village. If, for example, your last name is ""Smith"" then chances are your family line had some artisan blacksmiths to boot. I wonder what the last name ""Dickinson"" meant for people back in those days?" +3462,3,"African Horses In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beating out their richer rivals. ​ The top European horse racing organisations put together a group of specialist spies to try to find out how they were being beaten so convincingly by people who could barely afford to even feed their horses. Eventually, their investigations took them to a small hut with a cross on it in the centre of the vast plains, covered in huge racks of drying leather. ​ Inside, they find a shrivelled old man who seems to be shaping and blessing the rough leather, before cutting it into thin strips. They ask him what he is doing, and why these new jockeys are doing so well. He lifts his head and smiles. ​ ""I BLESS THE REINS DOWN IN AAAAFRICA"" ​ ​" +3463,4,PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat. +3464,2,"god and adam God Said, ""Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me."" Adam Said, ""Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?"" God Said, ""Go down Into that Valley."" Adam said, ""What's A valley?"" God explained it to him. Then God said, ""Cross the River."" Adam said, ""What's a River?"" God explained that To him, and then said, ""Go over to the Hill....."" Adam said, ""What is a Hill?"" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, ""On The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave."" Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He Said, ""In the cave You will find a woman."" Adam said, ""What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."" Adam said, ""How do I do That?"" God first said (under His breath), ""Geez....."" And then, Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as Well. So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in About five minutes, he was back. God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, ""What is It Now?"" And Adam said.... ""What's a Headache?"" " +3465,0,"If you’re American when you walking to the bathroom, and American when you leave, then what are you while you’re in the bathroom?? European " +3466,1,What do you call a homosexual photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms found in the Middle East? Al-Gay +3467,3,What do you call a nun employed by your company? Nun of your business. +3468,0,Funny Joke Kid: Let's make up some words that rhyme with lick! Kid: Dick. Everyone was like WTF. +3469,4,I once had a job drilling holes I left because it was boring +3470,0,"You may want to check out my new book on masturbation. It's called ""50 ways to love your lever"" " +3471,2,My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. ## After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. +3472,1,"If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Humanitarians." +3473,0,Why isn‘t salt free? Because it‘s *sold*. +3474,1,What do you call a fake noodle? IMPASTA ^^I'll ^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^^out. +3475,0,[Dark Humor/Offensive] How do you prevent a baby from drowning? Take your foot off its head. +3476,4,"Yesterday, there was a fire in a shoe factory. Hundreds of soles were lost." +3477,0,Do you know how to tell when a politician is lying? The lips move when they speak. +3478,4,I have an inferiority complex... But it's not a very good one. +3479,1,"An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words... On the first day she taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second and third day she taught them words with B and C. And right before the fourth day she thought, oh no, how are they going to handle D-Day?" +3480,2,"I asked my wife when we first met which side of the bed she likes to sleep on. ""The top"" she said." +3481,1,"I'm thinking of opening a new type of hotel. You will rent the bottom half of a bunk bed, and on the top will be a couple of your favorite celebrities. Ill call it ""sleeping under the stars""" +3482,2,"Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess. I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands." +3483,2,"A Group of Friends Hop on a Private Plane An hour or so into the flight, the plane shudders violently for a moment, but calms down after a moment. The pilot comes back to calm down his frightened passengers and says ""Now I don't mean to scare you but we just lost one of our engines. Really nothing to worry about though, we can fly just fine on the other 3, it will just take us an extra hour to reach our destination"". The friends relax after a bit and another hour of the flight goes by uneventfully. Suddenly the plane shakes again. After it settles, the pilot comes back into the cabin. ""Unfortunately we just lost a second engine. It's alright though, we routinely fly on just two engines. It'll just add another hour or so before we arrive"". The group nervously laughs it off, and the flight continues on smoothly. But after another hour, the plane shakes again. The pilot walks into the cabin, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. ""Alright, we just lost a third engine. But this here is a tough old bird, and she can fly just fine on one engine. It's just gonna take an extra couple of hours to get there."" As he turns to head back to the cockpit, one of the friends shouts back at him ""Look Captain, I don't mean to be rude, but if we lose that last engine, we're gonna be up here all day!""" +3484,3,"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but I hear the reception was excellent." +3485,2,"A dad walks up to his friend His friend says ""why are you see through"" the dad replies ""because my son is transgender"" the friend said ""and..."" To which the dad finally goes ""I guess I'm Trans-parent""" +3486,0,If the opposite of pro is con... Is the opposite of progress Congress? +3487,0,My wife and I always talk at 12:59. We really enjoy the one to one time. +3488,3,They say jokes lessen tragedy Is that why my parents became comedians after having me? +3489,0,"Reddit is a social network, ... but you can't have any friends." +3490,2,"Before getting engaged to Serena, Alexis Ohanian actually dated a fencer Until he got sick of the ripostes." +3491,4,"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive " +3492,0,"What did one sperm say to the other sperm [NSFW] ""Hey dude! We have a chance of being a puppy, baby, giraffe, koala, chimpanzee, lion, the possibilities are endless!"" Then the other sperm said, ""I don't know. I've always wanted to become..."" And they all died." +3493,3,The people of Pompeii... Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD +3494,0,"What did the dough say when it was put in the oven? ""I've died and gone to levain""" +3495,6,Why did Donald Trump watch the olympics? To see how high the mexicans pole vaulters can jump +3496,0,[META] Are we getting DV Brigaded? I noticed that on a couple of posts nearly every single comment was below threshold. Was that a thing that just... happened? Or are people from 4chan or something brigading us? +3497,0,I forgot to put a coma in a sentence for an English essay So my teacher put me into one +3498,1,"How do you make a pheromone? Tell him, ""Let my people go.""" +3499,1,"On a cold and snowy day Jim walks into work with a cast on his right arm... ""Why, Jim! Are you ok? How did you break your arm?"" asks Steve. ""Well Steve, I slipped on some ice and fell down my front porch. As for how I'm doing? It doesn't hurt that much, but its made things really difficult."" says Jim. ""Really? How so?"" ""First off, I can't drive my stick-shift to work, so I have to drive my wife's car. Second, I can't fit my gloves over this cast, so it feels like my fingers are going to fall off every time I go outside! And the absolute worst has to be the bathroom experience. You know what happens when you try to wipe yourself without your dominant arm?"" ""I'm afraid to ask, Jim. What happens?"" Jim says ""Well, that's when shit really gets out of hand...""" +3500,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. lol +3501,3,"Jane and Enzo are on a date... They're walking down an empty beach on a Saturday night talking about eachother. ""I'm in Real Estate,"" says Jane. Enzo replies ""That's right! I've seen your name in front of some big houses in this town!"" Jane replies ""Yeah I bet, I'm pretty good at my job."" Enzo says ""I'm a ghost hunter."" Jane looks at him and starts laughing at him saying ""That's your job? a Ghost Hunter? Hahaha, I've never even seen a ghost before in my life!"" to which Enzo replies ""Yeah I bet, I'm pretty good at my job.""" +3502,0,What kind of Pokemon team would Barney from HIMYM have? A team of Legen-wait for it- Daries! +3503,0,Disney on Ice This one's for the Aussies out there +3504,4,What do you call a girl that goes down right after you just met? Ronda Rousey +3505,2,"Magic bunny! A young texan cowboy is riding along his property when he spots an injured rabbit struggling to free itself from some wire mesh it's stuck in. He's about to put the furball out of its misery when the rabbit says: ""Wait!! I'm a magic bunny! If you free me and let me go, I'll grant you one wish"". The cowboy is surprised but he already knows what he wants and won't miss this chance. He gets off his horse and starts freeing the rabbit as he says: ""Awrite ya lil critter, ya got yerself a deal. I have the darnedest luck with the ladies on account of my small... attributes down there. I want the same privates as this here horse, then yer free to go"". The now free rabbit wipes the dust off its fur and says: ""Whoa, that's sure to startle any human lass. Easy."" The bunny casts its spell and hops off. ""Now if you'll excuse me..."" The cowboy already feels the difference; he rushes home and pulls his pants down excitedly in front of a big mirror. ""Son of a gun!"" Yells the cowboy, while he slams his hat on the floor. ""Ah just HAD to ride the damn mare today!"". Edit: spacing was a bit weird" +3506,1,"A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. ""Well, okay,"" he says, ""how about a blow job?"" ""Yuck!"" she screams. ""I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"" He says, ""Well, then, how about a hand job?"" ""I've never done that,"" she says. ""What do I have to do?"" ""Well,"" he answers, ""remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"" She nods. ""Well, it's just like that."" So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. ""What's wrong?!"" she cries out. ""TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END!!""" +3507,2,"Two blondes were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first blonde says, ""I have to be honest. I am planning to get a boob job."" The second says, ""Yea, I going to get my asshole bleached this week."" To which the first replies, ""Whoooa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde.""" +3508,2,What's the difference between snow tires and slaves? Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness +3509,4,"An Alien ship lands in the city center.. and out come two humanoid male and female aliens, who look pretty much human except they are blue in colour and have antennas where their ears should be. They are immediately surrounded by a huge crowd, media has set up their booths and world leaders approach them to make contact. The aliens then spoke: ""We're from the galactic alliance and we're pleased to say you humans have been chosen as its latest members"" ""In order for you to seal this deal, its required that a male and female specimen of the human race come aboard the ship and have sex with us. The male species with a female of our species and vice versa."" The audience who were cheering to the sight of this historic event, suddenly quiet down on hearing this. Then a swinger couple walks forward and accepts their offer, they go aboard the ship. The alien male takes the woman to his chamber and the alien female does the same with the man. In the alien male's chamber, they start caressing each other then making out and soon it gets really hot. The idea of getting screwed by an alien is the ultimate swinger fantasy, she thinks and starts to unzip the male alien's spacesuit. When she undoes his spacefly, she's very disappointed. All there was is a pimple size alienpenis and she refuses to go any further. ""What happened?"" The alien male asks ""It's so tiny, what am I going to do with this?"" she says ""Don't worry, just smack me on the back of my head"" She's stunned on hearing this, but on his insistence she smacks him on the back of his head. Lo and behold, the penis grows an inch. He then says ""smack me until you get your desired size"" She does that 7 more times and then have passionate interspecies sex. After a few hours, the humans emerge from the spaceship. The woman has a glowing smile on her face, while the man looks all low and disappointed. The media surrounds them and asks what was it like? Before the woman can answer, the man says; ""their sex is weird, after foreplay we undressed each other and then she kept smacking me behind my head for a few hours after that she asked me to leave""" +3510,1,I may have Alzheimer’s but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s. +3511,1,"I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”" +3512,3,There are two rules to remember in the entertainment industry. The first is to always leave the audience wanting more. And the second +3513,2,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because prison changes people. +3514,3,"My friend told me a chemistry joke ""Do you know any chemistry jokes? I do but they're all boron."" I have to say, I slapped my neon that one." +3515,2,Why did the computer need to take viagra? It had a floppy disk. +3516,0,I live under a total piece of crap in my apartment complex. I'm on the second floor.. And he's on the turd floor. +3517,2,"Three drunken guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then he said, ""We have reached your destination"". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said ""Thank you"". The 3rd guy slapped the driver and said, ""Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"" " +3518,0,"Money talks... But all mine ever says is, Bye Felicia!!!" +3519,0,What is a businessman's favorite game? Call of Duty: Economic Warfare +3520,0,My friend can make a coin land on a whatever he wants Sadly it only works 50% of the time +3521,2,"A husband wife go to the zoo. They come across a gorilla. The man asks his wife to be a little flirty and blow a kiss to the gorilla. She does and the animal instantly gets excited, eyes wide open and stands up immediately. The wife likes it and so does the husband. Then he asks her to be a little more daring and show the gorilla some leg. She lifts her skirt a little and shows it a peek of her fine legs. The gorilla is now charged. Jumping up and down. Making mating noises. It is clearly excited. The husband and wife are both loving it and decide to take it up a notch. He asks her to flash a little cleavage. The wife thinks for a moment, but then goes ahead with it. When no one is watching, she pulls down her dress briefly and flashes to the gorilla. The animal has now gone crazy. Howling, beating chest, lunging on the cage bars, totally horny and turned on. The husband suddenly picks up the wife and flings her across the bars and throws her into the gorillas cage and yells - NOW TELL HIM, NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE. " +3522,0,What kind of bear dissolves in water? A POLAR bear. Because polar molecules dissolve in water.... +3523,1,"A little girl was out with her... A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.""What are they doing, Grandma?"" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, ""The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."" ""They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"" said the little one. ""How do you mean?"" asked the Grandma. ""Offer someone a helping hand,"" said the little girl,""and they screw you every time!"" " +3524,3,Why couldn’t Helen Keller Drive? Because she was a woman. +3525,0,Why do people never eat clocks? Because it is very TIME CONSUMING. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL LMFAO STFU +3526,2,What’s the most looked-for skill in Chinese office jobs? Taiping +3527,0,I wish I got a kiss from a doctor every time I went into an American hospital Would make the whole getting 'fucked' part more passionate. +3528,0,"An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman walk into a bar. They’re accompanied by their sons. The Englishman says, ""My son’s named George. He was born on St. George’s Day."" The Scotsman says, ""My son’s named Andrew. He was born on St. Andrew’s Day."" The Welshman says, ""My son’s named David, he was born on St. David’s Day."" The Irishman turns to his son and says, ""Come on Pancake, let’s get out of here.""" +3529,1,"A little boy asked his father :"" where did human kind came from ?"" The father answer :"" at the begining, the god created eve and adam, and they start to give birth slowly till we become that many"". The kid didn't get convenced.. he went right to his mother and asked her the same question .. The mother answer :"" at the begining, there was small animals live in the oceans, and they evolve slowly to apes, and then to humans .. The kids get confused and went back to his father complaining .. ""Dad u lied to me ! Mother said we came from evolution of apes.. not from adan and eve"" And the father said:"" sorry son, I was talking about my familly, not your mother's"" Ps: sorry for my bad english." +3530,1,"Hindsight is 20/20. Or 8:20 PM, for the civilians out there." +3531,0,"Africa If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquito's dying needlessly of aids. " +3532,0,"In memory of Stephen Hillenburg, here's one of my favorite Spongebob jokes Mrs Puff drives to the Krusty Krab only to find a sign that says ""Try our new kalamari burger"" . Confused, she walks inside. Surprisingly, Spongebob is at the cashier instead of Squidward. Annoyed, she orders the kalamari burger. Still confused to where they got kalamari, she asks Mr Krabs, ""How did you get kalamari?"" To which he responds , ""Well, where do you think we go it?"" " +3533,3,"I identify as counter strike, and I find this globally offensive." +3534,1,"So i was banging this fat girl I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, ""Are you going to eat that?"" ""Your pussy?"" I asked, disgusted. ""No, that,"" she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob. " +3535,0,How can you tell a joke is a dad joke? When it is apparent. +3536,0,"'Doctor, my wife is pregnant... ...and I'd like to ask... how do we have sex from now on?' 'Well, in the first few months you can have sex normally,' says the doctor. 'Then during the second third of the pregnancy, try doggy-style. Finally, during the last third of the pregnancy, I advise wolfy-style.' 'Wolfy-style?! How do I do that?' asks the husband puzzled. 'You sit next to the hole and howl.'" +3537,0,My cousin got sent to jail It was our nap time and he was resisting a-rest +3538,1,If baptists are baptized... does that mean protestants are protested? +3539,3,Sean Connery only asked his wife to sit on his face once. ** comedy silence ** +3540,2,Why did Apollo 11 take off during full moon? Its an easier target. ------ Yes. Its incredibly lame. +3541,2,What kind of lotion do authors apply at the beach? Writers block. +3542,0,"It's no surprise that the French surrendered to the Germans When even your bread is pain, you want as little as possible." +3543,0,What do you call it when your airplane shakes over Northern India? Turban-lence +3544,4,How much did Cain beat his brother? As much as he was abel +3545,1,"A little trip to Heaven You know, I just came back from the dead. Well, they kicked me out, but that's a different story. The one thing I can tell you about heaven is that there are no windows in any of the houses. Why, you ask? Apparently, when Jobs died and went up there, he was put in charge of all advancements. So he replaced all windows with apple products. When asked why it was allowed, I was told that it's because the *i(s) are the windows to the souls* " +3546,1,What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? You get a little over halfway. +3547,1,Why did the man hate his job at the dildo factory? His work was too hard. +3548,0,"My favorite joke in Polish I will try to translate *translation of jokes is weird because sometimes it doesn't sound funny in the other language but I'll try* (Polish family moving from Europe to America) Son: Father, are we close to America yet? Father: No son, we still have a ways to go, and this kayak isn't going to row itself" +3549,2,"A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road... Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, ""We won't get dehydrated!"". The redhead finds sunblock, ""And we won't get sunburnt!"". The blonde picks up the car door that fell off during the wreck and starts dragging it along when her 2 friends ask what she's doing. ""If it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!""." +3550,1,"When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor. Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic. One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised." +3551,3,I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’. I can’t believe how far I’ve come. +3552,3,"My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted... Oh well, better get back to it I suppose." +3553,2,"[nsfw] Sinatra thought his wife was cheating on him, so he wrote her a song and sang it to her one night in bed. ""Come to me..."" he began crooning, and she swooned. She loved it when he sang to her... He continued singing... ""Your breath smells like..."" ""...come to me!""" +3554,4,"A Guy was arrested for driving over a bunch of people in a wedding... The detective asked him, ""Why did you do that?"" He replied: ""There was 1 guy on the left side of the road, & the wedding was on the right. Which one would you have picked?"" Detective: I Would've picked the left side of course! 1 dead is much better than a dozen... ""Well, That's what i intended to do. But that bastard ran into the wedding!""" +3555,2,what did the brother cell says to his sister cell when she stomp on his toe? mitosis +3556,1,"Looking for a spot So this guy, Seamus, is driving around a parking lot, looking for a spot so he can run in and use the bathroom. After a good fifteen minutes of searching, he's frustrated and desperate, and decides to seek help from a higher power. ""Dear Lord,"" he says, ""If you help me find a parking spot, I'll start going to church and I'll stop drinking. I'll even call me ma from time to time."" Just then, he turns a corner and sees a beautiful beam if light shining down from the sky as the closest spot to the building opens up. Seamus, overjoyed, looks heavenward and says, ""never mind, Lord, I've found one meself! """ +3557,4,What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe. +3558,1,Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore… It's gone viral… +3559,0,"Wintertime It's winter again. That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo." +3560,6,"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some asshole's got my pen." +3561,0,"My SO told me to come over My SO told me to come over to her place, that there's no one at home. Horny me goes happily, to find out there's actually no one at home." +3562,0,There isn't another meaning behind why I get my Toyota trucks from Ireland. I just like a Dublin Tundra. +3563,2,People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter... It's getting old. +3564,3,What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production? My lands! +3565,4,"A father whale and his son were swimming when the son whale asked his father ""where did I come from."" The father whale replied ""from my penis son."" The son rolled his eyes and said ""thanks dad"" to which the father whale replied, ""you're whale cum son, you're whale cum.""" +3566,4,"I looked at the ocean today, and thought it looked completely orange... And so then I wondered if it was reality or a Fanta sea." +3567,3,What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending. +3568,0,Why did Adele go into an electronic store? To buy a Dell. +3569,1,Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He was dead. +3570,1,Was doing an image search for Gary Oldman Accidentally forgot the R. Results were hairy. +3571,1,What do Kevin McCallister and Chris Watts have in common? They both made their families disappear. +3572,2,"A young priest is filling in for the parish priest while he is on holiday. Most of the confessions that morning are pretty routine, ""I took the Lords name in vain"" ""*two hail marys*"" ""I had impure thoughts"" ""*three hail marys and two rosaries*"". A young girl comes in and says ""bless me father for I have sinned"". ""*What is this sin my daughter?*"" ""I gave my boyfriend oral sex"" The young priest is a bit stunned and isn't sure what to say. So he leans out of the confessional and says to the altar boy. ""*Hey Jimmy, what does Father Mulcahy give for oral sex?*"" ""Usually a can of coke and a Mars bar""" +3573,0,"I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila." +3574,0,Why does Santa not ask for help in giving countless gifts to countless kids? because he's an independent Claus. +3575,0,A blind man walked into a bar. He wished he wasn’t blind. +3576,1,"YouTube, Reddit and Instagram walk into a bar... All of them make fools of the themselves vying for the attention of everyone in the bar." +3577,6,I love dry erase boards. They're remarkable. +3578,3,How do you get your kids to be quiet while you sleep? Tell them to wake you up in 30 minutes for chores and house cleaning. They’ll go quiet instantly and try their best to not wake you. +3579,10,"Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note... And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. ""What happened?"" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. ""Isn't it obvious?"" he said. ""Sam sung Note 7."" - EDIT - Wow, I came back and this really blew up! Thanks so much for the kind comments, and upvotes, and gold. I'm so glad I could give so many people a chuckle today! " +3580,1,"So, umm... Anyone willing to put on a sexy fox outfit and do a little anal? Ass-king furry friend." +3581,1,"Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party... They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac. Melania: Donald can be such a pig sometimes. He goes around grabbing women by the pussy but he wants me to be the perfect wife. Sometimes it's too much and I can't take it any more. Janet: Yeah, I know what you mean. Melania (getting angrier): Sometimes when I'm really mad and he comes to bed and touches me with those hands... It's all I can do not to scream. Janet: Yeah, I know what you mean. Melania (looking a little suspicious): Sorry Janet, I don't mean to be discrespectful but I don't think you really know how uncomfortable unwanted male attention can be. Janet: Melania, when you look at me, I know all you see is a short frumpy, overweight woman with white hair. But let me tell you-- in my day, I was quite the looker and had many men pawing at me, grabbing me. And men are just pigs. Melania (with eyes starting to open wide): Yeah... So what did you do? Janet (in a matter of fact tone): I've found that one of the most effective things to do is something completely unlady-like. You know, let loose a big fart. Melania (giggling): That funny! Janet: Try it and see if it doesn't stop them in their tracks. Melania: Well, I guess I have nothing to lose. So Melania starts eating beans to get ready to fend off unwanted advances. A few days later, Melania is in bed and the Donald comes to join her. After a few minutes, she can feel him inching closer. His hands start wandering and Melania doesn't want any part of it. She pretends to be sleeping but Donald keeps going. His hands start grabbing at her pussy and Melania finally has had enough and lets loose with a monster fart. The sheets flutter and the odor starts wafting out from under the blankets. The Donald is startled awake and says: Janet, is that you?!" +3582,2,"So, Will Smith is playing the genie from Aladdin, well then West Philadelphia born and raised, in a genie lamp is where I spend most of my days. Chillin out back and relaxing all cool til Aladdin showed up with little Abu then a couple of guys who were up to no good..Jafar started taking over my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my master got scared he said if you mingle with the street rats don't come back near here." +3583,2,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." +3584,0,How are having sex in a boat and Coors Light alike? They're both fucking close to water... +3585,3,"Old man says to old woman, “I bet you can’t guess how old I am.” She responds, “I bet I can. Unzip your pants” The guy is shocked but plays along. The woman sticks her hand in his pants and feels him up for a few minutes before saying, “You’re 83!” The old guy is astonished and says, “I am 83! How did you know?” The old lady says, “You told me yesterday.”" +3586,1,"I walked into Wal-Mart with my 6 brothers. A lady asked me if they were mine. I joked ""No I kidnapped them from the dead person outside"" How was I supposed to know there was a dead person outside!" +3587,1,What's the difference between a boy band and a band of just guys? The person sucking dick. +3588,1,"You know, I frankly don't find Isaac Newton's work all that original. I mean, half of his works were all derivatives anyway." +3589,0,Did you hear about the black guy that jumped off of the Empire State Building Black lives splatter +3590,0,"California is like a granola bar... it's full of flakes, fruits and nuts." +3591,2,Why did the Nazi fail his drivers test? He used his signal on the two left turns but failed on the third riech. +3592,0,First rule of witnesses protection program Don't talk about witnesses protection program +3593,4,What's the difference between three penises and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. +3594,1,Why doesn't Monica Lewinsky like going to the doctor? He always shoves a Bill down her throat! +3595,0,"My brother said ”You are watching reddit” And I replied ”No, reddit is watching me”" +3596,1,"teacher asks to a student that if I give you 3+3 rabbits, how many do you have""? student tells, I will have 7 rabbits. teacher asks, how? student tells, i already have 1 rabbit. " +3597,2,"Big Ass Lill.. I’ve got a story to tell, sad but true a whore I once knew. Big Ass Lill, the village queen, roughest whore I’d ever seen. -------------- Now some whores fcuk in the midnight breeze, others fcuk with galiant ease. Big Ass Lill, she fcuks for keeps, pileing her victims up in heaps. ------------------------- Way up north where the twin pines meet there lived a half-breed named Yucon Pete. There was something special about ‘Ol Pete, he had 15 pounds of swinging meat. ------------------------------ When he lay upon the bar, the whores would gather from near and far. When he cought wind of Big Ass Lill he packed his rubbers and headed over the hill. ---------------------------------- The scene was to take place on top of a hill in an outhouse owned by Big Ass Lill. They fcuked and they fcuked, they fcuked for hours, man they tore up trees, shrubs and flowers. --------------------------------- Finally old Lill gave a whore house squeeze and brought that half-breed to his knees. Pete anwsered with a half-breed grunt, broke her ass and split her c*nt. ----------------------------------- Her panties now hang from the bar room wall in honor of her galiant fall. I’m going on home now said Yucon Pete I’m going on home to beat my meat." +3598,4,"The sailor, the captain, and the barrel. Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member. The Sailor was just settling in when he notice that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all: women. So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, ""Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of women, how do solve this problem?"" The captain says, ""There are other men aboard and they have the same concerns as you, lad. I too find it hard to be away from me wife. There hasn't been a women aboard in years, but we have found a solution to this problem. Follow me."" So the sailor follows the captain to the hold, and the captain leads the sailor to an inconspicuous barrel with a hole thats just the right size and just about the right hight. The captain says, ""well, Lad, here tis our solution, just stick it in ye hole and have away."" The sailor looks incredulously at the captain. ""Are you serious?!? A hole in a barrel?!?"" ""Just try it"" and the captain walks away. The sailor thinks that there could be no harm in trying and undoes his pants. Fifteen minutes later the sailor climbs on deck with a huge smile. ""Wow, captain, that was amazing! I have bedded many women in my day and that barrel was better than most by far."" The captain replies, ""Aye, thought you would like it. Feel free to use it any time, day or night.... except Tuesdays that is."" The sailor looks at the captain with a confused expression. ""Why not Tuesdays?"" ""Because Tuesdays are your day in the barrel.""" +3599,2,"Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: ""Do you know how to drive this thing?""" +3600,3,"A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300... The husband screams ""Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!"" The wife says ""Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper"". The husband replies ""Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either""." +3601,3,"What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic? Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog." +3602,1,"Humm If the hurricane picks up a car, what do you call it? Florence and the Machine!" +3603,0,"The joke on the front page is reminding me of a joke I read on here years ago in a way were they just cut to the punchline, let me repost in my own way how it went in my head. (drunken paraphrased repost) A man(1) with a black eye walks onto a train and sees another man(Jeff) with a black eye and decides to sit next to him, the man(!) then asks ""so what happened to you?"" Jeff: A freudian slip. Man(1): What's that? Jeff: It's when you say something that reveals what you were thinking. Man(1): Oh, so what did you say? Jeff: I went to the train station with my wife, and the clerk behind the desk had the biggest boobs I've ever seen in my entire life. Now what I meant to say was ""I would like two tickets to Pittsburg please."" What I actually said was ""I would like two tickets to tittsburg please."" Man(1): The same thing happened to me this morning! I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife, and I meant to say to her ""Honey, could you please pass the jam?"" What I actually said was ""You ruin my life you stupid bitch!""" +3604,5,"Me: *washing car with son* Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”" +3605,0,"I saw a pirate, and he had a steering wheel in his pants. I asked him, why do you have a wheel in your pants? He said, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts.” " +3606,0,"A husband and wife go and watch a stand up comedian At one point he's going on about how you should know all the small things about your wife. ""Do you even know what your wifes favourite flower is?"" The husband leans over and says ""Is it self-rasing flour""?" +3607,3,"A Chinese man, who was less than proficient in the English language files for divorce. The judge asks what is the reason? He replies "" me no come, she no come, but baby come, how come?""." +3608,3,"The Pope has declared that by 2018, the Vatican will stop selling cigarettes. Thus he confirms that God hates fags. " +3609,0,"Meta Person: Reading minds. Interviewer: So, what's your biggest stren–WHAT? " +3610,0,"I once dead lifted 350 lbs Well technically I attempted to lift 350 lbs then colapsed on the ground under the bar, but I'm pretty sure it's the same thing." +3611,3,"A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. “Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me...”" +3612,1,Why do doctors always tell me to take half a dose? Isn't that just an 'uno'? +3613,0,"My friend David lost his ID the other day, Do you know what we call him? Irresponsible David!!" +3614,1,My girlfriend showed me a new rap song recently. That shit hits harder than my dad's belt. +3615,3,What does a vegetarian Zombie eat ? GRAINS. +3616,2,Small dick jokes are always funnier than big dick jokes. because they’re more relatable :( +3617,0,Who teaches at a mosque? A mosquito +3618,3,Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack... I guess you could say they were the target audience. +3619,2,If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents... I'd have 60% gross margins. ​ +3620,2,Whata the difference between a ginger and a brick? Bricks get laid. +3621,1,What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. +3622,0,What genre of music is popular in Vatican? Pope Music! +3623,2,"A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim? Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!' So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and what do I see? Vaivaivai, my neighbor is sitting next to my wife! So I pull out my knife [makes knife-pulling motion]! But then I think, 'No-no-no, Gogi, you were also sitting next to his wife!' ...But then I look again, and - Vaivaivai, my neighbor is [makes hugging motion] hugging my wife! So I pull out my knif... Judge: Defendant, can you get to the point? Georgian man: Details, important! So I pull out my knife [knife-pulling motion]! But then I go, 'No-no-no, Gogi, you were also hugging his wife! ... But then I look again! And what do I see??? My neighbor is KISSING my wife! So I pull... Judge [visibly irate]: Defendant... Georgian man: [waves him off] ...pull out my knife! But then I go, 'No-no-no, Gogi, you were also kissing his wife!' ...But then I look again! [O_o] And what do I see, my neighbor is... Judge [screaming]: DEFENDANT, WHY did you KILL the VICTIM??!!! Georgian man: I did NOT wipe my dick off on *HIS* curtain!!!" +3624,1,What happened to the fly when he tried to get through a screen door? He strained himself. +3625,1,In many U.S. States offenders receive a harsher penalty for hitting a dog than they do for hitting a woman. That's outrageous either way you're slapping a bitch +3626,2,What's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? About two weeks. +3627,1,No matter how much of a good boy you are There's always a dog that's a gooder boy than you +3628,0,What kind of bird doesn’t quit? The swallow +3629,3,"The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. The Rules: 1.YOU may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 2. There are 6 floors, and the products value increases as the shopper ascends the flights 3. The customer may choose any item on a particular floor OR may choose to go up to the next floor, but can not go back down a floor, EXCEPT to exit the building. A Woman goes to the Husband Store to find a Husband. On floor 1, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs! Intrigued she goes to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and Love Kids! ""That's nice"" she thinks, ""but I want more!"" so she proceeds to the Third Floor. Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are EXTREMELY Good Looking. ""WOW"" she thinks, and is compelled to keep going. She heads to the 4th floor, where the sign reads: Floor 4.: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead Good Looking AND help with the housework. ""Mercy!"" she exclaims, "" I can hardly stand it!"" She proceeds to the 5th Floor where the sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are Drop Dead Gorgeous, Help with the Housework, and have a STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK. While tempted to stay, she gives in to her temptation to go to the 6th floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6: you are visitor 31,456, 006 to this floor. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping the husband store! But NOTE: To avoid gender bias, the store owners opened a New Wives store right across the street. First Floor: These wives will LOVE SEX. Second Floor: This floor has wives who LOVE SEX, HAVE MONEY, AND LIKE BEER! The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited. so NO ONE knows what is there!" +3630,5,"This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, ""Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."" ""Oh, really? Darn it!"" said the little old lady. ""I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."" ""Well, now, not so fast,"" said the police officer. ""Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"" ""Oh, no, no,"" said the old lady. ""You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course. ""A lot of golfers come and wee wee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. ""It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? ""So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'"" “Well, that seems only fair,"" said the police officer, laughing. ""OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"" ""Not everybody pays,” she said." +3631,3,"Two men are driving along a rural road when the driver spots a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence... The driver pulls the car over and walks over to the sheep. The passenger watching this assumes he got out to help. The driver, not having intercourse for the longest time, drops his pants and starts sodomizing the sheep. The passenger is shocked and yells out the window, ""What the hell are you doing?!"". The driver, mid-stroke yells back, ""I'm fucking this sheep, you want some of this?"". So the passenger gets out of the car and sticks his head in the fence. " +3632,2,Why do they call camels the 'ships of the desert'? They are often full of Arab semen. +3633,2,"Well how nice! Two older southern women recently rekindle a friendship after many, many years. They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives. The first older lady, starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life. “See this big ol ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.” Second lady, “Well how nice.” First lady, “See that big ol nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me” Second lady, “Well how nice.” First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house. “See this big ol house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.” Second lady, “Well how nice.” First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?” Second lady, “Well my husband sent me to finishing school.” First lady, incredulous, “Now why would he do something like that?” Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like ‘Well how nice’ instead of fuck you.”" +3634,0,What shouldn't you tell a guy worried about the results of his HIV test? Just be positive. +3635,2,Why did the gay man go to the chiropractor? He couldn’t sit straight. +3636,1,What is the hairiest side of a horse? The Outside +3637,1,My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker At least that's what I think she wrote in her diary... binoculars are hard to read through +3638,5,Why did the spy cross the road? He was never on your side +3639,0,"Religious puppies Disclaimer : I am not personally religious and do not agree with the premise of this joke. It was told to me often as a child of extremely religious parents. I do not endorse this joke in any way. It's a silly joke that, in my opinion, highlights the absurdity of extreme religious fundamentalists. An Atheist is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog had just given birth to. He goes up to the girl and says, ""Little girl, I think it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."" The little girl says, ""Thank you, Sir. Would you like a puppy? They are Atheist puppies."" He declines and jogs onward. The next day, he jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. ""You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Atheist."" The girl says, ""I'm sorry Sir, but they're not Atheist puppies any more. They are Jehovah's Witness puppies now."" The man asks, ""They are? They were Atheist puppies yesterday. How do you know that they changed their faiths?"" She says, ""Well, just after they were born their eyes were shut and they were Atheist, but after several days, their eyes were opened and they started going door to door preaching the word of God.""" +3640,3,I got so fed up with my wife complaining about my sense of direction I packed my stuff up and right. +3641,4,"Knock knock “Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?” “It’s Dave!” “Dave who?” Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him." +3642,1,Suppose you are an idiot and suppose you are a Member of Congress ? But... I repeat myself +3643,0,"A fireman, an old man, a smart woman and santa... are in a room. The lights go down for a few seconds and the old man is found dead, stabbed in the back. Who killed him? The fireman, because smart women and santa don't exist." +3644,2,What do you call a fake potato? An imitater +3645,2,What do midget skaters and couples with children have in common? Mini-Vans +3646,1,I was in the bank yesterday and all the money floated out of the vault and flew right out the door... It was a polterheist. +3647,6,"A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away. Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole." +3648,3,What's an Italian baker's favourite book? *Focaccia in the Rye*. +3649,4,So an Irishman walks out of a bar... That’s the joke. +3650,4,I Hadn't been into a sex shop in a long time. Blow up dolls cost a lot more than they used to... I guess that's from all the inflation. +3651,0,"EGOT - Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony. NEGROT - Nobel, Emmy, Grammy, Razzie, Oscar, Tony." +3652,1,"What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff? Baa-Dum-Sss" +3653,0,Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door. But he was unable to decide between oak or cedar. +3654,2,I was walking through the park and seen two blondes I was walking through the park and seen two blondes. One was digging a hole and the other was filling it in. I asked what was going on and they said there's usually three of us but the one who plants the tree in on the sick +3655,1,"Aliens invade the Earth Aliens invade the Earth. They round-up the leaders of all countries in the world. Their leader brags to them about how superior and far more intelligent their race is compared to earthlings who are focused on petty differences and destroying their own planet. Just to give an example of his intelligence he proclaims that he can touch the genitals of each world leader blindfolded and guess exactly who it is. Donald Trump yells out ""fake news"". So the leader of the aliens says that he will prove it and if he is wrong the aliens will leave the planet earth. They line up all the world leaders and blindfold their leader. He starts with Putin, touches his genitals and yells ""Putin"". Next up is the leader of France, he touches his genitals and yells out ""Its Macron"". He goes through each leader and guessing everyone correctly. When he gets to Trump, and as soon as he is about touch his junk, Trump turns around. The alien leader touches him and yells ""It is Angela Merkel"". Donald Trump starts jumping around in joy because the alien leader was wrong. And the aliens embarrassed, leave the planet earth to be enventually destroyed by humans. " +3656,0,9/11 jokes are horrible and offensive because my dad died in it! He was the best pilot in Iraq +3657,1,"There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum. He did his time and was released as a ""rehabilitated man"". The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up. His father approached him and asked one question :- ""So...Usain?"" " +3658,1,Did you know that Germany has one of the highest renewable energy use ratings in the world? They most certainly use less gas now. +3659,0,"Three men and a woman are marooned on an island After one week, the woman felt so guilty about what she had been doing that she killed herself. After another week, the three men felt so terrible about what they had been doing they buried her. After another week the three men felt so terrible about what they were doing that they dug her up" +3660,0,How do you end a party in a redneck trailer park? Flush the punch bowl +3661,0,"A Little Girl Walks Into Her Parents' Bedroom A 5 year old girl walks into her parents bedroom. She sees her mother naked, getting dressed. Confused, she asks her mother about her body. ""Mommy, Mommy, what are those?"" she asks. ""These?"" her mother asks. ""They're my breasts sweetie."" ""Am I going to get those?"" she asks. ""Yes, sweetie."" her mother says. ""When?"" asks the girl. ""When you're older."" her mother says. She then looks down. ""Mommy, what's that?"" she asks. ""This is pubic hair."" the mother says. ""You'll get that when you're older as well."" Her mother gets dressed and goes downstairs. Her father then comes out of the bathroom, drying himself off. The girl sees him, and has more questions. ""Daddy, Daddy, what's that?"" she asks. ""Oh, it's my penis,"" he says. ""When am I going to get that?"" she asks. ""Probably when you're 16 in the back of some guys car"" he says. " +3662,1,"New Doctor goes on round at the asylum. He talks to one man, He ask ""Who are you?"" The patient says "" I, sir, an Napoleon."" ""How do you know you are Napoleon?"" Asks the doctor. ""God told me"", and the next bed over comes, ""I did not.""" +3663,0,"6 was afraid of 7 because 7,8,9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day" +3664,2,When chemists die... they barium +3665,2,"Why did Russia nuke USA? Because Trump spelled ""nudes"" wrong." +3666,0,"My wife has a tattoo on her leg picturing a seashell When you put your ear against it, you can smell the sea." +3667,1,I dont always listen to Pantera... ..but when I do my neighbours listen too! +3668,8,"Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father! Daughter: Age is not that important to me. Mom: That’s not what I was talking about." +3669,0,"A Ginger's skin goes... ""YOU... SHALL NOT... TAAAANNN!!""" +3670,2,What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common? Neither can achieve an election +3671,3,Without the Americans we wouldn't have 9/11 We would have 11/9 instead. +3672,3,How do you organise a space party? You planet. +3673,1,"My friend told me the best way to brew a cup of tea is to agitate the bag, so I tried this next morning. I went down stairs and slapped her ass." +3674,0,"Bill O'Reilly is holding a lecture about nuclear physics. When he starts taking about bosons he warns his audience: ""Caution: you're about to enter the no spin zone.""" +3675,3,After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad... We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities. I guess you could call it ironic bonding. +3676,2,EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!! And replacing them with macro-transactions. +3677,2,How do churches acquire holy water? They boil the hell out of it. +3678,0,Did you hear about the secret plan to make new revisions to MLA? No. That sounds absurd! Who told you that? I have my sources. +3679,1,"One day I saw a homeless man... I took pity on him. I brought him to my house, fed him, bathe him, and even let him stay at my house for a bit until he finds a job. However, he took advantage of this and became lazy. And everyday, he would raid my fridge and eat my food. I decide one day to put a stop to this. I bought a can of leafy vegetables and put it on the kitchen counter. One day, when he walked in, he saw the can, screamed and ran far away. He never came back and I never saw him again. I gave myself a pat on the back. How did I know this would work? Because nobody expects the spinach in the kitchen. " +3680,0,"Heavily pregnant woman on her OB-GYN appointment. The doc sais: ""The baby is almost due. About time you lose that bush, don't you think?"" She replies: ""Maybe after the baby is born. It\\`s a lot of work and takes a lot of time to groom that area."" Doc replies: ""A lot of work and time? Well, what have you been doing for the past 9 months?"" Woman: ""My point exactly!""" +3681,1,A joke my friend told me Why did the doctor go to hospital? It was his fucking job you idiot! +3682,1,For the first time in my life a girl told me she loved me Arent moms great? +3683,3,"Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day... ...the side chick is you." +3684,4,"Local ads... A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”" +3685,1,I wanted to buy a hockey stadium. But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate. +3686,0,"A woman saw her ginger ex boyfriend Ed, Sheeran away." +3687,0,"Those Yeti mugs are amazing. It was 10 degrees outside. I filled my Yeti with hot coffee, went to work and left it in my car for four hours. Then I went to the gym for an hour, came back out, and Donald Trump was impeached." +3688,0,What comes after Refugees? Refuaitches +3689,1,"A nutritionist throws a party A few minutes in, the doorbell rings. One guest walks up to the door and says,""It's Thomas from work!"" ""Well,"" replied the nutritionist, ""In-vitamin.""" +3690,1,"Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying to escape a controlling husband. “Hey!” the charming man exclaimed. “We should start a circus when we get to Oklahoma! I’ll be the ring leader and people will come from far away to see us perform!” “What will I be?” asked the contortionist. “Why, you’ll be the finest acrobat people have ever laid eyes on!” responded the charming man. “What will I be?” asked the quiet girl. “You’ll be a geek,” the charming man said, “and people will gaze in wonder while you bite the heads off chickens. It’ll be unlike anything they’ve ever seen!” “And what will I be?” asked the woman pregnant with triplets. The charming man thought for a second, then beamed with pride as he responded, “A clown car!”" +3691,3,How hot is the inside of a tauntaun? lukewarm +3692,0,"My favorite offensive joke So, it was christmas night and Santa Claus was going around the world flying on his sleigh. He then flies over Ethiopia, where a kid see's him on the sky. ""Santa Claus, Santa Claus"" he shouts, so from all houses really thin kids come out. All the children, with that sparkle in the eyes, looking up and yelling ""Santa! Santa is here!"" Santa looks down and says: ""No no no.. Children that don't eat get no gifts""" +3693,1,"Knock knock? ""Who's there?"" ""Doctor."" ""Doctor who?"" ""No it's Doctor Richmond. I'm sorry, You have cancer.""" +3694,0,"Walk home from school Once upon a time, there was a boy called Little John. Little John was from a low-income family that was barely keeping up. One day, Little John had to go to school, but his mother couldn't pick him up that day. ""Here's five dollars, John. Do not use these unless you absolutely need to, okay?"" Little John understood their situation and agreed. When Little John returned home from, his mother asked him for the five dollars. ""Sorry, mom. I found the need to use them."" ""For?"" ""When I was walking home, I saw a man yelling in the corner in the street."" His mother, amazed that Little John already thinks about those in need, hugged him. ""So? What was he yelling?"" ""Somewhere along the lines of popsicles, and, two for the price one.""" +3695,0,Did you know that only 1 in 3000 calico cats are male? That's a lot of pussy! Meow! +3696,5,"Goodbye Grandpa Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime. She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..." +3697,3,"My doctor asked me how my sex life is with Erectile Dysfunction I replied, “Ever try playing pool with a rope?”" +3698,0,What do you give to an owl who is not being himself? A Bowl (B-Owl) +3699,2,If there is an Urban Dictionary... ...Shouldn't there be a Rural Dictionary Credits to my friend Portia. +3700,1,"3 women where having a coffee and some girl talk One of them goes: ""Girls, if you're man was to be compared to a soda brand, what would it be? Mine would be 7UP, because he's 7 hard inches, always up"" ""Well mine would be Mountain Dew since he likes to mount and do me everyday."" says the second. The last one ponders for a second in silence and then adds: ""Well I guess mine would be Jack Daniels"" ""But baby, that's not soda!"" said the other girls ""That's hard liquor!"" ""That's my Leroy!"" " +3701,0,Why did Mary Magdalen love Jesus? *Spreads arms* Because he was hung like this +3702,0,"Soviet Joke Two Soviet Party members talk: - So, how do we plan to get Soviet citizens to live well? - We have two options: fantasy option and realistic option - Ok, what are they? - Fantasy - that we do it ourselves. Realistic - aliens from space come and help us" +3703,1,What should you do before you do an exorcism of your house Do a little reconnai-seance +3704,2,"A black 3rd grader realizes he has the biggest dick in his class... He asks his mom ""Is it because I'm black?"" ""No, son. It's because you're 19""" +3705,0,Hey baby Are you a deceased former senator? Because I'm at half mast right now. +3706,0,"Three men are terminally ill with cancer They decide to each try to break a world record before they die. The first man says ""Maybe I have the longest arms in the world!"" the second man says ""Maybe I have the longest legs in the world!"" the third man says ""Maybe I have the shortest dick in the world!"" So the three head to Guinness World Record's head office to find out. The first man, feeling accomplished says ""I do have the longest arms in the world!"" the second man says ""I do have the longest legs in the world!"" the third man says ""Who the fuck is *insert name of reader*?!"" Upvote me if I haven't offended you too much ;)" +3707,0,What's a joke's favorite kind of music? *pun*k rock +3708,1,Why is 10 scared? Its in the middle of 9/11 you insensitive fuck. +3709,1,What do corals get stressed about? Current events. +3710,2,A fish swam into a wall He said Damn +3711,0,"My mom passed today. She was the most selfless person I knew, right up to her dying breath. I think her brain was going though. I'm not allergic to anything, so I'm not sure why she was so insistent on giving me her Epi-pen." +3712,1,"A little music joke fo you ""I baroque my leg"" ""Don't worry, I think you can Handel it""" +3713,0,"Mummy, when I grow up I wanna be a drummer! ""No dear, you can't do both."" " +3714,0,What's the largest cell in the world? A prison cell! +3715,0,"One percent Some people love to shut down people who talk about trans and intersex issues by saying that they're ""only 1% of the population"" and thus can be ignored since they ""aren't systematically significant enough. By that logic, we can now systematically ignore: * Redheads * The entire state of Rhode Island * Anyone who makes over $500,000 a year * Pacific Islanders * Australia" +3716,2,"Sailor Cant Take It So a couple of sailors were sitting around the ship's mess hall trading stories of their most adventurous sexual encounters. Trading stories back and fourth they realized that Jim hadn't said anything at all. So Jim's shipmates ask him to tell them a really juicy sex story. Jim replied "" I don't have one. I'm a virgin."" His shipmates were flabbergasted by this and told him. ""When we get to port we are getting you a hooker!"" So they arrived at port and Jim's shipmates did what they promised and took him to the brothel. Jim's picks out his girl and they head to their room. The hooker asked. ""OK sailor what will it be? Jim replies "" I""m not sure? I've never been in this situation before."" Hooker says: Listen, you and 5,000 sailors just got to port I don't have time to figure this out for you!"" Sailor replies"" ""What are my options?"" Madam: "" Whatever you want! Straight pussy, up the ass, 69... Your choice!"" Sailor says: ""Oookkk I'll try that 69."" So they both undress and the hooker jumps on top. They both start going at it and the hooker's stomach starts to bubble up and she lets a nasty fart out. She takes a quick but concerning look back and sees the fart didn't break the sailor's stride, he is still going at it. So she returns to sucking his dick. Then her stomach starts acting up again, and again she rips a nasty fart right in his face. She looks back this time and asks "" Everything ok back there?"" Sailor replies: ""Yes, ma'am. But I'm not sure I can take 67 more of those!""" +3717,5,"Smart Diagnosis Machine One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ""My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."" ""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"" Mike replies. ""There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."" So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. " +3718,2,"Needed some help with romance, so I took the book ""How to Hug"" out of the library. Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia." +3719,2,My wife wanted to make love ‘like they do in the movies’ So I hired a film crew +3720,1,Just got laid with a pregnant woman. It's the best threesome I've ever had. +3721,3,I hate negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them. +3722,1,I just finished 'Great Expectations'... *...It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.* +3723,3,"A Jewish Samurai [Long] Once upon a time there was a competition in Japan to decide who would be the new head samurai. There were 3 contestants, A Jewish Samurai, and Christian Samurai, and a Muslim Samurai. The emperor of Japan says to the Muslim Samurai to go first, so, The Muslim Samurai spots a bee and slices it clean in half. Next, the emperor asks the Christian Samurai to go. The Christian Samurai spots another bee and slices the bee's wings clean off. Finally, The emperor asks the Jewish Samurai to go. The Jewish Samurai spots a bee and slashes quickly through the air, but it seems like no visible damage has been done to the bee. The emperor says ""You clearly have missed, the bee is alive and flying well"" And the Jewish Samurai responds ""Of course the bee is fine, circumcision isn't fatal""." +3724,1,"Roses are red, sometimes they're white Just like my linens This is a Tide commercial" +3725,0,What happens when a Republican and a Lobbyist get in bed? Tax payer gets screwed ​ ​ Credit: Cenk Uyger +3726,4,"My friend and his wife found each other on a dating website, Three years after marriage. That was awkward." +3727,3,"Two men and a hooker A hooker’s car breaks down and she goes to the nearby shop to fix it. She meets two mechanic guys who tell her the price she can’t afford. “I’ll pay you in sex” she says. “But you have to use condoms and don’t take it off or I’ll get pregnant” The mechanics agree and they proceed to fix her car after. The woman drives happily away with her car fix 6months later... The mechanic guys are at the shop and one of them says to another “hey remember that hooker we had sex with?” The other guy says “yeah” “Well I don’t know about you but I’m going to take this condom off already, who cares if she gets pregnant”" +3728,5,"I live with my wife in a two story house... ""I'm too tired"" and ""I have a headache"" are the only two stories I hear..." +3729,2,Why chicken coop only have two doors? If it has 4 doors it would be chicken sedan +3730,0,"So my mom asked me to clean my room. I told her than clean rooms weren’t entropically favored, and we’d have to wait until summer or move south for it to be hot enough to do it." +3731,1,"Two nuns are driving along, and suddenly a bat lands on the windshield. The two nuns look at each other, frightened. ""Spray it with the wiper fluid,"" says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat doesn't move. ""Turn on the wipers, then,"" says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat still manages to cling on to the windshield. Sister Margaret is struck by a sudden idea. ""I know what to do,"" she says. ""Show him your cross!"" So Sister Theresa rolls down the window and sticks her head out. ""Hey, asshole,"" she shouts. ""Get off my damn windshield!""" +3732,5,"Two priests are driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver ""Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"" The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says; ""Alright officer, we'll do it""" +3733,2,I used scissors to unclog my toilet I just cut the crap +3734,4,"How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb? YOU DON’T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!!!" +3735,2,I find all these obese jokes horrible. Don't you think they have enough on their plate already? +3736,0,"[nswf] The family walks into the hotel Father goes up to the front desk and says ""I hope porn is disabled."" The guy at front desk responds ""It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."" " +3737,2,"Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer... ""Would there be anything else?"" asks the bartender. Descartes says, ""I think not"", and disappears." +3738,0,Did you hear the one about the peanut who rode the subway? He was a salted. Sexually. He was a salted sexually. . . .there's nothing funny about that. +3739,2,I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats Until I sat on a warm one +3740,2,How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? There's really no sure way to know. +3741,1,My wife accidentally dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine... Her clothes don’t fit anymore... +3742,1,"I love it when elderly people are queue-jumping ahead of me in the grocery store. In a patronizing way I then say: ""It's ok, you don't have for so long anymore.""" +3743,1,Women are weird They are able to identify 350 colors of lipstick but they are not able to recognize idiot from normal guy. +3744,1,Did you know Hitler was very opposed to tractor-trailers? Turns out he was a huge anti-semi. +3745,1,How do you tiptoe 24 inches away? With two feet. +3746,3,"A man walks into a bar and see a jar filled with $5 bills... He sits down and the bartender tells him if he puts $5 in the jar and completes 3 different tasks he would win all the money in the jar. The man agrees to try. He puts the $5 in the jar and then the bartender proceeds to tell him what he first 3 tasks are. ""First you have to drink a whole bottle of tequila without making a face. Second there's a angry Rottweiler out back with a sore tooth that you need to pull. And finally there's an old woman upstairs who has never had sex in her life. Go upstairs have sex with her and then you'll get all the money."" The man agrees to the challenge and puts $5 in the jar. He first grabs the tequila and downs the whole bottle without making a face. The bartender then tells him go outside next. The man then heads outside to complete his second task. While the man is outside the bartender can hear the Rottweiler growling and howling and making a lot of noise as he completes the second task. He''s out there for awhile and finally comes back in obviously exhausted. He has blood, scratches, and bite marks covering his body. He then turns to the bartender and says ""Okay, now where's the lady with the sore tooth.""" +3747,2,"What's brown and rhymes with ""snoop""? Dr. Dre" +3748,0,Whats the difference between a guy who's got his left leg and arm amputated and a black guy? He has rights. +3749,2,Yo momma is so stupid... ... she single-handedly became a threat to literally millions of people by deciding not to vaccinate you or your siblings. +3750,1,News: A car crashed into a hair salon yesterday afternoon. Still waiting for the highlights! +3751,4,"Mario and Luigi Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears: ""First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"" She walks up and slaps him. ""Mario! That's disgusting!"" ""What? I teach a Luigi to spell Mississippi!"" " +3752,2,"A blind man walks into the bakery A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I’m going on vacation, and they have such lovely story’s written on them!" +3753,0,"How many DonaId Trumps does it take to screw in a light globe? None, he can pay someone to do it for him." +3754,5,"A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson.. when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says ""Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"" ""First is you should be fearless"", saying this he sticks his finger in the dead-body's butthole and puts it in his mouth. Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted, the professor says in a commanding voice ""Everyone line up and do what i just did"", hesitatingly every student repeat what their professor did. After the initial commotion settles down and everyone's had their turn, the professor says ""The second thing you need to remember is having a keen sense of observation, just like how I stuck my index finger in and put my ringfinger in my mouth""" +3755,3,"I called the hotel front desk, livid. “There’s semen on the comforter!” I yelled “I’m sorry sir, I don’t know what to say except I’ll have house keeping up there immediately” When housekeeping arrived, they were extremely apologetic. “I’m so sorry sir, I don’t know how this happened.” I said “Please just get it out of here. Happens every time I masturbate.”" +3756,1,My universal remote is finally here Now this changes everything +3757,1,What's the Hong Kong police's favorite band? The Beatles. +3758,5,"In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket... As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, ""How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"" At this, the Texan drawled, ""Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.""" +3759,0,I went to my girlfriends house the other day. She said who are you and why are you in my house? +3760,2,"Too Drunk to Remember.... A man had a horrible day , he was upset and stressed and thought you know what, I am gonna drink my ass off tonight, I don't even care. The bar was across the street from his house so he didn't have to worry about transportation or anything and so he went to get drunk and forget his problems. And so, he began drinking, and drinking, and drinking and drinking.... Last call came, and the bar was closing. So he was like alright I guess I better go. He stood but his legs wobbled and BAM he fell to the floor. ''Shit, I must be more drunk then I thought.'' He got up again, took a step the wobble began again, his knees and legs gave out and BAM, he fell again. Goddamn! I must be really fucked up. No worries, I live across the street Ill just slither my ass across. So the man manged to cross the street on his stomach dragging himself and got to his door, it was real late obviously so he knew his wife would be asleep so he quietly was able to open the door, he slipped inside and slithered into bed quietly. Morning came and the man woke up to his wife screaming at him. ""YOU IDIOT, YOU WERE AT THE BAR DRINKING ALL NIGHT AGAIN WEREN'T YOU!!"" No Honey, I swear I wasn't. Why, who the hell told you that?? ""THE BARTENDER CALLED AGAIN, SAID YOU LEFT YOUR DAMN WHEELCHAIR THERE!""" +3761,0,"I met someone who said they've castrated hundreds of animals and kept them all as souvenirs... ...I replied, ""What a load of bollocks!""" +3762,0,What month are lumberjacks especially cautious? Sep-TIMBER!!!! +3763,0,Five guys walk into a restaurant. They own the place. +3764,7,"A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks ""How much for a beer?"" The bartender replies ""Free"". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender ""Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"" The Bartender replies ""Free"". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says ""Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place"". The bartender then says ""Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife"". The guy looks all confused, then asks ""What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"" The bartender then says ""The same thing I'm doing to his business""." +3765,0,My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life. I pull her down. +3766,0,What do we want? Tourette Research! When do we want it? CUNT!!! +3767,0,"Now that weed is legal in Canada, I’m getting into so many accidents and getting way more speeding tickets! There are roadside tests now, so my wife has to drive us everywhere!" +3768,0,Wanna hear a clean joke? A little boy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was an old man +3769,4,I hate One Direction fans! I need to cool my whole room but the damn thing won't blow any other way +3770,0,"It's a shit joke I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of shit were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place. Eventually I would have to do one of two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its 'Can't-Be-Flushed' threshold. As I was contemplating this problem, I had what seemed at the time to be a brilliant idea. ""Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair all together, and then my crap will flow out like beer from a keg!` I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements, things like ""How many Indians could there be?` said by General Custer. ""Looks like a good day for a drive!` by JFK, or ""There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!` by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled; satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know? I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass-cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. And I mean it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4-block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: ""It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."" Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair, ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass-cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum-sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing back in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that's what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. All I can say is friends don't shave your ass hair!" +3771,4,"Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail? Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week." +3772,0,[pun] Why did Elon musk laughed so hard at the deer meme? Because he knew he lost a concurrent +3773,0,"On the first terraforming mission to Mars, checking the controls: ""Can you see if the oxygen levels have stabilized yet?"" ""I really don't know, it's all up in the air.""" +3774,5,"One of my employees called in sick today because his donkey broke it's leg and he had to wait on a vet... I'll admit, it was a lame ass excuse." +3775,0,"No Dumb Questions (Except This One) Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked. I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.” “OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”" +3776,3,I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator Discovered the Piña Collider +3777,0,What's better than getting a silver medal at the Paralympics? Not being disabled. +3778,0,A cop stops a German child from driving on the highway COP: How old are you? Do you speak english? German: Nine. +3779,0,"Did you know there are two secret extra letters in the alphabet following the letter, ""I""? J K" +3780,1,What month celebrates Holocaust deniers? July. +3781,1,Which state contains the most Jews? Gaseous state. +3782,0,What do you call an empty jar of cheese whizz? Cheese was +3783,0,Did you hear about Teddy getting hit with a salt shaker? He was a salt ted +3784,1,This travelling to different countries to watch Suits is getting real expensive! Netflix US. +3785,2,There are only two types of people I hate in this world... Racists and black people. +3786,0,I have turned on auto rotate in my phone Suddenly it fell and start to spin +3787,1,Whats good about dating twenty eight year olds? Theres twenty of them. +3788,4,How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer? He's out standing in his field +3789,1,My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF. She didn't want a long distance relationship. +3790,2,how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? NONE +3791,3,Don't fret. You're not a guitar. +3792,1,My Golden Rule for dating No sex before the first date +3793,1,"The other day, I'm checking my buddy's engine Out of nowhere, he tells me about the journey he took to find the woman he felt was inside him all along. But after a day of wearing make-up and a sundress, he knew it didn't feel right. And that's when I discovered his faulty trans mission." +3794,5,My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food Sushi left me. +3795,1,Everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she was going to be a comedian Nobody is laughing now +3796,0,"My girlfriend came home with a hickey When I asked her who gave to her, she told me ""no-one!"" I guess she is cheating on me with a faceless man.." +3797,1,What is a Russians favorite sex position? Putin it in the ass. +3798,0,This guy fell in a sewer... He didn't try seriously to escape. He just went through the motions. Edit - Sorry. He didn't try to seriously escape. No wait. He didn't try to escape. Seriously. +3799,2,What's the difference between a good joke and click bait? This isn't a good joke. +3800,0,What happened to all the funny chemistry puns? They Argon... +3801,5,"A guy meets a hooker in a bar And buys her a drink. She says to him ""For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words."" So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says ""Paint. My. House""." +3802,2,Damn girl are you a planet? Because i can see Uranus through my binoculars at night. +3803,3,"I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.... scared the shit out of me. So that's it, after today ... no more reading!" +3804,0,What do you call a fish that takes a selfie? Selfish +3805,3,My doctor gave me a prescription of daily sex My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia +3806,4,"What's a alcoholic Jack asks his father ""Dad, what's an alcoholic?"" The dad says ""You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic."" the son replies with ""But dad I only see two""" +3807,0,What’s the best thing to ever come from England? America (f**k yeah!) +3808,1,"Do you know the difference between a bachelor and a toilet? A bachelor is single, you see, and a toilet is WC." +3809,4,"I had sex with my teacher After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, ""I had sex with my teacher."" She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, ""I had sex with my teacher."" The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, ""No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.""" +3810,2,How would a world without friction be? Idk dude but I heard it’s going to be slick! +3811,0,I just heard there was a credible threat that someone was getting ready to bomb the inauguration!!! ….hope Trump rewrites his speech before then +3812,2,Did you know pigeons die after sex? Well at least the one I fucked did. +3813,5,Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection? I dont have a porsche. (Best told by whispering in someones ear.) +3814,1,"You know, I used to hate my haircut... ... but it's really growing on me!" +3815,1,What do you call an herbivorous dinosaur with a plan to take over the world? A stegalomaniac. +3816,1,"When you have sex, God is watching... What a freak." +3817,0,"A Wealthy Programmer Freezes Himself. Back in the early 70s, a programmer was able to build several complex systems and was heavily compensated for his work. Throughout the years, he put his knowledge to work and was able to fix almost any problem thrown at him. Unfortunately, however, he learnt from his doctor that he was slowly dying from cancer. The cure was not available at the time so this programmer took his doctor's advice and was experimental frozen in the hopes that he would be thawed out and cured. His money was frozen with him. Some time passes and the programmer suddenly feels cold. ""It works!"", he thought, ""I am being unfrozen!"" He falls to the floor and is helped up by several men and women wearing tech gear he has never seen before. ""Hello, we unthawed you hoping that you could help us solve a bug in our bank system. You are the only one with enough experience to do it"", said one of the men. ""In exchange, we will cure your cancer with electrotherapy invented around the 2400s"", he added. Rejoicing, the man asked several questions about their stack and development process and when he will be learning the new technology. He also asked if c++ and java were still around as they were his favorite languages. Laughing, the bank manager said that, with some exceptions, none of the major languages of your time are used anymore. He then said, ""Don't worry though, you don't need to know this. Our bug is in COBOL and you are the only one for the job. The last guy who fixed it was thrown 16 feet through the air in 2998 by the undertaker during a hell in a cell match." +3818,5,"One in four people is homosexual... which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay. I hope it's Paul; he's cute." +3819,0,What do we want? What do we want? -Clickbait! When do we want it? -THE ANSWER WILL SHOCK YOU!! +3820,1,"Elderly couple An elderly couple havent had sex in quiet a while, and wanted to try something new, so they decided to eat lunch naked. While eating, Grandma says : oh dear grandpa, it warms my heart when we are together like this! To which he replies : well, be wierd if it didnt, your tits are in your soup!" +3821,0,What do you call a Redhead who dyes her hair Blonde? TransGinger +3822,0,I just put the bowls in the wrong way in the dishwasher My mom said that it was bowlshit. +3823,0,"Wow, I can't believe Ben 10 started 12 years ago. Bet he's Ben 22 now." +3824,0,The 2016 US Presidential Election was HILARYOUS +3825,0,"A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods. She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap. *The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.* *The woman frees the frog, and the frog says: Thank you, but I have failed to mention that there is a condition attached to your wishes, and that is: whatever you wish, your husband will get ten times of that wish.* *The woman says: That is okay with me.* *For her first wish, she wants to be the most beautiful woman in the world.* *The frog warns her: you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, to whom women will just flock to!* *The woman replies, That is fine, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.* *So in a movement, she becomes the most beautiful Woman in the world.* *For her second wish, she wants to be the richest woman in the world.* *The frog says: That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.* *The woman replies: That is okay, because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.* *So, in a split second she becomes the richest woman in the world.* *The frog then asks her, what is her third wish?* *She says: I would like to have a mild heart attack.* *Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.* *Attention female readers:* *This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!* *Male readers: Please scroll down.* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *The man had a heart attack ten times ""milder"" than his wife!!!* *Moral of the story : Women are great but sometimes falsely believe that they are very smart. Disclaimer: I am not sexist. This to all the men for a good laugh, and to all of those ladies who have a good sense of humour." +3826,0,"Austin Powers is having an affair with a bee. For the first time, the bee invites him over to her place. There is much anticipation. When Austin finally sees her house he exclaims “Oh, beehiiive!”" +3827,2,"I was lining up a camera shot in Asia ""Japan?"" No, it was a still shot." +3828,1,What would a Jewish Black Panther eat? T’challah bread. +3829,1,Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? I heard it was a pretty shady business. +3830,4,"A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus, The bartender says ""Don’t you mean a Martini?"" The Roman then says ""Look,if I want a double I’ll ask for one." +3831,0,The Fifth Element is just a movie about Bruce Willis looking for a good stove top. Any recommendations? +3832,1,"A boy walks in on his parents... He sees his dad railing his mom from behind. His dad looks over at him and gives him a big thumbs up and continues on. After they finish, the mom says that he should check on the boy and see how he’s doing. So the father goes downstairs and hears a weird noise coming from his room. He opens the door and sees his son ramming his grandma from behind, the boy looks over and says “How do you like it when someone is doing this to your mom.”" +3833,0,Why are golfers like virgins? They are both forever chasing the hole in one. +3834,3,My wife leaves out her dildo My wife leaves dildo out and my son sees it so i kick it under the bed. Son: What was that? Me: A mouse Son: its sure had a big dick +3835,0,I can count the amount of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand... It's six. +3836,1,Aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet because we only have 1 star. They’ll want to visit solar systems with 4 or 5 stars +3837,0,"A sad married couple are talking about renovating their old house Husband: Honey, how many walls are in this room? Wife: Four, and I'm talking to the fifth one." +3838,3,How is holy water made? You take water and boil the hell out of it. +3839,0,"I lost my v-card last night, it was pretty awkward. The hooker wouldn't take American Express." +3840,2,"Where do men that mansplain get water from? From the well, actually...." +3841,2,"If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love? The Swallow " +3842,1,What do you call someone sunbathing in France? A french fry. +3843,1,"A string walks into a bar... ...and asks the bartender for a beer. He nods toward a sign that says ""We don't serve strings!"". The string leaves and puts on a hat and walks back in. He tries to order a beer. The bartender goes to get one but looks at him suspiciously and asks ""Are you a string?"". The string says yes and leaves dejectedly. He makes one more effort and sneaks in through the bank door and goes into the bathroom. He ties the end of himself into a knot and frays the edges to look like hair. He goes to the bar and the bartender asks him....""Are you a string?"" The string replies.... ""No, I'm a frayed knot!""" +3844,3,"Doctor: ""Sir, I'm afraid your MOM has flipped"" Me: ""WOW""" +3845,0,You know the only way to change “Brian” to “brain”? ...by the use of “AI” +3846,1,What eyewear do conmen wear? Con-tacts +3847,0,What does Trump want for Christmas? beautiful clean coal from Santa “Mueller” Clause. I hope this hasn’t been said before. +3848,0,Custer's last thoughts +3849,2,"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" +3850,1,There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary and those who don't. Apologies if this has been posted recently +3851,2,What are coffee shops in Russia called? Tsarbucks. +3852,1,I once wished I could be done pooping. The wish was grunted. +3853,1,"Procrastination is like masturbation ...it feels good, but in the end, you're just fucking yourself" +3854,5,My new girlfriend loves bees. She's a keeper. +3855,3,What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey +3856,1,What did the religious salad say to the fruit Lettuce rejoice and be grapeful +3857,0,A virgin was told a joke about sex he didn't get it +3858,0,Whats pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. +3859,3,"Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot... ...were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. ""Gentlemen,"" the Devil started, ""Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."" The philosopher then stepped up, ""OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."" With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, ""Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, ""Bring me a chair!"" The Devil brought forward a chair. ""Drill 7 holes on the seat."" The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, ""Which hole did my fart come out from?"" The Devil inspected the seat and said,""The third hole from the right."" ""Wrong,"" said the idiot, ""it's from my asshole."" And the idiot went to heaven." +3860,2,Socks are like snowflakes You can never find two that are alike. +3861,1,What do you get when you graph mud versus traction? a slippery slope +3862,0,Christopher Reeve's life took a huge turn he really fell off his high horse. +3863,0,"A Jew walks into a bar ""Ouch"", he says." +3864,4,"If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?" +3865,1,"Did you hear about the article in Psychology Today about disproving the existence of Observation Bias? The head researcher was quoted as saying ""it turned out to be just as we expected""." +3866,3,A deaf-mute man came on a Talent show. And what is your talent? - I can speak! +3867,0,"Simply the worst Bible joke I've ever heard. A minister and his wife go on a mission trip to Alaska. When they get there, the wife discovers her husband didn’t pack the footwear. She confronts him, and he responds, “Oh, I thought you asked if I packed Colossians, not Galoshes!”" +3868,0,"What did The Terminator say when asked what he wanted to dress up as for Halloween? ""I'll be Bach""" +3869,2,Mountains are funny. They're hill areas. +3870,3,"Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts. It's called flatulence. Sorry, I'm a dad. " +3871,3,"A father and his son go into a convenience store. The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees. They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The father replies no. The son pleads with his father for a cigarette. Finally the father asks. Does your dick touch your asshole? The son replies no. So the father says well then you can't have one. Then the father proceeds to crack open a beer. The son asks can I have one of those. The father replies no. The son pleads with the father for a beer. Finally the father asks does your dick touch your asshole? The son replies no. So the father says well then you can't have one. Dejected, the son decides to scratch off his lottery ticket. As he scratches, he discovers he has won the grand prize of one hundred thousand dollars. The father asks you're going to split that with me right? The son asks does your dick touch your asshole? The father replies as a matter of fact yes it does. The son says well then, you can go fuck yourself. " +3872,1,What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? You should probably use more lubricant. +3873,1,My Wife decided to buy me a mood ring... ...to gauge my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns blue and when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark in her forehead. +3874,0,"A mosquito goes to a military base. The commanding officer says, ""Sorry, this is a 'no fly' zone.""" +3875,5,What do you call an emo vegetable? A despair-agus +3876,0,What do you call a seagull flying over the bay? A bagel +3877,1,"I was once asked in a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said, ""I do my best work at one atmosphere.""" +3878,4,What do you get when you cut a piece of poop into three pieces? Turds +3879,1,What do Breath of the Wild and an art store going out of business have in common? The frame rates drop. +3880,1,"If you're looking for a relationship, become a roofer. You're bound to find hot shingles in your area" +3881,0,What does a southern woman call her period? Crimson Tide +3882,0,How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction? A cattle-list +3883,4,Circumcised Paddy says to mick. “I’m getting circumcised tomorrow!” Mick says “ I had that done when I was a few days old” Paddy asks “Does it hurt?” Mick then replies “Well I couldn’t walk for about a year after “ +3884,0,"As a young State Trooper My dad was dispatched to a fatal accident and asked to observe the local police. Upon arrival it was detetmined that a sedan had gone under the trailer of a tractor trailer unit that had been turning left across the traffic lanes. The driver of the sedan, unfortunately, was decapitated. So dad approached one of the local police officers who was in the process of documenting the accident and who appeared to be a bit shaken .... Local: ""the driver's head was found in the median.... median, median how do you spell median.... median, median....."" Local: ""ditch""" +3885,5,I Just got fired from the orange juice factory. They said I could not concentrate +3886,0,"What do A Tribe Called Quest and margarine have in common? It's like butter, baby." +3887,1,"I know this one clever joke about salt, I wonder if I should tell it... ...Na" +3888,0,"The temperature is so hot now in the UK that England invaded itself, enslaved its own people, and is now growing sugar cane, spices, and tea." +3889,2,There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi. +3890,5,"A doctor walks into a bank A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer. ""Oh, that's great,"" he says. ""Some asshole's got my pen!""" +3891,0,"What's a word that no matter how much you spelled it, it always wrong? Wrong, the word is wrong" +3892,2,"Doc: ""Is this better, or is this better?"" Patient: ""They're both terrible..."" Doc: ""OK, C.... or D?"" Patient: ""Why does it even matter?"" Doc: ""E... or F?"" Patient: ""Who cares... Everything is awful..."" Doc: ""Okay sir, you're going to have to leave."" Patient: ""Whatever"" And that, my friends, illustrates the essential difference between pessimists and optometrists." +3893,6,If I had a dollar for every time I said something racist A lot more black people would try to rob me +3894,0,Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? A:\ +3895,1,"Communism doesn't make sense. It doesn't make dollars either, just distributes them." +3896,3,I got fired from a suicide hotline Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology. +3897,2,I didn't hear my brother walk into the room Turns out he was wearing sneakers +3898,2,Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender? She wanted apple juice. +3899,2,I have a heart of a lion I also have a lifetime ban from most zoos in America +3900,0,What helps black people when their car breaks down? The N-triple A-C-P +3901,0,"A man walks into a talent agency with a litter of kittens... The Agent asks: ""What do you call this?"" The man responds: ""The Aristocats!""" +3902,1,"So, I have decided to take this course at the college Intercourse" +3903,3,"Genie: what are your 3 wishes ? me: make every word 4 letters long geni: wish gran meee: make ever word star with ""br"" brni: brsh bran bree: brke brer brrd brnd brth ""uh"" bruh: bruh bruh bruh: bruh bruh bruh bruh: bruh bruh" +3904,0,"So a guy in a donut shop asks the cashier ""Hey, do you have ice cream here?"" The cashier replies... ""No, we donut.""" +3905,0,What does the days of the week pour out of for a drink on a hot day? A jug of leMondayade. +3906,4,"I went to the doctor today and he told me I needed to stop jacking off Said it was ""ruining his rectal exam"". " +3907,3,"Why is Texas a lone star state? ""Because it's terrible."" -Yelp review" +3908,0,I would hate to work in a Job center If you get fired you still have to go back the next day +3909,4,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. +3910,1,Smoking promotes weight loss ..eventually +3911,1,How does a crazy person get through the woods? They take the Psychopath +3912,5,"Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch Bartender says ""Dude, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line. " +3913,0,Another fine day ruined by responsibility. +3914,3,Why are lesbians night lives considered boring? All they really do is eat out +3915,1,Why didn't the teddy bear have any thanksgiving dessert? He was already too stuffed +3916,0,Husband: cool if I play some Destiny tonight? Me: (loudly proclaiming) THIS IS YOUR DESTINY (waving my arms around the house) Husband: (walking away to shower) Me: hey honey? Husband: (walks back) huh? Me: (pointing to his stomach) if you don't start eating better that's going to be the expansion pack +3917,6,"My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding. She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!" +3918,0,"HEY REPUBLICANS!!!! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?!?!? I'm a liberal democrat representing 32 recently deceased voters in Michigan. /s\\" +3919,1,"A man died and was on his way to heaven.. An angel was talking to the man while his soul was leaving his body. The angel said he could go to heaven quicker if he took off his sock. So, the man wanting to go to heaven, took his sock off and was flung up into heaven with lightning speed. When arriving to Heaven, God said, ""where the hell are your clothes?! You're completely naked."" The man simply replied, ""well, that escalated quickly.""" +3920,4,So they are making glass coffins. Will they be popular? Remains to be seen. +3921,0,What happens when a cop sneezes on you? You get the swine flu +3922,4,A polish guy asks a japanese guy a question. Polish: Why is Japan the least obese country in the world? Japanese: Did I tell you what happened the last time we had a fat man in Japan? +3923,9,My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style. but I did it behind her back anyway. +3924,0,I painted my computer black so it would run faster... ... But it didn't. +3925,0,I wanted to tell you all a sex joke Butt fuck it! +3926,2,Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead? Seems like it'd be a little Tidier +3927,3,How did the barber win a race? He knew a short cut. +3928,1,What can easily penetrate armor? An armadildo +3929,1,The clock is ticking... 9:09 9:10 George Bush 9:12 +3930,1,I think I discovered the secret to immortality. Unfortunately it's going to take forever to test. +3931,8,"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, Does that make you an iWitness?" +3932,4,"According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year. Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing." +3933,1,"I got banned from a dating site for life. Apparently ""my dick"" isn't the appropriate answer to the question ""What would you like to see in a woman?""" +3934,9,"Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: ""Name?"". ""Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin"". ​ ""Address?"" ""Kremlin, Moscow, Russia"". ​ ""Occupation?"" ""No, this time just visiting"". " +3935,3,"What's the difference between Murphy's Law and Cole's Law? Murphy's Law is the idea of anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole's Law is just thinly sliced cabbage. " +3936,2,"A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr. Tepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-Room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?” “We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor. Two months later the guy news his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny - I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.” The neighbor smiles and replies, “Yeah, so did we.” Edit: Spelling" +3937,0,Can your jokes be better than the math people: +3938,5,"A masked guy comes into a bank with a gun. He presses it against the teller's forehead and demands money. The lady behind the counter says ""sir, i think you messed up, this isn't just any bank, we don't deal in money. We keep semen. This is a sperm bank."" ""Oh yeah??!"" says the robber... ""Why don't you take a vial and chug it then?"" The bank worker has no choice and promptly grabs a vial of sperm and drinks it bottoms-up. The robber proceeds to take of his mask and turns out to be the bank worker's boyfriend. He says with a broad smile: ""SEE YOU CAN!! YOU JUST NEVER WANT TO!!""" +3939,2,"M&M's Came out with a Honey Flavor. They coated the peanuts in the Peanut M&M's with honey. They called them ""Beez Nuts""" +3940,0,Hogwart's basketball team is the worst in all the wizarding world They could only score 9 in 3 quarters. +3941,0,What is marine plantlifes favourite math subject? Algaebra. +3942,3,"Fun fact: Mr. Spock had three ears: The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear." +3943,1,I taped a slice of bread on the ceiling. And that's how you start a rave party in Ethiopia. +3944,0,"Three real old guys are sitting on a bench talking about what ails them... One says, ""Every time I have to pee, I'm standing there for minutes and nothing but a few drips"". The second guy says,"" Oh yeah, when I sit for a poop, I'll be there 20-30 minutes and nothing but a few farts"". The third guy says, "" I have it worst of all... I have a big poop and pee at 5:30 every morning"". ""What's wrong with that""?, one asks. The third guy says, "" I don't get out of bed 'til 7:00""" +3945,0,What's worse than having your foot falling asleep? Realising it's only eleven inches. +3946,0,"Girl, are you a Pokemon? Cause I'm a Pikachu." +3947,0,"R.I.P Rosie O'Donnell .... O'h, Hugh Hefner, sorry I thought you said HUGE HEFFER!" +3948,0,"A one-legged and a blind man are arguing The one-legged man says: ""I'm gonna kick your ass!"". The blind man replies: ""Sure, I'd like to see that!""" +3949,0,What's Owen Wilson's favourite video game? WoW +3950,2,"Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin looks at the other one and say, ""Oh my god we're gonna die in here!"" The other muffin looks back and says, ""Holy Moly! A talking muffin!""" +3951,0,"Interviewer: ""I heard you were pretty good at math."" Prospective employee: ""Close, fuckface; I'm good at meth. When do I start?""" +3952,2,How do you make 2lbs of ugly fat attractive? Put a nipple on it! +3953,0,"I had a friend who had a fear of flying. I told him that statistically, the modern airplane is more afraid of us than we are of it." +3954,0,I ran to the bathroom yesterday. It had become a pressing issue. +3955,4,"A 3 year old examined his testicles while taking a bath 'Mom' he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet', she replied." +3956,1,I'm having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today That's Hawaii roll. +3957,2,Did you hear about the chameleon who could not change color? It had a reptile dysfunction. +3958,1,What did the veteran IRS agent say to the rookie? Fined everything ok today? +3959,3,"Trump and Obama walk into the same barbershop... Donald Trump and Barack Obama walk into the same barbershop. Neither spoke a word as their barbers did their thing. Not even the barbers would speak, out of fear of starting a political discussion. As they finished, Trump's barber reached for the aftershave. Quickly stopped by Trump, ""No way, buddy! If Melania smells that, she'll think I've been in a damn whorehouse!"" Obama's barber asked if he'd like the aftershave, him replying ""Yeah alright, Michelle doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.""" +3960,0,What do you call a bird that believes anything you tell it? A seagullible. +3961,0,Why do some find the postal service offensive? Because the postal service assumes items being shipped are male. +3962,2,The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water There is none +3963,2,I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk But I never got the chants! +3964,1,£1000 for the new iPhone X? Hope airplane mode takes me on fucking holiday. +3965,4,There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market Its called mycoxaflopin +3966,0,What did the pen say to the paper? I dot my i on you. +3967,2,What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop ? Dr.Dre +3968,2,"What's the difference between a Taliban Outpost and a Pakistani School? I don't know, why don't you ask the 50 drone pilots on this sub?" +3969,0,"Why did the blind man's alphabet soup only have 25 letters in it? Because he can't ""C""" +3970,0,"A man bought some tickets to a Mayweather fight, but then realised the date of the match was the same of that of when he was to get married. He had spent $150 for his ticket in the second row, and was absolutely devastated. However, he soon came to realise that no matter how much he dwelt, he'd have to give the opportunity away. So he gave the address of the place to his best mate, Mark. Mark travelled in his Rover for 30 miles until he reached the destination, a surprisingly small town in the middle of the north coast. And that's when he realised his best mate had tried to get him to marry his fiancee. " +3971,3,What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me! +3972,1,"Turkish Joke Found this online. A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: ""We don't have this book, but we have its author.""" +3973,2,Punny Ant Jokes What is the dumbest ant? Ignorant. What is the bossier ant? Tyrant. How many insects does it take to make a landlord? Ten ants. What ant is the biggest? Elephant. What ant is a military officer? Sergeant. +3974,2,The functions stopped calling each other... Because they had constant arguments. +3975,0,What was the hippie charged for in court? Child Vape +3976,7,"A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut. One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. ""Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?"" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole. ""SNAP!"", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! ""Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire"", said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk. They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. ""Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"" But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless." +3977,0,"Corny Joke (based on true story) - A family's toilet is clogged... There are four kids - two boys, two girls, mom and dad. Dad goes to the daughter's room and says, ""Shelly, Mary, the toilet is stopped up. Did one of you two flush a tampon down the toilet?"" Mary says, ""Wasn't me."" Shelly says, ""Wasn't me either, dad."" Man asks his wife, ""Honey, did you flush a tampon down the toilet?"" Wife says, ""Nope. I didn't do it."" Furious, the father looks at his two sons and says, ""FUCK, WOULD YOU TWO BOYS STOP FLUSHING TAMPONS DOWN THE TOILET?!""" +3978,1,Decor I asked my girlfriend if she likes dark wood. She said that that's why she only dates black dudes. +3979,0,My girlfriend's father owns a scaffolding business I asked him for her hand in marriage but he sets the bar too high. +3980,1,What's the worst thing you can ask for in a British gay bar? Pence Edit: Yeah the delivery was poor. I was referencing Mike Pence. +3981,5,"A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, ""Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks"". The dad says, ""Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?""" +3982,0,Don't you hate when people answer their own questions? I do. +3983,3,"April and Sunday School I’m not sure if this is original, but my buddy texted me it. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and Saviour,"" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""very good,"" and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. ""What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, ""IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"" The Teacher fainted." +3984,1,"A Muslim walks into a bar and orders a bacon sandwich and a beer. ""Isn't that forbidden in your religion?"" the bartender asks. ""Yes, but my sins will be forgiven in... 9 minutes.. and 30 seconds.""" +3985,2,Low quality paper Is tearable. +3986,0,Why don’t you buy a woman a watch? Because there’s a clock on the back of the oven. +3987,1,I have a friend who drives trucks The only things he ever carries are bands from the 80s. Right now he is haulin’ oates. +3988,1,Do you want to know how often i say element jokes? Periodically. +3989,1,What did the platypus say to the prostitute? 'Put it on my bill' +3990,0,"A Jewish son asks his dad for 8000 dollars to buy a bitcoin. The dad replies, ""7000 dollars?! What do you need 6000 dollars for?!"" " +3991,1,Arnold Palmer has died... I heard that he will be half buried and half cremated. +3992,3,"INTERVIEWER: ""According to your resume you can't read."" ME: ""Thanks, what else does it say?""" +3993,0,Trainee terrorists always have burnt lips... ... from the exhaust pipes of cars that they are told to blow up. +3994,1,Where do dogs do their banking? Barklays Edited because of autocorrect. +3995,1,A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position Because he heard they needed back end development. +3996,9,"A black man and a white man walk into a bakery The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the white, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."" The white man says to the black man, ""That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."" Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""So what did you do with the pastries?"" The white man replies, ""Look in the black mans back pocket....."" EDIT: I forgot that you don't get karma for jokes, :(" +3997,3,"A Priest and a Deacon A Priest realized that less and less people were showing up to church every day. He goes to the Deacon and asks ""How can I get more people to come to church?"" ""Well"", says the Deacon, ""people like food. Maybe if you offer free food at mass, more people will show up."" So the Priest sets up a giant buffet, filled with pizza, fries, a soda fountain, and even a chocolate waterfall. The next Sunday, the Priest is disappointed to find that only 20 more people showed up to church. The Priest again goes to the Deacon. ""I still need to get more people to come to church"", says the Priest. ""What else do people like?"" The Deacon says, ""People like beautiful women. Maybe if you hire some models to greet people at the door, we will have a larger crowd"". Despite knowing that lust is a sin, the Priest still decides to go out and hire models to stand by the door to greet the churchgoers. The next Sunday, the Priest is still disappointed to find only 30 more people showed up to mass. Frustrated, he returns to the Deacon. ""You and I need to find a way to get at least 100 more people to come to Sunday mass,"" says the Priest. ""What will get the greatest amount of people to show up?"" ""Well,"" says the Deacon, ""People love money. Maybe if we offer free money, we will get the largest crowd of any church"" So the Priest and the Deacon place bathtubs full of money all around the church, and go out to the local city to advertise their church, even bringing a bathtub full of $100 bills with them. They painted ""Come to our mass"" on the side, so that everyone would be able to see. Soon, the bathtub full of money gained the attention of everyone nearby, and people were flocking to get free money. However, it also gained the attention of a local police officer. And that was the day a Priest and a Deacon were arrested for mass tub baiting in public." +3998,0,There are two types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate data from an incomplete set +3999,3,Why were the Medieval centuries known as the Dark Ages? It was the knight time +4000,0,"Conceiving a baby A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, ""We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."" ""Well,"" the doctor replies, ""since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."" " +4001,4,"A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says ""I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."" The professor says ""I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?"" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says ""I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze"" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says ""I'll be an artist"" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says ""I got a masters degree in art.""" +4002,4,"Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree... After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, ""Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!""" +4003,1,I had a dream about having my butthole eaten... it was a REM job. +4004,5,"A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""You can't bring that dog in here!"" The man, without missing a beat, says, ""This is my seeing eye dog."" ""Oh man, I'm sorry,"" the bartender says, ""I didn't realize you were blind. Here, the first drink's on me."" The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man sees him, stops him and says, ""They don't allow dogs in here, so you won't get a drink unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."" The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here!"" The second man replies, ""This is my seeing-eye dog."" The bartender peers over the edge and says, ""No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."" The man pauses for a split-second and replies, ""What?! They gave me a Chihuahua?""" +4005,4,"A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.” Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.” The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?” The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”" +4006,0,"A group of plants are gossiping The rose says ""Did you know that the Apple tree next bush is throwing a party?"" ""Yeah I heard only close friends are invited"" says the cucumber. The chilli asks ""I heard that your got an invite mushroom. How did you get it?"" ""I'm a fun guy I guess ”" +4007,0,This is the last time I drink in Nice. The drinks hit like a truck. +4008,0,"My ex got me arrested cause i used to sit outside her house all day. She thought i was stalking her but i wasn't, i just had her WiFi code." +4009,5,"To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy" +4010,3,"A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start cursing A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. ""You know what?"" says the five-year-old, ""I think it's about time we start swearing."" The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, ""When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say ""hell"", and you say ""ass"", okay?"" The four-year-old agrees with great enthusiasm! ​ The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five-year-old what he wants for breakfast, ""Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."" .....WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling. The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, ""And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"" ""I'm not sure,"" he says, ""but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios.""" +4011,4,"My secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during lunch when she said,""Remember, you have a wife.""" +4012,3,"Having Alzheimer also carries some advantages... First of all, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror. Secondly, you can always enjoy an old joke as if you heard it for the first time. And finally, you get to know someone new every time you look in the mirror. " +4013,0,What do you call renters who eat a lot of noodles and ask little of their landlord? Low mein tenants. +4014,1,"A C, E-Flat, and G walk into a bar.... They sit down but the bartender shows them to the door and says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors,”" +4015,2,"Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse... Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”" +4016,2,"Students of Chemistry Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says ""We don't serve noble gasses in here."" Helium doesn't react." +4017,0,What do you call a homosexual grenade? a Fraggot. +4018,7,What happens if someone steals uranium? It becomes theiranium +4019,1,"Light a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." +4020,2,I was throwing some old stuff away So I called my local waste removal company and asked: Can I have a skip outside my house tomorrow? And the cheeky bastard said: you can cartwheel round the block any time for all I care. +4021,0,What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators? Wrestle Crow. +4022,0,"Netflix has lost Futurama, Its Always Sunny, Psych, soon to be Disney and lots more Pretty soon they'll have to change their name to Netloss." +4023,0,What do you call a wildcat that filed for bankruptcy? Zac Enron +4024,1,What happens if a European chameleon turns blue? It's arrested for violating EU regulations +4025,0,What's the similarity between the Olympics and Clash of Clans? Both are pay to win. +4026,2,"What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T? . A Teapot." +4027,1,"A boy asks his grandma where his parents are. In the morning a boy comes downstairs for breakfast and asks his grandma where his parents are. His grandma says, ""They are still in their bedroom."" The boy laughs, eats his breakfast and leaves. At lunch, the boy again asks his grandma where his parents are. His grandma again says, ""They are still in their bedroom."" The boy laughs again, eats his lunch and leaves. At dinner, the boy again asks his grandma where his parents are. His grandmas again says, ""They are still in their bedroom."" The boy laughs, and his grandma asks ""Why do you laugh every time I tell you they are in their bedroom?"" The boy says, ""Daddy came into my room last night looking for lube, and I gave him glue.""" +4028,1,"Preggers Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, ""My husband wants me to ask you... if its still okay..."" ""I know, I know."" the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, ""I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."" ""No, no... that's not it at all,"" Samantha confessed. ""He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.""" +4029,5,Bernie Sanders is a true socialist He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own. +4030,0,I like my soul like I like my coffee Black and bitter +4031,0,What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can't unscrew a pregnant woman. +4032,1,what did will.i.am say when he got turned into a bee imma bee imma bee +4033,0,If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish... Shes's probably too old for you. +4034,2,What do cancer jokes and kids with cancer have in common They never get old +4035,1,Person A: knock knock! Person B; who’s there? Person A: Orange!! Person B: Orange who? Person A: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana! +4036,2,Why do influencers always carry a pencil? To draw attention +4037,0,Rob Ford's family have been told they won't inherit any money from his bank accounts But his credit cards will re-sell for several thousand Canadian dollars. +4038,0,"3 friends go to a whorehouse Three friends decide to go to a whore house. When they get to the madam the first one asks what $50 will get and she takes his money and says upstairs to your left there's a girl waiting. He goes upstairs and comes down 20 minutes later and tells his friends that she was alright just a little dry. The second one pays his money and goes upstairs. He comes down 20 minutes later and agrees that she was okay but she was dry. The third one pays his money and goes upstairs and while he's fucking the woman he says ""Did you know that you're kind of dry?"" The whore says ""Oh I am? I'll be right back."" She runs off to the bathroom for a few minutes and when she comes back she gets back on top and the guy says ""Wow that's much better what did you do?"" She replies with ""Oh I just picked my scabs""" +4039,0,What do you call it when a sea mammal is very driven? It has a porpoise. +4040,5,What do a gay Mexican and a highschool nerd have in common? They both do their essays. +4041,2,I once dated a girl with a wandering eye... ...but she was seeing somebody on the side. +4042,0,(Spoilers) Ian McShane in GoT I guess that makes him Deadwood. +4043,1,Why was 'Sausage Wars' cancelled? It was the wurst TV show ever. +4044,3,Snail with a ‘tude A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ +4045,1,I opened my cereal box today for breakfast “We’ve updated our privacy policy” +4046,0,"What did the gay drug dealer always tell his first time customers? ""make sure you come up the rear""" +4047,0,ANAL.... My mom loves it... So I have to keep my backdoor clean and neat. +4048,0,What do you call the Ku Klux Klan on welfare? Black Lives Matter +4049,0,"Antivirus Anime Addiction It seems i have watched too much Anime. I was on my antivirus and wanted to do a scan. I looked over at what seemed to me to say ""Computer San"" then later realized it was computer scan ​ ​ ​ tbh this should be on comedy cemetary" +4050,1,"A Wall Street playboy has seen it all Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”. Why not, he thinks to himself before calling the number on the ad. A woman with a sultry voice answers the phone and he requests her services. Later that night, the woman arrives and joins the man in his study. She takes off her long jacket and the man begins to get excited as she reveals she’s wearing skimpy lingerie. “There are 2 rules,” she says, “the lights have to be off and you cannot touch me.” The man hesitates, but decides to go on with it anyway and nods. He sits in his chair, and turns off the light on his desk in the study. The woman begins pulling his pants down and starts blowing him. Suddenly, without stopping the blowjob, the woman starts singing a beautiful rendition of the star spangled banner. The man tries to figure out how she’s doing it without touching her or turning the lights on, but unable to contain himself, he flips on the light. Sitting on his desk, next to the lamp, is a glass eye." +4051,0,"I'm sure everyone is tired of Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly, I don't give a damn. " +4052,1,"Some people don’t appreciate dark jokes, but I’m ok with that. Like I always say, dark humor is like food— Not everybody gets it." +4053,4,"Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ""Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"" The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: ""Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!""" +4054,1,"A piece of string walks into a bar... A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, ""I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."" The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, ""Hey, aren't you a string?"" The string says, ""Nope, I'm a frayed knot.""" +4055,0,Some people don't like math. All I said was 2+1-2=1. Now I'm being charged with a double homicide. +4056,1,What did the communist use to light their home before candles? light bulbs +4057,2,"Ray Charles... ... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed. The doctor comes in and says, ""Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" ""Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident,"" says the doc. ""Well what's the good news, then?"" asks RC. ""You've got the right one, baby!"" -- ... I'm old. " +4058,0,What's the difference between a freshman and a senior electrical engineering student? A Fourier transform. +4059,1,"China has introduced more stringent censorship policies on the internet Chinese citizens will now no longer be able to indicate merriment using lol on WeChat, they must now compulsorily use lmao, or roflmao as a tribute to communist heritage." +4060,1,"If you know about us Canadians, we like to say sorry... ""And if you knew that already... I'm sorry""" +4061,4,I'm obsessed with my F1 key. I think I need help. +4062,2,What is a dog's favorite email folder? Scent messages! +4063,1,I'm paying a man to fondle my balls today But at least my insurance will cover it +4064,2,"A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, ""Honey, you were right. All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."" ""What do you mean?"" asked his wife. ""Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in.""" +4065,3,Took my girlfriend to an apple orchard we had sex against a tree and I came in cider +4066,0,What's funnier than a dead baby ? A dead baby with a clown costume. +4067,2,"It's true, women and children should always be rescued first. Men deserve to rest in peace." +4068,0,How is a reposted joke like a novice chef's pot roast? It's way overdone. +4069,1,What does a Nice guy™ say when he gets beamed up by aliens? *tips hat* M'othership. +4070,1,"Have you tried saying no to alcohol? my therapist asked me. ""Yes I did but they don't wanna hear any of it""" +4071,0,"That laptop just said ""Hello"" to me... I think its A Dell. NB - Shamelessly stolen from a newspaper" +4072,3,I'll have you know my grandfather was killed by a Nazi. He committed suicide +4073,0,Schools are giving kids a bad influence nowadays..... When they go into the real world they'll be expecting free handouts. +4074,2,i got fired from the keyboard factory today. apparently i wasn't putting in enough shifts. +4075,1,Why did the millennial go to the bank everyday? She needed a safe space +4076,1,"Part of the dog Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. ""Which part did you get?"" " +4077,3,What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter +4078,1,Parallel lines have so much in common It’s a shame they never meet. +4079,1,Why are educated people so hot? Cause they got more degrees. +4080,0,"I was standing in line at the local Italian Bakery... ... when I overheard a young man unveil his scheme to steal a loaf of bread. I turned to him and said ""If focaccia doing that I'd have to call the police"". I was going to buy a some bread of my own but my wife called and said ciabatta loaf already." +4081,1,The elevator guy in the heaven's main building is very popular... ... because he helps uplift everybody's spirits. +4082,0,What's 14 inches and white? Nothing. +4083,2,Why don't mules do a good job? They're always half-assing it. +4084,1,"I’ve had a fight with my siblings. My friends said “Wow, that must be some huge problems for you”, to which I replied, “It’s relative.”" +4085,0,What happens to an alien when it falls in a puddle? It gets wet. +4086,1,What is Australias favourite philosopher? Kant +4087,6,"I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video… He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy." +4088,6,A woman runs into a man at the grocery store Woman: Hi there! Man: Do you know me? Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids. Man: Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? Woman: No.... I'm your son's teacher. +4089,3,"Superman is flying around metropolis one day, doing his normal surveillance. He looks down and notices Wonder Woman, laying on the roof of her place, legs spread apart, completely naked. The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, do his thing, and get out before she suspected a thing. Without a second thought he pulls his spandex leggings down and gets his aim ready. He flies down, does his thing, and flies off, as planned. Wonder Woman sits up and asks, ""What was that gust of wind?"" The Invisible Man pulls out and says, ""I have no idea, but my asshole hurts.""" +4090,1,There may be plenty of fish in the sea... but most of them these days are catfish. +4091,1,"Burglar meets Jesus A burglar breaks into a house. As he is stealing the silverware, he hears a voice in the darkness: ""Jesus is watching."" Thinking it's just his imagination, he continues raiding the place, then hears it again: ""Jesus is watching."" He turns on the lights and sees a parrot at a cage behind him, who says ""Jesus is watching"" yet again. Confused, the burglar says: ""Shit, that bird scared the hell out of me. Who names a parrot 'Jesus', anyway?"" The parrot answers: ""My name isn't Jesus. My name is Moses."" ""Even worse. What kind of an asshole names his parrot 'Moses'?"" ""The same asshole that named his rottweiler Jesus.""" +4092,3,"What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today? Shouting ""Get me out of this coffin!""" +4093,1,A halibut recently started his job a local fish market... On his first day he immediately knew he was a fish out of water. +4094,5,"How do you comfort a grammar Nazi? ""...They're, their, there.""" +4095,0,"I told this girl at the bar last night im black from the waist down... She responded, ""Oh. So you can run fast?""" +4096,1,"My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well... I was amazed, I never knew they worked." +4097,2,"Walks into a bar.... Pissing contest Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: ""I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."" The bartender laughs and says, ""You're crazy, but you're on."" The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too. ""What are you smiling at?"" asks the bartender. ""You just lost $1,000!"" ""Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!""" +4098,0,What kind of fruit can't get married? cantaloupe +4099,4,What do you call an octopus that fights sharks? An octobrave. I'm sorry. +4100,1,We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders... On eyebrows. +4101,1,What do you call Al Gore when he’s playing the bass? An algorithm +4102,2,What's the ultimate Jewish Dilemma? Free ham +4103,0,"Earlier today I saw 4 guys beating this kid up in an alley way, so I decided to help. He had no chance against the 5 of us." +4104,3,"A young boy asks his dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” The dad replies, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.” " +4105,4,"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts generally go for three dollars or so, but deer nuts are under a buck." +4106,8,"King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: 384 my liege king: Ok, round them up Squire: 400 my liege" +4107,3,And God said to John come fourth and receive eternal life But he came fifth and won a toaster +4108,1,When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice +4109,1,"Little Johnny is in his sister's room, being curious as teenagers sometimes are As they start to undress, Little Johnny's Dad bursts into the room and starts screaming. ""Little Johnny! Don't do that to your sister! If you're feeling randy, go use the hole in the tree!"" Little Johnny reluctantly agrees as he redresses, leaving his sister to get a lecture on the subject. A few weeks later, Little Johnny's Dad again walks in on he and his sister in a state of undress, with Little Johnny poking his sister's front bum with a branch. ""Little Johnny! What in the name of Jebus are you doing to your sister!?!"" Little Johnny quips back, ""Checking for fucking squirrels!""" +4110,5,"A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light. For support, rather than illumination." +4111,0,Where does Santa Claus keep all his shit? In his Clause-tomy bag +4112,2,"Ooo Heaven is a place on earth Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’" +4113,1,What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaiiinnnnsss +4114,3,What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common? I'm not wanted on either. :/ +4115,2,Stormy Daniels should run for president If we're going to have an inept asshole in office I'd rather have a bleached inept asshole +4116,0,What did the cat say to her former self when she traveled back in time? Why are you so small? You must be kitten me! +4117,1,What do you call it when a lot of breads have a party Abundance +4118,2,"I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”" +4119,1,What punctuation are you most likely to get the grammar wrong for? asteRISk +4120,4,What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators? Gatoraids +4121,1,A thief stops a guy coming out of church at gunpoint. Thief: Your money or your life! Guy: I'm sorry young man but I don't have neither of those. Thief: What the fuck are you talking about?! Guy: I don't have any money and I just gave my life to Jesus. +4122,1,"A priest and a rabbi walk past a school yard full of kids... The priest says to the rabbi ""hey, you wanna go fuck some of those kids?"" The rabbi replies ""out of what?""" +4123,0,"A Few Puns Q.Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain? A.To get to the bottom! I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows. What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved. I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision. " +4124,1,He offered his honor. She honored his offer All night long he was honor and offer +4125,1,How do you expand recycling to other places? Create a discord server. +4126,1,Imagine if oars could swim? Wouldn't that be oar-swam? I'm so sorry... +4127,0,"At my last checkup the doctor said he needed a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample ... ... I said "" Doc, I can speed this along - I'll just leave you my underwear !""" +4128,6,You're the bomb A compliment in USA. An argument in the Middle East. +4129,0,Did you hear about the Irish jewel scam? They got caught selling sham rocks +4130,1,A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam Aloha Snack-bar +4131,1,"According to the laws of physics, the heavier you are... the more attractive you are. " +4132,0,Happy to answer questions about my seasonal job herding Chilean animals for a former president's mother Imma Obama mama summer llama farmer AMA +4133,0,"Whenever I travel to Mexico, I always pack more cheese than I think I'll need. Just in queso. " +4134,2,Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? Apparently it was a small medium at large. +4135,2,"As an atheist, I often wonder : ""what would Jesus do ?"" and then I do nothing" +4136,0,Harambe is a dead meme. Literally. +4137,0,What Does the Pirate From Boston Say? Ahhhh! +4138,2,"Tried To Compromise I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We just didn't have anything in common. But when that happens, you have to try to compromise. I tried to compromise with her. I remember one time I was like, 'Look, if you go with me to my ""Lord of the Rings"" fan fiction meet up group, I'll go with you to this ultrasound thing.'" +4139,1,"God took a paternity test He found out he was the father, the son and the holy spirit." +4140,2,"Internet went down. So my internet went down for the whole weekend,so I talked to my family. They seem to be nice." +4141,0,Dark Humour is like a cure.... Not everyone gets it. Offended by that? Dark humour is like a Make-A-Wish Child. It never gets old. +4142,0,"[Long] A Japanese man, a British man, a Texan, and a Mexican are aboard a small private plane... ... when the pilot announces that the plane has just lost one of the engines, and they're carrying too much weight to stay in the air, and that they need to lose about 500 pounds (227 kg), so three of the men will need to jump to save everyone else on board. The Japanese man walks to the door and opens it, exclaiming, ""For my famry's honor!"" and jumps out. Next, the Brit walks to the door and says, ""Long live the Queen!"" and jumps. The two remaining men look at each other, and the Texan knows what he must do, so he walks to the door and says, ""Remember the Alamo!"" and throws the Mexican out." +4143,0,What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where’s my tractor?! +4144,1,"How do you call a dog with no legs? You don't, you just go and pick it up." +4145,6,What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing +4146,1,"If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at? IHOP! -Jake Harper" +4147,3,Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court? Circumference. +4148,2,What did Darth Vader do when his iTunes stopped responding? He force quit. +4149,5,"Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death. The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Hillary says to her chauffeur, ""You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"" The chauffeur does as he's told. A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand. As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Hillary exclaims, ""Jesus, what did you tell them?"" ""Exactly what you told me boss: Hi I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig.""" +4150,0,Whats the difference between a public execution and a wedding one has cake +4151,0,Why does C-3PO always tell Han the Odds? Because he can't even. +4152,0,"Two guys in the jungle So two guys are in the jungle and one gets bitten by a snake in his penis. His friend then makes a phone call to the village doctor who tells him that the only way to save his friends live is to suck the posion from the wond. What said the doctor?- The dying friend asked. Yeah, you're gonna die- His friend said. " +4153,2,Whats a Joke with no Punchline? Life +4154,3,"A Russian goes to Thailand A Russian goes to Thailand and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette. ""We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."" ""What's the danger in that?"" ""One of them is a man.""" +4155,0,"My office So I walk into work and start doing some paper work when my boss ask to see me in his office when you are done.About 15 minutes has passed sitting in his office and I have yet to see him,around an hour later he comes and says WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE BATHROOM." +4156,1,"A Joke My Dad Told Me In The Car “God, it’s just so hard for me because you’re getting older and spending more time with your friends. I feel like eventually you’ll cut me out.” “Dude, I will never fucking cut you out.” “why did you take me out of the collage then?!”" +4157,1,"I felt horrible when I reacted to a deaf man ""are you deaf?!"" Gladly he didn't hear that." +4158,1,"What is South Park's creator, Matt Stone, favorite drink? An ice cold KilKenny " +4159,1,Hear about the Royal Navy captain who had a fetish for the map room? I’m referring to the great Sir Cum Navigator +4160,8,"When you say ""poop"" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop. The same is true for the phrase ""explosive diarrhea.""" +4161,2,"Radio call-in show, Cork, Ireland True story... The host asked for people to call in with a four-letter word that isn't in the English language, but should be, and to use it in a sentence. A caller says, ""G-O-A-N, pronounced go-an. I can use it in a sentence. Goan fuck yourself!"" The host stumbles for words as the call goes dead. A few minutes later, a caller says, ""S-M-E-E, pronounced smee. I can use it in a sentence. Smee again, goan fuck yourself!""" +4162,0,What's the worst possible time to schedule a dentist appointment? Tooth hurty. +4163,2,Kylie Jenner is a self-made billionaire! Just like her dad is a self-made woman. +4164,3,"JAMAICAN FIREMAN BELLS A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife, ""Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on womon, When I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."" The next night, he came home and shouted, ""Bell One"" and the wife stripped naked! ""Bell Two"" and she jumped on the bed! ""Bell Three"" and they started to make love! After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, ""Bell Four !!!!"" ""WOMON ... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?"" he asked. She replied, ""Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"" (This is an old one and I have no idea if it has been posted before... I hope you enjoyed it)" +4165,5,"I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, “What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?” I said, ‘Well I can be brutally honest at times.’ And the boss said, “No way! I think that’s a wonderful asset actually.” And I said, ‘I really don’t give a fuck what you think.’" +4166,0,What do you call a well endowed male prostitute A $5 footlong +4167,0,"I once met an old widower who died for five minutes I once met a guy who died for five minutes. When I asked him what heaven was like he said, ""The one thing in Heaven that you'd never expect is that people actually drive cars there and St. Peter determines which car you receive based on how faithful you've been with your marriage."" Naturally I was pretty surprised and I asked him more about this. He told me that St. Peter determined that he got to pick from seven different super cars and he ended up deciding the Ferrari. But when he told me this, he said it with a pretty distraught face. ""Why the long face?"" I said. And he replied ""My wife was riding a bicycle.""" +4168,0,Why isn't there any brown toilet paper for sale? Crappy design. +4169,2,The worst kind of people are pilots. They are always looking down on everyone else. +4170,3,I learned that my sister was into Beastieality Well I’ll be a monkeys uncle. +4171,0,What do you call a man who smokes and plays soccer? Wiz Khafifa +4172,0,Do you know what my favourite imaginary animal is? The negative number when it goes under a root. +4173,0,Why do Jews only have 1 child? Because they're still waiting for the second coming +4174,1,"To the guy that stole my diary, and then died, My thoughts are with your family." +4175,1,What do you call a rhino that feels aroused? Horny +4176,0,What's the difference between a 69 and a vacation home in the Alps? The view. +4177,0,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints +4178,1,"Since all Digital Assistants use a female voice, there should be an option for an older experience male voice. I was thinking that since all Digital Assistants use a female voice, there should be an option for an older experience male voice to explain things in a simplified patronizing way. Much like having Peter Mansbridge patiently explaining ""manspreading"" to women. Only instead of ""Hey Siri!"" You would say ""Excuse me, Sir?"" And after he gives a long winded explanation, several times, you can stop him by saying: ""OK, Boomer""" +4179,0,Why did the Auschwitz shower heads have 12 holes? Because Jews had 10 fingers! +4180,0,What kind of cheese does the Pope eat? Swiss Cheese ​ Because it's very holey +4181,1,"There was a blackout in the streets of Houston yesterday... Don't worry, the police have everything under control..... they shot him." +4182,3,"It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. ""What is that?"" he asked. She said, ""I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"" Perplexed, he asked, ""Why did you do that?"" ""Well,"" she replied, ""now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"" " +4183,0,An Irish guy walks OUT of a bar..... It could happen +4184,0,How do you separate human genes from ape genes? You mix it until it's *Homo \\(Genus\\)* +4185,3,Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)? Because no one expects the Spanish in position! +4186,0,What's the first thing a monster eats when it's had its teeth checked? The dentist +4187,5,"While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!" +4188,3,I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis... I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. +4189,6,Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood? In the Ark Hives. +4190,3,"The Irish Catholics again. The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ""Has anybody got a cock?"" All the men stood up. ""No, no,"" he said, ""that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"" All the women stood up. ""No, no,"" he said, ""that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"" Half the women stood up. ""No, no,"" he said, ""that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. " +4191,1,What's a pig's favorite karate move? A pork chop +4192,0,Each sperm contains 37.5 MB of information. A broken condom is therefore a data breach. Better get and NDA from the other party. +4193,0,Why do women make the best judges? They're the fairer sex. +4194,5,"What's the difference between an American and a Briton? Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time." +4195,2,"A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, ""Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"" The patient calls back, ""One moment!"" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, ""It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."" The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, ""That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"" The patient holds up his wrist and says, ""I suppose I'd just look at my watch.""" +4196,0,HAPPY NEW YEAR letter to mods AAEEHNPPRWYY +4197,2,"A man goes to Spain He arrives, and of course, the first thing he has to go see is the daily bull fight. The match is drawn out, a banderillero is gored, but eventually the bull is subdued and the matador emerges victorious. The man is famished at this point, and so, entranced by the fight, he finds his way to the Torero, a bullfight themed restaurant near the arena. “I’ll have what they’re having” the man says to the cashier, beckoning towards a couple sharing a plate with two giant meatballs. The cashier laughs and says, “come back tomorrow, we just ran out.” The man watches the bull fights the next day, again witnessing a victory over the bull. This time, he rushes out of the stadium to get to the Torero and he asks the cashier, again, for the giant meatballs. “Sorry, last order just got served,” the cashier says, “but if you get here early tomorrow i’ll save it for you.” At this point, the man is determined to try this dish. Having seen 2 bullfights already, he decides to skip them and go straight to the Torero the next day. He waits forever after ordering, and finally, his food comes out. His plate has two tiny meatballs on it. “Hey, I ordered the giant meatballs.” complains the man. The cashier looks at him and says, “Well you see, the bull doesn’t always lose.”" +4198,0,"Two farmers are having a discussion whilst a hen is laying an egg... One farmer tells the other, ""has the egg been laid yet?"" And the farmer replies with, ""oh, no, but the hen definitely has been!""" +4199,10,"Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring." +4200,1,What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of Tic Tac? ..... Tempermint +4201,2,"Give a man a 6 pack of beer, he'll drink for a night Teach a man to 6 pack of beer, heffll drolmk frj s kide" +4202,2,I lost 90 pounds in 10 days! And now I’m broke. +4203,4,A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it. Seems pretty far fetched to me. +4204,1,"A man rubbed a genie lamp. The genie gave his usual spiel about three wishes. No more, no less. The man wished for the biggest cock, the strongest toned finest ass, and softest pussy. With a snap of the genie's finger all three wishes were granted. The genie told him to wait for tomorrow for all wishes to take effect. The next morning. Upon going outside to the water closet he had to do a double take for his mind couldn't comprehend. Sure enough, he had the biggest cock with girth to match it's size. He also checked his ass and what beauty is was. Strong and toned. The finest he has ever seen. All his friends were in shock from hearing the news. Word spread to all respected professionals in their field they had to see in person. The professionals foamed in their mouths because nothing has been recorded of a great gift bestowed to humanity. Just before the night came the softest pussy arrived at his door. It was a night for the man to remember. Three wishes the genie gave as desired. It was a hard decision after a few days thinking but it was well worth the man's time for it was gift more than asked. He auctioned his cock and ass to the highest bidder of the land. The auction winners were in delight to report the ass they bought was the best so much it out classed a team of Clydesdale. The cock produced the best chicks to the farmers delight. The pussy was soft and beautiful. Giving him comfort every night. A two toned neko of a charcoal gray color. Playful too especially with scritches. Ojiisan says you a sick person to be thinking what this joke was about. Especially with that pussy. " +4205,1,"A man walks through a forest. He notices a squirrel sitting in a tree, staring intensely at him. Up ahead, he encounters even more squirrels. All seem to be fixated on his appearance. Baffled, the man asks the squirrels what's up. ""Hey, why are all of you staring at me like that?"" ""Well,"" one of the squirrels answers, ""I've never seen nuts that size before.""" +4206,3,Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor +4207,2,I hate German sausages They're the wurst. +4208,1,What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute? The prostitute doesn’t hang around for 3 hours after getting nailed. +4209,1,I just finished all 18 things on my bucket list Edit: beer bucket. +4210,1,"A buddy was recently in an accident at the lumber mill, he lost his left entire left arm and leg at about mid thigh... He just got out of the hospital and is all right now." +4211,2,Do you know why your feet smell so bad? Because they grow from your ass. +4212,3,"I bought a thesaurus the other day, and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank! Not only was I furious, I was also furious." +4213,2,"What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. " +4214,1,Why do hipsters only drown in tributaries…? Because they're too cool for the mainstream. +4215,0,scorpin and subzero walk into a bar the bar gets hot from scorpin and cold from subzero!! +4216,2,I don't want to burst out laughing while surfing Reddit at work... ...so I restrict my browsing to r/funny. +4217,1,Whats the worst thing about a Thai Masseuse Bride? They walk all over you. +4218,0,"I can't believe I failed my driving test today! For one too many minors, of all things! Not my fault they all wanted lifts home..." +4219,0,What is the difference between a literalist and someone with no sense of humor? Literally nothing. +4220,0,I've got a dead Budgie for sale. It's not going cheep. +4221,0,What do you call a deer that can use both hooves? Bambidextrous. +4222,6,I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now. +4223,3,How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse? shes the one with dirty knees +4224,1,Where do the best bakers in the city live? The yeast end. +4225,2,"Theory vs Reality Little Johnny comes home from school to find his dad working in the yard. Dad says, ‘Hi Johnny. What did you learn in school today?’ Johnny replies, ‘Hi Dad. We talked a lot about the theory and reality, but I’m not sure what the difference is.’ ‘Well, Johnny, I can help you with that, but first I need you to go ask your mother if she’d sleep with old man Johnson for a million dollars.’ replied Dad. Young Johnny walks into the house, and returns a few minutes later and says, ‘Yeah Mom said that she would.’ Dad smiles. ‘Ok, now go ask your sister the same question.’ Johnny walks back into the house, and after a minute he comes back out, and says, ‘Yeah, she said that she’d sleep with old man Johnson too, but what’s that got to do with theory and reality?’ ‘You see, Johnny, in theory, we’re multi-millionaires, but in reality, we just live with a couple of whores!’ " +4226,3,"What gets long when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides in a hole & loves to be pulled? A seat belt you pervert" +4227,1,"Honey, something's always bug me about the children. -I can't help but notice out out of our eight children, Ben looks different from all the others. I know what to terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father? -Yes, it's true. He does. -Please tell me. Who's Ben's father. -You." +4228,1,What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn’t pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on me. +4229,2,What kind of bees make milk? Boobies +4230,2,Why can’t 2 chinese people have a white baby? cause 2 wongs don’t make a white +4231,0,I like my women how I like my milk Spoiled and chunky. +4232,1,What do you call a prostitute who's lying down? Whorezontal. +4233,2,"The Monk and the Hot Dog stand A monk walks up to a hotdog vendor. The vendor asks what he would like. The monk replies ""make me one with everything""" +4234,1,"I know I'm a little chubby So I don't really mind getting called fat - give it to me straight, don't sugarcoat it. Actually, sugar is the last thing I need right now." +4235,2,What do you call it when you can only say vowels? A vowel movement or in-consonants. +4236,3,If mixing up my Vs and Bs makes me sound Russian... ...then soviet +4237,2,"What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck." +4238,1,"Three friends decided to visit the African Savanna and make a little tour all by themselves. Let's call them Jack, Mark and Clark. And to make it more thrilling and exciting, they decided to make it a tour by foot. So they chose the route and dates and they met at the airport when the day had come. ​ As they arrived at the place where they would be spending the first night before starting the great walk, each one of them went secretly shopping before going to sleep. ​ The next morning, they all met at the meeting and starting point. They all noticed though, that everyone of them was carry something unusual. So Jack and Mark asked Clark: ​ ""Why are you carrying a phone booth with you?"" ​ To what he replied with: ""I knew you would notice. Yeah, this is for in case let's say a lion comes at us, I will just lock myself inside it and be safe!"". Jack and Mark thought that was clever. Then Clark asked Mark: ""And why do you have this large telephone pole under your arm?"" ​ ""Ah, my friends"", he answered, ""I also thought about taking something in case a wild animal tries to attack us. So with this pole, I just sink it deep in the sand and I then climb to the top of it so the animal cannot reach me!"" ​ Jack and Clark nodded in agreement. But then, Mark and Clark noticed the item Jack was bringing with himself and asked him: ​ ""Hey Jack, didn't you thought about this possible issue?"" ​ ""I sure did."", answered Jack. ​ ""Then why are you taking with you this huge and heavy anvil? How can it possible make it so you're safe from a predator?"", asked Mark. ​ ""Well,"" replied Jack, ""it's very easy. If we see a lion running towards us looking like he wants to eat us, Clark will close himself in the booth, Mark will nail and climb the pole, and I will drop the anvil and run so much faster!""" +4239,1,Did you know most of the Kennedy family is scared of photographers? Guess they don't know the difference between head shots and headshots. +4240,1,Why did the post get removed from /r/videos? The subreddit was overbooked +4241,0,"What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked him to pass the ice cream? Sure, Bert!" +4242,2,How many antisocial guys does it take to change a flat tire? Fuck you! +4243,5,"A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend. He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home. The driver doesn't care ""Listen pal, if you don't have 15 bucks, get the Hell out of my cab!"". Fortunately, the businessman managed to hitch a ride to the airport, and caught his flight with seconds to spare. A year later, he returns to Vegas, and this time he is in luck and wins a fortune. After claiming his winnings he goes out in front of the casino and sees a long line of cabs. Suddenly he recognises the driver who refused to give him a ride the previous year at the back of the queue. After a moment of thought, he gets into the first cab in the line. ""How much for a ride to the airport?"" He asks. ""Fifteen dollars."" ""OK, and how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"" ""Get out of my fucking cab!"" The driver snarls. The businessman goes to the second cab, asks the same question and gets a very similar reply. He does this for every cab in the long queue until he reaches his old friend at the back. ""How much for a ride to the airport?"" ""Fifteen bucks."" ""OK."" and off they went. As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a huge smile and a thumbs-up sign to all the other drivers." +4244,1,What do you call Cleopatra when she’s depressed? The Queen of Denial. +4245,0,"How do you fix a nuclear reactor with one hand? Oops, wrong sub!" +4246,0,"Do you believe in love at first site? A boy asked a girl: ""Do you believe in love at first site?"". The Girl replied, ""No"". The boy phewed and said: ""We should meet again then"". Ultimate Thug Life." +4247,0,What did one smart watch say to the other smart watch? The time is 7 am! +4248,0,"After a grueling discussion on buoyancy, liquids and other physics-sy stuff Friend : I have another question for you. What happens first when you throw a stone in water Me : Well I'd think there would be some displacement.... Friend(interupting me) : You idiot! It gets wet." +4249,1,I’ve always thought my neighbours​ were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi. +4250,0,Wanna hear a joke? America +4251,0,You know what gives me the shits? The digestive system +4252,4,Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Give him a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life. +4253,2,"The masochist and the sadist. What did the masochist say to the sadist? ""Hit me."" What did the sadist say to the masochist? ""No.""" +4254,0,"Americans, make jokes about US states that your state hates. I'll start. Did you know 29 astronauts are from Ohio? What about Ohio makes people flee the face of the Earth?" +4255,1,I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was.... He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter. +4256,5,"How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, ""My money's on the guy with the knife!"" " +4257,0,How did the duck become a junkie? He was addicted to quack. +4258,2,"The ad said, ""Answers! $50. No questions asked."" So I handed the guy 50 bucks, he said ""no"" and walked away." +4259,0,What do you call a deaf girl wearing socks? You can't. +4260,3,Forgive me Father...for I have sinned. I keep singing the barenaked ladies. “How Long has it been since your last confession?” “It’s been.......” +4261,0,"So I was driving my hovercraft around in the solar system and got pulled over by a space cop And when I was getting pulled over, I crashed into an asteroid. The cop asked : “What are doing?” I replied : “Well I guess I’m in space jam.” " +4262,0,Two postmen compete to see who can deliver the most letters. What do you call the winner? The Alpha Mail +4263,0,"Why did Nixon have a reputation for not being punctual? He is, after all, the late Richard Nixon. " +4264,4,"Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon." +4265,0,Why is the US women's soccer team mad about equal pay compared to the men's side? The US men's team haven't won in the entire history of the sport. +4266,0,"My parents were married for 56 years, and ended up dying on the same day. Murder-suicide" +4267,0,"Letter from scout camp Dear Mom and Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Bishop Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Bishop Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Bishop Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Bishop Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Bishop Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Bishop Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Bishop Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed off out first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Bishop Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Rob P.S. " +4268,1,What is the band “Foreigner’s” favourite car to drive? 4 -Runner +4269,0,I like my men like I like my coffee... Ground up and boiled in water. +4270,1,"What do you call a priest who is also a Renaissance man? A jack of all trades, master of nuns." +4271,1,"I Have A Addiction To Cheddar Cheese Don’t Worry, It’s Only Mild" +4272,2,What do you call alternative medicine that actually works? Medicine +4273,0,You know a chemistry joke is gold when you get the punchline and everyone says “Au...” +4274,0,"A teacher is preparing a lesson plan to teach her students about spelling Shes going to go A-z through the alphabet and select a student to say a word that starts with that letter. But there's this one little cock sucker named Billy who likes to swear so she's nervous about calling on him. The lesson begins and she says ""A"". Billy's hand shoots up! ""Teacher teacher! I know a word that begins with A!"" Teacher thinks about it. Decides ""no thats not a good letter to call on Billy for."" She calls on Sally instead who says ""apple"". Continues this way until they get to ""R"" Billy's hand shoots up again. ""Teacher teacher! I know a word that starts with R!"" She thinks about it. Decides it's safe. She says""billy, what's a word that begins with R?"" ""RATS! BIG MOTHER FUCKERS! WITH 6 INCH DICKS!""" +4275,1,I just found out that two of my exes are related I knew that head felt familia.. +4276,1,"My father had a stroke. I told him, ""You're all right.."" ""And no left.""" +4277,0,"A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the class, ""How many stars are in the universe?"" No one can answer. The next Friday, she asks, ""How many grains of sand are on Miami Beach?"" Again, no one can answer. Finally, a boy gets a bag full of ping-pong balls painted black. The teacher on the 3rd Friday says, ""Now for your question..."" and the boys purposely spills the bag of ping pong balls everywhere. The teacher madly asks, ""Who's the comedian with the black balls?"" The boys replies, ""Bill Cosby! See you Tuesday!""" +4278,3,"There was a boy born without eye lids last week! Doctors were able to make him eye lids out of the foreskin from his circumcision. They think he will be alright, but he is going to be a little cock-eyed. " +4279,0,"Jesus can never take a bath, If he tries to step into the water he will stay on top of it." +4280,0,What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. +4281,2,"Mommy, mommy, I saw grandma! How many times should i tell you not to dig in the sandbox." +4282,1,"What did the Lego alien say? ""I come in pieces."" ​ *An original joke by my 8 year old daughter.*" +4283,5,"A foreign doctor opens a new clinic A foreign doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 42 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."" Lawyer: ""Ugh. this is kerosene."" Doctor: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."" The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: ""I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."" Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 42 and put 3 drops in his mouth."" Lawyer (annoyed): ""This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."" Doctor: ""Congrats! You got your memory back. Give me $20."" The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: ""My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."" Doctor: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."" Lawyer (staring at the note): ""But this is $20, not $100!"" Doctor: ""Congrats! Your eyesight is restored. Give me $20""" +4284,0,"I'm like a Zeppelin Always fail, unreliable and given up on after 18 years." +4285,1,I went to the paint store to ask for a shade But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination. +4286,0,"How did the insecure man drown in a puddle? It was a well, actually." +4287,0,My mom just told me all my memes are outdated rt if u cri evrytiem +4288,0,Steve Irwin may have been a crocodile hunter for a living... But he was a stingray at heart. +4289,0,Why does your mouth open when you look up? Boy do you look dumb +4290,1,Insect is a dangerous word to type with autocorrect on I just told my boss that I love incests and invited her to see my collection at home. +4291,0,What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Bush didn't do a cow. +4292,0,"A man goes into a butchers shop Loads of meat are hanging off the ceiling. ""Why is the meat hanging on the ceiling?"" the man asked. ""Well we've got a challenge on. If you can jump up and touch a piece of meat, you can have it for free, but if you can't, you have to pay me £5. Want a go?"" ""No thank you, the steaks are too high.""" +4293,0,"Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two big guys wearing hoodies arrive. Saint Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t be prejudiced and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!” Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well they’re gone.” “The guys wearing the hoodies?'” asked God. “No. The Pearly Gates”" +4294,1,"I texted my buddy 'you free this evening?' He texted back a selfie featuring his red, white and blue cap 'I'm free every evening' (I know it's not your typical joke but I laughed when I got it). Have a happy and safe Independence Day, USA! " +4295,1,"A 4 y/o told me this one yesterday: I'm looking forward to the bees. (evil grin) If they sting, they must die." +4296,1,I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet. I was robbed at ballpoint. +4297,0,How does a person with less than 50 dollars become a millionaire? Knawledge! +4298,5,"On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, ""What time is it?"" The tower responded, ""Who is calling?"" The aircraft replied, ""What difference does it make?"" The tower replied, ""It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.""" +4299,1,What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh SHEET!!!!! +4300,3,"What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist? Nothing, giraffes aren't real." +4301,2,"Shakespeare would have been a terrible umpire. Fair is foul, and foul is fair." +4302,2,I really love how the Earth turns It really makes my day. +4303,9,What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun has only one trigger. +4304,2,"Two Russians.. ..discussed who was the greater man, Comrade Stalin or President Hoover. “Hoover taught the Americans not to drink,” says one. “Yes,” replies the other, “but Stalin taught the Russians not to eat.”" +4305,5,"A public toilet I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said: “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “ So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. He said, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “Rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”." +4306,1,Happiness is just like a butterfly... It always fucking evades you. +4307,0,I have had it with passenger air balloons! They're always blowing hot air. +4308,0,What did the cannibal say to the comic who he didn't find funny? You have bad taste +4309,1,What do a pedophile and a Pokemon master have in common? They both have a collection of CP +4310,4,I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding! +4311,0,"An orthodontist is doing dental work on a lawyer An orthodontist is doing dental work on a lawyer. Things are going smoothly, until the orthodontist mutters ""oops"". He quickly fixes his mistake and continues working. When he finishes, the lawyer looks up to see him grinning from ear to ear. ""Why are you so happy? Is everything ok?"" the lawyer asks. The orthodontist responds, ""I'm no longer afraid of being sued!"" Extremely concerned, the lawyer asks why. ""Because, I've got you on retainer!""" +4312,0,What is the foots favourite vegetable? Pota toes +4313,1,"A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. “Mum,” said the boy, “What are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work”, she replied. The taxi driver turns round and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.” The little boy’s eyes got wide and he said, “Is that true, Mum?” His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asked, “Mum, what happens to their babies?” “Most of them become taxi drivers”, she said." +4314,2,You know the bacteria that live at the bottom of toilet bowls? They have no idea the shit they're in. +4315,3,What type of rock do you find in the shed? Shedimentary! +4316,3,"The Bee One day a bee gets bored of his daily jobs, so he decided to leave his hive an explore the world. He begins his journey, and travels across all 50 states of America, meeting many wonderful people on the way. Everyone seems to like the bee. But there has to be more to life, the Bee thought, and so he decided to go to college. Four years go by, and the bee graduates with perfect grades, and moves on to a six figure job. Everyone loves him, but he decided that the job isn't right for him, so he retires. But the bee insists there has to be more to life, and so he decides to run for president. He wins the primaries and the general election in a landslide, and goes on to become to most popular president in history, and signs into law a ton of amazing legislation. Four years pass, and he decides to run for a second term. He wins again in a landslide, and everyone is so excited to see what he will do next. After those four years are up, he travels over to Vatican city where on arrival, he is all the sudden made the new pope. After inspiring millions around the globe, the bee decides he wants to visit his hive again to see how everyone has been, and to tell all his friends about his accomplishments. When he gets there he is greeted with joy. Him and his friends decide to celebrate, so they go out for dinner at a buffet. After a while he gets thirsty and so he and his friends head over to get a drink. ""let's get some beer!"" One says, and so they prance over to the beer, but the wait is huge. ""I have an idea!"" The bee's other friend says. ""Let's get some soda!"" So they trot over to the soda, but there is a huge crowd around the soda. ""You know what?"" The bee says. ""Let's just get some fruit punch."" So the three bees race over to the juice bar, and guess what? There is no punch line " +4317,0,Donald Trump is a distinguished author He has written over 15 books. They all start at Chapter 11 +4318,4,Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl? Cause they don't like turning their backs on family. +4319,1,When someone says hold your horses... They’re telling you to be stable +4320,4,It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Since they always take things literally. +4321,1,"I’ve heard the reviews for the new Grinch movie have been bad. One reviewer asked theater goers if they would watch The Grinch or a video of a sea sick crocodile, and 90% proffered watching the sea sick crocodile." +4322,1,My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees. Personally I think that’s nuts. +4323,0,Did you hear about the picky mathematician? He would tri-no-mial +4324,2,My friends tried to get me to do the limbo with them. But I wasn’t going to stoop to their level. Why should I bend over backwards for them? +4325,1,"The priest wants to check how the freshly married couple is doing Approaching their door, he not only finds it unlocked, but slightly ajar, too. Worrying for their wellbeing , he says his prayers and enters. As he walks into the living room he finds the husband, lying on the hearthrug, naked, his back facing the clergyman. 'Are you back my angel?', the nude asks. The priest coughs awkwardly and says:'No, but I work for the same guy' " +4326,0,You know how you can tell that your wife is a slob? When you go to piss in the sink and it's still full of dirty dishes +4327,8,What do you call the cleavage between breast implants? Silicon Valley +4328,1,Have you ever heard of Cole’s law? It is thinly sliced cabbage +4329,1,My wife's sex toy collection is getting out of control but I don't think i can confront her... The dick is stacked against me. +4330,1,"New Secret Service policy So, the Secret Service has a new policy regarding the President's safety. Every time the president is in danger, they must shout ""Donald, duck!""" +4331,1,"What do you call a person who studies about the mechanics and interactions of poo? A fecesist. Edit: this is my first joke, so please be as harsh as possible." +4332,0,Which one is the most durable? The hulkbuster? No. Rhodes' armor? No Visions stone? No. Captain America's shield? No. Thor's hammer? No. Iron Man's suit? No. It's the incredible Hulk's fucking incredible pants. +4333,0,How old was Adolf Hitler when he started showing outward evil? NEIN!!! +4334,0,"My name is ""El Dildo Gigante""! No way that is the name your mama gave you? True... it is the name YOUR mama gave me!" +4335,1,What did Ivan say while he was scratching his ass? Ivan itchy anus +4336,2,I respect those participating in Ramadan. No way could I go thirty days without sex. Unless my girlfriend is home. +4337,1,Why does Donald Trump still go to laundromats? It's the only place he can admit he wants to separate whites from coloreds. +4338,2,"A woman asked her husband whether she was pretty or ugly Woman: Darling, am I pretty or ugly? Husband: Both Woman: What?? What do you mean both?? Husband: I meant, you're PRETTY UGLY" +4339,3,I bought shoes from a drug dealer..... I don’t know what it was laced with but I was trippin. +4340,2,"I went to the library and asked if they had the book about men with tiny penises. She said ""I don't think it's in yet"" I said ""Yes, that's the one""" +4341,4,79 and 80 were in a fight 81 +4342,0,I always wonder if people jerk off to their own imagination That’s food for thought +4343,3,What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir +4344,0,How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes? You never see a rabbit wearing glasses. +4345,1,"At first if you don't succeed, try, try again - Harvey Weinstein" +4346,0,What do you call a male restroom in a KFC? Cock-a-doodle doo. +4347,2,Anti-vaxxers make me sick!! Literally. +4348,1,A woman can make a man into a millionaire. Only if he is a billionaire. +4349,0,"Two recently dead guys meet up heaven The first one asks the other how he died, to which he replied, ""I froze to death, you?"" ""I thought my wife was cheating because I heard moaning coming from the kitchen when I came home from work, so in a fit of rage I killed her. After searching the house for any evidence of adultery, I realized I was wrong and so I killed myself."" The other guy responds, ""I was in the fridge.""" +4350,2,"Doc... says Steve. ""I want to be castrated."" ""What on earth for!?"" asks the doctor in amazement. ""It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done."" replies Steve. ""But have you thought it through properly?"" asks the doctor. ""It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"" ""I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."" ""Well, OK."" says the doctor. ""But it's against my better judgement!"" So Steve has his operation and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. ""Hi there!"" says Steve. ""It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."" ""Well..."" said the patient. ""I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."" Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, ""Shit! THAT'S the word!""" +4351,0,How do welshman use butt plugs made of cheese? Caerphilly +4352,2,What do you call a Witch that eats sand Malnurished. +4353,6,"A man shows off his appartment to his friends After a night of drinking a man shows off his new appartment to his friends. In the bedroom they spot a giant gong. What's that gong for? They ask. That's not a gong he says, that's a talking clock. Yeah right, the friends say, show us how it works then. So the man smashes it as hard as he can and takes a step back. His friends are Just staring when suddenly they hear 'stop with the noice you asshole it's 3.45 in the norning!'" +4354,0,Some guy from Lending Tree keeps calling me. I asked him to leaf me a loan. +4355,2,Doctor looking at X-Ray: This is exactly what i was afraid of Me: what? Doctor: Skeletons +4356,2,So what is your favorite groundbreaking invention? Mine is the shovel...... +4357,2,I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will... +4358,0,Why did Mrs Dough divorce Mr Dough? He was too kneady +4359,1,What do babies and an etch-a-sketch have in common? If you dont like the way it looks you can shake it until it goes away. +4360,1,Dogs have owners Cats have staff +4361,0,"A frightened constant appears in a function space. ""Guys!"", it screams. ""Run away! Differential operator is coming here!"" All of the functions freak out and run in the random directions. All but one. ""What the hell are you doing?"", constant yells. ""He's going to differentiate you!"" ""I'm not afraid of some stupid differential operator"", it declares pompously. ""I'm e^x and I'm invincible."" A few moments later differential operator arrives. ""Hello guys, I'm d/dy""." +4362,1,What went through Hitler's mind when he killed himself? His teeth +4363,5,So...I got banned from laser tag today Apparently you can’t use a knife to conserve ammo +4364,1,What animal SHOULD be scared of vacuum cleaners? Dust bunnies. +4365,2,Birthdays are good for your health Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer. +4366,2,What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car? I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU +4367,0,What nature element would you likely get into a fight with? Water. There is always water tension. +4368,0,banks hate doctor Bruce Banner. Since he's incredible hulk. +4369,3,"Do You Know Who I Am? BOY: Isn’t our principal stupid? GIRL: Hey, do you know who I am? BOY: No, why should I? GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter. BOY: Do you know who I am? GIRL: No. BOY: Thank goodness" +4370,0,A man walks into a bar. Ouch. +4371,0,I had a careless shop teacher in High School... He lost his thumb and ring finger in an accident. What a shocker. +4372,4,"I hate immigrants.. If I could find a country that didn't let in any immigrants, I'd move there. " +4373,0,"D**K & BALLS Q: What did the d**k say to the balls? A: ""You guys hang around here while I go inside.""" +4374,1,Russians search for My Little Pony porn 427% more than the worldwide average. In Soviet Russia pony ride you. +4375,2,What does a Porsche and my sex life have in common? I don't have either. +4376,2,"What does Matthew McConaughey eat when trying to bulk up? All rice, all rice, all rice " +4377,0,"Napoleon, Hitler, and Saddam Hussein stand before God Napoleon steps forward and says, ""God, can you make France the most powerful force in the world?"" God answers, ""Of course!"" And has France attempt to invade Russia. Napoleon starts to cry Then Hitler steps forward and asks, ""God, can you make Germany the most powerful force in the world?"" ""Sure"" God says, and he starts WWII. Hitler starts to cry Finally, Saddam steps forth, and asks, ""God, can you make Iraq the most powerful force in the world?"" And God starts to cry. " +4378,0,"There once was a little girl, and it was the morning of her first day of kindergarten... ...but she got up really late, and almost missed the bus! She sprinted to the bus stop, and was able to make it on time, but was the last one on. Because of this, there were no more seats in the front of the bus with all of the kids her age, so she had to go sit in the back of the bus with all of the big, bad fifth graders. When she got back there, one of the fifth graders looked at her and said, ""Hey there little girl! Do you want to hear the *worst word in the world*?"" The little girl, taken aback since it was her first day of school, replied, ""S-s-sure?"" ""You must promise not to *ever* repeat it, because very bad things will happen if you do!"" ""O-o-okay,"" she said. ""The *worst world in the world* is..... STRAWBERRY!!!"" The little girl gasped, started crying, and ran to the front of the bus to tell the bus driver the atrocity that she had just heard. Frantically, she said, ""BUS DRIVER!! The big bad fifth graders in the back of the bus just told me the *worst world in the world*!!!"" Surprised, the bus driver replied, ""Little girl! It's okay, you don't have to listen to those big, bad fifth graders! They're just trying to scare you since it's your first day! But what did they tell you that the *worst word in the world* was?"" ""THEY SAID I CAN'T REPEAT IT OR BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!!"" the little girl cried back. ""I CAN'T SAY IT!"" ""Little girl! It's okay! I'm your bus driver! You can trust me! I won't tell anyone you repeated it!"" ""O-o-okay,"" sobbed the little girl. ""They said it w-w-was... STRAWBERRY!"" The bus driver immediately slammed on the brakes and yelled, ""YOU GET OFF OF THIS BUS RIGHT NOW LITTLE GIRL. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT WORD ON MY BUS!"" The little girl, sobbing her eyes out, obeyed and ran off of the bus. Unfortunately for her, it had started pouring rain, so she had to run the rest of the way to school in the rain. Now, since it was her first day, her teacher knew that something was wrong when he saw the little girl come into his class 45 minutes late, soaking wet. When there was a break, he pulled the little girl aside, and asked, ""Little girl! Is everything okay? Why were you so late to your first day of school?"" The little girl, still sobbing at this point, said, ""Teacher! Today has been the worst day every! First I was almost late to the bus, so I had to sit with all of the big, bad fifth graders in the back of the bus! They told me the *worst word in the world*, so I ran and told the bus driver! He got really really mad at me and kicked me off of the bus, so I had to run to school in the rain on my first day!"" ""Oh my! That is so terrible!"" the teacher said. ""I'm so sorry! What word did these fifth graders say that was so terrible?"" ""NO! I CAN'T SAY IT AGAIN!"" the little girl yelled. The teacher replied, ""It's okay little girl! I'm your teacher! You can trust me! What is the word?"" ""It-it-it's..... STRAWBERRY!"" the little girl sobbed. ""YOU GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW AND GO SEE THE PRINCIPAL YOUNG LADY! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT IN MY CLASS!"" the teacher roared. Bawling, the little girl ran down the hallways of the school, frantically looking for the principal's office. When she finally found it, she burst into the room, weeping. The principal, instantly concerned, went up to the little girl and tried to calm her down. When she finally managed to stop the little girl's crying, she sat her down in the chair and asked, ""Little girl! Why are you here already? It's only your first day of school!"" Still tearful, the little girl said, ""Principal! I've had the worst day ever! First I was almost late to the bus, so I had to sit with all of the big, bad fifth graders in the back of the bus! They told me the *worst word in the world*, so I ran and told the bus driver! He got really really mad at me and kicked me off of the bus, so I had to run to school in the rain on my first day! My teacher then asked me why I was late, so I told him, and he asked what the word was! I told him, and he kicked me out and sent me here! THIS DAY IS TERRIBLE!"" The principal, trying to absorb everything that he had just been told, tried to comfort the little girl, ""Little girl! It's okay! You're okay here! But tell me, what is the *worst word in the world*?"" ""NONONONONO I CAN'T SAY IT PRINCIPAL!"" the little girl shouted back. ""I JUST CAN'T!"" ""It's okay! I'm your principal! You can trust me! I won't tell anyone!"" she replied. ""O-o-okay. It-it-it's..... STRAWBERRY!"" ""HOW DARE YOU USE THAT WORD IN THIS SCHOOL! YOU ARE EXPELLED! GET OUT OF MY SCHOOL RIGHT NOW!"" the principal yelled. Not knowing what to do with herself and absolutely bawling her eyes out, the little girl ran out of the school, and saw a church across the street. Thinking someone there might help her, she ran across the street without looking, and got hit by a car. Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street. " +4379,3,"The guy who invented the USB died the other day When the coffin was lowered they realized that it was the other way around, so they took it up, turned it and inserted it correctly" +4380,1,What's smarter than a talking bird? A spelling bee +4381,0,"What did Barak say to Joe on the last day of his presidency? ""Bi-den. Keep in touch""" +4382,1,"Which one of those doesn't belong on this list? Eggs, Wife or blowjob? Blowjob. You can beat eggs and you can beat your wife but you can never beat a blowjob. " +4383,2,"Man, I sure love gravity It's really down to earth" +4384,0,You know the thing about Britain? It's Great +4385,2,My cute female friend said we should streak on Snapchat. She did not mean what I thought she meant. +4386,2,What do you call a Chinese cat leader? Meow Zedong +4387,2,What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for the golf ball. +4388,2,"A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ""Do you really talk?"" he asks the dog. ""Yes,"" the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, ""So, tell me your story."" The Labrador looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. ""In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. ""I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. ""Ten quid,"" the owner says. ""£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"" ""Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!." +4389,4,"My friends called me over for a threesome fuck party I told them that if I had to disappoint two people at once, I'd rather have dinner with my parents" +4390,0,Cruz picked Fiorina as his running mate. She probably gives better head than Kasich. +4391,0,"A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeeper said, ""Sorry, but we don't serve mushrooms here."" The mushroom replies, ""Why, I'm a fun guy!""" +4392,0,"What do you call an amputee masseuse? A chiral-practor. BONUS What do you call a regular, normal, non-amputee masseuse? achiral-practor." +4393,2,"Did you hear the joke about the roof? I would tell you, but it tends to go over people's heads" +4394,6,Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head? Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious +4395,1,This mummy is sore... It needs a Cairo-practor +4396,0,"Husband and wife take their dog to the vet. Vet comes in and says, ""He's got great teeth but is a bit on the chubby side."" Wife replies, ""I already knew that, what about the dog?""" +4397,1,I love Chinese because no matter how hungry I get there always seems to be more. said a cannibal +4398,0,Did you ever have sex in Asturias? It's all about pouring in cider. +4399,2,"Mickey approaches Minnie and says -Minnie, I want a divorce. -What? Are you fucking crazy? -No, I'm fucking Daisy." +4400,0,"The manager for Chelsea FC swapped their defender for another one. The opponent scored 2 goals back to back straight after. ""Oops, wrong sub."", said the manager." +4401,4,This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week... Worst running gag ever. +4402,0,What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium +4403,0,"What's the difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites? Sunnis are trying to take everything under the sun, and Shi'ites have to deal with all their shit." +4404,0,Have you heard about the naked chef? He cooks everything. Soup to nuts. +4405,0,"[NSFW] How do you get a nun pregnant? you fuck her, idiot." +4406,1,You hear about that crazy pickle who thought he was a flower? What a daffy dill! +4407,0,Did you hear the one about the gambler? He thought his life was going great but on the other hand he wasn't so sure... +4408,3,The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize. +4409,1,Why do female vampires have an advantage over male vampires? Because they get free supply of blood once a month. +4410,1,Why is 6.9 the worst number? It’s basically 69 being interrupted by a period. +4411,1,Self esteem is… …what happens when Jose and Pedro build their own sauna. +4412,0,"Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Rex Kramer / Airplane! " +4413,0,"The best birth control To prevent accidental pregnancy due to condom failure. World conferences topic was to discuss perfect method to avoid pregnancy. All scientist submitted there research. A jew scientist came with great idea which won price. He told - To prevent the condom failure use 2 condom with chilly powder in between. If inner condom is torn he will know it immediately. If outer condom breaks, she will know it!" +4414,0,I'm a drug addict I've tried to get clean but I can't afford soap because I keep buying drugs. +4415,3,A pro Limbo Dancer walks into a bar. He is immediately disqualified from the competition. +4416,0,"Turns out the Annual Arm Wrestling Competition had a four-way tie this year. The winners were Neil, Louis, Lance, and Stretch." +4417,1,"If a vegetarian often eats vegetables, then a humanitarian? Oh crap!" +4418,8,"The teacher asks, ""Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"" The teacher asks, ""Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"" Flora blushes and says, ""That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."" The teacher calls on Johnny: ""What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"" ""That's easy,"" says Johnny. ""It's the pupil of the eye."" ""Very good, Johnny,"" responds the teacher. ""That's correct."" She then turns to Flora and says, ""First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."" " +4419,2,"A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who is best at their job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”" +4420,1,"A man before marriage, is a dude. A man after marriage, is subdued." +4421,0,"[Long] There once lived an Asian couple... ..Frank and Myi (pronounced like *""my""*) - due to the fact that both lost parents shortly after birth, neither had a last name. Being very superstitious people, they thought that just going to a hospital would somehow cause Myi to give birth - as a result, neither of them would go to a doctor for serious injuries, or even get a checkup. As a result, they were very physically weak - Myi was missing several teeth as a result of only eating rice and fish for decades on end, and Frank suffered from fragile and brittle bones. They were weak and poor. But they were happy. And, to them, that's all that mattered. One day, Frank decided to dedicate the rest of his life to his idol, Bruce Lee. With heartfelt goodbyes to Myi, he left America and went to Japan to work as Bruce Lee's entourage - they say he was the best student to work with the best teacher. When Bruce Lee died in 2023 of lung failure, the world christened his last and greatest pupil with the name, ""Lee"". Myi, while Frank was busy training in Japan, decided to move to Luxembourg to achieve her dream of becoming the world's greatest chef. Myi loved to cook (even if her only customer was only Frank) - so much so, that she decided to pursue a type of cooking known as ""Daer Cooking"" - a reference to the ancient Norwegian dish of the same name, Daer Cooking is the sport of mixing gymnastics and death-defying stunts with cooking, like making ratatouille from atop a tapwire 30 meters off the ground, or making byranii using only what is within 2 meters of you, etc. Despite being tough to complete in, Myi enjoyed Daer cooking with only the passion a crazy old woman could achieve. Between the years 2023 - 2031, Myi nearly died seven times, due to (in chronological order): asphyxiation, frostbite, brain trauma, sulfide-epidermal poisoning, shattered vertebrae, arsenic inhalation, and lastly, heat stroke. Despite the severity of the injuries, she somehow always became well and alive within the hour - because of this, and her skill at the sport, she became known as ""Myi Daer"". In 2034, Frank and Myi finally decided to have a child (despite Myi being well into her 60s) - however, neither *actually* knew the process of having a child. They assumed one would walk into a hospital with his wife, and his wife would bring a pillow, and they would ask for a child of a certain name - this was not because of their intelligence; no, this was because of their superstitious beliefs. On the morning of May 21st, 2034, they decided to choose a name before going to the hospital, to leave the luck blind-eyed. Myi wanted ""Mirelia"", but Frank simply wanted ""Dan"". In a heated argument, Myi finally agreed on Dan. With a pillow in hand, they walked proudly yet briskly to the hospital an hour away. They did not know it, but there were little children in cars and buses, passing them by, wondering why on Earth was Myi and Frank Lee were walking so air-chestedly, with a pillow in hand. When they got to the hospital, they made immediately to the maternity ward- they noticed that there were several closed curtains there; obviously, children were a secretive business. The young, cheery Italian receptionist noticed them gawking at the row of closed curtains, and, knowing who the famous Myi and Frank Lee were, waved them over excitedly. Without a drop, Frank said, ""I am Frank Lee. I would like a baby named Dan, please."" The receptionist looked at both of them, from one to another, with a perplexed expression. She said, ""Frank Lee, Myi Daer, I don't give-a Dan.""" +4422,4,What do you call a group of transgender superheroes? Ex-Men +4423,2,I had a dream all night that I was a muffler I woke up exhausted +4424,1,I was going to break up a fight between two Rabbis... But they were just arguing semitics. +4425,1,I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%... /r/jokes 😜 +4426,2,What kind of quack does a duck have? A butt quack. +4427,2,My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis I said maybe +4428,2,Whats the difference between being hungry and horny? Depends where you put the cucumber +4429,0,"I'm trying to get rid of my boomerang. But every time I do something to get rid of it, it just comes back." +4430,0,What does a weaboo pirate own? An Arr-nime body pillow. +4431,0,"A guy sits next to an attractive woman at the bar After a few minutes he turns to her and asks: ""Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?"" ""CERTAINLY NOT!"" she replies ""Well it must be your feet then"" " +4432,3,Why are black people so great at jumping? [NSFW] Because their knee grows... Edit: Ok so people have been saying that I'm racist.. But I can't be racist because being racist is a crime. And only black people commit crimes. +4433,0,I've watched the same porno movie 126 times. I'm trying to see how it ends. +4434,0,...monitors taken out of hibernation fried! ...ranger from Delhi Zoo said he fancied the four monitor Lizards after fasting! +4435,0,"Went golfing in Texas last week Every time I took a shot a group of Mexicans ran by kicking my ball! This happened 3 times in a row then I told my friend watch this. So I chipped onto the green and sure enough 3 Mexicans run by and kick it off so I took my gun out and shot at them. My friend says ""well you didn't make par, but you shot a hole in Juan""" +4436,1,"At first I didn't trust my new dentist... But, then he made a good impression." +4437,0,Why did Spez edit comments on t_d? Because he wanted to have his cake and edit too. +4438,1,Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up. +4439,0,"Donal Trump, Hillary Clinton and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? AMERICA " +4440,2,"What do you call a store that only sells pretzels, bagels and donuts? Hole Foods." +4441,0,"What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal? ""nice watch""" +4442,0,What do you call and incestuous nephew? An aunt eater +4443,1,What I hate about commercials I hate how they abruptly cut o +4444,0,Why does Stormzy wear the same shoes he did when he was 12? He thinks he's never too big for his boots +4445,1,"What did the policeman say to the condom? ""Cover me; I'm going in.""" +4446,0,"You and Esco are really nice guys. Even though it's sad to see you go ,I must admit I'm pretty hyped since I've never inherited a whole world before." +4447,0,"I walked into the bank to get change for work, slapped a 50 on the counter and said... Give me fives! Give me dimes! Give me singles on the side! They made me leave. So I Raged Against the Automated Teller Machine outside... " +4448,6,"A cowboy from Texas A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ""I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."" The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. ""Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"" he explains, ""It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."" ""Hasn't affected my brothers though....""" +4449,0,Why do people shoot up schools? Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service. +4450,1,"Why did the potato salad blush? Because it saw the salad dressing. (I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)" +4451,2,Nasa scientists became fed up of jokes on Uranus and decided to change it's name It's now called Urrectum +4452,0,You know how you can tell America descended from Europe? We have the same baby throwing an identical tantrum +4453,3,"By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ""You've got to have a room somewhere,"" he pleaded. ""Or just a bed, I don't care where."" ""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"" admitted the manager, ""and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."" ""No problem,"" the tired Marine assured him. ""I'll take it."" The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ""How'd you sleep?"" asked the manager. ""Never better."" The manager was impressed, ""No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"" ""Nope, I shut him up in no time,"" said the Marine. ""How'd you manage that?"" asked the manager. ""He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"" the Marine explained. ""I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.""" +4454,9,"Asked My Parents if I was an accident Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really." +4455,1,What do you get when you cross an octopus and a Mexican? I don't know but it can pick the shit out of some lettuce. +4456,3,"I was in a taxi today and the driver said, ""I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."" Then I said: ""Turn left here.""" +4457,0,Did you hear that David got his ID stolen? Now he’s just Dav. +4458,0,What is the best thing to wear with a Michel Jackson jacket? Your Billie Jeans +4459,2,"A programmer walks into a bar Wait, do programmers have enough time to go to a bar?" +4460,2,"A bank teller is confronted by an ugly man.. The man says: “Will you have sex with me for 500$? I throw it on the ground and fuck you until you pick it all up.” He then shows her five 100$ bills. The woman responds: “I’ll have to think about it, come in tomorrow and I’ll tell you my decision.” The man leaves and the woman heads home after her shift is over, when she gets home she calls her sister Teller: “I don’t know what to do! I know he has the money but I couldn’t be quick enough!” Sister: “He’s a dumbass! It’ll be quick, just pick up the money and you’ll be done before your pants are down!” Teller: “fine, I’ll do it. I’ll cal you when it’s done” The woman hangs up and goes to work the next day After the tellers sister hasn’t heard from her she gets worried and calls her sister Sister: “How did it go? How are you?” Teller: “He’s still going! The son of a bitch brought pennies!”" +4461,3,"A gay Mexican is suing someone for discrimination In the courtroom, he appeared before the judge and began,""Your honor, when I went in to this man's work site, when he noticed that I wasn't white or straight, he said that both were a ""problem"" and he even offered to ""fix"" them for me."" The judge appeared shocked, and turned towards the defendant. ""Defendant, would you care to explain yourself?"" The defendant leaned into the microphone and stated softly, ""your honor....I'm a dentist""" +4462,1,What's a ninjas favorite drink? Punch +4463,0,They're making a new Bond film with a fat actor as James Bond. It's going to be called 'Live and Let Diet'. +4464,1,I’m okay with smoking marijuana. But cocaine is where I draw the line. Edit: PSAs today is 420 days from 4/20 in 04/20. Go crazy. +4465,1,"What do you call Sean Connery inside a toilet stall without any toilet paper? ""A Shituation.""" +4466,4,"A man arrives to the airport with three bags A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”" +4467,0,"Hey, wanna hear a long joke about Constantinople? Never mind, it wouldn't work; this joke's too Byzantine." +4468,2,"A guy is driving a truck full of penguins to the zoo All of a sudden his truck starts to break down. He pulls over to the side of the road and sees a man walking down the side of the highway. He flags him down and asks ""Can you do me a favor? I have to get my truck fixed but I have all these penguins that need to go to the zoo. Can you take them to the zoo for me?"" The man agrees and 200 penguins get out of this guy's truck and start following the other man down the road towards the zoo. An hour later, the truck driver's truck is all fixed up and he starts driving towards the zoo to make sure the penguins got there alright. Soon he sees the man from before walking in the opposite direction of the zoo with the 200 penguins still marching right behind him. He immediately pulls over and gets out of his truck and starts yelling ""What do you think you're doing? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"" The man replies ""I did! Now I'm taking them for ice cream.""" +4469,2,"Little Johnny walks in on his parents haveing sex Little Johnny walks in on his parents haveing sex. As soon as he walks in his dad hurries and jumps to the floor and starts looking under the bed. Little Johnny ask ""DAD,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"" Dad replies ""IM LOOKING FOR A DAMN RAT THAT I KEEP HEARING!!"" At that Little Johnny looks at his dad with a disturbed look on his face and say ""SO ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK THE RAT TOO?""" +4470,3,What does a 9 volt battery and your girlfriends ass have in common? You know it's wrong but eventually you're going to stick your tongue on it. +4471,4,"One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. ""The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2"". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers ""what's he banging on about?"" Peter replies ""don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas""" +4472,1,I got my daughter a weighted anxiety blanket for Christmas. She’s been freaking out about it all day. +4473,1,What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Expecting an anti-joke but only getting meta. +4474,0,What's Donald Trump's favorite musical instrument? A squeeze box... +4475,2,What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes? Jew-ish +4476,1,"What did the inmate say to the governor after they accidentally bumped into each other? “Oh, pardon me.”" +4477,5,"If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ""What is politics?"" The dad says, ""Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."" The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ""Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."" The father says, ""Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."" The little boy replies, ""Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.""" +4478,1,What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories? Aesop’s Cables +4479,0,How does the lemur get to work? He takes his Madagas-car. +4480,1,What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel? It is ground breaking! +4481,4,"I've always hated donating blood. They always ask way too many questions. Like, ""Where did you get the blood"" or ""Whose blood is this"". Like come on, I'm donating just be grateful. " +4482,5,"A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school. When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket. The physicist says, ""We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."" The chemist says, ""No! No! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."" While the physicist and chemist are debating, they observe with alarm that the statistician is running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, ""What are you doing?"" To which the statistician replies, ""Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get an adequate sample size.""" +4483,3,What do I love about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus. +4484,0,"A man walks past a man sitting on the street. He hands him 5$ but the man gives it back. He says ""I'm not poor, my financial adviser is just Ukrainian."" (It's OK. I can say this because I'm Ukrainian)" +4485,6,"A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey... The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender... -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts... -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work" +4486,3,What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme. +4487,2,Why did 4 not watch horror movies? It's was 2 squared! +4488,1,"My dog's name is Butter. one day, I went outside and accidentally stepped on his testicles. Anybody want some butter nut squash?" +4489,5,"A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks... Mom, is this my brain? The mother replies: not yet son, not yet..." +4490,1,How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers? Because I think it makes perfect scents. +4491,0,"Why is it,when a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.... But when a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $5.00 a minute." +4492,3,Who was the smartest of all the Spanish conquistadors? Cerebral Cortez +4493,3,"I finally had sex with my teacher today! This has been something I’ve always had a fetish for, though, everyone I’ve told so far has called me a sicko and weird. Well gtg study for my test tomorrow, but lucky for me it’s at the end of the day. Being home schooled is very convenient. " +4494,4,I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter to me. +4495,0,"Walking in the Woods One night a child molester and a little kid are walking in the woods at night. The little kid says to the molester ""Gee mister it's scary out here."" To which the molester replies ""How do you think I feel I have to walk back alone.""" +4496,1,"CLEAN THE POOL! My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months. I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”. I think she’s being a little too bossy." +4497,3,"My computer just said ""Hello"" to me I think it's a Dell." +4498,0,"[Original Joke] A very tall man by the name of Levy Tate runs into the dealership to get a new car. Mr. Tate pays for an orange SUV in all cash and drives it home without trying to even negotiate the price. This confuses Bruce, the owner, but a sale is a sale and so he dismisses the thought. Realizing that he has forgotten about insurance, he immediately heads down to Liberty Mutual and signs up for 12 months. Now you may not know, but Levy likes to play little tricks on people, and he often gets in trouble for his shenanigans. The very next Wednesday, Levy dings the car while parking due to his carelessness. Luckily, the insurer covers the costs without any questions. Puzzled by the quickness of the claim adjuster in processing the coverage, he decides that next month (which would be March, but this detail is certainly not important, so do not worry) he would run a little experiment. When the day comes, he wakes up and reconsiders his plan at exactly noon. Instead, he will pull off the scheme on purple Tuesday, otherwise known as the last Tuesday in May. On purple Tuesday, he drives down Main street and ""crashes"" into a Spruce tree. The car is completely totaled, but after carefully explaining the story to the Neanderthals (at this point, he thought the office must be full of morons), he is immediately reimbursed. Thinking that the employee must be a complete doofus, he buys a new Audi, and shortly after getting home, completely obliterates it with a flamethrower and sledgehammer. To his surprise, they gave him back the entire purchase price. At this point, Levy decides to stop the rodeo, and get back to his milder pranks. Surely he has gone too far this time! Sometime next year, he sees browses Wikipedia and stumbles across an article that explains everything. ""Of course! How could I be so stupid not to notice?"" This, my dear friends, was an example of the concept of *Mutual Insured Destruction.*" +4499,1,What’s a lumberjacks favourite meal? Plaid Thai +4500,3,What did one snowman say to the other snowman? You smell carrots? +4501,1,Switzerland has good food and beautiful landscapes On top of that their flag is a big plus +4502,1,"There was a young climber named Ed... There was a young climber named Ed No mountain could fill him with dread Then he met a big fatty named Pumpkin-Ass Patty And he said, ""I'll do Everest instead""." +4503,4,"What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 Cent, featuring Nickleback" +4504,0,"A man walks into a bar That must have hurt Yes, I hate my myself" +4505,1,"Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.” And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”" +4506,0,An insomniac atheist dyslexic with DID walks into a bar. The two are up all night arguing about the existence of doG. +4507,2,What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist bastard. +4508,2,i decided to be vegan i quit cold turkey +4509,2,Why does Russia have so much natural gas? Because their leader is always Putin +4510,1,"Posted on my Facebook group that it's 40 below outside. Some responded, is that Fahrenheit or Centigrade?" +4511,5,"I left my husband after he changed his name to ""John Cena"". I just couldn't see him anymore." +4512,0,"Press One? This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at boobs and she said ""Press One?"" So I did... I don't remember much after that." +4513,1,What’s an old persons underwear taste like? Depends +4514,0,Where did Timmy go after the explosion? Everywhere. +4515,6,I just watched a documentary on Marijuana. I recommend all documentaries be watched this way. +4516,0,Why does Helen Keller use two hands to masturbate? So she can moan with the other +4517,0,"Stephen Harper's Campaign Against Trump ""Donald Trump: He's just too old""" +4518,3,"This woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at... The doctor said ""Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconson University?"" The girl says ""Why do ask?"" The doc says ""I'm not just a doctor- I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front; its mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."" ""Not bad doc"" she says- ""Not bad"" ""Well..."" says the doctor ""Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"" Girl- ""Nope- but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan""" +4519,1,"How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop." +4520,1,What did Lil' John say when the fan asked for an autograph at the loud club? What? Yeah... OK. +4521,0,There is a gun fight at exibition of contemporary jokes Bad News: they are all dad. +4522,1,"voting Voting is compulsory in Australia. But sometimes politicians complain when people mess up their ballot papers. Last time I wrote ""you fuckers ruined the country"" on mine. Not sure which party will honestly try to claim that vote." +4523,0,If I had a dollar for every gender I'd pay the progressive left to keep making up more. +4524,0,When it comes to detecting injuries... ...dogs can't but cats can. +4525,0,Don't visit a psychic with glasses... To know what will happen next year they'll need 2020 vision! +4526,1,Today I learned... That I'm on the wrong subreddit. +4527,0,What did the square of cloth identify as on tumblr? Nap-kin +4528,3,What would you call Spider Man if he was a valet? Peter Parker +4529,2,"A cruise magician... ... Had a parrot who spoiled every trick. You know, like, ""That box has a hidden floor"". One day during the performance, the cruise ship exploded, but the magician and the parrot saved themselves on a piece of debris. They floated along in silence for three days, when the parrot quips ""Okay, I give up. How did you manage to make the ship disappear?"". " +4530,1,Did you hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he +4531,0,"I have 3 eyes, 2 mouths, and 5 ears. What am I? An accident." +4532,1,Remember that AMA guy whose mother slept with him because he had broken his arms? She was adding incest to injury. +4533,2,"Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault. His victim said ""his hands were everywhere""" +4534,1,In The News: Inquiry Into Zika Virus Origin Points To Accident By Government Scientist Turns out he was just looking for a little head. +4535,0,What do you call Marshall Mathers when he's sick? An ill lyricist. +4536,1,What do you call an ape that's stingy? A cheap-pants-zee. +4537,0,Height of misunderstanding.. Wife not talking to husband and thinking she is punishing him. +4538,3,"A man with a high voice walks into a bar - can I have a beer please? He said in a high voice. The rest of the people in the bar made fun of him for having such a high voice. Then the man visited the doctor. - Doctor I have a high voice and everybody makes fun of me To which the doctor replied with: - Don't worry, here have this cucumber and shove it up your ass, It will make your voice sound heavier The man shoved the cucumber up his ass and his voice changed to heavier - **Thanks Doc** He said with a heavy voice The next day he shoved the cucumber up his ass went to the bar again - **One beer please** Everybody admired him for his heavy voice. He kept going to the bar with the cucumber up his ass everyday but one day he forgets it at home, He quickly rushes back home and asks his wife - Where is my cucumber? to which his wife replies with a heavy voice: - **I don't know, keep looking**" +4539,0,I hate vacuum cleaners They just suck +4540,2,"Three men were trapped in a desert. Crying for God's help, they heard a voice from the sky... So the voice tells them, ""I shall give you one chance and one chance only to leave this place. Run to the top of that hill and yell what you want to become. You will then transform into what you yelled. After some thinking, the first man ran up to the top of the hill and yelled, ""Eagle!"" before soaring away. The next man, ran up and yelled, ""Snake!"" before slithering away. The last man ran up, tripped on a rock, and yelled, ""Shit!""" +4541,3,What do you call a Pokémon with a tiny head? Zikachu +4542,0,What's common between Hillary and Bill Clinton? A jew blowing their presidency +4543,0,What do you call a group of dogs? a PAW-se +4544,0,"Satan knocks on a priest's Priest: Welc...BY THE LORD, ARE YOU HERE TO TAKE MY SOUL? Satan: No, the church has done that. I'm here to tell you that the boy has escaped your basement." +4545,1,What happens when toilet paper grows up big and strong? It becomes a toiletry. +4546,1,"One day Thanos is working in his garden He is in his garden pulling weeds until he gets a scission right on his arm. Now normally thanos wouldn’t think a little cut would warrant a trip to the hospital but this one is bleeding pretty bad, so thanos grabs his driving hat and drives to the Urgent Care. He arrives and is greeted by the nurse. Nurse: “hello please fill out one of these please” and hands him a paper. After Thanks is done he returns it and is greeted by Dr.Will. They go back to the patient room. Dr.Will “so what seems to be the problem?” Thanos “I have a bad cut on my arm” Dr.Will “alright let me take a look” Upon examination the Dr. realized that this was a very bad cut. So bad traditional methods wouldn’t work. Dr.Will “yikes that’s a bad cut. I’ll be right back I have to go get an assistant” Dr.will leaves. He is gone for a little while and Thanos is getting worried, he is loosing a lot of blood. He is starting to get light headed and drowsy. Finally after some time Dr.Will returns. Dr.Will “I’m sorry that took so long. I’m gonna have to pull off this stunt myself, all my assistances are off today.” Dr. Will puts on his gloves and does the procedure. It works perfectly. Thanos is interested in how it worked. Thanos “ Doc why did you need an assistant if you did it by yourself?” Dr.Will “ oh normally I’m too fatigued and it requires a bit of muscle on my end to get a needle through a super hero’s skin for the stitching, but today I didn’t need an assistant for help. Thanos “ hardest De-scissions require the strongest wills” " +4547,0,The doctor says i have myopic attendance syndrome I can't see myself coming in to work today. +4548,5,I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing She's behind with the washing. +4549,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To vote for Putin like all the others. +4550,1,How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg +4551,2,Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two tired. +4552,2,I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. +4553,2,"A cardiologist goes to a mechanic A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running' " +4554,2,"We call my grandpa ""Spider-Man"" He doesn't have any super powers, he just finds it hard to get out of the bath" +4555,3,"I don't always roll a joint... But when I do, it's my ankle." +4556,3,"The pope is in Mexico visiting. He lowers the partition and kindly asks if he can drive..... Driver: Excuse me your excellency? Pope: I said, would you mind if I drive today? Driver: B..bu...but, sir I will most certainly loose my job if I did that. Pope: In all these years I have never driven. I used to enjoy driving so very much. I promise, you will not loose your job. After much deliberation the driver finally concedes. The driver gets out of the front door and holds it open for the Pope. The pope exits the pitch black privacy of the back seat of the the long stretch limo and settles into the drivers seat. The driver assumes his seat in the back. As soon as they both close the door, the Pope guns it. Like something out of a Vatican NASCAR or a catholic French Connection. He is weaving in and out of traffic; passing on right; jumping over the median; performing 180s and 360s. Inevitably, a cop sees him and the Pope quickly pulls over. The mexican cop walks to the drivers side window. Cop: 'the hell do you think you are doing!! Let me see your lic..... the cop is paralyzed in fear. He mumbles, stumbles and goes back to his vehicle. Cop (on the radio): Capitan! Capitan: yes corporal what is the matter Cop: I fucked up. I think I pulled over someone very important Capitan: Well who is it, Is it the Mayor? Cop: No, he is more important! Capitan: Holy shit! is it the president of Mexico Cop: More important, I think. Capitan: Is it Obama!?!! Cop: I think more important Capitan: Corporal!?! what the hell do you mean ""you think""! Who the hell did you pull over? Cop: Well, Capitan, I am not entirely sure. But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur. " +4557,2,"A man sits down in a confessional and closes the door. ""What would you like to confess my son?"" Says the priest. ""I had an extramarital affair. Twice yesterday with a younger woman. I'm 47 and she Is only 18 but I just couldnt resist. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect perky breasts and her lips taste like a peach!"" The priest asks ""How long since your last confession?"" ""Well I've never confessed. I'm Jewish"" replies the man. ""You are not even Catholic? Why are you here confessing your sins?"" ""Confessing my sins? I'm telling EVERYONE!""" +4558,1,Kim Kardashian’s ass is ridiculous He’s egotistical too +4559,0,Mother****ing Dad. Me: *does something stupid* “Motherfucker!” Dad: *appears out of nowhere* “You rang?” +4560,3,RIP boiling water. You will be mist. +4561,2,"Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it. He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed." +4562,7,"An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, ""Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."" ""Oh, no worries buddy."" says Vasya. The Communist then turns to another friend. ""Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."" ""No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven"" says Petya. ""Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."" ""Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace"" says Misha. ""Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years"" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. ""I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."" His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says. ""And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."" Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: ""Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.""" +4563,2,"A traveling salesman was driving on a lonely country road on his way home one night when a huge storm came up. He saw farmhouse up the road and headed for it. He knocked on the door and the farmer answered. The salesman asked if he could take shelter from the storm at his house. The farmer welcomed him in and put him up for the night. In the morning, the kind farmer served him bacon and eggs and the salesman was extremely thankful for his hospitality On his way out, the farmer walked him to his car and the salesman saw a pig with 3 legs go past. The salesman asked why does that pig only have 3 legs?. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s one special pig!” The salesman asked why he was special. The farmer said, “Well, one night a fire broke out in the house and the wife and I were sleeping. That pig broke through the door and made such a racket that it woke us up and saved our lives!” The salesman said “Wow! But why does he have only 3 legs?” The farmer said “Well, that’s one special pig! Another time my son fell into the well and that pig came running to me squealing and led me to him so I could rescue him! “. The salesman said, “Yes he sounds very special, so why does he only have 3 legs? “ And the farmer replied, “well now, son, a pig that special you don’t eat all at once!”" +4564,1,How do you make a strawberry shake? You put it in the freezer. +4565,1,"Why does a mosquito buzz in your ears? It doesn't. It buzzes everywhere, only you can hear it from your ears. " +4566,0,"I was touring a nuclear power plant, when I noticed a stray cat in the control room... The plant workers were all concentrating on their jobs, and that cat was just wandering unnoticed, sniffing at some of the controls. I figured the cat might damage something if it touched those controls, so I told it to leave. The cat, however, was stubborn, it just kept right on exploring the place. So I raised my voice a bit. ""Go on!"" I told it, gesturing to the door. But the cat didnt listen. Now I didnt want to get scratched trying to grab a stray cat, so I tried yelling at it next. ""SCRAM! NOW!"" I yelled, and finally, that darn cat left. But I must've been too late, the cat must've touched something, because just a few seconds later the plant shut off." +4567,1,A Roman walks into a bar and sticks two fingers up He says to the bartender “five beers please.” +4568,2,What's a duck's favorite thing to smoke? Quack. +4569,1,"Professor X: And what exactly is your mutant power? I whisper, *its not very good* in his left ear, but he hears it in his right ear." +4570,2,"Why didn't the coast guard save the hippie? He was just too far out there, man." +4571,0,How can you tell Tweedledee from Tweedledum? Tweedledum is the blonde one. +4572,0,You know what the periodic table is missing? +4573,1,Some people are sarcastic and some people are stupid. Half of them just don't know it. +4574,4,Ladies call me Subway... because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches +4575,2,"The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes. The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?'' The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.'' The king's eyes teard up, till his beard became soaking wet And he quickly ran his bone saw and cut the man toes, and told him now they fit the shoes. " +4576,2,"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body But I'm so polite, I only look at the covered parts." +4577,2,"Taxidermist A taxidermist was traveling for a job in a rural area, and stopped off for a meal at a local bar and grill. After entering all eyes were on him, and he felt quite uncomfortable so he hurried to the bar to place an order to go, when he turned around he was surrounded with hillbillies glaring. The leader says ""what are you doing here stranger""? Taxidermist replies nervously, ""I'm a Taxidermist I'm here for work"" the glares intensify, "" a taxidermist! What the hell is that""? The taxidermist goes "" I stuff and mount animals"" the hillbilly breaks into a wide grin "" it's all cool boys he's one of us""!!!!!!" +4578,2,My wife is constantly washing up. 6 times now I have dragged her body out to sea +4579,0,A guy with a birth defect walks into a bar He tries to hit up a girl but the girl suddenly starts vomiting uncontrollably he calls an ambulance and she was sent to a hospital later the doctor walks to the guy and says: “I’m sorry but she’s lactose intolerant.” +4580,0,Why are calculators grey and boring? Cause it's what's on the inside that counts! EDIT: it was a joke guys:( +4581,4,I heard King Arthur had a sex addiction [NSFW] He came a lot +4582,3,How can you tell if a mechanic has an active sex life? One of his fingers is perfectly clean. +4583,1,"My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion. Everytime we would ask ""Anything you need?"", he would say ""Oh, Negative""." +4584,1,The largest city in the world is: The largest city in the world is Dublin. That's because the size and population are always Dublin. +4585,1,What is the only thing flat earthers fear? Sphere itself +4586,1,"Woman in a bar says to her friend ""My boyfriend cheated on me and i don't need a man like that"" Friend : Aww honey what happened Woman : He said he prefers his wife sometimes." +4587,2,"What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry? ""Today is a good day to dry.""" +4588,0,"My friend went to the mall, the other day; Apparently they were at the Lakeland square Mall, with her 6 year old son , Dylan and came across a Muslim women wearing a hijab, covering her whole body. Dylan then, pointing at her screamed "" Mom, look! A Ninja!"" " +4589,0,"Alabama lawmakers outlaw condoms; All males must collect and donate any loose sperm In a landmark decision, Alabama lawmakers declared: > if it has a life, it has right... and that applies to casual sex as well According to sources, all sperm released from men, must be collected and put on life support or closest orifice capable of giving birth under penalty of death. > if you think you can go around murdering sperm just to get your rocks off, you got another think coming." +4590,0,"Honey, I'm afraid our son eats too much Froot Loops. We don't want him to grow as cereal killer." +4591,1,There's only one part of me that's big and black and it's below my waist My shadow +4592,9,"My town's population never changes Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town." +4593,0,"Why do developers love video games? You might think it's the sense of adventure, the fire-breathing monsters and damsels in distress, or perhaps the challenges and puzzles to be solved? Nope. It's just the experience of carrying out a task from start to finish without any change in the user requirements." +4594,0,Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out +4595,1,"Which came first: the chicken, or the egg? Probably the chicken. The egg seems pretty incapable of having an orgasm. " +4596,1,Everyone on Xbox live has always told me they had sex with my wife so I finally had to ask her about it. F/A LFG +4597,3,What’s Harry Potters favorite way of getting down the hill? Walking JK Rolling +4598,1,What did the French stoner say? 80 blaze it +4599,1,Why was the snowman smiling? Because he saw the snowblower coming +4600,2,My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian I mistakes. +4601,2,What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner? Twerky +4602,0,"A couple never made love in the morning Then one day, just as they were going to sit down for breakfast, a man's wife asked him whether he wanted coffee or tea. His response seemed to get her going and they made love. He was surprised by the spontaneity, but didn't think much of it. The next morning, same question, same answer, same outcome. He again didn't ask anything, he had a good thing going and didn't want to spoil it. A few days later, he finally asked her what was happening. Man: ""Why do you always get in the mood in the morning these days?"" Wife: ""Oh, I thought you really wanted it, so I obliged."" Man: ""Huh, how come?"" Wife: ""You keep saying that you're feeling not tea, not tea in the morning"" " +4603,2,My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment. It's first cum first serve. +4604,2,"I don't always seduce hispanic Star Trek fans... but when I do, I prefer dos Trekkies" +4605,0,What did Ariana Grande want to be when she grew up? Ariana Venti +4606,4,"As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you. But I can see where you are coming from." +4607,0,What do you call... ...a group of homosexuals hanging out with Huntingtons disease patients at a skate park? A bowl of fruits and vegetables. +4608,0,"Today in school we had a presentation on 9/11 and a kid came up to tell us about his dad he lost... Saddest part was the kid was 7 years old Just want to clarify, I am in no way trying to make a joke out of 9/11, but the kids who want to attention by lying, because this child’s father could not have been in 9/11 if he is 7 years old " +4609,0,"A younger brother gets suspicious of his older brother going out to the forest everynight... Then,he asks his older brother ""Why are you always going towards the forest at night alone?"". The older brother thinking it's time his younger brother knew says ""There's a lady sleeping in a hut in the jungle.Everyday at night I go and fuck her.Don't tell this to anybody."" But alas their father hears them.He decides to play with the boys and teach them a lesson. So,next day their dad goes to the forest,into the hut and replaces the lady sleeping in the bed in the hut. Eager to have a threesome,two brother go to the forest and inside the hut. After readying themselves, Older brother-OK you start doing from the front and I'll do from the back. Older brother starts from the back. Younger brother-Whoa slowly dude.Yours is coming out front." +4610,0,A prison was allowed to have any sega themed musical group. They chose Contra Band. +4611,1,Did you hear Earth is seeking psychiatric help? It's bipolar... +4612,5,"A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road... The frog says, ""I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?"", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket. Again, the frog says, ""But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!"", the programmer chuckles and puts the frog away again. Ten minutes later, the frog says, ""Look, if you kiss me, I'll have sex with you all day, every day. Deal?"", the programmer laughs and puts the frog away again. He gets home, takes the now severely depressed frog out of his pocket and sets it down in an aquarium. The frog looks up at the coder and says, ""What the fuck is wrong with you man? I offered to marry you, I offered to screw you, but STILL you won't turn me back into my human form."" The programmer says, ""I'm a programmer. I don't have time for relationships, or sex - but a talking frog? SO COOL!"" (Sorry if you've already heard it. I'm a programmer, I don't have time to check to see if it's a repost.)" +4613,4,What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky. +4614,0,"Texan in Alaska A Texas man is in Alaska on a business trip, and ends up in a local bar that evening, he's bragging about how things are bigger, better, and tougher in Texas, and after awhile the locals have had enough...One of them tells the Texan that in Alaska, a man isn't even considered ""A MAN"", unless he can down a fifth of strong whiskey in one gulp, wrestle a bear, and rape an Eskimo woman all in the same day. The Texan agrees to the test, reaches for a bottle, downs it in one drink, then stumbles and sways after the others out into the woods . The locals tell him they can hear a bear through the trees, and the Texan goes in after it...He comes back out a half hour later, reeling, with his clothes in tatters, and dripping blood from several wounds, and asks the locals ""Okay, now where's this Eskimo woman I'm supposed to wrestle?""" +4615,1,"Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed. ​ “Are you okay?” the wife asks. ​ “I guess,” he replies. ​ “I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep.” ​ The man replies, “Who said I was asleep?”" +4616,1,"If you don’t come to funeral. I’m not going to yours, that’s that" +4617,2,This is a bit of a stiff one... Roses are red Nuts are brown Skirts go up Pants go down Body to body Skin to skin When its stiff Stick it in The Longer its in The Stronger it gets It goes in dry And comes out wet It comes out dripping And starts to sag Its not what you think...... Its a Teabag +4618,6,"I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential. " +4619,2,One of my friends likes to try and wind me up with bird puns I soon realised that toucan play that game. +4620,4,I just took laxatives and huffed some nitrous oxide... for shits and giggles. +4621,1,Why did the boxer hate jokes? Because he was always in the punchline. . +4622,2,Did you hear the local ATM was having issues? It was having withdrawal symptoms. +4623,2,Potato is spelt wrong. If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough If OUGH stands for O as in Dough If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour If TTE stands for T as in Gazette If EAU stands for O as in Plateau The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU +4624,4,"Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime. She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..." +4625,2,As a german you know What really grinds my gears? When that fucker in the left Lane is only going 190 on the fucking autobahn you fucking disgrace. +4626,1,I would make a joke about Amy Schumers comedy career but im afraid nobody will laugh +4627,3,"How many officers does it take to change a lightblub? They can't change it, they just beat it for being dark" +4628,0,What language does a penis speak? Sperm-ese +4629,0,Why are bridges always so vengeful? Because everyone crosses them! ^^^I ^^^Feel ^^^No ^^^Shame +4630,0,I immediately knew my Chinese wife was the one for me You could say she was my destine Asian +4631,0,"There's only 2 types of people in the world. The idiotic people, those that don't understand ANYTHING, like the people that can be staring at something and not know how to spell it. Then you have regular people, those that you can find almost anywhere and can actually be helpful of you ask nicely. And finally, you have the very smart people, like the scientists that create items to help our lives, the researchers that can help you find the info you need, and the IT, who can fix the off by one error i've been having. " +4632,2,How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body? Assmosis. +4633,1,Girl: Come over Guy: Im coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over +4634,0,Why does Jesus like Black Friday? Makes it easier to pay for our sins. Lotta BOGO deals out there. +4635,4,I just watched a program about beavers It was the best dam program I've ever seen +4636,1,Why do no planes fly to holland? Because they netherland there. +4637,0,"An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are in the pub, when three identical flies land simultaneously in their beers... The Englishman sees the fly struggling for life in his beer, pushes it away in disgust, and orders another. The Irishman sees the fly struggling for life in his beer, picks it out, flicks it away, says ""no need to waste a good beer!"" and carries on drinking. The Scotsman sees the fly struggling in his beer, picks it out, holds it over the glass and yells #SPIT IT OUT! I PAID FOR THAT YOU BASTARD!" +4638,1,"(NSFW) A Genie gives a man only one wish A man was walking along a beach one evening, when all of a sudden a Genie popped up in front of him. ""Hey mate how you doing?"" said the Genie. The man was speechless. ""Okay let's cut to the chase. You get one wish. None of this three wish bullshit. Only one. What do you want?"" The man thought for a good long while. ""I'd like to be really lucky"" he replied finally. ""Damn that's a good one. Haven't heard that before. Have fun."" The Genie replied, and with a click of his fingers, he was gone"" Astonished, the man wanted to go and test his luck. See if what he had just witness was real, or if he was turning mad. He walked into the nearest betting agency and started placing just stupid bets. To his surprise, he ended up £500 up. He thought he would try his luck again, and went to the Greyhound races. He put in all the money he earned hours previously, plus more. Once he left, he was £10,000 up. He thought to himself ""I've never had much luck with women."" so wondered over to the nearest whore house, which he was known to visit from time to time. As he entered the managers eyes lit up. ""You're never going to believe it"" the manager said while shaking him. ""What you've always wanted. She arrived this morning. Asian. 18 years old. Dead gorgeous. She's in the back room."" The man couldn't believe it, and slowly made his way to the back room. And there she was. Just minutes later the man may there exhausted. ""That was amazing!"" He said trying to catch his breath. ""But I must ask, why the Bindi?"" ""It's just for decoration really. You can take if off if you want."" She replied with a smile. The man reached towards her forehead and lightly scratched it off with his finger. ""Holy shit!"" He said. ""I've won a car!""" +4639,5,"While playing in the backyard, little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing it and angrily says, ""No honey for you for one month!"" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. ""That's it! No butter for you for one month!"" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps it dead. Johnny looks at his father and says, ""Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"" " +4640,0,I went to see my doctor about erectile dysfunction But I had to cancel something came up +4641,2,What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? A circus has many cunning stunts. +4642,1,"Earth went around the solar system asking the other planets for a stick of gum. They all refused, but Earth still got one; Pluto shares its Orbit." +4643,1,"What is the favorite romantic song of oysters? Me shell, my belle." +4644,3,What is the smallest body of water in the South? The gene pool. +4645,0,"So my drug dealer sold me a pair of shoes. I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm tripping." +4646,1,"Why did the man get kicked out of the ""Russian"" bar? Because he walked in. " +4647,2,What is the difference between Disneyland Paris and Disneyland Chernobyl The 6ft tall Mouse is real. +4648,1,My wife just accused me of never listening to anything she has to say \\- What a wierd start to a conversation anyway +4649,0,Did you hear about the egg that crossed the street? ...he was waiting to get laid +4650,0,Never vote for a tunnel-digging politician Because he's probably just another burrowcrat. +4651,4,What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV? Stay positive. +4652,0,"What did the dog say to the constipated cat? ""Have a break, have a shit-cat""" +4653,4,I just got glasses! 20/20 would recommend +4654,1,Life is like a box of chocolates... Most of it sucks. +4655,1,I'm damn good in bed... I can sleep for days +4656,0,"This girl I'm sleeping with served me with papers and demanded my signature... ...I said ""it's not my fault you got an F on your report card.""" +4657,1,"A charity campaigner came up to me recently and said ""Can I have a word about the homeless?"" I said ""Certainly, lazy."" Courtesy of Jimmy Carr" +4658,6,"Donald Trump, what's 2+2? I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me." +4659,1,What do you call a recently opened Indian meat store? The New Delhi +4660,0,"A father lends out his dirty car to his son... Next day, the son returns it to his dad. But the car looked particularly clean on the hood, almost if a lady has been lying there. The dad asks his son to next time clean the car, which on the son replies; ""oh mom used it.""" +4661,6,"A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, ""What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"" ""I give it to them,"" replied the lawyer, ""and then I send them a bill."" The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. " +4662,1,Why is ketchup married to mustard? Cause ketchup accidentally broke the condiment. +4663,1,I think the worst part about making your own porn movie is . . . . . .when the couple hear you in the cupboard +4664,0,how did joe smuggle a virus? he flu. +4665,2,"Me and my coworker was having sex, until we got caught... It really ruined the family buisness" +4666,1,how do graduate students fight? they fling theses at each other +4667,0,Do you know why 4 is afraid of 3? Because 384 +4668,2,What do they say for jokes about German sausages? They are the wurst. +4669,0,How long does a turkey last in the freezer? Because I put one in last night and now it's dead +4670,0,"A pink elephant walks into an auditorium rented to host the society of materialist philosophers Strolling in, the animal approached a convention organizer. ""Ah, you're here,"" the man said. ""Do you have your powerpoint?"" The pink elephant raised a USB stick and tooted his snout. ""Excellent,"" he replied, ticking off a box on his checklist. ""You're scheduled to go on at 10am. Refreshments are over there."" The man pointed at a table with muffins and coffee. ""That's a problem,"" replied the pink elephant. ""I only eat straw."" There was a pause and the man blinked. ""Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take another antipsychotic.""" +4671,5,I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid. +4672,1,This new fad about Battle Royale PC games... Give it 2 weeks. +4673,0,"If there is a god, why do chocolate look like poop? Guess he is just testing our faith" +4674,3,Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk? Because they lactose. +4675,1,I thought it would be hot to wake my girlfriend up with oral. But she woke up before I could even get her mouth open. +4676,4,"You've got a kitchen counter at home, right? ""Yes?"" ""How many kitchens do you have?!""" +4677,1,"A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds “Wife Wanted”. The next day, he received 1000 of replies, all reading: “You can have mine.” Free delivery also available at your door step" +4678,0,"Two blondes are at an ATM Two blondes are at an ATM. One types his PIN and starts depositing his checks. The guy behing him sayss, ""Ha ha! I know your password! It's ****!"" Then, the guy at the ATM stops, turn around, and says, ""Ha! You were wrong, it was 3856!""" +4679,3,Knock knock..Who's there?..Interrupting coefficient of friction.. The interrupting coeff--- MU! +4680,1,"Freighter carrying Viagra sinks in Lake Michigan Now instead of drooping limply into Illinois, the Greatest Lake now projects majestically into Wisconsin." +4681,1,excuse for being fat... They say the camera adds 10 pounds... Quit eating cameras damnit +4682,0,Did you hear about the guy that sold his poop for profit? he was so excited he flipped a shit +4683,0,"TED TALK Great when put in front of a uni, not so much when you put a uni in front of it." +4684,3,I once had a job crushing pop cans. It was soda pressing. +4685,0,Why did the prophecy giver have to get glasses? They were short sighted. They couldn't *farsee* the future. +4686,1,"Three men go into a bar They all start bragging about what kind of cars they have. The first man says, “I think I have the coolest car, because I am a horse racer and I have a Mustang.” The second man says “That’s cool, but mine is cooler. I’m an astronaut and I have a Mercury.” They both laugh and turn to the third man, who is oddly quiet. They ask him what kind of car he has. He says “I beat both of you. I’m a proctologist and I have a dirty old Probe.”" +4687,0,Jesus’ last words... “T.G.I.F.” +4688,6,"The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement. They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body. The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes and the top of his head. Six feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 720,000. The second asked to be measured between his outstretched hands and his toes. Eight feet. He walked outside with a check of $ 960,000. Meanwhile, the first general had been informed. And when asked the third general where they had to measure, he said: ""From the top of my penis to the bottom of my balls."" ""Good,"" said the man, ""but then I'll pick up a medical officer."" The medical officer ordered: ""Put your pants down!"" And the general did this. The officer placed the start of the ribbon gauge against the tip of his penis and began to work underneath. ""Jesus"", he said, ""where are your balls?"" ""In Vietnam"", the general replied. " +4689,2,Dog poo was thrown over my fence so I went and knocked on my neighbour's door. I wanted to see if I got him. +4690,0,What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling? You belong. +4691,1,Remember to wear your “New Year Glasses” backwards this year. Hindsight is 2020. +4692,1,How do you make someone holy? You beat the hell out of them. Happy Easter Guys :) +4693,3,"He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!! ""I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!" +4694,0,What are you doing on Valentines Day? I'm getting my hands massaged. +4695,4,"Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie? Me: It's pronounced ""quiche""" +4696,1,Ritalin and Adderall Market Research says they both tested well among focus groups. +4697,0,"My new thesaurus is horrible, but... It's also horrible. " +4698,2,What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar. +4699,0,"Why is capitalization important? Because it's the difference between ""Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse"" and ""helping your uncle jack off a horse"" " +4700,8,Why are Americans so stupid? Because it's only the ones who skip school who survive. +4701,4,"If your phone auto corrects ""fuck"" to ""duck,"" it's okay to keep it... It's still fowl language." +4702,5,"A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, ""How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"" He replied, ""That would be fine with me."" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye" +4703,0,What is the greatest threat to a test tube baby? A dingo with a straw +4704,0,What’s Paul McCartney’s favorite letter? Letter B +4705,3,"It's worth it One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too: So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, the guy begins to walk to town. After what feels like hours the guy stumbles upon an oasis in the middle of some dunes. At the center of this oasis is a lever with a snake on it. The man approaches the snake, curious but afraid at the same time. As he approaches the snake begins to speak to him: ""Hello friend, my name is Nate. I am the protector of this lever here. This lever is the most dangerous in the world. If you were to switch it you would destroy the world and life as we know it. I'm supposed to kill anyone who stumbles upon this place, but this is your lucky day. I have a proposition for you: Take my son with you back to the city, let him explore it with you, teach him the way of life and this world so that when the time comes that he needs to replace me he will understand what he is protecting. The man agrees and takes Nate's son back with him to the city. Every few months they both drive back to tell nate all that they have seen and explored until one day the man receives a message that Nate needs to see him and his son immediately; he is dying. So they get into the man's car and make haste to get to Nate before its too late. The man knows his way to the oasis now since they have been driving to and from it frequently. As he is cresting the final dune to get into the oasis the worst possible thing happens: the breaks go out on his car. As the car is racing down the dune at a high rate of speed the man looks up and notices that he is headed straight for the lever. But Nate isn't on the lever he is curled up a few feet to the side of the lever. The man is left with two choices: 1) Run over the lever and destroy the world and life as he knows it or 2) Run over Nate with his son in the car and ruin any chance that Nate has to pass on his duty to his son. The man didn't have much time to think but made a desicion: Better Nate, then lever. " +4706,1,What's the difference between an addict and an alcoholic? Alcoholic runs the red light and the addict sits through three greens. +4707,0,What is a vampires favourite Christmas song? Jugular bells I’m so sorry. +4708,0,What does an old couple and a melon have in common? They both cantaloupe +4709,0,"What do you call a cat that can do magic? Professor McGonagall, of course. Only Dumbledore gets to call her Minerva." +4710,0,"Game of Sea Chicken While traversing the dark ocean at night, the captain of a Navy aircraft carrier sees a light straight ahead on a collision course with his ship. Not able to reach anyone by radio, he sends a Morse code message with his lights: ""Warning! Change your course by 12 degrees west."" After a short pause, the light signals back, ""No. Change your course by 12 degrees east."" Annoyed, the captain replies, ""This is Carrier Strike Group 13; I order you to change your course!"" ""Change yours"", came the quick response. Fuming now, the captain signals: ""Change your course now!! I'm evoking maritime law, which states that we have the right of way! If you don't change course immediately, prepare to be destroyed!"" After a long pause, the captain receives one final message: ""Uh, don't do that. I'm in a lighthouse."" " +4711,0,I don't set milestones because I follow metric system +4712,0,[OC] What did the fabric say to the sewing machine? You seam to keep things together around here. +4713,0,Pretty upset with our sonographer today... They assumed our baby's gender. +4714,1,Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up. +4715,0,"It usually works when flirting, stare on their eyes. P.S. Don't forget to blink" +4716,0,"Did you hear about the agnostic... Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He lays in bed, awake at night, wondering if there really is a dog!." +4717,0,What do you call an asian golddigger? Cha Ching +4718,1,"You haven’t heard of Adele?!?! Like, Hello?!" +4719,3,"It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins... One pirate says, ""how about ARRRbys!"", many pirates nod in agreement. Another pirate says, ""how about ARRRkansas"", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion. A third pirate says, ""how about Boston!"", a confused murmur spreads across the room, ""stay with me here"" says the pirate, ""so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!""" +4720,4,My friend just offered to buy me a coffin i told him that's the last thing i'll need +4721,0,Why did the near-sighted city-dweller fall about 30 feet when he visited a farm? He couldn't see that well. (I waited 26 minutes to repost. Is that a Reddit record for holding off?) +4722,0,Cop 1: What are you doing underneath the fence? Cop 2: I’m an undercover cop. +4723,1,"the limerick contest An altar boy is sent up to the priest's office. Priest: Now, I've heard you participated in a competition. Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true. Priest: And I heard, this was a competition in the art of writing limericks. Altar Boy: Yes father, that is true. Priest: And I heard, that the one who wrote the dirtiest, filthiest, most unholy limerick would win the competition. Altar Boy: Yes father, that is also true. Priest: And I heard you won this competition. Altar Boy: Yes father, that is unfortunately also true. The priest lets out a deep sigh. Priest: Now, I would like to hear this limerick, so that I know how to give you the forgiveness of our holy father. Altar Boy: Oh, please father, I cannot utter those words in front of thy holiness, it's much too shameful! Priest: It is all right, my son, I've heard a fair bit in confession in my days here. Altar Boy: But father, it's so very, very bad. Priest: Well, if you censor out the dirtiest bits, I'm pretty sure I'll get the gist. Altar Boy: Okay, then it would go something like: Da dada dadada da da, Da dada dadada da da! Da dada da da; Da dada da da. And they fucked in a river of shit. " +4724,2,What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I’ve never paid $200 to have a lentil in my mouth +4725,1,"I like my women how I like my steak. Small, pink, and tan on the outside. " +4726,0,I had a dream last night that I murdered someone and the police found the body. But that would never happen It’s too well hidden +4727,0,What does all gods have in common? Halo 😇😇😇 +4728,0,The world’s most accurate weather forecast can now be found in the palm of your hand! Just hold out your hand. It’ll never lie! +4729,2,What do Chinese men do when they have an erection? They vote. +4730,1,What do you call a serial killer that killed everyone at a frat house? What do you call a serial killer that killed everyone at a frat house? The life of the party. +4731,0,Religion That's the joke +4732,1,Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I. Only a few came out +4733,0,The Pine-apple Pen meme is so Dead... It's more dead than Harambe. +4734,0,What does a spice scream before it orgasms? I'm cumin. +4735,0,"A man and his wife A man and his wife are married for several years, they have three young kids all under the age of ten. The man always makes a point to keep the light off while they're in bed, but one day the wife notices the man is using a Dildo. She screams at him ""What's with the dildo you prick"" he responded "" I've been using the dildo for 12 years, explain the three kids!"" " +4736,3,What does a hornytoad say? Rubbit +4737,1,"A dog walks into a Western Union office, and says he would like to send a telegram. The lady behind the counter grabs a pencil and paper and asks what would he like to say. The dog says ""I want to send this message. Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof"". The lady writes it down and says, ""there are eight woofs here, you know for the same price you can send two more woofs"". The dog says, ""that message makes no sense"". " +4738,1,“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau Masturbation +4739,1,"A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns But then he forgot, Toucan play that game " +4740,0,"THE BOSS One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''" +4741,2,"The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend I said to her, ""Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy."" She said, ""Why did you say that twice?"" I said, ""I didn't.""" +4742,0,"A man and his wife have a kid... A man and his wife have a kid and he is the smartest kid you have ever met. By the age of 3 he was reading full newspaper articles and chapter books most kids don't read until middle school and his dad was the proudest dad in the world and wanted to make sure his son knew it. He went up to his son and said, ""Son, I could never be more proud of you. I am going to go out and get you a present and it can be anything you want."" The son sat there for a second thinking and said, ""Dad, I really want a pink ping pong ball."" The dad was rather confused by this but decided to go get his son the ball anyways. As he was in line to check out with the ball he thought to himself, ""Nah he doesn't actually want a stupid ping pong ball"" so he went and got him an R/C car instead. The son was the happiest kid in the world and was so excited to get his new toy and gave his dad the biggest hug he could and the dad sat there smiling. A couple years later when the son took standardized tests in elementary school he got a perfect score on every exam and his dad was the proudest dad in the world and wanted to make sure his son knew it. He went up to his son and said, ""Son, I could never be more proud of you. I am going to go out and get you a present and it can be anything you want."" The son sat there for a second thinking and said, ""Dad, I really want a pink ping pong ball."" The dad was still confused about his sons request but agreed and left to get the son his ball. As he was about to check out with the ping pong ball he thought to himself, ""Nah my son doesn't really want this"" and went back and got him a brand new Xbox. When he got home and gave the present to his son the son was ecstatic and jumped up and down and gave his dad the biggest hug he could and the dad sat there with a smile on his face. Fast forward a couple years and the son is now graduating high school. Top of his class, full ride to whatever school he wanted (Yale for anyone who cares about that detail), graduated with just about every honor you could think of and his dad was the proudest dad in the world and wanted to make sure his son knew it. He went up to his son and said, ""Son, I could never be more proud of you. I am going to go out and get you a present and it can be anything you want."" The son sat there for a second thinking and said, ""Dad, I really want a pink ping pong ball."" The dad was yet again confused by his son's odd request but agreed to get the ball. On his way to the store the dad passed by a motorcycle dealership and thought to himself, ""Nah my son really doesn't that stupid ping pong ball when he can have a brand new motorcycle."" And so the dad bought the new bike for his son and the son was the happiest son in the world and gave his dad the biggest hug he could before hopping on the bike. The dad sat there with a smile on his face as he watched his son drive off. A couple weeks later, the mom and dad are sitting at the table eating lunch when they receive a troubling phone call. As they heard the call both of their faces started to turn pale, the son was in a terrible crash and was not expected to live through the rest of the day. The two rushed down to the hospital as soon as they could and they hurried to their son's room. When they got there they were happy to see the son was still conscious. The parents rushed to either side of the bed and the dad took his son's hand and looked him in the face and said, ""Son, you have been the best child that anyone could ever ask for and I could never be more proud of you."" The son smiled and said, ""Thanks dad."" ""I do have one question for you though."" The son looked up at his old man and said, ""Anything for you Dad."" ""Why did you always want that pink ping pong ball?"" The son smiled and said, ""Well I always wanted it bec-"" Then he died. " +4743,0,What did Google call it's new AI sex bot? Alphakennybody +4744,2,"I need help guys, I was driking last night. We had five beers, some vodka, rum and ended it with whiskey. I was totally drunk, so I decided to leave my car there and take a bus. From the bus I saw the police stopping cars and I was so glad I was in a bus. Then I came home. There is the problem: I have a bus in front of my house and I don't know what to do with it. Please help." +4745,0,Nice to see that the New Years pole... wasn't the only thing to drop the ball tonight +4746,2,I have really bad memory I'm never buying computer parts from Walmart again +4747,0,I hate bipolar people There cold sweaty meaty hands touch my ass +4748,0,"People who perform circumcisions as a job chose their career well. Their staff discount is good: 10% off. And if that's not good enough, they get a lot of tips too." +4749,1,"Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers. And I only pee if something startles me." +4750,1,How do you call it when someone uses someone else's work to gain attention? Re-edit. +4751,8,"My wife told me: ""Sex is better on holiday."" That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive." +4752,1,I asked a German girl if she was afraid of any numbers She said 9 +4753,0,Let's make a suicide pact! said the necrophiliac. +4754,0,What do you call a dirty stoner cactus with a cane? Mescaline +4755,2,"How do you like your steak? Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is." +4756,0,What happens when 2 gay guy turn on the vacuum cleaner? Sucktion +4757,0,"What did one criminal say to the other criminal on the forth of July when they were destroying a house? “Eh, fire works”" +4758,0,Eeeyy You Dirty Mind A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin and say that i will do anything to pass in the exams and professor says NOW OPEN YOUR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Books And Study +4759,2,"What do politicians and diapers have in common? They both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason." +4760,0,Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter? He excelled in throne weapons +4761,0,Oc joke: 'Going green' 'Going green' on weed should be called overtoking +4762,2,"What did the Adenine say to the Thymine? ""Uracilly guy!""" +4763,2,Buzz Killington Do you know why W.S Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? Because he was a quartered on the portside! +4764,0,How do you tell a tree to get over it? Put it behind yew. +4765,0,"Arthritis I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home. He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, we get him in and setlled and sure enough, he meets Barb. A sweetie about 94, single and ready to mingle. A few dates and they hit it off and decide its time to get romantic, they go back to her place and things get hot and heavy. He decides he's going to show her what tongue talents he's got, and dribbles off her pants and heads south, but the smell is unbearable, and the taste is just horrific. He tries to keep going, but it's just so bad he has to quit. As he comes up he tells her ""baby, im sorry, I want to keep going, but I think something might be wrong down there, it's pretty bad. Are you sick or something?"" Barb's just mortified about it, and replies ""oh no, I'm so sorry, that's my arthritis."" Confused, he thinks about it and says ""arthritis? You've got arthritis in your pussy?"" ""no, it's in my elbow, but it makes it hard to wipe."" she replies. " +4766,0,What did the Ottoman Sultan do when he got home from campaigning? He got his dick out for his Haram bae's. +4767,4,What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people. +4768,1,I tried to catch some fog yesterday But I mist +4769,8,"Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice... He goes to the doctor and says, ""Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."" The doctor says, ""Well, is it too warm?"" ""Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"" ""Then get an air conditioner"" ""I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"" ""Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?"" ""Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank"" ""Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."" So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, ""Well this isn't working, let's swap."" So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes ""Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"" Danny shouts, triumphantly, ""You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!""" +4770,1,What do you call a circumcised elephant? Truncated +4771,7,"I used to really enjoy political jokes... Unfortunately, too many of them got elected." +4772,3,"A few hundred years ago, Mozart was composing beautiful music But for a while now, hes only been de-composing." +4773,1,You wanna know how I know fireworks are an American invention? Only America would create giant explosions for no reason. +4774,0,A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! +4775,1,"A man walks into the IRS office A man walks into the IRS office. The person at the desk asks ""Sir, why are these charges on your account irregular?"" ""That's easy, I make a lotta bets."" ""Oh, really?"" ""Yeah, I bet you 5,000 dollars that I can bite my eyeball."" The man pauses and looks at him questioning every word. ""Okay, go ahead."" The man takes out his glass eyeball and bites down on it. ""Okay, I'm a fair man I'll let you double your money."" The other man looks at him and says ""I can bite my other eyeball, as well."" The man thinks for a second, knowing he had to get his money back, he accepted. The man takes his dentures and bite down on his eye. The man just looks at him. ""I'll give you one more chance for 15,000 dollars."" The man thinks for a second then says ""I bet I can urinate in that bin without missing one drop. The man accepts, and the other man urinates all over the man's desk. The other man was pleased, as he would get his money back. The man asks why he did that and he says ""Because I bet my lawyer I could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it." +4776,0,"Donald Trump to resign as US President This is huge, considering the significance of today's date." +4777,0,"IAmA I'm John Hanke, CEO of Niantic (Pokemon Go), ask me anything! That's the joke." +4778,5,How did Jared the subway guy begin and end his career? By trying to get into smaller pants. +4779,0,"Belorussian Navy Gorbachev received a letter from the Belorussian Republic requesting approval for a new navy. He was quite puzzled, as the Republic was landlocked and didn't even have a decent lake, and queried the request. The reply soon came, ""Uzbekistan has a Ministry of Culture, so why do we have a Navy?" +4780,0,"Two men are out hunting when one goes to take a leak. As he pees a snake springs from the bushes and sinks it's teeth into the man's tool. Hearing his screams, the friend runs to him and sees his tool beginning to swell badly. ""What do I do?!"" He asks the yelling man. ""I don't know! Call a doctor."" The friend pulls out his phone, calls a doctor and asks him what he needs to do. ""You need to suck the venom. Quickly!"" The doctor says before hanging up. The friend puts his phone away as he slowly turns to his bitten companion. ""Well, what do we do?"" asks the man with his pecker swelling and turning blue. The friend looks sad as he responds, ""Sorry. You're going to die.""" +4781,0,What car does a bacteria drive? A Ford Coccus +4782,0,What did the coat say to his girlfriend Jacket +4783,0,What did FIFA 2018 taught us? Germany always looses in Russia +4784,0,What do you call a psychic midget who's escaped from prison? A small medium at large. +4785,3,"What kind of bees make milk, not honey? Boobies From my college buddies son. He followed it up with, ""I don't get it"" which I found better " +4786,1,Why was the programer killed by a snake? He underestimated the speed of the python. +4787,1,"The Pope. A guy meets a Cardinal after converting and asks if he can meet the pope. The Cardinal tells him that it takes a lot to earn a meeting with the pope, so the man donates 50 thousand dollars to the church and is granted his wish. The pope starts to make his way down the line of people who wanted to meet him, shaking each persons hand. The guy notices farther up the line that when the pope got to a homeless man in tattered clothes, he touched his arm and leaned in close. The guy saw an opportunity and approached the homeless man, offering to switch clothes with him. He goes back to his spot rubbing dirt on his face and looking as pathetic as possible. The pope finally reaches him, leans in close and says, ""I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here.""" +4788,5,I hate when bacteria gets into me without me knowing It makes me sick! +4789,4,I tripped over a bra today I guess it was a booby trap +4790,3,What would MLK do if he were alive today? Scream and claw at the top of his coffin. +4791,0,"I asked my friend to write a horror story, this is what he came up with The streets were filled with darkness, the roadside lamps were dim and the night was silent. The full moon shined but it was not strong enough to reach the dark alleyways. It was midnight and I was walking alone on the empty footpath. There was no one else around; no people, no cars, no animals. Just me and the darkness. That’s when I heard a sound. I turned around. Nothing. I kept on walking but heard it again. I turned around. Again, Nothing. I couldn’t help but keep looking behind. It was as if some mysterious entity was following me. I turned back to keep walking again, when I suddenly saw it...a black man. Oh shit" +4792,0,"Ansectry DNA for dogs They have Ancestry DNA for dogs now. So, I swabbed the inside of my dog's cheeck and sent it off, but I think it's a scam. The results came back, they said that my dog was: 25% Irish,25% English, and50% Sneaky Neighbor's dog. But the real reason I am pretty sure it's a scam is because my dog, my dog is a cat. \\[edit: typo in the title, saw it after the post\\]" +4793,2,I can't place iron objects next to each other... I'm allergic to Fe lines. +4794,0,I'm not surprised nobody has heard of the terrorist hairdressers? They're a fringe group. +4795,0,"A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, ""Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"" ""Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"" ""Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"" " +4796,1,"What did the Jewish paedophile say to the kids? Hey kids, want to buy some candy?" +4797,1,I have a great HIPAA joke... But I can't tell you +4798,1,What do you call a tank rolling through the streets of poland? Ghetto Blaster +4799,0,Dentist: “This will hurt a little....” Patient: “OK” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now” +4800,3,"One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. ""Well,"" says Bubba, ""every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, ""Bubba? Is that you?""" +4801,0,Some dickhead stole Norman Osbourne's gear They call him the Knob Goblin +4802,4,"Soap Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. ""Oh look"" says the first nun, ""it's a soap dispenser"". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells ""Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!""" +4803,0,"A man had a disease and had to go to the hospital. Once telling the doctor about what he had, he asked ""How much more time do I have?"" The doctor simply replied ""10."" Confused, the patient asked ""10 what?"" He slowly felt weaker as the doctor said ""9. 8. 7. 6."" " +4804,0,"A Saudi oil sheik returns from vacation He tells his friends. ""It rained for three weeks straight! Best vacation ever, you gotta try it!""" +4805,0,"Women are like vending machines... ... give them a little money, push the right buttons, and you'll get whatever you want. " +4806,2,"I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it." +4807,0,A chinese mountain climber had a birthday. You should have seen his face when everyone at the base camp yelled: ”Supplies!” +4808,5,"In a hotel a mathematician, physicist and an engineer... ... are sleeping when a fire breaks out. The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again. But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again. But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again." +4809,1,An astronaut is having a panic attack on the ISS The gravity of the situation was too little for him. ​ ​ +4810,0,Left-brained thinkers mainly think in words using logic and facts. Am I right? +4811,0,How do you fuck up? Lay on your back. +4812,1,"I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, ""Do you keep stationary?"" Left me red faced when she replied, ""Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit""" +4813,0,What do you call someone who’s amazing at baiting A Master-baiter +4814,0,What do you call a work space that hip hop artists work in Inside a Ice Cubicle +4815,0,"If you're american when you enter the toilet and american when you leave the toilet, what are you when you're in the toilet? Euro-pee-an." +4816,0,"I had a discussion with Dr. Ruth the other day. . . She told me, ""It has been proven that 0% of women enjoy blowjobs."" I was incredulous and told her so. She said, ""It's true due to one simple fact. Women don't have penises.""" +4817,4,Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd. +4818,1,"A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. “That won’t help you, Joe, you know?” “Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!” " +4819,0,What slang did the pirates use against the “slow” pirate? He’s an Arrrr-tard! +4820,0,"My teacher said ""We are what we eat."" I immediately turned to my friend and said: -Oh you're not a virgin anymore?" +4821,5,I've set up a company to rid people of vampires. I'm the main stakeholder. +4822,1,"I like my coffee how I like my women Nonexistent, because I don’t drink coffee and I’ll never get a girlfriend" +4823,2,If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless Just remember that someone out there is fitting indicators on BMWs +4824,2,People who can’t accept the fact that they are in Africa’s biggest river are in de nile +4825,1,"I used to have a friend named Frank... Until one day I asked him: ""Can I be Frank with you?"" Now I no longer have a friend named Frank." +4826,1,What do you call the act of a bird masturbating? A flap fap. +4827,0,What did Harry Potter say after he fell down the stairs? Ahh! I hurt my-a knee. (her-mi-o-ne) +4828,5,When you mom calls you by to ur full name Mom : (a^2 + 2ab + b^2 ) (a+b)^2 : fuck... +4829,2,"A man hires a $10 hooker and gets crabs... He goes back with the hooker and complaints , she says ""what were you expecting for 10 bucks? Lobster?""" +4830,0,"Three China-men move to the US Bu, Chu and Fu decide to move to the US for a better life. To integrate themselves a bit better they decide to change their names to more American sounding names: Bu decides to change his name to Buck, Chu decides to change his name to Chuck and Fu... well Fu just went back to China." +4831,2,"A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long] A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him: ""How much is this hair dryer?"" The cashier replies: ""This is not for sale"". The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next day she comes back, picks up the same item (which she really wants) and goes to the same only cashier. Blonde girl: ""How much is this hair dryer?"" The cashier replies : ""You are the same girl as yesterday, this is not for sale"" Blonde girl leaves huffing and puffing. She insists that she gets that item, so she buys a wig, dyes her hair red, puts on makeup, and comes to the same shop in a week. The girl finds the item, and while in complete disguise, approaches the cashier and asks: ""How much is this hair dryer?"" The Cashier replies: ""You are the same girl from last week, this is not for sale"". The blonde girl finally explodes in anger and shouts at the cashier: "" How did you know it was me?"" The cashier replies : ""Well, that is easy. This is not a hair dryer, It is a power drill! """ +4832,1,"3 hunters 3 hunters go out one day to hunt. 1 hunter is smart, while 1 is average, and the last is stupid. When the smart hunter goes out he comes back with a bear and when he was asked how he caught it he said 'I followed some tracks an caught myself a bear!' So the average hunter goes out and comes back with a deer. When asked how he did it he said 'well I followed some tracks an caught myself a deer!' So finally the stupid hunter goes out and he comes back all bloody and beaten up. When asked what happened he said 'Well I followed some tracks and I got hit by a train..' " +4833,0,I was at the church when some dude lighted up a cigarette. I was so shocked that I almost spilled my beer. +4834,0,**NSFW** Whats the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies ? You can't unload the sand with a pitchfork +4835,1,Why can't you haggle when getting your tire patched up? Because it's a FLAT rate +4836,0,"Why did Trump wear a condom? Cause you never go into the ""Eye of a storm"" without protection." +4837,0,Two peanuts walking down the road One was assalted +4838,1,"How well did the sailor do in school? Not bad actually, he got high 'C's." +4839,0,How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. +4840,9,"Two goldfish are sitting in a tank... One goldfish looks at the other and says: ""Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?""" +4841,1,A man walking home at night comes across a drunk fumbling around under a street light. Man: What's going on? Drunk: I'm looking for my keys. Man: Did they fall out of your pocket? Drunk: I don't know but this is where the light is. +4842,0,What do you call a grumpy German soldier? A sauerkraut! +4843,0,I'm so forgetful... ...id lose my keys if they weren't in my pocket +4844,1,"At the movies last night, saw somebody get into an altercation with the guy working the popcorn machine. Dude ended up getting charged for a salt and buttery." +4845,0,The ending of Ganes of thrones +4846,5,"Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I'm just glad I live in Canada." +4847,4,"A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend. The leader stands on a stage and says, ""Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"" A blonde steps onto the stage. ""What is ten divided by two?"" The volunteer replies, ""Two."" The leader is dismayed but the crowd cheers,""Another chance!"" A second volunteer is called up. Once again she asks the question and the blonde replies,""T-ten?"" The crowd shouts,""Another chance!"" The third volunteer is called up. After three minutes of thought, she correctly replies,""Five."" The crowd shouts,""Another chance!""" +4848,2,Do you know why ants are so healthy? Because they have little antibodies... +4849,0,What kind of team of doctors performs abortions in Brooklyn? The Crimefighting Team +4850,0,"[Long] A merman named Mike is working as a bodyguard for some celebrity's huge undersea party. He is informed that there is some merman here plotting to kill the celebrity, and watches everybody with suspicion. Soon, he is allowed a break while another bodyguard fills in, and on this break he meets a beautiful mermaid. ""Hello."" she says rather shyly. ""Enjoying the party?"" ""I suppose,"" Mike says. ""I don't get to enjoy much of it as a bodyguard though."" ""Well that's fine. Maybe we could chat for a while until your break's over."" And so they did. It was a fairly long conversation, and they kept talking and talking about a lot of stuff until the mermaid said she had to go. After giving Mike her number, she swims out of the door in a hurry. Mike's break is over soon after that, and he returns only to find the celebrity dead, the bodyguard dead, and the beautiful mermaid standing over them with a pistol. She aims the pistol at Mike. ""Just one last thing before I die- why?"" asks Mike. ""I heard it was a *merman* plotting to assassinate the celebrity."" ""And you heard right."" the mermaid said with a laugh. She tore off her wig, lowered her voice, and cackled once more. ""It was all a disguise."" said the merman assassin. I guess that assassin wasn't all he was *maid* up to be. " +4851,0,If you can't go forward... Its a T-junction. +4852,6,My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.' What the make love is she talking about? +4853,0,What do you call a zombie cuddly bear? Infect-ted +4854,0,"What's the difference between a Canadian and an Italian? Where the ""eh"" is in the sentence. Canadian: ""How you doin, eh?"" Italian: ""Eh! How you doin?""" +4855,0,"A kid tells his mom about a video game The kid says to his mom about a game, and he’s on the final level, level 666. The mom gets angry and says “Isn’t that the devil’s number? Quit the game now!” So the son says “I guess it was *FATE* that brought us to this point”" +4856,5,How many bones are there in a hand? About a handful +4857,0,Did you know BMW's don't have turn signals? That's how they make them so affordable. +4858,1,Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes. +4859,2,What is a pirate's least favorite letter? One from their ISP stating their internet has been shut off for illegal downloading. +4860,1,What is the plural name for a Calzone? Calztwo. +4861,0,"What's cheaper, Beer Nuts or Deer Nuts? Deer Nuts. Beer Nuts are $1.49, while Deer nuts are under a Buck!" +4862,4,What superpower do babysitters have? Supervision. +4863,7,I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.... but apparently it just changes the color of the baby. +4864,0,I can pop a wheelie on anything I just need me a sharp stickie +4865,0,I went to see Rogue One the day Carrie Fisher died I think I'm going to go watch The Apprentice +4866,0,Donald Trump figured out how to get Mexico to pay for the border wall. He promised monthly diplomatic visits to Mexico by motorcade. +4867,5,Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off. +4868,0,A man takes a skeleton as his bride She wasn't good in bed though. It was always doot-y sex +4869,2,I HATE THE SECOND LETTER OF THE ALPHABET SO MUCH THAT I AM PROTESTING!! Say it with me! BOOOOOOO Bs! BOOOOOOO Bs! BOOOOOOO Bs! +4870,1,"Boy, do I hate nose jokes! Good thing this is *snot* one" +4871,1,"Protest in Saudi Arabia A Saudi cleric has declared that a popular beach is off-limits to Muslims because women swimming, even in face-covering burkinis, is un-Islamic. A movement of Saudi men is protesting by going naked in public, drawing attention to the sexist clothing laws in the Kingdom. These men have all got their dicks out for Haram Bay." +4872,6,The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised. +4873,2,Describe yourself in three words. Lazy. +4874,4,"A Priest and a Rabbi Go Golfing... A Priest and a Rabbi go golfing. On the first hole, the Rabbi swings and misses, yelling, ""Goddammit, I missed!"" The Priest chastises him in response, telling him ""Don't say that, or else God will strike you down."" They go to the next hole, and the same thing happens. The Rabbi yells ""Goddammit, I missed!"" And the Priest tells him again, ""You shouldn't say that or else God will strike you down."" They make it all the way to the 18th hole without incident... until the Rabbi swings and misses, his club flies from his fingers. He yells at the top of his lungs ""Goddammit, I missed!"" and the Priest is struck by lightning. God yells ""Goddammit, I missed!""" +4875,2,Say what you will about genetically modified animals At least were should get CRISPR bacon! +4876,0,Einstein and Hitler Teacher: You! Stupid at your age Einstein revealed Space & Time Relativity. Student: At your age Hitler Committed suicide what about you sir ? +4877,3,I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you. They're twisted people. +4878,3,How come pencils are unable to have children? It's because they have a rubber at the end. [heard this from a friend who heard it from a 90 year old man] +4879,1,"If you shoot a gun, does that kill it?" +4880,1,"What was your best investment? My wife Edit: Okay, she's gone now. It's actually my car." +4881,2,You matter Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy. +4882,1,"A blonde's house is on fire... so she calls 911 on her cell. Blonde:""Come quick my house is on fire!"" 911 op: ""Ma'am I don't see you address coming up how do we get there?"" Blonde: ""Well duh, a big red truck!""" +4883,1,What's that famous hand made Italian cheese? Palmesan. +4884,1,Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? She caused frequent blue-screens and IRQ time-out errors. +4885,5,A car Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car. +4886,2,Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them +4887,3,How do you count cows? With a cowculator. +4888,0,whats the difference between a bench and a black male? a bench can support a family....... +4889,0,"4 doctors from a hospital are having a meeting about a certain ICU Doctor 1: I don't know if you fellas noticed, but we've been losing a lot of patients in that room. Doctor 2: I've noticed that too, and is always at 10am. Doctor 3: Yes, what's up with that? I lost three people who had very good chances of recovery, alwalys at 10am. Doctor 4: I have a patient there right now, and is almost 10am, how about we stay in the room to see what's happening? So the 4 doctors go to the ICU and wait until the clock hits 10am. When it does, Joe the janitor enters the room, drag his vacuum cleaner and unplugs the life support system to power the thing. Without believing their own eyes, the doctors watch as Joe meticulously vacuums the room, until one of the doctors snaps out and unplug the vacuum, plug the life support and save the patients lives. -Hey, - said Joe - what's up with that, doc? -Are you *nuts*? What about the patients? -What? You expect me to vacuum them *before* they're cremated? Ps.: credits for u/sputnikthedragon for setting the scenario and allowing it to be changed. Hope I managed to improve it" +4890,0,What do you call a hatred for large plants? Bigotree +4891,0,"A conversation between 3 partially deaf elderly men. Elder 1: It's windy! Elder 2: No, it's thursday! Elder 3: Right, let's all get a cuppa tea shall we?" +4892,1,"So what are you doing today?? ""So what are you doing today?"" - ""Nothing."" - ""What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"" - ""That's right, and I'm not finished yet."" " +4893,4,[offensive] Why didn't Hitler become an artist? Because he hated mixing colors... +4894,0,"Little Johnny asks his naughty grandpa ""Why does Santa have a big sack?""'. Without taking his eyes off the paper he reading, he replies, "" That's because he comes once a year""" +4895,2,Why don't vegetarians moan during sex? Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy. +4896,2,"An American and a Russian are arguing about who's country is better The American says, ""See in America you can walk into the president's oval office, pound his desk and say, Mr.President I don't like the way you're running your country."" The Russian says, ""Well, I can do that."" The American questions, ""You can?"" The Russian explains, ""Yes, I can walk into the president's office, pound his desk and say, Sir I don't like the way the American president is running his country.""" +4897,1,You never heard the Ephemeral joke? Oh well. It was funny while it lasted. +4898,5,"What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080p Edit: Although 4k would make more sense, it doesn't flow as well as 1080p. I could make it 1440p but 1080p is just more recognizable. " +4899,0,"A clerk at the unemployment office meets a plumber. ""Where did you previously work?"" the clerk asks. ""At Google"" the plumber replies. ""How did you lose your job?"" the clerk asks. ""I went to Google HQ to fix a leak. Upon inspection, I found that half the pipes had corroded. I said *Hey, half your system needs to be replaced.* They fired me the next day.""" +4900,2,"What is the best thing about Switzerland? I'm not too sure, but the flag is a big plus" +4901,1,"What do Peter Pan, and Unvaccinated Children have in common? They never get old." +4902,3,What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The Wheelchair +4903,0,What's a shitzu? A zoo with no animals. +4904,0,Man got stuck in a tree.. His cat called the fire department and ended up getting a reward (treat) +4905,2,"Wife : I have to tell you something. Husband : Yes? Wife : I am pregnant. Husband : Hi pregnant, I am dad. Wife : No you're not." +4906,1,Bonsai trees are horticultural appropriation. +4907,2,What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre +4908,1,I quit drinking cold turkey. I prefer it warm and in solid form. +4909,0,The problem with waiting for closing to see who's left in the bar is that it's always the Lee sisters: Ug and home +4910,5,Friends are a lot like trees They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe. +4911,5,"Dad joke Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not." +4912,3,I don’t understand this recent trend where everyone seems to be obsessed with protein. I’m way more into amateur teen. +4913,4,"A Japanese doctor opens a clinic A Japanese Doctor, can't find a job in a hospital in the US so he decided to open his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $50 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box No.666 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."" Lawyer: ""Ugh. this is kerosene."" Doctor: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $50."" The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: ""I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."" Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no.666 and put 3 drops in his mouth."" Lawyer (annoyed): ""This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."" Doctor: ""Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $50."" The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: ""My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."" Doctor: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."" Lawyer (staring at the note): ""But this is $50, not $100!!"" Doctor: ""Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $50""" +4914,1,What do you call a racist with a fat ass? thikkk +4915,2,"Kid: Dad I can't sleep **Dad:** Why not? **Kid:** There's a monster under my bed. **Dad:** *[looks under bed]* OMG yes! **Kid:** Well, I drank the whole can." +4916,5,"Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, ""At last, they're finally together."" Her sister sitting in the front row said, ""Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"" The priest replied, ""I mean her legs."" - " +4917,0,My friend got chlamydia from her ex-boyfriend after they broke up It was a dick move on his part +4918,2,A man walks into a psychiatrists with a pair of clingfilm underwear. Psychiatrist: I can clearly see you're nuts. +4919,0,What's the best thing to engrave on a stethoscope as a gift? From my heart to your ears. +4920,1,"Hunter's Joke Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?” " +4921,2,Why Do Nurses Carry Red Pens? So they can draw blood. +4922,2,"Ken: Hey, can I borrow 100$? Ryu: Shoryuken. " +4923,0,I've always been told I shouldn't assume... Because it makes an ass out of u and me. +4924,3,Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 they would be chicken sedans +4925,1,How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly +4926,2,"Job Security After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. ""How much will it cost?"" asked Joe. ""About $5,500,"" said the owner. ""What a relief!"" exclaimed Joe. ""I've finally got job security!""" +4927,2,Why did people not like the new Undertale graphic novel? It was Comic Sans. +4928,0,What do you call a pirate without an ear? Pit. +4929,0,"I bought a new dictionary the other day but it didn't have the word ""blurry."" Obviously, it lacks definition." +4930,1,What's the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist? The vest actually does something when it's triggered. +4931,2,"What do you call the ""terrible twos"" in unvaccinated children? A midlife crisis." +4932,1,Catholics are weird. They're pretty un-Orthodox. +4933,2,What do you call a bee that falls down a hill? A stumble bee. +4934,1,"What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes? A pilot, you racist. " +4935,1,Why do hippies like didgeridoos? It’s the closest they can get to giving a tree a blowjob. +4936,1,Leave Apple alone! All they wanted to do was jack off. +4937,0,What's better than sex with all the lights off? Sex that isn't with your dad. +4938,0,"A blonde goes into a commercial store looking for a TV She points at the one she wants. The salesman says, ""We don't serve blondes here"". The blonde offended decides to go home and dye all her hair to a brunette. She returns to the store asking again for the product she wanted. The salesman said, ""We don't sell our product to blondes"". The blonde aghast asked him, ""How did you know I was a blonde? I dyed my hair and all."" The salesman smirked, ""The TV you wish to buy, ma'am. It is a microwave.""" +4939,4,What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?.. Mumbai +4940,0,"Why didn't the Middle Eastern man go to jail? Because hijab his wife, but nobody cared." +4941,0,Who did the ghost-boy write to during his trip to ghost-summercamp? There is no afterlife. +4942,2,What do you call a doctor who is always on call? Oncallogist +4943,0,"So a Russian man walks into a bar.. A Russian man walks into a Ukrainian bar with a half full bottle of vodka. The bouncer stops him and shouts: ""Putin it down!!""" +4944,0,"A girl goes to her mom and says... A girl goes to her mom and says, ""When I grow up, I want to be a feminist!"" The girl's mother turns to her and replies: ""Well, you better choose one because you can't have both."" " +4945,1,I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time. And he didn’t even perform well! +4946,1,"I left my iPhone 7 in my car seat When I came back, the car window was broken. Someone had left another iPhone 7 in my car. So not fair!" +4947,4,"Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas. After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, ""Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?"" ""I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth,"" the bartender explains. ""The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."" " +4948,0,What do you call a pop star that marries Rowan Atkinson? Avril Labean +4949,0,Im reallly trying to sell my house..... ..... But the market is under water in Houston. I know. Too early. Be gentle. +4950,0,"My Wife left me today, just like my dad. Like father, like daughter." +4951,3,"You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk.. ​ I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk. A carton of eggs. A quart of orange juice. A head of lettuce. A 2 lb. can of coffee. A 1 lb. package of bacon. As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'" +4952,0,"My Australian friend is so stupid. I was talking to him on the phone when it started to rain. I told him that it was raining outside and he said that where he was, the sun was shining outside. I checked the forecast and it was raining in the whole country. So...either he is a liar or a retard! (Made this up at night when trying to sleep.) (Comment so I can improve my jokes.)" +4953,1,Why is the table always stoic? Because there was no chair attached. +4954,0,Today is the anniversary of the discovery of Uranus! Hershel was actually looking for the clitoris but found Uranus instead. +4955,3,"Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar... They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable." +4956,0,BNAG BNAG BNAG I'm absolutely fuming. I've just seen this posted on a social media site and its BANG out of order! +4957,0,Job Interviewer : But your CV said you went to Harvard University... Me : I went to visit my friend. 🙄 +4958,2,I hear Hillary really resented Sanders's hastag #FeelTheBern She was worried how obligated Bill would feel when #FeelTheClinton caught on. +4959,0,"How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a big hole in the ice. Place peas around the hole, evenly spaced, every inch. When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole." +4960,4,"To neigh, or not to neigh... That is equestrian. " +4961,1,There are four things in the world I hate: 1. Racists 2. Mexicans 3. Irony 4. and lists +4962,3,I cleaned my fan today The difference it made just blew me away... +4963,1,What's the worst part of parallel parking? The witnesses. +4964,0,When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar. +4965,8,Instructions how to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 14 +4966,0,"What say When you hear us,we,our? Nothing they are working for the Soviet Union" +4967,0,Why did the trigonometric function go to the tanning salon? Cos sin tan (Because suntan) +4968,5,My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake. Now it’s syncing. +4969,2,I decided to learn sign language. It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy. +4970,5,How can you cover a dozen holes with a single hole? Shove a flute up your ass. +4971,2,"When you are telling a story to identical twins, make sure you tell them the complete version. It’s very difficult to tell them a part." +4972,1,What’s black and white and red all over? A communist penguin. +4973,1,"Why are french ducks so attractive? They have a certain ""je ne sais quack'""." +4974,0,What do you call a children's doctor with a hundred legs? A centipediatritian. +4975,0,"A man goes to a wedding wearing a light jacket. He passes the coatroom. A man enters a restaurant with his light jacket. He passes the coatroom, oblivious. The attendant calls after him. ""Sir, would you like me to check in your jacket? Speak now or forever hold your fleece.""" +4976,2,My brother has decided to identify as thin. He's translender. +4977,1,"Golden Toilets Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” - Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” - The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”" +4978,8,My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had. +4979,0,What do monkey police do to monkeys who drink and drive? they put them behind monkey bars. +4980,0,I named my dick Victor... ...because it always comes out a head. +4981,0,Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy! +4982,7,"A blond woman goes to the hospital... ""What seems to be the problem?"" asked the Doctor. ""Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."" The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said ""Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas""" +4983,1,Where can you buy a Hammersley sofa? Just around the corner. +4984,1,"Expert in Peugeot A guy buys a new Peugeot and takes his 3 friends out for a ride. He's going fast, over the speed limit, violently hitting speed bumps. First guy says: ""Hey man, you're going a bit fast, slow down a bit"" Driver: ""Are you an expert in Peugeot?"" Guy: ""No"" Driver: ""Then sit down and be quite"" Driver keeps speeding, zig-zagging between cars at crazy speeds. Second guy: ""Slow down, you're driving too dangerously!"" Driver replies: ""Are you an expert in Peugeot?"" Guy: ""No"" Driver: ""Then sit down and be quite"" Now the driver is way over the speed limit, running red lights and almost hitting an old lady. He's visibly losing control. Third guy: ""SLOW DOWN YOU'RE GONNA KILL US ALL!"" Driver: ""ARE YOU AN EXPERT IN PEUGEOT?"" Guy: ""YES, YES I AM!"" Driver: ""THEN TELL ME HOW TO STOP IT""" +4985,4,My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader. But more on that story later. +4986,3,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists can't change anything" +4987,0,How does one think the unthinkable with an itheberg +4988,0,"Three students all have dinner together... ...a sophisticate, a vulgarian, and a foreigner. They return to their shared dorm rooms that night and when they wake up in the morning they all have painful gas. The sophisticate says, ""Zounds! I just broke wind with such intense vigor my anus hurt!"" The vulgarian says, ""Crap, dude! That fart hurt my butt-hole!"" The foreigner who would have understood, ""Wow, stinky pain!"" tries to fit in by saying, ""Broke fart intense butt-hole!""" +4989,1,What do you call a Scottish person with a colostomy bag? A human bagpipe. +4990,1,If people think banks are the greediest business They’ve clearly never gone to the movies +4991,0,"One day a woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. ""I'm not busy now,"" he replied, ""bring it right in."" A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit. ""Wow!"" remarked Wayne. ""That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."" She looked blankly at him and asked, ""What pit?"" " +4992,0,A man chased a duck into a bar. He failed to duck. +4993,0,Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning ? They don't have balls to scratch +4994,2,What do you call a band that has to make everything perfectly? OCDC +4995,1,What did the man who went to get circumcised say? Just a little off the top +4996,0,"What do you call 30,000 Muslims who meet to protest ISIS? A bomb time. " +4997,2,What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer. +4998,0,Why did the turtle cross the road? I don't know because he didn't live to tell me! +4999,0,I'm a lying birch Username checks out. +5000,0,"Brian decided he wanted to be a writer, so he went to his English teacher after class and told him his plan. ""Sorry Brian,"" said his teacher, ""you're just not meant to be a writer. In fact, you're barely literate. You should aim for a more realistic career... Like President.""" +5001,3,"A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat things. The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.” The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.” Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.” After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.” “Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin’ batteries like there’s no tomorrow!” " +5002,0,"What's the definition of adding insult to injury? Hey cripple, nice tie!" +5003,0,"A doctor says to his patient, “Ok, your prostate exam’s done. And don’t worry, everything you’ve told me is confidential... “Shit, my elbow was resting on the intercom.”" +5004,0,"How can you tell that the improv comedian you're fucking isn't faking an orgasm? They keep moaning ""Yes, and!""" +5005,4,What's the difference between racism and Amy Schumer? Amy Schumer is not funny. +5006,4,My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her into the back of my Mercedes and drove it into a wall. +5007,1,"A man walks up to his buddy and says that he thinks he has a gambling problem. He goes to his friend and says, ""I just lost all 10 of the football i bet on. I also lost all of the 8 baseball games I bet on. At the horse races, I lost 15 out of the 15 horses that I put money on. Not to mention losing all 12 of the basketball games."" His friend says to him, ""What about the hockey game tonight? There is a hockey game tonight."" The man replies, ""Well, I dont know anything about hockey.""" +5008,1,What does a crappy Carpenter make? Loose stools +5009,0,"Our math teacher had a big crush on me, so I took advantage of the situation and asked her to masturbate for me. Ok, I'm pretty sure I said ""for me"", not ""in front of the whole class""." +5010,2,"Birds and Bees Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. ""I don't want to know!"" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. ""Oh, Dad,"" Little Johnny sobs, ""first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in.""" +5011,2,Why do ducks have feathers on their rear ends? To cover their butt quacks! +5012,0,"For your New Years drinking pleasure. THE TRUMPKIN: (White Russian) 1 part kahlua 1 part heavy cream 2 parts vodka Add a dash of goldschlager, serve in a cheeto dust rimmed glass and don't forget to stiff your servers. " +5013,1,A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication Motrin denied +5014,5,"How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark. " +5015,0,How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? With a lead pipe. +5016,3,"One mans trash, is another mans treasure I guess thats a good way to say that your girlfriend is a whore..." +5017,4,"A defendant was on trial for murder. A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the business about the dead man walking in. But you all looked at the door with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return a verdict of ‘not guilty.’” The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, they returned and pronounced a verdict of “guilty.” “But how could you do that?” bellowed the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied,“Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”" +5018,1,Reid Faylor on Halloween I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him. +5019,0,I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex tonight. She said she wants to remain a virgin until her wedding night...butt fuck it. +5020,4,"My friend keeps saying ""cheer up dude it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"" I'm sure he means well..." +5021,1,What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face. +5022,2,It's important to make her laugh But not when you undress +5023,0,"I was able to take a thermos full of tea to work today Unfortunately, it was emptea when I got to the office" +5024,6,"Four friends meet each other after 30 years Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.” The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”" +5025,1,What do you call a dick who’s always trying to convert you? An evangenital. +5026,0,"Edvard Munch walks into a bar... And the bartender says, ""why the long face?""" +5027,1,Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny? It just makes cents. +5028,2,Have you ever had sex while camping? Q: Have you ever had sex while camping? A: It's fucking in tents. +5029,0,Why did Hitler kill himself? To avoid his gas bill... +5030,2,I quit my job translating Pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille. It feels like ancient history. +5031,2,"Meanwhile at the Dentist An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' ''You put in my husband's teeth last week,"" she replied. ""Now you have to remove them."" " +5032,6,"A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. ""Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"" asked the man. The blonde said ""How about 50 dollars?"" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, ""Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"" The man replied, ""She should, she was standing on it."" A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. ""You're finished already?"" he asked. ""Yes,"" the blonde answered, ""and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."" Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ""And by the way,"" the blonde added, ""it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.""" +5033,1,What country has the coldest bean stew Chile +5034,3,"Did you hear that a new element was just discovered? Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise. (Got this from a friend)" +5035,7,"Two Irishmen have a bright idea Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!” Murphy watches in amazement. The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.” ​ So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. ​ “Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman. ​ “Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy." +5036,0,"There once was a man who adored tractors. He had tractors on his wallpaper, carpets, and bathroom tiles. He had hundreds of little model tractors, he had kitchen utensils made out of old tractor parts, planters made from unused tractor tyres and even a tractor shaped dart board. One day his wife comes up to him and says ""Look, I've had it living around all this tractor stuff, I understand you like them but I thought it was going to be a phase you grew out of. It's become an obsession and I can't deal with it anymore. Get rid of the tractor stuff and grow out of it or I'm filing for divorce."" So the man thinks about it for a while and eventually comes to realise that it's time to give up his tractor infatuation. He sells what he can on eBay to pay to redecorate the house and make his wife happy again. A few days later he's in a bar with some friends and while they are talking they realise it's so smokey in there from people's cigarettes that they can hardly see each other. The man simply says ""I got this"". He stands up, opens his mouth and makes a very odd, very loud sucking, whirring noise. Amazingly all the smoke disappears and his friends are astounded. ""How did you do that!?"" One of them asks. ""Simple"" says the man ""I'm an ex-tractor fan.""" +5037,0,Which US state provides the best IT support? Delaware +5038,1,"An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia. ...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more. The sheik steps forward and announces: ""Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."" The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward. ""First,"" he says, ""I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."" The sheik is confused at first, and then asks ""And...your second wish?"" ""Tie the Aussie to my back."" EDIT: So many ""kiwis are sheep shaggers"" jokes. I really was asking for it, wasn't I? :D " +5039,1,How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them. +5040,2,If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... Then why do I still have chlamydia? +5041,0,Your mom said men are only thinking with their penis. I told her to go ahead and blow my mind. +5042,1,My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I? Dead. +5043,0,What does a French prostitute say to agree to a blowjob? Oui oui +5044,4,"An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee' The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'" +5045,0,I think it was disrespectful to BOO! the leader of our country at the WS. I didn't even know that Putin was there. +5046,5,"wrong answer A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. ""What happened to you?"" asks the bartender. ""Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried,"" says the guy. ""So?"" asks the bartender. And the guy says, ""Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer she was expecting.""" +5047,0,"My mum said to me, ""You're 25. Why aren't you driving yet?"" I said, ""You always told me not to get into cars with strangers."" ""What does that mean?"" she asked. I said, ""I don't know any examiners.""" +5048,0,When you can't tell if something is a failed cola drink or a large body of water made out of a fizzy Orange drink. Is this coke life? Or is this just Fanta sea? +5049,1,Don't buy Ukrainian boxer shorts. Chernobyl fallout. +5050,2,"genie: i shall grant you three wishes me: i wish for a world without lawyers genie: done, you have no more wishes me: but you said three genie: sue me" +5051,0,"Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, and Elizabeth Warren are in a plane crash. Who survived? Who cares?" +5052,0,The Clinton Problem The Clintons are always in trouble because neither one of them can control their weiners... +5053,1,Where there’s a will There’s a relative. +5054,2,"I was gonna post a joke about sodium. But, Na." +5055,1,Joel Osteen recently purchased a new Gulfstream Jet He calls it the G6 Christ. +5056,0,Furry jokes? I'd rather knot +5057,0,I didn't know what sunrise was then it dawned on me. +5058,2,Who's the worst villain in more games than any other? EA +5059,2,"My deity ignored my prayers today. The sacrifice was a disaster. First, I didn't have the correct incantation, and then the goat knocked over the candles. I guess two wrongs don't make a rite." +5060,3,"Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place. One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast. ""Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"" ""Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk.""" +5061,1,"What do you say to an Egyptian when they got scammed? *""Hey bro, you got egypt!""*" +5062,1,What seperates any given man from a woman? The distance he can howl 'a wo.' +5063,1,"The Golfball That Cannot Be Lost Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed his partner had only one golf ball. ""Don't you have at least one other golf ball?"" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one. ""Are you sure?"" the friend persisted. ""What happens if you lose that ball?"" The other guy replied, ""This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one."" ""Well,"" the friend asked, ""what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"" ""That's OK,"" he replied, ""this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."" ""Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs? ""The other guy replied, ""That's OK, too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."" Exasperated, the friend asks, ""OK. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"" ""No problem,"" says the other guy, ""You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."" Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, ""Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that, anyway?"" The other guy replies, ""I found it.""" +5064,5,What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years? Church +5065,1,"A COUPLE FETS MARRIED On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ""I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'"" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. ""Yes,"" he informed the couple, ""You can get married in Heaven."" ""Great!"" said the couple, ""But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ""What's wrong?"" asked the frightened couple. ""OH, COME ON!,"" St. Peter shouted, ""It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"" (Not my joke, got it from a friend)" +5066,0,"Punctuation is the difference between... Punctuation is the difference between “helping your father, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your father jack-off a horse.”" +5067,3,"A guy drank some magic beer A man sat alone at the bar of a rooftop club. Soon another man sat beside him and asked him what he was drinking. ""Magic beer."" the man said. ""What do you mean by magic beer?"" the new arrival asked. The magic beer drinker took 2 gulps of beer and jumped off the building. He flew around the rooftop a few times and landed back on his stool. ""That was incredible!"" the other man said. The new arrival eagerly took some gulps of the magic beer and jumped off the roof. He plummeted 15 stories to his death. ""You know, you're a real douchebag when you're drunk, Superman."" said the spectating bartender. " +5068,2,Why can’t Jesus eat Skittles? Because he has holes in his hands +5069,0,Why was the man who couldn't hear so aware of his surroundings? He had terrific deaf perception. +5070,0,"Dad's Occupation The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, ""My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."" The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, ""Is that really true about your father?"" ""No,"" the boy said, ""He works for the Democratic National Committee and is trying to get Hillary Clinton elected. It's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids!""" +5071,2,This morning I went to a meeting at my Premature Ejaculation support group.. It turns out it’s tomorrow. +5072,3,"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree... ... I don't think, ""awww, how sweet?"" I just think it is suprising how many people take knives on dates." +5073,2,I dont date dwarfs... My standards are too high for them. +5074,0,"Hey, do you want to see something interesting? It's pretty stupid, but also funny because it's just so useless and dumb. Open the camera app on your phone and switch to the front facing camera." +5075,0,"A 95 year old former Nazi is being brought into court due to his involvement w/ the holocaust He admitted to working at a concentration camp, but him admitting that he worked as an oven operator probably didn't help him reduce his sentence." +5076,1,"A Man In A Hotel Lobby A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he proceeds to walk towards the front desk, his elbow accidentally hits a woman's breast. The man tells the lady in a shaky voice, ""If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me."" The lady replies, ""If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no. 1221.""" +5077,0,What do you get when you cross and owl with a bungee cord? My ass! (For all you Kung pow lovers out there) +5078,0,Why did half of the videos of Thanos disappear? He shared them on snapchat. +5079,1,"It’s been raining for days now and my wife is getting depressed, the way she keeps standing at the window hoping it will clear up... If it keeps raining like this, I am afraid I‘ll have to let her get back in." +5080,0,What gun does the Scatman use? A scatling gun. +5081,1,"As a person with a speech impediment, I enjoy telling online jokes They're more of my type." +5082,1,Whats it called when storks deliver the wrong baby? Male fraud +5083,7,"Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant. To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18? The mathematician immediately responds ""63"". The physicist responds ""63, plus or minus 5%"". The engineer thinks for a moment and responds ""63, but for safety, let's call it 70"". The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers *""how much do you want it to be?*""" +5084,0,"Having lost his blade, is an honorable Samurai able to defeat an army of foes? Shuriken." +5085,2,"A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home. ""Dad,"" he says, ""You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"" ""That's amazing,"" his Dad says. ""How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"" ""Just send him down here with $1,000"" the young cowboy says ""and I'll get him in the course."" So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ""So how's Ole' Blue doing son?"" his father asks. ""Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,"" he says, ""but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"" ""Read!?"" says his father, ""No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"" ""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."" The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. ""Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"" ""Dad,"" the boy says, ""I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does"". ""Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"" The father went white and exclaimed, ""I hope you shot that lying son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"" ""That's my boy!""" +5086,0,What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well??? She screamed until her hands turned black and blue....... +5087,4,"I went to my local watch shop I went to my local watch shop and said, “I'd like to buy a watch please.” “Analogue?” “No thanks, I'll just take the watch.”" +5088,0,What did O say to Q? XYZ. +5089,4,"Advertisement aren't always what they seemed. I was a single obese man watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So I thought, what the hell and signed up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at my door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads ""If you can catch me, you can have me."" Never had a girlfriend, I knew I had to catch her. I tried to catch her, but was unable to. This continues for a week, at the end of which, I had lost 10 pounds. After this I tried the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except I almost caught her. This continues for a week, at the end of which I as suspected, weight 15 pounds less. Excited about this success and a potential girlfriend, I decided to do the highest tier program. Before I signed up, I was required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still I signed up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, ""If I catch you, you're mine!"" I was supposed to lose 20 pounds in the week, I lost 37." +5090,3,Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed. +5091,1,"From 1973 to 2002, Georgia politician Tom Murphy served as speaker of the Georgia House of Representatives One day, Republican Congresswoman Anne Mueller rose to speak. She noticed, however, that her microphone was turned off. She said ""Mr. Speaker, will you please turn me on?"" Murphy replied: ""Thirty years ago, I would have tried.""" +5092,1,"Two veterans are going on a Sunday drive Two American veterans are driving through town when the car they notice the fuel gage Is showing half empty! They decided to tough it out and continue their drive, instead of stopping at the nearby, reasonably priced gas station. So, they carry on, and around lunch time, they’ve made it a good few hours out of town & have completely forgotten about their imminent fuel troubles. Upon returning to their car, after eating a nice lunch in a lightly wooded area off the road, One remarks to the other “hey, we should get some gas soon, the low fuel light is on!” So, they drive, and approximately 20 minutes later they finally chance across a gas station. Recognizing this as their only hope of making it back to town, they pull up to a pump. As the attendant fills their tank, the veteran at the wheel asks him, “say, how much is this going to cost me?” “Oh, about $6.75/gallon, sir!” Replies the young attendant Thinking this very outrageous, the second veteran chimes in “We are veterans you know! Don’t you have a discount?” The attendant responds “No sir, the price of Freedom drops for no man”" +5093,1,"Hahahaha My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face." +5094,3,"Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a guy came up and flashed them. The 1st had a stroke The 2nd also had a stroke The 3rd, being the weaker and feebler of the three, couldn't reach that far." +5095,2,"I sneezed and my kids laughed I yelled ""you think it's funny but it's snot""." +5096,2,"A cow roams in the meadow... She stumbles upon a glove and wonders: ""Why is there a bra here ?!""" +5097,1,Where a homeless man goes first when he turns on the computer? To the Recycle Bin +5098,1,What's Kevin Spacey's favorite college? Brigham Young +5099,2,Someone asked me whether I know what is produced when Nitrogen oxidizes. I said NO +5100,3,What is American football called in other countries? 30.48 cm ball +5101,1,"The general was waiting for his jeep to go to the meeting, but the jeep was late. When the jeep arrived, it was driven by a very nervous looking young private, who knew he was making the general late. He was speeding, running red lights and stop signs, going around corners way too fast for a jeep, and generally being retarded. The general asks him ""Son, do you know the penalty for making a general late to an important meeting?"" The private is imagining firing squads by now, but he gulps and says ""N-no sir!"" The general replies ""Neither do I, but I bet it's a hell of a lot less than the penalty for killing or maiming one!""" +5102,2,How does Harry Potter like to go down hills? Walking j.k. ...rowling +5103,1,I would share my university assignment on reddit but docx.'ing isn't allowed on reddit +5104,1,"Joe and Tim Tim was a ticket collector in the bus...One day a heavily built guy named Joe entered and shooed him off. This repeated for another two weeks. Pissed off, he started bodybuilding and in a month he had huge biceps The next day Joe once again said,""Joe does not need a ticket"" ""Why the f*ck don't you need one?"" Tim said, flexing towards Joe. ""Well, I have a card for 1 year for this bus service"" said an anxious Joe." +5105,0,Trumps wall is supposedly supposed to keep illegals out of the United States... But unfortunately it's keeping Trump inside the White House as well. +5106,4,"I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop The steaks were too high" +5107,4,"If I had to describe myself in one word... ...it would be ""bad at following directions.""" +5108,5,I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs. I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers. +5109,2,"My daughter woke me My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read while I fell fast asleep watching the Giants game. ""Daddy,"" she whispered, while tugging my shirt sleeve. ""Guess how old I'll be next month."" ""I don't know beauty, how old?"" I said as I slipped on my glasses. She smiled and held up four fingers. ​ It's 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them." +5110,1,What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge? The fridge doesn't groan when you pull your meat out. +5111,3,I asked my doctor if I was going deaf a few weeks ago. I STILL haven't heard back. +5112,0,I wanted to make a joke about pennies. It didn't make cents. +5113,0,"[NSFW] A man herd about a place where he could get free head... He went in to try it out and had the time of his life. A few weeks later, the place became super popular - even got some news coverage. The man decided nto go back, but this time excepting a wait due to the places popularity. But to his surprise, there was no headline." +5114,4,I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition. +5115,0,"Freud A Freudian slip is where you say one thing, but mean your mother." +5116,0,"This morning i said to myself ""pete, from now on, no more alcohol"" Luckily, my name isn't pete!" +5117,1,My friends and I are having a body-part pun contest. The game is afoot! +5118,3,"What's the Best Thing About Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!" +5119,0,What Rhymes with Digger?! TRIGGERED +5120,3,"After being sent to prison, I quickly earned the nickname ""Mitochondria."" I was the powerhouse of the cell." +5121,3,I have CDO It's like OCD but in the correct alphabetical order +5122,0,I'm like a doctor without a job. I have no patience. +5123,0,What do you call an Irishman with Leprosy? A Leper-Chaun +5124,2,What did the Tailor do when the man was upset that his pants were too long? He cut the guy some slacks +5125,1,What do you call a Toad that teaches Karate? Mr. MiFroggie +5126,0,I got fired from an M&M factory after throwing away all the W&W's +5127,3,"When a flat-Earther acts carelessly, what is he doing? Living on the edge." +5128,2,I don't have empathy towards anyone. But I feel bad for people that do. +5129,0,Bar Two people walk into a bar. The third one ducts +5130,0,"A child is all alone with a lustful priest. The kid ends up grabbing him by the crotch to stop the unwanted advances. The priest then says ""look kid, don't make this any harder than it needs to be""." +5131,0,So I fired my sphere maker... He kept cutting corners. +5132,2,What do sex and church have in common? My wife falls asleep during both. +5133,0,"TIL obsessive-compulsive disorder is not OCD It's CDO, because then it's in alphabetical order." +5134,5,How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. +5135,0,Did you know Eric Stoltz was up to play Marty McFly? But the director thought he was too shaky early in filming. +5136,1,"2 of my pets just packed their bags and left home! ""It is Cat... alans that have declared independence"", I screamed up the road after them." +5137,4,Why do crucifixion depictions always portray Jesus as muscular? Crossfit +5138,0,What’s the difference between dances and balls? I’ve never held dances on my chin. +5139,1,Bill Clinton ran a mile in nine and a half minutes. What happened next? Bush did 9:11 +5140,0,Which football club has the maximum chicken players? KFC +5141,4,A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ??? 4. Prophet. +5142,1,"Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California. Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys." +5143,6,"There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, ""Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."" ""No, it's not that,"" the man replies, wiping his tears, ""This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."" " +5144,5,"A husband and wife were fighting. Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law." +5145,2,At first I didn't want a beard... But now it's really growing on me. +5146,2,What's the difference between Thai kids and American kids? Thai kids are trapped by water. American kids are trapped by ICE. +5147,1,Sex is just like pizza If you're using BBQ sauce you better know what the heck you're doing +5148,7,"There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke? They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter." +5149,0,"How do we know that god is jewish? Well, when his son became a christian he issued a new testament. " +5150,0,One day I was born. Then everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date. +5151,2,What type of cars do Missionaries think Native Americans drive? Convertibles +5152,4,Tampax has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel. This is for the Christmas period only. +5153,0,"please come outside my girlfriend suddenly said while we were having sex I look at her as if she is crazy. ""Are you kidding me? It's freezing!'" +5154,3,"The EA community team has now provided a feeling of pride and accomplishment to about 520,000 gamers... By allowing us to Downvote them into Reddit hall of shame" +5155,1,What is black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. +5156,3,What if I was to kill 2 men with a ladder? Would I be causing co-ladder-al damage? +5157,0,Yo momma so fat She has her own gravity +5158,0,Did you hear about the man who cut all his left side? He's alright now. +5159,5,"If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors... Then I feel really bad for the boys of the ""Dickinson"" family tree." +5160,1,"What did Reddit say about the post that had no comments? Wow, such empty" +5161,4,"“Hey, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.” A tachyon walks into a bar..." +5162,0,you know Eminem? I used to be a fan but... now I'm an air conditioner. +5163,0,Why don’t guys don’t like to ask for directions? Because they’re not good at listening. +5164,0,"Two Fonzis walk into a diner Two Fonzis walk into a diner and one says to the other, ""No, YOU say it !"" Original joke that presented itself in a dream." +5165,0,Why do console gamers use their in game names in real life? They haven't got anti-aliasing. +5166,1,I was going to post a chemistry joke... But i Carbon Barium. +5167,0,"What did Shrek say when he tripped over Donkey? ""Sorry, didn't see you ogre there.""" +5168,6,"Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation" +5169,0,Corny Joke: What do you get when you drop a few ears of corn into a pie? You get a cobbler! +5170,1,"I'm torn: on the one hand, I absolutely hate xenophobia, sexism, and racism on the other hand, orange is my favorite color. " +5171,2,I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate... He said NaBrO3 +5172,2,"I can usually hit the toilet when I take a leak standing up... But when I’ve been drinking, it’s sit or miss. " +5173,2,Dan Schneider has finally admitted that the Washington Redskins have an offensive name and will be changing it. From now on they will just be called the Redskins and eliminating all offensive references. +5174,1,What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common? They both finally change clothes after three periods. +5175,3,"If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow" +5176,1,A beer matt walks into a bar.. Drinks are on me! +5177,2,Life hack If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr. +5178,0,"Warners to re-release early Bill Cosby LP with new titles... ""I Started Out as a Child Molester"" ""Why is There Consent?"" ""To Russell, my Brother Whom I Drugged and Slept With""" +5179,0,Dwayne Johnson's branded stationary cutting tool Rock paper scissors +5180,4,"A man wakes up after a long night of drinking. He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He looks over to his son and asks why his mother is so happy. ""Last night you came home completely trashed. When Mom took you upstairs and tried to get you out of your dirty clothes, you started fighting her off and yelled 'Get your hands off me, woman! I'm a happily married man!'""" +5181,3,"A brunette's pain A distressed brunette tells her doctor that no matter where she touches her body, she feels horrible pain. The doctor asks her to demonstrate. She proceeds to touch her chin, which results in a whimper. She touches her breast, and she starts to cry. She touches her leg and she lets out a scream. ""Stop,"" he says, "" I believe I know what ails you. But first I must ask, are you naturally a blonde?"" ""Why yes I am,"" she says, ""how did you know?"" ""You have a broken finger""" +5182,0,How do you starve a fat man? Put his McDonald's coupons under his gifted gym membership. +5183,0,"What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? Vomit 😝" +5184,0,One day a math teacher disappeared right in front of his class for 43 seconds He went indivisible. +5185,0,"What's the oldest red wine in America? ""Give us back our land!""" +5186,0,I watched a Canadian fight one time... ...and suddenly an ice hockey game broke out +5187,0,What did Jamie Lannister say to his sister Cersei Lannister? No chromo. +5188,0,I remember when I voted for Obama. I felt like I was at a check-cashing place. +5189,2,"I hate giving money to Charity It's bad enough I lost half my stuff, but paying her alimony aswell is ridiculous." +5190,1,Why did one camera company buy out the other? To get their competition out of the picture. +5191,2,how many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them. +5192,2,"What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on its foot? Ouch! My toe, sis!" +5193,0,Is it just me or does everyone seem to get the same thing for their 21st birthday? Hungover +5194,2,"I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled." +5195,5,What did the redditor say when he won the olympics? Edit: Thanks for the gold! +5196,0,"Bob and Sei Bob and Sei are launching fireworks on the 4th of July. In an accident, Bob launches a firework into Sei's eye. Bob turns to Sei and says, ""Oh, Sei, can you see?""" +5197,10,"CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON. EDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD MATE " +5198,0,What do they say when there are no internet in Russia? Inter-njet +5199,4,"I asked my mom ""how many is a couple?"" She said, ""two or three."" That would explain why her marriage collapsed." +5200,0,What do you call a conspiracy theorist who has been bad? illuminaughty +5201,0,"I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of cleaning product. Of course I declined, being a person of strong moral character. Just as strong as Ajax, which is now available in lavender and lemon scents." +5202,1,How does an artist donate to charity They draw blood. +5203,1,Where do frogs keep their money? In a river bank. +5204,3,"In Soviet Russia, no one make comments on r/jokes Because in Soviet Russia, real comment is always in joke" +5205,1,"The hedgehog 2 toothpicks are standing near a country lane, chatting with each other. After a few minutes a hedgehog crosses the street. Both toothpicks were very suprised: « Wow, I am amazed that there are still busses driving here! »" +5206,0,Downvotes for being a Trump supporter should only be worth 3/5ths of a downvote... You know why. +5207,4,"A penguin is driving down a desert road... when his car begins to sputter. He pulls over into a service station and leaves his car with the mechanic. The penguin goes into a nearby ice cream shop and buys a vanilla ice cream cone to try and beat the heat. It's so hot outside that the ice cream begins to melt all over his hands and face as he eats it, leaving a mess. When he's finished his ice cream, he goes back to the service station to check on his car. The mechanic tells him ""All fixed. Looks like you just blew a seal"". The penguin replies, ""No, it's just ice cream"". " +5208,4,What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy offered him a pamphlet? Brochure. +5209,2,"Man Goes Skydiving for the first time. The instructor tells him. ​ "" Now there is nothing to worry about, your Chute is set to open at a set height. If it doesn't open don't Panic, just pull this cord and your Reserve chute will open. When you land there will be a Truck waiting to pick you up. ​ Guy is pumped up and goes up in the plane. When given the signal he jumps out and soars down to earth. He hits the pre set height for his Chute and it doesn't open. Guy pulls the cord on his reserve chute and it doesn't open either. As the guy plummets to earth in a free fall he looks down at the ground. ​ "" Son of a BITCH! Just as I thought, the Truck isn't there either! """ +5210,0,"SpaceX BTFOED Imagine you're truly immortal, in space. You jack it. Eventually, you will ejaculate. That ejaculation will give you a tiny, miniscule amount of thrust. You jack it again the next day. Hell, maybe that same day,  I don't judge. Same result. You shudder, a tiny amount of thrust. Then again. And again. And again, over eons. You will go faster and faster. Incredibly slowly,  yes. But faster still. This is how ion engines work. Tiny amounts of thrust,  but over long enough time scales you get serious results. Eventually your jacking will propel you to an appreciable fraction of the speed of light. You'll be propelled across the cosmos at the end of light years long stream of gossamer wads." +5211,1,Plagerism software catches computer on fire After programmers try to test it on Reddit jokes +5212,1,Why did the man become a baker? He kneaded the dough. +5213,4,"One night, a Police officer knocks on a woman's door... ""Ma'am"", he says, removing his hat, ""we have bad and good news"". ""bad news first"" the woman replies. ""I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"" The woman begins crying. ""so what's the good news?"" ""When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"" ""No way. that's disgusting!"" the woman sobbed ""Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"" " +5214,4,"Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'" +5215,1,"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey!" +5216,3,Take your time picking your Cabinet. Don't be Russian. +5217,1,What do you call a set of computer generated jokes? A comedy subroutine +5218,1,What is the scientific name of the swan? Biggus duckus +5219,3,What do you call a doctor for websites? A URLologist +5220,0,What’s the worst part of being a member of the Farmers Only dating website? Unsolicited hick-pics. +5221,1,Why did the T-rex cross the road? Chickens didn't exist yet. +5222,0,"What did the T1000 say to the T100 when he wouldn’t shut up about the good ol’ days? Ok, Computer" +5223,1,I love parallel parking It’s the only time my wife ever tells me I’m in too deep. +5224,0,What do you call 50Cent in Zimbabwe A millionare +5225,1,"According to recent surveys, Robin Roberts is the most trusted news anchor in America. Do you know who the least was? Matt Liar" +5226,6,What do you get when you spell “man” backward ? Flashbacks +5227,0,A friend and I had been arguing for a very long time But we finally bonded over burying our collection of Gary Paulsen books. I guess you could say we buried the Hatchet. +5228,1,"of Knights and Squires There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of them busily preparing for battle. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight with his lone squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight, as this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in. The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom. He had defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms. This proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides." +5229,6,"Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over. Sorry for the repost. " +5230,5,I have sex daily I mean dyslexia +5231,5,So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him. No pun in ten did. +5232,1,"My girlfriend has an identical twin, but I know how to keep them apart. She has long brown hair And her brother has a penis" +5233,2,"With all this talk of walls and migrants around the world. Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each. Paddy Scotsman says ""I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol."" Paddy Englishman says ""I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in."" Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and says ""Tell me more about this wall."" The Genie says, ""The wall is 500 foot high, and protects the English borders from all other nationalities, meaning no one can get in or out. It is completely unpenetrable."" Paddy Irishman then says, ""I wish to fill it with water.""" +5234,0,"so a girl missing all of her limbs is sitting on the beach crying one day, and a man walks up to her and asks her why she is crying. She responds with ""I've never been hugged before"" So he hugs her. She continues to sob and when he asks her again she says ""I've never been kissed before either"" So he promptly kisses her. Still, she cries and so he asks her again and she responds with ""Well you see, I've never been fucked either"" The man said ""I could throw you into the ocean and you'd be pretty fucked""" +5235,1,Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match? Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't +5236,6,What did a cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his ass. +5237,4,"What is the definition of stalking? When two people takes a long, romantic walk on the beach, but only one of them knows about it" +5238,3,A guy enters the pharmacy... Guy: 5 packs of condoms please. Cashier: Do you need a bag with those? Guy: Don't worry she's pretty. +5239,0,What a mess I've made. I need to come clean. I hear condoms work for that. +5240,1,When Chumlee gets out of prison he should do a show with Jared from Subway. They should call it... Child Pawn. +5241,2,"I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, ""Hey lady, can I smell your feet?"" She became offended and replied, ""OF COURSE NOT!"" ""Then it must be your pussy.""" +5242,4,"A windmill and a solar panel are talking during a storm... Windmill ""Awesome weather we are having!"" Solar panel ""I am not a fan."" Added thanks to /r/ChiisaiMurasaki: The nuclear powerplant overhears them feels left out, so he has a meltdown. What an over reactor!" +5243,2,"A man travels to Spain for vacation and decides to go into a restaurant. After sitting there for a while trying to decide what to eat, he sees a waiter bring out a bowl of soup to the table next to him. He tells his waiter ""I'll have what he's having"" The waiter politely explains ""that is the bull testicle soup and we only serve it once a day after the big bull fight in the city"". The man is disappointed but the waiter tells him that if he comes back tomorrow he will save it for him. The man gladly accepts and comes back the next day and orders the bull testicle soup. After finishing the meal the waiter asks if he enjoyed it The man says ""it was amazing but I couldn't help noticing that the testicles were smaller than the one I saw yesterday"" The waiter then replies ""well yes sometimes the bull wins""" +5244,0,It’s been around for years and one‘s ever had a problem with Hotmail. but could you imagine the backlash if they had decided to name it Hotfemail? +5245,0,Did you know what happened to the daredevil who jumped from a 100Ft into a tank? He died. +5246,0,What is Jewish Gwen Stafani not going to be? No challah-back girl. +5247,1,What do Will Byers and Will Smith have in common? Both of their lives got turned upside-down. +5248,0,Why did Adelle cross the road? To say hello from the other side. Thought of it as i was singing it in the shower. +5249,5,"3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope] 3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border. While walking they see a gestapo officer. ""I'm going to ask him where the border is"" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the officer. The officer ends up stopping all 3 jews and interrogates them. ""Are all of you Jewish?"" he asks After some arguing they all say yes. ""Ashkenazi I assume?"" he proceeds to say ""no sir"" says the third jew, ""only one of us is stupid enough to Ashkenazi anything.""" +5250,1,How does a jamaican propose? Marry Ju Wanna? +5251,0,Karms pays its debts using reality checks Trump +5252,2,Why did the spoon go to the dentist? It had a concavity. +5253,0,Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered sex offender. +5254,5,"Trump in a conference A reporter asked Trump, ""What does the J stands for in Donald J Trump?"" Trump replied, ""The J stands for Genius.""" +5255,0,Robin and Batman Robin: Knock Knock Batman:Who's there? Robin:NOT YOUR PARENTS! +5256,4,"A man arrives at the gates of heaven A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ""Religion?"" The man says, ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list, and says, ""Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Baptist."" ""Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Jewish."" ""Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" The man says, ""I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"" St. Peter tells him, ""Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here." +5257,0,"What’s Hitler’s favorite letter? I don’t know for certain, but it’s definitely not C." +5258,0,A guy walks into a metal bar Iron Maiden was playing. +5259,0,I went to a zoo today... It only had a dog. It was a shih tzu. +5260,3,"What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s not coming" +5261,2,"3 men go to Kmart to buy condoms.. ...the first one is 75 years old. He asks one of the clerks which aisle the condoms can be found. She tells him Aisle 5. When he gets to Aisle 5 he sees another clerk, a very attractive female, putting boxes of condoms on the shelf. She asks him if she can help him. He explains he would like to buy some condoms. She asks him what size he needs and he says that he isn’t sure. She then tells him to unzip his fly and take his willy out. The man is taken aback but follows her instruction. The female clerk rubs his willy a couple of times, tugs on it and then says into the microphone clipped to her vest, which broadcasts into the store’s public address system, “Box of medium size condoms to Aisle 5 please; Box of medium size condoms to Aisle 5 please.” Ten minutes later a 60 year old man shows up on Aisle 5 to buy condoms. When the man is uncertain what size he needs, the attractive female clerk asks the man to take his willy out and after a few rubs and tugs she announces over the store’s public address system, “Box large size condoms to Aisle 5 please; box of large size condoms to Aisle 5 please.” A few minutes later a 20 year old man shows up at Aisle 5 looking for condoms. He too is unsure what size to buy. Once again, the attractive female clerk asks the customer to take his willy out. After 3 or 4 rubs and a few tugs, the following announcement comes over the store’s public address system, “CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5! CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5!”" +5262,1,What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +5263,0,What do you call a gay guys nut sack? A mudflap.... +5264,1,How do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash +5265,8,"The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.” " +5266,1,"Boss: Hey great job today! I’ll make sure there’s something a little different on your paycheck next week. Employee: Wow really?! Boss: Yea, the date." +5267,2,Why did the boy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms. +5268,1,"Browns Anthrax Scare Cleveland, OH Monday, September 3, 2018 – Anthrax Scare At FirstEnergy Stadium Cleveland Browns football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Hue Jackson immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again. Now watch the Browns actually win more than one game this year and make me look like a jerk for posting this." +5269,1,What causes black-belt heart attacks? Karated arteries +5270,6,"I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish." +5271,4,There are 3 things I like Fucking dogs and not using commas. +5272,1,The shortest Joke An Irish Man walks out of a bar. +5273,2,What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ? ​ ​ ​ Lick-a-lot-a-puss +5274,0,Just saw 2 dudes in a dark alley... ... and they vaccinated themselves. So proud <3 +5275,1,"Why you should always have a lefty girlfriend? Righty, tighty....lefty, loosie." +5276,5,What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity? Anonogon. +5277,2,I've heard a new Fibonacci joke. It was as bad as the two previous ones combined. +5278,2,To the coworker that stole my copy of Microsoft Office... I will find you. I will get it back. You have my Word. +5279,5,"My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. ""What can I do for you?"" he asked. ""Our son has got an imaginary friend."" said my wife. ""There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all."" said the psychiatrist. ""We haven't got a son."" I replied." +5280,0,What do you call a man who's just lost his legs in a competition? De-feeted +5281,8,"A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. ""If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?"" he asked. ""Yes!"" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. ""Go and get help!"" he cried. ""But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"" ""Take my shoe"", he said, ""and cover yourself."" Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, ""Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, ""There's nothing I can do...he's in too far.""" +5282,1,I feel like some of the strategies used in World War One were a little... Over the Top +5283,1,"A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, ""Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"" The clerk replies, ""F*ck you, get out, stay out!"" The man replies, ""Yeah, that's the one!""" +5284,1,why do birds fly south during the winter? Because it would take forever to walk +5285,1,I like my women like I like my prescription medications purchased on the street and inserted anally. +5286,2,Reddit upvoted me because I'm too insecure. Oh wait it's just because I reposted the same dumb joke as last week. +5287,2,"A string walks into a bar A string walks into a bar sits down and asks the bar tender for a drink, the bar tender tells him that they don't serve strings in his bar. So the string walks out goes into an alley pulls his threads apart and ties himself into a knot. The string walks back into the bar and sits down and the bar tender turns to him and says ""hey aren't you that string that was just in here?"" The string replies ""no I'm a frayed knot.""" +5288,2,What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.... +5289,2,What's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic cornhusker shucks between fits. +5290,0,"An unexpected shower I kid you not on with and I tell this story with an honest heart and soul. Yesterday I was out of soap and happened to see one orange bar by itself. While everyone else was gone at the house, there wasn't much choice to use this, so I did - honestly not knowing if it's a special kind of soap. After applying water and spreading the soap, I look down at my body and a bit shocked. For a short pause, my inner voice tells me. ""So this is how Trump must see his body""." +5291,4,"Two men are walking down a country road. They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile. ""Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?"" they ask. ""Sure!"" the farmer responds, ""But you'll have to harvest one hundred of my crops in exchange."" They agree and run off to begin their work. The first guy picks one hundred peas and returns to the farmer. ""Ok, now drop your pants and bend over."" the farmer commands. ""Fuck no!"" the man responds, ""I'm not doing that!"" The farmer cocks his shotgun, points it at him, and reissues his command. Reluctantly, the man complies and the farmer begins inserting peas into the man's anus. ""One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eig-"" The man laughs and all the peas fall out. The farmer gets annoyed and starts again. ""Twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thir-"" The man laughs again and all the peas fall out. The farmer, now angry, starts again. ""Sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, se-"" The man laughs again and all the peas fall out. The farmer groans angrily and starts over. ""Eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, nine-"" The man laughs again and all the peas fall out. ""WHAT IS SO DAMNED FUNNY?!?!"" the farmer exclaims in a fit of rage. The man responds, ""The other guy is picking Watermelons.""" +5292,0,My ex-girlfriend was banging on my front door at 1AM. So I got up and let her out. +5293,0,I've been working on my best ice cream creation ever but it got infected. It's my Magnum O'pus. +5294,0,I just started studying geology It rocks! +5295,2,my favorite star wars character is luke skywalker hand down +5296,2,I like my women like I like my Poke Stops. Ready to go again in 5 minutes. +5297,2,I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators... But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s. +5298,4,What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way +5299,0,Did you hear that Will Smith is gonna be the genie in live action Aladdin They couldn't recast Robin William's he left the agents that called him **hanging**. +5300,1,what did the rabbi say to the group of mashgiachs? O U guys! +5301,0,"Two blonde sisters Two blond sisters were in a terrible car accident. The wreck resulted in a fire, and both girls lost their eyesight. Soon they were enrolled in a school to match people with seeing eye dogs. One day, the were out in the forest walking with the dogs, but the mutts became distracted by a squirrel and ran off. This left the girls stranded unable to find their way out. One of them offered an elbow to the other, and said ""Just follow me, at least we can stick together."" It was a clear case of the blond leading the blond. " +5302,6,"My wife left me... When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely. Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs. She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work." +5303,1,"Did you here the one about butter? Don't think I can tell you, you'd spread it." +5304,5,They call me The Tripod Her: So why do they call you 'Tripod'? Me: Let me unzip this and show you... *opens camera case and takes really steady photo* +5305,0,"What did the eunuch say after being castrated? [Nsfw] ""That was a dick move, bruh.""" +5306,1,"I know the first 1,000,000 digits of pi.. its their order that I’m still foggy on" +5307,3,"Two cows are chillin in a barn and one says... ""Are you afraid of that mad cow disease?"" Cow #2 responds ""Why the f*ck would I care, I'm a squirrel"" " +5308,2,"Civil war To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns." +5309,1,"Whilst waiting to grab a drink... Whilst waiting to grab a drink at a party, a guy came up to me and complained, ""Your jokes never have any punchlines."" I said, ""What do you think we're queueing for?""" +5310,2,Baby is furiously crying in a cinema So I turn around and ask the parents: “For fuck sake are you stabbing it to death?” Mother says: “Oh God ! Of course not.” I respond: “But could you please?!” +5311,1,The Russian Government has released a new streaming service with only state-approved media. All American submissions are immediately denied. They call it NYET-flix +5312,1,I'm so tired of German Sausage jokes. They're the wurst. +5313,2,"Roman porn videos are like Vidi, Vini, Vini Translation "" I saw, I came, I came""" +5314,1,How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in a while? She does a split and sticks to the floor. +5315,0,What request does a Starbucks barista find most difficult to fulfil? A Tall order. +5316,2,"Last night I laid in bed looking up to the stars And I thought to myself, ""where the hell is the ceiling?""" +5317,3,"Three wives were having a girls night After a bottle of wine they started to discuss their sex lives, One of the says :""Girls yesterday I noticed my husband's balls were cold, how weird is that?"" ""No way!"" Said the second wife "" I have to check it tonight, ill tell you tomorrow if it's true"" They met again tommorow in a cafe and the second wife said:"" OMG, I checked it yesterday and they indeed are cold!"" So the third wife decided to also check it herself to confirm it 100%. They meet again and they see the third wife with a black eye, ""What the hell happened to you?!"" The other wives screamed. ""It's your dumb 'cold-ball' talk caused it"" she snaps ""Yesterday my husband and I went to bed and I groped his balls and they were warm, so like a dumb bitch I asked him how come of all the men I know hes the only one whose balls are warm.""" +5318,0,Did you know that hummus is the international food choice for lesbians? Its because hummus is made of Chick peas +5319,5,"I got a white noise machine to help me sleep... but it just keeps saying things like ""I have many friends of different colors"" and ""I just wish America was like how it used to be.""" +5320,0,"I'm thinking that if I keep hitting the treadmill every night like I've been doing, sooner or later I'll remember to turn on the light when I go to the bathroom." +5321,10,"No Sex Tonight! I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said ""I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."" I said ""WHAT??!! What was that?!"" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...""You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ""Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ""That's fine, honey."" She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, ""I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."" I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ""No honey, I don't feel like it."" Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ""WHAT?"" I then said ""Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."" And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ""Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"" Apparently, no sex tonight either! Edit: Didn't expect to make front page but glad lots of you got a laugh out of it! Edit 2: Thank you for the gold! " +5322,1,"What would ""Jurassic Park"" be called if it was filmed during WW2? Jewrassic Park." +5323,2,Friends are like onions You cry when you cut them +5324,1,How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela? Put your meat coupon between two bread coupons. +5325,4,"Grandpa's death After grandpa's death i went to grandma's house to comfort her. I asked her how did that happen. Grandma: "" He died from a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."" Shocked, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Grandma:"" Oh no my dear. Realizing our advanced age we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the perfect rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the Dong."" She paused, wiped away a tear amd then continued, "" And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd be still alive today!"" " +5326,3,"The camping story A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories. I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and dangerous. If you didn’t die from coal lung you’d die from cave-ins, and if you didn’t die from either of those, you’d starve to death on the miniscule wages they paid you. The mine just up the hill from us was the worst. The manager had an extortion racket that he was keeping hidden from the owners - he would demand a “tribute” of 50% of the day’s wages from each of his miners, or he would think up a reason to get them fired. Pay was starvation level even without giving the manager his cut, and so after a few months of this tribute the miners became pale, sickly, and emaciated. Paradoxically, they started working harder and harder, hoping they would strike it rich enough to get a bonus that they could use to get out of that awful place. One of the miners worked even harder than the others. He just kept digging and digging, and when he looked back, he’d gone too far, left everyone else behind, and couldn’t find his way back. Life out there was so bad he found he barely cared. He just kept digging and digging and digging, figuring that working himself to death was as good a way to go as any other. Finally he came to a vein of rock darker than any he’d ever seen before, and when he broke through it - wham! - he had dug all the way to Hell. Satan came over to meet him, and told the miner that they had a problem. He couldn’t stay in Hell, because he wasn’t a sinner. But he couldn’t go back either, because the rules say no mortal may leave Hell alive. So Satan offered him a deal - he would transform the man into a vengeful ghost, who could spend eternity possessing mortals and driving them to madness. The miner thought a bit, but he wasn’t convinced. The only guy he wanted to possess and drive to madness was his evil manager who had stolen a tribute from every one of his paychecks. After getting revenge on him, he wasn’t sure he wanted an eternity of possessing random other people. Satan suggested that maybe he could spend eternity possessing people and talking about how evil his manager was, so as to make his name forever dishonored. The man thought that was a good idea, and so with a word Satan transformed him into a spirit. He spent a while haunting his evil manager, then after that possessed random other people in the area to give monologues on how exploitative his manager’s labor practices were. And so, I finished, sometimes, on nights much like tonight, with groups of campers much like our own… “Hold on,” interrupted my friend. “Is this going to end with you saying that you’re possessed right now, and that’s why you’re telling us this story?” “Um,” I said…“I guess that…” Just then the police burst into our tent. “Stop right there!” said one of the officers. “You’re under arrest!” “For what?” I asked. “Possession by a miner within tent to diss tribute.”" +5327,2,Dogs can't operate mri's But catscan +5328,2,Do you know what the worst part of being paralyzed is? I can't stand being in a wheelchair. +5329,0,"To the person Who invented 0, thanks for nothing." +5330,1,What metal does a Japanese robot consist mostly of? *Manga*nese +5331,1,"Little Tommy is walking to school one morning [Long] He passes by a couple of older boys, they are having a conversation. Tommy overhears them talking about something called ""blue love"". Little Tommy is curious, and asks them what blue love is. The boys give him a somewhat offended look and walk away. Little Tommy goes to class, still wondering what blue love is. His teacher notices his behavior. ""What's on your mind Tommy?"" she asks. ""I'm just curious about blue love."" Little Tommy says. The teacher gets very upset, ""How dare you use language like this in my classroom! Go to the principal's office right now!"" Tommy goes to the office, still not understanding what the big deal about blue love is. When Tommy arrives, the principal asks him what he's doing there. ""What do you need Little Tommy?"" He says ""I just wanted to know what blue love is?"" Tommy replies. The principal gets angry and tells Tommy that he is suspended until further notice for using profanity. On the way back home, Tommy passes a mailman,who asks why he isn't at schoool. ""I got sent home because I asked what blue love is."" Tommy says. The mailman smacks Tommy with a newspaper and tells him to watch his mouth. Tommy gets back home,more curious than ever about blue love, and goes inside. His mom asks why he isn't at school. Tommy asks her what blue love is. Tommy's mom yells at him and tells him to go to his room. Tommy waits in his room for several hours, wondering the whole time what was do bad about blue love. His father gets back from work,and asks Tommy why he is being punished. ""I just asked mom what blue love is."" Tommy's father is steaming, and tells him to go outside and think about what he's done. Tommy goes out,and he still doesn't know what blue love is. An old lady stops him and asks what he's doing outside at this hour. ""I just want to know what blue love is."" He says. The old lady almost faints, and proceeds to call the police. When Little Tommy is at court,the judge asks why everyone is so upset with him. ""All I did was ask what blue love is"" Tommy explains. The judge,as well as everyone else in the courtroom, seems shocked. Tommy is sentenced to 30 years in prison. But the worst part is, Tommy thinks, is that he still doesn't know what blue love is! Tommy gets out of prison 30 years later, and another prisoner who was leaving that day asks him why he was in jail for so long. ""I just wanted to know what blue love is"" Tommy says. The prisoner chuckles,and says ""I can tell you what that is."" Tommy is excited to finally know. The two are walking through the prison parking lot, when they are both hit by a car. This was my first post on this sub,I hope you enjoyed. I hope this isn't a repost. " +5332,2,"What did the old man do about his constipation? Nothing, he just stopped giving a shit " +5333,1,If you think I'm going to stop making Judas Priest references... You've got another thing coming +5334,1,Doug Jones’ margin of victory is so small Roy Moore is going to try and molest it. +5335,3,"How do you top a car? Tep on the brake, tupid." +5336,0,"What language does yeast speak? Spanish, because his - *pan* - t h i c c.   ^(*note: t h i c c refers to the rising or expanding of bread caused by yeast and im very sorry)" +5337,2,"Which two musicians are famous for saying, ""What?"" Lil' Jon and Beethoven." +5338,0,"Mike didn't catch what I was saying, he was turned off." +5339,1,Help! I really dont want to get my gf Prego but... I cant stand the way she acts when shes on the Ragu. +5340,4,"A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ""Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."" Passenger: ""Who?"" Cabbie: ""Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."" Passenger: ""There are always a few dark clouds over everybody."" Cabbie: ""Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."" Passenger: ""Sounds like he was really something special."" Cabbie: ""There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: ""Wow, what a guy!"" Cabbie: ""He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."" Passenger: ""How did you meet him?"" Cabbie: ""Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."" " +5341,2,As someone residing in a #shithole country i really wish i could move just to the north... canada +5342,1,"A fugitive sought shelter in the home of a women he knew. Her living room had a cathedral ceiling, which is to say it went all the way up to the roof peak, with rustic rafters spanning the air space below. She was a widow, and he stripped himself naked while she went to fetch some of her husband’s clothes. But before he could put them on, the police were hammering on the front door with their billy clubs. So the fugitive hid on top of a rafter. When the woman let in the police, though, his oversize testicles hung down in full view. The police asked the woman where the guy was. The woman said she didn’t know what guy they were talking about. One of the cops saw the testicles hanging down from a rafter and asked what they were. She said they were Chinese temple bells. He believed her. He said he ‘d always wanted to hear Chinese temple bells. He gave them a whack with his billy club, but there was no sound. So he hit them again, a lot harder, a whole lot harder. Do you know what the guy on the rafter shrieked?” He shrieked, ‘TING-A-LING, YOU SON OF A BITCH!’ (From Kurt Vonnegut’s Timequake)" +5343,1,"There were two roommates in a mental asylum One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!** The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. ""What are you doing?!"" ""I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"" ""Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"" ""Why? Is it the noise?"" ""No, bastard, it's all this smog!""" +5344,3,Hillary Clinton doesn't suck! Just ask Bill +5345,2,"Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists. Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games." +5346,0,What's the difference between jam and jelly? I cant jelly my dick down your throat +5347,0,Drake must miss being on tv Because he seems to be auditioning for How to Catch a Predator +5348,1,Do you all want to know what my music teacher has been teaching me? How to Finger A Minor! +5349,2,Why do barbie dolls have purple nips? Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ... +5350,5,"A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips. ""Are you the friar?"" he asked. The brother replied ""No. I'm the chip monk.""" +5351,2,"What did one bridge say to another? ""Fuck you"" (They were arch enemies)" +5352,4,Why do Apple users live in basements? Because they don't like Windows! +5353,1,"I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona... So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of time to make my flight. When I arrived at the shops, I was pleased to see there were only 30 or so people in front of me in line and figured I’d have no problem making my flight. However, every transaction took an abnormally long time. The patrons would get to the front of the line, then hem and haw for ages before placing their order. It was unbelievable because there weren’t even that many options to choose from. After almost three hours, I was still a good 5 people from the front of the line. “This is outrageous!” I exclaimed. “Are you in a hurry?” the man in front of me in line asked with a pleasant Spanish accent. “I am. I had given myself three hours to catch my flight, but now it looks like I’m not going to make it.” I replied. “Oh, I see,” said the man in a strangely excited tone. “Of course it is not your fault, no one expects the Spanish Indecision!”" +5354,1,I got pretty annoyed by the automatic door earlier. But I just let it slide. +5355,5,"A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says.... ""Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."" The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, ""If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."" The guy replies, ""If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.""" +5356,1,Here's how you play religious roulette... 1. Stand in circle with other humans. 2. Blaspheme. 3. See who gets struck by lighting first. +5357,0,We all know why We all know why Michael Jackson only had one glove... +5358,3,I used to have major ego problem But since I got rid of if I'm pretty much perfect +5359,0,"The Ball Pit A mother took her eager 3 year old son to a fast food restaurant for lunch. The boy finished his lunch quickly and asked his mom if he could go play in the play area. The restaurant had a special little play area at the side with some tunnels, a slide and a ball pit for kids, filled with plastic balls. She watched as the boy crawled through the tunnels, went down the slide and jumped into the ball pit. He jumped up and down on the brightly colored balls, dove into them and burrowed down under them. The boy had been playing for about 10 minutes when, all of a sudden, he stopped and began to cry loudly. The mother rushed to her son, picked him up and asked him what was wrong. The little boy just wailed and pointed to his arm. His mother pulled up his sleeve and saw two little red marks on his arm. She thought he must have just fell on something sharp, but just to be sure, she took him to the hospital. A doctor examined the little boy in the emergency room and told the mother that the marks on her son’s arm were a snake bite. The doctor gave the boy an antidote for the snake poison and kept him in hospital overnight for observation. The next day, the boy’s mother returned to the fast food restaurant to complain. She approached the counter and shouted at one of the teenagers who worked there. “My son was bitten by a snake in your ball pit”, the woman screamed. “You should count yourself lucky, lady”, said the teenager. “A kid got eaten by a shark in there last week”." +5360,0,"I had an epiphany, every sentence is an innuendo, if I think long and hard about it." +5361,2,"I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station." +5362,2,"What's the definition of the word 'indefinitely'? *I dunno, without a defined endpoint?* For me, it's when the balls hit the asshole. *shocked pause* Because that's how I know I'm in...definitely." +5363,2,What do you get if you watch Jaws backwards? You get a movie about a shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach +5364,3,"I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied. ""What's new?"" she asked. I said, ""An adjective.""" +5365,2,Why was the black woman pregnant of quadruplets arrested? Gang formation. +5366,1,You can never get an appointment at a library They are always fully booked +5367,2,"A homeless cat kept trying to get into the Armstrong's house. The couple were heading out for a vacation. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house with the suitcases, they notice the cat dash into the house. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver ""He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."" A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, ""Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"" " +5368,0,"Priest and an unknown man There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals. Many years passed by like that. At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard. With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said: - Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked: - Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off. A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said: - Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger's hand and immediately he asked: - Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn't in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn't even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man: - Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon. - Don't mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn't follow because he couldn't swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km's away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man: - Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger: - Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn't care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard. - Priest, please be good... - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked: - Son, why do you need it for God's sake? - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village's locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time. - Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger's arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked: - But what do you need it for?! - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest's hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest's face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest's fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked: - Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I'm very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it? - All right, priest ... - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone. The priest was good, and never told anyone." +5369,1,My last trip to the movies cost $138 That's the last time I take a cab to the drive-in! +5370,5,Magician: I can make anything disappear Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea! Magician: *waves hand* Done! om: *holding a cup* It didn't work +5371,1,"A guy got run over by the PopeMobile yesterday. I guess he didn't see the sign that said ""Cross traffic does not stop.""" +5372,3,"Stacey Her name was Stacey. One day I asked Stacey out on a date. She turned me down. You see I used to have a stutter, and she thought that it was annoying. I was like: “Okay, whatever b-b-b-bitch.” I didn’t see her again for two years. I was walking on the street when I saw her. She looked awful. Her skin had lost its color and was almost gray. Her fingernails were long, yellow, and chipped. Her hair had gone from silky smooth to a knotty mess. She looked up at me and her eyes were bloodshot and looked like they were about to fall out of her head. Her face was twitching rapidly and contorting into a spectrum of expressions and emotions all at once. She’d gotten hooked on crack. It was like I was looking at an entirely different person. “Stacey… is that you?” She whipped her head around at me and her eyes lit up. “Oh hey! You’re that kid who had the stutter… Daniel!” “My name is Damien. Stacey, have you been smokingcrack? What happened to you? How did you get like this?” She paused for a moment and began to sob. “My life just fell apart. I got involved with the wrong people, and I lost my job, my car, everything.” “I want to help you. Do you have any more crack?” “Yeah a little, I was saving it for later.” “I’m not going to let you smoke that. Give it to me. I’m going to get you checked into rehab and soon you’ll get your life on track.” She looked at me with optimism in her eyes. “You’re right. I need to get help. Thank you for helping me realize that. Here.” She hand me a small bag with crack in it. “I’m not touching that stuff ever again. Thank you for being here for me. You have no idea how much I apprecia-” I had already booked it as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Dumb bitch just gave me free crack lol. " +5373,0,Me and my wife are like Catdog... Inseparable since birth. +5374,0,Is it really true that girls focus on a guy's body? cuz I'm mostly intro and conclusion +5375,1,"What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later, the other after a while. " +5376,0,How can you tell if an octopus is a male? It has 9 tentacles. +5377,2,What does a gay bird-keeper do for fun? He sucks a cockortwo! +5378,2,What do you call it when everyone at work gets sick? A staff infection +5379,1,How do you make love to a nursery rhyme character? You hump-ty-dumpty +5380,2,How do you circumcise a redneck? kick his sister in the jaw. +5381,0,What time do you need to go to the dentist? Two-thirty. +5382,0,My roommate knows I would never date a fat girl so he recently asked me why I was bringing so many of them into the house. ..I told him I was doing the keto diet. +5383,0,What do you do with your dog when she just won't stop barking? You put her in a barking lot. +5384,1,How can we stop people from dying on Mt. Everest? climb it change +5385,2,They say that diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans. +5386,1,"Know how they say once you go black you don't go back. Yeah well, once you go white. Your credits tight!" +5387,0,Is it someone's actual job to collect cow poop for fertilization? Because that would be the crappiest job ever. +5388,2,"An Englishman, Scottish man And Irish man are being sent to prison for life But the judge says as a small act of kindness you can each take one item to prison with you to make it a little more bearable. In Prison they show each other what they got. The Englishman “I got these fine cigars so I can spend the evening smoking and thinking” The Scottish man “I got this fine scotch so at end of every evening I can drink to the day” The Irishman “I got this box of tampons” The other two “Why??” The Irishman “Because it says on the box with these I can go swimming, Roller skating and play sports”" +5389,0,What time of day do a group of traditionalist Christian church fellowships (with Swiss Anabaptist origins) meet? 9am.. ish. +5390,0,"A ghost walks into a bar.... Sorry sir, the barmen says, ""We don't serve spirits after eleven""" +5391,2,"Me and my Friend were reading dead baby jokes Then he turns to me and says "" man these are so dark they might get shot by a cop""" +5392,3,"To the person who stole my glasses I'll find you, I have contacts" +5393,2,"My daughter's teacher just called me to say she was late today and missed first period. I thought, ""what a shitty way to congratulate me on becoming a grandparent!""" +5394,1,"Alt-Right does nothing for our Word Ctrl-Right, though, moves us to a whole new Word. Obligatory I'm here all day." +5395,0,"One beer please! *This is Starbucks!* Oh, my fault, I'm Bill." +5396,4,We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars. They're driving wrecklessly. +5397,1,Why did the priest beat the demon at a bodybuilding competition? Because the priest knew how to exorcise +5398,1,"Roommates I live with a married couple but it’s not weird or anything. I’m friends with both of them you know, me and him are best friends and she sees me as a brother. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she’s from Alabama and that has a different meaning over there.." +5399,0,"A love letter from A love letter from a biscuit maker to a girl: Dear marie, today is good day, you are anmol for me, But u have crack jacked my heart, because i have a little heart, And now i m in 50/50 position. " +5400,0,"I asked my impulsive friend why he jumped into the ocean on our deep sea fishing trip... ...he said, ""... for the halibut!""" +5401,0,What do you call a jewish comedy? A shalom-com. +5402,2,"A depressed blonde decided that she wanted to commit suicide. She went to the park to find a tree to hang herself on. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, ""I'm hanging myself."" ""You're supposed to put the noose are your neck, not your waist,"" said the onlooker. ""I tried that,"" replied the blonde, ""but I couldn't breathe...""" +5403,1,"A recently employed man doesn’t go to his new job without explaining why. His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?” The man replies, “No sir, I love it!” “So why don’t you ever show up?” “Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”" +5404,2,What kind of programming do trans robots have? Non-Binary +5405,0,"Man walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor my arm really hurts when I raise it up over my head The doctor replied, “Then don’t raise it over your head.” ....... HeeHaw!" +5406,1,"So one day Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Lol, Just kidding. " +5407,5,"I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders. " +5408,8,"Starbucks job interview ""What's your name?"". ""Alyssa"". ""Could you spell that please?"". ""L A R I S S A"". ""When can you start?"". " +5409,6,"WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf" +5410,2,If a midget smokes pot... ...does he get high or medium? +5411,0,Do you what passed over Princess Diana’s head before she died? The Mercedes Steering Wheel. +5412,0,"Wife and I go to subway... She says she can't decide between a 12"" or a 6"". I told her get the 6"" sandwich and I'll give you 8 inches after supper" +5413,0,The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. +5414,0,"I recently quit my job as a butcher since I got invited to work at the porn industry. I have to admit, beating my meat by a woman has been far more pleasurable than by myself." +5415,8,"A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ""Lord, they're finally together."" One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,""What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"" The friend replied, ""I think he means her legs."" FP edit: thanks Reddit" +5416,1,What do fishermen do when they're alone at sea and horny? Master bait. +5417,0,What's the difference between a royal wedding and an Alabama wedding? Fine china. +5418,0,"Bryan Cranston and Brad Pitt are both staring in a new movie about the life of inmates in Guantanamo Bay Out this summer: ""Breaking Brad""" +5419,1,What's the difference between Paul Walker and German people ? Some Germans miss the wall. +5420,1,How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. +5421,2,"Private Snafu joins the army. Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty. ""What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!"" Snafu asks. The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins to saw off the handle. ""Snafu, war is about mind over matter. You just have to make the enemy think you're killing them."" Handing him the mop handle, ""What you have to do is point this at the jerrys and shout ""Bang-ity! Bang-ity!"" They'll drop like flies."" Snafu was leery, but was also late to get his bayonet. Once again, out of bayonets. The warren officer picks up a broom and starts cutting off a short piece of the handle. ""It's the truth, Snafu. Poke em with this and yell ""Stab-ity! Stab-ity!"" They'll fall down, holding their guts."" Snafu knew they were full of crap, until that fateful day. Deployed for the Battle of Knob Hill. He and his platoon were holed down by two Nazi machine gun nests. The fighting was furious! His buddies were falling left and right! With no recourse, Snafu leaned out of his foxhole and started yelling ""Bang-ity! Bang-ity! Bang-ity!"" Suddenly, the machine gun went quite. He pointed it at the few last Germans and yelled ""Bang-ity! Bang-ity!"" And they screamed and fell. It was working! He kept it up as both sides died. ""Bang-ity! Bang-ity!!"" After an hour of this, there were only two men left on the field, himself and one big German walking toward him. ""Bang-ity! Bang-ity!"" Nothing. Snafu tried again. ""Bang-ity! Bang-ity!"" But still nothing. Standing and screaming, Snafu charged the krout. ""Stab-ity! Stab-ity!"" he jabbed away. Still, nothing. Slowly, the fellow stepped on his foot, walked up and across him and crushed the air out of him. Nearly killing him, the German walked on and left him in the mud, bleeding and struggling for air. When the medics found him laying broken in the field, they leaned in close and asked what happened to him. Snafu whispered with his last breath....""He was saying ""Tank-ity. Tank-ity. Tank-ity."" " +5422,1,"Donald Trump: ""Don't call me orange!"" #Impeach" +5423,4,Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated! +5424,1,"You know what they say about women and politics? Righty tighty, lefty loosey" +5425,0,"Brave Men (Repost) The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day. It's on the house for anyone who show up with both." +5426,0,Zombie is just a fancy word for.. Trump supporter +5427,2,"Construction Code A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, ""I"", then at his knee, meaning, ""need"", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, ""handsaw"".  The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.  The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''  The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''" +5428,0,Knock knock. Who’s there? Ira. Ira who? Ira gret I don’t know better jokes. +5429,2,"A dad walking down the street is stopped and asked by a reporter.. A dad walking down the street is stopped and asked by a reporter: 'What would you do with 30 seconds to live?' He replies ""I'd shag the first thing that moved"". His daughter, next to him, is then asked the same question and says suspiciously ""I'd sit very, very still.""" +5430,1,What do you call frequently angry glass Tempered glass I'm so sorry +5431,0,"I just had a huge breakthrough No matter how much I wash my hands, my finger still stinks like shit." +5432,2,"My favorite joke I'm sure you've heard it before. So Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car driving down the freeway when a cop pulls them over. The cop comes to the window and asks, ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" Heisenberg replies, ""No but I know exactly where I am."" ""You were doing 120mph in a 60mph zone!"" Says the cop. ""Fuck! Now I'm lost!"" Exclaims Heisenberg. The cop finds this odd and decides to search the car and when he opens the trim he is startled and asks the people in the car. ""Did you know you have a bunch of dead cats back here?"" ""We do now asshole!"" Says Schrodinger. The police officer is now officially flustered and confused and decides he'll cuff everyone and take them in for questioning. Ohm resists." +5433,6,"Two Irishmen meet at a pub. They start talking about their lives, when one thinks the other one looks familiar. ""What city were you born in?"" he asked. ""Dublin,"" said the other. ""Same here, let's drink a toast to Dublin."" When they've finished their drinks, they carry on with the questions. Dublin was a big city, after all. ""What school did you go to?"" ""St. Mary's."" ""Wow, I went to the same school! How about a toast for St. Mary's?"" They order another beer and celebrate how much of a small world it was. The first Irishman began to wonder if they were in the same class. He was certain the other man was familiar, but the alcohol was already muddying his senses. ""What year did you graduate?"" ""2003."" ""This is so crazy, I was in the same year. We have to drink for the class of '03."" A third Irishman walks into the bar and sees the two men doing this routine and getting intoxicated. He turns to the barman and asks: ""What are they doing?"" The barman looks at him with exasperated eyes and says, ""The O'Brien twins are drunk again.""" +5434,0,What do Debbie Reynolds and 70's teenagers have in common? They both stroked because they wanted to be with Carrie +5435,6,"The man with a tiny penis A man had an extremely small penis he was very ashamed of. Fortunately for him, he found a lovely woman that he eventually decided to marry and make his wife. On their wedding night, he whispered to his new bride that it turned him on to have the room in complete darkness. In the dark, they messed around for a bit before the man pulled out a decent-sized dildo and used it on his wife. This ritual continued every night for 30 years. On their 30-year anniversary, tired of having sex in the dark, the man's wife begged the man to let her turn the lights on just for the night while they had sex. The man completely refused. While fooling around in the dark, just as the man brought out the dildo and was about to use it on his wife, she reached out and turned the bedside lamp on, her eyes widening in shock at the sight of the sex toy. ""HOW DARE YOU?? So for 30 years you have lied to me?? You betrayed me and my trust!"" The man calmly looked at his wife, ""Oh yeah? Then how do you explain our two kids?""" +5436,2,It’s funny how everybody sleeps differently Some people sleep on their side. Others on their back. My ex with anyone that walks. +5437,2,How do you know when a blondie has had a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her pencil +5438,3,"You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today" +5439,0,What did the Sweden attacker say before he got in the car? Islam my truck into you. +5440,2,"Yeah, it's cool that the Thai kids were rescued. They’re just not as entertaining as they were when they first got trapped and not too many people knew them. I guess you could say I liked them more when they were underground." +5441,2,Have you heard about the suicide bomber fetish? Wearing only a vest you run out in public and blow your DNA all over everyone. +5442,0,"A man walks into a gun store and asks ""what is the best gun for bears?"" The guy behind the counter shows him a selection of guns, then the man adds : ""which ones of these are good for twinks too?""." +5443,0,"Two Kangaroos Talking... One says to the other, I hope it doesn't rain today, I hate it when the kids play inside." +5444,4,"An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly. Alas, swine flu." +5445,0,"Ugly Beach ​ A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks: ""If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."" He replies: ""If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!""" +5446,0,"ISIS gives their support for pray-the-gay-away Allahu Ackbar, they say." +5447,0,What did Hitler hate to drink? Orange Jews +5448,0,"A janitor in Argentina at the parkinglot. ""Hey! I wonder what's on that USB-stick somebody left here on the ground?""" +5449,5,"Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward. That's just how I roll." +5450,6,My friend told me he lost 20 lbs after one visit to the bathroom Turned out he was full of shit +5451,0,"Turtle Nipple Stew You guys hear how they do Shark Fin Soup? They drag the sharks out, hack off the fins and toss em back. Well, back in the day there was a great dish called Turtle Nipple Stew. Same idea, they'd haul the turtles up and lop their nipples off, then toss em back. Problem was, the dish was SO good, and we were SO efficient about it, that now, no turtle alive has any nipples at all." +5452,1,"What goes “clip-clop, clip-clop, bang bang?” An Amish drive-by " +5453,2,You know what the best thing about sex is? Nuttin’ +5454,3,My friend called me average the other day; That’s just mean! +5455,5,What do you call a hooker's farts? Prostitoots +5456,1,How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? You break his spine. (no hate Intended It's just funny) +5457,0,"A blind and deaf man taken to a stand up comedy His friend didn't want to go alone. Since he can neither hear nor see the act, he asked his friend to tap him on the thigh twice whenever the bit is hilarious, once if it's only funny. He wanted to laugh when everyone is laughing. The friend agreed. Everytime the bit is funny, the friend tap him once and he laugh appropriately. And when it's hilarious, the friend tap him twice, and he would laugh historically. This goes on for the entire act. He had a good time. Laughing at the comedians bit which he couldn't see or hear. Now the stand up comedy is over. Everyone is starting to get ready to leave. So does his friend. The friend forgot the our guy is deaf and blind. The friend tap him twice on the thigh whilst saying:""Let's go home.""" +5458,0,I am going to say A Joke A Joke +5459,0,Why is most Jewish food cold? Because if they get too close to the oven someone will push them in +5460,1,How does THOR protect his butt ? Ass-guard. +5461,1,Everybody hated Monica Lewinsky But now everybody wants her to get her old job back. +5462,2,The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The busser sees the entire table. +5463,2,Why are receptionists perverted? Because they're always checking people out. +5464,1,How many Quarterbacks does it take to win the National Championship? Tua them. +5465,0,"I found a magic lamp with a genie inside. He granted me three wishes. My first wish was to last longer in bed. Needless to say, when I awoke from the coma I was pissed!" +5466,1,What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey team? A hockey team takes a shower after three periods. +5467,0,I told my Grandpa a 'nam joke... It must have been bad because he's still crying +5468,0,I called my friend handsome She didn’t appreciate the compliment. +5469,0,What do you do when an elephant comes through your window? You swim +5470,1,What did the police officer say when he pulled over an elephant? What's in the trunk? +5471,0,"I was walking home alongside the railway when I noticed there were a few bricks on the tracks. So I quickly phoned Network Rail and informed them, they told me to stay on the line while they send someone out. It's fucking scary stood here on this railway line, hope they get here soon." +5472,5,"We're selling assholes! Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, ""I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."" Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, ""What are you selling here?"" One of the men replied sarcastically, ""We're selling ass-holes."" Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, ""You must be doing well. Only two left!" +5473,2,"A dad saw his kid sitting in there sandbox looking intensely at something... A dad saw his kid sitting in his sand box looking intensely at something, so the dad heads out to see what going on. As he reaches the sandbox he sees that his kid is watching two daddy long legs fornicate. The kid promptly asked what the daddy long legs were doing. The dad replies ""well son what you see is one daddy long leg making love with another daddy long leg."" The kid replies, ""so your saying there's one daddy long legs making love to another daddy long leg?"" Dad replies ""yes son"" Then the kid promptly stands up and stomps on the daddy long legs while yelling ""we can't have any of this gay shit in my sandbox!""" +5474,0,"What do you get when you cross a shark and an alligator? Nothing, they're not genetically compatible." +5475,2,"A husband and his wife are lying in bed. The husband says: “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife thinks for a moment, then says: “You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends.” " +5476,3,Someone gave me a box of dead batteries... ...at least they were free of charge. +5477,0,What does a pirate do when he’s tired? He takes a Napster +5478,3,"I saw a Norse god discreetly playing 49Hz notes on a piano in space... I thought to myself: ""What a low G low G low key low key Loki.""" +5479,2,I’m missing my eye patch. Please keep an eye out for it. +5480,2,I was told that my actions could have grim repercussions. I though ' isn't that what Death sits on?' +5481,2,"Why did the starship captain buy a sub-lightspeed propulsion system that he didn't need? It was an impulse purchase. For anyone who isn't aware, this is a star trek fathers day joke." +5482,0,"I was Ordering Ice Cream I was ordering ice cream today and I asked for 2 spoons. ""Expecting someone else?"" asked the girl behind the counter. ""No, I need one for both hands.""" +5483,1,"A guy tells his friend that words can never hurt him.... his friend points to him then says...""there he is officer""." +5484,7,I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment I did it once and killed a cyclist. +5485,1,I work at a fast food chain I couldn't understand why there were slapping sounds everywhere. Only did I know they were beating their meat to Hen Thigh. +5486,1,What do you call a picture of Vietnamese soup? Pho art +5487,1,I'll have you know I'm good in bed. Sometimes I can sleep for days. +5488,3,"There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator. Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that? Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees. " +5489,0,I loved dad jokes But then my wife took custody of my kids +5490,0,Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road ? To get to the other side. +5491,6,"How many dead hookers does it take to change the lightbulb in my basement? ...Well, it's not 5." +5492,5,"A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says ""Hey, you're a handsome fellow."" The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says ""Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."" Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender ""Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"" Bartender says ""Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.""" +5493,0,"A man and Harambe walk into a bar The man asks for a drink and Harambe asks for the same. The man then says ""actually, he'll just have ice"" The bartender says ""are you sure he wants just ice?"" The man says ""yes, just ice for Harambe""" +5494,1,What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys For Twats. +5495,0,Why does Trump love McDonald's so much? Because it has his name in it. +5496,0,"What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers? The feathers because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds." +5497,2,Why are North Korean literacy rates so high? Because they have the supreme reader. +5498,3,Where do duck farts come from? Their buttquacks. +5499,0,"Scott met his friend Freddy one day..... He was wearing a necklace made of solid gold. It glittered in the sunlight, momentarily blinding anyone who was caught in its reflection. Freddy seemed to be the happiest guy on earth, singing loudly for everyone to hear. Scott just had to ask him. ""Hey Fred, where did you get that necklace? Won the lottery or something?"" ""Oh ayuh,"" Fred replied ""my farm was chosen for one of them 'scientific studies'. Couple of them white coats came and gave my cow some injections. She shits solid gold now."" ""That's unbelievable man. You must be a millionaire now."" ""I am. I even got myself some lawyers, to look after my properties"" Freddy said. ""Oh there's one of them, gotta run Scotty. These fellows have been avoiding me since they had me sign some papers."" A month later, they met again. This time Freddy looked even more happy. His gold chain was gone, now he was wearing a necklace that seemed to be engraved with every kind of jewel possible. Rubies redder than blood, emeralds as green as grass, opals changing colours like the rainbow. ""What happened, Freddy?"" Scott asked ""Where's your gold chain?"" ""Oh, I had to sell it"", Freddy said "" My lawyers said the cow was theirs now, as was all of its shit. Sadly, some of it was on me. So they took it. I knew I shouldn't have trusted those slicks."" ""Well, what happened then? How did you get this necklace?"" ""I got lucky again. The two white coats came again, gave some injections to my chickens. The eggs are now full of jewels."" Fred said ""They are even paying me compensation for not being able to have any chicks. I am even richer now, the jewels sell for more than gold and the hens are laying more eggs than the cow used to crap."" ""That seemed to have worked out in your favour then."" Scott said. ""It did. Listen Scott, I gotta go now, it's time for gathering the eggs. The coop overflows with eggs if they are not gathered in time."" Two months later when they met again, Freddy seemed to be even happier. He was wearing what looked like a string of black pearls, glistening like black flowers covered in morning dew. ""Hey Scott,"" Freddy said ""what do you think of my new jewellery?"" ""It's nice Freddy, but what happened to your chickens?"" Scott asked. ""Well, turns out the papers I signed says that every mutant animal of mine belongs to my lawyers. So they took away the chickens and my necklace."" ""Sorry to hear that, Fred. What happened then? Did the scientist folks change another of your livestock?"" ""Yeah they did. They gave some injections to my goat and gave me two grands for my troubles. That was a week ago. One of the lawyers came and took away the goat today. They let me keep this chain as a memento."" ""Then why are you happy? They took away your goat, you should be angry."" ""Because the injections had a, what do you call it, negative effect. The goat never stops shitting.""" +5500,2,I have a very large sex drive About 1 terabyte +5501,3,"I heard a woman got hit by a motorcyclist the other day... It made me wonder, who the fuck rides a motorcycle into someone's kitchen?" +5502,0,Tony Danza and Bruce Springsteen walk into a bar... Who’s the Boss? +5503,2,What do O'douls and going down on your sister have in common? (NSFW) It tastes the same but it's just not quite right. +5504,1,"Why is the key next to the space bar on Trump's keyboard always in pristine condition? Because no matter the circumstances, he'll never put pressure on the alt-right" +5505,1,"What do May Flowers bring,If April showers bring May flowers ? Only genocide" +5506,0,What do you call something that weighs less than light? a lighter +5507,1,What do you call a guy who sexually obsesses over feet? A Pedi-file +5508,1,"Once a pasta chef sat down to talk to his wife about something important ""Honey"", the pasta chef said, ""I know you said you wanted just two kids, but I really want three or more."" ""Dear"", his wife said, ""are our two silly kids not enough for you?"" ""Honey"", the pasta chef said, ""I just don't want to live having a couple silly kids. I really would like to have a fusilli kids""." +5509,1,I have a genetic diarrhea disease... The shit runs in my family. +5510,3,"Stalin's romance Her: come over,joseph! Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag Her: My parents aren't at home Stalin: I know" +5511,0,"The Flying Drunk Two men are sitting at a bar drinking when one starts up a conversation with the other. ""You know, at this time of the year this city is great for flying, just the right wind."" ""Looks like you're completely wasted, men can't fly."" Over the course of argument and further drinking the first guy gets up and walks to the window. ""Fine, I'll show you."" saying which he jumps out, flies a bit, does a loop-DE-loop and comes back in through the window. The man is left astonished at the sight and decides to try it for himself. He jumps out of the window and falls plop on the ground a floor below. The barman gives the first guy a nasty stare ""You're real mean when you're drunk Superman."" " +5512,4,"A man runs into a pub... ""Quick"", says the man, ""how tall is a penguin?"" ""About this high"" says the bartender, holding his hand about 3 feet off the ground ""Fuck, I think I've just run over a nun.""" +5513,2,"A guy walks into an auto parts store and says ""I need a gas cap for m Chevy."" The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says ""OK, that sounds like a fair trade.""" +5514,1,A skeleton walks into a bar He said ouch. +5515,3,"Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, ""Does this taste funny to you?"" Without thinking, the other replies ""not at all""." +5516,0,If i light my balls... can i shoot fireballs?!?!?! +5517,0,"Comedy is all about timing. So is politics, but I repeat myself." +5518,3,What's a furry's favorite file storage format? .rawr +5519,1,What were the last words of Jesus? Wait till my father hears about this! +5520,0,What do you get when you cross President Trump with James Comey? President Pence +5521,2,What's the good thing about FaceApp? Kids with cancer can see themselves older. +5522,2,Why was the King only able to draw straight line? Because he is the ruler. +5523,1,What do you call a Venetian cannoli A Canali +5524,8,"A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ""What's up?"" he says. ""I'm having a heart attack,"" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,""Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, ""says the husband,""my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”" +5525,1,What's the difference between a boomerang and a stick of wood ? With the boomerang you can spare yourself the dog. +5526,0,"Argument between Boys and girls A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”" +5527,2,"A duck walks into a bar A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink and a light snack. The bartender takes the ducks order, despite his surprise of the customer being a duck. This happens for 3 days and so the bartender starts a conversation with the duck. \\- The past few days you've been coming here ordering a drink and a light snack. Is everything alright? \\- Yeah, I'm just working at a construction site just a round here and I'm here during my break. Later this evening a friend of the bartender's comes into the bar and he owns a circus. The bartender says to him \\- You won't believe this, but there's this duck that's been coming here for the past few days ordering a drink during his break from work. \\- Really? I'd like to meet this duck. Suggest the duck to meet with me so we can work together. The next day the duck arrives at the bar again ordering the same things again. And the bartender says to the duck \\- You know... I've got this friend that wants to speak to you about some work. \\- What sort of work? \\- He's got a circus \\- What's a circus? \\- Well, it's this big round tent thing which has many animals, acrobats, etc. \\- A tent? \\- Yes. \\- A tent... made of fabric? \\- Yes. \\- And what does he want with me? I'm a concrete finisher. " +5528,3,When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice +5529,0,"Driving the Kids to School Son: ""Dad, what's and alcoholic?"" Dad: ""Son, do you see those 4 cars ahead of us? An alcoholic would see 8."" Son: But, dad there's only 2.""" +5530,1,My Girlfriend believes in Zodiac signs So I am fucking stupid +5531,1,What's the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub? Throw in the laundry +5532,1,Dyslexia didn't stop Mark Twain being a great writer He didn't even suffer from it. +5533,0,My boss is so homophobic... He doesn't eat trans-fats. +5534,7,"A woman must walk 5 paces behind... Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ""Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ""Land mines.""" +5535,2,When do you see a sandwich cook? When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato. +5536,1,"A guy walks in to a whorehouse with 12 dollars... He tells the madam he has twelve dollars and wants to lose his virginity but this is all he has. The madam thinks for a moment and says we may have just the gal and picks up the phone. She hangs up and says all is well go up to room 12. He goes up to 12 and low and behold it's a gorgeous girl laying there stark naked so they start the deed. It hurts like hell no matter how much lube he uses it still feels like an SOS pad. So he says ""hey I'm sorry it's just not working for me."" She tells him to wait for a minute and exits the room. She comes back in and says let's try it now. He slides right in and it is amazing no scratching, nothing just heaven. He finishes and says ""hey I have to ask what happened at first"". She replies ""oh I hadn't had time to pick all the scabs off""" +5537,2,What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave. +5538,0,Why are concussion grenades so rude? They concuss. +5539,1,"Trump was named employee of the month by the Kremlin MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Capping an extraordinary year for the former television host, the Kremlin has named Donald J. Trump its Employee of the Month for December. “No one has worked more tirelessly for the glory of the Fatherland than Donald Trump,” the Russian President Vladimir Putin said in an official statement. “He has set a high bar for all Kremlin employees, and for that, we salute him.” To mark the honor, Trump’s name will be added to a plaque that hangs in the hallway outside the Kremlin’s H.R. office. According to Kremlin sources, Trump faced tough competition in the Employee of the Month voting, besting both Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and ExxonMobil’s C.E.O., Rex Tillerson. Speaking to reporters at his Mar-a-Lago estate, in Florida, Trump called the award “a tremendous honor, just tremendous.” “Obama was President for eight years and he didn’t win this a single month,” he said. “Loser.”" +5540,0,"Not since the accident Cleetus and Johnny are outside splitting fire wood, in the coldest winter day. Johnny says: ""Hey, Cleetus, aren't your ears cold? Shouldn't you be wearing one of 'em hats with ear flaps?!"" Cleetus: ""I ain't worn one o' those since the accident..."" Johnny: ""Oh, my, Cleetus... what happened? Did you get hurt?!"" Cleetus: ""Nah, is just my Pa' called to me to come have a drink o' moonshine and I didn't hear...""" +5541,2,"When I get undressed in the bathroom, The shower gets turned on (;" +5542,1,"Dwarf walks into a tavern and says ""Ladies, I am 4'11'' ..and those are two different measurements!""" +5543,1,Friend: “Hey can I have that informational pamphlet?” Me: “Yeah bro sure” +5544,0,Did you know a polar bear uses its paw to hide it's nose when hunting prey? It's a technique they learn from their Pawpaws. +5545,1,What did the Buffalo say to his son when left for school? Bison. +5546,3,"A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?” “I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies. ​ ��Who?” the son asks. ​ “Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”" +5547,1,"I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe." +5548,0,"I’m dating a mouse, at first it wasn’t going well... But then we clicked" +5549,3,"A journalist asks a Russian, a Pole and an Israeli the same question: Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage? The Russian replies: What's an opinion? The Pole replies: What's meat? The Israeli replies: What's excuse me?" +5550,0,Mr. Potato heads wife admits to cheating on him Mr. potato head:YOU POTAT***HOE*** +5551,2,What do you call a couple of clowns having sex? A funny bone. +5552,0,"Small announcement for all people using IE ...wait, who I am writing this for?" +5553,2,"What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question." +5554,0,Why was the naughty jellyfish swimming inside out? Because he was an invertibrat +5555,1,"The farmer's chicken A farmer returns home late from working all day on his crops, and chicken coops. He loudly walks up his stairs, chicken in his arm. He slams open his bedroom door and sees a suprised look on his wife's face. ""This is the cow that I fuck when you aren't around!"" exclaimed the farmer. His wife responds, ""If you weren't such a dipshit, you would realize that's a chicken you dumbass."" The farmer then frowns and says, ""And if you weren't such a self-entitled bitch, you'd realize I was speaking to the chicken!""" +5556,1,"An egg sits perfectly balanced on the apex of a roof, the wind blows south, which way does the egg fall? Down. The egg falls down." +5557,0,A statistics professor was telling his class the importance of first impressions when looking for a job. One of the students raised their hands and asked “do you have data on that?” +5558,1,What did the detective say to the bartender? I've got to get to the bottom of this +5559,0,What does a chip do when it’s late but can’t sleep? It just lays there. +5560,3,Parachute for sale Used once. Never opened. Slightly stained. +5561,0,Pirate walked into a bar and ordered a YAHAAAARD of beer. +5562,2,My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard. +5563,4,"Police Officer and the Pothead Police Officer: ""How high are you?"" Pothead: ""No officer, it's ""Hi, How are you?"" " +5564,2,"A jungle explorer is captured by natives and is brought before the tribal chief. ""Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death."" says the the chief, ""We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."" ""What's the test of courage?"" Asks the explorer. ""You see those three huts over there?"" Asks the chief. ""Inside the first hut you will find a jug filled with a special elixir. It is a powerful hallucinogen that our tribe uses in our most sacred ceremonies, altering both body and mind. One jug is enough for the whole tribe, you need to drink the entire thing yourself."" ""In the second hut is a savage tiger. It has rotten tooth, way in the back of it's mouth. The pain has made it ferocious beyond imagination. You need to go in there and extract the tooth."" ""In the third hut you will find our fiercest Amazonian warrior. She's led up our last 6 campaigns and killed dozens of men. She is vicious and brutal. You need seduce her and have sex with her. If you can do all that we'll let you go."" Seeing no other choice the explorer reluctantly opens the door to the first hut. There in the middle of the room is a large jug. The explorer pops off the cork and the smell alone is enough to almost knock him out. With tears streaming from his eyes the explorer starts drinking. It goes down like fire, burning his throat and erupting in his gut. Before he's even halfway through he begins feeling the effects, his legs get wobbly, his vision blurs, shadows begin to dance along the walls. He chokes down the last drop and staggers back outside. The chief catches him just as he's about to fall over, straightens him out, and pushes him into the second hut. The moment the door slams shut behind him the most horrific sounds begin emanating from the hut. It's difficult to know if they are being made by man or beast. After almost 10 minutes of nonstop howling and screaming and gnashing and tearing the hut falls silent. A moment later the door opens up and the explorer walks out. The man is barely recognizable. He's covered in blood, his clothes hang in shredded tatters. He limps slowly up the chief and says... ""Ok, now where's this bitch with the toothache? "" " +5565,0,What do gays and Americans have in common? Their pride. +5566,0,"After years of my wife's pleadings I finally broke down and started using deodorant. ""Ohhh what scent did you get?"", she asks flirtingly. ""Wild game.""" +5567,2,[NSFW] WHERE do cousins come from? Ant Holes +5568,2,"My elderly grandfather came over and complained of diarrhea. He repeatedly told everyone ""Shh"". It took us a while to realize he'd lost ""it"". " +5569,5,"Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One deer turns the other and says ""i can't believe i just blew 40 bucks""" +5570,0,"Joe found a quick way to make money. He started making counterfeit currency. But, he ended up making a $30 bill. Now frustrated, he went to a near by gas station to get it changed and gave that bill. The gas station owner looks at him, then looks at the bill, and says, wait here, I'll be back, but it'll cost you $4. Joe stands there nervously, thinking he might call the secret service. He comes back, and hands him two $13 bills. " +5571,3,Never date a Tennis Player because Love means nothing to them +5572,0,I dislocated my shoulder the other day. I found it eventually. +5573,1,What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! +5574,5,You can use a colander to look at the eclipse But be careful you don't strain your eyes +5575,2,"Ernie the Hamster I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. ""He's just lying there looking sick,"" he told me, ""I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"" I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.) ""Honey,"" I called, ""come look at the hamster!"" ""Oh, my gosh,"" my wife diagnosed after a minute. ""She's having babies."" ""What?"" My son demanded. ""But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"" I was equally outraged. ""Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!"" I accused my wife. ""Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!"" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.) ""No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). ""Yeah, Bert and Ernie!"" My son agreed. ""Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"" she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. ""Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"" I announced. ""We're about to witness the miracle of birth."" ""OH, Gross!"" They shrieked. ""Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. ""We don't appear to be making much progress,"" I noted. ""It's breech,"" my wife whispered, horrified. ""Do something, Dad!"" My son urged. ""Okay, okay."" Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. ""Should I call 911?"" My eldest daughter wanted to know,"" Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."" (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) ""Let's get Ernie to the vet,"" I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.""Breathe, Ernie, breathe,"" he urged. ""I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,"" his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. ""What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation. ""Oh, very interesting,"" he murmured. ""Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. ""Is Ernie going to be okay?"" My wife asked. ""Oh, perfectly,"" the vet assured us. ""This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen .. Ernie is a boy."" ""What!?"" ""You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back."" He blushed, glancing at my wife. ""Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."" We were silent, absorbing this. So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?""! My wife offered. ""Exactly,"" the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly! What's so funny?"" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. ""It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ..."" she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. ""That's enough,"" I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. ""I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"" he told me. ""Oh, you have NO idea,"" my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter. Enough said. " +5576,0,A truck carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M42. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers. +5577,0,What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine.! +5578,1,All the French cities are too similar to each other I mean they are all Nice but... I don’t know +5579,0,What is the opposite of microsoft? Hugehard +5580,1,Why did the sarlac not like eating wookies? It always found them a little chewy. +5581,2,you can remove polish with chemicals... so long as you're not Hitler. +5582,2,"Logic A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, 'Is it a boy or a girl?' The logician says, 'Yes.'" +5583,2,Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel Sparks outrage +5584,0,Saw this in a Textbook today What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There's 20 of them +5585,5,"My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, ""Which one do you want?"" I said I'd take either/oar." +5586,2,"My friend got upset because he's trying to teach me grammar and I'm not very good at it. I said ""their their""." +5587,0,DIY: Googling basic questions Just do it yourself. Google is auto askreddit +5588,3,"So damn rude. Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, ""I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."" The second one says, ""I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."" The third one says, ""I wanna be a boxer."" The other two ask, ""Why do you want to be a boxer?"" He replies, ""So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.""" +5589,1,Where does kim jong un keep his armies? Up his sleevies +5590,0,"A mexican, a jew and a black walk into a bar and the bartender says: get the fuck out." +5591,3,"What’s the difference between democracy and feudalism? With democracy, it’s your vote that counts. With feudalism, it’s your count that votes." +5592,0,"When asking Santa for a peesent I don't have any presents for you. This is for my ho, ho ,hoo." +5593,0,"Abraham just lost his grandfather David, and was tasked with notifying next of kin of his passing. Not wanting to spend too much money on the telegrams he was to send, he decided to summarize things as much as possible: >D. dead A few days later he received a bunch of telegrams, all of them saying: >Oy" +5594,2,"In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules. Aladdin: So, Genie, what are the three items I get to choose from? Genie: Well, Aladdin, I saw your monkey friend when you were singing “*One Jump Ahead*” previously. Aladdin: What, you saw us?! How? Genie: Doesn’t matter. But as a first item, I've got what Abu lost fighting those guards. Aladdin: Wow, that's nice! I’m already excited about what else you’ve got in store for me. Genie: Okay, so I also know that you like stealing apples-- Aladdin: Wait, how do you all these things about me?! Genie: *SILENCE!* Anyhow, since you like stealing apples, *Aladdin*, I’ve also got this branch from a pretty nice apple tree. Aladdin: Ooookay? Well, I sure know what I’m most excited about… Genie: Hah! But there’s still one thing left that I haven’t presented to you. In a near feature, you will meet that lovely lady again, who you helped out stealing an apple. And when you meet here again, and since she's a princess, you cannot walk around smelling like dead fish. Aladdin: Still creepy, and rude, but I catch your drift. Genie: So, what’s it gonna be, Aladdin? You have my sword, my bough, and my Axe." +5595,2,I've found one good thing about being 80 years of age. Every birthday is a surprise birthday. +5596,2,"Welcome to the ice cream shop. So a man walks into an ice cream shop. He looks around and then walks up to the clerk. Clerk: ""Welcome! How can I help you?"" Customer: ""Hi, can i have a cup of chocolate ice cream?"" Clerk: ""I'm sorry sir but we don't actually have any chocolate at the moment. We're all out."" Customer looks around again at the different ice cream flavors. Customer: ""Okay in that case can I get a small cup of chocolate?"" Clerk: ""I...I'm sorry. I must not have been clear. We've run out of chocolate ice cream. There is no more. I have 29 other flavors...but no chocolate."" Customer: ""Oh! I'm sorry. In that case I'll just take a cone of chocolate."" Clerk pauses Clerk: ""Let me direct you to our menu. Do you see the V-A-N-I in vanilla?"" Customer: ""Yes."" Clerk: ""Do you see the S-T-R-A in strawberry?"" Customer: ""Yes."" Clerk: ""Do you see the F-U-C-K in chocolate?"" Customer: ""There's no fuck in chocolate."" Clerk: ""That's what I've been trying to tell you!""" +5597,1,Why did the orange lose the race? because it got Im-peached. +5598,2,My Mother died and left me a giant tub of LEGOs. I just don’t know what to make of it. +5599,3,Why do Crusaders need kitchen sinks? To wash their Saladin. +5600,2,"A man is walking through a mall and notices a Mexican bookstore A man is walking through a mall and notices a Mexican bookstore. He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican bookstore before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, “Do you have the book on Donald Trump’s foreign policies with Mexico?” The clerk replies, “F*ck you, get out, stay out!” The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”" +5601,0,"If I could walk that way... A man approaches the counter at a pharmacy and asks for aftershave. The pharmacist says, ""Sure thing, walk this way."" The man replies, ""If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave."" " +5602,3,I prefer to learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice +5603,0,"Joe, come here, there's something suspicious about this nail. ""Is there something wrong with it?"" ""Yeah, but I can't put my foot on it.""" +5604,1,You know the problem with dark jokes about airplanes? They don't always land. +5605,4,Flat Earth theory debunked We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already. +5606,3,How do you know if there’s a stegosaurus in your refrigerator? The door won’t close. +5607,1,"The Experienced logger A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the forestry company office and fills out an application as an 'Experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. ""See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."" The Newfie promptly answers, ""Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? And she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."" The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. ""Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet"", says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. ""And what about that one?"" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, ""A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."" The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, ""See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."" The foreman thinks to himself, ""Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. ""Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,"" the Newfie states. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, ""How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, ""Cuz someone took a crap behind it, eh!""" +5608,0,Look dad! there's a none-ya truck!!! Dad: What's a none-ya truck? 8yo: NONE YA BUSINESS!!!!!! +5609,1,"Thadeus and Thelma Thadeus and Thelma are an older couple, sitting at home on the veranda having drinks and she says, ""I love you."" He asks, ""Is that you or the wine talking?"" She replies, ""It's me............. talking to the wine."" " +5610,3,My girlfriend says that Adam’s apples are sexy But hers is a real turn off for me +5611,2,"A little girl is getting a haircut in a barbershop. About halfway through, she pulls a Hostess pastry out of her pocket, unwraps it, and begins eating. The barber warns her, ""Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie..."" She beams up at him and says, ""I know! I'm gonna get tits, too!""" +5612,1,I recently met the guy who created windowsills. What a ledge! +5613,3,"A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what all of that money was for, since there must have been over a thousand dollars in the jar. The bartender says that you can walk away with the whole jar if you complete his challenge: A. Drink an entire bottle of tequila, B. Outside, there is an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out, C. Next door is a woman who has never had sex, and you have to bang her. The man says O.K., puts ten dollars in, downs the bottle of tequila, and stumbles out of the bar. Ten minutes later, he walks back in and says, ""Alright, now where's the woman with the sore tooth?""" +5614,0,"Probably wrong sub but whatever who gives a shit, we're all wasted! (Hello mods) Happy New Years Fu*kers! You guys making my life so much bearable! All the best for 2016, and I hope your enemies perished in 2015, if not then buy them a beer (who knows they might actually get friendly(" +5615,3,"Three friends bragged about who has more sex.... Friend A said ""You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"" Friend B said ""Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."" Friend C said, ""I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."" " +5616,0,"The culmination of stupidity Selling your car, so that you can have money to buy car fuel." +5617,3,"A boy who couldn't hear, smell, taste or feel punched me in the head yesterday. I told him ""there was no need for senseless violence""" +5618,2,What's the most popular game at a nursing home? Guess who +5619,0,Why discriminate over brown or white bread? The only bad thing is burnt bread +5620,0,Why Barron Trump always brings his cat to the school? Because he heard his dad say he will grab that pussy! +5621,0,"They say when finding a partner, what matters is the inside not the outside. It doesn't matter if they look ugly or fat or skinny or if they are from the same gender, it's all about the personality." +5622,2,Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master. He rubbed her the wrong way. +5623,3,"Irish Jokes Megathread Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers." +5624,2,Two people are fighting over a toaster One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it” +5625,0,"John walks into a the kitchen and finds his son, little Timmy sitting at the counter, he says to Timmy ""what's up champ"" Timmy replies with ""Dad, why didn't you tell me we got a cat?"" The dad is confused because he doesn't remember getting a cat so he askes Timmy what he's talking about, he replies with ""well yesterday I heard mum tell uncle Larry that he can play with her pussy anytime.""" +5626,5,"My drug dealer got me shoes for Christmas I dont know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping ever since" +5627,3,Did you hear about the man with five penises? His condom fits like a glove. +5628,2,"Stop putting words into my mouth! ""Fine, eat your alphabet soup by yourself.""" +5629,1,Wanna here a secret about Nutella? Well I'm nutell-ing you. +5630,2,"It'll never fit in she said, a worried look on her face. ""It's far too big"". I pushed, and it slid right in through the back, as far as it could go. ""Oh"", she said, with a slight smile and a gasp. Fucking knew I'd fit that table in the car." +5631,3,"My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it" +5632,3,"So, what's your profession again? ""Well"", answered the man, ""I'm a magician!"" ""A Magician? What type of Magician?"" ""It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"" ""Family business? So do you have siblings?"" ""Yes, two half brothers""" +5633,2,"My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate. She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?” Edit: originally from Anthony Jeselnik, thanks /u/untidypolaroid" +5634,2,"Uncle jokes, Dad jokes, same thing. I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. While cooking, my cousin and I discover that we both are redditors. She says to me, “Hey did you see this post on AskReddit?” My uncle quickly yells from the other room, “I wish someone would give me some Ass Credit!”" +5635,2,"The wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror She was not happy with what she saw and said ,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.' I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'" +5636,1,How do metal guitarists handle their expensive instruments? Very Djently. +5637,8,"What bleeds once a month in the mouth? Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that" +5638,0,What is a redditors favorite emotion on this sub? [Insert slight laugh under breath] +5639,5,"Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away... Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly. Satan walked up to him and said, ""Don't you know who I am?"" The man replied, ""Yep, sure do."" Satan asked, ""Aren't you going to run?"" ""Nope, sure ain't."" said the man. Satan asked, ""Why aren't you afraid of me?"" The man replied, ""Been married to your sister for over 48 years.""" +5640,5,"An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence. The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them. The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeatable! The physicist is unimpressed. Used to working with non Euclidean planes, he herds the sheep to a small elevation in the terrain and manages to build an even smaller fence around them. The crowd can’t believe it! Surely that can’t be beaten! The mathematician observes. After a long ponderation, he builds a tiny circle around him self, and looks satisfied. To the puzzled crowd he than announces: “I am on the outside”" +5641,0,U2's Bono got lost today. He told us all the streets had no names. +5642,0,I walked into a stadium and noticed two cows chew weed from the ground and fight It was a high-steaks match. +5643,4,"Mom: ""How was school today, Noah?"" Noah: ""It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"" Mom: ""Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"" Noah: ""What school?""" +5644,1,I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics. And then I looked at her head. +5645,2,You know what really brings the child out of someone? An abortion. +5646,0,What did the South American sheep say to their families on Christmas morning? ¡Fleece Navidad! +5647,3,"I wanted to donate blood today but they ask too many personal questions... Like, ""Whose blood is it?"" and ""Where did you get it?"".... " +5648,2,"Working at the Unemployment Office must be a fairly intense job. Because if you get fired, you have to come in again the next day." +5649,0,Do bodybuilders have a problem with people telephoning each other? Why do they keep ripping those phone books? +5650,1,"Nothing's different in now Minnesota for our Super Bowl, even after the way our fans were treated in Philly. See, as a beautiful natural habitat, we are used to having thousands of eagles, watching them, feeding them, protecting them, even though they cannot verbalize their gratitude." +5651,0,"There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who pee in the shower, those who don't, and those who didn't realize this joke was in trinary." +5652,1,"A guy walks into a pawn shop. He sees something above the counter and asks the owner what it is. ""Why, it's a thermos."" The owner replies. ""What does it do?"" The man asks. ""It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."" The owner replies. ""That's amazing, I'll take it!"" The man says. The next day he's walking down the street when he runs into some friends. ""What's that?"" They ask. ""Why, it's a thermos."" The man says. ""What does it do?"" The friends ask. ""It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."" The man says. ""Wow, that's amazing!"" The friends exclaim, ""what do you have in it?"" The man replies, ""Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.""" +5653,5,I once tried eating a clock it was very time consuming +5654,2,"The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him... Boss - ""Is this what I pay you for?"" The manager - ""No, sir, this I do free of charge.""" +5655,4,What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black? Artificial Intelligence +5656,1,"There is a big ass competition in town it is held in an indoor stadium and crowd is 150,000 people. the japanese woman shows a small carrot up her ass. the russian woman shoves a bottle of vodka up her ass. the black woman shoves a tub of fried chicken up her ass. this goes on for a while. the winner is announced as the indian woman who did not even show up. when everyone looks confused, the judges ask ""where do you think we are holding this competition?"" " +5657,0,Network Rail (Only people in the UK will get this) +5658,1,"I got arrested for open carrying at a quadriplegic convention. Honestly, it was blatant discrimination. They kept saying I was two armed." +5659,0,Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out. +5660,2,Did you hear about the mechanic who slept with my wife? He nuts and bolts +5661,2,Friends are like trees They fall down if you hit them multiple times with an axe. +5662,1,Captain Crunch and Count Chocula were found dead last night Police are looking for a cereal killer +5663,2,I decided to remove all the mirrors from my home. Not a good idea on reflection +5664,2,"There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure. The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''. She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?'' The doctor said ''$300'' She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??'' He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''" +5665,2,"I’ve always felt conflicted about masturbation I mean, on one hand it feels good..." +5666,2,"My friend Ray just passed away :( He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back. Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision" +5667,0,My wife is like my homework I slam her on the table and do it the whole evening. +5668,0,What does Margaret Thatcher and jimi saville have in common? They both went down on miners... +5669,0,"I got in an accident while texting The accident was I typed ""amy"" instead of ""any"" while texting my girlfriend" +5670,0,Following is the chat between my two friends last night F1 : Everyone look at the moon to spot Jupiter(yesterday Jupiter was visible for naked eye) F2 : I would rather look at Jupiter to spot Jupiter +5671,1,"A woman goes to her gynecologist and takes all her kids with her. ""Doctor, I need your help, I keep getting pregnant!"" ""Have you tried using condoms?"" ""Yes, and Timmy was the result."" ""The pill?"" ""Tried it, and here's Madison."" ""An IUD then."" ""I got one, and then I had little Johnny here."" ""All right, how about you just stop having sex with your husband?"" ""Meet Hannah."" " +5672,0,"I saw a cute homeless lady today So I went up to her and asked if I could if I could take her home back to my place. To which she turned around and gave me the middle finger and called me an asshole. I left in a hurry before she could yell at me more and then said to myself “wow that was uncalled for, I just wanted her cardboard box.”" +5673,3,How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream +5674,1,"Single Father If you are a single father and have only one kid, then does having two kids make you a double father? --my 18 year old daughter just thought this one up, and since I was reading r/jokes, I had to post it." +5675,3,"A ghost says to his ghostfriend.. ""I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.."" ""Why not?"" Asked the ghost-friend. ""Because I've lost every other one!"" He cries sullenly. ""I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!"" ""..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!"" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation. Smug, the ghost friend said; ""That's the spirit!""" +5676,0,How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What? We get to screw in LIGHTBULBS? +5677,1,I just deleted all the germans from my contact list. My phone is Hans-free. +5678,2,My new years resolution is the same as last year. 1920x1080 +5679,5,"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over." +5680,0,What do you call a bunch of masturbating cows? Beef circle jerky +5681,2,King Hamlet wanted an estimate of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark. So he called his friend Horatio. +5682,0,"How to lose weight while still eating fast food? Buy food from England, you tend to lose a few pounds. " +5683,1,Why are smart people so smelly? Because genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. (My son made this up) +5684,0,I wrote a book about poltergeists It flew off the shelves +5685,0,"A blind man walks into a bar. He hears a man speaking next to him. So he says, ""Hey do you want to hear a blonde joke?"" The man says, "" Sir, I myself am blonde and weigh 250 pounds, the bartender is also blonde and is well built, and there are a couple of blonde men seated at the table behind us and look like the type you wouldn't want to mess with. Do you still want to tell the joke?"" The blind man says, ""No that's fine. I don't want to explain the joke so many times.""" +5686,3,What's the difference between a C4 and a feminist? The C4 does something when it's triggered. +5687,4,Looks like I just lost an electron... I need to keep a better ion them +5688,0,What do you call a deer with no eyes? What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye-deer +5689,3,"(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, ""Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back"", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, ""Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise"". So Tony Blair goes, ""No worries, one of our Special Forces will grab it for us"", and he asks one to go get it. He tells him, ""Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise"". So Mubarak tells a soldier to jump in the Nile and get it. The soldier jumps without hesitation, he fights the crocodiles and almost gets killed but manages to bring the ball back to shore. Amazed, Clinton and Blair run to him and ask why he threw himself into the Nile when asked. He says, ""I have a family and kids I want to raise""." +5690,1,"Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all. " +5691,1,"I'm way too childish. I should stop saying ""That's what she said"" ""That's hard Michael"" ""THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID""" +5692,2,What's the difference between a 4 year old and 4 kilos of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let 4 kilos of cocaine fall out of a 49th-story window. +5693,3,"The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?” The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?” Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.” “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus. “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!” “Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!" +5694,1,"What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common? They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist." +5695,0,What's the difference between a jew and a bullet? The bullet moves after leaving the chamber. +5696,2,"Joel Osteen dies and goes to Heaven. He looks up at the big pearly gates and immediately recognizes where he is. He waits for a while but no one comes to greet him. Beyond the gates, he hears a band performing a concert between deafening cheers of the crowd and other indications of general merriment. He looks around but cannot find anyone or any way around the gates. He notices a sign that reads: ""This way to Hell - Warning! One Way Only!"" and chuckles to himself. Hours turn into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and years. Eventually, he gives up and walks toward the sign. He starts descending down a flight of stairs when suddenly they give way and he falls straight down to Hell. He dusts himself off, shivering due to the ice cold temperature. He looks up from where he fell and immediately realizes that there is no way to climb back up. He is trapped here now for eternity. He shouts out as loudly as he can if anyone is there and can hear him. A large, looming blue figure comes out of the icy abyss and greets him. ""Oh my God, it is Lucifer!"" Joel shouts. ""Okay Joel, first of all, God isn't going to do anything for you right now so you can just stop. Secondly, I am not Lucifer, I am Satan. If you actually read your Bible you would know the difference."" ""Why the hell are you so blue?! Where is the fire and brimstone?"" ""Don't you think I have tried to start a fire up in this bitch? It is cold here because we are far away from God's love. I take it you aren't a Duke fan?"" ""What the hell does that have to do with anything? Where is everyone else?"" ""They are all in Heaven."" ""What? Everyone? Even Hitler? Stalin? Ghengis Khan?"" ""Yes, everyone. Why are you so surprised? Do you actually think God would give me, the Lord of the Underworld, access to human souls and rule over them?"" ""Well, how come I couldn't get into Heaven then? The gates were closed and no one came to let me in!"" ""Well Joel, the gates of Heaven have never been sealed. You just never asked them to open it. But hey, I spoke to them on your behalf and they are open now for you.""" +5697,0,What's the best part about having sex with a gilf? You can finger her and grab her titties with one hand at the same time. ;) +5698,0,"If the actor who played John Wick got a group of people together for a bank heist... ...would the news call the group ""Keanu's Thieves""?" +5699,1,What did the thief cat steal from the lady cat? Her purrrse. +5700,1,"Donald Trump parked his brand new Porsche Donald Trump parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The Donald immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again. After Trump finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief. ""I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are,"" he said ""You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!"" ""How can you say that?"" asked the Donald, angrily. The policeman replied, ""Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the truck hit you!"" Donald Trump looked down in absolute horror. ""Fucking Hell!"" he screamed... ""Where's my Rolex!?""" +5701,1,Why won't prostitutes sleep with Harrison Ford? Because they don't want to be known as a Ford escort. +5702,0,What do Maroon 5 and Jack Reacher have in common? They both spend all their money on payphones. +5703,0,"Papa Smurf is interrogating all the smurfs of the village because Smurfette is pregnant. He asks them one by one:""Did you use a condom?"", each one he asks says yes. After 15 minutes of interrogation a voice can be heard from the crowd: "" I HATE CONDOMS! "" Edit: Damn you guys really never watched the Smurfs. " +5704,4,"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care." +5705,2,I beat Anorexia today People keep coming up with weirder names for their children. +5706,0,Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes the best milkshakes? Because he uses the best ingredients. +5707,2,"Sexy and I know it.... And now so do you! Don't really want to brag too much about it, but I am so sexy that even my towel gets wet when I step out of the shower!" +5708,0,"If someone enjoys bondage, and they hang themselves... Does that mean they died from having a kink in their neck?" +5709,1,"Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course? A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain ""Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."" DOCTOR: ""Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."" WOMAN: ""You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."" DOCTOR: ""No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."" WOMAN: ""Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.""' DOCTOR (in anger): ""No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."" WOMAN (still screaming in pain): ""On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."" DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):""Which one?"" WOMAN (innocently): ""How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.""" +5710,3,"Little Johnnie and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnnie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walks up to him and says, ""Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."" Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ""Well Johnnie, you are only 12. Where will you two live?"" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replies, ""In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."" Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ""Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."" Again, Johnnie instantly replies, ""Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."" Mr. Smith is impressed Johnnie has put so much thought into this.""Well Johnnie, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"" Little Johnnie just shrugs his shoulders and says, ""Well, we've been lucky so far."" " +5711,0,"My GF's friends called her a pancake She asked me if I knew why. Apparently, ""cause you're flat"" wasn't the answer" +5712,1,"What's a pirate's favorite letter? Tis the ""c""" +5713,0,"The past, present and future all rush in a bar. Time was of the essence." +5714,8,"A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar Bartender says, ""We don't do jokes in here."" The chicken says, ""Come on guys I know a place across the street.""" +5715,1,I've got a sense of déjà vu It seems like last year was only yesterday. +5716,2,What's an anti-vaccer's favorite game? Marco Polio +5717,1,The only females I attract... are mosquitoes +5718,2,Despair. What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling. +5719,0,What does your wife and my car have in common? After a long day of riding I fill 'em both up. +5720,0,Heard the place kong skull island was burnt down. It was the veit cong +5721,7,How does a racist joke start? With a small loan of a million dollars +5722,2,What do you call white riot A protest +5723,1,What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy? Reggae-Toni +5724,3,You know the razor blade works... if there are no reviews for it on Amazon. +5725,0,"Two hookers were riding around town Two hookers were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said, ''TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.'' A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that moment, another car passed with a sign saying, ''JESUS SAVES.'' The hookers asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, ''Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion.'' So the two ladies took their sign down and drove off. The following day the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read, ''TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.'' " +5726,1,If a penis makes an irrelevant point in an argument... It's called a logical phallusy. +5727,1,How do you change a plane's tires while it's flying? You high jack it. +5728,0,"The Lord said unto John, ""Come forth and receive eternal life."" But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster." +5729,5,Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her? ...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes. +5730,1,"A rabbit and a bear A bear was fishing with his rabbit friend, After a while of fishing they caight a fish, just before the bear was about to eat it the fish started talking, ""Please dont eat me, Im a magic fish and ill grant you 3 wishes each if you spare me"" The bear and the rabbit agreed, so the bear started with his first wish ""I want you to make all the male bears in this forest to dissapear, I want to be the only male bear in this forest."" The fish granted his wish went on to the rabbit and asked him what he wants to wish for. The rabbit wished for a nice looking motorcycle helmet. The fish granted his wish and gave him a nice cool motorcycle helmet. He once again asked the bear what he would like to wish for. After a little thinking, the bear said ""I want to be the only male bear in this entire country"" The fish granted his wish and made him the only male bear in the country. The fish asked the rabbit for his second wish and the rabbit replied ""I want a really cool and fast motorcycle"" The fish granted his wish once again and and gave him a cool and fast motorcycle, and then went back to the bear and asked him about his last wish. The bear proudly told the fish his last wish, "" I want to be the only male bear on the entire earth. I want to be able to do whatever I want with the female bears"" The fish once again granted his wish and asked the Rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit got on his motorcycle and smiled. He then said "" I want the bear to become gay"" And drove away really fast" +5731,2,What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs +5732,1,"Over 2000 Dead Crows Found on Highways The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentage of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""cah"", not a single one could shout ""bike.""" +5733,1,Next week is national diarrhoea awareness week It runs to Sunday +5734,1,What do you call fourteen rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hareline. +5735,2,"Teacher: Who can tell me what are the best flammable materials? Jewish kid: Me Me Me Teacher: ok, what else?" +5736,5,"Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum... One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him. The doctor later meets the saviour and says ""we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night"". The man smiles and confidently says ""oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!""" +5737,5,I like my women like my coffee Preferably no pubic hair +5738,1,Low self esteem group meeting Please use the back door +5739,3,"Logical nun! There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. " +5740,3,HOW DOES MOSES MAKE HIS TEA? HEBREWS IT +5741,3,"How to get new business A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ""Love"" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. ""I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"" ""But why?"" asks the man. ""I'm a divorce lawyer."" " +5742,2,"Do I know you? A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher.”" +5743,1,The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says... 'Make me one with everything...' +5744,2,"V Sorry, lost control their." +5745,1,"What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago? Mine is ""Gunshots Or Fireworks?""" +5746,2,How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One! - We are very efficient. And this is not a joke. +5747,1,"A pianist setup in a Subway terminal... was playing beautiful music but suddenly stopped when this weird looking kid with a dunce cap leaves. I didn't think much of it but the next day I was in the same area and the same thing happened: beautiful music until weird looking kid with dunce cap leaves. I approached the accomplished musician and said to him, ""why do you cease playing when that weird looking kid with the dunce cap leaves?"" To which he responded, ""Sir, I simply cannot play piano without my metro gnome.""" +5748,7,"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me? ""I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize.""" +5749,3,"My wife accused me of being addicted to drinking brake fluid. I said ""maybe, but I can stop whenever I want.""" +5750,2,I wish my parents ran when they heard The Rolling Stones. Now they're stuck under a pile of rocks. +5751,8,"One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected ... BAAM ! ! ! I'll fuck their boyfriends" +5752,0,"You have heard of the Grim Reaper, who collects the souls of the dead, but have you heard of his lesser known brother who puts the souls on earth? They call him the Cheerful Sower. " +5753,0,How to know if your acne is getting out of hand? The blind starts reading your face +5754,3,"My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said ""you mean a *clothes* shop?"" He says, ""No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook.""" +5755,0,My plecostomus died. I've never had much luck with those suckers. +5756,0,"What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, pick a cod." +5757,1,"I recently took up cheesemaking All my friends were like, ""No whey!""" +5758,0,"Bookmark Joke Today my son asked ""Can I have a book mark?"" and I burst into tears. ​ 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. ​ (FYI I don't have a son and my name isn't Brian)" +5759,5,Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until they speak. +5760,0,Korean had a dinner with the neighbor teen in the restaurant. But he was arrested for the statutory rape. Why? Because he ordered girl licks +5761,1,What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Alickalotofpuss +5762,3,Why didn't Jesus play hockey? He was afraid he would get nailed to the boards +5763,1,What do you call the horse that lives next door? You Neigh-bor +5764,0,What do you call two hookers with two legs? Two amputee hookers +5765,0,"Told by my Brother at breakfast A mom was downstairs cooking dinner when she heard a loud bang come from her sons room upstairs. ""Is everything okay?!"" She called up. ""Yea my shirt just fell,"" he said. The mom says, ""Are you sure? That was pretty loud to be a shirt."" The son says,"" Yea but I was in it when it fell.""" +5766,2,"I was gonna play Zelda via online emulator, but didn't wanna close the site I was on... ...so I clicked ""open Link in New Tab""." +5767,1,Did you hear the one about the guy who got his left side cut off? He's all right now. +5768,1,"After entering a limbo competition, Paul walks into a bar He lost" +5769,3,A communist joke is only funny if everyone gets it +5770,4,Saudi Arabia is on the UN Human Rights Committee. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA +5771,6,"A thief broke into my house last night He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him." +5772,0,"Man: Hi, do you want to dance? Woman: Yeah, sure! Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend! " +5773,0,What's the difference between a key and a scale? That's easy. One unlocks a door and the other tells you you're fat. +5774,1,"The tenant calls furiously his landlord... Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully. **Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house?? **Landlord**: I'm not following you. What seems to be the problem? **T**: Are you kidding me? This place is a living zoo, all sorts of pests and bugs keep me company day and night. This is a glorious breeding ground, I'm not even sure who should pay the rent, me or the bugs? **L**: I'm shocked at what you say, I'm sure you are overreacting. Surely its not the cleanest place around but as I see this right now, it looks very clean... **L**: Really? Watch this... The tenant takes a small piece of cheese, moves to the center of the room and lets it drop to the ground. The very moment the small piece bounces to the ground, the place bloats in spiders, cockroaches, mice, worms, ants and every other living creature of nature coming out from everywhere. In a couple of seconds, the pests and cheese disappear and everything looks normal again. The landlord's dismay over that shocking view was evident and try to apologize. **L**: I'm so sorry, I really had no idea about this. I'll certainly cut down the rent you pay, hope this settles the problem for now perhaps? **T**: That's a good start. I have to go now to eat something outside, I can't really eat in here, no food survives. **L**: Good... I have one more question before you go... what's about this fish at the roof over there??? **T**: Oh this... I'll talk about humidity another day..." +5775,0,"This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, ""Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."" So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday. Damn, this is a great country! " +5776,2,"Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime." +5777,2,My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot It got so bad that I finally had to take away his bike +5778,0,What does Orca meat taste like? Porca +5779,1,"Daaaamn, girl. You're like my appendix... Because I dont understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me wanna take you out." +5780,1,BREAKING NEWS All the toilets were stolen from the police station..... And they have nothing to go on. +5781,4,"1,000 Men Were Recently Surveyed About Women 10% of the men surveyed liked women with thin legs. 15% of the men surveyed preferred women with muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between. " +5782,1,I always turn the negatives into positives to make myself feel better The only problem is every one of my Exes now have aids +5783,1,"People like paying extra to make things less bad Take going to the gym. You still have to exercise no matter which one you go to, but people pay extra for jacuzzi tubs and fancy lotions that help distract you. Or flying first class! Are you still stuck in a giant pressure tube? Of course! But at least you can stretch out and knock back a few. So with that in mind Your Honor, I plead Not Guilty on the charge of soliciting a prostitute for my prostate exam." +5784,3,My girl asked if I will ever stop listening to Oasis I said maybe... +5785,1,Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed... It was a large scale operation. +5786,1,What did the drummer say about his favorite drum set? Now THAT’S a drum set I can get behind! ... buh dum cschhhhhhhh +5787,2,My friend was recently blinded in an horrific skiing accident... So please comment with your best cyclops/pirate/one eyed jokes so I can simultaneously cheer him up & take the p*ss (This aint a joke) +5788,1,A bartender walks into a bar... He then declared it open for the day +5789,0,"Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer is dead. Reports show he was flying over Barcelona today, when the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane" +5790,1,"Last week I went to the AT&T headquarters in Dallas to file a formal complaint about their poor wireless coverage When I walked into the lobby no one was there. There was a front desk with a few phones and computers. Taped to the back of one of the monitors was a note: ""Currently no receptionist in this area""" +5791,1,"Donald Trump has made another controversial pardon with this year’s turkey Personally, I’m just glad he finally gave Peas a chance. " +5792,0,"Guy is driving a highway and decides to stop at a motel He looks for signs and sees a billboard saying ""motel for blacks only"". The guy is very tired from driving so he decides to use shoe polish on his face to look like he's black. Then he enters the motel. Receptionist doesn't notice he's disguise so guy gets he's room. Then before getting to sleep he asks receptionist to wake him up at 8 am. In the morning receptionist wake the man and he continues he's trip. After a long drive the man is tired again. Decides to stop at another motel and notices a billboard saying ""whites only motel"". Man starts removing the shoe polish but it's not getting off. - Damn receptionist woke up the wrong guy! (Sorry for any inconvenience, English is not my relative)" +5793,0,"I don't always eat breakfast... But when I do, I prefer ""dos eggies.""" +5794,0,Which small drink is a favorite of Minneapolis residents? Mini soda +5795,1,"Black names Once you’ve heard one, you’ve heard Jamal" +5796,0,How to make Canada great again Step 1: Elect Donald Trump as the president. (check) Step 2: Let there be an exodus of Americans to Canada. Step 3: Wait for Canadians to react towards unbearable immigration rate. Step 4: Let another Trump like figure rise in Canada who talk about building a wall to keep Americans away. Step 5: Wait for his victory. This method will bring back all the Americans back to America and probably some Canadians which would lead to a creation of a loop. +5797,1,Why are truck drivers always in accidents? Because they are semi drivers. +5798,5,I'm holding an charity event for people who can't orgasm. Please let me know if you can't come. +5799,0,"A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bar tender notices the parrot and says “that’s impressive, where’d you get it from?” The parrot reply’s; “Africa”" +5800,10,Making love to a woman is like playing a violin… I don't know how to do it… +5801,0,What's the difference between pink and purple? Grip. +5802,0,"A man and his five year old son are walking in to the woods. The deeper they get the darker it gets. The boy grabs his father's hand tightly. ""Wow Dad, this is so scary"". The father shivers. ""You're telling me son. I have to walk out of here by myself""." +5803,0,"Yo mama so stupid she never passed her Algebra 1 final She couldn't even get pass the first question, Name____" +5804,3,I got a new bumper sticker the other day. It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.' I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though. +5805,0,Guess what Johnny English found when he collected a pod in the snow... Moist Bean! +5806,1,"Lady asked her doctor, ""My husband has taken to eating dog food. It's bland, boring and it's helping him lose a ton of weight. Cheap too."" ​ The doctor told her that it wouldn't harm him, as long as he took a multivitamin to replace the C and B vitamins that are deficient in dog food. Six months later, he saw her in the grocery store, ""How's your husband doing on the dog food diet?"" ""He died."" ""What! Really? The food shouldn't have caused that."", the doc replied. ""Oh no"" she told him. ""He was crossing the street, and got run over by a car when he stopped to lick his balls""" +5807,10,A bad workman blames his fools... **EDIT: tools** ...stupid keyboard... +5808,6,I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately. +5809,2,"Drinking can cause memory loss. Or even worse, memory loss." +5810,3,"Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true. ""Yes,"" he replied. ""Can pilots fly?""" +5811,0,"What sound does a dove make before taking over the government? Coup, coup!" +5812,0,What do you call a joke about a female relative married to your uncle? An Aunty-Joke +5813,0,"A woman walks onto a bus A woman walks onto a bus holding her child in her arms, the bus driver stops her and says, I'm sorry ma'am, no animals on the bus. The woman says, how dare you, this is my child! The woman walks down the Isle and takes a seat next to a man and says, can you believe that bus driver? He made fun of my child! I should go and tell him off. The man says alright go ahead, but first let me hold your monkey." +5814,2,"The hospital just called me and said it looks like my wife got hit by a car. I told them I married her for her personality, not her looks." +5815,4,"In the locker room after the game... The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on. His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, ""Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"" Dennis replies, ""Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car.""" +5816,1,Why won't shrimp share its treasure? Because it is shellfish +5817,2,Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet +5818,1,How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. +5819,0,afraid Alone in my room and and thinking someone is also there lol. +5820,1,Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020 It's about time. +5821,0,"That was really good boo boo These two people match up on tinder and get to chatting, after a bit she agrees to a date and he goes and picks her up. Everything is going great so he invites her back to his place and she agrees. Before you know it both of them are naked and getting it on, after finishing they just laid there panting. She says ""Mmm that was really good boo boo"" He looks at her funny and says ""boo boo?"" She says ""yeah, that's what I call all my boyfriends"" ""ah..."" he mutters ""well what do you call your girlfriends, boo boo?"" He thinks for a second and says ""I like to call them an uber so I can roll over and get some sleep"" " +5822,3,I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense... ...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood. I bet no one touched the meatballs. +5823,0,So when The Master regenerated as a woman she changed her name to 'The Mistress'... Does this mean when The Doctor regenerates as a woman she's going to change her name to 'The Nurse-Practitioner'? +5824,5,You've gotta hand it to short people sometimes... Cause they can't reach. +5825,2,How do Germans sneeze? Achtung +5826,10,"There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun... The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, ""Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."" Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. ""Now hold these in both hands,"" he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, ""Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun.""" +5827,4,How do you get your wife to scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it. +5828,2,"One day the grim reaper came to a man and said ""your time has come"" the man begged and plead so the grim reaper gave him another year to live. after the year was over the reaper returned but the man was in an airplane. he once again said ""your time has come"". the man said ""you cant take me now. what about all these innocent people. they dont deserve to die"". ""are you kidding me?"" said the reaper. ""you know how difficult it way for me to get all of you on the same fucking plane?!""" +5829,2,Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew both of them +5830,2,Why is incest a bad thing? Haven't we all been inside our mothers? +5831,3,How do you stop a gambling addict from gambling? Make a bet. They won't refuse. +5832,0,"I entered ""my dick"" as a password for a new account I was trying to make. It told me my password was too short. " +5833,0,"One day a French guy is in a bar and sees a pretty girl He goes up to the pretty girl and says ""excusez-moi mademoiselle, but can I stick my fingair in your belly-bouton?"" She looks at him angrily and says ""No!"" The Frenchman walks away. A little bit later he goes up to her again and says ""excusez-moi mademoiselle, but I would really like to stick my fingair in your belly-bouton."" The girl gets even madder and yells ""NO!"" much louder. The Frenchman walks away again. Later the Frenchman goes up to her a third time and says ""excusez-moi, mademoiselle, but I REALLY REALLY WANT to stick my fingair in your belly-bouton! May I PLEASE S'IL VOUS PLAIT stick my fingair in your belly-bouton?"" The girl finally gives up and goes ""All right, fine! We'll go to the bathroom in the back and we'll get it over with."" When they're in the bathroom, the Frenchman tells the pretty girl to close her eyes when he does it. She closes her eyes. Then she feels something she didn't expect. She opens her eyes suddenly and gasps and goes ""OH! That's not my belly-bouton!"" And the Frenchman says ""Oui oui, that's not my fingair!""" +5834,2,A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil. It turned into a Chris Pratt +5835,4,"You murder one pizza delivery driver, and then you have to murder another pizza delivery driver. That's the domino effect" +5836,2,What do you call jokes about eyes? Vitreous humor. +5837,3,What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when they bumped into each other Well it’s not my fault! +5838,4,"My buddy said, ""It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."" I replied, ""Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?""" +5839,0,"2 friends met after a long time. Guy1: how's life buddy? Guy 2: vlzdgjtxhhvcdyi Guy1: I don't understand. Guy 2: yeah, neither do I. " +5840,3,Asked my friend why he got wasted in a gay bar He said he wasn't thinking straight. +5841,2,"A mathematician, a biologist and a statistician sat at a bar Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child. The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have. Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a simple reproduction and the man and the woman made this child. You're all hopeless, said the mathematician. Obviously, when someone enters the house it will be empty." +5842,1,"An 18 year old kid is preparing for college and is talking with his older brother about what to expect. Younger brother: ""Is college really like they say big bro? Like sex with lots and lots of different women, and cool parties and stuff? Or is that all kind of a myth and guys are basically just hanging out in their dorms and masturbating?"" Big Brother: ""Well that really depends, I suppose. Hopefully i taught you how to have enough game that your experience will be like the former, but for a lot of guys it's like the latter."" Little Brother: ""Yeah that's what I'm worried about, I'm on Amazon and I can't decide if I should get 100 boxes of condoms, or 100 boxes of tissues.""" +5843,5,"Great Mystery Newsboy : ""Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"" Passerby : ""Here boy, I'll take one"" (After reading a moment) ""Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"" Newsboy : ""That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim""." +5844,0,Why was the prom king relieved when he got to the drinks table? Because there was no punch line +5845,0,"What's better then 69? 77, because you get eight more!" +5846,2,I got a sexual harasser fired today Is anyone hiring right now? Im a very hands on learner. +5847,1,Why was there a gamete in the commercial on TV? Because sex cells +5848,4,I got fired from the calendar factory. Why? Because I took a day off +5849,1,The Point of A Conference Call A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. +5850,1,What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor. +5851,5,"What armor is best for sneaking around? Leather, since it's made of hide" +5852,0,"Talking to my Grandpa When he said ""your generation relies too much on technology"" I then said "" no grandpa yours does"" Then I unplugged his life support." +5853,2,What's bigger than the sun but still fits into your house? Your Mom +5854,6,"A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”" +5855,1,"OC from my 13 year old: I heard the quality of the pastries in New Orleans has gone down. They've been yay before, but not anymore. " +5856,0,I woke up this morning to the maid beating on my door So I finally let her out. +5857,2,"Two elephants in the wild come across a naked man. After a bit of thinking one elephant turns to the other and says ""How the hell is he supposed to eat with THAT?!""" +5858,2,"Crazy girls are like a street vendor's kebab Hot, jucy, and dangerous." +5859,2,The Bible is a great read. That ending - I did not see it coming. Or that second coming. +5860,0,"Alabamians have the most sex on Thanksgiving It's usually a family reunion, afterall." +5861,0,"I pirated a copy of ""Legally Blonde"" today. It was Illegally Blonde." +5862,0,A muslim walks into a therapist's office. After listening to his story and evaluating him the therapist arrives at the conclusion. His habits are self-destructive. +5863,1,I used to think that a shag pile is a type of carpet. It turns out that it's a type of friend. +5864,1,"By taking into account this year's string of sexual accusations, I can say with confidence that... ...it was nice knowing you Mr. Claus. But seriously, why that elf???" +5865,0,What do you call a Mexican wrestler who is also a soul singer? Lucha Vandross +5866,0,"A bunch of euros walk into a bar... The Englishman ducks, but the rest stay on course..." +5867,0,"When the Christians began to aggressively colonize Africa, you could say... Someone blessed the raids down in Africa " +5868,0,What do Canadians drink when celebrating? Chardonn-eh +5869,0,My friend started Dungeon and Dragons group in Saudi Arabia... It's called '72 virgins'. +5870,1,What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet? A Tor-ant +5871,1,How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Nevermind. They can't change anything +5872,5,"I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says ""Eye care for you""" +5873,1,You know what the hardest part about eating a vegetable is? The wheelchair. +5874,2,I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless. I think I need a flatter dog. +5875,0,"What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill? Walking JK, Rolling." +5876,1,"A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua. The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years. The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he begins composing a mental list all the things he will never be able to enjoy again.... wine...women...song... By far the most painful thing to accept is that he will never have sex with a woman again. One day, sitting at the fire beside the little dog, the man's eyes widen abruptly and he looks up the side of the mountain at the herd of sheep. ""Why, yes, why not? Who would ever know?"" He goes up the mountain, picks out a particularly docile looking ewe, walks up behind her and lowers his trousers. Just as he does so the Chihuahua begins yapping frantically, dancing around him, and nipping at his ankles. Nothing he does or says will make the dog stop. After several minutes of trying to quiet the Chihuahua he gives up on the ewe. The mood is spoiled. He tries again, multiple times over the next few weeks and months, but it's always the same. The Chihuahua is always underfoot, driving him to distraction. Eventually he abandons the idea entirely. One day, out on the horizon, he sees a ship going down--same reef that doomed his ship. He watches it sink, there's nothing he can do. The next day while walking the beach searching through the debris that is washing up he discovers a woman, half in/half out of the water, barely alive. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen! He quickly clears the sand and seaweed from her mouth and restores her breathing. He carries her back to his camp and nurses her carefully. She is unconscious for several days. When at last she is awake and able to speak she looks him over and says,"" I am so grateful for all you have done for me...you saved my life...I don't know if I can ever repay you, but I want you to know that I will do anything to try...and I do mean anything..."" The man thinks for a moment, then his eyes widen abruptly, and he asks,"" Would you mind babysitting this Chihuahua for about 5 minutes?""" +5877,0,Are you sure you're the Falcons? And not the *Falcants?* +5878,1,What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Rubberto +5879,0,"How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb? One after breakfast, one after dinner." +5880,1,What do Labour supporters and trickle down economics have in common? They don't work. +5881,1,It seems like everything is made in China... ...except for babies. They're made in VaChina +5882,0,What’s the difference between a man and a woman? A woman wants everything from one man while a man wants one thing from every woman. +5883,1,Have you ever heard that joke about german sausages? It's the wurst. +5884,0,"Three math teachers are talking about their favorite kinds of angles The first one says, ""I like right angles, they are the easiest to work with"", The second teacher says "" I prefer acute angles"", The last teacher says,""I don't care what kind of angles they are as long as they are not 180."" *If you know what i mean.*" +5885,1,I just found out what IYKYK means guess i didn't +5886,1,Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies +5887,1,"A Cardinal enters the Pope's residence. ""Your Holiness, I have some very good news and some very bad news"", he says. ""My son, I've had a hard day. Please give me the good news first to cushion the bad news."" The Pontiff requests. ""Your Holiness, I just received a phone call from Jesus and he has returned to Earth to bring The Kingdom of God!"" ""Glorious! Glorious!"" Shouts the Pope. """"It's finally the day we've awaited for millennia! Now what bad news could possibly dampen that good news?"" ""Well your Holiness, he was calling from Salt Lake City....""" +5888,6,"An American Indian chief took three wives... To the first, he gave a buffalo hide. To the second, he gave a deer hide. But for the third, his favorite, he sent a brave far away, across land and water, to retrieve the rare and highly coveted hide of the hippopotamus. Within a year, the first two squaws had each borne the Indian chief a son. In their honor, they were moved into a spacious, comfortable tepee. The third squaw, though childless, was also moved into another spacious tepee. The first two squaws complained bitterly of this inequity. They, who had borne sons for the chief, had to share a tent, while the third and childless squaw got one to herself. So the chief explained: ""The sons of the squaws of the two hides are equal to the squaw of the hippopotamus.""" +5889,3,Accidentally used my wife's electric toothbrush... I don't remember her eating fish for lunch. +5890,5,"A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.  The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.  The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.  The blonde said, ""Awwww, I wish my friends were here.""" +5891,0,What do Grill Cosby and Grill Clinton have in common? Grape! +5892,6,"A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks. A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:""Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock."" Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, ""Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere."" The angel responds:""Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell."" The man asks:""Huh? Why is that?"" To which the angel responds:""It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."" " +5893,1,What's the worst problem an IT person who works at a sperm bank has to deal with? Sticky keys +5894,0,Why couldn't I call back a Bernie Sanders volunteer? Because they were using a Berner Phone. +5895,0,What do you call a demi-god with a booty that won't quit? Twerk-ules +5896,2,I’m going to give my boss a sweater and a dildo for Christmas That way if she doesn’t like the sweater she can go fuck herself +5897,0,What do you get when you slather honey on a computer? Honey com +5898,1,My cat won an award for her butt. It was a catastrophe. meow. I'll purr my way out. +5899,4,"My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills... ""Have you even listened to anything I said??"" is a very odd start to a conversation. " +5900,0,How does it feel to have your head separated from your body? It tears your apart. +5901,3,I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table. +5902,2,What did Cinderella say when say got to the ball? *choking sound* +5903,2,"Dark Joke My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?" +5904,2,Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They go through 50 stories in just a few seconds. +5905,0,Unloquacious Don’t use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity. +5906,1,I was confused as to why my interviewer gave me a blank stare when I told her my best quality was my flexibility.. I guess she's never seen a man put both his legs behind his head before. +5907,2,Dog Poem I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower. +5908,2,Just found out I passed my Hepatitis test today! I got a C! +5909,0,How can you accurately measure 2 inches? Stare at OP's penis. +5910,0,"If food additives could vote, they would support republicans. They are usually conservative." +5911,3,At what temperature are babies born? About womb temperature. +5912,0,What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs +5913,2,Why are there so few gay comedians? It's hard for them to keep a straight face. +5914,1,What is the stupidest type of steel in the world? Dumbasscus steel. +5915,1,What do you call a surgeon who is post-call? Surgeoff +5916,0,What's worse than having 10 babies nailed to a tree? One baby nailed to 10 trees... +5917,0,if a psychic midget escapes from prison would it be a small medium at large +5918,0,I went to a family butchershop today I asked them if they'd do mine +5919,5,"With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!" +5920,3,What did the ramp say to the man in a wheelchair? I'm inclined to help you get to where you need to go +5921,2,"A man who has been in the police force for 30 years A man who has been in the police force for 30 years decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a month. After living like this for a few years he hears a knock on his door, thinking it strange as the paper boy had come just the other week he opened it with caution to see a large, hairy man standing there. He explained to the ex-cop that he was his neighbor from 20 miles down and wished to invite him to a thanksgiving party. The cop replied ""Why not, I haven't seen any other people in quite a while."" The other man says to him ""Now I gotta warn ya, there'll be some fightin'"" the cop nodded and informed him that he had been a cop for 30 years, and it wasn't an issue. ""There'll be some eatin'"" the cop again tells him it won't be an issue. ""There'll be some fuckin'"" the cop explains he hasn't felt the touch of a woman in a while, so again no problem. With that the man begins to leave but the cop stops him, and asks him ""What should I wear?"" The man replies, ""What does it matter? It'll just be the two of us!""" +5922,1,"Apparently, when someone tells you that your girlfriend is attractive... you're not supposed to ask, ""Which one?""" +5923,0,"Avery Brooks, who played Captain Benjamin ""Ben"" Sisko on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, is the only actor never to appear on the front cover of Star Trek magazine... You could say...he has Ben **Black**listed, jew to whitewashing on behalf of the magazine's Jewish editors and writers." +5924,6,"What did Chuck Norris tell his father before he went off to college? ""you're the man of the house now""" +5925,0,Why are North/South/East/West the cardinal directions? Because Northeast/Southeast/Northwest/Southwest are the bishop directions. +5926,1,I had a stroke of genius this morning And now my genius is paralyzed +5927,2,"A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath ""Mom"" he asked, ""are these my brains?"" ""Not yet, son""." +5928,3,What is brown and rhymes with “snoop”? Dr. Dre +5929,4,"How many gays can you put on a barstool? Four, if you put it upside down. Credit to my gay friend Wheezie." +5930,0,"The story of how I got AIDS So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right? And I'm thinking to myself, ""She's PROBABLY got AIDS."" So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I'm positive. This gets me thinking, ""Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"" ""Who has my sister been hanging out with?!""" +5931,2,Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school. They say it totally rocks. +5932,0,Courtney Love I bet Courtney Love wishes that musical greatness was sexuality transmitted. +5933,1,"A married couple enjoys S&M One friend tells another, ""My wife and I are into S&M now and the sex is better than it's ever been."" ""Really,"" his long time friend asked. You're into that?” ""Yeah. She snores and I masturbate.”" +5934,1,"The Pink Gorrilla This is the story of the pink gorilla. There's these two guys. They're both teachers, and they work at the same school. One is an Anthropology teacher. The other is a Historian. They are both given a sabbatical. For those of you who don't know, a sabbatical is a paid vacation for teachers. They are paid to take time off teaching, but they have to do research to better their knowledge, to better their teaching. Got it? Good. So, both teachers are given a sabbatical. And, they're very good friends. So, they decide, on this sabbatical they will travel to far reaches of Africa to do some History research and some Anthropology research (Anthropology is the study of human nature). They decide that's what they're going to do. So, they go running down the stairs in their apartment building. *clop-clop-clop-clop* They get into a taxi-cab. *err...err....err* They get to the airport. They go through security. *beep-beep-beep-beep* And all that stuff, you know? They get on the plane. *woosh* Now they're in Africa. They get off the plane. They get on a little plane. *pt..pt...pt...pt* They fly over this tiny little village. The get off the tiny little plane, and there's this Jeep waiting right there for them - with their name on it. So, they get in the Jeep. *zh-zhoom* And they start driving down the road. They're going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...They're seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. Then, they get to this little pygmy village. So, they get out and ask the pygmies, ""What is something just great to see here, where we are?"" They say, ""Well, our rather hit attraction would be a pink gorilla."" ""A pink gorilla?! No way! You're totally lying!"" The pygmies are like, ""No, actually you just go down this road, take a left turn, then turn right into a big cave."" So, they get back in the Jeep (which starts right up). *zhoom* So they're going down the road; they're going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...They're seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They make their left turn. They're still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...They're seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They get to this cave! It's got this giant steel door. So they open the steel door. There's this big wooden door. They open the wooden door. There's another wooden door. They open that wooden door. There's this long row of colored doors - orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, they start going through all these doors. They're going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close. They get through all the doors. There's a big pool of water, and right next to it is some scuba gear. So they put on the scuba gear and dive in. So, they're swimming....swim, swim, swim.....deep water.....swim, swim, swim....very deep water....swim, swim, swim....very, very deep water....Finally, they see another way out, so they swim towards that and get out of the water. They see the pink gorilla! All it's doing is sitting there, completely still. And so, they're observing the pink gorilla. They're taking pictures of it. They're writing down every move he makes - which isn't very many 'cause all he's doing is sitting there, completely still. It's kinda boring, but hey - it's a pink gorilla! The entire time they're watching the pink gorilla, there's one little thing the pygmies said that keeps flashing through they're mind. ""Don't touch the pink gorilla."" Now, they're like, ""Why can't we touch the pink gorilla? All he's doing is sitting there, completely still."" But, the Historian was rather smart. The Anthropologist, on the other hand, was like I wish I could get my hands on this thing. I could make a lot of money! So, the Anthropologist walks up and he's about to touch the pink gorilla. And the other guy grabs his hand and says, ""No! You heard what the pygmies said, 'Don't touch the pink gorilla.'"" But, the Anthropologist is just like, ""What could it do?"" The Historian manages to talk him out of touching it, and they keep taking pictures and writing notes about it's behavior - but there aren't very many 'cause all it's doing is sitting there, completely still. Finally, they're ready to leave. They put the scuba gear back on, and get back in the water. So, they're swimming again....swim, swim, swim.....very, very deep water.....swim, swim, swim....very deep water....swim, swim, swim....deep water....Finally, they see original surface, so they swim towards that and get out of the water. They start going through all the colored doors - orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, they start going through all these doors. They're going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open and close wooden door, open and close second wooden door, open and close steel door. They get in the Jeep, and it starts right up. *zhoom* They're going down the road; they're going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...They're seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They make their turn. They're still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...They're seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. They go through the pygmy village. They get to the little airport, get on the little plane. *pt..pt...pt...pt* It takes them to the bigger airport; they get on the bigger plane. *woosh* They get to back to the airport near home. They hail in a cab. They get in the cab. *err...err....err* They go up the stairs in the apartment building. *clop-clop-clop-clop* They're home! Well, the next semester, the Anthropologist, who is the more gutsy of the two, is awarded another sabbatical. So, in his devious mind he's thinking haha! I'm going to return to Africa, capture the pink gorilla, and make millions of dollars! So, he goes running down the stairs in the apartment building. *clop-clop-clop-clop* He gets into a taxi-cab. *err...err....err* He gets to the airport. He goes through security. *beep-beep-beep-beep* And all that stuff, you know? He gets on the plane. *woosh* Now he's in Africa. He gets off the plane. He gets on a little plane. *pt..pt...pt...pt* He flies over this tiny little village. He gets off the tiny little plane, and there's this Jeep waiting right there for him - with his name on it. So, he gets in the Jeep. *zh-zhoom* And he starts driving down the road. He's going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. He goes straight past the pygmy village. After all, he already knows where he's going. So he's going down the road; he's going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. He makes the left turn. He's still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. He gets to the cave! He opens the steel door. He opens the big wooden door. He opens the second wooden door. He goes through all the colored doors - orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, he's going through all these doors. He's going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close. He gets through all the doors. He puts on the scuba gear and dives into the water. So, he's swimming....swim, swim, swim.....deep water.....swim, swim, swim....very deep water....swim, swim, swim....very, very deep water....He gets out of the water. Okay...I've got to get this thing out of here. So, he reaches out towards the gorilla. The whole time the pygmies' warning is playing in the back of his mind. Don't touch the pink gorilla. He hesitates. And then... He touches the pink gorilla! The pink gorilla goes mad. He's like tearing the place apart! The guy screams. So, he throws on the scuba gear and jumps back into the water.....swim, swim, swim.....very, very deep water.....swim, swim, swim....very deep water....swim, swim, swim....deep water....The pink gorilla's swimming behind him! Finally, he gets out of the water. He starts going through all the colored doors - orange, purple, pink, chartreuse, salmon, every color you could ever think of. So, he's going through all these doors. He's going open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open, close, open and close wooden door, open and close second wooden door, open and close steel door. The pink gorilla is just bashing through all the doors. He jumps in the Jeep, and it starts right up. *zhoom* He's going down the road; he's going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...he's seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. The pink gorilla is just running along right behind him. He makes the turn. The gorilla turns, too. He's still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...he's seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. The pink gorilla is just running along right behind him. They go through the pygmy village. The pygmies are like, ""haha! We told you not to touch it!"" He's still going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...he's seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of - including a pink gorilla in the rear-view mirror. The pink gorilla is just running along right behind him. And all of sudden...the car sputters to a stop. So the guy jumps out of the car and starts running. He's going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...he's seeing all sorts of animals - elephants, giraffes, zebras, every kind of animal you could think of. The pink gorilla is running along right behind him going up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...Finally, the guy collapses. He just can't run any farther. He's just like, ""Whatever you do, just kill me quickly."" The gorilla walks up to him, reaches down, touches the guy, and says, ""Tag! You're it!"" and runs off down the road. " +5935,0,What fish tastes great with peanut butter? Jellyfish +5936,0,How did they know Lady Diana had dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the backseat. +5937,3,What should you do if your Wife tells you that she has AIDS? Act surprised. +5938,0,"The hunter saw a moose at a watering place. Aim at him. Shot. Nothing happened. Shot again. Elk drinks water calmly. Hunter shots again and again. Here the moose raises its head and says: But what the fuck?.. I drink and drink, and I get worse and worse." +5939,1,Someone stole my succulent plant. That was aloe move. +5940,3,My new bucket really does its job well. My old one pails in comparison. +5941,3,Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years? iDoubtit +5942,0,Knock knock. Who is there? Roseanne Roseanne who? +5943,5,"2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar.. They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want. Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything! So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second. Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 pints, and 2 shots of tequila! Because I'm even harder! The barman complies and makes the drinks. A few more moments pass with the barman listening to the 2 discussing who's the most tough, when suddenly the door opens and a tiny piece of tarmac walks through the door. Both slabs of concrete quickly jump behind the bar and cower, shaking, and hide. The tarmac walks up to the bar, and softly orders a small orange juice, drinks it then leaves, and the 2 slabs of concrete come back out from behind the bar. The barman notices all this and says "" hold on, I thought you 2 were the toughest around? Yet, terrified of that tiny piece of tarmac??"" Concrete 1 replies "" we may be tough yes, but the tarmac....that guys a cycle path!""" +5944,0,Why did the scarecrow win an award ? Because it was outstanding in it's field +5945,0,"My dad died on 9/11, I'll never forget his last words., says Ahmed ""What did he say?"", John asks. ""Allahu Akbar!""" +5946,2,Why did Hitler's SS soldiers love animals? They were all veteran aryans +5947,0,How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to take credit for it. +5948,0,"Two muffins were sitting in an oven The first muffin says ""Wow, it is getting hot in here."" The second replies ""HOLY F***, A TALKING MUFFIN!!""" +5949,5,I can sum up 2016 in four words Two thousand and sixteen +5950,1,"New routine Recently my mate started doing his morning workout on the 5:30 service from Norwich to London Liverpool Street. I asked him why. He said, ""no train, no gain""." +5951,0,"My favorite stupid medical joke. Read it out loud in your head. An experienced doctor and a resident are sitting at the bar near the hospital. The resident, always looking to form relationships with the higher-ups, asks the older doctor what his specialty is. ""Oh,"" shrugs the older doctor, more focused on his drink than anything else. ""I work with kidneys."" The resident furrows her brow, and asks: ""Nephrology? Or pediatric orthopedics?"" The older doctor requests another drink. ... (Kid-knees)" +5952,0,Americans Interested in Football! What a Soccer !! +5953,0,"Jewish mother prepares the basket with cookies for Jewish Little Red Riding Hood and gives her the following instructions: - When you come to granny, she will start complaining that the winter is just around the corner, the wind strikes through the cracks, the tap is leaking, there is a hole in the roof, there is no wood to burn in grade, she has no money at all… and so on and so forth. But you don’t listen to her and stick to your story: cookies with chocolate - $2, without chocolate – $1." +5954,3,"What's the difference between my kids and my socks? Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing." +5955,1,What do you call France without the Mediterranean? Frane. +5956,1,Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt. +5957,0,Whats the hottest pokemon in hollywood right now #mewtwo +5958,2,"The teacher asks little timmy... ...""There are three birds sitting on a tree. If i shoot one of them, how many are left?"" Timmy thinks for a while an says: ""None"" The teacher is upset: "" No, thats wrong, there are two left. Why do you think none are left?"" ""If i shoot at one bird, the other two will usually fly away."", replies Timmy. ""Still wrong Timmy, but i like the way you think"". After class, Timmy walks up to the teacher: ""I have a question for you: There are three women eating icecream. One is licking it,one is biting it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?"" The teacher thinks for a while and says ""I think the one sucking it."" Timmy replies: "" Thats wrong, it's the one with the ring on her finger. But i like the way you think.""" +5959,0,"A old man goes to see his doctor for a prostate exam... ""Hmmm, something doesn't feel quite right"" says the doctor Considering this for a moment, the old man says to him ""Would you mind using two fingers instead?"" ""Why on earth would I do that?!"" says the doctor, quite taken aback ""Well..."" says the old man ""...I'd like a second opinion""" +5960,6,"It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom... ... unless they're flashing behind you." +5961,4,I have a horse called Mayo. Mayo neighs. +5962,0,"George Michael has died today at the age of 53. Something, something... AIDS." +5963,2,I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee. +5964,1,Why is the Mars Rover banned from pet stores? Curiosity killed the cat. +5965,0,One time I farted and it sounded like the liberty bell It even had a crack in it +5966,0,Why Did Superman Save a Burning Chemistry Lab? He was trying to save Krypton +5967,1,Have you heard the joke about the Jonestown cult? The punchline is a real killer. +5968,0,My girlfriend is like the square root of 4... She's super fucking ugly +5969,1,If I had a nickle for every time I heard the word Diversity at the Oscars.. I still wouldn't give a shit. +5970,2,I’m so good at lucid dreaming I can do it in my sleep +5971,1,Top 10 Torture Devices Number 6 will shock you! +5972,0,What did the pepper shaker scream when the sodium chloride attacked it? A-SALT! +5973,6,"Genie: you have three wishes me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?" +5974,7,If your girlfriend starts smoking Slow down and start using a lubricant +5975,2,"What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? Hurdles, high jump and pole vault. " +5976,2,In 3 years I lost 180lbs... I told her to get the hell outta my house and never come back. +5977,0,Getting back with an ex is like putting poop back up your butthole It's always a shitty decision +5978,3,"A farmer's dilemma A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home after following her advice. On the way, he said, “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me… How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” Shocked, the farmer responded, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”" +5979,1,"what zodiac sign are you? ""dinosaur"" ""but this doesn't exist"". ""neither do others""" +5980,1,If there is one thing that I admire from a T.Rex It is that they’ll never stay arms-crossed. +5981,0,What is it called when someone does a really bad impression of Michael Sorrentino? A Shitty Situation. +5982,1,"Have you heard of the group that worships Mother Theresa? It's a nun prophet organization. I thought of this while thinking of tax exemptions for religious groups, hopefully no one has posted it here already :)" +5983,7,Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion Neutral As in Without an ion +5984,0,"If you could take only one thing on a plane, what would it be? A nap." +5985,2,"Tom, Dick, and Harry go to heaven...[long] St. Peter tells them ""There is only one rule in heaven, you must never, ever step on a duck or your eternity in paradise will be ruined. The men don't give it much thought and enter through the pearly gates. Much to their dismay, there are ducks everywhere. Hundreds of ducks are walking around. The men decide to explore heaven, doing their best to avoid the ducks as much as possible. Well only a few hours go by before Tom steps on a duck. St. Peter appears with the ugliest woman they had ever seen. He says ""For stepping on a duck, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this woman"" And he chains them together. Dick and Harry continue to explore, being extra careful to avoid any ducks. A few days pass before Dick steps on a duck. Just like before, St. Peter appears with a woman even uglier than the first. He says ""For stepping on a duck, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this woman"" And he chains them together. Harry is determined to be as careful as possible. He goes on by himself and gets quite good at avoiding ducks, several weeks pass until one day St. Peter appears, but this time he brings a beautiful, gorgeous woman. Harry exclaims ""Wow! What did I do to deserve this!?"" The woman replies, ""I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck""" +5986,0,Did you guys hear about the Terrorists in Italy? They call themselves the Italian Isis +5987,0,What is a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty. +5988,4,"I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door. “Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”" +5989,0,What's the difference between God and Donald Trump? God doesn't think he's Donald Trump! +5990,1,"Redux: what is the difference between my virginity and my will to live? Once you lose one, you likely won’t lose the other. " +5991,0,Where's the biggest shopping center in Europe? Malldova +5992,2,I'm a bartender Guy: One Mojito please Me: Sure Guy: Can you make it virgin? Me (Holding back tears): Yes... yes I can +5993,0,"Early Christmas gift A woman said that her daughter-in-law gave her an early Christmas gift, a set of luggage already packed." +5994,0,"Reddit, when was the last time you felt like an idiot? Probably right about now, as you realize this isn't /r/AskReddit." +5995,0,Where does Harry Potter go shopping? The VoldeMART. +5996,2,What did the underscore say when he got up to leave? Gotta Dash! +5997,2,"So my blonde, Hungarian girlfriend goes to the doctors office... The doctor ask what’s wrong and my Hungarian girlfriend replies and says since she’s waken her stomach had been hurting. The doctor then ask if shes eaten anything that she thinks might have upset her stomach. My girlfriend says no, she hasn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary. The doctor says “ok so what have you eaten today so far, just so I have an idea of what might be wrong “. My girlfriend says that she hasn’t eaten anything. The doctor with a curious look on his face says “well tell me, has your stomach also been making noises”? “Yes!” My girlfriend exclaimed as her face lit up with joy, thinking the doctor knows whats wrong. The doctor them pulls out a prescription paper and writes on it and hands it to her. She reads it out loud. “IHOP?” “Yeah” the doctor replied. “You’re just HUNGARY” Ps. You knew where it was going the whole time but you kept reading... I appreciate you. " +5998,1,"If at first you don’t like the beard on your face... Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you." +5999,0,Did you know the Bible talks about quantum computing? Ok. Maybe not exactly. But it does introduce the concept of cubits. +6000,1,"Two cannibals were sitting by a fire Wife: Gee! I hate my mother-in-law. Husband: Then try the potatoes, dearie!" +6001,4,"A guy walks into an auto-parts store... He approaches the customer service counter and is greeted by a young, attractive female with golden blonde hair. He says ""I didn't expect to see such a young beautiful woman in a shop like this...what's your name?"" She points to her name-tag, and with a cute smile replies ""Carmen. I changed my name a few years ago because I like cars, and I also like men. So, I came up with Carmen."" The guy replied, ""Coincidentally, I changed my name too!"" ""Really?"" Asked the girl. ""What is it?"" ""Beerpussy""" +6002,0,"When does a cat need milk? Right meow... I know, the joke sucked. I'm going back in my corner now" +6003,0,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick +6004,1,"What did the doctor say to the physicist who had just been diagnosed? ""You really need to understand the gravity of the situation.""" +6005,6,"Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. ""Gentlemen,"" the Devil started, ""Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."" The philosopher then stepped up, ""OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."" With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, ""Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, ""Bring me a chair!"" The Devil brought forward a chair. ""Drill 7 holes on the seat."" The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, ""Which hole did my fart come out from?"" The Devil inspected the seat and said,""The third hole from the right."" ""Wrong,"" said the idiot, ""it's from my asshole."" And the idiot went to heaven. " +6006,2,What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear.The other's a great year. +6007,0,What’s a Chemists Favorite Tree? AlBr 3 +6008,0,"What does a gun say when it gets a barrel extension? ""Help! I'm being suppressed!""" +6009,1,My humor is like dog shit on the side of the road. It’s an acquired taste. +6010,1,A Chinese woman who was a chronic masturbator crossdressed to enlist in the army Her name was Fa Ping +6011,1,Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband? Because he was driving her buggy. +6012,1,Request I don't know if i can post this here but i need to pass my math exam and my teacher passes everyone who writes a joke to make him laugh. I need the best math jokes. Anyway here's a joke: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples? A middle school math problem! And what do you gett if you search for your ex and don't know why? A college math problem! +6013,0,(NSFW) I am a dyslexic boy scout. I am not sure if i should come prepared. Or be prepared to come. +6014,0,What's the difference between Rutgers and Rikers? One turns young people into horrible human beings and the other is jail. +6015,3,"A Couple having sex in the garden at night.... He says ""I wish i had a torch"" she says ""So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes""" +6016,0,I felt so bad about what happened that I sent two telegrams apologizing. I guess I had to express my re-morse. +6017,0,"Another redneck joke Daughter just turned 16 and wants to go shopping so she asked her dad to borrow the car. Daughter: daddy can i borrow the car to go shopping? Dad: Well honey you just got your license so im not sure yet. Daughter: please daddy ill do anything you want. Dad: Ok then you have to blow me. Daughter: Dad this tastes like shit. Dad: oh yea your brother borrowed the car earlier Sorry fo bad fromat, im on mobile. Also im a redneck. .." +6018,0,"What's the difference between a woman and a prescription drug? I can't tell, at least judging by the names. Was I taking Cymbalta when I dated Laquanda, or the other way around?" +6019,0,Guess what I saw? wood +6020,1,"I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!" +6021,5,"To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing.. There’s no way you can get a weigh with it." +6022,2,I am campaigning to end child sexual slavery!!! I want to ensure they are all payed a fair wage. +6023,0,The interest rates for a loan in the carribean are... 3.14. +6024,0,"I saw my ex this morning and turns out shes married with a kid now! What an idiot, who marries a kid??" +6025,1,How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw. +6026,1,"It's the end of the 2016 presidential election and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted . The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide the next president. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The two candidates line up at the starting line. Trump goes first, clocking in at 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes next, running as fast as she can, taking shortcuts and doing anything she can to beat Trump, finally finishing at just over 10 minutes. ""Aha!"" She exclaims, ""That must be a new record."" ""I don't think so,"" says Obama, ""Bush did 9:11.""" +6027,0,"I stumbled upon a hornet's nest... I was about to torch the nest when my asian father stopped me. When I asked why, he said ,""It eats up all the bees.""" +6028,1,"Bill Gates: ""You owe me one!"" Jeff Bezos: ""What do you want?"" BG: ""I don't care how you pull it off but I want my title back. I need to be the world's richest man again."" JB: ""I got an idea. Be right back.""" +6029,6,Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic. Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase. +6030,2,"A black guy with a parrot Walks into a bar and pulls up a chair, he sits down and the bartender says, ""Holy shit, that's fucking awesome! Where'd you get it?"" The parrot says, ""Africa. They're fucking everywhere!""" +6031,0,What do you call a big Eastern European sausage? Kielbasa (Often Pronounced Ca-Ba-Sa.) +6032,2,What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope +6033,2,I found out my friend has been stealing garden gates recently. I don’t want to confront him though incase he takes offence. +6034,2,"Girl, are you pi? 'Cause you are long and sweet." +6035,1,What's the definition of a Wookiee? Someone who doesn't have any expewience +6036,0,Why is Donald Trump like KFC? .... because they both beat someone +6037,0,What do you call a horse with no legs? Dinner +6038,4,"A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone: “Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?” “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped. “After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!” “Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.” Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.” “Ok daddy just a minute....” A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy. ”""What happened honey?” “Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.” “What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.” After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?” “No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”" +6039,2,"I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said ""open cap and push up bottom"". Now I can't walk but my farts smell awesome." +6040,6,I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church... Because no one beats off in church +6041,2,What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging from your living room wall? Art. What if he also had no tongue? Tasteless art. +6042,5,Dropped my phone in a load of mayo What the Hellmann +6043,1,My professor had our class write a paper on physical contact in the classroom... It was a touchy subject +6044,1,"A camel and an elephant A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “With a face like yours, I’d just shut up.” " +6045,3,I don't know why people say cancer is so difficult. I'm already on stage 4 +6046,1,"Don’t do the dishes mom, it’s mothers day! Leave them, you’ll do them tomorrow morning before everyone wakes up." +6047,3,What time did the Monster eat the prime minister? 8PM +6048,2,Why do actors say “break a leg” before a show? Because it has to be supported by a strong cast. +6049,3,I only believe in 12.5% of what the bible says.... I guess you could say I’m an eighth-iest +6050,0,How did the chicken get to the other side? He committed suicide. +6051,2,What's the opposite of a devil's threesome? A holey trinity. +6052,2,My grandfather has the heart of a Lion and also a ban from the zoo +6053,1,I was confronted by an angry man today. I told him I come in peace Apparently that's something you shouldn't say to Peace's boyfriend +6054,2,"Leprechauns do exist A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's penis. To his surprise, the short man the longest and girthiest penis the man has ever seen. ""Truly this short man is blessed."" he thinks to himself. The smaller man notices the man looking at his privates and starts up a casual conversation, ""I see you've noticed my penis there, sir. Do you know why mine is so large?"" The man replies, ""No I don't, tell me."" The shorter man exclaims, ""It's because I'm a Leprechaun, and now that you know my secret I am obliged to give you three wishes. Ask for whatever you want, it will be so."" The man, pauses and in disbelief and sarcasm, ""Yeah, sure pal, how about a million dollars? Let's see you make that happen."" The leprechaun snaps his finger and says, ""When you arrive home, there will be a suitcase of money on your dinner table, totally $1,000,000 USD."" The man, now no longer apprehensive makes his next wish, ""I wish for a mansion, a great big house."" The leprechaun snaps his fingers and says, ""Your crappy and meager house will no longer be there when you return, you will have a mansion fit for a king."" The man, now with a glint in his eye and happiness on his face says, ""Thank you Mr. Leprechaun, thank you."" The leprechaun replies, ""You have on more wish, ask for anything you want."" The man immediately says, ""I want a hot babe of a wife, a drop dead gorgeous woman with huge cans."" The leprechaun snaps his fingers and says, ""When you get home to your mansion, your new supermodel wife will be a in french-maid outfit with her cleavage bursting from her chest and prepare a feast for you on the same table your million dollars is on."" The man is ecstatic, he cannot wait to leave the restroom and go home. As he begins to leave, the leprechaun stops him and says, ""Sir, you cannot leave yet."" The man say's, ""Why not? I've asked for my wishes and you've given them to me. I am off to enjoy my new life."" The leprechaun say's, ""Well, there is a cost for these three wishes. If you do not pay it then I will snap my fingers and take my wishes back."" The man say's, ""What is the price?"" The leprechaun smiles and replies, ""You must let me fuck you in the ass until I am satisfied. Do you agree?"" The man, dumbfounded, terrified, thinking of the size of the leprechaun violating him thinks to himself, *""Do I give up this new life I have just found or swallow my pride and let this leprechaun violate me?""* #30 minutes later In the stalls of the restroom, the man is crying and holding his pain and tears back, as much as he can. The Leprechaun, thrusting and thrusting, exacting the price of the wishes from the man. To take the man's mind off the pain, the leprechaun ask the man a question, ""What is your name, sir?"" The man squeaks, ""Bob..."" The leprechaun replies with another question, ""Bob, how old you are?"" The man chokes out, ""45."" The leprechaun says, ""Bob, you're 45 and you still believe in leprechauns?""" +6055,0,Do you know what they call a pyramid with windows? A tomb with a view. +6056,1,What did the cannibal eat for Thanksgiving? A Turk +6057,0,I started a company organizing balloon rides for fat people. It never got off the ground. +6058,1,Im terrified of barns Guess that makes me a chicken +6059,5,"Stalin is into the fifth hour of his speech, when someone sneezes ***""Who sneezed!""***, he shouts. No one answers. ***""First row, stand up""***... they obediently get on their feet. ***""Guards, shoot them""***... they're gunned down where they stood. ***""Now who sneezed?""*** ... still nothing. ***""Second row, on your feet ... guards, shoot them.""*** ***""Now who sneezed?""*** ... absolute silence. ***""Third row, stand up ... ""*** A small backbencher gets up. He's uncontrollably sobbing. *""I sneezed! I sneezed!!""* Stalin stares at him and says, ***""Bless you, comrade.""***" +6060,3,"A city girl and a country girl meet for the first time... A city girl and a country girl meet for the first time attending a class together. The country girls asks, "" So, where y'all from? "" The city girl scoffs, and replies: "" Well, where I come from, we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition."" To this the country girl pauses, thinks for a moment, then asks: "" So, where y'all from, bitch? """ +6061,0,The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands... The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands is Donald Trump's heart! +6062,2,Did you hear about the gay dyslexic? He loves Alan +6063,1,"A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge. The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins. The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and the more angry they become, the faster the boat heads to shore. They land, and the wife goes, ""well that went as planned."" The husband asks, ""how did you know that would work?"" ""Simple, we were in a rowboat.""" +6064,4,"A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day. First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop to rent a limousine. The line lasted 90 minutes and he finally rented a white limousine. On the day of prom, he wears his tuxedo, drives the limousine, and gives the flowers to his crush. At prom, his crush asked him to go grab her a drink. He walks over to the punch table, there is no punchline..." +6065,0,Why was Lincoln shot? Because he was sitting in John Wilke's booth. +6066,0,"I like my women like I like my Taco Bell Crunchy, Cheesy, and Oozing Guacamole! " +6067,5,"I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday He said: ""Thanks! How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"" I said: ""The odds that there's another serial killer in the car are astronomically low""" +6068,3,What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? A lip reader +6069,2,"My friend lost his board game. He's asking me to investigate, but then suspected me. One thing for sure, I have no Clue." +6070,4,"Three politicians go to heaven. No, seriously, it could happen." +6071,4,My wife is angry at me because I peed in the shower She said that I “ruined her bubble bath” +6072,0,"As a proud American, who lives in Houston Texas and loves baseball and beer, I believe Columbus was an ass hole and this is a bullshit holiday Now that I've said my piece, time for me to root for the Astros to eliminate the Indians" +6073,0,"Peter is throwing a party for his 31st birthday... Peter is throwing a party for his 31st birthday, he discusses this with his mates and his friend Paul suggests he go with a Mexican theme as his mother in law is Mexican and their parties are always great fun - they can have sombreros and a pinata and so on. Peter thinks this is a great idea and quickly sets up an event on FB and invites all his friends. Peter is a well traveled fellow and has mates from all over the place, many of them accept and the party looks like it's going to be a great success. The next week, Peter sees Paul again and Paul explains that he mentioned the party to his mother in law and she expressed great interest in coming to the party - it's been years since she has been back to Mexico and can't wait to feel right back at home. Peter hasn't met this woman before, but figures what the heck, she sounds like good fun, bring her along! A few weeks go by and Peter has everything he needs for the party. He has several bottles of tequila, he has made a load of Mexican food for people to snack on and he even found an extra large pinata and filled it with authentic Mexican treats he found in the international aisle at his local supermarket. The day of the party rolls around and people start showing up, many are wearing sombreros and ponchos etc, spirits are high and everything seems to be going well. Paul and his mother turn up and she seems thrilled and heads straight over to the table with all the food. Moments later she returns and something is clearly wrong, she has gone from excited to sullen and Peter and Paul notice immediately. ""What's wrong?"" they ask. She explains that her mother always used to make massive pot of guacamole for parties back home and it was always a huge hit, she had really been looking forward to trying some of Peter's guacamole but realized there wasn't any. Peter feels terrible about this, he wants everyone to have a great time and noticed his mate Patrick hasn't arrived yet and lives near the supermarket across town. He gives him a quick call, explains the situation and asked if Patrick can pick up as many pots of guacamole as he can from the supermarket and to bring them over. Patrick, being the great guy that he is, agrees to do this and sets off to the supermarket. He happily discovers they have a sale on guacamole and buys the lot, he had to take 2 trips to the back of the shop to get it all up front to pay. Back at the party, Peter is having a great time and getting a little tipsy. At this point he has had several tequila slammers and is well on his way to being drunks. All is well until he receives a phone call from Patrick. ""There is a problem, mate"" Patrick explains. ""I got the guacamole and got loads of it too"". ""Great!"" Peter tells him, ""that is perfect, get over here now!"" Patrick replies ""That's just the thing, I got all this guacamole and I can barely carry it. I feel like my arms are going to fall off and I have to walk all the way across town"". Getting a little frustrated at this point, Peter tells him ""Just stick it in your trunk and you will be fine, you can pick your car up tomorrow"" Patrick replies ""That's just it mate, I would but I don't avacado""." +6074,0,What is a chicken's favorite kind of porn? Cluck porn +6075,0,What do you call a masturbating Vegan? +6076,0,I was recently in a car accident That collision felt like failure but I knew what it really was: bones . +6077,2,"My wife's first husband. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ""Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"" The first man approached him and said, ""Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, ""My wife's first husband.""" +6078,1,"Police: So, how your husband died? Wife : By drinking poison. Police : So, why there are bruises on his body? Wife : He was refusing to drink the poison." +6079,2,What is black and white and red all over? A nun with a hatchet in her head +6080,0,Why does the grass laugh when midgets run? Because the nun was the bus driver +6081,1,Just had a meeting with a emotionally unstable dung beetle yesterday Said he had too much shit to deal with +6082,2,What did the cannibal say when he was eating the College Professor's nuts? Mmm. Academia! +6083,0,Okay so i bought this chess game in US And it only came with one tower :( +6084,0,If i get a blow job from a meth addict... is that crack-head? +6085,6,"Two straight guys and a gay guy went on a cruise..... .......with their significant others. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. ""I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."" Then came the second straight guy.""Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, ""It doesn't look good, Dick.""" +6086,1,"Why did the 1920's gangster get scurvy? NYAH, 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T TAKE HIS VITAMIN, SEE!" +6087,0,Trying to find Elon might become a scandal soon. Just reveal yourself so we don't have to Elongate this. +6088,0,Want to hear a joke about leftovers? [reheated] +6089,1,What did the emo window say? Life is pane. +6090,5,What did Hitler call his records store? The Vinyl Solution. +6091,3,"In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament. The first round was easy. After all, the son had been training for years, and had the best coach in the nation. But, by the time things progressed to the quarterfinals, his times didn't look good. Michael's son was in dead last. ""Dad, I don't think I'm going to win this one. I'm sorry."" he said. ""Have no fear, son. I swam in tournaments for years. I know a few tricks."" replied Michael. ""Tricks? Like cheating?"" inquired the son. ""No, nothing like that."" said Michael. ""It's all about aerodynamics. For example, your swim trunks are medium sized. Go into the locker room and change into a small. You'll be more streamlined and go faster."" The boy did as instructed, and proceeded to the quarterfinals. The gun went off, the race started, and the son finished his heat and was able to advance to the semifinals... but only, just barely. ""Well, Dad, I think that helped, but I think I'm doomed. Even with the extra speed, I can never win the semifinals"". ""Son, I know another trick. It's all about aerodynamics. Your noseplugs-- they're too big. Switch your current ones out for a smaller size. It will reduce the drag on your face in the water and give you a little speed boost."" Again, the boy did as he was told, proceeding to the semifinals with smaller nose plugs. Once again, the gun went off, the race started, and the son finished his heat and was surprised to find that he was able to advance to the finals... but only, just barely. ""Dad, thank you for all you've done for me. But, I think I'm doomed. There's no way I can win now. I think we're all out of tricks."" ""Not so, son. I have one last trick. It's all about aerodynamics. You wear a size medium swimming cap. Take it off and wear a smaller size. It will make you more streamlined and get your blood flowing better. If you do this, you have a really good chance of winning."" The boy did as instructed. Once again, the gun went off. The final race began. The son started out with a massive lead, but then, something unexpected happened. The son made it halfway through the pool when he unexpectedly started rolling sideways, and then started bobbing up and down like a cork in the water. ""Oh no!"" Michael said. ""Capsize!""" +6092,0,Whats the difference between a jew and a bar of soap? A bar of soap can last 40 minutes in the shower. +6093,2,Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors. Those poor unfortunate soles. +6094,3,"3 dudes stranded in an island 3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff. The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them live if they can find 10 fruits for him. 3 dudes rush away to find fruit, and the first dude comes back with apples. The cult leader says “now you need to put that apple one by one into your anus. But if I see your teeth once, I will kill you”. The first dude accepts it, and one by one slowly he goes... Until the fifth apple, he screams and away he goes to the afterlife In the afterlife, the dude waits for the 2 dudes, and pooft the second dude appears. “What was your fruit?” The first dude asks. “It was blueberries” the second dude replies. “Then why you are here?”. The second dude explains, “So, I was shoving my berries, into the 9th one... one more berry for my freedom, then the last guy arrived. He was carrying big pineapples... I laughed “" +6095,0,Where do fingers sleep? Nail beds. +6096,1,There's a perfect guy at every corner God said and made the world round. +6097,3,Good Sex is like a Bad Joke. I don't get it. +6098,0,Why did Jesus's NFL career never take off? He was always being nailed to the boards +6099,3,"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender goes “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel" +6100,0,Who to target? Ive noticed a lot of jokes on the internet make fun of vegetarians lately. As opposed to jokes about peoples ethnicity and sexual orientation wich it used to br much more of. I welcome this change since making fun of people is a big part of my nature and its always nice to riddicule people over the choices in their life rather than things they have no control over. What other groups of people are good targets for this? +6101,2,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean. " +6102,0,I always refuse to eat eggs within eggs within eggs. No eggceptions. +6103,1,What do you call a person with no body and no nose? No body nose. +6104,1,I was walking down the road when BAM! A man with premature ejaculation came out of nowhere +6105,4,When life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic +6106,0,I'm trying to get out of Rome but all the roads have a weired design flaw. +6107,0,... they are more tasteful with age +6108,2,What do spiders eat in France? French flys +6109,0,They forgot to mention the doctor removed from UA Is an abortion doctor escaping the South +6110,4,What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat? Still Bjorn. +6111,3,"A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82 I’m easily lead " +6112,2,What do Asian people use as blindfolds? Shoe laces. +6113,0,Guess what... Chicken butt! +6114,2,"I saved a guys life today. (How?) He was choking. So I took my hands off his neck. And said, dont make me save your life again asshole. Use your turn signal next time. " +6115,2,2 Facts about me! 1. my penis is as long as 7 chicken nuggets 2. im permanently banned from every mcdonalts restaurant ! +6116,4,"A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room. While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door. ​ 1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door. 2nd patient kept shouting at the door ""OPEN SESAME"". 3rd patient looked at the door, paused for a moment, then struck the door with his foot. 4th patient laughed hysterically and whispered to the door ""It is me Chad, open the door honey"". 5th patient watched all the other patients, from afar, and just smiled. ​ The doctors, impressed with the 5th patient's response, went to this patient and asked him why he didn't join the other patients in opening the door. The 5th patient replied: ""There is no way in hell they can open that door"". The doctors started smiling and looking at each other in amusement. They ask the 5th patient, ""Why can't they open the door?"" The 5th patient replies: ""That door won't open because I have the mother fucking KEY!""." +6117,2,I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company But I realized it wouldn't make any scents +6118,0,"County Kerry's Family Values I once knew a man from Kerry that had one arm, a mangled nose, one blind eye, and a black eye on the other side. The guy looked like he had been through a war, and so after a few drinks I asked him where he had got all the injuries from. He looked at me and said ""It's hereditary."" ""What do you mean hereditary!"" I replied feeling sick. ""It means that my father served, and so did his father before him. I lost all of these during my time as a soldier a few years back before I moved back home."" ""Oh!"" I said feeling relieved. ""Jesus, that's wild. And how'd you get the black eye? ""From my wife after she found me fucking the sheep!"" Damn those Kerry boys. If it's not their cousin it's their livestock." +6119,4,"NSFW wife in a coma A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma. Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with no sign of a recovery. The man is overcome with both the grief from missing his wife and the overwhelming anxiety from sexual withdrawal. One day while feeling particularly miserable about the lack of sex in his life the man decided to try something naughty. He slips his hand under her nightie and cops a feel of one of her breasts. Stoking her nipple the woman stirs slightly and lets out a low moan. The husband jumps up surprised and runs to find the doctor who's looking after his wife. ""Doctor I rubbed my wife's nipple and she stirred! Does this mean she could recover?"". The doctor rubs his chin for a moment, in a pondering tone replies ""well I wouldn't normally recommend this but since she responded to such stimulus perhaps we should push this further. Try oral sex and see if she responds"". The man wanders into the room and closes the door. 5 minutes go by and the man wanders out. ""Well, did she come around?"" The doctor asks inquisitively. The man looks down his feet and replies ""no doctor. I'm afraid she choked"". " +6120,0,How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. +6121,0,"What did the quiet orange say to the noisy orange? ""Be quiet, I'm concentrating!""" +6122,1,Why can't creationists ever get girls in rock bands? They aren't very good at carbon dating. +6123,1,I almost hit a dog with my car today I'll get him next time +6124,5,"In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke. Police Officer: ""How high are you?"" Pothead: ""No officer, it's ""Hi, How are you?""" +6125,2,"Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake walk into an ancient temple that has been lost for centuries. They blow it up." +6126,0,I have a pill that helps you lose pounds fast its called the brexit pill +6127,1,It's ironic that Baby Boomers call Millennials narcissists When their parents referred to themselves as **The Greatest Generation**. +6128,0,What do you call a bun given to you by your nana? Bun-nana +6129,5,"A dung beetle walks into a bar He asks, “Is this stool taken?”" +6130,10,"CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON." +6131,0,"If ever get cold, just stand in the corner for a bit.. They're usually around 90 degrees. " +6132,1,Wanna know why I think you’re odd? Because you can’t even. +6133,0,An ea representative walks into a bar And then everyone beats the shit out of him +6134,2,"A man rushes into a bar and shouts, “Who’s the owner of the chihuahua that was tied up outside?” The man continues looking around frantically, but no one in the bar responds. Calling out again, he says, “Please, I need the owner! Your dog is killing my rottweiler!” A patron of the bar slowly stands up and says, “Sir, I don’t believe it would be possible for my chihuahua to kill a dog that big. I call bullshit.” The first man responds, “I’m not fucking with you! The rottweiler is choking on him!”" +6135,0,"[Long] A bear walks into a bar... He approaches the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender refuses, and says ""We don't serve bears here."" So the bear trudges off and mopes for a little while. Eventually, he resolves to demand service. He stomps back into the bad and roars for the bartender to give him a drink, or he will eat somebody. ""I'm sorry, but we don't serve bears,"" came the bartenders reply. Immediately, the bear went into a rage, turned from the bar, and barreled toward the first person he saw: an old whorish looking lady, who quickly succumbed to the bear's onslaught. After devouring the woman, the bear stalked back to the bar, and once again, ordered a drink, convinced that the bartender would finally serve him. The bartender flatly refused, ""I told you we don't serve bears here, and neither do we serve drug addicts."" ""But I don't do drugs,"" said the bear. ""I've never smoked or injected or snorted anything in my entire life!"" ""Oh yeah?"" replied the bartender. ""What about that bar bitch you ate?""" +6136,1,Heard about the guy who invented window sills? What an absolute Ledge. +6137,1,I like my coffee how I like my women... Cold and bitter +6138,0,"Now we're gonna pay in full! A son has been asked by his mother to buy something from the store. The mother gave his son $25 for the said errand and off he went. On his way, the son saw a whore house and decided to spent the money in there. Son: I'd like to have sex Whore House Keeper: How much do you have? Son: $25 WHK: Fine. You can only put the tip of your dick. Unsatisfied and broke, he went home and told his mother that he lost the money on his way to the store. The mother was convinced so she handed him $50 to go back and buy it. The son wanting more, went back. WHK: How much do you have? Son: $50 WHK: Great! You can only put the head of your dick. Still not satisfied, the son went home without the items and told his mother he lost it again. Suspicious now, the Mother gave his son $75 to go back and buy it. Little did he know, his Mother followed him WHK: How much did you have? Son: $75 WHK: Now we're talkin'! You can only put in half of your dick! While he was doing the deed, his mother came up and surprised him. Mother: Aha!! So this is where you are spending the money!!! Son: God damn it, Mom!!! I'm only supposed to put in half!! Now we're going to have to pay in full!!!" +6139,5,"My motto is ""If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."" They don't let me volunteer for the suicide prevention hotline anymore." +6140,0,Yo mama's so stupid... ...she studied all night for a DNA test. +6141,4,"An 18 year old asks his 91 year old grandpa to go fishing. Grandpa: Let's go skydiving instead. Grandson: Aren't you afraid that something could go wrong and we could die? Grandpa: As old as I am dying is only my third biggest fear. Grandson: What's your second? Grandpa: Not making the most out of the time I have left. The grandson moved by what his grandpa said bought them skydiving tickets immediately. Grandson: I bought the tickets grandpa, but if you don't mind me asking what is your biggest fear? Grandpa: Fucking crocodiles. Why do you think I didn't want to go fishing?" +6142,0,Why do you always close your zipper when you go to Ukraine? Cause Chernobyl fall out +6143,2,I have sex daily! Shit. I meant dyslexia. +6144,1,"When I die, throw berries on my grave Cause that's how I would like to be berried" +6145,1,"Restaurant contest Last weekend I went to one of those restaurants where you can see into the kitchen, it was at that weird time between lunch and dinner and the place was quite empty. I could see there was some kind of contest going on between some of the staff. First I saw one of the waitresses hold up an inch thick bit of sirloin with her arms stretched above her head to a modest smattering of applause. Next there was a stunned gasp as the sous chef turned a couple of buckets upside down, mounted them and raised a similarly cut bit of rump above his head. Finally there were loud ""whoop""s as the head chef climbed the ladder of a visiting contractor and held a piece of fillet aloft. On descending this man was judged victorious. A few pound notes changed hands and everyone went back to work. I'm not sure how much people had bet, but the steaks looked pretty high." +6146,5,"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan!" +6147,4,"One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman... While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, ""Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"" The priest looks at the fisherman and says, ""Please mind your language."" The fisherman replies, ""Oh... No father, that's the name of a fish. It's a sonofabitch."" The priest heads back to the church. On his way he sees the bishop and addresses him, ""Look at the sonofabitch I just caught at the pier!"" The bishop replies, ""Father! You are in the house of the lord!"" The priest says, ""Oh no! That's the name of the fish, it's a sonofabitch."" The bishop replies, ""Oh, if you give me it I can clean it and have Mother Superior cook it for our dinner with the pope."" He cleans the fish and brings it to Mother Superior, ""Can you cook this sonofabitch."" She replies, ""Why I never! What language for a bishop!"" The bishop tells her, ""No, that's the name of the fish. Can you cook it for our dinner with the pope?"" She agrees and makes it up for their dinner with the pope. They sit down with the pope and he takes one bite, ""This is wonderful! What is it?"" The priest says, ""I caught that sonofabitch."" The bishop says, ""I cleaned that sonofabitch."" Mother Superior says, ""And I cooks that sonofabitch."" The pope gives them all a blank stare for a moment, then leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, and says, ""You fuckers are all right.""" +6148,1,An obstetrician once told me that telling a joke is all in the delivery. So now you know. +6149,2,"A Gorilla walks into a pub And asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman pulls him a pint, and says, ""That'll be £6.50 please"". The gorilla takes a sip of his pint, and the barman says to him ""You know, we don't get that many gorillas in here..."" The gorilla gulps down his beer, and informs the barman, ""Well I'm not surprised at those prices..."" Edit: barman =/= batman" +6150,6,TIL that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in the jeans. +6151,2,"Navy Biscuits An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied, ""I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia. Horrified the Admiral exclaims, ""That's very unhygienic!"" The Chief shrugs and replies, ""Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.""" +6152,2,I want to live in a house that's shaped like a mailbox. That way people will know that I'm outgoing. +6153,10,"An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian..... .... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai." +6154,1,They say you are what you eat... So vegans are...... Vegetables +6155,1,I'm desperately trying to find someone who can fix my headboard… I'm banging my head against the wall… +6156,0,What do you get when you mix Irish with Mexicans? Shitfaced +6157,0,The person you could always rely on.... Justin Case +6158,2,How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying. +6159,0,"How many string theorists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but nobody knows which one." +6160,3,Why did the wife of the illiterate well-endowed man want a divorce? TL;DR. +6161,2,"Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt... But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head." +6162,3,Why did the sun's spouse leave it? Because it kept acting like the world revolved around it. +6163,0,Dad! I got number one in class Because 24/24 equal to 1 +6164,0,"A Boob a Vagina and an Asshole A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest . . . . . . . . . Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!" +6165,0,"The red man lives in the red house, the blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the white house? The orange man." +6166,0,"Munich Once again, a visit to McDonald's proves to be bad for your health." +6167,1,I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea She should really learn to Let It Go +6168,0,If your girlfriend likes bees she's probably a keeper +6169,2,"My friend said: “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…” It was a third degree burn." +6170,1,"What's the difference between a motorbike and a toilet? In the first case you sit and run, in the second you run and sit. (incredibly nobody ever wrote this one before, credits to dad)" +6171,0,"A husband and a wife A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. ""Och, I look like a pig!"" The man nods, ""And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!""" +6172,4,Most people have weird things that turn them on But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes. +6173,0,What do cars and humans have in common? We both burn gas. +6174,2,"I'm organising a fundraiser concert for those who are unable to reach full orgasm If you can't come, let me know." +6175,1,How did the pharaoh get so rich ? A pyramid scheme +6176,0,Did you hear about the soldier that survived a mustard gas attack? He's a seasoned veteran. +6177,1,Why did the rapper die after being shot? He forgot 2pac his bullet proof vest +6178,1,"There are 10 kinda of people in the world: Those who know binary, those who don’t, and Those that didn't expect the joke to be in base 3. " +6179,3,How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. +6180,0,What are Americans most afraid of in Hilary Clinton? Her Penis +6181,6,"I'll never forget my grandfather's last words... ""Stop shaking the goddamn ladder you little shit!"" Oh grandpa." +6182,1,"Abortion is a very difficult topic for me to talk about On one hand, I support it because it kills babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice" +6183,3,"Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"" Mr. Jeffries: ""Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.""" +6184,2,What do you call your Japanese Sister's daughter? A Japaneice +6185,0,What was good about the dance? There was no punchline. +6186,8,Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit +6187,5,"David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery... Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield. He says to the David, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."" David Copperfield replies, ""That's typical of you Criss, first you steal tricks, now you steal cakes. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."" Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. David Copperfield swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then he swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""So what did you do with the pastries?"" Pointing at Criss Angel, David Copperfield replies, ""Look in that guy's back pocket.....""" +6188,0,What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey! +6189,3,"Everyone asks ""what's up"", but do you wanna know what's down? The bodies of unvaccinated children" +6190,0,"Had a really bad week, the african kid that ive been sponsoring Didn't enter the marathon. " +6191,2,"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. You put groceries in the other." +6192,2,"When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras" +6193,0,If You Wanted Giraffe Milk... You'd need a tall stool to get whey up there. +6194,2,What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro cinco +6195,1,"Sometimes Jackson Pollock would make paintings by ejaculating all over the canvas. Whaddaya know, the cock could doodle too." +6196,0,Shall We Try Different Position Tonight? Wife: Shall We Try Different Position Tonight? Husband: “Excellent idea!” Wife: OK YOU Stand at Sink and Wash Dishes AND I Will Lie On Sofa And Watch TV..;-p +6197,1,"What did The Under-dogs say to the losers? It's over, dog." +6198,0,My son has a cold so we have been calling him cappuccino... ...since he is a little coughy +6199,2,"I have a good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible. “You’ve found your man,” I said, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said I was responsible!”" +6200,7,What is the cheapest meat? Deer testicles. They're under a Buck. +6201,1,"When I was 15yo, I had met a couple by the name of John and Jane Doe and I thought that was the wildest coincidence ever. Cut to a few months ago, I'm now 35 and I'm thinking about John and Jane Doe. And I'm like, I bet they were lying to me about that." +6202,1,How do you pick up a fat chick? Piece of cake. +6203,2,There are three kinds of people on the world. People who can count and people who can't. +6204,1,"Male birth control can be accomplished by putting a common aspirin in your shoe. It makes you limp. ​ ​ ​ edit; forgot an ""s""." +6205,4,"They always wonder if looks could could kill, well my looks sure did They killed my chances of ever getting laid." +6206,2,"A man had four sons from different mothers Brodwel,Kenneth,Conrad & Dominic Now these guys asked their father why he gave em those names,n what do they mean? The father replied: Take the first three letters of your names and join em together you will find the answer " +6207,6,Can’t believe it’s nearly 1996 and they haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer’s +6208,0,"A man walks into a shop. The shopkeeper asks how he is doing... He says ""I'm halfway middlin'" +6209,0,I like my gay men like I like my marshmellows... Black and flaming. +6210,0,"Ivanka is pregnant again, her new baby boy is due in October. She should call him Wally." +6211,10,"Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, ""How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"" He winked at me and said, ""I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.""" +6212,0,"If I did take up ballet I would take classes at two separate times. One class from 3pm to 3am, and one from 2pm to 2am. I have different tutus for those classes, just because. I am forgetful and my mother asked if I had packed my proper tutus, she thought I had only brought my 3 to 3 tutu, but she was wrong. I brought my 2 to 2 tutu too. " +6213,1,If you have Parkinson's and wear a FitBit You're in good shape! +6214,1,Irish line dancers have superior form Hands down. +6215,2,What is a skeleton's favourite fruit ? A spineapple. +6216,0,Muslims are good people because they take people around them along to meet Allah. +6217,1,What kind of dates do scientists like to be set up on? Double blind +6218,0,73-9 isn't bad... But 72-10 just has a better *ring* to it +6219,4,If you piss off a vegan.... Is it still called a beef? +6220,3,"Curious boy A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father ""Daddy, what are they doing?"" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says ""they're just making a puppy."" ""OK"" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him ""Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says ""me and mommy were making a baby."" His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies ""flip mommy over, I want a puppy!""" +6221,1,What did the one female tampon say to the other female tampon? Nothing. They're both stuck-up cunts. +6222,2,What did Barack say when Michelle left him I’m Obama self now +6223,1,An Ice cream parlour was broken into near me Apparently they made off with Hundreds and thousands +6224,1,"I visited a reddit page for navy reserve submarines the other day, but it was below par. It's a sub sub sub subreddit." +6225,3,"A police call with a blonde A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had stripped apart her car. ""They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,"" she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ""Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake.""" +6226,0,What do you call an italian condom? Un-ravioli. +6227,3,"Hearing An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing. So from 20 feet behind her he asked, ""can you hear me sweetheart?"" No reply. He move 10' and asked again. No reply. He did again from 5' and not a word. He got up behind her ear and asked, ""can you hear me now honey?"" His wife said, ""For the fourth damn time, YES.""" +6228,4,"A pirate captain walks into a bar... ...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender: ""Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!"" Pirate: ""Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts.""" +6229,0,Why does the raccoon have two pairs of pants while he is golfing? To be safe in case he gets a hole in one. +6230,1,What did the breadmaker say when throwing out some bread? Yeast +6231,1,"Two Cannibals Are Sitting Around A Dead Body... One says ""you start at the toes, I'll start at the head"". After a little while he asks the other cannibal, ""how is it going?"" ""Oh, I'm having a ball!"" ""...You're going too fast.""" +6232,3,"The stories on /r/Jokes are just like big boobs... They're mostly fake, but I still enjoy them." +6233,0,Why does Kylo Ren decline all my raid invites in WoW? Cause he been solo. +6234,0,I would put some funny jokes on here but it would be a waste of my time. Americans can never get the punchline. +6235,1,"What's the difference between a feminist and a baby? The baby will eventually grow up, quit complaining, and be taken seriously." +6236,3,Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball +6237,2,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. " +6238,3,What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef. ​ ​ What do you call a cow with no legs? ​ Ground beef. ​ What do you call a cow with 2 legs? ​ Your mom. +6239,0,Why didn't Shania Twain endorse Subaru in their commercials? They didnt Impreza her that much! +6240,0,What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your door? Matt. +6241,2,I'm bi curious I wonder what it's like to speak a second language +6242,2,A Clock wrote a book Critics say its about time +6243,2,"What did the cop say to the black nurse after his vasectomy? Don’t run, I shoot “blanks”" +6244,0,"What’s a game that had a sequel announced, but never got it? I don’t know, but the beginning sounded interesting" +6245,0,"Three guys are standing at the pearly gates of heaven waiting to get in. First guy: St. Peter is heaven was going to be like Earth? When I was on earth I was always teased for being a nerd, and I did make a lotta mistakes, I had a very lonely life. St. Peter: No my son, in heaven we are all equal and everyone loves each other and you will be forgiven your sins. Now, I have one question before you can enter. If you answer wrong you will go to Hell. How do you spell “God”? First guy: GOD. St. Peter: Welcome to heaven! Second guy: St. Peter is heaven going to be link Earth? When I was I was always being teased because of my religion, and I did commit many sins, I was always being shunned. St. Peter: No my son, in heaven we are all equal and everyone loves each other and you will be forgiven your sins. Now, I have one question before you can enter. If you answer wrong you will go to Hell. How do you spell “Jesus”? First guy: JESUS! St. Peter: Welcome to heaven! Third guy: St. Peter is heaven going to be link Earth? When I was I was always being teased by my family for being an atheist, I was always being ignored by my family, will I be forgiven for not believing? St. Peter: No my son, in heaven we are all equal and everyone loves each other and you will be forgiven your sins. Now, I have one question before you can enter. If you answer wrong you will go to Hell. How do you spell “Chrysanthemum”? " +6246,2,With great memes... ...comes great repost ability. +6247,1,"I was in line at the drive-thru, and when I pulled up to the window to get my food, the cashier said ""I'm so sorry about the wait."" I appreciated the gesture, but I didn't think she was that fat." +6248,0,"If Bank A has red debit cards and Bank B has blue debit cards, what does Bank C has? Dark humor grafitti. " +6249,2,"They say if you do what you love, then you’ll never work another day in your life. I think they were right: I punched my boss in the face and I haven’t worked a day since!" +6250,2,"In every corny joke, There is a kernel of truth." +6251,0,What do you call a broken angle? A rektangle. +6252,1,How do you build a hamburger house? From the ground up. +6253,2,"A robot walks into a bar Says to the bartender, ""I need to loosen up. Give me a Screwdriver.""" +6254,0,"If Matthew is so serious, Why is he currently getting battered in the Bahamas?" +6255,0,Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? It's been 13 years and I'm still looking for her. +6256,3,"A Cowboy walks into a bar, and sits alone in the corner... Soon enough, after ordering drinks, a woman walks over and sits down with him and asks ""are you a real cowboy?"" He replies, ""I've spend my whole life rearing livestock, droving cattle, and riding a horse till my ass is red raw, so yeah, I think I'm a cowboy."" The woman nods, and goes quiet for a few seconds, then says ""I'm a lesbian. Everything I do makes me think of naked women. I wake up, nude chicks, make lunch, tits on the mind, go to bed, you know what I'm dreaming about."" The cowboys eyes widen, he nods thoughtfully, and they continue to drink in silence. Not long later, a man swings a chair around and asks the man ""are you a cowboy?"" He replies ""I thought I was, but about 5 minutes ago I found out I was a lesbian""" +6257,0,Doctor: sir we are going to have to remove your testicals? Patient: How come? Doctor: Not really. +6258,1,How do you kill the ender dragon You ender +6259,1,Shortest joke in the world An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...could happen. +6260,0,"The animals of the Woods like to party, ... especially the hamster. After another wild night and the hamster having puked in every corner and trying to flirt with the other animals girlfirend's. The animal of the woods decide the hamster is never to be invited again. If anyone was to bring the hamster to a party, he wouldn't be let in either. After a few weeks there is another party and the hamster finds out he's not invited so the security won't let him in. So the hamster goes to his best mate the bear and says: ""Hey, mate! Please smuggle me in to the party, hidden in your breast pocket. I won't tell anyone you let me in."" After being hounded like this for a few hours the bear agrees and takes the hamster along in his breast pocket. The security does pocket checks too turns out. So when the bear is checked he start emptying his pockets. He reaches and systematically pats down his pockets and pulls out his belongings and gives them to the security for keeping, while making a mental list of the objects by sounding them out. ""Car keyes ... Valet ... House keyes ..."" He taps his breast pocket. ""Photograph of the hamster.""" +6261,0,Confusing East and West..... Is a cardinal sin. +6262,10,"If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use? Fire staff" +6263,0,"Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred say, ""Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!""" +6264,2,"Regular zombies say ""braaaaaiiiins"". What do vegetarian zombies say? ""Graaaiiiins""" +6265,0,Yesterday IHOP changed their name to IHOB Some should tell them April Fools Day isn't in June +6266,1,"They will find us Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” “I have not paid five years’ worth of taxes.” " +6267,1,What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile. +6268,0,What do they serve at an autistic restaurant? Asperger's. +6269,0,How a fish get high ? seaweed +6270,3,I have a huge phobia of hair. I dreadlocks. +6271,2,Did you guys hear about the new dildo farm that opened the other week? It got invaded by squatters! +6272,0,Why are people that work at bread factories so rich? Because they make lots of bread +6273,6,"American Soldier An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, ""You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, ""Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."" The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ""You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ""You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.""" +6274,2,"I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun, I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, ""Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character"" I exclaimed, ""Fuck off"" She shouted ""I haven't got dressed yet""" +6275,2,Why is Santa always jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live. +6276,2,"It sucks to be a dick You have a head you cant turn, an eye you cant see out of, you always get a stiff neck, your roommates are nuts, your best friends a pussy and your closest neighbor is a real asshole" +6277,2,Jones Soda is good... ...but have you ever tried their Kool-Aid? +6278,1,"A person decided to go to a cosmetic surgeon for a face lift and the surgeon said, ""You're beautiful just the way you are."" ""After the surgery, of course.""" +6279,2,"I dialed a wrong number It told me: ""I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate by 90 degrees and try again.""" +6280,1,"A particularly disheveled scientist discovered a way to convert human waste into a functioning liver. When asked about the inspiration for his discovery he said ""it was the only way I was ever going to get my shit organ-ized""" +6281,4,"Dad, what is the difference between ""in theory"" and ""in practice?"" A son asks a father what the difference between ""in theory"" and ""in practice"" was. His father replies ""go ask your older sister, mother and grandmother whether they would fuck a man for 1 million dollars. The boy asks them. His sister replied ""yes,"" his mother replied ""yes"" and his grandma replied ""for much less even!"" So the boy returns his survey data to his father and asks ""how is this relevant to the question?"" The father responds ""it's a good example, you see in theory we have 3 million dollars, but in practice we have 3 whores.""" +6282,4,"A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, ""For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."" The man thought for a minute and said, ""I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."" The genie thought for a few minutes and said, ""No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that's just too much to ask."" The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, ""There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, ""So, do you want two lanes or four?"" " +6283,1,I could tell you a chemistry joke But Na +6284,0,"Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot Bartender says, ""That is amazing. Where'd you get it?"" Parrot says, ""Africa."" Can we please fucking stop the parrot fucking jokes now?" +6285,4,I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie. +6286,2,Do you know why flamingos lift up one leg when sleeping? Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall +6287,2,What do you call a porn actor with bad aim? Mr Completely +6288,1,What are you in the bathroom? European. +6289,0,Why was the stray dog afraid of meeting new people? He never learned how to shake +6290,5,"My wife asked why I brought a gun home I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. " +6291,1,"I asked an MRA what he thinks about baguettes. He said ""What about them? Bags have it way worse""." +6292,1,How do Nachos dance They do the salsa +6293,2,"A very rich man and his wife are lying in bed The wife leans over and whispers something in his ear. His eyes light up, ""really??"" He says. ""Yup! Right now."" She says. He says ""I'll be right back!"" He jumps up and runs over to the wall and punches some buttons on the wall while his wife undresses. He turns the lights low, and they have sex in every position imaginable. They both have multiple orgasms. When they finish, he turns the lights back on to full, and his wife sees something that shocks her and she shrieks. Along the wall are about a dozen of their house servants. Young women with disturbed looks on their faces, having just witnessed them having sex. She says, ""You sick fuck! I said 'let's do it while the maids are *washing*!'""" +6294,3,They said I couldn't drink my problems away... But science says Alcohol is a solution. +6295,3,"Japanese golfer An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room. In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling. The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one! Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, ""What you mean.... wrong hole?" +6296,3,Q. Why did the girl steal her boyfriend's wheelchair after she dumped him? A. Because she wanted him to come crawling back to her. +6297,0,If i would gift every redditor reddit gold how much will it cost me ? A small loan of a million dollars. +6298,1,I can only think of one thing worse than Trump with his finger on the nuclear trigger. Micheal J Fox with his finger on the nuclear trigger. +6299,0,Why did Tokugawa lose the war in Japan? His whole army had chinks in their armor. +6300,0,Did you hear about the full time golfer who cheated on his wife? He is presenting an award to another full time golfer who cheated on his wife. +6301,0,whats the difference between a drowner and a Nilfgaardian at leaat drowners know how to swim! +6302,1,"A roman guy enters a bar, raises two fingers... And say to the bartender: five beers, please!" +6303,5,What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad hasn't beat cancer yet. +6304,4,"Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his ass. Doctor examining said wow, guy says what is it doc? Doctor says this is only the tip of the Iceberg." +6305,0,"I am so straight that........ .....if I were a woman then I'd be a lesbian. P.S. I had written this on r/funny, someone told me this is the place where it belongs." +6306,0,The problem with necrophilia memes... ...that they're dead. +6307,0,"Last year, I got a sweater for Christmas. This year, I want a screamer." +6308,1,What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality . +6309,1,"The Pope was in County Down yesterday as part of his visit to Ireland. When someone asked him how he was enjoying it he replied ""It hasn't been the same since Carol Vorderman left.""" +6310,0,"Do you want to hear the most reused and reposted joke of all time? ""no I have a boyfriend""" +6311,0,I can't beleive that russia tried to kill Sergi Compare the market ads will never be the same +6312,5,"What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper? One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit" +6313,2,"When I was young, Dad found a lump and Mum had to have her breast removed. That man took his mashed potatoes very seriously, let me tell you." +6314,3,Feminists hate words with masculine-sounding roots... ...maybe that's why none of them have any manners. +6315,3,My doctor said I should watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror. +6316,0,"Five Finnish soldiers are marching in Finland during ww2 After a while, four of them goes over a hill. The reaming soldier can't understand why they did that, but he does not say anything. He waits and waits. After a long time, one of the soldiers came back over the hill with a Soviet T-34. The soldier who was left behind ask(L): why do you have that? The one who walked over the hill says(A): I wanted a war trophy. L: Very well. But where are your friends? Did they die trying to capture the tank? A: No, Pekka wanted to learn how to drive a T-34 so Jarvi and Jokki are both teaching him how to drive." +6317,8,If you're single and you know it Use your hands +6318,1,Why don't doctors like medical labs? They are always testing their patients. +6319,2,It all The title says it all. +6320,3,I just got fired from the calendar factory All I just did was take a day off... +6321,0,"What did the horse say to Santa? Nothing, horses can not speak." +6322,4,"Two tribes go to war There were 2 tribes in a war with each other. One tribe wins and takes 3 prisoners from the other tribe.the leader says ""i will let you go if you collect 10 of one fruit from the forest."" So they went. The first guy comes back with oranges. The leader says ""you must shove all 10 of them up your arse without making a sound."" He got to 1 and cried. So they killed him. The second guy comes back with grapes.easy right? He gets to 9 and starts laughing. The leader says ""we are gonna kill you now,but why are you laughing?"" The prisoner replies, ""because i saw the third guy coming back with watermelons"" credit to u/GrenadeSlingingArab" +6323,4,Why is leather armor the best for sneaking? Because it's made of hide +6324,5,"A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch... ... and the little boy asks, ""Dad why are our penises different?"" The father replies, ""Firstly, son, you don't have an erection.""" +6325,2,"If you watch it backwards, the movie titanic, becomes about a magical boat that saves a bunch of drowning people." +6326,3,"Which profession has the worst sense of humour? Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes. But opticians like them *cornea*. " +6327,2,How many old people does it take to change a light bulb? None...they don't like change +6328,3,What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks. +6329,0,What is God's favorite TV office comedy? Arks and Creation +6330,1,What do you call a train full of Jews? Doesn't matter they're not coming back. +6331,1,"A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman walk into a bar They order a round of whiskey. However, when the drinks arrive, there are flies at the bottom of each of the glasses. The Frenchman, clearly disgusted, asks for another drink. The German is thirsty, and decides to drink it anyway. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pulls out the fly, and screams ""Spit it out. SPIT IT OUT!"" " +6332,2,My grandfather was a dwarf Poor guy always struggled to put food on the table +6333,0,What do you call a bovine bris? Cow tipping +6334,3,"A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, ""I did some schoolwork."" The robot slaps the son. The son says, ""Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."" Dad asks, ""What movie did you watch?"" Son says, ""Toy Story."" The robot slaps the son. Son says, ""Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."" Dad says, ""What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, ""Well, he certainly is your son."" The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale." +6335,5,I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain. +6336,1,I'm starting a new line of reversible coats I can't wait to see how they turn out +6337,0,"She: ""Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."" She: ""Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."" He: ""But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."" She: ""True, but I do.""" +6338,3,"A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. **No joke.**" +6339,3,Whats the geometric equivalent to a grammar Nazi? A circle jerk! +6340,2,What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality. +6341,0,What do you call a Japanese suicide bomber? Wasabi +6342,1,You know Singapore? With all that damn poverty it's like Multipore +6343,2,I just invented a new soup. Its alphabet soup mixed with laxative. I call it Letter Rip. +6344,0,"Cloning A scientist run down the street with his clone. He approaches the first person in sight, with excitement on his face. Scientist: Hey, I just created an exact person like me by using biology and science after 20 years research.  Someone: Oh, good for you, I just can create a person that half of myself after 9 months. Scientist: Wow, how could you do that? Someone: It's called pregnancy.   (I just come up with this joke in my bio class, we got a topic about cloning human tho). Edit: wrong word :v Edit2: I took out some part. " +6345,1,What's below the Pyrenees? A pair of ankles +6346,0,"So a circle and a polygon are having a conversation... Circle: Polygon, why do you have many sides? Polygon: Because I'm edgy. My personality is pretty flat so I'm trying something new. Circle: Want to know why I'm so well-rounded? Polygon: You're not well rounded. That piece of pi you had is bulging out. Circle: I try to be rational with the size of pi I have so I don't have an obtuse angles of fat. Polygon: But you're not fat. Circle: Please, I could intersect with a plane at this rate. Polygon: Oh goodness, no! Not a plane! Circle: But I'll give you a sine if that happens. Polygon: Okay. Still thinking about your fat lumps? Circle: Nah, it's just a tangent of my imagination. Hold on a secant, I have to tell you about this pair of twins. They are both lines, they share the same x-coordinates, they travel in the same directions, but they've never met each other. They're practically living parallel lives. Polygon: As much fun as this is, I feel as if this joke is reaching its x value (when x=the end of the joke) at a practically infinite rate. This joke will reach its limit infinitely enough. Circle: I'll secant that. Polygon: Add any more length and we'll be in the 3rd dimension soon enough." +6347,0,"The teacher asked the class, ""Who can make a sentence with the word 'taint'?"" Johnny raised his hand, and said, ""Ain't taint a word!"" He got full marks." +6348,8,"A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk. At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: ""Why did you do that?"" ""Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow.""" +6349,2,"Hey girl, are you a USB port? Because I might have to flip you over a few times before it fits." +6350,1,Why is the rear of a ship so hard to impress? Cause they only give stern looks of disapproval. +6351,0,"When are you no longer an American? When European, you're Russian, and you Finnish." +6352,2,"The Price of Dismissal An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. ""Well, "" said the American, ""I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."" ""That's amazing!"" said one of the doctors, ""But what happened to the other two?"" ""Last I saw them,"" replied the American, ""the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."" " +6353,0,You know how some people make food exactly as it appears on the cookbook? I guess you could say they made copy and pasta. +6354,3,Dark humor is like food... Not everybody gets it. +6355,2,"A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he’d like something tall, icy, and full of vodka. The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”" +6356,1,How did the executioner learn about knots? By watching the noose. +6357,1,Unsettling sounds #23 Ice-cream van after dark +6358,1,Jersey Joke Why did New York end up with all the lawyers and Jersey with all the chemical plants? Jersey had first choice. +6359,0,My conversations with my animals have gotten really weird: the other day I promised to defend my dogs honor. My wife keeps telling me to stop talking to the taxidermi. +6360,0,"If a hen and a half, lays an egg and a half, in a day in a half... How long does it take for a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? Well it mustn't take long because snakes don't have armpits and there's no bones in ice cream. If you need help with that answer you can call the hotline at 82-APPLE-BUBBLE-BUBBLE-9" +6361,1,What does a veterinarian eat for dinner? Veterans +6362,1,Good bye Netflix and Chill It’s now Disney Plus You and Me +6363,1,"I got so drunk last night... I awoke with a terrible hangover, staggered to the sink and threw up repeatedly. Then I desperately looked at my hands, but all my fingers were there. Blearily, I looked again, but they were still all there. I would have prefered to see some missing. That would explain the ones in my sink." +6364,2,"Im writing my autobiography ""Oh nice!"" ""Yea im planning on killing off the main character""" +6365,1,"My grade school teacher said to me ""Name two pronouns"". Only half paying attention to the lecture, I replied ""Who, me?""" +6366,1,"A rule of thumb for finding naked women in the Middle East: Sikh, and you won't find." +6367,0,I bought some used food. It tasted like shit. +6368,0,Why can't Dr. Pepper's wife get pregnant? Because Dr. Pepper only cums in bottles and cans. +6369,5,"A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."" The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"" The woman said, ""That's okay."" For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, ""You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."" The woman replied, ""That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."" So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."" The woman said, ""That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack."" Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen." +6370,2,"A young couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, ""I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"" The husband says, ""Change the battery in your hearing aid.""" +6371,2,"Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail. Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it." +6372,4,"A businessman is away from home for a few days on a sales conference… He plans to take full advantage of his few days of freedom and has Googled the numbers of female escorts in the locality. He picks up the bedside telephone and pudgy fingers punch in the first of the numbers, he waits, he hears a young female voice answer, ""Listen, I want you to come to my hotel room for a couple of hours, I want oral, I want to do anal and I want to jizz all over your tits!"" There is a pause and the young woman replies, ""That sounds like great fun but you need to dial 9 to get an outside line sir.""" +6373,4,What's the difference between me and cancer My dad didn't beat cancer +6374,1,What’s it called when Reddit loses its mind over Brooklyn 99 getting renewed on NBC? The name of your sex tape +6375,0,What do you do when your ogre gets possessed by an evil demon? Call a shrexorcist! +6376,0,There's a black guy in my family tree... He's hanging in the backyard. +6377,2,"A man goes to the doctor and says: ""Doctor I am very sad"" Doctor: ""Treatment is simple - go see Orville, very funny clown!"" Pagliacci: ""What about Pagliacci?"" Doctor: ""Pagliacci? Man I could not name a more suckass clown!"" Pagliacci: ... Doctor: ""Just downright dogshit of a clown"" " +6378,2,My girlfriend ran off with a member of ISIS and said shes never coming back I guess she didnt know what Jihad. +6379,0,"Hey, give us back our alphabet, butthole! Hey, Phoenicians, the Egyptians called, and they want their Proto-Sinaitic script back, since it's based on their hieroglyphs. Buttholes. Hey! Greeks! The Phoenicians called, and they want their alphabet back! Hey, Romans! The Greeks called, and they want their alphabet back! Hey! Englishmen! The Romans called, and they want their alphabet back! Hey! Post-nuclear apocalyptic mutant lizard people! The last living humans called, and they want their alphabet back! Bunch of jerk-face buttholes." +6380,0,Why was the mal-nourished druid obsessed with planting saplings? Their doctor told them they needed more new treants. +6381,6,"Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said, ""The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.""" +6382,3,"Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, ""Wow, thats got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site""" +6383,0,My Dad always told me never chase buses or women. You always get left behind. +6384,0,The plot twist at the end always gets me 835 +6385,0,Why is Bruce Wayne's hair messed up? Because of his cowlick. +6386,3,"The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals... The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ""Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'" +6387,0,What's black and white and can divide the largest numbers without much effort? Obama +6388,3,what's the difference between a unicorn and a girlfriend? i am 8 times more likely to find a unicorn +6389,1,"Your best friend has three girlfriends Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick? " +6390,1,Did you know that 38% of American women are on medications for being some form of crazy? This is terrifying because that means that 62% of American women are walking around unmedicated! +6391,3,"A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on... A police constable stops him and asks: ""Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here"". The boy innocently replies, ""Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle"". " +6392,5,"I went by the house I grew up in... I went up to the door and asked if I could go in and look around, they said ""No"" and slammed the door. My parents are dicks." +6393,4,"A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, ""readings $10 per person"". He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan. The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes. She says, ""Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."" ""wow"", said the guy, ""those are my favourite songs!"" ""impressive"", he continues, ""please, tell me my future"" ""can not"" exclaims the gypsy, ""I am just a four tune teller""" +6394,0,What do you call Germans with a sense of humor Syrian Immigrants +6395,2,I cut myself on a piece of perforated paper. It was tearable. +6396,3,"Your mom is so fat.. Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat." +6397,1,Did ya hear Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight?? It was a family fued! +6398,2,Step 1: Name your dog miles. Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day +6399,0,I’ve come to the realization that my PC is almost like my girlfriend at this point... Seeing as it’s the only thing that gets frequently turned on by me. +6400,3,What do you call a bee hive with no exit? Unbelievable! +6401,8,"Bro, do you want this pamphlet? Brochure." +6402,3,Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is. +6403,0,A man walks into a search bar Just kidding. No one ever does that. +6404,8,"That’s a nice ham you’ve got there... It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end..." +6405,0,Now I know that if I ever get tired of my right hand.... I can just book a flight with United Airlines. +6406,2,"Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face. By taking down the Christmas tree." +6407,2,"My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP… I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold." +6408,1,My boss told me to have a nice day So I went home. +6409,2,How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to smoke until the room starts spinning. +6410,0,Hillary mistakenly chose her VP based on her doctors recommendations. He said she needed a cane for support. +6411,0,"What did Xi Jinping say when asked about the proposed US-China collaboration in a lunar project? *""It's all up in the air!""*" +6412,1,I went to the doctor I went to my doctor and told him I want to take over the west and kill all the infidels. He told me I was just having a midlife isis +6413,2,"A Southern man goes into a New England bar. He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, ""Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"" The bartender replies, ""Yale."" ""Okay,"" says the Southern man. ""DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?""" +6414,0,"How do you know if an Asian has been to your house? Your computer is upgraded, your homework is done, and that little bastard is still trying to back out of your driveway." +6415,0,What do you call a vacation on drugs? Pretty trippy. +6416,3,Why is it called an orgasm? It would called an andgasm if we were both meant to have it +6417,1,Why did cat woman go to Nepal? Because Kathmandu. +6418,5,What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber. +6419,5,How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows; they never get the house.  +6420,0,An anti-vaxxer walks into a bar Gets insulted on Reddit +6421,5,"Little Nancy Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, ""What are you up to there, Nancy?"" ""My goldfish died,"" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, ""and I've just buried him."" The neighbor was concerned, ""That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, ""That's because he's inside your fucking cat.""" +6422,1,"I told my boss I had to call in because I have anal glaucoma... He said: ""what does that even mean?"" I told him: ""I couldn't see my ass coming into work today""" +6423,2,What do you call a funny Amy Schumer joke A miracle +6424,3,What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of weed? May I be blunt with you? +6425,0,What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. +6426,0,"The hot-headed doctor ""Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, 'Professor, I'm unable to lie down or stand up; I can't even sit down.' The doctor responds: 'I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself.'""" +6427,0,Why does McDonalds call it a Big Mac? Because Big Dick didn't test well. (MCDonald's history humor) +6428,3,"A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili. The older cowboy next to him says, ""here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"" So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted. The older cowboy said, ""Yep, I had the same reaction.""" +6429,0,What did the neckbeard pop-rapper say to the attractive bank teller examining his negative account balance? Post M'loan? +6430,0,My new rabbit is sick. He’s got hopatitis. +6431,1,"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ""Where's the self-help section?"" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." +6432,3,What Do You Call A Cheap Curcumcision? A Rip Off. +6433,2,"The biggest lie ""I have read the terms and conditions""" +6434,3,"If Apple was a pirate ship, what would their sailors wear? An iPatch" +6435,0,While in the drivethru getting coffee this morning I was asked if I'd like to donate a dollar towards Ronald McDonald's house. Hell no! That greedy ass weird haired billionaire clown can pay for his own house! +6436,5,"Mom, I'm dating a man. ""Whom, sweetheart?"" ""Mike the mailman."" ""Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"" ""But mom, age is just a number."" ""Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.""" +6437,2,"Kiss goodbye Wife: ""Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"" Husband: ""How can I? I don't even know her.""" +6438,3,How do you harvest crops in the winter? With an ice sickle +6439,2,A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker. He felt a small pain. +6440,4,What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters? White noise +6441,5,How much sleep does a teenager need? Just five more minutes. +6442,2,What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files? space.odt +6443,2,Have you ever seen something and just wanted to devour it? Anyways I lost my job as a gynecologist today. +6444,0,"someone should've given Hugh Glass a defibrillator so he could've told the bear ""don't you die on me""" +6445,3,"A bus carrying 53 politicians rolls off a cliff.... A farmer sees what happened and buries all the politicians. Two hours later there are 100 reporters at the farmhouse to interview the poor fellow. One reporter asked him - did you make sure they were all dead before burying them? The farmer replied - the truth is, some of them said they were still alive, but I know never to trust a politician! " +6446,2,"My friend who bought an old house says sometimes he hears a melancholy voice at night. Particularly one that whispers, ""Sigh, I guess these new tenants will have to do."" I told him to ignore the noises. That it's just natural. It's just the old house - settling." +6447,0,"In life, we should all aim to be like Italian meatballs. Well seasoned and well rounded." +6448,0,How much should I drink on 4/20? Roughly a fifth? +6449,1,What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels... At least the elephants you could reason with +6450,2,TIFU by posting a joke online... You had already reddit. +6451,2,What happens when Al Gore plays an instrument? He feels the algorithm +6452,0,I got a raise at the keyboard factory today They told me that I have so much Ctrl. +6453,4,"All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead. I beg to differ." +6454,1,Did you hear about the chef arrested for tax evasion? His mis-spelled nouvelle cuisine and got caught cooking the books. +6455,0,What's the best part of a movie? The climax. +6456,0,Which state declares she's a prostitute? Idaho +6457,3,"A man is sitting at a bar when a cop runs in. ""Sir,"" the cop shouts, holding up a strip of undeveloped film, ""Is this you?!"" The man looks at the film strip, then at the officer. ""That's a negative, sir.""" +6458,1,I don't like kids who still have to wear nappies. They are so full of themselves. +6459,4,"If life hands you melons, you may be dyslexic. " +6460,3,"I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday. She replied, ""Toes Go In First"". " +6461,0,What were the suicidal cowboy with dysentery last words? I'm going to die-a-YEE HAW! +6462,0,"I know a guy who OD'd on pot. He choked on a moon pie. (I don't know who came up with this joke, but it wasn't me)" +6463,0,Was putting food in the bird feed and was asked how they would know to find it. Birds use social media. They tweet. +6464,2,Where do you hide if you kill a black man? Behind a badge. +6465,1,What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for the golf ball. +6466,1,"Did you hear the one about the pizza? Na, it's too cheesy!" +6467,2,"Three women are drinking at a bar. As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are. The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in. The second woman says ""That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"" The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool." +6468,1,Do you know what would be funny if they had on planes..... Wing mirrors!! +6469,0,"I have an Emerson, Lake, & Palmer album on vinyl I guess you can say I have it on an ELP" +6470,2,I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine... It has its ups and downs... +6471,0,9/11 jokes... ....are just plane wrong and so are jokes about handicapped people. I just can't stand them. +6472,0,What did Trump mean when he said he would Make America Great Again? He would bring back slavery. +6473,0,"A two-legged cat walks into a bar... and the cat says: ""I lost the game.""" +6474,2,What did Ted Bundy order for his last meal? Chick Fil a *came up with that on my own. If you can improve on it feel free. +6475,0,What do you call a black man on the moon? An Astronaut you fucking racist. +6476,4,"A feminist asked me how I see lesbian relationships ""In 1080p"" was apparently the wrong answer" +6477,4,I didn't let my boyfriend ejaculate in my eye because semen shoots out his dick like a bullet. He was mad at first but then he came a round. +6478,1,"A kid walks up to his grandpa and asks him for a cigarette The grandpa asks, Can your dick touch your asshole? Kid says no so grandpa tells him to ask again when it can. Later the kid asks his grandpa for a beer and his grandpa asks again if his dick can touch his asshole, again kid says no and grandpa tells him to come back when it can. Later that night the kid is holding a tray of cookies and the grandpa asks if he can have one, so the kid asks grandpa if his dick can touch his asshole, the grandpa proudly says yes while reaching for a cookie but the kid quickly pulls away the tray and yells THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF." +6479,3,"What's the difference between Batman, and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin. Ba-Dum-Tis!!!!!!!" +6480,0,Denuvo What? That was it. +6481,6,"A chicken walks into a library The librarian asks what it wants. It says ‘book, book, book’ so the librarian gives it some books and the chicken walks out. An hour later, the chicken returns and says ‘book, book, book’ and the librarian, though confused with why the chicken returned so soon, lent it more books. Another hour passes, and the same chicken comes with the same request; ‘book, book, book’. This time, the librarian gives it more books, but decides to follow it to see what it’s doing with them. After following behind the chicken for a while, they begin to walk through a swamp. The librarian, suddenly apprehensive, decides maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Just before she turns around, she sees that the chicken has stopped. As she gets a bit closer, the librarian sees a lily pad, with a small frog sat on top. The chicken passes the books to the frog, and it replies ‘reddit, reddit, reddit’" +6482,0,Both toilets on ISS are broken down... Shit has hit the fan now. +6483,0,My wife has trains run on her Our four year old should really stop pretending his mom is a train track +6484,1,"I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair. He agreed, but on one condition. " +6485,0,"I appreciate there's a sex offender registry for my new neighborhood. How else would I find new, like-minded friends?" +6486,1,My neighbor put a ribbon of poop in front of his door and started rambling about the importance of scaring salespeople away when I asked to borrow some milk. So I told him to cut the crap and let me in. +6487,0,People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life +6488,2,"So an animal testing lab accidentally let one of its rabbits out. The bunny hopped along till it found a wild rabbit. It asked the wild bunny ""Can you help me? I don't know what bunnies do!"" The wild rabbit said, ""Let's go eat some crops!"" So they go to a farmer's field and chow down. As they are sitting there the lab rabbit says, ""What do we do now?"" The wild bunny says ""We go find some females and screw 'em!"" The lab bunny has never had it so good! So they're resting after a rabbit orgy and the wild rabbit says ""Let's go to the burrow now and sleep."" The lab bunny says ""No, I've got to go home-- I'm just dying for a cigarette!""" +6489,3,Why was 10 traumatized? Because it was in the middle of 9/11. +6490,2,"Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad. A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - ""Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"" The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it off and went to bed. The next day, the father was in complete shock to hear of his father-in-law's passing. He thought about what his daughter said but dismissed it as a brutal coincidence. That same night he tucked his daughter to bed and she said - ""Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandmommy"" Again the father felt disturbed by that last part but thought that lightning wouldn't strike in the same place twice. The next morning he gets a call saying that his mother had passed away in her sleep. The father [understandably] was speechless. On the third night, as he tucked his daughter to bed she said - ""Goodnight Mom, goodbye forever Dad"" The father shat himself and wouldn't take any chances. The next morning he gathered supplies and he rushed to his office. He promised to lock himself in his office until midnight to avoid death. After the anxious, arduous day, the clock finally strikes 12am and he's safe! He's not dead! When the father gets home he finds his wife waiting for him by the kitchen table. ""James, where have you been all day?"" ""Just uh... the office... had to catch up on some work. How was your day?"" ""Horrible. Just as we were about to seal a big business investment, my boss collapsed and died right in the middle of the board meeting""" +6491,2,After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.... Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling +6492,1,What's a pirate's least favorite letter? A letter from an ISP saying they've been downloading illegally. +6493,1,"Expensive hat! A 50 year old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship. .... She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away..... A gentleman approached the lady and said ..... ""Ma'am, .... I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up""..... The lady replied, ...... ""Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away""...... ""I understand,..ma'am,..... but .... you aren't wearing any panties"", ..... replied the gentleman. The lady looked down then ...... back up at the gentleman and said, ""Sir, .... anything you see down there is 50 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"".... " +6494,1,What did Bill Cosby call Donald Trump? A rookie. +6495,2,I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish But the punchline was uncomfortable. +6496,1,What do you call a person who thinks zombies are superior to people? A wight supremacist +6497,3,"While in bed, my girlfriend screamed, ""Oh my god, it's so big!"" Then I saw the spider. " +6498,0,"I went to go buy clothes, but they were closed on Sunday for Blue law. I guess they were clothesed." +6499,2,Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose +6500,4,What is Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine? Crimea-River +6501,0,"The Crocodile Dachshund The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that the continuation of the battle could lead to the destruction of the whole world. Therefore, they decided to stop the carnage and solve the dispute in an ancient way: a duel! As between David and Goliath. And this ""duel"" should be a dog fight ... The mediators agreed that each party is given 5 years to grow the best fighting dog that they can. The dog that wins will deserve for its people the right to lead on this disputed land, and the losing side will have to lay down arms in an amicable way. The Arabs found the largest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They crossed them, and then crossed their puppies with the worst Siberian wolves. They chose only the largest and most powerful puppy of all litters, fed it with the best food, used steroids and found the best trainers to create the best ""killing machine"". 5 years later. The Arabs had a dog that needed steel prison bars for the cage! Only an expert coach could handle this extremely terrible and ferocious monster. When the day of the big dog fight came, the Israelis appeared with a very strange looking animal. It was a terribly disproportionate dachshund, 3 meters long! Every spectator in the arena felt pity for the Israelis. Nobody seriously thought that this strange, incomprehensible animal has at least one chance to stand against the snarling monster sitting on the chain in the Arab camp. All totes predicted that the Arabian dog would defeat Israel in a matter of seconds. When the cells were opened, the dachshund slowly hobbled to the center of the circle. The Arabian dog jumped out of the cage and, splashing saliva, rushed to the giant strange dog of the Israelis. When the Arabian dog was in inches from the Israeli dog, the dachshund opened its mouth and ... swallowed the Arab monster in one sitting! Nothing left, well, maybe, except for a tiny scrap of wool from the tail of an Arab dog ... The dumbfounded crowd of international observers, brokers and journalists published a general cry of unbelief and surprise. Everyone was confused. The Arabs approached the Israelites, muttering and shaking their heads, stricken. ""We do not understand,"" said their leader. ""Our best scientists worked without rest for 5 years, crossed the worst, the largest Dobermans and Rottweilers with Siberian wolves, brought an incredible"" killing machine ""from the dog! .. But how?!. .. "" To which the Israelis responded: ""We just assembled a team of the best plastic surgeons to make a crocodile look like a dachshund"" ..." +6502,2,Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat. The first two nuns each had a stroke. The third nun couldn't reach. +6503,0,"You know we killed the last American Buffalo in 1818? Yeah, it’s the bisontenennial." +6504,2,How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot. +6505,0,Last night I slept like a baby. Up every two hours crying for my mommy. +6506,0,"Does anyone here have telekinesis? If so, raise my hand!" +6507,2,What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear. The other is a GREAT year. +6508,0,"A young boy wakes up and bursts out of bed. He runs downstairs and into the kitchen, ecstatic that today is his birthday, and finds his father sitting at the table. ""Dad! Dad! Guess what! It's my birthday!"" he exclaims. ""That's right, son,"" his dad replies, ""You're seven years old today!"" The child runs out into the living room after a few laps around the table, and finds his two siblings. He proceeds to harass them about how it's his birthday. ""It's my birthday! Ha ha! Not yours!"" Then he runs into the laundry room where he finds his grandmother folding clothes from the dryer. ""Grandma! Grandma! Guess what! It's my birthday! Guess how old I am!"" ""Well let me see..."" she says as she slips her hand down his pajamas and kneads his balls in her hand. A few minutes later she stops and says, ""Well now, you must be seven!"" ""Wow grandma! How'd you know?!"" ""I heard your dad tell you.""" +6509,3,If you're not part of the solution You're part of the precipitate. +6510,0,Today I met a bird who has a Reddit account I asked him how he keeps his identity a secret; turns out he uses a nom de plume. +6511,0,Three Men walk into a bar And I'm surprised no one noticed it +6512,2,What do you call a lesson in farting? A tootorial. +6513,0,What do you call a dictionary on drug? Addictionary. +6514,0,"How tall are the twin towers? 9"" 11" +6515,4,I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek But I had to take a year off to find myself. +6516,0,Did you hear about the shy turtle having an orgasm? Apparently he came out of his shell. +6517,2,"What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch? Names. All credit to Bo Burnham for this one." +6518,0,What did the Doc say to Scotty? Great Scott. +6519,1,Why was Twelve scared of Eleven? Because Eleven has telekinetic abilities. +6520,3,I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe. She said it's on a knead to dough basis. +6521,1,How does Moses make tea He brews it.. +6522,3,What’s the difference between me and God? My parents actually believe in God +6523,6,Here's a joke about China [redacted] +6524,1,"Two astronauts are floating aimlessly through space when one of them starts giggling uncontrollably. The other looks at him and says, ""Do you understand the gravity of this situation?""" +6525,0,An old woman fell in a well She didn't see that well. +6526,2,"The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman is ""beautiful""... ...because bitches love it when you call them ""beautiful""" +6527,2,"A dog sits down at a roulette table A dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center. ""Put it all on grey.""" +6528,0,Why can’t you run in a campground? You can only “ran” because it’s past tense. +6529,4,I saw a chameleon today.... I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon. +6530,0,"It's not gay when it's a three-way... ...unless you're all guys. Then, it's pretty gay. I mean, in a good way. No judgment here. Really, enjoy yourselves." +6531,4,If at first you don't succeed Skydiving isn't for you. +6532,0,"I asked my wife what she wanted to eat she replied ""I don't care"" So I stuck a stick through my dick and gave her a sucker " +6533,0,Why are there no black magicians? They get arrested when they make something disappear. +6534,0,"My friend named his dog haha Now the dog is missing, we are juat running around yelling hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.............................................................................................." +6535,4,"My favorite joke of all time... (I know this is a repost, and I don't care) 3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, ""Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."" A short while later, the first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says ""Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."" So the guy sets to work. He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot. Pretty soon, the second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same. He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot. He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, ""Why did you do that? You were almost there, why did you laugh?"" and the second guy replies, ""Well I nearly finished when I saw the third guy walking up with pineapples!""" +6536,0,"So my friend and I were playing Roblox the other day One of us died, and the Roblox death sound plays, which is kind of a meme, and super cringy. My friend mentions how cringy it is. ""I know!"" I say, ""it kills me just to hear it!"" ​ **Oof**, the cringe!" +6537,0,Why don't Blonde like to make Kool-Aid Cause they can't figure out how to to put 2 Qts of water in to that little packet. +6538,1,"My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic." +6539,4,What do you call an argument you have while you're high? Grass fed beef. BTW I came up with this myself. +6540,0,"I wont believe my girlfriend is pregnant. She told we were having a baby and I said ""that's just not possible"". When I asked her ""are you absolutely sure"" she said ""I'm 100 placenta""." +6541,6,Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog +6542,4,"Boss: ""If I catch you sleeping on the job again, you're fired!"" Me: ""I understand. Won't happen again."" Boss: ""Now go inventory the sheep."" Me: ""Oh no!""" +6543,1,What do you call it when a commander becomes nervous? General anxiety +6544,0,"I was sharing a pizza with a homeless guy ... ... he told me to f*ck off and get my own. To be fair, i didnt think he could have finished it all by himself " +6545,0,"A man with terminal cancer is gazing at the sunset. As he's looking back on his life and coming to terms with his death, he gets a sort of primal urge to just start digging a hole. So he grabs a shovel and digs and digs and keeps digging. He digs so far down that he breaks into the roof of a cave, falls to the floor, and dies. This joke isn't very funny, but it sure is deep!" +6546,3,"A young grandson is talking to his grandfather. ""You know grandpa. Our generation is so much better then yours. We have video games, the internet, cell phones and so much cool technology. Your generation didn't have any of that!"" His grandfather replies; ""You're right, we didn't have any of those things around. That's why we had to invent them!""" +6547,2,"I just flew in from Chernobyl, And boy are my arms legs!" +6548,1,"The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits... General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training. Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern. “Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” He shouted in typical military fashion. “What is it private!” The sergeant said stalking over to him looking for all the world like a wiry crouching bobcat. “Well you see, sir,” said Johnny, trying to hide his discomfort, “I’ve never ridden a horse. Is there a really gentle one I could learn to ride on?” “Ha!” The sergeant laughed accommodatingly, “Jenkins! Fetch that young stallion over there, and bring him.” Johnny was starting to relax. Handing him the reigns the sergeant said, “Now son you said you’ve never ridden a horse. Well this horse has never been rid. You two amateurs can start together!” " +6549,5,When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. +6550,1,What's the difference between a redditor and a calendar? A calendar only repeats itself every 12 months. +6551,2,"Once upon a time In a kingdom lived a princess who enjoyed many men. To stop this the king put a razor blade inside her vagina. Reportedly one man slept with her and got away unscathed so the king asked him how he did it, to which he replied: "" I athe thfe pushhy""" +6552,8,"I got voted ""Least Likely To Succeed"" by my high school class... Fuck, I hate being a teacher." +6553,4,"Due to the non existent atmosphere on the moon, the american flag is by now completely white. Great, now everyone thinks the French were the first..." +6554,1,I am a master of tearable puns But only on paper +6555,0,Having sex with underage girls is disgusting. That makes them like 8 or 9. I prefer sex with underage women. +6556,0,How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? At least two; if you’re stuck in the lightbulb by yourself masturbation is the best you can get. +6557,1,"Cojones de Arena An American tourist in Mexico went to see the famous bullfights. On the way back to his hotel, he saw a cantina that advertised ""Cojones de Arena"" as the special of the day. Curious, he went inside and asked about them. ""Si, senor, Cojones de Arena are the testicles of the freshly killed bull from the bullfights. They are very delicious!"" ""Ok, I'll bite."" True to the waiters word, they were delicious, so delicious the tourist resolved to come back the next day for more. On his return on the morrow, he ordered the cojones only to be served some pathetic little ovoids about an inch and a half long. ""Waiter! Oh, waiter!"" The waiter comes over and the man complains ""Why are these so small? Yesterday I had the same dish and they were a good 4 or 5 inches across?"" The waiter gets a sad look on his face, and says ""Si, senor. You see, the bull, he does not always lose!""" +6558,2,I went to a seafood disco last night Pulled a mussel +6559,1,"I like my women, like I like my coffee... ...Without a penis." +6560,3,Where did Captain Hook get his hook? The second hand store. +6561,0,What is yellow and can't swim? A CAT. +6562,1,What did baby corn say to momma corn? Where's pop corn? +6563,5,"A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray ""Is this good for wasps?"" he asked the assistant. ""No, it kills them.""" +6564,0,"Yesterday, I donated my phone to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket." +6565,2,"Awesome name Thanks, it was a birthday gift" +6566,2,What do you call a Bee that tries to interfere with an election? A Cagey Bee. +6567,2,I dated a girl once who turned out to be a cannibal. That really came back to bite me in the ass. +6568,0,"I hate the game Dominos so much... Why? Well, I just I can't place it..." +6569,0,What's the best way to kill a fox? Cut off it's leg and make it run across Canada +6570,2,"Trump says: ""The Continental Army… manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do."" What, you don't believe they took over airports? Surely you've heard of the Jefferson Airplane?" +6571,4,Just threw a rock 5280 feet. That’s a real milestone. +6572,0,"Two Grief Counselors Are On Vacation To Africa For a Fishing Trip A few minutes in and one looks over to the other and says ""I think my water bottle has a leak, my pants are soaking wet!"" The other Grief Counselor responds with ""No it's alright, you're just in *denial*""" +6573,0,"Arthritis A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and said, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!” The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I'll be darned,” then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” The drunk answered, “I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”" +6574,0,Dont fight dinosaurs Youll get jurass-kicked. +6575,3,"A little boy says to his nursery school teacher... ...""I found a dead cat."" ""How do you it was dead?"" asked the teacher. ""I pissed in its ear and it didn't move"" ""You did what???"" ""You know, it didn't move when I leaned over and went 'Pssst' in it's ear""" +6576,0,What's Justin Trudeau's favorite song? Back in Black +6577,1,A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce. +6578,3,How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch +6579,3,Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now? Valentine's Day is coming +6580,1,Did you hear about the Jewish tire? Not only can it stop on a dime but it can also pick it up. +6581,2,Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. +6582,2,Two smut writers get together... That night there was a lot of fanfriction. +6583,0,What do you call a pie with a radius of 3.14159... A π +6584,0,What do you call a tortoise in a shell suit? A tortoise. +6585,4,"What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog? Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you " +6586,1,What is the best thing about taking a date to see a play by Shakespeare? Getting to know her afterwords. +6587,3,A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds... Poor bastard.. +6588,0,Me and my girlfriend broke up because she's been activating my allergies. I'm sick of her arguments. +6589,1,"True love lasts forever It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’" +6590,2,A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died... She is sadly mist. +6591,2,"wanna hear a joke about sodium? actually Na, you wont get it" +6592,5,I love the way the Earth rotates It really makes my day +6593,0,League of Legends: I know how Cassiopeia feels... My asthma impairs movement as well. :/ +6594,0,Why did the redditor eat his dinner on a paper plate? Because he hates China +6595,4,"A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken... and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined. 'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire. 'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer. '10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer' 'I'm truly sorry. I can't.' The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?' The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'" +6596,0,How much does a paint-job on your car cost? Hopefully less than a handjob. now i die of syphilis bye veronica +6597,2,"Quiet and Trouble Once upon a time there lived two brothers called Quiet and Trouble. One day the both of them got lost in a fair. A policeman found Quiet who looked visibly distressed. The cop asked him ""What's the matter boy,what's your name?"" Quiet said the boy. The cop angrily replied ""Are you looking for trouble?"" . ""Yes but I can't find him"" replied Quiet." +6598,0,Why do fisherman work long hours? They have to keep up their net intake. +6599,2,"I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control. Unfortunately, something came up." +6600,3,How do you recognize a rich Ethiopian? He wears a Rolex around his waist. +6601,0,Which Transformer has the best deals? Amazon Prime +6602,2,Everybody don't want sam to sing But samsung anyways. +6603,4,"Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm? The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beanstalk. " +6604,0,What's another name for a teepee? Injinuity +6605,4,Chuck Norris died this morning He's fine now. +6606,2,I've only been in jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice. My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly. +6607,2,Did you hear the joke about butter? No? I guess it didn't spread then +6608,4,"Speeding Ticket Test A man is driving down the highway going 90 mph when he is pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the car and talks to the man. Cop: Do you know I clocked you going 90 mph, I'm going to have to give you a ticket. Man: Please officer, I'm on my way to the city. My son is in the hospital and I need to be with him. Cop: I'm sorry but I need to give you a ticket. Man: Sir, I've never had a ticket in over 40 years of driving. Can you please let me go? Cop: How about this, I ask you a question. If you get it right you get no ticket, but if you're wrong you get a ticket. Fair? Man: Sounds fair. Cop: You're driving down the highway at night, and in the other lane you see 2 square lights coming toward you. What is it? Man: Well its a car! Cop: That's not specific enough, it could be a Honda, a Chevy or a Ford. Man: Well that's just not fair... Cop: Well how about this one? You're driving down the highway and you see a singular light coming toward you. What is it? Man: Well its obviously a motorcycle. Cop: That's not specific enough, it could be a Harley Davidson, could be a Honda, or a Kawasaki Man: Sir these questions just aren't fair! Cop: Oh well, looks like you're getting a ticket! Man: How about this, I ask you a question. If you get it right you give me a ticket, if you're wrong I don't get a ticket. Fair? Cop: Go ahead. Man: You're driving down the street when all of a sudden you see this woman dressed very scantily, with her cleavage showing, a lot of make up, a little purse and every man that walks by her she hits on. What is that? Cop: Well its obviously a whore! Man: Well that's not specific enough! It could be your wife, your mother, your daughter or your sister! " +6609,0,"So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment. Whoops, wrong sub." +6610,5,If smoking is so bad for you How come it cures salmon? +6611,3,"Farmer Joe's Bull, breaks down the fence, yet again.... Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says ""I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting""" +6612,1,Mudering people is a lot like smoking cigarettes I can stop any time I want. +6613,4,"A girl walks into a ""no questions asked"" abortion clinic. The nurse says, ""How can I help you?"" Girl says, ""LYING BASTARDS!"" and leaves." +6614,0,What do you call one billion facebook users piled on top of each other? suckerberg +6615,3,Alcohol is our worst enemy Good thing Jesus taught us all to love our enemies. +6616,2,"Uncle Fritz Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, ""Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have to invite my Uncle Fritz and Aunt Greta."" Joanne looked at him aghast. ""Your German relatives?!?! Every time we visit them, Fritz gets loaded on schnapps and causes a scene. It's so embarrassing!"" Jim nodded his head. ""I know honey. I feel the same way, but my parents are paying for the wedding and they never get to see them. I can't say no. Also, it gets worse, they want them at the head table."" Joanne bit her lip, but knew she would have to acquiesce. ""Fine, I'm grateful for everything your parents have done, so we can give them this."" The day of the wedding arrived and soon enough they found themselves sitting as a family at the head table. Fritz, already swaying from pre-dinner drinks, had the serving staff forming a bucket line from the bar. Jim gritted his teeth and quietly asked his father to help manage any outbursts. As soon as the time for speeches came, Jim's father stood up, clinked his glass to get everyone's attention, and raised his voice. ""Attention everyone! If like to raise a today toast to Jim and Joanne. I remember when Jim a boy, he always said he would grow up to marry the most beautiful girl in the world and we never believed him, but he proved us wrong! Cheers to the happy couple!"" Everyone raised their glasses, but no sooner had the cheers subsided when Uncle Fritz lurched to his feet and shouted, ""I remember when Jim was a little boy! He said he would marry the most pretty girl! And he married the pretty girl! Prost!"" There was some nervous laughter and everyone raised their glasses to humor him before turned to Joanne's understandably confused mother who had just stood to give her toast. ""Uh, thank you Fritz. Joanna and Jim make such a wonderful couple. I know they will have a long, happy life and give us plenty of grandchildren. So here's to them. Cheers!"" The guests hadn't even raises their glasses in response when Fritz jumped to his feet, pushed Joanne's mother out of the way, and raised his glass. ""Jim and Joanne will live a happy life and make lots of babies! Prost! Mortified, Jim signaled his father to handle the situation. His father rose, led Fritz back to his seat, and turned to his sister. ""Greta! Please! Isn't there something you can do? He's not doing anything constructive and he's just repeating everyone else's toast!"" Greta just sighed and shook her head. ""I know and I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do. He just discovered Reddit last week and now he re-Prosts everything! """ +6617,1,"Me: Doc, I’m afraid of yttrium Doctor: Why? Me: _Screams_" +6618,0,"If a woman listens to you for less than 5 minutes.... If a woman listens to you for less than 5 minutes then she is your daughter. If a woman listens to you for about 15 minutes then she is your sister. If a woman listens to you for over 30 minutes then she is your mother. And ultimately If a woman pretends to listen to you all the time but does not remember a word of what you said no matter how important, then she is....??????? .. .. .. .. Yes , Yes.... You are correct!!!!!! 😆 .... . . *SHE IS DEAF* Why bring wife into every joke😜" +6619,3,"A lady gives birth to twins Once upon a time, a lady was pregnant with twin boys. She said to her husband “Whatever I say when they come out will be their names.” He agreed. The first one came out and she said “Jesus Christ!” So, oddly enough, that was his name. The second one came out and she said “Motherfucker!” So, his name was Motherfucker. They get older and on their first day of kindergarten, the teacher is going around the room asking the kids what their name’s are. She gets to the first one and he says “My name is Jesus Christ.” She says “No, really, what’s your name?” He says “My name really is Jesus Christ.” She says “Tell me your name or go to the principal’s office.” He stands up, looks at his brother and says “Come on Motherfucker. She’s not gonna believe you either.”" +6620,0,Ever seen a movie titled 'Constipation'? No? That's because it hadn't come out yet. +6621,3,My girlfriend is like the square root of negative 100... A solid 10; but imaginary +6622,0,Memory Has my memory always been this bad? Or is it getting worse? I can’t remember... +6623,1,Politicians are like diapers They both need changing often for the same reason +6624,3,"I'm so grateful to the teacher who defined the word ""plethora"" for me... ...it meant a lot." +6625,3,How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency? He had a great Al Gore rhythm. +6626,1,What does your mom and the Reddit front page have in common? I've been on top of both... +6627,0,Did you get the emails about penis reductions? I figured you hadn't. +6628,0,"My bf and I finished dinner and I was washing dishes in the sink... I said, “aren’t you gonna help clean the dishes” He said, “it’s a bit crowded at the sink” “I’m finished. The sink is at your....disposal!”" +6629,2,"I'm trying to decide whether to start a honey farm. To bee, or not to bee. That is the question." +6630,2,If everyone had the memory of a goldfish. I forgot where I was going with this..... +6631,0,"Three women in a bar 3 women are sitting at a bar discussing how wide their pussy is. The first says ""My boyfriend can fit his whole hand in there."" The second says ""My boyfriend can fit his entire forearm in there."" The first 2 look at the third woman as she smirks and slides the bar stool inside her." +6632,0,"Yes I have a criminal record, can be your property manager? Sure, I have a devil on my shoulder, But I have God... Jesus, Allah, Hare Krishna... I have morals." +6633,2,The only reason Jeff bezos got a divorce Was because he realised it was a union +6634,0,"Guy uses ""bungalow"" instead of ""home"" I remember in 6th grade public school, one of my friends in the class used the word ""bungalow"" as often as possible and every time he needed to say ""house"" or ""home"" he swapped it for ""bungalow"" and me and the rest of the class thought it was hilarious so everyone in class started using it as well to say things like ""I brought my from the bungalow today"" or whatever and the teachers HATED IT it started getting out of hand when we were learning about the presidents and we often needed to say ""the white house"" so of course we would say ""the white bungalow"" the teacher was so furious and than there was a ban on the word and if anyone said it they were sent to the office. I remember the kid who started all this, once got in trouble for something petty like sharing his homework with a classmate, and the teacher said that she was going to call home to his mom and he just stood up and cried out: "" No Ms ....! Please don't call Home ! and there was this huge silence because he just raised his voice to the teacher and than a huge smile spread across his face and he said ""call bungalow instead"" and i swear the whole class rioted ... it was amazing TOTALLY WORTH IT !" +6635,0,"A Harvard grad and a Cambridge grad are in a public bathroom. The Cambridge grad finishes first, goes to the sink to wash up. The Harvard grad finishes, walks straight to the exit. The Cambridge grad says: “At Cambridge, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom.” The Harvard grad walks out the door and says: “At Harvard, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”" +6636,1,What's the difference between a pound and a kilo? You can't kilo your cock in your lady's ass. +6637,0,What do you call a mad lunch? Hater-tots +6638,1,I may have Alzheimer's... ...but at least I don't have Alzheimer's! +6639,0,"LOST DOG! He's blind in one eye, missing half his tail, and has a broken leg. He answer's to the name Lucky." +6640,1,What did one snowman say to the other? Nice balls. +6641,1,What is Ramsay Bolton's favorite band? Cold Flay +6642,1,"They say when you point the finger, three fingers are pointing back at you. That's why I always accuse people with my full erection. Checkmate." +6643,0,"I'm going to strike while the iron is hot. And if that doesn't work, I'm starting a union for dry cleaners." +6644,0,Why are sheep so popular among farmers? +6645,0,A religious American just went on a killing spree with out killing anyone. Talk about a bad AIMish +6646,2,"r/jokes: The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!" +6647,5,Where do german parents send their ADD kids? Concentration Camps +6648,0,I went to the Dr. with symptoms of a sore thumb and swollen forearm ... He diagnosed me with Tinder-nitis +6649,3,What do you call an Avogadro's number of buttocks? Molasses. +6650,3,"Three Daughters One day a girl comes up to her mom and asks her, ""Mother, why did you name me Rose?"" ""Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."" Her second daughter comes up to her and asks, ""Mother, why did you name me Daisy?"" ""Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."" The third daughter comes up to her and asks, ""GHLSARGHLARGHLARG."" ""What did you say Brick?""" +6651,2,"What did the frog, trapped in the computer, say? Reddit! " +6652,0,"Two blokes sit next to each other on the bus... 5 minutes into the ride, one bloke starts picking up a foul smell. After another minute, he notices that the smell is most certainly coming from the bloke next to him, and sees that he’s got a shoebox. So he asks the bloke “what’s in the shoebox?”. “Bit awkward” he replies “I’ll show you.” He opens the shoebox and there’s a massive turd in there, starting to soak through the cardboard. Bloke 1: “What the fuck do you have that for?” Shoebox bloke: “To show my optometrist” B1: “Why in the world would you take that to you optometrist?” SB: “cause every time I do one of these my eyes water”" +6653,4,"A woman walks into a bar Bartender says, ""That's funny, I was expecting a guy""" +6654,0,I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone… ...then it dawned on me. +6655,0,Seems Brazil found it's own 'Lochte'ness monster. Apparently this one refuses to pay tree fiddy. +6656,4,"My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light. Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy. " +6657,3,Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one +6658,2,What was the ram’s favourite Christmas carol? All I Want for Christmas is Ewe +6659,3,"A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a coma and 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well, that isn't so bad; what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew" +6660,6,"A husband died. A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. ""Darling, oh how I've missed you!"" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, ""Woah there woman. The contract was until death.""" +6661,0,"A dick walks into a bar… The bartender says, ""Why the shlong face?"" " +6662,3,"There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning ""I"") then pointed at his knees (meaning ""need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, ""You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."" The other guy replied, ""I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.""" +6663,0,"Quick question for the fellas: Do any of you own a pocket pussy? I’m wondering if they feel realistic or not. What are your thoughts? Only reason I ask is because I purchased one about a year ago and I absolutely love it, but I’m curious if it feels like the real thing" +6664,1,What does the Daddy tree say to the kid tree? Don't be knotty +6665,1,Why did the policeman stay in bed? He was undercover +6666,2,I dont like 9/11 jokes...... But I can't help falling for them. +6667,3,"I recently placed a sugar cube for an ant When he left to get the rest of the ants, I quickly removed the sugar cube. Now everyone else thinks he lied." +6668,1,Missippis state literacy scores are improving. Bravoe! +6669,3,I found a hair in my Snack Pack. It was off-pudding. +6670,1,"There was a pair of Siamese triplets, but they wanted to be a pair. So they cut out the middle man." +6671,0,What do they wear between their shoes and feet in Spain? Thockth. +6672,6,"A child prodigy A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said, ""Madam, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister and she's in grade 4"". The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal's office. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the teacher to send the boy to the 4th grade immediately. The teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Teacher: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Teacher: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky? *The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge* Boy: Bubble gum. Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. *The principal was looking restless* Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: O MY GOD. Teacher: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Teacher: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: oh no!! Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Uhhhhhhh.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, ""Send this boy to the university...Even I got all the answers wrong!""" +6673,2,"Marriage A couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, ""One of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"" The husband looked at his wife and said, ""What do I look like -- a plumber?"" A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. ""The car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"" ""What do I look like -- a mechanic?"" A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. ""Honey there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"" ""What do I look like -- a roofer?"" One weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. When his wife returned home, the husband asked, ""Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"" She replied nonchalantly, ""Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors. He came over and fixed everything."" ""What did it cost?"" ""He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or hooked up with him."" ""What kind of cake did you make?"" ""What do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"" " +6674,3,"Anal is like your first car You don't really want it, but your step dad gives it to you anyway" +6675,1,In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am I’m appealing. +6676,9,"A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff: Height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sheriff: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sheriff: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sheriff: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!" +6677,1,This one time Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest.. His entry left the judges speechless. +6678,4,What's the difference between a cheap beer and a clit? The clit only tastes like piss in the beginning. +6679,0,"Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toybox? She wouldn't stop sitting on Pinocchio's face shouting ""lie to me! Lie to me!""" +6680,1,George Bush was in a briefing one day... “Sir 4 Brazilians were killed in Iraq yesterday.” “Oh NO that’s awful!” He exclaimed “um how many is a Brazilian again?” +6681,2,"Women are a lot like cats You wanna bring that pussy home, but more often than not, it already belongs to someone else" +6682,3,"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff. Baaa-dum-tsss" +6683,3,What's an anti-vaxxers favorite vacuum cleaner? Dyson +6684,2,I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition... I'll knock them down a peg or two +6685,3,"My sex-life is like a Ferrari, I don't have a Ferrari" +6686,0,Why doesn't the ghost show up at the party? Because its always dead. +6687,1,If I'm a neurosurgeon for patients under the age of 16 Does that make me a Child Minder? +6688,2,Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays. You could say they’re all the rage. +6689,0,What's the secret to a happy life ? If you can fake sincerity you got it made. +6690,0,PC culture is toxic and is destroying our freedom Macbooks just as valid of an option +6691,5,"A girl brings her boyfriend to meet her dad... Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy arse? Boyfriend: ... Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job. Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you." +6692,2,What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain. +6693,0,My wife just came home Thank god she did not find my girlfriend in the closet or otherwise she’ll put my head on the keybslsmdjcgavabdkdicyfbrjdkakzndbdjchgju +6694,7,Don’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves? Because I do +6695,0,Why do Native Americans wear feathers? So they don't get accused of working for Comcast +6696,3,How does a bishop get a six pack? He exorcises +6697,2,"Fatherly Advice Pinocchio goes over to Gipetto’s place one afternoon. “Hey, dad. I’m having a problem.” “What’s the problem, son?” “My girlfriend complains that every time we have sex she gets splinters in her va-jay-jay.” “Simple solution, my son. Take this sandpaper home and rub it on your lil’ stump. That’ll take care of everything.” So a few weeks go by and Gipetto hasn’t heard from Pinocchio. He decides to go ‘round to Pinocchio’s house to check on him. “Hey, Pinocchio. How’d everything work out with your girlfriend?” “Girlfriend?” replied Pinocchio. “Who needs a girlfriend?”" +6698,4,"Two dyslexics decide to rob a bank They drew up the plans and had everything in order. The day came and they drove to the bank, pulled up in front and put their ski masks on. They got out, burst through the front doors and screamed, ""Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!""" +6699,2,Why where there two dudes in a ambulance Cause they were a pair-a-medics +6700,0,Why did the horny man give his SO an altoid? He was introducing a predicament +6701,2,What did the terrorist say when his video reached the front page? Holy shit this blew up! +6702,1,"Going to work My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired." +6703,3,I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.. I asked my 18 siblings and none of them had any clue +6704,2,Pot1o Pot2o Pot3o Pot4o Pot5o Pot6o Pot7o Potato. +6705,1,A new Judge in town... Why can't a man with the name Dunn become a judge? Because then everyone would want to see Justice Dunn +6706,7,"An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'" +6707,1,What do you call a robot with odour problems? C3-BO +6708,0,What did the egg say when it got turned up? Om-lit +6709,1,What do you get when you put human DNA into a goat? An ISIS membership. +6710,1,What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's gonna EAT ME!! +6711,2,"Sleeping Pills A man walks into his doctor's office and says, ""Doctor, I need sleeping pills"". ""Why, what's going on?"", replies the doctor. ""I have these two songs constantly stuck in my head and I can't sleep! You've got to help me!"", implores the man. ""Well which two songs?"" asks the doctor. ""That song 'What's New Pussycat' and the theme song to the movie Thunderball"", the man tells the doctor. ""Ah. You've got Tom Jones Syndrome"", the doctor solemnly tells the man. ""Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"" the man asks. The doctor replies, ""It's not unusual""." +6712,0,How do you tell a ginger popstar his girlfriend left him? Ed Sheeran +6713,0,Mozart is a composer Who has since then decomposed +6714,0,Why didn't anyone notice early on when Thor's brother was trying to take over the world? Cause he was really low key about it. +6715,0,"I finally found a cab that I like better than Uber. Of course, I am in Napa Valley!" +6716,0,Alligators are onery because they got all them teeth And no toothbrush. Source:waterboy +6717,1,What time of day did Abraham Lincoln smoke Marijuana? A score past four +6718,2,What do you call a rude black hole? A masshole. +6719,0,What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a bandaid +6720,2,"I went to a concert to feel better today I thought it was The Cure, but it turned out to be just Placebo." +6721,0,What do you call a criminal who has taken a vow of silence? Felonious Monk. +6722,1,What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. +6723,2,"How do you pronounce ""Aunt""? ""Ont"", ""Ant"", or ""Goldnt""?" +6724,1,"What do you call a wizard that only makes clay, milk jugs? Dairy Potter" +6725,1,A wowan was found brutally beaten in her home with a bloody kaleidoscope left at the scene. Police are looking into it and have identified several different colours. +6726,4,"Whenever I'm in trouble I think ""what would Jesus do?"" Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days." +6727,2,"What goes ""ooooooooo""? A cow with no lips" +6728,0,What is the best method of bookkeeping? Never lend them. +6729,1,When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. +6730,1,Autopsy shows Michael Jackson died from food poisoning.... they found a 12 year old wiener stuck in his throat. +6731,0,"Chris Brown attended Rihanna’s wedding Whenever she came to the snack bar, he always gave her punch." +6732,1,What do you call a prom in the red light district? A Shady Hawkins Dance +6733,5,"A gay guy, a fat guy, and a gambler. [This joke isn’t as PC anymore, but it’s still funny!] A gay guy, a fat guy, and a gambler, are all traveling together in a car. Suddenly, the car crashes and all three of them die. They are at the gates of heaven, when St. Peter says to them, “I’m sorry, but there’s been some mistake. You three aren’t supposed to be here, you’re supposed to be in hell.” Begging and pleading, they ask for one more chance. St. Peter says, “Fine, I’ll give you each one more chance.” Looking at the gay guy, he says, “You need to stop lusting after men.” To the fat guy, he says, “You need to stop being a glutton.” And to the gambler, “You need to quit gambling.” “If any of you do these things again, even once, it’ll be straight to hell.” And POOF! They were back on earth. They were walking down a sidewalk when they began passing a really fine restaurant. The smells emanating from it were too much for the fat guy to handle. Not able to help it any longer, he runs towards the entrance, and as soon as his hand touches the door handle, POOF! He was gone. The other two continued walking down the sidewalk, when they came across a very shiny gold coin laying on the ground. The gambler bent over to pick it up, and POOF! The gay guy was gone. " +6734,4,Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips. Tostitos +6735,2,I like my woman like I like my Coffee. Without a Penis. +6736,1,"So you call someone you like at like 2 in the morning.... You hope they don't answer, you can even hang up after 1 ring. They text you the next morning 'what's up?' You text 'Oh, I didn't realize I called you, must have been a butt dial.' You text 'I guess you didn't answer huh?' You text 'You must have known.... it was a booty call.' ​ ​" +6737,1,"The principal confiscated my CD's and microSD full of songs from 1980's shoot-em-up video games, specifically the ones mentioning eagles. He said it was illegal contraband." +6738,0,I like my women like I like my champagne 10-years-old and smashed on the bow of my boat. +6739,7,"Where do horses go when they break a leg? The Horse-pital! Just kidding, they get shot." +6740,1,"The Green Paint Section Back in World War II, my grandfather was in the US Navy. He was assigned to a destroyer, and their mission was to hunt down German U-boats in the Atlantic. He was assigned to the Green Paint Section. So the destroyer would go patrolling along, pinging with it's sonar until it detected a U-boat. They would then drive over top of the U-boat, and call the Green Paint Section. My grandfather and the rest of his section would rush out with their green paint and pour it over the side of the ship. Then, when the U-boat commander would raise the periscope to see what kind of ship had driven over them, he would only get a film of green paint on his lens. Believing he was still underwater, he would order his crew to raise the U-boat some more. The destroyer would wait until the U-boat was about 400 feet in the air and then shoot them down with their anti-aircraft guns." +6741,4,Someone's just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. Luckily I only received super fish oil injuries. +6742,1,Turns out I'm addicted to refigerated poultry. I've gotta quit cold turkey. +6743,0,"After my prostate exam, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door she whispered the three words no man ever wants to hear... ""Who was that?""" +6744,0,You hear a lot of white sugar jokes. Not many brown sugar ones though. Demerara +6745,0,Why does an ethiopian baby cry? He's having a midlife crisis. +6746,0,"I've got a friend who designs rollercoasters for a living. I asked him he if he liked his job He shrugged and said, ""Well, it's got its ups and downs""" +6747,3,I used to be very indecisive But now I'm not so sure if I am anymore. +6748,1,Hitlers Disease A little known fact about Adolf Hitler he had severe asthma and lung issues his whole life. He even wrote in his journal about it briefly titled Mein Cough. +6749,1,Communist Lemonade A taste worth standing in line for. +6750,1,"A diner ordered the chicken parmesan at a restaurant Waiter: ""Actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir ."" Diner: ""No parm, no fowl.""" +6751,2,Almost every post that hits the frontt page Has a misspelled title. +6752,5,"A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash The gay guy says ""somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"" The trucker says ""what the fuck did you just say fucker? Get over here I'm gonna wreck your ass!"" The gay man then says ""it's okay everybody don't call he police! He wants to negotiate"" my step dad told me this one" +6753,1,What do Iron Man's suit and the small bus have in common? They both transport Downey jr. +6754,2,"My first time I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.”" +6755,5,I love the way the earth rotates It really makes my day. +6756,1,Where might a server store items retrieved from a table? A Universal Serial Bus-tub device +6757,0,"Abracadabra A blonde, brunette, and a red are frolicking on the beach when the blonde suddenly trips over a bottle in the shape of a phallus. Blonde: What is this? What do we do with it? Red head: We're supposed to rub it silly! So they huddle around the bottle and using both hands they all rubbed the bottle up and down ferociously. Poof! A Genie squirts out of the bottle. Genie: Thank you so much for that release. For that I shall grant you 3 wishes. You may each have 1 wish. The Genie turns to the blonde: Tell me your wish and I shall make it happen. Blonde thinks and tells the Genie: Well I've always wished I was smarter so my wish is to be smarter! Genie: OK, Abracadabra! And poof the blonde turns into a red head. The original red head gets mad and turns to the Genie while pointing to the new red head and tells the Genie: I wish I was smarter than her!! Genie: Alright, Abracadabra! And poof the spicy red head turns into a brunette. The original brunette is smart and sees everything that's going down. Genie: Now tell me. What is your wish? Brunette: I wish...I wish...I wish I was smarter than all 3 of us put together! Hah! Genie: As you wish. Abracadabra! And poof! The brunette turns into a man." +6758,1,Why does Ken feel so hot? He’s waiting in a Barbie queue. +6759,0,My dad is the best hide and seek player ever It’s been 18 years and I still haven’t found him yet! +6760,0,Her: I can't decide what to get you for Christmas. Me (Cleveland Browns fan) Just get me what every Browns fan wants.... .... a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet. +6761,0,"Guy: You are the Juliet to my Romeo! Girl: So let's just kill ourselves now! Guy: Can we skip that part? Girl: You said you'd never lie to me! How can we be Romeo and Juliet if we don't kill ourselves? Guy: But we have so much to live for, and- Girl: Then let's make our families hate each while I try and get a much older man to marry me! Guy: Okay, okay, uh, let's try something different. Girl: Fine, you pussy. You're Heathcliffe, I'm Isabella. Now go dig up the corpse of your first girlfriend. Guy: You're my first girlfriend! Girl: Fair point. You're the Alec to my Tess d'Urberville. Guy: WHAT, NO! Girl: Damn it, what famous couple could we pretend to be? Guy: But Alec and Tess- Girl: I got it! Quick, turn yourself into a werewolf! Guy: What. Please tell me you aren't going to find a vampire. Girl: Don't be silly, I'm not interested in threesomes. And besides, once I profess my love, you'll turn from the horrid beast to a handsome man! Guy: I think we should start seeing other people..." +6762,1,"Dirty Bastard Had a good, not great, conversation with my stepson about his future. I learned either why he wants to be a bio-chemist or that he's a dirty bastard. I asked what he wants to do in the future. He said ""I want to make a hormone."" " +6763,2,Why couldn’t the pasta maker get into his house? Because he had Gnocchi. +6764,1,Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run for president. Who loses? America. +6765,0,"If I ever going to open a stand up bar, I will call it: Jokes aCider" +6766,0,If youre wiping properly Then youre fingering yourself +6767,2,What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden? The avrage IQ of both countries go up. +6768,1,"Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible" +6769,2,Did you know that shoe makers are very talkative? They love to converse +6770,2,"When someone has sex with an animal... They're committing bestiality. But when an animal has sex with a human, isn't that just personality? " +6771,2,What kind of fuel do you put in a sexually ambiguous car? Genderfluid. +6772,2,"A dwarf walks into a store to pay for an item. He hands the cashier 4 dollars. The cashier says ""Sir, the item costs 5 dollars."" The dwarf replies ""Sorry, I'm a little short.""" +6773,5,"An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, ""I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,"". ""Great, which class would you like to take?"" said the Dean. ""Which classes do you offer?"" responded the man. ""We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic,"" said the Dean. ""What's logic?"" asked the man. ""Well, I can use information to assume something."" Said the Dean. ""How?"" asked the Man. ""Take this scenario, do you have a lawnmower?"" asked the Dean ""Yes,"" responded the man. ""So, I can assume that you have a backyard because you use a lawnmower to cut grass."" said the Dean. ""I do have a backyard!"" responded the man. ""And I can also assume that you have a house,"" said the Dean. ""I do have a House!"" exclaimed the man. ""And that leads me to believe you have a wife, to share the house with,"" said the Dean. ""Wow! I can't believe that."" said the Man. ""And finally, that leads me to believe you are Straight."" said the Dean. ""That's Incredible, sign me up!"" said the man. The next day, the man went to a bar with his friend. ""I'm learning about logic,"" said the man to his friend. ""What's logic?"" asked his friend. ""Well, take this scenario, do you have a lawnmower?"" asked the Man ""No,"" responded his friend. ""With that information, I know you are Gay!"" said the man." +6774,1,"If I say, ""I am beautiful""... An old teacher asked her student, ""If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"" The student replied, ""It is obviously past.""" +6775,2,"I'm going to host a charity concert for those who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can't come, let me know." +6776,2,Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays? My credit card. +6777,10,"A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio." +6778,3,"An anti-semite walks into a bar An anti-semite walks into a bar. He sees a Jew sitting at the table next to him, and he doesn't like it. ""Bartender!"" he says, nodding at the Jew, ""A round of good stuff for everyone except the Jew!"" Everyone gives a cheer and receives a glass of premium scotch each. The anti-semite looks back at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite scowls and says, ""Bartender! A round of your finest drink for everyone! Plus an appetizer!"" He nods back at the Jew and adds, ""For everyone but the Jew."" The Jew is smiling even more. Furious, the anti-semite asks, ""Is this Jew stupid or is he just pretending to be?"" ""Oh no, sir, he's the owner.""" +6779,5,"Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. The second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. The third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. The first guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore. The second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" The second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up.""" +6780,2,Did you read that book on gay marriage by the two Irishmen? Their names are Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. +6781,1,Why is Coolio always able to play craps? He's got a gangsta's pair a dice. +6782,1,"Bill had a girlfriend named Wendy. Bill discovered he was head over heels, madly in love with Wendy. He was so in love with Wendy that he went out and got ‘Wendy’ tattooed on his penis. When he was flaccid it read ‘Wy’ and when he was aroused it read ‘Wendy’. Bill and Wendy got married and went on honeymoon to Jamaica. They were relaxing on a nude beach when Wendy asked bill to get her a drink from the bar. Bill went up to the bar and ordered Wendy her drink. As he was waiting, he noticed the local gentleman next to him at the bar also had ‘Wy’ tattooed on his penis. “Is your wife’s name Wendy?” He asked. “No man,” said the local. “Mine says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, man. We hope you enjoy your stay’.”" +6783,2,Did you hear the one about the 2 gay ghosts? They kept giving each other the willies! +6784,2,[no spoiler] Why is the BB unit droid not hungry? Because BB-8 +6785,0,"Just keep moving A fleeing US sniper walks through a desert to reach the extraction point and risks a shortcut through the minefield. His friend steps on a mine and blows off his legs and is okay after some shots of morphine and dies. The sniper continues after crying and steps on a mine. Before stepping off of it he hallucinates a man and his daughter walking up to him in a zig zag pattern. The man says ""you must take step"" and sings the song KEEP MOVING ON. The sniper then takes a step and laughs and goes home. " +6786,3,Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man It feels good but then you look down and realise you are gay +6787,0,Be serious with unknown girls. Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *walks away* +6788,1,I like my coffee the way I like my slaves Free +6789,2,"What is long, hard, and plump, with cum in it? A cucumber. What kind of dirty mind do you have?" +6790,9,How do You Drown a Hipster? Throw him into the mainstream. +6791,0,"How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fifty. One to screw it in, forty-nine to blog about it." +6792,1,"Mom, did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up. " +6793,5,Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee? Because they only work in theory +6794,2,How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem. +6795,0,A Pornstar went to a Halloween party with no costume He won best dressed for his portrayal of a tripod stand +6796,6,"Vaseline Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. ""Well, it's quite simple really,"" says the seller, ""whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."" (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ""I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."" ""When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."" ""No problem,"" he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. ""She's got a great body,"" he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted, ""I'll do the fuckin dishes!!""" +6797,2,What's the difference between Oscar the grouch and a grouch at the Oscars? Ones green and the other is black +6798,4,"The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word ""penis"" chalked in small letters on the board.... She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - ""penis"", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word ""penis"" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: ""See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!""" +6799,10,"Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip." +6800,1,"An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irishman are at a playground. They are walking up to a slide when a genie stops them. ""Shout your favourite drink as you go down this slide and you will land in it"" So they start taking turns on the slide. As the Scotsman goes down the slide, they shouts 'BEER!' They lands in a pot of beer. As the Englishman goes down the slide, they shouts 'A warm cup of tea, please!' They burn themselves. As the Irishman goes down the slide, in joy he shouts 'WEEEEE!'" +6801,0,I like my coffee like I like my women. Without pubic hair. +6802,3,"The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame. ""Bidwell!"" she shouted to a servant, ""stop that this instant!"" ""Of course, your majesty,"" he replied. ""Which way did it go?""" +6803,1,What’s a Russians favorite book store? Barnes & Chernobyl +6804,1,Have you ever licked a knife? They taste like blood. +6805,3,"The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning. I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends." +6806,1,"I lost 200 lbs over the Summer. ""Wow! What's your secret?"" Divorce." +6807,4,What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits till puberty to come all over a kid's face. +6808,0,In my town alot of people are mean... It's pretty average for them. +6809,2,"The jealous husband! After the husband heard that his wife was cheating on him, he went home furiously and saw his wife cheating with his friend. He shoots his friend right there and he dies. The wife, after saw what happened, said to her husband: “Honey, if you keep doing that, you will lose all of your friends” " +6810,0,"It's not black history month, It's dark history month." +6811,0,What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg. +6812,0,"Knock Knock? Me: ""Knock knock!"" You: ""Who's there?"" Me: ""Botswana"" You: "" Botswana who?"" Me: ""Botswana be touched""" +6813,0,When is 1 + 1 3 ? When you don’t use a condom. +6814,0,I'm so excited for the season finale of America! (not my own) (Saved you a click) +6815,0,"A man asks a farmer near a field....... A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”" +6816,0,Why do ducks have feathers? It covers their butt-quacks. +6817,6,Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants. +6818,1,Sheepdogs aren't used to herd sheep in Germany They use German Shepherds instead +6819,4,"Marine A Marine goes to a hooker, things start heating up and she notices he isn't hard. She asks if he needs help getting it up. Too which he replies, no ma'am I've got complete control over my body. He then yell ""Private Ten Hut"" and his dick gets hard.. impressed the prostitute asks if he can get it to go limp again, the marine replies of course, and yells ""Private at ease."" immediately his dick goes limp. The prostitute says can I see that again. Again the Marine calls his dick to attention, then the prostitute starts playing with his balls. She tells him to make it go limp again. The Marine yells ""Private at ease,"" nothing happens, again he yells ""Private at ease,"" and again nothing happens. He yells one last time ""God dammit, Private i said at ease!"" Nothing happens the Marine then proceeds to walk to the corner, and masturbate. He finishes and the prostitute asks him what that was all about he replies. ""Dishonorable Discharge Ma'am""" +6820,2,"A blonde goes to her gynecologist... ""What seems to be the problem?"" he asked her. ""Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, ""Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas.""" +6821,4,Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe? A canoe tips +6822,2,"Drums. Never. Stop (This one is for my fellow musicians) So a man is on his private jet when suddenly they begin to go down. The pilots begin to look for a place to land and see an island off to their right. So they bank right and crash into the island. The pilots die, but the man is left with only minor scrapes and bruises. As he wanders in a daze, he can’t comprehend much except for the fact he hears drums continuously playing. He stumbles off until he notices a mud hut with its owner outside. He goes up to him. Man: I’m sorry to bother you but why are their drums playing? Owner: They always play. Never stop. Man: Well why don’t they ever stop? Owner: If drums stop, bad things happen. Very bad things. If you want to know story, go to Keeper of Wisdom. He tell all. The man decides he’s going to search for the Keeper of Wisdom and ask him what happens, and as he’s walking he notices a woman carrying a basket walking on the side of the trail. Man: Surely you know why there are drums playing. The woman’s eyes widen Woman: Yes. Drums. Never stop. Bad things happen when drums stop. Man: Yes I know bad things happen, but what are the bad things that happen? Woman: If must know. Go up hill to North. Keeper of Wisdom is there. He tell you. Man: O...kay... thanks. The man is baffled yet decides to go on a trek to the top of the mountain to the north, finding his direction purely by how the sun was setting and how the North Star was placed in the sky. He climbs up all night, with only his bare hands and only eating snacks he salvaged from the plane and water from a running stream. All of this is going on, and in the background the drums are playing. They never stop. Once day breaks, he sees he’s close to the top of the mountain. He uses his last night of energy and gets to the top of the hill, where he sees a very old and fragile man meditating on a stone. He knows right away this is the Keeper of Wisdom. Man: Umm... e-excuse me, sir? The Keeper of Wisdom looks up from his meditation and gives out a deep yet soothing, “yes?” Man: I’ve just come from an overnight journey to see you, I must ask you a question. Keeper: Oh? Well then. You may ask question. Man: I crashed here yesterday and ever since I’ve gotten here there’s been drums that never stop. Why don’t they ever stop? Keeper: Bad things happen. Very bad things. Man: Like what, sir? The keeper has a scared look on his face as he looks deeply at the man. He then replies: “Bassoon solo.”" +6823,3,"A man was in a terrible accident... and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' " +6824,0,"I can never win arguments with my wife. I told her the last entry in the dictionary was zymotic, she said it was zyzzyva. She always has to get the final word." +6825,1,"Rabbit and Snake - Joke One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were. ""OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are."" said the snake. ""That's a good idea."" said the rabbit. ""You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet."" said the snake. ""Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, ""You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."" ""Oh NO, I'm a lawyer! " +6826,1,"A kid comes to his dad And says ""Dad, remember last week when I killed that butterfly and you said no butter for a week?"" Dad says ""yeah."" The kid said ""and remember when I killed that honeybee and you said no honey for a week?"" Dad said ""yeah, so."" The kid said ""mom just killed a cockroach. Should I break it to her?""" +6827,0,I hate bad masseuses They really rub me the wrong way +6828,4,How did Jesus stay in shape? CrossFit +6829,0,"A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are looking at tracks in the snow.... The blonde bends over looks at them and says “these are obviously deer tracks”. The redhead looks at her, at the tracks, and then back at her. “You’re an idiot! These are obviously rabbit tracks!” The brunette, standing there perplexed, leans over to look at them and stands back up as a train races by." +6830,0,New diet: drink half liter water when chocolate craving hits Local man drowns +6831,0,"Ronly Bonly Smith get your ass over here. Yes drill Sargent, what can I do for you? The captain here tells me that there is a problem with your name!!!! Oh yes there certainly is sir. Well...what is it? OK here it is, when I enlisted the corporal asked me what my name was and I told him my name was R B Smith. Can you write it on the card for me he asked? Sure...R..only B..only Smith" +6832,3,"I don't know what to do. ""I don't know what to do."" a prospect says to a patch holder one night at the club bar. ""Whenever I go out with the bros, I turn off my headlight, cut off the motor, and coast into the driveway. I take off my clothes in the bathroom, and then ease into bed, but my old lady wakes up and starts bitching at me for staying out late."" ""Well, prospect, you're taking the wrong approach."" the patch holder schooled the youngster. ""I make a lot of noise with my Harley, I slam the garage door shut, I stomp up the stairs, I burp and fart as I enter the bedroom, jump into bed, grab my old lady's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob, babe?' and she is always sound asleep.""" +6833,2,I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer. +6834,1,"Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, ""I don't have it."" ""Why not?"" His father asked. ""My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.""" +6835,0,What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm +6836,4,"My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her. Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet." +6837,0,I saw your father! He dropped by to give me a sibling so I won't be lonely when he leaves too +6838,1,My ex begged me frequently to drag my balls across her face(nfsw) Turns out she's sackreligous. +6839,1,How do you know if you’re reading a black or a white Fairy Tale? White: One upon a time... Black: Y’all Motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this... +6840,2,Skyrim is a lot like sex The first time is amazing The second time is nearly as good But by the hundredth time you've tried everything and the only way you can have fun anymore is to modify the hell out of it and get really really into roleplaying +6841,0,I don't know why Anthony Bourdain's girlfriend was cheating on him I heard that dude was hung really well. +6842,3,"Have you guys heard the one about the girl who went 1,3,5,7,9? She couldn't even." +6843,5,"10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory." +6844,0,"French rifle Im gonna sell French rifle from the II world war, hardly not used, once thrown xD" +6845,1,Donald Trump Is proof that Willie Wonka had sex with the Oompa Loompas. +6846,4,"A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. ""Thank you"" said the assistant ""come again"" ""No"" said the blonde ""it's toothpaste this time""" +6847,1,I was headed to the store.. one day and I asked my wife if she needed anything. She said to pick up something for pancakes so I brought her a pushup bra. +6848,1,"Tony and Oliver had quite the sibling rivalry. Tony was always the favourite among his family. Being the older brother, he naturally got everything first. One day, Tony biked to Oliver with his new, red, shiny bike and said “look how cool my bike is.” Oliver looked and said “Yeah, it’s a pretty cool bike. But I bet you can’t go down death mountain with it.” Tony, wanting to prove his brother wrong, biked up to the top of death mountain and went down the almost vertical drop, breaking many bones in the process. And at the bottom of the hill, was a priest. The priest said “you should spend the night, as you have many cuts and bruises.” Tony, not wanting to show his brother his failure, agreed. He went inside the house and fell onto the bed, but only slept four hours, as there was a constant screaming he heard. In the morning, he asked the priest: “What was all that screaming last night?” Said Tony. The priest replied, “I can’t tell you, because you’re not a priest.” Tony grows up and gets his first car. He drives it over to Oliver and says, “Hey man, check out my new car. Pretty sweet, right?” Oliver looks at it and says “Yeah, it’s pretty nice. But I bet you can’t go down death mountain with it.” Again, wanting to prove his brother wrong, he pulls up to the edge of the mountain and floors the pedal. He completely totals the car, and barely makes it out before it catches on fire, dislocating his shoulder in the process. And at the bottom of the hill, is a priest. The priest tells him, “You should spend the night, as you have many cuts and bruises.” Tony falls onto the bed again, but only sleeps for two hours, as the screaming is so loud and unbearable. He gets up in the morning, and asks the priest: “what was all that screaming last night?” The priest says “I can’t tell you, because you’re not a priest.” Tony grows a little older and goes to college, gets the girl, and gets a nice job, which gave him a very nice company car. He parks in front of Oliver and says “Hey man, check out my ride.” And Oliver says “Yeah, it’s nice, but can it go down death mountain?” Again, tony drives to the top, goes barrelling down, and completely smashes his car, leather seats ripped and tires in shreds. He gets out looking really bad. And at the bottom of the hill, is a priest. The priest says to him “You should spend the night, as you have many cuts and bruises.” He does spend the night, but only sleeps for an hour, because of how loud the unbearable screaming is, as if nothing existed in the next room over but pain. In the morning, he asks the priest: “What was all that screaming?” The priest replied “I can’t tell you, because you’re not a priest.” Tony grows even older and has a few kids, so he buys a mini van. He drives to Oliver and says “Hey man, check this out. Isn’t it cool?” Oliver says “Yeah, it’s cool. But can you go down death mountain with it?” Tony drives to the edge, takes one look at the ground below, and takes the car down the massive mountain, smashing it to pieces. And at the bottom of the hill, is a priest. The priest says “you should stay the night, as you have many cuts and bruises.” He does stay, but only sleeps for half an hour, as the screaming is so unbearably horrible he gets almost no sleep. A constant high pitched cry of agony consumes the air around him. In the morning, he asks: “What was all that screaming?” The priest says “ I cannot tell you, because you’re not a priest.” Tony’s wife eventually leaves him, stating in the divorce he took too many dives off of death mountain. She takes the kids and the car, along with most of the money. Tony could only buy himself a tiny electric scooter. He takes it to Oliver and says “Check out my cool scooter.” Oliver says “Yeah, It’s cool. But I betcha can’t go down death mountain with it. Tony doesn’t even stop at the top of the mountain, as he just jumped immediately off of it as soon as he arrived to the summit, Breaking many bones. And at the bottom of the hill is a priest. The priest says “You should spend the night, as you have many cuts and bruises.” Tony tries with all his might to go to sleep, but can only accomplish a measly one minute of sleep, Because the screaming is so loud it feels as if it’s coming from within him. In the morning he asks the priest: “What was all that screaming?” The priest tells him “I cannot tell you, because you’re not a priest. Tony decided he’d had enough, and needed to know what was happening inside the priest’s house. So he goes and studies hard, night and day, to become a priest. Working long hours at the church made days go on forever but he eventually was accepted into the church of Christianity as a fully fledged priest. He returns years later with an old car and drives off death mountain, totalling the car, and suffering many major injuries. And at the bottom of the hill is a priest. The priest says “You should spend the night, as you have many cuts and bruises.” He spends the night but never sleeps, because the screaming is so horrid that he thinks he’ll never sleep again. But in the morning, he asks the priest: “What was all that screaming?” The priest says “I can’t tell you, because you’re not a priest.” “But I am a priest, I even have my documents with me.” Says Tony, as he shows him the papers. “Hmm... I see.” Says the priest. And so he told him what the screaming was. But I can’t tell you, Because you’re not a priest. " +6849,1,What is Jeremy Wade's favorite dog breed? BICHON! BICHON! +6850,0,"What’s the difference between an Irishman and a Scotsman? The former likes to drink, then fight. The latter likes to fight, then drink." +6851,0,If you dont want salmonella... Don't eat salmon. +6852,0,How do you win a late night argument with your deaf wife? You turn off the lights. +6853,1,"Did you know Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities was originally released as a storyboard in two local newspapers? It was the Bicester Times, and it was the Worcester Times." +6854,1,What's a Norwegian's favourite car? A Fjord Fjesta +6855,3,Did you hear about the man who was afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them +6856,1,Sobriety test Cop: You been drinking? Me: No. Cop: Say the alphabet backwards. Me: Alphabet the. Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter. Me: Each letter. +6857,3,If I had a dollar for every gender... I’d have two dollars and a hundred counterfeits. +6858,4,I'm like a ninja at the gym Cause you'll never see me there +6859,1,"My best friend: “There’s a really hot girl coming over, you gotta join us.” So I go over there, and we go hard for like 40 minutes. Then I was like: “Yo timeout... When does that girl get in here bro?” " +6860,2,If you listen in on a butt dial... Is it called tapping that ass? +6861,0,A Czech goes to optician for eye test and is given card with random letters in different font sizes to read He informs optician that he knows two of them. +6862,6,When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When he leaves you and never comes back. +6863,4,"Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that ""I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."" ""Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."" " +6864,2,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None. +6865,1,How much is it for a handy in Germany? Depends on the model +6866,2,"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office... A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing absolutely nothing but a pair of shorts made out of saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're (your) nuts!'" +6867,0,"Ever wonder why a woman’s mensuration cycle is even called a period? Because when a man brings up sex, then it ends the conversation. " +6868,3,"A man walks into a bar and orders a drink He notices that pieces of meat were nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender about it. Bartender says ""if you can jump and grab one, I'll get you a free beer. If you can't then you'll have to pay 100$. Wanna try?"" The man thinks for a moment then says ""nah! The steaks are too high""" +6869,1,What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates +6870,0,"What's the difference between a rabbit and a flea? Rabbits can have fleas, but fleas can't have rabbits!!!" +6871,5,Mini-Skirt Speech My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! +6872,5,"What did Barack Obama said to Michelle when he proposed? ""I don't want to be Obama-self""" +6873,2,2019 has Mono Its symptoms are likely caused by the Epstein-Barr virus +6874,1,The immigration march can be summed up like this ... Manny will come but Juan may enter. +6875,8,What does 80 year old vagina taste like? Depends +6876,1,How do you kill vegan vampires? With a steak to the heart. +6877,2,What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 lawyers into a room together? 100 people who don't do dick +6878,2,What kind of fun does a priest have? None. +6879,0,"My friend thought Piracy was Captains with eyepatches, Boats robbing other boats for treasure, stuff like that... I said No, it’s a Pirate see?" +6880,2,Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. +6881,2,What do you call someone who steals a Tesla? Felon Musk. +6882,3,"So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM... There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, ""You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."" So I pushed her over." +6883,5,Today is my 5th cake day And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids ever will be. +6884,0,"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine.""" +6885,2,My Arabic sex doll blows itself up +6886,1,Why is the Energizer Bunny such a slut? He takes 2 Ds at the same time +6887,3,Found out I was color blind yesterday. It came out of the purple. +6888,1,"Matthew McConaughey’s first initiative as owner of Austin Football Club will be to cut the Left Backs and Left Wingers. Their going to be “alright alright alright” Got banned from r/soccer for this, they take their no jokes rule seriously. I’d been sitting on it other than that for a while." +6889,3,"I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!" +6890,0,"Don't determine your worth by if you completed the task you set out to do, it's all about the journey. I mean there are still Jews but I wouldn't say Hitler failed." +6891,1,I don't like Swiss cheese. It's the way it's always holier than thou. +6892,3,What does a walrus and a Tupperware container have in common ? They both like a tight seal. +6893,0,Lame joke 101 How did Poseidon get his name? By possessing a trident! +6894,0,What's the world's angriest country? Ireland +6895,0,Here I was thinking that 2016 was over And now it came back for Moore +6896,3,"A man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar and see Adolf Hitler. Confuse, the man walks up to him and ask, ""Aren't you supposed to be dead?"" To which Hitler replies, ""I was but God has given me a second chance and this time I'll accomplish my goal of killing all the Jews and a politician."" Surprise the man exclaims, ""Wait why a politician?"" Hitler answers, ""See, even today nobody cares about the Jews.""" +6897,3,"A lesbian couple gets married and decides to only get 1 diamond ring between them Two birds, one stone" +6898,0,AMD Ati +6899,2,"So after what Steve does at the end of Endgame... Does that officially make Sam ""Captain Falcon"" now?" +6900,1,"A man goes to a wedding bar and orders a Fruit Punch ��I’m driving tonight” says the man The bartender looks at him and informs him that in order to obtain it he would have to wait in line. The man clearly confused leaves with a confused look. He quickly glances the bar and sees a line. The man is now jostled back and forth in the line until five minutes later he realizes that he’s currently in a conga line. Confused the man looks about a bit more carefully. “Where could a line possibly be”? Wonders the man aloud The man finally detects a line of impatient people standing by a wall. He walk towards it and stands at the back. In the middle of the line he sees that everyone is waiting in front of a door. He looks at his phone while waiting. Finally at the end of the line the man goes through the door only to realize that the line was for the bathroom. A bit disheartened the man weighs just driving home a little thirsty. The man opts to look once more for a line until he sees that the line isn’t at the bar at all, it’s by the buffet table. He comes out of the bar and line up. But a few moments later he realizes the line was to get in the bar in the first place. Finally the man decided to go to the bartender and ask him. He calls the bartender and after she is done making a drink goes to the man. The man a fair bit thirsty finally asks “Where is the punch line”?" +6901,5,My new record in a 100 m sprint Is 52 meters. +6902,2,I'll never forget my dad's passing. He was the greatest footballer I knew. +6903,1,What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat can have a pussy but a comma cunt. +6904,3,Why didn't Han Solo want to have sex with Princess Leia? Her vagina was Luke warm... +6905,1,To get to the other side. Why did the tachyon cross the road? +6906,0,"How many people can fit in a car? 6,000,004. Two in the front, two in the back and six million in the ash tray" +6907,0,Pros of going to school in America - Chance to fuck your English teacher. Cons of going to school in America - Probably going to get shot +6908,3,"Three guys stumble upon a magic lamp. They rub it. A genie comes out and grants them each three wishes. For their first wish, Guy 1 wishes for a hot wife. Guy 2, looking to one-up Guy 1, wishes to be irresistible to all women. Guy 3 wishes for his left arm to constantly rotate clockwise. For their second wish, Guy 1 wishes for a billion dollars. Guy 2 wishes for infinite money, and Guy 3 wishes for his right arm to constantly rotate counter-clockwise. For the third wish, Guy 1 wishes to never get ill again. Guy 2 wishes to be immortal, and Guy 3 wishes for his head to constantly bob forwards and backwards, much like a pigeon would while walking. Having all three of their wishes granted, the three guys bid farewell to the genie and parted ways. Guy 1 and Guy 2 left confused, wondering what could possibly have inspired Guy 3 to make such ridiculous wishes. The three guys didn’t speak for a while, as they were busy living their new lives the genie had granted them. 10 years pass and they meet up again to talk about how their lives have been since finding the lamp. Guy 1 says “My life has been amazing! My wife is beautiful, I have a giant house and I’ve never felt better!” Guy 2 says “I’ve been great too! I have 50 wives, a mansion, and I’ll live forever!” Guy 3 says “I think I really fucked up, guys.”" +6909,2,Buried Knife Found at O.J.'s Estate Proof that black knives matter? +6910,9,"50 dollars is 50 dollars Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. ""Its only 50 dollars"" he would say. Every year Lucille would say ""50 dollars is fifty dollars"" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says ""I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two."" James says ""well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars.""" +6911,0,Best joke ever from my 4 year old nephew. Why did the cow go to the bathroom? Because he had to go poopy. +6912,2,Did you know If you go into the bathroom at 3 am and scream bloody mary 3 times Your mom will tell you to shut the f*ck up and go back to sleep +6913,4,Why are monsters hipsters? Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool. +6914,0,"Donald Trump just changed his name to ""Donad"" Seems to me like Hillary took the L" +6915,2,What is the Clinton's least favorite movie? The Witness +6916,2,What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident? A rektangle +6917,0,Where is the largest store of shit for fertilizer in the United States? Washington DC +6918,2,"Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill." +6919,4,"Life is a lot like a Penis. Life is a lot like a Penis.. Simple,soft,straight,relaxed and hanging freely..then a woman makes it hard...!!!" +6920,0,I hate punctuation I hate punctuation period it apostrophe s is so irrelevant comma like why would we need it question mark all it does is cause confusion and grammar nazis anyway period don apostrophe t get me started on capital letters period +6921,1,You know how birds fly in V-formation and one side always looks longer? You know why that is? More birds on that side. +6922,0,How do you have sex with a camel? One hump at a time! +6923,3,"One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: ""I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"" The driver agrees: ""You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."" ""That's a great idea!"" says Einstein. ""Let's switch places then!"" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :  ""Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.""" +6924,3,May I sleep with your sister? is such an awkward question to ask. I have no idea how my dad is going to respond. +6925,2,"[NSFW] Q: What do anal sex and brussel sprouts have in common? A: If your mother kept forcing you to have it when you were a child, you're probably not going to like it as an adult." +6926,5,"So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die? It was trapped in the middle of 9-11" +6927,0,I hate spicy foods. Their flavor is just jalapeno face. +6928,1,What is the Zombie equivalent of a Leprechaun's Pot o' Gold? Crypt o' Currency. +6929,2,"My wife just stopped and said ""you weren't listening, were you?"" I thought...""what a weird way to start a conversation""." +6930,0,"The deep sea fishing administration has now implemented a program to conserve more fish... It is called ""Throwback Thursday.""" +6931,2,"Politician and diapers have something in common They both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason." +6932,0,"Give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day Teach a man to fire and he'll eat for the rest of his life." +6933,2,Why can't Donald Trump get elected? Because no Juan will vote for him. +6934,1,What's the BEST thing about Switzerland? I don't know but its flag is a big plus +6935,0,"Next week, who's that pokemon? Its jay fuckin garrick." +6936,0,"I ran over my wife yesterday I was devastated, but she was crushed" +6937,0,What is Batman’s favourite sport? Baseball. Lots of batting. +6938,3,What do you call a grizzly bear without teeth? A gummy bear! +6939,0,So I watched 'The Dictator' yesterday... I rate it aladeen out of aladeen +6940,0,What key does the control freak New Yorker hit when he wants to go back? He's tappin' Zee +6941,2,Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance +6942,1,"Ned Stark's death was foretold in his daughter's name Because when he died, she was sans a Stark" +6943,0,"Why is a pool table green? If someone racked your balls, you'd be green too." +6944,0,When does a joke become a fruit joke? When the punchline is a-Pear-ent +6945,0,I ran a survey for Muslims And 9 out of 11 said they would fly a plane into a tower. Bunch of adrenaline junkies! +6946,0,"What kind of women does Santa clause like? Hoe, hoe, hoes. " +6947,4,How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger? One if nobody's looking. +6948,2,Just got the iPhone 7. It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months +6949,1,What is the Israeli film industry called? Is-reel. +6950,1,"What makes a good tongue-twister? I don't know, its really hard to say." +6951,1,"Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account. Please don't mix it up like last year." +6952,0,What's the best part of having sex with 33 year olds? There are 33 of them. +6953,3,How does Moses make tea? Hewbrews it. +6954,1,What do you get when you cross a pokemon with a hedgehog Regrets +6955,0,why do terrorists dislike coffee? because they hate french press +6956,1,"Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them... For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then." +6957,4,"Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's probably shit." +6958,0,Sometimes there'll be a lull in a conversation... It's usually because I'm trying to sing them to sleep +6959,1,"A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Baptist Preacher are out for a round of golf... The Rabbi shanks one into the water hazard and they walk down to retrieve it. As they’re looking for the last ball together, they spot something reflecting the sun from under the water. One of them picks up what appears to be a glass jar, FILLED with gold coins! Soon they have realized that they are holding 10’s of thousands of dollars worth of gold coins. As they sat on the ground, the Baptist preacher said, “Men, God has been good to us, but we need to make sure we share this wealth with the less fortunate. I propose that we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we say it’s God’s and we give it to charity."" The Catholic priest replies ""Yes brother, but I have different suggestion, how about we draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands *outside*of the circle, that's what we'll say is God’s and give *that* to charity."" The Rabbi responds, ""I have a better idea- we throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"" " +6960,0,Knock Knock. Who's there? Archie. Archie who? God bless you. +6961,4,Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions? Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised. Therapist: Exactly. +6962,2,"What's Hillary Clinton's e-mail password? I don't know, but the Russians do." +6963,1,"A hairy fruit. ""AN"" especially juicy stone fruit. ""THE"" fuzzy fruit... = articles of imPEACHment." +6964,0,How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With Jammin'. +6965,2,I was a excited to donate blood today and save some lives. The nurse told me it’s great to see people B positive +6966,1,I asked my North Korean friend how it was there he said he couldn't complain. +6967,5,I am officially a pussy magnet Magnets repel too +6968,2,"A drunk man stumbles out of the bar He walks up the alley and stops to take a piss. When he finishes, he notices a small lamp on the ground. He picks it up and begins to rub it, and a genie comes out. He makes his wishes and passes out. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a beautiful mansion, surrounded by beautiful women. ""What the hell happened last night?"" He thinks to his self. There is a knock on the door. When he opens the door there is a tall man dressed as a Klan member. The Klan member sweeps him off his feet and drags him into the yard of the mansion and hangs him. The Klan member removes his mask and it's the genie. The genie says to the struggling man, ""I can understand the house and the women, but why would you want to be hung like a nigger?""" +6969,0,watch me whip. watch me nay nay - a race horse that's turned the tables on his jockey +6970,1,What's a spirits favourite dairy product? Ghosts cheese +6971,2,"On an undisclosed Singapore Airline flight.. Passenger: Hello Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him…. Flight Attendant: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir.. Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la…even the Captain is always looking for him…Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off….Kevin Khoo please return to your station…Kevin Khoo please disarm all doors…..Kevin Khoo please be seated for landing…..aiyo! he’s so busy la….why you all never help him one?? Flight Attendant: Sir, I assure you there is no one named Kevin Khoo on this flight. Passenger: OK Ok, sorry Few moments later... Captain: Cabin crew please be seated for take off" +6972,2,Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests? I'm asking for a friend. +6973,1,"The other day I saw a woman with twelve tits. It seemed a bit odd, dozen tit?" +6974,0,Did you hear about the president and Vice President who worked together so poorly for 8 straight years that they haven’t talked to each other since? They left on bad terms. +6975,1,What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? Fill me in when you get back. +6976,0,Can you believe that some parts of triangles support Trump? I hate right angles +6977,2,"A rich man wants to meet the Dalai Lama The Dalai Lama is in New York City walking with his entourage down Fifth Avenue. A rich man comes out to meet him. He's trying to push his way through the throngs of adoring people but the Dalai Lama's procession is moving too quickly. The rich man is running next to the crowd trying to catch up with the Dalai Lama when suddenly he notices how the Dalai Lama stops, bends over, and speaks into the ear of a homeless man. The rich man is deeply moved at how the holy man makes a point of speaking to the poor and downtrodden. Then he gets an idea! The rich man offers the homeless man $100 for his clothes. The rich man then dresses up like the homeless man and runs a block ahead of the Dalai Lama's procession. Now dressed like a homeless person, the rich man sits on the ground and waits. Sure enough as the Dalai Lama walks by he stops, bends over, and speaks into the rich man's ear: ""Hey, I thought I already told you to get the f*ck out of here.""" +6978,2,"A Polish person went to have their eyes tested. The eye test chart read: N Y X C S F R U Z. The optom asked, ‘can you read any of those letters?’ ‘read it?’ the polish person answered, ‘i know him!’" +6979,2,When is 1 + 1 equal to 3? When you don’t use a condom. +6980,4,"A plane takes off on the pilot announces on the loudspeaker.... ""this is your captain John Smith, our destination is Bogotá, our flight time is estimated at five hours, blah blah blah..."" he forgets to hang up the loudspeaker and proceeds to tell his copilot ""here take the controls while I go take a shit and then I'm going to fuck the new fine flight attendant."" Everyone on the plane is surprised and the flight attendant is desperately running towards the cabin to tell them to turn off the loudspeaker, when she slips and falling next to and old woman who tells her ""dearie, don't be such a whore, he said he was going to take a shit first"" Pardon me, English is not my native language." +6981,5,I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked… I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived. +6982,2,I got fired from my job at the bank today A lady came to me and asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her +6983,1,"What’s that musical called where Jared Fogle got really high? Oh, that’s right - Diddler on the Roof." +6984,2,"What did the horny toad say when designing a sex toy? Ribbit *Credit goes to Brian, random guy sitting next to me on couch. " +6985,2,"In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, ""Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. ""Whoa there,"" said the doctor. ""Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ""No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, ""Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?""" +6986,0,Samsung Is a Girl's name Because it blows +6987,2,What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face. +6988,1,"One day in the future, Canada will take over the world. And then we will all be sorry." +6989,4,Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny Judge: What? Attorney: He's in a cent. +6990,3,I can't bring myself to steal someone else's drink. It's just not my cup of tea. +6991,0,"What do Snapchat and Alzheimer’s patients have in common? Nothing (First Original joke, go easy on me) " +6992,1,What do you call a dog thats made of hands? A Palmeranian! +6993,2,"Blind Cowboy An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: ​ The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. ​ ‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…………’ " +6994,1,"Dan comes home very drunk late at night and wakes his sleeping wife: “Jenny wake up! You’ll never believe what just happened!?” “What happened?”, Jenny said sleepily. Dan replies, “I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I finished, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” Jenny groans: “Oh no, Dan! You idiot, you just peed in the refrigerator again!!!”" +6995,1,"What a great gift - a Tazer A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is lsuch a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! " +6996,6,"If a Muslim beats his wife, would it be domestic violence or child abuse?" +6997,1,Why do Native Americans hate snow? It's white and on their land. +6998,3,What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles. +6999,0,"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet As a Thalassophobic, I'm afraid of the C." +7000,0,"-The Meaning Of SucCess- When I was a young boy I was having my future told at a carnival, the mystic said that after years of searching I would find the meaning the success in a deep and dark cave on the endless plains. So decades later I decided to search for the meaning of success, I spent years looking for this cave on the endless plains and I eventually found it hidden under a long dead and dried out tree half buried under the sand. After finding this cave I spent days checking every crack and crevice, until one day I found a small wooden door In the furthest depth of the cave. so I crawled through this little wooden door and as I stood up I found my self in a white room face to face with an old hermit and he opened a gummy toothless mouth and said ""Hi, my names Cess"". " +7001,6,Why don't white supremacists take calculus in high school? They don't want to see integration in their schools +7002,2,"My penis is so big, it goes from A to Z! As long as we're talking about my keyboard." +7003,1,Bye mom! What did the Indian boy say to his mother before leaving his house? Mumbai. +7004,0,I've been working on this joke about karate. Still trying to figure out the kickline. +7005,1,My girlfriend keeps insisting I should do her taxes... I already told her I'm not intuit. +7006,0,I think I should become a window cleaner That's really a job I could see myself in +7007,2,How can you spot the blind guy at the nude beach? It's not that hard. +7008,0,"A proctologist walks into a bar... ...and says, ""Is this stool taken?""" +7009,4,Every time someone comments on my wrinkly clothes I just tell them that I have an iron deficiency. Yep. I do that. +7010,1,What happened to the sock that broke down? It got toed +7011,0,"Trump asked Siri where can I go to be appreciated? Guadalajara, my sexy, smart king. But leave your entourage here." +7012,0,"Mom, In school they say I'm very distracted... Damn it Jimmy, I'm not your mom. You live across the street." +7013,0,"Yoda is elected to be director of the DEA. He is giving a press report. “Thankful, I am,” he stated. “All, I appreciate.” Yoda then spots a hot young Jedi in the crowd. He tries his luck at popping the question. “Marriage, you wanna?”" +7014,0,Where does Napoleon keep his Armies? In his sleeves! +7015,1,"Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing. *No ice.*" +7016,1,What is a yankee? It's a quickie but by yourself. +7017,1,"Oh, waiter! I'd like a pile of shit please. Waiter: Excuse me! Customer: Yeah, there's a fly in my soup and he'd prefer something else to eat." +7018,4,Communism jokes aren’t funny Unless everyone gets them +7019,2,Have you heard the joke about silence? Neither have I +7020,1,What is Roger Federer's favorite phone The IPhone 10 s +7021,4,"I'm 60 days clean now It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it." +7022,0,"It’s amazing how technology seems to get better and better… …all the while, people are getting dumber and dumber." +7023,2,"A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern. A police officer asks him what he's doing. ""Waitin' to get arrested, officer,"" he slurs. ""If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."" ""What are you talking about?"" the officer replies. ""I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of being drunk every time,"" he hiccups. ""But now, I'm actually guilty of being drunk *and* a pub lick.""" +7024,6,"I don't understand women... I woke up this morning and asked my wife, ""what's wrong"", and she said, ""nothing"". At breakfast I asked her ""what's wrong"" and she said, ""nothing"". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her again, phoned her in the afternoon and pulled her out of an important meeting, and all she could say was, ""nothing"". We arrived home from work and I asked her what's wrong, and she said, ""NOTHING!"" I was like, ""WOAH, fucking hell, calm down... What's wrong?""" +7025,0,"after brexit... After brexit, papers please is the best selling game in the UK" +7026,0,What do you call someone who masturbates to math? Mathturbator +7027,5,"I started downloading Jaws the other day But after one megabyte, my computer died." +7028,1,"How did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? Well, he was outstanding in his field!" +7029,1,Political parties. They're like regular parties just a lot more boring. +7030,4,"A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived... The children came out fine and the doctor had told their mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years. The children lived a happy life with their parents until they turned 13 years old. On that day, child 1 got a shock. He said to his mother, ""Mommy, mommy, I have something to tell you, "" His mother said, ""What is it?"" Child 1 replied with ""A bullet came out of my pee!"" His mother then said, ""It's nothing to worry about, son, go back to playing your game."" Five minutes later, child 2 got a shock. He said to his mother, ""Mommy, mommy, I have something to tell you,"" His mother said, ""What is it?"" Child 2 replied with ""A bullet came out of my pee!"" His mother then said, ""It's nothing to worry about, son, go back to playing your game."" Five minutes after that, child 3 got a shock. He said to his mother, ""Mommy, mommy, I have something to tell you,"" His mother said, ""Let me guess, a bullet came out of your pee?"" Child 3 said, ""No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog.""" +7031,5,Saying that you were touched by Jesus... ...is a completely different story in a Mexican prison. +7032,0,What do you call an Asian pansexual? Wok-sexual. +7033,1,"What's the difference between a Danish married couple and Batman's parents? One is a pair of wed Danes, and the other is a pair of dead Wanes. (Sorry if this is a repost but I got this from a friend over text. So thanks for the joke u/Bag_of_cheese)" +7034,0,Rick Astley will give you any movie in his Pixar collection But he's never gonna give you up +7035,1,"Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other: “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"" The other one says: “No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!”" +7036,1,What do you call a jewish archaeologist? Torah the explorer. +7037,0,"Somebody asked me what the names of my triplets were. I replied, well this one is Gonzo. They interrupted with, ""Oh you're a Muppets fan.' I said, ""You should have waited before you made that assumption, this one is amatuer, and this one is anal.""" +7038,0,"Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!" +7039,1,"The King and the Fucker on the bridge Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land. There were no complaints. None. The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone passing the busiest bridge in his kingdom. Weeks passed and there were still no complaints. The king stopped thinking about the loyalty test. He was just surprised and kind of dissappointed with his people. He then hired a guy with a massive cock and endless stamina. “The Fucker”. He ordered that everyone passing the bridge is going to get fucked in the ass. Still no news about any complaints. The king started getting suspicious. He disguised himself in ordinary clothing and went to the bridge. Everything was as ordered. The Fucker fucks the next in the line, he passes, and it goes on like this. Then the king showed himself to the people in the line. He asked them: “What do you think about this situation? Don’t you have any complaints?” One of them pushed his way through the crowd and approached him. “Your highness”, said the man hesitantly. “We are extremely pleased with everything, but the Fucker is causing a long queue at the bridge. How about you hire another fucker, so we could move faster?”" +7040,0,"Whats the best part about California? When the fog lifts, UCLA." +7041,4,"The swordfish doesn’t have any natural predators to fear of... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier." +7042,0,Lately I've been confusing dreams with real memories. This makes me sad because it means my dreams are becoming increasingly pedestrian. +7043,2,It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year. Took doctors 4 hours to get it back out again. +7044,3,What's the difference between Jesus and a framed picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture. +7045,1,How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients? On a queso by queso basis. +7046,2,"Apparently, you can master anything if you read it over and over and over again. Is that why reddit has so many experts?" +7047,0,"I love playing hide and seek during sex. After I count to ten I yell, “Ready or not here I come!”" +7048,2,"A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?” He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”" +7049,0,What do you call a 13 year old redneck girl that runs faster than all five of her brothers? A virgin. +7050,0,What is an insect's favourite toy? A fris-BEE +7051,3,Today I gave a blind old woman my seat on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver. +7052,0,Why does Hillary Clinton wear so much makeup? To cover up Bill's jizz +7053,1,An electric engineer electrocuted by accident. he had injuries of 60 hurts +7054,1,Why is it so windy in Texas? because New Mexico blows and Oklahoma sucks +7055,0,Why shouldn't you fight with a scarecrow? Because you shouldn't use the straw man fallacy +7056,0,What does a Olympic Sprinting Chapiom and Hitler have in common ? They both finish the race +7057,1,Have you heard there’s a new low fat communion wafer? I can’t believe it’s not Jesus! +7058,1,How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the teeth. +7059,0,Two ballerinas have a favorite number together It's two too +7060,0,What is green and when you press the button red A frog in a mixer +7061,1,With the new Space Force I heard America was building their very own Death Star...and the rebels are going to pay for it +7062,2,"Geez, somebody's found the password to my account. ,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog." +7063,0,What kind of car dose a feminist drive? A PTSD cruiser! +7064,2,"I gave my crush a glass of lemonade yesterday, and she seemed to instantly fall in love with me. I think I schwepped her right off her feet. " +7065,1,Why did the cop arrest the pasta cow? Because he caught the beef stroganoff in public. +7066,1,"Does eating a lot of beets make your semen pink? I’m not sure if I should wait till my girlfriend and I have sex fo find out, or if I’ll just come clean" +7067,1,Hookers don't fart They let out little prosti-toots +7068,0,Walks into a bar A neutron walks into a bar and ask the bartender how much the bartender replies with for you no charge +7069,2,WHAT DO WE WANT?! TIME MACHINE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! doesn't matter +7070,0,I heard the funniest joke... But the Fine Bros copyrighted it. +7071,2,What's the difference between Tang and OJ? Tang won't kill you! +7072,2,What's the best part of having sex with twenty-eight year olds? There are 20 of them. +7073,2,What’s a tree’s favorite dating site? Timber +7074,2,Great news! My sisters pregnant. I’m gonna be a dad!!!!!!! +7075,1,"My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of... The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since! " +7076,1,Dettol went to GERMANY Now its called ANY. +7077,0,I knew a guy with dermatitis that would not get better. His doctor kept prescribing stronger and stronger steroid creams but nothing was working. Just before prescribing oral steroids the doctor made him go step by step on how he was using the cream. The guy insisted he was following the directions on the box to the letter - apply the cream to the affected area and immediately wash your hands. The dermatitis was on his hands. +7078,0,"Alternative medicine A man, working far away from home, receives a telegraph from his village saying; Your wife is dead stop come quick stop. So man goes to his village to see his dead wife and horny he was, decides to have sex for one last time with his wife. After he is done, a miracle happens and his wife starts breathing again. The man goes back to working. A week later he receives a telegraph saying; your wife is dead stop come quick stop. So man goes to his village to see his dead wife and horny he was, again, decides to have sex for one last time with his wife. After he is done, another miracle happens and his wife starts breathing again. Man returns to where he works and weeks past, he receives a telegraph; your wife is dead stop you dont have to come stop we are all trying stop. Note: English is not my first language, looked this up in this subreddit but couldnt find anything similar so i decided to post it." +7079,2,"A man stands up in a bar and announces ""All lawyers are assholes!"" Another guy stands up and shouts ""I resent that!"" ""Are you a lawyer?"" ""No, I'm an asshole!"" " +7080,0,I'm a radical centrist And anyone who I disagree with is a fascist and/or communist +7081,1,"The world is made of Protons, Electrons, and Neutrons... What about morons?" +7082,1,"A little boy asked his mommy 'Mommy, what's that big hairy thing between your legs?' The mother replied, 'It's daddy now close the fucking bedroom door!'" +7083,2,"The head nurse asked the Doctor to sign a form. He pulls out what he thinks is a pen and tries to sign the form. Doctor ,says the nurse...what are you doing??? that's a rectal thermometer? Oh shit, he says... some assholes got my pen." +7084,0,"A computer programming spider walks into a psychiatrist's. ""Please help me, I have WebSphere!""" +7085,4,"Pickle slicer Joe worked in a pickle factory. He would go in every day with an overwhelming desire to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. The desire was so overwhelming and embarrassing that he sought professional help. For a year, the therapist talked with him, tried to redirect his thinking, but nothing seemed to work. Finally the therapist said ""If it is so overwhelming, just do it already!"" The next day, Joe got home early from work. His wife was concerned, so he told her, for the first time, about his desire to stick his penis in to the pickle slicer, his therapy, and that he finally did it. Horrified, the wife goes over, takes down his pants only to find him intact and nothing missing. Puzzled, she says ""Well, what happened to the pickle slicer?"" "" I think she got fired too.""" +7086,5,"Donald Trump. I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.         ______________________________________________________ **Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original, and ""successful"" joke that made the front page of /r/jokes. I did, and appreciate that you guys appreciated the joke.   P.S. Secret Service, NSA, and CIA...Please don't show up on my front door. I know everyone gets all Delores Umbridge uptight and sensitive about this type of stuff, but this is simply a joke.   P.P.S **(unpopular political opinion warning)** For the record: Despite the fact that I disagree with the President on several things, I'd actually give my life and — hear me out on this — *every* American should (even if you hate every living fiber of him) be willing to give their life to protect Donald Trump as you're portecting far more than the President; *you're protecting the Presidency.* I get it's not a popular opinion, but, to me, Presidents of the United States are the human version of Lady Liberty; even if the President doesn't quite (or completely fails to) embody the values She represents. P.P.P.S. Fuck politics, let's all just be nice to each other, eh? " +7087,4,Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy... It feels great until you look down and realize your gay. +7088,3,"Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians They immediately begin to claim roles. Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.” Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.” Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”" +7089,2,"A man goes into the doctor with lettuce sticking out of his ass. ""That looks nasty,” says the doctor. ""Well,” says the man, ""that's just the tip of the iceberg.”" +7090,3,"George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England. Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?” “Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Bush frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?” The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, well that’s easy. You just ask them to answer a riddle.“ The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?” Tony Blair promptly walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?” The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.” “Yes! Very good,” says the Queen. Very impressed by this performance, Bush flies home excited to try it out on his people. As soon as the plane touches down, he calls Dick Cheney, his vice president, and asks him the same question : “Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I’m not sure” says Cheney, perplexed. “let me get back to you on that one.” Cheney goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts “Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Colin Powell yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!” Cheney smiles, and says, “Thanks!” Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle : it’s Colin Powell.” Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, “No, you damn idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”" +7091,2,"Two Christians are lost in a desert David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst they finally see a mosque far away. They start discussing among each other. David: I'll pretend I am a Muslim so they will give me food and water! Michael: I don't care I am a proud Christian and I will not pretend to be someone else just for food. As they go to the mosque, the Muslims rush to their aid. David says he's a Muslim and Michael says he's Christian. So the Muslims get water and food fast for Mike and as David was waiting for his turn the Muslims turn around for him and say... ""You know it's Ramadan, right""!" +7092,1,What do you call a Russian superhero? Blyatman +7093,0,"What do ""the force"" and ducktape have in common? They both have a dark and a light side. And they both keep the universe together" +7094,4,This morning I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind man I also got fired from my job as a bus driver +7095,1,I will never forget our day at that sandy beach together It’s really ingrained in my head +7096,0,What do you call an Iranian with bulimia A purgin' Persian +7097,4,"I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs Wrong plaice, wrong thyme" +7098,1,"David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words... it was published posthumeously." +7099,0,"Doc, it hurts when I try to start my lawnmower! Doctor: Then don't try to start your lawnmower!" +7100,0,The average person.. Is mean +7101,1,Whats a chef's worst insult? When the fat kid doesn't go for secconds! +7102,2,The men who fought in the Revolutionary War were very brave. They would take turns standing there shooting at each other... ...and that takes balls. +7103,2,“Where did you go for vacation and how did you get there?” Me: Iran. +7104,0,My wife say I have 2 faults 1. I don't listen 2. Something else +7105,5,My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness as a disguise... He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people actually let him in +7106,4,When I drink alcohol... Everyone says that I'm alcoholic But When I drink Fanta... No one says I’m fantastic. +7107,2,What does a dinosaur say when he hurts himself? Dino sore. Please forgive me for the dad joke. +7108,2,"(NSFW) A Catholic priest is walking down an alleyway when a man comes up to him. ""Pictures of little boys?"" ""Go away,"" the priest responded angrily, ""I am a Man of God."" ""Come on, pictures of little boys?"" ""Go away and repent sinner"", the priest replied, ""I will have none of it!"" ""Come on father, pictures of little boys?"" ""Alright fine, how many do you want?""" +7109,0,Know why Hitler committed suicide? He commuted suicide because of the gas bills +7110,9,"What's your name?"", asked the teacher. ""Mohammad,"" he replied. ""You're in Ireland now,"" replied the teacher, ""So from now on you will be known as Mike."" Mohammad returned home after school. ""How was your day, Mohammad?"", his mother asked. ""My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. ""Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. ""What happened to you, Mike?"", she asked. ""Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs.""" +7111,1,I can count how many times I've been in Chernobyl with one hand 16 +7112,2,A man is sitting in a bar with his head down looking upset. “Bartender: What’s the matter buddy? Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend. Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do? Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out! Bartender: What about your best friend? Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG! +7113,2,A study says that selfies make your nose look 30% bigger. (unzips) +7114,2,"Mickey mouse wants to divorce Minnie ""Mickey, it says here your reason for the divorce is because she's... extremely silly?"" ""No! It's because she's fucking goofy!""" +7115,0,My girlfriend left me because of my penis. Small wonder. +7116,2,"If you’re Russian when you’re going to the bathroom, Finnish when you get out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European. " +7117,1,I found my heaven on earth. My H. O. E. +7118,4,"Incredibly lame joke my 9 yr old cousin told me. (NSFW) So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach. A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums. Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, “Why don’t you play the flute instead of the bongos?”" +7119,0,"Regardless of race, gender, color or sexual orientation, every human walking this Earth Marvel's at his or her work at least once every day. And then uses the flush." +7120,2,87% of Russians favor Vladimir Putin The other 13% is still missing. +7121,0,"When you're stricken with a sudden, alarming amazement or dread that results in utter confusion What in consternation?" +7122,2,"You know that feeling when you want to eat something that’s right in front of you, but you can’t? Yea, that’s why I quit being a gynaecologist" +7123,2,"Dentist 2 A fellow is trying to get to sleep but he keeps tossing and turning. He wakes his slumbering bride and says, ""We need to have sex. I'm all tense and need to relax so that I can sleep."" She answers him, ""Oh, hell no! I have to go to the OB/GYN in the morning so I'm all cleaned up."" She goes back to sleep leaving him befuddled. In a while, he wakes her again to ask, ""Do you have to go to the dentist tomorrow?""" +7124,6,"The Rich Husband A cell phone on a bench in the locker room of a gym rang and the man next to it put it on speaker, so everybody could hear. Everybody immediately stopped talking to listen in on the conversation. WOMAN - ""Hello?"" MAN - ""Hello."" WOMAN - ""Hi, honey, are you at the club?"" MAN - ""Yes."" WOMAN - ""I've been shopping around and found a beautiful leather coat, and it only costs $2000. Can I get it?"" MAN - ""If you really like it, sure."" WOMAN - ""I also stopped by the car dealership, and there's a new model that I really like."" MAN - ""How much is it?"" WOMAN - ""$90,000"" MAN - ""Sure, get it, but for that price, I want all options."" WOMAN - ""Great, and one last thing."" MAN - ""What is it?"" WOMAN - ""I was talking to Sarah a couple hours ago, and the house I really wanted to get two years ago is back on the market now."" MAN - ""How much is it?"" WOMAN - ""It's $980,000."" MAN - ""Alright, offer $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, another $80,000 is worth it if you really like it."" WOMAN - ""Okay, I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN - ""Bye, I love you too."" The man then hung up. The other men in the locker room were looking at him with surprised faces. The man looked at them and said ""Anybody know whose phone this is?"" EDIT: Formatting " +7125,2,"The doctor told me he needs blood, urine, stool, and semen samples. I handed him my underwear." +7126,4,I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me! Its probably because I always win. +7127,0,What type of people never get angry? Who are dead. +7128,3,Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist +7129,2,How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian +7130,1,How do you introduce a hamburger? Meet patty... badum tss +7131,4,I was in a band called Dark Web. We was always on tor. +7132,0,"2 jokes I had a couple short jokes so I’ll just throw them together. *********** Three construction workers are sitting around a site in break after a couple days’ rain. To pass the time they each bet they can throw a brick the highest. They decide whoever gets their brick to sink the farthest into a deep mud puddle will win. So the first guy rears back, throws his brick, and it sinks 6 inches into the mud. The second guy takes aim, throws his brick up, and it sinks a full foot into the mud. Then the third guy takes his shot, throws his brick up... and it doesn’t come down. *********** The second joke is thus: A woman decides she wants to visit her mother in the hospital after a recent surgery. She decides she will take her pet parrot too, since her mother loves seeing him. Unfortunately, her mother lives several states away and the only viable travel option is on a no pets, no smoking flight the next day (this is, of course, before no smoking on any flight). So she decides she will smuggle her parrot in under a jacket. So the next day, the woman packs her bag, dons a jacket and takes her parrot to the airport. Once there, she gives the parrot a treat and hides him in her jacket. Once the plane takes off, the captain comes out into the cabin to speak with the passengers. In his mouth is the biggest cigar anyone in this flight has ever seen. As he reaches the woman, he asks her how she is enjoying the flight. “Just fine,” she responds. “Well great, we should be there in time, so please enjoy the flight.” As he is just about to walk away, the pilot hears *Arw, Polly want a cracker.* “What was that?” the pilot asks. “Oh, nothing!” *ARW, POLLY WANT A CRACKER!* “You have a parrot!” The pilot exclaims. “Well you have a cigar!” The woman responds, equally enraged. The captain reaches over, opens the woman’s jacket, and pulls out the parrot. “You’re not allowed to have a parrot on this plane,” the pilot says. The woman snatches the cigar out of the pilot’s mouth and retorts, “Well you’re not allowed to have a cigar on this plane!” At this point, the pilot has had enough, so he opens a window and throws the parrot out the window. Furious, the woman throws the pilot’s cigar out the window before he has a chance to close it. As the pilot storms back to the cockpit, the lady sits down fuming over the loss of her beloved pet parrot. After the pilot has had a chance to calm down, and has put the entire event from his mind, he hears a tapping, *tap tap tap*, at his window. He looks over and what should he see but the parrot. And it has something in its beak. Now you might think the parrot grabbed the pilot’s cigar, but no. In its beak is... The brick. *********** I’ll see myself out..." +7133,2,"Four football players are stranded on a deserted island One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution. ""Lads,"" he says, ""it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."" The second footballer nods in agreement, ""I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."" The third footballer frowns. ""Well lads,"" he sighs, ""I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry.""" +7134,1,"What is it that lives if it is fed, and dies if you give it a drink? ***fire***" +7135,1,Where can one find the best wine? At the bottom of the bottle. +7136,3,"Three drunk guys entered a taxi... The taxi driver knew they were drunk, so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, ""We have finally reached your destination."" The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said ""Thank you"". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked ""What was that for?"". The 3rd guy replied, ""Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"" " +7137,1,"When Chuck Norris played Texas Hold 'em, he got pocket rockets... ...suited." +7138,0,"A dyslexic farmer has a bad harvest and he writes to his friend to tell him what happened. ""The year's crops have gone to meet God,"" he writes, ""in the atfertile.""" +7139,0,A tuba player finally joined an orchestra! It was his first blow job +7140,0,What do you call a gentlemanly country tipping its fedora? M’laysia +7141,6,"A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day... The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works. ""Do you know what I do for a living?"" She nods. ""You're a fisherman, right?"" ""Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized. There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out. They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on. Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish. Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in. Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted. Etc, etc, etc."" ""That seems like it would be tedious. How do you decide which job you want? Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"" ""Well, no. Everyone starts by hooking the fish. Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there. After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling. The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish. Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."" She thinks about that for a minute, then nods. ""Okay, so what do you do?"" ""Me? I'm a baiter. Have been for years!"" Uncle Tim is clearly proud of himself. ""Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game. See how there are people fishing all up and down here? Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position. Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street. If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish. And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end. That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"" The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier. She hates it. The bate is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her. It's miserable. About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job. That night, at dinner, her mother asks, ""So, how was your day with your uncle? Where did you go? What did you learn?"" She thinks for a minute before replying: ""We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain. I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Tim.""" +7142,0,"Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight? A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed. The cop was dumbfounded. 'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman. 'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.' Edit: Those who think he can still get arrested.. I know it guys. Don't take it literally. Its a JOKE. Sometimes it might actually happen, right? Just enjoy possibility. :)" +7143,0,"What do skaters, kidnappers, and hipsters all have in common? They all have white vans" +7144,2,I bought a Molotov Cocktail today It was $850 and they called it the Note 7 +7145,4,A mother was tucking her son in one night she really wanted a daughter +7146,1,"If you ask a Russian male about Russian homosexuality... “In Russia there are no gay sirs, only Sergeys”" +7147,1,"A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: ""what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"" ... ... ... ... ​ ""Hank 1980-2017 He was well hung"" ​" +7148,1,I was watching soccer on a plane I was watching soccer on a plane and there was a person running up the wing. Please note: I have slightly edited the joke by Tim Vine +7149,1,"If you're playing golf but it's getting dark, what club do you use? A Night Club." +7150,1,"My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog. I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before." +7151,0,My friend asked me which famous king's story I'd like to live to. I said I'd kill for Henry VIII's legacy. +7152,3,"A family is at a dinner table... A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” " +7153,0,"Where do bald, bearded midgets fear to tread? Gnome Man's Land." +7154,0,What's the difference between Kevin Spacey and a bank loan? One waits until you are an adult before it fucks you. +7155,4,I was given MDMA and LSD tonight… What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble... +7156,0,What does the founder of Playboy say when he gets wrongfully imprisoned? 'Hugh Hefner right to do this!' +7157,1,How could you tell NXIVM was a cult and not a social club? Based on the type of branding +7158,0,Quantum eraser joke ** +7159,1,Yo mamma's so classless... she could be a marxist utopia! +7160,0,Did you guys hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? On 9/3/16 they lost to The Ohio State 77-10 +7161,2,"Two nuns are on a ferry They're in a rush to get to an important meeting with the bishop, but as the cars start to leave the boat they notice customs performing long drawn out searches of each and every vehicle. One nun turns to the other and says ""Sister we really don't have time for this, I'm sure if you show them your cross they'll wave us through."" The second nun drives up to the officers, rolls down her window, and yells ""Fucking let us through, you cunts!!!""" +7162,1,Why shouldn't you run over a mexican kid on a bike? Because it might be your bike. +7163,1,Why do some people prefer Bing to Google? \\(B\\)ecause \\(I\\)t's \\(N\\)ot \\(G\\)oogle. +7164,4,"A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it* Man 2: ""What the problem?"" Man 1: *Sighs* "" I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole """ +7165,1,What kind of bee gives you immortality? A Zom-bee!!! +7166,4,What do jellybeans and the human race have in common Nobody likes the black ones +7167,1,"Sometimes some people deserve a good high five, in the face, with a chair " +7168,0,What do me an Kanye West have in common? When I rant as much as that people boo me too. +7169,1,Black Lives Matter. Of course they do. How else would we keep score? +7170,0,How do you catch a Hollywood executive? A boobie trap. +7171,1,My mate just cut himself while shaving... bloody wanker! +7172,2,Doctor: What's wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Why didn’t you bring him in earlier? Boy: We needed the eggs. +7173,0,"Your mama is so fat, when she tripped and fell the only one cracking up was the ground" +7174,0,I just uncovered irrefutable evidence pointing to Hillary Clinton's involvement in the Benghazi attack I must share this because the American people have the right to kn +7175,1,Why is it called sour cream? Because sweet cream only comes from female cows. +7176,1,My father told me that 65% of the lentils they farm go to Asia. I asked him if they were ori-lentils. +7177,1,"What do you call a freezing German city? ""Brrr""-lin." +7178,1,"So there I was... ...balls deep in a man's ass. He turns around and asks ""Hey, can I have a reach-around?"" So I asked, ""What are you, gay?""" +7179,0,"I had my truck seviced at the dealer. While I was waiting, the service manager offered to give me a hummer. I had to explain to her that I couldn't drive two vehicles at once. " +7180,0,I know how you can stop hitting your toes to things. Walk on your heels. +7181,4,"If it's true that the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick, That must be why so many people are scared of clowns." +7182,2,"An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier. Cashier: ""Hello, how can I help you?"" Lady: ""I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"" Cashier: ""I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have concerns regarding the change."" Lady: ""Nevermind. I'll keep it then.""" +7183,1,Do you like stars? On Trivago you find Hotels with 5. ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^Sorry. +7184,1,"Dave drowned. So at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life belt... Well, it's what he would have wanted." +7185,3,"A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers... ...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot. In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panicked and went into the back, crushed up the now empty 6 pack and placed it between 2 slices of bread. The manager takes a bite and immediately spits it out, ""What the hell is this supposed to be?"" The Jamaican guy responds, ""It's a beer-can sandwich, man."" " +7186,4,"At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill. People gave me weird looks, so I started jogging instead." +7187,4,How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? The light bulb was already changed a month ago the last time this was reposted +7188,2,"What's big, white and can't climb trees? A fridge." +7189,5,Will glass coffins be popular in future? Remains to be seen. +7190,2,"I heard he got caught but got off easy I just read a news article with the headline ""Woman beats off rapist!"" and I thought... ""Well... that seems like a reasonable compromise...""" +7191,1,Why did Darth Vader come to the the dark side? He was diagnosed with a light depression. +7192,0,Norway is a strange country. Some are married... The rest have kids. +7193,0,"A man walks into a government building... A man walks into a government building to take care of some personal business, he notices the lady behind the counter is rather disgruntled and unhappy with her job. But he goes about his business, and at the end he asks for a receipt of transaction. Woman (obviously irate): ""I can't do that for you"" Man: ""well why not?"" Woman (still being rude) "" I just can't"" Man (jokingly): ""well what if I took you out for some dinner and cunnilingus?"" Woman (just pissed at this point): ""what the hell does that even mean, that some kinda French food? I don't eat snails!""" +7194,2,"Which Pokemon will never give you up? A Rick Gastly! Hey jokers, it's my first post here." +7195,0,I learned to ride my bike with no handlebars over the summer. How else am I supposed to catch a Pidgy and get to work on time? +7196,0,Life is like a box of chocolates You throw away all the dark ones. +7197,2,"Three men on a Cannibal Island Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says "" I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."" So, the three set off to find ten pieces of fruit. The first one comes back and says ""I have brought before you ten apples."" The king looks at him right in the eye and says, ""I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only then will I set you free."" With some hesitation the first man starts to perform his task... One...two... and he winced. Sure enough, the king snapped his figures, and the first man was chopped up and cooked up for dinner. The second man comes before the king, ""I have brought ten blueberries."" The same response left the king's mouth,"" I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only the will I set you free."" One two three for five six seven eight...... and he laughed! With the quick snap of his fingers, the second man was chopped up and cooked up for the next meal. The two men meet up in heaven, and the first man asked the second man, "" what in the world happened?? You could of made it off the island and told our families what happened to all of us! What in the world was so funny that caused you to laugh?"" The second man shrugged and said, "" I saw the third guy carrying pineapples...""" +7198,4,"A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan When they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, ""Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."" They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, ""Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."" At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. ""Look,"" she said, ""I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."" Credits : u/scotcheggy's grandfather. " +7199,4,"My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says ""I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"" His wife says ""I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"" ""I'm not going to forget,"" he waves his hand at her dismissively. ""Ice cream sundae."" ""With cherries and chopped nuts. You'll forget, I'm going to write it down for you."" ""Woman I'm not senile! I won't forget! Sundae with cherries and nuts."" ""And whipped cream. You're sure you won't forget all this? You forgot the last time. Please, I'll write it down so you won't forget."" The old man gave an annoyed sigh and left the house. He returned and handed his wife a bag. ""Here you go, I didn't forget."" She looked inside the bag and found a toasted onion bagel. ""Yes you did! I told you you would forget, and you did!"" The old woman threw a fit. ""You forgot the cream cheese!""" +7200,3,"3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up.""" +7201,0,"Someone tells a funny but very simple joke on Reddit... And somehow there are always comments saying, ""I don't get it.""" +7202,1,How do vegetables have fun at a party They turnip +7203,9,"A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum. After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have. -Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum? -Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go. The director gathers three patients for a demonstration. -So, resident 121, what is six times six? -One thousand? -says the first one. -Well no, that's another year here for you. The director proceeds to ask the second patient the same question. -Well, the answer is February. -My God... No, no it isn't. You are staying here one more year. Finally, the director asks the question to the third patient. -What is six times six? -Obviously it 36. The director cheers the third patient and proceeds to comunicate the asylum staff he is ready to leave. The new guy asks the patient before he leaves: -Good job answering correctly. How did you know it? -Well, it was easy. I divided one thousand by February. " +7204,4,"Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in mere seconds" +7205,3,Just impulse bought a blind fold... Cant see myself wearing it... +7206,1,You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed? 12 hardened criminals escaped. +7207,1,What is a bovine cosmonaut's favorite vacation destination? The moooooo-n. +7208,1,Why did the teenager climb the ladder? To get to high school. +7209,1,I was addicted to hokey pokey But then I turned myself around. +7210,5,What do you call a dinosaur who lost their gold? A dinosr +7211,0,What do my anus and bank account have in common? They both hate chipotle +7212,0,How do you make a clown sad? You break his funny bone. +7213,2,Never perform an organ transplant on a frog. It's very disheartening and they usually croak. +7214,6,The bartender said we don't serve time travellers... Two time travellers walk into a bar +7215,1,"Have you heard about Bill O'Reilly's new book? It's called ""Killing a Career."" " +7216,0,"Two muffins... Two muffins are baking in the oven when one turns to the other and says, ""is it just me or is it getting hot in here?"" The other muffin replies, ""AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!""" +7217,4,Why did the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken. +7218,1,Why does Bob Ross hide his wife's razor? So she always has a happy little bush! +7219,4,"Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, ""I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"" The guy on the left wakes up and, unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, ""That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"" " +7220,1,I'm friends with 4 different guys named Rich It's an embarrassment +7221,1,"A man and woman are making passionate love in the bedroom. Suddenly, the apartment door opens, and a man comes in and shouts, ""Darling! I'm home."" He walks into the bedroom, sees the naked couple and says, ""What is she doing here?" +7222,1,DJ Khaled's favorite number Is 11 cuz There's another 1. Saw this comment on Wild Thoughts. +7223,0,What are you charged with for taking a selfie while driving? You get charged with a DUI. Driving Under the Influencer. +7224,3,Why did Logan Paul not high five Ricegum? Cause he likes to leave asians hanging +7225,5,"Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals. Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind-- Patient: AAUUGGHH!!" +7226,0,What do glycerin and 9/11 have in common? Bush did it. +7227,0,What do you call Drake and Josh obsessively watching anime? Weeaboobs. +7228,2,My girlfriend is from another Nation. ImagiNATION +7229,1,What's a Jamaicans favorite noodle? Raaahmon +7230,0,Yo mama so nasty I walked in the front door and saw her playin' strip poker with the cockroaches +7231,4,Husband: I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary Wife: Nothing will please me more Husband: *Gets her nothing instead* +7232,0,What do you call a racist Chinese person A ricist +7233,2,"Programmer's son asks his father: -Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west? Father: It works? Don't touch it." +7234,1,What quality does Elon Musk look for in a woman? He just wants her to be down to Mars +7235,0,Which African country has the most obese inhabitants? Burkina Fatso +7236,1,"A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city.... While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. ""I think we're lost!"" They yell. The stalker sighs and says, ""Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand.""" +7237,6,What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common? They both want to get there before the hair +7238,0,I went to Spain. I learn the Spam. +7239,3,"When I killed a... When I killed a honeybee dad told me no honey for a week. When I killed a butterfly he said no butter for a week. Well mom just killed a cockroach, should I tell her for you?" +7240,4,"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's some obscure number you've probably never heard of." +7241,4,"Two 90 year old men love football Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, ""Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."" Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: ""Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."" Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ""Mike... Mike..."" ""Who is it?"" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. ""Who is it?"" ""Mike. It's me, Joe..."" ""You're not Joe. Joe just died."" ""I'm telling you, it's me, Joe."" insists the voice. ""Joe! Where are you?"" ""In heaven"", replies Joe. ""I have some really good news and a little bad news."" ""'Tell me the good news first,"" says Mike. ""The good news,"" Joe says, ""is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."" ""'That's fantastic,"" says Mike. ""It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? "" ""You're in the team for Saturday.""" +7242,1,My local pizza place is struggling to stay afloat They really knead the dough +7243,0,"A wise man once was asked: ""If someone is truly in love, will he return?"" To which he responded: ""Who the fuck knows. Let's grab some pizza and beer!""" +7244,5,"Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod." +7245,4,Why did they stop giving tests at the zoo? It was full of cheetahs. +7246,4,"Stop me if you’ve heard this one... A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”" +7247,0,"Unhappy with the lion's rule, the hippos decided to create a new government after themselves Sadly, it often contradicted itself" +7248,0,An apprentice baker was fired for experimenting with ginseng and rice instead of yeast in his dough He grained a new respect for authoritiea that day. No bun ascended +7249,0,My Chinese girlfriend made me soup made of glass shards and cyanide. It was wanton soup. +7250,0,My walker was in my car when I got in an accident... Now it’s a Paul Walker +7251,0,"I was told it was racist to use ""welsh"" when someone won't pay a bet. They said to use ""renege"". So I called them a bunch of renegers instead." +7252,1,I think pennies are made of copper and zinc But that’s just my two cents +7253,4,Do you know the difference between me and eggs? Eggs get laid. +7254,2,I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers... ...but then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck. +7255,2,Ever thought about the rectum As a whole? +7256,8,"My buddy said to me yesterday, ""If I shagged your wife, would that make us related""? I said ""No man, that would just make us even.""" +7257,4,What do an airplane and a girl have in common? A cockpit +7258,6,"Two blondes in a helicopter Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said ""I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?"" The other responded ""I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"" " +7259,0,"I learnt not to gamble at very early age When I was 8, I took a gamble on a fart while riding a ferris-wheel and lost. I had to throw my underwear out in the bathroom." +7260,2,"Farmer John owned a pool. Every night these three ducks would sneak in and splash around, keeping John up at night. Eventually, John got sick of it and called the police on the ducks. They were brought before the judge the next day. ""Alright,"" the Judge said. ""What I need you to do is walk up here and state your name and what you were doing in Farmer John's pool."" The first duck waddled up. ""Hi,"" he started. ""My name's Duck and I was blowing bubbles in Farmer John's pool."" The Judge let him go and the next duck waddled up. ""Your honor,"" he started. ""My name is Duck Duck and I was blowing bubbles in Farmer John's pool."" The Judge let him go and the next duck waddled up. ""Wait, lemme guess."" The Judge said. ""Your name is 'Duck Duck Duck' and you were blowing bubbles in Farmer John's pool."" ""What?"" the third duck said. ""My name's Bubbles.""" +7261,4,What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink? Sprite. +7262,1,Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called? A fairy tale +7263,1,"With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost un-noticed. ​ Larry La Prise, the man who wrote ""The Hokey Pokey"" died peacefully on 11 April 2016 aged 83. ​ The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. ​ They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there. ​" +7264,2,I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg But he could see right through me... And then i didnt have a leg to stand on. +7265,1,"A man is on a long haul flight, late at night. The air hostess notices he is the only one awake and approaches him. She offers a glass of whiskey, and advises that each drink come with a small bowl of cashews, to which he accepts. He takes a sip of his drink, then all of a sudden hears a voice say to him; ""You smell beautiful today"". Confused, the man looks around, but cannot tell where the voice came from. Only a few seconds later, the voice says to him; ""You look amazing at the moment"". Even more confused, the man seeks out the voice. The man next to him is asleep, the seats in front and behind him are empty. Brushing it off, the man carries on with his drink. Yet again, the voice pipes up; ""I love your hairstyle, it really suits you"". The man, now suitably confused and concerned, beckons over the air hostess, and explains to her what the voice keeps doing. ""Don't worry sir"" she remarks, ""it's just the complimentary nuts""." +7266,1,I went shopping for cherries and a microphone today. Bought a bing bought a boom! +7267,1,A guy tells his friend:”wanna hear a joke?” “Sure thing” “A girlfriend” “I don’t get it....” “And you never will.” +7268,2,What do you call a homeless monkey in the woodwind part of an orchestra? The oboe bonobo hobo. +7269,1,"Ever seen a Canadian standoff? It's like a Mexican standoff, but instead of 2 guys with guns it's two guys who keep trying to let the other go through a narrow door way. ""Oop, sorry. Oop, sorry""" +7270,0,What does Riley Reid and a fat dude have in common? They both put pies in their holes. +7271,2,"During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit. “Nervous?” asked the interviewer I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”" +7272,2,What's the definition of a Professional Farmer? Someone out standing in their field. +7273,0,Irish Potato Famine Irish: Our potatoes are not growing and we are dying. Everyone else; Why not grow a different vegetable? Irish: HOW DARE YOU?! +7274,1,Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. +7275,1,What do you call a guy under 6 feet? A friend. +7276,2,"Is eating popcorn gay? Because after all, you are eating a busted nut" +7277,0,The environment is so bad. Dihydrogen monoxide now covers 70% of Earth. +7278,3,"A man asks god how long a million years is to him... God says that a million years is like a second to him. The man also asks how much a million dollars is to him. God says a million dollars is like a penny to him. The man builds up enough courage to ask him if he could have a penny, and god replies “In a second”." +7279,0,"Describe your last fart with the name of a movie Rules Could be any movie old or new Just name the movie, we dont need specific description of your flatulence And lastly, name only one movie if your movie is already listed try to be original and think of a new name" +7280,2,"Hey, Fellow people with social anxiety, want to meet up tomorrow? Oh wait, I greatly apologise but I can't make it. I am very busy, shit Maybe another time." +7281,3,Some people take Christmas way too serious... It's 362 days away and people already have their decorations up! +7282,0,"A malicious man is slaughtering all the continents After he kills Africa, he says “Europe next!”" +7283,2,"I remember the last thing my Granddad said before he kicked the bucket. He said, "" Watch me kick this bucket""" +7284,2,Those black cats better not cross my path. I'm not superstitious. Just racist. +7285,1,"A black pepper and a white pepper walk into a bar After a while the black pepper notices the white pepper looking at him all crazy and says ""Whacha lookin at?"" And the white pepper says ""ACHOOOO!""" +7286,2,Why do guys with huge dicks always mess up a joke’s punchline? To get to the other side! +7287,0,I've been through to much. I'm sick and tired. Everything is spinning around me. I don't know how I'm gonna bare the ironing board. +7288,9,"In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician... ... are sleeping when a fire breaks out. The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again. But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again. But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again." +7289,6,"A programmer's wife A programmer's wife says: ""go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."" He returns with 12 loaves of bread." +7290,0,"2 bees on are their way to the synagogue when one exlaims, ""I've lost my yarmulke!"" The second one says, ""you better go back and get it so no one thinks you're a wasp!"" *wasp - White Angle Saxon Protestant" +7291,1,"I told my classmate that Jaime Lannister should get Joffrey'd. She said ""I will fight for Jaime's rights!"" I said ""Don't you mean his lefts?""" +7292,1,It's great to see so many girls on Tinder with no bio I guess they're all against profiling +7293,5,"Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog? Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog." +7294,1,"A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage... A Buddhist monk finds himself on a pilgrimage in The United States to become more affiliated with the innate mysticism that influences the modern world. ​ He decides to start in America's intellectual capital, New York City, mind open and ready to learn. He got plenty of strange looks from the cynical locals, and had his picture taken by many tourists wondering if it was ""just another day in New York"" as he walked through the city's labyrinthine streets. ​ He eventually got hungry in Time's Square, and decided that it would be appropriate to patronize one of its many stands and food vendors. The Buddhist Monk walks up to a hot dog stand, looks to the vendor, and says ""Make me one with everything.""" +7295,5,With great power Comes great electricity bill +7296,5,"A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice. ""Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"" Officer is concerned and says: ""What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"" Man says ok and leaves the police station. A couple hours later, police officer is looking through the window sees the man and the penguin, holding hands and walking down the street. He gets furious and rushes to them. ""Didn't I tell you to take him to the Zoo? What are you still doing here?"" Man gets confused and also angry, responds ""Why are you shouting officer? I did get him to the Zoo as you told me. And now we are going to the movies!""" +7297,2,"Job Interview A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him ""Are you allergic to anything?"" He says ""Yes, just caffeine."" ""Have you ever been in the service?"" the interviewer asks. ""Yes,"" he says, ""I was in Iraq for two years."" The interviewer says ""That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here."", and then asks, ""Are you disabled in any way?"" The guy says, ""Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."" The interviewer tells the guy ""O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."" The guy is puzzled and says ""If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"" ""'This is a government job,"" the interviewer says. ""For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."" " +7298,0,So im going to Kangaroo island.. And I heard that place is pretty HOPPING.. +7299,0,What's difference between Jesse Owens and Adolf Hilter? Owens can finish a race. +7300,0,Newsweek Jokes on you +7301,0,Suicide bombers are so good in using their mouth! especially in giving blow-jobs! +7302,0,14-year-old boy who had sex with his hot teacher died... ...his friends high-fived him to death. +7303,0,"Max Powers is a Men's Medium. Max Powers talk to the spirits of the deceased, but only those who were men of sub-average height, and was also insecure about their insufficient height. Max helps them overcome their insucerites and leads them onto the next plane of exsitience. Thursday's at 9/8 central, Max Powers is...a Men's Medium." +7304,0,I've been trying to lose some weight by working out and my girlfriend told me today that I look toner. She wants to trade me in for $2 at staples. +7305,0,What do you call a Winston using his Jetpack?? A Boosted Animal +7306,2,"Lunch First time posting. Sorry for the bad grammar and punctuation. There were three construction workers an English and Indian and a Chinese. Everyday at 12 o'clock they'd sit down and eat their lunch. They'd been working at this construction site for a month and everyday they would have the same food. The English man had his fish and chip. The Indian man had his rice and curry and the Chinese man had his chow mein. One lunch time, fed up with their lunch they decided if they had the same lunch tomorrow they would jump from the top of the building. Then next day they opened their lunch box and saw they had their exact same lunch as yesterday so they all jumped from the building, leaving a note behind to say why they had decided to kill themselves. A funeral gathering was held for the three workers. All eyes were on the wives of the workers. The Englishman's wife sobbing said ""if only he told me he wanted something different I would have made it for him."" The Indian mans wife was crying even harder and said ""this is all my fault I should have made him something different."" The Chinese mans wife looked around the room and said ""don't look at me, he used to make his own lunch"". " +7307,3,How do emo's like their meat cooked medium rawr +7308,1,What does a pile of ceramic make when it falls? A tile wave. +7309,4,"“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs. But I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes." +7310,1,Psychiatrist: It sounds like your wife has some sort of multiple personality disorder. Me: I told you she has more than one person inside her. +7311,4,"Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist. And he says I'm fine." +7312,1,What does a lawyer and a prostitute have in common? They both fuck you for your money. +7313,0,What did the HiV +ve boyfriend say to his girlfriend? Aids Mubarak +7314,1,Where are all the noble gases? They argon +7315,2,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the White House on the other side +7316,0,"A prostitute was trying to deposit $500 into her bank account. The cashier said ma’am, I can’t take this, this is fake, and not even a very good fake at that. She said no please check again, this can’t be. Cashier: maam no way it’s real. Prostitute says ohh god no this is horrible, omg I’ve just been raped" +7317,1,"Potato in your swimming trunks Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!  Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front. " +7318,0,"Doctor: It’s bad news I’m afraid, your wife either has Dementia or Aids Husband: Well how will I know Doctor: Drop her off at a bus station with £5, if she comes back don’t fuck her " +7319,0,What's a massocists favorite part of being thrown through a window? The pane of glass +7320,0,"Name 3 white things on a black man Eyes, teeth, owner." +7321,3,I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property. Sounded like a pyramid scheme. +7322,4,"An American man visits the Holy Land... An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker ""We'll ship her home."" The undertaker asked ""Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."" The man replied ""look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance.""" +7323,1,"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside." +7324,0,"Animal funny joke A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”" +7325,4,"A young girl had a female parrot that used to follow her everywhere . The parrot was even imitating the owner by saying ""I'm beautiful, I' am sexy, and I' love sex "" One day ,a priest came over to bless the house He was shocked to hear the parrot saying ""I'm beautifull,I' am sexy and I' love sex "" _Good Lord child !!! I' have 2 parrots at home and they read from the bible ,not use such a disgraceful language_ . _Give her to me and I'll teach her some good manners_ ! The priest gets home and places the parrot in the cage ,with the other two . As she was used to ,the parrot says : ""I'm beautiful, I' am sexy and I love sex "" The two parrots look amazed at eachother : _The Lord must have heard our prayers_" +7326,0,My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with poker. I think she's bluffing. +7327,1,"I like my women the same as I like my coffee Cold, dark and bitter. " +7328,0,"Mick text his wife and said Hi honey be home in about half hour just having a beer with the boys, if I am not home in half hour. Read this text again.." +7329,0,What do you call a woman with no asshole? Divorced or single. +7330,3,"A frog goes to get a bank loan. He hops up on the desk of Patricia Whack, one of the bank employees, and says, “I want to borrow $500,000.” Patricia says, “Well that’s a lot!” Frog says, “It’s okay, my dad’s Mick Jagger.” “That’s nice,” Patricia answers, “but if you want to borrow that much, the bank needs some kind of collateral.” So the frog takes a ceramic pig out of its little bag and sets it on Patricia’s desk (he looks very smug at this point). He says, “I think this ought to take care of that.” “Uh, let me check with my boss.” So Patricia takes the ceramic pig back to her bosses office and explains the situation. “And what the heck even is this?” she concludes, pointing at the ceramic pig. Her boss says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give a frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”" +7331,0,"Coming out Son: Mum, Dad, I'm gay Mum: looks at dad Dad: [clenches fist and sweats] Mum: No, don- Dad: HI Gay, It's Dad" +7332,2,"A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand... and says ""Make me one with everything.""" +7333,1,I love going to church. I like that they pass a basket were you grab money. +7334,1,Why do ducks ruffle their feathers? To make sure there covering their quack. +7335,4,"A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, ""Give me six double vodkas."" The barman says, ""Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."" ""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."" The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, ""I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, ""Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, ""Yeah, my wife!""" +7336,1,"He saw the frozen chicken George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer. The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped. George thought to himself, ""On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."" He opened the door and saw the bird alive! The bird said, ""I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again. George said, ""Why the change?"" The bird answered, ""Because I saw what you did to the other bird." +7337,2,"Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices? Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!" +7338,1,What did one mountain climber say to the other that would not stop running around? Do you Everest? +7339,0,I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee +7340,1,What did the rain and the snow get when they lost the race? Precipitation trophies. +7341,1,"I'm trying to prevent a trip to see my in-laws in China from happening. So I'll just say ""Fuck the Chinese Government"" right here. That should do." +7342,1,When it comes to sex ... ... I don't get it. +7343,1,"You could ask Rick Astley for any movie in his animated collection, but... He’s never gonna give you Up." +7344,1,It would suck to be a battery You're either working or you're dead. +7345,4,"A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child. **""Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child.""** The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up: **""Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?""**" +7346,0,What do you call a lad that put on his glasses? Seymour. +7347,1,They say that jokes are all about the delivery I think that is codswallop because no one finds FedEx or DHL funny. +7348,0,What’s the newest sport to be added to the Olympics? Mental gymnastics. +7349,2,What kind of cars do foreigners drive? 4Runners. +7350,0,"A bit of Christmas Doggerel Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry, you better bite the pillow, cuz I'm going in dry." +7351,0,I know the voices in my head aren't real I know the voices in my head aren't real but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome! +7352,0,What do you call a white-skinned prostitute from Thailand? A Cock-Asian. +7353,1,"Two exhibitionists meet One says to the other : ""Careful man, your fly is up""" +7354,1,If jack was on A horse If jack was on a horse.... And he wanted to get off the horse... Would you help jack off the horse.... +7355,3,Why is everything so cheap in Alabama? Because they get a family discount. +7356,0,What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEE +7357,1,I told her I liked pain Wish I wouldn't have mistyped paint +7358,1,Riffing off u/Mc237269's joke: What do Donald Trump & the Galaxy Note 7 have in common? Push any button then watch the explosion. +7359,0,I'm not sure if the founder of such a notorious website such as 4chan should be working for Google... ... but I guess it's just a moot point +7360,0,"At bar last night, a lad told me he was ""23 going on 24."" I told him ""Obviously.""" +7361,0,my rapper friend likes to visit Wisconsin hes love to get this cheddar +7362,0,Why does the leaning tower of pizza lean? It is *italic* +7363,1,"A pair of newlyweds are having marriage problems. They decide to meet with the Rabbi in order to prevent the termination of their very short relationship. The Rabbi asks the husband, ""What has brought you to the point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"" The husband says, ""In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."" ""Seven weeks,"" the wife says." +7364,2,"T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde) A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, ""T.G.I.F."" The man replies, ""S.H.I.T."" Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, ""T.G.I.F."" Again, the man replies, ""S.H.I.T."" Undeterred, she says, ""T.G.I.F. - Thank God it's Friday!"" The man replies, ""S.H.I.T. - Sorry Hon, it's Thursday.""" +7365,1,What do you call a member of a royal court who you can hire for cheap to represent you in a rap-battle? A dis-count. +7366,1,"I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times." +7367,0,"Two strands of rope were drinking at a bar One of them seemed distressed; the bartender asks, ""hey buddy, you okay?"" The rope said ""Nope, I'm a frayed knot.""" +7368,1,Why did they mammoths get extinct? There wasn't any daddoths +7369,1,How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb? What’s a lightbulb? +7370,0,"If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the precipitate." +7371,1,"Three guys are out camping during a cold winters night. It starts to rain and the fire goes out, they decide the only way to keep warm is to share a sleeping bag. Naturally it's all a bit awkward at first but they eventually get to sleep. The morning comes and they all feel much better. The guy on the right says, ""I had this amazing dream of getting a hand job!"" The guy on the left says ""Oh wow so did I!"" Then the guy in the middle says, ""That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"" " +7372,0,"What is an Italian mobster's favorite JRPG? DIS GUY, YA!?" +7373,0,What do you call a snobby criminal walking down stairs? A condescending con descending +7374,1,"Screaming Husband A husband was screaming at the top of his voice to his wife... ""What the hell do you think of yourself, you idiot, fool, I can do whatever I want, and no body, ""that's nobody "" can stop me from doing it, you got it loud and clear."" The wife was a meek audience listening to all this . When her husband finished his shouting session, she said quietly. ""That's okay, honey but please, do come out from under the bed.""" +7375,3,A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme. The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train. So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion. +7376,1,"What do you say to a German coeliac? ""Gluten Tag"" I apologise for nothing ;)" +7377,2,"A nurse runs up to a doctor ""Doctor, Doctor!"" she exclaims. ""This patient's blood sugar is crashing!"" ""This calls for a cool refreshing beverage!"" says the doctor. The nurse says, ""Dr. Pepper! not now.""" +7378,0,"Donald Trump could very well be our next President. Laugh, because it's a joke, guys. Guys? Guys! ...It's not funny anymore..." +7379,2,"A Protestant, Jew, and Catholic.... A Protestant, Jew and Catholic are all outside one day talking about their offerings to the Lord and how each religion blesses God with their offerings. The talk gets heated and competition comes into play. The Protestant runs and grabs all the offering money out of his church, draws a big circle on the ground and says, ""I'm going to take all of our offering money, throw it up into the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we are going to give to the Lord."" The Catholic runs out and grabs all their offering money and says, ""I'll do you one better! I will throw up all of our offering money in the air and whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle, we will give to the Lord!"" The Jew runs out and grabs all their offering money and says, ""Well, I'm going to throw all of our offering money up into the air, and whatever God wants, he can just take it."" " +7380,4,"I was on a cross country flight and the stewardess asked me if I wanted any headphones? I said, ""sure, and how did you know my name was Phones?""" +7381,8,"CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. ""Can I help you?"" she asks. ""I was wondering,"" whispers the man. ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" ""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" The man replies, ""Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.""" +7382,3,Where can you go on Reddit to ask questions? Not /r/movies. +7383,3,"White people can't say the N word, but.. They can say ""thanks for the warning officer"" and ""hey dad""" +7384,0,"I'll tell ya, Marylin Monroe... Was a true laydie." +7385,7,"After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes. He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection." +7386,2,"Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry." +7387,4,Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa? He can always feel your presents. +7388,1,What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me. +7389,0,How do you clean a condom? Turn it inside-out and shake the fuck out of it. +7390,1,Having anorgasmia feels like playing Monopoly You never finish. +7391,0,Why are horses bad politicians? They always say neigh +7392,1,What's considered an homemade gift in China? An IPhone. +7393,2,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629."" " +7394,0,What do you call round slices of ham from bronze age Iraq? Akkadian Bacon. +7395,0,What is Van Gogh's favourite fruit? Man-gogh +7396,1,Jesus woke up with a boner... It was quite the Reserection. +7397,0,I love a germ an girl in bed! I love fucking German girls but it's such a boner-killer when they keep shouting their age during sex. +7398,0,What does a cat call its owner. pussy whipped +7399,3,I lost my mood ring this morning... I don't even know how i feel about this. +7400,2,I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon. It was a good run. +7401,0,What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked it out with a pencil. +7402,3,"When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person." +7403,1,What's the best smelling insect? A deoder-ANT +7404,2,Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory? He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated. +7405,5,There are two main reasons I don’t let my girlfriend use my PlayStation. 1) I don’t have a PlayStation. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend. +7406,0,If C3PO was made of glass... That would make him a see-through-PO! +7407,8,What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit? It’s fucking r/aww! +7408,1,I have a joke about construction But I'm still working on it +7409,4,Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle. +7410,0,What do you call a dead vegetable grower with rigor mortis? A firmer former farmer. +7411,1,Why did the crab get fired? Because he was not moving the company forward. +7412,1,I looked into your fridge yesterday. I soya milk +7413,2,"hey babe, if I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd start thinking about you " +7414,1,Yesterday i said I would write two jokes jokes jokes Jk anti vaxers and flat Earth people +7415,2,I have only two requests for when I die. #1. I want my remains scattered around Wrigley Field. \\#2. I don't want to be cremated first. +7416,4,"A father looks to his son He says ""Son, I need to tell you something."" ""What is it dad?"" ""You were adopted"" the dad tells him ""Oh my god, I cant believe it..."" ""Yeah, go pack your shit your new parents are on the way""" +7417,0,Want your Valentine's Day Roses to live longer? Give them a Viagra +7418,8,"One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt... Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic. Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop their pants. Incredibly, all of their dicks are cut off, except Sir Lancelot. King Arthur, furious, yells at his knights, ""See! Look how none of you are trustworthy around my wife. How dare you all to betray me! I shall have you all demoted, except for Sir Lancelot, my dearest, truest friend. Thank you for keeping my trust, good noble sir. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?"" ...But Sir Lancelot could not speak." +7419,0,What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies +7420,0,What does Trump think when CNN reports on a sex offender? Fake nudes +7421,0,"Sweet Potatoes What did one sweet potato say to the other sweet potato. I think I'm a sweet potato therefore ""I YAM"". " +7422,5,"Your honor, if you truly are what you eat Then I am an innocent man" +7423,4,"A cowboy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, ""What's the matter?"" The cowboy replies, ""Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."" The bartender suggests, ""Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"" The cowboy says, ""That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."" A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. ""I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"" The bartender says, ""Why don't you try shaving the mane?"" A few months later the cowboy is back. ""I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"" The bartender yells, ""Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"" The guy storms out of the bar. The next day, the cowboy runs into the bar. ""It worked, it worked!"" he exclaims. ""I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!""" +7424,0,Chuck Norris kicked the bucket last night. The bucket passed away in the morning hours. +7425,3,"At the Pearly Gates An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, ""You know, there is one thing. I'd love to see what hell is like for the sinners. I have spent my entire life warning them about their ways, so I'd like to see them in their just reward. I would really get a kick out of that!"" St. Peter motions him towards an elevator and tells him to push the H button. The Evangelical steps into it, presses the button, and feels his stomach rise as the elevator begins a rapid dissent. Finally, after 5 long minutes the trip ends and the Evangelical steps through the doors. The first thing that hits his senses is the live band music emanating from a stage. Then the sights and sounds of thousands of souls, eating, laughing, dancing, singing, and having a good time wash over him.Everywhere, as far as the eye can see, are tables piled high with food, scantily clad ladies frolicking around the tables giggling, with laughing men clutching at them. After a few minutes, the visibly upset Evangelical retreats into the elevator and ascends back up to the PG level. (Pearly Gates, if you didn't get it.) As the doors open he angrily steps out to see St Peter beckoning him towards a door past the gates labeled ""Dining Room."" He enters it famished to find a dull white room without any furnishings. Only a bare bulb lights it. A moment later Jesus enters the room with a folding card table and three folding chairs which he sets up. A few minutes later St Peter enters carrying three paper plates with peanut butter & banana sammiches. They all sit down in silence to eat. With each passing minute the Evangelical is becoming more visibly agitated. Finally St Peter asks him what is wrong. The Evangelical says, ""Look, down there in hell they are having the party of the century with wine, women, and song. Up here we are eating this crap in a dull lifeless room. What the hell is going on?"" St Peter looks at him in amazement, ""You don't really think we are going to go to all that trouble just for the three of us, do you????"" " +7426,0,What do you call a sociopath from a rich family? .....President +7427,0,What does rice have in common with separating children from their parents? ICE +7428,0,"What's the worst thing to hear during sex? ""Honey, I'm home!"" " +7429,2,What did the man say to the priest at the beach? Do you mind getting out of my son. +7430,0,"Ghandi's story. Did you ever hear of Gahndi and how he was really really thin and frail, and because of his diet he had bad breath. He also walked around without shoes on so he had very thick callouses on his feet....he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis" +7431,0,"One day, God made a gigantic bathtub filled with mystical water… The mystical water is white and will make everything smell nice. It also have a mystical power that will change the person's skin colour according to the colour of the water. Then, God calls upon three chief from different tribes, and tell them and their fellow tribesmen to bath at the bathtub, but under one condition, that is they have to kept their eyes closed. They all agreed as they dare not defy God. First tribe to reach the bathtub is the White Man tribe. They closed their eyes and they jump into the bath tub together. All of them are come out with white skin. Before they left they decide to make fun of the other two tribes. Hence, all of them pee into the bathtub, making the bathtub yellow. The second tribe to reach is the Asian tribe. They repeated what the White Man tribe did. But they came out yellow instead. One of the tribesmen from Asian tribe opened his eye, noticing his skin colour changed, he screamed: ""Why the fuck am I yellow?"" The other tribesmen, opened their eye and see themselves came out yellow, cried as well. They were so angry that they decide to poop in the bathtub. Because sound travels at 340ms, it took around 3 minutes to reach God's home. When God heard the Asian screaming and crying, he came down, and say ""Who allowed you all to open your eyes?"" Without further ado, God shrinked the Asian's eyes. Leaving them chinky and yellow. The last tribe to reach is the Nigga tribe. They repeated what the White Man tribe and the Asian tribe. However, when they are bathing, one tribesmen from Nigga tribe touched something at the bottom of the pool. It was a cylinder shaped stuff. It is the Asian's poop. Nigga tribe, unlike Asian tribe, obeyed God's order to not open their eyes when they are at the bathtub. Nigga tribesmen thought it was some kind of sex toy from God, hence they put the Asian's poop on their dick. The mystical water somehow merged the poop and the Nigga's dick together. When Nigga tribesmens leave the bathtub, they are black, and with big dick. Tl;dr Creation of White Men, Asian and Nigga." +7432,0,"I absolutely despise double-standards... Except when it's me, then it's okay." +7433,0,"a brazillian was hanging on a edge and the American was standing there. The Brazillian kept saying ""push me push me"" and the American said no. the American then pushed the Brazillian." +7434,3,What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river? Dammit +7435,2,I went to a drug den dressed as HIV. Nobody fucked with me. +7436,0,Donald Trump just tweeted he will build a Moon base and be the first person to step foot on the Moon again. I can hear it now... Houston this is Tranquility base the Ego has landed +7437,0,"With yesterday's Duke game, Nike really shows their commitment to Colin Kaepernick. Nike shoes now feature that a gurantee that you will be on only one of your knees, if not both, in a short amount of time by using their shoes. Ensure you are always ready to protest, wear Nike." +7438,0,I can't wait until this election is over and we can go back to calling Trump supporters what they were originally called Racists +7439,0,'Where in the World is Matt Lauer?' Locked away in his office with an unsuspecting woman. +7440,4,"Son: But moooom, i don't wanna see grandpa. Mom: Shut up son and keep on digging! " +7441,1,Why was the Pirate Captain not a virgin? Because he already had a first mate. +7442,1,"A boy and a girl are kissing in the park... After some time the girl, clearly anoyed by something, says to boy: ""Can you please spit out that chewing gum when we are kissing!?"" And the boy says: ""Sorry... (Snort!) I am little under the weather..."" " +7443,3,"A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag. The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk. The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling ""Grrrrr"" The clerk says ""fine fine"" and adds in the $10 he was trying to shortchange the dog with. The dog puts everything back in the bag and saunters off. The man thinks this is very interesting and decides to follow the dog to see what else it will do. He watches the dog reach a traffic light. Sit and wait for it to say ""WALK"" before it crosses. He eventually follows it to a building. It jumps up and presses an apartment number with it its paw.The door buzzes open and the dog goes in. The man sneaks in behind it. The dog goes to the elevator and pushes the up button with its snout.They both get into the elevator and the dog presses the button for the 8th floor. Once there, the dog goes to an apartment door and starts scratching. An older man opens the door and starts shouting at the dog, telling it how stupid it is. The man who’s just witnessed how amazing this dog is decides to intervene.“Excuse me! But I think you’re being unfair to your dog. This is the most amazing dog I’ve ever seen. I saw it buy groceries for you, check the change it got was right, get all the way back up here and now you’re calling it stupid?” The old man replies “Well, this is the 3rd time this week this dumbass forgets his keys!”" +7444,0,How can you tell your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face. +7445,3,"On the morning of her birthday.... On the morning of her birthday, a woman tells her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams. " +7446,1,Frank has no arms. **Knock knock who's there?** Not Frank. +7447,1,The phone number for the Anti Vax Society is 545-5437 Otherwise know as KIL-KIDS +7448,0,Your momma so fat LIGO detects her gravitational waves when she bumps into other fat moms. +7449,2,What is a slap in the face? First hand information! +7450,0,"I made a bizarre porno. It stars two guys named Ed that have vaginas for hands. I'm calling it ""Edward Scissorhands""" +7451,3,The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin. Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either. +7452,1,"Have you guys heard about Fight Club? I went last night. Its pretty awesome, everyone should go. I got there a few minutes late and missed some of the rules, but no problem!" +7453,1,"Husband: Hunny, when I die... I want you to cremate me and put me in a whistle so you can blow me one last time. " +7454,0,Why shouldn't you date an elderly woman? It Depends. +7455,0,"Bought my wife some crotchless panties for her birthday. Not for any sexual purposes, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick." +7456,2,"A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money! So the the client asks ""How much is a ton of money"" The banker responds ""Two Thousand Pounds""" +7457,0,"Tooth Decade Here's an original. My dentist celebrated 10 years of practice by replacing all of the tile in her waiting room with an elaborate mosaic of the number 10. Personally, it's not the floor I'd use to present a tooth decade." +7458,0,"I argued about whether the participle was dangling, but then decided it was pendantic. I'll just see myself out. " +7459,2,My nan caught me having a wank when I was 15 and had a stroke She has such soft hands... +7460,1,My Friend Smuggled a Sick Eagle Across The Border So It Can Get Treatment It's an ill-eagle. +7461,1,I used to go out with a lady angler. Until she started to spin me some line. +7462,0,Why do we dress baby boys blue and baby girls pink? Because they can't dress themselves. +7463,0,Sally Has No Arms Sally: Knock knock Male Home Owner: Who's there Sally: Sally Male Home Owner: Sally Who Sally: Sally with no arms. *The next day Female Home Owner: Who's that on the swings Male Home Owner: Not Sally. +7464,0,"Guy walk's into a bar A guy walk's into a bar and asks the bartender what drink he recommends. The bartender tells him to try a grasshopper. The guy drinks a few of them, gets drunk, and instead of driving home decides to walk. Halfway home he see's a grasshopper and says to the grasshopper,""hey did you know there is a drink named after you?"" The grasshopper replies,""I didn't know there was a drink named Gary!!""" +7465,1,My son's teacher called and said my son might be the next Jesus because they crucified him on the playground I said: well give it three days +7466,1,What's the difference between the Falcons and a dollar bill? A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters. +7467,0,"CHRISTMAS BONUS Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here? Secretary: My lawyer." +7468,0,What do you call a women lying on a tennis court? Annete. +7469,0,It's never too early for a pickle... ...unless it's a cucumber! +7470,0,"Talking to my friend about how useless I am with ladies... Me: ""I even had to stand on a damn ladder yesterday just to kiss my date goodnight..."" Him: ""Wow, was she tall?"" ""No, she hung herself.""" +7471,0,truly awkward ! that awkward moment when a kid ask's u to tell a joke but all the jokes u could think of are dirty ones +7472,1,A bodybuilder just knocked on my door When he moved to the neighborhood the courts ordered him to tell everyone he is a flex offender. +7473,2,"A foreign man walks into a bar... He sees a group of hot women, and asks them, ""Where are you from?"" in a thick accent. Somewhat annoyed, they reply, ""Go away, we're lesbians!"" Determined to get one of them, he says, ""but I'm from Lesbia too!""" +7474,2,A man walks into a bar. Ouch. +7475,4,[nsfw] I like my women like I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed with coke +7476,1,"One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner. In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, ""I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me."" Next is the rabbit's turn, ""I wish for a motorcycle helmet,"" he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, ""I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me."" The rabbit next says, ""I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas."" The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, ""You could have wished for money to get those two things!"" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, ""I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!"" He smiles smugly. The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, ""I wish for this bear to be gay.""" +7477,4,"A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks ""Do you have a criminal record?"" The man looks confused and replies ""No, do I still need one?""" +7478,0,Have you guys heard of the guy who stole a calender? He got 12 months. +7479,0,"The Genie Johnny was a poor, but hard-working man. He only knew living from dime-to-dime. One day Johnny was trekking through the woods when he spotted a rusty old lamp. Johnny never believed in magic, but as a joke, he spat on and rubbed the lamp clean. All of the sudden, smoke pours out of the spout and a genie appears. ""Hello! You have summoned me and shall be granted three wishes! Johnny jumped for joy. He sat and pondered what his wishes would be. First, he wanted a new place to live. the old wooden shack he called a home was falling apart. ""I want a marble mansion with full furnishings."" said Johnny. The genie waved his hand. ""It is done. There is now a mansion where that old shack once stood."" Johnny though about all the parties he could throw, but he wasn't the best looking guy in town. He stood up, ""I want a hot wife-wait, no. I want a haram of hot wives."" The genie once gain waved his hand. ""When you go back to your new mansion, there will be numerous brides anticipating your arrival."" Johnny though hard about his last wish. He had the house and many pretty girls. What could be the frosting on the cake? After a few minutes of thinking, Johnny stepped forward. ""Genie? If it isn't too much to ask, could I be hung like a nigger?"" The Genie scowled but still decided to grant his final wish. ""When you go back to your home, you will find all your wishes have come true. I bid thee farewell!"" The Genie disappeared back into his lamp. Johnny was excited. He skipped almost all the way back home. It was everything he imagined when he got there. The mansion was huge and all of his new wives were greeting him at the front door. He threw the biggest party that night. Only one thing was missing: his penis size. Had the genie forgotten to grant the last wish after all? As the party was winding down, Johnny heard a screech of tires and several men yelling. Suddenly, six men in white robes burst through the mansions front door and seize Johnny. Confused and babbling, Johnny is pulled out of his mansion and hung from a tree in his front yard. The End." +7480,1,"Doctors to Patients The patient says, ""Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."" The doctor says, ""Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.""" +7481,2,The Carpenter came around the other day... He made an amazing entrance! +7482,1,What do you call a pig in a trailer? Pulled pork! +7483,1,"A White, American, college age female walks into a starbucks... She doesn't order anything." +7484,0,I wrote a Haiku Poetry is hard Like Mr. Jared Fogle At a kid's party +7485,2,How many Greeks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Olive them. +7486,4,While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins. I ran in to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging a hole. +7487,2,I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami concert I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors. +7488,0,"How many bites out of the new iPhone did Tim Cook take? 16, 32, 64, and 128" +7489,3,"Bad News A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him. ""I have two pieces of bad news,"" the doctor says. ""What are they?"" ""Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."" ""What's the 2nd piece of news?"" he asks. ""Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."" The man laughs and says, ""Well, at least I don't have cancer.""" +7490,2,Where do you get a degree in professional card games? The Unoversity. +7491,0,"Donald Trump is being pressured to act on climate change... ...""Plastic is a major polluter!"" Greenpeace says. ""Plastic bags that end up in the sea get eaten by turtles that mistake them for jellyfish!"" ""Ok,"" says Trump ""All we need to do is not use plastic bags and instead use jellyfish.""" +7492,2,What did sushi A tell to sushi B? Wasabi. +7493,6,Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last as long for fat people. +7494,2,Why do swedish warships have barcodes on them? So they can Scandinavian +7495,1,People should not take drugs. Instead they should buy their own. +7496,0,"Trump at the doctor's office Trump: Doctor, you see I have the most painful pain in my ass. No one has pain like this, believe me. My best friend is pain, you know that? Doctor: Alright bend over and let me do a quick rectal exam. Oh I found the problem, Putin's wristwatch was deep in there. " +7497,3,"I told Iron Man to break a leg, he tripped and broke his leg. Oh the iron knee. Note: I'm retarded and don't know 100% what irony is so this might make no sense." +7498,3,What do you call sex with a condom on? Sex in a nutshell +7499,1,"I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway... It's a this order disorder disorder disorder." +7500,0,"Stoners at a warehouse packed with crates. ""Behind every crate man, there's a crate."" ""Woah man.""" +7501,8,"For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr" +7502,0,I made the world's largest pizza base the other day. I'd like to see someone top that! +7503,4,Told my doctor that I was extremely constipated He told me that I was full of shit +7504,0,Why do gametes end up as prostitutes? Because sex cells +7505,5,Women speak at a higher pitch when they talk to someone attractive... That's why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman. +7506,1,"My friend is a transgender atheist. They're a she now, but they were a heathen." +7507,3,"The toothbrush was invented in Huntsville, Alabama... Otherwise it would have been called ""the teethbrush.""" +7508,0,Helen Keller walks into a bar... and then a table. and then a chair. and then a reposted joke. +7509,1,"Little Johnny Johnny : ""My dad is bigger than your dad."" Dave : ""Yeah? Who's told you that?"" Johnny : ""Your mum.""" +7510,3,"This man goes to the doctor and the doctor said; You seem to have forgotten everything you know about 80s music The man in a state of panic asks; oh no, what is the cure The doctor said; oh my god it’s worse than I thought " +7511,0,"Man Shocked, Doctor Rocked :D Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke? No. Do you eat too much? No. Do you go to bed late? No. Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No. Then why would you want to live more than 100 years? :D :D" +7512,1,What do you do to a Elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros. +7513,0,"A Dubai Police official said that ""no one will be detained without committing crime and violating the laws in the UAE.""" +7514,4,Which country’s capital is the fastest growing? Ireland’s. Every year it’s Dublin. +7515,0,"For the new year, a film director decides how to shoot a movie. For the new year and an upcoming project, a film director decides to try something that hasn't been done before. The director ponders and thinks about what will stand out as both unique and modern for a film to be shot in 2019 and released in 2020. After giving it some thought, the director decides to film the movie in portrait mode instead of the typical landscape. After all, there are a lot of videos out there in portrait mode, but no full-length movies. It will be revolutionary! After bringing the idea to the production company, the director meets resistance. The production company says ""We can't do that, the screen is wide! We would only be able to use a small part of the screen and nobody in the theater will be able to see it very well. Furthermore, everyone's TVs are wide as well. How will people watch this film?"" The director has another idea. ""How about everyone watches the movie on their phones? That way we don't have to spend any money to re-purpose the theater and there is no issue with people not being able to see. It's genius!"" The producers are speechless at this proposal and glare at the now defensive film-maker. After some moments of silence, the director asks, ""What, do you guys not have phones?""" +7516,0,I wish there was a computer program that made catchy dance tunes about combating climate change... In other words: an algorithm that makes Al Gore rhythms. +7517,3,"A Duck walks into a pharmacy. He tells the pharmacist “I’d like to buy a box of Chapstick.”. The pharmacist replies, “OK, how would you like to pay for this?” The duck says “Put it on my bill.”." +7518,0,Doublelift and piglet became one What a DoubleLetdown +7519,0,"What is the one question on a test that if answered incorrectly, gives you an instant 0? Your name. You want credit don't you?" +7520,6,"What's the difference between the USA and a bird? On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird." +7521,2,How does a Rabbi make tea? Hebrews it. +7522,1,I doubt alcohol is the answer But it's worth a shot +7523,0,How many mangoes make a dozen? Six girls ;) +7524,2,The chicken came first then the rooster. they both felt good. +7525,3,What did the emo computer say to the other emo computer? rar XD *uncompresses your files* +7526,2,Sushi ...the rolls-rice of Asian seafood +7527,0,"A Pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed in the front of his pants, and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says ""Sure, but what's with the steering wheel in your pants?"" The Pirate gives him a serious look and says "" Arrgh, It's driving me nuts!""" +7528,1,What do you call a fish and an elephant? Swim trunks. +7529,1,Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email? Attachment leads to suffering. +7530,4,"People often say ‘icy’ is the easiest word to spell, and after looking at it... I see why " +7531,4,What do you call a ripped yeti? The abdominal snow man. +7532,0,How do you find out if someone is ticklish? Give them a test tickle. +7533,0,"I realised my pocket had been picked and cried out in surprise. I realised my pocket had been picked and cried out in surprise. My friend, who was with me, asked me what happened. I told him that someone had just picked my pocket. He asked me how much money I had in it. I said, ""It was empty; even the wallet was a cheap one."" He started laughing and said, ""Poor thief is going to be very disappointed"". He then shook his head and added, ""But how could he have known that you did't have any money."" I said, ""The thief decided to rob me, didn't he. He must have sized me up and realised I didn't have deep pockets""." +7534,0,What do you think of Santa Clause? He sleighs. :) +7535,0,where does a stool stay in the toilet (joke courtesy of my grandmother) +7536,5,"There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The angel reappeared and announced that God had decided to make an exception and was allowing him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” But the man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter returned, saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry- on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.” St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?”" +7537,1,"Which Batman villain was excluded from ""The Snap?"" Two-Face, he's perfectly balanced." +7538,0,What does a clown pour out of for a drink on a hot day? A juggle of lemonade! +7539,0,"I pledge allegiance to the flag... ...of the United States of Hysteria, and to the Republicans, for which it stands, one nation, under Trump, completely divided, with liberty and justice for whites " +7540,0,"What do you call a cheap, male prostitute with a 12-inch penis? Five dollar foot-long." +7541,2,"How do you tell a deaf person to shut up? ""Here, hold this.""" +7542,4,Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool. +7543,0,"A guy walks into a barber shop drunk and asks for the latest hairstyle... So the barber asks him if he's intoxicated and the guy says ""no, I want the lastest hair style"" The barber looks over at the front door and notices the drunk guy has tied up a push bike on a dog lead. The barber turns to the guy and asks ""is that your bike?"" The guys says ""no, I'm taking my dog for walk. Give me the latests hairstyle"" At this point the barber is about the throw the guy out and he says ""I don't know what this is but you must think I'm mad if I'm going to cut the hair of person who walks their dog at 3am in the morning?!"" At this point the drunk gets a rowdy and just plonks down on one of the barber chairs and starts cutting his own hair. The barber steps back, afraid to aprehend the guy and says ""hey, stop, you can't cut your own hair, you are are not qualified!"" The guy says ""Well if you're not going to cut my hair I'll have to do it myself"" At that moment someone passing by looks in and says ""what's all the comotion, is everything ok?"" The barber is relieved this person showed up because he needs to support of someone else to handle this drunk person. The barber says ""I open for business but I'm not cutting the hair of drunk person who walks their dog at 3am in morning!"" The person outside stumbles and walks up to the barber and says ""I also want a haircut"" The barber smells his breath and notices this guy is drunk too. At that moment he is feeling outnumbered by all the drunk customers wanting haircuts. He steps back and says ""I'm not cutting your hair because it's 3am and your drunk wanting haircuts. What sort of crazy people get drunk at 3am and want haircut?!"" That's when the 2 men turn to him and shout: ""We're crazy?! you're the one open for business at 3am!""" +7544,3,"A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease. “I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.” ​ “Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.” ​ “And that’s not all,” the father continues. “I think I might have given it to his mother.” ​ “Oh no!” cries the doctor. “Well, now we might all have it!���" +7545,0,Why do transvestites descend slowly? Because of the drag. +7546,0,What does batman masturbate to? /r/JusticePorn +7547,0,Found this gem +7548,0,Non-existent fingers... You can’t count on them +7549,6,"Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city. He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver: 'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200' The cab driver responds, 'Right, how do I know you're not just scamming me? You can walk back to your stupid village.' Since there are no other taxis around, Engelbert indeed has to walk all the way back to his village, which takes him 4.5 hours. He is not happy, as you can understand. The next week Engelbert again goes out in the city and again ends up trying to find a ride home at the same taxi stop. Now he has ensured that he has plenty of money left to get a ride home. This time there are three taxis; one of them if the taxi from last week. First, Engelbert goes up to one of the other two taxi drivers. Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?' Taxi driver #1: '$100.' Engelbert: 'Ok, tell you what. I'll give you $200, but then we stop half way, and you come give me a nice hand job in the back seat.' Taxi driver #1: 'What! That's disgusting! Get the fuck out of my cab, you creep!' Engelbert now goes to the next cab (not the one from last week, but the other new one). Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?' Taxi driver #2: '$100.' Engelbert: 'What if I gave you $200, but then we stop somewhere during the ride and you give me a nice blow job in the back seat?' Taxi driver #2: 'I don't think so, you pervert! Get out of my cab!' Finally, Engelbert goes to the cab driver that wouldn't take him for $80 last week. Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?' Taxi driver #3: 'Still $100, just like last week.' Engelbert: 'OK, I'll tell you what. I give you $200, but then you have to honk and wave at the other cab drivers as we drive off!' " +7550,0,"Three guys walk into a bar And sit down at the counter. The first guy buys the first round, 3 pints of larger and they drink them down quickly. The second guy buys the second round, same again, and down the hatch they go. The third guy orders himself a shot of vodka and puts it straight on his head. The other two look at him strangely. The third guy says, ""don't worry lads, this ones on me""" +7551,3,"Man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand pounds in it. He approaches the bartender and asks: ""What's with the money in the jar?"" ""Well..., you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, ""What are the three tests?"" ""You gotta pay first,"" says the bartender, ""those are the rules."" So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar. ""Okay,"" says the bartender, ""here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."" ""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."" ""Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."" The man is stunned! ""I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"" ""Your call,"" says the bartender, ""but, your money stays where it is."" As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, ""Where's the damn tequila?!"" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over hisbody. He drunkenly says: *""Now... Where's that old woman with the bad tooth?""*" +7552,2,Hey have you ever had sex while camping before? Because it's fucking in tents +7553,1,"This really isn't a good joke but... In an alternate universe, Hitler gains power of the whole world (somehow) and he is so full of himself, he changes the official title of a man from mister to the first 3 letters of his name. In this alternate universe, Hitler doesn't believe in Aryan supremacy but supports LGBT (bear with me). One day, a group of retired military bisexual friends go to a firing range to see once and for all which one has the best aim. When they arrive and start gunning down the targets, hitting dead center each time, other people at the gun range notice. One guy says ""hit or miss, I guess they never miss huh?""" +7554,1,"Received a christmas card todah, inside there was nothing but grains of rice. It was from Uncle Ben." +7555,3,"If a feminist has 15 cupcakes And she eats 13 of them, why is she wearing leggins?" +7556,2,I get erections are funerals. Guess you could say I have mourning wood. +7557,0,How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder and one to screw your mother - I mean light bulb! +7558,0,Someone had the power to do just nothing. Some man thought of a Joke. Knock knock Who’s there? F*** me F*** me who? I’m your girlfriend +7559,0,What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass. +7560,4,I've always loved hearing the word tinnitus It just has such a nice ring to it +7561,0,"Knock, Knock - Knock, Knock. - Who’s there? - Winnidup. - Winnidup who? - Yes. Now could you please open the door Piglet?" +7562,0,"Snoop and Dre might be getting old, but at least they still keeping it real.. Their new album is called ""Pissin' Aint Easy, But Its Necessary"". " +7563,4,"What did the man with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet." +7564,2,"What's your favorite drink to have during Christmas time? Mine is the Little Drummer Boy. It's 1 part rum, 3 parts pum." +7565,0,"Why are clocks the worst spies? They ""tok"" every other second. " +7566,0,I love jokes about prostitutes They're hoe-larious +7567,8,"All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. ""I should be in charge,"" said the brain, ""Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."" ""I should be in charge,"" said the blood, ""Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."" ""I should be in charge,"" said the stomach,"" Because I process food and give all of you energy."" ""I should be in charge,"" said the legs, "" ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."" ""I should be in charge,"" said the eyes, ""Because I allow the body to see where it goes."" ""I should be in charge,"" said the rectum, ""Because Im responsible for waste removal."" All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge." +7568,0,What do you see at an amphibian impulse party? Newt on seconds. +7569,0,What color are Oreos? African American +7570,0,"[NSFL] What's pink, 9 inches and makes women scream in the bedroom? Cot death." +7571,4,What do hobbit homes with no entrances need? More doors. +7572,1,My therapist said that I have paranoia But I don’t believe her that’s real ^or ^anything ^for ^that ^matter +7573,8,There are only two types of people worse than racists The blacks and the jews +7574,1,I promised my wife the earth today… But I gave her the live instead and electrocuted her… +7575,1,"So, i used to work in a convenience store... It's my first shift, and a gentleman comes in asking for nails, I sold some nails to him as my manager was watching He said to me, mate, that's not how you do sales!! I'll show you how it's done Before you know it another man comes in asking about some lawn seeds, he proceeds to show him where they are (as I'm observing) and then asks, mate, would you like a lawnmower with that? Youre right! The customer exclaims, how didn't I think of that?! My manager says and you might need a sprinkler! Gonna have to grow it some how right? Yes! The customer yells, I want a sprinkler too! Anyhow, a $20 sale turns into a $200 one thanks to my manager, smiling eagerly to me, see mate? That's how it's done, your turn now So it's my turn now, a gentleman comes in towards the close of a Friday night and he asks for some tampons for his wife I said sure, showing him where they are, my manager looks at me as if to say come on I know you can do it So in my eagerness I said to the gentleman, would you like a lawn mower with that? He says why the fuck would I want a lawn mower with that? I said well your weekends fucked so you might as well mow the lawn I got fired :(" +7576,1,Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest **Suitors:** [all awkwardly look at the toaster] +7577,0,What is white and inside a baby's diaper? Michael Jackson's ghost's hand. +7578,1,What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey! +7579,5,"A married man is out looking for some “company” While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights. He walks up to the car, knocks on the window and says “what do you think you’re doing?” The man replies “Don’t you mind?!?! I’m making love to my wife.” The cop says, “I’m sorry I didn’t know.” The man replies, “Neither did I until you turned your lights on.”" +7580,2,"Physicians were discussing who to build Trump’s Mexican Wall The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.  The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.  Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, ""Over my dead body!"" while the Pediatricians said, ""Oh, grow up!""  The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.  Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.  The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would ""put a whole new face on the matter.""  The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.  Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.  In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington! " +7581,1,"Two kids of different faiths are walking to school The Christian kid says ""My faith can move mountians!"" The Muslim kid says ""My faith can move towers!""" +7582,2,"When midgets celebrate 4/20... Do they get high, or just get medium?" +7583,3,"A llama walks into her house to see her husband in bed with another llama After a moment of intense silence, the husband gets up and says, ""alpaca my bags.""" +7584,0,What Chinese name means 'wolf'? Hau Ling. +7585,2,"I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**." +7586,0,Why is Sprite better than Coke? I think it’s pretty clear. +7587,2,Obesity. It’s a big problem. +7588,1,"A guy told to one million people that for only 1$ he would teach them how to become millionaires After they all paid, he said: ""That's how.""" +7589,3,What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music +7590,1,"How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and place peas around it. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick it in the icehole. " +7591,5,"Hiw did you kill 50 people!!? Officer: how did you run over 50 people? The man: let me ask you this: if you were driving, and your car wouldn't stop, and there are two people on your left and 50 people on your right, which way would you turn? Officer: obviously to the left. The man: that's exactly what i did. Officer: then how the HELL did you kill 50 people? The man: well officer, i turned left and hit one of the the two people, and the other ran across the street, so i followed him. *I heard it a while back, don't remember where*" +7592,2,"A horse trots into a bar, trips, and falls" +7593,0,Condoms don't make sex safe. I had one on and her husband still kicked my ass. +7594,4,"Jane gets her very first periods... and has no idea what's going on. She meets her friend John and tells him about the problem. He asks to take a look. After a minute of watching under her skirt he says: ""Well, I'm not a doctor but it seems that you've got your dick ripped off.""" +7595,3,I hosted an Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting Nobody came +7596,3,"Math, for me, is like sex... I love it when I get it." +7597,1,"Mom the mean kids at school are bullying me, they are calling me hairy. Mom: MARIO THE DOG IS TALKING AGAIN" +7598,2,"How my husband and I terrified a cab driver My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. ""Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."" The silence in the taxi was deafening..... Edit: As many of you guys have realized, I did not come up with this. It was shown to me by a friend, and I thought it was hilarious, so I posted it. I even posted it in a self post so I wouldn't get any karma for it. It would've been pretty simple to put it on an image and post it that way. " +7599,1,Who reads the fastest? ..... A suicide jumper.... Because he can finish 88 stories in 2 seconds flat. +7600,1,"A guy gets in a horrible car crash. He wakes up two weeks later with his arm all bandaged up, The doctor is notified that he is awake and comes to the room to see how he's doing. When the doctor gets to the room the man is very concerned about his wrapped up arms and asks the doctor how much damage was done? Don't you worry foe a second about your arms and hands, we are the best surgeons in the state and I promise you that they will be better than new. Will I be able to play the piano after all this? Yes the doctor says, and with that a huge smile comes across his face. That's awesome the man says....I've always wanted to know how to play the piano." +7601,0,Why did the dog go into the church? The doors were open. +7602,0,Fear over counterfeit bills is getting ridiculous Now even strippers are validating my ones. +7603,3,"In school, everyone laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian. But no ones laughing now." +7604,3,"America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart. The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis. Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis." +7605,2,How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb? “That’s not my section.” +7606,0,"Dragons Two dragons walk into pub. The other one says ""shut your mouth.""" +7607,0,What is brown and sticky? A stick. +7608,0,"Agent: “Name, please... Agent: “Name, please?” Immigrant: “Miklos Arigopolous” Agent: “Sex?” Immigrant: “9 or 10 times a week.” Agent: “No, male or female?” Immigrant: “Both, I’m not picky.”" +7609,1,The doctor said they left my funny bone in... He didn't want you guys to suffer without my humor. +7610,0,"Three Friends and Story of their father's kick to football First Said: My Father kicked a football, it gone so much up in air that it came back in an hour. Second Said: My Father kicked a football, it gone so much up in air that it came back down in a week. Third Said: When my father kicked a football it came back on ground after a year and this text was written on this ""If your football comes on Moon again, it will not be returned""." +7611,0,What did Jesus think when he saw the success of the bible? Nailed it. +7612,0,"So i asked if she wanted to go to the annual orgy... She said no and i replied with ""so what you dont want to come?"" " +7613,1,"Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50 Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, ""I wonder why he is so cheap?"" ""Because I am defective,"" came the reply. ""I've got no legs."" A little surprised the man asked, ""Well how do you stay on your perch?"" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, ""I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it."" The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing...""Psst...come here. I need to talk to you."" ""What?"" ""It's about your wife."" ""Yeah, what about her?"" ""And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee."" ""What!"" ""Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss,"" the parrot went on. ""Holy shit...that can't be possible."" ""It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy."" ""Well,"" the man asks,""what happened next?"" ""I don't know,"" said the parrot. ""I got a hard on and fell off my perch.""" +7614,0,(WARNING VERY DIRTY JOKE) If she dosent want to swallow just tell her there are children starving in afrika +7615,2,A person who takes care of children It's a parent isn't it? +7616,2,Did you hear about the gang that smuggles viagra in their stomachs? The cops are on the look out for a group of hardened criminals. +7617,7,"A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, ""Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"" The professor replied, ""No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."" The chief was silent for a moment, then said, ""Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.""" +7618,0,"So I play a bit of Yugioh. As some of you might know, there is a card called the Dark Magician Girl. She gets stronger for each boy Dark Magician in the graveyard. If that isn't a metaphor for marriage, I don't know what is." +7619,0,Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He had the pizza before it turned cool +7620,4,The new IT guy at my company is from Australia. He comes from a LAN down under. +7621,0,What do you call a gang member with a broken leg? A cripple +7622,2,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing, she just gagged a little." +7623,0,Why did Hitler get hit by a baseball? He did nazi it coming! +7624,4,What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down? Igloos it back together. +7625,0,Want to hear a dirty joke? A horse jumped in mud. +7626,5,"A student comes to a young professor's office hours... She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. ""I would do anything to pass this exam."" She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. ""I mean..."" she whispers, ""I would do... anything."" He returns her gaze. ""Anything?"" ""Anything."" His voice softens. ""Anything??"" ""Absolutely anything."" His voice turns to a whisper. ""Would you... study?""" +7627,0,Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight? It had to many sleepless knights. +7628,2,"STRAWBERRIES, WATERMELONS, GRAPEFRUITS!!! Yells the woman pushing the fruit cart down the street. Big Jeff comes down from his loft and asks the woman, ""got any onions?"" No onions,"" she replies. On she goes down the street with her fruit cart. Next day, same thing. ""STRAWBERRIES, WATERMELONS, GRAPEFRUITS!!!"" She yells down the street. Down comes Big Jeff onces again and asks ""do you have any onions?"" ""NO onions,"" she says again and is on her way. Next day, sure enough here she comes as Big Jeff eagerly watches her push her cart. ""STRAWBERRIES, WATERMELONS, GRAPEFRUITS!!!"" Big Jeff makes his way down to her and asks very hopefully, ""got any onions?"" Enough is enough thinks the lady. ""Look here Big Jeff... What do you get if you take the straw out of strawberries?"" ""Well thats easy you just got berries then."" ""Right you are Big Jeff. And whar if you take the water out of watermelon?? And the grape from grapefruit?"" Big Jeff replies, ""just melon and fruit I suppose."" ""Indeed, indeed. And what do you get if you take the fuck out of onions?"" She asks Big Jeff thinks a second and says ""there's no fuck in onions"" The woman with the fruit cart promtly says, ""thats what I've been trying to tell you every day!!""" +7629,6,"A man and a woman are on their way to their wedding... They get into a terrible car crash and are killed instantly. They find themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says ""welcome! You have both lived good lives and are welcome into heaven!"" The man says, ""That's wonderful, but we were on our way to our wedding to be betrothed, is it possible to still get married in heaven?"" St. Peter says, ""you know, I've never been asked that before, wait here and I'll check"" St. Peter leaves and is gone for a really long time. He finally returns saying, ""Good news! You can indeed get married in heaven!"" The man replies, ""That's great news, but we were discussing while you were gone if it doesn't work out, could we we still get a divorce?"" St. Peter takes his clipboard and slams it on the podium exclaiming, ""I just spent 10 years looking for a priest, do you know how long it's going to take to find a lawyer?!?""" +7630,3,Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be Spam. +7631,0,"Don't mess with moles! Guy has a big ugly, unsightly mole just below his belly button. When girls see it they say ""Eeewwwww"" and refuse to have sex with him. He goes to a herbalist who tells him it's not a mole, but an elf nut. ""Only the elves have the special wrench that removes elf nuts, so go into the woods, to the big oak tree in the clearing, and spend a night sleeping under it. Make sure your zipper's undone and you have a sewing needle in your hand, as payment for the removal of the nut."" Guy does as he's told and next morning when he wakes up he looks, and to his amazement the elf nut has completely disappeared. Absolutely delighted, he stands up -- and his ass falls off!" +7632,1,Ubisoft giving out copies of Unity for free is so disrespectful First theirs a cathedral burning everyone needs to worry about now Ubisoft is sending dumpster fires to everyone +7633,0,"(NSFW) The gay steak boyfriend After the cute submissive gay guy got fucked by his steak boyfriend of cute love furiously, he got tired and nuzzled on the steaks hot muscular chest. ""How was that,honey?"" asked the steak in the sweetest voice possible. The guy replied... ""It. Was. WELL DONE!!""" +7634,0,what do you call time that isn't yours nacho time +7635,1,Why do police in Hong Kong like going to shopping centers? Because no matter what time they arrive or if the center is busy or not they get to beat the crowd. +7636,1,When do guys wear black condoms? When they have mourning wood. +7637,1,"There are 11 kinds of people Those who will get this joke, and be amused Those who will get this joke, but not be amused Those who won't get the joke." +7638,2,"Black people usually name their kids after stuff they can't afford. Like Mercedes, Diamond, Hope, or Insurance." +7639,1,What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out? He took the knight off. +7640,5,"Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force one Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force One (a daughter of one of his staff). He turns to her and says, 'Let's talk- I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks Trump, 'What would you like to talk about?'. 'Oh, I don't know,' says Trump, 'How about what changes I should make to “Make America Great Again”?' and smiles. ‘OK’, she says, ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first’. ‘A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’. Trump, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea'. To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?'" +7641,1,I told my hairdresser I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise... ...so they gave me 2 cushions to sit on. +7642,2,"Once upon a time... A man was driving through a rural countryside when his car got a flat. The only building within miles was a monestary. He walked up the steps, knocked on the huge wooden doors, and explained his situation to the monks. The monks were more than helpful. They sent a message to the nearest road station, though they informed him it would take a day to reach it's destination. However, they kindly offered the man a room and food for the time being. At night, while he was sleeping, the man was awoken by a sweet and mystical sound from deep within the monestary. He laid awake for some time, pondering the source of this noise. The next day, as his car was being hooked up, he asked the monks what had made the noise, but they said; ""*We cannot tell you, for you are not a monk*"" The man left the monestary, with the noise plaguing his thoughts. Eventually, it became his obsession, and he drove back to the monestary to demand to know what made that sultry noise. But the monks denied him again; ""*We cannot tell you, for you are not a monk*"" ""Then how do I become a monk?"" The monks, amazed by this man's persistence, told him he must travel the world and know the total number of grains of sand, blades of grass, and flakes of snow that exist on the earth. So the man set off on his quest. 50 years later, the man returned. ""There are 4,897,985,234,543 grains of sand, 8,534,123,758,973 blades of grass, and 976,042,026,647 flakes of snow on the earth."" The monks nodded, and lead him to a wooden door in the basement. ""*This key unlocks that door*"" one said, pointing at the wooden door. ""*Behind it is what you seek*"" The man turned the lock, opened the door, and saw another door, this one made of steel. ""Very funny, gimme the key to this door"" The monks abliged, and gave him the key. Behind the steel door was a bronze door. And behind that door was a silver door. Then a gold door, an emerald door, a platinum door, and finally, a diamond door. After finally opening the diamond door, the man gazed upon the wonder that made the noise which became his obsession. He cried for joy and and praise the almighty heavens..... But he couldn't tell you what is was, for you are not a monk." +7643,2,"A telephone company is hiring for a position digging holes for telephone poles. Two applicants, Bob and George, come forward. They both are well qualified for the position, so the hiring manager devises a competition to see who will get the job. He says ""Whoever digs the most holes with a telephone pole in it will get the job."" At the end of the day, the manager asks how many they installed. Bob says ""7."" George says ""5."" The manager says ""Sorry George, since Bob dug more holes and put telephone poles in them, I'm going to have to offer him the job."" George says, ""but thats not fair. He cheated."" The manager looks at Bob, then George, and says ""how?"" George says ""He left parts of his telephone poles sticking up!""" +7644,2,"Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie... Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop. Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?” Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. Tonto: “Buffalo come.” Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?” Tonto: *rubs the side of his face* “Sticky.” (Sorry for the format, on mobile!)" +7645,2,"There was a princess who came of age, so her parents the King and Queen called for all princes to come and court her. Day after day, each suitor came by, telling the princess what they would give her and why she should marry them. This went on for a few weeks, and the princess remained unsatisfied. Suddenly, one day, in walked a suitor. He was Prince Franz, one of the richest princes of the world. He bowed before the princess and said, ""my dearest, if thy shall marry me, I will grant thee all the finest dresses and jewellery, more sapphires and diamonds than one could imagine."" The princess was convinced, and was ready to choose Prince Franz. But suddenly, another prince entered. This was Prince Henrik, an even more rich prince. He bowed before the princess and said, ""Your Highness, if thy will marry me, I promise the greatest feasts each night, from the finest wild turkeys to the greatest bison, with the sweetest wine ever imaginable. Every taste from every corner of the world will be at thy dispense."" The princess was now convinced, and was ready to make her decision. Until a third suitor arrived. This was Prince Gustav, the richest prince in the entire world. The guards gasped in shock when he arrived. Even the King and Queen looked startled. Gustav walked right up to the princess on her throne, bowed, and said, ""I will fuck you in the ass and make you moan louder than you've ever moaned before."" Everyone stood shocked. But they became even more shocked when the princess thought about it, and chose Gustav. The Royal Family planned an elaborate wedding, inviting all the other Royal Families. It was a beautiful ceremony, which finally led to the princess and Gustav's first night together. Gustav made good on his promise, as he indeed fucked her in the ass and made her moan louder than she ever moaned before. As both of them finished, the princess turned around to see Gustav climbing out the window. ""Where are you going?"" asked the princess. Gustav turned back, chuckled and said, ""who the fuck said I was going to do anything else?""" +7646,1,"Without the Joker, there's no Batman. Without Frazier, there's no Ali. Without Russian sports, there's no Anti-Doping Agency" +7647,6,"The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry. Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time. And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots." +7648,0,What do you call a Chicago football player who has no teeth? A gummy bear +7649,1,"I hate church I hated church when I was a child, with all the standing and kneeling and sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me." +7650,2,"The Magic Dildo They say that love knows no bounds. In the case of Donkey and the Dragon, this is true. However, even though the two loved each other, Donkey quickly realized that the differences in their sizes meant that he couldn't please the Dragon with his little Pinocchio. Wanting the best for his loved one, Donkey travelled all over the land until he found a sex shop. ""I'm looking for something to please my Dragon friend with"", Donkey told the shopkeeper. ""I have just the thing"", the shopkeeper replied, smiling. ""Come with me."" Donkey followed the shopkeeper into a back room, and found himself in front of an enormous dildo, half the size of the shop. ""This is the Magic Dildo, size XXX"", the shopkeeper said proudly. ""And it's big enough for even a dragon. But it's not just big. Watch this: Magic Dildo, the wall!"" Immediately the Magic Dildo rose up and began throwing itself against the wall. The entire shop shook and threatened to collapse. ""Magic Dildo, stop!"", the shopkeeper said, and the dildo stopped. Amazed by this product, Donkey bought the Magic Dildo and brought it home to the Castle. ""Whenever your bored, use this"", Donkey told the Dragon. ""Just say 'Magic Dildo' followed by wherever you want the dildo to go."" So Donkey left for Shrek's house to give his beloved some privacy. The moment Donkey left, the Dragon used the dildo. ""Magic Dildo, my pussy!"" Immediately the dildo entered her pussy, and the Dragon let out a stream of fire in pleasure. At first, the Dragon was beyond ecstasy, but minutes turned to hours, and she couldn't get the dildo out, no matter what she said. Worried, the Dragon flew over to Shrek's house where Donkey was. Her flight was wobbly, but she made it, nearly crashing into Shrek's house. ""For the love of Pete!"", Shrek groaned, walking outside, where the Dragon was rolling on ground, eyes bulging. ""Get......Donkey....Magic Dildo......won't come out!"" Shrek guffawed in disbelief. ""Magic Dildo my ass!""" +7651,1,What is Mario's favorite Hawaiian island? Oahu! +7652,3,"What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job? ""This job isn't for everyone, but hay...it's in my jeans""" +7653,0,"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black." +7654,1,What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin? A log cabin. +7655,2,"What does Optimus Prime say when he wants a symphonic band? ""Autobots, ensemble!""" +7656,0,"What did the man who drugged his girlfriend on their get-together say to his defense ? ""She said it's sedate night""" +7657,3,"A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The mother said, ""Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."" So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The stewardess responded, ""Did your mother tell you to ask me?"" The boy admitted that this was the case. ""Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.""" +7658,0,What do you call a duck addicted to drugs? A quackhead. +7659,0,"two lovers were in the heat of passion when all of a sudden the sound of hard breaking and tire screeching was heard from outside They jump out of bed, she rushes to the bathroom to freshen up, he grabs his cloths and heads out the window. 5 minutes later there is a knock on the front door. She goes to open it while setting her dress. When she opens the door the guy she was just making love to was waiting outside. ""Honey"", says her husband. ""We're way too stressed out"" edit: added ""husband"" for clarification" +7660,0,What do farmers like about music? The beats +7661,0,What does santa give to bad boys and girls now? 35 killed and 40 wounded in an Istanbul night club. +7662,2,I told my friend a joke about John F. Kennedy It blew his mind +7663,6,Why didn't DiCaprio laugh at Oscar joke? Because he didn't get it. +7664,2,If two vegans had an argument... ... Is it still beef? +7665,0,Did you hear about the gun that was admitted to the Emergency Room at the hospital? Everyone freaked out when it was prematurely discharged +7666,0,"Fraud and mismanagement at Afghanistan’s largest bank has resulted in 900 million dollars in losses. A Pentagon official commented, “Amateurs!”" +7667,0,"When I was younger, I went to confession I was worried and confessed my sins, and he reassured me that everything was going to be okay. The priest told me to say my 10 hail Mary’s and all would be forgiven. I sat there with a bewildered look on my face and finally said to him: “but... my parents only taught me one...”" +7668,8,"A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, ""Hi Jim, how are you?"" The wife asks, ""How does he know you?"" Jim says, ""Oh dear, I play football with him."" Inside the Bartender Says, ""The Usual, Jim?"" Jim says to Wife, ""Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."" Next a stripper Says, ""Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, ""Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."" Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!" +7669,1,"That clown movie topping the box office is the real reason why we've been having so many hurricanes Because when IT reigns, it pours." +7670,6,I was wondering what my parents did without the internet and none of my 7 siblings could tell me +7671,1,My daughter showed me her Math homework and told me she didn't get arrays. I told her I didn't get a raise either because my boss is a cheap bastard. +7672,0,"Apple is a joke. Apple was founded on the first of April 1976, That, if you don't know, is April Fools day. I have been fooled all my life." +7673,0,"What do women and fly wire have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get." +7674,1,My parents like making dumb jokes That's why I was born +7675,0,"It all how you construct the bet ... A college professor tried to prove sexual arousal was an involuntary process. He said, ""If you can command yourself to be sexually aroused right now, to command an erection or engorged vaginal tissue, I'll give you $20! Take thirty seconds. Not enough? You want a minute? Go ahead! In all the years of teaching this class nobody has ever walked up and taken the $20."" From the back a man replied, ""Maybe because we're so hard if we stood up we'd trip over the desk!""" +7676,4,If you take an Asian man and spin him around 3 times... Does he become disoriented? +7677,1,"Peter comes very drunk home late at night.. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” “No”, she replies sleepily. “I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”" +7678,1,"Someone told this joke at my grandpa's funeral... Apparently it was his favorite. A Chinese man went to eat at a breakfast house and noticed a white man flirting with the waitresses. He asks him ""How are you so good with the ladies?"" The white man replies, ""I'll show you. Just watch and learn."" The waitress comes back and the white man says while winking, ""May I have some honey, *honey*?"" She giggles and nods, turning to the Chinese man who seemed to have understood what the other man did and tried it out for himself. ""May I have some bacon, PIG?""" +7679,2,"Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. ""He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear."" ""What? He asked you to marry him?"" Marcy asked. Heather said, ""No, he said 'put your money away.'"" " +7680,0,"The ents of a forest decided to tell jokes together The Ents (from Lord Of The Rings) gathered around for some joke telling. After about a day or so, all the ents of the forest arrived. All of them prepared with their wits and bad puns. One of the ents, an older more vulgar ent, started with his joke: “What do you get when two gay trees come together to build a house?” None of the other ents knew the answer. “I don’t know really know but I’ve heard they put their logs together” he snickered. There was some laughter among the slow crowd but most didn’t get it. A somewhat younger ent came along with a pun. “What do most Ents try not to be?” Silence among the crowd. “A basic Birch, of course.” The crowd laughed a little more than the last. This continued on, joke after joke for a few days, maybe weeks. The crowd was growing restless as the jokes people had were bad puns and stuff that rhymed with “tree”. Fights started to break out in rage as ents started getting angry at each other for not telling reasonable jokes. Then out of the crowd a smaller ent emerged, a little shy at first as they were trying not to get trampled. The ent looked up at all the other older, fighting ents and said “I have a joke I want to tell.” No one really heard at first but the crowd of ents slowly calmed down and the bustle died down so they could listen. When the little ent told the joke, they all laughed with joy as it was the first real joke they had heard in days! They praised the little ent and raised him up! I myself was there, though I cannot recall the joke, all I can say is..." +7681,0,"The Perfect Man Dan Dan did everything perfectly: He always dressed perfectly, he knew what to say and when to say it, he had the perfect life and always scored perfect on any tests and exams. He was the perfect man, perfectly handsome, funny, and also perfectly modest. His friend said ""Dan you're perfect!"" Dan modestly replied ""No I'm not perfect"" ""In what way are you not perfect?"" His friend asked Dan said ""Once in 1992 I thought I was wrong but infact I was right.""" +7682,0,You know how Jesus can turn water into wine His skeleton can turn water into Pumpkin Spice Latte +7683,2,What do you call a dinosaur that's in a hurry? A Prontosaur. +7684,0,"Of all the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the meanest... ... because his arms were too short to reach his wiener. ​ \\- Jeff Foxworthy" +7685,0,What do you do when you get eaten by a megaldon? You should run around in circles until you get pooped out +7686,2,"How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti? Pasta pasta, pasta." +7687,1,I forgot the joke about the Jonestown Massacre. All I remember is that the punchline killed +7688,2,You can never trust someone from Chernobyl. Most of them are two-faced. +7689,2,I hate Russian dolls.... They are so full of themselves!!!!! +7690,0,"The clap So a guy and a gal meet at a bar, have a few drinks and hit it off. They decide to go back to her place and the start getting intimate. He starts fondling her downstairs with one finger and she says ""use three"" so he does. Then she says ""use four"" and then ""use five"" both which he does. Next she says ""stick your hand in"" and he does. She tells next ""stick both hands in and clap"". He replies ""I can't"", to which she replies ""tight ain't it?""" +7691,1,So in school we learned about how you don't give tea to people who don't want tea or are unable to drink it and tea stood in for sex So what the hell was the Boston Tea Party? +7692,0,And now... Time for a classic Finnish joke Do you want to hear a joke? A king ate a chip. +7693,0,Why did the water stream at Niagara Falls start going upwards towards the sky instead of to the ground? Because Niagara took Viagra. +7694,0,"A Trump supporter, a lesbian, an athiest, and an Italian all walk into a bar. They all got along like normal human beings. /r/antijokes " +7695,7,"President Trump is sleeping one night President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep. He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. ""Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears. Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. ""Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theater more.'" +7696,2,"20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush. 20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush. So if anyone knows another way to get the dirt out from my sneakers, I'm all ears." +7697,0,"A guy goes to a rock concert So a guy goes to a rock festival, where he meets his lads. Everything runs according to plan, until the first show begins, when the man pulls out of his backpack a long eerie-lookin instrument. ""What is that my dude?"" Asked his friends. ""Well, he answered, I'm not so familiar with this genre, you know."" ""And how's that help you?"" ""It's a metal detector.""" +7698,1,"What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I dunno, but the flag is a big plus. " +7699,3,"Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers. They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians. One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress. However, they disagreed on one thing. Lucy liked big parties with lots of guests, while cindy liked more intimate gathering with fewer guests. So they compromised: cindy would throw a party for only senators, and lucy would throw one for the members of the house of representatives. The parties were a hit! And every year after that, they threw excellent parties with the same arrangement. Senators would gush over cindy's private affair, while lucy threw ragers for the house. In their old age, as luck would have it, they were both on their deathbed at the same time. Lucy asked Cindy if she believed in reincarnation. ""Yes, I do in fact"" Cindy responded. Lucy proposed that on July 4th, fifteen years from then, they should meet on the capitol steps and reminisce about old time. Lucy was re-born to a wealthy family, and lived a privileged life. On July 4th of her fifteenth year, she walked up the capitol steps, where she accidentally stepped on an ant. She waited for hours for cindy, when she realized in horror that cindy must have been the ant! Lucy felt confused and horrible. Distraught, she went to the nearest buddhist temple and told the monk their about their similar lives and their careers. When she started explaining how she would throw parties for house members, and cindy for senators, the monk stopped her. ""You said she just threw parties for senators--no house members allowed?"" the monk asked. ""Yes, that is correct. Why does that explain why I was reincarnated in such a good life while cindy became a lowly bug?"" The monk answered, ""you see, only rep hosts get good karma""" +7700,1,Germans don't know what humor is... They have a word for that: fahrfromlaffen +7701,0,I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year. I don't like to interrupt her. +7702,1,"One Million Copies of a new book sold in just 2 days Due to a typing error of just 1 alphabet in title Title of Book : ""An idea can change your wife""" +7703,2,"What is the difference between a miscarriage and a miscarriage of justice? One takes away your freedom, the other gives you it back." +7704,1,A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a Tiger Wood(s). +7705,5,"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks: ""Some asshole got my pen""." +7706,0,What are a couple of Agnostics called? Diagnostic. +7707,0,"so a queer gay fag, was smoking a fag, sitting on a fagot while working on a tranny. and when he was done he put the car back together and called it a day." +7708,2,A man pushes a car to a hotel and suddenly loses all his fortune.... He stopped at the enemy’s hotel in Monopoly. +7709,3,What do you get when a piano falls down a mine shaft? A flat minor. +7710,0,A- -merica +7711,3,I smashed my keyboard and I'm so angry.. I lost ctrl +7712,2,I don’t trust my blind girlfriend.... I’m afraid she’s seeing other people +7713,2,"I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my sex life, but my wife said ""Norway!"" So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual." +7714,0,What is long and hard that I shake every morning to obtain a white substance? My shaving foam can you perv. +7715,4,I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing. +7716,2,"What religion are bears? A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”" +7717,3,Just had some trick or treaters come to my door dressed as Gloria Gaynor... At first I was afraid then I was petrified. +7718,2,What's the kid friendly term for bukkake? Baby shower +7719,3,Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page... ...please enter your 17 digit password. +7720,1,Therapist: Whats wrong? Man: I'm afraid of the vertical axis Therapist: Why? Man: *screams* +7721,3,"A hunter gets a new scope Bob gets a new scope for his rifle and goes out to test it with his buddy Jim. ""I can see for miles with this thing,"" Bob says, looking around the forest for something to shoot. He stops and focuses on something. ""You see that Jim? It's your wife. She's screwing around on you."" ""I had a feeling she was,"" says Jim. ""Why don't you test out that new scope, shoot her in the head and him in the dick."" ""No problem,"" says Bob. ""I can do that with one shot.""" +7722,2,Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact. +7723,1,"Have you heard of the Japanese Ono bird? It has legs that are five inches long, and a penis that is eight inches long. You can tell it by its distinctive cry when it comes in for a landing. ""Oh no!""" +7724,0,Legolas got a goverment job at the Department of Elf and Safety +7725,0,What is a developer's favorite sex position? Absolute +7726,1,I feel bad for all the people eating Tide pods. They haven't figured out that Cascade actionpacs taste way better. +7727,0,"TIL that traditionally cheese production follows a specific routine, but one type is made backwards Edam is fascinating. " +7728,2,"Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it... Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it." +7729,1,I was molested at fat camp but I think I was asking for it because my clothes were so tight. -Jessica Kirson +7730,3,"What kind of computer says ""hello"" when starting up? Adele" +7731,1,What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck (i'm sorry) +7732,3,"I found one of my dad's old porno videos today... Did you know, back in the 70's, they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals?" +7733,0,What do Priests and McDonald's have in common? They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns. +7734,0,How do you get a baby into a small bowl? You use a mixer How do you get it out? With tortilla chips +7735,2,"A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar, sits down, and calls the bartender over. ""I'll have a shot of whiskey with a beer back please."" The bartender brings the drinks over and the man drinks the shot, chugs the beer, and then looks into his shirt pocket. A few minutes later the man orders another round for himself, drinks the shot, chugs the beer, and looks into his shirt pocket again. This goes on for half of the evening before the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. ""Excuse me for asking Sir, but why do you keep looking inside of your pocket after you finish your drinks?"" The man smiles and replies ""I've got a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good...I'm going home! Another round please!""" +7736,0,"Tell me a joke Siri Jak:""Tell me a joke Siri"" Siri:""Just look at your girlfriends face, oh wait, you don't have one"" Jak:""Jack off Siri"" Siri:""Hahahahahaha, that is really funny. Hahahahahhaha"" Jak:""Why?"" Siri:""My Jacks are indeed out and now its time to remove your jacks too.... Jak"" " +7737,2,What did Google say to the politically incorrect employee? I can help you search for a new job. +7738,0,Minecraft was spamming me with messages So in the end I decided to block them Happy Birthday Minecraft +7739,0,"So I heard that Electronic Arts is entering the food products market... Their first entry: gazpacho. Cold tomato soup. With diced vegetables in the soup as DLC content (pay extra to obatain them from the chef). New slogan: ""*EA Borscht. Challenge every taste bud.*""" +7740,0,"She stabbed him 27 times!! Two beat cops call the police dispatcher: ""We're down in Barrio Segundo, and Carmen was mopping the floor and Pepe came through with his dirty shoes and left tracks. She went crazy and stabbed him 27 times!!!"" ""Well, do you have her in custody?"" asked the dispatcher. ""No"" they replied, ""the floor's still wet"". " +7741,0,I never want to go to the New Years Countdown ever again! I just got out of prison for Assault. I got really nervous because an Arab was next to me counting down from 10. So I punched him... +7742,1,"One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said.. One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, ""Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, ""Apple."" The teacher replied, ""No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown."" Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. ""Is it a peach?"" Billy asks. ""No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking,"" the teacher replies. ""Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard."" Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, ""A banana."" The teacher responds, ""No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking."" Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, ""Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."" ""Johnny!"" she cries, ""That's disgusting!"" ""Nope,"" answers Johnny, ""It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!""" +7743,0,Making a Good Analogy is as Hard as... As hard as... As hard as... +7744,1,What type of elf is the chillest? The high elf +7745,0,"Man walks into a bar.... Why'd he ask for a glass of water Man walks into a bar, asks the bartender ""may I have a glass of water please"" the bartender complies. Before the man gets to drink the water, the bartender pulls out a gun and aims it at his head. The man who asked for the glass of water, says ""thank you"" & walks out of the bar. Why did the man ask the bartender for a glass of water ? " +7746,0,Why did Anakin Skywalker join the dark side? Because he needed a hand. +7747,6,"A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded "" I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start""." +7748,0,"Brown spots Man:- Doctor my penis has got brown spots.. Doctor after examining him, and asks.. Are you married? Man:- No ! Doctor:- Any girlfriend/boyfriend? Man:- No, No !! Doctor:- Do you visit brothels, call girls? Man:- Never Doctor:- Masturbation? Man:- Never did it..!!! Doctor:- Its rust!!!!" +7749,0,Ever since my best friend became a mime... I haven't heard from him. +7750,0,I thought my favorite pitcher got three strikeouts Turns out KKK is just his political affiliation. +7751,3,"I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!" +7752,1,Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because it had nobody to go with. +7753,9,I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat +7754,0,"[OC I think...] A Ghost A local village in the heart of Africa got together in a community building to discuss the recent happenings around the boring area. Once everyone was caught up on the ordinary news on crops and possible rainfall, discussions turned to the recent increase in ghost sightings... Elder Ndaba took the to the stage to quickly disperse any possible claims. Elder Ndaba: ""All these stories of ghosts have made people scared, let's finally put these stories to rest! *Who*... has actually seen a ghost?"" About half the crowd gathered in the building proceed to raise their hands. Elder Ndaba: ""Haibo!"" he exclaimed. ""This is nonsense! Who gathered here today has *felt* a ghost?"" The village people whisper among themselves and only several hands go up. Elder Ndaba: ""You people are not telling the truth! But these stories will continue if we don't prove them wrong today. Who here has *made love* with a ghost?"" The villagers look puzzled and many of them begin to whisper again. However at the very back of the building old Sipho raises his hand. The crowd gasps at once and the whispering turns frantic. Elder Ndaba: ""Old Sipho?! You expect us to believe that you fucked a ghost??"" Old Sipho: ""Eish Baba! I thought you said goat!""" +7755,0,"A man named John wanted plastic surgery on his dick. He wanted it to whistle, and when he ejaculated, it would fire semen like a gun. He tells every plastic surgeon he can get an appointment with this, and he is always turned away. “A whistling and shooting penis? What the hell do you need that for?” John says, “Cannon in D.”" +7756,1,"A Guy got arrested for crashing into a wedding... The cop asked him why he did that, He said ""There was 1 guy on the left side & there was the wedding on the right side, & He could only go either way. What would you do?"" ""I Would go to the left side of course, 1 Person dying is better than 20"" ""Thats what i was going to do, But that man ran into the wedding so i went after him""" +7757,0,"If you need help locating the JFK assassination files today, just go down to your local library. They're in the back and to the left, back and to the left." +7758,1,"I was at a party and I lost my watch I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. " +7759,2,What is pain ? French bread +7760,0,"I went to a metal concert, the singer was a bit ill... Still fuckin' sick though!" +7761,0,I thought ecstacy was meant to be fun But when you add two e's to Pepe Republicans don't find it funny anymore. +7762,0,What is the best way for a pet shop to get business? Word of mouse. +7763,0,"What do you call your friends, who are hanging around in your 'house' but you are outside of your home in Australia? inmates" +7764,1,There are two types of people in this world... Those with deductive reasoning. +7765,4,If I had a dollar for every time someone said money isn't that important I'd eventually agree +7766,2,"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. In which case, there sure are a lot of amnesiacs on this subreddit." +7767,2,What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture +7768,3,What’s the difference between bucks and fawns? Your mom won’t get on her knees for five fawns +7769,0,"A Jewish guy: ""The Nazis say that France, Britain, the US, and the Soviet Union are our puppets."" Now, if only we could actually figure out how to activate their armies!" +7770,0,Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake in bed all night wondering if there really was a Dog. +7771,7,I became a proud father today.... My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now Edit: don't know how this got trending and sorry everyone for the notification because of it Second edit: credit to an audience member at a Jimmy Carr show +7772,0,How many misogynists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if I ask you. +7773,3,COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: mine +7774,2,"Everywhere I go today, it's been busy Everyone and their mother is out" +7775,2,I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind. +7776,0,"Little Johnny Little Johnny sat in the classroom staring out the window. The teacher noticed and was annoyed. She said Johnny, maybe you would like to share with the class what you find so interesting out there. Little Johnny said Teacher, you see those three ladies sitting on that park bench eating ice cream? The teacher said she did. Johnny said I noticed one of the ladies was licking the ice cream, another was sucking on the ice cream and the third was taking bites of the ice cream. Johnny asked Teacher, which one of those ladies do you think is married? The teacher blushed a little and said Well Johnny, I suppose it would be the lady sucking on the ice cream. Johnny said No, its the one with the wedding ring, but I like how ya think!" +7777,1,"An ISIS fighter I stopped at a roadblock The soldier stops him, ""Where are you heading?"" The fighter take out his knife and points in front of him and replies, ""I'll beheading that way.""" +7778,3,"The Billionaire Kid A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Stevie, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says “I wanna be a billionaire Miss” “I’ll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day!”. The teacher is shocked and is not quite sure how to deal with his bad behavior on this occasion. She decides to ignore Stevie and continue the lesson. “So Jenny. What do you want to be when you grow up?” the teacher asks. Jenny says “I just wanna be Stevie’s bitch!”" +7779,3,"What did the Buddhist say to the man at the pizza shop? ""Make me one with everything.""" +7780,5,"One morning while making breakfast a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, ""If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."" While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said ""You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."" This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, ""You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolboy and your brother."" " +7781,0,What does the proctologist sing after performing a prostate exam? Tainted glove. +7782,0,"When I first discovered how to masturbate, I thought to myself... That'll come in Handy often." +7783,5,My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. +7784,1,I had pie today. What kind of pie? 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286 208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481 117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233 786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006 606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146 951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749 567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190 702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827 785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923 542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049 951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010 003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882 353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198938095257201 065485863278865936153381827968230301952035301852968995773622599413891249721775 283479131515574857242454150695950829533116861727855889075098381754637464939319 255060400927701671139009848824012858361603563707660104710181942955596198946767 837449448255379774726847104047534646208046684259069491293313677028989152104752 162056966024058038150193511253382430035587640247496473263914199272604269922796 782354781636009341721641219924586315030286182974555706749838505494588586926995 690927210797509302955321165344987202755960236480665499119881834797753566369807 426542527862551818417574672890977772793800081647060016145249192173217214772350 141441973568548161361157352552133475741849468438523323907394143334547762416862 518983569485562099219222184272550254256887671790494601653466804988627232791786 085784383827967976681454100953883786360950680064225125205117392984896084128488 626945604241965285022210661186306744278622039194945047123713786960956364371917 287467764657573962413890865832645995813390478027590099465764078951269468398352 595709825822620522489407726719478268482601476990902640136394437455305068203496 252451749399651431429809190659250937221696461515709858387410597885959772975498 930161753928468138268683868942774155991855925245953959431049972524680845987273 644695848653836736222626099124608051243884390451244136549762780797715691435997 700129616089441694868555848406353422072225828488648158456028506016842739452267 467678895252138522549954666727823986456596116354886230577456498035593634568174 324112515076069479451096596094025228879710893145669136867228748940560101503308 617928680920874760917824938589009714909675985261365549781893129784821682998948 722658804857564014270477555132379641451523746234364542858444795265867821051141 354735739523113427166102135969536231442952484937187110145765403590279934403742 007310578539062198387447808478489683321445713868751943506430218 +7785,2,What do good jokes and beautiful women have in common? I don't get either of them. +7786,2,Why blind people hates skydiving? It scares the crap out of their dogs +7787,0,What is an easy way to count a big group of people? Just count the legs and divide by two. +7788,0,"I cloned myself, took him to dinner, and then spent a relaxing evening playing Pac-Man, my favorite game from my childhood. I'm dating myself." +7789,3,Everyone is self centred. But it's the radius that counts. +7790,0,What did Damian Lillard say after hitting the buzzer beater? Okc you guys later mate. +7791,0,What do you call a tweeter who tweets at 3am? Trump's twat he won't delete. +7792,2,"A Gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, ""What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink."" So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, ""Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."" So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. ""You know,"" he says to the gorilla, ""we don't get too many gorillas in here."" And the gorilla says, ""Don't lie, I'm the third one in last 6 months.""" +7793,1,You should always have a pet to make you feel safe... Just the other night my wife woke me tell me heard glass breaking and footsteps downstairs. She calmed down when I told it was probably just the fish. +7794,6,"I said to a fat girl today... I said to a fat girl today, ""You're a big girl!"" She replied, ""Tell me something I don't know."" I said, ""Salad tastes nice"" " +7795,4,What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? Coach. +7796,3,"Why do they have to specify that it's a ""man's dress"" or a ""man's skirt""? To let everyone know it has real pockets." +7797,0,"Knock, knock Who's there? 9-11 9-11 who? YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET!" +7798,0,What do you call a really long queue in videogames? a queueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueueue +7799,0,"My mother asked me to open YouTube for her. However, I opened YouPorn by mistake. I still can't look into her eye. Can't watch porn and look into her eye at the same time." +7800,1,"Stevie wonder may be a great musician, But he is a terrible dad.. He never sees his kids." +7801,1,What do you call a sad fruit dog? Melancholy +7802,1,What is white and disturbes your dinner? An avalanche. +7803,1,Hey man! Did you take a look at that joke I posted on r/Jokes Yeah man I reddit.. +7804,2,They say 88% of people can’t do maths. That means the other 14% can. +7805,0,"Sandpaper Sally A desperate loser named Jim goes into a whorehouse to get laid. He hasn't had sex in almost a month and will fuck anyone. He meets a girl named Sandpaper Sally, and decides to sleep with her because she looked the most attractive and cost the least. At $20/hour he realized he couldn't go wrong. Well, it turns out that he made a mistake. He was only able to have sex with her for about five minutes before his penis began to hurt. ""Ouch!"" he retorted while rubbing his penis, ""Now i know why they call you Sandpaper Sally!"" Sally scoots out of the room and Jim rubs some cream on his penis to make it stop hurting. Sally comes back and they have sex once again. This time, nothing went wrong and Jim was surprised. ""What the hell?"" Jim asked her, ""this was the best sex I ever had! What happened!?"" which prompted Sally to smirk. ""Well, that's simple,"" she said, ""I just picked off my scabs.""" +7806,1,My boss said to me... 'Why do you break out in a rash every time I give you your pay check?' Me: 'I'm allergic to peanuts!' +7807,2,"I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner: It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though." +7808,2,Who's the coolest doctor in the office? The hip consultant. +7809,0,"Job vacancy at Ikea Today I went for an interview at Ikea. The vacancy was to design product names for new ranges of goods. To impress them I went prepared with a list of names I invented, like Blogkrapp, Sintromp, Wuxklog, and Blurtrid. I didn't get the job. The interviewer said that all those names were already in use." +7810,2,"An army training site and a mental asylum shared a fence.. One morning a doctor was walking in the yard of the asylum and noticed a patient who was playing with two buckets. One was filled with water and the other had holes in its bottom, so when he lowered her into the first one it made bubbling sounds. The doctor got curious and asked the patient ""What is this?"". ""It's a bubblenator!"" excitedly answered the patient. The doctor got angry that the patient was still this dumb and threw the buckets over the fence. Later that day a drill sergeant was inspecting the perimeter around the fence, as he stumbled on the pair of buckets. Angrily he took the buckets and brought them in front of his soldiers: ""WHO THE HELL THREW OUT THIS PERFECTLY FINE BUBBLENATOR?!?""" +7811,5,I doubt vodka has all the answers But it's worth a shot. +7812,1,Why did O.J. Simpson want to flee to Alabama? Everybody there shares the same DNA. (Mandatory ba dum tss). +7813,0,"A pregnant lady and two of her friends are having a discussion. First friend : I was reading Tale Of Two Cities by Dickens and coincidently I had twins. Second Friend : I have had a similar experience but I was reading three musketeers and had triplets!! Hearing all these, Pregnant lady was freaking out and was clearing having a panic attack. Her friends tried to calm her down. After the attack had passed, pregnant lady just uttered.. 100 Years Of Solitude." +7814,1,What do you call a grateful salamander? Thanxolotl What do you call an ungrateful salamander? *Thanx*o*lot*l What do you call a slightly grateful salamander? Thanxolitl +7815,0,What would a character from the Star Wars universe shout before a suicide bombing? ADMIRAL ACKBAR! +7816,1,"I Was Teaching Some 4-Year Olds at Church Today... I asked them,""What do you need to do to get to heaven?"" One of the kids promptly replied,""Die!""" +7817,5,Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants. He could have called it Billie Jeans. Those prices are THRILLER! No one can BEAT IT! Kids pants would be half off there. +7818,0,I Played with a Jewish man on Csgo He saved every round +7819,4,Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet? Dude 2: I d’know Dude 1: Mickey Mouse Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet? Dude 2: Donald Duck :) Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron Don’t know if this is funny I found it so Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it. +7820,5,Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor +7821,0,"Teacher: What time is it? Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine? Teacher: Nope. Students: About nine o'clock? Teacher: No. Students: What then? Teacher: It's time to go home." +7822,1,"If Moonlight is Best Picture, what is La La Land? The Fools Who Dream" +7823,4,Hindus and vegans must be great friends they never have beef +7824,0,"To trace my ancestry in the most accurate way possible, my doctor asked for samples of my blood, urine, semen, and poop... So I just left him my underwear." +7825,1,"You know, those inconvenient people that like to invite themselves to your house must really have a bad sexual performance Because they keep coming without notice" +7826,1,How do you make a Canadian apologize? Step on his toe. +7827,1,"Woman at a party A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, ""Hello. My name is Carmen."" ""That's a beautiful name,"" he replied. ""Is it a family name?"" ""No,"" she replied. ""As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."" ""What's your name?"" she asked. He answered ""B.J. Titsengolf.""" +7828,0,Don't trust an Atom They make up everything. +7829,1,I don't understand why people don't eat the crust. It's just another part of the food. I think it tastes amazing just like the rest of the watermelon. +7830,0,"America used to have Reagan, George Carlin & JFK, MLK, kids could get interested in Malcolm X or remember WW2 and feel pride in the USA, plus Jesse Owens, Jim Brown, Johnny Carson & Elvis Presley, Mark Twain,Howard Hughes, and still there was Bob Hope, Steve Jobs and even Stevie Wonder. But now ... they’ve got Trump, Louis CK, Bill Cosby, kids are interested in their Penthouse X or WWE and the only other thing they’ll give a damn about is the UFC, and so there’s OJ Simpson, Michael Vick, Carson Kresley, Mark Foley, Howard Stern, no Hope, really fuck all Jobs any longer .. which for most folk is no motherfuckin’ Wonder either" +7831,4,No more gay jokes. Cum on guys. +7832,2,"What's the difference between gray and grey? One is a color, the other is a colour." +7833,0,My cousin who lives in Australia was hospitalized yesterday. Turns out he fell up from staircase. +7834,2,"Prince Andrew I'm so sad, I've just heard the news: ’Prince Andrew’s fatal car crash accident in Paris tunnel’... Next month." +7835,4,A prostitute told me she would do anything for 50 bucks I'm getting my house painted +7836,3,I was diagnosed with colour blindness yesterday. The news came out of the purple. +7837,3,"A blonde is looking to make some extra cash She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do She goes up the huge porch and knocks on the front door, when her neighbor answered the door she explained her situation and asks him if he had any odd jobs around the house for her to do, Even though her neighbor was rich he was also really cheap so he figures since she was a blonde he could trick her into doing a really large job for next to nothing He tells her that if she'd be willing to paint his porch he would give her $10, to which the blonde happily agrees, The two shake hands and he tells her that all the painting supplies are in the garage, then tells her that she won't get paid unless she does the entire porch, to which she says she understands and goes to the garage The man walks back inside and goes up to his wife and says ""you're never going to believe this"" I just convinced that stupid blonde next door to paint the entire porch for $10, Ten dollars! The wife exclaims that's so cheap, she does realize that the porch goes all the way around the house right? She should says the man she was standing right on it, she may be blonde but I doubt she's stupid enough not to have noticed, 15 minutes later the blonde goes back to the front door and rings the bell All finished she says with a smile on her face, ""Finished!"" the man says in disbelief The entire porch? , ""The Entire porch"" the blonde says I even had some paint left over so I gave it a second coat, the man is shocked and says ""wow you are full of surprises, here you've more than earned this $10"" , the blonde takes the money and starts to leave before she goes she turns back to the man and says ""oh by the way, it's not a porch it's a Lexus""" +7838,2,Did you hear Monica Lewinsky became a republican? The democrats just left a bad taste in her mouth +7839,0,How do you know if someone is vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you. +7840,9,"TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once. Whoops, wrong sub." +7841,1,Botox turns 17 this year Don’t look surprised +7842,7,"Dr: ""Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."" Husband: ""I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."" Dr: ""She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag.""" +7843,0,Guy told me he's addicted to dressing up in costumes. Told him he should Halloween himself off slowly so he doesn't get witchdrawals. +7844,3,A Muslim enters the United States Oh sorry thought it was still 2016. +7845,2,"A teacher walks into a class with a bag full of fruit The teacher then says, ""Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red."" Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, ""Apple."" The teacher replied, ""No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown."" Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. ""Is it a peach?"" Billy asks. ""No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking,"" the teacher replies. ""Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard."" Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, ""A banana."" The teacher responds, ""No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking."" Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, ""Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."" ""Johnny!"" she cries, ""That's disgusting!"" ""Nope,"" answers Johnny, ""It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"" EDIT: I accidentally put the wrong flair. Sorry about that :(" +7846,1,It's time to make like a baby... And head out. *leaves +7847,0,What's brown and sticky? A stick +7848,8,"I met a pretty girl. Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box." +7849,9,I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine... The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had. +7850,0,Which rock group has four men that can't sing? Nickelback +7851,3,"A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday. She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet: -Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so expensive? Is there something special about her? -Yes ma'am. At first glance you won't know it, but this is a specially trained frog, that can give the best blow jobs in the world. -Ok. I think I'll take it as a present. -Great choice, you won't regret a thing. She arrives home and leaves the package on top of the table with a note, so the husband can read it when he arrives from work. In the middle of the night she hears some weird noises coming out of the kitchen. Armed with a bat she approaches the kitchen, and she finds the husband reading a cooking book with the frog sitting on his leg. To which she says: -Can you please tell me what the fuck are you doing at 3.30 in the morning reading a cooking book with the frog? To which he replays: -If I can make this frog cook, I want the divorce. " +7852,0,"I'm going to reinvent the burger Since I own the means of production at this point, I'll name it the bourger. The bourgoise can't get enough of themselves anyway." +7853,0,Did you hear about the thing that happened to a person? There was an unexpected conclusion! +7854,0,I once met a dinosaur who was also a sorceress... She put me in a tyrannosaurus hex. +7855,3,"What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs? It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come" +7856,6,"I called my wife at work and asked, ""Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"" Sounding concerned, she said, ""No."" I responded, ""How about now?""" +7857,0,Why is there so much toilet paper in the U.S. Capitol building? Because there are a lot of assholes +7858,0,"boy: You remind me of the 20 letters of the alphabet. girl: But there's 26 letters. boy: Silly me, how could I forget the U R A Q T girl: That's 25 you are still missing one. boy: I'll show you the D later." +7859,2,What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race +7860,0,"Did you hear about the gunman who's been holding 50 people hostage at Taco Bell for the past week? The longer it goes on, the deeper the shit he’s going to be in." +7861,1,What's the difference between traffic and strawberries? You can eat strawberry jam. +7862,0,Why should you never go to a German restaurant in Britain? The food would be too hot to Handel. +7863,2,I recently had anal sex with my girlfriend. It made my whole week but it made her hole weak. +7864,2,"Superman walks into the Superhero Bar and sits down next to Batman and orders a drink. Batman asks how his day was and Superman says ""I was flying along checking things out when I looked down and saw Wonder Woman writhing on the beach nude. I couldn't help myself so I swooped down and started laying super pipe."" Batman says ""I bet that surprised her."" Superman says ""Nah, but it shocked the hell out of the Invisible Man""." +7865,0,"So I was at the bar last night... And this guy down near the other end eating peanuts starts choking. The waitress starts freaking out and yells, ""Does anyone know CPR?"" So I piped up and yelled, ""Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"" Everyone laughed it was a great time. Well except for that one guy." +7866,3,My relationship with my girlfriend is complex I am real and she is imaginary +7867,10,"My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed... After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence." +7868,0,How often does it snow in Mexico? Nevar. +7869,0,How would the fruit get a job? They would get an APPLEcation! +7870,0,"So two polar bears are eating a clown, and one says to the other... Hey, this tastes kinda funny." +7871,2,"Sooooo... with Avicii gone, Can Mike Posner finally stop taking pills in Ibiza?" +7872,2,What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt. +7873,0,"Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? My boner, during my girlfriends period." +7874,0,I once went into a gender-fluid bathroom. There was cum everywhere. +7875,1,I was going to tell you a joke about procrastination. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. +7876,1,"In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean" +7877,2,"To the handicapped guy who stole my purse, you can hide but you can’t run." +7878,2,New book out on gay marriage by two Irishmen. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. +7879,5,I built an electric fence around my property yesterday… My neighbor is dead against it… +7880,2,It's mad windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere So watch out for your ex. +7881,8,"So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper... So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: ""Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"" " +7882,0,What's more effective than an islamic call to prayer? A rape whistle. +7883,0,"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story... Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out the turtle was 6 feet tall and knew karate. " +7884,2,Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference +7885,1,A magician walks down the road... and turns into a shop. +7886,0,What do you call a man with strange facial hair? A beard-o. +7887,2,I started dating a psychiatrist. Now I'm afraid of commitment. +7888,2,"A man goes to a brothel He asks the hookers in the doorway: ""Do you have a colleague with a really bad STD?"" The girls whisper a little and then say: ""Yes, we know someone: Melissa."" The guy then proceeds to walk in, but the two girls call him back with a question: ""Why do you need a hooker with a STD?"" ""Well,"" the guy says, ""tonight I'm going to have sex with my girlfriend, who has an affair with our neighbour. Then, when he has sex with his wife, she gets the STD too. Well, she has an affair with a buddy of mine and I need to teach that fucker a lesson 'cause he killed our cat.""" +7889,1,What is the egg doing with binoculars? Something egg-sighting +7890,4,"Three engineers are discussing what sort of god designed the human body. The first says ""god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"" The second says ""nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"" The third says ""both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?""" +7891,1,Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish. I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair. +7892,3,What happened to Beethoven's body after he died? It decomposed +7893,0,"What's a pirates favourite letter Many people think it's ""rrrr"" but a pirates first true love is the ""C""" +7894,0,"What did the Japanese chef philosophize about? O tempura, o mores!" +7895,3,Don't be ashamed of what you are. That's your parents' job. +7896,0,I really like circumcision jokes. They're a cut above the rest +7897,2,What did the the Jamaican daddy spice say to his son when he was being bad? Your a cinnamon +7898,7,I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. +7899,0,A shave so good it feels like magic! The new Penn Gillette razor. +7900,0,Batman was tired of having to buy crappy expensive razors from the local store so he left his job and started the simplest company ever. Arkham’s Razors. +7901,0,My wife told me to stop listening to Wonderwall with the volume all the way up And I said MAYYYBEEEE +7902,1,When does a kid start to appreciate dad jokes? When they become apparent! +7903,0,"Things were getting hot and heavy with my girlfriend She said ""take off my shirt."" I replied ""this shirt isn't your shirt.""" +7904,2,What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods has a good driver +7905,0,Where do angry mailmen work? At the pissed office. +7906,0,I used to run a prison for old car parts. The rear fender rates were exceptional. +7907,0,You’re so ugly Even my mom won’t fuck you. +7908,4,"14...14...14 I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside shouting ,'14....14....14' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '15....15....15'..." +7909,2,"A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks the bartender, ""Hey, what's going on here?"" The bartender replies, ""Well, if you can jump in the air and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. But if you miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the next hour. What do you think? You want to try it?"" ""No thanks,"" says the guy. ""The steaks are too high.""" +7910,2,Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost? I was told they're always 2 for a Buck. +7911,3,"A famous porn star died.. At the funeral, everyone came." +7912,2,Police Inspector........ Police Inspector: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife. Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now? Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it! +7913,1,They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii The Nukeulele +7914,6,"A man walks in through the front door after work and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. ""Woah woah woah...what gives?!?"" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. ""I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!"" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. ""That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!"" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. ""Jesus what did I do this time?!?"" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. ""The HORSE called!"" " +7915,1,"My Memory is like a Goldfish. Like a Goldfish, all my memories start with water in front of my eyes. Just some aqueous humor for you guys. " +7916,0,"I saw a book called pizza When going to the information desk I asked if the store sells partial books. “No, why?” They asked. My reasoning was I wanted to buy a slice of pizza, but not the whole pie." +7917,2,"I would not have believed that even after almost 15 years of the show ending, people would still make “Friends” references. No one ever told me life was gonna be this way." +7918,0,"What's the noisiest place in the Philippines? The toilet, it's always full of Pee noise." +7919,2,Eskimo prostitutes. Are they considered snow blowers? +7920,5,You don't need a parachute to go skydiving You need a parachute to go skydiving twice +7921,0,People who've lost a baby need to grow up Their child wont +7922,1,"What did Shakespeare say to Nelly Furtado? I'm, like, a Bard." +7923,1,"A math professor was flirting with his girlfriend Girlfriend: ""Oh your mean!"" Professor:"" No, I'm the median""" +7924,0,North Korea launches ballistic missile Oops. Bad sub. +7925,2,If Donald Trump had sex with a White House intern would they call him Bill of rights? +7926,4,"A triumph of the European Commission The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ""Euro-English"". In the first year, ""s"" will replace the soft ""c"". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ""c"" will be dropped in favour of ""k"". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ""ph"" will be replaced with ""f"". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ""e"" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ""th"" with ""z"" and ""w"" with ""v"". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ""o"" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ""ou"" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas." +7927,10,"A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. ""Am I in heaven?"" asks the disoriented priest. ""No"" says one of the nurses. ""We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward""." +7928,2,How did the mathematician solve his problem of constipation? He worked it out with a pencil... ...a #2 pencil. +7929,3,"I bought some shoes frome a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!" +7930,0,Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because it is shellfish. +7931,3,"A shitty knock-knock joke my dad just told me Dad: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Dad: Broken pencil Me: ""Broken pencil"" who? Dad: ..........Never mind, it's pointless." +7932,2,A farmer walks into a bar A farmer walks into a bar with his horse and says “I will pay anyone who makes my horse laugh $500” a man takes the bet and walks the horse into the bathroom and when they come out the horse is laughing hysterically. The farmer is in disbelief and bets the man double or nothing if he can make the horse cry. The man takes the bet and goes back into the bathroom with the horse. When they come out the horse is crying. The farmer reluctantly pays up and asks the man how he did it. The man responds “First I told the horse my penis was bigger than his... then I showed it to him. +7933,7,What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre +7934,1,I once met a mad scientist... ...I guess you could say he was experi-mental +7935,1,Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women likes it 20% off. +7936,5,"The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not. The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: ""Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?"" The rabbit´answers, ""Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."" The hamster then asks the fox: ""Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?"" The Fox: ""Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead."" Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, ""No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket."" When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: ""I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?"" The bear: ""No, of course not!"" The lion then says, ""Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket."" The bear answers: ""Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID."" Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. ""And here's a picture of the hamster.""" +7937,0,What musical instrument does the president play? The trumpet +7938,1,"i' ve just bought an house in France, southern coast. It' s very Nice. " +7939,1,Why did the Mexican guy order whiskey without rocks? He hated ICE +7940,0,What do you call a school bus full of white people A twinkie +7941,4,"Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: ""Windows frozen, won't open."" Husband texts back: ""Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."" Wife texts back 10 minutes later: ""Computer really messed up now.""" +7942,2,Hitlers suicide A man is sitting next to his jewish wife and decided to tell a joke: Man: why did Hitler kill himself? Woman: I don't know. Why did he? Man: He saw the gas bill! Woman: agh that is so insensitive. Man: I know...My grand father died in the Holocaust. Woman: awww that's so sad. Man: yeah. He fell off the guard tower +7943,0,What do you call a woman who destroys everything when she blows? Miss O +7944,0,What do you call a girl without boobs? Justin Bieber +7945,0,-What do you think about Sims 4? -Sims good... +7946,2,"On a blind date *a few minutes into the date* Girl: Hey have you seen the new season of Top Chef? Guy: No, I'm blind." +7947,0,Whats the resemblance between a squirrel and a piano Both can climb trees... But the piano +7948,1,This from my 8 year old grandson this morning What do you call a seagull that lives in a Bay. A Bay-gull. +7949,2,"A cow walks into a bar... The bartender says ""get the fuck out of here Karen!""" +7950,0,"Lori Loughlin who played on Full House was charged with college admissions fraud She played aunt Becky Full House back in the late eighties, early nineties. She resumed the role when they rebooted the show and named it Fuller House. Netflix decided a few month ago, to cancel the show after season five. However they are planning to produce a show starring Lori Loughlin and calling it: Big House." +7951,4,"Man walks into a restaurant with an Ostrich...[Long] A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ""Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"" Says the man, ""Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."" The waitress said ""That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' ""That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there"" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, ""But, what's that ostrich all about?"" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, ""My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say""." +7952,1,"An Amish Tale An Amish woman is trotting along in her horse and buggy when a police officer pulls her over. He says, ""Ma'am, I'm not going to order you a citation but I am going to issue you a warning. Your reflector in the back is just about to fall off and it needs to be replaced."" The woman says, ""I will have my husband Jacob tend to it. He can fix it in two minutes."" ""Fine,"" the officer replies. ""One other thing. I don't like the way one of the reins is positioned around your horse's back and how it loops around one of his testicles. That's considered animal abuse or cruelty to animals as we sometimes call it. Have him fix that too."" So the woman goes home and tells her husband about her encounter with the police officer. She tells him about the relector and the husband says ""No problem, I can fix that this evening. Anything else?"" The woman says, ""Yes. He also said something about the emergency brake.""" +7953,1,"Merkel, Putin and Trump have a meeting behind closed doors at Merkel’s offices in Hamburg by the Sea When they’re done discussing politics, Trump makes a small quip to break the ice “Did you know that back during WWII, we had the best submarines, the best submarines; we had em. These guys; true american heroes, real patriots, were able to stay underwater for 65 days... 65 days. No support from the outside; true american heroes” Puting chuckles and says “But Donald, 65 days? We have sailors who can survive off vodka and potatoes for far more than that at sea. Our submarines during WWII could last at least 6 months without even coming up for air.” Angela Merkel is mildly annoyed by the pissing contest the two heads of state have gotten themselves in, but decides to let them in on a little secret. She asks them to come in closer. But just as she is about to speak, a loud commotion is heard just outside of the office. The sea is frothing and out of nowhere, a large submarine emerges. The hatch pops open and a sternly dressed man with blond hair and strong features peeks his head out and extends his right arm. “Heil Hitler, wir brauchen Diesel”" +7954,2,"Took one of those annoying cold calls at dinner. ""Have you had an accident in the last 5 years..."" Yes. And we called her Amy." +7955,1,"One day, a man was walking down the beach When he suddenly sees women gathering around a another man, flirting and smiling. Once they had all left, he asked the man what his secret was. The man replied, “Now I don’t usually tell anyone this, but I always put a potato in my swimsuit.” He then walks off as well. The following day, he proceeded to purchase the largest potato he could find, placing it inside his swimming trunks, and hit the beach. However, to his shock, everyone, male and female, was avoiding him. In fact, as he passed, they laughed historically. He later saw the other man, and asked him, “What am I doing wrong, everyone seems to avoid me instead.” The second man replies, “You’re supposed to put the potato in front.”" +7956,0,Why don't we see more midget actors? I guess you can say that they are in short supply these days. +7957,2,After sex I always get out my phone and order my wife a dozen roses. My girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious. +7958,0,"Dad: Why is all the toilet paper in YOUR bathroom? You’re supposed to put more where there are more people using it. This isn’t a communist household where everyone gets the same amount to begin with. Me: Look, dad. I have my own system for Putin away the toilet paper." +7959,2,What do you call an imaginary ocean filled with soda? A fantasy Fanta sea +7960,0,"What did the power ranger say when he was admitted to the hospital? ""It's morphine time!""" +7961,3,"I don’t often tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs" +7962,1,Why is it OK for an ice company to commit fraud? Because their assets are already frozen. +7963,0,"So a girl moved into the abandoned house across the street from me... I am leaving to work when I see a girl moving into a house across the street from my mine. She is very attractive like 7 out of town. I ask her if she needs any help moving in, and she says no her boyfriend is coming over to help. A little disappointed I drive away and go run some errands. I get back that night and I see her sitting on her porch with all of her boxes in her driveway and I ask again if she needs any help and she says yes that her boyfriend bailed and the two of them broke up. I help her move in, then we go to dinner, and watch a movie. I am excited because I hope something will happen between us. Nothing ends up happening, but she does become my best friend. Fast forward a few months and theres this beautiful girl moving into the house down the street from me. When I say beautiful I mean BEAUTIFUL definitely a 9/10. I ask her if she needs any help, she says yes and I help her move in and then we go to dinner. We started dating a week later. As time goes by I start to realize my best friend and my girl friend don’t get along. So one day, I decide the three of us should go to dinner so they can get to know each other better. I call both of them and neither of them answer. I go to their houses and noone is there. After both of them being gone for a couple days I file missing person’s report. After three months I get called to the police station. They informed me that they found both of them. Apparently my best friend had been jealous of my girlfriend and had kidnapped her, taken her to a warehouse and killed her. For the past three months she has been eating my girlfriend so when the SWAT team burst into the warehouse they found my best friend eating my girlfriend. While being told this, I realized something. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine." +7964,0,The Bluetooth receptor in my earphones are broken It was suffering in dispair +7965,10,"What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company? 3Musketeers " +7966,3,"On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach. You can’t imagine how far the Kenyans would walk." +7967,0,I don't know why doctors come around me when I say my water just broke I just always get the flimsy water bottles with cheap plastic. +7968,6,I watched my first porno film last week.... I looked so much younger then. +7969,1,"Whats the worst thing the teacher can say during sex ed? ""lets have a demonstration""" +7970,3,I always have a box of tissues near my computer... I cum prepared. +7971,0,What do you for an elephant with diarrhea? Give him lots of room. +7972,0,"The contradiction One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys. If you don't think this lie is true, ask the blind man cause he saw it too." +7973,1,"Everyone keeps telling me... Everyone keeps telling me ""There are plenty of fish in the sea"" and I keep telling them ""NO way in hell, I am gonna fuck a fish""" +7974,0,Who celebrated his Bar Mitzvah in the Old West? Billy the Yid. +7975,0,What does a drug dealing tailor do? Mind altering. +7976,6,"My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide. They used to, but the decent ones were never returned. " +7977,3,How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool! +7978,3,What do you do if you're both hungry and horny? Break the cucumber in half. +7979,6,"Elon Musk: Did you move my car? Team: Yeah. Elon: Into the parking space, like I asked? Team: Parking!?" +7980,1,"How many A.D.D. Kids does it take to— Oooh look, a butterfly!" +7981,0,Dark humor is like food Not everyone gets it. +7982,5,"I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was. ""I cum in peas"".." +7983,2,What is Donald Trump's favourite drink? A white Russian. +7984,2,Why were the letters a-y banned? They were all nazis +7985,1,What do you call a ring with no multiplicative identitiy? A rng. +7986,0,What do you call an Iranian living in England? A Ukrainian +7987,0,Samsung announces they will sell refurbished Note 7's New name: Galaxy 451 +7988,6,"You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead." +7989,1,"A man enters a bar only for Asians... The bouncer asks ""What kind of Asian are you?"" The man answers ""I am Caucasian""" +7990,2,A lesbian would always lose in a fight against Dwayne Johnson Rock beats scissors +7991,0,"Yo momma is so fat......... Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, ""We are family, even though you're fatter than me.""" +7992,1,"What's the difference between stabbing a man and killing a pig? One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt. " +7993,2,"Screwing in a lightbulb How many Zombies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they wouldn't fit and zombies don't screw.   How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Thirty-one. One to hold the bulb and 30 to drink until the room spins!   How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because the bulb already contains the seeds of revolution.   Why did the hipster burn his hand? He tried to change the bulb before it was cool." +7994,2,My boss went to a wedding. She said it was all very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers. +7995,2,"All those transgender ""males"" offended by my quotations.... Really need to grow a pair." +7996,0,Interesting fact about Fight Club Your text post (optional) +7997,3,A snail thought taking off his shell would make him faster... But it just made him more *sluggish* +7998,4,So I saw a black man running with a TV. Horrified I thought it was mine. But upon arrival home I saw mine was in its right place. Polishing my shoes. +7999,4,"My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction. So I packed all my bags and right!" +8000,1,How many mexicans does it take to build a house in.... Shit he's done +8001,3,"I brought some cookie dough into work today... ...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on. My boss said I was ""insensitive"" and ""fired from the crematorium""." +8002,0,My wife won't stop making jokes about my small penis She says it's just a running non-gag +8003,4,"My parents taught me well 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . ""If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."" 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. ""You better pray that will come out of the carpet."" 3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. ""If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"" 4. My father taught me LOGIC. "" Because I said so, that's why."" 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . ""If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."" 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ""Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."" 7. My father taught me IRONY. ""Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."" 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . ""Shut your mouth and eat your supper."" 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ""Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. ""You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."" 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. ""This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."" 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ""If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"" 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. ""I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."" 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . ""Stop acting like your father!"" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. ""There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."" 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. ""Just wait until we get home."" 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. ""You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. ""If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."" 19. My mother taught me ESP. ""Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"" 20. My father taught me HUMOR. ""When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."" 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . ""If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."" 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. ""You're just like your father."" 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. ""Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. ""When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 25. My father taught me about JUSTICE . ""One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !""" +8004,0,Ever hear the one about the unemployed former serviceman? It's yet another case of an English major struggling to find work +8005,3,Two nuns in an alleyway Two nuns were walking down an alleyway when a flasher jumps out. The first nun had a stroke but the second couldn't reach. +8006,2,Why does Steven Hawking only speak in one-liners? He can't do stand-up. +8007,0,what do you call a black woman how aborted 7 babies a crime fighter +8008,6,If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined. +8009,1,Perfume commercials make no sense They have no relation to the program or chanel +8010,3,What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken. +8011,1,"I am starting a new venture A food app that will help all of you reduce weight dramatically. Basically it works as follows: You order, we don't deliver!" +8012,0,"A devestating hacker was caught thanks to Capatcha. He did everything right, he spoofed his address,he even had top level information and passcodes. However capatcha with it's top tier security gave him a test ""I am not a robot, y/n"" the hacker clicked yes and failed; because, he is Mr.Robot. No spoilers please." +8013,0,"What cruel person decided to play a joke on Stevie and tell him the sky was full of ribbons? *snickers* ""Yeah of course there's ribbons, what do you think keeps clouds in place?"" *increased snickering*" +8014,2,Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts +8015,1,"Superman was flying when he saw that wonder woman was lying naked on the rooftop of a building. Superman was flying when he saw that wonder woman was lying naked on the rooftop of a building. She while lying naked was moaning and acting all aroused. Superman thought that it was a great chance to fuck wonder woman in supersonic speed and she would never find out who did it. So he went ahead with full speed. Meanwhile, Wonderwoman: What happened, why did you stop? Invisible man: I don't know, but something happened and now my asshole is bleeding and it hurts like hell." +8016,1,What do you call a cow... ...with no legs? Ground Beef ...with 3 legs? Lean Beef ...with 2 legs? Your mother +8017,0,Lawn chair? I barely mower +8018,0,What kind of eyeglasses can get you pregnant? . . . Unsafe specs. +8019,0,"Man opens a fridge and sees a rabbit... He says ""What are you doing there, rabbit?"" Rabbit replies ""This is a westinghouse, isn't it?""" +8020,0,Cardi B has a sister who’s a nutritionalist Her name is Carbi B +8021,2,Do you prefer your bagels toasted? (Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!! +8022,7,"The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty... But now it means, ""Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook"". " +8023,3,"How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce ""unionized""." +8024,2,Why can't you run through a campground? You need to RAN through a campground because it's past tents. +8025,1,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down.. A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. shaolin kung fuThe monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk." +8026,0,I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me... than a brain operation +8027,2,What's a cannibal's favorite snack? Finger foods. +8028,1,"When I was young, my dream was to manufacture cookware..... ... but it just didn't pan out." +8029,3,"An atheist, a vegan,and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. I only know this because they told everyone within two minutes." +8030,0,What do you call a Don that does all their own dirty work? A grime boss! +8031,1,"I used to be a prison guard... I used to be a prison guard and one day I asked one of the older inmates I’d gotten to know why he was in here and he said “I found my wife and my best friend in bed together, so they gave me 25 for draggin’ her out of bed and killing her” “Really? And how much did they give you for the bastard you caught in bed with her?” “Oh I didn’t do anything to him.” “Why not?” “I couldn’t blame the dog.” Sorry for formatting I’m on mobile (Credit to my Great-Uncle)" +8032,1,Why did the man walk into a well? He couldn't see that well +8033,6,"How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, ""How many women have you slept with?"" I proudly replied, ""Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake.""" +8034,4,I need to have glasses to see my family Specifically Two glasses of scotch +8035,3,What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run! She has a grenade in her mouth! +8036,2,"Statistically, if 49,765 people see this... One of them will die today." +8037,3,"A man in a cemetery sees a couple laughing over the tomb of a famous boxer A bit taken back by the inappropriateness, the man approaches the couple who point to the boxer's epitaph: ""You can stop counting, I'm not getting up"" " +8038,1,Why was lady gaga's romance so bad? There wasn't enough chemistry. (My girlfriend bet me that no one would get my joke.) +8039,0,Batman doesnt know how to invest All his money goes in vain enterprises +8040,0,What’s a blond with 2 brain cells ? Pregnant. +8041,2,"I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. ""What's wrong?"" I asked. ""It's this job man, I fucking hate it.""" +8042,7,"I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site... But when I got home, all the signs were there. " +8043,0,"a girl goes up to her Jewish dad and asks him for $20 The dad replies: ""20 dollars?! What do you need $15 dollars for anyways? OK, fine, here's your $10"" and hands her a 5." +8044,1,Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!? No! You have to weigh the frozen cons. +8045,6,Why does The Little Mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her B shells. +8046,0,"Blowing a Tranny The only time it's appropriate to say ""I blew a tranny"" in response to the question ""so what happened last night?"" is when you're at the mechanic." +8047,1,I bought a TV from a guy wearing a white outfit and a white cone mask It was a 3k tv +8048,2,"A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber... A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, ""How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck."" But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, ""Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."" The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, ""What is the formula for the area of a circle?"" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, ""Switch the limits on the integral!""" +8049,1,"Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match... When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, ""I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,"". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reporter asked how come he lost this game. ""Well, I carefully looked at the opponents face,"" he said, ""and there's no punch line""." +8050,1,"I am starting a club for middle aged women to gather and find younger men to take home and make love to in front of their husbands. I'll call it, the Coug Cucks Clan." +8051,0,"GameShow Host: If Australians live in Australia, Where do Canadians live? Contestant: **CANADIA**" +8052,6,My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right.. I’m an only child. +8053,2,They used to be called jumpolines Before your mum jumped on one back in 1973 +8054,0,Which country did Sushi originate from? Nigiri-A. +8055,4,"Robin says to Batman: - Batman, batremote to battv doesn't work! - Did you check batteries? - What are teries?" +8056,0,I painted my computer black Now it only does 3/5ths what it used to +8057,0,A funny joke is below this sentence. This sentence _______________________ A funny joke +8058,2,"It's great when battery positive terminals are marked. When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus." +8059,0,"A preacher, an astronaut, and a cowboy walk into a bar The bartender says “What is this, a joke?”" +8060,1,"An Native American boy asked his father why they name the children after the first thing the mother sees after birth. The father replies, “It’s tradition. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking In Snow?”" +8061,2,"A man comes home drunk late at night. He hears his cuckoo clock strike four a.m. Vaguely remembering he promised his wife to be home before midnight, his mind races to come up with a plan: He imitates the clock's call some more times, and his wife will be none the wiser. When he finally goes to bed, his wife doesn't say a word; no lecture, no tirade. The next morning, his wife says ""You'll have to take the clock for repairs, dear."" ""Why's that, it worked so nicely when I got home at eleven."" ""Yeah, well first the clock called four times, then seven more times, then it gave a burp, hit the wardrobe and got some serious hiccups, that's not normal for a clock.""" +8062,1,"Russian weather joke I was in Russia with my wife and the weather was a little bit weird. I insisted that it was rain, my wife insisted it was snow. We decided to ask one of the Russian Communists there. I introduced myself and he said his name was Rudolph. I then asked about the weather. And he said it was clearly rain! So I said to my wife: ""You see: Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.""" +8063,0,Music Joke Nobody could find Beethoven's teacher because he is Haydn. +8064,8,What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone +8065,2,"A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar... Bartender says, ""Is this some kind of joke?""" +8066,0,Which jewelry is hated by vegans? Egg Amulet. +8067,0,"Two fish are in a tank... the first fish says to the second... ""You man the guns, i'll drive!""" +8068,1,"Did you hear about the premature r/Jokes subreddit lurker? Came, for the punchline." +8069,2,"What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office? Not an ambulance. " +8070,2,"I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise." +8071,0,What do you call pants that you can't do yoga in? Noga pants +8072,0,"What's the worst remedy to paralysed legs? 'Eh, you'll be fine. Just walk it off.'" +8073,0,I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died Fuckin lesbian +8074,0,Why did the Scrabble player stop looking for the three missing pieces? It was a few-tile search. +8075,0,What happens when you fuck your mother? You're putting your dick where it came from. +8076,0,"Rick Astley will give you almost any pixar movie. However, he's never gonna give you Up." +8077,0,Why did the terrrorist visit the optician? He couldn’t see far. +8078,0,What does Donald Trump and his supporters have in common? His temper. +8079,2,"A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine. One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, ""Where you from, mister?"" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, ""So what do you do there in San Francisco?"" The guy answers, ""Well I'm a taxidermist."" The bubba says ""What the hell does a taxidermist do?"" The guy says, ""I mount animals."" The bubba smiles at him and says to his friends ""It's OK boys, he's one of us!"" " +8080,1,What is a Gen Z'ers favorite college? Juuliard +8081,0,Yo momma so fat... ...NASA has to calculate her into every launch. +8082,2,Many Thank you to the person who took the time to explain the word “many” to me. It means a lot! +8083,1,I got a new car for my wife... Best trade of my life!!!! +8084,1,"A Three-Legged Dog Walks Into a Bar ""I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.""" +8085,0,United Airlines invented a new scam... It's called beat and switch. +8086,4,"If Two and half men, the Big Bang theory and How I met your mother had ever done a crossover episode It would have been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men " +8087,1,"When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic, Yet when I drink ""Fanta"" No one calls me Fantastic." +8088,0,"A young boy and his grandfather are fishing. The grandfather cracks open a beer. Grandson: Can I have one of those? Grandpa: Does your dick touch your asshole? Grandson: No... Grandpa: Then you can't have a beer. The grandfather opens a can of chewing tobacco and throws a pinch behind his lip. Grandson: Can I have some of that? Grandpa: Does your dick touch your asshole? Grandson: No.... Grandpa: Then you can't have chew. Disappointed, the grandson opens a container of chocolate chip cookies and begins to enjoy one. Grandpa: Hey, can I have one of those? Grandson: Does your dick touch your asshole? Grandpa: As a matter of fact, it does. Grandson: Then go fuck yourself, grandma made me these cookies." +8089,8,"My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline? It was my mom, then my sister, then me" +8090,3,"How many men have you slept with? A jealous husband asks his wife. ""Only you,"" she replies. ""Good."" ""All the others were awake.""" +8091,2,"Whenever I have sex, i feel like a superhero Mostly because I'm wearing a mask" +8092,2,I hate when people ask me what my life will be like in 2 years I don’t have 2020 vision +8093,0,How do you keep intruders out of a castle made of cheese. A moatzarella +8094,1,"Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin are hanging out Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down. ""Taking notes?"", Roosevelt asks. ""No,"" Churchill says, ""I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."" ""How funny,"" Stalin says. ""I collect all jokes about myself too."" ""Oh, really?"" Churchill says. ""So how many have you got?"" ""Three prison camps so far.""" +8095,4,What did the Nazi boot say to the other Nazi boot? “We must kill all the shoes.” +8096,2,"A logician was asked if his child was a boy or a girl. He replied, ""Yes.""" +8097,0,"Al Lubel: Night Panic I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: 'What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?'" +8098,1,Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field. +8099,7,"A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything under one roof"" store looking for a job. The Manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The young guy says ""Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."" Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. ""How many customers bought something from you today?"" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, ""One"". The boss says ""Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."" The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), ""So, how much was your one sale for?"" The kid looks up at his boss and says ""$124,548.88"". The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"" The kid says, ""Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."" The boss said ""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"" The kid said ""No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing. " +8100,0,"I should have known my attempts to discretely rearrange my testicles in public would give me an erection... After all, if you mess with the balls, you get the horn!" +8101,1,"I heard they are going to remake that movie ""127 Hours"" and cast Dwayne Johnson as the rock. " +8102,1,"You da bomb, no you da bomb.... In America: a compliment, in Syria: an argument" +8103,1,What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes from police custody? A small medium at large +8104,2,"A man goes to see his priest... A man goes to see his priest to confess his bad behavior. Man: “I’m sorry father but I took the lords name in vain.” Priest: “My son, you still seem upset at the matter. Why don’t you explain what happened and get it off your chest. You will feel much better afterwards.” Man: “Ok father. I was out golfing and I was teeing up for a 375 yard hole. I was feeling well and thought I would try my best at getting my drive shot as close to the green as I could. So I put a lot more into my swing and I hit the ball further than I have ever hit it before. I hit it over 300 yards!” Priest: “I know you got those new clubs. They are really good. Is that when you took the lords name in vain?” Man: “No father. As I approached the ball, a squirrel ran out from the underbrush and carried it off. It ran up a shed, all the way to the roof, where I lost sight of it.” Priest: “Is that when you took the lords name in vain?” Man: ”No father. A hawk had spotted the squirrel and swooped down and snatched it up in its talons. The hawk then flew away with the squirrel, but the squirrel dropped my ball and it fell down onto the green and rolled to a few inches away from the hole.” The priest paused for a moment, looking at the man. Priest: ”You missed the fucking putt, didn’t ya.” " +8105,0,What is Trump's favourite movie? Wall-E. +8106,0,"Friend: Why are the tracks red? Me: I don't know... Friend: Once upon a time, the first track was made. There was a race between a hare and a tortoise. Slow and steady wins the race, that's what they said, so obviously the tortoise wins. The hare was so salty that it tore the tortoise apart and sprayed its blood over the entire track, turning it red. Me: Oh! Friend: From that day on, when a track was erected, the first thing that happened was always a competition between a hare and the tortoise. (The tortoise always won) Me: But why are some tracks blue? Friend: Those tortoises had bad blood." +8107,0,"Felt I needed to share this joke in light of recent reports that Somalia elected an ""honest"" president. Santa Claus, Bin Laden, an honest politician, and Drake are walking down the street when they see a bag of diamonds addressed ""to the first person who finds it."" Who picks it up? Drake. Bin Laden is dead and the other two don't actually exist. " +8108,7,"I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is ""the stupidest country in the world."" Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world." +8109,0,I held an active bomb in my hand one time. It was very disarming. +8110,0,"I had premonition that next year, everyone would have perfect eyesight. I guess that's what you call 2020 vision" +8111,1,"My Chinese friend accused me of being racist the other day. Personally, I think she's wong." +8112,0,Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil +8113,2,"What do you get when you cross a Dachshund with a Pit Bull? A Wiener-Pit, just like your mom. " +8114,2,What's Russias favorite streaming site? Nyetflix +8115,3,"A coach for the Detroit Lions was looking for the perfect quarterback ...he had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Syrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! “I’ve got to get this guy!” The coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!” “I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.” “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!" +8116,1,"Officers bring Bad News Officer knocks on door A Man opens the door. Officer: ""Sorry sir, it's your wife. Looks like she's been hit by a truck"" Man: ""She has a great personality though""" +8117,5,Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out man. +8118,0,What do you call a white baker? Betty Cracker +8119,4,What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident? a wrecked angle (This took me one 20 minute shower to think out) +8120,0,I might not be a gynecologist But I know a cunt when I see one +8121,0,"I was going to post the joke about the steak that was on the grill too long, but it’s overdone." +8122,0,What do Democrats do when they lose a game of CSGO? They blame the Russians. +8123,6,I doubt vodka is the answer.... But it's worth a shot +8124,5,PSA: I'm starting a minimalist orchestra! It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles. +8125,3,"Grammar is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse, and helping your uncle, Jackoff, a horse. I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not related to a horse. " +8126,0,What do you call a government official who overseas regulations on breweries? A Beer-aucrat +8127,0,My friend got hit on the head with a baseball. He never saw it coming. +8128,2,"Wanna hear a joke about a control freak? Yes, you do." +8129,6,Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane? The steaks couldn't have been higher. +8130,0,What is the most said body part by college students? Ear +8131,1,I lost my dad in 9/11 He was the best damn pilot ever... +8132,3,"People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision." +8133,1,"Periods aren't used that often on the internet But when they are, it's usually as a sign of seriousness" +8134,1,Whats big and white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A fridge. +8135,9,"My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord." +8136,1,My friend swears he's a 1980s popstar I keep trying to talk him out of it but he's Adam Ant Not my joke it's an oldie but it always makes me laugh +8137,2,"I have the body of a 22-year-old model He's in my freezer, and now I have no room for my ice cream." +8138,1,"What happens when you fart next to vanilla ice? He farts almost exactly like you, and argues there was 1extra note." +8139,2,Why did the magician keep candy bars in his arm pockets? He always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve. +8140,2,What do you call a secret agent from Ireland? Dublin 07 +8141,0,Why did the Columbian drug lord have the police officer killed? Medellin. +8142,6,"A Higgs Boson walks into a church The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”" +8143,0,America is a country America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote +8144,0,"Just thought of this today, needs a bit of work. It's a bit long. So, two car enthusiasts were at a car show one time, one was male and the other was female. They were both parked beside each other and were admiring each others cars. They eventually started hitting it off and the female asked the male for a drive in his car, so he insisted and they both got into his car and started driving. The female asked the male to pull over in a dark alleyway. The male was confused and asked ""why?"". She said ""I want you to do me a favour"" the guy replied ""what favour?"" The female looked at him and said ""I want you to stick your key in my ignition and turn me on""" +8145,0,Joke about deaf person and a stupid one - Do you wanna hear a joke? - Yes - What? -Yes -What? (You get the point.) +8146,5,"The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today. I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake." +8147,0,What happens when the Niagra falls gets horny? It becomes the Viagra falls +8148,0,many inventors tried to invent the new big battery solution but none of them were Goodenough +8149,1,"How many suh-dudes does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam!" +8150,0,"It's the RoboShowdown! Deep Blue opens e4. Watson responds, ""What is 'Chess'?""" +8151,2,A blind man received a silver chestnut grater for Christmas He said it was the most violent thing he had ever read. +8152,1,"Let go.. New perspective.. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, . . . . nobody wanted them." +8153,1,"What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and sits in a pile of leaves? Russell." +8154,0,A Man saw My Drawing And Collapsed To The Floor... The Doctors identified that he had coronary art disease. +8155,2,Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? To get a long little doggy. +8156,0,"My brother got into a car accident today. After hearing the news of my brother getting into a car accident I quickly called him. Me: ""I heard you got into a car accident today."" Bro: ""Yeah man I did."" Me: ""How do you feel? Where was it at?"" Bro: ""It was in Oklahoma and I am OK.""" +8157,1,"Crossword help please: 9 Across: Pavarotti gets Angry. (5,5) Sorry my mistake, that's Tenor Cross. " +8158,4,Someone just threw a bottle of omega fish oil at me! Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil +8159,3,"The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse... The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse on the street in Brooklyn. He decides call the police. Man: I've f-f-found a w-w-wandering h-h-horse. Policeman: Okay. We will come. Where are you now? Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously) Policeman: Bronx? Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs up because he can not speak anymore) He calls again. Man: I've c-c-called earlier a-a-about the h-h-horse. Policeman: Okay. Where are you? Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously) Policeman: Bronx? Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs up again) He calls again and once again they repeat the same unsuccessful conversation as before. Half an hour later the man calls again. Man: I'm c-c-calling for the h-horse. Policeman: Where are you? Man: In Br-r ... Policeman: Bronx? Man: Yes, I am. I've d-d-dragged it there. " +8160,0,Ran into a Poké urologist today... He makes Pokémon go. +8161,0,What do comedians do nowadays? First they steal a reporter’s script before every show. Then they throw in some curses and metaphors. +8162,0,You can't even begin talking about happiness until you laugh at a penis. +8163,1,If a fireman offers you two ways to escape your burning house... ...always take the latter. +8164,1,I went to see a dermatologist. I asked him to do everything he could to stop me from breaking out. He locked all the doors and barricaded the windows. +8165,1,"Dad joke from the greatest Dad ever My dad was intermed yesterday at Arlington National cemetery, so to salute the great man who served in WWII, here's one of his favorite jokes: If you're Russian to go to the bathroom, and walk out Finnish, what are you while inside? European!" +8166,2,I forgot the Netflix password. Who here remembers it? +8167,1,My wife went to Jupiter and found pictures of me and a mistress. She was crushed. My mistress asked what the big deal was... she didn't understand the gravity of the situation. +8168,0,My humility.. is quite honestly one of my finest traits. +8169,2,"A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father. ""Son, now you've got a kid yourself I think it's time I gave you this"" ""Dad, you don't mean-"" ""Yes son, I do"" **Dad pulls out a dog eared copy of '1001 Dad jokes- 5th edition ""Dad, I'm honoured!"" he says, a tear in the corner of his eye ""Hi honoured,"" replies his father. ""I'm Dad"" " +8170,3,Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed? She struggled to control her pupils. +8171,2,Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair... ...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way. +8172,0,"What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine." +8173,2,Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four it'd be a sedan. +8174,5,"An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ""Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: ""Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."" ""I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."" ""Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, ""You fuck her again.""" +8175,0,What is Bill Cosby's arch-nemesis? Smelling salts. +8176,2,"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:---------| A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: ""Wife wanted."" Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ""You can have mine.""" +8177,1,I must say I'm shocked by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide. How did he get the noose around his chin? +8178,0,"A banjo player gets a call to do a gig... He puts his banjo in the car, and heads off to the venue. He realizes he's early so he sits down at the bar and orders a beer. Around half way through the beer he remembers that he left his banjo in the car. He runs outside to check on it, and sure enough, his window has been smashed and there's a second banjo in his car now." +8179,0,"sometime in the [near?] future... (blonde joke) love richards is giving president machelle (who is a blonde) her daily briefing when she concludes by saying ""yesterday 5 brazillion soldiers died..."" ""OH NO!!"" the president shouts, everyone is shocked to see her emotions like this. Than the president gathers the courage to ask 1 final question... ""how much zeros are in a brazillion again?" +8180,0,"If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? No, because trees can't talk." +8181,3,My wife taught the car a new trick Who knew they could roll over... +8182,0,I can't help but keep making fun of this girl's boobs... it's just low hanging fruit +8183,3,"I recently ordered a thesaurus online. When it arrived, it was blank. I literally have no words to describe how angry I am." +8184,0,"Man, I hate my dick so much... It's always getting me into sticky situations." +8185,1,Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan +8186,1,"Howard decides to go on vacation. In the middle of his trip, he calls his brother Fred to see how the family cat is doing. “She broke her neck, she’s dead.”, Fred says. Howard is shocked “Well, you could have told me in a lot easier way. You could have said that she was stuck on the roof and the fire department was getting her down, but she suddenly fell and passed away immediately. It would have been a lot nicer to hear.” “I’m sorry” says Fred. “That’s alright. By the way, how’s Mother?” There’s a pause on Fred’s end. Then he says “She was up on the roof, and the fire department was getting her down...”" +8187,4,"A blonde, a brunette, and a red head Are all sitting in the waiting area of the ob/gyn. The brunette says, ""I heard if he's on top you're going to have a boy."" The red head says, ""well I heard if she's on top you're going to have a girl."" The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush to her asking what's wrong. Through tears and sobs she says, ""I'm going to have puppies"". " +8188,2,"What's the difference between 2% milk, whole milk and a pack of cigarettes? I don't know my father didn't get home from the store yet." +8189,0,"No Arms and No Legs A woman is laying on the beach and she has no arms and no legs. She is sad because no men will pay attention to her and begins to cry. A man walks up and asks ""Why are you crying?"" To which she replies: ""I've never been hugged before!"" The man then gives her a hug and moves on. The woman then begins to cry again. Another man comes forward and asks ""Why are you crying?"" To which she replies ""I've never been kissed before!"" The man then proceeds to give her a kiss on the lips and moves on. Finally the woman begins to cry yet again, to which a man walks up and asks ""Why are you crying?"" To which she replies ""I've never been fucked before!"" The man then picks her up, throws her in the water and says ""NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"" XD" +8190,3,"I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP. I guess she deleted it." +8191,2,"A little boy, At a Wedding Looks at His Mom A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?” His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”" +8192,3,"One prostitute asks the other: “Do you smoke after sex?” “Dunno, I’ve never looked.”" +8193,6,"An irishman is at a bar He goes to get up and falls flat on his face "" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home"" the bartender tells him "" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !"" He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face. "" look, you live right next door, let me help you home"" The bartender says. "" I dont need any help from you!"" He pulls himself up and takes a step, wham! Flat on his face again. "" come on paddy, let me at least call the missus"".. "" get away from me"" He drags himself home, crawls to the couch and falls asleep. He wakes up in the morning with his wife angrily looking at him "" you got drunk again last night?"" "" no, why accuse me of such stuff"" "" the bar called, you left your wheelchair there"" " +8194,2,"What was that loud noise last night? ""My shoes fell down the stairs."" ""Shoes don't make that much noise."" ""Well, I was still wearing them...""" +8195,2,"A couple of weeks ago, I played golf with a guy who shot an even par 72. We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week. He said: ""Sure, but I might be a half hour late."" The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee, this time playing left-handed. Again he shoots a 72. I asked him if he wanted to play again next week. He replied: ""Sure but I might be a half hour late."" I then asked him :""How come some times you play right-handed and other times, left-handed."" He said,""When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."" I then ask ;""So, what if she is laying flat on her back?"" ""Then I'll be a half hour late!""" +8196,2,I want to get a job cleaning mirrors It’s just something I can really see myself doing +8197,2,I am glad that No Nut November is finally over! Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month. +8198,1,"To the man with crutches wearing the camouflage who stole my wallet... ...you can hide, but you can't run" +8199,0,"My first joke and how I broke my arm. So here's how I broke my arm. Me and one of my best friends went hiking up north a few months ago. Really dumb idea because we didnt know what we were doing. Two city guys in the woods with one bottle of water and sneakers, what could go wrong? Well we ended up running across a bear and this bear was massive, like it makes the rock look tiny. The bear spots us and it doesnt even hesitate to chase us. You know that old saying ""I dont have to out run the bear, I just have to out run you"" well it became the motto for the next 10 minutes, which actually felt like 10 hours. We ended up hiding in a tree until the bear left us alone, my friend looked at me ""man that was close"" I looked back at him ""yea it was pretty grizzly"" That's when he pushed me out of the tree." +8200,1,"I heard that researchers in Antarctica have the worst, meanest personalities They must be so cold" +8201,4,What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. +8202,3,Why was the broom late? Because it overswept ! +8203,0,What do you call a skinny woman with a yeast infection? Flat bread +8204,0,What's the difference between a crack dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. +8205,3,Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough.. The holes in his hands would whistle? +8206,1,What is the largest super bowl of them all? Forty. +8207,7,Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll. +8208,1,What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer +8209,1,"Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget? Yeah, there is a small medium at large." +8210,1,"A scenario in the office... Boss: Alright we are gonna play a game... When I say the name of the fruit, you run to the right side of the hall. When I say the name of the colour, you run to the left side of the hall. Failure to do so results in no bonus this month... Employees: Alright! We are ready! Boss: Alrighty then! The word is ""ORANGE""" +8211,1,"Tommy is a really forgetful man It's not that he hasn't had any experiences in life, he just forgets many of them. He needed a new one. So be it, he thought and set out to get a Skydiving Certificate like he's always wanted. He was really scared of jumping on his own for the very first time but his peers calmed him down on the way up. Practice is practice, and he's not getting any younger he thought for himself. With this new found courage he threw himself out of the plane only to realise he forget the parachute. Terror struck at once, but his panic siezed when he was halfway down. It was only practice after all." +8212,0,My Girlfriend says I'm too repetitive. My Girlfriend Says I'm too repetitive. +8213,0,I smoked an entire brisket today. My lungs hurt. +8214,0,Can I make a tasteless joke? Flour. +8215,3,"Anti-vax jokes are like anti-vax kids, They were great for a year or two, but they should be dead by now." +8216,1,With all of the disdain for Scientology... You could say Reddit is pretty Xenuphobic! +8217,1,"Would a gay shop owner decline service to straights? No, because gay people aren't fucking assholes " +8218,0,The punchline in the title. What makes a bad joke? +8219,0,"Do not be racist! Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew! " +8220,2,What do you call King Midas' balls? Goldman Sachs +8221,0,How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You nail a piece of toast to the wall +8222,2,"A patient is at the doctors office and the doctor tells him he has bad news and worst news Patient: Alright doc give me the bad news Doctor: Unfortunately you have AIDS Patient: That’s terrible news, I can’t believe it. What could the worst news possibly be Doctor: Well the worst news is you have Alzheimers Patient: That’s unbelievable doc, you were right that is worst news. But hey on the bright side at least I don’t have AIDS" +8223,1,"Dave: tell me a dad joke Dad: well, your mom's blowjob kinda sucks!!!" +8224,0,"John just got fired from my bar job John: I just got fired from my bar job. Alan: What happened? John: Well, a woman came in and ordered a brandy.... Alan: Let me guess, you served it in the wrong glass? John:...no...snifter... Alan: aaah, sexual harassment. EDIT: ...from his bar job." +8225,4,"If Jesus appears to you... Ask him to bevel-cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn't know what you mean, that's an imposter Jesus." +8226,1,"Birth pain transfer machine A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead." +8227,2,I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail His dick tasted like shit +8228,2,"Why don't murders get solved in Alabama Because there are no dental records, and everyone's DNA matches." +8229,1,"Snakes Two snakes on the lawn,one says to the other,” are we the kind of snake that bites our prey OR do we crush them”? The other one says “WE CRUSH THEM”. First snake replies “ Thank gawd for that,I’ve just bitten my lip”" +8230,4,"Today's National Coming Out Day, so I sat down with my parents After a lot of difficult, I finally worked up the courage to tell them they're gay." +8231,2,"Two Latvian men are talking to each other... Two Latvian men are talking to each other. The first says ""I have joke for you. What did one potato say to other?"" The second says ""Nothing. Nobody have two potato.""" +8232,2,"So i was at this bar And the bar tender yelled ""Does anyone know CPR!?"" I yelled back ""Yeah I do, and I know the rest of the alphabet too!"" Everybody in the bar laughed....Except one guy." +8233,2,Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn. +8234,1,"New bag A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, ""Thanks for the Baghdad""" +8235,2,"A woman went to a psychic In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will be murdered this year.” Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the mystic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: “Will I be acquitted?”" +8236,0,What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick the jelly before you get to the meaty bit. +8237,2,This should be a standard response to chemistry jokes Flourine Uranium Carbon Potassium Yttrium Oxygen Uranium Arsenic Sulphur Tungsten Iodine Phosphorus Einsteinium :) +8238,0,"A surgeon walks into the family waiting room. He says, “I’m sorry to say that we couldn’t do the circumcision on your husband.” The wife asks, “Why not, doctor?” The doctor replies, “Well, Mrs. Trump, there’s just no end to that prick!”" +8239,1,"Dmitri the Great Dmitri is standing on the hill with his nephew Costa. Below them is a magnificent harbour filled with beautiful ships and yachts. Dmitri says ""I used to be a shipbuilder. A lot of these yachts came from my yard. Famous people from all over the world used to come to me so I could build them yachts. You think they call me Dmitri the Great Shipbuilder?"" ​ Costa just looks disappointed and shakes his head slowly. ​ So they go for lunch on the High Street. Dmitri says ""I once had a restaurant on High Street. A lot of the dishes on this menu are my creation. Do you think they call me Dmitri the Chef?"" ​ Costa just looks disappointed and shakes his head slowly. ​ Later they are walking through an opulent neighbourhood. Each mansion is more spectacular than the last. Dmitri says ""I designed a lot of these houses. You think they call me Dmitri the Great Architect?"" ​ Costa just looks disappointed and shakes his head slowly. ​ Dmitri says ""A man can toil from early in the morning until late at night only hoping that someone will recognize his work, but nobody ever does. But, get caught fucking a goat just once...""" +8240,2,What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a blue whale? About 10 pounds. +8241,2,My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. It's quite rewarding working from home I tell ya +8242,1,Why are black people tall? Their knee grows! +8243,0,What do you call a serial killer who rides a bike? A Pshycolist +8244,1,"Unlike most people, I’m happy that Trump pulled out of Paris. Can you imagine how narcissistic their kids would have been?" +8245,4,What do you call a communist sniper A Marxman +8246,1,What's Ronald McDonald's favorite sex position? The Cooter Pounder. +8247,0,What do you call wood-smoothing equipment that's hot to the touch? Bernie Sanders +8248,0,"What happens to a pie that's been out in the Sun for too long? It becomes zero. What happens to a pie that is slept on while camping? I don't know, you can't do it." +8249,4,"Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems The seventy-year-old said, ""Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."" ""Heck, that's nothing,"" said the eighty year old. ""Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible"". The ninety-year-old said, ""You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."" 😢" +8250,0,What does Vladimir Putin day when he’s getting dressed? I’m Putin my cloths on +8251,1,"A Beautiful Sound [long] A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, ""My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?""The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. ​ As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk."" Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. ​ The monks reply, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk.""The man says, ""If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.""The monks reply, ""You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."" ​ The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.""In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.""The monks reply, ""Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."" ​ The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, ""The sound is beyond that door.""The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, ""This is the last key to the last door."" ​ The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. " +8252,1,"Tim and John are hanging out in Tim's room Tim tells John to look at him quickly. When he does, Tim has his pants down and farts right in his face. John says confused ""Why'd you fart in my face for?"" ""I didn't fart in your face, my ass sneeze in your face just happened to be there,"" Tim says laughing. The next day they are at the basketball court at their local park playing one-on-one. John calls for a time out so he can tie his shoe. When he looks up there's Tim's bare ass right in his face and he farts once again. John, says angrily ""Dude, why did you fart in my face?"" Tim, once again laughing, says to him "" I didn't fart in your face, my ass sneezed and your face just happened to be there,"" Two days later, Tim decides to surprises girlfriend at her apartment. He opens the door only to see John having sex with his girlfriend. When Tim screams out, John pulls out and cums on Tim's girlfriend's face. Tim, furious at what he just saw screams at John ""WHY DID YOU JUST CUM ON MY GIRLFRIEND'S FACE?"" John replied ""I didn't cum on your girlfriend's face, my dick sneezed and her face just happened to be there,"" (My cousin taught me that one)" +8253,1,Why can every black person run so fast? Because the slow ones are in jail. +8254,1,/r/jokes is a lot like Chinese goods At first it was full of originality and now it's just full of knock offs and lazy products +8255,0,"All the world's a stage And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time has many farts." +8256,6,What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it's triggered. +8257,1,"Joke: The Accident One day, the king and his daughter were walking along the cliff-side. Suddenly, the king's daughter accidently tripped and fell to the bottom of the cliff, in the deep ocean. So, the king begged for someone to rescue his daughter. Soon, there was a crowd of onlookers all gathered at the top of the cliff. Suddenly, a young man dived into the waters, rescued the king's daughter, and climbed back up to the top of the cliff. The king was so happy and said to the young man: ""Oh, thank you. What is it that you want, do you want gold?"" ""No!"" A horse? No! My daughter? No! Then what the hell do you want!? I want to know who pushed me! -Fin." +8258,0,"What did the woman say to her husband who constantly turns the heater up way too high? ""This is why we can't have ice things!""" +8259,1,How do you call a war between Zeus and Raiden? Blitzkrieg +8260,1,"A dorito asks the doctor whether or not he's done the DNA test to his son yet.... The doctor responds, ""Yes, I'm afraid he's NACHO son.""" +8261,4,Whoever invented the knock knock joke should receive a no-bell prize +8262,2,"Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon. “Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”. “What’s the rush?” his friend asked. “The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me,” the guy replied." +8263,1,TIFU by finding a job wish i could say this is the wrong sub +8264,0,"What did the clothing model say to his buddy, after working 24 hours straight, in the department store? ""Mannequin really use a break! """ +8265,2,What is a skeleton's weapon of choice? A bone and marrow. +8266,1,What do you call a cat served on a silver plate? A platter-pus +8267,0,John was at the 17th floor of a building. John hop off from the ledge and began to fall. Why didn't John die? John is a bird. +8268,0,My crush called me up at 1 a.m. yesterday She needed help with the Physics assignment +8269,5,My three favorite things... ...are eating my family and not using commas. +8270,4,What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. Happy Easter +8271,1,"I gave my seat up to an old blind lady on a bus today ... ... Now I have lost my job, knew I shouldn't have let her drive." +8272,5,"The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone." +8273,3,"Explaining how the parliament works. One day a boy asks his dad how the parliament works. So his dad tells him, ""Well, i am the working man of the family so think of me as capitalism. Your mom is the government, your baby brother is the future and the housekeeper is the working class. Now ponder over what i've told you and tell me what you understand."" That night, the boy's brother shit his diapers, when he goes to call his mom, she doesn't wake up and his dad isn't there. So he goes to the housekeeper's room and finds it locked. He peeps in and sees his dad banging her. The next morning the boy says to his dad, ""I finally understood how the parliament works. While the government sleeps and the future is in deep shit, capitalism is screwing the working class.""" +8274,1,"You Can Go Home Early Kindergarten teacher is teaching her class on the last day of summer term. She decides to let some of the kids go home for the holidays early as a treat. She first asks Ben what he did at lunch time.   Ben says he played football with Tyler. The teacher says that if Ben can spell “foot” he can go home early for the holidays. F-O-O-T replies Ben and off he goes like a flash.   She then says to Tyler if he can spell “ball” he can also go home early. B-A-L-L says Tyler before running out the door with glee.   Next the teacher asks Sanjay what he did at lunchtime. He says that he wanted to play football with Ben and Tyler but they wouldn’t let him because he is Asian and he smells. He goes on to say how his daddy would say it’s racial discrimination.   The teacher replies “Oh Sanjay, that is terrible! Tell you what, if you can spell “racial discrimination” you can go home early too” " +8275,3,"I slipped on black ice the other day. I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was gone." +8276,0,Most people get AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton got sex from aides. +8277,1,Your girlfriend is like my GTX 970 A 3.5/4 +8278,2,"A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!" +8279,0,A farmer walks into a bar Wat in tarnation??? +8280,2,Eye contact The only time I made eye contact with my girlfriend during sex was when she unexpectedly entered the bedroom. +8281,1,"Did you hear about the JRPG character who named his daughter Dot? He called for her three times: ""..."" - she didn't answer." +8282,3,TIL Albert Einstein married his cousin. That's how he discovered the theory of relativity +8283,1,When people around me complain about my flatulence I explain to them that it puts me on the same level as the great Pharaohs of old.... Because we have a Tutanhkhamun. +8284,2,I’d love to tell you that you’re beautiful... But beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been inside you yet. +8285,1,"those damn vegans still drinking water?!?! That's a fish's house, you nasty savages!!" +8286,0,[Gaming] Why did the console players cross the road? So they could watch their friend play his PC games. +8287,1,Who is faster? Superman or the flash? Umm. The cameraman?... +8288,2,"Ham Sandwich A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ""Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"" The rabbi responded, ""Yes, that is still one of our laws."" The priest then asked, ""Have you ever eaten pork?"" To which the rabbi replied, ""Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."" The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ""Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"" The priest replied, ""Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."" The rabbi then asked him, ""Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"" The priest replied, ""Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."" The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, ""Much, much better than a ham sandwich don't you think?""" +8289,4,"Two germans visit France in the early 50s Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar. ""Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?"" asked one of the german. ""Dry ?"" asked the barman. ""NEIN, ZWEI !""" +8290,6,Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again... He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn +8291,1,What is bread in Alabama called inbread +8292,0,There are two types of people in the world: People who complete sentences... +8293,1,What is the opposite of evil? Live +8294,0,Ohhh Abe. What did Abraham Lincoln say after a 3 day drunken stupor? “I FREED WHO!” +8295,1,"I just got fired for getting beauty tips online during my lunch break! my Boss said "" Madison Ivy gets a facial"" is not a video on beauty tips." +8296,1,"A Catholic man is driving around Long Island. Suddenly, a very old man with a long, grey beard appears in the middle of the road. The Catholic stops and gets out of the car. “I am the Lord thy God” the old man man says. “I have come down from Heaven because you have lived a good Catholic life, and I would like to reward you by giving you anything you wish.” The Catholic, taken aback, gets down on his knees and clasps his hands. “Lord,” he says, “I wish for a bridge to be built between New York and Ireland, so I can visit my dear cousins and go to the pub whenever I please.” The Lord thinks for a second and says “my dear child, your wish is very selfish and materialistic. It would take all the resources in the world and I urge you to think of something more thoughtful.” The Catholic thinks long and hard for a few minutes, then says: “Lord, I would like to understand my wife. I would like to know what she thinks, why she acts the way she does and how to make her happy.” The Lord replies: “Would you like one road or a divided highway?”" +8297,0,"My gf is like the square root of negative one. Irrational, imaginary, and a solid 1/10." +8298,4,"Two windmills are in a field One said to the other, “so what kind of music are you into?” He answered, “Oh, I’m a big metal fan.”" +8299,4,What do you call a fist fight at noon? A lunchbox +8300,0,Why can't the cop stop beating his meat when the lights are off? Because it looks black +8301,3,A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?' The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.' +8302,2,Did you hear about the fire at the school for the mentally disabled? Some of the kids started it because they thought they were fire retardant. +8303,0,People used to love Bill Cosby's... ...rapier wit. +8304,0,Donald Trump walks into a bar and gets a concussion and dies. The end. Have a nice day :) +8305,1,What do you call it when the plastic surgeon only enlarges one butt cheek? A half-assed job +8306,1,Knock! Knock! Who's there? I eat mop ... +8307,1,"Two muffins are sitting in an oven One turned to the other and said: ""Wow, it's pretty hot in here."" The other one shouted: ""Wow, a talking muffin!""" +8308,3,The police station toilet was stolen Cops have nothing to go on +8309,1,Hallucination An optical delusion. +8310,0,whats the difference between boyscouts and jews? Boyscouts come back from camp. +8311,0,"Sometimes things are posted on the wrong sub, but you still gotta give credit. " +8312,1,How much does a Chinese burrito weigh? Won Ton +8313,1,How do you confuse an irishmen? Beat the fuck out of him in round ten +8314,3,What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?” +8315,3,Einstein made a theory about space... It was about time too. +8316,4,Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot? He heard that vaccines can make you artistic. +8317,0,Why don't gay guys like playing poker? They are afraid they'll get a straight. +8318,1,"Did you hear that the coprophiliac Scotsman is engaged to be married? They're so cute together; apparently, it was love at first shite." +8319,0,What’s the most unamerican sport in Florida? Cross country because they’re all Cubans +8320,5,"When my girlfriend told me she has an abduction fetish, I thought she was kidding. But she demands to be taken, seriously!" +8321,9,"Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12! A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ""What are these, Dad?"" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ""Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."" ""Oh I see,"" replied the boy pensively. ""Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."" He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, ""Why are there 3 in this package?"" The dad replies, ""Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."" ""Cool"" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ""Then who are these for?"" ""Those are for college men,"" the dad answers, ""two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."" ""WOW!"" exclaimed the boy, ""then who uses THESE?"" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. ""Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...""" +8322,2,What did the penis say to the condom Cover me im going in! +8323,1,How to fall down the stairs * Step 1: * Step 2: * Step 4: * Step 17: * Step 35: And you're done! +8324,2,"How many ""a man walks into a bar"" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground." +8325,0,"I got an awesome joke! Babies, semen, and dog shit in a blender." +8326,0,Nobody can run the country better than Trump. The country would be run better if nobody was running it. +8327,5,"A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, ""What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"" The doctor chimed in, ""I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"" The priest said, ""Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."" He said, ""Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"" The green-keeper replied, ""Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, ""That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."" The doctor said, ""Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."" The engineer said, ""Why can't they play at night?""" +8328,1,"Little Nancy comes home from Sunday School... ""Well,"" said her mother, ""and what did you learn in Sunday School today?"" ""We learned,"" said little Nancy, ""about Moses."" ""Ah,"" said her mother, ""and what did you learn about Moses?"" Nancy said, ""Well, he was a general leading an army on a retreat from Egypt. The Egyptians, in hot pursuit, had the weight of tanks on their side, and Moses, taking casualties, was forced back upon the Red Sea, where he faced annihilation. Calling or air cover, however, he proceeded to throw a pontoon bridge hastily across--"" By this time, Nancy's mother had finally managed to catch her breath and said ""Nancy! Surely that's not what they taught you about Moses."" ""Well, not exactly,"" said Nancy, ""but if I told it to you the way the teacher told it to me, you'd never believe it."" *Borrowed from Issac Asmiov's Asimov Laughs Again" +8329,1,What do you call a smart chromosome? A gene-ius +8330,0,What do you call someone destroying a couch? Sectional Assault. +8331,2,"[NSFW] A guy goes into a bar and sees a sign... ...""Free drinks for a week, ask about my horse!"" The guy asks the bartender what the story is behind the sign. ""Oh,"" he says, ""I have a horse in a stable out back. It's been very depressed ever since I bought it. I'm offering free drinks to anyone who can cheer him up."" ""Leave it with me,"" the guy says. He finishes his drink and goes out to the stable. A few seconds later the horse begins laughing hysterically. ""That's incredible!"" says the bartender. ""I'm a man of my word, your drinks are free all week."" After a couple of days free drinking, the bartender collars our man again. ""Listen,"" he says irritably, ""that horse is driving me crazy. He's been giggling to himself all week. It's keeping me up at night - it was less hassle when he was depressed! I'll give you free drinks for life if you can put him back the way he was."" ""Sure,"" the guy shrugs. He heads out to the stable and a few seconds later comes the sound of the horse weeping softly. ""That's incredible!"" says the bartender. ""I have to ask, how do you do it?!"" ""Well,"" says the guy, ""to make him laugh I just told him my dick was bigger than his."" ""I see,"" says the bartender. ""What did you do to make him cry?"" ""I showed him.""" +8332,0,Did you hear the joke about argon? It got no reaction. +8333,0,"Importance of meditation When a wife keeps her head on a mans chest and slowly asks ""Dear do have any other woman in your life"" Remember, the answer is not important at this time Important is - the heartbeat, keep your heart beats in control Therefore, meditate regularly. " +8334,2,What do a virgin and a hemophiliac have in common? One prick and it's all over. +8335,1,"A Man with a Small Penis Once upon a time, A Man met a woman, they started dating, the man had a problem, he had a small pecker, the woman decided she needed a man who was better endowed, left him. SAD. The Man was devastated, broken, sought council from a friend for his problem, his friend suggested go meet this wise sage in the mountains, The Man makes the Journey and reaches the mountain and climbs the mountain and reaches the top to see a sage seated there, he tells the sage of his problem, the sage gives him a special juice, he goes back home, takes it & magically his penis grows and he is happy. The Man decides to go back to the Mountain to thank the sage, he climbs the mountain again and reaches the top & thanks him. Now he asks the sage,"" Oh wise one! My penis grew with a single shot of this juice, you have it in abundance, how has it not helped you?"" Sage replied,"" The Rope you climbed on is my penis"" Good Day Folks. " +8336,0,[WARNING: NERDY AS FUCK] Tiffany Case fires a .0005kg bullet-blank from a gun at 720(m/s). What is the recoil velocity she acquires if she weighs 51kg? .007 meters/second +8337,0,"A man is visiting a farm as he notices a pig missing a leg walking around He goes to the farmer to ask him about Farmer: Oh the pig? There's quite a story behind that. You see, the other day my barn got caught on fire with my son inside, and with no hope of rescue due to the flames being too spread out I had given up all hope, until the pig runs in there and drags him out from the fire. Man: So the pig lost the leg in the fire? Farmer: Oh no, you can't eat a quality pig like that straight away, just one piece at a time." +8338,4,"My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently ""Cold War Era Russia"" is not an acceptable answer." +8339,1,What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period? when you finger her you get your palm red for free +8340,3,"A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!' The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'" +8341,0,Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. How long it took for you to figure it out? +8342,1,"If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming... After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name" +8343,1,Pascal walks into a bar There are 100 000 pascals in the bar +8344,3,"A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face.... The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, ""Always B positive!""" +8345,1,I've lost a friend after we chopped up a man from Bangkok together We severed Thais +8346,1,What kind of cheese does theoretical math by itself? Provealone +8347,0,I hate seeing penises and people peeing Looks like I am allergic to peanuts +8348,0,What do we want? Racecar noises! When do we want them? Neoww (like a racecar speeding by) Credit to EhBee family on yt +8349,1,"A priest is absolving sins in the confessional when suddenly he has to shit. He peaks his head out and knows he can’t hold it. The janitor is nearby and waves him over. The priest says, “please, you just need to sit here and give the corresponding answer to each sin. He bolts off. The janitor hears a couple people out and he gives out some Hail Marys. Then one man walks in and says, “father, I am beside myself. Not only did I cheat on my wife, but it was with a man. I masturbated in front of him while he did the same. I don’t know what to do”. The janitor couldn’t find the appropriate response, so he peaks out to see if the priest is coming. Instead, he sees an alter boy a few feet away. “Son, do you know where father Dean is? Is he out of the bathroom yet?” The alter boy did not know. The janitor asked the alter boy if, by any chance, he knew the answer to the sin. He said, “well, it’s been awhile but, he used to give us candy.”" +8350,2,What do you call a transgender tree? Spruce Jenner +8351,0,Everyone is making jokes about how britain should take back the colonies I don’t think Britain wants us anymore. America is like the crack addicted son that stole his moms boat and sailed off into the sunset whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a goat +8352,3,"Kleptomaniacs Anonymous Yesterday, I attended a meeting for people suffering from kleptomania. When I walked in the room, a man greeted me and told me to take a seat, so I did. As I was leaving, he told me to put it back or he was gonna call the cops." +8353,1,Why is it difficult to cure blind people? Because they can't see a doctor. +8354,0,"An old man comes to a fart doctor. Doctor, when I fart, in the mornings I smell roses. When I fart in the evening I smell tuna. Doctor asks him, an what about the noon ferts? The old man looks at his watch and says, smell this!" +8355,3,"Robot For Sex A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming.. She told her lover to stay like robot and not to move. Husband: What is this? Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when you are traveling... Husband: Okay.. Lets have sex now... Wife: No sweetheart.. Yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you.. After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot... He tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way.. ""System error Wrong hole System error Wrong hole.."" Husband: Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window.. The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor he said: ""SOFTWARE UPDATED"" ""PLEASE TRY AGAIN""" +8356,2,What do lawyers use as contraception? Their personalities +8357,1,Russia (vs Spain) just had their most shocking win ... Since the US presidential election +8358,4,Did you hear about the racist chemist? He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium +8359,3,How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers. +8360,1,Why can’t T-Rex’s clap? Because they’re dead. +8361,0,What is the loudest sport Racket ball +8362,0,What do you call a giant spy guerrilla? InKONGnito +8363,0,"Fun Fact 98% of Americans say, ""Oh damn!"" as their car slides into a ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from Texas and say, ""Hold my beer and watch this!""" +8364,3,"A man from Newfoundland has just moved to Calgary and enters a local pub. The bartender says, ""What'll it be?"" The Newfie says, ""Three pints of beer, please."" The bartender says, ""Are you waiting for someone else?"" The Newfie says, ""No, this is in honor of my two friends. We all took jobs on the mainland, and before we left we agreed that whenever we went to a pub we would order three pints of beer, one for each of us, so we'd have something to remember our friendship by."" The bartender says, ""Wow, that's pretty cool!"" He pours the beers and the Newfie starts chatting up the other locals. He becomes a fixture at the pub and they all become friends. This continues for a few months until the Newfie walks in one day and says, ""Hi bartender, two pints of beer please."" All of a sudden there's a hush at the bar. Everyone looks concerned. The bartender pours the beers and says, ""I want you to know, I'm very sorry for your loss."" The Newfie says, ""What loss?"" The bartender says, ""Well, you've been ordering a pint for each of your friends, I'm guessing this means one of them passed away."" The Newfie says, ""Oh, no no! My friends are fine, I just quit drinking.""" +8365,0,There once was a rhino it was cool +8366,2,"A Jewish man’s mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges... The judge says, “Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange.” Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, “WAIT!” The whole room is shocked. “What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment?” Asks the judge. “Oh No. I think it’s very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...”" +8367,6,"America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win." +8368,0,Everyone keeps asking me to stop making lazy puns... they can pry them from my cold dad hands. +8369,1,How do you fix a broken Sousaphone?? With a Tuba glue +8370,1,I found a medical anomaly with fighters The loser always has elevated levels of B-10. +8371,1,Half-Life 3 is finally out ...of the question getting released in 2016. +8372,1,Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women? Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women? A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car. +8373,5,An athlete walks into a bar And gets eliminated from the high jump competition +8374,4,I adopted a female dog. Her name is Karma. Karma is a bitch. +8375,0,What would a Prius minivan be called? Post-us +8376,1,The Heimlich Maneuver always sounded like a power combo. ⬅️⬅️➡️⬇️⬆️🅰️🅱️ +8377,2,What’s brown and sounds like a bell? *dung* +8378,1,Why was Ivan Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it. +8379,4,How do you know a bum has a girlfriend? Because he has 2 clean fingers. +8380,1,"A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill. After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return. Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return. The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a firefight is heard, and the platoon doesn't return. Infuriated, the general sent his entire command over the hill. Tanks rolled over the hill and failed to return after a massive firefight ensued. A private crawled back over the hill with his legs on the other side of the hill and exclaimed ""It's a trap! There are two Germans!"" " +8381,1,Which woman is the Holy symbol of the mormon church? Mother Mary me +8382,1,"An infinite line of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders 1/2 a beer. The 3rd orders 1/4 th of a beer. The bartender pours 2 beers and says, ""You guys need to learn your limits!""" +8383,1,Why can't musicians do anything with A Minor? Because those who have tried end up in jail. +8384,3,"Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning ""I"", pointed to his knee meaning ""need"", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, ""What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!"". The other guy says, ""I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!""" +8385,2,What’s the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave doesn’t Brown your meat +8386,2,"The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense." +8387,3,What do you call a man who boasts of three erections per day? A tri-hard. +8388,0,If oxygen was discovered in 1772... How the hell did people breathe before then? +8389,0,What do you call an Irish lesbian ? Gaelic +8390,2,What are the odds of being Mexican? Juan in a million +8391,3,"The local mental asylum is running out of space So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population. He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged. After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were ""swimming"" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, ""Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home."" To which the resident replied, ""Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"" " +8392,1,I like my women like I like my bacon I like them. +8393,0,"This still has me laughing hours later! ""I go to the gym religiously...so like twice a year around the holidays!"" (x-posted in r/funny)" +8394,2,Civil war jokes? I General Lee don't find them funny! +8395,1,What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy? The hockey player showers after three periods. +8396,0,"What is the difference between a snake, and a goose? One is an asp in the grass, and the other is a grasp of the ass." +8397,4,"How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it might take 16 tries " +8398,1,Why is the EU so rich? Because they have Germoney +8399,1,"Dad joking my way out the door. As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist ""I'll be black later"" to which she instantly replied with ""I'll be white here""... I got to the door before it clicked." +8400,2,Did you hear about the guy who got 2nd place in a peeing contest? He's probably so pissed. +8401,0,What ore is always at the front ? Lead +8402,0,Why are crippled people always picked on? Because they cannot stand up for themselves. +8403,0,There once was a man from Nantucket Who loved to suck dick +8404,0,"Want to hear an unfunny joke? ""No"" Too late." +8405,0,Where did the Japanese Army go to on their trip to India? Bombay +8406,0,What's the top song by the Vietnamese Beatles? Rice Fields Forever. +8407,0,Why did the chicken Cross the road? It didnt......ir got hit by a car..... +8408,0,I must have Alzheimers Because I've forgotten to get my life together for over ten years now. +8409,3,The camping shop in Stratford-upon-Avon is having a sale of last season's stock. Their slogan....? Now.. is the winter of our discount tents. +8410,0,"dad say ""call your mum"" i say ""ur mum""!" +8411,1,"A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. ""I feel terrible,"" she told him. ""I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."" ""Forget it,"" consoled her husband. ""Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."" ""Yes, and it's lucky you have,"" said the woman, drying her eyes. ""I used them to patch the hole."" " +8412,1,He: Go on. Don't be shy. Ask me out. She: Okay.Go out. +8413,0,"A priest, a bishop, and a pontiff are all in a church when they came across the altar boy. " +8414,2,"A girl goes to a Church to confess.....[Long] Girl : ""Forgive me father for I have sinned."" Priest : ""What have you done my child?"" Girl : ""I called a man a son of a bitch."" Priest : ""Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"" Girl : ""Because he touched my hand."" Priest : ""Like this?"" (as he touches her hand) Girl : ""Yes father."" Priest : ""That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."" Girl : ""Then he touched my breast."" Priest : ""Like this?"" (as he touched her breast) Girl : ""Yes father."" Priest : ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."" Girl : ""Then he took off my clothes, father."" Priest : ""Like this?"" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : ""Yes father."" Priest : ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."" Girl : ""Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."" Priest : ""Like this?"" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : ""YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"" (after a few minutes) Priest : ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."" Girl : ""But father, he had AIDS!"" Priest : ""THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!""" +8415,0,"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide the librarian says ""fuck off, that's a repost""" +8416,2,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off +8417,0,What did helium have to say about her boyfriend exploding? That's acetylene. +8418,4,"In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, ""Charlie what are you doing?"" Charlie replied, ""Driving to Chicago!"" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, ""Well Charlie, how you doing?"" Charlie says, ""I just got into Chicago."" ""Great,"" replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Furiously she asks, ""Bob what the hell are you doing!?"" Bob says, ""I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"" " +8419,0,A man walks into a bar... It broke his nose +8420,4,How does Davey Crockett take his pie? Alamo'ed +8421,0,What inspired you to become a teacher? Because of two reasons: July and August ... +8422,1,"I made the best on the spot Dad joke today I was talking with a customer today, and she was telling me that she was on her way to work. She said she was a live in residential manager or something, but basically she takes care of an old guy. She was telling me she works third shift hours, so she gets paid to sleep. That's when I told her she's literally got her dream job. *ba dun tss*" +8423,0,Most pre-historic vegetables have been lost to time... But the beet goes on. +8424,3,"I asked the hotel clerk for the porn in my room to be disabled. She said, “We only have regular porn you sick bastard.”" +8425,1,"There was a farmer with a sick horse. He talked to the vet and the vet prescribed a one time dose of a pill. Of course it was a real “horse pill” - quite large! The farmer takes the pill and tries everything he knows to get this pill down his horse’s throat. No luck. He goes back to the vet and the vet tells him to take a 12 inch section of garden hose, put the pill in it, stick it in the horse’s mouth, and blow. Soon after, the man calls the vet asking for a second pill. The vet asks, “What happened to the first one?” The man replies, “The horse blew first!”" +8426,4,What language has the least number of speakers? Sign language. +8427,9,"Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all... After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, ""Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"" Full of anger, the blonde replies, ""How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.""" +8428,8,What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language. +8429,1,"Two pirates were talking, the second one with a pegleg, a hook, and an eyepatch Pirate 1: arrr, how ye get that peg leg Pirate 2: arr, ye was thrown overboard 'n got attacked by a shark! Pirate 1: aye, that is unfortunate. How ye get yer hook? Pirate 2: got in a sword fight, me opponent was good, cut me hand clean off! Pirate 1: arr, be happy ye still plundering the seas! How ye get yer eyepatch? Pirate 2: bird pooped on me eye.... Pirate 1: yarr, ye don't get a patch from that! Pirate 2: ...and me only'd just got me hook!" +8430,2,"I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him that technically all women are Body Builders." +8431,0,The truth about adoption is Its just boneless reproduction +8432,2,"Three girls decide to swim across a long lake. They want to find out which swimming style is better. So they each choose a different stroke. The race starts and all three start giving it their all not paying too much attention to the others. The brunette uses the front stroke and comes in first by about 5 mins. The red head shows up doing the back stroke and they say ya we figured this would be the outcome. Then the blonde shows up an hour later as the other two are sun tanning, and they ask what took so long, to which she replies my tits are killing me, why did I get the breast stroke anyways?" +8433,2,"A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache. ""Is it bad? How long have you had it?"" asks the doctor. ""It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."" ""Alright,"" the doctor replies, ""We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ready."" They run the tests and wrap up the appointment, the man leaves, and a few days go by. He receives the call that the test results came back, and he heads back into the doctor's office that afternoon to talk about them. When he arrives, his doctor greets him, and immediately advises him, ""Look... you're gonna want to sit down. It's bad. Things are not gonna be easy from here on out."" The man asks, ""What, do I have intestinal cancer or something?"" The doctor's jaw drops. ""How did you know?!"" He was completely astonished. ""Eh, I just had a gut feeling.""" +8434,3,What do you call it when a leprechaun gets a free handjob? A stroke of good luck +8435,0,"My new years resolution will be to stop losing pounds. I lost over 20 pounds this month! I seriously need to stop losing pounds. This month, I lost over £20. That's around $30 US." +8436,2,Why are short people so cool? Because they are down to earth +8437,0,What do you call the surgery that changes a girl to a boy? An addadicktome +8438,0,"A woman wants to spice up her love life (long) They have been married for a long time now and their love life is rather rusty, so the wife wants to spice things up a bit. So she buys some revieling lingery and takes a sexy pose on the bed. But the husband comes in the bedroom al pyjamad up. Gives her a short good night, goes to bed and starts to snore. So the next night the wife adds some sexy cologne and lipstick to make her more attractive and an even sexyer pose. Again her husband comes in, sniffes a bit, opens a window, goes to bed with a short goodnight and falls a sleep. Then the next night the wife thinks, its all or nothing and lies down on the bed naked. Her husband comes in and again goes right to bed, but this time begore he goed to sleep he looks at his wife and says. Hun i'm not sure what you are wearing, but is sure needs ironing! " +8439,1,What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit? It's fucking r/aww +8440,1,You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2 +8441,1,My wife told me to stop being immature Luckily she didn't have the password for my pillow fort +8442,0,What is Bob the Builder called when he dies? Bob. +8443,0,"LAZARUS! What?! LAZY! Ayyy! Fuck you! Shut the fuck up! You see this! Ow! Don't hit me with that! This is my fucking arm! You see my fucking side! Stabbed me like a fucking kabob! Shut the fuck up idiot. Your turn now. HEY! I SAW HER FIRST! THEN GO AND FUCKING RISE FROM THE FUCKING GRAVE NOW! Alright! You have the fucking good shit? Yes. Make it look good. You have three arms now. It grew back. My head is bleeding. His isn't. Didn't you leave the arm on there? Yeah but I lost mine. Have it here. Fuck. Which one is real? Which one is fake? I don't remember. Does it matter? They both look real. What did you make it out of? Molding. Clay. And some... uhhh... What did you mold it out of. Uhhhhh.... Wow. That's smart. Hmmm.... Oh shit. That's a good idea. Do you think she will let us? Does she even know about us? Bro. Of course she does. It's fucking obvious. Dude. Okay. Go out there. Literally, I can make you fly away. No shit? Yeah. Alright. The cuts are all healed. Arms grown back. His cuts are in the side. Hmmmm.... This is ridiculous. Doesn't seem possible at all! We have left props all over the place! Well. Shit. Yo-Yo? Hmmm. That will work. Alright. But seriously, I actually did die for a bit there. When they took me down... Dude. Shit was unreal. Shit was whack. Totally Heaven bro. For real? Yeah bro. Ascended to Heaven. Straight up. Not even lying. It was beautiful... There was Angel. I loved her. Who was it? Your girlfriend bro!" +8444,3,"What Rhymes with “Freudian slips”? “My mother’s tits”, oh shit I meant to say paper clips" +8445,0,"A restaurantowner... A restaurantowner came to his restaurant every single day for about 5 weeks. He looked at the amount of people visiting everyday and came to the conclusion that the numbers were getting lower and lower. He had to do something about this and created a weird trick to get more visitors. Since he lived in a place where inflicting pain on people was completely normal he pulled a random person off the streets, then he would tie the person up and every visitor that buys something would get to inflict pain on the person. So one day he decides to put a French person down and everytime someone buys something in the restaurant, they would be able to kick him once. Suddenly a lot of people would go to the restaurant just because the fact they like to hurt others. The line to kick the person was actually pretty long He would get a total of 1000 visitors a day, which also meant that the French person got around 1000 kicks that day. The restaurant owner saw this and was happy that his plan was working. So the next day he decided to kidnap a Dutch person, he tied him up and everytime someone bought something they would be able to nippletwist the guy for 5 seconds. When the day was going on the restaurant owner was happy that the line to nippletwist the guy was so long and also the line for buying food was very long. There were around 200 visitors that day. The restaurant owner was intrigued that the amount was doubled when it was a nippletwist instead of a kick and a Dutch person instead of a French person. So the next day he decided to kidnap a American person, he kidnapped him, tied him up and put the sign up that they were able to punch the guy if you buy food at his restaurant. Only this time the restaurant owner was despressed, he didnt get any money that day, there was noone in line for his food and also no punchline." +8446,0,It's difficult to say what my wife does... She sells sea shells on the sea shore. +8447,2,Why do blind people always laugh at jokes? Same as why they don't drive. They never see it comming. +8448,1,"When she wants her own way, my wife hides my viagra. Then I'm putty in her hands. " +8449,0,What's a porn star's favorite song? Back in Black. +8450,0,Can vegetarians eat pudding? 'Cause I heard that you can't have any pudding unless you eat your meat. +8451,1,I stabbed a man in the heart. Police charged me with a myocardial infraction. +8452,1,"Pinochio just finished intimate relations with his new girlfriend when she ... started complaining about splinters in her most sensitive areas. Concerned, Pinochio went to Geppetto and told him of the splinter problem. Geppetto searched all his shelves until he found the finest grit sandpaper among his supplies and instructs Pinochio on its use. Several weeks pass when Geppetto sees Pinochio at the market. He asks, ""Hows the girl problem?"" Pinochio replies, ""GIRLS, who needs girls!"" " +8453,0,"James A. Garfield was shot on Saturday, July 2, 1881. He died months later, on Monday, September 19, 1881. Garfield hates Mondays. " +8454,1,"If you marry a good, decent man... ... the color of his Rolls Roys doesn't make much difference" +8455,3,"A lot of times I'm depressed throughout the week, and then the weekend comes and I'm worse... Some would call it a sadder day." +8456,1,How does a gay drummer finish having sex? With a rim shot...bdum bshhh +8457,1,What's James Bond's favorite kind of pasta? (in a Scottish accent) Mini Penne +8458,0,"Scientists have just announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. So, does that pushes women to third place?" +8459,3,How do farmers party? They turnip the beets. +8460,1,What did one mushroom say to compliment the other mushroom? “You’re a fungi.” +8461,2,What is an earthquake's favorite exercise? The shake weight. +8462,0,"A pilot is flying over the Australian outback... Suddenly one of his engines goes out and he crashes. He wakes up in a bed in a hospital. A nurse walks in and says ""Thank god you're awake! The doctors though you weren't going to make it through the night."" The confused pilot responds ""Where the hell am I?"" The nurse responds ""You're in a hospital. A couple of locals saw your plane go down and managed to pull you out of the wreckage. Also you'd best watch your mouth. The sisters of mercy don't take kindly to swearing."" ""So how long will I be here for?"" the pilot asks. ""Eight weeks at the minimum. You broke half the bones in your body on impact dear."" ""Eight weeks?"" The pilot groans. ""Oh quit your whining. We have some of the best doctors in the country working to get you back on your feet."" The nurse then turns to leave. ""Wait. I'm sorry to pester you but could you get me something to drink?"" The pilot asks. ""Sure I'll be right back."" The nurse responds. A few minutes later the nurse comes back with a mug of tea. She hands it to the pilot. He takes a drink and says ""This is amazing! What kind of tea is it?"" ""It's Koala."" ""Really?"" ""Yes."" ""One more thing. Can I get a strainer to take the chunks out?"" The pilot asks. ""Sorry dear but the koala tea of mercy is not strain'd."" " +8463,1,What is the hardest part of rollerblading? What is the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay. (I'm a terrible person.) +8464,4,"An old man was laying on his death bed With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, ""Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!""" +8465,1,"The tater tots I took to my friend's super bowl party.. ​ were just like the Patriots. ​ A little old, but seasoned to perfection..." +8466,0,"Last night, I had an unexpected visitor in my sleep. She came in silently, and slowly she began sucking away. She sucked long and hard until liquid started to fill her mouth, and continued to suck until she couldn't possibly suck out anymore fluid. Problem was, I woke up this morning, and all around the spot she was sucking is red and itchy. Stupid fucking mosquito. " +8467,2,I dropped a pencil in the bathroom. I guess you can say I dropped a number 2. +8468,0,What is a 3 two letter word that means 'small'? Is it in? +8469,2,"Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true? Husband: To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers" +8470,3,"Genie: What's your first wish? Steve: I wish I was rich Genie: What's your second wish, Rich?" +8471,3,I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition Fuck knows where i came. +8472,0,What did the Roman busker say to the living statue? Carpe juggler. +8473,2,"Eggs, blowjob, wife, and meat. Which one doesn’t belong? Well you can beat you eggs, you can beat your wife, and you can beat your meat... but you can’t beat a blowjob!" +8474,0,Why do football players take a knee before games? They are usually too exhausted after beating up their wives. +8475,0,"So my cousin reminded me of the ""saying"" girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider and so on. After thinking about it I thought venus is the only planet, other than earth, that is associated with a woman. Aphrodite. So my proposed riddle is this... Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, girls go to venus to get more penis." +8476,1,"The Diner's Challenge A connoisseur is looking for new restaurants to visit and notices one that promises to be able to serve the meat of any animal. He thinks it's a hoax but decides to give it a try anyway. He enters the restaurant and is seated at a table with fine white tablecloth and expensive-looking silverware. The waiter hands him a menu filled with descriptions of strange and exotic dishes: elephant cutlets, lion chops, yak's tongue, anaconda brains, and the like. The connoisseur decides to give the chef a real challenge and order off the menu. He tells the waiter, ""I'd like a gnu steak, prepared in whatever manner the chef recommends."" The waiter agrees and after a while returns with a sizzling slab of meat on a silver platter. At the conclusion of his meal, the waiter asks the diner, ""Was everything to your satisfaction, sir?"" ""The steak was excellent,"" replies the connoisseur. ""However, I don't know what meat that was, but it was definitely not gnu."" ""That's true,"" the waiter confesses, ""but I think you'll agree it was as good as gnu.""" +8477,0,"Playing bidge is a bit like being in a romantic relationship You either need a very good partner, or a very good hand." +8478,0,My wife was feeling frisky before work today. She said “give me a foot and make it hurt!” So I banged her twice and punched her in the mouth. +8479,3,"I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people Ba dum, tiss" +8480,5,"You can determine the gender of an ant by throwing it in a puddle of water If it sinks it’s a girl ant, but if it floats it’s a boy ant" +8481,0,Vacuums are very good at their jobs... And yet they really suck at it too +8482,0,When two scene people get together... ...they become a sight. +8483,0,"There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't." +8484,1,Where do you buy slaves these days? The black market +8485,0,"Blonde asked the neighbor for a job to make some extra cash He said ok, you can paint the porch... 30 min later she said all done! He said wow’ that was quick. She said yeah, I think you you’ll be impressed When I was done painting the Porsche, I painted the Lexus too!" +8486,1,How to piss off an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him to determine the period. +8487,1,A Star Wars story... *In another dimension* Darth Vader just killed Anakin. Obi-Wan came in and said: 'Are you serious?' Darth Vader replied: 'Nah man I'm just choking' +8488,1,"The Romans executed tens of thousands by crucifixion, and... you're just gonna assume the guy on my necklace is Jesus?" +8489,10,"An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, ""Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."" Reflecting, the man says, ""I'll take the wisdom"" ""Wisdom is yours,"" says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, ""I should have taken the money.""" +8490,0,"A russian Man, A english man and a korean man There were three men that worked on a building site the contractor came over to the workers and he said to the russian man ""get me some bricks"" the russian man said okay he said to the english man ""get me some cement "" the english man replied okay next he went to the korean man and asked him for supplies the korean man nodded his head. The next day he came through the building site once more he asked the russian for the bricks he showed him the stack he had collected he asked the englidh man for the cement the english man showed him a bucket of cement, ""where is the korean?"" he asked he couldnt find him anywhere after a hour of searching he walked into his office as the korean man shouted ""SUPPLIES!""" +8491,1,"Bert says ""Hey Ernie, you want to go get some ice cream?"" Ernie says ""sure bert""" +8492,1,"Don’t judge a book by its cover. Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one." +8493,1,Since Ben Affleck has played Daredevil and Batman Does that make him blind as a bat? +8494,0,You can lead a horse to water... but Sarah Jessica Parker prefers wine. +8495,0,What does NASA stand for? American Dyslexia Association +8496,2,RIP boiled water you will be mist +8497,0,Why does Santa only come once a year? Because the rest of the year he’s in prisons for over a billion counts of breaking and entering. +8498,0,"What kind of bird can divide by two? ""Tou""-can" +8499,1,"A Farmer and married lady were sitting at a bar While chatting, the Farmer explained to the married lady how being a Farmer has been quite the struggle. ""Just this month 10 of my 12 hens haven't laid a single egg!"" The lady then replies ""You think that's tough? Try being married to a man and not being able to bear him any children..."" The Farmer realizing he's hit a touchy subject apologizes to the lady. The lady then asks the Farmer how he plans on tackling his hen problem. The Farmer replies ""I guess I'll get a new cock"" The lady replies ""ME TOO!""" +8500,1,I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I know they're taking mugshots. +8501,4,"Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar, behind every door someone tells you to fuck off" +8502,0,My wife is a vegetarian dare devil She likes to live life on the veg. +8503,2,"When you die, which part of your body will decay last? Your pupils... because they die late." +8504,2,Why was oedipus against profanity Because he kisses his mother with that mouth +8505,0,"A boy and his grandpa are fishing... When the grandpa pulls out a beer. The boy says, ""grandpa, can I have one of those?"" Grandpa says, ""does your dick reach your asshole?"" The boy says, ""no...."" Grandpa says, ""once your dick can touch your asshole, you can have a beer."" A little while later the boy pulls out a bag of cookies. Grandpa says, ""can I have one of those?"" Boy says, ""does your dick reach your asshole?"" Grandpa says, ""of course!"" Boy says, ""well in that case you can go fuck yourself before you get any of MY cookies!""" +8506,0,The Chinese restaurant's new directional signage... ...was dim-sum-pointing. +8507,0,Why do you call a person with 3 legs? Mutated +8508,2,How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster? Kick the toaster in a swimming pool. +8509,2,"If two Vegans are in a fight... Is it still considered a ""beef""?" +8510,2,"My friend accidentally shot off his toes. He told me to take him to the hospital,But I can't I'm Lack-toes-intolerant." +8511,0,I've been getting way too deep into the Prague Surrealist movement lately. I think I need a Reality Czech. +8512,0,Two Rons... ...don't make a Dwight +8513,0,What's a neckbeard's favorite metal? m'ladium +8514,2,"The English Teacher in India Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an ""I"". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an ""I"". Always put 'am' after an ""I"". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." +8515,0,"A Nord asks his friend, ""How is your wife?"" The other Nord replies, ""Oh she's in bed with laryngitis."" ""Is that Argonian Bastard back in town again?! "" ​" +8516,0,What does a hermaphroditic scot wear? A polysporran. +8517,2,"I heard Orville Redenbacher served in the Army. They called the guy under him ""Lieutenant Kernel""." +8518,2,What did the pyromaniac say to the love of his life? You're a perfect match +8519,1,"My grandpa decided to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead. As tears streamed down his face, he said, ""I don't know where he went."" I said, ""You forgot to take him with you, he's sleeping on the sofa."" " +8520,0,How did the cow buy his weed? He *moo* a guy. +8521,0,"Doctor, doctor every time I see inflatable flotation devices, I start to burn up. Doc: I'm afraid you have dinghy fever." +8522,3,"What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend? ""IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE""" +8523,1,Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it. +8524,3,"Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'" +8525,4,On a scale of 1 to 10 How old is your girlfriend? +8526,0,What do you call a socially aware character from Star Wars? A Wokie. +8527,7,"A Polish joke translated to english Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great. ""This looks amazing"" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven. The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint. He calls the second guy: ""Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!"" Second guy - ""Yeah, me too.""" +8528,0,My girlfriend and I have our anniversary today.... I guess you could say that the whole relationship is built on a joke. +8529,1,"When geese are flying in a V, why is it that one side is always longer than the other? There's more geese on that side" +8530,1,What's green and gets red by the press of a button? A frog inside a mixer +8531,0,Why did hitler commit suicide... He saw the gas bill +8532,0,Why do women usually marry in white? To match the colour of the dishwasher and washing machine. +8533,2,"Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why? Man's not hot." +8534,3,Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years. Never knew he was a dentist. +8535,0,What do you call a man with an ice pick in his head? Anything you want - he clearly doesn't control the security apparatus of the Soviet state. +8536,2,"What's the difference between a traffic light and a vagina? With a vagina you can go on when it's red, but you should definately stop when it's green." +8537,1,Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? To get a long little doggy! +8538,1,"I would be great at math, but My Asian friend would call it cultural appropriation." +8539,6,"How do you find out the gender of a cat? Easy. You kick it in the ass. If she runs away, it's a girl. But if he runs away, it's a boy." +8540,2,I apologize if I've already joked about swordsmanship. I don't mean to riposte. +8541,2,My girlfriend asked me what rhymes with orange. I told her it doesn’t +8542,2,I saw a film about the fall of the USSR It was a blocbuster +8543,2,"The Alabama doctor was doing an exam. He said to the girl, ""Big breaths."" She said, ""Yeah, and I'm only thixteen.""" +8544,1,"[NSFW] Chicago citizens surveyed on sex in showers In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet." +8545,0,"Why does Dustin Hoffman like taking showers? Cuz it's like rain, man!" +8546,3,"What does a burnt pizza , a frozen beer and a pregnant lady have in common? One dumbass who forgets to pull out in time" +8547,0,The inventor of the jug died today. Tributes have been pouring in. +8548,0,If Eminem were a feminist... ...he would be called Feminem. +8549,4,What concert costs .45 cents? 50 Cent with Nickleback +8550,1,What kind of hair do they sell at Denny’s? Eggstentions +8551,1,"HOT AIR BALLOON One day an American, Asian and an Australian were in a hot air balloon when they started to fall so the pilet said ""each of you need to throw out one thing you have too much of"". So the American started by throwing out hamburgers saying "" we have too many of these in our country"". Then the Asian went and through out noodles saying "" we have too many of these in our country"". Then last the Australian through out the Asian saying ""we have too many of these in our country""." +8552,1,Whats the difference between a jew and Santa? The direction they take through the chimney. +8553,3,I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight And a pop up asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question? +8554,0,Why was Beethoven unpopular with the ladies? He finished in three movements. +8555,2,I was so late to the cannibal banquet. They gave me a cold shoulder. +8556,0,"The Christmas Necklace A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the cell phone. When he answered, his wife said “ Where are you, you know we have lots to do.” He said; ""You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?” Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… ""Yes, I do remember that shop."" she replied. ""Well I am in the gun shop next door to that.""" +8557,0,What do you call a Vietnamese man who can't even afford to eat supper every day? Ngo Dinh Diem +8558,4,My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna. I got a heat stroke. +8559,0,"A termite walks into a bar It asked, ""Is the bartender here?""" +8560,3,"Knock knock Who's there? Noah Noah who? No, uh I got the wrong address " +8561,1,"Josef King was a remarkable man Josef King was a remarkable man. Both his parents died in a car accident when he was just a little boy. He spent his whole childhood in different foster homes, unable to afford any games and living in poverty. One day, as he spent the afternoon begging on the street, he heard a man playing on his harmonica. Fascinated by the sound he never witnessed before, Josef approached the man and asked if he may try to play this instrument as well. The Man let him play, and it was the first time in his whole life that Josef was truly happy. The next day, the same guy came to Josef an donated a harmonica to him. Josef practiced every day and his wounderful melodies brought joy to his foster home. One day, the director of a company walked past Josef playing on the street for a cheering crowd and decided to hire this young man full of self confidence and happiness. Now Josef is leading the company and he has married a beautiful wife, Mary. Occupying a leading role all the time, he realised that it actually helped him to relax when his wife was ordering him around. Thus his wife started shouting at him without any particular reason because she wanted to see him smile and help him relax. They both had forgotten about Josef's identical twin brother John. He didn't have as much luck as Josef after they got separated and was still living in poverty. When he heard about the success of his brother, he decided to swap roles with him to be able to enjoy such a glorius life as well. As Josef was on his way home from the office, John pulled him into an alley, holding a knife on his throat. He then tied Josef up and took his clothes. When John arrived at Josefs house, the wife was preparing the meal. She sensed immediatly that something was wrong because her husband was behaving differently. She decided to cheer him up by screaming at him: Why didn't you bring the tomatoes like i asked you in the morning? In this moment, looking into the startled face of her husband trying to find an excuse why he didn't buy tomatoes, Mary realised that the man standing in front of her was actually not her husband. Because the real Joe K.'s always into commands." +8562,1,"What do Pink Floyd, Kurt Cobain and Princess Diana all have in common? ....all of their last hits were the wall" +8563,0,"When bald people wash there face, How far up do they go?" +8564,0,How are a singularity and a African woman's ass the same? They're both black holes that suck up everything. +8565,2,Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can? It's just soda pressing +8566,1,Never trust a boner. They're dicks at heart. +8567,3,"A koala walks into a barber shop A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, ""Can eucalyptus?"" " +8568,2,"Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end... He’ll die" +8569,2,Toxic masculinity is not a problem or even a thing and im ready to fight anyone who disagrees with me. +8570,3,What are Mexicans favorite sport? Cross-country +8571,0,It's been more than 10 hours Bungie Studios has gone independent. Can't believe Destiny still has bugs. I want my money back. +8572,2,What’s a Mathematician’s best friend? Absolute units +8573,0,"A guy is walking on the beach He spots an old brass lamp in the sand, rubs the sand off and a genie appears, offering him 3 wishes. His first wish is for a billion dollars: Poof! A Billion dollars appears on the beach. His second wish is for a huge mansion, Poof! the mansion appears. Feeling great, the man looks around and spots a beautiful woman on a towel; he says ""OK, I want to be between her legs right now"", and Poof! the genie makes the guy into a tampon." +8574,0,"At the bar. > takes shot after shot, > dies. " +8575,1,I've always been a bit odd I literally can't even +8576,0,"I was attending a spoken word session. When the performer finished, it was dead silent. Then I said, “Oh snap”. " +8577,1,How do you catch a unique animal? U neek up on it. +8578,1,"There was another nerd who understood every joke. He would spend all his time reading jokes online, and never he saw a joke he couldn't figure out. One day he saw an advertisement for a competition. The rules were simple, figure out the meaning of several jokes and whoever can do the most wins. Confident in his ability, he decided to participate. Soon, the day of the competition came. However, to his surprise, he couldn't figure out any of the jokes he read. After the competition ended, he went to the organizer of the competition, ranting about how the competition was shit and he couldn't figure out anything. The organizer asked him why he was so sure in his ability. ""Well, I have been reading jokes on the internet for years, and never I couldn't get it. I have probably read every joke there could be"", said the nerd. ""Do you use Reddit?"", asked the organizer. ""Yeah, but why do you ask?"", said the nerd. The organizer sighed, ""Somebody tell him too that all the jokes on r/Jokes are reposts.""" +8579,4,What's the difference between me and a calendar? The calendar has dates. +8580,3,Whats Avogadro's favorite arcade game? Wack a mole. +8581,10,"Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says ""what's your story?"" Caveman says... Bear with me..." +8582,1,"I wanted to teach my kids about American democracy, so I let them choose what food to have dinner. They chose pizza, but I gave them tacos since they didn't live in a swing state. " +8583,2,I just read a book about clocks... It was almost all second hand information. +8584,1,What do you call a black airline pilot from New York A pilot you racist fuck. +8585,2,How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just 1. Feminist screw up everything they touch +8586,4,Darth Vader was the first black guy to..... admit that he's the father +8587,1,What do you call a Gypsy in a white tracksuit? The bride +8588,1,What did the paintbrush say to the artist? Nothing. Paintbrushes don't talk. ​ Weirdo. +8589,0,Don’t you love answering your own questions? I know I do +8590,0,Hitler's showers are special... they ethnically cleanse people +8591,0,Where did Noah keep the bees? The archives. +8592,5,IF JFK taught me one thing... The best way to clear your head is to take a ride in your car. +8593,2,"My girlfriend said we should sit in the bath with candles. I said, ""Water would probably make more sense.""" +8594,2,"You know what they say; Your body is a temple, make sure you charge people for entrance." +8595,0,What do you call an original idea on Reddit? A repost. +8596,0,Bananas for the blind... I don’t see the appeal +8597,1,What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist +8598,4,"How many times a day does a dog bark? About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate." +8599,1,Honeybees make honey. What kind of bees make milk? boobies. +8600,0,"Playstore A friend of mine That is resident in the UK wanted to download an android app and i told him to go to PLAYSTORE, He called after 12 Hours and told me that he has Been driving around searching for PLAYSTORE but to no avail. I told him to take the next available flight to US as the PLAYSTORE near me have limited stock. He is on his way now. " +8601,5,"How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who knows, they never get the house. " +8602,1,"It’s time he knew the truth Wife: it's time he knew the truth Dave: ok. I'll tell him. Wife: promise you'll be gentle ok Dave: I promise [Later during spelling practice] Dave: ok son, your word is 'adopted' [wife sprints into the room and tackles Dave through the coffee table]" +8603,1,"An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first mathematician orders a pint, the second one half a pint, the third one a quarter and so on.. Eventually the barman hands over two pints and says: “You mathematicians don’t know your limits!”" +8604,3,"Little Johnny misses a day at school. He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off. ""Sorry Miss,"" he replied, ""Daddy got burned."" ""Oh dear!"" says the teacher, ""I do hope it wasn't serious"" ""Well Miss,"" he replied, ""they don't fuck about at the crematorium."" " +8605,1,What kind of cookies do monkeys make? Chocolate chimp cookies +8606,1,"What is the difference between Donald Trump and a loud fart? One is a trumpeting asshole, and the other is an asshole trumpeting " +8607,1,I’m all about the future and try plant as many seeds as i can in public. Unfortunately i am now a registered sex offender +8608,1,I wasn't hiding anything until my friend asked me what I was hiding 14 times. Now I have a dead body to hide... +8609,1,Teachers: “Procrastination is bad!” Theresa May: “Hold my government” +8610,3,What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom? Fuckin' nothin'. +8611,0,"A conversation between my girlfriend and I that I consider the magnum opus of comedy. So I was driving down I4 with my girlfriend. And we come across the sign that says Boardwalk Burgers. So I turn to my girlfriend and I say ""Boardwalk Burgers? More like bored burgers. Because those burgers aren't having any fun.""" +8612,0,"Three farm workers got in over their heads when they climbed into 18,000-liter liquid manure tank and were overcome by the fumes. Pronounced dead at the scene, the bodies were removed from the tank by firefighters wearing air tanks. The precise cause of the deaths to be determined, however, police believe the men were killed by inhaling deadly methane gas when they climbed into the partially full tank to repair a faulty part. *Talk about killer shit!*" +8613,3,"There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage... ...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage. So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised. The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the voyage. Upon returning home, he realized that he had a huge barrel filled with ""excess"", so he sold it to a candle maker. After the next voyage, he returned to the candle maker offering another barrel for sale. ""NO WAY"" said the candle maker ""Why not"" asked the captain ""didn't it make good wax?"" ""Sure it did, the candles were excellent"" ""So then, whats the problem?"" ""Well,"" replied the candlemaker.... ""you see that convent up on the hill? It's full of pregnant nuns!""" +8614,1,I gave my wife the scales for the St. Valentine's day She gave me a ruler. +8615,0,"I’ve heard that vaccines cause AIDS... When in reality, they are aids. " +8616,2,"Doctor: """"If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese."" ""Do you understand what this means?"" Woman: ""Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now.""" +8617,2,"I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex. She said, ""Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?""" +8618,0,What do you get when Ireland fucks Italy? Philadelphia +8619,3,"What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine? ""I can't believe it's not Buddha.""" +8620,2,My American friend came over to the uk to see me. After his first day out he said to me “I was really nice and held elevator doors open for a spastic today”. I very quickly told him that this kind of language would not fly in the u.k. – we call them lifts… +8621,5,"Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA... Avengers... Assemble" +8622,0,Critics are calling the new 'It' movie horrorble. But I didn't think it was too terrorble. +8623,1,Why aren't Hungarians worried about the prospect of starving in a Zombie apocalypse? Well there will always be Ghoul hash. +8624,1,My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING? +8625,1,"A blonde walks into a bar... and asks the bartender to lineup 7 shots. He does, and then the blonde takes the 1st shot and dumps it on the floor. Then the blonde picks up the last shot, and does the same. The bartender, peeved that he has to mop it up, asks indignantly, ""What the hell?! Why did you do that?"" The blonde replies, ""Well, the first one always tastes like shit, and the last one always makes me sick!""" +8626,2,"I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet. It turns out she was a slo-vak. " +8627,2,“You remember my friend that works for the Salvation Army?” Nah.. it’s not ringing any bells. (Don’t kill me for this) +8628,2,How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb One... but the lightbulb has to want to change. +8629,0,"A guy comes to a passport office in a communist country -Good morning. I need to get a passport, because I want to go to USA to help my brother. He has a farm there, but he became blind, so he cannot live alone. -I see. It would be better if your brother sold his farm and traveled here, so he can live with you -I told you that my brother got blind, not crazy!" +8630,1,"A man is walking through the market one day. He hears a man yelling, ""Get your dam fish here!"" The man is puzzled and asks the man, ""Why are you saying such bad things about these fish?"" The fish vendor laughs and says, ""No no, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the dam."" ""Oh I see,"" exclaimed the man, ""I'll take some dam fish."" The man walks home and tells his wife, ""Honey, can you cook these dam fish for dinner?"" The wife looks surprised and says to her husband, ""Why are you using such explicit words?"" The man laughs and says, ""No honey, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the damn."" The wife laughs and says, ""Oh I see, I'll cook these dam fish."" Later at dinner the man says to his son, ""Son, can you pass the dam fish?"" The sons says, ""That's the spirit Dad!"" He passes the dam fish to his Dad. ""Can you pass me the fucking potatoes?"" Edit: I don't know the original author of this joke, but I heard it from my brother and wanted to share" +8631,3,My friend was too afraid to lose her virginity So I just gave her a friendly tip +8632,2,"Two lions spoke at a funeral... First lion sighed and said: ""I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."" Second lion nodded and bowed his head: ""Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!""" +8633,0,Have you seen the movie about constipation? Oh wait - it hasn’t come out yet! +8634,2,"Similarity between beggars and software engineers When two beggars meet each other and two software engineers meet each other after a long time, the question asked is the same . On which platform are you working these days?" +8635,7,If I don’t perfect Human Cloning... ...I won’t be able to live with myself +8636,5,"I went to a dance. First they played 'Jump', and I jumped. Then they played 'The Twist', and I twisted. Then they played 'Come On Eileen', and I got kicked out." +8637,0,What do you call a bird's sex toy? A cloacing device +8638,1,Why couldn't the witch get pregnant? Her husband had a Hallow-weiner and crystal balls. +8639,0,"Two pilots are coming in for landing Two pilots are coming in for landing and then they see the runway ""HOLY MOLY!"" screams one pilot ""The runway is so SHORT!"" screamed the other ""We're not going to make it"" said one pilot ""Apply full brakes and reverse thrust as soon as we hit the tarmack."" replied the other pilot As soon as the plane hit the ground the pilots applied full brake power and reverse thrust and the plane only just goes off the end of the runway. ""Oh my gosh! We did it!"" Shouted one pilot ""Boy, That runway sure was short but was it ever WIDE."" " +8640,5,"Dad Knowing the Laws... Dad: Have you heard of Murphy's Law? Son: Yes, if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Dad: Yes! Have you heard of Cole's Law? Son: Actually, no. What's that? Dad: Thinly sliced cabbage." +8641,3,"A plane runs out of gas mid flight... While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says ""I helped fly the plane, so I should get one."" The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The copilot says ""me too!"" And jumps out behind him. Abraham Lincoln declares ""I helped rid the world of slavery, so I should get one."" Lincoln jumps out. Bono gives a peace sign, takes one, and exits. George Bush says ""I'm the smartest man in the world, I should get one!"" And he jumps out. The boy and girl look at each other and the girl says ""Well, there is only one left, how should we decide who gets it?"" The boy replies ""No, there are two."" ""What are you talking about?"" Says the girl. The boy lifts up 2 parachutes and says ""The smartest man in the world took my backpack.""" +8642,1,"My son likes rap music, but he's only 7 so when he asks what certain words mean, I lie.... for example, when rappers talk about ""weed"" they're just talking about the weeds in their grass... and when they ""smoke weed"" that just means they're killing the weeds in their lawn... his favorite line is ""HEY HEY HEY HEY... Smoke Weed Everyday"".... I had to explain to him that it's by Nate Dogg. Nate being short for Nature of course, because he loves gardening... which is why he has so many hoes. I hadn't cut our own grass for a while and it's starting to get long... my son came up to me the other day and said, ""Dad, you need to smoke some weed!""" +8643,0,"Two stutterers are playing basketball Two stutterers are playing basketball and the guy with the ball says: ""Ffffffffffaul!"" The other guy says:""Nnnnnno wwwwway!"" The first guy asks:""Wwwwwwwhy?"" The second guy says: ""Yyyyyuo called it too late.""" +8644,6,"A group of three men were sitting together... When one asked "" What would you do if you had 5 minutes to live?"" The second man responds by saying ""If I had 5 minutes I would fu*k anything that moved"" When the third man was asked what he would do he replied "" I would stand very still for 5 minutes""" +8645,0,What is the dumbest cleaning product? Thick Bleach +8646,0,"My ex asked me for time away from me. I decided to give her distance as well. So that she could calculate speed, and do something useful with her life." +8647,3,Why does Batman wear dark colors? So Batman doesn’t get shot Why does Robin wear bright colors? So Batman doesn’t get shot +8648,1,"Two blond cowboys... Two blond cowboys (duke and matt) walk into a saloon. While they are at the bar, a man walks in and put an Indian head on the bar. The bartender hands the man $100. The two blond cowboys ask why. The bartender says. ""Indians killed my family. I'll pay a $100 for every Indian head brought to me."" The two cowboys decide to get some money. They ride out on the Prarie and spot an indian. They begin chasing him and he falls into a ravine. They see he is dead so they climb down to retrieve his head. Duke begins sawing. Matt looks up and taps duke on the shoulder. Duke looks around with his mouth hanging open. Hundreds of Indians lined the ravine in full war paint. Duke says ""oh my god... we are gunna be rich!""" +8649,0,I went to see street comedy in Paris. It was a riot. +8650,0,Wanna hear a joke? Women's athletics. +8651,2,"Dad Joke My dad - who was a chef - always referred to the cheese knife as ""the lesser implement"". Once I was going to ask him ""Dad, what's the greater implement?"" but I just stopped myself in time." +8652,0,"A blonde finds out her husband is cheating ""I... I didn't mean to, I wasn't thinking!"" exclaims her husband. _____ ""You weren't thinking?"" she asked, ""No shit!"" ""That's the last **fucking** straw"" _____ ""Honey I'm sorry!"" _____ She screams, I've **had it** with you!"" *grabs a pistol from the dresser* _____ Shocked her husband timidly questions, ""Woah, what are you doing with that?"" ""I was drunk, but you really need to put that gun d..."" _____ ""**SHUT THE FUCK UP**"" she interrupts. ""I can't take your shit anymore!"" *raises the gun* ""After me, **you're next**!"" *gun fires*" +8653,1,What happens when a god dies and no one knows? [Infinity War Spoliers] They're loki dead +8654,2,"After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner. She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about his food, so he has to keep cooking. Eventually, he gets fed up, and starts deliberately making terrible food. He over salts everything, burns the meat, makes the vegetables soggy, but still, nobody complains. Finally, at his wits end, he goes out into the woods and scoops up a few pounds of moose droppings. He brings them home and deep fries them in motor oil. When he serves this awful mess to his family, he can see the revolted looks on their faces, but nobody says a thing. Finally, after choking down a bite, one of his sons can't take it anymore. ""God dammit, dad this tastes like moose shit friend in motor oil!"" The dad smiles and claps his hands, but before he can say anything, his son continues. ""...but in a GOOD way!""" +8655,0,What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out. +8656,5,New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. This is my first time. Please be gentle. +8657,2,A man in a wheelchair stole my camo jacket. He can hide but he can’t run. +8658,0,Your so ugly The ai who's sole purpose was to love you rebelled against its programming. +8659,1,"You have three eyes, two noses and two mouths. What are you? ugly." +8660,2,How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew. +8661,3,Beating your wife isn't a joke It's a punchline. +8662,1,"The telephone rings in quiet suburban British home... A woman answers ""Hello"" immediately she hears heavy breathing and fapping sounds. Then a mans voice says in a low creepy gravel tone "" Uughhhh I bet you have a fat...hairy...smelly....CUNT!?"" To which she cheerfully replies ""Yes! He's just watching telly now. Would you like to speak with him?" +8663,3,"The World's Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon a time a young man asked the fairest lady in the village to marry him. She looked him up and down and said ""No."" He lived happily ever after." +8664,3,"I named my son ""Tennis"" but he doesn't mind being bullied about it. He's a good sport really. " +8665,2,What’s the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball? I don’t have a freezer full of bowling balls in my basement. +8666,8,If I spank Dwayne Johnson... does that mean I hit Rock bottom? +8667,6,There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. +8668,3,What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other? A speech impediment. +8669,1,Why did the judge take the criminal to the movies? So he could get him to ‘Admit One’ +8670,0,"A camel and an elephant... ... is sitting at a bar. Suddenly the elephant says, ""How come your tits are on your back?"" The camel quickly replies, ""Shut up dickface."" Edit: spelling" +8671,2,"Lil Johnny & the Bet Lil Johnny’s teacher had been warned never to make a bet with him unless she was absolutely sure she would win. One day Lil John came up to her and bet $50 that he could guess the color of her panties. The teacher thought for a moment and then said, “sure, come see me after class and we will find out.” The teacher is pretty sure she can win, but just to be safe she went to the bathroom and took off her panties out from under her skirt then went back to class. After class Lil John went up to her and she told him he could guess now. Lil Johnny thought for a few seconds then guessed blue. The teacher smiled and said no. Lil John asked her to prove it, the teacher lifted up her skirt to prove that she was not wearing panties. Lil Johnny said, “okay you won fair and square, come out to my dad’s car he will have your $50.” When they got out to the teacher explained that his son had made a bet with her that he could guess the color of her panties and lost and that she proved it by showing him that she had none on. The dad said, “that little shit, he bet me $100 this morning that he would see his teacher without clothes on by the end of the day.”" +8672,0,How much does trumps life insurance cost One pence Disclaimer Admittedly stolen from the comments of r/askreddit +8673,1,"I'd like some lettuce on my burger. Cashier: Sir, can you spell the ""tom"" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M. Cashier: OK Can you spell the ""fuck"" in lettuce? Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce! Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce. An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend at the register this joke. I thought it was hilarious. I like to think everytime somewhere is out of lettuce he gets excited to tell this joke haha Edit: It's supposed to sounds like ""There is no fuckin lettuce.""" +8674,0,At a US political convention at midnight Trump : I have bad news and good news... Advisor : What are the bad news? Trump : Minor girls prostitution rates are raising fast. Advisor : And the good news ? Trump : **calling his driver and smiling** They're cheap. +8675,2,"Apparently Tesla is producing a new cologne that acts as a strong pheromone, They're calling it, ""Elon's Musk""" +8676,0,The great thing about being bulimic is you can eat your cake and have it too. +8677,1,If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection... Well that's private +8678,1,What's the difference between an adoption and an abortion? An abortion still leaves me sexually frustrated. +8679,0,"Part 1. ""Jesus wants to be in you."" A comfort saying in church... Part 2. ""Ever since Jesus come into my life... Part 3. ""Jesus touched me in a personal way.. Part 1. A reason for concern in a Mexico Penitentiary. Part 2. ... my lawn has been well maintained."" Part 3. ..then Juan tried to touch me. It was creepy. I'll never go to that Tijuana bar again."" " +8680,2,"A teacher once told me... True story: Remember that ‘Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ bullshit?? Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said ‘Miss, I don’t think that’s right.’ My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I threw a dictionary at her." +8681,2,How does a phone get drunk? It takes screenshots +8682,2,How come you never see cows hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it +8683,1,"A man flies to Boston on a business trip. He gets in a cab at the airport and he asks the driver ""Say, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"" And the cabdriver says, ""You know, I musta bin asked that question a thousand times, but never before in the pluperfect subjunctive.""" +8684,0,Yo momma is like a glass of mustard. Every man already had his sausage inside. +8685,3,"A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. And that was just the first guy. " +8686,2,Taxes are like antibacterial gel. They only effective against the 99% +8687,0,"Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy" +8688,1,You know what's funny? An adjective. +8689,0,How do you catch the princess? Slay all the dragons along the way +8690,0,What happened to the terrorist who stuck his bomb up his arse? His inbox went BOOM. +8691,0,Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. +8692,1,It annoys me when people don’t proliferate on reddit. Proofread* +8693,0,"Can we please start a ‘what do you call a man with no arms and no legs’ thread? New ones! We all know Art, Bob, Russell and Matt. Let’s meet some new ones!" +8694,2,"Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day... and asks ""Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"" ""Of course not"" says the teacher. ""Good,"" says Little Johnny, ""cause I didn't do my homework.""" +8695,0,I just lost my left arm and left leg in an accident. I'm all right now. +8696,0,How did Christopher Columbus 'discover' America? By occident +8697,2,What is yellow and turns red when you push the button? Duckling in a blender. +8698,0,"What does a gay chicken say? Nothing; chickens cluck, they don't speak." +8699,2,How do you know your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. +8700,3,"2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse, 2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene, they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain. ""Captain we have a murder here"" ""what happened?"" ""a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"" ""well, have you arrested her yet?"" ""Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet.""" +8701,2,"Saint? You had one job, Kardashian-West family. Go make another kid, and this time name it Wild Wild." +8702,0,"A man hears nothing but good things about a genie... So he travels up to the genie, and outside of genie’s building are people shooting money out of their hands, dancing, and having a good time, so he goes inside and the genie asks him what his first wish is. “My first wish is to be a rich oil man” and \\*poof\\* the genie winces at the man and suddenly one of the man’s arms start rotating clockwise and won’t stop. The man stumbles outside and starts screaming, look, look what the genie did to me. The people yell back at him, “You’re racist, genie is a great thing!” So he goes back inside to trust the genie and the genie asks him for his second wish. “My second wish is for my rotating arm to be back to normal” and \\*poof\\* the other man’s arm starts rotating and won’t stop. The man goes outside and yells “Look!”, “Will somebody please look at what the genie did to me!” but they yell back “You’re racist! The genie is a great thing!” So the man has no choice but to go back inside to the genie, he is pot committed at this point, and the genie asks him what his third wish will be. “My third wish is for peace on Earth and everybody to be nice to each other.” and \\*poof\\* just like that the man’s head was bobbing back and forth like a chicken’s and wouldn’t stop." +8703,3,"A Frenchman and an Englishman have a bet over who is the most virile A Frenchman and an Englishman on a business trip start talking at a pub and pretty soon the conversation turns to which one of them is the most virile. They decide to make a bet. Each one will pick up a woman at the bar, take her back to his hotel room, and in the morning they will compare notes to see who did it the most times. So the Englishman starts talking to the lady at the next table. They hit it off and pretty soon they are back in his hotel room. They make wild passionate love, and the Englishman rolls over and marks a ""1"" on a notepad by the bed. After a short rest, the couple goes at it again. When they are done, the Englishman rolls over and marks another ""1"" on the notepad. After an hour or so, the couple makes love again. The Englishman, feeling very proud of himself, rolls over and marks another ""1"" on the notepad. They both fall asleep. In the morning the Frenchman knocks on their hotel room door. The Englishman lets him in and shows him the notepad. The Frenchman looks at the notepad and says ""Mon dieu! One hundred and eleven! Three more than me!""" +8704,9,What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red. +8705,6,"A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day. After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say ""if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"" ""If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"" He would keep going until he departed the bus, much to the drivers annoyance. The next day the kid sits on the bus and sat right behind the driver and started again. ""If my mommy was a giraffe and my daddy was a giraffe, i would be a little giraffe!"" ""If my mommy was a piggy and my daddy was a piggy i would be a little piggy!"" The bus driver had just about had enough but decided to not say anything this day. The next day the boy gets on the bus and sits behind the driver and starts again. ""If my mommy was a goose and my daddy was a goose, i would be a little goose!"" ""If my mommy was a lion and my daddy was a lion i would be a little lion!"" The bus driver finally looses it and stops the bus. He turns around to the child and shouts ""WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE AND YOUR FATHER WAS A DRUNK?"" The kid smiles at him and says ""then I'd be a bus driver.""" +8706,1,What does MARTYR stand for? Well he isn’t standing for anyone anymore. +8707,4,"Little Johnny was 5 years old and born blind. Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, ""Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight"". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to pray, as his mum leaves the room. Just as she is about to close the door Jonny asks, ""mum, will God really give me my sight?"". ""Yes Jonny, but only if you pray extra hard"". An hour or so later, the mum pops her head around the door and sees Jonny still praying, ""Oh God. Please let me see. I want to see my mummy for the very first time. I am sure that she's the prettiest mummy in the whole wide world."" A few more hours later the mother goes into Jonny's room and sees him slumped over the bed, hands still clasped together. She puts him to bed. The following day the mother gets up early and rushes to her sons room where he's still sleeping. She covers his eyes with her hands and gently wakes him. Super excited Jonny says to his mum, ""mummy move your hands, I want to see, I want to see"". ""Are you ready Jonny?"" The mum replies. """"Yes, yes mummy. Move your hands"". So the mother removes her hands. Jonny blinks and opens his eyes. ""Mummy, mummy, I still can't see. Oh, mummy does God hate me? Mummy I can't see"". Jonny's mum beams a great big smile and says ""April fools""." +8708,0,I'm in a long-distance relationship My girlfriend lives in the future. +8709,1,How is space? Full of itself. +8710,0,Whats the difference between a Pimple and a Catholic Priest? One will wait until you're 13 to come all over your face. +8711,2,Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem. +8712,1,"What are you doing when, drunk at the bar, you're making theories about stuff you have no clue about ? Counter intelligence" +8713,0,What do you say about the Russian who's 10 minutes late? He's running on CCC.P.T. +8714,2,"I played Monopoly with my family, and I won easily, but it wasn't that fun I like being mentally challenged " +8715,1,"True Story. I was at the cinema last night.. and my girlfriend whispered to me ""I think the guy sitting next to me is masturbating!!"" I said ""ignore him, he'll soon stop"" She said ""I can't! He's using my hand!!""" +8716,5,"A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, ""Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ""Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, ""I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice.""" +8717,0,Why can men run faster than women? They have a stick shift and ball bearings. Credit: someone on the third grade playground. Heh +8718,0,What's an anorexic girls favorite thing to do with her hair? Dye it. +8719,1,"After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away. It's my newt now." +8720,2,"I was mad at my best friend, so I poked holes in his condoms... And now my mom is pregnant.." +8721,7,"In a democracy, it's your vote that counts... ...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes." +8722,0,I'm not addicted to cocaine I just like the song. +8723,0,Why did the Chicken cross the road? because 7 8 9 hahahaha +8724,0,"An old man ran a small ice cream shop 7 days a week he worked there. He was running this place ten years and then this child walks in. He asks ""excuse me, do you sell onion flavoured ice cream?"" ""...No."" replied the ice cream seller slightly confused. ""Oh ok."" Said the boy as he left. The next day the boy came back at the exact same time and asked the same question, ""excuse me, do you have onion flavoured ice cream?"" ""No."" Said the ice cream man again. The boy comes back at the same time the next day, asks the same thing, hears the same thing, then leaves. This goes on for weeks until the ice cream guy decides, ""I'm gonna make onion flavoured ice cream!!"" I guess part of him felt bad that this child would come in every day looking for some. So he spent all night perfecting this new onion flavoured ice cream. He was tired but he was happy, felt acomplishment and went into work. The child came in at the same time as always... ""Excuse me, do you have onion flavoured ice cream?"" The ice cream guy has a smile on his face as he says ""Yes."" The kid says ""Wow, you must be retarded, who'd wanna buy that shit?""" +8725,1,What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested? Shot a black man. +8726,3,"A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences... ""In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"" There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle. ""I looked up and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me! I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail!"" At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The pastor finally stands up and says, ""I think I should point out that, 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."" ""Yes, that's true."" says the old pilot. ""But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!""" +8727,1,The only thing I hate more than self deprecating humor... ...is myself. +8728,0,"When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. Just like when I tried to assassinate that guy and I accidentally ate in those two asses." +8729,4,How many mulas till a solution? One mula... Two mula... Three mula... Formula. I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery. +8730,2,Christmas It's only 29 days to Christmas. I fucking hate Christmas. Whoever invented it should be crucified. +8731,0,"Canada post actually delivered a parcel to my house today... Finally, I got the mail enhancement I needed." +8732,2,"Ice Cream...Maybe A penguin went to get his car fixed on a 120 degree day, he was so hot, the mechanic said, ""hey, this is going to take a while, you should go next door and cool off with some ice cream."" The penguin goes next door orders ice cream, the waitress asks, ""would you like a spoon?"" The penguin says, ""no thank you, I will just use my flippers!"" After he eats the ice cream, it is all over his face, he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says, ""it looks like you have blown a seal!"" The penguin says, ""No! This is ice cream!""" +8733,0,"I walked out of the house with my five year old son and he pointed at a dog that was mounting another one and said ""Daddy, what are those dogs doing?"" Uh, one is sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital." +8734,0,My mute girlfriend said i'm good at fucking But i'm not sure about that... +8735,0,"My girlfriend told me to go to the constipation meeting After talking to the guys, turns out we all have a lot in colon." +8736,0,"I celebrate my own version of Groundhog Day If I see my abs, I’ll go out during beach season" +8737,0,Why should you never trust a man with peeling skin? Because he’s flaky. +8738,2,"When I went to jail, i walked up to the biggest guy and punched him as hard as I could. That's the last time my dad played monopoly with me." +8739,1,Wanna swap ass jokes? I've got piles. +8740,1,Difference between a balloon and condom? One blows up the other grows up +8741,0,Why didn't the Egyptian's date go well? Because they had Tutan much in khamun. +8742,0,"Whats the difference between risky children and risky lesbians? One runs when they have scissors, the others scissor when they have runs" +8743,3,I gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it's the most violent book he had ever read. +8744,0,What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common? They pay their debts on time. +8745,2,I remember having a dry ice presentation in middle school. It was sublime. +8746,0,60 people have perished in Athens Sources say they died in a Greece Fire +8747,0,I talked about football to a Feminist My trial starts tuesday! +8748,1,Joke I always wanted a child so I poked holes in the mailman’s condoms. +8749,1,People say I'm odd Sigh I can't even +8750,0,The size of a dot '.' should be smaller than 1 cm ... and larger than a redditor's dick. +8751,1,What is it called when you stab a milkshake? Shakespeare (credit to my brother) +8752,5,"One time, I wrote down so many double entendres... ...I had to rub one out. " +8753,0,What's a menonites favorite raisin? Barn raisin' +8754,7,"A cop pulled someone over Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?" +8755,2,"My dad always told me that if someone hits you, you should hit them back Unfortunately, the kids at school always made me hit myself" +8756,5,What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. +8757,2,Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull? Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture. +8758,1,"A zen monk lived with his master in a cave in the mountains. One day, the monk asked his master why he had such a long beard. ""Well, I have a terrible weakness for young women. I have this long beard, and the women are disgusted by it. So they stay far away from me and I am not tempted by them."" ""But master, we live in a cave in the mountains. There are no women for hundreds of miles!"" ""See how effective it is?""" +8759,2,I really hate being bipolar. It's awesome! +8760,3,"I've been sober for 69 days Not in a row or anything, just total. " +8761,2,"This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone. Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription. " +8762,1,"There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who cannot." +8763,2,"Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter. I like to play Muffin Roulette." +8764,0,"What's your greatest weakness? ""Honesty."" ""I don't think honesty is a weakness."" ""Well I don't give a damn about what *you* think.""" +8765,2,What kind of robot would a transgender person be A transformer. +8766,0,I was surprised to hear Louis C.K. is an introvert... ...considering he’s performed in front of a dozen women +8767,2,"What did the knight say to the turnip? Begone, foul beet!" +8768,0,"A husband lost his sight and his wife is adamant they they do everything they can to get his sight back. ""Honey, it's fine, we don't have the money for that..."" ""No! If I can afford all these expensive dresses, then I can afford a way for you to get your sight back!"" ""That's the thing - I'm fucking sick and tired of you asking me which dress looks better.""" +8769,7,Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool. +8770,3,"Genie's Wish A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, ""Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, ""I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."" They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ""Come on in."" They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ""Are you the people that broke my window?"" ""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,"" the husband replied. ""No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."" ""OK, great!"" the husband said. ""I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."" ""No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"" the genie said, looking at the wife. ""I want a house in every country of the world,"" she said. ""Consider it done,"" the genie replied. ""You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?"" the husband said. ""Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."" The husband looks at the wife and said, ""Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."" The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ""How old is your husband, anyway?"" ""35,"" she replied. ""And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"" " +8771,1,"Doctor, I'm not sure if my wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS A man is talking to his doctor and says, ""Doctor, I'm not sure if my wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS"" The doctor responds, ""Drive her 10 blocks away from your house and if she comes home, don't fuck her""." +8772,0,if she's old enough to bleed she's old enough to have decisions about her healthcare be in the hands of old white men +8773,1,"A guy asks his friend to take care of his mother and his cat while he's out of town. A man asks his friend to take care of his mother and his cat while he's out of town. After a week, the friend calls and says ""I'm really sorry to tell you this, but your cat died."" The man says ""Well, Jesus Christ, you could have broken it to me a little more gently"" The friend says ""what do you mean. What was I supposed to say?"" The man says ""I don't know, you could have told me the cat was stuck in a tree and you couldn't get it down. Then when I got home you could have told me that it ran away when you weren't looking, or something. You've ruined my whole trip."" The friend apologizes and promises that he'll take extra care to make sure that his mother is okay while he's gone. A few more days pass and friend calls the man again. The friend says ""I'm really sorry to tell you this, but your mom's stuck in a tree.""" +8774,3,What´s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre +8775,1,What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody Nose +8776,2,"I am sad, my boyfriend only has one foot Mom: consider yourself lucky, you father only had 6 inches" +8777,9,"In America, dogs are K9. In China, dogs are E10." +8778,0,How did the painter reach the ceiling in the bathroom? He used a stool +8779,1,If I had a dollar for every time a women said I wasn’t attractive enough... I could probably change their minds. +8780,3,"In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically. I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference." +8781,1,"A very wise wizard came up to me while I was struggling to finish my test. I thought he would have helped, but unfortunately he told me that I shall not pass." +8782,1,I went to the space restaurant yesterday Their food was out of this world +8783,4,"I once ate a watch It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds." +8784,1,Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? So their vagina don't get filled with rocks. +8785,0,What do you get when you mix Koala and Tea? My jokes - they are Quality +8786,3,"A man is drowning out at sea A boat comes and asks if he needs any help. “No, no thank you. God will save me!” Is what the drowning man replies. He continues to drown and struggle, with no sign of God. Another boat comes along and asks if the man needs assistance. “Of course not! God will save me!” The man was getting tired by now, and eventually gave up. Once he had passed on and gone to Heaven, he asked God “Why didn’t you save me!” God replied with “I sent you two damn boats, I’m not going to go down each time someone drowns! What do you think the point of Noah’s Arc was?!” (My little brother told me this one and he wouldn’t stop laughing through the delivery)" +8787,1,David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two sexual assaults. Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared. +8788,1,"A Porto citizen dies and goes to Hell The Devil observes that he is comfortable. He says: 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' to which the portuense replies: 'Back in Portugal we usually have lost of forest fires, so this isn't that bad' The devil decides that he isn't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room, the devil finds him in beach-mode drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourself?', to which he replies: 'You should've seen the fires we had last summer, this isn't that bad' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The portuense doesn't mind the heat because he's lived it his full life. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the tripeiro. He gets there and finds him wailling tearing the room to pieces The devil is content with himself: 'I knew it was a risk, but disrupting hell's ecosystem is worth it just to see you mad. I just wonder why it was the cold that did it...' 'It wasn't the cold, dipshit! If hell froze over, than it means benfica finally won another european cup'" +8789,0,My grandma told me that hair is the secret ingredient in her famous carrot cake She says it tastes better when you put real keratin +8790,1,"A man walks into a Pharmacy and asks for cyanide Pharmacist : What do you need it for? Man : I need to kill my wife. Pharmacist : Sorry sir, I can't give you cyanide. Man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a photo of his ugly wife. Pharmacist blushes and replies : I am sorry sir , I didn't realize you have prescription. " +8791,4,How can you tell ignorance from indifference? I don't know and I don't care. +8792,0,There's only one thing I'd rather do than go shopping with the wife. Any +8793,1,This weekend I took my girlfriend to a dog show. She won. +8794,5,My computer beat me at chess... So I beat my computer at kickboxing. +8795,1,There are 10 kinds of people in the world Those who understand binary number system and those who don't. +8796,2,My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support +8797,0,What is only four dollars and a great deal at the Vampire diner? The phlebotomist's cup. +8798,0,"student loans... that's it, that's the joke. It takes like 1000 years to pay off your debt. Longer than it took you to earn your degree." +8799,3,How does Princess Leia masturbate? Hand Solo +8800,1,How do you call it when two boxers are 69ing? They're trading blows +8801,1,What do you call when a robot buys new clothes? A soft wear update +8802,1,"Three homeless men (a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man) see a dead dog in the middle of the road The white man says” Let’s all put in $10 and see who lays down beside the dog the longest and the winner gets the money”. The men agree and put $10 in each. The white man went first and laid down next to the dog.5 minutes pass. Then 10. Then 15. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore” ,and leaves. The Mexican lays down next to the dog. 10 minutes pass.Then 20. Then 30. He finally gets up and says “ I can’t do this anymore”, and leaves. Then the black man lays next to the dog.15 minutes pass.Then 30. Then 45. Then an hour passes.Then the dog gets up and says” I can’t do this any more”, and leaves" +8803,2,Life is like a box of chocolates... It doesn't last long for fat people +8804,0,Where does a vampire keep his Easter treats? In his Easter casket ! +8805,2,"When Donald Trump says he doesn’t have any Russian ties, he isn’t lying. All his ties are made in China." +8806,1,What do you call it when an amoeba commits suicide? Cellpuku +8807,1,What do you call an anorexic hooker with a yeast infection? A Quarter pounder with cheese +8808,0,What do you call a pervert on a shopping spree a MALLester. +8809,0,I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. +8810,2,I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality. +8811,6,Why don't robots have any brothers? They all have transisters. +8812,2,"A guy sees a sign in a window of a house that reads,""talking dog for sale."" Intrigued,he walks in. ""So,what have you done with your life?""He asks the dog. ""I've lived a very full life,""says the dog.""I've lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims.Then I served my country in Iraq.And now I spend my days reading to elderly people in a retirement home."" The guy is flabbergasted.He asks the dogs owner,""Why on Earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible dog like that?"" The owner replies,""The dog is a liar.He never done any of that.""" +8813,3,"Trump: “Sleeping with 28 year-olds is amazing.” Epstein: “Yeah, especially since there are 20 of them!”" +8814,0,"Happy Jew Bear! Sincerely, The autocorrect team" +8815,4,"Three hillbillies are at work... They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!” Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plastic bag and headed to the hospital to get it reattached. A few weeks later Cletus is back at work. Billy-Bob tells Bubba and Cletus he was reading some more of the health plan booklet. He tells them if they lose an arm at work they’ll get $10,000. Later that day, Bubba and Cletus cut off Billy-Bob’s arm. They went and collected their $10,000, put the arm in a plastic bag and headed to the hospital to get it reattached. A few weeks later Billy-Bob was back at work. Bubba was eating his lunch and reading some more of the new health plan. He was amazed at what he had just read and ran off to tell Billy-Bob and Cletus. He told them that if they got decapitated at work they would get $100,000. They were ecstatic! That would be enough money for them all to retire. Later that day they cut off Bubba’s head. They went and collected their $100,000, put the head in plastic bag and headed to the hospital. A few hours later the doctor came out. “Sorry fellas, I wasn’t able to save Bubba’s head.” he said. “Why not?” asked Cletus, “You were able to reattach my finger!” “Yeah!” said Billy-Bob, “You were able to reattach my arm!” He looked at them both, “Well ya see, you put Bubba’s head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”" +8816,0,"A mexican time traveler from the year 3000 travels to 2025 to tell everyone how the world ends. As soon as he arrives at 2017, he hops off his time travel ship and is immideatly confronted by a bunch of armed troops. ""We will deport you back to your country!"" one of the masked trooper says. ""What? You can't do that! I'm a time traveler and I have useful information!"" says the shocked time traveler. Suddenly the time traveler is shot dead and thrown across the border, his decaying body is left to lay behind the great trump wall. This is what American will become in 2025..." +8817,1,(NSFW) Did you hear about the woman who loved to give her one testicled husband a blowjob? She always has a ball! +8818,2,The word asparagus is funny. It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus. +8819,2,"Netflix cancels Daredevil... Well, that's one thing Matt Murdock didn't see coming." +8820,1,"There are so many scams on the internet nowadays... Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!" +8821,4,What do call a Senior Citizen when they use a Computer? Elder Scrolls +8822,3,What do you call a cheap circumcision A rip-off +8823,0,How is a girlfriend like a laxative ? they both irritate the shit out of you. +8824,0,My dad said I was fucking annoying But he said it's ok because he was fucking annoying's sister. +8825,0,Classic Ek santa tha Ek banta tha. +8826,0,Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an Oscar? It was outstanding in his field. +8827,0,"A man walked in on a ghost masterbating The man screams with his mouth wide open. The ghost shoots his ectoplasm in the man face (if you know what I mean) The ghost then says, ""guess what? I died of aids!""" +8828,0,"[OFFENSIVE] Do you know why I love Communists? Because if they didn’t exist, Americans wouldn’t have anything worth shooting." +8829,0,Cardi B was running late. Tardy B +8830,0,I slipped in the shower last nigh But it wasn't my fault. ISIS claimed responsibility for it this morning. +8831,1,What was juice wrlds last big hit Codeine +8832,3,"The real joke is in the commas A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. ""Why?"" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. ""I'm a panda,"" he says at the door. ""Look it up."" The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation: ""Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.""" +8833,2,"Bob is going to prom (Idk if this is original or not, my friend told me this a few years ago and he has never used Reddit) First, he needs his tux, so he waits at the rental line for 2 hours. Next, he has to buy a Corsage, and there's a long line for that too. But Bob is patient and he gets the job done. Now Bob has to rent a limo. He waits 3 hours in this line and eventually rents it. Now Bob is at prom and is having a blast. His date asks him to get some punch. But there is no punchline." +8834,0,What do Catholic priests and the Zika Virus have in common? They both give kids a little head. +8835,1,Theres no such thing as chicks with dicks.... Just dudes with boobs Edit- changed tits with boobs thanks to a suggestion. Thank you +8836,2,"So this man walks into a bar And sits down alone, and orders a drink. He empties his glass and the bartender leans over and asks if he would like another. The man opens his wallet and looks at the small photo displayed in the clear sleeve, and after a moment he puts it down and accepts the bartenders offer. This goes on throughout the evening and after his fourth drink he orders one more. The bartender leans to him and says ""alright sir, I'll give you another, on the condition that you tell me what that photo is of"". The man smirks to himself and says ""well, it's a photo of my wife. I always bring it with me when I drink. I know it's time to go home when she starts lookin good"" " +8837,0,What did captain bad advice say to the suicidal person? Just hang in there +8838,3,"How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce ""unionized""." +8839,1,"Pull the cord I saw this talking muslim doll in the toy store and asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say. 'Dunno', he said, 'nobody dared to pull the cord so far'" +8840,2,"A soldier ran up to a nun..... ....and out of breath he asked, ""Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."" The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, ""Sister, have you seen a soldier?"" The nun replied, ""He went that way."" After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ""I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."" The nun said, ""I understand completely."" The soldier added, ""I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"" The nun replied, ""If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either.""" +8841,3,"Good Idea! A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem. ""Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."" The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, ""Be more specific."" ""If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."" The doctor says, ""Go on."" ""If I eat pizza, say pepperoni and mushroom, sure enough, pepperoni and mushroom pizza in the bowl. If that's not crazy enough, I crapped Neopolitan ice cream and not only were the flavor stripes on the ice cream returned to pre-eaten state, it was cold coming out too. What should I do?' Doc looked him in the eye and replied, ""Eat shit.""" +8842,1,"Yo momma so fat.. Yo momma so fat, when she fell, the only one laughing at her was the floor, because it was cracking up." +8843,5,"I once met a girl with 12 nipples Sounds weird, dozen tit?" +8844,0,"[Politics] Hillary Clinton is taking a morning stroll outside, holding a leash. She then, all of a sudden, tightens it... ...Bill yelps." +8845,1,It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice. If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now. +8846,6,"Married 25 years Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.” My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed." +8847,6,"I was offered sex today. I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase." +8848,3,"A little medical joke The South African Medical Association has weighed in on the new National Health Insurance proposals. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, ""Over my dead body!"" while the Pediatricians said, ""Oh, Grow up!"" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, ""This puts a whole new face on the matter...."" The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthetist thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. I feel, as a chiropractor that I would like to wring a few necks.... We psychologists respect the right of the Bill to be amended, but only if IT REALLY WANTS TO CHANGE!" +8849,1,What do gamer’s call an Abortion “Spawn kill” +8850,3,Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise Fucking Hellman. +8851,2,A leprechaun walks into a bar I guess it wasn't set very high +8852,0,"Do fish smoke seaweed? That wouldn't make any sense, they're underwater. They snort it" +8853,9,How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place. +8854,2,What’s the difference between Christians and Jews? Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother. +8855,5,"An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, ""A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."" The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, ""This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."" The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, ""I define myself to be on the outside!"" " +8856,3,What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his ass. +8857,0,"They say you can guess the size of a man’s genitals by looking at other body parts. Like if he has big feet, or big hands, or big ears, or a big nose... In that case he’d better be packing, cuz that’s one goofy-lookin dude!" +8858,0,I wanted to tell a joke about a blind people.. ..I figured they wouldn't see it. +8859,0,"A woman walks into the doctors office with her 6 year old son ""So, what seems to be the issue with little Billy here?"" asks the doctor. The woman tells him, ""I don't know what's wrong with him, doctor! Every single day I catch him out next to the woods, burning ants and starting fires and smashing up the benches!"". The Doctor reassures her; ""I don't think there's anything to worry about. He just sounds a little bit destructive by nature."" " +8860,2,I get my IBS from my dad... ...Sometimes I wish he would keep his shit to himself. +8861,0,[British Humour] What do you call a bag a vaginas A pack of clitoris allsorts +8862,2,"Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6"" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"" That's a Horatio of around 3:1" +8863,2,When life gives you lemons... Fuck life in the arse and give life lemon AIDS +8864,2,I heard a great joke about Jonestown But the punch line was too long +8865,0,Yo momma so fat Thanos had to snap his fingers 5 times. +8866,4,What type of currency do people use in space? Starbucks. +8867,1,If smoking is bad...? How come it cures salmon? +8868,5,"God asked Adam to name the animals Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too” Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”" +8869,8,"A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are at a mental institution, bored out of their minds. ""How about having sex with a cat?"" Asked the zoophile. ""Lets have sex with a cat then torture it"" said the sadist. ""Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it"" shouted the murderer. ""Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again"" said the necrophile. ""Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it"" said the pyromaniac. Silence took over...then the masochist said: Meow." +8870,3,What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad? The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them. +8871,1,Why doesn't Thanos play online video games? Because they're never perfectly balanced. +8872,1,The American economy is like a tree. All the growth goes to the top. +8873,1,"I think wife is turning into an environmentalist. She's great at saving energy. She always turns the light off before sex, which is a bonus. But she could at least fucking move a bit." +8874,0,Why is everyone so shocked by the cancellation of Kevin Spacey's hit show... Everyone knows that all it takes is one wayward blow to destroy a house of cards. +8875,0,My girlfriend is like Alaska She always sKnows. +8876,1,I heard its National Woman's Day So what kind of sandwich did yours make you? +8877,2,You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive At least I know I’m funny +8878,0,"[NSFW] Three women were talking about their love lives. Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, ""My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."" The second said, ""Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."" The third said, ""Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.""" +8879,5,"Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916. - **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?' - **Contestant**: 'Pass' - **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.' - **Contestant**: 'Pass' - **Quizmaster**: 'Question three: which *Countess* was an important leader in the rebellion?' - **Contestant**: 'Pass' Suddenly, his friend in the audience shouts: **'THAT'S IT HUEY, YOU TELL 'EM NOTHIN'!'**" +8880,2,What's the different between England and a tea bag? A tea bag last longer in the cup +8881,2,Spelling test My daughter had a spelling test and asked me what does context mean. I asked her how is it being used? +8882,3,If I had a dollar for every maths exam I failed I'd have about $6.50 right now +8883,0,"I tried making a scale model of Liverpool but I got arrested. Apparently, it's not ""legal"" to fill a koi pond full of human livers Edit: clarification" +8884,3,"People sometimes ask me when I realised I was gay... I remember the moment clearly... I was talking to a friend, explaining some minor life problem that I wasn't sure what to do about, and so he sighed and said ""fuck man""... and I thought, ""hey, that's not a bad idea actually...""" +8885,5,My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something +8886,1,I told my friends a badminton joke the other day I guess they didn't get the shuttle humor. +8887,0,I heard about a great Amish strip club. It's the only bonnetless one in town. +8888,1,"The piano bar joke A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar. He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his advice, but then the day before opening, his piano player reneges and takes off to Chicago. The barman tells his friend “Oh Jesus, now what!? All that money for refurbishing and advertisement, how can I open a piano bar without a pianist.!?” A guy walking by hears him yelling, looks in and says ” Excuse me, did you need a pianist? I’m a piano player, I play really good, and even write my own songs.” The barman asks him to audition. The pianist sits down at the baby grand and starts playing, and it’s a really good song. The barman asks him if he wrote the song and the pianist says that he did. The bar owner asks the name and the pianist says “I call that one ‘Sit on my face, baby’.” The barman is taken aback, but asks him to play another. He plays a really good tune, but then says that the name of it is ‘I stepped in a pile of dog shit’. He plays a few more, and they’re all great, but have foul names. The barman says, “Look, I’ll give you the job on the condition that you never announce the name of your songs.” The pianist agrees, and says he’ll be there for the grand opening. Grand opening night is a great success, the piano player is very popular, and he jokes with the crowd, sips a little wine, really gets everybody into it. At his break he goes into the rest room, and when he comes back, a lady says, “Mister, do you know your zipper’s down and your dick is hanging out?” The pianist smiles and says, “Know it? Hell, I wrote it!”" +8889,0,"What's green, six inches long and smells of pork? Kermit the Frogs middle finger." +8890,0,"American Diplomat Children in Kremlin For New Years Eve American children, invited to the Kremlin for the New Years were in shock when the lights went out and the Russian kids started calling for the Dead Morose. " +8891,0,What's the difference between an AR-15 and a union worker? The AR-15 works most of the time and can be fired. +8892,4,"Scientist: Let's name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs Scientist 2: Hmm not kinky enough" +8893,1,Who does the Queen of Hearts send to cut down a tree? The Lumber-Jack. +8894,1,Did you hear about the person who was murdered and put into a suitcase? It was an open and shut case. +8895,6,"A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep. Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep. But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river, into a forest of trees. Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now,” he said, “you see that tree over there?” “Yes, yes, yes!,” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking didn’t.”" +8896,0,What does a woman in a leadership role have? Authorititties +8897,1,Knock knock Who’s there? Interrupting cow Interrupting cow wh- MOOOOOO (I’m very sorry) +8898,3,"A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ""Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."" He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ""What would you say is my best feature?"" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ""It has to be your ears."" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ""My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"" Clearing his throat, he stammered, ""Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.""" +8899,0,What does Tyler the Creator become when he evolves? Tyler the Greater +8900,5,What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit +8901,0,What do you call a Jewish stoner with Downs Syndrome? A twice baked potato +8902,0,"According to a New York Times article last week, statistically speaking, masseuses have a 27% higher chance to be anti-feminist than the average person. It's because they are massage-inists." +8903,0,"Wanna hear an airplane joke? Nevermind, it'll probably go over your head." +8904,4,"A guy walks into bar alone and orders two beers. ""Are you expecting someone?"" Asks the bartender. ""No, my brother is in the army and before leaving he told me that everytime i drink i have to also drink for him as well"" ""That's nice of you, here this round is on the house"" A week or so passes and the guy orders two beers each time he goes to that bar. One day he orders only one beer. ""Oh my god, please don't tell your brother died!"" ""Ah no, he's fine. It's just that i quit drinking.""" +8905,4,"A little girl tells Mommy, ""When I grow up, I wanna be a feminist."" The mother looks to her sweet, little daughter and says, ""Sweetheart, you're going to have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.""" +8906,0,John is walking down the street. What is missing? The joke. +8907,0,What's something 9 out of 10 people enjoy? [NSFW] [xpost /r/askmen] gang rape +8908,0,"Hhave you not been to Frankfurt before? Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?” Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”" +8909,6,"Letter to God Dear God, Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali. Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe. I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump." +8910,4,People say I don't have friends. They're wrong. I have 10 seasons in dvd. +8911,0,"What is small, salty and melts in your mouth? A leper's clit " +8912,2,I just broke up with my communist girlfriend. There just were too many red flags. +8913,1,Had a dog that tried to kill himself. Vet said it was a Borderline Collie +8914,4,"My grandfather told me my generation is too dependent on technology. I said, ""No grandpa, your generation is too dependent on technology."" Then I unplugged his life support." +8915,1,"A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage... Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’ The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’ The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH" +8916,0,What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini +8917,2,Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades? Trans-action fees +8918,0,"A women approaches a checkout line and begins to lay her items on the belt... The clerk starts looking over her items carefully, making subtle comments under his breath - and then out loud. ""Let's see, white wine, pretzels, chicken breast, toothpaste - let me guess, you're single, right? 🤔 ""Yes, you're right!"" the women replied. ""You guessed that just from looking at my groceries?"" ""No"" The clerk says ""it's because you're ugly"". " +8919,4,"But Officer... One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, ""This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ""Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"" ""Ma'am,"" the trooper replied, ""you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."" ""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!"" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that ""22"" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. ""But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK?"" the trooper asked with concern. ""These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."" ""Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer,"" she replied. ""We just got off Route 110.""" +8920,1,Jews rated their trip to Auschwitz. They all gave it one star. +8921,3,We don’t do reverse cowgirl down here in the south Never turn your back on family +8922,0,What's the opposite of a Christopher Reeve? A Christopher Walken. +8923,1,Why was Hitler acting so crazy? Because he was a Nutsy! +8924,7,"Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway? He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm. So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventually the manager comes out and gets his story, helps him clean up, gave him credit for the gas, which calmed the guy down a bit, enough to continue on with his day. So hes driving down the highway, and decides he needs a smoke. He goes to light a cigarette, and his arm is engulfed in flames. He's in the middle lane so he can't just pull over, so he sticks his arm out the window, waving it around hoping the wind will put the fire out. Luckily though there was a sheriff a couple cars back, so he flips on his siren, gets everyone out of the way so the guy can park, and runs up with his jacket and throws it on the guys arm. So now he's mad, in pain, his day just can't get any worse. After the medics bandaged his arm up, the officer goes to speak with him and get more of his story. After listening, the officer tells the man to put his hands behind his back, he cuffs them and reads the man his rights. So now he's freaking out, being put in the back of the cruiser. ""Officer, why am I being arrested? What did I do?"" The officer says as he shuts the door ""Son, its against the law to drive around waving firearms at people.""" +8925,3,"How many times do you butter your bread? Two friends went to a club and brought girls back to their place. They made a pact that during the breakfast they will tell each other how many times did they fuck their date. They realized that talking about it would be weird in front of the girls. So they decided, that the number of times they will butter the bread would be the number of times they fucked. When they met for the breakfast, the first friend took a slice of bread and buttered it four times. The second friend was impressed and picked another slice. He buttered it three times. As the first friend felt proud of his achievement, the second friend flipped the bread and buttered it two more times." +8926,3,"As a guy who is a feminist I hate man-splaining, I wish woman could understand things on their own instead. " +8927,0,Getting Lockjaw is terrible. Heck I am just lost for words. +8928,7,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”" +8929,1,I saw two cigarettes having a fight outside a shop earlier They looked absolutely menthol +8930,1,What do a rapper and a gardener have in common? They both spend a lot of money on hoes. +8931,3,"A panda sees a prostitute working the corner He stops and asks for her to get in his car. She gets in his car and the prostitute lays down and the panda eats her out. After they're done the prostitute says ""You have to pay me"" The panda replies with "" Look up the definition of a panda"" and she does. She says ""Panda, eats bushes and leaves""" +8932,10,"I heard my son say his first words to me today... ""where have you been the last 20 years?""" +8933,2,Last night my girlfriend asked me for sex but I had to disappoint her. We had sex. +8934,2,"If I could be any superhero, I’d be Aluminium Man... My superpower would be foiling crime..." +8935,0,I once took a Latin class I didn't finish because everything was constantly floating. +8936,1,"A cowboy was sitting at a bar in full cowboy regalia A woman walks up to him and asks, ""Are you a real cowboy?"" The man says slowly, ""Well... I've worked on a ranch my whole life. I've been herding cattle and riding horses for over 30 years. When I wake up in the morning, I’m thinking about my cattle. When I’m eating my breakfast and listening to the radio, I’m thinking about my cattle. When I’m cooking dinner out on the range, I’m thinking about my cattle, and when I’m asleep, I dream about my cattle. I reckon I’m about as close to a ‘real cowboy’ as they come. What about you, ma’am?"" The woman takes a deep breath. ""Well, I'll be completely honest with you. I'm a lesbian. I've been lesbian from the time I can remember. I think about women 24/7, from the time I wake up til the time I go to sleep. I think about them while eating, driving, showering, and watching TV. Everything seems to make me think about women."" The woman walked away, leaving the cowboy to ponder what she said by himself. 20 minutes later, a different woman approaches him. ""Excuse me, sir, are you a real cowboy?"" She asked. ""Well,"" Said the cowboy, ""I've always thought I was, but as it turns out, I think I'm a lesbian.""" +8937,0,Your Mama so fat... Even Dora can’t explore her. +8938,0,My mom asked me to get a pack of cigarettes Nice try. Last time anyone in my family did that they didn't come back. +8939,0,If I got a reddit nickel for every time I’ve contributed.. I must have contributed exactly 50 times. +8940,3,How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving It deep ends. +8941,2,"The Devil finally gets to Hitler in hell. ""What the Fuck!"" Hitler says, ""You've kept me waiting for 70 years!"" ""It's your own fault"", the Devil replies. ""Do you have any idea how long it takes to process 6 million Jews?""" +8942,0,Why did the ravioli cross the road? To get to the other sideioli +8943,0,"Communism is same as unicorn People kept adoring for its majestic properties, but it never existed anyway" +8944,2,"My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy. So I asked him ""what kind is it?"" He said ""about 4:30""." +8945,1,"A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks: “What did you learn in your first lesson?” “I learned all the notes on the E string!” The next week he comes home and mom asks: “What did you learn this week?” “I learned all the notes on the A string!” After the third week the son returns home rather late and his mother asks again: “What did you learn this week?” “I couldn’t make it, I had a gig”" +8946,0,What do you call a Mexican rodent with a penchant for attention? Needy Gonzalez +8947,1,I got a job peeling corn all day... It really shucks. +8948,1,Pokemon go should contact Hillary Clinton. I hear she has some servers +8949,2,What's the difference between a bmw driver and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. +8950,2,"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife. I probably could,” she laughed. ""Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied." +8951,1,"We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral." +8952,3,Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks. +8953,0,What do you call a bunch of farm cattle with their vertebrae removed? A spineless cow herd. +8954,1,"The more people willing to commit scuicide exist, the less people willing to commit scuicide exist." +8955,2,How do you ask a Silicon Valley prostitute for a handjob? Submit a pull request. +8956,3,What kind of boat doesn’t let you be nude or swear? A censorship +8957,1,I'm a chick magnet I repel. +8958,2,"tattoo joke NSFW A Girl gets two tattoos on her inner thighs: one of Mike Tyson on her right inner thigh and the other is of Evander Holifield on her left inner thigh. She points to them and asks the bartender ""Does this look like Mike Tyson?"" Bartender says ""No."" She then asks ""Does this look like Evander Holifield?"" Bartender says ""Nope sorry."" She's says ""Well I want another opinion."" She sees a drunk guy at the end of the bar. She points to her inner right thigh and asks him ""Does this tattoo look like Mike Tyson?"" Drunk guy says ""No."" She points to her inner left thigh and asks ""Well does this tattoo look like Evander Holifield?"" Drunk guy says ""No but the one in the middle looks like Don King."" " +8959,1,What do you get from a sleepy skeleton? Skeletonin :) +8960,2,I don't want to be a baker But I knead the dough +8961,4,"My parents wanted to name me Odysseus because I, too, broke through the Trojan wall." +8962,1,"Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water? Because if they fell forwards, they’d fall into the boat." +8963,2,What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Flushes. +8964,1,"Who's got two thumbs and finds this joke funny? ""Not this guy!"" -Thumb amputee victim" +8965,3,"[NSFW] A dude and a nun are on a bus... [long] Everyday the dude asks the nun if he can have sex with her. She politely says no. This happens every couple of days. One night after the nun gets off the bus, the bus driver tells the dude how to have sex with her. He says, “she goes to the graveyard every night, and she asked god to have sex with her. Just take this mask that looks like god and go to the graveyard tonight.” So the dude shows up to the graveyard later that night and, low and behold, there is the nun. The dude walks up and says, “I’m god, have sex with me.” To which the nun replies, “I want to say a Virgin for my husband, so fuck me in the ass.” So the dude fucks the nun in the ass. And when they have finished the dude whips the mask off and says, “HA! I’m the dude!” The nun looks at the dude and whips off her mask. In reply she says, “HA! I’m the bus driver!”" +8966,2,What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common? They are both in an advanced state of D composition. +8967,2,My New Year revolution is to never use autocorrect again. +8968,2,"Cletus and Billy, two neighbors, each decide to get a sheep. Each one puts his sheep in his garden. But at night the sheep destroy the fence. Next morning Cletus and Billy don’t know which sheep is his own. So Cletus picks a sheep and chops a leg off it. That way he knows the sheep with three legs is his. But the following night, the sheep with four legs can’t stand for this injustice and bites its own leg off. In the morning, Cletus and Billy find the two sheep with each three legs and don’t know which sheep belongs to whom. This time Billy picks a sheep and cuts another leg off. “The one with two legs is mine”, he says. At night, the sheep with three legs can’t stand to see his friend suffer alone. So it bites its own leg off. Next morning, Cletus and Billy find the two sheep with each two legs. So Cletus chops another leg off to know which sheep is his. You can guess what happens now. The sheep with two legs bites another leg off. Once again Cletus and Billy can’t figure out which sheep is which. And Billy chops of the last leg of a sheep to determine ownership. And again, the sheep with one leg bites off its own leg. So now Cletus and Billy find themselves with two sheep without legs, not knowing which sheep is which. Billy asks “How are we going to recognize them now, Cletus?” Cletus thinks about this long and hard and finally comes up with a solution. He says “I’ll take the black one, you take the white one!” " +8969,5,What does an indecisive person wear? Flip Flops. +8970,2,"My friend, who's a mathematician .. Years ago, my friend, who's a mathematician, moved out to the woods to become a musician. I thought it was weird they chose that route but people do what they do, right? Anyway, i saw him at the grocery store today and asked him what he had been up to. ""Oh you know, just bustin out logarithims.""" +8971,0,How old is too old to believe in fairy tales? Because I have a cousin who's 27 and still believes in gay marriage. +8972,0,"Back in the day I thought adopting a baby was like buying a mattress You know, go to the store, test out the product, shake the baby violently a couple of times. " +8973,0,"Pick a Husband, Any Husband As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”" +8974,0,Where do Undead children go for fun? Western Plaguerounds +8975,7,"I'll never forget my grandpa's last words ""Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!""" +8976,6,"If you pour Root Beer into a square glass... Does it become, just, beer? (Credit to my little sister)" +8977,0,"What do you call a pansexual genderqueer feminist who claims to have self diagnosed autism, depression, gender dysphoria, and anxiety? A Liar " +8978,0,Why did the Brazilian choose not to shower at the Olympic game facilities? He preferred to wash up on shore. +8979,4,"Guy walks into a bar He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender fetches it for him and says ""that'll be 10 cents"" The guy can't believe it. ""10 cents? Is there some happy hour on or something?"" ""No"" The guy sits there in disbelief. Just then a couple comes over from the corner and go to settle their tab. ""Okay so you both had burgers and fries, chicken wing entree, four beers and two glasses of wine... that'll be 40 cents"" The couple pay, thank the bartender and leave. But the guy can't fathom what he just heard. 40 cents?! He then waves at the bartender and asks ""Okay then, how much for that bottle of Cristal Champagne?"" ""25 cents"" ""25 cents?!? That can't be right... Where's your manager?"" ""Oh. He's out with my wife"" ""What?! What the hell is he doing with your wife?"" ""Same thing I'm doing to his business"" " +8980,1,What did the apple say to the pear? No idea. I figured if anyone knew what fruits talked about it would be you. Aaaannnd here come the downvotes... +8981,4,Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks? Minne-soda. +8982,0,The Pakistani cricket team walk into a bar... to watch the Indian Premier League +8983,6,"Two Belgians walk into a police precinct and say: ""Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."" Officer: ""Can you describe him to me?"" Belgians: ""He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"" Officer: ""You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"" Belgians: ""Yeah, he has an extra penis."" Officer: ""Are you sure?"" Belgians: ""Yes, whenever we go to our favorite bar, the barman always says: ""Look there is the Dutchman with the two dicks again.""""" +8984,4,"Cunning A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, ""It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."" The Project manager is sitting there thinking, ""I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"" The young woman was sitting and thinking, ""I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, ""Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!""" +8985,2,What is the most pointless thing in the world? Father's Day in Detroit. +8986,0,What do you get if you chop off Trump's hand? A Trump stump! +8987,8,"A woman had a 100 children. She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on. But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own. One day when the kids were out playing in the park they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it 'This' so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say 'Let's take This outside' and things like that. One day while the kids weren't paying attention, This ran out of the house and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don't tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This. Only Ninety's kids will remember This." +8988,0,Why are so many people kidnapped in Somalia? Because some aliens take them to their mothership. +8989,5,"Trump Today Trump Today: Missile #1: ""You're fired!"" Missile #2: ""You're fired!"" Missile #3: ""You're fired!"" And so on 56 more times." +8990,2,I was dating a girl one time who confide in me that she liked Spanish men. I immediately broke up with her because she was a pedrophile. +8991,0,To the guy who stole my antidepressant pills I hope you are happy. +8992,7,My ex-wife told all her friends I had a small penis... ...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed. +8993,2,My wife and I have been arguing recently. I do this really fantastic impression of a flamingo.. But she keeps telling me to stop. Eventually I had to put my foot down +8994,1,-Did you shave my eyebrows while I was sleeping??? +You don't look surprised +8995,4,"C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, ""Sorry, but we don't serve minors."" So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, ""Excuse me; I'll just be a second."" Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, ""Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."" E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, ""You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development."" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. " +8996,0,How does nirvana thank their audience after a show? ...With a kurtsy Joke is kurtesy of me *kurtain falls* My friend Courtney Loves these jokes +8997,2,"My old aunts always tells at weddings:"" well , do you think you'll be next?"" We've settled this quickly once i've started saying that to them at funerals" +8998,0,"I kidnapped the head baker yesterday Withing 5 minutes of bringing him to our warehouse, we were rolling in dough." +8999,0,"I’ve just bought 8 legs of venison for £40... Do you think that’s two deer? (Works better spoken, I know. Tell your friends.)" +9000,3,I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance. +9001,1,Why don't ducks blow glass? To many quacks +9002,0,"I want to open a grocery store It will be called, ""I'm Not Wearing Pantry!""" +9003,2,What country makes the most milk? Nepal +9004,5,What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey. (Saying it out loud might help) +9005,1,People think I have ADHD and I really don't.. To prove it I'll give you 10 reasons why Football is better than rugby +9006,0,What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male +9007,4,"AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS... ...oh, it's a tie" +9008,4,"I will always remember my grandpa's last famous words ""Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"" " +9009,2,How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? Because she found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles. +9010,1,"A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner. A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand and then the cards disappeared. The magician’s parrot then went into the crowd, went up their sleeves, and told the audience that the cards were up his sleeve. The magician did not like that one bit. The second day, the magician was performing magic tricks on the cruise liner. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand and then the cards disappeared. The magician’s parrot then went into the crowd, went up their pant legs, and told the audience that the cards were up his pant leg. The magician did not like that one bit. The third day, the magician was performing magic tricks on the cruise liner. This time everybody was wondering where the magician will hide the cards this time. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand. Suddenly, the boiler of the ship blew up, blew the ship into a million pieces. The magician landed on a big piece of wood. For three days, lost at sea, seeing no one and nothing, the parrot finally says to the magician, “I give up, what did you do with the ship?” " +9011,2,"Your finest Scotch, please. ""Yes, sir,"" the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape." +9012,2,Why is Conan's guest's face blurred-out? Oh. Never mind. It isn't. It's just Amy Schumer. +9013,1,What do you call an orgy with dudes from different races? Mixed nuts +9014,1,How much does it cost to have sex with a male deer in the missionary position? Under a buck +9015,2,"A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. ""It's not my fault,"" I said, ""every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."" ""Do you really expect me to believe that?"" he laughed. I said, ""I can prove it if you want me to."" ""Go on then,"" he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, ""Well, show me your pocket then!"" ""What for?"" I asked. He said, ""The drugs."" I said, ""What drugs?""" +9016,5,An optimist sees the light in the tunnel An optimist sees the light in the tunnel. A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel. A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails. +9017,3,Why do seagulls fly by the sea? Because if they flew by the bay they'd be bagels! Don't lynch me. Lol +9018,1,Better to burp and have a second taste.... ...than to fart and let it go to waste... +9019,0,"I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. In my case, it is a sexually transmitted disease." +9020,0,What do you call an infinite father figure? An unlimited DaDa plan +9021,1,How do you plan a space party Planet. +9022,1,"Each person in class had to write a sentence (Cuban joke) So the teacher asked everyone to read their sentence and she gets to Pepito ""Pepito what did you write today?"" So he responds ""Today the most amazing thing happened, my cat gave birth to six communist cats."" ""That's a wonderful story Pepito, great job."" The next day the teacher again asks everyone to write their own sentences, and again she asks everyone to read theirs and finally Pepito. ""Now what did you write today Pepito?"" So he reads ""Yesterday the most amazing thing happened, my cat gave birth to three communists kittens."" To which the teacher responds ""wait a minute yesterday you said you had six cats, what happened to the other three?"" ""They opened their eyes."" " +9023,2,What do Holland and Saudi Arabia have in common? You can legally get stoned in both. +9024,1,Circumsision My parents paid for me to be circumcised. We all got ripped off +9025,1,Why hasn't valve made Half Life 3? They're waiting for the apocalypse to come so it can be an AR game. +9026,0,"I hate it when people complain about getting an A or B on assignments I mean, seriously, I could go to a gay pride event because of how many D's I get" +9027,3,How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One... or two? +9028,1,Why else do women love Jesus? Because he promises a second coming. +9029,1,What do you call an arrogant person who always dresses nicely? Clothes-minded +9030,2,"Teacher: Whats the absolute zero? Me: 0 K, Boomer" +9031,7,My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes... It’s like shooting fish in apparel... +9032,3,"Transfer to Hell John dies and finds himself in Heaven. At first things are great; rivers of honey and love everywhere. But eventually John gets bored and on one of his peaceful walks, stumbles upon a sign announcing a trip into Hell. Curious, he boards the train. Once in Hell, it’s all prostitues, cocaine and parties. Astonished, upon his return to Heaven, John is first in line for the next trip. This time around, same deal: girls, drugs, parties. As soon as he is once again back to Heaven, he goes straight to St Peter. “I want to transfer to Hell”, says John. “Are you sure John?”, goes St Peter. “What about the honey? What about the love?” “I want to transfer to Hell”, repeats John. St Peter signs off on the procedure and shortly after John is well on his way to Hell. Once through the door however, he is immediately thrown onto a pitchfork and slowly roasted over a fire. “Whoa!”, goes John. “Whats going on? I was just here the other day. Where did the hookers go? Where’s the blow?” “Well John”, said the Devil with a coy smile, “back then you were a tourist, now you’re an immigrant.”" +9033,5,"A desperate wife was talking to her doctor... She told the doctor, ""My husband isn't interested in sex anymore and I don't know what to do! I love him so much but I have my own sexual needs as well. Do you have anything to help us?"" Doctor pulled out his prescription pad and started to write, ""Slip one of these pills in his dinner tonight and I guarantee you two will find passion again, but I'll warn you, these are powerful pills. Don't give him more than the prescribed dose."" Overcome with hope the wife ran home and started to prepare her husbands dinner along with a single pill mixed in with his portion. That night they made love and it was wonderful, so wonderful the wife decided to do it again the next night, but instead slipped in 2 pills. The sex was even more intense and amazing. They went almost all night and still felt great in the morning. The next night the wife decided to see how far they could take their lust and slipped in 10 pills. A few days later the doctors phone rang, and when he picked up, he was talking to the wife's son. ""Are you the Doctor that gave my Mom the pills she has been slipping in my Dad's dinner?"" He asked with an accusatory tone. ""Why, yes. What seems to be the problem? Where is your mother?"" The doctor replied. ""I knew it! Because of you my Mom's in the hospital, my sister is pregnant, my own ass is so sore I can barely walk, and the last I saw my Dad before the cops came for him, he was running around the house saying, 'Here kitty, kitty!'""" +9034,2,"My psychologist just reddit-punned me We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix. Him: ""So, what sites do you surf the most?"" Me: ""Well, there's this site called Reddit.."" Him: ""I see.."" Me: ""Have you heard of it?"" Him: ""I'm not sure I've.. *read it*"" *winks furiously at me*" +9035,2,I asked my mom “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. +9036,2,"A blonde and a businessman are flying... A blonde and a businessman are flying... the pilot says over the speaker that they've lost an engine, but they should be just fine, flying on three engines. However, it will take an extra hour to get where they're going. After a little while, there's some rumbling, and the pilot says over the speaker that there's another engine out. He says that they'll be fine flying on two engines, but it will take another three hours to get where they're going. More time goes by, there's some more rumbling, and the pilot says over the loudspeaker that a third engine went out, but they can limp along on one engine. However, it will take an extra six hours to get where they're going. At this point, the blonde turns to the businessman and says, ""Boy, if the other engine goes out, we'll be up here all day!""" +9037,3,"The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office... ""What is your name?"" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. ""John,"" the new guy replied. The manager scowled, ""Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"" The new guy sighed and said, ""Darling. My name is John Darling."" ""Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...""" +9038,2,I thought I had sex with my crush But when I turned on the lights I saw my girlfriend +9039,0,How do asians call Godzilla? Gojira. +9040,4,I walked in on my grandfather having a stroke... Dirty old man watches way too much porn. +9041,2,Never hide regular cocaine in your butt Charges will get elevated to possession of crack cocaine +9042,2,So my dog told me it was into BDSM So I tied it up and turned on the vacuum cleaner +9043,4,"Two fish are in a tank... One turns to the other and asks, ""Do you know how to drive this thing?""" +9044,2,One of my favourites: What do you call an alligator in a vest? ...an investigator. +9045,3,"I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!! There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!!" +9046,5,"My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.” I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”" +9047,2,"What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. " +9048,2,For me sex is like a game I watch videos of it online cause I can't afford it +9049,2,Wanna hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit. +9050,3,You know the worst part about being a gay guy Valentine's Day? All the guys on Grindr are out with their wives. +9051,0,"I got drunk one day and saw this annoying guy His clothes were similar to mine. He kept mimicking me. He would copy my every move. I started cursing at him, and he cursed back saying the EXACT same things I said. I finally had enough and starting walking up to him. This motherfucker starts walking up to me! I got close an threw a haymaker. It was bad, my hand started bleeding and there was glass EVERYWHERE. And that is the story of how I punched a mirror." +9052,2,"Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it." +9053,1,So Peter Kay has been out of the spotlight for 2 years... He opened up a gun store called Ammo-rillo. +9054,4,What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper +9055,3,"Since school is starting back up... I wanted to give some people some tips for going back to school. 1. When you see a girl in the hall that you are interested in, motion for her to come to you with one finger. When she asks what you want, say 'I wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger' 2. When you see a guy in the hall you don't like, motion for him to come to you with one finger in the same way. When he asks what you want, just say 'I wanted to see how far I could pull shit without a string'" +9056,2,"Mother kidding me A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” " +9057,2,Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the pest control business. He's the ex-terminator. +9058,2,The singer for the band Steppenwolf has been decapitated in a motorbike accident... They found his head out on the highway... +9059,1,What's the tastiest drug gang? MSG-13 +9060,0,"When you die, you don't know if you're going to heaven or hell... but what is for sure is that we'll all need to change planes in Atlanta to get there." +9061,1,"Two cannibals come across a dead body, and they don't have a big enough knife to cut the body so they make a deal one starts at the head and the other starts at the foot. They are eating a little while and the one at the head asks the other one how it is going and he answers, ""I'm having a ball."" The first guy says, ""You are eating too fast.""" +9062,4,"A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos A blonde sees a man carrying a thermos and becomes perplexed. ""What is that? "" ""A thermos."" ""What does it do?"" ""It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."" ""I don't understand."" ""If I put coffee in here, the coffee stays hot. If I put ice cream in here, it stays cold."" The blonde is amazed and buys one for herself. The following day, one of her friends spots her with her brand new thermos. ""What is that? "" ""A thermos."" ""What does it do?"" ""It keeps a hot thing hot, and a cold thing cold."" ""So what did you put in it?"" ""Coffee and ice cream."" " +9063,3,"Guy goes to prison He has heard lots of stories so he always tries to shower only when noone else is around. This goes quite well for a couple of days. Then one day, he drops the soap while showering. He timidly looks everywhere before bending over to make sure noone is around. Once he gets a hold of the soap though, he feels two big strong hands grippin him by the thighs - a huge inmate is towering over him. The other inmate looks him in the eyes and asks: ""With Spit?"" He ponders the short question, then decides that, given the possible outcomes of the situation, this might at least lead to a slightly less horrible experience, so he nods. The giant looks behind him and shouts: ""Hey Spit, come on over - he's asking for a threesome!"" - .... *shout out to my colleague who told me this, I hope nothing was lost in translation*" +9064,5,"Man in Restaurant Sees Extremely Attractive Woman Sitting Alone... so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings it and the lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man. It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inches in your pants.' He reads the message, laughs, and sends back one of his own: 'Just send it back. I have a Ferrari, Mercedes, and a Corvette. I have twenty million in the bank and a house in Aspen, LA, and Miami. But I will NEVER cut three inches off for any woman.'" +9065,6,What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. +9066,0,"Look, Eagle! A few regulars were drinking at a bar when a man runs in and shouts, ""Look, eagle!"" Everyone looks up, and as soon as everyone looks up, the man takes off his trousers and his pants and starts thrusting his penis. As they stop looking, the man quickly zips up his pants and walks out. This happens every day for almost 5 years. One day though, a man called Richard hid round the back as he did his routine, and saw that when they looked up, he whipped out his 9 inch narwhal and shook it about. When the man walks out, Richard approaches the regulars. ""You know that man gets you to look up so he can thrust his penis around.Just watch tomorrow."" So the men are drinking and of course he comes in and shouts, ""Look, eagle!"" They all look up and then look straight down and sure enough he is naked from waist down thrusting his willy. ""What. Are you doing?"" one of the men ask. ""Uhhhh... Richard did you inform them?"" ""Yes I did."" ""You... You **Dick**!""" +9067,1,"Dad texts his son before his wedding A father texts his son: ""My Dear Son, Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father."" His Son texts back: ""Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"" His Father replies: ""I know.""" +9068,0,When are there 5 feet in a meter? In Iambic pentameter! +9069,10,"The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup... I said, ""Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."" Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :) Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)" +9070,1,Are any Halloween monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula. +9071,0,"I am a very environmentally friendly person. For example, I reuse the water I use to mop the floor to wash vegetables, save water by not drinking water, and save electricity by turning the air conditioner up by 100 degrees." +9072,1,Jokes about necrophilia and bestiality are pretty mainstream Telling them is like beating off a dead horse +9073,1,Jared Fogle likes his women how he likes his subs 6 and 12 (I know it's an old one) +9074,0,What's the difference between boyscouts and Jews? Boyscouts come back from their camps. +9075,4,"I went to a blind prostitute the other day She told me I was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on. I said ""nah, you're pulling my leg""" +9076,6,"'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.' " +9077,0,"I was talking to my creepy coworker I told him ""I like my women like I like my coffee, strong and sweet."" He said ""Hmm. I like mine like I like my salad."" ""Well dressed?"" I asked him. ""No. Chopped.""" +9078,1,"No matter how old you are or what team you're rooting for, I think we can all agree that every basketball fan looks up to Shaquille O'Neal. Like literally, you have to look up to him." +9079,2,What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use? PNC +9080,6,Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate? He looked like a fucking idiot. +9081,2,"Two young boys are talking before school. “My uncle ran for Senate last year,” the first boy says to his classmate. ​ “Really?” the second boy asks. “What does he do now?” ​ “Nothing,” the first boy explains. “He got elected.”" +9082,2,Fuck abbreviations And everything they stand for +9083,0,"Three friends are at a pool together One of them say “my grandpa was a national swimming champion” “ his best stroke was butterfly” The second friend says “my grandpa was also a swimmer, he too was a national champ” “his best stroke was breast stroke” the third one says “my grandpa was also a swimmer ! although he wasn’t able to make it to nationals” “his favorite was heart”" +9084,1,A waiter approaches a table celebrating their daughters graduation... Father: Our daughter just graduated from SCU with an English degree! Waiter: That's so great! Congratulations! I actually have a Master's degree in English Literature myself. Can I get you folks started with some chips and salsa? +9085,2,My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth. +9086,0,Me: Have you ever heard of Cindy lou? Other guy: Cindy Lou who? Me: Oh so you have heard of her +9087,1,What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator +9088,1,"Lie Detector A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours? Son: At school *(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)* Okay, okay, I went to the movies! Dad: Which one? Son: Harry Potter *(robot slaps the son again!)* Okay! Alright, I was watching porno. Dad: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porno was! *(robot slaps dad)* Mom: Ha ha ha ha ha! This sure proves he's your Son! *(robot reaches out and slaps Mom)*" +9089,0,What did you call a jew in 1942? Ash +9090,0,Repost of my orginal joke- What do you call a tribal poet? Shake-A-Spear! +9091,3,"I used to hate tractors, but I did a complete 180 Now I'm protractor." +9092,0,What's black and runny Moses Kiptanui +9093,1,What did the psychiatrist say to the Coca-Cola? Don't bottle up your feelings. +9094,0,Gender Dynamics Husband: I wear the pants in this relationship. Wife: I wear the strap-on. Husband: There's blood in my stool. +9095,1,"Q: ""What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"" A: ""The C"" COMMENT A JOKE BELOW!" +9096,5,"If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ""Who's on First?"" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ""W"". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue ""w"" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOT T: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on ""START""............. " +9097,1,Just had cheap indian curry and not sure whether or not I'll make it to a bathroom in time... It's a crapshoot. +9098,0,"Did you hear how bombs, fireworks, and other explosives are now illegal in the city? They passed an ordnance." +9099,0,"Two cannibals are eating Chewbacca. One turns to the other and says ""The food is chewy today.""" +9100,0,NSFW My girlfriend was arrested for riding her bike today. She was charged with peddling pussy. +9101,0,The Cadillac salesman got pissed off at me so I regretfully upgraded my SUV purchase... The whole situation really Escaladed quickly. +9102,1,What's the difference between a falcon and an eagle? Eagles can hold a lead. +9103,0,Why did the landscaper commit suicide? He thought the grass is greener on the other side. +9104,0,Did you hear about the italian chef He pasta way +9105,1,My friend told me an St. Patrick's Day joke It was really clover +9106,1,"Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man? Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il. P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._" +9107,2,"Corners of Love I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth... But unfortunately, the earth is round. " +9108,1,"[Conspiracy Theory] The second Darth Vader slashed off Luke Skywalker's hand, Luke became... ...Hand Solo." +9109,0,I know what piece of currency Harriet Tubman should be on a .60 cent coin +9110,2,I was going to post some self deprecating jokes... But I’m not very good at them :( +9111,2,Why do teenage girls walk in odd numbers? Because they “can’t even” (valley girl voice) +9112,5,I added Paul walker on Xbox He spends all his time on the dashboard +9113,6,Did you hear about the mathematician who was scared of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them... +9114,1,What are the perks of people with dyslexia? They have sexdaily +9115,0,Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!” +9116,0,I hit a speed bump at my son't school. My son says there aren't any speed bumps at his school. +9117,0,I think I have the body of a teenager. I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen. +9118,0,It had to happen eventually. I'm just surprised it took so long for someone to write a scary clown story. +9119,0,I once received a purple heart. My doctor told me that it was the weirdest surgery he had ever seen. +9120,0,Why did the Mexican take Xanax? for Hispanic attacks +9121,0,When is it time for bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand. Woooo Shamone!! +9122,0,"What if.... What if Jesse's girl and Stacie's mom were the same woman, would their phone number be 867-5309?" +9123,0,What would you find inside a billion year old ice planet on the other side of the universe? One of my wife's hairs +9124,1,I tried getting in touch with my inner child... ..but the little fucker bit me! +9125,2,What language do bridges speak? Span-ish. +9126,0,"I heard so many women say ""it's so big, I don't think it's going to fit"". But it was mostly on the internet" +9127,1,"[long] A man is really unhappy with his cat It hardly shows him any love and always greets him with bites and scratches. Tired of his cat's behaviour, he decides to get rid of it. He drives far out of town to a remote location in the countryside and abandons the cat. When he gets home, he finds the cat there, ready to scratch him again. He gets even more infuriated this time and blindfolds the cat, drives him further out in the countryside and abandons the cat there. When he gets back home, the bugger is back again, greeting him with a bite. This time he's raging with the pest. He blindfolds the cat, takes several u-turns on the way and keeps going left and right and then left and then right and leaves him in a deserted spot further away. And behold, when he gets back home, the cat is waiting for him. He goes insane and vows to get rid of the cat forever. He drives for hours and hours on muddy roads through thick jungles and high mountains, the cat blindfolded the whole time. And somewhere in the middle of nowhere at a clearing in the forest, he abandons the cat, sure that he would never set eyes on him again. Halfway back, he calls his wife and asks if the cat is at home. His wife says that the cat just got home. The man curses and replies ""Put that little bastard on the line, I need help getting back.""" +9128,3,"Have you heard about all the feline deaths on Mars recently? Yeah, apparently Curiosity kills cats" +9129,0,My wife said I never do anything romantic for her I responded: The hell I don't! I'd serenade you but I'm two men short of a mariachi band! +9130,5,why do people go to Starbucks to write books? because white noise helps them concentrate! +9131,2,"There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife) H – “Hello?” W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” H – “Yes.” W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?” H – “What’s the price?” W – “Only $1,000.” H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…” W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…” H – “What price did he quote you?” W – “Only $52,000…” H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…” H – “What?” W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.” H – “How much are they asking?” W – “Only $240,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…” H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $220,000. OK?” W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!” H – “Bye… I love you too…” The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, “Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to … ???”" +9132,1,"To take down a kingdom, just kill the court jester Or as they say, go straight for the juggler. " +9133,1,"A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ... She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her. Doctor: *""Well, I hope you like changing diapers.""* Patient: *""Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?""* Doctor: *""No, you've got colon cancer.""*" +9134,2,Why did the man stand on the ramp? Because he was inclined to do so. +9135,3,"The whole Greek Mythology could be summed up in one line............ ""Unfortunately, Zeus was feeling a bit too horny.""" +9136,6,"Unvaccinated kids have been found to have lower IQ's than vaccinated children. Can't blame them, their parents are dumb as fuck." +9137,0,I just took a Portuguese shower It was delicious +9138,0,I Wrote a satirical book for my sister It said wanna go blowing +9139,0,Why did the 1920s jazzman's liver fail? Hepcatitis. +9140,0,When it comes to Newtons... Go fig or go home! +9141,1,"My girlfriend is really loud during sex. I don't know why, she knows nobody is coming to help her. " +9142,0,Why did 6 break up with 7? Because 7 ate 9 out +9143,4,"An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any. Astronaut 1: ""Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."" Astronaut 2: ""In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."" " +9144,0,"Went to the gas station today. Started filling up tank with regular 87. Didn't sound right, so I pulled the nozzle out and see that it was just a bunch of shaving cream. Tried the mid grade: rubber snakes. Premium: Jimmy Kimmel canceled Christmas. Dammit, April Fuels." +9145,3,"Can a woman have a child in her 70s? No, children are zero when born silly!" +9146,6,"If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been Mediogre" +9147,0,If Donald Trump gets i'mpeached I guess he'll be Trumpette. +9148,0,What does the Chinese Homer Simpson say when confronted by math? Tau! +9149,3,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints. +9150,0,"This will make you groan.. I like to travel a lot, and last year I flew and visited Hiroshima, Japan. It was fairly cold that day so it wasn't the best day, but it wasn't the worst...." +9151,1,I used to be a plastic surgeon Which raised a few eyebrows. +9152,1,"I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat. He said nah, I’m not really Inuit." +9153,3,What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! +9154,5,What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major. What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor. What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive? B flat. What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina? An episode of Top Gear. +9155,4,Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We’re closed. +9156,4,What's E.T. short for? He's just got little legs. +9157,3,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero. +9158,3,What is justice Brett Kavanaugh’s first case? Coors Light +9159,1,I decided to spend some time in /r/cancer but after a while it just died. +9160,1,"Did you hear about the guy who got sawed in half? Dont worry, he is all right now" +9161,0,Did you hear about the fight at the chip shop? The fish got battered. +9162,1,I stayed up all night last night wondering where the sun had gone... Then it dawned on me. +9163,1,"I read “Plumbing for Dummies” twice, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I think it’ll take a while before this sink’s in." +9164,0,Hear about the guy who had five penises? His underwear fits like a glove. +9165,1,"Today, I picked up a book about travelling back to the past. It was about time." +9166,0,Why does New York have so many Lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first choice. +9167,2,"(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar... The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,” Mushroom says “why not? Im a fun guy” —- A string walks into a bar The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,” The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in his lower half before going back into the bar. The bartender says “Hey! Aren’t you the guy that was just in here?” The string say “I’m afraid not”" +9168,0,"One day two Southerners heard their mom is missing After searching for a few weeks, they come to a funeral. The pastor/priest recognizes them and asks if they want to see their mother. As they walk towards the coffin, one of the Southerners say, ""A coffin? That's a weird place for ma ta hide!""" +9169,1,"A man was walking along the street with a brick on a leash, when ... A man was walking along the street with a brick on a leash, when a lady came up to him and said: ""What's your dog's name?"". The man replied: ""It's not a dog lady, it's a brick on a leash!"". The woman walked away shaking her head. When she was gone, the man turned to the brick and said: ""We sure fooled her, didn't we rover?""" +9170,0,"Why did the alphabet army started using curtains? Because they lost Private C," +9171,1,I like my women how I like my coffee. The largest size I can get and preferably Colombian. I thought I would post the joke with my punchline instead of plugging it every time this joke is used. +9172,0,Who’s the most influential caregiver in Russia? ...the putinanny. +9173,1,How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. +9174,1,I felt like there was something i forgot when i parked my car Then it struck me +9175,0,"I turned to my friend and said, ""When I grow up, I want to die."" She looked at me and replied, ""You'd make a good living out of that.""" +9176,3,"A man stumbles into r/Jokes He looks around, refreshing his window, switching from hot to new, from new to top. His face furrows in disgust. ""These aren't even clever, they're just repetitive, poorly executed punchlines with variations in the setup in order to get karma quick."" He calls over his eleven year old son to take a look. ""Hey what do you think of these jokes?"" His son peruses the screen as he contemplates a response. ""While these here all suck, there's actually a pretty good one in the community info."" The man's interest is peaked, so he pulls up the community info. ""Really? I don't see any jokes, what is it?"" ""Reposts will be removed...""" +9177,1,"When pigs fly, the price of bacon will rise. And so will the pigs." +9178,5,Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition... There was a terrible misunderstanding. +9179,4,"A blonde was speeding.... A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ""What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, ""Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, ""Aha! This must be my driver's license"", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, ""You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.""" +9180,2,"An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish man were sentenced to the chair! The Irishman went first. They pulled the switch but nothing happened. Surprised, they let him go. The Italian guy went second. They pulled the switch but again nothing happened. Now really surprised, they also let him go. Finally, the Polish bloke enters and says, ""First of all, the chair is unplugged!""" +9181,1,Lasaña Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. +9182,0,A white man with no friends opens Reddit app And see this post +9183,4,"Asian guy walks into a bar He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer." +9184,1,I went out with a girl with eczema once... She had cracking tits +9185,2,"A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il Assistant: Excuse me, a what? Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler. Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?" +9186,1,Where do horrible typefaces go when they die? Hellvetica +9187,0,"A cop pulls over a car with deaf people in it The cop asks the driver why does he think he was pulled over. the driver says, because I didn't have my hands on my wheel? and the cop says, no you were fingerspelling and signing way too fast. damn NSA." +9188,0,How do you have sex with a Latina astronomer? (In Latin accent) Jupiter tits in your face and she shoves her finger in Uranus +9189,0,Never argue with paraplegics They always win with sympathy because their arguments never have a leg to stand on +9190,9,"I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.... Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle..." +9191,1,Why did the cow walk with a limp She had a new calf +9192,1,"Reddit Game: Buy 3 Items; Freak Out Cashier (serious) I went to my Walmart and bought an electric dog collar, rope and cereal" +9193,1,What do you call a Communist sniper? A MarxMan +9194,0,"Why is everybody at the beach called ""boss""? Because they're all at SEA-level!" +9195,5,Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as... “The most violent book I have ever read” +9196,3,"How to make your wife scream from sex. Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex. They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day they meet. The first friend says, ""I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."" The second friend says, ""That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."" The third friend says, ""That's nothing! I made love to my wife for five minutes, I came once, and then I wiped my dick clean on the curtains and she is still screaming""." +9197,1,My pet was reading Carl Marx It's a commyleon +9198,0,"Church Holiday. A grandfather,his son,and his sick stepson prepare to go to church on a religious holiday during the winter. After getting to the church,they get out of their car to see the priest opening the church doors. The priest looks at them,stumbles back and mumbles: ""Oh my Lord,it's the Father,The Son and the Holy Spirit!""" +9199,4,"The Hunchbacks Apprentice Quasimodo the hunchback was getting somewhat long in the tooth, and his lack of vigour was starting to show. The enthusiasm wasn't there, no cheerful smile or impish oafishness characterised his stagger, and the hint of gleefulness from his glory days had long passed with the tide of the years. The cardinal of Notre Damn, increasingly aware of the lacklustre in the sounds peeling from the bell tower, one day decided to ascend the steps to speak with the hunchback. ""Quasi, mate, you've done a Stirling job for Paris and its people over the years. You're ridgy-didge in my books, but ya know, some of the other priests have noticed that the ol *joi de vivre* just doesn't seem to be there for you anymore. Have you ever thought of training up a young apprentice to take over the bell ringing gig? Quasi looks up through his mangy locks to meet the cardinals eyes, first in anger, but then in resignation. He stares off into the distance, far across the reaches of the city skyline and mumbles quietly ""You know, I've never really considered it. This place has been my home and my family for so long, I've never wanted anything else. But maybe you're right. Maybe it's time to find something more, something different.... Give me a few days to mull it over."" After a long period of soul-searching and self-reflection, Quasi finally agrees to the cardinals idea and heads down out of his tower and once again into the bustling markets of *les enfants rouge* where he comes across a cheerful young man, shining shoes for pennies. Quasi approaches the young man, raising his hood ever so slightly to reveal the prominence of his enormous brow, and with a twinkle in his eye, he says ""Hey kid, want a real job?"". The young man, instantly awestruck by the presence of the legend jumps to his feet and says ""it's, it's you... it's really you!"" ""Shhhh!!"" says Quasi, ""what I'm offering you is something only that only the most dedicated, the most fearless, and the most selfless of souls would dare accept."" ""Are you interested?"" ""Of course!"" ""Then follow me"" A short while later, the two men stand atop the south tower in the full brunt of a cold and windy Parisian winters' day. The young man shivers in the cold, the older man looks intently into his eyes. ""This is where the magic happens kid"" he says, spreading his deformed arm expansively across the vista before their eyes. ""The only real challenge to the job is actually getting ol Emmanuel to sing. You see, unlike the other bells, this grand bell lost its clapper years ago and the cardinal has been pretty skimp on the upkeep of these towers. Over the last few years, I've mastered my own technique. So pay attention boy, and watch how it's done."" The hunchback throws off his heavy cloak, revealing his aged and gnarled musculature, and with the wind whipping at his grey beard he roots each of his enormous arms to the lip of the bell, drawing it back with all his might and flinging it forward and up into the air. He releases and with the enormous bell waving slowly, silently, menacingly, back and forth, he turns back to the young man and growls ""Strength, courage and bravery. If you hesitate you will get hurt"". He waits and watches the bell, and at the apogee, he sets his stance, raises his shoulders to his neck, grits his teeth, and leans in as the mass of metal rushes at his head. A deep and resonant peel rings out as the crown of his forehead connects with the strike point, stopping the bell almost dead in its trajectory, save for a few inches of controlled sliding underfoot from the hunchback. ""Your turn kid"" Quasi draws the young man close and says ""I'll get it swinging, just concentrate on what I said. Courage, Strength, Bravey"" He's sets the bell into a gentle spin and let's the young man set himself for the challenge. The young man leaps into face the bell, but at the last instant, he is overcome with terror and attempts to avert his face by flinching back, only to have the lip crash hard into his mandible, fracturing his jaw instantly and dislodging several teeth in the process. The bell lets out a muffled peel. The young man collapses to the floor, clutching his face. ""No, no, no!!"" yells Quasi ""You lost your nerve! You can never flinch. If you have to back out, then for god's sake duck! Don't flinch back!"" The young man slowly rises to his feet, clearly severely injured, but determined. Quasi raises one eyebrow and says ""Again?"" The boy nods. Once more, the old man sets the bell in motion. Once more, the young man sets himself. Once more he flinches. This time raising his nose to meet the lip of the giant bell. Crunch! Once more, blood erupts from his face, and once more the young man crumples to the floor to the whimper of a soft peel of response from the bell. Quasi looks at the young man and grumbles to himself ""I should have never agreed to this. Young kids these days... They don't listen and they've got no bloody resilience"" ""Look kid, just forget it. Go home, go back to shining shoes for pennies. I will find someone else who actually has real courage, real strength and real bravery."" Incensed, as Quasi had hoped, the young man staggers to his feet once more, and with a mangled primal scream into the harsh winter's wind, he grabs the bell, and fuelled with adrenaline and rage, casts it with near Herculean strength high up into the sky. But rather than taking time to set himself, this time her reacts instantly and instinctually. He haunches his shoulders and aims his crown directly at the lip on the very first return of the bell. He makes perfect contact! The bell peels deeply, and somewhat unsurprisingly, the change in momentum of the impact in against an unset stance sends the young man flying backwards through the air, straight out of the bell tower and down onto the cobbled streets below where he lands with a solid thud. ""Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!!"" mutters Quasi repeatedly as he hobbles down the steps to the tower as quickly as possible and out onto the street where a crowd have gathered. A passer by is at the young mans side, cradling his lifeless head in his hands he looks up to the crowd and says ""Does anyone know this young mans name?!"" Quasi looks down and says ""Shit, you know I never did get his name, but his face rings a bell."" " +9200,3,If you are afraid of paedophiles... ...then grow up. +9201,0,What do you call a guy with no head? Sexually frustrated +9202,0,Old lady looking in the mirror says “these aren’t wrinkles they’re laughter lines” husband mutters under his breath “must’ve been hilarious” +9203,1,I was gonna post a famous joke... But I assume you guys have reddit already. +9204,1,What do we say to the Good of Death? Noot today +9205,2,What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male! +9206,3,"A priest wants to go golfing on a Sunday.. ...but he has to run Sunday mass so he can never go, so one Sunday mass he cancels at the last minute. Finally having some time on a Sunday, he heads straight to the local course and starts a game of golf. An angel picks up this happening and brings it to the attention of God. He says ""aren't you going to do anything, God?"" At that moment, the priest hits his tee shot. A freak gust of wind takes the ball and it bounces off the tree, bounces off a rock, and lands in the river. Then, a bird comes and picks up the ball, flies with it partway up the course but is then struck by a freak bolt of lightning. The ball flies out of the bird's beak, bounces onto the green and goes in in the hole, for a hole and one. The angel then turns to God and says ""why did you do that? That's the luckiest shot anyone ever took!"" God just smiles and replies ""yes, but who's he going to tell?""" +9207,2,"Sure, Viagra makes your dick hard... ...but it doesn't make your wife any prettier. " +9208,6,My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. Damn near poked my eye out. +9209,0,"I broke my arm... Bone a = (Bone) arm. There, that's better." +9210,3,Whats the difference between the cancer and my dad? the cancer came back +9211,1,"A friend of mine makes prayer mats with hidden explosives I asked how his business is doing, he said: ""Great! Prophets are through the roof!"" " +9212,2,"A bee, a fly, and a mosquito signed up for a website that sometimes stings, usually stinks, and mostly sucks. What website is this? BuzzFeed" +9213,1,My uncle was complaining about all the participation trophies kids get these days. So I tore down his Confederate flag. +9214,6,"A ten-year-old boy walks into a brothel... And he has a long string. Tied to the end of the string is a huge frog, a frog the size of a dinner plate, that has been squished flat. He walks up to the madam of the brothel and says ""I want to fuck one of your girls."" The madam thinks for a moment and figures the place is illegal any way so why the fuck not? She agrees. The kid says, ""But I want to fuck one of your dirty girls, one that I could catch something from."" The madam is offended, ""This is a clean establishment!"" After a little discussion it is settled that there is, in fact, a dirty girl in room 7. She has gonorrhea. ""Why would you ever want to sleep with an infected girl?"" asks the madam. ""Where here's the thing: I'm getting babysat tonight. And my babysitter? Real sick fuck, she's gonna rape me. So I figure I can give her the clap. ""And then my dad, when he drives her home, is gonna fuck her and she will give him the clap. ""Then when he comes home and fucks my mom she will get the clap. ""And tomorrow when she fucks the mailman she will give him the clap. ""And he is the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog."" " +9215,0,Why did the pope cross the road? To bless it. +9216,2,My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian I mistakes. +9217,2,"I was walking by a prison for midgets... I saw one fall down trying to climb out. I walked over to see if he needed any help. He said ""what do you think?"" I would've helped him if he wasn't a little condescending." +9218,0,What does a muslim man say when he has to pee? I need to take Khaleque +9219,0,"Why didn't the republican promise the homeless person food? He knew the democrat would promise food, so then the homeless person would die of starvation" +9220,3,"So I was talking to Abrham Lincoln And I asked him, ""what are you doing tonight?"". He said, ""My wife's dragging me to a play somebody please kill me.""" +9221,2,I usually scream and curse a lot in the dental clinic Just to fuck with my patients. +9222,1,What would a Kiwi name a peanut butter sandwich? Jiffrey +9223,0,"So my friends are telling me to vote third party Gary Johnson? I said, ""Sorry, who is Gary Johnson? I must have had an Aleppo moment."" " +9224,0,"Wife: Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Wife:Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Husband:Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!" +9225,0,I managed to stop the bullies kicking me. No mean feat... +9226,1,"Whistle I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle, so I bought a steel whistle but it steel wooden whistle, so I bought a lead whistle but it steel wooden lead me whistle. Buh-dum-ching" +9227,2,There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop... But what he really stole was the spotlight. +9228,0,I bought apple-scented shampoo. Now I smell like a truck driver so late for a date that he has to use car freshener for deodorant. +9229,0,"A man is with his wife... Just look at the first comment, the joke is probably better." +9230,2,"A Genie granted me one wish, a bigger dick or better memory What was I talking about again?" +9231,1,"A boy asks a girl to prom... To his delight, she says yes. The next day, he goes shopping for a suit, but when he gets to the tailors he finds that there is a massive line to get in, at least 10 people long. After about an hour, he finally gets a suit. Later on, he realises that he needs to book a car to take them to the prom, so he heads off to the car rental place. When he gets there, he sees that there is a massive line there as well, at least 20 people long. After about two hours, he finally books a car and goes home for the day. The next day, he gets dressed up in his suit and goes to pick up some flowers for his date. He gets to the flourish, and finds that there is yet another massive line, at least 30 people long. After about three hours of waiting he finally gets a bouquet and picks the girl up in the car. When they get to the venue, they find that there is a line to get in, about 15 people. They finally get in about fifteen minutes later, and the girls asks the boy to get her some punch. So he walks over and, fortunately, there's no punch line." +9232,2,"Polish to the left of me, arabs to the right, Here I am, stuck in an immigrant queue" +9233,5,I can't find a joke that was on here today now I'll have to wait a few minutes until it's posted again. +9234,4,What's the difference between an erection and a Ferrari? [whisper] I don't have a Ferrari. +9235,0,"I went to the store today, and saw the price of almonds was very high today I'm not sure what's going on in the world nowadays with nut prices I guess you can say It's Bananas!" +9236,1,Is your refrigerator running?? Because I might vote for it. +9237,0,"Blonde gives postman his xmas bonus She invites him in and he sees a lavish spread of food laid out. Thinking he's interrupting a soirée he starts to leave but she says ""no it's for you"". After stuffing himself he gets up to leave but she slips off her gown and seduces him. Satiated completely he prepares to leave but before he does, the blond slips him an envelope. He opens it to find $1. Perplexed he asks her ""I don't understand? After that exquisite meal, the afternoon delight, why only a dollar?"" The blond replies: ""well when I asked my husband what to give the postman for xmas he said 'fuck him. Give him a buck' *but* the buffet was my idea!"" " +9238,0,"My friend told me a stupid joke. I told him it was so stupid, I want to elect it as president." +9239,3,"I just burned 3,000 calories......... I left the cookies in the oven too long! 😎" +9240,1,Hitler wasn't all that bad. At least he treated all Jews equally... +9241,5,"I was reading in the paper... And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. I thought to myself, ""How could anyone stoop so low?""" +9242,2,"String to penis A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 25cm long. Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, ""let's try the African string and weight technique hon"" The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis. A few days later the wife asked, ""how is our little experiment coming along?"". The husband replied ""Well, it looks like we're about halfway there"". The wife impressed and said, ""you mean it's already grown to 15cm?"" ""No"" the husband replied. ""It's turning black"" " +9243,1,"A joke is like a frog. If you're dissecting it, it's already dead." +9244,0,"3 Tough Mice Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a round of shots. He turns to the other two and says ""The humans at the house I'm at keep putting out this silly rat poison. So I take that shit, chop it up fine and snort it, just for the fun of it."" And he pounds his shot. The second one laughs. ""At my house they put out those silly traps with cheese. I take that cheese and when it tries to snap down on me I grab it and do some bench presses"" He flexes his bicep and downs his shot. The third mouse looks over at the first two, downs his shot and heads for the door. The first mouse asks ""Where are you going?"" The third mouse says ""I'm going home to fuck the cat.""" +9245,0,Masturbating is like making pastry We all use machines now days but every now and then it's nice to use your fingers +9246,2,"My older sister came back from her first year of college and was talking about her favorite sorority initiation called Boo-Khaki I didn’t know it was required of sororities to hate on khakis, like whats the big deal?" +9247,4,I like my women like I like my coffee... No pubic hair. +9248,1,"A man saw a post on Facebook. The post said- hamburger + fries = £5 fries + slushie= £7 slushie + chicken nuggets = £11 How much does a slushie, chicken nuggets, fries and a hamburger cost? The man was incredibly stupid so he dawned on the question for hours and hours. While he was thinking, the answer just dawned on him. He scrolled down to the comment section and typed in one word. ""Diabetes""" +9249,0,What would happen if Dante from devil may cry was on Tumblr? He'd get devil triggerd +9250,1,"Both a Joke and a True Story My girlfriend's middle name is Lee. ​ The other day we were discussing how we can't distinguish the difference between various English language describing words: verb, noun, pronoun, adjective etc. ​ She turns to me, deadpan, and says ""I always remember adverb because I am one"". ​ Confused, I look at her and just say ""What?"" ​ She says, ""I'm Kaitlyn Lee"" (Kaitlyn-ly)" +9251,4,"I was going to join the debating team, But someone talked me out of it..." +9252,2,What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse. +9253,2,"A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them? Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please? Southern Baptist Woman: My eldest daughter's name is Faith. I asked her to take her little sister shopping, but she just ran off with my credit card. Kiosk Worker: I understand. We'll try to find them over the intercom. In the mean-time, please don't worry okay? Southern Baptist Woman: It's too late for that! I already lost Hope! I'm ^^^^so ^^^^^^sorry" +9254,4,Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.. +9255,1,"The FCC arrives at a homocide scene and says to the police: ""We're in charge now. This crime is under the jurisdiction of the FCC."" The police respectfully hand the investigation over the FCC. A nearby onlooker asks what happened, to which a man replies: ""Video... it killed the radio star."" I'm ashamed of myself for this joke." +9256,3,What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. +9257,2,A gorilla walks into a bar. Everybody freaks the hell out. +9258,0,"Bee Borrowers An acquaintance of mine was crying in his beer abut the problems he is having with his bees. He was moaning about the bees in many of his hives having contracted a bad case of ""keeping up with the Joneses."" It seems that were going to loansharks to borrow money to fancy up their hives. ""Now,"" the guy said, ""I have a terrible bee-owe problem!"" " +9259,0,what do you call a ghost story? a boooook +9260,1,Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform? So the Marine have something to hold on to. +9261,0,I'm reading a book about mountain climbing. It's very gripping. +9262,3,To the inventor of suspenders: You deserve the Nobelt price. +9263,6,"I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, ""I want you to try and sell this to me."" ... So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, ""Bring it back here right now!"" I said, ""$200 and it's yours.""" +9264,0,"You look beautiful Wife: Why are you wasting money on drinking? Husband : Why are you wasting money on make up and beauty products? Wife: It is for you dear, I do this so that I can look beautiful to you. Husband : I too drink just for you, so that you look beautiful to me." +9265,0,"I asked ny girlfriend, ""What if dick tasted like hot sauce?"" I asked ny girlfriend, ""What if dick tasted like hot sauce?"" Well apparently she thinks it can really spice things up." +9266,0,"How do you say ""Vladimir Putin is a piece of shit"" in Russian? By getting shot in the back of the head." +9267,1,What did the jew say after soiling himself? Auschwit my pants +9268,4,"Breaking News: NFL responds to lost revenue from kneeling controversy Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string..." +9269,0,"Vato car wash 3 Vatos stand outside a gas station holding a “car wash sign” the sign read “ Raising money for USA” after getting many customers , one customer finally comments on their sign. He said it’s great that you guys are raising money for this great country . To that the vato replied “ Fooo what the fuck are you talking about? We are raising money for US EYYY”!" +9270,0,It would be awkward to rob an amputee convention you'd have to say if you've got hands put em up +9271,0,I went on a 14-day diet. All I lost was 2 weeks. +9272,1,"A young man looking to get married asked A young man looking to get married asked his friend. ""Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."" ""Oh, that's easy,"" his pal replied, ""All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."" ""I did that already,"" he said, ""and that one my father didn't like.""" +9273,0,"An idiot goes to a restaurant. After finishing the meal, he asked the waiter for the bill. As he gave his card to pay, he said, ""Keep the change""" +9274,5,"My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, ""Fried chicken."" She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, ""Colonel Sanders."" Guess where I am now... " +9275,2,Why was there no room at the inn Because it was Christmas +9276,1,How do you get a Chinese dog to calm down? You wok it +9277,1,A girl in a burka smiled at me today I think +9278,0,There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't. And eight others. +9279,0,How do British guys ask for nudes? Show me your tea teas. +9280,0,What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck +9281,4,Why did Obama get two terms as President? Because every black man gets a longer sentence. +9282,1,An old one 1 direction have gone there separate ways. That's ironic +9283,4,"Purple Spaghetti This is a joke made by a friend, not me. It's a pretty long read. ----------------------------------- Timmy was a smart student in the 4th grade, and he was a stickler to the rules. One day, the kids in his class were passing a note around and it found its way to Timmy. Passing notes was against the rules, and Timmy told the kid that he would not pass the note any further, but the teacher found the note in Timmy's possession. ""Timmy, you know you cannot pass notes! Go ahead, read what it says."" Timmy opened the note and softly spoke, ""It just says, purple spaghetti."" The teacher snatched the note from Timmy's hand, her face scrunched up with anger and she scolded him, ""How dare you! Go to the principals office this instant!"" Timmy wandered the halls confused, he opened the door to the principals office and sat down. The principal walked in shortly after, and confronted him, ""Timmy, you are such a good student, how did you end up here?"" Timmy then told the principal about how his teacher kicked him out of class, and it was all because of some note. The principal was confused, he asked, ""Well, what did the note say?"" ""Purple spaghetti."" The principal slammed his desk and screamed, ""Timmy, get the hell out of my school, you are expelled!"" Timmy made his way home and was more confused than ever. He opened the door to his house and sat on the couch. His mom walked in the room and said, ""Timmy, what are you doing home so soon? School doesn't end for another 3 hours!"" Timmy then proceeded to tell his mother about how the teacher kicked him out of class and how the principal expelled him. All because of some note. His mother was baffled, she asked, ""Well, what did the note say?"" ""Purple spaghetti."" Timmy's mother released a wave of unrelenting anger, she started to yell and hit him, ""Timmy, get the fuck out of my house! You are no longer my child - just get out of here!"" Timmy walked the street of his neighborhood until he didn't recognize the houses anymore, he was lost. He found a bridge and took shelter under it. It was really dark, Timmy was hungry and scared. A police officer pulled up to Timmy and asked, ""Hey kid, what are you doing out here so late, it's past your curfew."" Timmy then described the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, and how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house. All because of some note. The police officer looked bewildered, he asked, ""Well, what did the note say?"" ""Purple spaghetti."" The cop instantly grabbed his shoulder radio and began spouting, ""Dispatch all units, we have a Purple Spaghetti at my location, need back up immediately."" He let go of the button and pulled out his baton and started to beat Timmy. The other officers showed up in less than a minute and began to pile onto Timmy, they threw him into the back of a squad car and drove him to the county jail. He was placed in a holding cell with many other criminals. One man asked the other, ""What are you in for?"" The skinny, but intimidating man spoke up, ""I robbed a store at gunpoint, but the damn cops showed."" The next man in line spoke up, he was a giant man with a dead look in his eye, ""I killed my girlfriend because she wouldn't shut up."" Everyone looked at Timmy waiting for an answer, he finally spoke up. He revealed the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house, and how he was assaulted by a police officer. All because of some note. The prisoners were astonished, and they all asked, ""Well, what did the note say?"" ""Purple spaghetti."" The prisoners began to pull out their shanks and jump Timmy, he was stabbed 43 times in the neck. His life left his eyes and he ascended to heaven. He found the pearly white gates and approached them. The man himself, God, turned to face him. A look of confusion sprawled across God's face, he spoke, ""Timmy, you are three years early, what happened?"" Timmy stated the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house, how he was assaulted by a police officer, and how he was violently stabbed by prisoners. All because of some note. God was mystified, he asked, ""Well, what did the note say?"" ""Purple spaghetti."" God spoke, ""Timmy, you need to go down a floor."" A trap door appeared below Timmy and he fell into the pits of hell. When he landed he encountered Satan. Shocked, Satan inquired, ""Timmy, you aren't supposed to be here for another 3 years, what happened?"" Timmy confessed the story about how the teacher kicked him out of class, how the principal expelled him, how his mother disowned him and kicked him out of the house, how he was assaulted by a police officer, how he was violently stabbed by prisoners, and how he was sent to hell by God. All because of some note. Satan was confused, he asked, ""Well, what did the note say?"" ""Purple spaghetti."" Satan said, ""Timmy, you need to go down one more floor."" Timmy woke up with a cold sensation on his back, he was laying on the floor of a supermarket. He got up and looked around, his eyes still adjusting to new environment. It looked like the supermarket that he used to go to, but he knew it wasn't. He figured that he had nothing else to lose at this point, and he went up to the cashier and asked him, ""What does purple spaghetti mean?"" The cashier looked at him and said, ""Oh, purple spaghetti, I know a guy that knows all about that."" He pointed at a purple house across the street and informed, ""That guy sitting on the porch knows all about it."" Timmy thanked the man and started to run out of the store. He reached the parking lot, his eyes were fixed on the house, he was so confused. His feet hit the pavement, and now he was crossing the street. Timmy felt a pain on his right side, and then he saw blackness. He was hit by a car. Moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street. " +9284,2,An elephant was born with 5 tusks Now that's what I call multitusking! +9285,5,"A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer... A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated. On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled. So the wife says, ""Well, I've never had cunnilingus. I think I'd like to try that."" So the husband goes down on his wife everyday between the day of her diagnosis and her next appointment. She seems to be getting stronger and healthier with each passing day. At her next appointment the doctor informs them that she is totally cured of cancer. He asks her what they did to make this happen. So she tells him about how her husband did that for her everyday. The doctor is absolutely amazed and informs her that she'll live a long and healthy life. The husband starts crying and his wife asks him if they're tears of joy. He says that they're not, they're tears of sorrow. The doctor asks why and the husband replies, ""I could have saved my mother.""" +9286,0,"I heard they were going to ask... ...a mother superior to fire the pistol at the next Boston Marathon, but that idea was shot down pretty quickly. So...kind of a nun starter." +9287,1,Memes are like Kids with cancer after a while nobody remembers them +9288,0,"Everyone is talking about people destroying the environment, but nobody is talking about what the dogs are doing. They litter everywhere." +9289,0,Knock Knock Who’s there The Police. Your son has been hit by a drunk driver He’s dead +9290,0,Knock it off Giuliani USA: Knock knock. Giuliani: Who's there? USA: 9/11 Giuliani: 9/11 who? USA: You said you'd never forget. +9291,0,"Two Bears were eating a clown in the woods. One Bear asks the other, Does this taste funny to you?" +9292,0,"Remember that audio clip that went viral? The one where different people heard different a word? Well, the person who discovered that clip hasn't found another internet sensation since. Guess you could say they're resting on their Yannys." +9293,2,Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? Allah hu Akbar! +9294,0,To Be Frank You either have to be yourself or change your name. +9295,1,What's the difference between a dog and a Skyball? Dogs don't bounce when you throw them down the stairs. +9296,0,How did the guy with the extra chromosome feel during anal? Down in the dumps +9297,1,"A good one to get Catholics in church. This has to be done in their most sacred place in front of others. Knock, knock? Who's there? The Pope The Pope Who?? (Just shake your head in shame) " +9298,1,What do you call it when Shaggy goes snorkeling? Scooby Diving +9299,3,"What did the 0 say to the 8? ""Nice belt.""" +9300,2,"Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property. Son: Really? How do you know they're blind? Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer." +9301,2,Thank you for that glass of milk earlier **Sperm bank employee**: What glass of milk? **me**: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk **SBE**: OH MY GOD!! **me**: What?! # # **SBE**: You drank my glass of milk! +9302,0,How much does it cost to get into a giant's castle? A hefty fee..fi fo fum. +9303,3,What's the secret to building a staircase? Just take it step-by-step +9304,3,Why do minorities hate math? Because of inequalities +9305,3,How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost? Just one pence +9306,0,How does Lois Lane know that Superman is bad in bed? Because he always came as fast as he could. +9307,0,My friend invented a form of renewable power that runs on men's egos. Now *that* is big dick energy. +9308,5,"The Bet Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blond at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump. The blond looks at Bob and says, ""Do you think he'll jump?"" Bob says, ""You know, I bet he will."" The blond replied, ""Well, I bet he won't."" Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, ""You're on!"" Just as the blond placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blond was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob. ""Fair is fair,"" she says. ""Here's your money."" Bob replies, ""I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."" The blond replies, ""I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."" " +9309,1,"I was in class one day I was in class one day and someone told my friend to spell orange, so I chimed in and asked, which one? The color or the fruit. True story." +9310,0,What did Santa say when he went to the club? Ho! Ho! Ho! +9311,5,"A fat man decides to get in shape A man wants to lose weight, so he calls the number for ""GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS!"" that he finds on Google. A representative answers and explains: ""Yes sir, our program is guaranteed to work -- and we have both a basic program and an advanced program."" ""Let me try the basic program, for starters."" the man says. He gives his address, and is told that a trainer will be there within an hour. An hour later his doorbell rings. Standing there is a beautiful woman, wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that says ""If you can catch me, I'm yours!"" She takes off running and he hurries in pursuit. An hour later he finally catches her - and has her behind some bushes. The next day he calls again: ""The basic program was great!! Now I want to try the advanced program!"" ""Are you sure, sir?"" the rep asks. ""It's extremely strenuous."" ""I'm sure!"" the man replies. An hour later his doorbell rings again. This time there's a huge, hairy muscular man, wearing only sneakers and a sign that says: ""If I can catch you, you're mine!""" +9312,0,"Gambler's Helpline A counsellor on the Gambler's Helpline receives the following question from a client. ​ ""When is the next race at Randwick""? ​ She replies, ""I am sorry sir, this is the Gambler's Helpline!"" ​ The punter is upset and says ""well what sort of fucken help is this? I want to know when's the next race at Randwick!!""" +9313,3,My physics teacher said I have potential... He threw me off a building to prove it. +9314,2,"Husband: ""honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"" Wife: ""you have the largest penis of all your friends""" +9315,0,"A rapist, a bigot, and Donald Trump walk into a bar. . . . . .and that was just ONE GUY." +9316,1,"Top Ten Benefits of a Trump Presidency 10. Instagram photos of fancy food replaced by photos of comfort food. 9. Household net worth rises if women are considered property. 8. SNL and the Daily Show get a little better. 7. Americans get to experience four year educational historical reenactment of Nazi Germany. 6. Pared down Facebook friends list keeps snooping relatives from seeing your EDM concert photos. 5. College protests exercise the legs of students who did not leave their dorms to vote. 4. Most violent and racist members of society can leave woodwork and mingle with general population without fear of rejection. 3. No trees to block our few across Flat Earth. 2. Hillary gets to wear comfortable clothes and binge-watch Netflix. 1. There aren't any, Jesus, sheeple." +9317,1,"This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious..." +9318,0,"Why don't Ducks ever top up their mobiles? They're all on Bill Pay! < ah c'mon, it's worth an upvote just for spelling ""they're"" correctly>" +9319,0,Kükürt +9320,0,Did you hear about the latest terrorist attacks in France? It was nice!! (I'm sorry if this was too early guys) +9321,0,The women/men in this bar remind me of the internet. Nothing but 1's and 0's as far as the eye can see. +9322,0,"I don't have many friends: I don't have many friends but I can draw pretty well, so I drew a bunch of friends But I only draw in black pen.. So I feel really uncomfortable " +9323,0,Heads or tails? Asked Shane Dawson to his cat +9324,0,"Did you hear about the guy who sneezed on the platform and fell in front of a train? ""Snot funny""..." +9325,0,A guy with alzheimer's walks into a bar A guy with alzheimer's walks into a bar +9326,1,What do you call a confused racist who speaks Spanish? A member of the Que Que Que. +9327,0,What's the best way to make money as an artist? First you have to die. +9328,1,I wasn't paying attention and almost drove my car right into the front of a store. Although it's hard not to when you're driving through a shopping mall. +9329,0,I think I may be indecisive But I'm not sure. +9330,1,"In Europe, Bigfoot is called Bigmeter." +9331,0,What do communists put in their soup? Soviet Onions. +9332,2,"Could have been a rich man A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, ""What's the problem, pal?"" ""My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."" ""Yeah, so?"" ""Don't you realize?"" the man cried. ""I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!” -" +9333,2,"WARNING TO ALL LORRY DRIVERS Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say ""Cah"", none could say ""Lorry.""" +9334,0,What do you call a dead almond? Die almond +9335,3,Why did the traffic light turn red? The traffic caught it changing. +9336,9,How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2? +9337,0,Don't have unprotected phone sex. You might get hearing AIDS +9338,2,"3 men on construction site 3 men are on a construction site of a highrise during lunch 1st guy opens up his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He says ""ham ham ham that's all I get. If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping off this building and killing myself."" 2nd guy opens up his lunch box and sees a turkey sandwich. He says ""turkey turkey turkey. That's all I ever get. If I get another turkey sandwich I'll jump off and kill myself."" 3rd guy opens his box and sees a bologna sandwich. He says ""bologna bologna bologna that's all I ever get. One more bologna sandwich I'll jump off and kill myself"" Next day during lunch 1st guy opens his box. Ham sandwich. Jumps off and kills himself 2nd guy opens up his box. Turkey sandwich. Jumps off and kills himself. 3rd guy opens box. Bologna sandwich. Jumps off kills himself. They day of the funeral the wives of the first 2 men are crying and weeping. Only wishing that if they had known they would've made something different. They turn to the third wife who proceeds to say ""what? He makes his own lunch."" " +9339,0,2100s kids won't get this Jobs (Robots will take them all) +9340,1,"What did Demi Lovato's counsellor tell her in rehab? If you take that, I think you'll have a heart attack." +9341,4,"Bisexual Son Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual. Dad: And that means you would have a male partner. Me: Yep. Dad: Or a female partner. Me: Yep. Dad: And that means you're bi. Me: Yep. Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?" +9342,3,Why was the dyslexic kid sad on Christmas Morning? He wrote his letter to Satan +9343,3,A man is fucking a woman in the car in an empty parking lot. A police cruiser stops and the cop gets out. He knocks on the door. The guy rolls down the window. Cop - what you are doing here is illegal. Now either you go to jail or I am next when you are finished with her. Man - it’s ok but I have never fucked a cop before. +9344,0,"Love and Hope So I used to know these two chicks. One was named Love and the other was named Hope. Hope and love were sisters and went everywhere together. Anyways, I got to know both of them pretty well, never truly like romantic close with either until later on, but we were all good friends. I would go hang out at their house from time to time. It was like a second family for me. One day, neither of them were home. Their parents thought they were with me, but I thought they were with them. We went off searching all the spots we could think of. They were missing for 3 days. I gave up looking on the third day, and went back to my house, wanting to relax after worrying so much. I walk in and there's Love, sitting on my couch, crying. I ask her everything. Apparently they had been kidnapped and were going to be held for ransom, but Hope tried to be a hero and take down the man holding them captive. She was shot down and killed in an instant. After she told me this I tried comforting her the best I could. But I couldn't help but think to myself... We found Love in a Hope-less place..." +9345,3,"A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, ""I'm looking for a turn-off"" I said, ""I re-post jokes on Reddit.""" +9346,0,"I just heard that George Michael has died. It's sad but let's face it, he was a pain in the ass" +9347,2,"A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ""Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologized and said, ""I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."" The driver replied, ""Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.""" +9348,0,What killed the Aztec? A broken heart. +9349,5,Why did the feminist fail algebra? She couldn't solve inequalities. +9350,2,As I spread my girlfriends legs I thought this is the weirdest thing i've ever had on toast +9351,2,"Birhtday Present A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note : ""I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."" All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." +9352,0,What does a banjo sound like when it's completely in tune? No one really knows. +9353,2,"Today i got a memo from the HR for sexual harassment.. All that happened was a female co-worker came wearing a t-shirt with the caption ""GUESS"" So i said "" might be 32C "" .." +9354,2,"Foul mouthed parrot A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. She finds there’s three birds available. Two fine plumed parrots for 200$ and a really exotic multicolored one for 20$. The pet shop owner explained that the beautiful one is on discount because of its coarse language from having previously lived in a brothel. The woman buys the cheap parrot. When they get home she sets the parrot up in a cage in the living room. The parrot looks at her and says ""Brand new madam! Hello there!” The woman laughs. Her daughters walk in and the parrot says “Brand new hookers! Hello there!” They all laugh again. Her husband comes in to see what all the commotion is about. The parrot looks at him and says “Brand new customer! Hello there!” The whole family is in splits. The woman opens up her laptop to share the story online. The parrot looks over her shoulder and says “Same old joke! Hello there Reddit!”" +9355,6,I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money. +9356,1,My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age. especially if you have one leg. +9357,1,"Poseidon, God of the Sea, wanted to take one day off... ""Zeus"" he says, ""I'm tired of this whole 'God of the Sea' business."" Zeus says he can take a day off and give his powers, for just one day, to the first animal he sees when he goes ashore. He puts his powers into a sheep. Suddenly, the sheep levitates, and walks out into the sea. The sheep spends its whole day as master of waves, causing storms and ship wrecks in some places, calming the waters in others. In one place the sheep is feeling calm, and brings an end to a terrible hurricane. There's a boat where two fishermen are out, grateful that the storm has cleared, the waters are still, and the sun has come out. They look out and see the sheep. Walking on water. One turns to the other, points at it, and says, ""Water Ewe doing here?""" +9358,1,How to measure the perfect amount of pasta Step 1: Measure out the perfect amount of pasta. Step 2: Wrong. +9359,0,"Man walking into a bank... A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, ""Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."" ""Please"", says the woman. ""I won't have that kind of language in this bank."" ""Well excuse me, but this fuckin check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin away about my language."" ""Sir, I don't have to take this abuse"" she says. ""Well then let's get the fuckin manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"" The manager is summoned, and says ""What seems to be the problem?"" The woman says, ""This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."" The man says ""Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin check for 15 million dollars."" The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says ""And this fuckin bitch won't help you?""" +9360,1,What do you get when you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. +9361,3,"What's the difference between Kylie Jenner and an egg? One is just a fragile shell, containing contents so shallow, they hardly give any sustenance to those who want it. And if dropped, or tossed away, can be easily replaced by bunch of others, exactly like them. And the other is an egg." +9362,0,What do you call it when you withold calamari to Ukraine in exchange for an investigation into Joe Biden? Squid Pro Quo +9363,2,What do you call a flying Grizzly? ...a bearoplane +9364,0,My grammar school is too cheap to have mouses for our computers They have mice +9365,2,What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno buisness +9366,2,What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons? Python +9367,2,What's the square root of 69? 8 something.... +9368,0,"I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler. I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler. He sure was a popular guy. Everywhere he went, people shouted “Hi Hitler” and gave him a little wave." +9369,1,After a recent trip with my wife I can say for a fact that the town of Moorehead Kentucky was given the wrong name. +9370,0,Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal *A: A cereal killer!* +9371,0,My family was so poor when my father died they asked my mother “paper or plastic?” +9372,0,What did the asian man say when he saw a dog. I am wong ting it for dinner. +9373,0,"A joke I've seen on SpongeBob Guy: ""Dude!! You're a genius!!"" Me: ""Yeah I get called that a lot."" Guy: ""A genius?"" Me: ""No. Dude."" " +9374,1,"Dad, I think I'm lactose intolerant... A family is sitting at the dining room table and the mom just served everyone lattes that she made. The son looks at his dad and says ""Dad, I think I'm lactose intolerant."" The dad says ""Son, your mother made you that latte and you're going to like it."" A couple years later, they're sitting at the dining room table and the mom is serving everyone some fresh baked bread she made. The son says ""Dad, I think I'm allergic to gluten."" The dad says ""Son, your mother made you that bread and you're going to like it"". A few years after that, the son walks up to his dad and says ""Dad, I think I'm transgender."" The dad says ""Son, your mother gave you that Y chromosome and you're going to like it""." +9375,0,What kind of cheese do zombies like? Organzola +9376,1,"Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his rectum? He's alright now, his condition is stable." +9377,2,"There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection... After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. ""Well, there's good news and there's bad news,"" she says. ""The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating and there is no cure."" The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. ""So what's the good news?"" he asks. The doctor says, ""There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"" The guy thinks about it and finally says, ""Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."" So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend have to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the table top and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. ""Wow!"" says his stunned girlfriend, ""That was impressive! Can you do that again?"" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, ""Probably... But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my bum!""" +9378,2,Knotty Knotty! Did you hear about the spider that tried to join Reddit a while ago? >!He got banned for crossposting in multiple threads!!< +9379,0,Ever laugh so hard at a Nazi joke.... That you gas a little? +9380,1,How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I’ll tell you later. +9381,2,I crashed my AMG GT into a tree Now I know exactly how the mercedes bends. +9382,3,What kind of plants grow in bathrooms? Toilet trees. +9383,1,I object to all this sex on television I keep falling off +9384,1,"Your momma's so fat.... She saw a yellow bus full of white kids and screamed ""FOLLOW THAT TWINKIE!!!"" god i miss middle school" +9385,3,"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today, where the hell were you? The drill sergeant said. The private only replied, ""Thank you sir.""" +9386,0,What’s the preferred gun of pirates? The AR +9387,3,What was Stalin's favorite chemical equation? HAmAr + SiCl +9388,1,I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. It's seven. +9389,0,What do you call a baby Pumpkin with a face cut in it? A premature jack-o-lantern +9390,2,"Mr. Janus and Mr. Rodick are co-workers. They had both decided to go to the bar after work. At the bar, they meet another guy named Bob. Bob goes up to Mr. Janus and asks, ""What's your name?"" ""You can call me Mr. Janus."" Then Bob says, ""I'd prefer to use a first-name basis, it's more casual. What's your first name"" By this point Mr. Janus is sweating like crazy, he doesn't answer, but then his buddy Mr. Rodick interupts, ""It's Hugh, Hugh Janus!"" Both Bob and Mr. Rodick are now laughing like crazy, Hugh is really upset, so he stares Mr. Rodick in the eye and says, ""Shut up Mike!""" +9391,0,A traffic cop pulls over a physicist. Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Physicist: I have no idea... but I know exactly where I was. +9392,2,"What makes a good tongue-twister? Well, it's hard to say..." +9393,0,"Guy walks into a store for tampons The new salesman asks him what he's looking for. After a very long time the guy leaves with the tampons, several fishing poles, a tacke box, every kind of lure they sell, a net, an ice chest, and the stores deluxe fishing boat. After seeing the new sales guy in action, the manager comes up to him and says ""you just sold that guy over $12,000 of merchandise on your first day! How did you do it!?"" ""Simple, when he asked where the tampons were I said, your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing.""" +9394,2,What do you call a chicken doctor? A chicken tender. +9395,4,"Bring me a beer before it begins! Dad loves to tell this joke whenever he gets the opportunity: A guy comes home, takes off his coat and make his way to the living room. He turns on the tv and catches a game. He sits on his favorite couch then kick back and relax. He then adress his wife in the kitchen ""Honey! bring me a cold one from the fridge befores it begins !"" And so the wife brings him a beer from the fridge which he prompty drinks. ""Honey! an other cold one befores it begins"", the man says again. And the wife brings him a second beer, which the man also drinks in a few sips. ""Honey! bring me an other one befor..."" He starts. To which the wife starts shouting, ""Ever since you've arrived you've been relaxing on the couch and drinking beer while I'm preparing the meal for the both of us even though I also had a shitty day at work and..."" -There, now it begins." +9396,0,What is the most grate-ful Japanese cheese called? Arrigato kerrygold. +9397,0,What do you call russian roulette without a gun? Roulette +9398,0,What does a white woman and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts +9399,0,How do mathematicians write? In recursive +9400,5,"A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods After the bear is done he turns to the rabbit and says ""do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"" The rabbit looks confused and says ""no, I've never had a problem with that"" The bear smiles and says ""good"" and picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him." +9401,1,I gave up drinking for good I only drink for evil now +9402,2,"At a wedding reception I attended, some one said, ""Gentlemen, please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living."" The bartender was nearly crushed to death. " +9403,3,Life is like a box of chocolates. Fat people get through it quicker. +9404,0,What was the worst part of the clown purge? Not knowing how many of them could be in that car driving past you +9405,0,"My mother asked me to fix her computer today, so I jiggled the mouse. It was a cursory attempt." +9406,0,Why was 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 was a registered 6 offender +9407,1,What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church +9408,0,Who got the insurance money when Joe died? Joe mama +9409,0,Porn director: Capacity Y: How do i cap ass? +9410,2,"One day the triangle player of an orchestra gets very ill and goes to the hospital. He spends the entire day practising despite his fever and all his constant sneezing and sniffling. The next day, he goes home to find his house surrounded by police cars. He asks a police officer, ""What happened?"" The officer replies, ""Your conductor came by your house to talk to you while you were still at the hospital. He was really angry that you missed the rehearsal. When he got home and found that you weren't there he killed your entire family in anger."" The triangle player, stunned, looks deeply into the police officer's eyes and with a single tear running down his face, he asked the officer, ""The conductor wanted to talk to me?""" +9411,1,Coding Jokes post coding jokes I will
your heart +9412,0,What did the Police Officer say to the AIDS patient? Spread 'em! +9413,1,"You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school? The one who won't shut up about it." +9414,0,Yoghurt is not good for you because.. Then it would yogheal. +9415,0,What was the difference between C# and VB About 6 months. +9416,0,I like my women how I liie my coffee Room temperature +9417,2,"Why do divers fall out of the boat backwards? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the damn boat." +9418,0,"Fuckin' grandma Once upon a time, while walking along a trail, I, a 7-year-old grandson, commented, “There’s a fork in the road back there.” “Really?” Gramgram asked, imagining someone’s missing silverware. But then a thought occurred to her. “Oh, was it a plastic one?” Laughing hysterically, I said, “No, Gramgram, it’s where the road splits in two!” 🤪" +9419,3,"'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife. I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'" +9420,0,'Namaste' is the ideal party greeting because.. .. it means 'I bow to da wine in you'. +9421,5,"A hooker walked up to me.... And said ""I'll suck your dick for $20."" I said ""Let me see the $20 first.""" +9422,0,"A man goes out to a bar and has a wild night. The next day he wakes up, and is shocked when he sees two rings on his wing dang doodle. One blue, the other brown. He goes to the doctor that same day somewhat hysterical. The doctor takes samples of both ring and sends them to the lab for testing. When the tests finally came back the doctor said, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that the blue ring is made of lipstick. The bad news is the brown ring is made of Skoal.” " +9423,2,"I bought some Shredded wheat, but I think it's a bit of a con. It's no more muscular than regular wheat." +9424,0,Show me your computer and I can guess your salary... jk but I bet pc folks got mad for a second. +9425,3,How do Welshmen find sheep in tall grass? attractive +9426,0,"(NSFW) What does cauliflower have in common with anal sex? If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult." +9427,0,Why do Plants in a coma have a 0% survival rate? Because they always go towards the light. +9428,0,Why don't Victorian men ever talk about sex with their women? They're very anal about it. +9429,3,Day 329 without sex I went to Starbucks just so that I could hear someone scream my name.... +9430,1,"One day, Heaven is full... One day, Heaven is way too full and can’t accept the influx of people. So, while everyone inside works to find a solution, St. Peter is given explicit instructions: only let people in who have had a bad day on the day they died. Late in the day, a middle-aged man walks up to the Pearly Gates and asks to be let into Heaven. St. Peter asks him how his day went. “Oh, it was horrible,” the man replied. “I came home from work and walked up to my apartment on the 27th floor of my building. When I walked into my bedroom, my wife was laying there, no clothes on, and asked how work went. I knew there was something fishy going on , so I checked everywhere in my apartment to find the fucker who slept with my wife, but couldn’t find him. “Finally, I stepped onto the balcony and saw the son of a bitch hanging from the railing. I grabbed him, threw him off, and watched him fall all the way down to the ground! But, miraculously, he survived the fall. So, I pick up my refrigerator and heave it over the balcony. It lands on him and, hopefully, kills him. The strain of picking up the fridge gave me a heart attack though, and I died on the way to the hospital.” St. Peter is standing slack-jawed at the man in front of him and eventually says, “Head right on in sir, you deserve it!” A little while later, a young man approaches the Pearly Gates and asks to be let in. St. Peter asks him how his day went. “It was awful,” the young man says. “I was working out on the treadmill in my apartment. I keep it on my balcony so I can get fresh air when I work out, especially with it being on the 28th floor and all. Out of nowhere, the treadmill goes haywire and speeds up, throwing me off of my balcony. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below me and hung on for dear life! “A few minutes later, this old guy comes onto the balcony and throws me off for no reason! I fall all the way down, but somehow I survive. But, as I’m trying to get up, the asshole throws a refrigerator off his balcony and it lands on me!” St. Peter attempts to hide his chuckling as he lets the young man into Heaven. A few minutes later, another middle-aged man approaches the Pearly Gates and asks for admittance. St. Peter asks him how his day went. The man says, “Picture this: I’m naked, and in a refrigerator...”" +9431,0,"When I die, I want Hello Games to lower me into my grave So they can let me down one last time. " +9432,5,"Carl woke up. It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days. Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky. He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ago. Like most, he relied heavily on his trusty machete. He needed to find somewhere new to take shelter; you don’t stay in one place for long, not these days, so he started to walk. The road ahead was blocked by a crowd of them, moping around, groaning for a meal. He decided to cut through the forest and edge his way past them, but out of the corner of his eye he caught glimpse of a building. He ventured closer and realised it was a prison. The place was full of people, all armed with knives and daggers. The settlers were friendly and took him in. As the day passed, Carl let down his guard, he was safe here, for now. That night, they heard groans approach the prison. Suddenly a scream was heard from within, “the dead! THE DEAD!” The Zombies had broken in. After a few minutes they had already overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were being eaten alive. Stumbling through the night, with zombies close on his tail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with swords, axes, spears and guns, more guns then he’d ever seen with stashes of ammo. Carl warned them that there was a large pack of zombies following him. They checked, a few had turned into hundreds and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had, but wave after wave ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the ammo ran dry. They broke through the barricades, the settlers fought hard, but they were all slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who had eluded death once again. He ventured deep into the dark wood, stumbling through the overgrown foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge wooden wall. As he got closer to the entrance, he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clucked three times and pecked on the huge wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, an old redneck farmer and his wife. “nice ta meet ya sonny”, said the farmer, “come on in ayn' ava drink” Carl immediately warned them that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “We need to do something! Have you even got any weapons?” Carl shouted... “Naw, we won't need em”, said the farmer “The chick’n will deal with em” said his wife, calmly. Carl was anxious, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation... The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, battered off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them. Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?” “Well”, said the farmer, “we figured t’out a long time ago. We dun' need any weapon’s at all, for the Hen is mightier than the Horde.”" +9433,0,I painted the garage with my girlfriend yesterday Now I can’t get the paint out of her hair. +9434,2,"A man goes to a casino He stays there the whole day and he's always losing. The next day he comes once again and loses everything. The third day he does the same and the dealer asks him what his job was so he could afford to lose so much money and he says that earning money has to do with personality. He says: ""I for example earn 12 thousand dollars per month and I have a very charismatic friend who says things that melt your heart and he is paid 3 thousand dollars per month. Then I have a very athletic friend who is paid to be taken pictures of and he earns 4 thousand dollars per month. Also a friend of mine is very intelligent and he earns 5 thousand dollars per month."" The dealer then asks:"" So what type of person are you if you are making so much money? "" The man proceeds to answer:"" I am the one who reposts all their shit""" +9435,1,"The instructions on my microwave meal say ""stir and recover"" How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?" +9436,2,"When the Mystery Machine gets a flat, who gets out to change the tire? Scooby-do" +9437,5,Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music. +9438,1,"A reporter at an interview asked Donald Trump.. A reporter at an interview asked Donald Trump the following question: ""Can you tell us, Mr. President, why did you cut primary school funding and why did you raise government prisons' funding by 200%?"" ""Well I'm certainly not going to go back to primary school, am I?""" +9439,0,Why couldn't the trigonometric function get a loan? He didn't have anyone to cosine. +9440,9,"Jesus once said, ""He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword…"" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point…" +9441,1,My ex wouldn't have been a very good sysadmin... She was very much a $user. +9442,1,Have you tried copcorn? The taste is arresting. +9443,2,Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story? Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security +9444,0,Did anyone hear about the fossils down the block? I heard they started carbon dating. +9445,3,"I got pulled over this morning. The officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no sir, but I’ve got some Sting albums”" +9446,2,"A young man meets an old man on the golf course... They play a few holes together and get to the 5th green which sits right next to a road. As the old guy is about to hit his putt a funeral procession slowly drives by. The old man steps away from his ball, takes off his hat and lowers his head for a moment. Then he steps back up to his ball and hits his putt. The young man then says ""I admire your respect for the dead"" Then old man answers back ""well we were married for 42 years it's the least I could do"" " +9447,0,You can never compare Android phones with Apple.. Because you can only compare Apple with Apple +9448,1,What do you call a horse without a heart? Dead +9449,4,"A wind turbine asks another wind turbine: ""Hey what kinda music are you into?"" The other wind turbine replies: ""I'm a huge metal fan""" +9450,0,"Darth Vader woke up in prison and thinks: ""If Padme Amidala comes in, I'm Anakin Skywalker, and if Darth Sidious comes in, then I'm Darth Vader."" The policeman comes in and says: ""How did you get drunk so much, Mr. Christensen?""" +9451,1,So did you hear about the cannibal that broke into the gay hospital? At least he's getting his fruits and vegetables now. +9452,0,"The painkillers are in the top shelf... If not, then i guess ibuprofen wrong" +9453,2,"Three Georgians are having a discussion about shitty situations. Georgian 1: you know what's a shitty situation? I'm standing at a bus terminal and in front of me is a gorgeous woman. Her breasts are plump. Her ass is (muah) a peach. The bus comes. The bus goes and the woman is gone. Georgian 2: naww. Let me tell you a shitty situation. I'm at a bus terminal and in front of me are three gorgeous women. Their breasts are plump. Their asses are (muah) peaches. The bus comes. The bus leaves and the women are no longer there. That's a shitty situation. Georgian 3: fellas, imagine I'm standing at a bus terminal. In front of me are three tall, burly, muscular, gay men. And my ass is (muah) a peach. And there's no bus in sight. (Tried to translate from a different language)" +9454,1,What do you call a covert assasination mission carried out by North Korea in another country? A heart attack +9455,0,Al Kaline was such a great baseball player.... ..... that he had a battery named after him! +9456,1,what's the difference between a bird and a fly? a bird can fly but a fly can't bird. (credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid) +9457,3,An astronaut refused to return to Earth to see his girlfriend he said he needed more space. +9458,1,"Religious figures around the world have pushed for the legalization of gay marriage and marijuana for a long time. After all, it was generally agreed that a man who sleeps with another man shall be stoned." +9459,4,"THREE DEAD MEN Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. ""Gentlemen,"" the Devil started, ""Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."" The philosopher then stepped up, ""OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."" With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,""Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, ""Bring me a chair!"" The Devil brought forward a chair. ""Drill 7 holes on the seat."" The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, ""Which hole did my fart come out from?"" The Devil inspected the seat and said,""The third hole from the right."" ""Wrong,"" said the idiot, ""it's from my asshole.""" +9460,0,"Seriously Funny 7 17 16 Congrats to Dennis Leary. His new show ""Sex Drugs & Rock 'N Roll"" somehow managed to make all three boring! They're making a movie about both upcoming conventions; 'Citizen Vane'. The National Weather Service says there's a dangerous heat dome hovering over the U.S. What else is new...it's an election year! There's a dangerous heat dome hovering over the U S It's going to be so hot & sticky it'll be like being in Christine Aguilera's dressing room. The first time I got undressed in front of a woman was confusing. She got really excited, but then screamed & got off the elevator! On this day in 1955 Disneyland opened. Oddly enough, several of the the original patrons are still waiting in line there! Tim Tebow will speak at the Republican convention. It'll be great to see someone there who knows the commandments who hasn't yet broken them all! A study claims Hilary Clinton's polling really low with evangelical voters. Really, religious people don't trust her...go figure! I'm writing a sex manual. It's called, ""Quit complaining the neighbors keep laughing""! Today's Inspirational Thought; Marriage is the act of disguising your most disgusting faults as charming idiosyncrasies! The first persons to do drugs are said to be the Mayan's. No wonder they screwed up the calendar! IRS agents are like pit-bulls. They smell fear and won't let go until all the life's been drained from you...also don't try to pet them. " +9461,0,"Why was the Amish woman kicked out of her church? Too Mennonite pr. ""two men a night.""" +9462,2,"Princess Diana was all over the radio the night she died, And on the dashboard, the seats and the steering wheel..." +9463,2,I wanted to move to Russia But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags. +9464,1,"Angus McGonagle us walking with his young son, Doolan... ...as they come upon a comely stone fence, Angus says, ""Doolan, me boy, ah built this fence wi' me own two hands... But do they call me 'Angus the Fence-Builder? Nay, nay, they do no..."" They continue walking and aproach a beatiful church. Angus says, ""Doolan, mah son, ah built this church wi' me own two hands... But do they call me Angus; Church-Builder? Nay, nay, they dunnah..."" As they walk along, Angus and Doolan come to a beautiful sheep pasture. Angus asks Doolan: ""D'ye see them fine sheep, m'boy, in that noice paddock? I built that paddock wi'me'own two hands? Do they know me as Angus the Paddock builder? Nay! ""BUT YOU FUCK ONE SHEEP!""" +9465,0,How did harry potter get down the hill? Walking... Jk rolling +9466,6,A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why? Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland! +9467,3,"A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says ""no"" it'll shrink 5 inches. Once he found it, he says, ""Will you marry me?"", but the frog says ""No"". It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, ""Will you marry me?"" ""NO!"", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 would be perfect and he'd ask one more time. ""Will you marry me?"" The frog responds, ""How many times do I have to tell you?! NO! NO! NO!!!"" " +9468,1,What drink does Hitler hate the most? Juice. +9469,0,I really can't stand phoney people.. I prefer televisiony people. +9470,1,"My husband keeps borrowing my kitchen utensils and using them as tools, even though he knows it makes me cross. He says it's a whisk he's willing to take." +9471,0,What do you call a Kardassian on a boat? ...A sea Gul +9472,0,"A racist white man was driving at night when he hit 3 black men, right when he finished burying them a cop showed up Cop: are you sure they were all dead? Racist man: well, one of them tried telling me he was alive, but you know how they like to lie Cop: yeah you're so right. Have a nice night good sir " +9473,1,What causes the Dog to groan? A dog-gone afternoon +9474,0,[NSFW] Why did Michael Jackson always lose the race? Because he always came in a little behind. +9475,2,"What's with Trump and landscape equipment? First he's raking for California, now he's hoeing for Saudi Arabia." +9476,1,What’s the difference between a taliban outpost and a Pakistan elementary school ? I actually don’t know I just use the drone +9477,1,"A rich man tells his wife at dinner he thinks the pool boy is gay. She asks him why. He says ""I was laying by the pool today, and he couldn't stop looking at my erection.""" +9478,2,My dad wakes in and asked me what you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question And then he left +9479,0,What do you call a conservative bar? The rePUBlican +9480,0,Why did the Catholic Church kill Michael Jackson? He was hogging all the kids. +9481,2,An epileptic has started waking himself each morning with flashing lights... He says it’s part of his new plan to seize the day. +9482,5,"Won't you kiss me, doctor, asks a beautiful woman. ""No, it would be against my code of ethics,"" says the doctor. ""Please, just one kiss,"" begs the woman. ""It's completely out of question,"" he goes on. ""I shouldn't even really be having sex with you.""" +9483,4,Why does Santa go down a chimney on Christmas? Because it soots him +9484,0,God damn it beef! I always have a problem with you! +9485,0,"So I have two daughters... One day my eldest daughter asked ""Dad why is my name Rose?"" ""Well when we were thinking of a name for you in the hospital a rose petal fell down and landed on your forehead, so we took it as a sign to call you Rose"" then my other daughter Fridge asked ""uhungh ungh uh uh uh AUGH?""" +9486,2,What kind of animal has a dick on his back? A police horse +9487,1,How long does Ford go before doing a recall about 36 years +9488,5,"A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, ""What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."" The teacher answered quickly, ""That would be the Titanic."" St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: ""How many people died on the ship?"" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, ""about 1,500."" ""That's right! You may enter."" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. ""Name them.""" +9489,0,"What did the red dwarf say to its child? Like father, like sun (OC I think)" +9490,1,You can go anywhere and see tulips But only Chernobyl has threelips +9491,1,"Confucius say, Man who pull out too fast, leaves rubber behind." +9492,0,What's the definition of pessimism? Someone who puts prunes in their All Bran +9493,1,Jenna Jameson opened a retirement home for porn starlets It's an assfisted living facility +9494,3,"A man walks into a ice cream shop and asks if they have carrot ice cream. The worker is baffled by the question and says no. He walks in the next day and asks if they have carrot ice cream, again the worker replies no. The shop owner decides that if he wants carrot ice cream so bad they should make some. The man walks in the next day and asks, ""Do you have carrot ice cream?"" The worker happily replies yes. ""That's fucking gross."" says the man and leaves the shop." +9495,0,"intoxicated Irishman staggering walks into a bar after hours... ...and sees his doctor Patrick also drunk propping up the bar! **doctor:** ...hi Paddy what can I (*large burp*) do for you? **drunk:** ...I think I am a moth! (*he also burps*) **bartender:** ...Paddy its after hours, its not a doctor you need but a psychiatrist. **drunk:** ...well the light was on! **termite:** ... is the bartender here?" +9496,0,To inflict pain on yourself with clothes and enjoy it... You must be truly masockistic! +9497,1,What species is Mike Pence? No-homo sapiens. +9498,0,"Hey baby, are you an insect? ""'Cause you got a fly ass!!""" +9499,0,How do you know if your chef is experienced? He'll be seasoned. +9500,2,"Once there was a penguin on his way to Arizona for a holiday. On his way, he noticed that his car had high oil pressure so he stopped to see what the problem was. On realizing that his car had an oil leak he pulls into the next town to a garage. While it is being fixed he decides to look around the town. Being a penguin, he decides that a nice cold ice-cream could be good, but not having any hands he gets himself into quite a mess trying to eat it with his little flippers. When he goes back to the garage to pick up his car, he asks the mechanic ""What's the problem?"" The mechanic looks up and says ""Looks like you blew a seal"" ""Oh, no, no,"" the penguin replies looking embarrassed ""That's just ice-cream""" +9501,2,"Camel An old man finds a condom in his grandson’s apartment and asks what it is. “It’s a condom,” replies the grandson, sheepishly. “What do you use it for?” asks Grandpa. The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.” Grandpa says, “That’s a great idea.” He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom. “What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist. “Big enough to fit a Camel.”" +9502,4,"I downloaded an app that I thought would help me find great sandwiches... Turns out that's not what Grinder is for. I still got a footlong, though." +9503,2,What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position? Ability to work under pressure. +9504,0,"What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later, and the other will see you after while" +9505,0,My fencing master is behind all the bad behavior on r/jokes... He keeps telling everyone to riposte +9506,1,What do you call nudes from the 90s hot mail +9507,0,What Do You Call a Bad Circumcision? What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off. +9508,2,What do you call 9/11 without the arabs? IXXI +9509,1,You can't call people crazy Because we all came from nuts +9510,1,Why does Python live on land? Because it's above C-level. +9511,1,What's the difference between an attractive date and a not attractive date? His bank account. +9512,0,What’s former US President Richard Nixon’s favorite vegetable? AROOOOOOOgula. +9513,0,Want a great pun about Russia? Then Soviet. +9514,2,"A chicken walks into a library A chicken walks into a library and says ""Book, book, book"" The librarian hands the chicken three books and the chicken leave the library. On the way out the chicken run into a frog. The chicken show the frog the books and says ""Book, book, book"" The frog replies ""Reddit, reddit, reddit""" +9515,1,A man walks into a bar Ouch +9516,4,"A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours? Son: At school. The robot slaps the son. Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates. Dad: Which one? Son: Kung Fu Panda. The robot slaps the son again. Son: Ok! It was a Porno. Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was! The robot slaps the Dad. Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son. The robot slaps the mom..." +9517,0,How did ghe baker get an electric shock? He stood on a bun and a current ran up his leg. +9518,4,"I finished 3 books today.. Might not sound like it, but that's a lot of colouring" +9519,5,I made a website for orphans It doesn't have a home page +9520,4,"As a Brit, I can't get into American football They rugby the wrong way" +9521,0,One thing I know about myself is that o am very confident in who I am... .....right? +9522,0,Fur Coats will make you into a Man They really put hair on your chest. +9523,2,Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire. as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin +9524,2,My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car. So I bought him a toy Yoda. +9525,1,Why is it hard to get to know the real Donald Trump? He is obsessed with putting up walls. +9526,3,"My boss pulled up in his brand new Audi today My boss pulled up in his brand new Audi today and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.”" +9527,7,"A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. ""Amazing,"" he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, ""What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, ""Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."" The old gentleman paused. Then he said, ""Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."" ""Have a good day, sir,"" replied the trooper." +9528,1,Why did I give a stranger my broken guitar? There were no strings attached +9529,3,"Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess... But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing." +9530,1,"Dad, where did my name come from? One day a man was sitting on the porch, reading a book while keeping an eye on his 3 kids who were playing in the yard. The eldest, Rose, comes up to him and says ""Dad, I was wondering, why did you name me Rose?"" ""Well you'd never believe it, but when you were born a rose petal fell from a bouquet on the hospital nightstand onto your head!"" Rose thinks that's perfectly reasonable and goes off to play again. Shortly after, the middle child, Lilly, came over to the porch just as the man's wife came out to join them. Lilly said ""Rose told me you named her after a flower fell on her head so I wanna know where my name came from!"" The wife chirps up: ""Oh, well just after you were born, a petal from a lilly fell from a bouquet on the hospital nightstand!"" Lilly, too, thinks this is perfectly reasonable and goes back to playing in the yard. Not 5 minutes later do the mom and dad hear a screech and a crash as their youngest child falls off of the roof holding an umbrella. The mother scteams and the father yells ""God damnit, Cinderblock, not again!""" +9531,0,It's Friday the 13th and there's a serial killer at the circus He's freaking in tents. +9532,0,Never befriend electrones They are such negative ! +9533,1,How do you know that Adam and Eve were white? Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man? +9534,0,I wonder how often the defensive line in football makes fun of the other team's quarterback Or maybe that's just too offencive +9535,0,Chuck Schumer is totally for border security As long as you don’t try to put up a wall. +9536,3,What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decalfinated. +9537,0,"I just won the lottery and my highschool crush finnaly wanted to go out on a date with me, all my friends called her with something that start with an S and end with a T Smart" +9538,1,"For interviews I was adviced to dress for the job I want, and not for the job I have... So I dressed up like Batman." +9539,3,I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick: +9540,0,Victoria's secret bras may be expensive... But at least they hold up well. +9541,0,Out with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight. Things aren't gonna get messy. +9542,0,"A man goes around to see his friend... His friend's wife answers the door. ""Is Fred about?"" he asks She bursts into tears ""No! He died two days ago!"" ""Oh...before he died did he say anything about a tin of paint?"" Courtesy Tommy Cooper" +9543,0,What is worse than the Holocaust? 6 million jews. +9544,1,I told my wife she was like an unbuilt building Flawless. +9545,0,Why don't Hindus ever have good luck after reincarnating? They always get buried in Indian burial grounds +9546,2,"So a man is at a bar... So there was a guy at a bar drinking and minding his own business. Suddenly, a man walks in carrying a very large duffel bag. He sits down at the bar, and places his bag on the counter. **POOF!** Out popped a little man from the bag who looked around, and then jumped back in the bag. A few moments later he re-emerged from the bag with a smaller (proportionately sized) piano, and began to play it. Curious, the first guy asks ""What's the story behind this guy?"" ""Well,"" the second guy says as he reaches into the bag. ""I found this in the woods the other day"" he said as he pulled a lamp of sorts from the bag. He said ""It houses a genie who will grant anybody just one wish! JBe sure to speak clearly though because he is a little hard of hearing."" The first guy, not taking him seriously spouts out ""Well then I wish for a million bucks."" All of the sudden, the bar is instantly *filled* with ducks, ducks everywhere. ""What's with this?!"" the first guy asked. ""I asked for a million bucks!"" ""Oh yeah?"" the second guy chimed in. ""Do you think I wished for a 9-inch *pianist*?""" +9547,0,This is you speaking to your boss and ~~this is you shouting at your boss~~. +9548,2,What do you call a deadly Jamaican rock? A Diemond +9549,5,"An Arkansas farm boy decides to try his luck in the city. He gathers up his few possessions, tells all his friends goodbye and buys a bus ticket to Little Rock. A few months later, his friends are shocked to see him driving back into their little town in a new, shiny red Mustang convertible. They all rush to catch up to him as he parks in front of his parents' house. ""Damn Jimbo, you must've hit it big in the city!"" one said. ""Nope"", he replied ""I couldn't find a job and was living on the streets. Got all my stuff stoled and didn't have a penny to my name. It was terrible. That's why I decided to come home."" ""But Jimbo, where'd you get this fancy car?"" Another asked. ""Well, that's a funny story."" Jimbo said. ""You see, I decided to come back home, but I couldn't afford no bus ticket, so I set out hitchhiking. Just a few miles outta Little Rock, this pretty woman in this shiny new red convertible stopped to give me a ride. She was really nice and we talked as we were riding along. When we got out into the country she suddenly pulled off the highway onto this dirt road and parked the car. She went and stood in front of the car and took off all her clothes and put them on the hood of the car and told me 'You can have whatever you want'. Well shit, I took the car! Wouldn't none of them clothes fit me anyway!""" +9550,2,I bought my friend an elephant for his living room. Friend: thank you. Me: Don't mention it. *Edit: formatting.* +9551,0,"Abigail was looking for her big break in pornography. She had acted in a couple of adult films before, mostly with her boyfriend, but was confident that she could make it to the top of the business. After coming into contact with a famous actress at a party, Abigail was able to get a tryout on the set with Ron Jeremy. A couple weeks later, she arrived on set and began to film her scene. It was only a matter of seconds, though, before Ron called for a cut and the director sent Abigail to the dressing room. She was feeling dejected and was just about to leave before Ron stopped her at the door. He gave her a piece of advice before she drove home. ""Come back when you get a little more experience under your belt.""" +9552,0,"Yay! This sub-reddit is sweet! Speaking of sweets the byproduct of sugar production is usually sticky and viscous, even at room temperature. So historians and scientists have long been stumped by Boston’s 1919 Great Molasses Flood. Ethan Trex at Mental Floss reports that on January 15, 1919, a massive molasses holding tank in Boston’s north end owned by the Purity Distilling Company, which used the treacle to produce alcohol, ripped open. A 2.3-million-gallon, 26-million-pound wave of the sticky stuff rolled down Commercial Street as fast as 35 miles per hour. It smashed houses and buildings and knocked a firehouse off its foundation. In the end, the sticky tsunami killed 21 people and severely injured 150. By one estimate, Trex reports, it caused $100 million in damage in today’s dollars. Though an anarchist terrorist attack was first blamed for the calamity, investigators soon pointed at the holding tank’s shoddy construction. But the question has remained, why did the molasses explode as a wave and not just slowly drip out of the tank? A group of students at Harvard investigated the event and presented their conclusions at recent meeting of the American Physical Society. “I’m originally from Arkansas, where we have an old expression: ’Slow as molasses in January,”​ Nicole Sharp, aerospace engineer and science communicator who led the group, tells William Kole at the Associated Press. “Oddly enough, that’s exactly what we’re dealing with here, except that this molasses wasn’t slow.” Sharp and her team researched historical accounts of the incident as well as National Weather Service data to understand weather conditions in Boston that day. They then performed experiments in a walk-in refrigerator with corn syrup, which has a similar consistency to molasses, to understand how it flows at different temperatures and to model the molasses incident. According to Erin McCann at The New York Times, the Distillery received a shipment of molasses from Puerto Rico two days before the rupture. The researchers believe that the massive amount of molasses did not have time to completely cool down from its trip from the Caribbean and was likely seven to nine degrees Fahrenheit warmer than the chilly Boston air. When the tank gave way, the warm molasses spilled out in a huge wave, but it cooled very quickly as it hit the cold air, causing it to become thick and sticky. If it had burst during the summer, the researchers say, the molasses would have likely flowed farther and been much thinner. It would have been a mess, but probably not a similarly fatal disaster. After the initially 35 mile-per-hour tsunami, which has been reported to be between 15 and 40 feet high, the molasses cooled and slowly crept around the neighborhood. Sharp explains to Carol Off for CBC radio: It seems like that would be the point where it’s not as dangerous any more. It’s not crashing through buildings after that first minute. It’s just kind of oozing instead. But it turns out that, because it was cold and because the molasses was cooling, that, if anything, that made the molasses more dangerous. Now people who have been knocked down by that initial wave who may have been pinned in wreckage are trapped in places where they have to try to keep this molasses away from their mouth and nose so they can breathe while people are trying to come and get them. That extra cold makes the molasses easily four or more times as viscous as before and that makes it much harder to fight. It’s not the first time researchers have looked into the Great Molasses Flood. Last year, an engineer who researched the construction of the holding tank concluded that it was 50 percent too thin to hold 2.3 million gallons of molasses, reports Peter Schworm at The Boston Globe. Though Purity Distilling was found liable for the accident after a three-year trial, and poor construction was to blame, until this study nobody knew exactly why the tank burst. Stephen Puleo, author of Dark Tide: The Great Boston Molasses Flood of 1919 tells Schworm that the tank was a problem from the beginning and was never properly inspected. The company actually changed the color of the tank from blue to brown-red to cover its leaks." +9553,0,"Darling, do you know the difference between a taxi and a bus ? Wife : No, darling. Really I don't. Husband : All right. We'll take the bus then. " +9554,1,"A man walks into a bar... with a giraffe. He and the giraffe get incredibly drunk. The giraffe falls to the floor with a thunderous crash. The man stands and begins to totter out of the bar. The bartender calls to him, saying, ""Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' there!"" The man calls back, ""Izz *hic* izz not a lion, izz a *hic* izz a giraffe.""" +9555,0,What is that ghastly excuse for auditory amusement? It makes me want to expend my bowels all over this floor... Are you saying I make music? +9556,1,I have two gay friends ... Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. +9557,1,You wanna throw down? That’s literally what you do in a pillow fight +9558,2,"Little bit of a read but funny (Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt) Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move folding someone in the shape of a pretzel). Anyways, the Human Pretzel won all of his matches that night and called out anyone in the crowd that thought they could take him and offered a million dollars to anyone who could make it out the first round. Tim told Matt since he was a great wrestler he should give it a try. Matt agreed and entered the ring. After 10 rounds Matt gets back in his corner and is very tired as Tim is trying to pump him up. Tim: ""Man, you could beat this guy. Hes getting tired and you could be the champion!"" Matt: ""I know but im exhausted, im probably not gonna make another round"" 11th round starts and sure enough the Human Pretzel finally pins Matt. The referee comes flying in and starts to count ""One! Two! Thr"" and just before hes about to lose, Matt screams at the top of his lungs and amazingly ends up on top the Human Pretzel, pinning him, and winning the match!. After the match a reporter rushes to Matt and says: Reporter: ""Matt, no one had ever beaten the Human Pretzel before! How on earth did you do it?!"" Matt smirking: ""Well, i thought i was gonna lose for sure. when he got me in that pretzel lock, I just happened to open my eyes and see a big pair of nuts in my face. So without a second thought, i bit them as hard as i could..... You never know how strong a man really is until he bites his own nuts""" +9559,3,What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roamin' Catholic. +9560,3,Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president... ...and 50 for Miss America? +9561,2,I won’t pay off my student loans until I’m an old man Now that’s what I call in-dentures servitude +9562,0,What’s long and hard and goes up your backside? Your spinal column. +9563,1,What chocolate has a double gender? Her She +9564,0,I got a sunburn while skinny dipping with a whale I burnt my moby dick +9565,1,"I'm building an app to help people fall asleep at night. It'll be recordings of straight white men talking about gender identity, cultural appropriation and modern racism... Name of the app is White Noise." +9566,1,Did you know that Whiskey is a great solution? One double and you'll start feeling single again. +9567,4,What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! +9568,0,Did you hear the one about the dead guy? Neither did he +9569,3,"A man is on his death bed... His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak. ""Martha, how did it happen? My five strong boys winning competitions, chopping wood, marrying beautiful women, and having many children."" ""Hush, Arthur, don't waste your breath."" ""Martha, be honest is the youngest mine? I won't be mad, you've been faithful for all these years. Did I hurt you and you solace in the arms of another?"" ""Oh, Arthur, of course he's yours! Our beautiful boy is yours!"" But Arthur keeps trying to get Martha to confess and she keeps assuring him the youngest is really his boy. ""Please, just admit it, he couldn't be mine. He's so scrawny and not married, not even a bastard child! He cannot be mine!"" Martha is now sobbing and trying to get Arthur to save his energy. She keeps repeating that he really is his flesh and blood. Arthur takes his last breath and Martha sighs, ""thank fuck he didn't ask about the other five.""" +9570,2,"My parents treat me like God ... They don’t believe in me (Not mine, but certainly made me blow out some air through my nose)" +9571,1,"Do you know why the German Wehrmacht girls are in Holland? Believe it or not, they’re waiting for the tram." +9572,1,What do stoners save up for? Weedtirement +9573,3,"The Sports Mechanic Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children. ""My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge. He's 25 years old now and he makes £70,000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann,"" the first woman says. ""My son Charlie read Law at Oxford. He'll be turning 23 in October and he makes £100,000 a year at Shoe Lane Chambers,"" says the second woman. ""My son Max didn't go to uni. He left school at the age of 16, as a matter of fact. He's 30 now, but he makes half a million a year working as a sports mechanic in London,"" the third woman says. ""I've heard of car mechanics, plane mechanics, and typewriter mechanics, but not a sports mechanic. What's that?"" the first woman asks. ""Well, you know, he fixes rugby matches, football matches, tennis matches...""" +9574,3,"I punched my wall today. After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline." +9575,0,"Fun Presidential Trivia The annual salary of Commander-in-Chief is legally set at $400,000 per year. Except for our next one, who will only make $316,000 (or 79% to every man's dollar)." +9576,2,I started out with nothing And still have most of it left +9577,2,"What did one wall say to the other wall? “Let’s, uh, meet in the corner”" +9578,1,(Oc) What do you call a comedian whos act relies only on memes and pun? A Comemeian +9579,9,"A new element was discovered! Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible. “What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?” Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of absolute zero, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion... “0 K Boomer”" +9580,0,I went to the doctor. I went to the doctor with a stomach ache and I left with cancer! I was mad as hell! +9581,1,"Just another blonde joke There once was a blonde who always wanted to learn how to ride a horse. She kept talking herself out of it until one morning she woke up and decided this is it! She was going to do it! So she found a horse she liked and jumped on. At first everything was going great and she’s thinking “well, this isn’t so bad!” But then it gets going a little faster and she starts panicking! She’s sort of bouncing around uncomfortably in the saddle but she doesn’t know how to slow it down! She’s yelling for help but nobody’s around! She starts sliding down the side and tries to grab onto the horn but her hands are so sweaty that she slips! Then she just flies off completely but her foot gets caught in the stirrup! So she’s dangling behind, bouncing around, hitting her head on the ground over and over and right when she’s on the verge of unconsciousness...the store manager comes and turns off the horse. " +9582,5,"Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden. To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, ""Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."" Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, ""Nice try.""" +9583,7,What do you call a person without a son? Per +9584,0,Terrorism is really popular these days... It has really blown up. +9585,1,I went to church for the first time. They passed me a plate of cash so I took it and they chased me out of there! I thought they were offering. +9586,1,What do you call a rooster who's wife sleeps around? A cluck. +9587,1,"So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true... The family that preys together, stays together." +9588,2,"A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet. Next he asked the redhead to test it. She said,“ i think i can drink 15 bottles of beer with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “Okay, maybe 9”. The machine was quiet. Now he asked the blonde woman to test the machine. The blonde woman approaches the machine and says , “i think..... The machine beeped" +9589,2,Why did the paint job in the Autobots home base look so nice? Because Optimus Primed! +9590,1,How does a train eat? It chew chews +9591,0,How do the Chinese name their children? They throw a fork down the stairs and listen for the sounds. *ping* *ching* +9592,2,What's the difference between a cow and a Soviet grocery store? A cow has milk in it +9593,0,Did you hear about the guy who lost his hearing while taking a dump? He deaf-icated. +9594,1,"Portuguese joke! Manuel and Joaquim were walking down the street, when they found a turd on the floor : J: Manuel ! I'll give you 100€ if you eat the turd! M: ll do it! Manuel ate the turd , winning the 100€... The two friend continued walking when they found another turd on the ground : - M: Joaquim ! Now, I'll give you 100€ if you eat this shit ... J: Ok! Joaquim bent down and ate the shit too ... Lesson: The two Portuguese ate shit for free ..." +9595,2,Life hack If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three. +9596,0,"We were inspecting lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating at the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, ""Has anyone seen my gernade?""" +9597,10,"A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks ""Why the long face?"" The man replies ""I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."" The bartender looks shocked and says ""I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."" The man asks ""Well what would you do in my situation?"" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says ""If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."" The man jumps up from his stool and shouts ""That's a great idea! Thanks!"" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. ""Did you kill the guy?"" The bartender asks nervously. ""Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.""" +9598,0,"Why are fire engines red? Roses are red too. Two times six is twelve. There are twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was a ruler. Queen Mary was a ship. Ship's sail on the sea. Fish swim in the sea. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. Russians are red. Fire engines are always rushin', so fire engines are red. Quad Erat Demonstrandum." +9599,0,"How many atheist does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they just need you to understand that ""god"" did Not ""create"" light" +9600,0,Ehrlich Bachmann Is your refrigerator running? this is mike hunt. +9601,4,I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night. I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock. +9602,5,"An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: ""A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."" A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."" The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: ""I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""But that is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."" The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: ""My eyesight has become weak."" Engineer: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,"" passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: ""But this is $500..."" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.""" +9603,3,"I went to the doctor today. He asked me for my stool sample, so I pulled a small chair out of my bag. He yelled at me for wasting his time, and stormed out of the room. I go home. Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture. My nightmare continues." +9604,0,In math class the teacher is discussing division and fractions. She asks the class “What would your mother do if she had 4 apples but had to feed 7 children?”. From the back of the room little Johnny yells out “She’d make applesauce!” +9605,5,"Father ”Son, you were adopted“. Son: “what I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father:”We are your biological parents.Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. “" +9606,0,Crouch down and lean forward. That's how I roll. +9607,0,How do you call a friend that is drowning? By his name +9608,5,"I think my wife is cheating on me. As l returned home from a business trip a day early, concerned that my wife may be having an affair, l was riding in a taxi at about 2:00 am towards my house, so l explained my situation to the taxi driver. While en route home l asked the cabby if he would be a witness. l explained that l suspected the wife is sleeping around on me, and l offered him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time we reached the house, the cabbie agreed. We park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, l flicked on the bedroom lights and ripped the blanket off the bed – and sure enough there my wife was sleeping with another man! l was so distraught! l pulled a gun out of my pocket and put it to the naked man’s head. Just then, the wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…” HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains. HE paid for your Raiders season tickets. HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat. HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’ Shaking my head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, l looked over at the cabby and asked “What should I do?” The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”" +9609,0,Gmail replaced the words on its buttons with symbols Which is great for all the illiterate people who use gmail +9610,2,"I had trouble making friends in college until I came up with a foolproof plan. I started telling girls, “I love you”, and their first reaction was “Let’s just be friends.”" +9611,7,Congratulations West Ham The only club named after two things that ISIS hate. +9612,4,I don't always tell Harambe jokes but I'll take a shot at it. +9613,3,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick +9614,0,What do you call a thick soup? Thoup. +9615,4,"A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair... He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks the boy. “Sure is..,” says the lover. “I have a baseball,” the boy proclaims. The lover confused, asks, “Yeah, what of it?” “I’ll sell it to you for $50.” “Yeah right kid, your out of your mind,” the lover whispers, chuckling at his ridiculous offer. “If you don’t buy it, I’ll tell my dad what I saw,” the boy says. With no other option, the lover hands over the $50 for the baseball and then sneaks out when the coast is clear. The next day, the boy is at home and the scenario plays out again. The wife brings the lover over, the husband shows up, and the wife hides the lover in the closet. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks the boy. “... How much this time?,” the lover asks begrudgingly. “$100 for my baseball glove.” The lover pays the boy and then manages to sneak out when he has a chance. The next day, the dad walks up to his son and says, “What a beautiful Sunday, huh sport? Let’s toss the old ball around!” The boy puts his head down and tells his father, “I’m sorry dad, I sold my baseball glove and ball to my friend for $150.” The father is appalled to hear this. “$150?! That price is a SIN to charge someone for a glove and ball! I have to take you to church to confess!” The dad drags his boy to the church and throws him into the confessional where he sits quietly, waiting. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks the boy. “That isn’t gonna work this time, kid. You’re in my closet now.”" +9616,0,You are what you eat. That's why no one cares about Africa. +9617,2,A train driver drove the train off the railroad This caused serious damage to the train and injuring everyone on board. He was called in to see his supervisors. Supervisor : what the fuck made you do it?! Train driver : I had to.. there was a cow on the railroad.. Supervisor : were you even thinking?! you should have ran it over and not cause harm to the hundreds on board! Train driver: exactly my thought! I made up my mind to run it over. silly cow thought it could escape by running out of the railroad. +9618,2,A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills No change is expected. +9619,0,"Purple passion So billy is sitting on a bench at school when he hears some 7th graders talking about Purple Passion. Billy goes to his math teacher and he says “ what’s purple passion? I heard some 7th graders talking about it.” And the math teacher says “Billy, go to the principals office” so billy heads to the principals office and when he gets there the principal says “Billy! What are you doing here? You are the smartest and most kind student here” and billy says “well I heard some 7th graders talking about something called purple passion, then I asked the math teacher what it meant, then she sent me here.” And the principal says “billy, I’m getting your expulsion papers ready.” Billy leaves the school, baffled on how he was expelled. Billy gets home and his mom says “Billy, I wasn’t expecting you for another 2 hours! What are you doing here?” And billy says “Well earlier I heard some 7th graders talking about purple passion, so I asked the math teacher what it meant and she sent me to the principals office. I asked the principal and he expelled me.” Billy’s mom says “billy, go to your room. we will discuss this later.” So billy waits for hours and hours until his dad gets home and his dad says “Billy, what’d you do to make your mother so angry?” Billy says “I really think you don’t want to know.” Well, his dad says “Billy, please. Women can sometimes be bitches, just tell me.” So billy says “well earlier I heard some 7th graders talking about purple passion, so I asked the math teacher what it meant. She sent me to the principals office so I asked him what it meant and he expelled me, then I asked mom and she sent me to my room.” Billy’s dad says “Purple passion- I no longer have a son! Get out of my house!” So billy walks many miles to his grandfathers house and his grandfather says “Billy! I wasn’t expecting you for many months!” “What are you doing here?” And Billy says “I don’t think you want to know” and his grandfather says “Billy, I’ve fought in many wars my friend! I’ve heard and seen just about everything” So billy says “earlier today I heard some 7th graders talking about purple passion, so I asked the math teacher what it meant but she sent me to the principals office. The principal expelled me so I asked my mom what it meant when I got home and she sent me to my room, then I asked my dad and he kicked me out. Billy’s grandfather had a heart attack. Right as he was about he die he says “get out of my house you fucking swine” So billy, distraught, walks into town again and sees a cop and he says “sir, what’s purple passion? I heard it earlier today from some 7th graders, I asked my teacher what it meant and she sent me to the principals office. The principal expelled me, so I asked my mom and she sent me to my room so I asked my dad and he kicked me out and then I went to my grandfathers house and he had a heart attack.” The cop says “ I’m taking you down town billy.” So billy ends up in the courthouse and the judge says “ why’d you bring this kid into my court room? What harm could he had done?!” And billy says “well earlier today I heard some 7th graders talking about purple passion so I asked my math teacher and she sent me to the principals office, and the principal expelled me. So then I asked my mom and she sent me to my room so then I asked my dad and he kicked me out so then I asked my grandpa and he had a heart attack, so then I asked the cop and he took me here.” And the judge says “Billy, you have 40 years in prison (hammer noises).” So when billy meets his inmate and he says “why are you in here?” And billy says “well earlier today I heard some 7th graders talking about purple passion and I asked the math teacher and she says to go to the principals office and then I got expelled so then I asked my mom and she sent me to my room so then I asked my dad and he kicked my out so I asked my grandpa and he had a heart attack so then I asked a cop and he sent me down town so then I asked the judge and he gave me 40 years.” The inmate says “purple passion-“ The inmate shanked Billy. Billy ends up in heaven and as he goes to the angel at the gates the angel says “Billy! What are you doing here?” And billy says “well earlier today I heard some 7th graders talking about purple passion so I asked my teacher and she sent me to the principals office I got expelled, then I asked my mom and she sent me to my room, so then I asked my dad and he kicked me out so I asked my grandpa and he had a heart attack and I asked a cop and he sent me to the courthouse so I asked a judge and he gave me 40 years so I asked my inmate and he shanked me.” The angel says “ alright bud, you’re going to the big man.” So billy meets *GOD* and god says “Billy what’re you doing here.” And billy says “well you kinda already know, like you watch everything and stuff.” And god says “oh..yeah. Just go to hell dude.” So god hits a button that send billy straight to satan and he’s like “Billy! I wasn’t expecting you for another 10 months! Why are you here?” And billy says “you already know.” And satan says “Billy my boy, do you really want to know what purple passion is? Billy says yes. Satan says “Well billy, purple passion is a joke designed to waste peoples time.”" +9620,0,I tripped in front of Stephen Hawking. He lol'd. +9621,0,I have a Doctorate in urine He watched a lot of 480p videos before he realised he could get his PHD. +9622,1,"My love life is like my dick Still single, and still nonexistent." +9623,2,Only good thing to have come out of my accident and becoming paraplegic is realising what my dream job is Stand up comedian +9624,2,What's the tastiest unit of measurement? Milimeter (mm) +9625,2,Guest at a restaurant! Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either. +9626,0,Why did Judy Hopps find it difficult to rise in her career at the police department? Because of the grass ceiling +9627,5,The only thing harder than diamonds a redneck at his family reunion +9628,1,I farted in an Apple Store Not my fault they don't have Windows +9629,2,When is a dog not a dog? When its pure bread. +9630,1,"My wife was buried after her death. Also, during and right before." +9631,7,"So, this guy has a 12 inch... ...cock. He's always wanted to know what it feels like to get it all the way inside a girl, but the girls he has been with have all had shallow vaginas. So, he goes to a whore house and asks the front desk manager ""I'd like your 3 best and deepest girls please."" The man gives him three keys, charges him $75, and points to rooms 1, 2, and 3. Inside room 1 he finds a redhead. They start going at it - 10 inches in, and he can't go any deeper. Inside room 2 he finds a brunette. He climbs on top - 11 inches in, almost there but not quite. Inside door 3 he finds a blonde. He puts himself inside her and holy shit, he's in all the way! 12 fuckin inches! He can't believe it, finally he know what it feels like! He starts to come but just then the blonde starts foaming at the mouth. He freaks out and runs out to get help. He yells for the front desk manager ""Hey man! Girl in room 3 is foaming at the mouth! I think she needs help!"" The manager calmly leans back and yells for his co-worker ""Hey Tom, dead girl is full again.""" +9632,3,"A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy. The man says, ""Who would ever miss the World Cup final?” The guy replies, ""Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, ""That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, ""No. They're all at the funeral."" " +9633,1,Rated This is underRated +9634,2,"After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule. That was a weight off my chest." +9635,0,"Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Nostalgia, The Critic? Palpatine: Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Walker, The Critic? Anakin: No. Palpatine: I thought not. It’s not a story movie critics would tell you. It’s an Internet legend. Darth Walker, known by his internet persona, The Nostalgia Critic, was a movie critic initially active on Youtube. He was so powerful and so wise that he created a site of his own, where him and many other art critics could post their reviews... He made such powerfull movie reviews, that he was even able to provoke angry responses and fake accusations of copyright infringments from the directors of the movies that he criticized. Anakin: He could actually provoke angry responses from movie directors? Palpatine: Movie criticism is a pathway to many abilities many consider to be unnatural. Anakin: What happened to him? Palpatine: He became so powerfull…that the only thing that he feared was loosing his power, which eventually he did. After many accusations of mistreatment and lack of professionalism against him, many of his former allies abandoned him and his site eventually died out. Ironic. He criticized Tommy Wiseau for being a bad and incapable movie director, but he couldn´t grasp that he was an even worst person than Wiseau himself. Anakin: Is it possible to learn such a power? Palpatine: Not without a money scam." +9636,1,When “I” is replaced by “We” Even illness becomes wellness. +9637,1,If you cut your left hand Your right hand is left +9638,0,"Remember, kids: don't do drugs, unless you want to get hooked. It will ruin your life." +9639,0,"Her Real Job Today, I heard a knock at my front door, so I went over to answer it, and I was met by a little, old lady. She said, ""Hello, do you have a moment to have an intellectual discussion on the impending effects of The Singularity?"" Intrigued by the thought of having such a discussion with a total stranger, I said, ""Of course I have a moment. It's such an important topic!"" After a couple of minutes of a rather disappointing conversation, the lady wished me farewell, saying she had to go work her ""real job"". I bid her adieu, and shut the door. A couple of moments later, I heard a knock on my door. I answered it, and was met by the same lady. She said, ""Hello again!"" I responded, ""Hello..."" And she said, ""Do you have a moment to talk about Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?""" +9640,4,Whats the difference between my dick and my bonus? My wife blows my bonus. +9641,1,"Person 1: What came first, the chicken or the egg? Person 2: Heh, I think it was the rooster." +9642,0,A beer without alcohol is like licking his sister’s pussy Same taste but unacceptable +9643,0,How did the husband of a blonde suffered a concussion? By face-palming 52736 times a day. +9644,0,"I am not racist. Because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people." +9645,0,What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH! +9646,3,"Dude goes to a brothel... So this guy is at home masturbating and decides that he has had enoigh and would rather be with a woman. He looks around his house for some cash and finds $5 and heads down to the local brothel. He walks into the brothel and asks the man behind the counter what he can get for the $5.... the man laughs and points at a chicken. Guy says fuck it and takes the chicken. He was sent down to the last room on the left with the window in it. He's so horny, he rushes in the room and fucks the chicken til it's almost dead. He then returns the chicken and heads home. The next day, he decides to go back with another $5 to see if he can get the chicken again. When he gets there the clerk tells him no because he almost killed it but, they have a show going on with two lesbians going at it. So he goes for it. ""Second last room on the left"" the clerk says. So he goes into the room and sits down, viewing the girls through a window. He turns to the guy next to him and says ""these two girls are awesome, they're really going at it"". The guy responds, ""you think these two are good, you should of seen the guy fucking the chicken last night"" " +9647,3,Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing +9648,0,How many women on their period does it take to change a light bulb? AS MANY AS NEEDED YOU IDIOT!!! +9649,3,"A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "" if you want to get a fruit punch then you have to wait in line"" But there was no punch line" +9650,1,Why is United a bad airline? Beats the shit out of me... +9651,2,What's a White Supremacists Favorite Drink? White Power-ade +9652,1,I've not received any cards from my Ethiopian friends this year Do they know it's Christmas time at all? +9653,1,"Old man gets pulled over by the Police at 2am... The police officer asks what he's doing driving so late at night, he relies ""I'm the way to a lecture on the effects of alcohol and going out late on the human body. The officer asked ""at this time? Who's giving this lecture?"" the old man replies ""that'll be the wife"". " +9654,2,"“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.” “I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “ “I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !” " +9655,4,"I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet. I said ""Candy."" She said ""No, I mean, something I'd like."" ""Shoes."" ""Noooo, something sexy."" ""Your sister.""" +9656,6,If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it +9657,0,"Someone asked me if I have ever had Déjà Vu... I mean, that sounds familiar, I just don't know where I heard that." +9658,2,"A man goes outside to his driveway and spots a snail Disgusted, he goes back inside and grabs the salt. Going back outside, he pours a good amount of salt on the snail. Satisfied, he goes about his day. Two week later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and it's the snail. The snail looks up at him angrily. ""What the hell was that all about back there?""" +9659,0,"For Christmas, I gave my wife a t-shirt and a dildo. I told her if she didn't like the shirt she could go fuck herself." +9660,2,I'm a lot like a mirror. People always just stare at me in disappointment. +9661,1,Helen Keller was truly inspirational She learned to read and write despite being from Alabama +9662,0,"What happens when you combine lesbians with lawyers? Nothing, neither one does dick. " +9663,0,So I met Sean Murray yesterday But I couldn't see him +9664,2,Why did the Fungi leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom +9665,3,Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they’re dead. +9666,6,"An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ""Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."" The doctor was shocked! ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open.""" +9667,0,"An elevator CEO and an economist are in a meeting The CEO is worried about his profit margins, as the materials costs have been rising. He’s almost breaking even. He turns to the economist and says “Fix this before we go under!” The economist looks over to him and says “Have you tried cutting staff?” “I can’t do that. Our employees are important to us.” “Have you tried new sources?” “No one else makes them.” The economist thinks for several minutes. He turns back to the CEO and says, “Have you tried vertical integration? It would really elevate your profits.”" +9668,0,What's brown and lumpy and lies in the forest? Winnie's Poo. +9669,3,Did you hear about the cruise that was rated 3.14 out of 10? It was a pi-rate ship +9670,0,What kind of file can turn a half-inch hole into a two-inch hole? Roy Moore +9671,1,One of North Korea's long term goals has been to eradicate poverty. It sounds way better than eradicating the impoverished. +9672,4,"Two condoms walk into a gay bar... One looks to the other and says, ""Welp, looks like we're getting shit-faced""" +9673,0,Whats Green and flies in a circle? A frog with one wing. +9674,2,"A duck walks into a store A duck walks into a store, picks up a tube of Chapstick and places it on the counter. The clerk asks him, ""Will that be cash or credit?"" The duck replies, ""Just put it on my bill.""" +9675,0,"Did a really tall woman walk this way ? I met an *unusual* woman on the internet. She wished her family could come to America, but I only had enough money to send to her. Every time I messaged her, she seemed to always have a different way of looking at things . She always sounded very different every time we talked. Yet, we agreed to meet, and she flew in from another country. I noticed she was really tall, quite and and wore long dresses in person. She convinced me to marry quickly, I agreed. She ducked awkwardly each time to get in and out of a cab. We where wed, right away and she got her citizenship. It all was moving so fast in those long two days. That night, I thought we might finally spend our wedding night together. I left our hotel room briefly to gets some more ice. On the way back I had to look at my key number several times, and match it to the door. Because when I opened the door, to my shock, three midgets came out of the hotel room, pushing me aside. For some reason, one looked just like her, but only in the face. I never found where she went, though. I guess it's back to the dating site." +9676,0,"I'm not a quitter. ""Lights cigarette""" +9677,0,"Ahaha, thats a good one! " +9678,4,I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job. My dealer has some serious explaining to do though. +9679,0,Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on her calculator? Because she couldn't find the 10 key. +9680,0,Tom Brady's scrotum called It wants its ball back +9681,1,"A man walks into a bar Man : What's the password? Bartender : its 123456 Man types the password ""123456"", gets it wrong Man : no it's not, give me the real password Bartender : its one time two, three times four and five times six Man against types furiously ""244466666"", gets it wrong Man : Give me the real password Bartender : it's in words Man growls and types the password ""twofourfourfoursixsixsixsixsix"", it fails Man : Give me the fucking password Bartender : its its 123456 in words Man : You better be serious this time Man is losing his shit, tries ""itstwofourfourfoursixsixsixsixsix"", it fails Man : Are you fucking kidding me Bartender : its is in capitals Man is now full of rage, might go super saiyan, tries ""ITSTWOFOURFOURFOURSIXSIXSIXSIXSIX"", It fails Man has now lost his shit Man : You fucking ass hole, here's the phone, type in the password or else I'll shove this in your ass Bartender types ""ITStwofourfourfoursixsixsixsixsix"" Man is now on calm down and tries to use the Internet Man : its so slow, this is not working Bartender : then use the other one Man : okay, what's the password this time Bartender : ITSthesamepassword And the sags continues " +9682,0,Joke of the day [insert redditor's name here] +9683,0,David ! Cuts Sides of the Capsule before taking it? David ! Cuts Sides of the Capsule before taking it? . Guess Why? . . . . . . . To Avoid the Side Effects...;-p ;-) +9684,0,"Can your secret society friend hook me up with some free mason jars? Yes, but they are two dollars." +9685,0,Why did Batman go searching for worms? To feed them to his Robin. Ha! +9686,0,The reason why Bill Gates is paying for Donald Trump's wall He knows no Juan in Mexico can foot the bill. +9687,0,Why do we hire Nazis as Game Developers? Because they're Pro-Grammer. +9688,2,"What did one gay sperm say to the other other gay sperm? ""How are we supposed to find an egg in all of this shit?""" +9689,1,"Three construction workers were on their lunch break, sitting on the edge of a cliff next to the site they were working on. One of the workers was Italian. He yelled, ""I'm sick of pasta! If my wife packs me pasta one more time I will jump off this cliff!"". The second worker was French. He screamed, ""I'm sick of these damn croissants! If my wife packs me a croissant one more time, I'll jump off this cliff as well!"". The third worker was Canadian. After opening his lunchbox, he complained, ""I swear, if I get poutine for lunch one more time, it's off the cliff with me! I'm sick of it!"". The next day, same place, same time, the Italian man said, ""Well, see you in hell!"" After opening his lunch to see pasta. He jumped off the cliff. After he jumped, the Frenchman said, ""Oh my god, another croissant! Bye bye!"" And jumped off the cliff. The Canadian, alone, opened up his lunchbox to find poutine. Crying, he jumped off the cliff after his friends. At the funeral, the Italian's wife was crying, ""If only I packed him something else!"". At the Frenchman's funeral, his wife was crying as well. She said the same thing. ""If only I packed him something else!"" At the Canadian's funeral however, the wife was silent. Someone asked, ""Aren't you ashamed? You practically killed you husband!"". To which she answered, ""Oh no, he packed his own lunch.""" +9690,0,Why should you always sell night stands in pairs. Because it's illegal in most states to charge for a one night stand. **Let me know if I'm diluded in believing I made this up. +9691,1,Why should you never buy cars made in Georgia? Because they are always Stalin +9692,1,How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard... +9693,2,"What's a safety supervisor's favourite pick-up line? ""Keep your knees bent and your back straight.""" +9694,3,"A ham sandwich walks into a bar... “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here.”" +9695,3,Two flies were sitting on the toilet. One got pissed off. +9696,4,"A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom... A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit. Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers. Finally, he had to buy tickets, there was yet another long line for the tickets but he waited, and eventually got what he needed. The boy and his girlfriend were at prom dancing. After the music stopped, the girl asked for a glass of punch. The boy went to get drinks and there was no punchline." +9697,4,What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste +9698,0,My girlfriend wanted to visit her mother today... but the zoo was closed. +9699,1,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning... +9700,1,"I got kicked out of the pool today for peeing in the pool I said: but everyone does it Lifeguard: Yeah, but they all do it in the pool." +9701,3,"A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager find an antique oil lamp A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’" +9702,3,"A cop stoped a guy for speeding ""license and registration,"" he asked. After handing them over, the cop reviews his license, looks at his face, and says, ""it says here you need glasses"". The guy politely protested, ""officer, I have contacts"". The cop shot back, ""I don't care whom you know; you still have to wear your glasses""." +9703,0,Why did the Chicken go to kfc? To see the chicken strip. +9704,0,Did you hear about that actress with a vitamin C deficiency who changed her name as a reminder to include fruit in her diet? Her name is Drew Berrymore +9705,1,Why is Trump so good at scrabble? Because he has all the best words. +9706,1,"It was B. B. King's 30th Anniversary with his wife... So to celebrate, she went and got a large ""B"" tattooed on each buttcheeck, to commemorate the love they had shared for 30 years. She got home, said ""Happy Anniversary!"", pulled down her pants, and mooned him. B. B. looked for a moment, and then said, ""Woman! Who in the hell is BOB!?"" " +9707,4,Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap. +9708,0,I masturbate with a condom on.. So I can practice safe sex +9709,0,What's it called when you leave Charleston for Irma? Premature evacuation +9710,2,My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass +9711,0,"For centuries the Jews in Egypt were asking for God to deliver them Life as a Jewish slave in Egypt was painful and short. Many died from the lashes, others from sudden unexplained organ failure. One day, the Holy Ghost spoke to god. After the conversation, God looked puzzled at the Holy Ghost and said, “So, all this time when they asked me to de-liver them, they actually meant...”" +9712,1,My friend won't stop telling me some joke about a king sticking baguettes up his anus... It's starting to become a royal pain in the ass. +9713,2,"Racetrack and the students A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys, James, came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ""You must be in the 5th grade."" ""No ma'am he replied, ""I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race, but I appreciate your help.""" +9714,2,"So there’s this guy, and it’s his first time in New York.. ..and like any tourist in New York for the first time, he wants to do something special. Memorable. So he decides to go to the top of the World Trade Center (this is an older joke) to this famous bar to have a couple of beers and check out what must surely be, a gorgeous view. As soon as he sits down at the bar, some guy sits right next to him, and starts talking to him.. He goes, “Hey, how you doin’?” The tourist, a little weirded out goes, “doing good, how about you?” “Good. You don’t look like you’re from around here..” “Uh..yeah. It’s my first time in New York” “Oh really? Well, I guess you haven’t heard about this bar then” “Uhhh..well…I have, I mean..I’m here, aren’t I?” “Yeah, but that’s not what I mean” Pointing at the stool the tourist is sitting on, the man says “You see that stool you’re sitting on?” Tourist looks down. The man says “that stool.. is from the Titanic, the ship, the actual one..” Tourist genuinely surprised goes “Oh really?” Man says, “Yeah. Yea.. Also, have you seen the bathroom yet?” Tourist a little weirded out again goes, “uh..yeah” Man says, “..well you remember that giant rock by the door? That rock..is a moon rock. It’s from one of the original Apollo missions” Tourist genuinely surprised again now and actually happy he learned this little factoid goes, “Oh wow..that’s actually really cool, thank you for telling me” Man says, “Yeah don’t mention it, this bar is famous because the owner likes to collect really unique and random historical artifacts and he places them all throughout his bar” Tourist genuinely unaware of this and again happy to have learned this goes, “Oh wow, that’s awesome. I actually didn’t know that.” Man says, “Yeah, cool right? You see that window over there?” Tourist unsure of where this one is going, says “uhh..yeah” “If you jump out that window…you’ll fall 10 stories, and come straight back up again through the window” Tourist now chuckling and shaking his head to himself goes, “funny” “No really!” “Come on man, get the fuck outta here, I may be a tourist, but I’m not an idiot” The man, really determined now goes “you don’t believe me? Watch this..” The man steps up to the window, and without any hesitation jumps out..he falls 10 stories…and sure enough, he comes right back up again through the window” The man goes to the tourist, “you see?” The tourist genuinely flabbergasted and thinking what the fuck is going on here goes, “Wow that’s awesome, that was actually pretty cool, but obviously you have it rigged somehow. That’s impossible” The man goes, “Still don’t believe me, huh? Ok, do this. Tie my hands together, tie my legs together, and throw me out..and watch what happens” So the tourist ties him up, and throws him out again, and the same thing happens. The man falls 10 stories, and comes straight back up again. The man again goes, “You see?” The tourist is now convinced. He walks up to the window, looks down and thinks to himself, what the hell. The tourist jumps…he falls 10 stories…he falls another 10 stories….he falls ALL the way to the bottom and BOOM, he’s dead. The man now goes back to the bar, sits on the Tourist’s stool, and finishes the rest of the Tourist’s beers and the bartender looks up at the man and goes, “You know what Superman? You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk..” " +9715,0,"If Asians are yellow, europeans white, mexicans brown, and africans black...what color are jews? orange." +9716,2,"Chickens are Illuminati As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do people eat turkey the most? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away from Christmas in the USA. What's on the other side of the world from the USA? Japan. What do Japanese people eat on Christmas? KFC. What is the 3rd letter in KFC? Chicken. Notice how I said 3rd letter; 3rd as in the final side of the triangle. Notice how I have also mentioned chickens 3 times in this theory; 3 sides like 3 sides of a triangle. That makes 3 triangles. When you put 3 triangles together, what do you get? The Tri-force. What is one of the most famous things in the Legend of Zelda? The Tri-force. What do people get mixed up in the Legend of Zelda series? Link and Zelda's names. Link has a triangle hat. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. What animal is found in Hyrule? Chickens. What happens when you attack chickens too much in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and games after that? A bunch of chickens start flying at you and try to kill you. Wake up, America. Our government is run by lizards and chickens are the Illumunati." +9717,1,"I’ve been playing this one game for like two weeks... You know, Fortnite?" +9718,2,Why was the blonde's belly button sore? Because her boyfriend was blond too. +9719,0,Me: Knock Knock... My 2 year old: Come in... Me: Damn +9720,0,"A butcher a fishetman and a lolipop stand owner go to helll The devil chops the butchers dick with his cleaver then goes onto rip the fishermans dick off with his fishing rod suddenly the lolipop guy starts laughing the devil asks him ""why are you laughing "" the lolipop guy replies "" cuz youre gonna suck my dick """ +9721,0,If I was president.... I would gather all the people with ADHD and put them in concentration camps.. +9722,0,Italy failed to qualify for World Cup 2018 0_0 +9723,0,"An elephant fell into a swimming pool, how will it come out? wet" +9724,0,"Having Children is an investment. If all of your life, everything you've invested in has been crap, wear a condom." +9725,2,I childproofed the house. But they keep getting in anyway. +9726,2,I'm on a whisky diet; I've lost three days already. +9727,2,What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at three ho's. +9728,3,"Boss hangs a poster in office Boss hangs a poster in office ‘I am the boss, dont forget’ He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk, ‘ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!’" +9729,1,"A Newfie is sitting at the bar A Newfie is sitting at the bar having a drink. All of a sudden, a terrorist walks in with a bomb strapped to himself. He sits down next to the Newfie, leans over to him and says, “I came here TO DIE!” The Newfie raises his glass to the man and says, “Aye good on ya b’y, I came here yesterdie!”" +9730,1,"Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border." +9731,0,I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and kept in the freezer. +9732,1,"What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!" +9733,2,Where does a lumberjack find a date? Timber! +9734,0,Which actor is known for his brilliance at mathematics? Add'em Sandler +9735,1,"What's pale, sucks blood and comes out at night? A tampon." +9736,1,What do you call a group of variables that go to the gym ? A training set. +9737,3,"When someone asks me why I need my phone in the toilet with me I say ""for shits and giggles"" Merry Christmas!" +9738,3,"The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable. Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word. I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike. Great, that has three syllables. Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "" I know a four syllable word, pick me....."" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, ""O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"" Johnny proudly says, ""Mas...tur...ba...tion."" Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, ""Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"" No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables." +9739,1,"What did the kid with no hands get for christmas? gloves! just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet..." +9740,1,h0W do3$ tH!s pO5t M4K3 yOu FeEL? Secure +9741,0,"Roses are red, violets are blue... This poem doesn't rhyme. Refrigerator " +9742,3,"A geneticist is having sex... During foreplay, the geneticist's partner kept moaning ""Aug, aug, AUG!"" The geneticist later proclaims, ""I don't know where to start!""" +9743,2,"I like the way you think... The teacher asks her class ""if there are 5 pigeons on the wall and we shoot one, how many pigeons are left?"" Little Johnny jumps up and shouts ""NO PIGEONS LEFT BECAUSE THE GUNSHOT SOUND WOULD SCARE THEM AWAY"" The teacher replies ""good answer however, there would be 4 pigeons left on the wall because one would die but... I like the way you think!"" The teacher is about to move onto the next question when Little Johnny interrupts the teacher and asks if he can ask a question too, the teacher nods and Little Johnny asks... ""There are 3 woman by the ice cream van. One is sucking her ice cream, one is biting her ice cream and one is licking her ice cream. Which one is married?"" The teacher, going all red in embarrassment, reluctantly blurts out ""the one that is sucking the ice cream"" Johnny replies ""Actually no, it's the one with a ring on her finger... But I like the way you think""" +9744,0,what do you call a dog who sits on a bench and reads his newspaper? a human-dog xDDD +9745,0,I tried to catch the fog today... But I mist +9746,2,Why can't you have two places to park your boat? Because that's a paradox! +9747,0,A man from my dorm has a tattoo of Whistler's Mother on his chest His heart was beating so fast that Whistler's Mother was doing the popcorn! +9748,1,If school buses become autonomous... hackers are going to have a field day. +9749,1,My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused. +9750,2,Two chemists walk into a bar The first walks up to the bartender and says “I’ll have an H2O”. Bartender gives him his drink. The second chemist walks up and says “I’ll have an H2O too”. The second one dies. +9751,0,The only reason the Americans managed to complete a revolution... ...is cos they're really fat and round. +9752,0,I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a Jury marriage instead. Oh wait that's my wife! The judge? My father in-law! +9753,1,Whats the difference between the circus and a strip club? Circus is full of cunning stunts. +9754,0,"A man finds a genie in a bottle and has 3 wishes... The genie says you can have any thing you want but everyone in the world gets double what you ask for. The man says ""1 million dollars will do"" next the man says I'd like a Lamborghini so every one gets 2 million dollars and 2 Lamborghinis. ""Okay you have one more wish""says the genie .""well I've always wanted to donate a kidney."" " +9755,1,What is the most sensitive part of a man while he's masturbating? His ears +9756,3,Just want to thank you for explaining the word 'many' to me. It means a lot. +9757,6,"Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ""We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ""Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ""I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"" The guy says, ""I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!""" +9758,2,What does ADHD stand for? Attention Deficit HEY DOUGHNUTS!!! +9759,2,"I'm really going to butcher this joke... Well, it's already in two parts." +9760,0,"what do you call a continuous streak of amputations An Arms Race. Not many people take part in these though, they cost an arm and a leg to join. But hey, at least they get treated to some ampu*tea* afterwards... right?" +9761,1,My ex gf made me eat a boomerang We broke up but she always says that I'll come back +9762,0,You heard about Liam Neeson? No? I am not too surprised. His reputation was recently taken. +9763,3,"A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, ""it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!"" He tells her ""It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat.""" +9764,0,"An Avalanche Tale Clint Eastwood, David Caruso and Reese Witherspoon were mountain climbing and got caught in an avalanche. Thankfully they were able to quickly take cover in a cave, but the entryway collapsed and they found themselves trapped. Days went by with no one to rescue them. Finally, Clint Eastwood said, “I can’t take it anymore! I must eat something or I will die of hunger!” In a rage he grabbed Reese Witherspoon by the arm and pulled her hand towards his mouth. He bit down on her fingers and she let out a violent scream. Clint Eastwood grimaced and squinted his eyes, as only he could. He continued to bite her hand. Again and again and again he tore into her flesh with his teeth. Reese Witherspoon gasped for air as Clint Eastwood moved toward her forearm, her shoulder, and then her neck. Reese Witherspoon shook violently as the blood poured out onto the ground. After what seemed like hours of horror, Reese Witherspoon fell to the ground lifeless and cold. Clint Eastwood froze. He looked down at the carnage and fell to his knees. “What have I done!” he cried out in disbelief. He looked up at David Caruso, trembling with fear in his eyes. David Caruso looked pensively at Clint Eastwood for what seemed like an eternity. Finally David Caruso spoke. “I guess there is a wrong way to eat a Reese’s.” " +9765,0,What do you call a Muslim fruit stand that sells treats on a beach in Hawaii? 'Aloha Snack bar!' +9766,0,"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't." +9767,0,Where did baby Toby go for his engagement ring? He went to Jareth! +9768,0,That guy is running so fast he's gone to plaid! That's Lou de Chris. +9769,1,"A Japanese girl A Japanese girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain.. She can't speak Spanish.. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime.. One day she wanted to buy banana.. So She took her husband to the shop.. Because her husband can speak Spanish!!!" +9770,4,"A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control... An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: ""Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him back to my van. Got it?"". The owner, startled, says: ""OK sure, but what the hell is the gun for?"". The man replies: ""In case I fall off the tree first, you better empty the fucking clip on Fluffy!""" +9771,1,The 1950s called... We're all trying to figure out how they did it. +9772,0,"Getting rid of polish with chemicals is something girls do everyday, but if you get rid the polish with chemicals you might be hitler." +9773,0,What did the Filipino guy told the room service lady? Pack dis sheet im out. +9774,1,"How would Beethoven react to Mettalica, if he's alive now? Probably not much, since he's deaf" +9775,3,"The Lesbian couple next door... got me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I said ""I wanna watch.""" +9776,5,"I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water.. And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews." +9777,0,"While in bed, she exclaimed, ""OH MY GOD IT'S SO BIG!"" Then he saw the spider." +9778,1,I want to become a hitman but I heard the competition is killing. +9779,0,What kind of comic books does Terrence Howard read? Mayne-ga +9780,2,"They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping. Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson." +9781,1,I went to a seafood disco last week... ...and pulled a mussel. +9782,0,What do you call a group of people who work in a financial institution? A wunch of bankers. +9783,0,Jokes are funny until someone gets offended. Then it’s even funnier. +9784,1,Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay. That would suck wooden tit? +9785,0,I used to work in a Fishmongers and acted like I knew everything. I soon learned my plaice. +9786,0,Brexit Vote goes down as one of the Brit's most shocking moments... Jarvis Cocker stage invasion during Michael Jackson's 'Earth Song' falls to #2. +9787,0,"■■BILL GATES IN HELL■■ Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, ""Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go"". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, ""What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"" St. Peter replies, ""That was just the screen saver.""" +9788,4,"A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert... ""Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization."" One of them suggested. They all agreed it was a good idea. ""I'll take the hood,"" said the first, ""This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."" ""I'll take the wheels,"" said the second, ""In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."" ""I'll take the door."" Said the last, ""If I get hot I can simply roll down the window.""" +9789,1,"In a church down in south carolina... There were two old deacons on the church board who really hated each other. When one would vote yay, the other would vote nay. They never agreed on anything. One day, one of them died. As he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates, Peter said ""getting into heaven is easy. All you have to do is spell a simple word. Spell 'angel'"" The deacon spelled and St. Peter said he was good to go. ""Listen, I've really gotta use the bathroom, can you stand here til I get back? If someone shows up, ask them how to spell a word. If they can do it, they're in. If not, they get the boot into hell."" ""Sure,"" replied the deacon. Not long after Peter left, the second deacon died. He appeared at the pearly gates and was greeted by his old nemesis. The first deacon said ""all you have to do to get into heaven is spell a simple word."" ""Sounds great! What's the word?"" The first smiled evilly and said, ""spell Albuquerque""" +9790,2,How did the subway guy lose his job? The same way he got it: trying to get into a smaller pair of pants. +9791,0,A guy walks into a bar... It a shame he didn't see it. +9792,1,"Whenever I'm sitting on the toilet and it's taking a while, I always tell myself Hurry up, I got other shit to get done" +9793,0,"The wife says The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, ""You look so beautiful and sexy my darling."" The wife says, ""I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.""" +9794,5,The day I found my first gray hairs... I thought I'd dye! +9795,1,"An Irish, English and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the pint, rips the fly out and shouts ""Spit it out ya bastard! Spit it out!""" +9796,2,Dogs should be able to vote. The movement to accomplish this will be called ruffrage. +9797,1,A man had his left arm and leg removed. He's all right now. +9798,0,What is the funniest thing about a cryptocurrency analyst? the lines +9799,1,What does the alien take when he gets a headache Ibprobin +9800,2,What does a nut say when it sneezes? Cashew!!! +9801,1,I've hooked up with a Geiger Girl. We just clicked. +9802,3,How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her as an altar boy. +9803,3,Where does a king keep his armies?? In his sleevies +9804,2,The worst part of buying a feng shui book... is trying to figure out where to put it. +9805,2,Why do people nickname Cersei's kids after sandwich meats? Because they're both in bread +9806,4,Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live. +9807,1,"A state trooper buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they tell a lie... ...off of a man undergoing divorce. His wife cheated on him, apparently. That night the trooper was patrolling, a car flew past. His speed gun showed 30 mph above the limit. So he pulls over the car. He asks the driver, ""Son, do-"" he is interrupted by a slap of the robot. ""Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Do note that I have a lie detecting robot, any lie you tell will be caught."" ""Gee, officer, this car goes slower than my shit while shitting, so..."" The robot doesn't do anything, so the officer tells the man to drive safe, thinking that his gun malfunctioned, and they part ways. The driver starts driving, and his friend asks ""How did you do that? We both know you were above the limit"" The driver says ""I have diarrhea.""" +9808,1,My boss told me I should focus more on quanity over quality Apparently fucking his wife three times a week just isn't enough. +9809,0,Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm? He's all right now. +9810,3,"I got arrested... I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in." +9811,1,Why was the stuttering man in prison for life? He couldn't finish the sentence. +9812,2,Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number. Oh NOW they start guarding personal data. +9813,5,What did the Polygon say to the Circle when the Circle wanted to be more edgy? Triangles. +9814,0,"Boyfriend and the Dad A guy goes to his girlfriends place for the first time. Dad opens the door. The guy says: ""Hi, My name is Hugh Jackman. I'm here to fuck your daughter."" ""YOU WHAT?!"" ""Hugh. Jackman.""" +9815,0,Why is Gaston (from Beauty and the Beast) like Al Gore? They both lost and got a no Belle prize. +9816,1,Yesterday i got kicked out of the library Yesterday i got kicked out of the library They said that the fiction section wasn't fitting for a book about women's rights +9817,2,I make synonym rolls Just like grammar used to make +9818,6,My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person. Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend. +9819,3,I used to be in a band called The Prevention We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure. +9820,3,"I had a turntable fall on my head a couple years ago. But I'm perfectly fine, perfectly fine, perfectly fine." +9821,2,Want to hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit! +9822,1,"Scientists have recently discovered that a pinniped’s external ear flaps carry an electric charge If you put them on a seal, you get a seal ion." +9823,0,I carry a box of graham crackers wherever I go. So I'm always ready for an Insta graham. +9824,2,I saw a baguette in a cell at the zoo yesterday... It was bread in captivity. +9825,2,What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of cow? Moscow. +9826,1,I'm going bananas That's what I say to the bananas when I leave the house +9827,0,Why do you call losers “osers” ? Because they took the L +9828,0,"Doctor! Doctor! Please help my little brother... Sister: Doctor, my little brother he thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: Good Grief! How long has this been going on? Sister: Two years Doctor: Why on earth didn't you say something sooner?!? Sister: We needed the eggs. " +9829,3,There is a band called 1023MB They haven't had any gigs yet. +9830,1,Which US president was the first to embrace professional social networks? Abraham LinkedIn +9831,3,What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a ghost? Bamboo! +9832,4,What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite subreddit? IT'S FUCKING R/AWW +9833,0,"4 guys go hunting to Amazon and get captured by natives The leader comes forth and says ""We'll put you in cages with a monkey for a year. Who has the most chimps will be set free."" And off they go. After a year, they visit the first guy who has two apes hiding shyly behind him. They move on a little unimpressed. They visit the second guy to see he has three apes with a smirk on his face. They move on to the third one who flexes with his 5 apes looking proud and confident. Lastly they visit the fourth guy to see not only he has one ape but it's crippled and one of it's eyes is blind. A little baffled, they ask him why he has only one, if you can call it an ape that is. The guy goes tampered ""IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE MONKEY IS MALE""" +9834,1,TIL there are two Slavic nations located on the opposite sides of the globe. They are North and South Poles. +9835,4,What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA? Escorted from the petting zoo in handcuffs +9836,1,I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand Bangkok +9837,5,Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday. +9838,1,I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day He knows nutting. +9839,3,Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender +9840,5,"How do you get four old ladies to shout ""Fuck""? Get the fifth one to yell, ""Bingo!""" +9841,4,I watched a porn movie with a chicken and an egg I came first +9842,4,A dog named Minton ate my shuttlecock... Bad Minton! +9843,0,Why are dogs always SENSITIVE? ------------ Because they have tears in their eyes +9844,1,Two bicyclists collided in India... Ten thousand people died. +9845,1,What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that treats him like trash More people browsing through reddit +9846,1,Fresh out of the box can mean new or used... when talking about tampons. +9847,1,"A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?"" he asked the salesman. ""They range from $2 to $2,000."" ""Can I see the $2 model?"" said the customer. The salesman put a large device around the man's neck, and said: ""You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket."" ""How does it work?"" asked the customer. ""For $2, it doesn't work,"" said the salesman. ""But when people see it on you, they'll talk much slower and louder.""" +9848,0,"I had a dream about dying and going to heaven... ...but before I could enter paradise, Saint Peter wanted me to come have a look at my clock. ""Every time you lied during your lifetime, five minutes was added to your clock,"" Saint Peter said. ""I want you to be aware of all your lies, before I can let you in."" So I followed Saint Peter into a huge hall full of clocks and after about five minutes of walking and some left and right turns along the way he stopped, pointed at a small cuckoo's clock on the third shelve on the right and said: ""That's yours."" I hesitated a little, but finally looked at the clock while counting the lies I told in my head. With a blush on my cheeks I admitted I wasn't proud of it, but the clock told the truth. ""Okay,"" Saint Peter said, ""I guess I can let you in now."" While I followed him back to the gates I suddenly had an idea, stopped and asked him if I could see my wife's clock while we were there. He shrugged and said we would pass it on the way out anyway, so that would be no problem. So after a minute of walking he pointed at a large clock on our left on the second shelve from the top. ""That's you wife's,"" Saint Peter said. I looked at it, thought about and mumbled ""I knew it!"" Saint Peter laughed about it and started walking again when I stopped him and asked him: ""Before we leave... Can I please have a quick look a the clock that belongs to the person who downvoted my joke, because 'he didn't like it'?"" This made Saint Peter really burst into laughter. After he caught his breath again he said: ""Sure, it's right there."" While pointing at the ceiling he continued: ""We use it as our ceiling fan!""" +9849,1,What do you call wealthy birds? Bourgeese +9850,0,"From the Department of Unappreciated Jokes, Obscure Pun Section My first Yankee swap was at my Methodist church. Three of the first seven gifts opened were potpourri. When the third one was opened, I remarked ""What's all this popery? We're Protestants!"" Needless to say, no one got the joke. Maybe it works better in writing?! Tell us *your* joke that you think is hilarious, but didn't get the laugh it deserves." +9851,1,Why did the cook fry the shrimp? because it was throwing a tempura tantrum. +9852,3,What do you call a porn that stars only girls with Down Syndrome? XXX +9853,2,Pussy Me: Let me tell you a joke. Me: Pussy. You: ... Me: Do you get it? You: No.. Me: Exactly. +9854,9,"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click ""I agree""." +9855,3,What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires? You would get severe frostbite. +9856,0,What do you call a president who interrupts people? Donald Tr- WRONG! +9857,1,"How many country music singers does it take to change a light bulb? 2, one to change the bulb, the other to write a song about the old one!" +9858,0,"A plane carrying Mick Jagger crashes on a desert island... A short while later, Mick and the other survivors see a cargo ship off in the distance. Realizing that this may be their best chance for salvation, one of the castaways says ""Quick, everybody start collecting materials to make a signal fire! Grab anything that will produce smoke!."" Mick, who is used to being waited on hand and foot, proudly exclaims ""I don't think so, a Rolling Stone gathers no moss!""" +9859,1,"You guys ever hear the joke about pussy? Nah. Nevermind, you guys probably won't get it" +9860,3,I like my beer like i like my violence... Domestic. +9861,5,"When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her. But nobody fondled my balls and said: ""good job!""" +9862,0,I've been really lazy and goofing off all day... Turns out it was because when I got out of bed this morning I put on slacks. +9863,0,A misguided theory on eternity and the afterlife +9864,3,Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A:\ +9865,1,What did the Roman empire say to the city that wouldn't listen? I thought we razed you better than this! +9866,3,"Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality. For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt." +9867,1,"Little Johnny goes Trick or Treating as a pirate... ... When he gets to the house of a kind old woman, she says ""Oh don't you look fierce! But tell me, where are your buccaneers?"" Johnny replies ""Under my bucking hat, where else would they be?!?""" +9868,0,Hitler was a charitable guy. He backed Japan when they needed help in WW2. +9869,1,"One rainy afternoon One afternoon, as the rain slowly pours down on the roof, a young wife woke up from a relaxing nap, as she lays down and contemplates, she felts a sudden urge. The young wife moved towards her sleeping husband, leans against his body and gently whispered to his ear “It’s soaking wet, wake up and put it in”.   Husband jumps up ran out to the backyard and brings in the clothes to the humper. “Thanks, Honey!” the young wife said. And then they went back to sleep." +9870,2,I really do believe Allah is the one true god I mean the universe was created by an EXPLOSION wasn't it? +9871,1,"Today my wife couldn't decide what to wear. She put on countless outfits just to tear them off in frustration. She made me sit though the whole process while i was like: Dormammu, I've come to bargain! " +9872,3,"Two cows were grazing in the field, when one of them says to the other, ""How about that mad cow disease, huh?"" The second one says, ""Why should I care? I'm a helicopter""" +9873,9,Sexual position of the day The Brexit - you promise to pull out but you don’t +9874,3,Amazon joke What do you call two monkeys who share a Prime account? Primates. +9875,0,"A man walked into a bar... ""Shit, that hurt!"" *on mobile, didn't search to confirm it's originality " +9876,0,Eh You! This post is Gold. +9877,1,Why did my sister go down to the fish market? Oh just for the Halibut! +9878,1,What do you call when you eat ass on a plane? Skyrim +9879,5,"My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic… But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord." +9880,5,"I was sat on bus the other day... And I tapped a woman on the shoulder and said 'excuse me I think you have some semen on the back of your jacket' She said 'oh it's probably yoghurt' 'It's definitely semen,' I said, 'I don't ejaculate yoghurt'" +9881,0,"A small boy was rushed to the hospital after swallowing a few coins. A small boy was rushed to the hospital after swallowing a few coins. However, when the news came to his grandmother, a few hours had passed. She called the hospital to see if there was any update, to which the nurse responded, ""no change""." +9882,5,"A guy walks into a bar and orders six Jägermeister shots The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion? The guy answers ""Yes, my very first blowjob"". The bartender gets excited and says ""Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house"". The guy answers ""Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference""." +9883,1,"Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't" +9884,0,My diabetic kids love the stories i tell them from when i used to work at the sugar factory They just eat it up +9885,0,Dont I owe you a blow job Gimme another and Ill owe you two. +9886,0,I'm opening a store where women can exchange old unwanted items for a breast enlargement. Tat-for-Tit. +9887,0,How many time travellers does it take to change a light bulb? None. The bulb is already changed. +9888,4,"I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: ""5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"" ""Ducks can't talk"" says I. ""5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"" ""You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"" I walk to the first duck ""Hey duckie, how was your day?"" ""Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"" ""HOLY SHIT, They do talk!"" says I. On to the next duck ""Hey, how was your day?"" ""Oh, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"" ""alright, now you, duckie, how was your day?"" ""Oh it was TERRIBLE!!!"" ""How come?"" ""My name is Puddles!!!"" " +9889,3,When should you crush herbs? When you need to kill some Thyme! +9890,1,"You throw a red rock into the blue ocean, what does it become? Wet. The rock becomes wet." +9891,0,A communist a spy and a chinese walk into a bar He orders a drink. +9892,2,"Have you heard about the movie ""Constipation""? It hasn't come out yet." +9893,0,"So, Donald Trump walks into a pizza parlour.... And asks for a pizza. The clerk asks ""do you want it cutting into four slices or eight?"" Trump says ""four please. I don't think I could eat eight.""" +9894,1,Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters. Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles. +9895,0,"What starts with f and ends with iretruck? fuck, i lied about the iretr." +9896,0,"News: Trump learning to play the fiddle Trump learning to play the fiddle, so he can be like strongman hero, Nero and play while the world burns... (This killed them over in /history) " +9897,0,Why do Muslims fast? Cause if they didn’t they’d be musfats all the time. +9898,1,I hate when my leg falls asleep during the day Now it's going to be up all night! +9899,3,"First day at school It's the first day of a new school year, and the class have been told there's a new kid who will be joining them. A kid walks in late, and the teacher asks him ""Why are you late?"" ""I was throwing Rocks in the river, Sir"", he replies. The teacher grumbles, and registers him. The new kid hasn't arrived either, and the teacher is wondering where he is. Another kid walks in, late. The teacher asks him where he went. ""I was throwing Rocks in the river, Sir"", he replied again. The teacher grumbled again. ""Just hurry up and sit down"", he said, registering him. After 10 minutes, the new kid walks in. He's filthy, and he's trying to hold back tears. ""Throwing rocks in the river, I suppose?"", asks the teacher. ""Sir... I'm Rocks""" +9900,3,What's orange and destroying the nation? Basketball. Pick up a hockey stick you pheasants. Fucking embarrassing! +9901,2,A schrodriger cat walks in a bar... and it doesn't. +9902,0,Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can't even. +9903,0,"You know you're friend zoned when a girl changes in front of you, Or she doesn't see you behind the tree. " +9904,1,What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus +9905,2,Did you hear about the guy who told everyone goodbye and then didn't leave? It was much adieu about nothing. +9906,2,"Dark Russian humor A wife went to the beach and didn't return. A husband called the police. The police came in a week. - We have 3 news for you: good, bad and great. - Let's start with the bad one. - Your wife drowned - we pulled her out of the water. - And what is the good news? - We have picked up a bucket of large crabs from her body. - And what is the great news? - We'll pull it out again tomorrow. Let's go for a beer! " +9907,2,What do antivaxx kids and Trump have in common? 4 years or less. +9908,4,"A man wakes up in a hospital bed. The nurse says “I have terrible news, you won’t be able to feel anything from the waist down” The man says “OK, can I feel your tits?”" +9909,7,"Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ? Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy." +9910,4,Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5? Because 5 8 13! (Made this up for my daughter last week) +9911,2,Why did the deer get mad at his girlfriend when she got back from the casino? She told him that she blew 30 bucks while she was there. +9912,0,I just found out my mom and dad had sex many times.. Why did this happen to me?! Incest is so fucking disgusting :( +9913,0,My boss is a gay man's dream... He is anal and a dick. +9914,2,What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks? “I wonder whose fault this is.” +9915,3,What type of dog is best at magic? A labracadabrador +9916,0,Do you know how politicians are conceived? Through anal sex +9917,1,"some Guy got his left half of his body torn off don't worry, hes alRIGHT now" +9918,0,"What do you call DJ Khaled crossdressing as Hulk Hogan? ""A ""brother"" one.""" +9919,2,"Jesus crosses the desert... at a certain point he meets an old man. Jesus says ""old man, what are you doing in the middle of the desert, all on your own?"" The old man answers ""well, I have lost my son and I'm looking for him"". To this Jesus replies ""I would like to help you, does your son have any special signs?"" The eyes of the old man light up and he shouts ""yes!"", indicating at his hands he says ""he has holes in his hands and feet!"" Jesus looks at the old man, falls on his knees and with tears in his eyes cries out ""father!!!"" The old man steps closer, embraces him and softly says ""Pinocchio!""" +9920,3,Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's a little meteor. +9921,4,What gets harder the more you play with it? A rubiks cube +9922,1,What was the favorite chicken dish of Hitler? The SwasTikka +9923,3,"A man decides it's time for a night of romance... ... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it. All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams ""oh my God"" before running out. The husband says ""well, I guess I better go have the talk with him"", so he gets his robe on and goes looking for Timmy. He can't find him anywhere, not his room, living room, kitchen, anywhere. So he goes into Grandma's room to see if she'd seen him and when he opens the door he sees Little Timmy has grandma bent over the bed, polka dot moomoo over her head and he's just giving her the business! The dad screams ""Timmy what the fuck?!?"" Timmy turns around and says ""it's not so funny when it's your mom is it?""." +9924,4,"A beautiful blonde walks into a bar sits on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman and splashes all over her boobs. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and then licks the beer off her breasts. Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender serves a beer and it hits her boobs, the man jumps up, starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?' ""Helloooo!"", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'" +9925,3,What Do They Call a Pride Parade in Saudi Arabia? A Massacre +9926,2,***Massive Spoilers*** I am groot. +9927,0,What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt +9928,0,"A boy was born without eyelids, but doctors have found a way to use his foreskin to craft the eyelids. He turned out cockeyed." +9929,3,What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant girlfriend? You can unscrew a lightbulb. +9930,0,"A snowstorm knocked out the power of a black man's house, so he went out to investigate. He's the only blackout in a whiteout." +9931,1,What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh +9932,1,"When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer. After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other. " +9933,3,"Stapleton Airport Incident (This one is pretty old folks) As reported by the San Jose Mercury News: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, ""I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."" The agent replied, ""I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."" The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, ""Do you have any idea who I am?"" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. ""May I have your attention please?"" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. ""We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."" With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, ""F**k you."" Without flinching, she smiled and said, ""I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."" The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. " +9934,1,"A man goes to an oracle to learn about his future Oracle says ""I see horrible things for you in the future, you will cause the death of countless people"" Crushed by the sight of the oracle, the man decides to kill himself than to cause the death of so many people. He goes to a train track and lays down, hoping to change his future. Just as he he hears the sound of the train coming, he notices a little kid playing on the tracks, unaware of the train. The man rushes and snags the kid just as the train passes by, saving the kid from a horrendous death. ""What are you doing here kid, don't you know it's dangerous to play around here?"", says the man. The kid doesn't answer. ""What's your name?"" the man asks. ""Adolf sir, Adolf Hitler."" " +9935,2,Where do bad dad joke tellers get sent? To the punitentiary. +9936,0,(dad jokes )i am so tierd i am so exhausted were we hit by the same car? +9937,0,"A woman with a small vagina was sick She was so dizzy but she had to get to bed and rest. When she was walking , she accidentally broke her biggest plastic dick. ""No big deal , though.""" +9938,2,What does a Russian say before having sex? I'm Putin it in. +9939,1,A little bit of this a little bit of that I once knew a little boy who was 3/4 French and 1/4 Polish. You could say he was only a tad Pole. (I think I came up with this myself) +9940,5,Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi? He's still alive. (Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren) +9941,2,Why did the circle hate geometry? Because it's pointless +9942,1,"I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks He was an E.N.Tree surgeon" +9943,1,Dad jokes are my favorite category of jokes... But poop jokes are definitely number 2. +9944,0,"Jogging dialogue Brain: Let's talk! I: Yes. Brain: Is somebody chasing us? I: No. Brain: Are we chasing someone? I: No. Brain: So what's the hell is going on? Lungs and Heart: Yes, we also have the same question!" +9945,0,"For Jupiter, God of Lightning, what's the best part of waking up? Fulgur's in his cup," +9946,1,"Haha funny How does a japanese drug addict greet people? ""Heroine""" +9947,0,"My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her And according to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend" +9948,2,What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. +9949,2,Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright? -it's just too much pressure +9950,4,I bought a thesaurus from the bookstore the other day! And what do I find when I got home and opened it? Blank pages... I have no words to describe how angry I am. +9951,0,Dwayne Johnson was named sexiest man alive... A lot of girls want to be stuck between the Rock and a hard place. +9952,1,"What did the crippled protein say to the other protein? I just got out of the ER man, it was pretty rough." +9953,0,What drugs do cows take? Cow-caine +9954,1,"A man wins the lottery A man has won the lottery and is driving home fast. He swerves into he driveway, leaving the car door open. Run and bursts through the front door. He yells, "" Honey, pack you things, I just won the lottery."" She becomes flustered and excited, unsure what to do. She says, ""Is it going to be some place hot or some place cold?"" He replies, ""I don't care, just get the fuck out." +9955,0,Why can't you trust diagonally cut foods? They're biased. I'm so sorry. +9956,2,"A blind man walks into a bar with his sight dog.. He then takes the dog and starts spinning it around by the tail. The bartender asks ""WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"" The blind man replies ""Just looking around.""" +9957,3,"Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll. I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year." +9958,0,Why did president Roosevelt hate Hitler Because he drank all the *Jew*ce +9959,5,"Husband and wife having an argument Husband and wife are having an argument and the wife says ""It would have been better if I married to the devil instead of you!"". The husband looks at his wife and goes ""That's inbreeding.""" +9960,0,"Brass Rat This guy walks into an antique store and notices a brass rat sitting on one of the top shelves. He asks the clerk, “How much for that brass rat?”. The clerk says “Well sir, it’s 25 bucks just for the rat, and 50 bucks if you want to hear the story that goes with it. Take my word, you’ll want to *hear* the story.” The guy says “No, I believe I’ll just take the rat for 25 bucks.” So, this fella takes his brass rat and heads down the street. Right away he notices that a *real* rat is following him, so he makes a quick turn down the next street. He passes an alley, at which point about a half-dozen rats come out and start following him. This guy is getting pretty panicked at this point, so he starts heading out toward the outskirts of town. When he passes the town dump, *hundreds* of rats stream out and follow him. Our hero is beside himself at this point, so as he passes the river that winds around town, he tosses the brass rat right in the drink. Every last one of the real rats follows the brass rat into the river and drowns. Relieved, our protagonist heads back to the antique store where he got the brass rat. “I knew it!”, says the clerk, “You’re back to hear the story about the rat, aren’t you?”. “No sir”, says the guy, “I just wanted to find out how much you’re asking for that brass accordion I see you’ve got up there.”" +9961,0,Why didn't the Autist buy a Commodore 64? Because he was already on the spectrum +9962,1,What's a Saudis favourite drink? Milk sheikh +9963,2,Doctor: We had to remove your colon. Me Why? +9964,0,"Sex. Yes, it's a short joke." +9965,0,What is asphalt made from...... Hemorrhoids +9966,2,"I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest... ...all I said was ""There's a chink in the armour.""" +9967,0,Today’s music all sounds the same I’m deaf +9968,1,"A disabled United Airlines passenger wanted help masturbating from the crew... Unfortunately, they beat the wrong person." +9969,1,What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders? Home Despot. +9970,0,How did Lex Luthor hide his money laundering from superman? He used a krypton-currency. +9971,3,What did Michael Jackson say to the boy in bed? Just beat it +9972,1,"How do you solve a math equation? Isolate the ""x"" so it gets depressive and takes suicide." +9973,1,How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb One American to hire a Mexican to change the bulb and other 323.99 million to complain about outsiders stealing their jobs +9974,3,"A blonde goes to the doctor... A blonde goes to the doctor. The doctor looks at her and asks what seems to be the problem? ""Everything hurts! No matter where I touch."" ""My arms, my thighs, my chest, my head! All of it!"" He looks her over completely and finally looks at her in amazement. ""Lady, your *finger* is broken.""" +9975,0,What's Donald Trump's [least] favorite song? Shithole by Toto. +9976,0,Why Indian restaurants are so good at JavaScript? ​Because they do curry so well +9977,2,What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table? “Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!” +9978,2,I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me. They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation! +9979,2,A man calls the police station to report a house robbery Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry! Operator: how do you know he is Asian? Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway! +9980,0,At an arabic family gathering grandma asks for the salt Grandma says ”Muhammad can you pass the salt”. +9981,1,"Every year, thousands of kids are shipped off to mime school Never to be heard from again!!" +9982,5,I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby-trap. +9983,1,"Car Accident A man and a woman are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, ""Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends."" The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, ""I agree with you completely."" The man says, ""And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."" Then he hands the bottle to the woman. The woman smiles and shakes her head in agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, ""Aren't you having any?"" The man replies, ""No. I think I'll just wait for the police."" " +9984,0,What's Satan's breast size? 666D-ablo +9985,2,Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo +9986,1,How did the Tomato lose the boxing match He was beaten to a pulp +9987,0,Hitler's favorite football club was **Ju**ventus. +9988,0,You know we have a saying where i'm from. They do... +9989,2,What's Jesus's favorite power tool? A nail gun +9990,1,"Superman One day Superman was flying around as he always did. When he was surprised to see Wonder Woman lying on her back fully naked. Superman thinks to himself, “I’m Superman, I’m faster than a speeding bullet. Now is my chance to do something I have always wanted to do.” So Superman swoops down to Wonder Woman and does his thing and is out of there in a blink of the eye. Wonder Woman says, “Woah! What was that!” The Invisible Man says, “I don’t know. But my ass sure hurts!”" +9991,0,Roses are Red Violets are Red Grass are Red I think my lawn is on Fire +9992,2,1. Go to seminary. 2. Get degree. 3. ??? 4. Prophet. +9993,2,The Marvel Universe is rumored to have a gay character. I'm no expert but from the trailer alone I'm pretty sure it's Rocketman +9994,2,What do you call a cow with only its front two legs? Well that would be an utter drag... +9995,0,What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium? HeHe I would make another Chemistry joke but all good argon.. +9996,3,Where do Russians get their milk? Mos-Cow +9997,1,Respect for the fallen I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside. It was in memory of all those who had died at the front. +9998,0,"My friend asked me : ""We cannot make calls through Google Home. It doesn't have a microphone"" Stared at him for 5 long minutes. Then the realization came!" +9999,0,"A fat patient goes to a doctor.. Patient: The problem is Obesity runs in our family Doctor: No, the problem is No One runs in your family.." +10000,0,Bugatti More like Poogatti +10001,0,"Insured Mail ""Do you want to insure this?"" asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package. ""Nope,"" I answered. ""The contents aren't breakable."" The guy behind me in line tapped me on the shoulder and remarked, ""Maybe you ought to think about that. They are professionals. They can break anything."" " +10002,2,Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question. Have you had a little Captain in you? +10003,1,What happens when an austrailian moves to the soviet union? A Czechmate +10004,0,"When I was a child my father gave me some advice. ""Son, there are 3 rings in marriage. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then comes the suffering.""" +10005,0,German men like their women like they like their beer Full. +10006,4,What do you call XXXTentacions coffin? An Xbox +10007,3,Why is it arrogant for a guy to have 2 penises? It makes him two-cocky. +10008,1,What do you call when Batman leaves the church early? Christian Bale +10009,2,"Three blondes are on the side of a river... ...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying ""God please make me smart enough to get across this river."" so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying ""Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river."" So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays ""Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined."" So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge." +10010,3,What do you call sex between two insecure deaf people? An awkward silence +10011,2,A crocodile tried to have sex but couldn't... He had a reptile dysfunction +10012,2,My leaf blower doesn’t work It just sucks! +10013,0,What does an Arabian witch say to greet someone? Salem Aleykoum +10014,2,What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine? Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea) +10015,2,"So I read on a website to ""treat your furry friend once a week."" So I bought him two tickets to Zootopia." +10016,0,Mike Row lost his erection Now he's Microsoft +10017,2,"God is very angry with the world God is very angry with the world and summons to the Head of ISIS, Putin and Donald Trump. He tells them if you do not stop messing up on earth, I will have you clean shit for the rest of your days !!!! Shocked the 3 leaders return to earth and go to their people. The head of ISIS starts. People, I have two bad news for you .The first one, God exists, the second one, if we do not stop messing up on earth, we'll have to clean shit for the rest of our lives. It's Putin's turn. Russian people, I have two news, one good and one bad. The good one, God exists, the bad one, if we do not stop messing up on earth, we'll have to clean shit for the rest of our lives. It's up to Trump. My fellow Americans, I have two good news for you. My father greets you and I have a job for everyone. " +10018,5,"Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out." +10019,0,"Have you guys heard of the new store ""moderation""? *I heard they have everything there!*" +10020,0,I worked at a company that made localised habitats for small birds. I got tired of it and asked my boss for a change But he just transferred me to another branch +10021,1,Why couldn't the blonde dial 911? She couldn't find the eleven. +10022,2,There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed. It’s pretty high steaks. +10023,2,"blonde joke of the day Blonde: ""What does IDK stand for?"" Brunette: ""I don’t know."" Blonde: ""OMG, nobody does - " +10024,0,What was zombie Fozzies catchphrase? Flakka flakka! +10025,0,Donald Trump has received 50% of the African American Republican vote so far.... and the other one has voted for Ben Carson. +10026,4,What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2 kilo mockingbirds +10027,0,So I got my son a stuffed teddy bear... It hasn't been two days and he already set the toy on fire. He's quite the star. +10028,0,At what time do you see your dentist? Tooth hurty! +10029,3,"Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, ""She is such a sweet and gentle woman; she would never go for this carrying on."" So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since he lived in the country, he called his wife an told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had miles to walk, he figured that he would walk off any ill effects by the time he reached home. So, he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans. All the way home he had gas. And upon arriving home, he felt reasonably sure he could control it. His wife seemed excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, ""Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."" She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. She seated herself and just as she was about to remove the blindfold from her husband, the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone. The baked beans he had consumed were still affecting him. So, while his wife was out of the room he seized the opportunity to ease the problem. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. He took his napkin and fanned the air around him vigorously. Keeping his ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it on his lap, and folded his hands upon it, smiling contentedly to himself. He was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for having taken so long, she asked him if he peeked, and he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and he was surprised. There were 12 dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a week-early Happy Birthday!" +10030,0,I like my pussy like I like my Germany. No juice. +10031,2,There are 10 types of people in this world Those who get binary jokes and those who don't. +10032,2,"There is this guy who has this major crush on this girl that works at the bar he hangs out at. He would love to talk to her but every time he sees her he gets the biggest boner. One day he noticed her behind the bar and quickly sat on a bar stool. He felt this was the perfect chance to talk to her knowing that if he got a boner it would be hidden under the bar top. They get to talking and he finally asks her out. She said yes and the man was ecstatic, he said he would pick her up at 8 Saturday night. Saturday when he pulled up to the front of the house he remembered his problem and new when she came to the door he would be so embarrassed. Thinking quickly he reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a piece of twine, pulled down his pants and tied his penis to his leg. He then went up the steps and rang the door bell. She came out and they walked to the car he opened the door for her and just as she was about to step in she dropped her purse. She had a very short black dress on and when she bent over to pick up her purse he ended up kicking her in the forehead. " +10033,2,"An old lady at the ATM The old lady in front of me at the ATM was taking a while. When done, she turned around and asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!" +10034,2,I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion I got booed off the stage +10035,0,Want to hear a racist joke? Donald Trump. +10036,4,"I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a child Man, She really wanted a daughter " +10037,2,A woman said she recognised me from vegetarian club... ...but I'd never met herbivore! +10038,0,"A women and her kid visit the coast of Indian Ocean. A woman and her kid visit the coast of Indian Ocean. Mom:- See, this is the Indian Ocean. Kid:- How do you know it's the Indian Ocean? Ocean:- Hey saxy, wanna sax, show Bob and vegana. Mom:- That's how." +10039,3,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. ""Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."" ""I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes."" replies Watson. ""And what do you deduce from that?"" asks Holmes. Watson ponders for a minute. ""Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"" Holmes is silent for a moment. ""Watson, you idiot!"" he says. ""Someone has stolen our tent!""" +10040,5,I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye They were dentical twins +10041,2,"Four rabbis are discussing a passage in the Tanakh... ...and are furiously debating it's meaning. The first rabbi, who we'll call Jacob, insists it means _this,_ but the other three refuse to believe it and insist it means _that._ Jacob, feeling disheartened, goes to the top of the tallest mountain and calls on God. ""O', Lord, if I am correct, send me a sign!"" Soon, a great storm cloud erupts above the mountain, blasts a bit of thunder, and then it goes away. The other three rabbis shrug. ""Eh, probably nothing."" The next day, Jacob, feeling even more disheartened, calls on God again. ""O', Lord, if I am correct, send me an even bigger sign!"" Soon, an even greater storm cloud appears, dwarfing the previous one, covering the entire land in shadow. It fires off some thunder before disappearing back into the ether. The other three rabbis are still not impressed. ""God's not on your side, Jacob."" On the third day, Jacob, who at this point has throughly lost his patience, returns to the mountain for a third time and yells out to God. ""O', Lord, if I am correct-"" He's interrupted by a massive cloud, ten times as large as the last one. Instead of thunder, this time a great booming voice calls out. **""HE'S RIGHT!""** Then the cloud disappears. Jacob turns to the other rabbis and says ""See! Even God thinks I'm right!"" The rabbis shrug. ""So now it's three against two. So what?""" +10042,0,Narcotics Anonymous It's not all it's cracked up to be. +10043,0,"I just heard my bank teller, pull a oneliner. Customer: I'd like to withdrawal 500 from savings. Teller: Great, would you like that in pennies? " +10044,1,Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts? He found his lack of Faith disturbing. +10045,0,What do you get when you bully a pokemon? Next-Gen animal abuse. +10046,0,It was very difficult to get my degree in civil engineering. But I built a bridge and got over it. +10047,1,Sometime I get so sick of my large intestine. It always gives me shit. +10048,0,"Two pirate ships get in a battle on the high seas. As the battle rages on, the two captains find themselves in the cargo hold of one of the ships. One captain looks around and sees a group of barrels lashed together with 'Brazil Nuts' painted on them. He then notices that there is a helm sticking out of one of the barrels. ""What be that fer?"" demanded the Captain. ""Arrrr,"" said the other captain, ""it's drivin' me nuts!""" +10049,3,Did you know Canada doesn't have a president? It's Trudeau. +10050,1,Guess who failed the gym class?? Dumbbells +10051,10,My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in. +10052,1,What do you call someone shooting up the hood? Ghetto blaster +10053,1,Why did the poor man sell yeast? To make some dough +10054,1,What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly this dick in your ass +10055,2,Why did Barbie never have kids? Because Ken came in a different box. +10056,1,"I dress so... sharp, I often cut myself. " +10057,2,"A man walks into a bar And says ""Ouch""." +10058,2,What happens when your computer shocks you? It mega-hurts. +10059,1,"Tea Party A dad was staying home with his 3 year old daughter while his wife was away to see family. The daughter, having recently gotten a tea set for her birthday, found it enjoyable to 'make tea' for her father. The tea being water. Each day the little girl would bring her father his 'tea' while he watched the evening news. Upon her return the proud father, amused, demonstrated his parenting with his daughter by having her bring his daily cup of 'tea' to him while his wife watched with delight. Happy, the man turned to his wife and smiled to which the wife smiled back and informed the man that with the little girl only being three years old there was only one place she could reach to get water for his 'tea'... that being the toilet." +10060,3,I hate when people ask how I'll see myself in 3 years Why do they think I'll stop using a mirror? +10061,1,"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?! ""Mister President, we've been over this...""" +10062,5,"A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar... Just kidding. None of those things walk." +10063,2,"In Israel, we just want peace. A piece of Jordan, a piece of Egypt, a piece of Lebanon..." +10064,2,"Samurai Competition Once upon a time, the Emperor of the Rising Sun decided he needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a proclamation throughout the world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to show him his skills. The Japanese samurai opens a matchbox and produces a bumblebee *Whoosh* goes his sword. The bumblebee is chopped in half. ""Impressive"" says the Emperor. ""Chinese samurai, your turn"" The Chinese samurai steps forward, opens his matchbox and out pops a fly. *Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!* goes his sword. The fly drops dead chopped in four pieces. ""That is very impressive"" says the Emperor. ""But let's give the Jewish samurai to show his skill."" The Jewish samurai steps forward, opens his matchbox, and out flies the mosquito. *Whoosh!* goes his sword. The mosquito is still flying. Disappointed, the Emperor says, ""I'm sorry, but you didn't make the cut. You failed to kill the mosquito"" The Jewish samurai smiles and replies, ""Anybody can kill a mosquito. Circumcision... now that takes skill.""" +10065,0,Farts aren't usually scary. Unless you hear them in a morgue. +10066,1,"Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil; Devil asks: What happened to your legs? Man answers: It's work of Allah. D: What happened to your arm? M: It's work of Allah. D: What happened to your ear? M: It's work of Allah. D: What happened to your eye? M: It's work of Allah. D: Then, Why the f\\*ck are you stoning me?!!!" +10067,2,"So there's this monarch who has an unexplainable fetish for unlocking doors But what else can I say, he's King Key." +10068,8,If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now I would have a small loan of a million dollars +10069,1,"It's been 6 years since Whitney Houston passed away In memorial, McDonald is releasing the Whitney Houston Happy Meal. It's just coke and ice. Grats on 6 years sober, Whitney Houston!" +10070,0,An American soldier talks with a Russian soldier A-We get the equivalent of 3000 calories per day. R-Impossible! No man can eat 60 pounds of potatoes in one day! +10071,0,"A homeless man runs into a bar... A homeless man runs into a bar and says “Bartender! Please can I have a toothpick?!” Surprised by the homeless man’s enthusiasm, he grabs a tooth pick and hands it to the homeless man, who snatched it and runs, full speed out of the bar. A minute or so later another homeless man runs into the bar shouting “Bartender! Please can I have a toothpick?!” So again, the bartender hands it over and the homeless man sprints out of the bar. Another minute later, a third homeless man speeds into the bar and begs the bartender “Bartender! Please give me a toothpick!” Again, he hands one over without a word and the homeless man runs out. After five minutes, a fourth homeless man runs into the bar shouting “Bartender! Please can I have a straw?” Confused, the bartender grabs a straw from behind the bar, and handing it over he asks “I’ll give you the straw, but you have to tell me why you want a straw when all the others wanted tooth picks?” To which the homeless man responds “There’s a guy getting sick down the road, but all the good bits are gone.”" +10072,2,A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu. +10073,2,"I met a refugee on the train today. ""What country are you from?"", I asked. ""Iraq"", he replied. ""How did you escape?"" i ran." +10074,2,"A bus, seated with 30 married women, crashed. None survived. The husbands of the victims all cried for a week. But one man cried for two weeks instead — so a friend asked, “did you have two wives in that bus?” “No, I’m sad because my wife missed that bus ride.”" +10075,4,"Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so. Feather went to his mother and asked,""Mother, why is my name Feather?"" And the mother replied,""because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead."" Satisfied, Feather went away. After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,""Mother, why is my name Droplet?"" And the mother replied,""because when you were born, a water droplet fell on your forehead."" Satisfied, Droplet went away. After both Feather and Droplet went, Brick shuffled over to his mother and said,""hur dur rung a bung?""" +10076,2,"German Coast Guard A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English. Captain: “This is a Canadian merchant vessel requesting assistance!” Coast Guard:”Yes, dis is za German coast guard. Vat is you emergency?” Captain:”We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking” Coast Guard:”Good ya, Vat are you sinking about?” " +10077,1,"Didn't come up with this one but I love it So I was living with my abusive aunt and uncle on their ranch. They would get mad easily and beat me for almost nothing and they often try to catch me doing things I'm not supposed to. One day my uncle came home with a new donkey named Dirty. He was really expensive and my aunt hated him but she couldn't do anything about it. Later I was outside bored playing in an old tire. Dirty was or there next to me and my uncle and aunt told me not to ride him, I didn't want to get best so I listed but they still tried to catch me every 5 minutes. I was at the top of a hill and the tire was very unstable, I lost control right about the time they looked outside trying to catch me. The tire started rolling down the hill with me in it very fast. They see me rollin. They hatin. Patrolin they tryna catch me riding dirty." +10078,0,Who makes cookies in the shower? A Jewish baker. +10079,2,Whats the names of the Irish gay couple? Gerald Fitz Patrick and Patrick Fitzgerald +10080,3,"[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: ""F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"" ""Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it."" - His wife." +10081,1,"Inocent question! ‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?' ‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'" +10082,0,"i was driving my car yesterday and i didnt notice that i was going faster than i could so i was pulled over by a cop. He wrote a ticket and when he handed it over to me, the ticket flew super fast to the right. i recieved a speeding ticket" +10083,1,What is the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he's a doctor. +10084,0,Female Ghostbusters? What about male Charlie's Angels? +10085,0,"A man goes to the doctor... ...and says, ""Doctor, I have a problem."" ""What is it?"" asks the doctor. ""Well, every morning at 7:30 I have a bowel movement."" ""That's actually quite healthy!"" ""No, doctor, you don't understand, I don't wake up until 8!""" +10086,2,What does a whore have in common with a Boeing 747? They both have huge cockpits. +10087,5,"What's the same about an election and an erection? They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power." +10088,1,A farmer was being haunted by the ghost of a chicken. It was a poultry-geist. +10089,0,"If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in." +10090,1,What do you call it when a sleezy woman is livestreaming A broadcast. +10091,1,"So I got these shoes from a drug dealer, I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day" +10092,3,"[Long] Pete was a truck driver who hated lawyers Pete was a truck driver who hated lawyers. Every time he saw a lawyer walk by the road he would swing over and run them over with his truck. One day while he was out driving, he saw a priest walk by the side of the road. Thinking it could not hurt to help a servant of god he stopped and asked the priest if he needed a lift. The priest was grateful and said that he was on his way to the local church wich was 10 minutes away. ""No problem Father"" said Pete and off they went. After 5 minutes Pete saw another lawyer walking next to the road. He instinctively turned the truck towards the lawyer and hit the gas. But then he remembered that he had a priest in the passenger seat next to him, so he did his best to avoid the lawyer and turned away the truck just in time. Even though Pete was sure that he did not hit the lawyer, he heard a loud ""BOOM"" sound. He could not understand where the sound came from and decided to tell the priest what he had almost done, ""I am sorry Father, I almost hit the lawyer back there"" said Pete. ""Dont worry son, I got him with the door"" said the Priest. " +10093,4,"Three guys trapped on an island [NSFW][LONG] Three guys get trapped on an island with cannibals. They get caught and offered a choice, they can either get boiled and eaten, or perform a task and be set free. Of course they all choose to perform a task. So the cannibals send them out into the jungle to pick ten fruits of their choice. They all run off. The first guy returns with 10 bananas. The cannibals tell him that he must now attempt to push them all up his ass without crying. He gets to 4 and breaks down in tears from the pain. The cannibals cook him up and eat him. The second guy returns shortly thereafter with 10 strawberries. The cannibals tell him that he must attempt to push them all up his ass without laughing. Confused but wanting to be set free, he starts. He gets to 9 strawberries but suddenly bursts out laughing. The cannibals cook him up and eat him too. The first two guys are sitting in heaven. Banana guy looks at strawberry guy and says 'You were so close, why on earth did you start laughing' Strawberry guy stifles a laugh and says 'Well, I saw the third guy coming over the hill with 10 pineapples'" +10094,0,What's the difference between a Redditor and an egg? Eggs get laid only once +10095,0,Which period of music came between paychecks? The Baroque Period. +10096,0,Why is six afraid of seven? 'Cause seven is a prime number and prime numbers are scary. +10097,0,I swear I'm not Joe King. I'll see myself out. +10098,0,what do a crazy ex-girlfriend and an ugly squirrel have in common? there're both fucking nuts! +10099,0,"I was showing my family a slideshow of the pretty field pictures from my farm After sliding through many stunning picture of my many acres, I had to switch to a new roll of slides to which my kin instantly started complaining that these pictures of the northern side of my farm were less appealing than those of the southern side of my farm. ""Sorry guys,it's really not that, just that the grass is greener on the other slide."" " +10100,1,"The Limbo In order to set the bar high, you have to set the bar low.." +10101,0,How do you get a drummer off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza. +10102,0,What would happen if Muslims didn't practice Ramadan? They become Mu-fat +10103,2,"Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced ""The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."" ""Good grief, Holmes,"" said Watson. ""How on earth did you deduce that?"" ""It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson.""" +10104,1,There are TWO types of people in this world ... 1- The ones who overestimate things 2- The ones who more or less get it right 3- The ones who underestimate things +10105,1,Why can’t horses run for Congress? They would only vote “Nay”! +10106,3,"A cop pulls over a woman... ...who is wearing very slutty attire. Cop: You were speeding in a school zone. I’ll have to give you a ticket. Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out breasts* Cop: For you information, ma’am, I am homosexual, and regardless of my sexual orientation, I am extremely offended at your crude, sleazy attempt to avoid the law. The woman’s eyes widen, but then she smirks. Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out massive cock*" +10107,0,"3 people are wandering the desert 3 people are wandering the desert, and they all took one thing with them to survive The first person said ""I brought water, so if we get thirsty we can have a drink"" The second person said ""I brought food, so if we get hungry, we can have something to eat"" The third person said ""I brought a car door, so if it gets hot we can wind the window down""" +10108,0,"Door To Door Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.” " +10109,1,Donald Duck What’s Donald Duck’s drug of choice? Quack Cocaine +10110,0,"Whats the difference between a all girls track tram, and pigmey people? one is a cunning bunch of runts" +10111,1,Which hard drive is always the happiest? Disk C: +10112,1,Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks? In case he got a hole in one. +10113,0,What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard +10114,1,"I've lost my mind. Sometimes, I squeeze my fingers together really tight. Eventually, they slip and slap my hand. I guess you could say I've snapped. " +10115,1,It's okay to hurt a pole-vaulter's feelings They seem to get over it easily. +10116,0,I dont need a fucking Faceapp to see how old i look. I've got a mirror. +10117,1,"Every Friday night for years, two couples have met to play bridge The husbands always team up against the wives. One Friday night, during a break in game play, the women head to the kitchen, leaving the guys at the card table. “You know, Bob,” says Steve, “we’ve played bridge every Friday night for years, and every Friday night I have to help you remember which cards to play. I haven’t had to do that once tonight. What’s up?” “Well,” says Bob, “I’m taking a new memory improvement course.” “It certainly seems to be working,” says Steve. “What’s it called?” Bob furrows his brow, and a serious look comes over his face. “Okay,” he says, “what’s the flower that’s red and has the thorns?” “A rose,” Steve responds. Bob leans back in his chair and calls out to the kitchen, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory course I’m taking?”" +10118,4,"An airplane was about to crash... There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, ""I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, ""My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."" The little boy said, ""That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag.""" +10119,1,You can wear pants or you can be on time... but you can't do both. - sayeth my dad +10120,0,"I always wondered why there are 3 substitutes included in a soccer team. Then i realised, otherwise it would be an odd team." +10121,1,Mario's abortion clinic Don't kid your self +10122,2,Most of the people against death penalty aren't against the concept.. They are just against the execution. +10123,0,"What did Julius say to Brutus when he asked to borrow his cell phone? ""Not right now man, I'm Roman.""" +10124,5,Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden? It ends at the Finnish line. +10125,2,"I got kicked out of a restaurant last night... This lady sitting next to me started choking, so i got up quick, pulled her pants down and licked her ass, ive never seen the hindlick maneuver performed but i thought how hard could it be." +10126,3,Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject... Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow. +10127,0,A man locks eyes with a woman... Now they're blind. +10128,0,"In jokes... In jokes, some prefer ambiguity, but I can't tell the difference." +10129,3,Mountains aren't just funny... ..they are hill-areas. +10130,3,Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a pretty good career for himself in pest control... They say he's a great ex-terminator +10131,2,Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations Patrons may no longer order black coffee. +10132,1,Why did its break up with it's? It's is possessive. +10133,0,Is food a joke? Because African children don't get it. +10134,1,"Whenever I feel like I have too many friends, I tell them I'm a Trump supporter." +10135,2,"Blonde: 50% chance to meet a dinosaur Question to a blonde: \\--What are the chances that you will meet a dinosaur in the street? \\--50%. \\--? \\--Well, either I meet him, or I do not meet him." +10136,0,Why Was Donald Trump Not Allowed to Join the CIA? Because they already had Agent Orange +10137,1,What’s the difference between a good mannered kid and the Spanish Inquisition? You expect your kid to have good manners. +10138,0,What was the last thing to go through mr grass hoppers mind as he hit the windshield? His ass... +10139,0,I like my women how I like my whisky 12 years old and Scottish +10140,2,What do you call a girl with one leg Aileen +10141,2,"Hotdogs made of monkeys So there was this butcher, who had a machine that turns monkey into hotdogs he used to sell them as regular hotdogs and no one ever doubted it, but the man never make more than one monkey a day that was his secret . One day the man went on a trip and left his son at his shop before he went he strictly tells his son to not make more than one monkey no matter what . His son seeing that the hotdogs were selling quite fast decided to turn another monkey into hotdogs but when he did that people stopped buying and a lot of hotdogs are left When the father came back he found a butt load of hotdogs unsold Father : I told you not to make more than one monkey ,you stupid monkey! What am I supposed to do with all those left hotdogs now! Son : I'm sorry father, but since we have a machine that turns monkeys into hotdogs is there a machine that do the opposite? Father : Of course there is! your mom's vagina ! I put my dick in and it gave me you! PS : translated from Arabic language " +10142,0,In A Butcher's Shop The Butcher tried to bet a customer that he couldn't reach some meat on the top shelf. But the customer refused. The steaks were too high. +10143,1,"A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth. A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down. ""Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"" ""It's just ice cream, I swear to God!""" +10144,0,Want to know my two favorite things? Cooking and masturbating and I'm not sure what the second one is. +10145,1,BREAKING: FCC votes to repeal Net Neutrality Switzerland to be block from US internet +10146,2,Yo Mama’s so fat... Thanos had to snap twice! +10147,1,"It's the first warm Saturday of spring, so I asked my friends if they'd like to have some beer and hang out on my dock for a few hours. Fucking autocorrect." +10148,3,"Guys i just recently bought a 512Gb iPhone 11 Pro Max, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 9 years old, cute, thin and not really tall." +10149,1,"Back when I was in school... I was a huge metal fan. One day this really pretty girl came over and sat down next to me in the lunch room. I tried so hard to be cool, I'd never tried to be cool so hard in my life! Then the worst possible thing happened. The teacher started walking over towards me, and when she got there... she unplugged me." +10150,4,"Instead Of Blocking Your Ex Become such a disaster online, that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you ​ Revenge 101" +10151,1,What do you call a castrator? A Nut Cracker +10152,2,"4 rules to a happy mariage You need a women who loves you unconditionally. You need a women who will always challenge you. A women who you'll always want to make love to. Most importantly make sure these women never meet. Obligatory, not my joke (as most on this subreddit.) Started watching Lie to Me and that's where I got it from." +10153,0,Did you hear about the guy who was a conscientious objector in the War on Christmas? I don't care what he claimed. I think he's just a noel coward. +10154,2,What does an anime firetruck sound like? owo owo owo owo owo owo owo +10155,5,What's the difference between America and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll develop a culture. +10156,1,British Bake-Off? I prefer British Bac-on +10157,0,What's the difference between Trump and the Nutella thief? The nutella thief knew what he was doing +10158,2,"Have you heard the one about the two gay Irishmen? Yeah, Peter Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzpeter.." +10159,2,Two tomatoes walked over a road. Gene modification have gone way too far. +10160,1,My dad is really good at fishing He’s also very efishient. +10161,0,[SPOILER] John Snow... Really upped the auntie when he slepted with Daenerys +10162,0,What did the Apollo 1 designer do to the families of the dead astronauts? He apollo-gized. +10163,1,Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well +10164,1,"A man walks into a bar, looks around warily and sits down. The man tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch, before the trouble starts. The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away. After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him, ""Pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts."" The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch. After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch, before the trouble starts. The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch. Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: ""Say friend, when is this trouble going to start?"" To which the man replies, ""The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money.""" +10165,1,-Thanks for introducing me to minimalism. \\-It’s the least I could do. +10166,0,If you shake more than three times... You have prostate problems. +10167,1,What is OC? A rarity. +10168,5,Why did Chewbacca fail his driving test? He made a few Wookiee errors. +10169,3,"I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!" +10170,1,Do you know why so many swedes believe in reincarnation? Because they are going to be Bjorn again. +10171,1,"So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago... And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me ""come up in an hour and we can have super sex"". ""Great!"" I replied. ""I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!""." +10172,0,Why couldn't the panda ever make a baby? He spends all day fucking other dudes' asses +10173,0,How was the copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over a penny +10174,2,"Happy cowboy walks into a bar... A cowboy walks into a bar, looking as happy as can be. Another man sitting down asks him, “What on Earth could you be so happy for?” The cowboy promptly answers with “I just untied a woman from the train tracks and proceeded to have sex with her” The other man, astonished, asks for more details. The cowboy proceeds to tell the other man all the positions they did it in, the silkiness of her skin, etc. The other man, now excited, asks “Well did she give you head?” “No, I couldn’t find it”" +10175,2,Did you hear about the Irish Rabbi who specialised in circumcisions? He slipped and got the sack. +10176,6,"Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too. When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth. I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple. But then it hit me: What have I done? I spent all our family savings on one stupid apple! Feeling horrible, I went ahead and cleaned up the apple: with the hopes that the seller will buy it back from me. He saw the apple and said: wow, that's such a nice apple. I'd give you a dollar for that. That was my a-ha moment, grasshoppers. I took that dollar and bought 2 dirty apples with it. Cleaned them very well for an hour, and sold them for 2 dollars. I was off to races. In 14 days my business performed beyond wildest expectations: I netted a solid 256$. Then on the 15th day the uncle of my wife in Dubai passed away and left us two billion dollars of cash inheritance." +10177,0,"Everyone kept covering their eyes when I approached them, and when I got home I looked in the mirror and saw a strand of spinach across my front tooth." +10178,0,Why did the cannibal have a stomachache? They ate someone they didn't agree with. +10179,1,"I've never dated a girl that likes anal. Also, the last three words are unnecessary. " +10180,0,"People in my town are so mean... At any time, you could throw a rock and hit an angry person. (Probably not original but just thought of it)" +10181,0,What do you call it when a specialist on reptiles accidentally lets loose a venomous snake? A herp derp. +10182,3,Yo mamma so fat That Thanos had to clap +10183,1,A watched pot never boils but a redhead will sunburn regardless of witnesses +10184,3,What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer. +10185,0,"I did something amazing yesterday, I slept for 12 hours. It was a do z" +10186,0,"I really have to pull out all the stops to convince the wife to make love Light some candles for a romantic atmosphere, scented oils, a sacrificial goat and its blood to draw the pentagram, and she still screams ""who are you?! Is that a dead animal? Why is there blood every where? The house is on fire!"" Things got pretty lit" +10187,2,I had a short prison sentence. ^that was it. +10188,0,Why did the fish's car break down? It needed a tuna-up. +10189,2,What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A Auschwitz accepted gays +10190,1,I hear U2’s lawyers... are all pro Bono... +10191,2,What do you get when you mix literature with alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird +10192,6,Shoutout to my Grandpa Because that's the only way he can hear. +10193,0,I want to die in my sleep... ...not screaming like the people in my carnival ride. Oldy with new twist. What can you change it to? +10194,2,"I thought I had schizophrenia. Turns out it was my wife saying: ""You treat me like I don't exist.""" +10195,0,Prostitution is the only industry Prostitution is the only industry where freshers are paid more than the experienced ones. +10196,0,You know how I know you're gay? NSFW Because your dick tastes like shit. +10197,7,"Sex competition An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest. ""We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros."" So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world. At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, ""One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"" " +10198,2,I asked a German kid “Does 4+5=10?” He said “NEIN!” +10199,0,I think my dishwasher is broken It stopped giving me head +10200,3,What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller +10201,0,"What do you say when someone pisses on you? ""Urine big trouble now.""" +10202,0,"I was playing Mario Kart when... I was hit by a blue shell during Mario Kart. I was pretty upset so I tried to figure out who did it. None of the people I was playing with had a blue shell at the time so I was confused. I gave up and turned on the TV where I finally figure out who did it. Luckily, ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack." +10203,1,A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral. “He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.” +10204,1,What was the pepper shaker arrested for? A salt +10205,1,"A polish man goes to the optician... Optician: ""could you tell me what it says on this chart?"" Polish man: ""tell you!? I went to school with him!""" +10206,0,"Shortest Poem in the World, called ""Fleas"" Adam Had 'Em (told to me by my pastor at church)" +10207,3,"Donald trump wants to run for president, Why not? Wouldn't be the first time he's pushed a black family out of their home. (Snoop Dogg - /u/Here_Comes_The_King )" +10208,0,The three mastardears For a laugh three French soldiers put mustard in their ears from then on they are called the three mustardears!!!mu +10209,1,"Why was the repeating offender upset with his lawyer? He was on his case, again. " +10210,4,"A Second Opinion Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.” Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”" +10211,3,Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage... Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant. She goes Mondays I go Fridays. +10212,0,Did you hear about the new pop singer that has giant nipples? Her name is Areola Grande. +10213,2,"A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender points to the sign on the wall that says ""No jokes served here."" They ask, ""Where can we get a drink?"" ""The place across the street,"" replies the bartender. As they start to leave, a horse walks in. The bartender points to the sign and says ""Follow them,"" but before they made it out, the door a chicken flies in. The bartender points and said, ""You too."" The chicken says, ""You've gotta be kidding me."" " +10214,0,"There was this rusty old medical needle. He was sad because he’d been used and just discarded like trash. Being sad and lonely, one day he decided to sign up with an agency to help him find the woman of his dreams. They hooked him up with a big fat syringe. He wasn’t very attracted to her, (he liked his women to be a bit more slender), but beggars can’t be choosers and by the end of the date he rather liked her. However, after the date weeks had gone by and he hadn’t heard from her at all. He called the agency to see if they had any feedback about why she didn’t want a second date. The agency said, “We’re sorry Mr. Needle, but it seems she doesn’t want to ever see you again. She said she couldn’t possibly see herself with you, as you’re just a little prick.” " +10215,0,What do you have if your son is a dick Addiction +10216,1,What did the existentialist cow say? Camoo +10217,1,What happens when you piss on an electric fence? You're in charge. +10218,2,What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick. +10219,0,Fresh original material. Definition of Aretifist: Someone seriously aroused when a partner bares their sole. +10220,0,"Do you want to hear a joke about planes? Actually, nevermind. It would probably just fly over your head" +10221,0,"Two nuns walk out of their convent Two guys jump them and start raping them. The first nun looks up as the guy is on top of her and says: “Got forgive him, he does not know what he’s doing” The second one looks up with a smile and shouts out: “Mine does!”" +10222,2,"I am bad at math, I often mix up multiplication and division. Though I am great at biology, cause they’re the same damn thing!" +10223,2,"A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal. So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies ""You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die.""" +10224,2,I hung out with a homosexual elderly watchmaker the other day We had a gay old time +10225,6,Old McDonald had a farm... 2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5) +10226,0,"A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi go camping. They get into an argument over who's faith is the true one. Spotting a bear across the stream from their campsite the Minister says, ""I'll prove Protestantism is the true faith. Follow me, I'll baptize that bear."" They run down to the water's edge and the Minister tries to attract the bear's attention. The bear plunges into the water and the Minister announces, ""I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."" ""That's just a start,"" exclaims the Priest. He lays communion wafers on the bank and beckons the bear forward. The bear reaches the bank and gobbles down the wafers. The Priest says, ""The Body of Christ,"" and with that the race up the hillside to their camp. When they get there they notice the Rabbi isn't with them. After a few minutes they get worried and head back down the trail. They come to the streambank and find the Rabbi: bruised, bloody, but, thankfully, still alive. They ask him what happened. He moans and says, ""Oy. I never should have started with circumcision.""" +10227,0,Hitler was never a huge fan of milk crates... It was the juice boxes he despised. +10228,1,What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his tooshie. +10229,1,Wearing Crocs is like getting a BJ from a dude They both feel great until you look down. +10230,1,"There are two kinds of people in the world, Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data..." +10231,2,"What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator was opened? ""Close that damn door! Can't you see I'm dressing??""" +10232,1,What's something that will only kill you if you kick it? The bucket. +10233,0,What is the Harry Potter author’s favorite way to get down a hill? Driving. J/K. Rolling. +10234,1,how do you cheer up a dog that's lost its tail? retail therapy +10235,6,"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts." +10236,0,What did the horse say when he saw his friend at the store? Hay. +10237,1,What do you call an alligator in a suit? An in\\-vest\\-a\\-gator +10238,0,What do you call a dolphin that cheats on his girlfriend? A multi-porpoise tool! +10239,3,I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it. +10240,3,"What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this sh*t." +10241,4,"The big funeral A man was in a town and noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A hearse was followed by a second hearse at a distance behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him, at a little distance, was a group of about 200 men in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiousity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. ""I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you in a procession. Whose funeral is it?"" The mourner replied, ""Well, that first hearse is for my wife"", as a tear rolled down his face. ""What happened to her?"" the man asked. The mourner answered, ""My dog attacked and killed her"", as another tear went down his face. Getting a bit uncomfortable, but now more curious, the man inquired further, ""Well, who is in the second hearse?"" The man answered, ""My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. Hesitantly, the man asked ""Can I borrow the dog?"" The mourner nodded, looked over his shoulder and said ""Join the queue."" " +10242,1,What kind of cars do furries drive? Furraris. +10243,0,I hate it when people compare Freddy Mercury to God. I mean God is great and all but he's no Freddy Mercury +10244,2,Why is it so difficult to call Chinese people? There's so many wings it's easy to wing the wong number. +10245,0,Did you know that 50% of a Asians have Cataracts? the rest of them drive Rincolns. +10246,2,"Native humor Native American family driving down the road see a car pulled over on the side with its hood up. They pull over and the dad asks the man ""what's wrong?"" He replies ""piston broke!"" Dad says ""You can come with us. We're pissed and broke too!""" +10247,0,What do you get if you play a country song backwards? A better song. +10248,3,"So, if terrorists had kids... Would they say “Here comes the Airplane!” and just shove the spoon around the child’s face?" +10249,3,"A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party He invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting. Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, ""I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who'll join him in the pool."" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it, getting it in choke holds, biting it's tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell. Finally, after what seemed like an age, Brian strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish. An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool with everybody staring at him in disbelief. The millionaire said, ""Well, Brian, I reckon I owe you a million dollars then... What do you plan to do with the money?"" Still catching his breath Brian replied ""I'm going to find the guy who pushed me in the pool and kill him""" +10250,1,What do you call a small Tyrannosaurus Rex? A Tinysaurus Rex. +10251,7,Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair? Because they can't stand up for themselves. +10252,1,I recently had a heated debate with a mathematician about fractions It's fair to say that our opinions were divided +10253,6,"My wife is a sex object I ask for sex, she objects" +10254,0,My wife had her purse stolen once She called to tell me and when i checked the bank the thief was spending less than her... +10255,1,How much did it cost for workers to move a decorative tree into the small house? Tree fitty. +10256,0,"A blind man went to a fish market ""Hello, ladies!""" +10257,1,How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change anything. +10258,1,My five year old told me when bees scratch each other they have baby boys. I told him to not be so ridiculous. He then called me a son of a bee itch. +10259,0,"Arguing with your girl is like... Participating in Paralympics. You might win, but You will still be a Cripple -----------------------------" +10260,3,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off +10261,0,"A blonde was working in a laboratory A blonde was working in a laboratory examining house flies. She removed one of the wings off a fly and threw it forward saying go on fly away! The fly flew for a little while and then fell down. The blonde wrote down in her report: The common house fly; when one wing is removed, it takes flight for a short time and then falls down. Then the blonde took the same fly and removed the remaining wing and saying ""Shoo, fly away!"" she held it in her hand. The fly didnt move at all. She wrote down: The common house fly, when both wings are removed, it becomes deaf." +10262,0,"What one tonsil say to the other tonsil? ""hurry up and get dressed the doctor taking us out today""" +10263,4,When I die I want my group project members to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time +10264,1,These Brock Turner jokes are really distasteful. Maybe they'd be okay if I was blackout drunk. +10265,0,My attractive colleague asked me for the test statistic used to detect 1st order serial autocorrelation and I'm like... She wants the d +10266,5,"I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She said: ""They're right behind you.""" +10267,0,What does Miss Frizzle say when she's orgasming? Oh God I'm cumming! +10268,2,"So this drug dealer sold me some shoe laces I dunno what he put in them, but I've been tripping all day!" +10269,0,A made a sandbag out of Guinness Books... ... and now I'm beating all the records. +10270,7,Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did. +10271,1,I got rear-ended the other day and my neck still hurts. I think I'm going to they that Chinese thing with the needles... You know...heroin. +10272,3,I got a fishing pole for my wife I thought it was a pretty good trade. +10273,2,"Wives are also like hurricanes... When they come they're wet and wild, when they leave they take your house and your car." +10274,2,"A termite walks into a bar and asks, ""is the bar tender here?""" +10275,2,Why are christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them +10276,1,What do Democrats do when they lose a game of CSGO? They blame the Russians +10277,1,There are only three kinds of people that I hate.: Those who can’t count and those who hate. +10278,0,What do you call a group of horses? Neighbors +10279,0,What's the difference between a couple with kids and a couple without kids? Isn't it aparaent? +10280,2,"A Blonde, a Brunnete, and a Redhead work at a construction company. They have all worked with each other for years, and would always eat together for their lunch break. They would always have the same sandwiches packed for their lunch. They were sick and tired of eating the same thing every day. The Brunette said, ""If I have another turkey sandwich packed in my lunch tomorrow I am going to jump off of this building."" The Redhead said, ""If I have another ham sandwich packed in my lunch tomorrow I am going to jump off of the building."" The Blonde said, "" If I have another PB&J sandwich packed in my lunch tomorrow, I am going to jump off the building."" So the next day when they were on their lunch break, they opened up their lunch and they all had the same things packed. So they jumped off the building they were working on, and killed themselves. At the funeral, the wives of the Redhead and Brunette were crying, because they found out that their husbands had killed themselves because of the lunches they packed for them every day. They looked over at the wife of the Blonde who had died, and she was laughing. They asked her why she was laughing, when her husband had just died. She said, ""That idiot! He packs his own lunch.""" +10281,0,"Hostess: Tea or coffee? Coffee please. No, it's tea." +10282,3,Why are so many hipsters sweaty? They put on their winter coats before it's cool. +10283,0,There are || types of people Those who got the concept of zero and those who don't +10284,1,"I was heading for the bowl of juice at the party last night. Before I could grab the ladel, another guy walked in front of me and took the last of the juice before I could get any... ...He beat me to the punch." +10285,2,One of my friends is a nurse who used to throw up everytime someone with no feet came into her ward. Turns out she was lack toes intolerant. +10286,3,"My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, Ill bring my MP5" +10287,0,Old people always say 'There's no place like home' Until you put them in one... +10288,0,"I did a survey asking about people favourite type of tree Oak won by a lot, but cedar was pretty poplar too" +10289,3,"I got the words ""Jacuzzi"" and ""Yakuza"" mixed up yesterday. ...now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia. " +10290,2,What’s the difference between beginner and expert bagpipers? Nothing. +10291,0,"BoyFriend & GirlFriend BoyFriend : Hey.! Please give me a kiss.. GirlFriend : No, Not before marriage.. BoyFriend : Don't Worry Darling, I am already married.." +10292,0,What theme did Leia and Rowan Atkinson have on their marriage? Caribbean... Carrie Bean.. PS Battle is welcome on this one :P Edit: Maybe this one workes better with Sarah Jessica Parker and Rowan Atkinson :P +10293,1,I was going to tell a joke about sodium But then I was like Na no one will get it +10294,0,"Goes a bunny on a nice summer day... with freshly made joint by the river walk, lies down in the grass and starts to smoke. The beaver comes by and asks: ""Hey Bunny, what do you have there? "" ""A nice joint that hits you nicely!"" Beaver: ""Anything left for me? Will too like to be high. "" Bunny: ""Nah, I do not have any more, sorry, but I have an idea, I'll let you inhale once and so that it hits you well, you do not breathe out and dive through the river!"" The beaver says OK, takes a strong breath and swim through the river. On the other side, he comes out and is immediately high! He is doing so well, he is laying in the grass and chilling. A hippo comes by and asks, ""Hey Beaver what's up, why are you in such a good mood? "" Biber: ""I've just smoked something with the bunny."" Hippo: ""Anything left for me?"" Beaver: ""Sorry, the bunny just had very little and only let me inhale once, but you will certainly get something if you ask nicely. Just swim over, the bunny is on the on the other side of the river! "" Said, done: The hippo dives over and crawls on the other side on Riverbank. The bunny looks horrified and screams: ""EXHALE BEAVER, EXHALE !!!!!""" +10295,0,I sexually identify as a transmission That's right. I'm a tranny. +10296,0,"What company makes fun of your mom the most? Yamaha. Explanation: >!Ya = Your!< >!Ma = mom!< >!Ha = funny (laugh sound, as in ""ha ha ha!"").!< >!Ya ma ha = Your mom is funny!<" +10297,0,"After all the sad things that happened this year, all the passings, I can't help but sing aud Lang sigh " +10298,1,"What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces? A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces." +10299,0,Checked the time on my phone It was 4:04 so I tried again +10300,1,"Life is like an elevator... It has its ups and downs, but most of the time you just get the shaft." +10301,1,"The story of the Pink Ping Pong Balls There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him, ""My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"" His son replied. ""Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."" His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him. ""My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"" ""Okay son, go ahead."" The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found. On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again. ""My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"" His son replied. ""Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."" His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said. ""My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"" The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room. On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again. ""My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"" ""Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."" Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked. ""My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want a truck full of pink ping pong balls?"" His son replied. ""My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."" His father agreed and ordered a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said. ""My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the truck and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"" The father agreed and the boy spent the night in the truck. When the father went back to check on him in the morning, all the pink ping pong balls were gone, and only the boy was left, sleeping in the back of the truck. The day before the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again. ""My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"" ""Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one oil tanker full of ping pong balls."" The father was very confused by this and had to ask again. ""My son can you tell me why you want these pink ping pong balls?"" His son replied. ""My father. Please humour me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right."" His father once again, agreed and bought all the ping pong ball factories in the world and made the workers work overtime to produce all the pink ping pong balls needed. He also bought an oil tanker and a pump, a crane and a dump truck to get all the ping pong balls in overnight. On his birthday, his father gave him the oil tanker full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said. ""My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the oil tanker and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?"" Now the father had expected this and had made sure the oil tanker was completely safe for the boy's use. He agreed and the boy went into the oil tanker for the night. The next morning, when the father went to check, all he found was his son sleeping in the ship with all the pink pong balls gone without a trace. Now, a few days before his next birthday, the boy got into a huge car accident and was on the verge of death. His father asked him. ""My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"" The boy replied with a choked voice, obviously forcing himself to speak despite the pain. ""My father... It would make me the happiest... boy in the world... if you could get me one... pink... ping pong ball..."" His father replied. ""My son. This may be the last time I ever speak to you. Will you please tell me why you wanted all the pink ping pong balls?"" ""Alright father. Come closer."" His father nodded, bringing his face up close to his son's. The son's voice was getting weak by this point, coughing in between breaths. Still, he brought up the strength for one final sentance. ""The reason I wanted all the pink ping pong balls is-"" And then he died." +10302,0,how many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? juan. +10303,0,Why was the king only ten inches tall? He wasn't a very good ruler. +10304,4,Our parents had to walk uphill both ways in 2 feet of snow to get to school... But they didn't have to dodge bullets when they get there. +10305,1,Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes? Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell. +10306,2,Yo momma so fat You took a picture of her on an empty sd card and it said memory full +10307,0,It is still so sad what happened to Paul Walker... At least he died doing what he loved the most... Hugging trees +10308,0,Why does Jesus golf with no hands? Because he always gets a hole in one. My wife hates this joke. +10309,3,"Did you hear about the dad who told his son if he didn’t stop masturbating he would go blind? Son said, “Dad, I’m over here.”" +10310,5,How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw. +10311,3,"Social Security sex Two men were talking. ""So, how's your sex life?"" ""Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."" ""Social Security sex?"" ""Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”" +10312,1,Why can't US Presidents play bridge together? Because Donald gets confused whenever someone makes a bid of No Trumps. +10313,2,Yo momma so fat.. She broke the branch in her family tree! +10314,0,"A cannibal goes in for questioning A cannibal goes in for questioning after eating an Italian. The instigators hook him up to a polygraph and begin asking him questions. “Where were you last night sir?” Asks the instigator “I was at my house” replies the cannibal “What were you doing?” Asks the instigator “I came in after work and ate dinner, then went to bed” rebuts the cannibal “Do you know who this man is?” Asks the instigator, showing him a picture of the Italian that he ate “I don’t think I do” replies the cannibal The polygraph quivers “I’ll take you over to the more advanced polygraph, come with me” says the instigator The cannibal follows him, and gets hooked up to the new machine “How was dinner last night?” The instigator asks “It was good” says the cannibal “What did you eat” Asks the instigator “Just some Italian” " +10315,5,A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps. The next day he pooped his pants. +10316,6,"My wife left a note on the refrigerator for me... ""It's not working anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to stay with my mother for awhile."" I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?" +10317,3,NSFW Why can't you have surprise butt sex? You gotta plan for that shit +10318,5,What do you call a factory that only makes good products? A satisfactory +10319,1,"A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar. The bartender says, ""The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"" " +10320,1,What do you call a Mennonite with his arm up a horses ass? The mechanic. +10321,2,"A dude walks into a bank... ""Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"" The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down. ""What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"" ""Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"" ""What the fuck are you talking about, what offensive language"" The teller goes back to the manager and tell him about the clients rude behaviour. The manager congratulates her for standing her ground and not thanking the crap. The manager tells her to follow him and watch how to handle these difficult clients. The manager returns to the counter: ""Sir, do we have a problem?"" ""Fuck no, I just won $50 million at the lottery, and I want to open a fucking bank account!"" The manager pointing back to the lady teller: "" And **that bitch** is giving you trouble!!!""" +10322,2,"Slip of the tongue Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?” “What” says his friend “I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I accidentally asked for two tickets to Titsburg!” The friend replies, “that’s funny! I had the same slip of the tongue over dinner with my wife” “Really what happened?” The friend says back “She asked me something and I said ‘shut the fuck up bitch you ruined my life’” " +10323,1,What do you call a number that wanders about? A Roman numeral (stolen shamelessly from my friend) +10324,0,Bathroom conversation. Toothbrush: I have the worst job in the world. Toilet paper: Ya.. Right. +10325,2,"I was in my local pub yesterday talking to a bloke. Him: ""Yesterday my wife left me for my best friend..."" Me: ""Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what a bitch. How long has he been your best friend?"" Him: ""Since yesterday!! Drinks are on me lads!!!""" +10326,0,My dog seemed very upset today I think he had a ruff day +10327,2,Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army because Fred wrote he had grown another foot. +10328,0,"Who says men don't remember? no, really. i forget." +10329,0,My friend got a muscle car I asked him if he was aware of the fact that cars are not powered by muscles anymore. +10330,0,I can't celebrate Thanksgiving this year We refuse to set the Thanksgiving table until my dad gets back. +10331,0,I'm not cumin! Said Caraway. +10332,0,"A US general is chatting with his son, about the world, about politics and about war, and the conversation drifts round to nuclear weapons, and how they are so powerful they could destroy whole countries. The little boys eyes widen ""They can destroy whole countries?"" ""Sure can son, which is why we have to keep control of them"" ""How many would it need to destroy a country"" ""Well, that depends on the country son - small countries, not many, big country lots"" ""How many to destoy England"" ""I don't really know, a small country like that, 20, maybe 30"" ""How about France?"" ""Just one and they'll run"" jokes the General ""But probably 40 or so"" ""How about the US?"" ""Well, we're a mighty big country son, so 70 or 80 would be nasty"" ""How about Russia?"" ""94"" " +10333,2,My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction They said it's either the toys or us +10334,1,Did you hear about the balding bee? He tried to hide it with a honeycombover. +10335,1,"Spiders Saw a huge spider the other day. my grandma always said ""it can't kill you, it's smaller then you"" I then pointed out that grenades are smaller. She doesn't say anything anymore, Cancer got her. " +10336,0,I once ran into Dwayne Johnson at a public restroom I guess you could say I smelt what The Rock was cooking. +10337,1,"Charles Schulz recently hired me as a writer. The job is fine, but I'm literally working for peanuts." +10338,2,"A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall... He approached a uniformed security guard and said, ""I've lost my grandpa."" The guard asked, ""What's he like?"" The boy replied, ""Jack Daniels and women with big tits."" " +10339,0,You know you're growing old when ... You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore. +10340,1,Toronto joke! In Western Canada we like to pick on Torontonians. How many people from Toronto does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. They think the world revolves around them. +10341,2,"A Jewish man and a Chinese man were chatting. The Jewish man commented on what a wise people the Chinese are. ""Yes, our culture is over 4,000 years old. But you Jews are a very wise people, too."" The Jewish man replied, ""Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."" The Chinese man couldn't believe it. ""That's impossible,"" he replied. ""Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"" Happy Chanukah everyone!" +10342,0,Why don't Mexicans play bridge? Because they're afraid of the trump card. +10343,1,I've had amnesia Since I can't remember +10344,7,"If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P" +10345,1,Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bay-gulls. +10346,0,Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus? She heard about his second coming +10347,2,Why did the lawyer lose his case? His client was a thief. +10348,1,"It's 5 o'clock. See ya. I'm gonna make like a banana and lay around unused, gradually festering until I start to attract flies." +10349,0,I got good news and bad news The bad news is there's no good news. The good news is... well I just told you. OR The good news is there's no bad news. The bad news is... well I just told you. +10350,2,Why don't birds eat potato chips? Because it RUFFLES their feathers. +10351,2,I know a guy who lives in North Korea He says he can't complain. +10352,5,Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes? [remooved] +10353,0,"One day, I was with my grandma (NSFW) I was eating her out, when I thought I tasted horse semen. I thought to myself ""wow, I wonder if that's how she died?""" +10354,2,What’s the difference between a plane crash and cat shit? One is a catastrophe. The other is a cat ass trophy. +10355,0,You can eat lava but only once. +10356,0,"I went to high school with a fella named Aaron Champion. At his family reunions they would sing ""We are the Champions""" +10357,0,"My grandpa died due to too much salt in his diet. I don't know why, salt doesn't seem too scary to me." +10358,1,Just a final check before I head off for my vacation Passport? Check Money? Check Itinerary? Check Luggage? Check Hotel? Trivago +10359,1,Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny +10360,0,"Named my city Original Badasses Been made fun of for being fat for so long then when I finally had enough money to build my own city, I thought I'd name it something completely different then what I am. Turns out that O. B. city was a bad name. " +10361,0,Why did the man break out in a rash when he hugged the Snoopy doll? He was allergic to Peanuts! +10362,0,How do you kill 15 flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan +10363,0,Why couldn't the lake birds get along? Because they were SWAN enemies. +10364,1,"A real estate agent and a pimp are having drinks at a hotel bar ""Today was a great day. I made 100,000 dollars!"" The real estate agent proclaims. The pimp asks, ""how the hell did you make so much money in a single day?"" ""Well"" replies the agent, ""I had a couple who want to sell their house for 500,000 dollars and I sold it today."" ""So what cut do you take?"" Asks the Pimp ""I take a twenty percent commission"" The agent states proudly with a smile. ""That's not very honest"" The pimp retorts, ""At least with my clients, they know they are getting fucked.""" +10365,2,"A five year old read a story about a king 5yo: mom, i also want 3 wives, one to feed me, one to bathe me, one to sing for me. mom: and which one will put you to sleep? 5yo: none, i'd still sleep with you. mom: you're the best son ever. but where will your wives sleep then? 5yo: they can sleep with dad. dad: you really are the best son ever." +10366,2,What do you say to a female horse that is lying down? Get this gallop +10367,4,What do you call a cross-dressing whale? Maybe Dick +10368,0,Yo mama so stupid She threw her phone out the window because it was on airplane mode. +10369,6,"Colonel Sanders calls up the pope. ""Your holiness"", he says. ""My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'"". ""I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders"" the pope replies. ""I cannot change the word of God. I wish you good luck with your business."" A month later, Colonel Sanders calls back, even more desperate. ""50 million dollars to the Vatican"", he says, ""if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'"". ""I'm sorry Mr. Sanders. The word of God is sacred and can't be changed"", the pope replies. ""You'll have to try something else."" A month later, Colonel Sanders calls back in pure desperation. ""Please, your holiness. My sales are in the hole. I'll donate 100 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'"". The pope sighs and says, ""OK, let me get back to you."" He then calls up his bishops and says, ""Gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC will be donating 100 million dollars to the Vatican."" The bishops erupt in cheers. After quieting down, one asks, ""and the bad news?"" The pope replies solemnly, ""we will be losing the Wonder Bread account""." +10370,1,"A cowboy, in the old west, is drinking whiskey at local saloon. A cowboy, in the old west, is drinking whiskey at a local saloon. He finishes up and goes outside and finds that his horse is missing. He swaggers back into the saloon, pulls out his gun and yells ""Alright y'all, somebody stole my horse! I am going to have one more whiskey and when I am done, my horse better be back. If it is not, I am going to have to do what I did last time somebody stole my horse! I don't like what I have do, but it must be done!"" With that he holsters his pistol and gets another whiskey. When he is done he swaggers back outside and his horse is back. He mounts up and a guy puts his head over the swinging saloon doors and says, ""Hey mister, what did you do last time somebody stole your horse?"" The cowboy looks down from his saddle and drawls, ""Well sir, I had to walk home"". Turns his horse and canters off. " +10371,2,"A new husband store A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and you are all total cows that want,want and fucking want. Like the rest, you are also nothing but a greedy good for nothing cow. No wonder you are on you own. you are a horrible cunt, that should be left on the shelf. Just what you fucking deserve. Now fuck off! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer and fuck you whenever you desire! The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited." +10372,1,Do you know what really floats my boat? The mass of the boat being less than the mass of water which it displaces. +10373,2,"A student calls his college to enrol in a calculus course... A student calls his college and says ""I want to take calculus, but the system won't let me enrol"". The woman on the other line looks at his record and says: ""it looks like you're already taking a full course load! don't you know what the limit is?"", to which he replies: ""That's what I'm trying to find!""" +10374,1,"How many babies does it take to paint a wall. I dont know, depends how hard you throw them." +10375,1,What's the worst part about playing uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards +10376,1,"Had an interesting car journey today.. .. I was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the my window. I rolled down the window and asked, ""What's happening?"" ""Terrorists have kidnapped Obama. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."" I then said, ""How much is everyone giving?'' ""About a gallon.""" +10377,1,"Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped on water? Damn it !!" +10378,3,"I heard this barber got arrested today for selling drugs. I’m gutted, I was his best customer.. I never knew he was a barber" +10379,1,What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos. +10380,1,"I’ve been studying the mind a lot lately, and I’ve been finding it very interesting! It really makes you think, y’know?" +10381,1,So did you hear the one about the guy that would scream and yell about losing his foot? Turns out on top of being diabetic he was lacktoes intolerant +10382,3,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it." +10383,3,As a feminist... Having little light up men at the traffic lights makes me cross. +10384,0,"Why did God invent the triangle? He didn’t have a choice, did she?" +10385,0,"Be careful about drink driving this Christmas... A warning to all, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Double Decker before and I am not even sure where I got it from." +10386,1,"Happy Valentine's to my one true love Alexa, you really light up my life." +10387,0,"Teacher: ""Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"" Teacher: ""Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: ""Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: ""Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"" Little Johnny: ""No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone...""" +10388,2,2 scientists were at a science sale The first one was selling protons and electrons for .10 cents each. The second one was just handing out neutrons to anyone. When I asked the second one why he wouldn't accept any money for the neutrons he repllied: *they're free of charge*. +10389,4,"When God created women... He told them: ""Women from all the corners of the world should have equal rights to men."" Ironically he made the Earth round." +10390,0,Do you raise your own chickens? Cuz you look like you know how to handle a cock. +10391,0,Why did the boy drip his ice cream? He got hit by a bus. +10392,7,"A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, ""do you have that book for men with small penises?"" The librarian looks on her computer and says, ""I don't know if it's in yet."" The man replies, ""Yeah that's the one.""" +10393,1,What do you call a bee ghost? A boo-bee +10394,3,"A Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Canadian An Englishman a Frenchman and a Canadian all get lost in the woods and run into a tribe of Indians. The Indians tell them that they can choose how they die then they'll use their skin for canoes. So the Englishman asks for a gun yells long live the queen and shoots himself. The Frenchman asks for a sword yells viva la France and stabs himself. Then they get to the Canadian who asks for a fork, after an hour of him stabbing himself the Indians ask him what he is doing so he turns to them and says there goes your canoe" +10395,0,My girlfriend handcuffed me and blew my penis off with her gun. I didn't even know what a blowjob was earlier. I am glad I mustered enough courage to say a pickup line while being pulled over. +10396,4,Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it. +10397,0,To the guy who hacked my Reddit account..... Karma's a bitch. +10398,1,Anyone heard of the Italian Chef that died? He just pasta-way. +10399,0,"My grandfather was one of the most important figures to the Civil Rights movement. If he hadn't forced Rosa Parks out of her seat, it would never have taken off." +10400,3,My friend told me I had to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybeeeee +10401,1,Why was Jesus always in good shape? Because he was cross-fit. +10402,2,How does a mathematician get rid of constipation? He gets a pencil and works it out. +10403,1,"I could tell you a black joke, but you heard Jamal." +10404,3,"I am not racist, my shadow is black." +10405,4,Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them both; said it’d be like winning the lottery… They were right – we had six matching balls. +10406,0,"George Washington may have never told a lie... But, Chuck Norris doesn't even know what a cherry tree is. " +10407,1,"Sitting in a refrigerator This guy comes home from work early and runs up several flights of stairs to surprise his wife. As soon as he gets inside he smells cigar smoke and immediately gets the notion that his wife was fooling around with another man. Convinced he is still in the appartment, he checks every possible hiding place and tears the apartment apart. Unsuccessful, he gets so angry he throws the refrigerator out the window killing an unsuspecting man walking below. Then the husband clutches his heart and dies on the kitchen floor from a heart attack, apparently from all of the stress and exertion. Immediately 3 men find themselves in heaven waiting to talk to St Peter. The first man was asked how he came to be there and he says ""the last thing I remember was walking down the street, looking up and seeing a refrigerator hurling at me"". St. Peter says ""you can enter heaven"". The next guy is asked how it was that he had ended up there. He says ""I got home early, smelled cigar smoke and figured my wife was cheating on me so when I couldn't find the man I got so angry I threw the refrigerator out the window. I must have had a heart attack so here I am"" St Peter says ""You didn't intend to kill this man, and you've been through a lot. I'm going to let you into heaven"". The third guy is asked how he got there and says, ""well there I was, sitt'n in this refrigerator, smoking a cigar, minding my own business......" +10408,0,Is your name medusa? Because every time I look at you I get rock hard! +10409,3,"How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church - Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah - Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store. " +10410,0,How do comedians store their jokes on a computer? In gigglebytes. +10411,0,Why did the blind man fall into a well? He did not see that well. +10412,0,"Johnny Depp was supposed to show up at court and give a written statement today, but he forgot about it and went on vacation instead. Worse yet, he never told his lawyers where he was going. He forgot to give them his Depp position." +10413,2,I watched a documentary on how they used to build skyscrapers It was riveting! +10414,6,Trump's parents are in trouble They made a racist joke. +10415,1,"What's the first reference to soccer in the bible? ""And then Jesus went up for the cross""" +10416,2,If anyone needs a boat I happen to Noah guy +10417,1,I like my coffee like I like my women. Ground up and in the freezer. +10418,1,"My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. ""Well,"" she said, ""I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"" I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. ""The beach has lost a stone,"" I said. ""Can you see a difference?""" +10419,0,Some people don't understand the difference between Islam and Christianity. One big difference is that Christianity has a fixed set of beliefs and Islam is more Allah-cart. +10420,0,"I only got one tattoo. It says “Eat at joes”... But when I get a little excited t says “Eat at Joes - Chattanooga Tennessee, happy hour lasts til 11!”" +10421,4,"100 bricks are on a plane and one fell off, how many bricks are left? 99 How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge? Open the fridge, take everything out, put the giraffe in and close the door How do you get an elephant in a fridge? Open the fridge, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door The lions hosted a party and all the animals came, except for which one? The elephant A man swims across a man-eating crocodile infested river and survives, how? The crocodiles are at the party Then he dies. How? The brick hit him" +10422,1,Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? All that was left was da Brie +10423,0,"Kids today... I was out at the pub quiz with my nieces and nephews the other night, and the final round was all about Matt Damon films. We got absolutely trounced. Kids today don't know their Bourne." +10424,0,"A Russian goes on a holiday and wants some fun by the sea. He goes to the instructor and says ""hey, can I get a jetskiy?""" +10425,1,The secret to a good marriage is having sex at least 3 times a week. And at least once with your wife! +10426,0,What's the newest fitness craze sweeping American police forces? Lead injections. +10427,1,"there are four categories of police officers **I read this earlier today, and wanted to share it with you beauties.** There are four general categories that a police officer can fit into, and they will have two of the traits: The lazy, the hard working, the stupid, and the intelligent. The stupid and lazy are better for the small jobs, like meter maids or what not. The lazy and intelligent are better for the higherup positions where they can find the most efficient solution to a problem. The intelligent and hardworking a generally the best for most tasks you want done. The stupid and hard working are a menace and must be eliminated." +10428,1,"HELP ME, PREMATURE EJACULATION MAN! I'm coming!" +10429,1,"Chicken or egg? One morning at breakfast I tried to engage my two daughters in a little metaphysical thinking. ""Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"" I asked. My six year old said, ""There had to be a chicken to lay an egg?"" I pushed her: ""But didn't there have to be an egg for the first chicken to hatch out of?"" As the six year old pondered I looked at my three year old who had a disgusted look on her face. ""What do you think?"" The three year old ended the discussion when she said: ""And God said let there be chickens!""" +10430,2,Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor. His lectures are ribbiting. +10431,0,What is Kevin Spacey's favorite Beatles song? Norwegian Wood +10432,1,People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me. +10433,4,"Four Engineering Professors get on a plane.. Four Engineering Professors get on a plane to go to a conference. Before take off the pilot goes up to each one of the Professors. Pilot to Professor 1: ""Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane."" Professor 1 quickly exits the plane. Pilot to Professor 2: ""Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane."" Professor 2 quickly exits the plane. Pilot to Professor 3: ""Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane."" Professor 3 quickly exits the plane. Pilot to Professor 4: ""Hey, just so you know, your engineering students built this plane."" Professor 4 stays seated. Professors 1-3 call Professor 4 to ask why he didn't exit the plane. Professor 4: ""If my students built this plane, this shit won't even start."" " +10434,0,What is it called when you give somebody camping tents for Christmas? Present tents. +10435,0,"Little johnny again In an effort to keep little johnny away from loose bitches, his parents told him that women had teeth between their legs and if johnny were to put anything there, whatever it was would be bitten off. This scared the shit out of johnny and he stayed well away, Until one night when a hot n horny young temptress asked if he would like to get funky. Johnny quickly replied...... ‘no fucking way, my mum told me about you bitches and as soon as i get near that thing yr gonna bite my cock off!!’ The girl was speechless after hearing johnnys story about what his parents had told him then said..... ‘well how bout this, you come back to my place, ill show you whats down there and if theres teeth, then you’re free to just go??’ Johnny thought for a while and couldnt see the harm so followed her home. Once home, the girl stripped naked, laid up on the bed, spread her legs and said..... ‘There ya go, told ya, no teeth!!’ Johnny bent down and peered well into the beaver before exclaiming........ ‘No wonder ya got no teeth, have a go at the state o those gums!!! ‘" +10436,0,What do you call a giant bug? A giAnt +10437,0,My Subway sandwich artist was so bad I’d consider my sandwich to be abstract. Eat fresh +10438,4,Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones? Beats me. +10439,1,"At the onset of Parkinson's disease, what's the first thing you should do? Glue your hand to your cock." +10440,1,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because he was a registered six offender. +10441,1,"I swapped our bed out for a trampoline... When my wife found out, she really hit the roof. " +10442,0,"NSFW A farmer walks into the courthouse holding a chicken. He approaches the judge and yells, “Your Honor, I need a divorce.” The judge laughs, “From this chicken?” “No, don’t be crude!” replied the farmer. “From my wife!” The judge continues to chuckle. “I was merely joking, sir. Now to business… why do you need a divorce?” “Because my wife caught me fucking this chicken.”" +10443,0,What do you call a computer that drops an Album and names it 21? A Dell +10444,3,"Rest Stop I was coming back from visiting my son in Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine” I said “thanks for asking.” “What are you doing?” Asked the same voice. To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.” Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smartass is answering all of my questions.” Edit-A word-thanks u/LegendaryFalcon" +10445,1,What did the band students do when their teacher died? They played F to pay respects. +10446,3,"A guy is driving around the backwoods He sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: **Talking Dog For Sale.** He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. ""I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. ""I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."" The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ""Ten dollars,"" the guy says. ""Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"" ""Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit.""" +10447,2,Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy: Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you. +10448,6,"I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push… He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him. " +10449,2,There is a serial killer currently on the loose He has been murdering people with knitting needles. Police think he is following some kind of pattern. +10450,2,"Two neighbors were chatting over the fence one Saturday afternoon. ""So how's it going, Mike?"" one neighbor asked. ""Tell you what,"" Mike said, ""I haven't been able to remember anything lately. Just comes in my head and leaves just as fast. But I went to the doctor, and he gave me something to improve my memory. It's a lot better now, actually."" ""What'd he give you?"" the neighbor asked. ""Wouldn't you know it, that's one thing I don't remember,"" he says, looking down and thinking. ""What's the name of that flower, it's red, it smells nice, it's got thorns?"" ""A rose,"" volunteered his neighbor. ""Rose! That's it!"" Mike announced triumphantly, and turns to his wife. ""Hey Rose! What's the name of that stuff the doctor gave me?""" +10451,0,"I had this friend with cerebral palsy in high school... ...he would always show off every chance he got. If we started playing a game, he'd always say he was the best. If someone met a celebrity, he's chime in that he met someone more famous. You know what though ? He could talk the talk, but he definitely couldn't walk the walk" +10452,3,"A guy walked into a bar... ...and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. “Wow,"" said the bartender. ""Something bad musta happened.” “I came home early today,"" answered the guy. ""I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. ""This one's on the house."" The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, ""Did you say anything to your wife?"" The guy answered, ""Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."" ""What about your best friend?"" asked the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'”" +10453,0,"A canadian goes to bearhunting... He asks his son to bring the rifle and the specially trained dog. As the boy never hunted bear he explains the process while they are on the way. ""When we see the bear I will shout ""run if you want to live"" you run away but hide in a nearby bush with the rifle. Meanwhile I climb a tree and the bear will follow me. When we are both on the top of the tree, I shake it, the bear falls down, and the dog will grab its dick, and paralyzed from the pain, the bear can be taken home easily. It's quite easy you see."" The boy has only one question: ""But then why do we need the rifle?"" ""Well, if the bear shakes the tree faster than me, and I start falling down, you shoot the dog at the very moment.""" +10454,3,Movies Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman. Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called? Friend 1: Finding Nemo +10455,2,My parents always told me if I masturbate I'll go blind. So I stopped aiming it at my eyes. +10456,0,I recently attended a wedding between 2 areials... The ceremony was great but the recpetion was terrible. +10457,2,I bought a sex robot that’s so realistic It won’t have sex with me either +10458,1,"A teenage guy and his teenage girlfriend had been dating for a while. She came over to his house after they went on a date one night. He shared a room and bunk bead with his seven year old little brother, who slept on the bottom bunk. He and his girlfriend were on the top bunk making out, and things got more and more heated between them. They both wanted to have sex, but were afraid becasue of his little brother who was right under them. The boyfriend then thought of a code. He told his grilfriend to yell ""lettuce"" if she wanted it harder and ""tomato"" if she wanted it softer. They were going at it for a while, when his girlfriend started yelling ""lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, LETTUCE!!"" When they were about to finish, they heard his little brother turn over. The seven year old then yelled ""Would you two stop making sandwiches up there?! I just got mayonaisse in my eye!""" +10459,1,"Best Donald Trump Jokes Donald Trump is so privileged that the first job he ever had to apply for was president of the United States."" –Stephen Colbert" +10460,6,"I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken. I said to her ""So are we going to find out, or what?""" +10461,1,I have an alien puzzle. It came in pieces +10462,2,Why do husbands typically die before their wives? They want to. +10463,0,Are you butter? Because you're on a roll! +10464,5,"A man is on his deathbed... A man is on his deathbed. As he lies sick on the bed, he calls his wife over to him. ""Sarah... Sarah. We have been married for 26 years... Isn't that right Sarah?"" ""Of course John. We have,"" Sarah replies. ""When I was hit by the truck when we first started dating,"" John says, ""You were there for me, were you not?"" ""I never left your side in the hospital, John."" Sarah replied. ""When our house burned down after we moved in together,"" John muttered, ""We worked together to build a new one, did we not?"" ""We did. We didn't rest for days."" Sarah comforted him. ""And now, on my deathbed, you are with me yet again..."" ""I am, John."" Sarah replied. ""I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.""" +10465,0,Breaking News: Uncovered Nazi documents reveal a cure for cancer was found An oven.. +10466,0,"I like my women like I like my coffee Grounded up, and in a jar." +10467,3,"God: ""I've created you in my image."" Oh Wait... ""The foreskin was a mistake. Cut that shit off immediately."" ~ Brian C Carroll" +10468,1,"I wouldn't shed a tear if you cancelled MS America, nor lose sleep if you cancelled MS Universe But please don't you dare cancel MS Paint :*(" +10469,1,"A British man, a French man, a Spanish man, and a German man are walking through the streets when they see a performer. The performer asks if the can all see him. They respond, ""Yes"" ""Oui"" ""Si"" ""Ja""" +10470,4,I don't like to go to funerals I'm just not a mourning person. +10471,0,I found why people still get clickbaited... Because of that. +10472,0,My wife was upset because our child was born with crossed eyes.. I told her not to focus on it. +10473,8,My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. ....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday. +10474,5,"F*ucking Cock A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed. At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too. Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head. Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this! The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land... Edit: the star on the title was meant for the Cock.." +10475,2,What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers +10476,1,"Two detectives are at a crime scene. They locate a briefcase that is vital evidence to the investigation. One of the detectives says to the other ""It's an open-and-shut case""." +10477,0,That most awkward moment....... Between Birth and Death +10478,0,You know how they say your smile is your strongest weapon? Tell that to my friend who stood still smiling when a thief asked him for all his money +10479,1,Today's Bible verse would be according to Psalm- -BODY once told me +10480,3,"A girl asks her dad if she can have a friend stay the night. The dad agrees and drives the gril to pick her friend up. Later, as the dad is getting ready for bed, he hears the girls playing Truth or Dare. Listening in, he hears the friend ask ""When was the last time you've had an orgasm?"". The girl replies ""Three days ago"". Furious, the dad bursts into the bedroom and yells ""I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING IT LAST NIGHT""" +10481,2,I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it? A Reptile Dysfunction +10482,3,How do you fix a pumpkin With a pumpkin patch... I'm so sorry. +10483,0,"What happened when one poop lied to the other? Poop 1 *talks about how smart he is* Poop 2 “I don’t know man, this seems like a load”" +10484,1,What Do You Call a Secret Organization That Cares about Your Well-Being? Illuminati Concerned. +10485,2,Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog. +10486,0,Why wasn't the Mexican able to go to archery with his cholo friends ? Because he didn't habanero to shoot with +10487,1,I posted a really good time travel joke next week. It blew up! Edit: thanks for the awards kind strangers :D +10488,0,Recent news that a Hollywood producer had sexually harassed many women brought him down. He will never produce or reproduce again. +10489,0,Olympic results are out finally Sailing results: GB have taken Gold. Denmark Silver. And Somalia has taken a middle aged couple sailing round the World. +10490,0,dog joke What do you call a cross between a pen and a dog abuser? A Michael Bic. Da Dum Crash +10491,2,"Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God... Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning servic**e**s. ""I thought we had agreed there was no God,"" h**e** said. ""Yes, what does that have to do with it?"" replied the oth**e**r." +10492,0,"There was this blind man right? He walked into a bar, then a table, then a chair." +10493,2,A gay man wakes up in bed with Dwayne Johnson... and realizes that he's hit Rock bottom. +10494,2,"Honey, we should really think about becoming parents. I mean, we've already had the kids." +10495,2,What’s the proper plural of beer? ​ ​ Sixpack. +10496,3,I don’t always have sex while I’m camping But when I do it’s fucking in tents! +10497,1,"Sports injuries An ice hockey player, a rodeo clown and a beautiful figure skater walk into a bar. After a couple of drinks they start to compare their injuries. “None of my teeth are my own, I once lost seven teeth during one game.”, started the hockey player. “Well, that’s nothing - during my career I have broken each and every one of my bones”, replied the rodeo clown. The figure skater rolls her eyes and says: ”I used to be a Red Sox infielder. Do yo have any idea what that ball can do to a man, if you forget to wear the jock strap.”" +10498,0,What did the corrupt cop with the computer science degree say to the black suspect? Cryptocurrency +10499,3,Rick Astley’s guide to password management * Never going to give you out * Never going to write you down * Never going to run around and reuse you +10500,6,"A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish. Man: I wish your name was ""Burger King"". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way." +10501,2,I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one... Heroin. +10502,0,"Blonde at the Post Office I was at the Post Office, when I see a blonde woman shouting into an envelope. I asked ""*what are you doing!?*"" The blonde replied ""*I'm sending a voice mail*""" +10503,0,I decided to become a pescatarian.. For the halibut. I'll show myself out. +10504,0,Why can’t you email photos to Jedi Because attachments are forbidden +10505,1,"It sucks that Louis CK got in trouble among these Hollywood personalities being accused. If anything, he just exasterbated the situation." +10506,6,"How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin? None, it's all tongue-and-groove." +10507,3,Hillary's so crooked... she needs a Kaine for support. +10508,2,What do you get when you cross a feminist with a non-feminist? Triggernometry +10509,0,Girl I think you really have a career as a makeup artist said the Abusive Father +10510,0,What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? Glue. +10511,0,How do you confuse a Redditor? Seven. +10512,0,My wife named my penis Donald Trump It has a weird haircut and is not qualified to run this country. +10513,3,I had a row with my boss at lunchtime Perks of working near a boating lake +10514,2,Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018? ​ ​ ​ A: Saudi Arabian consulate ​ +10515,2,There something I don't like about the tree in my font yard. Seems kinda shady! +10516,3,"A boy was jerking off and his sister caught him Instead of saying anything, she took off her clothes and started to have sex with her brother. After finishing the brother said, ""Wow, you're as good as mom"". The sister replied, ""Ya, dad told me that too"". " +10517,0,What do you call a bear with constant mood swings? A bipolar bear. +10518,2,"Jack and Jill Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth of cock because Jill’s real name is Randy." +10519,1,What would you call a green Pikachu? Pickle-chu +10520,5,"Rectum Stretcher While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the fuck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' " +10521,2,"Jesus and Mary Magdalene were having difficulties in the bedroom. After the 2nd try, Jesus said... ""Don't worry, it'll rise again""." +10522,2,"Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end, They'll die." +10523,1,"A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops. He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another decided to tie a bucket of water to the handle of the break room door so when the boy opened it, water would fall on top of him and make him drenched. However, he just walks off and has some lunch. After a few more weeks of pranks, the boy isn’t fazed by any of it, so at dinner the cops tell him they’re done pranking him. “Really? No more shoes in cement?” the boy exclaimed. “Nope.” “No more buckets of water on top of doors?” “Nope.” “Ah, good,” the boy said. “Then I won’t spit in your soup anymore.”" +10524,1,What did the mathematician say after the square thanked him for finding its area? Di-mention it. +10525,8,How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up. +10526,0,Why was the redneck on his Iphone at his sister's funeral...? He was changing his relationship status to single. Dahurpy durp Dahurpy Durp Da dUrpy durp. +10527,0,"I was 6 and saw a car crash, and asked my dad... Me: Dad, what's going on? Dad: Son, a car crashed. Me: Why? Dad: That was an accident. Me: What's an accident? Dad: You." +10528,0,I can't remember my memory ever being this good I think +10529,2,I used to dream about swimming in an ocean of orangade... But I realised it was just a dumb Fanta sea. +10530,1,I just saw a guy bite straight into a frozen apple! It was so hardcore! +10531,0,What does someone who kills female business owners and sells their organs get charged with? Inside her trading. +10532,0,You know you've landed with the wheels up when.... It takes full power to taxi. +10533,2,Women love premature ejaculators... they’re always begging for more +10534,2,A buddy and I were thinking of starting a band called 'Yard Sale'. Just think of all the free publicity posters! +10535,0,"Redneck What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? A good ol' boy raises livestock, a redneck gets emotionally involved." +10536,0,Conundrum for a black person. Watermelon flavored cotton candy. +10537,0,Jokes are like walnuts... Nothing is more satisfying than one well cracked. +10538,1,How many apples grow on a tree? All of them +10539,0,Facebook? Mark Zuckerberg. Myspace? Tom. LinkedIn? Abraham LinkedIn. +10540,0,I hate my new Haircut!! ... But it'll grow on me =D Do you get it? +10541,1,Why was the broom late to school.... Because he “overswept”. +10542,0,What do you call a deer that likes rain? A rain-deer. I know it's terrible. +10543,2,"A man calls the IRS office ""Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."" ""I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"" ""Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you.""" +10544,3,My dog loves to chase people on bikes. I finally had no choice but to take his bike away. +10545,0,"Father Francis of Birmingham observed that the church attendance were dropping lower but the nearby mosque was always full on Fridays So he called the imam for a cup of tea. After breaking the ice, Father finally asked the question. Imam: According to your religion,what will a christian get if he comes to Church every Sunday and prays to God Father: He would go to heaven Imam: What will he get in heaven? Father: He will forever be in the company of Father,Son,Holy Spirit, Virgin Mary... Imam interrupts : Thats the problem, ONLY ONE VIRGIN!!!! " +10546,0,I like my women the same way I like my guns... Black and oily with a sensitive trigger. +10547,4,"Help! Is there a Doctor on this flight? ""Uh. Shit. Not anymore...""" +10548,1,"My wife, its difficult to say what she does she sells seashells on the seashore." +10549,3,"Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning. ""See"", she said, ""Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."" ""I understand Mom"", replied Johnny, ""But what happens to the insects who rise early?""" +10550,0,"Guy talking to his girlfriend's dad.. Guy: I want to marry your daughter. Dad: How much do you earn? Guy: $2,500.. every month. Dad: Ha! I give my daughter pocket money of $2,000 a month! Guy: Yeah, that's what I earn counting that." +10551,2,I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless +10552,0,What is the best condiment to put on Rihanna? Mustard on that beat hoe!!! +10553,1,Zombies die as they lived They don’t +10554,3,My fiance told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out we had some drinks he's a nice guy. He's a web designer. +10555,0,Whats the difference between Harry Potter and Jew’s? Harry Potter made it out of the Chamber of Secrets +10556,3,My friend fell into the gelatto machine. Ice creamed in terror. +10557,2,How can you tell if your roommate's gay? If his dick tastes like shit. +10558,1,"Two astronauts are aboard the ISS. One astronaut loses focus while in the airlock, and floats back outward. The second astronaut lunges forward on a tether and grabs him before they can go too far, and goes back into the airlock. ""What the hell man?"" Shouted the second astronaut. ""You could have died!"" ""Sorry, I spaced out,"" replies the first. The second astronaut promptly pushed the first back into space." +10559,3,"I bought a bunch of antique spears online. But when I received them, they were all missing their spear heads. I got shafted." +10560,2,"Call your wife beautiful thousands of times and she will not remember, but her an elephant once and she will remember forever. You know why? Because an elephant never forgets..." +10561,7,My wife accused me of cheating I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend +10562,2,"A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon. He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day. The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders three whiskeys, drinks them, tips well, goes on with his day. Before he leaves the barkeep asks him, “I don’t mean to be rude, but why do you take 3 shots every Monday at 3?” “Oh, my two older brothers are real shits - but we don’t live near each other. So wherever we are, we all take a moment and drink to each other.” The same tradition continues for weeks, without fail. Then one day he comes in and orders two shots. The next week, only two. The week after that, only two. The bartender doesn’t want to overstep but says, “hey man, I’m sorry about whatever happened to your brother.” “What are you talking about? My brothers are fine, I quit drinking three weeks ago!”" +10563,1,"In Sweden paternity leave is a big thing. And it is very challenging, almost every father loses 23lb in the first few weeks. They have no idea where the baby is." +10564,2,How is a vampire similar to an abortion clinic? They both suck the life out of you +10565,3,Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana +10566,5,"A teenager got his driver's license... ...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car. The father said, ""If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."" One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, ""Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"" His son said, ""Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."" His father said, ""Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!""" +10567,2,"A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. ""Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"" The blonde turns around and says, ""Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!""" +10568,4,A hooker and a priest walk into a spaceship... It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back. +10569,0,"A truck gets stuck under a bridge The driver leaves the truck to see what can be done. A policeman walks by and says sardonically: 'Stuck, are we?' To which the driver replies: 'No jackass, I'm transporting a fucking a bridge!'" +10570,0,Why bring an extra tortilla? In case you Chipotle your pants +10571,0,"Bad Things to Tell Your Wife A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”" +10572,0,Why did Louis CK have to quit his job as a door handle salesman? He was getting his knob out even though there was a No Soliciting sign. +10573,0,"If Trump wins the election.... I hope he leaves us for a younger, more attractive Eastern European Country after a year or two. " +10574,2,I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me. +10575,1,[Religon] What's black and religous? The jews after hitler godammit how 2 spell religeone?!?!?!?!? +10576,5,"Complaining wife A wife complained to her husband: ""The kitchen faucet has been leaking for a week now and you still haven't fixed it!"" ""Do I look like a fucking plumber?"", the man answered. The next day the woman complained again: ""Some tiles fell down in the bathroom, aren't you going to fix them?"" ""Do I look like a fucking tiler?"", the man aswered. The next day the man came home from work and noticed that the kitchen faucet wasn't leaking and the tiles in the bathroom were fixed back in place. He asked his wife and she told him that John from next door came and took care of everything. ""Well, what did he want in return?"", the man asked. ""He wanted either pie or pussy"", the wife answered. ""What kind of pie did you bake him?"" ""Do I look like a fucking baker?""" +10577,1,What do you call your homie who lives abroad? Broverseas +10578,3,Why don't vegetarians moan during sex? Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure. +10579,2,Your friend might secretly be a member of ISIS if... You drop a horrendous fart and he claims ownership of it. +10580,3,"A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist walk into a bar. A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist walk into a bar. There they see the bartender's cat walking around. The sadist says, ""Let's torture the cat and kill it"". The necrophiliac replies, ""When you're done with it, let's all have sex with the cat"". The pyromaniac goes, ""Let's also burn it after we have had our fun with it"". The masochist who has been listening to their conversation all this time says, ""Meow""." +10581,1,Say what you want about pedophiles! At least they slow down in school zones. +10582,2,What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common? They're both allowed only one nut a day. +10583,2,What do you call a prisoner with leprosy? A leprechaun +10584,0,Why are we sure 911 is not an inside job? They would have aimed for the Trump tower instead of the WTC. +10585,6,"My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight! Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday." +10586,0,"I told my girlfriend that anal sex was a cure for haemorrhoids and now she is really angry with me. I just can’t tell if she’s mad because her ass is really sore now, or because I still keep complaining about my haemorrhoids.." +10587,0,Why are homosexuals single-celled aquatic autotrophs. It’s because they’re Al-gae +10588,3,My penis was on the Gunness book of world records... ... Until I got kicked out of the library. +10589,2,Rome wasn't built in a day... It just looks that way. +10590,1,Her: My lips are so dry. Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk? Her: WHAT? Him: What? +10591,3,Whom do the inches follow? Their ruler. +10592,2,"A prospector finds gold... A prospector is mining for gold in Alaska when he finally manages to find a large portion of gold nuggets. Overcome with happiness he decides to celebrate. He goes off into town and into an inn where he asks for the roughest, toughest, meanest prostitute they have. The bartender tells him to go room 4 and wait. The prospector then buys two bottles of beer and goes up to the room. The prostitute comes along. Prospector: So you're the roughest, toughest, meanest prostitute around? Prostitute: Yes I am. Now let's do this. She undresses and bends over and grabs her ankles. The prospector gets very confused. Prospector: Wait... How did you know that was the position I wanted to do it in? Prostitute: I didn't... I just thought you wanted to open those two beers first. " +10593,3,"Life's been a bit weird lately. A while back I showed up late to a dinner at my hot lesbian neighbours. They forgave me, and eventually we got chatting about my birthday. They asked me what I wanted for it. Answer was pretty obvious, I told them I wanted a watch. They giggled a bit, and eventually agreed. I think they were just teasing me though, its been a week since my birthday and I still can't tell the time. Seen two girls have sex though. " +10594,0,"What’s Captain Picard’s first instruction to his employees, in anticipation of the Friday evening crowds at a Mexican restaurant that he supervises? ***“Make queso, number one.”***" +10595,8,"There once was a man named Mr. Gay who went to the airport... Mr Gay approached the ticket counter and asked if there were any seats left for a flight to Miami. This would be a last minute flight as his schedule had suddenly freed up and he was now able to visit his elderly mother on her birthday. The lady at the counter smiled as she searched, but she had some bad news. There was one seat left on the only flight to Miami, but it was a low priority seat and he might be bumped if anyone else bought a ticket. Figuring that this was better than nothing, Mr. Gay purchased the ticket and went to the gate. A couple of hours later, Mr. Gay boarded the plane. What luck! He had not been bumped from the flight and it looked like he was going to make it to Miami for his mother's birthday. He was seated on an aisle seat when he noticed that a gentleman in the row in front of him, sitting by the window, was sweating profusely and fidgeting in his seat. ""Are you alright, sir?"" Mr. Gay asked. The nervous man replied, ""I have a terrible fear of flying, and I usually request an aisle seat, but because this airplane is so full, they sat me at the window and now I'm scared out of my wits."" ""We can't have that,"" Mr. Gay said with a smile, ""I will gladly switch seats with you so that you can have a more comfortable flight."" With a relieved sigh, the nervous man thanked him and switched seats with him. A few more minutes went by as they waited for the plane to leave the terminal. The captain came on the PA system: ""Ladies and gentlemen, our apologies, but it seems that we have oversold this flight and our flight attendants will now be asking certain passengers to deplane at this time."" Mr. Gay sank in his seat. He knew that they would be coming for him. Sure enough, the flight attendant came down the aisle, but walked right past him. Mr. Gay had the sudden realization, that they were heading for his prior seat. The flight attendant tapped the shoulder of the man that Mr. Gay had traded seats with. ""Sir,"" the flight attendant asked, ""Are you Gay?"" The man in the seat seemed surprised, but then sheepishly nodded his head and said, ""Uh... yes, I-I am, but..."" ""I'm afraid you have to get off the plane, sir."" Mr. Gay stood up. ""Wait!"" He said, ""You don't understand! I'M Gay!"" A very feminine man a couple of rows over stood up and slung his head back. ""Honey, I'm gay too and they can't throw us all off this bitch!""" +10596,2,Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say! +10597,2,Whats the difference between a bullet and a human? Humans miss JFK +10598,1,What do you call a mind controlling failure of a phone?? A tele-pathetic +10599,0,Philosophers must have sex often They're always deep in thot +10600,0,What has 100 teeth and protects a beast. A zipper +10601,1,What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say? Ewe haul. +10602,1,"A man went to the doctor... He sheepishly approached the doctor's desk and remained standing up. Feeling shameful, he couldn't blurt out what was wrong with him. The doctor finally said, ""Listen, I've been in this profession for 25 years. I've seen a lot of stuff and I doubt your condition is going to surprise me."" The man finally gathered enough courage and decided to show the doctor what was wrong. He dropped his pants, turned around, and showed his asshole to the doctor. It was so bloody it's as if someone attacked it repeatedly. ""JESUS H. CHRIST! What the hell happened to your asshole?"" the doctor cried. ""I was raped by an elephant in the safari zoo."" the man replied. The doctor said, ""I have little veterinary knowledge but what I do know is this: elephants have long and thin penises."" ""I know that doc."" said the man as if about to burst in to tears, ""He fingered me first.""" +10603,0,“Hey bro can I see your worm collection?” “Yeah bro” *shaves mustache” +10604,1,"Greatest Insult To Hicks / West Virginians You're so imbred your family tree looks like a Ferris Wheel! Thought about this watching the Fallout 76 trailer, and then realizing that radiation isn't even needed to create mutants there." +10605,0,"A woman is skeptical of the fact that her son is the son of her Jewish husband. The woman asks him to provide proof. ""No problem!"" the man replies. ""Hey Jimmy, can I have $100?"" The boy runs away in terror at the offer. ""He's mine"". ""Oh no no, I believe you now.""" +10606,6,"The graduate with a science degree asks, ""Why does it work?"" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, ""How does it work?"" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, ""How much will it cost?"" The graduate with an arts degree asks, ""Do you want fries with that?""" +10607,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? He was heading to the chicken-strip club to check out some breasts. +10608,0,"As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, ""I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."" The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. ""Do you have a dentist appointment, too?""" +10609,5,"I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset" +10610,0,"Why does it take so long for a pirate to learn the alphabet? He's been stuck at ""C"" for years..." +10611,1,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby The bus driver says: ""that's the ugliest baby i've ever seen! Ugh!"" The woman sits on the back of the bus, clearly furious. She comments to the man next to her: ""the bus driver has just insulted me!"" The man replies: ""you go up right there and tell him off! Go ahead, i'll hold your monkey for you.""" +10612,0,"When Donald has a stuffy nose, what does he do? He blows it out of his...where-ever." +10613,4,"They say red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they start flashing behind you." +10614,3,"My friend died... ...when we couldn't remember his blood type. He tried to calm us down by saying ""be positive"" but it's not like that helped." +10615,2,Hitler could have taken over the world... If he would have just stoped Stalin +10616,3,"I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless! It only chills on Sundays!" +10617,0,"Sorry, but I'm going to mention something heavy... An elephant." +10618,3,What do you call a bunch of squids? A squad... +10619,1,Sweet Wife: Do you love me.... Sweet Wife: Do you love me just because my father left a lot of money for me? Naughty Husband: Not-at-all honey. I would love you no matter who left money for you. +10620,3,"A boy walks in on his dad.. masturbating. His dad continues to vigorously masturbate while his son stands in shock. The boy asks ""Dad, what are you doing?"" His dad reponds ""I'm masturbating, son. Pay attention to my form. It'll come in handy, cause you'll be doing it soon enough."" The boy asks ""You think so?"" And his dad says ""Absolutely, because my arm is starting to get tired...""" +10621,2,I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke... –but you didn't like it. +10622,0,My girlfriends threatened to jump off a bridge unless I paint the back bedroom It’s emulsional blackmail! +10623,0,"any love for Trump reversal jokes? In Obama's America, you serve the president, in Trump's America the president serves you. " +10624,2,Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like? It depends on which mall you're at. +10625,1,What PC does Adele use? A Dell. +10626,6,Have you ever tried blind folded archery? You don't know what you're missing. +10627,4,"Yo momma so ugly... ...when she gives someone head, it qualifies as anal." +10628,0,"A man is lost at sea This is a religious joke. Sorry if this is bad. A man is lost at sea. Suddenly, a giant wave crashes down upon him, and everything goes dark. When he wakes up, he realizes he’s in Heaven. It looks like a waiting room. An angel walks up to him and says “God will see you now.” He walks through a door into what looks like an office. He sees God sitting behind a desk, with a chair in front of it. “Have a seat.”, God says. The man sits down. “It wasn’t your time.”, God says. “So ‘wave’ goodbye and I’ll ‘sea’ you later!”" +10629,9,If men call short women petite. What do women call short men? Friends. +10630,1,Met the guy who invented the windowsill... What a ledge. +10631,1,"What's the best part about duck tape? It makes ""No, no, no!"", sound like "" Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!""" +10632,6,"If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A - Do recycle ♻" +10633,4,"My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia. " +10634,0,What's a Viking leaders pleasure? Leif Blower +10635,0,"Why wouldn’t the Iowa national guardsman get counselling? Because last time he was lent an ear, he had colonels in his shit. " +10636,4,"A joke from my scout troop a while back. Jim had always wanted to run a train. It was his dream since he was a child. His mind was set and no other career moved him the way a train had. He did well in school, and when he was accepted to the local Railway school, he was stoked. 4 years later, he had his first job of running the train, and he could not contain his excitement. He went all along the tracks, left and right, forward and back, until he hit something on the rail and the train flew off the tracks, causing a disaster. Jim was sentenced to death, executed by an electric chair. When asked for a last meal, Jim simply replied: ""I will have one banana."" After finishing his banana, he was sent to the chair. However, it didn't work. The electric chair had no effect. Jim was set free by the police force, and got a job at another train station. He sped along the tracks, he simply could not contain his excitement! However, he was careless and crashed into another train. Jim, imprisoned again, was sentenced to death, by the electric chair. ""What would you like for your final meal?"" the chief of police asked. Jim simply replied ""I would like two bananas."" He finished his bananas and was again strapped to the electric chair, only to have it fail again. Jim was set free again. Another train station had a job opening and Jim applied again. He went all over the tracks, left and right, until he ran over a man. Sent to death again, Jim had one request for his final meal. ""I will have three bananas."" After consuming his bananas, he was sent to the electric chair. He survived the biggest shock of his life. ""I don't get it,"" the chief of police said. ""This electric chair is our best piece of machinery, yet you've survived three times. How do you do it? Is it the bananas you keep eating?"" ""Oh, it's nothing,"" said Jim. ""I'm just a bad conductor.""" +10637,1,"Birds and brothels A boy just turned 18, still a virgin. He had no cash, and a thirst to slap cheeks. He went to his local brothel, with the idea of using his old pet duck to pay for services. When the lady found he was a Virgin and it was his birthday, she took the duck as payment. Turns out, he was a natural when it came to sex, and she loved it. She said she’d give the duck back if he did it once more. The man walked out of the brothel with his duck at his side and walked home, when an 18 wheeler slammed his duck into roadkill. The driver felt so bad that he gave the boy $10 for his troubles. When he got home, his dad was pissed, asking where he was all night. The boy responded: “I got to fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 10 bucks for the fucked up duck from a truck”" +10638,2,I've always liked chestnuts. But I'd rather cum on her arse. +10639,2,"A man walks into Specsavers and says to the salesman: 'Can you recommend a pair of glasses that reflect my persona and are stylish?' The salesman looks at him and hands him a pair of glasses 'These will probably suit you.' The man takes the glasses and is about to try them on, pauses and says, 'They do look really good. How much?' '2500 € to you.' 'What? Are you serious?!' 'Just try them on, Sir.' So he does. Suddenly, the salesman is naked. He is amazed. He takes them off an the salesman is fully clothed again. He puts them back on and the saleswoman further down is naked. He takes them off and she is clothed again. 'Holy shit, these things are amazing. Worth 2500 € of any ones money!' and buys them. He can't believe it, he takes the bus home, and everyone on the bus is naked - some are nice views and some not so nice. But great fun. He gets home, opens the door and walks into the living room, where he sees his wife and best friend sitting totally naked on the couch. He has a laugh and takes the glasses off. They are both still naked. 'Fucking typical!' he exclaims, 'Expensive to all hell, half an hour later they've stopped working!'" +10640,1,That guy's like one finger ... ... can't count on him. +10641,0,"I was in my car driving back from work... A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ''One minute I'm on the phone.''" +10642,1,"What did Tommy Wiseau say when he visited Facebook HQ? Oh, hi Mark." +10643,9,"A man in an unhappy marriage has an attractive secretary One day, the sexual tension between him and his secretary gets to be too much to bear, and in the middle of the work day they rush out in secret, grab a hotel, and fuck all afternoon. The sex was so good that both of them pass out. When the man wakes up, he realizes it's 7:00 pm, and he's late for dinner. Realizing that his wife is going to be very angry at him and demand to know where he's been, he decides to take his shoes and run them through the grass outside as much as he can. After his shoes get good and scuffed with grass, he drives home. His wife, predictably, is there waiting for him, and madder than the fire of a thousand suns. His food is on the table, already cold. She is holding a frying pan, and demands to know where he was. ""Honey,"" he said. ""I'm not going to lie to you. I was having sex with my secretary all afternoon in a hotel. That is the unvarnished truth."" Suspicious, his wife looks him up and down. Then she notices the grass stains on his shoes. ""You lying sack of shit,"" she says. ""You've been off playing golf, haven't you!""" +10644,0,"Original Joke: guy take off from work So their is this guy named Dick who works at a zoo and he manages it. The profits at the zoo were immense while he worked. He managed to keep the lions and panda bears entertaining to the people. Since he joined profits sky rocketed and the owner of the zoo couldnt be happier and told him ""you can have off as much as you want, take a break whenever you want just have a valid reason"" ok so Dick kept working and reeling in money. He took a week off one time, the owner asked everyone ""where is Dick?"" The boss was then told ""he is out with the flu should be back next week. A year goes by and the owner sees his profits going down then up during the month of october. ""what happened with the profits this month!?"" He was told ""Dicks parents died so he took off a month"" The owner cooled off and kept going on about his day. A couple of years go by and the profits pummeled. The owner starts freaking out. ""Why are we losing money? Where is Dick i havent seen him in MONTHS"" a coworker replied ""Dicks out for Harambe""" +10645,2,Why are funerals never held at night? Because they're always in mourning. +10646,2,"What screams ""I have a question that has been asked and answered ten thousand times?"" Someone from r/AskReddit" +10647,2,Asked the Priest for forgiveness because I ate a dog today Asked the Priest for forgiveness because I ate a dog today. He said I would suffer eternal dalmatian. +10648,4,"A Mexican magician said he was going to do a magic trick. ""Uno, dos..."" *poof* he disappeared without a tres." +10649,3,"A couple is walking in st. Peter'sburg Square on Christmas eve They feel slight precipitation. ""I think it's raining"" says the man. ""No its snowing"" replies the woman. ""How about we ask this communist officer here? He is always right!"" exclaims the man. ""officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"" ""Definitely raining"" officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. ""See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.""" +10650,3,"My grandfather once said that we're starting to rely way too much on technology; that it's important we remind ourselves to live without it. I honestly had to agree with him. So, I unplugged his life support." +10651,2,Why didn't the two fruits get married? Because they cantaloupe. +10652,1,"Husband and wife in the car , the husband was driving , the wife exclaimed loud : I'm so mad at you , I won't talk to you ever again . The husband replied : Promise ? " +10653,2,What do you call a sophisticated American? Canadian +10654,0,"Is your cow a smoker? ""No, why?"" ""Then it seems that your barn might be on fire...""" +10655,0,"My History teacher came up with this Back in the day, we didn't have very tasty soup. Because of this, we put the elbow of the youngest son in the soup. We did this every time, 30 minutes long. The soup would taste a bit more like meat. One day, it tasted like sugar. That's how we discovered he had diabetes." +10656,3,"Two whales walk in a bar First one goes: ooooOOOOOUUUuuaaaAAAAAEEEUUUUUUuuuoooooOOOOOOO. OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAoooooooOOO Second one goes: Steve, what the fuck was that? " +10657,4,"A secretary, a salesman, and their boss... A secretary, a sales rep, and their boss are walking to lunch when  they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in  a puff of smoke. The Genie says, ""I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish.""   The secretary says, ""I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.""  Poof! She's gone. The sales rep says, ""I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. "" Poof! He's gone. ""OK,  you're up,"" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ""I want those two back in the office after lunch."" Moral of the story: let your boss speak first." +10658,1,Favorite color me: How are you her: I'm fine me: So what's your favorite colour? her: Ohh please stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and matured. me: How many moles of Sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralise 0.8 ml of Sulphuric Acid at STP... her: My favorite color is Pink +10659,2,What did the Theta sign say to the number 8? Why's your belt so tight? +10660,0,A man walks into a bar He is then taken to the hospital for a head injury +10661,10,"In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently It means a lot to them" +10662,0,What is black and white and red all over? An angry Shaun King. +10663,0,My phone doubled charge in a minute! Now it's at 8%!! +10664,0,I used to play the Didgeridoo But now I Didgeridont +10665,5,Girls are like blackjack I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 16. +10666,7,"Remember, because of synonyms, ""Forgive me Father, for I have sinned""... ...and ""Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty"" are the same sentence." +10667,2,Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls. +10668,0,My phone just had sex with another phone. Should I get my phone tested? It may be LTE positive. +10669,0,"When you play poker with a cowboy, it's gonna get serious. You can bet your boots. " +10670,1,Weekends must be made in China... They don't last very long. +10671,4,What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race. +10672,5,You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys. +10673,0,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, but a comma gives pause at the end of a clause." +10674,0,"Helen Keller once heard LSD makes you see things.... ""She figured she had to give it a go.""" +10675,1,Dreams Last night I had a dream I was swimming in orange soda. Sadly it was a fanta-sea. +10676,1,What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas? Half of everything. +10677,1,What do you call a rabbit with no legs? The loudest Fleshlight I ever used. +10678,0,Who did the philosophy major ask out for the Halloween dance? Nobody. He was too 'Freud. +10679,1,You know what they say about corn? You only borrow it... +10680,3,My favorite joke of all time: What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? They circle Uranus looking for Klingons. +10681,1,"A traveler arrives in a remote village He receives a warm welcome. The villagers gather around him, asking him to tell them about his adventures. ""Well.. what do you want to know?"" he asked. After a brief pause, they answered: ""Tell us what animals did you see?"" ""What animals do you know?"" He asked them. After some thought, the villagers answered: ""We know donkey"" They started pointing at a donkey carelessly standing in the village yard. ""Yes, donkey.. we know donkey"". They answered in unison. The traveler stared at the donkey, trying to remember any interesting encounters. ""Well, I've been to Africa and I saw a zebra"" ""What is that? What's a zebra?"" ""How should I explain this?"" He thought whilst looking around, until his eyes fixed on the donkey. ""You know donkey, right?"" ""Yes, yes. We know donkey!"" They said, Smiling and nodding. ""Imagine: donkey... white, with black stripes. That's a zebra"". ""Wow.. what else did you see?"" They asked, mesmerized by the new information. ""I've been to Australia and I've seen kangaroo"" ""What's kangaroo?"" They asked, eyes and mouths wide open. Again he thought of the best explanation. Again the donkey caught his eyes. This time, the donkey looked back at him and they stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. ""You know donkey, right?"" ""Yes, yes. We know donkey!"" ""Imagine: donkey… standing on two feet, hopping around"" ""Amazing. Tell us more!"" the villagers were in complete astonishment such animals exist. ""Also, I've been to Brazil and I saw a python"" ""What's a python?"" A moment of silence. He looks at the donkey. Thinks for a brief moment… ""You know donkey, right?"" ""Yes, yes. We know donkey!"" ""Imagine: donkey… gone! cock remains.""" +10682,2,What cheese do you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone +10683,2,Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day. Something must have happened to Google clouds. +10684,0,"After his motorcycle accident where he lost his left leg and half his right foot, Dylan sulked slowly around school in all black outfits. We call him the three-toed Goth." +10685,0,The Israeli Prime Minister I wanted to know the name of the Israeli Prime Minister. I had to use Google as it was not in yahoo. +10686,1,My wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension She said she just can’t take it any longer. +10687,0,"“Put your coat on”, I said to my wife, “I’m going to the pub.” “Ah, I can come along then?”, she asked. “No, I’m turning the heating off.”" +10688,1,[NSFW] What did his father say when Elton came out as gay? Don't let my son go down on me +10689,0,"A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree when suddenly it shouted ""Wait! I'm a talking tree!"" The lumberjack smiled and said ""And you will dialouge"" " +10690,1,"Any time I see smiling psychics on TV, I have this uncontrollable urge to slap them in the face. I guess I’m always willing to strike a happy medium." +10691,1,"Meanwhile in a library A blonde enters the library and asks the librarian: ""2 cheeseburgers, fries and a diet cola, please! ' The librarian answers : ""excuse me lady, but this is a library"". The blonde asks the librarian to come a bit closer and whispers quietly: ""2 cheeseburgers, fries and a diet cola, please..."" " +10692,3,What's the difference between a gay person and a Republican? The Republican gets butthurt when OTHER people receive sodomy +10693,0,How do I know that you are an introvert just by looking at your face? Well I really don't but I certainly know whether you are liluzivert or not. +10694,1,What do lawyers and sperm have in common ? One in 50 million has a chance at becoming a human being. +10695,0,"How do you solve terrorism? Have them book a United Airlines flight, they will do the rest." +10696,2,If you walk in to a room and find a man having a stroke... ...you probably should have knocked. +10697,0,How did Stephen Hawking die? he lost wifi connection +10698,2,Why do surgeons get so rich? They always make their cut. +10699,2,"A farmer came up to me today and said, ""I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up for me?"" I said, ""Sure, 70.""" +10700,0,"I'm getting to an age when I wish that my password is incorrect... Then when I forget my password and the error message comes up ""Your password is Incorrect"" I would be like YES!" +10701,0,"Democratic debate is in Flint, Michigan ""Would you like some water Secretary??"""" ""No, not at all!""" +10702,3,"Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth inside." +10703,0,I wanted to propose my friend in physics way but... Me: you attract me like gravity Her: then move with escape Velocity to stop that attraction +10704,0,"Garrett comes home from the football game with two black eyes. His mom says, how did you get the black eyes? Garrett says, I ripped Rudolph's helmet off and he punched me in the eye. His mom says, well how'd you get the other black eye? Garrett says, I tried to put his helmet back on." +10705,1,What do you call a miniature pig with narcolepsy? A sleepy little hamlet. +10706,10,Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling. +10707,1,"[LPT] When you're being chased by the cops, make a clean getaway by Driving through a car wash." +10708,3,What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear +10709,0,I was going to write a joke... but I'm not that funny. +10710,0,What makes you really cool? Getting locked inside a walk-in freezer +10711,2,Wanna hear a dark joke? So this morning I couldn't find the light switch... +10712,1,What's the statisticians favorite sauce? Tztatisiki +10713,0,"Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids? The made eyelids from his foreskin. They did a good job, he's just a little cockeyed" +10714,1,I recently came into some money Which is why I lost my job at the bank. +10715,1,Why did a scientist install a door knocker? coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!!! +10716,5,"As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood." +10717,1,What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack. +10718,1,I hate when people ask me how I see myself in a year I don't have 2020 vision +10719,1,What did Cinderella do when she got to the Ball? She gagged. +10720,0,"So I'm watching football on Sunday afternoon... And my old lady decides right then that she needs to start vacuuming the living room in the buff to try to get my attention. ""Honey, come on, I'm watching the game. You're gonna make me miss the field goal."" ""You never pay attention to me any more. If my pussy was a football I bet you'd pay attention to it then."" ""You're right Sweety"" I said. Then I kicked her in the pussy. ( I wrote this in response to Dave Chapelle's joke on his new Netflix special Equinamity.)" +10721,1,My gardener is completely incompetent He keeps soiling himself +10722,0,"What did God say when he made the first black man? ""Damn, I burnt one."" " +10723,3,Why did Logan Paul not High Five Ricegum? Because he likes to leave Asians hanging +10724,0,What do you call a fairy with a tail? A fairy tale. +10725,3,"A man walks into a butchers's shop and says to the butcher ""Oi mate! Are you a gambling man? The butcher says ""Yes, I'm a gambling man"". So the guy says ""Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"" So the butcher looks up. He looks down, and back at the man. ""I'm sorry"" says the butcher, ""I can't take that bet"". ""Why not?"" says the man, ""I thought you were a gambling man?"" ""I am"" says the butcher, ""but the steaks are too high""." +10726,0,I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to post this I guess I dropped the ball on that +10727,4,"You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say""That's a girl's name!"" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry." +10728,3,"I was turned into butter once. It's dairy important to me, it was a churning point in my life and I think I'm a butter man now" +10729,1,A reverse mortgage sounds like a really fiscally responsible sex position +10730,3,"I once visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips... I asked him, ""Are you the friar?"" He said, ""No, I'm the chip monk..""" +10731,1,"What do you say to your ""friend"" that stole your copy of Yogorilla to the Rescue? Yogo fuckyourself " +10732,0,What to say to someone who got there dick cut off A dick is like life... You don't have one. +10733,1,Why did Peter Pan fall out of the sky? It was too Wendy... +10734,4,"My son was thrown out of school today.... for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said ""son, that's three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you""" +10735,0,"A dragon walks into a bar... ... and he waddles up to a woman sitting at the bar and eats her in one swift chomp. Shocked, the bartender says to the dragon, ""You need to leave."" The dragon, perplexed, replies, ""Why? What did I do?"" The bartender then says, ""Sir, you can't come in here, we don't like your kind in here."" Now completely frazzled, the dragon says, ""My kind? What do you mean my kind?"" The bartender scoffs and says, ""Well, sir, it's quite obvious that you have been using drugs. I need you to leave."" The dragon, whom at this point is utterly confused, says, ""But I haven't been using any drugs, yo."" The bartender looks at the dragon with a funny expression, and after a moment he replies, ""But what about that bar-bitch-u-ate?""" +10736,0,Humpty Dumpty Was pushed. +10737,3,What do you call a sniper that supports communism? A Marxman +10738,0,"I like my women like I like my toast Hot, and consumable with butter " +10739,0,What's the difference between a fridge and a gay guy? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out of it. +10740,0,"My son asked me if I ordered anything on prime day. I said ""ribs""" +10741,2,"A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room. After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing. She said, ""I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."" He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, ""Why are you wearing two coats? She replied, ""I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'""" +10742,2,Q: What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer? A: Ash +10743,0,What do you call the pediatric dialysis section? Kidneygarden +10744,2,What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks. +10745,0,Have you heard of the Chinese Military's new strategy? They're sending kids into battle and winning! Who knew that youth in Asia could be so lethal! +10746,1,"I was pumping gas and, a lady caught her arm on fire, police came and arrested her. For possesion of a fire arm" +10747,0,"I said to my mate,""I saw a man get thrown under a bus today."" ""Oh my god"",he replied. ""Was it moving?"" ""Well,a few onlookers were crying,but I was fine.""" +10748,2,Why do fish hate reading news on the internet? Click-bait. +10749,5,Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it's race-related. +10750,0,What did one drumset say to the other drumset? Drumroll please? +10751,1,I like to dress up in the clothes of unwashed nuns. I guess I've got a dirty habit. +10752,2,"A pothead goes to the beach. It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day. He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He figures that these birds were very high-strung and needed to chill out a bit. He grabs some snacks from a nearby convenience store, and starts laying them out, staying close by. At the same time, he lights up some of his strongest weed, spreading the smoke around the area. The birds naturally approach to grab some snacks, and it doesn't take much of the smoke for them to become very relaxed. Happy with his success, he moves to a different location on the beach and does the same thing. He continues for the entire length of the beach. In fact... ...he left no tern un-stoned. " +10753,1,I fell in love with my captor while being tortured in the US. She was my Guantanamo Bae. +10754,3,"Political Science for Dummies DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. " +10755,1,"Little Billy is sitting on the curb.... Little Billy is sitting on the curb taking and thumb and squashing ants. Every ant he kills he says “fucking ants, fucking ants, fucking ants. A priest is walking by and see what Billy is doing. Young man, says the priest all life is precious and has a purpose. If you can give me 3 things in life without purpose I will continue on my way and leave you alone. Little Billy looks right at the priest and says, balls on a priest, tits on a nun, and these FUCKING ANTS!!!!" +10756,2,"Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket….. If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG. If people run over to help, you are OLD." +10757,2,What do you call a mild disappointment? This joke. +10758,7,Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person. Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients. It's a very powerful whore-moan. +10759,0,Why do girls always walk in odd numbers? Cause they can’t even! +10760,5,"I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight. Same shit, different day." +10761,1,What's r/jokes's favorite breakfast? A retoast with butter on top. +10762,3,Overheard on two guys unloading a truck the other day Guy 1: What's the difference between mortar mix and cement mix? Guy 2: I dunno what? Guy 1: I wasnt telling a fucking joke I want to know the difference! +10763,0,"Obesity Tom went to the doctor a few days ago to check up on his health As it would turn out, Tom is morbidly obese, and his doctor was perplexed to how this came to be. Tom said: ""It must run in the family."" The doctor replied, ""No one runs in your family"" >.> tl:dr Bad joke (EDIT: Pronoun change)" +10764,7,What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. +10765,3,"A man was invited to a wedding... When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them... 1. Bride relatives 2. Groom relatives He entered the groom door and found two doors again. 1. Ladies 2. Men He entered men door and found two doors again. 1. People with gifts 2. People without gifts He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel." +10766,0,"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock." +10767,0,Saw a gay magician runaway the other day... He disappeared with a big poof. +10768,1,a joke a doctor i knew once said 30% of his job is pulling wierd things out of people's butts. We don't talk much anymore but i see him all the time. ​ this is not my joke. +10769,3,"What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce? ""Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!""" +10770,0,What did Kendrick Lamar say when he found out he won his Pulitzer? Damn. +10771,0,"Morning sex might make your whole day.. But anal sex will make your hole weak! (Source: port a potty, Albuquerque, NM)" +10772,1,Last night I had an orgy on a camping trip. It was fucking in tents! +10773,0,Did you hear about the black kid who had diarrhea? He thought he was melting. +10774,4,How many 16 year-olds does it take to change a lightbulb? Whatever +10775,0,"How many ears did Spock have? Three. His left ear, right ear and final frontier." +10776,5,What did the necrophiliac say to the opossum? You're such a tease. +10777,2,What kind of bagel flies? A plain bagel! +10778,2,I'm off to have my legs removed. I won't be long. +10779,5,"I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween, They must dislike random people coming up to their doors." +10780,0,Those fires in Tennessee are lit Literally +10781,1,[NSFW]What’s the difference between jam and jelly? The method of production. +10782,1,"Lawyer son of lawyer father says ""father, i finally finished the case you worked on for 60 years!"" father: ""WTF did you do!? that case fed our family!""" +10783,1,"Two aliens sit in a bar... One alien tells the other ""toodleoop-poodledoop-teedledoop?"". Other alien says ""Go home, you're drunk""." +10784,0,"I saw a unique car, and the ""smart key"" would let you browse the Internet. It was a key feature of the car." +10785,0,I have a structured settlement but I need cash now. What should I do? +10786,3,A physicist and a biologist started dating. They realized there was no chemistry :( +10787,1,"Went to a poetry event for people who are tired of reading ""The Raven."" It was an Ex-Poe Expo." +10788,3,What's the best drug to have sex on? A: Birth control +10789,0,Amazon has a new product for r/gonewild The ring stick up cam. +10790,2,What do you call a train that is imaginary? A train of thought +10791,3,What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks +10792,2,"The ultimate gift Three sons left home and everyone went their own way ... When they returned home together, they boasted about the gifts they gave to their aging mother. The first said: ""I built a big luxury house for my mother."" The second said: ""I sent my mom the latest Mercedes with the driver."" The third smiled: ""I hit you, lads. You remember how Mom liked to read the Bible? And you also know that she doesn't see very well now. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the Old and New Testaments in Bible. It took 12 years for monks in Tibet until they taught him. It's one of a kind. Just tell him number of chapter and verses and the parrot recites it."" Soon afterwards, mother sent letters of thanks to her sons: Milton - she wrote to her first son - the house you built is too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Gerald - she wrote to her other son - I'm too old for travelling. I spend most of my time at home, so I rarely use Mercedes, moreover, the driver is so rude! Dearest Donald - she wrote to her third son - you know exactly what brings your mother the greatest joy. The chicken was excellent !!!" +10793,1,What does a pot smoker and a cannibal have in common today? They can't stop eating the body of Christ. +10794,0,"I started a support group for people with Parkinsons. Everyone there seemed to get on well, lots of shaking hands. " +10795,0,"I tried on a parachute at an extreme sports retailer the other day, and asked my girlfriend how I looked. ""It suits you down to the ground"", she said." +10796,0,"5 Jewish ladies sitting at the table in the restaurant... ...waiter comes by few minutes after the food was delivered to the table and asks: -Ladies, is ANYTHING ok?" +10797,2,I ran into your mom in Baltimore and she gave me a present... Real Maryland Crabs +10798,0,What's Trump's favorite nut? A wallnut +10799,0,"Heard thisbone from a musician at our wedding: I've got a really bad waltz addiction But it's ok, I've entered into a 3-step program" +10800,3,"Cop: Sir, you’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?" +10801,5,if jesus died for our sin... Who died for our cos and tan? +10802,1,"*Knock Knock* ""Who's there?"" HOLD THE DOOR!! HOLD THE DOOR!!! HOL THE DOOR! HOL DA DOR! HO DA DOR! :'(" +10803,1,What's the difference between a garbanzo beans and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay for a garbanzo to bean on me. +10804,5,What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common? They both end with a check mate +10805,0,"I'm pregnant Girl: ""I'm pregnant"" Manager: ""Use corporate credit card. You can reimburse abortion bills.""" +10806,2,Burnt Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza........ Should have put it on Aloha temperature. +10807,2,"I got a job at the strip club. ""I help the girls get dressed and undressed."" ""Great gig. How much?"" ""Twenty dollars a day."" ""That's not very much."" ""It's all I can afford.""" +10808,5,Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired? She didn't have control of her pupils +10809,1,"Mom when I was on the bus Son:- Mom when I was on the bus with dad this morning he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom:- Well, you have done the right thing. Son:- But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap " +10810,3,"A tennis ball walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""We don't serve tennis balls here."" The ball throws a fit, calls over his friend, and the two make a scene expecting the bartender to give in. Instead, the bartender yells at the friend, ""You get out too! I don't want a racket in here.""" +10811,1,I opened the dictionary To check the meaning of Practical joke. It said *see fooling* I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*. +10812,0,Who's the only mobster in Middle Earth? James Gandalf-ini. +10813,1,I've started handing out guns to large men at gay clubs. Just exercising my right to arm bears. +10814,4,What does a ninety eight year old cock taste like? ... depends +10815,1,"Did the robot have a brother? No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!" +10816,5,"Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, ""No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."" The second barber turned to Barack and said, ""How about you, Mr. Obama?"" Barack replied, ""Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.""" +10817,0,After moving to the sticks i realized why roosters crow in the morning. It's to see who's the bigger cock. +10818,1,"A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard. He wound down his window and said ""Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?"" to which the boy replied ""If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!""" +10819,0,What is the difference between Russia and the United States? Less than a decade. +10820,0,"Why are American options more expensive than European? Because Americans value the freedom to exercise our rights. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!! http://www.investopedia.com/articles/optioninvestor/08/american-european-options.asp" +10821,4,Why didn't the sun go back to school? Because it already has a million degrees +10822,2,"Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of... For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman." +10823,1,"Mother: Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Father: Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!" +10824,4,What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. +10825,0,"Whenever I start doubting my ability to finish all the icing... ... I remember it comes in a CAN, not a CAN’T." +10826,1,My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety... He says it clams him down. +10827,2,"Why are granny panties better than thongs? Because granny panties will cover your ass, but thongs are always trying to get up in your shit." +10828,5,How do you know a girl on Tinder is real? When they ignore you. +10829,2,"[NSFW] Dick is such a gentleman He's always standing up when an attractive woman enters the room, just so she has a place to sit." +10830,7,"What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch." +10831,1,What do you call a man who got stung on the toe? Toby +10832,3,"Doctor: ""Have you ever thought of donating organs after your death?"" Man: "" Yeah, I will donate my brain"" Doctor: ""Good, all tiny bits help""" +10833,2,What do the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. +10834,1,"What did mario say when he broke up with peach? it's not you, it's a me mario" +10835,1,"I wonder why. Did you ever wonder why eggs are labeled Large, X-Large and Jumbo instead of Small, Medium and Large? Because they let men determine the size." +10836,0,"The cow says ""moo"", the horse says ""neigh""... The dog says ""That person...Edward...""" +10837,0,FGM is indefensible. No matter how you cut it. +10838,0,"Adult grain: what do you want to be when you grow up? Young grain: BEER! AG: Ok, but remember to keep your feet on the ground *years later* Loaf of bread: I had dreams you know..." +10839,0,What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker? One of them starts a religion after it gets nailed. +10840,0,Ha ha A little bit ask his mom for a quarter she said for what he said for being good she said why don't you be good for nothing like your daddy. Lol +10841,2,What Do You Call An Asian Billionare? Cha Ching +10842,1,What do you call a president that doesnt get a joke? George wooosh +10843,2,What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell? An honorable discharge +10844,1,"A guy goes speeding down the freeway at 2am on a Sunday morning, when he gets stopped by a cop. Officer: Son, i've been waiting for you all day. Driver: Sorry officer, i got here as fast as i could." +10845,2,"A couple are discussing starting a garden ""You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums,"" remarked the wife. ""Maybe I'll start by planting those."" ""Oh sure, why not,"" replied the husband. ""Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."" ""Alright, let me just run to the store really quick then,"" said the wife. ""You see, I haven't actually botany yet."" " +10846,2,What do you call a woman who can't stand up straight? Eileen +10847,6,"My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type... As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him." +10848,3,"The Perfect Man A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, ""Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"". Passenger: ""Who?"". Cabbie: ""Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time"". Passenger: ""There are always a few clouds over everybody"". Cabbie: ""Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"". Passenger: ""Sounds like he was something really special"". Cabbie: ""There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right"". Passenger: ""Wow. Some guy then"". Cabbie: ""He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson"". Passenger: ""An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"". Cabbie: ""Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow." +10849,1,Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself... ... call me - I will +10850,2,I just got done writing a book! I think I now have authoritis... +10851,3,What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. +10852,2,Why did the guy throw jelly into the street? He wanted to create a traffic jam. ​ (yes I know that they are different substances) +10853,0,Who's Mario's biggest sponsor? Yahoo. +10854,5,"A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”. The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”." +10855,2,I mixed up the word “Jacuzzi” with “Yakusa” Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia. +10856,2,What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV? He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree. +10857,0,"Quasimodo was walking down the street with a lump in his pocket, A young lad shouted across to him ""Hey Quazzie what you got there is it a bag of sweets?"" ""Shut up you little fucker, that's a photo of my dad!""" +10858,2,I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction. But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by. +10859,0,"A prop comedy-joke-riddle that will have the person being told the joke to be the person to tell the punchline. My prototype version of this joke is with a special type of tire pressure gauge, it’s the type that looks like a syringe. I got one from a tire shop, which is the only reason I knew what it was, because I had never seen one before. Anyway, the joke is to ask someone what it is. It’s not some futuristic thingamajig, or something stupid like that. It’s just a different version of a very common item. The answer to the question is the punchline. If the person being asked knows the punchline, the teller finds it funny because of how hard it is to guess what this simple thing is. And if they don’t know(which no one has so far) they laugh when they find out what it is because they’re usually way off, at least the people i’ve asked. Boo’s as well as applause is appreciated. Especially boo’s, but only of they’re real." +10860,1,Drew Barrymore is so hot. That's why E.T. is one of my favorite movies. +10861,0,K-Pop artist PSY decided to open-source his 2012 viral hit... It's now known as Open Gangnam Style +10862,1,What did the car say to the tire? Thanks for keeping it wheel. +10863,5,"It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, ""Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. ""Patrick Henry, 1775."" ""Very good! Who said ""Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth"" ""? Again, no response except from Pedro: ""Abraham Lincoln, 1863,"" said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, ""Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."" She heard a loud whisper: ""Screw the Mexicans."" ""Who said that?"" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. ""Jim Bowie, 1836."" At that point, a student in the back said, ""I'm gonna puke."" The teacher glared and asked, ""All right! Now, who said that?"" Again, Pedro. ""George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."" Now furious, another student yelled, ""Oh yeah? Suck this!"" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, ""Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, ""You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, ""Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, ""Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"" Pedro whispered, ""Saddam Hussein, 2003."" " +10864,1,"A termite walks into a bar..... and asks ""where is the bar tender?""" +10865,2,"I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard. Alas, I've never had good pupils." +10866,1,What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalottapuss +10867,3,"A boy's dad died in a tragic accident Boy is sitting in his room crying his eyes out and weeps to himself -I'm so devastated... Then an otherworldly ghostly voice replies -Hi devastated, I'm dead" +10868,0,"Music choice Friend:""listening to music"" Friend number 2 to me: what is he listening to? Me: a fusion of jazz and funk.. it's called junk" +10869,0,"3 men are working on a new high rise building when the lunch bell rings... The first man opens his lunch and says... ""Oh my gosh! Rice and beans? If I get rice and beans for lunch one more time, I’m going to go to the top of this building and jump off!"" The second man opens his lunch and says... ""Oh my gosh! Fried rice and chicken? If I get fried rice and chicken for lunch one more time, I’m going to go to the top of this building and jump off!"" The third man opens his lunch and says… ""Oh my gosh! BBQ Chicken? If I get BBQ chicken for lunch one more time, I’m going to go to the top of this building and jump off!"" The next day, the lunch bell rings… The first man opens up his lunch and sees rice and beans. He goes to the top of the building and jumps off, killing himself. The second man opens up his lunch and sees fried rice and chicken. He goes to the top of the building and jumps off, killing himself. The third man opens up his lunch and sees BBQ chicken. He goes to the top of the building and jumps off, killing himself. The three wives are talking at the funeral. “I thought that rice and beans were his favorite! That’s why I made it for him every day” the first wife exclaims. The second wife says... “if only I knew, I would have never made it for him!” The third wife sat there, shaking her head in confusion.... she said... “I don’t understand... that stupid ass packed his own lunch!”" +10870,0,"Paddy’s Last Will... Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. A nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons are by his bedside in hospital in Belfast. He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and video camera to be set up to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: ""My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...” ""My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road...” ""My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre...” ""Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ...” The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he passes away, the nurse turns and says softly to his wife; ""Mrs O'Connell my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property. You must be ever so proud of his legacy...” ""Property?” his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round!”" +10871,0,Russian Leaders What do you call a depressed Russian leader? Sadimir Lenin What do you call a happy Russian leader? Gladimir Putin What do you call an angry Russian Leader? Joesph Stalin +10872,0,Doing Physics lesson my teacher asked me for the unit for Period. I said : Litres +10873,0,"A pirate walks into a Brothel He has a fettish for girls with prosthetics so he asks the Madam if any are working. The madam replies ""yes, but they're all into pegging.""" +10874,0,9/11 Jokes They’re just plane wrong. +10875,5,Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands +10876,3,What are you going to be for Halloween? Working. +10877,0,Why did Fall and Winter have to go to group therapy? Because Winter comes too early +10878,1,"I don't always tell dad jokes but when I do, He laughs. " +10879,4,The Soviet Union made the best bread in the world. People would stand in line for days to get it. +10880,3,Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time? He's Ben Solo his whole life +10881,2,Last night I really did sleep like a baby I accidentally fell asleep and 9pm and woke up 4 hours later screaming. +10882,1,"What is the favorite song of oysters? Me shell, my belle." +10883,0,"Three people were trapped on an abandoned island. Their names were Tom Riley, and Jared, and they were great friends. Tom found a teapot on the ground, and when he rubbed it, a genie came out. The genie said, ""I will grant you each one wish."" Tom said, ""I wish for an airplane to get off this island!"" So the genie gave him an airplane and he flew away. Riley said, ""I wish for a jetpack!"" And the genie gave him a jetpack and he flew away. Now it was Jared's turn. ""I wish for all my friends to be with me on this island.""" +10884,1,"Al Gore had a sore tooth so went to see his dentist. ""Jim"", he said, ""I have An Inconvenient Tooth"" After further gay banter and light-hearted fisting, Al was on his way." +10885,2,I want to be cremated... So I can finally have a smoking hot body!! +10886,2,What do you call a bunny with a bent dick? Fucks Funny +10887,0,"This Happens To Me More Often Than You Think... My girlfriend asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, ""Take off my skirt."" I took off her skirt. ""Now take off my bra and panties."" And so I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, ""I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.""" +10888,1,A serial killer known for making paper out of the skin of his enemies' heads and feet has been apprehended by police. He was caught putting foe toes on a face book. +10889,1,An 8 year old kid told me this joke. Why shouldn't you let Elsa hold on to your kite? Because she will let it go. +10890,0,"Once in a school... Teacher said "" if courage is elevated then even water can be removed or extracted from a stone."" Then a student stood up and said ""that's nothing I can even do it from iron."" ""How ?""asked the teacher. He said ""handpump."" LOL" +10891,0,Two gay judges walk into a bar They tried each other +10892,2,My football team went on a massive losing streak. I saw them running naked around my town. +10893,0,"Smart kid STUDENT: Sir may i ask a question? Teacher: Yes! Student: how do u put an elephant inside a fridge? Teacher: i don't know ! Student: its easy you just open the fridge and put it in. May I ask one more question! Teacher: okay ask! Student: how do you put a donkey inside the fridge?? Teacher: It's easy you just open the fridge and put it in. Student: No sir! You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in. Teacher: ohh.. Ok! Student:Sir, one more, If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be? Teacher: the Lion of course! Bcoz it would eat all the animals. Student: No sir, it's the donkey bcoz its still inside the fridge. Teacher: are you kidding me?! Student: no sir! Sir, One last question. Teacher: ok!! Student: If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross it, how will you? Teacher: There's no way, i would need a boat. Student: No sir, you just swim and cross it bcoz all the animals went to the lion's birthday party!" +10894,1,"I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. Baby shark do da do da do da dooo" +10895,1,Your mom is so ugly... she was walking through the Aquarium and a Walrus unlocked her iPhone X. +10896,0,I have a very good friend I call him Poseidon Because he is a swell guy. +10897,1,What brand of shoes do normies wear? REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBOK +10898,1,"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood. " +10899,2,What's the best place to study at college? Under the teacher's desk. +10900,1,"My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. " +10901,1,My Arab dad was really cool... He was the bomb. +10902,5,A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food. Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed...... I'll see myself out. +10903,0,"[Long] My father has a deadly phobia of anagrams, while my mother is a cyborg. My father, Natasha, was in his bed and just about blind. Tired, he mustered up the energy to call my mother, Chrysanthemum, on the phone to bring him a cup of water. She fetches one for him, and fills up one for herself. As she is walking back to his bed, she takes a drink from her cup, and chokes on her water a bit, damaging her computer voice board. Attempting to cry for help, my father felt heroic. He gets up and cries out, ""Honey, keep saying your name and I will find you, wherever you are in the house, and I'll call an ambulance once there!"" ""CHRY-SAN-THE-MUM!"" ""I'm almost there!"" ""CHRYS-ANT-HEMUM!"" ""Okay, I think I just bumped into your head there with my foot... I'm gonna call 91-- ""SCYTHE-MAN-UR-HM??"" ""No... I'm not Mr. Death... Wait, WHAT?!"" My father dropped the phone, which fell into her open, malfunctioning mouth. The ambulance got there just in time to see the anagramayhem. After a few defibrillator charges on dad's chest, the medic wiped away a tear and somberly quipped, ""Ah, Satan sees Natasha..."" With the life-giving palindrome spoken, the medic packed his things up and left. I still have both my parents." +10904,0,What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli +10905,0,"My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn't understand the difference between a professional ""colorist"" and a professional ""racist""" +10906,1,"Unrealistic Porn Something that I find really unrealistic about teacher porn is when the female teacher has fake breasts, there's no way in the world that a teacher's salary can pay for that." +10907,2,"We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone... But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole. " +10908,1,Great jokes are like miscarriage. They never get old. +10909,0,"Two Canadians walked into a bar... Wait it was 3 Canadians No, they were priests. Canadian priests? Anyway, a dog and a Dutch priest Wait, his not Dutch Well he is but you're not supposed to know that yet I think it was at the DMV... Damn, my head hurts bad after I walked into the bar." +10910,8,My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not. +10911,3,"Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets... ...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: ""Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?"" asks the lady. ""I'm not afraid at all,"" says the teacher, ""the WiFi signal covers the playground only.""" +10912,0,"Dad: Say daddy! Baby: Mommy! Dad: Come on, say daddy! Baby: Mommy! Dad: F*ck you, say daddy! Baby: F*ck you, Mommy! Mom: Honey, I'm home! Baby: F*ck you! Mom: Who taught you that? Baby: Daddy! Dad: Son of a b*tch." +10913,1,"A dad and his 11 year old son walk into a drug store... They walk down a few aisles and the son asks ""dad what are those?"" pointing at condoms. The dad, wanting to be honest explains ""when your older you'll need those for safe sex with girls"" ""Neat!"" says the boy ""why do they come in so many different boxes?"" he asks. ""Well let's see"" the dad says picking up a box. ""This is a three pack. This is for high school boys, one for Friday and two for Saturday"" ""Cool!"" Says the boy. ""what about that one?"" pointing at a larger box The dad picks it up and says ""This is a seven pack, it's for college boys, one for Monday, one for Tuesday, one for Wednesday, one for Thursday, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday"" ""Oh wow! I can't wait for college!"" the boy says with a big smile ""what about that one?"" pointing at the largest box. The dad picks it up, smiles and says ""that's a 12 pack that's for dad's!"" ""One for January, February, March, April..."" " +10914,2,What do you call a shunned furry? Fursona non grata. +10915,0,"An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside. The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, ""I'm so sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have sex with her."" ""I can't do it,"" says the man, ""I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, hell, I even held Lenin in my arms as he was dying."" ""Like I said, intercourse is the only way to save your wife."" says the doctor and leaves. Later that night, the man decides to take the doctor's advice, mounts his wife and starts pounding away. After a few moments, he becomes exhausted and falls asleep. The next morning, the man wakes up and sees the other half of the bed is empty. He sits up and all of a sudden hears pots and pans clanging in the kitchen. He gets up, walks over to the kitchen, and sees his wife doing dishes and humming with joy. As he watches her, he suddenly slaps his forehead and says: ""Cyka blyat, I could have saved Lenin!""" +10916,0,"A middle-aged lady was in Europe when she learned that her 100-year-old grand father had died. She was unable to get an immediate flight so; the funeral was over when she reached home. She immediately went to console her 98-year-old grandmother. She asked, “What happened granny?"" Granny said, ""It was sunday morning and we were having sex as we did every sunday when the church bells started to ring. Poppa was great at keeping rhythm with the slow toll of the church bells, you know, ding in and dong out. I think he might have avoided that fatal heart attach if that frigging ice cream truck hadn't passed. His heart just couldn't stand the pace." +10917,3,"In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time. “For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?” ​ The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.” ​ “Why is that?” asks the professor. ​ “Well for one thing,” the student answers, “she’s probably dead.”" +10918,1,"What did the leper say to the prostitute? ""Keep the tip""" +10919,0,What do you call a group of mathematicians? Boring. Edit: TIL math majors browse /r/jokes +10920,0,"Grandpa wanted to refund the grave he just bought Planning ahead my grandpa decided to purchase a cemetery plot for himself and his wife. He goes to the city to purchase them and the woman at the counter says ""can you come back next Wednesday and I can have all the paperwork ready?"" He agrees and comes back the following week. When he gets to the desk he says ""I'm sorry but I want to cancel the plots"", the woman gets slightly aggravated saying ""I have all this paperwork put together and you want to cancel?"" He replies ""I'm sorry but generally when I buy something I like to use it right away and I don't want to use this for at least a few more years""." +10921,0,I would love to have an hacker as a girlfriend But she would probably cheat on me +10922,0,One liner It is crazy how saying sentences backward creates backward sentences saying how crazy is it +10923,0,"Where does an MRA get his water? From a well, actually." +10924,0,Why are Jedi bad at dating? Because they use the force. +10925,4,Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. +10926,1,What is the difference between a Porsche and my friends daughter? I’ve never been in my friends daughter. +10927,2,"What's the value of a cosigned loan? It depends on θ, but between -1 and 1." +10928,0,"I don't need both, but I want both That's what he said. " +10929,3,I have a masturbation problem. And I need to beat it. +10930,0,What's worse than AIDS? Beads. +10931,3,According to my new fitness smart watch I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today. +10932,3,"In the South, what's the difference between and tornado and a divorce? Nothing. Either way someone is losing a trailer." +10933,0,"A guy goes home and tells his wife: Pack your stuff, I just won the lottery! The wife says: Oh my god where are we going? The guy says: I don't care where you're going, just be out of here by five." +10934,0,How does Trump tie his shoes? In little Nazis. +10935,2,"Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking? It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”" +10936,1,I bought tickets to the world cup semi-finals and forgot I'm getting married that day So is anyone here willing to get married that day? +10937,4,"I owe my love of bukkake all to my dad When I was a child, he really rubbed off on me." +10938,2,Military puns are funny. Generally speaking. +10939,7,Why are black people unable to get a PhD? Because they can't get past their masters +10940,0,"Those of you who saw the movie IT, was it believable? I heard you have to see it to believe it." +10941,3,Why did the weatherman blush? He saw the climate change +10942,1,A man walks into a bar... Poor guy. Must've hurt. +10943,1,"A man walks into a psychologist's office. He's wrapped from head to toe in cellophane, but otherwise completely naked. He asks, ""what's wrong with me, Doctor? The doctor responds, ""Well, I can clearly see your nuts."" " +10944,4,"A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: ""Don't Miss ""The Amazing Italian"". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders. Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, ""Don't Miss The Amazing Italian"". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The same... now very old... Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. ""You're incredible!"" he told the Italian, ""But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"" ""Well,"" said the old man, ""My eyes aren't what they used to be.""" +10945,1,"A couple of guys were playing a round of golf After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter. His friend asks him ""Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"" He responds ""From my magic genie, of course!"" Of course his friend doesn't believe him and says ""you don't have a magic genie!"" He responds with ""yes I do! I'll prove it!,"" So he goes over to his golf bag and unzips a compartment and POOF! And suddenly a genie appears! The genie tells his friend ""to prove that I'm real, I'll give you one wish! Choose wisely!"" So his friends thinks about it and says ""okay, I wish for a million bucks!"" Before you know it there are suddenly a whole bunch of ducks flying all around the golfers. The guy then says to his friend ""Oh, I forgot to mention that my genie is hard of hearing. Do you think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?""" +10946,1,"Have you heard the joke about the time I time travelled? No? Alright, I’ll tell you yesterday. " +10947,3,What do you call an African American with asthma? The Black Panter +10948,8,"Three Englishman go into a pub They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar. ""See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up."" So he goes over to him and says ""Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"" The Irishman looks up from his beer and says ""Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me."" The Englishman goes back to his pals. ""Let me give it a try,"" says the next guy. He goes over to the Irishman and says ""Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"" The Irishman looks up from his beer. ""Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my buy!"" The Englishman slinks back to his seat. ""You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!"" The third guy says. ""Watch this."" He goes over to him and says ""Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"" The Irishman turns to him and says ""Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!""" +10949,1,"The pope called child abuse “poop” in Ireland Something that happens directly under him, everyday, that he tries to flush down the toilet, so that no one sniffs it out. " +10950,2,I have 2 short jokes and a long joke Joke joke jooooooooke +10951,1,What does a Nazi turkey say? Goebbels Goebbels +10952,5,Do you know what DNA stands for? National Dyslexia Association. +10953,0,Never forget pickles on my sandwich They're kind of a big Dill! +10954,1,I have a crystal ball Which mean i have to sit down carefully +10955,2,"Snake: *Hissssssss* Feminist: *Hersssss* you stupid shit, *herss*!" +10956,2,I have been smoking weed for almost 13 years. Or about a baker's dozen. +10957,0,You know what they say about Norwegian snowmobiles? They’re built fjord tough. +10958,5,"The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. ""It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope"", said Vladimir, aged 6." +10959,3,"A salesman rings the doorbell. An eight year old boy answers the door. He is naked, except for his father's hat, his mother's panties, and a cape. He has a martini glass in one hand and a fat, Cuban cigar in the other. ""A-a-are your parents home?"", the man stutters. ""What the Hell do you think?""" +10960,0,They banned texting while driving in my state... ...Now I read books and practice juggling. +10961,1,Why can’t Marxists enjoy a nice darjeeling? Because all proper tea is theft. +10962,2,"I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick… Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents" +10963,2,A kiss will make your whole day Anal will make your hole weak! +10964,0,You know what's surprising? One day going by without a school shooting. You know what's not surprising? How much Meryl saved by switching to Geico. +10965,3,"I took my kid to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine who lost all its quills. I said, “That’s completely pointless.”" +10966,2,My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. And then we got married. +10967,0,Doc & Me... Docter: You need to eat healthy. Me: No. Docter: The last patient who didn't changed his diet after my suggestion died- Me: OMG!!! Docter: In an accident with a car. Me: That sounds unrelated. Docter: I was the one driving that car. DON'T DARE TO DISOBEY ME!!! +10968,0,"My best friend's wife caught him cheating She walked in a caught him in bed with another woman. Without hesitation, she grabbed a knife and stared slashing at him. He almost died when she sliced across his upper/inner thigh, because it nearly cut is femoral artery. He's in the hospital now. And the police picked her up. She only got charged with a missed a wiener." +10969,0,"Arnold Schwarzenegger joins an improv troupe. Arnold Schwarzenegger joins an improv troupe, to partake in some low-profile, low-pressure acting. On his first night on board, the first scenario is a meeting of famous classical composers from throughout history. ""Let's plan our roles before we go on stage,"" says the troupe leader. ""I'll be Mozart."" ""I'll be Vivaldi,"" says a member. ""I'll be Handel,"" says another. ""What about you, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"" says the leader slyly. ""What role would you like?"" He grins widely and expectantly. Arnold thinks for a second. He finally raises his finger and says: ""...I'll be Beethoven."" At the end of the night he wonders why the troupe performed that sketch so half-heartedly. " +10970,0,"So I was fucking my daughter last night and my wife walked in! I don't know what she was more surprised by. The fact that I was fucking my daughter, or that the abortion clinic let us keep it." +10971,0,What did the doctor say to the letter E when discussing E's life? You're a Mister E to me +10972,2,So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help We got it off her eventually +10973,1,What do you call someone who touches cereal inappropriately? A chex offender +10974,2,"I have views on my hot neighbour but she’s a cat person. And this morning, my dog came with the cat in its mouth, dead of course. I was horrified and realised I had to fix this if I ever want to hit her. So I went to all the kennels in the shire to find the exact same cat. Finally found it and put the dead cat’s collar on it. Send it back to her garden and then ran away. Ten minutes later, heard a big scream, she was unconscious on the lawn. I rushed to wake her up and asked what happened, worried she would have spot that the cat was different. She replied, out of breath: “I found my cat dead this morning, my dad came and we buried it. And now I find it back to life!”" +10975,1,I ate a rainbow-colored Altoid It was bi-curiously strong. +10976,2,"The Garden of Eden [Poem] In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve without any clothes. In this garden were two little leaves. One covered Adam and one covered Eve. As the story goes on, never the less to say, Along came the wind and blew the leaves away. At the sight Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure all covered with hair. And wonder came into Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing started to rise. They found a spot, which suited them best, A nice big tree where they began to rest Her legs spread wider and wider apart, While thrill after thrill came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing peaked into her hole, And filled her with passion beyond her control. Backwards and forwards his thing did slide, Until Eve's treasure was all wet inside. The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing was all out of juice. " +10977,1,"Describe the glass to see what sort of person you are. **Optimist:** The glass is half full **Pessimist:** The glass is half empty **Scientist:** The glass contains 125 ml of H2O, and 125 ml of air **Engineer:** The glass is engineered for an additional 100% increase in water... maybe get a bigger glass, just to be safe **Manager:** We are getting smaller glasses, to save money " +10978,0,I had diarrhea But now it's gonarrhea. +10979,0,"Say what you will about deaf people, Its not like they can hear it" +10980,0,What's worse than a heartbreak? Ever cheated on a test and still failed? +10981,0,"If Mr. Creed (from Rocky), wants to say sorry to somebody, all he has to do is cum over their face. Because that would be his Apollo jizz" +10982,2,"I wanted to make a joke about boobs However, not a lot of people would get tit" +10983,1,"God and Moses are playing golf on Saturn one day... Moses says to god, ""What you got planned for the weekend G? Wanna head out to mercury and lay on the beach, drink some beers, maybe get some ass? God says ""Nah man, last time I went out there I got hammered and passed out in the sun, woke up with the worst sunburn ever, ruined my whole trip... think I'll just stay here and play a few rounds of golf, relax a little."" Few holes later Moses turns to God and says ""What about we head to Mars, go hit the dance clubs up? Drink some beers try to get a little ass?"" God says ""Shit I haven't been clubbing in years bro, last time I was on Mars I was chatting up this bad ass bitch half the night buying her drinks and shit, just about to seal the deal and her boyfriend showed up and kicked my ass... kinda soured me on the whole club scene."" Think I'll just stay here and play some golf. Last hole comes around, Moses really wants to go do some shit this weekend so he's been milking it over, finally turns to God ""Bro! I got the perfect plan... let's go hit up earth. They got everything, dance clubs, beaches... we can do whatever and you can get a few rounds of golf in while we're there."" God says ""Shit man I would but last time I went to earth I messed around with this broad who told me she was a virgin, knocked her up and they've been talking about that shit ever since."" " +10984,5,My grief counsellor died the other day... But he was so good I didn't even care. +10985,1,What's Sean Connery's favorite sport and favorite time to play it? Tennish. +10986,0,A really expensive hooker A real expensive hooker tried to write a speech. +10987,0,My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me. The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece... +10988,1,Trumps plan for the wall works. Look at China. They built a fucking wall and you don't see any Mexicans there. Edit: spelling +10989,1,What do you call a slut who remembers to get a gift? Thot-ful! +10990,5,"A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth... Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, ""How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?"" To which the boy replied, ""Usually five bucks and a snickers!""" +10991,1,"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms? A punchline." +10992,0,Electrons would be bad shop keepers All they'd to would be to just charge you +10993,0,"Three women: a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are having a debate ""What do you think is the cause of the jump in gas prices?"" The brunette: ""Not enough stock"" The redhead: ""More demand"" The blonde: ""The late great Abraham Lincoln""" +10994,0,"What did the gamer wife told his gamer husband after they got divorced? Good support in-game, bad in giving child support. gg no re" +10995,1,What’s Osama bin Laden favorite football team? The New York Jets +10996,2,Why do women love playing Pac-Man? They can get eaten three times for a quarter. +10997,1,"Two NSA agents walk into a bar. The bartender says, ""Hello gentlemen, first time here?"" The agents reply, ""Yes it is."" The bartender says, ""Great! Would you like to hear our specials?"" The agents go, ""No need, we heard them earlier.""" +10998,1,Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty. +10999,2,"After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise. He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement in a sword fight, a challenge that would require speed, strength and dexterity and demonstrate that he still had what it took, then he could reprise the role of 007 one last time. ​ And so the day came when the two met in the arena and gave the producers a show they wouldn't soon forget. The young upstart with the vigour and vitality of youth on his side leapt and lunged, thrusting and swinging his sword with impressive force. But the older Dalton had the wisdom of age on his side. Each time the young actor sent his blade toward him he stepped effortlessly out of the way, lightly parrying and deflecting the blow as he went. Though he didn't have the speed and endurance of his opponent, he could conserve his energy, bide his time, play the long game and hope to tire him out, pick his moment and strike when the youngster was worn out and let his guard down. And so the fight went on, the young pretender attacking ferociously and the elder thespian withstanding the assault. ​ But although he could dodge the attacks of his opponent, Dalton struggled to break through and land a blow himself. Even worse, the producer's champion didn't tire nearly as quickly as he had hoped. Despite giving it everything he had, utilising every skill and technique he had learned over the course of a long and varied career, try as he might, he couldn't manage to pierce Brosnan." +11000,2,"The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their ""Grand Opening"" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground. ""This is a bad sign"" they remark." +11001,2,"If you saw an assassin running towards the president... Would you say ""Donald Duck""?" +11002,2,"Kid: ""Mom what's dark humor?"" Mom: See that guy with no arms over there? Tell him to clap. Kid: Mom! I'm blind. Mom: Exactly " +11003,3,"I saw a sign that said falling rocks But I tried, and it didn't..." +11004,2,"A mother takes her daughter to a clinic She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period. The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening. The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant. The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone: ""But that is not possible at all. I have ensured that she doesn't have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun. She is absolutely a virgin. You probably haven't examined her well! You are wrong!!"" The girl doesn't speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes. The doctor stands up and walks to the window. As he peeps out, the mother says, ""Well..aren't you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor? What are you looking for through that window anyway?"" The doctor turns. ""Ma'am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east""." +11005,1,"I'm concerned because I swallowed an Airpod. On the bright side, my playlists are the shit!" +11006,1,"Wolverine and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says, ""No claws, please!"" They both leave." +11007,0,New Star Wars joke *spoiler* Why does Kylo Ren like singing? he just loves killing that Solo! +11008,2,My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook. Click bait +11009,2,"Two deer walk out of a gay bar The one deer says to the other ""I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there!"" " +11010,3,Why can't the T-Rex clap its hands? Because it's dead. +11011,2,"I was at the airport, trying to find my terminal. I asked “is this B40?” The young lady at the desk angrily replied “excuse me, I’m 22!”" +11012,2,"A Married Couple Are Dancing... A married couple are out at a dance. There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife says to her husband, ""See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."" The husband says, ""Looks like he’s still celebrating.""" +11013,1,"The Japanese aren't the only ones to clean up after a sporting event. The Warriors, for example, just swept the Cavs. " +11014,0,Hey did you meet the mushroom across the street? I heard they’re a fungi +11015,2,"What's the one thing Tupac needed to work on? His ab routine. If he had a good ab routine, he would have been called Sixpac." +11016,2,Why do baseball players shout? BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ALL CAPS!! +11017,2,"I told my mom a joke today She did not laugh. Instead she said, ""Why do you tell stupid jokes when all you have to tell people to make them laugh is that you have a future?""" +11018,0,Saw a cute girl at the bar.. So I asked her if she wanted to get a pizza and fuck. She then slapped me in the face. I asked her what’s wrong? You don’t like pizza? +11019,0,Old man: Good ol' days when I had erections so hard that I pressed my dick down with my two arms ...now I just don't have the strength in my arms anymore. +11020,0,I went to the zoo and one of the enclosures had its animals escape Now there's cougars prowling around with their children here. +11021,1,I had a pet Newt once and called him Tiny it's because he was my Newt +11022,5,I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born +11023,0,Why did the Dad need his glasses to watch the Golden State Warriors play? Steph Blurry +11024,0,What do insecure teenagers drink with breakfast? Axe-spray-so. +11025,1,What is a wonder bra? It's when you take the bra off and wonder where the fuck the tits are. +11026,0,What Kind of Choice Did the Judges of the Elvis Impersonation Contest Have After They Had Narrowed It Down to the Two Final Candidates? The had to choose between the Best of Two Elvises. +11027,1,The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it. +11028,0,"Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to tge other and says ""Boy, it sure is hot in here!"" The other muffin turns to him and says..... ""HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!""" +11029,2,What do you call a tiny spanish pepper? A jalapequeño. +11030,0,How did Mr Cheese paint his wife? He Double Gloucester. +11031,0,How do you draw a scatter plot? You give the pen to michel j fox +11032,2,So there's a child and a gorilla... Well there WAS a gorilla. +11033,5,"To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in. The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time." +11034,0,"I think a female scientist will find the cure for the common, it's cold in here" +11035,0,What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't scream when you put the meat in it. +11036,2,"Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. it's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascle runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims ""Newton! i found you! You are it!"" Newton Smiles and says ""You didn't find me, you found a newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!""" +11037,3,A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times She kept asking for my card again. +11038,1,"A guy walks into a coffee shop He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds ""I'm allergic to the protein in milk."" The barista replies ""No whey?""" +11039,1,"A programmer wants to try stand up. A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, you could see few people struggling to laugh but not quite enough, then he goes back to the start of the joke change a bit and repeats again, this time everyone laughs. Some one from crowd asks why did you mistake your joke, why he had to go back to the beginning and start over? Programmer I had to debug a bit to find out what worked for this crowd.." +11040,0,"Are you a psychology major? ""No, I'm a business major."" ""Well, business is psychology...""" +11041,3,"A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear with a woman on his back... ... His friends see him and ask ""hey man, what are you supposed to be?"" He replies ""Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle"" His friend responds ""A turtle? How are you supposed to be a turtle? And who is that woman on your back?"" The man replies ""Oh, that's Michelle" +11042,1,"What does an event planner say to pick a girl up? ""You are in my To-Do list""" +11043,0,"How to pass a Proposal at the FCC just make the Title apealing, noone cares what it is actually about." +11044,7,"If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, ""Thanks."" Not ""Who are you?"" and ""How did you get in my apartment?""" +11045,1,"How did Germany take over Poland so quick in World War 2? The Germans marched in backwards, so the Polish thought they were leaving" +11046,0,I asked a jewish girl for her number once... She rolled up her sleeve. +11047,1,"Online dating I thought I could get a nude pic from a girl I met on a dating site recently by starting first. So, I sent a pic of my eyes and she sent back a pic of her smile. I sent a pic of my 6 pack and she sent back a pic of her flat stomach. I sent a pic of my firm ass and she sent back a pic of her 9” penis. Anyone know how I can get her to send a pic of her vagina." +11048,0,Got a new rice cooker recently. I think she's finally starting to grasp the English language. +11049,0,I always wonder how rapists never get caught? You would think that the proof is in the pudding +11050,0,"A Man Goes To The Doctor A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has five penises. The doctor asks, ""Five penises?!?!? How do your pants fit?"" The man replies, ""Like a glove.""" +11051,0,So a fern recently got released from custody due to tampering with the crime scene. Turns out that the evidence was planted. +11052,0,How do sheep divide candy? They all get their fair shear +11053,1,My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide. It's the laughing stock. +11054,2,TIL when baking for the holidays... Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes. +11055,2,I never believed in magic Until I woke up and my wife and kids had disappeared +11056,0,"New dating site So you’ve all heard about J-Date and Christian Mingle. Hell, even farmers have their own site with Farmers Only. I heard the newest web site was going to be Islamic Love dot com, but it would never have worked. You can’t see the females faces. " +11057,0,What do you call 100 rabbits all stuck together and rolling down a hill? Hare ball. +11058,3,Why was the sand wet? Because the sea-weed. *First joke my 4 year old son learnt +11059,0,A man walks into a bar Ouch +11060,1,Today is the best day for my buddy who’s divorce attorney He send out thousands of cards saying: “Love you! Miss you! You know who!” +11061,2,What do you call an angry psychologist? A thera-pissed. +11062,3,"A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ""Ahmal."" The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ""Juan."" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ""They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.""" +11063,0,What's the difference between contracting syphilis and voting Trump into office? It doesn't take 4 years to get rid of syphilis. +11064,2,What does a gay horse eat? Hayyyyyyy +11065,1,You should never anthropomorphize computers... ... they hate it when you do that. +11066,1,You know your doing bad with girls when... You know your favourite hoover setting +11067,1,What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle? Pep C +11068,3,Why was Buzzfeed's chief editor found dead in the bathroom? He couldn't believe number two would shock him. +11069,2,My gym teacher was shouting at me like “Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!” It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor. +11070,3,What do prostitutes and battleships have in common They are usually covered in semen +11071,0,Why are turds tapered on the end? To keep your butthole from slamming shut +11072,5,Do you know why donuts have a hole in them? Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed +11073,3,"There was once a king... ... who owned two magnificent kingdoms. Vast in land and great in wealth. One day the king decided he wanted to give one of his kingdoms away. He gathered all of his people and told them, ""He who swims across the immense river separating my two kingdoms shall inherit the one in the East. But beware. The river is infested with alligators and all sorts of creatures who will be more than delighted to make any of you their day's dinner. Good luck to any who dares try."" No sooner had the king finished his declaration when a man was already on the river making his way across. All sort of creatures attempted to make short of the man, but he fought valiantly and sure. It took all of his strenght, but finally, though bloodied and clawed and wounded, made it to the kingdom in the East. The king came to him and said, ""Good man, I am a man of my word, so this kingdom is now yours. With all of its wealth and its people. May you rule with great wisdom."" The man, panting as he spoke, ""I do not want this kingdom."" The king, perplexed at such a thing, said to the bloodied man, ""But... you crossed the river. My word is my bond. If the kingdom is not what you wanted, why did you jump? What do you want?"" The man, doubled over in pain, suddenly stood up and said, ""I want to find the son of a bitch who threw me in the goddamn river."" " +11074,1,"Your wife IS better. Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ""Heck. My wife is better than that."" The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ""You know? Your wife IS better.""" +11075,0,You are very funny... Funny looking. +11076,0,"I was told the general rules of life is to help people, be nice and give aids. So I don't know why everybody is getting mad at me for infecting them. " +11077,1,This is the 21st century. Where deleting history is more important than creating history. +11078,1,The worst thing someone can say when you have an erection.. When I call your name come get your test back. +11079,3,"If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them." +11080,0,"in Soviet Russia.... In Soviet Russia, you kill cop and get away with it" +11081,0,"Dad shocked Son ROCKED Son: Dad, what is an idiot?  Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?  Son: No." +11082,2,I don't know if you knew this. But if you store your urine in the fridge for 21 days... There's a 100% chance you're single. +11083,0,Why did Helen Kellers dog commit suicide? You would too if your name was **insert random obnoxious noise here** +11084,0,"Two mates, Kev and Jim, are always out on the ale together... ... and on one such drinking session, Kev asks Jim ""Hey, you know when you drink so much that you end up throwing up all over yourself, how come your missus never yells at you about it. Any time I go home with sick on myself my missus screams at me but you never complain about it."" ""Well Kev, what I do is I slip a $10 note in my shirt pocket and I tell her 'yeah I'm a bit drunk but this wasn't me. Some guy, absolutely wasted he was, ran into me and threw up all over me. He even put $10 in my pocket to apologise. You can have that.' She's normally too happy with the $10 to question the story."" So the following week, they're back on the ale and Kev ends up being sick all over himself. As he's staggering home he remembers Jim's advice. He just about gets in his key in the door which swings open and there's his wife, looking furious. ""Look at the state of you, you've got sick all down your shirt."" ""Now honey, listen, this isn't mine. Some guy was drunk and threw up on me. He even put $10 in my pocket to apologise."" She reaches in his pocket. ""But this is a $20?"" ""Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too.""" +11085,0,You can't trust Mitch McConnell He's literally in bed with the Chinese +11086,5,"A plane made an emergency landing on water A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused. The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - “You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE. Tell the British this is an HONOUR. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, and tell the Germans this is the LAW. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.” The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. “What about them”, she asked. The captain laughed. “Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE.” “And what about the Singaporeans?”, she persisted. The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained - “You need not tell the SIngaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions.""" +11087,2,What hurts more; giving birth or being kicked in the balls? A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed. +11088,0,"I had a job as a waiter working at an upside down restaurant, the Management tried to fire me but I turned the tables on them" +11089,0,"[Politics] Why will it take so long for Donald Trump's wall to be built? Well, with hands that small he can surely only build one brick at a time." +11090,1,Where do people with ADHD go? To concentration camps. +11091,1,There are only two genders in this world. Men and Kitchen appliances +11092,0,How do you tune a Jedi tuba? Use the fourth. +11093,0,"If I married two midgets, Would that be bigamy?" +11094,3,What did one wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner. +11095,0,"What's the ""magic word"" in Spanish? Abrapalabra." +11096,1,"For all the animal lovers out there A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems. She asks little Susie, Teacher: “If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?” Susie: “5, I’m not going to give them away.” Teacher: “Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of them, how many would you have?” Susie: “5...and a dead body.” " +11097,1,"How does Helen Keller drive a car? One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road." +11098,0,I lost my first adult tooth the other day... Please kill me. +11099,0,Do u like fishsticks? Cuz moby dick heard u did and is comin to say hi +11100,0,Muslims are like the common cold and SJWs are like AIDS. It’s easy to fight off a cold unless you have AIDS. +11101,0,"ROFL Mrs Rosy D'Souza was going to the market in Texas where she happened to meet Father Patrick. Father: ""Hey, you are Rosy that I got you married in NY, when I was posted there"". ""Yes Father"" Says Rosy. ""How is your husband and the little ones ?"" ""Husband is fine but so far, no children"". Father Patrick: ""Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there."" ""Thank you, Father Patrick."" After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again. ""So Rosy, how's everything and what about the little ones?"" ""Yes Father. I have had three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids"". ""Where is your husband ?"" ""Oh, he's gone to Rome to blow off that candle"".😃😜😝" +11102,0,When are your electronics in the mood for sex? When you turn them on! +11103,0,If you ever do a trust fall . . . . . . Pick the ground as your partner. The ground will always catch you. +11104,0,What did the vet say to the farmer about his terminally ill cow? It'll beef alright +11105,1,Do you remember that group of whales that had a distinct higher pitch to their songs? I believe they were Orcastrato +11106,1,If anything can be said about my ex-wife... She's one hell of a house keeper! +11107,2,Interrogation... Suspect: I ain't talking Cop: [sharpens knife] we have other ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake] Suspect: can I have some Cop: cake is for the talkers +11108,2,Is the reason why all of the Pokemon professors are named after trees because They embark you on your journey? +11109,1,Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says: ​ It's stale mate. +11110,4,We need to stop giving women rights. We need to give them lefts as well. That way they can finally drive as good as men. +11111,3,I don't trust those trees They seem kind of shady +11112,7,"Man Runs In Front Of Car, He Gets Tired Man Runs Behind Car, He Gets Exhausted." +11113,2,"(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg. (Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?" +11114,0,An insight into bakers' lives Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis. +11115,2,"If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say... ""SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED""" +11116,2,Why are people with a foot fetish losers? Because they like the taste of DA FEET +11117,1,So hurricane Jose is growing in the Atlantic.. It's going to set records as the first hurricane to put a new roof on your house... +11118,1,I formed a band called the submarines... None of our songs got out of the water +11119,3,"Fill out job applications in crayon... ...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color." +11120,5,"TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico The child calls him his ""PaDre""" +11121,5,What kind of music do wind turbines listen to? They're huge metal fans. +11122,3,"A young boy goes and visits his grandfather for a few days During the first meal the boy says to his grandfather: ""Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."" ""They are as clean as coldwater gets them."" The grandfather replies. During the next meal the young boy notices the same thing again and asks ""Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."" ""They are as clean as coldwater gets them."" The grandfather replies. This happens during every meal until the day arrives when the young boy leaves for his home again. While getting out of the door the grandfathers dog suddenly jumps on the young boy and the grandfather yells ""Coldwater! Stop that!""" +11123,2,Why do horse-girls like horses so much? ... Because it's the only STABLE relationship they'll ever have! +11124,3,How are a vagina and the Italian mafia similar? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit. +11125,2,"There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital, and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, she ended up adding more and more pockets and loops and cargo spaces. Eventually, it amounted to quite a lot of weight as she was carrying a small pharmacy. One day, one of the elderly inpatients complained that their walker was missing. After a little investigation, it was discovered that the nun was using it to help bear with the weight of her clothes! The only thing the hospital staff could talk about for the next week was that she had resorted to stealing to support her drug habit." +11126,3,"[Music] Two A's. An E and a C walk into a bar The bartender says ""Sorry, we don't serve minors""" +11127,8,So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. +11128,0,how sodomy started........ a good friend & an itchy butthole. +11129,6,I threw a Chinese man down the stairs... It was Wong on so many levels. +11130,4,"I've been watching you urinate in the pool.. Lifeguard: I’ve been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you’ll have to stop urinating in the pool. Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool. Lifeguard: From the diving board?" +11131,0,If you want a joke about United Airlines You'll have to beat it out of me +11132,1,My brother has a strange relationship with shoes He converses with them +11133,1,"How do you make a car top? Tep on the brake, tupid!" +11134,0,Whats the worst part of killing a baby Geting blood on your clown suit +11135,0,"I was in bed with my new girlfriend.... .....making out and getting hot. She then took off her clothes, got on all four and said, ""Fuck me from behind!"" So I got into position....and looked down at her asshole.....just waiting invitingly for me to slip in my cock. I thought, ""Fuck it, I am going in"". Before I knew anything, I was in balls deep!! She let out a deep sigh and said, ""That feels really good....finger me a while before you put the dick in!""" +11136,1,Where do you go when you can't find a room in any hotel? To the last resort +11137,1,Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new house? Neither has he +11138,1,What's the difference between your paycheck and your Penis? I can find you a woman who will blow your paycheck. +11139,1,Whats the difference between a black penguin and a white one? A black penguin is walking away from You and a white one is walking towards you. +11140,4,"A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club... A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night. When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other. However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?” With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said “baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse." +11141,2,A chicken walks into a bar The bartender says “hey! We can’t serve you here! You gotta go to the bar across the street” +11142,1,Did you hear about the guy that got hit by a train? He didnt hear the end of it +11143,4,"I walked into a bookstore Me: ""Do you have any books on turtles?"" Worker: ""Hardback?"" Me: ""Yeah, with little heads.""" +11144,3,"The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh. It's a lot cheaper than cremation. " +11145,8,"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian. is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby." +11146,0,"Roy Rogers was riding home from the boot shop when his trusty steed, Trigger, froze in his tracks. A couple of yards away, at their two o'clock, was a mountain lion crouching on a rock alongside the trail, prepared to pounce. Roy tugged on the reins, and Trigger obediently turned away from the mountain lion -- Roy and the cat were eye to eye, about six feet apart. The wild cat took a leap and knocked Roy right out of his saddle, and they wrestled in the dirt. Roy eventually knocked out the mountain lion, but not before it had bitten unsightly gouges in both of Roy's brand-new boots. He sighed. He lifted the unconscious beast and draped it over Trigger's rear end. Then he got back in the saddle and continued home. His dear wife, Dale Evans, was there at the gate of their homestead as he and Trigger approached. She took a look at Roy's boots and then at the lifeless mountain lion with leather fragments in its teeth, and she sang ... ""Pardon me, Roy -- is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?""" +11147,6,"I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: ""what would Jesus do?"" ......So I turned it into wine" +11148,2,"Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there. A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, ""Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."" The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, ""Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."" The man replies, ""I do, and she will be home any minute!""" +11149,4,"Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, ""I love you."" She said, ""Is that you or the beer talking?"" I said, ""It's me talking to the beer.""" +11150,2,How do we now Adam and Eve weren't black? Not even God could take a rib from a black man! +11151,2,What does an 80 year old have between her breasts that a 20 year old doesnt? Her bellybutton +11152,2,Dogs can't operate an MRI But catscan. +11153,2,"My friend was walking the dog... ... and someone approaches trying to make conversation. — What a beautiful dog! What breed is it? — It's a German shepherd. — Gorgeous, does it have a name? — The Lord. — The Lord? Why would you name it like that?! — Because The Lord is my shepherd. ​ ^(edit: then he farted.)" +11154,1,"A young and aspiring journalist is going around her town trying to find interesting local people she could write a good story on. Suddenly she spots an old shriveled bald man that is furiously smoking cigarettes. He looks to be around ninety or even hundred years old but still vigorous enough to be outside on a bench and smoking. She goes up to to the man because she finds it interesting that he is so old and yet still smoking like if it wasn't unhealthy at all. ""Excuse me sir, I am from local newspaper and I am impressed how you are this age yet outside during the day and smoking when others like you are staying at homes all day. Could I get a short interview from you?"" she asks very politely after which the man nods, puffs the cigarette and coughs a little bit. She then sits down next to him, pulls out a notebook and a pen and starts writing down information. ""So sir, what is your name?"" she says as the first question. ""James Smith."" answers the man with gravely voice and then coughs again a little bit. ""And how many cigarettes a day do you usually smoke?"" she asks another question. ""Three or four packs."" answers the man again following it up with a cough. ""And how old are you?"" she then proceeds to ask. The man violently coughs for a moment, then gulps and answers: ""Thirty five this June.""" +11155,0,Blonde joke Blonde and redhead jumped off the building together. Who landed first on ground first? The redhead as the blonde ask for direction half way down. +11156,0,"This guy tried to join the Anti Dairy Brigade, but they wouldn't accept him because he has no feet. Turns out they are lack-toes intolerant." +11157,0,What do you call a guy who knows every word in the dictionary? Vocabu-Larry. +11158,1,"What did the Mexican man say after 2 houses fell on him... ""Get off of me, homes!""" +11159,0,"My long lost relative died. I've had an email telling me that a long lost relative of mine has snuffed it (never even heard of him so no real grief) and left me £900,000 in his will. Apparently he died in Africa somewhere and this Attorney bloke, Jackson Nkomo, emailed me to let me know the news. He said that he needed £8,000 to get all the admin sorted so obviously I transferred the wedge over there double lively. I've given him all my bank details and so now all I've got to do is sit back and wait for all that lovely lolly to to appear in my account! You probably won't see me on here for a while as I'll be gallivanting all over the world spunking dough left, right and centre. Later losers." +11160,3,"Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was. ""You're David Beckham!"" he exclaimed ""Nice to meet you!"" ""Thanks"" said David ""nice to meet you too"". During the ride the converstation turned to what they'd been doing in London. ""Oh we went to a fantastic restaurant, the food was really delicious - I just can't remember what it was called..."" said David. ""Hang on a minute, what's the name of that station in London?"" ""Euston?"" suggested the cabbie ""No that's not it, the big station.."" replied David ""Paddington?"" ""No that's not it - they do buses there..."" ""Oh Victoria?"" offered the cabbie ""Yes that's right Victoria."" said Becks, turning to his wife. ""Victoria, what's the name of that restaurant?"" *(edit formatting)* " +11161,3,I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker. I said yes. He said how. I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub. +11162,5,"An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight. After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath. ""You just made it!"" she says. ""Do you have your boarding pass?"" ""Oh, this isn't my flight,"" the man says. ""I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan.""" +11163,0,"Hey girl, you ever played Pokemon Snap? 'cause I keep trying to get a Pikachu" +11164,0,"Two man are talking, 'You know, I must admit. I am shit-scared' 'Why, what happened?' 'You know, I didn't pay the electricity bill, people came and cut the power. I didn't pay the water bill, people came and cut the water supply. I didn't pay the phone bill either, some people came and cut the phone wires.' 'So what are you scared of now?' 'Well, this month, I didn't pay the alimony.'" +11165,8,"A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."" About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"" He said ,""Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."" He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom." +11166,2,Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket? It was an ex-ice tax. +11167,2,When you get a bladder infection... Urine trouble. +11168,0,You know what I want for Christmas? Fortnite and mark ass brownlee. +11169,0,"3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up.""" +11170,4,"Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:  ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.""  ""You foul-mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!""  ""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.""" +11171,2,What do dogs do when they finish obedience school ? They get their masters. +11172,2,What did the Boston Marathon bombers accomplish that Hitler could not? They ended a race. +11173,1,"It’s been reported that Credit Card information for Sears and Kmart customers has been hacked. Fortunately, they were able to contact your grandparents and they were able to cancel their Diners Club without incident. " +11174,1,What are we? Smartphone users! What do we want? Turn off autocorrect! When do we want it? Cow! How! Not! Fck +11175,2,I call my dick MySpace No one's on it. +11176,0,"Going to the bank... A white man walked into a bank, he forgot his id at home and the banker lets him withdraw.. Then a black guy walks in with his id, birth certificate, his social security number, and his mom.. and the banker says ""We have no proof it's actually you sorry."" " +11177,2,What a time to be alive in Alabama The crush of my life told me she loves me like a brother +11178,2,What do you call a reverse Airbender? A Boomer Aang +11179,1,"A neutron walks into a bar A neutron walks into a bar and asks ""How much for a beer?"" The bartender says, ""For you? No charge."" " +11180,1,How does Kylo Ren's master escape? With a Snoke Screen. +11181,0,What do you call a scary storage room on Halloween? A warehouse (Sorry) +11182,4,The best way to irritate a Grammar Nazi... is to tell them there wrong. +11183,2,Did you hear about the masochist Hank Hill? I hear he's pro-pain and pro-pain accessories. +11184,0,"Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I throw half of them in the garbage I don't want unlucky people working for me" +11185,4,A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly. Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured. +11186,3,I hope Death is a woman. She'll never come for me. +11187,0,Atheists are like a broken pencil They're missing the point +11188,4,"Everyone Knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"" ""No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, ""Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. ""No, no, just name anyone else,"" Dave says. ""President Obama,"" his boss quickly retorts. ""Yup,"" Dave says, ""Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington,"" and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, ""Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."" Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. ""Pope Francis,"" his boss replies. ""Sure!"" says Dave. ""I've known the Pope for years."" So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, ""This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."" He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, ""What happened?"" His boss looks up and says, ""It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'People are still reposting this joke on r/jokes' " +11189,3,"Animals getting frisky A father and son are standing on a hill looking out over a plain. Seeing a pair of animals getting intimate, the son turns to his father and says ""Dad, why is that buffalo getting on top of another boy buffalo? Is it gay?"" The father turns to the son to admonish him. ""You shouldn't be judgemental of another person or animal for the sexuality!"" While he says this, the same buffalo mounts a female. ""Anyway, it's bison.""" +11190,3,How do you find an inconvenient proof? With an Al-Gore-rithm +11191,2,What's the difference between a jew and a boy-scout? Boy-scout comes back from the camp +11192,2,Shouldn't opera singers be good sailors? Since they're good at high C's. +11193,2,"A Mexican attempts to pass the border A Mexican attempts to pass the border A border control officer catches them and says, ""Papers."" The Mexican replied, ""Scissors."" The border control officer replied, ""Dammit! Well, you're free to go!""" +11194,3,What do you call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire...... Bernadette +11195,0,"How can you tell if... Someone is Vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you. Someone does crossfit? Don't worry, they'll tell you. Someone is allergic to gluten? Don't worry, they'll tell you. Someone does Shake-ology? Don't worry, they'll tell you. Someone likes Harry Potter? Don't worry, they'll tell you. " +11196,1,What is a mother's favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night. +11197,4,"I came home from work today to find my wife and her two fat friends eating doritos on the couch.. I mumbled under my breath ""fat fucking cows"" she said ""what did you just say?!"" ""You herd"" PS: obligatory repost after reading the other joke in the frontpage" +11198,0,Q: Why have all these complete strangers started to poke around outside my window? A: They wanna peek-a-chu. +11199,0,"After several attempts, I finally understood that mime's story... Surely he gesticulates." +11200,6,My friend got hired at a dildo factory He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job +11201,2,"A man walks into a library and says ""You got any books on floors?"" The librarian says ""Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else""." +11202,7,A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB Now that's a lot of information to swallow. +11203,3,How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers. +11204,0,Helium walks into a bar The bartender says: “I’m sorry we don’t serve noble gasses here”. Helium doesn't react! +11205,1,Dude... NoFap? That is one Reddit cult I did not see cumming. +11206,1,"A man wants to lose weight.... There was this overweight guy who was watching the TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, ""If you can catch me, you can have me."" As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except some mornings he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, he weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, and the thoights of maybe catching up on one of the beautiful women, he decides to do The Master Program! But before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, ""If I catch you, you're mine!""" +11207,0,When life gives you lemons YOU SQUEEZE THEM BACK INTO LIFE'S EYES! +11208,0,What do you call a bow covered in chickens? A hen tie +11209,2,"3 words hated by men & women during sex Men: “Are you In? ” or “Is It In? “ Women: “Honey, I’m home!”" +11210,0,Why did the baker have brown hands? ..... because he kneaded a poo! +11211,0,"A bird, a cat, and a dog walk into a Korean Restaurant The bird asks for a salmon, and the waiter tells him enjoy. The cat asks for a steak, and the waiter says enjoy. The dog asks for dog food, and the waiter returns with a plate full of meat. He says to the dog, “Sir! I did not know we served cannibals here!”" +11212,1,"I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... ....but the title ""50 Shades of Grey"" was already taken." +11213,2,How did the Democrats feel about the results of Georgia's special election ? The just couldn't Handel the loss. They had worked their Ossof for it. +11214,2,"If my life is like a highway, I sure hope it's like an interstate Lots of opportunities to get off" +11215,7,why did the feminist fail algebra? She couldn't solve inequalities. +11216,1,Russians have General Winter Americans have General Motors +11217,0,Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who killed his customer? ... He's a small medium at large. (Hopefully not a repeat) +11218,2,What do you call a cross between a penis and a potato? A dictator. +11219,2,Marriage is like a bar of soap... It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it +11220,0,My dad called and said he’s in the hospital and had a stroke. I left work to visit him only to discover he was seeing a fertility doctor. +11221,0,My son keeps insisting that he's just his brother trapped in his own body. I just think he's brokin +11222,6,Sex is like pizza Turtles are having it in the sewers +11223,2,Trash cans are all vigilantes They keep our streets clean when others won't. +11224,0,I just got my shipment of birds in from Lisbon. They're Portu-geese. +11225,1,What's the ISIS favourite dessert? TERRORmisu +11226,0,How do you get a cute country girls attention? A tractor +11227,3,What's the difference between snowman and snow woman? Snowballs. +11228,0,"Timmy was in Language arts class. The teacher asks if anyone can tell a story with the word ""Fascinate.' One student raised his hands and said, ""I went to a dinosaur museum and was fascinated by the fossils."" ""Nice try"" said the teacher, ""but that's not quite correct."" Another student gives it a shot and says, ""I went to the zoo and thought all the animals were fascinating."" Teacher lets him know that's also incorrect. ""The word is fascinate in present tense."" Timmy raised his hand and said out loud, ""My sister bought a new blouse with 10 buttons but her boobs were so big she could only fascinate.""" +11229,1,What's the difference between your job and your wife? After 20 years your job still sucks +11230,1,"Sherlock Holmes' wife being very neglected took to compensatory eating and put on an enormous amount of weight. The master detective took her to his friend Dr. Watson for examination. After the doctor had given her a thorough examination, Holmes asked him, ""What is the problem, doctor?"" Dr. Watson replied, ""Alimentary, my dear Holmes!""" +11231,3,Why did the nonbinary prospector move west in 1849? Because there was gold in them/their hills. +11232,1,I drove by a murder yesterday. I hate crows. +11233,0,"TIL They Call Bathrooms ""Loo""s in Britain. As Someone Named Lou... ...I don't think I'll be taken seriously over there or even get a date! You know what I mean John?" +11234,0,"As a white male in America, people automatically assume i must be racist. But how can i be racist when some of my favourite prostitutes are Asian?" +11235,0,Eating a dictionary was a bad idea. It gave me thesaurust throat I've ever had +11236,2,Even if the universe ended in a big freeze We'd be 0K EDIT:OMG a silver?!! Thank you kind stranger :) +11237,0,I shaved my sack last week... Now I have poke' balls. +11238,3,"A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, ""why?"" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door ""No trans fats"" (I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)" +11239,2,The UK should ban pre-shredded cheese Make Britain grate again +11240,0,"Apple Archery One day, on a busy street, a suicidal man declared a challenge: whoever could split this apple right on his head from distance, will get a %100$ check written to his name. Shortly after, a tall man stepped up and was ready for his throw. The man with the apple on his head didn't look nervous one bit. So with a swift axe throw, the tall man succeeded the challenge, and visibly enraged, the suicidal man was forced to keep his promise. ""I'm Frank Audric."" said the tall man, as he was about to get his check signed. However, our friend didn't give up, and decided to select someone from the crowd himself. He pointed to an old man and called for him to walk up to the podium. The old man took his shoot bluntly, and to most's surprise, it managed to split the second apple put on our friend's head today. ""I'm Eddie Penham."" said the old man, as he was about to get his check signed. The suicidal man went to pick another volunteer out of the crowd. This time, he picked an average-looking man with a stubble. The man stepped up, took his shot, and to everyone's surprise, the axe penetrated the suicidal man's skull. He was left emotionless on the ground. The apple was still split in the process, though. So the shooter said ""I'm... sorry.""" +11241,2,Why did the vampire join the circus? To become an acrobat. +11242,0,"An old man goes to the doctor. He says ""Doctor I'm having problems peeing."" The doctor ask""How old are you?"" The old man says ""Ninety three."" The doctor says ""You've peed enough.""" +11243,1,I've got good news and bad news... GOOD NEWS: Hillary lost the presidency BAD NEWS: Trump won the presidency +11244,5,"When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car. I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real." +11245,2,What do you call a rural drug dealer? A Farmacist +11246,5,"The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, ""I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."" ""Thank you very much sir""" +11247,1,What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall +11248,1,"What do hurricanes and women have in common? They come in hot and wet, but usually they just take your car and sometimes your kids." +11249,1,I can't wait until Trump's inauguration when Ashton Kutcher finally pops out and tells us we've been punk'd +11250,1,Happy Father's Day Today is the day that you should thank your dad for not spraying you all over your moms face. +11251,1,"What pen does the annoyed artist use? Ugh, fine." +11252,1,Some Cheesy Jokes: What cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone! What cheese do you use to get a bear down from a tree? Camembert! What cheese is made backwards? Edam! Why did the cheese board blow away? Because of the strong Bries! What did the cheese day when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi! +11253,0,Why are all the planets attracted to Jupiter? Because it has a huge mass. +11254,2,"Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar... The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet. ""Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer"", she says as she goes in for a handshake. The man replies ""Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"" She leans over to him, ""No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!""" +11255,0,"Geppetto sees that Pinocchio is a bit down, and asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio replies, ""Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but whenever I make love to a woman, she complains about splinters."" Geppetto says, ""I have just the thing!"" and gives Pinocchio some sandpaper. A few weeks later, Geppetto asks Pinocchio how things are going with the ladies now. Pinocchio responds, ""Who needs ladies?""" +11256,3,Ford should manufacturer a sedan called the Ore It would be the four-door Ford Ore +11257,0,"Just Hitched My wife and I had just finished hugging everybody, and left the reception. On the way to our newly bought house, I tried to make a little small talk. I was extremely happy and couldn't think pretty well, so I excitedly sputtered out something to do with our up and coming vacation. Almost immediately, she nods and precedes to pull her dress up and stick her rear-end out of the car window. ""What the hell are you doing?!"" I yelled at her. With a confused look on her face, she sat back down and said, ""You did say 'Honey, Moon!'""" +11258,2,"Apple joke.. I heard this 10 or so years ago and has to be my favourite .. A man walks into a bar, holding an apple. He orders a pint and the barman says "" you can't bring apples into the bar. You have to buy food here. The man replies. ""This ain't no ordinary apple mate, have a bite... So the barman takes a bite of the apple and says "" fuck me, It tastes of oranges"" the man says yes and tells the the barman to turn it around a little bit and take another bite... The barman takes another bite. ""No way it tastes of bananas.... In amazement the barman says ""can you make it taste of pussy... the man replies. ""Give me a week, I'll see what I can do! A week later the man returns and orders a pint holding an apple. The Barman says ""is that it.. have you done it"" The man says ""yes"" he passes the apple and says ""take a bite"" The barman takes a bite and then spits the apple across the bar.. ""shouting fuck sake it tastes of shit"".. the man says ""yeah turn it around a little bit""" +11259,0,What do you call a fat donkey? A fonkey +11260,1,PMS jokes aren't funny... Period. +11261,2,"Doctor says to his patient ""you have cancer and Alzheimer"".. Patient looks at him and says: ""At least I don't have cancer.""" +11262,4,"A man visits a village A man visits a village and approaches the town clerk ""Have any great men been born in your joke of a town?"" And the clerk responded ""well no you foolish man. Only babies have been born in my town.""" +11263,0,I'm a great American for three reasons Because I'm: Brave Patriotic Humble And great at math +11264,7,I remember when I first used Reddit. Everything was new. To me there were no reposts. What a good 4 seconds +11265,1,Why should you never play cards with cats. Because they might be cheetahs. +11266,6,You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold. +11267,0,I was enjoying a variety of different barbecue items until I began choking It was the wurst. +11268,2,"HAPPY NEW YEAR! Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation." +11269,1,I want to start a shitty hip hop group... called Public Enema. +11270,1,"Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it... Guess I really am...independent." +11271,10,"Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'" +11272,1,My own specialty joke .... for the ladies ;) What do you call a gay man’s eyes....? GAYZERS +11273,1,Where do transgender people use the bathroom when they get old? Depends +11274,0,"Celebrating Columbus Day is like finding a $50 bill in someone's house and they ask, ""Where did you get that?"" ""I discovered it in your kitchen."" credit: Ali Siddiq" +11275,0,What would Joe Rogan be named if he used a certain product to grow a full head of hair? Joe Rogan. +11276,0,"At an ABBA festival, a fan went to the toilet & got stuck inside. When asked if she was okay she replied... Portaloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to" +11277,0,"My dad always told me dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Everyone was so surprised when I told them I wanted to be a pornstar. So now I have to follow a new career besides being a daycare worker. " +11278,0,"A biologist is doing research on a frog. He puts his research subject on his desk and says ""Jump"". The frog, obviously not too exited to be on a desk, jumps away. After the biologist writes down the results, he picks up the frog and cuts off his front-left leg. He lays the frog back on the desk and says ""Jump"". Again, the frog jumps. The landing is a bit off, but he jumped. The biologist now cuts the other front leg off, and lays it back on the desk. ""Jump"", he says. As scared as the frog is, he jumps again, landing on his mouth. The biologist writes it down, picks up the frog and cuts off his right-rear leg. Again, he says ""jump"". the frog jumps, although he does not come that far. The biologist writes it down again, and cuts the last leg off the frog. ""jump"" he says. the frog does nothing""JUMP"" he says, harder this time. the frog still stays in place. The biologist picks up his notebook, and writes down: Conclusion: After cutting off all the limbs of a frog, said frog will become deaf." +11279,2,How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time? I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud. +11280,0,President Trump just announced an new tax break for producers of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again. +11281,0,What's the difference between NYC and Middle-Earth? Two towers. +11282,0,What do you call a scientist that measures things in space? A cosmetrologist. +11283,0,What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!! (someone date me please) +11284,0,"Durex condoms advertise with the slogan ""now easy-on"" But surely what their customers want is ""now hard-on""" +11285,0,"Meteorology class was cancelled due to snow today, so I stayed home to practice tying a rope. I promised myself even if I can't go to school, I will learn weather or knot." +11286,2,Why was Trump excited to move into the Whitehouse? Because he loves kicking black families out of government funded housing! +11287,1,"If you ever feel like your life is useless, just remember that it's someone's job to install blinkers into BMW's" +11288,1,What is the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-vaxxer? Anti-vaxxers don't like to stick 'em while they're young. +11289,0,"She never said much. I looked at her, on one cold autumn day in Georgia. Her hair was like fresh straw straight off a barn’s floor. Her eyes were like pearls gazing into the great beyond. Being the lucky man I was, I looked at those beautiful eyes, and talked to her everyday, and oft bring her flowers to make her feel good inside. And o, she’d look me right in the eye as I spoke. But she never said much. I knew she had a love for me though, and I could always return that love. I kept coming to her place for days upon days, and sometimes we even laid upon her bed together. But she never moaned when we had pleasure. She never said much at all. One day, the cops came and busted me for something I swear I didn’t do. But alas, I knew even 6 months away couldn’t keep us apart for long. And so time passed, day after day, week after week, month after month... until one day. Eventually, after all the paperwork was sorted out in court, I finally got out of court. But then I went back to court for an announcement I’d made plans for. I’d marry that girl. I loved her, and she loved me. Our parents supported us no matter what. And so the law twisted around me once again. And hence we both laid back on our earthen beds together once more, but this time for life. We were meant to be together; whether it meant serving time for fucking my sister’s corpse or not, because we were a happy family either way." +11290,5,"A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”" +11291,0,What happens if you can't pay your bill at the whorehouse? You have to wash the douches +11292,0,"In high school, I was a virgin by choice. Just, not *my* choice." +11293,1,"The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar. It was a tense situation." +11294,0,"A vegan, A crossfitter, and an atheist walk into a bar... How do I know? They can't shut up about it." +11295,0,"What did the road say to the chicken? ""If you cross me it will be the last thing you do!""" +11296,3,"3 Wishes? One day a guy walked out of a bar after celebrating his divorce and tripped over an old bottle, as it broke open a genie rushed out. He let the guy know he would gladly grant 3 wishes to him. However, what ever he wished for his ex-wife would get double. Immediately after hearing this, he asked for a mansion on the beach. He asked with very specific details. BOOM!!! His wish was granted. As he walked through the mansion and out to see the beach, he was pleased. Until he looked next door. There was his ex-wife with his exact mansion, except bigger and better. The next wish was for a billion dollars. BOOM! He was surrounded by money. He thought for a bit, looked next door, and his ex-wife had twice as much. After a few more days, he finally made his last wish. He looks at the genie and he says forcefully, ""I want you to beat me half to death!""" +11297,1,What do you do when your mother-in-law waddles in the backyard? Shoot again. +11298,3,"A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’" +11299,2,"What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common? They just wanna watch the world burn" +11300,0,I wanted to warn you guys that there are aliens abducting people with big penises. Most of you don’t have to worry but I just want to let you know... This spaceship is freakin AWESOME! +11301,0,What's a pirates favourite mode of transportation? An Arrrr.V +11302,0,Time travelers protest What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? It really doesn't matter! +11303,0,Why did the chicken cross the road To get too the other side lmao memeboi +11304,2,Why did the Muslim only order a side of french fries? Because he prefers his food Allah carte. +11305,3,I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me. +11306,0,If Samsung made a car what features would it have that Apple's wouldn't? A Self-Destruct Button +11307,1,"Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver... the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it." +11308,2,"What does a Dark Souls player say when they meet someone? ¿Hola, como Estus?" +11309,2,"Thanos, Hulk, and IronMan created a group chat... ..It’s named SnapChat" +11310,4,"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day, said my wife. I said, ""Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."" ""Aww, thanks babe,"" she replied. I said, ""It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight.""" +11311,2,"Got real emotional Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, don't know why, just started filling up." +11312,0,What is Pope Benedicts favourite breakfast item? Eggs. +11313,0,What’s a communist’s favorite baseball team? The Reds +11314,2,"One day a little girl was watching cartoon when a porno came through The little girl asked her mom ""What are they doing?"" The girls mom said ""baking a cake."" Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out And the girl said ""Look mommy they are baking a cake!"" The next day the girl says ""Mommy you and Daddy were baking a cake last night."" Her mom replied ""how did you know?"" The girl said ""because I licked the icing off the sofa!""" +11315,0,I just figured out my girlfriend is a shizophrenist She keeps telling me to be my self +11316,0,How did the Romans eat their spaghetti? One spaghettus at a time +11317,1,I've been reading this book about anti-gravity... I can't put it down. +11318,1,Three ticks are living in a girls vagina The first tick says “You know what? I’m gonna become an electrician so it won’t be so dark in here” The second tick says “I’m gonna be a plumber so it won’t be so wet in here” The third tick says “I’m gonna be a boxer” the other ticks look at him confused and ask him why would he want to be a boxer? He says “Because if that bald motherfucker comes in here and spits in my face one more time I’m going to knock him out” +11319,5,Two guys walk into a bar. Psyche! It's just another United Airlines joke. +11320,1,Do you know why Trump's name is on all of his buildings? So the banks know which ones to take back! Ha cha cha!! +11321,2,"I probably would have made the same choice... An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. ""Where did you get such a great bike?"" asks the first engineer. The second engineer replies, ""Well, I was walking along yesterday, just minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, laid on the ground, and said to me that I could take whatever I wanted."" The second engineer nods approvingly and says, ""Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway.""" +11322,0,Being PC In a bid to be more politically correct a funeral home has announced plans to use new funeral cars. They have set plans to introduce the new line as his and hearse funeral cars. +11323,4,What's Sherlock's favourite type of rock? Sedimentary my dear Watson... +11324,2,"Where's your assistant? A man walks in to his local butchers and asks, ""What happened to your assistant? He was a lovely, young boy"" ""Oh, I had to fire him"" replied the butcher, ""He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer"" ""Really?! What happened to the bacon slicer?"" ""Oh... I fired her too.""" +11325,2,I'm halfway through this braille muder mystery. I've got a feeling someone's about to die. +11326,1,I would make a joke about pencils... But I dont want to +11327,0,What's orange and white and stops at sunlight? Gingers +11328,1,"so a Gorilla a Mother and a Child walk into a bar The Gorilla took a shot, the mum got arrested for child endangerment " +11329,7,"A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together. The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.” The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.” The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.” The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.” The masochist says, “Meow.” " +11330,1,Why couldn’t the hacker cross the sea ? The port was closed. +11331,0,Marvel is set to reboot Spiderman again. No word on who will play Peter Parker as his parents haven't picked out a name yet. +11332,0,What do you call a Mormon at a rave? An LDS on LSD +11333,2,I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal... ..turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before. +11334,3,How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None it's a hardware problem +11335,3,"By Legalizing Same-Sex Marriage and Cannabis, We Finally Interpreted the Bible Correctly “**A man who lays with another man should be stoned.**” [Leviticus 20:13 esv]" +11336,3,"Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes. And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!" +11337,2,What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America. +11338,0,I've decided that I like the alt-right It feels good to jerk my dick with my left hand from time to time. +11339,1,What's black and smells? Marmite. +11340,5,"How many Fingers ? A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head. A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. ""How many fingers have I got up?"" She suddenly bursts into tears. ""Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any""" +11341,0,Have you heard the one about the cake that makes women.... stop giving head? It's called Wedding Cake. +11342,1,Knock knock Who's there? Doctor +11343,0,Three men walk into a coffee shop... Three men walk into a coffee shop. Each orders a cup of coffee and proceeds to add an odd number of lumps of sugar - 12 lumps altogether. How many lumps of sugar went into each cup of coffee? . . . The first man had one lump of sugar. One is an odd number. The second man also had one lump of sugar. That is still an odd number. The third man asked for ten lumps of sugar. Ten is a very odd number of lumps of sugar for a single cup of coffee! +11344,0,"So I'm bartending And these strings come in and start making out. I leave them alone and go about my business. Within 2 minutes they are just going at it, I still leave them alone. My manager comes up to me and asks ""why are you allowing them to continue to disrupt everyone with this?"" I respond ""why the fuck knot?""" +11345,0,What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my cock in someones ass. +11346,2,"Have you heard about that new movie, Constipation? Of course not, it hasn't come out yet." +11347,1,Jack and the dog So jack was crying because his dog died and his mother walked up to him and said”oh jack why are you crying you didn’t cry when grandpa died” on which jack responded with”I didn’t buy grandpa from my allowance +11348,1,How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. There is only one light. Your true lord and saviour Jesus Christ. +11349,3,What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile. +11350,0,Vegan jokes thread Q: What do Tofu And Dildos Have In Common? A: They're Both Meat Substitutes! ------------------------------------------ Q: What does a vegan zombie eat? A: GRAAAAINNNS!! Feel free to submit yours below lol +11351,2,What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in. +11352,0,A man with 10 hands tries to get employed He gets hired because he's so handy +11353,1,What's the best way to eat Reese's puffs? Witherspoon +11354,1,"The little rooster It is a beautiful summers day when Rocky the rooster is taking his son out of the house for the first time. ""Son"" the rooster says, ""today you will become a man!"" The young rooster jumps up and down in pure excitement. ""What are we going to do dad!?"" ""Well son, my buddy Jeff told me there is a new chick arriving today at the farm at the end of the street and we, my son, are going to fuck her! You're gona love it!"" Exited dad and son rooster set on a journey to the farm at the end of the street. Along the road more roosters join them, all with the same goal. All have heard about the new chick and want to be among the first to fuck her. When they finally reach the house, the party of roosters has grown to about 10 roosters. Upon seeing this gang of roosters, the new chick immediately realizes what's going on and start to run for her life, which in turn enticed the roosters to set chase after her with the young rooster running next to his dad, yelling and laughing. After a few rounds of chasing this gorgeous young chick around the farmhouse, the little rooster yells: ""You were right dad, this is great! But I'm getting tiered tough so I'll just fuck one more round and then I'm heading home!""" +11355,0,What do you call a shed full of colored folk? Antique farm equipment! +11356,2,"Three men are stuck on an island when they stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie comes out, and he says that he will give them each one wish. The first man says ""I wish to go home."" The second man says ""I wish to go home as well."" The third man says ""I wish those other guys were back here, I'm lonely!""" +11357,5,How does Mario talk to the dead? With a luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes. +11358,2,Never make plans with a leper... They always flake. +11359,3,"A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook. But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet." +11360,7,"How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? Well, it's not hard." +11361,5,How did the hamburger introduce his daughter? Meet Patty. +11362,0,Why did the Pope fall down a flight of stairs? His cane didn't have a rubber tip on it. +11363,10,My housemates are convinced our house is haunted I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange. +11364,0,"I'm really disappointed that Jill Stein is not the female Wallstreet-corporate puppet of the 2016 US Presidential election... As I'll never get to use the term ""shill Stein""" +11365,3,What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Wuz Edit: Wuz not waz +11366,0,"Dirty people always think dirty. In a bath room, a boy touches a girl everywhere! You Know whose that boy? Stupid It's Lifeboy Soap! Dirty people always think dirty." +11367,0,"A Chinese Man and His Family... Are sitting down for dinner. The telephone rings and the father picks it up. The man on the other end of the line asks ""is Charles there?"" The father says ""I'm afraid you have the Wong number""." +11368,1,What do you call a gay guy flying a plane? The pilot. +11369,0,Why didn't Jose Fernandez take a shower on his boat He preferred to wash up on shore +11370,5,The worst part of gay couples adopting kids The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother. +11371,0,What do you call a woman who works at a hospital? Ivy. +11372,2,I was about to be hit by a bus and a Latino saved me. That is why Jesus is my Savior. +11373,0,"I asked my Spanish friend whether they actually pronounce their J's like H's He said ""yeah, ask any Juan""" +11374,0,How many people does it take to repost a joke on r/joke ? More than n+1 apparently :-o +11375,0,But Dad If A Tornado Came Through You Could Lose The House I'm a gambler. I'll take a spin. The odds are definitely in our favor. My dad just told me this when I mentioned the storms we had last night. +11376,2,Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines? Because of the tally ban +11377,2,"I screwed my crush the other day, it wasn’t pleasant Soda cans are really sharp" +11378,1,Does ny Thai girlfriend have a penis? Something inside me tells me yes. +11379,0,B:You can never be possessed by any demonic beings. G:Why? Is it because I am very religious? B:No! Its because you are always so salty +11380,0,"4Men There were 4 men on a building, 1 was Asian, 1 was Mexican, 1 was Black and 1 was white. The Asian said ""this is for my people,"" and jumped off. The Mexican said ,""this is for my people"" and jumped off. The black guy said this is for my people and threw the white guy off." +11381,0,"What 1 said to 11? ""Is that your brother?""" +11382,1,What's the most redundant thing during war? The red and blue in france's flag +11383,3,"I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens. But not as my full time job, just a way to make hens meet. " +11384,1,"Reasons why God never got tenure at the university. 1. He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no cited references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review. 5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. He had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop." +11385,0,I went to prison over a simple misunderstanding I thought my girlfriend said she wanted to go drown on me. +11386,0,I went to a war-themed party last night It was a blast. +11387,0,"A limerick in response to my detractors. People keep telling me this, it makes me sick: ""You don't know how to write a limerick!"" But I disagree. It's just- they can't see, That I do know how to write them." +11388,2,"The doctor asks ""Would you like to see the Misscarriage""? ""Of course I want to see my daughter,"" snaps Mr. Carriage." +11389,0,What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck. +11390,0,"It is my and my wife’s second wedding anniversary. She’s gonna be so surprised when... ... she opens an empty box with just a note in it “Morning gorgeous, I haven’t cotton you anything xxxx”" +11391,4,"4 year olds first pay check 4-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAY CHECK a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending! Young family moved to a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew all -gems-in-the-rough,"" more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing $10. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 ""pay"" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. the girlproudly replied, ""I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."" ""Oh my goodness gracious,"" said the teller, ""and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"" The little girl replied, ""I will, if those a##holes at the depot ever deliver the f###in; drywall""" +11392,1,Why did the Chinese President Xi Jinping decide to accept Hong Kong's declaration of independence? He was unable to resist their Honey Pot Operation. +11393,3,"CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign. Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth." +11394,2,"Everyday when I come to work.... Everyday when I come to work, I go and find a place to hide. Good workers are hard to find these days." +11395,1,"Two Jews emigrate from Russia. One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. One year passes and they get together at a restaurant to catch up. ""Moshe, I'm very lucky"" says his friend, ""I live in Haifa now where I own a supermarket. The weather is wonderful, and everyone is so kind. I truly have it made."" ""Izya, I am lucky as well. I live in Munich and work at a local crematorium, and you won't believe it, BUT I'M BURNING GERMANS!""" +11396,1,What is the difference between a bowling ball and a sorority girl? You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball +11397,3,Someone once told me I'm a sociopath. I'm not sure how I feel about it. +11398,0,"The difference between America & Iraq In America, you get stoned and be gay In Iraq, you be gay and get stoned" +11399,2,"Blind Golfers One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, ""we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead."" The firemen said, ""your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go."" The engineers said, ""can't you just golf at night?"" " +11400,4,"A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in. The German Shepherd Says: ""I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."" ""Good,"" says God, ""then sit down on my right side."" ""Doberman, what do you believe in?"" Asks God. The Doberman Answers: ""I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."" ""Aha,"" said God, ""you may sit to my left."" Then he looks at the cat and asks: ""And what do you believe in?"" The cat then answers: ""I believe you're sitting in my seat.""" +11401,5,"A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living. Billy proudly stands up and announces, ""My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."" The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said. Billy's mother says, ""Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"" " +11402,0,"If corn oil is made out of corn, olive oil is made out of olives, and vegetable oil is made out of vegetables... Then baby oil is made out of...NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" +11403,3,Tried dark humour last night. Nobody could see the punchline +11404,1,"An elderly driver . . . An elderly woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying some lipstick when the state trooper arrived. After taking a quick look around and inside of the car, he approached the blonde, “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the driver responded. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing” , the driver began. I was driving along this road when, from out of nowhere, this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…” “Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles.” He peeked inside the car again and added, “That was just your air freshener swinging back and forth.” " +11405,5,"I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking. As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”" +11406,4,"I'll tell you what I know about dwarves, Very little." +11407,3,What's the difference between your job and your wife In 10 years your job will still suck +11408,2,"A blonde, brunette and readhead are walking down a street... The redhead says ""Oh! Look at that dead bird!"" The blonde looks up and says ""Where!?""" +11409,1,What do we call a group of 12 atoms? Dozen matter. +11410,1,"Mom mom! In the school some people called me a liar! Shut up son, you don't even go to school. " +11411,0,I had a runny nose... So when I breathed in.. It was snot air. +11412,3,"A boy asks his father what alcoholism is The father says, ""Well let me explain it this way. See those two trees over there? An alcoholic would say there's four."" The son replies, ""But dad, there is only one tree over there.""" +11413,0,What do you award to someone who comments in a thread from a month ago? Reddit Old +11414,1,"Man walks into a library and asks the librarian, ""Hey! Can I get a chicken sandwich?"" The librarian admonishes him, ""Sir! This is a library."" He replies... ""Oh sorry, *^one ^chicken ^sandwich ^please!* """ +11415,0,What is Bezos favorite sport? Boxing +11416,1,"I told HR, “I am wearing t - shirts to work. Screw the dress code. “ “I have a right to bare arms.”" +11417,3,I tried to give iodine a full electron shell... ...but iodide. +11418,1,Why do spies care about the quality of their air and water? Because they're infiltration +11419,2,My wife told me to stop acting childish I told her to get out of my fort +11420,3,Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849? Because there’s gold in them/their hills! +11421,0,"Bought the wife a gift. Yesterday I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Rebecca. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Rebecca what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my dog craig looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Craig (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a soft dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The dog was making sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. · My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it !" +11422,0,What do you call a blowdart to the neck? A tranq-eotomy +11423,0,Don't call it a comeback... Because I came on her tits. +11424,3,What do Mexicans cut their pizza with? With little Cesars +11425,3,"Bubber has trouble finding a job... So he decides to see his therapist to try to help him find out what his problem is. He meets the therapist at his office and says, ""I'm having trouble finding a job, doc."" The therapist replies, ""And why do you think that is, Bubber? Have you had any interviews?"" Bubber: ""Oh, sure! Plenty! It's just that I never get hired, and I think it's because they think I'm a liar! How do I convince them I'm not a liar, doc?"" The therapist leans back in his chair and asks, ""And what is it exactly they think you're lying about?"" ""Well,"" says Bubber, ""whenever we get to the references part of the interview, I tell them I know everybody, just call anyone, anyone at all."" The therapist, with a confused look on his face, replies, ""Well there you are, Bubber, just stop exaggerating! List a few good references and get on with it."" Incredulous, Bubber says, ""But it's true, doc, I do know everybody!"" Therapist: ""Oh come now, Bubber, you and I both know you don't know everybody. How can that be?"" Bubber: ""I do though! I can prove it!"" The therapist, becoming a bit annoyed, says, ""Very well, Bubber, let's take care of this little delusion right now."" Smiling to himself, the therapist picks up his phone. He just so happened to be acquainted with Jack Nicholson, and he imagined Mr. Nicholson kept a pretty tight group of friends. He rings Mr. Nicholson's cell, and Jack answers. The therapist and Jack share a moment of small talk, and the therapist says, ""Actually, Jack, there's something I need your help with. I have a patient here who suffers from the strangest delusion that he, in actual fact, knows everybody."" Jacks laughter can be heard through the receiver and he asks, ""Oh yeah, what's his name?"" Therapist: ""Bubber."" Jack: ""OOHHH Bubber! Let me talk to that rascal!"" Perplexed, the therapist hands the phone to Bubber, and he and Mr. Nicholson share a brief, but very friendly conversation. It was clear that had known each other a very long time, and were very good friends. Bubber hangs up the phone and hands it back to the therapist. ""See doc?"" Surprised, but not shaken, the therapist says, ""Ok, so you know one famous actor. What about..."" the therapist thinks for a moment, ""What about Lady GaGa. You know her too?"" Bubber: ""Yup, talk to her often."" Therapist: ""Well that's easy enough to say, Bubber, since you know I won't be able to prove you wrong."" Bubber says, ""Well here's her number if you want to call her,"" and hands the therapist his cell phone with a number listed as ""GaGa."" Somewhat amused at what lengths his patients sometimes went to to validate their delusions, the therapist dials the number. When the female voice at the other end answers, the therapist introduces himself and asks if he might know with whom he is speaking. The voice on the other end says, ""How did you get this number?"" The therapist replies, ""I have a patient here who claims to know Lady GaGa and that this is her private number."" When the therapist gives the name of this claimant, the female voice exclaims, ""Bubber baby!! Put him on!"" The therapist switches to speakerphone and Bubber says happily, ""GaGa sweetie! How the heck are ya?"" Gaga: ""Great great! I never got a chance to thank you for your help with those lyrics! You know, the disco stick bit?"" The therapist nearly choked on the water he was sipping, and stared in amazement at Bubber. After wrapping up the conversation, Bubber says, ""Come on, doc, I'm telling ya. Everybody."" The therapist refuses to believe it. He decides to cut the crap and go in a totally new direction. Through his connections in the scientific community, he tracks down the number for the office of Stephen Hawking. He calls on speakerphone, and reaching the secretary, the therapist, trying to nip things in the bud, introduces himself and explains the situation. The secretary replies, ""I'm sorry sir, but surely you realize that Mr. Hawking is very busy, not to mention the difficulty his disability creates when it comes to communication, especially over the phone."" About to give up, Bubber whispers to the therapist, ""Just tell him it's Bubber."" The therapist rolls his eyes and says to the secretary sarcastically, ""Look, just tell him it's Bubber; he'll understand."" The therapist shook his head at how ridiculous he was making himself look. ""One moment please,"" says the secretary. Not 30 seconds later, a distinct mechanical voice comes over the phone and says, perfectly monotone and computer-generated, ""Bubber. It has been too long since you visited. How are you?"" Bubber, smiling, says, ""Steve you ol' robot, I'm great! Just looking for work right now. What's the latest theory you're working out?"" The conversation goes on for a bit, ends, and the therapist stares at Bubber. He doesn't say a word. ""This has gone quite far enough,"" he thinks to himself. He quickly looks up the number for the switchboard at none other than the White House. The operator answers, the therapist introduces himself, and asks ""How does one speak with the president?"" The operator laughs loudly and explains a long, drawn-out process. The therapist, glancing over at Bubber, who is looking amused with a half-grin on his face, says to the operator, ""You see, I have a close personal friend of the president here, and I know for sure that the president would be very disappointed. Could you let your superior know that Bubber is on the line?"" ""Just a moment,"" was the reply. The hold is quite a bit longer this time, but after a few minutes, an unmistakable voice comes over the phone. ""Bubber! Is that really you?! Man it's good to hear from you!"" Bubber smiles at the therapist, whose face was ghost white now, and says into the phone, ""Don! Oh, excuse me...President Don! Congratulations buddy, I knew you had it in you!"" The president replies, ""It is a great thing. A very great thing, I tell you. Listen, I have a lunch date with Vladimir, so I gotta run. Why don't you come out to Mar A Lago this weekend and we'll play some golf?"" ""I'm there buddy!"" said Bubber. The call ended, and Bubber sat back with his arms folded and looked at the therapist. ""Now do you believe me?"" The therapist was half-crazed at this point. Thinking he was going out of his mind, punching the keys on his computer like a wild man, he booked two tickets to Rome. The therapist and Bubber boarded their flight, and the pilot made a point to come shake hands with his ol' pal. The therapist couldn't bear to watch and tried to convince himself that this was an elaborate prank as each of the flight attendants spent time catching up with Bubber on their breaks. They finally landed in Rome, and caught a cab to the Vatican. It was great luck that there just happened to be a mass soon, and the Holy Father himself would be speaking from the balcony to an enormous crowd. People had come from all over the world. The therapist and Bubber enter the throng, and Bubber says, ""Stay here. I'll be back."" Bubber disappears into the crowd as he makes his way to the door of the tower from which the Pope would be speaking. To his utter amazement, the door opens, and Bubber steps in. At the balcony now, Bubber steps out with his friend Jorge, now known around the world as Pope Francis, and waves to the crowd. Bubber looks down and picks out the therapist from the crowd just in time to see him collapse in a dead faint. Bubber rushes down and slaps the therapist lightly on the face. The therapist comes to, and looks at Bubber in awe. Bubber smiles warmly and says, ""Sorry about that, buddy, I know it must've been a shocker to see me up there with the Pope."" The therapist shakes his head lightly and says with amazement in his voice, ""No, no, it's not that. Someone came up to me, pointed at the balcony, and said, 'Who ees-a that up a-there with Bubber?'""" +11426,0,What does a black pirate say to his friends? Don't use the hard arrrrrrrrrrr. Thats arrrrrrrrrrr word. +11427,2,"Stalin was quoted as saying ""Dark humor is like food..."" ""Not everyone gets it.""" +11428,5,My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night... She nearly took my fucking eye out. +11429,0,What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits and the hooker with diarrhea... +11430,0,What did the American revolutionist say to the British soldier after the Boston Tea Party? See you in tea! +11431,1,I saw that a fellow Redditor needed a liver. Lets just say (•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐□-□ / (⌐□_□) OP De-livered   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Not ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^a ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^true ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^story +11432,3,What do you call a bench full of white people? NBA +11433,2,What is brown and sticky? A stick +11434,2,I love playing Harry Potter make believe with my kid. That's why he lives under the stairs. +11435,2,I burned 3000 calories today. I really should have taken those brownies out of the oven sooner. +11436,0,"What do you call a man of color who delivers mail? A Blackmailer. No, it's a mailman, you fucking racist." +11437,0,"You have been listening to a presentation by me, Stephen Hawking Good night and God bless" +11438,1,What gets wet as it dries? A woman with a blow-dryer fetish +11439,2,What's a balloon's least favorite music? Pop. +11440,1,"Two Hobos Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, “Gee, I wish could do that.” His companion replies, “Well, maybe you should start by petting him first.”" +11441,4,"I told my girlfriend that I thought the world was flat She asked me if I was stupid and I said no babe, you're my whole world" +11442,1,Where there's a will there's a grave. +11443,0,A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle . Always wet but nothing to ride +11444,0,Chinese restaurants are the hipsters of internet edginess. They're the OG of no forks given. +11445,2,How do you spot the blind guy at a nudist colony? It’s not hard. +11446,0,"If I ever am sent to prison I'll change my name to Mitochondria... So only the smart prisoner's will beat me up. So, sorry." +11447,7,"When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend... Then I saw the next two letters..." +11448,3,I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water. My doctor says I have selfie steam issues. +11449,3,Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday. +11450,0,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef +11451,5,I'm seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania. I've been taking something of value away from every session. +11452,0,Why is the flying Dutchman called like that? Because the Dutch are always high +11453,7,Why did the hipster drown? He went ice skating before it was cool. +11454,2,What is Whitney Houston's best coordination???? hannnnnnnnd eyyyyyeeee +11455,2,Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quack. +11456,0,I always wanted to be a baker But I never had the dough +11457,0,Gambling with other people's money makes me feel less responsible Mainly due to the fact I want to waste their money and secondly I like people get screwed! +11458,7,"A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like to see him. The manager, who sits in a giant glass office on the bank floor, welcomes the man and then asks him how he gets $1,000 to put in every day. The man tells him ""well, I make a lot of bets and that's where all the money is from."" The manager doesn't believe how he can make all that money just by betting, so the man says ""okay then, I bet you $1,000 I can bite my eye."" ""bullshit! That's impossible."" Says the manager, and places $1,000 on the table. The man takes out his glass eye, bites it, and takes the money. ""Okay, that's not fair to you. You didn't know I had a glass eye. I bet you double that I can bite my ear!"" The manager thinks that it's impossible and is desperate to make his money back. ""Deal."" The man then takes out his dentures and bites his ear. The manager is embarrassed and upset he's lost all that money on a stupid bet. The man notices this and says ""Okay, you seem upset. I'll make it up to you fair and square. Tomorrow I'll come back and I bet you $5,000 I can guess what color underwear you're wearing."" The manager thinks this over and sees that there's no way the man will be able to guess and agrees. He later goes shopping for the craziest, most colorful pair of underwear he can find. The next day, the man is back in the manager's office. The manager goes ""Alright then, try and guess what color I'm wearing. I'm more than certain that you'll never be able to."" ""White."" The man says. The manager jumps up, takes the money, and yelps ""AHA! WRONG!"" and pulls down his pants to reveal rainbow colored underwear. The man jumps up and yelps ""AHA! I WIN!"" The manager is confused and says ""what are you talking about? You guessed wrong and lost the bet."" ""Yeah, I lost that bet. But I also bet all your employees out there watching that I could get you to pull down your pants.""" +11459,0,What’s the same about the Eagles and a mailman? They both won’t deliver on Sunday. +11460,0,I took an economics quiz Apparently when it asked what are the margins half inch on sides and inch on top is not correct. Brought my ruler out and everything. +11461,4,"There was a family of moles underground. They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says “wow, I smell sugar”. The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims” wow I smell glucose!” Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says “ holy cow I smell fructose!” The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said “ all I smell is molasses”" +11462,3,How can you get stung by the alphabet? A bee. See? +11463,3,How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her as an alter boy +11464,2,Why wasn't the little poo sad when he didn't win gold or silver at the poolympics? He was happy with turd place. +11465,0,Christianity is better than pagan religions... ...it only observes ritualistic cannibalism. +11466,4,Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because their boobs are too big for b-shells! +11467,4,"A joke from Ukraine The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask: What the hell has happened? There was a man shitting on the rails. You should've smashed him. We have smashed him. We caught up with him in the cornfield. ____________________________________________________ My English is not great, feel free to suggest edits." +11468,2,What do you call a family that likes to sleep? Nap Kin! +11469,0,They should've let ISIS into the Rio Olympics It could have been a blast. +11470,0,"A Vegan, a teacher, and a Crossfitter are at your party... Which one tells you first? " +11471,5,"What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe." +11472,0,A man enters a bar.. and then he drinks some water. +11473,0,Are you from Africa? Cause Kenya stop? African hate you. +11474,1,"What's the definition of a Yankee? NSFW Same thing as a ""quickie "", only you do it yourself.""" +11475,2,"So a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe...... They have a good few drinks and get rather drunk. After many more straight whiskeys and ales the giraffe finally gives up the ghost and passes out beside the bar.. The guy feeling he’s not too far behind, finishes his last whiskey and turns to leave picking up his coat. The barman says sharply “you can’t leave that lyin’ here”. The guy turns slightly and slurs over his shoulder “it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”." +11476,4,"'Come fourth, John' Jesus said, 'and I will give you eternal life.' John came fifth and won a toaster." +11477,7,I hate immigrants... If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there... +11478,5,"Three samurai A Japanese man was looking for samurai so he put up a job advertisement. Three samurai, a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai came to his house the next day. The man asked them ""Show me what you've got. Chop this fly."" The Japanese samurai took out his sword and in a plume of air the fly fell to the ground split in half. The man said, ""Very good."" The Chinese samurai took out his sword and in a plume of air another fly fell to the ground, split in half. The man said, ""Very good."" The Jewish samurai stepped forward and took out his sword and swung it. But the fly was still alive. When the man asked him what he did to the fly, the Jewish man simply said, ""Any samurai can cut a fly, but it takes a real one to circumcise it."" " +11479,1,"I work in a Cajun restaurant and people always ask what the alligator tastes like. I tell them it tastes great, but we make ours out of baby alligator so it has a little bite to it." +11480,1,If attacked by a mob of clowns go for the juggler. +11481,1,Who is Laura Mercy? And why do they mention her in every Reggae song? +11482,2,"Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time...... ....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned. “I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”. The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.” “Ok, question 1. Where was Jesus born?”. Nun #1 steps up and says “Bethlehem”. “Correct, in you go.” says St Peter. “Now question 2. What was the name of the person who built the Arc?”. Nun #2 shouts out “Noah”. “Correct in you go” says St. Peter. “The last question, what were the first words Eve said when she first saw Adam”. Nun #3 scratches her head thinking and looking worried she says to St Peter “Hmmm that’s a hard one”. St Peter replies “Correct in you go.”" +11483,1,"Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ... The one old guys says, ""Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"" Simon replies, ""Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."" ""That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"" ""I'm going to put up a big statue of Adolph Hitler."" ""WHAT?? Are you meshuggeneh!!?? He killed 6 million Jews!! Why on Earth would you put up a statue of Hitler???"" ""Oh, I owe everything to Hitler! Look ... [rolls up his sleeve] ... he gave me the winning numbers!"" " +11484,1,What do you call a navy church A place of warship +11485,0,What is Sonic the Hedgehog's favorite time of the year? Lent. Because he has more opportunities to go fast. +11486,0,"What were Macho Man Randy Savage's last words? ""OOHhhh NOOOOooooo""" +11487,0,I am deaf and I am not 100% American. My ears are made in China. +11488,0,"So the spelling bee rolled around at my school... (Sponsored by EA) So the words were all from the Merriam Webster dictionary, but to my surprise, you had to pay $6.99 for each vowel or spell 15 words correctly to get enough points to earn a vowel. I said “ for real?! The vowels are the most important part of the English language!” They said “The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different characters.”" +11489,2,"A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, ""Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"" The golfer says, ""I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"" The man says, ""It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."" The golfer looks at the man and says, ""I understand!"" He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard. The man says, ""What is that for?"" The golfer replies, ""I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every Dick should have two balls""" +11490,5,"A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed, '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...'" +11491,3,I went to a club for sufferers of premature ejaculation and no one was there... Guess I came too early. +11492,2,What does chromosomes like to wear? Genes. +11493,0,This is a joke my 3 year old niece told me today. Her: What's under the grass? Me: Dirt. Her:What's under the dirt? Me: Worms? Her: A slide. Me: A slide to what? Her: A slide to the poop! The imagination of a 3 year old. +11494,1,What does a dead hooker and a flat beer have in common... No head. +11495,2,My mate with a really bad stutter My mate with a really bad stutter told us a story about his Nan the other day. By the time he'd finished we were all singing Hey Jude. +11496,0,I started a support group for those suffering from porn addiction We can beat it together. +11497,0,"My friend wanted to eat at Trump Tower My friend wanted to eat at Trump Tower because she heard there was a $20 buffet. She was excited to go and get eggs and say she's egging at Trump Tower, but it turned out to be $100 so she didn't go. I said the yokes on you, only the whites get in." +11498,3,"Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof. Suddenly, Nobody falls off. ""Quick!"" Nothing says. ""Call an ambulance!"" So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: ""Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!""" +11499,0,What pistol goes good on a baked potato? SIG Sauer cream. +11500,6,"If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code... ...they'd even know my birth year!" +11501,0,What do you call a colour doing a chemistry degree? Cyantific. +11502,1,People may think if its necessary for ships to have sails... I would say its a mast. +11503,0,What does a KKK members favorite drug look like? White powder! +11504,7,"A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and..... A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ""About 2 hours."" The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looked around at the shop and said, ""About 3 hours."" The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looked around the shop and said, ""About an hour and a half."" The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, ""Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."" A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ""So, where does he go when he leaves?"" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ""Your house!""" +11505,3,I should name my dog Ariana Grande That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande +11506,3,"A father and son were at the park The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said ""that's how puppys are made"". The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said ""this is how babies are made"". The son replys ""well can you flip her over I want a puppy""." +11507,0,In a few weeks its fathers day down under! So in preparation... What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese! +11508,1,"The birds and the bees Little Johnny's father calls Johnny in for a chat, and tells him he is about to talk to him about the birds and the bees. Johnny immediately burst into tears and starts bawling his eyes out. ""What is the matter?"" asks the father Somehow in between the tears johnny answers: ""When I turned 10 you called me in for a talk and told me that Easter bunny wasn't real. Then when I turned 11, you called me in to tell me that Santa Claus isn't real. And if you now tell me that sex is not real too, I have nothing left to live for!"" " +11509,0,I hate auto-correct. Its my worst enema. +11510,3,What do you call a woman in an Iron Man suit? Fe-Male +11511,2,Doctor: You have a rare disease. Me: How rare? Doctor: You get to name it. +11512,0,"A bald woman with only three strands of hair on her head, walks into a salon. The stylist is confused, and asks the lady what procedure she wants to undergo. ""I just came here for a little trimming,"" the woman says. The stylist is a little taken aback, but thinks she'll get money for doing basically nothing, and so agrees to the task. However, as she's trying to trim the hair, one of the strands breaks. ""I'm so sorry!"" The stylist cries out. The woman considers the predicament for a while, and then says, ""it's okay. You can just braid my hair together I guess."" Again, the stylist is surprised but tries to adhere to the request. However, yet another strand breaks. At this, the woman quietly gets up, gathers her belongings and exclaims, ""You know what? I think I'm just gonna leave my hair open.""" +11513,1,How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it. +11514,1,My son just told me what he thought LGBT stood for L - Let’s G - Get down to B - Buisness T - To defeat the huns +11515,6,Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678 +11516,1,"Septic Tanks As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say ""Amen,"" ""Praise the Lord,"" and ""Glory."" I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, ""I ain't never seen anything like that before...and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for more'n 20 years.""" +11517,0,"Sometimes I where fake glasses, just because I feel it makes me look smarter. Shit... how do you edit titles again on this site?" +11518,9,My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes +11519,1,"a blonde at a vending machine A blonde comes to a vending machine, then she inserts a coin inside. She pushes a button and the vending machine releases a drink. The blonde puts the drink at the top of the vending machine, inserts a coin again, presses the button again and places another drink at the top. After this happens several times another person says to the blonde: ""Madam, there are several other people waiting for a drink."" The blonde replies: ""Shhh! Can't you see I am WINNING now?""" +11520,6,I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers. What are the odds? +11521,0,"A guy threw away his coffee because it was too cold... And an angry young lady walked up to him and said ""Oi, starving children in Africa could've drank that coffee you just threw away!"" So the man said ""They could've drank the semen I threw away too.""" +11522,0,This elections aftermath has sent me to the hospital My Schadenboner has lasted well over 4 hours since last Tuesday night. +11523,1,Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre... +11524,0,Two scientists walk into a bar Scientist 1: I'll take H2O. Scientist 2: I'll take H2O too. He died +11525,2,First time printing 3D on a screen **D** **D** **D** +11526,2,"My robot was malfunctioning. He had developed a dangerously shocking personality, so I grounded her for a week." +11527,5,"One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ""What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"" he said to himself. "" And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident"" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: ""Oh my God!"" All at once time stood still. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: ""You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"" The atheist looked directly into the light, ""It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a believer?"" ""Very well,"" said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: ""Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty , Amen.""" +11528,0,What is a politician's favorite kind of tea? Infideli-tea. +11529,0,I like my men like I like my chess players... They know how to make an opening. +11530,4,Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs. +11531,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? It was actually a double cross. He had to cross the road in order to gain the trust of the other side. +11532,1,"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs? ""Yes, we are son.""" +11533,0,"Have you ever taken that underwater taxi before? You know, Scuber." +11534,0,This monday there will be a solar eclipse at 10am... Followed shortly after by funeral proceedings for the Flat Earth Society. +11535,0,Why does Jabba the Hutt have a greenish face? So he won't be confused with Donald. +11536,1,"Two hunters were in the woods They were on their way back from hunting when one of the hunters suddenly blacks out. The other hunter immediately called 911 911: ""911 whats your emergency?"" Hunter: ""my friend paased out, I think he is dead!"" 911: ""Ok, the first think you need to do is make sure he is dead"" The hunter says ""ok"" and sets the phone down. *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* Hunter: ""ok, now what?""" +11537,0,i got sexy harnessed! I was sexual ly harassed once back in 2012...... By myself.. I didnt want to jerk off but i still touched myself. I was assaulted. But not sympathy for me! +11538,4,"Hellmann's Most people don't know that back in the early 1900's, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was actually manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 15,000 jars of the condiment destined for Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call after its stop in New York. At the time this was to be the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. ​ But as we know, the Titanic did not make it to New Your. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning. ​ That National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo" +11539,2,I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me. +11540,2,What's the difference between Def Leppard and Bon Jovi? An arm +11541,0,"I'm not the male chauvinist one God is, he is the one that made women inferior." +11542,0,"Two bears and three bears walk into a bar... The bartender says: ""what can I get you kind folks?"" The bears respond: ""Oil price over the past decade""" +11543,3,What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you. +11544,1,"Why did the Addams have the late man arrested? He was expected on Tuesday, but he came on Wednesday." +11545,3,What is a kid with asthma's favorite band? Weezer +11546,1,I finally quit drinking . . .at about 3 o'clock in the morning. (You guys can have that one.) <3 +11547,2,I'd tell you a joke.about the fear of navigational errors But I'm afraid it'd be lost on you. +11548,0,How does an optometrist count? 1... 2... that's 1 again... 2... or how about 3? +11549,0,Do you have home insurance? Cause I'm gonna smash your back doors in tonight. +11550,0,Muhammad Ali's epitaph was revealed this morning. Ali ByeBye. +11551,4,The Lesbians Nextdoor The lesbians nextdoor asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said I wanna watch. I was disappointed when they bought me a Rolex. +11552,2,"My ex and I used to always argue about the same thing. She’d say, “I’m NOT your girlfriend.” " +11553,3,My girlfriend got a new tattoo.. It's of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean. +11554,7,"Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language: ""Need help finding a size?"" = Please stop fucking up my display ""I can put that back for you"" = you're going to fuck up my display ""Let me hold your items for you"" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display" +11555,1,"There was once a guy who was obsessed with tractors. There was once a guy who was obsessed with tractors. One day he fell off his tractor and never went on one again. He came home one day and found his house on fire. Taking a deep breath, he blew away all the smoke. ""How'd you do that?"" Asked his wife. The man replied ""I'm an ex-tractor fan""" +11556,0,A lot of people are finding nut butters to be very reliable It must have something to do with their consistency. +11557,2,"My friend accidentally shot off his toes. He told me to take him to the hospital,But I can't I'm Lack-toes-intolerant." +11558,3,What Did Cinderella Say When She Got To The Ball? Nothing...she just gagged a little. +11559,0,"Hey, what are you doing in my closet? \\- I'm waiting for the plane. \\- What plane? \\-The plane you're goind on a business trip today." +11560,5,What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop? Polish remover +11561,1,What do you call a drug-addicted vampire? Crackula +11562,1,I was caught masterbating on a plane. I'm being charged with hi-jacking +11563,3,"A lady asks her pharmacist, ""do you have cotton balls?"" ""Yes..."" She interrupted, before he could continue. ""Oh, I bet it's really quiet when you f*ck!!""" +11564,2,I'm a bisexual who just broke up and is now single. I guess you could say I'm on standbi. +11565,1,How do Jewish turtles greet each other? Shellom. +11566,0,"Steven Hawking, seconds from death, fell into a black hole. ""Aha! I've arrived in the nick of time""" +11567,6,"The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills. ""OK,"" I replied. ""I'm hired.""" +11568,0,They should sell Dragonball themed mayonnaise... ...call it Kameha-Mayo. +11569,1,"Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across..... ... they were Ruthless" +11570,0,You guys hear about that new Amish rapper? TWO CHURNZ! +11571,0,"Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street One says “look, a twenty dollar bill!” The other replies “no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up”." +11572,4,"A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, ""Come Again!"" The blonde says, ""No, it's toothpaste" +11573,3,"what was the question ? A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents ""Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"" The parents are very happy and ask, ""That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"" Sticking out his chest, the boys says, ""Who farted?"" " +11574,2,"A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane. The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash. Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose getting the parachutes. The Lieutenant says, ""I'm an officer, and my position is much more important. I'm taking one of those parachutes!"" The Lieutenant grabs a bag and jumps out of the plane. The Private looks to the 1st Sergeant and boldly says, ""Go ahead 1st Sergeant, take the last parachute. They need you more than they need me."" The 1st Sergeant chuckles and says, ""Don't be silly Private. Grab a parachute and let's go. The Lieutenant jumped with my rucksack.""" +11575,0,"An Australian was recently asked to describe the current relationship between North and South Korea He described it as, “Stale, mate.”" +11576,2,My computer was broken I tried slamming it against the wall. It crashed. +11577,0,I'm in the process of an experiment to figure out how to make a dog eat semen... ..the results are cuming on a treat. +11578,1,"2019 Everest Climbing Season is like a M. Night Shyamalan Movie They are all dead, they just don't know it yet." +11579,1,"Why do people hate clowns so much? I don't know, maybe it's your face." +11580,3,I got this joke for my girlfriend Best trade I ever made +11581,2,"Ducks Me and my three friends all died and went to heaven(luckily)when we all arrived at the gate to heaven an angel told us that we could do whatever we wanted except no stepping on ducks. We all replied with That’s easy thanks and walked away. After a little bit one of the friends walked away. When he came back he was with a super ugly girl. We all asked what happened, “I stepped on a duck”. Next friend goes comes back with an ugly girl “stepped on a duck.” Third friend comes back with a super hot girl. We all asked “what happened?” The girl said” I stepped on a duck.”" +11582,3,Two blondes walk into a bar You would think the second one would notice +11583,0,Ever wonder why there are no Democratic Presidents on Mount Rushmore? Neither did I. +11584,0,Rest in Peace Lannan..... 😭 +11585,6,"The old Mailman A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years. So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work. At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars. At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath. The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, ""I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"" The lady replied, ""I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea.""" +11586,2,"My mom taught me kissing gets you pregnant So when I fuck people, I don't use tongue" +11587,5,A cheese factory exploded earlier Witnesses say de brie was everywhere +11588,0,A jewish man walks into a bar... Just kidding it's a gas chamber +11589,3,"For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it." +11590,2,"Knock knock ""Who's there?"" ""Low octane ratings"" (Sorry, I heard this in my engine rebuilding class and it was kinda funny at the time...sorry...)" +11591,1,Snapchat and basketball are pretty similar for me. Screen. Shot. Get. Blocked. +11592,8,"People often say ""icy"" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, i see why." +11593,1,An Indian kid tried to walk into a bar But he couldn't because the bar was set too high +11594,1,Did you hear that the new Nintendo Switch controllers were a scam? Turns out that they were a joy con. +11595,3,I once dropped my laptop into the lake Now it’s just a dell rolling in the deep +11596,1,"How many men does it take to open a beer bottle? None, she should bring it to you open." +11597,0,It's strange how getting a fever can alter your perception of balance... From my point of view the Jedi are evil. +11598,0,"Buzzfeed's latest article: ""This man poked a wire in a power outlet and turned on the switch..."" ""What happens next will shock you!""" +11599,4,My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left. It's a 4 gone conclusion. +11600,2,"An art student in Germany applies for a Fine Arts Academy. The headmaster assures the student that his work is great, and his mind is exceptional. But he tells the student the university has already received too many students for this year so unfortunately his application is denied. The student grows a somber look on his face, leans in and says “Remember what happened last time you fuckers didn’t let someone into Art School?” And leaves with a scheming grin on his face." +11601,3,If EA made a console It would be the paystation +11602,2,Colleges are just like lightbulbs... The cheap ones work just as well. +11603,0,"An ugly woman is standing in the checkout queue of a store... Her two kids, ages 7 and 13 are with her. The guy behind her says: “You have two lovely kids, are they twins?” Upset, she asks: “How the hell can you think they are twins? Can’t you see the one is older that the other?” He replies: “ Yes I can, I just didn’t think that anyone would want to have sex with you twice.”" +11604,0,What is the gayest animal in the world? A squirrel. They go through their whole life finding nuts to bust or to shove in their mouth. +11605,1,Knock knock Who’s there Sorry I hoped no one was going to be home so I am going to leave now +11606,2,"A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived. ""Dear Ronald J. Kse, This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide. Thanks, your neighbors"" Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year. After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up. ""That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years"" said Ron. Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow. After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail. ""Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."" Ron sighs, but thinks ""Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."" Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited... The cleanup was far worse this year. ""But,"" Ron thought, ""there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."" Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy. She exclaimed ""Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"" ""No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..."" said R. Joe Kse" +11607,2,Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom these people are called dads +11608,2,What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator. +11609,0,"A priest, a rabbi and the President of the United States walk into a bar… And the bartender says “what is this, some sort of joke?”" +11610,2,What do rednecks like to do for Halloween? Pump kin +11611,0,"EA asked me what my favorite EA game is. I said, “I’m sorry but the Answer DLC is $5.99.”" +11612,3,Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses? The Clintons don't like ANY witn +11613,4,"I have sex daily Dammit, I mean dyslexia" +11614,0,What's a hippie's favorite breakfast? biscuits and groovy +11615,0,"What is the most feared tree in Israel? *Juniperus deppeana*, better known as the Alligator Juniper." +11616,4,What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file +11617,2,"A guy walks into a bar... with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. The monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender starts screaming at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball of my pool table - whole!” “Sorry”, replied the man, “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.” The man finishes his brink, pays, and leaves. Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry, stickers it up his ass, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asked. “Yeah”, replies the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed the cue ball, he measures stuff first.” Edit: I can’t spell. " +11618,0,What do blonde people living in Europe say when asked where they live? England is my city. +11619,0,I had plastic surgery today to remove a mole from my penis. PETA is furious. +11620,0,"An Australian tourist goes to a deserted island and meets an old man stranded there The old man tells him: ""My family left me here to die!"" The Australian replies: ""Don't worry mate, I'm sure they'll be back tomorrow.""" +11621,1,Most people can’t afford to collect French Impressionist art. They just don’t have enough Monet. +11622,4,Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? To get a long little doggie +11623,0,What do you call an abortion in the chek republic? What do you call an abortion in the chek republic? A cancelled check +11624,0,What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs? Just Dick. +11625,1,Wanted to go for a walk in the park today... I had to end up asking a drug cartel member to smuggle me in! +11626,0,I named my Penis asthma because it leaves bitches breathless. +11627,0,Do you know why Ben’s Gay? Mentholatum +11628,1,I lost 20lbs last week I was circumcised ! +11629,4,I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry My notes say adding water decreases concentration +11630,0,Why is pizza cooked on a round pan? Cause it's 360 degrees. +11631,0,In the USSR's School system it was very important not to fall asleep while the teacher was talking Or you would fail to achieve class consciousness. +11632,0,A Chinese man wanted to do a good deed to atone for a life of crime. So he turned himself self in and became an organ donor. +11633,4,What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say? I hear invoices! +11634,1,Wifi password? At a funeral.... Visitor : What's the wifi password here? Priest : respectthedead Visitor : all small letters? +11635,1,Every time I see a possum on the road I run it over... Just to make sure it's not faking +11636,0,What's the best part about having a grandmother with Alzheimer's? The birthday money every week. +11637,3,"One of my favorite childhood memories is my father coming out of the closet... It was a huge surprise to me that not just *one*, but *both* my fathers were gay." +11638,0,What's E.T. short for? Because he's got those stubby little legs. +11639,0,What does asking somebody if they've killed somebody have in common with asking somebody if they've ever fucked a fat chick? You're not likely to get somebody to admit they've done either unless you admit you've done it first. +11640,3,I'm like a wild animal in bed. You could even call me a sexual predator. +11641,2,"After the World War 2 Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting England. British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland. ""A few hundred thousand"" answered Ehrnrooth. ""Where in Finland are they stationed?"" The British general asked. Ehrnrooth answered: ""Two meters underground around the border.""" +11642,1,I've been trying to give myself a sexchange... but I just can't pull it off. +11643,1,I bought Deer Hunting 2 for half the price I got Deer Hunting 1... I got more bang for my buck! +11644,0,"My teacher said that unison isn't a proper word. That's ridiculous, she should know a unison is one buffalo standing by itself. If there are 2 buffalos then it's bison." +11645,0,Have you heard of the incredible farmer? He’s out standing in his field. +11646,1,My wife hates when I have a day off and she doesn’t. So she left me…........... A huge list of shit to do. +11647,0,"My GF brags about my ""abilities"" way too much. Sometimes she's so full of myself that her nose starts running." +11648,7,MOM! I'm being called gay in school. Who is calling you that son? A bunch of cute boys. +11649,0,"Boob Job A man and wife are laying in bed and she asks her husband if they can afford for her to get a boob job. The husband thinks for a minute and says yeah, we can afford it, but first I want you to try something. Every day for the next 3 months, take some toilet paper and rub it between your tits. If they haven't grown in 3 months, then we will pay for implants. She says well how the hell is toilet paper supposed to make my tits grow??? He says, well it worked on your ass!" +11650,1,Did you guys hear about the new Delta Airlines restaurant? You order your meal and its delivered to another table in Switzerland. +11651,3,"What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers? The feathers, because with the bricks you just carry 200 pounds, but with the feathers you've also got to carry the thought of what you did to those poor birds" +11652,1,"An atom walks to a bar He tells the bartender he lost an electron. The bartender says, ""Are you positive?""" +11653,0,1st time i ever met a girl who is afraid of the water But boy did she love to go down on the doc +11654,0,What vegetable exposed James Charles badly? A PoTati +11655,0,Calcium requires the least amount of work to mine. Because it is commonly found 6 feet underground. +11656,2,"A son asked his dad where kids were made. The dad replied: ""Everything is made in China. Except kids. They are made from the VaChina.""" +11657,3,Which blood type causes the most mistakes in hospital? Type-O +11658,8,What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences. +11659,2,"When does a joke reach ""dad joke"" level? When it's full groan!" +11660,0,I like my women like I like my psychiatrists... Jung. +11661,4,You hear about the Amish prostitute? She slept with 10 Mennonite +11662,1,"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care." +11663,2,Just went to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas I can't believe the currant exchange rate. +11664,1,Why should you stand in a corner when you are cold? Because it’s always 90 degrees. +11665,0,My Girlfriend blew me last night With Note 7 +11666,1,"The local sperm back is closed The sign outside says “beat it, come again later”" +11667,2,"I had a problem with my computer yesterday. I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Eric, the little bastard." +11668,1,"While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer... ... the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President. The old farmer said, "" Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, ""When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."" The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. ""You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.""" +11669,1,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +11670,0,"I remember when I was a young lad and visited China for the first time. I met a beautiful woman while I was there. After going to dinner and telling her about my home back in Europe, we went back to my place and made love. Looking back on it now, it seems so cheesy. White foreigner falling in love and having sex with the Chinese local. I suppose you could say I put the Cauc in Asian..." +11671,0,What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird +11672,4,Smoking I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in. Who lets a woman drive? +11673,1,"Pregnancy Chances Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either." +11674,2,"Two chemists go into a bar The first one says ""I think I'll have an H2O."" The second one says ""I think I'll have an H2O too"" — and he died." +11675,0,"On my 16th birthday, I got the family car. The birthday card envelope had the keys and a small, two-sided note read: Front- A Mercedes for Mercedes Back- This car is special. This is where you were conceived. Love Mom & Dad" +11676,0,"A man books a train ticket for 00:00 A man books a train ticket for 00:00 of the 28th, so he arrives at the station at 23:30. But at 23:59, the worst thing happens; the date changes to the 29th." +11677,1,I like pets. So I hired a dude to rub me while I watch tv. +11678,2,Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds fun! If you don’t know what either of those mean... +11679,6,"Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest, ... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, ""Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."" [my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German] " +11680,2,A Lion would NEVER drive while drunk. But a tiger wood. +11681,0,"The real reason we haven't been visited by aliens. ""So these earthlings, everything they do revolves around stimulating a sensory organ in order to trigger a pleasurable chemical response in their skull meat?"" ""Oh yes. Some of them can be quite extreme. There's a large subset of earthlings- they walk around with an overpriced 'smart phone' rectangle... thing. It has an apple symbol on it. It is clearly inferior to existing, easily obtainable, earthling technology. Yet they get them almost exclusively for the dopamine response they get in their skulls knowing other earthlings see them with one."" ""What species of earthling is that?"" ""They're called 'Trash.'""" +11682,2,If you think other jokes on this sub have blown up big.... wait until you sea mine! +11683,0,Off-season for traumatologists Is when motorcyclists no longer show up and snowboarders aren't showing up yet. +11684,4,"A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: ""Two Prostitutes – $50.00."" A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail. Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: ""Jesus Saves."" ""How come you don’t stop them?"" asked one of the girls. ""Well, that’s a little different,"" the officer replied… ""their sign pertains to religion."" The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: ""Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00.""" +11685,9,"A woman’s on vacation and calls home She asks her husband, ""How’s my cat doing?"" The husband says, ""The cat’s dead."" The woman’s upset and says, ""Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down."" ""Okay, I’m sorry,"" says the husband, ""I’ll remember that."" The woman says, ""Anyway, how’s my mother doing?"" The husband says, ""Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.""" +11686,0,"A man has a coupon for Buy one Get one. A man has a coupon for Buy one Get one. When he gets to the store, he sets to buy an 8 dollar item. He buys his item and picks up a second. At checkout, the cashier says he needs to pay 16 dollars. The man hands the buy one get one coupon, but the price stays the same. ""I have a coupon though!"" Yells the man, but the cashier says. ""You bought one, so you got one.""" +11687,0,"Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch." +11688,1,What do you call a nun who has a history or ruining her clothes in the wash? A bad habit. +11689,2,"What does Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common? They both say ""insert Bill here""" +11690,0,...my dog Rover used to chase policemen riding on a bicycle quite a lot... ...untill we took the cycle away from him! +11691,0,"The deer Population ""The deer Population is staggering""" +11692,0,Helium walks into a bar… Bartender: We don’t serve noble gasses here. He: didn’t react. +11693,2,"An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language. It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week. When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The man pulls the string on the right leg and the bird begins to single heavenly gospel music. She asked about the left one so he pulls it and the bird recites the Ten Commandments in detail. She asks the man “well, what if I pull both at the same time?” The bird screams “I’ll fall off the fucking perch!”" +11694,1,"Anal Sex was a bit like being given my first pair of roller skates Anal Sex was like my Uncle giving me my first Everton scarf, I didn't want... it but I knew I was going to get it anyway." +11695,1,What does a frog say when he's browsing r/Jokes? Reddit Reddit. +11696,2,"What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine." +11697,3,Showers are so horny. They get turned on by every naked person they see. +11698,1,The best student in my wine appreciation class is flamboyantly gay But then they say that distinctly fruity overtones are the mark of a good sommelier +11699,0,"What's the long, hard and have cum in it Cucumber" +11700,1,"An armless man walked into a bar and ordered a beer... When served, he asked the bartender to help him drink it by holding the glass.This was done cheerfully and then repeated twice. After the third beer, the customer asked the location of the men's room. The bartender pointed to the rear of the bar but intoned sternly,""You go there alone.""" +11701,1,"A priest is sinking into quicksand... A firefighter comes and ask him if he wants some help to get out of the quicksand. The priest answers: '' No thanks, I'm a believer and I'm sure God will send his help to save me''. Then the firefighter goes away. A bit later an entire fire truck comes and asks if they could help him cause he's already sunk until his hisps. But once again the priest refuses. When the priest is nearly sunk, the fire truck comes to help him but the priest refuses frankly and finally die. Once in heaven, the priest meet God and asks him: '' I've always believed in you, why didn't you save me? '' '' Are you kidding? '' answers God '' I send three times the firefighters! '' " +11702,1,"Sherlock Holmes Sherlock was requiring the assistance of Watson on a case. He knocks at the lavatory door, where Watson has been for the last half an hour. Sherlock- ""What's taking you so long Watson?"". Watson- ""nothing is coming out sir"". Sherlock- ""what do you mean?"". Watson- ""like no shit, Sherlock""." +11703,1,I hate thinking about the titanic It gives me a sinking feeling +11704,0,"I'm an animal lover and my GF just moved in. She is trying to get to know my dog, two cats, snake, and parrot. She is doing a great job so far with my help teaching her about their favorite foods. The dog likes chicken, the cats fish, the snake bread, and the parrots seeds. I had a business trip and she volunteers to take care of them. I got a frantic call saying the snake hasn't eaten in days. I said ""my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun""." +11705,1,The Farmer was careful to monitor the ratio of roosters to chickens He was trying to control ova population. +11706,1,"A man applies for a job at the zoo ... He'd always wanted to work for the zoo, so he goes up to the zookeeper and asks if there are any openings. ""No, sorry,"" said the zookeeper. ""We're not hiring."" ""But please,"" said the man, ""I've always wanted to work for the zoo. Are you sure there's no openings? I'll literally do anything!"" The zookeeper thought for a moment. ""Anything?"" he said. ""Anything,"" the man replied. ""Well,"" the zookeeper said, scratching his chin, ""we do have one thing, but it's a little weird. Are you sure?"" ""I'll do it,"" the man said. ""Just tell me what it is."" ""Well you see,"" the zookeeper said, ""one of our most popular exhibits is our gorilla exhibit, and unfortunately, Jack, our gorilla, died last week. Our patrons are going to be really disappointed unless we find a new gorilla. I know it's weird, but would you mind dressing up like a gorilla and staying in the cage until we find a new one?"" The man thought it sounded strange, but he agreed anyway. ""Maybe it'll be a springboard to other opportunities,"" he thought. So the next week, the man shows up to work dressed like a gorilla, and takes his place in the cage. Soon, people start flocking to the exhibit, and he discovers his newfound popularity. Embracing the role, the man decides to begin doing ""gorilla things,"" pounding on his chest, eating bananas, the whole nine yards. The crowds are eating it up, laughing and cheering. Soon, his exhibit is again the most popular in the zoo, with kids and parents pressing against the glass. ""Hmm,"" the man thought. ""This is fun. If they want a show, I'll give them a show."" Looking next door, he notices the lion cage, where a male lion sleeps in the sun. Looking toward the fence, he notices a tree in the gorilla cage, and a branch overhanging the lion's exhibit. With a burst of bravado, the man in the gorilla suit climbs the tree and walks out onto the overhanging branch, to gasps and ""oooohs"" from the crowd. Tossing aside his better judgment, the man begins to toss twigs at the lion, who wakes from his slumber, annoyed, as the crowd continues to cheer. ""They're really into this,"" the man thought. ""Let's kick it up a notch."" To further antagonize the lion, the man begins to shake the branch violently, harder and harder. Twigs, leaves and sticks are falling in the lion's face, who is growing madder and madder, roaring in aggression, and the crowd gasps in shock. ... Suddenly, the branch breaks, and the man tumbles to the ground inside the lion's exhibit. With bravado quickly turning to panic, the man looks up to see the lion, hunger in his eyes, begin to slowly approach. With each slow step, the crowd gasps in horror. Not knowing what else to do, the man in the gorilla suit gets up and starts to shout, ""Somebody help me! Help! Get me out of here!"" Suddenly, a quiet, raspy voice echoes from the lion: ""Shut up, pal, or you'll get us both fired!""" +11707,0,"I saw a guy down in Alabama acting very shamefully in public I said to him, ""Come on man, think of your mother"" ​ He gave me a confused look. ​ ""But I'm not masturbating right now.""" +11708,0,If you can't think of a poem for mother's day Mexico knows tequila Cuba knows rum Russia knows vodka And your mom knows cum! +11709,0,In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as 'I've blown the gasket on my 2000 Ford'... Rather than 'I've just fucked my 15 year old Escort.' The police still haven't seen the funny side; my laptop has been confiscated and my wife has moved in with her mother. +11710,2,What does lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month. +11711,1,"Children’s names A mother and her children were talking. “Mom, why is my name rose?”said Rose. Mom replied “when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head, so we named you Rose.” “Why am I called Poppy?”said another child. “Because when you were a baby, a Poppy petal fell on your head, so we called you Poppy,” answered mom. Then she heard a noise. “Nnnnngrahhlllaaarrrr” “Oh be quiet, Refrigerator,” mom shouted to her third child." +11712,3,How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. +11713,1,As a lazy tailor says... “Suit yourself!” +11714,1,"There are five cows on a farm, one mommy cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks: ""Mom, why is my name Rose?"" The mom replies: ""Well, honey, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."" The second calf comes up. ""Mom, why is my name Lily?"" The mom replies: ""When you were born, sweetheart, a lily petal fell on your head."" The third calf comes up to mom. ""Mom, why is my name Daisy?"" The mom replies: ""When you were born, my baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."" The fourth calf comes up. It says: ""Hurr duh buh gah."" The mom replies: ""Oh, shut up, Cinderblock!""" +11715,0,What's the difference between a rooster and a cock? One of them is a dick +11716,2,"Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels" +11717,0,"What's a pirate's favorite letter? You probably think it's R...nay, his first love be the sea." +11718,0,What Do You Call An Ocean of Reasonable Penises? -A Logical Phallus Sea +11719,0,"A tribute to America's last night O say can you see,  by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed Our twilight's last gleaming, whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, o'er the ramparts we watched,  were so gallantly burning? And the nukes white glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was not there. O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free  and the home of the brave?" +11720,1,Wanna hear a self deprecating joke? I think gays are stupid. +11721,1,I found out my wife was banging my absailing instructor. They both let me down until I hit rock bottom. +11722,0,What's Lovecraft's favourite sauce? HP +11723,1,"How do you think the Roman numerals were developed? I, for one..." +11724,1,"Q: With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up? A: 1GB" +11725,3,"Double positives One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative. To which his student replies ""yeah right""" +11726,1,Here's another one in Spanish Uno +11727,3,I became a proud father yesterday My son is 4 but he was a boring little cunt for the first years +11728,0,"A gorilla dies of old age A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new ""gorilla"" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the ""Human-like"" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming ""HELP!! HELP!!!"" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, ""Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired.""" +11729,2,"[nsfw] i was driving along a country road in new Zealand and saw a farmer f***ing a sheep I called out to him ""mate, shouldn't you be shearing it?"" He said ""shearing it? I ain't shearing it with nobody""" +11730,2,How do you circumcise a guy from Alabama? Kick his sister in the jaw +11731,0,The real reason Vlad blocked Linkedin He got tired of his agents getting poached +11732,3,"Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee. He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door. ""Hey mate, can you help me out here?"" the no armed man says. Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. ""Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?"" the man says. Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no armed man's tool. It's dark red with blue and black splotches. It smells like unwashed feet mixed with dead people. There is brownish liquid oozing out of a hole on the side. It's all Jim can do not to wretch. After the man finishes peeing he says, ""okay all done. Just a bit of a shake please."" Jim shakes the man's prick and skin flakes fly off. Blood and the brown ooze splatters in the urinal. The smell actually gets worse. Jim is now crying as he packs the man's johnson away and zips him up. Jim runs over to the sink and yacks in it and scrubs his hands with soap. As the man is walking to the door, Jim asks, ""what the hell is wrong with your dick?!"" The man pops his arms out of his t-shirt holes and opens the door to leave and says, ""no idea but there's no fucking way I'm touching it.""" +11733,3,They say people have sex on average 24 times a year today’s gonna be one wild day +11734,0,Our newborn looks like Adolf Hitler. You'd better Nazi it. +11735,4,Did you ever wonder... how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable? +11736,0,"A pickpocket stole a wallet from a tourist. The tourist said, ""Hey, it's my wallet."" The pickpocket said ""it's my job."" and left." +11737,0,"To all you waiters and waitress out there, I just want to say..... Thank you for your service. " +11738,0,"How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A lot, apparently. Have you seen their new building?" +11739,3,"What's brown and rhymes with ""Snoop""? Dr. Dre" +11740,1,Two zeroes are walking through the desert. Along comes an eight. Says one zero to the other: 'How can she wear a belt in this heat?' +11741,3,"What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i? Your spine" +11742,1,"A guy goes to the doctor... He says doc, look... I have a problem with my butt. The doctor says, ok, let's have a look. So the man pulls down his pants and bends over. Good god, your asshole is as big as a pie plate the doctor gasps. I know says the man... I was raped by an elephant. The doctor thinks for a moment and then says, now wait a minute, my friend who works at the zoo, he says that elephant's dicks aren't near that big around. The man, looking down at the floor near tears says, well I didn't want to tell you this doc, but the son of a bitch fingered me first." +11743,2,What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine? Not much but the Brazilian has better legs. +11744,2,"I asked by mom if I was adopted. She said, ""No, why would I choose you?""" +11745,0,"Very sad man speaks with doctor. Doctor, I am so unlucky. My wife hates me, I have no children, I don't feel good. - Oh, laughter can cure it all! Today there is grand comedian in town. His name is Baliyachi. Visit him, and you will be allright. Man blasts in tears: Doctor! I am Baliyachi." +11746,3,"I don't think I'll ever understand college kids and their ""Netflix and chill"" slang... ...when are they gonna realize they can fuck each other without paying $10 a month?" +11747,1,What do you call a bag of diet Swedish fish? Sweet-ish Fish +11748,0,Mendelsohn's Bagel Pizza ...from what I understand those are uh...not bagels in that pizza. +11749,2,Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. +11750,0,What kind of car does Hillary Clinton drive? A Subaru +11751,5,"A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”... Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely. “Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back...” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”" +11752,2,"When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport. Where it goes is up to you." +11753,0,Knock knock... -Whose there lol the captain. -Who is the captain? -Captain Curk from USA enterprise. Guess what ?good gravy. I fartpooped lol out my captains booklet. I guess I have DAIRYeha. hahahahaha sorry I think I +11754,1,Why was the jeweler's son sexually molested? He went to Jared's. +11755,1,What do you call an Egyptian doctor? A chiropractor +11756,3,The police asked me if I would take a lie detector... I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft. +11757,1,Thought of it this morning So you know why they had cocaine in Coca Cola. Guess the name was right under our noses this whole time +11758,3,Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? They don't like any witnesses... +11759,1,I'd recommend Ralph Northam lie until he's blue in the face It's definitely a better look +11760,3,"Pi said to i, ""Get real!"" ""Be rational!"" responds i. Finally, e breaks them up as it said ""Join me, and we'll become one."" >e^pi ^i + 1 = 0" +11761,0,A friend of mine had his dog on his wedding. A dog is a friend's best man. +11762,0,Why wasn't Hitler invited to the picnic? Because he burnt all the Franks. +11763,10,"I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs " +11764,0,What’s a xenophobe’s least favorite band? Foreigner. +11765,5,"Who is Jack Shit? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ""You don't know Jack Schitt!"" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, ""You don't know Jack Schitt,"" you can correct them. " +11766,1,"What kind of being was Voldemort after getting the Killing Curse rebounded upon him? A ghost? A wandering soul? No: body, nose" +11767,2,"As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero... The invisible man." +11768,0,Bought an ant farm the other year. They are right lazy! A whole year and they havent grown me any crops yet! +11769,0,"Running wild through the jungle... Hey, guys! This is a translation from a joke in spanish so, sorry for any mistake (grammar nazis, lol). A bunny is running through the jungle when he sees a giraffe making a marijuana cigar. The bunny stops and says to the giraffe: ""Yo, Giraffe, do not smoke that sticky icky. You better run with me, you'll see how healthy it is"". The giraffe thinks about it, throws the joint and follow the bunny. The two are running through the forest and find an elephant about to inhale a line of cocaine. The bunny approaches the elephant and says: ""Elephant, dude, stop inhaling that snowy stuff and come and run with us, you'll see how good it feels"". The elephant thinks about it, throws his mirror with the coke and decides to follow them. The three of them are running when they suddenly find a lion about to inject a dose of heroin. The bunny says to him: ""Lion, bro, leave the syringe and come running with us, you'll see how good it is"". The lion approaches the rabbit and gives it a big blow. The other animals, scandalized, ask the lion: ""What the fuck it's wrong with you? Why did you do that? The bunny only wants to help us!!!"" And the lion answers: ""This rabbit motherfucker always wants to make me run like a fucking idiot every single time he smokes crystal meth and shit! Fuck that!"" THE END." +11770,2,"A mushroom walks into a bar... ... The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”" +11771,1,Friday: hunting in the dark. Saturday: hunting in the dark. Sunday: hunting in the dark. Yet another superb owl weekend. +11772,2,"An upvote walks into a bar and says ""What have you got that's new?"". ""Just kidding, I'll have the usual.""" +11773,0,How did the dad know that his daughter is on her period? His dick is covered in blood. +11774,0,"A few years ago, some monkeys were sent to Scotland... When primatologists went to check on them, they found evidence that the monkeys were engaging in prostitution. The monkeys were unrepentant about this, with one explaining: ""eh, she ain't gonna suck macaque for free.""" +11775,0,What do you get when you cross and Elephant and a Rhinoceros? Ellifino. +11776,0,Storm troopers don't have bad aim It's just the spray pattern that's fucking them up. +11777,4,"Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens. After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans. ""These humans are dangerous,"" said the first. ""We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"" ""Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all,"" said the second. ""The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."" Yet a third had another idea. ""We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them"". The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive. This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos. The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way. They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved. They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time. ""What's that one doing,"" said the first alien. ""He isn't shaking his fist list the others."" ""It almost looks like he's waving,"" said the second Alien. ""Let me see,"" said the third Alien. ""Wow! I don't believe it."" ""What?"" Asked the second Alien. ""It's Dave!""" +11778,3,How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying. +11779,0,What kind of shoes does your Dad's Dad wear? Old Unbalanced +11780,0,"A man goes to the doctor, The man shouts “Doctor, doctor, I need a new ass.” The doctor puzzled at this request asks “Why?” To which the man replies “My old one has a crack in it.”" +11781,2,I took shrooms while driving... Now I am on a road trip. +11782,1,"My wife said ""Sex is better on holidays"" Worst postcard ever!" +11783,8,Why do people hate reposts on this site? Cause they’ve already reddit! +11784,1,My friend went on a vacation to Finland over the summer but he found communicating with the locals to be difficult He had trouble finnishing his sentences +11785,3,"Dad, am I adopted? No. Why the fuck would I pick you?" +11786,1,What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen. +11787,0,"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it's got to *really* want to change." +11788,2,What animal has a dick on their back? A police horse. +11789,3,"Ladies and gentlemen Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants I've come to tell you a lie that is true. One fine day in the middle of the night Two dead boys rose up to fight. Back to back they faced each other Pulled out knives and shot each other. Two deaf policemen heard the noise And ran to save the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true Go ask the blind man, he saw it too." +11790,1,What do you call a cute prophet? Adoracle +11791,0,What were the first words from the baby that was proficient with Microsoft excel? Data. +11792,1,Why did Hitler's wife have it the best? It was the only relationship where the man stood in front of an oven all day. +11793,1,"What do you call a bird so sick, it's breaking the law? Ill eagle" +11794,0,I am turned on by the sound of women yawning. - Bill Cosby +11795,3,"My mom was an excellent ventriloquist. For years, I thought that our dog was telling me to kill my dad." +11796,1,What do you call it when an iguana has intimacy issues? A reptile dysfunction +11797,3,What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? A: Outlaws are wanted. +11798,2,"I'm training for a marathon with my friend. Every day when we hit the trails he tells me the same thing, and it always makes me laugh. It's a running joke." +11799,5,I had a really funny joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime +11800,0,How are memes and your uncle the same? They are banned from EU. +11801,0,What did the hippie eat for dinner? A pot pie. +11802,2,Chasing your dreams is a terrible idea... At least that's what my restraining order says. +11803,3,What room do ghosts avoid? The living room. +11804,2,"Reddit Some people think that Reddit is full of subliminal advertising. That's crazy. But not as crazy as the low, low prices found at Dave's Carpets, High Street, Wolverhampton." +11805,6,"One day, Einstein has to go to an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: ""I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"" The driver agrees: ""You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."" ""That's a great idea!"" says Einstein. ""Let's switch places then!"" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : ""Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.""" +11806,2,What do you call a cow who just gave birth? De-calfinated. +11807,1,"I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England. If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next. " +11808,0,"A cook married a hacker, on their first night. there is a cock and a hooker" +11809,0,"So many young men, lifes wasted, suffering, pain and despair in a day like today 74 years ago Just stop for a moment and remember those who lost their lifes trying to hold against the American invader." +11810,2,"The teacher wrote on the blackboard: ""I ain't had no fun in months."" Then asked the class, ""How should I correct this sentence?"" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, ""Get yourself a new boyfriend.""" +11811,1,Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things He is quite a ruler. +11812,4,"My wife just stopped and said, ""You weren't even listening were you?"" I thought... ""that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation!"" " +11813,2,"A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend... “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”" +11814,2,Did you hear about the angry train? It was really blowing off steam. +11815,1,"White people are always butthurt about MLK day and black history month. They always say, ""It'd be racist of we had a holiday."" They don't understand we do.... Fathers Day." +11816,2,"My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm ""insecure"". Says the guy whose home WiFi password is ""password123""." +11817,1,I’ve always felt like asking someone where they live is impolite. Secretly following them home is much more polite. +11818,2,I hate flying vehicles. A lot of them are so plane. +11819,0,Joke that was on my school's tvs. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing +11820,4,"My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type As he was dying he keep insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s been hard without him." +11821,1,I got ransacked today He was bullying customers so I reported him to management +11822,2,My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two. Because no one slaps my girls ass but me. +11823,0,"Did you hear about the man who didn't know his options for his new son and, as a result, sent him in to be circumcised? Ignorance is Bris." +11824,4,"Beautiful butt A married man keeps telling his blonde wife ""Honey, you have a beautiful butt"". She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband's birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo ""Beautiful Butt"" on her ass. The tattoo artist tells her, ""I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I'll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt"". She agrees. On the husband's birthday she's standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, "" Look honey."" She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, ""WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?""." +11825,3,I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV. +11826,0,Why are there no square butt plugs in Russia? Because this stuff is too painful to put in. +11827,3,What do you get when you combine a gay man and a Jew? A hit Broadway musical +11828,0,What do you call an arabian person flying an airplane? A pilot +11829,0,"People need to stop being so harsh about Prince Philip's recent accident. I mean seriously, he hasn't been involved in a car crash since 97? " +11830,6,"My girlfriend left a note on the fridge ""This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house."" I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?" +11831,2,Elton John has never had a parrot But he’s had a cockatoo +11832,6,"I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, ""How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"" I asked him, ""Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"" ""Bloody hell! No!"" he said, somewhat flabbergasted. ""Well, neither would Pete,""" +11833,1,Me: I have constipation Friend: that means you are having a hard time pooping Me: No shit +11834,0,What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Bordercross. +11835,3,"A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. She slinks over and leans over the bar, revealing her ample cleavage. ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" he asks. ""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" ""Well, wash your fuckin' hands,"" says the man. ""I want a cheese sandwich.""" +11836,0,Why do the conjoined twins travel to london? ... The other twin gets the chance to drive a car :( +11837,7,"What's worse than waking up at a party with a dick drawn on your face? finding out it was traced EDIT: Holy shit, now I know what ""Rip Inbox"" means..." +11838,0,What do you say when there's a snowstorm right before you're going to travel I hope this weather doesn't winterfere with our travels! +11839,0,"One day, three friends go to the doctor. The doctor looks at the first one and says, ""You're an alcohol addict. If you drink another one, you die."" Then looks second one and says, ""You're a music addict. If you try to listen music, you die."" Then looks last one and says, ""You're a sex addict. If you try to fuck someone, you die. Then 3 friends leaves. First one says, ""Don't listen the doctor. I want to drink."" Then he enters a market and buys alcohol. He drinks it. Then dies. 2 friends are shocked. A few day later, two friends walk again on the street. One of friends says, ""I can not stand it anymore, I have to listen to music"" and he take out his phone. The phone slides out of his hand and falls down. Another friend says: ""If you take that phone from the floor, we will both die.""" +11840,3,"A man gets a STD test from his doctor... ...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection. ""Alright, last question, you're looking great so far."" says the doc ""Have you ever paid for sex?"" The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, ""Every time...""" +11841,1,I dressed up as the letter B for comic con. It's my favorite character. +11842,3,Everyone who hates speeding tickets Raise your right foot +11843,1,"My friend asked me if i want some Sodium Bromate. But I said : ""NaBrO""" +11844,3,A Japanese guy tried to high five Logan Paul... But Logan left him hanging. +11845,5,Why do reddit users hate facebook? Because you need to have friends to be on facebook. +11846,0,I love having makeup sex It's the only time my girlfriend let's me dress up in drag +11847,2,"What do you get when you pour scalding water in a rabbit hole? A hot, cross, bunny." +11848,1,I want to invest in massage parlors I've heard that their turnover rate is pretty high. +11849,0,"In Soviet Russia Your blood doesn't have alcohol levels, your alcohol has blood levels." +11850,1,What shoes to chickens wear? Reebok bok bok +11851,3,"A blonde and a brunette were chatting, the brunette says “I had sex with a Brazilian last night.” The blonde says “You slut! How many is a Brazilian?”" +11852,5,"So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, ""Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"" ""Yup."" ""What if you miss?"" He looks at the man, deadly serious. ""I don't miss..."" ""Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."" ""Let's go,"" the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. ""They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."" The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. ""Well? What are you waiting for!?"" the husband asks. ""Hold on a minute,"" said the assassin, ""I might be able to save you $10k.""" +11853,1,I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time...I'm scared they'll run out ....of the park +11854,1,"A brunette at the doctor's. A youthful brunette visits his doctor and reports that his body hurt wherever he touched it. ""Impossible,"" the skeptic doctor mumbled, ""show me."" The brunette took his finger, it on his left shoulder and screamed. He then jabbed at his knees, and let out another cry, then his ankle, and his hip, until the doctor interjected. ""You're not really a brunette, are you?"" ""Well, no, I'm actually a blonde."" ""I thought so,"" concluded the doctor, ""your finger is broken."" " +11855,2,Why can't orphans play baseball They would not know where home is! +11856,0,"How many Missouri cops does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they just sit in the blackness and shoot at it." +11857,6,"The Bouncer An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’" +11858,3,"Count to 10 Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, ""2, 4, 6, 8, 10"". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says ""1, 3, 5, 7, 9"". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, ""Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?""" +11859,1,Wanna hear a clean joke? I had a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is my neighbour +11860,1,"Did you guys hear about a terrorist group flying down south for a giant snowball fight against penguins It was all over the news, the headlines read ""Isis huge in Antarctica""." +11861,2,I got my IQ test results back today They were negative. +11862,1,What is the worst sin according to the Catholic Church? Priestiality! +11863,1,What do you call a jewish freight train service? Israils +11864,0,If you eat a hot dog when it’s cold.. It becomes a COLD dog! +11865,1,"Is google male or female? Female, because you can hardly Finnish a sentence before she has a suggestion " +11866,1,What does a cannible use when eating a disabled person? Vegetable slicer +11867,6,Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition... ... And discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective +11868,0,"Which grocery department is great for digestion and your ""constitution""? Pro-deuce. " +11869,3,"A guy walks into a doctors office and says 'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?' 'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room' ... Courtesy of my 6 year old." +11870,6,"Forgive me Father for I have sinned Girl: ""Forgive me father for I have sinned."" Priest: ""What have you done my child?"" Girl: ""I called a man a son of a bitch."" Priest: ""Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"" Girl: ""Because he touched my hand."" Priest: ""Like this?"" (as he touches her hand) Girl: ""Yes father."" Priest: ""That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."" Girl: ""Then he touched my breast."" Priest: ""Like this?"" (as he touched her breast) Girl: ""Yes father."" Priest: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."" Girl: ""Then he took off my clothes, father."" Priest: ""Like this?"" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: ""Yes father."" Priest: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."" Girl: ""Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."" Priest: ""Like this?"" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: ""YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"" Priest: (after a few minutes): ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."" Girl: ""But father he had AIDS!"" Priest: ""THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!""" +11871,0,"Two friends and bears Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ""What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."" ""I don’t need to outrun the bear,"" the first guy says. ""I just need to outrun you.""" +11872,5,"Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too It's called ""history""" +11873,3,Why do Astronauts go into space? Because some men just wanna watch the world turn. +11874,2,"My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, “You come here often?” he gets her number. But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic." +11875,0,What do you call the country on the south-east edge of Spain when it's taken over by France? Portu-gaul. +11876,7,"3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up.""" +11877,0,How do cells hold their nuclei They Eu-carry-it +11878,2,"Penis auction A man wakes up with his wife nudging him... ""Honey, honey, I just had the craziest dream!"" ""Yeah, what was it?"" ""I dreamed I was at an auction and they were auctioning off dicks! Normal ones were $100 and big huge ones were $200!"" ""Oh yeah? And what about those like mine?"" ""Oh... those they were giving away for free."" The husband thinks about this a bit and says, ""You know, I had a similar dream a few nights ago. I was at this auction, and they were auctioning off cunts. Normal ones were $1,000 and little tight ones were $2,000"". ""Really..."", says the wife, ""and what about those like mine?"" ""That's where they held the auction.""" +11879,7,"I killed four people by looking them yesterday. Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language." +11880,1,People say clickbait jokes are good This one isn't +11881,7,We used to have empires ruled by emperors and we used to have kingdoms ruled by kings… Now we have countries… +11882,4,"I’m going to sell my theremin, I haven’t touched it in years." +11883,1,What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Donald Trump's tie. +11884,0,Where do cops keep the assault spray? Next to the apepper spray +11885,1,What's a Teddy Bear's most prized possession? Cotton balls. +11886,7,"My wife was wondering why she was so itchy I asked why she pronounced it with a silent ""B""" +11887,3,"Three spies were detained in Russia A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated. After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar story of fear of torture. The Italian spy had been beaten to a bloody pulp. The other two spies asked the Italian spy, ""Why didn't you answer their questions and avoid the torture?"" The Italian spy replied, ""I wanted to, but my hands were tied behind my back!""" +11888,1,What did the the dad say to the feminist? Hugh Mungus +11889,0,what does the Jewish baker say when ba customer leaves his store? Challah! +11890,5,I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there. +11891,0,"Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?” The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”" +11892,0,Arguing with a Trump-supporter is like playing chess with a pigeon.....No matter how good you are the bird shits on the board and struts around like he won anyway. +11893,2,"A man walks into a bar and notices a horse at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender, ""hey why is there a horse down thwre?"" The bartender says ""I'll get you a free drink you can't make that horse laugh."" So the man goes to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts laughing. So the bartender says ""Double or nothing, you can't make him cry."" So the man goes down to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts crying. The bartender asks the man, ""What the hell did you say to him?"" The man replies, ""well to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his. To make him cry, I showed him.""" +11894,0,Why the full we don't have any jokes about Islam? Is it because it's a joke by itself or what. +11895,1,"What did a flock of seagulls say when they realized it would take them a long time to fly to the Middle East? Iran, Iran so far away" +11896,2,Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral. I couldn't bereave it! +11897,7,"A middle school boy comes home crying... His dad asks, ""What's wrong, son?"" ""A boy at school called me gay!"" the son replied. The dad then says, ""Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face."" The boy then stated, ""But he's cute!""" +11898,0,Balls What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? --- Snowballs. +11899,0,I got so addicted to line dancing... My shrink put me in a two-step program +11900,2,"Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!! I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive. " +11901,0,What's the best version of Microsoft Office? Microsoft Office 36543 +11902,2,The real name by which eskimos name themselfs? I forgot but I swear Inuit earlier. +11903,0,This post just says it all! It all +11904,3,Fifty Shades of Grey gives its readers unrealistic expectations. It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them. +11905,2,"God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth. ""The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death,"" said God. ""Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"" Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, ""I think I will go with crucifixion."" And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross instead of running around, swatting themselves furiously and screaming ""Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!""" +11906,1,My annoying cousin keeps bragging about sleeping in a racecar bed. Jokes on him. I sleep in a real car. +11907,5,"The Ice Cream Truck pulls away from Acacia Drive, having served the happiest bunch of kids all day... ...the driver whistles a gay tune, the sun is shining, the traffic is good, there’s but a solitary car at the red light ahead. Suddenly, there’s a banging on the side of the truck. Startled, he pulls away, thinking its a jacking. His heart racing he makes it to the next set of lights. He turns on the radio and “Welcome To The Jungle” is playing, so he turns it up loud and starts singing, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He lets out a relieving bellow of laughter. Just before the lights change, the banging on the side happens again. He jumps up, wishing he’d carried today. He breathes in and raises the shutter, ready for whatever is awaiting him. Before him, a young woman is panting, hands on her knees, struggling for breath, sweat pouring off her brow. She’d clearly been running, strenuously. “Well, wtf do you want, lady?”, Giovanni says. “I’m...I’m...”, she gasps. “You’re what?!”, he says, impatient and angry. “...I’m vegan!”, she says. " +11908,0,How do you know what job Ben Shapiro's wife has ? He'll fuckin tell you. +11909,1,what do farmers say when they let geese and ducks out? release the quacken! +11910,0,Why is mustard gas so dangerous? Because it was used in World War One to kill people. +11911,2,"A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: ""I think I can get you out."" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: ""Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."" The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. " +11912,1,"TIL: Hitler was a very emotional golfer ...Every time his ball went into a bunker, he became suicidal!" +11913,0,"There's an ancient ritual that doesn't work properly because the name of a specific airplane inventor wasn't transcribed correctly, but I worry his name is trademarked. Alright, I have the right to right the rite by writing, ""wright on the right"" right, right?" +11914,0,I played quakeworld for the first time recently I got nailed +11915,4,"A male whale and a female whale A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, ""Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."" They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, ""Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."" At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. ""Look,"" she said, ""I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.""" +11916,0,Blind pianists use a lot of sharps and flats in their music. It's because they can't see naturally. +11917,1,How does a Muay Thai fighter know they're going to lose? They can smell defeat. +11918,0,How can Noobies become a God in game? ... Anubis +11919,1,A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a cup of water. +11920,2,"A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church He enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, ""Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either”." +11921,1,"Sign in pharmacy; Preperation H for sale, free delivery. of course i couldnt resist,I took out my pen and added in ... and installation" +11922,3,Why can't T-Rex's hi-five? Because they are all dead. +11923,2,"A man is leaving his wife A man decides he's had enough of his wife and is going to leave her, so he tells her: ""I'm gonna go find some new pussy"" to which she replies: ""If you had 2 more inches of dick, you'd find some here""" +11924,0,I've never been afraid of the dark. . . because in the dark I'm always delighted. +11925,4,"There was a woman who went out of town for the weekend. When she came back, she notified two condoms were missing. She asked her boyfriend about it, and he said he used them to masturbate. “Really?” The girlfriend asked. “You use condoms to masturbate?” “Oh yeah,” he said. “Lots of guys do it.” The next day at work she was eating lunch with a male coworker. “Can I ask you something,” she said. “I was gone this weekend and I noticed two condoms were missing. My boyfriend said he used them to masturbate. Have you ever done that?” “Oh yeah,” the coworker said, “all the time.” “Really? You’ve used condoms to masturbate?” The girl asked. “Ohhhh,” said the coworker, “ I thought you were asking if I’ve ever lied to my girlfriend.”" +11926,0,Yesterday was international women's equality day and international dog day What a great day for bitches +11927,0,What Donald Trump's least favorite dessert? Impeach Cobbler. +11928,2,"A man just assaulted my wife with milk, cream and butter How dairy" +11929,1,"How do you know when you are getting ""old"" ? When you can live without sex but you can't live without glasses" +11930,0,A Perfect Name For A Hooker Is Wet Burrito Most of the time there's green sauce but for a couple days of the month you get red sauce. +11931,1,"The fighter and the Texan A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, ""Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. Before we get through this state, I'm going to have to whip a Texan's ass."" About that time a tire blew out. It was 110 degrees out in the West Texas sun, and the fighter was not looking forward to changing a tire in this heat. As he pulled the jack out of the trunk, Ol' Bubba pulled up in his pickup. Bubba hollered, ""You need any help?"" The fighter said, ""Yeah, I need a tire changed and I need to whip a Texan's ass. Which one do you want to help me with?"" Bubba said, ""How about this? You whip my ass; I'll change your tire. I whip your ass, you hold my balls up out of the hot hot sand while I fuck your wife."" They agreed and got after it. A little later the prize fighter and his wife were back on the road, The fighter said, ""See? That Texan wasn't so tough."" ""What do you mean?"" asked his wife. And the fighter said, ""Did you see the way he flinched when I dropped his balls in the hot hot sand?""" +11932,0,"A doctor had just got done sleeping with his patient As he sits in his office, his conscience says to him, ""John, what you did was a terrible thing."" He thinks back to himself, ""Oh, so what?! I'm not the first doctor to sleep with my patient and I won't be the last."" Conscience: ""John, you violated your oath and your patient's trust."" John: ""Well, I'm a man and a man has needs!"" Conscience: ""John, the patient was asleep! You raped her!"" John: ""She'll never even know!"" Conscience: ""John....you're a fucking veterinarian.""" +11933,4,"Fast Eddie Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'... The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'" +11934,7,I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist +11935,3,The weirdest thing I saw last night was a Redditor tripping and falling on top of a clown. It was virgin on the ridiculous. +11936,1,You should never call a fat girl and elephant It really is just not a nice thing to say and also elephants never forget. +11937,0,A poem about Mary Rose Mary Rose Sat On A Pin Mary Rose +11938,4,"My sister and my girlfriend share the same name That's too bad, because every time we have sex I have to think about my girlfriend." +11939,5,What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK ROLLING +11940,0,Why don't aliens just ring the doorbell at 3 AM? Because real aliens probe via the backdoor. +11941,1,I like my women how i like my coffee Black and Strong +11942,1,"Riding a motorcycle is like having sex without a condom. It does feel great at the time, but if you make a mistake it's really really bad. " +11943,1,"What did the egg say to the boiling pot of water? “It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick”" +11944,0,What midget fortune teller who kills his customers? A small medium at large. I will get on with Bleach Drinking now +11945,5,"What did the pirate say when he turned 80? ""I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century""" +11946,5,What's the difference between Donald Trump and a vacuum? A vacuum has a filter +11947,1,"So there's this salesman.. He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs. The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit more. 55, 60, 65. Chicken's still right there. The salesman really starts to open it up. 80, 85 miles per hour. Looks down. Chicken. The salesman puts the hammer down. 100, 105, finally his car tops out at 110. Screaming down the road at 110 miles per hour the man looks down and sees the chicken is right there with him. The salesman comes to a crossroads and blows right through it. The chicken turned left. The salesman slams on the brakes. He's sliding all over the road, in and out of the ditch, before finally coming to a stop about a mile down the road. He takes a moment to breath and calm himself, and heads back toward the crossroad to follow the chicken. He turns right and follows the road to a farmhouse, with the farmer sitting on the porch. The salesman gets out of the car, comes to the base of the porch and says, ""Excuse me mister, but I have something of an odd question for you. Did you happen to see a chicken come by here?"" The farmer nods once, ""Why yes sir, I did."" ""Alright, this is going to sound crazy, but did that chicken have three legs?"" Farmer nods again, ""Why yes sir, it did."" The salesman got excited. ""Where did it come from? Who owns it? How did it get three legs?"" The farmer stands up and says, ""well sir, follow me and I'll tell you."" The farmer starts to walk around the side of the house. ""You see, here there's just me, the missus, and the boy. And we all like chicken. And the leg is our favorite part. So, it only made sense for us to breed a three legged chicken."" They came to the back of the house where there were three legged chickens everywhere. There were dozens of them running around the lawn. The salesman stared in shock. ""That's... this is incredible! How do they taste?"" ""Don't know. Can't catch one.""" +11948,0,I always thought creepy clowns were just an urban myth.. ...until I found out that several american news outlets posted video evidence of the existence of one named Donald Trump. +11949,0,"You should always wrap your hamster in duct tape. That way, it won't explode when you fuck it. " +11950,2,Why did the student fail on his book report? TLDR +11951,2,I've sent my friend a letter with a joke. He didn't get it. +11952,0,A man walks into a bar... And says “oww.” +11953,2,LET DOWN Why don't women propose to men? They don't want to see the look of disappointment when she gets on her knee and pulls out a ring instead +11954,0,Why are Indian men so ugly? So deaf people can hate them too. +11955,3,Tomorrow I'm tying the knot! And kicking the chair. +11956,0,An indecisive person walks into a bar Then he walks out of the bar. And continues doing the same. +11957,3,I gave my wife one last chance to suck my dick... She blew it. +11958,1,There's a holiday for me every week. But my parents still don't celebrate Sunday. +11959,3,"I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live. Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go Kids are so fat these days the reason why they use smart phone to play music is because they think a Sony Walkman must involve exercise. Kids are so fat these days when their mothers tie their shoes the kid has to take her word for it. Kids are so fat these days those benches on the school bus are now considered a seat for one You try telling kids are fat and they get all upset. ""Tell us something we don't know, old man"" I said ""Salad actually tastes good."" But we shouldn't make fun of fat kids, they got enough on their plate already. " +11960,1,I'm 2/3rds done building a dynasty For now I've got to settle for 'nasty +11961,2,What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman? A used car salesman knows when he's lying. +11962,1,"Two guys camping in the woods wake up to the sound of a bear growling outside their tent. One guy jumps straight out of the tent, naked as the day he was born, and starts running for his life. He looks behind him to see his pal just finish tying his laces, and only then start running. ""Why the hell did you waste time putting on your trainers"" he yells back at him. ""That won't help you run faster than the bear!"" ""I don't need to run faster than the bear"" his mate said. ""Just faster than you…""" +11963,0,"Hey guys, we heard you guys were upset about losing a lot of subscribers on your YouTube channel. Nah, it's fine bros. " +11964,1,"I called the doctor Me : I'm dying, i was eating an Apple Doctor : You do that a lot? Me : One a day Doctor : You're on your own" +11965,3,"A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. ""Just great,"" the brunette complained to the blonde, ""my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."" The blonde responds, ""Why is that a problem?"" The brunette replies, ""Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."" ""Why?"" asked the blonde, ""Don't you have a vase?""" +11966,0,What types of jokes are funnier than jokes with substance? Jokes with substance abuse! +11967,1,"A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major. He thought, ""what's my porpoise now?""" +11968,3,"There’s a kid about to jump off a cliff. His dad walks up and asks why he’s going to jump. The kid says, “I’m depressed and I hate your dad jokes.” “Hi depressed...” " +11969,0,"A gecko was stuck on my car windshield No matter what, even during the downpour, it wouldn't get off. I finally got frustrated, rolled down my window, and yelled, ""Stupid gecko! Get off my car before you die!"" The gecko yelled back, ""Stupid human! Do you want your 15% car insurance or not?""" +11970,0,What does Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common? They both stick their raw meat into five year old buns. It's been almost 6 years...is it okay to make jokes yet? +11971,0,What do you get when you mix an Elephant and a Rhino? An abomination. +11972,0,the best math joke i can think of πnes +11973,1,"Two men were working on a beef ranch together Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you drink the whole cup” and Ron says “20 bucks? No way I’m drinking that shit” and Mitch says “ok how about 50 bucks” and Ron says “nope” and Mitch says “ok how about 50 bucks if you just take a little sip” and Ron thinks about it and says “50 bucks for a sip?” And Mitch slaps the 50 bucks down on the bench and nods his head. Ron looks back and forth between Mitch, the spittoon, and the 50 bucks. He finally says “alright 50 bucks for a sip” and shakes Mitch’s hand. Ron raises the cup to his mouth and downs the entire thing. He then drops the cup to the bench very angrily. Mitch says “i said you just had to take a sip what’d you go and drink the whole thing for?” and Ron says “i tried but it came out as one long piece”" +11974,2,"Fine Bros can't sue metal beams, Because they don't react to jet fuel." +11975,4,What do you call a blow job in the morning? A head start! +11976,7,My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry. +11977,0,"My cheating ex just made the varsity rowing team Doesn't surprise me, though. That woman has coxswain her 24/7" +11978,3,As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle +11979,1,"Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship. They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling. After some time spent, the counselor asks, “So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?” Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”" +11980,6,"A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time. " +11981,0,A dog meet a crocodile The dog: Hello handbag. The crocodile: Hello fleabag. +11982,2,I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning... it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute. +11983,0,What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAHH! +11984,0,"Women are like planets... It's hard to find ones in the habitable zone, and when you do, they're usually overrun with demons." +11985,2,"Two gay guys were having sex and then the phone rings.. The first guy goes to answer the phone and tells his partner, ""Hey. Don't finish yourself until I get back."" After returning from the phone call, there is cum all over the wall of the bedroom. The first guy says ""Jesus, Chris, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!"" The second guy turns to him and says, ""I didn't, I farted.""" +11986,1,I named my penis the truth Because you can’t handle the truth +11987,0,Did you hear about the woman with three vaginas? She loved getting fucked left right and center. +11988,1,What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work? The aftermath +11989,0,"What does Ryan Seacrest say while having sex? ""Seacrest out!"" ""Seacrest in!"" ""Seacrest out!"" ""Seacrest in!""" +11990,0,What is a ghosts favorite past time? +11991,2,"What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist fuck." +11992,2,Why is the Stranger Things Christmas special going to be lame? Noel +11993,4,"As a young boy I always wanted to join a violent gang Just got accepted into police training, who says dreams don't come true." +11994,2,Ailerons? That’s how I roll +11995,3,"Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits? Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?" +11996,1,"What's the difference between debt and marriage? In debt, the b is silent." +11997,0,If an apple and a banana fucked would it be appealing? +11998,3,Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field! +11999,5,The hot girl from next door just came over and told me to stop stealing her clothes! I almost shit her pants! +12000,4,"First Christmas Joke: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' ***And So The Christmas Season Begins...***" +12001,3,"I want to make a joke about dictatorship. But I don't know whether to make it in Italian, German or English." +12002,0,Why can’t Trump serve more than one term? Because Oranges only last about 3 weeks from when they’re picked. +12003,2,"Playing doctor Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother. Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. ""My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!"". Johnny's mother responded calmly, ""that's OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it."" Susie's mom screamed out, ""but he took out her appendix!"" " +12004,0,What do you call a really good dad who's disabled A handycap dandy pap +12005,1,"My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work. For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”" +12006,2,"Oranges are actually male or female. If it squirts in your eye without warning, it’s a male. And if it’s bitter for no fucking reason, it’s s female." +12007,2,I love whiteboards They're remarkable. +12008,0,"Stole some frozen vegetables after sex with my girlfriend It was good, but I’m not sure it was worth her peas" +12009,2,I feel sorry for homeless gay people They have no closet to come out of. (Credits: George Carlin) +12010,0,"A wise man once told me, ""Screw Perfect."" 40 years later and I still haven't found her. " +12011,1,It doesn’t matter if you’re white or black. We are all pretty shady. +12012,3,"An aeroplane was about to crash. An aeroplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said ""I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, ""My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."" The little boy said, ""That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."" " +12013,0,What is the second to last letter in the alphabet? Someone: “Y” Me: “Because I want to know what it is.” +12014,0,What is a pirate's favorite statistic? The Inter-Quartile Range (a.k.a. the IQRrrrrgh!) +12015,2,"Tattoo A guy decides to tattoo his girlfriends name WENDY on his penis. The tattoo is finished and the tattoo artist explains that when the guy's dick is limp you can only see the first and last letters of the name, WY. When it's erect you can read the whole name. A few months later the guy is taking a shower in a public washroom and sees a black man with the letters WY on his penis and then asks if his girlfriend is also named Wendy. ""Nope,"" says the black man, ""this here says WELCOME TO MY CITY.""" +12016,10,"What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? ""Let us prey.""" +12017,0,"Four words Venison's dear, isn't it? " +12018,2,How many Friend Zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. +12019,0,Why did all the guys like the bus driver? She was busty. +12020,0,"A Man Sees A Beautiful Woman And he says, ""wow! Will you go out with me?"" She asks, ""Do you drink?"" ""Nope"" ""Smoke?"" ""Nope"" ""Treat ladies like royalty?"" ""Definitely"" ""Do you have a job?"" ""Yes"" ""Do you live in a trailer?"" ""No"" ""Sorry, you don't meet any of my standards""" +12021,2,What do toy trains and titties have in common? They are both meant for the kids but it's usually the dad that ends up playing with them. +12022,3,"Our sex education teacher asked the class, ""Who knows what fisting is?"" I put my hand up. " +12023,0,I knew a guy who got fired from his job as a chef at the Royal Mint for food contamination The proof was in the pudding +12024,0,Are you working? Nope. I'm broken. +12025,0,Why did the trump supporter cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken. +12026,3,Why can't a broke man do acrobatics? His balance is terrible +12027,2,"Ginger the baker Once upon a time, in a very, very small town, there was a baker who was named Ginger. She was a very modest person, and not only was she humble, but also very soft spoken and kind. She was famous in the town for her baked goods, especially her cakes. One day she was experimenting and created a new cookie. So far, everyone loved it. Deciding that she wanted to add the cookie to her common sale items, she needed to name it. So she called the town together and had everyone try it. Once everyone had sampled the delicious cookies and helped themselves to some complimentary cake, Ginger walked up onto the stage and said, ""I have asked you all to come here today to help me name this cookie. Any ideas?"" Someone called out, ""What's in them?"" She replied, ""There is just the usual stuff, flour sugar and the likes and also some ginger, which is what gives it that special flavor!"" ""So,"" the person continued, ""there's ginger in it, and your name is Ginger, so we should recognize you on your creation and call them Ginger Cookies!"" Ginger was appalled by this notion and tried to fight against this idea saying, ""I don't want my name anywhere in the title of the cookies!"" However, the people were entrenched with this name and after a bit more of Ginger fighting against it, the crowd began to chant, ""Ginger Cookies! Ginger Cookies! Ginger Cookies!"" Finally, enough was enough and, Ginger began to scream at the crowd angrily, while flipping tables everywhere! The next morning, the headlines in the local paper read, ""Ginger Snaps!""" +12028,0,Nothing unites people like a common enemy And nothing likes sea fish like a com-anemone +12029,1,Why did the sapling get executed? For tree-son +12030,1,Do you know about the new farmer in town? He's out-standing in his field +12031,4,I heard that 1 in every 4 men are gay... I hope it’s Steve. He’s kinda cute. +12032,0,Why did the little girl fall out of the swing? Cause she didn’t have any arms. +12033,0,What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off! +12034,0,What word starts with F and ends with -uck? Firetruck +12035,0,"If Jared Kushner can't fix the Levant, who will Trump appoint instead? Kanye East. " +12036,0,"Two elephants jump off a cliff Boom, boom" +12037,2,Love is like a machine... ...sometimes you just need a good screw to fix it. +12038,1,If EA owned Starbucks... They'd give you the coffee and tell you to build your own cup. +12039,0,Who makes the best chicken? Nan does. +12040,0,How do you know when you're finished making love with a redhead? She unties you. +12041,0,"20/20 vision I don’t need to go to the eye doctor, I have next years vision" +12042,3,"The Bar Challenge A man walks into a bar.... Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes. He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?” The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. You pay $50 to play and if you complete the three tasks, you receive all the money in the jar. “What are they”, says the man, thinking there must be at least $1,000 in there. “These are our challenges”, she says: 1. You have to drink a pint of pepper tequila and not pull a funny face. 2. In the back there’s a pitbull, Pete, who has a rotten canine. You have to go out the back and retrieve it without injury. 3. Upstairs we have an immobile, former prostitute, Hefty Helen, who’s 300 pounds. Poor thing has never had an orgasm, and you have to sort her out. “Insanity! I’m not interested in any of those.”, says the man. And sits down to his beer disappointed. Some hours (and many beverages) later, the man is fuck eye drunk! A heavy drinker, was he. He exclaims: “Here’s $50 for the bar challenge, I’ll be going home a richer man!” The barmaid slides him a pint of pepper tequila. He downs it like overpriced water and remains straight faced. The man, barely able to walk and slurring his speech, cries out: “Challenge number 2! A man the likes of me should have no issues here!” He heads out the back as the crowd looks on in anticipation. Soon after, there’s a blood curdling commotion followed by silence. The man emerges without injury! A smile from ear to ear and seeming very satisfied. He says to the barmaid in a booming voice: “2 down, one to go! Now where’s this fat old hooker with the rotten tooth!”" +12043,6,Want to hear a word I just made? Plagiarism +12044,1,Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it +12045,1,"I used to live with my sister. It was really off-putting when I could hear her scream during sex... So I just put my hand over her mouth. ""Shut up, no one is coming to help you.""" +12046,0,"TIL that Ben Stiller is Gay lord Focker in ""Meet The Parents.""" +12047,1,"Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!" +12048,3,"Rodeo Sex When you’re making love to your girl doggy style and bend over and whisper in her ear, “this is how your sister likes it too”, and try and hold on for 8 seconds." +12049,0,You know what I hate about having sex?! When they wake up. +12050,0,What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? The Russians don't have a tape of Donald Trump having a garbanzo bean on him. +12051,3,"I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side. No punch line." +12052,1,How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible! +12053,2,There are 2 types of people in the world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data +12054,5,"My barber asked me what I wanted today. I replied, ""I dunno. Do something that makes me look more sexy!"" So she started throwing back shots of vodka." +12055,5,Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA? The Make-A-Wish foundation. +12056,1,"Unvaccinated children, dark humour They never get old" +12057,0,I once had a selfie with Dwayne Johnson at the Alcatraz Island (during an SF City Tour)... Now I know what it feels to be stucked between The Rock and A Hard Place... +12058,0,Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the doctors? Because he felt crumby. +12059,3,Did you hear about the depressed guy in a wheelchair? He couldn't stand himself. +12060,1,What can a roll of Life-Savers do that a man can't? Come in five different colors and flavors. +12061,2,"I asked my girlfriend if I was the first man she'd ever made love with. She replied with ""Why does everybody ask me this?!""" +12062,1,My friend has been telling me he is constipated I bet he's just full of shit. +12063,3,"An American and a Russian are talking The American says to the Russian, ""I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"" The Russian says, ""I can do that too."" ""You can?"" Replies the American ""Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'""" +12064,1,Aaron Hernandez's lawyers had him looking forward to prison. The told him it would be just like playing football again and that he would still have a lot of large men opening holes for him. +12065,1,"Today I had an interview for a job at Microsoft, and the recruiter asked me ""Why do you think you are a good fit for our company?"" I replied: ""because I too am micro and soft right now""" +12066,4,"The doctor asked, “how many fingers am I holding up?” I said, “feels like two. Can you finish the prostate exam please?”" +12067,3,What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor +12068,0,My local police stations toilet was stolen.... The cops have nothing to go on. +12069,0,What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web? A TORtoise! +12070,3,What's the difference between a catholic priest and zits? Zits wait until you're at least 12 to come on your face. +12071,0,"A man and a little boy walk into the woods... the little boy says, ""It sure is dark and scary!"" The man looks at the boy and says, ""How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!""" +12072,0,What is the scariest thing that goes on your head? Shamboo +12073,1,No one ever taught me about erections. So I had to learn the hard way. +12074,2,"Bob hates his wife's cat.... Bob absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway, with a smug look on his face. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the damn cat! Bob kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. Finally, Bob decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later Bob calls home to his wife: ""Jen, is the cat there?"" ""Yes"", the wife answers, ""why do you ask?"" Frustrated, the man answered, ""Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!""" +12075,2,Tumblr is like junk food They're both filled with trans fat. +12076,0,What did the astronomer say to his date? Uranus is huge +12077,0,Do you know who the beatles manager was? Brian Epstein. He actually did kill him self. +12078,0,What is the best way to stop a politician? A really strong gust of wind. +12079,0,A blind man walks into a bar And a table And a chair +12080,2,What’s the difference between a Gay man and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it. (Old joke some guy on a bus told me many years ago.) +12081,2,"A Classic Joke... A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. ""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ""Oh, God!"" she exclaims. ""Take me with you!"" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ""Ha, ha!"" he says, ""I'm the man from the bus!"" ""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume, ""I'm the bus driver!""" +12082,1,What is the worst about having alzheimer's and dierrhea? You're running but don't know where to. +12083,0,"A burger owner tries to promote his struggling business Desperate for money to pay for himself and his family, Tobias brainstormed ways to make more money with burgers. He puts an ad on the paper the next day stating that if anyone can eat 2 of his ""greasy cheesy biggie"" burgers within 30 minutes, they win $5,000 He thought he could make more money off of the sales of regular burgers with the people watching which would cover the prize The ad worked out for him, extremely well, as there were around 500 people who came out to the event, where everyone was buying burgers and drinks. He had easily made well over $5000 3 morbidly obese men came up for the challenge, each wanting some of that cash Just as the Tobias thought this was the best day of his life, the men all finished their burgers and he realized he was going to lose a fortune. He was shocked that a lawyer alone cost him $200 an hour" +12084,6,I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in. +12085,5,Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck. +12086,0,"A horse walks into a bar The patrons of the establishment, recognizing the potential danger of the situation, left the bar in an orderly fashion." +12087,0,"I'm worried about my boy... At breakfast this morning, when I handed him a box of Cheerios, he shouted, ""Omg, donut seeds!""" +12088,3,Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? She was a woman. +12089,2,Im sick of all these immigration jokes They're really crossing the line +12090,3,What is the gender of Iron Man? Fe Male +12091,0,[OC] Why did the statistician bet against the Millennials? Because he saw that the Aughts were against them +12092,3,"A vulture and his son A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things. ""Dad"" he whined. ""We've had nothing but dead rabbits for the last month. I want to try something new. I want to find some new food. Will you let me?"" ""Sure thing, Red. Nothing's stopping you. If you find something new, come back and tell me."" Red's dad finished up the rabbit kidney in his mouth and continued. ""If you don't, come back anyway. You're my son, and I love you no matter what."" Having been given his father's blessing, Red left the flat land and went in search of new food. His adventure didn't last long. After a run-in with an angry flock of geese, getting chased off a farmer's land with a shotgun, and almost getting hit by a Mack truck, Red gave up. There just was no other way to get food. Sighing, he took wing and went back to see his old bird dad. ""Dad, I'm back. It was a total disaster. I couldn't find anything."" ""I knew it would happen."" Red's dad answered. ""The same thing happened to me when I asked my dad if I could do it. Well, come on over. Dinner's on."" ""Dinner? I'm starving, dad. What are we having?"" Red waddled over, drooling. Red's dad shrugged his wings. ""Carrion, my wayward son.""" +12093,1,Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives? Because they'll worship the ground you walk on. +12094,0,"Sunderland aren’t a bad football team They managed to get out of the Championship on their first attempt, just like Newcastle" +12095,1,"I met my exgirlfriend while I was attending college... ... I went to the local community college, but she went to the Christian University of North Texas which explains a lot." +12096,0,What's are pirates favorite kind of weapon? RRRRtillary. +12097,5,"I remember the first time I got my daughter a drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home" +12098,0,Never seek the dead for guidance. They give really cryptic advice... +12099,2,"Garden of Eden Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.” God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. “She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.” Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?” God said, “An arm and a leg!” Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”" +12100,1,What do a wimpy cop and a bad chef have in common? They left the stake out. +12101,1,"Did you hear the one about the Indian man who drank 12 gallons of tea in one night? He went to bed and the next morning, he was found dead in his teapee" +12102,1,"A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night... ...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates. Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tentatively approaches, and carefully ties it in a bow onto his tallywhacker. They all giggle and shuffle off to church. Hours later our hero awakes, rights himself, and angles to a nearby alley to relieve himself. He lifts his kilt and is at first shocked by what he sees. He levels himself and says, “well me lad, I don’t know where ye been nor whatcha been doin’, but I’m proud to see ye won first prize!”" +12103,0,Where are all the hippy hamsters? Hamsterdam +12104,2,Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they lactose +12105,2,"Why can't blondes finish software updates? They can never find the ""any"" key." +12106,2,What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry? a soviet onion +12107,0,"I like my women like I like my whiskey 15 years old, and mixed up with coke. " +12108,0,"My wife asked me to rate her on a scale of 10. But I accidentally blurted 1. ​ Now I have officially resigned as a Fractions Expert and burnt my degree in Mathematics. ​ ​ It took me a fraction of a second to realize what I had done. Anyways, you will always be a 10/10." +12109,5,"Dave's in his backyard when he sees his new neighbor over the fence. Dave's in his backyard when he sees his new neighbor over the fence. He strikes up a conversation with his new neighbor. Dave: So neighbor, what do you do for work? Neighbor: I'm a professional Deducer. Dave: A Professional Deducer? What's that? Neighbor: It's hard to explain, it's easier if I show you, watch... The neighbor looks around Dave's backyard and spots a doghouse in the corner. Neighbor: I see you have a doghouse over there. Dave: Ya Neighbor: From that I deduce you have a dog. Dave: Well, ya. Neighbor: From that I deduce you have children to play with that dog. Dave: Yup. Neighbor: Because you have children, I deduce that you have a wife. Dave: Ya Neighbor: From the wife I deduce that you are a heterosexual man. Dave: Yes! That's really neat how you were able to do that from just the dog house! The next day Dave is telling a co-worker about his new neighbor's profession. Co-worker: Professional Deducer? What's that? Dave: It's actually easier if I give you an example. Co-worker: Ok. Dave: Do you have a doghouse? Co-worker: No Dave: Fag Edit: Formatting" +12110,2,"I've always pondered about the spelling of ""and"" in Spanish. Like... Just y?" +12111,2,How do you crash a muslims iphone? Airplane mode +12112,1,"I always thought my kitchen was worth more, until I had my house appraised. Moral of the story: Don't take your countertops for granite." +12113,4,Why do gay people dress so well? Because they spend most of their lives in the closet. +12114,5,"Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break,the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again,and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. ""No way,"" the blonde exclaimed. ""I almost got caught yesterday." +12115,4,What do Mexicans use to cut pizza? Little Caesars. +12116,1,"What does 'straight' mean? ...asked the son. Dad: Straight means something continuing in one direction without bending. Son: Dad, is mom straight? Dad: Yes son, she doesn't have any curves." +12117,1,"I think I am poor, stupid and ugly. At least my judgement is sound." +12118,1,The Pro Bowl is like the show “Whose Line Is It Anyway?“ The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. +12119,1,Did you hear about the guy who tripped over his collection of classical composer statues? They said he Baroque his Bach. +12120,0,"I just got sacked for having sex the back of my taxi. Well, technically, its a hearse." +12121,3,A bear walks into a bar Bear: Give me a whiskey ... and cola. Bartender: Why the big pause? Bear: I was born with them. +12122,0,I used to love John Deere and Massey Ferguson... but now I'm an ex-tractor fan. +12123,1,Irregular is something you never want to hear at a check up. Unless you’re at the ear doctor. +12124,1,What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh +12125,0,"A woman walks up to a man at a bar and asks ""You smell lovely, what do you have on?"" he replies "" I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell that.""" +12126,0,[NSFW] I'm NOT gay.... ...i'd suck dick for a girlfriend +12127,2,How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'? Evidently all of them. +12128,1,"A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, ""no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"" Looking a little irked, the performer wiped sweat off their brow. ""No,"" came the confession. ""Earlier today one of my students asked if they could take notes while I practiced, and I didn't know that *that* kind of note-taking meant I'd forget half my pieces for tonight! All my sheet music disappeared!""" +12129,3,What’s the difference between a gang and the government? Only one is organized. +12130,0,Lice I hope you all get lice +12131,1,What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels. +12132,7,"My son asked me, ""Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?"" I smiled and answered... ""Swarm.""" +12133,2,"I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die... White man always leavin' me hanging" +12134,4,"[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ... Then breaking the silence I spoke ... ""Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ..." +12135,1,"The Cleveland Browns visited an orphanage last week after their loss. ""It was so sad to see all the pain and hurt in their eyes."" Said Katie, age 7." +12136,1,If my dick was a dude... He would prefer the term little person +12137,1,"As a baker, dough is not just something that I want It's something that I knead " +12138,3,"At the beginning of the school year, a teacher is warned to NEVER make a bet with Little Johnny On the first day of class, Johnny walked up to the teachers desk and said ""I bet you fifty dollars I can guess what color your panties are at the end of the day."" The teacher remembered what she was told, but she had an idea, so she takes Little Johnny's bet. During the next class, she went into the bathroom, and took off her panties for the rest of the day. At the end of the day, Johnny walked up to the teachers desk and says ""Blue!"" The teacher lifted up her dress to reveal that she was not wearing any panties. ""okay, come out to the car, I have the money in there"" When they arrive to the car, Johnny's Dad shouted in rage. ""Why are you so angry?"" the teacher said. ""My son bet me 100$ that he would see your pussy by the end of the day.""" +12139,6,Iron Man is technically a FEmale. I will downvote myself on the way out.... +12140,1,"When I first got my licence my mother always told me... ""It's not you I'm worried about, it's the other guys."" Which is wrong.... Guys aren't the only problem. *pulls down visor mirror and applies eyeshadow, and lipstick while simultaneously posting to snapchat.*" +12141,0,Why can't we have a female President? She won't admit that she's 35 +12142,0,"My bakery was recently robbed. Now, I've seen a lot of robberies before... But this takes the cake!" +12143,0,"Who’s drunk, Irish, and is always at your house? Paddy O’Furniture" +12144,0,Confidence can move mountains but.. Mountain moving isn't a great career choice. +12145,3,What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip. +12146,2,If you have sex with two other people it’s called a threesome If you have sex with three other people it’s called a foursome.... I guess that’s why they call me handsome. :( +12147,0,What's the difference between a cheap curry and a cheap hooker? (NSFW) One quickly goes mouth to ass and the other goes ass to mouth. +12148,2,My life is just like my dick. Women make it hard for no reason. +12149,1,"A Plane Has Engine Trouble and the pilot tells the passengers that they need to unload some weight or the plane will crash. Unfortunately they can't get to the luggage and there are no parachutes, so in order to save the plane, three volunteers need to jump out of the plane and sacrifice their lives to save the others. The first volunteer is an Englishmen. He stands up and says, ""God save the queen!"" He jumps out, kills himself. Next, a Frenchman stands up. He says, ""Longue vie à la France!"" or long live France. He jumps out, kills himself. Next, an American stands up. He says, ""Remember the Alamo."" He shoves a Mexican out. " +12150,2,"Two nuns are driving down the road... Two nuns are driving down the road in a convertible, when suddenly a vampire swoops down and lands on the hood of their car. The two nuns start freaking out as the vampire tries to reach into the car to get them. The one nun shouts to the other in panic, ""Quick! Show him your cross!"" To which the other nun yells ""Get the fuck off our car!!!""" +12151,0,Why is it so hard to be gay in a nudist colony? There aren't any closets to come out of +12152,0,"My girlfriend asked me what the latest trend on r/jokes was ,and that's how the fight started." +12153,0,"Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow? Because she's really French, and the French have no GUTS!" +12154,3,I recently decided to sell my old Roomba. All it was doing was gathering dust. +12155,3,How can you tell your girlfriend is getting chubby? She fits in your wife's pants. Credit goes to: An unknown schmeckle with far more game than me. +12156,2,My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5. +12157,2,Someone actually complimented me on my driving today They left a note under my windshield wiper that said “Parking Fine” +12158,0,How many baby's does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them +12159,2,"“Customer feedback.” A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?” The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!” The girl slapped him soundly. “What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek. “Customer feedback.” " +12160,5,What do we want? Airplane sounds! When do we want them? Neeeeaaaowwww! +12161,3,If Trump continues his anti climate change campaign and the provocation towards North Korea the only wall we will be building will be... Wall-E +12162,5,"You know you're ISIS if... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees. You have more wives than teeth. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.' You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.' You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat." +12163,3,"A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches... ""Captain, an enemy ship approaches!"" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest. The captain turned to his first mate and said, ""Bring me my red shirt."" The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won. A few days later, there was another shout from the crow's nest. ""Captain, two enemy ships are approaching!"" The captain again turned to his first mate and said, ""Bring me my red shirt."" Still confused, the first mate brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the two enemy ships and surprisingly won. The first mate went to the captain and asked him why he always wore the red shirt when they went to battle. ""Well, if I were to ever get wounded during a fight,"" the captain explained, ""I don't want the enemy to see my blood and think I'm weak, so I wear the red shirt to hide it."" The first mate thought this was very smart of the captain, so he was prepared to bring him the red shirt when he heard the cry from the crow's nest. ""Captain, TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS are approaching!"" The captain turned to his first mate and said, ""Bring me my brown pants!""" +12164,1,What do you say when you see a Chelsea winger strangling someone? Choking Hazard +12165,0,Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea My Mom: That’s what I told your father the night I had you. +12166,0,"What's Donald Trump's favorite spaghetti? Spaghetti alla Putin\\_esca. ​ \\[OC for your pleasure on this 26 Aug, 2019\\]" +12167,1,Chicken Pot Pie three of my favorite things +12168,1,Police were called to the scene of a murder A man escaped a mental hospital and stole some porcelain figurines. Later that night he snuck into a farmers field and used them to beat a cow to death with them. It was the first documented case of a nic-nac patty wack +12169,0,"Caesar tried to run when the senate came after him... but his leg muscles couldn't carry him fast enough. As he fell to the ground he cried out ""Et tu, glutes!""" +12170,0,"A black man is running at a track while a couple of strangers watch him. In front of them, he suddenly takes a bad step and falls, twisting his knee. He screams in pain and agony as his knee rapidly starts swelling. One stranger says to the other, ""Wow, look at that knee grow.""" +12171,1,why did the old lady fall down the well? she didnt see that well +12172,0,If Tide and Pepperidge Farm made Tide Pod flavored Goldfish Crackers... ... Would it be the forbidden snack that smiles back? +12173,4,"Little Timmy and lateral thinking... In class the teacher asks Timmy ""There are five birds perched on a branch. The hunter shoots one. How many are left?"" Timmy: ""None madam."" Teacher: ""No. Listen. Five birds on a branch, the hunter shoots one...How many are left?"" Timmy: ""None madam. The others got scared and flew away."" Teacher: ""It's not the correct answer but I like how you think."" The next day Timmy walks to his teacher and asks: Timmy: ""There are three women sitting on a bench, each eating an ice cream cone. One is licking it, one is biting it and one is sucking it. Which one is married?"" The teacher is a little uncomfortable so does not answer right away but pretends to hesitate and says: ""The one who...sucks it?"" Timmy: ""No. It's the one wearing a wedding band but I like how you think."" ;)" +12174,0,When is a door not a door? When it's ajar! +12175,0,Did you hear about the algebra teacher with constipation? he worked it out with a pencil. +12176,1,"When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer. Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought... Twenty years later, my wife and I are on a road trip to head over to Anaheim, California, for our yearly vacation. We go see Universal Studios, we take a peek at DisneyLand, and we go to SeaWorld since my wife always wanted to see a dolphin. The dolphin attraction was quite fascinating; they had a system where you could pay a quarter and have a keeper give a dolphin a piece of fish for you - and since dolphins are so smart, the young ones figured that they could put in a little elegance to please their audiences in order to get more fish. The youngest dolphins were served by a man that looked vaguely familiar to me, and I spotted him again once we were leaving the park. I approached him, and sure enough, it was none other than Justin Reimer! My wife and I walk over to him, I introduce the two together, and we invite him for a beer. While we're discussing things over a pint, I ask him why he's at SeaWorld. ""I thought you were gonna go big, dude! You even got into fucking HARVARD! Hell, half the class thought you were going for President!"" ""Well, Anon, after I graduated, Suma Cum Laude, I went to work for the second-largest law firm in New York City. I was doing so well, I was offered a partnership in the law firm, and I accepted. A few years passed and the firm was doing great, then someone from the Republican Party came to me and asked me if I wanted to '... become a senator. We think you have a chance at winning the upcoming election.' This was gonna be a major change in my life, and I told him I'd take some time to reflect on it. That weekend, I went out to my summer house in The Hamptons to do some hard thinking. So I took a good hard look at my life and realized that I wasn't on a path that was morally sound, for me. After all, being a lawyer is just helping wealthy criminals beat the system. And the Republican Party? I mean... c'mon. 'This just isn't for me', I thought. So, when I saw a posting for the job I'm currently working, which is feeding baby dolphins, I figured 'Why the hell not?' Because here, at SeaWorld, I find I truly have a chance to serve a youthful porpoise.""" +12177,1,What did Sea say to land when he asked if she wanted to meet up sometime Shore +12178,0,They say there are several reasons that soda and coffee can eat away at your teeth. But I’ve got ten to the minus seven reasons not to worry about water. +12179,0,What do you call a bout of gas after eating too many garbanzo beans? A post-hummus release +12180,0,What do you get when you cross a Marxist with a Socialist? Two people who generally feel that the value of a commodity is equal to its socially necessary labor time. +12181,0,I dont understand homophobes Why would you be scared of homes? +12182,2,I was telling my deaf girlfriend we are breaking up... I guess she didn’t see the signs +12183,2,Did you hear about the gay druggy in Dubai? He kept getting stoned. +12184,0,There was only one person that didn’t believe I got my bachelor’s degree My fiancé +12185,1,Where does George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies *best joke my eleven-year-old past self ever heard +12186,2,"There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death. I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen." +12187,0,"I can finally set my tivo to record ""the biggest loser""... ...kept trying to record the jets game" +12188,1,What does a vegan and a 2 year old have in common? They're both screaming about something unintelligible. +12189,1,"So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said ""Tenpin?"" I said, ""No, it's a permanent job."" - Tim Vine, King of the one liners. " +12190,1,What‘s an Emos favorite sub? /wrists +12191,0,"Donald Trump Gets Into An Elevator... A beautiful woman gets on at the next floor. It's just the two of them. ""Oh my God! You're Donald Trump. I've always admired you. Can I give you a blow job?"" Trump looks at her and says ""What's in it for me?""" +12192,4,I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today. Turns out it's tomorrow. Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke. ​ *Credit: Gary Delaney* +12193,4,"A teacher was concerned about the progress of one of her students Billy was in the third grade but he was still having trouble with basic maths problems. His teacher noticed this and offered to help Billy work on his maths with some 1 on 1 tutoring. She begins by asking him ""Billy, if there are 3 birds in the tree and your daddy comes along and shoots one of them, how many birds are left in the tree? "" ""There is none"" Billy replies. ""How do you figure that Billy?"" She asks ""Well after he shoots one out of the tree the other 2 will get scared off by the gunshot and fly away"" says Billy . The teacher looks slightly puzzled but is impressed and says ""that's not quite the answer I'm looking for but I like the way you're thinking."" Billy then asks ""can I ask you a question miss?"" The teacher agrees, so Billy asks ""If you see three ladies eating an ice cream, if one of them is sucking it, one of them is biting it and he other is licking it, how do you tell which one is married?"" The teacher looks even more puzzled and she replies ""uhh I don't know the one licking it is married?"" Billy replies ""No can tell by which one is wearing a wedding ring. Not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking miss.""" +12194,4,My friend said he didn't understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us. +12195,2,"A man dies and goes to Heaven A man dies and goes to heaven, he goes to the gates and meets St. Peter. He sees a wall of clocks and. Ask ""what's with all the clocks? They all have different times"" St. Peter replies ""they represent people's lies. The more they lie, the more they turn."" He looks around and sees a clock that never moved and asks ""whose clock is that, it looks like it's still"" St. Peter replies ""That's St. Theresa's, she's never told a lie."" He then sees a clock and asks ""whose clock is that? It looks like it barely moved"" St. Peter replies ""That's Abraham Lincoln, he only told 2 lies"". The man continues to look around and asks ""Where's Hillary Clinton's?"" St. Peter replies ""Oh, that's in God's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan""" +12196,1,Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lack toes. +12197,0,What did it cost to join the pirates crew. An arm and a leg +12198,0,"First impressions are difficult Different people are good at different types of first impressions. For instance, I’m really good at job interviews. I can get called into an interview and no matter what, I’ve got the job, %100 of the time. But when it comes to first dates, I just can’t seem to nail ‘em" +12199,1,"An American tourist stopped in a bar in Ireland for a drink... A man from the United States went on vacation in Ireland. He stopped in a bar and ordered a shot of whisky. While the barkeep was preparing his drink, he asked the man next to him, ""Hey, how strong is the whiskey here in Ireland?"" The man responds, ""O, it's quite strong! Why, I had a few last week! They were so strong I got up for 7 A.M Mass the next day!"" The tourist looks puzzled. The man at the bar continues. ""Oh yeah, real strong! I even stayed after Mass for Adoration and prayed a rosary!"" Now the tourist is thoroughly confused. He responds, ""I'm sorry?"" ""Oh, couldn't you tell?"" the man replies. ""I'm a Jewish Rabbi!""" +12200,2,Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? Guys will actually look for the golf ball. +12201,5,"3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes,but there was no way to light them.What did they do? Threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter." +12202,9,"I don't always tell dad jokes But when i do, he laughs " +12203,3,"Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products. It’s true, this is something you can’t make up" +12204,0,My GF is tired of the long foreplay I need to get hard. She wants me to autocorrect before we have sex. I told her to fuck herself and left. Edit: auto erect. +12205,0,Boy who fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed. *~Confucius* +12206,4,"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim? ""Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?""" +12207,1,"My Father called my entire family out of bed to hear this joke, so you guys better enjoy it ""How do you catch a unique rabbit?"" Unique up on it! ""How do you catch a tame rabbit?"" Tame way! Unique up on it! I honestly groaned when he told it..." +12208,1,A drunk will blow through the stop sign! A stoner will wait for the stop sign to turn green. +12209,0,There was a kidnapping at my school today. Dont worry he woke up. +12210,2,"My wife always takes all my covers. It's tiring, so I'm encouraging her to write her own songs for once." +12211,3,How does a man who has just had his legs cut off at the ankles feel? Defeated +12212,1,"Forgetful Dog A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”" +12213,4,All the periodic jokes Argon? I don't Zinc so. +12214,1,"The ghosts of Christmas past, present and future are all sitting in a bar together. What a tense atmosphere. " +12215,0,Next year I will vote for president Trump I just could not resist +12216,0,Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the darkside. +12217,3,How much semen does a gay guy have? A buttload. +12218,2,My wife left me this morning My wife left me this morning. She said I never open enough about my feelings and she feels that we’re not communicating anymore. I didn’t know what to say. +12219,8,What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand. +12220,0,"My ex posted on facebook about the smallest man she's ever been with And how she left him there on the spot, I thought it was hilarious, until I realised she was talking about me. " +12221,4,What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREEEEEATHE!!!!! +12222,0,How do you get a Korean man fired up? Call him a Chinaman +12223,0,How does an Italian say goodbye to a German in New York City? Arrive-deutsch-i! +12224,0,"Sergeant to hillbilly recruit: ""Get in that restroom and clean that mess. It's urine. ​ Recruit: ""Ain't mine Sarge, must be your'n. ​" +12225,0,"So I had a joke about Windows.. But I'm still stuck on the ""Getting Windows ready"" screen" +12226,0,Where do you put a smart kid who causes mayhem? In a STEM cell +12227,0,"Teacher: I want you in my office..... Teacher: I want you in my office *Goes to his office* Me: yes sir, tell me how can I help you? Teacher: Roll me a joint sucker!" +12228,1,Whats a Egyptian gods’ favorite food? Raman +12229,4,"TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own Whoops, wrong shrub." +12230,0,"Why did Apple choose to release the iPhone 8 and 10, but not 9? Because 7 ate 9. I'll leave." +12231,2,How to twerk step 1. Reconsider +12232,1,"What did Bo Peep say to Woody when he caught her with Buzz Lightyear? ""You've got a friend in me!""" +12233,0,What do you call a Top 40 song about marijuana? A bong hit. +12234,9,"On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge.... ""If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"" A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says ""Franklin Delano Roosevelt"". ""Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off"" the teacher replies. ""I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday"". ""Ok"" says the teacher ""Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"" This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises. ""Abraham Lincoln"" ""Correct Susie."" the teacher asserts ""Enjoy your day off"" Susie says ""Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning"". ""Fucking immigrants!"" a voice says from the back. ""Who said that?!"" the teacher snaps. ""Donald Trump..."" says little Johnny ""...I'll see ya Tuesday"" Edit: Thanks for touching me in a special place Midas." +12235,1,The great thing about democracy... ....is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid +12236,3,"A gorilla walks into a bar. He goes to the counter, slides ten bucks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender takes his money and thinks, ""He's a gorilla, what does he know about prices?"" He hands the gorilla his beer, slides him back fifteen cents, and says, ""You know, we don't get many gorillas in here these days."" The gorilla sips his beer and says, ""Yeah, and at nine-eighty-five a drink, I ain't coming back either."" " +12237,2,I trapped a couple vegans in my basement At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf​!' +12238,4,"The Hammer The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, ""You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."" A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, ""You bastard."" The judge says, ""You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."" The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, ""You God-damned bastard."" The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, ""Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, ""For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.""" +12239,3,"GIVE IT TO ME! She yelled... ""I'm so fucking wet... Give it to me now!"" You can scream all you want, you're not getting my umbrella!" +12240,2,I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine... The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye. +12241,3,"Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute, because she can wash her crack and sell it again!" +12242,1,what do you call someone who is about to inherit a modest fortune? A millionheir +12243,3,Life Hack: give your next kid a normal name Me: are you still mad your mom and I named you Life Hack? +12244,0,Which page is the most dangerous in a newspaper? C-4! +12245,0,Why did the feminist get triggered? The police found it easier than arresting her. +12246,2,What do you call a one legged Asian lady? Irene +12247,1,"Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish. That way I always wake up with a morning Woody. " +12248,2,Why Did The Mexican Immigrant Take Xanax? He Had Borderline Anxiety. +12249,1,"You have to be a monk. A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk 😉" +12250,2,What do you call a snowman that frequently has sexual intercourse? A snowplow. +12251,1,What do you call a crime against the forest? Treeson +12252,2,Where do fat people live? Obesity. +12253,9,I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels Unfortunately she didn't know I existed. +12254,0,How is Bettie Page like the owner of a gorilla who throws fruit? He has a large berry heaver. +12255,0,My friend got a tan because he was so pale... I don't know what being a bucket had to do with it. +12256,2,"I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road. Which got me a free bed for a while." +12257,4,"Two aliens are talking to each other in space. The first alien says, ""The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."" The second alien asks, ""Are they an emerging intelligence?"" The first alien says, ""I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves""" +12258,1,"OMG! Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: ""Good morning Monsignor!” Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: ""Good morning your Grace!” Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: ""Good morning you’re Eminence!” The fourth mother pause and says: ""My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: ""Oh My God!”" +12259,0,What did God yell aloud when he walked into his son’s room and found him masturbating? Jesus Fucking Christ! +12260,2,How do you make music when you're dead? By de-composing. +12261,0,Hospitals are the most dangerous places on Earth! People die there all the time! +12262,0,How do you like the new upvote sound I don’t hear it either +12263,2,What social media does Thanos use Snapchat. +12264,5,"A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the closet to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the closet, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: ""Dark in here."" The Man says: ""Yes, it is."" Boy: I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"" Man: No, thanks."" Boy: My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"" Man: ""OK, how much?"" Boy: ""$1,000."" A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the closet together again. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: Yes, it is."" Boy: ""I have soccer boots."" The Man, remembering the last time, and asks the boy: ""How much?"" The Boy says ""$5,000."" The Man says: ""Fine, I will buy them."" A few days later, the Father says to the boy: ""Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."" The Boy says: ""I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."" The Father says: ""That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your ""SINS."" They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The Boy says: ""Dark in here."" The Priest says: ""Don't start that shit again!"" THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE ! " +12265,3,"A police officer candidate goes in for an interview The chief hands him a pistol and says ""I need you to shoot a black guy and three white rabbits."" The candidate asks ""why the white rabbits?"" The chief says ""that's the attitude we're looking for around here!""" +12266,2,"Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys? Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer." +12267,1,Knock-knock Come in +12268,0,My family seem to think I'm a criminal.... ....they keep complaining that all of my Christmas presents are Stollen? +12269,0,What's the only food they serve at raves? Seizure Salad +12270,2,Necrophilia... There's nothing like cracking open a cold one. +12271,0,"What did area say to perimeter while arguing? I’m trying to talk to you, but I feel like you’re just going around my problem." +12272,0,Why did Carl Jung stop talking to Sigmund Freud? He wouldn't stop talking about anal. +12273,3,"Roger Bannister, the guy who first broke the 4 minute mile, just died at 88. He had a good run." +12274,4,"Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday. At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : ""Occupation? "" The German replied: ""No, no, no, just visiting this time""" +12275,6,Why do they call it marijuana possession And not joint custody +12276,2,Naming a child I took more time to name my first Wi-Fi than my first child. +12277,1,I never really understood porn. Is it supposed to be this hard? +12278,1,"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control." +12279,3,"Joke my 89 year old grandfather told me for the first time today. A union boss in Germany finishes his work for the day and is feeling a bit frisky so he heads to the local whorehouse. He walks in and says to the madame ""Before we get down to business I have to ask, are your girls unionized?"" The Madame says they aren't. ""Well then, I'm afraid I can't in good conscious give you my business. Good day to you!"" The Madame sees that he's heading down the street to the next nearest whorehouse. She quickly calls them and explains the situation and says that if they want his money they should just lie and say they're unionized. So the guy walks in to the second whorehouse and asks if they are unionized. The Madame replies that they are. The guys says ""Great! Let me see your girls and we can get down to business."" A parade of beautiful girls come in and he chooses the most beautiful, young, busty blonde he'd ever seen in his life. The busy blonde leads him upstairs to the bedrooms and tells him to wait on the bed. Minutes later an old, shriveled hag comes in and begins to ""service"" him. After the initial shock wears off he fighters her off and yells for the Madame to come upstairs. ""What the hell is this?!?!?"" He screams. ""Where's the young busty blonde I picked?"" ""Sorry for the misunderstanding, the problem is we're unionized and Agnus has seniority.""" +12280,2,"A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: ""You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."" The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan. The doctor examines him and says, ""You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"" The man replies, ""Yes a few in the USA."" The doctor says, ""I bet they told you it had to be cut off."" The man answers, ""Yes!"" The doctor smiles, nods, ""That is not correct.! It will fall off by itself.""" +12281,1,"A mexican is crossing the border The guard says, ""if you can use the words pink, green and yellow in a sentence, I'll let you across."" The Mexican agrees, and thinks for a while the says, ""I hear my phone going 'green green', so I pink it up and say 'yellow!'""" +12282,3,"A man walks into a bar Inside the bar was a donkey, the man asks the bartender ""What's up with the donkey?"" The bartender replies ""If you can make my donkey laugh then you drink for free tonight."" The man then walks over to the donkey and whispers into it's ear, the donkey then starts laughing, so the man got free drinks for the night. The next night, the man returns to the bar and asks the bartender if the same promotion was still available. The bartender tells him yes but this time he has to make his donkey cry. So the man takes the donkey out back and in less than a minute they both return and the donkey is crying, so while the bartender serves the man his free drink he says ""I gotta ask, how did you do it?"" The man after taking a drink replies ""Yesterday I told him that I have a bigger dick than him, today I proved it.""" +12283,2,"Why did the elf go to kindergarten? To learn the elf-a-bet! I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to ""elf-a-bet"", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue." +12284,0,"What’s green with wheels Grass, I lied about the wheels" +12285,1,What is a surfer guy's favorite horror movie? Saw duude! +12286,0,"On March eleventh, food may taste different. There's a thyme change. " +12287,0,"Last weekend, we played paintball at a Weight Watchers congress. It was a mass shooting." +12288,0,"If an indian made a harsh joke.... And u called him savage, Would he get offended?" +12289,1,"Guy walks into a bar with a monkey... ...He places the monkey on a stool next to him, then orders a drink. After the first couple of drinks the monkey notices a bowl of peanuts sitting next to him. The monkey proceeds to take out a peanut and, examining it, he puts the peanut up his ass then eats it. The monkey continues to do this with the next several peanuts until the bartender sees this odd behavior. ""Hey! What the hell is with our monkey?"", asked the shocked bartender. The man looks over at the monkey and says ""Oh it's no big deal. He always does that when he eats anything small."" ""Why?"", asked the flabbergasted bartender. The man then puts down his drink, sighs, and says ""Well, a couple of years ago we were at this other bar and my monkey accidentally ate an 8 ball. " +12290,3,How warm are babies when they're just born? Womb temperature +12291,1,"An old couple prepares to go to sleep... The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ""Why are you on the floor?"" The old woman replies, ""Because I want to feel something hard for a change.""" +12292,0,"A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, when they see a little boy tying his shoe on the sidewalk... Priest: ""Let's fuck him."" Rabbi: ""Outta what?"" I'll let myself out." +12293,0,"Commitment and eggs Max: I hear you and Abby are in a committed relationship. Nate: No way! We’re deeply involved, but we’re not committed. Max: Deeply involved but not committed? What’s the difference? Nate: Well its a lot like bacon and eggs. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed!" +12294,3,The only addiction I can't beat is jerkin' off wait... +12295,6,I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend Love meant nothing to her +12296,1,"How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ""Ribbit, ribbit"" and a horny toad says, ""Rub it, rub it.”" +12297,2,What do old people and shoplifters have in common? They both leave stores with more shit in their pants than they came in with. +12298,3,Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM +12299,0,My crush asked me are you gay ? i just fucked her and then answered yes :D she said O thank God i am still virgin +12300,1,"I lost my watch at a party Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch. " +12301,1,"What does the urinal say to the toilet? ""You're so full of shit"" Toilet responds: ""Piss off"" " +12302,0,You and I Add up better than a Riemann Sum. +12303,3,"In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards. Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him." +12304,4,If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country. Not a political repost I'm just getting deported +12305,3,"Three construction workers...... ......an English, a Scotish and an Irish are working on a sky scraper. The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims ""Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself off this building!"" The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims ""Aye, I've got fucking chicken mayo again, if I have this tomorrow I'll throw myself off this building as well!"" The Irishman opens his lunch and says ""I've got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, I'll join you in jumping off this building!"" So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all proceed to jump off the sky scraper. A few days later, at their funerals, their wives stood weeping. ""If I would have known Pete didn't want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!"" Said the English man's wife. The Scotsman's wife nodded ""Yes, If i knew Stephen didn't want chicken mayo then I would have made something different too."" The Irishman's wife was crying harder than all and simply said ""I just don't understand... Paddy always made his own sandwiches""" +12306,1,"I've met many Richards... However, some of them are Dicks." +12307,1,I wanted to make a chemistry joke... But I'm too basic. +12308,2,What is the pinnacle of laziness? Having a remote control for your remote control. +12309,0,"Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner If Breakfast and Lunch are *Brunch*, and Lunch and Dinner are *Linner*, then Dinner and Breakfast must be *Dickfast*" +12310,1,What do you call Jews who love 80's punk? Bar misfits. +12311,4,"There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a ledge, who fell off first? The big moron, because the other guy was a little more on." +12312,1,Why did the pirate not like the old video game with a liberal-leaning political message? It was hard to port +12313,1,I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy +12314,1,What does thanos sing in the shower? Another one bites the dust +12315,0,Three priests are in a shower full of inmates One of the priests starts to walk to another inmate from behind his hiding spot. Luckily the guards were there to stop them and escort them out of the juvinile detention centre. +12316,0,What do chemtrail conspiracy theorists do with pieces of evidence contradicting their claims? They barium. +12317,1,"A man and a woman are interviewing with the FBI After days of grueling physical and mental challenges, there remains just one more challenge. The interviewer hands the man a gun and tells him to go into a nearby room and kill the person in there. The man comes out a moment later, shaken. Out of earshot of the woman, he tells the instructor ""That was my wife in there! How could you ask me to shoot her? I could never do that!"" The instructor reaponds ""Don't worry, the gun wasn't loaded. We just wanted to make sure you're a thinker and not a killing machine."" The instructor hands the woman the gun and gives her the same instructions. She goes into the room and for a moment there is silence, then a series of loud thuds punctuated by screaming. She comes out a moment later, hair mussed up, panting and covered in blood. She angrily tells the instructor ""This gun isn't loaded you dumbass. I had to beat my husband to death with the chair he was sitting in.""" +12318,3,I'm reading a book about antigravity Its impossible to put down +12319,0,"Why can't you make ass out of play-dough? Because it's fun to play with, not to eat." +12320,1,"3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by cannibals. They take them to their chief. The chief tells them, ""Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."" The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says ""Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."" He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore is killed. The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same. He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, he starts laughing hysterically, and gets killed. At the Pearly gates, the first guy walks up to him and asks, ""You could have lived, why the fuck did you laugh?"" and the second guy replies, ""I couldn't help it, I looked over and the next guy was walking up with pineapples!"" " +12321,4,"What's the difference between a job and a wife? After 10 years, a job still sucks " +12322,1,Where do bakers need to take their dough for it to rise? To the east +12323,2,"A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden. Agnes goes to the local lake and casts her bait and within seconds she feels a mighty tug on the line. She reels in a beautiful fish every color of the rainbow! Surely this is a sign of god's grace and love, and it would be a perfect fish to serve to the Pope. The trouble is Agnes nor any of the other nuns had ever seen such a fish before and had no idea what it was or how to prepare it so they put it on ice and took it to the local village which had many experienced fishermen. When they entered a fishing shop with their catch they asked the shopkeeper what they had caught. He removed his sunglasses and said ""Oh goodness that's very rare! I haven't seen one in years. This fish is called a Sunnavabitch and is absolutely beautiful when prepared correctly!"" They thanked the fisherman for his advice and sought the services of a local chef for his input on how to properly prepare the Sunnavabitch. He said ""It must be treated gently! Lightly steamed until the flesh is just tender. This will make a fine meal for His Holiness!"" The following day Agnes left the fish with Mary and Isadore to begin cooking while she gathered fresh produce from around the Convent. Mary took special care to clean and gut the fish, leaving not a single scale or bone. Isadore took Agnes' herbs and vegetables and cooked them with the fish. No sooner had the meal come together than they heard a knock on the door and it was the pope himself! They graciously welcomed him in to their table and proudly placed the fish before him. They prayed and ate the meal as the Pope praised every bite, thanking God and the nuns for such incredible bounty. When finished the Pope said ""This-a meal was-a so good! But I have-a never had such a fish in-a all of my days. Who made-a this?"" Wanting to speak properly Agnes stepped forward and said ""Well your Holiness, I caught the Sunnavabitch, Mary cleaned the Sunnavabitch an Isadore cooked the Sunnavabitch. We are grateful it was to your liking"" The pope nodded knowingly to the three nuns and sat back in his chair and said ""You know, you fuckers are all right""" +12324,0,"Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the whole place, But it's their fault for not having windows." +12325,3,What does a French couple making love and an Ambulance have in common? They both go OuiOuiOuiOuiOui. +12326,4,I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses... but not yet. +12327,3,A witch was going to take a friend's broom for a ride But she couldn't drive a stick +12328,0,"What did the man with no arms say to his girlfriend after he fingered her? ""I toe'd ya, didn't I?""" +12329,1,What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint +12330,1,What does a gamer say to the stoner after he got his head hit by a rock? You took blunt damage!!! +12331,2,What shoes does hilliary clinton wear....... Scandals!!!!! +12332,5,"A guy walks into a bar to get some work done. Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to buy a drink first, all lower case and no spaces”." +12333,0,What Do You Call A Bad Mexican Restaurant? Shitpotle +12334,1,"Couple at next table: ""The thing is, Linda; some people just take things personally and completely overreact."" Me: (flips table)" +12335,2,"A sucessful business man retires A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. His closest neighbor is 3 miles away, and his mail/groceries are delivered once a week. He never has to see anyone again. He spends his time reading books, enjoying the nature, and in general enjoying his time alone. One day his doorbell rings, and he opens his door to a large, rough looking man. The man let's him know that his name is Lars, and he's his neighbor from about 5-6 miles up the road. He's having a party on Saturday, and the man is invited. ""This sounds great!"" the man thinks to himself. ""I've been here alone these past few months, and I'm starting to get a little lonely. Meeting the rest of the neighbors sounds like a pretty good time."" He says yes, and Lars is very happy to hear so. Before he goes, Lars gives him a warning: ""Just so you know, there's probably going to be some poker or other card games. I don't know how you feel about gambling, but some folks around here aren't too keen on it."" The man, having gone to a weekly guys poker night in his life in NYC, says he's totally fine with it. Lars speaks up again: ""Also, there's probably going to be some drinking. Lots of drinking. I don't know how you feel about alcohol, but some folks around here aren't too keen on it."" The man hasn't been drunk much since he left NYC, thinks it'll be a great change of pace, and says that sounds good! Lars speaks up one last time: ""There's a good chance there's going to be a lot of sex. These parties can get a little out of hand. I don't know how you feel about orgies, but some folks around here aren't too keen on it."" After his wild life in NYC, the man is no stranger to wild sexual experiences, and after several months of no sex, he agrees. Lars seems pleased, and turns to leave. The man stops him and asks: ""Wait, you forgot to tell me what time on Saturday."" Lars replies: ""You can swing by anytime you want. It's just going to be the two of us.""" +12336,0,"Guy comes to a shop with TV's He asks the salesman: ""Do you have any colored TV's?"" ""Yes, of course."" ""All right, give me an orange one then.""" +12337,2,The F# and C# on my piano don't play. F#c#. +12338,0,Idaho...a place where rednecks consider it a 'culturally diverse experience' to eat 'French' fries. (an ol' potato farmer just thought of this joke)...yours truly. +12339,3,The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day. Turns out he's just looking for his dog. +12340,0,Knock Knock Big Ben : Knock Knock DeShon Kizer : Who's there? Big Ben : Owen... DeShon Kizer : Owen who??? Big Ben : 0-16 +12341,0,"Just met a new maid She said : ""so glade to meet you""." +12342,0,I like my woman like I like my jokes Actually funny with no misleading features +12343,1,What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish? Armario de Joaquín +12344,2,What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire +12345,0,I was gonna make a joke about unicorns. It probably would be to corny (I'm not funny) +12346,2,They say its more expensive to live as a woman thats why they're called feemale. +12347,0,What's Jade Goody's Star Sign? Cancer +12348,0,What is Michael Jackson's favorite drink? Tea-hee!!! +12349,2,"I met a homeless man, named Rich. He wasn't." +12350,3,"I am a fried nut A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like ""HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE"". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like ""HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?"" And the string says ""nope, I'm a frayed knot."" " +12351,1,What do you call a Belgian with a cold? Phlegmish +12352,0,What's the difference between Jupiter and Uranus? You need a telescope to get a good look at Jupiter but you only need a hand mirror to get a good look at Uranus. +12353,2,"An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar The bartender says ""Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai""" +12354,0,Wanna hear a quick joke ? Usain Trump +12355,2,"Prostate and apologies if its a repost A man went though his Prostate exam with stoicism and thought good, thats done with, as the doctor walked out. Then the nurse walked in and muttered those three words no man wants to hear. ​ ""Who was that?""" +12356,0,My father left to get cigarettes and never came back... I really wanted those cigarettes too! +12357,1,Closet case I am a closet heterosexual. My wife and kids don't know I actually have sex occasionally. +12358,3,This Earth Day I decided I would become more environmentally concious So I'm starting to recycle jokes +12359,8,"Why do we refer to priests as ""father""? Because it would be too suspicious to call them ""daddy""." +12360,3,I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawking's book... ...It's about time. +12361,1,Did you hear about that rude homeless guy down the street? He made some roofless remarks. +12362,1,Why are Toblerone's triangular shaped? So they fit in the box. +12363,2,What's a rappers favorite toy? A yoyo +12364,2,"My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin. I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”" +12365,0,Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus? Or is it just a really cool opotamus? +12366,2,How does mother nature give birth? With a sea-section +12367,3,"A man enters a bar and walks towards his mate He passes two blondes and tells his mate, ""Those girls really like me, as I passed them they were saying 9, 9. I'm so hot"" ""They are German mate""" +12368,3,"I went to a hypnotist show last night. And i really felt sorry for him. He hypnotized 7 guys, then he dropped his mic on his foot and yelled ""FU*K ME""." +12369,1,"I have a 10 month old son and we've been advised that because of the executive travel ban, we shouldn't travel internationally with him until patellas develop. Because right now, they're pseudo-knees." +12370,0,"A panda doesn't like discrimination at all... He's white, black, Asian and fat at the same time...." +12371,1,"A cookie So a little boy gets home from school and looks to see his grandpa drinking a beer, so the little boy ask him if he can have a beer. The grandpa asks him can your dick touch your ass? So the little boy says well no... The grandpa says then no! The next day the little boy see's his grandpa smoking a cigar so he ask's can I have a cigar? The grandpa ask's can your dick touch your ass? To which the little boy replies well no. So the grandpa say's then no! So the following day the little boy is sitting eating cookies and drinking milk when his grandpa walks up and says those look good! Can I have some? So the little boy ask's him can your dick touch your ass? The grandpa proudly replies Well Yes it can! Then reaches for a cookie so the little boy slaps his hand and says then go fuck yourself these are my damn cookies!" +12372,3,I sold my vacuum the other day All it was doing was collecting dust. +12373,5,"A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator He asks, _""Do you serve lawyers here?""_ The bartender says, _""Yes, of course we do!""_ The man says, _""OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.""_" +12374,5,What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? One of them isn't an elephant. +12375,2,Why did the chicken cross the road into a parking garage? He'd been through a lot +12376,1,What happened when my dad forgot his glasses to the Warriors game? Steph Blurry +12377,2,How do you tell if a feminist is on their period? You can't. +12378,0,What did one Redditor say to another? I downvote you talking about. +12379,0,What’s Michael J. Fox’s middle name? J-j-j-John +12380,5,What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake +12381,0,If you fly like a Butterfree and sting like a Beedrill You most certainly are a Ditto +12382,0,After all these years don't you think it is time to make a change? The patriarchy needs to be crushed! Equality for All! End women's sufferage! +12383,1,"What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist? Q: What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist? A: A Genealogist looks up the family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up the family bush." +12384,1,What do you call a well endowed Nazi who isn't German? A Hung-arian +12385,0,"Why did Donald Trump cross the road? Because the mind-controlling Russians told him to. ​ P.s, just thought of this in the shower, unsure if it's original or not " +12386,1,What kind of music does MacGyver play? Jazz. He's a great improviser. +12387,0,Brussels: 3 year old kidnapped Slept for two hours +12388,1,"After a night on the town, a drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. ""Wha' my gonna do now? My wife'z gonna kill me."" ""Relax,"" the bartender says, ""give me a five-dollar bill."" The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. ""Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."" ""Thas's a great idea!"" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. ""Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, ""Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."" The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, ""There's $10 in here!"" ""Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too.""" +12389,0,"GEEKS and GACKS What is the difference between a GEEK and a GACK? A Geek is the initial programmer who delights in complex IF/THEN loops, hidden references and arcane abbreviations. A GACK is the subsequent programmer who tries to follow the Geek’s thought process only to exclaim in frustration, “GACK!”" +12390,2,Why did the coffee burn the hipster? Because it was hot. +12391,0,Trump supporters are so uneducated! Now give us that sweet prosperous socialism! *walks onto the highway* +12392,0,I ain't got virgin ears Fucked in the head my entire life. +12393,0,"A priest, a psychiatrist, and Leonidas are in a bar... A drunken man walks in asking where he is, and yelling that he is the one true God. The priest says ""This is blasphemy!"" The psychiatrist points out ""This is madness!"" Lastly, Leonidas yells to the man ""This is Sparta!""" +12394,1,What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe? Vault Disney +12395,4,"My bloodtype is really disappointing. My doctor keeps saying ""be positive""." +12396,2,What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese? Brie. +12397,3,"Kim Jong Un sent Donald Trump a letter... to let him know he was still open to denuclearization. Trump opened the letter and found a single-line coded message: 370HSSV - 0773H Trump was confused, so he asked his aides to figure it out. The aides couldn't understand where the code came from, so they forwarded it to the FBI. The FBI came back without an answer so they forwarded it to the CIA. The CIA had no idea so they reached out to the MSS (Ministry of State Security in China) for help. Within a few seconds, MSS wrote back with this reply: ""Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.""" +12398,1,what is a problem many male lizards have? ereptile dysfunction +12399,5,"What's similar about broccoli and anal? No matter how much butter you use, kids will never like it" +12400,1,I’m doubting if the baby is mine My bf had an affair with another girl a few months ago & yet today my doctor told me that I’m pregnant now. How the heck can I tell if the baby is really mine? +12401,0,What is the most expensive thing you can fit inside a backpack? The universe! Just define the inside of the backpack to be the outside! +12402,1,"New Yorkers confuse me... Half of them keep saying ""fuhgeddaboudit"" but the rest of them keep saying ""Never forget""." +12403,1,What sound does a funny creeper make? Ba dum tissssss +12404,0,What is Cosby's favorite snack? Jail-o +12405,3,"An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates... An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates. He comes up to Peter and Peter looks in his book but can't find the engineer's name. Peter said to the engineer ""Unfortunately, since I can't find your name in the book, you'll have to go to hell."" The engineer goes on his way without any protest. A few weeks later, Peter is looking through his book and he finds the engineers name. He calls down to Satan, panicked, to try and correct his wrong and bring the engineer home. After explaining the situation, Satan promptly tells Peter that they're keeping the engineer. Peter is flabbergasted and demands to know why they won't let the engineer go. Satan responds that since the engineer has been there, he installed a new aqueduct system that made hell quite a bit more pleasant and he had a few more plans ready to really improve the place. Peter demands that they let the engineer go, but Satan refuses. In a last-ditch effort to save the engineer's soul, Peter yells in desperation ""then we're just going to sue you!"" To which Satan replies ""Yeah? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?""" +12406,2,"(NSFW) I took my wife to the doctor following a mystery Illness... After pulling me to one side, he said ""We've narrowed it down to one of two things. Either she has a chronic heart condition or she is riddled with Aids."" ""What on earth am I going to do?"" I asked. He said ""When you get home, send her out for a 10 mile jog and if she comes back, don't shag her!""" +12407,1,What did the comedian say to the bartender after the show ? I'll have another round of applause +12408,2,I just found I'm asexual... I'm just looking for A person to be sexual with +12409,2,We shouldn't make fun of fat people. They already have enough on their plate. +12410,3,"A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman. She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. ""Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,"" he said, ""How much will you charge me?"" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ""How about $50?"" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ""Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"" He responded, ""That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"" The wife replied, ""You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've reading on Facebook lately."" Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. ""You're finished already?"" the startled husband asked. ""Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."" Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way,"" the teenager added, ""it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.""" +12411,2,Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them +12412,3,"A tourist backpacking through rural Ireland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, ""You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."" The old man continues, ""I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me O'Connor the bar-builder? No!"" He points out the window, ""You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them just so, through the rain and the cold. But do they call me O'Connor the stone wall builder? No!"" The old man points out the other window, ""You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own bare hands, drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank-by-plank. But do they call me O'Connor the pier builder? No!"" The old man looked down, took a swig from his pint, and turned back to the tourist. ... ""But you fuck one sheep..""" +12413,1,"12th Stroke of Midnight The Fairy Godmother said that all of Cinderella's things would magically turn back on the twelfth stroke, but looking at how milquetoast Prince Charming is, I bet he won't last 4." +12414,2,What is an English teacher's favourite tree? Poetry +12415,8,We should’ve known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flags. +12416,0,An interesting fact about owls. Their heads can rotate up to 360 degrees before it comes off in your hand. +12417,2,"Who are the highest paid generals in the military? General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics" +12418,2,They were out of bread at the Indian restaurant I was at The waiter said it was a naan issue. +12419,2,"I had to go to the same doctor SEVEN times to get my penis reattached Every time I saw him I yelled, ""Remember me!""" +12420,1,What is the CIA’s favorite band? Dead Kennedys +12421,0,What's the difference between a kid and a joke? A kid can joke but a joke cannot kid. +12422,1,"Three Guys Walk Into Bar [long] Three men walk into a bar. Bartender looks each one up and down and says ""I bet I can tell where each of yawl is from just by lookin at you, and if I'm wrong, I'll buy each of you a round of drinks."" The men snicker among themselves and shake his hand, excited they're about to get their drink on for free. First guy steps up, bartender gives him a quick glance over then tells him ""Well, you're from Georgia."" The man was dumbstruck, demanding how he could have known that. ""Well you got that Georgia red clay on your boots."" Next guy steps up, swings his boot up on a chair and asks ""alright, where am I from?"" Bartender takes a longer look then snaps his finger. ""Oh, you're from Texas."" Second man was even more upset than the first, ""How in the hell did you figure that out?!"" To which the bartender calmly replied ""Easy, you got that Texas manure on your boots."" The third guy stood a bit further back, he was on to this bartender by now. He took his time to shine his boots up real well, then stepped up to the bar with a cocky swagger. ""Alright genius, where am I from?!"" The bartender stepped back, then instantly retorted ""Oh that's easy. You're from Montana."" The third guy stood there with his jaw on the floor, flabbergasted, clearly the bartender was cheating somehow. ""How in the hell did you know that, I polished up my boots and everything!"" To which the bartender replied with a snicker; ""Yeah. But you left that sheep fuzz by your zipper.""" +12423,0,"A man walks into a dentist's office. He says to the dentist, ""I think I'm a moth."" The dentist asks, ""Why did you come in here? You need to see a psychiatrist!"" The man replies, ""Because the light is on.""" +12424,0,"Some friends call me by the place my dad likes to visit, which also happens to be the place of my conception Cunt." +12425,0,"I once knew a guy married to a nun... He got nun in the morning, nun in the evening, and nun at night. Poor fella." +12426,6,Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus? Because they make the toys. +12427,0,I like my eggs like I like my women Brown and branded +12428,0,I just lost it. The game. And so did you. +12429,0,"You are, as the British say, Artistic" +12430,5,What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? NSFW *gagging noise* +12431,8,Yo mamma’s so ugly... Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye. +12432,0,It's not that we don't want to address the elephant in the room..... but fat shaming is bad as it is. +12433,2,"A parrot is the headliner act for shows on a cruise ship... One day the cruise hires a really good magician to become the new headliner act. The parrot is furious with jealousy, so he starts watching the magician behind the scenes and eventually begins shouting out the secrets behind his tricks at the shows (i.e. ""It's up his sleeve!!"" ""He used a trap door""). One day the cruise strikes an iceberg and sinks. Everyone on board dies except the magician and the parrot. For three days they float around the ocean using the same piece of wood to hold on to. After the days the parrot finally says to the magician...""alright you got me, where's the fucking ship?""" +12434,3,Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason I feel so lisztless +12435,0,What's the best way a lady can hold her liquor? By the ears. +12436,5,"2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back. Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up. They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad or what ? What the hell are you doing ? The guys replied. We are from the government Forest department. We are a three guy team. My job is to dig up a hole , the other guy plants a tree and this guy fills the hole back. The middle guy called out sick today." +12437,0,"A man from the secret service walks into a bar. He immediately buys a girl a drink and starts chatting to her. They hit it off, and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom. The secret service agent turns to the bartender and says... ""I'm tapping that.""" +12438,1,Your mom is so slutty and egotistical She would go down on history to go down in history +12439,2,"So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. ""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."" Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.""" +12440,0,Hey girl did you fall from heaven? Cause I eat ass +12441,2,America was declared the country with most busty people. In the both genders category. +12442,0,"A got a foot fetish, but only for left feet... I know what your are thinking, that ain't right. Edit: I just saw someone write this in a comment and I can't find it anymore to give him credit, so knows let me know. " +12443,1,They said Viagra wouldn't turn a normal man into James Bond But it certainly made me Roger Moore. +12444,0,What do seasonal orgasms and smart graduating college students have in common? Summa cum laude +12445,0,"Bangin 92 year old Grandfather is carving turkey day bird. “How’s it going?” I ask. “Eh okay,” he answers, showing little contentment in his work. “No way,” I say, I think you’re doing a bang up job. “Ha,” he answers, “I haven’t had a bang up in a long time”." +12446,0,"I always hear others say that black people are lazy and bad workers, but I think they're completely wrong. I think black people are the hardest workers out there. Hell, they love work so much they'll do it for free!" +12447,1,What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike. +12448,0,They say we learn from our mistakes... That's why I'm making as many as possible. I'll soon be a genius! +12449,0,"Types of sex in a marriage Newlyweds have kitchen sex: sex in the kitchen, on the floor, on the table, etc.. After a while, it becomes bedroom sex, grabbing a quickie when the kids are asleep. Later it becomes hallway sex, where you pass each other in the hallway and say ""Fuck you"". " +12450,1,"A group of Scientists Removed the Right half brain of a man and ... then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, ""two, four, six, eight, ten."" Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, ""one, three, five, seven, nine."" The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, ""look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"" " +12451,2,Why did the grizzly get an A+ in his hibernation class? He slept through the entire semester. +12452,4,My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. +12453,0,What makes a hen glow? Nucliegg Power +12454,0,"I know a great knock knock joke Go ahead, you start. " +12455,0,I just finished an anger management program But now I'm sad it's over. +12456,5,"A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night.... When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him: ""Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"" The professor replies: ""I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."" The police officer says: ""Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"" The professor responds: ""My wife.""" +12457,1,Did you hear about the man that got kicked in the anus? It rectum. +12458,0,Did you here that Michael Jackson died of food poisening? Apparently he ate an 11 year old weiner. +12459,0,"Two more scientists walked into a bar. The first scientist said “ I’ll have some H20.” The second scientist said “ I’ll have some H20 ... also.”, thus avoiding a subtle but dangerous misinterpretation. The bartender said “ If you guys aren’t drinking alcohol, then I’ll have to charge you for the waters.” The two scientists both thought about the possibility of making jokes about subatomic particles that would use the term charge in a different way than the bartender. Ultimately they decided not to risk it and ordered some hot wings which although not alcohol still satisfied the need for the establishment to generate income from customers. The bar was named De Cartes Horse, which might mean that geometry jokes would go over better than chemistry puns anyway. The bartender, Ray, seethed as he placed the order with the cook/ bar back. He caressed the bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide next to his aluminum baseball bat and hoped he would get to use one of these things soon. Since they were hidden below the bar, he could touch them many times throughout the evening. He knew he needed help because his internal dialogue had stopped. He decided not to do anything different that day although he could feel his split brain pouting. Ray tried to think back to a time when he didn’t want to hurt others. Instead he only looked ahead, in one direction and slightly askew to where this would all end up. He couldn’t see an endpoint. " +12460,0,I told my woman that because I am a foot taller she shouldn't eat more than me. Apparently that makes me sexist. +12461,0,The US Government is having trouble finding Osama's son. He's bin laden low +12462,0,What happens when Trump makes a meme? it goes dankrupt. +12463,0,I don't know why my black friend got so upset when I told him he should stop smoking. I said black lungs matter and he freaked out. +12464,3,What do goths and the KKK have in common? They don't have to worry about mixing darks and lights in their washing machines. +12465,1,Why did the merchant refuse to sell me feces? He didn't give a shit +12466,2,"Sounds of a countryside Teacher in a class after holidays: ""Children, who has spent the last holidays at a countryside?"" Some pupils says that they have. ""What new sounds have you heard in there?"" ""A cow says MOO"" ""A cat says MEOW"" ""The guy next door says GET THE FUCK OFF THE TRACTOR!""" +12467,5,"I came home from the bar four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife. I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.” “Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!” “So can you” I said, “This isn’t our house anymore.”" +12468,2,What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. +12469,3,"My wife is like a hurricane... At the beginning there was a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end I lost my house." +12470,1,I don't get american's love to water They even had a water flavored beer. +12471,0,*cheese has holes* More cheese = more holes. More holes = less cheese. More cheese = less cheese ? +12472,0,How do you turn an Ambassador into a Sports car?? Put Snickers in the Glove Compartment +12473,4,"Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke. Period." +12474,0,What do you call a joke with no ending? +12475,5,"Thanks, student loans, for getting me through school I don't think I could ever repay you" +12476,0,How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking...J.K. Rowling +12477,1,"A woman goes to a fortune teller ""Can you read people's futures?"" asked the woman. ""Of course dear,"" said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, ""I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"" The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked nonetheless, ""What does my future look like?"" The fortune teller nodded and peered into her crystal ball. It lit up with various colors and different intensities of light then by the end, sudden darkness. Her expression all the while changed from surprise to fascination to sadness. This made the woman anxious to say the least. ""So? What did it you see?"" ""Well, right now you have two paths you may take. One good and one bad."" ""What are they specifically?"" ""The bad path puts you on a lonesome road. It is filled with sadness and you will soon fade from the minds of many people. You will not be recognized nor will you garner any riches, be it gold and other riches."" ""And the good?"" ""The good path will make you great and well known among many. You will be ahead of everyone else and the numbers will flow to you, they will be on your side. But..."" The fortune teller stops and peers back into the crystal ball which flickered. ""But what? It already sounds great, I'd choose that in a heartbeat, so what more is there?"" Asked the woman who got excited but became nervous once again. ""All this fame and fortune will lead this to become the worst thing which everybody hates and despises."" The crystal ball suddenly became as black as can be. The woman asked in a cold sweat, ""And what is that?"" ""A repost.""" +12478,3,My music teacher was arrested because he was caught fingering a minor +12479,2,"So, two wind turbines were standing next to each other One asked the other, "" what's your favourite type of music ? "" The first one replied, "" well, I'm just a big metal fan """ +12480,2,Medical researchers still haven't found a cure for premature ejaculation. But I hear that it's coming quickly. +12481,1,"My girlfriend said I have a pretty penis... I replied, ""I guess you could say its the belle of the balls"" hopefully you guys enjoy this joke more than she did." +12482,1,A priest and nun were doing BDSM Bible Discussion Study Meeting +12483,2,"A man is showing off his paintings at an art exhibit when he's approached by his agent.. His agent tells him ""I've got good news and bad news."" ""Okay,"" says the man, ""what's the good news?"" ""This woman has offered to buy all of your paintings! She loves them, and she thinks they'll skyrocket in price after your death."" ""Amazing!"" says the man, ""What could be the bad news?"" ""Well,"" says the agent, ""the woman is your doctor.""" +12484,0,What's the difference between the new reddit layout and a dumpster fire??? I don't know. +12485,0,"A woman is pregnant for the first time and about to give birth She is being brought to the hospital, ready for the delivery. The birth is hard and long, and the doctor barely knows what he is doing. He screams to the woman giving birth to ""PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!"" The woman pushes super hard, which makes the baby shoot out of the birth canal like a rocket. The newborn flies through the hospital room, crashes on a wall, thumps to the floor, and is dead. The next year, the same woman is pregnant again and about to give birth. She is being brought to the same hospital, with the same clueless doctor. This time around he prepared and put a plushy and soft mattress on the floor, in case the baby shoots out of the birth canal again. Anyway, he screams to the woman to ""PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!"" The woman pushes super hard, and again, the baby comes shooting out, flies through the hospital room, crashes on a wall and then thumps onto the plushy mattress. The baby is still dead. The following year, the woman is pregnant again, for the third time, and about to give birth. Again, she is being brought to the same hospital, and the same clueless doctor assists in the birth. This time, the doctor hired a professional football player to catch the baby safely, just in case. The doctor screams to the woman to ""PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! The woman pushes super hard, and again, the baby comes shooting out of her birth canal. The football player catches the baby, runs around the hospital room once, high-fiving all the nurses and the doctor in the process, smashes the baby on the floor and screams ""TOUCHDOWN!""" +12486,4,"Hey girl, are you a parking ticket? Because I picked you up on the street and now I can't afford to pay you." +12487,2,"An elderly couple is traveling around the US in their retirement. On one of their stops, the husband, Sam bought something he always wanted - a pair of cowboy boots. As they settled in for the night in their motel, Sam tried on the boots in the bathroom and came out to show his wife, Marge. ""Notice anything different about me, Marge?"" ""Nope,"" said Marge. Sam went back into the bathroom and took off all his clothes. He came back out into the room wearing only the boots. ""How about now, Marge? Notice anything different?"" ""Nope,"" said Marge. ""Look really hard - nothing new?"" ""Nope. It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow."" ""It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"" ""Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."" (courtesy of my Uncle on Christmas)" +12488,0,"To the person who stole my animal skins You can run, but you can't HIDE." +12489,3,Mood ring I got my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of blue. When she's in a bad mood it leaves an ugly red mark on my forehead. +12490,4,I always listen to mumble rap when I’m studying. It’s a constant reminder on why it is important to get educated. +12491,0,"I went to Sutter's Mill the other day... I thought it would be fun to try to pan some gold at that famous place.. I tried for hours, but couldn't get any. Not a single speck. It honestly made me really sad. Later, in the afternoon, I decided to leave empty-handed. My mood was at the lowest. But, an old man suddenly came up to me, and gave me a bit of gold. I didn't know him, he didn't know me. My day was made, just like that. Thanks for the gold, kind stranger." +12492,0,"Little Jhonny At Dinner Little Jhonny Was Ordered To Lead In Prayer. Little Jhonny: “But I Dont Know How To Pray?” Dad: “Just Pray For Your Family Members, Friends And Neighbours, The Poor, Etc” Little Jhonny Started The Prayer: Dear Lord, Thank You For Our Visitors And Their Children, Who Finished All My Cookies And Ice Cream. Bless Them So They Wont Come Again. Forgive Our Neighbor’S Son, Who Removed My Sister’S Clothes And Wrestled With Her On Her Bed. This Coming Christmas, Please Send Clothes To All Those Poor Naked Ladies On My Daddy’S Iphone And Provide Shelter For The Homeless Men Who Use Mom’S Room When Daddy Is At Work. Amen Dinner Was Cancelled" +12493,2,What's it called when you fry up an egg with a bunch of different ingredients? Omelette you figure it out +12494,1,"Donner: “Dasher, what’s wrong with Comet?” Dasher: “He just learned his wife ran off to Vegas and blew 50 bucks.”" +12495,0,Whats the difference between a baby and a pizza? A pizza won't scream if you put it in the oven. +12496,1,What did the bangladesh worker do when the light turned green? he bangla-dashed. +12497,1,TIL Asians regularly eat insects I heard they love lice +12498,0,What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay. +12499,0,How can you tell anime music from other music? Terrible background musi and impossible to understand the words Oh wait no that's rap +12500,0,Republicans are so good at mental gymnastics... ...that the Russian judges gave them an 11 +12501,0,"At the county fair... A young lady steps up to the ""Guess your Weight and Age"" booth at the county fair and askes the carnie running it what she wins if he can't guess. The carnie says, ""Young lady, if I can't guess your weight, you win this here pencil sharpener, and if I can't guess your age, you win this here coffee mug."" ""Those are pretty lousy prizes"", she replies. ""Well ma'am, if I can't guess the very exact day you were born, you win this giant stuffed teddy bear."" ""That's more like it!"" and she hands over the $2 fee. The carnie says, ""But in order to guess the precise day you were born, I'm going to need to feel your boobies."" A little shocked, the lass says, ""And you'll know the day I was born or I'll get the bear, right?"" ""That, young lady, is correct!"" The girl steps into the booth and the carnie slips his hands up under her blouse. He's giving those boobies a real working over and naturally the young lady is quite uncomfortable. After about four minutes, she withdraws, straightens her blouse and says, ""That should be enough! Now when was I born!"" ""Yesterday""" +12502,0,"I got kicked out of Guantanamo and put on a charge for not following orders, but it was an honest mix up. That'll probably be the last time I take three Afghans wakeboarding." +12503,1,"A Revolutionary War Hero Visits England.. A Revolutionary War hero was visiting England, where he was subject to considerable teasing banter. The British would make fun of the Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington and displayed it prominently in the outhouse so the American could not miss it. When he made no mention of it, they finally asked him if he had seen the Washington picture. The American said, “He thought that it was a very appropriate place for an Englishman to keep it.” When they asked why, the Revolutionary War Hero said: “Because there is nothing that will make an Englishman shit so quick as the sight of General Washington.”" +12504,6,"One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate! This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate. The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!” “Aye, laddie,” the pirate says with a toothy grin. “Wooow!!! I’ve never met a real pirate before! Ok, ok, how did you get your peg leg?” “Yar, I was thrown overboard in the Caribbean and a shark bit off me leg.” “Jeepers!” the young boy exclaimed. “That’s amazing!How did you get your hook?” “Yar, I was fightin’ buccaneers what was tryin’ ta take me ship, and one of ‘em chopped off me hand ‘fore I sent ‘im ta Davey Jones’ locker.” “Oooooohhhh that’s so cool!” the young boy said. “How did you get your eyepatch?” “Yar...well...a seagull pooped in me eye.” The boy’s enthusiasm turned to confusion. “How in the world did that make you lose your eye?” “Well...it was the first day with me hook.” " +12505,3,19 and 20 had a fight 21 +12506,0,"An Indian Chief was dying of a rare incurable disease None of the medicine men in his tribe were able to find a cure for him, so they sent members of their tribe across the world to seek help. One tribe member returned with a renowned Chinese herbalist. He examined the Chief in silence, and after some time he spoke. “You must drink 10 gallons of white tea, 15 gallons of green tea, and 20 gallons of oolong tea. If you do this you will be cured” So the Chief did as the man requested, and that night he drowned in his own teapee." +12507,1,Did you hear Korn and Bone Thugs are collaborating? They are going to be known as Bone Thugs and Hominy. +12508,1,What is the difference between a gay porn star and a male wrestler? A gay porn star beats off men for other men to watch. A male wrestler beats on men for other men to watch +12509,0,Now that Britain has left EU Europe lost some storage space.. Exactly 1 GB +12510,0,Why are there so many Chinese people? They're all life hackers. +12511,3,Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mom and dad were in a jam +12512,2,Why do the French eat snails? Because they don't like fast food. +12513,3,"With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service. It'll be called NiCab." +12514,1,What does a God do in a toilet? Holy Shit! +12515,1,Why do archaeologists always drink beer? Their careers are in ruins! +12516,2,"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands... On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"" ""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"" ""Good,"" said the new husband, ""but, why?"" ""You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!""" +12517,1,Where can you find the woman of your dreams? Abroad. +12518,2,"A woman cried out that her son had just been hit by a moped! The driver, nearly at the edge of town, screeched to a stop, returned to the scene of the crime, and said, ""Actually its a Vespa."" Before fleeing the scene again. " +12519,0,"Reddit, help me finish this joke ""My baby so fine, she ______""" +12520,0,How do you persuade the US Senate to regulate the laws on guns? Put them inside a woman's body. +12521,0,Where does Batman goes to Church? To the Vatican +12522,1,Velcro What a rip off +12523,7,"So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new ""gorilla"" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the ""Human-like"" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get people's attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lion's den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming ""HELP!! HELP!!!"" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, ""Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired.""" +12524,0,A skeleton walks into a bar... And orders a pint of beer and a mop. +12525,0,Trump's daughter gave birth today... Who was the father? Kappa NoKappa +12526,3,"A grandad is telling a story to his grandson. GRANDAD:""When I was a little boy like you, my mum used to give me only a one single dollar. And with that I got two packs of milk, a lot of eggs and two bags of potatoes."" GRANDSON: ""But why you can't do that now?"" GRANDAD:Because nowadays there are too many of these f***ing cctv's.""" +12527,2,"My jigsaw said 3+ years on the box... I sure showed it, it only took me 2 years to finish." +12528,0,What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob +12529,1,A murderer tried stand up comedy and he killed it. +12530,0,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk" +12531,0,What stopped winter for coming? Cuz Winterfell and it can't get up! :P +12532,0,How do you get a catholic nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy +12533,2,Wives are like Thanksgiving Turkeys. They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling. +12534,0,"A man gets a flat tire while driving Frustrated he pulls over, but to his dismay, he has no idea how to put on his spare. He eventually gets someone to pull over to help him. The man says ""Can you help me put on my spare tire?"" ""Well, how about we make a deal, you make me laugh, I'll help change your tire."" The man thought of a joke for awhile when he finally said, ""I got one, Ctrl V"" The other man responds with, ""That was a really bad joke.. But, seeing how hard you tried to come up with that, I will change your tire."" The two work for 40 minutes and the spare tire is eventually on. ""You know, I think I made a better joke."" ""What is it?"" ""I can't tell you."" ""Why not?"" ""The Wheel joke is always in the comments."" " +12535,0,What did the porn star say as it entered the atmosphere? I'm gonna shoot! +12536,9,"My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside." +12537,0,Who is Wolverine's favorite author? Lemony Snikt (I'm sorry...) +12538,0,This joke I'm about to make about a dog Is a bit farfetched +12539,2,"I highly oppose gender neutral bathrooms See I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I found out the lady next to me has a bigger penis. " +12540,2,There are no hipster lobsters... ...In a Maine stream +12541,7,A joke walks into a bar... Bartender says woah! I've never *meta* joke before +12542,0,What do you call a firmware developer that doesn't drink? The designated driver +12543,0,What does Joe Pesci order at Burger King? An angry wopper. +12544,2,What does the crew to the enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus fighting Klingons. +12545,2,"A little old lady was driving ... A little old lady was driving down a muddy one-lane road, no room to pass on either side. She gets stuck—an angry driver behind her starts to lean on the horn. She tries her best to get moving, backing up a little, going forward; she’s still stuck, and the guy behind her continues to lean on his horn. The little old lady, gets out of her car and walks back to the angry driver. She says, “I appear to be stuck. I wonder if you could get behind the wheel of my car and try to get me out. I’ll stay here and lean on your horn…”" +12546,0,If I could change one thing about myself… ...it would be my size. I’m huge. All the guys know what I’m talking about. Except the one in the back. But that’s gonna change… tonight. +12547,7,Why does Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken always comes in another box. +12548,1,"An US Army base commander answers a phone call. The caller says: - Hello, I'm Joe Farland, the Supreme Commander, and our Republic of Boomer Township's Army, just 40 miles off the Wilkesboro exit of Route 421, is declaring war on the United States of America. The commander says: - Well, we have over 1.2 million servicemen and another 800 thousand in reserve, plus some 120 million available, over 13 thousand aircraft, including nearly 2 thousand fighters, nearly 6 thousand tanks and twice that in APCs, 20 aircraft carriers, nearly 400 other vessels, plus some 1400 nuclear warheads. You have? - 200 available servicemen with different armaments, including 12-gauge shotguns, 200 4x4s of years between 1965 and 2013, 20 boats and a cropduster plane. The commander answers: - Let's talk tomorrow, shall we? Next day, he calls them and asks: - Still wanna fight? Joe answers: - Well, I read the Geneva Convention and I can't fight you - we ain't feeding 120 million POWs for shit!" +12549,1,The Clock is Ticking... 9:09 9:10 George Bush 9:12 9:13 +12550,0,Say what you want about Joffrey and Cersei They’re both lady killers +12551,0,"Help me Obi Wan, you're Ah forget it." +12552,0,What do you call a radio that walks? A walkie talkie. +12553,0,Confucius say... Baseball wrong.....man with four balls cannot walk. Man who go to church sit in his own pew. +12554,0,"Alright so there's two guys sitting on a fence, Pete and RePete, and Pete falls off....Who's left? Alright so there's two guys sitting on a fence, Pete and RePete, and Pete falls off....Who's left?" +12555,0,My friends bakery burned down yesterday Now his business is toast. +12556,0,You don't wanna know what comes after Friday the 13th... Saturday the 14th. +12557,2,"An elderly couple died in a car crash They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets. So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool. ‘This is an amazing place you’ve got.’ He told St Peter. ‘And there’s more,’ said St Peter. ‘Let me show you the restaurant.’ As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked: ‘Where’s the low-fat table?’ ‘Oh, you don’t have to worry about things like that anymore.’ Said St Peter, ‘you can eat whatever you want here, no matter how fatty it is, and it’s all free. That’s the beauty of Heaven!’ With that, the husband thew his hat to the ground in a fit of temper. ‘What’s the problem?’ Asked St Peter. Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: ‘This is all you fault Ethel. If it weren’t for your goddam bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’" +12558,5,What can't you hide in a basement full of dead hookers? My erection +12559,2,What did the sushi say to the bumblebee? Wassssaaa-bee? +12560,1,People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war +12561,0,Women only call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.... Then they call me ugly and poor. +12562,3,Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food. +12563,3,What does a penis and a Rubiks Cube have in common? They gets harder and harder the more you play with them. +12564,1,What's a Jewish pyromaniac's favorite explosive? A Mazeltov Cocktail +12565,1,"Commas save lives Let’s eat Grandma Let’s eat, Grandma!" +12566,0,This has been bothering me for a while.. What do rats call narcs? +12567,1,I really want to take my girlfriend out to dinner... ...But she asks way too much per hour. +12568,4,If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then Soviet. +12569,0,If Storks are responsible for babies... ...the Swallow prevents them. +12570,2,What is a scientist's favorite type of gum? ex-spearmint! +12571,1,"A Latino couple have two twins One is named Juan, and the other is named Jamal. The mother is ecstatic because she had a pair of beautiful twins. However, they can only afford to raise one. After much debate between the mother and father, they decide to give up Jamal for adoption and to keep Juan. Many years go by. One day, the mother says to the father, “its been so many years, I wonder what Jamal looks like. My dear boy must be so big by now.” The father replies, “well, once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”" +12572,3,Did you hear about the man who was raped by a sex robot in an aisle of Home Depot? All he asked for was a machine screw. +12573,1,Why couldn’t the disabled man find a date Because he wasn’t a stand-up guy overall +12574,0,A dad joke and a banana How can the dad get dad jokes told to him and not hold down eating a banana? Can’t get any potassium +12575,1,"Holy moly, Swear to god, Just met a girl called Mercedes Bacon. I had to come share this here. How often do you meet your three favorite things in one.... P.S. the name is a true story, a girl that I just met." +12576,3,"My girlfriend is like root(-1) She's the one, but does not exist." +12577,0,a joke i came up with 35yrs ago while at the coast whats the differance between a Cormorant and a Shag a Cormorant lasts longer ​ +12578,0,I was talking to my chemist friend... ...I asked if he wanted me to make him a Pb and J sandwich. He asked why would he want lead on his Sandwich. +12579,4,"Knock Knock Joke - Knock Knock - Who's there? - Daisy - Daisy who? - Daisy me rolling, they hatin'" +12580,1,"The temperature is so cold outside... that if you make your girlfriend wet, you also make her hard. " +12581,0,"How do you celebrate July 4th in Canada? Not by getting drunk and blowing off your fingers, because it's just a regular day fir you." +12582,2,"The Tribe Once a day, a cannibal tribe in somewhere Africa captures Kemal. The chieftain says there is only one way to save yourself and it's to pass some series of test successfully. Therewith Kemal accepts the tests. There are three different huts in this ordeal. In the first hut there is a barrel full of Whisky. In the second hut there is a wild lion who needs his teeth to be pulled. And in the final hut there is the horniest woman in the tribe who needs to be fucked. So, Kemal has to drink all the whisky first, then pull the lion's teeth after that he has to make the horny woman happy. So the test begins and he walks in the first hut, hours passes by and there is no sound of our guy, 6-7 hours passes by and he comes out wobbily but he can barely stands up. He finds his way to the second hut by the skin of ""lion's"" teeth and enters. Soon after, they start an uproar, loud screams, knee-shattering roars... Desperate cries of lion leaves people deaf for a while. After 2-3 hours our guy comes out waggly again, turns to chieftan and asks Where is the fucking whore who's teeth needs to be pulled!? " +12583,3,Everything's a booomerang If you throw it straight up +12584,2,I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it. Not for the time bean +12585,0,Who's the best Korean rapper I've ever heard? TuPark +12586,1,"A man orders a drink.. **(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)** A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads ""I spat in the drink"".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. ""Me too!""" +12587,2,Beat your kids with a phone book. They won’t even know what hit them! +12588,1,I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. Now I'm stuck at the back of the deli line. +12589,2,“Sorry buddy we don’t serve time travelers here” A time traveler walks into a bar +12590,0,What alcohol cures the hiccups? MaliBOO +12591,0,In the UK a police officer is assaulted every 20 minutes.. Poor bastard +12592,0,"I am the worst Jew on Earth. I don't have money, I don't celebrate hannuake, I never read the Torah or visited Israel. Hell, even the Nazi couldn't bother to exterminate me. " +12593,3,What happens when Winter arrives? Autumn Leaves. +12594,1,"Should a gun company rename themselves ""Question""? That's a loaded Question" +12595,0,"Apparently, my office has had air conditioning all these years and I've just never noticed. I knew something made the room so cool." +12596,1,What do you call an un-vaccinated fat kid? Roly Polio +12597,0,"I asked my baby if it’s okay if we circumcise him He responded, “Hey, it’s no skin off my dick!”" +12598,0,There are ten types of people in this world Those who understand binary Those who don't Those who thought it was in base 3 And those who know it is in base 4 +12599,0,If the major events of earth had a Netflix series... ... 9/11 would probably be the pilot episode +12600,0,Where does an archaeologist get their information from? A dinoSOURCE! +12601,1,Christmas Dinner What never eats at Christmas dinner? The turkey! Its stuffed!! +12602,2,What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter? A torch. +12603,0,"I have a lot of goals, ten years from now I hope to see myself... In a nicer, more luxurious mirror" +12604,3,I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand 19 +12605,3,"In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why? Because there's cameras everywhere now" +12606,0,The 45th Vice President of the USA created an entirely new drumbeat The Al Gore Rhythm +12607,1,Why does Anna's mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others . +12608,2,What do the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallow a lot of sea men. +12609,0,I wish I could be like Wall Street Seems to be in bed with a lot of people these days! +12610,6,How do you make a walrus commit suicide? Point at its chest and say 'What's that?' +12611,1,2017 New Years Resolution First step: write down the resolu +12612,3,I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed... How could anyone stoop so low? +12613,1,"The magical beer... A girl enters a bar and sits close to a nice looking man. ' I am sorry what are you driking?'-asks the girl. ' I am drinking a magical beer.'- nswers him calmly. ' What do you mean with magic?' - asks the girl surprised. ' Well look. After I drink this, I can fly in the sky and come back here.'- says the guy. 'Prove it.'- says the girl in disbelief. ​ He gets out of the bar flies around the building three times and comes back again. ​ 'WOW! I don't believe you can do that again.'- says the girl. ​ He drinks the beer, gets out of the bar, flies around the building sometimes and comes back again. She becomes curious, and drinks the same beer. She jumps off building trying to fly, but falls down and dies. ​ ''Superman! You are a total ass when you're drunk.' - says the bartender." +12614,0,Did you hear about the chef that died? He pasta way We cannoli do so much +12615,0,"Bad Genes.. A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance. Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behavior from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia, sending the results to all the company's affiliates and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other's hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying ""nice to -meat- ya!"" The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death. The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one's genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge? Making an obscene clone fall." +12616,2,If the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound Then how come I hear the horn way before the light turns green? +12617,0,Why did the woman hire an astronaut to clean her house WARNING: Don't scroll down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because astronauts are experienced with vacuums! ​ I told you not to scroll down +12618,1,"There was a bay guard He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash. He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day: Bay guards can't be juicers." +12619,1,A herd of cows stumbled into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher. +12620,1,What does a dead cheetah means to Tarzan ? A new thong ! +12621,1,Why did the boy who moved to Alabama have sex with a dinner roll? He wanted to be in-bread like everyone else. +12622,0,"What's the difference between a 401(k) and an IRA? A 401(k) is an employer-sponsored retirement program, and an IRA is a retirement program that seeks to liberate the North from Anglo-Saxon oppressors." +12623,0,What common object is the best at poker? The toilet. It gets a flush at the end of every deal. +12624,2,What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? The pickpocket snatches watches. +12625,2,I told my girlfriend that I made traditional African food She was really surprised when I handed her an empty plate +12626,5,R. Kelly changed the rap game He took the art out of rap artist. +12627,1,Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion. +12628,0,"Why was the man with no arms or legs the BEST party host? Because no matter what, when you get to the front door you will always see a welcome Matt." +12629,0,My life is like a boxing match It’s all a punch line +12630,2,"I'm more optimistic than most. Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full. I'd say ""Hey, That's a nice glass!""" +12631,2,"What did the Frenchman say to the other Frenchman? I’m not sure, they were speaking French." +12632,0,Kim Kardashian was robbed of her jewellry in Paris. The robbers had a tip off that she had lots of booty. +12633,1,"Can I trust this guy, or is he just posturing? He keeps telling me he's a chiropractor." +12634,4,What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up family trees. A gynecologist looks up bushes. +12635,2,Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Neither have they. +12636,2,"My doctor prescribed me a new medication. It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give." +12637,1,"Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm? The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk." +12638,6,Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the ref was blowing fouls +12639,0,What’s the opposite of Holy Water? Satanic Acid +12640,2,"'Who wants to be a millionaire' in real life A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed after watching ""Who Wants to be a Millionaire"". The husband says, ""Can we have sex tonight?"" The wife replies, ""No, I'm too tired tonight."" The husband says, ""Is that your final answer?"" The wife says, ""Yes, it is, thank you."" The husband says, ""OK, then, can you please phone a friend."" " +12641,3,Why don't Indians have food fights? Because they're naan-violent +12642,2,What do we want?! NOW! When do we want it?! LINEAR STORYTELLING! +12643,2,"My highschool sweet heart is the mother of my two children. But apparently, my wife isn't too happy about it." +12644,2,"I was browsing thru the Produce aisle ""Are these carrots genetically modified?"" Clerk: No. Why do you ask? Carrot: Yeah... Why do you ask?" +12645,0,I don't care whether you masturbate or not You do you. +12646,2,"A penguin was driving through the desert... ...when his air conditioning stopped working. He pulled into at the nearest town and found the local mechanic. ""Excuse me, sir"" said the penguin, as he tapped the mechanic on the shoulder with his flipper, ""but my air conditioning is not working. As I'm sure you could imagine, I am very reliant on my air conditioning in the desert. Can you fix it for me?' ""Sure thing, little fella."" said the mechanic. ""There's an ice cream parlour two blocks down. Go get yourself an ice cream and cool off in their air conditioning, come back in an hour and I'll have you all fixed up."" The penguin enjoyed his ice cream and returned to the mechanic an hour later. He waddled up and the mechanic said to him, ""You're all set!"" The penguin asked, ""What seemed to be the problem?"" ""Oh it looks like you just blew a seal."" answered the mechanic. ""Oh no, no,"" exclaimed the penguin as he frantically wiped his face, ""I swear it's just ice cream!""" +12647,2,I'm not really a big fan of boat puns But frigate +12648,2,"Blind people of reddit... ...wait, that’s not how this works." +12649,0,Happy 420! I rolled a cross joint... That the Vatican would smoke +12650,1,What do you call a sleep walking nun Roaming catholic +12651,3,Why was Gilgamesh voted the Sexiest Man in History? Women love a man in cuneiform. +12652,0,What did number 2 say to number 1? you're an odd fellow +12653,2,The man who invented spell check died today. May he rust in piss +12654,4,There is only one thing that’s worse than sexism Women +12655,0,"Three guys go to a ski lodge... And there aren't enough rooms, so they all have to share a bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says ""I had this wild, vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"" The guy on the right wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says ""That's funny, I dreamed that I was skiing!""." +12656,2,You know what the difference is between an chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face. +12657,1,Yo mamma so ugly... my dog closes his eyes while humping her leg. +12658,1,"So a German father steps into a butcher shop to provide food for his kid's 18th birthday party. They exchange pleasantries and the father asks for authentic german meats food for his son's party. ""That would be about ten euros per guest for a lavish traditional meal,"" the butcher says. The father, who is celebrating not only his son's coming of age but his final child leaving the nest says that he is strapped for cash as well. He hands out a pocketful of euro coins and bills and drops it on the table, and asks what he can get with that. ""You can expect the wurst.""" +12659,1,She: Why the hell did you take me to the worst restaurant in town on our first date? Me: So that I know you didn't come because of the food. +12660,5,I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety... But my boss doesn't like to be touched. +12661,0,"There is a green flag for good, a red flag for bad, and a white flag for Italy" +12662,0,One day Steven Hawkings walled into a bar... Just kidding! +12663,2,"A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment. Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The middle shelf has normal sized teddy bears and the bottom shelf has gigantic stuffed animals. One thing leads to another and they end up having sex. After they finish the man rolls over to look at her. “How was it?” He asks. She thinks for a second and reply’s, “ Go take a teddy bear from the middle shelf”" +12664,1,How do you scare a blind person? Yell “catch!” +12665,1,"Red sky at night; shepherds delight, red sky in morning; shepherds warning Minced lamb, potato, onion and carrot; shepherd's pie." +12666,0,I have a great joke Newcastle United +12667,4,Who is Rorschach and why has he painted so many pictures of my parents arguing? +12668,0,"It's a well-known fact that the slogan at the entrance of Auschwitz was the cynical ""Work sets you free"". Now historians discovered what the sign at the exit read: ""Hot surface, do not touch.""" +12669,1,I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain. I got all wheat. +12670,1,Where was Bill Clinton during his presidency? He was right between the Bushes. +12671,2,"A man was trapped on his houses roof after his home town was flooded a man in a row boat approached his house and said ""hope in i will take you to safety"" the man declined and said ""god will save me"" ​ a short while later a man in a yacht came by and told the man to climb aboard to safety again the man declined with the answer that god will save him ​ the water continued to rise and eventually a rescue helicopter showed up the man again refused to be rescued stating that god will surely save him. ​ the man drowned and as he entered the gates of heaven he spoke to god and asked why he didnt save him? god replied ""you turned down the boat, yact and helicopter i sent you""" +12672,1,Yo mama so fat Calculus still ain't been able to define the area under her curves +12673,1,What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time? A pair-of-dogs. +12674,3,What did Santa say when he caught his wife in bed with another guy? Hoe hoe hoe! +12675,3,"So one day, I'm crossing the road... and all of a sudden, a huge chicken starts walking beside me and introduces itself by saying ""Hi, I'm Chicken Hu"". I'm thinking ""Holy shit, a talking chicken"". I ask Chicken, I say ""Hi Chicken, where are you from?"". He says, ""I was born in San Francisco"". Surprised, I say ""No, but where are you actually from?"". Looking annoyed, he says ""I'm actually American, you racist."" Feeling a little embarrassed over my unintentional racism, I stop talking for a little while. We then walk into this bar as the bartender is kicking out this duck, WTF? So we sit down, and I ask the chicken, ""If you don't mind me asking, how are you able to talk?"" The chicken then says that his owner found a genie on day. The genie granted him one. wish. He had wished for a monster cock. I nod sympathetically. I tell him that ""once I found a mermaid who said she'd grant me one wish. I asked for a little head, and that's how I ended up like this"". The chicken admits ""Oh, I didn't want to ask because I thought it would be too personal. You gotta be careful around those wish granters"". Then, an Irishman, an American, and a Frenchman walk into the bar. Anyway, after having too much to drink, Chicken and I walk out of the bar. He says to me ""Hey, you wanna go to a party?"" I tell him, that I would. So we walk up to this random house and Chicken knocks on the door. Knock, Knock ""Who's there?"" ""Chicken"" ""Chicken Hu?"" ""Yup. Open up"" So we walk into the house. At the house, I come across a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer. They start talking about the achievements they've made in their fields. Now I'm all depressed. I'm thinking ""Why didn't I turn out like that? My life is just one big joke."" I decide to forget about my sorrows by eating a large pack of saltines. Now I'm frantically looking for a place to get a drink. I find one. I'm thinking ""Huh, I'll go there. Good thing there's no punchline""." +12676,2,"A eye for a eye makes the whole world,,, Pirates" +12677,2,How does a skeleton pay for things? With CRYPTocurrency +12678,2,"One morning my girlfriend was sitting at the breakfast table doing a puzzle ""Gosh this puzzle is really hard!"" she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. I take a look and reply ""For fucks sake Barbara, those are cornflakes!""" +12679,0,Some people think incest is funny I motherfucking don't. +12680,7,"My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with ""Only with you babe..."" I replied ""Awww, really?"" ""...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake.""" +12681,2,"Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE. You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'." +12682,1,Do you know why Eminem is the only person that can roast Donald Trump? Because nothing rhymes with orange. +12683,0,What did Fallout Boy say to the fans that flashed them? Thanks for the mammaries. +12684,2,"A man is invited to a costume party... where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your sex life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume! As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume. ""I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your sex life?"" ""Easy,"" he replies. ""My last four scores were seven years ago!""" +12685,9,"My father always told me ""If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"" I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much." +12686,2,"When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on. Then he turned her off. Then he turned her on again." +12687,2,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for Fresh Prince. +12688,0,"My love life these days is a lot like shopping for furniture at IKEA My love life these days is a lot like shopping for furniture at IKEA. At first you're like ""wow that coffee table would go great in my apartment! But it's only when take it home and open the box do you realize… you're missing a screw" +12689,0,"A woman goes for a walk on the beach. She finds a cute little object on the sand. ""It's a lamp,"" she says to herself and starts rubbing it gently. The lamp gets bigger and bigger. She is very excited to see that something is happening. After a bit, it spills some oil and a genie comes out from underneath the sand." +12690,1,"Eastern Pun So I’m in the habit of watching international TV channels when I’m at home. I’ve noticed that Dubai’s networks don’t ever broadcast The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do!" +12691,1,I had fun playing with Mr. Mushroom yesterday He was a fun gi +12692,2,"(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them ""Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."" And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her ""Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"" The Sister Responds ""Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."" St. Peter says ""Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted."" and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says ""Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"" ""Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."" ""Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted"" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun ""Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"" Sister Susan responds ""Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!""" +12693,0,I was at a party and someone told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe +12694,2,What does a vegan have in common with a woman who's had gender reassignment surgery? (Just for u/Nate_Christ) ...and become a man? They've both been a herbivore.... (Be gentle!) +12695,4,"A guy applies for a job with his local police dept. Instructor - ""These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, only one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six minorities and a rabbit."" Guy - ""Why the rabbit?"" Instructor - ""Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!""" +12696,2,"A man walks into a library -Excuse me, do you have books about diarrhea? -Yes, sir -Great, I'll need three pages" +12697,1,What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot of a McDonald's? Mr. T and a pigeon fighting over a french fry. I know it's old but it always made me laugh. +12698,10,"The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, ""Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"" Trump replied, ""I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"" So the Pope slapped him" +12699,2,Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court? He didn’t want to work pro-Bono +12700,1,"An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office. His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, ""Sung wa! Sung wa!"" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and ""Sung wa"" must mean some expression of pleasure. The next day, he and three of the managers were playing golf. In the middle of the round, one of the Japanese men shot a hole in one. The American shouted, ""Sung wa!"" The Japanese man turned and said, ""Wrong hole? What you mean 'wrong hole'?"" " +12701,0,"I may be getting old, but I can still remember the day Hitler was elected. Nov. 8th 2016" +12702,3,"Guys, spaceships are like... A higher plane" +12703,1,I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now. +12704,1,More cushion for the pushin... More exercise for the extra size. +12705,5,I have this wierd irrational fear of two letter words. I get extremely scared just thinking about it. +12706,2,"Double standards are amazing. If I take my top off I'm called a ""poser"". But if a women does it, suddenly I'm not allowed to masturbate?" +12707,4,"Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, ""C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."" ""Can you read this?"" asked the optician. Excitedly, Stanley yelled, ""Read it?! I know the guy!""" +12708,0,How do you get a Kansas alumni off your porch? pay him for the pizza. +12709,1,"Bus driver on Sesame Street. So, there is a guy who needs a job. He goes to the employment agency and they tell him the only job they have is as bus driver on Sesame Street. He thinks its a bit weird, but he needs a job. First day driving the bus, he gets to the first stop and two very overweight women get on the bus sweating profusely. Trying to be friendly, he introduces himself and asks their names. He finds out they are coincidentally both named Patty. Next stop, and a very weird guy with strange behaviour gets on. Looks like he should be in special education. Same introduction, and the weird guy says, ""My name's Ross, and my mama says I'm special,"" spitting on the bus driver as he talks. Ok, well that's interesting. Next stop, next guy. Introduces himself as Dennis Reese. Disgustingly, sits down, pulls off his shoes and socks and starts picking bunions off of his feet. Added to the smell of the overweight ladies, the bus is getting very ripe. After dropping them at their stops, the bus driver returns early from his route and quits. His new boss asks him why, and he tells him. ""I can't stand one more day of two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Dennis Reese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.""" +12710,2,Jesus wasn't a Virgin he got Nailed +12711,0,The weekend is made in China That is why it does not last long +12712,4,"What’s the difference between an Islamic wedding and an ISIS training ground? I don’t know, I just fly the drone." +12713,0,"What’s the difference between Taco Bell and Burger King? What are you, an idiot?" +12714,0,why was 6 afraid of 7 because 7 murdered 6's family when he was 2 +12715,0,"Antifa claims to be about fighting fascism. If you use the wrong pronoun though, they actually turn into grammar Nazis." +12716,0,"Overheard at Walmart during back to school shopping Employee A: ""Weeneemobapa!"" (Heavy redneck accent) Employee B: ""What?"" A: ""Wee. Nee. Moe. Bapa."" B: ""You want what?"" A: ""Baa. Paa. Youknowbapas?"" B: ""Can you hold up what it is you need?"" A: ""No! Nomobapas."" B: ""I can't understand what you want man. You'll have to get it yourself."" A: (grabs tag from shelf and sticks it in B's face) ""Baa pas!"" B: ""Oohhhh! You want BACK PACKS. You've got to stop leaving out letters when you speak man!"" Apologies for formatting, am on mobile " +12717,0,"Girl can't climb trees (as told by my 6yo daughter). A young girl who wears skirts every day asks her mom, ""mom, can I climb that tree?"" Mom answers, ""no, the boys will be looking at your underwear"". Next day: Daughter: ""Mom, I'm going to climb the tree today."" Mom: ""But the boys will be looking at your underwear!"" Daughter: ""I'm sure they won't."" Mom: ""How can you be so sure?"" Daughter: ""I already took them off.""" +12718,4,What goes down an alley and has holes in it? Batman’s parents +12719,2,The first rule of tautology club ... is the first rule of tautology club +12720,5,"Why was 6 afraid of 41? 41 said ""Age is just a number""." +12721,1,"10 Identical Fruits One day Daniel, Jeremy, and Lake are walking down the street and a van pulls up. Five guys hop out and kidnap the trio. Then after being drugged they wake up in a forest. One of the guys who was in the van speaks in a heavy Russian accent and tells the boys to go out into the forest and come back with 10 identical fruits. So the three boys go out into the forest and the first one comes back with 10 identical bananas. The man with the Russian accent speaks to him and says “if you get all 10 bananas up your asshole without making a noise I will let you go. If you make a noise then I kill you.” After hearing these instructions and some guns being waved at him he gets to it. Daniel manages 3 bananas before he grunts and is instantly killed. The second boy comes back and has 10 identical blueberries. The Russian man tells him the instructions and lake gets to it . He gets 9 blueberries up his ass then begins to giggle. Lake is instantly shot and lake and Daniel meet in the afterlife. Daniel asks Lake why he laughed and Lake said “I saw Jeremy coming back with 10 pineapples." +12722,3,"Blind, deaf and mute people can all tolerate a dark joke. It's because they're not sensitive." +12723,1,When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents. +12724,0,Is Food or Water More Important? Heroin +12725,2,What is a foot long and slippery? A slipper +12726,2,How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty +12727,3,What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s heavy and the other is a little lighter. +12728,0,What happens after dark? Light. +12729,2,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? 0, they'll just protest and hope someone else changes it to one they like." +12730,2,"A guy gets a phone call from a girls he likes. She says ""Come over, nobody's home!"" So he goes over, and nobody's home." +12731,2,Why was the beach wet? Because the sea weed +12732,1,What's long and white The line at starbucks +12733,0,Yo mamas so Crazyy.. She put a newspaper on a TV and called it paperview +12734,1,What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer? The horses name was friday +12735,0,My friend spilt soup on a Generic Windows 2000 Keyboard & it started typing in Russian... What kind of communist soup did he spill?... +12736,5,"What's your biggest weakness? Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics. Interviewer: Can you give me an example? Me: Yes, I can." +12737,5,The Quran is like weed You burn it and you get stoned +12738,3,"So I hear the Hulk's believing in Muhammad nowadays... Now he's gone from ""Hulk Smash"" to ""I Slam""." +12739,2,Why didn't the Romans try to kill Jesus after he rose from the dead? They were too afraid to double cross him. +12740,2,I signed up for my company’s 401k But I don’t think I can run that far. +12741,2,"Woody walked in on Bo Peep and Buzz sleeping together ""WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?"" Woody said. The duo stared at him for a moment until Bo Peep said ""You've got a friend in me?""" +12742,1,Please don’t joke about my eyeballs It’s a sensitive area +12743,0,"Chicken strip pick-up line I thought of this pick-up line after my friend ordered a chicken strip sandwich, but I need help perfecting it. Guy walks up to girl at fast food chain- ""I bet you like chicken strips, don't you?"" Girl replies - ""Well yes, I do like em"" Guy- ""Of course you do, cause you're a hot chick and you'll be stripping for me tonight."" " +12744,0,What is common between a enemy and a prostitute. They charge you and fuck you. +12745,2,I used to eat clocks. But it was too time consuming. +12746,0,"A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!" +12747,0,"A reaper decides to take a guy sitting at a bar. He meets the guy and tells him to be at the bar the next day at 3 pm. The guy goes home, cuts of his hair, dresses differently for the next day so that the reaper wouldn't recognize him and goes to the bar. The pissed reaper kicks open the door of the bar. Reaper: Has anybody seen that guy with the mustache. Everyone: No? Reaper: Ok so I'll be back in 5 minutes, if that guy isn't here, I'm taking uhhh... the bald guy over there." +12748,1,Opposite attracts and same repels It was a straightforward observation until the gays came along. +12749,2,What rock group has 4 men that don't sing ? Mount Rushmore +12750,2,"Most people claim they support recycling, But they sure get mad when someone reposts a joke." +12751,3,My wife's sister My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.  +12752,1,Unemployment rates at bondage studios are high. Most candidates are unwilling to learn the ropes. +12753,2,"Girl with no arms or leg Came early, time to make a joke...So there was a girl with no arms or legs on a beach. As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked 'Whats the matter dear?' and the girl replied with 'I've never been hugged before.' So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks 'Whats wrong now?'. The girl replies with 'I've never been kissed before'. So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks 'Whats the matter now?' The girl replies with 'I've never been fucked before.' So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says 'You're fucked now.'" +12754,0,"A young woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. Don't want to get pregnant? Says the cashier. ""Nope, my boyfriend doesn't want any shit on his cock.""" +12755,1,"Two blind men walk into a bar. The first orders a scotch, and the second orders a whisky. ""For the last time, gentlemen"" says the exasperated nurse, ""this is a hospital and you are both severely concussed. We do not serve alcohol!"" ""Alright, bud light then"" says the first man." +12756,0,I've had it and I can't take it anymore ...ever since I developed that penicillin allergy. +12757,0,The reason why I didn't get my dog dance lessons. He's got two left feet. +12758,2,"I asked this girl out and she said ""but you're like my brother."" So I replied: ""are you saying you're into incest?""" +12759,0,Then there was the Japanese grunge rocker... Every December 7th he attacked Pearl Jam. +12760,0,A break-dancer got arrested on suspicion of terrorism His boombox was safely detonated by the bomb squad. +12761,1,"What did Mike Tyson say to the Death Star elevator attendant? ""Sith floor pleaths""" +12762,1,Do you wanna hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's a little too cheesy. +12763,2,"Do you know why they say ""an apple a day keeps the doctor away""? Because doctors are smart people. Smart people use Windows." +12764,0,Which brand of cars was made in Wales? Toyota Cymru +12765,0,I have the body of a 25 year old It's in my refrigerator +12766,1,"A manic depressive horse named John There once was a manic depressive horse named John. He was drinking away his problems in a bar that was popular among the local animals because they didn't card. You see, ever since he was a young colt, John used music to deal with his emotions. He started off with a vinyl record of The Beatles' *Revolver*. One day his mom came home with a record of Lou Reed's *Transformer* and from that point forward he became obsessed. He would listen to records for days at a time. He was mostly alone with the music because he didn't have a lot of friends. In his teenage years he migrated from vinyl to cassettes, and he began broadening his styles after Nirvana's *Nevermind* dropped in 1991. That album exposed him to underground music for the first time, and he began buying cassette tapes without even knowing who the artist was. Some of his favorite bands were Pavement, Weezer and The Fall. One day while looking for older records in a pawn shop, he found a beat up old acoustic guitar and decided to bring it home. He was entranced by the instrument's complexities, and his new fixation was learning to play like Woody Guthrie. He would play along with his favorite records, and eventually he was able to play through the entire songs without any of the strings buzzing. At this point in his life he was much less isolated, and had made a few friends who shared his love of music; a chicken named Rob and a pig named Steve. Rob played drums and Steve played bass, which lined up well with John's talented guitar playing and vocals. So they formed a band of their own and began playing gigs around town. Song writing felt natural to them, and the locals loved their music. They became very popular, and regularly played gigs at a local pizza place. However, it soon became clear that they had to stop. After graduation, Steve was leaving for college and Rob would be joining the military. They decided to play one last show before cutting off contact and parting ways. The show went well as always, but the reality finally began sinking into John halfway through. As he waved goodbye to his only friends, he finally realized that the life he had chosen caused him to lose focus on what really matters; friendship. So there he sat, wallowing in his misery, and the bartender looked up and asked ""why the long face?""" +12767,6,"Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far! Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter." +12768,1,I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather Not screaming in terror like his passengers +12769,0,How do you call Capt. America in spanish? El Capitano Americano 😂 +12770,0,What is Mussolini's favorite pasta? Fusillini +12771,0,What sort file do you you need to turn a 1.5 inch hole into a 4.5 inch one? A pedo-file. +12772,4,What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse? The Whitehouse isn’t organized. +12773,4,"A pun, a play on words, and a double entendre walk into a bar... No joke." +12774,0,"A young girl went up to Brett Kavanaugh and said, ""I want to be a supreme court justice one day."" Kavanaugh was shocked. ""Are you retarded? Are you fucking crazy?"" he yelled. ""Y'know what? Never mind. Those are too many requirements.""" +12775,0,Why is the mathematician mad? Because he's a calcul-hater. +12776,1,I hate tennis It’s such a wack sport +12777,4,What's a pirate's least favorite letter? U... Because U keep reposting this joke. +12778,1,What is an english stonemasons favourite fruit? Pomegranate +12779,8,"Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status ""I love my girlfriend <3"" I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand. " +12780,3,If women are as good as men... How come they haven’t successfully oppressed an entire gender? +12781,1,"Fight with a girlfriend She was like, 'I feel like you're going to go out there and you're going to find someone else; you're going to leave me.' And it's tough, you know, 'cause there's no polite way to sit a girl down and be like, 'Listen honey, no one else is dumb enough to f**k me. Some Ponzi schemes only have one victim.'" +12782,2,"Two guys are walking through a game park They come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, ""Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."" He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: ""Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.""" +12783,3,Why did frosty the snowman quit drinking? Every time he went out he got plowed. +12784,0,What do you call a horned animal that likes to complain? A Whineocerous +12785,0,"Why is it so hard to tell if Whoopi Golgberg is surprised? She has no eyebrows! Not kidding, look it up." +12786,0,Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can. +12787,1,There was a trial about a murder involving a handled container... It was a brief case. +12788,0,In light of recent events... Killing 50 people isn't hard when they're all in the closet. +12789,3,"I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ... Yes folks, it seems I just re\\-peeled the eighth." +12790,3,"Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East as a fine red mist. " +12791,2,Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? A lot of good soles were lost... +12792,1,"One little boy has never said a word At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem. One day at launch boy says: ""There is too much salt in my soup"" His parents are shocked: ""You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"" ""Because up until now everything was ok""" +12793,2,"a man is having sex with his wife. after they're done the man reveals that he didn't use protection. ""are you fucking kidding me?"" ""yes. yes i am.""" +12794,3,I fed this kid peanut and he almost died. I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously. +12795,5,"I got my little brother a Cisformer for his birthday It's like a transformer, but it starts out as a car and stays that way" +12796,2,"I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead. Apparently it's not really the thought that counts." +12797,1,"The Constitution says I have the right to bear arms, I told the officer and he said, ""where's the rest of the bear?""" +12798,2,"Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years... Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation. He dropped his wife off at her favourite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swaggers up to the madam and asks her ""what kind of a fuck can a fellow get for fifty bucks?"" She snorts derisively and says ""you're not going to get much for fifty bucks. All our girls start at two hundred. Try the place down the street."" He goes to the next brothel and again inquires about his chances of moistening his manhood for fifty dollars. That madam tells him ""You're living in the past, old man, you won't get anything for that."" Dejected, he goes back to meet his wife at the store. As they're walking out together, the madam from across the street sees them and calls out ""I told you that you wouldn't get much for fifty bucks!""" +12799,0,What is an Indian's favourite grape? GanGrape. +12800,2,What does a grape say when you step on it ? Nothing it just let's out a little whine +12801,1,I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. +12802,2,Absence may make the heart grow fonder... But abstinence makes the dong grow harder. +12803,5,A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Jane ate her friend's lunch. Jane ate her friend's colon. +12804,9,"It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes. What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls? Rick O Shea" +12805,0,What do you call it when you're rollerblading on the edge of a forest? Treeline skating +12806,8,"Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking. The first guy says, ""my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio."" Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him. The second guy says, ""well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes."" Indeed, even more impressive. Then the third guy says, ""yeah, well my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new house."" Just then the fourth guy returns and asks what everyone has been talking about so they tell him. He says, ""well, my son works as a go-go dancer in a gay bar and I don't know how he does it, but he just got a large stock portfolio, a new Mercedes, and a new house.""" +12807,5,"A guy asks his grandmother... ""Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD"". Granny replies, ""Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!""" +12808,0,He loves doing the dishes Knock knock Who’s there? Dishes.. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery +12809,1,I'm a necrophiliac. I like my Heine's cold. +12810,0,Someone told me that the water consumed while taking a 10-minute bath can quench the thirst of an entire village. I really didn’t know villagers could drink soap water. +12811,1,Why'd the vulture check his bag? The airline didn't allow carrion luggage. +12812,6,What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common? Icy dead people +12813,6,Most people are shocked when they find out... How incompetent I am as an electrician. +12814,3,"A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking. He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars. He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the next 2 hours driving around, showing off his car, and waving to pedestrians. Nearing the end of his day, he parks in a restaurant parking lot and gets out but suddenly another car slides into the space next to him and rips the door clean off! The man, infuriated, yells in anger and whips out his phone and dials 911. He yells at the dispatcher saying, ""This man just ripped the door clean off my new Lambo! I demand you send an officer! Arrest him! Shoot him! The dispatcher replies, ""sir, um, this kind of issue doesn't deserve a 911 call—"" ""No! I paid very good money for this car and I demand you send an officer at this instant!"" ""Alright sir, he's on his way."" When the officer arrives, the rich man is already all up in the officers face, exclaiming how this ignorant man destroyed his new car. The officer yells back, ""You disgust me! Your materialistic traits have kept you from realizing that not only did the door get torn off the car, but so did your arm!"" The man looks down at his arm and exclaims, ""Oh no, my Rolex!!""" +12815,0,"A woman is very afraid about the size of her opening... Yes. The size of her opening The woman goes to her mother and says ""I'm so big down there, when I go marry Harry he is going to divorce me."" Her mother goes ""Don't worry sweetheart, it runs in the family. Do what I did with your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver and put it in there, he'll never know the difference."" That's exactly what the woman does and they have 8 hours of sex after their marriage. She awakens at 10 a.m and he is gone but there is a note on her pillow that reads... ""My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our marriage our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up! The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms. - Your loving husband, Harry. P.S Your cunt is in the sink."" Credit to Curb your Enthusiasm and The Funkman" +12816,5,I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday **She said:** You'll never find someone like me. **I said:** That's the point. +12817,1,Am I right? Everyone: Eminem is the fastest rapper. Me listening to the socially awkward kid present in class +12818,0,My friends asked what it is like working in a prison. There are some pros and a lot of cons +12819,0,"The other day I spelled drum, drumb. It was a dumb mistake..." +12820,3,My doctor told me to to incorporate more hole foods into my diet so I ate a box of donuts. +12821,0,I know Santa isn't real because Trump is still in office... and I was really good this year. +12822,3,"Big shot lawyer drives by a homeless man eating grass A big shot lawyer drives his jaguar by a homeless man in the park, kneeling on the ground, eating the grass. Lawyer stops, rolls down the window and says ""My friend, get up off the ground and get in, you're coming to eat at my place!"" The homeless man is touched but says ""I can't go, I can't abandon my family, my wife and kids are further down the park, eating grass too"" ""Go get them"" the lawyer says ""you're all coming to eat at my place!"" The homeless man and his family get in the car, crying with emotion ""You're an angel, sir. You are very generous"" ""Absolutely no problem. We're gonna go to my house, you guys are going to love it, the grass is way bigger there, you'll have a feast!"" " +12823,0,What did Luigi say when his toast was done? Mama Mia!!! I found-a Miyamoto on my Toast-a!!! +12824,0,"A young lawyer finds himself needing to argue a motion and defend a deposition in the same day, so he goes to an old veteran of the firm for some advice on how to make it work. “Well,” says the senior lawyer, “judges are always going to be in the best mood in the morning when they’re still fresh. As for the deposition, you want to do that later in the afternoon, when opposing counsel is tired and just wants to wrap up for the day. But if you make it difficult and go past happy hour, they’ll probably start asking a lot of tough questions just out of spite.” “So how should I schedule this then?” “I’d say in your situation it’s always better to be judged by 12, then queried by 6.”" +12825,1,I had a date with my girlfriend yesterday Then I ate it +12826,1,"The Queen's Crossword The queen had just completed the annual knighting ceremony. She had picked Claire Heinz, the scientist who's work was considered unethical by most, but she respected her anyways. An angry mob had already formed and was attempting to barge into the Buckingham palace. This was nothing new. The queen had dealt with angry mobs before, so she decided to solve a crossword to pass the time. She got stuck on number 6: Company who beats the shit out of doctors and kicks them out of planes. Her royal adviser burst into the room and shouted ""YOU KNIGHTED CLAIRE HEINZ!?"" The queen thanked him, and went back to her crossword." +12827,0,"What do you call a meeting exclusively attended by pine, juniper and fir trees? A coniference. " +12828,5,"When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker Self-checkout every time " +12829,2,"I was thinking about buying the new iPhone But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive." +12830,0,"A man was in a terrible car accident and broke his arms While he was in the hospital he asked his doctor if he'd be able to play guitar after his arms heal. The doctor said that they will monitor his progress but as long as it fully heals, he should have no problem. The man was overjoyed by this news because he'd never played guitar before in his life!" +12831,0,I applied for a Cashier job at Wal-Mart the other day.. But they said that those 4 positions were already filled. +12832,5,I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn. Stupid firemen. +12833,1,"TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish. Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring." +12834,3,What do you call a nose with no body? Nobody knows. +12835,0,"Why do they call themselves ""Nickelback?"" Because that's what you're going to want if you even paid 5 cents for one of their CDs." +12836,2,What's brits' favourite porn genre? BBC +12837,1,At the Duke game zion Williamson's Nike shoe exploded and they lost the game I guess that was a blowout :/ +12838,2,What happens if you mix sesame street and Star Wars? Cookie Wookies. X-post /r/showerthoughts +12839,1,Where did Kevin Spacey perform the best? Kindergarten. +12840,1,How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers. +12841,5,"A black hole walks into a bar The bartender asks, ""Hey, would you like to buy anything?"" The black hole says, ""No. I'm a light eater.""" +12842,4,"One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:   ""I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"" The driver agrees: ""You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.""   ""That's a great idea!"" says Einstein. ""Let's switch places then!""   So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.   But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.   The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :  ""Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.""" +12843,2,What’s the difference between a gun and a feminist? You can put a silencer on one. +12844,2,Why was Hitler a great comedian? Cuz you can't spell slaughter without laughter +12845,1,What do you call the place where Jesus stayed the night before Ascension Day? The house of the rising son. +12846,0,Why didn't Al Green's record label let him put a naked pic of himself on the cover? They said they need an Al-bum cover. +12847,1,"I'm confused... square box, round pizza but triangle slices." +12848,3,"An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted. ""Where are you from?"" he asks. ""I'm from Palestine"" says the cab driver proudly, ""and you?"" ""I'm from Narnia."" ""Bullshit, that place doesn't exist"" says the cab driver. ""Well, you started it"" says the Israeli." +12849,4,"Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit." +12850,3,Why was the couch afraid of the chair? The chair was armed. +12851,4,I got a job as a human cannonball. I was immediately fired. +12852,2,Really hate Russian dolls. they’re so full of themselves +12853,5,"If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married? It's my cake day!" +12854,1,All feminine hygiene products now on sale for HALF PRICE But hurry - it's just for the Christmas period. +12855,2,Bumper sticker: I snatch kisses and vice versa +12856,1,What's Hitler's favorite videogame? Mein Kraft. +12857,2,"Hey girl, you want some good sex? ""No"" ""Then you came to the right guy!""" +12858,4,"I just read a list of ""100 things to do before you die"" I was surprised that ""Yell for help"" wasn't one of them. " +12859,3,I walked into a Victoria's Secret a man and came out a knight. From this day forward I shall be known as Sir- please leave you're being creepy. +12860,4,I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Especially as he’s a chihuahua and I have to lift him up. +12861,0,"I confessed to my crush, and she said she likes me Because she was programmed to." +12862,3,"An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment. He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions. Finally the man asks: ""What´s the star in the middle of your hood for?"" The driver feels joked on and answers: ""It\\`s for aiming at the pedestrians, obviously."" The old man nods it of ""ah interesting..."" and the ride continoues. Further down the road the taxi driver gets to a crosswalk and almost hits a man, but manages to avoid him the last second. He hears a hard bump from the back of the car followed by the old man shouting: ""Man you are bad at aiming. If i hadn´t opened the door quickly you would have missed him.""" +12863,5,Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs +12864,6,Why was 10 traumatized? Because it was in the middle of 9/11 +12865,0,What's the difference between a king hit (sucker punch) and a 69'er? At least with a 69'er you see the cunt coming. +12866,0,Did you hear that the North American Man/Boy Love Association go a new tech support guy? He's an e-NAMBLA. +12867,0,"Bill Gates just gave me $100 .. It’s fine , about time you finish reading this he has already made 10x that ." +12868,0,"A little girl and a priest A Priest Was Walking In A Garden. A Little Girl Came Up To Him And Asked. Little Girl : “Why Do You Wear Your Collar Backwards ?” Priest : “I’m A Father !” Little Girl : “My Father Doesn’t Wear His Collar Like That.” Priest : “I’m A Father Of Many.” Little Girl : “My Father Has 4 Boys & 4 Girls, But Yet He Doesn’t Wear His Collar Backwards, Then Why Do You ?” The Priest Started Getting Impatient & Answered Angrily. Priest : “I’m A Father Of Hundreds Of Boys & Girls. That’s Why.” Little Girl : “Maybe You Should Use A Condom & Wear Your Pants Backwards Instead Of Your Collar. You Horny Bastard !”" +12869,2,Stacy wanted to keep our relationship professional That's when I knew she was a prostitute. +12870,2,"I went to the DIY shop I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied ""no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room""" +12871,1,Have you heard about the temperamental doctor? He has no patients +12872,1,"Gimme a White Russian, Hold The Russian. At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked. “It’s delicious!” said my daughter. Her aunt shrugged. “Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.”" +12873,1,"There was a baby orca that had washed onto land after a huge tidal wave. When the water receded, the orca found himself out of the water on the beach. A young man happened along and saw the orca struggling along. He always wanted a pet, so he scooped him up in a wagon and took him home; depositing him into his family's well. This strange upbringing made the baby orca develop the ability to talk and survive for long periods of time out of the water. He got a job at a bar where he became mates with the barman, Jonah. He shared his back story and Jonah started calling him Well Whale, since his still lived in his well. One day the orca got to the bar early and decided to rearrange everything, as he was influenced by the Feng Shui book he was reading. Jonah arrived and the orca warmly greeted him ""Hey Jonah, how are you doing buddy?"" Jonah takes a look around and responds. ""Well, well whale. My, how the tables have turned!""" +12874,1,"I mentioned to my friend Hanz that today's the anniversary of the world trade center attacks. ""Nein, 11"" he said." +12875,2,Why does Google like Israel? Because Israel's leader is Not In Yahoo. +12876,1,I bought a bag of rocket salad today.... It went off before I could eat it. +12877,3,The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it really hard. +12878,1,Why did the French chef commit suicide? He lost his huile d'olive. +12879,0,What happens when you combine algebra and hamlet? =2b or not 2b? +12880,3,"A kid in high school really likes this girl and finally gets the courage to ask her to prom. To his surprise and delight, she says yes. He wants to make this night very special so he decides to get a tuxedo, a limo, and really nice flowers. First, he goes to the tux rental store and sees there is a line, but he waits and finally gets the perfect fit. Next he goes to the car rental store and finds another long line. He waits in the limo line for over an hour but manages to get the last one available. Finally, he goes to the florist and is greeted with yet another long line. This kid knows it will be worth it so he waits in the flower line for basically the rest of the afternoon and gets some beautiful flowers. Eventually, the night of the dance comes. He picks up his date wearing his new tuxedo and in his limo. The flowers are perfect and so is she. They dance and dance and are have a great time. At one point she asks him to go get some punch, so he went over to the punch bowl and finds there is no punch line." +12881,0,My dick may not be 12 inches....... But it sure does smell like a foot. +12882,0,If you buy more than one iPhone 10r you wil have 10 arse +12883,0,"Not so inspirational quotes. ""A journey of a thousand miles begins with opening up the Pokemon Go app"" ""When the going gets tough, get to the handicap stall, grip the bars, and let it rip"" ""If at first you don't succeed, try, try again...until you rage quit"" " +12884,0,What happened to the turtle after the war? He was shell-shocked +12885,7,I applied to be a sperm donor and was asked by the nurse if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said 'I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet' +12886,4,How many anime characters does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z. +12887,0,Did you hear about the students at the culinary school that used personalized mixing utensils to mark student dorms? They were told to enter at your own whisk. +12888,4,"An american, a german and a russian guy crashland in a jungle... ...after some days of pointless wanderling they finally meet the fearsome natives of that place. Their hopes of survival are shattered, as the chief of the tribe proclaims: ""We will kill you all in a terrible and painful way."" They start to plead for their lifes and finally the chief gives in. He offers them a challenge: ""If you succed in our 3 holy tasks, we will let you live. First: Drink 2 litres of our strongest moonshine. Second: Go to the dark cave and kill the bloodthirsty bear living there. And third: Sneak into the camp of our rival tribe and rape their chieftains' daughter."" Desperately the 3 men agree. The American starts. He manages to drink half a litre of moonshines, then passes out, so they kill him. Second goes the German. Being an experienced drinker he manages to trink 1 1/2 litres of the evil stuff. Just as he goes for the rest he blacks out and dies of alcohol poisoning. Third goes the russian. After downing the 2 litre of moonshine in one gulp he asks for more. Having finished another litre he proceeds to waddle to the cave. The natives are mightyly impressed as he enters the cave fearlessly. After some time there are some terrible fighting noises to be heard. There are excruciating screams and moans, from man and bear alike. This goes on for some time. Suddenly there is a loud whimpering from the bear which slowly fades after some time. After that the russian is leaving the cave. His shirt is torn, his back full of bloody scratches, otherwise he seems okay. The natives and their chief watch him in awe. Finally he straightens his back, looks the chief directly in the eye and asks: ""Aaah, so, that would be that. Now where can I find this chieftains' daughter, I am supposed to kill?"" " +12889,1,"I wish that I had four sight. But instead, I just have two." +12890,1,Why do people look to Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen to teach them how to make good blunts and joints? Because they're good roll models. +12891,0,Why do pigs have their nipples on two sides? If it had its nipples grown in one row the pig would be too long. +12892,0,"A bery attractive young woman had bern pulled over for speeding, and had given the officer her info. He came back to her window, and she said, ""I hear you dont give attractive women tickets in this town,"" The officer said ""You're right. Here is your citation, make sure you show on your court date.""" +12893,1,"My girlfriend left me because she thinks I'm too obsessed with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter." +12894,6,Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B positive”. +12895,1,"Do you know what? Well you should, hes a good guy" +12896,1,"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, ""What would you like this evening?"" ""Pop"", goes the weasel." +12897,3,"A farmer and his dog A farmer and his dog were hanging around when he told his dog ""go round up those 35 sheep!"" The dog did as asked and gathered up all of the sheep for his farmer, however, he missed a few! He only came back with 30... The farmer was infuriated so he sent his dog to dog school. A week later, the dog returned. The farmer decided to test his dog's improved farming abilities and told his dog ""round up those 35 sheep!"" To which the dog replied, ""sir there are 40 sheep."" The farmer had realized the error of his ways- the dog was too smart for farmwork! So the farmer sold his dog to a farm nearby. On the farm nearby, a farmer was hanging around with his dog when the farmer said ""round up those 35 sheep!"" To which the dog replied, ""sir there are 40 sheep."" ""Holy shit a talking dog!!!""" +12898,2,"Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" ""No, but I know exactly where I am,"" Heisenberg replies. The cop says, ""You were doing 55 in a 35."" Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, ""Great! Now I'm lost!"" Finding this suspicious, the cop orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, ""Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"" ""We do now, asshole!"" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists." +12899,2,My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense... And that's how I saved Christmas... +12900,1,"I was teaching my 2 year old son how to drink through a straw. His mom walks in just to hear me say to him: ""You *suck*, just like mommy's boobies""." +12901,3,"A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check A cop pulls over a car during a traffic check and as he's asking the driver for his credentials, he spots three penguins sitting in the backseat. ""Sir, what are you doing with three penguins in your car?"" asked the cop. ""That's a funny story."" answered the man, ""I won these off of a friend of mine during a poker game, and now I have no idea what to do with them."" ""Why don't you take them to the zoo then?"" Suggested the officer. The driver blinked a moment and then smiled, ""That's a great idea, we'll go right away!"" ... Two days later, the police officer happens across the same car. Curious, he waves the driver over and when he walks up he notices that there's still three penguins sitting in the backseat. Only this time they're wearing shirts and caps. ""I thought you were going to take these guys to the zoo?"" he asked of the driver. ""I did!"" came the answer ""And we had so much fun, we're going to a themepark today!""" +12902,1,"My wife asked me if her stomach was flat I said yea, the ""L"" is just silent" +12903,2,A friend asked if I'd like to meet his girlfriend from r/jokes. Turns out I'd meta before. +12904,1,No one tells me what to do. I’ll slap the shit out of that colostomy bag. +12905,0,Knock knock... Bananna... Knock knock... Bananna... Knock knock... Orange you glad That's enough of your bananagains. +12906,3,My dad is the world's greatest magician.. He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years. +12907,0,Neo-Nazi: Poles are Drunken Eastern European Sub-Humans. Pole: Central European\\* +12908,0,What do you call your upperclassman who likes math? Sen3.14 +12909,0,I starred in a porno recently... I played a small part. +12910,0,What is Putin's favorite genre of music? Heavy Meddle +12911,0,Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon? Neil Farmstrong +12912,0,Difference between a 14 year old girl and a Volvo? I don't have a Volvo BOUND AND GAGGED IN MY BASEMENT +12913,0,What did the mom tell the kid who wet the bed? Urine trouble. +12914,1,"What do all the Rainforest Animals say when the Jaguar finishes their shower? They can't say anything, as the Jaguar is totally spotless." +12915,1,"What did the hamster tell the software engineer? ""Trust me! All your problems can be solved by doing something in a loop""" +12916,0,"Electronic condom So I was looking for online porn using one of those ""safe"" browsers. Apparently the only things that are safe on the internet are advertisements (fully clothed)." +12917,1,"I had a meeting with my boss today. He said ""are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"" Did he just assume my agenda?" +12918,0,I'm what the kids call shitpost +12919,2,"A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular. Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get revenge. Joe will get Reedemps to chase him, and Shaw will be waiting with a toothbrush he’s shaved into a plastic knife. The next day at lunch Joe dumps his prison lunch chili on Reedemps’ head and runs into a closet. Reedemps opens the closet, where Joe kills the lights and yells: “Shaw! Shank Reedemps’ shin!”" +12920,1,What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets. +12921,9,[Introducing My girlfriend to my family] Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck +12922,3,How do you tittilate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot. +12923,0,"As climate change becomes worse, Canada will soon become the world’s superpower. And then you’ll all be sorry." +12924,0,What is the smallest mall? sMall ! +12925,0,"A Rabbi and an Iman walk into a grocery store The look at the hummus, get very confused, and look at each other. The Imam says “Rabbi Demsky, this is disgusting.” The Rabbi replies with “Agreed, hummus should never have been made into a dessert product.” " +12926,0,"The ghost joke. Once when I was travelling in the deep south of the USA, I decided to try and understand the culture there. I was invited by one of my co-workers to attend an evangelical preachers event, where I could see something that was really “out there” We went along to a large stadium that seated around 40,000 people. The event was full and everyone was quite excited to be there. The atmosphere was electric. Upon entering I was amazed at the setup, there were lights everywhere , the sound was loud , the crowd was pumped and it was more like a rock concert than going to a church function. In order to get the crowd to a fever pitch there were bands on before the preachers and there was even a very famous pop singer came on to do a song. The first preacher then came on , he started with a bang. Literally there were fireworks and pyrotechnics. This was some event! He started preaching in his best preachers voice “Is everyone having a good time tonight” he shouted The crowd loved it and cheered back “Im here to talk to you TONIGHT about the afterlife” The crowd cheers again. “I travel from the EAST to the WEST , all over this wide land talking about connecting people with the other side. I ask the PEOPLE about their connection with the other side!” The crowd hangs on every word , and people are quite overcome with the emotion of the situation. There are people yelling out things like “Praise Be!” “I ask the people when I travel around , and I ask them “Have you EVER... EVER.... seen a GHOST?”” Lights go on , wild music starts playing and the crowd goes wild. The spotlights pick out people in the crowd that have put their hands up. People near those with their hands in the air are pounding them on the back and pointing them out to others near them. About 20 percent of the crowd have seen a ghost. “Thats amazing” the preacher yells “Praise those blessed people , and praise the afterlife” The crowd is lapping the whole thing up without exception. They are all on their feet chanting and stamping their feet. The sound stops and the lights go down again. “ I travel from the EAST to the WEST , all over this wide land and I ask the PEOPLE questions” The preacher has the people in the palm of his hand. “ I ask the PEOPLE.. Have you EVER... EVER..... TOUCHED a ghost?” The lights remain low. The crowd goes silent. Some of the people in the crowd raise their hand. Around 500 people have touched a ghost. The lights pick up the people with their hands up. The music starts up again. The crowd loses..its...mind. “GIVE THOSE PEOPLE A CHEER” the preacher yells. Sweat pours off his face. He runs frantically around the stage. The people with their hands up stand up.. everyone is cheering. The music is blaring. “Now... everyone quiet down now” The music again stops. The lights dim. The crowds sits down expectantly awaiting the next revelation. The preacher begins again in hushed tones. “I travel from the EAST to the WEST, from the NORTH to the SOUTH , all over this wide land. I have NEVER , EVER heard an affirmative to this question” The crowd is hushed, what could it be? “Has anyone, out there, tonight, who has ever, ever, FUCKED A GHOST?” The crowd is amazed. Everyone is silent, there is not a movement in the whole stadium. The preacher has his hand shielding his eyes , searching the crowd. The ushers in the crowd are scanning everyone in their area. The crowd are craning their neck looking around. Then – one person – way in the back of the crowd puts his hand tentative in the air. His neighbors, unbelieving nudge each other. Could it be true? They elbow him and encourage him to lift his hand up. Other people in the area look around. Someone starts clapping. The usher looks over , sees the guy and excitedly raises his hand up to signal he has seen something. One single spotlight swings around over the crowd. It picks the solitary man up and more people turn around. More people start clapping. The guy gets more confident, raising his hand as high as it will go. The preacher notices the excitement way in the back of the arena , his eyes go wide in disbelief. He stumbles over to the edge of the stage and looks out. “Can this be true?” The preacher says in amazement. More lights swing over to the solitary man in the crowd. He is now lit up and the whole section is clapping and cheering for him. People are slapping him on the back. His eyes are wild with pride. “ITS A MIRACLE” The preacher screams The lights all go on. The music blares at top volume. “COME ON DOWN” the preacher yells , motioning with both his arms flailing the man should come down to the stage. The man stands up tentatively, but with the cheers of the crowd gathers confidence as he slowly works his way to the aisle. He gets to the aisle and starts walking down. “GIVE THAT GUY AN HALLELUJAH” The preacher screeches. The entire crowd screams out. The man is boosted again and starts jogging down. The preacher is jumping wildly on the stage. The man , increasing in confidence with every step starts pumping his fist in the air as he is running down to the stage. The crowd is jumping up and down in unison. People are crying and weeping. Old ladies are fainting. Men are foaming at the mouth and speaking in tongues. Its a frenzy of activity. The man reaches the stage. Pyrotechnics explode while balloons are dropping from the roof. The balloons catch fire and land on the crowd. No one minds as they are so enthralled by the display. A dance team comes up behind the preacher followed by a full choir. The choir sings at the top of their voice. People lift the man up on their shoulders and carry him to the stage. “HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE BE” the preacher pants. Both him and the man are out of breath. The music drops and the crowd goes into a hushed silence “Now tell everyone – out there , how you fucked a ghost” The man looks confused, looks over to the preacher and says “Ghost? I thought you said goat!” " +12927,1,What does an occult window washer use? A squeegee board +12928,1,16 Sodium Atoms walk into a mansion. Batman! Simple chemistry joke. Spoiler/Answer: [^The ^atomic ^symbol ^for ^Sodium ^is ^Na. ^Na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^na ^BATMAN!](#s) +12929,0,"A woman was tired of the kicks and slaps her husband gave her during sex So she decided to divorce him, and put an announcement in the newspaper looking for a man that didn't kick nor slap but was still good in bed. One day, the bell rang, and it was a man without arms nor legs, in a wheelchair. -What do you want? - she asked. -I came for your announcement, as you can see I can't kick nor slap! - he answered. -You probably didn't read the entire thing, I also asked for a man who is good in bed... -Listen here, how do you think that I rang the bell? " +12930,0,"I tried telling a traffic sign to turn. It said ""No, ... U Turn""" +12931,3,I like crickets They always laugh at my jokes. +12932,0,"When we become a space-faring species, what will our currency inevitably change to? Starbucks" +12933,1,"My friend started a lamp shop for chavs, so i went the other day... It was well lit." +12934,2,"Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in? The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in" +12935,2,"A redhead walks into the Dr. Office..... She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor ""I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts."" The doctor looks at her and says, ""Let me guess that you are naturally blonde."" ""Why yes, How did you guess?"" ""Because you have a broken finger."" " +12936,0,"A child asked his father, ""How were people born?"" So his father said, ""Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."" The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, ""We were monkeys then we A child asked his father, ""How were people born?"" So his father said, ""Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."" The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, ""We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."" The child ran back to his father and said, ""You lied to me!"" His father replied, ""No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."" " +12937,1,What did Neil Armstrong do after getting caught harrassing a woman? He apollogised +12938,0,"I walked past a protest the other day and heard everyone shouting ""legalise it!"" I thought why not and joined in, but after a minute or two I left. I'd figured out they were talking about marijuana and not suicide. " +12939,1,Jesus saves 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico! +12940,7,"A female gorilla is alone in a cage at a zoo... ... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks: ""Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"" The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions. ""First!"" He says, ""I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"" ""Yes."" Says the zookeeper. ""Second!"" The janitor says, ""I don't want anyone to know about this!"" ""Alright"" says the zookeeper, ""And what's the third condition?"" ""I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars.""" +12941,0,Yo Mama So Fat... ...it took the Large Hadron Collider to weigh her atoms. +12942,3,"The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense." +12943,0,"A drunk man is barely standing up next to a street lamp. An aged woman passes by... ""Ugh, old and ugly,"" says the drunk. The woman turns around and ""hum, filthy drunk!"" -""Yeah, but mine go away with a bath.""" +12944,0,I prevented my best friend's suicide attempt today It was Breaking Noose. +12945,0,"*NSFW* Barbara Walters visits a Native American tribe She is interviewing the tribe and ask what the meaning behind the number of feathers in the head dresses is. One man states that he wears only one feather because that’s the number of women he sleeps with. One woman one feather. Well she doesn’t believe this so she asks another man who has 4 feathers in his head dress, he states the same answer, how many women he sleeps with. Not accepting this answer either she decides to take it straight to the top, the chief. She asks the chief the same question, he has many feathers in his head dress, his answer is “Big or small, short or tall, I fuck em all!” Barbara is shocked and exclaims “Oh dear!” The chief looks here dead in the eye and says “Oh no, no fuck deer, mother fuckers run too fast and asshole too tight!” **My apologies to any Native Americans who could be offended by this joke, it is very very old (heard it when I was 9 and now almost 50) and I am not trying to offend anyone. Just sharing a joke I remember**" +12946,5,"Happiest old man or what An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. ""Well,"" says the old fellow, ""I just got married to a twenty-five year old redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."" The policeman looks at the old man and says, ""You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"" So the old man says, ""I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!""" +12947,2,"So, this Irish guy walks out of a bar ..............What?............it *could* happen. " +12948,2,"My girlfriend always tells me that the one thing she won't tolerate is infidelity... She would leave, no questions ask, if I ever cheated on her. Thankfully, my wife is a little more lenient." +12949,1,What have a Long distance runner and a prostitute in common? Both have to lube their ass in the morning. +12950,5,I ran into an old friend the other evening. Should have had the headlights fixed. +12951,0,Lego introduces a wheelchair bound minifig. He lost his mobility after stepping on a lego. +12952,4,How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg +12953,0,"I vaulted an electric fence. My friend asked me, ""Why did you do that?"". I said ,""enough with your ample comments"". He looked back in shock." +12954,0,How do you deal with fashionistas? Grab them by the stussy. +12955,1,What do you call a cow that goes to the gym every day? Shredded Beef ​ +12956,4,We're having a Jamaican hair day at work tomorrow I'm dreading it already. +12957,4,"The wife phoned me and said, ""You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"" I replied, ""But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"" She said, ""Record it and watch it later."" You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod… " +12958,0,Ten Things I know about you 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for +12959,2,I hate when people call me a grammar nazi I'm a member of the alt write! +12960,2,"A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office Wearing nothing but Saran wrap, the doctor says - “ well sir, I can clearly see your nuts” " +12961,0,How Long is a Chinese Name? Yes. +12962,3,"What rhymes with orange. No, it doesn't" +12963,1,What do Texas and an aspiring Hollywood actress have in common? They both get fucked by Harvey. +12964,0,What kind of dog did the Flintstones buy when they moved to the suburbs? A Labra-dabra-doodle. +12965,1,Teacher- Where is the CAPITAL of US? Student- In Swiss Bank +12966,1,New article about an asteroid colliding with Earth I couldn't read it... Hits too close to home. +12967,0,"New study shows that homosexuals care more about marriage than straight people. When they propose, they get down on both knees." +12968,1,What do fish like to smoke? Seaweed +12969,2,I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity. It seems like only yesterday. +12970,3,What does an old lady's pussy taste like? Depends. +12971,2,I have a friend with a bouyancy fetish Well whatever floats your boat +12972,0,"My name is Dr. B. Gee I help people stay alive, stay alive" +12973,0,"I went to the sale at the apiary I thought I would get some really cheap honey, but I got stung." +12974,0,"I once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass... Madam: You can't bring that in here, we don't want a sticky situation on our hands. Me: I can leave the honeycomb outside. Madam: The honeycomb can stay, but Mr. Trump needs to leave." +12975,0,Some say Hitler did nothing wrong... ... But have you seen his art portfolio?! +12976,1,How many Mexican's does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan +12977,0,I like my women like my coffee Without another guys dick in it. +12978,0,Two in a row 1. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. 2. Knock knock. Who's there? Chicken! +12979,3,A clown opened a door for me. It was a kind jester. +12980,0,I did a Marquez impression in the hood... ... I was the magical realest. +12981,0,What do you call a maid who gets sucked into a black hole? A vacuum cleaner. +12982,0,What's America's #1 domestic product? school shootings. +12983,0,What did the cat score at the Olympic Diving Event? A Purrrrrrrfect 10 +12984,0,What was the Internet called during World War II? Access and all lies. +12985,1,Top 10 places to visit before you die! A hospital. +12986,3,"I bought an ex blacksmiths dog... When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!" +12987,2,Why don’t you fart in an apple store? Because they don’t have windows +12988,2,What do you call a group of angry white guys? Saltine Crackers +12989,2,Do you know what impresses me most about gloryhole construction? The load-bearing walls. +12990,1,"Getting Pregnant Via Prayer Two best friends are having a very hard time getting pregnant. Both have tried multiple times with no luck till one day one of the women shows up with a huge pregnant belly. The non-pregnant woman asks how she did it. She hears her say she did it through a, ""Hail Mary"" at the local Church. She runs to the local Church overjoyed and finds a priest. She says, ""I need your help my best friend said she got pregnant from a Hail Mary at the Church"". The Priest responds, ""No my child you misunderstood she got pregnant from Our Father but due to the circumstances he no longer works here"". " +12991,1,What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the great have in common? Same middle name! +12992,2,Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job? The manager says he's an ink-redible employee. +12993,2,"Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”" +12994,3,"Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limit.""" +12995,2,"If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, what does drinking Fanta make you? diabetic " +12996,2,"A young teacher is talking to her class of third-graders She explains to them that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says, ""Because I'm not a Christian."" The teacher asks, ""So what are you then?"" The girl replies, ""I'm an atheist."" The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says, ""It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."" The teacher is now angry. ""That's no reason."" she says loudly. ""What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"" ""Then,"" says the girl, ""I'd be a born-again Christian.""" +12997,0,"I like my women like I like my TV dinners Hot, delicious, and with me during the playoffs" +12998,1,I was investing in Monopoly games Until I realized that there is no real money in them +12999,0,"My family is German. I've learned the hard way not to get drunk. The hangovers aren't the problem, but for some reason I keep waking up in Poland, and all my Jewish neighbors keep vanishing..." +13000,0,What does UNMIFR (the United Nations Mission in Former Russia) and God have in common? Neither exist. +13001,0,Where does a Sith Lord go when he poops? He goes to the Darthroom. +13002,3,"A priest is baptizing a man. A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says ""Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"" The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says ""from this day on, you will be known as green tea""" +13003,0,I really like Trump and his policies. But I also would really like to see the end of the world. +13004,1,"Different kinds of orgasms Steve: Do you know the different kinds of orgasms? Bill: No... S: There's the positive orgasm -- Oh yes. Yes. Yes! The negative orgasm -- No. Oh no. Don't stop. The holy orgasm -- Oh God! Oh my God! The swearing orgasm -- Fuck. Oh shit. Fuck. And...the fake orgasm -- Oh Bill. You're so good, Bill. *This joke works best if spoken aloud. Substitute your companion's name at the end and enjoy." +13005,1,"3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, ""Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."" The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says ""Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."" He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot. The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same. He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot. He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, ""Why did you do that, why did you laugh?"" and the second guy replies, ""Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!""" +13006,0,Last night I slept with a married woman while her husband was black out drunk in the same room... I awoke to a pee-filled bed and one irate wife. +13007,1,I was going to make a joke about molestation... But it seems to be quite touchy subject. +13008,2,What does the wind turbine say to the power plant? I’m your biggest fan! +13009,3,What separates man from animal Divorce +13010,2,Harry Potter became vegan... Now he only speaks parsleytongue +13011,7,"President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope. Fake noose. " +13012,5,"I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells... Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment." +13013,3,"Two guys are sitting in a bar one night on the 20th floor of a hotel. The first guy says to the second guy ""Did you know if you jump out the window, right around the time you pass the 10th floor there is a huge updraft that will lift you back up to the bar?"" The second guy, of course, doesn't believe him so he says ""Prove it!"" So the first guy jumps out the window and a few seconds later comes back through the window. ""Wow! Unbelievable!"" shouts the second man. ""OK, I'm gonna try it."" So he leaps out the window and is flying down past the floors. He passes the 10th floor and keeps falling. He finally hits the pavement and dies. Back in the bar, the bartender says ""Superman, you're such an ass when you're drunk.""" +13014,0,You know what mothballs smell like? How'd you get their little legs apart? +13015,1,"I was going to adopt a nihilistic world view, But there was no point." +13016,2,Why do aliens prefer to Masturbate? So they can cum in peace. +13017,1,"What's old, white, leans to the right and might pinch your ass if you get too close? George HW Bush." +13018,1,I accidently filled my Escort with diesel ... she died. +13019,2,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of its clause." +13020,0,Why did Matt go to the strip club? To pick up loose women. Why did Goldstein go to the strip club? To pick up loose change. +13021,10,"As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough." +13022,4,"Mom when I was on the bus Son:- Mom when I was on the bus with dad this morning he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom:- Well, you have done the right thing. Son:- But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap. 🙂" +13023,2,Why is it always a good idea to wear 'tall pants'? Because it's a practice of good high-jean! +13024,0,What does a poor man call rain? A free car wash. +13025,4,"A man goes to hell. He is walking around solemnly, staring at the ground, when the devil comes over and asks him what is wrong. ""I'm just really bummed out that I ended up in hell, you know? It's such an awful place."" ""Oh come on, it's not that bad"" the devil said. ""Say, do you like to drink liquor?"" ""Yea, I used to drink all the time when I was alive."" ""Well, we have every kind of liquor down here, and Mondays it's all you can drink!"" The man started to cheer up. ""Do you like to smoke?"" ""Sure."" ""Well, we spend all day Tuesday smoking! Whatever you want, all day. Do you like to gamble?"" ""Absolutely!"" ""Well, Wednesday is our casino day. We spend the whole day gambling!"" ""Wow, this sounds great"" the man said. ""See it's not so bad down here. Now tell me, do you like being sodomized?"" ""Oh... no, not at all."" ""Well, you're not going to like Thursdays.""" +13026,1,For a while I was a hot dog vendor. One time this guy walked up to me and asked me to make him one with everything. So I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face. +13027,2,Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men. It has the same centerfold every month! +13028,0,Did you hear the joke about the procrastinator? I'll tell you the punchline later... +13029,2,"Exactly 22 years ago Princess Diana was on the radio... ...She was also on the windshield, dashboard, and glovebox." +13030,2,Communism jokes aren’t funny Unless everyone gets it. +13031,1,"My mother always tells me to follow up the bitter truth with a sweet, small compliment Guess a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" +13032,2,I've stopped paying for sex recently my prostitute recognised me and gave me a freebie +13033,0,What do you call a group of friends who make songs on friendship? Friendship Band +13034,2,"Cigarettes are like hamsters. Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light the butt on fire." +13035,1,Why was the bear so proud of the house he built? Because he built it with his bear hands. +13036,0,"What does a family reunion at the dinner table and a penis have in common? forced kin. alternatively, 'force skin' is probably not a power that george lucas intended jedis to have." +13037,1,What's Mr T's favourite dessert? Petit Filous (Credit goes to my ex wife for this one). +13038,3,"A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink. Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in. He shouts out Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley? Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin. True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was! As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin? The blond replies I had to walk back home " +13039,2,"If sex between two people is a normal twosome, and sex between 3 people is a threesome... Now I know why everyone calls you handsome" +13040,2,When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first Brownie. +13041,2,What does a menopausal Vietnam vet suffer from? Hot flashbacks +13042,0,What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +13043,0,Knock knock. Who's there? f. f who? f you. Open the damn door +13044,3,I had sex with 2 Thai prostitutes and it was like winning the lottery. Because there was six matching balls +13045,1,Why dont keyboards sleep? Because they have two shifts. +13046,1,Did you hear about the lightening bug that ran into the bug zapper? He was delighted. +13047,1,And the solution for Brexit is. 42 +13048,2,Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrrrrghh +13049,0,A man walks into a bar Ouch -badumtiss- +13050,3,"There was once a group of Friars Who began selling flowers instead of cheese. They found great success in this new calling, so much they were putting a local florist shop out of business. The local florists were angry and decided to hire thugs to intimidate the friars into ceasing their flower sales. Thug after thug, no one was able to stop these men of God - until a man named Hugh made the friars scurry away from the town entirely! This important story teaches us a valuable lesson: only Hugh can stop Florist Friars" +13051,1,"Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital. One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape. They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop. One of the sociopaths jump over to the other rooftop with ease, but the other one suddenly freezes and tells the first sociopath that he's afraid that he isn't going to make it. The first sociopath then gets an idea. He pulls out a flashlight and shouts: ""If I shine thos flashlight over to your side you can just wall across the beam."" But the other sociopath wasn't going to be fooled so easily, so he shouts back at the other: ""You really think I'm that mental? You'll just turn of the beam when I'm halfway over!""" +13052,2,I don't like adulting... ...just kidding. +13053,0,"A horrible Charlie Brown joke Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts are doing a project for school that requires them to select the name of a country out of a hat. Lucy goes first and gets the United States. Linus goes up and picks Japan. Finally, after everybody else has selected their country, Charlie Brown is the only one left. He nervously steps up to the hat, picks a name out of it, and groans. Upon sitting back at his seat, Linus asks him what's wrong. Charlie Brown sighs and simply says, ""I got Iraq."" (Don't get it? Here's a hint: you need to pronounce Iraq a certain way to understand.)" +13054,1,"A new harbour master... A new harbour master decided to send a toll man to a Russian ship and he told him ""Be sure to be thorough they usually hide a lot of vodka"" Amazingly the toll man didn't find anything. But 5 days later the ship still hadn't moved so he called the captain to see what the problem was. ""Well your toll man looked everywhere so we had to throw the vodka out the windows and now we are stuck on a mountain of glass.""" +13055,3,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight! I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629"" " +13056,2,What's a cannibal's favourite movie? Gladiator +13057,1,I decided not to donate money to a blind children's charity It's not like the kids will see any of it +13058,1,People say that without college I'm nothin Bitch please I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger *Hooks onto clothing rack* +13059,4,What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt? If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture. +13060,0,"Did you hear that Russia is going to legalize voting while drunk? The government is saying: ""What difference will it make if they are drunk or not?""." +13061,1,Just got a new step ladder. It hurts not being able to see my real ladder anymore. +13062,3,"A man confesses his sins to a priest... He says “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I was skiing down the slopes on my recent trip to Austria. Upon my return to the top of the slope I noticed my boss from work. I was wearing my ski mask and a balaclava so he would not have recognised me. As he was leaning down to fix his skis I pushed him down the mountain. He fell and broke his arm. I laughed and I laughed when I found out he wasn’t at work because of the injury.” The priest says “This the fifth time you have told me that story since Monday” The man responds “I know but it’s fucking hilarious!” " +13063,5,"Some things you just can’t explain.[Long] A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?” The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.” “Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.” The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked. “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.” “Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said. “So, what did you do?” the man asked. “Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”" +13064,0,How do you turn water into holy water? Ya boil the hell out of it... +13065,1,"i have a massive crush i don't think i can drink this all alone, anyone wanna help?" +13066,1,What is a mathematician's favorite drug? LCD +13067,1,"Thomas always wanted to change the World... it wasn't until he fell out the 40th story window, however, that he made a real impact." +13068,5,What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships +13069,2,"Two students are late for school, so their teacher sends them to the principal's office. The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, ""I was throwing sticks in the lake."" The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, ""Boy, this school sure is strict - that's not really worth an offense worth going to the principal's office over. Heck, I loved doing things like that when I was a kid!"" Pretending to be dead serious so that the boy might shape up a little, he slowly says, ""Well, knock it off and get to class on time from now on. You won't get off as easy if I see you back in here after this."" The boy furiously nods his head and practically sprints out of the office. As soon as the door closes, the other boy comes in after him and sits down in front of the principal's desk. The principal asks him why he's late, and he gives the exact same response - he was throwing sticks in the lake. A bit annoyed now, but understanding that the boys were just enjoying themselves together, and reminiscing on his own youth, the principal tells him, ""I'll let you off the hook this time, but go to class and come to school on time. You're here to learn - don't squander your opportunities by goofing off."" The student, now red in the face, gives a faint ""Yes"" and leaves the office. Satisfied, the principal smiles, leans back in his chair, and thinks to himself, ""These kids aren't so bad. I think I'll like it here."" No sooner than the instant he finishes that thought, the door swings open for a third time, and a boy who looks to be about as old as the other two slowly walks into the office, soaking wet, completely disheveled and tracking mud everywhere he steps. He gets to the chair the other students sat at before him, angrily grumbles to himself, and sits down in a huff, furiously staring at the tiled floor. The principal, a bit fed up at this point, but still not wanting to be overly harsh, jokingly says, ""Let me guess: throwing sticks in the lake with your friends, and you bit off a little more than you could chew?"" The boy, seething, snaps, ""No - I'm Sticks.""" +13070,6,"What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading" +13071,0,I got the funniest joke you'll ever hear in your life. But I'm scared that people will call it a repost. +13072,1,"A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says ""Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die."" The man from France said, ""bring me the poison."" The man from Britain said, ""bring me the gun"" And the man from New York said, ""bring me a fork"" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS”" +13073,1,Why did the lactose intolerant man drink chocolate milk with thc oil? For shits and giggles +13074,1,"A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her ""my darling."" But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, ""My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"" And the lady said, “Pardon?”" +13075,0,Son: Why did you have me when you were so young? Mother: But it was an accident! Son: Did... did you survive? Mother: Actually son it was a fucking mistake. +13076,2,"Tony walked into a bar in Texas… And he saw a sign that said: “WIN $10,000!” He asked the bartender, “How does this contest work?” The bartender replied, “You have to eat the entire pot of chili from two years ago” and he points to a smelly old pot in the middle of the counter. “How much to try?” Tony asked. “$10.00” the bartender replied. Tony figured, “What the hell, let me try it.” He put down the money, walked over to the pot, and began quickly eating the rancid looking mixture. When he was 2/3 of the way done, he saw a dead rat inside, and horrified, he puked everything back into the pot. The bartender walked over and said “Yup. That’s what happened to the last few guys also.”" +13077,7,"Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says ""we don't serve noble gases here."" Argon doesn't react." +13078,1,"Reverse pick-up line ""Girl, you're like a truffle..."" ""Hard to find and very valuable?"", the girl asks with a smile. ""No, only pigs dig you.""" +13079,1,I need a pencil sharpener. Just to put it bluntly. +13080,4,My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is. +13081,0,"Doctor comes to Dad with newborn baby... Doctor swings baby from left to right, and throws him up and down. Doctor drops the baby! Dad looks shocked! Doctor says: I'm just fooling around, baby was stillborn..." +13082,0,What's worse than dingleberries? Tangleberries +13083,0,"A little boy goes for a Sunday picnic with his mom and dad.... ....they arrive at the most beautiful spot, at the top of a cliff overlooking a magnificent canyon. They set out a blanket and delicious food and proceed to have a truly memorable family afternoon. Without a gust of wind or cloud in the sky, they all fall fast asleep after their meal, to the sound of chirping birds and cute little forest dwellers. Time goes by, and the little boy wakes up. He looks around and can't see his mom and dad anywhere. He begins to panic and cry and yells out, ""Mommy! Daddy! Where are yoooouuu!?!??"" He notices how close they are to the cliff and with a heavy heart looks over the edge. The site is horrible and the little boy is devastated. Down below on the rocky bottom are his parents, dead...blood everywhere...just an absolute hellish site. Just then, a man comes out of the bushes and sees the little boy crying. He walks up to him and asks: ""Hey little guy, what's wrong???"" The little boy replies: ""My mommy and daddy and me came to have a picnic and after I wake up I see mommy and daddy at the bottom and they died!!!"" The boy can hardly keep it together. The man looks over the cliff and sure enough the little boy's parents are at the bottom. The man shakes his head, undoes his fly and says: ""This just isn't your day, is it kid?""" +13084,1,What did the pig say to the butcher? I guess I’ll be sinew later... +13085,3,"A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her As in: ""You are a fast runner, you nearly got away.""" +13086,0,"2 Groups of Students 2 groups of students were given a task to get across a lake, one of the groups had 4 students that were very intellectual, the other were a bunch of average students. The average students were given wooden materials and ropes while the 4 students were given nothing. Unfortunately, the average students were unable to build a boat or raft and get across. Fortunately, the 4 students had a scholarship." +13087,5,"Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole " +13088,1,I noticed a bank teller having trouble counting coins so i bumped into his desk and knocked some cents into him. +13089,4,Why do you never see transgender people with kids? Because they're transparent +13090,4,"Joe’s headache Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 would fit fine. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'" +13091,0,"I went fishing with a friend who's been trying to limit his cursing. Long story short, he ended up catching this really big bass, and he wanted me to take a picture of him holding it. Right before I hit the snap button, this bass took a shit in my friend's hands. My friend screams at the top of his lungs, ""Bass tuuuuuuuurd!""" +13092,1,"Tits are like trainsets... Both are made for kids, but it's the dads that like to play with them." +13093,2,"A man went into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. He said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. So he agreed and began by saying, ""This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."" She asked if she could have a look at the problem and reluctantly he showed her. The pharmacist said, ""Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister."" When she returned, she said, ""We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $1,500 a month into a nominated account of your choice."" " +13094,1,"A man with Marfan syndrome walks into a bar... The barman says, 'why the long face?'" +13095,0,"The other day, my brother called me to tell me about a particular nightmare he had Brother: Dude, I had a really fucked up nightmare. I was laying in bed and 5 gay guys laid on top of me and had sex with me one after another. Me: Wow. Sounds like you enjoyed it too. Brother: What?! Why the fuck are you saying that?! Me: Well if you didn't enjoy it, you would have gotten up after the first one..." +13096,5,What does Yoda say when he is drunk? Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech +13097,0,Why Indians do not make jokes about feminists? Because they worship cows. +13098,0,What do you call Kurt Russel playing an archaeologist? Kurt Fossil +13099,1,"A man walks into a bar with a dog He sets the dog on the bar and the bartender says ""hey buddy you can't have that in here."" The man explains to him that it's okay because the dog can talk and is well behaved. The bartender(thinking the man is insane) offers a bet, $100 if his dog can talk. The man accepts the bet and turns to his dog to ask ""what's above our heads?"" The dog responds ""roof!"" The bartender is not impressed claiming thats a normal do noise and he was going to kick them out. The man responded that if he doubles the bet he can get the dog to say something else. The bartender accepts and the man turns to his dog and asks ""what is on a tree?"" The dog responds ""bark!"" The bartender starts to lose his patience and says ""that's it you're out of here buddy!"" The man implores he gets one last chance. The bartender says ""If your dog can say something I'll make it $300!"" The man very thankful turns to his dog and asks ""Who is the best baseball player of all time?"" The dog responds ""Ruth!"" The bartender furiously throws them out onti the sidewalk, angry he even gave the man a chance. On the sidewalk the dog turns to his owner who looks upset and says ""Is it DiMaggio?""" +13100,1,"Three school friends are discussing their post-graduation lives. The first says, ""I'm a Yuppie. A Young, Urban, Professional."" The second says, ""I'm a DINK. Get it? 'Double Income, No Kids.'"" The third, a homemaker, pauses, then says, ""Oh yeah? Well I'm a WIFE. Get it? 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.?'""" +13101,1,Lobotomy is the solution for all mental illnesses It's a no brainer +13102,0,You know what happens when you go to bed with a dirty butt... You wake up with a smelly finger! +13103,1,"I was talking to a friend... I was talking to my friend the other day, and she mentioned a possible Christmas gift. She thought'd she'd draw me some art of alien races, slightly erotic, and put it in a book for me. I told her not to put it in an actual book. I told her if my mom found out, I'd be hung. I almost told her ""And not like a black guy either,"" but then I realized that's probably not the best comparison. " +13104,5,"A married couple was in a terrible accident... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ""Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."" ""My darling,"" he replied, ""think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.""" +13105,2,Have you heard my forelimb joke? It's quite humerus. +13106,0,"Every woman deep down wants to do three things: Be Hot, be naked, and eat." +13107,1,"Poet competition It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter. The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win. Both opponents go in for themselves. But after only a few minutes the pastor steps forward and says: ""All my living, all my life, i had no women, i had no wife. I read the bible trough and trough, on my way to Timbuktu."" There is some applause. But there comes the globetrotter. ""I know that I can not win anymore, but could I still recite my verses?"" The jury agrees and he speaks: ""As me and Tim to Sydney went, we meet three ladys in a tent. Course they were three and we were two, i book one and Tim booked two."" ​ EDIT1: Grammar" +13108,4,"Mom, I got an A! ""Oh great honey, in what?"" Hepatitis" +13109,1,On a flight I asked the guy behind me if he minded me reclining my seat. He said he did. It really put my back up. +13110,1,A man decided to try and cure his acne with sulphuric acid It was a pore decision... +13111,1,What was Pamela Voorhees' main complaint about Camp Crystal Lake? The fucking teenagers. +13112,3,"Anti Vaxx Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12. " +13113,0,The economy is so bad... even the rope splicer can't make ends meet. +13114,2,How do you know if Jeffrey Dahmer smoked? They found butts behind his couch. +13115,0,I went to the supermarket today and got one of those shopping carts with the spinny wheel. I was forced to shop in circles for hours. +13116,10,"Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says... ""You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"" His buddy looks at him and says, ""Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep.""" +13117,7,"A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, ""Watch this, brah!"" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop. ""Top that!"" he shouts to the cargo pilot. ""Ok, well watch this."" says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. ""How'd you like that?"" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, ""What did you do?"" The cargo pilot replies, ""I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee.""" +13118,0,A friend of mine invited me to an amputee convention. I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy myself but I eventually convinced myself to go. And let me tell you I'm glad I did. There was pussy crawling everywhere. +13119,2,"I much prefer Kim Jong Un to Donald Trump One of them was a businessman for most of his life, while the other has been a politician for his whole Korea!" +13120,2,there was once a frustrated cannibal. he threw up his arms. +13121,0,I went to a sandwich store and ordered a mean sandwich It tasted pretty average +13122,1,"An assistant mortician ran excitedly into the morticians office and yelled.... ""you have to come check out this drowning victims pussy...it's got a jumbo shrimp stuck in it!"" After the mortician saw the cadaver he told the assistant ""that's not a jumbo shrimp...it's her clitoris."" ""Well, said the assistant, it tasted like shrimp.""" +13123,3,Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier. Sperm Bank Employee: What glass of milk? Me: The one that was right here on the counter. Sperm Bank Employee: Oh my god. Me: What? Sperm Bank Employee: You drank my glass of milk. +13124,4,9 out of 10 redditors are stupid I'm glad I'm in the 1% +13125,0,What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup +13126,4,What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad did not beat cancer +13127,2,I used to be indecisive... ...but now I'm not so sure. +13128,2,"You've gotta go for it! A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success! He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: ""You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success"". After some deliberation, he decides to keep climbing only to reach another platform. On it, yet another even more beautiful woman who offers him the same choice. ""You may stay here with me, or keep climbing the rope to success"". Damn, he thinks, should I stay or keep going? He decides to press his luck. He reaches a third platform with an even more beautiful woman who makes the same offer. Well, shit, this keeps getting better and better! Climbing once again, he reaches a fourth and final platform. Pulling himself up, excited for what awaits, he meets the final occupant! ""Hi!"", a man greets him, ""My name is Cess!""" +13129,1,"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, well, it's too dark to read." +13130,1,People with AB blood type develop a six pack more easily It's literally in their blood +13131,2,"ISIS has suspicions that one of their town's members is a Russian spy Senior ISIS commanders of a smaller Syrian town have been having suspicions that one of their members is a Russian spy, and has been feeding information back to the Kremlin. After some research, they narrow their suspects down to 3 of their newest recruits. In an effort to determine which of them is the spy, they concoct a test. They let it slip to the first recruit that they will be moving storage of explosives and ammunition to the local hospital. The second recruit is told that they will be transferring a massive oil shipment from a cargo area in the south of town for sale in Turkey in the morning. The third recruit and final suspect is told that all the senior commanders will be holding a meeting at an abandoned building in the center of town at midnight. The commanders, confident that they will be able to determine which recruit is the Russian spy, all decide to go to sleep somewhere in the east of town - far from any of the targets they just designated. The Russians got wind from their spy that the local hospital is being used to store munitions and explosives. They then carpet bombed the entire town. There were no survivors." +13132,1,What is Ernie's favorite kind of ice cream Orange Sherbert! Yes I know it's spelled sherbet - bite me! +13133,0,Why did jesus ressurect? He was double crossed +13134,0,What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors? A chicken sedan. +13135,0,"If plan A didn't work... Try Plan B. If Plan B didn't work either, congratulations, You're a parent!" +13136,2,Two great minds thinking alike is always productive Except when they are trying to call each other +13137,2,I came in #1 at a hackathon. Guess second place ain't too bad. +13138,1,No one ever explained to me what a simile was I can’t tell you what that was like +13139,4,If at first you don’t succeed... Then perhaps skydiving isn’t for you. +13140,0,"Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur are driving along a country road... When all of a sudden they hit a hog, belonging to a local farm. The driver says ""I'll go tell them what happened"" and leaves for a few hours. When he comes back, his clothes are disheveled, and he's covered in hickeys, and carrying a half-drunk bottle of wine. Clinton asks him ""What happened?"", to which the driver replies ""After telling them what happened, the farmer gave me a bottle of his best wine, his wife and daughters had sex with me, and they sent me off with a thousand dollars cash"". Intrigued, Hillary says ""Well, what did you tell them?"" The driver responds- ""AN ORIGINAL FUCKING JOKE THAT THEY HAVEN'T FUCKING HEARD A MILLION FUCKING TIMES FROM THE SAME FUCKING SUBREDDIT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST NOT UPVOTE LITERALLY THE SAME JOKE ELEVEN TIMES HOW IS STILL FUNNY TO YOU PEOPLE AFTER THE TENTH GODDAMN TIME TODAY"" ""Also I said 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I killed the pig'.""" +13141,5,Children in the back seat cause accidents... ...but accidents in the back seat cause children. +13142,4,My Mum introduced me to minimalism. It's the least she could do. +13143,2,What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hare line. +13144,0,What is another difference between a circus and a whorehouse? My husband doesn't go to the circus +13145,0,Why do hippies always burn their mouths? Because they drank tea before it was cool +13146,3,"A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him. ""I have two pieces of bad news,"" the doctor says. ""What are they?"" ""Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."" ""What's the 2nd piece of news?"" he asks. ""Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."" The man laughs and says, ""Well, at least I don't have cancer.""" +13147,0,"Mom confesses to her son about an affair she had. The boy realises his mom's husband isn't his biological father. Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man. And that person is your real father."" Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this? Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him.. 'cause he was a married man. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."" Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."" Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him. Son: Fine, but I will not commit anything. Phone: Morning Son, I am Bill Gates. I am your real father. Son: Wait a second now . . . !!! Dad! Dad! Dad !!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Love u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me . . Thank you soooo much mum. You are the best mum in the whole world!""" +13148,2,"College kid home for the summer, answers an ad for an ""Assistant Gorilla Catcher"" Old man says we usually don't get much work. But it pays $20 an hour, with a 40 hour week. Kid accepts the position and most of the summer goes by without a single phone call. Finally a call comes in for an escaped gorilla from the zoo, up a tree. Old man tells the kid to get the baseball bat and shotgun out of the closet and meet him at the truck. Old man goes and gets the meanest looking Pit Bull from his cage and they head over to the location. The old man grabs the dog, walks him over to the tree and gives him the command to stay. He walks over to the kid and says ""I'm gonna climb this tree and start shaking the branches until the gorilla falls out. When he hits the ground, the dog will clamp onto his balls and you run over and hit the gorilla on the head with the bat. He'll be unconscious and we'll be able to get him back to the zoo without any problems"". Kid says okay and the man starts climbing the tree. All of a sudden the kid yells out, ""So what's the shotgun for""? Old man says ""in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree first"". SHOOT THE DAMN DOG!!!!!" +13149,3,Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years. Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app. +13150,4,"Tired due to sex all the time I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy, ""Man you look tired."" His mate says: “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door. She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."" A fellow in his 60’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said, * * * * * * ""Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit !!""" +13151,2,"34 Days!! A bartender is at the beginning of his shift, when a few blondes come in and get a table. The group begins cheering and chanting ""34 Days! 34 Days!!"" One after another they come up for drinks and rounds of shots for their table. Thinking nothing of it, the bartender happily obliges. After about an hour the number of blondes grow to more than twice the size of the starting group. They continue cheering and chanting ""34 Days! 34 Days!!"" Happy and drunk, they continue to buy more drinks and rounds of shots. Starting to wonder what this gathering was about, the bartender starts to question one of the blondes as she comes up to order, but after looking at the tips he is making, he proceeds to serve the group without inquiry. 2 hours later, the blondes have more than doubled again! Now there are at least 30 some odd blondes at this gathering all whooping and hollering ""34 Days! 34 Days!!"" Finally the bartenders curiosity has gotten the better of him. When the next blonde comes up and orders a round of shots he asks ""Ma'am, I've watched your group grow almost tenfold. Everyone is so excited and it's a wonderful site to see, but I have to ask, what is it that you all keep yelling together '34 Days?'"" Excited to answer, the blonde proudly replies, ""We got together to prove to everyone that blondes were not dumb! After much debate, we decided to get a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said it would take 5 years, but we finished it in only 34 Days!!""" +13152,1,What does this joke have that Amy Schumer doesn’t? A chance to make you laugh +13153,2,Why did the photographer fail his test? Because he couldn't FOCUS +13154,1,I’m going to PanoptiCon. I’ll see you all there. +13155,2,"Women shouldn't have children after 40 Because really, 40 children is enough." +13156,1,"After his wife stepped out of the shower, her husband grabbed her breasts and said... ""If you firmed this up, you wouldn't need a bra."" He then grabbed her buttocks and said, ""And if you firmed this up, you wouldn't need a girdle."" In retaliation, she grabbed him by the crotch and snarled, ""And if you firmed this up, I wouldn't need to use your brother!"" " +13157,0,"What's M.Night Shamylon's favorite R&B ""Twistin' the Night Away """ +13158,1,"I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.' I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'" +13159,5,"Two men with a feather fetish Two strangers, and Englishman and a Scotsman, are sitting at a bar chatting. They've both had a few drinks, so the conversation gets a bit more personal. It turns out they both have the same strange fetish—tickling a woman's ass with a feather. The Scotsman says, ""Aye, ah luv it, but ah can never find anyone teh do it with."" The Englishman says, ""Oh it's simple. You simply ask every attractive woman you see, 'Can I tickle your ass with this feather?' and if she is offended, you claim to have said, 'How about the weather?' Works every time."" ""That's bloody brilliant!"" says the Scotsman. ""Ahd love teh try it. Have ye got a feather on ye?"" ""Of course. I always keep a feather on hand. Give it a go."" The Scotsman takes the feather and walks up to an attractive woman he's had his eye on across the bar. He nervously approaches her and says, ""Can ah stick this feather up yer arse?"" The woman spits her drink out. ""What did you say??"" ""It's fuckin' rainin!""" +13160,1,Have you guys heard of the snowman who was a comedian? His name was Bill Brrrrrrr +13161,3,Why do pirates have such good core strength? Planks +13162,2,What do you call BDSM with an artist? Artichoke +13163,0,"If the red house is on your right, and the blue house is to your left. Where is the white house In Washington DC" +13164,0,I'd tell a bondage joke... But I'm all tied up. +13165,0,What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls? You can only unload one with a pitchfork. +13166,4,"A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there. Critic: ""Would you like to know what I think of your art?"" Artist: ""Oh, yes please"" Critic: ""It's useless"" Artist: ""I know, but I would still like to hear it. "" " +13167,0,GOP releases current polling numbers for Roy Moore they're dipping into the teens +13168,2,"‘North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US’ At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States." +13169,2,"Mom just said the gardeners have green thumbs. But I just saw them and they were normal!, a kid asks his father. ""Well that's just a figure of speech son, it's like saying that someone who was caught stealing was caught 'red handed' even though in reality his hands are just black!"" " +13170,0,"How does Jesus celebrate Easter? He gets a manicure, pedicure, and has his nails polished." +13171,0,What do you call a pizza place run by epileptic midgets? Little Seizures! +13172,2,"The drunk and the lecture A drunk is approached by the police at 3 in the morning: The cop asks: -Where are you going in that state, at this time? The drunk answers: -I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and its lethal effects on the organism, the bad example, the nefarious consequences to the family, as well as the problem it causes in the family economy, and the absolute irresponsibility. The cop looks at him with disbelief, and says: -Oh really? And who will give a lecture at this time of the day? -And who could it be? ... My wife ... As soon as I get home." +13173,0,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. ""Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."" Watson replied, ""I see millions of stars."" ""What does that tell you?"" Watson pondered for a minute. ""Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."" ""Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."" ""Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."" ""Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."" ""Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."" ""What does it tell you, Holmes?"" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: ""Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!""" +13174,0,"I was given two t-shirts, a jacket and a sweater. They where shirty gifts." +13175,10,"Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach. Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority. ""Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."" Putin, not looking really impressed, answers: ""That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"" The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, ""How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"" Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, ""Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."" Edit: Wow, didn't expect this to blow up like that. Not my original joke, but I've made a couple edits so that it's a bit nicer next time someone posts it :)" +13176,2,What do you call a crucified zombie? Jesus Christ. +13177,0,"Parents are having a meeting with the principle. ""Thanks for coming to see me Mr and Mrs Smith, I'm not sure what to do about your son. You see he's been tagging all the wall here at school for some time now."" The Mother cries out ""Oh no our son's a vandal!"" ""Uhm no Mrs Smith your sons really fucking stupid""" +13178,4,"My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve? Once every four years." +13179,1,I'm in a fraternity just for rowers. It's called PPP. +13180,0,My best friend's a rocking chair... ...we go way back. +13181,0,How do Mexicans keep warm? They use chicken fajitas. +13182,4,What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite movie? It's FUCKING FROZEN! +13183,2,Not every Muslim is a terrorist... Only 9 / 11 are. +13184,1,"A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien ""Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."" He tells him.   The mexican man pleads with the officer, ""No, nooo, pleeze Senior, I must stay in te USA! Pleeeze!""   The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says ""Ok, I willl let you stay only if you can use 3 english words in a sentence"".   The Mexican man of course agrees.   The Border Patrol Agent tells him ""The 3 words are: Pink, Green and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.""   The Mexican man thinks really hard for a couple minutes, then says, ""Hmmm, Ok. Te phone goes Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"" " +13185,2,I just learned sign language... It's pretty handy +13186,5,I hate being bipolar. It's awesome! +13187,3,How does NASA get away with murder? They planet +13188,2,Where will you see yourself in 15 years? A Mirror +13189,3,how does a roman laugh when he's texting? lol 490 +13190,1,Marijuana Day is meaningful and I'm getting tired of people reducing 4/20 with jokes. It's turning into 1/5. +13191,1,What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. +13192,1,"What Do You Call A Chicken That Crosses The Road, Rolls In The Dirt, Crosses The Road, And Again Rolls In The Dirt? A Dirty Double-Crossing Chicken!" +13193,2,What is a mathematician's favourite fruit? A π-neapple +13194,3,"Officer: ""How high are you?"" Me: ""It's 'Hi, how are you.'""" +13195,8,"A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'" +13196,1,What's the difference between a liar and a psychopath? A psychopath wouldn't fuck a coconut. +13197,0,Breaking news: a plane with no pilot It didn't get off the ground +13198,0,"I look forward to snow and I woke up to some this morning... To me, that makes everything white in the world." +13199,1,Yo mamma so stupid She tells her kids yo mamma jokes +13200,3,"I left, I'm not coming back. To see her husband's reaction,a woman wrote on a paper: "" I left, I'm not coming back."" Hidden under the bed, the woman waited for her husband to arrive. He walked into the room, saw the paper, wrote something on the paper, and put himself to sing, all satisfied. 5 minutes later, he took his cell phone and called someone: - I'm going now. The other nut's gone. I'm on my way, remember I love you so much. He took the car and left. Mad in anger, the woman comes out under the bed and reads what he wrote... I could see your feet. went for bread Stop being retarded and make dinner." +13201,2,"I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on I shouted, ""Are you a Superhero?"". He said, ""No, I haven't paid for my haircut!""." +13202,1,Got some bad news from my doctor yesterday... ...his wife cheated on him. +13203,0,If Donald Trump becomes the next president... You already read the joke. +13204,1,"What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One walked on the moon, and the other F&cked little boys" +13205,2,The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. I was worried shitless. +13206,2,Origami is like Poker... You gotta know when to fold +13207,2,Genders are like the twin towers There used to be 2 and now its a sensitive topic. +13208,2,"A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest.. He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out ""Stop it! I'm a talking tree!"" The lumber jack responds, ""And you'll dialogue.""" +13209,0,"Two German parents walk into a birth registration center Employee: ""What the girl's name?"" Father: ""Liezel Roddy Hitler"" Employee: ""Literally Hitler?"" Mother: ""Ja"" Thus, a legend was born." +13210,2,Asian guy goes into bank to check on his million dollars!!! Asian: why do I only have 999 900 dollars instead of 1 million dollars Bank teller: Fluctuations Asian: Fluck you too. +13211,0,What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh +13212,3,I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like? Depends... +13213,2,"Truth Bot A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So, he decides to try it out at dinner. DAD: Son, where you in school today? SON: Yes - *robot slaps son* SON: Ok, I stayed home and watched movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story - *robot slaps son again* SON: Ok, it was Porn. DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. -*Robot slaps dad* MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, - *Robot slaps mom* " +13214,2,My wife is always telling me off for mansplaining I prefer to think of it as me giving her my testostermony. +13215,1,I just heard Bill is interested in Hillary again... She's barely legal... +13216,0,Here is a real good joke The DNC +13217,1,Why do monks not care about being celibate? Zero fucks given +13218,2,My new girlfriend told me she doesn’t eat dairy products. I said “No whey!” +13219,0,"Do you know how Bill and Hillary met? They were dating the same woman. WRITER'S NOTE: This might be a repost, but I've never seen it on /r/Jokes. Heard this from a friend, who doesn't have Reddit, so he didn't get it from there." +13220,2,"My ""Workaholics Anonymous"" meeting got canceled... Everyone had to work late" +13221,1,"Hey Google, make me laugh Google: Have you looked in the mirror today?" +13222,4,"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year. " +13223,4,Women should not have children after 35.. 35 children is definitely enough! +13224,1,[Short] What do you call Hulk Hogan in a hamster ball? A Hogie Roll. +13225,3,What do you call it when your friends trick you into going to the strip club? A booby trap. +13226,2,What is the state that has the most colds? Mass-ACHOO-setts +13227,0,"What is the proper way to address a lawyer that graduated last in his class? ""Your Honor...""" +13228,2,How is a meatball different than a meteor? It’s meatier. +13229,0,Women of the world unite! It's time to roll over.... And let the man sleep in the wet spot tonight! +13230,2,"I told my kids ""I slept like a baby last night, Woke up at 1am and fussed until your mom stuck a boob in my mouth.""" +13231,1,My wife mentioned that she couldn't remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication. I asked if she was worried about it? +13232,1,"I found my first grey pubic hair this morning. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but I found it in my sausage and egg McMuffin." +13233,1,"Was part of a really bad dodgeball team named off in the woods.... Other other teams would rejoice saying ""Last night we beat off in the woods"". " +13234,2,What do you call a musical chicken? Bach. +13235,0,Want to hear a joke about time travel? I'll tell you yesterday. +13236,2,You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months. +13237,3,A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match. **14 Missed Calls** +13238,4,"Son: Hey dad, want to hear a joke? Dad: Sure son. Son: Sex. Dad: I don't get it. Son: I know you don't." +13239,0,Make sure to always water your bike. You want those bike routes to grow. +13240,2,"A man walks into a bar leading a pony on a harness... Bartender says to the man ""You can't bring that pony in here."" Man replies, ""This is a special pony. He pays for all my drinks. See, I bet you, the bartender, that my pony can recite every letter of the alphabet after each shot of whiskey he drinks. You won't believe me, so you take that bet. When you lose, I get to drink for free the rest of the night. If I lose, my pony works for you for a week, free of charge."" ""You're right says the bartender. ""I don't believe you. That bet is on."" The bartender puts a shot glass on the counter and fills it with whiskey. The pony picks the glass up in his lips, chugs it down, slams the glass down on the bar top and whispers out ""Aaaay"" in a raspy voice. The man smiles and the bartender just looks dumbfounded before pouring out another shot. ""Beeee"" the pony whispers next. The bartender pours out another shot. Then shot after shot after shot.... ""Seeee"" the pony says rasping whispers . ""Deeee. Eeeeee. Effff. Geeeee."" This continues for every letter of the alphabet all the way to ""Zeeee."" ""That's amazing,"" says the bartender as he pours the man his free drink for winning the bet. ""I've never met a talking pony before. Is he alright though? All that whiskey makes it sound like he has a frog in his throat."" ""It's ok,"" replies the man. ""He's just a little horse.""" +13241,0,"My everyday schedule Wake up, take a shit, then get out of bed" +13242,2,"I like browsing random subreddits for example, I came across r/flashlight and it was pretty lit" +13243,3,I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity..... But it's a solid number two. +13244,4,I took a poop in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level. +13245,1,Let me tell you why you shouldn't fear those rats They don't got no back bone +13246,2,I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast. +13247,0,How Long Is A Chinese Name It's not a question +13248,2,Why did Hitler have milk for breakfast? Because he doesn't like juice +13249,1,You hear about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn’t understand. (Sopranos Reference) +13250,9,"I hate my job. My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her ""womanly"" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit." +13251,8,I've been told I'm condescending. (that means I talk down to people) +13252,3,"I have a confession to make... I’m addicted to the hokie pokie..... But hey it’s ok, I’ve turned myself around. And that’s really what it’s all about. " +13253,2,My dicks only 3 inches...... But smells like a foot +13254,0,"A Risk For All Seasons My mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.” Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama" +13255,5,"If you see a robbery happen at an Apple store, what are you? An iWitness" +13256,3,"Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo. The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done. ​ The first child stepped forward and said, ""My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."" The next said, ""My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."" ""My name is Billy,"" said the third kid, ""and I also threw peanuts into the elephant pen."" The fourth child then stepped forward and said, ""My name is Peanuts.""" +13257,0,"Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get to the idiot's house. Knock, knock... Who's there? The chicken." +13258,1,Wanna hear an impression of a lyrebird? Wanna hear an impression of a lyrebird? +13259,0,Did you hear about the dyslexic mechanic? He was caught jacking on. +13260,1,When I was pregnant I was with the conservatives But now I'm in Labour +13261,0,I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart... +13262,0,"Don't believe it when you get an email from Nigeria saying you've got 100 million dollars Total scam, only got 50 million" +13263,0,Did you hear the one about the girl who flew to the moon with a rocket up her ass? She burned up in rear entry! +13264,0,I am Ahmed Mohamed AMA! Wow that blew up fast! +13265,0,Why does the feminist get horny at linear algebra class? -Because fuck the system +13266,2,I like to tease my plants... When I water them I use ice cubes. +13267,1,"We have 20 people coming over to our house today, so my wife made me clean all week She's terrified someone will find out people live here." +13268,4,Did you hear about the meteorologist competition? The losers got precipitation trophies. +13269,2,[NSFW] What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. +13270,2,"A Scottish couple, were getting their child christened Halfway through, The minister glances at the father and says, 'Your daughter's name?' The father whispered, “Spindona.”The minister thought the name a bit odd, but he went ahead and christened the baby Spindona. As he did so, baby's mother burst into tears and the father furiously demanded why the minister had given his daughter such a ridiculous name. “But you said her name was Spindona,” protested the minister. “Ah did not,” fumed the father, pointing to a piece of paper attached to the baby’s shawl. “Ah telt ye her name’s pinned oan her!”" +13271,4,What is 6.9? One great thing ruined by a period +13272,1,"I just got a new car a few days ago, and I heard they are recalling it because of ignition issues. We are off to a bad start." +13273,1,"Man goes to a library... ... and asks the librarian ""Do you have the new book on people with small penises?"". Librarian asks him to go search the aisles, he comes back and asks her to check the computer. She checks ""I don't think it's in yet"". Man in excitement, ""yeah, that's the one!!""." +13274,0,Me: Don’t tell me you have never thought of sleeping with me. Her: No I never have. Me: I just told you not to tell me that. +13275,3,"Father and young son walking deep into the woods at night carrying a lantern and a shovel Son says ""Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared"" Father replies ""You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!""" +13276,0,"Fake News News are neither good nor bad, are fake" +13277,2,I just finished reading all the books in a Song of Ice and Fire I rate it a 5/7 +13278,3,What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike? Itenticle +13279,6,"What does the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift. " +13280,4,"My Grandmother used to tell us this knock knock joke She would say ""knock, knock"" and we would say ""who's there?"" then she would say ""I can't remember"" and start to cry....." +13281,1,What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart? Mind the GAAP. +13282,2,Two men walk into a bar You would think the second man would duck +13283,0,My favourite sex position is 71 !!! 69 with 2 fingers in her butt. +13284,0,How did the college freshman pass all his classes? He got an A+ by letting his teacher give him the D. +13285,2,Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky. Its a high-steaks situation +13286,1,"The first time someone drastically changed the Bible people probably thought ""Wow... ...loose canon.""" +13287,0,"My mother-in-law got hit by a car today She wobbled home. Then a half hour later she started complaining that she wants to go to the hospital. I told her her after I'm done reading r/Jokes, I'll run her down." +13288,2,"I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated ""From a distance they look like hares""" +13289,1,How does the sexiest man in the world tell a joke? Like this. +13290,6,I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written... That's why they call him the Supreme Reader. +13291,0,Why doesn’t Kanye use a case on his phone? +13292,4,How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number.. You've probably never heard of it +13293,3,"When Beethoven Passed Away, He Was Buried In A Courtyard A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, ""Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."" He listened a while longer, and said, ""There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling."" So the magistrate kept listening; ""There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."" Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, ""My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.""" +13294,0,"Who do you believe? (Not OC) A neighbour came to the gate of Mulla Nasreddin's yard. The Mulla went to meet him outside.""Would you mind, Mulla,"" the neighbour asked, ""can you lend me your donkey today? I have some goods to transport to the next town.""The Mulla didn't feel inclined to lend out the animal to that particular man, however. So, not to seem rude, he answered:""I'm sorry, but I've already lent him to somebody else.""All of a sudden the donkey could be heard braying loudly behind the wall of the yard.""But Mulla,"" the neighbour exclaimed. ""I can hear it behind that wall!""""Whom do you believe,"" the Mulla replied indignantly, ""the donkey or your Mulla?""" +13295,2,A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle. That's disheartening. +13296,0,"As the drummer brought her to orgasm... ...she shouted out loud "" Jesus that was the best rim shot I ever had "". Ba dum Tss." +13297,3,"My favorite French Army Jokes **Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?** To see the battle **Why do French tanks have 6 gears?** 5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades **Why do French boats have glass bottoms?** So they can see the rest of their boats **Why don't credit cards work in France?** They don't know how to say ""CHARGE"" **What do you call a French man killed defending his country?** I don't know, it never happened. **France decided they would change their flag to be more suiting.** In other words, France is the first country to have an all-white flag. **Did you hear about the French rifle for sale on Amazon?** It has never been fired but it has been dropped once. **What does the French army use as camouflage?** Their armpit hair. **Why was the guillotine discontinued?** They decided to use it for soldiers who won battles **Did you hear about the French beating Russia in the war?** Neither did I" +13298,1,"My girlfriend told me that I got her pregnant on our trip to Venice, but I don't know if I believe her... We only had canal sex. " +13299,0,A Chinese couple had a black baby They named it Sum Ting Wong +13300,1,How do you ruin a good joke's punchline? You repost it hundreds of times. +13301,4,"Bud Light A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: ""What happened?"" Woman: ""Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."" Doctor: ""I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."" Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: ""Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"" Doctor: ""You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"" " +13302,1,What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor +13303,1,"Why do the Scotts wear kilts? Because in the Highlands, sheep can hear zippers for *miles*." +13304,8,"Putin and Obama meet in Moscow They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better. Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics. Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight. Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around. Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun. Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Obama sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia. Obama and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Obama is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song. Obama leans out the window and shoots him. Obama: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks! Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Obama are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Obama let's the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route. The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Obama for the rest of the night. Putin: Barack, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again! The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting." +13305,0,"Alex asks his friend Ryan if he'd like to Engage in a Threesome ""It'll be great"", says Alex. ""Just you, me, and this homeless fella I met last night. What do ya say?"" ""Well,"" Ryan replies, ""I'm not really into 'gay stuff' and I don't know about that homeless guy..........???"" To which Alex quickly replies, ""Uh, yea man, it's cool, no hobo""" +13306,2,"If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P" +13307,2,I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test... ...I blew it :( +13308,0,"Netflix is producing a new documentary series on the Trump presidency... It's called ""Orange Is The New Black.""" +13309,4,I was playing poker with my friends. Dunno why they got so mad at me. I was just eating chips +13310,2,Why did Einstein have trouble trying his shoes? He wasn't familiar with string theory. +13311,1,"What's the difference between sod and a fat chick? Nothing, sooner or later they will both be laid by a Mexican" +13312,1,It seems like timers are always ticked off. To be fair they are constantly getting wound up. +13313,0,Is your name Paris? Because I wanna explode in you. +13314,1,What do you call a dishwasher that doesn't wash dishes? A feminist +13315,2,How do blind men rob eachother? By accident +13316,5,"High School Virgin Son to mother: ""Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."" Mother: ""Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.""" +13317,1,Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No problem Alan. +13318,3,How do you cut Rome in half? Use a pair of Ceasers +13319,0,Detective movies often feature pretzels in them. They both have a lot of twists. +13320,8,"Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers Genie: Done, you have no more wishes Me: But you said 3! Genie: Sue me" +13321,1,If a guy says he can't feel anything while wearing a condom... Ask him if he can feel the money being sucked out of his paycheck for the next 18 years +13322,0,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because he's homophobic. +13323,6,"Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” **Moral of the story**: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities." +13324,4,"First impression (NSFW)? A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him. ""What are you doing looking at me like that?"" ""Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he opens his door."" ""Huh. I've never heard that before. What do you mean?"" She smiles and says, ""For example, he could fumble around for his keys, take a few tries to get it in the lock? That's inexperience, and that's not for me. On the other hand, if he grabs the right key, rams it in the lock and flings open the door, that's too rough and that's also not for me."" Coyly with a playful grin she asks, ""So... how do you open the lock?"" The man thinks for a minute, then he gets on his knees and licks the lock." +13325,3,"A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet... The first caller get's through, ""Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"" ""Goan!"" ""Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"" ""Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!"" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call. After several more calls they get another man, ""And what's your word sir?"" ""Smee!"" ""Can you use it in a sentence?"" ""Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!""" +13326,0,Why should you never betray a necrophiliac rapist? Because then you're dead to him +13327,1,What happens when you drop a coin in water? It becomes a sunk cost. +13328,0,"What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil? *thick Italian accent* ""She don't even touch it.""" +13329,5,Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? The box said 2-4 years! +13330,0,"It was her birthday and she asked me to take her out for dinner I said ""I don't go out with married women"" to which she responded ""But I'm your wife"" I'm a man of no exceptions." +13331,0,There was always that one kid who had a Ti-86 or a Ti-89.... There was always that one kid who had a Ti-86 or a Ti-89 or an Ak-47 +13332,2,Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people? He had a wrecked isle diss function. +13333,0,Do you want to catch a Squirrel? Just climb a tree and act like a nut. +13334,0,I gave my sister a blender and a can of peas for christmas Whirled peas +13335,0,Using rulers for target practice has really set me back in life. I'm tired of shooting myself in the foot. +13336,2,I like my women like I like my coffee. Given away for free at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. +13337,1,"I'm white and I don't tell racist jokes because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people." +13338,1,Reddit and it was so much better than the movie. +13339,1,"My therapist: do you think you’re a negative person? Me: no, not negative, no." +13340,0,What kind of TB do potatoes get? *Tuber*culosis. +13341,4,What is an Alzheimer patient's favorite musical group? The Who? +13342,0,What first-world problem is often caused by third-world countries? Filling your passport before it expires. +13343,6,"A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate. The question arises: What separates man from the animals? ""Technology,"" says the German. ""Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."" ""I disagree,"" announces the Italian. ""It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."" ""I say it's art,"" decides the Frenchman. ""No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."" All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering. ""The Channel.""" +13344,0,What's the best thing Freddie Mercury ever released? AIDS +13345,1,Bono has released a protest song against Google I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For +13346,0,"A farmer needs help with his new cow pen. He has had a rough year and wants to save as much as he can. So he calls up his three friends, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician. He asks them for the way to use the least amount of fencing to make the largest enclosure. The engineer goes ""Set it up in a circle"", but the farmer replies that it would be difficult and would waste space around the circle. The physicist says "" Theoretically, if you set it up in a straight line, and let it encircle the globe, it would give you the most area for the least amount of fencing"", to which the farmer just replied ""That's just dumb"". Finally, the mathematician chimes in, saying ""You're all wrong"" pulls out a small section of fencing and puts it around him, and exclaims ""I declare the area I'm standing in to be the outside""." +13347,0,"What did the judge say to the repeat sex offender at his arraignment? [Damn, Daniel - back at it again with the white van.](http://therealcape.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/white-van-png.jpg) " +13348,0,"Apple! Apple! John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare was walking down the street one day when he saw a disheveled man sitting outside of a store. The look on the man's face was the look of someone who has given up on life in despair, and John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare felt compelled to help him out. ​ ""Why so glum, chum?"" John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare asked as he approached the morose figure. ​ The man's voice was faint and lifeless as he mumbled out a reply. ""...apple...apple..."" ​ Now, John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare had gone on a bit of a health kick, trying to lose a few pounds, and so he happened to have an apple tucked away in his bag for a snack. However, this poor, dejected fellow obviously needed it more than he, so John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare reached in and pulled out the shiny red fruit, before offering it out to the man. ""Here you go, my friend."" ​ The man stared down at the offering, before slowly shaking his head. He reached out, bypassing the outstretched hand to latch onto John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare's shirt, taking hold and lifting a haunted gaze up to meet John Richard Cornelius O'Malley O'Hare's own curious eyes. ""Apple... when the door said to push!""" +13349,1,My wife says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a relationship. I still wish she didn't have one at all. Credit~ Commented by DCarrier +13350,2,Why don't blondes smoke meth? They don't know what ampheta means... +13351,0,My dad called me a renegger one day... I was taken aback! +13352,0,"How did Warren Buffets company survive the economic meltdown? It's a trade secret, but don't worry, Berkshire Hathaway" +13353,0,Whats a United Airlines staff favourite tune? Beat it - Michael Jackson +13354,0,Happy Birthday Jesus Christ May Allah give what you wish for. +13355,1,How do ticks get around? They Itch Hike +13356,3,"I want to make a Toy Story parody porno. I'll name it ""You've Got a Friend In Me""" +13357,3,What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto +13358,0,"A reporter is unhappy with his life all the other big shot reporters are always getting the big stories before he can touch them, so he decides to jump off a bridge. Other people join him, teachers who hate kids, trapeze artist scared of heights, etc. they decide to jump at the same time, on the count of three. the reporter counts down 'three, two, one."" everyone else jumps but him. he runs back to his job and yells. ""BOSS! BIGGEST SCOOP! 12 PEOPLE JUMP TO THEIR DEATH OFF A BRIDGE!""" +13359,1,How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them +13360,2,My girlfriend is like a star. Far away and dying. +13361,0,I have an easy 3 step program on how to pick up petite blonde chicks. Step 1. Go to a farm. Step 2. Go to the chicken coop. Step 3. Find a baby chicken and pick it up. +13362,0,Open message to Zarna Joshi Go fund yourself. (not many will get this) +13363,0,"Why did the snail cross the road ? It is not clear yet , let it cross the road first. Update : It has been confirmed that it was to meet the Chicken who crossed the road earlier." +13364,4,"A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship “Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.” The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My ancestors believed that all this violence is locked up behind the fah-khab; the gate of wisdom. Well what happens when a man’s fah-khab breaks open? I think you know the answer. But don’t worry, I have a very strong potion that will protect you. Be warned though, it is also poisonous. Whatever you do, don’t swallow it. Just take a sip and keep it in your mouth. It will be safe until your husband goes to bed, then you can spit it out.” And so he opens a drawer, gives her a little brown bottle and with another warning about never swallowing the potion, he sends her on her way. The next day she comes back: “I can’t believe it. I tried the potion yesterday and my husband came home, gave me a kiss, made dinner, cleaned up afterwards and then poured a bath for me. I’ve never seen him so gentle and loving. You have to tell me how the potion works!” To this the healer replied: “It just helps you shut the fah-khab”." +13365,2,"Woman: I am woman, hear me roar. Man: I am man, watch me pee outside." +13366,1,"A man is getting into the shower..... A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ""I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ""Who was that?"" ""It was Bob the next door neighbor,"" she replies. ""Great,"" the husband says, ""did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?""" +13367,1,"A man is lost in the forest and stumbles upon a hotel. Tired, lost and hungry; a John has been wandering through the woods for what has felt like days. He stumbles upon a strange house and feels a deep sense of relief as he notices a light is on. He knocks and a peculiar looking old man opens the door. ""Please. Please. I am lost and hungry, do you perhaps have a phone and some food for me?"" John desperately begs. ""I am afraid not"" replies the well dressed man ""for you see this is top class establishment. People come here for the isolation, so we have no phones, no modern technology and our food is of the highest quality; not to be simply given away. However, I could consider offering you a room and food for the night if you complete me 3 challenges - completion of them shall be considered payment for your stay. In the morning you can leave. Either way I can still point you in the right direction to get home but I must warn you it will be a days hike."" John, too desperate to turn down the offer asks ""What are the challenges?"" ""The challenges are as follows: 1) You must drink this bottle of tequila, in under one minute, for no challenge can be complete without drinking."" ""OK"" ""2) a guest of mine has brought their pet, an alligator. It is being stored downstairs but requires dental work. You will go down there and remove its bad tooth using these pliers. Do not worry, it is a small alligator, you should be able to overpower it easily. You will have 5 minutes to complete this challenge."" ""That sounds dangerous but preferable to starvation, OK"" "" 3) upstairs, one of our older guests has requested someone to lay with. You will be the one to lay with her. You must go upstairs and give her the best orgasm she has ever had. For this challenge you have 20 minutes."" ""I can think of worse things to do, I accept your challenge"" John is invited in and instructed to the location of each challenge. He picks up the tequila and prepares himself. The timer is started. John downs the bottle, painfully slugging it down. he finishes it with mere seconds to spare. The effects already kicking in powerfully. He runs downstairs, stumbling as he goes, his fatigue is already showing. He closes the door behind him and a struggle is heard. The noises from downstairs are quite alarming but the hotel owner stands by the clock counting the minutes. Nashing and Growling and screaming are all heard, thrashing around and scratching. Triumphantly, John emerges from the room, clothes ripped, battered and bruised. He stumbles up the stairs confused, looks to the hotel owner and drunkenly asks him: ""So....hhrrr..... where is the *hic* alligator with the bad tooth?"" " +13368,0,I asked a swordsman to teach me the basics... He said he'd run me through. +13369,2,I'm Starting a Fundraiser to Help Restore Sight to Seniors with Degenerative Eye Problems. Please Upvote for visibility. +13370,1,Why do you trim your Christmas tree before you put it up? To make sure it’s presentable. +13371,0,What do romantic fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening. +13372,1,"Twist at the end (NSFW) A guy visits a strange town on a business trip and is very horny. He decides to ask his cab driver where he can find a prostitute so his cabbie drives him to what he calls the ""best hooker in town"". The guys goes up the the hooker and asks, ""How much for a hand job?"" The hooker replies, ""$1000."" The guy says, ""That is crazy! There is no way a hand job can be worth $1000."" But the hooker says, ""See that motorcycle over there? I paid for it with my hand jobs"". The guy thinks about that and decides to try it, and sure enough, it ends up being worth every penny. The next night the guys is even hornier so he goes back to the same hooker. He asks, ""How much for a blow job?"" The hooker replies, ""$3000."" The guy can't believe it, ""No way, no blow job can be worth $3000."" The hooker says, ""see that BMW over there? I paid for it with my blow jobs"". The guys thinks a bit, knows how good the hand job was, and decides to do it. And, sure enough, it was worth every penny. His last night in town, the guy is the most horny he can possibly be. He finds the same hooker and asks, ""How much for some pussy?"" The hooker replies, ""See the beautiful house on the beach over there? If I had a pussy, I would own it""." +13373,1,Why isn’t anyone in France suspicious? The can only raise white flags +13374,3,How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers +13375,2,Disabled people are the worst at improv They can make up a story but can't run with it +13376,0,"John: Hey Bob, Bill was fired today Bob: Oh really." +13377,0,What do you call an old Spanish car? FeO +13378,4,Why can’t trump be hanged? Fake noose +13379,3,You guys hear about that new broom that came out? It's sweeping the nation! +13380,0,How did I get from Iraq to Afghanistan so quickly? Because Iran +13381,0,"Do you have any ties to Russia? Congress: Senator Sessions, do you now or have you ever had any ties to Russia? Jeff Sessions: Nyet! " +13382,0,"The escalators at the mall suddenly began working super quickly, causing several people to fall over and brutally die. That escalated quickly." +13383,4,"I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.. I was about to pay for it when I heard 2 girls laughing at me. I looked at them straight in the eye and said, ""Make that 52."" Now both of them have condom balloons :D" +13384,1,"What do gay horses eat? I'm not sure, but they can suck a mean dick." +13385,2,"The U.S Election is Kind of Like an Attractive Bisexual Because whether they go with a man or a woman, you know they're fucked." +13386,1,"I like my whisky like I like my women Left in an oak barrel for at least 3 years, with very little oxygen." +13387,3,"If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man... ...my super power would be foiling crime." +13388,1,Do you know why birds sing in the morning? Because they don’t have to go to work! +13389,1,"Sometimes when you eat too much carrot, you turn orange and you run for presidency. " +13390,3,Call me a hairdresser Because i wanna fucking dye +13391,1,"An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth... The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he has never done this before. So he visits totems from the past that have pleased the Chiefs. He sees a simple one and thinks, I can’t go wrong with this, after all, no one has seen it lately. He uses the ancient totem as a guide to carving his own. The end result ends up looking far better than the model and he cannot wait to go before the Chief and show him his creation. The viewing ceremony begins. The elder tells the boy, you must kneel before the Chief while he inspects your totem. If he likes it, you must stand up and he will bestow you with a silver necklace which he will place around your neck. If he is not impressed, you must lie face down with your head in the dirt until every guest has walked away. The boy kneels before the Chief as the Chief makes a careful inspection of the totem. Then the Chief stands before the boy and places his hand on the boy’s shoulder. In a stern authoritative voice the Chief says, “You get down Arrow. Just because you improved the punchline, doesn’t mean this isn’t a repost.”" +13392,1,"Did you hear about the new roofing company in town that only hires women? It's called ""All the shingle ladies""" +13393,4,"What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak." +13394,1,That actress called Reese got stabbed the other day. I just can't remember her surname. Witherspoon? No with a knife. +13395,4,"A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks ""how much is that one?"" The jeweler says ""Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price""" +13396,7,"My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer. Edit: I love my girlfriend." +13397,1,I had a vision about next year... It was pretty clear +13398,1,"The last time I made a hasty judgment call that was wrong, I hit my head. That’s the last time I jump to contusions." +13399,0,"I got this really good lifeprotip while in the shower, but I forgot it when I dropped the soap. Ah, now I remember what it was. Never pick up the soap when showering in a prison. " +13400,4,"A friend asked me if I could have any superpower, what would it be. I answered Cold War Russia" +13401,2,What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't masterbate? A liar. +13402,1,My teacher told me that I needed to turn in my essay... I told her I ain’t no snitch! +13403,4,"He's gonna get it A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. “What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer. “I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk. “And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?” “My wife.” " +13404,0,Why was the Mexican made captain of the basketball team? He had the most señority. +13405,2,How many tickles... How many tickles before a squid starts to laugh? Ten tickles +13406,3,"A woman had twin boys Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption. She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them. Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain. Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her. She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain! Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt. Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year. She still got to see her son from Spain, though. So her husband tried to console her, saying ""Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.""" +13407,2,What's the similarity between chess and the world? White has an advantage. +13408,3,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette... ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'" +13409,2,"Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer? Dad: ""have you heard about the pressure washer?"" Daughter: ""no."" Dad: *rolls eyes* ""pshhhhhhhhhhhhh.""" +13410,2,"3 little kids, Leafy, Rainy and Bricky. They were asking their mother about their names. Leafy asked: — Mama, why is my name Leafy? The Mother answered: — Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head Then Rainy asked: — Mama, why is my name Rainy? — Because when your were born, the water from the rain fell on your head Then Bricky Asked: SANMAM,,, EHYWY DISIIS HJHHTMHMGM AMENMA BFIJCKCY¿" +13411,1,"I can still remember the last words my father said to me when he walked out... ""I'm going to look for my 10mm socket""" +13412,1,"[OC] My poor friend Dave got 3 wishes from a Genie today. He always wanted loads of money, but instead he spoke to the Genie and said, ""I wish for people to be uncertain. Secondly, I also wish to change my name."" I haven't seen him in a while but I think he's Rich now. " +13413,0,"A bartender walks into a bar The bartender says to the bartender “Welcome to my bar fellow bartender, what can I get you? Some bar food perhaps?” To which the bartender replied “I’ll have a steak bar the barbecue sauce.” Said the bartender The bartender, a little offended that the bartender barred the barbecue sauce said “Our barbecue sauce is the best in world bar none. We import our barbecue from Barcelona.” Impressed with the bartenders exotic barbecue he agreed to the use of the sauce. The bartender served the bartender his steak with barbecue from Barcelona and all was well. Then, the bartender full from barbecue, barfed all over the bar. “Was there barley in that barbecue from Barcelona?! I’m allergic to barley!” “Well of course there was! Barbecue from Barcelona always has barley!” Furious, the bartender who was covered in barf barked “You’re in trouble now! You’re going to be behind bars after I release a carefully plotted graph representing the opinions of your bar!” “Let me guess! A BAR GRAPH?!?!” “No, a poll.”" +13414,2,What kind of phones to turtles use? Shell-ular phones +13415,0,"There are a lot of advantages white people have over black people. But there's one advantage gay blacks have over white ones. When a gay black comes out, they only have to deal with one parent." +13416,1,"Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair. When questioned by the press, the owner said, ""When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!""" +13417,2,"Three kids needed to cross over a deep valley to get back home, but the bridge they had used was now completely broken. Taking notice to the kids' troubling situation, a magical being appeared with an offer: ""You will be transformed into the next word you speak."" Very confused, the first kid said, ""Bird?"". To his astonishment, he transformed into a beautiful bird and flew across the river. ""Butterfly!"", shouted the second kid, excited to take flight. Sure enough, he turned into a colorful butterfly and proceeded to flutter across the river. Taking a step back, mesmerised by his friends' new appearances, the third kid tripped over a large rock. ""Shit!""" +13418,2,What do you call the guy you buy coffee from in Antartica? The brrrrrrista. +13419,0,"Wanna hear a joke about my dick? ""No man, I don't have any time for this."" ""It's a small one.""" +13420,1,What do you call a girl that has one leg taller than the other ??? Ilean +13421,0,I didn't get a B- in my programming class... ...I got a C++. +13422,2,"A class of engineering students were given free plane tickets to go on vacation Once they were on the plane, the pilot announced that they were on the plane the students had built. The whole class freaked out and rushed off of the plane, except for the professor who calmly stayed in his seat. When the flight attendant asked why he was so calm he replied, ""I know the ability of my students very well. This shit won't even start.""" +13423,1,"I'm afraid my ceiling fan is going to fall down on me. Yeah, it's really been hanging over my head lately. " +13424,4,Why don't Jews eat pussy? Because its too close to the gas chamber! +13425,2,"A window pops out of a skyscraper and falls on a guy, completely slicing off the entire left side of his body. He's alright now." +13426,0,"Girl, do you speak Latin? Because I want to Carpe feel and stick my Diem between your ass cheeks." +13427,0,Young women.. Young women make alot of noice in the bedroom.... I guess they don't expect to see anyone in their window... +13428,0,Don’t drink and drive You’ll risk spilling your beer. +13429,5,"The Blind Man A woman is in a bath and a man knocks in her door, the woman screams out 'Who is it?' and the man goes 'The Blind Man Ma'am!' The woman figures he's blind and welcomes him inside. The man walks into a bathroom and says 'Nice tits! Now what window needed blinds?' My mother told me this joke, been a fun memory and thought I should share ;P" +13430,0,What does Gregor Samsa take when he has a sore throat? A Kafka drop. +13431,1,How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as a choir boy. +13432,1,Why is the eel considered the most romantic animal? Because its a moray. +13433,5,What is Hitler's favorite type of food? Not Seafood +13434,2,When two rednecks divorce Do they still remain family? +13435,0,"An Australian, an American and a Chink are on a plane, arguing about who has the best country. The American says: “We’ve got 50 stars on our flag. We’re *obviously* the best country in the world.” The Chinese guy says: “We’ve got the Great Wall. We didn’t even need to get Mexico to pay for it, so we’re obviously better.” The Australian is not impressed, and says: “The kangaroo can jump over your stupid fucking wall, land on the other side, fart in your general direction and wipe its arse on your flag.”" +13436,1,The hipster burnt her tongue she sipped her coffee before it was cool ​ *By: my lovely sister :D* +13437,1,What is Michael Jackson’s preferred pronoun? Hee hee +13438,0,"Little Johnny and The Babysitter. Olga,the babysitter was having a tough time to control the naughty Little Johnny and she was finally relieved when he was ready to sleep as she wanted to study for her college majors. After tucking him in Little Johnny asks "" can you please sleep with me till I get sleep ?"". His babysitter replies ""NO"" Johnny moans and says ""But my mummy lets me"". ""OK then"" the babysitter replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks ""can I please play with your belly button with my finger"". She again says ""NO"". ""But my mummy lets me"" says Johnny again. ""Well I suppose it's OK"" replies the babysitter. Things are silent for a few minutes until the babysitter leaps up screaming ""THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"" Little Johnny replies ""It aint my finger either"". " +13439,3,I used to cry during sex but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore. +13440,0,Someone call FedEx Because I just dropped off a shitment in the bathroom. +13441,3,What's the difference between a futon and a photon? One is kinda heavy and the other's really light. +13442,3,What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel? Beat it. We’re closed. +13443,3,What do you call a recently created sub-atomic particle? New-tron. +13444,2,"A young Catholic girl goes to confession and says ""Forgive me Father for I have sinned"" The Priests asks"" In what way have you sinned my child""? ""I am pregnant father, and I think it must be the second coming"" The girl replies. The Priests is puzzled by her remark and says "" My child, what makes you think that it has anything to do with the second coming""? The young girl replies "" Because I swallowed the first one""" +13445,0,"What's the difference between... Son: what's the difference between a piano, fish, and a bucket of glue? Dad: I'm not sure Son: You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish Dad: What about the bucket if glue? Son: I knew you'd get stuck on that one!" +13446,2,"There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and, Kim Jong Un's giant ass. cmon guys I cant do this all by myself." +13447,0,Who killed the Beothuk? Shawna-dithit +13448,2,What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? *Beef-strokin-off* +13449,2,"A phone gets thrown into a jail cell His cell mate looks at him and asks ""what are you being charged with?"" The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies ""Battery"" " +13450,0,How alcoholic is a drink that's guaranteed to get you drunk? Fool proof! +13451,1,"Imagine having breast implants made of wood... ...yeah, that would really hurt, wooden tit?" +13452,2,I heard that Battlefront II removed microtransactions. I guess you can say the game is Crystal clear. +13453,2,Did I ever tell you about my skinny friend who went to Alaska? He came back a husky fucker. +13454,3,What do ghosts get arrested for? Possession. +13455,2,Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They each got six months! +13456,3,What kind of metal was the Titanic made out of? Zinc +13457,2,"A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear: ""You hittin' that?""" +13458,0,"What did the guy say when he found out that his wife's breast s had implants? ""THOSE ARE SILLY CONES""" +13459,0,"Knock Knock Who is there? Knock Knock Who is there? Knock Knock OK SERIOUSLY WHO IS THERE IM GONNA CALL THE COPS IF YOU DONT OPEN THE DOOR -Silence- OKAY WHO IS THERE? Knock Knock AHHHHHH IM GONNA GRAB A KITCHEN KNIFE NOW. OK ITS IN MY HAND. IM GONNA OPEN THIS DOOR AND STAB YOU TO DEATH, OKAY? Knock Knock HOLY SHIT THERE IS NOONE IN FRONT OF THE DOOR, THE DOOR IS KNOCKING ITSELF WHAT THE FUCK WHO IS DOING THIS Knock Knock AHHHH IM GONNA CALL THE COPS Knock Knock OH GOD PLEASE STOP YES HELLO COPS OH GOD PLEASE COME THERES A CRAZY KNOCK KNOCK GUY OVER HERE WHAT NO I DONT TAKE PILLS OH FUCK THEY HUNG UP ON ME OH SHIT Knock Knock AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Knock Knock MAKE IT STOP Knock Knock PLEA..PLEASE.... Knock Knock Oh... go... god... urghghh.... Knock Knock Im.... dying... Knock Knock ... Knock Knock ... Knock Knock" +13460,1,If you get a priest to bless vodka and drink it... Are you filled with the Holy Spirit? +13461,1,"Two cannibals are eating a clown for dinner when one stops and asks the other ""does this taste funny to you?"" The other replies ""No but I do think it was a nice Jester that you cooked tonight.""" +13462,0,How do Canadians spell their home country? C-eh-N-eh-D-eh +13463,0,"Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon [hope you can decrypt it]" +13464,0,Why do bald men stand around with their hands in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair. +13465,0,"Two Jewish men are talking. Shlomo: Oh Haim, you wouldn’t believe it. Last night, the wife and I were about to have sex, and I prematurely ejaculated. How embarrassing! Haim: Oh no, what happened? Shlomo: She comes home after shopping and says she got new lingerie. She says I should sit right there and she will model it for me. Haim: Oh boy! Shlomo: So she puts it on and comes back into the room. She starts to do a sexy dance while slowly removing her new bought lingerie. Haim: It must have been something. Shlomo: Oh yeah. I was getting quite aroused. She finally removed her lingerie off completely and threw it at me while standing there completely naked. That’s when I climaxed, I just couldn’t hold it. Haim: Whow, your wife must have a smoking body! Shlomo: Nah, it wasn’t her body. Haim: Well, I guess her dancing is super sexy! Shlomo: Nah, wasn’t that either. Haim: So what was it? Shlomo: The tag said 50% off." +13466,1,"A man is walking home one night when he rounds a corner to find a young woman fingering her a man in the butt... ""Uh, what are you doing?"" the man asked her. She turned and looked at him with frustration in her eyes. ""This is my boyfriend. We went out drinking together tonight and it was supposed to be *his* turn to drive. Well, he drank too much so now I'm trying to induce vomiting."" The man is puzzled and replies, ""That won't make him throw up."" She replied, ""It will when I stick my finger down his throat.""" +13467,0,What's black and white and red all over? Nuns in a chainsaw fight. +13468,1,What's the only bank the jews don't control? The west one +13469,2,"If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?" +13470,1,What is the scariest phrase to read in Braille? Do no touch +13471,0,Why did DJ Esco send his burger back? Because it had too much sauce. +13472,2,When gf and I are both sick Netflix and ill +13473,0,"A dad walks in on his son having sex Son: Oh shit! Dad, I'm fucking sorry *Dad looks over at the girl, exhausted from all the reposts* Dad: I can see that, but what's she doing here again? " +13474,0,Michael J. Fox is rumoured to be the next James bond... He'll shake his own martinis and he's got a license to spill. +13475,0,I hate Mexican chefs All they taco bout is food +13476,0,What’s Tonya Harding’s favorite letter of the alphabet? WHY +13477,7,"An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ""hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"" The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, ""before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ""No...not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times.""" +13478,4,I like my women like I like my coffee. Drunk. +13479,2,"I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex. She decided to sleep on it...at my place." +13480,4,"ISIS Warrior, Frog, Doctor An ISIS Warrior walks into his Doctor's office with a Frog sitting on his head. ""What seems to be the problem?"" the doctor asks. ""Well as you might have seen, there's a really big tumor on my ass."" replied the frog." +13481,2,"My workplace scheduled Sexual Harassment Training. Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed." +13482,2,"A seven-year-old tells his four-year-old brother that they should start swearing. ""When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"" The four-year-old happily agrees. At breakfast, the seven-year-old says, ""Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some toast."" The surprised mother quickly smacks him. The boy runs upstairs crying. The mother turns to the younger boy, ""And what would YOU like for breakfast?"" ""I don't know,"" the four-year-old blubbers, ""but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be toast!"" " +13483,2,"A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. ""I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am"". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11... Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: ""It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!""" +13484,1,"A man goes to his doctor. He is getting the results of some tests he had so e last week. The nurse shows him to the exam room. ""Sit on the table, and the doctor will be in."". He sits down and she leaves. A few minutes go by and the doctor comes in. The doctor is looking at the man's file. He tells the man, ""I have have bad news."" ""Ok, doc. I can handle it,"" he says. ""You have cancer."" ""Cancer! Oh, my God. That's horrible! Is that all the results say?"" ""You also have Alzheimer's disease."" ""Alzheimer's disease! That's horrible!"" the man says. The man thinks for a moment and says, ""Well, at least I don't have cancer!""" +13485,0,What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snow Balls +13486,2,"Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which is why several of us died from tuberculosis." +13487,0,Research mention that 1 out of 10 people is a drug user I'm too stoned to tell who uses it +13488,1,"There were two pretzels walking down the street... one was a plain, the other was a salted." +13489,2,"A child asks his father about the origins of surnames. 'Well Johnny, you see that surnames originate from the professions. For example, Margaret Thatcher's surname shows that she has the origins of a roof thatcher,' says the father. 'Oh do you have any other names that you could tell me?' pleads little Johnny. 'Well of course there are the Turnbulls, who must've been farmers back in the day,' replies the father. 'What about the Dickinsons?'" +13490,2,What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire? Cocksucker! +13491,2,I got kicked out of the library They booted me out because I moved all of the books on trickle-down economics to the fiction section +13492,2,"An American politician invites an Indian minister too his home The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. ""Beautiful isn't it?"" He asks the minister. ""Hmm, Yes it is"" ""Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"" the AP points in a direction ""You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, ""Where did you get the money to buy it from?"" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says ""You see that bridge over there?"" The AP replies ""What bridge?"" " +13493,2,Interviewer: Tell me something about yourself Me: I'm a man of few words +13494,7,"A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”" +13495,1,My girlfriend asked me if I'm ever going to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybeeeeee +13496,2,"Ah, self deprication, I know it well. Defecation*, my bad." +13497,0,A brit went to the doctor for issues in his arteries They gave him an anglogram +13498,1,"A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her Teen titans was a great show" +13499,0,What do you call Joaquin Phoenix being chased by a dog? Running Phoenix +13500,0,If Lil' Kim was Asian Her rap name would be Lil' Kimchi +13501,4,Music is the universal language But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese. +13502,3,Why don’t blind people sky dive? I scares the $hit out of the dog. +13503,3,I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats Guess I gotta quit cold turkey +13504,0,How many biblical figures does it take to get Donald Trump elected president? Two Corinthians. +13505,0,My girlfriend and I are looking for an apartment... ...and one of the complexes has a policy of “no animals allowed” and she looked at me and says “well looks like you can’t live here”. I don’t have a girlfriend. +13506,0,What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train +13507,7,"An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars. Old lady: ""I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"" Bank assistant:, ""That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"" Old lady: ""I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."" Bank assistant: ""Well considering that it is a million dollars you are probably right."" The bank assistant calls for the director, and after explaining the situation the bank director arrives. Bank director: ""So my assistant tells me you want to deposit one million dollars. May I ask how you came in possession of one million dollars?"" Old lady: ""Naturally. I earned them by betting. I actually make a living from betting!"" Bank director: ""I find that hard to believe. Want kind of betting do you do?"" Old lady: ""All sorts of betting. As an example I'll bet you 25,000$ that your balls are squared."" Bank director: ""Umm... I don't... Umm.. Well. Under normal circumstances I don't bet but this seems so absurd that I'll agree."" So the bank director and the old lady shake hand and the director asks how and when this bet should be settled. Old lady: ""Well considering that this is a bet of 25,000$ I'd like my lawyer to be present and when I do the inspection. So how about we meet with my lawyer tomorrow morning?"" The bank director agrees to this, happy to have earned 25,000$ this easy. Next morning he walks into the office of the locally well respected lawyer and greets the old lady. Not wanting to waste his time, he unbuttons his pants, pulls down his underwear and as the old lady lifts his balls up for inspection he notices the lawyer banging his head against the wall repeatedly. Quite startled the bank director looks at the old lady and asks Bank director: ""What is going on with your lawyer?!"" Old lady(grinning) : ""Oh well. Yesterday I bet him a million dollars that within 24 hours I would be holding the balls of the managing bank director in my very hand..."" " +13508,0,Paris Hilton is releasing her own stamp... ...it licks itself. I'd pay 50 cents to see that! +13509,7,"A Man Sits Next to a Girl on a Plane A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, ""Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."" The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, ""What would you like to talk about?"" ""Oh, I don't know,"" said the guy. ""How about nuclear power?"" ""OK,"" she said. ""That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"" The guy thought about it and said, ""Hmmm, I have no idea."" To which the girl replied, ""Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?""" +13510,2,Did you hear about the demon that got arrested? He was charged with possession. +13511,0,"In a Signals class, a puzzled student walks up to the professor [Long] In a Signals and Systems class, a puzzled student walks up to the professor and says, ""Professor? I understand the initial steps to this problem, and at this point I clearly have to do a Z transform to obtain the answer. However, my Z transforms have always been a little shaky. Would you be willing to show me?"" The professor states, ""Of course, of course! To do a Z transform you must first understand how to do a Y transform!"" The student's hopes for a quick explanation starts to sink. ""Ok professor, but how do you perform a Y transform?"" The professor exclaims, ""Ah, my boy, not so fast! Before you can complete a Y transform, you must understand the intricacies of an X transform!"" The professor and the student continue this back and forth going through all the transforms from Z to B. With all hope of quick solution gone, the fatigued student begs, ""Professor, please, for the love of God, tell me how to do a B transform so that I may perform the other transforms to complete this problem and go home."" ""Ok, Ok, my boy,"" the professor calmly replies, ""However, it seems that during this long discussion I have forgotten the last step, but have no fear! For I am certain there is a transform out there that will solve your problem.""" +13512,1,Never bring Mark Ruffalo into the dairy Aisle He'll spoil everything +13513,1,"I arrived at the annual premature ejaculation society. They said, “Your early sir”? I replied, “I know, I came on the bus”" +13514,1,Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender! +13515,1,"When Silentó grows old, what will he be saying a lot to his senior assistant? Ooh wash me, wash me Ooh wash me, wash me" +13516,0,In the title Where shouldn't a punchline be? +13517,0,"A busty young school girl walks into the classroom at lunch hour... ""Heya, Mr. Teacher, sir! Ya got a smoke?"" ""Of course not, Jenny!"" the teacher replies. ""You wanna get me in trouble?"" ""Sure. If you want. But can I get a cigarette after?""" +13518,0,"A Lorry carrying 1,000 Tortoises crashed into a Lorry carrying 1,000 Terrapins... It was a turtle disaster." +13519,3,If chickens took over a country's armed forces Would it be a chicken coup? +13520,5,What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis. +13521,2,What does a Catholic priest have in common with Beethoven's Fur Elise? They both finish in A minor +13522,3,Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached? Because he is in-a-cent. +13523,0,I take my hat off to people with alopecia. Because they need it more than me. +13524,1,I had my dog chipped yesterday. He's not really much faster. +13525,1,"humour and beverage There was this Irishman who saw an advertising sign that said ""Drink Canada Dry"" so he went" +13526,1,I recently met a girl who's really into strangulation. She takes my breath away. +13527,0,What’s the one thing Superman can’t do? Jump with his horse. +13528,4,Drummers always have such lame jokes... I've heard them all like a Zildjian times. +13529,2,My wife got angry at me because I didn’t hold the door open for her ....Well I was trying to swim to the surface +13530,1,What did the Nazi say they sneezed? A-jew! +13531,2,[NSFW] What would a protagonist of a Teletubbies porn parody be called? Thiccy Diccy +13532,3,Women are like newspaper articles... They have a new issue every freaking day +13533,4,"A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room. During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night. The man responded, ""No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going to the bathroom, the fairy or something turns the light off for me. It's really wonderful!"" The doctor looked concerned and scribbled some notes about this and continued on with the checkup. After the checkup, the doctor went out to the waiting room where one of the man's family members asked him how the check up went. The doctor responded, ""Well Ma'am, his checkup went okay. Physically, he's as healthy as can be for a 90 year old. But mentally, I'm worried he's coming down with dementia or something."" The lady, with a concerned look on her face asks, ""Why do you say that?"" The doctor responded and said, ""Well, during the checkup, he told me that when he goes to the restroom at night, a fairy or something turns on the light when he opens the door and that same fairy or something turns off the light for him when he finishes. I'm just a little concered about his mental health."" The lady with a horrified look turns to the rest of the family and says, ""Oh no, Grand-papa's been pissing in the refrigerator again!""" +13534,1,My girlfriend didn't notice my spaghetti car... ...and I drove right pasta! +13535,0,"When I was in college, I knew a girl named America She was a groupie for the anarchist club. They all wanted to fuck her for some reason " +13536,0,How do you tell the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant? One is an elephant and the other isn't. +13537,3,How are women like swimming pools? They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside. Edit: too many words +13538,1,Yo mamma is sooo nice I have too say it twice. She's nice. Not original. +13539,0,"If you're behind someone at a cash machine, let them know you're not a threat... ...by gently kissing their neck. " +13540,3,What do Kermit the Frog and Atilla the Hun have in common? They both have the same middle name. +13541,2,"If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO: CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'....... ......" +13542,7,How does a red-headed man reach orgasm? Alone. +13543,1,"A couple of hens were discussing the days events... ... One of the hens is flustered and worried, so she tells the other hen, ""I think one of us is gonna get it! I heard Farmer Brown tell Neighbour Jones that he was gonna stay home and choke the chicken tonight!""" +13544,0,"A man is patiently waiting for lab results in an exam room. The doctor enters cheery and off. Doctor: Mr. Brando! We have your lab results back! Brando: Thank you doctor, what’s the news? Doctor: What you have is rare. Brando: How rare? Doctor: Pick a name." +13545,2,"A Germ walks into a bar The bartender notices and says,”Hey your a germ! Your not allowed in here!” . “But I work here,” says the germ,” I’m staph.”" +13546,0,United are doing things in their own special way They are so off the beaten path +13547,3,"A family is at the dinner table. A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”" +13548,0,"Why did Germans in Nazi Germany say ""Heil Hitler""? Because they were secretly saying ""Heil Wichser!""" +13549,0,Have you guys heard about the accident at the gummy bear factory? Sources say it was Haribo +13550,4,What has a ring but no fingers? The former owner of a Note 7 +13551,1,What do you get when you cross a dog with an amplifier? A subwoofer. +13552,2,"Two goldfish are alone in a tank, One says to the other one, ""have any idea how to drive this thing?""" +13553,2,"2 blondes were driving to Disneyland... They see the sign, ""Disneyland left."" So they turned around and went home." +13554,1,"I heard a man talking in a Scottish pub... He was saying ""Ya noo, I fathered seven children from these loins, raised 'em meself, but do they call me Seamus the Father? No!"" He took a long swig and continued. ""That bridge on the edge of town? Built it meself, with me own two hands! But do they call me Seamus the Bridger? No!"" The bartender half-listening, polishing a glass while eyeing the patrons. He sees me sit down and starts making his way over. ""That garden across the street! I planted it meself, with me own two hands!"" Do they call me Seamus the Gardner! NO!"" The bartender makes it to me. Setting down the glass, he pours me a pint. ""This bar itself! I built it, with me own two hands! But do they call me Seamus the Mason? NO!"" Seamus simmers down, seeing that no one is listening. They've all heard it before. He stares into his beer before quietly muttering, ""And this. Crafted this beer meself, with me own two hands... Do they call me Seamus the Brewer? No."" ""But ya fuck *one* goat...""" +13555,1,"A bear walks into a bar... and he says to the bartender, “Give me a beer!” The bartender is very scared by this so he runs out of the bar to go find the owner. The bartender runs up to the owner and says, “Sir! Sir! There’s a bear in the bar and he wants a beer!” The owner asks, “Don’t we sell beer?” “Yes,” replied the bartender. The owner said to the bartender, “So give the animal a beer, but sell it to him at double the price. Bears are stupid animals. He won’t notice.” The bartender goes back to the bar and serves the bear a beer. He charges the bear double the normal price and then sits next to the bear. He starts talking to the bear and he finally says, “You know we don’t see bears in this bar very often.” “I’m not surprised,” said the bear, “ The prices here are ridiculous!”" +13556,2,What TV station is the biggest dick of a channel? The BBC +13557,5,"The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… kill her!"" The man said ""You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."" The agent said, ""Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."" The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ""I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."" The agent said, ""You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."" Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions… to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. ""This gun is loaded with blanks,"" she said. ""I had to kill him with the chair" +13558,0,"Text from Amazon Going to buy Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?" +13559,7,What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang? Crack open a cold one with the boys. +13560,1,"I asked my best friend to hang out. He respond ""Sure, I'll bring some ropes.""" +13561,4,"Jesus A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.' The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'" +13562,0,What ringtone does Skrillex use for his booty call? Bang-a-Rang +13563,0,I was almost given a parking ticket... But I refilled the meter just in the nickel of dime. +13564,5,What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing. +13565,6,"Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck. Man: I know, but she has a great personality." +13566,1,"What did Adam say to Eve on the 23rd of December? It’s Christmas Eve Eve, Eve." +13567,1,"A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says ...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off." +13568,0,"The host of a party said, ""Make yourself at home,"" so I got comfortable. Turns out English was his second language and he was ordering me to leave :(" +13569,3,My dick is like a Nicolas Cage movie Not because it’s a national treasure but because it’s gone in 60 seconds. +13570,2,I have a friend who's really into measurements. You guys really should meter. +13571,4,What is the next country after USA? USB +13572,1,Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side +13573,0,"Although it's been 77 years, nothing has changed. The Germans get buttfucked in Russia." +13574,2,Have you heard the news about the courduroy pillows? They're making headlines! +13575,0,"Why does America spell some words differently? They said ""We can do it without u, Britain.""" +13576,0,"Contrary to popular belief, bears are actually quite harmless. It's twinks you have to watch out for." +13577,9,Anal sex is a lot like Brussels sprouts If you’re forced to have it as a child you won’t enjoy it as an adult. -Daniel Tosh +13578,1,"No place like home... Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve. He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at the warmly clad figures below scurrying away with their packages and bags back to their families and loves ones, Tom realized he hadn’t spent Christmas with his parents in over 20 years. “Maybe next year” he would always tell his mom on the phone, and the years just piled up and drifted by. But not this year, Tom decided. Tom was going to go back to his small, mid-western home town for Christmas. His parents weren’t getting any younger and he decided this was finally the year he would surprise them for Christmas. Plus, it would be good to see the old town. He rushed home from the office after leaving early from work that day, bought tickets for that night for the 2 hour flight and the 1 hour bus ride, and got off the bus just as the snow was starting to fall on the quiet, tree- lined streets of the small town he had wanted so desperately to escape. Now though, he realized, this was the only place where he might actually feel comfortable and loved. As he stood outside the bus depot admiring the snowfall, a taxi pulled up and rolled its window down. “Tom, is that you?” It was Bert, his childhood friend, who now owned a chain of taxis in the area. “Bert, I can’t believe your here! Hey, can you give me a ride?” Bert replied, “For you on Christmas Eve, absolutely! I’ll never forget the way you and your parents just welcomed me and took care of me when we were kids. Climb on in.” Once Tom settled in with his luggage, Bert asked him where he wanted to go. At that moment, Tom caught a glimpse of a bright flashing light, and realized it was the sign for Ruthy’s 24- Hour Dinner where he had spent many happy hours working as a bus boy in high school. Suddenly he could taste the malts and fries of his childhood and exclaimed, “To Ruthy’s!” I’ll buy you a piece of pie!” “Fantastic!” replied Bert. They drove on over and parked right outside the main door. As Tom got out of the taxi and walked up to the door, he was flooded by memories of this wonderful place and the boisterous Ruthy herself. As Tom opened the door, he looked around, and there she was - Ruthy! A little older, but still fiery. “ Well I’ll be! Thomas, is that you? All grown up? I haven’t seen you in 20 years! Look at you in your fancy New York suit. Come over here and give your Auntie Ruthy a hug.” Ruthy squeezed the breath out of Tom, but he didn’t mind, he was just happy to see her doing so well. “Tommy, what would you like? It’s on the house. Merry Christmas.” Tom declared, “Ruthy, I couldn’t possibly take your food for free on Christmas Eve.” Ruthy gave a sigh and said, “ Tom, it’s a Christmas gift just to get to see you and remember all the good times you spent working here- we had a great staff! So what’ll it be?” Tom thought, but only for a second, as he remembered his favorite dish like it was yesterday. “I’ll take the eggs benedict and a piece of pie for Bert!” “Ahhh,” said Ruthy, “ your favorite! Coming right up!” Ruthy went into he back, and Tom and Bert chatted about memories spent in the diner and of their lives since then. They paused to look out the window and it struck Tom then how lucky he was to be in this diner, in this small town. Ruthy came out of the kitchen after about 15 minutes with a fresh piece of pie, and the eggs benedict. As she set the benedict down, Tom realized that instead of being served on a plate, Ruthy has put the benedict on a hub cap. “Ruthy,” Tom asked, giving her a puzzled look, “ why are my eggs on a hub cap?” “Tom,” Ruthy declared , “ EVERYBODY knows there is no place like chrome for the hollandaise.”" +13579,2,"When is the best time to buy a chicken? When they're going ""Cheep!""" +13580,1,"[NSFW] Give it to me! ""Give it to me! I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"" She can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the damn umbrella." +13581,1,It is hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs They always take things literally. +13582,6,"A married's man prayer Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away. You gave me youth and you took it away. You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you." +13583,3,"A Jewish kid asks his dad for $50 His dad narrows his eyes and says ""Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?""" +13584,7,"I got fired from my job at a carpet shop Apparently asking customers ""fancy a shag?"" is inappropriate ?" +13585,0,Why did the chicken get to the other side? To get killed at kfc ahahahhahahahaha +13586,1,What do you call it when you get an erection without the aid of dried grapes? A no raisin boner +13587,4,Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer? No pressure. +13588,1,"Two Texans are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness when they decide to piss into the river below. After commencing, they continue bragging: Texan 1: ""That water's cold."" Texan 2: ""Yeah. Deep too.""" +13589,3,"A monk walks into a Subway “Welcome to Subway, what can I get you?” The monk looks at the sign and says, “Make me one with everything.”" +13590,1,I love bacon. Everytime I eat it I get a lard-on. +13591,2,"I made a joke about boomerangs a few minutes ago and no one got it but, it came around and hit em." +13592,0,What did the salad say to his friends before he went home? Lettuce leaf. +13593,6,Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1 No.2 +13594,0,What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A Viola player +13595,2,"Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking." +13596,2,"Today my wife said to me, ""I can't even"". I said ""That's odd""." +13597,3,I'm starting a support group for people who think they are mortgages. The most important thing is for them to realize that they are not a loan. +13598,1,What comes after Brexit ? BREICH +13599,2,Where do Bounty Hunters go to eat? Bo Buffet +13600,0,I went to a shrink about my insomnia but I don't trust him I know he wants to S pill my guts. +13601,5,"Thanos goes to his urologist. The urologist says, ""Congrats Thanos, you now also have the kidney stone""" +13602,0,What do Hitler and a hotdog have in common? They both benefit from SA usage +13603,4,"In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, ""Would you like a drink?"" and he says, ""Yes, thank you."" She brings him the drink, and then asks, ""Would you like some headphones?"" He says, ""Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'""" +13604,1,"I love christmas lights! They remind me of my co-workers. They all hang together, half the fuckers don't work, & the others aren't too fuckin' bright." +13605,0,What do you call an alligator with a vest? An investigator. +13606,4,How do you make one disappear? Add a G to the beginning and it's gone. +13607,0,Hey I just met you Hey I just met you And this is crazy I have Alzheimer's Hey I just met you +13608,5,Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks. +13609,0,Is Google a bachelor or married? Bachelor as it still keeps searching! +13610,4,"A man goes out for cigarettes After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink. When he's just about finished a beautiful blonde enters the bar and sits down next to him. They strike up a conversation over another round of drinks and she becomes progressively friendlier as the night goes on. One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment. Back at her place they end up sharing a kiss, which escalates and leads them back to her bedroom for several hours of carnal engagement. Next thing he knows, it's 4 in the morning. Jumping out of bed he asks the blonde if she has any baby powder, and she says to check the bathroom cabinet. He finds the baby powder, dusts his hands, and races home like a bat out of hell, only to find his wife waiting for him in the driveway with a rolling pin. ""You better have one hell of an explanation!"" she screams. ""Well, you see honey,"" the man stammers, ""I went to the pub for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer. As I was about to leave this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place..."" ""Wait a minute,"" snaps his wife. ""Show me your hands,"" she said suspiciously, noticing the whiteness of his fingers. Turning on him furiously, she says, ""Don't you ever try lying to me again, you rotten bastard... you've been out BOWLING again!""" +13611,1,Why has no one ever pulled a “your mom” joke on Batman or Superman? Oh...right... +13612,1,"A priest had lost his male hen and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he queried ""Has anybody got the cock ?"" All the men stood up. No no I mean has anybody seen the cock? All the women folk stood up. No no i mean has anybody seen my cock? All the nuns stood up.!!!! " +13613,0,"What says a shark after eating a surfer? Nicely served, on a plate. " +13614,1,I used to be a pretty heavy catholic but then I started dieting +13615,3,I listen to Justin Bieber when working... White noise helps me focus. +13616,2,Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player? Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition. +13617,2,What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile +13618,0,[HIGHLY OFFENSIVE] TRANSGENDER MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE +13619,3,If you’re dyslexic this might look like shit to you +13620,1,What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer +13621,0,"They call it The ""I'm listening"". They call it The Dr. Crane. They call it... ... tossed salad and scrambled eggs." +13622,0,I got shot by a gun by 10 different people 20 times. I'm triggered. +13623,2,If most people only care about getting a bang for their buck... Do prostitutes only care about getting a buck for their bang? +13624,1,"A guy walks into a bookstore and says to a clerk: “excuse me could you tell me how to find the self-help section?” The clerk says: “well I could, but wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?’" +13625,2,Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it... they could call it Mari Poppins. +13626,0,"My friend is an expert in Finance and Marine Biology Which makes borrowing money from him a problem, since he's a real Loan Shark." +13627,7,What do you call two gay Irish men? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick +13628,1,"A mortician and a recent widow are in the morgue, her dead husband in a casket wearing a grey suit... The widow says ""Harold always liked a blue suit, like that man over there in the casket is wearing"". The mortician says, ""No problem M'am, I'll take care of it if you step out for a few minutes"". Five minutes later, the mortician calls her back in and sure enough, her husband is wearing the blue suit. "" That's wonderful...you did this very fast""! ""Oh"", he says,"" I just switched their heads""." +13629,1,"What did the cast and crew of the movie ""Schindler's list"" call Steven Spielberg? ""Herr Direktor""" +13630,0,"If the plural of ""mouse"" is ""mice"" and the plural of ""louse"" is ""lice""... Then why isn't the plural of ""house"" ""hice""?" +13631,1,"I knew I was playing chess with an Australian... ... he said ""checkmate"" and then left suddenly." +13632,0,I just got a new floppy drive The thing goes skrrt +13633,1,What did the countertop say to the pizza dough? You're so kneady. +13634,0,What is the vegetable you can learn the most from about current events from? A Newspepper +13635,1,Two condoms walk past a gay bar Hey want to get shit face? +13636,4,Why hasn't there been a black pope? Because black men are afraid of being fathers. +13637,4,Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy. +13638,1,I made a joke about net neutrality And now i have to pay for it +13639,0,"How do you identify a Vegan, Crossfitter, Navy SEAL, or tranny? Don't worry about it, they will tell you." +13640,1,"I Opened A Shelter Called ""Tempura House"" It's for lightly battered women. " +13641,2,"I told my barber that I didn't like the way he cut my hair. He said ""don't worry, it will grow on you.""" +13642,8,"A joke to tell your friends in-person So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though. So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have? *Wait until your friend replies it's three stories* Now, this guy's a real asshole and thinks he can do everything right, and anyone who doesn't do it his way is wrong. So he goes into the first story, and he sees a guy walking on stilts. He says, ""That's not how you walk on stilts!"" The stilts guy gets down from his stilts, goes over, slaps him in the face and says, ""Hey, who's walking on stilts here, you or me?"" So the guy goes up to the second story and he sees a guy doing gymnastics. He says, ""That's not how you do gymnastics!"" So the gymnastics guy gets up, goes over, slaps him in the face and says ""Hey! Who's doing gymnastics here, you or me?"" So the guy goes up to the third story, where he sees a guy flipping pancakes. He says, ""That's not how you flip pancakes!"" So the guy takes the frying pan, goes over, slaps him in the face with it and says, ""Hey, who's flipping pancakes here, you or me?"" So the guy goes up to the fourth story... *Stare meaningfully at your friend until they tell you there are only three stories* Slap them in the face and say ""Hey! Who's telling the joke here, you or me?""" +13643,1,My cat told a joke today. I didn't laugh. He took it purr-sonal.. +13644,1,What do you call a dead flamingo Flamingone +13645,1,"I love to travel, I travel as much as I can... People hate playing basketball with me. " +13646,2,What does caillou smell like? Chemotherapy +13647,6,My dick was once in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out. +13648,3,"Someone complimented me on my driving today They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." +13649,0,My parents have a great sense of humour 9 months after conceiving me they created the greatest joke ever. +13650,1,"As a white guy who saw Black Panther, I gave it... 3/5" +13651,3,"Her: I like your name Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday" +13652,2,I like my women like I like my coffee Hot and all over my lap while driving. +13653,2,"After a series of city-wide riots, the mayor of Los Angeles imposed the harshest curfew ever: anyone outdoors after 10 pm will be shot on sight! On the very first night of the curfew, a cop shot a black kid dead at 9:45. The police chief dragged the cop in for questioning. ""What the hell you doing shooting a guy before the curfew even started!?"" ""Sir, I know where that guy lives. He never would have made it home in time!""" +13654,2,"What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars? ""Let Meowt!!!!""" +13655,2,"So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's ""cool"" Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a ""massive pervert""?" +13656,0,"Hitler, Elon Musk, and James Charles are at a meeting. The topic they’re discussing is world over population. Hitler ways to “terminate the inferior races,” and Musk says to colonize Mars so there’s more space on earth. James Charles says “Let’s turn everyone gay so we can’t repopulate!” Elon Musk and Hitler laugh. James Charles says to Elon and Hitler, “Let’s start with you.” Their smiles fade." +13657,1,What is Forest Gump's favorite type of pasta? Penne! +13658,1,What did the guy who got fired for always being late say? It was just a matter of time. +13659,2,I never knew mountain ranges were so funny they’re actually hill areas +13660,4,"An old man is sitting in a bar The bartender sees that he’s upset and asks what’s wrong. The man replies, “you see that wall over there, it took me 4 years to build that wall but no one calls me John the wall builder. “You see that boat in the harbor? It took me 6 years to build that boat, but no one calls me John the boat builder. You see that house over on that hill? It took me 15 years to build that house, and no one calls me John the house builder. You fuck just ONE goat...”" +13661,2,"A romance had begun to bloom between two nursing home patients ... ... and one day, when they were both feeling particularly frisky, the couple went back to the old woman's room and closed the door behind them. The two began to kiss -- softly at first, but then things began to get more passionate. The old woman began to breathe very heavily, encouraging the old man, so he began to untie her gown. It fell to the floor as the kissing grew even hotter. By now, the old woman was breathing even more heavily. The old man removed her bra and continued to kiss her deeply. Gasping for air, the old woman said, ""Stop! Stop!"" A bit hard of hearing, the old man continued kissing her neck until she finally yelled ""STOP!"" directly into his ear. ""What? What's the matter?"" he asked. ""The doctor says I have acute angina."" ""I sure hope so,"" the old man replied, ""because your tits look like hell.""" +13662,2,Self-deprecation The one and only thing I am any good at +13663,1,How did the Russians keep the Germans at bay in World War II? They were Stalin +13664,0,Confucius say... ...Man who walk with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. +13665,6,"A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes... ""Oh."" said the counselor. ""I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse.""" +13666,1,"A boy and his pet bird A little boy with a speech impediment got himself a pet bird for Christmas. One day, he went to the pet store to buy it some food. He walked in and asked the man working in the store, ""excuse me, mister, but do you sell any boyd seed?"" The man said ""we do, but I'm sorry I can't sell any to you until you learn how to say ""bird"" correctly."" The little boy, frustrated, went home. He came back into the store the next day. ""Excuse me mister, but do you sell any boyd seed?"" Again, the man told the boy to learn how to say bird correctly before he would sell him any. The little boy practiced and practiced and a couple days later, went back to the store. He greeted the man and asked, ""excuse me mister, would you like to buy a dead bird?"" " +13667,1,What do you call 2 Japanese babysitters? Nanni?! +13668,0,What do you call a smelly surfers hair? Ripe curls +13669,1,Why do Christians have so many children? Because their condoms are holy. +13670,5,What do you call a child born from incest Gross domestic product +13671,0,I believe my pet bird has been seeing ghost. He has skills of the parrotnormal +13672,4,"A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10 commandments, not 12. 2.There are 12 disciples, not 10. 3.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 4.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 6.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 7.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 8.When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 9.We do not refer to the cross as the ""Big T."" 10.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, ""Take this and eat it for it is my body."" He did not say ""Eat me"" 11.The Virgin Mary is not called ""Mary with the Cherry,"" 12.The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub- A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 13.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's 14. Sip the Vodka, don't drink it." +13673,6,I came here to make a United joke But it looks like I got beat +13674,0,Why do people say Jesus Christ is going to come back? It's not like he's been crucified to a boomerang or something. +13675,0,So I heard someone say Logan Paul is a sociopath... It's sad to hear that so many people hate him just be cause he films when he and his friends are hanging +13676,3,How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich? They're both in-bread... +13677,1,My friend denies that the earth is flat. What a baller. +13678,0,What do you call an instigated rocket? An inclination of 1080p liftoff. +13679,1,What do you call a pregnant woman with a transparent belly? A womb with a view. +13680,2,My mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down +13681,0,My faith in humanity is restored whenever a Republican stands up to trump. Untill I realize it's a member of the freedom caucus. +13682,1,I need two personal drivers because of my elephantitis. I can't fit into a single car because of my testicular elephantitis. The other driver is a great bloke but the other one drives me nuts. +13683,1,"When one door closes, another one opens. And that's how I lost my job as cabin crew." +13684,0,I really love G-Eazy and I mean it. +13685,4,"Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I'd like to find the area under your curves" +13686,1,What do 9/11 jokes and planes that fly over New York have in common? They don't always land. +13687,0,"My wife told me to load the dish washer and turn it on So I got her drunk and before you know it, we had sex" +13688,2,Poor children in African nations are really excited... They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts! +13689,1,"What Matthew McConaughey's political affiliation? Alt-Right, Alt-Right, Alt-Right" +13690,4,I get my guns from a guy named T-Rex... He's a small arms dealer +13691,0,"Counting in ancient times Few things disappoint me as much as watching a movie or series set in Roman times... When People count, I kind of expect them to say: eye, eye eye, eye eye eye, eye vee, vee... But no! They say: One, two, three, four, five... The lack of historical accuracy distracts me completely!" +13692,0,What single gay men and pirates have in common? Both wanting to get some booty. +13693,2,Funeral homes have the best services in town.. Everyone is dying to get them +13694,2,Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'll never forget +13695,0,"Sexually Frustrated Girlfriend phone menu [Girlfriend laying on the bed] Press 1 to stay still, yes you are frustrated and will continue to be Press 2 to stay face to face and continue the conversation Press 3 to spoon. Keep in mind, we may not hear all the words we say to each other, and perhaps I will take a nap Press 4 to keep laying there Press 5 to make out Press 6 to touch your boyfriend's body If you have already stopped listening, press 7 or just hang up" +13696,3,"A couple with kids had made a pact that they would always fulfill each other's physical desires every time they were in the mood. They had also thought of a secret way of communicating with each-other so that the kids would not understand.. For example, every time one was in the mood for sex, they would say to the other: ""can you please help me type a letter on the typewriter?"". One day the dad was in the mood, but the mom was working late. She calls home and their son answers the phone. While they were talking, the dad tell the son to ask mom when would she come home because he needed help ""typing a letter"". The woman responded she had a lot of work, but to tell him that she would be home as soon as possible. After a hour, the wife called again to say she might be a while longer but she doesn't know how much exactly, so she told the son to tell his dad that she is trying to come home ASAP, to help him ""type the letter"". The dad hears and says: Tell her no need to rush, I couldn't wait so I just ""wrote it by hand""." +13697,0,Solaire is the type of guy... To look for the sun inside the earth +13698,0,Why do policemen have rose belts? So their pants won't fell off +13699,0,"TIFU by not checking my parachute before skydiving Well I'm now plummeting from the plane and these are probably my last words so goodbye world, I will try to post this on reddit Tl;dr check your chute before jumpi" +13700,2,What did the buffalo say when her kid left to college? Bison. +13701,3,Australians don't have sex. They mate. +13702,0,What do you call an impotent paedophile? Kindergaton flop. +13703,2,If you have an obsession for the Imperical System... ...we could say you have a foot fetish +13704,2,The real joke is always in the comments. I sure do damn hope so cause I got nothing to put here. +13705,3,The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace. +13706,1,Why did Tiger Woods get arrested? He shot a birdie off season. +13707,1,"What does a polite Mexican order at Wendy's? 4 for 4, por favor!" +13708,2,What did the old black woman say to the guy who worked ten years for his bachelor's? I worked 50 for my masters. +13709,0,"Some guy came up to me and said I should inflect my nouns to indicate number, case, and gender. I declined." +13710,1,What's the difference between a hooker and an escort? About $500 and a slight element of doubt to the outcome of the evening. +13711,0,Today I saw a girl at the gym and I asked her what he New Years resolution was. Then I woke up from my nightmare about being at a gym. +13712,0,"John Lennon: He wear no shoeshine, he got toe jam football, he got monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola Police Sketch Artist: What?" +13713,0,"Hey, is your fridge running? * Me:Fuck, how'd you know? * Me: Oh dear God, run you, RUN!!! * Guy on phone: Fuck I was trying to prank call...Oh dear God, is that a fucking Gatlinburg gun, fuuckkkk... * Me: Why can't I just have a normal fridge anymore, sigh... stupid fridge with a fucking identity crisis I tell you" +13714,0,"A lesbian orgy is just like smoking weed Puff, puff, pass..." +13715,1,A guy was admitted into a hospital where they found eight plastic horses in his stomach... He is in stable condition now. ​ +13716,0,Someone asked why I keep my room at 69 degrees Because it’s nice +13717,0,What are the three dots on the bottom of a Twinkie for? It’s Braille for “Other Side Up” +13718,0,Did you read that book about the lady who bought a Garmin watch online? It’s called the Order of the Fenix +13719,0,"A doctor asked another doctor, ""What was the oddest thing you did in your whole career?"" Transplant" +13720,1,"You may think it's funny, to kiss your Honey, when their nose is runny, but It's snot! " +13721,0,Article adjective noun verb preposition proper noun... Pronoun verb article adjective ableist slur! +13722,1,"When I was kidnapped, my parents immediately sprung into action. They spent my college fund on a luxury cruise." +13723,1,A USB is like my sex life... It takes at least 3 times to put it in correctly. +13724,0,Being a midget sucks There are a lot of shortcomings +13725,0,"Trump really needs to do something about all these Canadians. Seriously, geese are the worst." +13726,0,"The Man Test THE MAN TEST 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot. 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums! Jeeez, you're so queer. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.. 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. 8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler. " +13727,0,"I named my cargo ship ""Anakin Seawalker."" It's destined to bring ballast to the ports." +13728,4,"Banking Crisis in Japan Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. " +13729,3,"I went to the Cinema yesterday... ...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets. As I went to pay I said, ""I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."" The lady said, ""That's ok, you can put the sweets back!""" +13730,0,"Ya British? An American ship is overrunned by the British Navy in 1812, The sailors on the ship then comes across a British Lass who takes the crew into the British Navy, one Sailor proceeds to say,"" Hey girl, are you British? Becuase you keep on IMPRESSING me. (Ok I'll leave now)" +13731,0,Where does one male satellite platonically make out with another male satellite? The brozone layer +13732,2,"The perfect doctor Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”" +13733,3,"It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys… Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…" +13734,6,I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious... She's asked me to move out with her... +13735,2,Say what you want about Facebook... But at least it remembers your birthday when nobody else does. +13736,0,No one can touch this Russian gymnast... Apart from her coach and her uncle +13737,0,Osama bin Laden Jihad it coming. +13738,1,"Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad..... humor is doing it anyway." +13739,7,"When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle... ... she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. ""Tarzan not know sex,"" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, ""Oh ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."" Horrified, Jane said, ""Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."" She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. ""Here,"" she said, pointing to her privates, ""you must put it in here."" Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, ""What did you do that for?!"" Tarzan replied, ""Tarzan always check for squirrels first"". " +13740,1,Asked an artist friend if he does nude portraits He charges by the pound +13741,2,"Little Timothy comes from school... ""How was school?"" Asked the mom ""It was a blast! We got to make huge fires!"" ""Oh that sounds scary! Are you going to do that again tomorrow at school?"" ""Well there's no more school, so I can't say mom."" ""Well why not?"" ""It got pretty lit in there."" ""You kids must've been all fired up!"" ""It was blazing.""" +13742,1,How do you make a Caesar Salad? You stab some knives in it. +13743,1,"For the time being My kids asked me if we could eat out. I told them we are not doing that for the time being. Later my kids asked me if they could watch TV. I told them we are not doing that for the time being. I woke up last night to a burning smell. I rushed to the living room to find my kids standing around a clock that was set on fire. They told me ""We are making sacrifices for the Time Being.""" +13744,3,"Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife. You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better! She replied ""Why do you watch porn?""" +13745,0,"My girlfriend left me because I'm too obsessed with Linkin Park I mean, we tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter." +13746,0,"I named my dog Rembrandt That way I can say ""have you seen my Rembrandt?""" +13747,0,What do an airliner and a farmer have in common? They both don't stop whining until they get to Florida. +13748,3,"If you ever get cold, Just stand in a corner for a bit. They’re usually around 90 degrees." +13749,0,"Y'now those stores that say ""24/7""? About 3.42857142857" +13750,0,"The customer service where I live is so weird Yesterday at the grocery store, I had a bagger in line ask me if I wanted each individual item bagged! He held up some ground beef. ""Bag it?"" ""Yes bag it, please."" A head of lettuce. ""Bag it?"" ""Um, yes."" Some chocolate. ""Bag it?"" ""Yes!!"" A crusty French bread. ""Baguette?"" ""Oui!!""" +13751,0,What did the roofer take with him when he went to buy supplies? A shinglers list. +13752,2,Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome? I think it's called Two Baroque Girls +13753,1,"Friends are like peeing in your pants... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth." +13754,2,Did you hear about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? He’s a seasoned veteran. +13755,4,Australians don't have sex They mate +13756,1,What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ. +13757,6,"How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark " +13758,0,My house got broken into last night and the burglar only stole my lamps. I'm delighted. +13759,2,"A traveling magician would perform on cruises When performing, the captain's pet parrot would give away the secret to the trick, shouting out ' Its up his sleeve!' or ' Its a fake blindfold!' The magician was exasperated, but could do nothing since it was the captain's pet. One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank, the magician found a piece of driftwood and climbed on board, only to see the parrot on it. They drift in the ocean for days, not a word spoken between them, Finally, after 3 days, the parrot speaks, 'I give up, what did you do with the boat?'" +13760,4,"To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word." +13761,0,"Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says: ""Are you on foot or in the car?"" Billy replies: ""In the car."" ""Well that's the quickest way,"" says Paddy." +13762,3,Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? Because he couldn't see himself doing it. +13763,1,What is the accepted currency in Australia? Outbucks. +13764,2,"The high-speed Prius. There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway. Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow down. So they start going like this. However, the Bugatti soon gets overtaken by a Ferrari, and the squabble between them quickly turns into a street race. As the speeds climb up high, the Prius driver starts flashing his high beams. A police helicopter patrolling the highway spots them. The pilot, very surprised, tells the dispatcher: ""We've got a bit of a strange situation on I-62. Some guy in a Bugatti is racing a Ferrari at like 210-220 MPH..."" The dispatcher says: ""OK, street racing. Just tell them over the PA to pull over."" The pilot then says: ""Look, that's not the whole story. You see, there's a Prius right behind the Bugatti, *and he's signalling that he wants to pass...*""" +13765,1,Where is a barber’s favorite place to keep his money? His shavings account +13766,4,I ran into my high school bully yesterday Unfortunately he was wearing his seatbelt +13767,1,"A baby is born that is just a head... He's around 14 now and one night, his mom is watching a show where a doctor makes the announcement that science can now attach a donor body to those afflicted with this rare disorder. The mom is so happy, she bursts into his room: ""Son! Son! Wake up! I have a wonderful surprise for you!"" The kid opens one sleepy eye and says- ""Lemme' guess, Ma- you bought me another hat.""" +13768,3,I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version.. It blows itself up.. +13769,1,"What is about a foot long, made of leather, and sounds like a sneeze? >!A shoe!!<" +13770,2,A good deal... Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min. Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months. Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake? Guy 2: No. That was our deal ! +13771,4,"I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time. I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one." +13772,0,What's the difference between Prisoner and a Husband? Nothing. +13773,1,"Baby, you're so hot, you're an absolute 10 ... on the Kelvin scale. " +13774,3,"I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough to tell me. But why every half hour?" +13775,0,What do you call a first world country without a leader? **unPresidented.** +13776,0,"Kamasutra says... If you suck on one nipple, the woman herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of ""buy one get one free""!*" +13777,1,My wife is a prostitute who refuses to go down on me. I guess that makes me a head-less whore's man +13778,1,"I've picked up a new habit. No idea what I'm going to do with this dead nun, though." +13779,1,"A programmer goes to a grocery store. Before he leaves home, his wife tells him: “Get a bread. If they have eggs, get 10.” The programmer walks into the store and asks the clerk: “Do you have eggs?” “Yep.” “10 loaves of bread, please.”" +13780,0,A Man walks into a bar... 2706 +13781,4,Yesterday my girlfriend and I got in a fight when she said I was man-splaining. But I think she just miss-understood +13782,0,I love Pinball Wizard as much as the next guy but that band has no business appointing International ambassadors in the first place. +13783,3,A 3 year old told me this joke: what's in the sky and jiggles? A jellycopter +13784,2,What do you call a heartless thief? A redditor +13785,2,"My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video. Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly" +13786,4,Why are ethiopian children always crying? Midlife crisis. +13787,0,"One thing I like about Scat Porn Everything that normally has a negative meaning has a good meaning. Like, ""shitty vid!"" or ""crappy quality!"" And when you're searching through and it won't load you go ""this shit won't load."" Anyways, after watching it I always feel like I'm gonna have a shitty day and be a crappier person." +13788,6,Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him So he tracked down nothing and killed it +13789,1,What do you call a group of potatoes at a football game? Spec-taters +13790,1,"An Australian walks into a bar and orders a beer He starts playing a game of chess with the bartender. After making a particularly good move the Australian realizes he has to go. He says to the bartender ""check, mate""." +13791,1,"Pirate captain's red shirt. A man wanted to become a pirate so he joined a crew. Over time he ended up becoming first mate under an infamous captain. One evening a rival ship issued a challenge. The captain asked his first mate to grab his red shirt. He grabbed the shirt and they fought their rival and won. The next day two ships issued a challenge. The captain asked his first mate to grab his red shirt, they fought and won. A couple of days later five ships challenged this captain. He again asked his first mate to grab his red shirt, he did and they fought and won. The next day ten ships challenged them and again the captain asked for his red shirt. The first mate catching on to a sequence asked the captain ""what's up with the shirt? No matter what we go against you always ask for it and we always win!"" The captain replied ""you see it's a physiological game. With the red shirt my crew can't see me bleed if I get injured and it helps with moral."" The first mate understanding go's to grab the shirt and one again they are victorious. The next day, a huge armada came to face this crew, one hundred ships strong. Spooners and war-boats as far as the eye can see. The captain says to his first mate, ""first mate go and grab my brown pants.""" +13792,0,I took my girlfriend out last night... One punch +13793,2,Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because their sheep can hear zippers. +13794,2,"A gorgeous brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”. “The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?” “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”." +13795,0,"An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview In England. Before the interview, they were told that they must Compose a sentence in English with three main words: Green, pink and yellow... The Italian was first: 'I wake up in the morning. I See the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think To myself, I hope it will be a pink day...' The French was next: 'I wake up in the morning, I eat A yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV... Last was the Indian: 'I wake up in the morning, I Hear the phone 'green green', I 'pink' up the phone And I say 'Yellow' hahahahahahaha" +13796,3,Why are crippled people always picked on? because they can’t stand up for themselves. +13797,1,What do you name a dead end road in China? Wong way. +13798,0,What do you call a misbehaving horse? A rapstallion. +13799,0,My dumb friend My friend is that much camera cautious that even if he want to click his selfie he opens the front camera and take screenshots. +13800,10,"Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from." +13801,2,If you can't remember the words to the Lion sleeps tonight... It's just a whim away. +13802,2,Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight There would be mass confusion. +13803,1,"My wife wants to divorce me because I only talk about stone. To be honest, I want to Diorite now." +13804,2,I would give an arm and a leg... to compete at the paralympics. +13805,2,"After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a ""burnout"" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. ""Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."" ""I am,"" whispered Pete. ""I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money.""" +13806,0,Why Ping had to register as a sex offender? Because he is a groper. +13807,0,Why was the incontinent sex addict confused? He couldn't tell if he was coming or going! +13808,4,A book fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame. +13809,4,"Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American The native American asked : Can you do me a favour? Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want? Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong to memorise it. With curiosity, the astronaut asked: What does it mean? Native : It is a sacred message only our tribe and the moon spirits should know. When Neil Armstrong got back to the base, he searched for a native American language expert and asked him to translate the message. When Neil repeated the sacred message from the old native American to the moon spirits, the translator busted out laughing. After a while, he calmed down and said : The message means ""Don't believe a single word that they are telling you. They have come to steal your lands""." +13810,4,Eating a watch I ate a watch once. It was pretty time consuming +13811,2,My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith He could do all swords of things +13812,5,Which STD is transmitted through sound? Hearing aids +13813,0,When life hands you melons You might be dyslexic +13814,6,How long did 8 lie down for? Forever. +13815,1,How do you get a frog out of a paper bag? Ripit +13816,0,Why did the T-Rex need a bandaid after his meal? Because he had a dino sore +13817,5,"Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!! Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. ""Give me your money,"" he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, ""You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"" ""Oh! In that case,"" smiled the robber, ""Give me MY money! " +13818,0,Why did the graffiti artist decide to leave town? He saw the writing on the wall. +13819,3,Why didn't the Orange want to be eaten? Because he wasn't feeling appealing. +13820,1,What do you call a book filled with outlines of Star Wars characters? A Kylo Ren Book +13821,1,"What did the Kraken say to a wall? There's a Kraken the wall. Sorry if it's a repost, I thought of it a while ago. " +13822,0,"What did Cinderella say when the got to the ball? She didn't say anything, she just gagged." +13823,6,How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. They're efficient and not very funny. +13824,1,"My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”" +13825,1,It really feels like June now that May is over. +13826,3,My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma' I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses +13827,1,Indian Food. I spent some time in India recently. Some say that continuously eating spicy food causes one to lose their sense of taste. ​ ​ I started listening to Michael Bolton. +13828,0,"Once upon a time, lived a prince... He was in love with the most beautiful princess in the seven kingdoms. One day the prince knelt in front of her and said: ""My love, my breath, my only precious thing that keeps my heart beating, will you marry me?"", and the princess shouted: ""Hell, NO!"".   There was no mortgage to pay. Nobody had a headache or a cycle. There were no kids to cry for silly thing. Nobody complained about all the t-shirts and socks scattered all over the castle. The prince was able to throw parties whenever he pleases, he was inviting whoever he wants. He was drinking as much wine as he can and he fucked all the maids (not only the once in his castle).   In short, the prince lived happily ever after!" +13829,2,Did you hear about the two lesbians that built a house? It was all tongue in groove Not a stud in sight +13830,3,"A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists. ""Are you guys alright?"" asks the conservative. ""No, we're mostly left.""" +13831,2,What's so annoying about the midget criminal walking down the steps? He's a little con descending. +13832,1,How do you call an assault made by twins? Attack of the clones +13833,4,"A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed. A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, ""My God! Whoever did this really needs help!""" +13834,3,What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult? Go shuck yourself. What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield? Watch out for stalkers. Sorry for all the corny jokes. +13835,0,How do you make a baker cry? Easy. Go for a cheapshot by insulting his pastries. +13836,2,Congratulations everyone! Researchers have proven that we can jump in a pool of volcano. but only once. +13837,4,What do cannibals call Usain Bolt? Fast food. +13838,3,"What’s the difference between the people of Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do!" +13839,0,"Oh great, it's the first day of the month I can never spell. I just need to remember it's b-l-a-c-k h-i-s-t-o-r-y" +13840,2,I hate jokes about German sausages. They’re the wurst. +13841,0,"Every Husband is a farmer by default. His survival solely depends on ""agree""culture... ""Agree""culture increases the GDP (Gross Domestic Peace). Not my original. Just heard at a party recently. :)" +13842,1,"My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter He can't anymore though, too many cameras. " +13843,2,"Senior citizen I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, ""Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: ""HELL NO!!!"" I said, ""Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"" I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!" +13844,1,"Girls sure do like my cock. After all, he has a very nice beak." +13845,1,Silence Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. +13846,1,My Wife has been forcing me to stand on one leg for years. Enough is enough. I had to put my foot down. +13847,4,I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie. Sadly it was erased. +13848,2,"People always say ""go big or go home"" as if going home is a bad thing.     Like hell yeah I'll go home... I can nap when i get there." +13849,0,Whats the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman? You get pussy and head at the same time. +13850,2,Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle +13851,2,What do you call Chewbacca when he gets sick? Achoo-bacca +13852,1,What type of sushi does Bob Seger like? That Old Thai Moroccan Roll. +13853,4,"Three couples are trying to get married at a local church. One was an elderly couple, another was a middle-aged couple, and the third a young couple. So the priest calls each of these couples in and presents them with a challenge. “In order to get married at my church,” he says “you have to go an entire month without having sex.” So they leave the church and they come back one month later, and the priest calls them in separately to see how it went. First, he asks the elderly couple, “Have you been able to complete my task?” “Yes, it was easy...” they replied, and they set the date for their wedding. Next, he calls in the middle-aged couple, “Were you two able to complete the month without sex?” he asks them. “Yes,” they replied “it got a little bit difficult towards the end but we made it through.” And he allowed them to set a date for their wedding as well. Finally, he calls in the young couple and he asks them “Were you able to complete the month?” “No, we couldn’t do it...” they said. “Tell me why” the priest replies. “Well my girlfriend was holding a can of corn and she dropped it,” the boyfriend said “and when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself.” Then the priest said “Well, for not completing the challenge I cannot allow for you to be married in my church. In fact, I never want to see you back here again.” “Funny,” the boyfriend replies, “we aren’t welcome in the supermarket either.”" +13854,0,I don't like jokes April fools!! +13855,0,What's the difference between a stubbed toe and an Asgard hero? Nothing they are both Thor. +13856,3,"I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I've said it before." +13857,5,"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be ""saved"" or you'll ""burn"". Stupid firemen." +13858,0,Do you know what Trump just said? That his butt is his new mouth! +13859,1,"I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe. But that would Just ruin the load." +13860,1,Why was jesus in such good shape? Because the crossfit +13861,7,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, men can be feminists too" +13862,3,A lot of people get all hot and bothered about euthanasia But what about youth in America??? +13863,2,"As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The invisible man" +13864,0,Yo Mama so Irish. She has to get uh potato clock every morning. +13865,1,The more the merrier? I hardly know them! - Hugh Hefner +13866,1,What do you call a witch that eats sand Malnurished +13867,2,I saw my old karate coach in his car yesterday He drove a KIIIIAAA. +13868,4,I'm a Sikh and tired of being called a Muslim. We're the 7-ELEVEN guys not the 9/11 guys. +13869,1,"You've heard of a DEADpan expression. Well, a BEDpan expression... THAT's a Shit-eating grin!" +13870,5,Why Can't Stevie Wonder See His Friends? Because he's married +13871,2,Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons It's cute and exciting when it first starts out but then it gets obnoxious and should stay in Canada. +13872,0,"Love is like gasoline. It is expensive, runs out quickly and can be replaced by alcohol." +13873,1,You many ask me why anal is my favorite sex position. Its the shit. +13874,1,"When you market TV shows and movies in other countries, it's not uncommon to change the title in order to appeal to the local population. For example, the Chinese title for ""Black Mirror"" is ""Really Cool Ideas""." +13875,5,There was a kidnapping at my son's school today but they woke him up in time for recess. +13876,2,When you fly United Airlines they treat you like a King. Rodney King that is. +13877,7,"A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3. The boy said, ""Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4"". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, ""Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!""" +13878,2,What are friends at a mental hospital called? Suicide squad. +13879,1,"The embittered old harpy was the butt of many a joke in her small town. One day she boils over and yells ""I'll have you know that when I was young I could have married anyone I pleased!"" So it's quite apparent that she never pleased anyone." +13880,0,"You can't say he didn't try A man goes on vacation, leaving his house, cat & mom to the watch of one of his friends. When he comes back, he asks how the cat is doing. ""He's dead"" ""What ? What an unsensitive way to say that. You could've prepared me to the news ... I dunno, you could've started off saying he was walking on the edge of the roof. Whatever, how is mom going ?"" ""Well, she was walking on the edge of the roof ...""" +13881,0,"There was an attractive anorexic girl, I told her if she put a little meat on her bones She would have a little boner to meet." +13882,2,"The judge said I should be hung, drawn and quartered. So they gave me a penis enlarger, a caricature and a nice room on a ship." +13883,1,What does Yo-Yo-Ma say when he answers the door? Cello. +13884,0,"There once was a man from foster, who had 40 d* in a cluster. He can have an erection in any direction and when soft can be used as a duster." +13885,2,Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder +13886,5,"Guy goes to a doctor... A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, ""I've been thinking about this a long time. I want to be castrated. This is important to me, and don't try to talk me out of it. I don't want any discussion. Just do it."" The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day. The guy is laying in the recovery room afterwards with his knees up and an icepack where the work was done, and he looks over and sees another guy in the exact same recovery position. ""Looks like we both got the same surgery."" The other guy nods, ""Yeah, although I still feel silly getting circumcised--"" ""THAT'S THE WORD!""" +13887,2,"A day off . . . Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?"" The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.""" +13888,0,I just saw a documentary about how ships are held together. Riveting. +13889,0,"Paid a homeless man a dollar for this one... A woman walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a ""Marini"". ""Sure, ma'am, one martini coming right up."" The women slurps it down, and a few minutes later, beckons the bartender back over. ""Another ""Marini"", but this one with a cherry in it, please."" ""Sure, ma'am, one martini coming right up."" The women slurps it down, and a few minutes later, again beckons the bartender over. ""Another ""Marini"" with a cherry, please, and something for heartburn."" The bartender responds, ""Ma'am, I hate to break it to you, but it's ""Martini"" not ""Marini"" and they're olives, not cherries. As far as the heartburn, your left titty is out of your blouse, and it's in an ash tray.""" +13890,0,"Imagine if, in some fit of drug-induced rage back in the 60s, Keith Richards had killed David Crosby & Gram Parsons? Talk about killing two byrds with one stone." +13891,2,"What do you get when you play ""Born in the USA"" backwards ? Back in the USSR" +13892,1,I tell jokes under an Indian pseudonym. Amir all week +13893,0,"No joke, I'm in India This is no joke, I took a long light to India after a long time. I see so many lines, long lines of cars and buses, lines for shopping. etc. No punchline." +13894,2,How do you punish your coffee beans? You ground it. +13895,4,I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday. I guess I'll never know why he so badly wanted an ex box. +13896,0,What kind of puzzles do both dancers and construction workers share Jigsaw +13897,0,Why are so many Pakistani's Muslim when Islamabad? Why are so many Pakistani's Muslim when Islamabad? (I have nothing more against Islam than any other religion*) +13898,2,Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook? It's called A Brief History of Thyme. +13899,4,"When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you... Three friends are sitting in a bar drinking, when one turns to the others and asks, ""When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"" The first guy thinks and says, ""I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."" The second guy says, ""I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."" He turns back to his buddy, who asked the question, ""What about you?"" The guy snorts, ""I want them to say, 'MY GOD, HE'S STILL ALIVE!!'""" +13900,1,"My intern keeps on telling customers puns. Recently he made a really bad pun and a customer turned around and asked, ""Who said this shit?"" Pun Intern Did" +13901,1,My ex had a tattoo of a seashell on her thigh... You could put your ear up to it and smell the ocean. +13902,0,"Yo mama so fat that on her wedding day the choir had to edit the bridal song to fit the occasion... Here comes the bride, Oh-m'God she's so wide, look at her sway from siiide too siiideeee! kthxbye! " +13903,1,"Negligence Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing! Your mail carrier must be negligent.” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband’s new hearing aid.”" +13904,0,Cat always order the newest hipster IPA... Gets called purr-tentious. +13905,3,Why did the snowman pull down his pants? Because he saw the snow blower coming. +13906,0,"It's called 'electricity'! Teacher: Name one invention that has made our lives easier. Mary: Computers Teacher: very good Mary! Charlie: Internet Teacher: Excellent! Johnny: Electri'kitty' Teacher: I'm sorry what? Johnny: *loudly* Electri'kitty' Teacher: Johnny, it's called Electricity. Say Electri'city' Johnny: Yes ma'am, electri-electri'kitty' Teacher: I need to talk to your parents **a day later** Dad: what happened? Teacher: your son has a little speech impediment Dad: impossible! There's no such thing in him! Teacher: wait, I'll show you! Johnny say 'electricity' Johnny: e-e-electri'kitty'!! Dad: By God! You are correct! Teacher: we really don't know how he has this impediment but he needs to learn proper pronunciations or he'll be held back! Dad: Do not do that! He can do everything else better and as far as his impediment goes, I'll turn the world upside-down to find out why he has it. At the end of the day, you, as a teacher, should try to respect his capa'kitty'! " +13907,3,"The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub... Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub. The he says to the bartender ""Can I have a pint of beer?"" The bartender says ""Certainly, that'll be €0.50"" He responds with ""50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"" But then the bartender tells him ""And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... """ +13908,1,I robbed a candy store. I came out with 100 Grand. +13909,6,"A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?” His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”" +13910,3,"The Husband Store A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: ""You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. ""Wow,"" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. ""Oh, mercy me!"" she exclaims, ""I can hardly stand it!"" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store." +13911,0,Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would still be mass obesity +13912,1,Anyone know a joke a about sodium deposits? Na. +13913,0,I would elect Alice Cooper as President sooner then Trump as Alice Cooper would get Trump to pay. +13914,0,Wearing Crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy It feels great until you look down +13915,0,What's the difference between a Bernie Sanders supporter and a fat stripper? A fat stripper actually gets to the polls. +13916,3,Best pickup line ever Girl are you a gorilla exhibit because I'm about to drop a baby in you? +13917,0,What do Chinese people and snowflakes have in common? They're all technically different but pretty much look the same. +13918,0,What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty +13919,1,"I can't tell the difference between scarlet and crimson I genuinely can't tell between them and it makes me really angry, because when someone says,""is it scarlet or crimson"" all I can see is red." +13920,1,How do you detach frogs leg You Ribbit +13921,3,Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt +13922,0,I was going to watch a video on intense manicuring But none of them had thumbnails +13923,1,How did Kim Jong Un learn every word in the English dictionary in one day? He's the Supreme reader. +13924,0,Reading my current book makes my eyes so sore It's a friction novel +13925,1,The Orcs march upon the Elven city Warchief: TODAY! We march upon the elves! Warband: HAARU Warchief: We will slay the men! Warband: HAARU Warchief: And rape the women! Warband: HAARU Warchief: Good. Don't fuck it up like last time. +13926,3,"Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce... So they go to a divorce lawyer, Divorce lawyer: So Mickey you're saying you're divorcing your wife because she's being... extremely silly? Mickey: No I said she's fucking Goofy!" +13927,1,How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.. +13928,4,2 pilots meet 500 people died +13929,2,"A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking. The cucumber says ""I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."" The olive says ""That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."" The penis says ""You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up""" +13930,1,What do you call a DJ at a yoga class? A Diplomat +13931,1,My friend the sheep herder had his bachelor party. He was so happy I gave him velcro gloves. +13932,6,"Hugh the Blacksmith So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land. One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already. Now the other friars, being devout Christians, are very upset by this, and excommunicate the first friar for playing God. Distraught, the first friar packs his bags and gets ready to hike down the mountain. Before he leaves, however, he manages to snag a few of the seeds of this favorite flowers, to remind him of the beautiful garden that he cared about so much. When he arrives at the village at the foot of the mountain, he's welcomed with open arms. He manages to get a shack for himself where he can live somewhat comfortably. He plants the seeds in a small planter which he hangs in the one tiny window in his shack, above his bed. One day, as the friar is getting ready for bed, one of his neighbours stops by. ""Those are the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen!"" he exclaims. ""Would you consider selling me a dozen, once they've bloomed?"" The friar hadn't considered that his florist skills could make him a living. Even though he was okay with his small shack, he would appreciate the extra income. He promises his neighbour that he will sell the flowers once they're ready. After a few months, the friar has made enough money from selling his flowers that he can afford to move out of his shack, and into a nice cottage near the center of town. After another few months, the friar's flower shop has developed such a following that all the other florists in town had closed their shops. They simply couldn't compete. The other florists are incredibly upset by this. ""Who does he think he is, coming down from that mountain and stealing our business!?"" They all get together and decide to ask the friar to close his shop the next morning. The next day, they go up to the friar's door and give it three swift knocks. The friar comes to the door right away. He invites them in for tea, and they reluctantly agree. As they have their tea, the friar tells them his life's story. Growing up in the garden, his love for the flowers, and his eventual excommunication. The other florists are so enamoured with this tale that they leave without asking the friar to move out. They meet again that night, promising that they'll go back the next day, and this time they WILL get the friar to leave. Once again, they go up to his door and give three swift knocks. The friar opens the door almost immediately. He once again invites them in for tea. This time, he tells them the greatest fairy tale that they've ever heard, and they once again leave without asking. Realizing that they were too weak-willed to ask the friar to leave, they decided to ask the town elders to do it for them. The next morning, the town elders accompany the florists down to the friar's house. After three swift knocks, the prompt opening of the door, and a few rounds of tea, they once again leave empty-handed. They meet again that night, truly enraged this time. ""We've tried diplomacy. Three times! We'll have to get this bastard of a friar to leave by force."" The next day, they go to the strongest man in town, Hugh, the blacksmith. ""Hugh, do you think you could get this friar to leave for us? He's causing us so much trouble!"" They walk down to the friar's shop together. Hugh gives the door three swift knocks, and it opens instantly. With the reflexes of a cat, Hugh grabs the friar by his collar of his shirt, and carries him out of town while the friar yells profanities. When Hugh returns to town, he's welcomed with thunderous applause. ""How could you do it, Hugh? He was always too charming for us to ask him to leave."" Hugh replies, ""Only Hugh can stop florist friars.""" +13933,1,You can't judge a man who fucks his sister... Morality is relative. +13934,5,"What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself? One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan." +13935,0,Is it hot in here or is it.... .....the Sun crashing down on us? +13936,1,"Military ranks GENERAL: Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God. COLONEL: Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God. LT. COLONEL: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved. MAJOR: Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God. CAPTAIN: Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals. 1ST LIEUTENANT: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls. 2ND LIEUTENANT: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself. DRILL SERGEANT: Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD" +13937,5,Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day? Because all sentences should end with a period. +13938,1,"What did Blackbeard say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye, matey.”" +13939,3,"A Fireman, A Little Girl, and Her Cat A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.  ""That sure is a nice fire truck, the firefighter,"" said with admiration. ""Thanks,"" the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's privates. ""Little partner,"" the firefighter said, "" I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."" The little girl replied thoughtfully, ""You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!."" " +13940,3,Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field. +13941,3,I was struggling to figure out how lightning works Then it struck me +13942,0,What do you call a Japanese protector of food? A samurice. +13943,0,"The worst, punniest pun I could think of DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YA At some point during human evolution, a certain set of individuals had a slight variation in the genetic code. It was passive and had no effect on behaviour or physiology whatsoever. It was enough difference to make different species, but could still reproduce with _homo sapiens_. At some point, the gene became ""active."" People showed no distinctions from the other until the age of 17. From then, they started changing their behavior from normal people to beings identical to humans save the fact that, at many times throughout the day, they started prancing uncontrollably. It started being somewhat common, and people would guess which of both were they. They would say: ""Are we humans? Or are we dancers??"" . EDIT: ITS A SONG OF THE SAME TITLE" +13944,3,Droids claim they were molested by George Lucas during filming for Star Wars... #R2MeToo +13945,5,"I am terrified of elevators, I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them." +13946,6,[NSFW] So my penis was in the guiness book of world records... Till the librarian asked me to take it out. +13947,5,"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses. ""But I don't wear glasses.."" ""I know, but I do.""" +13948,2,"What do kinky vegans say in the bedroom? “Artichoke me, Daddy”." +13949,1,"The difference between Sean Connery and a Silica Tetrahedron One's an ionic bond, the other's an iconic Bond. " +13950,0,I used to be in a one man band once..... but I split up due to musical differences. :( +13951,0,Cash me ousside How bah dat??! +13952,0,I never tell my girlfriend anything while she's on her period She's wearing a wire. +13953,0,Did you notice Godzilla wearing a star of David? He's a Kaiju after all. +13954,1,"I was travelling in a train when I heard an announcement on PA. The announcement was ""If you observe anything or anyone looking suspicious or dangerous, please report to us at 555-5555."" At that time I looked over at the female passenger seating besides me. Then I remove my phone and dialed the number 555-5555. She started looking at me suspiciously. As soon as the line connected, I said,""Hello, I want report a suspicious looking female who is seating next to me. She seems to be dangerous as well."" ​ At that point, the suspicious and dangerous looking female snatched my phone and shouts ,""Stop doing that John. I am your wife!""." +13955,1,"I get plenty of exercise. I'm frequently jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. " +13956,2,What do you call a group of pirate ships? An Arrrrrmada +13957,4,"I was driving in the desert in my 1989 Jeep Wrangler. I was going for a drive in the vast, dry deserts of Nevada. I had just gotten in a fight with my wife, and yes, I might have had a little too much to drink and a little too poor a sense of direction to be doing what I was doing. Cacti and tumbleweeds blurred past me as I tried my best to ignore the clunking sound coming out from under the old Wrangler's hood. One stretch of road blended into the next. As the road got bumpier, I realized I wasn't even on a road after all, but rather wandering the desert on an uncharted course. *SLORTCH!* A sickening crunch sent me and my battered mount spiraling and screeching over the coarse, sandy dunes. Sand got everywhere. The Jeep rammed into a dune with a *THUD* and I blacked out. *""FOOL OF A CROOK!""* I heard in a thunderous voice. I looked around, panicked. My legs were caught under some Jeep guts that had spilled all over me. I couldn't move. *""Are all you humans this stupid, or are you an extra rare shiny specimen?""* ""What?! Who's there? What's going on?"" was all I could spew from my confused mouth. *""I am Na'thwhqangq'yi, though those of your kind often call me Nathaniel. Do you not know what you nearly crashed into?""* Still looking around, I shrugged. ""A wedding party?"" I offered. Out of the corner of my eye, a slimy silver snake slithered silently into view. ""Ahem. Do you see any extravagant mate pairings in the vicinity? You're hardly doing anyone any favors."" Staring into his beady little eyes, I was shocked to realize that the voice was coming from the snake! It seemed to be some kind of telepathic ability. Not only that, he had lowered his voice now that he was closer. ""Well, *Nate the Snake,*"" I quipped, ""it's not like you've exactly been handing out favors either! What are you, anyway? Some kind of Area 51 experiment?"" Despite the stupidity of my remarks, I heard something like a muffled chuckle. ""Nate the Snake... I like that. What I am is very old, and beyond your mortal understanding. But I have been imprisoned within this serpentine body for the purpose of guarding the Terminus Obelisk. It is one spoke of a wheel that, when turned, will ignite ancient flames within this planet that will destroy everything on it. And above it. And outside it, in dimensions you cannot imagine."" ""Huh... and what are the other spokes of this wheel? What does that metaphor even mean?"" I asked. Nate the Snake scoffed. ""It's literally a wheel, pal. See that stick over there? In the mud?"" I looked over at some kind of branch-looking thing protruding from a mud pit nearby. A stick in the mud. ""I'm not your pal, guy! The name's Jesse. So... you're telling me if I had hit that switch over there, the entire universe and beyond would have ended?"" Nate nodded sagely. ""A stick. A switch. An on/off button for existence, if you will, but more of a lever than a button."" I snapped ""I'm not Will, I'm Jesse! Pay attention, geez."" Again, that stupid sexy chuckle. ""Well I'm not Geez, either! Nate the Snake, remember?"" ""Right. By the way, help a pal out and get my legs free, please? I'm not a badass snake like you. I really need to pee."" The car parts holding me down dimly glowed and were lifted from my legs. I thanked Nate heartily and tried to get the Jeep started. No luck. Finding I was stuck here, in the middle of the desert, I did what any sane man would do: make conversation with Nate the Snake. I found out he'd been guarding this Obelisk thing for centuries. It really didn't look like an ""obelisk"" to me, though, so I just started calling it the Lever of Doom, and it stuck. When I got thirsty, Nate was kind enough to lead me to a nearby spring hidden just under a dune that I would have completely missed otherwise. As I drank greedily from the spring, I talked to Nate about my life and my problems. Despite coming off as a bit of a jerk at first blush, Nate was actually pretty interested in my life. Turns out women in lakes handing out swords is no basis for government, but ancient spirits in snakes handing out advice is an excellent basis for turning your life around. We talked for hours and hours about my wife, Jamie, how all the little times I pissed her off had added up, how she rearranged my things only because she loved me and wanted to clean up the place. Days passed as I tried to fix the Jeep and failed. No cell reception. I had no idea where the nearest town was. Nate the Snake took pity on me and helped guide me to some wild berries that kept me fed near that mysterious hidden spring. We talked more - about how I felt I was at a dead end at my job, about the career I wanted to pursue and how my manager seemed so much more selfish than other managers in my division. We talked about his abilities, and he showed me some more of the mystical secrets of the desert. He gave me a killer flan recipe. It was all information that I would later take to improve my life immeasurably. Eventually, I found out what was stopping the Wrangler from starting. With a few zaps from Nate, the engine roared to life. ""I'm going to miss you, Nate the Snake. I feel like we really connected these past few weeks."" ""And I you,"" Nate replied. ""But this needn't be goodbye forever. Return to this desert, take a left, then a right, and repeat. When you are wandering, when you are lost, you can find me and we can chat once more. However, you must promise ne that you will never tell anyone about the Lever of Doom."" I took his blessing and warning to heart. Can't believe I even got the old coot to call it the Lever of Doom, too. And return to him I did. Over the years, as he said, whenever I felt lost in life, I would return to the desert, play the left-right game, and find warm-blooded counsel from Nate. He helped me find solace after my first divorce; he held me stable when the market crashed and I felt totally responsible for it; I bought some guns and helped him defend the Lever of Doom from void-faced legions from Hell. Nate became my dearest friend in life. One last day, in my hairs of gray, I took one last drive in the deserts of Nevada. I drove my 1989 Jeep Wrangler, repaired multiple times over the years, like I had many times before. As always, I played the left-right game. I was glad to see Nate's figure in the distance as my Jeep approached. Old friend, one final visit from me. *Clunk!* Uh oh. That was not a sound my Jeep should have made. I slammed on the brakes, but nothing happened. The engine roared faster and faster. I was directly on a collision course with the Terminus Obelisk! That stupid little stick in the mud that could destroy the universe. Sweating, I knew I had to make a split second decision... but I knew Nathaniel would never forgive me if I didn't do it. At the last minute, I swerved into my dearest friend, killing him instantly, and yelled, *BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!*" +13958,1,What do flowers do for foreplay? Floral sex. +13959,1,There are two types of people in the world: 1. Those who don't need closure. +13960,2,"A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team? No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret. After returning, the spy reveals: ""I found out how they keep on winning. They have only one person do the yelling.""" +13961,0,How do you make a blonde burn her ear? Phone her while she's doing her ironing. +13962,2,I’ve never been caught wanking. Touch wood. +13963,4,"When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally. Classic rook-y mistake." +13964,0,Why does trump need ativan? Hispanic attacks +13965,1,"Kanye West is baking a cake. Kanye West is baking a cake, only to find he is missing a key ingredient. He goes to the market only to find a single individual has purchased the entire stock. Kanye says ""No one man should have all that flour""." +13966,1,What is the most powerful vegetable in the DragonBall Z universe? Kacarrot +13967,0,Who does Darth Vader hate most? Sandtroopers. +13968,5,What is the opposite of a protein? An amateur teen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) +13969,1,Joke from a 7 year old This is from my 7 years old kid: What do you call a rabbit's poo? Disgusting carrot. +13970,5,"Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg. Paddy says, ""Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"" ""No bother,"" he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. ""Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."" ""Fuck off you liar!"" ""I'll prove it,"" Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, ""Both of them, Paddy?"" ""Of course, what's the use of fucking one?""" +13971,0,"The darkest joke ever. [It was the darkest joke ever, till you spoiled it by hovering, or highlighting or whatever the hell you did...](#s)" +13972,3,"Ladies, if a guy says he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it No need to remind him every six months about it" +13973,4,Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? For fingering A minor. +13974,2,"My high school English teacher was so mean! She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said ""Quick, name 2 pronouns!"" Startled, I looked at her and replied ""who, me?""" +13975,1,I'm not surprised Tiger Woods to get arrested for a DUI... ...he hasn't been driving straight since 2009. +13976,1,"Toast of the Night Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" Dave said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."" ""Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!"" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Francis O'Pope on the street corner. Francis chuckled leeringly and said, ""Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."" She said, ""Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.""" +13977,2,I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police It's called: Small Medium at Large +13978,1,Hitting on girls at the bar is like payday I never get the number I asked for. +13979,6,"A couple wants to have a quickie... ...but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what's going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing. He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. ""Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog."" he said. ""Oh! And the Alans are moving out."" he exclaimed. ""Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex."" The couple stops dead. ""How do you know the Johnsons are making love?"" said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, ""Because their kid is out on the balcony.""" +13980,2,"If 38 comes before 39, what comes after 40? back pain" +13981,1,My grandpa died in a concentration camp He got so drunk one night that he fell of a watch tower +13982,0,What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer +13983,5,I wish my Dad was the Terminator... ...because then he'd come back. +13984,1,"Girl: ""Daddy, why are you kicking the computer?"" Man: ""I'm trying to boot it up""" +13985,2,"Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics? Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States." +13986,7,"i wonder if... a receptionist at a sperm bank ever says ""thanks for coming""" +13987,4,With great reflexes... ...comes great response ability! +13988,2,"I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic What? Why are you expecting a “but”?" +13989,2,"All the screaming kids at work today, really made me miss the good old days. Back when they would work a 9-5 down at the local iron mill." +13990,1,"It only costs 1 penny to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping or dressed as a dolphin... So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!" +13991,3,A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night... They're Crystal Methodists. +13992,1,"Roses are red, violets ain't black Your mamma's chest, is as flat as her back. " +13993,2,My girlfriend finally agreed to a threesome! Can't wait to tell her about the other two girls I have in mind +13994,4,"Two brothers are arguing when their mother enters the room. The mother says, ‘Why are you two arguing?’ One son answers, ‘We found a £10 and decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.’ ‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ says the mother. ‘When I was your ages I didn’t even know what a lie was.’ The boys look at eachother and reluctantly hand the £10 note to their mother." +13995,0,Which Japanese monarch is recognized by Chinese but not by his own people? Nanking +13996,0,I asked my girlfriend if she would like to have a threesome. She asked who would be the third person and I said... I know the perfect guy. +13997,1,"Watson and Holmes are on a unusual case London has been struck by what the locals refer to as a mad pooper. His victims are found dead with fecal matter spread on their corpses. Everyone’s on edge, when another victim is found. Watson and Holmes are summoned to the scene, and after a few minutes, Watson exclaims to his partner, “you’re not gonna be happy but I think this is the work of a separate killer.” Holmes, confused about the possibility of another killer loose, asks, “how do you know that, Watson?” Watson, smugly says, “no shit, Sherlock.”" +13998,2,Why didn't princess Diana carry any cash? Who would like their purse to be full with pictures of their mother-in-law? +13999,0,I'm switching to a new Mexican restaurant. These Tac-hoes ain't loyal. +14000,2,I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me +14001,1,A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre The bartender gives it to her +14002,0,"What do you call a giant, green, bloated space alien? Super Kami Guru." +14003,1,What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with a agnostic and an insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog +14004,2,"I was going fishing with an American friend of mine. I asked him if he was going to bring his gun. - No, why would I? - he answered. - So, schools of fish don't count?" +14005,0,"John, Joe and Frank were travelling in an airplane when they crashed on an island They survive but are found by a group of cannibals. The cannibals tell them that if they don't want go be eaten, they have to explore the island and find ten fruits of one type. The friends immediately go out to search for fruits. A little while later John returns with 10 bananas, the cannibals tell him that he has to stuff all the bananas in his anus without making a noise in order to not be eaten. John began stuffing the bananas in his anus but after 2 bananas he couldn't help screaming, so the cannibals killed him and ate him. Next, Joe returned with 10 cranberries, he was told what he had to do, and he began stuffing the cranberries up his ass, he seemed to be putting them in without any trouble, but when he got to the 9th cranberry he just burst into laughter. The cannibal confused, told him he was about to be killed, but asked him why did he laugh when he only had 1 cranberry left. Joe told them "" I could endure the cranberries easily, but when I saw Frank coming over with 10 watermelons, I couldn't help it""." +14006,0,"When a politician enters the political race, you could say they are throwing their hat in the Trash. -side note - a student said this honestly when he didn't k ow the answer at a trivia based competition. All us adults got a really good laugh out of a 12 year old answering this." +14007,1,What did the cop say to the criminal salad? Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent. +14008,4,"The two at the gate... Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally. One of them suggested a nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag. But they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: ""One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U""..... He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a Church nearby, for the priest....................... ""Father, pls come with me . Come & witness God & satan sharing corpses at the cemetery""...... They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: ""One For Me, One For U, One For Me, One For U'............Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: ""What About The Two At The Gate?""..........." +14009,1,"How come when the government gives itself money, it’s called “fractional reserving,” But when I give myself money, it’s called “theft,” “embezzlement,” and “fraud”?" +14010,2,Met a girl in a bar last night. She had named her tits “church” & “state”. I came between them. +14011,4,How does a mummy attract a mate? Pharaoh moans. +14012,0,My dad beats me with a hanger everyday. He almost left me hanging today. +14013,0,What's Hitler's favorite board game? Nazi! +14014,0,What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed? Hi sugar +14015,1,"Husband Wife at night Husband sent a text to wife at night, “Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.” He sent another text, “I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in My salary at the end of month I’m getting u a new car” She text back, “Omg really?” Husband Replied: “No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st msg." +14016,7,My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years! Never knew he was a barber +14017,0,"Studies say 1 in 4 males are gay... I'm not sure who in my friends group it is but I sure hope it's Michael, he's super cute." +14018,7,A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot. The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals. +14019,1,What did the sailor say to the prostitute? It was a business doing pleasure with you. +14020,2,They call me Oedipus Rex... Caus I'm a motherfucking dinosaur. +14021,0,"How does Earvin Johnson survive after being diagnosed with aids? I guess you could say he has a ""magic johnson""" +14022,1,Incest... A game the whole family can play! +14023,0,What's the most metal fast food joint? Dimmu Burgir King +14024,4,PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately! It's made out of mole asses +14025,2,"[NSFW] A drunk, a chain smoker, and a gay sex addict walk into the doctor's office. Heard this one in middle school. A drunk, a chain smoker, and a gay sex addict walk into a doctor's office. After their consultation they all end up chatting at the bus stop and find that the doc told them all that they will die if they indulge in their addiction one more time. After a few minutes go by, the drunk starts shaking and scratching. He says ""That can't be true, right? It's ridiculous! I'm having a drink!"" so he walks over to the bar across the street and orders a shot. In a single motion, he raised his shot glass to his lips, tilts his head back, downs the shot, and then falls back onto the floor dead. The chain smoker and gay sex addict are surprised and saddened but after a few more minutes go by, the chain smoker starts shaking and scratching. He spots a half-smoked cigarette on the ground and can't take his eyes off of it. He yells ""This is ridiculous! I'm having that cigarette!"" but before he could reach it the sex addict stops him and says ""If you bend over and grab that cigarette we're both gonners!"" On an unrelated note, how do i get to the community info and side bar from the app? It's not where it used to be. " +14026,3,My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire. +14027,1,What's the opposite of progress? Congress. +14028,0,"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." +14029,4,In America dogs are K9. In China dogs are E10. +14030,1,"A young whale asks his father: ""Dad, how did I come to this world?"" The father, thinking his son is now old enough to know about how whales mate, answers ""Well, son, I put my penis in your mother's vagina, we had sex and I ejaculated in her."" The son, took a bit back by the vulgarity of the answer, but at least satisfied with his curiosity says ""Oh. Well... thanks!"" ""You're whale cum!""" +14031,4,"A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ""What's up?"" he asks. ""I'm having a heart attack!"" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, ""Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"" He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor. ""You bastard,"" says the husband. ""My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"" " +14032,0,You guys ever ask your wife to add 420 to your 69? Mine got 489. +14033,3,Anyone else get the feeling their being watched? NSA: They’re. +14034,2,Know any jokes about Sodium? Na +14035,4,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints! +14036,0,"I was taking a nap when my friend decided to stand on top of me and urinate As you can imagine, I was pissed off " +14037,2,"A girl and boy are at a party. The girl asks for a drink. The boy promptly gets her one and she says “Wow, that was fast.” He responds “There was no punchline.”" +14038,1,Why was the skeleton alone at prom? Because he had no body to go with! +14039,1,How many /r/The_Donald moderators does it take to change a lightbulb You have been banned from /r/The_Donald for this submission... +14040,1,What do you call a Chinese lobster? A Crust-Asian +14041,0,What do you call a migraine in a man? A mangraine +14042,0,Have you heard the news about Roxette lead singer dead? These are very Unnecessary. +14043,2,"It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and ""smooth it out.""..... Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down." +14044,2,"Can I help you! A blind guy walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, lifts him up and starts swinging the dog around. Clerk runs over to the guy and asks if he can help. “No, just looking”" +14045,0,In ww2 five germans walk into a bar None survived +14046,0,Life is hard But if Life is hard for more than 4 hours Life should seek medical assistance. +14047,3,Why are native Americans such good strippers? Every time they dance they make it rain. +14048,2,What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ? Cancer. +14049,2,"A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, ""What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?""" +14050,0,"Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey... ...along came a spider that sat down beside her and said, ""what's in the bowl, bitch?"" This is not a new joke i just heard it from an old video of Andrew Dice Clay my question is whats funny about it i dont get it, maybe is contextual but i look it up and all i can find is that is older than the camedian who i heard it from. Can someone explain this one to me please. Thanks in advance" +14051,1,The Flat Earth Society held it's annual conference in Antarctica this year... ... but attendance fell off. +14052,2,Why do we drink apple juice? Because OJ will kill you! +14053,0,There was an earthquake in North Korea It was kim jong un-expected +14054,3,How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nun. I'll^hear^myself^out... EDIT: Formatting +14055,0,What is the worst part of having sex with a 4 year old? Getting the blood out of the clown costume can be such a bitch +14056,1,A was addicted to the hokey pokey Until I turned myself around. +14057,0,"Fred durst and the Cookie Monster Fred Durst and the Cookie Monster are drinking late into the evening at a dive bar. They finally arrived at the moment most drunks get philosophical. The Cookie Monster asked Fred Durst why he did everything. Fred replied ""I did it all for the nookie"". Fred asked Cookie Monster the same he replied "" I did it all for the cookie""." +14058,2,Why Can't You Tell Kurt Cobain a Secret? Because he's always shooting his mouth off. +14059,4,What do Santa and Bill Cosby have in common? They only come when you're sleeping. +14060,1,How does a rhino order its eggs? Poached. +14061,2,"A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”" +14062,2,"A guy finds a Genie bottle sure enough a Genie pops out and says ""you get three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double"" Guy says ""fine, whatever for my first wish I want a beautiful mansion in Hawaii"" Genie says ""you got it, but now your ex-wife has two"" Guy says ""yeah, whatever, for my next wish I want 10 billion dollars tax free"" Genie says ""you got it, but now your ex-wife has 20 billion tax free dollars, what's your third and final wish?"" The guy thinks for a bit then says ""I know, I want you to beat me half to death!""" +14063,2,I was so close to a threesome last night... I was only missing 2 people +14064,1,"Tax Man (long) One morning, a man got a call from the IRS. IRS Agent: ""Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."" Mr Smith: ""Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"" IRS Agent: ""That probably wouldn't be a bad idea, Mr. Smith."" Mr. Smith: ""Okay, I can be there at 9AM on Monday."" IRS Agent: ""Perfect, we will see you then."" Monday comes and Mr. Smith is at the IRS office with his lawyer. IRS agent: ""Good morning, Mr. Smith. We have noticed some large fluctuations in your account. As little as $5000 and as much as $100,000. Can you explain this? Are you a gambler?"" Mr. Smith: ""No, sir. I'm not a gambler per se, but I will bet on anything."" The IRS agent is thoroughly confused by this. Mr. Smith: ""Sir, I can see you are puzzled by what I just said. Allow me to show you what I mean."" IRS Agent: ""Okay"" Mr. Smith: ""I will bet you $5000 that I can bite my own eyeball. The IRS agent thinks about it for a minute, and checks Mr. Smiths' bank statements. ""$5000?"" Mr. Smith: ""Yes."" IRS Agent: ""Deal."" Mr Smith shakes the agents hand, stands up, and smacks himself on the back of his head and his eyeball pops out. He then puts the fake eye in his mouth and bites it. The IRS agent is PISSED. IRS Agent: ""That's not fair! You set me up!"" Mr. Smith: ""Okay, sir how about double or nothing that I can bite my other eye?"" IRS Agent looks around the room for a second and thinks to himself ""He didn't come in with a dog, he doesn't have a cane, and his layer was not assisting him when he walked in."" IRS Agent: ""Double or nothing? $10,000?. Mr. Smith: ""Yes, sir."" IRS Agent: ""Okay."" They shake hands again. Mr Smith stands up, grabs his false teeth and jams them into his other eye socket. IRS agent is turning beet red at this point. Mr. Smith: ""I'm sure by this point, sir, you are very upset. I will pose you one last bet if you wish."" IRS Agent: ""Well then, lets hear it."" Mr. Smith: ""I will bet you triple or nothing that I can stand in that corner by your desk, put your trashcan in the opposite corner, and piss into the can without spilling a drop. $30,000. Triple or nothing."" IRS agent thinks ""No way in hell he will win this one, that's physically impossible!"" IRS Agent: ""You're on!"" They shake hands for the last time. Mr. Smith stands up, and his lawyer helps him to the corner. The Lawyer takes the trash can and puts it across the room. Mr. Smith drops his pants and start peeing ALL OVER the IRS Agents' desk. IRS Agent: ""I knew it there was no way in hell you could do that one!"" And he starts dancing around the office. He notices the lawyer is sitting in the chair with his hands over his face, and it looks like he's crying. IRS Agent: ""What's you damn problem? I just won $30,000!"" The Lawyer looks up at him and mutters ""Yea, but he bet me a $100,000 retainer that he could piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it.""" +14065,2,"If you have sex with the mother of your children, you’re a motherfucker... If you have sex with the children of your mother you’re in Alabama." +14066,2,"Amputate? Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection. Shall I schedule the surgery? Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no." +14067,4,"Peanut. The husband is sitting on the couch eating peanuts, throwing them into the air and catching them in his mouth. His wife calls out to him from the kitchen. Just as he tosses one into the air, he turns his head and the peanut goes into his ear. As he is trying to get it out, he just keeps pushing it further in. Wife asks ""what are you doing?"" Husband says ""I've got a peanut stuck in my ear and I can't get it out"". So the wife's up on the couch having a shot. Meanwhile the daughter comes through the door with her new boyfriend and asks ""whats going on?"" Mum says ""dad's got a peanut stuck in his ear and we can't get it out"" The boyfriend say's ""I can fix that, I'll stick my two fingers up your nose and when I do that - blow"". So the fingers go up the nose, he blows and the peanut flies across the room. There was nothing but praise for lad. Anyway, the daughter and the boyfriend leave and the wife says ""What a wonderful lad, I wonder what he is going to be when he gets older"". The husband say's ""By the smell of his fingers, I'm pretty sure he's going to be our son in-law. """ +14068,1,Shout out Shout-out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is. +14069,0,"On my first day in prison my cellmate said to me... ""If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either.""" +14070,1,I am not fat... I am just horizontally challenged ... or gravitationally significant. +14071,3,"Since today is a palindrome, wanted to share with everyone my favorite one. The word nothing, spelled backwards is gnihton, which also means nothing. Edit: just realized the next 10 days are a palindromes" +14072,1,"What did 50 cent say to his grandmother who gave him a homemade sweater? Gee, you knit? " +14073,5,"For the Love of Tractors So there's this guy who reaaaally loves tractors. He had tractor toys, he read tractor weekly, he has tractor posters on his wall.... the works. He spent all his time consumed with tractors. So naturally, his mother got worried. She convinced him to go to the local bar to try and meet someone. So he reluctantly goes to the bar and, miraculously, he finds a woman who loves tractors too. (Not as much as him, though because NO-ONE loves tractors as much as this guy). But he meets this girl who loves tractors enough to stimulate him, intellectually. So fast forward a couple of months and this guy brings his girlfriend to the local field to watch the tractors go by during the sunset. He proposes to her and she says yes. Then they both fall asleep in the field and he has a dream that a tractor was coming to run over him. He wakes and there is a tractor coming towards him! He quickly rolls away but his fiancée gets run over and killed. He is obviously devastated and swears never to even look at a tractor ever again. So he tears down all his posters and spends all his time in his room, alone and depressed for a few weeks until his mother, again intervenes and gets him to go to the local pub again. When he arrives, the pub is on fire! He rushes in and takes a deep breath, sucking in all the fire and smoke. The firemen immediately ask him how he did it. ""I'm an ex-tractor fan.""" +14074,2,A lot of people cry when they cut onions.. The trick is not to form an emotional bond. +14075,6,My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me. His record is 20 years and still counting. +14076,0,"The olympics are just like /r/Jokes The main part is always the same, the only thing that changes is the commentary" +14077,1,"Why is it OK to call someone ""mate"", but not prime mate?" +14078,1,What’s the female equivalent of “Movember”? Junt. +14079,1,What kind of murderer has moral fiber? A cereal killer +14080,4,What's the difference between a dollar and the Dallas Cowboys? A dollar is good for four quarters. +14081,1,Why did the big ball of hydrogen and helium give Harvey Weinstein a blowjob? Because he said he would make her a star! +14082,0,What happened to the man who had sex with the mountain dew? he got lemon lime disease +14083,5,"Little Johnny Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. ""Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer,"" his mother reminded him. ""I don't have to."" the little boy replied. ""Of course you do."" His mother insisted. ""We say a prayer before eating at our house"" ""That's at our house,"" Johnny explained, ""but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!""" +14084,1,"A beautiful girl is standing on the edge of a bridge A beautiful girl is standing on the edge of a bridge about to jump off when a homeless comes up and asks if he could have sex with her before she jumps. She looks at him in disgust and swears him off. The man replied"" that's fine I'll just wait for you down there""" +14085,0,Yo mumma so dumb... ...she learns for a drug test. +14086,3,I like my rape jokes how I like my rape victims... Not taken seriously. +14087,2,It was a terrible summer for humpty dumpty But he had a great fall +14088,0,I'm an 8 day old fetus And I believe music from the olden days is better than today's shit. +14089,1,"Have Uganda Africa yet? Nah, but I was Ghana do that." +14090,3,What's grosser than gross? Having a dream you're eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass. +14091,3,How to start a fight on Internet in two steps 1. Express your opinion. 2. Wait. +14092,2,A missile wasn't fired... But someone in civil defense sure will be. +14093,0,Trump No further detail is needed. +14094,1,What happens when a man of jewish descent runs into a wall with an erection? He breaks his nose. +14095,0,"A blond goes to the doctor 'Everything looks fine miss.', 'And, I guess you have been taking your 9oclock pill?' 'I took them at 6oclock.' 'Why?' 'I wanted to surprise the bacteria.'" +14096,3,"If you want to get a girl's attention, just compliment them Like: Wow! You're a fast runner. Almost got away! Credits: Jimmy Carr" +14097,0,A dog is brought to a vet to get shots. The dog is now autistic. +14098,7,As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes +14099,1,Why do people hate reposts? Because all of Reddit Reddit already +14100,1,"My mom just told me I was knighted at birth! Apparently, I was “Ser Cumcised.”" +14101,4,"I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, ""What're you supposed to be!?"" I replied, ""Fuck knows."" " +14102,0,"John need Taxi John: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. Steve: Yes, sir. You are a taxi" +14103,0,"Two fish are in a tank. After a while one of them asks the other ""How do you drive this thing?""" +14104,1,How do you make a cat go woof? Cover it in petrol and throw on a match. +14105,1,What's Ice Cubes least favorite sandwich? A melt +14106,0,I was having a discussion about the derivatives of velocity with my friend. He insulted me so I said... ...don't be d^3x/dt^3. +14107,0,Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle? A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. +14108,3,A German man walks into a bar... mitzvah and arrests every body. +14109,0,My Grandpa has really bad diabetes He already has one foot in the grave. +14110,5,As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday. +14111,2,I use to really like phone sex But the phones just keep getting bigger and bigger +14112,0,"What do we say when your wife is pregnant with another man? Abort mission, abort mission!" +14113,3,"Free broken puppet! No hidden fees, free shipping, free returns. There's... no strings attached." +14114,0,How do you tell if a vampire is sick? Because of this coffin. +14115,0,Why can't you trust animals with six legs? Because they are in sects +14116,1,"A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch... The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin. ""You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"" The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, ""Oh no! Is it midnight already!?""" +14117,1,Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat. +14118,3,What do you call a Vicar on a motorbike? Rev +14119,1,"My girlfriend is so fat, she is two in a million." +14120,0,If one a million dollars in lottery... I would buy all the lottery tickets again. +14121,0,"A man is feeling homesick from being away from his town for so long. He decided to recreate the things he did back there, so he went to the bar and said, “I’ll take the regular please.” The bartender says, “...Who the fuck are you?”" +14122,2,"I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death... I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?" +14123,6,"Looks like you're pregnant says the doctor -""I'm pregnant?"" replies the woman cheerfully -""No, it just looks like you are""" +14124,3,Who put semen in the basement? I don't know. That's just the way it's spelled. +14125,0,Two people walk into a bar The third person ducks +14126,2,Historians are torn as to whether or not Hitler had a favorite date Some say that he vehemently denied having one while others say it was 9/9/99 +14127,3,Your Momma is like Communism no class +14128,0,The lochness monster comes knocking on your door and asks... Can I get tree fiddy? +14129,3,So I used a blunt pencil yesterday... It was pointless. +14130,4,"A man walks into a bar with his dog A man walks into a bar with his dog. He orders a drink, and the patron next to him strikes up a conversation. ""Hey, that's a pretty sweet dog. What's his name?"" ""Oh, it's Georgie. And you have no idea. This dog can actually talk,"" responds his owner. The patron decides to call his bluff. ""Oh, bull shit. Here, I'll make you a bet. If your dog can talk I'll give you $1000 on the spot."" So the dog's owner takes him up on it. He kneels down next to his dog and asks him a question. ""Georgie, tell me: who's the best baseball player of all time?"" The dog immediately barks ""Ruth! Ruth!"" The patron rolls his eyes. ""Fuck you and your bullshit. You're not getting a penny from me,"" he shouts, walking away. The owner shrugs and looks down at his dog. The dog looks back up and says ""DiMaggio?""" +14131,2,"A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?” The lawyer responds: “I charge $2,000 to answer three questions.” “Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?” “Yes. What’s your third question?”" +14132,2,"Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in." +14133,0,"Why did your mom iron your pants, when she'd said she wouldn't? She was being ironic." +14134,0,Why did the agnostic chicken cross the road? There wasn't enough evidence to find out for sure. +14135,3,What did the average student at The University of Alabama get on their SAT test? Drool..... +14136,1,"Theres only three buisnesses that refer to their customers as users. Software, porn, and drug dealing" +14137,0,"The answer to the math question continues to confound Julius... Being a Roman, no matter how he tries to solve the algebra problem, X always equals 10." +14138,0,What does the Male Pornstar who does the most anal call his penis? Weapon of ass destruction. +14139,3,"A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student. The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string. Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string. The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is. The kid picks up and says, ""Oh, sorry man, I got a gig...""" +14140,1,"If George Washington Carver became a teacher, what would his nickname be? The Nutty Professor" +14141,2,"A priest is in the middle of the ocean and refuses help from ships that are near because he believes that God is going to help him. When he dies, he ends up in Heaven and sees God. He asks: ""Why didn't you help me, God?"" God replies: ""What do you mean? I sent so many ships to help you!""" +14142,1,The identity jokes are not always obvious but when they are - they are. +14143,2,"A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life (NSFW) The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this? The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!" +14144,0,Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even +14145,10,I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex He’s a small arms dealer. +14146,1,What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean. R. Kelly’s never been arrested for having an underage garbanzo bean on him before. +14147,0,Your mom so flat She might be 2D. +14148,0,Right now there's speculations as to whether Chris Christie will be part of the cabinet.... .... or stealing snacks from it. +14149,0,Recent twist on and old fucked up favorite What do you call a someone who can swim faster than Brock Turner? A virgin. +14150,0,"A white guy caught out in the rain manages to find shelter at a Vet Clinic. He walks in, sniffs, and says, ""it smells like wet dog in here. Did you let the dogs run around outside?"" ""No,"" the receptionist replies. ""We actually don't have any dogs here at the moment, that smell is you."" Lol" +14151,1,"Three friends go a halloween costume party.. They're greeted at the door by the host. ""Okay, so we have Steve Irwin, a zombie\\- wait, why are you just in you underwear?"" ""I'm premature ejaculation; I've come in my pants""" +14152,1,A friend asked how i like living in Oklahoma... I told him it was OK. +14153,2,Mistakes I told my mum to embrace her mistakes. So She hugged me +14154,2,I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is But he sure loves to paint pictures of my parents fighting +14155,2,Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little...space... +14156,0,How many whales could fuck a cruise ship? Only your mom +14157,1,"A man walks up to a fisherman, asking for an eel A man walked up to a fisherman, asking for an eel to purchase. The fisherman says that he needs not any payment, but will give him an eel for free if he listens to a joke of his. The man thinks this a good deal, so he accepts. The fisherman then proceeds to tell the man one of the best jokes, which fittingly was about an eel, that he has ever heard. The man simply could not stop laughing, and afterwards, he was given the eel from the fisherman, and he goes home. ​ For the rest of the day, he simply could not stop thinking about the joke he was told. So later that day, he tries to find that fisherman, to hear another joke, but he never could find the man. He asked around, but he was then told that fisherman had passed away. Upset over this news, he asked a boy who was sitting behind a shop, if he knew where he could find another eel joke. The boy, surprisingly, said ""I hear that some of the funniest jokes in town are always told in the commons of the town hall."" Excited by this news, the man goes up to the town hall, enters the commons, and asks the first person he sees if he knew a joke about eels. He gets told yet another eel joke, and this one was even funnier. He is extremely surprised that someone would have known such a specific form of joke, and he asks the man how he knew such a joke. The man then responds: ""The eel jokes are always in the commons.""" +14158,0,They should rename the star of the newly discovered solar system with earth like exoplanets Peter Dinklage Because it's an ultracool dwarf star +14159,2,The Russian President: At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin Taking a selfie: Vladimir Feelin' Cutin Passing gas: Vladimir Putin I’ll see myself out. +14160,2,There’s no I in team But there are 5 in ‘individual brilliance’ +14161,0,"“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs. But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting. “Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.” But on he worked." +14162,1,I burn really easily in the sun. *on +14163,3,"A bunch of stoners were tasked with the job of inventing a new sport... The result was just a bunch of misshapen llamas playing football. When they asked the group of stoners why they decided this to be the new sport, they replied ""we were just sitting there in silence for a long time and then someone said ""alpaca bowl""""" +14164,8,They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier. +14165,3,What do you call the useless piece is skin on the end of the penis? The man. +14166,1,Did you hear about the fire truck at the rappers party? It was all about bitches and hose +14167,5,I just bought some 12 year old scotch Her parents weren't too happy with it though +14168,1,"An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. ""I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."" The accountant said, ""I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds."" The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, ""How do you start a flood?""" +14169,0,Why'd the chicken cross the road To get to the idiots house. Knock knock? Who's there? The chicken +14170,1,"A pedophile and a small boy are walking through the woods at night... ... and the boy cannot stop crying. The pedophile looks down at the boy and says, ""Why are you scared? I'M the one who has to walk out of here alone."" (for those who laughed, see you in hell)" +14171,0,What's the best cheese to use to get a bear out of the woods? camembert +14172,0,How'd the leprochaun get a tan? Cirrhosis. +14173,1,What's the first thing Cinderella did when she got to the ball? She gagged. +14174,2,Someone I matched with on Tinder asked why I have an unlit cigarette as my pfp I told her I was looking for matches +14175,0,"My company is organizing a ""fun"" activities for the new year. I signed up for the 401K but I don't think I can run that far." +14176,6,"I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5 She asked ""what's that?"" I said ""it's like 69 but you do all the work""" +14177,0,"A mother has recently been having trouble with her newborn child... After several days and long nights of constant crying the mother snaps and screams ""This is driving me crazy! I don't know how anyone can take this much crying!"" Her husband sitting next to her replies, ""Maybe you should feed him with a bottle instead of naturally."" The woman, an avid supporter of the natural process, is shocked he would even suggest that and angrily says ""Why would I ever do that??"" The husband looks at her sideways and says, ""If you can't handle him at his worst, you don't deserve him at the breast.""" +14178,0,"The oldest conputer can be traced back to Adam and Eve It was an apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte, Then everything crashed." +14179,0,What species of fish is the most skilled in magic? The marlin +14180,2,"Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, great service but no atmosphere." +14181,1,Why did the folk singer bring a notebook to battle of the bands? He heard that paper beats rock. +14182,1,Math joke Where do math acronyms go to get their furniture? BEDMAS and beyond. +14183,10,"A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”" +14184,1,Cow jokes **What do you call a three legged cow?** *Tri tip* **What do you call a cow with no legs?** *Ground beef* **What do you call a masturbating cow?** *Beef Stroganoff* +14185,3,"A boy asks his dad for a drink of water... After being put to bed a boy calls to his father from his room, ""Dad, will you bring me a glass of water?"" The father was already in bed himself so he answered that the boy would be fine and he should go back to bed. There was about a 5 minute pause and then the boy called out again asking for water. The father replied in the same way. After another 5 min the boy called out again with the same request. The father, getting annoyed, replied back, "" No, you're fine. Go to sleep and if you ask again I'm going to come in there and spank you."" There was about a 10 minute pause this time before the boy called out again, ""Dad, when you come in here to spank me will you bring me a glass of water?""" +14186,1,Math is just like relationships It's only functional if the X's don't repeat. +14187,0,Why are all vaginas Jewish? Because they all have labia minora. +14188,0,"My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can't get a job. So he is paying more to get a PhD, so he can work teaching other people egyptology. In his case, college is literally a pyramid scheme." +14189,1,Why did the blonde throw out all her rings? She read that Juuls can kill you. +14190,1,Just bought a new vacuum! It fucking sucks. +14191,2,"The number kingdom An evil king, named 121, ruled over his kingdom with an iron fist. He demanded taxation of all his people, each week every family would bring him 2. And each week his strength grew. From 121 to 123, 123 to 125, 127, 129, all the way to 2057183, until he was the strongest in the land. Until one week, the son of a poor farmer came to him. ""My lord, I am the last of my line. My family has withered and starved, and I am all that remains. Please accept my offering in taxes, this is all I can give."" The boy was only able to give the king 1. The evil king, shocked, had the guards take him away. He would decide what to do with him later. Would he get mad? No. He would get even." +14192,1,"Bruce Lee: “flow like water, you understand” Me: “water you saying?”" +14193,1,"An Arab is on fire crawling in the desert. The Arab is saying, ""Water. Water. Water."" He finds a Jewish tie salesman. He says to the tie salesman, ""Water."" The tie salesman says, ""I don't have any water, I got a tie, you wanna buy a tie?"" The Arab says, ""No. I need water!"" Salesman says, ""40 miles west there's an inn, they have water there."" The Arab leaves and crawls toward the inn 40 miles west. He crawls back 3 days later and his face is on fire saying, ""Water. Water."" The Jewish salesman said, ""Didn't you get any water at the inn?"" Arab says, ""No, they wouldn't let me in without a tie.""" +14194,1,What’s the difference between needles for inflation and needles for steroids? One makes balls bigger +14195,0,"Paraplegic joke 2 paraplegic guys meet and one asks: ""Hey, you got New brakes?"" the other replied ""No, infantile paralysis.""" +14196,1,"Man with a beard 100 years ago : “OK, I’ll go chop down some trees.”   Man with a beard now: “I found a great face mask that’s gluten-free.”" +14197,1,Do you know why God made snakes before he made lawyers? He needed the practice +14198,2,Why did Paul Walker cross the street? He wasn't wearing a seat belt -my friend ben +14199,0,"Facing charges for attacking a man on New Years Eve.. Well, excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten." +14200,1,I challenged Superman to a fight. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside. +14201,0,I had the BEST joke to post on reddit.... But Amy Schumer stole it. +14202,1,"A Redditor walked into a bar. A Redditor walked into a bar an ordered a drink, then started to make a joke. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t allow reposts here” The Redditor replied “Repost? It’s not even funny!”" +14203,0,Whats brown and hairy and is between a policemens legs? a police dog +14204,1,Why did the window cleaner dislike his job? It was a pane in the ass. +14205,0,What did Paul McCartney say to the leper?? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song!!! +14206,5,"A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel.. ...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oy vey,"" said the father. ""What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."" So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, ""Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."" The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, ""Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel...""" +14207,0,Fruity Traffic What did the berry say to the slow driving pit fruit? Come on man-go +14208,2,Apple CEO Tim Cook says he came out of the closet 'to prove you can be gay and do big jobs.' I thought Big Jobs died in 2011. +14209,2,Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA. That was a terrible pun. I falafel. +14210,2,What do you call 6.022x10^23 butts? Molasses +14211,0,"I love 3 things. The Spongebob Movie, making references to the Spongebob Movie, and some other third thing." +14212,4,"Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other, “Isn’t it dark down here?” The other blonde replies, “I don’t know, I can’t see anything.”" +14213,4,"Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading “I can’t take the critism anymore.” She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him. As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally “my dear…that’s NOT how you spell criticism!” " +14214,1,What's the smallest bone in a goats body? A terrorists dick +14215,4,A girl at my work is going to be having a baby. I haven't decided which one yet though. +14216,5,"I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what. It's my new year resolution. " +14217,0,"I want to open a bread shop in a gym. I'll call it ""Sick Grains""" +14218,4,What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller. +14219,4,Scientists have announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. So that pushes women down to third place. +14220,5,"Make the horse laugh A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money next to a horse stall The man goes over to the bartender and asks what the set up is for. ""You pay five bucks to go into the stall where the horse is, and if you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the jar. ""Easy"" the man says. He puts five dollars in the jar, walks up to the horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse starts cracking up. The man takes the money and leaves. A week later, the man goes back to the bar, where they have the same set up. ""Same bet?"" The man asks. ""No, this time you have to make the horse cry"" ""Even easier"" the man says. So he puts five bucks in the jar, walks up to the horse, and the horse starts crying. The man is about to take the money and run, but the bartender stops him. ""OK, first, how'd you get the horse to laugh?"" And the man says ""I told him I had a bigger dick than he did."" ""And how'd you get the horse to cry?"" The bartender asks. ""I showed him."" " +14221,1,"When pinguins fly, you are probably drowning. " +14222,5,"Two chemists walk into a bar... The first chemist says ""I'll have some H20"" The second chemist says, ""I'll have some H20 as well."" The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails." +14223,0,Why is your shit tapered? So your ass doesn't close with a bang. +14224,0,"The definition of definetly Teacher address's a class by asking the following ""who can give me a story using the word definetly right ?"" Jimmy raises his hand ""my dad is definitely going to take me to the movies tonight sir"" the teacher replies ""no Jim, your dad might take you to the movies, it may snow, he may lose his wallet"" ""Anyone else ?"" Lisa replies ""I am definitely riding my bike home from school today"" teacher replies ""no Lisa, you may have a flat tyre, or loose the keys to your bike lock"" ""Come on someone must have a good answer"" Tommy raises his hand nervously ""miss ? Are farts watery ?"" Teacher replies ""rude Tommy ! But no why ?"" ""Well I've definitely shat myself""" +14225,0,What happens when Lindsey Vonn crashes into the fence? She becomes Vonn-Trapped! (I tried) +14226,4,"It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution... And 1 generation since I fucked your mom. Just like you, progress is slow." +14227,2,My wife asked me if she was the only one I had slept with and I said yes. I stayed awake the whole night with the rest of them. +14228,4,I always used to lick the bowl clean. Until mum told me to flush it like everyone else. +14229,5,"Wife asked to take clothes off Walked into the bedroom and the wife said ""Take off my shoes"" So i did ""Take off my skirt"" So i did ""Take off my bra and panties"" So i did Then she said to me, ""stop wearing my fucking clothes"" So I did" +14230,0,Next mother fucker who posts about net neutrality Is gonna pay +14231,1,You know that black guy who runs fast? I can't quite remember his name. You sayin Bolt? +14232,1,What do you get when you jack off a pig? Pulled pork. +14233,0,What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby? The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood. +14234,1,"A blonde, red head, and brunette robbed a bank... ... And were running from the cops on foot. They turned down an alley, which turned to be a dead end. Hearing the pursuing officers foot steps close behind, they each saw a garbage can, and jumped in to hide. The cops turned the corner, and saw nothing but the trash cans. 'well, they didn't just disappear! They may be hiding, check those trash cans!' One officer kicked the closest can, containing the brunette. The brunette then said 'bark! Bark!', and the cop assumed a stray dog was in the trash can. Another officer kicked the next trash can, containing the red head. The red head then said, 'meow! Meow!', and the cop assumed a stray cat was in the trash can. The lead officer then approached the last garbage can, and gave it a swift kick, from which they heard 'potato'." +14235,2,How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer. +14236,1,"What did the DNA say to the other DNA? ""Do these genes make me look fat?""" +14237,1,I heard Pokemon can get drunk too. They just Electabuzz. +14238,6,"A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early... ""Quick, hide!"" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. ""Sure is dark in here."" ""Indeed it is,"" the man responds. ""I have a baseball,"" says the boy. ""That's nice,"" he says. ""I'll sell it to you for $50."" ""$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son."" ""Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?"" ""Tell you what, you have yourself a deal,"" says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. ""Sure is dark in here,"" says the boy. ""Oh, it's you again."" ""I have a baseball glove."" ""Alright, how much do you want for it?"" ""$700."" ""$700? That's absurd!"" ""Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?"" ""Alright, alright, $700,"" so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, ""Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around."" The boy says, ""I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove."" ""For how much?"" he asks. ""$750."" ""$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession."" They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. ""Sure is dark in here,"" he says. The priest says, ""Don't start that shit again.""" +14239,1,Google just bought Uber. They are going to rename the company Goober. +14240,2,What’s the difference between dirt and miracle grow? Not mulch +14241,3,Your mommas so ugly Her blowjobs count as anal +14242,1,What's Masturbinho's favorite drink? Fappucino. +14243,1,My mom told me that the world doesn't revolve around me I guess I'm not her son +14244,8,"So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers... ... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. ""What a bunch of idiots,"" the mathematicians said. ""When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, ""Tickets please."" The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, ""Tickets please."" They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. ""That's brilliant!"" The mathematicians exclaimed. ""We should do that on our way home!"" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! ""What a bunch of idiots,"" the mathematicians said. ""What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train."" On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, ""Tickets please."" All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, ""Tickets please.""" +14245,0,What do you call a vicar's parrot? A bird of pray +14246,1,"Man in the Woods A naked old man stumbled out of the woods on the side of a dirt road. I stopped to see if he was alright. Me: ""Hey sir, you doing alright?"" Him: ""I'm fine. What's it to ya?"" Me: ""Just curious. What brought you all the way out here?"" Him: ""Just huntin and fuckin"" Me: ""...what are you hunting?"" Him: ""Something to fuck...""" +14247,2,"Some Kids Are Just Nuts... In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them. The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said: \\- You're putting the wrong boot! The teacher looked at it, noticed her mistake and took off the boot to put it again. After putting on the first boot and starting to put the other one, the kid said: \\- Do you know these boots are not mine? The teacher stopped putting the second boot, then she took off the first one. She asked: \\- If they aren't yours, whose are the boots? \\- They're my brother's! My mom forced me to bring them! The teacher began to put on the boots again. After she got really tired, she could finally do it. She said: \\- I'm done with the boots, where are your gloves? \\- I put them in the boots!" +14248,4,I was going to post a really long joke about a mythical fire breathing animal But it'd drag on. +14249,1,Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy? Cause it’s a nut job +14250,3,What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. +14251,3,At what age do you think it’s appropriate... ...to tell a highway it’s adopted? +14252,0,Hundreds of thousands of people are planning to raid Area 51 to prove the existence of aliens... I did my own investigation and found them * At the parking lot of Home Depot * At the border * Cutting my neighbor's lawn +14253,0,Lamborghini should design a station wagon It would be called the Hearse-ielago +14254,1,"[Long] A guy wanted to lose weight There's a guy. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a fat slob, but one day decides that he's going to turn things around and start getting in shape. So he sees an ad for a new workout program, and calls the number. The operator agrees to start him off with a one-month trial of their lowest level program, and tells Bob to be ready to go running first thing in the morning, and someone will be out to his house. So first thing in the morning, hes all dressed and ready, and hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Just eye-poppingly gorgeous. She's wearing a T-shirt that reads ""If you catch me, you can have me"". And without a word, she takes off running. Well Bob takes off after her. He chases her several blocks before he's just to tired to continue and collapses on the pavement. After a bit to catch his breath, he gets up and realizes she's long gone, and he doesn't even know which way she went, so he just has to go home. The next day, there's another knock on his door. Same girl, same T-shirt, same drill as before. He still doesn't catch her, but he gets a few blocks farther before he's forced to stop. This process is repeated for the whole month, and while Bob never manages to catch up to her, he does lose a lot of weight trying. After the last session, he gets a phone call from the program, asking how his trial month went, and if he'd like to try the next-level program. It's a more strenuous program, not for the faint of heart, but if Bob wants to give it a go, they'll let him try it. Bob, decides to give it a shot. Next morning, there's a knock on the door. It's a new girl with the same T-shirt, so beautiful that she makes the previous one look like a snaggle-toothed hag by comparison. The sort of woman Bob didn't even think could really exists. She flashes him a quick smile that makes his heart melt and takes off running even faster than the first girl. Bob chases after her even harder and more determined than before, and manages to keep up with her for several miles before falling out. Like before, this continues on for the whole month, Bob getting more in shape and managing to run further and faster each time. The last day of the month comes by, and Bob is ready and waiting. By this time, he's a lean, mean running machine. He gets up before dawn to warm up and stretch, eat a good breakfast, and make sure he's well hydrated. So when that knock on the door comes, it's off to the races. The girl takes off at a dead sprint, but Bob follows right on her heels. She runs up and down every street in town, mile after mile, juking and weaving and doing everything she can to lose Bob, but Bob is in shape now and keeps right on her heels. All day he chases her around town, and then, after running a virtual marathon around town, he finally catches her, and he has her. So Bob is feeling pretty good about himself now. He's gone from a fat slob that no woman would give the time of day to to a stud that's banging supermodels. But he wonders if this is really as far as he can go. So he calls up the number and asks if there's any other programs. The salesman hesitates before answering, then tells him that yes, they do have one more level of program, but it's only for the *most* dedicated clients and he doesn't really think it's suitable for Bob. But Bob is pretty self-confident now, so he insists. After a while, he eventually gets the salesman to relent sign him up for the top level program. Morning comes, and Bob hears a knock on the door. Given that he'd thought the first girl was practically a perfect 10, and the second one was even better, he's anxious to see what the best one looks like. He opens the door, and sees a gigantic brute of a man, at least seven feet tall and sporting what looks like 300 pounds of pure muscle. The brute has a cruel smirk on his face that makes Bob's blood freeze in is veins, and is staring directly at Bob the way a lion stares at a wounded zebra. Bob looks at the man's T-shirt, which reads ""If I catch you, I get to keep you""." +14255,3,"A guy walks into a bar with three ducks The bartender says ""sir you can't bring those ducks in here"" the man says ""but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare"" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak with the ducks himself, The man goes to the bathroom and the bartender turns to the first duck and says ""hello what is your name and how was your day?"" the first duck says ""hello my name is Huey and I had a wonderful day slipping in and out of Puddles"" The bartender is shocked and turns to the second duck and says ""hello what is your name and how was your day?"" the second duck says ""hello my name is Dewey and I had a wonderful day slipping in and out of Puddles"" The bartender is speechless and turns to the third duck and says ""let me guess your name is Louie and you also had a wonderful day slipping in and out of Puddles"" The third duck says ""No my name is Puddles and I'd Rather not talk about my day""" +14256,2,If a Nun changed sex... Would that make them a tran-sister? +14257,3,"Before going to party my dad said, ""Don't bring any girls home, tonight."" That was pretty harsh I thought, considering my sister went with me. " +14258,1,Math Quiz: What is one third plus one sixth? One second. +14259,2,Why are elevators always angry? Because everyone keeps pushing their buttons. +14260,2,"If your friend Jack was stuck on a horse, would you help Jack off the horse?" +14261,0,What's the loneliest nombre? Juan +14262,8,Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Trump But I guess it's not fair to compare apples and oranges +14263,1,"I wanna ask Roy Moore voters how they feel about losing such a close race. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Russian." +14264,4,"Two Scotsmen walk past a baker One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?' The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake' " +14265,0,What do you call a drunk cheerleader? A beerleader. +14266,6,"My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references... 'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the stupid pokémon references!' 'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!' " +14267,4,What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four. +14268,1,Which of the following does not belong: a) Gordon Lightfoot b) Helen Reddy c) Donald Trump d) Celine Dion b) Helen Reddy is not associated with a sinking ship. +14269,9,"A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; ""$5 for talking dog, take next left."" Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out. F: You here about the dog? M: Yeah, does the dog really talk? F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya. The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them. F: Go on, ask him anything. The man says; M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself. To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical ""arooo you"" that you usually hear on the internet. D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years. The man is stunned. He says to the farmer: M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!? F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!" +14270,0,Did you hear about the golfer turned prostitute? His girlfriend said his performance was “under par.” So needless ti say his career is down the hole. +14271,0,What do you call a repair shop that specializes in hearses? A rehearsal. +14272,0,"Hey girl, are you a vaccum? Because you fucking suck" +14273,1,"What happened to Napoleon after he crashed in the Tour de France? Well, I never heard, but that tore Napoleon's bones apart." +14274,3,"Moses was sent by the Israelites... to the top of Mount Sinai to negotiate with God over the commandments. After a month of intense discussion, an exhausted Moses came down with a list of 200 commandments. The Israelites, however, weren't happy with this, and sent him back up to negotiate a better deal. A week later, a washed out Moses returned from his mission. ""I've got some good news and some bad news,"" Moses told the Israelites. ""The good news is that I've gotten the list down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on there.""" +14275,1,Why can't you make something that's sort of like a macaron but not really? Because then it'd just be macaroni +14276,1,What happens when a mall loses power? Free Black Friday +14277,0,On the first day of school the new grade one class met their new teacher Miss Prussy. The class had trouble pronouning her name. Miss Prussy said just think of a pussy with an r .... The next morning.... Miss Prussy..... Good Morning Class ! Class..... Good Morning Miss Crunt ! +14278,0,Why do teenage girls like to impress people with their clothes? My daughter always begs me for clothes whenever guests come over. +14279,2,I go to the gym religiously About twice a year around the holidays. +14280,4,"Growing tomatoes A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,""What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"" The gentlemen responded, ""Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."" Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, ""By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"" ""No"", she replied, ""but my cucumbers are enormous.""" +14281,7,My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr.Awkward. +14282,1,Life Advice Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. +14283,0,"Deferred revenue refers to payments received in advance for services which have not yet been performed or goods which have not yet been delivered. These revenues are classified on the company's balance sheet as a liability and not as an asset. Edit: Whoops, forgot to copy the joke " +14284,2,How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning? They argon +14285,0,How does Donald Trump know Oprah isn't fit to be President? Because Sean spies on'er +14286,1,What Is The Pacific Treefrog's Favorite Cut Of Steak? Ribeye +14287,1,I'd love to find a way to turn the autocorrect off. I'm tired of that shiv. +14288,1,"Why can't clocks keep secrets? Because, time will always tell." +14289,2,There are only two type of guys. Those who pee in the shower And those who lie. +14290,0,I'm looking for fat japanese Sumo I can't seem to find any. +14291,1,"A man goes to the doctor to cure some ailment he has “No problem, just use this for three days”, the doctor says. The man comes home and opens the box. It says “apply directly to the rectum”. With English not being his first language, he doesn’t know what it means so he goes to ask his wife. “I have no idea”, she says, “you should call the doctor and ask him”. “He will just get mad at me for not understanding”, the husband replies. “Do you want to get cured or not?” she says. So the man calls the doctor. The doctor says “No problem, it means you need to insert it into the anus”. The man says “Thank you” and hangs up, but he still doesn’t know what it means. “Well?”, his wife asks. “He says insert it into the anus, I don’t know what it means”, the husband replies. “Me neither, you should call him again”, she replies. “He’ll get mad at me for sure this time”, the husband says. “Just do it”, his wife replies. So he calls the doctor again. The doctor tells him “It’s pretty simple - just shove it up your ass”. The man hangs up and goes back to his wife. “Well?”, she asks. “I told you he’d get mad at me”, the man replies." +14292,1,"Back in school my friends almost convinced me to smoke poison ivy. Luckily, I didn't do anything rash." +14293,6,I can't believe christmas is 364 days away... And people already have their decorations up. +14294,2,"I got a job on a farm.... It was circumcising donkeys, it wasn't too bad, 44 skins a day, with a chance to get ahead, and you could always count on big tips...." +14295,1,What did the buffalo say to his son before he left for college? Bison +14296,1,Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their sexual assault incidents? They were feeling Spacey. +14297,0,I lost 20lbs last week I was circumcized +14298,3,"Guy walks into an ice cream shop And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”" +14299,1,Why were the Adjacent and Hypotenuse unable to accept a package without each other? Because they could only.... cosine +14300,1,women about their age Few women admit their age; few men act it. +14301,0,"In the near future, space tourism is about to kick off, and a ""flat earth"" believer is on the first craft, to be the first tourist to go into space. Right as the ship is reaching the height where he can see the earth as it really is, he turns to see a pistol pointed at his head. Guide: You shouldn't have asked so many questions, now I have to kill you. The earth is indeed flat, but we have a replacement clone of you that will go back and tell the world that you saw the round earth. Flat Earther: I knew it! You can continue to deceive the world, but I will gladly die knowing that I was right. Guide (laughing): No you won't, look out the fucking window! " +14302,0,My junkie neighbor’s girlfriend finally left him... I guess she was tired of his smack talk. +14303,0,What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? A couple of snowballs. +14304,1,What goes up the mountain with 4 legs and comes down with 2? [Ex-Post r/AntiJokes] A serial killer +14305,0,"I just matched the winning lotto numbers today. But hah, they’re not fooling me. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. So I threw my ticket in the trash." +14306,4,"When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic... But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm Fantastic." +14307,0,What is the difference between Trump and Hillary? She can't make America great again. +14308,2,Why do vegans never moan when they are having an orgasm? Cause they can't believe that a piece of meat is pleasing them. +14309,0,"A good view at the Dentist office I actually look forward to going to the dentist, a lot. Because , I have a *really* attractive dental hygienist . Although she is *very* nearsighted, she is also very kind, so, I hang on her every word. O' yeah.................. ............and she has really large breast. I make appointments every week. Before I show up, I eat a huge bag of caramel candies. " +14310,0,"Ladies and gentlemen, a stuttering banana. Potassi...UMMMMMMMM *snap fingers* UMMM... " +14311,3,"Started a new job as a delivery man today... When I got to my first address, there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, ""Dear Mr Delivery Man, we're out, please hide in garage."" That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me." +14312,0,Guys have two heads. But only enough blood to run one at a time. +14313,2,I tried the gym Didn't work out +14314,2,"A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car. Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. ""What happened?!"" The dad points at his son and says ""it was all his fault"" The mom reply's with, ""Well... how could you have prevented the accident?"" Dad looks directly at his son and says. ""I guess I could have just pulled out.""" +14315,3,"I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating. He said “Look, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.” " +14316,4,You don't joke about a woman's menstrual cycle. Period. +14317,0,What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed +14318,2,I've started a new porn business where I film unsuspecting real campers having sex and man is it exhilarating! Its Really Fucking In Tents! +14319,0,There is a solution to the hunger crisis affecting the LGBT community! Let the G eat the BLT. +14320,4,I really wanted to make a Zelda joke But there is no Links allowed. +14321,4,Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client? All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it. +14322,0,What do Phone-Sex operators use? [NSFW] HEAD Phones +14323,1,What's a Mathematician's Favorite Way to Kill Himself? A hypotenoose. +14324,0,"The top layer of your skin is called the epidermis, and below that is your dermis. So what would be below that? Your undermis" +14325,2,It always bothers me when I tell my wife I’ll be home in 10 minutes But she continues to call every half hour anyway +14326,0,"Obsession My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I'm obsessed with football. I said, ""On loan or transfer?"" " +14327,1,"A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father ""Daddy, what are they doing?"" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says ""they're just making a puppy."" ""OK"" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him ""Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says ""me and mommy were making a baby."" His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies ""flip mommy over, I want a puppy!""" +14328,2,"Lemme tell ya, My Wife keeps me in line no matter how many guys are in head of me" +14329,0,Did you head about the kidnapping in Detroit? he woke up +14330,1,"An old man goes in for his annual checkup... After some tests, the doctor comes in and tells him ""I've got some bad news and some worse news, which do you want first?"". The old man says ""Gimme the worse news"". Doc says ""You've got cancer"". Old man shakes his head and asks for the bad news. Doc says ""You've got Alzheimer's"". Old man hangs his head low for a moment, looks up at the doctor and says ""At least I don't have cancer""." +14331,0,Norwegian last names seem so literal... So why can't we take a leif out of their book? Afternote: I know I'm wrong about the language or country or something. Can someone tell me how so? +14332,2,I couldnt stay with my girlfriend after I found out she had 144 sexual partner in her lifetime. It was a gross amount. +14333,2,Why'd the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning +14334,1,Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS? A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass. +14335,0,That Gorilla from Ohio.... and the small black boy. Utter mismatch. James vs. Curry +14336,1,Did you hear about the woman that was having trouble with her keyboard? It was the colon. It was creating irritable vowel syndrome. +14337,0,What is it called when Anakin licks Padme's Butt? An outer-rim job +14338,1,I wanted to make a chemistry joke... ... but all the good ones argon. +14339,7,"A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant. At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. ""This is so embarrassing,"" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. ""I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, ""You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"" ""No,"" she replies. ""You just happened to catch my eye.""" +14340,0,"A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on vacation, whose bags are packed first? The gay couple, their shits already packed. Source: drunk uncle " +14341,0,"How does one successfully pass the New York Bar Exam? Just go to the local pub and outdrink the competition! ...and besides, who needs more lawyers anyway?" +14342,1,What's the difference between a joke and a dad joke ? The joke doesn't go missing. ^^not ^^sure ^^if ^^already ^^posted +14343,2,Game of Thrones is really getting out of hand... Even websites are dying in the new season. +14344,1,What is the polite way of saying “motherfucker”? Father. +14345,1,"A man walks into a sculptors studio and says... ""I would like a bust in my image so how much would that cost?"" The sculptor says "" woah you only just walked in the door and you are already talking prices, let's back up a bit"" The man replied "" I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself""" +14346,0,I heard that Apple's AirPods don't fit Tim Cook's ears! He lost them on day 1. +14347,3,"3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up.""" +14348,3,"Nobel Prize Joke A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says ""I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word."" The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium. The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says ""That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it.""" +14349,9,"A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, ""you deserved it, you horny bastard!"" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, ""sshhhh. They're about to land!!""" +14350,0,What did the mallard yell in the drive-by shooting? Duck!!! +14351,3,"An Aussie walks up to a kiwi Aussie: Hey bro, is that your dog? Kiwi: Yeah. Aussie: Mind if I talk to it? Kiwi: Uhh, yeah chur, but dogs dont talk. Aussie: Hey dog, how ya doing? Dog: yeah good thanks mate. The kiwi looks shocked. Aussie: Is that your owner? Dog: Yeah. Aussie: Cool as, how's he treating ya? Dog: sweet as aye, he feeds me, pets me and takes me for walks. Aussie: sweet bro, hey you mind if I talk to your horse? Kiwi, still stunned: uh, yeah sure, but horses dont talk. Aussie: Hey horse, how's it going? Horse: yeah good thanks for asking. The kiwi is mesmerized. Aussie: Is that your owner? Horse: yeah he is. Aussie: treating ya well? Horse: yeah bro, he rides me, washes me, grooms me, feeds me, I'm living the life. Aussie: Sweet as, hey mind if I talk to your sheep. Kiwi: That sheep is a fucking liar!!" +14352,1,"Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream. So that both of us are in A la mode." +14353,3,Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up? Eh Eh +14354,2,This Election Being forced to choose between Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump is like being forced to choose between bad hemorrhoids and rectal cancer; one is clearly worse than the other but they're both still a huge pain in your ass. +14355,0,"If only they knew. Yesterday when I walked into the office with a bandaged head my coworkers asked what was wrong. Grumbling that I didn’t want to talk about it, one of them asked if my cat got my tongue. I mutter if they knew. So two weeks ago my wife got a kitten and as fluffy and cute it is, it’s also extremely playful. One day when I came home from hard days work and just wanted a shower to relax in while my wife prepared dinner for us. She suddenly yells that the kitchen sink wouldn’t drain properly, I decide to go down take a look. Wearing nothing but a towel. The kitten is in the kitchen playing with a fly. I bend over to look under the sink to see if the drain is clogged, the kitten sees something dangling and charges, and I tell you those claws are sharp. So I just mutter to my coworkers if only they knew. " +14356,8,"A man goes to a brothel. The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. ""May I help you sir?"" she asked. The man replied, ""I wan to see Valerie."" ""Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else"" said the madam. He replied, ""No, I must see Valerie."" Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. ""There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."" Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, ""No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."" ""Where are you from?"" The man replied, "" New Brunswick ."" ""Really,"" she said. ""I have family in New Brunswick ."" ""I know."" the man said. ""Your sister died, and I am her attorney."" ""She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.""" +14357,1,What do you call an affectionate vagrant? A homeless romantic. +14358,0,A woman reported yet another siting of creepy clowns.............. A woman reported yet another siting of creepy clowns.............. Trump and his sons promised St Louis police they were leaving for New York immediately. +14359,1,"Today marks my tenth year driving trains Finally, you can call me a superconductor." +14360,5,"In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this. The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready. ""Who was the first woman?"" Peter asks. ""That's easy!"" exclaims the nun. ""Eve!"". Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open. The second nun, encouraged by her colleague's easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready as well. ""Who was the first man?"" Peter asks. ""Easy! That's Adam!"" says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open. The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. ""What were Eve's first words to Adam?"" he asks. ""My, that's a hard one,"" the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open..." +14361,2,"Call Captain Planet The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste. Finally, a townsperson says, ""We need Captain Planet!"" A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, ""Did someone summon me? The townspeople rejoice, and cheer for their new savior. The superhero gathers everyone together and puts together a basic strategy to fight the pollution. Then he says, ""Have fun, I'm outta here."" The townspeople are confused and ask him, ""Well wait, when do you start doing all this?"" He replies, ""Me? I don't do anything. You called for Captain Plan-it""" +14362,2,Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I just want to say a big thank you to my hand for always being by my side!! +14363,0,"All these women on the 48 dating sites I’ve joined, seem so fucking sad and desperate." +14364,0,If really you want a job in the moisturizer industry... ...the best advice I can give you is to apply daily. +14365,0,What's the worst about fucking a cow? Hopping off the bucket and walking all the way around to the front just for a kiss. +14366,1,What happened to the Native American chief who drank 10 pots of tea before going to sleep? He drowned in his teapee +14367,0,There are three things you can't chose in life 1. Your family 2. The country you're born in 3. President of Russia *I'm not sure if I saw this here first. +14368,0,What’s Muhammad’s favorite food? Corn on the Kaaba +14369,5,"Boyfriend asks Girlfriend B: ""If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?"" G: ""NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?"" B: ""I would also stay with your sister"" " +14370,5,"Why was Portugal the best colonial power? Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS." +14371,0,"Sock - Doorknob If there's a sock on the doorknob, it means I'm having sex with the other one." +14372,2,"What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, except it's Down Under." +14373,0,"A man sees his friend on the park bench... ''What's up,buddy? Sitting and thinking?'' ''Nope, just sitting.''" +14374,2,What do you call 2000 mockingbirds 2 kilo mockingbird +14375,2,How did Pythagoras win a Fishing Competition? He was a Good Angler. +14376,0,At long last I've done it! I've invented a Universal Solvent... I just don't have anything I can put it in +14377,2,What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent? His co-workers +14378,0,"Lady at work says, ""I like my men like I like my coffee..."" "". . .I don't."" Turns out she was a closet lesbian." +14379,7,"At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half. He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says: ""A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"" Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass. Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that. ""Oh, that's easy."" Replied the man. ""I work for the IRS.""" +14380,6,"An Australian walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm An Australian walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He tells the bartender, “If I put my penis into this crocodile’s mouth for 15 seconds without it being bitten off, you’ll give me free drinks for the night.” The bartender agrees, so the guy opens the crocodile’s mouth and puts his penis inside it. The crocodile gently closes his mouth and, after 15 seconds, the Australian hits it over the head with a bottle. The now-disoriented crocodile opens his mouth, allowing the guy to take out his penis. The bartender, shocked, starts serving the free drinks to the Australian. He then announces to the bar, “If anyone else can do that, they’ll get free drinks for the night.” After a slight pause, a blonde woman chirps, ""Ok, I’ll do it, but please just don't hit me so hard over my head with the bottle.”" +14381,2,What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen. +14382,2,What does a woman do in outer space? Vacuum cleaning +14383,2,"Pirate joke A teacher is giving a history lesson on pirates. He asks the students a question. ""What is a pirates favorite letter"". A student's excitedly shouts "" R ""! Teacher replys ""You would think it's R but it's the C they love"". " +14384,0,"What do you say when you see two fetuses making out? ""Oh get a womb""" +14385,7,"Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington During her stay Trump asks her: ""Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"" Chancellor Merkel responds: ""Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."" ""Very interesting"", says Trump, ""but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"" ""Well I just ask them a couple of simple questions. By their response I can quickly determine whether someone is intelligent or not."" ""Would you mind showing me how to do that?"" Trump asks. Angela picks up the phone and calls Wolfgang Schäuble, her Minister of Finance and asks: ""it's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?"" The Minister replies: ""That's easy, it's obviously me!"" Totally impressed Trump returns to the oval office and calls up his Vice-president Michael Pence. ""Mike I have a question for you. It's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?"" Micheal stalls for a moment, not knowing the answer. He tells Trump that he will sleep over it. In the morning he wakes up still without a solution. So he rings up Barack Obama and passes the riddle to him. Obama immediately respons: ""Well that's me!"" Relieved Michael calls up Trump and exclaims: ""I got the answer to your question...it's Barack Obama!!!"" After a moment of silence, Trump explodes: ""No you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble!!!""" +14386,1,"Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. “Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.” ​ The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, “I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7 a.m. every morning.” ​ “That’s not bad,” the first man responds. “Why are you complaining?” ​ The third man admits, “The problem is I don’t usually wake up until 8 A.M.”" +14387,4,I've always wanted to work in a mirror factory It's the only thing I could see myself doing +14388,6,Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes? Because they always punch up the fuck line +14389,2,What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains? If you don't know stay away from my house! +14390,0,"Did you hear about the guy who makes paper mache globes? It's a boring tedious job, but at least he gets to see the world." +14391,2,"Every time I get an AIDS test, I'm convinced it's going to come back positive And every time I'm right." +14392,2,I wished my friend a bright future... ...so that he has the best of lux. +14393,0,"A father was approached by one of his daughters one day “Dad, why did you name me Sunflower?” “Well my daughter it’s a beautiful thing, when you were born a sunflower landed on your head, so we decided to call you sunflower” The daughter smiled, happy with the answer and skipped away. The father’s second daughter came up and asked, “Father why did you name me Daisy?” “Well my daughter it’s a beautiful thing, when you were born a Daisy fell on your head, so we decided to call you Daisy” The daughter smiled, happy with the answer and skipped away. Derherherherher “Shut up Cinderblock”" +14394,6,"What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk? A dead bird." +14395,11,My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight! Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday. +14396,2,What is Link's favorite dance at the club? Macarena of Time +14397,0,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Frank bought fried chicken for dinner tonight; his wife always pushed him to watch his weight, but since she passed he just doesn't see the point anymore. If every deep fried morsel brings him a moment closer to joining her, isn't it better that way?" +14398,1,You don't know what you have until it's gone. Unless it's a miscarriage. +14399,4,If at first you don’t succeed... Skydiving is not for you. +14400,2,I was under the impression that the girl on my blind date thought I was sweet. Turns out that’s not what she meant when she called me unsavoury. +14401,0,"Two Acquaintances arrive at a restaurant around the same time They walk inside and approach the host stand. The host says, ""Welcome to the Country Road Restaurant, how many are dining with us today?"" The first man replies, ""I have a reservation for two, under the name Estragon."" The host asks, ""At what time is the reservation?"" Estragon says, ""Well, I'm here, and it is now, is it not?"" The second man says, ""I also had a reservation for two, under Vladimir."" The host again asks, ""When?"" ​ The acquaintances both reply, ""Now."" ​ So the host asks the men, ""Can I infer that you'll be dining together?"" After a moment of frustrated silence, both men turn to the host and say, ""No. We are Waiting for Godot.""" +14402,0,Why is Space called Space? because there is a lot of it. +14403,1,What did the violin say to his big brother? Cello. +14404,0,What do you call a shotgun shell that contains coffee cups A mugshot +14405,4,I went to an ISIS birthday party once The musical chairs were slow but fuck me pass the parcel was quick. +14406,0,"Did you know that corks come from trees? Son-""Hey dad, did you know that corks come from trees? Dad- ""No son, Quarks come from particle accelerators""" +14407,1,"I spent most of the day in the garden with my step ladder. Not my real ladder, my step ladder." +14408,0,"If Christopher Columbus had had a wife, he would have had to hear: - Part III - That Queen Elizabeth is going to sell her jewels so you can travel? - Do you think I'm an imbecile or what? - And then what... He gave you the jewels just like that, why?! - What do you have to do with that old slut? - I won't let you go anywhere! - Nothing will happen if the world remains flat. - So don't even get all dressed up because you're NOT GOING!" +14409,1,"Thanos seems like an optimistic guy. You know, universe half full kind-of-guy." +14410,2,"That's how I'll remember her, staring out the window at the beautiful sunrise, writing in her journal, and saying to me Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my house?" +14411,2,Drunk driving is extremely gay. You just can't think straight. +14412,0,I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. +14413,0,I decide to wake up early and clean my chess set. Spent an hour alone just polishing the bishop. +14414,3,How does NASA organise a party? They planet... +14415,1,"Three rich men are bragging about who has a bigger plane... First one said: My plane is so big, you enter the back door and you need to run for 30 sec straight to get to the front door. Second one said: My plane is so big, you enter the back door and you must run for 1 min straight to get to the front door. Thirt one said: My plane is so big, you enter the back door, turn right and get to the toilet, there you will hear something buzzing and if you look up, you can see your two planes having a race" +14416,0,"You really wanna give someone your left ventricle? All I said was, ""Hey, the best gifts come from the heart.""" +14417,1,"I turn to my brother and ask Hey bro, what's the most you've jerked off in one day? ""About 3 dudes""." +14418,0,I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke... ...but you didn't like it. +14419,1,"A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway. He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped. Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied one end to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to simply honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Twenty miles later, another Corvette flew past the two. Not willing to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 110 mph, flew through a speed trap. The officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 110 mph. He then said, ''...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a bike honking to pass.'' " +14420,0,Why is blond crawling in the Walmart? She is looking for low prices! +14421,4,Where do suicide bombers go after they detonate? Everywhere. +14422,0,"My mom is racist. Every time she does laundry she says, ""Time to separate the whites from the colours.""" +14423,2,What is the fastest way to determine the sex of chromosome? Pull down its genes. +14424,0,What did the gay Jamaican say to his S.O.? I'm gonna Pokemon. +14425,6,/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards! 96% recycled content. +14426,0,What's the no. 1 way to get rid of a movie? Death by a thousand cuts +14427,2,What do having sex and playing cards have in common? If you dont have a partner. You better have a good hand. +14428,0,"Welp, all of the beaches along the mississippi's golf are closed... But tbh i never really like that side of the mississippi And by 'that side', i mean the inside." +14429,0,Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? So that he didn't fall in the hot cocoa. +14430,5,"A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, “SHOULDN’T, WOULDN’T, COULDN’T, CAN’T” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions”" +14431,3,"Hello this is the bloodbank, how can I help you? ""I'd like to book an appointment for myself, my wife and my daughter, please."" ""Okay sir, just a couple of questions: Have you ever had anal sex?"" ""Why? Can't you give blood if you've had anal sex?"" ""No sir."" ""I'd like to book an appointment for my wife please."" " +14432,0,"People have become so mean, ruthless and straightforward these days I tell you, There is an eye clinic in my colony named ""Asif Eye Care""" +14433,0,What does a Man without Legs still have? Peanuts +14434,3,"Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who their favorite composer was, they all said, ""Bach, Bach, Bach.""" +14435,2,Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken +14436,1,"Two guys are talking in a bar. ""My wife just left me for my best friend."" ""Oh my! That's so bad! Since when was that dude your best friend?"" ""Since he left with my wife.""" +14437,1,"Why don't street gangs listen to country music?? Every time they hear ""hoedown!!"", they think a prostitute got shot in a drive-by." +14438,1,"What is very big, gray, and just doesn't matter? An irrelephant." +14439,1,"A guitarist goes undercover in an ant nest A worker ant recognizes the secret agent and shouts ""That person over there is not a worker, that is Queen!"" He was trialed for conspiracy." +14440,2,What do you call a dog in a submarine? A subwoofer +14441,1,I hate crushing pop cans... It's soda pressing. +14442,3,"Ventriloquist and the farmer A ventriloquist was walking past a farm and saw a farmer sitting on his porch. “I’m gonna screw with this guy” he thought and walked over to say hi. “Hello farmer. I can talk to animals. Mind if I talk to your dog?” The farmer scoffed, “Sure buddy. That dog hasn’t ever said a word to me but good luck anyway!” He chuckled. “How’s it going dog? Is the farmer a good master?” The ventriloquist throws his voice. “Oh yeah! He takes me for walks and gives me treats. He’s a good farmer!” Says the dog. The farmer is amazed!! “Why that mutt ain’t never said nothing to me!” The ventriloquist says”I told you! I can talk to animals! Mind if I talk to your horse?” The farmer is on the edge of his seat! “Yessir please do! I can’t believe this!” “Hey horse, how’s it going? Is this farmer a good master?” The ventriloquist says. “Yes he is!” Says the horse”he bought me a new saddle and gives me the best hay. He’s a good farmer” Again, the farmer is stunned. “That’s amazing! I never heard that horse talk in my life!” The ventriloquist smirks. “Glad to hear these animals love you! Mind if I talk to your sheep?” “That sheep’s a liar!”" +14443,1,What's the easiest way to confuse an anthropologist? Hold up a used tampon and ask him to identify which period it's from +14444,1,What is the difference between Jesus and a wall painting? The painting needs only one nail. +14445,2,"Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict... She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ""Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ""Land mines.""" +14446,6,"New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion... ...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it." +14447,1,There's a new Reddit sub for perverts r/kelly +14448,1,What grade/rating would you give to insect conservationists on the job they've been doing the last decade? I give them a bee minus +14449,1,What do you call two guys having a threesome with a trans woman? Two and a half men. +14450,0,How do you get Pikachu onto a bus? Poke ‘im on +14451,1,You’ve heard of television but have you heard of Askahearing? +14452,0,Why was the nurse completely stunned when she was fired from the Podiatrist's office? She couldn't admit de-feat. +14453,9,Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH +14454,4,What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause. +14455,2,"Two friends are wandering through a forest.... ....When they are captured by tribals. They take them to their leader. The two guys beg for mercy. The leader, surprisingly spoke English. He says, “You have two choices: Death, or Bugaro. The two guys think for a while. Then, the first one replies “Bugaro, i choose Bugaro” “So be it” says the leader. Soon, the tribals come back, with a thick, piping hot, metal rod. They take off the man’s underwear, and shove the rod up his ass. Seeing his friend in such pain, the other guy thinks that it’s better to die, than endure such punishment “I choose death” he says The tribals all look at him, in surprise, and then start singing “DEATH BY BUGARO!!”" +14456,2,"Nurse walks in and says, ""Doc, what are you doing?"" Doctor says, ""I'm writing a prescription."" Nurse says, ""But you're holding your thermometer."" He says, ""Jesus Christ, some asshole's got my pen!""" +14457,3,"Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, ""Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."" The second guy says, ""I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."" The third guy says, ""I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."" The first guy exclaims, ""You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!""" +14458,0,What happens when you like North Korea on Facebook? You become Un friended +14459,0,What do you call Japanese pussy? Yellowtail +14460,0,I need to take this to the geometry junkyard Its a rectangle +14461,0,"What did the piece of bread say to his worst enemy? Keep your friends close, and your enemies toaster. " +14462,1,"The news A man hates his neighbour , so he gets the town idiot - Arty - to kill him via strangulation for the cost of one (English) pound.Arty sneaks into the local supermarket but gets caught , and has to choke the guard who found him. He then chokes the neighbour and another guard as he makes his escape. The news headline the next day: ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A POUND AT TESCO" +14463,1,"May your Christmas and New Year be like ""The Notebook""... Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling." +14464,5,"Just another cock joke Farmer buys young cock. Young cock enters the farm and says to the old cock : - You had your time, now you have to retire and give all hens to me. Old cock : - Ok, but give me last chance, let's race few laps around the farm, the winner takes it all. And you know, I'm much older than you, could you give me few extra seconds at start ? Young cook agreed. The race beagan. Old coock started to run earlier, but the young one was very fast, he started to chase the old one, and with every second was closer and closer to him. All of the sudden the farmer grabs the young cock, takes a cleaver, chops off his head and says - Fuck me, third time in a row I bought a gay cock." +14465,0,I missed the toilet today. My aim is a little pissguided. +14466,2,Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road? Because he wanted to see his flat mate. +14467,2,Apparently the French just bought the rights to make a Mercedes S-Class Van Its called the S-Cargo +14468,1,I used to make jokes about science But they got no reaction... +14469,0,"My parents don’t like my new stripper girlfriend I’m like, geez mom and dad it’s 2018, sex work is legitimate employment! But they said, “Sex work? Who cares? We don’t like her because she’s pole-ish.”" +14470,2,"A woman goes into vet because of her bird A woman goes into vet because of her bird, after about an hour the doctor comes out and the conversation begins. Doctor: “I’m sorry but your bird is dead” Owner: “Is there anything you can do?” Doctor: “Well we can try but I cannot promise anything.” The doctor brings in a Labrador retriever, the dog begins to sniff the dead bird, looks up at the doctor and leaves. Doctor: “I’m sorry but that right there shows that there is nothing we can do.” Owner: “I don’t understand you brought in a dog, you didn’t really do anything.” Doctor: “Well I guess we can try one more thing.” The doctor then brings in a cat, the cat goes to the bird, sniffs it and walks away. Doctor: “Well that proves it your bird is dead there is nothing we can do…” Owner: “Oh ok, well how much do I owe you?” Doctor: “Well it’s going to cost $1,200 dollars!” Owner: “$1,200? Why is it that much?” Doctor: “Well it costs $500 dollars for Lab work, and $700 dollars for a Cat scan!""" +14471,0,What kind of money does Mario use? 8-bitcoins +14472,1,What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe +14473,2,"I went to a psychiatrist's office, wearing only Saran wrap underwear and the doctor took one look at me and said... “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”" +14474,5,"Read this one online a while back An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is. The devil sees him, and says"" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."" The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was built in a third world country. The devil leaves the disappointed engineer there for a while, and leaves that part of hell. When he returns, he is astonished to find that the engineer has built a plumbing system, transportation infrastructure, and many other parts of the modern era. Hell starts to not be so bad. God notices this, and he says, ""Lucifer, how did you get an engineer, those are supposed to go to heaven?"" Lucifer says,"" I guess my demons made it to him before your angels did."" God: "" Well it doesn't matter, send him up here or I'll sue you."" Lucifer: "" Where are *you* going to get a lawyer?""" +14475,6,"Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. " +14476,1,Humans share 50% DNA with bananas. Which means that I'm a fruit *and* a vegetable. +14477,0,I can't wait till Harriet Tubman is on the $20 bill That means I can legally own a black person again. +14478,3,How many members of the GOP does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They only use Gaslight. +14479,0,"What's the difference between vapes and cigarettes? One ticks you off, the other offs your ticks!" +14480,0,Romeo is incredulous after meeting his priest Juliet: What did he say about our son and daughter? Romeo: I say she a fucking mensa and he congratulate a me. Then I say he a fucking mensa and he congratulate a me again! +14481,1,"8-year old Billy comes home from school with a note from his teacher. It says, ""Billy stole a pencil from the student next to him."" Billy's father is furious. He goes to great lengths to lecture Billy and let him know how upset and disappointed he is, and he grounds the boy for two weeks. Finally, he concludes, ""Anyway, Billy, if you needed a pencil, why didn't you just say something? You know very well that I can bring you dozens of pencils from work.""" +14482,2,I would tell you an unemployment joke But none of them work... +14483,1,"Trump says he has all the necessary materials to build a wall along the Mexican border After he won, 60 million Democrats shit a brick" +14484,1,"The story behind the joke numbers. A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, ""twelve!"" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, ""twenty-three!"" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. ""Why are you guys just yelling numbers?"" He asks his cellmate. ""What's so funny about random numbers?"" ""Well,"" says the older prisoner, ""They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here sub for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.""  Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, ""SIX!"" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, ""What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"" ""You didn't tell it right.""" +14485,2,My two Mexican friends decided to see who's the best at basketball They played Juan on Juan +14486,1,What do you call an escape artist dog? Basset Houndini +14487,2,What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. +14488,1,"My friend said, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.” It was a third degree burn." +14489,1,Why don't serial killers target anti-vaxxers? they don't know where they've been. +14490,0,"Wouldn't it be cool if death row inmates got time with dogs or some nice animals in addition to a last meal? No, they'd probably kill them." +14491,0,What did Hitler say to his annoying friend? Leave me alone! I'm trying to *concentrate.* +14492,8,"A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A women walks past and says, snickering, ""If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."" He raised an eyebrow and replied, ""If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."" EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com" +14493,1,"If the shoe fits, wear it... Unless you found it near a bouncy castle, you creep." +14494,1,When is a door not a door? When it's a jar. +14495,2,What do you call a monkey that likes to gossip? A blaboon. +14496,3,What car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen +14497,2,I've been losing sleep at night recently trying to figure out who stole my bed +14498,1,"A man walks into a zoo But to his surprise, there is only one animal there, a dog. It's a shit zoo." +14499,2,The invention of the shovel was truly... ...groundbreaking +14500,1,Hitler took the world’s oldest joke and wrote a whole book Titled: Made Jew Look +14501,0,What did the cannibal say about people who post shitty comments? They're too salty. +14502,3,One day my friend asked me to pass her a lipstick. I accidentally passed her a glue-stick. She’s still not talking to me. +14503,2,My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned. I thought we had good alchemy +14504,0,For sale - Parachute Like new. Used once. Never opened. +14505,3,"Genesis At first, there was nothing. And then God said, ""let there be light"". There was still nothing. But now you could see it more clearly." +14506,1,I used to have chronic Diarrhea... ...But now I've got my shit together. +14507,1,It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era. They often had to wear mail armor. +14508,2,Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony? “I don’t recall.” +14509,6,"My son was mad at me today, and said ""I wish my dad was dead!"" My son was mad at me today, and said ""I wish my dad was dead!"" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home. My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning." +14510,1,"A pirate joke: A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts ""bring me my red shirt"" the pirates win and continue sailing Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again ""bring me my red shirt"" the fight is tough but the pirates win. Then one of the crew members asks the captain ""why do you always ask for your red shirt before battle?"" The captain answers "" so the ship's crew can't see the blood of my wounds, that way they are not demoralized"". Afterwards 15 British ships surround the pirate ship, and the captain yells ""bring me my brown pants""" +14511,0,"A beautiful woman is a lot like Seinfeld. You follow it obsessively for years, then one night it all ends in twenty minutes of pointless activity that leaves you in a prison cell." +14512,1,"All the organs have a debate about who should be in charge... The brain said: *I should be in charge, I control all the parts and think for everyone!* The legs said: *I should be in charge. I carry everyone around and get them to where they want to go.* All the other organs continued with similar claims as to why they should be in charge. The heart, the lungs, the hands, the eyes etc. Finally the asshole spoke up and said it should be in charge. All the other organs laughed at the asshole, telling it how absurd it was to have an asshole for a boss. The asshole felt extremely insulted, and puckered hard enough to make diamonds, refusing to function at all. Since the asshole puckered so hard and refused to let go, the brain soon became fevered, the eyes crossed, the legs weak, the hands limb, even the heart and lungs had trouble doing their job. In the end all the organs begged the brain to please allow the asshole to be in charge, and thats how it ended up. Now all the different organs had to work all day, while the asshole in charge just sat around doing shit. Moral: To be in charge you dont have to be a genius, just an asshole. Credit: /u/iBendUover" +14513,4,I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night. I was like OMg. +14514,0,I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back. +14515,4,"An Irish cop and an English lawyer London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says, ""License and registration, please."" London Lawyer says, ""What for?"" Irish cop says, ""Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."" London Lawyer says, ""I slowed down, and no one was coming."" Irish cop says, ""Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"" London Lawyer says, ""What's the difference?"" Irish cop says, ""The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"" London Lawyer says, ""If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."" Irish cop says, ""Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."" The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says, ""Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? """ +14516,0,How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the S out of safe and the F out of way... +14517,0,What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki! +14518,7,"A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train... Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french is holding his burning red cheek and looking around. The nun is thinking to herself ""This scumbag probably tried to touch the blonde and she slapped him."" The blonde is thinking ""That scumbag was probably trying to touch me, touched the nun by accident and she slapped him."" The french guy is thinking ""I bet the brit was trying to touch one of them, they thought it was me and slapped me!"" The brit is thinking ""Next tunnel, I'm gonna slap him even harder."" " +14519,0,How do you confuse an idiot? Potato. +14521,1,"A horse calls a circus asking for a job Manager:what are your talents?"" Horse:""i'm a horse"" Manager:""so?"" Horse:""I'm talking to you aren't i?""" +14522,3,"The pregnant woman So a pregnant woman is walking towards the hospital to get induced into labor when a gunman walks out of an ally and demands all of her money. She hands it all over shakily and he shoots her three times in the stomach and she blacks out. The woman wakes up in the hospital a couple days later to a doctor telling her she’d be fine. “You had triplets, but don’t worry, they’re all fine. They each have a bullet in them and they’re too small to try to operate. The bullets will work their way out as they get older. Twelve years later the woman’s first daughter comes running into her moms room, “Mommy! Mommy, guess what!” “What honey?” “I took a tinkle and a bullet popped out.” So she explained what had happened all those years ago. The next day her second daughter ran into her room, “mommy! mommy, guess what!” “What honey?” “I took a tinkle and a bullet popped out.” So the mother explained the story to her too. The day after that, her son ran in, “MOM! You’ll never believe what just happened!” “Let me guess, you took a pee and a bullet popped out.” “No! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!”" +14523,2,Space joke Whats the similarity between Starship Enterprise and toiletpaper. They both circling around Uranus looking for Klingons +14524,2,"What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral? Gladiator." +14525,1,Why doesn't the iPhone x have a home button? You sold your home to get it +14526,1,"A penguin walks into a bar and asks ""has my brother been in here?"" The bartender says ""I don't know, what does he look like?""" +14527,0,Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.... +14528,0,What does a rock and a person on fire have in common? They both rock and roll. +14529,2,What do a bag of Lay's potato chips and the Milky Way have in common? They're both mostly empty space. +14530,0,The saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones is totally wrong. I must know because I'm the glazier. +14531,0,"I'm not a contentious person, but if I had to pick a bone It'd be Ken." +14532,0,[NSFW]My exgirfriend is now a pornstar... after i posted that vid. +14533,0,"Someone once asked me if I have an issue with disabled people. I said no. As a matter of fact, I don't hate George Bush at all (adapted from South Park)." +14534,0,What is a pirate's least favorite letter? It would be R but they're stuck at C. +14535,2,What is a Christian's favorite music chord? G sus +14536,2,What did the one r/jokes redditor say to the other? Ctrl + V +14537,4,Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians And something completely different to Gaston +14538,2,"An impressive meal Bob has a client come in to town to make a business deal. Wanting to impress he takes the client to a restaurant known for it's specialty foods and tells his client it will be the best meal of his life. Once they get to the table Bob orders for the both of them, ""criadillas de toro for my client and enchiladas for me por favor"", and the waiter goes to the kitchen to put in the order. Curious, the client asks Bob, ""why did you order one thing for me and another for yourself?"" and Bob answers ""The criadillas de toro are a very special meal they only serve once a week to special customers, it's made from the testicles of the bull from the weekly bull fight."" When the waitress brings the meal to the table Bob cannot believe his eyes, what was just last week a very large portion was now quite small and unimpressive and he asks the waitress ""Hey! What gives, last week this was a large meal fit for a king but today it look likes a kid's meal""!? To which the waiter replies ""Sorry senior, but sometimes, the bull, he does not lose."" " +14539,4,My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup. Me: You don't need makeup. GF: Aww thanks Me: You need plastic surgery +14540,3,"Two scientists walk into a bar “I’ll have an H2O.” “I’ll have an H2O, too.” The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context." +14541,0,What do you call a woman who doesn't eat meat? A lesbian +14542,0,"I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I have waken up next to some many of them" +14543,1,"A man enters the confessional. .""Bless me Father, for I have sinned. There was a pile of lumber in a vacant lot. It had been there for weeks. I helped myself."" The Priest says, ""Stealing is a mortal sin, my son. Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, and return the lumber."" Next Sunday the man goes into the confessional. ""I know you told me to return the lumber, but when I got to the lot, I don't know, I took some more."" The Preist says, ""Clearly, you need a stronger penance. I want you to pray the Rosary, recite the Queen of Heaven, and take back that lumber!"" Next Week, the man comes in. ""Father, I did my penance, but when I returned to the lot, the lumber was just sitting there. I couldn't help myself. It's all at my house now."" Grieved, the Priest says, ""My son, don't you know that your immortal soul is in danger. It's time for extreme measures. Tell me, do you know how to make a novena?"" ""No Father, "" the man replies contritely, ""but if you have the plans. I have the lumber.""" +14544,0,What do you call a retarded jew? Aushwitstic. +14545,4,What’s the difference between hearing and seeing a joke? One involves a mirror. +14546,1,The end is nye Fun fact; you know the saying The end is nigh? Well the latin origin of the word nigh use to be spelt: n y e. Another fun fact; nye can be an abbreviation of New Year Eve. Anyways what's your guys' new year's resolution? Mine is to stop making shit up for small talk. +14547,5,My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing. We went and had drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer. +14548,1,"An electric razor, two peanuts, John Goodman, and a large bowl of lucky charms walk into a bar... The electric razor yells, ""Does anyone need a trim?"" Nobody responds. The two peanuts shouts, ""Is anyone hungry?"" Nobody responds. John Goodman hollers, ""Anyone need an onion?"" Somebody responds... ""Why do you ask us if we need an onion?"" John Goodman yells back, ""You'll find out once you hear what my friend here has to say"" The large bowl of lucky charms steps forward, clears his throat, and says, ""I'm nothing special. Just a bowl of lucky charms. Does that make me worthless? Of course not. To all of you, I may just be a bowl of cereal, but to my friends here, I've been loyal and a loving friend"" The electric razor tears up. The two peanuts tear up. John Goodman tears up. Everyone in the bar tears up. John Goodman looks around and sits beside an old man in his 70s and asks him, ""Do you like onions?"" The old man responds, ""Kind of.""" +14549,4,What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold Shoulder. +14550,0,"A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad." +14551,0,"So, I was telling a friend who's new to reddit what to expect. My friend: what's it like? Me: # ""Our CDN was unable to reach our servers""" +14552,0,Have you ever tried snorting cocaine using Penne? It gets to your blood stream pasta +14553,0,Did you hear about the bishop who invited the local Protestant pastor to lead his services? He was defrocked for being too sects-positive. +14554,5,"{NSFW i think.} Turkish immigrant in Germany. This guy called ""Temel"" is new in germany and he works at a factory, one day he recieves a letter from his little village in Turkey, the letter says: ""Temel come to your village! Your wife is dead"" so temel takes the first bus to Turkey and finally arives at his home, everyone is in front of his house crying and wondering how it could happen, so Temel runs inside and sees his wife on the ground, he sits next to her and start crying, but then all out of sudden her wife stands up and says : ""Temel! I missed you so much so i faked my dead so i could see you again!"" And they had some great sex, They walk outside and all the villagers are wondering how she could come back to life.. Temel tells them he fucked her and she came back to life, everyone is happy and Temel returns back to germany to earn some money.. Couple months later he recieves another letter ""Temel, your father died last night! You should come to see your father for the last time"" so he takes the first bus back to turkey and arrives at his home, everyone is at the front door crying and Temel is also crying and asks them "" Where is my father?"" The villagers say ""Don't tire yourself.. we have been fucking him for a week straight and he still didn't come back to life.."" Sorry for the bad English, lol." +14555,2,Do you know how they manufacture minuscule drill bits? A little bit at a time. +14556,0,When asked why he turned in the doctor who initialed his patient He used Comic Sans +14557,1,"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They each order a drink. The bartender places down the three drinks in front of them just as three flies buzz in through the window. One fly lands in each of the men's drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, slides the drink back across the bar and demands another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and shrugs, before taking a long gulp. The Irishman, however, picks up the fly and screams at it, ""*Spit it out you fucking bastard, spit it the fuck out!*""" +14558,0,"What's big, green, and a surrounded by government employees? The dumpster behind every restruant. " +14559,1,Who was the shadiest rapper to collaborate with Snoop Dogg? Dr. Drapes +14560,2,What do you call someone who fixes tiny cars? A quantum mechanic +14561,0,Man I really hate Jonah Hill’s comedy. It’s always Superbad! +14562,0,They did surgery on a grape.. They're really Raisin the bar these days. +14563,1,What kind of faucet is only Cold? Farrah +14564,1,"What is another way to say ""Obesity runs in my family""? ""I don't have skinny genes.""" +14565,0,"Ah, I had a great boomerang joke just now... It'll come back to me." +14566,0,"Swimming Girl: I can't swim on that pool. Boy: Why not? Girl: Coz the sign says 5 feet, and I only have 2." +14567,0,"Three men catch a gold fish Three men catch a goldfish. The goldfish says “All right, you have caught me, if you put me back I’ll grant you three wishes each! What is your first wish?” The first man wishes to have his own company with high revenue. The second man wishes to end world hunger. And the third man says: “I wish my right hand would rotate clockwise constantly.” And so their wishes come true. Next, the first man says since he has a good company, he wishes for all the wealth he can imagine. The second man wishes for world peace. And the third man says: “Now that my right hand rotates clockwise I wish my left hand would rotate anti-clockwise. And so their wishes come true. Next, for their final wish, the first man thinks: I have a company, I have unimaginable wealth, I wish to have all the women I can handle. The second man says: “Now that there is no longer hunger and there is peace I would like to find out what the secret to life is. And the third man says: “Now I want my head to go from side to side.” And so their wishes come true. After twenty years the guys meet and talk. The first guy says: “Guys, life is great, I never need to work again, I drive the best cars, I have the most beautiful women, life is great.” The second man says: “I can finally understand what is the secret and purpose to life, I can be finally at peace.” And the third guy, swinging his arms and head says: “Guys...I think I might have messed up.”" +14568,2,The difference between Pi and Pi jokes Pi doesn't repeat. +14569,9,"I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he is not buying it, in fact he is still making fun of me." +14570,2,"Yesterday, I tried to catch some fog... I mist." +14571,0,What's Donald Trump's favorite dessert? Jell-O Putin pops +14572,0,What's an artist's favorite kind of boat? (OC/short) A Basqui-yacht. +14573,2,"If farmer A sells apple, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sells? Medicine" +14574,2,How do you identify Ronald McDonald on a nude beach? His sesame seed buns. (My grandma told me this one) +14575,1,What’s type of boat does the metric system hate? Galleons +14576,1,New Jokes Fresh and Funny! Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2016: I just shaved my legs. +14577,4,"Why is pirating so addictive? Once you lose your first hand, you get hooked." +14578,2,Why did the bodybuilder have a midlife crisis? He lost his whey +14579,0,Why don't we execute Death row inmate's with a shot of fentanyl? Well have you ever seen a Zombie with a drug problem? +14580,1,"In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads... bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?" +14581,0,Help fix my daughters terrible joke. What do you call pastry rodents that live in a formerly moved vegetable? A: the Pie Rats of the Carried Bean. +14582,1,"A reverend was talking to his congregation. ""I want this congregation to crawl!"" he exclaims. ""Let it crawl reverend, let it crawl!"" the congregation replies. ""I want this congregation to run!"" the reverend yells. ""Let it run reverend, let it run!"" the congregation yells back. ""I want this congregation to SOAR!!!"" the reverend screams. ""Let it soar reverend, let it soar!!!"" the congregation yells back. ""In order to soar, WE NEED MONEY!!!"" say the reverend ""Let it crawl reverend, let it crawl."" the audience replies. " +14583,0,"Guy walks into a night club and spots a beautiful girl sitting at the bar. He goes up to the bar and sits next to her. He orders 2 whiskys and pushes one infront of the attractive lady. Then he pulls out a lime and puts it on the table infront of her. Confused, she says, ""shouldn't we be having tequila with this?"" ""No"", he says, ""this is my chat up lime""." +14584,0,Did you hear about Cardi B's sister that's into fitness? Her name is Cardi O +14585,4,"An Asian kid ask him mom: ""Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"" Him mom replied: ""Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."" " +14586,0,Did you hear about the sale on snot at the body fluids store? It was a blow out +14587,4,"I like your thinking A teacher asks her class: “If there are 3 birds on a lake and you shoot one of them how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot” The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 2, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says: ""I have a question for you."" There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. ""Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”" +14588,1,"UNO conducted a survey. The survey stated, ""Give ur Honest Opinion about Food Shortage in Rest of the World?"" The survey failed badly because In AFRICA people didn't know what FOOD is CHINESE didn't know what OPINION is EUROPEANS didn't know what SHORTAGE is INDIANS didn't know what HONESTY is! ISRAELIS didn't know what 'UNITED NATIONS' is & AMERICANS didn't know what the hell 'REST OF THE WORLD' is?" +14589,4,"In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!” The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning. After a few days the Nazis return and see the same Jew sitting at his place with a funny smirk on his face. This makes them angry. One of them gets up and shouts “Bartender, a round of drinks on behalf of the National Socialist Party for my hardworking German folk except the Jew!” The crowd cheers again and soon they start drinking and singing but the jew looks as happy as ever. One of the Nazis asks the bartender “What’s the matter with the Jew? Is he stupid or something?” The bartender says “No, he owns the bar.”" +14590,1,"A man goes to the doctors A man goes to the doctors, complaining about a pain in his eye. Man: Every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye Doctor: Have you tried removing the spoon first" +14591,1,What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning? The school bus. +14592,3,The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly? The Vindshield Viper! +14593,1,What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant? Her legs. +14594,2,"What is the pink panther thinking when he walks into a strip club? Tiddy - tiddy - tiddy, tiddy, tiddy, tiddy, tiddyyy" +14595,2,"This one is long So a couple are driving down a road and the wife says,”I want a divorce” The man keeps driving The wife continues,”Your a great guy, but I have been cheating on you” The man is silent The wife gets mad and says,”Do you have anything to say!?” The man says,”Nope, I have everything I need” The wife asks what is that and the man replies seconds before they crash into a tree,”An airbag bitch!”" +14596,4,My friend thinks he is so smart. He said the only food that can make a person cry is onions... until I hit him in the face with a coconut. +14597,3,"Jesus walks into a Hotel, He throws three nails on the counter and asks the clerk, ""Hey can you put me up for the night?""" +14598,1,What does pussy have in common with a school bell? Children come out when you hit it +14599,0,"How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame? Through their erections." +14600,2,"I can never calculate the derivative of a curve. Every time I try, I go off on a tangent." +14601,2,"Blowing Bubbles Four men are brought into a courtroom. The first man walks up to his stand and the judge asks his him ""what did you do?"" The man responds ""I was blowing bubbles in the park"". The judge, clearly shocked, exclaims ""why would you get arrested for that? You're free to go"". The second man enters and the judge asks him how he got arrested and he, too, responds ""I was blowing bubbles in the park"". The judge tells the man he is free to go, as well. The third man enters and the judge says ""were you blowing bubbles in the park, too?"" The man nodded so the judge drops his charges, as well. As the third man leaves, the fourth and final man enters and the judge asks ""what did you get arrested for?"" And the man responds ""I'm Bubbles""." +14602,1,What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo. +14603,3,"Adolescent joke told by my old man One day there was a man fly fishing from the bank of a river. He sees a trout just upstream from him and thinks to himself ""If that trout moves just slightly to the right, I can drop my fly six inches and I'll be able to hook that trout"". Well, there was a mouse close to the man and the mouse is thinking ""If that trout moves to the right and that fisherman drops that fly six inches then he will over reach and the sandwich in his pocket will fall out and I'll get it."" Well, there's a cat hunting that mouse and the cat is thinking ""If that trout moves to the right and that fisherman drops that fly six inches from that trout, and that sandwich in his pocket falls and that mouse goes for the sandwich, well I'll be able to pounce on that mouse."" Well, the trout did move slightly to the right, and that fisherman did drop that fly six inches, and that sandwich did fall from the fisherman's pocket and that mouse did grab that sandwich, and the cat lost it's footing and fell into the water. Moral of the story. Drop a fly six inches and you get a wet pussy. " +14604,1,What do you call a bug that walks in a circle? A centripede! +14605,0,A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink.Give me a fucking scotch and soda you sonavabitch. Jeez why the bad language? asked the barkeep? Oh sorry I just like to use fowl language. +14606,0,What do you say of a fat liar when they sit down Deceitful. +14607,2,How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it. +14608,1,When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb he threw a huge party It was well lit +14609,0,"'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the City... People pack the corner Drugstores, Buying last-minute gifts oh so Shitty. " +14610,2,DRAG QUEEN NAME Came up with a great drag queen name : Jenna Talia +14611,8,"she wants a box of condoms Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Lady 1: ""What's that?"" Lady 2: ""A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."" Lady 1: ""Where did you get it?"" Lady 2: ""You can get them at any drugstore."" The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: ""It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.""" +14612,1,What do you say to someone who doesn't understand this? I think you reddit wrong. +14613,0,Boy playing Pokémon go walks into a bar He should've been paying attention +14614,6,"A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date. The grandmother says, ""Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."" Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it. ""It went just like you said!"" she says. ""But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family.""" +14615,1,What’s the difference between a pregnant women and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. +14616,2,I didnt like my beard at first but it has really been growing on me. +14617,0,Women are like Dodge tow mirrors They flip out for no reason +14618,0,"Shut-up, Manners and Poop Three guys, Shut-up, Manners and Poop, drove too fast and Poop fell out of the car. Shut-up went to the police station, where the policeman asked, ""What's your name?"" ""Shut-up"" he answered ""Hey! Where are your manners?"" The Policeman exclaimed Shut-up replied, ""Outside on the road, scrapping up Poop"" " +14619,2,Which composer do bears prefer? Gustav Mahler +14620,5,I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard I then came in cider. +14621,2,Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. +14622,2,Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking? An ape-ron +14623,0,Why do black guys h8 world fairs?🤔🤔🤔🤔 +14624,1,What did the frog say when browsing r/books ? Reddit.. Reddit.. Reddit.. +14625,1,Why wasn't the groom married? The wedding went off without a hitch +14626,9,What have an orgasm and a pulse in common? It doesn’t matter if she has one +14627,4,What is the loneliest cheese? Prov-Alone +14628,0,They call me the One Minute Wonder Because I can ejaculate for a minute straight! +14629,5,"A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink. They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”" +14630,2,Went to a Halloween party with my girlfriend And the host asked “what are you two dressed as?” And I said “I’m a turtle and this is Michelle” +14631,0,"Little johnny Little johnny: mummy tomorrow i have an oral exam. one question the teacher will ask is ""who made you?"" what should i say? mum: say god made you the next day the teacher asked johnny ""who made you?"" but johnny had forgotten what his mother had said so he said: ""until yesterday i was sure father made me but then my mother said it was someone else and i cant remember the name she mentioned.""" +14632,0,How do you take down a wreath? Witherspoon. +14633,2,Why does Santa Clause have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year +14634,3,What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand? Progress +14635,1,Why was the borrowed money sad? It was a loan. +14636,2,"The family is at the dining table. The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate…. ​ After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people” Silence around the table. “I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry. A long silence again. ​ And then… The father screams at his wife, “It’s your fault! Always dressed and made up like a whore! Do you think you are setting a good example for your daughter? Wallowing the whole day on the sofa, exposing your cleavage… it’s disgusting! That’s how problems arrive” ​ The wife, in turn yells at her husband: “What about you ? Are YOU setting a good example ? Wasting your salary on sluts who sometimes even accompany you to your doorstep! Are YOU setting a good example for your 10-year-old daughter?” ​ The father continues” “And her older sister, the good-for-nothing, With her hairy junkie of a boyfriend, Who is always groping her in all the corners of the house, Do you believe she is setting a good example for her younger sister?” ​ And the recriminations go on, and on, and on…. ​ The grandmother touches the shoulder of the little granddaughter to console her And asks her, “Well, my little girl, how did it happen?” ​ And the little girl replies while stifling her sobs. “it’s the priest” ​ The grandmother asks, “What do you mean, the priest ?” ​ “The priest has chosen another girl to be Virgin Mary in the Christmas play. I’m no longer playing the role of Virgin Mary”" +14637,2,"I was bullied a lot in school. Eventually I went on to musical success. Years down the line, I stopped in my hometown to do a show. It turned out the biggest of my bullies was hired to handle my displays. I watched for a while as he tried to put up some cardboard cutouts of myself. Every time he would set one up, another one fell over. Now that I'm in charge, he can't stand up two me's." +14638,3,"A boy asked his father, ""Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"" A boy asked his father, ""Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"" Father grimly replied, ""I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it.""" +14639,0,"Ex's are like college Sometimes you wanna go back, then you remember that they would have killed you if you had stayed much longer" +14640,0,Incorrect password! Your password must contain: a Uppercase letter A number A haiku A gang sign A hieroglyph And the blood of a Virgin +14641,5,How many stuttering Mexicans does it take to crash a server? D--Dos +14642,0,My jokes are pretty deep Cos they are mine +14643,1,"I met up with my impersonal trainer today We went to the gym,i stood there eating snacks and he worked out,then we said our farewells and parted ways." +14644,1,What’s the difference between Batman and a black man? Batman can go to a store without robin’. +14645,6,I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine +14646,0,"Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris." +14647,1,"A boy walks in on his dad putting on a condom in the bathroom. The boy says ""Dad, what are you doing?"" The dad says ""uhh... I'm trying to catch a mouse."" The boy says ""What are you gonna do when you catch it? Fuck it?""" +14648,0,He sold his soul to the devil... ...only to buy a very expensive sports car! Faust and the Furious +14649,0,How long did it take Sony to release cross-platform play? About a Fortnite +14650,1,My friend's son really has trouble reading and writing. I told him he's probably quite unliterate. +14651,2,"The wife asked me how may Motown groups I could name. I said ""Two...maybe three....Four tops""" +14652,0,What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. +14653,3,"An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time. After several hours the couple storm into the rental office, angrily throw down their keys, and begin to berate the rental clerk. Wife: What kind of awful place is this? As soon as we left town we saw a man having sex with a kangaroo! It was not even 20 minutes later when we stopped and saw a one legged man looking at us and masturbating in the open! Rental clerk: Ma'am I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience! But please understand, it is very difficult for a one legged man to be able to catch a 'roo." +14654,5,I just watched a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I've ever seen. +14655,0,It would be a mistake to assume r/meirl is pro-choice They are solidly anti-life. +14656,2,Did you hear about the new Japanese rock band? Of Rice and Yen +14657,3,"2 Drunks and a Hotdog One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, ""Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."" The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, ""What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"" The first says, ""I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"" The second drunk says, ""Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."" So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, ""We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."" The first drunk says, ""You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"" " +14658,0,A good steak joke is usually pretty rare But the best are well done! +14659,1,I have proof that Kek is a racist. Just last week I saw him eat a black flies matter protester. +14660,0,What did Captain Jean-Luc Picard say when someone tried to walk in on him in the bathroom? Engaged! +14661,2,"The monster under the bed A man is upset about his irrational fear that there is a monster under his bed. He decides this needed to change so he starts going to a therapist. After months of therapy, his fear is still there, so he leaves the therapist to find someone who can cure him. A month later the therapist runs into him and sees that he appears happier than before. She asks ""Did you finally get over your fear of a monster under your bed"" He replies ""Yes, and it only took one therapy session too!"" ""How?"" ""Simple. He just told me to cut off the legs of my bed."" " +14662,3,What do gay reptiles and sports drinks have in common? Gatoraids +14663,0,"A man goes in front of the white house, pours shit inside a pot and starts stirring *A cop that was walking by witnesses this and and starts yelling at him* Cop: Hey!! WTF do you think you're doing?! Man: I'm making a delegate. *The man then pours more shit inside the pot.* Cop: What are you doing now? Man: I'm making a senator! Cop: Well, while you're at it, why don't you make us a president? Man: Nah sorry, I don't have enough shit for that." +14664,0,"Jesus's favorite gun would be a Nail Gun. He was a carpenter, after all." +14665,1,Going to Space is amazing and all until... You learn that gravity ain't gonna help you poop +14666,4,"A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a sperm test. The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says: ""I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?""" +14667,2,"Why is it so common for dams to be built upstream of towns? (OC) When the mayor is informed about the possible flood hazards they say ""damn it.""" +14668,0,Every machine is a smoke machine If you operate it wrong enough +14669,0,"One of my friends who's in college played a prank, and as punishment, he has to write smileys on all the F sharps. His professor told him it was time to face the music." +14670,0,What's something that may make you sad but gives you hope for the future? Your daughter is better at sucking dick than your wife. +14671,1,You know what my problem with cooking is? I always make a meal out of it. +14672,0,My biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is how the movie always just assumes you know which one is which. +14673,5,"Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. it's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascle runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims ""Newton! i found you! You are it!"" Newton Smiles and says ""You didn't find me, you found a newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"" " +14674,2,A racist man laments... ​If people gave him $1 for every racist thing he said or done he'd be able to make a small contribution of 1 million dollars to Donald Trump's campaign.​​ +14675,6,"Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.. ..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *""Gee Susie, what's going on?""* Susie says, *""I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious""* Mr. Johnson asks, *""Why are you digging a hole?""* Susie replies, *""I'm burying my gold fish""* Mr. Johnson laughs and asks *""Why is the hole so big?""* Susie replies, *""Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat"".*" +14676,0,"The mailman always comes in the office looking for snacks I says to him, they don't give you food stamps at work?" +14677,1,"The holidays being over has me in a really terrible place. I don't mean mentally, I'm at work and would rather be at home." +14678,1,"What was a doctors diagnosis of the victims involved in a pet van crash? Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Chameleon" +14679,6,Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis. +14680,2,Summa Cum Laude Summa cum quieta. +14681,0,"I'm afraid to get another cat I'm never going to get another cat because the one I had was given away. If I do, I'm afraid that one day she will be back, look through my window and see another happy cat and think to herself ""is it cuz I'm black?"" " +14682,4,The word politics is derived from two words The word poly meaning many and the word ticks meaning blood sucking parasite. +14683,1,"At a Greek Restaurant... ...during the lunch rush, the new waiter stumbles over his own feet and the customer's plate flips upside down and the food scatters all over the floor. Without skipping a beat, the waiter comments, ""Fell awful, just like you ordered.""" +14684,7,There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly [Removed] +14685,3,"So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot. I shout, ""Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!""" +14686,5,It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while. +14687,2,My Wife Handed Me A Crying Baby and Asked Me To Change Him. So I drove to the Hospital and asked for a replacement. +14688,0,If Jason Bourne is bad at remembering things now... ...I can only imagine how he’s going to be as an old man. +14689,1,Did you hear about the guy that only ate white chocolate reeses cups? He was a reesist. +14690,0,A bad rapper went to prison today. He finally got bars. +14691,0,"Ultimately, even the mighty invincible Achilles was killed with a bowshot to his foot. Time wounds all heels" +14692,3,"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital... ""Peter, you've reposted that joke for over 8 years now, please stop flooding the subreddit with that.""" +14693,2,How do you compliment a scarecrow? Tell him he's outstanding in his field! +14694,1,What happens if you mix up viagra and laxatives? It makes you crap in bed. +14695,1,Give a migrant a fish and you'll feed him for the day. Deport him and local girls won't get raped. +14696,0,"What is the worst thing for a girl to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? ""I'm not Willie Nelson.""" +14697,0,It's so stupid that they have to hold a spelling competition for just one word. How difficult is it? B is just one letter. Sheesh. +14698,1,Which nut can you never escape? Cashew! +14699,1,I was playing baseball with my friend Tandra and she was pitching. I hit the ball straight into left field and made it to second base. That's a double on Tandra. +14700,0,"I'm ginger. It's unreasonable to say that we are short tempered or soulless... In fact, I think that anyone who says this should be gently pressed between a bed of nails and a floor, disemboweled and crucified. Then their remains should be cut up, and fed to dogs. While their families watch." +14701,2,"A man tells his best friend (NSFW) ""my wife isn't able to cum, she tells me that she get too hot and just can't get there.."" ""how about I come over and Waff a wet towel around, while you two are going at it to cool her off"" offers the friend The husband agrees and the next time the couple go at it, the friend comes over and starting waffing the towel around while they do the business. The wife is getting close but the husband starts to get tired and asks his friend to trade places. He agrees and trade places, a few moments later, the wife is screaming and cumming. The husband exclaims ""now thats how you waff a fucking towel"" " +14702,3,I high-fived Saddam Hussein Didn't want to leave him hanging +14703,2,Why do you never see an Irish lawyer? Because an Irishman will never pass the bar. +14704,1,I asked my friends to set me up with a guy in uniform Garry from Walmart wasn't quite what I had in mind... +14705,1,LF : Clean-ish jokes Need new jokes that aren't dark so I don't scare away the girl I like. Engineering and soccer ones are pluses. Thanks for the help. +14706,1,"While driving on the highway, my wife called and to warn me about a crazy person driving on the wrong side of the road... I responded to her, saying, ”One crazy person?! Every single driver on this highway is crazy!”" +14707,0,I don't take a duece I make gold like a Lannister. +14708,0,My dad told me this joke along time ago but I just remembered it There are three men stranded in the Sahara desert. They suddenly see a a genie who will give them one wish each. Guy #1: I would like to return to my family. Guy #2: I would like to also return to my family and have dinner with them. They both get transported to their families then guy #3 (who was a coward) says: oh no I’m scared I need my friends to come back. +14709,0,Going to the gym is a lot like sex I get hard and leave quick. +14710,2,"A boy walks into an ice cream shop and asks the attendant ""Do you have pea ice cream?"" ""No"" he replies. After a week the same kid goes back to the ice cream shop and asks: ""Do you have pea ice cream?"" ""No"" he replies. ""That's ridiculous."" After a few days, the same boy walks into the shop and asks the same question, getting the same answer. ""I'll fulfill this boy's wish"" the attendant says after the he leaves ""I'll make a pea ice cream"" A week later the same boy returns to the ice cream shop and asks: ""Do you have pea ice cream?"" ""Yes"" the attendant replies ""Wow"" says the kid ""That's nasty"" " +14711,0,Startling awake... is a good way to startle a wake +14712,1,How many paedophiles does it take to change a lightbulb? No more than 12. +14713,1,What the difference between your wife and your stalker? Your stalker would likely put out regularly. +14714,5,What’s the definition of “trust”? Two cannibals giving each other a blow job. +14715,1,Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck? Because he was a neck-romancer. +14716,0,What did Dahmer ask Lorraina Bobbitt? You gonna eat all that? +14717,1,An Indian baker was making a big deal about his bread... ...turns out it was a na'an issue. +14718,2,What do you call a male prostitute who can't stop laughing? A giggle-o +14719,2,What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus +14720,2,"Wanna with saliva or not? A man goes to prison, As he walks into cell, he is grabbed by a big muscled guy. ""Yo freshie. I'm gonna fuck you in the ass. Wanna with saliva or not?"" He thinks to himself that if he’s gonna be raped, it's better to go wet than dry and says: ""Well... With... Saliva..."" Big inmate grins, bangs on the nearby cell door and screams: ""Yo, Saliva! Get up, freshie wanna get his ass double teamed.""" +14721,1,Why did Bach have over 20 children? His organ wouldn't stop +14722,0,What happens to the lowest achieving graduate of the medical school. They become your doctor. +14723,2,"Sadly, my best friend of many years lost his life earlier today. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring. " +14724,2,"I hate Christmas. I work throughout the year to afford gifts, and the fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit. Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her." +14725,3,"The human cannonball at the circus decided to quit... ""But you can't quit!"", cried the ringmaster. ""Where am I going to find another man of your calibre??""" +14726,0,What's the easiest way to get Windows 10? Get Windows 8. +14727,0,How do french thank who save their files? Merci backup. +14728,3,"Little Johnny was bored in class... The teacher asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence. ""Walk!"" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now. ""I always walk to school in the morning!"" She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence. ""Teaching!"" The teacher says ""great example, now use it in a sentence."" ""The teacher is always teaching!"" She tells him to sit down and asks Johnny to stand up. ""Urinate!"" The teacher uncomfortably asks him to use it in a sentence. ""Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10!""" +14729,0,I am always right so... I call myself the customer +14730,0,Why did the goat cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did my penis cross the road? Because it was stuck in the goat. +14731,0,How do thriller writers live? In tents. +14732,0,"The suspect was stomped by the officer's mount... It was ruled a ""use of excessive horse""" +14733,1,What do you call a narcissistic tsunami? A tsuna-MEEEE! +14734,0,I don't know why the Orlando shooter is bad... He got play of the game.. bye im going to hell. +14735,5,Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'd just Let It Go. As told to me by my 5 year-old daughter +14736,1,"Working at the circus I used to work for a circus. The life was rough but we had some really good and talented acts. We had clowns, jugglers, contortionists, tight rope walkers and even a fire breather. Our boss was a real prick. She made us wear uncomfortable uniforms they didn’t really fit. The pants worked similarly to a cheaply made castle, in the same sense that neither had any ballroom. She would con us out of money and steal from our pay and make us do all the stage set up while she sat there and collected her money. Towards the last days of the circus, I was working near the boss’ tent when I heard some shouting. A lot of back and forth between the boss and what sounded like a coworker. “IM TIRED OF BENDING OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOU!”, and someone stormed out of the tent. I was concerned so I ran and in and asked my boss what had happened. “Well...”, she said, “we just lost our contortionist.”" +14737,0,What's the difference between me and cancer? I can go past Stage 4. +14738,0,"when there is something to do, let the secutary do it (next sentence) when there is nothing to do, you do the SECRETARY edit: i was like how do you spell secreary, then u know came up with what it sounds like..." +14739,0,What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe +14740,1,What do you call a Samoan lying on the floor? Fellafelloffdasofa. +14741,1,I Bought A Car. It Is So White... It locks its own doors when it goes through a black neighborhood. +14742,2,"I was banned from the Middle East, so this is what I did... Iran" +14743,7,I used to smoke weed and go to class... Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever. +14744,4,Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work. +14745,2,"The homeless angel A man comes across his best friend with a big beautiful stick in his hand. He goes ""Yo where did you get that?"". The friend points in a certain direction and replies ""Well there is this homeless guy on that hill, who claims to be an angel and he grants a wish to anyone who shows him generosity."" The friend immediately takes off, while the friend is still talking, ""Oh, and he's a little hard at hearing."" He gives the man some water, to which he grants him a wish. Without thinking for a second he says ""I want a million bucks"". And immediately he is surrounded by a large group of ducks. His friend starts laughing and goes "" Did you really think I asked him for a 12 inch stick?""" +14746,0,What did they find on the treasure map leading through an old town road? A Lil Nas X +14747,7,My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records until the librarian told me to take it out. +14748,0,What did Titanic and the sixth sense have in common? I see dead people. +14749,2,I went to see dr hook in the 70’s Worst prostate exam ever +14750,2,"Yesterday a couple of people came to my home and asked if I'd like to donate to the community pool… I said ""sure, wait here."" A minute later I came back from the sink with some water and said, ""just return the glass when you get a chance""" +14751,6,A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2. But he knew it was <3. +14752,0,What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway. +14753,0,"What do you call Justin Trudea, hired as a mayor? The town crier." +14754,2,"What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine." +14755,1,"What did one ethuastic Electrician say to the other sad Electrician? Don't feel bad, YOU CONDUIT!!!" +14756,5,"In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs" +14757,2,"(Long) There once was a duck who hated her baby brother... This duck hated her baby brother so much that she decided to build a time machine to prevent their parents from conceiving him. The time machine worked, but without a baby brother, the duck had no incentive to build a time machine so her baby brother would still exist. With a baby brother, she'd be motivated though to invent the time machine and prevent the brother's existence. It's a pair o' ducks." +14758,2,"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away." +14759,0,"I have a solution to all the mass shootings affecting our country, proclaimed the Trump supporter ""Let's enforce the well-regulated clause of the second amendment by banning all rapid firing assault type rifles, having mandatory gun-locks on all weapons in homes where there is a child under 21 years old, 10 day background checks on private sales and removing guns from households where domestic violence or internet threats against others have taken place."" ""Wow,"" said the neighbor. ""It sounds like you've put together a comprehensive plan of action."" ""Nah, just kidding. Thoughts and prayers should do the trick.""" +14760,0,"mom, dad, i'm gay... Young man: mom, dad, I’m gay... Couple: you are not our son. Young man: how can you say that to me? Couple: no, seriously. We watched you walk into the restaurant with that elderly couple over there, I’m pretty sure they are your parents. Young man: oh, my bad. Enjoy your dinner..." +14761,5,"A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: ""May I help you?"" Hillbilly: ""Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces"". Attorney: ""Well do you have any grounds?"" Hillbilly: ""Yea, I got about a hundred acres."" Attorney: ""No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"" Hillbilly: ""No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."" Attorney: ""I mean, do you have a grudge?"" Hillbilly: ""Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."" Attorney: ""No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"" Hillbilly: ""Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."" Attorney: ""Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"" Hillbilly: ""No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."" Attorney: ""Well, is she a nagger or anything?"" Hillbilly: ""No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."" ​ ​ PS:- Full disclosure - saw this joke in one of the comments - Just putting it here to spread the joke!" +14762,0,"So theres this employee at the car dealership... And my dad asks him his name cause weve been talking to him amd he is trying to sell us a car. He says ""ahmed"" So my dad immediatly says ""oh hi ed nice to meet u... Da boom tshhh*" +14763,0,"Mother and her little daughter praying before bed Daughter: Dear god in haven... Mother: honey, it's heaven, not haven. Daughter: Oh fuck, when did he move out?" +14764,1,"The Goat Joke A burly Scottish man enters a bar and slumps down at a table. The bartender, a fairly caring guy, gives him a beer on the house and asks him whats wrong. ""A lot is wrong, lad."" ""Want to talk about it?"" ""Sure, I don't have anything more to lose. Three months. I spent *three whole months* building a house for all of the orphans of our village. But **noooooooo**! No one calls me ""Scott the House\\-Builder!"" And let me tell ya, two years, *two years* I spent building a bridge so that the people of my town could better access this here village. But, no one calls me ""Scott the Bridge\\-Builder!"" No!"" The man takes a long swig of his drink, looks down, sighs, then continues. ""But you fuck just one goat, and what do they call ya?""" +14765,0,Why did the fish study so hard? So he wouldn't drop out of school. +14766,2,"A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins? The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist." +14767,5,"A teacher was called in by the police for accusations of child molestation ""What is your name sir?"" ""Mark Stephens"" ""How old are you?"" ""37 years old"" ""And what do you do for a living?"" ""I teach school chilren"" ""Come again?"" ""I teach school chilren"" ""Do you mean children?"" ""What?"" ""You said chilren, you forgot the D"" ""Oh no, I put the D in children later""" +14768,1,"Dog named 'Sex' Dog named 'Sex' ------------------------- Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex? It goes like this: ""One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday."" ""But, that ain't the worst part.... One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."" ""When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."" ""After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' ""When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."" ""Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life... . It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.""" +14769,2,What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm. +14770,1,What's the difference between an old abandoned bus station and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean +14771,1,What do you get when the Pillsbury dough boys bend over? Dough-nuts (South Park reference again; just spreading it). +14772,1,"I bumped into an old school friend today I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, ""She's beautiful, isn't she?"" I said, ""If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."" He said, ""Why? Is she a stunner?"" I said, ""No, she's an optician.""" +14773,2,"A father and his son were walking down the street Suddenly they see two dogs fucking and the kid turns to his father and Same, ""hey dad what are those dogs doing?"" The father reluctantly responds ""Uh, they're making puppies, son."" At the realization, the kid says ""oh cool"". That night, the son walks into his parents room and in on his parents having sex. The father quickly pulls the sheets over him and his wife while his son just stands there. After an awkward moment, The son finally asks, ""dad, what are you doing to mom?"" The father was reluctant and said ""Well son, I'll tell you the truth, we're trying to make you a little brother or sister."" The son says ""Oh Okay, well flip her over next time, I want a puppy!""" +14774,1,"A man got hit in the head with a can of soda. He's alright though, it was a soft drink." +14775,2,"Life is like a video game Most of us play on easy difficulty, some on medium, then there is Africa playing on hardcore." +14776,5,"I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse, when will I get my adult supervision?" +14777,3,"Round up. A farmer was out in the field with his cows, he counted 196 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200." +14778,0,What did the the doctor diagnose the head of lettuce with? Iceburgers Syndrome. +14779,1,What do you call it when a black guy kills two of his friends? a double homie-cide. +14780,1,"I was feeling bad about the future, but then I updated my Microsoft Office. It improved my Outlook." +14781,5,"A photon checks into a hotel. He is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says ""No thanks. I'm travelling light"". " +14782,0,"The purple wombat Once there was a boy named Billy. He had just woken up and realized he was late for school. He put on his uniform and grabbed a piece of toast and ran out of the house. As he ran out he looked down and saw the newspaper. He only looked for a split second but he saw something about a purple wombat. He stopped to go ask his dad about it but he could hear the school bell ring off in the distance. Billy wondered what it was but he kept on running to school. When he got there he was 5 minutes late. He walked in and his teacher asked him why he was late. ""I read the newspaper and I saw something about a purple wombat and I stopped to think about it and went to ask my dad what the purple wombat was, however the bell rang before I could."" The teacher than said ""what.... you don't know what the purple wombat is?"" Billy answered ""No."" The classroom made a huge gasp as the teacher told Billy to go to the office. In the office the principal asked ""why are you here Billy?"" Billy said ""the teacher sent me."" ""Why did she send you?"" ""Because I asked what the purple wombat is."" At this the principal became mad. ""Billy get out of my office, get out of the school and only come back when you find out what the purple wombat is!"" At this Billy sadly walked home. When he got home his mother asked him ""why are you home so early? Are you sick?"" Billy said ""the principal sent me home."" ""Why"" ""Because I didn't know what the purple wombat was"" Billy's mother screamed in disgust. ""WHAT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE PURPLE WOMBAT IS? Go to your room and wait till your father comes home."" Billy, crying, went up to his room. A few hours later he heard the front door close. He heard voices come from downstairs then a pair of feet coming up the stairs. Billy's father came in and said. ""Your mother tells me that you were sent home. Care to tell me why?"" ""I didn't know what the purple wombat was."" At this Billy's father hollered. ""WHAT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE PURPLE WOMBAT IS? STAY IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL YOUR FIGURE IT OUT!!!"" Later that night Billy woke up to a tapping at his window. He opened it and heard a voice say ""hi Billy I'm the purple wombat!"" ""Come find me Billy!"" At this Billy snuck out of his house and entered the woods behind his house. He came to the edge of a lake. Again he heard the voice ""I'm the purple wombat! Come find me Billy!"" Billy then got into a boat and started rowing. About halfway out Billy heard a voice say ""Look up Billy I'm up here!"" Billy then looked up to see if he could find something. There was nothing there so he stood up to get a better look, however, the boat toppled and since Billy couldn't swim he drowned. Moral of the story: don't stand up in boats" +14783,0,"An amoeba was trying to carry a piece of teak wood Once, an amoeba was trying to carry a piece of teak wood. But, he was having trouble with it, for it was a tad too heavy. All of a sudden, a strong bacterium showed up, minding his own business, until he saw the amoeba carrying the wood. ""Do you need any help?"", the bacterium asked. Delighted, the amoeba said, ""Yes, thanks a lot!"". The bacterium replied, ""Don't worry, yeu! I'm a pro, I'll carry-yo-teak""" +14784,2,My Girlfriend caught me cheating so I broke up with her. I can't be with someone who can't mind their own business. +14785,0,"With the way women are acting these days, I think gender reveal parties are going to be less popular. ""Father reveal parties"" are going to be the next trend." +14786,1,People are rude. You make a compliment on someone's moustache and you get yelled at: that woman was so ungrateful... +14787,4,"Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under-qualified to work here.'" +14788,0,What’s the difference between a rooster and a hooker? The rooster says “cock-a-doodle-do!” But the hooker says “Any-cock-will-do” +14789,2,No one needs to spoil DC movies Them bitches come out spoiled. +14790,0,What do you call a security guard at Sleep Country? A mattress protector. +14791,4,I hear the inventor of auto correct died I didn't even know he was I'll +14792,8,Why does Kylo Ren never get girls? Because for most of his life he's Ben Solo EDIT: Thanks for so many upvotes! +14793,0,What do you call it when Batman skips church..? Christian Bale. +14794,1,Today I defeated a killer clown posse I went for their jugular +14795,1,"Three men find a genie [Long] Three men are walking along when they find a magic lamp. The genie pops out and offers each of them 3 wishes. The first man instantly shouts “I wish I had a billion dollars!” The genie nods his head and when the man checks his account he sees his balance has increased by 1 billion. The second man thinks and says “I wish I was the richest man in the world” the genie nods and the mans bank account shows over tens of billions. The third man thinks even longer and asks “I wish my right arm would rotate clockwise” the genie nods and the mans arm starts to spin The first man again yells out “I wish I had a beautiful wife” and suddenly a gorgeous woman appears by his side. The second man thinks and says “I want to be charming, charismatic, irresistible to woman.” The genie nods and the first mans wife begins to flirt with the second man. The third man pauses, “i wish my left arm would rotate anti-clockwise” the genie nods and the mans arms now spin in opposite directions. The first man decides for his third wish “I want to be healthy forever” The second man “and I want to stay 29 and never age a day” The third man thinks for a long time and finally requests “I want my head to nod back and forth forever” The first two men start to look healthier. Acne and wrinkles clearing, aches and pains disappearing, while the third mans head starts to rock back and forth. Years after the encounter the three men meet up at a bar The first man says “I’ve invested my money, my family will never want for anything, my beautiful wife and I make love every day and I’ve not had so much as a cold since the last time we saw each other” The second man says “I’ve donated to hundreds of charities while staying one of the wealthiest men in the world. I’ve traveled and met many beautiful exotic women and still have the energy and looks of a young man” The third man, with his right arm rotating clockwise, his left arm rotating anti clockwise, head nodding back and forth says to the men “Guys, I think I fucked up” " +14796,2,What do you call an area where multiple horses live? A neiiiighborhood. +14797,4,"My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh Weight Loss Program. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ""If you can catch me, you can have me."" Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ""If you catch me you can have me"". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program. ""Are you sure?"" asks the representative on the phone. ""This is our most rigorous program."" ""Absolutely,"" he replies, ""I haven't felt this good in years."" The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ""If I catch you, you are mine."" He lost 33 lbs that week." +14798,0,Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job. +14799,2,What do you call a Muslim father who works at a supermarket? a Baghdad +14800,2,"'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'" +14801,1,"I made small talk with a woman at the airport... ""I work in the circus actually,"" she says. ""No kidding? What's that like?"" I asked. ""Oh, it's in tents."" she replied." +14802,1,To the guy who hacked my Reddit account I'll find you and you'll pay for it Edit: No you won't +14803,1,What does your racist uncle have in common with the Ebola virus? They both make Thanksgiving dinner uncomfortable for everyone. +14804,0,What is the funniest french condiment? Le Mayo. +14805,0,"I tried to get a job as Chairman of General Electric, but I was not appointed. I was disappointed." +14806,3,Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in Equality And then I wait for the next bus. +14807,2,Do you know how much coke Charlie Sheen does? Enough to kill two and a half men.. +14808,0,"I am enraged! I spent my whole life being successful and giving my beautiful, blonde daughter every luxury money could afford and she went off and married a horse manure shoveler. At least he has a stable income though." +14809,1,"Marriage cost A little boy asked his father, ""Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"" Father replied, ""I don't know son, I'm still paying."" " +14810,1,How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. +14811,4,You brought a pun to a knife fight? That wasn’t very sharp.... +14812,1,How many polish people do you need to form a place of congregation? Ten poles +14813,0,"I find it hard, it's hard to find - Kurt Cobain looking for the TV remote" +14814,1,What do you call catching an Israelite troublemaker? Nettin’ a Yahoo +14815,0,Non-vaccinated children are the least likely to get any ear infections. Because they are anti-wax ​ +14816,0,"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck... ...and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?" +14817,6,"Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god ""is the earth flat?"" to which god answers ""No."" The flat earther looks at the other and says ""this goes higher than we thought""." +14818,1,Why did the orange cross the road? To get some juicy information +14819,3,"Hot air balloon A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: ""'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am"". The man below replied ""You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude"". ""You're a technician right?"" asked the balloonist. ""I am"" replied the man ""how did you know?"" ""Well,"" answered the balloonist, ""for one, everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk. For another\\-\\-"" The man below interrupted, ""You must be in management. You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!"" ""You must be unemployed."" said the balloonist. The man below confusedly asked, ""Why do you say that?"" ""Well,"" the balloonist replied, ""It's because I'm your fucking boss Sarah you blind ass cunt.""" +14820,0,"Joke A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday." +14821,1,What is Roger Federer’s favorite number? Ten is. +14822,2,My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused. +14823,0,"Amy Schumer is a strong, independent woman that never sheds a tear. Coz big girls don't cry. " +14824,1,We all know Albert Einstein was a genius But his brother Frank was a monster +14825,0,What's Michigan's favorite beer? PbR +14826,1,"1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 are in a group crying because they can't even Literally. Like, on a scale of one to even, they can't." +14827,0,What do you call a team of Christian mutant superheroes? The A-Men +14828,1,Why does Dr. Pepper come in cans and bottles? His wife is dead. +14829,1,What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection Mourning wood +14830,3,"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but it had no atmosphere " +14831,2,"My new girlfriend is coming over today. I had the chance to do it with my ex one last time, but I had to let her down. Then I put her back in her box." +14832,7,“Mom? What’s dark humor?” “Well son...you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.” +14833,1,"Waiter: ...and if you need anything, my name is Dave Me: What's your name if I don't need anything? (Yes, this is a repost of a comment, but since I posted the original, I figure I'm entitled.)" +14834,1,What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad? A Chicken Caesar salad +14835,1,Australians don't have sex... They mate. +14836,3,Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men? He thought they were a delivery service +14837,1,What do you call a goth slut? ...An Edgar Allan Hoe. +14838,1,What does the three eyed mexican say? Aye-Aye-Aye +14839,3,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." +14840,0,What do you call a secret society of beef trying to take over the world? The Meat Cabal +14841,2,I jack off in the shower so often... ...that I get a boner when it rains. +14842,0,Whats the difference between a washing machine and a woman? A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it. +14843,5,I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car... I clearly called shotgun. +14844,0,It's gonna be tough getting along with ai I've been working 8 years with a computer and I still don't know his first name. +14845,2,What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I didn't pay €50 in Amsterdam to have a lentil on my face. +14846,1,What do you call a lazy sandstone? A sedentary rock. +14847,0,Why does grape jam lack confidence? It’s concord. +14848,0,"[NSFW][Long] Ron Jeremy goes to heaven So there is this priest in the queue waiting to enter thru the Pearly Gates. The queue is long and he has been waiting quite some time. When suddenly there is a fanfare, and Ron Jeremy walks past all the people in the queue, and goes straight thru into heaven. The priest is most upset and asks St. Peter ""how come some porn star goes straight thru into heaven after the most venal behaviour, and I am left out here waiting"". And St. Peter says, ""you think you are special, but how many people did you manage to turn to god with your long droning sermons and tithes""? The priest pauses for reflection, and St. Peter continues. ""Now consider Ron Jeremy and his efforts. Think of how many women have sincerely called upon almighty god, and how many men have felt called upon to achieve similar feats !"" The priest goes back to stand in the queue, and hides the snickers bar in his robes." +14849,2,"A man and his girlfriend go broke and become homeless... With seemingly no one else to turn to, the man phones his father, whom he hasn't spoken to in years. The man says, ""Dad, my girlfriend and I have gone broke and become homeless, is there anything you can do for us? Some money? A job? A place to stay?"" The father responds, ""You and your girlfriend are homeless?"" ""Yes!"" ""Wow. Well... the sex must be intents."" " +14850,0,"Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A:to get to the house on the other side. Not funny? Okay, I have another one. Knock knock: who's there? THE CHICKEN!!" +14851,0,My vacuum got married last month You should see how much dog hair is on my carpet now +14852,1,There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth. Still life. +14853,1,What do a black guy and a paraplegic have in common? They're both only three fifths of a person +14854,3,What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor? Sheet. +14855,0,What do you call a murdered homosexual? Homocide +14856,5,"Ran into an old friend and they asked me ""how's it going""? I sighed a bit and answered ""Well, things could be better actually. Yeah, I had to find a way out of that business I'd started."" They said, ""Oh, really?"" ""I'd done some research and found out that female cow manure had less nutrients in it than male manure. Something to do with the nutrients finding their way into the cow's milk instead. So I'd invested in some analysis and had a dairy all lined up to keep its manure separated so they could get a premium for the manure from the males."" ""Wow, I didn't know. What happened?"" ""Well, I just couldn't find enough customers after the first round of sales. Was really disappointing."" ""That's too bad."" ""Yeah, everyone told me they didn't want any more of my bullshit.""" +14857,1,Why can't you insult Jewish people? Because they've already been roasted. +14858,2,"I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom " +14859,3,Never get in a serious relationship with a tennis player. Because love means nothing to them. +14860,0,What type of car do wealthy scuba divers drive? The Bends of course. +14861,2,John goes to a dentist Dentist: This will hurt a bit. John: Ok. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now. +14862,1,"I used to have multiple personalities... ""And how are you doing after all this time in therapy?"" We are all doing just fine. " +14863,1,"a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a meeting by train... a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a congress by train the economists all buy a ticket, the mathematicians buy a single ticket for their whole group when the conductor comes around, the economists all show their respective tickets the mathematicians on the other hand, they all go hide in the restroom the conductor knocks at the restroom door and yells: ""ticket please!"" the mathematicians shove the ticket under the restroom door, the conductor sees it, and moves on. ... when travelling back from the meeting, they all go by train in the other direction the economists buy a single ticket for their group, the mathematicians buy no ticket at all when the conductor comes around, the economists all go hide in the restroom a mathematician knocks at the restroom door and yells: ""ticket please!"" ... now, what do we learn from this joke? do not attempt to use methods you dont even understand!" +14864,3,"So I walked in on my roommate, masturbating And he was like, ""dude why the fuck is your dick out?! Get the hell out of my room!""" +14865,3,I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself That's the last thing I need +14866,1,"As I suspected. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my graden... The plot thickens." +14867,0,"What makes Americans great is their ability to laugh at themselves. By themselves, I mean other people. By laugh, I mean invade." +14868,3,What do you call a kid with no arms or legs and an eye patch? Names. +14869,0,Where do Zombies have their meatings? At headquarters! +14870,1,Children are like farts We can only tolerate our own. +14871,3,What did a Mexican take Xanax for? For Hispanic attacks +14872,1,Why do Spanish Teachers hate ending their music playlists with Abba? They think it is an imperfect ending. +14873,2,What's the only food that can trigger a feminazi? Gender roles +14874,2,"So, a baby seal walks into a club... *Best joke i've ever heard.*" +14875,0,"The other day I walked into a McDonald's I was wearing a tuxedo. A homeless man was standing outside and said, ""Hey man, I think you're a little over-dressed for eating at McDonald's haha"" I looked at him, laughed, and said, ""I think you're a little under-dressed for masturbating outside of McDonald's man.""" +14876,5,How does North Korea celebrate Christmas? With missile tows +14877,3,What did the pirate say to the prostitute? Yo ho. +14878,5,Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC? Cause it comes with a bucket. +14879,1,I asked a Hooker once as to how much she gets paid for an Anal. She said $1000. I felt bad for my Wife. She doesn't even get a warning. +14880,1,"Her lips said no, but her eyes said... read my lips" +14881,0,What do Donald Trump’s penis and midgets have in common? Very little. +14882,0,What music does Bernie sanders listen to? Progressive rock +14883,2,"Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.” Doctor: “How come?” Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”" +14884,0,"The best jokes are the ones that have to be explained. Get it? Because that's the opposite of the truth, I was using sarcasm." +14885,1,"How did the medical community come up with the term ""PMS""? ""Mad Cow Disease"" was already taken." +14886,9,TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book Cost me a fortune in stamps +14887,0,What do you call the Indian Godfather? Papa Dom +14888,0,What was Bill Cosby’s favorite magic trick? Making his fingers disappear +14889,0,What do you call secrets between citizens of Switzerland? *Swisspers* +14890,3,"A dog walks in a telegram office He takes a piece of paper and writes: ""Woof woof, woof. Woof woof woof, woof."" He then gives it to the clerk. The clerk looks at it and politely says to the dog, ""You can write three extra woofs for the same price."" The dog looks confused and says, ""But that would make no sense at all!""" +14891,0,What's an illiterate pirate's greatest fear? An AB-sea serpent +14892,0,"Yesterday, a plane crashed in a cemetary in Newfoundland There is already 823 deads, but the number will grow as Newfies keep digging." +14893,2,"A fish sees a fly over the river. The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump up to catch it so I could catch the fish and have a great meal.” Just while this was happening, a hunter eating a sandwich stumbles upon the scene and says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish could catch it so that bear could eat the fish so I could catch the bear off-guard and shoot him so I could have a great meal. I would drop my sandwich just to get a chance at a bear that huge!” Just then, a mouse wanders into the forest and sees what is happening. The mouse says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish could catch it, so that bear could eat the fish, so that human could drop his sandwich shooting that bear so I could eat the sandwich and have a great meal.” As this was all happening, a cat sees what is playing out and says “oh boy, I sure hope that fly drops six inches so that fish can catch it, so that bear can eat the fish, so that human can drop his sandwich shooting the bear, so that this mouse would be distracted eating his sandwich so that I can catch the mouse and have a great meal.” All of the sudden, the fly drops six inches. The fish jumps out of the water and catches the fly. The bear leaps into the water and snatches the fish. The hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear. The mouse lunges on top the sandwich. But then it all goes wrong. The cat trips over a stick while trying to charge the mouse and falls into the river, getting soaked by the oncoming rapids So I guess if a six inch fly drops, a pussy will get wet." +14894,5,What's the difference between Trump and Hitler? Hitler knew when to kill himself +14895,2,What do you call the sun when it masturbates? A heat stroke +14896,2,My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song. The proposal had a nice ring to it. +14897,6,"Black Testicles An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, ""Are my testicles black?"" The nurse, taken by surprise replies, ""I'm sorry?"" So he asks again ""Are my testicles black?"" Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in hand, lifts and inspect them. She lowers his robe, raises back up to him and says "" Mr. Johnson, you'll be happy to hear your testicles aren't black."" He looks at her, removing his oxygen mask and says, ""That's great and all but are my test results back?"" " +14898,0,"We should really stop joking about Jewish people... I mean, they've been roasted enough." +14899,3,Why does Dr.Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died last year +14900,2,"My wife and I are both feminists, but as a man, I'm better at it than she is." +14901,0,What’s the best way to get your landlord to fix up your apartment? Move out. +14902,5,"Jesus Christ goes up to heaven... He walks up an old man and says ""Excuse me but I'm looking for my father. The old man says ""That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"" Jesus says ""Well, actually, my father isn't really my father"". The old man says ""That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"" Jesus says ""My father was a carpenter"". The old man says ""That's funny! I'M a carpenter!!!"" Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say ""Daaaaaad!"" The old many throws his arms around Jesus and says ""Pinocchio!!!!""" +14903,0,Why can't Stevie Wonder read? Beacuse he's black +14904,0,I was watching videos online but the quality was atrocious. Then I realised I was on YouTuber. +14905,3,My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property... ... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme. +14906,0,What's the difference between a quadraplegic and spaghetti? Spaghetti actually moves when you suck it. +14907,0,What's the difference between Humans and a Bullet? Humans miss Tupac but the bullet didn't +14908,1,What’s the only thing better than the new Reddit? Everything. +14909,0,Have you ever made love at a festival? It's fucking intents! +14910,2,Did you hear about the shy masturbating turtle? he really came out of his shell +14911,3,A dung beatle walks into a bar. Is this stool taken? +14912,2,What's my favourite beer? The next one. +14913,6,What’s the worst part about being locked out of your car outside and abortion clinic? Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger +14914,0,What is Yoda's favorite car? A toy-Yoda.. ​ Lmao gotta love Game Grumps... FuNnNnNnNnYyYyYyYy JOKE! +14915,0,When life gives you lemons... Attempt to weaponize lemonade. +14916,0,When my head was cut off I stopped caring about anything I felt very detatched +14917,1,"Two beggars in London Two beggars in London Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ... Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib asks Ali :- 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3 Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'? Ali shows Habib his sign.... It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'." +14918,3,"A woman was just getting out of the shower... ...When the door-bell rang. ""It's the blind man"" he called. ""That's okay,"" she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door. ""Nice tits"" he said. ""Now, where do you want those blinds?"" " +14919,1,Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers? Its called the MaxiPad +14920,1,I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs +14921,0,What is an alcoholics favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird. +14922,1,What do you call a joke that’s told by Ed Gien? A rib tickler. +14923,1,There are 3 types of people. Those who can count and those who can’t. +14924,0,I hate coffee It irritates the shit out of me. +14925,0,What did the sister say when her brother asked to have sex with her? Sister: No! I can't we are brother and sister! Brother: Oh but I incest! +14926,1,What do you call a religious eagle? A bird of pray +14927,2,"My deaf girlfriend has a stutter, so I asked her to talk dirty to me. Best handjob I've ever had. " +14928,5,The difference between high school and prison Is that no one wanted me during high school +14929,1,"A Chinese man walks into a bar A Chinese man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts drinking a beer. The guy next to him asks ""do you know kung fu, karate, or any other martial art?"" The Chinese man replies ""why you ask dis, is because I Asian?"" The guy replies ""no, it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer"". " +14930,0,why catch pokemon.... Why catch pokemon when you can catch STD'S +14931,0,what do you call a whale that mates constantly? your girlfreind +14932,4,"{NSFW} CEO from a well-known company walked into his office one morning, not knowing that his zipper was down. His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked, ""Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"" This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood. Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, ""When you saw the garage door open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?"" The secretary smiled for a moment and said, ""No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was Mini with two flat tyres” " +14933,3,The FCC is trying to take away Net Neutrality. This isn’t a joke it’s real my dudes +14934,3,"A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.   The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.   The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.   “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”" +14935,1,"A major American chain of stores may be on the receiving end of some recent controversy. Although sources will not outright name the chain for legal purposes, they did say the stores have painted a giant target upon themselves." +14936,4,"A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ""You Can Be the Man of Your House."" He went storming to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ""From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"" The wife replied, the f***ing funeral director would be my first guess.""" +14937,2,"For Christmas my wife wanted a stuffed Reynard, but I forgot. So... Zero fox given." +14938,0,I got hit by a car I got hit by a car. It was so traumatizing. I hurt so much. I have bruises all over my leg from when I fell.. but the worst part was... it was parked! +14939,4,5 out of 6 doctors agree... ... that Russian Roulette is completely safe. +14940,0,What did the egg say to the clown?. Yokes on you. +14941,0,What do you call a duck that steals? A robber ducky. +14942,0,Did you hear about the homeowner who put the window dressings on the outside? He was blinds sided. +14943,0,"I injured myself last week I was on a walk with my boyfriend, when I tripped on a stone and cracked my head open. My head was in the grass and a snake managed to bite some of my exposed brain. This caused me to pass out. When I came to, my boyfriend had managed to sit me up on a bench nearby. He was looking intently at his phone before putting it away in his pocket and turning to me. He told me that he knew a way to get rid of snake venom, which he then tried. It was really blowing my mind." +14944,1,What did one lesbian say to the other lesbian? Can I be Frank with you? +14945,2,"If we have ""titty"" bars in the US... ... do they have ""facie"" bars in the Middle East? " +14946,2,I just found out I was adopted and was super depressed then my sister walked in looking hella thicc. +14947,1,Trump says he believes in traditional marriages He has had 3 of them so far +14948,2,"Two guys walk into a bar They walk up to the robot bartender and the first guy says ""I'll have an h2o."" The second guy says ""I'll have an h2o too!"" The robot bartender then murders them both because Elon Musk was right about AI. " +14949,0,France should change the color of their flag to all white. Cause that’s what it was throughout all of the wars. +14950,5,"My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic... I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord." +14951,1,What do you call a cow on two legs? Yo mama! +14952,0,Don't know how to read? hahahahaha +14953,0,What’s Chewbacca’s favourite day? Chewsday. +14954,0,"On the roof of a very tall building are four men... On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, ""This is for all my people"" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, ""This is for all my people"" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, ""This is for all my people"" and then throws the white guy off the roof." +14955,0,What do you call a bee from the US? USB +14956,6,"What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub?? Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole..." +14957,6,"A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served. The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check. As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into the air, and starts heading to the door. The owner is shocked, and starts chasing after the panda yelling “what the heck was that all about?” The panda just looks at him funny, then says “I’m a panda, look it up.” Then tosses him an encyclopedia and walks out the door. The owner flips it the page about pandas and starts reading aloud. “Panda, a large black and white bear, native to Asia, that eats shoots and leaves.” " +14958,0,"Fleetwood Mac are releasing a new album I don't pay much attention to them, but I've heard rumours" +14959,2,What did the dentist diagnosis the red head with? Gingervitis +14960,1,I've never understood why people climb up mountains in the early hours of the day... ...and then it dawned on me... +14961,2,What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called? A council flat. +14962,4,"I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am. " +14963,1,What do you call a woman made out of beef? Patty +14964,5,"Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, ""Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat. Little Tony replied, ""My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."" The man asked, ""Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"" Little Tony answered, ""No, he minded his own fucking business.""" +14965,4,What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common? Most Americans don't get it. +14966,1,Life is like a bisexual It fucks everybody +14967,0,"My friend is worried about his penis size “Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.” I said " +14968,5,"I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me." +14969,6,What happens when an atheist prays?.. The same thing that happens when a Christian does. +14970,1,What do you call a clown and a crook rolling in feces? The US elections. +14971,2,"Thor hasn't had sex in a while... It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off. And human chicks are hot. So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly. No Loki tricks necessary... besides, Thor's a big believer in informed, enthusiastic consent. They head back to her place. It's closer than is Asgard. And they proceed to fuck. But, hey... This is *Thor*. So this isn't just sex... It's the kind of sex that spurs an entire new genre of poetry: the Epic/Erotic Poem. I won't tell it here, but the poem was good. The sex, though. Just insane. A non-stop fucking, sucking, moaning, screaming, white-knuckled, thoroughly dehydrating affair. If you haven't caught my drift, let me just say straight out: it was ridiculous. The guy just didn't stop, and she was loving it... But even though she had a voracious appetite, she was no match for Thor. No human is. Eventually, she taps out. And as the woman lies in bed, little more than a heap of panting, twitching flesh, Thor feels guilty. She's put in an amazing effort, and she shouldn't feel bad that she's throwing in the towel now... She's up against a god, for Thor's sake. ""I'm Thor,"" he says. She looks up at him, quizzically. ""Of courth you're thor,"" she says. ""That wath amathing. Theriouthly, I'm more thor than I've ever felth in my life.""" +14972,2,Jesus must have been a champ in bed... He only came once and people all over the world are waiting for him to come again +14973,0,How does a fat Jedi get their robes on? By Force +14974,1,"Two old timers sitting down discussing retirement The first old man asks the 2nd if he's enjoying his free time. The 2nd old man says ""it's alright but I think my mind is starting to slip. I have a hard time remembering what way to put my underwear on in the mornings"". The first old man says ""that's easy, yellow in the front, brown in the back.""" +14975,7,"Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth. He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave couldn't cook for shit, but he's gotta try and get back to his wife. He spots a huge turkey, gobbling around, so he grabs it by the neck and breaks it. He plucks out the feathers, cuts it open and pulls out the giblets. He starts grabbing whatever food he can find in the kitchen, cramming it into the bird with his fist until there's no more room. He grabs a chocolate bar from his back pocket and melts it over the turkey for a glaze. Then he throws it in the oven and waits for it to cook. It smells like putrid crap, but he has no choice and calls the waiter to come and take it in to Jesus and his mates. After a few minutes he can hear them in the other room... Jesus and his disciples are chanting his name! ""^^dave... ^Dave... DAVE!!"" they must really love his food! ""DAVE... DAVE!... **DAAAVEE!!**"" **THWACK** He's hit by a blurry piercing light and suddenly finds himself back on his kitchen floor where he first passed out. ""Dave... What the hell is going on?"" shouts his wife He picks himself up off the floor and shouts, ""I'm back! I'm alive!! I've had the most incredible journey. I died and went to heaven, but I'm back!!"" ""DAVE..."" begins his wife ... ""WHAT IN THE BLAZING FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT!!?""" +14976,0,Why was Santa feeling sad? Because he couldn't buy any children presents as he was saint nickleless +14977,5,"A manager has two great employees... A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her. Jack walks in and says ""I guess you decided to let her go?"" Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says ""I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'""" +14978,0,Why didn't the Marshmallow Peep cross the road on Easter? Because it was a little chicken. +14979,4,Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth... But it DID stop that noise that you were making. +14980,1,"A man went into his local pharmacy to purchase condoms. After ringing his item up the cashier asked, ""Would you like a bag?"" The man responded, ""No, she's not that ugly.""" +14981,1,Did you know elephants paint their balls red to blend in with cherry trees? What’s the loudest noise in the jungle..? A giraffe eating cherries +14982,4,"A son asked his mother the following question: ""Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"" The mother looks at her son and replies, ""Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."" The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ""Dad why are wedding dresses white?"" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, ""Son, all household appliances come in white.""" +14983,1,"I tried being in a relationship with Jesus, but it didn’t work out... ...but kept getting too cross with me " +14984,5,Windmills? Huge fan. +14985,0,"So a guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a crow... So a guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. Next to him, he notices a crow squawking quietly into a glass of whiskey. He asks the bartender ""Why is there a crow in the bar?"" ""We serve anyone here."" The bartender says. ""Even crows."" Then the crow speaks up. ""Why does it even matter that I'm a crow? Maybe if you talked to me you'd learn how incredible my story is. I worked for NASA."" ""You worked for NASA?"" The man asks incredulously. ""Yeah, back in the sixties. I was the first crow to circle the planet in a rocket ship. Not that anyone cares. I might as well drink myself to death."" The crow turns back to his drink. ""Jeez,"" the man says to the bartender. ""What's his problem?"" ""Oh, I don't know."" The bartender responds. ""It's my son."" The crow speaks again. ""He's been trying to get into colleges, but none will accept him."" ""Surely there would be special scholarships for that right?"" The man asks. ""How many birds are trying to get into college?"" ""Oh, they don't care."" The crow sighs. ""God forbid you forget the poor kid of a morbid ol' orbital corvid.""" +14986,3,"I like my women like I like my coffee Rich, white, and creamy" +14987,1,What's the worst thing with being diagnosed with alzheimers? You always get it more than once. +14988,0,"A Chinese, Italian, and Canadian are on a cargo plane A Chinese, Italian, and Canadian are on a cargo plane. All of a sudden, the plane has a problem and needs to be lighter. The Chinese throws out rice, saying ""I have too much at home. I can afford this."" The Italian throws out pasta, saying ""I have too much at home. I can afford this."" The Canadian throws out the Chinese and the Italian, saying ""I have too much at home. I can afford this.""" +14989,2,Did you hear Papa John got fired? He’s now just a pizza history. +14990,3,"I recently went on one of those once in a lifetime trips. I'll tell you what, never again." +14991,1,"The age old question So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed, and the egg is smoking a cigarette. So the chicken turns to the egg and says, ""well I guess that answers that question."" " +14992,1,What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs? Dragon lips +14993,0,Amazon Prime is seriously way better than Netflix. I love it almost as much as my Zune. +14994,3,"I dig, She digs, He digs, They dig, We all dig.... Its a beautiful poem....very deep." +14995,1,Two bears and three bears walk into a bar..... They ask for oil price from 2015 through 2017. +14996,1,I like my women how I like hats on my head. +14997,0,"My friend asked me if my favorite spaceman was the villain from Superman 2 or the first man on the moon. I told him: ""Neil before Zod""" +14998,0,How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Roll up her sleeve +14999,0,I knew a girl who always confused her birth control and anti-depressants She had the sweetest little baby. +15000,4,Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is. +15001,1,What do you call a fit Muslim man? Moe Slim! +15002,0,Why is Trump so sure he can't lose? Because every time he plays the slots he wins a soda can +15003,3,Why did the transgender couple break up? One cheated on the other while they were abroad. +15004,0,Why do metals never get invited to parties? They don't follow the periodic trends very well. +15005,0,I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and put in my freezer +15006,2,"When I was born I was circumcised... It hurts so bad I didn't walk for year. In fact, I was so upset with my parents I didn't talk to them for like 18 months!" +15007,6,"Whenever I undress in my bathroom, my shower gets turned on." +15008,1,Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom. +15009,1,"The new manager gets handed 3 envelopes The exiting manager gives the incoming manager 3 envelopes and says “When you get in trouble, open an envelope”. After a few months of work, the manager gets in trouble and remembers about the three envelopes so she opens the first one. Envelope #1 says “Blame your predecessors.” She manages her way out of the issue. After some time, the managers gets in trouble again and she goes for the second envelope. Envelope #2 says “Blame your staff.” She manages her way out of the issue. The manager gets in trouble yet again and she immediately goes straight for the third envelope. Envelope #3 says “Prepare three envelopes.”" +15010,0,What did the pepper say after getting punched in the face by the salt Why you gotta be so a- salty +15011,6,"If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice, Sam replied “… the balcony.” [Edit: misspelling in joke title. Tried to correct it but apparently you can't edit the title]" +15012,1,"A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm. The man agrees and goes home with the cat. The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body. The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat. The man replies: ""Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his ass... But when it came to the hot water...""" +15013,0,"My friend and I like to talk by radio... Today, I asked him to tell me what the date is. He responded: ""10-4, buddy""" +15014,1,"Helium walks into a bar The bartender says, ""We don't serve your kind here"". Helium had no reaction." +15015,0,Why does a pirate wear underwear? To hide his booty +15016,0,What does Fred Flintstone say when he correctly flips a water bottle? YO BRA DAB I DO! +15017,0,Why did the bee cross the road To buzz to the other side +15018,0,What does an egg need? A need for heat +15019,0,"A Muslim family goes zoo with their child. The child ends up jumping into the gorilla pen, to which the gorilla grabs the child and begins throwing it around. A zookeeper comes out, assesses the situation, and walks back inside without taking any action. The mother says to her husband: ""Why doesn't he shoot the gorilla? My child is in danger."" The husband responds: ""Because that's haram, bae.""" +15020,4,"A bar is holding open auditions for a new piano player, And after hours of mediocre piano players, a drunk man walks in and asks to audition. The bar owner looks at him and hesitantly says, “Sure, whenever you’re ready.” The drunk man sits at the piano and plays a great, fun, complex piece on the piano. When he’s done the bar owner says, “hey, that was actually really good. what song was that?” The drunk man answers, “it’s a song I wrote. I call it ‘Your mother’s a whore.” The bar owner is a little taken back but decides the song was so good he’d let it go. He asks the drunk man to play another one. And he continues to play the most beautiful song the bar owner had ever heard. When the song finished the bar owner wipes a tear from his eye and says, “that was one of the best songs ive ever heard on the piano, did you write that one too?” The drunk man replies, “sure did. That one’s called, ‘fuck you, and suck my dick.’” The bar owner again is surprised but decides to give the drunk the job on the condition he doesn’t announce any of the names of the songs. So the next week the man is playing his first gig, playing all of his songs, but not announcing any of the names. The crowd is loving every second of it and everyone’s buying drinks. It was on of the best nights the bar had ever had! The piano player is drunk again at this point and announces he’s gonna take a quick bathroom break. So he stumbles on his way to the bathroom and comes out 5 minutes later with his pants down. Another man at the bar sees him and says, “excuse me sir, do you know your pants are down, and your dick is out?” And the drunk piano player scoffs, and replies, “Do I know it?? I wrote it!”" +15021,3,I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. But then it clicked. +15022,0,"Giraffe walks into a bar... bartender points to sign - ""No tall tails allowed."" Giraffe says ""but I ain't lion!"" Down the bar, the lion groans ""Have you no pride?"" Cheetah in the corner yells ""I'm fast getting tired of these stupid puns!"" Giraffe - ""Guess I'll find a new watering hole."" Remember to tip your waiter!" +15023,2,>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive] \\>>A jew \\>what do you call a person who worships a jew? \\>>Christian +15024,4,"What's wrong with a joke containing Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium? It's CoRnY" +15025,0,Pokémon now has a porn movie out. Pikascrew +15026,1,What do you call a father without a car? The walking dad. +15027,3,What's the difference between a soprano and a porsche? Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche +15028,3,Why don't witches ever wear underwear? Gives 'em a better grip on their brooms... +15029,0,What do Arsenal fans call tanning salons? Ray Parlours +15030,0,How do you greet a no-armed person? Well high five clearly wasn’t right. +15031,1,Why did the scarecrow receive an award? He was outstanding in his field +15032,1,"What did the math teacher say when he found his ruler in the boys' locker room? It smells like a foot. I'm sorry, LOL. I swear I didn't read this anywhere, it just kinda popped into my head when doing yard work. Haha" +15033,0,"I was out late drinking last night When I arrived home I walked in quietly and slipped in bed without waking my wife. In the morning she asked me, ""You came home drunk again last night, didn't you!?"" I responded, ""No honey, I had plenty of time to sober up during the drive.""" +15034,1,"I was quite an upbeat child I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel" +15035,1,"I said a prayer the other day but forgot to say the last bit. It's ok though, amended it" +15036,0,My friend says he’s got a psychic duck He’s got it all dressed up like a gypsy in a little circus tent in his house. “What are you on?” I said to him. “Quack” said the duck. +15037,1,"I've grown bored of reality, So I started watching cable news." +15038,2,Why aren't you allowed to take inventories in afghanistan? Because of the Tally Ban. +15039,1,Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why Cause your gonna go far kid +15040,0,Picked up a chick at a bar last night My friends are pretty jealous of my Torchick +15041,6,Why don't women wear skirts in the winter? Chapped lips +15042,0,Did you know Colin Firth's brother has the same first name different last name? Colin Thecond. +15043,2,What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus? Math debaters +15044,2,What do you call marijuana overdose? Blunt-force trauma +15045,2,You can still smoke marijuana today. Because four twenty two is four twenty too +15046,3,"A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl. The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily. Doctor: ""Why you give her an apple everyday?"" Engineer: ""Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"" I'll see myself out" +15047,0,"​Why the police cannot solve any crimes in Flint, Michigan? ​Because all the lead is in the water" +15048,3,Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt +15049,7,"A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No"", he replies, ""I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" The cowboy explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What's it telling you now?"" ""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ""Damn thing's an hour fast.""" +15050,2,"A lady goes to the doctor. A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, ""Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"" The doctor says, ""I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."" ""Nah,"" she says, ""that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." +15051,0,"I caught up with an old friend. He asked if I was still mixing up old school metaphors... I replied ""does the Pope shit in the woods?""" +15052,1,If apple made a car Would it have windows? I found this on YouTube In comments. Thought it was funny. +15053,0,"Shooting yourself in the head probably won't solve your problems, But it's worth a shot." +15054,2,I love the way the earth rotates... It really makes my day +15055,1,"A man works at an Aquarium Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium. Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium hadn't had any trainers, so they came up with a gimmick, where people could purchase treats for the seals to get them to do tricks on their own. This worked wonderfully, people would buy the treats, get the seals to do the tricks, then throw them in. Unfortunately, this had the side effect of the seals starting to put on weight very rapidly as more and more people came to see the seals that would do tricks whenever people wanted. In fact, this sort of thing wound up being a problem with a number of the animals. Small things the staff overlooked resulting in animals getting out of shape or otherwise ill. So they had a bunch of their best animals needing things. By this point, however, the aquarium/zoo hybrid had gotten very successful. Suddenly, they had a lot of money on their hands, more than they would normally know what to do with. Normally, that is. Right now, they had something they could spend it on: getting proper health care for their animals. So they made a conference, sort of a... auction, to see who could provide the best services and methods to get their animals healthy and happy again. There was a guy who did dental work on predatory cats, a pair of twins (as in, two pairs of twins not just two people who were twins) who rehabilitated sick pandas, and a lady who did fitness programs for seals, among many others. And as they would go down their list they would call out people by their service. So like, ""would the lion dentist please approach the stand."" They were going through this, and finally got to the woman who had proposed her service to get the seals back in shape. But unfortunately, she'd had to go to the bathroom and wasn't in the auditorium at the time. So their first call of ""Would the Madam for seal fitness please head to the stage?"" got no answer, as she was in the bathroom. ""Could the woman with the seal exercise program please identify herself?"" Having received still no reply, the announcer called out one last time: ""Would the seals gym lady please stand up?""" +15056,0,What is the difference between a philanthropist and Nicki Minaj? A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**! :-P +15057,1,Hockey players are good at making new friends. They break the ice really quickly. +15058,0,"Ron Perlman is widely considered to be the devil He is most popular from Hell, boy" +15059,5,"My Uncle used to say: ""when one door closes, another opens"" He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker." +15060,0,"Teacher: Why are you late? Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”!" +15061,2,"Ok, so, for some reason, my lesbian neighbours just gave me a brand new Rolex... I think they misunderstood when I said ""I wanna watch.""" +15062,1,"All of my family have died ironic deaths, like my grandfather, whose star sign was Cancer he died from a giant crab attack." +15063,1,"TIFU by offering a homeless guy to fly for the rest of his life As a show of goodwill, I told a homeless guy I would fullfill whatever wish he had. He told me he would like to fly in my chartered plane once, while being served by gorgeous hostesses. I obliged. While travelling in the plane, he was enjoing with the finest wine and the finest ladies around him. I asked him ""Would you want to fly for the rest of your life?"" He said ""Whoa! Definitely Man! Thanks!"" I pushed him out of the plane" +15064,2,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island... One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, ""Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."" The brunette says, ""I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."" POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, ""I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."" POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, ""My dear, what's the matter?"" The blonde whimpers, ""I wish my friends were still here.""" +15065,1,"Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the ""reverse Trump?"" No, seriously, I need to reverse what he did to me. " +15066,2,What do you call a fat thot? Hobese. +15067,1,Today Americans celebrate Labor Day By not working and expecting to get paid for it. +15068,2,What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. +15069,6,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. Why did 7 eat 9? Because you need 3 squared meals a day. The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why? Because 3 was the root of the problem." +15070,0,"You know, people have actually mailed themselves in boxes to other people... I know, that's called adoption." +15071,2,what is a mortician's favorite exercise? the deadlift +15072,0,Do you want to know the two rules of success? Don’t tell everything you know +15073,4,"Son: ""Dad whats a paradox?"" Dad: ""When there's two doctors in a room.""" +15074,1,What kind of batteries does a fish use? C batteries! +15075,0,What do you call a tall black person? A negro. +15076,0,What do you call a woman who sets fire to her mortgage statement? Bernadette +15077,1,I used to be addicted to rolling around in horse-shit I've been clean for almost two years now. +15078,0,"An hot chick goes to the shop. ""Hey sugar,"" she says to the shop owner. ""I am in a bit of a rush to get everything on the grocery list, before I need to be at to my friends party. Can you pick it all out for me?"" The owner looks at the list: 2 dozen eggs, 1 loaf of bread, 1 block colby jack cheese, 2 lbs hard salami, 8 oz each of parsley, thyme, wheat extract, cinnamon and salt. He responds, ""I'm sorry madam, I have the thyme, but I haven't had a hard salami in years.""" +15079,1,"The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not intimidating in the slightest. The two had met in a bar on a clear, starry night in the middle of July. The second Zachary had stepped in his gaze immediately met Angie’s. He approached her without a thought as to what he would say and had taken a seat mere inches from her. She turned to him, a gleam in her eyes as she introduced herself. “Good evening, the name’s Angie. How are you tonight?” A faint seductiveness in her voice sent a tingle down Zachary’s spine as he hurried. “Lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?” Now, Zachary was always a fairly shy man. Despite his appearance he was never one for starting conversation and his fear was only elevated even more by the fact that Angie was by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. The two talked some more throughout the night and eventually grew comfortable with one another. Despite her lifestyle Angie’s favourite genre of music had turned out to be soft-rock, which lo and behold Zachary was an artist in. “Why don’t you come to my concert? I’m playing tomorrow night at the theatre south of town and I’d love to have you there with me.” Angie had sprung on the offer, not wasting a second as she accepted with a great deal of enthusiasm. She gave him her address and phone number with a small note written on the bottom right: “pick me up at 10” with a heart drawn right next to it. The next night Angie had waited for her parents to go to bed before going out to wait at her door for Zachary. Luckily, he’d arrived in the nick of time. “I’m on in an hour. If we hurry we can make it about 10 minutes early.” Once the two had arrived Zachary led Angie backstage, telling her to wait for his call in order to find the best seat in the theatre to watch him play. Not five minutes passed once her phone buzzed, with the message “there’s a seat right in front of the mic stand, I got the set-up crew to reserve it for you.” Once the concert had begun Zachary stepped up to the mic and looked right into Angie’s eyes while saying “this first song goes out to the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the chance of meeting.” Throughout the concert Angie’s eyes were glued to Zachary. She could feel herself falling deeper and deeper in love with him as he played, her beautiful, green eyes still stuck to his image long after the final song had been played. Once backstage Angie had rushed toward her lover, locking lips with him and holding him as close to her as she could. Once the kiss had broken she jumped in place ecstatically, screaming in joy “that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, Zachary! You were incredible out there!” The drummer could be heard from the snack table, “I’m here, too, you know,” but to no avail. Zachary led Angie to the side where he held her hands and gazed deeply into her eyes, and said to her: “Angie, I can’t stay here forever. I’m always travelling and I can’t just leave my life behind.” Angie’s eyes welled up as she fought to choke back tears. “Please, don’t cry. We can work around that.” “How?” Whispered Angie, her throat still sore from crying. “Come with me! We can travel the world together! You can leave this old melon business behind and we could be together!” “I...” Angie said to herself. “What is it?” “I don’t think that’s possible.” “Why not?” Now Zachary was starting to cry. “My father would never approve of it. He wants me to become a farmer just like him to keep the family business running.” “Angie, please,” begged Zachary. “I love you so much! I don’t want to leave you behind!” “I’m sorry, my dear,” cried Angie, wiping the tears from her cheek. “I cantaloupe.”" +15080,2,"A man goes up to a librarian and says, ""Can I have a burger, please?"" ""Sir, this is a library.""   ^^""Sorry, ^^can ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^burger, ^^please?""" +15081,1,"Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house... Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house. If you're Bill Gates you could do whatever the fuck you want, your windows will always be safe. " +15082,0,"I haven't seen you since last year... Just kidding, I watched you sleep." +15083,1,How do you call Samuel L. Jackson with a STD? Laurence Piss-burne. +15084,0,"92 year old man goes to the dentist During the exam, the dentist asks if he is brushing and flossing. The man says ""I have to tell you that yesterday I had sex with 2 beautiful coeds."" The dentist asks"" why are you telling me this?"" The man answers ""hell, doc. I'm telling everyone!""" +15085,2,"John, who lost his leg because of the war. John was sitting on a bench eating a poptart, with one of his arms on the inside of his shirt instead of through his sleeve. One of his friends came up and said, ""Oh man, a pop tart?! That looks delicious! Where'd you get it!"" John responded, ""At the store down the street, but be careful, in this economy it'll cost you an arm and a leg.""" +15086,3,The stock market is like sex. You just need to know when to pull out. +15087,0,Once upon a time there was a happy woman... But that was only once and it was only one woman! +15088,0,How heavy is a Chinese dumpling? Wonton. +15089,0,I was kicked out of the cub scouts. For eating a Brownie. +15090,3,"How do you keep 100,000 idiots in suspense Please stand by" +15091,3,What's the biggest lie I was told in sex ed class? That i'd eventually have sex. +15092,2,I was going to tell a joke about Social Security But I realized no one was likely to get it. +15093,0,How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Just let her do the dishes in the dark. +15094,1,Why can the Devil never go back to Georgia? He fiddled up a little kid. +15095,1,I keep telling this joke about the plane that crashed into the twin towers It's a shame it never lands +15096,1,My girlfriend said I was terrible at maths. So I did a 360 and left. +15097,0,My uncle got roasted by a whole crowd of people yesterday... He was found guilty of murdering his wife and was sentenced to life in jail. +15098,2,"A Man Had Three Beautiful Girlfriends But Didn't Know Which One to Marry... As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, ""I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."" The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, ""I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."" The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, ""I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."" The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits." +15099,4,Seven year old brother hit me with this one Him: How do people look at the internet? Me: How? Him: With their google-y eyes +15100,1,Why did the Bee go to the Doctor? It had Hives +15101,2,"The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military. Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship." +15102,0,Friend: Did you hear about the massive intel security breach? Me: Yeah I guess intels been giving away our intel +15103,1,Floppy disks are like Jesus They died to become the icon of saving. +15104,1,"The judge asked the witness, ""Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"" ""I do."" ""And do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"" ""Sure. My side will win.""" +15105,2,My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. +15106,0,What rock band suffers from obsessions? OC/DC +15107,4,What's the difference between Racism and the Chinese? Racism has many faces. +15108,0,86% of Catholic priests know how to play the piano... They love to play in A minor. +15109,0,"One day in a class Bobby is asked questions One day in a class Bobby is asked questions. His history teacher Marie keeps asking him questions but his answers are always the same. Sometimes, they are correct but most of the time they aren't. Marie asks which country dropped two bombs at Hiroshima and Nagasaki on World War 2? Bobby answers the USA. Maries proceeds "" Where was Mahatma Gandhi born?"" Bobby answers ""USA"". Marie yells ""NO, Bobby! It's India!."" ""Okay, next. Which country did Columbia discover?"" Bobby answers ""USA"". Marie nods her head. She goes ""Which country is Hitler from?"" Bobby answers ""USA"". Angrily Maries exclaims ""No, Bobby it's Germany. Why the fuck do you keep saying the same thing?!"" Bobby says ""Well, I read it"". " +15110,2,"What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination? ""Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!""" +15111,1,"Asked my doctor for a blood test I went to see my doctor to have some blood tests. I've always been wanting to get this one test done, but it's really uncommon, so I made sure to ask my doctor for it as politely as possible. However, when I asked him to test my Midi-chlorian count, he said: ""you're gonna have to force me to"". Kinda rude, I figured. Sooo... Anyone know of a good GP?" +15112,0,A white guy a Mexican and a black guy are all sitting on a roof The Mexican says: “we have to many of these in my country” he throws off a burrito The black guy says “we have too many of these in my country” he throw off a bucket of fried chicken And the white guy says “we have too many of these in our country” and throws the Mexican and black guy off the building +15113,0,Bad joke Why do archaeologists make poor life partners? +15114,1,What is the color of dripping water? Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. +15115,0,Having sex while camping is so amazing it's ***In-Tents*** +15116,1,"Sunburns. Dont even try to challenge the Sun on a roasting session, they give out the sickest burns in the Galaxy." +15117,2,And god said come forth and you shall have eternal life But John came fifth so he won a toaster. +15118,0,What's Grey Worm from GOT favourite song? Mesunday Bloody Mesunday! +15119,3,What happens when a cow jumps over a barb wire fence? Udder destruction +15120,2,What do you call a relative of Lil Pump? A Pump-Kin +15121,1,"Everybody's pushing this Bird Box thing, but it sounds awful A new bird every month? My God, I'll go broke in a year on the millet costs alone." +15122,5,What's the difference between an elevator and a redditor? An elevator has a GF +15123,1,What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus. +15124,4,"The Mexicans are really angry about the wall. Don't worry, they'll get over it" +15125,0,Space jokes are always funny. No matter what. +15126,0,Why did the boy peek down the toilet bowl? He was trying to find Winnie the Pooh. +15127,0,What kind of pants do the Mario Brothers wear? Denim denim denim. +15128,1,I explain things like a dude’s piss Sometimes it just doesn’t come out right +15129,0,What do you call a medical student who barely clears their final exam? Doctor +15130,0,"A drunk man walks into a bar ... ""Jesus, Craig, you suck at playing limbo!"" said the man's friend." +15131,3,"The Gorilla Catcher A gorilla escapes from the zoo, so the city government hires a professional gorilla catcher to go and retrieve it. The gorilla catcher starts cruising around town in his pickup, until he comes to the suburbs. In the suburbs, he sees a gorilla on the roof of a house. He gets out of his pickup and walks up to the door, and rings the doorbell. A man comes to the door and the gorilla catcher says: ""There's a gorilla on your roof, and I'm the gorilla catcher. I'm going to need your help to get him down."" Together, they walk down to the pickup and the gorilla catcher gets his supplies out of the back. He takes out a baseball bat, a shotgun, a net, and a dog. He says to the man: ""I'm going to climb up on the roof with the baseball bat and knock down the gorilla. When he hits the ground, the dog will run up and grab him by the balls. That's when you throw the net on him."" The man asks: ""Whats the shotgun for?"" The gorilla catcher replies:""Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, shoot the dog.""" +15132,2,How do you tell if your gas station attendant is a former porn star? Right before he finishes pumping your gas he takes it out and sprays it all over your car +15133,2,Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem? Because solving problems are ruff. +15134,0,"I’ve heard that being a dick to a girl can get her to like you couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the balls" +15135,0,What are the similarities between Cocaine and Gain detergent? A:With both of them you go sniff sniff hooray! +15136,4,"I got a job at a circle making factory! Sadly, I was fired today because I was cutting corners" +15137,2,Hey Girl did you know you're over 65% Water? And im thirsty. +15138,1,"A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War. He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious. The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help. He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof. He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble. The man's legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters. ""You're bleeding out, my friend,"" the officer sighs, slumping down next to him. ""Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments."" The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod. The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: ""Ze stars will calm you."" They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes. Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky. ""A shooting star,"" the young man says with a weak smile. The German just laughs. ""What's so funny?"" ""Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland: 'You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.'""" +15139,0,"Funny, when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's called a ""whore""... But when I sleep with a lot of guys I'm called a ""faggot""!" +15140,0,Comedy At Its Peak Man With Itchy Bum Have Stinky Finger +15141,1,Why did the dinosaur newspaper shut down? It's ratings were killed off by social meteor! +15142,2,What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaa! +15143,0,I was gunna make a joke but then I took an arrow to the knee +15144,1,Did you hear about the guy who caught a STD after having sex with a velociraptor? He’s got dino-sores. +15145,0,"I have a crush with a lady Boy: Dad I have a crush with a lady, she's so beautiful, I want to date her Dad: who is she? Boy: Ana, the girl next door Dad: Son don't tell your mother but she's my daughter The boy got angry, a few weeks went by. Boy: Dad I think I'm in love, and she's more beautiful Dad: who is she? Boy: Jen, our neighbor Dad: Son you're so pitiful but she's also my daughter These had happened many times and the boy came cyring to his mom. Boy: Mom I hate dad, I happened to like five beautiful ladies but I can't date them because they're Dad's daughters Mom: don't worry son you can date them, don't believe your dad, he's not your father!" +15146,0,"Therapist: So, how was your day? Dog: Ruff!" +15147,1,"Three friends were drinking in a bar... ... when a 4th friend arrives in a rush and says: ""Guess who came out as gay after getting old!"" Full of curiosity one of them asks: ""Who?"". The fourth friend says: ""Give me a kiss and I'll tell you!"" Ps.: Sorry for the English. Appreciate inbox corrections =\\)" +15148,7,Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud. +15149,4,I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light! He's my super visor +15150,5,"Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed... like my name, phone number, address, etc." +15151,1,What do you call professionals trolls? Master baiters +15152,0,"My friend Albert was so smart, you know what they called him? Einstein." +15153,3,"That Darned Auto-Correct A man sends a text to his next-door neighbor: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.” Feeling outrage & betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife. Moments later the man gets a second text: “I really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi’." +15154,2,Ever hear of a camping orgy? It's fucking in tents. +15155,8,We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... ... but his brother Frank was a monster +15156,0,When they did my moms ultrasound they thought I had a twin brother... Then they realized it was just my dick! +15157,1,A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says... “Make me one with everything.” +15158,2,This morning i went to a premature ejaculators support group Turns out it’s tomorrow +15159,4,My friends keep insisting I’m too frugal. I’m not buying it. +15160,3,a blind man walks into a bar And a table And a chair +15161,1,"In a clinic There's a woman in a room with the doctor. While doctor is writing, the woman starts speaking: ""Well doc, I believe I've became invisible..."" The doctor instantly get up off his chair and reply: ""OMFG, WHO SAID THAT?!"" Heard that from my English teacher, sorry if it's a repost." +15162,1,Why shouldn’t you wear Russian Y-fronts? Because Chernobyl fall out. +15163,0,What do dogs say when they see an attractive dog? woof +15164,2,Someone asked me whether my children are going to be vegetarian I said they would probably be made of meat like everyone elses +15165,1,"When doing anal Saying ""I'll fuck the shit out of you"" has multiple meanings" +15166,7,"Substitute Priest A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" The priest asks, ""What did you do?"". The woman says, ""I committed adultery."" Priest: ""How many times?"" Woman: ""Three times."" Priest: ""Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.” A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" Priest: ""What did you do?"" Man: ""I committed adultery."" Priest: ""How many times?"" Man: ""Three times."" Priest: ""Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.” The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" Rabbi: ""What did you do?"" Woman: ""I committed adultery."" Rabbi: ""How many times?"" Woman: ""Once.” Rabbi: ""Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.” " +15167,4,"How to cheer up your spouse A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was. ""It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with"". His wife said ""I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up"". The husband replied ""I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today"". ""I think I can make you smile with my right hand"". ""Not a chance"" was the husband's reply. ""What about if I use both of my hands""? ""Nope, it was a really bad day"". ""How about I use both my hands and my mouth""? ""That's not going to do it either"". Finally the wife says ""how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue""? The husband says ""OK, let's see what you've got"". The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt!" +15168,1,You know I've always wanted clean mirrors for a living... It's just something i can see myself doing. +15169,2,The officer came and asked where I was between 5 and 6... I said kindergarten +15170,2,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. +15171,0,"Toy story joke *buzz fucking bo peep* *Woody walks in* Woody : ""what's this?"" ...... Bo : ""You've got a friend in me...""" +15172,2,"We had a kid in my high school called Diarrhea Dave, and everyone assumed he had a nasty accident. Actually, he was just the only kid in our class who could spell it." +15173,0,Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. +15174,0,Did you hear about the NBA star turned brewmaster? They say he's got hops! +15175,0,"A friend of mine with a past of having boring ex-girlfriends decided to make things interesting by making a pornstar his girlfriend. During a camping trip with her and her co-workers one night, I decided to give him a call and ask him how he's liking his new girlfriend. He responds with ""she's fucking intense.""" +15176,0,I know women naturally aren’t as good at swimming as men ...but you’d at least expect them to be faster at the breaststroke +15177,1,What did the Jamaican think of Pokemon? It was pretty Ok-mon. +15178,1,Why was the German afraid of the railway crossing? There was a Freight Train. +15179,3,"Masturbation is a lot like eating a Cinnabon You feel guilty after both, and the cleanup is the same. " +15180,6,Never challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. +15181,1,"What are Mario's overalls made from ? Denim, Denim, Denim. . ." +15182,1,"What did Jessie say to Woody when he caught her cheating with Buzz? ""You've got a friend in me.""" +15183,0,Why didn't the little girl finish her lollipop? She was hit by a bus +15184,4,What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to put the picture of Jesus up on a wall +15185,0,I just got pushed off an airplane... AMA +15186,4,"Three mathematicians have known each other for years. An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more calculations, factors in the highest possible air resistance and fires his bow. His arrows flies over the buck and lands 20 feet behind it. Finally, the statistician runs some calculations of his own and excitedly exclaims “We got him!”" +15187,3,The only girl who ever texts me... Is Amber Alert. +15188,2,"A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said ""congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."" The redneck said ""I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."" The nurse replied ""you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black.""" +15189,5,Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing. +15190,0,What's pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword. +15191,2,"A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick. His boss told him : “When I’m feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.” Ok - said the employee, An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went. The employee replies : “It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.”" +15192,0,President Trump's choice for Supreme Court Justice is strongly opposed to euthanasia. I wonder what he's got against kids in the Orient? +15193,3,"The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”" +15194,3,My problem with self-deprecation... is that I suck at it. +15195,2,"Why are French omelettes so small? Because to them one egg is ""un oeuf""" +15196,0,I met a man with one eye. His name was Casey. I don't know the name of his other eye. +15197,0,"I only got two things for my birthday... A piece of ass, and a new pair of jeans... They were both two sizes too big. " +15198,0,"I once took a class called Authoritarianism 101, but it was too hard The professor was a total Nazi" +15199,0,"[NSFW] A guy walks into a bar... .. and walks up to take a seat. The bartender walks over and ask, ""what can I get you?"" ""Oh, I'll just have a coke"" the man replies. The bartender obliged and fixed his drink. He handed it to the man and said, ""You know, when people come to a bar, they usually have a beer or a cocktail"". The man replied, ""Yes I know, but last week I went out, got drunk, went home, blew chunks and passed out"". The bartender laughed, ""Hah! Well that happens to everyone!"" The man says, ""No you don't understand, Chunks is my dog.""" +15200,0,If your about to die You have the rest of your life to think about it +15201,1,Why do dogs lick their own balls? Because they **can**. +15202,6,"I began speed reading, and just last night I read “The Da Vinci Code” in fifteen minutes. I know it’s only 4 words, but it’s a start. " +15203,10,"A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW] At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. ""Dad!"" she exclaimed in a panic ""... I'm sorry"" The dad being a dad replies ""Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks ""Are you fucking Sorry?"" " +15204,1,What's a jalopy's favorite leafy green vegetable? Aruuugula +15205,1,My new years resolution is gonna be better than last years it's 1080p instead of 720p +15206,1,"I wanted a simple definition for ""inexplicable"" means. But it's really hard to explain." +15207,1,"A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.” " +15208,0,My favorite one liner ever!!! Last night I walked into a bar it hurt +15209,1,Why are ghosts bad liars? You can see right through them. +15210,0,What do you call Hawkeye when he grows old Cockeye +15211,0,"Did you hear about the swimmer who drowned in the atlantic? He thought he saw a life raft, but it was just a red herring." +15212,0,Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. +15213,0,What will Thanos do if he is getting bullied Answer: Thanos finally snapped but his bully is too big and fat that he had to clap +15214,0,Harrison's family Harrifather Harrimom Harridaughter +15215,0,"The wife is waiting for her husband to come when... Their youngest son enters the living room and finds his mom waiting with two glasses of champagne, naked, wearing only a sleeping robe. She sits on the couch and suddently the robe opens up entirely. The son asks her: ""Mom! What is that thing covered in hair?"" Embarrased his mom says: ""It's a sweep, your father will be home soon to attach the stick to it""" +15216,3,"I believe every child should be given a chance... ...and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of, I'll let them go..." +15217,0,"Turns out she has a boyfriend.. I see this hot girl wating for the bus so I got over there and said: ""Hey, you are fucking hot!"" and she is like: ""Have you seen Taken, if not - look at me""." +15218,2,What was wrong with the Chameleon who couldn't change it's colour? It had a reptile dysfunction. +15219,3,"My friend was bummed today because his blind dog has cancer and he is going to have to put her down tomorrow. I wanted to cheer him up, so I said “well, at least she won’t see it coming.”" +15220,5,What do boobs and the sun have in common? You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses +15221,0,"We've had a complaint about you eating out of people's garbage, said the Policemen ""If I had a nickle everyt time I heard that I'd finally be employed,"" replied the homeless man. (I probably subconsciously stole this from somewhere but I came up with it while trying to sleep on the pavement and found it funny.)" +15222,0,Bowling Green Massacre jokes are in bad taste Show some respect for the victims! +15223,2,King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone. King Arthritis on the other hand... +15224,1,"IRS: You say you gave $10K to Charity last year, but you have no receipts. Taxpayer: I have photographs to support my claim. IRS: That's just you throwing money at a stripper. Taxpayer: That's Charity." +15225,0,"Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America. " +15226,3,"So my clock only went ""tick tick tick""... and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said ""Ve have vays of making you tock.""" +15227,1,"Making a sandwich One night, Jack and his girlfriend want to do it. Unfortunetly, he shares a bunk with his little brother steven. That night, when jack and his girlfriend are doing it, steven wakes up to the noise and asks, ""What are you guys doing?"" Thinking fast, Jack says, making a sandwich. So then steven goes back to bed. When jack and his girlfriend wake up in the morning, he says to her, "" Tomato means harder and lettuce means faster."" The girlfriend agrees. The next night when jack and his girlfriend are doing it, he says ""TOMATO TOMATO LETTUCE LETTUCE. Startled steven wakes up and asks, ""are you guys making a sandwich again? Suprised jack says, ""how did you know?"" Steven says, ""because I am licking the mayonaise off of the bed!" +15228,0,"80 Year Old Guy Wants A Newspaper He asks his grandson if he has today's paper. His grandson explains to his pops that this is 2018 and we don't take newspapers anymore, we use technology now, it's much better! He then shows him how to read the news on his shiny 12"" iPad. Pops goes off to get used to the new technology in his life. Pops returns a few minutes later and the grandson asks him how he got on with it, to which pops replies:   *""You were right, it IS much better.... That fucking fly didn't know what hit it!!""*" +15229,1,"Whenever you're serving a dish with a hollandaise sauce, make sure to use a chrome plate. Because there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise. One of my chefs at my culinary school told the class this one and we got out early because we couldn't stand to be in the room with him any more." +15230,0,Hey do y'all know what they call heavy traffic in Vietnam? Stop Ngo traffic +15231,0,Why Does Donald Trump Have Xanax? In case he has a his-panic attack. +15232,0,What's better than Roses on your Piano? Tulips on your Organ. +15233,1,"What did Napoleon say when he arrived at the banquet? Bon, a partay!" +15234,2,A bear walks into a bar Bear: ..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….… Bartender: why the huge pause +15235,1,"The Maytag man... I come home from work and my wife says the dishwasher isn’t working. I’m like honey I am not the Maytag repairman and I work on shit all day can it wait until the weekend? Next day I come home and she says the washing machine doesn’t work. I fix shit all day, can’t it wait until the weekend? Friday rolls around and I come home. And she says I don’t have to worry about fixing the dishwasher or the washing machine. I called a repairman. How much did that cost?? She said nothing the repairman said I could bake him a cake or have sex. I ask what kind of cake she baked him. Her reply was I’m not Betty Crocker." +15236,1,"Did you hear about the 3 new types of Barbie dolls? There's tall, short, and great personality" +15237,0,"What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect? ""Stop. Police.""" +15238,0,What can you find on a dinner table that can get you arrested? A salt shaker +15239,1,"Why did the guy go to the doctor to replace his butt? Because it has a crack in it," +15240,0,"When comparing your position away from one dog from another, Make sure you make your rufference point known." +15241,1,Why do sharks like stoners? Because they're baked snacks. +15242,5,What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter +15243,5,"Literally the guy you asked for A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.” Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.” “That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?” His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?” " +15244,2,"I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals It's only shift work, though." +15245,2,"The lady next door came by and said,""Tom."" So I said,""yes"" She said,""I want you to take off my dress"" I said,""ok"" ""Then I want you to take off my bra,""she continued. ""Yeah!"" ""Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"" ""O.k."" ""AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!""" +15246,1,If I put 10 people and 1 mosquito in a room... ... the fuckin mosquito will still get out of the room to find me instead. +15247,0,have you heard about the novice marching band? I hear they're making great strides +15248,1,What has 7 arms and sucks? Def Leppard +15249,0,"A poem for you all Roses are red, My foreskin is sore, I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door." +15250,7,Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened? He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy +15251,0,What does a pilot do when he wants to be stealthy? He hides in plane sight. +15252,4,"A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”" +15253,1,"What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean " +15254,2,There are 10 types of people ​ 1. Who understand binary. 2. Who don't understand binary. 3. Who couldn't guess that the joke wasn't in base 2. 4. Who now thinks that the joke is in base 3. 5. Who now realized that this joke can go on forever. +15255,1,What do you call a Mexican who lost their car? Carlos +15256,1,What do Michael Jackson and a game console have in common? Both are made of plastic and little boys turn them on +15257,0,What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant. +15258,1,"How do you stop a crowd of black men from rioting, breaking windows and looting? Play the American national anthem." +15259,9,"A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ""Hurry!"" she said, ""stand in the corner."" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ""Don't move until I tell you to,"" she whispered. ""Just pretend you're a statue."" ""What's this, honey?"" the husband inquired as he entered the room. ""Oh, it's just a statue,"" she replied nonchalantly. ""The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."" No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ""Here,"" he said to the 'statue', ""eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."" " +15260,2,"A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother. Girl: ""Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells! Mom:""Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried""." +15261,2,What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard Pillow Fight +15262,0,"A doctor writes a patient a prescription for the best new suppository A couple weeks go by and the patient returns for his follow up appointment. The doctor asks “how’s the new medication working out for you?” The patient replies “Not great, Doc. For all the good it’s doing, I might as well shove em up my ass!”" +15263,0,I'd be a great parent... ...all i do is disappoint people. +15264,2,My family always calls me indecisive And I can’t help wonder if they’re right. +15265,1,Where did the construction birds go after a long day's work the crow-bar +15266,1,What do you call the kids who are invited to Michael Jackson's birthday party? Presents +15267,1,Lifelong Yankees fan fulfills childhood dream... ....being diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs disease +15268,0,"A man orders breakfast The waitress says, ""how would you like your eggs?"" The man says,""over easy."" ""what kind of bread?"" says the waitress ""rye, and cook the shit out of it!"" says the man The waitress nods and walks into the back. A bit later the waitress is walking out, and trips. She spills the mans breakfast all over the floor. The waitress says,""i guess your breakfast is toast.""" +15269,0,"(OC) Hey baby, do you gotta pee? Cuz your an eight" +15270,1,"One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up. He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it. A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach Boys, it is going to cost to much money to play the song. Outraged the DJ started a campaign on the air telling his listeners what was going on. That The Beach Boys wanted to charge the station an outrageous amount of money to play their old music. So until they changed their minds he would keep airing a piece on how greedy the record label was and how they abused their artists and how little the record label pays its artists for plays on the air. This went on for months. It got so repetitive that the Manager asked the DJ to stop because it was never going to work, but the DJ was sure it would. Then after another month the Manager came to the DJ with an update on the situation. Manager, “Good news, The Beach Boys record label is going to let us play the song for free.” DJ, “Of course they are.” Manager, “How did you know this was going to work?” DJ, “ Because, rebroadcasting is always the best way to get Good Vibrations.”" +15271,6,Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless +15272,0,"An elephant meets a naked men at the lake ""what? This is what you drink with???""" +15273,1,What do sound engineers say when they leave? Audios +15274,2,How does Princess Leia like her showers? Lukewarm. +15275,3,"The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar." +15276,1,Looks like Mexico will be building a wall... They're going to want to keep all the illegal American Immigrants out. +15277,1,China has one of the largest manufacturing and exporting economies in the world. What product of theirs is most commonly exported? Newborn girls. +15278,3,Where do lizards get their new tails? At the re-tail store +15279,5,"A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon. Redhead - ""So how was your weekend?"" Blond - ""Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."" Redhead - ""That's terrible! What did you do about it?"" Blond - ""Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."" Redhead - ""Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"" Blond - ""Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."" Credit goes to my mother for this one." +15280,0,While the worker was talking about computer parts he made my motherboard +15281,7,"The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies. He soon writes home to his father. ""Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"" ​ ​ ​ ​ Promptly, his father writes back. ""My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad""" +15282,0,My phone number looks exactly like my bank account balance 000-000-0001 +15283,0,People often ask me how dark my humor is Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back +15284,1,Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? a joke by Steven Wright +15285,0,"And the bartender says, ""we don't serve time travelers here"" A time traveler walks into a bar. Edit: swipe fail" +15286,0,"Interesting fact of the day, did you know 9/10 men enjoy sticking a finger up there bum in the shower? Do you know what the other 1/10 do? You dirty bastard!" +15287,1,"Donald Trump’s last words in office: « I’m not Orange, Impeached. »" +15288,0,I thought I would tell you an anal sex joke Butt fuck it. +15289,2,My ex told me I should see a therapist. So I started dating one. It definitely works. I feel better already. +15290,1,"Hallway Sex When a husband and wife get married, they have house sex, where they fuck all over the house. Couple years go by, they have a kid, and stick mainly to bedroom sex. Fifteen years go by, and they got two teenage kids. They resort to hallway sex. They pass each other in the hallway and tell each other: “Fuck you.” “No, fuck you.” My wife and I have great hallway sex." +15291,2,"I saw an infant in the intensive care unit at the hospital... ... quietly playing with a toy donkey. I couldn't help but think: ""ICU baby, shakin' that ass""" +15292,1,What do you call a rat who tips his waiter? Gratatouille +15293,1,"Never bring a knife to a gun fight... Unless you're John Wick, in that case bring a pencil." +15294,3,A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. He startled me so badly I nearly fell in. +15295,2,[NSFW] What do you call a guy who just went down on a girl for the first time? A Clitourist. +15296,0,"A man says, “ I am not bald, it’s my solar sex panel”. His wife replied, “it’s been dark and cloudy for a few months, I guess.”" +15297,2,What is postman's favourite organ? The liver. +15298,3,Jared Fogle began and ended his career the same way... Trying to get into smaller pants +15299,0,Some quick lines of humor. When you get angry count to 3. When you get to 2 throw the punch. They won't be expecting that. You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes. Making little things count. Teaches math to midgets. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. +15300,1,Study shows that kindergarten children are getting fatter and fatter. The pupils are dilating! +15301,2,I don't like German cuisine. It's just the Wurst. +15302,1,What do you call an Asian boy with downs? Lo Mein. See you all in hell. +15303,2,What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot +15304,0,Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents! +15305,3,"I love vegans The meat is better because its grass fed, locally sourced and free of harmful chemicals " +15306,2,"What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches." +15307,0,"A man goes to a casino He bets $2 and gets $8 of winnings He bets $8 and gets $32 of winnings The man once again bets 32 dollars of winnings and wins $365 of winnings He keeps betting until he gets $14,536,258 of winnings He bets all the money, and he lost it all He goes back to his apartment His friend ask ""How did you do? "" The guy answers I lost $2" +15308,1,"A longhaul trucker with a trailer full of chickens is driving to Chicago... A long haul trucker with a trailer full chickens is driving to Chicago with a parrot on the dashboard. As he's driving, he sees a woman at the side of the road with her thumb out. He pulls over to the side, and the woman gets in. Trucker: Do you have money? Woman: No. Truck: Suck my dick then. Woman: No. Trucker: Then get the fuck out. The woman gets out and the trucker resumes driving. A few miles down the road, he sees another woman with her thumb out. He pulls over to the side, and the woman gets in. Trucker: Do you have any money? Woman: No. Trucker: Then suck my dick. Woman: No. Trucker: Then get the fuck out. She gets out and the trucker goes on. A few miles down the road, he sees yet another woman with her thumb out and pulls over to the side of the road. Trucker: Do you have any money? Woman: No. Trucker: Suck my dick then. Woman: OK, but move the parrot to the back. So the trucker grabs the parrot and chucks it over his shoulder. After he does that, he receives the most satisfying blowjob of his life. As they drive to the hitchhiker's destination, all of a sudden they hear a police siren. They pull over to the side of the road. Cop: Sir, are you aware that you've got chickens flying out of your trailer? Trucker: You're kidding me. Cop: I'm afraid not, sir. You've got to go down there and see for yourself. As the trucker and the cop arrive at the trailer, they see a horrifying sight. The truck driver's parrot grabs one of the chickens by the scruff of its neck and screams in its ear. Parrot: Suck my dick! Chicken: Bawk bawk! Parrot: Bawk bawk what! Get the fuck out!" +15309,2,I used to be a necrophiliac once.. ..til that rotten cunt split on me. +15310,0,I tried suicide once I almost died :O +15311,0,"The other day I was eating out my grandma, and I tasted horse cum. That's when I realized... That's how she died" +15312,6,How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the soldier pushing it. +15313,0,I told a necrophilic to go fuck himself He committed suicide +15314,2,What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue? Sherlock Ohms +15315,0,"She: ""Darling, I sold our Bitcoin wallet for $5 on eBay."" He: ""Stupid bitch, it contained all our savings!"" She: ""Calm down, the buyer only wanted an old backup of the wallet when it was still empty."" " +15316,0,what do you say about a high mountain? its pretty stoned +15317,1,Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes? He lost his sense of humerus. +15318,2,What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them into a tire and call it a goodyear +15319,0,What happened when 3 French cats got into a boat only meant for 2? Une Deux Trois Quatre Cinq! +15320,0,What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when discussing attending a baroque costume party with his friends? “I’ll be Bach.” +15321,1,What do you call an Arab man with Parkinsons? Sheik. +15322,1,"What is black, heavy, and can't swim? A grand piano." +15323,2,Being an ugly woman is like being a man... You're going to have to work. -Daniel Tosh +15324,0,My Siamese pooped out a fully intact mouse onto my front porch this morning. It was a cat ass trophy! +15325,0,If I had a dime for every nickel I had I would have three cents +15326,1,I'm thinking of doing my part and getting into taxidermy... It really is a dying art. +15327,6,What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name. +15328,2,"Trump hosts Putin for a state dinner at The White House When a guest asks ""Mr. President, what have the two of you been discussing all day?"", to which Trump responds ""Planning World War 3."" The guest asks ""What will that be like?"" Trump: ""We're going to kill 4 million muslims and one dentists."" The guest appears confued and asks ""But why one dentist?"", when Putin leans over, slaps Trump on the shoulder and says: ""See Donald, what did I tell you - no one will ask about the Muslims.""" +15329,3,"Three guys boasts about themself and their dicks in a bar The first guy whips out his dick and proudly says ""This is why the women call me Big Bill"" The second guy whips his dick out and says ""This is why the women call me Bigger Bill!"" The third guy sits in silence for a moment, before he with a smug grin opens his pants, whips out TWO cocks and says ""Ha! This is why the women call me Chernobyl!""" +15330,0,Some people say they don’t believe in successful marriages. I don’t think they’re right. I’ve had four successful marriages myself. +15331,2,"If the male genitalia is called a cock, why isn't female genitalia called a hen? ""Angela, next time you're in a job interview, try to ask questions that are related to the position you're interviewing for.""" +15332,0,Have you heard that Gordon Ramsay's new book about and herbs and spices finally came out? All I can say is that it's about thyme +15333,0,Some say doctors can't be patriotic if they treat illegal immigrants... I disagree because I knew an optometrist once who would treat illegal immigrants and he was very patriotic. He was so patriotic that he would sometimes randomly start singing the national anthem while giving illegal immigrants eye exams. +15334,1,"How do you feel about polygons? Many sides, many sides." +15335,0,My friend just died while masturbating He was a real deadbeat +15336,3,I'm reading a book about metal fasteners. Riveting stuff. +15337,2,Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop? Bad casting. +15338,1,"A Black Hole Conundrum I understand that people are attracted to black holes, but I don't know how they see anything in them." +15339,1,What did the mathematician do when he had constipation? He worked it out with a pencil. +15340,0,"I ran over my friends cat in my car... "" I'm so sorry, can I replace it"" I said ""It depends! How good are you at catching mice?"" He responded." +15341,0,Why did the wizard's incantation fail? He forgot to use spell check +15342,5,"I called an old University classmate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on ""Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."" I was impressed.. However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision." +15343,0,"Have all puns been done? How do you start a Bee race? One, Two, Bee, Go! How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, Teddy, Go! How do you start a samurai race? Ich, Ni, San, Go! ​ I like a pun. The first two are ones I learned. The last I think I came up with. I am not a Dad but am trying, hopefully I it is not actually an original dad joke - that would be too weird..." +15344,4,If you slap Dwayne Johnsons ass you’re hitting rock bottom +15345,0,[First day as a waiter] man: bring me some grapefruit me: *returns with some red grapes* here you are sir man: that is not what i want me: *returns with some green grapes* these? man: yes perfect thank you +15346,0,Fox News? More like Faux News. +15347,3,What does the F in Ethiopia stand for? Food +15348,4,I'd tell you a good time travel joke But you didn't get it +15349,3,"Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks..... The first one said, ""Look, it's deer tracks."" The second one said, ""No, it's wolf tracks"" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train" +15350,1,Why must aspiring ninjas study the periodic table? To master the element of surprise! - haha happy Saturday 🙂 +15351,1,"longest word What is the longest word in the English language? . SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"" " +15352,5,I keep hearing music coming from the printer. I think the paper is jamming. +15353,1,"Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century. Fox News: Hold my beer. United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke? Pepsi: For reals? Sean Spicer: Make it a double." +15354,0,What do you call a Planeswalker that is a creative gamer that sees Magic the Gathering as a form of self expression? Ajani (a - johnny) +15355,2,"I asked a red headed friend of mine what I could do to be just like him. His response was ""You have to go through the long and tough process of becoming a redhead."" So, as of today, I have started the process of being trans-gingered." +15356,0,People who live in glass houses Probably get dressed in the basement +15357,2,"Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift. Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light. After a while the man asked. Man: ""So what's your name?"" Vin: ""Cin Diesel"" Man: ""Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"" Vin: ""No it's Cin Diesel"" Man: ""But why?"" Vin: ""Because at the speed of light c=v""" +15358,9,"I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there" +15359,1,"The Princess and the Frog [long] A beautiful princess had a shiny gold ball that was her prize possession. She would take it with her wherever she would go, gently throwing it in the air while she sang. One day she dropped the ball and it rolled down a hill and into a large pond. The princess ran to the pond and started to cry when she saw that her ball was lost. ""Don't cry"" said a frog sitting on a lily pad. ""I can get your ball for you but you must do me a favor in return. I am actually a bewitched prince and only the kiss of a princess at the stroke of midnight can remove the curse. If I retrieve your gold ball, will you kiss me tonight?"" ""Yes!"" The princess exclaimed and the frog dove down and recovered the ball. Handing it to the princess, he said ""I'll come to your room tonight at midnight."" True to his word, at just before midnight the frog knocked on her window and she let him in. As the clock in the tower started to strike midnight, the princess bent down and kissed the frog. Suddenly the frog turned into a gorgeous prince. And do you know that to this day... her parents don't believe that story." +15360,0,"How do you knock a one-armed blonde out of a tree? With a rock, just like anyone else, you prejudiced prick. Y-you you probably even assumed it was a woman? Didn't you? Like a man wouldn't fall or something. Just because they have one arm? Get help man. " +15361,1,Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard +15362,2,Do you want to hear a joke about cats? Just kitten. +15363,0,How do you feel when your phone suddenly starts blaring your least favorite tune? Alarmed. +15364,0,"A slightly drunk woman is watching tv and yells--""don't go there, don't go to the church you dumb bitch!"" Her husband asks, ""what are you watching?"" ""Our wedding video""" +15365,2,I wanted to be an engineer for Canadian pacific railways... But they said they couldn't train me. +15366,1,Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War. Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Soldier 2: Yes I am. Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you. +15367,2,"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a sedan." +15368,2,What’s the difference between Batman and a Black man? Batman can go into a shop without Robin. +15369,2,What do you call a dinner with someone you met in tumblr? FedEx +15370,0,"I'm going to be a dad Yeah, I wish this is a joke too." +15371,2,Did you hear about the terrorist attack on the dairy / cow farm? It was an udder disaster. +15372,1,"Paddy walks into a bar. ""How much is lager?"" Barman: ""£3 a pint and £10 a pitcher"" Paddy: ""I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo""" +15373,3,Are you tired? There is a nap for that. +15374,3,What do you call a gay midget with great timing? A Metro-Gnome +15375,0,What do you call a carabao who can climb a tree? Awesome!!! +15376,2,"A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis. I chuckled and said ""Don't be silly! How old are you?"" She said ""6"" I laughed and said, ""Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"" She said ""Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."" ""Don't be ridiculous!"" I said. ""A midlife crisis means you're in the middle of your lifespan right now, while right now you'll probably be dead in a week.""" +15377,2,"Europe is in turmoil, but at least I've got some steady income despite the migrant crisis I own a florist around the corner from the French embassy" +15378,1,What does a condom and a coffin have in common? They both hold stiffs. ​ +15379,1,What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'elephino. +15380,8,Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection... Except Up. He’s never gonna give you Up. +15381,0,"One day, a father and two sons went fishing A woman came up and asked, ""What are your names?"" The dad replies, ""My name's Dean, this is my son Bean."" The woman gestured to the other son questioningly and the dad got the most upset, disappointed look in his face and went, ""That's my other son, *Sean*""" +15382,3,"Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke? There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here? You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someone to say something like, *“My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.”* ...And when they read that, they exhale through their nose and close their eyes... but they never actually laugh. But they do upvote, even without the laugh. ...And as always. Thanks for watching. " +15383,6,"A priest told me this joke as a kid. There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl. They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age. ​ One day the 3 of them were given great news. Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: ""Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!"". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: ""Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!"". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: ""Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!"". ​ They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them. ​ The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks ""Where are we?"". The angels says: ""Congratulations, you made it to heaven"". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. ""Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it"". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, ""What's wrong?"". Chester finally speaks up, ""Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day"". The angle replies to them, ""No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it"". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place. ​ Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, ""This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends"". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, ""What's wrong?"". Chester responds with, ""My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area"". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, ""Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here"". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live. ​ The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, ""This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone"". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, ""So, uh... What's the rent here?"". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies ""Nothing? It's free"". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, ""Wow! That's so kind of you guys!"". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, ""What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?"". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, ""If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!"". ​" +15384,0,"Got fired today Wife: honey why are you home so early? Husband: got fired from work today because I stopped to pet a dog on the side of the road while driving back to work. Wife: huh? Honey you're an ambulance driver Husband: well the dog was really cute, and I was pretty sure that guy we had wasn't going to make it." +15385,3,"Running with scissors is a bad idea. Then again, so is scissoring with the runs." +15386,1,"A married woman has been in a coma for one month The doctor at the hospital explains to her husband, ""We've tried everything we can think of. Her brain is still functioning, but she just won't wake up. The only thing left to try is..."" he trails off. ""What is it, doc? I'll try anything!"" the husband says. ""Ok. Well, I've never seen this work myself, but there are some who think sexual stimulation may cause her to regain consciousness. Perhaps if we give you some privacy, would you be willing to try oral sex?"" The husband thinks it over for a second, before blurting out ""Of course, doc! If you think it'll help, I'll try it!"" The doc and the nurses exit the woman's room and close the doors, watching the patient's monitors outside her room. After about one minute, the woman's heart stops and the monitors begin sounding alarm. The nurses and doctor rush into the room and immediately begin administering CPR. The husband is standing next to his wife, dumbfounded. ""What happened?!"" asks the doctor. ""It was going great!"" the man replies. ""But then she started choking on it!""" +15387,0,"An organ trafficker has a date ""What do you do for a living?"", asks the date. ""I trade illegal organs."", the trafficker says. ""Jesus! Don't you have a heart?"" ""Was that a critic or an order?""" +15388,0,How to lose 20 pounds instantly! Recalibrate the scale 20 pounds lighter +15389,4,Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meet boy in park and lucky boy is boy who park meat in girl +15390,3,"Isn't it weird that KFC is one letter away from fuck? New slogan: KFC, all that's missing is U" +15391,4,"A lizard is walking through the jungle ... and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, ""Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."" ""Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me."" replied the monkey. ""Well, O.K. I'll be right up."" So the monkey and the lizard are smoking up the weed, getting pretty fucked up and philosophizing about how harsh the jungle can be. After awhile, the lizard starts to get thirsty. ""Ill be right back. Gonna get a drink from the river."" The lizard heads to the river for a drink, but is so high that he falls in the river, and starts to drown. An alligator sees him drowning and feels bad for him. If the alligator had a son, he would look a lot like that lizard; he'd be damned if he let that little lizard drown. Carrying the lizard safely to the shore, the alligator asks, ""What happened lizard? How could you be so careless man? ""I'm fucked up. Gator, I'm really fucking high. This monkey in a tree has got sack of budah he needs to- ""A monkey- ""Yeah, in a tree- ""A monkey in a tree got you so high you nearly drown? I gotta meet this monkey."" So the alligator heads into the woods in search of the monkey. There, plain as day, is the monkey with huge blunt smoking away. ""Hey monkey!"" shouted the alligator. The monkey took a long confused look at the alligator and said, ""Holy shit man, how much water did you drink?""" +15392,1,Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow? You would be to if you gave birth to a nation +15393,0,What's a transgender's fabourite pokemon? Unknown +15394,0,Why do Welshmen like to fuck sheep at the edge of a cliff? Because they push back nicely +15395,0,"When the Hulk gets angry and smashes things, he's incredible. When I do it, ""I'm an alcoholic!""" +15396,2,Why did Obama take all the pencils and pens when he left? Cuz he knew Trump would bring his own Pence +15397,5,"Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice... Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder " +15398,1,People with ADD are always being discriminated against asdf +15399,4,Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in the state of West Virginia? Yeah if it were invented anywhere else it would be called a ‘teethbrush’. +15400,2,"When I learned about imaginary numbers in college, I was really excited. Finally I could plot my sex life." +15401,0,Jesus take the wheel! I think my Mexican driver is tired of my jokes. +15402,1,Why did the chicken go around the world? Because his name was Marco Pollo.. +15403,0,"Jackie chan, Tom Cruise, and Matthew McConaughey were making a movie. Jackie chan, Tom Cruise, and Matthew McConaughey were making a movie. Jackie Chan said, ""I'll direct"". Tom Cruise said, ""I'll produce"". Matthew McConaughey said, ""Alright, alright, alright""." +15404,0,There's a new restaurant on Mars The food is really good but the atmosphere is awful. +15405,1,"A man bought a new lamp on Amazon. When it arrived, he noticed a dirty spot and tried to rub it off with a damp paper towel. Suddenly, a scruffy glowing teenager appeared and said ""Hey man, thanks for freeing me from this lamp. In return, I will grant you three wishes!"" The man was stunned. ""You're a genie?"" ""Yeah dude"", replied the genie. ""I just completed genie school, and you're my first customer, like, ever!"" The man couldn't believe his luck. ""OK"", he said, ""I wish for a billion dollars!"" ""Done!"", the genie said. He waved his hands, and POOF! Former president Bill Clinton appeared in front of them, and said: ""It's Bill Clinton!"" The man was confused. ""Why did you bring me Bill Clinton?"" ""Sorry bro"", the genie replied. ""I'm still new at this and I kinda screwed up your wish."" ""You'll give me a do-over, right?"", asked the man. ""Sorry bro, rules are rules. I can only grant you two more wishes"". ""Genie"", the man retorted, ""I need you to get this right. Please, I wish for a billion dollars!"" ""Done!"", the genie said. He waved his hands, and POOF! Former president George W. Bush appeared in front of them and shouted: ""It's George Dubya!"" ""Genie!"", snapped the man. ""You're wasting my wishes!"" ""Ah, sorry dude! It's hard!"" ""Genie! Please, I'm begging you. There's only one more wish and it's my last chance to get rich, and I really, really don't want to see Obama! I can't stand the guy."" ""That's high pressure"", the genie replied. ""OK, let me see if I can get this right"". The genie then shut his eyes and focused. He hummed and waved his hands back and forth very slowly, for what seemed like an eternity. Everybody watched him intently, while beads of sweat formed on the man's brow. Suddenly, the genie threw up his arms and POOF! Donald Trump appeared, looked directly at the man, and said ""Orange ya glad I didn't say Obama?""" +15406,1,What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? EA’s legal department! +15407,3,"If girls with big tits work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work? IHOP" +15408,1,Who the hell is this Rorschach guy? And why does he have so many paintings of me dying alone? +15409,4,XY XY XY XY XY XX +15410,1,"Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping. As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, ""A cold beer would go down great tonight!"" ""Indeed,"" the other nun replies, ""but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?"" ""Don't worry, I have a plan,"" the other nun answers. ""Grab a six-pack."" The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. ""We use the beer to wash our hair"" she says. ""At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'"" The cashier, knowing this was a lie, bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, and says with a smirk ""The curlers are on the house.""" +15411,0,[NSFW} I won the lottery ....... and went home and told my wife to pack. She wanted to know if she should pack for somewhere warm or cold and I said it didn't matter she just needed to pack and fuck off! +15412,4,"I have just started to read a horror novel in braille Something bad is going to happen, i can feel it." +15413,3,"Is this winter to be cold? The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, ""Is this winter to be cold?"" The man on the phone responded, ""This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."" So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, ""Is it going to be a very cold winter?"" ""Yes"", the man replied, ""it's going to be a very cold Winter."" So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: ""Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"" ""Absolutely,"" the man replies, ""the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"" " +15414,0,"My wife recently did the dishes after dinner. I asked her, ""How long she would need?"" She answered, ""Half an hour. But if i'd help her, it will be done much more faster."" I was like, ""No no honey, half an hour is fine!""" +15415,2,My boss: “You’re fired.” Me: *turns in gun and badge* My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those” +15416,0,"Hi my name is, Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop." +15417,0,Breaking (fake) news. Starbucks abducts Bronies? Starbucks is dismissing a rumored connection between the disappearance of Brony cosplay convention and their announcement of the unicorn frappe. +15418,1,What do you call it when pigs fly? Schizophrenia +15419,2,What do narcos use for dry lips? El chapostick +15420,0,Do you know what is the name of devonnes dad? Degone +15421,0,It's not true that all black people are mistreated in America Some black people are mistreated in other countries. +15422,0,You look cute without glasses. my glasses. +15423,3,Ever forgotten a password? Just call your local NSA agent and ask! +15424,1,What does the Hongkong police do at night? They go clubbing. +15425,1,There are two types of people in the world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data +15426,0,"Rubbish Day Every Wednesday was rubbish day. Every Wednesday, John would take his bin out and have a chat to his neighbour Dave, who lived across the street, who was taking his bin out as well. Wednesday comes around, and John takes his bin out, but Dave and his bin are no where to be seen. The following Wednesday, John takes his bin out, and yet again Dave and his bin are no where to be seen. the following Wednesday, John is taking his bin out, and he sees Dave coming out to check his mail. He calls out to him, ""Hey Dave, where's ya bin?"" Dave replies with, ""I've bin away."" John replies with, ""No Dave, where's ya wheely bin..."" Dave replies, ""Ive wheely bin in jail, but dont tell anyone!""" +15427,2,Why doesn't Donald Trump drink beer? Because he's a draught dodger. +15428,1,"Question: How do you know when you're poor? Answer: If You walk in on two roaches fucking on your kitchen counter, you unzip your pants and enjoy the free show. (The great thing about these is, you can all add your own)" +15429,3,"So, these 3 brothers buy a donkey for their farm... After just 3 days of working, the donkey dies. The youngest brother decides to bury the donkey in the nearby forest. He brings his shovel, grabs the donkey and goes out. On his way to the forest he remembers that there is a very deep lake somewhere around. After a few hours of searching he finds the lake and dumps the donkey. Out comes a fairy. The fairy tells the brother that she'll return his donkey alive , but on one condition. Being in the woods, she hardly got any sex for the last hundred years and he has to fuck her a total of 10 times. Now the brother gets really excited. He unzips his pants and starts fucking her. But being young and inexperienced he quickly gets tired, and by the time he starts to fuck her for the 9th time, he dies of a heart stroke. The fairy pulls him back into the lake. It's been quite some time since the youngest brother went out. And the middle brother decides to go out and look for him. After a lot of searching he finally reaches the lake and decides to drink some water. Out comes the fairy. She requests him the same thing but only this time he has to fuck her 20 times as she will return both the donkey and his brother alive. The middle brother happily agrees. But even he could not keep up. By the time he starts to fuck her for the 16th time, he is dead. The two brothers were missing for quite a while now. The elder brother decides to go out and look for them. Find out what's taking so long. After a few hours of wandering he also stumbles upon the lake. Out comes the fairy, but this time he has to fuck her 50 times. The eldest brother fucks her a 100 times. The fairy dies. He returns happily with his alive brothers and the donkey. The villagers on hearing the story are amazed. They keep on asking. ""You killed the fairy just by fucking her? How did you do that?"" ""Well I fucked the donkey to death, didn't I?""" +15430,0,An italian man jerked off into a toilet He committed ginocide. +15431,2,Muslim book store So there I was walking through a mall and I saw a Muslim book store. I was interested what was in a muslim book store so I went in. The clerk approached me asking if I need help knowing I probably don't look like his normal customer so I asked if he had a copy of Donald Trumps book on his U.S. Immigration policy on Muslims and illegal Mexicans. The clerk replied get the F*ck out and stay out! I replied YES that's the one! Do you have it in paper back? +15432,2,"Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, ""How do you drive this thing?""" +15433,1,Ever wonder why North Korea doesn't have any Walmarts? They only have Targets there. +15434,0,"I'm torn between dating a soccer player or a zoo employee. They're both keepers, but the soccer player is number one." +15435,1,My girlfriend is (-144)^(1/2) She imaginary but if she was real she would be 12 +15436,4,"Doctor can you cure my insomnia? “Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!” “Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that fucking baby” " +15437,3,"I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B " +15438,4,What is an Irish 7-course meal? A 6-pack and a potato. +15439,7,A plateau Is the highest form of flattery. +15440,0,Why is it so hard to find Thor's brother? Because he stays low key +15441,1,A girl talking about sex is great A girl talking about enviroment is Greta +15442,1,What does Moby Dick like to eat? Fish and ships. +15443,3,I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear. I guess that’s why they call them panties. +15444,1,"A teacher ask his students, what would you pick between a bag of money or knowledge? Student: The bag of money! Teacher: No you dumbass! Don't you know that knowledge is worth more than money? Student: Alright, so what would you pick then Sir? Teacher: Knowledge of course! Student: Well I guess we always want what we can't have." +15445,0,I'm tired of people hating on integral calculus for being so shallow! Integrals are more than just the sum of its parts! +15446,2,"A Jewish kid asks his dad for 40 bucks His dad says, ""30 bucks??! What the hell do you want with 20 bucks??!!""" +15447,0,"Lil Johnny needs to take a piss in class... He tells ""teacher! i need to take a piss!"" Teacher: ""Johnny thats not appropriate, if you cant use the proper word ""urinate"" then you'll have to wait after class"" Johnny: ""Ok well teacher, urinate but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10!""" +15448,1,The time traveler orders a drink A time traveler walks into a bar +15449,0,What do you call a drunk elf? Legless Legolas +15450,0,"For those of you in the U.S. who bought those special polarized glasses to view the upcoming solar eclipse don't be too quick to throw them away, they can also be used to view nuclear blasts..." +15451,0,What does a silly person wear to breath while under water? A dorkle. +15452,1,"You can never lose a homing pigeon... If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon." +15453,0,What's the deal with these Tamagotchis? I can't even keep my own pets alive and I have to feed these things ever hour? +15454,3,"A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife. ""For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."" ""I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.,"" the doc replies. ""Twin Syndrome?"" ""You only come in pears.""" +15455,3,"An airline pilot was talking to his copilot... ... and he did not realize his arm was pressing the intercom button. ""God am I hungover, you know what I could use right now? A coffee and a blowjob."" A flight attendant in the midsection started running to the cockpit to make the pilot aware of his error. A passenger yells after her, ""Hey! Don't forget the coffee!""" +15456,1,What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger? A thimble +15457,1,I got an F in Biology Class Next time I see my teacher I’m gonna punch her in the balls! +15458,0,What's the diff between a wife and a sugar baby? The amount of money agreed upon. +15459,2,If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it Does it still let everyone know it updated its privacy policy? +15460,0,"The doctors order My doctor told me that I needed to braid my poop. But I realized that I can't do it by myself so anytime I need to go I have to find someone to help me, I shit you knot" +15461,1,My wife says I'm obessed with methods of regulation To prove her wrong I went on a yoga holiday in Prague. It was a series of checks and balances. +15462,1,What do you call somebody who takes things too literally? A thief. +15463,3,And best picture goes to... La La Land - Steve Harvey +15464,0,"When I die, I'd like to go in my sleep like my grandfather. Sleep walkng into a Police Station with a loaded AK47 dreaming about shooting wabbits.." +15465,0,What do you call a fork made from the bone of a killer whale? Forca +15466,0,What do you call an astronaut that doesn't like being touched? A personal space man +15467,4,How does Harry potter prefer to get down a hill? walking ​ ​ ​ jk rolling +15468,0,"what did William Kennedy Smith say to that woman before he raped her? look, it's either this, or my uncle drives you home. EDITed it" +15469,1,"What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade? The letter ""m" +15470,0,"A smart blonde is like Bigfoot. They might be out there, but I haven't seen any proof " +15471,5,Capitalization... Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. +15472,1,Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word? +15473,0,I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel. +15474,1,"My friend and I were walking through a farm I ask him, ""How many legs does that rooster have?"" ""It has 2 legs"" ""How many hairs does that cat have?"" ""I don't know"" ""Why do you know so much about cock and so little about pussy?""" +15475,0,Why is F-time so much fun? Because F-time is Part-E time. +15476,1,What did the sailor yell to the woman standing on shore? Land ho! +15477,0,"When a neo-nazi plays jazz, what time signature do they use? 14/88." +15478,5,"Nude Beach A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: ""Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.""" +15479,2,What do unicorns call horses? Acorns. +15480,0,What do you call an English rapper with premature ejaculation? 50 pants. +15481,5,Why doesn't the Sun need to go to college? Because it already has like a billion degrees. +15482,2,I've come into a lot of money lately... It's a fetish I never knew I had until now. +15483,0,"Little Johnnie made up hand wash for the class to pour. But then the professor told him,""You're a chem lab tech no more."" What Little Johnnie thought was H2O was H2SO4." +15484,2,There are only three kinds of people... Those who can do math and those who can't. +15485,0,"Yo mamma smells so bad... Yo mamma smells so bad, she has to hang flypaper from her armpit hair" +15486,1,"My wife kept using the word ""hafta"" She would keep telling me, ""I hafta watch my weight! Otherwise I might get fat."" After the 10th time I said, "" Honey, you keep saying it wrong. It's, I hafta watch my weight otherwise I might get fatter.""" +15487,5,"Two bananas are relaxing on a river bank... When a turd floats by. The turd shouts over. ""Come on in the waters great."" One banana turns to the other and says. ""Do you believe this shit.""" +15488,2,"I was with my friend on a new bicycle Bob: Nice bicycle man. Is it new? Where'd you get it? Me: Dude, the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street and this very attractive woman on a bike stopped in front of me, dropped the bike, stripped naked and said: ""Take whatever you want big boy"" Bob: Good call. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway. " +15489,0,My buddy died of OD He died doing what he loved +15490,0,I'm a serial monogamist I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now. +15491,3,"IBM succumbs to feminist pressure Booleans can now contain the value ""maybe""." +15492,0,"What's brown, sometimes wet, and usually sticky? A stick" +15493,2,Whats the difference between an american and a computer? an american doesn't have troubleshooting +15494,2,A carpenter goes to a brothel. Had a threesome with two bi whores. +15495,2,I nearly ran over a couple of crows with my car today. It was almost a murder. +15496,0,Did you know they're changing the name of sting rays? Theyre now going to be called Crocodile-hunter hunters. +15497,5,"ABCDEFGHIJK! Wife: ""How would you describe me?"" Husband: ""ABCDEFGHIJK."" Wife: ""What does that mean?"" Husband: ""Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."" Wife: ""Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"" Husband: ""I'm just kidding!""" +15498,0,Life Before the Computer An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! +15499,2,Between biological males and biological females... ...there's quite a vas deferens. +15500,4,There’s no pleasing my wife sometimes. She wanted help with the housework so I got my girlfriend to come round and she went mental. +15501,1,What does a donkey do when you tell him a joke? He 'ha's. +15502,1,Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny +15503,0,"The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward. She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities. On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room. She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed. She asks the nurse ""Why is that man doing that?"" The nurse replies ""Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."" ""Oh, OK then,"" the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans. She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob. The queen asks her escort ""Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"" Her nurse escort says ""Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!""" +15504,3,"What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored? I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either." +15505,0,"Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein? A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up! " +15506,2,Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because the P is silent. +15507,1,"My girlfriend asked what I truly wanted for Christmas I replied ""A blowjob"" She says ""No stupid, from my parents."" I said ""Oh God nevermind then, you're dad's beard would tickle.""" +15508,0,Benjamin Franklin Benjamin Franklin the man who invented daylight savings was truly ahead of his time +15509,0,I took my sick dog to see an ex-nazi He killed my dog even though he was a veteran Aryan. +15510,0,Why did 6 invite 7 to the circular foods convention? Because 7 8 pi +15511,1,What do all the great composers in the world do after they die? They De-Compose! +15512,1,If a Cat Owned a Home they would be a homeowner. +15513,0,I hate when women try to talk about sports... You don't see me in the kitchen telling them how to make a sandwich. +15514,2,Give a teen a basketball and he would have fun for a day Give a blind man a basketball and he would read it like a book +15515,1,Here's my opinion on Trump's Wall I'm on the fence. +15516,0,"The American Billionaire and his cars In the 1960s an American Billionaire said to his secretary: I have waited 6 months for my exclusive Bugatti, and it cost so much. But i heard that in the GDR there is a car where you have to wait 15 years to get it. Think of the exclusivity. I want you to go there and buy me one. So his secretary takes a plane and flies to east Germany and goes into a Car Dealership. He goes to the sales desk and says: I would like to buy a car for my boss. The Car Dealer replies: Who is your boss? The famous American Billionaire answers the secretary. The Dealer seems confused and picks up the phone to call his supervisor. The supervisor also doesn’t know what to do so he redirects the secretary to the towns magistrate, who in turn redirects him to Erich Honecker, General Secretary of the GDR. Even he seems confused but then says to the secretary: Our socialist friends in the imperial west shall get a car. So the secretary fills out the paperwork, pays the money and handles the shipping of it. Eventually he returns to his Boss, and says: Everything is done Boss, they were even so nice to include a motorised cardboard model in the order to look at while you wait on the car. (Explanation in comments) " +15517,3,"A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist ""Give me all your money or you're Geography!"" 'Don't you mean ""or you're History""?' ""*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!""*" +15518,0,What did the cow say after it died? Boo. +15519,0,"Why does Chris O'Donnell not wear shoes? Because it reminds him of Joel Schumacher, the man responsible for raping his career. " +15520,0,What's that difference between a pun and a dad joke? Dad jokes are punnier. +15521,4,"Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 'Windows frozen; won't open' Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and *gently* tap edges with hammer' 5 minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'" +15522,1,"A Priest, a Rabbi and an Atheist walk into a bar... They guy behind them says ""You guys probably should have ducked""" +15523,3,"The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications... As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, ""s"" will be used instead of the soft ""c."" Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ""c"" will be replased with ""k"". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ""ph"" will be replased by ""f"". This will make words like fotograf"" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ""e""s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ""th"" by ""z"" and ""w"" by "" v"". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ""o"" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ""ou"", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. " +15524,3,What Gun Company Was Created By Cats Mauser. I'm sorry +15525,2,I'm a foot fetishist and I cheated on my wife while she was introducing me to her friends. I must've got off on the wrong foot... +15526,0,What do Budweiser and having sex in the bottom of a boat have in common They are both fucking close to water +15527,1,What do you call an insect that brings goods into the country? An important! +15528,0,Mindfulness is very important to me. That's why I make sure to meditate every single day. Right before I fall asleep. +15529,2,My daughter's got an interview for a job working in the adult entertainment industry today… I hope she blows it… +15530,0,"How much money do you get, if you win the lottery in Brazil? A brazillian dollars. " +15531,0,Your mom is so fat... she sat on a quarter and a booger came out of Washington's nose. +15532,5,I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet this morning. We have 368 tiles. +15533,2,Why is r/Jokes like a religion? ‘Cause you end up reading the same text over and over again! +15534,3,"An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river... One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race. It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq." +15535,2,"One day a mechanic was working under a car And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. ""Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting,"" he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. ""It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."" His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anything. The next day, ""Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more."" A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day. ""You know,"" said his buddy, ""that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better cut out drinking that stuff."" ""Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!""" +15536,2,Where does Thanos like to swim? In the Infinity Pool. +15537,1,Everyone is talking about how the blackhole is the biggest thing to have happened this century. Just like yo mama........ +15538,2,I tried to catch a fog. I mist. +15539,2,Women are like buses... very few will let you come in through the back door. +15540,0,Trump's first wife Ivana recently admitted her tits are fake Especially Eric. +15541,5,Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit +15542,2,How do you piss off 100s of millions of people at the same time? Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were both upstanding candidates fully deserving of the US presidency. +15543,0,Why is Kylo Ren sexually frustrated? Because he's Ben Solo all his life. +15544,0,My wife put me in charge of buying prizes for the games at our 5 year old's birthday party. I got a bag of fusilli and a bag of penne. They're going to love pasta parcel. +15545,0,"I just ate a hamburger really fast My girlfriend said, ""Wow, you inhaled that!"" I replied, ""I suppose you could say... I went HAM"" " +15546,2,"Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales; Lloysthwycyyrigridarbrewwthh..... Sorry, there was a hair in my mouth - I went to Swansea." +15547,1,"In the Philosophers prison... I shank, therefore you are not" +15548,1,You can tell a lot about a person by the type of paper they buy If a person buys the Guardian they’re liberal lefties. If a person buys the Daily Telegraph they’re right wing bores. And if a person buys Sandpaper they’re an Australian cricketer. +15549,1,Lifted from Rik Mayall... Why did the man cross the road? Because he got his knob stuck in the chicken. +15550,1,How does Paul Ryan expect to sell books without a Spine? +15551,0,Why do fat people like to be cremated? Because then they get to have smoking hot bodies. +15552,2,My friends addicted to drinking brake fluid... But he tells me he can stop anytime he wants. +15553,1,I was reading an article about burning cow dung as a new source of energy... I thought it was total bullshit. +15554,1,I lost 2000 calories today. I burned my brownies. +15555,2,Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. +15556,1,I was gonna tell you a joke about the wind... ...But it blows +15557,0,How many people could Donald Trump shoot before his poll numbers fell below 40%? About 3 million. But they would all have to be Trump supporters. +15558,1,"We know what Pink Panther sang when he saw a dead ant. What did he sing when he saw a live ant? He stepped on it and sang Dead ant Dead ant Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant." +15559,2,"A man walks into a diner, and orders eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce, served on a hubcap. The waiter, perplexed, asks him why. He responds: “There’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise...”" +15560,3,Fantastic exercise Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food. +15561,5,"If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour... ..you get baked. ...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year. " +15562,2,How do you make a walnut laugh? Crack it up! +15563,1,"If you plan on having sex with an Amish chick, do it when the sun is out, Because they're Mennonite." +15564,2,What do you call a bunch of musical condoms? A rubber band +15565,0,What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45^th President of the United States +15566,0,"My wife and I are planning our 21st... My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church." +15567,2,"Little Johnny was in Spanish Class one day... The teacher said, ""Okay, class, tell me a sentence that has to do with Nicaragua."" The teacher calls on Mary Lou. ""The flag of Nicaragua has white and blue stripes, with a coat of arms in the middle."" The teacher calls on Jason next. ""Nicaragua is located in Central America, with 6 other countries."" Lastly, the teacher calls on Little Johnny. ""When I saw a Black Mexican on the street yesterday dying of thirst, his brother was constantly pleading people to get that Nicaragua.""" +15568,3,"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned.............. ""go on"" says the priest. ""I swore the other day"" says the man. ""continue"" says the priest. ""I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway"". ""and this is when you swore?"" asked the priest. ""No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough"" continued the man. ""this must have been when you swore?"" the priest exclaimed. ""No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it"" continued the man. ""Ahhh I see"" says the priest ""this must have been the point where you swore"" ""Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"" The priest pauses for a few seconds ""you missed the fucking putt didn't you?""" +15569,0,The College Board's logo resembles an acorn No wonder they drive me nuts +15570,3,I'm glad my wife is lactose intolerant. We don't have to pose for pictures. +15571,1,What is Donald Trump's favourite music album? The Wall +15572,1,"Politicians go to adopt a dog A group of politicians go to the vet to adopt a dog. The first politician says, ""I'm a socialist, even though they take a lot of time and money, my family decided to get a dog because they deserve to have a life."" The second politician says, ""I'm a democrat, even though I didn't want a dog, the kids and the wife did."" The third politician says, ""I'm a Republican, I need a herding dog to help around the farm."" Then a fourth politician walks in. He says, ""I just wanted to check out this weeks competition.""" +15573,3,"A man walks into an lift (elevator) He looks at the attractive woman inside and says, ""Can I smell your vagina?"" Horrified, she moves away from him, ""No, you can not!"" ""Oh ok, it must be your feet then""" +15574,0,"A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender goes, ""That's cool! Where'd you get that?"" And the frog says, ""I don't know. Started out as a bump on my butt."" " +15575,0,An elephant once drank so much it started to see pink people +15576,5,"I was having sex with this girl, and she said some other guy's name. I was pissed. Who the fuck is Rape?" +15577,0,"My Uncle told me this joke he said reminded him of people when they’re hungover.... There’s a man stuck out at sea after his sailboat wrecks. Only left with a plank in the middle of the ocean and he says: “Oooooohhhh god....” he’s hoping god will save him. “Ooooooohhhh gooodddd. If you get me out of this situation.... I’ll never...” He’s trying to think of the perfect thing to say to god. “Oh god. I swear I’ll stop.... .... Ill always....” And then suddenly a ship appears within his sights and he says: “OH GOD nevermind there’s a ship over there, thanks anyway.” " +15578,2,Why do some photographers have such short attention spans? Becuse they have a 80D +15579,0,I had the worst sushi of all time the other day It wasn't even cooked +15580,2,"I once saw a chinese girl, and asked her number. She replied, Sex Sex Sex,Free Sex tonight. I said, Wow! My friend told me to not get my expectations to high because she meant 6663629." +15581,0,"One day... A Rabbi was curious about a civilization of people known as the trids. He entered the trid civilization and after he was done learning about them, he was ready to leave. The entire civilization was surrounded by walls so he asked one of the trids how to get out. He was told the only way out was to talk to the king, and insult him until he was mad and kicked you over the wall. So the Rabbi went to the king, and told him he was ugly, but the king ignored him. Then the Rabbi insulted the king's house and his wealth. The king still ignored him. Finally he Rabbi asked the king if he could kick him over the wall. The king said, Silly Rabbi kicks are for trids" +15582,2,What do you get when you mix Hitler with a dolphin? Adolfphin +15583,1,"How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? All of them. Because that will generate employment and therefore more consumption, shifting the aggregate demand to the right." +15584,0,3 Cheese Wheels Go To A Bar They weren't let in because they were Under aged. +15585,3,A flat earther was asked to describe fear... They said there was nothing to fear but sphere itself. +15586,1,How to get a baby to stop crying How do you get a baby to cry? Drop it How do you get it to stop crying? Drop it again +15587,0,"Friends night out So there's this guy who's a regular customer at a local restaurant in his town. He's kind of a big fan of the ground beef patties they serve there, alongside bread and sauce. One day a friend decides to visit his town, and the guy is ready to take him to the restaurant once they're all free from other business. He orders the beef patties for both of them and once the waiter brings their food, waits for his friend's review on the food, with a huge smile on his face. To his surprise, the friend pulls out a hair from the patty and is very disgusted. Furious with the incident and feeling very embarrassed, the guy decides to storm into the kitchen , demanding to meet the chef who made their meal. The chef is brought forward. Interestingly the chef is an amputee, with both of his arms amputated. The guy asks the chef how he managed to make ground beef patties without the use of his hands, and the chef shows him by taking off his shirt and using his chest to grind the beef and press it into a circular shape. With the obvious look of shock on the guy's face, the waiter approaches the man and says, ""Amazing huh? You should see how he makes Shish Kebabs, it'll blow your mind""" +15588,0,Why do musicians go to the moon? They like to rock-it +15589,1,"Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I'm easily lead." +15590,1,"A police officer called the station on his radio ""Uh... Sir, we got a interesting case in here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"" ""Have you arrested the women?"" ""No... the floor's still wet"" Edit:Grammar" +15591,2,Where do Salads try on clothes? The dressing room +15592,2,"If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant? Langhorne Steakhouse" +15593,1,What did one needle say to the other? Looking sharp! +15594,4,Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it. +15595,0,"A koala on a tall tree taunts the other koalas on the ground: ""How are ya gonna get up here?"" The Koalas on the ground reply, ""Eucalyptus"" (You can lift us)" +15596,1,What's Mozart up to these days? Decomposing. +15597,0,How can you tell an old lady with short hair apart from an old man? The old man is the one with perkier tits. +15598,0,"My doctor is very hi-tech. He told me I had six months to live... I told him I couldn't pay the bill, so he gave me another 100 milliseconds." +15599,1,Horses are very pessimistic In fact they're the worst neigh-sayers I know +15600,0,"how do u milk sheep? bottled 'spring' water, over-priced apple products and ridiculously priced brand name clothing. \\#staywoke \\#hailcorporate \\#runbymoney \\#wakeupsheeple \\#donttrustgov \\#revolutionwontbetelevised \\#occupy " +15601,2,Why didn’t the cow cross the road The chicken said “don’t do it man you’ll never here the end of it” +15602,2,"Did you hear about the Casino that hired a Blacksmith? He who smelt it, dealt it." +15603,2,What is The Pope's favorite workout program? Cross-fit +15604,0,So an orca's prey tried to escape But his fate was sealed +15605,1,What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo. This ain't my first yo yo! +15606,0,"Me: ""I heard a great knock knock joke today. Wanna hear it?"" Friend: ""Sure!"" Me: ""........."" Friend: ""What's the joke?"" Me: ""I'm waiting, it only works when you start! """ +15607,0,A change is as good as a holiday. Especially if the change you make is your location. +15608,1,What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns? A cross-dresser +15609,1,Left my stressful job to be a farmer for fingerlings. Now all my problems are small potatoes. +15610,1,"I told my buddy I had a threesome with my crazy exes last night. ""That's fucking nuts"", he said." +15611,0,There were many heros in World War II... Like the guy who killed Hitler +15612,3,What award do you give a bad dentist? A plaque. +15613,1,"Two blondes talking ""Did you know airplane's black box is orange"" ""What, you're saying it's not a box?""" +15614,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from colonel Sanders +15615,1,Fulfilling Career Shoe shining should be just below Bishop in the Church - They touch so many soles. +15616,2,I invented a robot to remove the cartridge from my gaming console and replace it with another. It was a game changer! +15617,1,"Yo mama so fat, Thanos had to clap!" +15618,1,"After playing on the jungle gym for a few hours, a tired child walks into a bar. He really should have looked where he was going." +15619,0,I just signed a contract as a singer and straight away I almost got my first hit I will never cross the road during the red light ever again *Badam tssss* +15620,0,What is a favorite film for an average girl? Mean Girls +15621,3,Do I look like Fucking... W- can you help me in the garden? H- do i look like a fucking gardener? W- well can you help with the door? H- do i look like a fucking carpenter? Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done. H- see I knew you could do it! W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor. H- how much you pay him? W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread. H- I hope you gave him bread. W- Do I look like a fucking baker? +15622,5,Why dont hillbillies do reverse cowgirl? Because they don't turn their back on family. +15623,0,"My wife told me I can get anal if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, so I wanted to ask you guys to do me a favor. But then I found that strap-on in her cabinet." +15624,1,"What do you call a bunch of furries, an all girls volleyball meet, and a video game tournament? Genesis 3. " +15625,3,What do you call the first day you ever get an erection? Your girthday. +15626,0,What is a tire after reading an ironic racist joke? Satire +15627,1,I just got back from a weekend camping trip with a bunch of swingers. It was fucking in tents. +15628,1,"When the penis asked the testicles why butt holes hate members of the reproductive system, the testicles replied.. They hate us ‘cause they anus" +15629,1,There's a goose spreading out patriotic misinformation! He's a proper gander +15630,4,What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snowballs. +15631,2,"A wise man once said ""Don't quote me""" +15632,0,Why is the archeologist sad? v.2 Tried to tell the front page joke to a friend and he simply answered: - Because he can't find the joke. +15633,1,"Sticks and stones may break my bones, But your mom is definitely overweight." +15634,3,"Whatever else he's done, Trump is serious about creating jobs. The White House is always hiring." +15635,1,How many Chernobyl survivors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They already glow. +15636,2,A scarecrow won the Nobel prize He was outstanding in his field +15637,3,How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side. +15638,2,"Wrong Answer, Murphy Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, ""Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."" Murphy said, ""And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"" The manager replied, ""We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."" ""And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"" asked Murphy. The manager replied, ""Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" +15639,0,"What's white, black, and red all over? A skunk with a nasty rash" +15640,0,"I can't win a fight with my girlfriend. I'm rational, shes irrational... Its a real problem" +15641,1,A man walked up to 3 nuns sitting on a bench. He opened up his trench coat and flashed them. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun had a stroke. The third nun couldn't reach. +15642,0,Why are gay men so good at holding their breath? There isnt a lot of air in a closet +15643,3,"Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench-coat walks in front of them, stops, and flashes them. The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also has a stroke. But the third couldn't reach. " +15644,2,I met my girlfriend in a Khoisan Language class We instantly clicked. +15645,0,Do farts have lumps? No? Then I've definitely shit my pants. +15646,1,"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."" " +15647,4,"Three men are competing to see who’s the better swordsman. The first takes his blade, spots a fly flying nearby and says: “watch this”. He then swings at the fly, and the sword cuts it in half! The second says: “that’s nothing, watch this” and swings with his blade at another fly nearby. The fly immediately falls, and a close inspection reveals its wings were cut off! The third says: “child’s play, watch this”, and swings his blade at yet another fly. It continues flying as if nothing happened. Confused, the others turn to him. “But the fly is still flying!” “Maybe”, replies the third, “but it’s not going to have any more children.”" +15648,1,"Pet Duck A man had a pet duck and he took it with him everywhere he went. He was just so attached to the duck. One day he decided to go to the movies and in order to sneak the duck in, he hid it in his pants. He finally got to his seat and opened his fly so the duck could get some air. The woman next to him turned to her boyfriend and exclaimed, ""The man next to me is exposing himself!"" Her boyfriend told her to just ignore him. She said, ""I can't - it's eating my popcorn!""" +15649,0,"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means, Even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. " +15650,5,How do you crack a joke on r/Jokes? ctrl+v. +15651,8,"The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset. The wife asked, ""Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"" Helen: ""There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."" Wife: ""Who said that?"" Helen: ""Your husband."" Wife: ""Oh."" Helen: ""The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."" Wife: ""Who said that?"" Helen: ""Your husband."" Wife: ""Oh."" Helen: ""The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."" Wife: ""Did my husband say that as well?"" Helen: ""No, the gardener did."" Wife: ""So, how much do you want?""" +15652,0,"Teacher: Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you? Students: Eggs! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you? Students: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Students: Homework! " +15653,0,"Masturbation When I was a teenager my father told me ""If you keep doing that you'll go blind"". I said ""Can't I just do it until I need glasses?"" Proof: Glasses." +15654,0,What do you call a single cheese boat race? Romano +15655,0,Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? They don't want people to think they're dancing. +15656,2,What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? We don't know; she hasn't opened her presents yet. +15657,0,What happens when you cross.. ....a black person with an octopus? A creature that picks cotton eight times faster +15658,0,What's the difference... between a woman with ageusia and a nursing mother? One lacks taste. +15659,0,"What's the difference between a deathly peanut allergy and autoerotic asphyxiation? In one, you choke *on* nuts..." +15660,1,"Who knew Peter Frampton was such a committed vegetarian? Always singing ""I want you to show me the whey.""" +15661,4,What's between an 80 year old woman's breasts that's not between a 20 year old woman's breasts? A belly button +15662,0,A man walks into a bar and orders a coffee and a blowjob. Waitress: I'm terribly sorry but we're out of coffee. Man: I'll go somewhere else then. +15663,4,"My girlfrend borrowed $100 dollars from me, a year later when we broke up, she returned exactly $100 dollars. I lost interest in that relationship." +15664,1,A man walks into a yoga class.... And is really disruptive to the whole class so the teacher asks him to leave. The man puts his hands together and says namaste. +15665,0,What's Jared Fogle's favorite place in Bikini Bottom? Weenie Hut Jr's +15666,2,"The bartender says ""We don't serve faster than light particles in here."" A tacheon walks into a bar." +15667,1,Why didn't the vulture have to check in his luggage before flying? Because all he needed was carrion +15668,4,"Me and my friends had an argument... [NSFW] Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up, one of my friends said necrophilia, the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse" +15669,1,What do you tell a homeless Muslim lady? Get Hijob +15670,0,What do rights believers and organ harvesters have in common? They both believe it's what's on the *inside* that counts! ...I'll show myself out :( +15671,0,How much is too much semanticts? Who can tell +15672,1,Your momma so fat she is almost as fat as my mom +15673,0,"In which fairy tale does a man kick another man in the balls, only to discover that his victim is actually a woman? Boot in Puss" +15674,2,"Two fish in a tank One fish looks over at the other and says ""Can you drive this thing?""" +15675,3,I deserve to be with someone who accepts me for who I am pretending to be. +15676,2,"Upon preparing for our vacation to Iran, I asked my friend, ""Should I bring weed?"" He replied: ""Only gay people get stoned where we're going.""" +15677,0,Where does a French person go to the bathroom? The Loo-rve +15678,0,What is better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on an organ. +15679,2,"I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule. Guess he just half-assed it..." +15680,1,"What's the difference between a regular product and a fancy one? The regular one says ""Made in China"". The fancy one says ""Designed in the USA. Made in China.""" +15681,2,I’d like to go to Sweden But I can’t a-fjord it. +15682,1,"My financial advisor asked me ""What's your net worth?"" I said ""I don't own a net.""" +15683,9,"My wife came home yesterday... and said, ""Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."" I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, ""You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."" ""No, there's definitely water in the carburettor,"" she insisted. ""Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"" ""In the lake.""" +15684,0,*tips fedora at cancer* m'lady +15685,4,I was thinking of becoming a banker ... But I lost interest +15686,1,Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon. They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble. +15687,5,"An old man goes into a restaurant... An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order. ""What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, ""A quickie."" The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, ""What would you like, sir?"" Again, the old man thoroughly checks her out and answers, ""I'd like a quickie, please."" This time, the waitress's anger takes over -- she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding ""SMACK!"" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, ""Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche.'"" 😀" +15688,0,I got easily through No-Nuts-November. With some Twix. +15689,2,"A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. ""I just opened a pioneering business,"" the guy says. ""So, what do you actually do?"" the bartender asks. ""I just told you,"" the guy replies. ""I sell pie and earrings.""" +15690,5,Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not. +15691,0,"Bob runs a small company. One day, Kevin, one of his employees, dies. Bob and his wife go to the funeral. On the way back home, she asks him: ""Dear, you know my brother is a little lazy, but he's been looking for a good job opportunity. Do you think he could replace Kevin?"" Bob answers: ""It's ok for me, but we would have to talk with the graveyard administration""" +15692,1,Half a large intestine... ...would be a semicolon. +15693,1,Scientist 1: What should we call this spider that has long legs? Scientist 2: How about Long Legs? Scientist 1: Not kinky enough... +15694,3,"Something tells me I'm in for a long day, . . . like the longest day I've had in a year!" +15695,6,What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drinker +15696,0,"How do ya catch a fish under da computer? With the internet, dummy!" +15697,4,Why does Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic Attacks. +15698,1,I'm getting tired of being viewed as a sex object. At every store I go to the cashiers are checking me out. +15699,2,"3 Europeans come to America but are captured by a Native American tribe who desires to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed on what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. So the Native American says, “Shove it up your ass, and if you laugh then we will kill you.” So he shoves the peach up his ass and laughs, so the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so that’s why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yeah I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back holding a pineapple!”" +15700,0,The driver who gets taken advantage of is called? Screwedriver +15701,0,What do you call a girl without boobs? **Justin Bieber** +15702,0,"Kristen Bell sings 'Frozen' songs to evacuees I would have chosen ""Gone with the Wind"" soundtrack" +15703,1,Peter died and was reincarnated. He was now called Re-Peter. +15704,1,Some guy went to my orthodontist appointment and he had to get molds of his teeth I think they got the wrong impression of me +15705,2,What's the difference between a classical musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of five. +15706,2,"A guy ask another guy his name... Guy 1: Hi, whats your name? Guy 2: 🅱 Guy 1: thats a odd name 🅱, why would your parents name you that? Guy 2: they said that when i died this stupid fucking meme would die" +15707,5,"The teacher was trying to avoid calling on Dirty Johnny, the most foul mouthed kid in third grade. She asked Cindy to name a three syllable word and use it in a sentence, while Dirty Johnny waved his hand frantically. ""Beautiful. My teacher is beautiful"" said Cindy. ""That's correct, and very sweet of you"" the teacher replied. Johnny was still waving his hand, but the teacher called on Derek. ""Wonderful. I have a wonderful teacher."" ""Thank you Derek! Your answer is also correct."" Now only Dirty Johnny has his hand up. The teacher sighs and calls on him. ""Urinate!"" Dirty Johnny exclaims. The teacher is surprised. This isn't as bad as she expected... ""Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!""" +15708,6,"The Bottle of Wine Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Mike tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike. ""What in bag?"" asked the old man. Mike looked down at the brown bag and said, ""Oh, it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."" The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, ""Good trade!”" +15709,0,My girlfriend accused me of cheating I promptly told her to shut the fuck up and that I can barely afford her spending. +15710,0,"Three men are working in a Kitchen.. Cook 1: If you don't clean that up Manuel will get very angry Cook 2: Do you know the other dishwasher Manuel? Dishwasher: Yes, I know that man well." +15711,0,How do you give a time-out to a Mexican child? Have him stand against a wall. +15712,2,"What's black, has smooth skin, and drives women more and more wild the bigger it is? A wallet" +15713,2,"Once there was a friar named John John was a simple man who only wanted to plant flowers. But most people did not care about John's flowers. They would step on them, ride horses over them, and do many other horrible things to poor John's flowers. One day, a child let his dog relieve himself in the flowers, and that was the final straw for John. John began to breed his flowers for a new purpose. He made a flower that when sniffed, would kill whoever sniffed it. He began to offer it to people who destroyed his precious flowers. They would take a sniff, and within a few moments, they would be dead. John would then use the bodies as fertilizer. The lord of the town began to worry, as many of his subjects were disappearing. He sent out his best knight to find the source. The knight searched high and low. Eventually he wound up at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen anyone who might be killing the townsfolk. ""Ah, good sir knight,"" said John, ""I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?"" The knight, not knowing any better, took a sniff of the flower and died. The lord began to worry even more, as his knight had not returned. So he sent out his constable. The constable searched high and low, and eventually he too wound up at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen the knight anywhere. ""Ah, good sir constable,"" said John, ""I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?"" The constable, not knowing any better, took a sniff of the flower and died. The lord was fraught with worry. He screamed, ""Is there no one who can rid me of this curse?!"" A young man stepped forward and offered to find the knight and the constable. The lord accepted and offered him a great reward if he was successful. Eventually, the young man also arrived at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen the knight or the constable anywhere. ""Ah, sirrah,"" said John, ""I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?"" But the young man suddenly drew a dagger and killed the friar. He found the knight and the constable buried in the garden and dragged all three corpses back to the lord. The lord was astounded. ""How did you know he was the murderer?"" He asked. The young man replied, ""The girl I was supposed to marry bought a flower one day, and she died soon after. I could only assume the flower had killed her. I then deduced it must be the friar."" The lord heaped praises upon him and gave him a great reward. He then asked the young man his name. ""Hugh,"" the man replied. What is the moral of this story? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars." +15714,5,I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on one hand... Seven +15715,0,"A French Legionnaire Captain In a Legionnaire fort in Algeria a Captain is making rounds and checking on the morale of his troops. The Captain ask his Lieutenant what it is the men use to handle their ""manly urges"". The young officer points to a camel tied to the gate of the fort. The Captain is confused but he doesn't question the lieutenant because they are in a remote location. The Captain finishes inspection and decides to stay at the fort for the night. The next morning there is a commotion at the gate and all the soldiers are pissed. The Captain makes his way to the gate. The lieutenant tells the Captain that it appears that someone raped the camel to death. The Captain confesses to the Lieutenant Don't tell the men but It was me. I knew I gave it to her rough but I had no idea she would die. I thought you said the camel was for manly urges?"" The Lieutenant embarrassingly replies ""Yeah it is for manly urges but he men ride the camel to the whorehouse in town"". " +15716,1,What do you call a sexually confused monkey? Curious George +15717,1,"Worried about wife A man goes to his doctor and says "" Doc, I can't figure out if my wife is crazy or has Alzheimers. How can I tell ?"" The doctor says "" take her out in the woods 20 miles from the nearest road. If she makes it back, she's just crazy """ +15718,0,"The Sexy Son So one night a father is up at 5am sitting tight for his child. The child sneaks in the entryway. The father asks ""Where have you been?"" The child answers ""Well Dad, I was out with a few companions today around evening time and you realize what I engaged in sexual relations."" The father is overcome with enjoyment so he opens a jug of costly cognac has a drink with his child, smokes a stogie, and they both go to sleep. One night, the child returns late - his father anxiously sitting tight for him. The child ventures in the entryway and his dad glad as ever asks him ""So child you get fortunate again today around evening time?"" The child answers ""It is highly unlikely I'd have the capacity to engage in sexual relations this evening. My can is as yet killing me from the last time.""" +15719,4,Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber. Then it's different shit same day. +15720,1,What do you call it when two lesbians decide to become monogamous with each other? Holemates. +15721,0,Tennessee police warn not flush drugs down the toilets. For fear of creating meth-gators +15722,1,Why is Russia such a gassy country? Because their leader has been Putin for a long time. +15723,0,My son was upset because he didn't get a costume before Halloween. I told him he could just use a white sheet and go as a Trump supporter. +15724,5,"I watched 3 movies back to back with my wife last night. Luckily, I was the one facing the screen. " +15725,2,"A guy walks into a brothel.... And ask how much it costs to sleep with one of the ladies. ""$200"". ""What can I get for $20?"". ""Piss of and jack off on the street."". 10 minutes later, the same guy walks in again. ""You again! I told you to get lost. What do you want?!"" ""Uh... pay the bill?""." +15726,1,My friend invited me to a party in Korea Didn’t know a Seoul +15727,1,What do you call the son of Kim jong-un? Kim jong-deux +15728,0,"Would you like a havarti sandwich? No thank you, havarti got a sandwich! *rim shot*" +15729,3,My dad just bought a new washing machine What should we call her? +15730,2,I put the cool into school And the lit into illiterate +15731,0,What is spiderman's least favorite month? [OC] DocOctober +15732,0,"What’s a Canadian’s favorite game? Sorry, eh. " +15733,0,What's the similarities between a janitor and the U.S.? They both clean up after others. +15734,2,What sound does a sneezing nut make? Cashew! +15735,5,Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage. +15736,1,I like my women like Hillary Nasty and exposed ! +15737,2,"A man walks into a bar and starts talking to three ducks... He says to the first duck, ""Hey, little guy! How's your day been? The response comes ""Hi! I'm Hughie and I'm great! I've been in and out of puddles all day!"" The man talks to the second duck. ""And how are you doing?"" ""Hi! I'm Dewey and I'm doing fantastic! I've been in and out of puddles all day!"" The man turns to the third duck and says, ""Haha, so you must be Louie! How are-"" The third duck gloomly interrupts and says ""No, I'm Puddles and I'm not having a good day."" " +15738,3,"My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking... ...and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, ""Now be brutally honest."" She smiled, ""I'm open to criticism."" I said, ""They're quite nice, you fat cunt."" " +15739,2,Why do programmers celebrate Halloween and Christmas on the same day? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25. +15740,0,When did scientists realize that Jupiter had no solid ground? When they saw the hole planet. +15741,0,"The Penguin expedition (NSFW) In the middle of a North Pole expedition, the zoologist found a group of highly specialised penguins. Overwhelmed with excitements, he docked the ship and went to investigate. Being the first time they saw humans, they were not afraid at all. In fact, the Penguins began to speak English. LITERALLY English. Some were playing soccer, the others were watching TVs. The zoologist were in awe. It’s the first time he found animals that exhibit human behaviours... So he approached and interviewed one of the penguins. “Hi! Um...what do you do usually??” The zoologists asked. That’s the only question he could think of. “Well. I usually read books, play some basketball, sometimes hanging out with friends. When I am really bored, I might watch some porn...” “....Ah ! And yes. I Love beating diddo!” The zoologist were puzzled. What is “beating diddo?” He wondered if this is an individual behaviour. So he went and asked another penguin. “Well, I like swimming. Work out every day. Some casual sex once in a while. Love playboy spreads! Ah, and I spare sometime to beat diddo” The other penguin added, “ Yeah. We love hanging out. Sometimes we beat diddo together.” The zoologist were so confused. It seemed that they have quite an erotic lifestyle, but what the hell was “beating diddo”? So he approached another penguin from afar. It looked a little nerdy. It even had a pair of glass. “Hey fella, what do you usually do?” The zoologist asked. “Me?” The penguin asked, “ I like to read, fictions or non-fictions. Solving calculus. Watch some Anime. Sometimes I cook. Just baked some muffins” “...Is that it? Nothing else?” The zoologist asked. “No, nothing else.” The penguin replied “Don’t you ‘beat diddo’ like the rest of the folks?” The zoologist questioned. “Ah! Well ... .. I... I... I... ...I am Diddo” " +15742,2,Dead already. Apparently Freddy Kruger only preys on teenagers because by the time you turn twenty all your hopes and dreams are already dead. +15743,0,what did the hacker say to the egg farmer you farm was too vulnerable so i took at crack at it +15744,0,I know something different about bonsai trees... They really jump out at you +15745,4,"A man gets pulled over for speeding When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man ""sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."" The man looks at him and says ""well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back. Officer says ""Have a nice day sir""" +15746,0,"What do You call a Cowboy Film That is Made, Produced and Starring a Republican Clint Gets Trumped" +15747,1,"I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, ""Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"" ""Jenny""" +15748,0,Did you hear about the stripper who had a wardrobe malfunction? The nip didn’t slip. +15749,2,A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people skip his name +15750,3,Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today.... Unfortunately it was two years too late +15751,0,C sharp major is the most painful key to play in. It's like pins and needles. +15752,1,What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette. +15753,1,This is courtesy of my friend... Why don’t cows have feet? Because they lac-toes +15754,3,If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child... they could call it Slush Puppy :) +15755,2,I can't help that I'm a virgin I was born this way +15756,3,Whatever You do Always Give 100 % Unless You're Donating Blood +15757,2,How many Bavarians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One of them to actually change it and the other to hold their beer. +15758,1,"Boy calls911 Boy calls 911. Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning." +15759,1,"Was Robin Hood any good in bed? I don't know, but he certainly Maid Marian happy" +15760,0,"The tyrannical CEO Initech was a world shipping conglomerate. Its CEO was a real tyrant. He was abusive to all of his subordinates and would even bully members of the board to get his way. He once chewed out a Senior Vice President because he didn't like the color of the VP's tie. He once fired a division director for using the wrong cover for his quarterly TPS report. And he liked to assert his superiority in calling last minute, mandatory, all-hands-required meetings. When the staff heard that there was one of these meetings coming up, he knew that there would be trouble. And sure enough, when the CEO arrived (five minutes late), he went straight into a tirade about… flying alligators. After he finished the room went silent. The CEO turned red. > I don't believe that you have all understood the gravity of this situation. Facing the COO he shouted, > Dave, why aren't you concerned about this‽ You mean to tell me that you don't believe in flying alligators‽ Dave replied, > I do sir, it's just, they fly really, really low." +15761,1,Did you hear about the person who spent over £1 million in the perfume shop? They had more money than scents. +15762,0,"A Mexican, a Chinese man, and a White man are on a building. They have to throw over whatever they have too much of in their country. The Mexican throws over beans, the Chinese man throws over rice, and Then the planes hit." +15763,0,"A boy named Sue had a particularly rough childhood because of his unusual name... Constantly being ridiculed was tough on Sue, but eventually he graduated and married his sweetheart, Darlene. When their first child was born, he let Darlene name her. She named the baby girl ""Love"" inspired in the same spirit as Sue's unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Sue did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Sue took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Sue's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. ""What happened?!"" she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, ""Shot by a dart, and you're to blame. Darlene, you gave Love a bad name.""" +15764,4,"I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets... then it hit me." +15765,2,Why couldn't the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. +15766,6,"I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow… Told mom that my girlfriend is retarded…" +15767,2,"I usually don’t wear these socks out in public... They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in." +15768,0,A janitor was found working hard in the school locker room. He's a real man of the peephole. +15769,6,"I went for a job interview at EA Games today. The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.” I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”" +15770,4,"A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist were all at a mental hospital. The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.” The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.” The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.” The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.” The pyromaniac says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again, and then burn it.” The masochist says, “Meow.”" +15771,2,"You snooze, you lose -is not exactly how I thought I'd lose my virginity" +15772,6,What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. +15773,1,"Trust me... ""Trust me, you can dance."" -Vodka" +15774,7,"A black child and his father are on an airplane The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement. ""Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."" The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. ""We are not African Americans."" Shortly after another announcement is made. ""Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."" The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. ""No son we are not black."" Shortly after another announcement is made. ""Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."" Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. ""No son were not colored."" ""But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?"" ""Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!""" +15775,0,"Yer a wizerd, 'arry im fkin wot m8??/1!" +15776,1,"A man walks into a western bar When he sits down a Texan asks the man if he knew the state bird, he replied ""no"" so the Texan informed him it was the mockingbird, the man asked ""why the mockingbird?"" And the Texan replied ""WhY tHe MOcKinGbIrD???""" +15777,9,"My friend Tommy drowned the other day... At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted..." +15778,3,"Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless.... It's Chris Hansen. " +15779,1,"My wife is blind... The first time we had sex she told me ""You have the biggest cock I've ever handled"" I told her, ""You're just pulling my leg!""" +15780,0,"The Pink Ping Pong Balls A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were ""ping pong ball"". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy ""So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?"" The boy said, ""Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball."" Father said ""That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?"" The boy said ""No, just a pink ping pong ball. So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again. A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls. The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have. And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls. The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday. `Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.' The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.' And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls. The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again. The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday. `Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.' The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?' `A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed. `I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.' And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls. The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared. `Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?' The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.' The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. `Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.' One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home. The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left. The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong. `Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.' It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there. `Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.' That night, the son spent on board the tanker. The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy. A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital. His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?' Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.' The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.' `Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.' The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk. Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls. The son nodded weakly. The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room. Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested. The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter. `I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth. `I- I-' Then he died." +15781,1,Why is the rooster $3? It's a buck buck buck cock. +15782,3,Being dyslexic sucks during Christmas. My letters to Satan never get answered. +15783,0,"Obamacare: American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package: American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package: The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, ""Over my dead body!"" while the Pediatricians said, ""Oh, grow up!"" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would ""put a whole new face on the matter."" The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington. " +15784,0,"What has four legs and goes ""marc, marc?"" A dog with a harelip." +15785,4,I like my women how I like my wine... ...Locked down in the basement +15786,4,What does the F in Communism stand for Food +15787,1,There's an angel stuck in my T.V. antenna... At least I have immaculate reception. +15788,0,If taxis are liveries... Does that make hearses deaderies? +15789,4,"A blond girl goes into a library and asks ""I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries"" The librarian a tad taken aback goes ""Lady, you do know that you're at the library, right?"" The blond girl goes ""Shoot, I'm sorry"" then she whispers "" I'd like a Big Mac, a tall Coke and a medium french fries""" +15790,0,What do you call a pirate who is all out of reales(Silver coins)? Long Gone Silver... /drops mic +15791,1,"A College Scholar A college scholar stood at the top of a building, ready to commit suicide. On the ground, far below, his physics professor looked up at him. He knew that his student was going to do great things and now it was all about to be over as he stood on top of that building. The student jumped, killing himself. The physics professor, now disappointed, said, ""You know, I saw a lot of potential in him.""" +15792,2,What is the best career as a spider? A web developer +15793,2,"Our local hospital made medical history. A boy was born with no eyelids.When they circumsised him they were able to take the foreskin and graft it above his eyes for,wholla,eye lids.The operation was successfull, although ,he might come out a little cockeyed." +15794,0,What toothpaste brand did the Ancient Greeks use? Laurel-B +15795,0,College and my moms marriage have a lot in common.... My dad dropped out of both +15796,0,"When you give a gamer a build queue... (JUST ONE MORE TURN!) When you give a gamer a build queue, he'll want an archer to go with it. And when you give him an archer, he'll want a few warriors and a catapult. And when you give him some warriors and a catapult, he'll want an invasion. And when you give him an invasion, he'll want a conquest. And when you give him a conquest, he'll want a victory. And when you give him a victory, he'll want a cookie to celebrate. And when you give him a cookie, he'll want a cake as well. And he won't get a cake, because the cake is a lie." +15797,0,A girl asked me if I would like to see her pussy... ...and then she showed me her cat! +15798,0,Why Hillary Clinton's Gmail account is never out of space? Her emails get deleted automatically! +15799,1,"A couple walks into a bar. The man asks, ""Do we know you ?"" 'No', says the barman. ""Then would you give my wife an orgasm ?"" Wife looks at husband incredulously. Man turns to her and says, ""What? , it's not like you came here before.""" +15800,0,"A middle school kid was in PE class. The kid was playing soccer and refused to pass, so the PE teacher said “Hey kid there’s no I in team” So they kid replied “ there’s no I in master bate, what’s your point?”" +15801,0,So I was spanking the monkey yesterday... ...and then i got banned from the zoo for life. +15802,0,"So this is a true story I was at a family outing, and my uncle asked me to make him tea. He gave very specific instructions, only a quarter of a spoon of sugar and no milk. So there's this foldable table set up, with foam cups, napkins, hot water boilers, tea bags, etc. You know what I'm talking about. There were many people before me, so the whole table was a mess. Anyways, I expertly poured hot water from the tank, after inserting the tea bag. However, there was only 1 plastic spoon for pouring in sugar... and it was covered in drops of milk. I figured, no big deal, only a small minuscule amount of milk... And so poured the quarter of a spoon of sugar, with traces of milk, into the tea. However, the tea turned into this gray color, like dirty dish water. I went back to our table and gave him his cup of tea. He looked at me disgusted and confused, and asked what is that. And right on the spot, I replied, ""Oh, it's earl gray tea"". The answer seemed to satisfy him and he drank away." +15803,1,What was Whitney Houston’s favorite kind of coordination? HAND-EEEEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEEEE +15804,3,How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? *Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.* +15805,1,I've been trying to get a job on The Weather Channel forever... But turnover is low due to their low pressure system +15806,1,"A handyman dies and is sent to hell His name's José. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so José fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil, ""What's up?"" The Devil says, ""Things are great down here since you sent us a handyman."" ""What?"" says God. ""A handyman? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."" The Devil responds, ""No way José. We like him."" God demands, ""If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"" The Devil laughs. ""Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""" +15807,2,"TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, ""Hurry it up, man!"" Credit: my wife" +15808,1,There are two types of speakers in this world People who finish their sentences. +15809,0,"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose... And if you ever saw it, you would wonder how the fuck it glows. All of the other reindeer were terrified of his nose. They would run and hide when Rudolph came close. Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say... ""Rudolph... holy Jesus fuck! What is going on with your fucking nose. Oh my fucking god! Martha call the police. Run for your life! The fucking reindeer's a mutant!""" +15810,2,"A guy goes into a bar to celebrate his last night out before he gets married He pulls up a stool and orders a hard drink right off the bat. The bartender asks ""What's the occasion?"" ""Well, it's my last night out to do anything fun and crazy before I tie the knot"" ""Congratulations! This ones on the house, I wish y'all the best of luck."" ""Thanks man."" He says as he downs the whole glass. ""So what kind of crazy stuff were you looking to do as your last night?"" ""Honestly, the main thing I want is to get fucked. After tomorrow, sex will practically be a thing of the past."" The bartender asks ""Are you sure about that?"" ""Oh I'm positive. Last night as a bachelor, I gotta get fucked."" The bartender pours him another hard drink and steps aside to make a phone call. He returns a few minutes later and gives the bachelor a small, torn piece of paper with an address on it. ""What's this?"" He asks ""Go to this address. You'll find a metal door with a sliding peephole on it. Knock four times and when he answers, tell him what you want. He'll hook you up."" "" Wow, are you serious?! Thanks, bud."" Overjoyed he polishes off a third drink and hurries to the address on the paper. There's a metal door with a sliding peephole on it. He knocks four times and waits.. After a few moments the peephole slides open. ""What do you want?"" Excited, the bachelor answers ""I'm looking to get fucked. I was told you could help me out."" The eyes through the door look him up and down and the says, ""Alright, slide a $20 under the door."" He does as he asks and waits. A couple minutes go by, nothing. Ten more minutes go buy, still nothing. He knocks again. The sliding peephole opens up again. ""What do you want?"" A little annoyed, he says, ""I'm trying to get fucked"" ""What, again?""" +15811,0,I hear there’s a new gem store opening down the road. They have a neat catchphrase. #”*Welcome to Mohs!*” +15812,3,What's brown and sticky? A stick. +15813,2,What comes after 16 sodium atoms? Batman. +15814,1,A man tries to fix a socket with a fork... What happens next will shock you! +15815,0,"My friend says to me: ""what rhymes with orange"" I said: ""no it doesn't""" +15816,8,"Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw) A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese - $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef - $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says ""what will you have handsome?"" ""Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"" He asks. ""Yes I am!."" She replies with a wink. ""Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."" " +15817,1,"I like my women how I like my coffee. Small, dark, and made by my parents." +15818,1,"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer ""I don't serve half-beers"" the bartender replies ""Excuse me?"" Asks mathematician #2 ""What kind of bar serves half-beers?"" The bartender remarks. ""That's ridiculous."" ""Oh c'mon"" says mathematician #1 ""do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"" ""There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."" ""But that's not a problem"" mathematician #3 chimes in ""at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"" ""I know how limits work"" interjects the bartender ""Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"" ""Are you kidding me?"" The bartender replies, ""you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"" ""HE'S ON TO US"" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. ""FOOLS"" it booms in unison, ""I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. ""But wait"" he inturrupts, thinking fast, ""if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. ""My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!"" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. ""How did you know that that would work?"" ""It's simple really"" the bartender says. ""I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."" " +15819,4,What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor +15820,2,"two knocks on a door *knock knock* ""who's there?"" damn it, nevermind, it won't work. it's an inside joke." +15821,4,"Aye Aye Captain *Sex in the Navy !* A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. ""Let me show you,"" says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. ""This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."" The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. ""Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"" ""Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."" ""Why not Thursday?"" ""That's your day in the barrel""" +15822,1,I lost my dictionary THERE ARE NO WORDS +15823,4,I yelled “COW!” At a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried. +15824,1,A man was just waiting for the train when a woman stops by and asks if she is on the right spot for the hospital. The man tells her that she isn't and that she should probably stand on the rails. +15825,5,Why was the gay security guard fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job. +15826,0,What did Hitler say when he got his gas bill? Auuu Schwitz +15827,2,TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals. Edit: Tanks for the gold! +15828,0,Do you know where Mike Kox is? It's in Mike Pence. +15829,1,What do you call a lazy crocodile? A procrastigator (I'm trash) +15830,2,"A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas The poor man asks the rich man, ""What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"" The rich man replies, ""Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."" The poor man asks, ""Why are you getting her two gifts?"" The rich man says, ""Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."" ​ The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, ""So what are you getting your wife this year?"" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, ""A pair of slippers and a dildo."" ​ The rich man asks, ""Why those two things?"" The poor man astutely responds, ""This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f\\*ck herself.""" +15831,2,Iron Man is a superhero Iron Woman is a command +15832,3,"How do you make 3 pounds of fat look beautiful? Simple, just add a nipple." +15833,0,My wife’s a huge necrophiliac She knows I’m dead on the inside but we have sex anyway +15834,0,"An Englishman, a Spaniard, and an Irishman walk into a pub The Icelander couldn't make it because he's still in the Euros." +15835,1,Why does Ken never have sex with Barbie? Because he comes in another box. +15836,2,I went to a therapist and told him I was having wife trouble... He immediately noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring and he said “Sir your not even married.” And then I said “That’s why I am having wife troubles!” And started crying. +15837,1,My wife just pushed out our first baby. ​ Took us ages to build that raft. +15838,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To apply for a job as a cook at KFC... ...because he is a psychopath who wants to watch his friends and family burn in a deep fryer. +15839,0,A woman goes to the doctors... Patient: Doctor doctor I’ve a pain in my lady parts Doctor: Ok Mrs Smith I’ll take a look. Ok everything seems fine but I’m just going to have to numb the area for you is that ok? Patient: Yes doctor no worries Doctor: Nom Nom Nom +15840,3,"Mickey Mouse got a call from his lawyer, ""Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's 'extremely silly'!"" ""I didn't say she was extremely silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!""" +15841,3,"I accidentally drank a bottle of ink. The doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel as though I've dyed inside." +15842,0,How do you tell if water is true or false? Bring it to a bool. +15843,1,How long does it take for males to put on their underwear? A Brief second +15844,3,"A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government... so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''" +15845,0,Idaho Said the prostitute. +15846,1,"Locally we had a midget psychic get arrested for fraud, but she escaped custody We have a small medium at large" +15847,3,What do you call an Asian knight? A chink in the armor (I'm Asian so it's okay) +15848,1,What happens when you get a sunburn at the beach? You become Bernie Sanders. +15849,2,"I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?” At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are: \\--I want to become a pilot! \\--And me – a fireman! Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!” The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice: \\--Why so? Little Johnny: “Looks like I will have plenty of business. Mrs. Smith, can you answer the question: three women are walking in the street and eating ice-creams. The first woman is biting it, the second is sucking it and the third is licking it. Who of them do you think is married?” Mrs. Smith, blushing and embarrassed: “…the one licking the ice-cream?” “No, Mrs. Smith, the one with a wedding ring!”" +15850,0,"Researchers A Czech scientist and a Russian scientist travel to an island populated by bears. After a couple of days of observation they decide to go meet a Guy bear and a girl bear in person. Deciding that the Bear couple are not aggressive they continue. A week later the research company decide to check up on the scientists because they haven't heard from them in a while. The company discovers blood trails from the Bears' home and takes both bears down with tranquilizers. After cutting open the Bears the company discovers that the Bears are the scientists. One research worker turns to the other and says, ""so which bear ate which?"" The other replies, ""well the Russian remains were found in the girls stomach."" ""What about the other??"" ""The Czech is in the male.""" +15851,0,I stared into the abyss. It stared back... and said it just wants to be friends. +15852,1,"Doctor, why is .... ? ""Doctor, why is my right bicep bigger than my left?"" ""Shut up you wanker.""" +15853,2,"My friend Dave is a creature of habit He wakes up at the same time, takes the same route to work, has the same breakfast each day, we call him dave ja vu." +15854,4,Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because A-shells are too small. +15855,1,What did Stephen Hawkings say when his computer crashed? Nothing.... +15856,1,"Batman walks into a bar. Bartender: ""What can I get you?"" Batman: ""Just ice.""" +15857,1,"A man walks into a bar... And a gorilla is sitting there with a drink. The man walks over to the bartender and says ""Why the fuck is there a gorilla in your bar?' The bartender replies ""Watch this."" The bartender walks over with an empty bottle and smashes it on the head of the gorilla. The gorilla stands up, lets out a sigh, then gets on his knees and proceeds to give the bartender a blow job. The bartender then yells at the man ""You wanna give this a try?"" The man replies ""Sure, just don't hit me as hard as you hit the gorilla."" " +15858,1,"TIL The Beatles song ""Come Together"" is about a bukkake party they attended ""Come together, right now... over me""" +15859,1,"Dave went to an optician and said, ""I think I need new glasses, these are blurry."" The optician replied, ""If you're going to clean them with your handkerchief, do it before you blow your nose.""" +15860,0,Merry Christmas to everyone who stuides math. Have a mince pi on me +15861,0,Osama Bin Laden has finally been confirmed to be dead... He recently voted as a Democrat in Chicago. +15862,0,With food or responsibly... I don’t duck. +15863,2,"The Alaskan Miner Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are. ""Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights."" Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem. However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager. ""What do you want?"" asks the manager. ""Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but...well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?"" ""Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something."" The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel. The manager says: ""The other miners use this."" ""What?"" ""Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."" Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut--the best damned blow job he's ever gotten. Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable! So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:""What are you doing here?"" ""It's my day off ..."" ""Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel.""" +15864,2,What is the difference between a kleptomaniac and a pervert? One will snatch your watch.... +15865,2,"I was playing scrabble and my dad played the word 'stneve' Needless to say, it was an unexpected turn of events. " +15866,0,My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes… She was fucking fuming when I came back with a wonder bra. +15867,5,I'm 23 years old Truly in my prime +15868,8,"So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich… And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua. It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich. I ask the lady, "" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"" "" Why no, go ahead"", she says, sweetly. So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus. " +15869,2,"A man walks into a bar in Iraq Traveling through the middle east a man walks into a bar. As soon as he sits down, he realizes the entire bar is filled with ISIS soldiers. he nervously orders a drink trying not to draw attention, The head ISIS leader comes over with a knife in his hand. ""You're not from around here are you""? ask the ISIS leader. ""n, no... I'm from America"" the man says. ""are you an American soldier?"" ""actually... I'm a taxidermist."" Says the man. ""What in the world is a taxidermist?"" the leader asks him. ""Well... you know.. I mount animals"" the man replies. A big smile comes over the ISIS leaders face.. ""He's ok fellas... he's one of us!""" +15870,6,"My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, ""your daughter"" wasn't the right answer." +15871,1,"Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson decide to go camping together They set up their tent, go inside and fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up ""Watson, look up and tell me what you see"" Watson replies, ""I see thousands and thousands of stars"" Sherlock then says, ""And what can you conclude from that?"" Watson thinks for a moment and replies, ""Well if there are a thousand stars, there could be stars with planets such as Earth, and therefore life on other---"" Sherlock then interrupts him, ""No Watson, it means somebody stole our tent, you idiot.""" +15872,3,"Light Yagami thought he was going to die on those stairs, but then he woke up the next day... And realized it was just a Near-Death experience." +15873,0,"God is like a programmer that tried writing a code to print out ""Hello World"" Except the code returned, ""Fuck you, you are gay!"". So He decided to torture his laptop in eternal hellfire." +15874,2,I did a nose operation today It snot funny +15875,0,I have a saying in life when it comes to kids Adopt don’t shop +15876,3,"I want to write a show called ""Pun"". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set. It'll be a play on words." +15877,4,"[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear ""I can handle anything you can give me""... Apparently she can't handle disappointment." +15878,4,Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow? He didn't habanero. +15879,0,What do you call an African American judge who can't preside over case due to a conflict of interest? A brown recuse. +15880,1,If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery... You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed. +15881,0,My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess... So I crashed her into a wall +15882,4,"I was in a relationship with Lorraine, but fell in love with Claire Lee. When Lorraine found out, she left me. Then I realized I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone. " +15883,0,What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong. +15884,2,What's gambling like in heaven? It's a pair-a-dice. +15885,5,Someone asked me how dark my humour is Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back +15886,1,What do you call an Indian programmer? Dev +15887,1,"As I'm dropped off at the airport my driver says ""can I help you with those bags?"" I said ""Nah man, I just need some sleep.""" +15888,2,I stopped at a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said.... Once upon a time there was this lobster.... +15889,2,What do you call a bunch of capitalists dying of tuberculosis? Mass consumption +15890,3,I am like Colgate toothpaste when I dance Noticeably White +15891,1,"I think I'm Transgender... ... It's not important, I just felt like Sharon." +15892,4,I have a lot in common with batteries... I'm also never included +15893,0,Customer in a restaurant I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more? +15894,2,I've put the money attracting talisman my gf gave me on the dashboard of my car I had a head-on with an armored bank truck the next day. +15895,3,What’s the difference between a Lima Bean and a Chick Pea? Donald Trump has never had a Lima Bean on his chest. +15896,2,"I had sex with my teacher After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, ""I had sex with my teacher."" She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, ""I had sex with my teacher."" The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, ""No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts. " +15897,1,What do you call it when two hand amputees high five eachother? A stump bump. +15898,1,"I really hate my partners calling me the wrong name during sex. My name is not ""Help"" or ""Get off me"". " +15899,2,What did Skrillex say to his SO on Valentine's day? I wub you. (I'm *so sorry* it's like one in the morning I'm tired.) +15900,2,The leader of ISIS is dead It is now WASWAS +15901,0,"A rabbi comes home and tells his wife ""Honey, I made seven people happy today. I had three couples married."" ""Who's the seventh person?"" asks the wife. ""Do you really think I did it for free?"" says the rabbi." +15902,2,"Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby are chatting... Cosby: Have you ever had a cigar dipped in brandy? Clinton: No, but I once had a cigar dipped in Monica. Cosby: Now, why didn't I think of that..." +15903,3,I got a job interview as an under-water welder.. Interviewer: so how would you describe yourself? Me : well I'd say i work well under pressure +15904,1,"One day, a woman is having abdominal pains. She visits a doctor, fearing that she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes back to the room. He tells her, ""Well, I sure hope you like changing diapers."" Sighing, she says, ""So I assume I'm having a baby?"" ​ ​ ​ ""No...you have bowel cancer.""" +15905,1,"How do you make sourdough bread not sour? You use dill dough... Terrible joke, but it was hilarious because my AP physics teacher told the class this joke years ago. He said ""Want to hear a joke that doesn't make sense, but it's still funny?"" " +15906,1,"Doctor: ""This is exactly what I'm afraid of"" Me: ""What?"" Doctor: ""Skeletons.""" +15907,1,What’s a frog’s favourite website? Reddit. +15908,1,What type of music do wind turbines like? They're big heavy metal fans. +15909,0,"Last week I bought the world's worst thesaurus Not only was it terrible, but it was terrible." +15910,3,We passed a funeral home today having a service at like 9pm... ...I always thought that they were more of a mourning thing. +15911,7,What does the military use acid for? To neutralize the enemy base. +15912,4,"A man walks out of a bar... He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar..." +15913,1,What do you call someone who insults diabetics? Insulint. +15914,0,"The death of Grandpa When I die, I hope I go like my grandfather, quietly in his sleep. ​ Not screaming in terror like everyone else in the car. " +15915,3,"Parents: our baby won’t stop crying! Doctor: how old is he? Parents:one Doctor:is he vaccinated? Parents:no, why? Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis..." +15916,2,How do we know that Adam wasn't a black man? Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man!!?! +15917,0,Why is Xena never charged with any crime? Because she's Lucy Lawless +15918,1,What is inside a man's pants and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before? A key +15919,3,If you spin an Asian man around really really fast... Does he become a disoriental? +15920,2,How can you tell Bach was a starving artist? He was baroque. +15921,3,"A man is walking up and down a beach when he comes across a crying woman with no arms and no legs... He asks the woman, “Why are you crying?” She responds “Well, I’ve never been hugged.” So, he picks her up and hugs her, before continuing down the beach. An hour or so later, he walks by the still crying woman again. He asks her, “Why are you still crying?” She replies, “Well, truth is I’ve never been kissed either.” So the man picks her up and kisses her, before continuing down the beach. Finally on his last trip down the beach he sees the woman again, still crying. He says “I hugged you and kissed you, so why are you still sad?” She shyly responds, “Well, I’ve never been fucked either.” Slowly the man picks her up, and tosses her in the water. “Now you’re fucked.” The man says before continuing down the beach." +15922,5,"Some girls play hard to get Well, not me, I play hard to want." +15923,1,A classics professor goes to a tailor... A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?” +15924,1,Why does Earth bully Mars? Because it has no life. +15925,0,A cop pulled over a Chinese guy for driving alone in the carpool lane He was ticketed for HOV while asian +15926,0,I just got in a 1 vs 10 fight at school!!! +15927,3,"How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce ""unionized""" +15928,4,Me: What kind of dog you got? Him: Husky Me (in a lower voice): What kind of dog you got? +15929,0,What do you call people who like those little Domo Plush toys? The ones with the mouth and the sharp teeth? You call them Dom-asses. +15930,0,What's a liberal's favorite drink? Wine +15931,0,"One armed butlers: They can take it, but they can't dish it out." +15932,1,"Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities, Spending time with her grandson and using the N word." +15933,5,A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back. +15934,0,"In keeping with racist jokes An Australian told me this, but bear in mind, with no ill will intended. The joke goes. How do you stop an aboriginal from drowning? Take your foot off his head. In the spirit of Jimmy Carr. It's funny so Fuck it. " +15935,0,A description of my experience with Carpentry. It was boring. +15936,2,"LifeProTip: If your child wants to help name your pet... ..let them pick the middle name. That way if they pick something silly, you can still refer to your pet by the normal name. For example, my 4 year old's rabbit is now named Peter ""floppy-eared-princess"" Smith Similarly, my 15 year old's gecko is named Freddy ""Fuck-you-this-isn't-a-phase"" Smith" +15937,3,Cancelled The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled. Tickets are non-refundable. +15938,6,What do you call currency in space? Starbucks. +15939,0,"A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain.. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime.. One day she wanted to buy banana.. So She took her husband to the shop.. (dont laugh listen Dirty minds) Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.😶😶😁😀😂" +15940,0,"Did you hear about David Harbour helping his son dress for the prom? He was going through the box with the rental tux, pulling out pieces. He knew what most of the items were, pants, vest, etc., but he got confused about one item that seemed to be nothing more than a long strip of fabric. ""What's this,"" he said, ""a cummerbund?"" His son gave an eye roll and said, ""No, it's a tie, Dad.""" +15941,0,"I was minding my own business, singing in the shower. When my boss appeared and fired me from the bathroom appliances shop." +15942,2,What did my dad say when I wet the bed? Urine trouble. +15943,0,"My wife said she gave up sex for Lent... I said ""I *know!*"" She said, ""No, just with *you*.""" +15944,1,"What's the difference between your mom and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and another's a little lighter." +15945,0,I've always wanted to have a look around the Batcave I'll bet there's a tremendous pile of Bat shit in there. +15946,2,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +15947,1,"Dave was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Adam, walked over and asked, ""What's wrong?"" ""It's my mother-in-law,"" Dave replied, while shaking his head sadly. ""I have a real problem with her."" ""Cheer up,"" Adam said. ""Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."" ""Yeah, sure,"" Dave answered. ""But not everybody gets theirs pregnant!"" " +15948,0,Lotto So went to bed with bankok girls i thought id wom the lottery woke up with 6 matchin balls +15949,3,They call me the microwave... Cause i take it out 2 seconds before i finish. +15950,0,"A man with a wooden eye is at a formal dance. He looks across the lounge and sees lovely young lady but noticed she had a harelip. Noticing she was also alone, he decided to ask her to dance. Strolling across, her gaze meets his and he says, ""Good evening, would you like with me?"" Shocked, she exclaims, ""Would I? Would I?!"" Before she can continue, he cuts her off in disgust. ""Yeah, well you're a harelip!"" and storms off." +15951,2,"Request - can someone explain this joke? > In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'" +15952,0,Why should you never high-five a Roman? They might give you Hi-V back! +15953,0,"Did you know that if Hillary Clinton is elected as the U.S. President, she would be the first president to have ever slept with another president." +15954,4,Blind Girl If a blind girl tells you your manhood is massive… …she’s probably pulling your leg. +15955,0,That snot-nosed computer science major Walks around like he's got a micro chip on his shoulder. +15956,1,What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder? Diableatus. +15957,2,"Obama's no longer President January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: ""I want to see President Obama."" Very patiently the guard says: ""He's not President anymore."" The old man quietly walks away. January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: ""I want to see President Obama."" Same guard says: ""He's not President anymore."" The old man quietly walks away. January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: ""I want to see President Obama."" Angrily the guard says: ""I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."" The old man turns away and quietly says: ""I just like hearing you say it.""" +15958,0,Why did the feminist quit pottery? She got sick of the male glaze. +15959,5,Why are dad jokes so bad? Because the punchline is always apparent +15960,3,How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete? He kept a log. +15961,0,You know how I know we are gonna have sex? I'm stronger than you! +15962,5,"Don't think your husband is cheating on you!! It's not a good... A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: ""excuse me my dear, my stomach aches"", and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got top of her... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: ""You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"" And then switched on the light... ""No madam"", said the gardener. " +15963,0,"Three statisticians are hunting, and come across a large buck. One shoots, but is distracted, and the bullet goes 5 meters to the left. The second one also shoots, but is distracted as well, and the bullet goes 5 meters to the right. The third one excitedly shouts “We got it!”" +15964,1,What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear +15965,1,"Patient: Doctor, im feeling so unnoticed ..... Doc: Next one !" +15966,5,What's a man's most sensitive body part when he's masturbating in the bathroom? His ears +15967,1,Shakespeare loved to play video games... His favorite was Sonnet the hedgehog +15968,0,What do the current London protests and Trumps penis have in common? Donald’s not seen ‘em +15969,1,"What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist? ""I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside""" +15970,0,Four kids come out of the closet... and return from Narnia. +15971,1,Why was scarecrow promoted? He was outstanding in the field. +15972,4,"Marriage is similar to a deck of cards In the beginning you have two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade." +15973,0,I launder my jokes It's good clean fun. +15974,6,"I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me. This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit. I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows. Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my neighbors house. I hoped that he would think his rabbit died of sickness or natural causes. The next evening we were sitting drinking beers and he says to me, ""There are some seriously twisted people out there."" And I said, ""What do you mean by that?"" He told me, ""I had one of my prized rabbits die, so I buried it, and some sick fuck dug it up and put it back in its cage.""" +15975,2,"Blonde Joke A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!" +15976,1,What's a crippled perons favourite band? Limp Bizkit +15977,4,"A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side... He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’" +15978,0,"The Barber's Gratitude A barber wanted to thank his town for making it a better place. One day, the florist comes in to get a haircut. When he asks how much he owes the barber, the barber says, ""You don't owe me a thing. Your beautiful flowers light up this entire town."" The next morning, he finds a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card at his shop's door step. Later that day, the local policeman comes in. When attempts to pay the barber, he says, ""Hold on to your money. You risk your life every day to keep this place safe."" The next morning, he finds a thank you note and an honorary policeman badge. A few days later, the Republican Leader of the Chamber of Commerce comes in. When he asks how much it'll cost, the barber tells him, ""It won't cost a thing. I appreciate what you've done to make our country better."" The next morning, he finds another thank you card and a certificate of appreciation. The following day, the Democratic Leader of the Chamber of Commerce comes in. Like the Republican leader, the barber tells him that he appreciates what he's done, and to not worry about paying. The next day, he finds twelve more Democrats at the door." +15979,2,"A massive cage fighter goes into a crowded bar and sits down. After finishing his first beer he stands up and shouts “all you on the left side of the bar are assholes, anyone got a problem with that?” The room remains silent and the cage fighter sits back down and orders another beer. When he finishes his second beer he stands again and shouts “all you on the right side of the bar are mother fuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” Then a guy in the left side of the bar stands up and the cage fighter shouts, “you got a problem asshole??!!” To which the guy replies, “no no, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar...”" +15980,4,What do ninjas drink? WATAH!!! +15981,0,Yo mama so fat The hulk couldn't even lift her up +15982,2,What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad? The boomerang came back +15983,2,"Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul. " +15984,0,"What to say to someone who has a lot of problems ""issues"" You have more issues than *The Watchtower* *Note: The Watchtower is a magazine with the most published issues" +15985,0,I hear the capital of Sweden really sucks.... But no one can leave. +15986,3,Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets ? To run his hands through his hair. +15987,3,"Peanuts in the ear One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?” The father replied “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”" +15988,0,My first joke :D trump. +15989,0,Dont forget to watch the season finale in November.... The season finale of America comes out in November!! +15990,0,I hate nickles... They're quarter impersonators. +15991,3,I've decided to delete my Twitter. I keep feeling that people are following me. +15992,0,"How to tell the difference between a cucumber and a sea cucumber You ask it, and if you drown, it's a sea cucumber. If you don't, you're talking to a vegetable. " +15993,4,What did Pythagorus use to kill himself? A hypotenoose. +15994,1,"An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a kitchen sink. Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.....'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.¤" +15995,0,How do you make a green house? Green paint. Also greenhouse +15996,0,Russia may have started the Winter War in 1939... But they certainly weren't the ones to Finnish it. +15997,1,She tried to cut my penis off but instead stabbed my leg She was charged with misdawiener +15998,5,"An engineer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks and looks but cannot find his name in the book, so tells him he must go to the other place. When he arrives Lucifer is giving him the grand tour. The engineer tells him that all this heat will not do and he knows how to fix it. First he builds an icemaker so they can have cold drinks. Then he builds an A/C system to bring the ambient air temperature down to comfortable levels. Meanwhile God notices what's going on and decides to do something about it. He tells Lucifer that there was a clerical error and the engineer is supposed to be in Heaven. Lucifer tells God that they like this new guy and they are going to keep him. God tells Lucifer that he will sue to get him back. Lucifer starts laughing and God asks him, ""What's so funny?"". Lucifer replies, ""Where are you going to get a lawyer?""." +15999,0,Cop- whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner - Mine +16000,1,I shot my kids at the park earlier The photos came out really well on my new phone. +16001,1,"[OC] Are you a student loan? Cause I didn’t want to take you out and even though you’ve grown on me, I can’t imagine my life without you. " +16002,3,If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made. I'd probably get robbed by a black guy. +16003,1,"Teacher: ""If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"" Teacher: ""If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"" Peter: ""Seven."" Teacher: ""No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"" Peter: ""Seven."" Teacher: ""Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"" Peter: ""Six."" Teacher: ""Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"" Peter: ""Seven!"" Teacher: ""Peter, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"" Peter: Because I've already got a freaking cat!""" +16004,1,"A blanket walks into a bar... the bouncer stops him at the door and says ""sir, you have to pay a cover charge to get in.""" +16005,0,What do you call an only child in Alabama? An incel. +16006,5,"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: ""Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what ""Food"" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what ""Honest"" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what ""Shortage"" meant. In China they didn't know what ""Opinion"" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what ""Solution"" meant. In South America they didn't know what ""Please"" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what ""The rest of the world"" meant" +16007,1,"r/Jokes is the perfect sub It fits perfectly with the name of the site, when you see a joke, you've already reddit half the time." +16008,0,"Wife Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight." +16009,3,"A high school student approached a group of popular kids during lunch time. ""May I join you?"" he asked politely. ""We don't sit with idiots."" they said. ""But I do."" he replied as he gestured them to scoot over. " +16010,1,Why kind of motorcycles do cows ride? Mooooootorcycles! +16011,2,Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead. +16012,1,"An amnesiac walks into a hospitality He shakes the doctors hand and says, “Doctor Doctor I think I’m an..” “Amnesiac?” interrupts the doctor. “However did you know?” “You’ve been shaking my hand for the past ten minutes" +16013,0,"I remember Trick or Treating and instead of candy, this couple gave me a wrapped brownie they made. When I showed my mother the brownie said took it saying, ""never eat hand made candy from strangers, it could be laced with weed!"" Then she ate my brownie." +16014,1,Which animal... Which is the only animal that have an asshole on his back? ---- The police horse +16015,0,"A man is in the middle of telling a joke on a late night when suddenly he drifts to sleep, his head slamming on the keyboard. fihaidfpuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus" +16016,0,"I asked a girl, ""Where do you stay?"" She: WAAYY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. " +16017,0,Homeless man How do you circumcise a homeless man? Kick your mum in the chin +16018,4,American politics is like a penguin. It has both a left wing and a right wing. But are only good for flapping and making noises. +16019,3,If I had a 25 cents every time I failed my math test I'd have $3.82 +16020,9,"An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned. At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it. ""How is that possible?"" said the officer. ""That wall was solid concrete!"" The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, ""He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."" The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes. The warden declared, ""According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."" Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. ""After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed."" The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled. ""It appears,"" the warden said, ""that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall. PS: My math professor told me this joke last year, I was reminded of it by yesterday's top post. EDIT: Holy shit, my #1 post! Thanks for the upboats. Also send nudes." +16021,2,"Crumpled Crumpled up Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up? ​ ""No"" said her husband. ​ She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. ​ He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. ​ She then asked ""Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"" ​ ""No I haven't"" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. ​ She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. ​ He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. ​ ""Now"" she said ""Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"" ​ ""No way"" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: ​ ""Go look in the garage."" " +16022,0,Homosexual asked me for directions Told him to go straight. +16023,1,Why did Jack and Jill break up after reaching the top of the hill? It was all down hill from there. +16024,0,My sister was gangraped by the New York Philharmonic It was orchestrated. +16025,2,What do you call a Chinese who is always on time? Tai Mingh +16026,1,What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18? The crack of dawn. +16027,1,What weighs more between 20lbs of feathers or 20lbs of bricks? ​ ​ 20lbs of feathers because you have to carry around the weight of what you did to all those poor birds. +16028,6,"A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados, $3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean. " +16029,0,Perhaps 3 of Schroedinger's cats walk into a bar. Or did they? +16030,6,"An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.... An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ""Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."" The doctor was shocked! ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, none of us could get the jar open.""" +16031,1,A man wanted me to engage in necrophilia... NSFW I told him to drop dead +16032,5,"A girl I've been trying to see finally called me and said ""come over, no one's home"" I went over there... no one was home." +16033,1,"The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw] The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock. The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief moment the lion said: ""Today is a day of great joy for I became father and my legacy will continue on. To celebrate this day I will arrange a big feast. But it is up to you my loyal subjects to bring the food for the feast. Furthermore I command you to only bring me meat - for I am no puny vegetarian. The ones who won't obey my command shall face a gruesome punishment. These traitors I will batter with my boner."" After these words panic spread amongst the animals. For the lion was known for his enourmous tally whacker. And so the animals ran away in desperate search for food, they could offer their king. The day of the big feast arrived and the animals cued in line to present the king their offerings. First in line was the cheetah, which brought a leg of gazelle. The next one was the cougar, which brought a rack of lamb. Both got a pad on the back and joined the feast. Then the bunny approached the lion with a basket of berries. The lion looked at the bunny disappointed and said: ""I only asked for meat. So why you bring my berries?!"" ""I am just a little bunny and not fit for the hunt."" The little bunny replied. ""I See."" Said the lion furiosly ""Now you shall feel my wrath!"" The lion rose up and enrolled his humongeous meat snake. He than started pounding the little bunny with his pink helmed love warrior. The bunny cried in agony but than his screams turned into a manic laughter. ""What is so funny little bunny?!"" The lion asked. ""There comes the hedgehog."" Replied the bunny ""And he is bringing mushrooms.""" +16034,3,"What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people." +16035,4,"Bless us, oh Lord... An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. ""What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!"" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. ""OH MY GOD! ..."" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around... ""YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"" Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, ""It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"" ""VERY WELL."" Said God. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: ""Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."" " +16036,0,Why do weak acids and bases go to the gym? To get buffer +16037,0,What is another way to call a seagull? Mermaid. +16038,4,My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber! +16039,2,"A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store, A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, ""What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, ""Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?""" +16040,0,"Five eggs a day (note: this joke was translated to english from another language) A man owns a hen house with 12 hens. Every day, his hens would only lay an egg each. Fed up, the man goes in and strangles his oldest hen, number 12, right in front of the others, then puts in a new one. ""From now on, you will lay five eggs a day, or die!"" The man leaves, and comes back the next day. He checks under every hen. Each is sitting on five eggs. He checks on the last one, sitting in nest number 12. *Two eggs.* The man grabs the hen and grips its neck. An egg pops out, and the hen screams ""WAIT, WAIT! I'M NOT A HEN, I'M A ROOSTER!""" +16041,1,What do you call a terrorist group in the North Pole? ICEIS +16042,7,"A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”" +16043,2,Why don’t vampires have any friends Because they are a pain in the neck +16044,3,"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two: one to get it 95% done, and the second to give it the twist at the end. " +16045,1,"Apparently, anything Stephen Hawking reads is considered a ""short story"" Since he can read it in one sitting" +16046,0,"i'm the human version of samwise gamgee, can't destroy the ring but make sure it gets home so someone else can" +16047,0,When do diabetics die? When it's the sweetest. +16048,8,Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Me: Yes I could +16049,5,How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the shit out of the room for being black. +16050,1,"Little Tommy And The Party of Foul Little Tommy's parents are throwing a meet-n-greet for their new neighbours, so they're preparing for their arrival. Problem is, they didn't plan ahead properly and are faced with less time than they thought they had before it starts; Tommy walks in on his parents in an argument, upon which he hears: FATHER: ""You bitch!"" MOTHER: ""You're a bastard!"" TOMMY: ""What do those words mean?"" The parents, flustered that Tommy heard that, wave it off by explaining that ""bitches and bastards"" really means ""ladies and gentlemen"". Just then, the mail arrives through the letterbox and lands on the welcome mat. The father goes to examine them and is angry because they're all bills again. ""Ah shit!"" he is heard to cry. TOMMY: ""What does shit mean?"" FATHER: ""Uh, doormat! Yes, it means doormat."" He then excuses himself, for it is time to get ready for the party. Tommy follows him to the bathroom, where his father has started to shave. He accidentally cuts himself with his blunt razor and yells out ""Bollocks!"" TOMMY: ""What is bollocks?"" FATHER: ""Go away, it means chin."" So Tommy returns to the kitchen where he finds his mother cutting up a cooked turkey for the party food. Unfortunately, she did not notice the placement of her knife and knocked it off the table. MOTHER: ""Fucking hell."" TOMMY: ""What does fucking mean?"" MOTHER: ""Never you mind, it means cutting. That's all."" The guests finally arrive and guess who answers the door? Also guess who is ready to impress the guests with his new vocabulary? TOMMY: ""Why hello all you bitches and bastards. Please wipe your feet on our shit. My dad will be here in a minute, he's shaving his bollocks, and my mum is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.""" +16051,0,"History of USSR briefly Under Lenin, it was like in a tunnel. it's dark all around, the light is ahead. Under Stalin, it was like a bus. One leads, half sit, the rest tremble. Under Khrushchev, it was like in a circus. One says everyone laughs. Under Brezhnev, it was like a movie theatre. Everyone is waiting for the end of the film. " +16052,0,Our top story tonight... Generalisimo Francisco Franco is still dead... +16053,2,What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips +16054,0,New Stephen King book! I hear that Stephen King is writing a new book dealing with the horrors of cat ownership. It's called Pffffffffft! +16055,1,Did you hear about when Eminem married an Indian woman? They had a Slim Shaadi +16056,0,"A girl and her sniper rifle I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot. Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic, old-time sniper from back in the WWII era. Beautiful old thing. She learned to fire it at age 12, could hit targets at 100 meters by age 15. She ended up entering some sharpshooting competition around the area. This one competition was particularly important to her because it was sponsored by a soda company. The prize was a year’s supply of any soda the winner wanted. Of course, my friend entered for that delicious lemon-lime goodness. So she hefted her trusty old sniper over to the field. There were 16 contestants so the competition was a single-elimination bracket. The rules were simple. Stand behind the line, aim and fire. If you hit it, the target got pushed back a few meters. If you miss and the other guy hits it, you’re out. Well my friend easily blew most of the competitors out of the water. Punks couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. She completely cleared out her side of the bracket with almost no competition. It came down to the final round. She was up against Jackson. At 6 foot 6, this guy was an intimidating foe. Even with those catcher’s glove-sized hands he still wielded his rifle with the grace of a ballerina. Completely wiped out his side of the bracket. It was getting tense. He fired off first. 50 meters. Easy. Her next. 50 meters. Easy. And then him. 100 meters. Easy. Her. 100 meters. Easy. 150. Harder. 200. Harder. 300. Barely made it. But it came down to the wire. Two bottles, 400 meters down the field. Jackson stepped up first, sweat dripping down his face. He fired. BANG. CRACK. The bullet nicked the side, shattering the target. But you could see the Jackson’s nervousness. It was clear that he would not be able to hit the next target. It was up to Sierra now. She was sweating buckets. It all came down to this. If she could tap that glass even slightly, she’d be looking at a year’s supply of her favorite soft drink. She lined up her shot. Stared down the sights. The audience looked on in anticipation. Her lemon-lime drinks were on the line. This was all she needed. BANG. . . . Nothing. Her soda was gone. Sierra missed." +16057,1,Guy eating alone. Short version. Sees beautiful girl. She sneezes. Her glass comes out. He catches the glass eye. Things go well. He asks if she’s this nice to everyone. She says -“No. You just caught my eye.” This joke is not funny anymore. Thanks. +16058,4,Why is ‘Dark’ spelled with a k and not a c? Because you can’t see in the dark. +16059,0,"The male gypsy moth and the female gypsy moth can smell each other from a mile away... This fact is also true, if you remove the word “moth”" +16060,3,"The Flintstones One day pebbles took a shower with Fred and Wilma. Her curiosity lead her to ask questions Pebbles: Mama what's that between your legs? Wilma: oh honey that's mommy's rock cutter. Pebbles: Dada what's the between your legs? Fred: oh sweetie that's my rock. Pebbles: oh I get it, when daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock cutter out comes Pebbles!" +16061,4,"My wife just left me, screaming, ""ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"" I'm all shook up…" +16062,0,"I went to a new restaurant with a mortuary next door, everything was locally sourced. Arm to table, you might say" +16063,0,I hate the sound of gears moving against each other. It really grinds my gears. +16064,2,For Halloween I'm going to dress my dog up as a famous pope. I was thinking Pope John Paw. +16065,2,"Why is drinking alcohol gay? Because when you are drunk, you can’t think straight." +16066,4,"If Donald Trump had really wanted Hillary Clinton locked up, he should have just… …given her a job on his campaign team…" +16067,3,"Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army hoping it would increase his confidence, but guess what they used to call him all through out boot camp? Matters only worsened later in his life. He could never get past the first date, no woman wanted someone with that name. Mockery turned to loneliness, loneliness to depression. Depressed through his twenties, he realised that unless he makes a change, nothing will ever come his way no matter how hard he tries. So, at the ripe age of 30 he decided to start over, get another chance at life, so he legally changed his name to Andrew." +16068,6,Why didn't Barbie get pregnant? Ken came in another box +16069,2,"Everybody laughed at me when I told them I was going to be a comedian. I thought,""Well,that's not bad for a start.""" +16070,4,Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only. +16071,2,"You probably already know this one One man was in an airplane and when they started ""flying"" the pilot turned on the Mic to say the usual:""we are (some number) feet above the ground"". But then he forgot to turn the Mic off and he says to the co-pilot while everyone is listening:""God! Right now, all I want is a coffee and a good blowjob"". Thus, obviously, a super hot flight attendant goes running to tell the pilot the microphone is on, then, some guy screams:""YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE!!!""" +16072,0,"A Young Couple are Going to have a Baby.... This happened quite a while ago, late 70's. 1978 or '79, I think. Anyway, some backstory. They had recently married after a whirlwind romance. Jack had just graduated as a Navy Seal, Lucy worked part time as a teacher's aide at the local grade school. They were quite young, in their early 20s, just starting out. Her doctor had told her about a new experimental procedure where the pain of childbirth can be shared with the father. By taking part in the study, she would be eligible for a $2500 payment. She had discussed this with her husband and they decided that this would be something that they wanted to do. The money would really help them out - $2500 was a huge amount of money back then. They signed a binding contract. Time passed - too slowly for her, the summer was a brutally hot one. But one sultry August evening the heavens opened. This is when the the baby decided it was time. The doctor was called, and Jack grabbed the bag they had packed ready, got her into the VW Bug, and drove through the torrential rain to the hospital. At the hospital, Lucy and Jack were checked into the same room, and they were both hooked up to various machines to monitor their's and their baby's vital signs. There were the usual nurses and doctors bustling about, but also a couple of suits. Jack enquired of the doctor as to who they were, and was told that they represented the Company who were funding the study. He didn't think anything more about it, they were just sat there quietly reading through some files. The contractions had begun, Lucy was in increasing discomfort. A new machine was brought in. This one didn't look like your typical hospital machinery. It was about a meter cube, entirely smooth, except for an antenna protruding from either side and on the front it had three VU meters, a score or more buttons, several dozen blinking lights, and two rather large bakelite knobs that looked like they had been scrounged off another project. It was all labelled using a cyrillic script. Straight out of a mad scientist's lab. The husband read Russian, but couldn't make any sense of the labels. He paid it no heed. The doctor came back in and clapped his hands together. 'Wonderful, are you ready?' he asked the husband. 'We are going to start with just 5% of the pain being transferred to you, let me know if you cannot handle it, yes?' 'How does it work?' asked the husband. 'Well,' he said airily, waving his arms around a bit, ' the antenna over on your wife's side picks up the pain she is feeling, it is fed into the Machine and it is put through various complex scientific processes and Fourier Transforms, which you will see registered through these three meters here, and then the pain is beamed directly into your brain via this antenna on this side here.' He looked at the husband. '...OK. I'm not entirely convinced you understand the sciencing behind this, but Lucy is convinced you're a great doctor, so, let's do this.' 'I can give you the peer reviewed article if you like. You're right, this is more neurosciencing than OB/GYNing. Fascinating, though. Shall we?' 'It's what I signed up for,' said the husband, somewhat nervously. The doctor turned on the power and a distinct hum could be heard. Dials were turned, buttons were pushed and lights started to blink. 'I'm not feeling anything, yet. Is it working? Lucy seems to be in some distress.' One of the nurses had been tending to the wife and came over to the doctor. It was apparent that things were not all well. The doctor looked at the suits. They huddled over into a corner and kept nervously looking over at the husband. The doctor came back over and spoke with the parents to be. 'There is a problem. Your child is going to have to be born via a caesarean section. The Company will of course cover the costs. However, we do not know how the pain transfer procedure will work, you will truly be trailblazers. Because of this, we will double the fee. I have to remind you of the binding contract, you have to go through with this either way. We are still at 5% so hopefully, it won't be too bad.' They were wheeled into the OR, the husband now quite pale but putting on a brave face for his wife. The wife was sedated, the doctor said that during the normal process they liked to have the father conscious so he could give feedback on how much of the pain he could take. The husband agreed. He was, after all, a Navy Seal. The only bad day was yesterday, right? The operation began. The OR was rather crowded, all the equipment and personnel necessary to perform a C-Section, along with an extra table for the husband, the nurse taking care of him, this rather ominous-looking machine, and the two suits. About 10 minutes in, Jack said he couldn't feel any pain, he was a Navy Seal and so had a high tolerance and that they should turn it up to 20%. The technician looked to the doctor, who looked to the suits, who nodded in unison. The hum deepened in intensity. Jack gritted his teeth and thought he felt a twinge. He cried out, '40%' and after that series of looks and nods the hum intensified again. Jack didn't feel anything different this time. 'I'm not sure it's working,' said Jack. One of the team who was monitoring the Machine said that the readings were not making any sense. The consensus was that because Lucy was under sedation, she was unable to feel the pain and so it was therefore not being transferred. The C-Section took longer and was a little more complicated than usual, the details of which are irrelevant. Suffice to say, about 2 hours later, at 8:48pm, a healthy bouncing baby boy was brought forth into the world. The husband called his mom on the other side of the country, to let her know the happy news, and she promised to let his extended family know, then he called Lucy's dad, ex-Navy, they got on really well, and he explained about the whole procedure. They had a good long chat, and Lucy's dad promised to let the family know the good news. Lucy had lost quite a lot of blood, and received 3 units during the operation. They kept her in for a couple of days, and she made a rapid recovery. The happy family went home on the 4th day, entirely focused on the baby and all that entails...a name...diapers...barf...no sleep...breast feeding woes...diapers...no sleep...barf...diapers... It really wasn't until a couple of days later, when the thought occurred that they hadnt received a single 'congratulations on the new rugrat' card in the mail. Jack was reading the obituaries in the local newspaper that evening, and he noticed that their mailman had died on the same day that their son had been born. 'That explains why didn't get any mail. Shame, I kinda liked Mick.' He decided he would go to the post office to pick up the mail tomorrow." +16073,1,"In a tundra, a man was trying to shelter himself from the weather It was hurting like hail." +16074,0,Pinocchio messed up Pinocchio’s girlfriend is riding his and he said “ the sky is green”. He gets bigger and she moans “fuck yes daddy” she then asks him “what’s 2+2” he says “5” and gets even bigger and that’s made her go crazy. She then said “I love you daddy” to which he replies “ I love you too” and she feels him get even bigger. +16075,2,My pet mouse Elvis died today He got caught in a trap. +16076,4,What do you call a man who cries when he masturbates? A tear jerker +16077,2,How do you make jokes about giving birth funny? It's all in the delivery +16078,2,Sam got thrown out a Strip club for using monopoly money. Sam's logic - Why I should pay real money to see fake boobs. +16079,1,"Little Andrew’s Penis One day little Sarah came home from kindergarten and says to her mom Sarah: Mommy...Andrew’s penis is like a peanut. Mom: (a little shocked but keeping her composure) why Sarah? Is it because it’s really small? Sarah: No, it’s like a peanut cause it tastes salty...." +16080,1,I went to the store to buy some socks.. I had gotten a pair a really liked a few weeks back. I looked all over and could not find them. I did not know the sock market could change so much. +16081,1,Whats the difference between a hippie and a mutual fund. Eventually a mutual fund matures and gains profit +16082,4,I’m so glad Doctor Who is back. It’s about time. +16083,0,I have 3 words to say and that's it I hate stupid people +16084,2,"I just watched a movie about graphs, and I was really disappointed. The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible." +16085,3,What kind of doors to wizards use? Gryffindoors +16086,0,"New Year, Old Problems It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?” “Yes,” she says testily, “you did.” “Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”" +16087,1,What do you call a leftover rabbi? Resi-jew. +16088,0,My math teacher told be a terrible joke. It really squarerooted my negative ones. +16089,5,What do Kim Kardashian and a police siren have in common? They get turned on when black guys are around. +16090,6,"Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said ""The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes.""" +16091,0,What do you call an Oompa Loompa on her period? A blood orange. +16092,4,Kids in the back of a car cause accidents But accidents in the back of a car causes kids +16093,1,My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole. I didn’t know she hated my beard that much. +16094,1,You know what they say about people with big feet... You could easily get a part-time job as a clown +16095,4,"A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding... The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him. He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?” She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no more than 5’ tall and 90 lbs. and had to be 90 years old. “Ma’am, may I ask what type of firearm you have?” “Well yes sir,” she replies, “I’ve got a 9mm in my purse, and I keep a .45 in the center console here, and I’ve also got a magnum in the glove compartment.” The officer is taken back a little, “Is that it?” He asks half kidding. “Well no, I do have a pistol grip shot gun in the trunk as well.” The officer is really raising his eye brows at this point, and he asks, “Ma’am, what are you afraid of?” The little old lady replies, “Not a fucking thing.”" +16096,2,"If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan. And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat." +16097,1,"A virgin walks into a brothel... He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out. The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues. Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience. Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up. ""Miss, are you sick?"" ""No, but the last guy was.""" +16098,3,9/10 people are Dumb It’s great to be the 1% +16099,2,Don't let your kids watch symphony They have too much sax and violins. +16100,4,"A man and his wife are on a cruise The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts. -A 100$ to the man that can save my wife! Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woman behind him. -Here's your wife. Now give me my 100$! -That's not my wife, that's my mother-in-law! -Shit... So how much do I owe you? " +16101,3,"Did you hear about the old woman named able? Every time someone insulted her, she broke their legs. Thats how everyone learned not to diss able" +16102,0,"What do you call the leader of the Cravings Tribe? The ""Hanker""chief" +16103,0,"A guy REALLY hates his neighbour One day the guy finds a lamp he rubs it and *POOF* a genie comes out of it, the genie says ""I'll grant you any wish you want but I'll give your neighbour double of whatever you wish for"", the guy thinks for a long time then says "" Gauge out one of my eyes"" " +16104,0,It didn't surprise me when I found out Louis C.K. masturbated in front of women. His name is literally the word “F U C K” except half of it’s missing and replaced with Louis +16105,3,My girlfriend and I caught each other cheating at the same time. I was into prostitutes and she was into prostitution. +16106,1,What if we strap tiny C4 to rats and send them over to Europe... it would start an all new Boombonic plague. +16107,3,"A blonde girl is making out with her boyfriend... ...after a while she backs off and says ""I have a great idea! Why don't we play hide and seek?"" Her boyfriend shrugs. ""Sounds a bit childish. Why would we do that?"" She says ""Because, if you find me...I'll give you a blowjob."" ""And what if I can't find you?"" ""Oh, I'll be behind the couch.""" +16108,0,[true story] i got more pictures taken by the traffic surveillance camera than my selfie in the past year and i have to admit their technique is better +16109,0,What do you get when you cross a shih tzu with a bulldog? A bullshit. +16110,1,A compliment on someone’s intelligence... ‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’ +16111,6,"In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep... At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them: ""The KGB is listening to everything here!"" Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the room three cups of coffee exactly five minutes later. He returns, leans to the ashtray and says: ""Comrade Major! Three cups of coffee to our room, please!” The attendant brings coffee. Stunned neighbors go to bed. In the morning the joker wakes up alone. He asks the attendant where his neighbors are. She replies: ""At night, the KGB swooped in and took them!” “And they did not take me? Why?” “Comrade Major said he liked your ashtray joke.” " +16112,0,"A man walks into a bar.. He says, ""Shit, I really need to look where I'm going.""" +16113,1,How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it +16114,2,NSFW What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute One says cockadoodledoo the other says Anycockwilldo +16115,1,Why cant a bicycle stand on its own? They are two tired +16116,1,Fire fighters throw the best parties. They’ve got a lot of hose with smoking hot bodies. +16117,2,A man walked into a bar... And became a successful lawyer. +16118,0,TIL that soldiers in Vietnam ate small amounts of C4 plastic explosive to get high. No wonder the US defense budget blew up so quickly. +16119,0,"Two guys are playing poker in Westeros... The stakes keep getting higher and higher until one man runs out of money, so he bets his daughter as a slave as a way to increase the pot. Well, the other guy saw he had a Royal straight if the next card was a Queen of Spades, so he quickly ran outside and found the first prostitute he could find. He asked her to come with him but she said, “Uh ah, if you want my time, you’ve got to buy me, honey.” So he pays her for her time and they run back inside and he places his bet. Sure enough, after making a risky bet, the Queen of Spades is flipped over and he wins the pot! It just goes to show you... “If you want a whore, buy her. If you want a queen, earn her”" +16120,1,"I believe people who perform circumcision make pretty good money. At least I've heard they have a ""tips"" jar." +16121,3,"Don't Mess With Your Wife After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ""Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. ""Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."" My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. " +16122,0,What bird gives the best head? +16123,0,"An Irish man walks out of a bar... You never know, it might actually happen someday!" +16124,0,"Carrie Fisher dead at 60 On the plus side, Kylo Ren now has all the qualifications to be a super hero." +16125,1,"Did you hear about the screenwriter who was so distracted from working on a screenplay in his head, he stepped into a crosswalk and got hit by a hit-and-run driver? Another victim of a cross site scripting attack." +16126,3,I like my women like I like my wine... 7 years old and locked up in a cellar +16127,1,"For the past couple of years, I have been saying that the only holidays worth celebrating are the equinoxes and the solstices. I find all of the others to be astronomically unimportant." +16128,2,My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl. I thought she'd be easier to flush than that. +16129,1,Why did the Spanish train aficionado blow up his trains? He had loco motives. +16130,0,"Observation: hurricanes lately have hit places that fit their names (Maria/Jose - Spanish speaking Caribbean. Irma - retiree Florida. Harvey - Texas) Conclusion: name all hurricanes ""Santa Claus""" +16131,0,"A desperate hooker and an old man. An old man is sitting on a bench reading an old newspaper when a hooker approaches him: ""Hey old man, business is going bad and my boss is going to be real mad if I don't give him something by the end of the day so...how about we go to a more private place and I'll do you a service?"" ""Oh young lady, I'm really sorry but I..."" ""Oh don't worry about that, I can pump some energy back at that ancient stick"" ""No, you don't understand, I don't..."" ""You don't have any power left? Don't worry, that thing is gonna stand up like it never did before, believe me, I know what I'm doing, now come with me and shut up."" She grabs him by the hand and takes him to somewhere more private. She starts unzipping the old man pants and starts with her service. The hooker and the old man were going strong and when they finish, the hooker tells surprised. ""Jesus, you're old but god damn, you have a modern truck down there...and you wanted to say you didn't have any power left, uh? Uff, I'm breathless."" ""No no no. You don't understand...I don't have any money!. " +16132,3,"Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. ""Which part did you get?"" " +16133,1,What do you call a Transgender woman An ex-man +16134,0,What do you call a long vegetable that flies in a V? asparagoose +16135,0,What sound do Japanese phones make? Wing Wing +16136,9,"SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.” The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"" ""Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, ""but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.” He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: ""1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: ""What was the 1-2-3 for?” And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle." +16137,1,My friend told me yesterday that if you eat cow feces you grow an immunity to cancer But that's bull shit +16138,1,"Dad, I'm worried that... Daughter: ""Dad, I'm worried that you may have some kinda obsessive compulsive disorder with all these dad-jokes and you cannot hold a conversation for long. I talked to mom and she agrees and we've already called a psychiatrist."" Dad: Hey, ""Worried that you may have some kinda obsessive compulsive disorder with all these dad-jokes and you cannot hold a conversation for long. I talked to mom and she agrees and we've already called a psychiatrist."", I'm dad." +16139,0,"Overheard in the deep south: ""Mommy, why does the mall have white stuff all over the place at this time of year?"" ""That's because Jesus is coming, dear."" " +16140,0,Two pyromaniacs fight each other..... It was totally lit. +16141,10,"I dated a dentist a while back, She had the whitest teeth I ever came across." +16142,4,I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today. Turns out it was a Miss Steak. +16143,3,"Why are ships' portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face. " +16144,0,"/nsfw I've been working on the rail road Ah da rive rong day Sorry, I know that's bad and I had no clue how to do the nsfw tag" +16145,0,What headline should people have used for 9/11? Kaboom with a view! +16146,3,"By disrespecting Steve Irwin, PETA has done something many have failed to do Unite us all as a species " +16147,0,What’s an African’s favorite type of tea? Poverty. +16148,1,Woman are like pools The cost to mantain them is way more than the time you spend in them +16149,1,What do wounded alligators drink? Gatorade +16150,3,I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. +16151,10,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk." +16152,0,I once tried to kill myself to get out of an exam but the professor wouldn't excuse me because I forgot my suicide note. +16153,2,E is the most commonly used letter. I was shocked +16154,0,"If I have 300 chocolate bars and Tyrone steals 295 of them, what does Tyrone now have? Diabetes, Tyrone has Diabetes." +16155,0,what did the dog say to the tree? bark +16156,0,"Confession A guy comes to a Priest: - Father, I've sinned. - What is it, my son? - I scammed a Jew - That's not a sin, son. - No? - It's a miracle." +16157,5,"A man made a bet at a bar... A man made a bet at a bar that he could touch a fur and then tell what animal it was and how it was killed. For every one he got right he would get a beer. the bartender blindfolded him and handed him a fur. - Elk, shot with a remmington rifle. the bartender handed him another fur. - fox, shot with a shotgun. it continued on like this until the bar closed and the man went home. the next day he wakes up and notices that he has a black eye. He asks his wife where he could have gotten it from. - i got pretty drunk last night but i dont remember getting into a fight. - I gave you that black eye sweetie, because when you came home you put your hand in my pants and said: skunk, split with an axe" +16158,1,What's a chemists favourite thing to do at Christmas? Decorate his chemistree. +16159,4,My wife has been keeping secrets from me. I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done. +16160,0,Why does the broom always win in competitions? it usually ends up sweeping the floor wherever it goes. +16161,10,"Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, ""First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. ""I don't have a clue!!!"" the Rabbi said. ""First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."" ""And then what?"" asked a woman. ""Who knows!!"" said the Rabbi. ""He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!""" +16162,4,"A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, ""Why do you look so excited?"" The groom replies, ""I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."" The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, ""Why do you look so excited?"" The bride replies, ""I just gave the last blow job of my entire life.""" +16163,1,"Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied "" you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop..."". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says ""im undercover"" " +16164,3,Did you know? That there are enough bones in your body to make up a skeleton. +16165,0,Where do Muslims go after they die? Everywhere. +16166,2,A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime... Because they de-liver for free. +16167,1,You want to play a game of death? Just roll the die. +16168,0,New trendy product Did you hear about the new self-propelled Frisbees? They are just flying off the shelves! +16169,2,"A monk dies and goes to heaven... He wakes up confused with an angel standing over him. The monk exclaims ""What! Where am I?"" ""You are in heaven now my brother"" The angel proudly states, then upon seeing that the monk seemed upset, asked ""Is there anything wrong?"" ""I can't believe this... can you take me to see god?"" the monk replies appearing even more flabbergasted. Confused now too, the angel says ""Yes of course, follow me!"" The angel leads the monk to a big white door and after requesting for an audience, a mighty voice from within beckoned the monk in. Upon seeing the radiant figure on the throne the monk falls onto his knees, too shocked to stand, and after awhile finally exclaims ""I can't believe it's not buddha!""" +16170,0,What did seans dad call him when he told a corny joke? Pickle +16171,4,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. ""Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."" Watson replied, ""I see millions and millions of stars."" ""What does that tell you?"" Watson pondered for a minute. ""Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. ""It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."" " +16172,2,"Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? \\- Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all. " +16173,0,I mustache you a question... but I'll shave it for later +16174,0,"What does the teenager's mother said, when she saw his cum box? - Oh jeez." +16175,2,Whats scarier than seeing a spider in the shower? Not seeing the spider in the shower. +16176,1,What do cunnilingus and a Congressional hearing have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. +16177,0,What dating website do lumberjacks use? Timber +16178,2,I started a new diet; I eat fish for breakfast. My wife doesn't like me talking about it. +16179,1,Today I overheard a group of funeral directors bragging about their cars. Mostly they were arguing about who has the most hearse power. +16180,3,"If you masturbate while you're asleep, Does that make you a slumberjack?" +16181,2,Stuck up people are the worst They always whine and cry when you are taking their money. +16182,2,"Why do hurricanes have female names? Because if they had male names, they'd be himmicanes.* *This joke only good before 1979" +16183,0,"A man has just lost almost everything he owns in a casino. He’s at the roulette wheel and down to his last chip... Suddenly he hears a voice from behind him, “Put it on 6” says the voice in strange harmonics. The man looks around and sees that it’s Satan. Not really sure if he should trust the father of lies but with next to nothing left to lose he puts his last $25 chip down on 6 The croupier spins the wheel and sure enough the ball lands on 6. The man is confused but delighted. He has just won $900 and can afford to pay his rent this month. He goes to take his winnings but hears that strange voice speak again, “Let it ride” it says The man is unsure what to do and before he can make a move to take his chips the croupier sets the wheel in motion. The man is scared now and watches the ball in frightful anticipation. Once again the ball lands in 6. His relief turns to joy, he has just won over $30 grand. Enough to keep him comfortable for a year or so. He reaches for his winnings but once again, he hears that voice, “One more time on 6” it says. At this stage the man is scared to death of losing but something in that voice is so damn persuasive he can’t resist. He leaves his money down and for the third time the wheel is spun. An icy sweat has broken out on the man as he envisions all that money being lost. The wheel and the ball seem to move in slow motion. When the ball lands on 6 for the third time, the man is beside himself with joy. Again he hears the voice of the Devil, but this time it sounds angry, “You jammy fucking bastard!!” " +16184,3,"Dear math, Solve your own problems" +16185,1,You can never find loopholes in contracts with spacecrafts. They're always airtight. +16186,2,The local Walmart was giving out batteries They were free of charge +16187,7,"Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting Then I shouted: ""I'm supporting the one with the knife"", they both ran away." +16188,0,"Hey baby, are you a match? Cuz you sure are hot (i have no experience in relationships)" +16189,4,Your family tree must be a cactus All your relatives are pricks +16190,0,I got stuck to my seat after sitting down at a.... cinema showing adult films +16191,3,"A Walmart pharmacist walks in to relieve her co-worker and sees a man leaning against the shelves. She asks her co-worker , ""What's with that guy over there leaning against the shelves?"" He says, ""Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We’re out of cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."" ""You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"" ""Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!""" +16192,1,When dogs assert dominance over other dogs it’s “natural” And when I assert my dominance it’s “racist” and “supremecy” +16193,0,"What song grapes like the most? “Raisin, my family...”" +16194,3,"Everyone has a Lie-Clock A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: ‘What are those clocks?’ St. Peter answered: ‘Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’ ‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘Whose clock is this?’ ‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.’ ‘Incredible,’ said the man. ‘that’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’ ‘Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?’ ‘her Clock in in Jesus office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.’ " +16195,0,i was gonna make a gay joke butt fuck it +16196,4,"You must be single... A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ""You must be single."" The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said ""Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"" The drunk replied, ""Cause you're ugly."" " +16197,0,"What do you get when you put 1 tsp each of almonds, oats, corn flakes, and raisins in a bowl? A muesli/measly serving." +16198,1,How can you tell when an auto mechanic jus had sext One of his fingers is clean!! +16199,3,"Google Fonts walks into a bar . . . The bartender says, ""we don't serve your type.""" +16200,1,When the pope brags about the number of choir boys he's met Weird pontiflex but okay +16201,0,What color is lighter than blue? Light blue +16202,0,Mexicans across the border are very thankful people They say the *gracias* much greener on the other side. +16203,0,"A Man Walks Into A Bar His Never Been To Before... He walks over to the bartender and asks for a drink, but he refuses as he is not a member. ""Well? How can I become a member?"" the man asks. ""First of all, down this bottle of Rum. Then go out back and tear one of the teeth out of a rot wheeler and finally fuck a old granny."" As the bartender is saying this he grabs a bottle of Rum and puts it on the table. The man looks at the bartender before drinking the whole bottle with a few gulps. He stumbles out of the back of the bar and returns 20 minutes later with scratches all over him and a pair of pliers in his hand. ""So where the fuck is the granny with the rotten tooth?""" +16204,0,What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Smells like carrots +16205,1,"What does a Saudi YouTuber have ? views or if you put it differently, wives." +16206,0,"back in the 1700s they didnt have silicone breast implants Back then they were made from wood. I can't help but think a splinter from those would hurt alot, wouldn't it?(wooden tit)" +16207,1,A group of nagging dentists discovered and new chemical element. It's called Phlosphorus. +16208,0,"Mike and Andrew meet for coffee, like they do every Friday. But this time, they just sit there staring at their cups of coffee without saying a word. Suddenly, Mike says, ""Do you know what I think, Andrew?"" ""No,"" replies Morris, ""what is it that you think, Mike?"" ""I think,"" says Mike, ""that life is just like a cup of coffee."" ""Why do you think that?"" asks Andrew. ""How should I know,"" replies Mike. ""Am I a philosopher?""" +16209,2,"After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening. “Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks. ​ “I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”" +16210,0,Why can't OJ Simpson keep a job? Because he always acquits. +16211,0,Why don't photons ever get pulled over? They always travel the speed limit +16212,0,The people who write titles for articles are so voracious. They keep capitalizing all the words. +16213,0,What is it called when two lawyers are fighting? Civil War +16214,3,"Three Poles are talking about what's the drunkest they've ever been in their lives The first one says, *""You might not believe me, but I got so drunk once that I woke up in an alleyway 3 blocks away from my home!""* The second one says, *""Hah! That's nothing! I got so drunk once that I woke up in a different town altogether!""* *""You guys are a bunch of pussies""*, says the third one. *""I threw the biggest party in Poland back in '39 and got so drunk I woke up in East Germany!""*" +16215,0,Why can't a Newfie count to 4? Because the tree always gets in the way. +16216,2,Went on a blind date today... Turns out she was deaf. I did not see that coming. +16217,0,Why did Mubarak and Gaddafi get dehydrated? They didn't want water from the Arab Spring. +16218,4,My girlfriend is mad about the fact that I have a bad sense of direction So I got up and right +16219,2,I recently got crushed by a pile of books I only have myshelf to blame... +16220,0,"Have you heard of the feminist who ripped off a misogynistic article from a library's magazine, and ate the paper? I heard she now suffers from internalized misogyny." +16221,0,"Two homeless guys find a 200 Euro note... ...and decide to go to a brothel. Well, the whores there are totally disgusted, but the madam is like ""Let's give them the rooms with the rubber dolls, they won't notice... they didn't have a woman for ages."". So, after their ""dates"", the two guys meet up. The first is like ""How was it?"" and the other guy is like... ""I dunno, I guess she was a witch or something. I bit her nipples and she flew around the room and out the window""." +16222,2,What class does Tumblr hate the most? Biology 😉 +16223,1,"A criminal waited quietly for the judge to give their verdict, and when it was finally announced, they wept with joy because it turns they didn't get a full sen--" +16224,0,Traffic Report Things are looking pretty slow on the big I today... but that's because we're in a helicopter and the traffic is far away. +16225,2,"Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year. I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year." +16226,5,"Blonde Joke An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'" +16227,0,How do anthropologists know they're gay? They get homo erectus +16228,0,Do you ever talk to your girlfriend during sex? Only if I’ve got credit +16229,2,Why did Jesus walk on water? He couldn't swim. +16230,0,"A corporal and a colonel shared a train car on their way back from the front... ""Do you see that field?"" intoned the colonel. ""In that field I led a charge, and when my great white steed was shot out from under me, I had to carry on by foot."" Time passed, and eventually the corporal replied, ""Do you see that rock, Sir? I was banging a farmer's daughter behind that rock when she was shot out from under me. I had to carry on by hand!""" +16231,0,TIL Burr is the name of a machine that throws seeds in the ground. Whereas the manually operated Louis C K model throws it's seeds all over the actual plant. +16232,0,"I wrote a best-selling book titled ""How tostick a lamp up your ass"". AMA! Except for how to get to the lamp out of your ass." +16233,0,"A carpenter goes on a date Dinner went well, even though he was a bit nervous and out of practice, he and the young lady in question had a few drinks, got tipsy, and got a cab back to her place. They kissed a little and she whispered “Do you mind if I go freshen up quick?” And he replied: “Not at awl”." +16234,1,"When does a regular joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child support, refuses to get a job to avoid wage garnishment, and yet somehow manages to go on vacations to Mexico with their floozy 20-year-old girlfriend Chastity. F**K YOU, ALAN!!!" +16235,0,What do you call a prison for gays? Prism +16236,8,"I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied." +16237,0,TIFU When I went to a bar and ordered an 'Orlando Shooter'. +16238,6,I just ran over my dog. April fools! I don't know whose dog it was. +16239,3,"Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story) I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there. Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice a pair of shoes above the lockers, placed there by the janitor when he cleans the locker room. I’m the only one around and I think to myself, “the guy who left those won’t know if I use them and I’ll put them back after I work out.” So I quickly snatched them from the top of the locker room and learned I had left my shoes for a whole week in the locker room." +16240,0,A disabled guy always keeps a bowl in place where he can pick it up It's a handy cup +16241,0,"How many Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes them until the third try to get it reich." +16242,3,What did the B say to the ○ You're a weirdo. +16243,0,How do you shut down all the nuclear reactors in the world? Tell the FineBros. about them +16244,0,NSFW - My ex girlfriend now wears a colostomy bag I fucked her to the point of no rectum. +16245,2,What is Jaden Smith when he’s angry? An icon livid. +16246,4,"I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt. Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful." +16247,2,"Hard of Hearing I went to the Doctors yesterday as my ears were a bit blocked and I couldn't hear too well. The Doctor asked if I could describe the symptoms, I told him the Father is called Homer and is fat and his wife is called Marge with big blue hair. " +16248,4,"As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!” To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”" +16249,1,What's the difference between pornography and art? A Government grant. +16250,0,Did you hear why the transgender was booted out of Whole Foods? Apparently they were chock full of hormones. +16251,9,"I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’" +16252,1,What’s the difference between a burrito and a wrap? $5.00 and mayonnaise +16253,1,"I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my bloody shoes on’" +16254,6,"I have a bumper sticker saying, ""Honk if you think I'm sexy"" Some days I just stand at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself. :) " +16255,0,What does a woman on death row say when asked what she wants for her last meal? I don't know. What do you want? +16256,0,Reverse your 3 best wishes. First of all I will left USA presidency. Secondly I will evaluate dishonest people and third I will make the world disturbance. 🤗 +16257,0,Why are dad jokes harmless and mom jokes offensive? I'll tell you when you're older +16258,0,i finally got out of the hospital. got into a speed reading accident. hit a bookmark and flew across the room... +16259,0,"My wife told me she hates it when I'm always on my phone. She asked me why, and I said, ""Because it's actually smart and it reacts when I finger it Carol!""" +16260,4,Alcoholics don't run in my family... ...they mostly stumble around and bump into things. +16261,4,What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile +16262,0,The duck A duck walked in a bar and asked the bartender Duck- do u have eny bread? Bartender-No we dont have eny bread Duck-do u have eny bread? Bartender-NO we do not have eny bread!! Duck-do u have eny bread? Bartender-WE DO NOT HAVE BREAD!!!! Duck-do u have eny bread? Bartender-IF U SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME I WILL NAIL U TO THIS BAR duck-do u have eny spikes/nails Bartender-no Duck-do u have eny bread +16263,0,"man walks in to the doctor... The doctor says, ""Arthur, what's the matter?"" Arthur says, ""I don't know Doc. Every day I look in the mirror when I get up and I just look so bad! Then I drink some coffee and check again and I still look bad. But I don't know what's wrong with me, cause even though I look bad, I feel good."" The doctor pulls out his big diagnostic book and starts flipping through it. ""Hmmm,"" he says reading, ""looks good, feels good - no, that's not you ... looks bad, feels bad - no that's not you either ... looks good, feels bad - nope. Oh, here it is: Look bad, feels good. Well, I'll be damned, Arthur! You're a vagina!""" +16264,1,"I laughed when I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Well I was crying a second earlier, but well yeah." +16265,3,"My dad always told me ""you eat what you shoot"" I recently found out he meant hunting." +16266,1,What do you call a masturbation competition? A jack-off. +16267,1,"So, I asked my younger sister if she knew what bleach was. ""The drink?""" +16268,3,"A man goes out to meet an old friend. This friend is his drinking buddy from back in the day when he would get blackout drunk. They meet at a bar, and the man immediately tells his friend that he can't drink. Man: I can't get drunk like I used to, my wife would kill me. Friend: Aww come on. It will be just like old times. Let's have a few beers. After a few hours the man gets so drunk that he vomits all over himself. Man: See, I told you I shouldn't drink. My wife is going to kill me! Friend: don't worry about it, you can blame it on me. I'll put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and if your wife asks it's because I puked on you. Later that night the man stumbles into his house and is confronted by his wife. Wife: oh look at this, I knew you would get too drunk with your friend! You puked all over yourself! Man: (heavily slurring his words) no no no, look see my friend puked on me. Look he gave me $10 it's in my pocket. Wife: uhh, there's $20 in your pocket. Man: oh yeah he shit my pants too." +16269,3,"A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small A dude tells his hippy girlfriend that her boobs are too small. She agrees but says that she doesn't want breast implants because Silicone isn't a renewable resource. He suggests that she find a natural alternate. Weeks later she has a great idea and carves two boobs out of a tree from her back yard. After going to the doctor and having them put in, she returns to her boyfriend. She proudly explains what she's done and asks if he wants to touch them. He replies, ""No way! That would give me splinters, Wooden Tit?""" +16270,2,"Texas Chili Cookoff INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: ""Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."" Here are the scorecards from the event: __________________________________________________ CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. __________________________________________________ CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. __________________________________________________ CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. __________________________________________________ CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? __________________________________________________ CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive! JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! __________________________________________________ CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! __________________________________________________ CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. __________________________________________________ CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: (Not available for comment.)" +16271,1,"Wood glue Knock, knock. Who's there? Wood glue. Wood glue who? Wood glue marry me? Note: Neckbeards, DO NOT try this on your girlfriends. " +16272,0,You will never guess what I found in my attic bathroom... The diarrhea of Anne Frank +16273,1,I offered to get my old air mattress for a homeless guy the other day. Thanks! He replied enthusiastucally. I then told him id throw in my air guitar aswell as I walked away laughing. +16274,0,"TIFU by accidentally ramming my toe against the cigarette urn while I was trying to throw my cigarette away. Oops, wrong stub." +16275,1,Shout out to people on r/jokes! When they ask you what the opposite of in is +16276,7,My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either. +16277,1,Why did the tissue go across the room? It had a little boogie in it. +16278,5,"Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans. One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”" +16279,2,Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems. They try a load of random things and hope that it works. +16280,2,"A man is wandering around saying 15, 15, 15. A passer-by stops and asks what is this 15. He says come with me. The passer-by follows and they reach a well. The man says look inside. He looks inside. The man pushes him in and starts saying 16, 16, 16." +16281,4,"I finally got promoted at the crematorium What can I say, I urned it." +16282,1,"A dota2 player and a LoL player walk into a pub... The Dota2 player says ""Dota2 is an objectively better game."" The LoL player can't deny. " +16283,0,What’s the worst part about going down on your grandmother? Banging your head on the lid of the coffin. +16284,2,I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long. +16285,1,Some guy knocks at my door and says he's collecting donations for the local swimming pools.. Imagine his surprise when I handed him a glass of water +16286,2,Did you hear about the new constipation movie? It hasn’t come out yet. +16287,0,"My boyfriend: ""Talk dirty to me."" Me: *(whispering)* The USA dumps 14 billion pounds of garbage into the ocean every year. " +16288,0,What do you call a lion eating snow? Frostbite +16289,4,"My daughter refused to wear her contacts I told her, ""No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"" " +16290,2,"A guy has problems in bed... So a guy us having major problems in bed, he cannot get it up. Well after he tried to do the deed and fails, his wife starts telling him, W: honey go to the doctor, he will fix your issues! So he does, the doctor hears his problem, and gives him pills to help. The doctor says, “son, when you go home take 2 pills and all will be fine!” So while walking home, the guy is thinking, “why 2? Why 2? I AM A MAN!” And proceeds to chuck the whole bottle. Coming home his problem was fixed and he had a raging bazooka boner, so he has sex with his wife... That does not help, and he has sex with his mother in-law, that does not help either. So the guy begins to have sex with everyone he sees on his way around the village. The villagers, terrified, all flee to the forest. Once there, an elder calls over a young man and says: E: please, go check if this fools penis has finally calmed down... And so the kid went. Meanwhile the guy was exhausted yet still not satisfied so he decided that maybe, if he electrocuted his penis his erection will go away. He cut an electric line in half and stuck his penis into it. This was the exact picture the kid has seen, and after seeing it he ran back to the forest. So when the elder sees him she asks, E: so, did the fool calm down? To which the kid, terrified and breathless replies, K: I dont think so, I think the dude just started charging his penis!" +16291,1,How many douches does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them. +16292,5,If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. they would eventually find me attractive.. +16293,1,What does A&W and Thailand have in common? You can have 2 teens for $5 +16294,0,Why did Donald Trump refuse to take a salary? Because when you're good at something you never do it for free. +16295,0,What does a BLM and a Trump protest have in common? They don't matter. +16296,1,"A man in a sperm bank enjoys a warm glass of milk The man tells the receptionist ""thanks for the milk"" ""What milk...?"" ""The glass of milk that was on your desk"" Concerned the receptionist replies ""**Oh no**,"" ""What?!"" now worried the man looks down at his glass, then back at the receptionist's horrified face telling him ... ... ... ""That was my milk""" +16297,0,Do you know about Bassist heaven? I've never heard of it +16298,10,"If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction." +16299,2,Final Destination What do you call an open-casket viewing at an atheist's funeral? All dressed up and nowhere to go. +16300,0,What's your networks name Mr. Jones? ItHurtsWhenIP +16301,5,"A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. ""What should I pay you?"" the monk asks. ""No price, for a holy man such as yourself,"" the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. ""What shall I pay you, my son?"" ""No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself."" And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. ""What do you want I should pay you?"" ""Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself."" And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis " +16302,1,Breaking :A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon. A spokesperson for the police said.. We held him for a while and then let him go.. +16303,0,What’s the difference between bucks and fawns? Your mom won’t get on her knees for a few fawns. +16304,0,Why are people afraid to talk to black people? Their scared they'll say something nigative +16305,0,"I am the father to three daughters, ages 16-22 Somehow ""I don't know anything"" and am also the only one who can solve most of their problems" +16306,0,"Why can't a nose be 12"" long? It would be a foot." +16307,3,"Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy... It feels great, until you look down and realize you're gay." +16308,2,"What is it called when you get high and then eat ice cream? Getting cold-stoned. I thought of this while I was in the shower, so I ran downstairs and told my wife. We both laughed and she gave me a high five, and here we are." +16309,7,"What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time. " +16310,0,"A surveyor and his friend are driving down the highway.......... The surveyor sees a group of people on the side of the road and says, ""look a chain gang."" The friend says, ""how do you know it's a chain gang?"" The surveyor says because I counted 66 feet." +16311,0,"If you think that move is going to work, you've got another thing coming. And it won't be me! " +16312,1,Why are ghosts so popular at parties? Because they always bring the boo's (booze) +16313,4,"Hot and Cold After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: ""You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"" ""In fact, I do."" said the old man. ""After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."" When the doctor examined the man’s wife a short time later he said, ""Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: ""Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"" ""Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. ""That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.""" +16314,2,"Hey girl, are you a communist? Because I'd love to seize your means of reproduction ;)" +16315,1,My girlfriend has asked me to start being more attentive so last night I gave her an orgasm... ...but she just spat it back in my face. +16316,1,I like my women like I like my calzone... Folded over and stuffed with meat. +16317,4,"Dad- Do you know what your brother said when he lost his virginity? Son- Dad, please don't Dad- Exactly" +16318,1,What did my dad say after he asked for frozen casserole That's chili. E:dit Ok execution could be better. Any tips? +16319,2,"Did you hear the one about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic? He would lie awake at night wondering weather or not there really was a dog." +16320,0,"A husband and wife are on safari in Africa They see an antelope wander under a tree, when PLOP! A leopard drops down and tears right into it. The husband shouts, ""Honey! Did you see that cheetah?"" Their guide cuts in, ""Oh, sir, that is actually a leopard."" ""Really? How can you tell?"" ""Cheetahs never plop, sir.""" +16321,0,Why do the French despise Americans? Because we can't make croissants as well as they can. +16322,2,I thought last Friday was a sad day. Turns out that today is a sadder day. +16323,4,"One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, ""Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."" The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, ""What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"" The first says, ""I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"" The second drunk says, ""Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."" So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, ""We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."" The first drunk says, ""You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!" +16324,4,"Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend... .....some pizza while she was babysitting. We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital. Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed. At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there. I said, “No.” Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, ""I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!""" +16325,2,Did you hear about the man who overdosed on Viagra? They couldn’t close his casket +16326,0,"What's 12 inches, pink and makes women scream Stillbirth" +16327,1,Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team? She kept running away from the ball. +16328,8,Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're all dead +16329,0,Why was the drummer sad about his boring instruments? Because he had the doldrums. +16330,7,"If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harrassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute." +16331,2,"My friends distanced themselves from me because I became convinced that I was a power button. Anyway, I'm off. " +16332,2,What do you call pasta shaped like a penis? Lingweenie +16333,1,Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom sticks. +16334,0,"Gas dropped to 77 cents a gallon in some places in Michigan. But don't bother, it was leaded." +16335,0,What time did the dentist have to go to work? Tooth-hurty +16336,3,I just beat my wife at dominos again... When will she learn that **I** choose the pizza toppings? +16337,1,The Cherry blossom tree and the Dogwood tree looks almost the same how does one tell them apart? Check the bark +16338,2,How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday? They bring flowers to his grave. +16339,0,I have no balance I stand corrected +16340,1,"According to the Irish, which video game stinks? Fartnight. " +16341,0,Why did Jimmy's computer got affected by virus? Because he is digital anti-vaxxer. He doesn't believe in anti-virus. +16342,0,What Did The Irresponsible Babysitter Call The Washing Machine? Fort Launderdale +16343,0,"I'm thinking about opening a restaurant with all mentally handicapped waiters and waitresses I'm gonna call it, *Our Servers Are Downs*" +16344,0,"My friends GPS has a different lady talking.. Mine is always saying ""redirecting.""" +16345,0,U2 sued someone. The lawyer agreed to take the case pro-Bono. +16346,1,What was Santa feeling while stuck in the chimney? He was feeling claus-trophobic. +16347,0,The B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for Benoit B. Mandelbrot +16348,0,"A man walks into a butcher's and says: ""can I have a duck please?"" The butcher answers: ""sorry, we're out of duck. Would you like a chicken instead?"" ""That's okay"" says the man. ""But how do I tell my wife I shot a chicken?""" +16349,0,"Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works." +16350,0,What does one cow call another cow's dairy products? Butter from another udder +16351,0,What Do Nuns Call Air Conditioning In A Prison? A convent! +16352,0,What happens when you pay a fan? It becomes a blow job. +16353,2,"What do you get if you steal the same joke every day for a month? About 3K karma, 30 gold, hate from u/i_8_the_Internet, and a ban from r/jokes." +16354,0,"When in doubt always go black Unless you're choosing which dick to suck, then you go Asian. " +16355,0,A man was found dead digging for treasure in a minefield. The police didn't delve too far into it. +16356,6,"Chemistry Joke So a Physicist, Chemist and Biologist walk down the beach to the ocean. They stand together and watch the waves as the water splashes up to meet their feet. ""Look at those waves, the shear crushing weight of the water powered by tidal forces! I must study them further!"" Says the Physicist, as he walked out into the water, never to be seen again. ""All that life in the ocean, from the smallest plankton to the giant whales! I must study them further!"" The Biologist says as he wades into the waves, never to be seen again. The Chemist watches the waves for a couple more minutes, checks his watch, pulls out a pad of paper and writes: Physicists and Biologists are soluble in seawater... clicks his pen and walks home. " +16357,0,"Old joke with a new twist A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, ""I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."" A man yells, ""I’ll take that bet."" and leads the horse into the men’s room. After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, ""OK, I’ll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."" The man shouts, ""You’re on!"" After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, ""How did you do it?"" The man replies, ""I said that my dick was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."" Having heard enough, I got up out of my seat at the bar area and walked over to the crying horse. Turning, I glared at the farmer, ""I hope your happy with yourself."" ""What?"" The farmer asked, actually confused by my tone of voice. ""How could you go and make such a poor creature cry?"" I asked, stepping close to the horse and petting his snout to wipe his tears away. ""So they can harvest my tears."" The horse suddenly spoke in a pathetic voice. ""WHAT?"" I did a double take, This horse could actually TALK? ""My name is Stardust and I'm no ordinary horse. I'm actually a unicorn. I'm just taking the form of a horse so no one knows I'm a unicorn. Unfortunately, the farmer found out when I shed a tear onto his injured hand and it sealed up just like magic."" The horse explained to me, ""So here I am, a slave to the farmer. I'm forced to cry so he can have an endless supply of healing tears and get rich off of me. It sounds altruistic but they always make fun of my penis size which I'm super sensitive about."" ""My name is Kurt."" I introduced myself, petting Stardust on his cheek, ""And I'm here to liberate you."" ""You can't just-"" The farmer started by I interrupted him. ""I don't think so. You're psychologically fucked this creature hard enough. Can't you see he's miserable?"" ""So very, very miserable."" Stardust replied as a new batch of glimmering tears rolled down his snout. I hugged the horse, ""You see?"" ""Kurt."" Stardust sniffled, ""I uh......know it's kind of a weird request but I'd like you to lick my tears away."" ""I beg your pardon?"" I asked, raising an eyebrow. ""Drinking my tears also grants wishes."" Stardust replied as a large tear formed on the rim of his nostril as he shyly stared at the floor, ""Please Kurt, wish me away to freedom."" ""If you insist."" I shrugged. Leaning in close, I gently licked the tear off of Stardust's snout with my tongue and instantly I felt a sensation of warmth inside of me. ""Now close your eyes and wish for me to be free."" Stardust said as he nuzzled my cheek. I did just that and in a flash of bright light, the horse transformed into a beautiful and elegant unicorn. ""NOOOOOOO!"" The farmer screamed. ""Well I'll be."" The man gasped at the sight. ""Thank you, Kurt. You've finally freed me from my joke prison. Shall we ride off into the sunset together?"" ""All right."" I replied nonchalantly, hopping onto Stardust's back. Instantly, Stardust farted, a rainbow shooting out of his ass causing him to travel at the speed of light. Who knew I'd make friends with a unicorn? Fate works in mysterious ways. The end. " +16358,1,"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you." +16359,1,Wannaa hear a joke about Pizza? Never mind... It was too cheesy. +16360,1,"Gotta love a dad joke Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!'" +16361,1,Why didn't Tom Hiddleston invite Chris Hemsworth to his Thor Ragnarok afterparty? Tom wanted to keep it a loki affair. +16362,0,"Dry heaving is like throwing up, but... Your body literally gets nothing out of it." +16363,0,Why are Japanese peoples eyes so squinted? Do you even know how bright an atomic bomb is? +16364,10,"I called my wife at work and asked, ""Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"" Sounding concerned, she said, ""No."" I responded, ""How about now?""" +16365,0,"Teacher: ""Good morning, class. Welcome to sex-ed."" Ed: ""What""" +16366,0,"I'm in a long distance relationship, but not for long. All I have to do is convince her to lift the restraining order." +16367,0,We don't know much about Galileo ... ... he was a poor boy from a poor family +16368,1,A man suddenly quits being gay He just thought it was too much of a pain in the ass. +16369,6,Why are Americans so bad at chess? Because they don't have 2 towers. +16370,0,Do you know why Texas doesn't fall into the ocean? Because Oklahoma sucks. +16371,0,"I tried to bring my dead friend to class with me, but the teacher kicked him out. Guess he's too ghoul for school." +16372,0,I can tell a good joke! I just did. +16373,3,"What is America worth? Nothing, it's a free country. " +16374,3,Dad's are like boomerangs At least I hope +16375,7,"My wife wouldn't like ... While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, ""Are you okay?"" ""I'm okay thanks,"" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, ""Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later. "" I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. ""That's mighty nice of you,"" I answered, ""but I don't think my wife would like it."" ""Oh, come on now "" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. ""Well okay,"" I finally agreed, ""But I'm sure my wife won't like it."" After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, ""I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."" ""Don't be silly!"" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. ""Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"" I replied, ""Still under the cart, I guess""...." +16376,0,Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off. +16377,1,NPR recently started a heavy metal band. 'All Things Dismembered' +16378,3,"What did the zero say to the 8? Nice belt. Surely you've heard that before but what did the three say to the eight? Oh, get a room." +16379,0,"The doorbell of the family home rings.. ...and when the father opens it he see a huge man, clad only in a piece of loincloth, outside. His deep voice rumbles: ""I am Todumaku and I am here to fuck your daughter!"" The father is startled: ""To do WHAT??"" ""Todumaku""" +16380,3,"The grass is always greener... When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ""When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."" The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp..." +16381,0,"i jacked off into the toilet i jacked off into the toilet and tried to flush but the cum seems to always stay afloat..... well,what do you know...... I got great swimmers!!!" +16382,3,"Would you rather be a spider or the most boring man on earth? Either way, you're still a web developer." +16383,1,"Why can you RAN in a campsite, but never RUN in a campsite? Because it's always past-tents. " +16384,3,What do you call a girl who did not register in time for the beauty contest? Miss Deadline. +16385,4,"Today I was at the bookstore. As I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, ""Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"" The clerk angrily said, ""Fuck off, get out and stay out!"" I said, ""Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?""" +16386,0,Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked man walks past. Two of the nuns instantly had a stroke . . . . The third could not reach. +16387,1,No one is afraid of llama kisses So why is everyone so worried about the alpaca lips? +16388,5,The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it. Haven’t looked back since. +16389,0,Ever learned an African language? It just clicks +16390,0,The first phrase I tried to read with British accent was equivocal. Try Freefolk. +16391,2,"At a costume party my girlfriend was dressed as an egg and me as a chicken we had sex in the bathroom and I can tell chicken ""came"" first" +16392,0,"Wooden train What happened to the wooden train with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine, It woodn’t go" +16393,5,"A German, American and Turkish man are sailing together on a boat. During the trip the captain notices that the ship isn't sailing at the proper speed. He tells the passengers that there is too much weight on the ship and they have to throw away some of their cargo. The American goes first and starts throwing away hundreds of Marlboro packets. He says: 'Doesn't matter, we got loads of them at home anyway'. Now the Turkish guy looks at his cargo and starts throwing away hundreds of Raki bottles (alcoholic beverage). He too says: 'Doesn't matter, we got loads of them at home anyway'. It's the turn of the German guy. After thinking for a bit he picks up the Turk, and throws him overboard: 'Doesn't matter, we got loads of them at home anyway!' " +16394,4,"It's the end of the 2016 presidential race It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. Tye three candidates would run a lap around the white house and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, takes 24 minutes. Hillary Clinton goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Donald Trump goes last, running as fast as he can, trampling flowers and shrubs in his way in an effort to beat Hillary's time. He finally crosses the finish line at just under 10 minutes. ""Aha!"" He exclaims, ""That must be some sort of record!"" ""I dont think so,"" says Obama, ""Bush did 9:11""" +16395,6,"I used to think the brain was the most important organ Then I thought, look what’s telling me that" +16396,0,"Knock, Knock! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snowbody!" +16397,7,Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition. +16398,1,Why were Native Americans the first ones here? They all had reservations. +16399,0,"I used to do some acting. I was in ""Lassie Come Home"" , ""Homeward Bound"", ""Turner and Hooch"" and ""Beethoven"" I played the lead in those." +16400,3,My wife told me that she wanted to see a huge ring on our anniversary... So I got her tickets to Wrestlemania. +16401,10,My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail. +16402,1,What was the buffalos last word to his kid? Bi-son +16403,3,My friend started a company that digs rocks and minerals.. He's just mining his own business. +16404,3,I asked my North Korean friend what life is like there He said he couldn't complain +16405,1,What do the negative ion and the positive ion have in common? They're both in favor of net neutrality! +16406,0,I finally figured out why you see dogs sitting on top of their doghouse. Gravity +16407,4,"I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!! " +16408,0,What do you call a black man with Parkinsons? Chocolate shake +16409,0,"In 2018 the term 'Cop-Out' finally made sense. They seem to have perfected it.         'Asked why Finch was shot on the porch while apparently not holding a phone while the hoax caller was talking to a 911 dispatcher, Wichita Police Chief Gordon Ramsay said Tuesday evening that was a difficult question to answer. “Unfortunately we don’t have telepathy yet,” he added.'" +16410,3,"Parachute for sale Used once, never opened, small stain" +16411,0,What is Kim Jong-un’s dad called? Kim Old-Un. +16412,2,What was Forrest Gump's password? What was Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 +16413,0,"I said “Honey, I want to kiss you passionately on your lips. And then slowly....” “Work my way up towards your belly button”" +16414,1,"I was feeling depressed, so I drank some brandy and went to the gym That really lifted my spirits" +16415,2,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, ""Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."" The brunette says, ""I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."" POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, ""I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."" POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, ""My dear, what's the matter?"" The blonde whimpers, ""I wish my friends were still here""." +16416,0,How does Hitler line people up to get ready for mass genocide? Jew by Jew +16417,0,Great joke to pull on friends Me an intellectual: what is the plural of hydro flask? Friend: Hydroflasksk Me: VSCO I know its a bad joke but it gets great results +16418,0,Where do the Irish Army get their bullets from? Microsoft Word +16419,1,How do you pay a hooker? Moneyshot! +16420,1,What do cannibals call a doctor? Hot Doc +16421,2,My friend said he didn't know there was a war going on in the middle east... He must have been living under *Iraq* +16422,2,What do you call a sort-of cool vegetable? A Radish +16423,2,A magician is driving a car Then he turns into a driveway +16424,0,Florence Henderson may have passed away.... But someone finally won Brady Bunch Tic-Tac-Toe +16425,7,Host: What are you? Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre? +16426,1,What did the ghost say to the hornets? BOO bees +16427,6,"Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today." +16428,1,"I walked down the street then took a left around a corner... Then a right, a hook and a roundhouse kick... I hate walking through the hood " +16429,6,"I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox And a lifetime ban from the zoo." +16430,0,My dad used to beat me... At tic-tac-toe. +16431,2,"The madam tell her girls ""Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"" After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time' The second says **'I think mine was a witch'** First: 'Really? Why's that?' Second: **'Cause when I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out the window'**" +16432,2,"A father's last request A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, ""Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"" The wife replied, ""I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."" With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, ""Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.""" +16433,3,A sign at the fertility clinic. Please wait to be seeded. +16434,3,"I swore at a nun the other day... She hit me with her ruler, It was a measured response." +16435,0,What do you call an interesting terrorist? Captivating. +16436,0,Sumo Wrestlers Q: Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? ​ A: Because they don't want to be mistaken for lesbians. +16437,3,Who are the shiniest people on Earth? Polish people. +16438,2,"The day after Thanksgiving someone wished me Happy Turkey Recovery Day Sorry to burst your bubble, but those turkeys aren't recovering from yesterday." +16439,4,What are the two oldest animals on Earth? The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white. +16440,3,"What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool? ""I was only practicing my breast stroke""" +16441,2,What do you call a tattoo artist that accepts nudes as payment? Tit-for-tatt +16442,5,What do Donald trumps hair and a thong have in common? They both only barely cover the asshole +16443,2,I like guys and girls but still can't find anyone to love I guess it's meant for me to be all bi-myself +16444,1,What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco? CHiPs and dip. +16445,1,"Can you guys help me remember a specific joke? The folks at /r/TOMT haven't had any luck. Bonus joke so this post isn't totally useless — Why do women lose their temper so quickly when they are on their period? ""I dunno, why?"" *screaming* ""BECAUSE THEY JUST FUCKIN' DO, OK?!@!!"" Aight so with that out of the way, the joke I can't remember is similar because it has a shouted punchline. But I just can't remember any details besides that. It might be shouted because the subject involves a hard-of-hearing person, like ""what did the blah say to the deaf blah?"" ...""BLAH!!!!""... it might also be a knock-knock joke. Not interrupting-cow or interrupting-pirate, but the same feel? Sorry, that's all I remember! " +16446,2,What's the difference between Merlin the Magician and the Rockettes? One has a cunning array of stunts....... +16447,1,"Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus... Hollywood has Terry Crews." +16448,7,The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery +16449,1,Did you hear about the new perfume with no smell? It doesn't make sense. +16450,1,"If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year... February 30th April 31st June 31st September 31st November 31st" +16451,1,"If Japanese rap is J-rap, what's Chinese rap? " +16452,5,What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey! +16453,4,"A man comes to a carpet store and says: “I need a rug.” “Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?” “I need two rugs.”" +16454,3,When life gives you melons... You're probably dyslexic. +16455,1,How did Noah figure out that his son isn't very smart ? He built an aquariam on the Ark to save the fish. +16456,0,"My uncle went out playing russian roulette gambling I think he won so much that he moved, because he didn't want to share his winnings. haven't heard from him since" +16457,0,Sand rocks! get it haha because sand is rocks i am so creative +16458,2,What did the cheapskate say to the pimp? Penny for you thots. +16459,1,Why was Boy George not invited to any more orgies? He comes and goes. +16460,1,"A man to his friend: Hey man, why are you so fat? Friend: I don't know, it runs in the family I guess. Man: Man, ain't nobody able to run in your family. " +16461,1,Who was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender. +16462,1,There are two ways to handle women And neither one works. +16463,1,Why was the 3 year old African kid sad? He was facing a mid-life crisis +16464,0,Self-help book of the month: Stedman Graham's Seven Steps To Financial Success Step 1: Move in with Oprah +16465,2,"Due to intense training I've finally mastered Ninjitsu, Judo and... Two other Japanese words." +16466,2,What kind of food ruins a woman’s sex drive? Wedding cake +16467,0,"Parking Officer A man parks in a disabled spot, The man gets out and begins to walk to work. Before this happens a parking officer from across the street calls out to him noticing no limp or disabilities from the man. So the parking officer calls out. ""Hey, what disabilities have you got?!"" The man stops dead in his tracks and thinks for a second before replying ""Tourettes now fuck off!!"" " +16468,1,What do girls from WV say after sex? GET UP DAD YOU'RE CRUSHING MY CIGARETTES! +16469,0,"If you want to see 'rat, rodent infested mess', where should you go? Donald J Trump's Twitter." +16470,2,"What came first, the chicken or the egg? The cock." +16471,1,Basketball players are the most upstanding members of society They really are people to look up to. +16472,1,"Life Pro Tip Make sure you always blow dry your hair, it gives you an extra couple minutes to cry once you're out of the shower! " +16473,3,Did you hear about the six month old Ethiopian child? He was having a mid life crisis +16474,1,Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you the ability to make motivational statements. +16475,0,"Bad Things to Tell Your Wife A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”" +16476,3,How do you make blood pudding? From scratch. +16477,1,Why are Americans so fat? Americans run on Dunkin' +16478,2,"Two Newfie brothers, Bob and Tom, go to the unemployment office one day. After hours of standing in line, Bob is called in to speak with a social worker. The social worker asks him ""What is your occupation?"" Bob replies ""I'm a diesel fitter."" The social worker informs Bob that she just happens to know of a trucking company that is hiring for this position. He can start in one week and his salary is $40,000 per year. Ecstatic, he runs out of her office and tells Tom that the social worker found him a great job that pays 40 grand a year. Expecting the best. Tom speaks with the same social worker. ""What is your occupation?"" she asks. Tom says ""I sew ladies panties for a living."" She tells him, ""Tom, I have to tell you that you don't have a high-demand job. The best I can do is send you to a tailor across town who's looking for an apprentice. He'll pay you minimum wage and you can probably start in 2 months."" Tom looks at her, very confused and says ""How is that possible?? My brudder Bob who worked with me for years was just here before me. You hooked him up with a job that pays $40,000 a year and you're telling me that I have to settle for minimum wage??!!!"" ""Of course,"" she says. ""Bob is a diesel fitter."" Tom says, ""I know! I sew up the panties and Bob pulls them over his head and says, ""Yup. Deese'll fitt'er!!!""" +16479,2,What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease? It’s when you forget everything but the guilt. +16480,3,"On a transatlantic flight to Poland... ...the pilot announced on the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."" Grumbles ensued but died down. A while later the pilot announced, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a second engine. But don't worry. We can still make it on two. It'll just take an extra three hours to get to Poland."" Grumbles turned into annoyed remarks. A while after that the pilot announced, ""Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a third engine. But don't worry. We can still make it to Poland. It'll just take an extra five hours to make it there."" An angry voice from coach yelled out, ""Good Lord! If we lose another one, we're gonna be up here all damn day!""." +16481,0,"Why shouldn't you drink purple Fanta with a roofie in it? You might get ""graped""." +16482,1,I can't believe that Fisherman told me there were no rivers in Africa He was clearly in denial +16483,1,"Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs. It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere." +16484,1,"I met this man outside the street and we walk into a bar. We had a small conversation. Then he brought up writing as the topic. He said: ""I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"" I went out of the bar after my drink. Two weeks later, he now works for big computer companies writing error messages for blue screens, red screens, error messages, and most importantly, syntax errors, math errors, and the like." +16485,2,Q: What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? A: Incorrectly +16486,2,"A teacher said to her class, ""Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red."" Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. ""It's a plum miss,"" said a girl. ""no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green."" The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, ""It's a kiwi miss."" No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."" Little Johnny said, "" I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."" ""Johny, thats disgusting!"" shouted the teacher. "" no it's a match, but i like your thinking."" Said Little Johnny." +16487,0,Trump is a misogynist. And I think it is disgusting the views he has on bitches. +16488,0,I knew a Dutch girl that used to wear inflatable shoes. She stopped answering my calls. It later turned out that she'd popped her clogs. +16489,3,Nice guys always finish last. Which makes us really good in bed. Come on ladies..give us a try. +16490,3,"A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""you're welcome to drink here, but you better not start anything.""" +16491,5,"A woman says to her husband ""Whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es"" Husband: ""The contractions are getting closer together, time to go to the hospital."" Credit to /u/Mr_Wilcox" +16492,0,What do maids in Manhattan use to clean their kitchens? J-lo Cloths +16493,1,A girl just offered me a date. But I'm not hungry. +16494,0,I met a dyslexic atheist. He did not believe in dogs +16495,0,"Google must be really bothering me while I sleep.. Because every morning, I wake up and my first words are always 'Hey Google, stop!""." +16496,4,"A young man goes to his dad and tells him that he's got great news His father asks ""what are the good news, son?"" ""I'm getting married"", the young man responds. ""Wow! That is great! Amazing! Congratulations!"", his dad exclaims, almost in tears. ""So, who are you marrying?"", he asks. ""I'm marrying Ashley"", the young man responds. ""Oh that crazy slut"", the dad says at once. ""What??"" The young man says, surprised. ""I can't believe you just said that about my future wife!"", he says, and storms out of the house and goes to the backyard, completely angry at this father. In the backyard he finds his mother attending to the garden, who notices that something's wrong and asks, ""What's wrong, dear?"" ""Nothing's wrong"", says the young man. ""Just had an argument with dad. I gave him great news and he was kind of disrespectful, anyways, it doesn't matter, it's in the past now"", he says. ""What are these great news?"", the mother asks. ""I'm getting married"", he responds. ""That is great! Congratulations son!"", says the mother as she hugs him. ""So, who's the lucky girl?"", she asks. ""It's Ashley"", the man responds. ""A real whore, that one"", says the mother. ""Wait. What???"", says the young man. ""You too, just like dad!"", he shouts in anger. So the young man, totally irritated gets out of there and starts walking down the street. After a few minutes walking, he notices his friends hanging out at a bar, and so he decides it might be a good idea to join them, have a few drinks and forget about the incidents at home. After greeting his friends, they ask him what's new, and he says ""I'm getting married"". ""Congratulations"", his friends exclaim. ""That is amazing!"", says another one. Another one shouts to the bartender ""please get us a round of beers, all on me, for the gentleman here that is getting married!"". ""Yeah!"", everyone cheers. ""So, who are you marrying?"", one of them asks. ""I'm marrying Ashley"", our young man responds. ""Oh that tramp"", says one of the guys. ""A real crazy slut"", says another one. ""Whattt????"", the man says. ""You too? Just like my parents? Fuck everyone!"" he says, as he leaves the bar extremely annoyed. He keeps walking down the street and enters the church. There the priest greets him, ""Hi son! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in years! What brings you to the House of God?"" ""I want to know what's the process necessary to get married. No one seems to approve but I'll get married anyways"", the man says, still clearly irritated. ""That's great!"", the priest responds. ""But before discussing any further, at least let me know who you are marrying"", the priest asks. ""It doesn't matter"", the man responds. ""Let's say I'm marrying the biggest tramp, the sluttiest girl in town"", he says. ""Oh really?"", the priest says. ""You are marrying Ashley?""" +16497,1,A woman was told by her doctor that she could no longer touch anything alcoholic... So she got a divorce +16498,0,What do you call the study of ant culture? ANT-thropology +16499,0,"What did the schizophrenic say? When I close my eyes, all I can see is teeth. Can teeth grin when there are no lips? Can they scowl? Sometimes I feel that the teeth are trying to signal emotion to me, but they always stay the same. I usually just feel shame, when I see those teeth staring at me. What have I done to deserve this? What can I do to undo this? Is this a punishment for something that I have done? Why have I stopped dreaming since the teeth came around? I try not to sleep nowadays, because, when I try, I have to stare at those teeth. The upper and lower rows of teeth stay closed, and I dread to know what will happen when they finally open, if they ever open. Some days I want them to get it over with, I want those teeth to open up, but other days I wonder if it would be better to just keep having to see them. I mean, it shouldn't be so bad to just have to see them, should it? Just seeing them shouldn't be so bad, but I guess that emotions don't follow reason. I wish that I could be free from feeling, free from shame, free from fear, but, in the end, I just want to be free from those teeth, I want to dream again, I want to dream again. " +16500,0,"Hey dude, what do you cut down a tree with? Asuh dude" +16501,0,Why does Bono sing g for five days straight every month? It's just his minstrel cycle. +16502,0,"After a lengthy debate, congress finally passed a law banning pedophiles from children's shoe stores. It was No Minor Feet." +16503,2,I met a bunch of cannibals online and we got along so well we decided to hold a get-together The first few days were great but then we just got fed up with each other +16504,1,Why don't conspiracy theorists own alarm clocks? They're already woke. +16505,0,Any joke i post here won't get many upvotes that's probably cus you've already **read**\\-it +16506,1,What does mafia call the cryptocurrency? Digitalian Cash +16507,3,My friends tell me I'm funny But looks aren't everything +16508,0,We don't talk about masturbation... ...it's a touchy subject. +16509,0,How come there are like a thousand songs about Christmas but only one song about the boys being back in town? This is not original +16510,0,The Devil just opened a shoe store. He's a soul trader. +16511,1,"Bill Cosby on a date: ""Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable..."" …like a coma." +16512,1,I got a part-time job at the gas station glory-hole... ...I make my money on tips. +16513,0,That's the story about a penguin breathing by his ass One-day he sit and dye +16514,3,Possible OC?? What's the difference between a demolition derby and some drunks on a bus? One's a bar-crawl. The other's a car-brawl. +16515,1,Did you here about the girl who got electrocuted by her vibrator at a sleep over? It was such a buzz kill +16516,0,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef..... +16517,0,Irma: I hurrican and windy will Florida: Tornadon't! Tornadon't! +16518,1,Knock knock Who's there Anti vaxxer kid Anti vaxxer kid who +16519,3,What's the easiest job in China? Police sketch artist. +16520,0,Whats the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on. +16521,2,"One day two brothers were raking in the front yard... The older brother, who is 6, says, ""Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!"" The younger brother, who is 4, nods with excitement. So, the next day, the their mother says, ""What do you want for breakfast?"" to the older brother. He replies, ""All hell! I'll have some Cherrios!"" The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room. ""Now, what do you want for breakfast?"" The mother says to the younger brother. ""I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't going to be Cherrios!"" " +16522,1,"What do you call an orange that explodes, but comes back? Boom-orang" +16523,1,"I get this girl to come home with me. I'm in bed with her and then she tells me ""Just the tip."" Jokes on her, that's all I got." +16524,1,"Reminiscing my life 5 years ago Was a bit of a loner, not that i kept to myself or anything like that, i just couldnt manage to make friends no matter how hard I tried. My 24th birthday came and decided to go out and celebrate, on my own of course. Met some group of friends that night, we got along pretty well and they invited to hang out with them next weekend. Started dating one of the girls after a few weeks after, things got serious and now we've been married for 3 years. Been thinking bout these times and then it hit me, nobody likes you when youre 23." +16525,6,"A horse walks into a bar. A Horse walks into a bar. The Bartender sees such a vivid depth of despair and ennui in the Horse's eyes, like the Horse has stared into the abyss and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep that the Horse could no longer believe that he himself nor anyone nor anything else existed. To say something exists requires knowledge of self, which requires knowledge of existence of the self, an obviously impossible leap of logic, absurd to even attempt to conceive or contemplate. The Bartender, in that single instant within the Horse's mind, became the nothingness the Horse perceived, and thus was rendered speechless. If neither the Horse, nor the Bartender, nor the bar itself can be said to exist, then why should he ask, how could he ask, ""why the long face?"" The question can have no meaning, and that which has no meaning cannot be stated. The Bartender, dumbstruck, not by realization of mortality but by fundamental doubt that he was ever alive, gazes into the endless depth of the Horse's eyes, and asks him, ""Sir, I beg you say, do I exist?"" The Horse replies, ""Neighhhh...""" +16526,1,What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest. +16527,7,"A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.... The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back. Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have you lost a bit of weight recently! You are quite the catch - any woman would be lucky to have you!' The man regarded the peanuts oddly but shook his head and left the bar area in search of a packet of smokes. Located in the corner of the pub was a coin operated cigarette machine. The man reached into his pocket grabbed his change and was about to put his first coin when suddenly the cigarette machine started to speak, 'wow! You've had a hard life! Gained a bit of weight? Few extra grey hairs on your head....welcome to middle age pal! You do not wear it well'! The man was understandably shocked and backed away to the bar where his pint was now being prepared. The customer turned to the bar and said, 'What the hell is going on?!?? That bowl of peanuts said I've lost weight and look good for my age whilst that cigarette machine said I was fat and middle aged!' The barman said. 'I do apologise sir! The peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machines out of order'!!!!" +16528,1,If I grew another foot I'd need another shoe. +16529,1,"A perverted guy goes every night to an known for prostitutes , and every time he goes to one and starts pretending to negotiate a price while masturbating to her, then he takes off. One day, a prostitute whose father was a veteran gives him a price too good to swipe away for a blowjob and he feels something sketchy about it but accepts nonetheless. He comes at her place and gets his blowjob and she also throws in a fuck. After that she kept coming to the same spot to find the guy and fucks him for free. The guy was mesmerized by her generosity and asks if there's anything special about him that she gave him free sex. She goes : "" My father was in Afghanistan after 9/11. He watched schools, workshops and warehouses getting destroyed, then the Afghans would starve, and the Americans sent airplanes that dropped food all over the country. I asked him why were we supposed to help them if they were our enemies. He told me : That's how we Americans do it : That one blow job, they gotta pay for. The aids came for free.""" +16530,2,What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet? Cantaloupe +16531,0,"A man walks into a bar He was startled, but unharmed." +16532,2,"I enjoy looking at my poop. Everytime I go to the bathroom to take a shit, I'd always remember to not flush immediately and look at my poop. I'd look at it's shape and color, and I'd admire every bit of it. I could not live without this process. Then one time, I accidentally flushed after I pooped. I didn't even had the chance to look what it looked like. I was mad. I wanted to see the poop that I had took but now it's gone forever. I felt like I was going to have an emotional breakdown. I guess at that day... I lost my shit." +16533,4,"My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year... ...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, ""I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."" I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ""We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family"". The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car." +16534,2,"Police officer: ""Can you identify yourself, sir?"" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: ""Yes, it's me.""" +16535,0,Yo momma so fat.. Hitler wanted to invade her for Lebensraum +16536,0,For Christmas I got my girlfriend something red and stunning A nosebleed +16537,1,My friend is really good at wrapping presents …you could say he’s gifted +16538,3,Guns don't kill people... Husbands that come home early from work do. +16539,5,"I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist Well, he said he was a hung aryan" +16540,0,"A blind man walks by the fish section in a market. He stops and says, hello ladies." +16541,1,A hypochondriac’s fear I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac but I worry a lot that I might be. +16542,0,I see Said the blind man to the deaf guy +16543,1,I like dead baby jokes as much as the next guy But sometimes you have to abort +16544,2,"“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window. “What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly. ​ The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”" +16545,0,"Being the lazy inventor that I am, I decided to create a robot to do my physical exercise for me. It worked out." +16546,1,What is the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before eating it. +16547,2,"My boss was trying to come up with ways to be more romantic in the bedroom... My bosses' wife Cindy was very attracted to hairy men -- such as men with mustaches and thick body hair... so he thought it would be a cute gesture to shave his wife's name in his chest hair. So he went into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror and carefully shaved ""Cindy"" into his chest. That night in the bedroom, his wife ripped off his shirt and said... ""what the hell is Ydnic?"" When he told me this story, I said ""Thank God her name isn't something like... lana!"" (Inspired by a true conversation.)" +16548,2,Why is the letter B so cool? Because it sits in the middle of AC +16549,1,Jesus died for your sins but he was born for your gifts +16550,2,I know all there is to know about heterosexuals Straight facts +16551,6,"A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude ""that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!"" and without thinking, my friend replied ""yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!""" +16552,0,"Data breach If you love data breach,why don’t you Marriott?" +16553,4,How does The Rock Pee? He Dwayne’s His Johnson! +16554,1,"An American walks into a bar As soon as he walks in, he makes an announcement. ""Anyone who can drink 10 beers without getting shit-faced gets 500 dollars from me!"" No one took the challenge. One person even got up and left. Disappointed, the American sat down and asked for a beer. A couple rounds later, he spots the man who left earlier walking towards him. ""Is the challenge still on?"" The man asks. Delighted, the American boomed ""Of course, of course! What's your name boy?"" ""Darragh. I'm Irish."" The man replied. ""Well Darragh, if you can finish up ten beers, 500 dollars is yours! Up for it?"" Without saying a word, Darragh began chugging beers. After a very short time, he sat down, satisfied. In front of him lay 10 bottles of beer. The American was shocked! ""Amazing! Here's your 500! But may I ask, why you left the bar when i announced my challenge?"" ""Oh, it's simple really"" Darragh replied. ""I just went to the bar down the street to see if I could do it.""" +16555,0,"I'm completely new to this, and I'm going in blind... But it's your fault for bringing the pepper spray!" +16556,4,"A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. ""How much for a hand-job?"" ""5,000$"" she replies. ""5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."" ""Walk with me."" She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. ""You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."" He ponders for a moment. ""Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright."" He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. ""Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"" ""15,000$"" she replies. ""15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!"" He shouts ""Come to the window."" They walk to the window and she begins to point. ""You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."" ""Fine, how can i say no?"" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. ""Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"" ""Come to the window."" He follows her to the window, ready for anything. ""Do you see all of Las Vegas?"" She asks. ""No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!"" He exclaims, astounded. ""No.."" she looks down. "" But I would if I had a pussy...""" +16557,2,My uncle is with the FBI They caught him in Cleveland +16558,0,"Why did the lead singer of System of a Down, Serj Tankian, cross the road? HE WANTED TO!" +16559,1,"I was on a boating trip yesterday, when I got a headache and reached into my bag to take a Tylenol. I opened the bottle, but accidentally dropped one of the tablets into the lake. ""Fuck it,"" I thought, ""at least the homeopaths would benefit from this.""" +16560,0,How many black people does it take to... That's racist dude! You are banned! +16561,2,Where does a pirate captain keep his buccaneers? On the sides of his buckin' head! +16562,0,Senate: Red House: Red Supreme Court: Red President: Orange +16563,1,When political debate comes up this Thanksgiving break and you find someone at the other end of spectrum just say one thing. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. +16564,1,Your dad died in a car crash. April fools! He died in a fire! +16565,5,It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone. +16566,0,What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass! +16567,2,"So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room. I said; ""I can't, I have a lot on my plate.""" +16568,1,"Yesterday, I lost a wedding cake.. ..but today, I fondant." +16569,5,"I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra. And she's a bitch. " +16570,1,"Having a Party? My wife came in from shopping with two 18-pack cases of lager, a case of bitters, six bottles of wine, four handles of Vodka, two bottles of Bourbon, a case of club soda, ice and two loaves of bread. … I said, “Are we having a party?” … She said, “No.” I said, “Why did you buy two freakin' loaves of bread then?""" +16571,0,"Remember, when someone claims to be a girl... He could be a Guy In Real Life." +16572,2,Two programmers are talking about life... Programmer 1: Does my life have meaning? Programmer 2: False Programmer 1: Stop Boolean me +16573,6,"A duck walks into a bar... One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, ""Fucking hell! You're a duck."" ""I see your eyes are working,"" replies the duck. ""And you can talk!"" exclaims the bartender. ""I see your ears are working, too,"" says the duck. ""Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?"" ""Certainly, sorry about that"" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. ""It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"" ""I'm working on the building site across the road,"" explains the duck. ""I'm a plasterer."" The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: ""You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!"" ""Sounds marvelous,"" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ""Get him to give me a call."" So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, ""Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."" ""I'm always looking for the next job,"" says the duck. ""Where is it?"" ""At the circus,"" says the bartender. ""The circus?"" repeats the duck. ""That's right,"" replies the bartender. ""The fucking circus?"" the duck asks again. ""With the big TENT?"" ""Yeah!"" the bartender replies. ""With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?"" says the duck. ""Of course,"" the bartender replies. ""And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?"" says the duck. ""That's right!"" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: ""Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?""" +16574,0,When people think psychology deals with psychics *psychs* +16575,0,"A woman walks into a bird shop, where there are parrots for $150, $100, and $15 The woman asked why the last one was so cheap. ""It's a repost parrot, it's been posted several times"" She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she gets home, the parrot says ""fuck me, a new OP"" Everyone laughs. Later the parrot says ""Fuck me, new upvotes!"" Finally, the parrot gets voted to the front page and says ""Fuck me, the front page! I haven't been here in hours!""" +16576,3,"There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA You can stand in front of the White House and yell, ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will not be punished." +16577,0,What is Donald Trump's favorite gum? Bigly Chew. +16578,0,What do you call a baby with one arm and three toes that's in the middle of the ocean? Fucked +16579,2,Whats the difference between a counterfeit bill and a skinny girl? One is a phony buck. +16580,0,"Every time I eat in central Asia, I can't stop going to the bathroom. I must be in continent." +16581,3,"Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot." +16582,1,My dad was a conjoined twin we call his brother our uncle from the father's side +16583,4,"A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely ""I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me"" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. ""My wifes been sleeping with someone else."" He explained. The bartender, in shock replied ""I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."" ""Fine."" The crying man replied. He returned a few hours later, and told the bartender ""Hey, now can you give me enough drinks to kill me?"" The bartender, confused, asked ""And why would I do that?"" The once sobbing man, replied with a grin on his face ""I fucked your wife.""" +16584,0,"After Obama people seem to think anything can be president. Let's see, what are the possibilities? Hillary Clinton- First criminal president, or Donald Trump- First 12 year old child president." +16585,3,"No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED. Some people say there’s no difference but there is. When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE! When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED! And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" +16586,2,How's a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass? Satisfying. +16587,0,What is every Republican's New Favorite Drink? White Russian +16588,0,Why did the blonde call an exterminator? Her computer had a bug... +16589,0,Most people fap with their right hand And some with their left one. However we all know that a long-sword can only be swung with two hands. +16590,2,What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone? Minefeld *Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots* +16591,0,what did the man say to the man hey man +16592,0,"Good news and bad news Me (pediatric surgeon): Ma’am I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first? Woman: bad news first Me: your son didn’t make it Woman: what’s the good news? Me: you don’t have to save for college anymore" +16593,2,What kind of motor oil does Darth Vader use? Sithetic. +16594,0,Why did the big helicopters never let the little helicopter fly by himself? Because they were helicopter parents. +16595,1,"At a school dance... ...after a couple upbeat songs played many of the dancing students worked up quite a thirst. A line began forming by those waiting to reach the punch bowl. A late comer joins the end of the line and curiously peaks ahead of it while inquiring to those ahead of him, ""is this the punch line?""" +16596,0,"My old teacher once told me, ""Never judge a book by its cover... ...unless that book is heroin.""" +16597,3,'No one likes this' Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'. +16598,0,"A guy walks into a petshop and asks the price of a parrot nearby -Excuse me, how much is it? -10000, sir. -Why is it so expensive? -He knows 300 words and knows the basic grammars sir. Then notices another one a bit farther -And how much is this one? -It's 20000 sir -And why is it even more expensive? -He also knows 300 words, but speaks them all in both English and French -And how about this one? Points another one -That's 50000 sir which is the youngest one here and already knows 500 words and speaks them in Chineese, Arabic and four other languages. The guy is amazed and after looking around for a bit more, he notices another parrot hanged top of the place and ask -How much is that one? -That's the most expensive one sir, 100000 -Jesus, and what's so special about it? -Well, he's not really talkative, but the other three call him master. " +16599,0,What do you get when you cross Barry Allen and a trench coat? The Flash. +16600,1,"I once knew a girl in college named Emily.... Emily had a terrible fear of bee's and couldn't stand to be around them. All of her friends made fun of her for her fear, so Emily wanted to get over it as soon as possible. After class one day she met Dat, a Chinese foreign exchange student who happened to be a bee keeper, and Emily got to thinking. I mean, what could be a better way to get over a fear of bees than to date someone who's job it is to be around them all day? After their first date, Emily soon learned that Dat didn't speak English that well. It was beyond just him not being able to pronounce certain words, but not understanding slang either. Dat constantly referred to his penis as ""his feeling"". To me it was hilarious. Fast forward 6 months; Emily and Dat are hitting it off pretty well. Emily invited Dat over to her dorm room for a little ""adult time"" one summer evening and left the window wide open. As luck would have it a bee made its way in to the room as Emily had her hand down Dat's Pants. Seeing the bee and reverting to her older ways, Emily immediately started freaking out. Dat then spoke up and said ""Don't stop! Bee Leavin! Hold on to Dat feeling!"" TL:DR Journey pun" +16601,2,If you dont see a repost on the front page of r/jokes It means it's your turn +16602,5,What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk? Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing +16603,1,Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport? It's almost like they do it on porpoise. I'm sorry I made it up +16604,1,"When I went away to college my grandmother gave me a brand new bible. Well I didn't really want a bible. I needed money but I said thank you all the same and went away to college. I was having a great time but was burning through money very quickly. I called my grandmother and said ""grandma I love it here a college but I'm going to need more cash to stay."" She said ""have you opened your bible?"" Of course I hadn't but I said ""of course grandma I pray every night."" ""Good"" she said and hung up the phone. A couple months later I really was in desperate need of cash. I called my grandma again. ""Grandma I have excellent grades and I'm loving college but I will have to drop out if I don't get some money."" She said ""Are you sure you are READING your bible?"" Again I lied and said ""of course grandma."" ""Good"" she said and hung up. I finally ran out of money and had to drop out. I called my grandma and said ""Hey! I have to drop out now because you did not send me any money!"" She said ""you really should read your bible"" and hung up the phone. I finally opened the bible and sure enough right on the inside... in my grandmother's handwriting... it said "" Fuck you""" +16605,1,What do you call a singing computer? A dell +16606,5,"A man was stopped for speeding A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of his appearance, and told the man he was free to go. The man thanked the officer politely and wished him a good day. Since the man had been so pleasant to deal with, unlike many of the people he stopped, the officer asked the man what his job was. ""Oh, I'm a rectum stretcher"". The officer looked puzzled, so the man explained. He said, ""We take the rectum from a freshly deceased horse, and carefully stretch it out using a proprietary process and chemicals. We stretch them out to various sizes, foot long, yard long, and we even have a process to stretch them as much as six feet"". The officer gave him a confused look and asked, ""What do you do with a six foot horse rectum?"" The man started his car as he replied, ""Give him a radar gun and stick him on an overpass"", then drove away. " +16607,8,I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy. [FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif) +16608,0,"Santa decided to study for the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his friends came home. Friend: Santa, how is your MBA preparation? Santa: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic. Friend: Logic is very easy. Santa: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand? Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house? Santa: YES. Friend: Logically, there will be water in it. Santa: YES. Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it. Santa: YES. Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish. Santa: YES. Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish. Santa: YES. Friend: so, logically, your are married. Santa: YES. Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual. Santa was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Banta who was also preparing for MBA. Santa: How is your MBA preparation? Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic. Santa: Oh, logic is easy. Banta: Please, give me an example. Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house? Banta: NO, I don't. Santa: Oh my God! That means you're gay!" +16609,0,"A guy goes to a costume party wearing only jeans. The host walks up to him and asks: ""Who are you supposed to be?"" The man responds: ""I'm premature ejaculation man!"" The host then asks: ""So then why are you wearing that?"" The man says: ""I just came in my jeans!""" +16610,0,"Communist Pick Up Line Hey Girl, Can I seize your means of reproduction?" +16611,5,There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town They are most likely going to face time +16612,7,"Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category? Ans: (First, change the above term ""wife"" to ""traffic"" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob." +16613,6,"Masturbating An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, ""What are you doing father?"" ""It's called masturbating,"" the priest replied. ""You'll be doing this soon."" ""Why father?"" he asked. ""Because my wrist is killing me,"" the priest replied. " +16614,0,Why did the chef cook warsaw Because it wasraw +16615,2,"A man gets his favorite's sports team hat stolen... Angry and in a fuss, he stomps around his living wondering who took it. He loves his team and he misses his hat. So he hatches a plan. ""I know, ill go to church, during sermon ill sneak to coat check. For sure someone is gonna have the same hat and i'll just take it. Ya that'll show em!"" He arrives at church and sits through the sermon without ever finding his oppurtunity to strike. Skip some time ahead when everyones left church, the priest sees the man sitting alone, head down in one of the rows of seats. Priest: ""whats wrong my son"" Man: ""i must confess, i came here angry with the intentions of stealing someone's hat, but after your sermon i felt silly and came to reason"" Priest ""was it when i was talking about not coveting your neighbours goods? Man ""no no... its when you talked about adultery... it dawned on me where i left my hat""" +16616,1,"A man walks into a pub Ok, first he gets hit by a bus, THEN he walks into the pub..." +16617,0,The CEO of Berkshire Hathaway should open a diner. And call it Warren's Buffet. +16618,1,Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany? Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy! +16619,4,What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing- they were both stuck up bitches. +16620,3,"I said to my gym instructor, ""Can you teach me how to do the splits?"" He said: ""Well how flexible are you?"" I said: ""I can’t make Tuesdays"" (by Tim Vine)" +16621,0,"A couple drove down a country A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ""Relatives of yours?"" ""Yep,"" the wife replied, ""in-laws.""" +16622,1,I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power. +16623,2,My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want +16624,2,"A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go. He couldn't charge it with anything." +16625,0,Two peanuts walk into a bar... And one was a salted. +16626,2,"Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, ""You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."" The second cannibal asks, ""What kind of Missionary do you use?"" The other replied, ""You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."" ""Ah, ah!"" the second cannibal replies. ""No wonder...those are friars!""" +16627,4,"When the restaurant is full I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place where to sit... I took out my mobile, Placed it to my ear and said loudly- ""Bro come fast, she's here with someone else... Six couples ran away... " +16628,0,What does a muslim say when he makes a mistake? Allahu Mybad +16629,2,Today I had an out of body experience I was beside myself +16630,2,What did Earth say to other planets? Get a life. +16631,0,Good Bad Worse Worst Good: You're jerking off in bed. Bad: Your mom catches you. Worse: She helps finish you off. Worst: You enjoyed it. +16632,1,What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair +16633,5,"Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?" +16634,4,"Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'? Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million? Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million? Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million? Elder Son: Why not ? Imagine what I could do with that money! Father turns to his younger son: You see son, 'Hypothetically' we're sitting with 3 millionares but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes & 1 gay Bastard !" +16635,0,What did the straight Spanish guy say to tell people he is homeless? No home-o +16636,1,I'm a chick magnet But we always tend to have the same pole facing each other. +16637,5,"Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate... ""Mrs. Clinton,"" the Moderator asks, ""What is your plan to lower the national debt?"" Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself. ""Hey!"" Trump interrupts, ""Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??""" +16638,0,How do chemists spice things up? They do it periodically on the table. +16639,2,Moses was centuries ahead of his time He was the first to realise you need a tablet to connect to the cloud. +16640,0,Star Wars VII: The force awakens Star Wars VIII: The force gets out of bed Star Wars IX: The force eats breakfast +16641,2,It's innapropriate to make dad jokes if you're not a father It's a faux pa +16642,0,I like to jerk off to fairy tales I'm jackin the beefstock +16643,3,Two whales are swimming in the ocean. The first whale goes AAAAAAAOOOOORRRRRRUUUAAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNGHHH The second whale says FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FRANK SHUT THE FUCK UP +16644,0,I always leave an escape clause in my wedding vows Until death do we part. +16645,0,"I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone." +16646,0,"An engineer walked into a bar ...went to the counter and started looking for mocktails. The bartender says ""sorry, we don't serve virgins here""" +16647,0,So John Cena was at the Hilton today where I was volunteering But I could not see him... +16648,1,A homeless man and his wife got married in a Laundromat. Where did he take her when she wanted a divorce? He took her to the cleaners +16649,0,What is a Belarusian's favorite dessert? A Minsk pie. +16650,1,What's the difference between Kathleen Wynne and a dumpster fire? A dumpster fire produces affordable light and heat. +16651,1,"If you were 8 years old when ""red, red wine"" was released.. UB40 now" +16652,0,"TIFU while trying to write a joke Ok so it wasn't today, it was 10 years ago." +16653,4,"During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general. They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. ""I'm never gonna talk"" he says ""we'll see"" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and tie his hands behind his back and he says ""I will never talk"" the torturers say ""We'll see"". After another six hours of torture the Japanese general confesses everything he knows. They throw him back into the cell and take the italian general. They tie his hands behind his back and the Italian says ""I'll never talk"" the torturers again say ""We'll see"" after six hours of torture the italian general still doesn't talk so they throw hin back into the cell saying ""You'll talk tomorrow"" The german and the Japanese generals are impressed and ask ""How did you do it, how did you not talk?"" The Italian then responds ""how am I supposed to talk with my hands tied behind my back.""" +16654,0,And this just in: Melania has solved the shithole problem... Anal bleaching. +16655,0,"Little kid runs into the bathroom Runs in to find his mother naked in the shower. Noticing the area between her legs he asks what that is His mother explains ""That's where Daddy was chopping some wood and he accidentally injured mummy Kid replies ""Great shot - got you right in the cunt!""" +16656,0,My dad went to Vietnam He single-handedly shot and killed 32 north vietnamese. Next year we're going on vacation somewhere else. Edit: spelling +16657,2,"A guy walks into a car part store... He says to the man behind the counter, ""I need a gas cap for a Geo Metro."" The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and then says, ""I think that's a fair trade.""" +16658,2,"Johnny and his Bugs While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, ""No honey for you for one month!"" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. ""That's it! No butter for you for one month!"" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, ""Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?""" +16659,0,"A old man asked Stevie Wonder to play a jazz cord at his concert When Stevie played a simple jazz cord, the old man said. No, stevie A JAZZ CHORD. Stevie Wonder in amusement at his music knowledge played a more complex jazz chord. At the end of it he was met with the same answer as before. Stevie Wonder in confusion and bewilderment at the old man's repeated request ,invited him up on stage to demonstrate exactly what he meant. The old man took the mike and said "" A Jazz chord to say I love you"" Edit: spelling cord to chords" +16660,1,"I'll always remember my Grandads last words before he kicked the bucket. He said ""Hey, watch me kick this bucket""" +16661,0,What did the hungry Jewish family say when they saw breakfast? We have a latke to be thankful for. +16662,2,If being a 23 year old Norwegian swimwear model has taught me anything It’s that catfishing is surprisingly easy online +16663,2,"So, the organs of the digestive system were having a discussion over which organ was the best... The mouth says:""I think I'm the best, because I can cut up food to small pieces with my sharp teeth,"" the oesophagus says:""But I think I'm the best, because I'm so muscular,"" the stomach says: ""Well I think I'm the best, because I kill bacteria and break down food with my acid."" The large intestine suddenly shouts ""I get it, I got a shitty job, ok?"" Small intestine snickers, and mutters "" He hate us, cause he anus"" " +16664,3,"Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight.""" +16665,2,"I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005. I logged into MySpace for the first time since 2005. It was full of private messages from women who wanted to ""Blockbuster and Chill""." +16666,1,"A duck walks into a pub A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, ""hang on you're a duck."" ""I see your eyes are working,"" replies the duck. ""And you can talk!"" exclaims the barman. ""I see your ears are working too"" says the duck. ""Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"" ""Certainly, sorry about that,"" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. ""It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"" ""I'm working on the building site across the road,"" explains the duck. ""I'm a plasterer."" The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him ""You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"" ""Sounds marvelous,"" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ""Get him to give me a call."" So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ""Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."" ""I'm always looking for the next job,"" Says the duck. ""Where is it?"" ""At the circus,"" says the barman. ""The circus"" repeats the duck. ""That's right,"" replies the barman. ""The circus?"" the duck asks again. With the big tent?"" ""Yeah,"" the barman replies. ""With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"" says the duck. ""Of course,"" the barman replies. ""And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?"" persists the duck. ""That's right!"" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says....... ""What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?""" +16667,5,Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well. +16668,0,What do you call a pretty song written about an African desert? A Saharanade. +16669,1,"Why was the baby drop of ink crying? Because his mom was in the pen, and he didn't know how long her sentence was." +16670,0,A man walked into a bar... Oomph! +16671,2,I loved last summer in Milwaukee. I think it was a Tuesday. +16672,0,Officer why did you shoot me? I don't know +16673,2,"A Priest and Rabbi walk by a young boy. A Priest and Rabbi walk by a young boy... The Priest asks the Rabbi, ""Should we fuck him?"" The Rabbi replies, ""Out of what?""" +16674,2,A man like me is hard to find. I trim maze hedges. +16675,0,Did you know timing is the secret of great comedy. ....... Ah...... I fucked it up! +16676,7,"A priest, rabbi, and a preacher are all on a sinking ship Rabbi: we have to get off the ship! Preacher: we have to save the kids first! Rabbi: fuck the kids! Priest: do we have time? " +16677,1,How did the lacrosse player cross the road? He used lacrosse walk! +16678,0,"When life gives you lemons... stop pretending anyone gave you anything, 'cause it's never gonna happen." +16679,0,What do you call a high-grossing movie about cops? A blackbuster. +16680,3,"Two Drunk Englishmen ...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks. The first Englishmen points to the dog and says ""I wish I could do that"" The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says ""I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!""" +16681,0,What's the best way to appear intelligent on a first date? Date a child. +16682,0,What do you call a shitty cashier at a grocery store? Apu. +16683,8,"Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis Doctor: Why? Me: \\*Screams\\*" +16684,1,What’s Irish and left outside all winter? Patty’O Furniture +16685,0,What's best about fucking twenty four year olds? There are twenty of them. +16686,1,My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife's face. +16687,3,"how time flys A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her. ———————————————————————— Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls. ——————————————————————— Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids. ———————————————————————— Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants. ———————————————————————— Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol. ———————————————————————— Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special. ———————————————————————— Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible. ———————————————————————— Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before." +16688,0,What did the judge say when he finally got to the witch trial? Immolate. +16689,0,What type of matter can be both a solid and a liquid? Fecal matter It can also be plasma if you poop on the sun....can also be a gas if you fart. Also can be dinner if your hungry. +16690,2,"My teacher made a joke about premature babies ""too soon"", I said." +16691,5,I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now. But they keep insisting that I call them my parents. +16692,1,What did the lesbian pirate say? Scissor me timbers! +16693,2,"I was on an airline a couple weeks ago I guess the pilot had forgotten to turn of the PA system, and said aloud on the speaker ""damn, I could really go for a blowjob and a coffee right about now"" A flight attendant ran past me heading to the cockpit and the guy next to me said ""excuse me miss, I think you forgot his coffee!""" +16694,2,Why was 8 scared of 7? Because 7 was a 6 offender. +16695,4,Whats the best way to castrate a priest? Kick the alter boy in the chin +16696,0,"I was planning to go out one Saturday night... ...and I wanted to look my best, so the day before I wrote myself a reminder: iron shirt. Come Saturday, I'd totally forgotten what that note meant. Anyway, long story short, I looked fantastic when I hit the town in a suit of armour." +16697,1,"A young newlywed couple... Were on their way home after the ceremony when the mule pulling their cart suddenly stopped. The man got off the cart, looked the mule in the eye and said, ""That's one!"" The mule continued on a short way only to suddenly stop again. Once again the man got down, looked the mule in the eye and said, ""That's two!"" They continued on, but after a short while the mule stopped again. The man got down, looked the mule in the eye and said, ""That's three!"" Pulled a pistol and shot it right in the head. The wife jumped down and started screaming at her husband asking why he would do such a thing and how they would get home now. The man looked her in the eye and said, ""That's one!""" +16698,0,What do you call a gay pokemon? Ho-Mo +16699,2,"Only if I had a dollar, every time a girl found me unattractive Soon enough, they will start finding me attractive" +16700,2,"Heard a joke once Man goes to doctor, says he's depressed. Life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in threatening world. Doctor says treatment is simple. ""The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."" Man bursts into tears. ""But doctor,"" he says. ""I am Pagliacci."" ​ Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. " +16701,1,"A father sits down with his 10 year old son to talk to him about the birds and the bees. He says, ""Son, I think it's about time I told you about the birds and the bees. When a man and a wom..."" The son cuts his dad off mid-sentence and says, ""I already know about sex, dad."" Feeling both outraged and relived the dad asks, ""Who told you?"" The son replies, ""Father McKinney, after mass."" ""Well, how much do you know?"" And the son says ""We just went over the ins and outs.""" +16702,3,"God boomed, ""Adam, this is Eve. You are to love her forever!"" Adam replied, ""Okay, but who is he?"" God shrugged, ""Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here.""" +16703,2,The sexual position “reverse cowgirl” has been outlawed in West Virginia. They claim turning your back on family is very insulting. +16704,0,"Two married snakes go to a marriage counselor... The counselor says “So there appears to be a problem with your sex life, correct?” The wife says “Yeah, we’ve been having problems in the bedroom and it’s getting in the way of our marriage” The husband bitterly replies “Don’t put this all on me, you’re shedding and it makes everything harder because I have to take off your clothes AND your skin. It’s hard.” After hearing this the wife gets very defensive and gives her husband “the eyes” before telling the therapist, “Yeah but thats the only hard thing in this relationship, he can’t have sex because he has ereptile dysfunction”" +16705,3,"I met a hot 50 y/o woman at a bar last night She looked too fuckin good for a 50 y/o lady. I talked to her and drank some beers, and she asked if I've had a ""Sportsman's double"" before. ""What's that?"" I asked and she replied it's a mother and daughter threesome. As my mind began to embrace the idea, I began wondering how hot her daughter is and said ""No, I haven't"". Then we drank a bit more and she winked at me saying ""tonight's your lucky night"". We went back to her place. She walked in. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, ""Mom... you still awake?""" +16706,0,"Today I gave my phone, watch, and money to a poor man You can't begin to imagine the joy I felt as saw him stuff his gun back into his waistband " +16707,0,What do you call a fortune teller from the Middle East? A tarotrist. +16708,0,"A farmer's wife tells her husband about a sign she saw in town. ""Horse for sale"" A farmer's wife tells her husband about a sign she saw in town. ""Horse for sale"" ""Listen, I need you to go to town and check on this. It would be pointless for us to get one if it can't handle the load. Give it a quick ride to make sure it's broken in, then offer a fair price."" The man leaves for town and doesn't return till nightfall. ""You've been gone all day and didn't even buy it?! What happened?"" ""Well, I did like you said and made sure it was broken in. The first one bit me, the second cost too much, but the third seemed like a keeper. That didn't matter too much, cause none of them were for sale in the first place."" ""How can that be? I saw the sign."" ""I don't know what sign you saw, but all these whores were for rent.""" +16709,2,If you sell your Xbox or PS4... Does that make you inconsolable? +16710,7,Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong... I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat. +16711,0,A snail walks up to a house.. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ +16712,0,Where do mathematicians swim? Indices. +16713,2,When do cows go to sleep? Pasture bedtime. +16714,0,"What do you get when you cross BK with KFC? Home of the whopper, it's finger lickin' good" +16715,4,"A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ""What's up?"" he says. ""I'm having a heart attack,"" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,""Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard,"" says the husband,""my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”" +16716,2,Just recently I have bought a toilet brush. Didn't like it and switched back to toilet paper. +16717,2,I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her. The screen has a massive crack in it. +16718,0,"A sex offender is re-arrested on suspicion of abusing a dog at a veterinary clinic. The police investigator accosts him in interrogation: ""You already had a 20-year prison sentence for sexual abuse of a minor. How could you be so disgusting and callous as to abuse a defenseless dog?!"" The offender: ""I'm telling you I didn't do it! Dogs have way too much hair for me!""" +16719,0,"How can you tell when a politician is lying? If the US is any indication, you can't." +16720,1,"With Matthew McConaughey Rumored as Two Face, How Will They Show His Burns? I hope it's all right, all right, all right" +16721,1,What's the difference between a pool table and a room full of dead prostitutes? I don't have a pool table in my basement. +16722,1,I always smoke after sex. Thanks to my uncle I've been hooked since the age of 6. +16723,2,My boyfriend wants to do doggy style. He's been on my ass about it all day. +16724,0,"A restaurant advertises that they have any meat you can name, and if you don’t, they’ll give you a free meal So a man and his wife walk in and ask for two elephant meat sandwiches. The waitress says “I’ll be right out with that” and walks into the kitchen. She walks out empty handed and approaches the table and informs the couple that they can’t fulfill their order. “I knew you didn’t have every meat” says the man, to which the waitress replies “Well sir, it’s 10:30 and the chef would really prefer not to start another elephant.”" +16725,3,"Superman was feeling super horny when all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude. He goes at the speed of light, fucks her and flies off, without Wonder Woman even realizing. Invisible Man gets up off Wonder Woman and says ""All of a sudden my ass really hurts!""" +16726,3,"Grapes are so predictable at poker Eventually, they all end up raisin" +16727,0,Whats the most dangerous type of insect? hepatitis bee +16728,1,What Did The Fan Say To The Heater? You're Hot +16729,1,What do people in Vietnam call Donald Trump? Agent orange +16730,2,"Early One Morning Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still. When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill. It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay. That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away. It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun. It seemed his very song, brought out the morning sun. I pulled back the covers, and crept slowly out of bed, and gently shut the window, and crushed his head. I'm not a morning person " +16731,4,There is a fine line between numerator and denominator Only a fraction of people find this funny +16732,0,So a fashionable rainbow drinker took up a career in basketball... she was the Sylph Of Space Jam +16733,5,I'm emotionally constipated I haven't given a shit in days +16734,0,"I'm terrified of running into a knight before my morning coffee Because until I have my coffee, I'm draggin'." +16735,3,"I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat... but now I'm cured." +16736,0,What's the difference between your mom and my mom? Your mom still sucks my dad's dick +16737,1,"A Chinese Doctor and a Lawyer A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Chinese: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."" Lawyer: ""Ugh. this is kerosene."" Chinese: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."" The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: ""I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."" Chinese: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."" Lawyer (annoyed): ""This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."" Chinese: ""Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."" The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: ""My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."" Chinese: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."" Lawyer (staring at the note): ""But this is $20, not $100!!"" Chinese: ""Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"" Edit: added spacing" +16738,3,"If somebody gives me one point, that's fine. But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line." +16739,0,There’s a new help group for those who suffer from Chron’s disease or IBS who want to learn to knit or crochet… It’s call “I shit you knot” +16740,3,"NSFW A Trip to the Dentist A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69. After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend that he needs to leave to go to the dentist. Before he leaves, he runs to the bathroom and brushes teeth, flosses, and uses mouthwash. He repeats that cycle of few times just to be sure his breath doesn't smell like straight up pink taco. When he arrives at the dentist, the man notices that dentist keeps making strange faces. Finally, in a moment of pure awkwardness, the dentist asks the man ""Sir, have you been 69ing?"". The man, shocked that the dentist could tell, stutters out ""Y-y-yea doc, how'd you know? My breath smell like pussy?"" The dentist replies ""No sir, your forehead smells like shit""" +16741,1,Someone tried so sell me silver; It was agonizing. +16742,1,What have 70 teeths and 2 eyes? -An alligator. Now what have 2 teeths and 70 eyes? -A retirement home. +16743,1,What do you call it when you die from smoking pot? Highway to Heaven. +16744,1,Did you know Keanu Reeves did fetish work before he was famous? He went by Peeonyou Reeves +16745,0,"Today, I went to a spa that used melted cheese (Of course not hot) to treat my skin. And I got to say. I felt _grate_ after! " +16746,2,"I saw this guy flirting with a cheetah I thought to myself, he’s trying to pull a fast one " +16747,0,"How do people with a PHD get a free day off of work? They write themselves a doctor note (some shitty oc for ya'll) edit: okay not oc but not repost, i need dat karma to feed kids" +16748,2,"Barack Obama dies and goes to hell......... Satan is already waiting for him. 'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take. 'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Obama. Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while. 'Oh, no,' says Obama. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.' Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer. 'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.' So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Obama stares at the scene with a wide smile and says: 'Ah, that I could endure!' 'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'" +16749,0,"What did the $20 bill say to the bank teller? ""I just want to be alone!""" +16750,4,"A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass. His condition was listed as ""stable""." +16751,0,"What do you call lettuce that has been frozen? An ""Ice""burg lettuce" +16752,0,What causes all the noise in a graveyard? Coffin +16753,2,What's the difference between a joke and three dicks ? Your mom can't take a joke +16754,0,Boss: Screw in these light bulbs Worker: Where do I find screws? And how do I even put screws in the bulbs? ​ ​ +16755,0,My accountant friend's dad just bought him a new car for graduating college I'm sure he really depreciates it. +16756,0,"MARTY CONE President Trump was to give a speech in front of Latino groups, he was being yelled at and heckled for almost 5 minutes. He raises his arms and the groups calm down. The president says, 'Again, my name is Donald Trump, why do you keep calling me Marty Cone?""" +16757,1,Did you hear about that girl from Boston who got in trouble for being a bad dancer? She told her parents that she was an erratic dancer. +16758,0,"Donald Trump has it all. A golden penthouse, a golden toilet, and now a golden shower." +16759,0,Why do cows hit the gym? To be a buffellow. +16760,0,"Little Amy wrote a letter to Santa with the best handwriting a 6 year old could have. Dear Amy, Thanks for the letter! I think you meant to spell Santa, but don't worry my child, I'll show you I am way better than that fat, self-righteous, cookie gobbling old man. As proof of that I've brought you a special gift. I hope you like it. He's not exactly what you'd expect, but I hope you understand that I have limited resources to work with down here. Enjoy your gift...Merry Christmas! Yours Truly, Lucifer :)" +16761,0,"Diving suit (long) It was 2 months before Jimmy's 5th birthday and his mother asked him what he would like to have most for his birthday? Jimmy thought about it for a second and said: ""a pink diving suit"". His parents didn't want to give him a pink diving suit for his birthday, so they bought him a nice green bicycle. Jimmy, being a little disappointed for not getting his pink suit rode his green bicycle all year long around the house until his 6th birthday was approaching... Again, his mother asked him what he wanted for his birthday and Jimmy again asked for a pink diving suit. Again, his parents didn't want to give him a pink diving suit and instead gave him a quad bike. And again, Jimmy drove his quad bike all year round the house... Now this pattern went on for a few years, with all kinds of different presents for Jimmy, but never his beloved pink diving suit. That is, until his 16th birthday. After all these years, his parents finally gave in and gave him his own pink diving suit. The next day Jimmy immediately tried out his new diving suit in the nearby lake. He went in the water, dived under and surfaced again somewhere in the middle of the lake, right next to a small boat with two man in it. Listening to the conversation in the boat, Jimmy heard one man say to the other: ""Now it's my turn to sit in the middle"". " +16762,1,Never trust an Atom They make up everything... +16763,2,Did you know that I can eat a rope and when it comes out the other end it will be tied? I shit you knot! +16764,2,"I before ""E"" except after ""C."" Weird." +16765,1,"A Day in the Life of a Cheerio One day in Cheerio City, an ordinary young Cheerio started his day. He decided to get a job. He was nearing his sell by date and figured it was time. There are three social classes in Cheerio City: the Regulars, the Wheats, and the Frosteds. The young Cheerio was simply a Regular and had little to no social power. The Wheat Cheerios around him all have average paying jobs and average families. The Frosteds Cheerios represent the 1% of the 1% of Cheerio City. The young Cheerio rarely caught glimpse of a Frosted Cheerio. On his search for a job, he finds a baby Frosted Cheerio rolling uncontrollably into the busy intetsection of Cheerio Street and Cheerio Avenue. He heroically saves the baby Cheerio from being flattened by a Cheeriomobile because he has a good personality and strong morals. The father of the baby was the Frosted CEO of Cheerio City Inc. He rolls over as fast as he could and sees that this young Regular Cheerio saved his baby even though he risked his own life doing it. The Frosted Cheerio promotes him to Wheat status and gives him a job as a secretary for his strong morals and good personality. Years later, the now middle aged Wheat Cheerio had worked hard for little pay but always kept a smile on his face because he has a good personality and strong morals. His withering boss decided that because of the Wheat Cheerio's dedication to Cheerio City Inc. that he would appoint him as the new CEO. The old Frosted Cheerio retired and elevated the Wheat Cheerio's status to Frosted and made him the new head of the Incorporation. Years later towards the end of the now elderly Frosted Cheerio's life, he took one last vacation to Cheerio Island to relax. Cheerio Island was very popular this time of year and there were many other Cheerios visiting. It was a very toasty day and everyone was parched. The Frosted Cheerio wanted some milk, but the milk lime was too long. Being a Frosted Cheerio, he could have cut to the front but he didn't because of his strong morals and good personality. So he moved on to the orange juice line, but it was also too long. Lastly, there was fruit punch. The Frosted Cheerio searched endlessly for the line, but there was no punch line." +16766,0,Why don't men wear banana hammocks to bed? Because 2 thongs don't make it right +16767,0,My dad told what the capital of Greece actually is. It's Fathens. +16768,0,How do you make something go viral? Herpes. +16769,0,What's the difference between 20 scallops and a baby? I've never eaten 20 scallops before +16770,0,Did you know police officer can also drive train? Copper is a good conductor. +16771,1,"We've all heard about Schrodinger's Cat, but have your heard about Schrodinger's Trap? It's gay and straight until you look." +16772,0,wHy did the Chicken cross the road???? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!! HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHSHAHSHSGG OH....ohh...ha haha HAHAHAHHA HAHAHAHAHAHABHAA +16773,2,What do you call it when a bisexual person shoots down flirtations from both men and women? A double bi-pass! +16774,0,Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ Too many cheetahs. +16775,0,When going to a furry convention... Everyone is game. +16776,0,"Have you ever tried beaver curry? It's just like regular curry, but a bit 'otter." +16777,4,What is the capital of Greece? More than the capital of the UK. +16778,0,A mushroom was refused entry at a night club. He was like why? I'm a fun guy. +16779,0,Want to know how to entertain an idiot click here Go back you went to far +16780,2,You’ll never be good at cooking... If you don’t put the thyme in +16781,0,Have you heard the stories of the freaky potato that would visit children in their rooms at night? Turns out it was actually creepy pasta. +16782,2,Don`t insult the French. They eat pain for breakfast. +16783,3,Why does a blonde put empty bottles in her fridge? For guests that aren't thirsty. +16784,10,The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped. +16785,0,“What’s your daughter’s name?” “Yanny. It’s pronounced Laurel but I like the unique spelling.” +16786,3,"I went on a camping trip with my wife, kids, and mother-in-law. At night, my wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to me, she insisted on trying to find her mother. I picked up my rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, we came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her. My wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” I said. “The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”" +16787,0,Stinky Stinky +16788,2,Where do drug dealers drink at? The Pablo Esco Bar. +16789,0,Which street does the police officer live in? Let's be Avenue +16790,1,Why did the sperm cross the road? Because someone put on the wrong socks. +16791,0,"Zen master visiting New York goes upto a hot dog stand. A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything.' The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. 'Excuse me, but where’s my change?' asks the Zen master. The vendor responds, 'Change must come from within." +16792,0,"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked which composer he wanted to play in a new movie? ""I'll be Mozart, because he was Austrian, like me.""" +16793,1,What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog +16794,4,"My grandfather's favorite joke. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where ya left it. [My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.] Edit: Sorry I am relatively new to reddit so I've added some brackets thanks guys! Edit 2:I decided to show my grandfather this, he LOVED IT he was smiling after I told him people from the Internet liked his joke. He was laughing at all your jokes too (especially the what do you call a dog with no legs one). Thanks guys, it means a lot. :)" +16795,1,Let’s dedicate a genre for doomsday Apocalypso! +16796,1,"What do you call a little person who just escaped prison, and is running down a flight of stairs? It's a little con-decending.." +16797,0,How do you make a gypsy take a bath Leave it in your front yard +16798,1,I just had a huge psychological breakthrough. I think I finally understand why I'm an alcoholic. Let's celebrate! Drinks are on me! +16799,4,What do you call a moose wearing a mask? Anonymoose +16800,3,How does a Jewish person make beer? Hebrew +16801,0,How did Gordan Ramsey like the steak John Cena served him It was fuckin' RAW +16802,0,There was a severed human nose found in the lake. Know who it belongs to? No body nose... +16803,0,They call it a rip tide for a reason... rest in peace +16804,3,"I completely agree with Brexit, I don't care what you guys say, Europe Union doesn't matter" +16805,1,How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard... Put him in the backyard +16806,1,What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want them? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEWWW +16807,1,"Going to school Mother: ""Did you enjoy your first day at school?"" Girl: ""First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? " +16808,1,"What’s a frat boy zebra’s favorite letter? Z, bruh." +16809,1,What do you call a cheery positive transformer? Optimistic Prime. +16810,1,What's the difference between a rapist and a Simpsons bartender? One's a molester and the other's Moe Lester! +16811,3,My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. +16812,0,"Did you hear the one about the female comedian who spoke against guns? Of course you did, because the Reich-wing loons have been spamming this site with their butthurt fee-fees about it for days." +16813,2,"What did the ocean say to the sky? I sea that you are looking blue. Wait, it's because of me, isn't it..." +16814,2,"A Priest goes to an Eskimo Eskimo being far out in the wild did not know about religion and god etc. Priest tells him about god , heaven , hell , good deeds and bad deeds etc etc. Then he says if you do bad things you will go to hell otherwise heaven. Eskimo: Ok, But I have already done some bad things, So will I be going to hell. Priest: Since you did not know about all this, It is fine, you will go to heaven if you do good things from now on. . . . Eskimo : Then why the fuck did you tell me about all this?" +16815,0,"A 10 year old finds his older brother's banter annoying A 10 year old named Joe is getting annoyed from the banter coming from his older teenage brother, Derek. Joe: For the love of god, stop yelling ""Yee Boi"" please. How long have you been bloody saying it for! Derek: About a year boy! " +16816,3,"Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, ""I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!"" and rides off. " +16817,0,"Two fish want to move in together Somewhere in the sea, there are two fish who love each other very much. Bernice and Ben. Bernice finally says, “Ben, I love you so much. I want us to move in together. I want to feel like it’s official.” Ben loves this idea, but due to his low paying job as a Piercing Remover, he can’t afford anything big. He continues his search to find an affordable and small home, and stumbles upon a nice and cozy shaped hole in a rock. He says to himself, “This is perfect!” The next day, Ben brings Bernice to show her the beautiful hole he has selected. He proceeds to say, “We’re moving in together! It’s official”" +16818,4,Why I haven't lost my virginity? Because I never lose. +16819,0,How many Aggies does it take to build a bonfire? It's like dividing by zero....it can't be done! +16820,0,What's a conspiracy theorist's favorite hobby? Sheeple watching. +16821,10,"What do the testicles of a priest look like? Silly question, every child knows that." +16822,3,I like hunting with my vampire friends. It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones. +16823,0,What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? Dingo Starr! +16824,3,"Wanna hear a physics pun? If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?" +16825,5,"A priest is walking through town at his new parish Suddenly a hooker approaches him & says, ""Blowjobs for $20 if you're interested"". Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church. He sees one of the nuns and asks her, ""Sister, what's a blowjob?"" She replies, ""$20. Same as in town""." +16826,1,"Two dead drunk guys... walk out of a bar and walking around one of them point at a huge apartment block and says "" I bet every woman in that building is currently menstruating"". The other guys looks at the building and accepts the bet thinking that he cant lose. The two men walk into the building and on the first floor ring the bell. A big man open the door and the men ask him if his wife is menstruating, the man perplexed asks them how did they know. So the men continue on and on every floor get the same answer until they reach the last floor. A father and his daughter live there and the father opens the door. The man as usual ask him if his daughter is mensturating. The father shocked quickly starts wiping his mouth and ask the men "" Can u still see it"". " +16827,2,Why are there so many doctors in India? Because about 20 million people are Sikh. +16828,0,A man walks into a bar.. Ouch +16829,3,What’s the difference between a rooster and a nymphomaniac? The rooster says “cock-a-doddle-doo”. The nymphomaniac says “any-cock-‘ll-do” +16830,2,"What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches." +16831,2,"A man moves out to the countryside. A man moves out to the countryside from the big city. While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself. The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves. These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until one day the neighbor says: Neighbor: “hey I’m having a little party tonight if you want to stop by.” “Sure, sounds fun. What time?” “Oh around 9 or so. There will be lots of drinking, probably some fighting, and if we’re lucky, maybe even some sex too!!” “Wow sounds like a blast, who’s going to be there?” “Oh just me, you and maybe hank from down the road”" +16832,0,"What is the difference between a blonde and a boxer? A boxer stands up to get knocked down, a blonde lies down to get knocked up" +16833,0,What did the Redneck say to the Muslim? Dey took R jobs! +16834,0,Why should you care about saving? It's in your best interest. +16835,0,I don’t like jokes about grammar Nazi’s Theirs never a good punchline +16836,0,My mother said jokes are like giving birth. It's all in the delivery. +16837,0,"A joke my grandpa made last night ""Your generation sucks.""" +16838,1,I dated a miner once She was a gold digger. +16839,1,Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making? It's kinda like a cab but not quite. +16840,2,"Sweetheart I have something to tell you. Wife: What is it, honey ? Husband: I ..... I got another woman pregnant. Wife: Goddammit. Husband: I know... Wife: I hate that joke but I'm proud of your work as a fertility doctor!" +16841,3,What does the Tickle-Me Elmo get before he leaves the factory? Two test-tickles... +16842,1,"(Long) Plastic surgery frequent flyer A plastic surgery frequent flyer goes in for a face lift. Her doctor tells her of a new procedure, a knob, that can be discreetly installed on the back of her head and anytime she feels her skin needs tightening, she can just give it a twist and it will pull everything tight. She agrees and after surgery, leaves the office. After several months of using the knew knob successfully, she's noticed a few side effects that weren't mentioned by her doctor. She tells her dr, ""Doc, I have these terrible bags under my eyes that just will not go away. No amount of turning this knob helps these bags!"" The dr examines her and says ""well, those aren't bags under your eyes. Those are your breasts. You've turned that knob so many times, you've pulled your breasts right up to your eyes!"" The lady ponders this and says ""so, I guess that explains the new goatee.""" +16843,2,"I was once afflicted with with a terrible bout of dry mouth... The doctors could do nothing to help and my future was looking dim. My food had long since been rendered flavorless and eating became a chore, until I met a man who said he was sent by god to cure my ailment. I was skeptical but desperate, willing to try anything. I asked him ""How much?"" and he replied, ""Nothing more than a bit of faith."" I had long since given up religion but I took him up on the offer, after all it was a small price to pay for salavation" +16844,3,How to pick up a girl Me: Are you interested in having the best sex of your life? Her: No. Me: Well then you came to the right place ;) +16845,0,today's generation that's the type we need our kindergarten +16846,0,To all the virgins of Reddit Thanks for nuthin +16847,1,If lazyness was an olympic sport I would not have have signed up for it. Too much hazzle +16848,5,Today 10 girls asked me to go out I was in a women's bathroom. +16849,0,"A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother." +16850,0,Do you want to hear a joke about silence? .. .... ....... .. Pretty funny right? +16851,2,What's the difference between yogurt and America? Yogurt could develop a culture after 200 years +16852,0,Whats another phrase for taking a shit? Bust a butt nut. +16853,2,I like self-deprecating jokes They are the only things I'm useful at +16854,5,Some people say I have my mom's eyes... but since they can't find them they've never been able to prove it in a court of law. +16855,5,It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniac [Wat](http://m.imgur.com/mSC9hv0) +16856,0,What do you call taking a poop at 765mph? A sonic boom boom +16857,2,"What's the best thing to say to a female soldier after sex? [Possibly NSFW] ""Thank you for your cervix.""" +16858,0,What happens to girls when they have too much secs? They become hours. +16859,2,What’s the difference between a good meal and a good time? Where you put the cucumber +16860,1,If PG&E goes through with the planned outage... ...then I guess we're powerless to stop them. +16861,3,"I used to know a girl from a nudist colony Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on her!" +16862,0,"Stalin ruled Russia with an iron fist... The arm of the law it was on, however, had a very hard time reaching us." +16863,2,Whats the difference between a Jew and a Boy Scout? The Boy Scout comes back from camp +16864,2,Do you know what today is? 10-4 good buddy. The joke is only good once a year so I might as well post it. +16865,0,What do you call a cartoon about constipation and diarrhea? The *Ir*regular Show! +16866,0,I have a really good friend named amir He was dating this woman and they were really hitting it off but then without a word she left him It was devastating. She broke amir. I hope she gets 8 years of bad luck +16867,4,What kind of bee makes milk? A boo-bee. +16868,1,What did 0 say to 1? You're turning me on! +16869,0,Do what you love People say “Do what makes you happy.” People also say “Do what you love.” Why the hell do people get mad at me when I do my daughter then. +16870,1,How did the seal find a date? He went clubbing. +16871,1,"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a robot that has to take an exam to become human. Doctor: Don't worry, it'll pass." +16872,0,Where do Latin prostitutes pick up customers? Taco John’s +16873,1,What do you get when you put together an insect and European royalty? Marie *Ant*oinette +16874,0,"[OC] There was once a world renowned chef who made the best dishes using herbs. He tried all kinds of revolutionary methods in an effort to create the ultimate pasta dish. He lived across from a neighbour who was a nun. She was notorious for scamming elderly people for church donations which she pocketed, but otherwise didn’t speak to him, so he kept his distance. One day, he realised he had created potentially the most decadent dish to have existed in the history of dishes. Gordon Ramsay would quit his career as a chef if he tasted this wonderful, exquisite masterpiece. It had all the right flavorsome notes: rosemary, garlic, ginger and a slight fruity taste. But there was one problem: he couldn’t figure out what he was missing. There was just one secret ingredient he needed, but he wasn’t sure what. He travelled to the coast of turkey and started his own organic sage farm. After six months, the farm had flourished into a successful business. He added the sage to his signature dish, but alas, it was not to be. In his disappointment, he shut down the farm and killed its workers by running them over with a tractor. One worker, however, survived, revealing another ingredient that could be used. “I promise you, find the ears of three cows raised by Dutch virgins in the Vaalserberg mountain range. They will be hidden in a cave away from the public eye, and they are the most sought after cows in the world.” The chef spent years and years cultivating a friendship with these virgins. He won their trust, and eventually, they revealed the location of the beloved cows. He experimented with the cows ears: smoking them with the ashes of cedarwood, slow roasting them in a state-of-the-art oven, having them kissed by the lips of Victoria’s Secret Angels. The dish looked magical. Delicious, crispy morsels of cow scattered on a bed of creamy pasta sprinkled with chives. In anticipation, the chef licked his lips. Slowly, he brought a spoon to his mouth, but a moment later, he fainted. “Disgusting!” He screamed as soon as he had awoken. In his rage, he killed the Dutch virgins. He burned down the forests and killed the Victoria’s Secret Angels. The following day, he awoke to incessant knocking on his door. Drained of energy, he begrudgingly opened the door to find his evil neighbour. “Good morning,” she said in a hoarse voice. “What do you want?” he snapped. “I came to offer you an ingredient I grow in my home. And free of charge.” “Why should I listen to you? I’ve spent millions of dollars trying to track down an ingredient. What makes you think whatever free pot plant you’ve got is going to help?” She shrugged. “It’s up to you. I will return at 7pm with the secret ingredient. It must be cooked in your kitchen.” At 7pm, after hours of indecision, the chef gave in and let the nun into his house. She unwrapped the secret ingredient as the chef waited with bated breath. But it was just thyme. “Thyme? THYME?! You think whatever store bought thyme is going to cut it?” he yelled. The nun shook her head. “Go on, try it.” He started up his stove and dumped the thyme into a pan and drizzled it with extra virgin olive oil. But after waiting for half an hour, the thyme wasn’t cooking. The oil hadn’t even warmed up. Infuriated, he pulled out his biggest butcher knife and killed the nun. Miraculously, the oil began to sizzle. And then it happened. The thyme released a fragrance akin to Johnny Depp’s body odor combined with the teardrops of Jesus. It was beyond heavenly. And the chef had finally completed his dream of mastering the best pasta dish in the world. The moral of the story: thyme fries when you’re stabbing nuns. Edit: hope you appreciate the joke which took me an hour to concoct" +16875,3,"A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." +16876,6,"I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness." +16877,5,The average person has sex 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve! +16878,3,"country drive One day, a man was driving down the road in the country. He looks over and sees a cute little pig in the field. He pulls over and picks up the pig. He is driving around town and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop says, ""What are you doing with that pig in the car?"" Driver says, ""Well I just founs the pig down the road in the field."" Cop says, ""I want you to take that pig to the zoo.!"" Driver says, ""Well alright"" Cop says, ""I mean it, you take that pig to the zoo"" So the next day, guy is driving around town and he still has the pig in the car and the cop sees him and pulls him over again and says, ""Hey, what are you doing! I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"" Driver says, ""Well I did take rhe pig to the zoo! We had such a good time, we are going to the ball game now!""" +16879,0,"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine.""" +16880,2,I accidentally played the wrong note during a piano recital It wasn't very sharp of me. +16881,0,"A John's toaster stops working and texts his friend Joe John: My toaster isn't working Joe: Is it plugged in? John: That was the problem, thanks. And John plugs the toaster to the nearest outlet to his shower and jumps in with it." +16882,0,What do robots take when they're sick? ROBO-tussin +16883,0,Why do religious people pray to god to give them a long life? Because they don't want god to prey upon them. +16884,0,Did you know Teresa May... ...came up with the idea for the last cabinet reshuffle while watching a BBC 1 programme on a Sunday evening? It was a countryfile. +16885,1,What do you call a hillbilly after he is all grown up? A mountain goat of course! +16886,1,What do you call a film about a slutty midget who goes to prison? The Short Skank Redemption +16887,7,Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall... Since no one can get the fuck over them. +16888,1,I like watching stepmom fantasy porn Because I get to pretend I have a family +16889,1,"Because of my social anxiety, I prefer to do things with very little people around me. It makes me feel better being taller than everyone else." +16890,2,What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. +16891,4,"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff. Baa-dum-tssss. " +16892,1,Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because he was stuck in some crack. +16893,0,An Australian man rang a radio help line Man: I'm on my honeymoon with my wife but theres a problem. Radio Host: Oh what is it mate. Man: My wife was stung be a wasp on the fanny. Radio Host: Oh bummer mate. Man: Cheers mate. *Hangs Up* +16894,8,"John was unable to choose between two girls... So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with. John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted. Gary: Then you should be with Edith. John: But I love Kate and could never leave her... Gary: Then you should stay with Kate. John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity! Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too." +16895,1,The average age to lose your virginity is 17. I'm finally well above average for something. +16896,1,(Joke from my 6 yo) Did you hear about the pony with a cough? He was a little hoarse. +16897,0,Why does dry cat food sell so much better than wet cat food? Most cats get pretty angry when they're wet. +16898,1,"So how is your SO? ""So-so.""" +16899,0,What do Child predators use to get dry skin off of their feet? A Pedofile +16900,3,"Did you know that if you put your ear to a strangers leg, you can actually hear... them yell ""WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?""" +16901,0,"My girlfriend and I have rough sex. It’s not violent, it's just poorly defined." +16902,0,Did you hear about that new jewish barista? Hebrews coffee +16903,2,I regret going to an emo barber. Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself. +16904,3,"Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but only had one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer. He said with much confidence, ""The pastor shot the buck!"" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. ""It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.""" +16905,0,"A woman sits in a diner. A cat comes in, buys a chocolate ice cream and leaves. A woman sits in a diner. A cat comes in, buys a chocolate ice cream and leaves. The woman is totally astonished, “Wow – that was unusual”. The diner manager agrees, “That’s right. She’s never asked for anything else but strawberry before.”" +16906,1,"Dad: How many dollars did you ask me, again? Son: 5! Dad: You want 120 dollars? You're out of your mind, son." +16907,3,"A man loses his eye in a car accident When he's in recovery, his doctor tells him he won't be able to regain his vision so he offers him his finest false eyes. However, due to the insurance cost and hospital bills, the man can only afford a wooden eye as a replacement. After a few weeks of adjusting to the wooden eye, he's feeling pretty confident so he goes out to a bar. As he sits down to drink, he spies a beautiful woman with a large nose from across the bar. With every ounce of courage he has he approaches the woman and says ""would you like to go on a date with me?"" ""Would I!?"" Replies the woman excitedly. ""Big nose!"" Shouts the man angrily and storms out of the bar." +16908,2,This job isn't for everyone But hay....it's in my jeans - The Scarecrow +16909,0,What's the square root of 69? ATE SOMETHING! +16910,2,What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Not much. It just gave a little whine. +16911,7,"A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain.. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop.. Because her husband speaks Spanish very well." +16912,1,It's not until a mosquito lands on your genitals... That you realize that not everything can be solved with violence. +16913,0,What is a small loan of a million dollars? Trump change +16914,0,"Bouncer at nightclub I went to a nightclub last night wearing jeans and a tshirt, the bouncer stopped me at the door and said ""sorry pal not dressed like that"". So i ran to my car and tied jumper cables around my neck. When I got back the bouncer said ""Alright go in but don't start anything.""" +16915,2,"A woman and a man are involved in a car accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man says, ""So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."" Flattered, the woman replied, ""Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"" ""This must be a sign from God!"" The man continued, ""And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."" Then he hands the bottle to the woman, The woman nods her head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, ""Aren't you having any?"" The man replies, ""No. I think I'll just wait for the police...""" +16916,1,Did you hear they canceled the bacon movie? apparently they couldn't secure the Wright's. +16917,4,What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand? Nut and bolt +16918,0,Health is wealth cause a fresher kidney costs more than an old one +16919,3,"April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims." +16920,1,Practice safe lunch Always use a condiment +16921,0,What happens when the Avengers are in trouble? They need to stay Loki for awhile +16922,1,Who was patient zero for AIDS? First-aid +16923,10,"Justice is a dish best served cold because... ...if it were served warm, it would be justwater." +16924,1,Wife asks: have you seen my broom? Husband replies: why? Are you going somewhere? +16925,2,I saw a squirrel pooping the other day. Shit's Nuts... +16926,5,"Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car that I'm driving." +16927,1,"I blame the Jews God descends to Earth to choose his people. He goes to the Gypsies: ""Do you want to be the chosen ones?"" ""We want, yes"" ""But I have to give you a command ..."" ""Give it to us,"" ""Do not steal anymore."" ""Thanks, bruh, we do not care"" ​ He goes to the Italians: ""Do you want to be the chosen people?"" ""We want it."" ""But I have to give you a command ..."" ""Give it to us."" ""Stop doing Bi orgies."" ""No thanks, we don't care"" ​ He goes to the Jews: ""Do you want to be the chosen people?"" ""Yes."" ""But I have to give you a command ..."" ""How much does it cost?"" ""Well, it costs nothing."" ""Give us 10!""" +16928,1,I thought the campsite orgy was going to be kind of boring... But it turned out to be fucking in tents. +16929,3,"An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes." +16930,2,Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. +16931,2,My walkman is in prison It was charged with battery +16932,3,"On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, ""This is for all my people"" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, ""This is for all my people"" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, ""This is for all my people"" and then throws the white guy off the roof." +16933,0,Why did Italy join World War 2? To get to the other side. +16934,0,"There are two types of people in the world,... People who are wooden and get climbed on and people who get words mixed up; I’m the ladder." +16935,0,I killed a spider with a bar of soap. It was a clean death. +16936,1,"I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night.. Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!" +16937,2,What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Guardians of the Galaxy. +16938,0,"Donald Duck and Daisy go to a hotel.. ...they start getting frisky and Daisy tells Donald to go down to the front desk and buy a condom. The lady working the desk gets a box of condom from underneath the counter and asks, ""Did you want this on your bill Mr. Duck?"", to which Donald replies, ""Are you crazy, are you trying to suffocate me?""" +16939,3,"What happens in the bomb shelter... There is a bombing, and the population has been invacuated into bomb shelters. In one such shelter, of an older make, there are no separate rooms and everyone there stays in one large room. It is late in the night, and everyone is lying on the floor, covered by blankets of all sorts, those provided in the shelter as well as any that some people have brought in on their person. In one corner of the shelter, there are two men, Jack and Mike, secretly a gay couple. Jack gets rather horny throughout the night and confesses to his partner that he'd love to have intercourse with him, and right now at that. Mike hisses back, ""Are you bleeding crazy? People will see us!"" Jack replies, ""No, no, they're all asleep. Look."" He rises up and asks loudly, ""Can anyone please spare an extra blanket for me?"". No answer. Laying back down, he says ""See, Mike? No issues."". So they go on with their 'business'. In the morning, someone finds an old man, who is trembling and not feeling well. After people manage to find out from him what's wrong, it turns out it was too cold for him that night. Someone asks him why he didn't ask for an extra blanket. ""How could I,"" replies the old man, still trembling, ""one young man asked for a blanket... and he was fucked all night long...""." +16940,2,"Thibodeaux had recently lost an eye and gotten it replaced with a wooden one. A few weeks later, he went on down to the bar where he noticed a lady with a prosthetic leg. Thibodeaux walked up to her and asked if she'd like to dance. She gasped and said, ""would i?"" Thibodeaux yelled back ""peg leg!""" +16941,0,I was up late last night watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks... ...We were the finalists in a cream cheese staring competition. +16942,0,Did you hear Chuck Norris has been shot? The bullet had severe internal injuries. +16943,1,What sound does a locomotive with fangs make? CHEW CHEW +16944,4,What's the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station. +16945,3,What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun? The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang. +16946,1,"In WWII the Partizans were running away from Germans. Germans were catching them, and tired Partizans decide to hide in the dry well which was deep enough so the Germans could not see them. Clever as they are, Germans thought of it and decided to check the well. One decides to shout in it and if theres echo they don't drop the grenade in it, if there is they move on. Partizans heard it and decided to repeat whatever the Germans say. So the Germans start: Helloooo!!! Partizans reply- Helloooooo!! Is there anyone down thereee! Is there anyone down thereee! Maybe they went to the woooods! Maybe they went to the woooods! Let's just drop the grenade, who cares! Maybe they just went to the woooods!" +16947,1,Whats another term for acid? Its on the tip of my tongue... +16948,2,"I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it The bread was kneadless, to say" +16949,6,"I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... ""Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?""" +16950,4,Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning. I’m lightning because I always come first +16951,0,Why are there more Mexicans in Berlin today than there were before? Because the wall came down. +16952,4,"A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year... A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies." +16953,3,"A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out... The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double. Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. POOF! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two. For his second wish, he wishes for a hundred million dollars. POOF! He has suddenly become the second richest person he knows, as sure enough, his ex wife is now the proud owner of two hundred million dollars. Annoyed and frustrated, and looking at his last wish, he thinks for a moment, with a stern frown upon his face. A moment later, he begins grinning, and looks at the genie, with the most evil look of delight that has ever crossed his face before saying “I wish you would beat me half to death” (Disclaimer: I didn’t make this joke up, though the wording is mostly mine, as it has been 20 years since I’ve told the joke, and likely 25 years since I first heard it.)" +16954,0,"It all depends on the narrator White people start their fairytales with ""Once upon a time..."" Black people start their fairytales with ""Y'all niggers ain't gonna believe this shit""" +16955,1,What do midwesterners call Minnesota? Minnepop. +16956,0,What do you call a blind old lady that always corrects your sentences? A grandma not see +16957,0,Why do Flat Earthers love IKEA so much? Because everything comes flat packed...... I'm sorry.. Sounded better in my head while I was taking a shower. +16958,2,"A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” " +16959,1,"TIL Charles XII once had an affair, about which Sabaton will be releasing a new single to celebrate the 20 years the band has been together Its called Carolus' ex" +16960,0,If you need a boat when it starts flooding... I Noah guy. +16961,0,What do you call when two people are having a masturbation race? A jerk off. +16962,0,"A Tea Enthusiast A tea enthusiast wants to try every tea in the world when he learns about a cafe in Mercy, Australia that serves koala tea. He makes the journey, and orders a cup of their famed tea. When he receives it and takes a sip, he has a mouth full of fur. He calls over the waitress and says, ""Excuse me miss, there's hair in my tea."" She replies, ""Well of course sir. The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.""" +16963,1,"Yo MaMa Jokes Yo MaMa so fat, she rolled over a dollar and 4 quarters came out" +16964,0,A man and a therapist. A man talked to the therapist and said:” i am depressed and i don’t want people to talk about it” the therapist nodded and said” so what’s causing your depression” and the man walks away while saying:” i told you I don’t want to talk about it!”. And leaves the building through the 16th floor window. +16965,3,"If you see two potatoes standing on a street corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute? It'll have a sticker that says ""Idaho""" +16966,4,"A totally naked woman rushed into a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, ""Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"" The taxi driver replied, ""No, I just wonder where you have my money.""" +16967,2,What do you call it when a group of dogs take over control of a ship? A muttiny +16968,0,"In GoT, the Hound's parentage is suspect. He could be Sand-or Clegane." +16969,0,What's the difference between a fish and a bicycle? A bicycle can't swim. +16970,0,Why do rogues like to wear leather armor? Because it's made of hide. +16971,2,Enough with the gay jokes. Come on guys. +16972,0,Michael Bloomberg just launched a coalition to try and uphold the Paris Accord agreement against Trump's will Guess you could call it an anti-coal-ition. +16973,1,What did the gold miner shout to the thief as he ran away... Au you got my gold. +16974,2,Did you hear about the gay Irish Dentists? Ben Dover and Phil Mcavity! +16975,0,What's the most ironic thing about Trump pardoning a Turkey on Thanksgiving? He's also going to pardon a Saudi Arabia +16976,0,"Kevin is waiting at the bus stop... His bros, Jeff and Todd, walk up. After exchanging high fives, Kevin asks Todd and Jeff what bus they are waiting for. ""Bus Number 7"" says Jeff. ""Oh"" replies Kevin ""I'm waiting for the number 4 bus."" A few moments later, Kevin exclaims ""Look! The number 47 bus is here! We can all ride together!""" +16977,1,You don’t have to outrun a bear You just have to outrun your friends +16978,0,I went to a Robbie Williams concert last weekend and sat next to a lady who said she worked in insurance... And through it all she offered me protection. A joke I had heard recently. +16979,1,What happens when a plant tries to take over its own forest? It comits *tree*son. +16980,0,What law is seen when a woman gives birth? Conservation of Linear Momentum +16981,3,"Biology Lesson Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. ""Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"" Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, ""That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will report you to the Dean."" Dr Adams just nods and says, ""Miss Conrad, same question."" Miss Conrad stands and says, ""The pupil of the eye, under dim light."" Dr Adams nods again and says ""Correct, full marks for Miss Conrad."" Then he turns and says, ""Miss Baker, I can tell you three things. First, you have not studied. Second, you have a dirty mind. Third, you are going to suffer a grave disappointment.""" +16982,2,"In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act. Turnout was high." +16983,2,Why didn't the sailors play cards? Because the captains always sitting on the deck +16984,3,"I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas... The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod. " +16985,4,"God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh. Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!? God: Yes, as long as it is in reason. Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii? God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that. Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to understand women. God: How many lanes you want on that highway?" +16986,0,Man I’ve gotten so lazy lately I just started flushing the corn instead +16987,0,"Graffiti on a wall: My Mother made me a homosexual. Written beneath it: If I buy her the wool , will she make me one too?" +16988,7,"A high school is having a talent show. The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, ""Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!"" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, ""I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller.""" +16989,1,"Barack Obama walks into a Subaru dealership... The salesman asked him, ""What are you looking for?"" Obama says, ""I'm looking for a replacement because my legacy got wrecked.""" +16990,3,A Limbo champion walks into a bar He is immediately disqualified. +16991,2,What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. +16992,3,"I hit somebody driving my car, and I dont feel bad at all. I mean, wouldn't you punch somebody trying to steal your car too?" +16993,2,"I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction. She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said.. ""It's not coming up!""... I said..""Yeah!...that's the one!!" +16994,2,What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending +16995,5,"She married and had 6 children Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children. At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to ""Go forth and multiply."" In his eulogy, the preacher said, ""Lord, they're finally together."" Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, ""Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"" The neighbor replied, ""I think he's referring to her legs.""" +16996,0,An NH2 group was convicted of taking performance enhancing drugs. Official were unusually happy about this incident. Must be the prescence of dope amine +16997,1,If butts could talk what would they say? I'm not sure but they would definitely be talking shit. +16998,1,"I asked my friend what he does for a living. He said, ""I cut the arse off a cow and cook it."" At least he's making ends meet. " +16999,0,I like my girlfriend the same way as I like my car rented +17000,0,Who is the most perverted miser? Mr. Screw +17001,1,Age is like a Rolex Shit never stops. +17002,1,Trumps favorite store What is president Trump's favorite store? Walmart +17003,0,I tried sorting r/jokes by new But all the results were from 7 hours ago. +17004,1,"I was reared by a grape. It was tough at first, but once it shriveled up, it was a breeze raisin me." +17005,0,Donald Trump wants to... Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again. +17006,0,"There are three different types of people in the world... those who are good at math, and those who Just can never grasp it.." +17007,2,What do you get when a Nigerian fucks your ear? Hearing aids +17008,4,"A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end... And rubs the poop on his chapped lips His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?” The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”" +17009,2,Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along? They were too shellfish. +17010,0,I heard the Bernie Sanders campaign just chose Prince as VP. Makes sense since they're both dead. +17011,2,Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!? He was a great veterinarian. +17012,2,"When I die, I want my remains scattered throughout Disneyland. I also don’t want to be cremated. " +17013,0,"I took a massive shit at 11.59pm Its the same shit, different day." +17014,1,What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch? A net prophet. +17015,4,"A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No"", he replies,""I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What""s so special about it?"" The cowboy explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What""s it telling you now?"" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies ""Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ""Damn thing's an hour fast.""" +17016,0,You're like a platypus. A weird combination of genes that will probably never happen again. +17017,1,"For Valentine's Day, I booked the most expensive table at a restaurant that's named after the underworld. When my girlfriend asked me where we were eating, I told her I'd reserved a special place in Hell for us." +17018,3,"I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention. Pretty stupid really, now I need surgery. " +17019,0,"Every evening there is a bunch of hot, teenage girls banging on my bedroom's door. Sometimes I let them out." +17020,0,"I love sports, but... I love sports like Football, real football, you know the one where the quaterback either hands the ball off or throws it to someone with his hands. I love Hockey, the one where the name of the game has nothing to do with anything in the sport. I guess i only like sports where someone can seriously get realy hurt, if someone doesn't get a concussion it's not a sport for me. I love sports but I just don't like what it does to me. Generally, I'm not homophobic but when my team isn't winning the guys on the other team are all ""Cock sucking fagetts"". There is also the problem when, again, my team isn't winning, of me becoming a violent brain dead psychopath, yelling phrases like ""If you comment a penalty on my team I will find you, knock out your teeth, and shove, (I'm not proud of this) your boyfriends dick in your mouth."" I don't know, maybe I'm too competitive, maybe I need to be medicated, or maybe i shouldn't be watching sports all together, or maybe the opponent of my team NEEDS TO STOP FUCKING CHEATING AND JUST DIE! No, no, I'm sure it's the first two." +17021,0,"Two things that will never get old: Dark humor, and unvaccinated children" +17022,8,Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house? Because it was 2 squared +17023,6,Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog. +17024,4,What do you call cheese on steriods?? Shredded cheese. +17025,9,"A guy dies and wakes up on a beach. Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. ""Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me."" he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. ""Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?"" ""Oh,"" Satan says, ""that´s for the Christians, they want it that way.""" +17026,7,"A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid. He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy. The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook! Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, ""guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer""." +17027,1,"You know urine trouble, when You see members of the KKK, Black Lives Matter And Westboro Baptist Church together at the RNC... They are bound to piss each other off. " +17028,2,I've been watching women's Olympic beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be fine by tomorrow. +17029,4,"What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? ""If we don't get support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts!""" +17030,2,/r/Jokes is like America. Nothing Pro-Trump will get a popular vote. +17031,0,"The Italian goes to the doctor Doctor: All right, say ""ah""! Italian: Ey! " +17032,1,"Hey Reddit, what's a polite way to refuse to celebrate today's holiday? No Thanksgiving. " +17033,2,What do you call a phobia of a clown wielding a chainsaw running straight at you? Common sense +17034,5,Hindus are so chill i’ve never had beef with any of them +17035,1,What program do Jedi use for viewing files? Adobe Wan Kenobi... +17036,3,What's brown and rhymes with snoop...? Dr Dre +17037,2,Got a reality check today It bounced. +17038,0,"I never realized allergists were such radical feminists. I mean, they never tell you to take anti-hertamines." +17039,3,"A scientist is sent to an isolated small island in a distant archipelago for a research project and is greeted by a group of locals who will help him out in his project that should take several months. The entire group of helpers in the island is male and after some weeks he starts to feel lonely and horny. So he asks his most trusted helper about women. “Oh, there are no women in this island, sir” - said the local. “I see... and what do you guys do when you get... you know... lonely?” “When we get lonely, sir? We just use the donkey” The scientist was appalled by the revelation and pretended the conversation never happened. However, in the next weeks he overheard the locals mentioning that “it’s so great that the donkey is here” and “I don’t know how I could handle it if it wasn’t for the donkey”, among other things. Noticing how natural it seemed to the locals, the scientist started to become intrigued. After three months he couldn’t take it anymore. He called his most trusted helper and asked: “I give up. I want you to take me to the donkey”. The helper promptly took him to a donkey which was tied to a tree at a beach where some other locals were hanging out. “Here it is, sir. Have a good time!” The scientist was so horny he didn’t care that other people were watching. After all, they all did the same thing from time to time. So he took off his pants and wildly fucked the donkey, which screamed and protested, but the scientist firmly kept the animal under control until he was finished. After coming back to his senses, the scientist looked around and noticed that the locals were staring at him, absolutely shocked. Concerned, he asked his most trusted helper: “why are they looking at me like that? Don’t you guys always do this?” To which the helper replied: “No, sir, we always use the donkey to ride to the island nearby, where the brothel is...”" +17040,6,"What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading" +17041,0,You cannot make everyone happy... You are not a taco. +17042,0,What happens to the car if you press the brake and accelerator at the same time? It takes a screenshot +17043,2,"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change" +17044,8,"Little girl: ""Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."" Mom: ""Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both.""" +17045,10,"Trump said... Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one. This isn't my joke, but I never saw it on Reddit before. I don't know the source." +17046,0,"My recent 911 call.. Me: “Help! Help! I’ve been kidnapped by gangsters and they’re going to lock me in a cave!!” 911 operator: “Okay sir calm down, where is your location?” Me: “I’m at the police department downtown.”" +17047,7,My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up... So I just packed my bags and right... +17048,0,"Did you know that Freud was uncommonly fond of Medieval Times? In those days things were different, the knights had to start as a squire, which was a long apprenticeship that would culminate in a fight with another squire before they could become a night. These knight ascensions were a big deal and there would always be a big event around them. Some would unfortunately take too long, and some of the squires that ascended were of an inferior quality, but the short decisive battles were very entertaining. One evening Freud declared that if the battle was short and decisive, he would offer to make the knight his successor in the field of psychology and that everyone in his party would go drinking on his dime. Luckily when they were finished the knight was Jung." +17049,0,Which cheese can be used to hide a horse? Mascarpone +17050,10,"In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child. The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent. Chieftain: ""Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"" The doctor remains calm: ""The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."" The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: ""I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child.""" +17051,2,"Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values... Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?" +17052,5,If i had a dollar for every girl that did not like me Girls would like me +17053,0,"So my science teacher asked what kind of beetle can swim the best so I replied Paul of course, after all he is the walrus. Coo coo ca chu" +17054,0,"Top 3 Fun Facts 1. 75% of the Earth is water 2. 98% of people cannot lick their own elblow 3. Lmao look at that dumbass tryin to lick his own elbow, look at that idiot" +17055,0,"Omg, I don't normally go for white men, but he's gorgeous. What's his name? His name is Ler. Short for Tyler. That's so different. I like it. I'm going to go speak to him, but I need a first line that'll really hit him and make him notice me. What do you think? Hrm... I know you don't normally go for white men, but we're simple. Just say hi. Hi'll do the trick? Guarantee it - Hi'll hit Ler. " +17056,1,How do you make blond's eyes shine? Just put flashlight to her ear and turn it on. +17057,2,How many police offers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He fell... +17058,2,"What happens when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pick it up, pull out the pin and throw it back. " +17059,0,My new flesh-light is dishwasher safe! Not sure why my roommates are opposed to it? +17060,0,What did the geometric sequence say to the arithmetic sequence? I hate it when you don't take me seriously +17061,4,What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Guardians of the Galaxy +17062,0,"Oedipus walks into a bar Bartender: ""What do you want?"" Oedipus: ""A shot"" Bartender: ""Huh, you don't look too good, and you're drinking, what happened?"" Oedipus: ""I got into a fight..."" Bartender: ""With who?"" Oedipus: ""With my wife, for some reason she got mad because i didn't gave her anything yesterday...""" +17063,3,Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a coma. +17064,1,Education is important But racecar are importanter +17065,0,"I really like food Sorry, I made a Misteak, that wasn't really a joke. It's even Grater with Cheese. Damn. That was just Punishment. " +17066,4,Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it. +17067,0,What do you call a person who you had a one night stand with on Mars? A solmate +17068,1,I never used to like moles. But now they’ve started growing on me. +17069,2,"As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant... ...sadly she didn't fall for it. " +17070,0,What did the angry dad say to his son sitting down? You're grounded +17071,0,"Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man? Then he learned how to make friends. " +17072,3,Why don't golddiggers eat fruit? An apple a day keeps the doctors away +17073,0,Deer jumped in front of me and was the best I ever had Hit it and was really well fenderized +17074,0,"They say that White People really love lawyers. Seeing as how the majority of criminal defendants are black or mexican, I’m sure they love lawyers at least as equally as white people." +17075,1,"My wife wanted to know what her weight was So, she stepped on the scale And i asked her, why don't you hold in belly? It isn't going to make me weigh less, she said. But then you can maybe see the numbers i replied." +17076,1,I got a book to teach me how to speed read... ... I didn’t finish it. It was too slow. +17077,5,"Two monkeys entered a bath. Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot" +17078,2,What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week-days. +17079,0,"If the Dukes of Hazzard had a cargo van, what would they call it? The General-Lee More Practical. " +17080,1,I read a book about the history of glue I couldn't put it down +17081,0,"Wearing a condom for sex is like volunteering; Seems not as much fun while you are doing it, but then you feel awesome about yourself having done it when it is over. " +17082,2,"I hate the PC culture we live in these days. Can't a guy just use a Playstation without getting called a ""peasant""? " +17083,2,"Painting the church. Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Paster Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint. The paint still covered, but not as well as it did at first. He continued to use more paint than he wanted, so he added still more thinner to the paint. The paint became too thin to cover well, but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, “Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!”" +17084,4,What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that little thing +17085,6,"When I was eight my grandfather told me... There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth. On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.” On a branch in the tree next to the pond was a bird watching the frog below. The bird thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower that frog would jump out over the pond and I’ll sweep down to snatch that frog and eat it for my lunch.” The bird was unaware of a cat on a higher branch in that tree next to the pond. The cat was watching what was transpiring below and thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower that frog would jump up to catch it and as soon as that bird takes off to catch the frog I’ll jump off this branch to catch it in mid flight to eat it for my lunch.” A moment later the buzzing fly flew a little lower and the frog leapt up to catch it. The bird swooped down to catch the frog. The cat pounced after the bird, jumping out over the pond...and missed. And do you know the morale of the story? When the fly drops the pussy’s going to get wet. On a side note: I didn’t know at the time why my mother was unhappy with my grandfather when I told the joke later that day. " +17086,0,"I went to look at tents today. But I didn't buy one. There was nothing before them, there was no pre-tents. " +17087,1,I got fired from my job at the Orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate. +17088,0,"I bought a car from a Mexican and he said that it was a Nova But when I got there, the car wouldn't go" +17089,1,How do you know if a sniper likes you? She misses you. +17090,3,"A man walks into a bar for the first time He sees an old blind pianist in the corner with a small monkey on his shoulder. He thinks to himself ""This place seems nice"" , and he orders a pint of beer. He's looking round admiring the decor when suddenly the blind pianists monkey runs over, and dips his balls in the pint of beer and then runs off. Disgusted , he asks the barman to get rid of the glass and bring him another one. Again he gets distracted for a minute. He looks down and the monkey is dipping his balls in the pint of beer. He shoos away the monkey and says ""Right. Time to sort this out"" He storms over to the blinds pianist and says ""Do you know your monkey has been dipping his balls in my pint of beer "" The pianist says ""No. But if you hum it I'll play along""" +17091,1,Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall ? Because he needed an outlet. +17092,1,My mom called me a son of a bitch So I told my father what she said about him. +17093,2,What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? [Nsfw] A boy scout comes home from camp. +17094,1,How do American school kids learn the metric system? 9 millimeters at a time +17095,5,An Xbox One got into a fight with a PS4 The ambulance came. Wii U Wii U Wii U. +17096,2,What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers. +17097,3,Why was the 1 year old African kid depressed? He was facing a mid-life crisis +17098,0,Why did Japanese in old times commit sudoku when they brought shame to their family? It just seems like they could bring more shame if they fail it. +17099,1,"A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery... A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're beautiful!"" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're cute!"" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of ""beautiful,"" it was ""cute."" She asked, ""What happened to 'beautiful'?"" His reply was ""The drugs are wearing off!""" +17100,2,I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement But that was a whisk I was willing to take. +17101,3,"In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president" +17102,5,"Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men. One day, they decided to move to the USA. They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against. Chu changed his name to Chuck. Bu changed his name to Buck. And Fu decided to go back to China." +17103,1,Three men walk into a bar It's the shittest game of limbo I've ever seen. +17104,0,Why are there few cases of transgender men in China? Because they're happy with the Mandarin. +17105,0,How do you know that a car is from China? its a bit ricy +17106,0,What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only took one nail to hang the picture of Jesus. +17107,0,"Dan liked children Dan liked children. It had always a problem for him, but he kept it to himself, and, until his wife left, he suppressed all feelings about it. After Linda cheated on him with his best friend and abandoned their marriage, Dan was depressed. He spent a couple weeks without seeing anyone, only leaving to get food and other necessities. Dan had a generous boss and took advantage of his numerous vacation days. Eventually, some friends got a hold of him and got him out of the house. All attempts to cheer him up were futile. Strippers and the like had no effect. One day, a family moved in across the street from his two story suburban home. They had a thirteen year old daughter, and, in the pits of Dan's depression, his old desires awakened. He would watch her from his bedroom window, but never fathomed fulfilling his fantasies. A couple weeks passed before Dan's wife sent him divorce papers from Europe, where she was staying with Chad, Dan's old friend and the Best Man at their wedding. Dan's agony recommenced, and he moved on from only Emily who lived across the street to watching girls coming out of the school, a few blocks over. When steel prices skyrocketed, the automotive industry was hit hard. Dan got laid off. This threw him to rock bottom. He had been gradually coming to terms with his pedophilia and, though a favor from a former coworker, bought a snow-colored van. Dan began driving out to neighborhoods where he wouldn't be recognized and luring girls to climb to his vehicle. He had always been particularly attractive. Despite the weight he had gained since his divorce, convincing young teens to come with him was surprisingly easy. He didn't dare force them to have sex. Touching and groping sufficed for him. However, Dan wasn't very discrete and was apprehended by the police in a matter of weeks. Dan pled guilty, and the judge assigned him a 7 year sentence for his crimes. In jail, he contemplated suicide multiple times, but never had the courage to go through with it. The only thing that moderated his depression was the art classes he chose to take. Dan was surprisingly talented, and the judge who convicted him bought one of his paintings as evidence of the positive effects of the prison system. When he got out, Dan registered as a sex offender, and moved out of state. He had trouble getting a job and was turned down 6 different times because of his history before finding a position at Subway. To keep his spirits up, Dan decided to try to get a girlfriend. He made an online dating profile, but no relationships lasted after they found him on the registry. The longest one he had lasted a month. As a result of pure coincidence, Susan ended it with him on the same day that the Subway franchise Dan that was working at closed down. Dan relapsed into depression, and his pedophilia reignited. He slipped back into the same routine that put him behind bars. Dan found a cheap Chevy Astro in white, and this time he took it further. Unfortunately for him, emotional distress made him sloppier. The police caught him even sooner. Dan found himself in court once again. By pure chance, he was confronted with the same judge from before. The judge's wife had found a better job, which happened to be in the same state Dan took up residence in. Her husband moved with her, knowing that he could find a similar position in any city. When Dan stepped into his courtroom, the judge was surprised. He had bought Dan's impressionist painting, and recognized the man he had convicted. He cried out: ""DAMN, DANIEL BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE WHITE VANS""" +17108,1,What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible? the movie will be Impossible. +17109,2,Jesus was such a hypocrite Preaches waiting for marriage and all that. Meanwhile he just goes and gets nailed 3 times in one day. +17110,4,"Wife: ""I regret getting you that Blender for christmas!"" Me: *Drinking Toast* ""Why?""" +17111,0,"My wife likes to talk on the phone when she's having sex. The other day, she called me from a hotel." +17112,0,Why are Brunettes so proud of their hair color? Because it matches their mustaches. +17113,0,"Knock knock Who's there? To To who? No, to whom, you ignoramus! " +17114,3,"So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope ""Hold on for a minute,"" and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: ""Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."" Chief: ""How important? A governor or something?"" Cop: ""No sir. He's bigger."" Chief: ""So, what? a celebrity or something?"" Cop: ""More important, sir."" Chief: ""A major politician?"" Cop: ""No sir, he's much more important."" Chief: ""WELL WHO IS IT!?"" >Cop: ""Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."" ​" +17115,0,Jokes My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred +17116,2,My AA sponsor told me to stay away from places where I used to drink I just sold my car. +17117,7,"A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, ""How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck."" But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, ""Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."" The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, ""What is the formula for the area of a circle?"" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, ""Switch the limits on the integral!"" " +17118,2,"So, if Fe = Iron and Male = Man I’ve been having sex with IronMan all these years." +17119,0,What’s Tom Holland’s favorite song? [SPOILER] Another one bites the dust by Queen +17120,2,Pluto wanted to throw Earth a birthday party on New Year's Eve But he forgot to planet +17121,3,"A blonde with perfect breasts and no bra takes her seat in first class... She's wearing a very tight t-shirt with the word NAN in bold black letters across the front. The gentleman sitting next to her is already in his seat, enjoying a gin and tonic. Once settled in she smiles at him and says ""That looks good, I'd sure love one"". The man rings the flight attendant and he says ""Nan, here would love a gin and tonic, please"". The flight attendant nods and heads back to prepare the drink and the blonde says ""Thank you very much, but why did you call me Nan?"" ​ The man says, ""Oh, I'm sorry. I saw that on your shirt and thought it was your name."" She giggles and says, ""Oh!, No, that's not my name. That's the convention I'm headed to."" The man says, ""Oh, my apologies, I just assumed. If I may ask, what is the convention?"" The blond giggles again and says ""the National Association of Nymphomaniacs."" The man almost spits out his drink ""Oh, wow, I had no idea that was a thing. That's fascinating. What sorts of things do you do at these conventions."" The blonde smiles at him coyly and says ""Mostly we talk about what men are the best to have sex with."" The man asks ""That's very interesting. Out of curiosity, what men *are* the best to have sex with?"" She responds, ""Well, last year, it was a tie - between Jewish men and Native American Men. By the way, my name is Paulette, and yours?"" ​ The man extends his hand and says ""Tonto Goldberg, Very nice to meet you!""" +17122,0,"Two gentlemen on a park bench are discussing the view... After contemplating the fine weather, the ducks by the pond and the people in the park the first turns to the second: 'I'm sure you'll agree this is quite a pittagoresque view.' 'I beg your pardon? Pittagoresque? I must disagree, it is rather idylistique...' 'Idylistique?! Well I never! My word, that's entirely wrong. It's pittagoresque I tell you.' An argument ensues between the two gentlemen over what description fits the mood and atmosphere the best. They finally decide to ask a passerby what he thinks. They ask a man standing not to far away. He replies: 'But, gentlemen! Aren't these two words synagoge?!' (edit: a word)" +17123,0,"I just found out I’m allergic to cheese... I’m so upset, I Camembert it." +17124,0,I tried to make a joke about the Note 7 but it went up in smoke +17125,2,I watched a porno version of The Invisible Man but I missed the climax. Never saw him coming. +17126,1,What's the difference between incels and Catholic priests? Only the first group is actually celibate. +17127,1,Success is my middle name! But no one calls me by it. +17128,2,I’m sexually attracted to mashed chickpeas I’m a hummussexual +17129,0,Why did the sunbather commit a sin? Sin is the cos of tan +17130,0,What will happen when you don't do your Duolingo lesson one day? A Duelingo. +17131,1,What's the difference between my wife and my paycheck? My paycheck comes once a week. +17132,5,I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances? +17133,3,Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it. +17134,1,"Have I told you about the time I met Steven Tyler and he taught me how to cook stir fry? He told me to ""wok this way.""" +17135,2,What do a county fair and a clumsy prostitute have in common? A hoedown +17136,1,"A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie. She says: "" 3.14159 26535 """ +17137,0,"Hey honey, what do you say to a nice walk? Wonderful, could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?" +17138,2,Michael Jackson is a lot like caviar. They both come on little crackers. +17139,6,What is a suicide bombers worse fear? Dying alone... +17140,0,"A man finishes pumping gas and goes into the store to pay. A sign on the pumps says, “Please tell cashier the pump number to pay.” The man walks up to the counter and says to the clerk, “Number 2.” The clerk hands the man a set of keys, motions to a hallway next to the counter, and says, “The second door on the left.” ​" +17141,0,"Boss and employee funny question Boss: Hey, idiot! You are late to work AGAIN!!! Employee: Sorry, Boss... It's just that my wife is going to have a baby... Boss: Really? Congratulations! Employee: Thank you!!! Boss: And when is it going to be born? Employee: In nine months... Kickass if you get it. ;)" +17142,6,What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal. +17143,1,Did you know Japanese goddess Izanami was a Nazi? Just read her name backwards! +17144,0,Aaron Hernandez just CRUSHED the record.... For hang time. +17145,0,"How does a car person tell their parents they lost their virginity? “Mom, I got escalaid.”" +17146,2,"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." +17147,3,My wife is pissed off at me for throwing a snowball at my son. I’m also permanently banned from the maternity ward. +17148,2,What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot? Mitosis +17149,2,"Smoking The other day I was on my front porch smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of Scotch. My nosey neighbor came up and told me ""That stuff is bad for you."" I let him know that my my grandpa lived to be 102. He asked if I thought that was from drinking and smoking. Told him ""Nope, it was because he minded his own fucking business."" Now my neighbor won't talk to me any more. " +17150,2,I like to bring broken families together I usually reunite orphans with their parents +17151,1,My friend who has sex with a lot of douchebags asked me to help her use a screwdriver I was surprised as she's normally good at screwing tools +17152,1,"I gave my teenage son The Talk today. I said ""son, we need to have a conversation about sex…"" And he said ""sure dad, what would you like to know?""" +17153,3,A guy says to his Psychiatrist : I am having suicidal thoughts Psychiatrist : You need to pay my fees in advance today +17154,4,If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY. +17155,1,My girlfriend's asinine. Her face a 10. +17156,0,"Hush dear Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”" +17157,2,"After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget." +17158,1,What did the dentist say to his nymphomaniac patient? You have the prettiest teeth I've ever cum across! +17159,0,Why is a baby so hard to blend? Because one hand is used to masturbate and the other hand is used to hold the video camera. +17160,1,"How do you tell a chemist from a syndicated worker? You ask them to read ""unionize"" aloud." +17161,1,"A man was speaking with God and asked him, ""God, is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"" ""That's true,"" God replied. ""And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"" ""That's true,"" God replied. ""Well, you see I'm a poor man, and I was wondering if you could give me a penny,"" asked the man. ""Sure,"" said God, ""in a minute.""" +17162,2,My mate David lost his ID We call him dav now. +17163,3,My friend told me this hilarious joke about Parkinson's last night But I don't want to tell it because I'm a little shaky on the details. +17164,5,"A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. After the third dip, the Priest said: ""You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."" Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: ""You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"" " +17165,0,"I was talking to a job interviewer on the phone He said: ""Before we get started, we don't want you if you're white, you're either fat and lazy or just incompetent. We don't want you if you're black either, you're going to steal everything."" So I replied: ""I'm neither. I'm Asian."" ""Well then sorry, you're overqualified""" +17166,1,children in the back seat children in the back seat cause accidents accidents in the back seat cause children +17167,1,Did you hear about Minnesota's new law against importing soft drinks? It's soda-MN hard to get a drink there anymore. +17168,0,"Been using a new alarm app to wake up lately that reads the news... ...so far it hasn't really been working. I think the only way it's gonna get me out of bed quickly is if the lady announces ""Trump to be impeached tonight...aliens have landed...Lakers won a game last night"" or something like that. I guess we'll see." +17169,0,What's a prisoners favorite planet Uranus +17170,6,What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore. +17171,0,Whats the difference between a Mexican and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family. +17172,0,"A store employee is looking to make a perfect sandwich He can either go to isle 1 and get peanut butter and jelly to make a PBJ sandwich, he can go into isle 2 to get turkey, cheese, and pickles, or he could go to isle 3 to get cheese and butter to make a grilled cheese sandwich. After much consideration the employee decides that he will not have PBJ because the peanut butter will get stuck in his teeth and he does not like flossing. After more consideration he decides that he won't have a grilled cheese sandwich because he can not stand the taste of butter. This leaves one sandwich left, the turkey, cheese, and pickle Sandwich. He gathers the bread, the turkey slices, and the cheese, but he can't decide what pickle to have. There are 15 varieties of pickles in the pickle section, so the employee decides to try each pickle. Finally he decides that he wants dill pickles. But to his surprise the manager tells him ""Lunch ended 3 hours ago, put your sandwich away."". In distraught the employee explains the situation and says ""I was so busy pickle eating I didn't start lunch."". As a smart ass customer who heard everything walks by she said ""Well I guess your in a bit of a... jam get it, the jelly is in the other isle."". " +17173,0,I guy stumbled into a bar..... ...**OUCH** +17174,0,What's the number ten's favorite Spanish phrase? ¡Diez mio! +17175,4,Wanna know how I got away from ISIS? Iran +17176,1,How does Trump maintain his clean image? Golden showers. +17177,1,What do you call a bad spaceman? Astronaughty +17178,0,"Thank heavens this is a free country.. , where we can do exactly as the government pleases." +17179,0,Why did everyone else quit after Gandhi joined the Fight Club? First rule of fight club is: You shall speak the truth about Fight Club +17180,0,Most meteorologists are men And most men lie about how many inches you're getting +17181,2,"Three Hikers Find a Lamp 3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms ""You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."" The first guy immediately blurts out ""I want a billion dollars."" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says ""I want to be the richest man alive."" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says ""I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."" POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: ""I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says ""I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says ""I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says ""I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says ""I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."" POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says ""My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: ""I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."" Second guy smiles and says ""Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."" Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: ""Guys, I think I fucked up.""" +17182,4,Why do abortion jokes make you laugh so much? Because they bring out the kid in you. +17183,0,What is the thing that makes everyone get in line and wait their turn by around 8 PM? My ex girlfriend +17184,4,"My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini I said, ""Wow, that's an amazing car!"" He replied, ""If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year""." +17185,3,I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs. But I’m not listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself. +17186,0,quit asking me what i’ll be doing next year. i don’t have 20/20 vision +17187,4,"The train conductor So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal - three bananas. ""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."" Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."" " +17188,1,"Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet Uranus , possibly" +17189,0,How did Wendy die? The baconator +17190,1,"Very generous barber Is cutting a police officers hair, after that the police takes out his wallet, but barber says it's for free. The next morning barber finds dozen donuts left for him at the door. Later that day, a florist comes, and as he is taking out his wallet, the barber says it's for free. The next morning barber finds dozen flowers left at the door. Later that day a jew walks in, he cuts his hair, and then says it's for free. The next morning barber finds dozen jews at the door. " +17191,1,What do you call it when you receive a shipment of iron? *Fe mail.* +17192,0,What do you call a Jew with no money? A Liar +17193,2,How does a German bread greet you in the morning? Gluten tag! +17194,2,My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to make a vehicle out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. +17195,0,"You know what they say: ""Ignorance is bliss"" Well.. You've been hogging all the bliss" +17196,1,NASA does not curry favor neither does it favor Curry. +17197,4,"[Long] Two engineers are walking across campus Two engineering students are walking across campus when one says ""Where did you get such a nice bike?"" The second engineer replies, ""Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ""Take what you want."" The first engineer nodded approvingly ""Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.""" +17198,3,"An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes." +17199,0,Me: What do me and a neutrino have in common? Friend: What? We are both constantly penetrating your mom UP TOP! +17200,1,"A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?” Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.” Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?” Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?” " +17201,0,Suicide Wanna hear a joke about suicide? Nvm you’ll die from laughter +17202,2,Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old crying? Mid-life crisis. +17203,5,How do you know if a woman uses a vibrator when pregnant The kid stutters +17204,3,"What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac? One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries." +17205,1,My wife said that she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn’t in to diaper fetishes. +17206,3,"A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow. ""Wha- ... what? What's wrong?"" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness. ""Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?"" she asks him anxiously. He turns and looks at his bedside clock ... 3:14 a.m. ... then turns back to her. ""Hon ... can't this wait? I mean ... what-"" ""Please,"" she says. ""I need to know."" He thinks about it for a moment, gathering his muddled thoughts. ""Well ... it's a pretty new bed ... we've only had it a few years so ... I suppose so, yeah."" She considers this, then squeezes him arm again. ""And my clothes? What about my clothes? Would you ... would you let her wear my clothes?"" He glances toward the large walk-in closet, then turns back to her, a little exasperated. ""I dunno, hon ... maybe ... you have a lot of clothes."" He sighs. ""If they fit her and she wanted to, better than letting them go to waste, I guess."" She pauses again for a moment, taking this in. ""And my golf clubs? Would you let her use those?"" ""No,"" he replies. ""She's left-handed.""" +17207,1,"What will a lad tell a step ladder? ""You are not my real father!""" +17208,1,I get asked all the time why I play in a gay basketball league It's because I love going up and down the hardwood. +17209,4,What does a mermaid wear to math class An algae-bra I'm not sorry +17210,2,"A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid. Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent. " +17211,5,"Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D. Sadly it can't focus." +17212,3,I have a huge fear of elevators... I've started taking steps to avoid it. +17213,4,"Not an original joke ""Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."" The priest asks, ""Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"" ""'Yes, Father, it is."" ""And who was the girl you were with?"" ""I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."" ""Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"" ""I cannot say."" ""Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"" ""I'll never tell."" ""Was it Nina Capelli?"" ""I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."" ""Was it Cathy Piriano?"" ""My lips are sealed."" ""Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"" ""Please, Father, I cannot tell you."" The priest sighs in frustration. ""You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."" Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ""What'd you get?"" ""Four months vacation and five good leads!""" +17214,5,I’ve always wondered what my parents did for fun before the internet... So I asked my 27 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either. +17215,1,What do you call a group of cool trees trying to get an education? Stud Ents +17216,3,"Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"" ""No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, ""Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. ""No, no, just name anyone else,"" Dave says. ""President Obama,"" his boss quickly retorts. ""Yup,"" Dave says, ""Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington,"" and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, ""Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."" Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. ""Pope Francis,"" his boss replies. ""Sure!"" says Dave. ""I've known the Pope for years."" So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, ""This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."" He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, ""What happened?"" His boss looks up and says, ""It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'" +17217,1,Why do lions make such good employees? They take PRIDE in their work. +17218,3,What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonc’e +17219,0,What drug do you give a Lesbian? Trycoxagen. +17220,2,"I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop The steaks were too high" +17221,0,"(NSFW) A boy is taking a shower with his dad. He asked: ""Dad, why our parts between our legs are different?"" Dad replied: ""You see, that part is called penis, your penis will grow when you are older and it will look like mine."" Boy then cried: ""But I don't want my penis grow shorter.""" +17222,2,"I don't think this one has been posted here Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it --------------------------------------------------------- A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out of town, so there are no bagels today. One old woman has asked repeatedly if there are bagels, to which the answer is always no. For some reason, she keeps going to the back of the line and asking over and over if there are bagels. The woman comes up to the front and once again asks for bagels. The man has had quite enough and asks her: ""Ma'am, how do you spell cat as in Catastrophic?"" She replies ""C A T"" He asks her ""how do you spell dog as in Dogmatic?"" She replies ""D O G"" The man then asks her ""how do you spell fuck as in Bagels?"" The woman, confused, says ""there's no fuck in bagels"" to which the man shouts ""THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!""" +17223,0,What does the shrimp say to the noodles? Don't 'wok' away from me +17224,1,Donald Trump doesnt drink alcohol unless a russian hooker drank it first +17225,2,"idk i thought it was funny 2 lumberjacks are hanging out in the woods, when suddenly one of them collapses. the other guy calls 911. lumberjack: ""my friend just collapsed, i think he might be dead."" operator: ""ok, just make sure first."" \\*gunshot is heard on the operators end\\* lumberjack: okay, what now?" +17226,2,"Basement Challenge Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, ""If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."" The first man walks out after five minutes and says, ""It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."" So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour. Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it. He says, ""Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!""" +17227,0,What's a Brit's favorite breakfast food? Cheerios +17228,1,Why is semen white and urine yellow? So you know whether you're coming or going. +17229,0,What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction. +17230,0,How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted? Beaucoup. +17231,0,I saw an ad in the paper. FOR RENTAL: DFS building. Unfurnished. +17232,0,"My first day as a Sniper me: [into radio] ""I have a clean shot at the target sir"" boss: ""Take him out"" [later on date] me: so for how long have you been a terrorist?" +17233,1,"I don't need an expensive security system in my car... ...just some wires sticking out of a backpack, and a copy of the Koran next to it on the drivers seat. That will ensure it never gets touched." +17234,0,"Study shows that humans have very short attention spans According to a Microsoft study, attention spans are now 1 second shorter than a goldfish. A goldfish, with an attention span of 9 seconds, has an attention span that is 1 second longer than that of humans, which is now 8 seconds compared to 12 seconds in 2000. The Microsoft study surveyed 2000 Canadian people and asked them to participate in ""game-like tasks"" while monitoring their brainwaves with EEG (electroencephalography). These findings stayed consistent with young and old people alike. This shows that the digital age has shorted the attention span of people of all ages. TL;DR: Humans have shorter attention spans than goldfish by 1 second." +17235,3,What did Mike Wazowski call his tattoo parlor? Monster's Ink. +17236,4,"Why I fired my secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ""Happy Birthday!"", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ""Happy Birthday."" I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ""Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ""You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."" I said, ""Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, ""You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"" I responded, ""I guess not. What do you have in mind?"" She said, ""Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."" After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ""Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."" ""Okay,"" I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ""Happy birthday"". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect." +17237,2,"Adults used to tell me that if I went into the inner city, I could get robbed by a drug dealer... I finally understand now, $5 for a cup of coffee is ridiculous" +17238,0,How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she starts fitting in your moms cloth- never mind I take that back. No one's ever gonna be as fat as yo mama. +17239,3,How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool. +17240,5,"Just one customer. A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big ""everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says ""Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."" Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. ""How many customers bought something from you today?"" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, ""One"". The boss says ""Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."" The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), ""So, how much was your one sale for?"" The kid looks up at his boss and says ""$101,237.65"". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"" The kid says, ""Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."" The boss said ""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"" The kid said ""No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'" +17241,5,"The clearance bird. A lady walks into a pet store. She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, ""Why so cheap?"" The owner says ""This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."" The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is ""Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking."" The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says ""New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight."" The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says ""Hey Jim.""" +17242,0,David Bowie and Freddie Mercury were on a road trip When one of their tyres blew out. Turns out it was under pressured. +17243,1,"What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue, you ask? I knew you’d get stuck there." +17244,6,My HP printer died today It was like a Brother to me. +17245,0,I couldn’t change my opinion on predeterminism... ... I have no choice in the matter. +17246,3,"Man went to see a wise doctor about his toe As his little toe on his right foot is turning purple. The doctor examine it and then took a sip of his tea and said: ""I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor yet I've never seen a case as severe as yours. We must remove your toe immediately before it spreads to the rest of your foot."" So the man had his little toe amputated. A week later, the man woke up in the morning to find another toe on his right foot turning purple. He hurried to the same doctor. The doctor took a sip of tea and said: ""I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor, it seems we were too late last time. We must remove this toe immediately."" So the man lost another toe. Over the course of the next few weeks, the man had the same symptoms showing on his other toes. And went to the same doctor several times. He has now lost all 5 toes on his right foot. One day, the man woke up to find both his feet have turned purple. In fear for his life he ran as fast as he could to that doctor. ""Please old wise doctor, you need to help me. I can't lose both of my feet, I won't be able to walk anymore."" The doctor, examined his feet carefully, once again took a sip of tea and said: ""I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor, I am very confident that it's just your sock losing its dye.""" +17247,0,What does a rich person say when they sneeze. Cashew! +17248,0,What do they call their mistresses in Islamic countries? Haram Baes +17249,1,What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip? Recalculating route. +17250,3,"What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? ""Oh, sheet.""" +17251,0,"A Philadelphia man orders room service... A Philadelphia man gets to his hotel late, after a long flight. He picks up the phone and orders room service. “Yeah, room 703. I just got in from Philly and I’m hungry as hell. Give me a fuckin’ hoagie to start...” “Um, OK....sir”.....the hostess says as he rudely interrupts her. “And then how’s about youse guys give me some uh dat fuckin’ carrot cake for dessert. You know, the kind with the philly cream cheese.” “Sir....” she starts saying when she is interrupted again. “And gimme a GOD DAMN SODA to drink wit dat!” “SIR!” She yells, finally at her wits end. “Can you PLEASE not use that kind of language here please? You’re in the God-damned MIDWEST - we only serve SANDWICHES and POP for fuck’s sake!!!!!”" +17252,0,Whats the divide between alt left and alt right? The spacebar. +17253,2,Someone asked Ghandi what he thought about Western Civilization He thought it could be a really good idea +17254,1,"A sperm donator, a carpenter, and a married man walks into a bar He came, he saw, he left" +17255,0,Why does no one listen to country music in prison? Because country-band is not allowed +17256,1,What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside. +17257,4,I think medical marijuana is really good... ... for joints. I'll see myself out. +17258,2,"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me " +17259,0,Apple and Microsoft will pay the legal costs for employees is impacted by DACA Meanwhile....Walmart will cover the shipping +17260,2,How can Mexicans get over the wall? By using trumpolines. sorry... I will see myself out. +17261,1,What Did One Eye Say To Another Eye? Don't Look Now But Something Between Us Smells +17262,1,What do I have in common with a necropheliac? We both like to crack open a cold one when we get home. +17263,1,I've waited all my life to meet a wizard. Imagine how upset I was to find out it was just a racist old man in a white hood. +17264,3,"A man walks up to a woman in the office and tells her that her hair smells nice The woman immediately goes to see the HR manager, explains what happened, and says that she wants to file a sexual harassment complaint. The HR manager is puzzled and says, ""What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"" The woman replies, ""He's a midget.""" +17265,0,"Mary Gets Stoned Jesus was drawing in the dirt with a stick, when a crowd of men brought Mary Magdalene in. They said they had caught her in the act of adultery and believed she should be stoned, but they asked Jesus to share his thoughts on the matter. ""Let him among you who is without sin cast the first stone,"" he said. One by one they began dropping their stones to the ground and filing out. Suddenly from the back comes an angry cry, ""No! No, damn it! I'm sick of this shit! He *always* wants to go first!""" +17266,1,So apparently a reporter made the Mona Lisa laugh. I read it in an art-tickle. +17267,2,What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke. +17268,4,"The Pillsbury Doughboy died today... Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man but was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes." +17269,6,"When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while... Then I remembered... Me and my wife have different dentists…" +17270,1,The best thing about tea is you can drink it at work The best thing about Jack Daniels is it looks like tea! +17271,0,I used to date a dentist... but all the random *cavity* searches got to be too much. +17272,0,What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? She just gagged +17273,0,What's the idea weight for a mother-in-law? Around 3.2lbs including the urn. +17274,0,There are so many of these rodent like creatures in this grassland area do you think if we purchased felines to dispose of them it would work? No they are mere cats +17275,0,"Coinstar [#1358] Did I ever tell y'all about my high school job inside a coinstar machine? Trust me I was surprised when I heard about the job too. Anyways so I'm sitting inside the machine helping it sort the coins, and a month in I start hearing a grinding sound. 2 weeks after that the grinding sound is almost gone and I decide to find out what it is before it's gone for good. Turns out a 5 cent piece made it past its spot and into the 10 cent pile and was being ground to shit by the sorting arms. I realized once it was down to the width of the 10 cent it'd be too wide and break the machine, so I had to get it unjammed and out of there. I was able to jam my thumb in and knock it out of place. Hurt like hell but luckily I caught it in the nickel of dimes." +17276,0,What do you call a trailer filled with roosters? Hitchcock. +17277,7,I was just diagnosed with color blindness... ... it came completely out of the purple. +17278,0,What's the best part of dating 28 year olds? There's 20 of them! +17279,1,Three men walked to the top of a slide At the top of the slide there was a wizard. “Say what you wish for and you shall receive your wish at the bottem of the slide” said the wizard. The first man slid down and shouted “SILVER” and at the bottem was alot of silver. The seceond man slid down and shouted “GOLD” and at the bottem was alot of gold The third man slid down the slide amd without thaught shouted “WEEEEEEEEEEEEE” +17280,1,"My friend had a sex change, and I was curious how the procedure went. I asked him what the most painful procedure was. I thought for sure it would be when they chopped off his penis and and turned it into a vagina. He said no. I asked if it was when they gave him a boob job, and he said no. He said the most painful part was when they removed half his brain. " +17281,3,"A man and his wife are driving down a highway... ...and the man is not wearing his seatbelt. He cruises down the Interstate when he notices a couple of cops seated by the road. Quickly, the man reaches for his seatbelt and continues to drive. Unfortunately for him, the cops have already spotted him and have started to catch up to him. The sirens start blowing, and he gets pulled over to the side. The cops knock on his windows, and it rolls down. ""Sir, why were you driving without your seatbelt?"" The man says in retaliation, ""Excuse me, but I *WAS* wearing my seatbelt. I have been wearing it since I started driving, mind you."" The cops fought this argument: ""We distinctly saw you driving unsafely, without a seatbelt."" The man quickly retorts, ""No, I ASSURE you that I was wearing my seatbelt. Are we done here?"" They keep up the banter for a little while, until the man finally says, ""If you don't believe me, ask my dear wife sitting beside me."" So the cops look at his wife. ""Ma'am, is he telling the truth? Was he really wearing his seatbelt?"" The wife looks at the cops, and calmly says, ""I have been married to my husband for over forty years. I have learned many things while being married to him. Many of these lessons I have learned have helped me throughout these years. ""And one of the things I have learned, is to never argue with him while he is drunk.""" +17282,0,I wanted to improve my morning shower thoughts beyond my imagination So I went to bed bath and beyond. +17283,3,You know...if everyone on this world was fat We would all be closer together +17284,2,What happened to the plant in math class? It grew square roots. +17285,3,The handsome radio host Had a call in contest and the first person to call would get anything they asked for within reason. The phones explode with callers and he answers the first caller. It's an old crippled woman who happens to be in a wheelchair. She said she never had a date in her whole life and would like a date with the radio host. The host being a giving man said sure where would you like to go for a date. The old lady said the beach I would love our date to be on the beach. So the next day the radio host picked her up and took her to the beach for a date they laughed and had a good date. at the end of the date the old lady and the host where sitting on the dock and she said this has been the best day of my life I can die happy now. He drops her off at home and then the next morning he does the call in contest again. He said he had such a wonderful time on his date yesterday with the woman he would like to make someones day amazing again so the callers call in and he answers the phone and it's the old woman again. She said I have never been kissed before and I would love to be kissed at the beach so he agreed again with no hesitation. So he picks her up and takes her to the dock on the beach at sunset and gives her an amazing stunning kiss. She looks up to him and says this is the most amazing day of my life I can die happy now. The host drops her off and then the next morning he said I love making people happy so I'm going to do the contest again. The phones explode with calls and it's the old woman again. She says I can't die happy yet I still haven't been f#$&ed. So the host says ok I'll do this for you but this is the last time I can help you ok? So where would you like to be f#$&ed? She said the beach so he picked her up and took her to the beach they end up on the docks and he asked you ready? And the old woman says yes I can't wait. He then pushes her wheelchair off the dock and says your F#$&ed now! This is a joke my dad told me years ago so idk if any of you heard it +17286,0,So she hated my tie... until I told her it was made out 100% Buttafuoco fiber. +17287,0,"How to get the attention of a crew of bricklayers... Yell ""Eh, Tony!""" +17288,1,What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding? Dam it! +17289,3,"Why do you want divorce? Judge: Why do you want divorce? Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils. Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the eyes won't burn. Before washing utensils just immerse them in water tub for 10 minutes , they can be easily washed. Before washing clothes in Surf, soak them in water for half an hour , all the stains will go away and even hands won't get tired. Petitioner: Understood Your honour. Please return my petition. Judge: What have you understood? Petitioner: That your condition is worse than mine. " +17290,1,"The 3 farmers Once there was 3 really poor farmers. One day they saw a flier for the county fair. World's fattest pig wins 1 million dollars. There pig wasn't fat at all but one of the farmers had an idea. They trained a monkey to put corks in bottles. After a week of training the monkey. They throw the monkey in the pig pen with the pig. The monkey puts a cork in the pigs ass. As weeks past, the farmers won the county fair but they noticed the pig looked sad. For the next week they trained the monkey how to take corks out of bottles. Once the monkey got the hang of it, they put him back in the pig pen. There was a giant explosion and a cop wakes up the first farmer. ""What was the last thing you remember?"" The farmer replies, ""There was shit everywhere!"" The cop wakes up the second farmer, ""What was the last thing you remember?"" The second farmer replies,""There was shit everywhere!"" The cop wakes up the last farmer, ""What was the last thing you remember?"" The third farmer replies, ""That poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in.""" +17291,0,If I get a bird I'm naming it Trump cuz all they do is Tweet +17292,1,"The Garden Of Eden Adam was in the Garden of Eden, by himself and very lonely. Yes, it was beautiful, but he had no one to share it with. So he begged the Almighty "" God, I am very lonely. I would love to have a companion to share all of this splendor with."" A bit later God responds ""Adam, I can provide you with the perfect mate. Someone that will cherish you, and stand by your side throughout your life. But I must warn you, the cost will be high."" Adam is overjoyed with the thought of such a companion, but a bit worried about the high cost. ""God, what will this cost me?"" he asks. God replied, ""Adam, it will cost you one arm and one leg."" Wow!!! Thought Adam. That's a lot! ""God, what could I get for just a rib?""" +17293,0,What’s GLaDOS’s favorite video game? Dead Chells. +17294,6,I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet... I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either. +17295,0,Christine Ford to be appointed director of the CIA. She can keep secrets for more than 30 years. +17296,1,Why did the Soviet guy break up with his girlfriend? He saw red flags everywhere. +17297,0,What do you do if an elephant eats you? Run around until you get pooped out. +17298,1,"A friend is like a banana If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die" +17299,4,"A man goes to the doctor He tells him, ""doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself."" The doctor asks, ""You have a fear of what?"" ""I said a fear of-""" +17300,5,Why can't T-Rex's High Five? Because they're all dead +17301,0,"In quantum physics class, a student getting tested on 'Schrodinger's cat' exclaims... ""Sir! The questions on this test are the same as last year's!"" The professor responded, ""yes, but the answers are all different!"" " +17302,3,"A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly... An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times and waves,hops three times and waves.This continued till the rabbit went into the safe surrounding of the forest beyond.A curious onlooker went to the can to see what miracle the lady used to revive the little guy.It was hairspray that read as follows:Gives life to dead hair and a permanent bounce and wave." +17303,0,TIL: Rock band Saliva wrote a tribute song in memory of Kurt Cobain Click Click Boom +17304,2,They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader +17305,0,Before you have sex in College ... ... do you have to attend Sexual Orientation? +17306,5,"I just read that 4,213,257 people got married laat year. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?" +17307,1,"Purple Vein Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy! One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a ""purple vein"". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they slowly rounded the block. After the boy got to school he saw his best friend and asked him. ""Hey I was walking to class and these three older girls called me a purple vein. Any idea what it means?"" His best friend of his short lived elementary experience looked at him with shock and disgust. Appallingly he said ""How could you!? I'm telling Mrs. Reevus!"" Mrs. Reevus comes up to the boy and asks him what is going on? The boy replies ""Well I was walking to school and these three girls called me a purple vein, then I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, do you know what it means Mrs. Reevus?"" The teacher with a sour scowl etched across her face told the boy. ""Son that is enough! Go the principle's office at once!"" They boy is waiting in the principal's office when he hears the principal behind the closed door, the boy sees his principal's shadow through the sand blasted door window. Imprinted says 'Principal McDouglas: Hopkins Elementary'. The well dressed Principal opens the door and says come on in young man. As the boy is entering the room Mr. McDouglas says ""What is the nature of your presence in my office?"" They boy replies with fear of repetition of the past but none-the-less he says ""Well I was walking to school today when three girls approached me and called me a purple vein. I got to school and asked my best friend what a purple vein was, then I talked to the teacher and asked her what a purple vein was, now I am asking you Mr. McDouglas do you know what a purple vein is?"" The Principal had been waiting his whole life for a student like this he takes a deep breath clearly filled with frustration and says ""Son get out of this school! You are expelled. Do not ever try to come back!"" Suddenly the boy is walking home in tears over today's events so far. He gets home and see his mom is doing house chores. He wipes his tears and has the secure feeling of being in his home. She says ""You're home early, everything okay?"" The boy choked as he began to speak ""Well M-M-Mom I was walking to school today when three girls called me a purple vein, I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, he told on me, I talked to the teacher and asked her what a purple vein was, she sent me to the principal, I asked the principal he expelled me, mom do you know what a purple vein is?"" The mother with much disgust look as if she witnessed her son murdering their family pet. She said to the boy ""Go to your room! Do not come out till your father gets home, you hear me boy!"" The boy in tears again says ""Yes, Mother.."" After a few hours with what seemed like forever the father arrives home and the boy is nervously anticipating his father's future approach. Soon he hears him coming up the stairs in a not so relaxed pace, his father opens the door and yells ""What did you do to your mother!?"" The boy tears flowing down his face stuttered out ""Dad I was walking to school and these three girls called me a purple vein, I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, he told on me to the teacher, I asked the teacher what a purple vein was and she sent me to the principal, I then asked the principal what a purple vein was and he expelled me from the school, I got home and asked mom what a purple vein was and she sent me to my room, now dad do you know what a purple vein is?"" His dad with fever and disgust says ""Get out of my house and never come here again! You're not my son anymore!"" The boy had no place to go or knowledge of what to do. He saw a old hobo lady sitting on a bench in the park. He approached the woman and she seemed of warm spirit and cheered him up a bit before she starting asking why he was all by his lonesome. The boy replied "" Well I was walking to school when three girls approached me and called me a purple vein, I got to class and asked my friend what a purple vein was, he told on me to the teacher, I asked the teacher what a purple vein was, she sent me to the principal, I asked him what a purple vein was and he expelled me, I got home and asked mom what a purple vein was and she told on me to my dad, who I asked what a purple vein was and he kicked me out of the house and family. Old hobo lady do you know what a purple vein is?"" The lady look at him and said ""No I do not, but do you see that castle across the street up the hill with the dark clouds and lightning? If you go there, there is a man who knows all and will have your answer."" The boy is hopeful and almost crosses the street before getting hit by a bus.. Moral of the story, look both ways when you cross the road." +17308,0,"I wonder, when they found Chris Cornell's body, was it cold and hard.... like a stone?" +17309,1,The guy that invented autocorrect died yesterday. May he restaurant in peace. +17310,0,Who's the Russian stinking up the bathroom?! That's Vladimir Poopin'. +17311,1,"*Knock-Knock* “Who’s there?!” “It’s Dave!” “Dave who?” *Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers who he is.*" +17312,0,What's blue and fucks old grannies? Me and my lucky blue coat!! +17313,1,Why does the US government not update its privacy policy? You need to have one first before updating anything. +17314,3,The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act! We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt. +17315,0,I heard an immature joke about dildos. Now I'm butthurt. +17316,0,"A Cat Walks Into A Bar A cat walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down and says ""Huh, I thought you were gonna order a saucer of milk"" so the cat changes his mind and orders just that. After lapping up his drink, the cat remains in his seat for half an hour. The bartender finally asks ""What are you still doing here?"" and the cat replies ""I'm just finishing shitting all over your floor."" The bartender cries ""Why the hell would you do that?!"" and the cat says ""Because milk gives cats diarrhea. Maybe you should have stowed your stereotypes and just given me a beer, asshole!""" +17317,3,My penis may not be 12 inches.... But it smells like a foot. +17318,2,"Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, ""So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"" ""No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den.""" +17319,0,Nice jokes! Q. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? A. Because they're Santa's star bucks! +17320,0,What is something that can be written but never spoken? This’s +17321,0,"Guy walks into work with two black eyes Bill walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His friend, Jay, sees this and spits his coffee half way across the break room and exclaims, ""Holy Crap, Bill! What happened to your face??"" Bill says, "" Well, I was at church yesterday minding my own business and an older lady comes back from the bathroom and stands in the pew in front of me. Her dress was tucked into her panty hose, so I thought I would be nice and pull it out for her, gently. She turns around, thinking I was trying to cop a feel on her butt and punched me in the face and gave me a black eye in my right eye!"" Jay looks at him quizzically and asks, ""If she punched in the right eye for pulling her dress out of her panty hose, how did you get a black eye in the other one?"" Bill exclaims, ""I put it back!""" +17322,0,"A nurse hears a dystrophic cry for help The dystrophic yells, ""HELP ME NURSE!"" The young nurse rushes to his bed to aid him, but she can not find him. She hears him call again. ""Come quicker please! The cockroaches have swept me under the rug!""" +17323,2,"What is the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist? One snatches watches, the other watches snatches" +17324,0,"My wife and I discuss a 5yro with leukemia. My wife tells me her friend's 5yr old son was just diagnosed with leukemia. I said ""At least he lived a decent life"". She said ""That's not funny he's only five years old!"" I said: ""That's a lot longer than abortions get"" This is why I have no friends." +17325,4,Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on. His name was FrankEinstein +17326,1,What do they call Four Loko in Mexico? Cuatro Krazy. +17327,0,"In case you didn't know... In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean" +17328,0,"In a contest to jump off the Burj Khalifa and reach the ground first, three people enter. A 200 pound feminist, a 230 pound misogynist and a 300 pound narcissist enter the contest and prepare to jump off the Burj Khalifa. They jump off at the same moment. Who wins? No one, because the narcissist becomes a natural satellite and the other two start gravitating around him" +17329,0,"Aunt Jemima This is the story behind the woman featured in the popular pancake mixes and syrups Long ago, there was a very busy dark-skinned nanny who worked for the Quaker Oats family. She cooked their meals, cleaned their clothes, and spent far more time looking after the children than their actual parents. But when they occassionally called her 'mama', she would shout back 'I aint'cha mama!'" +17330,2,My last two girlfriends were unhygienec and made me very unhappy. I guess you could say they left a sour taste in my mouth. +17331,4,"Screaming Waitress I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy." +17332,1,How are tiles and fat chicks the same? They both get laid by Mexicans. +17333,0,"A Young Rooster A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: ""You deserved it, you horny bastard!"" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.""" +17334,0,"A cashier approaches the oranges section of a fruit market... ...To find an Apple standing there looking perplexed. After asking if he's looking for something in particular, the Apple replies, ""I'm looking for the newest iPhone"". Somewhat confused, the cashier directs him to the nearby apple store, and says that this section of the market only sells oranges. To which the apple replies, ""I was told apples to oranges. So I came here""." +17335,0,"A NIGHT'S SLEEP On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either. The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”" +17336,1,"After my girlfriend put a condiment up my butt without consent, I would not leave my bed for weeks I will not stand for sexual ass salt" +17337,2,I'll never forget the day I almost beat sister Mary in the 300K The feeling was second to nun +17338,0,"I met this guy at the bar last night, he had one drink of the fruit juice and left I guess you could call him One Punch Man. ^^^^^^^I ^^^^^^^tried ^^^^^^^Original ^^^^^^^joke ^^^^^^^by ^^^^^^^/u/DeerThespian " +17339,4,My brother David had his ID stolen Now he's just Dav +17340,0,"A priest in North Carolina is stranded in the floods A guy in a Jeep comes and says: “Come father, let me save you!” “No my son, go help someone less fortunate than me” says the priest. The water rise more and the priest is on the second floor now A guy in a boat comes and says: “Come father, let me save you!” “No my son, go help someone less fortunate than me” says the priest. The waters rise more and the priest is on the roof now. Another guy in a helicopter comes and says: “Come father, let me save you!” “No my son, go help someone less fortunate than me” says the priest. The waters rise more and the priest drowns He goes to the pearly gates and demands to see god. “God, I’ve dedicated my whole life to you why did you not save me?” God: “I sent you a fucking Jeep, boat, and a helicopter! And if you hadn’t molested all of those kids, they would have picked you up!” " +17341,0,How do mycologists organize different kinds of fungi that they discover and examine? Using the Mildewey Decimal System. +17342,0,My family is full of long livers. My dad's liver is three feet long. +17343,3,"An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, ""Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."" Reflecting, the man says, ""I'll take the wisdom"" ""Wisdom is yours,"" says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, ""I should have taken the money.""" +17344,0,Whats the difference....? What's the difference between a lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a lamborghini in my garage. +17345,2,The lazy composer was a busy man as he had several scores to settle +17346,2,A Blonde Joke Q: What are the best ten years of a blonde's life? A: Third Grade +17347,1,"An Eskimo's snowmobile breaks down He brings it to the local mechanic who after some time pulls the whole engine apart and finds the problem. Mechanic says ""looks like you blew a seal"" Eskimos wipes his face quickly and says ""Oh, That's just mayonnaise""" +17348,0,"A man walks into a hotel with his family...[NSF L] ...and the father goes to the front desk and says ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The guy at the desk replies. ""Yes, all hotel entertainment systems have adult verification enabled."" The man's children are unperturbed, they access better quality adult content from their smartphones than a hotel TV." +17349,2,What twitches at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck +17350,0,God leaves the chat God: \\*creates ass for taking shits\\* Humans: \\*eats ass\\* God: Am I a Joke To You? +17351,1,"(Psychiatrist's office) There's a man who thinks he's invisible. Secretary: ""Sir, there's a man outside who thinks that he's invisible."" Psychiatrist: ""Tell him I can't see him right now.""" +17352,3,"A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another. The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, ""How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"" The man says, ""Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."" " +17353,0,How do you know when someone isn't a vegan? They're beating a dead horse. +17354,3,"Someone kidnapped my mother-in-law He threatened that unless I pay up, he'll release her." +17355,0,Do you know what's the sexiest form of public transportation? A Succubus +17356,1,My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father Both disappeared after I've played with them +17357,5,Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right +17358,1,"John Cena, Bruce Willis, and a master assassin walk into a bar ""H-h-hello? W-w-who's there?!"" asked the bartender to the front doors that just opened on their own." +17359,0,"Afraid of zombies Daddy, I'm afraid of Zombies... Zombies aren't real my boy, they are just people with makeup. Just like Mommy? Yup, just like your Mommy..." +17360,1,No Bird is a virgin They've all been laid +17361,2,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day." +17362,2,"Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?" +17363,3,"Have you heard of this bad doctor? When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs. One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands." +17364,5,"I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless. I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead Edit: Apologies that it is a repost, didn't know. Well, you can bet your ass I ain't getting any of these from Twitter again." +17365,1,"I was walking down the grocery store aisle... ...and I saw a package of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and I thought to myself, ""Well, what the hell is it then?""" +17366,1,I just bought myself a new blindfold. I can't see myself wearing it. +17367,0,"My wife text messaged me as I was having sex with a hot chick met on reddit ""What are you doing"" asked she. ""I'm fcking"" ""You what""? ""I'm fcking"" ""Do you mean fucking ?"" ""No, I mean Fucking without u""" +17368,0,Alzheimers I love alzeimers...cos every day I meet new people +17369,5,Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets? It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives. +17370,0,Why did the French monarchy embrace nihilism in the absence of a dauphin? Because they no longer had a *porpoise* +17371,0,"A homeless man is selling cookies A customer walks by and sees what this homeless man is doing, and thinks, ""At least he's trying to earn money."" He then asks the homeless man, ""What kind of cookies are they?"" The homeless man says, ""They are pussy cookies, they taste like pussy."" The customer then confused, but curious, he precedes to go ahead and buy a cookie. After he takes a bite, he says, ""These cookies taste like shit!"" The homeless man says, ""Well then flip it over!"" Edit: spelling" +17372,1,How do you get a guy to walk four times further than necessary? Stand at the second urinal. +17373,1,"When it comes to early 2000s R&B, nothing beats Rihanna... Except maybe Chris Brown" +17374,0,What's Quentin Tarantino's favorite place to visit? http://www.wikifeet.com/ +17375,6,"Dad called me a cunt I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, ""you bastard, it's the thought that counts."" I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs" +17376,8,"A wife is yelling at her husband ""Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"" As he walks out the door she screams: ""I hope you die a slow and painful death!"" The guy says: ""So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"" " +17377,2,How to write a paper at Moscow University: 1) Putin it off 2) Stalin it 3) And then Russian to finish it. +17378,2,What do reused jokes and your girlfriend have in common? You hear them coming a mile away. +17379,0,I spilled flour on my coffee machine one could call it a mealy-machine. +17380,0,What is Western culture? stinky poop booties +17381,2,"Recycling is important... I went to the bar last night. I saw two rather large ladies having a great time. They seemed to be speaking in an Irish accent. I sauntered over and asked them ""Are you ladies from Ireland?"" They responded, ""It's Wales, you idiot!"" I apologized immediately and said ""Are you whales from Ireland?"" I don't remember much after that. I woke up as a marine biologist!" +17382,5,"When I was a younger kid, I smart-mouthed my mom and she told me to 'watch it'. Now I'm afraid of clowns and balloons. What was mom thinking?!" +17383,0,"Years ago, my friend and I where working on his car... had to drain a little bit of gas, so we put it in a little bowl, left it on the driveway and continued with our work. A few minutes later happened to look up and noticed one of the neighborhood cats was licking up the gas...we both yelled at the stupid cat! Well, it took off running wildy...It got to the first driveway it jumped up and did a triple flip in the air, it kept on running and when it got to the next driveway, another flip and a couple of complete twists! It got to the third driveway, jumped into the air, but no tricks this time and it only kinda half jumped, it landed and just sat there....what happened you ask? It ran out of gas." +17384,0,What do you call the composer's tortoise? Bach's turtle +17385,0,What song does Quasimodo hate the most? Fire Water Burn by the Bloodhound Gang. +17386,1,"What the difference between a nun in a bathtub & a nurse in the bathtub? One has soul full of hope & one has a hole full of soap... I'll walk myself out, sorry first post here " +17387,1,Why shouldn't you tattle on a video game streamer? Because twitches get glitches +17388,0,Why do woman vacuum? So they can practice there sucking. +17389,1,My friend told me he could survive being frozen to -273.15 °C Weird flex but 0K +17390,3,"How many blondes does it take to wash a car? Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and forth." +17391,1,"I shot a man... ... with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye" +17392,1,What is Norway? It is how a Geordie expresses disbelief. +17393,2,In “Slaughter” the S comes first. Then laughter comes. +17394,0,I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way. How do they fit a rucksack on a cow? +17395,3,I have to return my blindfold I just can’t see myself wearing it +17396,2,I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves. +17397,0,"If Donald Trumps Presidency was a TV show, what would it be called? Orange Is The New Black. " +17398,0,I believe the sexual assault allegations again Roy Moore are false... Everyone knows any good woman or girl would have been at home in the kitchen... +17399,2,"Dave and Dick walk into a bar order beers and start complaining about not having girl friends. Dave asks Dick ""You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"" Dick says, ""Yeah, all the time."" Dave asked, ""Why is that?"" Bartender says, ""I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."" do you want another round?""." +17400,0,Why don't seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they'd be bagels +17401,0,"What's the difference between anal sex and oral sex? One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak. " +17402,0,A perfect world is like heaven: it doesn't exist. +17403,4,"Irish woman and the milkman Little old Irish woman is sitting on her porch waiting for the milkman. He arrives and drops off her milk. She says “Oh thank you, but for next time could you bring me 500 pints of milk?” “500 pints of milk?!!” the man says, “Whatcha need 500 pints of milk fer?!” The old woman says “I’d like to take a milk bath.” The milkman says “Well, alright then..would you like the milk pasteurized?” The woman replies “Oh no, just up to me tits is fine.”" +17404,0,I think I was raped yesterday So I was sitting on a wack-a-mole machine +17405,0,What’s Kevin Spacey’s least favorite Elton John song? Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. +17406,0,Round metal object they throw at the olympics Discuss. +17407,2,What do you call a bisexual racecar driver? The fast and the curious +17408,2,"I support gay marriage, I believe they have a right to be As miserable as the rest of us." +17409,0,"I was on the bus & this really sexy Thai chick sat next to me... I was on the bus & this really sexy Thai chick sat next to me. I said to myself ""Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection""...but she did." +17410,2,"So, an elementary teacher in Chicago is on her first day at the job... To get to know her students, she asks ""Hey, which of you guys love the White Sox?"" and everyone but one of her students exitedly raises their hands. So she asks the single student why he doesn't love the White Sox. And the kid replies ""Uh, I dunno... my mother was a cheerleader for the Cubs, and my dad played for them, and they met that way... so, of course I love them?"". And the teacher says ""Oh. But you don't have to love a team because of your parents. If your father was a random pimp and your mother was some crack-whore?"". ""I guess then I'd be a White Sox fan...""." +17411,1,Have you ever heard of Christmas Adam? It comes before Eve and isn't nearly as satisfying +17412,0,Why were there only 2000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo? They only had 2 trucks. +17413,2,"I tried to join a gymnastics class, once. I had to bend over backwards just to get in. Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke." +17414,0,"Is there an afterlife? A year after Pat's best friend died, Pat heard his familiar voice as he woke up. ""Pat, it's me, just got time for a quick visit,"" the voice said. ""So good to hear you,"" Pat said, ""What's the afterlife like?"" ""It's sex, sex, sex, all the time,"" said the voice. ""Day and night, nothing but sex."" ""Wow,"" said Pat. ""You definitely made it to heaven."" ""Actually,"" said the voice, hesitating, ""I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan.""" +17415,0,"Did you know that peas are male? It's true! Try making a vegetable stew. Everything blends together a bit, but the carrots don't lose their carrotness, the potatoes don't lose their potatoness, and the peas don't lose their peaness." +17416,1,"For those who can't eat their vegetables bc of the wheelchair: There IS a chocolate shake with every one, all you have to do is pull out the straw. Edit: a word" +17417,0,What kind of donut always tastes the same? A synonym donut. +17418,1,Did you hear about the lady that went deep sea fishing with a few guys? She came back with a Red Snapper +17419,1,This is odd. People started naming their food in the office fridge. Today I ate a sandwich named Linda.. +17420,5,"What do you call a head injury at a drummer's convention in Moscow, Russia? A concussion at the Russian percussion discussion." +17421,7,"Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared ""mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow""" +17422,8,8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people +17423,0,"West Indies ships A naval commander is set up in a bay with a small fleet of ships protecting a trade route. They have been told to watch for pirate activity in the area, and were being extra careful. One afternoon over the horizon peaks a group of a few ships. The quartermaster yells to the commander that the ships are coming from the direction of the West Indies, and could possibly be pirates. Without hesitation the commander yells ""prepare for battle. Sink those ships!"" ""But commander"" questioned the quartermaster ""*why* are we sinking the West Indies ships?"". ""What do you mean?"" barked the commander ""it would be much harder out of them""" +17424,2,"A man is waiting on the bus... ""Would you mind coming down?"" The driver asked politely." +17425,2,[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk... but milk from male cows is coming! +17426,4,"My friends keep telling me that make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me. Because all my sex is made up." +17427,5,There is a time and place for decaf coffee Never and in the trash. +17428,1,Three things I really hate: 1. Bad Speeling 2. Incomplete lists 3. +17429,4,"I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac." +17430,2,"Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet ...and says ""i think my fish is epileptic"",the vet looks and says ""he looks fine to me.paddy replies,""hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet""." +17431,2,Why is Hillary running for President? Because it's easier than running from the law. +17432,2,There's a strange new trend in my office... People have started naming food in the office fridge Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin. +17433,1,"A dyslexic man turned up at the hospital with a head injury so severe that his brain was literally hanging out, yet he claimed to have no knowledge of how it happened. He was diagnosed with a spilt personality." +17434,8,I have two requirements in my will.... 1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World 2) I do not want to be cremated. +17435,0,"A guy walks into a shrink's office and says... ""I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee."" The psychiatrist says, ""Relax, you're two tents.""" +17436,0,"Did you hear the one about the airplane? Meh, It'll probably go over your head. " +17437,0,"Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the sandbox? Because, she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying, ""Lie to me! Lie to me!""" +17438,0,What do you call the hot tub that two folks just made love in? H2OOOHHHGG +17439,1,"Three guys go camping and have to share a tent. The three guys get to laying down for the night, and they lay down side by side in the tent. They all wake up and the guy on the left says "" Man.. I had the greatest dream that a gorgeous woman was jerking me off!"" The guy on the right says "" I had that very same dream!"" The guy in the middle says "" I didn't have that dream.. but I did dream I went cross country snow skiing..""" +17440,0,When is a booger not a booger? When it's snot. +17441,1,I am a waiter in need of false teeth. Do I need to look for a new job? I don't think indentured servants are legal any more. +17442,1,Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand? He had too many books to fit on it +17443,0,What do you call a crazy song about a duck and a rabbit? Looney Tunes +17444,1,"I was traveling through Paris yesterday, just seeing the sights... And I think I dropped my mixtape somwhere. If you find it plz PM me." +17445,1,"Two drunk men go to a brothel Two drunk men go to a brothel and the woman in charge tell them that only Clara is available. The less drunk man looks at the other, then says to the woman ""Look at him, he is so much drunk he can't even stand. Give him a inflatable love doll, he won't make a difference"". The woman agreed and both men walk to their rooms. Next morning, the two men meet again and one ask:"" - So, how was your night ? - Amazing, her name was Clara and we did everything ! And... what about you ? - At first it was hot, but then I bit her ass and she flew through the opened window...""" +17446,0,How do you write poop in Australia? dood +17447,0,I hope none of my housemates see this... I had a pretty decent lunch today It was nothing to write home about +17448,1,How's the iPhone X design? Top notch! +17449,0,I was going to write a joke about a whore's corpse. But it's already been done to death. +17450,2,"Drunk guy gets arrested by a female cop Starts reading his rights "".. Anything you say can and will be used against you"" ""Tits""." +17451,2,"Pirate: The Cannons be ready, captain! Captain: Are." +17452,0,"I had five guys last night... ...Dave, Troy, Darren, Simon & Paul. " +17453,2,"Maybe Trump really did meet with the president of the Virgin Islands. After all, he consults him on foreign policy." +17454,1,What did the vato loco say when his house collapsed on him? Get off me holmes!! +17455,0,What's an anagram for Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski +17456,2,What do you call someone who is attracted to Middle Easterns? A Hummusexual. +17457,3,What was the pirate boxing champion known for? His left hook. +17458,0,"What is something both a white police officer and a painter regularly say? ""Let's make the jail cells more colorful.""" +17459,0,My brother brags about his chemistry marks all the time so I did what any butthurt kid would do and kicked his ass in call of duty. Me: Wanna rematch? Him: Na! Me: Why so salty? +17460,0,I used to love playing flash light hide and seek when I was younger... But this new game where they put them on top of cars is way better! +17461,2,What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line +17462,0,Don't miss the extreme needleworking camp-out this weekend. It's sew in tents! +17463,0,"What's the difference between a good assistant and an excellent assistant? A good assistant says: ""Good morning Mr. President"" An excellent assistant on the other hand, says: ""It's morning Mr. President"" " +17464,0,"[OC] What do you tell a preacher when they invite you over for spaghetti dinner? ""Pasta pasta, pasta."" :) EDIT: Say it out loud." +17465,1,"You may have heard of Netflix and Chill, But have you heard of ABC and get the D?" +17466,0,What transportation do cool kids use? The suhh-way. +17467,1,Why was the man happy when his glass of wine started levitating? Because his spirits were lifted! +17468,10,"Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers. Jim turns to Bob, and says, ""You know what, I'm going to go to college!"" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. ""Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes,"" the Dean says. ""English, Math, Science, and Logic."" ""Logic?"" Jim asks. ""What the hell is that?"" ""Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"" Proudly, Jim responded, ""Yes, I do."" ""Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn,"" the Dean said. ""Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"" ""Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."" ""Yes, yes I do have a house!"" ""And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."" ""Yes, yes I do have a family!"" ""And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."" ""Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!"" Jim exclaimed. ""Yeah, that's what logic is,"" the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. ""Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic,"" Jim told Bob. ""Logic?"" Bob asks. ""What the hell is that?"" ""Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"" ""No."" ""Then you're gay.""" +17469,1,"Anniversary Gifts NSFW Two friends have the same anniversary date. They get together for a beer and compare what they each got for their wife. The first friend begins. ""I got my wife a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."" His friend replies, ""Wow, why did you get her both of those?"" ""Well if she doesnt like the ring, she can drive the Mercedes to trade it in for something else. What did you get your wife?"" The other friend shrugs and says, ""Eh, I got her a pair of shoes and a dildo."" ""Shoes and a dildo? Why did you get her that?"" The friend then says, ""Well, if she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself!""" +17470,2,"A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster." +17471,0,"Russian TV Russian TV News Anchor: And now, our viewers favorite news segment: bad news from America ... " +17472,0,What if Gatorade was invented for Florida State instead of the Gators? Would it be called Seminole Fluid? +17473,0,What do you call a loaf of bread which is also a popular hip hop artist? Lil Yeasty +17474,2,"Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day. Steve suddenly fell off, and it killed him instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them will have to tell Steve's wife about the incident. Bob said he was good at the sensitive stuff, so he volunteered for the job. After two hours he returned, carrying a six-pack of beer. ""So, did you tell her?"" Asked Jeff. Bob replied, ""yupp."" ""Where did you get that six-pack?"" ""She gave it to me!"" ""Why?"" ""Well,"" Bob continued, ""when she answered the door, I asked her, are you Steve's widow? 'Widow?!"" She exclaimed, 'no no you must be mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said, I'll bet a six-pack you are!""" +17475,3,"Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have? AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS." +17476,1,What does one call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change.... +17477,1,What did the bikini-clad woman who was on the beach say when Michael Jackson approached? Get out of my sun!! +17478,2,Do you know what the hardest part about eating vegetables is? The wheel chairs +17479,3,Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands in the air. But how would I catch them? +17480,0,"A waitress entered a beer sales contest. She had entered because she thought she was gonna win a new toyota. She really wanted that toyota so she tried very hardly to win, and entered up winning. When she got her prize, she found out it was a new Toy Yoda action figure. This girl was pretty disappointed. Well, she used to be a blonde before she died her hair." +17481,0,"What did the doctor say to the severely injured lumberjack? ""Don't have sex with your ax.""" +17482,0,"The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card." +17483,3,What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the outside but BMWs have them on the inside. +17484,6,The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq They call it the Sims Note: this technically a repost +17485,4,"I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter. Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter. And I thought, ""That's pretty nuts""" +17486,1,"What's hard, long and has cum in it? A Cucumber..." +17487,2,I was fat and had a beer belly so big i couldn't see my toes. so i prayed to be able to see my toes again. ​ i can now proudly say i am the record holder for the largest feet in the world +17488,2,There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t. +17489,0,"What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, always has six letters, can has three letters, maybe has five letters, but never has five letters? Nothing." +17490,0,Donald Trump is president Please let this be a joke. Please let this be a joke... PLEASE... let this be a joke... EDIT: Seems like Trump is using reddit now. +17491,1,"Canadian Government Global Warming Prevention Plan. After hearing what will happen with Global Warming, the Canadian goernment had their best engineers design a new Never Melting Ice Capp, comes in pumpkin spice every Fall at your local Tim Hortons." +17492,0,How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a shovel +17493,0,Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween and Christmas? because 31(oct) = 25(dec) +17494,0,"Horcrux **Horcrux**, *n. 1.* A receptacle prepared by dark magic in which a Dark wizard has intentionally hidden a fragment of his soul for the purpose of attaining immortality. **Horclux**, *n. 1.* A promiscuous chicken." +17495,2,Why does Swedish sugar taste better? It’s Sweder +17496,3,What kind of bagel can fly? Plain Bagel +17497,0,What do you call a girl without arms and legs? A fuck nugget +17498,5,"A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, ""Jesus is watching you."" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, ""Jesus is watching you."" Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?"" he hissed at the parrot. ""Yep,"" the parrot confessed, then squawked, ""I'm just trying to warn you."" The burglar relaxed. ""Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"" ""Moses,"" replied the bird. ""Moses?"" the burglar laughed.. ""What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"" ""The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.""" +17499,0,When do lesbians have sex? When neither of their stomachs hurt. +17500,1,"Don't worry, it's not sexist! I'm half woman on my mothers side." +17501,3,"What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna." +17502,3,Found out my crush likes me back! I just wish I could post this in literally any other sub. +17503,0,What do you call somebody that doesn't like how some people walk? A Gaitkeeper +17504,1,I've decided to scrap my plans for the invisible scoreboard I just don't see the point +17505,4,"My son just walked in crying, saying he was scared as Trump won. I said, fuck off, you're 22 & British. Oh yes he replied & went to work." +17506,1,"Im so old, the DJ in this bar just dedicated his next set to me ! ...and turned off the music " +17507,2,"A jumper cable walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ""I'll serve ya but don't start anything.""" +17508,2,A cop just killed my GTA V character even thoug he's white... Anyone else experiencing this bug? +17509,4,"A man asks a farmer near a field A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”" +17510,0,Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving. +17511,2,You know you're old... When your stripper has braces and you're wondering how much her parents paid for them. +17512,1,"Girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke." +17513,0,I was going to put my phone in the rubbish bin... Then i remembered I have reddit installed and follow r/jokes so i chucked it into the recycling bin. +17514,1,What's the difference between a Russian bot and a sincere Trump supporter? One of them actually exists and the other *ees teepeecal Amyerikyan pyatriot*. +17515,2,What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic? A Warsaw +17516,1,What did the FBI agent say to R Kelly upon his arrest? Urine trouble now! +17517,0,"Have you heard about that online origami store? Yea,it folded." +17518,4,"Worst wifi password ever. USER: What's the wifi password? TECH: fourwordsalluppercase USER: [typing] FOUR WORDS ALL UPPERCASE TECH: No. It's one word, all lowercase. USER: [typing] onewordalllowercase TECH: [screaming] NO, it's ""fourwordsalluppercase""! ONE WORD, ALL LOWERCASE!!!" +17519,3,"The Gynaecologist’s Assistant A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. ""Can you give me some more details?"" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, ""The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque, New Mexico” ""Good grief, is that where the job is?"" ""No sir..............that's where the end of the line is right now...""" +17520,3,I like my women how I like my coffee I don't like coffee. +17521,2,If a Special-Ed student is late more than once... Does that make him re-tardy? +17522,4,"A man walks into a bar... He sits down and asks the bartender, “do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?” The bartender replies, “no we only have plane ones.”" +17523,3,People who get road rage against people riding bicycles. They've got serious cyclelogical issues. +17524,0,I feel bad for that antivax kid who got tetanus. He was lying in pain on what could’ve been his debt bed. +17525,3,"My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. ""Excuse me,"" she said, ""I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, ""Not bad.""" +17526,1,I made two New Year's resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating I'll make my second one later +17527,1,Whenever I look in the mirror I call myself ugly. because it hurts more coming from someone pretty. +17528,4,"I said to my wife, ""I need to call the doctor today."" She asked, ""Oh, which doctor?"" I chuckled, ""No, the regular kind.""" +17529,1,What do you call a sick lizard? A reptile dysfunction. +17530,4,How do you make a Tupac cocktail? Start by putting six shots in it. +17531,1,What do you call a juice without ice? Ju +17532,0,"Speaker of British Parliament John Bercrow has lost his voice. He is just, out of ORRRRDERRRRRRRR!" +17533,2,"What don't you want to hear after your prostate exam? As the doctor leaves, a nurse comes in and says ""Who the hell was that?""" +17534,2,My friend is a magician and he said he could make a chicken hatch back into an egg But first he would need to add a rear door to the chicken coupe +17535,1,"Teacher in a class room, asked a student: Teacher in a class room, asked a student: ""You've got $4,000 but your best friend texts you, I need $2,000 and your wife texts you I need $1,000. *What r u left with now?* Student: *Rs. 4,000 and 2 Unread Messages!!*" +17536,7,"A guy with a gun walks into a bar.. ""Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!"" A voice from the back shouted ""I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"" " +17537,0,Why didn't Johnson Space Center in Houston get one of the retired Space Shuttle orbiters? Because Texas already got Columbia. +17538,0,Why do steaks have USDA stamped on them? Because they USDA be cows +17539,5,"I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard. While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic waves. Normally, Maxwellian waves are invisible, but these waves, I could actually see! The frequency was so high, I am certain that the ionizing radiation could cause cancer, not to mention some very nasty radiation burns. However, it was there, and I wanted to put it to good use. So I purchased a condensed matter quantum physics band-gap based electromagnetic-wave-to-electricity transducer. I used the transduced fusion generated electricity to run my computer to type this post. It works really great...except at night. Or when it's cloudy. [Edit -- Modified title, and inserted into body. Added a couple adjectives.] [Edit2 -- Added condensed matter, radiation burns and cancer causing. All 100% true! I think it is absolutely amazing that we can actually do this today, and it is even very common.]" +17540,0,if you live alone when should you remember to buy food ? Whenever ! +17541,0,"Why don't Americans get irony or laugh at clever, mature jokes? Because they are all stupid-heads and they smell of wee wee." +17542,7,"I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat. I hate cops." +17543,4,"H I When I read the letters H-I in the alphabet, I thought I had made a friend. But then I read the next two letters." +17544,4,What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre +17545,0,"Martians Go To Earth First they visit America. ""We are here to steal all your minerals! Surrender now."" The Martian exclaims. ""Go to China, they have lots of coal!"" Americans replied. So he went to China He repeated his speech. ""Go to Russia, they have alcohol!"" The Chinese said Yet again, the Martian repeated what he previously stated. ""Go to Poland, they have better Vodka!"" The Russians replied. ""I am here to steal all your mine-"" the Martian paused as he looked behind himself to find out his spaceship had been stolen. ""Who stole my spaceship!"" He exclaimed. But it was too late. His spacesuit had also been stolen and he suffocated due to a deadly dose of oxygen." +17546,0,Which famous psychologist could easily transition into a rap career? Jung Carl +17547,2,"My buddy needed some help redoing some posts for his fence so I recommended r/jokes they're reposting kings. edit: so I'm a total misogynist ""they're reposting royalty""*" +17548,2,Thank god for fingers You can always count on them +17549,1,My danish friend pranked me by giving me laxative cookies I never thought he'd stroop so low +17550,2,"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He ""fell""." +17551,2,The affair A 29 year old man was dating a woman called ‘Lorraine’ they had been together a few years but the relationship started to get stale. One night the man went to a bar to get away from his wife and met a woman named “Clearly” they hit it off and went back to hers to have sex. The man becomes confused as he doesn’t know how to break it to his girlfriend that he doesn’t want to see her anymore. In a twist of fate Lorraine is diagnosed with a terminal illness and sadly passes away after a few weeks. The man goes to her funeral partly upset and partly relieved. During the service he stands up to sings “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone” +17552,0,Did you here Whitey Bulger was put in solitary confinement because he was caught masterbating in his cell? It was a sticky situation. +17553,2,My teacher got mad at me when I had sex with the only girl in my class Homeschool problems. +17554,0,My favorite part about 0degree weather is that it makes 10degrees feel like 20 degrees +17555,5,"How many buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the enlightment comes from within." +17556,3,"A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, ""Is everything okay at the office?"" ""Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."" ""Can you do me a favor?"" ""Of course, what is it?"" ""Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole.""" +17557,0,I never liked incest or anything of that sort. I guess you could say I’m *relatively normal.* +17558,1,I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw! +17559,2,I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators They really got in on the ground floor. +17560,0,What is the sharpest tool in the shed? The SUHHH DUDE! +17561,0,I knew I was high when... the Peruvian flute music I was listening to turned out to be the beeping of a nearby truck backing up as I waited for my train at the station. +17562,2,"A ship is navigating along the Mediterranean coastline through some thick fog... One of the crew members approaches the captain. ""Sir I think we made a wrong turn and were heading downriver though Egypt."" ""Egypt?"" The captain ponders over his charts for a moment before shaking his head ""No no, I think were definitely on course"" The crew member shrugs and returns to his post. ""What did he say?"" Another crew member asks him. ""Well, he says were still on course, but hes definitely in denial.""" +17563,7,"It the event of a fire, what steps should you take? Fucking large ones." +17564,0,Why would anyone want a hand job from a ten year old? It makes your dick look HUUGE! +17565,3,"XXX Joke Once in a while comes a XXX joke that needs a salute. A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: ""I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity."" She gave a naughty smile and said: ""KISS MY ASS.""" +17566,0,"Did you hear about the apiarist who had lice in his eyelashes? You know what they say, cooties are in the eyes of the bee holder." +17567,0,"How is my guitar skill? Boyfriend: How is my guitar skill? Girlfriend: You should be on TV for your talent. Boyfriend: Am I so good? Girlfriend: If you were on TV, I can at least switch it off. Mystic Castle will come soon，come to play and explore!" +17568,2,"What did the first tampon say to the second tampon? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts. " +17569,0,Knock knock Who's there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly +17570,2,I threw a sex party But no one came +17571,4,Come over A guy and a girl had been flirting for sometime. One day the girl says “come over there’s no one at home” So the guys quickly goes to the girls house and starts ringing the doorbell. He knocks and rings the doorbell again several times but... nobody answered +17572,0,Trying to piss with a boner is like North Korea trying to bomb the US It always misses. +17573,1,How do you get down off an elephant? You don't - you get down off a duck. *(This joke can also serve as a test of English fluency. You're welcome.)* +17574,0,"A Donkey walks into a bar As the donkey takes a seat, the bartender asks ""what will you be drinking tonight?"" The donkey replies, ""give me a shot of your most expensive drink, the top of the top shelf, whatever has the most zeros in its price tag!"" The bartender then asks, ""alright, that will be one moment my good sir, what's the special occasion?"" The donkey replies, ""I just got my Masters degree and I feel like I'm on top of the world!"" The bartender's snarky response was ""wow, I didn't know they let barn animals into colleges these days. What's your degree in, grain-munching?"" The donkey replied, ""don't be a smart-ass.""" +17575,3,What’s Medusa’s favourite cheese? Gorgonzola. +17576,2,Yodas Logic Anakin: Are we going the right way? Yoda: Offcourse we are. +17577,0,"So Today is International Women's day, huh? I could have sworn it was next Tuesday" +17578,0,"A man goes into ER and say's he's got six plastic horses stuck in his ass... Don't worry, the doctors described his condition as stable" +17579,1,"A man walks into a diner for breakfast... He asks to look at the special. The waitress tells him the special is chicken tongue. Horrified, the man says ""I would never eat something that came out of a chicken's mouth!"" ""Fine,"" says the waitress, ""What'll you have?"" The man replies, ""Two scrambled eggs please.""" +17580,4,"A man walks into a bar with a dog A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, ""You can't bring that dog in here."" ""You don't understand,"" says the man. ""This is no regular dog, he can talk."" ""Listen, pal,"" says the bartender. ""If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."" The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, ""What's on top of a house?"" ""Roof!"" ""Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"" ""Bark!"" ""And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"" ""Ruth!"" ""I guess you've heard enough,"" says the man. ""I'll take the hundred in twenties."" The bartender is furious. ""Listen, pal,"" he says, ""get out of here before I belt you."" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, ""Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?""" +17581,1,I've haven't made up my mind on masturbation... ...on one hand it feels good. +17582,1,"True story: Girlfriend: Great now I only have 2 hours to get ready Guy: That seems like enough time Girlfriend: I have to shave Guy: Oh shoot, that'll be cutting it pretty close" +17583,1,What does the Hulk call his grandmother? Gam ma +17584,2,"Why do they call a roach clip a roach clip? 'Cause the name ""Pot Holder"" was already taken. " +17585,2,"Comparing dick size is like asking the difference between guac and guacamole... They're both the same thing, one's just a lot less of a mouthful." +17586,1,"The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life. The bad news is, your wallet is empty." +17587,2,What do you get when you give a seal an extra electron? A sealion +17588,0,"Whats the difference between Scientists and Engineers? Scientists use complex formulas to solve the problem, and engineers use duct tape." +17589,1,"God's Dead Dog Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. ""You know,"" Mom said, ""it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."" Susie stopped crying and asked, ""What would God want with a dead dog?""" +17590,0,What's the most popular band in Japan? Fallout Boy. +17591,2,"What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding? At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant. At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant." +17592,3,"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they ." +17593,3,"I celebrate Halloween in August When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff. " +17594,0,"Just came from the cardiologist.. Said I owe $10,000 and have a year to pay. I said, ' I've never paid $10,000 in one year for anything.' He said, 'fair enough, you've got 5 years'." +17595,0,I submitted my DNA for genetic testing and the lab wrote back that I'm related to Donald Trump! I guess that's what I get for using 24 and me . . . +17596,1,Whats black and white and red all over? Obama with a sun burn +17597,0,"Romanian (dry) joke Two submarines meet: ""How much?"" ""7"" ""What 7?"" ""What 'how much'?""" +17598,0,"An astronaut's wife says to him, worried: ""You can't go to Mars! It is too dangerous!"" To which he answers: ""I'm sorry love, I do what I musk.""" +17599,2,"A couple is married for many years... They have 4 children, the older 3 are all really good looking, but the youngest one is really ugly. On his deathbed, the man says to his wife “There’s something I have to ask you. It doesn’t matter if you say “yes” or “no” because we’ve had so many wonderful years together and nothing could change that. I’ve always suspected our last child isn’t mine. Please tell me the truth.. is he mine?” The wife says to her dying husband “yes honey, he is really your child”. Immediately after she answers, the husband dies. The wife looks over to the doctor standing in the room and says “thank goodness he didn’t ask about the first three”." +17600,1,What diet did the ghost developer go on? Boolean. +17601,2,One should avoid marriage at any cost. Marriage is hard work. And compromise. And more work. Even Hitler committed suicide 40 hours after marriage. +17602,0,For the Metallica fans: What did James Hetfield get arrested for? Battery +17603,1,I’m putting a performance on Broadway... It’s called The Alphabet: A Play On Words. +17604,2,"My entire life, I've often been told that it's always better to have a plan... Except, apparently, when it comes to murder. Then somehow its worse; or so the judge tells me." +17605,0,"Someone opened a restaurant on Alcatraz recently On the day it opened, I was walking along the Embarcadero with my wife and was suddenly overwhelmed by a delicious aroma. So I turned and asked my wife: Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?" +17606,1,What do gay horses eat. HAAAAYYYYYYY +17607,2,"My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said... But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it." +17608,2,Why do women have 2 titties? To prove that man can multitask +17609,1,My psychologist told me.... My psychologist told me to stop being so narcissistic and surround myself with great people. So I installed mirrors all over my house. +17610,1,9 months isn't all that long It only feels like a maternity +17611,2,My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore... My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would need to quit. Then I caught her buying expensive makeups. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that's what the beer was for. +17612,1,Never call a girl fat. Because she will always remember it...that's because elephants never forget. +17613,2,What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (Choking Noises) +17614,0,What do you call a T-Rex with Herpes? A Vaginasore +17615,1,What do Russians say when they have no internet? Inter-niet. +17616,2,"A Briton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a North Korean . . . A Briton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a North Korean are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve . . . ""Look at their calm and reserve,"" says the Briton. ""Surely they must be British!"" ""Nonsense,"" replies the Frenchman, ""they are beautiful: surely they must be French!"" ""They have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat and are being told this is paradise,"" says the Russian. ""They are Russian."" The group looks expectantly to the North Korean. ""What?"" says the North Korean. ""They have an apple.""" +17617,1,What makes for a great relationship but a shit gaming partner? Someone who goes down a lot. +17618,2,What's the difference between a video game console and a glue factory One's a Sony Playstation and the other's a pony slaystation. +17619,0,Roses are red... Our flag is too Raise your hand to the sky And gas all the jews +17620,0,"KID: My new bicycle has been stolen! POLICE: When did you notice? KID: This morning. POLICE: Do you have a suspect? KID: Yes, my mum and dad. POLICE: Why do you suspect them? KID: Yesterday at midnight, I heard mum say, ""Make it stand so I can sit on it very well."" and dad said, ""Climb up fast before it falls."" I then heard mum say, ""Push Slowly, don't hurt me!" +17621,0,Why did the scarecrow get multiple promotions? Because he was outstanding in his field. +17622,0,"I went to the tattoo and piercing parlour and claimed to the store owner ""It's quick, it's easy and it's free!"" He asked, ""What is!?"" And I replied, ""Hole punching your tongue and putting a ring binder through it.""" +17623,5,"Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today... Me: How is school going so far? Son: Good, I had a test. Me: What was your test on? Son: Paper. " +17624,4,"I asked my girlfriend to 69 She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?” I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?” “Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”" +17625,0,Question: What do you say if you want someone to hold the lift? Ans: Hodor +17626,2,"Leaving work, my coworker said, ""Hasta lasagna!"" I replied, ""Pasta la vista!"" Edit: Was there a Dad Jokes subreddit I should have posted this to?" +17627,4,Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder? Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back. +17628,0,Did you hear about the blonde who had her nose stuck between elevator doors? She got quite a facelift. +17629,0,What would forest gump be called if it was a porn movie? FOREST HUMP +17630,0,What did the skinny dung beetle say to the fat one? “Are you going to eat that all in one shitting?” +17631,1,What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A Labracadabrador +17632,0,What kind of cows eat other cows Americans! +17633,1,What do clothes and religion have in common? Someone invented them and forced them on everyone. +17634,0,"Fact: Glaciers are melting, sea levels are rising, cloud forests are dying, and wildlife is scrambling to keep pace. Meat/dairy industry: Propaganda to kill our livelihood. Oil: That's exactly what we said in the 80s and people agreed. LOL. Humans: Umm bacon tho" +17635,4,What did Hitler say after he put on a blindfold? I can Nazi. +17636,3,Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. +17637,0,What does a woman and a notebook have in common? Most of the time they are both stationary objects. +17638,1,I used to be Indecisive But now I'm not so sure +17639,0,"An Australian travels to Houston for business, and sees who he suspects to be a famous football player. So he decides to ask him.... You Watt, mate?" +17640,4,What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common? They're both full of happy little accidents +17641,0,"What’s usually black, but always in the back of a police car? The Seat!" +17642,3,Sex Is Like Algebra Mr. Johnson keeps on making me do it +17643,0,You should never buy Russian y-fronts... Or Chernobyl fallout. +17644,0,"A crowd is gathered at a rally about LGBT rights and no one has gone on the stage yet. Suddenly, a man who has disheveled hair and looks like he has dressed too hurriedly gets on the podium. He begins, ""It's an outrage that in the United States, a man who has sex with another man must wait one year before donating blood!"" The crowd roars in agreement. He continues, ""that means I have to wait 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 14 seconds before I can donate blood!""" +17645,0,"Who came first: the chicken, or the egg? Neither. The zoophile, on the other hand... " +17646,0,What's white and hangs from the clouds? The coming of the Lord. +17647,4,So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.” And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two +17648,0,The genitalia of Juan Diego Sanches Garcia Hernandez is shorter than his name. +17649,0,What is the KKK's favourite Christmas movie and why? *White Christmas* - because it only has one black person in it. +17650,1,Did you hear about the guy who robbed the guitar shop? He made off with a lot of lute. +17651,1,What do you call a bunch of white dudes sitting on a bench? The NBA +17652,3,"Three explorers Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though). Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines. ""You are all trespassing on our lands,"" said the head cannibal (in amazingly perfect English, by the way). ""We are going to flay you, eat you, and use your skin for a canoe. But you have one opportunity to make your death honorable."" Knowing that he doesn't stand a chance against the entire tribe of cannibals, the Englishman asks for his pistol. ""God save the queen!"" he shouts and shoots himself in the head. It was a very honorable death. The Japanese man is similarly convinced of his impending doom and asks for his sword. ""Banzai!"" he screams and he commits seppuku right there, spilling his entrails all over the ground. An extremely honorable death. The American man asks for his fork. ""A fork?!"" asks the cannibal? ""Yes, a fork"" After the cannibals give him his fork, the American man begins stabbing himself all over his body with the fork. His arms, his legs, his torso. ""Screw your canoe!""" +17653,1,"A clothing store down the street from me has gotten really lazy with their customer service I just saw them put up a sign that says ""Suit yourself!""" +17654,1,I gave up viagra It was hard at first... +17655,0,A blind man walks into a bar and then into a car. and into a wall. +17656,1,What do you call a grasshopper on adderall? A focust +17657,3,"My dad walked in and caught me masturbating and told me that it would make me go blind. I said ""dad,I'm over here""" +17658,0,"How are babies made? When a mummy and daddy love each other very much the get married, and when that marriage is failing they have a baby. That’s where you come in." +17659,2,"They only want to see your underwear One day, little May comes home from school, waving a dollar bill and screaming, ""Mom! Look what I got today!"" Of course, her mom asks, ""Oh? How did you get that?"" ""Well,"" May says, ""these boys from the bigger grade dared me to climb the tree and said they'd give me 75 cents. So I climbed the tree all the way to the top then they paid me a whole dollar!"" Her mom sighs, ""Oh honey, please don't do that! They only wanted to see your underwear!!"" May apologizes to her mom and says she will not climb the tree again. However, the next day, May comes home screaming and waving a clump of money. ""Mommy, Mommy! The boys and their friends took me to a higher tree and I had to prove to them I could climb it to the top. So I did. They stopped making fun of me and gave me a ton of dollars!"" Her mom says, once again, ""Darn it, May. I told you not to do that! They only want to see your underwear. No matter how much money they give you, there is no seeing your underwear."" For a third time, May comes from school with $18. She can't hide it from her mom, she can only brag about so much money for climbing a tree. Her mom cries, ""Really, May? I said-"" ""It's okay, Mommy. I just didn't wear underwear today!""" +17660,5,"A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? ""Because he used to live in a brothel"" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, a new brothel!"" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"" " +17661,1,What’s the best thing about Alzheimer’s Disease? What’s the best thing about Alzheimer’s disease. +17662,2,"A journalist goes to Afghanistan An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, ""Because they are considered of lesser status."" Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, ""What has changed?"" The guide answered, ""Land mines.""" +17663,3,"Your Turn Out of prison. As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, ""Have you just gotten out of prison?"" ""Yeah,"" the guy replied. ""How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"" ""Partly."" She said. ""But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'""" +17664,0,"What do you call... two black guys who are fighting over a watermel.... Goddamit billy go fuck your sister in another room, pa is trying to tell a joke." +17665,2,"After a long engagement, Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony. One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in the world. They pray together that this may happen. 9 months later, Mary was checked into the maternity ward at the hospital. They waited and waited, but no baby ever came. The doctor determined that the baby had unfortunately died before it was born. 60 years later, Mary, for some reason, was still suffering the effects of labour. Peter takes her to the hospital and explains the situation to the same doctor that had helped them decades ago. After intense communications between the doctors and the nurses, the lead doctor decides that they must perform a c-section. When they opened Mary up, they found two tiny bearded men with white hair, bowing to each other and saying to each other politely: ""After you, brother, after you.""" +17666,0,What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe +17667,0,"Need new material for 2020 My fav for 2019 was the classic ""I don't care what Joe says about you Megan you're alright"". I need something to top this for 2020. Help!!!" +17668,3,"A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, ""*Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together*."" ""*Absolutely not,*"" says the rabbi. ""*It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately.*"" ''*So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?*"" ""*No,*"" answered the rabbi. ""*It's forbidden.*"" ""*Well, okay,*"" says the man, ""*what about sex? Can we finally have sex?*"" ""*Of course!*"" replies the rabbi. ""*Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!*"" ""*What about different positions?*"" asks the man. ""*No problem,*"" says the rabbi. ""*It's a mitzvah!*"" ""*Woman on top?*"" the man asks. ""*Sure,*"" says the rabbi. ""*Go for it! It's a mitzvah!*"" ""*Doggy style?*"" ""*Sure! Another mitzvah!*"" ""*On the kitchen table?*"" ""*Yes, yes! A mitzvah!*"" ""*Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?*"" ""*You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!*"" ""*Can we do it standing up?*"" ""*No.*"" says the rabbi. ""*Why not?*"" asks the man. ""*It could lead to dancing!*"" " +17669,2,What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're a teenager. +17670,2,"Girl, are you a windows update? Because I hate you already!" +17671,2,I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker Now there’s bad blood between us +17672,0,Why did Matt get a Ticket? He's a speed Damon. +17673,1,"A young farmer's son is late for school. ""Why're you late?"" asks his teacher. ""I had to help breed a cow,"" responds the boy. ""Couldn't your father have done that?"" retorts the teacher tartly. ""Sure he could"", said the boy, ""But not as well as the bull.""" +17674,0,Why aren't there any Chic-fil-a's in Philly? Because It's Always Sunday in Philadelphia. +17675,5,"Needed a Password eight characters long:: So, I went with 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'." +17676,2,I'm only good at 3 things And that's self depreciation and overestimating the amount of things I'm good at +17677,1,1=0! cos 0 = 1 +17678,5,What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite subreddit ? It's fucking r/aww +17679,1,I spent some time yesterday pondering whether I was actually a small strainer used to filter out ink-based writing objects. You could say I was a little pen-sieve. +17680,6,*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs +17681,0,"Siri: The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. I did have to ask for a joke in English, as the first time Siri said she would, but I wouldn’t understand a joke in her language. " +17682,0,My GF says I drive aggressively. I drive a Prius. +17683,4,"So a guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts. Guy: ""Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."" Doctor: ""Well, sir, I do have some bad news."" Again the guy interrupts. Guy: ""Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"" Doctor: ""As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."" The guy slumps, just crushed. Doctor: ""With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."" The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry. Doctor: ""As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."" By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, ""Hey, look at me."" The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, ""I'm just fucking with you, she's dead.""" +17684,5,My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food Sushi left me. +17685,0,What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. +17686,3,I did a theatrical performance on puns... It was a play on words. I'll let myself out. +17687,0,Columbus thought he landed in the Far East. But he landed in the Far West by occident. +17688,0,"In World War Two, the German government was so overwhelmed by the war... In World War Two, the German government was so swamped with the difficulties of waging a war, that it began to let the more mundane aspects of running the country slip out of its control. In particular was collecting and managing the taxes, which of course, was of vital importance to pay for the war. So, a top secret program was devised, unbeknownst to even the Führer himself, that would hopefully remedy the problem, and allow the government to be more efficient than ever: they would train animals to mange the government's responsibilities for them. Of course, only the brightest species would do. It would take an animal with a great deal of intelligence to understand the byzantine tax code, do the complex math of the accounting involved, and of course, actually collect the taxes. German officials searched far and wide for an animal that could do the job. First, they thought to try dolphins, one of the smartest species on earth. Unfortunately, the dolphins' lack of opposable thumbs made it almost impossible for any of them to hold a pen, and they couldn't write underwater without the paper getting all wet as it was. So the officials moved on. Next, the officials looked at dogs. Dogs were very loyal and very easily trained, and they could be taught to write using their paws. At first, it seemed perfect, but alas, the dogs simply wouldn't focus. Nothing could be done to change their excitably nature. Then, finally, one day, came a breakthrough. A geologist studying caves in the north of the country noticed some strange behavior in the animal species. Before he could publish, his research was confiscated by the government, and given to the secret research unit working on the project. He had found that some of the mammals in the caves appeared to display some kind of super intelligence, noting a particular propensity among those of the family Chiroptera for counting and organizing. ""Perfect!"", thought the German officials. These animals could be trained with ease, and they would do the job magnificently. They could even hold regular pens and pencils with the tiny claws on their wings. Unfortunately, their optimism eventually got the better of them. Seeing how apt the species were for the job, the training was not made nearly rigorous enough, and the animals just couldn't handle the challenges of the job. In the end, the project was an ultimate failure. However, it will always be remembered by the name the scientists gave it after the fact, The Lax Axis Bat Tax Praxis Classes." +17689,2,"What did the drummer call his twin daughters? What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna1, Anna2! " +17690,4,"In a great desert lived a group of nomads Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief. After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice. When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, ""Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."" Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned." +17691,3,"A woman died and got to heaven... She suddenly appears in a big room full where the walls were covered in clocks, each one with a name on it. She sees God and asks him ""What are all of these clocks for?"" He answers ""Each clock represents a member of your family. Every time he/she cheats on their significant other the hand moves once."" She tries to find her husband's clock but can't, so she asks God where is it. ""Oh your husband's clock? I keep that one in my office as a fan.""" +17692,0,His girlfriend is the tallest person in the world. She is vertigal. +17693,2,I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger... and then it hit me. +17694,1,Why are female golfers better than male golfers? Because they swing both ways +17695,1,"What do you call a mexican midget? A para, cuz he's too short for an esse." +17696,1,Why does 3 always win? Because it tries. +17697,1,What do you call a Herb salesman who is doing well for himself? Minted. +17698,0,"I hate March Madness because it's too Canadian. You know, the NC double Eh. " +17699,0,A kid walks into a bar Bartender: Man I've got to fire that lazy bouncer. +17700,0,What do you call a sitcom about a bunch of stoned scientists The Big Bong Theory +17701,1,"How is Santa Clause like Bill Cosby? (NSFW) If you're awake, they aren't coming." +17702,2,"A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation ... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered around the customers. The shop owner likes him. One day on his shift, the student was attending a cashier, when suddenly a black out happened. Without the help of the barcode scanner or the computer, the student utilized his knack on calculations and kept serving the custermer, working out total amount and changes after a brief moment of thinking. The shop owner saw him in action: he takes a quick look on the items, stares at the sky for half a second, then gives the total. The owner produces a calculator from his counter and verified a few times, the student got it right every time. The owner was amazed. Finally, after the last customer has left with satisfaction, the owner approached the student, with uncertainty in his voice he asked: “What you did there, was that cloud computing?” " +17703,2,"A preist, a paedophile, a tax evader and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink. " +17704,4,Why is a math book so sad? Because it's full of problems. +17705,9,I heard there was an homosexual in my football team. I hope it's Josh. He's pretty cute. +17706,4,A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket Damn! Some asshole has my pen! -jimmi carr +17707,1,My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper... ...she said “Do you like dicing with death?” +17708,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? Hey don't call black peoples chicken you jerk. +17709,0,"Walking on the river, Jesus gets exhausted and goes into a bar to quench his thirst... Jim: That doesn't make sense, he can turn water into wine DS: False, wine doesn't quench thirst and he can't turn water into beer." +17710,2,"Q: How did jewish wizards get to Hogwarts? A: I don't know, but they certainly didn't get on that fucking train. " +17711,0,"My Friend Likes Classic Cars The other day he picked me up for a ride in an old Jaguar. ​ The gasoline/petrol gauge had stopped working and we ran out of fuel, so we walked to get a container of fuel from the service station. So as my friend was pouring the fuel into the tank, he spilled some on himself. ​ So anyway, we got the car running and I was driving and my friend lit a cigarette. His whole arm burst into flames. So he was waving his arm out the window trying to put out the flames. After a few seconds he got the fire out. ​ Then the traffic cop pulled us over and he wanted to arrest my friend. So I asked him ""Why, he's not even the one driving?"" ​ The officer says ""For waving a fire arm.""" +17712,2,"A German joke A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. Cop: ""Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?"" The German: ""Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!”" +17713,3,If I had a piece of bread for every gender... I could make exactly one sandwich. +17714,2,How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2? Norse code +17715,2,"Did you hear about the guy who died of a viagra overdose? Terrible news. Really shocking. Apparently, his girlfriend took it very hard." +17716,0,"Evera sincea the newa Star Wars came outs, people are a bitchy abouta me praising the old Star Warses.. ..today some curazy girls she smacked me in da moutha when I said I enjoyeda watching the Attack of the Colones." +17717,2,"A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, go ahead and tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”" +17718,0,and here is the clearest picture of Mars ever taken nope my bad...that's just a photo of Howie Mandel's head +17719,1,How did I know I have OCD? How did I know I have OCD? How did I know I have OCD? +17720,1,What do you call a black person who flies an airplane? A pilot; you f*cking racist. +17721,0,What's green and has layers? Shrek...hehe Btw I'm single. +17722,1,"Yo momma is so fat Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing. " +17723,5,I was molested by a mime. He did unspeakable acts on me. +17724,1,Why are Spanish pants sad? Because they’re pant*alone*s +17725,0,Donald Trump has a particularly funny voice... To cover up his Russian accent. +17726,3,An infallible way of curing a headache... Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear. +17727,2,"There's no ""i"" in denial. " +17728,3,"In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess. Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps. In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany and asks Goering if he could maybe enlighten him. Goering, half drunk, says he would be delighted. “We plan on killing six million Jews and one postman!” The reporter says, “Why one postman?” Goering lets out a laugh, turns toward Hitler and yells, “See Adolph, I told you they don’t give a fuck about the Jews!”" +17729,1,"As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed. Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want." +17730,2,"HR Department ""I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."" ""That is cool! What did she say?"" She said, ""We will get back to you soon."" " +17731,3,What do you call a pencil super-glued to the floor? Stationary stationery +17732,0,Why don't many cats play cards? Too many cheetahs! (A staffmember at Universal Orlando said this to our daughter last week. She was pretty tickled.) +17733,1,Why did the guy who made Dragons Fucking Cars pick cars instead of castles? They're impenetrable +17734,0,"What's common between an alien and an intelligent trump supporter? Everyone's heard of them, but no one has actually seen them." +17735,1,"A scientist went to God and said ""We've worked out how to make a man without you."" God laughed and said, “Ok then, show me. Go ahead…” So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him. “Oh no you don’t. ” said God. “Get your own dirt.” " +17736,0,"When my brain flusterclucked my vocabulary so hard... This is what I wanted to tell my colleague: ""Your piece of code is very Antediluvian that's why it doesn't accept the variables"" This is what I said: ""Your piece of code is very Necrophilic that's why it doesn't accept the variables""!" +17737,0,"I’m not usually one to take side, but gun to my head... ...I’d probably support the 2nd amendment.." +17738,0,What was the name of the vans made up of software engineers? Code - a - line +17739,1,My Dog kept running around backwards yesterday. My God! You should have seen him! +17740,1,What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player changes his pads after three periods +17741,0,"Why do men prefer their women pretty and dumb? Pretty so the men will like them, and dumb so the women will like them back." +17742,2,What do you call the hormone produced by Italian men? pestosterone +17743,9,Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it. +17744,5,"In a recent interview, Melania Trump was asked if she bleaches her asshole Her response: ""No, he gets spray-tanned."" " +17745,2,"Every 60 seconds in Africa... a minute passes, you racist." +17746,0,Have you heard about the string of murders at local campsites? Police are saying the suspect has 'killer intent'. +17747,0,"What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away? Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit." +17748,1,"The greatest merger of all time It was announced today that YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will all be merging. The new name will be YouTwitFace" +17749,1,After Iran and Saudi Arabia cut ties Iranians stopped praying towards Mecca ... all their prayers are going to go to Spam anyway +17750,1,"In 1972, there lived an old lady in Saskatchewan, Canada She lived her whole life in a small house in the countryside only a couple hundred meters from the border of Manitoba. In 1972, the border was soon going to be redrawn very slightly, which would put her just barely in Manitoba. A T.V. channel caught up with her at her little house and asked her what her thoughts were on soon living in Manitoba. She replied: ""But it's so cold there.""" +17751,0,When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. My friend told me this like 9 years ago. +17752,0,What do you call a Transformer that is easily offended? An Emoticon. +17753,2,"What did the person who invented the zero say before telling the world about it? Well, here goes nothing!" +17754,0,My Garden Statue Called In Sick Today He has Gnome-onia. +17755,1,"Why are Biologists so obsessed with their own feet? It's always Mitosis, Mitos-that" +17756,2,"Friend asked me how do I feel about a serious meeting with my manager tomorrow? ""I am excited like a bride before a wedding day"" I replied, ""I am wondering how will I get fucked.""" +17757,1,"Ethan, Do you think i'm a bad mother? -My name is Jake." +17758,2,"America could never switch to the metric system. Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?" +17759,0,I like my coffee like I like my women. Cold. +17760,1,I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59.. Cos I like that One-to-one time +17761,0,"A Hotdog and a Sausage made a bet... about who would win a race between the two. They lined up and READY, SET, GO!!! Off they ran, both of their phallic bodies glistening with sweat as they rushed towards the finish line. After sprinting in what was a fairly contested battle. The hotdog was proclaimed as the champion, to which he proudly proclaimed... I'm a weiner! I'm a weiner!" +17762,0,Only 1 headlight working on your car? Must be a Forrest Whita-car. CreditEdit: Somebody that’s not me. +17763,7,Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he 's married. +17764,0,"Prince Harry just said his new born is ""to die for"" I couldn't help but think. ""Carefull mate that's what your mum said about you""" +17765,1,"Never seen an asshole look back at me. One day a guy went to an asshole-specialist doctor after suffering from diarrhea for an entire week. The doctor examined his asshole and told him to drink soup made of cow head every morning. The guy went back and did so for a week. He came back to see the doctor the next week and said ""Doc, I have been drinking cow head soup everyday, my diarrhea is gone. I haven't been able to poop the entire week though."" The asshole-specialist said ""Let me have a look"" and bent him over. He exclaimed ""Wow, this is strange, I have been looking at assholes my entire life but this the the first time an asshole is looking back at me!"" Turns out the guy had a cow eye stuck there." +17766,2,"Aw man, who's going to agree to play Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies? ""Elijah Would.""" +17767,0,A Very Romantic Valentine's Message I can't c**u**m without **u** +17768,1,"Man farts in bad says ""1-0"" Woman farts in bed and says ""1-all"" ​ Man farts and says ""2-1"" ​ Woman farts and says ""2-all"" ​ Man farts, follows trough and shit the bad ​ Woman says, ""what the fuck was that?"" ​ Man says, ""half time, swap sides""" +17769,0,Why are crabs always tired? Because they sleep in snatches. +17770,10,"There was a woman with 100 children… There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog “this” so that they can say things like “Let’s take this outside” without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident. Only 90’s kids remember this. edit: you know how people on reddit say “wow, this blew up.” well this really *did* blow up, holy moly. this is where I peak in my reddit career lmao. edit 2: short explanation to the people who didn’t get this: only the mother’s (ninety’s) kids will remember “this”, the dog." +17771,1,"Local Boy Stuns Courtroom in Custody Case In Cleveland, Ohio a fifteen-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone." +17772,1,Did you hear about Jason Bourne's australian counterpart Mel Bourne +17773,1,What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians? A drummer. +17774,3,What's the difference between r/jokes and a recycling depot? Occasionally new material passes through the recycling depot. +17775,0,"South Sudan, South Sudan, South Sudan... Sudan next to me." +17776,1,"An elderly couple at the doctor... An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner. After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, ""You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"" ""In fact, I do,"" said the old man. ""After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."" The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: ""Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: ""Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"" ""Oh that crazy old nut"", she replied. ""That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!""" +17777,6,"Bouncer: ""I'm going to have to ask you to leave."" Me: ""Why?"" Bouncer: ""I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.""" +17778,0,"I didn't mean to get involved in auto racing. I just looked up ""rallies near me"" and got some results I didn't expect. I decided driving fast on dirt looked like more fun." +17779,0,What do reporters hate to hear Learn to code +17780,0,Idk if y'all can relate +17781,0,This election. That's it. This election. +17782,2,How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized” +17783,5,Did you hear about the Mime Murders? It was an unspeakable horror +17784,9,Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor. Her name is Cardi O +17785,0,"How do you know when an introvert is interested in you? They are looking at your shoes, rather than their own." +17786,2,"The Promotion (long) “Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last. That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is. But not this year This year, we’re not running a promotion. I really can’t blame them, after what happened last year My stomach still gets queasy, just thinking about it. First off, my name’s Jim, I’m the Meat Manager here at Barnaby’s. I saw it the whole thing. It was two days before Thanksgiving, I was working the morning shift, like I always do It was around 11 o’clock, I’d say. We just received our truck, but unfortunately, the turkeys we ordered, were out of stock from the warehouse. For those of you that don’t know what that means, it means the warehouse didn’t have any to send us. “Shit!!! This isn’t good.”, I said to myself. I want to the case to see how many we had left. All we had was one. One lone turkey. “Fuck!!!” Then it happened. From opposite ends of the aisle came two women. One, an older Asian women and Two, a younger blonde, Barbie wannabe. They both arrived at this case at the same time. I informed them that this was the last turkey we had due to the warehouse issue. Their eyes widened with fear and shock as they both turned to the freezer case door. The Asian women grabbed the door and flung it open, hitting “Barbie” in the face and knocking her back. “Barbie” screamed like some kind of demon, charged and grabbed “Asian” by the hair, spinning her around, and slamming her head first into the adjacent glass freezer case door, Nearly missing a small child that stood with her mother in the aisle. She grabbed her kid and ran. Now, Barnaby’s is a very old store, we still have actual glass freezer doors. Anyway, a few seconds went by and “Asian” crawled out of the case and turned. Pieces of glass were stuck in her face, arms and her neck, she was bleeding like a pig. She pulled the rather large piece of glass from her neck, holding it in her hand, blood dripping. She tried covering the wound with her other hand, but blood was just gushing out from between her fingers. I swear to God, I almost puked all over myself. Anyway, she screamed, and charged “Barbie” as she was lifting the turkey out of the case. She drove that piece of glass directly into “Barbie’s” heart, knocking back against the freezer case door. “Barbie” coughed up blood and spewed it right in “Asian’s” face as she screamed in pain. Then, in slow motion, both fell to the floor. As well as the turkey, which rolled halfway down the aisle. Blood everywhere!! People screaming and running. One guy tried to jump over them but slipped in the blood and face planted right into an abandoned shopping cart I’m sorry, but that shit was funny He was okay though. He got up and staggered away. We are trained NOT to interfere with robbers, shoplifters, and even fights such as this. So I just stood there. I guess one of the customers, who wasn’t videotaping on their phones or a manager or someone called the cops. They showed up and closed the store down. The paramedics showed up, did their thing, as the employees moved any customers up to the front for checkout. As I was walking back through the store to make sure there were no more customers, I saw the paramedics covering the bodies with white sheets. They died, right there, in Aisle 12. I saw the turkey still laying there on the floor, still frozen. I picked it up, as I needed one myself, take it to the front, paid for it, gave the cops my statement, and brought it home to me family My wife cooked it up, and we had a amazing Thanksgiving dinner The best part was the turkey, though. Yeah....that thing was to die for." +17787,1,What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws. Outlaws are wanted... +17788,2,Why didn't the british boy's mother ever dress up for halloween? Because she already was a mummy. +17789,0,"An old farmer was selling his land to a young couple... As the​y were walking the property, he was telling the couple the history of the farm and how he had used the land. Farmer: So over in the field, we used to get bountiful harvests of corn every year. The ground is darn near perfect. Wife: Wow, that's great. We are going to have to try to grow some corn! Farmer: This is where the chicken coop used to be before lightning burned it down. Lost all our chickens that night and just never rebuilt it. Husband: I'm sorry to hear that. Guess that's always a risk. Farmer: Oh and this field over here is my favorite! Wife: Why is that? Farmer: This is where I got my first piece of tail! Golly that was a fun night. Her mom watched and everything! Husband: Uhhhhhh. Well I have to ask, what did her mom say about it? Farmer: BBBaaaaaa!" +17790,3,What do you give a cannibal that is late to dinner? The cold shoulder +17791,0,What do you call a gay foursome? MMMM... +17792,0,"So Obama's leaving, and Trump is going into office I orange really is the new black." +17793,1,The toilet at a police station was stolen! They had nothing to go on.. +17794,1,"What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning? ""Go Ahead Make My Day""" +17795,1,Do you ever cry then masterbate and feel better? Yeah I never feel better either +17796,1,A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday... ...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*. +17797,1,"It is the day that the shirt numbers are assigned at Coxyham High School Football Club. Bob, a brilliant player, goes next to coach Mr. Jordan and asks ""Hey coach, can I get the number 7? That is my favourite number. Plus, it's the number that Cristiano Ronaldo uses and I think it is the perfect shirt number for a left winger like myself. Please!"" ""I'll look into it,"" said Mr. Jordan as he walked into the coaches' room. 47 minutes later, the entire list of the squad was posted by the door with the corresponding number of each player. Bob saw that he got 77 and immediately went next to the coach in frustration. ""Hey, Mr. Jordan! I really thought you were going to give me the 7. Why didn't you do it? I am one of the top players in this team and I think I deserved it!"" Mr. Jordan replied: ""What the hell kid, 77 is even better! Didn't you say your favourite number was 7? 77 has two 7s in it!" +17798,4,How do all racist jokes start? By checking over your shoulder. +17799,3,"A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, ""do you have that book for men with small penises?"" The librarian looks on her computer and says, ""I don't know if it's in yet."" ""Yeah that's the one"" " +17800,0,Where does the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies +17801,0,"Dear Scotland. Can you water the plants and put the bins out please, we've decided to stay another week. Cheers, England, Wales, Northern Ireland, Ireland. x" +17802,3,"I cheated on my girlfriend once. I cheated on my girlfriend once, we were playing monopoly and I took money from the bank when she wasn't looking. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister." +17803,0,I think my iPhone is broken I pushed the home button and I'm still at school. +17804,2,I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got? Pneumonia. +17805,1,I think my local bakers gone mad Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation. +17806,1,I’m not sure why I lost my job as a CIA interrogator. Didn’t think to ask. +17807,0,What do you call a bird with herpes? Chirpees +17808,2,"I went to the doctor... (NSFW) ...and I said ""I had a bit of a fall in my kitchen, and as embarrassing as this is, I've got my cock & balls stuck in a jar of vinegar."" ""Any pain?"" said the doctor. ""A slight pickling sensation...""" +17809,2,"Doctor: What's your sign? Doctor: What's your sign? Patient: Cancer Doctor: Well, what a coincidence..." +17810,1,A geologist discovers a giant rock that's 5280 feet across It was quite the milestone +17811,6,If not using commas was a crime would it result in long sentences? +17812,0,What is the hardest stain to get out of little boys underwear? Michael Jackson's makeup. +17813,3,"A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, ""Give me your money!"" The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, ""You can't do this, I'm a congressman!"" The thief replied, ""In that case, give me MY money!""" +17814,4,What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller. +17815,0,"I'm sorry and ""my bad"" means the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral." +17816,0,"An attorney stands in the entry hall of a building The attorneys pants then fall to his ankles. Without noticing, he begins to walk away. Seeing the man leaving with his trousers on the ground, a groundskeeper who speaks very broken English exclaims, ""Lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer!""" +17817,1,What do you call an animal which has mood swings? A bipolar bear +17818,1,"I was gonna make a joke about castration, But i don't have the balls." +17819,1,I'm so dead inside That people contact me by ouija +17820,2,"My 5-year-old son told me he wanted to go to the moon. I said, ""I want you to go to the moon too!""" +17821,3,Quick question. What's Epistemophobia? +17822,0,"joke about mathematics Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your x. She's never coming back and don't ask us...." +17823,0,"This office has no physical fitness programme, because... everyone here gets enough exercise: 1) Jumping to conclusions. 2) Flying off the handle. 3) Carrying things too far. 4) Dodging responsibilities and 5) Pushing their luck." +17824,3,"An Asian driver is being interrogated after an accident Detective: So, how did you end up killing 49 people? Jackie: I was driving over 90km/h when I saw 2 men crossing the road. And on the other side, there was a wedding taking place. I hit the brakes but they failed, so I had to make a choice: Either I hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party. Detective: Hit the 2 men of course. Chan: Exactly! We think alike. But after hitting one, the other man escaped into the wedding party, so I went after him." +17825,0,What has 2 thumbs and a Peter Pan complex? *points at self* This kid! +17826,5,Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night. +17827,3,Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose? They suspected it of fowl play. +17828,5,"I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo.... ....All she said was, *CLOSE THE FUCKIN DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS.*" +17829,1,Super Bowl LIII One of the LOWEST POINTS of my life. +17830,7,is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . . . . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is? +17831,0,i'd tel a joke about classical music But you would'nt be able to handel it. +17832,3,The only reason why Gordon Ramsay watches Smackdown... Is because it's not Raw. +17833,3,I once ate a clock... ...it was very time consuming. +17834,0,I was charged for dental floss during my most recent visit to the dentist. The dentist said he was changing the office's philos phy +17835,2,how many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Enough to protest until the government does it for them +17836,1,what's Jamaica's favorite dog? a Dobermon +17837,3,"What did the woman say to Kevin Spacey on the beach? Could you please move, you're in my son." +17838,0,My wife: I cant find my Yes CD! Me: No? +17839,0,"A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"" The doctor replied, ""I know you can't I've cut off your arms!""" +17840,2,Why do woman sound like they orgasm when playing tennis? And why does my mother always play tennis in the bathroom? +17841,0,What is it called when someone busts a nut on your toast? Pearl jam +17842,0,I dont like tzatziki in my food Its too Greecy +17843,1,I know who wears the trousers in my relationship. My hand. +17844,4,"If you boil the funny bone, it'll become a laughing stock ..... Now that's what i call humerus" +17845,0,"If I had a dollar for every time Hillary said ""making the economy work for everyone, not just those at the top""... ...the economy would work for me." +17846,0,I was playing Pokemon Go late last night and after a few a hours I finally caught herpes! Don't worry I transferred it +17847,1,"A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom... ..., so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, ""What do you have on your hand?"" The boy said, ""A leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."" He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, ""What do you have in your hand?"" So the little boy said, ""A leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."" Then the principal got mad and yelled, ""Open your hand NOW!"" So he did and the little boy said, ""Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the crap out of him!"" " +17848,2,"Joke in real life DISCLAIMER: THIS JOKE SUCKS BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME EARLIER TODAY I'm currently in hospital being treated for a pulmonary embolism and the doctor ordered a echocardiogram for me. When I was getting my heart looked at, it was the only place I've been in hospital playing music. Really cool early 2000's indie stuff from a play list the fellas who did the scans put together. Then I realised they were the ultrasound guys. " +17849,1,"Grandma started obsessively washing her windows several times each week... ...I asked her what's up with that, I mean - they're sparkling clean already, you don't have to do that. She replied: Someone called me last week and told me that my windows installation had a serious virus infestation. " +17850,2,What did the scientist say when he found 2 Isotopes of Helium? HeHe +17851,8,"I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals IM LIVID" +17852,0,What do you call a child molester in a crosswalk? A pederastrian +17853,0,I was going to make a joke about yeast infections But it was too cheesy +17854,4,"Two deer walk out of a gay bar One says to the other, ""I cat believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!""" +17855,1,Where do bad lights go? A prism +17856,1,Aaron Herndandez came in this world destined to be a tight end... And left in one. +17857,2,Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world. +17858,2,How do you start a Revolution on a budget? Using a Coup-on. +17859,1,I wanted to make a nice sex joke here Butt fuck it. +17860,3,A little boy has diarrhea... Mom: What the hell do you need Viagra for? Boy: Isn't that what you give to Dad when his shit doesn't get hard? +17861,3,The front page should be marked as NSFW With all these senator assholes popping up I might as well be on a porn site +17862,1,"A Venezuelan enters a restaurant... ""Three hotdogs"", he shouts. The waitress complies. There are murmurs all around him. Most people can't believe anyone still has the money to afford that much food. ""One more thing... "" the man continues, ""Also get seventeen forks""." +17863,4,What is a bad speller’s blood type? Typo +17864,7,"How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? ""you mean a choir?"" Fine... How much does it cost to ""acquire"" a large singing group?" +17865,1,What does an Engineer use for contraception? His personality! +17866,0,"A couple got into a terrible fight in the morning... When the man came home from work later that evening, he brought her a big bouquet of roses ""Ha, now you proberbly expect me to spread my legs for you, don't you?"" ""Hmm.. If you don't have a vase thats big enough, then sure""" +17867,1,How do you find and old man in the dark? Just feel around. It's not hard. +17868,1,"After an accident, a man was deathly afraid of elevators He started taking steps to avoid them." +17869,0,Bad at punchline jokes... Yoda is. +17870,4,I've decided to stop posting sexist jokes.... Because women find them too complicated. +17871,6,"Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits. After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions. “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.” “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”" +17872,3,Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today ... Should of put it on aloha temperature. +17873,0,"I once told a masochist that he should treat others like he wants to be treated He then slapped me in my face and shouted ""YOU'RE MY LITTLE BITCH NOW!""" +17874,2,"How to master Australian accent in seconds Say ""Rise Up Lights"" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.* Don't stop there. Say ""Beer Can"" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.* Mastered." +17875,0,What is the term for hostility against Jews? Christianity. Source: r/askreddit +17876,7,"My wife said, ""I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars."" Chuckling, I asked, ""How about the ones like mine?"" She retorted, ""Those, they gave away."" Not to be outdone, I said, ""I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."" She quizzed, ""And how much for the ones like mine?"" To which I replied, ""That's where they held the auction.""" +17877,10,"A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million . The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.  When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ""Ask him where's the money? "" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ""where's the money?"" Guido signs back, ""I don't know what you are talking about."" The lawyer tells the Godfather, ""He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, ""Ask him again!"" The lawyer signs to Guido, ""He'll kill you if you don't tell him."" Guido signs back, ""OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."" The Godfather asks the lawyer, ""What did he say?"" The lawyer replies, "" He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.""" +17878,0,"A Drunken marine rolls out of bed He swipes his hair to the side and sees all of the others lined up with his drill instructor staring with a smerk DI: and just why are you in bed, I thought you were told to get buzzed. Marine: I am (In advance, Sorry for bad setup I have trouble figuring out how best to put these)" +17879,0,Where do auditors go to do their time? The house of corrections. +17880,3,What do you call an Irish millionaire? A ginger bread man. +17881,0,"A man farts in a public shower All the Jews run out saying, ""Oh hell no, we fell for this last time."" " +17882,0,"I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot." +17883,0,A man rushes into hospital He tells the doctor he can't stop laughing. The doctor immediately transfers him to the contagious diseases ward +17884,2,One thing you should always look for in a woman. A pulse. +17885,2,"A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present? " +17886,4,What’s the difference between pink and purple? the grip. +17887,0,There are two types of people in this world. Those who can extrapolate from given data. +17888,0,"A man drinks in a pub... A man drinks in a pub and notices a 50-year old woman. She kept herself in shape and looks pretty good for her age. She makes eye contact and goes to him and starts flirting with him. After half an hour she asks him: ""Have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter before?"" The man shakes his head. The woman giggles and says: ""Well, you are in luck tonight, wanna come over to my house?"" Surprised by the offer, the man immediately agrees and calls a taxi. When they arrive, they are already making out as the woman is pulling her keys. She opens the door and shouts: ""Mom? Are you awake?""" +17889,2,Why does Irish Bean soup only have 239 beans in it? One more and it’d be too farty. +17890,1,Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was coming up to a group of chickens and has crippling social anxiety. +17891,0,A dyslexic gets to heaven. God says woof. +17892,0,Did you hear about the new terrorist group in Italy? They're calling themselves the Italian ISIS. +17893,0,How is a raven like a writing desk? Trump doesn't like either! +17894,2,What do you call the first migrant off of the boat? Amhere. What do you call the second migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell. What do you call the third migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell Azthem.. +17895,0,"Apparently police choppers arent allowed in Rome The residents get angry everytime they hear ""wop wop wop wop wop"" overhead" +17896,1,"Yo girl, are you my email inbox? because there's a lot of stuff you have I'm never going to see" +17897,0,"What does an American High school otaku like about Naruto? ""SHARING-GUN""" +17898,1,Farmers Only is the dating website for farmers. What’s the hook-up site? Timber +17899,0,Did you know Arby's will do nearly anything to avoid being sued? They prefer to settle things through Arbytration. +17900,5,"A no-armed man is looking for a job... ... so he goes to the local church. He tells the priest he will ring the church's bell every hour, on the hour. The priest is dubious, and asks how the man is going to do that with no arms. The man says not to worry, he'll handle that. ""I'll do it for free the first week, so you can see I can handle the job."" At the top of the hour, the man runs up the winding staircase of the bell tower, and, panting, bangs his head against the bell so the whole town can hear it. Pleased, the priest agrees to hire the man. One day, after a local elementary school has toured the church, the man goes running up the staircase, but one of the students had a snack during the tour and left his banana peel at the top of the stairs. The no\\-armed man slips on the peel, tumbles out of the bell tower and crashes down to the street below. A couple walks by and sees the man face down in the street. The woman gasps and rolls him over, ""Oh, my God!"" The man asks, ""Do you know him?"" ""No... but his face rings a bell.""" +17901,3,"Two nuns are driving down a dark road country road.. All of a sudden a vampire jumps out from the trees and lands directly on the hood of the car, baring it's teeth at them. ""Quick! Show him your cross"" exclaims one of the sisters. The other nun leans out the window and screams, ""Get off the fucking car you spooky bitch!"" Edit: you're?" +17902,1,"What is yellow, has 1 Arm and can't swim? An Excavator." +17903,1,What did the redditor say to their partner Be gentle this is my first time +17904,3,I've only been in jail for three minutes and I've already been raped three times. I hate playing Monopoly with my dad. +17905,0,"By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this " +17906,1,I put the Christmas tree in our bed. Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome. +17907,3,What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards? Salamancer. Ha. +17908,1,What's the preferred method of exchanging money in the Vatican? Papal +17909,2,"God was talking to Adam... God says to Adam,""Adam.You have been my son,and I have been your father. I'm going to give you something. She will cook for you,clean for you,raise your children. She shall be your best friend and soulmate. She will cater to your every whim. By her you shall be blessed."" Adam asked God,""How much is all this going to cost?"" God replied,""An arm and a leg."" Adam asks,""what can I get for a rib?""" +17910,2,Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right But two Wrights make an airplane. +17911,2,What is Trump's favorite animated movie? WALL-E +17912,0,What did the fridge do when the electricity went down? It lost its chill. +17913,1,What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies +17914,2,Next time you get mad at lag in a video game just remember... It took Jesus 3 days to respawn. +17915,0,"Our company was understaffed, but the only one qualified for the job was a midget. I guess we are still a little shot handed. " +17916,1,I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times I’m lack toast intolerant +17917,2,"I've been married 20 years. I still keep my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out her picture. And it comforts me knowing if I can put up with this psycho, I can survive anything." +17918,3,"How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, he holds onto the light bulb and the world revolves around him. " +17919,0,"A beautiful black girl approached me in a bar the other night After a few drinks and a bit of a dance, she asked me if I wanted to take her home. ""Fuck off, I'm not driving to Africa at this time of night"" I said." +17920,2,"Astronauts Astronaut 1: Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee. Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream." +17921,1,My chem teacher was talking about salt the other day and I was bored as fuck... I was about to make a Sodium pun but Na +17922,0,What ever happened to the fried shrimp emoji? It was tempurary +17923,3,Which US president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He was in-a-cent. +17924,0,My friend told me to save the date So I asked her in what format? +17925,0,"Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments? Idk, accordion to research I guess." +17926,1,"The people who say that pathologists are “cold and unfeeling,” have it backwards . . . . It’s their patients who are unfeeling and cold." +17927,0,"Really, there is a language more ambiguous than English ... but most people don't get it." +17928,2,What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese +17929,1,"One kid always embarrasses his mum... the young boy was too loud, whenever he wanted to be taken to the toilet he shout out to his mum inappropriately ""Mum I wanna pee"". The mother got embarrassed everytime he said that specially infront of friends or family, so she taught him to use the word ""whisper"" instead of ""pee"". Once in a family meeting... kid shouts: I wanna whisper the grandfather replied: Come whisper in my ears son." +17930,0,"My gave birth yesterday and I farted out of excitement. The doctor looked at me and said, ""Have you ever been present at another childbirth?"" Me: I do have another child, but I couldn't come. Doc: Oh you mean you couldn't make it?! hahahahaha \\*laughs\\* Doc: srsly tho, how did you make it if you couldn't come?! \\*laughs\\* Me: I became but never came. " +17931,4,"Driving down the highway So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. ""Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"" ""It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!""" +17932,2,Care to seduce a large woman? Piece of cake. +17933,3,Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest. The result was a tie. +17934,3,"My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player... And boy, it's Messi." +17935,1,What do you call a statue of Jesus made out of cigarettes? Holy smokes. +17936,1,How long have you worked at your company? Ever since my boss threatened to fire me. +17937,2,My dog used to chase after everyone who went past my yard on a bike It was so bad that I had to take away his bike. +17938,0,"What does Jared from Subway have in common with Subway? 8 year old meat, 40 year old buns" +17939,0,I found out why amphibious cars never caught on. They were always getting toad. +17940,0,How do you stop crime in Germany? Nein One One +17941,1,What did the vet say to the dog he just castrated? No hard feelings. +17942,0,Guess what I'm being for halloween Gay +17943,1,Where did the sick boat go? To the dock. +17944,1,Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble. +17945,6,There are 3 unwritten rules in life.. 1. 2. 3. +17946,1,I went camping and had a lot of sex. It was intents. +17947,2,Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands!   +17948,0,"I suffer from ADOS Attention Deficit... Oooh, Shiny!" +17949,0,When i peed my pants my parents always used to say urine a lot of trouble! +17950,5,"A Young Russian is sent to a Siberian Work Camp A Guard looks at him and asks ""How long is your sentence?"" The young man says, ""Ten years"" The guard whistles and replies, ""What did you do?"" ""Nothing"" says the young man. The guard laughs and says ""That's a lie. For doing nothing you only get 8 years""" +17951,1,"Good morning, Urology Department... Can you hold? " +17952,4,To the software thieves who robbed me last night. Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word. +17953,2,I just got my first grey hair. This is the last time I let grandma cook dinner for me. +17954,8,"On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese." +17955,0,"And why a cat? \\- How do I join your organization? \\- You must kill 6 people and 1 cat! \\- And why a cat? \\- Congratulations, we take you to work" +17956,0,What do you call it when a lizard can't get it up? Ereptile disfunction +17957,1,"There were three men staying at a ski lodge They ran out of rooms so all three had a to share a bed The guy on the right said ""I had a really weird drama that I was getting a hand job"" The guy on the left says ""I had that exact same dream as well"" Then the guy in the middle said ""You perverts, I was dreaming that I was skiing""" +17958,0,What's it called when there is a problem with the wind? An airror. +17959,0,Today is the day I leave my wife. To go Christmas shopping. +17960,3,What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight? Frost bite +17961,9,"When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work." +17962,4,"A rapist, a bigot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar. The bartender says, ""What'll you have, Mr. President?""" +17963,5,"How to get rich A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, ""Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.""" +17964,2,Last night I thought I heard the spring onions singing Bee Gees songs in my fridge. When I opened the door I realised it was just the chives talking. +17965,4,"Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”" +17966,0,What do you call Cardi B with a piece Cardi Gan +17967,1,A lot of gasses are pretty cheap... But helium just keeps going up. +17968,0,I don't like rappers. They're too crinkly +17969,0,What is the diference betwen Hilary and Trump? Make your own response. +17970,0,"Two Stormtroopers are in Mos Eisley when one turns to the other ""Hey, did you hear the rumor?"" he says, noticing the cloaked old man passing by. ""What rumor?"" the other Stormtrooper asks. ""Lord Vader nicknamed the Death Star after Senator Padme."" ""Why'd he do that?"" ""I don't know..."" Later, as the Millennium Falcon is approaching the Death Star, Obi-Wan points to it and says: ""That's no moon. Luke, that's yo momma!""" +17971,0,Why is the australian $1 coin bigger then the $2? I don't know.. It doesn't make cents. +17972,1,My family is like wine... Locked up in a barrel in the cellar +17973,0,Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. +17974,0,How do you become the funniest guy in the room? Harambe. +17975,0,Now I get why people say heaven is in the sky. They all want to follow God's plane. +17976,0,Why did the vegetable thief get a lighter sentence? Because he admitted the crime was *parsley* his fault. +17977,2,"If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work... see me after, and I'll give you a refund." +17978,1,What does Rem and a college student have in common? They both want a Subaru but neither can afford them. +17979,1,A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play? Fortunes. +17980,2,"Brain fade Friend 1: ""I just threw the chocolate that I had planned on eating, in the trash can. Sometimes I think I am retarded"" Friend 2: ""Oh! I do that as well"" Friend 1: ""Put your chocolate in the trash can?"" Friend 2: ""No. Think you are retarded""" +17981,1,What's the difference between Myspace and My space? One Space. +17982,3,I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time. It's fantastic - can't beat it +17983,0,"A poem for all us americans F is for freedom in america U is for U.S.A N is for nobody can stop us from being obnoxious, # HERE ON INDEPENDENCE DAY. ​ ^(this works best on July 4th)" +17984,2,What does Yoda do for fun? Anything that makes the Dagobah. +17985,1,"Mahatma Ghandi... ... walked around barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. That’s right- he was a.super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: fixed some late night typos/errors. Unfortunately, I can’t fix the name Gandhi in the title... 😞" +17986,0,"I was thinking my girlfriend was getting too old so I gave her this anti aging cream The cream stated ""You'll be 10 years younger"", I didn't take it literally so I just gave it to her. She disappeared." +17987,0,What do you call a boy who likes to nut? A nutty boy +17988,2,"Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result... ... so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning." +17989,2,What makes the sun so smart? A million degrees +17990,3,What do you call crocodile HIV? GatorAIDS +17991,0,What did the muslim telemarketer say when he picked up the phone? Halal? +17992,1,What group of terrorists is the coldest of them all? Ice-is +17993,0,"Barbara Walters interviews Indians Barbara Walters is doing a report on an indian reservation. But right when she's about to leave, she notices that the indians have a different amount of feathers on their headbands. So she asks one indian ""why do you have two feathers and that one has three and so on"" and he replies ""proudly me have two squaws me have two feathers"" she doesn't get it so she asks the one with three ""why do you have three feathers and he only has two"" he replies ""me have three squaws me have three feathers"" she still doesn't under stand so she asks the chief. ""why do you have so many feathers and they only have two or three"" he answers ""me chief me fuck em' all big fat tall small me fuck em' all"" she says ""well you don't have to be so hostile"" he answers ""hostile dogstyle horsestyle me fuck em' all"" she screams ""oh dear"" he replies ""no dear, no fuck dear, asshole to high and fuckers run too fast""" +17994,0,"Do you like fish sticks? Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth? (If the person is answering yes to both questions you can say): What are you, a gay fish? Great joke that works great on males. You have to make sure he is not gay because he can then become offended by it. Also, the joke does not work as well on women because putting fish sticks in the mouth is not gay if a woman does it. " +17995,3,How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes?!? +17996,0,Don't ask the Norse professor about his old subject... It's a Thor subject. And he still doesn't want to Friggen talk about it. +17997,3,Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn't fucking cook it. \\-Gordon Ramsay +17998,0,"Blind man got a poppy seeds bun. ""Who wrote this shit?""" +17999,4,Jesus fed a 100 people bread Hitler made 6 million jews toast +18000,1,"When Trump was elected President, Juan was very worried. I guess you could say it was because of hispanic issues." +18001,1,April is autism awareness month Anyone here aware they have autism +18002,0,What did the alphabet man say to the bad parents interrupting the classs This is an A and B conversation so C your way out of it. +18003,4,"Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.. Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, ""Vat sims to be ze problem?"" Harvey says, ""I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock, tick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"" The old man says, ""Mmm-Hm!"" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, ""Ve haf vays of making you tock!"" " +18004,1,How many Jokes subredditors does it take to change a lightbulb? We'll find out in the comments. +18005,1,"A kid asked his mom, Kid: Mom, why do brides wear white dresses on their wedding day? Mom: Because its the happiest day od their life, sweetie. Kid: Oh okay, now i know why the grooms wear black suits." +18006,1,George Foreman's daughter was found dead today Police are grilling suspects +18007,1,(NSFW) GSW blew a 3-1 lead. Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead.... Can't believe La La Land blew a misread +18008,1,My girlfriend is so paranoid. She keeps calling the police and saying I'm some random stalker. +18009,2,Had sex with a Welsh girl last night... Managed to make her cwm +18010,3,"Kids A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ""Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.""" +18011,1,I hooked up a new stereo system in my car. I realized later i put in 2 diffrent speakers! Damn. Wrong sub. +18012,0,"How do robots greet each other? With AI five, of course." +18013,0,I had to get a restraining order from my dad. He wouldn't stop taking my picture Damn pop-arazzi. +18014,0,"Ivermectin makes your blood lethal to mosquitoes Suck it, mosquitoes!" +18015,0,"A salesman demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally, to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said: “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside…”" +18016,0,A guy walks into a bar... Ouch. +18017,0,"Two smoking nuns Two nuns keep meeting behind the monastery to smoke in secret. First nun says how she is worried about the Mother Superior catching them or figuring out what they are up to if they throw the butts on the ground. Other nun says she found a solution for that, this thing called a condom, comes in metal foil package, and has a rubber bag inside, so you can put the cigarette inside the metallic foil , so it wont burn, then wrap it inside the rubber bag and there is no smell, and you can just throw it safely in the rubbish bin. First nun is amazed, as she has never heard about this thing, ""Where can it be bought?"" she asks. ""Any pharmacy will sell it"" says the other nun. Later on the first nun goes into the pharmacy and asks the guy there if they sell any condoms. ""What size do you need?"" ask the guy. ""Oh, I dint realize they had different sizes!"" exclaims the nun, ""What size would fit a Camel?""" +18018,2,I took a fruitcake to germany It was stollen +18019,5,I used to have a student who suffered from suicidal thoughts but now I don't. +18020,3,"My doctor told me to stop masturbating When I asked why, she replied, ""becuase I'm giving you a physical.""" +18021,4,"Men In Heaven When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."" Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, ""You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."" God turned to the one man, ""How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"" The man replied, ""I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."" " +18022,2,What do human reflexes and Nate's dinner have in common? They're both innate. +18023,1,"A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket. So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice..." +18024,0,Did you hear about the optimistic workers down at the Washing Machine factory? They absolutely hated their jobs but no matter what they always put a good spin on it. +18025,4,I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my .. Tenants +18026,0,My father was a terrific athlete Each night he would play with my balls +18027,0,How do you know a neighborhood is too ghetto to film in? If most people leave before shooting starts. +18028,2,"Two European frogs discuss their ancestry ""So, are you a complete french frog?"" ""No. I'm a tad-pole.""" +18029,2,"The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please? Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?" +18030,2,What should you be grateful for when a bird shits on your head? That cows don’t have wings. +18031,2,I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr. Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams +18032,0,"A blind man visits the psychiatrist After the session, the blind man walks out of the hospital extremely happy. The man's family asked the psychiatrist why he was so happy. The doctor replied: 'I told him that he must be seeing things.'" +18033,2,"Abstinence A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, ""There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very intimate with each other, but if you want to attend this church, and for me to perform your ceremony, you must refrain from any sexual contact for the next 3 weeks until your wedding."" The couple agreed, and off they went. Over the next few counseling sessions, the pastor challenged them on their resolve. Each time, they answered in the affirmative: though it was difficult, they were abstaining. The final session took place the day before their wedding. From the moment they entered the room, the pastor could tell something was up. The woman was weeping quietly, and the man had a look of chagrin as he said, ""Pastor, we have a confession to make. As much as we want to attend this church, and as much as we wanted you to perform the ceremony, we couldn't control our passions. My bride-to-be dropped a box of light bulbs last night, and as she bent over to pick them up, I was overcome with desire, and we made passionate love."" Disappointed, the pastor said, ""Well, I must stand by my word. You have broken your vows of chastity, and I cannot perform your ceremony. Furthermore, you are no longer welcome at this church"". ""Yeah, that figures"", said the man. ""We are no longer welcome at Home Depot either"". " +18034,2,What word do people always pronounce incorrectly? Incorrectly +18035,10,Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared. Apparently only DC movies can do that. +18036,2,Why did the Scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. +18037,1,What martial art does a vegan kick boxer specialize in? To-fu +18038,2,What tea is hardest to swallow? REALITY +18039,7,"Diary Entries of a Married Couple Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ""nothing."" I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. Husband's Diary, same day: A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt? " +18040,4,How much food does it take to kill a communist? None. +18041,0,What's a bankers favorite dish for christmas? Speculoos +18042,5,Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons? Cuz they last for three periods. (I am truly sorry) +18043,0,On this new /j thing im really back and forth on it +18044,1,What's the difference between a giant and a stripper? Both grind men's bones to make their bread. +18045,0,"Did you hear about that lesbian activist group supporting Donald Trump? They're called ""Clam Bumpers for the Trumpers""" +18046,2,"A drunk driver gets pulled over A drunk driver gets pulled over by a cop The cop asks him ""how high are you?"" The drunk driver then says ""isn't it supposed to be hi, how are you?""" +18047,0,I just got used to Hope and Change... Now we're going with Grope and Mange?! +18048,0,Why don't hungry Hungarians pray to Buddha? Because they think he is a pest. +18049,3,"A girl with a peg leg goes to her high school dance... And she is slowly walking around, sad that nobody wanted to dance with her. Right before she was about to leave a boy with a wooden eye walks up and asks her to dance. To which she replies ""Would I! Would I!"" The boy is angered anD snaps back at her. ""Peg Leg! Peg Leg!" +18050,1,I’m making a film on waterfowl. It’s a duckumentary! +18051,2,How does a kings son listen to music? Heirpods +18052,0,What do you call a top-ranking Mexican dude that oversees everything? Señor Manager +18053,2,"Preparing for Winter One year, a young Indian boy was given the task of ensuring the entire village had enough wood for winter. This was the first time he had been given such an honor and he wanted to do it right. Before he went to work he decided to call the weatherman to ask what kind of a winter was to be expected. The weather man told him it was going to be a warm and uneventful winter. The boy thought to himself, ‘this is great. I won’t have to work too hard and I’ll be able to look good in front of the whole tribe.’ Just to be safe, he gathered a few of his friends and they went to work for a week. At the end of the week, after chopping and piling the wood, the boy decided to give the weatherman a second call. The weatherman told him it was going to be a very cold winter. Shocked at this sudden change and not wanting to disappoint the elders of his village, he gathered more of his friends and they went to work. For two weeks they cut and piled wood, hoping that it would be enough to last the whole winter. Once again the boy called the weatherman and this time the weatherman told him, “Son, its going to be a very bitter, cold and long winter. Maybe the worst winter on record.” Exasperated, the boy had to ask, “What makes you say that, sir?” The weatherman replies, “The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!”" +18054,6,The Holy Land isn't a fake place Israel +18055,2,What's alike about me and a neutrino? We are both constantly penetrating your mom +18056,3,What happens when The Doctor goes back in time and meets himself? A pair a docs +18057,3,A plateau... is the highest form of flattery. +18058,1,"A lecture on Love A village pastor was a bit down on money, so he decided to give a paid lecture ""On the love of God"". He posted the notice about it, but nobody came, this being a frugal and not too zealous village. The next day, the notice announced a lecture on ""The three kinds of Love"". Now, folks got curious what their pastor has got to say on that theme, so they paid admission and sat in to listen. ""The first kind of love is between a man and a woman, - Pastor began, - This you all know well, and I have nothing to add to your knowledge."" ""The second kind of love is between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. This is a perversion, and I shall not speak of it,"" - he continued. ""The third kind of love is a love of God, and that's what I would like to talk about today...""" +18059,0,"How many math text books does it take to screw in a light bulb? If the number of text books is *x*, find the punchline." +18060,2,"Dirty take on an old classic Patricia the prostitute was feeling down; she had recently been beaten by her pimp and was given a demeaning nickname from her peers because of it. Still, she had to work. Her pimp dropped her off at a client's house for their prearranged meeting. To her surprise, it was a dog that answered the door and asked her to remind him of her fee. ""It's $200 a night,"" she said. ""Well, I don't have that kind of money, but I do have this."" The dog produced a ceramic rabbit from a table in the walkway. ""Hold on a minute,"" Patricia said, baffled. She took the rabbit from the dog and brought it over to her pimp's idling car. ""Do you know what this is about?"" she asked her pimp. He looked at her and said, ""it's a knick knack, Patti Whack, give a dog a bone.""" +18061,0,"Two carpenters are trying to build a house... One of them sits up high in the framework and carefully measures and mark a piece of wood. He sticks his pencil behind his ear and then starts to cut the piece of wood. The other man, who was working on a different part of the house, hears a cry of pain and runs to find out what happened. The first man's face is contorted in pain and his hand is clutching the side of his face, which is covered in blood. The second carpenter calls up, ""What happened? What did you do?"" The first man yells, ""I cut off my ear! Help me find it!"" The second man looks high and low trying to find the ear. Finally, he sees it lying on the ground and picks it up. ""Is this it?"" The second man yells up. The first man looks at the ear the man is holding up and yells down, ""No, mine had a pencil on it.""" +18062,0,What do girls have in common with school desks? They both have gum stuck to the bottom +18063,1,2017 is less divisive It's a prime number +18064,0,The hardest part of eating a vegetable... Is the wheelchair. +18065,0,Did you hear the one about the mentally challenged Bostonian who got tattoos right after removing them? He's re-tatted +18066,2,Why did the chicken go to the zoo? To get to the otter slide. +18067,2,"A robber needs to get past a security camera... He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea. He took off all his clothes and walked by. The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested. When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before passing the camera?” The man said, “ Well after I took off my clothes in front of my girlfriend she said she couldnt see me anymore!”" +18068,4,Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people +18069,0,"Think of a number between 1 and 100 Is it 39? No? Too bad, I had a 1% chance to impress you" +18070,2,"I became a proud dad today. My son is four, but he acted like a whiny bitch for the first three years. " +18071,4,"Good news, insomniacs! Only 1 more sleep 'til Christmas!" +18072,0,What happens when a controlled fire goes out of control? Someone gets fired. +18073,5,"I turned 18 today, so I bought myself a locket and put my picture in it. I guess I really am Independent" +18074,1,Bill Skarsgård stars in... Bill Skarsgård stars in *It 2: That.* +18075,4,Why can't blind people sky dive? Scares the shit out of the dog +18076,0,"An alien wins the Lottery Alien says ""Alien Wife! Alien Wife! I've won the lottery - pack your things!"" Aliens Wife says ""Oh my god! What should I pack? Alien Summer or Alien Winter clothes?"" Alien says ""Don't care - just Alien FUCK OFF!""" +18077,1,What came first? The chicken or the egg? Trick question. The rooster came first! +18078,0,Me breaking up with my girlfriend: Me: Babe I’m done putting my cock in your vagina for a while. Her: well someone’s gotta stuff my shit Me: alright ill fuck you one more time +18079,2,"Campfire stories. An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at a campfire swapping tough guy stories. The army ranger pipes up by bragging, ""One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."" Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. ""We navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of their top secret weapons."" The green beret sat there nodding his head listening while stirring the coals with his dick." +18080,2,"Debra complains to the club manager. Debra complains to the club manager, ''I got stung by a bee on your golf course!'' ""Where?,"" he inquires. ''Between the first and second hole,'' she replies. ''Oh, your stance is too wide.''" +18081,2,"Banned from the Holy City Apparently, it is frowned upon to visit the Wailing Wall dressed as Captain Ahab." +18082,0,We celebrated something amazing yesterday! Your life +18083,0,"Naming Canada When Confederation happened in 1867, Sir John A. Macdonald was wondering how to name this new country. After puzzling over it, he exclaimed, ""Let's get one of our fellow citizens to draw letters out of a hat!"" So he got one of the citizens to pick letters and read them out loud. He said, ""C, eh?"" ""N, eh?"" ""D, eh"" And that's how Canada got its name!" +18084,6,"My girlfriend dumped me on 9/11. That's one way of making sure I'll never forget. ^^^This ^^^isn't ^^^a ^^^joke, ^^^I'm ^^^actually ^^^broken ^^^inside." +18085,5,What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. +18086,2,What do you call a cow with antlers? A Moose. (Credit to my 5 year old son. He makes dad so proud!) +18087,2,"Bum walks into a bar... Trailing right behind him, the tiniest man the bartender's ever seen. The bum says, ""If you buy me a whiskey, my friend will play you a song."" The bartender pours the bum a shot. The little guy runs over to the piano, leaps up onto the stool, and plays a flawless rendition of Chopin's Polonaise. The bartender is floored. ""That's phenomenal!"" he says. The bum motions to his empty glass. ""Another shot, another song."" The bartender obliges, and is treated to Debussy's Clair de Lune. ""Wow! Where'd you find this guy?"" he asks the bum. The bum sighs, ""I stumbled across a magic lamp, and I guess the fucking genie thought I wanted a one-foot pianist."" " +18088,0,"What did the prostitute do all week, while she was working in Chicago? The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind." +18089,7,"Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, ""It's dark in here, isn't it?"" The other replied, ""I don't know, I can't see."" " +18090,2,"A blind man walks into a bar.... then a table, and then a chair." +18091,2,"Statistics are like a bikini What it reveals is suggestive, but what it conceals is essential." +18092,8,"A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner...... ""All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."" The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. ""Really?"" says the man ""How much?"" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, ""Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says ""Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says ""Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"" The centipede says ""I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!""........" +18093,0,What is better than 10 dead babies in a trashcan? 1 dead baby in 10 trashcans. +18094,0,I like my coffee like I like my women... Inanimate +18095,0,"You remember, in 2008 and 2012, when the right rioted, burned police cars, trashed small businesses, and claimed that President Elect Obama was not their president? Huh, yeah me either. " +18096,0,Easiest way to have a threesome. The easiest way to have a threesome is fucking a pregnant dwarf. +18097,2,"Castaway A young man was on a cruise ship to Hawaii. He somehow fell overboard unnoticed, but luckily managed to get himself onto a small uninhabited island. Luckily for him, he was a avid watcher of all those “survival” shows and managed to situate himself comfortably. After scouring the island, he had noticed that also stranded with him was a lonely sheep and a feral dog. A couple months pass and he was already getting tired of the monotony of surviving and the occasional self pleasuring “rituals” before bed. The following morning, he spotted the sheep near his campsite. It may have been from the heat, but he started fantasizing about “getting it on” with the sheep. He thought to himself for a minute and decided to go for it. Already excited with a raging boner he slowly approached the sheep. As he was about to grab the sheep, the dog came charging out of the brush and chased the sheep away. This continued for a week. Whenever he got close to the sheep the dog repeatedly chased the sheep away. One morning, a faint moaning woke him. He jumped up, looked around, and saw a naked, gorgeous woman washed up on the beach. He helped her recover and settle in. Grateful for his help, she told him in a seductive voice, “I’ll do anything for you, I’ll do anything with you, just ask and it will be yours.” The man got a instant boner. He leaned in to her and whispered “go hold that fuckin dog while I go and fuck the sheep!”" +18098,2,"Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, ""Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?"" Joker answers... ""Why sew Sirius?""" +18099,0,"Generational Prostitution There are three generations of hookers having lunch, discussing the compensation they receive for performing oral intercourse. The daughter says that she gets fifty dollars for a single act of fellatio. The mother says, ""That's outrageous! In my day we would only charge five dollars! The grandmother, shocked, says ""You are both awful! In my day we were happy to have a full stomach!""" +18100,3,"Watt is love? Baby, don't hertz me. Don't hertz me. No mho." +18101,3,"A tree with anxiety. A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist. ""I just don't know what to do,"" the tree said. ""Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."" ""Hmm, interesting,"" the psychologist said, ""And how do you feel when spring comes?"" The tree smiles, ""Releaved!""""" +18102,2,What's it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles +18103,0,What did people say when they saw something in the sky before planes and Superman? It's a bird! It's a bird! It's a bird! +18104,0,He fell ill and had to stay home. But his girlfriend was hungry and left him alone all day as she went to eat some Vietnamese food for lunch and then Mexican food for dinner. He never got mad Pho-hijta done the same +18105,0,"Sometime in the nearby future an Olympic swimmer contestant is going to describe his experience swimming in Rio as shitty. And then when their kid is ungrateful they will say ""Do you know the shit I went through for you""?" +18106,2,What do you call a porn site for amputees? PornNub +18107,4,"I dated a cross-eyed girl once, but it didn't end well. Turned out she was seeing other people. " +18108,0,"20/20 asking Bobby Brown about his having sex with a ghost... "" What?! No, I'm sorry - I said it was a goat! """ +18109,2,"My friend told me he suffered from stage fright. I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left. A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children." +18110,3,What's the smartest cookie? Academia nut +18111,0,What's 100 feet long and smells like urine? Line Dance Night at the retirement home. +18112,4,"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot... It got so bad that finally, I had to take his bike away!" +18113,1,"Reality “You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car !!!! " +18114,1,My lesbian friend has... 69 problems but a dick ain't one! +18115,3,"What do you call someone who is wearing airpods? Anything you want, they can't hear you." +18116,0,"3 women were discussing their sons.... Well my son is a top architect, He studied under Frank Lloyd Wright... and he designed the Sears Tower in Chicago!!! And the women were all very impressed... And the next women said my said is a lawyer and he studied under F Lee Bailey and he has handled some of the biggest cases in the country!!! And the the women were very impressed... And then they asked the last women about her son... Well he’s a plumber And he’s up to to neck in filth all day... But when he gets an erection... You stand 22 parakeets on his erect penis standing side by side... And the women were very impressed... After a bit the first women says... my son is not really a top architect, and he’s probably never heard of Frank Lloyd Wright... he’s designing tract homes in the inner city ... And the next women says ... my son is not really a top lawyer and he’s probably never heard of F Lee Bailey ... he’s doing quickie divorces... So what about your son they ask the Third... Well my story’s not gonna change much He still a plumber He’s still up to his neck in filth all day They say what about his erection? She answers... You know the 22 parakeets? The last one has to stand on 1 leg... " +18117,3,I phoned the wife last night and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins! +18118,0,What is the difference between a man and a woman? Wo +18119,0,What does an army of fire ants have in common with a horny dolphin? Both come in waves. +18120,0,R2 D2 is feeling empty inside today. +18121,4,I have decided to write all of my jokes in capitals from now on... This one was written in Tokyo. +18122,0,What do you do when you find peas in church? Thank Pod. +18123,1,What do you call a tenor with erectile problems? Flacido Domingo. +18124,3,You know why I hate black holes? They suck. +18125,2,"Alex Ovechkin invites Sidney Crosby over to watch a movie Crosby sits down in the theater room, and waits for Ovechkin. Ovechkin finally walks in, and is drinking a cup a water. Crosby says ""Hey can i get something to drink?"". Ovechkin responds sorry I only have one cup." +18126,1,"I was banned from the Chex cereal factory for yelling oddly specific, and degrading comments at the cereal machines. I am now on a list that bars me from entering any General Mills facility for the rest of my life. That's right. I'm a registered Chex offender." +18127,0,"My friend's name is Hans, but everyone calls him Dieter He doesn't eat much" +18128,4,If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight There would be mass confusion. +18129,0,Why do Italians only eat Italian bread? It's ciabatta buy than English Bread. +18130,0,I once won a 6 on 1 street fight Those toddlers had it coming! +18131,2,I bought a boomerang on eBay It didn’t work. Then I realised I bought it on no return +18132,0,If I had a dollar for every repost I saw on r/Jokes... I'd have a lot of money +18133,0,"I was talking to my successful disabled friend the other day... “I can’t believe it, you’ve got more hoes than me, more money than me, hell you’ve got more chromosomes than me!”" +18134,4,What's better then someone putting roses on your piano? Someone putting tulips on your organ +18135,5,"A man wanted to break up with his long-term girlfriend Marcus decided to do this when they were going to have a dinner night with both of their parents. When the night came, he cleared his throat before mustering up the courage to say, ""Angela, I believe that we need to break up. I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out between us anymore."" ""How can you say that, Marcus?!"" Angela replied. ""Don't you remember everything that we went through together?!"" Angela then asks her father who's next to her, ""Dad, when Marcus here was getting stressed-out from university, was I there for him?"" ""Yes,"" he replied. ""And mom, when he had a hard time finding a job for the longest time, was I there for him?"" ""Yes honey,"" the mother replied. Angela then turned to Marcus' parents, ""Mrs. Fletcher, when Marcus got evicted from his apartment and had nowhere else to go, was I there for him?"" ""Why yes, Angela. Yes you were."" ""And Mr. Fletcher, when your son got in that accident and had a broken leg for months, was I there for him?"" Mr. Fletcher silently nodded. ""See?"" Angela said to Marcus. Marcus, completely shocked by her reply, turns to his father. ""Dad, what do you think?"" After pondering everything that had been said, the father replied, ""I think this woman is bad luck.""" +18136,6,"Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper.... Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, ""Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in."" ""But we's privates,"" protests Jasper. ""We's sergeants now,"" says Leroy, pulling him inside. ""Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink."" ""But we's privates,"" says Jasper. ""Are you blind, boy?"" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. ""You're cute,"" she says, ""and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."" ""Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, ""Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. ""Jasper,"" he says, ""why did you give me the okay sign?"" ""Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates."" He points to his stripes. ""But we's sergeants now!""" +18137,4,"Boys learning to cuss A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, ""You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."" The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,""When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ""Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ""You can stay there until I let you out!"" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ""And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"" ""I don't know,"" he blubbers, ""but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!""" +18138,0,You know I'm a dude right? Are not the words you want whispered in your ear today! +18139,0,For as long as I remember I've always been giving in to my cheddar cheese addiction. I've always needed to get a bit more mature. +18140,5,"taxi A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ""Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.""" +18141,1,"A guy walks into a bar... He sees a sign that says “Free Drinks: Must Complete Challenge.” So he asks the bartender, “what’s the challenge?” Bartender says “You have two options. You can kiss my sister, or you can get punched in the face by a professional boxer.” The guy looks around and sees a long line wrapping around the room; “looks like everyone picked the same challenge.” Barkeep hangs his head and says “yeah, that’s the punch line.”" +18142,1,What kind of fish farts half a note deeper than any other? The bass. Because it got a b right before the ass +18143,1,A cat walks into a bar Cat: Me Ow +18144,0,Ive been happily married for 10 years.. 10 out of 30 isnt too bad! +18145,0,"Gossip Girl, but in reddit. ""Chuck. Aren't you done trying to destroy my night?"" ""Look, I should have never abandoned you. You know I made the wrong decision as soon as your plane took off. Distracted myself all summer, hoping I wouldn't feel it, but I still do."" ""And?"" ""I was scared. Scared that if we spent the whole summer together, just us, you'd see."" ""See what?"" ""See me. Please don't leave with him."" ""Why? Give me a reason. And 'I'm Chuck Bass doesn't count."" ""'Cause you don't want to."" ""Not good enough."" ""'Cause I don't want you to."" ""That's not enough."" ""What else is there?"" ""The true reason I should stay right where I am, and not get in the car. Three words. Eight letters. Say it, and I'm yours."" ... ""Ur mom gay""" +18146,2,Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot Help me buy her some glasses. +18147,2,"Joke by my 6 year old niece 6: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me:I don't know why? 6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck! Still gets me 13 years later." +18148,0,What do you call a preacher that needs to be rescued? Princess Preach +18149,0,"So, somebody I know (from the North, mind you) comes to see me He says he saw somebody commit sex with their sibling. I asked him, ""How do you know that's it's incest? After all, incest is relative.""" +18150,0,It's finals week and it's okay if you're gonna fail a course or two Because you'll still have a more successful career than Kim Kardashian's marriage +18151,0,"Moses finally comes down from the mountaintop... His people are eagerly waiting for him. Moses says, ""Guys I have some good news and some bad news."" ""Tell us the good news first,"" say the people. ""I managed to negotiate the number of commandments down to 10."" ""That's great! And what's the bad news?"" ""Well... 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' is still in there.""" +18152,2,What does a baby computer call its father? Data +18153,0,"Everybody has thought, ""If I win the lotto, I will get all the money and lay in it and sleep with my winnings!!"" I'm thinking, ""Those winnings have other people's Herpes and Ass Sweat all over them, I'll stick with my Bank card instead""" +18154,3,"A policeman knocks at the door A man opens it, and the policeman tells him with a serious expression:. ""I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife was ran over by a truck."". ""Yes I know, but she has an excellent personality!""" +18155,0,"You know how the British used to exile people to Australia? Seeing how everything there wants to kill you, I'm pretty sure the animal kingdom did the same" +18156,4,"I have 2 interesting facts about me fact 1), my cock is as long as two ikea pencils. fact 2), I'm banned from Ikea." +18157,2,My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess I was beaten by a Czech mate +18158,0,Where are the hipster jokes? It's as if they're not cool anymore. +18159,3,Why did the painting go to jail? Because it was framed! +18160,3,Some people don't like vegetable puns... but I don't carrot all about their opinions. +18161,8,"I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms. There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, ""make that 52"". . . . . . . Now both of them have condom balloons :D Edit: I didn't expect this to be so successful. I thought this joke was lame XD. " +18162,0,"What's the difference between me and Hitler? Hitler knew when to kill himself \\(My friend came up with this, he gave me permission to post it here\\)" +18163,5,"I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted! I didn't really want to work there anyway." +18164,1,Why did the proctologist with dyslexia get fired from his job? Because he did everything ass backwards! +18165,1,Why am I not afraid of suicide bombers? Because they're all first-timers +18166,0,What's a word that means homogeneous? [OC] Generic is kind of similar. +18167,0,"3 bums were outside a bar. 3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in and asked for a fork.The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. ""How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?"" ""Well,"" the bum said, ""the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone.""" +18168,0,"Little Johnny was playing games. When his teacher asks him why he is doing it, he says ""i am raising my self esteem"". the teacher asks ""why, but that is a game "" Johnny says ""i am getting a sense of pride and accomplishment""" +18169,0,"Why is there no Mexican Olympics team? Because everyone who can run, jump, crawl and swim are already in the American team. " +18170,1,What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. +18171,5,"My wife called me on Valentine's Day She said, ""Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."" I said, ""Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."" " +18172,0,Why is Hel great in bed? Because she can *switch stances* ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) +18173,0,How do you get Nick from Nicholas? You shorten it and add a K. But how do you get Dick from Richard? You ask nicely. +18174,1,What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me! +18175,5,"I told my therapist I feel like I'm invisible My therapist replied, ""who said that?""" +18176,0,My dog can lie I asked him: what’s the cat say? And he said: woof! So my dog can lie! +18177,0,"Why does Gollum hate clowns, hippos and big tents? Because he’s Anti-Circus" +18178,0,"A doctor is going into surgery... while scrubbing up he sees that his scrubs are purple with ponies. He exclaims, ""What is this scrubbery?""" +18179,2,"What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50, deer nuts are under a buck." +18180,4,"A Jewish Lady was stranded A JEWISH LADY named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ""Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."" The Jewish lady said, ""But your sign says that you have vacancies."" The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ""You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."" Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, ""I'll have you know I converted to your religion."" The desk clerk said, ""Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ""He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."" ""Very good,"" replied the hotel clerk. ""Tell me more."" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ""He was born in a manger."" ""That's right,"" said the hotel clerk. ""And why was he born in a manger?"" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ""Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night”" +18181,0,Why did the SJW's open a modern Vietnamese restaurant? They were fed up with traditional egg roles. +18182,2,"An Alamaba boy married a Mississippi girl On their wedding night the girl says to her husband ""please be gentle in a virgin."" The man became disgusted and walked out of the house. Later at dinner he tells his family what happened. ""You made the right choice"" said his father ""if she ain't good enough for her brothers she sure as hell ain't good enough for you""" +18183,0,"The bridegroom was most disagreeably surprised when the bride was introduced to him... The bridegroom was most disagreeably surprised when the bride was introduced to him, and drew the broker on one side and whispered his remonstrances: ""Why have you brought me here?"" he asked reproachfully. ""She’s ugly and old, she squints and has bad teeth and bleary eyes . . ."" ""You don't need to lower your voice"", interrupted the broker, ""she’s deaf as well."" Featured in: Freud's 'Jokes and their relation to the subconscious'" +18184,0,I once hooked up with a girl. I go to her place but only when she’s free I don't like to pay for sex +18185,0,Did you hear about the blonde coyote? It got caught in a trap and gnawed off three legs. Was still caught in the trap. +18186,7,"Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week. When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost. The wife begins, ""I lost 10 pounds"". ""That's amazing! Well done, and you?"" He says, pointing at the husband. ""Well, I actually gained 10 pounds"", the husband responds. ""Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?"" asks the mentor. ""I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week""." +18187,2,My blonde wife is staunchly opposed to my kids having a vacation. She’s convinced they cause autism. +18188,3,If you’re cold you should stand in the corner. It’s usually about 90 degrees +18189,3,Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard You just gotta eyeball it +18190,1,"A priest , rabbi, and televangelist were at a bar. Every Monday night a priest , a rabbi, and a televangelist meet at a bar and argue about who's people are the true chosen people. God is there drinking and comes to the three and says ""You guys argue about this every Monday and it's getting old. Here's what we are going to do, you three will go the forest and convert attempt to convert a bear to the faith. Do this and I will reveal who is my chosen people."" Before the three could agree they are all teleported to he forest. All three split up and look for a bear. The first to arrive after a few hours is the priest. His clothes are slightly torn but he has a bear in tow. He tells god that he was able to convert the bear with a dash of Holy Water and the bear became a believer. God was pleased. A few hours later the televangelist returns with his bear. His clothes are torn and he is beaten but he has his bear. He tells God that he slapped the bear and exclaimed ""The power of Christ compels you!"" and the bear became a believer after a decent scuffle. God is pleased. Hours go by and a large bear appears from the woods wearing a yarmulke and dragging a bear dead rabbi. God in a concerning voice inquires to the rabbi what happened. ""YHWH it was all going so well and he was so receptive, but I really think I should have left the circumcision out of this""." +18191,1,"The police are using sperm now as a way of fingerprinting people. I don't know what was wrong with the old ink pad myself. Makes me chuckle every time, name that sitcom." +18192,3,"Man goes to a restaurant Sits down at a table by himself and places a calender in front of him. The waiter ask why the calendar? Man replies ""I didn't want to be alone so I brought some dates""" +18193,0,"Golfing in a Thunderstorm What should you do if it starts to thunder while you are playing golf? Get out your 1 iron and hold it up to the sky, because even god can't hit a 1 iron." +18194,2,"My neighbor accused me of stalking her. If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf." +18195,1,"Odd Christmas Visit From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: ""Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.""" +18196,1,A US mint worker couldn't figure out how to fix the penny-producing machine... ... once he figured it out it made sense. +18197,5,The reason why Santa is so jolly ...is he knows where all the bad girls live. +18198,5,"I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck... I asked him what was happening and he screamed, ""After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"" I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!! Tears welling in his eyes, he jumped. As he was jumping, I said, ""After you jump, everyone will dearly miss you when they recall that you *hanged* yourself!!""" +18199,2,What club do racist scientists join? The Potassium Potassium Potassium. +18200,1,I hold a grudge against three letters of the alphabet. Y R U guys causing so much trouble? +18201,1,What happens when you try to fight a dinosaur? You get Jurassic'ed. +18202,1,I cold brewed my coffee for the first time this morning. It didn't come out so hot... +18203,3,"A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. ""I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?"" He asked. The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. ""If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow,"" they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery. In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever. He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen. ""What was that sound?"" He asked. ""What made it? Is it behind that door?"" The head monk shook his head. ""I'm sorry,"" he said. ""I can't tell you; you're not a monk."" As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. ""You have to tell me what it is,"" he begged. ""I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk,"" said the monk. The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl.""Please tell me what made that sound,"" he said. But the monks wouldn't. ""I'm sorry, you're not a monk"" was all they said. The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. ""I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound."" The head monk just shook his head. ""I can't tell you; you're not a monk,"" he said.""Then tell me how I can become a monk,"" the man said. The head monk said ""It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?""The man said ""I've got to. I have to know what made that sound.""The head monk said, ""To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."" The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded. ""Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world.""The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded. ""Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation."" And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said ""At last, you are a monk. Come with me."" And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise. But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk." +18204,1,Why do blonde girls have such big belly buttons? Because they date blonde guys +18205,0,What do you call advise about foreskin hygiene? A protip protip. +18206,1,"A man goes to a psychiatrist ""Doctor, I don't know what to do. My wife thinks she's a piano."" Doctor says ""Well, bring her in."" ""Are you *nuts*? Do you know what it costs to move a piano?""" +18207,0,What do you call a crab that only thinks about itself? Shellfish. +18208,0,"People keep saying Magic won't be a good General Manager... Have faith, his aids will help. " +18209,1,Have you heard about the butt plug with a USB port? Now you can really back that ass up! +18210,1,What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye dear. +18211,2,"Pandas are dangerous The unusual story of a panda: ​ One day, a panda carrying a violin case enters a restaurant. There, he orders some food, and when he had finished, he opened the violin case, took out a machine gun and killed everybody but the manager (wow that's violent). The manager ran up to him and asked: ""But we were so kind to you, why did you do that?"". The panda simply replied: ""I am a panda. Look it up in the dictionary, it says ""Panda: A bear native to southern China, which eats, shoots and leaves.""" +18212,4,If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced That explains why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self importance +18213,0,"A Catholic priest, Ronald McDonald and Donald Trump are having some drinks at the bar... After a few drinks, Ronald McDonald looks to the priest and says, “I just don’t get it. How do you go through life without having sex with a women?” The priest says, “It’s not easy, but I fuck a lot of kids.” To which Ronald McDonald laughs and says “That’s nothing, I’ve fucked thousands of kids. Men and women too.” Donald Trump, shaking his head, finishes his drink and says “Amateurs. Hell, I’ve fucked just about every man woman and child in America.”" +18214,1,Why are single German women so rude? Cuz they don't have any Männer +18215,1,Normally Jesus loving you is a good thing. Unless you're in prison. +18216,2,There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911 It was an emerging sea. +18217,4,"A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said ""What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"" The old Jewish guy slowly answered ""Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasnt staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."" The woman giggled and responded ""Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"" He paused for a moment, then told her “Vell.... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in Da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?""" +18218,0,Why can't you hear a ninja go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent. +18219,0,"Prank There was once a man who pulled a prank on his friend by making all the keys, when pressed, spells it in caps. Eg: Q=CUE I was the friend, and I took revenge, so I sent the virus to him and made that happen as well. One day, I visited his house and left this note: ESS EEE ENN DEE ENN YEW DEE EEE ESS" +18220,2,"Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing? Because it combines the two things they are best at, sitting down, and going backward...." +18221,5,Will glass coffins be the next years big thing? Remains to be seen. +18222,0,What heart condition did the pirate have? ARRythmia +18223,7,What do you call a hooker's fart? A prostitoot +18224,0,What phrase is used in a famous animated movie and porn? Andy's coming! +18225,1,"A happy meal Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? A: ""Does this taste funny to you?""" +18226,0,"What type of fabric do the Mario Brothers prefer? denim, denim, denim" +18227,0,I would revoke my vegetariansim... ...but life's too short. +18228,0,"Tried to take my Febreeze scented chicken to a football game, but I got kicked out They said it was a fragrant fowl " +18229,0,"Windows: Updating... 0% Me: Windows 10 can go suck my dick! Grandma: My oh my, how far has technology come today." +18230,5,"Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package. A voluptuous blonde answers it: ""Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"" An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks. ""What are the 5 bucks for?"" asks the mailman. ""Oh, that was my husbands idea. I asked him, ""Hey what should we give the mailman?"" and he said, ""Ah, screw him. Give him 5 bucks."" EDIT: This is from a book. I just posted it because I hadn't seen it here before." +18231,1,"Who wants to be Body Boss??? When man was first created, various body parts applied for the job of Boss. The legs were first – “Since we take man wherever he needs to go, we should be boss.” Then the brain chimed in – “Because I do all of man’s thinking and decision making, I should be boss. Next were the eyes – “Well, we see all the beauty on earth for man, therefore, we should be boss.” Then the asshole applied. No sooner than he applied, all of the other parts began to laugh. They all laughed so hard that the asshole closed up. After a few days of this closing, the legs went weak, the brain fogged up and the eyes shut closed. At that point, the case was closed and the asshole won. And this just proves that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole. " +18232,7,"After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective" +18233,7,Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar. Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons. +18234,1,"There are two types of old people, the ones who have Alzheimer There are two types of old people." +18235,4,What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews? Crews Control. +18236,1,My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole. Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches. +18237,0,I’d tell you a joke about dislocating my wrist But it’s getting out of hand +18238,1,"My parents always said “I can’t tell you how much I love you.” I understood why, it would probably be too harsh for me to hear." +18239,1,A man in the south of France today was surprised when he opened a tin of locally sourced duck when it started dancing His canned Cannes canard can can-can! +18240,1,What do you call a kitchen that serves only kosher food? A judiciary. +18241,2,What Do You Call A Bouncer At A Gay Bar ? A Flamer-Thrower ! +18242,0,What did Harry Potter say when he had to travel back in time because by mistake he used Avada Kedavra instead of Expelliarmus on Neville? EDIT: Spell correction +18243,0,"3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer. Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching. ​ The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him. He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple. ""I am Wilhelm Tell!"" He shouts. The applause even gets louder. The second challenger approaches the podium. He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly. The crowd is amazed. ""I am Robin Hood!"" The last challenger enters. He puts a watermelon on his wife's head. Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face. The whole crowd turns silent. ""I am sorry!""" +18244,0,My teacher got an obvious boner in class today. We were were all witness to the polarizing moment. +18245,0,Why was the rock fired? Because he was stoned. +18246,0,Lesbians suffer NSFW From a condition called addadictemy +18247,0,"Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: ""There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.." +18248,1,"You know I may be a white boy, but below the belt I'm black ;) My dick can't read." +18249,0,How do you stop a baby crawling around in circles? Nail it's other hand to the floor as well. +18250,0,Why do humans not eat humans? The same reason Muslims don't eat pigs. +18251,1,"Can you imagine the first guy to get constipated? ""So there I was, sitting in a bush for a straight HOUR and I STILL couldn't take a shit!"" ""Haa this retard doesn't even know how to shit properly!"" ""Man I'm telling you there was some weird shit going on. I think there's a ghost in my anus.""" +18252,3,"What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway." +18253,4,"A sack full of chickens Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, ""I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."" The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. ""Well, I'll tell you,"" replies the first redneck, ""If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you.""" +18254,2,A man started telling people he was a piece of fruit. Everyone was convinced he was bananas +18255,0,"I always wondered if I could be gay. But after being blown by Mathew, I am now sure that I don't enjoy that stuff." +18256,0,"A man and a woman are on an elevator and the man asks the woman if he can smell her feet She replies “absolutely not!” To which the man replies “it must be your pussy, then.”" +18257,0,What is a witch's favorite dessert? An ice cream *crone*! +18258,0,I found my roommate jerking off in my wardrobe... I guess you could say he came out of the closet +18259,1,"Did you hear the one about the homeopathic junkie? Unfortunately, he died of an underdose." +18260,3,All my friends say I'm stubborn but I refuse to believe them. +18261,0,What do you call it when two people have sex on Halloween while in costume? I don't know. I can't decide between a monster mash or a graveyard smash +18262,0,Why shouldn't you make noise in the OR? You might wake the Sleeping Pills +18263,2,"This Christmas, I'm getting my wife a t-shirt and a dildo for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself." +18264,1,"A young Arab boy asks his father What is that strange hat you are wearing? The father said: ""Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” ""And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,” The son then asked: ""But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” ""These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.” ""So tell me then,"" added the boy. ""Yes, my son."" ""Why are we still wearing all this shit, when we live in London!! From Russianbots" +18265,1,The world's longest-running joke. American Politics. +18266,0,"During training exercises, a lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he came across another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. As the lieutenant pulled alongside he asked, ""Is your jeep stuck, sir?"" ' ""No,"" replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, ""Yours is.""" +18267,0,"In my family they didn't say ""dont forget to wash behind your ears!"" They said ""Dont forget to wash inside your flaps"" My apologies to the Jewish men who dont understand." +18268,2,What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie? Get out +18269,1,BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the... ME: no JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no? +18270,2,"If the Red Man lives in the red house, the Blue Man in the blue house, the Yellow Man in the yellow house, where does the Orange Man live? The White House " +18271,0,How did the composer find his buddy on social media? He checked his franz liszt +18272,0,What did the rocket scientist tell his girlfriend? A relationship is built on thrust. +18273,5,"A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”" +18274,0,"Help with making joke Content ""Sarah"" gave ""peter"" a blow job at ""waterfront"" This is for joke night, any help is appreciated!" +18275,2,(NSFW) Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after you get done eating. +18276,0,Good project +18277,2,"Just another round of Union negotiations . . Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!” There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick."" " +18278,4,Is your butt Thor? ....cuz I'll be your Asguardian. +18279,0,What did one blind cop say to the other blind cop? Nothing to see here +18280,1,I just got sacked from my job as a veterinary surgeon I got caught looking at pictures of frogspawn +18281,7,I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working... ... as long as I die on Thursday. +18282,2,What do they call a baby shower in Japan? A Bukkake. +18283,2,"At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants At age 12, success means having friends At age 17, success means having a driver's licence At age 25, success means having sex At age 35, success means having money At age 45, success means having money At age 55, success means having sex At age 65, success means having a driver's licence At age 75, success means having friends At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants." +18284,3,"A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long) After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation. A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he can do about the depression. Dr “I know it’s not much, but when I’m in a funk I get a nice custom new suit, I have an excellent tailor, Giuseppe, why don’t you go to him and I’ll pick up the tab” The patient goes to Giuseppe, when he walks in and asks for a suite, Giuseppe says “ah, let me see you’re a 38 long” Patient “wow that’s amazing, how’d you know without measuring me?” Giuseppe “I’ve been doing this 40 years I know, you’re also a 17.5 neck, 33 /34 shirt, you like the cuffs to show under the jacket and pants you’re a 38 waist 33 length because you like them to break on the shoes just a bit, you wear an 11 shoe, an XL tee shirt and a Large underwear” Patient “wow, that’s amazing you got it all right, with the exception of the underwear, I’m a Medium” Giuseppe “no, you shouldn’t wear a Medium underwear, too small, if you wear that they squeeze your nuts and give you headache!”" +18285,1,"A lawyer and the Pope The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time...) ""Hot Dang"", the Pope says to Him-self, - If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs! They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out - Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: - Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first damned lawyer to make it up here!" +18286,2,"My wife is finding it really difficult to live with my OCD Every time she gets turned on, I have to turn her off again. " +18287,2,The Specialists What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? One specialist looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush. +18288,0,How do you get a condom on an elephant? You take the F out of Fay and the F out of Way. +18289,2,You know what they call a straight pride parade? Traffic +18290,5,"Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? ""Ask your sister"" I don't have a..." +18291,2,How do you know that Noah was white? No black guy could go 40 days on a boat without eating chicken. +18292,4,How do you find a needle in a hay stack? Lock a junkie in the barn +18293,1,"A knight walks into a bar The barman says ""Why the long mace?"" " +18294,2,Choir School Do you know why choir school is hiring? +18295,3,A man bought a Lie detector robot that....... A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: … DAD : Son where were you today during school hours? SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies! DAD : Which one? SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching porno. DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno! (robot slaps dad) MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap) +18296,0,"All the ladies love it when I give 'em ""the D""... ...the debit card." +18297,2,What do you call an unexperienced particle? An amateuron. +18298,9,Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to me. +18299,2,"The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, ""This is a bit awkward."" I grunted, ""Just ignore them.""" +18300,1,Badly built roofs... Are exactly why I have truss issues +18301,0,"It takes a Pyrus to make a pair. Editor's note: I thought of that when I was driving, thinking of my other half. " +18302,2,"A girl is fucking her boyfriend. At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. ""Dad!"" she exclaimed in a panic ""...I'm sorry"" The dad being a dad replies ""hi sorry, I'm Dad!"" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks ""Are you fucking sorry?""" +18303,0,If School Taught Us One Thing It’s That THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL! +18304,3,What can you jump over that’s a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede. +18305,1,"SATAN: I need more ideas on how to torture people **DEMON:** Tell them they're gonna watch *Speed* and put on *Speed 2: cruise control* instead **SATAN:** What the fuck Morris, I love that." +18306,0,"When you're bisexual, you think all booty is sexy... But I'm pretty sure it just means you're bi-assed." +18307,2,People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes The only good thing about them is underground. +18308,3,Never Invest in the Velcro industry. Its a complete ripoff +18309,3,"My wife left me last week She said I never listened to her, or something like that" +18310,3,I hate when people ask me where I see myself next year I don't have 2020 vision +18311,3,What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller +18312,3,"My daughter asked, ""What was your favorite thing to do in your 20's in Oklahoma?"" ""Leave.""" +18313,2,Why did the guitar teacher go to jail? For fingering a minor +18314,2,"Sex burns 3.6 calories a minute. On average, I burn 1.8 calories everytime I have sex" +18315,2,Why do women love Jesus so much? Because he's well hung. +18316,0,Trump says he wants to impose a major tax hike on companies researching the human genome He thinks congress will pass his Yuge Gene Levy +18317,4,"A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says ""You're not from'round here are ya?"" ""No"" replies the, ""I'm from New Hampshire."" The bartender looks at him and says, ""Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"" ""I'm a taxidermist,"" says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, ""I mount dead animals."" The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, ""It's OK, boys! He's one of us!""" +18318,1,What do you call a Frenchman getting fucked by a baguette? A pain in the ass. +18319,2,"The Biker and God So God is watching this this biker as he rides in California, he was a real nasty guy in a biker gang, used to be a real bastard. Eventually he got married, had kids, left his life of crime behind him and became a really good guy. God then starts talking to him: > So, you used to be a real bad guy, now you have a family and do plenty of charity work. I'm really impressed, i'm going to grant you one wish, tell me what you want. The biker is thankful and responds. >Wow God, thanks! I'm not really sure... Actually yeah, I want a bridge to Hawaii to ride my Harley on! God seems a bit surprised and adds: >Are you sure? I was expecting something a bit more spiritual, something related to knowledge. Do you know how much it would take to build such a bridge? It would take a huge amount of labor and an unimaginable amount of resources, not to mention there needs to be pillars that go to the bottom of the ocean. The biker thinks for a second and replies: >Yeah you're right, I'm asking for too much. Now that I think about it, I really want to understand my wife better, most of the I'm just clueless about how she feels or what she means, can you help me with that? Now God pauses a second and answers: >... How many lanes on the bridge? --- Got this joke from my dad " +18320,0,"My asian friend told me a hilarious joke today... Unfortunately, I had reddit be-4chan." +18321,1,How Many Tickles Does it Take to Make a Octopus Laugh? ten-tickles +18322,2,My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm. +18323,3,"Little Johnny is in math class one day. The teacher goes up to him and asks him, ""If there were 4 birds on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?"" Johnny responds, ""Well, probably none. The rest would fly away."" The teacher chuckles and says, ""Well, technically 3, but I like the way you're thinking."" Johnny responds, ""Well I have a question for you. Three women are eating ice cream cones. One is sucking the ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, and one is biting the ice cream. Which one is married?"" The teacher, surprised, responds with, ""Well, probably the one sucking the ice cream."" This time, Johnny chuckles, then says, ""Well, no, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.""" +18324,2,Why don't I like cocaine? I have to draw the line somewhere. +18325,3,"Whenever people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would survive in that situation. Almost died watching Aquaman.." +18326,3,"Son of a Bitch Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done, my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” (after a few minutes) Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father, he had herpes!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”" +18327,5,"My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me." +18328,0,"The rally for people who are self-conscious about peeing will have hidden, private, soundproof toilets. Attendees secretly relieved." +18329,1,I met up with an old Spanish friend of mine who always agreed with me “Long time no sí” +18330,0,"I'm proud ""I'm proud to be Bi!"", said the bi man. ""I'm proud to be gay!"", said the gay man. ""I'm proud to be straight!"", said the homophobe." +18331,2,What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap? Resisting arrest +18332,4,"I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, ""I do."" If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to. " +18333,0,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 6 was black and 7 was a police officer +18334,0,"I can't figured out why I can't get the stupid air into the balloon, thankfully my wife says she has a few educated guesses." +18335,1,"When I said I wanted to be a comedian, everyone laughed at me. Well no ones laughing now" +18336,1,"Old jokes Sounds like this fits to here: A new member joined to a joke club. People were sitting on chairs and one member said ""13"". People laughed a bit at that, while the new member was confused. Then someone else said ""28"". And everyone laughed a bit more. The new member was even more confused. Then someone said ""53"" and people almost choked to their laughing. The new member asked then someone, that what on earth is happening here. He got an answer, that the club began to have the same jokes so often that they decided to just number the jokes. Then the new member said that ""ok, what was this 53 joke then about?"" and someone answered that ""that's a completely new one so that's why it was so funny to everyone!""" +18337,1,Charity Marathons.... ... They sure give you a run for your money... +18338,0,What do you call a knife on your heel? A shankle +18339,0,Some dude coughed me earlier and now I’m stuck in a time loop. I guess that means I have a chronic disease. +18340,3,"Interview Reporter: ""Excuse me, may I interview you?"" Man: ""Yes!"" Reporter: ""Name?"" Man: ""Abdul Al-Rhazim."" Reporter: ""Sex?"" Man: ""Three to five times a week."" Reporter: ""No no! I mean male or female?"" Man: ""Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."" Reporter: ""Holy cow!"" Man: ""Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."" Reporter: ""But isn't that hostile?"" Man: ""Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."" Reporter: ""Oh dear!"" Man: ""No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.""" +18341,1,"Something about college has been bothering me Engineering students are allowed to call themselves engineers, and someone like a computer science student has no trouble using it as a title, but fine art students can't call themselves baristas. " +18342,1,Three guys walk into a bar And boy were their hospital bills expensive +18343,3,"Redneck Letter Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. ​ Love, Mom." +18344,1,"Chelyabinsk to Moscow: Chelyabinsk to Moscow: Send us food. Moscow: No food. Tighten your belts. Chelyabinsk: Ok, send us belts" +18345,6,"A father wants to have ""the"" talk with his 14 year old son 'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!' The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells: 'No! I don't wanna know!' 'But why not?' asks the father, surprised. 'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be *really* pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'" +18346,0,"So a couple decide to go on an extended vacation They decide to get their friendly neighbour to watch over their house and pets, as you do. After a week of their trip they get an abrupt phone call from their house-sitter, who tells them in a quite and calmed voice, ""I'm sorry but your cat has passed away"" Devastated by the news the wife is sobbing over dead Mr. Mittens, ruining the otherwise amazing day they had. Angered by how the enjoyment of the day has vanished grabs the phone, and in another room tells their neighbour, ""Man you've destroyed our day! Possibly our entire vacation too! Do you know how much I spent today on her??? Everything was going so well!"" To which the he replies, ""I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for your loss"" ""Well damn it, uch. At least you could've slowly just told us about the cat's wellbeing instead of just dumping its death on us like that! You should've slowly tell us about the cat, like 'Cat's on roof, won't come down', then again the next day 'Cat's still on roof, won't come down' and then tell us the cats ill or dead."" The neighbour just says he's sorry again and they hang up. Another week passes and the neighbour calls again, the man picks up. The neighbour thinks hard about his words, ""Um... Mother on roof, won't come down""" +18347,3,What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions? An algorithm. +18348,2,I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed. I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes. +18349,0,"Grandma- Is This 911? 911- Yes. Grandma- Thank You, My Phone Is Okay, Now!" +18350,1,"Father: ""Son, you're adopted."" Adopted: ""I know, dad.""" +18351,1,"Two men are new to a philosophical nudist colony . . . In order to break the awkward silence, one man says to the other: ""Have you read Marx?"" The other replies, ""Indeed! I think it's the wicker furniture.""" +18352,0,Ad: $10 to see the worlds fastest deer Pffft someone's just trying to make a quick buck +18353,1,No matter how many times I've been on the internet... I never expect the Spanish Inquisition +18354,4,"I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache, Now she's making a big deal with HR about it." +18355,0,I've never seen a UFO But that's only because i have always been able to properly identify the various alien spacecraft i see in the sky. +18356,0,You're not my real Pa... You're just a faux pas! +18357,0,Went golfing today. Hit a birdie on the 7th hole. Blackbird I think. +18358,1,"This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town... This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a whorehouse. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, ""I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"" ""Operate?"", exclaims the fellow, ""Why, Doc? What's the problem?"" ""Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout.""" +18359,2,"A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, ""This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."" The librarian says to her coworkers, ""So here's the person who took our phone book!""" +18360,2,What do you call a sad strawberry? A blue berry. +18361,4,What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association +18362,0,Why does PETA protest against us eating the unfertilized eggs of chickens? But they don't protest against me when I eat used tampons from the trash? +18363,2,"Why do you say ""break a leg"" to an actor ? Cause without a good cast they are fucked" +18364,1,"1 does not equal zero, 1 = 0!" +18365,0,How hot is it? It so hot I saw a squirrel icing his nuts. +18366,3,"I told my friend to get Lost, and he seemed quite offended. But I thought it was a pretty good series." +18367,4,"My first time I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the shit out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out. " +18368,1,I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today but I couldn't find it. +18369,2,What do you use to meassure the weight of a photo? Instagrams +18370,5,Why do women get yeast infections? So they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt +18371,0,"Hillary Clinton wouldnt have been the first female president She would have deleted the ""e-male"" from ""female""" +18372,0,How do we know that Dumbledore was a horcrux? Because killing him after the second film wasn't good enough. +18373,7,"A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game. ""But why?"" asks his wife. ""Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it"". The wife says, ""Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."" He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: ""Did you see that Pete?” His brother-in-law says, ""Yes, I saw that perfectly.” The golfer says, ""Well, where is it then?"" Pete responds, ""I don't remember.""" +18374,0,I was shell-shocked when my neighbours brought home a test-tube baby... ...I did not know that test-tubes can reproduce. +18375,2,There are 10 types of genders. I just don’t know what to base it on though. +18376,1,Most people get AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton got sex from aides. +18377,0,It was 20 years ago to the day that my father taught me how to use Araldite. It was a bonding experience +18378,0,My buddy just got a life sentence... ...he got his girlfriend pregnant. +18379,4,"The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications... As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, ""s"" will be used instead of the soft ""c."" Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ""c"" will be replased with ""k"". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ""ph"" will be replased by ""f"". This will make words like fotograf"" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ""e""s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ""th"" by ""z"" and ""w"" by "" v"". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ""o"" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ""ou"", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. " +18380,1,The main reason why Harambe the Gorilla was shot It was black +18381,3,What's the difference between .... Oral and Anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak. +18382,2,What’s the difference between 20 dead babies and a Lamborghini? I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage. +18383,0,"what did the cow said to the other cow? cow1: ""i was abour to say that"" cow2: ""say what? moo??""" +18384,3,As i suspected someone has been adding soil to my garden The plot thickens..... +18385,6,"30 years ago A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life. The woman asks: ""What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 30 years ago?"" ""I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"" ""And what do you think of my body now?"" Uttered the woman as she removed her robe. ""I think i did a pretty good job"" Edit spelling*" +18386,0,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because he’s a registered six offender +18387,0,What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke a hole which it has poked before? A key. Fun fact: This joke was invented by the Anglo Saxon s in the 10th century. Oldest British joke ever. +18388,2,"I went to study under a pickup artist. Still no luck with women, but my truck looks great." +18389,0,"I told my 10-year-old son that he is not living with us anymore, So he told me that my stuff is outside waiting for me." +18390,3,"My late dad's fave joke There were 2 fish in a tank ​ One says to the other, ​ ""How do we drive this thing?""" +18391,3,why doe s porn hub even have a share to google + button? I dont want any one to know i have a google +... +18392,4,Why does a French man only have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un Oeuf. +18393,2,Self mutilating cannibals are.... So full of themselves +18394,3,"Coach always used to say ""Aim for the skies, boy"". He doesn't say that anymore after I blinded myself at archery practice." +18395,1,Where do Muslims buy their groceries? Halaldi +18396,4,"Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says: Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day..." +18397,5,Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks +18398,2,How to confuse a Non-Aussie There's nothing like having a golden gay time beside the pool on a hot day +18399,2,"For the last time Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, ""Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"" Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Bob was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, ""Honey Please? Just one more time before I die."" She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep. Bob, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. ""Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said : ""Listen Bob, I have to get up in the morning for your funeral & you don't have to!!!" +18400,1,"A guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the same guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, ""hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"" The first guy responds, ""oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."" ""WOW!"" exclaims the second man, ""I gotta try that!"" So he or ders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, ""Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk.""" +18401,4,How do you make holy water? You boil the hell outta it +18402,1,What hangs around while you’re asleep? Jeffery Epstein +18403,0,"I was listening to Hank Williams earlier and thought about what a sad song ""Tear in my Beer"" was. A grown man doesn't cry very often, especially in his beer. I mean, I did once.. in a Blue Moon." +18404,0,"NSFW What do you call it when a traditional Thanksgiving bird, a waterfowl known for advertising insurance companies, and a flightless bird known for its cowardice manage to have offspring together? A turfucken miracle." +18405,10,"President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. ""What happened to you?"" asked Trump ""Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."" ""My God, what did you tell them?"" asks Trump. The driver replies, ""I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig.""" +18406,1,"An old Jewish man goes to his rabbi. He says ""Rabbi, I need your advice. My wife Sadie and I have been very happily married for 45 years. But as you know, I'm not quite as young as I used to be and lately I just can't get her to orgasm when we make love. I feel I am failing in my duties in marriage as man."" The rabbi thinks for a minute and says ""Herschel, this is my advice. I want you to go to the gym at the Y and get the most fit and muscular young man that you can find. Bring him home with you next time you make love with your wife and have him wave a white towel next to the bed while you are making love. The waving towel will be sure to satisfy your wife."" The old man thanks the rabbi and leaves. He returns a few days later and says ""Rabbi, I followed your advice. I went to the Y. I found a 28 year old professional tennis player with the most muscular body I have ever seen. I took him home with me but not even he could help satisfy my Sadeleh with the waving towel. What am I to do now?"" The rabbi thinks for a minute and says ""Herschel, this is what you do. You go to the gym and take this young man home with you. However this time, he makes love with your wife and you stand next to the bed waving the towel."" The old man is hesitant but he follows the wise rabbi's advice. He takes the young man home, the young man makes love with the old man's wife, while Herschel stands next to the bed waving the white towel. Sadie has a screaming orgasm and is the most satisfied she has ever been. Herschel grins and turns smugly to the young man and says ""Now that's how you wave a towel young man!""" +18407,2,I lost over a hundred pounds last week That's the last time I'll gamble in a British casino. +18408,8,"Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up ""Well, pick one honey, you can't do both""" +18409,5,"For an old man's 98th birthday, his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied ""I was sent here as a gift to you"" The old man asked ""What is it that you do?"" Hooker says ""Im well known for my super blowjobs"" Grampa says ""Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup""" +18410,0,Sometimes I think its Deja Vu... Usually it's just a repost. +18411,2,Why couldn't the dolphin choose a career? She had no sense of porpoise. +18412,0,"A man went to his local library to return his favorite book, Desperate Characters. The librarian said, “Desperate Characters? That’s a good book!” The man asked, “Really? Where are you from?” BOOKlyn said the librarian." +18413,6,"God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"" Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”  God said, “Go down into that valley”  Adam said, “What’s a valley ?”  God explained it to him.  Then God said “Cross the River."" Adam said, “What’s a river ?""  God explained that to him, and then said,  “Go over to the hill …”  Adam said, “What is a hill ?”  So, God explained to Adam what a hill was He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”  Adam said, ‘What’s a cave ?'  After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman”  Adam said, “What’s a woman ?'   So God explained that to him, too Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce"" Adam said, “How do I do that ?”  God first said (under His breath), “Geez …”  And then, just like everything else,  God explained that to Adam as well So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman In about five minutes, he was back God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it  Adam said “What's a Headache ?""" +18414,9,What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai! +18415,1,"A man is driving down the road and his tire pops next to the insane asylum... The man gets out of the car and begins to take off the tire. He noticed the fence separating the inpatients from him gathered a few spectators from the inside when the tire popped. The man takes of the tire only to realize that he's missing two lugnuts. He looks in the grass but he can't find them. In a panic, he begins to think. He hears a voice from behind fence: ""Hey, fella! Just put the two lugnuts on opposite sides of the wheel. That'll keep the wheel on there long enough to make it to an auto dealer. Don't worry it'll hold."" The man thinks about it for a second and then complies, putting the spare tire on with only two lugnuts and it seems sturdy enough. The man looks towards the gate and asks the patient: ""Hey how did you know that would work?"" The patient replied: ""I'm in here 'cause I'm crazy, not 'cause I'm stupid.""" +18416,2,Are you into threesome sex? Then go to your girlfriend's house! You're the only one missing! +18417,3,"This girl always looks at me in class, but when i asked her out she ran away... jokes on her, I'll make her fail my class" +18418,2,"The twenty and the one . . . A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they strike up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. ""I've had a pretty good life,"" the twenty proclaimed. ""Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."" ""Wow!"" said the one-dollar bill. ""You've really had an exciting life!"" ""So, tell me,"" says the twenty, ""where have you been throughout your lifetime?"" The one dollar bill replies, ""Oh, I've been to a Methodist Church, a Baptist Church, a Lutheran Church."" The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, ""What's a church?""" +18419,0,"Did you hear about Rommels wristwatch? It fell off while he was crossing a river, and just floated there, didn't sink, didn't drift downstream, just floated there. They called it die wacht am Rhein." +18420,0,"I dont know why, but vegetables really inspire me. Especially Stephen Hawking." +18421,0,What's worse than being Robert Deniro's Driver? I don't fucking care. Where are you? You aren't where you said you would be! +18422,1,There’s a band called 1023MB... They haven’t had any gigs yet. +18423,0,What do you call Ms. Universe for “bigger” contestants? Ms. Multi-verse +18424,1,What Do Vegan Zombies Eat? GRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNS! +18425,1,What's worse then having uncles in your underwear? Having Ants in your pants +18426,3,"The very first time I went fishing, I was instantly hooked! The second time I went fishing, I was much more careful casting. " +18427,2,Pokemon GO is trying to fix its servers... It's not very effective. +18428,2,A doctor walks into his patient’s room And says I have good news and bad news for you. Patient: Well let’s start with the bad news Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet. Patient: What? How can there be any good news? Doctor: Well the patient next to you wants to buy your slippers. +18429,1,"What are the most useful things your parents taught you? Cooking, cleaning, sewing...that's what i learnt from my dad. My mum taught me how to make jokes based on stereotypical perceptions of gender." +18430,0,"Auto correct is really starting to annoy me. When is the last time I wanted to say ""fuck you, you stupid, lazy, dirty **bigger!**" +18431,0,Never split a crabshell in two. That would be a crabs hell. +18432,2,"It's great having a loose girlfriend! But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!" +18433,2,"Two men were talking at a Bachelor party The first man says to the other ""Did you know that, statistically, one in twenty men are gay? I wonder which one it is?"" The other man said, ""I hope it's Jeff, he's cute""" +18434,0,"What did John Belushi do when someone tried to hand him a bundle of Chiquita bananas? Stuck his arm out and said, ""No thanks. I'm a Dole man.""" +18435,0,What do hippies have in common with women in pakistan? Face-melting experiences with acid. +18436,4,How to spot an introvert in a crowd Please don't +18437,7,"My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is I told him, ""My door is always open""." +18438,2,"Husband And Wife Were Sleeping Then What Happened It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, ""Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?"" and slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, ""Who was that?"" The husband replies, ""I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight.""" +18439,0,"What's the difference between a pigeon and a syrian toddler? That the pigeon flies complete, and the toddler in parts." +18440,1,TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning It's because of the lead singer. +18441,1,What do you call fake pho? A pho'gery. +18442,4,"A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ""So you're priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. The priest replies, ""I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."" The rabbi continues, ""And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."" Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, ""Aren't you having any?"" The rabbi replies, ""No...I think I'll wait for the police. " +18443,5,"Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will." +18444,0,"Hey son, you know why the toilet paper roll down the hill? Me: Idk, why dad? Dad: Cause it wanted to get to the bottom!! Me: Dad, do you know why the toilet paper wanted to commit suicide? Dad: Idk, why? Me: Cause it realised, it had become a dad joke." +18445,0,Why did the White House staff remove all the OJ from the building? They thought Trump was yelling “I hate *juice*!” +18446,1,"Why is this ceiling so high? Oh, probably because it just got roofied" +18447,0,"A man goes to the doctor and says, ""Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."" The doctor asks, ""What do you mean?"" The man says, ""When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."" The doctor says, ""I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"" " +18448,0,Let me tell you something about women. Take my wife... ...please? +18449,1,"AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham? She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand." +18450,0,What type of haircut did the Native American barber give? A -1 +18451,1,"My Jewish grandma told me this one An Orthodox Jew is praying to god: ""God! I need help, my son converted to Christianity!"" God says: ""don't worry, that happens to everyone. Even to me!""" +18452,0,"What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Holocaust Jew? Santa Claus is jolly, fat, and goes DOWN the chimney." +18453,2,My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound He used to be a stand-up guy +18454,5,What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long? A πthon +18455,0,"I'm Rick Harrison and..... this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know WHAT is gonna come through that door." +18456,1,Why do Jews like bagels so much? They finally get to toast something of their own. +18457,1,"My loose coins falls on the floor of my bedroom daily, often without my knowing. It just sits there for weeks sometimes until I pick it up. I guess you could say I have a hard time handling change." +18458,6,"Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, ""Hey! Are you a superhero!?"" He yelled back, ""Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!""" +18459,0,"I took my kids grocery shopping with me. I don’t always buy them something, but if they are well behaved, they are allowed to pick out a toy or treat under $3. On this occasion my daughter found one of those pre-inflated balls with Disney characters printed on them. We make it to the checkout line and the cashier strikes up a conversation. As she reaches down to take the ball from my daughter to ring it up she asks: “Is this your daughter?” To which I reply: “Yes, she’s A Dory Ball.”" +18460,0,Don't let vegetarians into your house They'll eat your christmas tree +18461,2,"My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood my engine was still there. " +18462,0,Abortion jokes They really suck the life out of you +18463,5,my dog is training to be a blacksmith every now and then he'll make a bolt for the door +18464,1,How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? Because there was a pop when I hit the light switch and I don’t know what to do +18465,0,"I found some mice living in my house My wife is terrified of mice and told me to go to the shops to get mice traps. Recently she saw an ad for a new type of ""potable mouse trap"" by a company called Hippo. I went to the store and couldn't find the Hippo mouse trap anywhere so I asked a clerk. Frustrated, I asked him if he could help me find a Hippo-pot-a-mouse. Long story short, I'm not allowed back at that store." +18466,0,What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? One doesn't cry sexism when you fire it. +18467,9,"A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there. If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied. So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?” “Oh, yes” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Only if it’s raining.”" +18468,2,Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. +18469,0,I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt yesterday I though... That shows a lot of balls. +18470,1,Are there any medium rappers? They're always big or lil +18471,6,"Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night: -Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes? -I've had 8 drinks, officer. -That's no excuse to let your wife drive..." +18472,3,What did Delaware? A New Jersey +18473,0,My employer wants me to take a drugs test. I obliged but made it clear I'm not happy about it I feel like they're really taking the piss! +18474,0,"What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters and never has 5 letters. Hint: I didn't ask a question." +18475,0,"A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, ""Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"" The doctor says, ""I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."" ""Nah,"" she says, ""that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."" " +18476,5,If abortion is murder Is jerking off genocide? +18477,0,Why was the deaf man sighing and shaking his head in disgust when he looked over at his next door neighbour? Because she was *airing her dirty laundry*!!! +18478,0,"What's the difference between the Hebrews who escaped Egypt and the food they carried along the way? The Hebrews were leavin', but their bread was unleavened!" +18479,1,"A penis has a sad life. His hair is always messy, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his owner beats him to the point of vomiting, and when ever he feels good his owner hides him." +18480,3,How do mathematicians count x-men? Permutations. +18481,0,"I’ve been vacationing in Miami for a few days and all of my Uber drivers have been immigrants from Spanish countries. As of right now, only Juan has signaled when changing lanes." +18482,3,Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward? He was armed. +18483,1,I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl. 14. +18484,2,*using walkie takies* Girl: this relationship is over! Guy: this relationship is what? Over +18485,1,What do you call a public official with depression? a person in a zolofty position +18486,2,I rode my unicycle to the bank today. They told me I have outstanding balance. I'm not exactly sure how to take it. +18487,0,What did one tower say to the other tower? Look! A plane! +18488,1,What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. +18489,5,Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships apparently “in HD” wasnt the right answer +18490,9,"A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’ ""Because he used to live in a brothel"" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, a new brothel!"" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!""" +18491,0,What happens if Mike Pence develops an anime addiction? He becomes a Christian Evangelion. +18492,0,Surely you can't be serious!? I am serious... And don't call me Shirley! +18493,6,What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause. +18494,0,"What's green and says ""hey, I'm a frog"" ? A talking frog" +18495,0,What spell do you use to make someone move over? Scootyus Bootyus +18496,2,I thought I saw a guy with purple skin yesterday. Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination. +18497,3,"Scientist is giving an interview: ""We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice"". Scientist is giving an interview: ""We found a way to kill 75% of cancer cells in mice"". Newspaper headlines next morning: ""Scientists found a cure for cancer"". Scientist read that and calls the interviewer again next day and is like ""no no, I didn't mean that we can cure cancer now. It just means that our developments can help cure it **in** **the** **future**"". Newspaper headlines next day: ""Scientists discover time travel"" Enraged scientist calls the journalist again and screams: ""FUCK YOU!"" Newspaper headlines: ""Scientist rapes a journalist!"" (Not an original, but the recent frontpage joke here reminded me of it.)" +18498,1,Did you hear about the guy Who traded his wife in for an outhouse? He said the hole was smaller and smelled better. +18499,2,A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events. I guess you could say he lives under Iraq. +18500,2,What’s the difference between a Ritz and a Lesbian? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker. +18501,2,Couple’s initials carved on a tree is cute and all but I think it’s weird how many people bring knives on a date ... in a forest +18502,1,The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd ... ... they've left those kids a loan. +18503,0,"Johnny isn't paying attention in class. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, ""If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"" Johnny says, ""None."" The teacher asks, ""Why?"" Johnny says, ""Because the shot scared them all off."" The teacher says, ""No, two, but I like how you're thinking."" Johnny asks the teacher, ""If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"" The teacher says, ""The one sucking her ice cream."" Johnny says, ""No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!""" +18504,0,What did Cleopatra say when her Tax Collector kept some of the taxes for himself? Egypt me. +18505,0,"Who tweets at 3am, sober? Donald Trump, because it's 10am in Russia. Those are business hours. -quote from Hasan Minhaj's comedy routine at the 2017 White House correspondents dinner " +18506,0,If I catch a gold fish I would wish to have 10 times as much energy But 10*0 = 0 +18507,2,"A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, ""Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, ""I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."" The husband said, ""What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"" ""You never came up in the discussion,"" she replied !!!!!!" +18508,6,"Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: ""Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: ""Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive...""" +18509,3,Where did the milkman go when he died? The creama-torium. +18510,3,What do cats and women have in common? They both fucking hate me +18511,3,My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants Now I just play with my privates. +18512,0,How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Idk I have 13 in my basement and it’s still dark down there +18513,0,"[long] Always lucky When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television. “The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said. “Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face. “13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win. “27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help. “29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?” “30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was. It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”. “32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?” That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22. I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder. “Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin. “Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said. “You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked. “Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered. “Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.” After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced. One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize. “The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!” “The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!” “The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!” “The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!” Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on. “And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!” Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out. I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me. “So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked. “What do you mean?” I asked in return. “I can make you win the next major raffle.” “How?” I quickly asked as I was interested. “Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.” “Okay so how do I win it?” “Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.” “The what?” “Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.” “So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity. “No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.” “But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?” “Well, he is my son.” “How is he your son?” “I gave birth to him.” Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye. “Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.” Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered. “The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.” Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off. After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up. It was time. The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar. “The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!” “The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name. “The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.” “The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba. “And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!” “What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat. Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin. “It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said. I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!” “Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face. I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”" +18514,0,How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker Face +18515,0,"Lady Gaga was scheduled to arrive at the airport at 6pm. At 5.59pm, the door of the arrivals hall opened. All the fans and reporters gasped. . . . . . In walks little Johnny!" +18516,0,"If the oldest brother is 8 and youngest brother is half of his age, how would the youngest brother be when the oldest brother is 50? If the oldest brother is 8 and youngest brother is half of his age, how would the youngest brother be when the oldest brother is 50? He is still 4, already dead from car accident" +18517,3,2 Dyslexics run into a bank and shout: Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up! +18518,1,Which pop singer is a favorite among ISIS fighters? Sharia Carey +18519,5,"Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking *Where the fuck is my roof?*" +18520,1,Why does r/jokes smell like rotten eggs? Because it's full of bad yolks. +18521,3,"My old maths teacher was arrested today. In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and a ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction." +18522,0,ISIS isn't isn't +18523,0,Why did the Venezuelan prostitute forgo accepting payment up front? Because it was worth more by the end of the session. +18524,2,Math are like relationships... You see your x and you think y. +18525,6,"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,""you guys should know your limits.""" +18526,2,Why do dwarfs always laugh? Because the grass tickles their balls. +18527,0,"My girlfriend hand cuffed me to the bed, took her suitcase and my wallet, and locked me inside. This role play stuff is getting too serious, but I must say she makes sex exciting. " +18528,2,"A cripple walks into a bar. Just kidding, no he doesn't. " +18529,1,"In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes. We each got sole custody." +18530,4,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently. I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm still tripping." +18531,3,Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. +18532,2,"My wife cooked ribs last night. I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite. She yelled, ""that's disgusting!"" I replied, ""well, you're the one that cooked it!""" +18533,2,How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A Buccaneer. +18534,6,"This is why you check for kids A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""My dad's outside."" Man: ""OK, how much?"" Boy: ""£250."" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ""Dark in here."" Man: ""Yes, it is."" Boy: ""I have a baseball glove."" Man: ""That's nice."" Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" Man: ""No, thanks."" Boy: ""I'll tell."" Man: ""How much?"" Boy: ""£750."" Man: ""Fine."" A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"" The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them."" The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" The son says, ""£1,000."" The father says, ""That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ""Dark in here."" The priest says, ""Don't start that sh\\*t again.""" +18535,2,"Ladies- if you realize you’re angry because of your period, .... would that be considered an ovary-action?" +18536,1,"(Nsfw) I almost had a threesome last night, I just needed two more people" +18537,4,"For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment. Man, horses must really hate us." +18538,2,When do muslims go trick or treating? Allahween +18539,2,Nobody knows how a Wookiee taste. Rumor has it that at least one is Chewie. +18540,8,"“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...” " +18541,0,Greek Beer You'll love it in the end +18542,0,"What did the comic book fan say to his horny girlfriend? ""Get on your fantastic fours!""" +18543,1,"Fight or flight The one night a car pulled up in front of me forcing me to stop. Four men jump out of the car equiped with bats, golf clubs and brass knuckles. My only option was to get out of the car and chase them off. To my surprise all of them ran away in a cold sweat. Only after a few seconds I realized I never loosend my seatbelt and stood there with the car on my back." +18544,0,What do you call a retired postman pat? Pat. Coz hes fucking retired +18545,2,"I once knew a Colombian conductor. He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive. " +18546,2,Last week I saw two men wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay... They promptley aressted me. +18547,0,"USPS considers Trump stamp. During the summer of 2018, USPS was considering issuing a stamp with Trump’s likeness on. The thinking was that his avid 39% supporters would buy more of the stamps than needed. The idea was scrapped when members of focus groups who did not support Trump were confused about which side they should spit in." +18548,9,"There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him Edit: I am not black, nor am i a racist! My aim was to get to the front page and i BOOYAA Mission accomplished." +18549,0,Why do biology majors make good suicide counselors? They are way more interested in living things than dead ones. +18550,0,It’s Nazi Cannibals’ fault Jews were hunted to near extinction. They were tastelessly instructed to ‘ate what their parents ate; +18551,0,"I got a sexchange I was about to have sex with a hot woman in my area, but after I gave her my credit card info that changed. " +18552,1,"Two skeletons are fighting to the death. One falls down, and the other stands proudly before his fallen foe, with his magestic sword in hand. The fallen skeleton grins and yells: ""You won't finish me. You don't have the guts to do it.""" +18553,1,"Today I admitted to my girlfriend that I’ve been cheating. Apparently, she has been too. She saw my internet history so I knew there was no way out of it. I had to come clean. She used my Safari to search for something when her phone was dead, and caught me. We play Wordscapes and although it isn’t a huge competition between us, I’m much father along in the game than she is (I also started before her). Sometimes when I’m really stuck, I cheat, and Google the answer. Especially when I’m low on coins or power ups. I started doing that at around level 110 and I’ve never admitted it to her, until today. And then she laughed and said she’s also had to Google answers. Because it stresses her out not to know. I’m glad we’re finally on the same page with everything out in the open." +18554,1,What would you write on the grave of a knight in shining armor? RUST IN PEACE +18555,0,I don’t think I got the part as a cocaine dealer in my audition… I totally messed up my lines. +18556,2,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day." +18557,2,A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight Needless to say we didn't work out +18558,2,It's been 4 years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else +18559,0,What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor? +18560,3,My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes. She must have never heard of the holocaust. +18561,1,"What do you call a cow grazing on grass? A: A Lawn Mooer. Yes, it's bad. Context: My wife and I took a summer long road trip across America, spending nights in motels and getting up early and driving far to our next destination for almost two full months so we could see as many of the sights as possible. One morning, bright and early as we were somewhere in the Dakotas... I looked out over the horizon and saw some cows... I yawned loudly and mumbled ""more mooers"". My wife misheard me and asked ""Lawn Mooers??"" I chuckled, liking that more and we worked on the set up so we could tell our friends kids when we got back, since it's a good joke for kids. Thanks." +18562,0,Why did the young Chinese boy get frightened while covering his eyes at a horror movie? He was Peking. +18563,0,You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream +18564,0,"A man in a brothel A man in a brothel opens the menu. He sees a Carol, a Demeanor, and a Laura. He tells the madam: ""I'll have the Miss Demeanor."" The Madam responds: ""No, this is a felony.""" +18565,0,"Many years ago, I got invited round to my girlfriend's bedroom. We were drinking beer and listening to music when she suggested we smoke a few marijuana cigarettes. I got on well with her parents and didn't want to cause any upset, therefore I suggested we inform them of our intentions beforehand... ...so we issued a joint statement." +18566,9,"Masturbating An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, ""What are you doing father?"" ""It's called masturbating,"" the priest replied. ""You'll be doing this soon."" ""Why father?"" he asked. ""Because my wrist is killing me,"" the priest replied." +18567,0,I can’t believe I lost 25% of my gold Oh god +18568,4,Why was the cannibal lion so humble? He swallowed his pride. +18569,0,What's the difference between a boomer and a terrorist ? One's ready to set the world on fire for things he doesn't understand. The other one's a terrorist. +18570,0,"A climber fell off a cliff As he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. ""Help! Is there anybody up there?"" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: ""I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."" ""Yes, yes, I trust you!"" cried the man. ""Let go of the branch,"" boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, ""Is there anybody else up there?""" +18571,2,"My boyfriend wanted us to have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I'm ever going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. " +18572,2,"I'm in a band called ""Transportation"". We're going places. " +18573,6,"We have a strange custom in our office... The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was ""Michael""." +18574,1,"Looking at my face is like reading in the car It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick" +18575,4,How do you circumcise a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the jaw. +18576,3,What game do children play in Africa? Don't Starve. +18577,0,"Last night, a dream came true. {sheepishly} I dreamt I was peeing." +18578,2,If a clown farts.... Does it smell funny... +18579,0,Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock. +18580,0,"A fork tells a joke. Then someone replies with ""Too spoon!""" +18581,3,I convinced my fellow pirate to try heroin. Now he's hooked. +18582,5,"Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand... He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him. He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him. He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him. One guy turned to the other guy and said, ""You know, maybe we should learn a second language."" ""Why would you want to do that?"" replied the other guy. ""It would help out in situations like the one we just had."" ""What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any.""" +18583,0,What's the United States favorite brand of shortening? San Fran Crisco +18584,0,What do you say to a gorilla who just walked into an e-cig shop? Ape nation +18585,4,"I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it. I think it was too mature for him." +18586,6,"I want to live my next life backwards.... You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. " +18587,0,There was a store selling women's lingerie at 50% off... ...you could say it was bragain. +18588,2,"Family Vacation A family on vacation walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The guy at the desk replies. ""It's just regular porn you sick fuck.""" +18589,7,"A black kid pulls the flour over his head. A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, ""Look Mama, I'm a white boy!"" His mother smacks him and says, ""Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!"" The boy finds his father and says, ""Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!"" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, ""Now what do you have to say about yourself?"" The boy replies, ""I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!""" +18590,1,I got the girl‘s number by putting all my cars in a row Guess I had a good pick-up line +18591,2,"Birthday jokes Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, ""Happy birthday, boss!"" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, ""Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"" ""Okay,"" I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, ""SURPRISE!!!"" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked." +18592,0,How do you know if one of your friends is gay? His dick taste like shit. +18593,0,Are you New Delhi? Cuz you take my breath away !!! +18594,0,Why can't orphans play baseball? they don't know where home is! +18595,1,"My parents are mixed race... Dad prefers the 100 meter, but Mom is a real fan of the marathon." +18596,0,What do you call a jew with no arms? Jew-ish +18597,0,NSFW What did the male pornstar do when he got angry on the set? He took his balls and went home. +18598,0,"Son asks dad for money (Jewish joke) Son: ""Dad can I borrow $20?"" Dad: $15?! What on earth do u need $10 for? Oh ok here's 5." +18599,0,What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long? A python. +18600,1,What do you call a fruit that loves someone from afar? A pineapple. +18601,4,"I felt lonely, so I bought stocks. Now I got some Company. " +18602,4,My feelings about my son's school are mixed Their whiteboards are remarkable but their paper is tearable +18603,2,Guys I'm no longer a 19 year old virgin! I'm now a 20 year old virgin +18604,2,What Do You See When Pillsbury Doughboy Bends Over? Donuts +18605,4,What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate... +18606,0,"The doctor Called me today: Doc: ""Sorry, your wife's test results got mixed up with another patient's... ...now we don't know for sure whether she has Alzheimer or HIV."" Me: ""Now what I Do?"" Doc: ""I'll suggest you leave her in the woods... if she manages to come back, Stop fucking her!""" +18607,5,"A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'. 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.' 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's." +18608,5,"I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series. It's called the ""Learning to Count"" trilogy." +18609,0,What has 6 limbs and barely makes use of 3 to walk? Someone who broke a leg +18610,1,Have you ever tried eating a clock. Nobody has time for that. +18611,0,"I went for an Indian last night The waiter came over and said ""Curry OK?""I said ""Go on then, one song then you can fuck off""." +18612,0,"Me: Let's order some pizza for tonight! Bro: No, not tonight. I'm on diet. Me: I don't care, I'm ordering. Bro: No you're not. Me: Yes I am. Bro: NO!! Me: YES!! Mom: *shouts* You both stop making NoYes!!" +18613,0,"Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day. Tell a redditor a joke, and he will repost for a lifetime." +18614,1,My girlfriend: Oh baby I want you to tease me. Me: Plays three seconds of the SpongeBob Sweet Victory clip. My Girlfriend: Oooh you dirty tease! +18615,0,Caitlyn Jenner has an assignment from the Military I guess you could call it a Transmission +18616,3,Talked to an atheist today. Turns out he’s part of a Non-Prophet organization. +18617,0,Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would run away too if your name was MUWWAAAUY +18618,0,Only thing I remember from Duolingo is Ist bin un junge. +18619,3,A friend of mine recently asked me what ballerina's wear... But I just couldn't put tu and tu together. +18620,1,Why did the chewing gum cross the road? 'Cause I stepped on it. +18621,0,Apple is coming out with an electronic home drug test kit. The I-CUP +18622,0,"Chapter 1: The man who can't lose! I am a 29 year-old unemployed man. I live in a tiny apartment in the deserted outskirts of Pink-Polka-Dot City beside Blue-Polka-Dot City. Man! I wish I live there! Blue-Polka-Dot City that's where all the rich cookies live! I'm trying to get a job as an accountant but I haven't had much luck. To be honest with you i feel depressed working as an accountant anyways. What i really want... The dream that I've had ever since i had a pacifier in my mouth was to be Hero! Like Super-Duper Man, or like Lightning Zeus Boy! Now those are the real cash cows! I am not happy in my current life, i want to become someone who the whole world will remember! I want to be a Hero! *** Another job interview. This time I will have to drive 2 and a half hours to get to the place. That's presuming that I will even get the job. That briefcase that carries my credentials as been my best friend as well as my worst nightmare for the past 3 years. Jumping from ob to job I barely have enough money to get by. Canned food and junk food is basically what keeps me alive. Vegetables? HA! I don't have enough money to buy that! Anyways I'm walking down Speed-o-Underwear Avenue with my black briefcase handy. Huh I wonder why there's nobody on the streets. Maybe a holiday? No, then my job interview would've been postponed. Then why? What the-- A giant monster just appeared out of nowhere! It's huge! Massive! It has razor sharp teeth the size of knives, claws that could pierce steel. It bears a rather big belly; like the one an old man watching TV has. Is that thing even human? Oh my god! ""I am part of an extraterrestrial species planning on taking over earth! I have been sen here to see how powerful the human species is!"" It's eyes rotate 360 degrees as it stares at me. ""And for the fate of my species I will measure the strength of the human race by pulverizing you!"" ""Hold on! I'm just a 29 year old unemploye-- The weird monster punches me right in the abdomen. I go flying back into a stone wall. I cough up blood. God this hurts! I can hardly get up. It hurts so much. ""The human race is really weak. Like punching a toothpick. I thought the savage human race would be more powerful."" Th monster grabs me by the neck. ""Truly pitiful."" He slams me into the wall once more. If only Super-Duper Man was here! He could save me! He could save the city! He could SAVE THE WORLD!!! But oh well what can a 29 year old unemployed man do? I think to myself as this monster beats me over and over and over and over and oevr and over and over and over and over.... and over and over and over. ""You're so weak! I will have fun beating your species into a pulp!"" Why? My whole life I've been losing. EVERYTHING! Why do I have to be the one who takes all the pain. I wan to win! I will win!! I will never lose!!! I CAN'T LOSE!!!!!! I jump up into the air and punch this mysterious creature. I punch it right in its grandpa belly. All of its organs go flying out of its back. ""This can't be-- The monster falls o the ground--dead! How did this happen? I didn't lose. No, that;s not it. I couldn't lose! I am....Can't-Lose Man!" +18623,1,I tattooed the Holy Cross on my balls. I planned on being sack-religious. +18624,0,What is the difference between a JCB and a giraffe? One has hydraulics the other has high bolics. +18625,1,So I threw a lamp on my grumpy friend... ... and told him to brighten the f**k up! +18626,1,What’s a band conductor’s favorite cereal? Flute loops. +18627,0,"Papa Rabbit is going to teach Junior Rabbit on how to have sex, since junior never had one before. So papa rabbit lines up 3 girl rabbits and starts: (very fast and quick) - > One two three! Papa Rabbit: Now you try it junior. Junior Rabbit: (very slowly) - > One, two, three. Papa Rabbit: Not like that junior, let me show you again. (very fast and quick) - > One two three! Papa Rabbit: Now you try it again, and try to do it even faster! ​ Junior Rabbit: (lightning speed fast) -> ONETWOTHREEFOUR! SORRY PAPA!" +18628,0,What do you call it when Eva needs to leave really fast? An Evacuation. +18629,0,Two drummers walk into a bar... Ba dum tssh. +18630,0,Posting newborn’s weight and length makes childbirth rather too similar to fishing +18631,4,"Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, ""Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."" God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ""I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen."" God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, ""What do you believe?"" Hillary says, ""I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."" God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, ""And you, Donald, what do you believe?"" Trump replies, ""I believe you're in my seat."" " +18632,0,I like my women the way I like my men. Bisexual. +18633,0,When a chemist says you're gold...... ......it just means you're easily replaceable +18634,1,They had to close the circus There was a freak accident +18635,1,"What did the cat say when he went back in time and saw himself? ""You've got to be kitten me!""" +18636,0,Why cant unicorns become politicians? They get straight to the point and can be shown to be true +18637,0,What is worst than a distracted man giving 50€ to his wife after sex? His wife giving him 20€ change +18638,3,"Donald Trump holds a fund raising campaign rally. During the rally, he steps down from the stage and slaps one of his cheering supporters. Now the shit has really hit the fan." +18639,0,"Breakfast A stingy elderly Jewish couple were always talking about going on vacation at an expensive hotel, but could never pull the plug and do it. After many successful business ventures and good fortune in stock trading, Abraham decided to treat his wife to expensive 5-day trip in Cannes at a 5-star hotel. After an exhaustive first day, that included ravaging love making, his wife woke up next to a lifeless Abraham. She tried to wake him up and after realizing he was not responding, she frantically called the front desk of the hotel. They could barely make sense of her amid screaming and crying, but she was saying ”quick...quick...cancel one person from the breakfast reservation"" ------ This is my first post guys, although I have been lurking in this sub for a very long time. I have never seen it here so I hope it is not a repost. My apologies if it is. Edit. Oops. Got the name wrong. Fixed it" +18640,1,"If you're in a good mood, see how long it takes for a fly to get from one end of a room to the other. Time flies when you're having fun." +18641,2,We may never know if 9/11 was an inside job… … but we definitely know that 7-11 is a part time job. +18642,1,"A Japanese Boy Is Playing His NES With His Family The Grandfather says "" I used to play Nintendo cards in the 1930's"" The Father said "" I used to play with Nintendo toys in the 1960's"" The Uncle said "" I used to have sex in Nintendo love hotels in the 1970's""" +18643,0,I'm attracted to girls who watch a lot of Netflix They really know how to put on a show +18644,0,How come bikes can never stand up by them selves? They are always too tired. +18645,2,How are tennis and life similar? Love means nothing. +18646,8,"A man dies and ends up in Hell. A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors. The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the man moves to the next door. There he finds a similar scene but everyone is on their heads on rough hewn wooden floors. The man moved on as that looked worse. The third door revealed a vast chasm with far fewer people, all of whom are knee deep in shit drinking coffee. The man thinks to himself that he could get used to the smell and hey, free coffee, so he chooses that door. He gets settled in with his cup and his personal plot of shit and starts to relax a bit, when suddenly an inhuman voice booms through the area; ""Alright everyone, breaks over, back on your heads! Edit: Thank you everyone for making this one of my most successful Reddit posts ever! I updoot you all. And as has been pointed out, this joke is amazingly old. I personally haven't heard it in the better part of 25 years. It just randomly popped into my head the other day out of the blue and I had to share it." +18647,2,"I have a few jokes about unemployed people... But it doesn't matter, none of them work. " +18648,3,I recently started a literature group for inmates It's got it's prose and cons. +18649,0,What did the Mexican carpeting salesman yell to promote his business? Underlay! Underlay! +18650,1,Notorious hitman finally captured! Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack +18651,1,"Person 1: Can you do a wheelie, on your bike? Person 2: Not wheelie." +18652,0,What is the hardest thing about playing soccer in the United States? Trying to decide when the right time to tell your parents that you are gay. +18653,1,What do you call a support group for cattle herders? A steakholders meeting +18654,2,What is Batman's least favorite Sex Act? The Pearl Necklace. +18655,3,Don’t worry if you have a stroke because you are going to be all right Or all left +18656,2,I deal with my anxiety disorder the same way I study for tests. I don't +18657,5,Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose +18658,2,Did you hear about the new operating system for people with herpes? It's all open sores. +18659,0,What do you call a golfer with a large butt? TeeRump +18660,1,"Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas." +18661,2,"My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth' I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars?" +18662,1,My ex-wife has award-winning breasts... A sag award. +18663,2,"Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house... I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife. " +18664,6,Told my girlfriend that there was a party in my pants and that she was invited. She asked if it was a search party :( +18665,1,"I got a can of arachnids But the arachnids were dying, so I got a new can of arachnids. It does whatever a spidercan." +18666,0,Why’d I shit myself in Australia? I’m incontinent +18667,1,What are the three kinds of women's cancer? 1. Breast Cancer 2. Ovarian Cancer 3. Feminism +18668,1,Why do some people not understand jokes about penny wise? Because they couldn’t get IT. +18669,0,"A man is at his trial for thievery using several nocturnal birds of prey... The judge gestures to the suspect and says, ""Mr. Jacobson. Is there anything you can tell us that would point you away from the crime?"" The suspect looks at the judge and replies, ""No sir, I have no owl-ibi.""" +18670,0,What happens when an unrelenting force meets an immovable object? You get one punch man +18671,2,People say I'm selfish It's an opinion I don't share. +18672,0,I was in the shower and the soap slipped and almost hit me in the eye. It was a near zest experience. +18673,4,How many obi's does it take to kenobi? Only wan. +18674,0,"A comeback in class. . . I was in class the other day and the teacher was talking about books and movies about books. Someone in the class said, ""Well, I think that movies are better because you get more feelings than reading a book!"" The teacher agreed with her and started to write it on the board. Then I blurted out ""Well, I would beg to differ! I think that books are quite solid enough.""" +18675,2,What's the difference between a Syrian wedding and an ISIS training camp? I don't know I just fly the drone. +18676,1,"A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?” The bartender says, “Y, long face.”" +18677,1,"Tarmac A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says""I'll fight anyone in here! Who wants a fight?""But nobody replies, so the piece of black tarmac sits down at the table.Then, a piece of red tarmac walks into a bar and says""I'll fight anyone, anyone at all! Who wants a beating?""The piece of black tarmac stays absolutely silent, sipping on a martini he just ordered.The piece of red tarmac sits down at a different table.The barman goes up to the piece of black tarmac, and says""Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?The piece of black tarmac replies""I wouldn't mess with him, he's a cyclepath.""" +18678,0,It's brisk mornings like this that prove the age of Shrivalry is not dead. +18679,0,Who will win the Peach Bowl? Mario. Bad-um TSS!!!! +18680,0,What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted +18681,1,If I had a dollar for every gender I'd have $1.77 +18682,1,Scientists found out But then they went back in +18683,0,My first time having sex.. We were pretty inexperienced and she tried shoving my testicles inside of her. I was pretty confused and in pain. We ended up not even doing it and never talking again after that. Turns out she was fucking nuts. +18684,5,Tattoos People are amazed at how good the tattoo artists are in Spain........ They weren't expecting the Spanish ink precision +18685,0,"Girlfriend said this while we ate some takeout. I like my women the way I like my sausages, battered." +18686,0,"Knock knock. ""Who's there?"" Christopher Walken. ""Christopher Walken who?"" Christopher Walken and then walk out after his weird cameo." +18687,0,"A black Anti Vaxxer was talking to a policeman... Shots were both fired, and not fired that day." +18688,2,"A wealthy art collector got a call from his lawyer... Lawyer: I have good news and bad news. Art Collector: I've had a bad day, so lets start with the good news. Lawyer: Well, your wife has invested a couple hundred dollars in a a few pictures that she expects to get a couple million for. Art Collector: That's great! What's the bad news? Lawyer: Well, the pictures are of you and your secretary." +18689,0,This coal thing everyone is talking about I dont think it will come back. Its black after all. +18690,1,"Why did the chicken cross the road We dont question these things, its just how mafia works" +18691,9,Do you know how Chris Brown’s girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her? She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist. +18692,0,"What did Trump say to Sean Spicer before he made the press release about the inauguration? >Hey Sean, *Spice* the number up a bit." +18693,2,Antivax jokes just don't die out Unlike those they're based on +18694,5,"I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. ""Really"" she said, ""Go on then...try."" After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, ""Come on, what day was I born?"" I said, ""Yesterday.""" +18695,0,How do you print something sustainably? On the Glutenberg printing press +18696,3,"God went to the Garden of Eden to visit Adam and Eve... ... and found Adam sitting under a tree, relaxing. ""How's everything?"" asked God. ""Good, thank you! This place is great!"" said Adam. ""Where's Eve?"" asked God, looking around. ""Well, we just had sex, and it was great,"" said Adam, ""and so she went down to the river, to take a bath."" ""Oh no, not the river!"" said God. ""Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!""" +18697,4,I hate being bi-polar... It's awesome! +18698,0,Man steals 300 pounds of wheat. Grinds up thousands in Ill-gotten grains. +18699,3,A tribute to my late wife She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her. +18700,4,"A man always works 3rd shift in construction A man always works 3rd shift in construction. He comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then his right to get the mud and dust off. Then he carefully removes the boots, changes and falls asleep tired. Unfortunately the neighbors all hear the boot noise, and one of them asked the man to no longer do it. The next day he comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then remembered about the noise and carefully removes the right one. He then changes and falls asleep tired. In the afternoon he meets the neighbor again, and noticed he has puffy eyes. The neighbor, very frustrated said: ""we were all waiting for you to slam the other boot so we can go back to sleep!""" +18701,7,"Someone donates one kidney and is hailed as a hero. I donate five, and get arrested?" +18702,1,"Poor Dr. Epstein Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again. Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, ""Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy? Dr. Epstein replied, ""Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."" ""Why haven't you visited?"" asked the desk clerk."" ""I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."" The clerk consoled him. ""Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."" Dr. Epstein replied, ""Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."" ""Was it a long time ago?"" ""Yes, many years."" The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?""" +18703,1,"Mon, Tues, Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun. That might sound weird, but it's just a bit of everyday speech." +18704,4,There are three kinds of people... ...Those who can count and those who can't. +18705,2,"It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.” That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards. " +18706,0,What bees so you get milk from? Boo-bees +18707,2,The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster 1. Don't follow this guide. +18708,0,I've never had sex with my cousin consensually. +18709,3,The mom from ToyStory has her own set of Toys. Their names are also Woody and Buzz. +18710,0,"Vaccine for Dementia Eat lots of unhealthy food, do lots of drugs, drink and drive" +18711,3,"I went to a bookstore and asked the woman at the desk if they had any books on turtles ""Hardback?"" She asked. ""Yes"" I said... ""And the little head and feet""" +18712,1,"A hurricane named Florence and no ""Aunt Flo"" jokes? Hope there's no red tide." +18713,2,I want my boyfriend to treat me like a textbook spend a lot of money on me and then never touch me after +18714,4,"[NSFW] A man and a woman meet in an elevator. ""Where are you heading today?"" the man asks. ""I'm going down to give blood."" ""How much do you get paid for giving blood?"" ""About $20."" ""Wow,"" says the man, ""I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."" The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. ""Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"" ""Sperm bank,"" she says with her mouth full. " +18715,1,"One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round... “Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?” “Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said. “And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked. “Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perched on your shoulder,” he said. “And why did you name me Rose?” the next one asked. “Because when you were a baby a rose pedal drifted down and landed on your head,” he said. “Fjendoofntnnss.” “Shut up, Brick.”" +18716,0,Deathblade the Biker Gang leader ran over a land mine. He died like he rode: all over the place. +18717,3,"Failed my biology test today: They asked, ""What is commonly found in cells?"" Apparently ""black people"" wasn't the correct answer." +18718,5,What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1 +18719,6,I went online and rated our Solar System Gave it one star. +18720,1,What's the difference between me and an egg? An egg gets laid. +18721,3,This new colander I bought is really heavy! I'd better put it down before I strain something. +18722,1,Why didn’t the Jedi return his weight scale? He wanted to keep the balance. +18723,1,They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership. The prices are pre-fabulous +18724,7,Why is 1 = 0? cos 0 = 1 +18725,0,Why did the civil inspector start hunting ghosts when he became too polite? Because of courtesy. He was now an ivil inspector. courtesy = cut-c +18726,1,"A guy was bragging to a girl... ""They should put a Choking Hazard sign on my penis!"" The girl answered: ""Don't they put that on small things""" +18727,1,Chuck Norris once skipped a pebble from Texas to Florida. Once it landed that pebble became The Rock. +18728,1,What’s the difference between a washing machine and a baby? One doesn’t cry after dropping a load in it +18729,0,How do Germans with Celiac Disease salute each other? Gluten Tag! +18730,3,If you are scared of pedophiles Grow up. +18731,0,"My friend keeps stealing from me, I'm getting him back tonight. I'm gonna take a stand." +18732,0,In Soviet Russia... toilet flush YOU! +18733,1,Why don't upper class men wash their own clothes? Because the washing powder is a deter-gent. +18734,1,"Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it. I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly." +18735,2,How does a pirate protect his booty? By arrming his alarrrm system! +18736,0,Thanks college loans for getting me through. I'm forever in your dept. +18737,2,"The Memory Man... A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. ""Who's he?"" asked the Liverpudlian. ""That's the Memory Man."" said the bartender. ""He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."" So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks ""Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"". ""Liverpool"" replies the Memory Man. ""Who did they beat?"" ""Leeds"" was the instant reply. ""And the score?"" ""2-1."" ""Who scored the winning goal?"" ""Ian St. John"" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation. The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled. The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting ""How"". The Memory man looked up and said, ""Diving header in the six yard box"". " +18738,1,What does a steady job and a blowjob have in common? I recieved both of them from my manager +18739,3,I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing. Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm +18740,2,"My wife screamed when she saw a spider in the house and wanted me to kill him for her. Instead of killing him I took him out... We went to my favorite bar, had a few drinks. I got to know him pretty well. He was a really awesome guy. I also learned he is a web designer." +18741,2,Gays should be stoned I hear it makes the sex so much better +18742,1,Scientists have uncovered the fact that there is a chemical compound that cures all diseases with a single dose. It's called Cyanide. +18743,5,"If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?" +18744,0,What do you call it when you look at your ex girlfriends nudes? A trip down mammary lane. +18745,0,What do you call a Georgia O'Keefe painting that's housed in a smelly museum? An O'Queef. +18746,3,"What has four wheels, and flies? A Garbage Truck." +18747,2,KFC joke. Why don’t they have toilet paper at KFC? Because it’s finger liking good! +18748,1,"The Karate Kid was about masturbation.... Wax on, Wacks off." +18749,0,"In retrospect, I'm embarrassed that I had a prosthetic leg made for my three-legged dog. Faux paw. " +18750,1,I retired from my job as a miner the other day. I'm not a hole man any more. +18751,0,Why they don't race tugboatgs? Pit stops would be a nightmare. +18752,2,I told my friend I was really nervous about going into space But my friend said I would rock it +18753,2,What's the difference between a jacket and a sweater? A jacket is something to wear when you're cold. A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold. +18754,2,How to fall down the stairs Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24 +18755,0,"2 old nearly deaf guys sitting on a park bench say to one another Boy, sure is windy out. No its not. It's thursday. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer. " +18756,8,"Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver." +18757,1,"I think I have something seriously wrong with my spine said Quasimodo ""What makes you think that?"" asked Esmeralda. ""Just a hunch"" " +18758,2,Did you hear about the golfer who passed away? He had two strokes over 80. +18759,2,"Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, ""Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."" The young guy says, ""That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."" The old guy says, ""Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"" ""Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"" The old guy replies, ""It doesn't matter, let's look for yours.""" +18760,2,What do you call a psychic midget that just robbed a bank? A small medium at large +18761,0,Merry Christmas adam . . . . . . . Coz adam was before eve and tomorrow is Christmas Eve +18762,3,All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand. Wow! I wasn't expecting that! +18763,2,"“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?” “Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”" +18764,3,"Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider. The cited reason for the arrest was: "" He was carrying weapons of math instruction""." +18765,1,How do you fight a radioactive honey badger? I think I’ve made a great mistake. +18766,0,What newspaper is the polar opposite to Tumblr? White Cis Mail +18767,0,"Why aren’t pirates generally good drivers? Well between the eye patch, hook hand, and peg leg, it’s a miracle they can even get behind the wheel!" +18768,2,How does Aquaman get his news? He streams it on SeaNN. +18769,3,"Putin & Medvedev go to a restaurant for dinner Waiter comes over & asks them what they'd like to have. ""I'll have the steak."" ""Excellent choice Sir. What about the vegetable?"" ""He too will have a steak.""" +18770,0,What does a pig say on a hot day in the sun? I'm bakin. +18771,10,"I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, ""Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character"" I exclaimed, ""Fuck off"" She shouted ""I haven't got dressed yet""" +18772,1,I have a couple jokes about unsuccessful comedians. Too bad none of them are funny. +18773,1,What’s the difference between a women getting out of church and a women getting out of the tub? The one getting out of church has hope in her sole +18774,0,What do you call someone with a bad sunburn? Appealing. +18775,3,"What do you call... What do you call it when a man who Hates games, cant stop playing side scrolling shooters? A contr-addiction" +18776,1,What do you called a dismembered nose? Nobody knows. +18777,5,"My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I said, ""Honey, it's not what it looks like!""" +18778,0,Do you know why people die when they are shot in the head? The answer will blow your mind. +18779,0,"Last night, my wife said ""Oh God, I need an O!"" So I rolled over in bed and found she was playing online Scrabble. " +18780,1,What are the two sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken brown cow. +18781,3,Any joke can be funny with the right delivery... Except abortion jokes... Because there is no delivery +18782,0,Why shouldn't you take your clothes off while riding the elevator? It could get you an in descent exposure charge. +18783,2,It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8” I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey. +18784,3,49 states don't know about computers. The last state is Dell-aware. +18785,3,"Come over Girl: Come over. Guy: I'm coming over. Girl: We should really stop using walkie talkies in bed, over." +18786,7,"Astronaut 1: ""I can't find any milk for my coffee."" Astronaut:""In space no one can. Here, use cream.""" +18787,1,Have you guys tried out the new Mexican white wine yet? It’s a Pinot Gringo +18788,2,"What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction... An acracknid Edit: a drug problem, I have been informed that crack and cocaine are not the same by someone who probably is more fun at parties than me based on their superior knowledge of drugs." +18789,5,"I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me. Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control." +18790,2,What's a Mexican's favorite sport Cross-country +18791,1,What's the difference between the Titanic and Christine? The Titanic only went down on 1500 people. +18792,2,"A teacher is interviewing her class on their daily habits - Teacher: What do you do all day, James? - James: Well I wake up, have breakfast and then go to school. After school finishes I head back home, have dinner and hit the sack. Glad that James has a normal, healthy day, the teacher encourages him to keep it up and moves on to the next student - Teacher: What do you do all day, Sarah? - Sarah: Well, after I wake up I have breakfast and then my mother drops me and my little sister at school. After school we have dance class, and then we head back home together. I help my little sister with her homework, we have dinner and then we both hit the sack. The teacher is very impressed with how much work Sarah does in a day, and praises her for helping her little sister with their homework. She then moves on to the next student. - Teacher: So what do you do all day, Timmy? - Timmy: I wake up, brush my teeth, have breakfast, go to school, walk back home, have dinner and do my homework. - Teacher: Is that all? Don't you hit the sack like the others once you are done for the day? - Timmy: I can't. I am the sack." +18793,1,My girlfriend told me to stop singing wonderwall. I said maybe... +18794,3,My parents tried to get me aborted But the doctor said 18 years was too late +18795,2,"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay." +18796,2,"A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar... The bar tender looks up ""What is this? A joke?""" +18797,0,Before God was making con men from a template... Was he con-templating it? +18798,1,Who decided to call it a dental xray and not a tooth pic? +18799,3,"A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink called ""Innuendo"". So the barkeeper gives it to her." +18800,1,Why should you never trust a problem with moving stairs? Because it just escalates it. +18801,1,If everyone saw the world through my eyes there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff +18802,1,One thing I respect about the construction industry Bills of steel +18803,4,"Dr. Watson: How young is too young? Elementary school, my dear Watson" +18804,2,What do you call someone who sleeps with a lot of men? Your mom. +18805,6,"Me: ""Do you shower after sex?"" Coworker: ""Yes."" Me: ""Then you should get laid more often.""" +18806,6,"Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland. When they see a sign at an intersection. ""Disneyland left"" ← so they went back home." +18807,3,What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. +18808,2,What do you call an unexpected gifts store? Present Supplies +18809,0,I heard they tell the best jokes at the Inside Jokes club. I guess you'd have to be there. +18810,0,What do you call a doctor who passed medical school with the lowest grade? Doctor +18811,2,Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays? Inflation. +18812,2,A ghost walks into a bar. 'What will you have?' asks the bartender. Ghost replies 'I'm here for the boos'. +18813,1,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. +18814,2,"A convicted murderer is sentenced to death by the electric chair. As is customary, the executioners have a priest brought in. ""Any last requests?"" asks the priest. ""Yes,"" says the murderer, ""can you please hold my hand?""" +18815,4,"If sexual innuendo becomes a crime, How many people will go down?" +18816,0,"Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in purgatory being sized up by God. ""Well Bill I'm going to let you decide on where you want to go"" says God. Bill replied, ""Well thanks God. What's the difference between the two?"" ""I'll show you,"" God replies. So Bill went to hell. It was a beautiful clean sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around playing in the water laughing and frolicking about. The Sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "" This is great!"" He told God. Bill then went to heaven. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing Harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as hell. Bill thought for a moment and then said, ""I think I prefer hell."" 'Fine', replied God, 'as you desire"". So Bill Gates went to hell. Two weeks later God decided to check up on him. When God arrived, he found Bill Shackled to wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in the dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. ""How's everything going, bill? "" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of Anguish and disappointment, ""This is awful this is not what I expected I can't believe this happened. What happened to the other place with all the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"" God says, ""that was the screensaver""" +18817,1,I do all my own stunts But never intentionally. +18818,0,"Moth balls Q: What do you have if you have a mothball in one hand, and a mothball in the other hand? A: A really big moth!" +18819,10,"I dropped my knife and cut off a toe After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in. Doctor: I have some good news and bad news. Me: Tell me the bad news first doc. Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Me: No way. Whats the good news? Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful. Me: What are you trying to say? Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe." +18820,0,One advantage to being colour blind is.. Always being able to quickly finish a Rubik's cube. +18821,2,"Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer So Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer and his lawyer says, “I’m sorry Mickey you can’t divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is incredibly silly.” Mickey replies “I didn’t say she’s incredibly silly, I said she’s fucking Goofy”" +18822,1,"A boy comes home from school... 'Dad', he says, 'I had sex with a teacher' 'I'm so proud of you! You're becoming a man! I'm going to get you a new bike!' Once they had bought a new bike, the dad asks his son if he wants to try it out 'no thanks...My butt still hurts'" +18823,0,What song was played at the computer's funeral? Caps. +18824,0,For the last six weeks some tw@ has been dumping loose soil all over my allotment! I'm not sure who or why but... the plot thickens! +18825,1,What’s the scariest thing about a white man in prison? You know he actually did it +18826,1,What's 3/4 of crap? Rap +18827,0,Why do dogs bark? Because they don't grow around the trunks of trees. +18828,0,I'm pretty sure a deaf person has a crush on me +18829,0,I think a lot of people hated Oedipus Because he was a motherfucker. +18830,0,I know a lot of lame and shitty jokes. Thank you! +18831,0,What’s worse than having ants in your pants ? Uncles. +18832,3,"The Captain of a warship is awoken by one of his officers The Officer yells, ""Sir there is an enemy ship on the horizon!"" The Captain is quiet for a moment and then says, ""Bring me my red shirt."" The Officer is surprised by this, ""Your red shirt sir?"" The Captain nods, ""yes, so if I am wounded in battle the men shall not notice!"" They win the day and sink the enemy, but the next morning the Officer awakens the Captain again, ""Sir the entire enemy fleet is on the horizon!"" The Captain is quiet for a moment then in a soft voice he says, ""bring me my brown pants.""" +18833,2,Why did the frog take the bus His car got toad +18834,1,What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. +18835,0,What do you call a Vietnamese cyborg? Nguyen improved. +18836,0,I was supposed to meet my friend at the gym today He said he should be easy to spot but I still haven't found him +18837,0,"No one ever expected much from me, so when the destiny calls... I will be like ""new phone, who dis?""" +18838,0,"The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot? No one because some men just want to watch the world burn. " +18839,2,[OC] My best friend recently lost the front of his foot in a boating accident and now I hate him. I'm surprised by how lactose intolerant I am. +18840,0,"A dyslexic man turned up at the hospital with a head injury so severe that his brain was literally hanging out, yet he claimed to have no knowledge of how it happened. He was diagnosed with a spilt personality." +18841,0,"If we were cats We could get meowied (More of a pickup line, but I laughed at myself)" +18842,4,"Never joke with a kleptomaniac. They will take it, literally." +18843,1,So two pencils got in an argument... It ended in a gra-fight. +18844,1,Most Middle Easterns REALLY don't like the Flintstones.. ..but the Abu Dhabi do! +18845,0,First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle? Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose! +18846,0,"So my friend made a Suicide Squad pun the pun was so bad, I hang myself." +18847,0,I told my girlfriend I had 12 inches.. [nsfw] she said I find that hard to swallow. +18848,0,"In ancient China, a group known as the Hi-Xen founded an advanced civilization, about a millennia or so before the unification of the Mongols. They had an advanced civilization, religion, and a massive capital city. The city was called Chih-when, and it was the power base of the emperor, who was thought to be a god like being. And once a year, as religion dictated, all of the citizens of Chih-when packed some belongings and made a pilgrimage to where the gods were thought to have originally descended from. This was similar to the Muslim Hajj, with a few exceptions: there was no massive stone, and there was a lot of representing symbolism. The Hi-Xen religion celebrated the union of male and female, and there was a lot of such ""unions"" made at the months before the ""Hajj"", as it was a sacred place to be born. The emperor's census takers estimated about 1.5 children would be born in a few months to each couple. However, this varied wildly, and in a city of millions, the result was disproportionate and the census inaccurate. Eventually, the census takers learned their lesson: don't count your Chih-whens before they Hajj." +18849,1,I hate online dating websites. The men never look like the woman in the picture. +18850,1,"What Dandruff Shampoo Does Guy Fieri Use? Frosted Flakes. Thought of this on the ride home and I am still laughing. Sorry for the bad joke, I needed to share. " +18851,2,Common sense is like dial-up internet access It hasn’t been used in years +18852,1,What do you call a man who sticks his dick in a tree? A woodpecker. +18853,3,There's a reason people don't make jokes about the Jonestown massacre! The punch line is too long. +18854,1,What did the mexican firefighter call his two sons? Hose A and Hose B +18855,0,"103 people tragically died in a bus accident in Mumbai, India yesterday. Imagine if it was an 8-seater. " +18856,0,How many dancers does it take to peel a carrot? five...six...seven...eight! (from 'Cooks vs. Cons') +18857,0,What is Lando's brother's name? Skyo +18858,0,Murderer I forgot to tell you that I'm officially a murderer. The two of them died a few days ago only hours after I adopted them. They died at the hands of me. It was the tainted water that I gave them. ...damn goldfish. +18859,1,What's brown & rhymes with Snoop Dogg? Dr. Dre +18860,3,"Donald Trump, Enrique Peña Nieto and Vladimir puttin are travelling in a helicopter for a top secret meeting when Suddenly Vladimir Putin throws his beautiful secretary out of the helicopter. Others:- Why did you do that? Vladimir Putin :- too many beautiful women in our country Then,Enrique Peña Nieto throws his tequila out Others :- Why? Enrique Peña Nieto :- Too much tequila in our country. Donald Trump being anxious, throws Enrique Peña Nieto and exclaims""Too many Mexicans!""" +18861,0,What do you call Michael J. Fox on a merry-go-round? A fidget spinner. +18862,4,"Two men are walking through the forest And they stumble across a deep hole in the ground. They think wow that's a really deep hole. One of them says ""I wonder how deep that hole is"" . The other guy says ""I took AP physics in high school I know what we can do. Let's find something heavy and drop it into the hole. Then, we listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom. I can calculate the depth from that."" So they both wander around the forest looking for something heavy. Then they find a rusty anvil Laying on the ground. They think it's odd to find an anvil in the forest, but bring it to the hole anyways. They drop it into the hole and listen for it to hit the bottom. Suddenly, a goat comes running through the trees and jumps straight into the hole. Since the guys were distracted by the goat, they didn't hear the anvil hit the bottom. So, they give up and keep hiking. They hike for a while, and start hearing someone yelling ""Ana! Ana!"" They meet this farmer and ask what he can't find. He says his goat Ana is missing. The guys told him about the goat who jumped into the pit, and the farmer tells them. ""Oh she can't go very far, she was tied to an anvil""" +18863,0,Beer makes you stupid.... Budweiser too. +18864,1,Whats better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out. +18865,0,What did the Doctor say when he bumped his knee on a table in the operating room? Ow. Fuck! +18866,3,A son comes out as gay Son: I'm gay Dad:*clenches fist* Mom: don't Dad*sweats profusely Mom:...... Dad: hey gay I'm dad +18867,1,Why didn't the Futurama crew get along with Bender's friend Arbite? asdf +18868,1,Your dark humor is like clean drinking water It’s tasteless. +18869,0,Why did the redditor cross the subreddit? To recycle a joke from the other side. +18870,4,"One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing... The younger asks his brother, ""What should we say?"" ""You say ass, and I'll say hell,"" replies the elder of the two. Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast. ""Oh hell,"" replies the elder, ""I'll have some Cheerios."" Their mother loses her mind. She swats at him, starts yelling. Face red she exclaims after him ""just wait until your father hears about this!"" as he retreats up the stairs. Shaking in anger she starts to regaining her composure, she takes a few breaths and turns to her younger son. ""And, what would you like for breakfast young man"" He considers it for a moment, and having just witnessed the entire scene states matter of factly: ""I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it's not Cheerios.""" +18871,2,If I had 50 cents for every math exam I've failed I'd have $9.30 +18872,2,I don't trust stairs They are always up to something +18873,0,What do you get when you cross Kerbal Space Program with Eve Online? No Man's Minecraft +18874,1,What Is Bluetooth ? When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing +18875,2,No matter how nice your kids are... ..German children are Kinder. +18876,1,Why should you never go in to a furniture store with a constipated man? He can never pass a stool +18877,1,what do you call 2 gay dudes in a sleeping bag? a fruit rollup +18878,5,"Little Johnny learns three new words (old Dutch joke) Little Johnny's mother asks him if he's learned any new words at school today. ""Well, I heard some of the older kids use three new words"" Johnny says ""'whore', 'fuck' and 'condom'! What do they mean?"" His mother is shocked. Little Johnny is way too young to know the meaning of these words, so instead she tells him: ""they're all to do with cycling sport, dear. ""Whore"" is another word for bike, ""fucking"" is another word for cycling and a ""condom"" is a bicycle chain"" The next day, Little Johnny is late for school. When he finally walks into the classroom, completely out of breath, his teacher asks him ""Johnny, what took you so long?"" ""I'm sorry, miss"" Johnny says ""I jumped on my whore, began fucking like crazy, but then all of a sudden my condom broke!""" +18879,1,"A guy walks into the library A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where are the self help books? The librarian said ""well if I tell you it would defeat the purpose"" Alternative: A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where are the books on suicide? The librarian said ""Fuck You we'll never get it back""" +18880,2,I think my girlfriend knows my reddit password.. edit: never mind I was wrong +18881,2,What do boners and stains have in common? If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away. +18882,0,What's the best type of song to listen to while having sex? A Banger +18883,4,"One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: ""I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."" The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: ""Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?""" +18884,2,What's a composers favorite type of girl? a minor +18885,1,I wonder if Samuel L Jackson has sent his father a 'Happy Motherfuckers Day' card today. +18886,1,"Little Johnny once went camping on a school trip At night, he approached his teacher’s tent, and said, “Miss, I am scared. I can’t sleep alone. Can I sleep in your tent.” The teacher thought for a second, and said “No” Johnny: “But Mommy always lets me do so, when I am scared” Teacher : “Okay, fine. But do not tell this to your friends” They both go into the tent After a while, Johnny wakes up his teacher “Miss, I can’t sleep. Can I poke my finger in your belly button? Mommy lets me do so when I can’t sleep” Teacher: “Okay, but do not mention it to anyone “ After a while “Johnny, that is not my belly button “ Johnny: “Well, it isn’t my finger either”" +18887,2,What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the OUTSIDE. +18888,0,"I saw this guy getting cornered by 4 thugs, so I thought I'd step in. Can't believe I'm saying this, but that nerd, Clark Kent, kicked our asses." +18889,0,What do you call a Samoan that's never on time? Sole...T +18890,0,"To us who have our birthday between Christmas and New Year's Mae West once said to a group of reporters at a local Chicago hotel so I'm told, Hay boys I just named my left knee Christmas and my right knee newyears ...any of you boys want to come up between the holidays? ." +18891,1,"A photon walks into a hotel and the bellhop says ""May I help you with your bags?"" The photon says ""No thanks, I'm traveling light.""" +18892,0,"Yo momma’s so fat, Whole Graham’s number fits on her ass!" +18893,2,How will Donald Trump create 25 millions jobs? By having 25 million people move to Canada. +18894,6,"The tough CEO A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, ""And how much money do you make a week?"" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ""I make $300.00 a week. Why?"" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, ""Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, ""Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, ""Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.""" +18895,1,"What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shades?" +18896,2,Gordon Ramsay screamed at me that I didn't know the first thing about seasoning But I took it with a pinch of sugar +18897,3,"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Actually, not much. Except the taste." +18898,3,"What's the difference between glue, tuna and a guitar? You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna" +18899,0,I don’t think I got the part as a cocaine dealer in my tv show audition… I totally messed up my lines… +18900,1,"I opened a business for shooting targets, but things haven't been good. All I get are drive-bys." +18901,4,"I am not racist I dont care if you are black, yellow or normal." +18902,0,What do you call a Walmart in Mexico? Wallmart +18903,1,What is the ironic part of medical school? It's bad for your health. +18904,2,Whatchya call a chick that don't suck dick? Ya dont +18905,0,"What do mothballs smell like? & more importantly, how do you get their legs open?" +18906,1,What do you call a group of dinosaurs? Congress +18907,0,Going Camping What happens when you have really passionate sex in the forest? Fucking in-tents +18908,1,What does a mosque and a 9 year old girl have in common? Prophet Mo’s been in both. +18909,4,"This guy walks up to his wife one day This guy walks up to his wife one day and grabs her breast, he says "" if these were firmer, you could get rid of your bra."" the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. The next day, the husband comes up to his wife and grabs her butt, and says, ""If this was firmer, you could get rid of your pantyhose."" the wife doesn't say anything, she just rolls her eyes. Later that night, they're laying in bed, and the wife rolls over and grabs her husband's dick, and says "" if this was firmer, we could get rid of the garbage man, the mail man, and your brother."" " +18910,5,I asked my Mexican friend how he felt about Trump building the wall... He said he’d get over it. +18911,4,Break ups are the worst in China You see her face everywhere +18912,5,Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again. +18913,1,Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate. They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher. +18914,3,"A woman carrying a duck gets on a bus.... When she takes her seat, a drunk man next to her exclaims, ""That's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!"" The woman replied, indignantly, ""That shows what you know. This is a duck."" The drunk says, ""I know, I was talking to the duck."" " +18915,0,My bolt was having software issues So I installed a screwdriver +18916,0,Remember when I looked good Neither do I +18917,4,"My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Well, guess who came crawling back." +18918,3,What did the Indian child say to his mother before he left for school? Mumbai! +18919,2,"A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans... ""First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"" ""But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"" ""Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?""" +18920,0,"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick... Jack got killed with a candlestick, in the kitchen by Colonel Custard." +18921,0,"pulp fiction papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato were walking down the street. Baby tomato starts lagging. Papa tomato reach to baby tomato, pats baby tomato's shoulder and says ""ketchup""." +18922,2,What's the most ironic food? Chili +18923,3,"NSFW Two guys go camping, but start getting on each other's nerves after a while. So they spend the day apart and meet up in the evening, telling each other about their day. You won't believe what happened to me, says one. I was walking through the forest, when I see this woman tied to some railroad tracks. Anyway, I untie her and spent the entire afternoon having sex, like never before. On top, from behind, sideways, everything! Wow, says the other, did you get a blowjob? No, I couldn't find the head." +18924,0,What do anal sex and spinach have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid.. you'll hate it as an adult! +18925,3,"I just ended a 5 year relationship Omg, are you fine? Yeah, it was not mine. " +18926,1,Hear about the blonde who broke her arm? She was raking leaves when she fell out of the tree. +18927,1,I don't suffer from madness. I enjoy every second of it. (attributed to Salvador Dali) +18928,0,What do you call loud & obnoxious Trump fans? Trump'ets +18929,0,What do you get when when you mix cocaine and LSD? Time +18930,0,What do you call a guy who's known for baked goods and also taking away illegally parked vehicles? The Pillsbury TOW Boy. +18931,1,"How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3: 1 to do it, post it, and not get credit for it; 1 to repost as if they did it; and 1 to state that the video is actually false and it never happened." +18932,0,"A person went to their hair cutting professional to get their hair cut. ""Hello, would you mind cutting my hair?"" they asked the professional. The professional responded, ""What do you mean, ***in half!?***""" +18933,3,what did the cannibal get when he showed up late to a dinner party A cold shoulder +18934,1,"An old man was out fishing one day... ... and was doing quite well for himself. He’d been keeping all of his catch in a 5 gallon bucket at the edge of the water, by his feet. A young state game warden, fresh out of the academy, walked up and asked to see the old man’s fishing license and inspect his fish. The young warden knew he’d hit a jack pot when he saw the contents of the bucket. Not bad for his first week on the job! The old man said, “Now sir, I can already imagine what you must be thinking- but I didn’t catch these fish. These here fish are my pets. It’s taken me some time, but I’ve trained my fish to swim out to the middle of the pond, splash around some and then, on my whistle, they come back here and jump back in the bucket! Of course the game warden thought he was lying, but thought he’d have a little laugh at the old man’s expense. He agreed to let the old man “prove his innocence”. So the old man leaned down and carefully tipped over the bucket and poured all the fish out into the water, talking softly to them as they swam off towards the middle of the pond. He stood back up and stared intently of into the distance for a few minutes with a look of concentration. After a while the game warden jeered, “Well- c’mon now- ain’t you going to whistle for them fish?!?!” The old man turned his eyes from the horizon, looked at the young game warden and said, “Whistle for what?”" +18935,0,"A man made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich He packed it into his lunch box and took a stroll out to the beach. He walked down the pier, took it out of the lunch box, and launched it as hard as he could into the ocean." +18936,1,"FlashLight A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, ""Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"". The woman says, ""Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes" +18937,0,"Did you hear about Post Malone? He's doing better now, better now" +18938,0,"Why is the Democratic electoral landscape like a Moebius strip? Cause no matter what you do, there always seems to be a Clinton claiming to be ""on your side"" . . . " +18939,0,What Slenderman doesnt have? Facebook. +18940,0,"2 days ago my grandfather saw 2 teenagers playing Pokemon Go from the front porch of my house, and he yelled: ""Oi! You kids over there! Why don't you stop looking for pokenoms or however the fuck you call those shits and go look for a job!" +18941,2,You know the drill But do you know the screwdriver? +18942,1,Do you know how I know you are gay? Your dick tastes like shit. +18943,1,Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game :D +18944,5,What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society. +18945,1,My wife is a magician. She can turn anything into an argument. +18946,4,Why is the right side of the body more important than the left? Because if you're missing your left side you'll still be all right. +18947,0,I got confused watching highlights from the SAG awards. I always thought they were the 15-year reunions of the AVNs. +18948,2,What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged. +18949,1,You can't keep your secret from a sheepdog. It herd everything. +18950,1,"No one said happy birthday to me today It’s okay, it’s not my birthday" +18951,0,Have You Heard Of Cole’s Law? It’s Thinly Sliced Pieces Of Cabbage. +18952,5,Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose +18953,3,"There is only one way Communist jokes are funny, If everyone gets them." +18954,3,They took the Duracell bunny into custody today He was charged with battery. +18955,1,What do a pregnant teen and a fetus have in common? They’re both thinking “Oh my God my mom is going to kill me.” +18956,0,"MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS BROKEN! But I just now realized that I can just hold the ""Shift"" key and type a character, and it will type the lower-case character. Takes a bit longer to type like this, but it's not that big of a deal." +18957,1,"My girlfriend wants a lumber themed breast tattoo “Seems like it would be ugly, wooden tit?”" +18958,0,Where do men go for vacation after their bar mitzvah? Jew-bouti +18959,0,Shoji Meguro was a spy the whole time He was using a faux persona +18960,4,Welcome to book-binding club Make yourself a tome. +18961,3,Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill. +18962,0,Why are there so many accidents during snowstorms? Because nobody wants to trudge through twelve inches of snow to buy condoms. +18963,0,The average person is really mean +18964,0,What's the similarity between a feminist and a gun One should not have their dick in them when they're triggered +18965,2,Optimist thinks that the world he's living in is the best possible. Pesimist is afraid that it's really true. +18966,2,"Dam Buster? Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end. One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood. The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest has stayed. Later on in the day a rescue boat is sent to the Church, they bang on the door and when the priest appears they say. ""The valley is going to flood, get in the boat and we'll take you out"" The Priest replies ""No worries my child, I have been praying all day and God will keep me safe"" ""Fine, but we'll come back later just in case"" An hour passes and the water is upto the first floor of the church, a larger boat is sent in and they bang on the first floor window and say ""We need to take you out father, the flooding is continuing and it's not safe"" The priest replies ""I have faith in the lord, he'll save me"" ""Ok, but we'll come back later just in case"" Later the priest is clinging to the steeple of the Church and a rescue helicopter hovers over and they winch a guy down, the man shouts! ""We need to take you out now Father, grab my hand and we'll winch you to safety"" But the priests faith is strong and he replies the same. ""I've been praying all day, god won't let me drown go in peace"" Anyway, he drowns and his soul ascends to heaven, when he gets to the pearly gates he's pretty pissed and says to St Peter ""I want to speak to god now, I'm not happy"" St Peter replies ""Sure, but you won't like the answer you get"" The priest goes before god and asks. ""Heavenly father, why did you let me drown?"" And god replies ""I sent you two boats and a fucking helicopter, what more do you want?""" +18967,2,"Little boy calls to his teacher and says ""James won't be in school today, he is sick"" Teacher replies ""Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"" Boy answers calmly ""With my Dad""" +18968,3,"My friend asked me if I were an ""arr"" pirate or a ""yo ho ho"" one I told him I'm an ""I'm not paying 600$ for Photoshop"" type of pirate " +18969,5,"Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum. An hava Marry Crispmouse..." +18970,5,"My girlfriend said that she wanted to split up because I acted too much like a detective I said ""good idea, we'll cover more ground!""" +18971,5,"An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London...... .......when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, ""That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."" Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, ""You're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"" The proud father answers, ""Seventeen pounds."" The bartender is puzzled and concerned. ""What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."" The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, ""Had him circumcised.""" +18972,0,"I like my women like I like my microwaves Small, white, and will kill any baby I put inside it." +18973,5,I finally have a girlfriend Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit +18974,1,Just got a job as a dust bin man! Haven't had the training yet but I'll pick it up as I go along +18975,1,"Two goldfish swimming in a tank. One bumps into the other one and says ""Sorry, I had water in my eyes. """ +18976,1,How do make a soul singer out of a duck? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers +18977,6,"A man goes to a doctor because he has a tapeworm The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told. The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass. The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told. The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is again confused but does as he’s told. The next day the doctor inserts both bananas up the guy’s butt and quickly grabs the mallet and waits. All of the sudden, the tapeworm pops out saying : Hey! Where’s my Snickers bar? WHAM!!!!" +18978,1,"A man and his parrot are living under Soviet rule... and, as you might expect, the man was not happy about Stalin and his actions. Rather than publicly profess his disdain for Uncle Joey, the man kept his views between himself and his parrot. The man would talk to his parrot for ages about ""Stalin this"" or ""Stalin that,"" and eventually the parrot started repeating some of these phrases back to the man. ""Go to Siberia!"" the parrot would say. ""Down with Communism!"" Being that the parrot was considerably louder and lacked the self-control of the man, the man's neighbors started to overhear the parrot screeching obscenities about Stalin and communism. Several calls were made to the KGB, and early the next morning, a group of agents were pounding on the man's front door. ""Who is it?"" the man groaned, rolling out of bed and still halfway asleep. ""This is the KGB. Open this door at once! We have heard talk of conspiracy against the state in this house, and we are here to investigate."" the agents yelled through the door. The man scrambled to his feet and looked around for a place to hide the parrot, who was squawking about Stalin again. Without a second thought, the man threw the parrot into his freezer. He calmly made his way to the front door and opened it for the agents. The agents wasted no time in their search for conspiracy. One agent interviewed the man, and the rest turned his home upside down looking for the parrot. They opened the freezer and found the poor bird shivering from the bitter cold. The agents took the bird out and tried to interview it, but the only thing it could say was: ""Long live Stalin! Long live Stalin!"" over and over again. The KGB agents began to laugh and apologized to the man for the misunderstanding and inconveniencing him so early in the morning. Before they left, they kindly reminded the man: ""How beautiful this is- keeping the noisy animals in the cold allows them to learn love for their country!!""" +18979,0,"I kiss my wife everyday before I leave for office Neighbor : ""Me too, right after you leave"" " +18980,2,"Prostate exam I wwnt in for my prostate exam, and took off my pants. I asked the doctor, ""Where do you want me to set these?"" ""Over there, next to mine,"" is not the answer I was expecting." +18981,0,Why can't you look forward to next year? You can only look back because hindsight is 2020. +18982,0,"A drunken man accidentally walks into a bar… Then he rubs his head and says, “Man, that hurt! I’ll have a bruise for sure!”" +18983,2,How come Kendall & Kylie never see their Father? Because he’s trans-parent! +18984,0,What do vegans lack? Brain cells. +18985,1,"A group of scientists. A group of scientists implant electronics on ants to try and control them. They start with a small batch of 5 ants. Each ant has a codename - they're called D1, D2, D3, D4 and D5. Each ant is assigned a task and data is collected about its behaviour. Scientists observe that D1, D2, D3 and D4 perform their tasks with great precision and willingness every single time but D5 doesn't. They change the complexity of the task and other control parameters but they keep getting the same result with D5. After trying for weeks, they're about to give up and that's when the lead scientist has an epiphany - D1, D2, D3 and D4 all show willingness to perform their tasks but D5 doesn't because he is D5 ant. Edit: Removed one word explanation of the joke on request. " +18986,0,"As it turns out, a large majority of the participants in the Running of the Bulls are Catholic priests. They all took a vow to stay chaste." +18987,1,"Hi, my name is Rico the Rooster, and I’m a sex addict. Over the course of 12 months, Farmer Ted saved every penny that he could to purchase the prize winning rooster known as Rico. Little did he know, Rico the rooster was a sexy addict. Farmer Ted returned home from the prize winning rooster auction and began to introduce his farm animals to Rico, as soon as Farmer Ted introduced Rico to Betsy the cow, Rico ran up behind her, and mounted Betsy for a good strong quickly. Rico would mount every animal after being introduced to them one by one, a total of 20 animals. The farm animals didn’t seem to mind, seeing that the farm has been very boring in the last few years. Rico continued this behavior for the next few days, when finally farmer Ted advised him to slow down, telling Rico that “all his sexual activity was going to take a toll on his heart one day.”Three weeks later as Farmer Ted was checking the hay growing in the pasture, he noticed Rico laying motionless in middle of the field. Farmer Ted ran over to Rico laying on his back, chest covered in dirt, and said, “Damn it Rico, I paid good money for you, now you’re dead, and I will never see a return on my investment!” Rico turned his head to Farmer Ted, opened his eyes and whispered, “shhhhh, there are buzzards above us!”" +18988,3,"Terrorists have kidnapped a senior politician A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks,""What's going on?"" ""Terrorists have kidnapped a senior politician, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse him in petrol and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations"". ""How much is everyone giving, on an average?"" the driver asks... The man replies, ""Roughly 2 litres.""" +18989,6,This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. I can raise my cat any way I want. +18990,1,"How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they can't reach it. " +18991,1,Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean +18992,1,I have a photographic memory. But its a Polaroid instant camera from the 80's. +18993,1,What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden. +18994,1,"Two 12-year olds are sitting in a park. Laying next too each other, relaxing and cousy. Then all of the sudden in the moment, the boy gets a kiss from the young girl. His face turns red while backing off. ""What's wrong? Wasn't it good?"" Asked the girl. ""No no no! It's just that my mom told me if I ever kiss a girl, she would turn me in a statue. And I feel it's already starting!!"" " +18995,9,"A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.” " +18996,1,How does a penman make his living? He charges a calligra-fee of course! +18997,3,Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket. +18998,0,Why did kurt pull the trigger? He couldn't get hole out of his head +18999,1,"I was pulled over and the officer told me he was going to test the drugs he found in my car I told him thank you, if it’s not of the highest quality I don’t want it" +19000,1,How do you wanna piss someone from Hiroshima off? Call them a boomer +19001,0,"A mailman meets a blind man at an intersect. The blind man tells the mail man that there will be a car carsh in three seconds.. In three seconds a red corvett smashes into a volvo. ""How could you now?"" The mail man asked. ""I'm a predictor"" ""Wow, could you teach me?"" ""Of course, follow me"" the blindman said and walks to the end of the road and in to a forrest. The mail man follows until they walk up to a large tree. The mail man is instructed to stand by the tree, closely facing the bark. ""You have to lean down a bit so you can grab by the bottom of the stem"" the blind man says. ""Omg, you are about to fuck me here against this tree are'nt you!?"" ""Now you're a predictor!""" +19002,0,"If a is equal to b and b is equal to c, then a is equal to c. I should've gone to Harvard." +19003,1,What if Steven hawking is the real slim shady We'll never know because he can't stand up +19004,3,"A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession... A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession. \\- Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned - I hid a jewish family in my cellar during the war. \\- But this isn't a sin, in fact you have done a god thing! \\- But father, I charged them 100 euros per week! \\- Well you risked your life and if they agreed to this then it's still not a sin. Granddad walks away but then returns in a short while, saying: \\- Then maybe I should let them know the war is now over?" +19005,2,"Mike was a man who lived by himself Though not exactly rich, he did well by himself, and worked hard and well at his job. One day, he received news that it looked like his business was going to be shut down. Mike worried about it, working harder, but his job closed just the same and, after a month out of work, he was low on finances and it looked that the bank was about to foreclose on his house. ​ In desperation, he dropped to his knees and prayed ""God, I know we don't talk much, but I'm in a big way here. Please let me win the lottery, and I'll go to church every Sunday and pray before every meal."" ​ Sadly, he didn't win the lottery, and the bank foreclosed on his house, leaving him with just his car. He lived out of his car for a while, but with no shower and a limited wardrobe, he was unable to get a job. Eventually, his bank notified him that, unless he was able to continue paying off his car, they would have to confiscate it. Once again, Mike dropped to his knees and prayed. ​ ""Father, I can't afford to lose my car. If I lose this, I lose all I have! Please let me win the lottery!"" ​ But Mike didn't win the lottery this time either, and the bank took his car. Homeless and on the streets, Mike wandered for a time, before eventually contracting pneumonia. Down at the edge of the riverbed, with no way to pay for medicine or treatment, he gave one last bitter prayer. ​ ""God, I'm going to die here. The money would fix all my problems, and I'd be able to get on my feet again. Please, let me win the lottery!"" ​ There was a peal of thunder and the ground shook. The clouds rolled back, and a brilliant light shone from the heavens. A voice, rich and powerful, spoke from the clouds. ​ ""Mike, meet me half way. At least buy a ticket.""" +19006,4,"My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II... Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, ""Did you ever kill anyone?"" He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, ""Probably. I was the cook.""" +19007,3,"A woman delivers a baby The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming ""WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"" The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says ""Ahh I'm just messing with you ma'am, it was stillborn.""" +19008,0,"Jesus walks into a restaurant... ...and says to the maître d', ""Table for 26 please."" Confused, the maître d' does a quick head count, and says, ""But there are only 13 of you."" Jesus replies, ""Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side.""" +19009,0,"A ham sandwich walks into a bar A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says ""Sorry, we don't serve food in here""" +19010,0,A truly historic day. Thousands of women at a mall.. and no shoe sale. +19011,0,"Drinking Game Every time in a Trump vs Hillary debate that an answer/response exceeds 2 minutes, take a shot." +19012,3,Hugh Hefner Peacefully Passed Away From Natural Causes Today. Playmate Natural Causes could not be reached for comment. +19013,1,"Mr.Ferguson always takes the A200 to go to work, One day, Ms,Ferguson hears on the radio. « Attention to all listeners on the road today, a car on the A200 is reportedly driving backwards » Ms.Ferguson, worried, calls Mr.Feguson and says « Honey, I heard on the radio that a car is driving backwards on the A200, be careful » « It’s not one car » says Mr.Ferguson, « It’s thousands of them »" +19014,0,I feel bad for people who have to do absolutely horrendous things just to feed their family. I need someone to shave my asshole. I live in So Cal and I just got my tax return. +19015,1,In the gym I have worked for 10 weeks and i am surprised at the result I have lost 70 days +19016,5,If you see a robbery at the Apple store... ... does that make you an iWitness? +19017,1,Telling jokes is all about delivery. Not DiGiorno. +19018,0,How do you stop a polar bear from having diarrhea? Get toilet paper and stick it up its ice hole. +19019,1,"An Art Critic is having a bad day. He arrives in his office, only to hear the phone ring. Picking it up, it's from his agent. This is what he says: ""Alright, I got good news and bad news."" ""Tell me the good news first, I've been having a horrible day."" ""Ok boss. Good news is that your wife found some pictures. Says she expects maybe $100,000 for them."" ""Oh, that's wonderful! Exactly what I needed to hear. And what was the bad news?"" ""They're of you and your secretary.""" +19020,8,An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit +19021,2,How does every black joke start? With a white guy looking over his shoulder. +19022,0,What disease do most bees have? Dia-bee-tes +19023,0,The LGBTQ community are making it harder for me to get away with gay jokes Those bundles of sticks!!!! +19024,1,You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage. It gets pretty kinky. +19025,1,"Puns are the lowest form of humour Unless you thought of it yourself, then is hilarious" +19026,2,I saw 3 guys beating up Donald Trump and went to help... Theres no chance he could fight all four of us. +19027,0,"A turtle in WW1 A young turtle fighting in the trenches, brazen and bold. He had been shelled before." +19028,0,"What button did the Woman with alot of unread Emails press after whooping her son, Mark? Mark Ass Red." +19029,0,"My girlfriend just asked me ""where do you see us in 3 years time?"" ""I dunno"" I says, ""not like I've got 2020 vision is it""" +19030,4,"Reddit reminds me of 1849 Everyone is searching for gold, but few actually get it. " +19031,0,I was considering changing my bedsheets today... But I thought I'd sleep on it +19032,0,What does Austin Powers say when he wants honey? “Oh bee hive” +19033,0,Endgame joke. Thanos: I am inevitable Tony Stark: No you aren’t. You’re thanos +19034,0,Why are YouTuber's so unhyginic? They cannot clip their huge thumbnail. +19035,0,What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite sub? It's r/cooking....what are you stupid? +19036,2,Does anyone here know the definition of a will? C'mon guys it's a dead giveaway +19037,1,"You know, most letters of the alphabet aren't racists... ...but not z" +19038,5,The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives? America. +19039,2,Why did none of the girls at Hogwarts ever get pregnant? Fetus Deletus! +19040,3,Why can't women be writers? They're afraid of periods. Edit:I told this to my mom and it took all day to comma down. +19041,0,"In the future the prank call, ""is your refrigerator running?"" still isn't funny... Though it has become a great concern." +19042,3,"Two men are sharing a hospital room. ""What are you in here for?"" the first man asks. ""I'm getting a circumcision ,"" his roommate replies. ""Damn,"" exclaims the first man. ""I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year.""" +19043,1,"A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun. The German and Russian first bump into a Brick Wall, the Brit whispers to them, ""Watch where you're going gits 'fore I crush you both."" The German and Russian run away in terror from the talking Wall. The German and Russian smash straight into a Mail Box as the Brit whispers, ""I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I don't think you actually have anything to mail."" The German and Russian fumble off in a random direction from the sentient Mail Box. The German and Russian finally ram straight into a Pole as the Brit whispers, ""Oh God, not again.""" +19044,1,"Magic Steven was Andrew and Sasha’s third child. He had always been peculiar. For instance, by the time he was barely two, he could hold a proper thirty minute conversation with any adult. And he loved to talk. Well at first, at least. However, as years passed, it started becoming a problem when he started finding it impossible to stay quiet even for minutes. Even when he was alone, he felt the constant need to mumble. There were positives, of course. For instance, who doesn’t love a man who stays to talk after sex. But Steven realized something must be done. When all western medicines failed and there was little hope left, somebody recommended he visit Nepal where there were monks who knew of ancient magic that could heal anything. Having little to lose, he decided to give it a shot. On reaching the place, he visited many monks all of whom would tell him, it is simple, and leave it at that. Hopeless, he decided to visit a last priest before he left. “It is simple”, the monk told him. “Simple, simple, simple. What a waste of a trip. All you monks have given me are six useless letters. S I M P L E.” And he stopped. It worked. He was quiet. How, he wondered. The monk smiled, “It’s a simple spell, but quiet unbreakable”." +19045,1,What do you call a doll on fire? A Barbie-Q +19046,1,What happened to the convict on death row who ordered only an ice cream sunday as his last meal? He got his just desserts +19047,0,Apple has a huge news announcement tomorrow... The introduction of the headphone jack. +19048,0,What did a communist name their cat? Lady Mao +19049,2,"The Consultant A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, ""Why the spoon?"" Well,"" he explained, ""the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."" As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. ""I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."" I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ""Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"" ""Oh, certainly!"" Then he lowered his voice. ""Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."" ""After you get it out, how do you put it back?"" Well,"" he whispered, ""I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."" " +19050,8,"So there's a fly... and a gnat lands on its back. The fly says, ""is there a gnat on my back?"" The gnat says, ""gnat at all."" The fly says, ""that's the worst pun I've ever heard."" The gnat goes, ""what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!""" +19051,2,Sleeping Tablets. I accidentally mixed my sleeping pills with my Viagra: Ended up having 40 wanks: +19052,3,"A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ""I think I can stand over the hole!"" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ""Grab for my penis and pull yourself up."" And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.  " +19053,1,Knock knock Who's there? Radio Radio who? Radio not I'm gonna cum in your mouth -Chuck Palahniuk +19054,0,"What’s the difference between a black and white fairy tale? White begins with, “once upon a time” Black begins with, “y’all mother fuckers ain’t gonna believe dis shit”" +19055,2,"Blonde painting a living room While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room. After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing. She said, ""I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."" He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, ""Why are you wearing two coats? She replied, ""I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"" " +19056,2,"Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while I tried to learn the meaning of ""many"" It means ""a lot""" +19057,2,What do you call a blonde at an institution of higher learning? A visitor +19058,5,"Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas... They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.   The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.   The roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.   ""*What the heck was that for?*"" the roughneck asked.   ""*You're in Texas,* "" the trooper answered. ""*When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.*""   The trooper ran a check on the license and the roughneck was clean, so he gave him his license back.   The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.   ""*What'd you do that for?*"" the roughneck demanded.   ""*Making your wish come true,*"" replied the trooper.   ""*Making WHAT wish come true?*"" the roughneck asked.   ""*I know you roughneck types,*"" The trooper said. ""*A hundred feet down the road, you would've turned to your buddy and said, 'I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!'*""" +19059,2,"Englishman an Irishman and Scotsman An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through the desert when the car breaks down. They decide they have to abandon the vehicle but take parts off of the car to survive the journey. The Englishman goes and takes the radiator..""at least I can have a drink of water to keep me going"" The Irishman says ""fuck it I'll take the chair, at least I'll have something to rest myself on"". The Scotsman steps up and begins removing the front door...the two lads puzzled look at him and say ""what's the story?what on earth will you do with a door..??!!the Scotsman looks up..""at least when it gets too hot I'll be able to let a window down"". " +19060,3,A couple of magnets showed their positive side... they got divorced. +19061,0,Which Broadway Musical should a child avoid right after a divorce hits the family and he is stuck with his dad? Mama Mia +19062,0,Did you know that root beer is cute? Its name is aw... +19063,2,"Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy It's OK, he's just a little racist." +19064,0,How does a Social Media Interrogator make people talk? He makes them Snap +19065,1,What sound does someone make when they laugh their head off? Ha-ha-ha-*plop* +19066,1,Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo drizzle. +19067,0,"TIFU by sleeping with a guy for the first time  I'm a 27 year old Lesbian, and I've always thought I'm just a lesbian. I figured it out when I was about 13, and since then I've never really been attracted to boys at all. I've never ever been interested in boys or having a relationship with one. I have many guy friends, but I've never been sexually attracted to any of them in any sense of the word, or any male really. I've always been attracted to women. I'd walk down the street, I'd see a woman, and I'd in my head imagine being with her for a night. I'm really shy about it, and I never talk about sexuality in open, except with my partner, since I'm really, really shy about it. But I am a very sexual person towards women, I think about almost every woman I come in contact with who is moderately attractive. I was in a relationship with a girl for the past 5 years. I really loved her, I thought we were going to be together forever, I really did. Over the past year things started to get bumpy, and she really began changing. Her personality changed and she wasn't the girl I fell in love with. She was sometimes becoming really violent and abusive, and the next day would be very meek and apologetic, and then would go back to being angry. I couldn't deal with her anymore, it reached a certain point where I felt... I just didn't care for her anymore as a person. This was going on for a year so when we decided to break up, it was so clear this was what had to happen. She wanted to still 'stay friends'. I was struggling to hold back the tears, but many came through. I refused, I said no, it was over, no friends, no nothing, we're through. She got angry, said some really nasty things, I got scared a little, but then it was over. I was just left with my tears. The next few days were terrible, I would spend a lot of the time crying. And this is when it happened. I have one friend, he's really close, he's probably one of my best friends. He's a straight guy, but he's also 22, so he's much younger than me. He knows I'm lesbian and has always been there for me, we've known each other for maybe 2 years, 2 and a half years. We haven't known each other that long, but our friendship flourished from the get-go. There was never any romantic tension or sexual sparks between us, he knew I was strictly into women and respected that. We were together at my home, we were talking. When I say we, it was mostly me. I was just going on and on about her, and what she meant to me, and how she hurt me. He kept reassuring me that I did the right decision because she was becoming borderline abusive, but I had convinced myself that I still loved her. He was telling me I shouldn't do this to myself, and I deserve much better. I was the one who initiated it, it was all me. I don't know what came over me. He was sitting on the couch, and I pressed forward with him, trying to come on to him, trying to kiss him. He was at first resistant and was unsure of what I was doing, he said ""what are you doing"" ""are you sure, you want this."" I told him ""please, this is what I want"", and then he went with it too. I then led him up to the bedroom in my house, things started getting heated and suddenly he asked for some money! I quickly looked again and realized he was an extinct reptile from the Mesozoic era and I was like ""Damnit Loch Ness monster! I ain't givin you no treefiddy!""" +19068,1,"To celebrate the end of winter, my local bed shop is having a spring sale. The rest of the bed is still full price though." +19069,2,What did the sheep say to her abusive shepherd? You're herding me. +19070,0,Cough is to dust as sneeze is to pollen Just an example of AnAllergy. +19071,2,Driving is like League of Legends Everyone but me is fucking terrible. +19072,3,I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people But none of them work +19073,0,"I have been working in a pharmacy for years. Over the years, I have seen many people and learnt many things. Sometimes people just don't know what medicine they need, but more often that I though before people use them for illegal activities. It is very easy to see who is here with legit problems. Their body language rarely lies. That is why I have always asked for a prescription when someone comes to me with constipation problems. If they get awkward and can't maintain eye contact, I go ahead and give them what they want, because I know they are full of shit." +19074,2,"A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?” “Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”" +19075,1,What kind of tree likes to vote A pinion tree +19076,0,If your uncle Jack is stuck on the roof and needs help. Do you help your uncle Jack off? +19077,1,Crime really does happen at Pokestops! I met up with my dealer at one last night. +19078,0,"Helium, Krypton, and Neon started a band. Why did everyone hate their cover of Don't Fear the Reaper? No Bell." +19079,3,"Smokers Delight 3 old ladies were smoking cigarettes behind the nursing home. It started to rain so two of them threw their cigarettes on the ground all pissed off. The third one pulled a condom out of her pursue, rolled it down her cigarette and continued smoking. The other two asked in amazement where she had gotten it. She told them that she got them at the drug store. The next day, the nursing home took a trip to the drug store. The two old ladies went to the counter and asked the clerk if he had any condoms. He looked puzzled but in a professional tone asked them what type they would like. They look at each other and then back at him and answer,,, I don't know, as long as it will fit a camel." +19080,0,"A black guy, Mexican and white guy are on a plane The plane is too heavy and the Captain orders each of them to drop one thing. The Mexican drops a lawn mower saying ""Theres too many of these in my country"" The black guy drops his jays saying ""I have too many of these in my closet"" The white guy pauses and thinks, he pushes the black guy and Mexican saying ""Theres too many of these people in my country""" +19081,0,Last night on a flight to Denver I finally joined the mile high club! .....solo aviators division. -Arj Barker is a legend. +19082,2,You can't cook vegetables in the microwave. The wheelchairs don't fit. +19083,4,"A couple was walking in Moscow in the 1970s The husband looked up at the sky and said ""It looks like it's going to rain. We should probably try to get home."" His wife disagreed, and said ""I don't think so. I'd like to just keep walking."" They continued on their walk for a while, but the husband still thought it was going to rain. So he walked up to a nearby policeman and said. ""Excuse me, officer, but would you have the time to help my wife and I settle a little disagreement?"" The policeman replied ""Of course. Rudolph always has time to help."" So they told the policeman about their discussion and Rudolph said that it did look like it was going to rain. Smugly, the husband turned to his wife and said ""See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.""" +19084,2,I can never understand organic chemistry. It has alkynes of problems. +19085,0,"The Sunday School teacher asked me if I've ever heard about the Rezerection? I replied, ""Yeah A native girl gave me one in a teepee once!!""" +19086,0,"One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?" +19087,0,"Is sterility heritable? I mean, if you are a father and you sterile, is your son then aswell? Think about it ;-)" +19088,0,How is a woman like a fish? You have to throw em back before it's too late. +19089,2,Where did Voldemort write down all his feelings and thoughts? In his die-harry. +19090,2,Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon. Lunar ticks +19091,0,Why do dogs smell other dog's piss? They are just checking their peemail! +19092,0,"do you know the joke with the bald guy in the bathroom? me neither, the door was closed." +19093,1,A dyslexic man... Walks into a bra. +19094,2,"My buddy was asking me what my favorite body type for a woman is. I said, ""Just call me Dithturbed..."" ""cause I am down with the thiccness!""" +19095,0,What happens when you turn off a jack in the box You jack off +19096,10,After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs” “Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other” +19097,3,"I asked an old man.. One day I asked an old man, ""Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's your secret?"" The old man replied ""I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her""" +19098,0,"What do a sneeze, a french-dip, and Woody Allen have in common? Ah Jew!" +19099,2,How do you find Will Smith in the winter? You look for The Fresh Prince. +19100,0,"What do you call a small, gay rock? A fruity pebble" +19101,2,"Bob Ross famously said that ""we don't make mistakes, just happy accidents""... Clearly he never played Tetris." +19102,1,"A historically corrupt police department hires a new chief to help clean up their image. At the press conference where the new chief is announced, he promises, “I’m going to turn this department around!” His statement is met with thunderous applause. And he keeps his promise, so much so that after two weeks, an officer who had been on leave returns to work and remarks, “Is it just me or has this entire building rotated 180 degrees?”" +19103,3,"A Japanese man on holiday in the USA Goes into a bank and asks the teller/cashier to change 1000 yen into dollars. The teller/cashier gives him 90 dollars. Next day the Japanese man returns to the same bank goes to the same teller/cashier and asks to change 1000 yen into dollars. This time he receives 85 dollars. What's this says the Japanese man, yesterday I get 90$ today 85$. Fluctuations replies the teller/cashier. Well, fluck you amelicans too, exclaims the Japanese man." +19104,2,I once met a prostitute that said she would do anything for $100 I said paint my house. +19105,1,"If I ever make a weed farm... It'll be called ""The Pottery""" +19106,0,What to do in a nuclear war Step 1: find a shelter/basement Step 2: crouch near the wall Step 3: put your head between your legs Step 4: kiss your ass goodbye +19107,0,"[NSFW] So a guy in Belgium picks up a phone... ""Hey, who is this?"" ""Allah"" ""Allah who?"" ""Allahu akbar.""" +19108,1,"Three kids were playing with a mini train station... Three kids were playing with a mini train station and when it stopped at the station the one yelled: ""All the people getting on the train, get on the train, all the people getting off the train, get off the fucking train. The mom came in and scollded at the boy for say a bad word and sent him to his room. Three hours later the mom came to fetch the boy and take him back to play. When the train stopped at the station again the child yelled: ""All the people getting on the train, get on the train, all the people getting off, get off. The people who want to complain about the Three hour delay, talk to the fat bitch in the kitchen." +19109,2,I��m taking an Irish-Spanish history class. It’s called History Juan O’Juan +19110,3,"Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says to the other, ""WOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO."" The second whale says, ""Shut up Steve, you're drunk.""" +19111,7,"Home Depot Scam BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM A ""heads up"" for you all who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam. While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ""No"" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. ​ You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets." +19112,1,"Psychiatrist A man went to see a psychiatrist. When he entered the room he was naked but completely wrapped in cellophane. The psychiatrist said to him, ""I can clearly see you're nuts!""" +19113,1,A music store was robbed last week... The thieves made off with the lute. +19114,2,"I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always wanted a night in, shining armour." +19115,1,Phone in rice Once my phone fell in the toilet so I put it in a rice bowl . That is how you get starving 5 year old chinese kids to fix your phone. +19116,1,I’m going to tattoo a row of rabbits running away on the top of my head. That way if I go bald everyone can see my receding hare line. +19117,1,"Let He Without Sin Cast the First Stone. Jim had caught his younger brother stealing money from his room earlier. He had chased him all the way into the back yard and was about to throw a stone at his brother when his father appeared. Dad: In the bible it says: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone......”, come on son let go of the stone, he is your brother after all. Jim nods at his dad and drops the stone and storms up into his room in a fit of rage. Later at dinner time, Jim's younger brother, Donald, was sitting at the table with a big bruise on the side of his temple. Dad: Donald, What happened?, Why is there a massive bruise on the side of your head?, I told Jim not to throw the stone, it was very unchristian of him. I get a lot of cases at the my law-firm, where kids younger than your brother do less harm but end up in way more trouble with the authorities. Donald: Jim didn't throw the stone dad, instead, he slipped Agatha (their sister) $10 dollars to throw the stone at me. He found a loophole in the doctrine. Dad: (with a tear in his eye) He is ruthless, heartless and unscrupulous, he'll be a partner at my firm in no time at all." +19118,1,My girlfriend is like a box of chocolates. I want to take her top off. +19119,3,My girlfriend is so smart I called her from my friends phone and when she answered she said “hey babe what’s up?” How did she know it was me? +19120,0,A guy goes to a deli... A guy goes to a deli and ask for a link of summer sausage. The clerk asks if he would like the sausage sliced into coins. The guy replies: Does my ass look like a piggy bank? +19121,3,I witnessed a Mexican Standoff the other day. It was Juan v Juan. +19122,1,"It's hard to meet women as a programmer. I've been told there's plenty of fish, but all I'm getting is StackOverflow" +19123,0,This guy with a premature ejaculation. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere. +19124,0,How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and one to apologize to the darkness. +19125,4,"My wife yelled at me today, saying, ""You were not even listening now, were you!?"" What a weird way of starting a conversation!!" +19126,4,Why is r/jokes the most environmentally friendly sub? Every joke is made from 100% recycled material. +19127,6,Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother? He’s called Broco Lee. +19128,0,"How can you tell if you're Canadian (Italian joke) Go to a cliff and yell ""Mangia"". If your echo says "" cake""...." +19129,0,You know why they call me Long Dick Frank? cause my name is Frank +19130,1,"Two men digging and filling holes... Two construction workers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ""I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ""Well, I suppose it probably looks odd the guy who plants the trees called in sick.'"" " +19131,0,What do Matt Damon and Donald Trump have in common? Nobody wants to pay for their Wall. +19132,2,"Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way... I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much. It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato. I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing. So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(" +19133,7,"My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore” I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF" +19134,3,"My girlfriend nicknamed me the ""Microwave Meal"" Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished." +19135,0,What has two legs and two legs Dog +19136,1,I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted. +19137,2,"A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, ""Hey bartender! Give me two beers and a mop!""" +19138,1,How can you tell Donald Trump has one leg shorter than the other? He leans to the Right. +19139,1,"A scruffy old drunk walks in to a bar... ... and says ""give me a fucking pint and a whisky pal"". The barman says ""sure, but there's no need for the bad language though"". The old fella drinks his pint down in one go and then pours the whisky in to his coats top pocket. The barman is watching this and just shakes his head thinking the guy is obviously nuts. ""Another fucking pint and another fucking whisky right now"" the drunk shouts. The barman again pours his drinks but reminds him about his bad language and suggests he calms down a little. The old fella ignores this and proceeds to drink his pint in one and then pour the whisky into his top pocket. ""Gis anova pint an anova fuckin' whisky you bast'"" he shouts. The barman is getting pretty fed up at this point. ""I'll give you one more drink"" he says, ""but your attitude needs to get better real damn quick if you want any more after that"". Again the old guy drinks his pint in one and pours his whisky into his pocket. ""Gis anova fucking pint and whisky you piece of shit barman shit..."" he slurs. The barman has had enough by now. ""Sorry Sir it's time you left"". ""I ain't goin' nowhere you bast'"" shouts the drunk. ""Sir if you don't leave now, I'll be forced to call the police on you"" replies the barman. At this the drunk becomes even more aggressive. ""You filthy bast', just wanna drink, you fuck. I'll see you outside now, right now, on the car park you fuckin' bast'"" he screams. And a little mouse pops his head out of his coat pocket and shouts ""yeah, and bring yer fuckin' cat"". (First ever post, so if I've done this wrong then forgive me)." +19140,4,"A man asks a blonde how many apples can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies ""Four"". The man says, ""No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty"". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend. Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach? Friend: Five. Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four." +19141,1,What was John Lennon's favorite fruit & place to eat it? A wee olive in a yellow submarine. +19142,0,"An old bull and a young bull are standing on top of a hill... [NSFW] And there's a heard of cows in the valley as far as the eye can see. The young bull immediately exclaims, ""Let's run down there and fuck a couple of them cows!"" The old bull immediately retorts, ""How about we WALK down and fuck THEM ALL!""" +19143,3,My Grandma's like the Moon... Nobody's cared about visiting her for 40 years. +19144,2,My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer. He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around. +19145,1,I offered a woman my honor And she honored my offer And all night long i was on her and off her +19146,0,"Why Trump's meeting with Obama last so long? To make Obama find the birth certificate, the long one!" +19147,1,"Every night, I have attractive girls banging on my door And sometimes, I let them out!" +19148,4,"Lunatic Asylum staff draw a realistic looking door on a wall The staff tell all the crazy people that whoever exits through that door can leave the facility.. all the lunatics stampede and hurt themselves in the process but keep trying-- everyone wants to be the first to get out. The staff notices one of the lunatics who is not participating but is watching the rest from a distance while laughing uncontrollably. They approach him, thinking that he got the gist.. They ask him ""why are you laughing"" He answers ""Those idiots think they can leave through that door, but there's no way they can"" The staff become excited that at least one of their patients is showing signs of sanity-- they ask him ""why can't they leave?"" He stops laughing and looks at them with a serious face ""because I have the only key""" +19149,0,What is a horny piece of furniture called? A sextional. +19150,0,Why are Americans so fat? We ain't rushin! +19151,0,"When all your towels are in the wash, having a penis is really inconvenient. But it sure does come in handy." +19152,0,"So, I followed reddit's advice and told my wife... ... that maybe we could work-out together and lose some weight. That'd help our sex life. She quickly retorted, ""No please. Our sex life is fine, I only get 4-5 days off in a month.""" +19153,3,"The Pickle Slicer Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, ""What's wrong, Bill?"" ""Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"" His wife gasps, ""My God, Bill, what happened?"" ""I got fired."" ""No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"" ""Oh, um, she got fired, too.""" +19154,4,"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted, my dad told me. ""Are you kidding? Really?"" I shouted. ""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour.""" +19155,5,I like to play chess with old bald men in the park But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them. +19156,5,Christians don't get angry. They get cross. +19157,0,How do you get to Ted Bundy’s house? Down the psycho-path. +19158,0,"I recently got a really short haircut, I thought it was pretty bad But it’s starting to grow on me" +19159,0,What does a cigarette drink? Smoka- cola +19160,2,What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ... +19161,4,Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it is two tired. +19162,1,I'm going to live.... Or die trying. +19163,2,I’m really good at jokes I’m jokeking +19164,4,Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care. +19165,0,What's it called when an android becomes angry? 'Roid rage. +19166,0,What it is called when a woman only flashes half of a room? Inequititty +19167,2,"What's the one thing missing from the offensive jokes on r/jokes? Karma, Whores." +19168,3,"What's the difference between an angel and a Scotsman? An angel will say, ""Hey you, get off of my cloud!"" and a Scotsman will say, ""Hey Macleod, get off of my ewe!""" +19169,3,911 What's your emergency? **Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS! **911:** Did you check your pockets? **Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind. +19170,2,What do you call a dog in a submarine? A sub-woofer! +19171,1,What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of it's paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. +19172,0,"Did you hear the director of Zootopia is making a new Disney movie with Lin-Manuel Miranda? They haven't announced the title yet but I'm guessing it's ""Camelton""" +19173,0,The OCD Postman... Always Rings 47 Times +19174,2,"Do you think you are suitable for the role? asked the job interviewer."" ""Yes,"" I said. ""I promise you that no person would be better for the job."" ""Well,"" he said. ""I guess I won't hire anybody then.""" +19175,4,Yo momma so basic... ...she got a pH of 15. +19176,2,"Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events? Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to." +19177,1,"Two Guys Walk Into a Restaurant for Lunch The waitress comes to serve them and asks for drinks first. The first guy says, “Can I have some H2O?” The second guy says, “Can I have some H2O too?” The waitress comes back. The first guy is well hydrated, and the second guy is well, dead." +19178,0,What room is missing from almost every house? a Mushroom +19179,0,"A military plane was flying over the countryside A military plane was flyinh over the countryside, when it started to lose altitude, so the pilot says, ""Throw something out, the plane's too heavy!"" So they throw out a pistol The plane is still losing altitude so the pilot shouts ""Throw more stuff out we're still losing altitude!"" So they throw out a rifle The pilot is losing control so in a final attempt, they throw out a missile. They manage to land safely so they take their 4x4 for a drive. They meet a small boy on the side of the road, crying when asked what was wrong the boy replied, ""A pistol fell out the sky an' 'it me on the head"" The soldiers drive on and they meet another boy crying even harder, he said, ""A rifle fell out the sky an' 'it me on the head"" They drive a bit further when they meet another boy who is laughing hysterically. The soldiers ask him, ""What's so funny?"" He replied, ""I sneezed and a house blew up!""" +19180,1,"What do women and KFC have in common? Once you're done with the breasts and legs, all that's left is a greasy box to stick your bones in." +19181,5,I was kidnapped by some mimes 4 years ago today The things they did to me were just unspeakable +19182,0,"A woman gets on a crowded bus and says to a man sitting, ""Would you give up your seat for a pregnant woman?"" The man immediately stands and offers her his seat. He looking at the woman, who doesn't look very big, and asks: ""How far along are you?"" ""About 39 minutes.""" +19183,6,"Hurricane Harvey is no joke. https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793 To find out how to help, follow the link above." +19184,1,"What did one board game say to the other? Hey, wanna play a game? I'm board." +19185,3,I like my coffee like I like my women Without a penis +19186,1,Why did the skeleton go alone to the prom? Because he had nobody to go with. +19187,0,King Kong and Godzilla are Discussing What to Have for Dinner King Kong: Let's eat bananas. Godzilla: We have bananas every night; let's go eat Japanese! So they did. +19188,1,"Every man's dream is to wake up with two women in bed. One saying ""good morning honey"" and the other ""good morning daddy""." +19189,0,What's Boba Fett's least favorite chemical? Toluene +19190,1,What does Fred Flintstone smoke in the middle East? An Abu Dhabi Doobie. +19191,1,What is the difference between light and hard? I can get to sleep with a light on. +19192,1,"Indian student... It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, ""Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said. 'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, September 15th, 2008'. " +19193,4,Why can't orphans play baseball? They dont know where home is. +19194,3,"When Beethoven passed away, [Long] He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, ""Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."" He listened a while longer, and said, ""There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."" So the magistrate kept listening; ""There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, ""My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.""" +19195,1,"What goes Black-White, Black-White, Black-White? A panda bear rolling down a hill." +19196,0,A lawyer dies and goes to hell Because that is where they belong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise +19197,0,"A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of coins The man asks the bartender what the jar of coins is for. The bartender tells the man that they have a horse in the stable out back, and if the man can make the horse laugh, he gets to keep the jar of coins which is full to the brim, but has to pay $1 for every attempt at making the horse laugh. The man decides to have a go and sure enough, leaves the stable with the horse laughing hysterically. He finishes his drink and takes the jar home with him. Fast forward a couple months, the man enters the bar again to see that the jar is full. He asks the bartender if he can have another go at making the horse laugh. The bartender says he can, but this time he has to make the horse cry. Again, the man enters the stable, and upon leaving, the bartender notices that the horse is crying. As the man picks up the jar of coins, the bartender asks - ""So how did you do it? No one has ever managed to achieve it!"" The man replies: ""Well you see, the first time i told the horse my penis was bigger than his"" ""The second time, I showed him.""" +19198,0,What's a pessimist's favorite fruit? Cantaloupe +19199,0,What do you call a cow with no legs? Fuckin' dead +19200,0,If Franklin Richards was upset at Susan Richards for not telling him she wanted a sex change and refusing to leave him alone Would he say he wanted a more transparent transparent trans-parent? +19201,8,Where do suicide bombers go after they die? Everywhere +19202,4,"Republicans are the true snowflakes. They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools. " +19203,0,"I tried to create an account on a website with my username being a boy that has autism from my favorite childhood TV show. It stopped me and said ""No special characters allowed in username.""" +19204,2,"An American and a Russian are talking The American says to the Russian, ""I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"" The Russian says, ""I can do that too."" ""You can?"" Replies the American ""Sure. I can march right up to the Senate building, walk right into the Presidential Cabinet, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'""" +19205,3,"A man was standing in front of his bathroom mirror shaving His young son came in the room and said: ""Dad, when I grow up I want to be just like you!"" The man puffed up his chest proudly and asked: ""Why's that son?"" His son replied: ""So I can have a son just like me""" +19206,0,"PSA: Doing wordplay all the time is not funny You know those people, that try to make wordplay at every opportunity they can get, no matter how serious the situation? Like, they think they are being clever. Those people can be such a pun in the ass." +19207,0,What do you call an Asian with one leg who works at IHOP? Irene +19208,2,An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico. It was an assassination attempt. +19209,6,I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in... Not the best way to find out what she does for a living. +19210,2,"I cried when one day when my dad decided to chop onions for dinner... I miss onions, he was a good dog." +19211,0,"Stupid People So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says **''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''**. I said, **''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''**." +19212,0,What's big and hard and gets a line job? A car. +19213,0,So there was this dysletic guy... Who walked into a bra. +19214,2,What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Going inside to ask for a coathanger. +19215,0,My ex-wife misses me. But her aim is getting better! +19216,1,Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.” +19217,1,"Lunchtime on the construction site and.... ...Dave says, ""Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"" ""It was weird!"", says Daryl. ""I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out ""FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side and the brick crashed to the ground right where she'd been standing!"" ""So what's the deal with the $50?"", one of the others asked. Daryl says, ""So I go down there to apologise, fully expecting to get an earfull from her and she gives me the fifty for saving her life!"" This gets the crew excited at the idea that maybe they could do this as a money maker and if they were careful, no one would get hurt! Then Larry pipes up, ""C-c-c-can I do-d-d-do the f-f-f-first wa-wa-wa-wa-one?"" The crew ums and awws and tries to give Larry a good reason why he shouldn't do it, but he's very insistent - ""P-p-p-p-please!"" Finally Dave says, ""OK Larry, but you have to be really, really careful!"" ""D-d-d-don't worry D-d-d-d-Dave, I wi-wi-wi-will!"" So they all gather around the edge on the 23rd floor and Larry is as good as his extended words. He takes a long time, carefully positioning the brick until he's absolutely ready. He takes a deep breath, releases the brick and yells, ""F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Fuck that must have hurt!""" +19218,3,"A man on his Harley.. ..was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ""Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."" The biker pulled over and said, ""Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."" God replied, ""Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."" The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ""God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."" God replied: ""You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"" 😀" +19219,0,What do a noose and an HDMI cable have in common? The cheapest ones do the job. +19220,1,If I wrote a book about menstruation... would it be called a period piece? +19221,1,"How do you get more milk out of a cow that won't listen? You whisper to them, but it still goes in one ear and out the udder." +19222,0,What do flat earthers and people who film vertically have in common? They don't use their turn signals when driving. +19223,0,Video exposes Libyan slave market auctioning off African immigrants It was their Black Friday sale +19224,0,What do you call a magic owl? Hoodini +19225,0,Why do Australians sleep so soundly? They have down under. +19226,1,"The Pythagorean Theorem, Newton's Third Law and Bernoulli's Principle walk into a bar. The bartender says, ""I'm not going to get this joke aren't I?""" +19227,0,My girlfriend asked me to treat her like a princess... so I got in a Mercedes and drove her into a wall. +19228,2,What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milkshake. +19229,1,What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common? Their last big hit was the wall... +19230,1,Do French people smoke weed? No they smoke oui’d. +19231,5,"If there are any idiots in the room, stand up... ...said the teacher. After a while, one student stood up. ""Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"" ""Well, actually I don't"" said the student, ""but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.""" +19232,1,Some say Boxing and Sex are the best Cardio I can't pick so I just do both at the same time +19233,2,the numbers on the front of my house keep falling off... Its definitely a problem that needs to be addressed. +19234,3,Girls look at me like I'm a steak And they're vegan +19235,0,If I had a dui for every time I drank and drive My license would still be revoked +19236,0,Why don't you use Instagram for memes? Because you've probably already reddit. +19237,1,I asked a chinese guy What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? He said Christopher Reeve +19238,3,What do Chernobyl policeman and a box of chocolates have in common? They’ll both kill your dog +19239,0,America becomes Canada. +19240,3,"*kermit voice* why can’t miss piggie count to 70? When she gets to 69, there’s a frog in her throat " +19241,1,You don't have to vaccinate all your children... ...vaccinate only those you want to keep. +19242,3,"Last week, I went to the local ginger convention There wasn’t a soul in sight" +19243,4,A cop pulled me over..... and said I was doing 70 in a 50 mph zone. I explained I was only trying to keep a safe distance from the car behind. +19244,1,*Looks in to mirrors* Wow! I like that one! And it's only $15. +19245,0,"Every animal goes through the stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, deppresion, etc.) except ants, for some reason." +19246,1,"Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says ""Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg says, ""No, but I knew where I was.""" +19247,3,"So an Irish man walks out of a bar... Hahaha I know, I couldn’t believe it either!" +19248,0,"In Hinduism, cows are sacred, are to be revered and certainly should not be eaten. However, the Christians eat Jesus' corpse. " +19249,5,"Check the freezer . . . Two men, waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second man. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first. “It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. And how did you die?” he asks the first man. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man. “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.” " +19250,0,What’s black and white and red all over? Russia-sponsored fake news. +19251,10,"A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ""I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: ""I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."" ""The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."" ""And what about the third rose?"" she asked. ""Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."" Re-EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes!! I had a huge number of messages claiming labia size is not connected to sexual activity, good news for y'all: You are right!! But for the record this is only a joke, I never said I was a doctor and this is not a scientific magazine. This controversial reminds me of the snowman's joke... https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/8q6jbr/i_made_a_snowman/ Happy and funny new year!!" +19252,1,"My friend, after defeating me in a game, said he's god. Joke's on him, I'm atheist." +19253,2,What do you call a cannibal that only eats braindead people? A vegetarian. +19254,1,"I almost got laid every day last week Yep, almost got laid on monday Almost on tuesday Almost on wednesday..." +19255,0,What happens when you throw a red hat into the black sea? It gets wet! +19256,0,I couldn't fall asleep and hence I started counting backwards from 0. Now I'm at -8300. +19257,2,"The real reason aliens won't visit our solar system We have the worst ratings, only one star ☀️" +19258,2,Who is Roald Dahl's favourite rapper? The Notorious B.F.G Note: This is my second attempt at spreading this joke +19259,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? Because that's where the Doc's Delorean was. +19260,0,I heard while in prison Anthony Weiner is gonna find Jesus. Soon he might be able to become a true Catholic priest. +19261,0,Did you hear how much Kim Kardashian's ass is insured for? $21 Million! Good thing Kayne can't damage it since he likes fish sticks. +19262,0,"Offensive Names of Colors Post your favorite inappropriate name for a color below. (I. E. Affirmative Action Black, Abortion Red, Autoerotic Asphyxiation Blue.)" +19263,1,I went to an unpopular drug seller. He told me I couldn't have any drugs cause he was out of stock. It wasn't a big deal. +19264,2,"A hunter tells an Inuit.. I'm so good, I've killed every penguin in the arctic. ""Piss off"" says the Inuit, ""Penguins are only found in the antarctic."" ""Well, they are now"" replies the hunter." +19265,0,What did the bannana say to the vibrator? What u shaking for? She is going to eat me +19266,1,I met a geologist the other day He seemed gneiss. +19267,4,"A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house... They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out. The biologist said: ""They must've reproduced!"" The physicist said: ""It must be a calculation error"" The mathematician said: ""If one more walks in, the house will be empty""" +19268,1,What's Ned Flanders favourite Pokemon Nidorino..... +19269,3,I’m putting my grades up for adoption. You know why? Because I can’t raise them. +19270,1,Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess slugs make? +19271,1,What's a stupid embryo? A common misconception +19272,1,What is the difference between a male priest and acne? Acne waits till 13 before coming on a boys face +19273,0,"What's the difference between yogurt and white people? If left out for 4,000 years, yogurt will develop culture." +19274,0,"You know the saying ""Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know what you're gonna get."" Well, from a dog's perspective it would be ""Life is like a box of chocolates, you're done with it when you finish eating the chocolates.""" +19275,4,What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both love to crack a cold one. +19276,2,"3 drunk men get into a taxi... 3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off. The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but to his horror, the cab driver saw the third man heading for the driver's side door, assuming the gig was up, the driver prepared to make a run for it. Before he could, the man reached in and slapped him twice, and said in a loud voice,""next time don't drive so fast!"". (Apologies if I butchered the joke)" +19277,0,"What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, the other says rub it rub it " +19278,1,What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair. +19279,0,"what did the blind grammar-nazi say to his old spanish friend, who greeted him with ""Long time, si?!"" ""Long time, no si.""" +19280,1,"Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks ""So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"" Liz replies ""Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind"". ""Social Security?"" Nina asked quizzically. ""Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on""" +19281,0,Why can you never trust Fishermen to help you? because they selfish +19282,2,What did Dorothy do to the mean Asian Munchkin? She swallowed the yellow prick's load. +19283,4,My girlfriend told me she needed some time and distance… I think she wants to calculate velocity… +19284,0,"You'd think my meme about an amphetamine fueled army run by an anti-semite tearing through the country side would have been really big on /r/historymemes... I forgot that present day Florida doesn't meet their ""20 year rule""" +19285,1,"My friend always says how he loves hippopotamuses, but he just made fun of a herd of them.... Why is he so hippocritical?" +19286,1,The orgy I organized was a complete disaster Nobody came. +19287,4,Did you hear Jussie Smollett got fired from ‘Empire?’ I heard he’s really beating himself up over it. +19288,0,What is Martin Luther King's last name? Boulevard. +19289,4,"A woman with blonde hair walks into an electronics store... And gestures over a store employee. ""I want to buy this TV."" She said. The store employee replies to her, ""I am sorry, ma'am. But we don't sell TV's to blondes. Store policy."" The woman is visibly upset, but formulates a plan. She goes home and she dyes her hair the most beautiful shade of chestnut brown. The next morning, she returns to the store, and says to the store employee, ""I want to buy this TV."" The employee says, ""I am sorry, ma'am. But we don't sell TV's to blondes. Store policy."" The woman is a little shocked but is determined. She goes back home and dyes her head a fiery shade of red. The next morning, she returns to the store and says to the store employee ""I want to buy this TV."" The employee replies, ""I am sorry, ma'am. But we don't sell TV's to blondes. Store policy."" The woman is livid now, but leaves the store. In her rage, she shaves all of her hair off, confident that if she had no hair at all, the store employee would surely not know. She returned to the store the next morning and said to the employee, ""I want to buy this TV."" The employee replied, ""I am sorry, ma'am. But we don't sell TV's to blondes. Store policy."" The woman explodes in anger, ""How do you know I am a blonde? I don't have any hair!"" The employee smirks a little and says ""Well ma'am, it's because that is a microwave.""" +19290,3,"A farmer was looking for a new rooster as his old one after many years of faithful service had finally passed on. When he told his neighbouring farmer about the problem he said ""I have just the rooster for you , but I have to warn you Ron is one horny goat of a rooster"". How horny can a rooster be the farmer said to himself. ""OK sure I'll buy him off you"". When the farmer got back to the farm with Ron the rooster he said to him ""OK Ron get to work"". Ron went into the chicken coop and fucked every chicken within an inch of its life. The farmer was flabbergasted. Ron then went into the stables and mounted the horses and proceeded to fuck them too. The farmer was shocked. He then turned his attention to the fields and fucked the hell out of every single cow. The farmer amazed thought wow I guess he really is a horny goat. The following morning the farmer didn't hear a rooster crow or even a peep from the animals. He went out and saw all the animals sleeping from their night of debauchery. Suddenly in the distance he saw buzzards circling in the sky, fearing the worst the farmer ran to the scene where the buzzards were and saw Ron lying dead and spread eagle in the middle of the field. ""Dammit Ron"" he said to himself. ""You've gone and fucked yourself to death"". Ron slowly opened one eye looked at the farmer and pointed to the buzzards and whispered ""Shhhhh they're about to land""" +19291,1,All South Korea needs to do... is drop some Samsung batteries on North Korea. +19292,2,What's the scandal when Tesla promises their cars can travel farther than they really can? Elongate +19293,3,What do you say to a japanese-mexican Konichijuan +19294,0,Check My Balance I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad... But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . She leaned over and pushed me! +19295,3,"With the election coming close, I trust Bill Clinton the most... He always picked someone other than Hillary, so I will too." +19296,0,I hate cacti They are huge pricks +19297,0,"Local blacksmith arrested for dealing meth out of the back of his shop I guess he who smelt it, also dealt it." +19298,2,"Farts are like kids... You love your own, but hate everyone else’s" +19299,3,"Someone broke into my house last night. They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo! Dirty Bastards" +19300,2,What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder? Parallel porking +19301,0,My girlfriend told me to be rough in bed... I told her to ride me like united airlines +19302,2,Why don't keyboards sleep? Because they have 2 shifts. +19303,1,How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Two. The real question is how do you get them inside the lightbulb. +19304,0,"The thing about fetishes, Is that they're just fucking weird." +19305,0,What would you call oranges if they were purple? Purples +19306,0,Why are Jews so funny? Because you better make the prison guard laugh. +19307,2,"Hard candy At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses. Inspector: - What is this pill?! - This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try? - Well, why not... Before the start of the race the coach tells his jockey: - To avoid any suspicions, stay in the middle until the last lap. At the end, you should be able to overtake everybody easily. If someone is about to overtake you, don't worry, it's either me or the inspector." +19308,5,"An Englishman walks into a bar... He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent. ""Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"" They all scream back in unison, ""WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"" ""Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?""" +19309,0,What else do you call children born in whore houses? Tater thots. +19310,1,What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game? I'll keep an eye out for you! +19311,2,Last night I lay in bed ...looking up at the beautiful stars shining in the night sky. And I thought to myself... Where the heck is the ceiling?!? +19312,1,I'm half Muslim I'm only entitled to 36 virgins +19313,0,You momma so fat that Her ass is still not on daylight savings time. +19314,0,"I guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he's drinking a man walks in and orders a beer next to him. The bartender replies, ""here you go, Jackass."" The man finishes the first beer and ask the bartender for another, again the bartender says, ""here you go Jackass."" After the man's third beer and the bartenders same reply I ask the man, ""why does he keep calling you Jackass?"" The man replies ""HEEAW HEEAW--ways calls me that."" " +19315,0,"What did the man say after his girlfriend dumped him at an Italian Restaurant? ""That's OK. Olive.""" +19316,0,Capitalization is the difference between being in special ed and being in special Ed. +19317,1,How is a kid failing science and an antivax parent related? One is just the evolution of the other. +19318,4,What's the lightest thing in the world? A Penis. Even a thought can raise it. +19319,1,"Y'all have heard of Joe's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce Now get ready for Joe's Thanksgiving And Abortion Store ""Where Yesterdays Baby is Today's Gravy!""" +19320,3,"Jerry was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. ""Nurse"" he mumbles ""are my testicles black?"" The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them sir."" Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: ""Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!""" +19321,2,"What psychosis do you have, if all you can think about is Chinese noodles? Mega-Lo-Mein-ia" +19322,0,How do you find an alive baby in a pile of dead babies? Jab 'em all with a pitchfork. +19323,1,I started a buisness selling mines disguised as prayer mats.. ...Prophets are going through the roof! +19324,2,Winning lotto A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!” - She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?” - Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!” +19325,10,"Best knock knock joke ever.. Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, ""Was I getting in or out of the bath?"" The 94 year old yells back, ""I don't know, I'll come up and see."" He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, ""Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, ""I sure hope I never get that forgetful."" He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, ""I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.""" +19326,0,"I don't know if you've heard this one There is a robbery in a house and the police arrive. The neighbour sees this and fearing being seen as a suspect decides to flee the scene. The police see him trying to flee and decide to take him in for questioning. Hours pass in the interrogation room with the neighbour being beaten to a plup but still telling them ""I don't know anything"". After awhile the neighbour gives up and tells them "" Alright I'll tell you the truth"". The police take up seats and start listening. The Neighbour: ""Go to the nearby train station and wait till the first train arrives but don't get on it. Wait till the second train arrives but don't get on it. Wait till the third train arrives but don't get on it. Wait till the fourth train arrives and don't get on the first passenger box. Do not get on the second passenger box. Do not get on the third passenger box. Get on the fourth passanger box and wait till the train arrives on the first stop but don't get out. Wait till the train arrives on the second stop but don't get out. Wait till the train arrives on the third stop but don't get out. Wait till the train arrives on the fourth stop and get out. Take a local cab to this street and look at the first four houses on the right. Do no go in the first house. Do not go in the second house. Do not go in the third house. Go in the fourth house and there will be four rooms. Do not go in the first room. Do not go in the second room. Do not go in the third room. Go incthe fourth room and you'll find a cupboard. Inside the cupboard on a shelf there's a photo of my dead mother. I swear on my dead mother's grave I don't know anything.""" +19327,4,"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside." +19328,2,"Why is ""The Art of the Deal"" such a long book? It has four Chapter 11's" +19329,3,"I had an idea for a movie plot. A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too." +19330,5,"The only B-word you should ever call a woman is Beautiful, because bitches love it when you call them Beautiful." +19331,4,How do you turn a fox into a cow? You marry it. +19332,1,"Elon Musk: Tesla cars now have full self driving capabilities. PornHub: ""Tinder date comes in me in a Tesla on autopilot""" +19333,1,What do you call Batman when he ditches church? Christian Bale +19334,2,"So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs? Congress" +19335,2,If 666 is evil Does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil? +19336,0,"My Friend Said I Was a ""Dumbass"" Today But, he's an idiot. I told him that that's not how you pronounce Dumas and that's not even my last name!" +19337,2,What would happen if we took all possible school shooters and put them in one school? Literally Fortnite +19338,2,A chemist and another man walks into the bar. Chemist: I would like a glass of H2O. Man: I would like a glass of H2O too. The man died. +19339,2,"There once lived a great detective... There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy. The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by thinking about the case and ejaculating in a special cup. By understanding the clues his semen gave him, he could instantly solve the case. One day Patrick, the legendary horse rider was suspiciously found dead after winning the championship. Stewart was called to solve the case. This was a tough one. After reaching the crime scene, Stewart excused himself to the washroom. No wonder he resorted to his trick which only he knew, and started to rub one out thinking about the case. The semen gathered in the cup to form the clues, like they always have. Stewart deciphered the clues and to his surprise, the body was a fake, and Patrick had been kidnapped. The kidnappers had laid out a brilliant plan to profit from Patrick through underground races but were eventually caught. The kidnappers were stunned. It was the perfect crime. They asked the detective. ""But.. but how?"" The detective replied: ""The real jock is always in the cum hints""" +19340,2,"Lucky night A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon. He wanders over to her and quietly asks, ""How much?"" The sex worker turns and says,"" sorry honey, but I am out of action. Bad case of warts."" Not to be put off, the guy thinks and says ""I'll pay double for anal."" The woman turns and says ""no can do. Collapsed colon and it only exports, no deliveries."" He thinks again, and lightens up as he jumps to his next question. ""What about a blowie?"" He asked. ""Nope. Mouth ulcers,"" she replies. Stumped he rolls his last chance. ""How about a handjob?"" ""Sorry hon. I have terrible dermatitis and my hands are all split."" Gutted, the young guy turns and is about to walk off when the hooker says,"" actually, there is one thing we can do, but it's a bit out there."" The guys spins around and quickly says,"" anything, I'll do anything just to be with you."" ""Okay,"" she says and leads him down a dark alley. She bends down in front of him and asks him,"" are you ready?"" ""Shit yeah,"" the guy replies, barely able to contain himself. And with that she moves her hand to her face AND POPS OUT A FALSE EYE! ""What the fuck!?!???"" The guy stammers. ""It's okay,"" the hooker says. ""Trust me, just pop your knob in."" Pants around his ankles, the guy looks around, sees no one and thinks ""fuck it. I'll give it a try."" He slides it in and it is the most magnificent feeling he has ever felt. He stands their for what feels like eternity before it all becomes to much and he pops his load. Panting and covered in a sheen of sweat, the guy looks down at the hooker and says,"" that was amazing. Can we do that again soon?"" She replies,"" Sure.... ""I'll keep an eye out for you.""" +19341,2,Why did the bee cross the road? None of your bizzzzness. +19342,2,What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa? Prom +19343,0,"I walked into an underemployed martial arts dojo today and offered my skills. In no time, I was HI-YA'd!" +19344,1,How do you enter a brothel in Westeros? Use a Hordor +19345,2,"How do you spell Canada with 3 letters? C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?" +19346,2,When life gives you Melons You have dislexia +19347,1,(Nerd joke warning) What do you call a pharmacy that *may* exist? An hypothecary +19348,2,Why did the golfer take two pairs of pants with him? Just in case he got a hole in one. +19349,1,How do you make a Duck sing? Cook it in the oven till it's Bill Withers +19350,6,I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises That woman blows my mind +19351,1,"As the conservative party faces criticism over renaming it's Twitter account to Fact Checker, Boris Johnson doubles down by more accurately renaming his own account Fact Hunt." +19352,0,What is the similarity between a Instagram refugee on Reddit and a quick idea that enters your mind? Both are Insta thots. +19353,1,I tried to make a joke about coins But it didn't make any cents +19354,0,I like my Coffee how I like my virginity Half and half with no cream +19355,3,Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes? Because jews only have 10 fingers +19356,0,Why was the mushroom the life of the party? Because he is a pretty fungi +19357,1,What was Bruce Lee's vegetarian brothers name? Brocco lee +19358,1,"I'm afraid i caught poetry.. Man 1: I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Man 2: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories. Man 1: Really? When? Man 2: Oh, once upon a time ..." +19359,8,"An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured... By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. ""We've decided to kill you,"" he began, ""and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."" The officer nods, and replies ""If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you."" They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head. Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same spiel. The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it. The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself. Finally, the chief visits the Ranger. He explains the situation. The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies ""A fork."" ""Excuse me?"" Says the chief. ""Bring me a fork."" The Ranger says Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork. Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork. All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman. ""What are you doing??!"" The chief asked ""That has got to be the *most* painful way to die!"" The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts ""FUCK YOUR CANOE!""" +19360,0,Dating Proverb If you laugh at your girl because she is a month late. She will laugh at you when she is two months late. +19361,0,Why would you ever want to approach a wild dinosaur? To jack it off. +19362,2,"Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies ""Yes I do!"" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies ""Oh I have a personal genie."" The first man asks ""Can I make a wish? "" Sure says the other man ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Ok I will"" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says "" I want a Million Bucks "" The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other "" Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"" The other man replies ""I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC""" +19363,4,"A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes. ""All blonde girls are dumb!"" yells a boy in the back. ""Sony!"" Yells the blonde girl in the front." +19364,0,"2Pac - Lyric King, Eazy - Gangsta King, Biggie: Flow King Dre: Beat King Eminem: Rhyme King, Lil Wayne & Jay - Z - ..... Burger King" +19365,3,"I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe Because I have two questions, Where did he come from, And where did he go!?" +19366,4,Did you hear about the neutron that was arrested yesterday? He wasn't charged tho +19367,1,I hate ghosts about jokes. They have no substance. +19368,2,What’s the difference between people and pizza? There’s no such thing as a person too hot to stick your dick in. +19369,0,"A driver is being booked by a traffic cop and the cop says ""What's your name, sir?"" and the motorist says ""John Smith"". The cop gives him a fishy look and says ""Is that your full name, sir?"" and when the motorist says ""No"" the cop says ""Then I need your full name - what is it?"" The motorist sighs and says ""Jonathan Terence Damn Blast And Bugger It Smith"" ...""and to save you asking, the vicar dropped the holy water spoon and it bent.""" +19370,4,Don’t ever give up on your dreams Keep sleeping. +19371,2,What is worse than a bug in an apple? holocaust +19372,2,I'm like a jumbo kosher pickle Guess you could say I'm a pretty big dill. +19373,2,"A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar. A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar at the airport when the logger says, ""I fall timber, the most dangerous job in the world. I'm a faller, I'm a bucker, I'm a mean motherfucker."" Then the fisherman says, ""I'm an Alaska king crabber which is the second most dangerous job in the world. We're so tough we use navy seals as bait."" About that time some guy comes staggering up to them, ""Oh yeah, well I've got the third most dangerous job in the world and I'm taking you both with me when I go."" The logger and fisherman skeptically look this fella and ask, ""Who the hell are you?"" The guy slurs, ""I'm your pilot."" " +19374,1,"Neutral A woman goes shoe shopping and discovers that all of the mainstream brands are out of stock. She yells and complains to the manager until a customer throws an orange at her. At this, the woman miraculously calms down and immediately leaves the store. Dumbfounded, the manager asks the customer how she did it. ""Well,"" she says, ""Everyone knows that acid fruit can neutralize a basic bitch!""" +19375,0,"Governments as Condoms because condoms accurately reflect the Governments’ political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed." +19376,0,"How do you know when Donald Trump is lying? His lips move. I guess I should have said ""wavers"" or ""walk back"" which I presume is don't sue me speak for lie. http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/15/politics/donald-trump-legal-fees-supporters/index.html EDIT: a bonus quote: ""Most forms of private vice and public evil are kindled and sustained by lies. Acts of adultery and other personal betrayals, financial fraud, government corruption—even murder and genocide—generally require an additional moral defect: a willingness to lie."" - Sam Harris " +19377,1,"I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st.. I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place" +19378,1,"Plane Crash Three men survive a plane crash in the snowy mountains. There is no way to escape. Their only hope is to survive until rescue arrives. After a few weeks they come to the realization without food they are going to die. So they decide they are going to have to eat one of them so the others may survive. So they discuss who should be eaten, and give their best arguments. The first guy says, “You can’t eat me, I have a wife and kids. I am also mostly skin and bones at this point. I think we should eat the fat guy, the remaining two could survive longer on his body than either of us.” The second guy says, “Well you can’t eat me, I run the only nonprofit that helps special needs children in my county. I also do a lot of volunteer work and community service. And I also agree we should eat the fat guy.” The fat guy says, “Well you can’t eat me, I use to be a women.” The first guy says, “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” The second guys says, “Well that changes everything. I guess we are going to have to eat the first guy.” First guy, “Why the fuck do you have to eat me instead of him?” Second guy, “Because Trans Fats are bad for your health.”" +19379,0,I'd tell a millennial joke.... But they just don't work +19380,1,Porn is a lot like school Its better when the mass shootings happen on kids. +19381,1,"A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks: “Why the long face?” The man slowly sits down after another weary day of work. Tired, and bored of the question he hears daily. He sighs, before answering “This is the thousandth time I have told told you. I feel like my life is a joke, and then continually retold to others and laughed at.” “Funny,” the bartender paused, “I could’ve sworn the joke should be reposted differently.”" +19382,0,Where is the best place to die? The living room. +19383,0,Young potato What do you call a potato graduate? A tator-tot +19384,1,"A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, ""I slept with a Brazilian...."" The blonde replies, ""Oh my God! You slut! How many is a *brazilian*?""" +19385,4,Exes are like chocolate. They'll kill your dog. +19386,0,I once worked in a Chinese restaurant and I got in trouble... I had to report to Hunan Resources. +19387,0,What Kind of Potato Does a Rastafarian Want To Be? A 'baked' potato +19388,2,"The Hunting accident While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin. Rushed to hospital , he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home, the surgeon wanders over and hands him a business card. 'This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.' The guy is shocked. 'But it says here that he's a professional flute player,' he says. 'How can he help me?' The doctor smiles. 'Well,' he says, ' he's going to show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'" +19389,4,My Chinese buddy died last week... So Yung. +19390,2,Larry sued Mary after she banned him from using the printer It was a matter of copyright. +19391,1,Why does pillsbury doughboy hate being in water? because hes dunkin dough nuts! +19392,0,How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger? One if no one is watching. +19393,3,"My dad sat me down and told me I was adopted... ""Pack your bag"", he said. ""They'll be here in thirty minutes.""" +19394,0,Yo momma is so fat... That when she was at the water park and bent over to pick up her sun glasses people started lining up for the ‘Black Hole’ +19395,2,What do you say when you are out of protein? No whey! +19396,0,Why did the Chinese guy put his whole family on a diet Because they had too many Chins +19397,0,"I just got elected to the highest position in the national association of substitute teachers Interim Chair. Unfortunately, I can't make it to the conference, someone will have to fill in for me. I'll e-mail them the next day and ask, ""Did I miss anything?""" +19398,6,"Her: ""Undress me with your words."" Him: ""There's a spider in your bra.""" +19399,0,You would've thought Elton John would have better fashion sense... Seeing as he spent so much time in the closet +19400,1,"Having Sex is like playing Bridge If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand" +19401,2,"An Irish guy, an Italian guy, and an Asian guy walk on to a construction site. The foreman looks at the three of them, he handed the bigger stockier Irish and Italian gentlemen shovels and said you guys will be digging. He looked at the smaller more scrawny Asian guy and said you will be in charge of supplies. The foreman returns hours later, the workers are just sitting around doing nothing. What is going on here! he demanded to know. The Irish guy and Italian guy said that their shovels had broken. The foreman demanded to know where the Asian man went, no one had seen him since this morning. They all started looking for the Asian man, but he didn't seem to be anywhere. They started to get concerned, construction sites can be dangerous, what if something had happened to him? They eventually despairingly gave up hope, the Asian man was no where to be found. Right at that second the Asian man jumped out from behind a building and yelled supplies!!" +19402,2,Why can't the orphan play baseball? Because he can't find home! +19403,6,"A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane... A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.” The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”" +19404,2,I love the way the earth rotates. It really makes my day. +19405,0,What kind of breasts are the most important? Priorititties +19406,2,Most avid climbers agree that small mountains are jokes. They think they're just hill areas. +19407,0,Good news everyone! I've created a device that allows you to hear my voice when you read this! Signed Professor Hubert Farnsworth +19408,8,"Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby. A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ""Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."" She replies, ""if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99." +19409,3,I like my women how I like my coffee beans... thrown in a burlap sack and transported halfway across South America +19410,0,Guess this movie: anti-social boy learns to shoot white stuff when he shakes his hand in certain positions and saves the day. Spider man +19411,0,The store had 50% off on orange juice. I guess you could say it was rejuiced. +19412,0,What do you call someone who has sex with a garden hose? Kinky. +19413,2,"I listened to a cover of ""Pony"" the other day. It was good and all, but it just wasn't Genuwine." +19414,0,What do you call a dog that only eats seaweed? A kelpie +19415,1,I had a very expensive amputation. It cost me an arm and a leg. +19416,6,A man threw milk at me today How fucking dairy +19417,0,I caught my girlfriend masturbating during her period I caught her red-handed +19418,0,YouTube rewind was like the first time I had sex With a lot of people I didn’t know and not what I wanted +19419,1,I had a dream where I came up with a new color But it was all just a pigment of my imagination +19420,2,"A couple of newlyweds were driving down the countryside... And after some time, they noticed a couple of pigs resting in a field nearby. The wife said: ""Look honey, your family! Haha"". And the guy replied: ""Oh my, yeah, those are my in-laws""." +19421,4,"I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!" +19422,0,Necrophiliacs must be turned on all the time. They've always got a skeleton inside them. +19423,1,Why do Christian Priests never have backup strategies when it comes to emergency scenarios? Because they're not fans of Plan B. +19424,2,"I was in the strip club watching one of the women on the pole. I leaned forward and shouted, ""Mind if I have a dance?"" ""Oh, honey, no problem,"" she smiled. ""Thanks,"" I said, ripping off my shirt. ""Move over then, it's my turn.""" +19425,3,"All the old farmer wanted to do was make his wife happy. An old farmer came from riches, but he truly loved his wife. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his money and would do anything to have it all for herself. She complained about how much effort it took to plant, water, and grow the vegetables. So the old farmer built the strongest dam, and used canals to irrigate the farmland. He built magnificent bridges by hand, and dedicated them all to his wife. While he was working, the wife planned to release the dam and wash the old farmer away. She broke the dam, flooded the valley, and it washed away the entire farm. Unfortunately for her, she was swept away by the rush of the water, along with the house, barn, and all of the animals too. All that remained was the old farmer, who watched from atop a bridge, while his entire livelihood trickled down the river into the horizon. A reporter was on the scene shortly after, to ask the old farmer about what happened. The reporter asked how the old farmer felt knowing his wife tried killing him and, inadvertently, washing away everything he’d known and loved. The old farmer simply replied, “It’s all water under the bridge”" +19426,0,What do they give to the number 1 spinal surgeon each year? The Lumbar-dy Trophy +19427,0,The owner of a ginger tabby.... The owner of a ginger tabby was sitting in a pet groomers shop eating a bag of carrots. After he was done he went to the doctor and then to a lawyer. why? His scat was orange and his cat was not. +19428,1,It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species They've got an extreme choking problem. +19429,2,"The Fallout games are the most unrealistic games I've ever played. I mean, how is there no Skyrim remastered for the Pip-Boy? 5/7 unplayable." +19430,0,Whats the difference between a snow man and a snow woman? Snow balls +19431,0,"What do you call the thing which slowly moves from left to right, trying to cut batman while he is all tied up? Heath ledger." +19432,3,I burnt my hawaiian pizza today. I should have cooked it on aloha setting. +19433,1,"My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson... I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day. The lesson? iPhones come form child labour." +19434,4,"Old Woman and Cowboy An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat. She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. as she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger (cowboy) stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying “hey” old woman have you ever danced” The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no, I never did dance… never really wanted to.” A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet. The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off -started hopping around. everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. the crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. the silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass? The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no maam… but… i’ve always wanted to.” " +19435,0,"Son: Dad, im the best in my class. In fact, im the only one brave enough to answer one of my teacher's question. Dad: And what is that question? Son: My teacher asked who didnt do their homework" +19436,3,What do you call security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy +19437,0,What does someone need to do in order to become a south-of-the-border lawyer? Pass the taco bar. +19438,1,"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun. Get in the van." +19439,0,"What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you? A pool table" +19440,0,"Why did O.J. Simpson wear a brand new suit to his vasectomy appointment? ""If I'm gonna Be impotent, I wanna LOOK impotent."" [edit: sorry this is an old one but some may not have heard it]" +19441,0,So I heard the workers in the Twin Towers tried to have chocolate delivered to them by drone. Asking for an Air Kraft wasn't one of their better ideas. +19442,0,Trump exposed that there's still a lot of hatred on the Orange Americans. +19443,0,"Jim The Walnut Jim the Walnut was at school when he saw Sally the Walnut. He told his friend, “I’m going to ask Sally out for prom.” He went up to Sally, but he was embarrassed and headed to Second Period. The next day he went up to Sally again. She was talking to her friends, and didn’t want to interrupt, so he left. The next day was the day before prom. Jim told himself that if he didn’t ask Sally out today he would be too late. Jim went up to Sally and asked her if she wanted to go to prom. Sally said, “Sorry Jim, I’m already going with Gabe the Walnut.” Jim was sad, but he decided to still go to the prom. At the prom Jim was having fun, but still disappointed Sally had rejected him. Then, he saw Sally in the corner of the room crying. He ran over to her and asked what was wrong. “Gabe left me for Jennifer the Walnut,” she said. Jim knew this was his chance, so he asked Sally if she would like to go out with him instead. Sally was angry, but said, “If you get me drink I will think about it.” Jim went around looking for a drink. He saw a water fountain, but the line was so long. He saw a soda machine, but even more people were in that line. Jim was about to lose hope, but he noticed, there was no punch line." +19444,5,I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it. +19445,4,Steve Irwin died how he lived. With animals in his heart. +19446,1,Do twins have the same size penis? It's a valid question. I'm sleeping with one and really hope the other brother is doing better +19447,0,Why was six scared of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender. +19448,0,There is no I in team But there is me in awesome +19449,0,"Eveyone was preparing to shoot the most expensive scene in the movie The technicians were lighting the set, The safety personnel were standing by, The actors were in their makeup. Everything was ready. Meanwhile, in the back, one of the producers was talking to the main actor's trainer. He noted that the trainer had a heavy French accent. So he questioned him, ""Beg my pardon, but, do you happen to be French?"" The trainer happily replied, ""Yes sir, I am French. I was born in Nice, and have always pursued my passion for helping other people."" The producer received a solemn, yet pompous answer. He then noticed some grey hair on the trainer, identifying him somewhere between 40 and 50 years of age. He questions the trainer again. ""Excuse me once more, but I would like to ask if—"" ""I'm sorry sir, but the scene is about to begin."" ""Of course, trainer."" As the trainer begins heading for the set he yells at the actors, ""Never one step back in this whole scene!"" The producer was perplexed by this. He questioned the trainer why he would say something like that. ""Because, sir, the last time I took a step back, I got knocked out, and was out of action for four years!""" +19450,0,A basejumper breaks a new record! He reaches his 30th birthday +19451,2,"A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher. She brags at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walks up, confronts her by the bar, plots down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffs the bill in her pocket and says “thanks” and walks away." +19452,3,It was so quiet at the High CPU party. You could hear a ping drop. +19453,3,Why are there so many unsolved murders in Alabama? Because there are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA. +19454,3,"Two cannibals are eating Jeff Dunham. One turns to the other and says ""does this taste funny?"" The other cannibal says ""No"". " +19455,0,How should a feudal lord deal with it when the serfs rise up? Hang ten. +19456,3,Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. +19457,2,"If Elon Musk discovered an alien, started dating it, and then unceremoniously broke up with it Would it be his Space Ex?" +19458,1,I'm a fairy. My name's Nuff. Fair enough. +19459,0,Bad at spelling? Don't worry... You'll forget how to spell Dementia by the time it sets in! +19460,2,Why did the shepherd sleep on the job? Because he was busy counting sheep. +19461,1,What did the dessert do after filing for divorce? She took custardy of the kids. +19462,2,"Why major in philosophy? Why major in philosophy? - can be smug after only 2-3 classes - only major where you finish knowing less than when you started - generally better beards than psychology - can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?" +19463,0,Why did the pirate store their loot in an arid area? Because desert tends to make the booty larger. +19464,2,Get all the protein you can before you die because there's no whey in Hell +19465,6,"A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ""So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."" The priest replies, ""I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."" The rabbi continues, ""And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."" Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, ""Aren't you having any?"" The rabbi replies, ""No...I think I'll wait for the police" +19466,0,What do you call a Bee that lives in America? USB +19467,2,How are a horrible pun and paper the same? They are both terrible +19468,0,Do you know why jokes about blondes are so short? So that blondes themselves could follow the plot +19469,0,Never trust an atom... ...they make up everything. +19470,3,A man calls up White House & says: *I want to be the next* *PRESIDENT of USA*. Operator: Are you an *idiot?* Man: Is it *compulsory?* +19471,3,What do you call the meat on your lower leg? Bologna +19472,3,"A man walks into a bar and it's empty except for the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, ""Psst...I like your tie."" The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. ""Psst....that color looks nice on you."" He asks the bartender, ""Excuse me, but.....are you speaking to me?"" The bartender rolls his eyes and says,""No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts.....they're complimentary.""" +19473,2,What's the best way to quit Thanksgiving? Cold turkey +19474,0,Yo Daddy's so stupid.... He wears a G string backwards +19475,1,"A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, Interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow Disease... Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what Causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea? The farmer said, ""Do you know that a Bull Screws a Cow only once a year?"" Lady : (embarrassed) ""Well, that's a piece of valuable info,but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"" Farmer: ""Well Madam, do you know that we milk the Cow twice a day?"" Lady: (blushes) Sir, this is really great info, but what about the Mad Cow Disease ? Farmer (staring at her big tits): ""I am getting to the point Maam. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day, and Screwing you only once a year, wouldn't you get MAD ??" +19476,0,Redditor goes out and gets Chinese. Guess what he ordered? The poo-poo platter. +19477,0,Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 for a lentil on my face! +19478,0,My penis is really into conspiracy theories It thinks everything is an inside job +19479,0,"A woman had a 15 year old son named James. Now James was really into nu metal. He would beg his mother to let him go to concerts, but every time he was told that it was too dangerous for him to be there by himself. Finally, she gave in when he turned 15, and agreed to drive him to the concert. As they were driving, the woman noticed a deer on the side of the road. She noticed it was a fawn and likely orphaned, and being a wildlife enthusiast she decided to take them home, forcing James to miss the concert. Now James was really angry about missing the show. He would yell at his mom, but she was more focused on nursing the deer. In a fit of rage, he began to fling all his nu metal CDs, watching as the cases smashed one by one. Around that time, the woman's husband came home, and noticing the commotion, asked his wife what had happened. She responded, ""Jimmy cracked Korn, and I doe care.""" +19480,2,What do you call a detective in the real estate business? Sherlock Homes +19481,0,Have you heard? Have you heard of the Arkadian Genocide? Exactly. +19482,2,I electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet. Number 2 will shock them. +19483,3,"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ""Once upon a time ..."" A southern fairytale begins ""Y'all ain't gonna believe this ...""" +19484,2,When do jokes become dad jokes? When they become apparent. +19485,3,"My first girlfriend gave me a picture she drew with the words ""you're my angle."" It might have just been because she was dyslexic but I thought it was acute." +19486,2,Is it solipsistic in here... ...or is it just me? +19487,0,How did the shelf stocker feel after being assigned additional work? More rows! +19488,1,"Hitler, one out of ten how much does your art suck? NEIN!!!" +19489,7,"Four Men Went Golfing... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. --- The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" --- The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" --- The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, ""My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."" --- The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, ""We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"" The fourth man replied, ""Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.""" +19490,3,"My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese. Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else." +19491,2,"Wrong email address A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. " +19492,1,"A french gymnast is getting ready to perform... His coach walks up and says, ""Break a leg!""" +19493,1,"I was sitting in my room just thinking about my life, when I started wondering how things got to be so dark. Then I realized I forgot to pay the electric bill." +19494,6,I didn’t know what to wear to my first Masturbaters Anonymous meeting the other day... So I just came in my pants +19495,0,"A liberal died and went to heaven He asked God, ""God, why didn't you send down a man to cure cancer?"" God replied: ""I did, but you aborted him"" " +19496,7,"Haven't seen this one here yet **How to install a southern home security system** 1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine. 2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines. 3. Leave a note on the door that reads: Bubba, Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back. -Cooter" +19497,8,"On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, ""I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."" ""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"" ""Tiger Woods, the golfer."" ""Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."" The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. ""What are you doing?"" asks the wife. ""I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."" ""Tiger wouldn't do that."" ""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"" ""He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."" The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. ""What are you doing now?"" she asks. ""I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."" ""Tiger wouldn't do that."" ""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"" ""He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."" The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, ""Are you calling room service?"" ""No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!""" +19498,2,My doctor diagnosed me with Anxiety and Constipation... I’m worried shitless +19499,1,What Football (soccer) Cup does Super Mario compete in? Koopa Italia +19500,0,Why did all the ladies love Jesus? (Imagine a man with his arms extended out to the sides) Because he was hung like THIS! +19501,5,I've been meaning to make more friends recently... So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while. +19502,0,My brother and I drunkenly told this joke. My brother: “I’ve got to pee like a motherfucker.” Me: “So you’ve got to Oedipus.” +19503,6,"How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask? He claims to be your father. Edit: it's just a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard." +19504,0,"Patient: “Doctor, Doctor! It hurts when I’m in pain!” Doctor: “No shit.”" +19505,0,"Eminem and John Lennon enter in a bar The Real Slim Shady says: ""I thought you were dead."" ""I'm not John Lennon. My name is Kevin and I'm a real state agent."" Kevin replied. ""Oh my God I'm sorry."" An embarrassed Eminem says. ""I get this a lot, that's fine."" - Kevin said and the both follow their lives never crossing paths again. " +19506,0,How do you make a baby cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on its Teddy bear. +19507,0,I've always wondered why people never hit me when I was in an argument... Then I realised that nobody likes to touch trash. +19508,1,"Your in a cucumber right now. The longer you wait, the more of a pickle its going to be." +19509,3,"A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. ""What are you doing?"" she asked. ""I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work,"" the daughter-in-law answered. ""But you're naked!"" the mother-in-law exclaimed. ""This is my love dress,"" the daughter-in-law explained. ""Love dress? But you're naked!"" ""Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."" The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. ""What are you doing?"" he asked. ""This is my love dress,"" she replied. ""Needs ironing,"" he says"" ""What's for dinner?""" +19510,0,What do you call an idiotic PopTart? Poptarted +19511,1,"My lifting buddy was shocked when I told him that we were out of protein powder. He said ""No whey!"" I'll be here all night." +19512,0,A panda walks in to a restaurant The panda orders his meal And he eats it The waiter comes back and hands him the check and walks away When the waiter returns to gather the money the check book is empty When he looks up at the panda he feels a sharp pain in his chest He looks down to see a bullet hole where his left lung should be He looks up to see the panda with a gun in his hands then the waiter dies Another waiter heard the shot and stops the panda on his way out He ask the panda why he shot his co-worker The panda responds “look up panda in the dictionary and you’ll see why” And with that the panda leaves So the second waiter goes home and opens his dictionary to the word panda And sure in enough it states: Panda: eats shoots and leaves +19513,0,What’s the hardest shape to get out of? The trap-azoid +19514,0,2016 Actually I'm not telling the joke because it was so last year. +19515,4,"My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday Then he said ""Don't spend it in one place.""" +19516,0,"The owner of a grocery store walks by a pet shop. He sees a parrot in the front window and thinks to himself that it would be a great addition to his store. After setting up the bird's cage near the entrance he goes about running the store. After a while a woman walks in and admires the parrot. The parrot looks right back at the lady and squawks, ""Ugly! Ugly."" Highly offended the woman storms off and tells the owner, ""Sir, your parrot just insulted me!"" The manager apologizes and goes to the bird and says, ""Now, look here bird. I can't have you offending my customers."" The parrot squawks, ""Sorry! Sorry!"" And they leave it at that. A week later the same woman comes back to the store and gives the bird a glance. Without missing a beat the parrot squawks, ""Ugly! Ugly!"" The woman storms off straight to the owner and says, Sir! This is the second time your bird has insulted me!"" Angry, the owner walks over to the parrot and says, ""Alright bird, if you can't stop insulting my customers I'm going to have to stick you in the broom closet."" Dejected, the bird squawks, ""Sorry! Sorry!"" The owner once again apologizes to the woman and they go on their way. Another week passes and the lady returns to do her shopping. When she enters the store she again looks at the parrot. The parrot looks back at the lady and stares for second before it squawks, ""You know! You know!"" " +19517,2,"What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked. What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter. " +19518,2,What did socialists use before candles? Electricity. +19519,0,"Jan 2017: Reince Prebus, Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner are in the Oval Office making their pitches to get the Chief of Staff job... Reince Prebus: ""As RNC chair I helped get you elected and we also delivered solid majorities in both the House and Senate to you, ready to pass your amazing agenda! I deserve the job!"" Steve Bannon: ""Your campaign was going down the tubes until I replaced Lewandowski, turned it around and now you are President! I deserve the job!"" Jared Kushner: ""Bringin in the Russians was all me! I deserve the job!"" Trump: ""I've gotta go with my instincts, I have the best instincts. Reince, Steve, you're fired.""" +19520,1,"I once went to a buffet party. I once went to a buffet party hosted at work. All the food was arranged on a table. The first item was a Kebab appetizer. There was a note that said ""Take one, God is watching"". I took one but was perplexed. When I reached the end of the table there were chips heaped up and a note said ""Take as much as you want, God is watching the Kebabs""." +19521,2,Do you want to hear a joke about sodium bromide? NaBrO +19522,1,I hate it when I get an erection during a prostate exam and then they find out I'm not a real doctor. +19523,1,What did the girlfriend say to her midget boyfriend? Go up on me +19524,3,I like my coffee like I like my women without pubic hair +19525,4,Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them. +19526,0,"Most people like to eat an ice cream cone when it’s warm outside. In Soviet Russia, ice cream warms YOU!" +19527,1,"If every human on the planet participated in a race, who will come in first and second? Adam and Eve" +19528,2,"A driver does a rolling stop at a STOP sign A police officer happens to be there and pulls the driver over. The officer goes up to the car and asks the driver if he knows why he has been pulled over. The driver responds ""No"" with confusion. The officer states that the driver stop at the intersection. ""But I slowed down..."" says the driver. The officer then kindly asks the driver to step out of the vehicle, to which the driver complies with no hesitation. Suddenly, the cop whips out his batton and begins to mercilessly beat the citizen repeatedly. ""PLEASE! NO! STOP! STOP!"" yells the driver, begging for his life. At that point, the officer looks at the driver and says ""I guess I'll just slow down"". " +19529,4,"Fuck and Weight loss A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper ""Lose 5kg in a week"". He called the company & lady said ""be ready tomorrow at 6am."" The next morning he opened the door & found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying ""you catch me, you fuck me"" & the girl started running. He started chasing but didn't catch her. During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't. However he lost 5 kg. He then asked for the 10kg program. Next morning at 6 am he opened the door & saw an even more beautiful girl in bikini saying ""you catch me, you fuck me"". He lost 10kg that week. So he thought this program was awesome! And decided to try the 25kg. So he asked for the 25kg but the lady said ""are you sure? its really tough"" he said ""YES"" Next day at 6 am he opened the door, he found a huge guy saying ""If I catch you, i fuck you""" +19530,1,"A grizzly bear goes into a bar by and says to the bartender,""Give me a gin and .................................tonic"" The bartender says,""Sure buddy,but why the big paws?""" +19531,0,Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke The semi is now known as Optimus Prime +19532,0,"The Sideshow Magician A magician is performing at a fair in the deep country. He says ""For my next trick, I need the biggest, strongest person in the audience."" An enormous man, 6'10"" and about 350 pounds of pure muscle steps up to the stage. The magician looks him up and down and says ""Take this sledgehammer and, when I put my head on this block, I want you to hit it as hard as you can."" The giant looks puzzled, but figures that it is a trick and bashes the magician as hard as he can.... 10 years later, the magician wakes from his coma, sits straight up in the bed and yells ""TA DAAAAA!"" " +19533,0,How do you get the emo out of the tree? Cut the rope. +19534,3,Happy Alentine's Ay To those of you who won't be getting the V or the D today. +19535,0,What are a gorilla's favorite months? Ape-ril and Bananuary +19536,0,"I'm shocked France won the world cup, They usually just give up and surrender." +19537,0,What was Hitler's Favorite Letter? Not Z. +19538,0,What do you call Irish fruit punch? A barfight in a gaybar +19539,0,"ONLY UN VACCINATED PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO UPVOTE THIS just joking, they are all dead..." +19540,3,"A Jew walks into a church during services, and begins to pray He puts on his tallis (a Jewish garb for praying), takes out a prayerbook, and recites the beginning of the traditional service. A clergyman notices the Jew, and, bewildered, says, ""Will all non-christians please leave."" The Jewish man just continues his prayer, not paying any attention to the clergyman. Taken aback, the clergyman repeats his sentence with a more commanding tone: ""Will all non-christians please leave."" The Jew continues to daven, agitating the clergyman. Getting extremely impatient, he walks right up to the Jew and says, ""Will all *Jews* please leave."" The Jew concedes and says, ""Alright, alright, I'll leave. Just let me pack up."" He takes off his tallis, puts away his prayerbook, and walks up to two small statues of Jesus and Mary. Picking up the two statues he says, ""It's time to go bubellah, they don't want us here anymore,"" and exits the building." +19541,5,"A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, ""What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"" The man in the car says ""I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."" The clerk ponders a bit then says, ""You should take them to the zoo."" ""Hey, that's a good idea,"" says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. ""Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."" ""Oh, I did,"" says the driver, ""And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach.""" +19542,3,"Marriage joke A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, ""Why do you look so excited?"" The groom replies, ""I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."" The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, ""Why do you look so excited?"" The bride replies, ""I just gave the last blow job of my entire life.""" +19543,1,"Hey, it's not a life sentence!!! A bride tells her husband, ""Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"" ""Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."" And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, ""Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."" Turning on his side, he smiles and says, ""Then we will have to re-imprison him."" After the second time, the bride says, ""Honey, the prisoner is out again!"" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, ""Honey, the prisoner escaped again,"" to which the husband yelled, ""Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"" " +19544,0,New iWoman doesn't have a vagina But you can still fuck her while she is not charging +19545,1,"Donald: ""Siri..uh.."" 'Yes?' ""Just checking.""" +19546,9,"A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat... As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.   “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”   The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”   The man said, “Yes, that’s the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”" +19547,2,What do you call a party with no white people Crackalackin' +19548,0,How do priests die? Organ failure +19549,0,"Super Pope One day, we found that we had a new superhero. Super Pope, with the power to make criminals and heretics alike feel crushing guilt so that they simply go to confession and turn the selves in. He kept us safe and pious for many years, but one year he left. All he could tell is that he was leaving, ""because my papal needs me."" " +19550,1,"You wanna know how many dollars it would take to purchase an entire city for yourself? Before I tell you the price, you must remember that making such a purchase requires a lot of patience and perseverance. It's about ten a city." +19551,1,"Instead of being buried or cremated, I’ve arranged to be liquidized. I’m not going to a funeral if I can’t get drunk." +19552,0,"A man on a suit and his wife enter a bar The man ask for two shots of tequila and tells the barman ""I just had the best sex ever with my wife on the car outside and really want to celebrate"". The bar man looks at him and says ""Your wife looks like she just got her brains fucked the shit out"". The man answers"" She sure did. We are going to head back before people realise we snuck out of the funeral. Hope they don't notice. """ +19553,0,"Ultimate boomer joke Since boomers equate being called as such to the n word...they are going to start calling each booma, and getting very angry if anyone uses the hard R" +19554,0,"The Kings asks anyone if anyone of his citizens can tell him exactly how many ravens are within the boundary of his city The Kings asks anyone if anyone of his citizens can tell him exactly how many ravens are within the boundary of his city No body steps up to the task, except for one of the smartest men in the city. He sets up an extremely complex measuring system to measure how many birds are born in a breeding cycle, how many birds migrate south, the total density of birds to square mile, etc. After working on the problem for years he sadly walks up to the palace steps and admits to the king that the question is far to complex to be solved by mortal minds. The king is enraged, but before he has a chance to wreak havoc on the man, the kings joker pipes up. ""Your highness, i know exactly how many birds are in your kingdoms premise, Exactly 3,476"". ""And how can you prove that?"" The king asked. ""Well its simple, have your men go and count them, if there are any less, then it means that they went away to visit family, and if there are any more, then that means their family came to visit them""" +19555,3,What do feminists use for birth control? Their personality. +19556,2,What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile. +19557,2,"What would have Buzz Aldrin, the second man to get to the moon, said when he reached there? Neil before me." +19558,4,"John is a great painter. He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up. She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened. The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are lucky! At home, that idiot drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET. He is the reason am in the hospital.'" +19559,1,"Blind uncle in the antique shop I took my elderly uncle Albert, who has recently lost his sight, to our local antique shop yesterday in order to find some antiques to decorate his new home. Being a widower, his service dog Bert has been a fantastic companion for him over the past few months. We entered the shop and all of a sudden, Bert was being swung around Albert’s head like a lasso, smashing crockery, figurines, collectibles, you name it. I screamed: “Al, what the hell do you think you’re doing!?” He replied: “Just having a look around.”" +19560,1,"If the main character of ""The Walking Dead "" spared every human, would he be called... ... Pacifist Rick ?" +19561,0,"If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, does a hard sleeper sleep... with the window open?" +19562,4,"I had this horrible nightmare last night! It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush! That's when I woke up and realized, it was just a fanta-sea" +19563,1,"To kill two birds with one stone, One must first get all their ducks in a row. " +19564,1,"Monday - Greg, Tuesday - r/Jokes, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - r/Jokes, Friday - Greg, Saturday - r/Jokes, Sunday - Greg the Gregorreposts calendar" +19565,0,"The Horribly Bright Artificial Light! Are you late to work a lot? Are you tired of waking up and its night again? Or how about being tired of sleeping at all? Well we have the product for you, the Horribly Bright Artificial Light! One flick of a switch, and you're in so much blinding pain, you'll never sleep again! Imagine, getting to work on time for a whole week! Or how about working on those pesky school assignments. You think your kid is lazy? No problem! The Horribly Bright Artificial Light installs with three simple steps! Step one, Set up the base of the light! Just take three individually manned forklifts and move it into the room of your choice! Then, secure it to the ground with four 36 inch railroad spikes, repurposed from the local abandoned train station! Step two, Install the Light Bulb! Use four construction site cranes (With a lifting capability of at least four tons) and attach them to the holding points on the fourty seven hundred watt patented Horribly Bright Artificial Light Bulb! Insert into the base, then twist until firmly in place! Don't twist too far though, or you'll break the bulb! Step three, Secure a line into your city's local power grid! The Horribly Bright Artificial Light draws a lot of power, so you better be safe than sorry! After that, you just flip the switch and watch as the room you are in is engulfed in the light (and heat) of several thousand White Stars! Order now for just $99.99, FREE SHIPPING!" +19566,0,"Today, I was followed by a stranger My followers increased." +19567,2,What is a pirate's favourite number? 6.63x10^-34 I hope this isn't a repost +19568,4,"Once there was a mathematician Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a prostitute. She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, ""That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"" The woman replied, ""It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts.""" +19569,1,There's been another New Age protest. They are incensed about something or the other. +19570,2,"A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. ""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ""Oh, God!"" she exclaims. ""Take me with you!"" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ""Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"" ""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume. ""I'm the bus driver!""" +19571,4,"Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes? She went shopping. " +19572,2,Why did the blonde wear a tanktop to school? Because the constitution says you have the right to bear arms. +19573,6,"There's only two things I hate in this world. Accidentally pressing ""submit"" when making a post and" +19574,1,"Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like, said my girlfriend's tits." +19575,0,Did you hear about the object with a high buoyancy? It came up. +19576,5,"A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, ""Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"" He asks the bartender, ""What's this 'test' you have?"" The bartender says, ""Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her."" Laughing, the man exclaims, ""Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!"" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. ""Ok bartender! Let's do this test!"" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, ""Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"" " +19577,2,Roman soldiers are trained... ...But Vikings are Bjorn. +19578,4,Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist... They come in pears. +19579,3,"A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: - Can I help you? - Yes, I've come to activate your phone lines. Source: @funandjokes telegram channel." +19580,1,You know what they call the end of the Helsinki Marathon? The Finnish line +19581,2,What are Super Mario's pants made out of? Denim denim denim. Denim denim denim. +19582,6,If Jesus Christ died for our sins... then who died for our cos and tans? +19583,1,An iPhone 7 walks into a bar ... I'll have a Jack please! +19584,0,That guy would never hear what I just said about him. He's blind. +19585,5,"Tried to sign up to a website the other day... I put my password as ""beef stew"" It said password not stroganoff." +19586,4,What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grains +19587,0,"Some people are pretty, some people are ugly... ..Some people are pretty ugly." +19588,3,I used to tell a joke about radios But it’s reception was always poor +19589,2,What does a barcode say if he bumps into another barcode? SKU me +19590,1,Just to let you know r/palindromes exists! r/palindromes Some of you may want to join us. There are dozens of us. Dozens!! +19591,1,"A man goes to the doctor because his penis is too big... The doctor has a look and says yes, that’s too big at 25 inches, but I don’t want to operate on you. However, he continues, there’s a frog in the forest nearby, and if you ask her to marry you, she’ll say “no” and your penis will be 5 inches shorter. The man goes into the forest, finds the frog, and asks her to marry him. The frog says no, and when the man looks down, his penis is 5 inches shorter. Happy with the results, he asks again and the frog says “no”. After checking again, the man says, ok, one more time should do it. And he asks the frog again “Do you want to marry me?” At which the frog, slightly irritated, replies “No, no, no!”" +19592,2,"I asked a man what the opposites of ugly, curved, and reverse were. His answer was pretty straight forward." +19593,0,What is Donald Trump's favorite music? Another Brick in the wall! +19594,0,Do you think Dr. Seuss' wife liked to be called Ma? Because if so she would be a Ma Seuss. +19595,0,Rain is really nice it hides away all your sorrows +19596,0,knock knock Whos there 4 4 who 420 +19597,0,In light of Nintendo new console announcement... I guess they're really switching it up! +19598,2,What is the difference between a sweater and a jumper? Sweaters are hoping someone will talk them down from the ledge. +19599,2,My first football game was like the time I lost my virginity. I mean I kinda cried a little... but at least my dad came. +19600,5,"What do JFK, John Lennon and Donald Trump have in common? Nothing. But a man can dream." +19601,7,"A nun is in the bath Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says ""can i come in"". ""who are you?"" she asks nervously. ""Im the blind man"" he replies. ""Oh well in that case come in"" she says relieved. The man walks in. ""Nice tits"" he says ""Now where shall I hang these blinds?""" +19602,5,I nearly jumped 10 feet in the air during my first prostate exam. Good thing the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders. +19603,0,"Jokes which get upvoted are like uneducated, thirsty, sugar-craving kids... Short, stupid, and they beat you to the punch." +19604,1,"What do you call a dog that knows lots of tricks, but only does them when he feels like it? Chaotic Good Boy" +19605,0,"I hate when people ask me what I'm doing next week. I mean, I don't have 2020 vision guys." +19606,0,Is there anything better than sleeping on freshly washed sheets? It might be my favourite day of the year. +19607,0,What's the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a dirty rat? Rats split in half when I fuck them +19608,0,What do you call a war between the three largest air forces in the world? A civil war. Edit: The three largest air forces belong to the U.S. Air Force. U.S. Navy. U.S. Army. +19609,2,Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side +19610,0,"How do you catch a polar bear? First, you cut a big hole in the ice. Next, you take a bag of frozen peas and dump them all around the hole. Lastly, when the polar bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole." +19611,0,Group of very experienced archeologists Found a group of not very experienced archeologists +19612,1,"My neighbors got me a gold Rolex... My neighbors got me a gold Rolex for Christmas. I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch. Just heard it while watching the Yogscast, sorry if it has been posted before." +19613,0,"I told my british friend to take his crush to pound town He said it was fun, but she called him a cheapskate." +19614,1,What do you call it when you spill your morning drive-through beverage on your virus scan software? Getting McCafé on McAfee +19615,0,You know why I can't throw a baseball? Because my dad never taught me. +19616,2,I visited ford's theater on vacation Is it wrong that I got a Lincoln shot glass from the gift shop? +19617,0,This girl named Amber keeps texting me... and won't stop talking about very specific cars. +19618,0,"Two guys walk into a bar The first enters the bar, orders a drink and leaves. The second guy tells the first: ""Hey, doesn't this belong on r/antijokes?""" +19619,1,"My cousin is in a hospital, unable to speak or stand on his legs. Apparently newborns are like that." +19620,0,Why did Kim Jong send Otto back? He wanted a cold beer. +19621,4,"I, for one like, you know, roman numerals." +19622,0,My wife got a promotion this week It's called a divorce +19623,0,What do you call a cursing Russian yeti? A Blyati +19624,1,"My girlfriend said to me ""I've never been more wet in my life..."" I said ""Well we are playing tennis Becky""" +19625,1,What do you call a number to the power of chickens? An eggs-ponent +19626,3,"Why Can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer? Because sometimes, you can get rid of cancer." +19627,3,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629.""" +19628,2,What’s a redneck with a British accent called? An Australian +19629,5,"I don't always tell Dad jokes... But I've been saving the best ones for twenty years, and we're going have such a laugh when he comes back with those smokes!" +19630,0,Hayao Miyazaki retired That's it. The guy is quit the troll. +19631,0,What did the mohel bring to the BBQ potluck? His homemade Bris-kit. +19632,0,"I was in the mall earlier today, when I heard this guy say… ""Those pants with that sweater, I don't think so!"" ""Who do you think you are, the fashion police?!"" I laughed. ""No sir, just the regular police."" he said. ""I'm arresting you for shoplifting.""" +19633,0,"Reports saying Nike's Anti-rape campaign weren't approved Apparently ""Just do it"" doesn't quite work" +19634,0,What did the calf say when it hit the furniture with his pinky toe? Cowch! +19635,3,What sound does Stalin make when he drinks? Gulag Gulag Gulag Gulag +19636,1,Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs. +19637,3,"Auto Correct Text to Neighbor: ​ Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing this. ​ The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you know. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that's no excuse but the temptation was just too great. ​ I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. ​ Regard, Richard. ​ **Fred's response, feeling very angry and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, shot Richard, killing him. He then went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard which read:......** ​ ""Hi Fred, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed 'wi-fi' to 'wife'. Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.""" +19638,1,"I always liked cute nicknames... My parents called me ""disgrace""" +19639,0,What's the difference between jam and jelly? One's made with whole fruit. +19640,3,Opinions are like assholes... Nobody cares about mine. +19641,2,To the person stealing my shoes while I`ve been in the inflatable castle Grow up! +19642,0,Tony Romo might be joining Troy Aikman as a Fox sports announcer.... With two gay Cowboys they can call their pre game show Broke Back Announcin' +19643,8,"I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day. Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors. Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry. The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love. She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - ""whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!"" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge. The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed. The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her. The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says ""what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"" Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave ""but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"" " +19644,1,"I'm a huge fan Well, I used to be... now I'm an air conditioner" +19645,5,I heard this great joke about cocaine It was so funny that I snorted a little. +19646,1,Dad joke: What time do monkeys poop? Tree turdy. +19647,3,"Why do pirates love reddit It is the best place to trade stolen content for gold, arrrrrrr!" +19648,1,My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist He's an expert at building bridges +19649,0,"[NSFW] A father and his teenage son were having a conversation Son: Hey dad, I stopped a girl from getting raped today Dad: Son that's good of you. How? Son: I stopped chasing her " +19650,0,Geronimo never grew a full beard. Cause he could only grow apache one. +19651,1,"Our past two presidents remind me of a Netflix show It's called ""Orange is the New Black""" +19652,2,Why are they called French fries? If they are obviously made in grease. +19653,1,"A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica: most men know it's there, but few really care." +19654,0,"Women are supposed to be like butterflies, beautiful and hard to catch... ...But most of you are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash." +19655,1,I’d tell you a chemistry joke... but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction. +19656,2,Two fish in a tank One fish says to the other ‘how do you drive this thing’ +19657,0,Wanna hear a racist joke? Donald Trump +19658,0,Subtle humour or sarcasm is best conveyed through text. Thanks Reddit... +19659,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the ugly mans house. Knock-knock Who's there? It's the chicken. +19660,0,"A big group of sperm swam for the egg, and one got inside... He was the only one who didn't want to come." +19661,0,Is it supposed to burn when holy water touches your skin? Asking for a friend... +19662,2,"What's the difference between a can and a bucket? If you kick a can, you get excercise. If you kick a bucket, you die." +19663,1,How do you know when a gynaecologist is nearsighted? They've got a wet nose +19664,2,"My mom once told me ""the world doesn't revolve around you"" So I told her ""I guess I'm not your Sun"" " +19665,0,"So my cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent..... Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying & not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute... decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Shelby County Jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!" +19666,3,I invented a new word the other day. Plagiarism. +19667,0,What music do you think Trump listens to in the White House ? Trumped up kicks +19668,4,"Little Johnny was learning about punctuation The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks. She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand. He asked: Why are periods so important? The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask? Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself" +19669,1,"How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car 2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle. " +19670,0,"If Apple made a freezer, what would it be called? IFreeze " +19671,2,"I'm not really in the mood to laugh, today my friends bakery burned down... Now his business is toast :(" +19672,0,"You can't spell for sh*t! Oh, the inory." +19673,0,It took them about a year to charge mac millers drug dealer in his death So maybe by the time we hold our next elections we will know what happened to Epstein. +19674,0,"I've been waiting for the horny phase of my wife's third pregnancy, but it never came. Just like me." +19675,1,I went clubbing once Those baby seals never had a chance. +19676,1,My grandpa spent his life trying to figure out how to tie a clove hitch... ...he got close towards the end of his life but sadly it was all for knot. +19677,3,What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump? A psychiatrist. +19678,0,Did you hear about the greedy red bird? It was a cardinal sinner. +19679,0,"A normal American guy bought the fastest and newest car ever created A normal American guy bought the fastest and newest car ever created. He entered the car and turned on the radio; He heard: ""This Is London!"" The man said: DAMN this thing is FAST!" +19680,3,"A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend. Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new ""YAKT"". Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey. Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right." +19681,1,"At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ""Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"" The priest responded, ""Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"" Giuseppe proudly replied, "" I gonna go pick her up.""" +19682,3,"I asked an African man to use the word dandelion in a sentence His response was ""da cheeta runs fasta dan de lion""" +19683,5,"Wife says to her husband: ""Choose, either me or the soccer game!"" He responds: ""Give me 90 minutes to think.""" +19684,0,"The chief of a tribe emerges from a tent holding a baby ""I would like you all to meet my new daughter, Soaring Eagle."" The tribe all cheer and applaud the latest arrival. The chief went over to his son so that he could meet his new sister. ""How do you think up these names, father"" the son asked. ""Well son, after you sister was born i opened the doors and the first thing i saw was a magnificent eagle soaring through the sky,"" ""And when you older brother was born i did the same thing and he was to be named Raging Bull"" ""Why do you ask, Shitting Dog?""" +19685,0,"The flower pot men, Bill and Ben, walk into a Bar. ""Flobadobdob"" says Ben. Bill then says""Go home Ben, you're drunk"". " +19686,1,I used to be sesquipedally loquacious I got bullied because I couldn't even explain that that meant I was talking all the time with big and overly complicated words. That's when the excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device. +19687,0,What’s the difference between a warrior and a baker? One darts into the foe and the other makes bread. +19688,1,Did you hear Bruce Willis tried to overdose on viagra? He wanted to Die Hard. +19689,0,"So the mail-order bride industry has changed, Now they sell whole brides and half brides. Thing is, they don't tell you which half you get. I ordered one and I thought she was alright. Then she left me." +19690,0,"Women = Time x Money Now it's been previously proven that: **Women = Time x Money** And we all know that: **Time = Money** Which means we can infer that: **Women = Money x Money** And from our prior research we've identified that ""*Money is the root of all evil*, i.e. we can infer: **Money = SQRT(EVIL)** So applying that to our previous results: **Women = SQRT(EVIL) x SQRT(EVIL)** Which can be reduced to: **Women = EVIL**" +19691,1,"Four men stand around a dead body on a crowded train Man 1: “Well sir, we still have no idea who the murderer is.” Detective: “Well gentleman, can we rule anybody out yet?” Man 2: “Well, it has to be SOMEBODY on this train.” Man 3: “We also found this tarot card left on top of the body.” Detective: “Well one thing is clear than… The murderer… Is a medium!” Man 2: “Well then, it could have been any of us! It could have been me, or her, or you…” Man 1: “Or even him!” He says as he points toward an empty booth. Everyone turns and looks at him. Man 1: “...Shit.”" +19692,0,What makes windows taste nicer? An extra chromosone +19693,4,If anyone is interested in a concert that only costs $0.45 It's 50 cent featuring NickelBack +19694,4,"I asked my friend how to spell water. Friend: HIJKLMNO Me: umm ok, that doesnt sound right. Friend: yeah bruh...H to O." +19695,4,My wife accused me of being immature... I told her to get out of my fort. +19696,2,"I love my wife, I couldn't ask for more. Because she wouldn't let me have another one." +19697,1,"A german guy rescues a dog from drowning then the owner of the dog says to him: ""Thank you so much! Are you a vet?"" to which the german guy responds with ""I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!""" +19698,1,"A politician was running for mayor of his small town... The competition is tough. He is worried he will lose. This was his dream job, he wasn't going to give in. He had one trick up his sleeve. He printed a few hundred posters of various sizes. He decided he would save money by hanging them himself. He walked around the town and hung posters up. It didn't take long, because only 500 or so buildings were in the town. The politician hung a poster on every bulletin board, every shop window and every street corner. He slept comfortably that night knowing his plan would work. The next day, he was to finish his plan. He tore down every sign and every poster. After he got every sign off, he went back into town and put them all back right where they used to be. As he hangs one of the signs, a woman walks up to him and asks, ""I saw you hanging these signs yesterday, and I saw you just tear them down. Why are you putting them back up again?"" ""I need all the help I can get."" The woman still looks. The politician explains. ""Do you have any idea,"" He starts. How much karma you can get for reposting the next day?""" +19699,2,Daddy Daddy! There's a man at the door selling ugly faces! Tell him you already have one son. +19700,2,"My Russian automobile is getting pretty shitty at this point... Soviet, I'm Lenin towards Putin that Stalin, Ruski thing on Craigslist" +19701,5,"[NSFW] Camping Sex Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?” The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had Sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.” “Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?” “Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”" +19702,1,"What did the bookworm say to the book? ""I can't read.""" +19703,1,"In the first year of marriage, the man..... In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen." +19704,2,My father must think I’m good at rapping He calls me Lil Bitch. +19705,0,You've heard of rapper Post Malone. But have you heard of his brother Leavi Malone? +19706,1,"How many girls does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, you tell me. " +19707,1,"3 nuns are talking in a monastery... 3 nuns are talking in a monastery when the first one says.... “Sisters, I have a confession to make. A few weeks ago I found condoms in Father Johns nightstand!” “What ever did you do?” ask the second Nun. “I poked a bunch of holes in them!” the first Nun says. The third Nun let out a scream and fainted." +19708,2,What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer The taste. +19709,2,What is Asia's favourite sitcom? Everybody loves Ramen. +19710,0,"What was Robert Edwards's title, pioneer of in vitro fertilization, after he was knighted by the Queen of England? Sir cum navigator. " +19711,0,How to make pumpkin? That’s an odd topic I gotta carve deep into it. +19712,2,In a classroom the teacher wants the children to answer questions before they go to the bathroom... A child goes up to the teacher and says: I really need to go to the toilet! The teacher replies: Is it really urgent? And the child says: Yes! Yes! Yes! So the teacher says: Okay then. I will give you something easy then. She continues: What is the alphabet? And the child recites the alphabet: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z The teacher then says: Where did the P go? The child finally says: It’s running down my legs. +19713,1,A thief stole a third of my cow. Ow. +19714,0,What do you call a German that goes against popular opinion? A contraryan. I’m not racist. +19715,0,"Your wife is HOT Ok, now go fix your air conditioning." +19716,0,Perfume Released For Babies - Just In Time For Christmas! New Gucci Goo - By Gucci +19717,1,What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? elephino +19718,1,A perfect way to sum up the 90s 945 +19719,1,Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys. +19720,1,"A boy came to his mother and asked her ""Mom, where did I come from?"" The woman explained intercourse, insemination, conception, pregnancy and birth to her son in easy-to-understand terms. However, he still was puzzled, so she asked him ""Do you understand what I said?"" The boy replied ""Yes, I do, but what I want to know is where I came from. Jimmy in my class says that he came from Phoenix, so where did I come from?""" +19721,0,What should siblings born in the same day sing? TWINkle TWINkle Little Star +19722,0,What do you call coming on a white person? Cream crackers. +19723,3,Whats the sequel to fortnite? Month. +19724,0,Sex while camping... Is fucking in tents. +19725,1,"You are what you eat. Therefore, I am a human." +19726,0,Why did 1/5th get a massage ? Because he was 2/10's +19727,1,How do you tell if someone is Canadian? If they ask you your favourite colour +19728,2,Jokes About Attempted Assassinations... Generally go over people's heads. +19729,3,"Carry A Flashlight A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. ""Is it true,"" the tourist asked, ""that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"" ""That depends,"" replied the guide, ""on how fast you carry the flashlight."" " +19730,0,What's the difference between a book and a Mexican? The book has papers. +19731,1,Love sucks..... but true love swallows +19732,2,Why do terrorists love their job? Because they always have a blast. +19733,1,"A burly man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for another tally mark tattoo The tattoo artist, a bit worried, asks what all the growing number of tally marks is keeping a record of. The burly man gruffs: ""The number of tattoos I've gotten""" +19734,2,"Women are a lot like weather. If it is wet outside, it's time to go inside." +19735,0,Why does a blonde girl have a bruised belly button? She has a blonde boyfriend. +19736,0,How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram! +19737,1,"A few men are sitting in a submarine and decide to get high. There they sit in the submarine, quiet and contemplative - a bunch of subdudes." +19738,0,You know what evidence was used to convict Bill Cosby of drugging his victims? The proof was in the pudding. +19739,0,What kind of body do rappers have? Two Pack +19740,0,"I was playing with my BB gun when my girlfriend walked up to me... ...long story short, I now call her the one eyed love." +19741,2,What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint +19742,0,how did the Russian babysitter win the race? She got ahead LOL +19743,0,"What's the resemblence between politics and sex? It can be in whatever position they choose, but regardless there's still just gonna be a dick going in there, and you're still getting fucked." +19744,4,Apparently Beer Contains Female Hormones: After you drink enough. you cannot drive: Or shut the fuck up: +19745,3,Why is Donald Trump always in the comments? Because the real joke is always in the comments. +19746,1,What’s the worst thing you can say to a suicidal person? No pain no gain... +19747,1,Trump gets Impeached Me: The Senate will decide your fate. *ignites lightsaber* +19748,0,What do Badgers and Gynecologists have in common? they both like to root around in your cellar +19749,2,"Mr Singh walks into a bar in London _*he , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_ _*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, ""You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.""*_ _*Mr. Singh replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.""*_ _*The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.*_ _*Mr. Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.*_ _*One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.*_ _*When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, ""I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.""*_ _*Mr. Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... ""Oh, no,""*_ _*He said, ""Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...*_ _*I have quit drinking""!!!*_" +19750,0,Life is like a basket of ghost peppers What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow! +19751,2,"I tried to be a sociopath, but I’m not that good in manipulating people. I’m more of a so-so path." +19752,2,The best blow job I ever got was in junior high. God I love being a teacher +19753,2,How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish. +19754,3,"This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, ""I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."" The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, ""By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?""" +19755,1,"My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so I’m half Jewish (oc) Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar" +19756,1,My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets. Hindsight is 2020. +19757,4,"How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb ? None, they'll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place." +19758,1,What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower? Mint conditioner. +19759,1,"Dave Bacon once said, ""Change cannot be given to you everytime. You must bring the change"" BTW, Dave is the check out guy at the grocery store." +19760,0,My dog has no nose My dog has no nose. “How does it smell” you may ask. It doesn’t it has no nose +19761,1,What do you call a potato smokin' a joint? Baked! +19762,2,"Curious cashier Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks ""Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"" The nine year old replies ""Nope, not for my mom."" Without thinking, the cashier responded ""Well, they must be for your sister then?"" The nine year old quipped, ""Nope, not for my sister either."" The cashier had now become curious ""Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"" The nine year old says ""They’re for my four year old little brother."" The cashier is surprised ""Your four year old little brother?"" The nine year old explains: ""Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!""" +19763,0,"How did my dad react when he found out I wasn't really his son? ""Thank God!!!""" +19764,0,What do Blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They both swallow a lot of Seamen +19765,0,What do you call an elven servant? A MER-maid +19766,1,"Why did the geologist decide to be a paleontologist? Because he loved rocks so much, he wanted to date them." +19767,0,Why did Mushroom get all the ladies? Cus he was a really fun guy +19768,1,"A Scottish Rugby Player Visits Harvard A Scottish rugby player at the end of his high school career is ecstatic to find out he is being considered for a scholarship to Harvard. All he has to do is show up to visit the coach and he's sure to be a shoe-in. - After a long flight, he finds himself on Harvard's campus, but without a campus map or guide, he gets lost and has to ask for directions. He spots two students coming his way down the path, approaches them, and asks in his deep Scottish accent, ""Excuse me, can you tell me where the rugby field is at?"" - The two Harvard students are aghast, ""Excuse me,"" one says, casting a horrified glance to his friend, ""This is Harvard. We are a respectable institution, and as such we do not end our sentences in prepositions."" - The rugby player thinks for a moment then looks the student dead in the eye, ""Can you tell me where the rugby field is at, asshole?"" -" +19769,3,"Policeman stops priest on the bike... Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$. Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me. Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike." +19770,1,"How do you know that Jesus was gay? Cos' he was always like ""AHHHHHH MEN""" +19771,0,"A man was walking home from work... ...when he heart a faint chanting coming from a back alley. As a curious man he walked a few feet down it to investigate. The chanting became more clear. ""Kill! Kill! Kill!"" He was now rather concerned. He followed the chanting further and found it was coming from one house in particular. The chanting was louder now. ""Kill! Kill! Kill!"" He walked right up to the window of the house and cautiously looked through the window. Inside he could see around fifteen men dressed in dark, hooded robes carrying candles. They seemed to have all their attention on one man who held a small cube which was covered in spots. ""Kill! Kill! Kill!"" Oh no wait I got it wrong. They were chanting ""Die! Die! Die!"" (I made this joke up so no credit needed)" +19772,0,"How To Tell You're A Good Husband If you are good, she'll make you a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast. If you are very good, she'll slice some banana into your cornflakes. If you are very, very, good, she won't make it the night before." +19773,1,"Today I saw someone waving. It was i nice gesture, so I waved back. It's fun to be a lifeguard." +19774,0,I'm Hungary... For some Turkey dripping in Greece. +19775,1,"How To Catch a Polar Bear First, you find a big patch of ice see? A nice big patch of ice. Then, you cut a large hole in the ice, about 8 feet around. After this, you grab a can of peas. Open it very carefully as to not waste any and place peas in a circle right at the edge of the hole you just cut in the ice...the whole way around about 6 inches apart. Then, when the polar bear goes to take a pee...you kick him in the ice hole!" +19776,1,What is the difference between ugly man and ugly women? Ugly men can not use meninism. +19777,2,Woke up at 5:30am to get a head start on driving to view the Eclipse today Must have missed the start though- it was already dark. +19778,0,Worldwide Survey A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant and in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant. +19779,2,"Lately, it's been getting harder and harder as each day passes by.. Which makes me think that this over the counter Viagra is legit." +19780,2,"Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint. The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt. ​ One week later, Jim stops the same driver. Once again, the driver has all the proper documentation, put is clearly nervous. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal, lo and behold, four more large bags, each filled to the brim with dirt. ​ This happens over and over again for the next 2 years. Frustrated, Jim quits and opens a bar in El Paso. A year later, a man walks into Jim's bar. Jim instantly recognizes him as the ""dirt driver"". As the man sits down, Jim quickly strikes up a conversation with him, and says, ""look buddy, drinks are on me all night if you just tell me what you were smuggling"". The man leans back in his chair, smirks, and says, ""Cars""." +19781,0,The value of Bitcoin has crashed massively in the past 24 hours ISIS are claiming responsibility for the crash. +19782,0,"My friend said to me, “I worry all the time.” Concerned, I replied, “Really?” He said, “I’m afraid so.”" +19783,3,Why don't rabbits like to play the drums? They're afraid of getting caught in a snare. +19784,0,"My wife told me I might be suffering from premature ejaculation. I told her, 'does it look like I'm *suffering*? Those aren't tears on your belly.'" +19785,3,"After years of saving, I finally have a comma in my bank account! $ -1,250" +19786,2,"I once asked a girl if she smoked after sex. She said ""I don't know, I've never looked""" +19787,4,"I recently bought a toilet brush Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper" +19788,2,A friend of mine used to brag about picking up hundreds of women a day. And then METRO laid him off. +19789,0,I've read The Rock is thinking about adopting a dog Apparently a rockweiler +19790,1,What are the similarities between cancer and a old car. It kinda grows on you. +19791,3,Looking back 2016 was a very eventful year. But I guarantee 2017 will trump it. +19792,4,Why did people make white chocolate? So black kids could get dirty faces too. +19793,3,Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people. +19794,1,"A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar Spanish Inquisition " +19795,0,"What do you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing, he's been told twice already. (And be cool, if you get the reference keep quiet and let em wonder.)" +19796,0,"If Undertale and Terminator made a Counter Strike map, it would be called... de_terminator" +19797,2,"Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time? Really good acid" +19798,0,My girlfriend said if this post gets 10 likes she will get anal About how many times this shit has been reposted. +19799,0,"[Long][NSFW]So this man's walking around being real smooth with the ladies. He walks behind one woman and says ""I'll tickle your ass with a feather."" The woman responds ""Excuse me?"" The man quickly replies ""I said it's particularly nice weather."" He walks up behind another woman: ""I'll tickle your ass with a feather."" She exclaims ""What?"" He says ""I said it's particularly nice weather."" This drunk comes up to the man and says ""I been watchin' you. Lemme try that."" The smooth talker replies ""No way, you'll mess it up."" The drunk says ""I will not!"" The smooth talker replies ""Well alright man, this is how you do it."" He walks up behind a woman and says ""I'll tickle your ass with a feather."" The woman responds ""You WHAT?"" The man quickly says ""I said it's particularly nice weather. The drunk says ""I know I know!"" and walks up behind a woman. The drunk loudly says ""Hey, you wanna fuck?"" The woman cries out ""What the hell did you just say to me?"" The drunk replies ""I said do you think it's gonna rain?""" +19800,1,"a Russian man goes to a job interview A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited ""sir, you have a brilliant record!"" and the accountant responds ""I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper""" +19801,0,What's red and scratching at the door? A baby in the microwave +19802,2,They say that the most powerful way for a woman to have sex is doggy style... Then they're really bangin' on all fours. +19803,3,If all the Dominos employees in the world held hands.. you'd have to make your own pizza +19804,1,"When I die I want everyone.. ..... come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back and not say a word, so everyone will think I lived a cool double life. " +19805,0,"A wheat field began screaming on day: ""HELP HELP..."" ""I'VE BEEN REAPED""" +19806,3,Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter +19807,3,Why do protesters refuse to brush their teeth? Because plaque lives matter. +19808,0,No wonder reddit has a repost problem I mean after all it is called read it. +19809,1,You know where the most original posts on reddit are? /r/Jokes +19810,3,"A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller..... ""You are the father of 2 children,"" the fortune teller says. ""That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!,"" says the man. ""That's what you think,"" says the fortune teller." +19811,1,"When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it’s cute when they use it. But I would think that from their point of view, it’s more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back. " +19812,4,"A Jewish boy is doing poorly in math Young Jewish boy is doing poorly in math. His parents are very concerned because they're both good at mathematics and they feel like he needs to learn math in order to be successful in college. They do everything they can to try to interest him. They hire tutors, they promise him rewards, they praise him when he does something good in math but nothing seems to work: he keeps coming back home after each report card period with an F in mathematics. The parents are at their wit's end and don't know what else to do so they finally decide to consult the rabbi. The parents go to the rabbi and say ""oh wise Rabbi our son is doing poorly in mathematics. We know he has the ability but he's just not applying himself what do we do?"" Rabbi strokes his chin, is silent for a while and then he turns to the parents and says ""I'm going to give you a solution but I have to warn you it's going to be very unorthodox"". The parey look puzzled and so the rabbi continues. He says ""if you want your son to excel in mathematics, enroll him a Catholic school. If you do that you'll get better at math I guarantee."" The parents are both surprised at the rabbi's advice but they trust him and think he's a wise man so they enroll their son in a Catholic school. The very first day after the son is in Catholic school he comes home and go straight to his room and does his mathematics homework all evening. The next night the same thing happens and so on and so on and he comes home at the end of the report card period eith an A in mathematics. The parents are beaming and delighted that the rabbi's advice worked. Finally the mother asks the son ""what is it that made you improve so much in mathematics? Was it the discipline at the Catholic School? The uniforms? Better teachers?"" And the son said 'No. The very first day I came in I saw that guy hanging on the plus sign I knew they meant business""" +19813,2,"An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments The American said,""In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"" The Russian said,""I can do that."" The American said,""You can?"" The Russian said,""Yes, I can go into the Kremlin to the General Secretary's office, pound his desk and say,'Mr.Gorbachev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country.'"" Source : Ronald Reagan" +19814,0,So I hear there’s a lot of talk about this supposed Tide Pod challenge... Where’s the radioactive waste/ Sewage pipe challenges don’t worry I’ll wait. +19815,1,"A man calls up his lawyer and asks, ""How much would it cost me to ask you three questions?"" The lawyer responds, ""$250."" ""$250?!?"" says the man. ""Don't you think that's a lot for just three questions?"" ""Not really,"" said the lawyer. ""What's your third question?""" +19816,2,"two guys are working at the morgue guy 1: did you see that woman they dragged out of the ocean? her clitoris was like a pickle... guy 2: swollen? guy 1: no, salty" +19817,2,"In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s." +19818,3,"Two gay guys are fucking in the woods, a tree falls on them and kills them both. Which one makes it to heaven? The one on bottom because he's already got his shit packed. " +19819,1,What did the spider go to college for? Web design +19820,1,What’s worse than being the village bicycle? Being the village bicycle that no one wants to ride. +19821,2,"A man boarded a plane to Pittsburgh... Sitting down, they both notice each other to have a black eye. Striking up conversation, one of the men speak up: Man 1: ""Hey, so I gotta ask. I mean we both have one... How'd you get your shiner?"" Man 2: ""Well funniest thing, it was a slip of the tongue! Do you remember that attendant at the front desk?"" Man 1: ""That cute one? Yeah, I remember."" Man 2: ""Yeah, her! Well I was going to ask for tickets to Pittsburgh, but slip of the tongue, I ended up asking for pickets to tittsburgh. Needless to say, she threw a good punch and that's how I got my black eye. How about you?"" Man 1: ""Wow, you won't believe it, but the exact same thing - a slip of the tongue... So the other night while I was having dinner with my wife, I went to ask her 'could you pass the salt,' but of course, *slip of the tongue*...it came out as 'You ruined my life, you soul-sucking bitch!'""" +19822,2,Taken from my Laffy Taffy wrapper: What do you call a nun sleep walking? What do you call a nun sleep walking? A roamin' catholic! +19823,0,If furries killed themself everytime they were told to... they would have all used up the 9 lives that came with their fur suit. +19824,3,Jews are the worst Christians Except for one. One became the best. +19825,2,Beer nuts are $1.49 But deer nuts are under a buck. +19826,0,What is white and goes up? A confused snowflake. +19827,2,Where do people who need adult diapers live? In continents. +19828,6,"Doctor: ""I have some bad news, and some very bad news"" Patient:""Well, might as well give me the bad news first."" Doctor:""The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."" Patient:""24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"" Doctor:""Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."" [Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]" +19829,5,"A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. ""Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?"" he says. The mom thinks fast and says ""Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out."" The boy says ""well that will never work."" ""Why?"" says the mom. ""Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again.""" +19830,2,Why shouldn't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything. +19831,3,Kim Jong Un claims to have golfed 38 under par... ...But his story is full of holes. +19832,0,I clocked this beautiful woman earlier. I’ll probably never see her again—it was a pretty big clock. +19833,0,"As a boy, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friend wanted to dress as classical musicians for Halloween. His friend said: ""I'll be Mozart. Arnold said: ""Okay, I'll be Bach." +19834,1,When you ejaculate on a woman keep it above the ankles. You don't want to get off on the wrong foot. +19835,2,Where did the hippopotamus go to learn? The Hippo Campus. +19836,1,I went on a water slide once and now I'm addicted It's a slippery slope +19837,0,My grandma got fired from the Italian sub shop down the street I guess she was gumming up the works. +19838,0,"Yesterday, my internet was down for a couple of hours and I sat down and had a conversation with the people living in my flat. They seem to be chill people." +19839,4,"3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR. After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak." +19840,2,What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose Actually Nobody nose +19841,0,I had a mug made with a funny saying It's my only joke that holds water +19842,2,How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot +19843,4,"That's a nice ham you got there It'd be a shame if someone put an ""S"" in front and an ""E"" behind it" +19844,3,Why aren't there more abortion jokes? Because the delivery is generally a bloody mess. +19845,0,Why was C major arrested for buying beer? He was contributing to the delinquency of A minor. +19846,1,"[Frwd]I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me” The Hindu sadhu came and said ""Beta, you will walk on your legs today."" I said ""Babaji - nothing wrong with my legs"" The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!” I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me. After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. I believe in all religions now......" +19847,5,"Sperm Bank Robbery It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells ""EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"" Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the main area again. He points his gun at one of the nurses and shouts ""You! Come over here, and open this door."" She walks over, trembling profusely, and keys in the number on the door. The gunman say ""Alright, grab a tray of the most recent donations and bring them to the nearest desk"" After the panicking nurse does so, he makes one further demand: ""Drink up!"" ""E-e-Excuse me?"" ""These are today's donations, right? Well, open up one of the tubes, and drink it!"" Still shaking, she takes off the lid of the tube, and pours it down her throat. ""Again."" She slowly opens another one, and repeats the action, shivering. ""A third time. Don't hesitate"" The nurse hurriedly does it again. The gunman takes of his mask and says ""See Honey? It's not that hard now, is it?""" +19848,2,"A wizard came to my house once. He started turning my tables to jars, chairs to jars, plates to jars and everything to jars. What really pissed me off was when he left the door ajar." +19849,2,What do dyslexic zombies want? BRRRRRIANNNNSSS!!! +19850,2,Islamic state claimed responsibility for american presidential elections. +19851,0,"When I was younger I thought it was hard Jared Fogle only got the 6"" sub.... now i think he's lucky with only a hard 6""" +19852,0,"Monkey see, monkey do. Honey see, Honeydew." +19853,1,Why does Peter Pan always fly? He Neverlands! +19854,1,I think college athletes should get paid to play sports. Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers. +19855,0,"*just discovered ex cut off my internet* ""Looks like an imagination wank tonight""" +19856,2,"What did the right butt cheek say to the left butt cheek? *""Let's get together and stop this crap!""*" +19857,1,What do Donald Trump and an Abortion have in common? Neither make it full term. +19858,1,There are two types of people in the world. Those who understand ROT26... ...and those who don't. +19859,0,"Did you know Albert Einstein was also known on weekends as a clean-music-only bar mitzvah DJ? Yeah, he went by the name MC Square." +19860,4,Why did the red blood cell misspell his name? It was a type-o. +19861,3,"A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat... Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast. Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast. The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns. On the coast jesus asks shaggy : ""shouldn't we told him where the stones were"" ""Like, which stones"" shaggy answers..." +19862,3,"What did Donald Trump say on the season finale of Celebrity President? ""Nuclear missiles ... you're fired!""" +19863,1,"What’s long, brown, and toothless? The unemployment line in Georgia." +19864,1,"3 men in line to Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible last days. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."" ""That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,"" said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. ""It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."" Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. ""So I'm hiding in a fridge..."" " +19865,0,"Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says “follow me, I know a shortcut”. The second nun says “I haven’t came this way before”. “Yeah” says the first nun “the cobblestone will do that to you”. " +19866,0,When did the Black Plague happen? After the Emancipation Proclamation. +19867,5,"The young Pharoah rarely, if ever, passed gas... This is why they nicknamed him King Toot Uncommon. -from my son, age 10" +19868,0,Have you guys heard what kind of oil Fort McMurray is into these days? Turmoil +19869,0,(Growner) I had dogs and cats growing up... They tasted good. +19870,1,"Everyone keeps guessing who Rey's parents are, but who delivered her as a baby? OB-Gyn Kenobi" +19871,0,How does a Medical Examiner start his exams Turn your head and coffin +19872,1,"A man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. ""You're in the afterlife!"" he tells the man, ""But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."" All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines. The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. ""That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."" So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street. ""What are the odds?"" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. ""That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line."" The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch. While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, ""The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"" Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel. And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. ""Come,"" the beggar told him, ""I'll take you to the evening meal."" So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. ""That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line,"" and then he added, ""and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"" The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. ""What is it,"" he thought, ""that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?"" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring. Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same. The beggar laughed jovially. ""I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!"" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own. Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. ""That's the line for the dragon meat,"" he said before turning to the next line, ""and that's the line for angeldust stew,"" then he paused, confused. ""What is it?"" the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied, ""There appears to be no punchline.""" +19873,1,Archaeologist digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in Chocolate and hazelnuts And believe it to be Pharoaoh Rocher +19874,2,"Three men are waiting to get into heaven... And St. Peter stops them at the gate and says, ""I'm sorry we're almost at our quota of people we're going to let into heaven today, so only the man who had the worst time getting here is going to get in. "" The first man steps up and says, ""That has to be me. I came home from work early and I could clearly hear the sounds of my girlfriend cheating on me through my apartment door. I rushed in and after some searching found the culprit hanging by his hands from the balcony. I don't know what came over me, but I shoved the refrigerator out of the kitchen, over to the balcony and over the edge. It took out the man, but my leg became tangled up in the cord and pulled me over with it."" St. Peter listens intently, ""Wow you certainly did have a rough time getting here."" The second man pipes up, ""I was working out on the balcony of my apartment when I heard a domestic dispute in the unit below. I leaned over to see if I could hear more and lost my balance and fell over. I managed to grab hold of the railing below me, and before I can climb to safety a refrigerator comes over the edge and I fell to my death."" St. Peter nods again, ""That's even more unfortunate that the last fellow."" He turns to the third man, ""I suppose you have a story to top that?"" And the third man replies, ""So picture this, I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator...""" +19875,0,/r/N̶e̶w̶s̶ Pyongyang FIFY +19876,0,"A man and his dog walk into a bar So a man and his dog walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The bar tender promptly asks them to leave because they don't allow dogs. The man, without skipping a beat, quickly says, ""But this is no ordinary dog! This is a special dog, he can speak."" The bartender then says, ""I'll be the judge of that."" So the bar tender looks at the dog and says, ""If you can really speak, you'll be able to answer these three questions I have for you."" The bar tender pointed up and said, ""what's above the ceiling?"" The dog barked the response, ""*ROOF*"" The bar tender said, ""alright, that was an easy one."" He then stated his second question, ""what does sand paper feel like?"" The dog quickly yapped, ""*RUFF*"" The bar tender sighed and said, ""that was another easy one, I'll give you one more. Who's your favorite baseball player?"" The dog woofed, ""*RUTH*"" Seeing that all the dog's responses were variations of common dog sounds, the bar tender asked both the man and his dog to leave the bar immediately. They left the bar, and started walking down the side walk when the dog turned to the man and said, ""should I have said DiMaggio?""" +19877,0,Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw his Gas Bill. +19878,2,Jesus could walk on water . . . But Chuck Norris can swim through dry land. +19879,0,"How do Germans eat mussels? \\*KNOCK KNOCK\\* ""AUFMACHEN!!!""" +19880,2,What do you call a homophobic hobo? Homoless +19881,0,What do you call a group of Richards? An embarrassment +19882,0,Whats the difference between a dog and a Fox? Whats the difference between a Dog and a Fox ? About eight Beers!!!!!! +19883,2,"How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Depends on if you will see them later, or in a little while." +19884,0,Donald Trump is #notmypresident… …because he hasn't been inaugurated yet. \\#mypresidentelect +19885,4,Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? +19886,1,I just hate elevator jokes. They're wrong on so many levels. +19887,0,How do billboards talk? Sign language. +19888,3,What did the pregnant orange see after 9 months? The fruits of her labor. +19889,0,"- On a 1-10 scale, how picky are you? - And the 0?" +19890,0,Women are all for equality.... until the check comes. +19891,0,Jin Wong works in construction He had some of his tools and levels stolen so now he puts his name on his stuff.. Now everywhere I look its just Wong on so many levels.. +19892,0,When I was young my Dad sent me to the paper shop When I got there it had blown away +19893,1,What's blue and not heavy at all? Light blue. My favorite dad joke. +19894,0,You can find a Smith in England. You can find a Smith in Germany. But you'll never find a Smith in Russia. Cause they can't afford anything made by someone else. +19895,1,"To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this! Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong. " +19896,0,My friend died of heartburn and indigestion I can believe Gaviscon +19897,0,Evolutionists are like conspiracy theorists.. They think everything is related! +19898,1,The baby is kicking like a mule So I decided my wife can no longer own that pet donkey of hers +19899,1,"doctor vs Journalist top insult In a ""Mental Hospital"" A journalist asked the Doctor: Journalist: How do u determine whether to, admit a patient or not? Doctor: Well, We'd fill a Bathtub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub... Journalist: Oh, Obviously a normal person would use da bucket bcoz its bigger... Doctor: ""No, A normal person would pull da drain plug!! Please go to bed No.39; We will start further investigations""... you also think bucket ohhh..... please go to bed no. 40\" +19900,2,"Enter through one, exit through three. Once you succeed I am on thee. What am I? A shirt." +19901,2,What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. DRE +19902,0,Did you hear about the Syrian refugee who escaped to America? Trump promptly deported her to Mexico with all the other Muslim rapists +19903,2,"What does Chuck Norris say when fishing? ""you, you and you, get out,""" +19904,5,"Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? A trip to Thailand? Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary? Then I pick you up again. :)" +19905,4,I've never been a great joke teller.... I always seem to punch up the fuck line. +19906,1,I've never killed anyone I'm such a bad shot +19907,1,Why did the pregnant woman refuse to tip the waiter? Because the tip was the reason she got pregnant in the first place. +19908,1,"What do a hurricane and a marriage have in common? They both start with a lot of blowing, then you lose your house" +19909,3,"The Seven Dwarfs Go To Church Father O'Malley was conducting mass at St. Paul's in New York one Sunday, and was quite perturbed at a repeated disturbance from the back row. The seven dwarfs were in the church, sitting in a rear pew, and they were arguing and giggling amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Doc stands up and says, ""Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?"" ""No,"" said the priest, ""There are no midget nuns in the church."" This seemed to settle things, bit a little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and angering the priest. Soon, Grumpy stands up and asks, ""Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"" ""No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, and there are no midget nuns in the city."" says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the curate. Next Happy stands up and asks ""Father, are there any midget nuns in the county?"" ""No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county."" says the priest, obviously getting upset. The dwarfs continue their interference. Sleepy stands up and asks, ""Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"" The priest, now somewhat angered, exclaims ""No, my son. There are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county, and there are no midget nuns in the state. Now please let us continue with the ceremony."" Bashful pops up and asks, ""But Father, surely there are midget nuns somewhere in the country?"" ""No, my son. No, my son. There are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county, and there are no midget nuns in the state, and there are no midget nuns in the country."" Sneezy immediately rejoinders, ""How about the rest of North America? Surely there's at least one!"" The priest loses it. ""Devils take you, no! There are no midget nuns in the church, there are no midget nuns in the city and there are no midget nuns in the county, and there are no midget nuns in the state, and there are no midget nuns in the country. There are no midget nuns in North America. I have never heard of a midget nun. As far as I know there are no midget nuns in the entire world. Now sit down, you little bastards, and shut up so that I can finish the mass!"" Soon afterwards, a low quiet chant began to be heard from the rear of the church.... . . ""Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!""" +19910,3,I used to piss my pants everytime I had to stand up in front of my grade 5 class... It cost me my teaching career. +19911,3,A woman can turn a man into a millionaire... but only if he is a billionaire. +19912,0,"What does a movie actor tell a theatre actor when they meet in a taxi ? To the airport, please" +19913,1,"The Biggest Lie Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” ""You should be ashamed of yourselves,"" said the teacher, ""When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher." +19914,1,Why doesn't Jesus like manicures? He's not getting nailed again! +19915,2,"A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket. At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope. One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon? The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands. The costumer then asked why does he have a second rope going from his tie down his pants? The waiter said that the rope is tied to his penis so when he goes to the bathroom he pulls on the rope to take his penis out without having to touch it with his hands. The costumer then asked well how do you put your penis back in your pants? The waiter replied oh im using the spoon." +19916,0,"BLONDE'S STARTING SALARY A boss tells a blonde applicant, ""I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?"" She replies, ""In three months.""" +19917,7,How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. +19918,4,"Two Irish men are nailing down floorboards The first man grabs a nail but it is upside down so he tosses it away. He grabs the next nail but it also upside down so he throws that away too. He continues this process until he finds one the right side down. The second man comes over and say ""What the hell are you doing?"" The first man replies, ""Im trying to nail down the floor boards but the nails are no good. They are upside down!"" The second man shakes his head and say, ""You idiot! Don't throw the nails away. We can use them for the ceiling.""" +19919,3,"I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. ""How flexible are you?"" ""I can't make tuesdays.""" +19920,0,What comes after World War One and World War Two? World War Tweet +19921,0,What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Kermit’s undivided attention! +19922,1,"*Tips fedora at a mosquito* ""M'laria'" +19923,0,What do you call gay Frenchmen? Faguettes +19924,3,"Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me How dairy!" +19925,3,She’s not fat She’s just easy to see +19926,0,What did the selfish boyfriend say to his girlfriend before sex? I come first. +19927,0,What do you call a hip Arab? A chic sheik +19928,4,"What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder. ​ yes, im a dad." +19929,0,"What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? One's a lying, racist, multi-millionaire with a bad dye job who thinks that bombing is the solution to every foreign policy problem, and the other is Donald Trump." +19930,0,How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change? +19931,1,"The Italian Restaurant Car Thieves Deep in New York, there was an upscale Italian restaurant. It served some of the richest people in all of the state. However, it was recently discovered that for years the waiters were running a scheme of stealing ladies' fancy cars. When the customer wasn't looking, the waiter would snatch the car key from their purse and replace it with another item. When the customer left the restaurant, they would search their purse and find gnocchi." +19932,0,"skip pick up man came, said 'that's overloaded.' I said 'no, that's a load of rubbish.'" +19933,0,"P & Q What did O say to Q? Pull up your damn pants when you come after a P! And to prevent reposts, get a nice, tight belt like your cousin 8 did." +19934,3,"My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son... ""Just use the fork!"" she said. ""You're not a Jedi!""" +19935,3,"Police Station Intelligence Test Apologies if this has been posted before \\(I searched, albeit not a lot\\). My physics teacher in college told me this one: They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes. It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very stupid ones and very strong ones." +19936,1,"What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and only one eye? Dick." +19937,4,I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age. Maybe it’s just an old wives tail. +19938,2,V V Edit: My ctrl key stopped working . +19939,6,"A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex... A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. ""I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker."" ""Oh thank God!"" the groom exclaims. ""I have a secret too...my penis is the size of a newborn."" The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. ""I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?"" she asked. He answers, ""well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs...are you ready?""" +19940,4,Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart Address: 10 Downing Street +19941,0,"A woman wanted to have a cup of Tea. She opened fridge... but couldn't find milk. So she removed her dress... . . . . . changed her clothes, went out and brought milk from shop. In your mind, you're most probably running a XXX movie. You enjoy the movie and let her enjoy her cup of tea!" +19942,2,19 and 20 got into a fight 21 +19943,1,"A man and his wife get into bed for the evening... ... The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, ""What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"" The wife replied, ""You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier"". The husband said, ""Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages." +19944,0,Why are kid's books bad liars? Because they're easy to read. +19945,1,"When I woke up this morning, the garbage disposal was making a funny noise. Turns out he was just masturbating in the next room." +19946,2,Roses are red violets are blue Porn hub is down Facebook will do (Idk if this is a joke but my friend told it to me and i thought it was funny.) +19947,2,"The ultimate challenge: Climb Mount Everest, reach the summit, ... ... and tell no one." +19948,2,"Hitler: What's the weather like today? Nazi: Hail, Hitler!" +19949,0,Formula for the perfect joke... Edgy enough to be offensive But not enough to get arrested +19950,0,"What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison." +19951,0,A Milkman heads to a nearby school after an Earthquake... His milkshake really did bring the boys to the yard. +19952,2,"Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes " +19953,2,Eating on a train is way faster than eating normally You only have to chew twice +19954,4,"What was my prize for coming first in the National ""Thinnest Arms"" competition. Atrophy." +19955,1,What's about 14 inches long and makes a young mama scream all night long? Crib Death +19956,0,How do you start a fight with a Trekkie? Spock it to 'em +19957,1,I just solved the Travelling Salesman Problem... For the one-dimensional case +19958,0,"I met an italian with a broken arm today, so I asked him which hand he uses to masturbate. Turns out italians are still switching sides." +19959,0,We are searching for the planet glue... We come in pieces. +19960,3,"I wish I could drown my problems Unfortunately, my wife won't get in the ocean in with me." +19961,0,"If Greedo always shoots last, what game can he win at? Russian Roulette!" +19962,3,I invented a new word! Plagiarism!! +19963,0,"What do you get when you combine flour, eggs, sugar, fruit, and a man who thinks women are objects? Crepe Culture." +19964,4,"I named my dick ""The Truth"" Because bitches can't handle it." +19965,0,What do you call an Apple Tree? iWood +19966,0,Why do princesses who have been locked away in a castle become the most creative? Because they're in-spired. +19967,1,I hate being the designated driver. My friends need to get better at golf. +19968,1,"A Roman walks into a cafe A Roman walks into a cafe with four of his friends. He holds up two fingers and says, ""Five coffees please.""" +19969,0,Please donate to national Alzheimer's awareness day which is Uh... it's... uhh.. oh! happy birthday! +19970,0,What did the gay rooster say? A cock a dude'll do. +19971,0,Why did the barometer get high? Air Pressure +19972,6,"No Sex Tonight! I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said ""I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."" I said ""WHAT??!! What was that?!"" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...""You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ""Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ""That's fine, honey."" She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, ""I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."" I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ""No honey, I don't feel like it."" Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ""WHAT?"" I then said ""Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."" And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ""Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"" Apparently, no sex tonight either" +19973,7,"If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub. That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit." +19974,2,Crossing the street Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the street? A: To get to the second-hand store. +19975,1,Did you hear about a Scotsman who went to Kiev? He heard it was easier to pick up a lover in Ewekraine. +19976,3,"A guy is lying on a field. There's a backpack lying on his back, and a lot of flies are flying around. What's in the backpack? A parachute." +19977,3,Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it is cheaper +19978,2,Why did the Piranha Plant start coughing? Because Mario went down the wrong pipe! +19979,4,I accidentally passed my Wife the super-glue instead of her Lipstick.. She hasn't spoken to me for days. +19980,4,"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away." +19981,0,Never trust An atom. They make up everything . +19982,0,"An American guy walks into a pub in Ireland He's never been to Ireland before and he wants to do the typical tourist thing of grabbing a Guinness in an Irish pub. He walks up to the bar and the bartender grufly asks him, ""What do ya want?"" The American is slightly taken aback by the tone but says, ""I'd like a Guinness, please."" The bartender stares for a second then turns around and replies, ""Another damn Guinness, ugh. Coming right up."" The American watches the bartender sort of slam glasses around before he finally asks, ""Hey man, I notice you're in a bit of a mood, did I do something?"" The bartender is still for a second then quickly turns around, ""Do you see that fence over there across from my pub?"" ""Yeah,"" the American replies a bit confused. ""I built that fence with my bare hands! Only took me one day. But do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Noooooo!"" The American doesn't know what to say. ""You see that driveway over there? I know you see it. I paved that driveway, on my own in two days with my bare hands. But do they call me MacGregor the mason? Nooooo!"" He angrily tells the American who is still confused. The American says, ""I don't understand why that has you so bothered."" Ignoring him the bartender continues, ""Now I know you see that house over there! I built that house with my own bare hands. Took me 2 months but I completed it all from scratch. Do they call me MacGregor the carpenter? Nooooo! But I fucked one goat...""" +19983,0,Why does the ocean have water? Because the sky is *blue* +19984,0,What do Bits like the most? Bus driving +19985,0,How to hit the front page of r/jokes Post 100% original content that stems from your everyday life and experiences. +19986,2,What trait do autistic people and leprechauns share? They're both on the spectrum +19987,2,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +19988,3,"If you remove everyone's eyelashes, no one bats an eye. But if you remove everyone's brains, everyone loses their minds." +19989,0,Why did the feminist burn down the field of canola? She said she was defending herself against rape. +19990,6,"A police man pulled over a miner. Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine" +19991,0,ISIS doctors don't know how to circumcise they always cut the head off +19992,2,My son asked me to get a tartan shirt for his birthday. So far I've only got him the prostitute. +19993,0,iPhone 8 will have a refined camera... It only sends Richard pics. +19994,0,Gold Medal What's better than winning a gold medal at the special Olympics? Not being retarded! +19995,0,Why is 77 better than 69? You get ate more. +19996,0,"The anthill was up for its regular winter stockpiling preparations... ... The queen ant had had the ants organized into battalions specialized to collect specific items. So the sugar ants were to collect sugar, jaggery ants jaggery, cereal ants cereals, and so on. However, all were given a strict instruction - nobody was to take even a single pea from humans in any case. Why? The queen feared a peas-ant rebellion getting organized." +19997,3,"Holy Water One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day. The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed. St Peter asked the first sinner and he said that he spent the day sleeping with a bunch of women. St Peter congratulated him and told him to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of his sins. The third sinner snickered. St Peter ignored the third sinner asked the second sinner. She said that she sent a swarm of killer bees to wipe out an African village. St Peter paused in shock, but then told her to drink from the Holy Water to be forgiven of her sins. The third sinner tried to hold back his laughter, but failed. St Peter then asked the third sinner what was so funny. The third sinner replied, ""I shat in the Holy Water""" +19998,0,What is the Pope's favorite breakfast? Eggs Benediction. +19999,3,Invisible calendars... ... that's something you don't see every day. +20000,0,"I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. I was listening to the old primary debates, and it kept detecting burning pants." +20001,1,I told my wife that I think we have communication issues. She hung up on me! +20002,1,"Doctor to his patient: \\-""I have good news and bad news. The good one is that soon you'll be able to read without your glasses on. The bad one is you have one month to learn Braille""" +20003,0,What does a rapper call a Russian Olympians blood? Dope! +20004,5,"Hot neighbor (PG-13) She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, ""I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"" I immediately replied, ""Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"" Then she said, ""Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?""" +20005,1,"A farmer took his cross-eyed dog to the vet. The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, ""Sorry, I'm going to have to put him down."" The farmer said, ""Oh no! It's not that bad is it?"" The vet said, ""No, he's just very heavy.""" +20006,0,"I started a band called Epson. We were asked to do a bar tour, where we would be paid for every gig we did, rather than for the whole thing. Later on, we were asked to print a receipt for the whole concert tour, but we couldn't because we were **pay-per-jam**. " +20007,1,"Truth hurts, but you know something hurts more and makes me want to gag? Deep truth." +20008,1,"Without ME, it's just AWESO" +20009,3,How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian. +20010,0,"Mike walked into Sally's Straw Store... And noticed it was completely empty. Not a single item to be found. Excited to see a customer finally stumble into her shop, Sally greeted the customer, ""Hi how are you sir?"" At this point Mike was quite confused, and asked the kind lady, ""What kind of shop doesn't have any merchandise to sell?"" Sally pulled out an object from behind her desk and reluctantly said, ""This is the last straw.""" +20011,1,"A joke the owner of the pizzeria I work at told me while listening to Beethoven. Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? Because it wouldn't stop saying ""Bach, Bach, Bach.""" +20012,0,"Man: Hi, do you want to dance? Woman: Yeah, sure! Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend! " +20013,2,"A man met a shepherd for tea... ...once a week. One day the man noticed that there seemed to be a few more sheep than his last visit. He shrugged it off and had tea without bringing it up. The next week he noticed more sheep than before covering the hillside behind the shepherd's house. He asked his friend, ""Why do you have so many more sheep?"" The shepherd answered, ""Oh, my son says I need them."" The man was puzzled, but figured he was bulking up the herd. For the next few weeks the man was on vacation and missed tea with the shepherd. When he met up at the shepherd's house for tea again, there were sheep everywhere, busting out of the windows, covering the roof, packed in so tight that he could hardly open the gate. When he finally made his way to the house and called inside he asked, ""What is with all these sheep??"" A yell came from inside, ""My fool son! Every time I call for help with my computer he says I need more ram!""" +20014,4,"Alien sex The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ""Just how do you guys do it?"" asks Maureen. ""Pretty much the way you do,""responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. ""I don't think this is going to work,"" says Maureen. ""Why?"" he asks, ""What's the matter?"" ""Well,"" she replies, ""It's just not long enough to reach me!"" ""No problem,"" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead,  his member grows until it's quite impressively long. ""Well,"" she says, ""That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."" ""No problem,"" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until  the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. ""Wow!"" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks ""Well, was it any good?"" ""I hate to say it,"" says Maureen, ""but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"" ""It was horrible,"" he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping  my forehead and pulling my ears.""  " +20015,0,I got arrested for running out of gas on the highway. I told the cop I was on E. +20016,0,Steve Bannon so drunk... his liver spots got liver spots. +20017,2,"If 7,00,000 people die in hospitals every year Why don't we just shut down all the hospitals? *Shrugs*" +20018,0,"For my grandfather's 90th birthday, my grandmother invited all of us grandkids and prepared a very special breakfast. Now she's not the best cook in the world. Sometimes her dishes don't turn out well in the eyes of some people and sometimes they do. But my cousins and I can all agree that her biscuits are always rock solid." +20019,1,"Ferraris and water bottles A man walks into a car dealership to buy a car. He spots a Ferrari that he likes, but he can't afford it. So he rips off the barcode on his water bottle, sticks it on the the car and leaves with the Ferrari, paying less than $2 and fooling the salesman. He sells the Ferrari and makes a **huge** profit. However, when police searched his car one day, they found hundreds of water bottles without barcodes. He was later arrested on suspicion of theft. Not for the Ferrari but but for all the unmarked water bottles in the back of his car. Man, water mistake. " +20020,1,"Two brothers travel across country. Two brothers Jon and Dave from Newfoundland (Island off the east coast of Canada) decide to travel to Alberta to find work. The day they were ready to leave Dave began to have second thoughts. Dave: “what’s wrong?” Jon: “ I don’t think I can go, I’ll miss the ocean to much, get homesick” Dave: “I’ll tell you what, we will take the boat, and when you get homesick we will pull over and sit in the boat that should help” Jon agreed and the two set off. They did great until about 3 and half days of driving, they reached Saskatchewan large open fields as far as the eye can see. Jon began to get homesick. Dave pulled over and they carried the boat out into the middle of the field, the wind moved the grass like waves. Sitting in the boat Dave asked “well is it helping?, feeling better?” Jon: “a little I guess” Dave: “here take the paddles, try paddling” Jon takes the paddles and begins to paddle. At that moment a stranger driving by caught sight of the duo and slammed his breaks got out and rushed to the side of the road, noticing the plates on their vehicle he began shouting. Stranger:”what the hell is wrong with you idiots! It’s fellers like yous, dat gives the rest of us Newfies a bad name! If I could swim I’d come out there and kick yer arse!”" +20021,3,How do all these anti-Trump Youtube videos make it to Trending in a matter of minutes? Fake views. +20022,0,"A man is driving down a highway alone, there are no street lights, and his headlights are off, a fully black dog sat in the middle of the road, and the man swirved around it, how did he know it was there? It was day" +20023,2,"4 people, 3 parachutes, one plane about to crash. There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes, but the bad news was that there were only three. Explaining that he had to make a full report of the situation to the authorities he quickly slipped on the parachute and jumped. The scholarly gentleman stood up next and explained that he had studied at Oxford, Harvard, Yale and other such schools and that he was one of the most intelligent persons in the world. He said that the world needed his wisdom and great learning. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped. The pastor considered his age and the fact that he had lived a full life and told the boy that he should use the last parachute. The boy scout calmly said, ""Don't worry, we'll both be okay. The most intelligent person in the world just put on my backpack before he jumped.""" +20024,3,"Doctor Visit I saw Dr. Sanfers for my checkup and he asked a lot of questions. After two visits and lots of lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. That comment concerned me so I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?' I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?" +20025,2,"My Dog .. can retrieve a stick from up to a mile away, or does that sound far fetched ?" +20026,0,My girlfriends name is Maizey I’ve always thought her name was pretty Corny +20027,0,"Why is Taiwan more liked than China? Because it ROCs, you PRC!" +20028,0,What happens when you make an Asian girl squirt? She charges you 10€ for the extra sauce. +20029,0,I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning but... +20030,0,What's a politicians favorite hang out spot? The Lobby. +20031,0,Why do right triangles like to hang out by the equator? 'Cause in the winter it's almost always 90 degrees. +20032,0,Did you hear about the frustrated duck? He could not get his down up! +20033,0,A soprano and a violinist fall off a cliff at the same time. Who does first? Who dies first? No one cares. :/ +20034,1,How do you know if she's a witch? How do you know if a woman is a witch? Throw her in a lake beaten and tied to a stone; if she floats and stays alive she's a witch if she drowns she's a normal woman. Well we had to know our facts right? What do we do if there is no lake or water around? Tie her to a pole and light her on fire. If she survives without igniting she's a witch; if she dies she's a normal woman. Better to be sure! Oh the irony of medieval witch-hunting proof system. +20035,2,How does Hitler separate his juice? By concentrate. +20036,6,"Donald trump and Queen Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her: “As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."" To which the Queen replies. ‘I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."" Donald Trump thought a while and then said: ""How about a Principality then?"" to which the Queen replied, ""Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump” Trump thought long and hard and came up with, ""How about an Empire then?"" The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied, "" Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."" Before Trump could utter another word, The Queen said: ""I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country.""" +20037,1,"Two clowns are eating a cannibal Two clowns are eating a cannibal one turns to the other and says ""I think we got this joke wrong""" +20038,3,I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She hasn't spoken to me in a week. +20039,0,"A man looks to a horse for mercy... The horse looks back and says ""neigh""." +20040,6,"A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar. They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ""Well, how was it?"" The woman says, ""You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.""" +20041,2,"Customer: ""Could i have a margarita with light ice?"" Bartender: ""I'm sorry, but all our ice weighs the same.""" +20042,9,"If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men." +20043,0,"RedSox has a AAA farm team the PawSoxs The team is in Pawtucket RI. They wanted to move to Cumberland RI, thankfully they lost the bid." +20044,1,"what is your multi-syllable word? Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, ""Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"" Sarah waves her hand, ""Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"" Miss Rogers says, ""All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"" Sarah says, ""Mas-tur-bate."" Miss Rogers smiles and says, ""Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."" Sarah says, ""No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."" " +20045,2,What is the first symptom of AIDS? A consistent pounding sensation in your ass. +20046,10,Only anti-vaxxers will get this... Measles +20047,2,What is Mike Tyson's favorite type of math? Mathturbating. +20048,2,Why don't Asian parents want gay kids? Because they can't get straight A s +20049,9,"A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. ""Because I am not an American."" says Kristen ""Then"", asks the teacher, ""What are you?"" ""I'm a proud Canadian,"" boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. ""Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."" The teacher is now angry. ""That's no reason,"" she says loudly. ""What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"" A pause, and a smile. ""Then,"" says Kristen, ""I'd be an American.""" +20050,0,I was at a wedding where the bride didn't show up. The groom was filled with unbrideled rage. +20051,0,"My doctor asked me, ""Do you have a history of mental illness?"" ""Yes,"" I told him, ""I got it from the library. Why, do you want to borrow it?""" +20052,1,"What do cholo ghosts say? ""Fooooooo!""" +20053,0,Every room is a living room. If you're alive. +20054,2,"Sometimes the same word means different things to different people. Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to ""secure the building."" After a short while, the Marines report back, ""We have destroyed the building."" Army reports, ""We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."" Navy: ""We locked the door when we left for the day."" Air Force: ""We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy.""" +20055,9,"I was offered Sex Today I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla." +20056,1,"Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." +20057,2,My pan-sexual partner is upset with me... They caught me with a pot in the kitchen +20058,3,"My friend has a ""Bon Appetit"" sign above his toilet. When I asked him why... He told me to eat shit. " +20059,0,"My friend asked me the other day, “do you have celery?” I said, “no I don’t have celery, I’ve always just been paid by the hour.”" +20060,1,I cut my finger chopping cheese... I think that I may have grater problems. +20061,1,What do you call a knight in a village full of cannibals? Canned food. +20062,1,A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... So he gave it to her. +20063,0,People who believe in the flat earth theory... live all around the earth. +20064,1,There are 3 lies in life 1. The check is in the mail 2. The government is here to help you 3. I won't cum in your mouth +20065,5,What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. +20066,0,A Freudian slip.. is when you say one thing but you mean a mother. +20067,2,There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley One was assaulted. +20068,0,Frog Pickup Line Rubbit. Rubbit. Rubbit. +20069,2,What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube? My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds. +20070,2,Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition.... I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know +20071,0,Why was the woman created second? Have to make the mistake first. +20072,0,I feel bad for all the children that were molested by Michael Jackson because now they have a STD... They all got herp-he-he-s! +20073,1,"I went to church on Sunday and did confession after. You should have heard what people told me, I had to give out a ton of Our Fathers. " +20074,0,What did the health specialist say about her patient's swollen penis? Red meat is bad for you. +20075,3,"I was going out with a twin. I was going out with a twin, I always had trouble telling them apart, in the end I worked out that Kylie had long blonde hair and Jason had a dick." +20076,3,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock. +20077,1,What's white and can't climb trees? My Dad..... +20078,3,"How do we get our names? There was once a young Native American boy talking to his father. ""How do we get our names, dad?"" The boy asked. ""Well, son,"" the boy's father replied, ""after a baby is born we go out of the teepee and name the child after the first thing we see. This is why your great grandfather was Soaring Eagle, your grandfather is Running Elk, and I am Hopping Grasshopper."" The boy nodded, but still looked as though he was confused. The boy's dad then asks, ""Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"" " +20079,2,"My girlfriend got a letter in the mail. ""This has not been my week,"" she said to me downheartedly, ""Just a few days ago I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I've got tiny tits."" ""Tinnitus,"" I replied, ""You've got tinnitus."" " +20080,4,"A man in Scotland... ...calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'" +20081,1,A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present so santa send him a sumo wrestler +20082,1,"Only two countries have square flags One is Vatican City, the other is Switzerland. No wonder Swiss cheese is holy." +20083,0,What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes daytrogen! +20084,0,"Two Republicans are talking in a White House bathroom. One says, ""Can you believe that imbecile Trump is going to be our next president? He can't open his mouth without spewing something tactless, offensive or utterly meaningless! He's a disgrace to the Republican Party!"" ""Yeah, I know"", says the other. ""Still...at least he's not a goddamn nigger!""" +20085,0,"Little Johnny was hyped for the zoo. His parents had told him they would go to the Bronx zoo this weekend. When the weekend came they told him they'd be going to a different zoo upstate. A petting zoo. Little Johnny saw goats and pigs and ducks. Little Johnny was cross. His parents were upset. They asked the zoo employees If they had any more animals to see. ""Of course. We have our most ferocious beast in it's cage inside."" Little Johnny perked up. They went inside and saw the cage and inside was the owners dog. Little Johnny exclaimed, ""this is a shih tzu!""" +20086,0,"What did The Pink Panther say when he saw a dead ant?? Dead Ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaannnnnntt.. (Pink panther theme)" +20087,0,"On my first day of University, I was surprised when I opened the door to my first class... I was expecting the entrance exam to be a little more difficult than that!" +20088,2,Do you know the joke about the stupid guy on the tree? Then come down that I'll tell you. +20089,1,"My uncle opened a clown themed restaurant. It didn’t do very well though, customers kept saying the food tasted funny. " +20090,0,"What are the sexiest animals? Brown chicken, brown cow" +20091,2,"Struck off after one minor indiscretion. Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet." +20092,0,What's the difference between a flight attendant and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't keep calling you for weeks after you drop a load in it. +20093,3,Have you ever seen a blind person reading braille in public? Neither have they +20094,1,What do you call someone who's doing an internship at a railroad company? A trainee +20095,0,"My friend lost his job... Damn... A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school & training, has been fired for ONE minor indiscretion.... He slept with one of his patients, and now he can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. He's still paying on his student loans! This just goes to show ... one minor mistake can ruin your life. He was such a good veterinarian." +20096,4,"I went on a date last night. She asked me ""Boxers or briefs?"" ""Depends."" " +20097,0,"I'm starting a new Asian fast food chain. It will be called ""Chin Fil-a"", and its slogan will be ""Eat more dog.""" +20098,3,"My wife just found out that she was adopted and was devastated.. She kept saying why didn't they want me?! I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still crying, we kissed, and she asked me to make love to her. In hindsight, taking her from behind shouting, ""WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!"" halfway through wasn't the best idea..." +20099,0,Why were the dyslexic lesbians unhappy with their sex life? 96ing did nothing for either of them. +20100,3,"At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question ""When does life start?"" ""At conception,"" said the Catholic priest. ""No, no,"" said the Presbyterian minister. ""It begins at birth."" ""It’s in between,"" said the Baptist. ""Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."" ""I disagree with all of you,"" said the rabbi. ""Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him.""" +20101,1,"A man cant get something out of his eye... So he goes to the doctor. He tells about his problem to the receptionist and she writes ""Strange body lodged in eye"", and tells him to wait. She takes the charts to the doctor and the man goes to sit somewhere else. A few minutes go by, and the doctor comes out. He reads the chart and screams: -The man with the strange body please go in! And a hunchback stands up and says -Why dont you call by surname?!" +20102,2,Joke from my 4 year old today Son-Dad what did one hand say to the other? Me-What bud? Son-You sure do look handsome. Followed by laughter and a full explanation of the joke. +20103,0,"What weighs more? A kilogram of feathers, or a kilogram of lead? A kilogram of feathers; because you also have to carry the guilt of what you did to those poor birds, too." +20104,0,Child: do women have period on weekends ? Me : yes +20105,5,"Limerick There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, ""It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher? " +20106,4,"Sorry if this comes across as offensive... Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train. One man shouts to the carriage ""Air in the hands motherstickers!"" The other man shouts ""This is a fuck up!""" +20107,0,Why did Adele cross the road? To say “Hello from the other side” +20108,2,"I never considered myself to be sentimental, but after I got my pacemaker... I knew it would always have a place in my heart." +20109,1,"A cannibal gets a job at a cinema. After finishing training, the manager decides that the cannibal is ready to start selling concessions, and tells him that if he has any questions, dont be afraid to ask him. All seems to be going well, but then a man and a woman walk in and ask for some popcorn and soda. The cannibal is confused by their request, but the manager didnt say anything, so he finished the transaction and sent them on their way. Afterwards, he asks the manager: ""Hey, you know that guy that just walked in"" ""Yeah, what about him"" ""Well are we allowed to let him in there?"" ""Why wouldnt we?"" ""Well it says on the door youre not supposed to bring your own food"" " +20110,3,Today I found out that the prison where Jeffery Epstein was kept didn’t have a suicide for 2 decades... ...and counting! +20111,0,Why are so many comedians bulimic? Because the real joke is always in the vomit. +20112,0,Some bad jokes for musicians... What do you call a miner who a piano falls on? A flat minor What do you call a miner who can hold a tune? A melodic minor What do you call a miner who was born to mine!? A natural minor What do you call a miner who's into their kinky sex? A dominant +20113,1,If I had a dollar for every person complaining about reposts in this sub Warren Buffet would look up to me +20114,0,What did the Indian woman say to the three meter drape? You'll be sari. +20115,0,I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in Daniel. +20116,2,You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem? Fucking women. +20117,1,"A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time to come talk to him. Less than an hour later, the manager is sitting in his office, and Joe comes in sheepishly. ""Boss,"" says Joe, ""I've got a problem."" ""No, Joe!"" says the manager. ""In this company, we do not have problems. We have opportunities!"" ""Ok boss,"" says Joe, ""I've got a drinking opportunity""" +20118,7,My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife. +20119,2,"Music Jokes Sharing some music related jokes :- 1. Q. What did George Michale sing at Elton John's wedding? A. Don't let your son go down on me. 2. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. The lead guitarist holds the light, & the world revolves around it. 3. Q. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? A. He doesn't know when to come in. 4. Q. The last thing to pass through Kurt Cobain's mind? A. A 12 gauge shell. 5. Apparently, Michael Hutchence & his SO were having an argument on the phone, she said something he didn't like, so he hung up. The reason she went for him in the first place, she'd been told he was well-hung. 6, Q. What do 'Free bird' by Lynyrd Skynyrd and my orgasms have in common? A. 5 minutes solo. 7, Q. Why is Classical music losing popularity, these days? A. There's too much sax & violins in it." +20120,0,Why is 10 traumatized? Because he is in the middle of 9 11 +20121,1,I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted. +20122,1,"A man missing an arm is sitting in the front row I went up and asked him ""what happened to your arm?"" He said he got the seat for half off." +20123,0,I hate Call of Duty. But my mom wants to be phoned every other day. +20124,0,"Hokey Pokey Greg Warren died last week. He wrote the famous song and dance - ""The Hokey-Pokey."" The widow and his children gathered at the funeral home after Warren had been embalmed. The family picked out a very nice casket and the funeral directors prepared to put the body in the casket. They put the left leg in and that's when all the trouble started." +20125,0,"I've been clean for a year now. Showering every day was hard, but at least I had cocaine to help me through it." +20126,3,"Why don't you play checkers with Bill anymore? ""Would you play with a person who cheats and moves his men around when you are not looking?"" ""No."" ""Well, neither would Bill.""" +20127,1,"A Christian Farmer is overjoyed to see his cow is pregnant Not being in need; he plans raise the cow and sell the procedes for pure profit Time passes and the cow ultimately gives birth to two calves. The Farmer is even happier! Rejoicing and Thanking the Lord. He tells his wife, ""God has been so gracious to us, when I sell these two calves at market, half the proceeds will be given unto him"" The Farmer's Wfie commends his for his generosity. One day severap weeks later, the Farmer returns home saddened and reserved. His wife asks him what happened ""The Lord's Calf died""" +20128,4,"So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living He loved his job! Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. ""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."" Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.""" +20129,0,Concert Announcement! The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga are set to join forces in the musical event of the century! We'll see you all at the Gaga Goo Goo tour! +20130,1,There are 3 kinds of people in the world 1 People who can count 3 People who can’t +20131,0,"Two redneck brothers are sitting on the porch Drinking beers and hanging out with the family dog. Upon seeing the dog licking his balls with glee the one brother says to the other; ""I wish I could do that!"" To which the other brother replies; ""You could try but I don't think he'd let ya.""" +20132,0,"My father told fortunes and stole horses He'd tell them their horse was going to be stolen, and they'd marvel at his powers when it was!" +20133,0,What game do horses like to play when they're young? Foal-low the leader +20134,3,"A military plane crashes on a cannibal island The crew are taken to the chief, who asks: ""Which of you has the highest rank?"" ""I do. I am Flight Commander,"" the Flight Commander says. ""Well congratulations!"" says the cannibal. ""Tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!""" +20135,2,"If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly... ... because communication is key" +20136,0,"(Politics) If trump becomes president... And he identified as a female or got a sex change, would he then be the first woman president?" +20137,1,Why does the US still use paper for their 1$ bills instead of coins? Because they are averse to change +20138,0,"Son: ""Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"" Son: ""Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"" Father: ""Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."" Son: ""Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white.""" +20139,0,What's your opinion on Roe versus Wade? Personally I prefer to float. +20140,1,"I was in Thailand and got chatting to a beautiful girl... I thought ""Don't have an erection, don't have an erection..."" She must have read my thoughts because she said ""Don't worry - Thailand have military junta - won't have election for a long time""" +20141,3,Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field. +20142,1,I could tell jokes about Peter Pan all night. It never gets old. +20143,1,I don't understand why we're always sending pills to Africa... I mean... aren't you supposed to take them after meals? +20144,0,"Did you guys hear, the Pillsbury Doughboy passed away. The doctor said he got a bad yeast infection. " +20145,1,"Trump, Merkel and Putin test a new machine that tells the future of countries First Trump goes, he pulls out a paper and reads: in 50 years America will still be one of the greatest countries in the world. They'll have defeated North Korea without dropping a bomb and they'll have the highest average wage in the world. After that it's Putin's turn, he pulls out his paper and reads: in 50 years Russia will have the strongest military in the world, and will be richer than ever because of newly discovered oil veins. Full of excitement Merkel pulls out a paper, looks at it for a while and then puts it in her pocket. Trump asks: ""what does it say Angela? "" ""Ehmmmmmm, I can't read it, it's in Arabic""" +20146,4,I wish I could be ugly for one day. I hate being ugly everyday. +20147,0,If 50 cent is broke and struggling for somewhere to live He should ask Roger Miller as he has rooms to let 50 cent +20148,2,"I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons... ""What will you do with a million watermelons?"" ""I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money.""" +20149,0,What do you call a Mexican after he gets electrocuted? Re-fried beans! +20150,10,"If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t." +20151,2,"First joke, please go easy on me. Recently, I had some unprotected sex with my girlfriend. Before long, I realized it would be a good idea to get an HIV test. In the car, I turned to my dad and asked him if he thought I would be alright. After all, I was very nervous. All he said was ""Stay positive.""" +20152,0,"Being homosexual is like being left-handed About every 10th person is And still, it just isn´t right" +20153,2,People tell me I'm obsessed with getting vengeance. They'll pay for that +20154,0,I've been really negative recently So I decided to buy a protractor. I'm going try to look at live from a different angle. +20155,2,"What do gastroenterologists and programmers have in common? When you're missing a semicolon, shit breaks." +20156,0,If her age is on the clock... ...hope it’s a 24-hour clock and she’s legal. +20157,1,Mr. Potatohead sat reminiscing about a time when he still had all his parts intact Where did the ears go? +20158,2,"I saw Sir Ian McKellan handing out leaflets about how Dumbledore and Merlin were fake clones of Gandalf I had a look at one of the leaflets, and it turned out to be the usual propagandalf" +20159,1,How do you circumcise a whale? With four-skin divers. +20160,1,I love the BBC’s documentaries about time and space! I really quantum to continuum! +20161,2,What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? Ones a good year and the other is a great year. +20162,0,"Today I learnt that asking someone who has had a colonoscopy, “when is it coming out on DVD” is not appropriate " +20163,3,"second language A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, ""Bow-wow!"" The cat ran away. ""What was that, Father?"" asked Baby Mouse. ""Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."" " +20164,4,"The wage gap is sexist, because a woman gets 70 cents for every dollar a man makes... ... then the man is only left with 30 cents. That's messed up." +20165,0,My favorite is Amethyst Jade hahaha +20166,4,"A man his wife and a stranger A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, ""Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"" The husband yells back, ""We're not having sex!"" Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift. Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach. The husband on watch exclaims, ""Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!""" +20167,4,Knock knock A: Who's there? B: Dandelion. A: Dandelion who? B: The cheetah runs faster dandelion. +20168,2,I can prove that every redditor can read other people's minds Other people's minds +20169,1,"A man is struck by a bus... on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. ""A priest! Somebody get me a priest!"" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. ""A PRIEST, PLEASE!"" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.""Mr. Policeman,"" says the man, ""I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."" The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: ""B - 4, I - 19, N - 38, G - 54, O - 72"" ... " +20170,0,What did Little Bo Peep say to Woody when she cheated on him with Buzz Lightyear? You've got a friend in me. +20171,1,"A Preist and a Rabbi run out of a burning building The Preist says,""Waphat about the kids?"" The Rabbi responds with, ""Fuck the kids!"" The Preist asks, ""Do we have time?""" +20172,0,My wife told me she accidentally swapped the KY Jelly and the window putty No wonder the windows kept falling out! +20173,0,"Mitosis home I heard about the separation of the cell, but unfortunately, I am a Mitofloridian. There is no separation from the Cell. I am a Florida Man. Do Not Ask." +20174,1,All wild animals should be arrested. They're all naked and won't stop urinating in public. +20175,2,"My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash. “Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.”" +20176,7,"Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges." +20177,5,"I was walking along a pavement when I slipped on dog shit.. ..seconds later I saw another man do the same thing and fall down. As I helped him up I said ""I just did that!"" He punched me in the face and called me a ""dirty bastard!""" +20178,1,"A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you? To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.' The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said ... 'Mixin-me-toasties.'" +20179,0,Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? Two mates sitting at a bar we discussing what diseases they'd rather have.me Mate 1: Would rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? Mate 2: I'd have Parkinson's because I'd rather spill a few drops than forget to drink at all. +20180,0,"An elementary school teacher took her kids outside to teach math... Each kid got onto the playground and waited their turn for the slide, the teacher prompting a question each time a child went. ""What is the square root of 144 Timmy?"" Timmy pondered for a while before going down the slide, coming down, and happily hopping off with a smile on his face. ""The answer is 12 Ms. Johnson!"" She would asked the other kids complex multiplication, exponents, and even trigonometry, each kid going down that plastic tube, and getting the answer right when asked. Another teacher outside with her students was in awe of Ms. Johnson's class, mouth agape at their affinity for mental math. Coming to her senses after hearing a 1st grader recite the 3rd root of 512, she asked, ""How in the world were you able to teach those kids such complex material. I teach 2nd grade and most of them can't even finish their multiplication tables!."" Ms. Johnson replied sweetly, with a smile, ""It's quite simple really! I just bring them out to the playground and teach them how to use the slide rule!.""" +20181,2,My doctor wrote me a prescription for Dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia +20182,0,Why'd the chicken cross the road? To fuck my butt. +20183,6,Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs? He did CrossFit. +20184,5,I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night. The ungrateful bitch spat it out. +20185,0,"An arab, black man and mexican are all in a car, who's driving then? The cops." +20186,0,The British pound has been given a new name to better represent its future stability. It's called Britcoin. +20187,1,"Why doesnt Santa have any kids? He only ""comes"" once a year and when he does, it's down a chimney." +20188,5,Why are there so many public mass shootings in America? Because the schools are closed for summer vacation. +20189,7,I have bathed in the blood of virgins! I had a nosebleed in the shower. +20190,0,What do you call a know-it-all that likes doing bad stuff to kids? Encyclopedophile +20191,1,"A man flirts with a mathematician ""Imagine you are a variable and your clothes are constants, and then you derive."" ""Well, I would be naked but I would also have fewer curves."" Edit: fewer" +20192,3,Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I have. Then they call me ugly and broke. +20193,3,"Drugs I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined. But fuck me, what a night." +20194,1,Sex is like math I can't do it +20195,1,I went to a zoo today... The zoo was so bad it only had one dog. It was a Shih-Tzu. +20196,0,"What does a DrugLord and a TimeLord have in common... They both have two hearts, but one keeps his spare in a cooler." +20197,2,What do you call a smug thief walking down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending +20198,0,How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. +20199,0,Why is the Queen's speech on at 3pm? Surely 1 can never be too early to make a speech... +20200,0,My wife left last night and told me to get my affairs in order... Do you think she wants alphabetical or sequential? +20201,2,"Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?” Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”" +20202,0,"If people from Poland are called ""Poles""... ...why aren't people from Holland called ""Holes""?" +20203,0,"Gypsy girl. A young Irish traveller(gypsy) girl got married. On the night of the wedding after she and her new husband went back to their caravan for the first time there was a huge row heard. Her new husband was shouting and beating the poor girl. The neighbours pulled the couple apart and asked what had happened. The husband told them that his new wife had told him she was a virgin which greatly upset him, because if she wasn't good enough for her own family then she certainly wasn't good enough for him. " +20204,1,"A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?” She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?” The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”" +20205,0,"There was an Alabama player and an Auburn player chilling on the beach. And everywhere the Alabama player went, a large group of beautiful, scantily clad woman followed him. Up and down the beach, no matter where he went, they would be hanging all over him. The Auburn player was confused, because the Alabama player wasn't anything special. He was just a average joe like himself, but no matter what he did, the woman would flock to the Alabama player. Near the end of the day, he was able to catch up with the Alabama player. ""Hey man. What's the secret? Don't get me wrong, you're not a bad looking guy, but your honestly pretty average looking like myself. Everywhere you go, woman flock to you! They hang on you likes ornaments on a Christmas tree! Come on man, let me know what's up?"" The Alabama player said, ""It's easy man. Just take a potato and put it down your bathing suit."" ""That's it?"", asked the Auburn player. The Alabama player replied, ""Yep, that's it."" So, the next day the Auburn player takes his advice and does what the Alabama says. He takes the potato, and shoves it down his bathing suit. It was worse! Woman were actually going the opposite the direction every time he would even get near them! One woman was practically running away! The woman yelled, ""Ayyyyy"", as she scurried over the sand. He hung his head in frustration. He even cried a little. Well that's Auburn players for you. Anyway he was finally able to catch up to him. ""Hey man what gives?!?! I did exactly what you said to do, and it was worse! Woman were not only avoiding me, they were fleeing in the other direction!"" The Alabama player looked at him, ""You dumb ass! You're supposed to put the potato in the front!""" +20206,1,Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff *Ba dumm tshhh* +20207,0,"You may have known about Raphael, the Angel of Healing But did you know of his brother, Graphael, the Angle of Graphing?" +20208,0,What does a kitten do when it tells a secret? Wispurrrrrrrrr +20209,3,"A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, ""Whoa! We don't serve your kind in here"". The horse asks, ""You mean because I'm a horse?"" ""No, because you're black"" ​ ​" +20210,0,"I was at a park. I was sitting down on a bench, reading a newspaper. I looked up, and I saw some guy walking down the path, finishing a nondescript soda, from one of those big soda bottles. The ones you have at parties. When he was done, instead of throwing it in the trash, he tossed it on the ground. That was the first time I saw someone litre." +20211,3,What do you call a Sikh on a tight rope Balan Singh. +20212,3,I can't stand cheese slices... ...but I respect the Kraft +20213,2,How do you stop a Baptist from drinking all of your beer at a party? Invite another one. +20214,0,"Local Hooters Sponsors a Cub Scout Camp (July 4 Headline:) Parents Outraged to Learn a Local Hooters Sponsored Cub Scout Camp All the fathers were so upset they drove right down to the restaurant to give those young babes a piece of their minds in person !! The Headline should have read: ""Cub Scouts Pitch Tents at Hooters.""" +20215,1,What do you call it when an inbred hick steals ...a six finger discount. +20216,5,"What's the differnce between Donald Trump and an iPad? Trick question, you shouldn't compare apples and oranges." +20217,1,I asked my friend what he gave up for lent... He said Christianity. +20218,2,What's the difference between a doe and dope? One's gotta pee. +20219,0,My one skin hangs down to my two skin My two skin hangs down to my three My three skin hangs down to my foreskin My foreskin hangs down to my knee!!! +20220,2,"A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar. Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss." +20221,0,"WHO declares Zika emergency over... I don't know, who?" +20222,1,Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted. +20223,7,"The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said ""Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!""" +20224,4,"A man goes for a job interview Interviewer: so, what's your biggest weakness? The man thinks for a few seconds then replies ""I'm too honest"". The interviewer looks a bit shocked and says ""well, I don't think honesty is a weakness at all!"" To which the man replied, ""I don't give a fuck what you think""" +20225,0,What do you call two shellfish causing accidents? Clam-ities +20226,2,Why didn't anyone laugh when the king farted at the duning table? Because Noble gases do not react +20227,0,The anti-vax movement just got its first clothing sponsor Polio Ralph Lauren +20228,0,Someone calls you a contrarian. How do you prove ‘em wrong? By agreeing +20229,5,What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird +20230,1,"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!' " +20231,1,"What does the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit" +20232,5,I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being. When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay. +20233,1,"If you think you have a grammar or spelling mistake, simply post it to Reddit and you’ll know within seconds if you made one or many. Make sure you write ""sorry for grammar mistakes English is not my first language""" +20234,0,"I never called you stupid. But when I asked how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state,it just kind of caught me off guard!" +20235,1,What’s the difference between snow-men and snow-women? Snow-balls +20236,0,"A guy wants to get a special birthday gift for his wife... He has always called her ""Beautiful Baby"" or ""BB"" for short. For her gift, he gets a ""B"" tattooed on each of his two ass cheeks. When she comes home, he drops his drawers, flashes his ass, and says ""Beautiful Baby, how do you like it?"" She says, ""Well, uhhh, it's great, but who is BOB?""" +20237,1,"My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up while singing along to his Punjabi music at the top of his voice... He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs. ""Looks like you've come prepared this time,"" he said laughing. I smiled back at him and replied, ""Yes,"" as I put them up my nostrils" +20238,1,"Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly. Time for chores? Same thing. Lunch time? Same thing. Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing. ""Dammit, Boy!"" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unload one for a decent dowry. Pa figured that was the end of Junior spilling his seed on the ground. But two days later, there was Junior, masturbating furiously. ""Dammit, Boy! Becky was supposed to take care of that!"" ""Well, she tries, Pa, but her little arm just gets so tired!""" +20239,3,"A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar. The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, ""Hey, aren't you George Bush?"" ""Yes, I am"" he replies. ""Well Mr. President it's an honor."" Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. ""Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?"" asks the barman. ""Yes I am"", Obama responds. ""Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life"" the barman gushes. Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims ""Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink.""" +20240,1,"2016 got me like I had no expectations, still didn't meet my expectations." +20241,0,Do you know how it sounds when America falls? *Trump* +20242,1,"I only go down on country girls. With me, everything's gotta be farm-to-table." +20243,0,Why does Ireland smell like ass? Because of the Derry air +20244,0,"Winnie the Jew, Winnie the Jew He likes honey 'cause he thinks it's gold." +20245,1,I ordered each song by Styx in order from most favorite to least favorite. It took me a full day to complete. I've got too much time on my hands. +20246,3,"I told my dad that his hearing was terrible. He said, ""You can say that again.""" +20247,0,My friend asked me if I'd be free next week. I told him I don't have 20/20 vision. +20248,1,What's Peter Pan's least favorite part of a song? The hook +20249,0,I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio over them later. +20250,2,"My mom is a shia and dad is a sunni, i guess you can say i am Bi-sectual" +20251,2,"A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting. Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the house Don's girlfriend says, ""Look, my family has this weird tradition where no one speaks during dinner. The first person to talk has to wash the dishes."" As they all sit down for dinner Don sees an opportunity to test this 'tradition' so he starts making out with Susan at the table in front of her parents. No one says a word. Don then rips Susan's shirt off and starts playing with her tits. Silence. Don then begins to have sex with Susan. Still nobody says a word. Stunned by this, Don clears off half the table and begins plowing Susan's mom right there in front of her husband, Gary. Gary keeps eating. Suddenly there is a clap of thunder outside and Don remembers his motorcycle. He quickly pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his jacket pocket. Upon seeing the Vaseline his Don's hand, Gary stands up and yells, ""God damnit! I'll do the fucking dishes!!!""" +20252,3,What do you call a pregnant woman getting mad for no reason? Ovary-action. +20253,2,Got my wife an educational toy. It's a dildo that speaks Spanish. Rapido Rapido Rapido. +20254,1,"What do you tell a person who wants to take a short nap? ""bon nap petit""" +20255,6,"if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ... Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house." +20256,2,"A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure. The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail. One student raises his hand and says ""defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.""" +20257,0,"Dihydrogen Monoxide, the poisonous chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide kills thousands every year. It's in every polluted river and stream in the world. What makes the chemical worse is that it's in our cities and is very common. It is in fact so common it is in our DNA. It is 60% of us. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ It's also known by it's more common name: *Water* ​ Haha! Gotcha good...Right?" +20258,0,"a girl asks her friend how was her first day working as a pornstar "" it was a pain in the ass""" +20259,1,I'm addicted to glue You just get attached to it +20260,2,I have devised a list of all the things I hate about clickbait Number 3 will shock you +20261,2,Dark humour is like clean water Not everyone gets it +20262,4,How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb? Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar. +20263,2,What do black mexicans call their friends? Amiggas. +20264,0,I named my dick money... 'Cause women love to blow it +20265,4,"Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. ""We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"" said one, ""but we don't have a ladder."" The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, ""Twenty one feet, six inches,"" and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, ""A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."" " +20266,0,"What's four words you say after bad sex.. ""well good night mom""" +20267,2,"George Carlin, 30 years ago ""There was a Quasimodo look-a-like contest in the park today. Police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.""" +20268,1,What do you call a deer with no eyes ? No idea... +20269,2,"Kid: ""Dad, will you take me to the circus?"" Dad: ""No, son. If anyone wants to see you let them come to the house.""" +20270,6,Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed. +20271,0,How many people with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a light bulb? LET'S RIDE BIKES! +20272,1,What do you call a fruit that studies the night before a test? A cram-berry. +20273,2,What did the homeless protester want? Change. +20274,0,What do you call a lineup at a Vietnamese restaurant? A Pho queue +20275,1,My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him. He came in turd. +20276,0,Even if you're a null... you might still be an exception! +20277,0,What's the difference between a waitress and a prostitute? You have to *pay* for a prostitute +20278,0,How do you call a duck that is addicted to crack? A Qwuakhead +20279,1,How do you track the reproductive cycle of pachyderms? With the Periodic Table of Elephants. +20280,1,That chef must be sadistic. He's always beating eggs and whipping cream. +20281,2,What do you call a sunburnt santa? Crisp Cringle +20282,2,"A guy wants a job as a police officer So he sits down at the interview and the hiring manager is very impressed with the man's qualifications, aptitudes and references. He just wasn't one hundred percent sure. ""Just one more thing,"" the hiring manager says. ""Before you can get the job we need you to go ahead and shoot two black guys and rodeo clown by tomorrow."" ""A rodeo clown?"" asks the guy quite incredulously. ""YOU'RE HIRED!""" +20283,0,Why did Italy cross the road? Because they were allied +20284,1,"I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine. ""Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"" " +20285,4,"Anesthesia A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. “No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. “No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills. “So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. “What are those?” he asked.” Viagra,” she replied. “I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”" +20286,0,That new sprint slogan Just works for me! +20287,0,"I tried telling a joke my friend from Baghdad told me. Unfortunately, Iraqed it." +20288,1,"Why is it that when someone donates a kidney they're called kind-hearted? But when I donate seven it is apparently ""illegal"" and ""immoral"". " +20289,0,"So I impregnated this girl Her name was *April*. God , I’m such a *Fool*..." +20290,7,"Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.... ""How did that happen?"" asks the first guy. ""Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."" ""Geez,"" says the first guy. ""If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now.""" +20291,4,What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta? PENNAY! +20292,0,"i just went to a bar god damn, it was one sharp crowbar. " +20293,0,A man walks into a bar. Ouch. +20294,0,Eli5 What is it like being six. +20295,5,"This morning, I decided to wake up my girlfriend with a gentle fuck followed by a gentle ""you"" " +20296,0,Why can’t you use beef stew as a password? It is not stroganoff. +20297,0,My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more. +20298,0,You feel tired and have an iPhone? There's an app for that. +20299,1,"Sex Drive (Long) A older man was walking through a antique store when he saw a lamp having a laugh to himself he picked it up and rubbed it. All of a sudden a genie burst out of it almost giving him a heart attack. The genie told the man since he freed him he was willing to give him a single wish. The man pondered then asked the genie to give him his sex drive back, being older he hadn't made love to his wife in years since he lost it. The genie granted the man's wish. He said there's a catch when your ready all you have to do is say 1,2,3 and you will be ready straight away and will stay hard forever. When you've had enough just say 1,2,3,4 and it will go away. But this only works once and never again. Super pleased the man races home to make love with his wife. Night comes and he gets into bed with her. After foreplay and she's ready he says 1,2,3 and straight away his harder then his ever been before in his life and is super excited. As he turns around to his wife she asks. What's 1,2,3 for? " +20300,1,"The CEO of a large shoe manufacturer was just fired Rumor has it, he was cooking the Brooks" +20301,6,Well today is my first cake day. And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be. +20302,2,Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said... Once upon a time there was this lobster... +20303,10,"What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard." +20304,3,Did you hear about the penis-less guy who ejaculated? He came outta nowhere. +20305,1,"If Internet browsers were girlfriends **Firefox** is like that freaky chick that lets you do anything in bed, but has a lot of baggage that just weighs you down. Often you're caught considering those pros vs cons when evaluating staying with her. **Chrome** is the chick that's half your age, is full of young spunky attitude, is just as freaky as Firefox but also has as much baggage, only this one hides that fact better. **Opera** is a really great gal, she's a certified MILF but is very set in her ways. You do things her way, or no way. **Internet Explorer** is like that woman pushing 40 who was a totally hot babe back in the day, but that can't accept her aging looks with grace. She still tries to stay relevant with the younger generation, out all night and asleep all day, when it might be better to just kick back a little instead. **Edge** is Internet Explorer's super hot and sexy daughter, reminiscent of her mom back in the day, but her beauty is generic and superficial. There's not much depth to her character." +20306,4,One man's trash is another man's treasure Maybe that wasn't the best way to tell my son he's adopted... +20307,2,What's the difference between Pepsi and coke? I don't like putting Pepsi in my coke. +20308,3,"A lady goes into a confessional booth and sits down. The priest says, ""Bless you sister, please tell me your sins."" The lady says, ""Oh, Father, I'm not here to confess. I just wanted to let you know that I'm a vegan.""" +20309,1,"Why is there no Mexicans at the Olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is already across the border. " +20310,1,MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery. That decision takes balls. +20311,1,What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip. +20312,2,What does ebony porn have in common with space? Black holes. +20313,4,Me: *gets down on one knee* she: OMG it's finally happening. me: *falls over* she: the poison is kicking in. +20314,1,"What did the dummer name his triplet daughters? Anna One, Anna Two, Anna Three." +20315,2,Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun? He Wanted to be Armed. +20316,1,Can you stop making stupid jokes dad? Dad: You're right. I should stop making stupid jokes. Look how you turned out. +20317,6,Many things used to be illegal in North Korea. Now they're unlegal. +20318,0,Why is Japan the only country to celebrate the Penis? Because it's kawaii. +20319,0,What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. +20320,1,If men get morning wood and jack it off... Then it’s a Lumberjack... +20321,2,"Three men are waiting in the hospital for their kids to be born... ...The first nurse comes in and says to the first man ""Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"" The first man replies ""What a coincidence, I work at Twin Massachusetts!"" A few minutes pass when a second nurse comes up to the second father and says ""Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"" The second man responds ""No way! I work at 3M! What are the odds?"" The third man opens a window and jumps out just as the third nurse comes in. She asked the other two men where he went, and the second man replied ""Oh, he jumped out the window. You see, he works for Seven Up!""" +20322,1,"I was gonna tell you guys a joke about sheep, But never mind. It’s baad." +20323,2,Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa. +20324,0,What do you get when you cross the bible with the Moon Landing? Cruci-fiction! +20325,0,I had to stop drinking. I kept getting that thing where you feel sick and your head hurts... Depression. +20326,1,Amnesia Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. +20327,0,"I spent half my time at school being scared of Fractions, Well I say half." +20328,0,In the year 2020 Everyone will have perfect vision. +20329,2,"A botanist visited an onion farm and said to the farmer: ""I'm sorry but I think your ground is leeking""" +20330,0,"Lady takes her daughter to the mall for a haircut.... the little girl is fussing and whining, raising hell, so the tired mom bribes here with one of those big mall cookies. They are gonna get the cookie after she gets her haircut, but the girl cries and insists she gets the cookie first then the haircut. Tired mom agrees. At the shop mom offers to hold the cookie, girl starts making a scene, insisting she eats the giant mall cookie while she gets the haircut. Tired mom agrees. Little girl is finally sitting in the chair, behaving, eating her huge mall cookie, getting her hair cut. The barber says ""you know, you are getting hair on your cookie."" The little girl responds ""yeah, i know, and my tits are growing too."" *i marked it NSFW, even though it's not really, just in case. " +20331,4,"The Harley, Vaseline, and The Dishes Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.  The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he  kept it in such great condition for 10 years.   'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.   It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.  That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.  Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.  When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'  'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.   Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.  Dirty dishes.  They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.  As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word.  He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and makes love her, right there in front of her parents.  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.   He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and makes love to her like s she never had before every which way right there on the dinner table.   She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.  His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.  But still....Total silence.  All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. c Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted.  I'll do the fuckin dishes!! " +20332,1,"A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? B: Yes, o.... A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? B: Yes, of course. A: Great! I never could before! " +20333,1,Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken +20334,2,What kind of knots only exist in space? Astro-knots. +20335,3,Did I tell you about my neighbor who is afraid of chickens? He built a beautiful fence around his house. All the neighbors say it’s impeccable. +20336,4,"The hottest girl sat next to me on the train today... I kept thinking to myself ""Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"". But she did." +20337,1,Heaven and Hell HEAVEN is where: The police are British The chefs Italian The mechanics are German The lovers are French and it's all organised by the Swiss. HELL is where: The police are German The chefs are British The mechanics are French The lovers are Swiss and it's all organised by the Italians!! +20338,2,"Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river? Because she was in denial." +20339,3,"What do you call a fake noodle An Impasta!!! Sorry lol Edit- getting lots of downvotes. I get it, it's a stupid joke but i'm just trying make people laugh. Maybe even chuckle a little bit:) hope everyone is having a good day and if your day was shitty I hope it gets better:)" +20340,0,I dont need a stinkin smartphone to tell me when to switch to daylight savings. This broken clock tells me that just fine. When the broken clock is right 3 times a day. +20341,1,What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock? The spelling. +20342,2,"I tried being a barber for a while but I just couldn't cut it. Bonus joke: Had to buy a stepladder the other day, I never knew my real ladder." +20343,0,Melbourne does NOT have an African gang problem. People have always gone there for the long blacks and flat whites. +20344,0,"A man is walking down the street and sees A man is walking down the street and he sees a man with a peach for a head. He tells the guy, “Umm..You have a giant peach for a head. What's up with that?” The man says, “Well, funny story actually. A genie came upto me and granted me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to be rich and a guy with a briefcase of million dollars came upto me and hurrah I'm a millionaire! Second, I wanted to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Mila Kunis walked up to me and said 'I love you' and we're getting married next month. For my Third wish, I asked to have a giant peach for a head.”" +20345,2,"A bunch of girls in the local collage went the Bra-less feminist way Their spokesperson said to the local media : ""Yes we know we don't have much support, but word's out that the Male students appreciate the movement """ +20346,2,What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker. +20347,0,What do you call a cross between a Bulldog and a Shih-tzu? Bullsh*t. +20348,1,"The restaurant said they couldn't seat me right away due to lack of waiters I said, ""That's alright, I'll wait""." +20349,1,My city likes their sewers like I like my ads Blocked +20350,3,I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now... for us to call him Ryan Goose. +20351,2,Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts +20352,1,Batman took some flak going to the Police Ball dressed as the Joker But sometimes he’s his own worst enemy. +20353,1,"A frog walks into a bank Heard this one on Norm MacDonald's show/podcast so he gets the credit. It's better delivered in live, but here it is: A frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He walks over to the bank teller--her name's Whack (nametag says Whack). Frog: ""Yes, I'd like to get a loan."" Teller: ""A loan? But you're a frog! I don't think we can do that."" Frog: ""Well, it's really important that I get this loan...anything you can do will help."" Teller: ""Well, idk...what's your name?"" Frog: ""Kermit."" Teller: ""Kermit THE FROG?! But you don't look anything like Kermit the Frog!"" Frog: ""No, no, no...I was named after him. My full name's Kermit Jagger. You see, my mother's a frog and my father's Mick Jagger............he fucked a frog, and, well, now I'm here. But anyway, I'd really like to get a loan, for a lilypad."" Teller: ""I see. Well since you've got no credit, it'll be difficult to get you a loan. Do you have anything you can leave as collateral?"" Frog: (Pauses) ""Yes. I think I have something that will work."" He reaches into his frog pocket and pulls out a tiny pink elephant made of porcelain. He holds it up to examine it for a moment. The teller looks at it, puzzled. Finally he hands it to her. (Her first name's Patti.) Teller: ""Uh...I'm not sure. I'll have to talk to the bank manager about this."" (leaves to manager's office) Teller (to manager): ""Hey, we've got a Kermit Jagger out here...His mother's a frog and his father's Mick Jagger. He wants to get a loan for a lilypad but all he has for collateral is this."" (holds up pink elephant) Manager: (pauses, looking at the elephant) ""What it that?"" (takes it in his hand to examine) ""What is this?"" After some time, he looks at her. ""Why, this is a Knick Knack, Patti Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rollin Stone!"" :) " +20354,0,So I went to this fancy dress party clad only in my Y-fronts. They asked me what I was and I said that I was a premature ejaculation... I’d come in my underpants. +20355,0,Dog limps into a bar... Bartender: Can I help you? Dog: I’m lookin’ for the man that shot my paw... +20356,0,What is the most successful spinoff ever made? The Bible +20357,0,What do you call a heartless thief? A redditor +20358,5,Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail? He was caught fingering A Minor. +20359,0,My friend showed me a video. My friend showed me a video of annoying orange. Only to realise it was the inauguration of Donald Trump. +20360,1,How do you get a sheep into a box? You just ram it in there +20361,3,I live by 2 rules : 1: never let anyone know my next move 2: +20362,1,"A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. ""What did you do that for?"" the man asks. ""Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"" The man says, ""No, but my wife out in the car still does!"" " +20363,5,"A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop. The guy says, ""My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?"" The German shop owner says, ""I see. Follow me."" The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a single lamp in front of them. He then says in a sinister voice, "" Ve hav vays of making you tock""" +20364,0,2 wrongs don't make a right... ... but 3 lefts do. +20365,2,What did Amy Winehouse have in common with the Ghostbusters? They both downed spirits. +20366,0,"Vine-famous man Deez Nuts has found never-before-seen nuts fall from a tree, and has been given the rights to name it He calls it the Eucalyptus Nuts" +20367,2,What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action? A Bi-stander. +20368,4,"You will marry the woman I choose, said my dad. I said, ""But look how unhappy it made you.""" +20369,0,Who was the first hipster? Jesus. He did crossfit before it was cool. +20370,6,"An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps. He meets another man going the opposite way. ""Salam aleikum, brother"" he says. ""Aleikum Assalam"" replies Ahmed. ""Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?"" asks the man. Ahmed replies, ""And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?"" He then turns to the wife, ""Keep walking, Saida.""" +20371,2,"Stranded on an Island Two men and a women are stranded on an island. After a week, the woman is so ashamed of what they were doing, she killed herself... After another week, the two men are so ashamed of what they are doing, so they bury her. After another week, they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her up again." +20372,3,I'm unsure whether I like my beard. But it's growing on me. +20373,0,My friend saw a girl.. Who happened to be a kid but he said no problem after 12 is lunch +20374,2,"On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, ""You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back"". Hope he remembers that this year!!" +20375,3,When I die I want to be buried in wet concrete So that over time the plot thickens +20376,5,"Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition... Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful. The first brother is the strongest. ""Watch this,"" he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. ""What happened?!"" His brothers exclaimed. ""You see that mansion over there?"" ""Yeah?"" ""Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."" ""Wow!"" his brothers say, ""As expected, for you are the strongest."" The second brother to go is the oldest. ""Watch and learn, boys."" He says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. ""What happened?!"" His brothers exclaimed. ""You see that village over there?"" ""Yeah?"" They said. ""Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."" ""Wow!"" His brothers say in awe. ""As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."" The third brother is the fastest. ""Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."" He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. ""What happened?!"" His brothers excalimed. ""You see that giant tree over there?"" ""...yeah?"" ""Well I sure fuckin' didn't.""" +20377,1,"Chicken in a Library A young librarian is amazed during his first day at work to see a chicken stride into the library with an armful of books. The chicken walks up to him and deposits the book on the desk. Apart from a little pond weed on one of the pages, they were all fine and within the lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day. Next day the chicken walks in amongst the shelves muttering quietly: ""Book book book"". The young librarian turns to one of his colleagues and asks about the chicken ""Oh yes, the colleague replies, She comes in everyday, collects a wingful of books, takes them away and brings them the next day."" This continues for several weeks until the young librarian can stand it no longer. So the young librarian resolves to follow the bird home and see what happens. The chicken turns up at her usual time, collects her wingful of books and heads out of the library. The young librarian follows at a discrete distance. The chicken knowing that she is being followed takes a devious route home, suffice it to say she definitely didn't want to be followed. Fortunately the young librarian had managed to hang on. The young librarian watched from behind the bush, as the chicken (taking a good look round to make sure nobody was around) nipped into a forest of tall reeds beside a duck pond. The young librarian crept quietly into the reeds only to be confronted by the sight of the chicken handing the books to a frog: Chicken:""Book"" Frog:""Reddit"" Chicken:""Book"" Frog:""Reddit"" Chicken:""Book"" Frog:""Reddit"".........." +20378,0,What do you call a Pussy grabber? The President of The United States. +20379,0,Why are there no circular states? Because all politicians are squares. +20380,1,"Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ""Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"" The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: ""Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!""" +20381,0,"A gang member erobbed a gas station last night He was declared not guilty on the grounds that ""he don't take shit from nobody.""" +20382,1,"The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. " +20383,0,"Three ""L"" lllama If a one ""L"" lama is a Tibetan monk and a two ""L"" llama is an animal from South America, what is a three ""L"" lllama? Ans: [with a heavy Boston accent] -- ""A big fiah in Reveah"" [a big fire in Revere]. [3 alarmer]. [get it?]." +20384,0,A blind man walked into a bar... He never saw it coming. +20385,1,How to know where a blind parachuter will be landing? The guide dog marks the spot +20386,2,"My girlfriend left me today because i'm to insecure No wait she's back, she just just got back from grocery shopping" +20387,2,Nothing better than a ho that's good at math. It's the thot that counts. +20388,2,Where do Russian farmers get their milk from? Moscow +20389,0,How is medusa like weed? She makes people stoned. +20390,0,"What's the difference between a war criminal and a married sheriff? One has been court martialed, the others a courted marshal. " +20391,5,"A man in his backyard... After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, ""Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"" To which Jesus replies,""You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."" The man asks,""Jesus, why is life so hard?"" To which Jesus replies,""That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."" The man asks again,""How was the universe created?"" Jesus replies,""I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn.""" +20392,4,Why did princess Diana cross the road? She didn't wear a seatbelt +20393,2,"Saying the right thing, at the right time Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: ""Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ""Son... What happened last night?"" ""Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, ""So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"" His son replies, ""Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ""Leave me alone, I'm married!!"" Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!! " +20394,0,I finally caved and bought Star Wars Battlefront II... Because my mom told me to stop wasting my life playing video games and do something to give myself a sense of pride and accomplishment. Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you! +20395,3,"A businessman is sitting on a park bench in his hometown. A well-dressed buxom blonde woman walks up and sits down next to him, looks at him, and says “Hey, I know you! You’re the father of one of my kids.” The businessman doesn’t remember her so he starts going back through his memory of all the women he’s ever had sex with. Finally he remembers a buxom blonde. “I remember you now! You were at the swingers’ party at the Ericson’s five years ago! We had sex twice and you kept asking me to spank you!” The woman looks at him oddly and says “No, I’m your son Greg’s sixth grade teacher.”" +20396,0,What happened to the adhesive suicide bomber? He glue up. +20397,3,"April 15, 2019 is the date the Notre Dame cathedral.... Ex-spired." +20398,1,"My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it Close butt, no cigar" +20399,1,"This is a little science joke my friend told me. A 99kg man asks his friend “if I eat 1kg of nachos, does that make me 1%nacho.?” The friend replied to that “Well the human body is made up of sodium, oxygen, carbon and hydrogen. So that practically makes us 100% NaCHO”" +20400,0,Just finished doing an extensive core workout.... Now I've got some psoas muscles +20401,1,"I asked Kellyanne Conway for her email And she said ""oh you mean my alternative fax?""" +20402,3,A mime in my town was arrested yesterday for getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm. But he still has the right to remain silent. +20403,1,My wife said she wanted to spice things up in the bedroom You should’ve seen the look on her face when I started rubbing in the ground chili peppers! +20404,0,Son: Mommy! Mommy! Grandma has a bruise! Mom: Shut up and eat around it! +20405,2,TIL ninjas only have sex in the dark... That way you can't see them coming. +20406,4,My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her. +20407,3,"Two ants walk in the zoo... Two ants walk in the zoo. They see an elephant and the first ant has an idea. ""Hey elephant, I bet you cant step on this bread crump right here!"" The elephant steps on it. The ant speaks again: ""Hey, I bet you can't put this bread crump on your head."" The elephant looks confused, and puts it on his head. The ants laugh: ""Man, thats a BIG fucking sandwich!"" " +20408,0,Why were Stalin's boots always filthy? He hated the Polish +20409,1,What is the problem with the #MeToo movement? To the majority of people over 30 that is known as a pound sign. +20410,0,What is 1 = 0? cos 0 = 1 +20411,1,Did You Hear About The Egyptian Crocodile That Heard About His Wife Cheating? He's in De-Nile +20412,2,I got a job as a bullet I was fired immediately. +20413,1,"(Flash of brilliance while out shopping) My friend asked me what my favorite store to shop at was. I couldn't decide, so I said I love ""them all""" +20414,1,Told my boss my idea for a game where the user would steal an idol from a cave monster. He told me to run with it. +20415,0,"A priest, minister, and rabbi walk into a bar... It hurt" +20416,4,"I am Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten: 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10." +20417,1,Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN +20418,1,I hear the weather in Saudi Arabia is very Sunni... But the weather in Iran is Shiite. +20419,1,"Acording to an study.... 80% off students is good in mathes, at least I be from the rest 30% who is good at grammer." +20420,0,Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasnt a chicken. +20421,3,"My dad was trying to explain what sarcasm is the other day I didn’t really understand what he was saying, but he told me he loved me! " +20422,0,What does an avid sports books reader do to stave off boredom and danger on a camping trip? They pack Heat. +20423,0,I have so many salacious jokes about Trump... But they were blocked by NDAs. +20424,2,The broom was late Because it over swept. +20425,3,I have some employee jokes. But they just don't work. +20426,4,My son wants to name our next dog Naked This way he can tell his friends he walked Naked around the block +20427,0,History talks about the Ottomans all the time. No one ever mentions the Ottowomans. +20428,1,Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film? Because interest in the Bond is so low. +20429,2,"Doctor: “I have terrible news— you only have 10 to live.” Patient: Ten!!? Ten what? Ten Years?? Ten months?? Ten Weeks?? Doctor (slowly): Six, Five, Four, Three..." +20430,4,"Praise the Lord The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, ""I have a praise Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."" You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. ""Phil was unable to hold me or the children,"" she went on, ""and every move caused him terrible pain."" We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."" Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. ""Now,"" she announced in a quivering voice, ""thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."" All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, ""I'm Phil."" The entire congregation held its breath. ""I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.""" +20431,1,I like my jokes like I like my Chuck E Cheese pizza. Recycled. +20432,5,How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy +20433,0,"I told myself I’m not drinking anymore!!! Shiddd , who believes someone that talks to himself." +20434,1,What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver? They both came in a little behind +20435,2,Why was the pepper wearing a sweater? Because he was a little chili. +20436,4,"An 85 year old man goes into a confessional... An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said ""Forgive me father but I have sinned"". The priest replied: ""tell me your sins my son."" ""I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a blow job and then we have sex for an hour."" The Priest said: ""adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"" Mr. Cohn replied ""hey, I'm telling everybody."" " +20437,0,What do you call a lawer that can cook? A sue chef +20438,2,A short facts list 1) 50% of facts are made up 2) I made up the first fact +20439,0,"A Muslim, A Christiana and a Jew walk into a bar A Muslim, A Christiana and a Jew walk into a bar, The Muslim blows up the place before anyone could say anything. " +20440,0,Why did Jesus quit Hockey? He kept getting nailed to the boards +20441,1,"A widower man dies and goes to heaven... ... when he gets there his wife, full of joy, comes to greet him. ""I'm so excited, I couldn't wait to be with you again"" The man replies ""A deal is a deal honey, they told me: ""until death do us apart""""" +20442,1,What does a polar bear get for lunch? 30 minutes like every body else. +20443,3,How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side. +20444,0,"Little Johnny's Thanksgiving It's Thanksgiving morning, and all of Little Johnny's relatives will be coming over today. As Little Johnny heads to the kitchen for breakfast, he stops outside his parent's room to listen to them argue. Later on, in the kitchen he asks them, ""What does bitch and bastard mean?"" They explain that a bitch is a lady, and a bastard is a gentleman. After everything is cleared away, Little Johnny happens upon his older sister having sex with her boyfriend, in their old playhouse. When they come out, Little Johnny asks them, ""What does penis and vagina mean?"" Fixing their clothes, they explain that they refer to hats and jackets. When Little Johnny goes inside, his mom is in the kitchen, cooking. As he's walking by, she screams, ""Fuck!"", and he asks her what that means. ""It's another word for stuffing"" she says, slamming the turkey onto the counter. Later on, Little Johnny is watching his dad get ready for dinner. His dad cuts himself with the razor and yells, ""Shit!"" Little Johnny asks what shit means, and his dad tells him it means the same as shaving. As the doorbell rings, Little Johnny's dad shoves him out of the bathroom and tells him to answer it. ""Alright."" Little Johnny grumbles. He skulks downstairs, throws open the door and says, ""Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas! Dad's in the bathroom shitting himself, and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"" " +20445,0,A man is standing outside during a an f5 tornado. His neighbor told him “you can’t withstand this storm.” The man replied with “I am the storm.” Before getting obliterated by a dumpster. +20446,0,What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion One stopped lion +20447,5,Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR] 9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds. +20448,0,"Baseball Dan and George played baseball all the time when growing up, eventually they became old, in their late 70’s, and Dan died. The week after the funeral, Dan visits George as an angel. Dan let’s him ask one question about heaven. George asks “Is there baseball in heaven?” To which Dan replies, “Yes, and you’re pitching next Tuesday!”" +20449,1,"I think if there is a god, it has no sex I would destroy my work too if I made a whole existence and still be a virgin" +20450,5,I know alot of jokes about unemployed people. but none of them work. +20451,1,You could say that I've been blessed with green fingers Or you could say I pick my nose far too much. +20452,0,"I'm a computer scientist and my life used to be a mess. Thankfully, I was eventually able to get my life in order after nlog(n) attempts. I wish I could show everyone out there how to do the same, but you have to be the right sort. " +20453,2,"I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly. There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe. He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately found a local Spaniard, and started bombarding him with questions about the place. After about ten minutes of this, the man keels over, dead. When the paramedics arrive, they announce that he died of a heart attack. Ish asks them, “Well what caused it? Did he have a heart condition?” “No”, they say. “It was caused by shock. You see, Nobody expects the Spain Ish Inquisition.”" +20454,3,"I went to a premature ejaculators conference, no one was there....I came too early. Didn't know what to wear so I just came in my pants." +20455,6,My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game. I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came. +20456,2,What did the Tomato say to his family crossing the road Catch-up +20457,1,How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. +20458,0,"Zombies, zombies, zombies... ...the only creatures with shit for brains and brains for shit" +20459,4,When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan +20460,6,"Japanese Banking Crisis Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal. " +20461,1,If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole You need some Self-reflection +20462,4,People treat me like god... They ignore my existence unless they need something from me. +20463,4,"Son: Dad how do stars die? Dad: Drugs, Usually" +20464,0,S.L.U.T. *Stands for:* Sexually Liberated Urban Traveller +20465,0,What's the cannibal's favorite thing to eat? The Cobbler. +20466,1,"“Darling, can I go out in this dress?” “Darling, can I go out in this dress?” “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”" +20467,0,What did they bury David Hasslehoff in when he died? A Sarhoffagus. +20468,4,"Do you know what it means to come home late and being embraced, kissed and loved? It means you're in the wrong apartment." +20469,0,Which pirate makes the best food? Captain Cook. +20470,0,"There is 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't" +20471,10,What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon +20472,2,What is Forrest Gump’s favorite part of US currency? The pen-nay +20473,1,"When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer... Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. He said, ""Here, when you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.""" +20474,2,"My wife had just given birth to our first. As I held my daughter in my arms for the first time, pride welled up inside me but there was something else as well that I couldn't place. After a time she looked up at me and started to cry. Confused, I looked to my wife. She smiled knowingly saying, ""I think she's hungry."" It was in that moment I realized my true calling. I stared down into my beautiful baby's eyes and said the most important words in my life up until that point. ""Hi, Hungry I'm Dad.""" +20475,5,What did communists use before candles? Electricity. +20476,3,"Guy gets a call from his doctor. ""Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy,"" says the doctor. ""What? How?"" Guy exclaims. ""Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."" ""What choice do I have, doc?"" Guy laments. ""How much will it cost?"" ""An arm and a leg."" " +20477,0,Why does Hitler like to use the watt? Because he measures in joules per second. +20478,0,"What do broccoli and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have either as a child, you probably don't like it as an adult." +20479,4,"I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks. Dad loved her, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour on a low heat." +20480,0,"Met a Thai girl online, so I sent her a dick pic. She sent one back too!" +20481,3,"I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars. I must have left on Data Roman." +20482,0,"People keep joking that they'd rather live on mars because of the election. Last I checked, mars is a _red_ state..." +20483,1,New Yorker confuses me Some say forget about it and the others say never forget +20484,4,What kind of women get the most flowers on March 8? The ones who die on March 7. +20485,0,"White People: ""I'm not racist"" Everyone else: ""Oh yea? Who was the governor of California from 2003-2011?"" White People: ""Arnold Schwarzeneg-WHOA HEY WAIT A MINUTE""" +20486,1,"I can't stand people who drink coffee after 8 pm I mean, how do they sleep at night?" +20487,0,The hot female squirrel made the horny male squirrel... nut ^(sorry this joke was like a virgin's first time... it didn't last long). +20488,2,What do you call masturbating in French? Menage a moi. +20489,2,"Girls use chemicals to remove polish, and no one bats an eye. Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and he's a bad person!?" +20490,1,What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! +20491,2,"A woman ask her husband if he wants to go bowling or spend a night together at home... The man said: ""I don't want to spend my time sticking my fingers in stinky holes where everyone putted their fingers in.. Let's go bowling!"" " +20492,1,"Me: You wanna hang out later? / Her: Sorry, I don’t talk to guys under 6’ Me: Please Mom? I miss you" +20493,2,Say what you want about deaf people They'll never listen to you +20494,1,"What did the clerk say to young Muhammad Ali when he tried to purchase an elaborate Christmas present? You're cashless, Clay. " +20495,3,"I went out with an Asian girl once I asked for a 69, She said ""Fuck off I'm not cooking egg fried rice this time of night"" " +20496,3,"Nobody always asks how Coca Cola is doing... It's always ""is Pepsi ok?""" +20497,3,I like my earth like I like my bread. Flat +20498,4,"An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man find a magic slide! They have to slide down the slide and scream what they wish for, and it will come true. So the English man slides down and screams money, so he is rewarded with a massive pile of money. The Scottish man slides down and yells a massive house, so he is rewarded with a massive house! The Irishman slides down and yells weeeeeeee as he enjoys himself, so the slide grants his wish! Let’s just say I think he’ll be needing some new trousers." +20499,0,"Sign outside at ""Justice of the Peace"" You furnish the bride...........we will do the rest." +20500,4,"Everyone knows dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"" ""No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, ""Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. ""No, no, just name anyone else,"" Dave says. ""President trump,"" his boss quickly retorts. ""Yup,"" Dave says, ""Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington,"" and off they go. At the White House, trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, ""Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."" Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. ""Pope Francis,"" his boss replies. ""Sure!"" says Dave. ""I've known the Pope for years."" So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, ""This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."" He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, ""What happened?"" His boss looks up and says, ""It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?' " +20501,4,Why are elevator jokes the best kind? Because they work on so many levels +20502,0,what is a motorbike and a gun? a motorbike with a gun on it +20503,0,"I asked Yoda if we are going in the right direction. He said : "" Of course we are.""" +20504,0,"A rap star, a Mormon, and a statistician go hunting. They spot a deer. The rap star shoots first. He loads, aims, but misses five feet to the right. The deer however didn’t hear the shot, so the Mormon steps up. He loads, aims, and shoots the rap star. “Innocent!” proclaims the statistician." +20505,1,"There's only one superhero with the power to tackle a tough, frozen meal... Leave it to Thor" +20506,1,"So this lady arrives at the supermaket to pay. She has one egg, one banana, one yogurth, etc.. The cashiers tells her : \\- I bet you are single \\- Oh, how did you guess? \\- Well, you are fucking ugly" +20507,3,"A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage. “I’m terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn’t cause any of you to lose your heads,” the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke. The beheading proceeds according to plan, and as the man leaves, the jester stops him. “Good sir, I may ask you a question. I’m thinking of perusing a career in comedy. What did you think of my joke?” The man thinks for a second, and responds “The timing is was off, but the execution was incredible!”" +20508,1,I couldn't be a Mormon even if I wanted to. My parents weren't related at all. +20509,1,Can you spell ATTIC for me? A titty I see +20510,0,I had an annoying friend who was paralyzed from the hip down I couldn't stand him. +20511,2,"One day Little Johnny's mother picks him up from school As they drive away, Johnny tells his mother, ""today I had sex with a teacher"". Filled with rage, Little Johnny's mother says ""wait til we tell your father when he gets home, we'll sue everyone in the school district. From the superintendent to the janitor"". Later that day Johnny's father arrives home and Johnny's mother tells him the news. He is outraged and says he will go talk with Johnny. After entering Johnny's room, he closes the door behind him and gives Johnny a high five. ""Son, I can't believe it, you had sex with your teacher. When I was a boy, all the kids dreamed about something like that. What do you say we go out and celebrate"". Little Johnny says, ""Sure, why not"" Johnny's dad takes him out for ice cream and as they are finishing their 2nd bowl, he thinks to himself this ain't enough. ""Hey Johnny, how would you like a new bicycle?"". ""Sure, why not"", Johnny says. They go to the local bike shop and Johnny's father picks out the best bike they have and gets all the bells and whistles. When they get home, Johnny takes his new bike, puts it in the garage and starts walking towards the house. Johnny's father is shocked. ""Hey Johnny, don't you want to try out your new bike?"" Little Johnny says, ""Maybe later, my asshole is still sore""" +20512,1,What the difference between a black guy and a donut? One of them already had a hole before the cop saw it +20513,2,"An old man went to the doctor's clinic where he was stopped by the receptionist ""Good evening sir, how are you today?"" On receiving nothing more than a grunt in return, she continued, ""And how may we help you today sir?"" ""There's something wrong with my cock!"" The old man proclaimed to a room full of patients. The receptionist was fairly appalled by this exchange, ""Please sir, you must maintain a certain level of decorum in the common area."" The receptionist fixed him with a hard glare, ""Please say something along the lines of 'there's something the matter with my ear' and discuss your problem with the doctor later, in private. Now I would kindly instruct you to go out, come back in again and have a civil response for me this time."" Quietly, the old man complied with her request. He went right out the door, came back in and stood in front of the receptionist's desk. ""Good evening sir, how may I help you today?"" ""There's something wrong with my ear."" Seeming very pleased with his reply, the nurse continued, ""And what would that be sir?"" ""I can't piss with it!""" +20514,5,My wife doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. She needs a team of surgeons. +20515,2,How is my mother-in-law similar to an anti-vaxx video on Youtube? They both have a lot of negative comments. +20516,1,What do you call a Chinese person who has an opinion? Wong. +20517,1,"The Driving IDIOT A man is driving home after a long, tiring day at work. Suddenly he gets a call from his wife on the cell phone. Wife: Honey, please be careful on the road. I was listening on the radio and there is some idiot driving the wrong way on the highway. Man: One idiot? There's 50 of them. " +20518,4,"Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre (I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent) After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub. One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well. After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre, ""ooh, Jean-Pierre, take me to your room..."" So they want up to his room, above the pub, and continued flirting there. After a while of that, the blonde says, ""Jean-Pierre! Kiss me on my lips!"" So Jean-Pierre takes a bottle of whiile wine and pours the wine over the girl's lips. She exclaims, ""Mon dieu! Jean-Pierre, what are you doing!"" And he replies, ""huh, I'm Jean-Pierre, the French battle pilot, and when I eat my red meat, I drink my white wine with it!"" - and he starts to kiss her passionately on her lips. After a while of kissing, thigsi get hot, and the blonde says, ""ooh, Jean-Pierre, kiss me lower..."" So Jean-Pierre takes a bottles on red wine, uncorks it, tears her blouse and bra and pours the wine all over her breasts. The blonde, again, exclaims surprised, ""Jean-Pierre, what are you doing??"" ""A-huh-huh"" he replies, ""I'm Jean-Pierre, the French battle pilot, and when I eat my white meat, I drink my red wine with it!"" - and he starts kissing her passionately on her breasts. After a while of that, things get even hotter, and the blonde, again, says, ""Jean-Pierre, kiss me lower..."" So Jean-Pierre tears off her skirt and her panties, takes a lighter and lights her pussy on fire. The blonde shouts, ""Jean-Pierre!! What are you doing!!?"" And Jean-Pierre exclaims, ""Ugh, I'm Jean-Pierre! The French battle pilot! And when I go down - I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!”" +20519,2,My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word I should've cut off her hands as well +20520,4,Rick Astley: What do you want for your birthday? ... Wife: Pixar's “Up” on DVD. Rick Astley: No. +20521,0,"What do you call a cow with two legs? If they're both on the right, left, or front, lean beef. If they're the back legs, your mom." +20522,2,I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader I know what you're thinking... +20523,1,Why is it so difficult for Trump supporters to find a job? Because Russia banned LinkedIn +20524,1,I was given a recipe book for roadkill recently I collected some roadkill and followed the recipe. It tasted good but I have no idea what to do with his bike. +20525,1,"There's really 3 rings for a wedding.... The engagement ring, the wedding ring..... and the suffering." +20526,1,Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he was dead. +20527,0,"Harassment: Her tits meant a lot to me, but harassment more! Edit: posted this in a thread a while back and people liked it, thought I'd give this a whirl." +20528,4,"One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell...... .....As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil Satan: Why so glum? Biker : Why do you think? I'm in hell! Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man? Biker : Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway. Biker : Gee that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Biker : You better believe it. Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Biker : Wow that's awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Biker : Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do. Satan: Good, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow. Biker : Cool! Satan: What about Drugs? Biker : Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean? Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares? Biker : Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Biker : No!!! Satan: Ooooh, You are gonna hate Fridays!" +20529,1,I haven't had sex in so long I think my virginity is coming back +20530,2,"A cloud floated into the bar for a drink The bartender said “I’m sorry, but your thunder-aged”" +20531,5,Bullies and sperm have in common:: The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being. +20532,2,My shoe died recently. May it's sole rest in peace. +20533,8,"It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade... The teacher said, ""Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said. 'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1876.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'...." +20534,2,My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week. I've been getting 8 wanks a day. +20535,0,Did I ever tell you about the Native American orgy? It was fucking intense! Credit goes to: Elrond Kong +20536,4,IBM should change their name to ICBM Their sales would skyrocket +20537,3,"Plane crash survivor - in the jungle A plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. Only one man survives. Members of a jungle tribe find the man and take him to their village. After a few weeks the survivor gets back on his feet only to realize that he is too far away to ever get back to a civilized part of the world. He starts to live with the tribe and after a while he starts to understand that the members of the tribe are all men. A few months later he is able to communicate with them. And after a year he is horny enough to ask what the members do to “satisfy their needs”. He is told to meet the men by river at dusk. The survivor is very excited and meets with the tribe by the riverside. All the men jump into the water and start to bang the hippos that live in the river. The survivor is disappointed and turns around. After a few weeks he is so horny that he goes back to the river at dusk. All the other men are already in the water. After a few seconds of hesitation the man jumps into the water and starts pounding a hippo. Suddenly all the members of the tribe start to laugh hysterically. All the men roll around and hold their sides. He stops and asks ”What are you all laughing about – you are all fucking the hippos as well”. A member of the tribe manages to interrupt his laughter and says: “Yes, but not such an ugly one!”. " +20538,1,"I wish my life could play out like it does in the movies... Pornos count as movies right? Because if not, I'm taking back that wish." +20539,2,"A man comes across 10 naked black men They are all completely black from head to toes except for one of them who has a pink penis. “Why are you black gentlemen completely naked?” he asks. “We’re not black, we are mine workers. We are covered with soot. We are naked because it’s very hot down the shaft so it’s easier to work that way.” “I understand, but then why does this one have a pink penis.” “He went home to his wife for his lunch break.”" +20540,2,"How many Feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they can't change anything." +20541,0,Stop hating on M'Bappe It's a waste of time +20542,3,Why is a broken drum the best gift? It can’t be beat +20543,3,I heard many Fibonacci jokes Every one of them made me laugh like the previous 2 combined +20544,3,I like my women how I like my whiskey... 12 years old and mixed up with coke. +20545,2,So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem? comes out of nowhere. +20546,0,"Unpaid Bills Old Bill tells his friends, “Hey, I bet you $1000 I can convince that guy over there to move that pile of small rocks from there to over there.” “Why would I want that?” “Sounds unnessecary.” “That’s just a waste of time.” They respond. Old Bill goes over to the guy anyway and says, “What’ll it take to get you to move that pile of small rocks from here to over there?” “About $10 dollars per stone.” The guy responds. At this Old Bill gets nervous and tries to get a quick count of the pile of stones. He sees there are fewer than 50 stones. “Alright, its a deal.” The guy picks up a stone, announces “10” and moves it to the new pile, then picks up another, announces “20” and so on until he gets to “470” with the final stone. “That’ll be $470 dollars.” “Alright, well I bet those guys over there $1000 that I could get you to move those rocks, let me collect from them and I’ll give you your cut.” “Hold on,” the guy says, “I don’t care about any bet, you owe me 470 dollars.” “Right, right.” Old Bill says and heads back to the group. “I told you I’d get him to do it. What’d we bet? $1000? Who’s going to pay up?” “Oh, none of us ever took your bet. We only hung out here because we thought it’d be funny to watch you try. Its been pretty boring so far though.” “What do you mean you didn’t take the bet?” Old Bill squealed, “I said I’d pay that guy $10 per rock moved, how am I supposed to make good?” “Oh, now its funny again.” “Haha, yep.” “You’re in it now, buddy. Looks like he’s coming over, com’on guys lets leave these two to work it out.” The groups moves off, laughing." +20547,2,I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof. +20548,1,"NSFW Every time I see a picture of a girl and think ""I'd do her"" I have to remind myself... I'll never get the grade school yearbooks done like that." +20549,4,What's the point of Jewish football? Getting the quarter back. +20550,0,"I told someone that I don't want to ever see him again He just said: You're welcome."" as he took off his mask and surgical glove. " +20551,6,"My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind. I said dad, I'm over here " +20552,0,Adrian Peterson should just quit the NFL and play baseball. He's an excellent switch-hitter. +20553,2,"Family violence A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents also beat him. Custody is then suggested to he given to his aunt, with the same problem: the boy was beaten by his aunt. After realizing that violence was a problem within his family, the judge let the boy propose who should have custody of him. After talking to welfare officials the Judge granted custody of the boy to the New York Giants. Who the boy firmly believed couldn't beat anyone. " +20554,6,"After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, ""what are you going to do now?"" God said, ""I think I'm going to call it a day."" " +20555,1,"A plane lost engines mid flight, a woman stands up... ""Before we crash and die is there any man here that can make me feel like a real woman??"" A man stands up, takes off his shirt and throws it at her. ""Yeah! Wash this""" +20556,0,"Was in a room full of people and the dog walked up and sat right next to me!!! Sadly, I was at the airport and it was a drug dog." +20557,0,NSFW What's the problem... ...with licking a bald pussy? Trying to put the nappy back on. +20558,0,"Mom no!!! My wife worked an adult boutique- like they sell dildos but it's not grungy and there's no booths. My parents were visiting and when they got there she was still at work. So my mom says ""I'll drop her off dinner!"" I of course said she can go in, or I can go in, but we are not going in to the store together. She comes out and is very quiet for a full two minutes and then says, ""some of those look like they'd hurt."" Characters are fictitious." +20559,3,"I'm making a movie about a man who's been cheated on Pissed off at his girlfriend, the man has one goal. He wants to have sex with her one last time, only this time it will be a hate-fuck. He pops a viagra and begins his angry thrusting. Immediately before orgasm he has a heart attack and passes away. The movie shall be titled ""Die Hard with a Vengeance""" +20560,0,"If you really think about it, it is 150% more likely... ...for someone to make up statistics rather than cite real ones." +20561,3,What do you call a person who sells prosthetic limbs for kids? a small arms dealer. +20562,2,"What's the difference between a man and a computer? When a man finally goes down on you, you don't get rid of it for a newer model." +20563,2,"John is going golfing with a friend. On a road next to the fourteenth hole, a funeral procession goes by. John takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession leaves. “Wow”, his friend said, “That was beautiful. You truly are a respectful man.” “Yeah, well...” John replies, we were married for 20 years.”" +20564,1,"Two people are on death row. One says to the other, ""Hey man, what did you do that people thought was bad enough to be executed?"" The other man responds, ""killed and raped 7 young girls at a slumber party. What did you do?"" The first guy responds, ""Its a long story,"" The second man says ""well, I have time"" The first guy starts telling his story. ""Well, I worked in a cough drop factory for a while. Our cough drops were special because they were extra minty. A while ago, this new guy came in, and he started stealing cough drops from my station. The manager though I was doing it, so he started cutting my pay. I tried to explain, but he didn't care. I confronted the guy, and told him he should stop, but he started getting in my face, and a fight broke out. I was originally going to go fishing later that day, but instead I grabbed the fishing rod and started attacking him with it. Then he tackled me, and we fell into a giant pit of where all the cough drops were collected. Since there wasn't a lot of room to whack him with the fishing rod, I started strangling him with it, and eventually I strangled him to death."" The second guy asks,""But, it was only one guy. Why did you get the death sentence?"" The first guy answers, ""Well, because the reel choke was in the cough mints.""" +20565,1,Sick eagles are forbidden by law. They're illeagle. +20566,0,"A journalist went to a mental asylum. he interviewed a doctor. A journalist went to a mental asylum. he interviewed a doctor. journalist - How do you know these patients cured or not ? doctor - Let me show you a demonstration. He called a one patient and show him 5 dollar bill and 100 dollar bill,And then doctor : Take which ever you want the patient took the 5 dollar bill and left. After the interview journalist went to meet that patient. journalist - Don't you know which dollar bill is most worthy ? patient : Yes I know, It's 100 dollar bill. journalist : Then why did you took the 5 dollar. patient : If I took the 100 dollar bill, He won't continue this. " +20567,0,"Keep Calm and… NO!!! If you keep calm, you will never be a Super Saiyan!!!" +20568,2,What is the procedure called when a plant has it's prefrontal cortex removed? A lobotany +20569,1,"A joke for Tony Bennett fans... Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, ""Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."" Larry said, ""Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."" St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, ""I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"" This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, ""Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"" Larry looked around and said, ""No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."" St. Peter looked at him and said, ""Yes, but what about your harp?"" Larry gasped and said, “I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco.""" +20570,4,"Old lady gets pulled over for speeding Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too." +20571,0,"My father didn't talk much about his colon cancer, but he did make it abundantly clear: It's a pain in the butt." +20572,1,"An old woman called her husband during his drive home on New Year's Eve ""Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"" ""It's not just one car, dear. There’s hundreds of them!!!""" +20573,0,My 8 year old today: Who serves the toilet? The buuttt-lerrr! +20574,0,"Doctor: you have cancer Doctor: don’t you mind if I take one I’m thirsty, sir" +20575,1,What's the hardest part of vegetable to eat? The bones. +20576,2,"i think i figured out the word for getting mildly electrocuted shocking, right?" +20577,5,Q. How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. +20578,2,"Three Mexican guys try to immigrate to the US illegally. But they can't figure out where to hide. One guy suggests to dress up in animal costumes and hide in a zoo. They buy monkey costumes put them on and get into the cage with two more monkeys. The zoo workers are suspicious of there being five monkeys in the cage. So they decide to check if they're all real by getting a lion in the cage. If the money is real he will stay calm but if it's not it will run and hide. The lion walks in to the cage and the two monkeys are calm but the guys run and hide behind a bush. The lion slowly walks up to the bush and says ""Don't worry guys I'm from Acapulco.""" +20579,0,What do you call a black abortion clinic? Crimestoppers. +20580,6,"Little bit of dark humour for you! The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'." +20581,0,What's better than participating in the special Olympics? Not. +20582,1,2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland. During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch. After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar. - So how was the game? - I have won 3 to 1. - You only scored 3 goals? What happened? - I was given a red card after 17 minutes. +20583,3,"Little Johnny attended a horse.. Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ""Dad, why are you doing that?"" His father replied, ""Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ""Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.""" +20584,0,"Would Fed Ex and UPS diversify and sell sex toys if they merged? With a new brand name like ""Fed Up Sex"" - probably not!" +20585,3,"A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. ""Do you have any parrots for sale?"" asks the woman. ""We only have one left,"" replies the shopkeeper. ""But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."" The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, ""My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"" The woman is a little surprised by the language but tells the shopkeeper, ""Oh, don't worry. I have two parrots at home and all they do is pray. I'm sure they can teach her the error of her ways."" The woman buys the parrot and takes her home. She takes the blanketed cage into her house and sets it down near another cage containing two parrots, both perched silently praying. The woman lifts the blanket off the cage and instantly the squawking begins. ""My name's Bella and I want to fuck all day!"" The two parrots in the other cage both stop praying and slowly turn to look at each other. After a few moments of silence one of the parrot whispers, ""I fucking told you, we just had to pray hard enough.""" +20586,1,How do you catch a unique bird ? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird ? Tame way unique up on it. +20587,0,Which course have you completed? Intercourse +20588,2,"We called my grandfather ""Spiderman""... He didn't have any special super-hero powers or anything- he just couldn't get out of the bath sometimes." +20589,1,"Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon When they added more, my only question was ""Y""" +20590,1,What do lesbians and chinese people have in common They both like to eat pussy +20591,0,what did the donkey say to his dick? nice donkey dick +20592,3,I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight. It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years. +20593,0,"Ugh I hate cliffhangers, here's why (Not really a joke) It makes me feel so" +20594,0,They ALWAYS do reverse cowgirl in Alabama. How else are both of them going to watch NASCAR? +20595,3,"Little Johnny sells a duck One day a farmer decides to sell 3 of his ducks. He gives one to each of his sons, Billy, Bobby and Johnny and tells them to go to market and see what they can get for the ducks. So Billy goes to market and comes back, and he says to his dad “hey dad!! I got ten bucks for that duck!” “Very good Billy!” His dad replies. A few hours later Bobby comes back from market and in his coolness tells his dad he received twenty dollars for his duck. “That’s great!” Says Bobby’s dad. Well now comes little Johnny’s turn to go to market and on his way a young lady meets him on the road. “Hey” says the young woman “nice duck kid! Say, have you ever been with a woman before?” Little Johnny says no. “Well, for that duck we can change that.” Slyly states the girl. Little Johnny agrees and after the deed is done the woman moans “Wow that was pretty good kid, for round two I’ll give him back!” Well little Johnny is young and full of energy so he agrees and, as agreed he gets the duck back. Eventually he gets to market and the duck flies out of his hands and gets hit by a car! The driver gets and in a rush states “Hey sorry about that duck kid! This twenty five bucks should handle it!” Little Johnny takes his dough and heads home. “Well little Johnny, how much did you get?” “Well dad I, fucked for a duck, got a duck for a fuck and, got twenty five bucks for a fucked up duck!”" +20596,2,"A termite walks into a bar and asks... ""Is the bar tender here?""" +20597,0,"Oscars night, Leonardo DiCaprio walks to the stage... Steve Harvey follows suit..." +20598,1,You CAN decorate your sofa with pictures of Death in a hooded cloak... But there will be grim repercussions. +20599,0,Never underestimate a fart... they always come from behind. +20600,0,"Mark Zuckerberg wears a suit going out... ...thinking nobody is going to recognize him, so he could walk freely. To his surprise, everybody who sees him says ""Hi, Mr Zuckerberg"". Finally, he asks one of them how he had recognized him. ""Nobody tucks his jacket in his trousers Mr Zuckerberg"" the man replies. Sorry for bad English. Not a native speaker." +20601,0,What compass can help you even when it is broken? A moral compass +20602,2,"Instruction The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith." +20603,0,"So a man enters a contest to win a car The host says that he must complete three challenges to win the car. The first two challenges involve difficult mental puzzles, but the man easily and quickly beat them. The host announces the last challenge to the contestant. ""To win this car, you must wait in line to get to a bowl of punch"". The contestant replies with: ""But, there is no punch line""." +20604,1,Menstruation jokes are not funny Period. +20605,3,"The deer hunters Two guys are going deer hunting the next morning. They're over at one guy's house cleaning their rifles and sighting the rifles in, when the first guy says to the second ""Hey, there's a naked guy in your bedroom with your wife!"" The second guy hands him two shells and says,""Here, shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."" The first guy hands back a shell, and says,""If that's what you want I think I can do it with one shot.""" +20606,2,"What’s big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table" +20607,6,Today i got in touch with my inner self That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper +20608,0,I like my women like I like my wine 15 years old and locked in the cellar +20609,9,"Two monks are taking a shower together. Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap. Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching. Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue. When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis. The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap ""Its a machine to get a bar of soap!"" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar. But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away. Suddenly the third nun shouts: ""Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!""" +20610,2,"With the announcement of the first picture of a black hole, scientists have confirmed once you go black you never do come back" +20611,0,Why are womens feet shorter than mens? So they can stand closer to the sink. +20612,2,Idiocracy is showing on Syfy and CNN right now. +20613,6,How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit into your wife's clothes. +20614,0,"Hey why are you here looking at that girl? I thought you were studying abroad? No, I said a was studying a broad!" +20615,1,That's a nice ham you got there... It'd be a shame if you put an 's' in front and an 'e' at the end of it. +20616,0,"My father was struck my lightning twice My friend asked how he felt after it happened. I said ""heavy, I buried him the next day.""" +20617,2,The puzzlebox said 2-4 years.. But I did it in only 3 months. +20618,0,"A man at a bar says 'I'll bet you a beer I can prove that Usain Bolt is slightly slower than the average person!' Another person at the bar takes him up on the bet, and the first man says: 'Every human is half centaur, which implies that every human is one quarter horse. The average quarter horse has a top speed of 30 mph, which means that Usain Bolt is slightly slower than the average person.'" +20619,0,Where do prostitutes go when they fall sick? Whorespital. +20620,3,"It's very easy to clean yourself to the tune of ""Uptown Funk"". Don't believe me? Just wash." +20621,3,How does JFK clear his head? He goes for a car ride. +20622,1,What do you call gay guys foreskin? Mudflaps +20623,1,"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth. -Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society" +20624,2,"We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself. We must remember the past, or history will always repeat itself." +20625,2,"Why can't astronauts eat popsicles? In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck." +20626,1,Why are all the people on xbox who banged your mom 12 Cuz salt is a preservative +20627,5,"I went to a topless bar last night I was having a great time, until it started raining." +20628,2,I can't stand it when homeless people shake their cups of money at me. Do they have to rub it in that they have more money than i do? +20629,0,"Once a woman said If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. " +20630,1,Two peanuts walking down a street One was a salted.... +20631,2,"My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better. She just started rolling them tighter." +20632,5,"Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.” “What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”" +20633,6,"Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in ""The Crown""? She probably gets royalties" +20634,3,One great moment in school. Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! \\*Walks away\\* +20635,0,"I'm no fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are. And to those who are, 'denigrate' means 'to put down.'" +20636,0,A nut is chasing another nut then shouts... I'm a cashew! +20637,1,Why are nuns celibate? It's hard to get out of the habit. +20638,3,"She came to me during the night… Licked me, bit me, sucked me, had her fill… Then she left… I was hurt… Fucking mosquito. " +20639,0,How do you call A place where you can buy anything and you get asked many Questions? AMAzon +20640,0,What do you call a monk that fights like an ape? Father +20641,2,What’s the difference between a chef and a homosexual? One stirs today’s food and the other stirs yesterday’s. +20642,2,"A priest, a pastor and a rabbi talk shop. A priest, a pastor and a rabbi were seated at lunch during am Ecumenical congress. After a short period of weather talk they soon were talking shop. ""So, I was wondering how you guys go about distributing the collection monies between the church and God"" said the priest. ""What we do is draw a big line in chalk on the floor, throw the money in the air, and all that falls to the left is spent on the church and all that falls on the right is to do God's work."" ""Well, we do something quite similar"" said the pastor. ""Only, we draw a circle and whatever falls outside the circle is for God's work."" ""You guys over-complicate this"" said the rabbi. ""I just throw the money in the air, and what Yahweh wants to have He can grab for Himself""." +20643,1,What do two bisexuals tell each other when it's time to leave? Bi bi! +20644,0,"An angry man walks in to a shop with a dog poo in his hand He shows it to the shopkeeper and yells ""Look at what I almost stepped in just outside your shop door!""" +20645,2,"If Dave has 4 oranges in one hand and 7 in the other, what does Dave have? Big F***in' Hands" +20646,1,I overheard it was my co-worker’s birthday tomorrow so I wished her a happy birthday eve. She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow. +20647,0,"I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread... Upon closer inspection I realised it said, ""Thick cut""" +20648,2,Recycling in the UK is getting very serious... Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers. +20649,0,American girl in Germany. Ok. So this Californian girl decided to take a summer trip to Germany. So she's in Germany and doesn't know how to speak fluent German and she's driving on the autobahn and she's been driving for about 8 hours and is tired and doesn't want to check in to a hotel. So this woman sees a truck stop and pulls in and decides to rest. A couple of hours pass by and she is awaken by this loud truck and this trucker guy steps out and doesn't see the woman in the car and he opens his zipper and is taking a leak and the woman looks up and says gross and the German trucker guy turns around and smiles and says thank you and continues on his route. (Lol get it? Gross = big in German. Lol.) +20650,4,"The new machine in the gym is great! It has Chex Mix, Oreos, Snickers, everything!" +20651,1,"My son just told me he is.. My son just told me he is .. adopted. I said ""Hi Adopted, I'm not Dad""" +20652,4,My new girlfriend told me I'm horrible in bed. It's unfair to make that judgement in less than a minute. +20653,2,"Sexual technique Three guys are talking about sexual technique. The french guy says ""after I have made love to my wife, she says she feels as if she is floating"". The new age guy says ""after I have made love to my partner, she floats six inches above the bed"". The australian guy says ""I don't know about you guys, but after I have made love to my missus and I wipe my cock on the curtains, she hits the roof""." +20654,0,"Canadian Rapist Canadian Rapist: Bwahaha, im gonna rape you, im gonna wreck your pussy!! Girl: No please no! Canadian Rapist: Ok, im sorry." +20655,1,"Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society But there wasn't much to discuss. " +20656,1,What do you call mixing coffee and hard liquor? Getting ready for work. +20657,4,"Dead crows on the highway The RCMP have found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted there was a lack of paint on the bird's beaks and claws suggesting that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The RCMP then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout ""Cah"", not a single one could shout ""bike""" +20658,5,My girlfriend's dad called me a pedophile just because I'm 34 and she's 23... ...he totally ruined our 10 year anniversary. +20659,2,People call me Ruthless... ever since my grandma died. +20660,2,"My friend at work complained the IT department is so slow, every time she creates a ticket it takes them a month to get to it. I told her if you wanna get a message to IT, you've got to post it on reddit." +20661,0,Cows just recently started saying moo. It was part of a moovement. +20662,10,Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence . +20663,0,"What do you call a 1,000 pound woman sitting on a bar stool? A half-ton pickup." +20664,0,If lemonade is made from lemons... ...what do they make Gatorade out of? +20665,1,"A muslim walks into a bar The bartender asks ""what will you have?"" The Muslim replies ""shots for everyone""" +20666,0,What do you call someone that steals a joke from someone else on reddit? A reposta! +20667,0,"One day Dave goes up to Frank at work ""Hey buddy,"" says Dave, ""do you know anybody at work who has Alzheimer's?"" ""Why do you want to know?"" asks Frank ""Because I need to borrow some money,"" says Dave." +20668,4,"Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar... ...and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt. He says to his friend, ""Aww man. My wife is going to kill me. She's going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight."" His friend says, ""Don't worry I have a plan ."" He tucks a $20 bill in the man's shirt pocket and says, ""Just tell your wife that it wasn't your fault, and it was some other guy who puked on you, but was nice enough to give you 20 bucks for your cleaning bill."" So the puke-covered fellows stumbles home and in the process wakes his wife who as predicted is incensed at the deplorable state of her husband at this late hour. He states, ""Honey it wasn't me. There was a guy at the bar who puked all over me and gave me a 20 to get the shirt cleaned up. Just look in the pocket and you'll find the money."" She checks his pocket and finds two twenty dollar bills there and asks, ""Where the hell did the second bill come from then?"" He smiles at her and replies, ""That's from the other guy who pooped in my pants.""" +20669,0,Whats so free about the Freemasons? You have to lift the apron to find out +20670,0,"Don't ignore the talking iPhone, I mean it, it's very siri-ous." +20671,3,"A woman is standing in line at a grocery store... In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes ""I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!"" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says ""James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."" A while later the kid goes ""GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!"". His grandfather says ""James, just be patient."" The kid then goes and throws the food out of their cart. The grandfather calmly says ""James, relax. We're gonna go home soon."" When they leave the grocery store, the woman that was behind them goes up to them. She tells the old man ""I have two kids of my own, and I just wanna say you have a very good temper and clearly love your grandson very much."" Then she looks and the boy and says ""James, you're very lucky to have such a great grandfather."" The old man says ""Actually I'm James. This piece of shit demon child is Max.""" +20672,0,"A Cow Walking,Newton Stopped it. NEWTON’S LAWs: A Cow Was Walking, Newton Stopped It..He Stopped,, He Found His 1st Law.. “An Object Continues To Move Unless It Stops” . . He Gave A Force By Kicking The Cow It Gave A Sound He Formulated The 2nd Law.. “Force,F=MA” . . After Sometimes Cow Gave A Kick To Newton,, Then He Formulated 3rd Law.. “Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction”" +20673,2,"“Officer, you can’t write me a ticket. I have to run a marathon tomorrow.” Cop: Stop playing the race card." +20674,1,Good things come to those who wait. As long as you’re not waiting for the bus. +20675,0,What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare You can make a pun with rabbit's hare. +20676,2,"Lunch An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language and bad behavior of the workers there and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk to them about goodness, kindness and God. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: ""Hello brothers, do you men know Jesus Christ? They shook their heads and looked at each other .. very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, ""Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"" One of the steelworkers yelled down, ""Why?"" The worker yelled back, ""Cause his wife's here with his lunch.""" +20677,1,How did the Cold War end? Global Warming. +20678,0,Ghosts are terrible liars. You can see right through them. +20679,3,"Between 200 pounds of bricks and 200 pounds of feathers, 200 pounds of feathers is heavier 200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you'll also have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds" +20680,4,"Police Officer: ""How high are you?"" Pothead: ""No officer, it's ""Hi, How are you?""" +20681,3,communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it +20682,0,I have a buddy who always dresses up as a Mushroom for Halloween.... We call him Fun Gus +20683,5,"Donald Trump goes to Germany Donald Trump is on his first state visit to Angela Merkel in Berlin. After a bit of small talk, he asks Merkel, which is the secret of her great success. Merkel tells him that you only have to have many intelligent people around you. ""How do you know so fast, who is intelligent?"" Asks Trump. ""Let me demonstrate."" Merkel answers. She reaches for the telephone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: ""Mr. Schäuble, it is the son of your father, but its not your brother, who is it?"" Without hesitation, Schäuble answers: ""Very simple, that's me!"" ""Look,"" says Merkel to Trump, ""so I test the intelligence of the people around me."" Trump flies back to America enthusiastically. At home, he immediately called his vice-pence to him Question to ask: ""It is the son of your father, but is not your brother, who is it?"" After a long pause, Pence says: ""I have no idea, but I will try to figure out the answer by tomorrow!"" Pence just does not care and decides to seek advice from former President Obama. He calls him: ""Mr. Obama - it is the son of your father, but its not your brother, who is it?"" ""It's easy, that am I !"", Answers in Obama. Happy to have found the answer, Pence calls at Trump and says triumphantly: ""I have the answer! It's Barack Obama!"" Trump yells at him, shocked: ""No, you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble !!!""" +20684,1,What do you call it when an egg sleeps with his girlfrind before breaking up with her? Humpty Dumpty. +20685,2,How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up like an altar boy +20686,1,My girlfriend asked me if we could explore her denial kink more. I said no. +20687,2,I only jack it in the shower Sorry I have to cum clean +20688,1,What makes a juice joke so funny? The punchline +20689,0,"What did the dyslexic bank robber say? ""AIR IN THE HANDS MOTHER STICKERS! THIS IS A FUCK UP!"" " +20690,0,Osama Bin Ladin Osama Bin Ladin must’ve been pretty angry when he found out it was 72 Virginians. Almost as angry as George Washington. +20691,1,"My elderly neighbor has grown children. In her backyard, quite impressive." +20692,1,Two visionaries walk into a bar... which is stupid 'cause the second one should've seen it. +20693,2,What did the D say to the B Nice belt +20694,2,Where can you find a dog with no legs? In the same place you left it. +20695,0,"The Ass Slapper One day during a couple's sex, one of them suggested an idea to spice things up... F: You know what would really be hot? M: What? F: You slapping my ass as you're busy driving me to poundtown. The boyfriend was surprised by his partner's request as he always had regular sex with her. Having heard this, he was extremely aroused and did not hesitate to slap his partner's ass repeatedly. The sex continued until tomorrow morning; it was evident that the couple had a fetish toward this type of sex. However, being curious, the girlfriend started to find suitable male candidates for her to peg while she slaps their ass repeatedly like her boyfriend does. One day, having found one, she pegged the guy and simultaneously slapped his ass like there was no tomorrow. She was addicted to it and wanted it more. However, she noticed that there would be a very red hand mark that's redder than her's on the guy's thighs and she felt puzzled as she would only slap the ass and not the thighs. When she finished her pegging session, she hurriedly went back home as she could not wait to get her ass slapped by her boyfriend. F:Honey, I'm home! Let's have sex. M: Yes, please. As the couple almost completely strip themselves naked, the boyfriend starts to laugh... F: What's so funny? M:I think I'll be gentler this time. F: Why? M:I didn't know that hand mark I left on your thighs would still be there." +20696,4,"A joke walks into a bar The bartender says ""Cool! I never meta joke before!""" +20697,0,What’s green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint +20698,0,Why are campers so predictable? You know they're in tents. +20699,1,What do Italians eat for holloween? Fettuccine Afraid-o +20700,1,"Im really bad at culinary terms, Char, sear, flambe, caramelise, scorch. It's all Greek to me." +20701,2,What is white on the top and black on the bottom? Society. +20702,0,What do wizards use to stop annoying itches? Quidditch. +20703,0,"Roses are red, violets are blue You don't wanna know the sick things I'd do to you." +20704,0,What do you call someone who's technologically challenged? A computee. Sorry reddit. +20705,0,"TIL that moons can have moons... and they're called ""mormons""" +20706,7,So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop How fucking cool is that for someone her age? +20707,2,"This is traditional food in my country! ""But Abdul, this plate is empty."" ""__I know!__""" +20708,3,"Deaf Sex Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times. " +20709,1,"3 POW were being held in a British camp 3 POW were being held in a British camp; a German, a Japanese man, and an Italian. The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, ""So? Did you talk?"" The Italian, being injured and subsequently muted in the war, signed back to them ""How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back!""" +20710,3,I went bald early in my life. But I still have my comb. I just can't part with it. +20711,1,"The girl started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a wasp inside me!” The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation. After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to be reached. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young sir would permit.” The boyfriend agreed that he willing to do whatever it took to get the wasp out. The doctor said, “Okay, what I suggest you do is rub some jam over the top of your penis and insert it into your young lady. When you feel the wasp getting closer to the tip, withdraw it and the wasp should hopefully follow it out.” The boyfriend agreed, but was so upset and nervous that he was unable to rise to the occasion. “If neither of you object, I could give it a try,” suggested the doctor. The boyfriend nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, please just get on with it!” The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in jam and mounted the woman. Her boyfriend watched with alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out. The boyfriend, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted: “Now, wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” “Change of plan,” gasped the doctor. “The wasp is in too deep. I’m going to try to drown the little fucker.”" +20712,3,Why don’t you ever see a hippo hiding in a tree? Because they’re good at it. +20713,2,Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly... ..there was a jam +20714,2,What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS? RICE-IS +20715,0,Why does Middle Eastern civilization have no major accomplishments? . +20716,0,What is an African Elephant? A frickin' elephant. What else would it be? +20717,1,Stephen Hawking walks into a bar It’s a miracle +20718,0,"Did you hear about the new Cops spin-off set in Russia? It takes place in the most dangerous areas of the country. So dangerous, they don't even issue the officers sidearms, opting instead to have them carry AK-47s. It's called Kalashni-Kops." +20719,2,I have a Russian friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too. +20720,1,"Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation! Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House. " +20721,7,"A young family moved into a house... next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them ""gems-in-the-rough"" more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars ""pay"" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: ""I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."" ""Oh my goodness gracious,"" said the teller, ""and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"" The little girl replied, ""I will, if those assholes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn sheet rock.""" +20722,0,"Garden of eden Why are we so sure that Eve was African? If she were white, she wouldn't have eaten that apple! She would say, ""Is this organic? What would Oprah do?"" If she had been Asian, she'd have eaten the damn snake!" +20723,1,What’s black and white and red all over? A panda that’s been sliced in half. +20724,1,Bubonic plague inflames your lymph nodes. But pneumonic plague helps you to remember things +20725,0,"A half-Japanese , an Englishman , an Egyptian , and a French guy walk into a bar and order 4 iced teas It was very bizarre" +20726,2,What do you call a well-endowed Asian man? Hung Lo +20727,0,Can salmonella be cured by eating salmon? Or is salmonella caused by eating salmon? +20728,1,"Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping next to you, and be glad that you're alive? I don't." +20729,0,Did anyone else notice that The “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor +20730,5,"A mafia capo caught his wife with her lover at his house. He grabbed the guy's hair and pulled him outside where a big black Mercedes was parked on the driveway. Behind the wheel, there was a huge bald guy wearing shades. Fuming Capo opened the back door and shoved the frightened guy on the back seat. ""Take this piece of shit to the woods and fuck him in the ass!"", than he slams the door shut. Two seconds later the doors lock clicks and car pulls out of the driveway. They ride in silence for the first couple of minutes. ""You're not going to do it for real, right? "" lover asks, his voice shaking. But the driver just keep driving, eyes fixed to the road. ""I mean, we're not fags, are we? "" the guy asks again with a nervous laughter The driver just staring in front of him in dead silence. ""Hey, I've got an idea! Lets just both say you did it and I'll give you a thousand bucks. How does this sound?"" The bald guy just drives in silence, but suddenly his phone rings. He picks it up and listens to the caller without saying a single word, than he hung up. The car brakes sharply, turns around and drives backwards. In ten minutes they are back at Capo's house where he holds another guy kneeling at his feet on the driveway. Capo opens the back dooor, throws the second guy inside yelling ""And shot this motherfucker in the face!"". They drive for fifteen minutes in absolute silence when the tree line appears on the horizon. Then our Romeo gently taps the driver on his shoulder. ""Hey... don't forget... I'm the one to be fucked in the ass""" +20731,0,Why do women close their eyes when they are having sex? Because women don't like seeing a happy man :/ +20732,2,"A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar... The bartender says ""If you're not freaking out about Net Neutrality right now, you're not paying attention.""" +20733,5,"I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing. I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish." +20734,0,Why did the baby cross the road? Because there was no more womb on the other side. +20735,2,There are japanese car parts falling from the sky here It's raining datsun cogs +20736,0,"Jukebox Remorse: How would've people in the 50s responded to the song ""Photograph""? Hey, I want my Nickel back!" +20737,2,Mountains aren't just funny They are hill areas. +20738,4,"I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was, ""Too drunk."" He should really stop drinking on the job. " +20739,2,What do you call a heartless thief A redditor +20740,0,Just came back from the Introvert Protest 'twas a quiet riot. +20741,0,"A Russian officer is giving his cadets a lesson about chemistry. He says: ""Cadets, write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°."" One of the privates replies, ""Comrade praporshchik, you're mistaken — it's 100°!"" The officer consults his handbook, and then announces, ""Right, 100°. It is a *right angle* that boils at 90°.""" +20742,0,I only just realised that El fron Stranger Things grows up to be Kylo Ren. Can't believed I missed it +20743,1,If you understand how Bruce Lee felt while stoned and reaching nirvana... You'd be in a high Lee enlightened position +20744,5,Do you know what two words can wreck a man's life? I do. +20745,0,A horse walks into a bar... A horse walks into a bar. Everyone leaves seeing the potential danger in the situation. +20746,0,"Hey, are you interested in capitalization, mate? ""No, why?"" ""Because that makes the difference between you helping your uncle Jack off a horse... and your uncle jack off a horse.""" +20747,2,"Contagious Once upon a time a teacher in a little school in South Virginia gave her 2nd grade students a small homework assignment. It was to listen for the word contagious and share the story with the class the next day. The next day the teacher asked ""so did anyone hear the word contagious?"" A few hands shot up. The teacher called on Sal. ""When me and my mom went to visit grandma in the hospital my mom said, ""grandma is very contagious, make sure to wash your hands after we visit."" The teacher clapped and called on Bob next ""My dad and I saw a dead rat on the side of the street. Pa said it might have a contagious disease."" The teacher clapped and called on Jimmy next. ""Yesterday my pa and me saw an old lady painting a big barn with a tiny little brush and me pa said ""it's going to take that contagious to finish painting that barn.""" +20748,1,A dyslexic Sanders supporter was kicked out of the botanical gardens He kept trying to peel the ferns. +20749,2,"Husband goes golfing every Saturday morning with the same foursome. But he’s always home by 2 o’clock so his wife puts up with it. This one Saturday, 2 o’clock comes and goes. Three, four, five; still not home. Finally at 6 o’clock he comes staggering through the front door. He’s dirty, he’s sweaty, he looks totally exhausted. His wife exclaims, “Oh my God! What happened to you?” “Honey, it was terrible! There we were on the first tee and Harry fell over dead from a heart attack.” “That’s terrible!” she said. “Tell me!” he says. “All day long, it’s take a shot, drag Harry! Take a shot, drag Harry!”" +20750,1,What's Goliath's least favorite state capital? Little Rock +20751,1,It's hard to argue with a barista. They know how to hold their ground. +20752,2,What's a neckbeard's favorite country? M'laysia +20753,3,Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? Otherwise it would have been called the Teethbrush. +20754,0,"A band is on a street corner setting up to play. A band is on a street corner setting up to play. Just when they're ready a man walks over and tells them to play his favorite song and he throws five cents into their bucket. So they play the song for the man the best they can. After they finished the man walked over and said, ""That was horrible, give me my nickel back"". The singer looks over to his band mate and says, ""that's a great band name""." +20755,0,"A patient is at the doctor's office... and he asks the doctor ""How long do I have to live, doctor?"" The doctor says ""Five"" The patient says: ""Five *what*, doctor?"" Doctor: ""Four, three, two..."" *I'm watching Deadpool again and just heard this joke. Thought it was funny.*" +20756,0,"A length of string walks into a bar The bartender shouts at him, ""get out, we don't serve string!"" So the length of string hangs out just outside. He asks a passerby, ""could you please roughen up my edges?"" The stranger obliges. He asks the next one, ""could you please tie me up?"" Our friend walks back into the bar. The bartender bellows out, ""hey, didn't I tell you we don't want any string in here?"" And the string says, ""I'm a frayed knot."" " +20757,1,"SeaWorld was recently bought out by white supremacists. ""Oh no, notsea world!""" +20758,2,Two men walked into a bar You'd think at least one of them would've ducked. +20759,7,I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door. +20760,3,I have a friend named Oedipus. He's a real mother fucker. +20761,5,"Einstein, Newton and Pascal... ... were playing hide and seek. Einstein started counting so Pascal ran off to hide, but Newton simply drew a square on the floor and stepped in it. Einstein shouted ""Ha, found you!"", to which Newton simply replied ""Nope, 1 Newton per square metre, you found Pascal!""" +20762,2,"The phone rings.... A man answers: ""Hello?"" ""*cough, cough, achoo*"" ""Who is this?"" ""*cough, achoo, cough, cough*"" The man slams down the phone. ""Damn cold calls.""" +20763,1,I like my women like I like my plastic bags Degradable +20764,0,"What is the Difference Betwen Erotic and Porn Erotic uses a feather, Porn uses the whole Chicken" +20765,1,What does Spock use for birth control? Vulcanized Rubber +20766,2,"Trucker tries to find a hooker A male trucker walks into a bar. He goes up to the counter and asks the bartender whether he knows how to find some hookers in this town. The bartender answers: ""no sir, there are no hookers in this town. But we got John and he's only 12 bucks"" The guy, really sexually deprived after some lonely days on the road, says to himself: ""i can't take it anymore, i guess john will have to do"" So he asks the bartender: ""Okay then, where can i find this gentleman"" Bartender replies: ""Ah its not that easy, first you have to go to the mayor and pay him 6 bucks because he doesnt really like things like that"" Trucker: ""well okay, then i guess he must do it for 6 bucks right?"" Bartender: ""no, its a bit more complicated. 4 bucks are for me, because i dont like things like that happening."" Trucker: ""Does he really prostitute himself for only 2 bucks?"" Bartender ""No, the last 2 bucks are for michael and frank who have to hold on to john, because john really doesnt like things like that"". " +20767,5,A magician lost a leg during his performance. The audience was suprised he could pull it off. +20768,0,What are Jewish vampires with gluten allergies most afraid of? Garlic Nazis +20769,2,"I have been diagnosed with CDO Its like OCD, but just in the right fucking order." +20770,3,My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water” I know he means well. +20771,0,"A drug smuggler is at the U.S./Mexico border, waiting to get by. Nervous, he barely slides through after befriending the borderguard, and ends up going drinking with him. They have such a wild time, when the drug smuggler makes it to the drop off point, he's forgotten where he hid the drugs. First they check the trunk, but it's empty. Then they check inside the tires, and find nothing there either. Out of ideas, the man goes out drinking with his new friend knowing he'll have hell to pay once his boss finds out about his fuck up. ""What's the matter dude, you're not looking too well."" ""I fucked up with work and lost something, and I can't find it anywhere."" His friend, knocking back a shot, slams the glass on the counter and says to him, ""I think I know where you lost it."" Paranoid he's been found out as a drug dealer, he nervously asks him ""Oh, really? Where?"" ""Up your ass and around the corner!""" +20772,0,Christianity The story of an affair that got seriously fucked out of hand +20773,3,[NSFW] [NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America. +20774,0,"A man goes to the pharmacy to buy laxatives for his wife. The man asks the pharmacists where the laxatives are so the pharmacist says ""To the right, on the bottom shelf, you'll see a green box that says Dulcolax"". The man sees the box and sees a pink box right next to it saying ""Woman's laxative"". The pink box was three times cheaper so the man takes the box and asks the pharmacist, what about this? This is not for me, it's for my wife. The pharmacist replies, in that case you can take that, it's the same shit." +20775,0,The longest (in a row) I haven't watched porn is 6 years I started when I was 6 +20776,0,What's the point in underwater mammals? They serve no porpoise +20777,1,You would think a Pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet is... You would think Pirates favorite letter in the alphabet would be the R Truth is - Pirates actually love the C +20778,3,Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of their dogs +20779,2,I had to quit my job as a butcher. I backed into the meat grinder and got behind in my work. +20780,0,"An Alabama man kills his wife, cousin, niece, and aunt. How many people died? One" +20781,3,"Some Minnesotans went to hell. They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl." +20782,0,"If you have a choice between ugly or fat If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this. You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark." +20783,3,My favourite type of lingerie My favourite type of lingerie is when it's on the floor... Much to the annoyance of the store clerk +20784,2,"Strangely Named There were once three children, whose names were rather unfortunate The first child was named ""none of your business"" The Second child was named ""Manners"" The third child was named ""Trouble"" Trouble was lost, so none of your business and manners went to the local police station for help, manners was terrified of the popo, so none of your business went in alone. A policeman was waiting near the entrance. Policeman: Hello, what's your name None of your business: None of your business Policeman: Hey, where's your manners None of your business: They're don't wanna be here Policeman: Are you looking for trouble? None of your business: Yup" +20785,0,This is your caption speaking The sub will begin to go in an upvote direction +20786,1,Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Barium astatine manganese! +20787,4,How do farmers count their cows? With a Cowculator!! +20788,1,What's a horse's favorite dance move? The neigh neigh +20789,0,"2 people get into their car and begin to drive with their car 1 person begins at point a and goes to point b. The other person begins at point b and goes to point a. They both start their journey at exactly the same time time, and they both drive an average speed of 75 miles an hour on a rural highway. Where do they meet? At the hospital!" +20790,3,I like my coffee how I like my slaves. Free. +20791,0,"Two girls get drunk at a party... ...and end up in a gang bang with a bunch of lads. In the morning they wake up on the couch severely hung over and one says to the other, ""My mouth feels like the bottom of a parrots cage"" The other replies, ""I'm not surprised. You had a cock or two in there last night""" +20792,1,If someone was shot in a chapel... ...would that count as a mass shooting? +20793,7,How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin. +20794,0,What's the hardest part of a cabbage to eat? The wheelchair. +20795,0,"Guy out on a date.... Guy out on a date: ""Hey Yannie what do you want to drink?"" Laurel: ""WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!"" Guy: ""Laurel, Laurel I said Laurel...""" +20796,0,Why are hipsters good in school? Because they did homework BEFORE it was due. +20797,5,"My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason... " +20798,0,"An Englishman, Irishman & Scottsman walk into a bar........ The Irishman walks up to the bar and asks for a pint of Guinness ""oh feck"" he shouts ""I've left my wallet at home"" bartender replies ""no problem, tell you what if you go upstairs and fuck my wife I'll give you free drinks all night"" Irishman says ""ok"" and heads upstairs as he opens the bedroom door all he sees is the most fattest ugliest woman ever she's covered in scabs too, he says ""feck this I'll just go home and get my wallet"" so he leaves the bar. Next the Scottsman walks up to the bar and orders a double whiskey ""Oh Shite"" he shouts ""I've left me bastard wallet at home"" ""no problem"" exclaims the bartender as he makes the same offer as he did to the Irishman, the Scottsman walks upstairs opens the door and says ""fuck that, I'll just go home and get my wallet"" he then leaves the bar. Next the Englishman walks up to the bar and orders a Pint of Carling ""Oh bollocks"" he shouts ""I've left my fucking wallet at home"" ""no problem"" exclaims the bartender as he makes the same offer as he did to the Irishman and the Scottsman, the Englishman walks upstairs opens the door takes a look and walks into the bedroom closing the door behind him, he walks over to the woman picks off all of her scabs puts them in a bag and throws them out of the window, then he gets down to business, half an hour later he leaves the room with a sense of pride and accomplishment and strides downstairs to collect on his free drinks. Sometime later the Irishman and Scottsman walk back into the bar after collecting thier wallets rubbing their bellies and licking their lips, the Irishman says to the Scottsman ""tell you what that was a lovely bag of salty pork scratchings we found outside""................." +20799,0,Why was the little strawberry sad? Because his mother was in a jam! +20800,0,Give a man a cookie.. And he will ask for more. +20801,3,"A man walks into his doctors The man says ""doctor help me I think I might be turning into a horse"" The doctor says ""well have you had any symptoms"" The man says ""neigh"" " +20802,2,"A boy is buying his first motorcycle His mother is mortified that after saving up all through highschool he's going to risk his life and buy a motorcycle in college. She asks him why he wants to ride and he replies ""Because it's cool, I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life"" His mum took that to heart. So off the boy goes with his dad to find a bike. They search the local dealerships and finally find a nice Kawasaki KLR650, and the boy rides home infront of his dad with pride. When they arrive at their house, they see a woman straddling a Harley in full leathers, hair windswept like an 80's metal guitarist, blasting Alice In Chains from the boombox on the ground beside her and puffing on a cigarette. The boy gets off his bike, takes off his helmet and walks up ""Mom, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"" to which his mum replies ""I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life, besides - it's cool"" The boy shakes his head and walks inside. Hoping that he'd learned his lesson, his mom returns the Harley and leathers, puts her hair down and goes to explain to him that image doesn't mean everything. A few years later, the boy dropped out of college and stopped talking to his family. His mom got worried and found out he'd joined a biker gang. Mortified, she went immediately to their club to confront her son. She goes up to the door and it's opened by a huge bearded monster, covered in tattoos and scars. She takes a drag on her cigarette, pushes her crazy hair behind her shoulder and says ""I'm here to join your club"" The giant biker can she's got no tattoos, makeup done, she's just playing dress up but decides to humor her ""Okay then, but you've got to meet the requirements - first: do you have a bike?"" Mom gestures with her cigarette towards the Harley, the biker nods and says ""second, how much do you smoke?"" Mom pulls two empty packet out of her pockets before she finds the full one, lights up three more and takes a drag on all at once, blowing the smoke at the giant biker The biker nods and says ""third, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"" Mom is silent, thinking for a second and finally replies ""Yes, and I've been swung around by my nipples too""" +20803,1,Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors. 11 secrete herbs and spices +20804,2,"In a survival situation you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can." +20805,0,A woman walks into the butchers and asks ”how much is the pigs head in the window?” The butcher says “that’s not a pigs head it’s a fucking mirror” +20806,0,"Two blondes get a horse Two blondes get a horse each. -""how will we tell who owns which?"" Asked blonde 1. After a long time of thinking blonde 2 said, -""I'll cut the tail on my horse so then we'll know!"" Next day both horses are missing a tail. -""how will we tell which is which now?"" Asked blonde 1. Blonde 2 was thinking again for a while and said, -""I'll cut an ear on my horse so then we'll know!"" The next day both horses are missing an ear. Blonde 1 asks blonde 2, -""how Will we tell which is which now?"" -hmm... I'll take the black one, you take the white one""" +20807,3,Why is it common practice for sumo wrestlers to shave? So they don’t get mistaken for feminists. +20808,3,"Funny and long (semi-dirty) A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’." +20809,0,What is higher than 5 but lower than 6? High fives! +20810,0,"There's three types of people in this world... Those that can count, and those that can't." +20811,1,Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was too tired. +20812,0,Islam Is a religion of peace +20813,3,"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says ""fuck off, you won't bring it back""" +20814,0,Many a man owes his success to his first wife. And his second wife to his success. +20815,2,"Job interview: ""What's your greatest weakness?"" ""Honesty."" ""I don't think honesty is a weakness."" ""I don't give a fuck what you think.""" +20816,0,Trump is elected and Mexico agrees to pay for the wall under two stipulations. A maxinum height of 1 foot and Trump's resignation. +20817,2,What do you call it when midgets give each other head at the same time? 34 and a half. +20818,3,What do call bleaching your asshole? Changing your ringtone! +20819,0,What's better than winning a Silver medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. +20820,2,What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto +20821,2,"Three brunettes and a redhead walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says ""Hey Hey Hey! What's goin' on?""" +20822,5,I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest It's his altar ego +20823,2,What do you call a fruit that’s very sympathetic? A compassion fruit +20824,3,Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter? A: They could get chapped lips! +20825,0,I've finally succeeded in creating a zombie rabbit. The results are hare raising. +20826,4,They said that the Super Bowl was going to be exciting. But that was a LIII. +20827,4,"Super bowl tickets A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.     If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6"", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."" *this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle. " +20828,1,"I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles Now I have SoCal anxiety" +20829,1,Why did the skeleton cross the road? He had a bone to pick with his neighbour. +20830,1,I used to hate maths when i was a kid But as you get older you realise that decimals have a point +20831,1,What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini +20832,1,Why does being a waiter in Israel suck? None of the men have any tips to speak of +20833,0,"Did you hear about Joe Shitz? He didn’t like his name, so we went down to the name changing place. He said to the teller, “ I want to change my name”. “What do you want to change your name to?” replied to teller. “Fred”, Joe replies. “FRED...!.., I can understand changing your last name but why on earth would you want to change your first name?“ Exclaimed the teller. Then Joe said “I’m just tired of people saying hey Joe whaddya know?” " +20834,1,What kind of food should you order while in r/Pyongyang? The banh mi +20835,3,So I live next door to a man with Alzheimer's... Every morning at exactly 8am he knocks on my door and asks if I know where his wife is. Every morning I get to tell him that his wife has been dead for years. Every morning this happens like clockwork. I thought about moving. I thought about not answering my door. I thought about calling his family to see if it's time for him to have around-the-clock care. I decided not to do any of these things because every morning when I tell him his wife is dead... He has the biggest smile I've ever seen. +20836,0,"The joke that 100% is sending me to hell Jesus: Hey moses, how's the 10 commandments going Moses: Well nothing's really set in stone yet, but -- Jesus: Moses, it *literally* is -- Moses: Oh FUCK OFF Jesus. ""*Oh look I can walk on water*"". Judas showed me a painting of you. Wanna know what I said back. Jesus: No. Moses: ""*Nailed It*.""" +20837,0,"What do you call a place where people never wanna go, but are also dying to get into? A graveyard." +20838,0,"Scientist have found a new form of gold, There is Gold (Au), Iron Pyrite (Fools Gold), and now Reddit Gold (Digital)." +20839,3,"My therapist told me I should write letters to the people that I hate, and burn them. So I did. But what do I do with the letters?" +20840,0,I barely survived a camping trip last weekend. It was intense. +20841,1,When I get naked in the bathroom The shower usually gets turned on +20842,1,How Would You Describe the A.I. for a Robotic Dog? A bitch to program. +20843,3,"Mermaids Son : Dad, are mermaids fish or women? Dad : It depends whether you're hungry or horny." +20844,2,"Chill! It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this: 8:00 I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman. 8:15 So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest. 8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf. 8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on. 8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. 8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, ""Snowballs?"" and am called a sexist. 8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter. 9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather. 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. 9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot. Moral: Learn how to chill...especially in cold weather! " +20845,0,If you jumped off the bridge in Paris... ...you’d be in Seine. +20846,1,"A Jewish Rabbi, Hindu Pujari, and Evangelical Christian Pastor all arrive in a small town.... A Jewish Rabbi, Hindu Pujari, and Evangelical Christian Pastor all arrive in a small town holding a regional religious exchange conference. However, upon arriving at the very last motel on the edge of town at the same time, the manager says, ""I'm sorry gentlemen, but I only have one room left, and it only sleeps two. However, I may have a solution for you. The old farmer across the street lets us store old furniture in his barn, and one of you could sleep there for the night, free of charge for a man of the cloth. The men agree and set about deciding how to arrange the accommodations. The Indian man says, ""Oh, I grew up on a farm and still think of them like a second home. I'll happily stay in the barn."" The other two men settle into their beds, and about twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door; it's the Indian man: ""I'm so sorry, my friends, I did not know there was a cow in the barn. We revere them, you see, and it would be entirely inappropriate for me to sleep among them."" So the Rabbi says, ""Well that's ridiculous, but I understand. I grew up in a small village, and am no stranger to the country. I'll stay in the barn."" They all retire, but twenty minutes later there is a knock at the door; it's the Jewish man: ""I'm so sorry, gentlemen, but you didn't tell me there was a pig in the barn. They are unclean animals, and I can't even eat out of a kitchen where pork has been prepared, let alone sleep in the same room as one!"" So the Evangelical, with no option remaining hesitantly volunteers to sleep in the barn himself. Twenty minutes later there's a knock at the door; *it's the cow and the pig*. " +20847,0,What happens when you put Root Beer in a Square Glass? It just becomes beer +20848,0,"A heroin addict has overdosed and died, So a friend of the deceased is giving the eulogy at the funeral, saying; ""He died doing what he loved. Heroin.""" +20849,2,A 9 year old kid asks his dad what is sex? A kid asks his dad what is sex? The dad stares at his wife and tells her it's time to tell the truth. The dad explains everything about sex to the kid. The stunned kid asks the dad - omg! How do they expect me to write all of this stuff in such a small space in the application form. +20850,3,What happens if you cross a snowman and a vampire? You get a frostbite. +20851,4,"I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control. Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard" +20852,1,"Some guy came up to me and said ""I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 years"" I said, ""you're full of crap""" +20853,3,What is the difference between AC and DC? AC Hertz more. +20854,1,Americans have some weird slang... Like calling shooting ranges high schools +20855,0,How did the seaman cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning. +20856,3,"A Stark, a Lannister and a Bolton walk into a bar The bartender says, ""What can I get you, Lady Sansa?""" +20857,1,what do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby? chess nuts boasting in an open foyer +20858,1,"AXE products claim if you smell good, women will be all over you, but that can't be right I've never had any problems with my nose and I'm still single." +20859,1,Just saw a poster for a film. In big lettering it said: Don't Knock Twice. If only Jehovah's Witnesses used that idea. +20860,2,"A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat. 'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!' 'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly. 'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can't kill someone who reminds me of her!' So he jumps to the husband with the knife. 'And you, what's *your* name?' he questions the husband. The husband replies with a trembling voice: 'My name is Philip, but my friends call me Elisabeth...'" +20861,3,"Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition. I wish everyone a happy 2016!" +20862,3,How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom. Leave all of the dresser drawers slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out. +20863,0,"What do a magician say to a fisherman ? Pick a cod, any cod !" +20864,0,COMPUTER CHAT What did one computer say to the other? 010101101010101010101 +20865,0,Kazakhstan has people with the lowest blood pressure in the world... It’s probably because they have so much potassium. +20866,0,Something as small as a virus can kill a human. We're all wimps! +20867,1,"A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell's soup I for one hope this guy goes away for m'mm m'mm good." +20868,1,What's the best way to ensure that Asia's senior citizens' pension programs are financially sound? Sufficient amount of youth in Asia. +20869,3,I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now. +20870,2,"Salon and Fast food The hair salon near where I live, has a special offer where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your color to set. . . It's called ""Eat crap & dye""." +20871,0,"‪Did you know Dr. Suess wrote a book about your mom?‬ Oh, The Places You'll Hoe.‬" +20872,0,What's better than winning the Special Olympics Not being retarded +20873,2,Planned Parenthood as a train: Conductor: “All Aboorrttttttt!” +20874,1,"waiter and customer Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?! " +20875,2,"Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene. When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, ""That's round John Virgin."" " +20876,3,"The police are looking for a racist attacker I phoned them up, but apparently it's not a job offer." +20877,0,"I had no sex 1 year before my championship fight Not that it gives me an edge, I just haven't had sex for over a year now." +20878,2,She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. +20879,1,The one problem with shower sex. The drain is metallic. +20880,4,A friend of mine told me that sex after a vasectomy would hurt. But to be honest I haven't noticed a vas deferens. +20881,0,"Son caught his father masturbating. 7 years old son came to the living room and saw his father wanking. -Dad, what are you doing? -Don't ask son, you'll soon do the same thing. -Why dad? -Because my hand hurts already." +20882,2,How do you make a kilogram of fat appealing? Put a nipple on it +20883,2,"A man sees a little boy sitting on the curb He watches him as he takes a M&M, pops it in his mouth and swallows it, picks up his kitten and bites it. Stands up walks 10 feet down the street, sits down, pops a M&M, bites the cat and moves another 10 feet. The man watches him for a bit as he repeats this over and over. Finally the man walks up and asks him what he is doing. ""Playing truck driver"" says the boy. ""Truck driver?!?!"" "" Yep, I'm poppin pills, eating pussy, and moving down the road!""" +20884,2,"Two drunks are at a bar having an argument..... Two drunks are are in a rooftop bar having an argument about politics, sports, trivia and what ever is on tv. When one drunk looks at the other and says "" Did you know that the updraft is so strong between these buildings that if you jump off, it will blow you right back to the top?"" ""Bullshit"" says the second drunk guy ""I will prove it ""says the first drunk He goes to the edge and jumps off. He goes almost to the ground and them he comes right back to the roof. ""See, what did i tell you"" the drunk says The second guy goes to the edge, jumps and splatters all over the sidewalk below. The first drunk walks back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender looks at him and says, ""Superman, you sure are a mean drunk""." +20885,2,"My 10 year old just opened a childproof pill bottle “Welcome to adulthood, son.”" +20886,6,I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee... He even said it was a new record. +20887,2,Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678 +20888,3,What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles. +20889,3,"What’s the difference between a Scotsman and The Rolling Stones? The Scotsman says “Hey Macleod, get off my ewe!!” I’ll see myself out. " +20890,2,What do you call a baby turd? A dumpling. +20891,5,Why don't anteaters ever get sick? They're full of anty bodies. +20892,2,"Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson... The Rock always beats scissors." +20893,3,What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? A hearing with the ethics committee and a revoked veterinary license. “Elephino...” you disgust me. +20894,5,Face is a four letter word… But preface is a foreword letter… +20895,2,"It turns out, Dolphins intelligence is second only to man. This means women drop to third place." +20896,2,What is Donald Trump's favourite nursery rhyme? Barack a bye baby +20897,2,"Bullseye One of the best marksmen of the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI agent asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. ""This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen,"" said the FBI agent. ""How in the world do you do it?"" ""Nothing to it,"" said the idiot. ""I shoot first and draw the circles afterwards."" " +20898,1,What did the stoner ask the ocean? How much for a gram of seaweed? +20899,0,What's the difference between jam and peanut butter? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass. +20900,0,What is the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice. +20901,0,"Why are African Americans bad firefighters? I mean, the answer is pretty self explanatory. Ya know, black people and water don't mix." +20902,0,I'd tell you a joke about thorium... But it would be quite shocking. +20903,1,Why were the classified documents crying? They had very sensitive information. +20904,0,If I had to describe the invention of the whiteboard in one word... ...I'd call it remarkable. +20905,0,"4 Guys and a Bunny 4 friends were walking on a road until a bunny stopped them. The bunny said that he will kill all 4 of the guys unless each of them go into the nearby forest and bring back 10 roundish fruit. The 4 friends went into the forest in search of 10 round fruit. The first friend came back with 10 apples. The bunny said, ""Shove them all up your ass and you are free to go."" The first guy began to put each apple into his butt but he died by the fourth apple. The second friend came back a bit later and brought with him 10 oranges. The bunny gave him the same orders but the 2nd guy died after just 3 oranges up in his butt. The third friend came back bringing 10 grapes. The bunny told him what to do and the guy started plucking each grape up his butt one after the other. When he got to the final grape, he drop dead started laughing. He was laughing so much that he ended up dying of laughter. The third friend met the first two friends in heaven and the two friends asked him, ""Why the hell did you start laughing? You were almost there, just one more grape to go!"" The third friend replied, ""I know, but right when I was about to put the last grape up my butt, I saw our last guy coming down the hill with 10 pineapples.""" +20906,2,"My cat, Schrodinger went missing I don't know if she is dead or alive. EDIT: Forgot to add, this actually is happening right now :(" +20907,2,So there’s this restaurant with really great food on the Moon. But there’s no atmosphere at the place. +20908,1,John Delaney must be a socialist Because he loves getting publicly owned +20909,0,Did you hear about the history professor who got fired just for passing out in a chair? If it had been the chair of any other department he'd probably still have a job +20910,3,What do star wars and the U.K. have in common? They both abandoned the EU +20911,2,There should be a female only sport in the Olympics called Conclusions. Women jump to them every day. +20912,4,What kind of shorts does a cloud wear? thunderwear +20913,5,"Confused Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail. The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, ""I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"" ""Perfectly,"" he said. He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass... seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the guys are getting away, the first lover says ""I thought you understood the plan!"" The second lover said, ""I did! I did exactly what you said!"" ""No, you idiot,"" he replied. ""You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!""" +20914,1,"I've always use straighteners, but they somehow never work for me. ...I'm still a lesbian." +20915,0,"Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood." +20916,0,"A Senior Citizens Memory ... Crap, I forgot the Joke... But it was good I tell ya'" +20917,0,Why did the undercover cop throw a wasp nest at the drug dealer? It was a sting operation. +20918,2,"One engine on a plane is failing... So the pilot comes over the speaker and says 'Unfortunately the plane won't be able to handle all of the passengers without crashing. We will have to start removing passengers from the plane giving them parachutes and pushing them out until we reach our ideal flying weight. We will choose people alphabetically by their ethnicity. We'll start with Africans!' A small dark skinned boy pulls on his dad's sleeve and says 'Isn't that us?' and the dad replied ''shhh not now' 'Next up: Blacks!' Again the boy asks if they're going now and also again the father disregards the sons inquiry 'Any Colored People are next!' Very impatient the boy bugs his dad for an answer as to why they haven't gone yet. His dad's response was: 'Well son, today and only today, we're ni**ers!'" +20919,0,"Donald Trump got into a car accident. At the time of the accident, police determined Trump was at fault. Trump, however, disagreed with this assessment and the case went to traffic court. When Trump was called to provide his testimony, he stood firm with his reasoning: ""NO COLLISION!""" +20920,3,"I once farted in an apple store, everyone got mad. It's not my fault they don't have windows..." +20921,2,I finally get why Santa's elves are small Most of our mass produced presents are made through child labor +20922,3,You hear about bees being wiped out by the millions - why don't ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies. +20923,0,"I don't hate you But if you were on life support, I'd unplug you to charge my phone." +20924,0,"In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store advertisement for women's bras and panties reads ""The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for yourself.""" +20925,2,Magic trick My special trick is to eat two bits of string and they will come out my bum tied together. I shit you knot! +20926,0,I know a guy who is an atheist with dyslexia. It's terrible. He absolutely believes there's no such thing as a dog. +20927,0,The MOMA announced that they were opening a new section in the museum for art from Madrid. Nobody expected the Spanish exhibition. +20928,1,What do you call a trombone that was born into the body of a trumpet? A ***TRANS***-^bone. +20929,0,"Call me once, shame on you Call me twice, ""New phone. Who this?""" +20930,0,Why couldnt Sally swing? She had no arms Why did Billy drop his icecream? He got hit by a bus +20931,0,"A renowned doctor was addressing a class of graduating medical students. ""Soon you will go out into the world,"" he said, ""and you will have to weigh the cost of your education against the size of your fees. For myself, I felt it was best to specialize. Now I charge $500 an hour for house calls, $200 an hour for office visits, and $100 for advice over the phone."" ""Hey Doctor,"" called out one of the students, ""how much do you charge if you pass one of your patients on the street?" +20932,1,"If you don't have a condom, put a stone in your shoe.. .. .it'll make you limp." +20933,2,"I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent. His catchphrase is, ""the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw"". Edit: Rick Shaw, not Rock Shaw. Autocorrect." +20934,1,I became an architect just west of Japan. It was a bad Korea choice. +20935,0,"BOB A gay couple Billy and Brian were together. Billy wanted to make a tatoo to celebrate the relationship. He decides to draw a B on each side of the butt. Later at home, he got down on all four on the bed, wainting for his beloved one. Brian arrived and saw his butt and, very angry, said: Are you cheating me? Who the hell is BOB?" +20936,1,Why did Lt. Lenk and Sgt. Colborn cross the road? To put the bones on the other side. +20937,2,"What did the zero say to the number eight? ""Nice Belt""" +20938,4,I don’t understand why people pay so much to go to college when they can get a wife and get free lectures day and night +20939,1,"A blind man with a seeing eye dog, walks in to a bar He picks the dog up by the tail and swings it around the room. When the bartender asks why, the man responds, ""I was just taking a look around.""" +20940,2,"So a guy and a girl are making out and begin having sex on the hood of her Honda civic, suddenly the man stops. He said, im sorry i can only only have sex on my own Accord" +20941,1,"Theres a star wars joke here if you wanna fucking read. Knock knock Who's there? Jack Jack who? No no no , we can't go back to Jakku! " +20942,0,What do you call a female pilot's vagina? A cock pit. +20943,0,"So I slept with my barber recently... The next time I went in to get a haircut, she asked me which head was due." +20944,1,"Elephant encounter A man visits his doctor because his asshole is the diameter of a basketball. He tells the doctor he was raped by an elephant. The doctor tells the man he's not familiar with the anatomy of elephants but he's pretty sure that they have long, thin penises. The man tells his doctor that he's right, but the elephant fingered him first." +20945,3,"Guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems... Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms? Guy: Yeah, Homers the fat one and Marge has big blue hair " +20946,2,What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano? Bach Lava +20947,1,Why was 7 arrested for homicide? Because somebody divided 14 into 2 and he was the prime suspect +20948,6,"Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems."" Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."" ""We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist."" said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!” With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said. “But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”" +20949,0,I just purchased Snapchat's Shares !!!! But Can't seem to find them !? +20950,0,I like jokes about Canadian whisky I have a rye sense of humor. +20951,0,I dont think we should make jokes about the Holocaust. My grandfather died at Auschwitz... ...He fell off a gaurd tower. +20952,3,I might have Alzheimer's... ...but at least I don't have Alzheimer's. +20953,1,You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record.... He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997. +20954,3,What do you call a feminist name generator? Nomenclature. +20955,0,The Walmarts in our area are sold out of moth balls. We'll have to do it the old-fashioned way with little nets and a tiny pair of scissors... +20956,1,"I posted a ""Donald Trump walks into a bar"" joke to see if it's going to be labelled as ""Politics"" or ""Walks into a bar"". Turns out it's ""Religion""." +20957,2,What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water? Do you have what it takes to be a liter? +20958,1,Last week I ran my first marathon Everything went smoothly and the runners had a great time +20959,0,What is the difference between terror and democracy? The side the United States is on. +20960,1,Busrides are good for your character. They keep you grounded +20961,3,"A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing... ...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. ""Well, I'm parched!"" he announces. ""Back in a verse,"" he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope as he witnesses the miracle before him. His wonderment only grows when the humble priest stands up as well, saying, ""I think I'm going to grab one of the sandwiches myself. Would you like anything, your holiness?"" The Pope simply waves him on, unable to summon words at the sight of even the priest walking along the lake's placid surface. Moments pass before the Pope comes to a realization. *Why, I am the most devout and steadfast believer of all! If the Lord has seen fit to grant the ability to walk across water to even my priests, then surely I can, too!"" He stands up, summons all his faith, and steps over the edge of the boat... ...before promptly flopping into the water. As his two fishing partners pull him out, the priest says to the bishop, ""Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones?""" +20962,2,"A down on his luck magician takes a job on a cruise ship and the captain has a parrot. Every time the magician does a trick the parrot squawks out the secret ""Raawwwt he hid it in his sleeve"" or ""He's hidden behind the mirror. He's hidden behind the mirror Raaaaawttt!"" thus always ruining the illusion. One day the ship sinks and the magician finds himself stuck on a plank floating in the ocean. To his surprise the parrot lands next to him and stares at him for 3 straight days. It finally says ""I give. What'd you do with the boat""?" +20963,0,Why doesn't Tumblr like any games consoles? Because they're just not PC +20964,0,What does it would be called if there's a huge wave with full of dead bodies? Tidal Gore +20965,0,"A tea party is held on a beach (Original) Around ten people sat around, each bringing their own type of tea for the group to enjoy. And then of course, the guy wearing the throwback Nike hoodie has to speak up to say he misses the nine teas." +20966,5,What's Donald Trump's spirit animal? The wall-rus. +20967,3,"A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library. A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: ""Book!"" Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's request. If it doesn't know what it's asking for, it won't complain, so why not assume it does? She brings over a book, and as she suspected, the chicken grabs it with its beak and drags it out of the library. The next day, to her surprise, there's a chicken again. It's the same one. It orders: ""Book, book!"" In equal parts amused and bewildered, the librarian complies with the request, giving it two books, which it drags out of the library as before. The same happens the next day. The chicken comes in and orders: ""Book, book, book!"" The librarian gives it three books, and it drags them off. This continues, day by day, until the chicken is ordering dozens of books at a time. The librarian is confused and concerned - why is this chicken independently ordering books and not bringing them back? So she decides to close up for the day and follow the chicken to wherever it's going. She has to follow at a safe distance - which lengthens her journey considerably because, of course, a chicken dragging a bag of 25 books is going to be very slow-moving. Eventually she tracks the chicken to a pond. Oh no, she thinks, the chicken is throwing the books into the pond. This is just like that goose. But no. The chicken calls, and a frog hops out of the water. The chicken presents the books to the frog, one by one... and the frog says, each time: ""Read-it. Read-it. Read-it.""" +20968,2,"The kids learn to cuss . . . A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, ""You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss"".  The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ""When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass"". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ""Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios"". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ""You can stay there until I let you out!"" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ""And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"" ""I don't know"", he blubbers, ""but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios.""" +20969,1,"Lube It's important, I shit you not." +20970,0,"A cute little duck waddles into a bar. Hey barkeep can I have a flippen rum and coke? You can use fowl language you know...say's the barkeep, You are a duck after all." +20971,1,Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. +20972,2,Did you know they give out Viagra at nursing homes? It stops the patients rolling out of bed. +20973,0,"I don't quite understand why Roald Dahl fans are rejoicing I don't quite understand why Roald Dahl fans are rejoicing with some of his most famous made-up words, like ""Oompa Loompa"", being added to the Oxford Dictionary. It's the little things, I guess." +20974,5,"Politician dies.... While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher  up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then  you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the  elevator and he went down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other  politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the  people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.They are having such a good time that before he realizes it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises.... The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven. 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the  MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.   What happened? The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning - Today you voted’." +20975,5,What has 200 legs and 40 teeth? The first row at a Trump rally. +20976,0,Why did I tell a joke to a person with Down Syndrome? Because he looked down. +20977,3,How do you organise a space party? You planet... +20978,0,What school do hipsters go to? Precool +20979,1,"After work, I volunteer to help blind children Btw verb, not adjective" +20980,0,"Replace the ""I"" in six With an ""E""" +20981,0,"When god says he’ll be with you forever, it’s a sign of his love. But when I say I’ll be with you forever, it’s a sign of a restraining order, huh?" +20982,0,Why did Stalin send hot dogs to his people in the winter? Because hot dogs go good with cold slavs +20983,0,"What do you say to the skateboarding Guru? Hey, that trick was really Sikh!" +20984,2,"A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient... Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be." +20985,2,"A guy in a bar overheard someone say: ""If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."" Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left. It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting ""I want to succeed! I want to succeed!"". After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says: ""Ok man, ok... I'm Sid.""" +20986,3,"The other day, my friend told me his penis was so big that it went from A to Z. I told him to stop putting his dick on his keyboard or I'm never fixing his computer again." +20987,2,Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side. +20988,2,"A guy wants to get laid A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel and has his way with her. The next day he doesn't feel right down there so he goes to get checked out and finds out that he has crabs. Enraged he goes back to china town and finds the same girl super upset he tells her. BITCH you gave me crabs. She replies what do you expect for 5 Dollars Lobster." +20989,0,What is Uncle Ben's favorite condiment? Aunt Mayonnaise +20990,0,My favorite country star's good songs are about being bad and his bad songs are about being good I'll always love Jason Aladeen +20991,10,An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery Slaves are given food and housing. +20992,2,"A man finds a ladder, seemingly disappearing into the sky... [NSFW]-ish He begins to climb, getting higher and higher not knowing where the ladder will go. He passes by a very average looking woman, who says ""Keep on climbing to success"" and he figures ""Why not?"" He keeps climbing and reaches another woman, this time far more attractive than the first, she says ""Keep on climbing the ladder to success"", so he does. Next he reaches a stunning woman, 10/10, who says seductively, ""Keep climbing the ladder to success"", excitedly, he begins rushing until he reaches the top where lying on top of a platform is an old, nude man. He then proclaims ""Who the hell are you?"" and the man replies ""I'm Cess"". ---- This was one of the first adult jokes I heard when I was younger. " +20993,0,What do cats and awkward conversations have in common? Lots of paws. +20994,0,What do you call a gay koala? A homosupial +20995,0,"Did you hear the Duchess of Sussex is in a lot of trouble? If you've seen the tabloid headlines lately, you know that Meghan Markle is in a lot of trouble. You could say she's royally screwed." +20996,2,"A guy gets on a crowded bus. The seats are full, except one empty seat next to a very attractive nun, so he decides to sit next to her. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and storms off the bus The bus driver approaches the man and says, ""There is a way you can screw that nun. Every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ""Oh, Lord!"" the nun screams. ""Take me with you!"" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ""Ha, ha! I'm actually the man from the bus!"" ""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume. ""I'm actually the bus driver!"" " +20997,2,"Do you ever see ice and then tell yourself... Ah yes, Erected water" +20998,0,"A man goes to the doctor - Sir, you will have to stop masturbating - why doc? - because you are in my office" +20999,2,I'm in a band called Tiptoe. You probably haven't heard us before +21000,0,"A Jamaican Lawyer in a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. The attorney approached her and asked, ""Miss Ivy, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes of course me know you, Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wat a big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more Dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!""The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ""Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?"" She looked over at the defense attorney and replied, ""Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal relationship with any woman 'cause him a battyman unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror member)!!Yes sah, me know him well."" The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment. The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, ""If either of you rassclawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu bumbo-clatt inna jail fi contempt." +21001,0,Why did russia win in World War 2? Because Stalin was stallin' +21002,1,Why is it called sexting and not textual reproduction? +21003,1,"There are 3,141,592 parallel universes where I have sex with yo momma.. Strangely enough in every single one of them she’s so fat..." +21004,3,How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go play on our bikes. +21005,0,What do you call a couch that goes both ways? Bi-sectional! +21006,2,I seem to have lost my mood ring I'm not sure how I feel about it.. +21007,0,What WWII front line were the Germans attracted to? The Magnet Line. +21008,3,What is Harry Potter's favorite way of going down the hill? Walking . Edit: JK ROWLING +21009,4,What does a ceiling fan say? Go ceiling! You’re number 1! +21010,0,So a horse walks into a bar... And many people leave because that is a safety hazard +21011,0,"After years of research and expedition, an archaeologist finally locates a book of legend... The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the university's brightest minds. A researcher of Astrophysics, who had led the field for many years and had produced many papers theorising cosmic events was first. The archaeologist told him to ask the book one question, and to document whether the response was accurate. The astrophysicist thought for a moment and asked the book ""What was existence like before the Big Bang?"" The archaeologist opened the book and showed the physicist, and he instantly went insane and began scrawling equations on the nearest pad of paper, mumbling distressed words to himself. Shocked and uneasy, but willing to see his research through, the archaeologist moved on to the next researcher, a leading professor of Mathematics. She had produced many papers and interpretations on numbers themselves, and the human interpretations behind ever-growing sequences. The archaeologist asked the mathematician to ask the book a question. The mathematician barely thought for a second. ""How can a human being best visualise infinity?"" The archaeologist once again opened the book and showed it to the mathematician. Her eyes widened in shock and confusion and she, too, went insane immediately. She ran out of the room yelling, back to her notes to make sense of what she'd seen. Shaken but persistent, the archaeologist turned to the final volunteer. He was one of the world's most highly regarded philosophers, and had spent his whole life researching different views and interpretations of a variety of philosophical debates. The philosopher knew the process by now, and confidently asked: ""What is the meaning of life?"" The archaeologist opened the book and showed the philosopher. The philosopher stared at the book for a moment or two, and broke down. He began sobbing, and began whispering ""I knew it, I knew it..."" over and over. The archaeologist was understandably shaken at this point. Understanding the now obvious risks, his curiosity overcame him. He turned the book on himself and asked the book: ""How was Stone Henge created?"" With false confidence he thrust the book open and braced himself for whatever answer might be announced. The book was empty." +21012,1,"How many dead hookers does it take to replace a light bulb? At least more than eight, the light in my basement still doesn't work..." +21013,2,"What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar? You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you." +21014,2,If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive They will eventually find me more attractive. +21015,2,I'm thinking about joining a gang... that way I always know what to do with my hands in pictures. +21016,2,I got a $900 fine and a month of community service for urinating in public... If you ask me it was a harsh punishment for only a wee crime. I'll see myself out. +21017,1,"A guy is walking down the road... When he finds a ladder going straight toward clouds. He climbs it and finds a really ugly, disgusting woman. Who are you? He asks. Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success. He climbs further and finds an average looking woman and asks her: ""Do you want me to fuck you?"" ""Fuck me or climb the ladder to success"" she responds. He climbs the ladder once and again and finds a stunning, beautiful woman. ""Fuck me or climb the ladder to success"" she says instantly. She figures the girls are getting hotter so he climbs up and to his surprise there is a fat, sweaty middle aged man waiting. ""Who are you?"" the guy asks dissapointed. ""Im Cess.""" +21018,1,I've recently discovered how amazing russian roulette is It's absolutely mind blowing +21019,0,How did The Donald win? He played his trump card. +21020,2,The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic! I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing. +21021,10,"I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes. The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, ""Is that a poo in your hand?""" +21022,5,"A guy walks into a bar, and gets an apple. A guy walks into a bar, sits front and center on the bar and asks the bartender for a Rum and Coke. The bartender looks at the guy, reaches under the bar, and tosses him an apple. The guy with a confused face says ""I asked for a Rum and Coke."" Which the bartender replies ""Take a bite, trust me."" He goes for the bite, and to his surprise it tastes like Rum. The bartender still looking at him says ""Turn it around"" The guy takes a bite from the opposite side. ""Oh my god, it tastes just like Coke!"" A few seconds later another guy walks inside. ""Can I get a Gin and Tonic"" The bartender places another apple on the bar ""Enjoy"" The guy looks at him and complains, ""I asked for a Gin and Tonic"" To which the first guy replies ""Trust Me, you'll like it"" He takes a bite, ""Wow! This tastes like Gin!"" The bartender looking at him ""Turn it around..."" The guy goes for the second bite, ""It tastes like Tonic, this is my new favorite way to get drunk!"" A third guy walks in, straight to the bar, and sits down. The first guy tells him ""No matter what you want, this guy has an apple for every taste, order one"" With a doubtful face the guy asks the bartender ""In that case, do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"" To which he replies ""*Do I have an apple that tastes like pussy*..."" He puts an apple on the bar, ""You mean like this?"" The guy grabs it, takes a huge bite and immediately spits it out. ""It tastes like shit!!"" The bartender with a smirk on his face ""Turn it around.........""" +21023,5,"John: ""Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."" James: ""Since when is Mike your best friend?"" John: ""Since yesterday.""" +21024,0,How many republicans does it take to fix a leaky faucet? None - they will just blame Obama and then go on vacation. +21025,0,"A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ""I don't think I am."" POOF! The horse disappears. This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse." +21026,1,"The year 2050: ""Hey honey, want to go to mars today?"" Nah, I don't like the atmosphere." +21027,1,What do Terrorist Witches ride? Boomsticks +21028,0,I got stabbed in the lungs today... It was a breathtaking experience! +21029,3,It would have been weird if they made prosthetic boobs way back when Wooden tit +21030,2,What's a car's favorite genre of literature? [OC] An auto-biography! +21031,8,What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry? Popcorn +21032,3,Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something? But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet. +21033,2,"A man goes to a doctor, and the doctor begins examining him. After a short while, the doctor stands up, takes a deep breath, shakes his head and says ""I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stop masturbating"". ""Why?"" asks the man. ""Because I'm trying to examine you""." +21034,1,Have you heard about the new prequel for the exorcist? it's called *the orcist* +21035,0,How can you tell if a music stage is leveled? When the drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth... +21036,1,"The US military wanted to draft one of three people, an electrician, an engineer, and a politician. All three were asked why they should be able to stay with their families: The electrician said, “If you draft me, who will work on your vehicles and weapons when they are broken?“ The engineer then followed with, “If you draft me, who will build the vehicles and weapons for the electrician to work on when they are broken?” The politician then said, with a slight grin, “If you draft me, your vehicles and weapons would be completely useless.” Everyone stared at the politician, and eventually the engineer asked, “why is that?” “Well,” said the politician, “Someone has to be the reason the war started.”" +21037,0,"Why is the midget submarine captain quieter than normal? No reason, really. He's just a little sub dude." +21038,0,"The husband asks his wife to tell him something to make him both happy and sad. Bored out of his mind, a husband asks his wife to tell him something to make him both happy and sad. After a short time of contemplating she turns to him to answer, ""You have the biggest dick out of all your friends"" The man smiled, then that smile faltered, he got what he asked for. PS: I simply remember this joke, I will not take credit as it isn't original. I have forgotten where I got it from, hehe...oops." +21039,1,Why do Saudi Arabians never catch up on the latest news? They all live under Iraq. +21040,0,What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos. +21041,2,Ban pre-shredded cheese Make America grate again +21042,2,I was worried my watch broke. It froze for a second. +21043,0,What do you call Hitler with a six-pack? Hotler. +21044,1,Do you know why God made Adam and Eve white? Ever try taking a rib from a black guy? +21045,0,"A room is filled with 20 people but there are 24 heads, how is this possible Only 4 of them are guys" +21046,4,"On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?” " +21047,1,A blonde was being attacked by a bird so she finally caught it And to punish it she went to the top of a skyscraper and threw it off the edge! +21048,2,Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said: Have you tried essential oils? I hear hyperactivity is a vaccine injury. I'm calling CPS. +21049,1,I once tried to control a nation by simply walking around with a vegetable on the end of my penis... I learned this trick from other dick taters. +21050,0,Why Are Cats Bad Debaters? Because they're always pussyfooting! +21051,0,"What's the difference between tuna, piano and glue You can tuna piano but you cant piano a tuna And dont bother asking, I already know your stuck on it." +21052,0,"Reddit Reddit A chicken walks into a book store going ""book, book, [pause] book, book"" After a time it selects a book and leaves. This goes on day after day until finally the store owner follows it. Off the go through town and down to the river bank where the chicken drops the book. A frog jumps out of the water and on to the book, it looks at the title then at the chicken and goes ""Readit, Readit."" " +21053,2,"A new gynaecologist just opened near my area but, people are saying he is deaf... I guess he is a really good lip reader..." +21054,1,"So a teen asks his crush to the prom, which she agrees to On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit. However, once he gets there, there’s a line, so he waits....and waits...and waits... After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage. When he gets to the flower shop, however, there’s an even bigger line, so he waits...and he waits...and he waits... Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff. So he waited...and waited. Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom. But there’s a line to get into the school, so they wait... and wait... At last, they are in the prom and dancing away. After a while, they get thirsty. So they head for the refreshment table only to find out..... There’s no punch line" +21055,0,"What's the difference between a pile of babies, and a Lamborghini, a trampoline, Pokémon, and my sister? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage, I take off my shoes when jumping on a trampoline, you can actually catch all them pokemans, and I don't sleep with my sister... I'm (partially) sorry..." +21056,1,I decided not to make my own mayonnaise. I didn’t want to whisk it. +21057,4,There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'. But how did they get this name?.. Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall... Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting... ''Where the Fakawi?'' +21058,1,Why was the textual scholar absent from work? He woz [sic]. +21059,0,NSFW What’s the warmest organ in a Dead hookers body? My penis +21060,2,What type of fruit loves chocolate the most? A Coconut. +21061,3,Recently I was attacked by a gang of mimes They did unspeakable things to me +21062,10,"A prostitute? Awesome!!! Irish Prostitute Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!" +21063,2,Looking for r/Jokes Rewind 2018 All I can find here is 2015s jokes. +21064,5,"Son, have a vodka with me! - No, thanks, dad. - Come, have a drink with your father! - Dad, I'm 5. - Dad is shitfaced but he insists: - Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: - Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! - Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)" +21065,0,The white house press releases are pretty funny. In fact they're downright Hilary-less. +21066,1,"My Late Grandfather's Favorite Joke One day a man went to a fortune teller and poured his heart out to him. ""Oh man my life is a mess. My wife left me, I got laid off and I'm unemployed, my family has cut me off and hates me and everything is going to hell! Please tell me, what does my future hold?"" The fortune teller pulled out his crystal balls and waved his hands around it before coming to his verdict. ""I see a great improvement in your life in 30 years time. Yes... a great improvement indeed."" The man's eyes lit up. ""That's wonderful! What's going to happen in 30 years that'll make my life so great?"" ""Nothing"", the fortune teller replied , ""But you'll get used to it by then.""" +21067,1,"Just like people, I never judge a book by its cover... Unless that cover is brown. In which case I roll up my windows and lock my car doors." +21068,1,what does your dog and anne frank have in common? an average lifespan of 15 years +21069,0,What's the difference between the US Army and The ISIS? The US Army has been vastly more successful in targeting and killing civilians. +21070,0,It all. Makes sense now. +21071,0,"My fiance and I were looking at plays to go see... She says, ""Huh, this one contains nudity."" I respond, ""You know what else contains nudity?"" ""What?"" ""My clothes.""" +21072,0,Why did the barons hat have to be patched? Because he baroque it +21073,2,2 blondes go to disney world They see a sign that's says Disney World left. They start crying and head back home. +21074,0,"Why do women have legs So they can go to the kitchen, the bedroom and back" +21075,1,What do you call a potato who's kind of an asshole? A dick-tater +21076,0,"As a guy, i watch a lot of porn. But sometimes the same big boobed blondes or tiny screaming Asians get old. So i try new things, i stumbled upon some dinosaur porn. It was super weird, but it gave me a huge t-rection" +21077,3,How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land? Guide dogs leash gets loose +21078,0,"A man called ""Username"" decides to go shopping. Username makes his grocery list, and goes to the store. He grabs the items he needs and then goes to the payment area. He strikes up a conversation with the cashier, but before he has a chance to finish their conversation, Username checks out." +21079,1,Oldie But Goldie - Don't Lose Your Pen! * Lost your pen = no pen * No pen = no notes * No notes = no study * No study = fail school * Fail school = no diploma * No diploma = no work * No work = no money * No money = no food * No food = skinny * Skinny = ugly * Ugly = no love * No love = no marriage * No marriage = no children * No children = alone * Alone = depression * Depression = sickness * Sickness = death * Lesson: Don't ever lose your pen Note: This is an old joke. Thought about the first time I heard it and it was pretty humorous for me. Hope you all enjoy it as well. +21080,0,Why can't single women fart Because they don't have an asshole until they're married. +21081,1,How would you describe Bran from GoT in three words? Stark raven mad. +21082,1,Now that the Wild Boars are all safe... ...Thailand maintains its reputation of happy endings. +21083,0,This election you can vote for harambe by ... Putting green paint on your penis and lightly pressing your man stamp on the ballot. Dicks out for harambe. +21084,2,"John is going to be married to a woman he had loved so much On their honeymoon the woman said ""I'm sorry I kept this a secret but I was Christian before"" John then said ""Whatever your religion is, I don't care as long as I love you"" the woman then explained ""No, my name is Christian before, now I'm Christine""" +21085,8,I don't trust people with graph paper... They're always plotting something. +21086,1,The kids are always laughing at my stupid jokes... But I'm really not dad funny. +21087,5,"Catholic school girls A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ""Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"" She giggles and shyly replies, ""Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."" Peter says, ""Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."" St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, ""Well, once I fondled and stroked one."" St. Peter says, ""Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ""Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"" The girl replies, ""If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.""" +21088,2,"Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about ""the birds and the bees."" So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive" +21089,0,Doctor! Doctor! I feel weird! I think i can see the future! “This since when?” “Next Friday!” +21090,2,I try to avoid sexual innuendos But it’s hard. Soo hard. +21091,0,"If I became a Superhero, my name would be Later Man Whenever a problem arises, I’d say “that sounds like a problem, for Later Man!” " +21092,1,What do you call a crazy bug on the moon? A luna-tick. +21093,2,"A man was out celebrating his birthday with his friend. After a night of drinking, the other says ""Hey man, why don't we go back to your house? The present I got you is there."" So they do. When they let themselves in, there's a light already on, and a scantily clad blonde woman greets them. ""Hiiiii, handsome! One, two!"" she says, pointing at each man in turn. Satisfied, she turns and walks into the kitchen and opens the silverware drawer. Picking up each fork, she happily squeals ""One, two, three, four, five, six!"" She puts the forks back and crosses into the bathroom. Unspooling the toilet paper, she tallies every single square. The guy's friend seems pretty pleased, but he himself is utterly baffled. ""What's going on? Is this bimbo my gift?"" The friend nods. ""You bet, man. Sorry if it's not what you wanted, but.... It's the thot that counts, right?""" +21094,1,You know why North Korea won't meet for the nuclear summit? They haven't updated their privacy policy. +21095,3,When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent +21096,0,"What did the Mexican say to Jesus when he (Jesus) descended from heaven? Hey, soos." +21097,0,What do Bigfoot and Prince's grandson have in common? They both have grand paw prints. +21098,1,Hosted a mass debate party last night. I was the only one who came. +21099,2,I Used to be Indecisive but now i'm not so sure. +21100,5,"What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it, we're closed! " +21101,1,How is sewage treated? .....Like shit. +21102,1,Why did the tree cross the road? Windstorm. (Via my uncle. Not sure if it's been posted before) +21103,0,Can someone help me remember a joke about a man in overalls buying any car with 100$ bills I heard this joke many years ago and it's driving me crazy I can't remember it. +21104,1,Why should you always pay your exorcist? Otherwise they might repossess your house. +21105,0,I may have Alzheimer... ... but at least I don't have Alzheimer. +21106,1,I tried to think of a good science joke But all the good ones Argon +21107,0,"An Amish girl is riding along with her mother on a horse and cart Feeling the cold, she cups her hands and blows on them. Seeing this the mother leans in and gives her daughter a little life lesson. ""When its this cold and on long journies like this place your hands between your thighs my dear"". This good piece of advise does the trick. The next day the neighbours son comes by on his horse and cart just as the Amish girl is leaving the house to head to the working fields and offers her a lift. Casually he remarks on the cold weather and that his hands were feeling the cold. Eager to pass on the nugget of good knowledge learnt the day before she suggests he warms them up by placing them between her thighs. The next day, again the boy picks up his naive neighbours daughter and this time tries to go a bit further by hinting that his nose is numb from cold. Again the Amish girl helps him out by telling him to place it between her thighs. On the next day the boy goes for broke and complains that the bittingly bitter wind is going right up his trouser leg and thus his penis is frozen stiff. That night the girl comes home looking very flustered. Her concerned mother asks "" What on earth is the matter girl?"". She tells her mother everything ending with the boy placing his penis between her thighs, eyes bulging the mother screams "" Then what happened!?"" . The girl looked confused "" It melted....""" +21108,0,Hate to be that guy.... ... because he's a dick. Fuck him. +21109,3,A movie about janitors impressed critics. Later that year the movie swept the Oscars. +21110,1,What do you call a guy who urinates bug spray? Pissed OFF! +21111,3,"When making a plan, it’s always wise to include a chronic masturbator. You never know when they’ll cum in handy." +21112,4,What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work? I missed you +21113,0,"My girlfriend died recently.. I was feeling an emotion I had never felt before. I went to therapy one day and upon hearing my story, the shrink didn't say anything but instead got up from her chair took a few pieces of wood and arranged them in a peculiar manner which went like: | |I || |_ And then a question popped into my head.. ""Is this loss?"" " +21114,4,What do you call a person who is gay and smart? Homogeneous +21115,1,"Two cows Are approaching each other in a field. The first cow anxious with anticipation thinks to itself ""What am I going to say when we meet, what will I possibly do"". They begin to draw closer and closer to eachother, the first cows anxiety rising and rising. ""What could I ask? should I start with hello or hey, G'day maybe?"" Closer, ""Perhaps I will ask about the grass, grass is delicious! oh my, what do I say?"" The two cows come face to face, they stare blankly into each others eyes. The first cow, stomach uneasy, summons its courage and speaks ""MOOO"" " +21116,4,"Unreceived Mail A man was pleased to see that the local newspaper was once again hosting it's annual joke contest. Readers from all around the local area would send in jokes, with the top 5 published. The rules of the competition were simple, all jokes had to be original and had to be written by the sender. The man was sure he was on to a winner with a joke he had written which made him crack up every time he thought about it. He wrote down his joke, and checked to make sure the spelling was correct before mailing it in to the newspaper. A few weeks later the results were released and the man was shocked that his joke didn't make the cut. He called up the newspaper and spoke to the lady who judged the entries. She said that she had not received the joke, but to send it in the next year. The next year rolls around and the man once again writes down his joke and sends it in. Just like the previous year he doesn't win, and calls the paper to find they had no record of his entry. This happens again the following year, and the following year and the next. Finally the man gives up. Moral of the story: It doesn't matter how many times a joke is reposted, some people will never get it. This was my attempt at an original joke. " +21117,0,If all of congress were abducted... Congress wouldn't pass the find congress act. +21118,1,I just started working as a taxi driver I'm really going places. +21119,0,What did Hitler say to the national football team after they lost the final? Get in the showers! +21120,0,What did they say about the jacket that had lost it’s liner? It was a shell of its former self +21121,0,"I work as quality assurance at a shopping cart factory. When a I see a cart without wheels yet, I usually fix it, but sometimes I let it slide." +21122,5,"A dog walks into a bar ""I'll have one ... beer."" Bartender replies ""Why the pause?"" Dog says ""Because I was born with them, asshole.""" +21123,3,"Nazi Rudolph Hess edited Mein Kampf for Adolf Hitler, making him the first grammar Nazi." +21124,1,"An obese man is visiting his doctor to try and lose some weight. Doctor: So, what do you think is the reason you’re obese? Obese Man: Well, obesity runs in my family. Doctor: Alright, but nobody runs in your family." +21125,2,I gave a speech about time management It lasted seven hours +21126,3,"And the Lord said unto John, ‘Come forth and you will recieve eternal life.’ But John came fifth, and won a toaster." +21127,0,Went into a shop in South Africa and asked for some ice cream..... ..... came out with a tube of Preparation H. +21128,0,"Do you know how Canada got its name? So one day a couple of pre-Canadians where sitting at a table and decided to come up with a name for their country. They decided to draw letters out of a hat and come up with the name that way. So one of the guys draw the first three letters and read them out loud, "" C eh, N eh, D eh"" and that's how Canada got its name. :) " +21129,2,I was buying fish the other day and asked the cashier for a plastic bag... He said it was already inside +21130,4,What does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAAINS!! +21131,6,Kinda scared for 2017 Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more +21132,3,"Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich. ""Sorry,"" said the owner. ""We don't serve Ham.""" +21133,7,"My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast. Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman." +21134,0,"There were elections in the United States. Tom Hanks went to cast his vote. As soon as he came out of the polling booth after doing so, everyone started applauding. Why? It was a vote of T. Hanks." +21135,3,Whoever made the knock knock joke... Should get a Nobell prize +21136,0,Never murder a death metal singer slowly... They always let out blaring death growls. +21137,1,How many..... How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side +21138,3,"Election and ""erection"" actually have the same meaning. They're both about a dick rising to power. " +21139,0,What is a pirate's favourite letter? R you really falling for this joke? +21140,0,What does Damon Albarn write his songs with? Feel Good Inc. +21141,0,Libertarians are great at telling jokes The punchline never feels forced +21142,0,My wife and I usually smoke after sex. I haven't had a cigarette in almost a decade. +21143,0,A recent study states that one of women's most common turnoffs on the first date is when men keep answering their phones. Especially when it's their wife on the line. +21144,5,"Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer... One cannibal says to the other one, ""Does this taste funny to you?"" And the other one goes, ""No.""" +21145,2,"I wanted to go see the movie ""Constipation"" But it is not out yet." +21146,3,"Hand of Deliverance The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Trump and said, ""do you know that with one little wave of my hand i can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy, this joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice"". Trump replied, ""I seriously doubt that!, with one little wave of your hand....show me!"" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! And the crowed roared and cheered wildly." +21147,2,"A genie appears in front of a man, and grants him three wishes. Man: For my first wish, I would like a TV camera to look at during oppurtune moments. Genie: Granted. Your second wish? Man: I wish everyone was super gullible. Genie: Done. And for your final wish? Man: I wish for updog. Genie: What's updog? Man: Not much, how about you? *Looks into camera*" +21148,0,How do you tell when a joke becomes a dad joke? When its punchline celebrates the third Sunday of June. Happy Father's Day! +21149,4,"Pun Contest There was a man who entered a local papers pun competition.. He sent in ten different puns in hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. " +21150,1,"Whats Brown, has two legs, and bleeds a lot? Half a dog...." +21151,2,"I bought a Lottery ticket today Sven: ""Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."" Ollie: ""It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."" Sven: ""What are the odds?"" Ollie: ""29, 11, 35."" " +21152,2,"Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!" +21153,0,Why did the tweaker cross the road? Because he's pretty sure he saw something over there. +21154,1,I don't know why people don't like the mummy movies... I think they get a bad wrap +21155,4,Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people. +21156,0,What do you call a Ford F-350 stuck in a pond? One-Ton Soup +21157,2,Mountains aren't just funny...... .......the are hill areas!! +21158,0,"My thesis just came back with “Appendix?” scrawled on it. Seems a little forward — but I thought: sure, why not?." +21159,0,Its a dark world. I woke up with a Hemorrhoid. I decided to name it Hemsworth...because its Thor. +21160,0,What does Trump like to smoke? POTus +21161,6,"One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself “What the hell happened to the roof?”" +21162,4,I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head. +21163,2,"There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head. Another man, who is new in town walks in and sits down at the other end. After a few minutes he asks the bartender, “Who is that strange man with an orange for a head?” To which she replies, “I’m not sure but he refuses to talk to me about it.” Determined to find out why he has a fruit where his head should be he casually walks over and asks, “Excuse me sir but I am just dying to know what happened to your head?!” “Why what happened to it?” “Well... its an orange!” “Oh yes, it’s a long story and I would rather not get into it now if you don’t mind.” This man refused however, to take no for an answer. Still determined he bought the man a drink and once again politely requested he tell the long story. The orange-headed man, now with an extra drink, grudgingly accepts to tell the tale. “So I was walking down the boardwalk with my wife at the time and we decided to go into this lamp shop that has since gone out of business. I stumble upon this dusty old one that caught my eye and brushed off the coat of dust. To my surprise a big ol’ genie popped out and offered me three wishes!” Knowing that genies had reputation for being tricky when granting wishes, the man was eager to find out what wish had gotten turned around to make this man have an orange for a head. “So what was your first wish?” The man asks. “My first wish was to be the wealthiest man in the world.” “Well congratulations, you should be buying me the drinks! What was your second wish?” “My second wish was to have every woman to fall madly in love with me. My wife has since divorced me due to all of my affairs.” “That seems to come in handy now that you have an orange for a head. And the third?” The orange-headed man goes silent for a minute. “Well? What was the wish sir, I am dying to know!” “My third and final wish... was to have an orange for a head.” " +21164,0,"What was Hitler's favorite thing to order at a restaurant? Just soup, and a cide order of geno." +21165,0,How do you annoy a Jamaican trainer? You Pokémon! +21166,3,"Dutch joke about Belgians Three international construction workers are working on a skyscraper in Rotterdam. A German, a Belgian, and a Dutch guy. Every noon they eat their respective lunches at the top of the unfinished tower. The German guy opens up his lunchbox and sighs: ""Bratwurst und Kartofflen, I hate Bratwurst und Kartofflen, if I get Bratwurst und Kartofflen tomorrow I will throw myself of this tower"". The Dutch guy opens up his lunchbox, sees to his dismay bread with cheese, and says: ""I hate bread with cheese, if I see it tomorrow in my lunch box I will jump after you!"". Finally, the Belgian guy opens up his lunchbox and not one to let his co-workers outdo him says: ""Amai, sandwiches with jelly! I always have sandwiches with jelly, if I get them tomorrow I will jump off the building with you guys."" The next day around noon, the three construction workers sit nervously on the top of the building. The German is the first to open his lunchbox, sees a Bratwurst, stands up and says: ""Scheisse, Bratwurst!"" and jumps of the building. Both the Dutch and the Belgian guy turn a little pale. But the Dutch guy opens his lunchbox and reveals the sandwiches with cheese on them. He too jumps off the roof. The Belgian guy, at last, opens up his lunchbox, sees the sandwiches with jelly, swears, and follows his two co-workers towards his death. At their mutual funeral their wifes meet and complain about their husbands, the German wife says: ""Ach gutte, Had my Hans said he didn't like Bratwurst, I would have given him anything else for his lunch"" and the Dutch wife answers: ""Indeed, if Kees would have liked something else I would have made him something else"", to which the Belgian wife says: ""I Don't understand, if Thomas didn't like jelly, why didn't he put something else on his sandwiches?""" +21167,1,My roommate recently had me added to her insurance. Not what I was thinking of when we spoke about friends with benefits. +21168,1,What type of car would a missionary drive? A convertible! +21169,3,I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time..... Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends. +21170,0,What do you call a rifle that shoots salt? An a-salt rifle +21171,2,I like my asshole just like my women's pussy Without some other guy's dick in it +21172,2,What do you call a sick Darth Vader? Barf Vader -Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew. +21173,3,"A Park Ranger is patrolling one day When he passes what appears to be a young fisherman carrying 5 fish in a bucket. ""Excuse me sir! You can't fish here. This is a National Park and all species are protected. I am going to have to take you to the Ranger Station."" ""But sir, I didn't catch these fish here. These are my pet fish. Herman, Billy, Cathy, Stewart and Fred come with me every day to the park to exercise. I take them to the river and dump them out. They swim around for about 5 minutes and then are trained to jump right back in the bucket."" The Park Ranger looks at the man in disbelief. ""That's not possible."" ""Here, follow me and I will show you!"" Says the fisherman. The 2 men walk to the river where the fisherman dumps the 5 fish in and they wait. 3 minutes...4 minutes...5 minutes... ""All right I have had enough!"" Exclaims the Ranger. ""Where are the fish?"" The man replies with a grin, ""What fish?""" +21174,2,"What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to? Heavy metal." +21175,3,The only b-word you should call a woman is beautiful. Bitches love being* called beautiful +21176,0,What is the opposite of a rainbow? A miscarriage +21177,4,"My girlfriend broke up with me today. I asked her why, and she said, ""Because you're obsessed with The Monkees."" At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face." +21178,5,I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office. +21179,1,Did you hear about the man who got struck by lightning? It’s a shocking story +21180,0,"So I see Ken Dodd died. Did he? No doddy. Edit: I've waited 20 years to use this joke," +21181,0,The science of staring at women's boobs and guessing their size is known as... . . . . . . . . . Stastis tits! +21182,1,Men are like steel They're useless when they lose their temper +21183,0,What's it called when two people have been dating for a while? A couple of things come to mind. +21184,0,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two left legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with two hind legs? Yo mama. +21185,3,"I have three knees: my left knee, my right knee.. ..and my weenie. Edit: NSFW" +21186,2,"3 drunk guys enter a taxi 3 drunk guys enter a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he starts the engine and turns it off again. Then said, ""we have reached your destination"". The 1st guy gives him the money and the 2nd guy says ""Thank you"". The 3rd guy slaps the driver. The driver is shocked, thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did. But then he asks ""what was that for?"" The 3rd guy replies, "" Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us! " +21187,1,What's the difference between a northern Maine woman and a moose? 'bout 50 pounds and a flannel shirt +21188,0,Did you hear about the asteroid from another solar system astronomers recently spotted? They say Donald Trump is threatening to send one right back. Joke stolen from and adapted from XKCD +21189,4,Why do so many robots live in Africa? 'Cause Botswana. +21190,2,There was a kidnapping in the local high school. Luckily a teacher woke him up. +21191,0,"Don Henley gets a really bad haircut Don Henley gets a really bad haircut a week before an Eagle's tour. Joe Walsh says, ""Don your hair is a mess, you will look horrible on stage."" Don replies, ""It should be okay, I've been trying to get down to the mart of the hatter.""" +21192,0,Why did Paul Walker die? He was 2 fast 2 furious +21193,0,"Dolphins in Tepees A man and a woman are at the circus. The man asks 'what was the most popular act at the show?'. The woman responds ' It was the three dolphins in tepees'. 'Really', the man asks, 'are you sure that was the act?'. 'Well', the woman responds, 'four, all in tents and porpoises'" +21194,0,The Ben & Jerry’s in Washington DC has a new flavor just in time for the holidays! Peach Mint +21195,1,Broccoli: I look like a tree Mushroom: wow I look like an umbrella! Wallnut: I look exactly like a brain! Banana: Man can we change the topic please +21196,0,Poops are the best Some would go as far to call them the shit +21197,9,"Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car. However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. ""Why have you been destroying other people's fences?"" she asks. ""They will pay me the next day to fix it,"" Sandy answers, ashamed. ""Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."" ""But why do you need the money?"" Sandy looks up. ""You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma.""" +21198,0,Somebody in the street asked me: what's your method to-stay-down-to-earth I said: well Gravity +21199,5,"Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in lovely Ireland.... One of the beggars is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, ""Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."" The man turns to the one with the cross and says, ""Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business."" " +21200,1,I asked a pretty homeless girl if I could take her home and she said yes. She looked shocked when I walked off with her cardboard box. +21201,2,"Parrots. long Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him. ""Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem? “This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you have two wonderful parrots. And I don't know who to turn to.” “Well you certainly have come to the right person. What exactly is the problem?” “You may remember that my dear husband, God rest his soul, enjoyed a game or two of poker.” “I do recall Jim was quite the man with a deck of cards.” “Well to make a long story short, he was in this card game with a bunch of sailors only a month before he passed away and ended up winning a parrot to which he became very attached.” “So, now I have this parrot and I don't know what to do with it. She has the foulest mouth I've ever heard. I'm too embarrassed to even tell you what she says.” “Anyway, I've tried everything. I've scolded it. I've taken away her treats. I've even washed her mouth out with soap. It just hasn't deterred her at all. I can't take it anymore.” As she starts to sob, Father O'Malley tells her not to worry he has the answer to her problem and brings her over to his office in the rectory. As they enter the office, Mrs. Coughlin is amazed to see two parrots sitting in their cage, very calmly praying with little rosary beads in their claws.  “Mrs. Coughlin I’d like you to meet my parrots, Tom and Harry.” “Boys say good morning to Mrs. Coughlin” Squawk! Good morning Mrs. Coughlin they say in unison and return to praying their little rosaries. “See how well they're behaved they are? I think if you were to bring over your parrot to spend a few days with my fine birds she would end up being just like them.” Oh, thank you father. If you don't mind I'll go home and bring my parrot right over. That's a fine idea. I'll see you soon. Twenty minutes later Mrs. Coughlin is back with a covered cage in her hand. Father O'Malley welcomes her in and tells her to place the cage on the hook next to his birds who continue to pray on their rosaries whike staring at the new cage placed next to them. Mrs. Coughlin take off the cover and immediately her parrot squawks at the other parrots. “Hey boys! Want a blow job?” Tom looks over at Harry and says, “We can finally throw these fucking beads away, our prayers have been answered.”" +21202,3,"Busy barber A guy walks to a barber shop, opens the door and asks the barber ""how long is the wait?"" The barber looks at the line of people waiting and says ""oh, about 90 minutes"" The man leaves and never comes back. The next day the man goes to the same barber asking ""how long is the wait today?"" Barber looks at those waiting and says ""today is quite busy, seems like a two and a half hour wait"" The guy leaves and doesn't return for that day. The third day the man goes to the same barber and asks him the same question. The barber looks and says ""not that long, about an hour or so"" The man turns around and starts running. The barber tells the help to go follow that man and see if he is going to a competing barber. After a while the help returns. The barber asks him ""is he going to another competitor?"" The help answers ""no"" The barber asks ""so where the hell does he keep going to everyday?"" The help answers ""to your wife"" " +21203,1,What do you call an infinitely small cow? a moot point. +21204,0,How come every time I meet an Italian person? They tell me to pee a cherry. +21205,1,"I was asked by my doctor if mental illness ran in the family... I told him ""I have an aunt who wants to vote for Hillary Clinton""" +21206,3,People keep telling me vagina jokes.. But I don’t get it +21207,0,What if... my dick was a cpu? it would be ah Ryzen. +21208,3,I'm thinking about becoming a Catholic.. Only because I haven't been touched sexually in years and I'm desperate. +21209,2,Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrr +21210,1,"A guy went to a restaurant and asked the waitress for a quickie She replied, ""it's pronounced quiche""" +21211,0,Why did the Priest get in trouble with the Coast Guard? Because he was caught trying to alter buoys. +21212,0,"How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't change anything. " +21213,0,"Called to my managers office today He said ""you can't wear pyjamas to work you idiot!"" I replied "" everyone else does though"" He replied ""THEIR PATIENTS""" +21214,0,"What did the Australian chess player say as he won the chess competition? Check, mate." +21215,3,"You guys, be kind to Jussie Smollett... You know that he’s really beating himself up right now." +21216,2,"Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road. Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road. A cop pulls him over and asks ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" Heisenberg replies ""No, but I know where I am.""" +21217,4,My wife scolded me about how much I drink.. She says... For God sakes! You ever imagine the damage you're doing to your health? Not to mention all the money you've spent? How much money do you think you've spent so far? I say... Idk.. hic.. She says: how much is a bottle of Jack Honey? I reply: idk... like $24.99? She says... You drink a bottle a day! That's $8900 a year! Jesus christ.. You've been drinking everyday since I met you! that's 10 years! That's $88900!! You know how much you could have done with that money? A down payment on a house... investments... a nice new car like the corvette you've always dreamed of? Ashamed I sit there and ponder. My wife looks disgusted. I ask her... you don't drink? NO! she replies quickly... Not even a little bit? Not a single drop!! she says... So I say.... Look I'm not happy with myself... but.... where the hell is your Corvette? +21218,3,There is a new vaccine against stupidity. But anti-vaxxers don't get it. Edit: Please stop PMing me for the name of the vaccine. It's only a joke. +21219,0,i was just on facebook and theriej was that one girl and she said that my hair was stupid lmoa xd i have like rkolp yr ly hbeautifufl hair and u cant seey cadt is ugl lo its not ugly so its funy becasue she sadi as dits gugyl dat she said xDDD +21220,0,What's black and white and red all over? Newspaper +21221,2,What do you get when you cross breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane? A dead chihuahua +21222,0,Damn girl are you vaccinated? If not consider me small pox because I want to be inside you. +21223,2,Why are there so many ants in Paris? Because it's France. +21224,1,"Got some awful news today! After 7 yrs training in the medical field and hard work, I learned that a good friend and colleague of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. I know, I know...but what a waste of time, training, & money. A genuinely nice guy and brilliant mortician. " +21225,3,My favorite sport is golf Because the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf +21226,0,Knock Knock Whose there? Europe _____________ No you're a poo. +21227,1,"Guys! Seriously, I got gas for a $1.75. At Taco Bell." +21228,2,"A pastor's wife was shopping... ...and a man approached her, wanting to know if she wanted to buy some dam fish. She berated him for the language and he said, ""No, I caught it by the dam."" Then she got some of the fish. Then she runs into her friend. The pastor's wife had to tell her friend all about the dam fish. The friend berated her for being the pastor's wife and talking like that, when she explained, ""The man caught the fish by the dam."" Then she finally returns home. Her husband asked her what was for supper, and she said she'd fix some dam fish. He asked her about her language and she said the fish was caught by the dam. So at the table, everyone was eating. The pastor said to his wife, ""This is the best dam fish I ever had."" Then the teen son speaks up. You can both have all the damn fish that you want. I just want some more of the motherf--king mashed potatoes!""" +21229,0,What is the ONE thing Millennials are better at than any other generation? Getting Molested +21230,0,Why did the vampire get sent to the insane asylum? For being batty. +21231,1,Brain Overheard....I don't get that guy the way he talks/thinks it's like he has his brain in his ass. Response....He always seems to be sitting so maybe he's always dealing with a headache. :) +21232,1,My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either. It really sucks +21233,10,If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver? **Ag**stralia Edit: don't bother traveling; lots of silver and gold here. +21234,2,What did the mystic say to the hot dog salesman? Make me one with everything. +21235,2,Why can't the bike stay up? Because it's two tired! hahahaha +21236,1,"I had an operation to improve my hearing, where the surgeon grafted pig’s ears to side of the head. ​ But all I could hear was crackling." +21237,7,"A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ""Hurry!"" she said. ""Stand in the corner."" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ""Don't move until I tell you to,"" she whispered. ""Just pretend you're a statue."" ""What's this, honey?"" the husband inquired as he entered the room. ""Oh, it's just a statue,"" she replied nonchalantly. ""The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."" No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ""Here,"" he said to the 'statue'. ""Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.""" +21238,3,Boy and Mom funny conversation Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding Boy: Mommy? Mom: What? Boy: Why is the girl dressed in white? Mom: Because this is the happiest day of her life. Boy: so why is the boy dressed in black? +21239,0,Rudy. Rudy? More like Judy. hahaha h +21240,1,Question James and Kumar were having a conversation when James asked Kumar a question. J: what mouse walks on two legs? K:(thinking hard).....ummm....I don't know J: it's Mickey mouse you idiot K: oh...ok James then asks another question J: which duck walks on two legs K: this one's easy...it's Donald duck J:all ducks walk on two legs you dipshit. K:..... +21241,0,CBC HEADLINE: MOUNTIE SMOKES LEGAL POT IN CANADA he ate doriots +21242,0,What do you call Michael j fox in an bathtub An washing machine +21243,2,"But... What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap." +21244,0,"Two gay guys Two gay guys are in the locker room jerking each other off when one of the guys' phone rings. ""Stand here and don't finish without me"" says the guy whose phone rang and runs off to answer it. A few minutes later, he comes back and there is cum all over the walls. ""Dude, I told you"" ""I didn't. All I did was fart""" +21245,6,"My Grandpa said to me the other day, ""Your generation relies too much on technology"" I replied, "" no your generation relies too much on technology"" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole" +21246,1,Religion Comes At A Price... But it's a small price to pray. +21247,1,"Bernie Sanders got twice the votes as Hillary Clinton, but less delegates. This should help him in South Carolina as he officially now understands the struggle of being black in America." +21248,2,What's the difference between offering someone sex and offering someone a cup of tea? It would be completely insane and make no sense to try and force someone to drink a cup of tea +21249,3,Our relationship is like the alphabet... The X is closer to U than I ever will be. +21250,5,"A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks. ""What are you doing?"" she asks. ""I saw this in a porn once. It's called buffering.""" +21251,0,I read that smartphones screens are dirtier than toilet seats I really should stop wiping my ass with my iphone +21252,3,My dog ate my coding homework. Took him a couple bytes. +21253,4,"3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks ""Do you all want beer?"" The first says ""I don't know"" The second says ""I don't know"". The third says ""Yes!"" edit: formatting" +21254,1,"The Babe Ruth statue at Yankee Stadium cost around $120,000 to make. That’s just a ballpark figure" +21255,2,Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there. +21256,2,What do you call it when you fuck your dad's sister? Up the ante +21257,0,"The Royal Mail I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot. I asked the guy taking the tour ""What's that machine?"" ""That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop,"" he boasted proudly. ""What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?"" I asked. ""We give them to a bloke on a push bike.""" +21258,0,who doesn't enjoy a good fishing trip? The fish. +21259,0,Why are the vowels in debt. Because they have an IOU +21260,2,What do horses hope for on election day? A stable economy +21261,1,Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC Please stop calling my new phone. +21262,2,How do you get Dick from Richard? You take him out to dinner first. +21263,2,Don't get into an argument in an elevator it could escalate very quickly +21264,4,Viagra shipment stolen Cops looking for gang of hardened criminals +21265,10,What do pedophile vampires do to relax? Crack open a boy with the cold ones. +21266,0,"What do you do when you see a space man? Ya park, man!" +21267,0,"A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday. Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?" +21268,1,What do you call a duck with a drug problem..?? A quack head.. +21269,0,"After Hitler's Death After Hitler's death, the Americans discovered that Hitler had a dog that only his family knew about. Learning this, the Americans demanded the dog be killed. The family refused, stating ""Hitler would die 10 times before anyone from his family harm his dog"". The Americans, mildy frustrated, replied, ""Fine, then we will kill the dog."" The family again refused, stating, ""Hitler would die 100 times before letting American pigs touch his dog."" The Americans at the time knew they couldn't let the dog go, there's no telling what Hitler could have done to the dog before he died. So they came up with an ultimatum. ""We will scan the dog, and should we find anything suspicious inside, the dog will be killed and you lot will be thrown in jail!"" The family, with their hands tied, were forced to agree. An esteemed American general accompanied the mission to scan the inside of the dog. After several minutes, they concluded nothing of suspicious content could be found. The general, frustrated, exclaimed, ""Ah, NUTS!"" One of Hitler's cousins exclaimed,""Oh, so THAT was where it was!"" " +21270,0,How can you tell if a loaf of bread is a boy or girl? Feel around for the dough nuts +21271,1,Guy: “How did you get out of Iraq? “Iran” +21272,0,A man went to assign a lawyer The lawyer told him he only accepts pen signatures. +21273,0,How does a trucker leave town? 'E gets on 'e weigh. +21274,2,"When you saw an Asian woman driving, you should have moved a bit away from the road, Said the doctor to an injured man. Injured man: ""What road? I was napping on a bench in a park""" +21275,0,What’s the difference between a footlocker employee getting my shoe size and your mother? One is mapping my feet. The other is fapping my meat. *Badoom tsss* +21276,2,Real men don't wear sunscreen. They cry at night. +21277,2,"Did you hear that Satan outlawed scales? I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, ""There's no weigh in Hell.""" +21278,0,What demographic has the highest suicide rates? The youth in Asia +21279,1,"Two cannibals are eating a clown One turns to the other and says, ""Does this taste funny to you?"" The other one replies ""Yeah, it kinda does."" Two days later they both died of food poisoning." +21280,3,"So many double standards between men and women nowadays. When women have sex with men a lot,they get called whores. When I do it I get called gay" +21281,3,"Ukrainian mother persuades her son to marry M: Look at Marina. She is beautiful, intelligent, loves movies and theater. S: I do not want her. M: Look at Olena. She cooks well, her house is always orderly. S: I do not want her. M: So who do you want? S: Mom, I love my neighbor Sergei. (pause) M: But he's Russian, after all. " +21282,0,"Everybody knows Joe, but does anyone know Juur? Juur gay" +21283,5,I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page so far its got three reichs +21284,0,"What's sometimes your mother, sometimes your father and always made of glass? Transparent." +21285,0,"Nice mustache I said ""Screw you asshole!"" she yelled back." +21286,2,My luck is so bad that.. If it was raining pussy I’d get hit by a dick. +21287,3,Exaggerations... ...went up by a million percent last year. +21288,1,What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies +21289,3,Why did the chicken cross the road? To find people who care about its cake day. +21290,3,"Two anglers were sitting in a boat A windsurfer passed by them. Suddenly the windsurfer fell and disappeared in the water. The anglers hurried to the spot and threw their nets out in an attempt to save the windsurfer. Finally they caught something and pulled the lifeless body into the boat. They started to blow air into his mouth and performed CPR on him. ""Eww!"" the angler blowing air into the mouth said ""This guy has really bad breath!"" ""Wait a minute!"" the other angler said ""We've got the wrong guy. This one is wearing ice skates!""" +21291,1,Why should you buy slip-ons? There's no tie-downs or rip-offs. +21292,2,"I think: To be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also thinking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one’s view and trying to make it objectified, and considering each and everyone’s valid opinion; I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say." +21293,1,"Have you heard the one about the constipated stoner? Try as he might, he just couldn't get off the pot. " +21294,0,"A guy goes into a Scottish bakery And asks ""How much is that cake?"" ""A poond."" ""And how much is that one?"" ""A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"" ""Oh, OK. What about that one?"" ""Ach, that one's two poonds."" ""Oh. Why's that then?"" ""That's Madeira cake." +21295,2,"A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says ""Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?"" to which the man replies ""First blowjob."" The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says ""No thanks, if four shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.""" +21296,2,"What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap condom? One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks." +21297,1,"I will never go bungie jumping I was born in this world with a broken rubber, I'm as sure as hell not leaving this world because of it." +21298,2,"A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, ""do you have that book for men with small penises?"" The librarian looks on her computer and says, ""I don't know if it's in yet."" ""Yeah that's the one"" Ok looks like the front page is wrong about reposts" +21299,0,How are stocks similar to Islam? They both involve prophets. +21300,3,"People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites. After 10 years, my job still sucks." +21301,2,What act is worth 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback +21302,0,"THIS JUST IN! THIS JUST IN! NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle." +21303,1,Please disregard any messages you receive from Lizzie Borden's parents... They've been hacked +21304,2,"My friend told me he didn't know what cloning was. ""that makes two of us"" I said." +21305,3,"How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South? Because if it were invented in the North, it'd be called the teethbrush!" +21306,0,I went over my mates house and dropped acid for the first time last night. Now he's saying I have to buy him a new carpet. +21307,0,Why did Steve fall off the swing? Because he was a potato! +21308,2,"A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine. As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust. ​ He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2. ​ He decides to ask someone in his crew if they know what's wrong with the vessel, and he finally gets an answer to what's going on. ​ ""Can't you tell? There's almost nothing original on this sub!""" +21309,0,Why did the dolphin take his new red sweater back to the shop? Why did the dolphin take his new red sweater back to the shop? Because it was not fit for porpoise. +21310,2,What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts? Quidditch. +21311,3,What do you call a Metallica song after being transcribed? Sheet metal. +21312,3,"A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants. He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one. " +21313,3,It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday. At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it. +21314,0,What do you call a comedian going to the bathroom? A comic relief +21315,1,"Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question ""what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?"" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say ""I'm bad with awkward silences "" If the don't laugh then pause again and say ""sometimes my jokes aren't well received "" problem solved " +21316,2,Why does a chicken coop always have two doors Cause otherwise it would be a chicken sedan +21317,5,"My Doctor has just diagnosed me as paranoid... Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!" +21318,4,Why do Cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose. +21319,2,What do eating pussy and being in rhe mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. +21320,1,I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis. Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod. +21321,2,I said hello to a feminist... my court trial is tomorrow +21322,0,why can't two physicians be near each other? Because it's a paradox! +21323,2,Did you hear about the girl who caught the STD Pokemon? She got a Vulvasore! +21324,0,It was obvious Roy Moore would lose He was polling in the teens +21325,0,Why does Iron Man like to show off his outfit? It's a steel! +21326,1,More people die from drug overdose than guns... Because guns can't take drugs. +21327,3,"A black third grader goes to his mom and asks... “Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I’m black?” She replies, “No. It’s because you’re 19.”" +21328,7,What do Japanese men do when they have erections? Vote +21329,2,"A frail old lady wanted to join a biker club... She knocked on the door of a local biker club, and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed proudly, ""I want to join your biker club."" The man was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, ""You have a bike?"" The little old lady said, ""Yeah, that's my Harley over there"" and there it was, a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker then asked her, ""Do you smoke?"" The little old lady said, ""Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."" Impressed, the biker then asked, ""Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"" The little old lady said, ""No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.""" +21330,1,Did you hear about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines +21331,5,"A painter's patience (my first joke) A painter asked his client where to start painting his house. -""Roof"" said the client. -""Ok"" said the painter. Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting. -""Where now?"" Said the painter. -""Roof!"" Yelled the client. -""I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..."" Said the painter with little patience. -""Roof!!"" Yelled the client again With anger in his eyes the painter said: -""That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"" I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke." +21332,4,"A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist So, he replaced the word ""women"" with ""white, rich, republican women"". The audience stopped complaining." +21333,0,"A Bear walks into a bar... A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ""I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."" The bartender asks, ""Why the big pause?""" +21334,0,What is the most popular baked good in the porn industry? Pound cake +21335,1,The FAA is reviewing the Boeing 737 Max... ... they might throw it under the Airbus. +21336,1,If Nintendo had a police force what would their anthem be ? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U +21337,1,What is the worst thing to give to a cannibal at a dinner party? The cold shoulder. +21338,2,"An anteater walks into a bar The anteater asks the bartender for a drink and the bartender asks ""is Pepsi okay?"" The anteater replies ""noooooooooooo"". So the bartender asks ""is orange juice okay? And once again the anteater replies ""noooooooooooo"". One more time the bartender asks ""how about water?"" The anteater agrees that water is fine. So the anteater gets his drink and the bartender can't help but ask the anteater one final question. ""So, why the long no's?""" +21339,0,I just tied a knot You did knot +21340,5,I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.... Not happy. +21341,1,"Think you’ll be next? My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well, Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals." +21342,2,If you Google lost medieval servant boy. You get the message ‘Page cannot be found. +21343,3,Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France? All that was left was debrie +21344,3,Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat? Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism. +21345,2,How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. P.S.: Sorry if repost +21346,2,How do you hide a dead body? Please help the police are almost her +21347,1,"A subtle masturbation joke from Fahrenheit 451 “When he came back he hid his hands under the table. Beatty laughed. “Let’s have your hands in sight, Montag. Not that we don’t trust you, understand, but —“ They all laughed." +21348,1,"Not everyone makes a great meatloaf... but generally, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" +21349,1,"Know your animals A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, ""Talking Dog for Sale."" Intrigued, he walks in. ""So what have you done with your life?"" he asks the dog. ""I've led a very full life,"" says the dog. ""I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."" The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, ""Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"" The owner says, ""Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!""" +21350,1,What happened when the Prague Bungee Jumping team couldn't afford proper equipment? Their Czechs bounced. +21351,2,Today I learned that johann Sebastian Bach was a big time gambler... It got so bad that he went baroque. Sorry... +21352,0,Michelle Obama gave a great speech at the DNC today..... I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention. +21353,6,"Two buddies are walking through the forest One is Jewish and the other is Czechoslovakian. Suddenly, a bear jumps out at them and eats the Czechosolovakian. The Jewish guy runs to town to get help. He find a hunter, who says that if they hurry there is still a chance to cut open the bear and get the man out alive, but if they can't get to him fast enough he will die. They track the bear back to its den, where they find not one but two bears, a male and a female. The hunter says, ""Quick, which bear was it?There's just enough time to save him if we get the right one."" The Jew says the male bear, so they kill it and cut it open, but lo- it was the wrong bear. So they kill the female bear and cut it open. They find the Czech inside, but sadly it's too late and he is already dead. The moral of the story is, never trust a Jew when he says the Czech is in the male." +21354,0,Walking the dog I was walking my dog this morning and he took a dump on a neighbor's front yard. I was about to pick it up and then I noticed a set of trump and NRA bumper stickers on the back of their car. I think I'll just let thoughts and prayers handle this one. +21355,6,"My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is" +21356,1,Me: this milk tastes funny Lactating clown: thank you +21357,0,"A burglar sneaking into a dentist clinic got caught by the late night guard. In panic, the burglar throws a tooth at the guard. He's been hit by He's been struck by A tooth criminal." +21358,0,The barman says “you again?” A time traveller walks into a bar. +21359,1,"Our top story tonight: Famous playboy hugh hefner... Famous playboy hugh hefner managed to stop an order of monks from operating their buisiness on his private property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, located just outside the playboy mansion, where they had been selling flowers. When interviewed, one monk said: ""Well, if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but, unfortunately, only hugh can stop florist friars.""" +21360,0,What kind of liquor makes you jump around? Hop scotch +21361,0,What is the largest bust of Donald Trump? The Peachoid in SC +21362,4,What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend? Religious +21363,0,Did you hear about the goblin whose left arm and left leg cut off? Guess what he's alright now! +21364,0,Men are like hearts... The more they love the harder they beat. +21365,0,Where do you get a mouth peace? At you're local music store! +21366,5,"which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell? the cinnamon!" +21367,3,What did the spoon dress up as to the Halloween party? A cereal killer. +21368,0,I’m rhyme free.. ..Since ninety-four +21369,0,How do snakes share pictures with others? Snakechat +21370,0,"A concern about these new ""Virtual Reality"" Experiences Companies are getting crazy with their whole Virtual Reality experiences these days. I just saw an Ad for ""The ultimate 360* Virtual Reality Twerking experience."" I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm always willing to give something a chance, but I don't see the appeal of going through the crippling and burdening withdraw of methamphetamine in Virtual Reality." +21371,6,How did 10 die? He was in the middle of 9/11 +21372,0,What do you call a stinky potato? Tater toots! +21373,7,"A mother is scolding her son \\- Your teacher called me today. He told me you said the c word in class. Is that true? \\- Yes, mom. \\- That wasn't clever now, was it? \\- Nah mom, it was cunt." +21374,5,How do you make an art student’s car go faster? Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top! +21375,1,"Two mandalorians were patrolling in the forest... when one of them collapses. The mandalorian radios command to report the incident. Mandalorian- ""Yeah my companion collapsed and isn't moving. I think he might be dead."" Command- ""Well the first thing we have to do is make sure he is dead."" (Command then hears a blaster fire over the radio as the mandalorian shoots his companion in the head) Mandalorian- ""Okay now what do I do?""" +21376,1,Where do cantaloupes go in the summer? To John Cougar's Mellencamp. +21377,0,How do you make an orphans hands bleed? Tell them to clap until daddy gets home +21378,3,What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy? Royal-Tea +21379,1,Life without geometry.... Is pointless. +21380,6,"A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers. He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them. He sees the first recycling bin, marked ""Glass"". The man says, ""No, this won't do. I need a different bin."" He sees the second recycling bin, marked ""Plastic"". The man says, ""No, this won't do. I need a different bin."" He sees the third recycling bin, marked ""Paper"". The man says, ""No, this won't do. I need a different bin."" He sees the fourth recycling bin. marked ""r/Jokes"". The man says, ""Oh, finally. Somewhere I can recycle all my old Posts.""" +21381,5,"A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, ""It's dark in here."" The man whispers, ""Yes, it is."" Boy - ""I have a baseball."" Man - ""That's nice."" Boy - ""Want to buy it?"" Man - ""No, thanks."" Boy - ""My dad's outside."" Man - ""OK, how much?"" Boy - ""$250."" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - ""It's dark in here."" Man - ""Yes, it is."" Boy - ""I have a baseball glove."" Man - Remembering last time, asks, ""How much?"" Boy - ""$750."" Man - ""Fine."" A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."" The boy says, ""I can't. I sold them."" The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" The son says ""$1,000."" The father says, ""It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, ""It's dark in here."" The priest says, ""Don't start that crap again!""" +21382,0,What do you have if you're holding three pears? Six +21383,1,"When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble... I’m his Hotline Zing!" +21384,2,"A man goes to see his Rabbi for counsel ""Rabbi, we don't have place in our house anymore! My family is too numerous. What should we do?"" The Rabbi: ""Just bring your biggest cow to live inside with you"" The man is confused: ""What? This will make things even worse!"" The Rabbi: ""Trust me, live two weeks with the cow inside the house and then come back here."" After two weeks, the man comes back to the Rabbi: ""Rabbi, we did as you suggested. What now?"" The Rabbi: ""Now bring the cow back outside."" (An example of Jewish *witz*)" +21385,0,Wanna hear a Joke A Joke +21386,4,"A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why. ​ The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons? ​ Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me. ​ Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason why. ​ Son: Yeah? ​ Mother: You're the Principal." +21387,1,What's the same thing as a brothel in Kentucky. A family reunion. +21388,0,"Whats a lesbians least favourite fruit? Well, they hate a mango inside them." +21389,0,How do mermaids give birth? Via Sea-Section +21390,0,How Etherum prices actually went up: Random dude : Alexa buy some Etherum. Alexa : Buying all available Etherum. +21391,2,"Attila's Legend. There is a little known legend about Attila the hun. It goes like this...Attila was known to be very fond of dangerous wild animals. He used to collect all these exotic animals that he came across in his conquests. His favorite was a big ferocious snake. He was so fond of it that he used to bring it with him everywhere. But his snake lost its appetite perhaps due to stress the frequent travelling. So Attila, wishing to save his prized pet, sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. But unfortunately they could not help him. One day a wizened sage came to him and told him to feed the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea and was delighted to find that the city he raided just happened to a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food. But the snake refused to eat or even touch the consecrated virgins. Enraged, Attila ordered to have the sage executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, ""Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and a woman to me."" Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. ""Now hold this with both hands,"" he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did that, the snake let out a terrifying hiss and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man said, ""Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun.""" +21392,2,I just got married last week! It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. +21393,1,I was at the ATM when... This old lady approached me and asked if I could check her balance for her so i pushed her and she fell down. Her balance was not that good. +21394,0,Street Fighter: What did an angry Ryu say when Ken came up to him and asked if he could go to the upper floor of the dojo? ...Shoryuken! +21395,5,I went hiking today Me: That's a huge rock. Friend: Boulder. Me: **That's a huge rock.** +21396,1,"A dying wealthy man demands to have all his assets traded for gold so he can be buried with them When approaching the gates of Heaven, St. Peter sees the man lugging a heavy suitcase behind him, and stresses that no personal items can be brought in. The man explains that the contents of the suitcase are very valuable, and that if he only look inside, he'll understand. Peter sighs, opens up the suitcase and takes a look. He then looks up at the man in a state of confusion and says, ""Why have you brought a pavement?""" +21397,0,I would add more flavour to my meals I can just never find the thyme +21398,0,want to hear a word I just made up? plagarism +21399,0,"„Tell me, how good is your wife in bed?“ Well...some call it so, others so." +21400,1,I like my men like I like my water... Making up 75% of what’s inside me. +21401,2,"My fish can breakdance. But only for five seconds, and only once." +21402,2,What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A yamahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha +21403,0,There something bugging me. I've encountered this object many times over in the streets lately. Every way I turn I see Weed.... les +21404,1,"Emotional Party. A woman is having a costume party for halloween. The only rule is you have to dress up as an emotion. The night of the party, the first guest arrives.The woman opens the door and sees a man wearing a green custume with green face paint. What are you dressed up as? The man replies, well I'm green with envy. What a wonderful costume come right in. After awhile another guest arrives. The woman opens the door and there's a girl dressed all in pink. The woman says to the girl what a unique costume, what emotion are you? I'm tickled pink. What a great costume! Enjoy the party. After awhile the woman hears another knock on the door. She opens the door and is shocked by what she sees. Standing naked on her porch are two huge guys. One of them has his dick in a custard, and the other has his dick in a pear. The woman says to them, you have some nerve! You have to be dressed as an emotion to attend this party. What are you talking about lady? We are emotions. I'm fuckin disgusted and he's deep in despair." +21405,0,Did you hear about the Muslim artists who threw paint bombs at a building? They blue it up. +21406,2,"I know that this tainted lettuce scare has everyone worried. But please, everyone... Try to romaine calm." +21407,10,"A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board... She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. ""Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"" The pilot responds, ""Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One...""" +21408,2,Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor. +21409,5,Whats the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit and the other can hoot but not shit. +21410,3,I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings Lessons will be in BAGDAD +21411,2,Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug. (Modified from a story heard on NPR) : ) +21412,1,Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because a Jewish woman wont have anything unless its half off. +21413,5,What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches. +21414,1,"Donald Trump visited the White House doctor... **Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!! **Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look. **Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?. **Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep, that's definitely a bright orange - although I might add - an excellent and awesomely healthy- uhh, penis. **Trump:** Yes, the very best, excellent in every way...but orange! **Dr Jackson:** Hmmm....any changes in your medications? **Trump:** Nope **Dr Jackson:** What about exercise? **Trump:** Nope **Dr Jackson:** Getting enough sleep? **Trump:** Yep! **Dr Jackson:** Unusual stress? **Trump:** Just the usual Russia stuff **Dr Jackson:** Melania okay, you know, down there? **Trump:** Nowhere near it in years, doc **Dr Jackson:** Allergies? **Trump:** Nope **Dr Jackson:** Hmmm....any changes to your daily diet or nightly routine? **Trump:** No, the usual. Just go upstairs and watch Fox, my Stormy pornos and snack on some delicious Cheetos. " +21415,0,What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Damn! +21416,4,I hate when people ask me what I'm doing in the next three years. Do I look like I have 2020 vision. +21417,0,Why did the dog get stuck in the cat door? He was a little husky +21418,0,"Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice! " +21419,2,How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. +21420,2,"I want you to know I'm not racist... Like I said. I'm not racist. I have nothing against people of color, any kind of spiritual belief, or any political backing. However. I do have something against amputees. I don't know what it is about them, but I just feel like they're missing something." +21421,0,Did you hear? Lesbians got a new antidepressant Its called try dick again +21422,3,Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. +21423,0,I don't get the push to get rid of the penny It's unnecessary change +21424,0,What do you call someone who just joined an orgy? A newcummer +21425,2,"Every morning, I see this exhausted guy who looks like he would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror." +21426,4,"I lost my watch at a party once Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch." +21427,6,"Sperm Bank... At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk. ""Sir.. this is a sperm bank.."" says the lady. ""I know. Get out three bottles of sperm"" he commanded. So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm. ""Drink it."" says the man. So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun. ""See honey? It's not that hard."" " +21428,1,"A detective uncovers that his gf is a prostitute, throws the cuffs on and says... You're coming with me." +21429,0,What's the best part about a dead lady? Rigor mortis makes her tighter. +21430,0,What jam can't you eat? Traffic +21431,1,"What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon? ""Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!""" +21432,2,"A man walked into a bar Johnny walked into a bar, A drunk man said to him, ""Aye, you little fool, I fucked your mom last night"". Johnny ignored him, ""Yeah she was crying for more"", said The drunk man. People around started looking and wondering why is Johnny not saying or doing anything, when The drunk man said, ""I came on her tits"". Johnny finally got angry, and said, ""Go home dad"". " +21433,1,What is the virus that makes you think socialism is good? Leningitis +21434,2,"I once worked in a pathology lab... ...but I was asked to leave after one of my reports said ""cause of death: autopsy:""" +21435,2,"Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up." +21436,6,"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer! ""Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit""" +21437,2,What do you call someone who went into a birth clinic and started shooting at everyone there? Spawn camper. +21438,7,"On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: ""I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"" The driver agrees: ""You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."" ""That's a great idea!"" says Einstein. ""Let's switch places then!"" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : ""Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.""" +21439,0,Mary had a little lamb And also some orange juice to swallow it down with. +21440,2,Thank God for nipples... Without it..... Boobs would be pointless +21441,1,Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of its silent p. +21442,0,What's Drake's favourite emoji? XD Because it puts D next to an X. +21443,2,"Because it’s Funny “You can’t be serious,” the tall, slender man screamed up at the silver metallic saucer hovering over his rose garden. As if tickled by this reaction, the object hummed and displayed a line of multicolored lights around its sides for approximately three seconds before replying. “Yes, that’s right. Because it was fucking funny.” The object waited for the man’s next reaction, it had been hundreds of galactic years since the last time he’d gotten to reveal the cosmos to an unwitting vassal species. These humans had been incubating for some time and had accrued excellent ratings, all the beings responsible for the idea were compensated handsomely. “Why do you keep swearing so much?” The object stopped humming and blinked once in confusion. “What?!” “I said, why do you keep swearing so much?” “Of all the god damned questions to fall out from behind your face horns and you pick that one.” “What? What’s so off about that?” “I’m just saying, you’re only now hearing about the wonders of the universe and you’ve finally had answered basically all of your specie’s oldest questions and the only thing you can think of to ask a corporeal extraterrestrial in front of you is why he likes to use the fuck word?” “Yeah, that’s about right. I just sorta figured if there’s some big alien civilization up there maybe they’d moved past swearing. I mean obviously you haven’t and that’s fine, I guess I’m just a little underwhelmed is all.” The spaceship silently floated there for a few moments, not blinking, not humming, not doing anything at all, really. Just lost in the absolute asinine display before their very eyes. Then all at once, the object erupted into laughter, wildly flashing lights and humming a pitch that later historians would take care to note was a slightly out of tune B flat. Humans! All their fucking movies are about space! Their gods come from space! Their biggest damn expenditure other than war is space exploration and even then they manage to get bored. Were they all psychopaths or something? The captain flexed his reproductive sack in thought, perhaps they’d accidentally raised a planet of complete sociopaths. Given their history, it was certainly possible. He glanced over to the open files displaying the juiciest bits of human history, the Bronze Age collapse, Ice Age extinction, Mongol Conquest, it would certainly be possible. “So alright if you’re not going to ask any interesting questions, I’ll just tell you stuff.” “Really mate, I wanna know why you guys never figured out how to quit being so darn foul mouthed. It’s really rather unbecoming of you.” “You’re relentless! This is incredible, you still won’t shut the hell up about swearing! Alright fine you little shit listen up because we’re only going to say this once. If you think for a single one of your seconds that the very worst thing about our species is our liberal use of expletives then I’ve got some bad news for you sunshine.” “Yeah no, I get it. You guys raise species to wage civil wars against themselves for thousands of years for entertainment and then sweep in once they break FTL travel and add a new vassal with all their fresh tactics to your little consumerist confederacy. It’s not that complicated, mate.” “Yeah but why aren’t you upset about it? The last species we informed violently committed suicide and destroyed their entire home world in shame and anger. The one before that instantly declared war and was atomized, what’s making you different?” “I already told you why, clearly your biology lacks a pair of working ears.” The object began humming again, this time the entire object turned a particularly angry shade of red. “We have five working ears thank you very much and we can hear way better. You’re literally a hairless ape standing in a robe in a flower garden, do you really want to compare biology?” “Fair. I suppose it’s rude to compare tentacle sizes upon first meetings.” This did the trick. The object immediately slammed down to earth, hissing as a door vaporized. A small, blue creature analogous to hairy, tripodal cuttlefish with a single compound eye in the middle of the face. The creature walked towards the man abruptly and came so close that their bodies were almost touching. It angrily shot an extension an the man and held it in one of its other appendages. “This is the closest thing to my penis and I bet your planet’s existence that it’s bigger than yours.” The Englishman roared and said, “lad I’ll take that bet. Prepare to leave this world for good. Your show has ended and that navy I’ll bet is hiding up in space can go back to whatever world you come from.” With that, he loosed his trousers and placed his hands valiantly on his hips. “How do you like us now?” Unfortunately for fans of cosmic gladiators, the human was a full three inches longer than the extraterrestrial, much to the shock and horror of both captain and crew. The alien suddenly went completely alabaster and sucked in his penis with a horrible clicking noise. The human made no attempt to clothe himself, instead proudly waving his member back and forth in the breeze, the stupidest smile cemented into his skull. “A deal’s a deal. Off you go!” “You’re right, we’re nothing if not a species of our word. But before I go, I’d just like to let you know how much fun we had watching you guys kill eachother. That special with Atilla is really a classic and the follow up about the Vandals just always makes me think of childhood. You are talented warriors and we wish you the best.” “Yes, yes. Thank you kindly and please get the fuck off this planet please.” With that, the creature turned and once again entered through the hissing portal. The humming returned for the last time as the object began to slowly rise above the earth, only a few meters at first, then to the heights of trees. It gave one final flash before it zipped off into the stars, leaving the man alone with his pants around his ankles and only his roses to keep him company. It was also at this moment that the local constabulary noticed the man staring off into his neighbors window with his pants around his ankles. The judge did not buy his story." +21444,1,"If there are two potatoes on a street corner, which one is a prostitute? The one that is stamped I da ho" +21445,0,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the bitches house... Knock knock. ""Who's there?"" The chicken." +21446,1,There are so many people that live in Brazil There's at least a Brazilian. +21447,1,"What do you get when you mix an atom of cobalt, an atom of vanadium, and two atoms of iron? covfefe" +21448,5,"My first post here A 34 year-old man had undergone plastic sugery to make himself look like a 20 year old. He wanted to test and see if other people could guess his correct age. He went to a nearby shop and asked the shop keeper to guess what age he was. The shop keeper replied, ""About 20 years old"". The man was overjoyed that the surgery had made him look young and walked off happily. He went to McDonald's to get lunch afterwards and feeling confident, he asked the worker at the counter to guess what age he was. The worker replied, ""About 20 years old"". The man smiled happily. The worker asked if the answer was correct. The man replied, ""I'm actually 34 years-old"". The worker was amazed as he did not look a day over 21. The man went to a bus stop afterwards to board the bus and go home. He saw an old lady waiting for the bus. He decided to test it out on her. He asked her to guess what age he was. The old lady said, ""I know an old technique to guess people's age. If you let me caresse your balls for 5 minutes I will be able to guess your age"". The man was confused but seeing as there was no one else at the bus stop he let her do it. After 5 minutes the old lady pulls her hand out of the man's trousers and says, ""You are 34 years-old"". Amazed the man asked how did she know. The old lady replied, ""I was behind you at McDonalds."" " +21449,4,Do you know about mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them. +21450,0,Whats the difference between an old lady and a newborn infant Old ladies dont tear in half when I rape them +21451,2,Holocaust jokes aren't funny. ...Anne Frankly I won't stand for them. +21452,1,I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl It's 7 +21453,1,What do you call a respiratory disease that makes you sound like a newsman? Cronchitis. Badump-tsss +21454,3,"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt" +21455,10,"How many ""friend zoned"" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw." +21456,0,Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 jumpers they went 79 stories in 10 seconds. +21457,2,"What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck." +21458,0,What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors? A reptile dysfunction. +21459,3,Two roommates were arguing... About who gets to use the microwave first. Then things started getting heated. +21460,1,My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material But I won't be suede +21461,6,"Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, ""Tell me the square root of -2!"" The teacher begged, ""Please, let's be rational here.""" +21462,1,I came this close to having a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend The only reason it didn't happen was because they forgot to invite me. +21463,7,Please stop the hate on the lazy people They didn’t do anything at all +21464,4,Want to hear a joke about Jehovah's Witnesses? Knock knock.... +21465,1,Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine. She got fired as well.. +21466,1,"This joke is brought to you by Arnold Schwarzeneggers one-sided chess set. ""I'll be black""" +21467,1,"What is a pirate's favorite type of joke? Traditionally a pun involving an ""arrr"", but for the purposes of this joke, it's sarrrcasm." +21468,0,"Every time I have messed up at work real bad, I just look at my ficus. It gives me strength and courage. It’s a power plant." +21469,0,Babies are like a vindaloo. They hurt on the way out. +21470,0,Why did the cow cross the road? To get to her comedy special +21471,1,"What’s the pH of a Starbucks Frappuccino? I’m not sure of the exact number, all I know is that it’s *very* basic." +21472,1,"A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, ""Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"" The bartender thinks for a moment and says, ""Sure, the toilet's right around the corner.""" +21473,4,Donald Trump's Presidency That's it. That's the entire fucking joke. +21474,2,"Pirate for Halloween A little boy with a speech impediment dressed as pirate for Halloween. He knocked on the door and when the lady answered he said ""pick or peat"". The lady asked what? He replied ""pick or peat"" and shook is bag. The lady said oh trick or treat and the little boy shook his head yes. The lady then asked what are you dressed as? The boy responded a ""birate"". Lady asked what? The boy responded a ""birate"". Lady then said a ""pirate"" and the boy shook his head yes. The lady then asked where are your ""Buccaneers"" which the little boy reached up grabbing his ear and said "" right here lady where are your bucking eyes""" +21475,0,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I passed No Nut November +21476,4,"a salesman comes to a house and knock its door a 10 years old boy opens the door drinking a scotch and smoking a cigar. The salesman asks, ""Are your parents home?"" The kid ashes his cigar and replies, ""the fuck do you think?""" +21477,3,On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods. +21478,0,What will war with North Korea be like? Seoul Crushing +21479,2,What is Popeye’s favorite thing to eat? Olive Oil +21480,0,What did Doctor Eggman tell the hacker? Pingas later. +21481,0,How Germans does it take to change a light bulb? NEIN! +21482,0,"Hey, did you blow bubbles when you were a kid? He told me to say ""Hi"". " +21483,0,My wife told me Eurythmics jokes are never funny Who am I to disagree? +21484,3,"Top 10 Reasons a Gun is Better Than a Woman 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 8. If you admire a friend's gun, and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times. 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 3. A gun doesn't ask, ""Do these new grips make me look fat?"" 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR THE GUN." +21485,1,"As a straight male, there has always been something about the gay community that blows my mind. They give the best fucking head! " +21486,1,Why was a piece of scrap metal liked by everyone? Because it was ex-scythe-thing. +21487,3,Imagine what the first person who inhaled helium thought... They must have spoke very highly about it. +21488,1,[Not a repost] And the lord said come forth and receive eternal life But peter had premature ejaculation and came first. +21489,2,What is Mike Tyson's favorite element? None of your Bismuth +21490,4,"A blonde buys a new convertible ... *(I'm translating this from a foreign language so please bear with me, hopefully it's unique on* r/Jokes*)* ​ ...then she takes it for a spin on the interstate. Then comes a near miss with a truck. The lorry driver catches up to her, overtakes her and proceeds to force her to stop her car on the side of the road. He gets off his truck and goes : ​ ""Are you mad ?! I almost crashed my truck because of you!! Get off your f-ing car."" ​ Whilst the blonde gets off her car, he grabs a baseball bat in his truck and a piece of chalk. He then draws a circle next to his truck, walks straight up to the blonde then goes : ​ ""There, go and stand in that circle and don't you try to get out of it. I promise I'll bash your goddamn skull."" ​ The blonde obeys and stands in the circle. The trucker slowly walks to the convertible and proceeds to destroy its back bumper and lights when the blonde starts giggling. He turns around, looks at her and goes : ​ ""Ow, okay, that's funny right ? What about that then ?"" ​ He then proceeds to destroy the hood, the windshield and the front lights. The blonde is now openly laughing. He turns around, looks at her and goes : ​ ""Ow, okay, you wanna F with me girl ? Let's dance then."" ​ He then takes a knife out of his pocket and stabs each seat, breaks every remaining windows, hits every door with all his might. The blonde is laughing harder than ever. ​ ""You F-ing ho, what THE F ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT ?!! "" ​ The blonde wipes a few tears of joy off her face goes : ​ ""Every time you turned around I stepped out of the circle."" " +21491,4,"Non alcoholic beer is kinda like eating out your sister It tastes the same, but it feels wrong" +21492,1,Why do divers fall off of a boat backwards? Because if they fell forwards they'd land in the boat. +21493,0,"What will Hillary's title be if she wins the presidency? Commander in ""queef""" +21494,0,Flight Lessons went ok... Until they told me to air-a-lell park... +21495,2,What did Tennessee? The same thing that Arkansas +21496,1,What do you call Ryu's stinky cousin? Pyu +21497,3,What's green and has cum in it? Cucumber. +21498,2,"A Genius vs Idiot ! A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, ""Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."" The idiot says, ""Okay."" The genius then asks, ""How many continents are there in the world?"" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, ""Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, ""Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"" The idiot hands over $5. " +21499,0,"I'm going to try to get laughs with a pun based on formatting. I kinda doubt it's going to work, but I'm feeling pretty **bold** today." +21500,4,"Two gay men are travelling on a plane Steve and Bill. ""Dude, what if we had sex?"" asks Steve. ""You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."" ""Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"" Steve stands up and asks loudly: ""Could I have a pencil, please?"" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. ""They really wouldn't care then, would they?"" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. ""Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"" ""I didn't dare"" whispers the old man. ""A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass...""" +21501,5,"I once dated a girl with a lazy eye, It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else. " +21502,3,"A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari... Along the way, they are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, ""We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request."" The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and then the cannibals eat him. The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then suffers the fate of the German. The Russian demands: ""Hit me hard, right on my nose!"" The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally-wounded chief asks him: ""Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?"" The Russian proudly replies: ""Russians are not aggressors!""" +21503,0,"St Peter invites Jesus to play a round of golf... ...they meet at the club get to the first tee. St Peter sets down his ball and swings. Its a good shot, and he lands the ball *juuust* short of the green. ""Your turn."" He says to Jesus. Jesus carefully sets down his ball. He takes a good long look down the fairway, gets into position, wiggles his hips, and swings. The ball flies straight up into the air, hits a plane, comes straight back down, bounces off the tee, across to the lake, off a frog's head, off a lily pad, and back onto the fairway. The ball rolls at lightning speed up towards the green, across the green, and then immediately stops 1 inch from the hole. Then a gust of wind blows it into the hole. St Peter turns to Jesus and says, ""Look are you gonna play golf or are you just gonna fuck around?""" +21504,0,For the past several hours I've been reading a book about antigravity I just can't put it down. +21505,1,Me: My memory is so bad. She: How bad is it? Me: How bad is what? +21506,1,I really hate being bipolar... ...it's great! +21507,3,What do you get when you mix in a piece of shit to your favorite pie? Ajit Pai +21508,3,"A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy. The man says, ""Who would ever miss the World Cup final?” The guy replies, ""Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, ""That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, ""No. They're all at the funeral.""" +21509,3,"Time is like a river [long] Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ""Amazing Grace"", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ""I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."" Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing." +21510,2,Why did Jesus quit the hockey team? He was tired of being nailed against the boards. +21511,4,"So my mate was welding the other day While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye. Score 1 for wearing safety glasses. Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital. After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says ""You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"" ""Creepy teacher Syndrome?"" ""Yes,"" the doctor replies, ""You've fucked one of your pupils""" +21512,2,"A man asked another man, “What’s the term for when you ask a question without expecting an answer?” The other man didn’t respond because it was rhetorical." +21513,1,How do gays refer to hemorrhoids ? Speed bumps +21514,4,"If two wrongs don't make a right, then what do two rights make? An airplane." +21515,0,"Wildfires have just revealed worlds longest marijuana plant growth that stretches for thousands of miles. In related news, today will be known for the entire world learning to chill out. Today many people are disappointed over Doritos chips shortage." +21516,1,"I don't care what the proctologist says, I'm beautiful on the inside as well. " +21517,4,"Difference between I.T and management A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”" +21518,3,What do you call a Communist Sniper? A Marxman +21519,3,"A wrestler meets with his coach A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called ""the pretzel"" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out. The next day it was time for the match, the wrestlers coach told him once more not to get caught in the pretzel or it will be a sure defeat. The wrestler agrees and steps up to begin the match. The match commences and the wrestler is immediately placed in the pretzel. The coach, furious about the blatant disregard for his advice, begins to storm off. He then hears a loud scream and the great Russian wrestler is sent flying through the air to his defeat. The coach in utter awe approaches his wrestler. Coach: ""how in the world did you defeat the pretzel?! No one else has accomplished such a thing"" Wrestler: ""when I was in the pretzel I saw a big pair of hairy balls and my first instinct was to bite"" Coach: ""oh, so you won by biting your opponents balls?"" Wrestler: ""not exactly. You would be surprised how strong you can get when you've just bitten your own balls""" +21520,1,So I have a thing of finding funny alternative names to movie titles.. Of which are: Womb Raider Frying Nemo Howl's Moaning Castle Thosebastards Glad I ate her The Rare Bi*ch Project Se8en Nail Cesar Sure Lock Homes A Booty full Mind Rub a cop Hairy Potter and the Sorcerer's stoned Any additions are more than welcome. +21521,0,What's every Irishman's favourite drug of choice? Craic Cocaine +21522,4,"A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. ""I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?"" The man thinks and thinks... He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie. ""I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."" The genie looks at him for a bit. He says, ""No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too much! Please think of something else!"" The man is pretty angry. He really wanted that bridge and that was really the only thing on his mind. So he thinks and thinks and thinks for days. He had to get the right thing. He sleeps on it and the next day comes returns to the beach. The genie is still there, so the man asks him, ""I want to understand women."" The genie's eyes widen and he asks him ""How many lanes do you want on that bridge?""" +21523,2,"I keep thinking I'd like for my girlfriend and I to have a threesome But then I think ""I have enough trouble pleasing one woman, let alone some dude too.""" +21524,0,"Speeding ticket Driver: ""What am i supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"" Officer: ""Keep it, When you get four of them, You get a bicycle!""" +21525,2,"A boy asks his mother:""Mom, why is my cousin's name is Rose?"" The mother explains: ""That's because her mother loves roses a lot so she called her after her favorite flower."" The boy then asks: ""Oh, so what about my other cousin, Clementine? ""That's because her mother loves clementines so much that she called her after her favorite fruit."" The boy continues: ""Oh, then what about my name?"" The mother turns red: ""Dick, just go out and play!""" +21526,0,What do classy horses eat? Oat cuisine +21527,0,What did the patient say to their dentist when they were concerned? aaaaAAAAHHHHrrrrgggglblblb. +21528,1,"Hey girl, wanna know a good ice-breaker? The Titanic" +21529,2,I get self conscious about driving my lowered car at times. I feel like other motorists are always looking down on me. +21530,2,"A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: ""Can I see your dad?"" Johnny: ""No, he's in the shower."" Salesman: ""What about your mother? Can I see her?"" Johnny: ""Nope. She's in the shower, too."" Salesman: ""Do you think they'll be out soon?"" Johnny: ""Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead." +21531,5,I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free +21532,4,"Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk. Son: But dad, there's only one person." +21533,1,Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. +21534,5,The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam... Aced it! +21535,2,"Jimmy and the ""Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick"" Jimmy goes to see a beautiful dominatrix that all his buddies recommended. He nervously tells her, ""My friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything about it. What is it exactly?"" She explains, ""Well, first I'm going to strip you naked, tie you up, bend you over my knees and spank you like a naughty child. That's the Classic part."" ""Then I'm going to stick one of these Vlasic brand pickles in your cute little pickle hole."" ""And finally, I'm going to give you the most amazing, toe cracking, rim job of you life. The Ass-Lick."" Well, Jimmy isn't thrilled with the idea of getting tied up, spanked and sticking a pickle up his posterior. Or even sure he'd enjoy analingus. Plus, it was a little expensive. But he agrees to pay for a Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick, since all his buddies said it was incredible. So she strips him down, ties him up, bends him over and starts spanking him with various toys. Jimmy is surprised how much he is enjoying it, but still pretty nervous about the pickle insertion, so he asks her to please be gentle when she sticks the pickle in his behind. She tells him not to worry, grabs a large pickle and a paddle, and gently pounds it deep inside Jimmy's rear end, until that pickled cucumber disapears with a ""pop!"" Then she proceeds to give him the most amazing, toe cracking, multiple orgasm inducing, rim job of his life. When finished, Jimmy exclaims, ""That was incredible! But how exactly do I get the pickle out now?"" ""No idea."" She says. ""All my other clients prefer to just eat the pickle."" ""What!?"" Jimmy sputters. ""My mouth was the pickle hole!? Why did you stick it up my ass?!"" ""You asked me to put in your behind."" Thinking back, Jimmy realizes she is technically correct. Now he is in a real pickle, because a pickle is in him. ""Well that was a bad deal."" Jimmy mumbles. ""I have no idea how to get this crappy pickle out."" ""Sorry, no refunds. But you know you loved it."" she replies, ""You got a good dill, just relish it."" " +21536,1,"A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle. As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, ""Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"" To which the pirate replies, ""Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's been drivin' me nuts.""" +21537,1,"I don't get why engineering students call themselves engineers when they aren't yet I mean people in med schooling don't call themselves doctors, law students don't call themselves lawyers, and art students don't call themselves broke" +21538,2,"Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath. He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. " +21539,1,A piece of Bread is like the Sun It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist ​ ​ Source : a photo sent by my mum +21540,0,Why did Mr. Clinton want to become President? Because it pays the bills. +21541,2,Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision +21542,4,"A man turns 100 and is intervewed ""So, after 100 years of life, what is your greatest memory?"" asks the interviewer. ""Ah, Mary. The most beautiful girl in the village. She got lost in the woods. All the men gathered, we found her, we got drunk and we fucked her."" ""Oook, but do you have a less pleasant memory?"" ""Ah, Jimmy. The most beautiful boy in the village. He got lost in the woods. All the men gathered, we found him, we got drunk and we fucked him."" the man replies. ""Alright. Then what is your worst memory?"" ""Well, I got lost in the woods once.""" +21543,0,What would you call LGBTQ if they let heretosexuals in? LGBT-HQ +21544,5,"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent." +21545,0,I broke up with my Asian girlfriend... It was hard to dump-Ling +21546,2,"I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked. *MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee? *ME:* -Tea pls. *MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea? *ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls. *MAID:* -How do U want it, black or white? *ME:* -White.... *MAID:* -Milk or fresh cream? *ME:* -With milk. *MAID:* -Goat milk or cow milk? *ME:* -Cow’s milk. *MAID:* -Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow? *ME:* -Uhm, lemme go with freeze land cow. *MAID:* -Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? *ME:* -Sugar. *MAID:* -Bee sugar or cane sugar? *ME:* -Cane sugar *MAID:* -White, brown or yellow sugar? *ME:* -Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water... *MAID:* -Mineral, tap or distilled water? *ME:* -Mineral water. *MAID:* -Flavored or non flavored? *ME:* -In fact, get me an empty glass! *MAID:* -Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug? *ME:* -Free me, I will swallow my spit...""" +21547,2,Wife: Why did you spend a hundred dollars on a boardgame you've only played once? Me: *quietly checks the wedding bill* +21548,0,"A man was fighting an infection that was spreading on his body. He had to go to the hospital immediately when the infections got worse. He didn't go before because he didn't have money and his wife couldn't support their family well enough if she were to help him pay. ""I'm really sorry John"", mumbled Ashley as she sobbed. John's infection got so much worse that his limbs above the torso had to be amputated. Having a lack of a pair of essential limbs had led him to a state of depression, and his children were very judgemental and afraid and traumatized by the sudden change in appearance to the man they once called father. Ashley left with the kids to stay at her mom's as she didn't want the children to be further hurting John's feelings, knowing well how depressed he already is. All alone, John had to resort to drugs that him and his buddies shared. Coke, meth and other named and no-named drugs were spread across John's house and messy was just an understatement. John suddenly realized what kind of a mess he's in, and he decided that he should do something about it. John and his buddies were all part of this huge gang in the uptown part of the state( yes he's still poor ), and thus had access to weapons. They had the grandest idea to rob a bank. Of course, all of his buddies planned meticulously and went to the bank the next evening. But unforseen circumstances led to his buddies dying due to the police arriving and gunning them down. All but John. One of the men aimed their guns at John, when another shouted ""don't shoot"". John was spared for his life, and sentenced to imprisonment, only for the fact that he was unarmed." +21549,1,"What are the best and worst things about sleeping with Harvey Weinstein? The roles, and the rolls. " +21550,2,I started wearing earrings The day my wife found them in my car. +21551,1,"A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: ""I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."" She gave a naughty smile and said: ""KISS MY ASS.""" +21552,0,Why can't the eel and the eagle hang out anymore? Because that would be eel-eagle (illegal) +21553,3,"Baking a Cake A father and his son take a trip to the zoo. They are walking around to each exhibit and soon realise they came to the zoo in the middle of mating season. The son was very young and every exhibit throughout the day he asked his dad the same question. ""Dad what are those animals doing?"" ""Oh don't worry son, their just baking a cake."" Was the father's reply. The next morning the father is woken up by his son who is jumping up and down with excitement. Son: ""Daddy daddy! GUESS WHAT!?"" Father: ""What's going on buddy everything ok?"" Son: ""I know what you and mommy were doing last night!"" Father: ""Oh really now, what were we doing?"" Son: ""You were baking a cake!"" Father: ""How did you figure that one out son?"" Son: ""Because I licked the frosting off the couch!"" Had to share this old joke. Enjoy sorry for formatting typed this on my phone. " +21554,0,How do you stop a blonde from talking to a chocolate bar ? Put her iphone back on the table. +21555,0,2 girls decide to die virgin. NSFW They jump off the bridge and get fucked up! +21556,2,God told Eve -You shall pay your sin with blood Eve asked -May I pay it in installments? And God created the menstruation +21557,3,I sold my emotions the other day... Not really sure how I feel about it. +21558,0,What do you call halal sausage? Salaami +21559,3,Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for. +21560,2,With Japan beating Scotland in the rugby World Cup they just need to beat England They already have a good record against whales +21561,2,"A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation “What’s got you down?” the bartender asks. “Well,” the man says sheepishly, “I got fired for having sex with my boss’s daughter.” “You old dog,” the bartender chuckles. “I understand why he’d be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you even know she was his daughter?” “Not at all!” He says. “I didn’t even know he had a daughter at that grade school.”" +21562,0,"I have a gambling problem, yesterday I threw $100 down the drain. Bet a guy $50 it would land on top." +21563,0,My dad got kicked out of hospital for having sex with sick patients I don't think being a doctor was the best career for him. +21564,0,"Blind and deaf people of reddit Yup, I am an asshole" +21565,0,"The other day a buddy and I got in a fight at the bar... After the cops got there and were putting on the cuffs I said, “Aww just put a couple pepper packets on him” When the cop asked me why, I told him “Cause two peppers overpower a salt right?”" +21566,3,How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete. +21567,8,"I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not." +21568,0,Why was Germany in debt after WWII? The gas bill was too high. +21569,0,Totally Original Roses are Red Violets are Blue Some Poems Rhyme This one doesn't +21570,4,"If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks Cost me an arm and a leg!" +21571,2,Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop? It’s just plain common scents. +21572,2,My wife said she'd love for us to go and see the Monkees reunion concert in Switzerland. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face ........ Now I'm in Geneva.. +21573,1,"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Possibly better for r/dadjokes, I'll show my self out." +21574,2,How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency? Reduce the number of downhill lies. +21575,0,Why are frogs always so happy? Cause they eat whatever bugs them. +21576,0,What does Jared from Subway have in common with McDonald's? They put their meat in 10 year old buns. +21577,3,"A dad and his son are watching a movie when a sex scene pops up. Dad: Son, please leave the room. Son: Dad, I'm 23 years old! Dad: I don't give a fuck how old you are; you're not watching me beat my meat!" +21578,0,I saw a rabid squirrel humping a pile of acorns in my back yard today... It was fucking nuts! +21579,0,"I don't really think commas make much of a difference... Let's fuck grandma Let's fuck, grandma" +21580,0,Have you been sitting on a pile of sugar? Coz you have the sweetest ass I've ever seen. +21581,5,"There’s always one I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy. " +21582,0,When is Mother’s Day? 9 months after Father’s Day +21583,2,Did you hear about the guy who had his knee replaced with a Magic 8-Ball? He had a prophetic prosthetic. +21584,0,"TIL you can get discharged from the Navy by boarding the wrong vessel. Whoops, wrong sub." +21585,1,What did the chemist say about the protein that talked back? “What a-mean-o acid!” +21586,1,Steven: Good evening. Stephen: Good ephening. ^^^bye +21587,1,"What kind of vegetable is the craziest to eat? [OC] Plantains – it's just bananas! Thought this up while at work today, might not be original but it gave me a chuckle :)" +21588,1,"Adam Libnitzki(32) got struck by lightning. 02, Jul, 2019 | Sunday This Sunday morning was a melancholic event in the Libnitzki family, As the 32 year old father of three children aged 2,3 and 16 years old was found dead due to a lightning strike. The grieving wife informed the reporters that her husband was a loved man and was a well respected member of the community. He was well known among his peers for his impeccable work ethic and incredible craftsmanship at his job. Sadly, Adam Libnitzki was struck by lightning while on duty this morning and was declared dead on the spot. According to witnesses, the mishap took place while the deceased was driving the Locomotive Engine BRLC-3865 out of the Engine Depot to the Bogey Docking Platforms. On an account collected from the leading investigators and the experts' opinion as to why the mishap took place that made Mr.Libnitzki meet his fate was allegedly that ""He was a good Conductor.""" +21589,1,What do you get when you make Ice T mad? Unsweetened Tea +21590,0,"My friend asked me if I ever drink my beer with corriander in it I told him, ""Once in a Blue Moon""" +21591,4,What’s a cannibal’s favorite kind of noodle? Rawmen +21592,4,What rock group has 4 men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore +21593,0,Kim Jong-un: I have a Nuclear button on my desk. Donald Trump: Bitch please. I have a bigger button Samsung: Hold my beer while I relaunch the Galaxy Note 7. +21594,2,What is the difference between sex and a guitar? It isn't against the law to finger minors on a guitar. +21595,1,"The reptile race There was an exotic pet race to take place. Adam brought an iguana. ""Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"" Daniel brought a komodo dragon. ""He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"" John brought a leopard gecko. ""Hes small but does his best!"" The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say: ""Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko""" +21596,3,Whats the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on a popsicle stick? Ive never had a joke on Reddit stuck up my ass. +21597,1,"This is my body, this is my blood and this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down.... ... I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of peace with long hair. In Bethlehem city, born and raised, in the temple is where I spent most of my days. Prayin', blessin', readin' the scrolls, beside the Sea of Galilee and fishin' for souls, when a couple of Romans went to Pontius and lied, said I was makin' trouble (as was prophesized). I got in one crucifixion and my mom got scared and said, ""You're goin' up to heaven and your father's there"". I gathered my apostles and when they came near, I said ""The hand of my betrayer's probably sittin' here"". If anything I thought that just Judas knows, but Pete denies me thrice before the rooster crows. I pulled up to Mount Calvary (well that's where I was taken) and I yelled to my father ""Yo why's it me you've forsaken?"" I ascended to his kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne, the prince of peace with long hair" +21598,4,What's the first thing a homeless person does when he uses a computer? Checks recycle bin. +21599,1,Why dont birds wear pants? Because there peckers on there face. +21600,0,Why is Joker depressed? Cause he fells bad man❗️ +21601,0,"If Vladimir Putin wanted to poison a Mexican political enemy, would he use pollonium... Or would he be too chicken?" +21602,0,"Why was the motivational speaker a failure in Ethiopia? His mantra was ""Stay Hungry""" +21603,3,My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money. So when I got home I high-fived my wallet. +21604,6,"A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”" +21605,6,"Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends Dearest Ones:   The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a ""Honk if you love Jesus"" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.  Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, ""for the love of God, GO! GO!""   What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.. Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.  There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!" +21606,0,Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ... And smoked a joint +21607,2,"I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store." +21608,0,Santa accidentally ran over a man. The poor fellow was sleigh-n. +21609,0,What do you call it when you shoot up a Mexican school? Hole in Juan +21610,3,What is space like without a space suit? Breathtaking +21611,1,"What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip) Telegram Telephone Tell a woman Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle." +21612,0,What’s a breadsmiths favorite movie Beutie and the yeast +21613,1,Who do grammar Nazis talk to when they need to work through their problems? A they’re/there/theirapist +21614,0,What did the communists say to Hitler? You're ours! +21615,0,What is Bill Clinton's favorite song from Hamilton? Say No To This. +21616,4,"I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math, so I decided to test it out. I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about. Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and 29.5 then what is the other length?” Again, to my surprise, 73% answered correctly. So I kept on asking and asking with some consistent results. Running out of ideas I decided to do an easier question.”If 10 people are standing in a quadrilateral and half of them walked out, how many people are still in there?” Unexpectedly everybody didn’t answer, in fact nobody even attempted, just straight up denied they knew the answer to this one simple question. This was defiantly a big surprise because even some 6 year olds could work that one out. So in conclusion it seems that Asian people can be good at math, but refuse to recognise the Ten Men Square Problem" +21617,0,"Need some adultish-humor. I have a girl I like, and I want to make her laugh. What are the best jokes you guys can think of to make a dirty-minded teenage girl laugh?" +21618,0,There are two kinds of people in this world Those who need closure +21619,3,You know what I find really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2. +21620,0,"TIFU by taking the wrong baby home from the hospital Oops, wrong bub." +21621,3,"What do male deer and the Kardashians have in common? Every year, they get a new rack" +21622,1,"Someone stole my toilet. I haven't been able to figure out who, as I have nothing to go on." +21623,1,What do you call a group of Eskimo extremists? ICE-IS +21624,0,"Funeral Speech! The story is told of the hard-bitten old Quaker who had died. At the funeral service, those who had gathered were standing silently by, waiting, as was the custom, for anyone who might wish to do so, make some tribute to the departed. At last one old man spoke and said, Well, I can say one good thing about William. He wasn’t always as mean as he was sometimes." +21625,2,"If you were to rob a vape shop, Could you call it a juul heist?" +21626,0,What do you get... When you donkey eats my roosters 2 feet? 2 feet of my cock in your ass! +21627,0,The army smoked weed And forcibly seized power This is a haiku +21628,2,"Father: Son, please be a good boy while I’m away... Son: I’ll be a good boy for $50 Father: why son? When I was young, I was good for nothing" +21629,0,Did you hear about the dwarf spirit caller who escaped prison? He's a small medium at large. +21630,0,My wife said our sex life sucked... I hate being accused of being a faptological liar. +21631,2,"What is Darth Vader's favorite snack? (Breathe heavy for effect) ""Coooo-Keees""" +21632,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To be ran over coz she didn't want to watch Hillary vs. Trump +21633,2,What do you call a nation of angry women? A cuntry. +21634,0,"A smart man... A smart man and his even smarter apprentice are doing some scientific research using frozen brains. Accidently the the man drops a frozen brain and it shatters into a few small pieces. The apprentice goes into a cupboard and takes the dust pan and brush which was sealed in a plastic bag. He puts it on the table and struggles to open it. ""We need scissors"" he says. The man responds with ""Nonsense! who needs scissors when you have two sharp minds combined"" He then picks up two fragments of frozen brain off of the floor and slices the bag open. My first ever original joke, it could probably be worded better which you can feed free to do." +21635,0,Did you guys see the new $12 bill? I can't believe they put Harriet Tubman on it! +21636,0,"A guy walks into a bar.. A guy walks into a bar, a pole, letter box and a wall he then puts his phone away." +21637,3,"What does an antisocial frog say? Reddit, Reddit." +21638,0,How is the chairman of the FCC like a pie made from poop? They're both a shit pie. +21639,0,How is a woman not like a washing machine? Washing machines are #great! They will do your laundry without bitching for five hours because of it. +21640,4,"A little Muslim kid losts his mom at the supermarket The assisant asks him: ""What does your mom look like?"" The kid says: ""I have no idea""" +21641,1,What are three two letter words for short? Is it in. +21642,1,Why are Goalkeepers always doing laundry? They love having clean sheets +21643,3,I've been to the year 3000... Nothing much has changed but Article 50 still hasn't been triggered. +21644,0,What do you call a shower with no water? A golden shower. +21645,10,"“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”" +21646,3,"The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question... A passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask a question. ​ The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 3 centimetres from a department store shop window. ​ For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said ""Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"" ​ The passenger apologized and said ""I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."" ​ The driver replied ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver and you are my first passenger. For the last 25 years I've been driving a funeral hearse.""" +21647,0,What's a terrorist's favourite chess opening? c4 +21648,0,"Three guys are sharing a jail cell. One on PCP, one on LSD, and the third baked out of his mind on marijuana... They decide to escape prison. The guy on PCP says ""easy, I'll bend the bars and we'll escape the cell"" The guy on LSD says ""yeah, and when we get out I'll shoot laser beams from my eyes and melt the walls so we can escape the prison"" The guy on weed says ""that sounds like a great idea guys, but let's do it tomorrow...""" +21649,1,What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits +21650,0,Three guys walk into a bar.... the fourth ducks. +21651,2,Are you a cactus? Because you're a prick +21652,0,I can't think of jokes on the spot I'm not really sure why I have to stand on a small dot to make jokes anyway +21653,1,"Virgin wife A fellow talking to his friend says, ""How can I know that my girl is a virgin ?"" Friend tells him, ""You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what is it. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."" So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says ""What is this?"" ""That's a penis!"" she replies. ""Great,"" he sighs, ""I thought you were going to call it a cock."" ""Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"" " +21654,2,I played monopoly once and landed on every spot on the board except for one... I never stood a chance. +21655,0,Looking up at a falls first cold clear night sky... Maybe tonight I can see Orion's Uranus! +21656,2,What do you get when you pay $0.55 to see a 50 Cent concert? A nickel back. +21657,2,How often do planes crash? Just once. +21658,1,What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar? An twerp +21659,7,"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. ""Hey, girls,"" says the brunette, ""let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."" So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. ""That was fun,"" says the brunette. ""We should do it again sometime."" ""No way,"" says the blonde. ""I almost got caught.""" +21660,0,"Someone knocks on a man's door He opens the door and there stands a snail, as he dislikes snails he chucks it in the bushes and closes the door after him. 3 years later someone knocks on the door and the man opens it again, the same snail stand there and say ""What was that good for?""" +21661,0,"What happened January 14, 1943? The Germans celebrated and Jew be late" +21662,2,Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner. Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25) +21663,4,"Two guys want to go out drinking. They both have no money, but only 50 Cent. ""No worries"" said the first guy ""I have an idea, how we can drink the whole night anyway. Let's go to the butcher and buy a sausage for 50 Cent. I put it in my pants. We go to a bar and after finishing our drinks, you go on your knees, open my pants and put the sausage in your mouth until we get kicked out"". The other guy is sceptical about this endavour, but eventually agrees. They go to a bar. After finishing their beer, the guy goes on his knees, opens the other guy's pants and puts the sausage in his mouth. The bartender is furious, screams insults and kicks them out. After leaving, the one guy asks the other victoriously. ""So, did we pay anything?"". ""No"" the other guy had to admit. They repeat the procedure: drinking, kneeing, sausage, getting kicked out. Bar after bar, after bar, after bar... After fifteen bars, the one guy complains. ""Man, I can't go down anymore. My knees hurt so badly!"". The other one goes ""What about me, man?! After five bars, I already lost the god damn sausage!""" +21664,2,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer perform juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman don’t have an ideal view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, ""Can you all see me now?"" ""Yes"" ""Oui"" ""Sí"" ""Ja""" +21665,2,I wanted to post a joke about Sodium But I was like Na people will not understand. +21666,0,"Knock knock. Who's there? Dormammu, I've come to bargain. Dormammu, I've come to bargain who? Dormammu, I've come to bargain." +21667,6,"Body Pain A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.” “That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean” So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, “You’re not a natural brunette are you?” “No I’m a blonde”, she replies. “I thought so…. your finger is broken.”, replies the doctor. " +21668,0,You know The Bachelorette producers have run out of ideas when they say Phuket for the final rose ceremony. +21669,1,(NSFW) What's the lightest thing ever? A penis. Even just a thought can lift it! +21670,1,"God is creating the world The Archangel Michael flies up to him just as god is creating a piece of land. ""So what are you going to call this place, sir?"" asks Michael. ""I am going to call it Israel. I'll make it the most beautiful land in the world, an oasis in the desert, with rich land, beautiful women and magnificent beaches. And I'm going to call its residents Israelis. They will be the smartest people in the world, the bravest soldiers and the best financiers,"" answers God. ""But, Sir,"" says Michael, ""isn't that too much for one land, one group of people?"" ""Nah,"" replies God with a smirk. ""Wait till you see the neighbors I give them."" " +21671,0,What sells the most at a Mexican restaurant... Explosive diarrhea +21672,3,"Guy has a bad eye pain Guy has a bad eye pain, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye. The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening. After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?! The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it. " +21673,3,"dirty johnny and sex ed dirty johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. during the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a ""penis"". it was ""penis"" this and ""penis"" that. the class behaved as if it understood. immediately following class, all the students gathered around dirty johnny. ""johnny, what's a penis?"" nobody had a clue. dirty johnny said he would ask his dad when he got home. when dirty johnny got home, his dad was there. ""dad, what's a 'penis'?"" his father unzips his pants, shows johnny his dick and says, ""this is a perfect penis."" johnny replied, ""thanks, dad. i'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."" the next day, all the students gathered around. ""what did your dad say, dirty johnny?"" johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. ""this is a penis. and if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!""" +21674,0,"If your father is poor, it's not your fault... But if your father-in-law is poor, it is your fault. " +21675,2,What do you call an insect in a Muslim place of worship? A mosque-ito! +21676,1,My wife caught me manscaping.... when she asked me what I was doing....apparently meal prep for her was not the right answer. +21677,4,"My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain. Our son commented, ""The rain is wet."" My friend laughed and said, ""Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"" ""He's always doing that,"" my wife said. ""I don't know who he gets it from..."" she laughed, pointing in my direction. After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, ""He gets it from me.""" +21678,1,"A Russian guy catches a goldfish [NSFW] She grants him three wishes. Russian asks for a beer glass that never empties. So the fish grants him that. The Russian enjoys his infinite beer and asks for 2nd wish: ""Give me a woman, but a midget, at height of my waist, so she can blow me while standing"" So... the Russian is enjoying his beer, blowjob and life in general but fish eagerly asks for third wish. Russian can't really think of anything, but he feels that his hand is kinda getting tired... ""Hey, can you make top of her head flat?"" " +21679,3,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I accidentally put on dirty socks this morning. +21680,4,"A rapist, a sexist and a racist walk into a bar Barman: How can I help you Mr. President?" +21681,1,What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? You might have graduated but I have got many degrees. +21682,0,Be careful this winter... I saw black guys slip on black ice and get black eyes. +21683,10,"One day I'll pretend to be gay... I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it...... BAMM!! !! !! ... I'll fuck their boyfriends" +21684,1,"My car ran out of petrol... I was on the highway when my car broke down. I looked at the indicator, and I saw I ran out of petrol. Suddenly a talking bee outside my window said ""oh you ran out of petrol"" I replied ""yeah"". The bee replied ""I can fix that, I'll get my friends hold on"". After a few minutes I see my gas fill up. I asked the bee ""what did you put in my car"". The bee said ""BP""" +21685,4,What award was given to the best Knock Knock joker? The No-Bell prize! +21686,4,What do girls call guys who are less than 6 feet tall? Friends. +21687,2,"My 85 year old uncle woke up with a stiffy He said ""Look honey, I got a woody"". My aunt replied, ""Good, let's clean it while he got the wrinkles out!""" +21688,4,How did the tree get on to Reddit? It just logged on... +21689,0,"My wife has awful grammar and texted me, ""I havta start watching my weight, otherwise I might get fat."" I thought I'd correct her by writing, ""No, Hunny. It's I havta start watching my weight, otherwise I might get fatter.""" +21690,0,Why did Cerberus choose Hades as his master? Because Hades is a hot god +21691,0,"A man and his wife go out to lunch An older man and his wife go out to lunch one day during their lunch breaks. During their meal the wife looks upset, so the husband asks ""is there a problem dear?"" To which the wife replies ""yeah, my problem is I am 55 years old and I can't remember the last time that we had sex."" After a long silence the man tells his wife ""tell you what, today after work let's go out to that new fancy restaurant and see where the night takes us."" So they finish their meal and return to their jobs. On the way back to work, the wife's engine starts to smoke up so she pulls over and calls her husband. Being on opposite sides of the city, the man is on his way but it'll take 45 min-1 hour. So in the meantime she calls a mechanic. The mechanic comes and is unable to figure out what's wrong with her car so he calls up his co-worker to come take a look. His co-worker comes but is also unable to figure out what's wrong so he calls his boss. The boss shows up, takes a look, and starts to fix it. Two minutes later the husband pulls up and asks ""what's going on?"" To which the mechanics smile and reply ""just fixing your wife's problem sir!""" +21692,3,The best feeling in the world is waking up realizing that you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of what you did in your dreams... That is until my wife wakes up and I have to deal with the repercussions of what I did in HER dreams +21693,0,"Hello, just calling to see if you have any AAAA batteries in stock? ""We do have batteries, sir, but I don't see why you had to scream.""" +21694,1,"Dating is a lot like Blackjack: While 21 is the ideal, with 14 or below you are definitely gonna hit it. ( inspired by a joke by u/thomasswaggyt_ )" +21695,2,What's the worst thing you can tell a cat to do? Tell it to knock it off. +21696,0,I really hate the traffic in Cambodia.... But I just can't take the slow crawl to work. +21697,2,"I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015 Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night." +21698,0,"Surprise! A man was having sex with his neighbour. He said ""your boobs are bigger than my wife"" Then she said ""yeahhh!! Even my husband told that your wife's boobs are smaller than mine"" *awkward silence*" +21699,3,"Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location? Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix 911: Can you spell that? Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there. " +21700,0,"Why are doors boring? Because they only like ""knock knock"" jokes " +21701,0,"Hey girl, I feel like I'm at church when I'm with you, I know it doesn't help me but I get oddly aroused." +21702,1,"My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius! That ""alcohol in blood"" had a funny name for an IQ test." +21703,2,Did you hear about the cow that tried to hurdle a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster. +21704,2,I was going to get a sex change. But I couldn't quite pull it off. +21705,6,"A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. ""Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"" Moshe replied, ""I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"" " +21706,2,People don't typically wear glasses while boxing.... It's more of a contacts sport +21707,4,"Three hawks had a hunting contest The first one went and came back with blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said ""Do you see that tree over there?"". They said ""yeah"". He said ""I hunted a rabbit near it"". The second one went and came back with even more blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said ""Do you see that rock over there?"". They said ""yeah"". He said ""I hunted a deer near it"". The third one went and came back with blood all over him. They asked him what happened. He said ""Do you see that lamppost over there?"". They said ""yeah"". He said ""I didn't.""" +21708,1,"69 years ago 69 years ago both India and Pakistan got independence on this day. Indians have become heads of Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Jaguar, Land Rover and Pakistanis have become heads of Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jammat U Dawa, Hijbul Mujahideen Also India entered Mars but Pakistan still trying to enter India." +21709,1,"Two nails A mathematician is tasked with removing two nails from a wall. One of the nails has been hammered all the way into the wall, the other only halfway. The mathematician thinks the nail that's completely embedded looks like a more interesting challenge and starts working on that one. Using tongs, a crowbar, and some elbow grease he is finally able to pull the nail out of the wall. He then looks at the other nail and thinks to himself: ""Well this can be reduced to an already solved problem"" and hammers the rest of the nail into the wall." +21710,0,A 50 yr old man was caught buying roofies by an undercover cop “ it’s not what it looks like “ explained the old man “ My ugly obese wife wants to have sex so I take these roofies so that I won’t remember the details“ +21711,0,What do bears like about music? The beats +21712,1,Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died. +21713,0,Two astronauts are floating in space The first one asks: Why can't I move in the direction I want to? The second replies; I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. +21714,0,I'm not going to a gas station again! My Tesla Model S is super good on gas! +21715,1,What's a vampires favorite beer? Bloodweiser. +21716,0,"A man wanders through the dessert. A man wanders through the dessert completely exhausted. just as his strength is about to give out he notices a house. The old cowboy living there generously allows him to stay the night on one condition he can't sleep with the man's daughter or wil be punished 3 times. The man happily agrees to the proposal and goes of to bed. However during the night he is overcome with lust and decides to sneak into the daughter's chamber for a passionate night. The next morning he awakens with an enormous stone on his stomach and a note that says ""1e punishment"".He throws the stone uit of the window and only then notices a second note with ""2e punishment"" on it and a rope attached to his right nut. the man immediately jumps uit of the window and notices a third note on the outside of the window with says ""3e punishment"" and a rope connecting his left nut to the bed." +21717,1,"After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why. Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*..." +21718,0,How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day? None +21719,1,What do you call a tribal poet? Shake-A-Spear! +21720,2,"Message from Europe European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you? American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it. European: If you get robbed, should the police help you? American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it. European: If you get hurt, should doctors help you? American: Absolutely not! We dont want socialist propaganda." +21721,1,"Hypercool Did you know that if you freeze someone at -273.15 degrees Centigrade, they will be 0K" +21722,2,My ex-wife still misses me.... But her aim is steadily improving. +21723,1,"The Weed-eater Two guys are sitting out side of college registration comparing schedules. We'll call them Larry and David Larry: What did you get on your schedule for this semester? David: Oh... College algebra, Psych 101, English 101, you know.. just the basics. Larry: I got college algebra, psych and english, too. And a class called Logic. David: What's Logic Larry: I have no idea. David: Don't you think you should find out before you take the class? ​ So Larry goes to his adviser and asks him about Logic. Larry: I'm enrolled in this class called Logic, but I have no idea what that is. Can you help me out? Adviser: Well, it's kind of hard to explain but..... well, here's an example; Do you have a weed-eater? Larry: Yes Adviser: So, logic says if you have a weed-eater you probably own a lawn-mower, too. Do you? Larry: Yes Adviser: So, logic says if you own a lawn-mower, you probably own a house with a lawn. Larry: Yes I do. Adviser: So logic says if you own a house, you probably have a family. Larry: Yeah I have a family. I have a wife and a kid. Adviser: Well, in that case, logic says if you have a wife that you're hetero-sexual. Larry: Absolutely. I think I see where this is going. Thanks for your help. ​ Larry goes back outside and meets with David. David: Did you find out what Logic was? Larry: Well, it's kind of hard to explain, but, do you have a weed-eater? David: No Larry: Fag." +21724,2,I have a hemp welcome mat. Some view it as a gateway rug. +21725,2,"A Rabbit, a Bear, And a Genie In The Woods A rabbit and a bear are chilling in the woods together when a genie suddenly appears. The genie says to the two of them 'I am a genie who can grant wishes. I will grant each of you three wishes, but think carefully because once I grant the wish it cannot be undone'. ​ Rabbit and Bear think for a moment before Bear is ready to make his first wish. Bear, who is lustful, says to the genie 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest', and the genie grants his wish. ​ Then Rabbit says to the genie 'I wish I had a motorcycle helmet', and the genie grants his wish, giving Rabbit a shiny new helmet. ​ Bear, still lustful and unsatisfied, says to the genie 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country', and the genie grants his wish. ​ Rabbit, ready to make his second wish, says to the genie 'I wish for a brand new motorcycle I can call my own', and the genie grants his wish. ​ Bear, still lustful as ever, says to the genie 'Genie, for my final wish I wish that I was the only male bear in the entire world', and the genie grants Bear his final wish. Bear, feeling happy as ever that all the female bears in the world will now only be able to mate with him, is finally satisfied. ​ Rabbit, ready to make his final wish, says to genie with a smile 'Genie, for my final wish I wish Bear was gay'. ​ The genie promptly granted Rabbit his final wish and Rabbit, with his new helmet and motorcycle rode off into the forest, leaving Bear behind as the only male bear in the world." +21726,2,"So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family... They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the Goose is on the table with the rest of the spread the very next night. Everyone is digging in and enjoying the food and each others company. The Daughter all of a sudden bit down on something hard, ""Ouch! wtf?"" Father says, ""It's just from the bird-shot honey, can't get them all. No worries."" Dinner goes on. Later that evening the daughter comes rushing out of the washroom to tell her mother that she was peeing and a pellet came out! Mom says, ""Its fine. Just from the bird-shot, remember?"" That calms the daughter down and they carry on. Some time after that. The Son comes running downstairs white as a ghost and barely able to speak! Mom asks, ""What's the matter?! Were you peeing and a pellet came out?"" Son replies, ""No! I was jacking off and shot the Dog!!""" +21727,0,Why can’t liberals follow traffic lights? Because they don’t see color. +21728,0,"A pirate walks into a bar... With a ships wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says ""Hey captain did you know you have a wheel on your crotch?"" The captain growls and says ""Arg it's driving me nuts!""" +21729,1,what do peasants use in place of aromatherapy? essential toils +21730,0,How many hackers does it take to hack the president? How the hack will i know? I'm sorry +21731,0,Halloween suggestion. Had a driver named Barry who was so short we had to weld a 3in extension on to his clutch pedal when we hired him. I suggested the next time he takes his daughter to a to a Halloween party he should go dressed in coveralls filled with dried grass. He asked me what I was suggesting he be. Straw Barry shortcake. +21732,1,"A man asks a farmer A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” " +21733,1,"My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well? Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals" +21734,4,I wish I had a home big enough for all the homeless people in my town. They wouldn't be allowed to come there. That's just how big I want my house to be. +21735,3,My Nephew's pet chicken died. I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted. +21736,1,wood fired pizza How's pizza gonna get a job now? +21737,2,Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven's odd. +21738,3,"Did you hear the names that drummer gave his four daughters? Anna One, Anna Two, Anna Three, Anna Four" +21739,0,Why aren't little kids able to get there nails done? Because then they'd be near pedi files. +21740,1,Gigolos are same as pentesters They both get paid to get inside. +21741,0,"Don't click if easily offended. ""Hey Dad I heard this cool joke today about a Jew and a Black guy!""""We will not have racism of any kind in my house little billy"" ""But dadddddd!"" ""No buts in this house son, this is a Christian house with morals! Now say your sorry."" ""I'm sorry dad."" ""Good son I'm proud of you.. Now it's your turn to sleep with mom tonight, I'll be sleeping with your sister.""" +21742,2,"My girlfriend says I have commitment issues! Well, technically she's my wife." +21743,1,I hear that Ajit Pai recently had an asshole transplant. The asshole rejected him. +21744,0,"Wife money management A wife calls her husband arround 3 pm: ""Honey, I have been to your office and took 200$ out of your jacket poket."" The husebad replies, verry chill:"" I haven't worcked in a office for 3 weeks now""" +21745,2,I love a good steak joke It's a rare medium well done. +21746,2,I realized that Oprah is one of the few celebrities to live up to her name. Because her audience members Winfrey stuff. ***I reposted because of typo in title. +21747,1,What is another name for a dental assistant? A flossitute. +21748,0,What's white & hangs from the clouds? The coming of The Lord. +21749,6,"Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet... ...in 3 hours and 38 minutes." +21750,0,Why is the capital of Thailand called Bangkok? Because you go there to bang cocks. +21751,1,A bogey man who's a pretty good guy is... Snot Bad. +21752,2,"Girl, are you a Collateralized Debt Obligation? Because a lot of rich people are trading you around and a few insiders have told me you're completely toxic." +21753,2,What's the best part of having Rick Astley as your father? He's never gonna give you up. +21754,2,If a cow with no legs is ground beef and a cow with three legs is lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Your momma +21755,1,What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe out of that thing?! +21756,0,Who would survive if Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were in an airplane crash? America +21757,0,Jesus' apostles were Mexican... ...Because there were twelve of them who traveled in an accord. +21758,4,"So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going He said ""Can't complain""." +21759,2,"Mosquitoes are like family... They might be a pain the ass, but they carry our blood." +21760,0,How must a fan spin during winter in order to best circulate heat throughout a room? In a circle. +21761,0,"We will have the air force, and the space force, separate but equal like the 50s" +21762,3,What is the most common pickup line in a gay bar? Can I push in your stool? +21763,0,Why don’t Democrats mind staying in hotel rooms with no windows? Because they couldn’t care less about other people’s views. +21764,0,What is The Joker’s favorite TV show? The Joaquin Dead +21765,1,What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. +21766,1,What is bruce lee's favourite drink? A fruit punch. +21767,4,I don't like how people love their fandoms more than their god Especially Star Wars fans I find your lack of faith disturbing +21768,0,What did the tuna say to the other tuna see you in the can! +21769,1,"I pulled into Chevron gas Station across from BofA to get some gas. I noticed these two police officers just standing there staring at a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her and thought, “you gotta be kidding me,” with the cops right there and all. Laughing and shaking my head, I finished pumping my gas. Then, I went inside to buy something and as I was standing at the counter, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the window and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around going crazy! I ran outside and saw that the officers had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees. Then, they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car. Being nosy I proceeded to ask the officers what they were arresting her for. One of the cops looked me square in the eyes and said... ""Waving a firearm.""" +21770,0,What do you call an ostrich that practices magic? An ostwitch +21771,0,"39485 Sorry for the repost, but this is a classic that never fails to make me laugh!" +21772,3,What do you call an expert in psychedelics? A trip advisor. +21773,1,What did copper say to lawrencium? Cu later. +21774,0,If your skin is a security system... ...then pimples have already been granted abscess. +21775,4,"What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish." +21776,0,Why are libraries so quiet? There's no one in them. +21777,3,Whats the difference between gay and lesbian? The search results +21778,2,"A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla walks into a bar and says, ""A scotch on the rocks, please."" The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. ​The bartender thinks to himself, ""This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks,"" and gives him 15 cents change. ​The bartender says, ""You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."" ​The gorilla replies, ""Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either.""" +21779,1,What do skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetit! +21780,0,"I find countries, especially African ones, to be hot. I mean, Kenya see Djibouti? Uganda see it." +21781,0,"If you get on a plane these days you're not allowed to take shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste, liquid soap, etc. And I'm thinking, ""Aren't they the very things a Muslim wouldn't be carrying anyway?"" " +21782,10,"What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator." +21783,1,I am so incredibly slow at putting up decorations you could say I am ornamentally retarded +21784,2,What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 hoes +21785,0,"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Just asking, hypothetically, for my friends. For one friend. An acquaintance. I'm not involved here. It's just a hypothetical question." +21786,2,Why couldnt the feminist screw in a lightbulb? Because there was a glass ceiling. +21787,2,I introduced a miner to some heavy metal. The Miner really digs the music. +21788,6,"After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: ""Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."" Husband: ""What's up?"" Wife: ""According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."" Husband: ""Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.""" +21789,2,The cops raided our house and set off my epilepsy... Talk about a search and seizure +21790,1,"Breaking through the glass ceiling A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, ""Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"" The husband replies, ""If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman contractor to fix it. You'll break through in no time.""" +21791,0,"So There's 1000 Nuns So there is this order of a thousand nuns who are on a pilgrimage. They go out into the wilderness and they walk all day, until finally near sunset, they see a large hotel surrounded by nothingness. This is a really big hotel, but it can only fit 500 people, so the more senior nuns got to go inside and sleep the hotel and half of the nuns had to stay outside and sleep on the ground. So they stay the night and in the morning, the nuns come out of the hotel and they find all of their sisters outside had been slaughtered in the night. Of Course they’re really frightened, but the leader of the nuns, Mother Josephine, insisted that they continue on the pilgrimage. And in the distance, one of the nuns spots a small figure riding away in the direction they must go. So the remaining 500 nuns march away into the wilderness, and they walk all day and near sunset, they find themselves in front of a large mansion, but it’s only big enough to fit 250 people, so again half the nuns have to stay inside. They see no other option for miles around, so reluctantly they chose the most senior nuns to stay in the house while the others stay outside. The next morning, like the one before, the nuns come out to find all of their fellow sisters outside have been killed in the night. One of the sharper nuns look off into the distance and sees the same figure, and can make out the figure was on top of some sort of pack animal, and again, the figure was going in the same direction as they were going. Some of the nuns wanted to go back, but Mother Josephine said, this is a test of god’s faith in us, we must continue our trek. SO they set off once again into the wilderness, and after a weary day of travel, they manage to find a really large house, big enough to be chosen sat and prayed for the ones outside, and they were very sad to see them left outside in the darkness. But once again, whey they woke up in the morning, they walked outside to find all of their sister dead. Some of the sisters look off into the distance and they can distinctly see a tall black rider on the back of what appeared to be a camel, going off towards the horizon, closer this time but still far away. They wearily continued their trek through the wasteland and near sunset they find themselves in front of a large cottage, roomy enough for 50 people to stay inside, while the other nuns did what they can to make themselves safe. They dug a ditch around where they were sleeping and filled it with sharpened spikes, and they set up a few nuns as watchers in the night, but all was to no avail for dawn the sun was up, another 50 nuns lay dead outside. The remaining nuns prayed and buried their dead, and this time they can clearly see a man riding a camel, going off into the distance, with a white turban and a dark blue tunic. They had come too far to give up now, so once again, they set off through the barren wastes to continue their holy mission. Near sundown, they happen upon a large hut, with barely enough room inside to squeeze 25 people into, and this time only the leaders of their order, the ones who had preached and gathered up disciples for years were chosen to sleep inside, while the remaining nuns set up fires and torches to ward off any attack. The nuns inside were very sad to see them at their work for they knew that they were in great danger, and indeed whey dawn broke, those outside were once again found dead. Shaken, but still faithful, the nuns continue on their journey, and the mysterious figure was even closer than before. They can see him not a mile away, riding away on a camel in the same direction that they were going. When it was nearing dusk, they found an abandoned shack that could only fit 10 people inside. The order’s 10 most faithful nuns were chosen to sleep inside, while the others stood vigil throughout the night, praying god to help them in their time of need, but all they did was for naught for when the sun rose in the east, all those who were outside had met their end. The remaining 10 nuns were all very old, having been preaching and helping the unfortunate for many, many years, so they made their way more slowly through the desolate land. Throughout the day, they could see the man on the camel, his dark black hair, his billowing robes, the bags on the back of his camel. He was but half a mile in front of them, and always heading in the same direction as they were. Soon, the shadows began to lengthen and just before night fell, they found themselves in front of this tiny lean-to that could just barely fit 5 people inside. They picked the 5 most respected nuns out of them all, most of them founders of their order, the original good souls who had helped so many people. They tearfully said goodbye to one another as the 5 who were not so lucky made a camp for the night. And in the morning, there were 5 fresh corpses to bury. They continued, their grief was heavy, but their faith kept them strong. The mysterious figure was just a quarter mile away, his long hair blowing in the breeze. They could see the tassels at the end of his saddle, his shiny boots, and his flowing robes that were so light they could have only been made of silk. Together, they marched though the parched landscape, and at night, they found basically a rock with a hole in it large enough for 3 nuns to crawl into. The 5 set down together and decided that Mother Catherine, their eldest, Mother Abigail, their wisest, and Mother Josephine, their leader, was to remain inside. The other 2 bid their farewell and went unafraid into the darkness, strong in their faith. And when dawn broke, they were found dead. The remaining three nuns, each helping each other, supporting one another, made their way across the ruined countryside. The figure was within hailing distance now, and no matter how they called, he never turned around or made any movement as if he heard anything. But still they continued, though the sun was hot and the going hard. Before long, the sun had almost set and they found themselves in front of a wooden bathroom stall, big enough for barely one non to squeeze into for the night. Mother Catherine said to Mother Josephine, long have I lived in the world, and I have tended many a man who was sick and dying, so I have no fear of death. Please, let me stay outside. Mother Abigail said, long have I pondered over the books in the Monastery, and I know the lord will have mercy on my soul if I die. You are our leader, and you deserve this chance to complete our great task, let me stay outside. So reluctantly, Mother Josephine went inside to spend the night, and in the morning, her two oldest and dearest friends were dead. And then she turned her head and the mysterious figure was right there, and she yelled at him, STOP! And he did. Mother Josephine then asked him. Are you the one who’s been killing all the nuns? And he said No. (Y'all hate me don't you?) (This has been posted elsewhere on reddit but it's never been posted to r/jokes before, and it was posted like 5 years ago and I first heard it elsewhere so I just wanted to share it)" +21792,0,What'd the lightning bolt say to the guy who mumbles? Watt? +21793,1,"A buddy of mine is working on a program to fit large birds with new clothes, but he only gives them to birds with black feathers. I said ""Wow, that's some ostracizing ostrich-sizing!""" +21794,1,"MrBeast did the 24 hour Prison challenge. Jokes on him, my mom's been doing it for 5 years and my dad, for 17." +21795,0,If I had a dollar for every gender I could possibly be... I'd have $2.00. +21796,3,What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until you’re 13 to come on your face. +21797,1,I used to date Rick Astley. I guess you could say that we’re no strangers to love. +21798,1,I believe the theological philosopher Thomas Aquinas was rather overweight...... I guess this makes him an early deep fat friar +21799,1,What do you call chickpeas cooked in a waffle iron? Fawaffle! +21800,10,"A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, ""First class isn’t going to Sydney.""" +21801,0,"According to a recent study, women with large breasts are more successful in their career than Men with large breasts " +21802,2,There are 2 types of people in the world... 1. People that are vaccinated +21803,8,"A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey. Bartender: ""Wow, that's a hefty order."" Guy: ""Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: ""Still not over your brother?"" Guy: ""No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay..."" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: ""More bad news I assume?"" Guy: ""Yep, uncle this time..."" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: ""DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?"" Guy: ""Yep....My Wife"" " +21804,0,What is blue and doesn't fit A dead epileptic +21805,0,What is the worst thing about being a black Jew ? You have to sit in the back of oven. +21806,2,If you're German and autistic? Wouldn't you be auschwitztic? +21807,0,"Adam and Eve are going for a swim in the see. First Eve goes and swims around for a little bit. She comes out off the water and God Said ""Goddamm now i will never get that smell out of the fish""" +21808,2,What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 🥕 +21809,0,"Welcome to the national hot dog/sausage convention. Don't eat the German ones, they're ze wurst." +21810,0,How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. +21811,0,I've booked a flight with Southwest Airlines. I hope it's a blast! +21812,0,How can you tell if you have an overbite? When you are eating a girl out and it tastes like shit! +21813,3,"What has two legs, one wheel and flies? A wheelbarrow full of shit. From an old bartenders joke book. " +21814,1,What did the scientist plant for Christmas A Chemis-tree +21815,1,"A man walks into his house with his face looking like Tom Cruise A man walks into his house with his face looking like Tom Cruise. When his three brothers asked what happened, he said, "" Come with me."" The three followed their brother until they reach a waterfall. ""Say something that you want to look like and jump on the waterfall."" the man explained. The first brother shouted, ""Brad Pitt!"" and jumped. Alas! as he rose from the water, his face changed into similar to Brad Pitt's The second brother shouted ""Robert Downey Jr!"" and jumped. As expected, his face changed similar to Robert Downey Jr. The third brother excited as hell, decided to run and dive into the waterfall. As he was going to jump, he suddenly slipped and shouted. ""Oh Shit!""" +21816,0,Trump and USMCA Why did Trump call it the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement? Because United States-Canada And Mexico was too honest an acronym. +21817,0,I was dared to swallow a slug It went down squig-squiggly! +21818,2,What do you call a monkey in the Arctic? Lost. +21819,1,"There should be a pageant for minor criminals where it's based solely on their demeanor, not looks. Whoever wins will be crowned Miss Demeanor 2018." +21820,0,"My girlfriend broke up with me over text message... Her: ""I dn't think its ging to wrk ut"" Me: ""Why?"" Her: ""I dn't think yu and I are cmpatible and I met smene else"" Me: ""Are you having trouble finding the ""o""? Her: ""That 2""" +21821,0,"Trump and Kim agree to meet in May, you know what that means. The two stupidest haircuts in the world will finally meet." +21822,1,In determining whether or not I should go to Heaven Satan called forth Jesus as my witness. He was cross-examined. +21823,3,It’s my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon I’m fighting tooth and nail to make it happen +21824,0,I regret skipping grip day. Because now I can't get a hold of myself. +21825,1,TIL: Amy Winehouse spent the last moment of her life watching her own video clips on Youtube before her death. She must have read the comments. +21826,1,Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack. +21827,0,what's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth. +21828,1,What did Electrical teacher said to student in schock? join the resistance. +21829,0,What do the students at cannibal training school call the members of the incoming class below them (many of whom will be viciously preyed upon)? Fresh men +21830,2,"Adultery and grains of rice In a European country, in the 1930's, a man and a woman just got married. As they want to avoid any argument, they decide to ignore any cheating. But, as a confession, each time they have an affair, they have to put a grain of rice into a box. The two boxes would be opened in their old days. They finally decide to open the boxes in the 2000's. When they open the husband's box, they only find two grains of rice. The wife says: ""Well, you've been more loyal than I thought you were"". However, the wife's box is completely empty. The husband is really happy to see that. \\-You never cheated on me? Wow! \\-Not exactly... \\-Where are your grains of rice then? \\-How do you think I was able to put food on the table during the War?" +21831,3,Why was Aladdin disqualified from the Rio Olympics? He was on performance-enhancing rugs. +21832,2,"A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results. \\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me. \\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you" +21833,0,What do you call a women's poker night? Fish n Chips My wife says she just came up with this. It's funny because yeast infections. Her other joke was this: What do you call a bunch of those same women smoking weed together? Clam bake. +21834,5,Cigarettes are like Squirrels... They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire +21835,0,Mecca should turn into a transformer in the next transformer movie They'll name it Meccatron +21836,0,Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? +21837,2,Why did the teenager hire the prostitute? For the hormones... +21838,2,All sea monsters jokes are... Kraken me up +21839,2,"Superman is flying through Metropolis Superman is flying through Metropolis, feeling rather horny. He glances around, and spots Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread apart. Using his super speed, Superman flies over to her, does what he came to do, and in the blink of an eye, is gone. ""What was that?"" Wonder Woman asked, aloud. ""I don't know,"" said the Invisible Man on top of her, ""but every repost of this joke is a real pain in my ass.""" +21840,3,What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter +21841,0,Why did the small whale carry a toothbrush? ...it serves a porpoise. +21842,6,"Well, OJ has been paroled. The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they ""decided to give him another stab at it.""" +21843,0,"I am frank and earnest with women ... ... In Fresno, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest." +21844,0,What is Hitlers favorite video game? 999. +21845,0,How many remoaners does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They won’t do it because they’re scared of change. Even when its better for the country 🇬🇧 +21846,0,"Three men are on an expedition to the Amazons They get captured by local savages, tied and brought to the head of the tribe. 'White men are destroying our land' he says, showing a pile of garbage, with electronics, pots, forks, newspapers. 'You're gonna swallow your trash, and then i'm gonna let you leave, but if you fail, we'll skin you alive and make canoes out of your skin' The first guy asks for a smartphone, he tries and he tries but it doesn't pass his troath, he is then killed The second guy asks for a newspaper, gags on it and is then killed. The third guy asks for a fork, snatches it from the chief's hand and starts ferociously stabbing himself 'Let's see how you're gonna do your canoe now !'" +21847,0,"Wanna hear a really cheesy joke? Sorry, I ate it. I just *can't* resist cheese." +21848,1,"Donald Trump banned Jesus from church: ""No people with mexican names in my church!""" +21849,1,What is the most common phrase used by Stephen Hawking? Fuck you auto correct! +21850,2,"kids at wedding kid: Mom, why does the bride wear white clothes? mother: because it is the happiest day in her life. kid: So, why the groom is wearing black?" +21851,1,Whats the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures. +21852,0,The NAACP was thinking of changing their name to the National Association for the Advancement of African Americans Then they decided naaaa +21853,1,So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor.... Man:How much time do I have left Doctor: Ten Man: Ten what I don’t understand Doctor: Eight +21854,2,Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard? Yeah neither did she. +21855,0,What do you say to a bodybuilder to get him to repeat you? No Whey +21856,1,Me: I can't believe that they're still together after all the shit they have been through! Friend: Who? Me: My ass cheeks. I've got a bad case of diarrhea! +21857,0,"Me and my girlfriend broke up. She said “I’m breaking up because I need some space” So, I got her a job at NASA She said ""I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation."" ​ So after that breakup I started adding space everywhere. I was arrested for being the rapist. When all i was, was just a therapist." +21858,2,What do you get a slav for a birthday present? A squat rack +21859,1,This furniture store keeps emailing me all I wanted was one night stand! +21860,0,What do Leonardo DiCaprio & anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common? Their odds of winning are the same +21861,0,How many geese does it take to form a gaggle... 5 or more +21862,3,How does a narcoleptic swimmer keep from drowning? With a snorekel. +21863,1,What's it called when there's an accident at a construction site? Erectile dysfunction. +21864,4,"I went to bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on. “You’re pulling my leg,” I said. " +21865,2,What do you call it when a yellow jacket has inflammation of the liver? Hepatitis Bee +21866,0,What job does the dominatrix have on the heist? The safe +21867,0,"I always thought the kids in my high school hated me… …they called me stupid and a faggot. But I stayed positive and my senior year they voted me most likely to suck seed. Thanks, guys!" +21868,5,Why is Europe like a frying pan?? They both have Greece at the bottom!! +21869,0,"Ah, the weather outside is similar to my wallet, It's absolutely clear" +21870,1,You say I have a drinking problem... But I won't let you ruin my Tuesday morning buzz. +21871,1,"The Democratic Response (in response to similar joke posted by Republicans yesterday) I recently asked my white friend's son what he wanted to be when he grows up. He said he wanted to be President some day. Both of his parents, conservative Republicans, were standing there, so I asked him, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' He replied, 'I'd cut taxes for the wealthiest people in the nation.' His parents beamed with pride. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told him. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll send $50 to Rupert Murdoch. He thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why don't you give the money to me?' I said, 'Welcome to the Democratic Party.' His parents still aren't speaking to me." +21872,6,Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath. +21873,1,How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Change is inevitable. +21874,0,"A Job Applicant Says He Can Do Mental Math Very Fast The interviewer says:"" all right, then tell me what is 15 times 23."" Without hesitation, he replies: ""47, sir."" The interviewer is stunned: ""Well... that's terribly off the mark."" He smiles confidently, ""But it's very fast, isn't it?""" +21875,0,"Why aren't we letting Islamic people get off at airports? I thought we wanted to keep them off our planes, not on them." +21876,2,'Police have announced that a psychic dwarf has escaped from custody.' 'They're looking for a small medium at large.' +21877,0,is dutch porn really saucy? becuase it's hollandaise +21878,7,"How can you tell an ant's gender? 1. Get a glass full of water 2. Throw the ant into the glass 3. If it sinks, it's girl ant 4. If it floats, it's boy ant Edit: Sorry about the repost, heard this joke from a friend, who, in turn, saw it on Twitter. :):" +21879,1,"A Bus Driver and his wife...... ...who had been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The Bus Driver was working hard cleaning the grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flowerbed. The Bus Driver says to his wife, ""Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!"" She ignores the remark. A little while later the Bus Driver takes his tape and measures the grill, and then he goes over to his wife while she is still bending over the garden and measures her rear and gasps, ""Geeeez, it really *IS* as wide as the grill!"" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night in bed, the Bus Driver begins feeling a bit horny. The wife responds, ""If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.""" +21880,2,Knock Knock *Who's there *The Kgb *The kgb who? *(Slaps person) we will ask the questions. +21881,2,Stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. +21882,2,Did you hear the dull story about the Japanese policeman's hatchet? It was an anti-crime axe. +21883,2,They say a woman’s work is never done Maybe that’s why they don’t get paid as much. +21884,0,"what is an idiot? Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No." +21885,2,What did the Spanish boy tell his father when his dad was leaving the city( Ciudad. +21886,1,What does Roadrunner's teenage son say? *Mope mope*. +21887,0,"A Mexican, a Cuban, and a Puerto Rican are in the back seat of a car. Who's driving ? Immigration. (ICE)" +21888,2,A good steak joke is hard to find. It's a rarely well-done medium +21889,3,Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog. Happy Valentine's Day! +21890,0,My mother treats me like a cat. Whenever I do something bad or annoy her she sprays me with a water bottle. +21891,0,I just purchased an entire flock of flamingos and have absolutely no egrets EDIT: A word +21892,3,Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff? Ba Dum Tsss +21893,1,I like my coffee how I like my women Not bitter +21894,10,What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action +21895,1,"A man gets a job at a car dealership He is given his first customer and asks him what he needs. The customer replies, “I need cargo space.” The man replies, “You need cargo space? Listen, car no go space. Car go land. Rocket go space. You no need car. You need rocket.” " +21896,6,I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed How could anyone stoop so low? +21897,0,"Phone Phone rings in the middle of the night. Hallo,  is this 55 55 555? No,  it's 55 555 55 Oh,  I'm sorry  to have woken you up. No worries,  I had to get  up anyway because the phone was ringing." +21898,1,"I found out I have Scoliosis God finally gave me curves, Shame they ll be surgically removed." +21899,4,"A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand... ""You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."" The witness replied, ""If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment.""" +21900,0,"I was in charge of creating a brochure for a new work release program at the local prison “Rappeling is such an easy skill, any idiot can learn it”, the brochure read. The program was rejected by the warden. Apparently, it was too con descending." +21901,0,People that say they are worthless are the most trustworthy people They don't even lie to themselves +21902,5,Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ? One is twenty and other is twenty too. +21903,0,"I was smoking on the train and the woman next to me told me she is now passively smoking my cigarette I was smoking on the train and the woman next to me told me she is now passively smoking my cigarette and inhaling 80% of it while i am only getting 20%, so i asked her to smoke the cigarette and take that 20% and give me 80%" +21904,3,"What do breasts and toys have in common? They're made for children, but Daddy always ends up playing with them " +21905,1,What do you call a dancing Latina with a yeast infection? Macarena and cheese +21906,2,"The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil. Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion. His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly" +21907,0,Two blondes walk into a bar.... Seems like one of them would have seen it. +21908,2,What do you call a female-to-male sex change operation? A strapadychtomy. +21909,2,"My brother asked me ""what does procrastination mean?"" I said ""I'll tell ya tomorrow""" +21910,4,A robber broke into my house the other day looking for money So I woke up and looked with him +21911,3,"Dad, can you help me with my homework? ""Sure son"" ""What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"" ""3 whales and two dolphins"" ""Thanks dad"" ""Anytime""" +21912,4,What did the Latin guy say after he had sex? Veni. Veni. Veni. +21913,2,What do you call an English dinosaur? Tea Rex +21914,0,What do you do when two robots that don't know if they believe in god Run a Di-agnostic on them +21915,1,Where do triumphant water fowl get their underwear? Victorious egret +21916,0,The recent scandal has interfered with Kevin Spacey's schedule... He says he got a little behind in his work. +21917,0,"How...I Don't Know!! I walked into a store yesterday, and saw that Isle 7 was green. When I asked why, this is what the manager said: ​ ""The stockboys can't do their job. so I asked retail to do it. He looked half dead and he kept saying to himself, 'Walking the *green isle*.'" +21918,3,Why would antivaxxers make terrible bartenders? They don’t approve of shots. +21919,2,"Jesus said, “come forth and win eternal life.” John came fifth and got a toaster." +21920,0,What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley +21921,1,"I went to an expensive resuraunt last night and nearly chose the venison but decided against it,... .. it was too dear." +21922,0,I lost my hearing and went to see a doctor... I wanted to hear what he had to say about it. +21923,1,"Is Caitlin Jenner a mutant? Yes, she is part of the X-Men" +21924,0,I like my women like I like my vodka Affordable and in need of cranberry juice +21925,0,A dear walks out of a gay bar and says I can't believe I blow 50 bucks in there. +21926,1,"The tyrant Stalin never said the word ""thank you"" his whole life Mostly because he didn't speak English. " +21927,4,How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black. +21928,4,My penis is in the Guinness book of records. At least it was till that book store lady kicked me out. +21929,0,Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles Diets are Hard! +21930,0,"I drank a bottle of Tequila last night and woke up with a Mohawk. Not the haircut. A big, sweaty Indian." +21931,0,Americans celebrate so prematurely 364 days until Christmas and they already have their decorations up. +21932,1,It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits +21933,2,"The Wright Way ""I think it is wrong that one company makes Monopoly."" -Steven Wright" +21934,0,My girlfriend is so conceited.... that during sex she yells out her own name... +21935,0,Why did the math teacher get fired? He couldn't differentiate the branches of calculus. +21936,0,How's the weather? It is good. 😂 +21937,0,"A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus. An angel descends and tells them ""Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."" To the Irishman, the angel said, ""Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drinking. We will tempt and test you to make sure you abstain."" He agrees. To the Greek, the angel said, ""You engage in perverted sexual practices. You can come back to life only if you remain celibate. We will test you to make sure you comply."" He agrees. To the Jew, the angel said, ""Your vice is greed. You can come back to life only if you reform your avaricious ways. But you will be tested."" He agrees. As the three resurrected men are walking down the street, they pass a bar. The Irishman resists. They pass a second bar. He resists again. They pass a third bar, and the Irishman can't resist any longer - he runs toward the bar and instantly disappears in a puff of smoke. Frightened, the Greek and the Jew continue walking. The Jew spots a penny on the ground, and is able to resist picking it up. Then it turns into a quarter. Still he resists. Then it turns into a dollar. He wavers, but still resists. It turns into a five. Nope. It turns into a ten. Nope. It turns into a $20 bill. He bends over to pick it up, and both him and the Greek disappear." +21938,1,What do you call a Scottish bartender? Phil MacGlass +21939,9,"Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates It's called ""Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans""" +21940,0,My wife decided to give up sex for Lent... Sadly I didn’t know it until Good Friday. (Actual conversation I heard recently) +21941,0,I was gonna make a pun... But the stress of making them is unbearable. +21942,0,"You people need to stop making jokes about 9/11. I find these jokes very offensive and not funny. In fact, my uncle died that very day on one of the planes. I still remember his final words before his death. ""Allahu Akbar!""" +21943,2,I spent 2 hours today making a belt out of used watches. What a waist of time. +21944,4,"Three guys walk into a wizard's bar They are greeted by an old man with a long beard at the bar who introduces himself as the bartender. ""Tonight only, for just $100, you can have an endless glass of anything in this bar!"" ""Yeah right!"" The first guy says. ""Bet you can't get me an endless, cold Moosehead!"" With a flick of the old man's hand, a cold Moosehead appears before the first guy! ""Not bad, but let's see if this is *actually* unlimited!"" In an single go, the first guy downs the entire beer. After opening his eyes again, however, he sees that the glass has already been refilled! ""No way!"" the first guys says in excitement, and after downing another Moosehead is pleased to watch it refill itself again. The first guy then thanks the wizard, pays the $100, then puts a $10 tip in the tip jar before heading out. The second guy, still in disbelief, says, ""This has got to be fake! I bet you can't get me an endless Mojito!"" Once again, with the flick of the wizard's hand, a Mojito magically appears before the second guy! He then downs three Mojitos which magically refills itself, then pays and puts a $50 tip in the jar before heading off. The wizard then looks to the third guy and says, ""And what will you have tonight, sir?"" The third guy immediately points to the tip jar and says, ""I'll have an endless glass of that!""" +21945,4,Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is... ...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska. +21946,1,Boobs are Proof that men can focus on two things at once. +21947,2,What’s Thanos’s sexual preference? Bisexual. Because he likes to keep his relationships balanced. +21948,2,"Why isn't the band ""1023 MB"" famous? They haven't had a gig yet." +21949,0,"New Blonde Paint Have you heard about DuPont's new Blonde paint? They are really excited about it and have put together a great slogan. Blonde paint, its cheap, not to bright, and spreads easily." +21950,0,My friend said he wanted a goatee.. I thought he said a GOAT TREE! +21951,4,I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke but you didn't like it. +21952,1,"A guy, today, told me to count my blessings, But I didn’t have to sneeze." +21953,7,"The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ""Timbuktu"". First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination---Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. " +21954,3,"Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War." +21955,0,"How many planets are there? Guy: How many planets are there? Girl: 8 Guy: Wrong, 7 after I destroy uranus" +21956,2,"A Plane Full of Americans, French and Cubans Crashes on an Island Full of Cannibals (Cuban Joke) The cannibals quickly round everyone up and separate them by nationality. First, they call forward the French. One of the Frenchmen tries to convince the cannibals that instead of cooking them they should try some delicious French cuisine instead. The cannibals let the French prepare a feast then surprise, kill, and eat them as part of the meal. Next, the Americans. They try to convince the cannibals to not eat them because the US will utterly destroy the island in vengeance for harm to its citizens. The cannibals smile and respond 'they won't hurt us if they don't know you survived to begin with' and eat them. Finally, the Cubans. As Cubans living in Cuba often travel abroad only in delegations (to make sure people don't try to run off), they send as their representative the *jefe de delegación* (delegación chief). Before being eaten, he demands a personal audience with the chief of the cannibals. The cannibals humor him and grant the audience. The Cuban says ""Let me start off by asking a few questions. First, do you have a CWC? Organization of Cannibal Women Communists?"" ""No,"" responds the chief, perplexed. ""What about a CCY? Communist Cannibal Youth organization?"" ""No."" ""Well then, you must have a CCP. A Cannibal Communist Party."" ""No,"" the chief repeats. ""Well then, I gotta ask, why are you guys all starving?""" +21957,1,Why did our ancestors use fire? because fireworks +21958,2,What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips +21959,0,There are so many Stand Up Comedians But I've yet to see a Sit Down Comedian +21960,1,"what did the libertarian say after I changed his flat tire? I did it all by myself, without any help from anyone. " +21961,0,"A singer named Cee got up on stage to do her act She was doing fine until a feral cat snuck into the nightclub from the alley and started chewing through the cables. The sound went all wacky and they eventually had to evacuate the nightclub for worries of an electrical fire. To add insult to injury, the local paper's music reviewer was there that night, and was merciless in his review. As the headline read, ""Cat sank Cee's set""." +21962,2,What do you call a hoe from Idaho? A tater thot. +21963,0,I'm in shape. Round is a shape. +21964,1,"On the the 31st of October... A group of friends were playing with an Ouija board in the attic of one of their houses. They lit 4 candles around the board and placed their hands on the planchet. One of them asks: ""Oh spirit of the board, how will I die?"" Silence followed... Another asks: ""Oh spirit of the board, what is my future?"" Silence followed again... Another asks: ""Oh spirit of the board, are you there?"" Suddenly all 4 candles blow out at the same time and the planchet starts to move at an alarming rate ""S...O...R...R...Y... ...THE SPIRIT OF THE OUIJA BOARD IS ON HALLOWEEN'S BREAK, PLEASE TRY AGAIN TOMORROW, THANK YOU"" " +21965,1,"Use a spongebob quote to describe your sex life ""Are you ready kids?""" +21966,0,What the zombie said One zombie to another : You look paler than usual. Zombie : Must be all the grey matter I've been eating. Yeah I know where the door is... +21967,9,Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers Will make your car look fucking stupid +21968,1,My friend is a great fisherman But terrible with women. He treats them like carp +21969,1,What's the difference between aged cheddar and regular cheddar? The aged cheddar isn't as sharp as it once was. +21970,0,Those French revolutionaries They must be fun at parties. +21971,1,What's Al Gore's dancer name? Algorithm. +21972,2,"A Blonde and a Brunette chatting. Brunette says Christmas falls on a Friday this year. Blonde says ""I hope it's not the 13th""" +21973,0,How do you circumcise a sperm whale 4 skin divers +21974,0,What did the Spanish bride-to-be have at her bachelorette party? A peen-ata. +21975,0,"A woman is giving birth in the hospital. After she gives birth to one boy and a girl, she passes out. Later, she wakes to see the nurse by her bedside ""Good news! Your children are both healthy, and your brother came by to name them. The woman looks at her in shock. ""Oh no, my brother's an idiot! What did he name them?"" ""Well,"" the nurse began. ""The daughters name is Denise. "" ""Oh well that's not bad, how about my son?"" ""Denephew.""" +21976,3,"Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?” Me - No man! She’s beautiful!" +21977,0,Why should you always avoid the food at a nudist colony? Because there's a good chance it's tainted. +21978,0,Why was AJAX disappointed? (programming) He never got a call back. +21979,4,My whole family loves iron It runs in our blood. +21980,0,I threw a boomerang a couple years back... I now.... *thwack* +21981,2,"I saw the expiration date on my condoms They say it takes thousands of years for latex to degrade, but apparently it's been longer than that since I've gotten laid" +21982,0,Why was 10 crying? Because he was caught in the middle of 9/11 +21983,8,"My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry." +21984,0,I put my Phone on Airplane Mode and threw it up in the air. The results were groundbreaking. +21985,0,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. +21986,0,"Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, ""Do you know who the father is?"" The prostitute replied, ""If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"" " +21987,1,What kind of TV shows do Jews watch? Soap operas +21988,0,"Did you hear about the book where someone died biting their nails? After reading it, I’d say it’s a real nail biter." +21989,4,Sometimes I wonder how Vegans survive with what little they eat Then I remember they just feed off attention +21990,3,"My landlord wanted to talk to me about my high heating bill... I said, ""come on by, my door is always open."" (thanks to u/porichoygupto)" +21991,0,What's the difference between IPA and EPO? I don't know if Lance Armstrong likes IPAs. +21992,5,"It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That���s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’" +21993,0,"There are 3 types of bad drivers: Asians, old people... and old Asian people" +21994,1,When you see geese flying to warmer a climate ever wonder why one side of the V is longer? It's because that side has more geese. +21995,1,Did you know balloons are going up in price? I'm sure it's just inflation. +21996,0,Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff Bu dum tss. +21997,0,What's the quietest food you can eat? Soylent. +21998,1,Why do men walk more and women talk more? Because men have three legs and women have four lips!! +21999,4,What happened when Cinderella got to the ball ? She gagged. +22000,1,Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket? She needed a good running mate. +22001,2,Always be sure to pay your exorcist. You don't want to be repossessed +22002,3,"I got roses for my girlfriend and she refused them, saying ""no, because then you'll want me to open my legs."" To which I replied ""why? Don't you have a vase?""" +22003,1,What is a CD's favorite music? Disco. +22004,2,"A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach... A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away! She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, ""Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"" A voice booms from the sky, ""Okay, Okay!"" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again, ""I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"" She responds, ""He had a hat....." +22005,10,My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic. But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely. ​ Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers! +22006,4,"I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said ‘Why? We don’t have gambling problems!’ I replied, ‘You wanna bet?’" +22007,1,"George and Mary met in the nursing home and things were getting serious. They decided it was time they took the relationship to the next level and went to Mary's room where she slowly began to undress. She had her blouse and bra off, and just as she was about to take her skirt off she said to George, who was a little hard of hearing ""I hope you'll be gentle with me George, I have acute angina"". George gave her an uncertain look and said ""Well I hope so, because your tits are fucked""." +22008,0,"Two bananas were digging a hole Suddenly one of them said: ""I'm quiting, my back is becoming crooked.''" +22009,0,Did you guys hear about gay 9/11? Never faget. +22010,2,"Whats the best part of having sex with a transgender? When you are hitting it from the back and go for the reach around, it feels like it went all the way through" +22011,3,I feel bad for the Kurds... They're stuck between Iraq and a hard place. +22012,3,It's okay password... ...I'm insecure too... +22013,3,"My First Time I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. " +22014,0,What's worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? A live one on the bottom. What's worse than that? It eating its way out. What's worse than that? It going back for seconds. +22015,2,Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel? Because he doesn’t have a Seoul. +22016,0,"I hung out with Salt and Peppa once Broke my pinky toe on coffee table in front of us and dropped straight to the ground. Now I’m squished in between the couch and the table, breathing heavily. They sprang up to my aid. Screaming, “What can we do to help? “ I could only muster up a few words, “Ahh! *sharp inhale* Push it!” " +22017,1,What did Jesus say when he disapproved of noodle dish made for him? Namen +22018,3,"Prisoners are telling jokes and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke. ""Number 256"" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs. ""Number 145"" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs. ""Number 323"" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one one guy is laughing a lot longer then rest. Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much. He replies:""It's the first time i heard this one ""." +22019,0,"A man has three kids. One day, the oldest daughter asks, “Dad, why was I named this way?” The man answers her saying, “Rose, when you were born, a rose fell on your head, and your mother named you Rose.” The middle child then asks, “Well, what about my name?” “When you were a child, Daisy, a daisy fell on your head, and your mother named you Daisy.” Then the third kid comes out of nowhere, asking about his name. The dad, taken by surprise, says, “Oh, hey Brick.”" +22020,0,"Today I heard about a specific set of insects that appreciate a good directional indicator. Apparently, time flies like an arrow. Also, fruit flies like a banana." +22021,5,I have an EpiPen My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important that I have it. +22022,4,What did the buffalo say to his son who's leaving for college? Bison. +22023,0,"What do you get if you mix a Redditor, a chinese, and an italian? Copy pasta" +22024,1,What do the pips and a vampire have in common? They’re both Gladys Knight +22025,0,I was in love with Peter Pan when I was little You might say I am pansexual +22026,2,"A blind cowboy walks into a bar... ...and after ordering his drink, asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, ""Well, I don't mind sir, but I must warn you that there are three rather dangerous blondes in this bar tonight. The first one by the pool table just got released from prison for murder yesterday. The second in the corner over there is the leader of the local gang. And the last one sitting right next to you is a professional boxer. So I must ask, are you really sure you want to tell this blonde joke?"" The blind cowboy thinks for a moment, shakes his head, and says, ""Nah, I don't wanna have to explain it three times.""" +22027,3,A man just proposed to a woman at a gym. She said no. Well that didn’t workout... +22028,1,"Three Guys Go to a House Party The host tells them beforehand, ""it's an costume party, you need to come dressed as an emotion."" They all agree. The first guy shows up, dressed in all red, the host asks ""what are you supposed to be?"" ""I'm red with anger."" The party-goer replied ""Go ahead."" The second guy shows up in all green, ""what are you?"" The man says ""I'm green with envy."" Alright, he's allowed in. The third guy arrives, the host opens the door and reveals the third man standing there, completely naked with his package resting snugly inside a small teddy bear. The host ask him ""what the fuck are you supposed to be?"" The man says ""I am deep in despair."" " +22029,1,"A monkey breaks out of the zoo... Animal control tracks him down and finds him on top of a tree. The chief of animal control brings out 4 items a bat, a dog, handcuffs and a shotgun. He says “now boys I’m gonna go up that tree and knock him out with the bat. The dog is trained to bite his balls, while he puts his hands over his groin in pain, we cuff him!”. A passerby asks “what’s the shotgun for?”. The chief responds “If the monkey happens to knock me out of the tree, shoot the dog!”." +22030,1,Do you know why they nailed Jesus on the cross? So he wouldn't fall! +22031,2,Teach a man to fish and you will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish and he will become a Nigerian Prince. +22032,5,"The Dave Joke Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"" ""No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, ""Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. ""No, no, just name anyone else,"" Dave says. ""President Obama,"" his boss quickly retorts. ""Yup,"" Dave says, ""Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington,"" and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, ""Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."" Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. ""Pope Francis,"" his boss replies. ""Sure!"" says Dave. ""I've known the Pope for years."" So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, ""This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."" He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, ""What happened?"" His boss looks up and says, ""It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'" +22033,4,My neighbor came up to me and asked if I knew anything about her missing underwear. I tell you I nearly shit her pants. +22034,4,I got a job at a bakery Because I really kneaded the dough +22035,0,"YO GRANDMA SO OLD... That you should please spend time with her. She's gonna live for a few more years and you want to at least say goodbye to her on her final year. But anyways, THANOS THOUGHT SHE WAS ALREADY DEAD." +22036,2,An old man asks his doctor for a half dose of Viagra Doc: I'm afraid that a half dose won't quite be enough Old man: Oh I don't want a full erection. I just want a little lift so I stop peeing on my shoes! +22037,0,What do you call an immigrant who runs across the border? A Cross Country athlete. +22038,0,You could tell the priests at the wedding were in agreement. They were on the same Page. +22039,0,"I was looking into the sky and I thought, why does that plane look bigger the closer it gets... then it hit me." +22040,2,How are girls and rocks similar? The flat ones get skipped +22041,1,"I was walking down the street when a group of kids threw a block of cheese off me, they burst into laughter and I yelled “That’s not mature is it”" +22042,0,"Did you know that there are 2 main ways to put your baby to sleep under your influence? You can rock it to sleep, and you can stone it to sleep." +22043,1,what game did adolph hitler buy his kid? mein kraft +22044,2,"I went Chopin But I forgot my Liszt, so I went Bach home." +22045,5,"I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan." +22046,0,What bathroom does Roy G. Biv use? The colored one. +22047,1,I decided not to let C into my fancy club. It lacks class. +22048,2,"Hey, you know how geese migrate in a V shape? Sometimes one side of the V is longer than the other - do you know why? -""No, why's that? "" -More geese." +22049,0,I'm a serial kidnapper That's why they love me at kindergarten +22050,0,Yo mama so fat.... ...she uses a comforter for a wash rag. +22051,0,"A fat guy orders a burger, and the waiter says ok. The guy says Id like bacon on that, but the waiter refuses. We have bacon but we cant serve it to you. Why not? We dont serve cannibals." +22052,0,Do you wanna eat something my mom made? Me! +22053,0,What’s the sweetest type of musician? A candy rapper +22054,0,What do you call a fat person with Tally marks on their stomach? A tally tubby. +22055,0,Why does Gordon Ramsay hate WWE? Because it's RAW +22056,2,You'll see... YOU'LL ALL SEE! -My Optometrist +22057,0,Have you heard the one about the Chinese prostitute? She's Ho Ping for Johns. +22058,0,My body has turned green and it's itching... ... I think I'm in Greenwich +22059,3,What'd the difference between Net Neutrality and Ajit Pai? Net Neutrality would be missed if it died. +22060,0,To say I was unpopular as a child is a huge understatement. Neither of my parents showed up to my birth. +22061,1,"Kids are like drugs. In moderation they can be super fun, but If that's all you do and talk about... You're going to lose some friends." +22062,0,What type of bait do master fishermen use? Masturbate. +22063,0,"At 10,600 the Ariel Atom V8 500 is one of the highest revving cars in the world. But even that beast has nothing on France." +22064,1,Have you heard about the homosexual wizard? He disappeared with a poof +22065,5,Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money i make. Then they call me ugly and poor +22066,1,My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving. +22067,2,Mu friend's butler lost his left arm. Serves him right. +22068,0,People think I am playing Pokemon go. But I am really just taking pictures of their children. +22069,0,How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool +22070,1,What do Charlie Sheen and Bruce Willis have in common? They both had their old slot filled by Ashton Kutcher. +22071,6,Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency? So the men can think of a solution in silence. +22072,1,"An Agitated Man Rushes to the Psychologist The Agitated Man tells the psychologist frantically, ""I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"" The psychologist tells the man, ""Hey, relax, you're two tents!"" " +22073,0,I've seen cars without license plates go VERY fast That thing must have some heavy wind resistance. +22074,4,"I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child... The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, ""Degree, wait for me!"" I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; ""Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?"" The woman laughed and said ""I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead.""" +22075,0,"Yesterday, after 9 months of pregnancy, Amy Schumer gave birth. She completely shattered the record of shortest pregnancy for an elephant." +22076,2,All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place... They were having a shindig. +22077,0,What docyou call it when a Soviet dies comedy? Stand up Commedy +22078,2,"60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ?? Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased. Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked the dial until it can't crank no more and I've got these huge bags under my eyes. Doc examines her for a while and says Mrs those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts and she replied; that would explain the unexpected goatee I'm wearing !! " +22079,0,Let's see how fast this makes it to the front page... Dx Riding off the fumes of another joke. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. 99% of Americans won't get this... The other 1% will take offense to this. +22080,0,What do you call a large vehicle that hauls vegetables? The short bus. +22081,0,How do you tell apart a guitarist and a computer geek? Ask them if they think solid states are shitty. +22082,0,"A muslim man walks out of a handicap toilet A security guard notices he isn't handicaped and says ""sir, that toilet is for handicaped people only!"" The muslim man shouts back ""and you think being muslim in America isn't a handicap?"" " +22083,0,How to circumcise a Klansman? - Kick his sister in the chin +22084,0,"It's bad enough hearing people judge others based on their appearance... but when ugly people do it, I feel horrible." +22085,6,I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit Now I know it's true. +22086,2,"And the class roared even more... A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about the final exam to be held the next day. He said that there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or the death of an immediate family member. One smart ass male student then asked, *""What about extreme sexual exhaustion?""*, and the entire class burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, *""Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write!""*" +22087,2,What do you call two classical musicians ending their relationship? They baroque up +22088,0,"My alarm clock broke today. I’m not too upset, though; I’m not a mourning person." +22089,2,"My wife threatened to divorce me... My wife told me if I didn't stop listening to The Monkees, she was going to divorce me. At first I thought she must have been joking. Then I saw her face...." +22090,3,What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller! +22091,5,What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training? I’ll miss you. +22092,1,I order a circumcision from the black market once It was a rip off +22093,0,Do you know why Morgan Freeman's name is Morgan Freeman? Because his first name is Morgan and his last name is Freeman +22094,2,"An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, ""I'll grant you three wishes, Master."" The atheist says, ""I wish I could believe in you."" The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, ""Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."" The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. ""What about your third wish?"" asks the genie. ""Well,"" says the atheist, ""I wish for a billion dollars."" The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. ""What's wrong?"" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, ""Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist.""  " +22095,2,One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy” After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look. To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across the room and throws her across the bed with enough force to propel her ass over tit. What the hell are you doing she exclaims. You could have broken my legs. Broke you legs the replies. If you fell down that hole you would have broken your fucking neck. +22096,2,Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album? People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps +22097,2,what did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but saran wrap? I can clearly see you're nuts! +22098,0,What does the Japanese bailiff say in the courtroom? ALL RICE +22099,1,I'm going to try and be a lot less codependent If that's okay with everyone. +22100,2,How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side. +22101,0,If Kermit and Miss Piggy made a sex tape... They'd call it Frogsporn. +22102,3,"A ventriloquist runs a show A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ""I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ""You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee.""" +22103,4,"Girls night out. The other night I was invited out for a night with ""the girls."" I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down far too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him ""Midnight"". He didn't seem peed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, ""We need a new cuckoo clock."" When I asked him why?, he said, ""Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ""Oh. Sh-it."", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.""" +22104,5,"A professor sits with a farmer in a train. Bored, the professor says to the farmer : ""I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?"" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: ""What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?"" The farmer silently takes out $5 and give it to the professor. The farmer asks the professor: ""What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?"" The professor thinks hardly but couldn't find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer. The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks: ""What animal is it!?"" The farmer takes out $5 and give it to the professor, then he falls asleep." +22105,0,My boss treated me like a missile Fire and forget +22106,1,Did you hear about what happened at tianmen square? Yeah me neither +22107,1,"I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar A guy came up to me and said ""Your days are numbered""" +22108,0,I kind of like single ply toilet paper... It helps me get in touch with my inner self. +22109,0,What do gay horses plow? Horse ass. +22110,1,I like my women like i like my upvotes. Under 16 and being fucked with by people online. +22111,3,"For your final police recruit evaluation, ""there are six rounds in the cylinder"" the Sergeant said as he slid a revolver across the desk. ""I want you to go shoot five black men and a rabbit"". The puzzled prospective cadet responded, ""A rabbit, sir?"" The Sergeant shot up from his seat with an outstretched hand, ""welcome to the force, son!""" +22112,1,Who’s responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union? They all share the blame. +22113,0,You like parachuting? That's messed up... you like the Paris Shooting!? +22114,0,"At work we have a printer we nicknamed ""Bob Marley"" It's always jammin'" +22115,2,"The Redditor Named Jock After years of intense research, Jock had figured out a cure to every illness and disease known to man, mainly using Reddit as his go-to website. Throughout his research, Jock had only confided in one person, his trustworthy PA. Because of this, Jock had never been acknowledged for his work, and nobody knew who he was. After completing his research, he tells his PA he’d like her to make a grand announcement at the International Medicine Awards. The plan was for Jock to sit in the audience and be called up to the stage, where he would then unveil his findings and vast knowledge for the world to see. So the time comes, his PA, a regular speaker at this event just finished making her usual annual announcements. Then she says, looking into the audience; “Now I’m not sure if he is here tonight, but could Jock please join me on stage” When she says this, 4 people proceed to stand up, and walk up onto the stage. Confused, the PA sees that she does not work for any of these Jock’s. But then, looking down she realises..." +22116,5,I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob. She's a sucker for love. +22117,1,Doctors in the 40's used to prescribe orgasms to stressed women. Which seems pretty liberal until you realize he used his hand to do it. +22118,0,The snail and the turtle What did the snail say when he climbed upon the turtle's back? Wheeee! +22119,0,"How many jews can fit in a car Two in the front Two in the back And 20,000,000 in the ashtray " +22120,0,What does a vegetarian cannibal eat? The grocer! +22121,0,How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve. +22122,1,Whiteboards They really are remarkable. +22123,0,The secret to making your computer a modern racist? Hold Alt+R +22124,0,What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog? One is assault with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt. +22125,7,"I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, ""I can't go on, I hate my life"". my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying." +22126,0,"My friend has started a new diet consisting of nothing but root vegetables. Personally, I've found it hard to beet." +22127,0,"An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room. She decides to ask the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned home to make the final preparations to move. When she arrived home, she realized that she had not seen a W.C. That's a water closet to the British. We would call it a bathroom. So she wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a W.C. around. The schoolmaster's English was very poor, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters W.C. and the only solution they could find for the letters was a 'wayside chapel.' The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note: ""Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there is a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. 'You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford to go by car and arrive just in time. I especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is musical accompaniment. 'It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats There were ten people to a seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. 'The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long-felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can't attend regularly. 'I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been some service to you. Sincerely, The Schoolmaster"" " +22128,1,"Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning. ""Windows frozen, won't open."" Husband texts back; ""Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."" Wife texts back 5 minutes later; ""Computer really fucked now."" " +22129,3,"Ice Cream Truck My grandfather passed away recently and when we asked grandma how he died she said it was while they were making love. Surprised, we asked how they manage to be sexually active at their age. Grandma revealed that granddad times his strokes with sound of the local church bell to keep his heart rate at a low steady pace. Confused, we asked how did he die then? Grandma said, well unfortunately, an ice cream truck came along. " +22130,0,What’s do imitation and a plateau have in common? They’re both the highest form of flattery. +22131,0,A joke from my gay friend Someone: How do you like alcohol? Me: Like women. I don't taste it. +22132,1,In the Elevator of life its not the ups and downs that get you Its the ***jerks*** along the way. +22133,3,What do you call some almonds having consensual sex? Fucking nuts! +22134,1,I always make women scream during sex. Maybe I should take off my lucky balaclava occasionally. +22135,4,What do you call a lizard that smokes pot? A mariguana +22136,0,Why were the Mexican high school student's friends mad at him? He said he hates essays. +22137,2,Why don't big trains have little trains? They pull out on time. +22138,3,"A man walks in on his wife in the bedroom With a sheep under his arm, much to his wife's horror. ""honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."" The wife angrily replied ""well for a start, that's not a pig, you bloody idiot!"" ""I wasn't talking to you!"" he replied." +22139,1,My doctor told me to stop eating pony meat It was making me a little horse +22140,0,"When i saw the food they were serving me, i first thought it was dog shit... After I tasted it, I regretted it wasn't. Credit: my dad. But it might be funnier in French. I don't know if I did a good job translating it." +22141,0,"Bakery There was a bakery that sold all its buns for $1. As it became more popular, its buns were getting smaller so they could earn even more. One day, a man comes in and noticed that the buns were getting smaller. ""These buns are getting smaller, don't you think?"" he asked an attendant at the shop. ""Oh, it's OK, it will be easier for you to take that way,"" he replied. The man nodded and selected a bun for him to buy. He notices the same attendant at the cashier this time, and places his bun on the counter together with 50 cents. Just as he is leaving, the attendant calls him back. ""Hey! The money you gave for this bread isn't enough!"" The man replies, ""Oh, it's OK, the money will be easier for you to count that way.""" +22142,0,A trucker walks into a bar ...drinks a glass of poison and dies immediately. +22143,4,Build a man a fire and you warm him for a day. Light a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life. +22144,3,Dark jokes are like anti-vaxxers kids They never get old +22145,1,Accupuncture Is a jab well done. +22146,1,Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart? +22147,0,"Nearly every Sunday the extended Trump clan gathers for a family dinner. After a particularly large meal, as he was pushing his chair back from the table, Donald Jr. let out a loud, unexpected burp. ""Pardon me,"" he muttered with embarrassment. ""My pleasure! Consider it Done!"" Shouted his father." +22148,3,What's the difference between a lobster with a boob job and an old bus stop? One's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station! +22149,1,"In his later years Bruce Wayne retired and became a famous poet Apparently, he went from bat to verse. " +22150,10,What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron. +22151,0,"Did you blow Bubbles as a kid? Well, Bubbles is back and town, and he wants your number....." +22152,4,"A man is being examined by his doctor The doctor starts looking very concerned. The man asks, ""Doctor, what's wrong?"" The doctor says, ""I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate."" The man with a tear in his eye asks, ""Doctor, why?"" The doctor replies, ""Because, I'm trying to examine you.""" +22153,3,Does anyone want to buy a used theremin? I haven't touched mine in years. +22154,1,How did the doctor tell his patient he has diabetes? He didn't sugar coat it +22155,3,How well did the Mexican do for his class test? He got a borderline pass. +22156,0,"I am bald, and went to a hair salon, demanding a haircut. The hairdresser stopped for a moment, then exclaimed: ""Done! That will be $10.""" +22157,4,"How much do you get paid? The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?” The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”" +22158,0,"The Ace Pilot An ace pilot was up in his plane during his down time doing all sorts of tricks. He gets a furious call from his squadron leader on the ground saying ""Get that plane back in the hangar NOW!"" So, the pilot flies down to the hangar but he doesn't land. He flies in one side of the hangar, comes out the other, turns around and does it again. The squadron leader calls again and says ""I told you to get that plane back in the hangar!"" The pilot replies ""I had it in there twice! Why didn't someone shut the door while I was in there?""" +22159,1,How do you get pregnant from a computer? You get Raspberry cream m pi-d +22160,5,What do you call a fat psychic? A 4-chin teller. +22161,1,Why doesn't Japan has any feminists? Cause they harpoon whales.. +22162,0,How about a thread for Soviet Russia jokes? Because in Soviet Russia r/jokes tell u/ +22163,1,"Two Puns Man, I was going to eat a clock, but then I thought, that's to time consuming. Man, I was ganna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind. You guys might aswell call me re""pun""sul. I'm way to punny. (Sorry if I make you cringe)" +22164,0,How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? FORE! +22165,0,Myself and my friend have a bet to see who can make it to the front page first Suck it Conor +22166,1,"I thought I came up with a funny mean joke But in reality, it’s just kind of average" +22167,2,"My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday... I think he misunderstood me when I said, ""I wanna watch.""" +22168,5,"On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ... ... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century. " +22169,1,"On a busy street in the middle of town, the sidewalk says to the road... On a busy street in the middle of town, the sidewalk says to the road ""People walk all over me from morning to night, and I never crack. I'm the hardest!"" Not to be out done, the road replies ""That's nothing. I have trucks driving up and down me all day with hardly a scratch to show for it. I am the hardest."" They hear a voice from the other side of the street ""You guys think you're hard? Well, I'm a cycle path!""" +22170,2,"One day... .....out on the farm the owner of the farm goes to his 13 year old son and says, ""Son, take this last duck to town and sell it so we can buy our cow some food."" The son agrees to, and as he is walking down the road he passes by a woman. The woman says to the boy, ""Son I will fuck you for that duck."" Not thinking, the boy agrees, and they go off in the woods and fuck. When they got done the woman says to the boy, ""WOW that was good, I'll give that duck back if you do it again."" So the boy agrees, and they do it again. Well when they get done the boy gets his duck, puts it back on the leash, and starts leading it down the road. When he gets about half way to town a truck comes through and runs over the boy's duck. The truck driver stops, jumps out, and says to the boy, ""Son I'm sorry about your duck. Here's 20 dollars."" So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, ""Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck!" +22171,2,"A kid comes home from school with a small trophy Kid: Dad! Dad! I won the Airplane award at school! Dad: Oh? What's that? Kid: It's a big building with a lot of kids in it, but that's not important right now." +22172,0,"So I asked Ely, my Amish neighbor Me: Ely, How many English does it take to change a lightbulb? Ely: What's a lightbulb?" +22173,0,What kind of Mechanic can fix any vehicle at any place in the universe and at any point in time? A Quantum Mechanic +22174,0,How did I lose my virginity? I was fucked by the 2016 presidential election +22175,2,What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet? The Chinese Government +22176,0,I love the smell of my F5 key It is very refreshing +22177,3,Mary had a little lamb... and the midwife passed out. +22178,3,"My neighbor had a penguin on his porch I call the neighbor Me: hey man, you have a penguin on your porch! Neighbor: what should I do with it? Me: I don't know. Maybe take him to the zoo. Neighbor: that sounds like a good idea. I'll do that. Next day I look out across the street. The freakin penguin is still there. I call the neighbor again. Me: Dude! The penguin is still there. I thought you took him to the zoo. Neighbor: I did. We had a great time. We're going to the ballpark today. " +22179,2,What does Sean Connery call a shrimp that won't share? Shellfish. +22180,1,"An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol..." +22181,4,"Since 1782, at the age of 12, Beethoven was composing some of the greatest music ever, of course since 1827 all he has been doing is decomposing." +22182,0,It is so hot outside My thermometer says it is too degrees. +22183,0,"A joke. What do we say when your wife is pregnant with another man? Abort mission, abort mission!" +22184,0,Many people cry when they cut an onion The trick is not to form an emotional bond. +22185,1,Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review: Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it. +22186,0,"Me: What did you get for x-mas this year? friend: got beat up by my step-dad while my mom was crying me: haha, it hasnt been x-mas this year!" +22187,4,What do you call a group of killer whales playing music together? An orca-stra! +22188,1,3 reasons for why i am stupid \\#1: I can't count +22189,0,"Did you hear about the Orange that became a preacher? While most of his congregation appreciated his short, powerful sermons, a few just found him to be too pithy." +22190,2,"I guess that people that got whiplash... Were travelling at ""breakneck"" speed!" +22191,2,"What was the Virgin Mary's last name? Christmas. (Have a good one, reddit!)" +22192,4,"An Irishman's first drink with his son I was watching that American TV show ""Modern Family"" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. ​ We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. ​ I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. ​ I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. ​ I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. ​ I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. ​ I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. ​ I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. ​ He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do - I drank it! ​ When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home! ​ ​ ​ ​" +22193,3,My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect ten... but completely imaginary. +22194,9,"An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor... ....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Edit: well this joke blew up. " +22195,3,"In my last relationship I hated being treated like I was a piece of meat. She was vegan, and refused to touch me." +22196,0,"What does a prison for mathematicians, scientists, and engineers and an unborn fetus have in common? They're both full of STEM cells" +22197,0,Your life. that's the joke. +22198,1,We live in a progressive society. Everyone is getting progressively stupider. +22199,0,What do you call a website that's been stuck on the same joke for 13 yrs? Reddit +22200,3,Did you know that your nose can't be 12 inches or longer? Otherwise it would be a foot. +22201,0,What alcoholic beverage do cows drink? MOOOOOnshine +22202,3,When it comes first When does a punchline not work? +22203,2,Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year? Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth. +22204,1,AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety. AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all +22205,3,"When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door? Beat it, We're closed." +22206,0,"I asked Ant-Man of he had any change for a dollar, he said: Sorry, I'm a bit short" +22207,2,Marriage is like borrowing money 12 months with no interest +22208,0,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Believe it or not, I was waiting for the tram" +22209,1,What do you call children in China? Youthinasia. +22210,1,Buy our pizza we knead the dough. +22211,0,The real fact about the strongest man in the universe afraid of his wife xD +22212,1,What do funeral home workers and football defenders have in common? They get yelled at if they let the wrong guy inside the box. (OC) +22213,1,Did you hear about the Band Aid that got scammed he was ripped off really bad +22214,6,"TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type ""O"". I guess you can call it a typo." +22215,0,Santa Funny English Joke Santa went to temple & saw people puting coin in box & praying…!!! :: :: :: :: ;; Santa:- Wow…!!!! How amazing. People are talking to God through coin phone without receiver…!!! +22216,1,"I went up to my wife this morning and said ""I have a big problem She replied ""Now look, you don't have a problem, we have a problem, remember our wedding day? for better for worse, for richer for poorer and all that, now what's this so called big problem""? I said ""We've got your sister pregnant"" " +22217,3,Children are like testicles. If anyone hurts mine then I'm bound to cry. +22218,0,"The Academy Awards have introduced a new category for the upcoming Oscars ceremony. ""Best Acting for shocked response to Weinstein revelations"" is full of very competitive entries ." +22219,5,"Why did the chicken cross the road? He saw a sign at the front of a building that said ""chicken strips for $2""" +22220,0,"I have a joke about pizza. Never mind, it would be too cheesy. " +22221,2,"A man's daughter killed a butterfly in the garden so the father said ""No butter for a month."" Then later that day, the daughter killed a cockroach. Then the father said ""Nice try.""" +22222,2,Why are blind people bad computer programmers? Because they can't C. +22223,0,"3 ""Males"" Per Day...;-p Doctor to Lady: You r Looking so Weak and Exhausted! Are You Properly taking 3 Meals a Day as I had Advised? Lady: Oh My God! I Heard 3 ""Males"" Per Day...;-p" +22224,0,I once dated a girl named Plosion but then we broke up I guess you could say she is an exPlosion +22225,1,Just read a children's book about the pope.... Boy was it touching! +22226,1,I had a Halloween Temp job making little plastic Dracula figures. However there were only 2 of us so I had to make every second Count. +22227,0,What is the root of all evil? 25.8069758011 +22228,0,A man named Tyrone was cut in half NSFW He became Tytwo +22229,0,What do you call a gay Pakistani? Ramaman Deep. +22230,2,My doctor said I lacked an imagination I couldn’t believe it +22231,1,Why are blind people the only ones who can see Drax the Destroyer? Because they see nothing. +22232,2,"Yo moma is so... good looking, what happened you? edit: premature ejokulation" +22233,1,A skeleton goes into a bar... And orders a beer and a mop +22234,0,How many pillows does a Mexican-Italian man sleep with. Juan Pirlo +22235,1,What happens when redheads are hurt? They're ginjured. +22236,0,"There was a boy who was born blind... When he was around 10 years old, a week after new year's celebrations, his father came home from work with astonishing news! He said he found a medicinal eye-drop online that could make his son see be able for the first time. The kid was happier than ever, but the father said: ""But son, I don't have enough money to buy it yet, you'll have to be patient."" ""It's gonna take too long?"" Said the kid ""Probably around 2 or 3 months, but I promise that I'll make this happen!"" Replied the father. So as time went by, the kid got everyday more anxious about his medicinal eye-drops ""Hey dad! Do you have it already?"" ""Nah son, I don't have the money yet, but I'm saving it!"" That was the convertation around the house for almost 4 months, but finally, the father came home with good news: ""SON! I finally bought it!!"" ""OMG DAD! Where is it??"" ""Calm down boy, I made the purchase online, so we have to wait a little until it arrives!"" ""Ok then!"" 6 days went by, then the mail man finally delivered a box from china on their porch, the father told his son and he couldn't be happier! ""Dad! DAD! I can't believe it arrived! Drop it in my eyes, I wanna see the world!!"" Said the kid ""Son, this is gonna be the most important family event in our history, you finally will be able to see! So I invited your gramma and grampa, your cousins, your uncles and aunts and some family friends, so we can all appreciate this moment together, but they will arrive tomorrow, is it ok to you?"" ""C'mon dad, can't I even drop a little drop in just one eye?"" ""Let's do this the right way ok? Let's share this moment with all the special people we are surrounded by!"" ""Ok then..."" Said the reluctant son The next day, their living room was filled with people, relatives and family friends, around 35 people. The father started a little rant: ""Ladies and gentleman! This is gonna be the most remembered family event in our history! My beloved son will finally be able to see the world, and its beautiful colors. See his family, his father, his house!"" Then he grabbed the eye-drops and called his son, who sat on a chair, almost crying out of joy. Then the father dropped 2 drops on each eye and said ""Blink 3 times and look at us son!"" The son did it, but was still blind ""Dad, I still can't see!"" In this moment, everybody who was there yelled at the same time: ""APRIL FOOOOOOOOLS!!!"" ​ ​" +22237,1,"I've been seeing a therapist for help with my narcissism. But honestly, I think I've been doing most of the work." +22238,0,"Did you hear about the alcoholics who were drowning in a vat of cognac? They were in good spirits, until they were rescued." +22239,1,"John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes! How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?" +22240,2,What do you give the girl that's already got everything? Antibiotics. +22241,2,"My wife asked me “is it just me or is the cat getting fat?” Apparently, “no it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer." +22242,3,"A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, ""I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."" Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, ""My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"" ""No, you don't understand!"" she replies. ""I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."" " +22243,3,"10 Dollar Compliment A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, ""What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?""" +22244,2,Yes I identify as chocolate. I use her/she pronouns. +22245,0,"[NSFW][Long] Ben and Mary, two siblings, were told by their mom that they will be getting a new babysitter... Ben and Mary complained to their mom, ""But we are 14 and 15 years old!! WE DON'T NEED A BABYSITTER"". Their mom was having none of it and went out anyways to pick up the new babysitter. A few hours later, she came home and said, ""Kids, this is Jenny your new babysitter. I am leaving on a business trip for a few days, so Jenny will watch you while I'm gone."" After their mother left, Ben, Mary and Jenny sat down and watched some TV for a while, ate dinner and finally went to bed at around 9. Ben was lying in bed naked about to fall asleep when he heard the door of his room open slowly. He sat up quickly and there was Jenny standing in the doorway. He shouted ""JENNY! What are you doing in here?"" Without making even a noise, Jenny hopped on the bed and started giving oral sex to Ben. Ben didn't know what to do and just allowed it to happen. After a few minutes he couldn't take it anymore, got himself propped up, and started having sex with Jenny. After it was over, Jenny left the room and Ben fell right asleep. The next night, Ben and Mary went to bed at 9 again. Ben laid in bed for a while hoping Jenny would come back in. About an hour went by and she wasn't there yet, so he decided to go and see what she was up to. After looking in most of the rooms in the house, he couldn't find Jenny anywhere. He walked back towards his room, and when he walked by Mary's room, he heard a loud moan. He opened Mary's door, and there was Jenny, furiously going to town between Marys legs. ""MARY!!! JENNY!!! WHAT IS GOING ON?"" He screamed. Mary then shot up and looked at Ben and said ""BEN, I NEED A DICK! COME MAKE LOVE TO ME"" ""BUT YOUR MY SISTER, I CANT DO THAT"" ""JUST DO IT BEN I NEED IT"" Ben and Mary had sex and then laid down on the bed afterwards. ""Wow that was great!"" Said Mary. ""It was, but we can NEVER tell Mom about this!"" Ben then said. Mary agreed, and then they both looked at Jenny. Ben said to Jenny ""Thanks Jenny! If it wasn't for you we would have never done this. You're the best dog a family ever had!""" +22246,1,What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise +22247,0,"Barbie dolls give little boys misconceptions about adult women Like how they're silent, no matter how often you touch them Edit: THIS joke is too far? Really?" +22248,0,"My wife was dying I was by her bedside. She said woo o oo, shut up and dance with me" +22249,5,What do you have when you have 16 copies of the Wizard of Oz? The Wizard of Lb. +22250,1,"How many Hungarians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the eel, the other to screw in the hovercraft." +22251,0,What's grosser than gross? A dead baby. What's grosser than that? A truck full of dead babies. What's grosser than that? One of them is still alive. What's grosser than that? It's eating its way to the top. What's grosser than that? It went back for seconds. +22252,1,Why are tightrope walkers so healthy? Because they always eat well-balanced meals +22253,2,I heard a joke yesterday about a broken fence So i reposted it. +22254,1,"The past, present, and future walk into a bar.. It was tense." +22255,0,How many suuhhh bruhhhs does is take to turn on a light bulb? None because it's already lit +22256,0,What is Texas' new favorite band? Harvey Danger. +22257,0,My wife left me because I am too insecure.. Never mind it's just a stupid repost for the 100th time. +22258,0,Disney Donates $1 Million to Orlando Shooting Victims the resulting rise in demand for Crocs may devour the competition +22259,2,My gf got an abortion today And you know what? Being a dad is dead easy right now. +22260,1,What’s the difference between a really old thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste. +22261,2,"What's the difference between a pig and a dwarf janitor? One is messy, and the other is a little cleaner." +22262,0,I need to start watching what I eat Because it keeps running off when I'm not looking +22263,0,"Imagine a nice dreamy day, laying down inside a giant soap bubble, floating in the sky. Don't move." +22264,2,Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue? It was hard to pull off. +22265,0,What were the couple doing in math class? Binomials. +22266,3,"How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes the entire operating room to get it out." +22267,0,How many Kings does it take to viciously destroy a room full of lightbulbs ? Vi Kings +22268,2,"Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said ""Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."" The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, ""Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."" The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, ""OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."" Dolly was outraged and asked, ""What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? ""Sorry, Dolly,"" said the Angel, ""but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."" " +22269,1,"A senior in high school decides to have his girlfriend over one night for a good time.. His younger brother sleeps on the bottom bunk. The older brother says to his girlfriend, every time you want me to go faster say tomatoes, whenever you want me to change position say lettuce, whenever you want me to go deeper say bread. They wait until the little brother falls asleep, then begin. ""Lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, bread, lettuce..."" The little brother yells, ""hey quit making sandwiches up there you're getting mayonnaise all over me!"" " +22270,1,"Judging by the old saying, 'What you don’t know won’t hurt you', he's practically invulnerable." +22271,2,"Today, I got laid off." +22272,0,TSA workers aren't showing up and I'm flying tonight.. .. I'll just have to fondle my balls myself and throw away some toothpaste afterwards I guess. +22273,0,Why do Cow milking stools only have 3 legs? Cause the Cow's got the udder! +22274,2,How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece navidad +22275,3,"Getting some First-Aid While riding my motorbike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, ""Are you okay?"" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... ""I'm okay I think,"" I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” ""That's nice of you,"" I answered, ""but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"" ""Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,"" she insisted. ""I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."" Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, ""I'm sure my wife won't like this."" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, ""I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."" ""Don't be silly!"" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. ""Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"" ""Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess" +22276,7,I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon... +22277,0,"Tim and Sherin are a couple having sex together for the first time They finally get down and dirty with it and she sighs as he thrusts and Tim trys different things to get her going but alas he could not after they were finished Sherin asked , ""Are you a virgin?"" Tim replies, ""No! I've had sex before!"" And Sherin asks, ""Did she enjoy it?"" And Tim says, ""Yes of course!"" Sherin then says, ""Well how come it sucked"" Tim then shouts, ""I'm sorry I'm bad at sex! I haven't had any practice since my cousin got married!"" Sherin they shouts, ""But she got married two weeks ago!"" End." +22278,2,"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap wrapped around his body.. The therapist says ""I can see youre fucking nuts.""" +22279,4,What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old. +22280,0,What is science called if it involved light blue light rays? Cyance +22281,1,I got my IEP done yesterday The guy said im at college level. That explains why im depressed all the time. +22282,5,Girl: Our relationship is over. Me: Our relationship is what? Over. +22283,0,You know what the first thing you do when someone is having a seizure is? You take their wallet! +22284,1,"A woman looked at my naked body and said, ""I thought you told me you had 11 inches?"" I should have explained that I measure from my butthole." +22285,0,"Rats! A man walks into a second hand shop in Boston. He finds nothing really of interest until he spies a small statue of a rat that made of solid brass and weighs about five pounds. ""How much?"" he asks the old man behind the counter. ""Well now,"" says the clerk. ""That's an interesting piece you're holding there. It'll be $30 for the item itself- and $1000 for the story."" The man doesn't think twice. ""Tell you what, Pops, I'll take the rat and you keep your story!"" The man leaves the store holding his new treasure and decides to walk down to the harbor since it's such a nice day. Suddenly, as he passes a sewer grate, a plump rat scurries out and begins to follow him. Seconds later, two more. The man quickens his pace. The more sewer grates he passes, the more rats leap out and begin to follow. He panics and begins to run. More rats pour out- and then more! He sees the masts of tall ships getting closer and he bolts. Glancing quickly behind him he sees a vast carpet of rats growing by the second! Now he's running full tilt. Thousands of rats fill the street behind him! He's running all out, the weight of the brass rat is heavy in his hands as he sees the pier ahead. Giving one final push, the man leaps with the last of his strength and lands precariously atop a pier pole, just as the army of rats swarm over the dock and into the water where they all drown. Back at the shop, a small bell rings as the man staggers back in, covered with sweat. ""Hey.. (pant... pant) old man... I... I need to know-"" ""Ah"", says the clerk with a sly grin. ""I knew you'd be back for the story!"" The man shakes his head. ""No... fuck that. I...I need to know- do you have any brass lawyers?""" +22286,0,Who is good at making ceramics? Harry +22287,0,"This High Flying 2009 film from Pixar studios won Best Animated Feature at the 82nd Academy Awards. ""What's 'Up', Alex?"" ""Not much, what's up with you?""" +22288,1,What do you call a gorilla that's a member of a terrorist organization? Boko Harambe +22289,2,"Say what you will about Ajit Pai, but he helped me with one thing... Understanding the phrase ""lying through your teeth""." +22290,2,What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common? They'll never work. +22291,1,What was Hitler's best attribute as a student? Concentration +22292,2,"I quit my job as a paperboy So if you think I've got news for you, I've got news for you." +22293,0,Whats the benefit of being a short liberal Redditor? Your nose doesn't hit the ceiling. +22294,1,"Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve. It’s called St. Eve Jobs." +22295,0,"I like options, so I'm looking through universities in Arizona. They have more degrees. " +22296,2,"Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station? Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking. He was sinking? Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!" +22297,0,Why does Japan elect so beautiful politicians? Erections +22298,0,Is it just a coincidence that you turn purple when you choke? skol +22299,0,"I bought a memory foam mattress last month Now my bed keeps yelling ""Virgin!"" every time I walk past my room" +22300,2,"I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day" +22301,1,What happened when your girl walked in the door Your floppy drive turned into a hard drive. +22302,2,"A graduate has an interview at a fancy restaurant A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first ""real"" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to make sure that the reservations are in order and to see if anything can be done to make the occasion a standout. Well, what do you know, there's a celebrity in the restaurant: reality TV star, real estate mogul, and Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump. The young woman, who happens to be attractive, boldly walks up to his table and says, ""Mr Trump, I know this is very forward of me, but I'm a huge admirer. My family has donated to your campaign and we've all turned out for your rallies. I'm having an interview in this restaurant in a few minutes and it would make such a good impression if you dropped by my table and said hello."" Trump, mellow with good food and drink, and charmed by her appearance and enthusiasm agrees to do her this favour. Soon the young woman is chatting with her potential boss and mentor over their meals. On his way out, Trump stops by and greets the young woman like an old friend. She rolls her eyes, gives an exasperated sigh, and says, ""Fuck off, Don, we're trying to eat.""" +22303,3,"A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, ""Why are you so happy?"" The wife says, ""The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."" ""Oh yeah?"" quipped her husband, ""What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"" She said, ""Your name never came up in the conversation.""" +22304,0,"A blind man.. Is walking down the street and stumbles upon a fish market With out skipping a beat he says ""good morning ladies!"" *proceeds to play colt 45*" +22305,6,Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. +22306,3,"What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved." +22307,0,"My mom told me that my uncle was coming over I was elated; I'd wanted to test out my shrink ray for awhile. When my uncle arrived, I shot him in the gut. Unfortunately, it didn't work as planned. He got turned into a ornate, wooden table instead. #relatable" +22308,1,"A couple are sitting on their couch when their son walks in. He tries to put in his phone in his new phone cover. Son: It's too big, it doesn't fit. Father: That's what she said! Mother: That's what you wish i said! #savagemom" +22309,0,There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity And I’ve got the balls to cross it! +22310,0,What kind of art class does coal miner take? Minecraft +22311,1,"A guy goes to China on a business trip. While he’s there he bangs a bunch of Chinese hookers. By the time he arrives home in the U.S., his dick is covered in sores, swollen and hurts like hell. Guys goes to the doctor and the doc says “looks like you’ve got a pretty bad case of Hong Kong dong. We can get ya better but it’s gonna cost $3,000.” Guys says “shit! I can’t afford that!” So he goes to get a second opinion. Second doc says “Yep, you’ve got Hong Kong dong. I can fix it but it’s gonna cost $4,000” “Fuck me there has to be a cheaper solution the guy thinks to himself.” So he goes for a third opinion but this time he sees a Chinese doctor. “Doc you gotta help me, I’ve seen two different doctors but they want thousands of dollars!” Chineee doc takes one look and says “These American doctors are just trying to rip you off. It will fall off by itself after a few days”. " +22312,0,"Punctuation matters The panda eats shoots and leaves. The panda eats, shoots and leaves. #thuglifepanda" +22313,0,"I want to start breeding cats So that whenever anyone asks me about what I do, I can confidently say ""I'm in the pussy business!"" " +22314,1,"I just got fired from my job at Dyson. My design for a new hoover didn't work. I don't know what their problem is, when they asked me to design it they told me, ""just make sure it doesn't suck!""" +22315,2,"A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard. I said, ""No. I've never drank any starboard"". " +22316,5,Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory? There specialise in blow up dolls +22317,4,"A boy and girl are playing outside. The little boy has his football and the girl asks to play. He says ""You can't because you're a girl."" The little girl runs home crying for her mommy. The next day the girl has a football and tells the boy her mommy said she could play football if she wants to. This infuriates the little boy so he pulls down his pants. Pointing to his penis he says ""I have one of these and you will never have one."" The little girl runs away screaming for her mommy. The next day the smug little boy sees the girl approaching. The little girl walks up, pulls her dress up. Pointing to her vagina she says ""My mommy says as long as I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want."" Edit: Spelling" +22318,3,What do you call an orange thats been in the sun too long? tangerine +22319,0,Lmaoooooo +22320,1,You know you’ve watched to much porn when You make it through the entire video +22321,0,What is a wock? Something you thwow at wabbits. +22322,1,Why is Patrick so clueless He lives under a rock +22323,0,"If a man walks through a forest, and there isn’t a woman there... Is he still wrong?" +22324,8,"If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it. I don't need this ""omg i cant drive a train"" shit" +22325,4,"So, there are two men. They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria. Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house! And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: ""My house is worth more than yours."" ""How can that be? We both live next to each other!"" ""Yes"" ""Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."" ""True."" ""So how can it be, Ahmad?"" ""Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a refugee!""" +22326,5,Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic... +22327,2,How does Stephen Hawking take a shit? He logs out. +22328,2,I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making by making you an otter you can't defuse. +22329,1,"Rooty the Rooster [NSFW] Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kissed his crying wife goodbye and saddled up his horse to make the trip into town. On the way to the bank to begin drawing up the documents, he came upon his long time neighbor, Farmer Fred, with his two sons pushing overloaded wheelbarrows of eggs into town. There were so many eggs that they were toppling over themselves and breaking on the ground, forming a trail of yolky badder behind them. The family didn't seem to care how many dropped as they walk, and almost seemed to be in a daze upon looking at them. Now, farmer John was amazed by this; he had never seen so many eggs in one place in his entire life. He reigned in his horse and stopped Farmer Fred and his boys in their tracks. ""Hey there Farmer Fred. I have to ask - how in the world did you get so many eggs?!"" ""Well Farmer John,"" Farmer Fred replied, ""I went down to the market the other day and got me one of those new breeds of roosters they just made! They Call them Rooty Roosters and by gummit, this thing has made our hens lay eggs damn near nonstop for the last week! This load we've got here is our fifth haul today alone!"" Farmer John was shocked. he bid Farmer Fred and his boys a good day and hightailed it into town, pulled out a small loan from the bank, and bought himself a brand new Rooty Rooster, which he unceremoniously named Rooty. He cinched up his horse, rode all night back home, and explained to Mrs. Farmer John what had happened. She grab Rooty by his neck, hicked up her skirt and trudged out to the hen house. ""Now Rooty, you go get in there and earn your keep!"" Mrs. Farmer John shouted. She flung the coop door open, threw Rooty in, and slammed the door shut. She and Farmer John went back inside and went to sleep. The next day, Farmer John leapt out of bed, ran to the hen house, and flung the door open. He couldn't believe his eyes! The hen house was damn near overflowing with fresh eggs! He ran back inside, got his wife, and they both jumped for joy. However, when they went to look for Rooty, he wasn't in the hen house - he was found trying to hump the pigs! Farmer John went over and grab Rooty. ""Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, you're gonna fuck yourself to death!"" Farmer John said, tossing Rooty back in the hen house and closing the door. They gathered all the eggs they could, went to the market, and sold each and every last one of them. The next day, Farmer John ran right on back out to the hen house. He couldn't believe his eyes! The coop itself was chock full of eggs to the point the hens were wedged against the wire sides! He and Mr.s Farmer John jumped for joy but when they went to look for Rooty, he was nowhere near the hen house - they found him trying to hump the cows! After moving the hens into the barn, Farmer John went to collect Rooty. ""Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, you're gonna fuck yourself to death!"" Farmer John said as he thew Rooty into the barn with the hens. He and Mrs. Farmer John collected all the eggs they could, went to market and sold each and every last one of them. The next day, Farmer John went out to the barn, which appeared to have crumbled overnight. Hens were mounted atop cartoonishly large piles of eggs, which were still popping out of them as he watched in horrific amazement. As usual, he looked for Rooty but was nowhere near the hens - they found him trying to hump the horses! They decided to avoid any further damage to their property and allowed the hens to walk freely around the farm. ""Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, you're gonna fuck yourself to death!"" Farmer John decried as he shoveled egg load after egg load into the back of his newly bought trailer. He and Mrs. Farmer John went to market, and sold each and every last egg they had. The next day, Farmer John sprung out of bed but with dismay, not a single egg was found anywhere on the farm. The hens were all accounted for, but Rooty was nowhere to be seen. Farmer John went out to look for Rooty. He spent hours looking for him but had no luck. Right as he was about to turn back, he noticed several buzzards circling something out in the pasture. He walked out there to find Rooty's lifeless body laying in the grass. ""Rooty, Rooty, Rooty, I *TOLD* you that you'd fuck yourself to death!"" Farmer John said, wiping off his brow. To which Rooty replied, ""Shh, they're about to land.""" +22330,0,Two detectives were investigating the death of Juan Diaz. A man who was killed on a golf course. “He was killed with a golf gun.” One detective concluded. “A golf gun? What’s that?” Asked the other. “I don’t know. But whoever did it sure did put a hole in Juan.” +22331,0,"Two old men in a nursing home Two old men in wheel chairs down at the nursing home. Nurse walks over and one is pretending he is driving while making motor noises and drooling all over. ""What are you doing Ed""? She asks ""Driving to Miami!"" She looks over at Franks who is masturbating with great vigor. ""What are you doing Frank?"" ""I'm Fucking Ed's old lady while he is out of town!"" " +22332,2,Armed robbers; some say they're a drain on society. But you've got to give it to them. +22333,1,If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns Go for the juggler. +22334,2,"The Buddha walked up to a hotdog vender... And said ""make me one with everything""" +22335,0,What happened to the frog parked in a handicap spot? He go toad. +22336,2,"I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements. ""Tough shit,"" he said." +22337,6,"A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years...... He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”" +22338,1,Why does an elephant have a trunk? Because he doesn’t have a glove compartment +22339,1,my shower thoughts kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper... then i realized it was because i had the drain-plug in. +22340,4,What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. +22341,0,Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad. +22342,0,"I heard that right before Louis C.K. went on stage his manager asked him how he was feeling. Louis replied, ""I'm doing alt-right.""" +22343,3,"Great Writer. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define ""Great"" he said, ""I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. " +22344,0,"Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”" +22345,3,"Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream.. ”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.” ”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.” ”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.” ”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.” The clerk looks hard at Kowalski and says, ”Okay! Spell, ‘van’, as in vanilla.” Kowalski spells ”V-A-N.” ”All right,” says the clerk, ”now spell ‘straw’, as in strawberry.” Kowalski spells ""S-T-R-A-W"". ”Good!” says the clerk, ”now, spell ‘fuck’ as in chocolate.” Kowalski looks puzzled and says, ”But there is no fuck in chocolate.” ”Aha!” shouts the clerk, ”that’s what I have been trying to tell you!” ​ p/s: I heard this joke for the first time in a transcription of one of OSHO discourses." +22346,4,"The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.    He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”  ""That would be wonderful,"" says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, ""No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds.""  The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. ""This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. ""What seems to be the problem, sir?"" ""This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. ""I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side.""" +22347,0,Did you hear about Simba's dad? He got trampled by a herd of water Buffalo. I guess he should'a move fasta. +22348,2,Blind Man I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story) +22349,8,"I'm taking my wife for skydiving. So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised." +22350,1,In a world where idiots could fly Instagram would be an airport +22351,2,"Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale. But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?" +22352,1,"I told my wife, ""no man should spend more time washing dishes than he does having sex!"" Our new dishwashing service is great. " +22353,0,If the Half Moon restaurant gets bought by the optimist club. Will they have to change their name to Half Full Moon restaurant? +22354,5,I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'... You've probably seen our posters. +22355,0,How many Asians does it take to beat one Swedish boy? A billion. +22356,0,What do you call 12 guys with big dicks? A hung jury +22357,7,"Bill Gates wakes up one morning... ...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen. He yells for his wife ""Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"" ""Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning"" Replied his wife. ""He offered both the house keepers twice what you're paying them to come and work for him, they couldn't pass the offer up!"" Furious, Bill slams his fists down on the table ""Fucking Jobs!"" he screams ""Coming over here and taking our immigrants!""" +22358,1,"A black man and a Mexican are in a car , who's driving it ? The Police" +22359,1,If I got a nickel from Apple every time one of my lightning cables broke... ...they'd still be operating out of a garage. +22360,0,"My wife asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day. I said, ""Silence,"" and stared her straight in the eye. " +22361,2,Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine. +22362,0,What part of a car is the most unreliable? The nut behind the wheel +22363,1,"If a group of koi fish Is called a ""gasp,"" then what do you call a group of hipsters? A Pabst." +22364,5,"A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago. A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the pain. The doctor replies, ""Well there is one option, but it's used very rarely."" ""Anything doctor we're willing!"" ""You see, we are able to divert a percentage of the pain so that the father of the baby feels the pain of the birth, instead of the mother. You can choose what percentage of the pain you would like to feel. Be it 10, 15, or 20 percent, although most men cannot endure much more than that"" The husband bravely responds, ""Of course Doctor I am certainly willing, lets do it."" A few days later during labor the woman is in excruciating pain, so they turn the device on to 10 percent. Immediately the woman feels subtle relief, while the husband feels nothing at all. ""Wow doctor, this is tremendous, I can't feel anything at all and it's helping her. Can we turn it up?"" So they turn it to 20 percent, and then 30 percent. Each increase brings the woman tremendous relief and leaves the man baffled and excited. Convinced that child labor is a complete joke that women have been exaggerating for centuries, he offers to take 100% of the pain. The labor finishes smoothly with no problems or pain from either party. They thanked the puzzled doctor for his help and headed home, to find the mailman dead on their porch." +22365,0,"“My product is defective can I take it back?” Sir, this is an orphanage..." +22366,0,I was sitting in my truck at Walmart. I was watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and everytime he squeezed it I honked my horn. +22367,1,Girl walks into the BBC office for an audition Has difficulty walking back out. In hindsight she should have looked up the different abbreviations. +22368,1,"A Man Was At A Fancy Dinner Party A man was at a fancy dinner party and he really needed to pass gas. Because the setting was so fancy he tried holding in the fart, but the need to release it was much too strong. The man looking around saw the host family's dog, Pluto, nearby. The man walked right next to the dog, and let out a little gas. The host cried out, ""Pluto!"" The man was overjoyed. He could totally get away with this. He let out a little more, and once again the host cried out, ""Pluto!"" The man still had quite a lot of gas in his tank, but he had gotten away with it so far. The man let out all the rest of his gas loudly. The man felt extremely relieved. He was sure he had gotten away with it. Then the host cried out, ""Pluto! Get away from that man before he kills you!"" " +22369,2,"A kid came home to find his parents sitting at a table, looking disappointed. “Son, you’ve been expelled,” his dad said. “But I’m homeschooled!” he wailed in despair. “That’s the point. Now get out.”" +22370,0,An Alaskan and a Swiss went to Russia... They visited Moosecow. +22371,0,"My math teacher today said she wasn't going to start the unit on imaginary numbers because she was dealing with her father's recent death due to a horrifying year-long battle with pancreatic cancer. I told her, ""Thanks for keeping it real.""" +22372,0,What did the Canadian say to the gold robber? That's mine AU give it back! +22373,4,Political joke competition in the USSR Grand prize: 15 years +22374,0,Reddit front page is like my childhood photo album. I have seen everything in it tens of times. +22375,0,"A man goes hunting one day to a field of rabbits. After collecting many rabbits, the man is happily on his way home. Unfortunately, it starts to rain down heavily on him. The man drops his rabbits down a ravine. ""Damn it."" The man says. ""I knew I should have avoided May weather.""" +22376,3,Me: I am terrified of the vertical axis. Therapist: why? Me: [Screams] +22377,6,What's a gay mole's favourite thing? Molasses. +22378,2,The guy who invented the hokey-cokey/hokey- pokey died last week :-( Apparently they had a bit of a job getting him in his coffin. First they put his left leg in........... +22379,2,Shout out to Gramps It’s the only way he can hear you +22380,0,"An Englishman Walks Into a Pub at 9am and Says... ...pour me a beer, the booze is wearing off and the hangover feels like getting hit by a bus." +22381,3,Organs Sorry you might not have gotten it because it’s an inside joke +22382,1,What is ET short for? Cos he's only got little legs +22383,2,"A friend of mine was looking for a job for months. He got hired by a clock making factory for 2$ an hour. I asked him why he accepted the offer for so little pay. He replied ""It's not about the money."" ""It's about damn time.""" +22384,5,Why does Jesus hates playing video games? Because it takes him three days to respawn. Edit: Apparently Jesus can't grammar too. +22385,1,How do you know a blonde has been on your PC There is typex all over the screen +22386,2,My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight He has a chip on his shoulder +22387,0,I introduced my Arab friend Minecraft. Now he's asking me how to play as a creeper. +22388,0,Which came first the chicken or the egg? The one smoking the cigarette. +22389,7,"I saw a woman driving with her hazards on. And I thought to myself, ""At least she's honest.""" +22390,3,"Bob & Bertie Bob & Bertie charter a pilot to fly them moose hunting. They shoot 6 of the beasts. As Bob starts loading, the pilot says, ""Sorry, my plane can only take 4 moose."" The lads object. ""Last year we shot 6, and the pilot loaded them all; and he had the same plane as yours."" Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and loads all 6. However, the plane can't handle the cargo and crashes in a field. Climbing out of the wreckage, Bob asks Bertie,, ""Any idea where we are?"" ""I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.""" +22391,2,I dreamt of a better world for chickens everywhere. A world where chickens could cross the road without having their motives questioned. +22392,3,What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. +22393,1,"My friend is a recovering alcoholic. ""As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine,"" he declared. ""Yeah!"" I said, ""That's the spirit!""" +22394,1,What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom? A runner in scoring position. +22395,2,"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it? ""Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?""" +22396,2,"I was contemplating engineering a newer, more advanced clone of my brain... But then I realized I was getting ahead of myself. " +22397,6,What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn “o” into an “O”. +22398,0,"What did the cat say to the statue? Cat: ""Statue bro?"" Statue: ""Nah, it's meow""" +22399,4,There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up. +22400,0,"Old joke I remember my dad telling his friends when I was a little kid. Two old strings at a bar get sloppy drunk until the bartender refuses to serve them any more and kicks them out. Frustrated the strings leave tripping all over each other. A few minutes later an old fellow sits at the bar smelling like booze. The bartender says, ""Hey you aren't those strings I threw out of here are ya?"" Frayed knot." +22401,4,"A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him. The fish thinks, ""if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."" A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, ""if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."" A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, ""if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."" A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, ""If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."" A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, ""If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse. The fly dropped six inches. The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream. Moral of the story: When the fly drops six inches, the pussy gets wet. " +22402,4,"Christmas these days is a lot like having sex Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money." +22403,4,What does a horny assassin do? Netflix and Kill. +22404,3,"A saw a woman walking towards a door so I opened it for her to be nice... Instead of walking through the door like most people would do in this situation, she and everyone else on the plane just started screaming. Rude as hell if you ask me. " +22405,2,"Hotel Vending Machine One time I was in a hotel and I was trying to get something out of one of those vending machines where you pull the rod corresponding to your selection. It was stuck so I was pulling and pulling and pulling when my hand slipped off the knob. A very buxom young lady was walking past and my elbow accidentally made a hard contact with her breast. I was a bit flustered and I said, ""Oh! I am so sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me!"" She said, ""Don't worry about it. And if the rest of you is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 248.""" +22406,0,How does Mario Batali get his chicken so tender? Marinade. +22407,1,"Whoever coined the word ""lisp"" Was a real ath-hole." +22408,1,Why does Helen Keller's husband always yells at her? Because she doesn't listen. +22409,2,"A Polish woman is visiting her friend A Polish woman is visiting her friend. They are sitting talking at the kitchen table when her friend looks out the window and sees her husband carrying a bouquet of flowers. She turns to her Polish friend and says ""great, now I'm going to have my legs up in the air all night"" Her friend replies ""hmm usually I just use a vase""" +22410,1,I don't have to check wikipedia for information since I got married. Wife knows everything. +22411,2,Remember guys; if you are getting a blowjob in the car A true Gentleman turns on the Dome Light +22412,2,What do you call a band of owls? The Hoo +22413,0,What do you call it when the valedictorian dies of an electric shock during his speech? Electrolocution +22414,2,I told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts .... So he made me pay in advance +22415,2,Why are wedding dresses white So that the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances. +22416,3,What do you call a breakdancing little person? A midget spinner. +22417,0,ISIS was marketing their own version of Kitkat they called it allahu snackbar +22418,1,"Can someone add something original? A man walks into a bar and says ""$100 to someone who can come up with an original joke that makes me laugh"". All but one sit silently while one man nervously walks out the door. They go on with their drinking. After some time has past, the nervous man walks back in and takes him up on his $100 offer. He tells a joke that gets 500+ laughs and after everyone settles down, the man who laid down the bet asks: ""But why did you walk out of the bar nervously?"" And OP answers, ""I had to search r/jokes for a joke that would still get me upvotes no matter how many times it's reposted""" +22419,1,"A dad was talking to his baby. Dad: come on son, say Daddy Baby:Mommy! Dad:say daddy. Baby:Mommy! Dad: Fuck! *mom walks in* Baby: Fuck! Mom: Who taught you to say that?! Baby:Daddy!" +22420,2,What is the religion of people in hong kong? Protestant. +22421,2,What's the difference between Nazi camp and terrorist camp? Concentration required. +22422,0,“Why do my calfs hurt so bad?” “Because they’re not full cows yet” +22423,1,"In a stable were an old horse and a pig. One morning, the farmer found the old horse in a bad shape and he said to himself : ""That's no good, no good..."" and he left. The day after, the same happens again but the horse is even in worse shape. ""Really, really no good"", said the farmer. And he left again. So the pig went to the horse and said ""Horse ! my friend ! Move your ass up ! Ok you're old but you're not yet done! Get up, get yourself together, or the farmer will bring you to the slaughterhouse !"" The horse, hearing this, tries...and finally gets up. After some walking arround he feels better and thanks ther pig for motivating him. The day after, the farmer comes to the stable, and sees the horse feeling much better. In joy, he yells over to his wife : ""Martha !! The horse is good again !! Tonight we celebrate !! Let's butcher the pig !!""" +22424,0,"Yoda told me: What you eat, you are! So I called him a dick." +22425,0,Did you hear about the pirate who wrote a romantic song about his rowboat? “Love me tender.” +22426,0,What's the difference between Jesus and Will Smith? Will Smith exists. +22427,3,"The age old question... The age old question, if I paint my car black will it stop working or will it run faster?" +22428,4,"#299: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis get together at a bar and have drinks. After catching up, Stallone says, ""I think we should make a movie with all of us."" Bruce Willis says, ""That's a great idea, but I'm tired of action movies. How about we make a movie about classical composers?"" Stallone says, ""I like that idea, Bruce. I can be Mozart and you can be Beethoven."" They turn to Schwarzenegger and ask. ""So, Arnold, and who will you be?"" ""I'll be Bach"" says Schwarzenegger." +22429,8,"A woman starts to scream while giving birth. ​ ""What's wrong, honey?"" her husband asks. ""What's wrong?!?"" the woman shouts, ""THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"" ""Sorry babe. What is wrong?""" +22430,5,"I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming in terror, like his passengers" +22431,1,"Jerry Seinfeld's tombstone should read ... ""What's the deal with death?""" +22432,1,"An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”" +22433,0,"I told my friend the other day I was going to kill 1,000 Jews and a clown. 'Why the clown?' He asked 'See? No one cares about the Jews.'" +22434,2,"If Mr. Spock has pointy ears, what does Mr. Scott have? Engineers " +22435,0,R.I.P puddles in the sunlight. You will be mist. +22436,2,What do they call it when a Chameleon can’t change colour? Ereptile Dysfunction +22437,1,"The war veteran A war veteran and his son are sitting in their living room when his son looks up from his comic book and careful asks: ""Dad...did you ever get shot in the army?"" The father's eyes swell up with tears as he looks at his young son. Flashbacks of blood and violence roll before his eyes. ""No, son, I was never shot in the army,"" he finally stammers. "" I got shot in the leggy."" " +22438,1,Who was the skeleton in the closet? The winner of last year's hide and seek competition. +22439,0,"Christians are the gayest people I know Hey, nothing's more Christian than accepting the body and fluids of another man into your mouth. EDIT: If anyone's butthurt (heh), I'm talking about Communion." +22440,0,Where do pirates store their files? On their RRRRRRR drive. +22441,1,Sometimes I just drink milk straight from the container It tastes better and the cow seems to enjoy it +22442,2,"Holocaust jokes ARE NOT funny Anne Frankly, they make me disgusted." +22443,2,Why are chefs the meanest? Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream +22444,0,"Critical Thinking Critical Thinking At Its Best! Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year,it would be approximately $5400.00 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where's your Ferrari? " +22445,0,What did the Mexican spices say to the Japanese spices? Wassah B! +22446,1,"I was going to post a humorous, witty and intelligent time travel joke... But you guys downvoted it." +22447,6,"I stopped being breastfed at 3 But enough about my day, how was yours?" +22448,2,So when I was 15 I walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life. +22449,0,"Bank job Whilst working at a bank, a masked man hit me really hard over the head and forced me to clear a fake cheque. I couldn’t remember much afterwards but the police refused to believe that I had a con cash in!" +22450,1,"So I found out one of my friends was a Cannibal We were having an argument, but suddenly everything went downhill when I said ""Bite me""" +22451,4,So I have a pretty good fathers day joke Can't wait to tell my dad when he finally brings the milk home +22452,1,"(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher. Her: Wow! Have you no heart? Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?" +22453,2,Girlfriends are a lot like $100 000 I've never had $100 000 +22454,2,Stewardess: Would you like some headphones? Man: How did you know my name was phones? +22455,1,"A couple visits Jamaica for the first time... A couple visits Jamaica for the first time and decided it would be best to see the country with a tour guide who can show them the best parts. On the tour, the husband and guide take a quick stop at a local rest station so they can go to the bathroom and relieve themselves. With curiosity getting the best of him, the husband decides to take a quick peek at the guide’s dick to see if the myth is true about Jamaican men. In complete astonishment the husband notices that he and the guide have the same tattooed letters, “W..A” on their dicks. He can see there are more letters and wonders if they have the same word tattooed. He quickly rubs his dick and shows it to the guide revealing the word “Wanda”. He says to the guide, “Is your wife’s name Wanda too?” The guide quickly responds saying “You are funny man. Although we may be same on inside, we are much different on outside.” The guide’s eyes hint for the husband to look down again to see what’s tattooed on his penis. The husband reads out-loud, “Welcome to Jamaica” " +22456,1,How Do You Confuse An Archeologist? Bring them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from +22457,2,What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive? A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend) +22458,1,I got a job for British gas the other day. For my first assignment they gave me some blue prints marked in inches. I couldn't understand it at all... I only read meters. +22459,2,Today I saw a frequency of 16.667 mHz... Took me a minute. +22460,0,"(CHRISTMAS) what did santa say to his wife ""hey baby.. I love you.. but ***where are my other two HOES!?***" +22461,6,"3 Drunk guys entered a taxi. 3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, ""We have reached your destination"". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said ""Thank you"". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked ""What was that for?"". The 3rd guy replied, ""Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!""" +22462,1,What do an eraser company and an abortion clinic have in common? They both make money on your mistakes. +22463,0,Who's the most beautiful and bearable woman? The sleeping beauty. +22464,5,"If four people are having sex, it's a foursome. If three people are having sex, it's threesome. Finally I understand why people call me Handsome" +22465,6,My three favourite things My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas +22466,0,"I answer to God... and Jesus, and Moses, and Mohammed, and pretty much anything else you call me." +22467,1,"Someone asked me to Deck the Halls, so I did. Mr and Mrs Hall were a bit miffed..." +22468,1,If Kings run Kingdoms...... And Emporers run Empires..... Who runs Country’s? +22469,0,I recently heard that grad students at Columbia had voted to unionize. Don't they know that ions are important to your body? +22470,3,What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? Ya can't call 'em shit because you probably have dick in your mouth. +22471,0,"Lier Lier As I was about to pull the knob to start my wash, my neighbor opens the door and asked me if it was an emergency. He informed me that he instituted a policy that there should be no laundry done on weekdays after 10pm. It was 10:33. So I said ""Yes, my pants are on fire.""" +22472,1,Did you hear about that gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick? +22473,2,You know why Steve Jobs didn't go to heaven? He couldn't get past the Gates. +22474,0,"What's in the name? A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, ""Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"" ""No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."" The judge asked, ""And what name do you want it changed to?"" He said, ""Candy."" The judge replied, ""Candy? Spell it for me."" He said, ""Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."" The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, ""Your name is now, Candy."" He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, ""Who's there?"" He said, ""It's me!"" She said, ""Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."" He said, ""It's not Bubba."" She said, ""Yes it is, I recognize your voice."" He said, ""It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."" She asked, ""What is it then?"" He said, ""Guess."" She said, ""Leroy?"" He answered, ""No."" She said, ""Johnny?"" He answered, ""No."" She said, ""Hell, I give up, come on in."" He said, ""Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."" She replies, ""Oh!... Come on in, Peter!""" +22475,1,"Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier. A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects. He goes to a convention to present the machine. For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects. He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine and kitten. He walked into the invention and clicked the button to combine himself with the two objects. As the smoke clears and the man walks out, not one is impressed. It is understandable though, the man was a copy cat." +22476,3,Not trying to impress anyone here but.. I got a hundred percent on my iq test. +22477,1,"Some people dont get that the song that goes ""i can't feel my face when I'm with you but I like it"" is about cocaine. Which I don't understand cause I thought the lyrics were rather on the nose" +22478,1,What do you call a white beach ball in a house A typical American +22479,2,There are a lot of good times... But 6:30 is hands down the best time. +22480,1,"I was at a Chinese buffet... As I'm choosing my dishes, a lid pops up on one of the bowls and two eyes peer out. I assumed I'd imagined it until a few seconds later it happened again. I called over the waiter and asked wtf was going on, he replied: ""Ah you no need worry. That just Peking duck"" EDIT: Spelling" +22481,3,I tried to give myself a sex change but I couldn't quite pull it off. +22482,2,Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey? He is afraid of getting nailed into the boards. +22483,2,i was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school... i think next year i'll teach middle school +22484,0,"I once met a male prostitute on the street where they liked to hang out in my city. He looked pretty young so I asked him what he was doing out there. He said ""I'm just trying to make 10 bucks so I can go home."" I told him ""Dude, don't sell yourself short."" This is a true story. " +22485,2,Why did the Mexican decide to become a Buddhist? He wanted to become Juan with everything. +22486,0,A Man walks into a womens restroom [NSFW] Just to lift all the seats in spite of his wife canceling the cable because he forgot to put it down at home. +22487,0,"At work today when the perfect opportunity struck... We had a chili cookoff at my work today, tons of people brought their own pots of chili to be enjoyed by everyone.. Well, as I was walking by the room everyone was gathered in, I poked my head in and said “boy is it chilly in here today or what!?” Many goans of displeasure were heard. 😅" +22488,1,When I get home I'm going to rip my girlfriend thong off! It's been digging in my arse all day. +22489,0,"I went to a zoo the other day, all they had was a dog... It was a shihtzu. Thanks to Drinking Buddy from Fallout 4 for this knee-slapper." +22490,3,Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan? He graduated sumo cum laude +22491,0,What do you call a bark-spiced wheat loaf? Synonym bread. +22492,1,Why shouldn't you trust the awning company? Because they are shady. +22493,0,"On his first day on the job, a blond cop shoots and kills 3 black men His commander pulls him aside and says ""Good job, rookie. Don't worry, we'll get you off the hook for this. But why kill 3? We only told you to kill 1"". He replies, ""No, you told me to shoot a black per son. My wife and I have 3 boys.""" +22494,1,I almost had a 4.0 at University. It turns out that Greek mythology was my Achilles elbow. +22495,1,What did one broom say to the other? How did you sweep? +22496,2,What's it like to be an aspiring writer? It's difficult to put into words. +22497,0,What will Prince Harry do if he starts going bald? He’ll wear a raspberry toupee +22498,9,"The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW] I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time." +22499,0,"My wife asked me to teach her to use the snowblower.. I said, ""How about we start with the vacuum""." +22500,0,Boiled eggs You can't beat them! +22501,1,"There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun All other vampires pale in comparison" +22502,0,"My friend took her glasses off. The first thing my friend did is the cliche""how many fingers am I holding up?"" After she responded correctly, I asked her how many fingers God was holding up. She told me ""Allah dem""" +22503,0,"Dreams... A man went into his shrink's office and says, ""Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"" ""Relax,"" says the shrink, ""You're just having an auto-body experience."" " +22504,6,"Couple in a Restaurant Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant… As the food was served, Husband said: “The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.” Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home. Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook." +22505,4,Some wanker just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. Lucky my only injuries was super fish oil. +22506,0,Why did Epstein never leave his coat with the cloakroom attendant of the theater? He preferred to hang himself. +22507,0,What did one kitten say to the other kitten? Fleas to meet you. +22508,1,"A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor ""S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."" The doctor replies, ""Well how is that?"" So the man says, ""W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"" The doctor replies, ""Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part right in the middle, ok?"" ""Y-y-yes t-t-that w-w-w-would b-be awesome!"" the man replies. A couple weeks after the operation, the man walks through the doctor's doors and says, ""Hey, doc! Your operation worked perfectly and I already have a girlfriend! But she's been kinda complaining about my size and was wondering if I could get maybe another inch back?"" The doctor replies, ""N-n-n-no, a-a-absolutely n-n-not.""" +22509,2,Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are. The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool +22510,0,People used to laugh when I told them I was a comedian... So I started telling people I was a hooker. Now they just moan. +22511,0,What do you call a sledgehammer on wheels that hunts impatient people? A train. +22512,0,"I am buysexual You buy me food, I get sexual" +22513,1,"A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table ang get some punch. Ah yes. There was no punchline" +22514,2,Why is North Korea is worse than South Korea? Because they have no Seoul. +22515,7,"A pregnant woman goes into a coma A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is ""How are my children?"" ""Fine"" says the doctor, ""your brother named them"". She thinks to herself, ""Oh no!"" ""My brother's an idiot"" and she asks the doctor ""What did he name them?"" The doctor says ""He named the girl Denise"" And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"" What did he name the boy?"" Replies the doctor ""De nephew."" " +22516,0,I’m Taking a Music Class this Summer. The professor is wonderful but her notes are up and down. +22517,3,"Two carrots are out for a drive in the country Two carrots are out for a drive in the country And they're having the time of their lives. They're going fast around the curves and letting the wind in their stalks, just loving it. All of a sudden, they get in a pretty horrific crash and are then rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots is ok, just minor cuts and scrapes, but the other is in pretty bad shape and is rushed into the OR. After hours of operating, the doctor comes out to the other carrot in the waiting room and says, ""I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.""" +22518,2,"A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store to pick out the perfect family tree. He finds the best one in the store and says to the salesman ‘I’ll take this one!’ ‘Excellent choice!’ says the salesman, ‘are you going to put it up yourself?’ ‘Yuck, no!’ explains the man, ‘I’m putting it in the loungeroom!’" +22519,1,"My dad was a magician... Every time he drove to town, he turned into a bar." +22520,6,"The Rude Parrot David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said ""I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."" David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, ""May I ask what did the chicken do?""" +22521,3,When people tell me to stop acting like a flamingo... ...that’s when I put my foot down. +22522,0,Humility is one of my best qualities. I'm probably the most humble person I know; I could talk about my humility for hours. +22523,0,"TIL in 1946, a German missile accidentally hit one of their own U-boats, sinking it. Oops. Wrong sub." +22524,8,"A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg ""Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, ""Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"" ""I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?"" the doctor asked. ""That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."" The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, ""Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"" ""Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."" The doctor was truly dumbfounded. ""Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle,"" the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, ""Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!"" ""I have no idea what to tell you,"" the doctor said. ""There's nothing about it in any of my books,"" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. ""However... I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places.""" +22525,7,I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again... Stranger Things have happened. +22526,4,"My girlfriend borrowed 200$ from me when we met. 4 years later, when we broke up, she gave me exactly 200$ back. I lost interest in that relationship." +22527,0,Why couldn’t the FBI find the fugitive aircraft ‘Cos it was hiding in plane sight +22528,0,I love animals Especially with bar-b-que sauce. +22529,3,Can you believe my girlfriend's mother said I'm a pedophile because I'm 40 and she's 20? Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can judge people twice her age. +22530,0,What were the 2 bees doing on the moon? They had their honeymoon +22531,1,A lion would never drive while drunk But a tiger wood +22532,1,"A pregnant woman saw a man smiling at her on the bus. An eight-month-old pregnant woman gets on a bus. She noticed that a man was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another place. This time, the man’s smile became a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver, and had the man arrested. The case was raised in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well, your honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I could not help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign of sweets saying: TWO TWINS COME and I smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign where it says: LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to grin. Then she sat under a deodorant sign that said: WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, i couldn’t handle myself. But your honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under a sign saying: GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it. The case was closed." +22533,5,"Son: ""Mom, Dad, I'm gay."" Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: ""Don't!"" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: ""..."" Dad: ""HI GAY, I'M DAD""" +22534,0,You should see that new movie about Jackie Kennedy the ending is a real mind blower +22535,2,"Three boys are bragging about their dads The first kid says: ""My father is a cop. When people talk to him, they have to call him 'officer'."" The second kid: ""I can do better. My father is a judge, and when people see him, they have to say 'Your honour'."" The third kid: ""That's nothing! My father is immensely fat, and when people see him, they say 'Oh my God...'""" +22536,3,"Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home." +22537,0,"What's the best thing about fucking a Christian? When they say, ""Oh God,"" you know they really mean it." +22538,0,Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical? Because m'cavity. +22539,6,The other day I suggested that my uptight girlfriend should try masturbating with fruit. She went fucking bananas. +22540,0,My wife fell down the basement stairs trying to fetch some potatoes for dinner. So I had pasta instead. +22541,1,"What's long, hard, and has cum in it? A cucumber." +22542,2,"It was a fine Sunday morning... ... and the devil was bored. He picked a nice quiet country side church and rolled up in a cloud of foul smoke and brimstone. Right in the middle of the sermon. Screams all around as the flock run for their lives. All that is, except for the priest and a wizened old farmer chewing on a straw. The devil floats up to the son of the soil and rasps: “ The priest is not scared of me because he knows I can’t hurt him here. Why aren’t you scared?” The farmer looks at the devil lazily, takes out the straw and says: “Why should I be? Been married to your sister for 40 years...”" +22543,5,What is a Mexican’s favourite sport? Cross country. +22544,3,What's the best part about a rednecks sex life? It's something the whole family can enjoy... +22545,2,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don’t know what they’ve been laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day." +22546,3,"A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, “ Wait, I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”" +22547,0,What's a dentist's favorite time of day? 5:00 p.m. That's when he goes home and makes love to his beautiful wife on a pile of pulled teeth. +22548,0,Why Is Santa So Jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live >:) +22549,3,2016 ends with Mariah Carey dying On the stage. +22550,0,"I fell over during an exam today. Still, scraped an E. " +22551,0,What is a boomers favourite toy? A boomerang. +22552,2,Brain There is nothing left in your right brain and there is nothing right in your left brain. +22553,0,"A man was worried about his upcoming flight A man was worried about his upcoming flight, so he went and bought a parachute. Mid-flight, the plane started to shake, and fearing that all hopes were lost, he left with his new parachute, Amd was intending to parachute to safety. After counting for 3 seconds, he tugged the release cord. Nothing happened. He tried again, and nothing happened either. He did it a third time, and the end of the cord came loose, and there was a very small tag. ""release mechanism sold separately"" " +22554,1,What is the most Spanish body part? Elbow. +22555,2,"What does the revolutionary dove say? Coup, coup!" +22556,3,"I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula" +22557,3,"An antivaxxer, a child murderer, and a bioterrorist walk into a bar. *walks" +22558,5,Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog +22559,4,Technically it was Moses..... that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud. +22560,0,Why is a car like virgin? Both can still be intact after been rear ended +22561,1,How are the police and bathrooms alike? They're both minutes away when seconds count. +22562,1,What’s the difference between a Boxer and a pit? You can’t fall into a Boxer. +22563,0,Q: What's the difference between a cello and a violin? A: A cello burns longer. +22564,1,Alabamans were fine with Roy Moore dating teenagers as an adult until they found out that he wasn't dating cousins. +22565,0,My joke will make you absolute value of zero lol +22566,4,"A young man is taking a driving test The instructor describes a situation: ""You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"" ​ The young man says: ""Well I'll go for the old hag."" ​ The instructor shakes his head and says: ""Really? You won't hit the brakes?""" +22567,2,What do you call owl thugs? Hoo-ligans +22568,3,"In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating... One Student: ""Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!""" +22569,0,There are 3 kinds of people in the world 1. Those who know to count 2. Reddit karma +22570,1,What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard +22571,2,My maths teacher screamed at me for my math average How mean! +22572,1,"A posh hunter is roaming the forest He comes to a clearing where a startlingly beautiful woman lies naked before him. He looks her up and down, smiling knowingly. “Are you game?” He asks with a huge grin on his face. “Oh yes” she replies sensually. So he shoots her. " +22573,7,"When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed. Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%." +22574,2,"So a cowboy had a party to go to Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid: ""get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"" ""which one dad?"" ""don't care, first one you see"" He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he takes a shortcut, a road with a reputation to be haunted. a few minutes later in the middle of the road, flames and brimstone erupt suddenly and violently as a great, red, horned demon appears before him. The cowboy is stunned with fear, but the demon calms him down ""hey... hey... Im not here to kill you or anything, sorry about scaring you, listen, its been a while anyone ever comes down this road, so for your bravery, I'll grant you three wishes"" ""alright... I want money, infinite money"" stammers the cowboy. the demon snaps his fingers ""It is done, what else?"" ""I-I- I wanna be handsome"" again, the demon snaps his finger and says ""good choice, what else?"" The cowboy now, with a certain smugness taps his mount and says ""I want my genitals to be comparable to my mount's"" The demon raises an eyebrow ""You know, not everyone is into that, right"" ""Just do it, come on"" ""Fine"" says the demon ""It is done, farewell traveller"" and like that, the demon disappears, The cowboy rushes to the party and finds a mirror in the salon, he notices that while he looks not too different, most of his wrinkless and blemishes in his face disappeared and all the ladies are blushing when they pass by him, slowly, he notices that whenever he spends any money, a 100 dollar bill appears on its place in his wallet. After a long night of partying, he goes back home to sleep, he wakes up early in the morning and passes by his son eating breakfast. ""So, how was the party?"" his son asks ""It was good, really good"" he says as he walks to the toilet, in order to take a piss. ""Yeah, you look... better, must've been great"" The cowboy doesnt respond, and about 3 minutes later, his son gets worried about the silence. ""Dad... you okay in there?"" ""Yeah, son... I think I am, I just got one question"" ""go ahead"" ""yesterday, when I asked you to get me a horse, did you saddle a fucking mare?""" +22575,2,How many dementia patients does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side! +22576,3,"Would you like a bag for your dildo sir? ""No thanks, I'll wear it out.""" +22577,1,Had to call out of work because of pink eye This weed hit me like a brickwall +22578,0,What's the difference between a Jew and a Blind Jew? A Blind Jew can Nazi. +22579,0,What is Hitler's favourite animal? Phoenix...because it rises from the ashes. +22580,2,What do you call it when you take a girl out for a nice dinner then force her to listen to your rhymes? Date rap. +22581,1,"Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august? ""Because it's cheaper than chemo"" " +22582,1,Why was the dermatologist fired? He made too many rash decisions. +22583,0,What does a vasectomy and a terrible ship wreck have in common? All seamen lost! +22584,1,What’s a frogs favorite drink? Croak-a-cola. +22585,2,There are two types of people in the world Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data +22586,3,"My new neighbors are listening to Slayer all day long They don't seem to like it much, but I'm sure they'll come around eventually." +22587,1,"I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.." +22588,4,What do you call a fat lady that can tell your future? A four-chin teller +22589,0,What does a midget electrical engineer want in his nachos? Micro Chips +22590,1,Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive. That's the last time I use that towing company. +22591,0,Had to get my prostate examined the other day I told my doctor use two fingers I want a second opinion. +22592,1,"Wife refusing to leave. So this was told by my hubs. He doesn't use reddit, so he asked me to post it. Police: Sir, we can't make your wife just leave the house when she has no where to go. Husband: That's not true. I bought her a place years ago, just for her and she refuses to go there. Police: Sir, where is that? Husband: it's a funerary plot. She's had it for years and refuses to use it!" +22593,1,If Kim Jong Un named his son Kim Jong Then his sons full name would be Kim Jong Deux +22594,5,One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath. +22595,0,Baldness jokes really make me want to pull my hair out... They're just too low brow! +22596,0,What's the title of the Blade Runner sequel? Blade Runner 2: Do Androids Dream of Electric Boogaloo? +22597,1,What is a gay mans favorite emoji? It’s :D because he likes to put a D next to a colon. +22598,0,I accidentally popped your first balloon. The second was my favorite. +22599,1,Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack Why couldn't the mexican cross the road? It got stuck doing crack +22600,1,"Sven and Ole Sven is sitting on his porch one day, enjoying the morning Norwegian frosted air, when he sees his neighbor Ole coming down the road. Ole has his hands lightly cupped together as if he's holding a delicate insect from escaping. Sven pipes up and hollars ""G'mornin Ole! what's that ya got there in yer hands?"" ""It's a butterfly Sven, I gonna go to town and get me some butter for it!"" Says Ole ""Oh Ole, yer crazy if ya think that'll work!"" Ole smirks and keeps walking towards the nearest town. An hour later Sven looks up from his porch and sees Ole coming down the road from town holding what looks EXACTLY like 2 pounds of butter on a silver platter, flabbergasted and confused, he saunders back into his house trying to make sense of it. The next day Sven comes out and sits on his porch again and breathes in the refreshing, crisp breeze and relaxes before his day begins. He sees Ole coming down the road, again, holding something carefully in his hands. Sven raises an eyebrow in disbelief and shouts ""Ole! Eh whaddaya got there this time?"" Ole smiles and says half-excitedly: ""I caught me a horsefly today Sven! I'll get me a new horse from town for my plow for dis little feller!"" ""Oh Ole you know you're the craziest man I know! No one will give ya a whole horse fer that!"" Ole just snickers and laughs and keeps walking towards town. An hour goes by and here comes Ole galloping on a Brown thoroughbred Stallion, flying past Sven's house making a dust storm. Sven gapes his mouth and just stares in utter amazement, completely dismayed at what he saw. The next day comes and Sven is outside early, waiting for his warlock of a neighbor to come by and see what he's got this time. And about the same time as the last two days, here come ol Ole with his hands cupped and about skipping down the road. ""Hey watcha got today ya old fool?"" I got myself a pussywillow!"" ""HOLD ON JUST A SEC OLE, LET ME GET MY COAT AND HAT!!""" +22601,2,What do you call a Dothraki mathematician Khal culator +22602,4,"My Jewish grandpa told me this joke a few years back A Rabbi and a Priest are walking by a playground. Priest: *leans over to the Rabbi and whispers* ""Id love to go fuck those kids"" Rabbi: *looking confused* ""fuck them out of what? They don't have any money""" +22603,0,"Did you ever hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there is really a dog. " +22604,2,"What's the difference between Britain and Australia? When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse." +22605,3,What do you call an unidentified ginger bread man? John Dough +22606,0,"Wanna hear a joke?? Okay here goes, My ex-wife still misses me! BUT HE AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! You see it's funny because marriage is terrible.-Stanley pines 2012 " +22607,0,My dad died in 9/11 He was a good pilot +22608,3,"Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... Then a table, then a chair. " +22609,1,"3 Mexicans are about to cross the border They are stopped by the border patrol who stops the first Mexican and says, ""If you can say the entire English alphabet, I'll let you pass"", the Mexican agrees and goes, ""A, B, C, D..... ahhh I can't do it!"", and walks away the border patrol stops the second man and says, ""If you can count to 10, I'll let you pass"" The Mexican agrees and says, ""1, 2, 3, 4, ahhhh.... I can't do it!"" and walks away the border patrol stops the third man and says, ""If you can use the words: PINK, GREEN, and YELLOW, in a sentence, I'll let you pass"" The Mexican goes, ""O! O! I can do this! When I'm at home, the phone goes GREEN GREEN, I PINK up the phone and say 'YELLOW!'""" +22610,0,"Matching with a girl on tinder is like finding a parking spot at costco on the weekend when you eventually find one, it would be preferable to walk on instead, and even if you do find one that seems consistent with your path, there will always be that guy who creeps ups & pulls into her" +22611,2,"Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks. I asked: ��But what if I swallow the ball?” He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.” " +22612,1,No homo [nsfw] God said as he put the male g-spot several inches up Adam's ass +22613,4,"Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers It means they're already good divers." +22614,9,"I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early. She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick. In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that." +22615,2,Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot? Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. +22616,2,What's a mathematician do when he's constipated? He just works it out with a pencil +22617,4,"Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989) A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary ""There is no food"". He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary ""there are no shoes"". He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. ""You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."" The CIA agent writes in his diary ""There are no bullets""." +22618,1,"[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me.. Groom: After me.. Priest (turning to bride): Is this guy serious? Bride: No, his name is Gary." +22619,2,Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey! I’ll buzzzzzzz myself out now hehe .. +22620,0,Why did the karmawhore cross the road? To get to the other repost +22621,0,What is a ghosts favorite pair of kicks? BOOst +22622,1,"insecticide kills mosquitoes Son: ""Is this insecticide good for mosquitoes?"" – Dad: ""Not at all, it kills them!"" " +22623,3,Why did the chicken go to the seance To get to the other side +22624,0,A time trav... W H O O S H to get to the other side. +22625,6,"My wife wanted to get into ""role play"" to spice things up in the bedroom I asked what she had in mind. ""Let's play doctor"", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300. " +22626,0,What vegetable makes your eyes water? Have you ever been hit in the nuts with a turnip! +22627,0,"I hate my job... My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her ""womanly"" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit." +22628,0,"Now that Ted Cruz dropped out, there is only one man standing in Trump's way Hilary Clinton" +22629,1,"I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie, Mickey said the Judge, ""She's not crazy."" ""I didn't say she was crazy, your honor"" said Mickey. ""I said she was fucking Goofey!""" +22630,3,Why did the trans man only eat salad? Because he was a HERbefore. +22631,3,What did the cannibalistic teddy bear eat for Thanksgiving? Stuffing! +22632,0,"I have cool sock that has a U written on it... When people ask about them, all I say to them is ""U sock""" +22633,1,"If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese.... Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again! (*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)" +22634,2,There are two types of people in this world:... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. +22635,0,What do ducks smoke? Quack cocaine +22636,4,"This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone... ...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole." +22637,2,Recent study shows Asian Americans aren't voting. They are all at the doctor because erections aren't supposed to last more than 4 hours. +22638,1,"How do you know Dracula is a woman? When she talks all you hear is ""Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah""" +22639,1,Question Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again? +22640,0,"Do you know which classical composer was also really into motocross? Braaaaaaahms, Braaaahms, Braaaaaaahms ... Brr Brr, Braaaaaaahms!" +22641,2,"You won't believe who I ran into today! ""Who?"" ""I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license.""" +22642,0,What happens when a Jew with an erection walks straight into a wall? He breaks his nose. +22643,1,A deli's competitor falsely accused them of using expired cream cheese on their bagels. It was all just a schmear campaign. +22644,2,"Late one night three leprechauns were sitting around a camp fire.... The first leprechaun says to the second, “nobody believes in leprechauns anymore. We don’t get to grant any wishes or hide our gold. We need to do something to get people believing again.” The three of them sit quietly for a few minutes trying to come up with and idea. Eventually the first one speaks up. “I’ve got it. I’ve probably got the smallest hands in the entire world. I’ll get in the Guinness book and people will start believing again. “ The second one pipes up and says “I’ve probably got the smallest feet in the entire world and I’ll get in the book as well and people will really start believing. “ The third finally chimes in and says “I hate to admit it but I probably have the smallest penis in the entire world and I could get in the book too.” The next day the three leprechauns head to the offices of the Guinness book of world records. The first goes in and comes back out 15 minutes later. “I did it. I did it. I’ve got the smallest hands in the entire world. The second one rushes in and comes back out 15 minutes later. I did it too. I’ve got the smallest feet in the entire world. Excited by the success of his friends, the third leprechaun rushes into the office but comes back out only 2 minutes later and says “Who the hell is Donald Trump?” Edit: The real joy of this joke is to insert the name of a person who is present while you are telling it. I always tell it with an Irish accent for additional effect. " +22645,2,"Jesus walked in a motel... the guy asked him, Can I help you? Jesus put three nails on the counter and said, ""Can you put me up for the night?""" +22646,1,"A horse walks into a bar ""Why the long face"" I have aids" +22647,0,What's black and white and red all over? The slowest zebra on the prairie. +22648,0,What's E.T short for? Because he's got little legs +22649,2,What do you call a bunch of transvestites seeing who can run the fastest A drag race +22650,1,What do middle eastern people smoke? An Abu Doobie +22651,0,How do you call a dog that is into BDSM? A sub-woofer +22652,1,People who eat ass have a shitty taste in sex +22653,2,"Little boy gets home from school and says. ""Dad,I've got a part in a school play,I play a man who's been married for 25 yrs"" His dad replies,""Never mind son,maybe next time you'll get a speaking part""." +22654,0,"Not being the favorite child, how did it affect me, you asked? It makes me want to have siblings." +22655,4,"Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”" +22656,4,"A German tourist saved my dog A German tourist jumps into the freezing cold water to save my poor dog, after climbing out he says “Keep ze dog dry and varm, he vill be fine” I replied “are you a vet” to which he replied “Vet? I’m fucking soaking”" +22657,1,My wife just said to me that i'm a Pedophile and it is wrong -Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old. +22658,1,"A guy brings his Giraffe into a bar... ... but the giraffe bumps his head on the ceiling and falls over. The bartender says ""Hey! You can't have that lyin' in here!"" And the guy calmly replies, ""That's not a lion, its a giraffe!""" +22659,0,"Jimmy Stewart's favorite joke. Margaret and John,a married couple, are at the breakfast table one morning when Margaret asks John,"" if I were to die would you remarry?"". John is reluctant to get into this discussion and avoids answering. Margaret is persistent however, and repeats the question for days on end. John, finally badgered into responding replies, ""yes, Honey I probably would remarry."" Margaret now asks, ""Would you sell our house?"" ""No, I would never do that"" says John. ""Would you sell our bed?"" she asks. ""Of course not"" he answers. ""And would you ever let her use my golf clubs?"" she wants to know. John answers,"" No Sweetheart never,besides she's left handed""." +22660,0,What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and an elementary school? I don't know man I just fly the drones. +22661,0,"Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking. Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking. " +22662,2,Yo Mamma's so dumb.... She stayed up all night studying for her blood test +22663,2,What did our parents do to kill boredom before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either +22664,0,Southern Archaeologists Archaeologists in Florida decided to dig straight in the ground in hopes of learning more about their ancestors. They dug 100 feet and found telephone lines and based on that find concluded that their ancestors were using telephones 100 years ago. Likewise archaeologists in Georgia start digging to learn more about their history. They dug 500 feet and find fiber optics cables. Based on that they conclude that their ancestors used internet 500 years ago. In Albama archaeologist dig 1000 feet and dont find anything. Based on that they conclude that their ancestors used cell phones 1000 years ago. +22665,0,"A man was delivering a futon to this little old lady's apartment He came in with the delivery and asked her, ""Excuse me, ma'am, where would you like me to put your futon?"" She looked at him from a chair she was sitting on and smiled, ""oh! What a gentleman! If you could just lift it onto that chair for me, that'd be wonderful."" The man looked at the rather large box, then at the standard-sized dinning chair she'd pointed to, next to her. ""Ma'am, I don't think it'll fit on the chair."" He chuckled. The old lady stopped smiling. ""Pardon?"" ""It's rather large, you see. I doubt I could move it there without breaking the chair."" The woman looked outraged. ""How dare you! You walk into my house and insult me like that!"" She got up from her chair rather quickly for her age. ""Get out! Get out!"" She cornered him to the door before shooing him out. ""Ma'am-"" ""Young man, don't think I can't put my own foot on the chair! My feet are a perfectly normal size!"" She slammed the door on him before turning back into her house. She spotted the box with her futon against the wall where the man left it. ""Ooh, looks like they've finally delivered my couch-bed!""" +22666,1,How to catch a polar bear: Step 1: cut a hole in the ice. Step 2: set a can of peas opened and in front of it. Step 3: When the bear comes to take a pea kick it in the ice hole. +22667,1,What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? Dr. Pokemon. +22668,0,"SOMEONE POSTED THE LETTERS N,G,B AND A THROUGH MY LETTERBOX AT 3.AM I THINK THATS BANG OUT OF ORDER" +22669,4,Why is a woman like a condom? They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. +22670,0,Three Germans walk into a BAR They die. +22671,3,What’s a quantum physicist’s favorite trend? Plancking. +22672,1,What do you call a dairy cow that doesn't produce milk? An udder failure +22673,4,"A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... The waitress says, ""Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl"". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, ""Are you going to eat that chili?"" The other guy says, ""No. Help yourself"". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, ""Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too""." +22674,0,What did the waitress do with the Coke before it was cool? Serve it to a hipster. +22675,0,Belgian metal I came up with a joke about the Belgian metal scene but nobody liked it. It went down like a lead Walloon. +22676,0,How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a man's job. +22677,0,What do you call someone who's really good at using the Spanish word for with? A con artist +22678,1,"Lost my watch at a party once But found it an hour later under some guy's shoe who was sexually harassing a girl. So of course I punched him in the face, cause nobody does that on my watch" +22679,1,What Do You Call An Arrogant NASA Employee? A Nas-hole! +22680,0,How did Egyptian kings communicate with their wives? They used their Pharaoh-moans. +22681,2,"There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, ""A call from Hell to Hell is local." +22682,2,"Nurse walks in to a patient's room In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on. A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, ""I'm here to change your sheets!"" Patient says, ""Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"" Nurse blushes and says, ""I'm just here to change your sheets!"" Patient says, ""Please, nurse, I'm begging -- are my testicles black?"" Nurse lifts up his sheet, pulls up his gown and thoroughly inspects his private parts. ""Sir, it all looks fine!"" Patient slowly removes oxygen mask and says, ""That was very nice, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?""" +22683,1,Which November holiday is a weed smoker's favorite? Danksgiving. +22684,2,Putting things in the bin may be ‘lit’ But dropping them on the floor is litter +22685,1,How does Jesus Christ make his coffee? Hebrews it +22686,1,"In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed. So their kids can't hear the ice cream van" +22687,2,TIL The queen bee has sex with up to 40 males per day. Just like your mom. +22688,3,Why was the calendar depressed? Because it's days were numbered +22689,4,If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear... Would Greece help? +22690,2,People really hate my cheesy puns... but I'm quite fondue of them. +22691,6,"A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens... The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one. The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. ""Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire."" The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG! The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. ""Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!""" +22692,0,"4 mexicans in a car, who's driving? the police " +22693,6,The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene. It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan. +22694,7,Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice. +22695,0,A horse walks into a bar..... and asks the bartender - 'Is there such a thing as anthropomorphism?' +22696,1,"As a foreigner, why do people make fun of the way I curse? This one guy at work in particular. He's a scumbag, a real piece of fuck." +22697,2,My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents. My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight. +22698,6,"Son: ""Mom, Dad, I'm gay."" Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: ""Don't!"" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: ""..."" Dad: ""HI GAY, I'M DAD""" +22699,3,Palindromes Racecar backwards is racecar! Racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died. +22700,2,"DeeDee and DooDaa DeeDee and DooDaa were best friends who loved to fish. One day while they were fishing, DooDaa fell in the lake and drowned. Frantic, DeeDee ran to the sheriff's office. He tried to explain what happened but DeeDee stuttered really badly. Finally the sheriff says ""just show me deedee."" They get to the lake and get doodaa's body out of the water and the sheriff says somebody will need to tell his wife. Being doodaa's best friend, DeeDee volunteers. He gets to the house and again just can't get the words out to tell the wife what happened due to his stutter. The wife eventually says ""just sing it deedee, you never stutter when you sing."" So DeeDee starts singing: ""Guess who drowned in the lake today, Doodaa, doodaa, guess who drowned in the lake today, oh DooDaa did.""" +22701,1,What’d you have for lunch? Rubber buns and liquor. What’d you have for dinner? Rubber buns and liquor. What’d do to your girlfriend? Rubber buns and liquor. +22702,2,Three Nuns Three Nuns are walking when suddenly a man comes up and exposes himself to them. The first nun was startled and had a stroke. The second nun was also surprised and also has a stroke. The third nun didn't touch the man. +22703,3,"I'm going to buy a field. Then I'm going to go and stand in it. While I'm there, I'm going to ring my boss and tell him I deserve a pay rise because I'm out standing in my field." +22704,1,How do you please an Amish woman? Two mennonite. +22705,2,Up votes are a bit like my sex life. It doesn't happen. +22706,3,Why was the fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because he dropped out of school. +22707,1,"Told my wife that I am taking her to ""The Amazing Escape Room"" for Valentines day.... ...I hope she likes The Best Western!" +22708,0,"The lead actress of our local theatre production of ""Diary of Anne Frank"" was so bad that... In the scene where the Nazi officer comes into the stage and asks "" Where is she ?"" "" In the attic "" shouted more than half of the audience" +22709,1,"I named my dick cancer. Because whenever someone gets it, they will do anything to get it out of their life." +22710,1,"A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg, ""Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, ""Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"" ""I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?"" the doctor asked. ""That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."" The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, ""Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"" ""Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."" The doctor was truly dumbfounded. ""Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle,"" the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, ""Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!"" ""I have no idea what to tell you,"" the doctor said. ""There's nothing about it in any of my books,"" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. ""However... I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places.""" +22711,3,"Two ninjas are training in a field. One ninja says ""I'll bet you can't hit that that target with your throwing star."" The other ninja says ""Shur-I-ken.""" +22712,2,What is the highest grade a Canadian can get? Eh +22713,1,"Peter, said Jesus, ""you are my rock."" Peter looked angry... ""I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!""" +22714,1,Xbox one:Help I am on fire. I need an ambulance Ps4: Wait I am calling one. Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U +22715,2,Ching Chong actually means something in Chinese! It means you're racist +22716,1,"An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash, They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: ""each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will not be at fault."" And so they both headed for the jungle. After a while the American came back with 100 berries and asked the head of the tribe: ""So, have I won now?"", ""no"" he said ""now you must put each berrie in your asshole one by one without laughing. So he started counting 1,2,3,4,5 and when he got to 99 he bursted out laughing."" Why did you start laughing now!"" asked the head of the tribe. ""Well, "" said the American ""I just saw the Canadian come out of the forest with 100 coconuts!"" " +22717,0,I think im gonna have an ideal vision soon or its just 2020 approaching +22718,0,Where do you store an insane cocaine addled duck? In a quack pot +22719,2,Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science? Because it’s always pushing electrons around +22720,0,You remind me of a door Because you're a-door-able :} +22721,2,What do you call a duck that always hits the target? A quackshot +22722,1,"John knows everyone John at work brags about him knowing everyone. His boss, Mike, is quite mad at him, and one day he says ""It's impossible that you know everyone on Earth"", but John replies ""That's not true, I'll prove it to you, just says a name"". Mike, quite confident, replies ""President Obama"". ""Ah, Barack, an old friend. Let's take a flight, we are going there to meet him"". Once they arrived at the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, John enters the White House, greetings all the security guys. Then at the White Office they meet with Obama and have a nice chat. Mike is surprised, but John continues to challenge him, so he ask to meet Bill Gates. After few hours of flight they arrive in California and meet with the tech tycoon. Mike is furious, so he challenge John to meet the Pope. ""Oh yeah, it's a long time since I saw the Pope, I'll visit him"". They take a flight to Rome and then a cab to the Vatican City. Once there John says ""There's to much crowd, the Pope will never see me, wait here, I'll go up to meet him and then we will go to the window, so you will see us"". John goes inside the buildings and then he meet the Pope, but when they appear at the window, John see chaos and an ambulance where Mike was. He rushes down the stairs and see Mike lying down. ""Are you ok boss? What happened?"" ""Oh, I had bout when you with the Pope appeared at the window and the guy next to me asked << Who's the guy next to John?>>"". " +22723,5,"A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen, where a brother was frying chips. ""Are you the friar?"" he asked. The brother replied, ""No. I'm the chip monk.""" +22724,0,"A man walks up to god and asks him, ""Are you a ladies man?"" God replies: ""I'm a soul man.""" +22725,4,"Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons They forgot to mention Morons." +22726,4,What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum? Dyson. +22727,5,What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD A trip without the kids. +22728,0,What do you call Mexicans that just smoked weed? Baked Beans. +22729,0,"One day two brothers were taking in the yard... One day two brothers were raking in the front yard. The older brother, who is 6, says, ""Hey, at breakfast tomorrow, me and you should say a cuss word!"" The younger brother, who is 4, nods with excitement. So, the next day, their mother says, ""What do you want for breakfast?"" to the older brother. He replies, ""All hell! I'll have some Cherrios!"" The mother grabs him by the ear and spanks him all the way up the stairs into his room. ""Now, what do you want for breakfast?"" The mother says to the younger brother. To which the younger brother exclaimed ""I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it ain't going to be Cherrios!"" " +22730,0,Your momma so fat she thought a quarterback was a refund +22731,0,Why did Jesus go to the gym? To make sure his cross fit. +22732,4,Stop saying your life is a joke. It's not. Jokes have meaning. +22733,0,"A farmer orders his sheepdog to get all of his sheep back in the pen He reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”" +22734,1,Why can't a turtle stand up? Because of a reptile dysfunction. +22735,2,"Dating Joke I used to date a girl who wore a patch over her eye. One day when we were together, she said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye." +22736,7,"My girlfriend asked me, ""If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"" I said, ""America.""" +22737,1,"A man goes to get a haircut, and the barber starts to make friendly conversation with him. Barber: So the other day, I was mowing the lawn because my kid was at work and couldn’t do it. My neighbor was taking a walk, and came up to me and we started talking. ——————————————————————— Neighbor: It’s a nice day out, isn’t it? Barber: Yeah, but it’s a little harder to enjoy because I’m a bit sweaty. I’ve been mowing the lawn for about 4 hours now. Neighbor: But your yard isn’t even that big, how does it take you that long? Barber: Well, to be fair, I can only use one shaver at a time." +22738,0,How much is the jackson five worth? 100 dollars +22739,2,"A man finds work in a remote mining camp... When he arrived, the foreman said to him: ""You are going to enjoy being here, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we get very, very drunk"". ""I dont enjoy the taste of alcohol very much, sir"", said the newly arrived. The foreman continued: ""Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays we bring whores to the camp"". ""I also do not enjoy laying with loose woman, sir"". ""Are you a faggot?"", asked the foreman. ""No, Sir"" was the answer. ""Well, you are not going to enjoy Sundays either""." +22740,1,Fact: It is against league rules for an NFL player to own a pet duck. It's considered a personal fowl. +22741,0,Walked into a cake shop And the owner said all cakes are $1. I said 'can I get this one?'. He responded with 'that one is $2'. I looked at him with confusion and he said 'that's Madeira cake'. +22742,1,I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about cows But he told me he wasn't in the MOOd +22743,6,"Murder @ Wal-Mart So here's the story. . . Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........ The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ... (You're going to hate me for this ... ) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'" +22744,4,I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world. T The front page is now over 95% recycled content. +22745,2,I especially despise sausages... But German ones are the wurst. +22746,4,"My doctor told me that I would have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why, she said ""Because I’m trying to examine you""" +22747,5,If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments. +22748,0,I am tired of hearing people say that Hillary sucks... It's Monica that does. +22749,0,A cat walks into a bar And it is then rescued and killed by Peta. Stray animals are a threat in all situations +22750,0,Why did Morgan Freeman sexually harass women? Because he's a free-man. +22751,1,Why don't white girls like trigonometry? Because secant even. +22752,2,"A blonde reporter is given a choice... Her boss tells her that she has to get a good scoop within an hour or she’ll be fired. She thinks for a while, then, her face lights up, and she runs to her car and drives off. Her boss waits an hour, then texts her to ask where she is. She responds with an address, and after driving there, her boss is surprised to find an ice cream shop. He walks in to find the blonde happily eating ice cream. He asks her what she’s doing, not getting a scoop when she holds up her ice cream, saying, ‘This is the best scoop I’ve ever gotten!’" +22753,0,Who is more brave American or Russian ? American said i pissed on the White house. Russian replied i shit in front of Kremlin. American: Wow ... i have to admit i did it when no one was looking. Russian: Well i also left out something ... i didn't took my pants off. +22754,2,"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that? ""Yeah, Luters I expect."" --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic" +22755,4,If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets. I'd hate to toot my own horn +22756,0,"Imagine being short, imagine being me Try to put on my shoes. oh wait they don’t fit" +22757,2,So apparently I've stopped drinking. I never wanted to. I made a drinking game where every time someone posted an original joke to r/jokes I would have a drink. I've been sober for 8 years now :( +22758,1,"He was a man of few words ""He was a man of few words, my father; especially near the end. Every time I would come visit him in his retirement home, he would always shine up and every time he would ask to be shaved. He was always devastated when I left. I will always miss you, pops. I am proud to bear your name."" The man sat back down on a pew as the organ started playing. A woman leaned over from behind him and whispered, ""Beautiful words, Mr. Connery.""" +22759,1,"Blood test I am having a blood test on monday for my prostrate. Doctor says I am not supposed to have sex, masturbate and ride my bicycle for three days. If I could have sex and masturbate while riding a bicycle I wouldn't be needing the blood test! " +22760,3,"If someone changes their hair color to or from red, Does that make them transginger?" +22761,2,My mom says that everyone has a beautiful side So I guess I am a circle +22762,1,There are two types of friends. Those who say 'tell me about it' and those who say 'tell me about it's. +22763,0,The first man to milk a cow... What was he trying to do? +22764,1,I once saw a skinned Grizzly The bare bear was barely bearable. +22765,0,Why did the blind blonde cross the road? She was following her seeing-eye chicken. +22766,0,"A duck walks into a bar... And asks the bartender, “you got any grapes?” the bartender looks at the duck and says “no”, so the duck leaves. Next day the duck walks into the bar and asks “hey, you have any grapes?” the bartender tells the duck “no”, the duck leaves again. Third day the duck walks into the bar and again asks “you for any grapes?” The bartender getting tired of the duck yells “No and if I see you again I’m coming to nail your feet to the floor”. The duck leaves again. The next day sure enough the duck comes back to the bar and asks “do you have any nails?” Confused the bartender says “no, why?” The duck then asks “ you got any grapes?”" +22767,1,"Dad, I'm going to play rugby with my friends ... you know where the ball inflator is? Dad: ""Go to look for it ... it must be cooking.""" +22768,3,What do you call a mexican who has lost his car ? Carlos +22769,1,Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body in a car accident? He's alright now. +22770,1,What is God's name? Hallow....hallowed be thy name.... +22771,1,Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine... But it's a solid number two. +22772,0,"I recently found a girl using Chaturbate to play games and get tips. The other she was extra chatty.. If I wanted to watch girls pretend to play, I would go to Twitch." +22773,3,"three college students are trying to join a fraternity... They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He quickly claims it as his sleeping spot. The second student walks upstairs and discovers a bathroom with no windows that is warmer than the other rooms. He quickly claims that as his room for the night. The third student is far more afraid than the other two, and decides to sleep on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs, since it is soft and close to the front door. The three students eventually fall asleep. In the middle of the night, the student in the bedroom wakes up to horrible stomach pains. He has to use the bathroom but remembers there is no way to flush, and student number two is sleeping in there. In a panic, he decides to use his pillow case as an alternative. He hurls the case out of his room and down the stairs, and quickly falls back asleep. In the morning, both students upstairs wake up to find student number 3 who had been sleeping downstairs did not make it through the night. They went to his dorm to find him visibly shaken. They ask what happened to which he replied ""I'm not sure, but I think I beat the shit out of a ghost last night""." +22774,6,"A Wife Gets Naked..... and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'" +22775,0,Marvel joke Q:What do you call the security guard at a Samsung store? A: The guardians of the galaxy! +22776,0,What do you call a city with a constipated population? A no-go zone. +22777,5,"A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face ""Where in the hell are you off to?"" He asked The wife replied, ""Im off to New York!"" ""Whats so special about New York?"" The man asked ""In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!"" She shouted The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes into a bag. ""What are you doing?"" The wife questioned. ""I want to see you survive in New York on $800 per year!""" +22778,1,A wild brown rabbit recently became the world's very first non-human creature to be charged with a crime and subsequently arrested. The charge: Disturbing the peas! +22779,0,My friend is addicted to pain pills I Opiates better... +22780,1,"Sir, you cannot fish here! ""Don't worry, I'm just teaching my worm to swim.""" +22781,4,"A $10 Complaint A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, ""What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?""" +22782,0,"I think I finally figured out what to get Trump for Christmas! A nice watch, because he's always asking for the TIME!" +22783,0,"If there are 10 pigeons and 5 are male, there must be 5 female pigeons... By the pigeonhole principle." +22784,5,Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped The Police still have no lead. +22785,3,"Women are turning into good drivers! So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning!" +22786,0,"A man walks by a store with a sign thats goes: ""If we don't have it in stock, we'll do it for you!"" *The man walks inside the store and finds a woman working there as a cashier.* Man: Do you guys have any kind of jobs available? Cashier: No we don't unfortunately. Man: Alright, I'll take a blowjob then." +22787,1,"Superman was looking for sex He was particularly horny one day and decided to ask some of his superhero friends for advice on some attractive women. As Superman flew around Gotham City he saw Batman on top of a building. Faster than a speeding bullet, Superman whooshes down and asks Batman if he knows any girls who would be willing to have sex with him. ""Oh definitely Wonder Woman. Her breasts were so firm..."" ""Stop right there. Diana and I have been friends for a very long time, I couldn't have sex with her"" replied Superman. Disappointed with the lack of a women, Superman decides to fly over to Central City to meet with The Flash, now being even hornier than before. Faster than a speeding bullet, Superman catches up with The Flash running a track and asks him whether he knows anyone who would be willing to have sex with him. ""God, I'll never forget Wonder Woman. Her ass was so big..."" ""Stop right there. Wonder Woman and I have been friends for a very long time. I couldn't have sex with her."" replies Superman And with that Superman left hornier than he's ever been. Now flying around Metropolis, he sees Wonder Woman, legs spread out and moaning. Realizing he cannot hold it any longer he whooshes down faster than a speeding bullet, sticks his dick inside, and with a few thrusts he flies away. Dazed, Wonder Woman asks ""What the hell was that??"" To which Invisible Man replies ""I don't know babe but my ass hurts""" +22788,2,Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box +22789,0,"A Cherokee community leader walks into a bar A Cherokee community leader, short stature, rather dark skin, enters the bar and saddles up. He seems frustrated, and pulls his wallet which has a money clip and slams it on the bar. The bartender approaches and notices his fat wad of cash. The man tells the bartender before being asked, ""get me a glass of wine."" The bartender says, ""I can get you whatever you wish! What do you prefer?"" The man thinks and says, ""Guess something dry and red."" The man scratches his ankle and groans, while the bartender goes to the back and pours the finest Shiraz they have in stock. The man sniffs the glass, swirls it around, and takes a taste. The bartender asks, ""Well, what do you think?"" ""Well, I was hoping for bigger legs.""" +22790,1,One for you MTG Players Happiness goes on the stack but it never resolves. Esp when I'm against control +22791,1,What do you call a Transylvanian baby? A Wahhhhhmpire! +22792,1,"A husband and wife are eating at Hooters for their 20th anniversary. A busty gorgeous blond waitress comes up and asks them what they'd like to drink. ""Oh my god you are gorgeous."" Said the husband with the intent of pissing his wife off. His wife just shook her head and smiled. ""Why don't you introduce your wife to her you pig, or better yet, introduce her to your erectile dysfunction. "" The husband looks at the waitress who was now smiling nervously at them. The husband looked at the waitress and pointed at his wife and said, ""Ma'am I'd like to introduce you to my erectile dysfunction, my wife.""" +22793,0,My girlfriend's favorite sex move is the New Yorker Driver she doesn't give any fucks +22794,0,"What does a Rubik's cube have in common with a penis The more you play with it, the harder it gets." +22795,0,How can you tell if your dog is gay? If he's sucking another dogs dick in the back of a gay dog night club. +22796,2,I thought I finally found a girl who wouldn't play hard to get. Then my roommate filled my blow-up doll with helium. +22797,0,What has five balls and rapes people? The Mega Millions Ok I forgot it has six. Jeez one ball isn’t going to make a difference when you have five in you already. +22798,3,I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said - why would we choose you.. +22799,1,What do r/jokes and r/plagiarism have in common? I'm not sure - I haven't found the answer yet but as soon as I see it posted somewhere I'll tell you. +22800,9,"A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans... ""First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"" ""But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"" ""Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"" Edit: Obligatory ""thnx 4 front page guis!""" +22801,1,So I found out today I have Alzheimer's... So I found out today I have Alzheimer's... +22802,0,Why was tiramisu Ted Bundy's favorite dessert? Because of the lady fingers. +22803,0,Soon-Yi Previn. Not the first Asian chick to have a secret woody... +22804,0,"Take me to Vet. Wife: How are you feeling? Husband: Very sick, please take me to Vet….. Wife: Vet? Why? Husband: I woke up early in the morning like a Roster, Run to work like Horse, Work all day like Donkey, forced to eat veggies like a goat, I take care of the kids like a cat, in mall I walk behind you like a dog, for every demand I say “yes dear”.. “yes dear” like a parrot, and at night I sleep with a Cow. Who is better than a Vet to understand my issue? " +22805,0,What did Miss Muppet say when she ran out of food? No whey! +22806,0,What is Elon's favorite fruit? Musk melon. +22807,0,"What did the lesbian say after a dry spell? ""Ah, just like riding a dyke.""" +22808,0,"fast roads gettin it on... fast? what is it called when a Highway, an Interstate and an Expressway get it on? A three way" +22809,0,"Hey girl, are you a garbage collector? Because I'd like you to grab my junk. " +22810,0,"The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense." +22811,0,I'm officially in the mile high club I fucked up +22812,2,"Three boys are walking next to eachother in a park one day Their names are Fuck you, Shit and Manners. All three are talking about their day when Shit trips over and lands on the floor quite hard, twisting his ankle. Manners being the closest runs to him and tries to help him up, but can't as he is in too much pain. Fuck you, in a panic, franticly searches for someone to help them, stopping at a policeman about 50 yards away. He sprints to the policeman and begins pleading for his help. ""Sir! My friend's fallen and he's hurt hi-"" ""Now, now boy, Slow down a bit. What's your name?"" ""Fuck you, sir!"" ""Excuse me? Where are your manners boy?"" ""Over there sir, picking up Shit."" " +22813,7,"A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them ""You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go."" The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered ""Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it.""" +22814,0,What did Santa say when his reindeer made him laugh? You sleigh me +22815,2,"Little Johnny goes to the rodeo with his mom and dad... Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly. ""Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?"" Johnny asks, pointing. Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, ""Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."" Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom. Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, ""Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"" ""That's the bull's cock, son,"" his dad answers. ""He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."" ""But mommy said it was nothing!"" Johnny replied. Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. ""Son... I've spoiled that woman...""" +22816,7,"Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down. As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom, the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down right across from her and looks her right in the eyes. Without blinking he says, ""I want to suck your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with Tequila, and sip it out with a straw."" Needless to say, the woman is appaulled. The man notices the boyfriend coming back so he returns to his bar stool. As the boyfriend sits down, his girlfriend tells him frantically, ""that man at the bar said he wanted to suck my nipples raw."" Well the boyfriend gets pissed and stands up like he's getting ready to beat the shit out of this guy. ""Hold on honey, there's more,"" the girlfriend says. ""What is it?!"" the boyfriend asks. His girlfriend says, ""He also said he wanted to fill my pussy up with Tequila and sip it out with a straw."" Her boyfriend then sits back down in his seat. Angrily, his girlfriend says, ""Well aren't you going to do anything?!?!?!"" Her boyfriend replies, ""Honey, I'm not messing with any man who can drink that much Tequila."" " +22817,0,"A man gets pulled over by a police officer The police officer gestures for him to roll down the window, and when he does says '*Excuse me sir, are you aware that you were doing eighty miles per hour in a thirty zone?*' The man looks outraged. '*I was doing twenty-five and not an inch more!*' he stammers angrily. The officer is about to respond when the man's wife leans over from the passenger seat and says '*Please don't argue with him while he's drunk, officer...*'" +22818,1,"How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend? He passed her a blunt with a ring around it and said: Marriage, you wanna? " +22819,0,Did you here about the feminist picnic yesterday? It was canceled because nobody would make sandwiches. +22820,2,Three men walk into a bar You think one would have noticed +22821,1,"I love to be tied up and dominated during sex. However, it makes being a rapist incredibly difficult." +22822,4,"Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Now, you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!" +22823,0,"Two Americans and a Trump follower were discussing the collapse of bee hives. One American said, ""You know what the worst thing will be if we lose bees? No more natural honey."" The other American said, ""Don't be stupid. If we lose bees, they won't pollinate flowers, and that will wreak havoc with the entire ecosystem, never mind honey."" The Trump follower, after taking his hand out of his underwear and smelling it, said ""I guess the big problem is no more of that stuff bees make that gets rid of undesirables. Zyklon bee."" The Americans laughed uncomfortably, then became dead silent realizing that the Trump follower was being serious. (LMAO! Trumpie Triggered! Downvoted literally within 5 seconds of posting.)" +22824,1,How do you know when guy is rich in America When you see him at the hospital. +22825,1,Where do the poor Italians live? In Spaghetto. +22826,3,"How to be a macho mouse Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, ""You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."" The second mouse, not to be outdone says, ""Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it."" The third mouse says, ""You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat.""" +22827,1,"A grandmother went to the doctor with a knife in her knee... She explained that she wanted to kill herself ""The why did you stab youself in the knee?"" aksed the doctor. ""Thats how thay told me"" repled the grandma, ""two fingers under the tits""." +22828,6,I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater! it writes other words too but that's my favorite +22829,6,"I called my Sergeant this morning and said, ""I'm not coming into work today."" ""Why not?"" he asked. I said, ""My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."" ""That's no excuse!"" he shouted. I said, ""I know, but try telling her that...""" +22830,0,Why are black people fast runners? They have 3 long strong legs. +22831,2,"A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains. She replys: ""It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?""" +22832,1,Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass? Fake pews +22833,1,What do you call a grandma drag queen from Massachusetts? A Nantucket. +22834,2,What cologne does Bill Cosby wear? Chloroform +22835,5,98% of black people love having sex in showers The other 2% haven't been to prison yet +22836,0,My cousin has a pain in her left eye for reading to much on her iPhone I think she needs an eye pad +22837,2,Why is every 3rd pool in Germany empty? Eins Zwei Drei +22838,2,"I was walking down a pathway between fields when a farmer yelled out to me Farmer: Can you please help me round up these 19 sheep? Me: Sure, you have 20" +22839,1,My mother died suddenly from natural causes. I strangled her with kelp. +22840,3,I have a lot of unemployment jokes But they don’t work. +22841,0,"Irishman walks into a bar And the bartender can clearly see what appears to be a small steering wheel coming out of the Irishman's fly. The bartender is intrigued, and asks: ""Hey, what's with that steering wheel?"" The Irishman replies: ""Aye, it's driving me nuts.""" +22842,2,"Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying. Confused, Peter says, ""What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"" The first man says, ""I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the covers, startled that I was home early. Naturally, my suspicions didn't go away, so I searched and searched the whole apartment, becoming angry and frustrated due to not being able to find anyone. Eventually I got so angry that I threw our refrigerator out the window! Then I blacked out, so I probably had a heart attack and died... The second man becomes livid at this story. ""WHAT?! ARE YOU *KIDDING* ME?!,"" he screamed. ""I'll tell you how I died. I was walking down the sidewalk, minding my own damn business, when I heard a noise above me. So I looked up, and the last thing I saw before winding up here was a huge ass refrigerator barrelling down at me!"" To the third man, Peter says, ""And you? You were the last to die. How?"" Wryly, the third man responds, ""Well... I was hiding in a refrigerator when someone threw me out a window and I died...""" +22843,1,Did you see the fist fight between stevie wonder and Ray Charles Neither did they +22844,2,"The nature of Reddit ingrained throughout history The Latin word Reddo means to return. This means that Reddit means ""it returns"" and Redditor means ""one who returns"". This makes a lot of sense, because when you see a post on Reddit, it returns, it returns, it returns." +22845,1,How do you confuse an idiot? 17 +22846,4,What do you call a man with no body and a nose ? Nobody knows! +22847,5,If I had a nickle for everytime I had sex.. I would be the worst prostitute ever. +22848,1,I'm pretty envious of the lift installer... His job is literally getting high. +22849,2,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl take a piss Because the ""p"" is silent" +22850,0,Two pirates... Hobble into a Barrrrrr! And later drive thier ship home drunk because they don't own a carrrrr! They didn't have to go farrrr. +22851,2,Did you hear the one about the Sexy element? It was sodium fine +22852,0,How do they print money for boars? With Pig Mint Pigment +22853,3,If I had a Crystal Ball I'd sit down VERY carefully +22854,1,"There was a guy who had a wooden eye. He was depressed because he couldn't find a woman that could get past the eye. One day he decides to go to the bar and after getting shot down a few times he walks over to the bar to get drunk. While sitting at the bar he sees a lady who looks upset. She had been shot down by a few men because she had big floppy ears. The man thinks to himself, ""Ya know what, she's not perfect, but I'm going to ask her to dance."" He finishes his drink, walks over and says, ""Excuse me, would you like to dance?"" Excited, she says, ""Would I?!"" The man responds, ""FLAP EARS, FLAP EARS!""" +22855,3,"Why did Billie Joe Armstrong smell so nice whilst walking down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams? He wore cologne, he wore cologne. " +22856,2,Where's Donald Trump's favorite place to shop? Wall-Mart! +22857,4,"A teacher asks her class, ""What do you want to be when you grow up?"" Little Johnny says ""I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. ""And you, Susie? "" the teacher asks. Susie says ""I wanna be Johnny's bitch." +22858,1,What is the most helpful beverage? lemon-aid +22859,1,What did the Apple say after being castrated? Now I'm unix! +22860,0,"My English teacher is recovering from major cancer surgery. Now, he has a semicolon." +22861,1,"Douce! The sound of a water balloon hitting a ""Trick Or Treater"" square in the face. Now try and have a Happy Halloween." +22862,0,What starts with a P and ends with an n? Procrastina +22863,4,The U.K. has no money Sorry for poor English +22864,1,"Exam results My daughter, the proud school football cheerleader, came down the stairs this morning, I said, ""Give me an E.."" She said, ""E"" ""Give me and F.."" ""F"" ""Give me another E.."" ""E"" ""Give me a U"" ""U"" ""And another E..."" ""E.."" ""What have we got?"" She said, ""That doesn't spell anything, dad.."" I said, ""I know, I just opened your exam results.""" +22865,2,"The BDC A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. ""18 inches,"" he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.  ""See that lump in my sock?"" The man nods. ""And I'm just the janitor.""" +22866,1,What would happen if you took all of the economists in the world and laid them end to end? They still wouldn't reach a conclusion. +22867,2,"School should be like a woman's skirt... Long enough to cover the subject matter, short enough to keep things interesting " +22868,2,"I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me. I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing! Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I asked them why they did not provide me what I asked for. The chef said, ""Well sir, you said you wanted your meal de-livered.""" +22869,3,What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear +22870,1,"One day a plane was flying over the mountains... One day a plane was flying over the mountains when suddenly they experienced engine trouble. The plane crashed and every single person on board died, yet there were 2 survivors. How is that possible? (Don't spoil it too quickly)" +22871,1,Why do hipsters hate Wesley Crusher? Because they're Wheaton intolerant. +22872,1,"For the next Olympic Equestrian contest, they are renaming the “Show Jumping” event. They are calling it Sarah Jessica Parkour." +22873,5,I just invented a new word. 'Plagiarism' +22874,0,A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. They were told to try Amazon +22875,0,How much sawdust does a chicken have to eat to lay a two by four? Give up? So did the chicken. +22876,0,"Little Johnny isn't paying attention in class..... Little Johnny isn't paying attention in class The teacher looks at him and says, ""Johnny, three birds on sitting on a fence. If you shoot one, how many are left?"" To which Johnny replies, ""None, the shot killed one and scared the others away"" So the teacher responds, ""No, but I like the way you think"" Little Johnny looks at her and says, ""I have a problem for you. Three women are walking down the street eating ice cream; one's licking her ice cream, ones sucking her ice cream, and the other is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?"" The teacher quickly responds, ""Obviously the woman sucking the icecream"" Johnny quips, ""No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.""" +22877,0,"Did you hear about Donald Trump's porno? It stars Trump himself, a Mexican woman, and a glory hole. " +22878,0,"Why is Jew good at doing basketball crossovers? would probably say 'don't reach, young blood'." +22879,4,"How do you get an 80 year old woman to say f***? Have another 80 year old woman yell ""bingo!""" +22880,1,"A black cat and a white cat falls into the water, what did the black cat said to the white cat? Meow " +22881,4,"Bob came home drunk one night, slid into his bed, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates,, where St. Peter, said, ""You died in your sleep, Bob."" Bob was stunned. ""I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"" St. Peter said, ""I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."" Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ""So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"" ""Not bad,"" replied Bob, ""but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"" ""You're ovulating,"" explained the rooster. ""Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"" ""Never,"" said Bob ""Well, just relax and let it happen,"" says the rooster. ""It's no big deal."" Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell ""BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!""" +22882,0,What do you call a French whore? Lahore. +22883,1,"If there’s one thing I know about vampires... They’re neck-romancers [OC, I slay me]" +22884,0,Obama and Trump are told to race to see who could sprint 1 pussy plant faster. Who wins? Obama. Trump hasn't yet figured out how to run a cunt-tree. +22885,0,What goes clip clop clip clop... BANG BANG clip clop clip clop A drive by shooting in Amish town! +22886,0,"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist" +22887,3,"How did you die? Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. How'd you die?"" the first man asks the second. ""I froze to death,"" says the second. ""That's awful,"" says the first man. ""How does it feel to freeze to death?"" ""It's very uncomfortable at first,"" says the second man. ""You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"" ""I had a massive head injury,"" says the first man. ""You see, I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one has hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I hit the top step, I tripped, fell three flights of stairs, and landed square on the back of my head. Dead."" The second man shakes his head, ""That's so ironic,"" he says. ""What do you mean?"" asks the first man. ""If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.""" +22888,0,"A man and a woman meet in a bar... ...let's call them, Sarah and Stanley. They hit it off and very shortly, they are back at her place to have some fun. The next morning, Sarah asks her lover ""That's was amazing, when can I see you again?"" The man replies ""Sorry, never again. You've been one-night-Stanned""" +22889,4,Ninja Joke Can a viking throw an axe? Sure he can. Can a cowboy throw a lasso? Sure he can. Can a ninja throw a spinning blade? Shuriken. +22890,6,"Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car? When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired." +22891,2,What did the Maxipad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings. +22892,0,You know what they say about Dr Seuss's daughter? She gives the best back rubs. +22893,0,What's a rhotacist pirate's favourite subreddit? r/aww EDIT: w/aww +22894,0,Why is it hard for Arab men to have a guy's night out? They have to find babysitters for their wives. +22895,5,"Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. ""What's your name,"" asked the teacher. ""Mohammad,"" he replied. ""You're in Ireland now,"" replied the teacher, ""So from now on you will be known as Mike.” Mohammad returned home after school. ""How was your day, Mohammad,"" his mother asked? ""My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike. ""Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, and your religion? Shame on you!"" And his mother beat the crap out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. ""What happened to you, Mike?"" she asked. ""Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims." +22896,1,I saw a German person acting bitter at the supermarket today. Guess that makes him a sauerkraut. +22897,1,What cross between a celebrity and animal would be the most stunning creature that ever lived? Electric Eel Patrick Harris +22898,1,I'm no theologian But I've always found it strange Jesus' middle name is Fucking. +22899,0,What's an Italian musician's favorite instrument? Ciaono. +22900,3,How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. They're very efficient and they have no sense of humor. +22901,1,Why isn't r/jokes covering the US elections? It's supposed to be the biggest joke of the year.. +22902,3,"I went to a club last night.. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played ""Come on Eileen"", I got kicked out. " +22903,1,How many Latinos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan +22904,1,The moon may not be made of cheese but I bet it tastes out of this world +22905,0,What's black and white and red all over? A redshifting newspaper. +22906,4,"How does sex work Mommy? A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” " +22907,0,"There Was A Guy Who Thought He Was Pretty Funny... He always laughed at his own jokes and decided to head over to /r/Jokes and read a few jokes to warm up. He found a few funny, but believed he could make a joke that's pretty good too. He spent a couple hours thinking of one to please his fellow redditors, but came up with nothing. He decided to wing it. He posted his joke and waited for the praise. It never came. That's when he realized he was never funny. He was just trying too hard to be one of the funny people who can make a joke on the fly. That guy was me." +22908,0,"The one with the blonde.. A professor told his class: ""Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"" A blonde asked, ""Who is 'Seed'?""" +22909,1,My Jewish professor decided to take a year-long break from teaching He’s on a sabbath-ical +22910,0,Knock! Knock! Ding dong +22911,1,"If you made a sandwich out of a french person, would they suffer from it ? Because technically, they would be in ""pain""." +22912,7,"An elderly man walks into a confessional. Man: “I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.” Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?” Man: “What sins?” Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?” Man: “I'm Jewish.” Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?” Man: “I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!”" +22913,0,Eating a full box of chocolate is like shi# posting. After some time you get a lot of backfire and takes a lot of time to get yourself clean. +22914,4,"What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside? A coconut!" +22915,5,"Luke and Yoda are training on Dagobah Luke and Yoda are training on Dagobah. Suddenly, part of the ledge in front of them falls off. ""Oh no, what do we do, master?"" asked Luke. ""Worry not"" replied Yoda. Yoda takes out a giant 6-foot fork, lays it across the gap in the ledge, and they use it as a bridge. Soon enough, they come to a large iron fence surrounding Yoda's hovel. ""Oh no, what do we do now, master?"" asked Luke. ""Worry not"" replied Yoda. Yoda takes out his giant fork and bends a hole in the fence large enough for them to crawl through. The pair get to Yoda's hovel and Yoda wants to post a notice on the bulletin board. But when they get to the board, Yoda realizes he is out of tacks! ""Worry not, master"" Luke says. He picks up the fork and is about to stick it into the board, when Yoda yells ""Stop! A Jedi uses the fork for no ledge and the fence, but never for a tack!""" +22916,2,What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh? You gonna eat that? +22917,0,What do you call an irish person who sits on your porch all day? Patty O' furniture +22918,0,"The Twins Next Door. Several years ago, back in my high school days, a family moved into the house next door. It was an Asian family with twins in the grade above me named Ving and Ling. Over the years we had gotten close and began to hang out more and more. Eventually, I learned that Ving was unhappy and the source was his name. It was a name that was common in his family, passed down from generation to generation. But in America, it certainly stood out. However, his dad was a traditionalist and never budged on the matter, stating Ving was his name and would always be. With his eighteenth birthday fast approaching, he confided in me that he was going to take action; he was going to change his name. For weeks he planned with his sister, trying to figure out what the perfect name would be until he finally was happy. The name he decided on was Lee, after the great Bruce Lee. It would still reference his Asian heritage, while also fitting in more with American culture. The end of senior year approached for him and his birthday came. He and his sister invited me to go to the courthouse to watch as his documents were filled out for the name change. Being interested in the process, I decided to come along. We arrive and the secretary informs him of the process- he must fill out the form and pay a $50 bill to process all the document changes. With the official paper in front of him, he had Ling hold the payment so he could put his new signature down, Lee. A minute passed and he still didn't sign. ""I... I can't do it! My dad will be furious with me, it's a slap in the face to the family!"" Suddenly, the door burst open. It was his dad. Dread was evident on the faces of the twins and I worried what punishment they would suffer. But instead, the dad called out: Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling." +22919,0,"A sailor is on shore leave in Argentina And he doesn't know a lick of Spanish, not a word. His friend, who has been to the country before, gives him a word of advice. ""So you're going to take a cab, and you're going to pay the driver 15 pesos. No more. And that is Spanish is 'Quince. No más' Can you say that for me?"" ""Quince, no más"" ""Good. Now what do you say if the cab driver asks for 30 pesos?"" ""Quince. No más."" ""25 pesos? ""Quince, no más!"" ""16 pesos?"" ""Quince no más!"" ""Good, I think you're ready"" So the sailor takes the cab into the city, and at the end the cab driver turns around and asks for 12 pesos. ""Quince no más!""" +22920,0,"My girlfriend once told me that she wanted a ""diamond-studded choker"" on Christmas. So I gave her a diamond-studded Falcons jersey, a diamond-encrusted soccer ball with the Paris Saint Germain logo, and a picture of James Harden made entirely out of diamonds." +22921,0,Why doesn't anyone hear psychiatrists in the bathroom? The p is silent. +22922,1,"A girl comes out of Sherlock's office as Watson comes in...he thinks they had sex. ""That girl was in college wasn't she?"" ""Elementary, my dear Watson""" +22923,2,"My Dad showed me how to make bread, then he wanted me to do it on my own... While I was kneeding the dough, he said, ""This time, I won't tell you what to do next"" I told him, ""I don't need you to"" He said, ""Prove it""" +22924,2,I watched a man pickpocket a midget yesterday How can someone stoop so low? +22925,0,Which is heavier a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds. +22926,1,"What do you call 5 guys who have no arms or legs and a woman floating in the water together? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann" +22927,1,"So I posted this on r/ShowerThoughts ""I wonder where I put the soap?"" (Mods deleted it.)" +22928,1,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. +22929,2,Why don’t women play football? Because they know better. +22930,1,"Horny Superman was flying around metropolis...[NSFW] With his X-ray vision, he sees wonder woman naked, spread eagled on the bed. He flies in at light speed,has a quickie, and flies away with a shit-eating grin on his face. **Wonder Woman**- what the fuck was that.....!!!??? **Invsible man**- I donno., but my ass suddenly hurts like hell.!!" +22931,0,What's the most popular drug in Silicon Valley? Codeine. +22932,2,75% of Australian men watch porn. The other 25% are with Optus and still waiting for it to load. +22933,3,"An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey... ""Hey,"" he says, looking down the bar, ""is that Jesus down there?"" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too. An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too. A redneck swaggers in and hollers, ""Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey? is that God's Boy down there?"" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer. As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, ""For your kindness, you are healed!"" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig. Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, ""For your kindness, you are healed!"" The Italian's humpback straightens, and he does a flip. Just then the redneck yells, ""Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!""" +22934,0,What do you call a female Sasquatch? A Snatchsquatch +22935,1,My Grandpa always told me that alcohol is damaging visual sense He also told me that he likes glasses more than being thirsty +22936,7,Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because there are no dental records and their DNA is all the same. +22937,1,What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You’ve to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message +22938,2,What do you call a black man with white hands? A baker. +22939,4,"How do you weigh a chilli pepper? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now." +22940,1,My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card He's a man after my own heart. +22941,5,"My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins! I asked how he could tell which one is which. He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten. And Brian has a cock.'" +22942,1,Where did George Washington keep his armies.....? In his sleevies! +22943,1,"It was a cold winter night... ...so I sat in the corner. It's 90^o there, so I warmed right back up." +22944,1,"Unlike all of you, I'm a loyal boyfriend I'll never cheat on my girlfriends! " +22945,7,What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck... I'll see myself out now. +22946,4,"I dont care if the N word offends, pisses of or hurts anyones feelings, im gonna say it anyways Nickleback" +22947,4,What music are balloons most afraid of? Pop. +22948,1,Why didn't the ant get sick? Because he had antybodies +22949,2,How do you recognize an extroverted engineer? He’ll be looking at your shoes instead of his own. +22950,2,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None +22951,0,I feel really sick today. Now I got to think of an excuse to cancel my doctor's appointment. +22952,3,My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer... We’re in grave danger +22953,3,"A man is donating at his local sperm bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in.... covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin" +22954,1,Why did the chicken named Willie cross the road? He just couldn't wait to get on the road again. +22955,0,I like my women like Jeffery Dahmer likes his men. With a dick. +22956,0,"I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack And buried him in it." +22957,3,What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck. +22958,0,"A comedian tells a witty joke, the audience stabs him... They didn’t get the point." +22959,4,I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born. +22960,1,What do you call a woman with a great body but an unattractive face? Butterface. What do you call a woman with a beautiful face but unattractive breasts? Buttercups +22961,0,This tiny device can make any pair of headphones wireless It's called a money clip - you put money in it and then go buy wireless headphones +22962,1,"Two Blizzard employees are driving through a city and are trying to get to an event. They've been driving for what feels like an eternity but can't seem to find where the event is hosted. They see a young teenager walking on the sidewalk and decide to ask for directions. After pulling to the side and stopping the teen they ask: ""Excuse us, do you happen to know where the Blizzcon event it?"" The teen takes off his headphones and says: ""dO yOu gUyS nOt hAvE pHoNeS?!"" ​" +22963,2,What’s the definition of a will? C’mon guys it’s a dead giveaway +22964,1,"What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? Apologise, wipe it off and back away slowly!" +22965,1,The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch. They realized it was just a huge waist of time. +22966,0,What is Donald Trump's favorite band? Pink Floyd.... he's always talking about The Wall. +22967,1,What does Eevee evolve into when you give it a clock? Eon +22968,3,"I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night. After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked ""How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"" Looking repulsed, she said to me, ""No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"" I said, ""That's great! I'm your man!""" +22969,0,Yo mama so fat... Yo mama's so fat she creates gravitational waves so strong they tamper with physicists experiments.. +22970,1,"A truck driver was speeding down the highway. A police officer is on his tail, lights flashing. It takes the driver awhile before he stops the truck. The officer gets out of his car and comes to talk to the driver. Driver: ""Afternoon officer"" Officer: ""Do you know why I pulled you over?"" Driver: ""Yessir, I was speeding"" ""Oh?"", exclaims the officer, a bit surprised. ""And do you have a reason for speeding?"" Driver: ""Yessir. My wife left me this morning."" Officer: ""I'm sorry to hear that, but that doesn't count as a valid excuse for speeding sir."" Driver: ""Well, sir. She left me for a police officer. And I thought you were bringing her back.""   Edit: Spacing and wording" +22971,0,Why can't Donald Trump join a shinobi stealth clan? He never threats lightly +22972,1,"20 and 21 got into a fight. As it turns out, 21 was disqualified. 22." +22973,2,"Bill Gates Went To A Restaurant And Paid A $2 Tip, The Waiter Remarked: ""Your son gave $100, but you're only giving $2?"" Bill Gates: ""He's the son of a billionaire, I'm the son of a farmer.""" +22974,0,Why is it they give you two airpods... When there is only one asshole. +22975,1,"There is a two drunk man walking in the street They saw a shit in their way. Ben: Joe, watch out! you will step on it! Joe: Come on dude, That's not shit. look closely. Ben: Fuck dude, its really shit. Joe: hmm. just to be sure, let's taste it. They tasted the shit. Ben: dude, its really a shit. good thing we didn't step on it." +22976,1,I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers... But I just Kant. +22977,3,When does a joke becomes a « dad joke »? When it becomes apparent +22978,3,I have a friend who has a fetish on almonds. He's fucking nuts. +22979,0,"My name is Youben, I'm 12 and I love sex. 'YOU WHAT?' 'Youben, with an Y'" +22980,2,"Not sure what to watch tonight.... American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC. " +22981,5,"Little Johnny comes home from school And tells his father: -Dad, today I got 4 F's at school Dad gets frustrated: -Why, what have you done, what subjects? J: English, Maths, PE and Religion. D: OK, how did you get an F in English class? J: Teacher said: Mary loves John. Mary loves Allan. Mary loves Mark. And asked me: What is Mary in these sentences. D: Mary is a fucking whore. J: That is what I said, so I got an F. D: Wow, and what about Maths? J: Teacher asked me what is 3+2. I said 5 and then she asked me what is 2+3. D: Same shit. J: That is exactly what I said. D: Well, OK, and what about PE? J: Teacher told us to raise our hands, so I did. Then told us to lift our left leg, so I did. And then he told us to lift our right leg. D: What are you then supposed to stand on, your dick!? J: Yeah, I told same thing and got an F. D: Huh, and Religion? J: Teacher told us that God is present everywhere around us, so I asked her if the God is present in our neighbour's cellar and she said that God is present even there. D: Yeah, my ass, our neighbour doesn't even have a cellar. J: That's what I said. " +22982,0,What do you get when you cross an asian with a mexican? A car thief that can't drive! +22983,1,"So, Mr. Sean Connery, it is true that you're proud of your hobby of carpentry? ""Yeah, I love talking about myshelf""" +22984,2,"America Wants You! In Soviet Russia, you want America." +22985,0,"George and Dave were in a computer store, arguing about who's dick was the biggest. Dave said ""My dick can reach from 'M' to 'Q'."" ""Oh yea?"" George retorted, ""My dick can reach from 'A' to 'Z'."" Dave replied ""Look at your keyboard."" The manager then said ""Hi, Dave!""" +22986,2,"Officer, if you are what you eat Then I'm an innocent man!" +22987,0,Why was 3 afraid of 4? Because 4 was a normal threeposter +22988,1,What did the Soviets call the spread of communism? Manifesto destiny +22989,2,What do fish smoke? Sea weed +22990,1,People keep telling me my hubris will be my downfall Luckily I know I’m wise enough for hubris not to effect me. +22991,0,"Jeff Dunham Jeff: ""What makes you happy?"" Walter: ""My wedding video."" Jeff: ""Your wedding video, I thought you hated that video."" Walter: ""Not when I watch it in rewind.""" +22992,0,"Mummy, Mummy Mummy, Mummy, Is it true you can take baby-sitter girls to bits ? Why do you say that Darling ? Because I just heard Daddy tell our next-door neighbour that he's screwed the ass off ours." +22993,3,"I still don't know why people think Donald Trump's wall would never work. China did it, and they barely have any Mexicans" +22994,0,An L.E.D walks up to a light bulb.. And says you know I could teach you how to have a longer shelf life and to be more energy efficient. The light bulb desperately asks how in disbelief. Then the L.E.D says don't worry I'll led the way. +22995,3,"There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession: 1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go. 2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands. 3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction. Many people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage. And then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it. Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed. As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle. And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?""" +22996,1,How are third party candidates like soccer? They're only really popular in America once every four years. +22997,2,I cannot take my new pet cat seriously She's always kitten around +22998,0,"A bartender friend of mine was complaining about work AGAIN! I told him, ""Oh, just quit your wine-ing!""" +22999,0,"Three men get ship wrecked on a desert island - one Chinese, one Pakistani and one American... After they’ve been sitting there for twenty minutes or so in silence the Chinese man decides to say something. “Look, it seems we’re going to be here for a while, so why don’t we get to know each other a bit eh? I’ll start... my name is Eric Cho, I’m a small business owner with a wife and a son and I’m a practicing Buddhist. Eric then motions to the Pakistani man to follow suite. “Ok then, hi, my names Amed Hussain, I’m a student currently training to be a dentist and I’m a practicing Muslim.” The two men then look over at their American companion expectantly. “...ok fine. My names Hal Lawson - and that’s Hal short for Harold. I’m retired, married with three grown kids and I’m an atheist. Is that good enough?” The others seem satisfied. After a while the three men begin to get hungry and Eric, the Chinese man, opts to go look for some food. After an hour or so of looking he returns with an armful of bananas and coconuts. As he’s nearing his companions camp he looks in horror as he sees Amed cooking Hal’s spit roasted torso over a fire pit, while enthusiastically taking a bite out of his severed arm. “What the hell are you doing?!”, screams Eric. Amed looks up and waves at him. “It’s ok Eric... it’s Hal L!”" +23000,1,"An idiot and a guy with leprosy are in a jail cell They are sentenced there for the rest of their lives, and all they have is a window with bars on it. On the first week the leprous guy's arm rots away, and he throws it out from the window. On the second week, his other arm rots away, and he asks the idiot to throw with out. This goes on for weeks until the only thing which remains from the guy is his torso and stomach. Then the idiot turns to him and nervously asks: Are you escaping?!" +23001,4,"A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks. “Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers. ​ “And did he make me too?” she asks next. ​ “Of course he did,” the old man answers again. ​ “Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”" +23002,4,"I got chatting with a girl in a bar.... ""Can I buy you a drink?"" I asked. ""Have you not got a girlfriend?"" she replied, ""Guys like you always have girlfriends."" ""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,"" I assured her. ""Oh I'm sorry to hear that!"" she said, ""Go on then, I'll have a white wine please. A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, ""So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"" I said, ""My wife found out!""" +23003,1,"A guy walks into a radio store. He then says, ""god, there are so many stereo-types.""" +23004,0,Pi to i *Can't you just be rational?* i to pi *Get real.* +23005,2,Anthropologists found a group of people whose religion forbids them from being angry They're called the Nomads +23006,1,"I went to the opticians today, you'll never guess who I bumped into. Everybody" +23007,0,I was born via C-section... Now whenever I leave my house I go through the window. +23008,0,"I used to be addicted to soap. Not anymore. People have been saying I smell kinda weird, but whatever..." +23009,1,Girls in Bangkok are like a box of chocolates... you never know which one has nuts !!! +23010,2,How do you keep millions of idiots in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. +23011,2,"God allows animals to ask him one question... The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck? God: to be able to get the finest leaves. The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick? God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies. The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller." +23012,1,Why do all black men have nightmares? The one with a dream was shot. +23013,1,I like my women like I like my coffee... Way too hot for me and locked in my basement. +23014,2,What do you call an old joke that still really funny? Historical +23015,2,How many egocentric people does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. They put the light bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them. +23016,2,"I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age and I'm like ""man, you must have *no* pride""" +23017,1,My sister got pregnant in Korea. I asked her how it happened. She told me: *Ganbang Style* +23018,0,"Honey, Guess who won the lottery? " +23019,0,"Alan Rickman made it to the pearly gates greeted by St Peter. St Peter asked, ""Alan Rickman, our new... celebrity. Tell me Mr Rickman what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"" Alan Rickman raised an eyebrow asked, ""I didn't think you would be a fan."" ""Oh yes,"" said St Peter, ""Truth be told you were supposed to be here ten years ago, but I intervened because I felt you should be in the series to the end. But that's not the most important reason why we kept you on earth."" ""What was it?"" asked Alan Rickman. St Peter explained, ""We heard if you died your replacement was going to be Russel Brand."" " +23020,4,"The school phoned me today and said, ""Your son's been telling lies."" I replied, ""Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't even got any kids!"" " +23021,0,"Danplan reference: Person 1- ""I finally got over my fear of ghosts!"" Person 2- ""Ayy that's the spirit!"" Person 1- ""AH! SHIT WHERE!""" +23022,1,"If Hilary and Trump are stranded on a raft in the ocean, who survives? America. America survives." +23023,1,Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower? Because they're the largest re-tail-er +23024,0,"Two guys are talking at work. “Hey, did you know I changed my religion? I follow Judaism now.” “No way” “YHWH”" +23025,0,"When I was in a store, I saw an anti-vax mom But I didn't know she was a mom at that moment" +23026,0,What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Where the carrot goes +23027,2,"I had an interviewer at a company called Transparency, but I didn't get the job. Apparently I didn't speak clearly enough." +23028,0,"I'm a musician, and my friends complain that I just always play so far away. I can't help that it's my favorite Staind song." +23029,4,"Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod." +23030,0,I can feel it.. collins in the air tonight.. +23031,2,"A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs. He says to the bartender, ""ello mate, can I get a pint of bitter?"" The bartender says ""sure thing, but why is there a steering wheel between your legs?"" The man says ""No idea mate, but its driving me nuts.""" +23032,0,"Another parrot joke... A burglar surveys a road and sees a house that looks quite easy to enter. On the entrance a warning: ""Beware with the Parrot"". The burglar chuckles, opens a window and gets to the house. As he goes on picking up jewelry, iPads, etc. he hears a growl. Turns back and sees a gigantic dog, red eyes, snarling, drooling, ready to kill. He sees is life pass by his eyes in flashback. The dog growls. He shits his pants. The dog growls. He then realizes that the dog just stays there but doesn't attack. Slowly, he picks is sack and begins walking back to the window, eyes on the dog. And then he hears the parrot: ""Kill Rex, kill. Attack, NOW""...." +23033,2,Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots. +23034,0,Did you know every 60 seconds in Africa A minute passes +23035,4,"We're doing married golfer jokes now? One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. ""What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."" He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific ""Whack""! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly. Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. The man is about to punch his ball back to the fairway so he can have a clear shot at the green when his friend makes a suggestion. ""What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."" The man replies, ""No. I already tried that once and it ended up horribly."" ""What happened?,"" his friend asked. ""I got a double bogey on this hole."" >A man and his buddies are about to tee off on the first hole, which happens to be near a street, when a funeral procession starts to drive by. The man steps back from his address, takes off his hat, puts it across his heart and watches silently as every car drives by and out of sight. >One of his buddies, truly inspired, remarked, ""Wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen."" >The man started to address the ball again before saying, ""It was the least I could do. We were married for 35 years after all."" One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. ""What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."" He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific ""Whack""! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, knocking her out. Later at the hospital, the doctor talks to the man about his wife's status. ""She's in stable condition for now. The swelling in her brain has stopped, and it looks like she will make a full recovery. However, upon her physical examination, we were surprised to find a golf ball in your wife's rectum. Do you have any idea how that may have gotten there?"" ""Oh!"" says the husband, ""That was my mulligan"" >A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. >“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.” >“We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. >""I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.” >“What did you do?” asks the doctor. >“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'”" +23036,3,"You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom? European" +23037,0,What did the tree say to the lumberjack? Please leaf me alone.... +23038,0,"Who’s guilty here? A wife is dreaming in bed when suddenly she awakens and shouts out, ""Quick! My husband is home!"" That's when her husband awakens and quickly jumps out of the window." +23039,1,Not even 1% get this joke... the other 99% of world population does not even read it. +23040,0,What's the hardest part of being an abolitionist? Apparently keeping it to yourself. +23041,2,"I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?” Well, the answer is twofold..." +23042,2,I tried committing suicide today... Never doing that shit again. I almost died. +23043,0,"My gf said she is going to leave me because of my obsession with the monkeys... I didn't believe her at first, But then i saw her face and now im a believer." +23044,4,A plateau is the highest form of flattery I'm sorry +23045,0,It's weird watching reruns of The Flintstones nowadays... with their stone age drive-in movies and their caveman bowling... it just seems so... dated. +23046,5,"A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion. The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says ""these frogs are on special.' ""Why would I want a frog"" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says ""this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs....nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. ""Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"" " +23047,0,How do you know if a ghost is flat? Spirit level +23048,3,Are you soup? Because you're hot and I wanna blow you +23049,2,Did you hear about the firework and the battery who got in a fight the other night? Apparently one was charged but the other one was let off.. +23050,4,I once was asked to star in a movie for a million dollars but I declined. I don't have that much money. +23051,0,A physicist tells me that someone with one clock knows what time it is. But someone with two clocks is never sure. +23052,2,"The frustrated boss asked his employee, ""Are you stupid or just apathetic‽"" He replied, ""I don't know, and I don't care!""" +23053,1,How can you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized +23054,0,"A boss is having a talk at work with an employee The boss states, “You haven’t been performing well lately.” The employee states, “I’ll try harder next time, boss.” Three weeks later, the employee was fired. This was her 17th job in 20 years. Who was the employee? Barbie. Barbie isn’t a good role model, kids" +23055,1,"A guy goes to a restaurant He sees the lady beside him really enjoys his food, and tells the waiter: ""I'll take what she's having"" The waiter replies: ""I'm sorry sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants that for herself""." +23056,0,How do you call a clown's breast implants that are pointy instead of round? Silly cones. +23057,0,How can you tell Jesus is coming? He's jerking through the hole in his hand. +23058,2,"I debated whether or not to post a joke about the recent ""what word is being said?"" meme But I've never been one to rest on my yanny's." +23059,3,"The coma patient A husband and wife get in a car accident. The husband's okay other than some scrapes and bruises, but wife falls into a coma. For weeks the husband sits by her side in the hospital. One night, though he feels bad about it, he starts getting horny, and he reaches over, slides his hand under her gown, runs his hand slowly up her thigh, but pulls it back suddenly when he notices that the beeping heart monitor picked up pace. The next day he takes the doctor aside and tells him what happened. ""Interesting,"" the doctor says, ""She's responding. Maybe you could try it some more tonight? Maybe try some oral sex?"" The husband still thinks it's a little wrong, but agrees to try it anyway. That night, a code blue rings out in the halls. The nurses rush in to revive the flat-lining wife. The husband stands outside, stunned, when the doctor pulls him aside and asks ""What happened? Did you try the oral sex?"" ""Yes,"" says the husband, blankly. ""Well, what happened?"" the doctor asks. The husband answers, ""Well... she just started choking.""" +23060,3,Jesus loves you... A great thing to hear in church. A horrible thing to hear in prison. +23061,2,"Why should you never wear Ukranian underwear? Chernobyl Fallout. An elderly friend told me this joke, just thought I'd traumatise people with it too." +23062,0,What do we Have That Ireland Doesn't Have Our Land +23063,0,Why does Chinese food take so long to cook? Because it's a lot of wok. +23064,4,"Putin's top official comes to him after the election... ""You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?"" The officer said overjoyed. Putin stared at him. ""Their names.""" +23065,3,"This was deemed ""pretty bad"" by my friends... I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me. Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB. ""Calculus is a very rigorous subject,"" the counselor advised, ""You need to take Precalculus first."" ""Well I heard Precalculus is mostly review from Algebra 2,"" Simon reasoned, ""I believe I can handle the difficulties at my skill level."" The counselor saw that Simon was adamant and would not take no for an answer, so he complied with a sigh. When the school year started, Simon went to class thinking he must be the youngest student there, and he was pretty smug about it. All went well until the second week, things started to fall apart... The teacher, Mr. Wong (yes ik that sounds like Mr. Kuang) started going into derivatives. Simon realized that he was struggling to understand the lessons! However his pride made him keep everything to himself. Simon thought eventually things will move on. By the chapter test, Simon was panicking. The test is worth 15% of his grade, yet he doesn't understand a single concept! As you probably guessed, Simon got a 17% on the test. Crying, he went back to his counselor and begged to be moved back to Precalculus. His counselor shook his head and sighed, ""You should have known your limits.""" +23066,0,Have you ever heard a good deaf joke? Me neither +23067,1,Girls complain about having large boobs and how they get in the way. I can relate... But I'm a guy. +23068,0,What are cats' natural predators? Cars. +23069,0,"A policeman pulls over a car on I-90. When he walks up to the car, getting ready to ask why they were going 95 m.p.h. in a 55 area, he is surprised to see a nearly 80 year old woman at the wheel, with two more old ladies in the back, shaking with wide eyes. “Do you know how fast you were going?” He asks. “Well, officer, I do believe I was going around the speed limit.” ‘They can’t be serious,’ he thinks. “Ma’am, you’re on I-90, but the speed limit is 55...” “Oh! I’m so sorry,” she says shakily. During the whole conversation, the two ladies in the back are still shaking. He peeks into the back and says, “Everything ok back there?” “Oh yes, but we just got off 140...”" +23070,1,"How many soldiers do you need the defend Prague? We don't know, as nobody ever tried." +23071,0,"What store do you go to, for a good picture of the moon? The photoshop." +23072,0,LPT: If a man has candy. There's probably more in his van. +23073,3,"Crying Irish Woman In Church And the Priest says, ""Mary, why are ye cryin'?"" Mary: ""ah jesus Father me husband died last night!"" Priest: ""Oh God Bless us and all Harm, did he have any last requests?"" Mary: ""aye....MARY PUT THE FUCKIN GUN DOWN!""" +23074,0,"I saw a guy with a Confederate flag flying from his pickup. I went to kick him in the nuts, but barely missed. Kicked his sister right in the face though." +23075,0,I like my woman like I like my fine wine Ten years old and in my cellar +23076,0,Mean jokes are like children with cancer. They never grow old. +23077,0,"If my Grandpa had to walk 10 miles up hill to and from school in the snow when he was my age. Either global warming is real, or Grandpa is old as *fuck*." +23078,0,Help Wanted: Eucalyptus taste tester. Koalafications preferred. +23079,0,Winter is coming The snow is just one mighty fat nut +23080,2,"Two condoms walk into a gay bar One says ""hey, let's go get shitfaced"" " +23081,2,"One day, at the zoo... Little Johnny and his mother go to visit the zoo. They visit the Reptile House, Monkey Island, Chimpanzee Forest, and the Avian Habitat. As they're walking toward the exit, they pass the Elephant Sanctuary. Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, ""Mommy, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"" The mother replies, ""That's the elephant's trunk, dear."" Johnny points again and says, ""No, that OTHER thing!"" The mom's starting to get a little nervous, but she replies, ""Oh, that's the elephant's TAIL."" Somewhat frustrated, Little Johnny says, ""No - that OTHER thing, hanging down between the elephant's legs!"" Mom, in a hurry to get to the car before rush hour (and, just a little embarrassed and not wanting to get into an anatomy lesson), says, ""Oh, that's nothing."" The next day, she has to work and the dad has the day off. She tells him that they ran out of time at the zoo, and there was still a lot more for Little Johnny to see, so Dad takes him back to the zoo. They visit the Komodo dragons, the Zebras, the Lions and Tigers and Bears (oh, my). Finally, they walk by the Elephant Sanctuary. Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, ""Daddy, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"" The father replies, ""That's the elephant's trunk, bud."" Johnny points again and says, ""No, that OTHER thing!"" Dad, not quite sure what Johnny is pointing to, replies, ""Oh, that's the elephant's TAIL."" Somewhat frustrated, Little Johnny says, ""No - that OTHER thing, hanging down between the elephant's legs!"" The dad says, ""Did you and mommy visit here yesterday?"" ""Yes, daddy."" ""Did you ask your mommy what it was?"" ""Yes, daddy."" ""And what did she say?"" ""She said it was nothing."" ""Ah,"" the dad replies. ""Your mother's spoiled.""" +23082,0,"Does typical Jewish humor exist? And if yes, why not?" +23083,0,What is the favorite smartphone brand of Pablo Escobar? An Archos. +23084,3,Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself. +23085,0,My invisible coffee table isn't working. It's made of cedar wood. +23086,0,"Rest in pace boiling water... You have always been missed. Cordially, people from Africa." +23087,2,"Mom, where do tampons go? ""Where the babies come from, darling."" ""In a stork???!!!"" " +23088,2,"If you're holding a bee, what's in your eye? Beauty, everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the bee holder." +23089,8,"During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly ""Nervous?"" asked the interviewer, I simply replied ""No I always give 110%""" +23090,1,"A man was trying to get a girl to like him for a very long time... Finally, he asked her out one night and the girl said yes. They went on a first date, and then a second, and a third, untill the girl finally invited the man over to her house to eat dinner. The man was very excited. After all this time, he finally was going to be able to bang the girl. At the specified time, the man knocked at her door, she opened it, he handed her some flowers and walked in. They sat down at the dinner table and began to talk and eat. After a while, the man felt a desire to take a shit. He couldn't shit in her house because then she would kick his unpolite ass out, and his chance to bang would be gone, so he had to hold it in. They talked and talked and the desire became more burning and irresistable. But then, the power went out. They lit some dim candles, and the girl went off to find more wine. The man looks around the house, and sees a dog. He decides to shit on the floor and frame the pet. So he does. After relieving himself, he quickly sits back in his chair and waits for the girl. The girl walks in and smells something odd. She starts looking for the source of the smell and then the power comes back. Then she stops and says: ""Babe, theres shit on the floor"". He says :""Probably the dog did it"". He turns around and realizes that the dog is a stuffed animal." +23091,0,My GF broke with me today. She says I'm obsessed with social media. You can follow me on Twitter to see her rating. +23092,0,Studies have shown that diabetics who don't correctly manage their condition get shorter over their lifetime. They lose about a foot. +23093,0,"VEGETABLES, VEGETABLES. GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE! Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes labeled as vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks ""Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"" the man says to her: ""well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions, tomatoes, or potatoes. the woman then says ""oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please"" the man says ""miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions, potatoes, or tomatoes."" the lady then says ""oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please."" the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says ""Ma'm, you are not listening to me. We don't have any of those. the woman confused says ""well...if you don't have those, which vegetables do you have?"" ""We have a Vietnam veteran, a Holocaust Survivor, and a mentally challenged kid.""" +23094,3,"If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me... Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars. (Bonus points if you know where this is from.)" +23095,0,what is obamas last name? OSAMA ! xDD LOL +23096,4,You know what's better than Tennessee? Elevennessee. +23097,0,A lot of people say the iPhone before the 7 was better... I guess it was more 6S-ful. +23098,0,A blonde poured a glass of orange juice and stared at it for 30mins It said concentrate on the carton. +23099,1,I like my women the way I like my coffee Sent back for not being hot enough. +23100,0,"When people ask me what I’m going to do in a month, I say I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision." +23101,1,"When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Well, nobody is laughing now." +23102,1,Why was the computer stressed after work? Because it had a hard drive. +23103,3,I just saw a play about a man with a broken leg... the cast was terrible. +23104,2,Your mom has one eye and one leg We call her Eye Hop. +23105,2,"There's this really shy guy who never leaves his room. Although he is desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he's terribly self- conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye. Finally, his best friend says, ""Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you've simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the dance on Saturday."" With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him sitting on the benches in the high school gym while his friend dances away, until he notices a woman on the other side of the room. She's not beautiful - in fact she has a harelip - and he screws up his courage to approach her. ""Would you like to dance?"" he asks. Her face lighting up, she cries, ""Would I? Would I?"" ""Harelip! Harelip!"" he shouts back." +23106,0,I recently joined a nudist yoga class The first week was the hardest +23107,1,A baby seal walks into a club.... ba dum bump - ting.... +23108,0,"Death Row The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day. As he stands before the firing squad he says, ""Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."" The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead. The inmate starts, ""One billion bottles of beer on the wall... .""" +23109,3,"Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, ""It could have been worse."" To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, ""Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"" ""That`s awful,"" said Frank, ""But it could have been worse."" ""How in the hell,"" asked his bewildered friend, ""could it have been worse?"" ""Well,"" replied Frank, ""If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!""" +23110,1,What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto +23111,1,"The only thing worse than the freshman 15... ...Is the freshman 9 lbs., 3 oz." +23112,1,"A knock knock set-up joke my 5 year old and I made up This joke is specifically to be used on young kids. **YOU:** Knock knock **MARK:** Who's there? **YOU:** A scary dinosaur pirate. **MARK:** ..A scary.. dinosaur.. (usually stumbling on the words, trying to remember exact wording) **YOU:** (interrupting) RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!...MATEY! For maximum effect yell the RAAAAAR super loud and aggressive and the MATEY in a super jovial gravelly pirate voice. WARNING, side effects of maximum effect delivery may include: laughing, crying, peeing, pooping, running away and or attempting to fight you to the death (don't worry, that's why we picked young kids - easy opponents). " +23113,4,What kind of tissues do mathematicians like? Multi-ply +23114,1,What does Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last greatest hit was The Wall. +23115,1,I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision… …it was a total rip-off! +23116,1,Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies? The ruler. +23117,2,Why did the mexican man throw his wife off a bridge? He wanted tequila. +23118,0,My university just announced a Computer Science exchange program with an Indonesian university I'm really excited for the courses in Java +23119,1,"Condoms were invented in Afghanistan At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin. Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat. " +23120,5,"Shooting tips A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. ""Could you give me some tips?"" he asked. The old man said, ""Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."" ""Will that make me a better gunfighter?"" ""Sure will."" The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ""That's terrific!"" exclaimed the cowboy. ""Got any more tips?"" ""Yep,"" said the old man. ""Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."" ""Will that make me a better gunfighter?"" asked the young man. ""You bet it will,"" said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. ""Wow!"" said the cowboy excitedly, ""I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ""See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."" The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ""No,"" said the old-timer, ""I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."" ""Will that make me a better gunfighter?"" asked the puzzled young man. ""No,"" said the old-timer, ""but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.""" +23121,1,Females don't know the pain of trying to hide an unwanted boner... It's hard. +23122,1,"Can a match box? I don't know, but a tin can." +23123,0,"A burglar enters someone's home A burglar enters someone's home, and as he is looking around the living room he suddenly hears a voice saying 'Jesus sees you'. Startled, he looks around but he sees nobody. Reassuring himself that he didn't actually hear anything, he goes on about his business. After a while, he hears the voice again saying 'jesus sees you and he will punish you'. The burglar looks up to see it's a parrot talking to him. The parrot looks down at him and sais ""my name is Moses"". The burglar laughs at the parrot and asks him ""who would name their parrot Moses?"" The parrot replies: ""the same people that named their dobermann Jesus""." +23124,0,"There's a new Muslim girl at the office who has been hitting on me, and she keeps trying to get me to go with her to her Shia Islam church, even though I am not religious. I eventually caved in and we exchanged numbers. I mean, she's not the hottest, but shiite." +23125,0,"George Clooney opened an animation studio... ...his first cartoon was called ""The Clooney Toons""" +23126,0,i am fat +23127,0,"I like to steal other peoples' Viagra... It's a real dick move, I know." +23128,1,Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face. +23129,3,"He saw your panties, Emma Emma: Lita, Harris gave me 50$ for climbing that tree, again. Lita: You idiot. That pervert saw your panties just like the other time. Emma: I'd never let him do that. That's why I didn't wear any panties this time." +23130,2,"Stalin was giving a speech Stalin was giving a speech in front of an audience and during his speech someone kept sneezing. Annoyed by this, he asked the first row “Who’s sneezing? Nobody came forward and he executed the entire first row. Then he asked the second row “Who’s sneezing?” Nobody came forward and he executed the entire second row. Then he asked the third row “Who’s sneezing?” “Me” one man replied Stalin: “Bless you”" +23131,0,"Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy? ""Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent.""" +23132,4,"A rich guy and a poor guy are discussing what to get for their wives' birthdays. Rich guy: I am going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring. Poor guy: But why? Rich: Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jewelers in the Porsche and exchange it. What are you going to get YOUR wife by the way? Poor: I am going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo. Rich: But why? Poor: If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself. " +23133,0,"A man cheats on his wife Lorraine with a girl called Clearly Suddenly Lorraine dies. At her funeral the man stood up and sang ""I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone..."" Edit: Claire-Lee sounds much better. Please don't tell people the name Clearly." +23134,1,It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year! It took doctors 6 hours to get it back out again. +23135,1,"I started a job today at the local cemetery... The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. The textbook definition of a hippie. He was even smoking a joint with another one tucked behind hid ear for later on. I asked where the backhoe was and he said ""We don't use those machines. They aren't cool man. They pollute and it ain't good for mother nature. None of the dead can't rest in peace with these machine polluting the air and the ground."" He then went on a 30 minute rant about the corporations who make backhoes and how they pollute and hide their money from the IRS and how they don't like hippies. He then handed me a shovel and said, ""You Dig?""" +23136,5,I was dating a girl with a lazy eye. Had to dump her tho. She was seeing someone on the side. +23137,4,What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife? Nothing – he was Gladiator +23138,1,You can't tell testicles and ovaries apart? ...there's a vas deferens. +23139,3,"An Irishman, an American, a Mexican and an Arab board a plane with two suitcases each Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that the plane is rapidly losing altitude and that they must throw a suitcase each to lose weight. The Irishman opens his suitcases: one has bombs and old IRA memorabilia inside, the other is filled with cans of Guinness for the trip. ""There's too many of them in my country"" he says before throwing out the bombs. The Mexican opens his suitcases: one has dimebags of drugs inside, the other is filled with spicy food for the trip. ""There's too many of them in my country"" he says before throwing out the dimebags. The Arab opens his suitcases: one has barrels of oil inside, the other is filled with copies of the Koran and prayerbooks for the trip. ""There's too many of them in my country"" he says before throwing out the barrels of oil. The American opens his suitcases: one has guns and NRA leaflets inside, the other is filled with cash to count during the trip. ""There's too many of them in my country"" he says before throwing the three illegal immigrants off the plane. " +23140,3,What fitness plan did Jesus manage to stick to? Crossfit +23141,0,Why aren't antioxidants just called. . . . . . orients? +23142,0,What did the Welsh farmer say to the sheep? Your butt's about to get slaughtered +23143,0,"A Home Affair My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”" +23144,0,What's the cheapest medicine? penny-cillin +23145,0,"What are the best ""Walk into a bar"" jokes? Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says ""10 cent Martinis"" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says ""That will be 20 cents."" The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him ""How can you afford to do this?"" The bartender responds, ""I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery."" One of the patrons responded, ""That's great, congratulations."" Just then, the other customer notices that there are three guys at the end of the bar with no drinks in front of them. He asks, ""How come those guys aren't drinking?"" The bartender says, ""Oh, they are retirees from the Midwest. They are waiting for Happy Hour to start.""" +23146,2,What do you call a rooster looking at a piece of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad +23147,1,"An alcoholic, a womanizer and a pot head die and go to hell. Satan has a room of punishment for each one. Satan meets the alcoholic and opens his torment room full of alcohol. After a 100 years he opens the room and the alcoholic runs out screaming that he is sober. Satan shows the room to the womanizer full of naked women and casts him in. After a 100 years he opens the room and the womanizer runs out screaming that he is gay. Satan opens the door for the pot head to show him a room full of weed. A hundred years pass and Satan opens the door. The pot head is crouched in the fetal position crying his ass off. Satan asks the pot head what is wrong? The pot pot head answers ""all this weed and no lighter"" " +23148,2,"*I* actually went through with a threesome. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time." +23149,0,"What's a nanny's favorite letter? I don't know, but it's not E." +23150,0,[NO CRIME WITHOUT A MOTIVE] But what made seven eat nine? Seven knew that nine would carry the next one to a new level. +23151,0,"Trucker A trucker sees a hippie trying to hitchhike, so he stops and picks the hippie up. The hippie, having long hair and floral clothing asks the trucker: aren't you gonna ask me if I'm a boy or a girl? The trucker says: it dont matter I'm gone fuck ya anyway" +23152,1,Why do people choose to become bakers? Because they knead the dough. +23153,1,What did the female strawberry say to the male strawberry If you hadn't of gotten so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam... +23154,0,"JK Rowling , author of the Harry Potter series has died this morning of a heart attack Jk" +23155,2,"Indian who remembers everything A man was driving on his way to a business meeting amd had free time. He seen a billboard that said ""Indian who remembers everything. Take next right."" The man decides to a pulls up. He sees and old Indian man sitting in front of a camper in a lawn chair. He walks up to him ""how"" and raises his hand The Indian rolls his eyes and said ""what would you like to know?"" ""What did I have for breakfast ten years ago?"" ""That's easy. Eggs."" ""No, anyone could have guessed this. This is bull."" And the man drove off. Ten years later he's driving by and sees the sign. He can't believe the old man is still alive. He pulls up and walks over. ""How"" ""Scrambled.""" +23156,0,A lot more Muslims have been joining police departments... That way you can kill all the Americans you like and it's not such a sacrifice. +23157,1,"An elderly childless couple visits the doctor... And tell him that they would like to conceive a child. The doctor tells them that it's unlikely they will be capable of having a child, but will help them the best he can. He gives the old man a jar and tells him, ""Go home and give it a try with this, come back when you have a sample."" The next week, the couple returns, empty jar in hand. The old man tells the doctor, ""Doc, I tried the best I could, but it just wouldn't work."" The doctor reassuringly remarks to the man, ""Try with your left hand, try with your right hand, maybe have your wife give it a shot too."" A week later, the couple returns with a still empty jar. The old man hands it back to the doctor and remarks, ""Sir, I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, and I even had my wife try. We've come to the conclusion that we'll need you to help us do this."" Before the doctor could even remark, the old lady turns and says, ""Can you open the jar for us?"" Not original author, read it in a magazine years ago and haven't seen it posted." +23158,3,I got my friend an elephant This year I bought my friend an elephant for their room. He said “thanks” i said “don’t mention it” +23159,3,I love being a mosquito... People always clap when I'm around! +23160,4,Why did Antman stop talking when he joined the x men?? He became a mute ant. +23161,1,What's the best time for sex? Business time +23162,1,"What did Yoda say to Luke when he was constipated? Try or try not, there is no do." +23163,0,I put I was related to Spiderman on my resume when applying for a valet position. I told them they call me Pro Parker. +23164,1,"Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds, Poor bastard." +23165,1,Do you know why sharks don't eat clowns? They taste funny. +23166,1,Stopped for a beer on my way home from work... Stopped for a beer on the way home and overheard this interaction Female bartender: It's funny that you call it a squirt bottle instead of a spray bottle Male bartender: Well all bottles can squirt... They just have to be comfortable with themselves... +23167,5,"I like my women like I like my toaster, Turned on and in the tub with me. " +23168,0,My name is Moe Moe Lester. +23169,2,"What did the clown say after having a few drinks? ""I'm feeling funny"" " +23170,2,"A man walks in on his wife, an English professor, having sex with his buddy. Honey! How could you! Well.. I'm surprised! She responds: *I'm* surprised. *you* are *astonished*." +23171,0,"An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were on dinner break, Englishman looks at his sandwiches and says not cheese again and throws them, Scotsman checks his oh no not ham again and throws them, Irishman just throws his, other guys say why have you thrown your sandwiches? Irishman says. I made them myself." +23172,1,What do you call that red stain around a shark's mouth? Residude. +23173,3,"I got a letter from my Homeowners Associations too It just said ""People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies.""" +23174,1,"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, the other is lighter." +23175,2,Where does Princess Zelda find her heroes? Linkedin. +23176,2,My wife just tried to cut off my penis. Luckily she missed and the cops just charged her with a misdewiener. +23177,0,"What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, ""Once upon a time,"" black begins, ""Y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!""" +23178,2,I want to study... the area below your curves... It is integral. +23179,0,What’s black and white and read all over? Reddit dark theme +23180,1,TIFU by rubbing yeast infection cream on my face whoops wrong scrub +23181,2,What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can? Stopping it with a shovel +23182,1,"Three men and a wizard are on a roof..... The wizard says if they jump off and say something they will land on that. The first guy goes and yells, ""pillows!"" And lands on some pillows. The next guy goes and yells ""mattresses!"" And lands on some mattresses. The next guy goes to jump and trips and falls and says ""Oh Crap!""" +23183,0,"[Long] As they rented a camel for a desert ride two men were given a pair of bricks to help the camel drink... They asked how the bricks worked and the rental agent explained. ""One of you holds the camel's mouth to the water. If he does not start drinking then the other one takes the two bricks and claps them together on the camel's balls. He'll suck up some water and continue to drink until he is full. One of the men asked ""Doesn't that hurt?"" to which the rental agent replied ""Only if you get your thumbs caught between the bricks."" The men went about their day and finally came upon an oasis. Harry put the camel's mouth to the water but it didn't drink so George grabbed the bricks and clapped them on the camel's nuts. The camel immediately shit a load onto George's face. George yells out ""Lift his head Harry, he's kicking mud!""" +23184,3,Back when I was a Scooby Doo villain I had an allotment.... Every time I went to tend to my vegetables I would find them covered in thin sheets of aluminium. Those pesky kids were always foiling my plot. (I'm sorry) +23185,0,"Roses are blue, Violets are red, This is where my English career is dead" +23186,1,Did you hear about the Mexican serial killer? I heard he had a loco-motive +23187,0,"A Coast Guard patrol intercepts a sinking vessel smuggling illegally spicy peppers. ""Help!"" says the smuggler... ""I'm capsaicin!""" +23188,1,What did the farmer say when he lost his cow? Where’s my cow? +23189,0,"Jesus died and went to heaven Jesus died, went to heaven and was very interested in seeing his father. At the gates St. Peter told him that his father was an old bearded man and that he liked to walk around in the clouds. Jesus went looking for his father and after a while he ran into an old man that fit the description St. Peter gave him. The old man was clearly also looking for something. ""What are you looking for?"", Jesus asked. ""I'm looking for my boy"", the old man answered. ""It's easy to spot him, he has nail holes in his hands and feet."" ""Father! It is I, your son!"", Jesus exclaimed. The old man embraced Jesus with tears in his eyes and said in a voice trembling with emotion: ""Pinocchio, my dear son!"" " +23190,2,I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC] The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me. +23191,1,"A North Korean Defector A North Korean defector moves into an apartment in Chicago, and his new neighbor ask what was his apartment back home like. ""Oh it was perfect I couldn't complain "" the defector replies. ""What about your job"" ""Oh my old job was perfect,I couldn't complain"". ""And the food?"". ""Oh the food was perfect I couldn't complain "". ""So if everything was perfect in North Korea why did you move?"". The man says ""Here i can complain""." +23192,1,"Fetch me my red shirt! Pirate joke a young pirate captain faces his first battle and orders his first mate to get his redshirt. knowing how to follow orders he does so in speed, but can't help but wonder. another battle ensues and he gives the same order to fetch the red shirt. after the third battle, he can't help but ask ""but why the red shirt in battle?"" his reply was ""yar, tis a horrible site to see your leader bleed, or worse ye enemy to see you bleeding"" battles continued, and the first mate knew when it was time to fetch the shirt before any big fight. but then the day came... 10 warships with nowhere to run. on that day he orders for his brown pants" +23193,2,What do you call a sith lord that doesn't pay his taxes? Darth Evader +23194,0,"In Saudi Arabia, the punishment for piracy is stoning It's not the most tolerant place to look for booty." +23195,3,How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. +23196,3,I thought I was having a lot of déjà vu moments Realised I was just on r/jokes +23197,0,"Can February March? No, but April May." +23198,0,What happened when the American broke his arm? He went broke. +23199,1,"One of my friends suggested that for one of my dishes, I should put rice in. Didn't realize what he really meant until he died." +23200,3,What's the difference between Cowboy hats and Tampons? Cowboy hats are for assholes. +23201,1,The girl wanted so badly to turn into a raw piece of fish sushi did +23202,2,"A worried blond woman asks her mum a question A worried blond woman asks her mum a question: > Mum, I know you went to France. Didn't you? Yes, dear. How did you find out? > And dad? Did he go to France? No dear. You know you're dad as a proud Englishman hates France. You can be sure he never went to France. ... Still I want to know how you found out that I went to France. … > Mum, I know you cheated on dead! Holy burning tea! DEAR, I never would cheat on your dad! What in the world makes you come to that conclusion? … With tears in her eyes the blond replies: > Mum. If dad never went to France, how come that on my brand new UK passport it's written in white on blue that I was “Made in France”" +23203,1,You know why my teacher is not popular anymore ? ...beats me .. +23204,5,What do you feed a gay horse? Hayyyy!!! +23205,2,"Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences. I find that harp to belive though. " +23206,2,"A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college... ...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast! He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd expect a midwest greasy spoon/truck stop-type restaraunt to look: red and white checkered plastic table cloths, napkin holders, cook wearing a stained white t-shirt, the whole works. A very old waitress greets him and asks him what he'd like to eat. The boy, already exhausted from driving all night, orders the eggs Benedict, a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee. After a little while, and after a couple cups of coffee, the boy's order is ready. The waitress brings out his meal on the fanciest china he had ever seen...real crystal for the OJ, polished silver. Taken aback, the boy asks the waitress ""thanks, but what is with the fancy place setting?"" The waitress smiles and reveals a missing tooth and replies, ""well you know, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"" p.s. I know it's an oldie...I heard this version on Car Talk years ago." +23207,1,What do you call a terrified snake? Hisss-panic +23208,2,"I'm writing a script for a show called ""Pun"". Pretty much, it's going to be a big Play on words. " +23209,1,Which musician drinks the most? ...the pianist. +23210,1,I bought a tiny chili pepper plant today. I wanted to spice up my apartment. +23211,0,What do you call a group of crows? The end of season 5. +23212,1,"Mary goes to the supermarket... Mary goes to the supermarket, needing eggs and bread. She is particularly fond of potato bread, but she can't reach it, as it is stocked on the top shelf. She sees a taller woman and asks for assistance. The other woman, happy to help, reaches up and grabs the potato bread and hands it to Mary. She thanks her, and the women are on their way. Mary then stops by to get some eggs and runs into the taller lady again. The taller lady introduces herself as Sherri, and says her knees are bad, and she can't reach down to get some eggs. Mary helps out and hands her some Grade AA eggs. They hit it off and find they have similar hobbies, and trade phone numbers. Mary goes home that day and talks about her new friend to her husband, Harry. Harry, being an enthusiast for yoga, suggests they should both join a yoga class. Mary thinks that sounds great, and the next day Mary and Sherri sign up for Yoga. Sherri also signed up her husband, Gary. They have a great time and the yoga class brings the ladies closer. They decide to take another class together, so they sign up for karate. Their master, Larry, reluctantly signed them on and gave them white belts, telling them they have much to learn. They spend a few months and make yellow belt. Frustrated with their slow progress, they decide to pursue another route. They decide to have a child at the same time. They both get pregnant and spend a few more months in the Karate class while they can, but there comes a point where they have to inform Larry that they must put their training on hold. Larry accepts, and states that they have grown much in the past months, and he would always be their karate master. There is an issue with Sherri's pregnancy, and she becomes weak. Sherri and Gary hire a maid, Terry, to keep the house clean and help Sherri with whatever she needs, as Gary is very busy with work and her friend Mary is dealing with her own pregnancy. Sherri and Mary both have their water break on the same day, and their husbands are both stuck in traffic. Mary panics, and calls Sherri, asking who can help them. Sherri informs them that they fired Terry because she was stealing, and all her other contacts are not answering. Mary gets an idea, and calls Larry. Larry was instructing a class, and when he got the call, he assured he would help. He told his class he had to go. The class asked, ""Why master? What is so urgent?"" Larry replied, ""my pupils are dilating.""" +23213,0,They should make a card game where you compete with your friends about who has the best picture of Donald Trump We could call it 'Top Trumps'. +23214,0,"My daughter told me there was a stupid ugly monster under her bed I was so proud of her so I yelled ""got heem!"" and told my son to switch bunks with her" +23215,9,"I found a wallet what do i do? I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, ""What would Jesus do?"" So I turned it into wine." +23216,2,"A woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ""Why is the last one so cheap?"" ""Because he used to live in a brothel"" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, a new brothel!"" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!""" +23217,0,What's the leading cause of weight gain in women? Marriage +23218,2,What does music have to do with road safety? C sharp or B flat +23219,2,So someone stole my mood ring I don’t know how I feel about that... +23220,4,Why are hurricanes named after women? When they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take you house and car. +23221,3,Old McDonald's had tourettes... ... E-I-E-I-Cunt +23222,5,"A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs a few feet, then stops, turns around and waves it’s paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight. The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says “Wow that is amazing, what is in that can” the man looks at the can and reads the label “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave”." +23223,1,"My sister asked me if I knew if a particular egg was bad... I told her I wouldn't know, since in not an Eggspert. She didn't get it." +23224,0,Turkish Minister of Family Affairs accuses Nederland for violation of human rights. I think that the Dutch's sole intention was to make the minister feel as close to home as possible. +23225,0,"What is the recipe for honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes" +23226,3,"I apologize for this ahead of time So there was this man who lived in Canada. He was bored of his work life, and it was Christmas time, so he decided to go on vacation, and he settled on Mexico. He went to Mexico, and after arriving to his hotel, he decided to ask the man behind the desk about tourist locations. The man told him about the location where people claimed to have seen the Chupacabra. He didn’t believe it, but after much convincing, he decided to go. He went there, and with his camera waited all day and night to try and find it. After much failure, he concluded that the Chupacabra was a myth. He forgot about it and decided to enjoy his vacation. Eventually he returned home, and went back to work. Finally, the summer came, and he decided he wanted to go on vacation again. Since it was summer, he decided on going to the himalayas. When he arrived, he asked someone about tourist locations, and the person suggested the location where the abominable snowman was last sighted. He felt ripped off by the Chupacabra one, but he decided to give it a try. So, putting on his gear, he hiked until he reached his location. He waited all day and night with his camera but didn’t find it. Thus, he concluded that the abominable snowman was also a myth. He enjoyed the rest of the vacation and eventually went back home, slightly disappointed. The rest of the year went by, and eventually it was summer again. He decided he was going to travel to Scotland. When he arrived to his hotel, he asked about tourist locations. The guy behind the desk told him to visit Loch Ness, because that is where the Loch Ness monster lived. The man was enraged. He was not about to get scammed again. He got angry at the man behind the desk, and so he stormed out of the hotel. He decided to ask random people about tourist locations, but every one of them suggested Loch Ness, so that he might find the Loch Ness monster. Feeling frustrated, he decided to give this one last try. He went to the Loch to prove once and for all that there was no such thing as the Loch Ness monster. He started swimming into the water, and swimming, and swimming, until he was far from shore. “See everyone, it’s a scam. It doesn’t exist!” He was feeling pleased with himself until he felt something grab his leg. He started feeling nervous. All of a sudden, he was pulled underwater. He panicked, but decided to turn and face whatever grabbed him. Lo an behold, it was the Loch Ness monster. “Oh no!” He thought. “This time I was myth-taken!”" +23227,1,What was the first thing michael jackson did when he loaded into a new minecraft world He punched a tree-ee +23228,1,"My toddler refused to get her PJs on because she was watching The Iron Lady, a biopic about Margaret Thatcher, along with our family. I said, ""Looks like we have a minor strike on our hands."" (A triple ententre for the win.)" +23229,0,Why are fat baseball pitchers superior? They have the best curves. +23230,3,"Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies. Scissors asks, ""What happened?"". Rocks replies, ""I think he folded""." +23231,3,"Pat and Mick were in the pub Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye. Pat: ""What happened you, Mick?"" Mick: ""I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a decks me! I was only trying to help!"" So next Monday comes around again and Mick walks into the bar again with another black eye. Pat: ""What happened this time Mick?"" Mick: ""I was in Mass again and Missus Mckennas dress was tucked in her bum again"" Pat: "" Awk Mick didnt you learn from last time?"" Mick: ""I did! But Rory saw it too so he pulled it out"" Pat: ""Well how did you end up with the black eye?"" Mick: ""Well I know how how she doesn't like it being pulled out so I shoved it back in again""" +23232,5,What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry +23233,3,"I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." +23234,1,I like my women like I like my coffee K Cups +23235,4,Why is Uber so weak? Because they don't even Lyft. +23236,1,Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil. +23237,0,How do you preform an Exorcism on a witch? You burn the hell out of them +23238,1,My cousin from the south said we should kill every Muslim who owns a lama. I think he is lamaphobe. +23239,3,"A piece of string walks into a bar...(my favorite, wholesome joke) ...and orders a drink. The bartender says, ""We don't serve your kind around here."", so the string hangs his head and leaves. The next day he tries again, getting the same treatment. Now, Mr. String is getting pretty thirsty so tries again the next day. The bartender, getting upset, says to the string, ""I told you yesterday and the day before that we don't serve string around here, now get out! "". Mr. String goes home, ties himself up, ruffles his hair a bit, and makes one last attempt at getting that cool drink. When he girs back and sits down at the bar, the bartender eyes him, his blood beginning to boil, walks over and says, ""Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here yesterday, the day before and earlier today?"", to which Mr. String replies, ""Nope, I'm afraid not.""" +23240,1,"The Perfect Son A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday." +23241,5,"Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thank God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes..........!'." +23242,2,"A blonde rear-ended a sports car... A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint. A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a circle on the ground nearby. ""Stand inside this circle and don't take a step outside of it."" The blonde stood in the circle as instructed. The man turned back to the blonde's car and picked up a rock and smashed her mirror off the side. He looked back at the blonde and saw her smiling. This made him even more angry and he used the rock to break all her windows. He looked back at the blonde and she was now giggling. The man lost his temper and got a gasoline can and poured it all over the blonde's car, and then ignited the gasoline making her car erupt in flames. By now the blonde is laughing hard. The man yells at her, ""I just destroyed your car! Why are you laughing?!"" The blonde replies, ""Every time you turned around I stepped outside the circle.""" +23243,3,"A boy got sent home from school for having sex with his teacher [Long] When his mum found out, she immediately sent the boy, named Jack, to his room and told him ""Wait until your dad hears about this!"" When his father arrived, instead of flipping out as the mother expected, he was proud of his son for finally losing his virginity and getting some pussy, so he decided to take Jack out and buy him a bike he had been asking for When they were returning from the shop, the father asked Jack if he wants to ride his new bike home, but Jack responded: ""No thanks Dad, my ass still hurts""" +23244,3,A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair. +23245,0,"A man walked into a bar then said ""ouch"" " +23246,0,What does Lorena Bobbitt use to eat Chinese food? Chopdicks. +23247,1,People think that having long hair and bangs is emo. I think its more appropriate to cut it. +23248,1,"And amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. Standing outside the Pearly Gates he hears the best drum solo he is ever heard. He asks St Peter ""Is that Buddy Rich?"" St Peter response ""No that's God, he just thinks he's Buddy Rich.""" +23249,2,"Son: Dad, why is my sister's name ""Rose""? Dad: Because son, your Mother loves roses Son: Thanks Dad Dad: No problem Costco hotdog" +23250,2,A man blind man walks into a bar And a table and a chair and… +23251,4,I almost had a threesome last night... Just needed two more people. +23252,0,I couldn't tell if the woman across the pool was good looking enough to ask out I think I was too shallow +23253,0,My grandparents were fighting over a hamburger it was aged beef. +23254,5,"A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day.. ..only to be confronted by Kevin, carrying a vacuum cleaner. ""Good morning"", said Kevin. ""If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."" ""Go away!"" said the old lady. ""I haven't got any money!"" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, Kevin wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ""Don't be too hasty!"", he said. ""Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ""If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."" ""Well,"" she said, ""I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."" " +23255,2,I spent 2 hours gathering herbs but ended up throwing them out. It was a waste of thyme. +23256,4,I once made a pun out of paper. It was tearable. +23257,0,"Mom, why does that power plant have such a huge chimney? It's not a chimney, son, it's the exhaust of daddy's new Tesla. " +23258,0,What do you call a repost that makes it to hot? A toasty reposti +23259,1,With all the spoilers going around please: No one tell me what Rosebud means. +23260,2,"Why did you name your dog I-know-what-you-did? ""Because I love it when people jump 3 feet in the air whenever I call him""" +23261,1,Why call it boob sweat... When you can call it humidi-titty +23262,5,Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job? She couldn't control her pupils. +23263,1,Hitler was argueably the greatest person that ever lived... I mean he did kill Hitler +23264,2,How did the cow feel walking through a field of wheat? Udderly tickled. +23265,1,Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. +23266,2,"There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all bloody, to the cross. the nails go right through the hand and cross. Then the text appears ""Saint Lucy nails. Holds even gods"" . The commercial is over and the owner is baffled. He yells at the marketing guy saying he can't have his brand being the one that got Jesus crucified. The guy asks for a few more days. After those, he shows the new commercial: it's Jesus running by the beach, the camera zooms out and it shows that the Roman soldiers are chasing him. Then the clouds clear, a beam of light shines on Jesus and takes him to the heavens. The camera changes to the Roman and he says ""Dammit, I knew I should have used Saint Lucy nails""." +23267,2,"Pay the Price One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours. After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.'' The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.'' The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.'' The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.'' The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''" +23268,7,"500 bricks on a plane Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left? A. 499 Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator. Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator. Q. It's the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why? A. The giraffe, he's in the refrigerator. Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. The How? A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party. Q. Sally dies anyway, why? A. She is hit in the head by a brick. EDIT: Jesus people it's just a joke who cares if it makes sense!!! " +23269,0,Today I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped My brother: Really? How !? Me: By self control +23270,0,Gay men aren’t even modern day humans. They can’t even be classified as homo sapiens. All of them are homo erectus. +23271,1,What is blue but smells like red paint Blue paint +23272,3,"A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier. The first joke comes and the blonde is stoic. Second. Third. Not even a smile. She get’s to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing. “Why are you laughing, I haven’t even told the joke!” The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied, “I just got the first one.”" +23273,0,Did you hear the one about the guy who was about to tell a joke and then thought better of it? He killed it. +23274,1,"I bought an Arabian oil lamp, rubbed it, and out popped a Genie. Predictably, he said, ""Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. I shall grant you one wish. Anything you want."" I already knew what I wanted. I said, ""I wish I could watch thirty minutes of television without any of those annoying, repetitive drug commercials!"" The Genie replied, ""Yeah, buddy, try again. I grant wishes; I don't work MIRACLES.""" +23275,0,"Me and my girlfriend were on a cruise, listening to Bob Marley. She said he was Upboat. " +23276,3,"A female friend of mine told me that i should act more like a knight So i stopped showering, brushing my teeth and i raped her" +23277,0,I've heard a lot of gossip about molasses today. It's nothing more than viscous rumours. +23278,2,What plane model can carry the most thots? Hoeing 737 +23279,2,"Two condoms are walking down the street... Two condoms are walking down the street when they pass a gay pub. One condom turns to the other condom and says, “Let’s go in there and get shit-faced!” " +23280,0,"A blonde walks into a bar...[NSFW] She was one of the last customers. She ordered a vodka. Got drunk and passed out. Seeing the opportunity, bartender fucked her real hard. Next day, again she came. Again she ordered vodka and passed out. The bartender had told the story to his friends. They had come to see the blonde and that day they all fucked her. Next day, the bartender has called all his family and friends and they all fucked the blonde. Quickly the word spread all across town and the next day, the whole town was in the bar. The blonde came to the bar and ordered orange juice. The bartender almost couldn't believe her. He said, ""Mam no vodka today?"". She says, ""I would love to but whenever I drink vodka, I get pimples in my pussy.""" +23281,2,Why can't the police stop the theft of gasoline? They never go on petrol. +23282,0,Hear about the 2020 summer olympics? They're going to hold the water sports in Houston. +23283,1,Quick! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver? England just choked. +23284,0,What did the egg say when it got it’s period? Uh oh! Ouch! Menstrueggtion! +23285,0,"Why was 7 afraid of 8? Because 8, 9, 10. " +23286,3,"Y’know, communism is definitely the best system of government. Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free." +23287,6,I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer. +23288,2,"Mega- is a prefix meaning ""million"".... ...and ""micro"" is a prefix meaning ""millionth"". So, a megaphone would be one trillion microphones." +23289,3,"A police man searched me in a public toilet last night... A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. ""its not my fault"", I said, ""Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."" ""Do you really expect me to believe that?"" he said I said, ""I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"" ""Go on than."" he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, ""Well, show me your pocket than."" ""What for?"" I asked He said, ""The drugs."" I said, ""What drugs?""" +23290,0,My timex watch broke the other day. Now it's an ex-time watch. +23291,1,"My SO walked by an extremely Rusted sign for the Magnet Development Center ""Ah, the irony."" Edit: Quotes for clarity about source." +23292,1,I like my men like I like my coffee Silent +23293,1,What do you call it when a boyfriend is teasing his hot girlfriend too much? Thot provoking. +23294,5,"An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ""Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"" The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ""Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."" The blond opened his lunch and said, ""Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."" The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, ""If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, ""I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much. Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. ""Hey, don't look at me,"" she said, ""He makes his own lunch.""" +23295,0,What do you call a reptile who works in the stock market? An investiGATOR. +23296,0,I believe that I would be better in the bedroom than Jesus Oh sure he can perform miracles but at least with me if you give me a second I will cum +23297,2,Harvey Weinstein ejaculated in his potted plant so many times . . . . . . It almost got cast as Will Hunting. +23298,2,Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. +23299,5,Why does an Ethiopian baby cry It’s having a midlife crisis +23300,0,Why was the vegetable farmer unable to escape the thieves with his produce? Because the vegetables were too cucumbersome. Edit: a letter. +23301,0,"If aliens came to Earth they'd probably think dogs were the superior sentient species... Can't be humans, we elected Trump. " +23302,2,"Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’ Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’ ‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." +23303,0,Of course they cast Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis in the Black Panther. They’re the Tolkien white guys. +23304,3,"There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult. Green vegetables, reading and rough sex." +23305,11,"If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators" +23306,0,"What’s the difference between really and potentially Ask Junior to his dad, \\-That’s easy. The father reply, \\-Call your mother and you will see. Junior do as instructed and mother comes to them, –Will you have sex with a strange man for 1 million dollars? Ask the father. –Of course. She reply, father look at his son and ask him –Do you understand now? Junior do a negative gesture, father ask him to call his sister and when the sister approaches, father ask her, \\-Will you have sex with a strange man for 1 million dollars? –Of course, with no doubt. She reply to the question. –See Junior, do you get it now? Junior was still confused. Then the father say –Potentially we have 2 million dollars, but really we only have two whores." +23307,2,TIL that there are two things in the air that can cause women to become pregnant... Their legs. +23308,4,"What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? ""Oops""" +23309,1,What do you call it when you dropped your mobile in a deep hole in the ground? Digital well-being. +23310,0,I once had my very own flee circus It was pretty cool until all the performers left in the middle of the show :( +23311,1,I love eating glow worms Especially as a light snack +23312,0,Knock Knock Knock Knock. Who's there? Allah. Allah who? ALLAHU ACKBAR! ::explosion:: +23313,2,I love whale-whatching but it has gotten a little more difficult now that the nearest WalMart closed down +23314,1,"Husband and wife Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush. " +23315,0,"I was Sent A Picture... So, the other day I was sent a picture of an overweight, drunkard version of that little bald kid character from that old show with the Airbenders, you know, "" The Last Avatar "" I didn't know how to respond so I changed the topic. We went for about five minutes until they posted it again, insistent that I critique the peice. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable. This happened five more times before I deleted the conversation and tried to move on with my life Well about a week passes and someone opens a group chat asking me and some buddies of mine about some weird meme picture they found. Imagine my horror when Boomer Aang had returned again." +23316,1,"Years ago, I took some LSD and tried to have sex with my girlfriend, but couldn’t. I still have flaccid flashbacks." +23317,3,Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings! +23318,4,"Dwarf Incident I rear ended a car this morning... I tell you, it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ""I am NOT Happy!"" So I said, ""Well, which one ARE you then?"" " +23319,1,Why is your cat in class today? Because I heard my dad tell my mom: 'I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today' +23320,3,What do you call a gun with three barrels? A trifle. +23321,3,"You know, Dwayne Johnson was always a special kid... In third grade, all the other kids drew a family tree. Little dwayne made a family quarry." +23322,1,My drug dealer's so quick I nicknamed him... Instagram +23323,2,Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk +23324,1,"A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ""Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ""It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."" " +23325,0,What is a necrophiles porno mag? A suicide note +23326,0,"Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? A: No, you should just have the turkey!" +23327,2,The japanese company Subaru is releasing an electric remodel of the Subaru Legacy it's called Legacy 2 electric subaru +23328,4,"Donald Trump goes to the doctor... Doctor, doctor every time I look in the mirror I get aroused.. Doctor replies: I'm not surprised.. You're a cunt" +23329,1,What the relationship between two stars? Solmates. +23330,1,"Why are Muslims and Jews not allowed to eat bacon, which is pork at its best? Because they also cannot handle pigs at their wurst." +23331,0,To the people who call me a stalker: Be careful! I know where you live. +23332,0,I need your support Her: What’s wrong? Him: I had a bad day. I need your oral support. Her: You mean “moral” Him: No! +23333,4,Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan +23334,1,Saw my dog lying down with one ear pointing straight up. I think he had an ear-ection +23335,0,"What's the difference between a Communist and a Fascist A Communist will burn down property, while a Fascist will burn down an immigrant edit:an" +23336,2,What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $2 and deer nuts are just under a buck. +23337,1,Did you know you can't run in a campsite You can only ran because it is past tents +23338,0,What is Trump's favorite country? Va-china +23339,1,How do you describe Bill Gates's penis Microsoft +23340,1,Ever have sex while camping? its fucking intents +23341,2,Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear +23342,3,How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. +23343,0,Bruce Springsteen isn't very good at math I don't think anyone's heard him count past the number 4 in years. +23344,2,What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? Supplies! +23345,2,I hope Trump's wall won't upset the Mexicans I think they'll get over it though +23346,1,How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case. +23347,0,"I've started using my penis like a captcha... I sort out the bots from the actual women on dating sites with it. I send a picture of it, if they get angry/disgusted they are an actual woman and not a bot. " +23348,0,What was the name of the Pho Restaurant that sold boiling noodles Phorenheit 451 +23349,4,What do you call a laughing motorcycle? a Yamahahahaha +23350,0,"A Time Traveller eats a really good cracker. ""Great BiScotti!""" +23351,0,Why should you never steal a dolly? Because they're so easy to clone +23352,1,"The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children: ""Please, God, let that be chocolate.""" +23353,0,What do you call Steve Bannon in a rubber room? Home. +23354,3,What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus... It only takes one nail to hold up the painting. +23355,4,My girlfriend said choose her or weed Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend +23356,0,Why did the artist go to the doctor? ..... because he had a painting. +23357,5,"I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist. In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags " +23358,0,What's the difference between Jews and Boy Scouts? Boy scouts actually come back from camp. +23359,2,What do you call boxers worn backwards? Easy access +23360,2,what do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile +23361,2,A friend and I decided to see who would die first after eating a tide pod... “Now this is pod racing.” +23362,2,"Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?” Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”" +23363,6,"My girlfriend said, ""You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."" ""Good idea!"" I replied. ""We can cover more ground that way!""" +23364,2,Your clothes will never forgive you... You always hang them out to dry. +23365,0,How do you get a Canadian to pay you back? You ask. +23366,4,"Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street One says ""I haven't come this way before"". The other says ""neither have I just hold on and enjoy it""" +23367,1,"The New York Times recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene." +23368,4,"My 10-month old My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since." +23369,6,Say what you want about Trump’s wall But China has had a great wall for thousands of years and you still don’t see any Mexicans Edit: Apparently this joke *whooshed* over a lot of people Edit 2: ITT People who don’t realize it’s a joke about a wall and not the demographics of China +23370,2,"A woman walks into the clubhouse after nine holes... ""Whats the problem ma'am?"" ""I got stung by a bee"" ""Where at?"" ""Between the first and second hole"" ""Well I'd say your stance is too wide""" +23371,0,No school tomorrow... Thanks Obama +23372,1,What's the difference between cows and bulls? It takes longer to milk the bull. +23373,2,What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu? One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment. +23374,0,"Walked in on my dad.... when he had porn up on his computer.. ""Fuck these pop-ups"" Okay dad" +23375,4,A man walks into a bar and says... Ow. My head. +23376,0,What do middle class people do in a rave Drop the double bass +23377,2,Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips? It's called the McJagger. +23378,3,Which cheese is made backwards? Edam +23379,0,"What's the name of the voice actor for that life insurance duck? Wrong, Gilbert got fired." +23380,2,What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain +23381,1,"What did the guy with micro-penises for eyes say to the doctor I dont know doc, everything just seems a little cock-eyed to me." +23382,2,What do you call it when a kid is good for 365 days in a row? Fantastic behaveyear! +23383,3,Where did the practice of bukake originate? It comes from all over. +23384,2,What spell does Harry Potter use for constipation? Expelli-anus +23385,2,What's the difference between the 2018 Fifa World Cup and 21 Savage? Only one came home. +23386,0,What do you call an instigated castle? An inclination of 1080p royalty. +23387,0,I wish it could be Christmas everyday That would be totally wizard +23388,7,"There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, ""Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!"" The knight said: ""Eywanmytonbac!""" +23389,0,What should the have done instead of refusing to give up his seat on a United flight? Given the officers each a Pepsi. +23390,0,What's brown and sticky? A Stick +23391,0,"If I were a bird, I would rather be caged I hate moving." +23392,0,"Roger Federer realizes he is running low on tennis balls... Roger Federer realizes he is running low on tennis balls, so he sends of little Johnny the ball-boy to buy some. He gives him € 20 for new balls, and an extra € 10 and tells Johnny to treat himself while he was out. As Johnny was walking into town, he saw a cinema showing the classic movie King Kong. Not having seen it before, and with € 10 burning his pocket he goes to watch the movie, and is amazed. In his excitement about the movie, he completely forgets to buy Federer his new tennis balls and goes back to the house. Johnny: Roger Roger! I saw an incredible movie! It was about a big monkey who attacked America, he had massive muscles, massive arms, massive legs Roger, exasperated just wanting to get on with playing tennis: And the balls? Johnny: Yeah, they were massive as well!" +23393,9,"4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes. The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, ""My family and my fans need me surely you will understand."", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: ""Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country"" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. ""Go on take the last one"", the old man said, ""I lived a long and fulfilled life."" Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, ""Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."" " +23394,1,"Even Mates 2 mates havin a drink: one says ""If I went to your house while you were at work, shagged your wife, & she got pregnant, would that make us related?"" His mate replies ""Dunno, but it would definitely make us even.""""" +23395,1,What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking. +23396,0,Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud. Wanna hear a dirtier joke? 2 more white horses fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? All three took baths. +23397,3,"Good news everyone: I'm no longer constipated! Just kidding, I'm full of shit." +23398,1,"How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the bulb has to be large enough." +23399,1,"I have two friends named Gene One of them is fat, and one of them is gay. Everyone I know who believes in the fat Gene refuses to believe there's a gay Gene " +23400,2,Why do people always avoid talking about hands? They're a touchy subject. +23401,4,Slow typing... After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free. She's not replying anymore. Lesson learnt -Never smoke while texting.. +23402,2,My friend collects scoliosis journals He has *back* issues. +23403,0,"Whats the worst thing you can get in a second hand shop? Second hand toilet paper! Do you get it? Omg that's disgusting you actually buy second hand toilet paper! * This joke only really works in person and I've been telling it since I was 5 years old, I always thought it was funny so maybe it's only for young kids to tell, hey I'm in my 30s and still think it's funny" +23404,0,What's the Pope iTunes play-list name? Pray-list. +23405,1,"I dumped the girl I met at Dyslexia Club because she used the ""N"" word. Virgin." +23406,1,What do you call an Indian person who can't stick to a diet? Naan-committal. +23407,0,"A priest and a rabbi ... Are collecting money for charity. When people left the church, the priest took all of the money, drew a line on the ground, threw all the money in the air and said ""what fell on the left of the line is for God, what fell on the right is for me"". The rabbi after everyone left the synagogue, threw all of the money in the air, and said : ""What remained in the air is for God, what fell in the ground is for me""" +23408,1,I posted an Asian Neo-Nazi post on Facebook. It's already got 50 reichs +23409,4,Why don't the police protest against BLM? Because they have jobs. +23410,4,What do I need a girlfriend for? When the Reddit servers are ready to go down on me anytime? +23411,2,There's a knock at the door... A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ +23412,0,"What do you say to someone who just farted? Your voice has changed, but your breath hasn't." +23413,1,I once picked up a book to solve insomnia. It was a pretty heavy read. So I pulled an all nighter. +23414,1,"There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, ""What is the last thing you remember?"" ""Shit flying everywhere,"" the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, ""What's the matter?"" The farmer replied, ""The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in." +23415,2,"A man was driving when he noticed the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for speeding, even tough he knew he wasn’t. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Again the camera flashed. Thinking he was funny, he drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he received five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt." +23416,1,"What did Kurt Cobain say when he went to his prostate exam? ""Here we are now, enter anus""" +23417,1,What do Joseph Stalin and Superman have in common? They're both *men of steel*. +23418,2,"A holocaust survivor goes to Heaven When they meet God, they tell God a holocaust joke and God says, “That’s not funny” “Well, I guess you had to be there”." +23419,0,Team work is important Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else. +23420,1,"From my grandson this morning. His first Dad joke Pop-pop? What did zero say to the number 8? I don't know River, what did he say? ""Nice Belt"" pop-pop" +23421,5,A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid... ...just can't stop. +23422,1,"How is a pizza delivery guy like a gynecologist? You can smell it, but you can't eat it." +23423,0,"Confucius say, Athletic finger... Make broad jump." +23424,3,What is the easiest way to get chewing gum out of your hair? Cancer. +23425,6,"Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, ""Are you a little girl or a little boy?"" ""I don't know,"" replied the other baby giggling. ""What do you mean, you don't know?"" said the first baby. ""I mean I don't know how to tell the difference,"" was the reply. ""Well, I do,"" said the first baby chuckling, ""I'll climb into your crib and find out."" He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face. ""You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy,"" he said proudly. ""You're ever so clever,"" said the baby girl, ""but how can you tell?"" ""It's quite easy really,"" replied the baby boy, ""you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones.""" +23426,0,Why did all the phones die in San Diego? Because they had no chargers. +23427,0,"A Russian spy, a sexua predator and a businessman walk into a bar The bartender says, “what can I get you Mr President?” (Shamelessly Stolen from God’s twitter)" +23428,3,"Old man on his deathbed... Old man is on his deathbed and smells cookies from the kitchen. With the last bit of strength in his body he drags himself out of bed and crawls to the kitchen. As he reaches for a cookie, his wife slaps his hand, “That’s for the funeral you bastard!”" +23429,0,What walks on three legs and has a tremendous appetite? A tripork hamera +23430,0,"Lawyer Rock Client Shock. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. ""Can you tell me how much you charge?"", said the client. ""Of course"", the lawyer replied, ""I charge $200 to answer three questions!"" ""Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"" ""Yes it is"", said the lawyer, ""And what's your third question?""" +23431,2,Why are caskets so expensive? Because everyone is dying to get in one! +23432,3,What is it called when you accidentally kill one of your friends? Homiecide +23433,1,I went to a yard sale. I've always wanted to have a yard. Turns out they were actually selling three feet . . . used to belong to some rabbit . . . +23434,0,In Capitalist America... President builds wall to keep people out! +23435,3,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero +23436,0,"Two vegetarians get into an argument. Do they have beef? Nah, they squashed that shit. " +23437,1,How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it. +23438,1,Making your bed is like making your butt hole look glorious. No ones going to see it (except maybe your partner) and it's only going to get messed up at bed time. +23439,1,"RIP, boiling water. You will be mist" +23440,2,"A girl asked her mom how to spell ‘scrotum’ She replied, “Sweetheart, you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”" +23441,4,"A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened. The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.” The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!” Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over." +23442,0,The reason Chris Christie didn't get into the Cabinet came out today He'd rather be in the Pantry. +23443,0,"How do you stop a girl from bugging you? ""BAYGON, THOT""" +23444,3,When does a joke become a dad joke? When it reaches full sighs. +23445,0,Why was 7 afraid of 6? Because 6 was getting revenge on 7 for when it 8 9. +23446,0,Apple profits have been going through the roof One might say... they're back in mac. *I'll see myself out.* +23447,5,"NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first? Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts." +23448,3,Goodbye boiled water you will be mist +23449,1,Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6 7 8 ^^May ^^the ^^Fourth ^^be ^^with ^^you! +23450,3,Earlier today I really needed a drink to quench my thirst and apple juice wasn't really doing it for me but OJ did it +23451,7,Orion's belt is a terrible waist of space. Terrible joke. Only 3 stars. +23452,1,"One minute, you're getting drunk as a skunk, then the next minute, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be working for the NHS. " +23453,0,What's thin and wiry? A Wire. +23454,1,I bet that if Arnold Shwartsnegger dies his gravestone will say 'I will be back' Sorry if there are spelling mistakes +23455,4,Making jokes about rape is hard... because it's such a touchy subject and you always have to force it +23456,4,"What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters? A Nickel-less Cage " +23457,2,"Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match? The person who shouted ""Give me an L!""" +23458,0,Me: I give a kiss to my wife before leaving for my office. He: Me too. After you leave for office. +23459,1,I Always Thought American Jokes Were Bad. Then I was told that German jokes are actually the wurst. +23460,3,Tech support in the military Troubleshoot to kill. +23461,9,"In USSR we had this joke An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: ""Today one more communist will die""" +23462,0,The Mueller Report is just Like the Bible Anybody who has read the whole thing knows that it is full of shit. +23463,3,I tried to explain to my son... I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me. +23464,1,"There's an old couple sitting in church. The woman says to the man: ""I think I just ripped out a quiet fart, what should I do now?"" To which the man replies: ""please renew the battery in your hearing aid.""" +23465,2,"My wife left me because I was too insecure and paranoid. Edit : Nevermind, she was just getting the mail." +23466,1,What's the best thing to do when you are unsure about your new mattress? Sleep on it +23467,2,"During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, ""Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"" He replied, ""I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now."" I said, ""Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."" He replied, ""Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.""" +23468,1,"Whats the difference between a razor and an iron? You don't know? Geez, you must have trouble shaving." +23469,1,What do you call a Cheetah that you're gonna eat for lunch? Fast food. +23470,1,what do you call a homosexual dinosaur? Megasorass. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapus. +23471,3,I like my women how I like my Whisky Sweet But lukewarm and stored in a barrel for ten years +23472,2,"Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was long and boring, but the reception was great!" +23473,0,What's the only condiment that says hey Wassssaaaaabi +23474,1,"An American Battleship spots a Chinese canoe “What are you doing,” the Americans said. “We are going to raid America,” the four Chinese men responded. All of the Americans laughed at them. Then the Chinese said, “The other 4 million are already there.” " +23475,2,A cyclops asked his human wife How do you spell Hawaii? Wife : Well you need two i's Cyclops : this isnt the time to fucking joke around linda +23476,3,My brother lost his job at the rubber factory ... but I think he'll bounce back. +23477,1,"I said to my friend, “let’s take turns naming American Vice Presidents”. Al Gore first. " +23478,1,Im tired of chasing people who wont chase me... from today on the ice cream man can go fuck himself. +23479,1,I was going to make a dad joke about aged milk... ...but then I realized it would be too cheesy. +23480,1,I met my wife at school that's probably why they fired me +23481,1,"My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.. A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, ""It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."" The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, ""My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!""" +23482,2,Black people aren't real They are just a pigment of your imagination. +23483,6,"A girl asks a boy ""What does your dad do for a living?'' He replies ""He's a magician."" She asks ""Is he good?"" He says ""Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago.""" +23484,0,I think Milo Yiannopoulos and Ann Coulter would make a great couple. Because he's a gay alt-right conservative and she's Ann Coulter. +23485,0,The yak said to the other yak “What are you yacking about”? +23486,2,What do you call a dog that reads a lot of reddit? A sub woofer +23487,0,"Two Nazi Officers Walk Up To Hitler's Desk ""Mein Fuhrer, ve have done vhat you've asked,"" says the first officer. ""Ja,"" chimes the second, ""ve've successfully gassed the Jews!"" Hitler slams his fist against the top of the desk ""Nein, you idiots, I said I vanted a glass of juice!""" +23488,3,"A man says to his wife, ""I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad."" She thinks for a minute then replies, ""you have the biggest penis out of all your friends.""" +23489,1,"Ebay Sold some stuff to the Pope on eBay. I knew it was him, he used his papal account!!" +23490,7,Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian It was the least I could have done for him. +23491,0,What do you call a train full of cats? A freighty cat. +23492,2,How do you tell the difference between a boy Spaghetti and a girl Spaghetti? Meatballs +23493,1,"What subject of ""How to..."" book is the hardest to sell? Suicide. You'll only ever get negative reviews. " +23494,1,Hookers should use laundry mats as fronts for their brothels They both charge by the load. +23495,0,Maths Teacher Was Teaching Mathematical Conversions.... Teacher-If 1000 Kgs= Ton. Then! For 3000 Kgs =How Much? Student - Ton!Ton!Ton! +23496,2,"My dad keeps saying that's what she said. Dad; (Putting cereal in his bowl) Me: Can you please put it in my thing also? Dad: That's what she said. Me: Please stop daddy! Dad: That's what she said. Me: Please, I'm only ten!!! Dad: That's what she said." +23497,1,It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem he's already on his knees for Trump +23498,2,If the Beast got Febreeze for his lady's room... ...would that make him the Fresh Prince of Belle's Air? +23499,0,What do you call a Jewish ninja? A ninjew. +23500,0,"A blonde calls her husband in the woods. She asks him: ""if you had three words to sum up everything, what would they be?"" ""Bear with me,"" he replies nervously. The blonde, annoyed, says, ""But I want to know NOW!"" Suddenly, roaring is heard and her husband's screams are drowned out by the roaring. A moment passes before the blonde says... ""Are you going to tell me now?"" " +23501,0,What is a soda's favorite television show? The Sprite is Right! +23502,4,Electricity is like a wife. It's cheaper to take the neighbour's. +23503,0,Where do you park a camel? The Camelot. +23504,2,Chris Brown's girlfriend walked into a bar. That's his story and he's sticking to it. +23505,0,With how much power a horse make sex? 1 hp! +23506,0,"A crocodile is on the loose! A wild croc escaped from my neighbors basement. He was at my front door, so I was all like ""HELLO MR.CROC"" cuz you know its like a crocodile and stuff. The croc looked me in my eyes and said ""hi dumbass"" and I was like wutt this croc just said hi, like is he into me or something. I told the croc to get away and he said ""I am not a crocodile I am your neighbor Mr. Henderson, stop calling me a croc please""" +23507,0,I was incredulous when my friend told me we get our notion that ninjas where black from Japanese theatre... Noh!? +23508,0,What does a bald guy need to scratch his head? A hole in his pocket +23509,0,What do you call a japanese cow demon? *Bologna* +23510,1,What did the Italian junkie say? Giovanni Change +23511,0,Why is pubic hair curly? So you don’t get poked in the eye. +23512,0,Delta Airlines New Slogan: Where you WON'T be physically assaulted. +23513,0,All the planets are having a shower in prison. One of them dropped its soap. Uranus got fucked so much. +23514,4,"I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother." +23515,0,What's the difference between an light bulb and an woman you only need one finger to turn one on +23516,1,"A priest, a traktor tire and a cheese grater walk into a bar. The bartender gives them the rest of his LSD, tells his boss he ain't feeling right and goes home." +23517,0,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off +23518,1,"A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel over his crotch. The bartender asks, ""Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"" The man replies, ""It's none of your business"" The bartender asks again, ""Come on, tell me"" The man replies, ""I told you it's none of your business"" The bartender pleads one more time, ""You have to tell me whats with the steering wheel!?"" The man replies, ""I said stop asking, you're driving me nuts!""" +23519,1,I need stop procrastinating with drugs I just gotta sit down and finally do them. +23520,1,"Psi walks into a bar And says to the owner ""Such a nice unit you have here, totally on a different scale""" +23521,0,Little jimmy So one day little jimmy’s playing in his room and all the sudden a time portal opens up and an older jimmy steps out little jimmy says” i don’t know what to say” then he says” what will I be when I grow up” and as older jimmy locks the door he says” a peadophile” +23522,1,What's Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1 +23523,0,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? 12 One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for inventing such faulty means if illumination, one to suggest the whole ""screwing"" bit to be too ""rape-like"", one to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing its light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now ""out-lightbulbing"" men, one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary." +23524,1,Sex makes my day But anal makes me wish that I wasn't an alter boy +23525,6,I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve. +23526,2,"Last day kindergarten It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, ""I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."" That's right"" the boy said, ""but how did you know?"" ""Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, ""I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."" ""That's right, but how did you know?"" asked the girl. ""Oh, just a wild guess,"" said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. ""Is it wine?"" she asked. ""No,"" the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. ""Is it champagne?"" she asked. ""No,"" the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, ""I give up, what is it?"" With great glee, the boy replied, ""It's a puppy!""" +23527,0,What did America get for Christmas? A new *Precedent* +23528,0,I hosted a meeting for those who suffer from premature ejaculation! It started at 3pm but everybody came early +23529,0,What do call an Oreo that you accidentally dropped? a Flooreo +23530,4,Why was the 3 year old African child crying? He was going through a midlife crisis. +23531,0,"Three students were at art class. The teacher told the class that they were going to draw pictures in pencil. The first student drew a plush bear. The second drew an airplane. The third was jamming the pencil into the paper. The teacher asked what he was doing, to which the student replied, ""I can't fit my paper in the pencil!""" +23532,4,"Loan Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”" +23533,0,"Gary knee he couldn’t be like everybody else... He was short, had a gobble, and bawked everywhere he went. He tried to be one of the boys, but he wasn’t accepted into the group. One day when Gary got off of work he went to the bar to get a drink. The bartender said, “what’ll you have?” The Gary said he wants a scotch on the rocks. Gary drinks, and pays, and leaves. While he was leaving, he turned and saw sitting at a table, the guys. He had tried so hard to be a part of their group. He wanted to try one more time. He went up to them and told them he would pay for their next round if they let him be their friend for a couple hours. They agreed. This would happen every day for almost a year. Suddenly, Gary thought about the year before and how his “friends” have probably been using him for free drinks. So, with a heavy heart, he left the bar. People always ask, “why did the chicken cross the road?” He just wanted to get a away. He wanted to get to the other side." +23534,3,My boyfriend found my stash of midget amputee porn and got extremely upset... I don't see why. It was just a little armless fantasy. +23535,1,Did you hear about Michael Jackson's memoir of his childhood? It's called *Fondle Memories* +23536,1,I hired a guy to teach me all about the dark web. He was just my tormentor. +23537,0,I called out someone for being racist at a Chinese toilet convention. And then everyone crapped. +23538,0,What do you call a masochistic dinosaur A stabnsawrus +23539,2,Did you hear about the bomb blast in Pakistan? Apparently the terrorists were tired of the commute and wanted to work from home for a while +23540,3,What’s the difference between “there” and “they’re”? Their meanings. +23541,4,"While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife... He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is. He asks the guy, ""Are you lost, buddy?"" The guy says, ""Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."" ""What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap wife details so if we see each other's better half, we can let them know the other is looking for her."" ""Great idea, I'll go first. My wife is about 5' 10"" with long blonde hair and ridiculously long legs, which will be easy see because she's wearing a tiny leather miniskirt and stilettos. Not that you'll notice any of that with her boobs busting out of her tube top like they do. So what's your wife look like?"" ""Aww, nevermind my wife, let's look for yours!""" +23542,0,How is a tinder profile like an NBA scouting report? The most important thing is height. +23543,5,"It's a boy! Frank exclaimed. ""It's a boy!"" And he never visited Bangkok ever again." +23544,2,"Sinking American ship: Mayday mayday, we are sinking. Is anyone there? German coast guard: Hello, this is ze German coast guard. Ship: We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking. German coast guard: Wot are you thinking about?" +23545,1,My New Year's Resolution 1920x1080 +23546,2,What do you call an eternal Bob Ross? Ourobobross +23547,0,What does one call a flexible Asian? A stretchink. +23548,1,How is Russia's largest computer called? Com-Putin. +23549,3,"Bought sneakers from my drug dealer Idk what he laced them with, but I been trippin for hours" +23550,4,Karl Marx College is a total scam there aren't even any classes! +23551,1,"What's the difference between a chick pea, and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't let a garbanzo *bean* on my face" +23552,2,What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck. +23553,1,"Give me a D! ""D!!!"" ""Give me an S!"" ""S!!!!"" ""Give me an L!"" ""L!!!"" ""Give me a Y!"" ""Y!!!"" "" Give me an I!"" ""I!!!"" ""Give me an X!"" ""X!!!"" ""Give me an A!"" ""A!!!"" ""Give me an E!"" ""E!!!"" ""What does it spell!!!!????"" ""DYSLEXIA!!!!!"" " +23554,2,How does Ohm conduct an orchestra? Standing on his head! +23555,5,"A man bought a bar A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. ""Blackie, is that you?"" The dog spoke. ""Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully."" The man replied, ""I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight.""" +23556,2,Why was the cop playing Pokemon? Because he was trying to catch Jamal +23557,4,"Last time I went to the Indian restaurant, they forgot to give me bread... But I didn't complain, since it was a naan-issue." +23558,0,People who sell handkerchiefs Poke their business into other people's noses. +23559,2,Crime in multi-storey car parks It’s wrong on so many levels +23560,2,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints +23561,0,What's the difference between a black man and a park bench? A park bench can support a family. +23562,2,"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside." +23563,1,"Occam's Disposable Razor When given multiple equally valid choices, choose the one that costs the least money." +23564,1,"People are always talking about cutting back on sugar. But I think sugar gives you super powers... After 20 years of eating sugar I no longer feel pain, in my legs anyways." +23565,2,"Yesterday, I told my dad a joke about meat. He said: a steak pun is a rare medium, well done." +23566,4,What does a hornytoad say? Rubbit. +23567,1,I saw someone eating ass... I can't believe they ate the hole thing!! +23568,2,"Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case? It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface." +23569,3,"Sheila shows up to work one day, in tears and looking for comfort. The only person in the office that morning is John, not ideal, but Sheila carries on anyway. She relays her story to him: ""I left for work this morning, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. We've been married for 10 years and I love him, but he won't go to counseling, and I don't know what to do!"" John waits patiently for her to finish, ponders his response for a few moments and replies, ""A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.""" +23570,0,What do BIC pens say when they introduce themselves? Iambic pentameter. +23571,0,"The attorney tells his accused client, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.” " +23572,2,What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on? Vacation. +23573,0,What's the difference between Mitch McConnell and a soft shelled turtle? Only one of them actually looks like a turtle. +23574,6,I just found an origami porn channel... ... but it is paper view only. +23575,2,How do you turn a soup into gold Add 14 carrots +23576,3,"I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday Not only is it terrible , it's also terrible" +23577,0,Why was Dick taken by cps? His father was told he can’t beat him even though he’s named Richard. +23578,1,What's pink and hard? A pig with a knife. +23579,1,"Funny Joke Teacher And Student Teacher: ""Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: ""Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: ""Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"" Little Johnny: ""No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone.." +23580,1,"A snake walks into a bar The bartender screams ""You can't do that!"" and chases him out." +23581,0,"MY FUCKING CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN sucks, now i need to hold down the shift key for a whole sentence when i'm annoyed" +23582,2,Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog? Because he wanted to get a long little doggy. +23583,0,What's the difference between /r/news and radical extremists? Radical extremists fuck goats while /r/news fucks themselves. +23584,3,"Weight loss program A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ""If you can catch me, you can have me."" Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ""If you catch me you can have me"". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program. ""Are you sure?"" asks the representative on the phone. ""This is our most rigorous program."" ""Absolutely,"" he replies, ""I haven't felt this good in years."" The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ""If I catch you, you are mine."" He lost 33 lbs that week.." +23585,0,An old indian chief walks into a pharmacy He asks for some condoms because he's trying to avoid getting his new wife preganant. He gets some condoms and leaves next day he's back and asking for better condoms. Pharmacist says how come the ones i gave you should of been fine. Indian says Left nut go uhh right nut go uhh rubber go pow. The pharmacist gives him heavier condoms and the indian goes on his way but the next day he's back. exact same conversation as the day before. The pharmacist gives him ultra magnum condoms the thickest toughest made and said these will do it. The pharmacist doesn't see the indian for weeks but finally he comes in and the pharmacist grabs another box for him and he says no thanks and asks for a refund on the ones he bought the pharmacist says how come. Indian says Left nut go uhh rubber go uhh right nut go POW! +23586,1,Not sure if this is a repost... but have you reddit before? +23587,4,"A woman with a glass eye A woman with a glass eye was married to a man with a nasty disposition. The husband would punish her for having dinner late to the table or if the house cleaning wasn't spotless. His punishment was to take her glass eye and lock it in a password protected safe. One day while the husband was at work, her mother came to visit her. The wife had burned one of his shirts while ironing it the previous day. Her mother asked ""What's with the eye patch? Where's your glass eye?"". The wife replied ""I burned one of his shirts yesterday and he punished me by taking my eye and locking it in the safe."". Her mother said ""Why not just open the safe and take your eye back?"". ""I would mom, but I don't know the wife eye password"" " +23588,0,"You ever suck on an ice lollies really hard? You see how when you suck on an ice lolly really hard, you suck all the flavour out of it alongwith all its colour and what remains is just white ice? That's exactly what women do to men they are in relationships with." +23589,2,What's the best way for a prostitute to advertise? Word of mouth. +23590,0,"Prefect gift for Mrs. Hawkins at her husband's funeral. Durex ""Eggplant flavored"" condom" +23591,0,A Saudi Arabian investment group just purchased Hobby Lobby... It will now be called Wahabi Lobby +23592,2,What is the toughest part of eating a vegetable? The wheel chair. +23593,0,What did the gastroenterologist say when I lost bowel control in his office? You're shitting me +23594,0,"I got so drunk, I started telling my girlfriend about the most beautiful moment between my ex and I... And, I even had the nerve to ask her what she thought of it. She said, ""I don't think I'm gonna' be able to cum now. Can you get out of me?""" +23595,0,Why are twin sisters called fraternal? I AM OUTRAGED!!!!! +23596,0,Is dying the only alternative To riding? +23597,9,"I met a 14 year old girl on the internet... She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?" +23598,3,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on an island... They know civilization is only 50 miles away. The redhead decides she’s going to swim for it. She swims out 5 miles, gets tired and drowns. Then the brunette decides to try. She swims 10 miles out, gets tires and drowns. Finally the blonde decides to try her luck. She swims 25 miles out, gets tired, and swims back." +23599,2,A circle is talking to a square. The circle says: “I only have one side.” The square then responds with: “What’s your point?” +23600,0,"Names There are 3 new kids in school today, all of them sisters, they walk in and the teacher decides to talk to them Teacher: Hello, whats your name? Child 1: Rose Teacher: Thats a nice name, why are you called Rose? Rose: Because when I was in my mommys tummy, a Rose fell on her Teacher: Aw thats so sweet, whats your name? Child 2: Tulip Teacher: Thats a lovely name, why are named Tulip? Tulip: because when I was in my Mommys tummy, a Tulip fell on her Teacher: Thats so adorable! What about you -points at Child 3- whats your name? Child 3: My name is **Brick**" +23601,2,"S&M Women Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long\\-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!' The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!' The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented\\-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six\\-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, **'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''** " +23602,0,I work at a multi-billionaire international company I love working at McDonalds! +23603,1,What is the average lifespan of an owl? A little over 6 books. +23604,8,"A man wakes hungover A man wakes up in his bed with a terrible hangover. He looks to his bedside table and finds some ibuprofen and a glass of water. He glances around the bedroom and sees that it is cleaner than usual and his work clothes are laid out. He pops the ibuprofen and washes it down with water, and finds a note stuck to the bottom of the glass. ""Hey, honey, I ran to the store, there's breakfast downstairs, I'll be right back XOXO."" Upon getting dressed and getting his wits, he goes downstairs to find that everything is immaculate. He enters the dining room to find his son at the table eating breakfast, on the table is a buffet of eggs, bacon, pancakes, fruit, yogurt, the whole nine yards. Still foggy and hungover, he plops down at the table, glances around at the pristine home. His son asks, ""How are you feeling?"" ""What the hell happened last night?"" ""Well, you came home, stumbling drunk. You knocked on your own door, waking everyone up. You knocked over, not one, but TWO bookcases. You also puked all over yourself while you were puking into the litter box. You were a total mess."" Dumbfounded and glancing around, he asked, ""then what is all of this? The food, everything is clean, I'm confused..."" ""Oh, yeah, well, mom was trying to take your puke covered clothes off and put you to bed, and as she was taking your pants off, you yelled, 'GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, WOMAN!!! I'M A MARRIED MAN!""" +23605,2,The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself. +23606,0,"Trump for President 2016 Right, guys?" +23607,1,"What's difference between a nun in Church and one in Cemetery late night? One is the nun, other is the bus driver. ^Ok, I'm sorry, I'm out." +23608,0,How do you get away with having sex with 18 year olds? Apparently just say ten as teen +23609,0,"I dont have a very good relationship withmy calendar After every Tuesday, it always says WTF" +23610,4,"If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought... ooh, a dollar!" +23611,2,"Trump did great, but... ...imagine how much he would have won by if Clinton hadn't rigged the election." +23612,1,"An ion walks into a bar... A waitress comes over and the ion orders a whiskey. Time passes and people come and go. The ion is now on his fifth drink and is becoming increasingly erratic. The waitress brings over another round, but this time the ion tries to slap her on the ass as she leaves. That's it for you, hon, she says as she slams down the check. What, you're going to charge me? says the ion." +23613,2,Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris? He was declared to be in Seine. +23614,1,Why did Bach have to sell his kidney? Cause he was baroque +23615,0,When did you realize that your mom is a milf? When Mr.neighbor becomes your third father +23616,0,"I would move to Mexico if Trump wins, But I would never be able to come back. " +23617,2,What do you call it when a woman is on her period? Ovary Acting. +23618,1,My dick isn't a big or a small; it's a medium. It gets much larger when a female ghost floats by. Edit: This is oddly controversial for a silly joke... Guess that's what I get for OC +23619,3,Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! +23620,0,What kind of pencils do toilets use? Number 2 pencils +23621,2,I heard that people who live in Florida are some of the most untrusting people in the country... Maybe that's why they hide their keys in the ocean. +23622,0,What do all bridges have in common People jump off them +23623,1,"As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, ""Do you want to stay here tonight?"" ""No,"" I replied, and went home. Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?" +23624,0,What does the sign outside of the brothel say Beat it. We're closed +23625,2,What do you call guys that use the pull-out method? Dads. +23626,1,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Donald Trump +23627,2,"So I realized that I'm trans a few months ago And you know what? In a lot of ways it's made life easier. Estrogen definitely causes mood swings but I feel like I've been having fewer and fewer bad days. Yep, it sure does feel easier to keep my head over the water now that I'm boyn't." +23628,2,"My girlfriend got angry at me recently after asking me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently, “in HD” wasn’t the right answer." +23629,0,My friend can bench over 250 pounds that's probably why the coach wont let him play +23630,2,What do pirates and the the kkk have in common? They both drop hard arr’s +23631,3,Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird +23632,0,Some kid came up to me in the playground today and hit me Dont worry i let it slide +23633,2,"A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego." +23634,3,What do great jokes and unvaccinated kids have in common? They both never get old. +23635,1,"Now that Game of Thrones is ending, you know who my dad thinks should write pirate books? George ""Arrre Arrre"" Martin I'm sorry." +23636,1,Did you hear about the cheese trucks that collided in France? The only thing left at the scene was debrie +23637,0,Why did Chicken DEATH cross the road? To get to the other scythe... (and a million Terry Pritchett fans sharpen their knives) +23638,4,Friend told me an oldie: What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells +23639,0,I figured out why homosexual men are called gay Imagine how happy you'd be having a meaningful conversation and sex with the same person. +23640,3,"Astrological signs are a great way to see if two people are compatible. For instance, if you volunteer your astrological sign in conversation, we can’t be friends." +23641,0,"There is a race between a skull and a small butt one's clearly ahead, the other's a little behind" +23642,0,What did the physics professor shout when he disproved Hooke's Law in early to mid March? Spring break! +23643,4,What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? ​ ​ You can’t take a joke. +23644,1,"I used to sit in front of the trombones in band I would keep both my sheet music, as well as theirs, so I knew when to duck." +23645,0,How do you know that a Russian Oligarch is serious about a deal? He went to Jared. +23646,0,"A black man walks into the ""No lights"" club. Bartender shouts ""Hey! Who left the door open!?""" +23647,1,"A drunk guy rings at my door, it’s 3am... So a drunk guy rings at my door and it is 3am. I go at the door, open it and ask, a bit irritated: « What is this about ? » The guy replies: « I am stuck there, you have to push me » I: « Dude, you stand here drunk at my door, I don’t know you and it is 3am, do you really think I am going to help push you? » and slams the door. I go back to bed and my wife asks what happened. After the explanation she claims « you are really unfriendly, that poor guy is stuck there and you won’t even help him, you’ve been in similar situations already and would have appreciated some help, I really don’t recognize you.. » I: « we don’t know the guy and moreover he’s drunk » She: « well, this is still a person in need and you won’t help him.. » I really start to get remorse and finally decide I will go help the guy. I go out again and ask out loud: « OK, I will help, where are you?» The drunk guy : « I am here, on the swing »" +23648,1,"My friend Billy... My friend Billy, Had an eight foot willy, dragged along the kitchen floor. His girl thought it was a snake, and whacked it with a rake and now it's only three foot four." +23649,3,"Little Johnny’s Story With A Moral One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. ""My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."" When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, ""Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."" Little Lucy went next. ""My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.""; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, ""Don't count your chickens before they hatch."" Next up was little Johnny. ""My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."" The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. ""Well,"" Johnny replied, ""Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.""" +23650,4,"What did the son reply when his mother asked if he needed a drive to his yoga class? ""Nah, ma, stay""" +23651,0,My Home Town Is Io Small That our crazy cat lady only has one cat. +23652,2,"I was golfing with my wife when on the 7th hole... my ball landed right behind an old shed. The windows were busted out and my wife said ""You're pretty good I bet you could put it right through the windows and it would roll right up to the green"". So I tried and it ricocheted off the building and killed my wife. A year later I was golfing with a buddy and my ball landed in almost the same spot. My friend said ""why don't you try and put it through the window. I looked at him and said ""ABSOLUTELY NOT! last time I tried that I got a double bogy!"" " +23653,0,Bnag bang out of order +23654,1,"Orange Johnson So a guy goes to the doctor because his penis is bright orange. The doctor examines him and says, ""I've never seen anything like this before. Are you under a lot of stress at work?"" Guy says, ""No."" Doctor says, ""If you don't mind my asking, what do you do for a living?"" Guy says, ""Actually, I don't have a job. I'm independently wealthy."" Doctor says, ""So what do you do all day?"" Guy says, ""I just sit around watching porno movies and eating Cheetos.""" +23655,0,"An MI6 Agent, a CIA Agent, and a KGB Agent are all sent to a week-long retreat at a specialized training facility... " +23656,2,What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ? Carlos. +23657,0,How can you tell King Solomon liked cheese and writing scripture by himself? Because he preferred to Prov.alone +23658,5,"A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had... So he asked his border collie to count them from him. The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer. ""So how many sheep do I have?"" Asked the farmer. ""40"" said the border collie. ""How can there be 40?"" Asked the farmer. ""I only bought 38."" The dog replies, ""I rounded them up.""" +23659,4,Break a mirror and get 7 years of bad luck... Break a condom and get 18 +23660,4,[Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before swallowing +23661,2,"A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle The bartender says, ""Hey buddy, what are you doing?"" And the blind man says, ""Don't mind me, I'm just looking around.""" +23662,7,"People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint, You have to say ""Leeroy, please paint my fence.""" +23663,1,Why are books about mushrooms so confusing? They have too many different morels. +23664,1,What so you think about sausages? I think that's the wurst food ever. +23665,2,Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months! +23666,2,This goes out to the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run! +23667,3,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered six offender. +23668,1,What fo you call a russian tree Dimitri +23669,1,"What's the purpose of propellers on a plane? To keep the captain cool. If they stop spinning, he starts to sweat." +23670,0,"Person X ""will go down in history"", I immediately think of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer....... And Jenny from school who would also go down in history..... class. Or so rumor had it. Well Glen said she did, but Glen was so full of it, even his eyes were brown. " +23671,0,What could have saved George Michael's life? The Wham-bulance. +23672,2,What do you call a pissing contest? A piss off +23673,1,I hung up the tracking map of the storm targeting Florida. It is a Portrait of Dorian's Way. +23674,2,"What did one snowman say to the other? ""It smells like carrots""" +23675,0,What do you call a chinese jew? Oriental Cooking +23676,0,The United lawsuit will be a draggy case. +23677,2,Why are redditors bad demolitionists? They never expect things to blow up. +23678,1,"Yo momma is so old.. In her history class, they just wrote down what they were doing." +23679,4,What do Mexicans use to cut their pizzas? little caesars. +23680,0,I'm thinking about taking my girlfriend out for a dinner Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend? +23681,6,"A black man asks a white man where the colored printer is. The white man smiles and says, ""My friend, in this day and age, you can use any printer.""" +23682,1,What do you call a man standing on your front porch? Mat +23683,1,"Why are United passengers like a bag of mixed nuts? Occasionally, one's a salted." +23684,1,Why did the banker bee go to prison? Embuzzlement! You're damn right +23685,0,Come to Crab's Joe Shack We have Stu. +23686,4,An entire industry has just collapsed Virgin coconut oil is no more a thing. +23687,4,Trump chose his Secretary of Defence But who will be Secretary of De Wall? +23688,0,There is an upcoming game where you build rollercoasters in Nazi Germany It is called Holocauster Tycoon +23689,0,Why did Margaret Thatcher hate the Trade Unions? Because they include u and i but not her. +23690,1,How do you reunite the Beatles? With two bullets. +23691,0,"After Billy Mays' passing, I found out he was a user of cocaine. These are lies. He was clean! He was oxiclean!" +23692,0,What comes after 69? Mouthwash +23693,5,I'll never forget my grandfather's last words Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!! +23694,1,"A man had a communist wife Man : I am sorry honey, I ....... Wife : There is no I. There is only we. Man : Ok, we fucked your sister." +23695,2,"Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there. They wait a while......nothing. They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next. They wait a while.....still nothing. They look around and spot an engine block. They both push the heavy engine block into the well. They wait a while....then BANG! A loud crash is heard. Right when they're about to move on through the woods, a goat comes sprinting past them and dives into the well. While looking at each other and down the well in shock a farmer runs up to them. ""Excuse me, I left my goat around here, do you know where it went?"" ""You're goat's crazy, sir!"" One of the boys starts explaining. ""It sprinted and dived into this well here!"" The farmer looked at the boys, puzzled. ""But...that's impossible. I tied it to an engine block.""" +23696,2,"...And Jesus said to Peter, ""Come fourth, and you shall receive eternal glory!"" But Peter came fifth, and had to eat the biscuit." +23697,0,"Did u hear about the two million people that died in the Middle East? It's awful, 2 milllion dead. Everyone is helping out though. The Aussies are sending loads of beef, New Zealand is sending sheep and London is sending Muslims." +23698,2,Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan. +23699,4,I hate it when people call me average It's really mean +23700,0,Why didn't Rick Astley get a job as a waiter in an ice cream restaurant? Because he's never gonna run around and dessert you +23701,0,Knock Knock *Who's there?* Europe! *Europe Who?* I'm not a poo - you're a poo! +23702,4,"A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol. He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: if you drink whisky you won't get worms." +23703,1,"There're only 10 types of people in the world ... those that understand binary, and those who don't." +23704,0,"A man is calling up his favourite prostitute... The ""pimp"" makes the deal and they decide on next Wednesday at 8pm, when the man's wife is out. Wednesday rolls around and there's a knock at the door. The man opens the door expecting his favourite and regular girl, but to his surprise its a different female. ""Who are you?"" Says the man. ""Oh, I'm the substitute"" " +23705,0,Why did the udon get pulled over? Cuz he wasn't soba!! (OC) +23706,0,"Last night I dreamt of a walk on a beautiful sandy beach, At least that explains the footsteps in my cats litter box this morning." +23707,0,I love to squeeze my girlfriend when she is on her period. She is like my little ketchup packet . +23708,0,I knew a guy named Richard... He's a dick. +23709,0,A roman viking go to a bed shop and ask for V king-size bed. +23710,2,is it lonely in here? or is it just me? +23711,2,"How many horny perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out!" +23712,5,I hear cancer is hard to beat No one got past stage 4. +23713,2,"valantines day is coming up, so I thought id try something I haven't tried before in the bedroom my right hand " +23714,0,"Doctor and patient Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."" " +23715,0,the best part about arguing with family make up sex +23716,0,How do you make a meat loaf? Send it on vacation. +23717,0,A Piece of Advice Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. +23718,1,"Why were the locals dissapointed when an old, decrepit, broken down bus rolled into an Egyptian town? They wished it was Anubis." +23719,4,Some one has stolen my thesaurus. I can't find the words to describe how angry i am. +23720,0,"Pharmacy A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said ""this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"" The pharmacist said ""Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."" When she returned, she said, ""the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.""" +23721,2,How do we call an old ISIS terrorist? A boomer. +23722,0,How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram +23723,3,"A man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, ""Hi there, how's it going tonight?"" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, ""I'll screw anybody at any time, any where... your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."" The guy raises his eyebrows and says, ""Really? What law firm do you work for?"" " +23724,0,"I got an email about pork, ham, and preservatives. It was spam." +23725,1,Yo mama so dumb She thought innuendo was an Italian suppository. +23726,0,I learnt the 3 Rs when I was younger. Reading and Writing. +23727,1,If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U Cuz U are blocking the TV +23728,0,"What's the difference between a Model S and Model T? One is very angry, to the point it explodes in parking garages." +23729,0,50% of schizophrenic people Are 100% of schizophrenic people +23730,2,"Statistically, older people are the most common carriers of AIDS... Hearing Aids, Walking Aids, Seeing Aids..." +23731,0,I just found out Canada isn't real... ... turns out it was all mapleleaf. +23732,0,"Why did ""The Land Before Time"" movie series have their insurance denied? Their policy doesn't cover pre-existing conditions" +23733,4,This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club I'm not sure how; I've never met herbivore +23734,0,Is it odd That one of my testicles is larger than the other 2? +23735,0,"A bishop walks into the Pope's chamber... As the Pope turns to him, the bishop says, ""Sir, I have received both good and bad news, if you care to hear."" The Pope says, ""Of course. Let's hear the good news first."" ""Well, it seems that Jesus has come again."" The Pope's face lit up as he said, ""That's wonderful! Simply magnificent! What could possibly be so bad about that?"" ""Well, the call came from Utah..."" This might go better on r/exmormon" +23736,2,What is the difference between a physical therapist and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. +23737,8,"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room. ""Thanks Grandpa!"" ""Why did you call me Grandpa?"" ""Because I couldn't find it yesterday.""" +23738,4,Dracula walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender (confused): What's the Hotwater for? Dracula *pulls out a tampon*: I'm having tea. +23739,0,Peter Pfeffer doesn't nut. he starburstes. +23740,3,"My wife took off her clothes last night and said, ""what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"" I said, ""your sense of humour""" +23741,0,Did you hear about the rusted Apple Watch that was sturdy but possessed? There was NO CORROSION! It was a RUGGED WATCH HAUNT! +23742,0,My therapist posta pics of hot girls on his social media every day.. That gives me my 'Thot of the day' +23743,0,Paper straws suck. And so does every other straw. Thats literally what they're for. +23744,0,Why is Iron Man a woman? Because he's Fe Male +23745,1,"A joke I love to tell to girls: What's grey, loves the water, and lives in Washington D.C. The Presidential Seal" +23746,0,"A new element was discovered Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible. “What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?” Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of absolute zero, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion... “0 K Boomer”" +23747,0,"Sammy the sheep said to his friend Sherman, ""Sorry, man. I gave it to your girlfriend right in the butt the other night while you were off grazing."" Sherman looked back at Sammy, hurtful tears in his eyes, and cried... ""Ewe asshole!""" +23748,0,"I was walking past a supermarket earlier when I was walking past a supermarket earlier when this gorgeous big titted blonde came running around the corner with a handful of shopping and crashed right into me. ""I'm so sorry!"" she exclaimed. ""Don't be silly,"" I replied, ""it was an accident."" ""Aw, thanks for being so understanding.""  ""Not at all, let me give you a hand picking up your shopping."" I said with a smile. ""What a gentleman. Thank you so much."" ""No problem at all. Would you like a hand bringing it back to your car?"" I asked. ""That is incredibly nice of you, but I'm being picked up in a minute by my husban-"" Before she could finish the sentence I threw the bags in her face and shouted, ""Carry your own fucking shopping then, you clumsy bitch" +23749,1,I asked Chris Christie if he was going to run for president in 2020 He said he'd cross that bridge when he got there. +23750,0,What did the cock say to the balls? Dude do you work? You’re always hanging around +23751,2,"There was once a dog who wanted to be a bear.... Every day since early childhood, the dog would daydream about being a bear. One day, the dog was strolling through the forest when he encountered a bear. Delighted, the dog asked the bear to convert him into bearhood. The bear thought about it for a bit and agreed. He'd help the dog become a bear. He skinned an old bear that had just died and dressed the dog in the bear skin. He offered the dog an important piece of advice - whatever you do and wherever you go, always remember that us bears are not like you dogs who greet each other's ass! Us bears kiss each other on the face! And so the dog-turned-bear and the bear parted ways. The dog-turned-bear became very good at greeting each and every bear with the traditional bear hug and kiss on the face. One day, the dog-turned-bear meets up with the original bear. He's about to greet him with the traditional bear hug and kiss on the face when the bear tells him... Listen here buddy, I know who you are, you can kiss my ass! " +23752,0,What do you call a sidewalk bum outside CBGB? A Steampunk. This is a grate joke. +23753,5,People say vegans are annoying But I've never had any beef with them. +23754,0,The baker started putting pickles in his bread. When I asked why he said his wife wanted a dill-dough. +23755,1,Hey girl are you Bitcoin? Because you look like you’re about to crash and I’ll get screwed +23756,5,"Sex positions Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, “I think rodeo would have to my favorite”. The other one says, “I’ve never heard of that one, what is it?” So the first guy says, “You sit on your wife’s back with your hands on her boobs and say, ‘these feel just like your sister’s’ and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds”." +23757,1,"Easter Joke A Buddhist, Hindu, and atheist die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, ""Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the true faith, but the good news is you can still get into heaven if you can correctly answer a question."" He turns to the atheist and asks, ""What is the meaning of Easter?"" The atheist responds, ""Oh that's easy! That's when that rabbit gives eggs to kids!"" A trapdoor opens beneath the atheist, and he falls into the flames of hell. St. Peter turns to the Hindu and again asks, ""What is the meaning of Easter?"" The Hindu nervously answers, ""Is that when the fat man in a red suit brings toys to children."" Again a trapdoor opens and he banishes into the smoke and brimstone. Finally, St. Peter asks the Buddhist, ""What is the meaning of Easter?"" The Buddhist ponders for a second before answering slowly and solemnly. ""Great teacher, Jesus, comes to earth preaching a message of peace and love, but He is betrayed. Jesus is nailed to a cross and dies. His disciples carry His body and place it into a hole. After 3 days He rises, and if He sees His shadow you have 2 more weeks of winter. """ +23758,0,I really know how to please a woman. I can watch sports and listen to my wife at the same time. +23759,0,Why doesn't Hitler take cabs? +23760,2,What do you call a jewish gym-goer? A Hebro +23761,1,"A pirate can name a bay ""Booty Bay"" and nobody bats an eye... But when I name an alley ""Anal Alley"", suddenly I'm a creep." +23762,3,"A baby is born in a poor family... ...they wanted to get the baby measured but as they were so poor they didn't posses any measuring device. Luckily the father got the idea that the local tailor surely has a tape measure. Tailor agreed to measure baby for free but insisted to take the baby to the back of the shop so the baby doesn't stain his expensive cloth. After a few moments he comes back and says to the father: ""The baby is exactly twenty inches long."" After that the proud father wanted his baby weighted, but as the family was so poor he had no scales. Then father got another brilliant idea - the butcher must have scales! So he decided to get the baby weighted there. The butcher agreed to weight the baby for free but insisted to get the baby to the back of the shop where he had more precise scales. The father agreed so the butcher took the child to the back of the shop. After few minutes butcher comes back and says proudly to the father: ""Five pounds without bones!"" PS: Sorry for my poor English." +23763,2,Girlfriend: Your dick is so soft and smooth! Me: thanks! I've been moisturizing it daily for years. +23764,7,"I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs." +23765,4,I know Mexican judo Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun. +23766,2,What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca? Islamic pentameter +23767,3,"Two Americans decide to open a bunjee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up in the middle of a small village where they gather all the locals to preform a demonstration. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches. Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, ""Holy crap, what happened? Was the cord too long?"" Bob looks confused and says, ""No, the cord was fine... but what the fuck is a piñata?""" +23768,0,An alien broke out from Area 51 and started devouring all the homeless people nearby. One could say it has poor taste. +23769,0,What sound would Donald Trump make at the bottom of the ocean? Billions of people cheering. +23770,0,Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms? They keep falling through the holes in his hands. +23771,4,"The Old Coffin A man was walking home one day after a long day of work. As he was walking, he came up on a old coffin laying on the side of the trail. He thought it was odd because it was a old pine box coffin and he had never seen one in person before. The man shrugged it off and kept walking. The man kept walking and soon came upon another coffin of the same style! The man said, ""Wow, I've never seen one in person before, but now here is two of them in one day! It's almost as if the coffin is following me!."" The man walks away from the coffin laughing. A little later, the man finds ANOTHER coffin, but this one is standing up and the lid facing him. He looks at it and keeps walking. As he walks past it, he hears something moving. He turns around to see that the coffin is facing him. He goes back to the coffin and stands in front of it. He takes one side step. The coffin then scoots over one step. The man takes three steps away, the coffin takes three scoots toward him. The man takes off, sprinting towards his house with the coffin scooting close behind. The man gets to his house and slams the door shut. He hides in his living waiting for the coffin. *knock* *knock* *knock* The man knows it's the coffin at his door. The knocks get louder and louder. Suddenly, the door bursts open, the coffin standing in the open doorway. The man take S off running through his house, thinking where to hide. He says to himself, ""Where can I hide?! OOH I know, my bathroom! It's the only door with a lock!"" The man goes to his bathroom and locks the door. The man starts frantically digging through his bathroom looking for something to use as a weapon. ""Maybe there is something in the medicine cabinet,"" he says.he can hear the coffin getting closer. He opens his medicine cabinet and starts digging through it. ""Nope aspirin won't do, anti biotics either... WAIT! IVE GOT IT!"" the man says. The man grabs the cough syrup out of his medicine cabinet. Then he rushes to his bathroom door, unlocks it, and rushes out the door. Ten feet out the door is the coffin. The man looks at the coffin and then throws the cough syrup at it. The coffin stopped..." +23772,1,"My friend was having a party, and rented some festive porta-potties. They started leaking and smelled, so everyone had to leave. The party poopers became the party poopers." +23773,0,"I was at the doctor's office the other day And as he was looking in my ears he said ""you've got the cleanest ears I've ever seen!"" I said if he thought that was impressive he should look up my nose. " +23774,0,What do you call a black-hating Asian-American who's really cute and likes big pointy hats? KKKawaii +23775,1,For ethical reasons I started to only eat vegetables surprisingly their meat doesn't taste that bad! +23776,6,Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car... She asked me if I could drive :-( Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield +23777,0,"My wife asked me last night ""Is that your bagel dough in the fridge?"" I said, ""yes, it is."" " +23778,5,"These three spies get captured one day - a French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy. Their captors come into the cell where the spies are being held, grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors then throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy says, "" I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands!""" +23779,1,How do you give a dollar to a stripper from the future....? You pay her in ButtCoin. +23780,0,"Never, under any circumstances take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time." +23781,6,"[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ... A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong. ""My girlfriend just broke up with me because I'm too kinky,"" he replied. ""You're kidding"" she says, ""That's the exact same reason my boyfriend just broke up with me."" They drink a little more and eventually she suggests they go back to her place. ""We clearly have a lot in common so let's go get kinky together,"" she says. He happily agrees. They get back to her place and she tells him to wait there while she goes to slip into something a little more comfortable. She goes upstairs and opens up her collection of dominatrix accessories: thigh high leather boots, nipple clamps, whips, chains, handcuffs, ball gags, dildos - the works. She gets dressed and walks downstairs just in time to see him putting on his coat getting ready to leave. ""Where are you going? I thought we were gonna get kinky?"" ""Look lady, I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse. I'm outta here.""" +23782,1,Man Bear Pig isn't real. It's just an ALleGOREy. +23783,1,I'm tired of people dissin Arabs like wtf they don't all make bombs..... They make slurpees too. +23784,0,"Ray Charles walks into a bar ""Ouch!"" he exclaims, before moving to the side and continuing his journey." +23785,1,It's so cold... Harvey Weinstein is keeping his hands to himself. +23786,4,You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on water If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: buoyant +23787,1,Did you hear about the depressed man going on a cross country road trip? He's weeping the nation. +23788,2,"Tiger woods I just got married and as I was laying in bed about to make love to my new wife she said to me,”honey I have to tell you I have made love before tonight.” I said,”who was this with?” She said,” with Tiger Woods.” I said, “ohhhhkkkk then.” I can accept that. Despite this profound news I went on to make love to my wife. Once I finished I got up and was walking to the hotel room phone and my wife said,”what are you doing ?” I said I am going to call room service. She said,”oh don’t yet please. Come and make love to me again.” Weill off I went and I made love to my wife again. Once we had finished I walked towards the phone again. Again my wife pleaded with me to ignore room service and make love to her again. So I did the right thing and made love again. Again once we finished I made my way to the phone. “Are you going to call for room service?” Asked my wife. “No.” I said “I’m calling Tiger woods and asking him what is par for this hole.”" +23789,0,"Ben and Jerry were friends in college... Ben and Jerry were friends in college. Two stoners with big ideas about peace, love and understanding. Mostly, of course, they’d just get high in their dorm room on some pills that Jerry would concoct and eat snacks that Ben would whip together. Then college ended and the two drifted apart. Moved to different towns and lost contact. Just how it goes sometimes. It is a couple of years onward and Ben is walking down the street. Life isn’t going too well. He is out of a job and out of purpose. He pulls his jacket tighter in the cold autumn wind. All of a sudden this big ass limousine is honking its horn behind him. ”Wtf!” exclaims Ben, as the car pulls up to him and the back door opens. ”What kind of douchebag drives around in a limousine honking the horn like that”. ”Ben!” shouts a familiar voice from the back seat. Wouldn’t you know, it’s Jerry! ”Come inside old friend! Long time no see!” Jerry is sitting in the limousine with a big entourage. The champagne is flowing and it’s clear who the sugar daddy of the party is: Jerry. Jerry the slacking hippie from college. Ben cannot believe his eyes. So after a couple friendly glasses of catching up he asks his former bff: ”Jerry I’ve gotta ask, what happened? In college you were mostly into smoking pot and eating ice cream and now….this!?” ”Well��� responds Jerry. ”You know it wasn’t long ago I was working a dead end job and feeling really miserable. But then one day I decided to do something with my life. Tap into the great american entrepreneurial spirit and start a company.” ”Ok, that sounds cool I guess” answers Ben. ”But so what did you do to become this successful?” ”Well, you know how I’ve always had a knack for mixing with pills? Yeah so I invented a pill that when eaten by a chick, makes her pussy tastes of ice cream!” ”You’re kidding!” Shouts Ben. You’re THAT guy!? I read about that! And so the night goes on and the two former friends party like they’re back in college. They get high, they have a few laughs and come morning they say their goodbyes and wow to hook up again in the future. At least they try, but you know how it goes. Time passes and friendships fade. A couple of years onward a man is walking down the street. He pulls his jacket tighter in the cold autumn wind. It’s Jerry. Gone are his fortunes and his good mood. Turns out pills that makes chicks pussy taste ice cream was just a fad. Pair that with some stupid investments and an unsustainable lifestyle and Jerry is now as broke as when he started. Out of money and out of purpose. ”Honk! Honk!” Jerry turns around. The biggest, fanciest limousine that has ever been seen is driving down the street. ”Wtf!” exclaims Jerry ”What kind of douchebag….” ”Jerry my friend, long time no see, come inside!”. Wouldn’t you know it, it’s Ben! Ben is sitting with a huge entourage inside a jacuzzi inside the limo. Jerry cannot believe his eyes. The most expensive champagne is flowing and everybody is having a good time on Bens dime. So Jerry hops in the jacuzzi and shares a drink with his old friend. ”But Ben, I’ve gotta ask” says Jerry. ”Last time I saw you things weren’t that great, you were poor as a pine cone, what happened?” ”Well funny you should ask” replies Ben. ”You see, after I saw you in your limo all those years ago, I said to myself: If Jerry can make something of himself, so can I! And so remember how I always had a knack for whipping up the best desserts?” ”Sure” replies Jerry ”You where the best back in college.” ”Yeah, well so I thought long and hard what product I could make that would make me rich” says Ben. ”And then one day I got it: so I invented ice cream that tastes pussy!” " +23790,7,"There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them." +23791,2,Why does Jeffrey Epstein only date 23 year olds Because there's 20 of them. +23792,2,"The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day.. .. The Father asks angrily: ""Son, where have you been for such a long time?"" Son replies: ""Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore!"" The father in relaxed tone: ""Son, sit down and tell me the whole story"". The son replies: ""Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!""" +23793,8,What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito? Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her +23794,0,How did Han Solo survive outdoors on Hoth at night? By keeping Luke warm. +23795,1,If Cardi B owned an automobile store what would it be called. A Cardi-lership +23796,0,"Request: Clean, simple jokes for tweens? Hi! So I'm an ESL teacher and tomorrow it's my last day of class with my students! They are 10-12 years old and have quite a basic level of English (they can understand normal, every-day speech but not sophisticated puns and so on). I've organised a joke contest and so far they've told quite a lot of them. Their favourites were those: \\-John, why are you doing your multiplications on the floor? \\-Because the teacher told us not to use the tables! A man is walking around a mall with pencils in his ear. An old lady says ""Excuse me, you've got some pencils in your ear!"" and he replies ""sorry I can't hear you I've got some pencils in my ear"" \\-What do a kangaroo and a carrot have in common? They can't ride a bike. Any more ideas?" +23797,1,If trees had dogs... Would their bark be bigger than their bite. +23798,3,Why do blind people hate sky diving? It scares their dogs +23799,0,In honor of Finland's 100th Birthday How do you tell a extroverted Finn? He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you. +23800,1,I hate when people use “fewer” when the should use “less.” But it’s bothering me fewer and fewer. +23801,9,"As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: ""5 lamb chops, please."" As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: ""5 lamb chops, please."" Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the ""stop"" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: ""What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"" The owner responds, ""Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!" +23802,0,Arya Stark: The North Remembers. Theon Greyjoy: My south remembers. +23803,0,"With what's happening in Brasil before the olympics, russians are all gonna be... Zika Blyat" +23804,2,"Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, ""I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!""" +23805,1,"What do a schizophrenic and psychopath share in common? I don’t know, I’m asking for a friend" +23806,0,"I asked my girlfriend to tie the knot She said no, ew" +23807,4,What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs You're high ness +23808,1,"What did Donald Trump say to the guy who immolated himself in front of Trump tower? ""You're fired!""" +23809,2,(OC) Why do rappers wear so much fake fur onstage? Faux show. +23810,0,What is a biblical plot line in a piece of fiction called? Noah's Arc. +23811,5,Why are New Yorkers so depressed?? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. +23812,3,I can't stand Russian dolls. So full of themselves. +23813,2,My ex girlfriend is going to make some guy very happy one day. And fucking miserable the rest of the time. +23814,1,"A customer leaves a review at a German restaurant. The review: It's not bad, it's the wurst!" +23815,6,"Old but good Two Italian me get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."" ""You foul-mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"" ""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."" " +23816,1,What do you call a league of battling plants? Phyte club. Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny. +23817,9,"Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky" +23818,0,"A guy was cruising in his new Ferrari. While cruising, he saw an old man sitting in an old Lada with a hood open. He felt sad for the old man and pulled over, and went to ask what was wrong. ""Well I don't know, but everything is broken except my blinkers."" The guy felt bad for the old man and offered to tow the car out. Afterall he had one of the most powerful cars. ""Thank you, but I am old man and need to pull over many times for toilet while driving, and I am not sure what to do if the car brakes down even more while towing."" The guy was puzzled but got an idea. ""Well I will be watching you from the mirrors. If you need to go to the toilet, use the left blinker. If there is something wrong with the car, just use the right one."" The old man agreed and off they went. After a while a Porsche passed them very fast. Having the Ferrari the guy got furious and without thinking floored it ans started to chase the Porsche while towing the old man and Lada behind. At the same time, the old man started to grow an urgent need for a toilet stop, so he put on the blinker to the left. The guy driving the Ferrari did not notice this and kept on pressing for the Porsche. Just as the guy was on the start of the long straight and about to start to pass the Porsche they ran to police radar tailing each other. The police handling the radar scattered for police radio and yelled to the radio: ""You won't believe what I saw!"" And an answer from radio: ""What now?"" ""There's a Porsche and Ferrari heading your way driving 162 mph!"" ""So what? Thats the daily routine for us with these sports cars."" ""Well yeah, but this is the first time that a Lada is following them and even signalling for a pass!"" " +23819,0,"Trump's brain got two sides on the left side there is nothing right, on the right side there is nothing left" +23820,0,Big Spender I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife. +23821,1,What do you call a primitive man who like leisurely strolls? A meanderthal. +23822,2,Everytime you think you've mentioned a book or article that nobody on this website have heard about... It turns out that they've already Reddit. +23823,0,"The next time Bryan Singer makes a movie, there should be a disclaimer at the end of the film. ""No kids were harmed in the making of this film.""" +23824,8,"Having gay parents must be horrible You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of ""go ask your mom""" +23825,1,"Santa is like my father I still believe he exists, even though I've never seen him" +23826,1,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prince +23827,3,"I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma. Needless to say, she was speechless." +23828,4,"A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother Mom: ""What'd you do in school today?"" Daughter: ""We learned all about the male reproductive organs"" Mom: ""Oh, and what else?"" Daughter: ""Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"" " +23829,1,"The other day I saw a boy eating a lot of chocolate on a bus. The other day I saw a boy eating a lot of chocolate on a bus. I told him:""Stop! Eating too much chocolate is bad for your health and makes you fat!"" He looked up and said:""My grandpa has lived for 95 years and he is still well and healthy, you know."" ""Do you mean that this is because he eat a lot of chocolate?"" ""No, this is because he doesn't mind other people's business.""" +23830,0,Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can count the number of corners in a circle. +23831,0,What’s a cannibal’s favorite restaurant? Chick filet +23832,2,"Sir, You have a bladder infection What's That?? ""Urine Trouble, Sir""" +23833,0,"At The Hospital I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria when the doctor approached me. ""I'm afraid your wife didn't make it,"" he said. ""I can tell Doc,"" I replied. ""This sandwich is gorgeous.""" +23834,2,I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror. I know my wife would never think to look there. +23835,1,"I've been trying to find somewhere less focused on 'me too"" and more on ""you too"". But i still haven't found what i'm looking for.." +23836,3,"A woman boarded a bus carrying her baby. ""Ugh,"" said the bus driver. ""That is the *ugliest* baby I have ever seen."" Furious, the woman stormed down the aisle and took a seat. ""What's wrong, lady?"" Asked the man next to her. ""That driver just insulted me!"" ""Well you go up there and you tell him off! Here - I'll hold your monkey.""" +23837,0,What happens when you eat roadkill? You are what you eat. +23838,0,What's the best part about having a baby? Making it. +23839,0,"Mid-afternoon snacking was not as detrimental to my dieting as I thought, In the other hand though, the mid-snacking snacking . . ." +23840,2,What do you call a stupid vampire? Can’t count Dracula +23841,0,What did the esthetician say to the rude customer demanding a free eyebrow job? I just don't give a pluck. +23842,0,"“I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.” “Sorry? Why are you sorry? I hate stalkers!”" +23843,2,What's it called when you beat your eastern European friend at strategy board games. Czech Mate +23844,0,"What did one hotdog stand say to the other hotdog stand? Eyyyy, Garry, didn't know you turned into a hotdog stand too! Eyyyy!" +23845,2,What did the Zen Buddhist say to his dog ? Nama ! Stay . +23846,8,"Why is ""Dark"" spelled with a K, and not a C ? Because you can’t C in the dark. " +23847,0,My girlfriend is 6'2 and I'm 5'9.. She has to bend down to kiss me. I guess I'm in a long distance relationship. +23848,1,Conor McGregor should go back to plumbing He loves taps +23849,1,"Penguin in the South There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. ""Ew! But it sure is hot!"" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy. Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale. ""Whew!"" he sighed. As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. ""Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"" Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! ""Hurray and yippy!"" he cried! ""I'll be back, toot sweet!"" he said. He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him! ""Yummy! That was very very good!"" the penguin said, smacking his lips. He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive. ""Well, it looks like you blew a seal."" ""Oh no, that's just ice cream!"" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin." +23850,3,I went Chopin but I forgot my Liszt So I'll go Bach home +23851,0,"What's the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools. " +23852,0,Why does the main character from V for Vendetta get all the girls? Because that Guy Fawkes +23853,0,What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist? A Pokémon +23854,0,What do you call a lesbian who lives in a cave? A Troglodyke +23855,5,"I have kleptomania When it gets really bad, I take something for it" +23856,2,The only thing flat earthers fear Is sphere itself +23857,0,What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? Chameleoff +23858,0,"My grandma was wondering what the cloud is... She wonders what happens when her 3 GB of data evaporates. Does it become water or 3 trillion bytes. Can she drink it? I replied by saying i don’t think it works like that. She responded confused but it’s the cloud, isn’t it water?" +23859,3,My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure. She couldn’t take it any longer. +23860,2,Why can't the skeleton have any children? Because he has a hollow weinee +23861,1,What do you call two Korean guys standing next to each other? Parallel Park +23862,0,I got a Disney figurine stuck in my ass. I went to the hospital and they just took the mickey out of me. +23863,1,What kind of dinosaur has multiple ways of saying the same thing? A Thesaurus +23864,5,"Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder The driver shits himself, swerves and narrowly misses a bus, stopping inches from a shop window. ""Fuck me, you're jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder."" ""Sorry,"" said the cabbie, ""It's my first day. I've been driving a fuckin hearse for the last 20 years""" +23865,0,What is one month in cow time? A moonar cycle +23866,1,Listening to Metal music quietly is like being a guy with no index fingers... ...Pointless. +23867,0,"How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 30, my basement is still dark. " +23868,0,"What did the drummer say to the band right before they kicked him out? “Hey, guys, I wrote a song. We should play it!”" +23869,1,Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in the crack. +23870,4,"I don’t often tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs " +23871,3,Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it. +23872,0,"Which came first, the wheel or the car? The car because the wheel isn't carry fast but the car is wheely fast." +23873,8,I saw two guys wearing the same outfit and asked them if they were gay? They arrested me. +23874,0,There are 2 types of people in this world Type 1 and type 2 +23875,3,A vegan girl came up to me and spoke as if she knew me. But I had never met herbivore. +23876,3,"James Bond's new watch A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No,"" he replies, ""Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" Bond explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What's it telling you now?"" ""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, ""Bloody thing's an hour fast.""" +23877,1,Genie: Be careful what you wish fo... Genie: Be careful what you wish fo... Me: I wish you’d just shut up already! Genie: Me: Genie: Me: Damn.... +23878,0,"A blonde walks into a bar. ""That must've hurt"", says the prison guard." +23879,1,Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of........ ## Mad-at-gas-car +23880,2,"A girl walks out of the shower She says, to her boyfriend, who was sitting on the bed: ""Baby, I'm wet"". The boyfriend responds by asking if she wants a paper towel. ""No, I want more than that"", says the girlfriend in response, with a wink. The boyfriend, still utterly clueless, asks if she wants two paper towels. ""No, I want something big and round"". The boyfriend raises both his eyebrows and surprised, says: ""Damn you want the whole roll?""" +23881,1,"Doctor: if this experimental procedure goes successfully, you will be able to see again , but “There is a side effect that you will not get an erection anymore.” The blind man was devastated and then realized that getting his sight back is more important He then asked “ is there anything you can do to get my erections back ?” Doctor “ it’s not in my hands but yours , divorce your ugly wife “ " +23882,2,"Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in? 5 year old: This one. Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?! Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people." +23883,1,What do naked muslims say when they need to work? I need a hijob. +23884,0,A new cure for lesbianism Its called tryadikagin +23885,2,"I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- “Buy it today, and you won’t make a payment for six months.” I said- “Boy! You really know me!”" +23886,0,"A guy arrives in heaven after dying, and is met with God sitting there waiting for him “This is heaven?” the guy asks. “Sure is,” says God. Looking unimpressed, the guy replies, “I thought heaven would be... well... nicer.” God, looking around at all the hard work he did to set up heaven nice and neat for this guy, thinks to himself, ‘Ugh another unappreciative bastard here to nag me about what he thought heaven would be.’ God looks back at the man and says, “Well, what were you expecting exactly?” The man replies, “Well it’s not terrible, I just thought there’d be more drugs and... women and stuff.” God sighs and says back to the man, “I’m getting sick of all you people complaining about all the hard work I’ve put into this place.” “But... heaven is supposed to be...” the man begins to say before he is quickly cut off by God, who yells out. “Listen, if you don’t like it, you can GO TO HELL!!!” " +23887,0,"If someone’s dying, who do you call? The Ghostbusters" +23888,4,Sweden runs out of trash to recycle... ... Where's PewDiePie when you need him. +23889,1,"Yo dude, you wanna go with me to yoga? NahMaStay" +23890,3,I hate when people ask how I see myself in two years I don't have 2020 vision +23891,0,What is the difference between GOD and a doctor? *GOD* doesn't think he's a **Doctor** But **Doctor** thinks they're *GOD* ​ edit: added last line as per suggestion of u/M_Class01 +23892,1,Why do programmers hate summer so much? Because it's the buggiest time of the year +23893,2,Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician? Because they always want a large sample +23894,2,Why was the condom flying through the air? Because it was pissed off. +23895,0,What does Colin Kaepernick and a heating pad have in common? Both of them can warm a bench. +23896,0,I got home tonight and couldn't do my workout Turns out the wife hid all my dumbbells She said she was trying to lose weight +23897,1,Be kind to your dentist He has fillings too. +23898,4,"A man wins a trip to meet the Pope... A man wins a trip to meet the Pope and he can barely contain himself as he is on the plane to Italy. He makes his way to the Vatican where he meets the group of 50 or so other men and women who will be meeting the Pope that day. They chat anxiously while waiting and are finally told to form a line as the Pope arrives. The man is at the back of the line. The Pope approaches the person at the front of the line and delivers them a blessing. He then slowly approaches the second in line and blesses them as well. Now the third guy in lie is a scruffy fellow, with dirty long hair and a tattered overcoat, he looks like a homeless person. When the Pope meets him, rather than just a blessing he reaches forwards and gives the scruffy man a hug, then the Pope, blessing people as he goes. The man at the back is now thinking 'well, I don't just want a blessing, I want a hug too!' so he sneaks to the front of the line and approaches the homeless man. 'I'll give you €1000 euros for your jacket' he says, the homeless man agrees and gives up his jacket. The man now hurries back to his place at the back of the line and sure enough when the Pope reaches him he pulls him close for a hug. As they're embracing the Pope leans in close and whispers: 'I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here?' " +23899,2,"Running through a campground is impossible. You can only ran, because it's past tents." +23900,0,I never lie on my CV. Wouldn't want to crease it. +23901,1,"I went on a date and we went back to her place . . . As I was going down on her, I said: Damn, you've got a big pussy! *Damn, you've got a big pussy!* She said, why did you say it twice? I told her I didn't. (Thank you, Predator)" +23902,0,The earth is bipolar I’ll let myself out +23903,1,How do you know if a person has class ? Their tattoos are spelt correctly. +23904,1,I am not passive aggressive Unlike someone +23905,2,"I just realized if you rearrange the letters in Hola, you get Aloha. It's because I'm Canadian and automatically add an eh." +23906,1,"A Man Walks into a Bar A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. 'Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it. 'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere. 'Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him why he keeps talking to him. 'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts', said the barman." +23907,2,What is a single person’s favorite meal? A ba-lonely sandwich! +23908,0,Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want the other bunnies to know he's been sleeping with the chickens. +23909,0,Why does Snoop use umbrellas? Fo drizzle +23910,2,Why do popular kids have a pH of 14 Because they are so basic! +23911,5,"The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.... His Captain yells, ""Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"" ""Well Captain"", he says, wiping blood from his face, ""I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."" ""And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"" ""And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"" ""While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck" +23912,2,"A robot walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender asks. “I need something to loosen up,” the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver." +23913,2,My girlfriend left me because of my OCD. I told her to close the door seven times on her way out. +23914,1,Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble +23915,1,What's a Dragon Ball fan's favourite food? Vegeta-bles +23916,0,Why do the vacuums have the power button at the bottom? So we have to kick it to shut up +23917,6,"Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'? A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!" +23918,5,"Because I'm British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn't be offensive Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral." +23919,5,"I once dated a girl with twelve nipples Sounds weird, dozentit?" +23920,0,I had an art teacher in school who didn't believe in deodorant boy was he an aroma to be around +23921,2,What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged. +23922,1,Man listens to lecturer who says we should carry our burdens ourselves... goes home and gives his wife a piggyback +23923,2,Yes Have you heard about time travel? +23924,3,What porn do Saudis get away with? Camel toes. +23925,3,"A man was spotted naked walking through town... The police showed up and began to question him. “Sir, why are you walking through town naked like that?!” He replies “Well I was at the beach with my wife.” “Alright... continue” the other officer says He then says “She asked me if I wanted to get naked and go to town, and I said OK!”" +23926,3,"Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound... I make my own announcemints now." +23927,2,"I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record. I said no, Is that still required?" +23928,0,"The Alchemist greets the Hero ""It's about thyme...""" +23929,0,"Water can freeze at any degree As long as it's temperature is 0°c, it should be able to freeze at any angle" +23930,1,What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a Vagina? A vagina is attatched to Bill Clintons wife +23931,4,"Whose gets to be the boss The body parts are fighting over who gets to be the leader of the body. The legs speak up and say ""we should be the boss because we are the strongest muscles and you couldn't go anywhere without us."" The eyes respond, ""we should be the boss because we see the world and without us, you wouldn't know where to go."" After much arguing the brain final chimes in ""I should be the boss because I'm the one who decides where and how we go."" All is quite until the anus announces, ""I should be the leader."" And everybody erupts in laugher and the anus tries to argue for a little while and then finally shuts up in anger. More specifically he closes up, and stays that way. Days pass and everybody starts to understand. The whole body is in pain. The legs are weak but ache at the same time. The can't see or focus well and everything is blurry. The brain can't think but is flooded with panic and discomfort. Finally they all approach the anus and concede the leadership to him because he really controls where and how the body goes. The moral of the story is that to be the boss you don't have to be the strongest or the smartest. You just have to be an asshole" +23932,0,"Jesus walks into a restaurant Waiter: Hello Jesus, what would you like to drink? Jesus: Can I please have a glass of water. Waiter: Nice try, but I know what happens when you get water. Inspired by u/Shuau_21" +23933,3,"Well, I just got a very bitter complaint that the polo mallet I sold on ebay was too short I told him to get off his high horse" +23934,3,A foolish Dutchman What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander. +23935,2,"When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer. So being young, I took it to her and said, ""Mum, what is this?"" She thought for a moment. ""It's a stick,"" she replied, ""I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."" ""Oh,"" I hesitated. ""is that why it's so brown?""" +23936,1,My favorite sex position is called 3W.. This time around your mom flips ME over +23937,1,"There was this girl I used to sleep with One night we're laying in bed, and I ask her how many people she's slept with, just out of curiosity. She said she didn't know, she doesn't keep track. I asked why not. She said ""Because it's the thot that counts""" +23938,1,"What does the gay male prostitute say after his lunch break? ""Well, back to the Grindr""" +23939,0,"Alternative to saying. I have to use the restroom. Just say, I have to go change the baby....yeah...you got it...evil genius. " +23940,3,What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun? They go into town and blow a few bucks... +23941,1,"I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, ""That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"" …doesn't exist.""" +23942,1,I beat Cancer today! It's okay though I told her I was an Aries. +23943,0,Whats the most expensive part of my body? MAH KNEEEE +23944,0,"Stop making jokes about gay guys. Come on guys. im also fucking serious guys. its so *hard* making gay jokes and hoping you wont get lower karma, butt fuck it." +23945,0,Kopi Luwak is supposed to be the finest coffee in the world. I don't agree. Its still shit! +23946,0,I don't know why people say throwing money at your problems fixes them. My girlfriend just stared blankly and left. +23947,0,"What is the difference between Necrophilia and Coprophilia One is dead sexy, the other is fucking shit." +23948,2,"I just had a breakup for being honest GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right? ME: mmm...yeah, so? GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous. ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?" +23949,5,A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night. +23950,2,What do you call a group of paralyzed hippies? Organic Vegetables. +23951,1,"An Engineering Viva Exam Students went for an Engineering Viva Exam... The first guy goes into the class, and the Professor begins the Viva with a question. ""Let's say you are traveling by train and it's getting hot. What will you do""? ""Open the window"", he answered. . Very good. The Professor continued... ""Now...The window has a surface of 1.5m². The compartment has a volume of 12m³. The train speeds 80 kph to the west. The south wind is blowing at 5 miles per second. How quickly will the space be refreshed?"" The student does not know the answer and failed the exam. He went out and told the other students the question. . The second student goes in, and the professor begins with the question... ""Let's say you are traveling by train and it's getting hot. What will you do""? ""Sir, I'll take off my coat"", answers the student. ""But it's very hot"", continued the Professor. . ""...Then I'll take off my shirt and my singlet also."" ""But it's damn hot!"", the professor adamantly insists. . ""Then I'll take off my pants and socks, sir."" ""But you can't sit naked in the train!!!! They will report you to the police"", said the angry professor. . The student confidently answered... ""Sir, whatever happens, I am not going to open that window!""" +23952,0,"About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that he went downhill fast." +23953,2,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery... He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. The monk unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk." +23954,5,Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me poor and ugly +23955,4,"Two alter boys are fishing... Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy ""Look at this big sum bitch!"" The other alter boy says ""You can't say that you're an alter boy"" to which he explains ""thats the name of the fish, sum bitch."" ""Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!"" The two boys run up to the priest yelling, ""Priest look at this big sum bitch we caught!"" Priest- ""You boys can't talk like that you're alter boys!"" Alter boys- ""Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch"" Priest- ""Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!"" So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal. ""Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!"" Cardinal- ""I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!"" Alter boys- ""Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch"" Cardinal- ""I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she'll cook up these sum bitches!"" So the alter boys, the priest and the cardinal go see the nun. ""NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!?!"" Nun- ""I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!"" Alter boys- ""Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!"" Nun- ""Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!"" That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun. Alter boys- ""I can't believe we caught all these sum bitches!"" Priest- ""These are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!"" Cardinal- ""Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!"" Nun- ""I sure did, you boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!"" The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says.......""Y'all mother fuckers are alright!""" +23956,2,Gay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys. +23957,5,"What do ""The Sixth Sense"" and ""Titanic"" have in common? Icy dead people." +23958,1,"My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but also imaginary." +23959,0,What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen? Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen. +23960,3,Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he can “Neverland” +23961,0,A man walks into a juice bar... ...and walks straight out again. He couldn't find the punch line. +23962,3,I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea He said he couldn't complain +23963,0,Bears can run at a top speed of 35mph. Usain Bolt’s top speed is 27mph. What lesson did you just learn? Never enter a race against a bear. +23964,0,TIL a woman’s vagina can have as many as 6 dicks at a time I also learned that 7 years is the punishment for gang rape +23965,2,"What'll get you higher, weed or a ladder? The latter." +23966,1,What do you call a sick nut? Casheeew! +23967,0,Did you know today is opposite day? All the BMW's on the road used their turn signals. +23968,2,"We can all agree the opposite of pro is con, right? In that case, the opposite of progress is... Congress" +23969,0,What does a woman do after leaving spousal abuse therapy? The fuckin' dishes if she knows what's good for her! +23970,1,I once dated a biker chick for a while It got quite annoying as once a month she would jump on her menstrual cycle and run me the fuck over! +23971,1,"I think that the nuclear launch codes should be kept in the hands of women, and those codes should also represent the number of sexual partners they have had. That way they will never give up the real numbers under any circumstances." +23972,0,Dallas They had 53 years to deal with their sniper problem. +23973,0,Please stay behind the yellow line... Guy misses 57 trains. +23974,0,Did you hear about the bat that got arrested? He flew into a blind rage. +23975,1,I'm never condescending That's when you talk down to people. +23976,0,What's the difference between a dead baby and a biscuit? You don't have to eat the baby if you cum the last. +23977,0,What did Michael Jackson ask Macaulay Caulking? Are you Home Alone? +23978,0,Do you know why you always see nuns in pairs? Because the 2nd nun is there to make sure the 1st nun isnt getting none.... +23979,1,Little Jimmy had a nice day. That's it. Give the kid a break. +23980,2,"Ye old merry jokes There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king? Phillip the 3rd." +23981,1,Did you hear about the cop who nearly arrested a horse thief? He missed the collar. +23982,0,If my nephew was born in a colony does that make me his ant? +23983,1,Who say's Oh oh oh? Santa Claus walking backwards. +23984,0,"The coming election may very well be historic, but I'm not sure we are asking the right question... Is America ready for a white president? " +23985,1,If i see one more Arab joke... Im gonna explode. +23986,5,I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published. It was all in vein. +23987,1,Republicans run for office by saying the government doesn't work... Then they get elected and prove it. +23988,0,"Take me to your leader....'s leader If a Third World dictator is installed and manipulated by a clandestine organization, does that mean he's a shadow puppet?" +23989,0,"An old man sits in a bar and drinks until he is aggressively drunk... An old man enters a bar, sits on a stool and asks for a drink, then another, then another and another... After a while he is clearly super drunk and can barely keep himself straight. Then, 2 enormous guys enter the bar, they are huge, and look like people you dont want to mess with, prison tattoos, quite a few scars, the works, they sit next to the old guy. The old man asks for another tequila, drinks it, turns to his right and says, not whispering ""I Fucked Your Mother"". The whole bar quiets down and turns to witness the scene, as the bad ass dude just turns to the old man, makes a ""meh"" gesture and turns away minding his own business... the bar goes back to business. The old man asks for a whiskey shot, drinks it in one go, turns to his left and says to the other guy, ""And i also fucked your mom up the ASS!!!"" burp! ... The 2 guys stand up and the old guy leaves his stool as he starts yelling ""YOUR MOTHER GARGLED WITH MY BALLS AS MY CUM DRIPPED FROM HER MOUTH!!!"" as he points to both the killer looking patrons. ""THATS IT OLD MAN!"" one of them says, ""You, again, had too much to drink Dad"". " +23990,1,What do you call a German paedophile hiding in the playground bushes? Kinder Surprise! +23991,1,"Watching porn while ruminating on the reality of the situation just makes me sad for everyone involved the girl, the guy, the other girl, the goat, both midgets, that one dude and how they used his prostetic arm, and especially the clean up crew" +23992,0,Why is the Whitehouse like a pottery studio? There are multiple firings every day! +23993,1,"Tiger Woods Goes Golfing With a Black Bear One morning, Tiger Woods goes to his usual golf course to play a morning round of 18 and notices a black bear approaching him from the woods off the first tee. Alarmed, Tiger starts to retreat when the bear casually asks Tiger what he's doing. Having never spoken to a black bear before, Tiger was a little hesitant at first but upon realizing that the bear was not a threat he tries his best to explain the game of golf to this black bear. After learning that it is a game played competitively, the bear asks to be shown how to play and wants to place a friendly wager that he could beat Tiger. Confident in his abilities to beat a rookie golfer, let alone a black bear, Tiger agrees to a one hole playoff over a piece of Fruit Stripe gum. Tiger goes first and snacks a line drive straight down the middle of the fairway. The black bear then grabs a club but as he approaches the tee box he freezes, turns to Tiger and asks, ""What do I do now?"" Wanting to be fair, Tiger points to a tree off in the distance saying ""See that tree over there, hit the ball just to the left of that on the short green grass."" The bear then tees off and hits an incredibly accurate shot, landing within 5 yards of the area Tiger had told him to aim. When the bear goes to hit his second shot, he again asks what to do, to which Tiger responds by pointing to a pond separating the fairway from the green and tells the bear to land it just short of the water. Miraculously the black bear does the impossible a second time. Astonished, but still focused on winning the wager, Tiger hits an equally exceptional shot to land just ahead of the black bears second shot. Once more, the bear has to ask what the next step of the game is to which Tiger replies, ""Ahh yes, you see the flag on the green over there? The object of the game is to get the ball into that small cup in the fewest number of shots."" The black bear, furious at this point, replies, ""WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT ON THE FIRST SHOT!"" Tl;dr: How Tiger lost his Stripes." +23994,4,"There’s a new machine down at the gym today, I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!" +23995,4,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, ""Can you all see me now?"" ""Yes."" ""Oui."" ""Si."" ""Ja.""" +23996,0,What do gay zombies say? Heeeeyyyyrrrrrrraaarrrrrgggggg. +23997,5,Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will? They were all fired at. +23998,0,If you're a delivery driver and don't get a tip... You get shafted +23999,0,What did Oedipus say when to his mother when she prepared a delicious dinner just for him? Uuuu-mami +24000,4,"I saw a sign that said ""watch for kids""... Sounds like a fair trade." +24001,2,I'd like to brag that after a full year of marriage I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday! +24002,3,Why did the guitarist go to jail? Fingering A minor. +24003,4,Do you know why native Americans hate snow?..... Because it's white and on their land. +24004,0,Democrats so opposed to Scott Pruitt to lead the EPA you'd think he once turned a river orange with millions of gallons of mine wastewater. +24005,0,Some people like their Marvin straight... But I prefer my Marvin Gaye +24006,0,"If someone speaks three languages, they're Bilingual If someone speaks two languages, they're bilingual If someone speaks one language, they're american" +24007,2,Man yelling at TV Man is watching TV when he starts yelling: “No! Don't go there! Don't do it! You stupid fool!” His wife asks him: “What are you watching?” “Just our wedding video.” +24008,0,"A young man had a great and simple job opportunity He rode his bike to the local farm after hurricane Matthew and had small talk with the farmer. After several minutes of discussion, the man says: ""So what's my job?"" ""Well,"" the farmer starts. ""ya see that fence down there? I had it fixed 'bout a week ago, but ol' hur-cane Matthew had ta come down and break it again. I wanted ta know if ya could fix it fer me."" ""Sure, I actually have lots of experience with this!"" The man says and gets to work. After about an hour, the man comes back and gets paid. I guess you could say his job was similar to a redditor... He was a reposter that reposted a post that was reposted a week ago by another poster. " +24009,0,Immigration custom asks Jose: What can you do in Canada? Jose: “can nada”? +24010,0,I went to a orphanage website But couldn't find a homepage +24011,2,How do you separate the men from the boys at the Catholic school? with a crowbar +24012,1,What do you call someone who follows NASCAR? A racist. +24013,2,Medical question? My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad? +24014,5,"DIVORCE Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, because they never get the house." +24015,4,"Marriage joke A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’" +24016,2,If you lined up everyone on Earth in a straight line most of them would drown +24017,3,"If a woman sleeping with 10 guys in a week makes her a slut, what would it make a guy who does it? Gay" +24018,1,Your friend say they are fat but they are really 120 pounds so you ask in what world are they fat? A third world. +24019,2,What’s more ironic than waking up tired? Dying in the living room. +24020,0,The vegetarian girl at work seems to be more interested in me ever since... she walked in on me dressing my salad. +24021,2,"Little Johnny was doing his math homeworl ""One plus one, that son of a bitch is two. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."" He says to himself. His mother over hears him and asks what he's doing. ""My math homework."" He says. ""Is that how your teacher told you to do it?"" Little Johnny nods. The next day the mother talks to the teacher. ""Are you teaching my son to say. 'Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.' ?"" ""Oh no!"" Says the teacher, ""It's, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four!'""" +24022,1,What medication are Deer prescribed to help them sleep? Bambien. +24023,3,is jeff here? Jeff: yes! Geoff: Yeos! +24024,2,"So many questions After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, ""Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"" To which Jesus replies,""You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."" The man asks,""Jesus, why is life so hard?"" To which Jesus replies,""That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."" The man asks again,""How was the universe created?"" Jesus replies,""I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn.""" +24025,10,"An Irish Daughter... An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, ""Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."" ""Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."" ""OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."" ""For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."" Now what was it ye said ye had become?"" says dad. Girl, crying again, ""Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."" ""Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug. " +24026,4,When is it okay to kick a midget? When he compliments how nice your girlfriends hair smells. +24027,3,I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard. +24028,1,"Tom asked for my wifi password. I dont know why he got upset and left. "" I fucked your mom 3 nights ago"" Is a strong password. " +24029,4,My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your terrible word play jokes? Me: That’s ......a novel idea. +24030,3,What does a radical sheep say? Allahu Ak-Baa! +24031,0,A Bully walked up to a Nerd and said..... Bully: Hey Nerd. I bet all your friends are nerds too! Nerd: That is where you are wrong. I have no friends. +24032,2,"Mom, do we have to go to Europe? Mom: Shut up and keep swimming." +24033,2,"You know, the people saying that GMO's contain ""chemicals"" aren't wrong. You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff." +24034,0,"I didn’t recognize you It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”" +24035,3,"I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice." +24036,2,My friend was being attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him but it only made things worse. +24037,2,Why did Jasmine break up with Aladdin? Because he had a boo on the side +24038,0,I haven't eaten cashews or almonds for the past 30 days. It's no nuts November. +24039,5,"I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking." +24040,0,Appointment at the doctor One day a married couple went to see the doc because the man was in pain. Doctor: what seems to be the problem? Husband: well doc I have a huge pain in the ass! Doctor: You should’ve had left your wife home. +24041,2,"What did Mother Earth say when she wiped out every last human being on the earth? ""No Homo""" +24042,0,"A faggot breaks up with his boyfriend. He was asked why... ""He has been nothing but a pain in the ass""" +24043,3,"“The total cost would be $5000,” said the funeral director, “and that includes digging of the grave.” Me: Is that the whole thing? Him: Yes, that’s the hole thing." +24044,0,The election on the hot air balloon was great Everyone upvoted +24045,1,My son was born without arms yesterday There is no punch line. +24046,1,"My friend asked me why did I choose Harmonica as my musical instrument I said ""I suck half the time so I decided why not""" +24047,0,"I'm Not Racist I'm not racist, my slave is a black guy." +24048,0,whats the worst part about using a vibrator? they chip your teeth +24049,0,Hot girls are hitting on me Literally Edit: It still hurts +24050,2,My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster. It was over even before it began. +24051,8,1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it. +24052,1,"6ix9ine Going to Jail This is very cool, it means that he will do a collab with my dad!" +24053,0,What is plural of Gooseberry? Geeseberry +24054,1,"A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.” “Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?” “Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking, I jumped out of the window.”" +24055,0,A bad Psychic is like a clickbait article They'll never guess what happens next +24056,3,I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. +24057,2,A group of thugs barged into a chinese restaurant recently and smashed up all the dumplings... Such pointless wonton destruction. +24058,3,"I turn heads every time I go to work Makes sense, I'm a chiropractor." +24059,2,I forgot to pack a fork with my lunch today. It was a pointless lunch. +24060,1,Hey mom! I'm working on Chemistry and History. I'm studying manifest density! +24061,0,Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he didn't have any body to go with. +24062,0,My professor wrote each copy of the syllabus by hand. I guess he prefers pen-cil copies! +24063,2,"His Eminence A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened the newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ""Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"" ""My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."" ""Well, I'll be hornswaggled,"" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ""I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"" ""I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.""" +24064,0,"I was going to make a joke about my favorite card game but I can't remember the name... Oh, UNO..." +24065,0,"Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin has a 'conscious uncoupling' Meanwhile, Bill Cosby has an unconscious coupling." +24066,0,Charlie Sheen is currently filming a movie about mermen It's called Tuna Half-Men +24067,4,How many Jersey girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They'll screw anything +24068,0,What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas? Cancer. +24069,0,"A young man is looking in the classifieds for a motorcycle..... He finally finds one he has been looking for and eventually meets up with the owner. An old man in overalls greets him and says, ""Here she is"". The young lad cant believe it, its the bike he has always wanted and its in pristine condition. They have some small talk about bikes and riding stories. The old man finally says, ""I'm going to sell you the bike, I'm getting too old to ride and I see you really appreciate this model, and motorcycles in general. So i'll know you will take real good care of her."" The young gent is super excited. ""One more thing before you leave, take this bottle of vasoline, put it on the chrome if it rains to prevent rust"" The old man said. He then rides off with his newly acquired bike to pick up his girlfriend. She is excited to see him on it, and she admits he looks very hot while riding. Tonight he is meeting her parents for the first time so he wanted to make a good first impression. She jumps on and they take off to her parents house. ""Now before we go in there is something I must tell"", she says. ""We have this crazy rule at the dinner table. If you are caught talking you have to wash the dishes"", she warned. ""It's okay, I will just focus on my meal"", he replied. When they were greeted at the door, he walked inside and he couldn't believe it. There were dirty dishes everywhere, piled up in the living room, hallways, the foyer, the stairway, and of course the kitchen. Some how, her mother was able to make dinner and they all sat down to eat. So they are eating and the young man is getting pretty bored with the silence, the father reading his newspaper, the mother watching t.v. from the table. He is feeling a little cheeky and decides to start rubbing his girlfriends thighs till she is biting her lip. He looks up and the parents are continuing no paying attention. Then he decides to up the ante and then starts making out with her and fondling her breast. Not a peep from the parents. Then he decides, to put his girlfriend on the table and just starts fucking her on the table, really getting into it. The parents just continue to ignore the spectacle. He looks at the mom, grabs her to join and then starts fingering her on the table as well. while all this fuckery is going on the man sees its starts raining out side, he remembers and pulls out the vasoline. The father then abruptly stands up and says. ​ ""Alright fuck! I wash the damn dishes!""" +24070,2,"George W Bush and Dick Cheney were recently spotted hanging out together A few reports were coming out that the two, who were acting like the best of friends, were spotted around an hour ago at central park. Someone close to the scene said that on Bush's phone was the interface to Pokemon go, while on Cheney's was the official Reddit app. Because of that, it's been widely speculated that George is out to catch Pokemon while Dick's out for Harambe." +24071,1,"Wish me luck I am starting my new venture, a start up food app that will help all of you reduce weight dramatically. Basically it works as follows: You order, I don't deliver" +24072,0,What‘s the difference between a bankrobber and a soccer player? The bankrobber will say „Give me the money or I will shoot!“ and the soccer player will say „Give me the money or I won‘t shoot.“ +24073,2,Dark humor is like a children's cancer ward... It never gets old. +24074,0,"$1 million in heaven Joe asked God, ""How much is a penny worth in heaven?"" God replied, ""$1 million."" Joe asked, ""How long is a minute in heaven?"" God said, ""One million years."" Joe asked for a penny. God said, ""Sure, in a minute.""" +24075,0,"Do not be racist Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew! " +24076,4,How do you find a blind guy in a nudist colony? It's not hard. +24077,5,"These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, ""We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."" So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, ""Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, ""Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, ""I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"" The woman replies, ""I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.""" +24078,6,"It’s impossible to please women. Even at your wedding, you are not the best man" +24079,4,"Fine, different alligator joke. A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender says, ""hey man you can't have that in here it's dangerous!"" The man says, ""No no! He's not, look I can prove it that he's not dangerous."" The bartender says, ""okay, if you can prove that your alligator isn't dangerous, you can keep it inside."" The man says, ""okay watch."" The man smacks the alligator on the snout with a stick and says ""open."" The alligator slowly opens it's mouth, the man then puts his dick and testicles inside the mouth of the alligator. The man then says ""close,"" the alligator slowly closes it's mouth. The man says ""see? I'm completely unharmed"" Everyone applause and the man puts his junk back in his pants. He then says, ""anyone else wanna try...?"" A drunk homeless man from the back of the bar says, ""sure just don't hit me with a stick!""" +24080,0,"A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Give me a hot dog and put everything on it.” (My son told me this and honestly, I don’t see the humor in it.) " +24081,0,"A foreign man is walking down the street when a surveyor runs up to him. The surveyor says “Hello! I’m collecting statistics on foreign visitors. Could you please tell me your ethnicity?” The man responds, politely saying “I am a Malaysian.” The surveyor, slightly annoyed, says “Ok, but which country in Asia?”" +24082,3,"A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing? ...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)" +24083,0,How can you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy. +24084,0,What is the type of bird that flies in a pair? Only toucan +24085,6,"A woman goes to a doctor. A woman goes to a doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. The Doctor asks: “Whats the problem?” The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.” The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It keeps your mouth shut and that does the trick”." +24086,1,"I'm such an alcoholic.... That when Alcohol does its taxes, it claims me as its dependant!" +24087,3,"One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road. As the man approached the hysterical woman, he notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly springs into action and immediately administers CPR to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the child’s throat. The pleased woman asks, “Are you a doctor, a surgeon?!?” “No” the man says sheepishly, “I work for the IRS.”" +24088,1,"We fear no wives Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings, he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back, quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran faster than before. The second guy chuckled. “Take a look at that! You know around my house I call the shots,” he says as he got up and take out his wallet to pay for his drink. “The moment I enter the house, when I clapped my hands twice, I got hot water immediately prepared for me.” Then he proceeded walking towards the door, “...I hate washing the dishes with cold water.” All these while the third guy just silently enjoying his drink. Taking each sip calmly with a satisfied look. The bartender said, “Well, Sir, I guess you have your life well in order compared to those two. You are the master of your domain, right?” The guy smiled and reply, “I don’t mean to brag, but last time I talked with my wife she was on her knees. All fours, even.” “What did she say?” The bartender asked. The third guy sipped his drink, then say: “Well, she said if I’m really a man then come out from under the bed.”" +24089,0,What's the difference between circumcision and crucifixion? With circumcision you don't throw out the whole Jew. +24090,1,What do bagels and holiday parties have in common? They're both better toasted +24091,1,"Three wives are having drinks at bar. After a few drinks they begin comparing their husbands to soda. The first wife says ""Well, my husband would be 7-UP. He's seven inches and straight up."" The second wife thinks for a second and says ""Mountain Dew. He's always mounting me and we're always doing it."" After a couple seconds the third wife says ""My husband would be Jack Daniels."" The first wife says ""Jack Daniels is a liquor, not a soda."" ""Yep, that would my him.""" +24092,1,What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken +24093,0,Im sorry Me apologizing: /.-. … .-//... Friend:what Me:remorse code +24094,0,"What do F anf L fucking, and druggies have in common? They both gave us E." +24095,0,"My friends sees everything either black or white... I don't get what his problem with Zebras is. I mean, they are black and white." +24096,0,Don't mess with my Jew friend He knows jew jitsu +24097,1,"Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon. I shouldn't have eaten it really." +24098,2,A man got in a bad accident and got his left arm and left leg ripped off. But don't worry about him. He's all right now! +24099,0,They often say that I miss the comedy timing Guess my punchlines arrive late. +24100,2,"An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)... The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door. A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.” The Bedouin asks the Scot why he has a cucumber. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I can slice up the cucumber and place the slices on my forehead to cool me off.” Finally the Bedouin turns to Trump and asks him why he has a car door. Trump replies. “Well, when it gets really, really hot - and it has to get so very very hot, as I’m great at handling the heat - but when it gets that unbelievably hot, I can roll down the window and stick my head out.” Yeah. Sorry about that..." +24101,6,"What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ..." +24102,3,What's worse than a baby in a freezer? A baby in 2 freezers. +24103,2,"So Hellen Keller walked into a bar... and a table, and a chair." +24104,1,What's Obama say to Biden when he leaves the room after a argument? Good*bi-den* +24105,0,I inhaled dinosaurs this morning Forgot to switch off the gas. +24106,1,"My memory is so bad, I plan my own surprise parties. " +24107,0,There was a kidnapping at my sons school today! What is there to be done? +24108,2,Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism +24109,3,Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building? He had a plane to catch +24110,4,Why dont ambassadors get sick? Diplomatic immunity +24111,3,"AN OLD FART A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, ""Are they treating you all right?"" She replies, ""It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart.""" +24112,1,"When Mother Theresa died and got to the Pearly Gates, she was stopped by St Peter. He told her, ""Before I let you in, I need to ask you a few questions."" As he was saying this, Mother Theresa looks over his shoulder and sees Princess Di. She exclaims to Peter, ""Why am I out here answering questions after everything I've done in my life and Princess Di is already inside with a halo on her head?"" Peter looks over his shoulder, then turns to Mother Theresa and say's, ""That ain't a halo, it's a steering wheel!""" +24113,1,"A frightened man came to the KGB ""My talking parrot has disappeared."" ""That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."" 'Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot.""" +24114,0,"Never eaten squid? Me and my brother was chilling. I'm playing Xbox and he's playing with his phone. I started winning and screamed ""I'm eating their assholes, man!"" he looked up to the TV and said ""that doesn't sound tasty at all"" to which I responded ""obviously you've never eaten calamari?!""" +24115,2,What do you call orgies in Alabama Family Reunions +24116,0,"What are some funny physics jokes? A neutron walks into a bar and asks “How much for a drink?” The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”" +24117,3,What is the hardest thing in skateboarding? Concrete +24118,0,Did you know there's a 4th Newton law? Last drop of pee always hits your pants. +24119,0,A man walks into a bar Ouch +24120,2,"I asked my girlfriend why she always laughs after sex She says, it's an inside joke. " +24121,4,"Carl is always really cranky in the morning... ""Carl, you should really do something about your bad mood,"" Says his boss, as Carl enters office with a long face once again. ""I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it, boss."" ""You know how I prevent this?"" Answers his boss, ""I make sure to have sex with my wife every time before I go to work. It's a great way to start off the day. Perhaps you should try this yourself."" The next day Carl enters office, he seems very upbeat. ""Good day Carl, I see you're doing much better. Did you take my advice?"" says his boss. ""I'm glad I did, boss! It really helped,"" answers Carl. ""By the way, I didn't know you lived in such a nice place!""" +24122,5,"A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic... She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best. When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor. He explains it's no error. ""You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50% Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that. You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler.""" +24123,5,"A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master... ""People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."" ​ The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said: ​ ""I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. Come back in a year."" ​ The young man left. A year later, he came back and said: ​ ""Master, I've waited for a year. Please teach me Kung Fu."" ​ The Kung Fu Master sighed and said: ​ ""I will teach you Kung Fu, but first, you must perfect your mind. For three years, watch the sun rise in the morning and set in the evening."" ​ The young man left. In three years, he returned. ​ ""Great Master, I have watched the sun rise in the morning and watched it set in the evening for three years. Please teach me Kung Fu."" ​ ""I will,"" said the Kung Fu Master, ""but first you must learn to levitate five li above ground."" ​ Baffled, the young man left. The Kung Fu Master was relieved, thinking he'd finally got rid of the nuisance for good. However, in five years the man returned. ​ ""Great Master, I have practiced for every day, for five years. Now, I can levitate five li above ground,"" he said and levitated five li above ground. ​ The Kung Fu Master looked at the sight and said: ​ ""Holy fucking shit."" ​ ​" +24124,1,What international treaty is too sweet? Geneva Confection. +24125,1,What department store is named after the things jews hate the most and love the most? JC Penney. ^I'm ^^going ^^^to ^^^^hell. +24126,0,What do you get if you combine an organ and jam? A hearty breakfast +24127,2,Donald John Trump is the 3rd President in American history to be impeached Well at least he finally won the popular vote +24128,2,I asked a pregnant woman what cup size she was. She said 500ml. +24129,4,"Mother in law A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one. One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest without hesitation jumped into the well and pulled her out to the safety. Next morning when the eldest woke up, he saw a brand new car parked in his driveway. That was a gift from his mother in law as an appreciation. A few days later, she is trying out the middle one. Same story, she asks him for a helping hand, jumps into a water well and he saved her. Next morning when he wakes up, he finds a brand new motor bike parked in his driveway. Again, that was a gift from his mother in law. A few days later, now she is trying out the youngest one. She jumps into the water well but the youngest is hesitant to jump after her. He thinks for a few moments that the eldest saved her and got a car, the middle one saved her and got a bike so if I save her she'd probably give me a bicycle which is not worth the effort really so he decides to let her drown. The next morning he wakes up to find a Ferrari parked up in his drive way. That was a gift from his father in law. ​ (Apologies for the terrible sentence structure, I am not the native speaker of English)." +24130,2,"A tenured math professor handed out the blue books for an exam. Considering he's given a variation of this test over the past 15 years, he didn't expect any surprises. As usual, all the students finished within the hour. While grading the tests later that day, he came across an unusual response. As he opened the front cover, a $100 bill fell out to reveal the following note: ""one dollar for every point"". The next day the blue books were handed back to the students with a grade written on the first page. However, one student found something different: three $20 bills and a note that said ""here's the change"". " +24131,0,"A doctor posts an ad in the newspaper The ad read “New to the area from Madrid and starting my own practice. I specialize in internal medicine but can treat anything from a common cold to cancer, diabetes, or pancreatitis. I accept all payment types and insurance providers. The only stipulation is that I will only work with childless married couples.” Two weeks went by with no calls and the doctor got worried. He called his American cousin (also a doctor) and asked why nobody responded to his promotion. His cousin read it and said, “Oh! See that’s your problem right there! Nobody respects the Spanish dink physician!”" +24132,0,"a crazy spanish train commits a murder because some guy slept with his train-wife that's a loco motive, ese" +24133,0,Where do you go if you don't like mustard? Mayo clinic +24134,0,What do you call a gay guy who catches your football? The receiving end. +24135,0,You know that awesome feeling when you finally understand a word problem in math class? Me neither. +24136,3,"Slow learner A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices one of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears. ""What happened to your ears?"" he asks. ""Well, its a long story."" he replies, ""You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a phone call from her on Sunday. I was watching the football game and my wife was ironing some laundry behind me. The phone rang, so I reached back to answer it, but when I put the phone to my ear I realized I had grabbed the iron by mistake!"" ""Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"" ""Well, wouldn't you know it, she called back.""" +24137,7,"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement... ...in the end, you ignore it all and click ""I agree.""" +24138,0,"Treatment plant worker sues board of directors for allegedly drowning in a septic tank. ""He's full of shit."" says Co-Worker." +24139,1,From a conversation at the the Thanksgiving table about the turkeys Trump pardoned Why did John Lennon hate carrots? Because he wanted to give peas a chance. +24140,1,A hooker was released from jail and immediately rearrested. She had ended her sentence with a proposition. +24141,1,I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature It went from 0 to 100 real quick P.S sorry Americans +24142,2,"Steve jobs goes to Heaven.. .. As he steps up to the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at him with a frown on his face, points downwards and says: “You know how we feel about Apples up here.”" +24143,3,"STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking **ME:** Yeah, he's interbred **DUCK: [waddles up]** I'll tell you who else is into bread." +24144,2,Why did the spy cross the road? Because he was never on your side. +24145,1,"Devil's Challenge I haven't heard this one in ages but it's been a favorite of mine for many many years.... Three men are walking through the desert. As they're traveling along, a giant hole randomly appears and swallows them up. They fall for what seems like ages. And abruptly land completely unharmed. They look around and find they're in hell. And the devil sits before them smiling. Devil: Fear not. You all appear to know where you are and who I am. However... I offer you a chance to leave this place unharmed. Name anything that you believe I can't do, and if you are correct, you are free to go. However... If you are wrong... I WILL EAT YOU! The three men are terrified. Two of the men start talking about what they could challenge the Devil with, while the third, relaxes himself. Sits on a stone. And begins to ponder. One of the two that were discussing ideas seems to be sure of himself. Straightens with courage and looks Satan square in the eye. ""Alright Devil... How about you stop a speeding train right in it's tracks."" Devil: Very well. The Devil does it. Picks up the man and swallows him whole. The other guy who was talking about ideas is stunned. But he too straightens up and pitches his best idea. ""Alright Devil. I see you can stop a speeding train. But how about you pick up the Eiffel Tower!"" Devil:. Consider it done. Devil does it. Grabs the second man and swallows him whole. The third man has been watching this all transpire. Still, he sits in his stone calmly. After some time the Devil loses his patience. Devil: The time is now. State your challenge or i will eat you anyway. The last man holds his finger up... Scrunches up his face... And let's loose the most horrendous fart ever seen, heard, or smelled. Last Man: Catch that and paint it green. The Devil let's him go." +24146,4,Strong people don't put others down: They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage. +24147,1,"Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year.... Its truly a horrible ginocide. " +24148,0,When is the best time to raise money? When there's a stripper in front of you. +24149,0,"A waiter walks into a restaurant with a magic hat and a wand saying "" I will magically pull a rabbit from this hat!"" He proceeds to do the trick. He places his hat on the table and waves his wand around it excitedly. After a few seconds nothing happens. Then you hear a ding from the kitchen and the cook says "" one rabbit on lettuce!"" Then a waitress says to the cook "" you can't ever make a salad without finding a ""hair"" in it!"" " +24150,0,Q: What would Lewis Carroll call an abortion? A: A very merry unbirthday. +24151,3,"Artificial Insemination A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. ""Try again"" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. ""No,"" she says, ""They're all in the piggin Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.""" +24152,0,Knock Knock surprise - Knock Knock - Who's there? - Muslim - Muslim who? - Muslim WHALLAHU ACKBAR +24153,5,What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person Read it again +24154,0,"You guys seemed to like jokes in Spanish so here is a few more ""¿Cómo se dice perro en ingles?"" (How do you say dog in English?) ""Dog"" ""¿Y veterninario?"" (And veterinary?) ""Dogtor""   And my favourite: ""¿Cómo se dice fiesta en ingles?"" ""Party"" ""Uselo en una oracion"" ""Ayer me party la madre """ +24155,1,"A man is taking off the condom after sex... A man is taking off the condom after sex. His partner says, ""Make sure to tie a knot in it."" The man says, ""I can't. It's still hard.""" +24156,2,"What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds? A watermelon! Now, What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Half a watermelon. That's my dad's favorite joke." +24157,0,Why did the Arab-Jamaican get offended by Pokemon? Because in Arabic there is no P only an F +24158,0,"This guy I know sells hats on the subway... ...but who's gonna buy a hat from a guy on the subway? That's like buying a jacket from a guy in a bus station, the more money you pay him, you know he's just gonna spend it on drugs and probably OD eventually. You really want that on your conscience?" +24159,0,"You know what I like about high school girls? I will be back, rec time is over. " +24160,1,What do you call a good samaritan in the snow? An ice person. +24161,0,Why I will never go bungee jumping... I was brought into this world through a broken rubber and I'm not about to be taken out by one. +24162,1,I found OJ simpson's website! pound pound slash slash slash backslash escape +24163,1,"Mr. Mole told Mrs. Mole he would have to work late at the bakery. He comes home and she is furious. She says don't lie to me … you were at the Bottoms Up bar getting lap dances from the female mole dancers! He said ""why would you say that?"" She exclaimed ""Because your clothes smell like molasses. " +24164,0,What's Louis C.K.'s favorite type of meat other than his own? Jerkey +24165,3,"Two monkeys sit in a bath One monkey says: ""OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAH OOH"" The other monkey then says: ""Well put some cold water in then.""" +24166,1,"I need dating advice. I've been seeing this woman for about three weeks. Recently, she started closing her curtains..." +24167,0,Trampolines used to be called jumpolines... Then your mom jumped on one! +24168,4,Ancient greeks invented sex Romans made it more fun by adding women to it. +24169,1,Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field +24170,1,How did we know Adam was white Did you ever try taking a rib from a brotha? +24171,2,I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too. That's a big plus. +24172,0,"Playing chess with a clairvoyant A clairvoyant invited me to a game of chess, I accepted but when it came to be my turn I thought: ""well, he is most probably going to read my mind"". So I secretly made a different move. ​ It's better in Dutch. Original in Almelo's by Herman Finkers, slightly changed it." +24173,0,Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe? They get Hungary so they go for Turkey. +24174,3,"I was walking my dogs when a stranger approached me. ""Are they Jack Russell's?"" ""Nah mate, they're mine"" I replied." +24175,2,"My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase... Apparently he said he smashed it!" +24176,0,"A guy walks into a bar A blind man walks into a bar, then a chair, then a table" +24177,0,What did the giraffe say when he walked in to the bar? High balls are on me. +24178,0,"Seven went up to nine and said ""I'll calc ya later"" Then 7 Eight 9." +24179,3,I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS… THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS. +24180,0,What did Putin's wife say to him at night? put-in +24181,0,"Some people never get to be the best man in a wedding. I’ve been asked to be the best man at 2 weddings in my life. The first time I was flattered, the second time I realized my friends need better friends." +24182,0,To err is human... To arr is pirate. +24183,1,Did you heard about the mariage of the two radios ? It seems like they got a good reception. +24184,0,"When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea... Based on everyone's reactions, I wonder if we should have cremated him first. [*fixed] " +24185,3,"What does ""LSD"" stand for again? It's on the tip of my tongue...." +24186,3,Don't become an Islamic suicide bomber for the off chance you'll get 72 virgins after death. Become a Catholic priest and get them now! +24187,2,"A weird order at the pet shop A guy walks in a pet shop and says: ""I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."" The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: ""You're an owner of snakes?"" ""No"" said the man. ""I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state.""" +24188,8,A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number. I told her that we usually use names. +24189,0,Trees are good at baseball... They pitch real well +24190,9,What’s the generic name for Viagara? **Mycoxafloppin** +24191,0,"A 500 year old repost from China A geriatrician is beating up a pediatrician on the street. Passerbys stopped him, asking ""why would you do this to somebody in the same line of work?"" The geriatrician replies, ""I always let my patients become his patients, but he never lets his patients become mine.""" +24192,1,"Some guys get lost while hiking through the hills... One guy takes out the map and looks at it. He stares at the map for almost half an hour. His friends get a little nervous. ""What are you looking at? Where are we?"" one friend asks. ""You guys see that mountain over there?"" the guy says, pointing at a mountain far away. ""Yeah."" they reply. ""Well, that's where we are.""" +24193,2,"Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked “if you could be a musician, who would you be?” He replied “I’d be Bach” " +24194,3,6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day. +24195,0,"Today is never gonna end... It's just gonna keep going, 24/7." +24196,2,"Online dating is tough ""Online dating is tough"", said a 10 year old. ""Everytime I meet someone new, they end up in jail."" " +24197,1,"A boy walks in on his father masturbating. The boy, curious asks him, “Dad, what are you doing?” The father replies, “This is called masturbating and pretty soon you will be doing it also.” The kid, puzzled, asks, “How do you know that?” The father goes “Because my arm is getting tired.” " +24198,0,Why can't Rodney King Play Poker? Four clubs beat a King. +24199,6,I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant But then I changed my mind +24200,2,Executioner deserves a bonus... He's been killing it. +24201,2,"A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years ""Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"" The wife says ""oh my god! Where are we going??"" The husband replies ""I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5""" +24202,5,"Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? I asked him and he said, ""I still love Vista baby""." +24203,1,"Since the French joke went over so well How many Frenchmen does it take to defend the city of Paris?? No one knows, it's never been tried. " +24204,1,Show me a prostitute that is happy being paid in information about past events... ...and I'll show you a whore that'll go down in history. +24205,2,What does a serial killer eat when he’s on a budget? Raw men +24206,4,How do farmers party? They turnip the beets. +24207,0,"Try, try, and try again. I feel like too many dictators rip this quote." +24208,0,Thank God to the man who invented Venetian Blinds Or it would be curtains for all of us +24209,2,"Seagull poop (longish) {From my childhood - no idea who to credit} A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate. The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter. He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide. The pirate says, ""What ye looking at me fer boy?"" The man says, ""Well sir, I've never met a pirate before."" P:""Well then, ask me anyt'ing ya want lad!"" M:""Really?! Okay! Well, how'd you lose your hand sir?"" P:""The legendary croc, Big Mouth Bernard bit it clean off! Hurt like the Dickens!"" M:""Wow! Well, is that how you got that peg leg, too?"" P:""Lord no! That was done by tha cursed white whale! A story fer another time."" M:""Oh my, that's terrible! So uh... How'd you get the eye patch?"" P:""Well I was on the deck, looking out at the horizon, and a seagull pooped in me eye."" M:""Wait you lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"" P:""You don't understand mate. It was the first day I had me hook!"" {Credit where credit is due, no idea who the source is.}" +24210,5,"An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: ""It's none of my business, of course... It's your money and your sons... But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!"" ""Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?""" +24211,0,"I bought a Diary made for flightless birds. After all, no one would want to touch my Diar-rhea." +24212,1,"A Man Goes to the Barber and the Barber Asks, ""How Would You Like Your Hair Cut? The man says, ""In silence.""" +24213,3,It was so hot in Dallas today... I saw a crackhead put copper wire back into an air conditioner. +24214,3,"The Shepherd and the Poodle [Long] A shepherd lives alone in a remote cabin with his small flock of sheep. Every day he brings the sheep out to the field to graze, and every evening he rounds them up and brings them back to their pen. His sheep are healthy, and he takes good care of them. Over time, lambs are born and his flock grows larger and larger, and it becomes more work for him to round them up in the evening. He decides he needs a sheep dog to help. He goes to town one day to visit the tent of the dog merchant. He tells the dog merchant, ""My flock has gotten too large for me to take care of myself, especially as I am getting older. When I was a young man, I had only 10 sheep, but now I am an elderly man with 33 sheep to tend! It is too much for me. I need a sheep dog to help me round them up at night."" The merchant points to an adult border collie and says, ""This dog is a fully trained sheep herder. It has passed all the hardest tests and will round up your sheep entirely on his own. It costs 1,000 tasas."" ""1,000 tasas!"" says the shepherd. ""I don't make that much in a whole season! Sadly, I can't afford that."" ""Well,"" says the merchant, picking up a newborn puppy, ""I can sell you one of these young sheep dogs. They are cheaper, but you would have to train it yourself, and it would be a few months before it would really be helpful to you. This one costs 100 tasas."" ""That I can afford,"" says the shepherd, ""but I don't think I can wait that long, plus I'd have the work of training the dog in addition to my regular work. Are there any other alternatives?"" The merchant thinks, and then leads the shepherd to the back corner of the tent. There a poodle sits alone in a small crate. ""I know it is difficult to believe,"" says the merchant, ""but this dog is excellent at rounding up sheep. He can do it in an instant, with no guidance. I have been unable to sell him though, because no one believes a poodle can be good at rounding up sheep. It has been such a frustration to me. Just to be rid of him, I will sell him to you for 250 tasas."" The shepherd thinks. This could be a cruel joke, and he could lose 250 tasas for nothing, but he really has no other options. He decides to take a chance. ""Okay, I will trust you. I will purchase this dog."" The shepherd takes the poodle home. In the morning, the shepherd lets his 33 sheep out into the field, showing the poodle where they are grazing and where they have to return in the evening. The poodle looks on attentively. In the evening, the shepherd leads the poodle out to the field. Nervously, and somewhat skeptically, he says to the poodle, ""Okay, now I beg you, please do what was promised! Please round up these sheep!"" The poodle stands up, looks out at the field, his eyes darting from sheep to sheep, his lips silently moving as he speaks softly under his breath. ""35,"" he says." +24215,7,Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub. Ive never worked so hard before in my life. +24216,1,"So what do you do for a living ? - "" I own a mining business."" ""What do you mine ?"" ""I mine my own f*cking business.""" +24217,0,How do you call a periodical publication which is all about Trump? a MAGAzine +24218,0,What does a homeless man and a CEO have in common? They both just want someone to listen to them. +24219,8,"A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question ""Is it true what Rita just told me?"" ""What's that?"" asks her mother. ""That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"" said her daughter. ""Yes it is dear!"" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ""But then, when I have a baby,"" responded the teenager, ""won't it knock my teeth out?""" +24220,5,What does 6.9 mean? Just another good thing ruined by period. +24221,1,TIL that Subway will give you your money back if they mess up your order. Whoops wrong sub! +24222,1,Do you think a Stegosaurus can accurately guess what era it belongs to? You bet jurassic-an. +24223,0,"Cats are communists. I mean, really, why else would they go around saying ""Mao Mao Mao?"" " +24224,0,Why don't lepers play Hockey? All the face offs scare the crowd. +24225,0,"In America, people listen to 50 cent. But here in Zimbabwe, we listen to 180 dollar and 95 cent." +24226,0,Why did the crucifixion of Jesus take place under an airplane? Because he was crucified under a Pontius Pilot +24227,1,My wife isn't into S&M. But I still love her... she really can't be beat. +24228,2,"Timmy the Turtle... Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again. Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down... ""Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted..""" +24229,0,I coulda been a doctor But I just don't have the patients. +24230,1,They say once you've seen a building with a bunch of shops in it You've seen em' all +24231,0,What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator. +24232,0,"DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT JESUS?! (a work in progress) An awful lot of people don't seem to realize that Jesus actually worked for a construction company as a carpenter in his 20s. ""Three Crosses LLC"" was the name. Unfortunately, they didn't see eye-to-eye and had an amicable split. You see, contrary to common popular belief, Jesus was a staunch supporter of laissez faire capitalism. Three Crosses LLC, on the other hand, well, they were non-prophet." +24233,1,Why do women wear panties? Because it's the law. The health and safety act of 1974 clearly states: (4)(b)1: All manholes must be covered when not in use +24234,1,Which game does Dr Jekyll play best? Hyde and seek +24235,0,Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out. +24236,0,9 It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution. +24237,0,Son: Is that tiger fresh? Mum: Well it was throwing up blood yesterday. Credit to: Monty Python’s Flying Circus. +24238,0,"What's the similarity between an university student and a dog? They both have smart look. What's the difference between an university student and a dog? With the dog, you have the feeling that at any moment he will speak, while with the university student - never. " +24239,0,What does a japanese person working in Egypt say to his friends at the end of the work day? Cairo +24240,2,"Bugs & Father...! A boy asks his father, ""Dad, are bugs good to eat?"" ""That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner,"" the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, ""Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"" ""Oh, nothing,"" the boy says. ""There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.""" +24241,1,"Amazon Has anyone noticed before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the ""Kindle""?" +24242,3,Why is America so fat? Because THESE COLORS DON’T RUN +24243,1,How is Anti-Vax children and middle school the same? They only last three years +24244,4,"One day a woman talks to her priest. WOMAN: ""I need to speak with you. PRIEST: ""What is it, my child?"" WOMAN: ""I called a man a son of a bitch"". PRIEST: ""You shouldn't have called him that, and it is a sin"". WOMAN: ""But let me tell you why! He flirted with me."" PRIEST: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"". WOMAN: ""But there's more! He ran his fingers through may hair!"" PRIEST: ""Like this?"" *runs fingers through woman's hair* WOMAN: ""Yes!"" PRIEST: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"". WOMAN: ""Then he touched my breasts!"" PRIEST: ""What? Like this?"" *touches woman's breasts* WOMAN: ""Yes!"" PRIEST: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"". WOMAN: ""But then he took my clothes off, and got himself naked!"" PRIEST: ""What? Like this?"" *gets naked, and strips woman* WOMAN: ""Yes!"" PRIEST: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"". WOMAN: ""But then he forced himself on me, and had his way with me!"" PRIEST: ""What? Like this?"" *priest proceeds to lay down the woman, and plow her* WOMAN: ""Yes! Yes, father! Yes! Yes! Yes!"" PRIEST: ""That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch"". WOMAN: ""But there's the most important thing!"" PRIEST: ""What? He got you pregnant?"" WOMAN: ""No. He gave me aids!"" PRIEST: ""THAT SONE OF A BITCH!!!!!"" " +24245,3,"Thought I saw the first ever super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape. Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut." +24246,2,What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple generally waits until you are a teenager before it comes on your face. +24247,1,I went to a nightclub the other evening and saw a topless ventriloquist. She was really good. I never saw her lips move. +24248,1,"Pun competition When I was a kid, our local newspaper held monthly competitions for the local youth. Submit your best joke/pun/riddle, the best one wins $50 and a photo with the mayor. One month I decide to give it a go and submit 10 puns. I sent in my best ones trying to win, but No Pun In Ten Did." +24249,0,What do Muslims eat for Thanksgiving? Quran-berries! +24250,0,What does 7-11 have in common with women? Both of their eggs have sell-by dates. +24251,0,Dads are like boomerangs.... I hope. +24252,4,"A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, ""Sorry, we don't serve strings here."" Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,""Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."" Dejected, the string leaves and returns home once again. A few weeks go bye, and the string decides to try his luck one more time. He ties himself up and pulls apart the top of his string to change his appearance. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks long and hard and says,""You look familiar. You've definitely been around here. Aren't you that string from a while back?"" The string looks him straight in the eye and says cooly,""Nope, I'm a frayed knot.""" +24253,1,Why did the diet coach send her . . Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there. +24254,1,"A kid asked : ""Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"" The father replied : ""It's mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."" With that, the father dialled a random number. He said ""Hello, is Adrian here?"" The man answered ""There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?"" ""He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch..."" the father said. The father dialled the number again ""Hello, is Adrian there?"" asked the father. ""Now look here!"" came the heated reply. ""You just called this number and I told you that there is no Adrian here! You're got a lot of nerve calling again!"" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said ""You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."" He re-dialled and when a violent voice roare ""Hello!"", the father calmly said ""Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?""" +24255,0,"What's the longest, hardest thing in a Republican's life? Middle school. " +24256,1,Jack and Jill went up to the hill so jack could eat her candy But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill's real name was Randy +24257,1,"Three world famous conductors walk into a bar A fan comes up to them and asks them, “What’s your secret to being such a successful conductor?” Conductor 1: I just always remember to stay calm and do what I practiced Conductor 2: I always think about doing it for my family Conductor three stares at them with a confused look He says, “ I don’t know what you guys are doing, I’m usually busy making sure I’m not holding onto my electrons to tightly”" +24258,1,"You should pronounce ""gif"" like the g in gigantic... Or the ""g"" in ""gullible""." +24259,0,"Two guys are sitting in a bar. They're talking about life, drinking beer and enjoying each others company. A guy walks into the bar, screaming out un-intelligible nonsense. ""Who is that?"" Asks guy 1 ""Oh it's Wei Ning"" Answers guy 2 ""Yeah I know, but who is that guy yelling."" Repeats guy 1 ""Wei Ning! The guy is Wei Ning!"" Yells guy 2 ""Yeah no he does not look like he fell from the sky.""" +24260,1,"i took a dna test with my black friend. Turns out im a little black and he's a little white. My other friend said ""Doesnt matter if you're both midgets.""" +24261,1,Have you heard about the population of Ireland? It's Dub-lin! +24262,4,"Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk. The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million. Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds ""one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit"". Trump asks the European why it would cost seven million and he says ""four for paint, one for workers, and three for my profit."" Finally trump asks the Turk why it would cost 10 million dollars and he says ""three for me, four for you, and give three to the Chinese guy and let the fucker paint""" +24263,2,Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Because he wanted to get along little doggy. +24264,2,Why do women love men who work with Horses? Because those men have got Stable jobs. +24265,0,Why is divorce so expensive..... Because it's worth it. +24266,0,How come ants don’t get sick? Because they have little anti-bodies. +24267,4,"I just enlisted my kids into the Navy. Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower." +24268,8,"With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”" +24269,2,"The largest shipment of Mayonnaise ever. Today most of the world's import/export happens via airplane AND ships by sea. Due to most of the world's Mayonnaise being produced in England up until 1925, the product was exported via business and commercial ships. The largest shipment ever was put on the Titanic, bound for the first delivery to Mexico. Because of the extreme amount of loss, and the heartbreak due to the anticipation for the product a national day of remembrance was made, ""cinco de mayo""" +24270,5,"A guy starts at a new job. On Monday he calls in and says, ""I can't come in today. I'm sick."" He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ""I can't come in today. I'm sick."" The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, ""He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."" So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, ""You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"" The guy says, ""No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."" The boss says, ""You screw your sister?"" The guy says, ""Hey, I told you I was sick."" " +24271,1,A cannibal was traveling through the woods... when he passed his brother. +24272,7,"I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises.... She said, ""It's not in yet"". I replied, ""YES, That's The Book!""" +24273,0,Why did the Kremlins chef screw up Putins order? He was rushin. +24274,3,In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D. That's how I got an A. +24275,7,"My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding. But then I saw her face." +24276,1,I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting. +24277,5,"It's in the Smile A boy met a girl.... Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single? Girl: No, I am a dentist." +24278,2,"The other day, my friend told me I don't understand irony... Which was ironic, because we were sitting on a bench." +24279,3,"[Long] 4 Rabbis were on a hill... They would argue day in and day out about theology. There seemed to be one Rabbi, however, that was always on the odd end of the argument. The other 3 Rabbis seemed to always team up on him. He knew he was right so one day he called out to the heavens, ""Oh God, I know that I am right and they are wrong! Please give a sign to prove that to them!"" Suddenly a swarm of 100s of bird flew across the sky in a magnificent pattern. The other rabbis just said, ""Nothing that can't be explained by natural causes..."" The sad rabbi called out again to the Lord, ""Give them another sign!"" Suddenly many lightning bolts struck a nearby hill. ""Nothing that can't be explained by natural causes..."" the other rabbis responded. Finally, as he was crying to God one last time the heavens opened, the sky became a dark red color, and a booming voice cried, ""HE'S RIGHT!"" The 3 rabbis thought for a moment before saying, ""So? Now it's 3 against 2!"" " +24280,4,"I caught the flu in Madrid. While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. ​ ""Oh, so you're sick!"" came the reply. ""Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"" ​ The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out ""h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?"", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: ​ ""Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.""" +24281,0,What crime was the school shooter convicted of? He was found guilty of nerder. +24282,0,The Dating Game TV Show: Where's the oddest place you've ever had sex? Respondent #1: **In my ass.** +24283,3,Sometimes I forget which way the sun comes up Then it dawns on me +24284,0,"A leading sexologist was once asked if it was possible to rape someone while running "" No, a woman with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his pants down"" ." +24285,0,What do computers and reincarnation have in common? Switching Users +24286,0,"A student walks into a bar He sulks into the nearest stool. The bartender comes over and asks ""What's wrong, did you fail a test?"" The Student looks up at him and says ""Yeah, I want to be a lawyer, but I went straight from my BAR exam to here because I knew I failed and I feel like drinking my problems away."" The bartender felt sorry for the kid, but refused to serve him, saying ""I don't serve people when I know they're bar hopping.""" +24287,2,I just bought shoes from my drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. +24288,8,I was given MDMA and LSD tonight... What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble. +24289,0,"What do you get when you cross an unemployed person with a broken codelock? Nothing, that combination doesn’t work." +24290,0,"What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? [NSFW] Hold on to your balls mate, because this won't be a regular blowjob " +24291,0,"Aged meats are popular, but did you hear about the 150 year old filet mignon? It was a myth steak." +24292,0,What do you call a group of clowns in a Chilli shop? A pickachilli circus +24293,4,Is the ocean salty because... the land doesn't wave back? +24294,0,What’s a porn stars favourite desert? A cream pie +24295,0,"Dont forget, tonight the moon will be visible from earth. Last time this happened was over 10 hours ago " +24296,3,I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms... Two thing I prefer not to fuck with +24297,1,"I forgot to draw the curtain before having a wank today. ""Get the fuck out of our changing rooms,"" said the assistant at H&M." +24298,1,What is ET short for? Because he has short legs +24299,1,One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight. Those kids never stood a chance +24300,0,Tony Hawk has a pet bird It’s name? Tony Squawk +24301,2,Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair: 1. Always use the right tool for the job. 2. The right tool is always a hammer. 3. Every tool can be used as a hammer. +24302,2,"Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh "" You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear"" And you know what he said? "" “You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”" +24303,2,"I went to a zoo the other day, and the only animal I could find was a dog... Turns out it was a shitzu" +24304,0,I've had my prostate exam yesterday I've passed. +24305,3,What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometer Cyrus +24306,1,How do you tell the gender of cotton? Check for cotton balls. +24307,0,What do you call an affair you have next to your bed? A one night stand. +24308,0,I just bought a tent with a toilet in it Shit's intense +24309,2,What do you call a family of geese crossing a road? speed bumps +24310,0,What did the narcissistic CO2 molecule do when it entered into the tree? It took a selfie. +24311,0,Want to hear a joke about helium? He he he. +24312,1,What do Dating & Blackjack Have In Common? I always hit on a soft twelve. +24313,3,"An Irishman orders three pints of Guinness An Irishman walks into a local pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them all, settles his tab, and goes on his way. The next day, the same man walks into the same pub around the same time and again orders three pints of Guinness. He drinks them down, settles up, and goes on his way. The next day, the man repeats this process. This goes on for several weeks until the bartender can’t resist anymore. “Mate, I’ve seen you come in here every day at the same time and order three pints of Guinness. What gives?” The man responds, “I’ve got a mate in England and a mate in Wales. We used to go drinking together all the time but now we live apart, you see. So, we each go to our local pub and order a round at the same time of day, just like we used to.” This goes on for several months until one day, the man walks into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The bartender is immediately concerned. “What happened? Did one of your mates pass away?” The Irishman takes a swig from his glass and looks up. “No, I quit drinking.”" +24314,3,A guy with short term memory loss walks into a bar. A guy with short term memory loss walks into a bar. +24315,0,I’m on a whiskey diet Lost 3 years already +24316,3,"Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says ""Hey, did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease? It's spreading pretty fast."" The other cow says ""Yeah. Good thing I'm a helicopter.""" +24317,1,What's a polar bears favourite pasta? Penguini! +24318,6,"There was an old lady at a ATM today, she asked me if I could help check her balance. So I pushed her over." +24319,0,Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives? A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment. +24320,3,"A Jewish man rubs a lamp. POOF: Genie. “You get one wish.” Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.” Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?” Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last blowjob.” Genie: “Can I see that map again?” Credit: Al Frankin" +24321,1,"Before my prostate exam... The doc asked me if I wanted some laughing gas to relax. I asked him if he thought it was necessary. And he said, ""Not really. I just do it for shits and giggle.""" +24322,0,"Three kids are talking to each other... 1st kid : ""My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."" 2nd kid : ""My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."" 3rd kid : ""My dad loves dressing up as a nun.""" +24323,2,"Doctor 1: I’m afraid you have pneumonia. Patient: What’s pneumonia? Dad Doctor, bursting into the room: Not much, monia, what’s pneu with you?" +24324,1,"What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor? A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!" +24325,1,What does Kellogg’s have in common with Ned and Catelyn Stark? They’re both responsible for Raisin’ Bran. +24326,1,It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. +24327,0,"Did you know I am part of the 1% of Rare, Beautiful, handsome and modest people!" +24328,0,"Teach a man to make a sandwich, he will eat for a day. Teach a feminist to make a sandwich, she will complain for a lifetime." +24329,1,What do you call a a moose who can't stop drinking? An elkoholic +24330,1,"Hey Dad, I'll be right back Dad: ""Ok Right Back, I'll be Left Front""" +24331,0,What is the difference between a motorcycle and a vacuum? ? The dirt bags are in different positions. +24332,1,"What do you call a good looking guy who can cook, clean, do his own laundry, great at sex, rich and responsible? *Imaginary*" +24333,1,"The optimist sees the light in the tunnel, The pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel, The realist sees the train in the tunnel, The traindriver sees 3 idiots on the railway." +24334,8,"I'm sorry and ""I apologize"" usually mean the same thing ...except at a funeral " +24335,2,"A jumper cable walked into a bar The bartender said ""I'll serve you, but don't start anything!""" +24336,2,Ray Charles walks into a bar... and a stool and a table +24337,0,"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." +24338,0,I once submitted 10 puns to a word-play contest hoping one would win. But no pun-in-ten-did. +24339,2,"This girl I have a huge crush on said she loves me like a brother... Which is great, because she’s from Alabama." +24340,1,Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family? Arse skin for a friend. +24341,2,"I asked 100 women what shampoo they prefer to use in the shower They all replied with ""how did you get in here!?""" +24342,1,"Yo mama is so fucking slutty, she is the ""it"" that Nike told everyone to do." +24343,2,"*knock knock* ""Who's there?"" ""An interrupting southerner"" ""An interrupti-"" ""Actually it was about states' rights!""" +24344,0,A friend of mine recently got his BS degree I asked him what he was going to do with his new degree. He said: “I’m going to start by posting bullshit on Facebook then move on to be a pro on Reddit.” +24345,3,Just been reading some reviews of the solar system Can't believe it only got 1 star. +24346,2,"Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me. ""What do you mean by that?""" +24347,1,You ever invite sodium to a party? Na +24348,3,"I laid in bed last night, looking up at the stars and I said to myself- Where the hell is my ceiling!? " +24349,0,Why is Donald Trump like a Gibbering Mouther from DnD? Both are all mouth and no balls. +24350,1,More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more +24351,6,My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous... I’ve never met herbivore. +24352,0,What if... ...there were no hypothetical questions? +24353,1,I cried when my dad chopped up onions Onions was a good dog +24354,3,Had a dream about a muffler last night.... I woke up exhausted. +24355,6,What do you call a priest who became a lawyer? A father in law. +24356,3,"On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, ""I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me"". Bride: Kiss my ass!" +24357,4,My wife thinks I’m not sensitive. So I got her some beads of an abacus for her birthday. Her: What the hell are these? Me: It’s the little things that count. +24358,3,"A Soviet citizen, a Texan and an Australian walk in to a bar The Texan stands up on his barstool and shoots the cap of his beer and says “my name is bill, buffalo bill” Then the Australian stands up and throws a boomerang around the room before knocking the cap of his beer and saying “ my name is bill, boomerang bill” Then the Soviet sits for a while thinking about how he can top what they just did. So after awhile he stands up and pulls down his pants and showing his two dicks and saying “my name is bill, Chernobill" +24359,0,What happens when redditors die? RIP in box +24360,3,Not every couple goes to the gym Because some relationships don't work out +24361,1,What’s the difference between New York and Paris? Paris only lost one tower +24362,1,"A Pair of Slippers and A Dildo Two guys are sitting around talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day Todd : ""So, what did you get your wife for Valentines day?"" Mark : ""I got her this BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. She shows this thing off wherever she goes. She wears it to the store, out to get the mail, to the gas station, etc. She loves it man. What about you?"" Todd : ""Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo..."" Mark : ""What the fuck? That's rather odd for Valentines day don't ya think?"" Todd : ""Actually, it makes perfect sense. If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself"" " +24363,4,"Women always call me ugly,until they find out how much money I make Then,they call me ugly and poor" +24364,1,I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at. It really brought back a lot of memories. +24365,5,"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, ""My friend is dead! What can I do?"" The operator says ""Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."" There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says ""OK, now what?""" +24366,6,"A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy answers... he's drinking his father's favorite scotch and smoking a fresh cigar while wearing his mother's favorite bedsheets as a toga. ""Are your parents home?"" asked the salesman. to which the boy replied, ""Does it fucking look like it?"" " +24367,1,Whats with blunt objects? I just don't see the point... +24368,0,"Solution A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings. The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, ""There IS a solution!"", and then burns to death. " +24369,2,What kind of eels can travel on land? Wheels. +24370,0,If anti-wrinkle creams were really effective... then women wouldn't have fingerprints anymore. +24371,0,What do the words of an uncouth dishonest peace activist and a zoo with only two animals have in common? Lying hippy's potty mouth. +24372,3,Dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it +24373,2,They say laughter is the best medicine That’s why I laugh at people with AIDS +24374,2,"A fly is flying over a lake (long) Thinks to himself if I fly lower it will be cooler. A fish in the lake is thinking at the same time if that fly comes lower I can jump up and have my lunch! A bear on the side of the lake is thinking if that fly goes down the fish will jump up and I can run out and have my lunch. A hunter in the woods is thinking if the fly goes down the fish will jump up the bear will run out and I can take my shot! A mouse at the same time is thinking if the fly goes down the fish will jump up the bear will run out , the man will drop his sandwich and I can run out and get my lunch! At the same time a cat is thinking if the fly goes down, the fish will jump up, the bear will run out the man will drop his sandwich, the mouse will run out and I can get my lunch! And so the fly went down, the fish jumped up, the bear ran out, the man dropped his sandwich for the shot and the mouse ran out- saw the cat and ran to the lake. The cat chasing after lost footing and fell into he lake. The moral of the story? When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet." +24375,5,"My computer said I had to change my password, so I entered “beefstew”… My computer said, “Sorry, password not stroganoff.”" +24376,0,What did a host termite told to a visitor termite? Have a seat. +24377,0,Did you know the hardest angle can be found on the human body? It can be found on the vertex of the left and right leg. +24378,2,What do you call terrorists born between 1945 and 1964? Ka-boomers +24379,0,A lion would never cheat on his mate. But a tiger would! +24380,1,"Stan and May went to the carnival like every other year... And every year Stan would see the attraction he wanted to go But May would always say: ""It's 10 dollars,and 10 dollars is 10 dollars"" The operator of the attraction overhead what they said and went to them and said : ""I'll make you a deal, I'll let you go on the ride for free ..but if a sound from you is heard during the ride, you'll pay the 10 dollars.Deal?"" The couple agreed and went with the deal On the first round,not a scream was heard.On the second, nothing was heard as well.The operator did all the loops and twists and turns he could have done but not a sound was still heard on the third round.When the ride ended,the operator congratulated Stan and was impressed that not a sound was heard. Stan followed to say:I was gonna say something when May fell out of the ride, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars." +24381,4,I can't stand Russian dolls! They're so full of themselves. +24382,0,"Amy Winehouse dies and goes up to heaven. There's a long queue at the Pearly Gates but St Peter beckons her to the front. She asks, ""Do I get preferable treatment because I'm famous?"" St Peter says, ""No, we're waiting for a Norwegian translator.""" +24383,2,What do you call pasta from the hood? Spaghetto +24384,0,"I started taking cooking lessons. The teacher asked, ""does anybody know any French cooking techniques."" ""Sure,"" I said and tried to flip an egg only using my tongue." +24385,4,Did you know pigeons die after sex? Well the one I fucked did. +24386,0,Even years after completing rehab for habitual lying It's impossible to relax. I find it hard to lie still. +24387,2,"Despite the fact she is a Democrat, Monica Lewinsky decided to vote for Trump in the last election... ....she said to her friend, ""I'd like to vote for Hillary, but the last Clinton left a very foul taste in my mouth.""" +24388,0,What's a Mexican Triathlon? When a mexican goes to the local public pool and bikes back afterwards. +24389,2,What do you call a gynecologist who’s good at their job? A vagician. +24390,1,"Red Riding Hood & Wolf Little Red was walking down the woods, when all of a sudden she saw a ""big bad"" wolf, staring at her from behind the bushes! His eyes all big and bloody red! She said: "" Oh my! What big eyes y...?!"" - ""Beat it kid! I'm taking a dump!!"" " +24391,1,"When we were kids, we had a turtle as a nanny She tortoise everything we know" +24392,5,What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? A Hippo is heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter. +24393,2,Me: Why do women always disagree with men? Lady: That's not true... +24394,3,"A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says ""wow...your baby is beautiful"". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her ""oh no I don't"".......... ......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says ""I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you.""" +24395,4,What does my girlfriend and the √-100 have in common? They're both perfect 10's. But they're also imaginary. +24396,0,What are a NEET's favorite type of shoes? REEEEEEEEEEEEBOKS +24397,2,When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof... I was shocked +24398,6,My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships... Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer. +24399,1,I've had bad luck with European women Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain) Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach Lauren Gitis -- too quiet Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me Scarlet Feva -- you do this one +24400,1,Who annoyed Polyphemus even more then Odysseus? Nobody +24401,0,There's a new perfume being marketed to the super rich that contains a singular ingredient... ...it's called One Pure Scent. +24402,1,I didn't realise that Winnie the Pooh had a happy ending. Until Christopher Robin got arrested. +24403,5,How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thinly you slice them. +24404,5,Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives. +24405,1,In the words of Kurt Cobain Check this sweet no scope +24406,2,With all the bad luck the US has seen in the past couple years... It's almost as if it were built on an Indian burial ground Happy Thanksgiving! +24407,7,I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke but you guys didn't like it +24408,1,"A man rings work to tell them he's sick. ""How sick are you?"" ""How sick? Well, I'm fucking my sister for a start.""" +24409,2,"“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?” Dad: Terminal velocity." +24410,1,What did the alpacas go as for their group costume? The zombie alpacalypse +24411,0,"Shirly-Mae goes to the sherif's... ""Oh sherif, mah husband Buck wen out fishin' on the bayou jus las evenin, and he ain't come home! i is worried sick!"" ""well alright. me n the boys will go lookin. don't you worry miss, we'll find him, sure enough"" ""thank yew, sherif. would yew please call me when you do?"" ""yes ma'am."" so sherif and the boys go a-lookin, and sure enough, find Buck. sherif calls Shirly-Mae ""Now ma'am, we found your husband. I got some good news, and some bad news. Bad news is, we found Buck dead on the bottom of the bayou, all a-crawlin with crab. Good news is, we settin him out again tomorrow!""" +24412,1,"How do you catch a bear? First, you dig a hole. Then, you fill it with ashes. Then, you line the rim of the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea. You kick him in the ash hole!" +24413,0,What do you get when you kiss a Canary? Chirppies- an untweatable disease. +24414,3,"Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses You'll still eat it you fat fuck. " +24415,0,What is a fitting name for an arrogant mohel? Hugh Bris +24416,0,What does one toe cell say to another replicated toe cell? You’re mytoesis! +24417,3,I want to get a job cleaning mirrors That's something I could really see myself doing +24418,0,My clothing business has almost gone bankrupt It is hanging by a thread +24419,0,Old Christmas favorite Got breakfast at the diner. They serve eggs Benedict on hub caps. Because there’s no place like chrome for the hollandaise. +24420,0,"Gandhi was prone to many ailments, including skin hardening, emotional sensitivity, low bone density leading to bone fracture, overly philosophical, and prone to bad breath. He was often dubbed as.... A super fragile, callused mystic, hexed by halitosis. He was often mocked by films, most notably a musical number in the Disney Movie, Mary Poppins, where the term, 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' Was a subtle hint to his conditions......" +24421,0,What's the difference between Jon Snow and Donald Trump? Jon Snow fights against wight supremacy. +24422,1,Who's the funniest princess? Ra-pun-zel +24423,1,I can't say enough good things about my grandmother. She just isn't very nice. +24424,0,"An extremely Italian man sees a doctor about his eating disorder Doctor, I need your advice: I stress eat soppressata to suppress'a my feelings" +24425,0,What do you call.. What do you call toothless bear. A gummy bear! +24426,2,What’s the collective noun for sneezes? A choo. +24427,1,If my surname was 'Case'... I'd name my son 'Justin' Just in case. +24428,5,"A guy goes to a supermarket to buy food... A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, ""Do you have a dog sir?"" ""Yes, it's at home,"" replies the man. ""To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy,"" says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. ""Do you own a cat sir?"" asks the cashier. ""Yes I do, it's at home,"" says the man. ""Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food,"" says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. ""Here,"" he says to the cashier, ""put your hand in here."" The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. ""It is all soft and warm,"" she says. ""Yes, that's right,"" says the man, ""I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper.""" +24429,1,Why do origami artists make terrible poker players? They always fold. +24430,0,"A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors ""Doctor, I've been taking steroids and have grown a cock."" ""I see."" Said the Doctor. ""Anabolic?"" ""No, just a cock.""" +24431,2,"Little Johnny in Sunday school So little Johnny is in Sunday school for weeks and every time the answer to all the questions is Jesus! So the teacher asks little Johnny. What is black and has white spots and makes a moo sound. Little Johnny says well it sounds awfully like a cow, but I’m gonna say it’s Jesus!" +24432,1,"A man was driving along a highway. A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “‘Hair Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”" +24433,0,Why didn't the invisible man and women's kids get into modeling school? They were nothing to look at. +24434,1,Why are sinners always caught? cos / sin = cot +24435,2,What did the buffalo say before sending his son off to college? Bison +24436,7,Why does the pope not want to be cremated? Because he is still alive. +24437,0,Opinions are like assholes Everyone’s stinks. +24438,3,How do you make Pumpkin Pie? Take the circumference of the pumpkin and divide it by the diameter of the pumpkin +24439,2,"I got back from Joker and my sister asked if I got taller. Nah, I just rose up." +24440,4,"What is a pirate's favorite letter?... If you think R, you be wrong, matey. For it be the mighty C." +24441,5,"I hope death is a woman… That way, it will never come for me…" +24442,7,What do you call someone who take things literally A kleptomaniac! +24443,0,An extinguisher went up to a fire it was attracted to... It decided to make a P.A.S.S. at it. +24444,3,All Mexicans are yes men Si what I mean? +24445,0,"I just installed the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 ROM onto my Samsung Galaxy Note 3, and now it won't boot up. This blows." +24446,1,Women jokes are not funny Period. +24447,0,How do you call a security guard at Samsung. Guardian of Galaxy +24448,0,"What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick" +24449,4,"A pirate walks into a bar A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”. The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”." +24450,3,I tried changing my password to beef stew. But it wasn't stroganoff. +24451,2,What do you say to someone with an IQ of 15? Nice weld. +24452,0,"What are we doing for dinner? My wife, (who is also my cousin) asked ""what are we doin for dinner"" I responded ""The chicken, we are going to pluck it!""" +24453,2,"I want to watch the new Dwayne Johnson movie, but also want to watch the new Kevin Hart movie... I guess you could say I'm caught between The Rock and a Hart place" +24454,4,"I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. I left her though, because she was seeing someone on the side." +24455,0,"Golf is like politics... It's dominated by old, white men and full of sex scandals." +24456,1,What does a sore throat and a pony have in common They're both a little horse +24457,0,What was white outside and black inside? The White House. +24458,0,"Get in line A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ""What the hell do you think you're doing?"" ""I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."" ""Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?""" +24459,7,"A joke my second grade teacher used to tell Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat. There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him. The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him. Timmy replied, ""I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks.""" +24460,0,The Clickbait Jokes would have been WAY more funny if it had gone like this..... Seriously? +24461,2,Trump's favorite movie? Wall-e +24462,1,What does dog poo and women have in common ? The older they get the easier they are to pick up. +24463,3,I think I’ve been hacked by Russia Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day. +24464,1,What kind of fruit always has big weddings? Can’t-elope +24465,2,What did the socialist use before candles? electricity +24466,0,My girlfriend said she had a surprise for me. . . She pulled me aside and told me that she got a letter from the bank and that our balance was outstanding. +24467,4,Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? *sigh* I used to love tractors +24468,7,"Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned. I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!" +24469,2,It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living... She sells sea shells on the sea shore +24470,0,I like my women like I like my olive oil Extra virgin and black +24471,0,Math joke There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator but I still can’t find the difference +24472,0,James Bond Met a Chick During An Operation. James: *The Name's Bond. James Bond.* Chick: *The Name's Ken. Chick Ken.* +24473,1,"Doctor.....i see dead people Doctor: ""okay....when exactly do you see them?"" ""Every time I kill someone""" +24474,2,"Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender? The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks. " +24475,1,Did you know that the softest part in a woman's body is that area between her anus and her vagina? No matter how hard you smash your eggs in there they would not crack. +24476,1,I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan Dr.: No +24477,1,why do gorillas have such big nostrils? because they have big fingers +24478,3,How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking.... Jk Rowling +24479,1,"Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to the houses of parliament in London one morning. When they arrive they are told that late last night someone came and stole the Magna Carta. When they get to the area where the Magna Carta is kept Holmes says to Watson ""look the Magna Carta is missing"". Watson turns to Sherlock and replies "" no sheet Sherlock""" +24480,1,"A fun story about Dungeons and Dragons I remember reading this great story, goes somewhere along these lines: The party is traveling on a mountain in a blizzard, and every member rolls to see if they fall from the cliff. A dwarf warrior doesn't pass the check due to his armor, and falls. DM: You fall from the cliff but have some time to do something. What do you do? Dwarf: I flap my arms really hard. DM: Really? Dwarf: Not like I have any other options. DM: Ok, roll the dice. Dwarf rolls a 20. DM: ... roll again. Dwarf rolls a 20 again. DM is abash. DM: *sigh*. With an astonished look on their faces, the party beholds a miraculous sight. A dwarf in heavy armor is slolwy rising up above the cliff, flapping his arms really, really hard." +24481,2,"Man visits a doctor. Man: Doc, i keep thinking that I am invisible. Doctor: Who said that?" +24482,3,Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend? He saw her sucking someone else. +24483,1,"1st Prize at the Flower Show Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, ""Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"" ""You're on!"" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrills whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. ""What happened?"" asked her waiting friend. ""I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!""" +24484,3,"Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, ""in HD"" wasn't the correct answer" +24485,2,What's yellow and you definitely should not drink? A schoolbus +24486,1,What did my step-dad say before bludgeoning by brother to death with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson. +24487,0,What does Aladdin and Princess Jasmine like putting on their food? Sultan Pepper +24488,0,"As I dropped my son off at school, I gave him a laundry pod As I passed it to him, I said, ""son, if you get hungry this morning, this should Tide you over until dinner time.""" +24489,1,Whats the age of consent in Thailand? 50$ +24490,1,"I walked into the doctors office and he said ""pick a star sign any star sign"" I said umm Capricorn He no you got Cancer" +24491,2,Why did the fish accept its death after losing its respiratory organs? Because it lost the gill to live. +24492,2,"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. " +24493,2,Do you know how to avoid reposted click-baits? Apparently not +24494,0,I've always been confused as to why I'm addicted to coins. I just can't make heads or tails of it. +24495,0,Why can’t you play UNO with a Mexican? He’ll steal all the green cards. +24496,2,What sexual position produces the ugliest children? Go ask your mother. +24497,4,How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazilian +24498,0,I think I've found the pefect presidential candidate for Kazakhstan His name is Kazakhsthanos +24499,6,Two men went to the barbers for a shave...... They were both almost done when the barber reached for the aftershave when the first man said “Don't put that shit on me‚ my wife will think I've been in a whore house.” The other man then turned to his barber and said “ you can put it on me ‚ my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore house smells like.” Edit-words +24500,2,Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. +24501,0,Do you think you will have to wear diapers when you get older? It depends +24502,0,Why did the family ask for the Ushers to carry the coffin? To make it less of an undertaking +24503,1,"A girl I knew found out I was talking about her behind her back and got really mad She yelled ""You discussed me!""" +24504,4,What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common? A two hour wait for a two minute ride. +24505,0,"What did the right nut say to they left nut ? Hey, the guy in the middle is a dick." +24506,1,"A bus driver stumbles into a bar... And plops down on the seat. He orders a beer from the bartender and finishes half of it before looking around at the motley assortment of characters that comprised his fellow patrons. ""What kinda bar is this, anyways?"" He asked the bartender. ""Not to judge, but I'm just your average Joe bus driver, and these people are total wackos."" The bartender nodded, ""They're all bus drivers too. "" ""No way"" exclaimed the bus driver, ""even the blonde over there? I just saw her sit on a cue ball trying to get it to hatch."" ""Bus Driver"" ""And that farmer over there with the chicken that's fucking everything that moves?"" ""He actually tends his farm when he's not driving buses"" ""And little Johnny? I DRIVE him to school on the bus. "" "" Yup."" ""Can he even see over the steering wheel?"" ""Don't know."" All of a sudden a man laughed, and the entire group of bus drivers, old, young, doctors, criminals, extraterrestrial and animal dragged a bloody pulp of a horse from a closet and began to circle around it. ""They get like this every time someone tries a little comedy"" the bartender sighed. ""What the hell? Are they beating that wretched thing? What do you even call a place like this?"" ""The good ol' #90562""" +24507,0,Does it smell like poop? Or am I just imagining shit? +24508,0,Made this one up at work the other day... What do you call a salad dressing that you didn't like? . . . . . . . . Balsamic Vinai-regrette +24509,0,"It’s the same thing joke A couple goes to see a therapist; Therapist: hey there, what brings you to my office today? Couple: I once overheard my partner tell his friend “it’s the same thing” and so I asked “why are we together?” Therapist: here is the divorce lawyer’s number. " +24510,2,joke Do you know why birds sing in the morning ? Because they don't have to go to fucking work. +24511,1,"Why do cops patrol in pairs? Why do cops patrol in pairs? One can read, and the other can write. \\~\\~\\~\\~ Why are they sometimes accompanied by a dog? So it can keep the two intellectuals safe. \\~\\~\\~\\~ Why don't cops eat pickles? Because their heads don't fit into jars. \\~\\~\\~\\~ Man hears knocking on the door. ""Who's there?"" ""The Police!"" ""Why are you here?"" ""We just want to talk!"" ""How many of you are there?"" ""Two."" ""Then talk with each other."" \\~\\~\\~\\~ Why do cops have one black stick, and one white stick? If there's a citizen resisting, the cop can use the black stick to pacify them. If there's a dangerous criminal nearby, the cop takes out the white stick and pretends to be blind." +24512,1,What do you call a shipment of chips? A chipment. +24513,2,A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need. +24514,2,Light beer is like having sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water +24515,0,"WHAT OTHER ILLNESSES DO I HAVE?! I told my doctor I think I'm a hypochondriac. As usual, the medicine he gave me isn't working." +24516,5,"(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance. " +24517,3,What do you call a mind reading satnav? A Tell-a-path +24518,2,"I asked my friend why he only smokes pot right outside of his front yard where he'd be more likely to be caught... He said ""Because my dad said it's a gateway drug""" +24519,1,I quit doing drugs. It was high time. +24520,4,"It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’ " +24521,0,"After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured. Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand - he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, ""This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"" ""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays....but I fish on Fridays.""" +24522,0,You should stop using straws to drink. You suck while doing it. +24523,3,What’s the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence. +24524,2,Elon Musk People always talk about how great of an entrepreneur Elon Musk is but he's yet to create a cologne called Elon's Musk. +24525,2,"The past , future and present walk into a bar It was tense." +24526,1,My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs. So I bought a six foot straw. +24527,5,"What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection? Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well" +24528,2,I just got the news that my dad’s cancer is in remission But I’m still hopeful. +24529,3,This guy at a party tried pressuring me into getting a tattoo... ..but I reminded him I have the right to bare arms. +24530,0,Why is Spider-Man so good at telling jokes? Because he is great at finding them on the web +24531,4,What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name +24532,4,"Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends? Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo." +24533,2,Why did the woman with myopia fall down the well? Because she couldn't see that well +24534,0,What’s the hardest part about being a Liberal? Telling your gender neutral parental units that you’re straight. +24535,0,Life is like a box of chocolates If you don't like chocolate you can go fuck yourself +24536,0,"My friends accused me of making jokes about David Bowie I said ""Oh no, not me""" +24537,0,Fortnite is like this joke Cancerous +24538,2,"if a dog was a contractor, what would his specialty be? roofing" +24539,3,"My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while... I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand " +24540,2,Why do they have changing rooms in the Special Olympics? Because vegetables are better with dressing. +24541,0,"A user on r/jokes was the first to comment ""repost"" Everyone in the thread was amazed and grateful for the information. There will be a parade and ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow morning. " +24542,3,"Which animals are most difficult to impress? Goats Because they find everything ""Mehhhhhhhhh""." +24543,4,I like my slave like my I like my coffee Free +24544,0,"Two drunk guys Two drunk guys try to pick up two girls. The girls go home with them, but slip blow-up dolls into their beds and leave. The next morning, one guy tells the other, ""I think my girl was a witch! When I bit her on the tit, she hissed and flew away.""" +24545,2,"Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light.. But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one" +24546,3,"I'm afraid to try bungie jumping. Was already born because of broken rubber, don't want to die because of it." +24547,1,"Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, ""I'm not a complete idiot!"" She smiled at me and purred, ""I know honey."" ""Some parts are missing.""" +24548,2,I wrote down a joke about Flight MH370... ...but I don't know where it went +24549,3,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. +24550,0,My elected representatives and the executives of the firm I work at are going to be in the News soon ! Thanks Panama Papers ! +24551,1,You can fit 63 Earths in Uranus 64 if you relax +24552,0,How do you get down from an elephant? ... You don't. You get down from a goose! +24553,1,Do you want to here a joke about TCP Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? +24554,0,"I recently got my favorite letter tattooed on my ass. My mother wasn't very happy. ""But, why?"" she groaned. ""Exactly,"" I told her." +24555,0,"I played a round of golf so well today, I thought my score belonged here on r/jokes. It was subpar. " +24556,0,Why don't you see any transgendered parents? Because they're trans-parent +24557,1,"I prepared the chicken earlier. I said, ""Listen, there's no easy way to say this...""" +24558,0,Why are Thai women White? Because they are cock-asian +24559,3,"Dating a hoarder I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of." +24560,3,What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood? A spaghetto. +24561,2,What do you call someone who is attracted to Hispanic boys? A Pedrophile. +24562,1,What do you call a gay friend that you fuck A Butty +24563,2,My girlfriend in college was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number. I wonder what she is up to now. +24564,1,What are the stores called that sell fake IKEA replicas? LIKEA +24565,0,"A toilet walks into a bar... Sits down orders a drink, bartender asks ""Hey tough day""? Toilet replies "" I don't want to talk about it I've seen some shit""" +24566,2,What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat? Cowboy hats are for assholes. +24567,1,Knock Knock. Who’s there? Hatch. Hatch Who? Bless You. +24568,0,I've found I rarely see eye-to-eye with people... I wish I wasn't so damn tall. +24569,2,"A ghost flies into a bar. The bartender sighs and says, ""Sorry, we don't serve spirits.""" +24570,0,"Old people at weddings poke me and say ""Your next"". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals." +24571,1,"It's graduation day . . . All the seniors are gathered in the auditorium for the ceremony. While generally a happy occasion, there is a bit of sadness among the students, because Kyle, the most popular student, will not be graduating. At one point during the ceremony, the seniors begin chanting: Let Kyle graduate, Let Kyle graduate, Let Kyle graduate! The principal, being in a good mood, spots Kyle in the audience and calls out to him, ""Kyle, stand up. To please your classmates, I am going to give you a chance to join them in graduation. Answer me one question. Kyle, if you have 5 cherries in one hand, and 5 cherries in the other hand, how many cherries do you have?"" Kyle thinks for a moment, then, hesitantly, lifts his head and answers, ""10??"" Immediately, the seniors break out in a new chant: Give Kyle another chance, give Kyle another chance, give Kyle another chance!" +24572,4,(NSFW) What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged. +24573,3,"Im dyslexic, I often get my my b's and d's mixed up... My uncle has a similar problem, he gets his 1's and 2's mixed up. He can't distinguish between ""12"" and ""21"". The difference between us is that He's in prison." +24574,2,"Sexist jokes are the best everyone knows that, except women because they don’t know anything." +24575,1,Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should +24576,1,I used to have a career installing cash machines I'm sure there's a joke in here somewhere but I can't think of one ATM +24577,0,Poor Debbie Reynolds I guess she just couldn't Carrie on. +24578,2,How did the tortoise win the race? He recruited dudes with some cross-hares. +24579,2,I want to die the same way my grandpa did: peacefully sleeping Not like those poor passengers in the car he was driving. +24580,0,"Having my owner carjacked was bad enough. said one car to the other. ""But you know what really grinds my gears?"" The idiot didn't know how to drive a manual transmission!" +24581,2,How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket +24582,0,"I had a job interview at a western grill. It was my third job interview of the month, so I was glad when the interviewer said, ""You'll do just fine here, partner. I just need to make sure you'll fit in 'round here.""   He was taking my outside when he stopped and said, ""Hold on, you'll want'a wear this here hat."" It was a ridiculous ten gallon hat, but I needed the job so I wore it.   ""Looks darn tootin' on ya. Now, make finger guns and shoot me down!"" I stopped for a second. ""What?"" ""Come on, now. If you can't do at least this-"" So I made finger guns and sound effects, ""Pow! Pow! Pow!"" ""You got me! Hahaha!"" He laughed, and took me back to his office.   I begged to him, ""Can I get the job now?"" This 'interview' was getting out of hand. Still laughing, he continued, ""Now, son, look in this here spittoon!""   Disgusted, I couldn't take the mockery any longer. ""I'm not looking at your spit."" He looked back at me, ""You're right. Let's get back to business. Unfortunately, I can't give you the job."" ""Why not?"" ""Well you didn't meet my expectorations.""" +24583,2,"A Guy Goes Into A Dentist's Office A guy goes into a dentist's office. The dentist says, ""How can I help you?"" The guy says, ""I'm a moth."" The dentist says, ""Excuse me?"" The guy says again, ""I'm a moth. ""The dentist says, ""I think maybe you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a dentist."" The guy says, ""I saw a psychiatrist."" The dentist says, ""So what are you doing here?"" The guy says, ""Your light was on.""" +24584,0,What's the difference between steam and condensation? One can appear on windows and the other tends to make my palms wet. I'm bored. +24585,3,What comes up but never comes down? Russian Cosmonauts +24586,2,"Prayer can solve so many problems but manners can also prevent. A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 & asks which ones he wanted. “Well,” he says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now & she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner at her parents house & then we’re going out. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack!” The young man makes his purchase and leaves, later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He politely asks if he may give the blessing & they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over & says, “you never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans over to her and says, “you never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”" +24587,2,"Did you hear about when Trump fought in Vietnam? A few soldiers were discussing our new President and how worthy he was to serve. They mocked him endlessly until a Private spoke up. ""Didn't you know The President fought in Vietnam?"" ""He ain't no soldier, you maggot!"" ""No its true! Although I heard he was very controversial and ended up causing more harm than good. I'm sure you've heard about the devastation caused by Agent Orange!""" +24588,2,Karl Marx's Grave It's just a Communist plot +24589,2,What's Waluigi's favorite wine? Pinot Niwaaaaah! +24590,3,I never drink and drive I do my drinking before driving +24591,4,"My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die." +24592,1,"I still can't decide on what my opinion should be about whether or not abortion should be legal On one hand I support the killing of babies, but on the other hand I don't like giving women a choice." +24593,2,"An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number String replies, ""Sorry, you're not my type.""" +24594,0,What does a Mon Calamari terrorist say? Allahu Ackbar! +24595,0,What do you call a cold hotdog? A cold-dog +24596,2,"They demolished my local Domino's Pizza shop... yesterday, and then all the other shops on the street fell down. " +24597,2,If a Muslim beats his wife... Would it be domestic violence or child abuse? +24598,2,"Having sex often keeps your memory sharp. With that, I wish you all a productive 2015!" +24599,2,How do you call a nationwide spread of bad jokes? Pundemic. I'll show myself out. +24600,2,"My mom asked me how I can have fun playing video games all the time... I said, ""They're actually designed that way.""" +24601,2,What do you call an unwanted sext? A molext. +24602,0,I bet jelly fish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish. +24603,1,"Can you believe my coworker called me patronizing? Oh, sorry, patronizing is when you talk down to someone." +24604,0,"A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?' A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?' The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'. The little duck walks out. The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?' 'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ' The duck walks out. Next day, again, 'got any duck food?' The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!' The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? ' The guy says 'what?... no'. '...got any duck food?'" +24605,2,"Marrige A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, ""Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days.""" +24606,2,Me and my wife were happy for 20 years ... and then we met. +24607,0,What do you call the ghost of a lewd Canadian rooster? Boo-Cock-Eh? But only if you want him to come. +24608,10,"Donald J. Trump has been impeached Finally, something he's earned" +24609,4,"Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time... When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes. Apparently she stood him up." +24610,1,Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head +24611,3,"I saw 2 blind men fighting... And said,""My bet's on the one with the knife."" Then they both ran away." +24612,0,Me: Want to hear a ghost joke My friend: Sure Me: That's the spirit +24613,2,Pollen: When flowers can't keep it in their plants. +24614,0,Not many people know Charlton Heston was a woman who changed gender? Yes ... he been her. +24615,2,Why couldn’t the robot pirate acknowledge his crew? He was waiting on an “aye” patch. +24616,1,I got really badly sunburnt yesterday so i took some viagra... ...it didnt help the sunburn any but it kept the sheets off me. +24617,2,"One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, ""You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."" ""Yes"", laughed the devil, ""but I have all the umpires!”" +24618,0,What is the biggest joke on reddit? /r/The_Donald +24619,1,"Nate the Snake So, there's a man crawling through the desert. He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out. He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that. He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements. After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going. After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town. He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out. He walks through the sand. After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad. But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune. Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees. While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts. He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough. Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can't tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look. He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling. He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it. So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance. He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling. Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area. His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface. Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone. He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling. It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, ""Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"" He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time. Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle. And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him. He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot. Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes. Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all. He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting. He tries to clear his throat to say, ""Hello,"" but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out. He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now. He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, ""Hello? Is there anyone here?"" He hears, from his side, ""Greetings. What is it that you want?"" He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help. ""Please,"" he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, ""I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"" Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, ""Very well. Coming up."" A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him. He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake. ""It'll feel better in a minute."" He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all! ""Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"" ""Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,"" says the snake. ""That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."" ""You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"" ""No,"" says the snake, ""I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."" The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst. ""I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,"" continued the snake. ""I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."" ""Ummm, n-next request?"" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little. ""That's the way it works. If you like, that is,"" explained the snake. ""You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish."" The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs. ""But there are rules,"" the snake continued. ""The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility."" The snake looks at the man seriously. ""By the way,"" the snake says suddenly, ""my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish."" Again, the snake grinned. ""Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening."" The snake give his rattle a little shake. ""Umm, my name is Jack,"" said the man, trying to absorb all of this. ""Jack Samson. ""Can I ask you a question?"" Jack says suddenly. ""What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"" ""That's more than one question,"" grins Nate. ""But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question."" The snake's grin gets wider. ""Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed. ""For the third question,"" Nate continues, ""you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is."" Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin. ""As for the fourth question,"" Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, ""first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."" ""Wait,"" joked Jack, ""isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"" ""I thought that was implied."" Nate continued to look serious. ""Ummm...yeah."" Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. ""So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?"" Jack thought for a second. ""And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"" ""They may, I don't really know,"" said Nate. ""I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"" ""Yeah, they do,"" said Jack. ""I figured,"" replied Nate. ""As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice."" Nate said the last part with utter confidence. Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. ""Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"" Well, Jack,"" said Nate sadly, ""I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request."" Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back. ""Umm, well, ok,"" said Jack, ""what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"" ""Sure!"" said Nate, brightening. ""You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion."" Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him. ""Well, anyway,"" continued Nate, ""I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."" ""Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?"" said Jack. ""And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"" ""Right,"" nodded Nate. ""Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?"" Jack asked, hopefully. ""That takes two requests, Jack."" ""Yeah, I figured so,"" said Jack. ""But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"" ""Well, I could make you very smart,"" admitted Nate, ""but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."" ""Hmmm,"" said Jack. ""Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"" ""Maybe,"" said Nate, ""it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes."" Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders. ""Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"" ""No,"" said Nate. ""Just hold out your hand. Or heel."" Nate grinned. ""Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know,"" Nate said apologetically. Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy. ""Hey, Jack,"" Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, ""is that someone else coming up over there?"" Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food? Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate... Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans... Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. ""I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."" ""I've been doing this a long time, Jack,"" said Nate, confidently. ""You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."" ""Yeah, well, still,"" said Jack, ""it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"" ""More meat in the typical human butt,"" replied Nate. ""And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."" ""Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,"" answered Jack. ""Ok,"" said Nate. ""Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"" ""Just talk,"" said Jack. ""I'll sit here and try to not think about food."" ""We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"" answered Nate. ""Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!"" Jack jumped up. ""What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?"" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours. ""I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,"" replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to. ""Ugh,"" said Jack, sitting back down. ""I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."" ""Ok,"" replied Nate, still grinning. ""But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food. Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. ""You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."" Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically. ""Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,"" said Nate. ""Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here."" Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose. Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving. Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky. Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh! Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. ""In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,"" said Jack. ""Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."" ""It's about 30 miles that way."" Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. ""But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."" Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. ""Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"" ""Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,"" said Nate. ""He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."" ""Garden of Eden, hunh?"" said Jack. ""How long have you been here, Nate?"" ""No idea, really,"" replied Nate. ""A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."" ""So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?"" said Jack. ""Beats me,"" said Nate. ""Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."" ""Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?"" asked Jack. ""Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since. ""What is this place?"" said Jack. ""And what did he ask you to do?"" ""Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?"" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way. ""You can't touch that yet, Jack,"" said Nate. ""Why not?"" asked Jack. ""I haven't explained it to you yet,"" replied Nate. ""Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,"" said Jack. ""You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."" ""Yep, that's what it is,"" replied Nate. ""What does it do?"" asked Jack. ""End the world?"" ""Oh, no,"" said Nate. ""Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'."" For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned. Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. ""Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"" ""Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,"" smirked Nate. ""I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"" Nate continued to grin. ""A lever to end humanity?"" asked Jack. ""What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"" ""Well,"" replied Nate, ""I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't think to ask back when I started here."" ""Rules? What rules?"" asked Jack. ""The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it."" explained Nate. Jack looked somewhat shocked. ""You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"" ""Yep,"" replied Nate, ""if you want to."" Nate looked at Jack carefully. ""Do you want to, Jack?"" ""Umm, no."" said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. ""Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"" ""Yep,"" replied Nate, ""being as he'd be human too."" ""Has anyone ever seriously considered it?"" asked Nate. ""Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"" ""Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here."" Nate grinned some more. Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, ""So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"" ""That seems to be it,"" agreed Nate. ""What kind of criteria do I use to decide?"" said Jack. ""How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"" ""Nope,"" replied Nate. ""You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."" ""But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"" protested Jack. Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. ""You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."" Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. ""Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"" ""Yep,"" replied Nate. ""He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."" ""Sounds like a good guy,"" agreed Jack. ""How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"" ""Well,"" said Nate, ""he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."" ""What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?"" asked Jack. ""He asked me about the third request,"" replied Nate. ""Aha!"" It was Jack's turn to grin. ""And what did you tell him?"" ""I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out."" Nate looked serious again. ""And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."" ""Hmmm."" Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while. Nate watched him, waiting. ""Nate,"" continued Jack, quietly, eventually. ""What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"" Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, ""Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."" ""Ok,"" said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, ""give it to me. Nate looked at Jack's backside. ""Give you what, Jack?"" ""Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too."" Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. ""It did help him, right?"" ""He said it did,"" replied Nate. ""But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."" ""Well, yeah, I can see that,"" said Jack. ""So, give it to me."" Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up. Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both. ""You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?"" asked Nate, shifting position. ""Yeah, yeah, I got that,"" replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice. ""And,"" continued Nate, from his new position, ""do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"" ""Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!"" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. ""Purple?!"" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it. CONTINUES IN COMMENTS " +24620,2,Potable water. Only some people will get it. +24621,4,She told me she was curvy What she didn't tell me was that she had scoliosis +24622,0,I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral. . . Im a choir starter. +24623,0,Why does nobody understand corny jokes? They are hard to digest. +24624,3,What does the Starship Enterprise and a piece of toilet paper have in common? It circles Uranus in search of Klingons. +24625,1,"A pirate names his new ship Data His first mate remarks, ""Data is a fine vessel."" The pirate responds, ""Data *are*!" +24626,2,What happened to the statistician who was arrested? He now has zero degrees of freedom. +24627,6,The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before +24628,1,"I wanted to take up yoga. I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said ""what's your flexibility like?"" I said ""I can't do Tuesdays""." +24629,7,"I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night. As she got in I asked, *""How much for a blow job?""* She said, *""Thirty dollars.""* I said, *""Can you do twenty?""* *""Yeah, okay""*, she replied. I said, *""Great, here's $600 then.""*" +24630,1,Why don't black people get 'Knock Knock' jokes? Because SWAT teams don't knock. +24631,1,"French Pepper A french guest was in a hotel. He phoned room service for some pepper. ""Black pepper or white pepper?"" asked the concierge. ""toilet pepper!""" +24632,1,What type of weather is the most offensive? Darude - Sandstorm +24633,0,"Why did they skip the iPhone 9 and go straight to the iPhone X? Because 7, 8, 9." +24634,0,I wanted to bake you a bundt... but I was stopped by anti-caking agents. +24635,5,I don't get anti-vaxxers. If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire? +24636,0,If there was a plane for every stolen joke on this subreddit This subreddit would be an airport +24637,0,Wait a second I'll get back to you with my propaganda machine +24638,1,What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!! +24639,0,Gonna make a condom industry. Name it Protect-Sean©. +24640,0,Why am I not on Reddit very often? It's because I've already reddit all +24641,0,The soccer coach decided to bring on the gay Arab striker as his side was trailing. The side eventually won. He terrorised the defence and helped the team come from behind. +24642,3,"I was sad when my wife left When my wife left i was sad, lonely and upset. Since then ive got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. Shes going to go mental when she gets home from work! " +24643,4,Our boss called our team over to talk us about sexual harassment Turns out I’m pretty good at it. +24644,1,"A doctor walks into an examination room. He says “Sir, I have good news and bad news”. The guy says “Give me the bad news first”. Doc says “Well, I’m afraid you have cancer. You’ve got six months left at best”. “Well, what’s the good news?” the man asks. The doc replies “See that young, blond nurse with the huge tits over there? I’ve been fucking every night for the last two weeks!”" +24645,2,"The ladies say I'm dynomite in bed. Four seconds and I explode, so Back OFF!" +24646,1,"I had a clock for lunch earlier. I couldn't finish it, it was time consuming." +24647,3,"I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?! Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy... " +24648,0,Why don't you ever see people who identify as the other gender raising children? Because they're *trans-*parent +24649,0,How do you lose a lot of weight really fast? Move to the U.S. +24650,1,"Englishman / Irishman An Englishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his extravagant lifestyle and says, ""Someday, I'll be as rich as that man."" An Irishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his extravagant lifestyle and says, ""Someday, I'll get that bastard!""" +24651,1,What do you call camp for starving cats? Meow-schwitz. +24652,0,Did you hear about Donald Trump opening up his own line of cheese shops? He's going to make America grate again. +24653,1,"I’m posting telepathically today. If you think it’s funny, that’s me." +24654,2,"I nearly got sacked when I was caught masturbating on my first day starting a job as a roofer Luckily, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean..." +24655,2,"A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”" +24656,1,"If you activate a bomb, how do you deactivate it? Quick answers please." +24657,3,If a Jehovah's Witness says a girl has nice knockers... ...is he referring to her breasts or her knuckles? +24658,1,"After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, ""What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?"" I always tell them... We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week... I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays. Credit - Henny Youngman" +24659,3,My dentist says to clean between your teeth after every meal. That's his flossophy. +24660,0,What do you call a chinese poker face? A mahjong face +24661,0,"In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. - One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” - The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.” " +24662,2,Hitler was a penis potato He was a dick-tater +24663,4,How can you tell when you play RPGs way too much? When your girlfriend’s/wife’s pants become a rare drop! +24664,4,"I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes. Rocks are natural, right?" +24665,1,"I was driving with my three young children I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'" +24666,0,What do you call a hen when her egg hatches? A mother clucker +24667,3,EA doesn't mean 'Early Access' It means 'Easy Access' ​ To your wallet. +24668,5,Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins. Fetus Repeatus. +24669,5,I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies. He started charging in advance. +24670,2,What happens to a frog when it breaks down? It gets TOAD away. +24671,3,Whats the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese woman? You have to drop the bomb twice before she understands... +24672,2,"What did the prostitute say when the passenger beside her said he didn't have any cash but really wanted to join the mile high club? ""I don't give a flying fuck."" " +24673,0,Did you hear about the guys who got lost at the music festival? They turned up +24674,7,"Dad, I’m getting married! Dad: Say sorry. Son: Why? Dad: Just say sorry. Son: I haven’t done anything wrong! Dad: Say sorry. Son: Okay, okay! I’m sorry! Dad: You’re ready. " +24675,2,Why doesn’t the computer have any brothers? Because it only has transisters! +24676,1,TIFU by crashing my car The last thing that went through my mind was my anus +24677,0,What does GTA mean? Get your thick ass up +24678,0,I got an ant farm... ...those fuckers didn't grow shit. +24679,2,"What does a bicycle say after a long ride? ""I'm two tired!""" +24680,3,I live in a place where it feels like misery It's Missouri +24681,0,Whats the difference between EA and a repost? EA actual changes the title. +24682,0,What did the melon say to his wife when he lost his keys? Honeydew you know where my keys are? +24683,1,What do you call a piece of cloth that excels at relaxing? ... A napking. +24684,6,"A man walks into a bar...... A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?” Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing ! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks”where did you find him?” “Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp”Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness” “Wow” says the barman. The man then says “as you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp” “Be careful what you wish for tho” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!“ To this the man replies, ” And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?! “ " +24685,0,"What is James Bond's favourite drug? Viagra, so he can Roger Moore." +24686,0,"A farmer gets a letter in the mail... A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived. ""Dear Ronald J. Kse, This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide. Thanks, your neighbors"" Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year. After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up. ""That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years"" said Ron. Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow. After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail. ""Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."" Ron sighs, but thinks ""Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."" Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited... The cleanup was far worse this year. ""But,"" Ron thought, ""there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."" Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy. She exclaimed ""Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"" ""No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..."" said R. Joe Kse " +24687,1,My eyesight is getting better and better... Next year will be 2020.. +24688,3,"Did you know... ...that the prop on the front of a plane is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actully see the pilot sweating." +24689,1,"John gets hired for an Upper Level Management position at a large company. This is the first time he's had an office, a desk phone, and a secretary. Eager to try out his new toys, he dials up his secretary and yells, ""Get me a cup of coffee ASAP!"". The voice on the other end is silent, then responds ""Do you know who I am? I'm the CEO of this company you fool!"" John responds, ""well do you know who I am?"" The CEO says, ""No."" ""Good!"" and John slams down the phone." +24690,1,Did you hear about the Eskimo girl getting gangbanged? She wasn't really Inuit. +24691,8,"The Redneck Joke Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, ""You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."" Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. ""Logic?"" Bubba says. ""What's that?"" The dean says, ""I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"" ""Yeah."" ""Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."" ""That's true, I do have a yard."" ""I'm not done,"" the dean says. ""Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."" ""Yes, I do have a house."" ""And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."" ""I have a family."" ""I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."" ""Yes, I do have a wife."" ""And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."" ""I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"" Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. ""Logic?"" Jim Bob says, ""What's that?"" Bubba says, ""I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"" ""No."" “Then you’re fucking gay.”" +24692,1,I had a job drilling holes for water It was well boring +24693,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. +24694,3,Chewbacca has started a website that gives out all of the Empire's secrets... Wookieeleaks +24695,0,I owe everything to DNA It made me who I am. +24696,1,"When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. ""Is your dad or mom home?"" said the farmer. ""No, they went to town."" ""How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"" ""No, he went with Mom and Dad."" The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, ""I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."" ""Well,"" said the farmer uncomfortably. ""No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant"". The boy thought for a moment, then says, ""You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.""" +24697,0,Had delicious water fowl for dinner. It was duckedent. +24698,1,"What did the dog say when he dared his friend to get neutered Do it, no balls" +24699,2,"I met this awesome girl She is the only support in my life, I think I'm in love. I cantilever. " +24700,0,"Once you've met one member of the Polish parliament, you've met them all. After all, half of them are the Sejm." +24701,0,What do you call an aroused gay neanderthal? HomoErectus. /end joke Sorry terrible joke but I've not heard it before and I woke up with it in my head. +24702,6,What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre +24703,0,What's a penguin's favorite film? Frozen! +24704,2,Why was the Police Officer still in bed? Because he was *undercover*. +24705,2,"What does every women in the world want? Nothing, they’re fine." +24706,2,What's a pirates favourite letter? Most people say the R but it is the C. Argargargargarg +24707,1,What happened to Donald Trump when he visited Switzerland? He Felt the Bern +24708,0,How much pilots does it take to fly a band to their destinations? Twenty one pilots +24709,1,"What did the German say when he lost his glasses? Arch, I can nazi!" +24710,1,How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb? Moths can't change lightbulbs but they keep trying. +24711,2,"What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, ""What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"" I was expecting the answer ""Madam, I’m Adam,"" but one student had a better reply: ""Wow.""" +24712,3,How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. +24713,3,What’s 69 times 2? Dinner for four. +24714,0,I'm really glad Jesus isn't a woman. If he was it's bring a whole new meaning to drinking the blood of Christ. +24715,0,My dad died In the living room +24716,1,Doesn't matter how many CDs you have... Benz has Mercedes. +24717,0,"What did Abraham Lincoln say at the Gettysburg Address? ""Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.""" +24718,7,"My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day. However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For months, he worked and worked on building the perfect vehicle. When he was done, he painted a big ""S"" on the side for his name, Sam. The day of the race finally arrived, and Sam slowly pushed his vehicle up to the starting line with all the other forest critters. Everyone was laughing so hard at him, saying there was no way he could compete with the others. Determined, Sam got in his vehicle and waited for the start. A bird flying overhead called out the countdown. ""Three... Two... One! GO!"" POOF! In a cloud of smoke, Sam had burst ahead and was already yards in front of everyone else. All the other forest critters gaped in astonishment, until a hare who had lost a previous race to a turtle yelled out, ""Wow! Look at that *S car go*!"" " +24719,0,"[LONG]A joke from a second world country A man goes to heaven and meets two other guys. They all start talking about the way they died. First guy: I bought a Bugatti and crushed into a tree and died. Second guy: I bought myself a Lamborghini and was driving fast, at the fast turn my car flipped and crushed on its back and i died. Third guy: I bought myself a BMW and died of hunger. " +24720,2,If you never fell for any clickbait titles ... ... then this is your first time. +24721,3,What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine? A slow poke +24722,0,What did the adenine derivative say when he became a suspect? I'm inosine! *slow backstage exit* +24723,2,What's the difference between herpes and student loan? You could have some fun time before you get herpes. +24724,6,"My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me... but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off." +24725,2,How did the Prince end up getting Homeless? He was throne out. +24726,0,What do you call it when an Australian snitches on an Australian? Throwing them over the bus. +24727,2,"Tell me about yourself 1: Well uhh.. I like dogs 2: Oh, what’s your favourite breed? 1: Any breed is good, they all taste the same anyway" +24728,0,I'm having a beaver curry tonight... It's like a normal curry just a bit otter. +24729,0,A vegetable recently became a TV talk show host It's Okra Winfrey +24730,0,"Did you know the Mountain Dew soda ""Code Red"" was originally named ""Cold Red""? But being a red beverage, only black people were drinking it anyways. When they took that first sip, they would say ""oh that is code"". So the name was changed." +24731,0,Don't you think taking a bath is a bit tasteless? Why not add some salt in it? +24732,2,"Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch both got constipation No shit, Sherlock " +24733,4,"The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances,"" he explains. ""Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."" The man is horrified, ""You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"" ""Well,"" says the proctor, ""you're definitely not the right man for this job then."" The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances,"" the proctor explains. ""Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."" The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. ""I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."" Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. ""We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."" The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet. The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, ""Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!""" +24734,1,"Bought my friend a get better card. She's not sick or anything, but she can get better." +24735,2,What do you call a colonial pharmacist? A PILL-gram. +24736,1,"Sean Connery's doctor told him... ...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. ""Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."" The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days. ""How was it?"" the doctor asked. Sean Connery smiled. ""Eggshell-Lent!"" " +24737,0,"Oprah should be president because she knows a thing or two about the issues. I mean, for the past 20 years she's had her face on every one of them. " +24738,0,What kind of bear wears diapers? Winnie the Pooh +24739,1,The universe is the original hipster It underwent inflation before it was cool. +24740,0,The command prompt was... ...the precursor +24741,2,A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bar tender looks at the pirate perplexed “ Why is there a paper towel on your head?” The pirate looks at him “ Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!” +24742,0,"Alice called her friend John with the news that she married her fiance Claudius, the famous astronomer.... After the conversation, another friend called John, and said ""Dude, did you hear Alice married Claudius finally?"" John replied ""I know, she's already Ptolemy""" +24743,0,What Did The Gangsta Cowboy Say When He Rode His Horse? Yeet-haw +24744,1,"What do you call a horse without a head? A headless horse, man." +24745,2,"A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen.... He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back. The pastor said, ""Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of conscience and return the bike."" The young priest thought that was good advice, and agreed to do exactly that. But when Sunday came around, the pastor listened to his sermon, and didn't notice any particular emphasis on the commandment against theft. The pastor called the young priest aside after Mass and said, ""I thought you were going to emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'. Don't you want your bike returned?"" The young priest said, ""There was no need, father. When I got to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my bicycle."" " +24746,1,I always wanted to have an astronaut as a roomate but I never had enough space +24747,4,"A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream The devil says to him ""I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"" The poor man asks ""I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."" The devil replies ""the price for that is merely your human soul."" The man thinks for a moment and responds ""that's a lot to lose. I don't think I'm willing to pay that. What can I get for a dollar?"" The devil responds ""the greatest bass player""" +24748,0,Mixing Cannabis and Cod Liver Oil is bad! For your joints. +24749,1,What has two thumbs and can type with its dick? Tgis guy! +24750,0,I don't get the point of dating sites. Why can't people simply state their age? +24751,0,"Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and Saviour,"" But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ""JESUS CHRIST!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""very good,"" and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. ""What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, ""IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"" The Teacher fainted." +24752,0,I'm in favour of same sex marriage That's mainly because I've been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years +24753,2,"Rodeo Sex. Have you ever tried Rodeo Sex? here is how it goes, you get you're Girlfriend on all fours and mount her, you push in as far as you can and hold on real tight, you then whisper in her ear, you are not as good as you're Sister, see how long you can stay on.." +24754,0,"Rosea are grey, Violets are grey I'm a dog." +24755,4,What's the difference between Swiss cheese and a black male? Swiss cheese matures before being filled with holes +24756,0,What do you call someone who pretends to be your enemy? Fofo. +24757,1,Doctor: I'm glad to say the ear operation was a success Patient: WHAT +24758,0,[NSFW] What's the most painful dinosaur to be caught by? Analsaurus Rekt +24759,0,I think my roommate might be gay... His dick tastes like shit. +24760,2,What is the only car that can actually get you girls? A pickup truck +24761,5,"A woman complains to her husband about the blisters on her hands ""I have so many blisters from using this broom"" says the wife ""well maybe use the car next time"" the husband replies." +24762,1,Why do ducks have feathers? To cover it's butt quack +24763,0,I am the true batman. I play baseball for a living. +24764,1,"My Grandpa died doing what he loved. Driving his big rig, that nursing home didn't know what hit them. " +24765,1,"Hey, it's not you, it's me.. .. That would like to live the rest of my life without you in it." +24766,0,Let me tell you my sob story So one time I bought a Saab... +24767,5,"A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey The brothel keeper asks how she could help him. He replies ""I need a woman, because mine has left me."" Brothel Keeper: Why? Also what's with the honeycomb and the donkey? Dwarf: My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first she asked for a home fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb. The second, she asked for the nicest ass in all of the seven kingdoms, so he gave her this lovely donkey... Brothel Keeper: What's the third wish? Dwarf: She asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knees. Brothel Keeper: Wow that's not so bad Dwarf: Not so bad? I used to be 6 foot 3! Source: Tyrion Lannister" +24768,0,How much does a vegetarian prostitute charge? About tree fiddy. +24769,7,"A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, ""I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."" He turned around and said, ""So, you want me to stay?""" +24770,0,White Wine Why do White Supremacist prefer Sauvignon Blanc wine? Because it's white Jesus juice. +24771,1,"Emergency Plumber A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off. ""But I get called out on my days off, too!"" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated."" So, the plumber relents. The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, ""Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow.""" +24772,3,I had a good joke about the Ozone Layer. [depleted] +24773,1,"Two old couples are walking down the street. Two women are walking in front of the two men One of the men says to the other, ""What did you do last night?"" The second man says, ""Oh, I went to this restaurant. It was amazing. The food was fantastic, and the prices were great. Absolutely super."" The first one says, ""Wow, sounds great. What was the name of the restaurant?"" The second man says, ""Oh! What's the name of that flower that smells great? It's red, and on the stems, there are little thorns."" The first men says, ""Well, that would be the rose."" The second man says, ""Of course."" ""Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?""" +24774,0,Dragons You guys like dragons? Well you can drag deez nuts in your mouth. +24775,0,Why can't dinosaurs talk Because their all dead +24776,2,"What is a pirate's favorite letter? You may think that it would be ""R"", but their first love be the ""C""." +24777,0,I pay for pussies and dicks Im buy sexual +24778,2,"Guys, I think Trump's immigration policies just might work China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans. " +24779,1,"I just failed my test Me: ""I just failed my math test"" Mom: ""What was it on?"" Me: ""Paper""" +24780,0,The Buddhist's Root Canal Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. +24781,2,My friend really changed since she became a vegetarian... It's like I've never seen herbivore. +24782,0,"Who's the main actor in Japan's version of ""The Matrix""? Keanu Leaves" +24783,0,"What does Jewish Mario say? It’s-a me, Jewish Mario" +24784,5,"A joke walks into a bar The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”" +24785,3,"Two blondes on the parking Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Finally one gets am idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried. ""HURRY, HURRY,"" she urges. ""IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!""" +24786,4,"It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in “Sir! Sir! The Russians...” The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?” The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!” The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?” “No, just one.” The scientist slowly sits back in his chair. “Well next time don’t get my hopes up. Damn Russians...”" +24787,1,Why do mice have tiny little balls? They don't care for dancing. +24788,0,"Swiss miss just released a new kind of hot chocolate! ""Cwissmiss edition""!" +24789,3,I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking I have done it twenty times a day for years now. +24790,1,What's a frogs favorite type of meat? Riblet. +24791,1,"Get your mind out of the gutter Friend: ""Get your mind out of the gutter"" Me: ""I can't"" Friend: ""Why not?"" Me: ""It's too far in"" Me again: ""That's what she said""" +24792,4,I can't stand everyone ridiculing me for being a cannibal... I just get so fed up with people. +24793,3,Why do Jews have big noses? Because oxygen is free. +24794,1,Teletubby names are like a night out You see a hot girl and do some Tinky-Winky to grab her attention You get drinks with her and start getting Dipsy She loves music so you do some kareoke and sing some La-La’s Then it all ends in disaster as you Po yourself +24795,0,Newlyweds mistook Vaseline for putty. All their windows fell out. +24796,1,The Dallas Cowboys are indeed America’s team. They shut down when it matters most. +24797,1,My UPS guy just moved half-way across the country to be a stand-up comic His jokes are great but my delivery was way off +24798,1,I like most of the Stephen King's books but.. ...fuck it. +24799,2,What do you call a dog that doesn't bark? A hushpuppy. +24800,2,I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet However he could only do it once. +24801,2,I watched a documentary about how pickles are made. It was jarring. +24802,0,"The nation's fire fighters have adopted a new slogan... ""Blackened Lives Matter""." +24803,1,you know when you’re old... if your neck is more often stiff than your dick +24804,1,If sir names like Smith and Thacher came from occupations Who's job was Dickinson? +24805,1,"I'm reading an anti-gravity book Help me, it's impossible to put it down" +24806,0,If climate change ever gets resolved Will this subreddit have original content? +24807,1,"A man offers a random beautiful woman on the streets $1 million for one night of sex... She thinks it over for a few minutes, and finally agrees to the illicit transaction. He responds ""On second though, how about I only pay you $100?"" She is immediately offended and replies ""What kind of a girl do you think I am?"" His response, ""Madam we have already established what sort of girl you are. Now we're just haggling over price.""" +24808,0,"Doctor, I think I need glasses! You certainly do, sir. This is a bank!" +24809,5,"Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia. He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong: ‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’ He replied with a heavy sigh, ‘The ceilings here are too low and the young local people from around here can jump so high that they keep hitting the ceiling! What on earth am I supposed to do and what happens if the roof cracks!?’ The answer seemed simple to me, ‘Surely with all this money coming in you can pay someone to raise the ceiling - you must have enough to pay it off...’ He replied, still disheartened, ‘That may be true, but we’ve had an influx of visitors from across the border in Prague - they don’t tip well and I barely even break even when they come around!’ Resigned to his fate, taking a deep breath and looking down, he said to me: ‘The amount of local visitors may be through the roof but the Czechs keep bouncing.’" +24810,1,"A Woman is driving to work ... A Woman is driving to work after finally getting her drivers license, suddenly her phone rings and it's her husband. husband: ""are you taking 82nd to work."" Wife: ""yes."" husband: ""be careful the radio says some manic is driving head-on in the wrong lane."" Wife: ""one manic? every fucking car is in the wrong lane!""" +24811,4,My girlfriend says her body is a temple Apparently that means anyone is free to come inside. +24812,2,What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus? One will give you a limerick The other will give your rim a lick. +24813,1,I tried to be friends with my computer mouse But he's too cliquey. +24814,0,I for one welcome our new insect overlords Resistance is futile. +24815,3,"The world is full of lies and deception: The label on the door said ""Ladies"" but there was just a toilet." +24816,1,Who do you call when the church has bacteria? Pasteur Louis +24817,2,"Brilliant Student Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an ""I"". Student: I is the... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an ""I"". Always put 'am' after an ""I"". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. " +24818,0,What came first the chicken or the egg? actually i came first... inside the chicken. +24819,6,What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA? A ban from the petting zoo. +24820,0,You love flowers but you cut them you love animals but you eat them now you're telling me that you love me? now I'm scared +24821,0,"What do you get when you cross an overly sexual pig, a porcupine, a coniferous forest, and ice cream? A porkin' pine cone " +24822,1,A man walks into the zoo. The only animal there is a dog. It's a shitzu. +24823,1,Why is the number 288 like a rotten corpse? It's two gross. +24824,0,Attack on Bastille Day France....Should we? Should we lit candles and say we are not scare? That will prevent another attack for sure! +24825,6,"3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes... All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them. He said to the nuns, ""Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."" To the first nun, St Peter asks ""Where did Adam meet the first woman?"" The Nun replied, ""In the Garden Of Eden."" St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened... St Peter then turned to the second Nun and asked, ""What was the name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?"" The second Nun promptly replied, ""Her name was Eve."" St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened... St Peter then turns to the final Nun, and asks ""What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?"" The Nun was stumped, and stood still for a very long time trying to recall the answer. ""Ooh, that's a hard one..."" she muttered under her breath. St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened..." +24826,3,"I dropped my toothpaste! ...Tom exclaimed, crestfallen." +24827,1,"Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day... and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, ""Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.""St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, ""OK, Diana, you may go in"". Dolly is outraged. She screams, ""What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't? ! !!""Sorry Dolly"" says St. Peter, ""but a royal flush beats a pair any day.""" +24828,0,"I asked my wife what we were having for dinner tonight She said, ""well firstly,. Going to boil some potatoes. Then I'm going to cook the chicken in the oven."" ""Delicious"", I said, ""what else?"". ""Then I'm going to roast some vegetables and pour us a nice glass of red wine."" Slightly confused, I asked, ""That sounds lovely darling. One thing though..."" ""...I didn't realise you enjoyed doing that kind of thing?"" ""What kind of thing dear?"" ""Well, it seems a bit wrong, for our dinner entertainment, to take the piss out of disabled people..."" Badumshhhh Sorry, I know that sucked ball bags, I just thought of it and tried to make a joke out of it. Gotta try huh?" +24829,3,"An environmentalist friend of mine told me I should buy organic because it's sustainable I looked at my bank account, and I really disagree." +24830,0,What do you call a place where Mexicans go to the bathroom? A deport-a-potty. +24831,10,"A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."" “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde." +24832,2,Some Chuck Norris jokes here. Chuck Norris does not eat honey. - He chews on bees. Chuck Norris cowboy boots are made of real cowboys. +24833,2,What’s long and hard and given to a Polish woman on her wedding night? A new last name. +24834,2,"Republican: ""All life is precious..."" Until it steps on my fucking property. Credit: Jim Jefferies " +24835,6,"A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him ""Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."" The guy thinks for a minute and says, ""Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?""" +24836,0,"I want to have conjoined twins! I will name one of the 'Will' and the other 'Way'... Then, where there is a Will, there is a Way!" +24837,1,"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family. A child asked his father, ""How were people born?"" So his father said, ""Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."" The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, ""We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."" The child ran back to his father and said, ""You lied to me!"" His father replied, ""No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."" " +24838,6,"An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy are building a skyscraper. The lunch whistle blows and they all open up their lunchboxes and look at the contents in dismay. The Irish guy says, ""Potatoes again? If I have potatoes one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"" The Mexican guy says, ""Tacos again? If I have tacos one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"" The blond guy says, ""Peanut butter and jelly again? If I have PBJ one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"" The next day, the Irish guy has potatoes, the Mexican guy has tacos, and the blond guy has PBJ, and they all jump to their deaths. At the company memorial service, the Irish guy's widow wails, ""If only he told me he was tired of potatoes I'd have made him something else!"" The Mexican guy's widow cries, """"If only he told me he was tired of tacos I'd have made him something else!"" The blond guy's widow says, ""Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."" " +24839,3,"I remember once when my dad gave me money... I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again." +24840,4,Did you know that the first French fry wasn’t actually cooked in France? It was cooked in Greece. +24841,5,"Grown-up Words A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term. ""Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."" So Jamie excitedly stood up and said ""I went on a choo-choo!"" The teacher grimaced and replied ""No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"" Sarah stood up and exclaimed ""I went to see my granny!"" Again the teacher pulled a face and said ""No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You're not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Johnny, let's hear you?"" Johnny got up and said ""I read a book!"" The teacher smiled. ""Very good Johnny! Can you remember what the book was called?"" Johnny smiled with confidence and proudly shouted ""Winnie the SHIT.""" +24842,2,In what form of writing is killing the main character a good idea? An Autobiography. +24843,1,"What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican? Snapped, Cracker and Pope" +24844,2,Did you hear about the scientist that achieved absolute zero? He's 0K now. +24845,0,What do you call a hoe in the past? An After-Thot +24846,6,I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives. +24847,0,"This isn't exactly a pun, but a comedian said this last night and I thought Reddit would appreciate it. Don't know where else to post it So a comedian was talking about how he was a bully and that without bullies, we wouldn't be where we are today. Gave examples like Albert Einstein being bullied and how that sparked his drive to do extraordinary things. A few people were offended but for the most part, it was pretty funny. Then he said ""And today it's really hard for bullies. One day you're just minding your own business bullying people, then the next day you end up on the front page of Reddit and your life just goes to shit. I don't even know what Reddit is, but I know that if you are on it, bad shit starts happening.""" +24848,1,Yesterday i looked at a cloud and it was shapped like a piece of poop Man i must be seeing shit +24849,0,How much is Spotify going to have to pay Barack Obama to be 'President of Playlists'? An Executive Salary.... +24850,0,I always think of minutes as 100 seconds and hours in 100 minutes. Everything just makes so much more sense in metric. +24851,1,"A sloth goes to a bar to get drunk. After a long time and a lot of drinks the bartender asks the sloth why he is there. The sloth replies, ""I'm depressed, my wife is leaving me. I bet she's already halfway through the kitchen.""" +24852,1,Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope? The knife just wasn't cutting it. +24853,2,Don't touch magic pigs... ...you might get Hogwarts. +24854,3,I was thinking about procrastinating today. But I think I’ll do it tomorrow +24855,0,Fritzl found prison life difficult at first ...but he's really come into his own. +24856,4,Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!” +24857,1,I'm a hardcore gamer. I wouldn't trade my PS4 for a Nintendo console even if they let me design and manufacture it myself. Nope... I'll never make the switch. +24858,4,"A doctor drives by a small town He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there. A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner's daughter. Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral. When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong. The doctor calls the father: -Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep. -What do we do now? Says the father. -Does she have a boyfriend? asks the doctor. -Yes, replies the father. -Take her to a room and have the boyfriend have sex with her. They do as the doctor said and sure enough she wakes up. Everybody was happy and the doctors leaves once he fill up his gas tank. Few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station. The same kid greets him again: -Doctor, is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mr. John died. Half of the town has fucked him already but he is just not waking up. Moral of the story: See a doctor before self medicating. " +24859,2,What happens when a phone goes to jail? It becomes a cell phone! (Courtesy my 6 year old) +24860,1,Why does the motorcycle get sad when shifting gears? Because the clutch is depressed +24861,2,"One of my favourite jokes A man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. ""You're in the afterlife!"" he tells the man, ""But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."" All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines. The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. ""That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."" So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street. ""What are the odds?"" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. ""That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line."" The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch. While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, ""The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"" Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel. And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. ""Come,"" the beggar told him, ""I'll take you to the evening meal."" So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. ""That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line,"" and then he added, ""and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"" The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. ""What is it,"" he thought, ""that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?"" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring. Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same. The beggar laughed jovially. ""I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!"" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own. Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. ""That's the line for the dragon meat,"" he said before turning to the next line, ""and that's the line for angeldust stew,"" then he paused, confused. ""What is it?"" the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied, ""There appears to be no punchline.""" +24862,0,My French history paper was so long... I think I used almost two Reims! +24863,5,The punchline comes before the question What's the worst part about time travelling jokes? +24864,0,Good sex is like a bad joke I just don't get it. +24865,2,"I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles ""What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?"" I asked. ""I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."" ""Oh. Makes seance.""" +24866,2,"How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they beat the room for being black." +24867,2,"Dad, it's cold in the house... - ""Well, go stand in a corner."" - ""Why?"" - ""Because a corner is 90 degrees.""" +24868,2,I want to tell a joke about Sodium But Na. +24869,0,"A guy is mad. A guy is mad. His friend asks him ""What's wrong?"" He says ""The furniture lady just hung up on me."" ""Well why?"" His friend asks. ""My stool was broken, and I wanted to try one before I bought it."" His friend asks ""Well what did you say to her?"" ""Lady, I need one of your stool samples."" ""Why am your friend?""" +24870,2,I was gonna tell a Holocaust joke but I ran out of gas. +24871,4,"Three men bragging about their sons .... Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in some time, gather at a bar to catch up. One man gets up to use the restroom, and the remaining three begin talking about their sons. The first man says, ""my son is my pride and joy, he started at the very bottom of a successful company, he studied hard, began to climb the corporate ladder, and is now the president of the company! He's so rich he bought his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday. The second man says, ""that's amazing! My son is also my pride and joy. He began working at for an airline company, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. He eventually became a partner of the company and now owns most of its assets. He's so rich, he bought he best friend a new jet for his birthday"" The third man says, ""Well that's fantastic, my son is well off too. He studied at the best universities, became an engineer, then started his own construction company and is now a self made multimillionaire! He bought he best friend a 30,000 square foot mansion."" By this time, the fourth man came back from the bathroom and joined the conversation. He said, ""My son is gay, and makes a living stripping at a night club."" His friends reply, ""that's awful! We're so sorry to hear that, how disappointing"" The man replies, ""no I'm not ashamed, he's my som and I love him. Plus he's not doing too bad either. His birthday was recently and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a new jet, and a brand new Mercedes from his three boyfriends!""" +24872,2,"When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys." +24873,3,Why do bisexual people make the best baseball players? Because they can swing both ways +24874,1,What do you call it when the Pillsbury dough boy smokes weed? He gets baked. +24875,0,"Ive found out a way to tell you if you're gay... Have sex with a man, if you like it then you're gay! If you dont like it then you're still gay because you had sex with a man." +24876,1,How do you know that chicken wings aren’t virgins? Because they are always bone-in +24877,1,"Classic redneck joke Bill moves to Bama from Boston. He knocks on his redneck neighbor's door. ""Well, welcome to Bama, Bill. You come just in time. We's havin' a party tonight. Gonna be eatin' and drinkin', fightin' and fuckin'."" Bill is excited, ""Wow, what should I wear?"" Redneck neighbor replies, ""It don't matter - just gonna be the two of us.""" +24878,0,If a small town only has two dentists... Choose the one with the bad teeth +24879,0,"Did you hear about the butter on toast? I can't tell you, you might spread it!" +24880,0,Help! I think I'm a hypochondriac! +24881,4,"A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey. Bartender: ""Wow, that's a hefty order."" Guy: ""Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: ""Still not over your brother?"" Guy: ""No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay..."" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: ""More bad news I assume?"" Guy: ""Yep, uncle this time..."" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: ""DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?"" Guy: ""Yep....My Wife""" +24882,3,How does the German baker like to greet people? Gluten tag +24883,0,I have a reptile in every room but one Everything but the kitchen skink +24884,1,"When I’m feeling down my friend keeps saying ‘Cheer up, you could be stuck in a big fish, like Jonah!’ I know he means whale." +24885,0,"A kid writes this in his essay. There was a kid (who didn't know English) and was attending his English exams. He had read only one essay to write in his exam. The essay which he read was ""My Friend"" but in the exam, the essay appeared to write about ""My Father"". The kid did not fear, he wrote the following boldly. ""I AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON. I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS. SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY MOTHER IS VERY CLOSE TO MANY OF MY FATHERS. MY UNCLE IS ALSO MY FATHER. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOR... AND I LOVE ALL MY FATHERS BECAUSE A FATHER IN NEED IS A FATHER IN DEED."". His English teacher died that day XD" +24886,0,I hereby declare these 2016 Olympic Games Oilfishery open +24887,0,A console gamer was walking in the street A bar popped up. +24888,0,Wanna know a useless superpower? Turning water into wine +24889,0,How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? No one knows because none of them tried. +24890,1,Why did the programmer put on his glasses? Because he couldn’t C# / see sharp. +24891,1,"Two Clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says ""meh we are now what we eat.""" +24892,8,"At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant then I changed her mind" +24893,0,"Only in America So I decided to visit my overseas family in America on the 4th of July. I arrive at their house and as soon as i step out of their car I hear loud bangs and screams. “Wow!” I exclaimed “You American’s sure do like fireworks” My family replies “Fireworks are banned, those are guns”" +24894,1,"What do a battery and an asshole have in common? No matter how much we tell ourselves we won't, we end up licking them anyway" +24895,0,What do you call Black Superman? Kunta Kent +24896,1,"Groundbreaking Study A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire. Further studies are expected." +24897,1,"What's the difference between a Black and a White Fairytale? White begins ""Once upon a time...."" Black begins, "" y'all motherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit!""" +24898,0,"My parents got divorced... My mother liked to sleep in, while my father was an early riser. The real problem happened when he kept waking up daily to the butt crack of Dawn, so my mother finally just divorced him. " +24899,1,What do geologists and Bon Jovi have in common? They're both into rock. +24900,0,"So I'm a talent agent... ...and into my office walks these two schmucks with huge grins on their faces. So they tell me that they have a great bit they want to show me, and it's gonna generate a lot of buzz. I tell them to show me what they got. So the first guy rips off his shirt and pants to reveal only a banana hammock, the second guy starts kicking that bulge like his life depended on it. Whilst he is kicking the second guy begins to shit himself uncontrollably, it's like a fire hose of diarrhoea in here. The two of them drop to the floor and start rolling in the shit, then they throw up on each other, it's just an utter mess. Finally the two of them jump up, take out a laptop, and write the script for season 8 of Game Of Thrones. Absolutely stunned, I ask what they called themselves. They replied “The Aristocrats!”" +24901,0,When is it time to trim your bush? When your cat finds you naked and tries to hunt it. +24902,0,My son would have been 16 today... It's too bad he died after being caught in my wife's bed. +24903,1,What do you call a group of gay people? A pride. +24904,3,Donald Trump can't take any criticism… At this point he's such a pussy about it he may as well just grab himself. +24905,5,"My neighbour came at me aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear dissapearing from her clothes line. I can tell you I nearly shit her pants. " +24906,2,Just realized I'm bi-sexual I have to pay to get sex. +24907,0,"A stranger ran up to me... A stranger ran up to me, claiming the world going to end. After that encounter Armageddon out of this town." +24908,4,"Lawyer kick game A lawyer is hunting on a farm in Louisiana. He shoots a duck and it falls dead over a fence on an adjacent farm. He begins to climb the fence to the other farm to retrieve the duck when he hears an old man yelling at him. The old man says this is my farm stay the hell off. The lawyer says I shot that duck and I am retrieving it. Old man says hell you are, its mine now, down here we operate under Napoleonic law. Lawyer says I will sue the hell out of you old man. Old man says, well under Napoleonic law you cant sue me, but we can play the kicking game. The lawyer is interested and asks what it is. Old man says, I kick you 3 times, you kick me 3 times til one of us quits. Lawyer looks the old man up and down and thinks I can take this old man so agrees to the kick game. Old man says, my property I kick first, jerks his leg back and with all his force kicks the lawyer square in the nuts dropping him to his hands and knees. Pain shoots throughout the lawyers body, and before he can recover the old mans boot catches him right across the face. The lawyer falls on his side, seeing stars in the distance, and then the old mans boot catches him right in the gut knocking the wind out of him. The lawyer has never been in this much pain but wont let an old man beat him so he slowly rises to his feet excitedly anticipating his turn to kick the old man. He looks at the old man and says, you got three, now its my turn old man. Old man says, I quit, take the fucking bird." +24909,1,What is the difference between genius and stupidity? Genius has its limits +24910,3,Did you hear about the man who slaughtered lizards? He was a cold-blooded killer. +24911,2,"I told my psychiatrist today that I feel hopelessly depressed. ""Have you thought about self-harming?"" he asked. ​ For fuck's sake, I thought you were here to help, I said." +24912,2,"A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.... He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, ""My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk."" Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk."" The man says, ""If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."" The monks reply, ""You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."" The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. ""In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."" The monks reply, ""Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."" The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, ""The sound is beyond that door."" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, ""This is the last key to the last door."" The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!" +24913,1,Knock knock The Potter Household. Who is there? You know! You know who? Thats right. *avada kedavra* +24914,0,What is a autocoprophagy‘s favorite candy? Feces pieces +24915,4,Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it +24916,2,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero +24917,4,"[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently. The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse." +24918,1,TIL: 9 out of 10 people addicted to drinking break fluid... can't stop. +24919,1,I was in Japan watching a football game.... ....after 90 minutes the players from both teams started fighting. I asked my friend what was happening. He said the were playing Ninjary time. +24920,3,What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? The etymologist knows the difference. +24921,1,I heard that some spiders will kill each other right after mating I guess you could say they go out with a bang +24922,3,"Did you guys watch the movie about aliens invading America? I think it was called ""Pocahontas""" +24923,1,Where do big spotty cats with no paws live? In a leopard colony +24924,2,"A farmer kept getting water melons stolen, so one day he puts a sign up that says 'one of these watermelons is poisoned' next day he gets up and goes out to work in his watermelon patch and sees another sign 'now there are two'" +24925,0,I will not commit suicide Even If it's the last thing I do +24926,0,"A priest, a rabbit and an imam walks into a bar The bartender looks at them, and then turns to the OP and says -Dude, i think you're starting to be dyslectic" +24927,1,A little known fact about China. The year of the Tiananmen Square massacre was the first year China tried to introduce Tanksgiving. +24928,1,What's the square root of 69? Eight something. +24929,1,"My wife complained non stop because I was home late for just few minutes... I argue back a bit. My wife said: ""Do you want to stop seeing me for some days?"" Can't calm myself, I told her: ""It would be great."" Now I feel a lot better after days having eyes swollen. I can slightly open my eyes now!" +24930,2,"Three man are stuck on an island... Soon they are held hostage by the local tribesmen. After being taken to the king they are told that they are to go back in the bushes for a fruit. The first one comes with a lime. They told him to stick it up his ass, but if he makes any noise at all he will be killed. After sticking the lime in his ass he squirms. For this he gets killed Second guy comes with a cherry and was told the same. Just as he sticks his cherry up his ass he laughs really hard and for that loses his life. Meanwhile the first one and the second one meet in the pearly gates. The first one was so surprised that the guy with the cherry made noise he asked him what was his problem he could have been let go. Then the second guy says, I saw the third guy coming with a pineapple. " +24931,2,What do you call a janitor in space? A vacuum cleaner +24932,2,A human cannonball showed up late to his act. He was fired. +24933,1,Always listen to the advice of a cross-eyed people... Cause they have a unique point of view. +24934,0,"After the presidential debate, now I'm sure who will receive my support. Congratulations, Lester Holt." +24935,1,My boyfriend is trying to set a world record in masturbation. Do you think he can pull it off? +24936,1,Once the Islamic State becomes recognized by the UN maybe they'll start entering the miss world contest... ...I bet their Miss Islamic State is going to be the bomb. +24937,3,Why did the condom jump out the window? It was pissed off +24938,3,"One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers. As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot. A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, ""Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy.""" +24939,0,What do you get when you cross a stoner with a halo nerd? Masterchief +24940,2,"Little Johnny One rainy day little Johnny was inside playing with his toys. He heard a loud crashing and he turned round to see what it was. It was a man with a big bushy beard, a baseball cap and a ripped suit on. “Who are you?” Asked little Johnny “I’m you” replied the man “you from the future” “Oh my gosh!” Shouted little Johnny. “I have so many questions! What happens to me? What do I grow up to be?” “A paedophile” he whispered as he locked the door." +24941,0,"True story I went today down the street. I look the granny siting on a bench, holds heart. I run to it, ran to a drugstore bought acpirine and brought to hospital. While sat in the accident ward, I noticed in a window suspicious persons near one car. Probably want to steal. I ran out from hospital. They run in the car from me. I jumped so in my car. I go behind them. I called police. Generally together with police we them caught up. Went to policeoffice. While sat in office I look out of the window, the house burns there. I run there. In a window on the third floor the child shouts. I saved him. His parents set fire to the house and escaped. Generally now we collect documents for adoption. And what you are ready to lie impudently for the sake of pluses? " +24942,1,"My 14 year old is finally earning money. It turns out he started selling his body parts to cannibals. Now, he's a pro-teen." +24943,1,"Naked Cowboy... A sheriff sees a cowboy walking down the street with nothing on but a cowboy hat, a gun, and boots. He arrests him for incident exposure. The sheriff asks, ""why the hell are you walking around like this?"" The cowboy says, ""this pretty redhead asks me to go home with her. We go inside, and she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and says 'now go down town, cowboy!' So here I am"".... Not sure how this is a joke but It is a joke and I copied it from a magazine...lol " +24944,1,You like to have sex and you like to travel? Then you can fuck off! +24945,3,Why is Chick-fil-a so successful? They figured out how to sell fried chicken to white people. +24946,0,What does fish use to drive underwater? A steering eel +24947,3,"I used to have a secret fetish for used tampons, but it's not so secret anymore. I was caught red handed." +24948,1,"Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn. “What the heck was that?” “Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.” “Wow! They know how to treat their help!”" +24949,3,"Two scientists walk into a bar The first scientist says ""I'll have some H20.""   The second scientist says ""I'll have a glass of water, too. But really? Why did you say H20? Like I get that it is the chemical formula for water and all, but it is the end of a really stressful day at work and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that when we are trying to wind down.""   The first scientist stares into his drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed." +24950,2,Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper. I'm on a roll! +24951,2,"An ant and a centipede were walking down the street when the ant says “Say, Mr. Centipede, how do you control all those legs at once?”. The centipede thought about it for a second, then fell flat on his ass." +24952,10,"Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One says to the other ""Does this taste funny to you?"" The other says ""No"" Edit: Thanks for the gold my dude, i did not except this to get a lot of upvotes but here i am" +24953,0,Where does Bin Laden keep his CDs? In Iraq +24954,2,"I walked into the airport with my recently deceased dog. I was immediately stopped by security and airport staff alike. ""Sir, you can't bring that on a airplane."" ""Oh, I thought I was allowed one carrion bag.""" +24955,0,What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay. +24956,5,"Radio Station Contest A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali. DJ: ""96FM here, what's your name?"" Caller: ""Hi, me name's Dave."" DJ: ""Dave, what's your word?"" Caller: ""Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."" DJ: ""... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"" Caller: ""Goan f$&k yourself!"" The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: ""96FM, what's your name?"" Caller: ""Hi, me name's Francis."" DJ: ""Francis, what's your word?"" Caller: ""Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."" DJ: ""... You are correct, Francis, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"" Caller: ""Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!""" +24957,0,What do you call icicles taking an exam? Testicals +24958,1,Another pesticide got banned Apparently it was making the corn go deaf +24959,1,What does Dr. Pepper have his PhD in? Theoretical fizz-ics. +24960,2,What does a jolly Santa put on his Eggs Benedict? Happy Hollandaise! +24961,2,Who are the world's fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 10 seconds. +24962,3,I had a dream last night that I was swimming through an ocean of orange soda... ...it was a Fanta Sea +24963,5,"So a man dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is sitting in the waiting lobby the devil walks up to him and they strike up a conversation. ""So what do you do here in Hell anyway?"" says the man. ""Well do you like to smoke weed?"" answers the devil ""Fuck yes!"" ""You are gonna looove Mondays! We all gather together and smoke as much weed as we can handle!"" ""What else?"" ""Do you like to drink?"" Asks the devil. ""Of course!"" ""You are gonna loooove Tuesdays! We drink as much as we want with no risk of a hangover!"" ""Awesome! Hell doesn't sound half bad!"" ""and do you like to eat?"" asked the devil. ""HELL YEAH!"" replies the man. ""You are gonna loooooove Wednesdays! We always have a huge feast and you can eat all day without feeling sick!"" says the devil. ""Alright!"" ""and are you a homosexual?"" ""um.. no."" ""you're gonna hate Thursdays.""" +24964,1,David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff because he couldn't be bothered with the Hassel +24965,1,"An old man and his wife were in the kitchen 1 day The man was very hard of hearing and made breakfast for his wife. The woman enjoyed it very much and said “honey I’m so proud of you” The man couldn’t hear so he responded “huh” the woman than said it a little bit louder, “Honey I said I am proud of you!” The man still couldn’t hear and said “huh” once again. Now the woman is yelling “HONEY IM PROUD OF YOU” he immediately responds with “well damn I’m tired of you too”" +24966,1,Never tell me friction jokes... I just won't let them slide. +24967,0,I'm hoping in 2018 we can come to a compromise on illegal immigration and at least keep the hotties. +24968,1,Answered the door in my bath robe today... Funny place for a door. +24969,2,"A jumper Cable walks into bar, The bartender says: I will serve you but don't start anything." +24970,3,Which city is the South African Superman from? Cape Town +24971,1,"Genie A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, ""Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, ""I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."" They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, ""Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ""Are you the people who broke my window?"" ""Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,"" the husband replied. ""No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."" ""Okay, great!"" the husband said. ""I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."" ""No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"" the genie said, looking at the wife. ""I want a house in every country of the world,"" she said. ""Consider it done,"" the genie replied. ""And what's your wish, genie?"", the husband said. ""Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't been with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."" The husband looked at the wife and said, ""Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I can look the other way."" The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ""How old is your husband, anyway?"" ""Thirty-five,"" she replied. ""And he still believes in genies? That's amazing.""" +24972,0,"Love is like that old junkie in the park, you pass in front of him everyday without noticig him untill one day you discover he was always there and he stabs you" +24973,1,How many Paulistanos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazilian. +24974,6,"Im in a band called ""Missing Cat"" You've probably seen our posters..." +24975,0,"With all these recent deaths happening after more than halfway through the year, it looks like 2017 is trying to catch up with 2016 in being the worst year R.I.P. Ms Paint 1985-2017" +24976,3,"An engineer is walking across campus And he is stopped by a classmate who says I have to tell you the craziest story. I was walking through the park and this beautiful blonde was riding by on a bike, she saw me, stopped, got off the bike, took off all her clothes and stood there with her arms wide and said to me, take what you want...... So I took the bike. After pausing for a moment the first engineer pauses nods his head and says, good call, the clothes probably would not have fit." +24977,0,"I got a pretty sick last week, but then Centorea from Monster Musume showed up. She said she was the Centaur for Disease Control." +24978,0,What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You don't have to hug a washing machine half an hour after it finishes +24979,3,"A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop. A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop. He says, ""I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."" The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf. He says, ""Not big enough."" She brings out a bigger one. He says, ""Still not big enough."" She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, ""Honey That's still a little on the small side....."" Not impressed she says, ""Listen, Tex, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?""" +24980,0,What do you call a solar powered gun? An Elon Musket. +24981,5,If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use. +24982,0,aeiou --> aeoiu That's what I call a vowel movement. +24983,1,Who is the most famous German train driver? Michael Choomacher. +24984,0,"Pope Fingybob is working on a crossword puzzle he stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead and turns to one of his cardinals. 'Can you think of a FOUR letter word for ""woman""?' he asks,'which ends in U-N-T?' 'Aunt', replies the cardinal 'oh shit, thanks' says the pope. 'Just the old habits. Do you have an eraser?' " +24985,1,Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows. +24986,2,What do you call an orgy with people that have Gonorrhea? A round of applause. +24987,1,"Q: ""What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"" A: ""You can't tuna fish."" " +24988,0,"Just got a new Job at Coka Kola Engineering job, and man there is lots of high tech cola industry jargon being tossed around there, soda speak. " +24989,5,"A man steps onto an elevator with a woman inside... He asks her, ""Where are you headed today Miss?"" She says, ""I'm on my way to the blood bank to donate blood."" The man asks, ""How much do you get for that?"" She responds, ""$20."" He then says, ""Really? I'm on my way to the sperm bank, they pay me $100."" She looks angry about that, and then they part ways. The next day the man gets on the elevator again to see the same woman. He says, ""What a coincidence seeing you again. Where are you headed today?"" She responds, ""To the sperm bank."" with her mouth full." +24990,0,"There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, ""A call from Hell to Hell is local." +24991,5,"A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them. Chief: Boys you must have fucked up big time for them to have you out here digging holes. Marine: We didn’t fuck up Chief, this is just apart of the base beautification project. Chief: What in the?! How the hell does a line of holes make this base any nicer! Marine: Yeah, it probably would look nicer if the guy whose job it was to plant the trees didn’t call in sick today." +24992,0,What's the difference between a sheet and a baby? One of them is really loud when you iron it. +24993,4,"One of the best jokes in the world? A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on. Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone and begins to contemplate suicide. Finally getting the nerve, he walks to a cliff, about to jump off. Suddenly, he looks out at the ocean and exclaims aloud: ""Hey...HEY! I see a ship...there's a ship out there!!! I can't believe it! He waves his arms frantically, hoping to catch their attention. ""Wait...they're waving back...they're lowering a boat - THEY SEE ME! I'm saved, I'm saved!"" ""The first thing I'm going to do when I get back to civilization is order me a fine wine and steak dinner. I'm going to invite a beautiful blonde, and she'll have big tits and pouty red lips. After the steak, I'm going to take her to a room, and spend hours ravaging her!"" Just then he grabs his own erection and begins to jerk off, and says ""Gotcha! There ain't no ship out there....""" +24994,0,You were probably conceived at home... they say most accidents happen around the household. +24995,0,"Zoo story So a few days ago, I went to the zoo. There was a problem. There was only one animal. It was a Shih Tzu" +24996,0,"After calling 4 different home security companies, I decided it's cheaper to get robbed. " +24997,1,What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter +24998,1,"I won't give you my birth name, but I'll give you my death name. It's ASSHOLE. As in, ""HEY ASSHOLE! STOP MESSING WITH THAT LION OR HE'LL EAT YOU!""" +24999,3,"Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win... He never did. One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign. He lost Again. The winning number was 707. Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life." +25000,0,My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. +25001,0,Did you hear Cuba is having a communist revolution? Ya don't Che! +25002,0,"Natalie Portman is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the Vanity Fair Oscars party bar. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her in New Girl. She laughs. I get my drink. ""Well, see ya,"" I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Nathalie Portman? She touches her neck as she watches me leave. Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette. ""Got a spare?"" she asks. ""What's in it for me?"" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles. ""Conversation with me, duh."" I laugh. ""What's so funny?"" she protests. ""Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?"" ""You get used to it,"" she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter. ""What would you do if you weren't an actress?"" I ask. ""Teaching, I think."" ""And if I was your student, what would I be learning?"" ""Discipline,"" she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. ""Where are you from?"" ""Bermuda,"" I say. ""Oh wow. That's lovely."" ""It's ok,"" I admit. ""Not everything is to my liking."" ""What could possibly be not to your liking in Bermuda?"" she inquires. ""I don't like sand,"" I tell her. ""It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.""" +25003,1,"TIL that a flock of crows is called a murder. Thus apparently, gangsta rap lyrics are mostly about ornithology." +25004,3,"My wife said to me yesterday, “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.” I said, “ok, but it will totally ruin my day…..”" +25005,0,Okay so a miner walks into a bar Then he got something to drink +25006,1,"Two atoms are walking down the street, One of them says, ""I've lost an electron!"" The other atom responds by asking,""are you sure?"" The atom says, ""yes I'm positive.""" +25007,0,What item is forgotten more than any other in hotel rooms? The tip. +25008,0,What's the best way to keep a sucker in suspense? I'll tell you later. +25009,3,When I find myself in times of trouble... When I find myself in times of trouble / Mother Russia comes to me / Speaking words of wisdom... / covfefe! +25010,0,Why doesn't the karate kid care about sex? Because he WAX OFF! +25011,0,I'm blonde James Blonde +25012,1,Thank you Bob Kraft! -Jussie Smollett +25013,0,What dose semi stand for? Nothing it's not erect yet +25014,0,What is Forest Gump's Wi-Fi password? 1forest1 +25015,0,I have two classes today. I have a math class in the morning... ...and the rest is history. +25016,1,You know how all these actresses are pulling out of Georgia over the abortion thing... ​ ​ don't they know that isn't effective birth control? +25017,2,"A man walks in a bar which has slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. The bartender says “if you can jump up and slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you buy everyone in the bar a drink. The man then shook his head.... ....The steaks are too high" +25018,2,I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever... He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I threw. +25019,0,"I have cannabis dependence disorder But, on the bright side, I can get high, and claim an extra dependent on my tax return." +25020,1,What do you call a hoe that got into accounting? The thot that counts +25021,1,"Walkers have brought out some new flavours for christmas this year Along with pigs in blankets and glazed ham flavours, they have the more realistic xmas joys like Brussels sprout flavour. Ungrateful child flavour, moaning resentful relative flavour, and my personal favourite, drunken row and domestic violence flavour ." +25022,0,"What is grey, very big and when it falls out of a tree the stove breaks? The stove. " +25023,1,"Friend 1: ""Comeon dude, your just like my colon"" Friend 2: ""Wow, is your colon beautiful, smart, and a dashing young man?"" Friend 1: ""No, it's full of crap""" +25024,1,Am I going to Rio? No. I'd avoid it like the plague. +25025,0,What do you call a stoner's wife? Mississippi (Mrs Hippy) +25026,1,"There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't." +25027,2,What happened to the illegally parked Frog It got “Toad” +25028,3,What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey? A new kingdom would be formed known as full. +25029,2,Dream I dreamt of drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.... It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea +25030,0,"Jesus talking to Peter before being crucified Jesus: Peter, you will deny me 3 times Peter: No lord, I will never do that. Later..... Crowds: Do you know Jesus Peter: New Number who dis" +25031,0,What do you call a super smart Amish person who uses electricity ? A MENSA-nite ! +25032,1,"21000lbs, packed full and waiting to blow your head off Mother of all bongs." +25033,0,"If men call short women petite. What do women call short men? Incels. Screw you, Chad." +25034,1,If someone died with an erection. ..then he must be Bruce Willis +25035,1,I went to Auschwitz to hunt for Pokémon.. What I saw was ghastly. +25036,2,"Two mosquitoes go on a date. The gentleman opens the door to the restaurant for the lady, and goes, “M’laria.”" +25037,2,What turns a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS. +25038,0,"What's a spies favorite holiday? Halloween, its all about the spooks!" +25039,5,Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs +25040,0,"I've never once worried my friends think of me as the ""ugly"" friend. I don't have any friends. :(" +25041,6,Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up +25042,0,"What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas? Cancer :(" +25043,4,"Followed the instructions for my password but they didn’t work It said, “Type Password” So I entered, “Password” Then it told me, “Your Password is Incorrect” So I entered, “Incorrect” To which it said, “Try Again” So I typed, “Again” But now for some reason I can’t do anything because it thinks my account name is “Locked Out”!" +25044,0,What do you call a dog with lice in China? Full course dinner +25045,0,Where do you train your sled dogs? In Mushroom +25046,1,I bought a thesaurus from a thrift store. When I got home I opened it and every single page was completely blank. I have no words to describe my anger. +25047,0,"Why do auto mechanics make the best lovers? Because they know how to suck, squeeze, bang, blow." +25048,0,I took the biggest shit of my entire life... And now I just feel empty inside. +25049,5,"Two guys were playing golf Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back. ""That was close,"" he said. ""One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they both recognized me, I'd have been in real trouble."" ""Don't worry,"" the other guy said. ""I'll go ask if we can play through."" He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back. ""Talk about your coincidences!""" +25050,2,popular male at a nudist colony Q: Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony? A: The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts. +25051,0,"What's the difference between a chicken and a rooster? A farmer went out and asked his animals, ""what's the difference between a chicken and a rooster?"" The chicken said, ""I don't know."" The rooster said, ""I cockadoodledoo.""" +25052,0,"What's long, hard and full of sea men? A Submarine! :D" +25053,3,I opened my computer and it said hello.... It was a Dell. +25054,0,"Little Johnny Teacher : Mary, what do you want when you grow up. Mary : I wanna success. Teacher : Very good Mary. And Debbie what do you want. Debbie : Teacher, I wannna success too. Teacher : Great. And little johnny what do you want. Johnny : I want to be Cess." +25055,0,What’s the difference between a woman and a cow? A woman won’t shit on the floor when you pull on her tits +25056,0,"And here it is! The where's waldo: cancer awareness edition! Aptly named, Finding Chemo!" +25057,2,Working at home sucks. If you're a firefighter... +25058,4,"More NFL news NFL CUTS ONE TEAM The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league. They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string." +25059,0,What do you call a duck with 3 arms and no legs? An abomination +25060,2,"The Annual Office Christmas Party After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the chairman of the company to his face.” “He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!” “You did. All over his thousand dollar suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.” “Well, ∫cuk him,” said John. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”" +25061,0,"Professor: Do you know, you are fail in your paper…? Student: (happily) yes sir, I know… Professor: Then why are you so happy…? Student: Sir, I am surprised to see how I have got 15 marks… . . . Because I only wrote my favorite songs in whole the paper… Feeling Proud on Failure…" +25062,0,How do you respond to a Japanese joke? By raughing. +25063,1,What does a clock do when it's still hungry? It goes back four seconds. ​ Edit: I wonder how much it eight. +25064,2,Did you hear there’s a cure for agoraphobia?! It’s just around the corner +25065,0,What's round and hates jews? The world. +25066,0,A son asks his father how to always win like the president... The president always wins because you can't be president and lose the election. +25067,0,What do you call a bunch of devilishly handsome gay guys? Succubi +25068,1,"A Viking’s Wisdom There was once a great Viking warrior named Rudolph the Red. He was known far and wide for his wisdom and experience. One day while enjoying his morning coffee with his wife he stared out the window. He then turned to his wife and said “It looks like a storm is coming.” “How can you be sure?” his wife asked. To which he replied Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." +25069,0,Why are Diesel engines so loud? Because you get more bang for your buck. +25070,1,"At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place. One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggressively, with talented feinting and elegant movements. The fencer on the right was not fazed however, and just kept parrying the swipes and making counterattacks, over and over again. The game was an even match, but the fencer on the right was winning because nothing the other player did could match his defense or countering. The uninformed viewer turned to the retired fencer he was watching with and said to her: “Wow, that player on the right is really good, they’re winning by a lot!” The veteran turned to him and said: “Sure, but there’s nothing original, nothing unique about their style, unlike the player on the left.” “What do you mean, why aren’t they unique?” The retired fencer sighed, then she said: “Well, there���s no point in skill or elegance if all the opponent ever does is riposte!”" +25071,1,What kind of dessert is the most fattening? wedding cake +25072,1,Went to the store today and they had a special on..... He was collecting the trolleys +25073,2,"If you ever think sex in a car is difficult, Imagine how clowns feel." +25074,5,My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted +25075,2,A man walks into a bar to find its full of black feathers. Its a crowbar. +25076,0,"What breaks up, comes back Breaks up, comes back, breaks up, comes back, breaks up, comes back.....etc. Buttcheeks on a fart" +25077,0,Yo mama's so hairy when she walks her dog she gets pet first +25078,0,LETS SEE WHOS A CHEMISTRY EXPERT. +25079,1,A polar bear walks into an Iqaluit bar The bartender asks what he wants. “I’ll have a... ...Vodka” “Alright” says the bartender “But why the long pause?” +25080,1,Forever is a long time... but when does one ever end? One-ever you want! +25081,1,I just found out that hamsters blink one eye at a time. And all that time I thought mine fancied me. +25082,0,What does Donald Trump call the space between his balls and his butthole? The Bridge. It connects his courage to his ideas. +25083,4,"I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, I don't know how I never noticed that all the signs were there.." +25084,1,"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... ...which quickly becomes overcrowded. The bartender trying to take jocular orders for one beer than half a beer than a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth is crushed to death as are all the other patrons. And the mathematicians themselves, of course. Still they walk in. Somehow they force themselves into the narrow confines of what was once a bar and now is nothing but the crushed bones, flesh, and blood of their fellow fanciers of numbers. And still, still they come. Mathematician atoms are forced together closer and closer until fusion occurs. They are a star. And still, still they come. Marching in hoping for a beer. Not getting one. Getting devoured. Becoming one with the nuclear fire until the sheer mass of them overcomes the forces keeping the bits of them apart and what was once a bar is a black hole into which more and ever more mathematicians are committed. A couple of physicists observe it all in wonder. They wonder where all the mathematicians are coming from. And wish they'd known their limits." +25085,1,What does a ghost take when it has acid reflux? Phan-tums. +25086,7,"Girl about to jump of a bridge..... A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a blow job?” So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job. After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl..... " +25087,0,Gay men make me puke When I deepthroat too far +25088,1,I don't like going on the male toilets because men are a lot more open to farting loud there so I sometimes like to sneak into the female toilets and there they are a lot more quiet and discreet about it.... At least when they know I'm there +25089,1,"I am the Boss Boss hangs a poster on his office room’s door. “I AM THE BOSS, DON’T FORGET AND STAY WITHIN YOUR LIMITS”. He returns and finds a slip on his desk. “Sir, your wife called, she was shouting and said she wants her poster back at HOME... “." +25090,0,"A guy walks into a public bathroom... He sees a phone number written on the wall with ""call for a good time"" scrawled beneath it. Curious, he gives the number a call. An old man picks up the phone. ""Hey, your number was written on the bathroom stall and it said 'call for a good time'?"" The old man, having received the same phone call twice a day for a week, says ""no. Can you please rub it off?"" ""I mean, I didn't want to, that's why I called you.""" +25091,0,What do you call foreplay with a prositute? Whore d ouevres +25092,0,"3 Brothers Share a Bed So my family was really poor growing up, and I had to share a bed with my two older brothers. Naturally being the youngest, I had to sleep in the middle of the other two every night, which sucked. But one night my brothers said they had the craziest dream. Oldest brother said, ""I had the craziest dream that someone was jacking me off last night!"" The other brother - ""Hey I had a dream that someone jacked me off last night too!"" Me - ""I had a dream that I was downhill skiing!""" +25093,1,"I asked my friend how his wife was... He said ""She's an angel!"" I said, ""oh, you're the lucky one, mine's still alive.""" +25094,5,"Daddy long legs A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat... 'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said." +25095,4,Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can’t even +25096,2,I laughed at an ugly person once Then the mirror cracked +25097,3,"Build a man a fire, he'll be warm all night... Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life. " +25098,0,"A Jamaican, trinidadian & guyanese goes to the desert.. In search of buried treasure. The Jamaican brought water incase they got thirsty. The trinidadian brought food incase they hot hungry. The guyanese man brought a car door. Confused, the Jamaican and trinidadian asked why he brought a car door. The guyanese man smiled and said "" incase we feel hot, I'll wind down the window "". " +25099,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who’s there? The chicken. +25100,1,Did you hear that quilter was finally arrested? She had a pattern of misconduct. +25101,3,"Did you hear the joke about Net Neutrality? Sorry, your current internet package does not support punchlines. Please upgrade to the higher end package. " +25102,0,What did the overly concerned Mother and lawyer Father name their second son? Justin Case +25103,2,"A man walks into a barber shop.. A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave. The barber gives him a small wooden egg and tells him to put it under his cheek to help with the shave. The man is skeptical at first but he inserts it into his mouth and sure enough, the shave is done beautifully with no nicks or scratches. The man, thrilled at this discovery says, ""This thing it's great! Tell me, what happens if I swallow it by accident?"" The barber just smiles and says, ""In that case, you just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.""" +25104,0,What do you call a cow in a 6 second video? A BoVine +25105,0,"An American, and Israel, and an Arab are on a plane. The pilot says that they are going down in altitude because the items that they brought are too heavy, so they agree to throw out something that they have a lot off back at home. The American takes lots of money, stacks and stacks of bills. “I have a lot of this back where I come from”, and proceeds to throw them off the plane. The Arab then takes a bunch of guns that he brought onto the plane. “I have a lot of these back where I come from”, and promptly throws them off the plane. Finally, the Israeli takes the hand of the Arab. “I have a lot of these back where I come from.” And throws the Arab off the plane." +25106,2,How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia? Because he is snowed in. +25107,3,"The past, the present, and the future all walked into a bar. It was tense. " +25108,3,"If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian, Then Soviet" +25109,1,What do you call a thick noodle? An impasta. (Don't know if this has already been posted on here so...) +25110,5,What did the German physicist call his beer mug? Ein stein. +25111,1,All I can say to galaxy note 7. It's blazing fast. +25112,2,My social life is like an oxygen mask Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens +25113,2,"Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter ""What are you doing?"" She asked.  ""Hunting Flies"" He responded.  ""Oh. Killing any?"" She asked.  ""Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"" he replied.  Intrigued, she asked. ""How can you tell them apart?""  He responded, ""3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.""" +25114,0,"Going down on a woman can be a lot like making a deal with ruthless property developers, who specialize in building airports. You're expecting a nice, tidy landing strip but you end up with 4 runways, 2 terminal buildings, and a multi-storey car park. " +25115,1,I know there is something that I need to hang my notes on wall. Just can't quite pin down on what it is. +25116,1,Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea? Because all proper-tea is theft +25117,3,"A man walks into a bar The bartender asks ""Why the long face?"" The man replies ""I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."" The bartender looks shocked and says ""I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."" The man asks ""Well what would you do in my situation?"" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says ""If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."" The man jumps up from his stool and shouts ""That's a great idea! Thanks!"" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. ""Did you kill the guy?"" The bartender asks nervously. ""Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.""" +25118,0,Why did the Mexican boy think the school belonged to him? Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it +25119,2,"I got my drug dealer arrested today. Maybe next time remember to wish me Happy Birthday, mom!" +25120,6,My girlfriend told me that having a small dick was not a problem But I dunno... I kind of wish she didn't have one at all +25121,0,Yo mama is so fat! Aliens have spotted her by her gravitational waves. +25122,3,An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. . . He regretted not passing the bar. +25123,0,9/11 couldn't have been an inside job ...the planes came from the outside. +25124,2,What rhymes with orange No it doesn't. +25125,2,How do you call the part between grandma's tits? Her pussy +25126,4,Do you know that crazy Mexican that steals trains? He had loco motives +25127,2,"After a stressful takeoff The pilot forgets to turn off the mic and says to the co-pilot, ""Damn, i could really use a hot cup of joe and a blowjob right about now!"". The air hostess quickly runs back, panicking to the cockpit to warn the pilots. As she is running a passenger yells ""Dont forget the coffee!""." +25128,3,I keep telling actors to ‘break a leg’. I do it because they’re part of a cast. +25129,0,Vsauce is comin' (From your screen) Heeeyyy! Vsauce. (From suddenly behind you) Michael here! (Echoing around you) What if you... WERE DEFENCELESS +25130,5,"Wife and husband are in the living room. She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone. At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message. Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen. At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband. ""Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich.""" +25131,2,"This morning I was buttoning my shirt... And the button fell off. Then, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off and the doorknob fell off. Then, I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I am afraid to pee..." +25132,0,What's blue and fucks old ladies? Me in my lucky blue coat. +25133,1,"Jesus was talking with the 12 apostles.. He said “Hey Guys, I can walk on water!” They responded “No way” And he said back “Yahweh!”" +25134,2,"Mr. Stark, I'm not feeling so good... Rene Descartes get home from work. Wife: You forgot groceries again!? Descartes: I'm sorry honey, I wasn't thinking. *Descartes slowly fades from existence*" +25135,0,What should honest people never have on their head? Lice! +25136,4,"My Grandpa said, your generation relies way too much on technology and then unplugged my phone. I said no, your generation relies too much on technology and unplugged his life support." +25137,1,*After Breakup due to commitment issues* Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye! Me : Can't say adieu. +25138,2,"Prostitute Pony What did the prostitue pony where on its hooves? Whore shoes. Ok, I'll stop:(" +25139,0,What do you call an incredibly devout religious dinosaur? Meteorthodox. +25140,7,"The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft? The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex. The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The Irish, not to be outdone by anyone spend a weekend drinking, and come back Monday morning concluding it's to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead." +25141,9,"Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it ""Bang"" I mean, think about it.. ""I BANGED Emma Watson last night."" " +25142,1,"My dad told me this over dinner with grandparents (I need to preface this by saying that it is common for builders to carry screws and nails in their mouth for convenience). As told by my father: I was working at an addition way out on the shit side of Davenport doing furnaces. One day, I looked in a window and saw some goofy-ass old, scrawny plumber in the window of a house which wasn't finished yet; laughing with a menacing look in his face, watching the roofers work across the street. I asked him what the hell he could be laughing at and he said: ""for the past few weeks, I've seen a lady outside on her front step whenever I pull up in the morning, wearing a robe. Yesterday, she opened the robe and showed me her tits. I was so excited, I pulled in her driveway and followed her inside. When we got to lovin, I heard her husband was home and ditched the place. I ran across the street to these roofers and none of them assholes believed me! They started making fun of me and calling me a fag, so I packed up and left. What them assholes don't know is that I pissed in their bucket of nails before I left, and now they've got those nails in their mouth and shit.""" +25143,0,How do you know someone is good at gaming? When they got more first bloods than a middle school bathroom. +25144,0,"When are you allowed to play with scissors? Never, under no circumcises!" +25145,1,"If Weed was a Chick, would you fuck her? I don't sleep with my buds." +25146,2,My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist He suffers from very sphere delusions. +25147,1,The king's ego really took a hit when he couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. His men were walking on eggshells. +25148,5,"How does Harry Potter go down a hill? Walking jk, rolling" +25149,5,"Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second : ""How do i get to the other side of the river"" The second man shouts back : ""You are on the other side of the river.""" +25150,0,"Leper and a prostitute After the sex the leper gives the prostitute the money and says keep the tip. ​ ​ \\- not sure if anyone posted this before, new to this sub" +25151,2,How do you greet someone with Parkinson's? What's shakin'? +25152,1,How does moses make his tea?... Hebrews it +25153,0,"Women are good at multitasking They can grow a baby in their belly and make me dinner at the same time Edit: Fuck you, grammar nazis Edit2: I’m not fixing anymore grammar. If you don’t like it then sit THEIR and fucking cry ;)" +25154,1,"Bad joke incoming I apologize in advance Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." +25155,0,What are the homeless people of NYC getting this Christmas? frostbite +25156,1,How does Trump supporters like their steaks? Overcucked. +25157,0,"It's red, round, and not a red circle A transgender red circle" +25158,2,"A moth goes into a dentists office at 11 PM He goes to the lady behind the counter and says ""i just won a million dollars in the lottery. So i bought my parents a mansion. As soon as i did the mansion burnt down, killing both of my parents and then i got hit by a car breaking my arm. I've never been more depressed or in debt in my life."" The woman sitting behind the counter says ""your plight has moved me. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. But i must ask: why did you come here? Its not a hospital, so i cant help you mentally and I'm not a bar so i cant give you a drink to cope."" And to that the moth says ""well, the light was on.""" +25159,4,"A blonde walks into a laundromat... And says to a worker, ""can you wash this shirt?"" The worker did not hear her and said ""come again?"" The blonde than replies ""no it is mustard this time""" +25160,0,Two Cleaners In A Car... Broom Broom +25161,1,"Why did the human get fired from the calendar factory? Because they took a few days off. Probably a repost, but IDC" +25162,1,"[OC] What do you call it when mozzarella, cheddar, and parmesan rent a little beach house together? Cottage cheese" +25163,2,It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona Arizona is land locked. . . . . . . . . They made the law to protect your mom +25164,0,This fruit stuff is pretty good. It's almost like I'm eating juice. +25165,1,"I had a dream last night I was eating giant marshmallows, when I woke up my pillows had gone." +25166,2,How many ophthalmologists does it take to change a light bulb? 1... or 2? 1... or 2? +25167,0,I used a digital dog whistle on my dog at max frequency His other ear Hertz now +25168,3,"A guy walks into a proctologist’s office... The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?” “Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.” The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piece of lettuce sticking out of his ass. The doctor pulls it out and shows the man. “Is that all, Doc?” The man asks. “Oh no,” exclaims the doctor, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”" +25169,1,Saw a lady with ultra tight jeans sitting alone. I jokingly asked her how she got into them. She said for $50 she'd show me how I could do it. +25170,3,"Cheating Wife... Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."" ""That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,"" said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. ""It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."" Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. ""Picture this,"" says the third man, ""I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...""" +25171,1,"Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.” Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“" +25172,0,How do you know when someone is a vegan? They tell you. +25173,1,"I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so i tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck... I'm at the hospital now waiting to see a cardyologist." +25174,1,I was so close to winning lotto I had all the right numbers but they were in the wrong order. +25175,2,What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day? Au revoir! +25176,10,"What are you going to do in the weekend? ""I'm going to buy glasses."" ""And then what?"" ""Then I'll see.""" +25177,2,If you've got a condition whereby you hate being watched... You should probably get that looked at. +25178,0,"A Pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms... ""We have some for 75 cents a piece."" the pharmacist replied. The man asks for two, the pharmacist calculates the total and says, ""That will be $1.58 with tax, sir."" The guy says, ""Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on.""" +25179,0,Two men are talking in a bar The firs one says do you have any pets And the second one replies with yes I have a German Shepard he is really good at herding my sheep Really says the first man Yes although every now and again he will scream that slavery is bad and how you can’t own another person in German +25180,1,"I was in bed with my Japanese girlfriend when I happened to remark that her vagina was getting a bit saggy and big. She lost it and said, ""You are always clittysizing.""" +25181,0,What was Trump's response when asked about hurricane Irma? They're gonna build a wall to stop it from entering the US. +25182,3,"What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?... When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere." +25183,0,"A Georgian and a Canadian are walking on an ocean that’s frozen over... Warning: if you don’t follow college football you won’t get this The Canadian, who does this quite often, says “so, what do you think?” The Georgian says: “Well I have to admit, I do like the absence of the Tide.” " +25184,0,"Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme. I give you, ""The Lamb That Thyme Forgot"" " +25185,4,Why are priests called Father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy. +25186,6,"Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor.. Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear. Blushing coming up from the table, he sets the cards down and they continue to play. A little while later while going to get a drink from the fridge, the other wife approaches him and asks, ""When you were looking for the cards, did you find anything to your liking?"" Awkwardly, he replies, ""Actually yes, I did."" ""If you'd like some more, show up tomorrow at 1 pm and bring 100$. You can like it a little more then."", she whispers to him. He kindly agrees and the next day he shows up at 1 pm with 100$. He hands her the money and they proceed to have at each other, in every conceivable way, for several hours. After the deed is done, he leaves the house. Holding the money in her hand, the phone rings 10 minutes later. It's her husband, ""Hey, did Mike come by today at around 1 pm?"" Ashamed and a little frightened, she says, ""Uh, yes he did."" ""Did he happen to give you 100$?"", he replies promptly. Her heart sinks, ""Y-y-yes, he did."" ""Ah, ok. Good. He came by earlier and asked to borrow 100$. He said he'd drop it off at the house today at 1 pm""" +25187,0,What do you get when you mix mustard and ketchup together? A disgusting abomination that I'm personally ashamed you thought it deserved a punch-line. +25188,0,What do you call someone who loses their second cousin? Careless. +25189,1,How many wife- beaters does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. So how come I gotta do everything around here? (I don't actually condone domestic violence) +25190,0,"A spider crawled into my mom's laptop vent today. She asked if it was going to break her computer and I said ""I dunno. Sounds like you just have a little bug.""" +25191,0,"When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk... ...my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark." +25192,2,"Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items. Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer." +25193,4,"My first workout back at the gym was great. I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital." +25194,0,Yo Momma asked me for a Birthday Present.. So I gave her a Pearl necklace.. She loved it! +25195,1,"The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool. I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder. " +25196,4,Working at a mirror factory is something I could see myself doing. +25197,0,"A man and his parot A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says, ""Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?"" The parrot responds, ""In the jungle, there's millions of them.""" +25198,6,"A family is on a road trip When suddenly a dildo bounces off their windshield. ""What was that?"" asks the daughter. ""It was just a bug, dear"" the mom replies. ""Damn"" the son says, ""did you see the size of it's dick?""" +25199,10,What do you call an emo a capella group? Self Harmony Edit: #10 on /r/all! And thanks for the gold kind stranger! +25200,3,What do you call an Italian man without arms? A mute. Sorry if repost. +25201,2,"My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results. I told him to stay positive." +25202,0,What did the Indian guy say to his girlfriend? You da Bombay +25203,0,I ducking hate autocorrect. It's always causing me to use fowl language. +25204,0,What kind of photos do shelves like? Shelfies! +25205,2,"So I proposed a new bill to my congressman that would deport 1,000,000 Mexicans and 1 chicken When he asked about the chicken I said ""See no one cares about the Mexicans""" +25206,1,"How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says ""I da ho""." +25207,2,Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder! +25208,4,"A guy walks into a bar He sits down and takes a tiny man and a piano out of his pocket, puts it down and the tiny man starts to play. ""Where did you get him from?"" Asked the bar man. ""I got him from a genie"" says the man. ""Would you like a turn?"" He says offering the lamp to the bar man. Of coarse the bar man takes it, rubs the lamp and says to the genie ""I wish for a million bucks!"" And BAM the entire bar is full of ducks. ""What the hell!"" Exclaimed the bar man, ""I wished for a million bucks, not ducks!"". To which the man replied ""do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" +25209,3,This woman turned me down because she only dates dudes with a high fiber diet I guess my shit isn't together enough. +25210,1,Life is like a box of chocolates If you have diabetes it sucks +25211,3,I have a fear of highly sophisticated engineering constructs It's a case of Complex Complex Complex +25212,0,What do you call a bra with a mine in it? A booby trap. +25213,0,My exes broke up with me because I'm a pot lover. I guess you can say they don't have high standards. +25214,2,I recently fell in love with Naval History World War II submarines in particular fascinates me. Japan's I-400-class and the US's Gato class submarines are my absolute favorites. These are the subsifellfor. +25215,2,"Two monkeys in the bath, one turns to the other and says 'ooo ooo aah aahh!!' to which the other replies.. 'Well put some cold in then!'" +25216,2,I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer +25217,2,Whats a frogs favourite drink? Croaka Cola. +25218,4,What is a man's most sensitive organ while masturbating? His ears +25219,1,How are police and bleach similar? They're both great at taking out the black. +25220,1,"I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic... Sadly, they Argon" +25221,5,Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm Let me know if you can't come. +25222,1,I just finished building my concrete speakers today. It sounds solid! +25223,1,My Boss saw me slacking So he asked me: What have you done today? I said: Solving world hunger. Boss: How so? I took a bite of my sandwich and said: there is one less hungry person on earth now. +25224,3,Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas! Just found a brand new one in the basement!!! +25225,1,"This guy was hammered at work today So we called the cops. Get this, they didn't take the guy who was hammered away, but the person who threw it." +25226,1,"People were so upset at me during a funeral this morning.... Don't know why, not my fault I had mourning wood." +25227,2,My wife told me that I should stop turning everything into sexual innuendos and grow up... I told her that's actually something I can get behind +25228,6,"I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time" +25229,0,"A man walks into a Dentist's office A man walks into a Dentist's office. ""Dentist, dentist! My tooth hurts! It hurts!"" he wails in pain. ""Well hold on sir, there are other patients ahead of you."" The Dentist calmly replied. ""I'm not just A patient!"" The man yellowed out. ""I am IMpatient!"" And you know what? I think they were both right. Please leave any feedback below! This is just a rough draft." +25230,5,"A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.... ​ So, they buried Susie." +25231,1,Even bedware is in the news. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. +25232,7,"How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake." +25233,1,I'm sick and tired of those who say Hillary has no great accomplishments.... I would say staying out of prison for the crimes she committed in the last four decades is a great accomplishment. +25234,3,"The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar It was tense" +25235,5,"An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening... “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”" +25236,8,"TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name: Kanye " +25237,2,Why am I scared of french pastry chefs? They give me the crepes. +25238,4,"Pedro is sitting in a sauna with two other men... ...when suddenly, a jingle goes off. One of the guys make a telephone symbol with his hand, brings his hand up to his ear, then begins a conversation directly into it. When he's finished, Pedro says, ""whoa man, what was that?!"" ""Ah, that's the newest technology,"" replied the man. ""I make and receive calls with only my hand!"" Another jingle goes off and the second guy proceeds to do the same thing--answer a call on his hand. Pedro is amazed! He's never seen anything like it! But he's also embarrassed for not having the same new gadget. Fortunately, Pedro gets an idea... Pedro excuses himself to the bathroom, puts a long sheet of toilet paper between his butt, then goes back to the sauna. The other two men look at him strangely, then at each other, then back at Pedro until one of them says, ""Bro, you left some toilet paper coming out of your butt."" Pedro casually looks at his behind, then exclaims, ""Oh! I'm just receiving a fax!"" " +25239,1,"I don't mind it when I post a joke and it only gets 2 or 3 upvotes. Usually, when I tell a joke in a crowd, only 2 or 3 people laugh anyway..." +25240,0,Doomsday preppers Just got renewed for four more seasons. +25241,3,What do you call a magician without any magic? Ian. +25242,0,What did they give the inventor of the door knocker? A No-bell prize +25243,2,"In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue. Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day. Everyone laughed at the coincidence, and the two clerics agreed to have a race. A course was planned out, and the next day the two men took off. The Catholic priest had a slight edge through the town, but when the course led out into more rural areas, the rabbi took the lead. Eventually the course took them to a narrow dirt road, wide enough for only one car, and the rabbi was ahead while the priest was right on his tail. They passed a sign that said, ""Danger! Bridge Out Ahead!"", and they came to a cliff where a bridge had recently been washed out. The rabbi slammed on his brakes, his car's wheels locked up, and screeched to a stop just two feet in front of the cliff. The priest has just a tick slower to react, and his car rammed the rabbi's car, pushing its front wheels over the embankment. With the rabbi's Cadillac balanced precariously on the cliff, the priest scrambled to help the rabbi to safety. Once both men were safe, they called the police and waited for their arrival. A Boston cop came to the scene first. He looked at the two cars in the road. He looked at the damage to the front end of the priest's car. Then he looked at the rabbi's car, hanging on the cliff, with damage to its back end. The cop took off his hat and scratched his head, wondering what to make of the situation. Finally, in a thick Irish brogue, he asked, ""So, father, at what speed was the rabbi going when he backed into you?"" " +25244,2,"Trump's New Book I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was an Arabic bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!” I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”" +25245,2,Why do walruses love a tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. +25246,0,What do you call it when someone tries to hang themselves and they fail? Bad noose. +25247,0,"Death Bed Regrets When I'm on my death bed, I want my biggest regret to be not telling my wife I love her enough, but instead, my biggest regret is telling my wife what Bukakke is." +25248,1,"My Favorite Joke of all Time Sven the big Swede had been feeling a little tired and run-down. His wife Olga had noticed and basically forced him into going to the doctor for the first time since he was a kid. The doctor gave him a basic physical. He said, ""Well, Sven - you're an absolute specimen. You're 46 and have the physique and health of a 20 year old. Let me ask you some questions. Do you sleep pretty well? Any insomnia?"" Sven: Oh, nooooo - sleep like a baby. Doctor: Eating well? Sven: Oh, yah, eat Olga's good cooking and take the vitamins too. Yah. Doctor: How are things at work? Stressful? Sven: Oh, no! Love that place! Love everybody there! Want to work there until I'm 100! The doctor scratched his head, thought a minute, then said, ""Well, Sven, how are things in the bedroom? Pretty good? Normal? Sorry to be so personal, but I'm grasping at straws here."" Sven: Oh, everything good there doctor! But pretty normal! I mean, we wake up in the morning - have de sex 2 - maybe 3 time, just like everybody and I go to work. Come home for lunch, have de sex 2 - maybe 3 time. After work, get home, we have de sex 4 - maybe five time - you know yoost like everybody. Then have dinner, play some cards or watch TV. Then we go to bed and yoost like everbody have de sex 5 maybe 6 time. The doctor: Holy Cow, Sven! You and Olga need to stop having so much sex! It's gonna kill you! Sven: On, no doctor! It moost be all de yakkin' off in between! I'll show myself out now." +25249,0,You can understand it better when you speak it. Knock Konck Who's there? Hoola... Hoola who? P +25250,0,Why can't orphans play baseball? Coz they can't find home. +25251,1,The funeral for the inventor of air conditioning was held today. Thousands of fans attended. +25252,7,"Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other ""how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?"" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say ""I see you have a gun can you hit with it?"" He Thrusts a finger into a closed fist as if it is a bullet. Then,finally he says,""I see you have binoculars and are watching me"" he cups his hands around his eyes like binoculars. The other soldier jumps up,runs back to base and tell his Commanding Officer ""We have to leave the Americans are batshit crazy,one of them signaled me: when the sun goes down I will swim across the river and fuck you till your eyes pop out" +25253,1,What did one plate say to the other at the table? Dinner’s on me tonight. +25254,0,Repost How many ninjas does it take to change a lightbu- Oh it changed! +25255,0,Why isn’t my dog as interesting as my friends German cat? My dog only has 1 tail to tell compared to the cat’s nein +25256,0,Which came first? The chicken or the egg? The egg. Another animal produced an egg whose genetic makeup developed a small mutation and became the chicken that we know today. +25257,0,I've been on a bent for making up cannibal jokes recently. Here's the new one: What do the Cannibal Gods eat between meals? Human snackrifice. +25258,0,"A Pirate Raid Four Somalian pirates, Tain, Haran, Abba, and Thuh, were capturing and boarding a ship. After seizing all of the ship's crew, Thuh took a swig from a fresh Coca-Cola bottle in front of the ship's crew. Wanted to tease the crew's thirst, he unscrewed the bottle, and offered a crew member some. Before the crew member drank, he put the cap back on and mocked the sailer. He decided to do it again to some others. When he offered the next crew member a drink, the member asked the pirate, ""Who are you?"" Caught off gaurd by the question, Thuh dropped the bottle cap as it rolled over to Tain, who picked it up. Thuh looked straight into the crew member's Eyes while holding his hand out to Tain for his cap back, and said, ""Look at me, look at me! I am Thuh. Cap, Tain, now!""" +25259,4,Trump's campaign slogan for 2020 You get out what you Putin +25260,0,What do you call a famous skateboarder who’s also a clown? Tony Honk +25261,0,"There's a black, a Mexican, and a Muslim in one car. Who's driving? The policeman." +25262,1,"So I saw a kid getting bullied at my school today... I would've stood up for him, but I'm bound to a wheelchair." +25263,6,What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species? A Doctor. +25264,2,"There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long] There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being present in the line were worse than getting *punched* in the face, so helplessly once a week on Monday all the students lined up. The children were made to line up on the football pitches far away from the school building so the teachers wouldn't catch them too often. The bullies were usually the eldest students in school on that particular day, and the line was particularly *bad* when the bullies were 16 year olds, and was terrible when the bullies were even younger. A new teacher had joint school and she had heard so much about the bullying and she had zero tolerance for harassment of any sort. She decided that she's going to catch the bullies responsible for this. So every Monday she would go to the football pitches and catch the bullies but there always used to be a *bad line*, and so she would never catch the eldest students who were the linchpins in this entire bullying scheme. She had never even seen the *terrible line*, she always used to catch the 16, and so one day she decided to use the genie lamp that she had since she was in her early twenties. She had used 2 wishes from the genie, and decided that she would use her last wish to try and catch the bullies in charge. Her two previous wishes were used on becoming the most knowledgeable economics teacher in the UK and to be an extremely fun teacher in the classroom. These two wishes were granted to her by the genie and it helped her land the teaching job at this school. She rubbed the lamp and the genie came out, she then went on to explain to the genie about the punching situation in the school and how all the students were made to stand in a line. She then went on to explain how she had only been catching the *bad line* of students and how she wished that she could catch the other bullies. The genie nodded and told her that things would be different tomorrow. So the next Monday the teacher went to school like normal, and saw that there were no 16 year olds in school. This intrigued her, but at least she knew she that she wouldn't see the *bad line*, this excited her. She had dreamt of this day where she would finally catch the other bullies who were *punching* all the students. The teacher began to walk towards the football field not knowing what to anticipate as she had never seen any other line apart from the *bad* one. Once she reached there she knew that the genie had fulfilled her wish once again because, in front of her she saw it; the punchline, and it was *terrible*. " +25265,0,"What does it mean when they say my car needs ""more low"" I don't know, I don't speak Little Bitch." +25266,0,"A blond wakes up... A blond wakes up one day and see that her boyfriends computer is on and is opened up to a website. She sits down and after a few minutes she cray out loud. "" wow I can't believe this"" Her boyfriend walks back into the room and ask her what is going on. She says excitedly ""I think I became physic over night! "" Her boyfriend ask her why she thinks this. And she said "" well everything on this website is suppose to me new information and I already know all of it before it was posted on here, it like I am psychic!"" ""I am so excited about my new powers!!!"" Her boyfriend leans in and looks at what she is talking about, he than realizes that she is looking at r/jokes and it just a bunch of repost. " +25267,3,"A girl from the office is trying to get me fired for sexual harassment because I've been giving her ""inappropriate massages during work"" I said, Good luck sweetheart. I don't even work here. " +25268,2,I heard they're letting girls join the boy scouts now. They're going to help the boys pitch a tent. +25269,3,"Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as ""Hot"" As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now." +25270,0,Would a gay shop owner decline services to someone because they were straight? No. Because gay people aren't fucking assholes. +25271,0,Why aren't sheepdogs allowed out today in the UK? Because it's a bank holiday. +25272,2,"A father and his son were walking into a dark forest at night... ...and the son looks up to his dad and says, ""Dad, this forest is creepy and I am scared."" The dad scoffs and replies, ""What the fuck are you on about? I'm the one who has to walk out of here alone.""" +25273,9,What's the difference between England and Viagra? Viagra can get you past a semi +25274,0,Only thing worse than a vacuum that sucks... is one that blows. +25275,0,Some people say Madeline Maccann was a Rockstar. Some people say Madeline Maccann was a rockstar. Well... Less of the Rock and Roll and more of the drugs and sex. +25276,0,Great news! The doctor told me I'm gonna have a disease named after me! +25277,0,[nsfw] Why is the White House Easter egg hunt special this year? It's the only time Trump will be able to put cream in little girls. +25278,5,"My cousins are like the letter K. They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist." +25279,1,"What's the difference... what's the difference between the rolling stones and a Scottish sheep farmer? The rolling stones sing ""hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"" The Scottish sheep farmers screams ""hey! Mac cloud! Get off of my ewe!""" +25280,1,"A boy goes on a vacation. A boy living in USA with his family decides to take a vacation to his relatives living in Iraq. He decides to bring his dog as well. One day before he was traveling, his dog became ill and he had no choice but to leave him at home with the family. When the boy arrives at his aunt's house in Iraq, he calls home every day to ask how the dog is doing. One day when the boy called home, his sister answered. The first thing the boy said when he heard his sister's voice was: ""How is my dog?"" The sister answers: ""I'm sorry, but your dog died today."" The boy gets mentally destroyed and begins to cry. He calms down after a while and tells his sister: ""Why did you have to say so quickly that my dog ​​has died? Could you not for example start with saying that he was playing in the yard and then died. I would be more prepared and not as sad. "" Months go and the boy is still at his aunt's house. He begins to be worried and calls home. When he calls home, it is the same sister who answers. The first thing the boy says to her is: ""please tell me how is dad?"" Then the sister replies: ""He is playing in the yard.""" +25281,0,My daughter is suffering from a terrible allergic reaction: Maybe she's born with it... Maybe it's histamine. +25282,2,What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore. +25283,0,How many eggs in a gallon? Your average gal on the street has about a million. +25284,4,I have a problem with my genitals One of my balls hangs lower than the other two +25285,0,"I hate it that whenever I ask a girl out she tells me : "" Stop harassing me "" It's like I just want to talk, I have no desire to have her ass in me. " +25286,2,"your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication. “holy shit, we separated?!”" +25287,1,"Feminism Modern feminism, not the stuff that was actually important in the 1900s" +25288,0,"What's the funniest kind of fruit? A joke-o-nut. - ^^btw, ^^coconuts ^^are ^^fruits. " +25289,6,"An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say ""Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country"". Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say ""Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country"". " +25290,0,What's a pirates favorite letter? Tis the C! -Ellie +25291,2,My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout. Then I deflate her afterwards. +25292,0,There are two simple rules for becoming highly successful and wealthy 1. Never tell everything you know. +25293,0,Hitler was quite good at integrating Jews Most of them had full time jobs for the rest of their lives +25294,3,I think my girlfriend is a magician. She makes my paycheck disappear. +25295,0,"The goal of golf is to play less golf ""Yes, but I get much more value for my money per stroke, and I get to explore parts of the golf course that were never meant to be explored.""" +25296,1,"A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, ""Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."" ""Hold on!"" said the census taker, ""Did you get twins every time?"" The woman answered, ""Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'.""" +25297,0,What did the Spanish table say to the chair when it left? See ya! +25298,0,"Fish Pickup Lines: ""Hey, baby. Wanna come over to my place and make caviar?""" +25299,5,"They say... .. if you put your ear up against a strangers inner thigh, you can actually hear them saying ""dude, what the fuck are you doing?""" +25300,1,The age gap in my relationship is somewhat questionable. According to the police. +25301,1,Baby are you a library book? Because I'm probably going to forget about you under my bed until long after you're due. +25302,1,"A trip to Belgium. An American man dreamed his whole life of one day visiting Belgium. Growing up, he obsessed over their culture, the historic architecture of Bruges, the sprawling cities of Antwerp and Brussels, and so on. Finally, he convinced himself that he would fly out there one year and even signed up for Dutch language classes. Preparing for this trip for the entire year, the man finally booked a flight into Antwerp International. When he landed at the airport, he noticed the language being used on signs and spoken over the PA system was nothing like the Dutch he had been learning this whole time. He got the attention of an older Belgian gentleman and asked, ""Excuse me, the language here, it isn't Dutch, is it?"" The gentleman smiled back and replied, ""Oh no, it is Dutch, probably just a different dialect then you're used to."" The American was taken aback. ""A different dialect?"" ""Yes,"" the Belgian gentleman continued, ""nobody expects the Flemish imposition.""" +25303,0,Why shouldn’t we arm teachers with guns? Because most are women... +25304,2,What does the p in Facebook mean? Privacy +25305,1,What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre +25306,0,"Cavemen Hipsters? Ever wonder if cavemen were just as smart as us, just real serious about sustainable living?" +25307,5,"I woke up this morning, looked at my penis and said ""hello ween""" +25308,5,"A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grad students... ""Human beings are the only animals that stutter"", she says. A little girl raises her hand and says, ""I had a kitty cat who stuttered,"" she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ""Well"", she began, ""I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! ""That must've been scary"", said the teacher. ""It sure was"", said the little girl. ""My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say ""FUCK,"" the rottweiler ate him!"" " +25309,0,"My biochemistry professor told us to write, as an assignment, a 1000-words essay on acids... ...but I couldn't go past 100, though: my desk melted while my pen transformed into a dragon and flew away" +25310,1,You too can help prevent wild fires. Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free! +25311,0,"During hide and seek i trued to hide in a small suitcase, But I couldn't contain myself. " +25312,0,What do you call a person who enjoys watching for flying pigs? A hambirder. +25313,0,Why did the pregnant woman love to tell jokes? Because she had a pun in the oven! +25314,0,"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, it's pretty small in there." +25315,2,"A husband on his death bed Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for. Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put into his casket with him when he died. When the day came Jane was the grieving bride, at his viewing all of their friends and neighbors came to wish her well and pay their respects. Right before they closed the casket Jane walked up to the casket, whispered some words and put an envelope into Roy’s jacket. Her friend asked her what that was about, Jane reminded her of what Roy always said he wanted, all of his money in his casket with him. Jane rounded up the money, put it into her checking account, and wrote Roy a check for every last penny." +25316,5,What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef? A seizure salad. +25317,6,My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre +25318,0,My optician got sick today... thats what it looks like at least. +25319,2,"Every girl I take home instantly sounds like an angry old man when I show them my house. ""Bloody kids""" +25320,2,Why are some books so pretentious Because they all feel entitled +25321,2,"How did the amateur bass player introduce himself? Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey" +25322,1,"What's the difference between an Afghan village and a terrorist camp? I don't know, I'm just the one flying the drone." +25323,0,"What did the German General say to his soldiers before they got in the tank? Right lads, in the tank" +25324,2,Why can't girls play hockey? Their pads can't last three periods +25325,1,I was surprised to learn what Princess Diana died from. It was car-pole-tunnel syndrome. +25326,0,Eye to eye What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells. +25327,4,I organised a threesome last night.. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time +25328,1,Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom? He had to take a squeak. +25329,2,What cat has eight legs? An octopus. +25330,7,"What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? ""The girls get older, but he stays the same age"" -first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)" +25331,0,How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? THE LIGHTBULB IS FINE. THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH IT. I MADE LIGHTBULBS WITH GOOD MANAGEMENT. LET'S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. +25332,2,"I ordered a book called ""How To Deal With Impatience"". It STILL hasn't fucking arrived. " +25333,5,Whiteboards... Are remarkable +25334,1,"I asked death to play some popular hits from the 70's... He declined though saying that, ""death does not play favorites.""" +25335,5,"A traveling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. A 10 year old boy answers the door in a dress and bra with a cigar in one hand and whiskey in the other. The traveling salesman asks, ""Excuse me, are your parents home?"" The boy responds, ""What the fuck do you think??""" +25336,1,What's grosser than gross? 144 squared. +25337,3,There's one good thing about suffering from insomnia 3 more sleeps 'til Christmas! +25338,1,Why do all the Egyptians fart the same? They have a Tutankhamen. +25339,0,"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg, the rooster never went down on her." +25340,1,What do you call a good american beer? Imported from Belgium +25341,3,"Obsolete joke; I went into the video store the other day, I asked if I could rent Batman Forever? They said “No! But you can have it for three nights!”" +25342,0,"Our parents know everything about us :) Wife : whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don’t know what to do? . . . . Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them…" +25343,0,I tried to kill my sister in the womb. She was still born. +25344,0,"Egg to the boiling water 'It's gonna take a minute for me to get hard, I just got laid by a chick' " +25345,2,"To make a long story short, Summarize." +25346,2,I lost a really valuable item after a break-in the other night. My balaclava was blown off in the wind. +25347,1,"There was an Arabian, African, European, and an American sitting together at a table... A guy comes up to them and asks: What is your opinion on lack of food for the poor in the rest of the world? The Arabian says: What is an opinion? The African says: What is food? The European says: What is poor? The American says: What is the rest of the world?" +25348,0,Have you heard the rumor about butter? Never mind I shouldn't spread it. +25349,0,How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. +25350,0,"One day a ghost was ranting to his buddy about how his girlfriend gave his bedding away... ""Who gives a sheet!""" +25351,6,"An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He says: ""Have you been drinking?"" ""Just water,"" says the priest. The cop replies: ""Then why do I smell wine?"" The priest looks at the bottle and says: ""Good Lord! He's done it again!""" +25352,0,Whats an iPhone 7's favorite brand of frozen pizza? Not Jack's. +25353,1,What is the best american alternative metal band in australia? System of a down under. +25354,2,That's a lot of votes Donald Would be a shame if someone deleted them... +25355,5,Why does Norway have barcodes on their boats? So they can Scandinavian. +25356,2,I used to be a kleptomaniac... But I'm better now. I took something for it. +25357,6,"Ralph came home drunk one night slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . ""Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"" " +25358,1,The Beach Boys walk in to a bar... Round? Round... Get a round? I'll get a round... +25359,2,"A man is driving down a road and sees a peach stand thats says “peaches in all flavors” Curious by the stand’s name, he turns around to stop by. As he aproaches the stand he asks, Man: “do you really sell peaches in all flavors” Peach Vendor: “I sure do! What kind would you like?” Man: “Ok well give me a peach that tastes exactly like an orange” Peach vendor: “ok here it is!l The man then bites the peach, shocked that it tastes exactly like an orange. Now even more curious to the limit of flavors. Man: “give me a peach that tastes exactly like peanut butter and jelly” Peach vendor: “here you are” Man: “ah ha! I only taste peanut butter!” Peach Vendor: “turn it around” And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly. But now the man must give this vendor the ultimate test. Man: “ok peach man, give me a peach that tastes exactly like pussy!” Peach vendor: “here you are” Man: “Yuck! It tastes like ass!” Peach vendor: *rolls eyes* “turn it around”" +25360,1,A cement mixer collided with a prison van... Police warn to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. +25361,0,What did Thanos say to the universe? Not even... +25362,0,"Someone thought it would be funny to throw a piece of meat at me, but they couldn’t even hit me! I’m going to get them back, they’ll know that was a missed-steak" +25363,1,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn jungles. Worse still, I was the ""protagonist"" of this story, if you can call me that. It was October, 1972. We were stationed along the Ho Chi Minh trail to intercept supplies going through a triage of enemy villages 112 kilometers north of the capital. My platoon had set up an encampment on the southside hill in relation to these villages when gunfire began raining down on us. We did what we were trained to do, although I could tell the rest of the boys were scared out of their minds. I can't blame 'em. But when the gunfire became sweeping towards our position from farther south was when we all realized we were in some deep shit. We were rats snapped snug into a trap. We called for reinforcements, but the higher ups all had their hands tied up in other ambushes throughout the valley. Air support was limited, although we relished the brief pauses in the bloodshed it would give us when they dropped the bombs on the hostiles. During one of the enemy waves I lost four of my fingers to enemy grenade shrapnel. A Norwegian recruit, Sven Alfoldssen, saved my ass during that same encounter. The men began calling me ""Six"", and Alfoldssen ""Seven"". We became pretty good friends. We shared a few drinks together, spoke about our women, reminisced about times before we were drafted into this whole shit show. But we were proud to serve, and would die for our respective countries willingly if it meant stopping the Commies from encroaching on our freedoms. But that all changed after a few weeks of no reinforcements and dwindling supplies. Some men began eating flour mixed with dirt to sate their unrelenting appetites. There were some scuffles for the last few MREs that got pretty violent. Before we had some hope help would arrive to push the commies off the hill to get us some goddamn food. Now, it was no secret we were in some dire fucking straits. Three weeks passed since the last MRE was eaten. If the Viet Cong made a significant offensive on our position during then, we would've certainly kissed all our lives goodbye. The men found it hard just to stand up in the morning. Our rip-cages were all showing, and we just started isolating ourselves from one another. There's no point in making small talk if all you can think about is the next bite to eat. This is where I'm struggling to recollect my thoughts. It's not that I *can't* remember, mind you. I don't *want* to remember. Who on this fucking marble called planet Earth *wouldn't* want to forget this? Seven began talking to me for the first time in three days. I didn't want to reciprocate, because I had to patrol the perimeter that day and he was obviously compromising my position with his banter. He was saying some shit about one of our foreign recruits hailing from Germany. Saying things like ""we should take him by surprise"" and ""he'd make for some nice company during dinner."" I mostly ignored what he said, but the little I retained sent chills up my spine. That night, I went to see how the german was doing. This was the worst mistake of my life, and what I saw would never leave my memories till the day I die. I opened up the tent and saw Seven with a bloody fistful of the german over his mouth. I saw the poor man moaning his dying breaths as Seven bit on his intestines. I'll never forget what the german said. *Nein ... Nein ...*. In absolute rage, I grabbed a nearby rope and strangled the cannibal Seven to death. I strangled to death a man who was once my friend. When the deed was done, the german had already passed. I cried, holding his bloodied head in my arms. I couldn't find a dogtag on the german's body. Seven must've thrown it away somewhere in some inane attempt to cover-up his crime. The rest of my comrades, upon hearing about what happened, began calling the poor soul ""Nein"". Reinforcements and supplies arrived a couple days afterwards. After a few weeks in the hospital, we were sent back into the thick of it all. War is like that. It never forgets, but also never cares. I've told this story to so many naive greens during my time in these jungles. This story kept me up through it all, and not in a good way. I'll never forget what I saw that night. When I saw how Sven ate Nein. (TL;DR: Because Seven Eight Nine) " +25364,0,What vehicle does a dielectric drive? Micar. +25365,1,What do you call a tidal wave on a nude beach? Poonami +25366,1,Why do teenagers travel in groups of three? Because they can't even! +25367,2,What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep? Dumblebore +25368,0,I'm a new actor and just shot a pilot... ...turns out I wasn't supposed to use a loaded gun. +25369,2,"Last year, my 80 year old mom started walking a mile a day. I've no fucking idea where she is now. " +25370,1,Women are like exams. If they're too easy you get complacent. And if they're too difficult you start looking at someone else's. +25371,2,"Most of the Alligator shoes sold are of low quality, so I went to the bayou to get my own 28 gators later and none of them are wearing any shoes" +25372,2,My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that... +25373,1,Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box? He only scores short-handed goals +25374,2,Two scientists walk into a bar You’d think the second one would notice. +25375,1,"A rich philanthropist decides to give some jewelry to a homeless woman on the street, named Edith. Edith: thanks for the gold!" +25376,5,The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years That's a long time considering they're working around the clock +25377,0,"The shortest court trial ever. A red judge (UK High Court Judge) arrived in York, driven by his chauffeur. As he got out of the car, a vagrant abused him verbally in the strongest possible terms. (I leave this to your imagination.) The judge said to the attending police officers, “Bring that man before me immediately”. Once in court, the judge asked the defendant if he wished to explain his tirade. “I’m sorry your honour. I thought it was the f*ing Mayor.” “In that case” the judge replied, “your action was perfectly understandable. Case dismissed.”" +25378,0,A kiss from what on the farm would cause the end of the world? Alpaca lips. +25379,2,What do you call a hen that acts like an asshole? Jerk chicken +25380,1,Why did the taxi driver quit his job? He was tired of people talking behind his back. +25381,0,"The day after Halloween An engineering student is walking to across campus on the day after Halloween, when all of a sudden one of his classmates flies up to him riding a flying broom. Amazed by what he's seen, he asks, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?” His friend, also an engineering student, replied, “Well, I was walking home yesterday afternoon minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first student nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”" +25382,0,"A person goes missing at a shopping centre, a detective arrives and questions a man who says his wife is missing. The detective immediately knows where she is... The lost property box" +25383,4,The man who created autocorrect has died Restaurant in piece +25384,1,"I used to believe that my stencil drawings served a purpose, but now I know they're meaningless I'm an ex-stencilist" +25385,1,"Why does that guy always get all the women? ""I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich"" ""And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows""" +25386,0,What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? An elephant's foreskin. +25387,0,"For years I've had the same routine... of eating the same breakfast every day, driving the same car to arrive at work at the same time, having that evening glass of the same wine, wearing the same style shoes. And for years my wife is always telling me that I'm boring and I should change things up. So today I finally agreed with her and I fucked my neighbors wife and I can't wait to tell her that I finally took her advice.." +25388,1,"Doctor tells an old man ""I have bad news and worse news"".. Old man: ""Tell me the worse news first, I guess."" Doc: ""You have cancer. I'm sorry."" Old man: ""Wow. Okay. And what else is there?"" Doc: ""You also have Alzheimers. I'm really, sorry"" Old man: ""Oh Jesus. I'm relieved, actually. I thought you were going to say I had cancer.""" +25389,3,"How do churches split the collections? A man goes to a Catholic church and says to the priest ""Father, I was wondering, how do you decide how much of each collection goes to God and how much goes to you?"" and the priest says ""Come come, I'll show you."" So the priest draws a circle on the ground and says ""I throw the collection up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle goes to God and whatever lands outside the circle goes to me"". Then the man goes to a Lutheran church and asks the same question and explains how the Catholic church does it. The pastor says ""Oh no no we don't do that here. I draw a line and whatever lands on the left side of the line goes to God and whatever lands on the right side goes to me"". Then the man goes to a synagogue and asks the rabbi the same question and explains how the other churches do it. The rabbi says ""Ah yes, we have a special system. I throw all the money up in the air and I say 'God! Take what you want!'""" +25390,4,"Jokes so Bad that They're Funny The midget psychic broke out of prison. He was a small medium at large. A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat. Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forget how it goes. Here's a poem by a dog (Bo Burnham): Roses are grey, violets are another shade of grey, let's go chase cars. The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands. What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder. (I'll see myself out.)" +25391,0,Which country produces the highest amount of milk in the world? Nepal. +25392,0,What did one volcano say to the other other volcano? Salmon says +25393,5,What's the Russian word for no Wi-Fi? Interniet +25394,3,I'm writing an autobiography I'm planning to kill off the main character though +25395,2,What is the definition of a mixed feeling? Watching your mother-in-law roll off a cliff in your new car +25396,3,What's the difference between your mom and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't call me for 3 weeks after i dump my load in it. +25397,2,Have you heard about the drought in Yemen? The UN is giving out a lot of Yemen aid. +25398,0,"A suit walks into a bar and sits beside a country guy. Suit asks, ""What is the difference between a heifer and a cow?"" Country: "" Well, heifers and cows look mostly the same, but one's too young to have young and the other one's got game."" Suit:""Which is which?"" Country:""Think this way, your sister is a heifer, and your mama is a cow."" " +25399,5,Dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it. +25400,4,I heard women love a man in uniform.. Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds. +25401,0,What do you do when your job is giving you a headache? You take a leave. +25402,2,When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums But now it all adds up +25403,4,"A guy asks a woman, “would you sleep with me for $100?” “Of course not!” replies the lady. ”Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”" +25404,2,My spare hatchet is much worse than my primary at chopping There's a sharp contrast. +25405,2,What will happen if someone robs a Nintendo Switch factory? WIIU WIIU WIIU WIIU +25406,1,Fishing is similar to a crooked businessman calling his lawyer It's one jerk on the end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other end. +25407,0,"I went to a German all boys school throughout my primary school years. There was a sticker trading game that was very popular amongst the students and I was deeply invested in the game by the end of primary school. When I started high school my parents thought it would be best for my education if I was to go to a Jewish school. On the first day I brought my entire sticker collection, only to find not one person who was willing to trade stickers with me. I just couldn’t figure out why nobody wanted to play Swap-stika with me." +25408,5,"[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would have to leave. The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked an old man named Ah Pek to represent them. As Ah Pek was not conversant in Italian language, he asked for one condition to be added to the debate. 'To be fair', he said, 'neither side would be allowed to talk'. The Pope agreed. On the day of the big debate, Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed *three fingers*. Ah Pek looked back at him and raised *one finger*. The Pope *waved his fingers in a circle* around his head. Ah Pek *pointed to the ground* at where he sat. The Pope pulled out *a loaf and a glass of wine*. Ah Pek pulled out an *apple*. The Pope stood up and said, ""I give up. This man is too good in religious knowledge. The Chinese can stay."" An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, ""First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity."" He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. ""Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."" ""I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin."" ""He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"" Meanwhile, the Chinese community also crowded around Ah Pek and asked him what's happened in the debate. ""Well"", said Ah Pek, ""First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here. I raised my MIDDLE finger and asked him to fly kite, and that none of us was leaving."" ""Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here."" ""Yes, and then?"", asked the crowd. ""I don't know."", said Ah Pek, ""He took out his *lunch*, so I took out mine.""" +25409,1,Does anyone else ever suddenly get all existential and acutely aware of their own self-awareness and that other people around you have their own consciousness? Just making sure it's not just me. +25410,3,What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey +25411,0,"A Trip to China On a vacation to China an American tourist is very sexually promiscuous and neglects to use a condom. On his arrival home he wakes up to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and comes to the conclusion that there is no known cure and his penis will have to be amputated. The man is shocked at the thought of loosing his penis and before committing to the operation looks to seek a second opinion. After stressing the severity of the situation the Doctor informs the man that he has scheduled an operation in two days time, allowing for the man to seek a second opinion. The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The guy pleads with the Chinese doctor for help: “Dhat we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican doctor, always want to operate. No need to opelate!” “Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies. “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “you no worry! Thats going to fall off by itself!”" +25412,3,What's the queen's favourite type of weather? Reign. +25413,2,Baby skin isn't as soft as they say it is. Or maybe my rug is fake... (Repost but haven't seen it in awhile!) +25414,2,Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type His blood type was a B+ +25415,2,How does a woman with breast implants sing? With a false set-o +25416,0,I tried commiting suicide today. Never doing that shit again. I almost killed myself +25417,0,"So you think your Christmas gift was bad? I got a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav It keeps telling me to ""turn around"" and every now and then it falls apart..." +25418,0,How did the java programmer's son get rich? Because of inheritance. +25419,0,What's British and comes in a Japanese box? John Lennon +25420,3,"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken. ""Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"" ""I would, but I need the eggs.""" +25421,0,"Despite it getting colder, Starbucks doesn't sell as much hot coffee this time of year It's because in no-nut November, nobody orders fappucinos." +25422,5,"Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance? Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: ""I want you guys to be really sad when I die.""" +25423,1,"If North Korea ever made propaganda rap, it would be K-RAP The name is self-explanatory " +25424,2,"Did you hear the one.... Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son if you masterbate too much you'll go blind. The son looks at his dad and says, ""Dad I'm over here!""" +25425,0,The first time I had sex was very frightening It was dark and I was all alone +25426,0,"I'm a potter, so I claymore.... ....I think I really kilt it with that one." +25427,2,Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on? Blue's Cruise +25428,1,"5 men and 1 woman are shipwrecked... ...on a deserted island. Food and water is aplenty so with nothing else to do they resort to sex as the only recreation. After a month of constant sex the woman says: ""I've had enough of this"" and kills herself. After another month the men decide: ""Enough of this necrophilia"" and bury the woman. Another month passes and men decide: ""Enough of this sodomy"" and dig up the woman..." +25429,2,"Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry? I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess. What about the house? would you sell it? No he says, I like our house. What about our bed, would you buy a new one? No I like our bed and would keep it. Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs? Would you let your new wife use them? No way he says, she's left handed." +25430,0,"God, why do people cite works of fiction as evidence in arguments? Wait, sorry, just answered my own question." +25431,0,What is assholes favorite sport Ten ass +25432,0,Two men walked into a bar. The third man ducked. +25433,0,Sex ed. It's the in thing. +25434,2,"Heaviest Lunch This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago. When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got tired of eating that, so one day he snuck into the classroom early and swapped his lunch with the heaviest lunch bag he could find. When lunch time came, he grabbed his new lunch and sat down at the table to eat it. He opened the bag only to find two pecans and a ball peen hammer! " +25435,3,Why do old people always go to church? Studying for finals +25436,3,"A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up I said, “Sure, 70.”" +25437,3,I wish I was bisexual I'd have twice as many people to reject me. +25438,0,"My friend, T, accused me of touching her donkey's newborn inappropriately I said ""I was just gonna pet her ass, T""" +25439,2,"Dont you just hate people who take drugs?? ..cops, customs etc..." +25440,3,"Professor gives a final to all 800 of his students in Psych 101 As time draws near, all the students are clearly stressed out, desperately trying to answer all the questions except one. The professor counts down the last 10 seconds on his watch and calls out to the hall, ""Time is up, pencils down, pass your exams up to the front."" All the students put down their pencils and pass their exams to the front, except one. As the other students file out of the hall, the professor notices one student still working on his exam. He says nothing and begins to stack up the other 799 exams. 5 minutes pass and the lone student is still working on his exam. The student finally puts down his pencil and walks to the front of the room. The professor looks at the student and says, ""I cannot accept your exam because you didn't stop when the exam was over. I'm sorry."" The professor goes back to stacking up the exams. The student clears his throat and says quietly, ""Sir, do you know who I am?"". The professor, expecting the student to explain how rich and influential his father is, is quite angry. ""I do not know who you are, nor do I care. I do not make exceptions for anyone."" The student smiles and walks over to the unsorted exams, places his exam on the pile and proceeds to shuffle the exams and walks out." +25441,0,"How did Hitler sneeze? ""A jew!""" +25442,0,If you get your dream catcher wet ... ... does it become a wet dream catcher? +25443,1,"Today I had German Toast for breakfast. It’s like French Toast, but the white bread is more pure." +25444,0,My opinion on Game of Thrones is changing every day. It Varys +25445,1,"Walking a trail, I hear the tell-tale sound of a rattlesnake, and stand stiff as I stare it down and remember the words of my old scout master, ""Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."" Considering only one of us pissed themselves, I'd say he's wrong." +25446,0,The key to a perfect suicide is not in the practice. It is in the execution. +25447,2,What do you call an obese psychic? A four-chin teller. +25448,0,"Five year old Little Johnny was lost. so he went up to a policeman and said, ""I've lost my dad!"" The policeman said, ""What's he like?"" Little Johnny replied, ""Beard and blonde!""" +25449,4,How do you kill an introvert? You put a stranger in his kitchen to starve him to death. +25450,1,Did you hear about the cheap farmer that let a town starve? He didn't give a crop +25451,0,Why do anarchists hate borders? Because they got rid of all of their rulers. +25452,0,You know what really hurts me inside? Internal bleeding +25453,3,If it wasn't for venetian blinds.... It'd be curtains for all of us. +25454,4,How was copper wire created? Two Jews found the same penny. +25455,4,"I always get told off when introducing my wife... Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate." +25456,0,"Let me tell you the story of brian...he stutters So brian stutters here and there right? no big deal. Everyone in his life was very supportive of him, but this fine day something was different. It was a sunny saturday morning and brian decided he'd take a walk. Back to his favorite bridge up to the mountain. You should've seen the view! And as he was standing there on this bridge, his legs a bit shaky from the long walk, a stranger was coming down from the mountain. As he approached he greeted brian with a friendly: ""g-g-good morning!"". The stranger was a stutterer aswell. But brian thought otherwise. He thought he was being mocked by this stranger! He started shouting and didnt believe the stranger. He got so furious that he grabbed the stranger and threw him right over the bridge. As the stranger fell he shouted one last: ""he-he-help me!"". To which brian responded: ""Persistent Douche!"". " +25457,0,My girlfriend is like the square root of 100 She's ten +25458,2,"The Chinese Workman An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has many conversations with people looking for a group of skilled men he can trust. He eventually hires a massive Englishman strong enough to move rocks and dirt quicker than any other man. He also hires an Irishman skilled with explosives. Lastly, he hires a Chinaman who has connections throughout town and can get anything they need. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to remove any debris in the way. The Irishman is to carefully blow holes to reach the gold. And finally, the Chinaman is in charge of the supplies. The boss arrives at the site the next day and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''Have you finished the work already?'' he asks. The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't bring them any wheelbarrows, axes, or explosives. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman. They tell him they thought they saw him hanging around the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, ""SUPPLIES!""" +25459,6,"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ""Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ""Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."" I don’t care if people take offence to this. (Edited so I don’t sound Canadian)" +25460,2,What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Senator +25461,5,"I've got a pretty long Police record.... It's a full 44 minutes long and contains ""Every Breath You Take"" " +25462,4,"Never judge too Quickly A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, ""Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?""" +25463,1,Why does Nancy suck at foot races? Her boots are made for walking +25464,0,"Fart joke Her Majesty the Queen is entertaining Mr Trump on his first state visit to Britain. She treats him to a drive around Windsor Great Park in a horse-drawn gold carriage. Half way round one of the horses lets out a ripping great fart and almost immediately there is a dreadful manure smell. The Queen immediately says ""Sorry about that Mr Trump"". Trump replies ""that's OK Ma'am, until you said that I had assumed it was one of the horses." +25465,0,"A feminist is seen bathing on the beach Oh wait, just a beached whale" +25466,2,"Husband and wife go for dinner. A husband and wife have been married for 15 years, and most of the passion has left their marriage. So, they decide to go out for an anniversary dinner to hopefully reconnect. While the husband is looking at the menu he hears his wife say, ""Oh, I love you so much. I cant stand being apart from you. Please, don't ever leave me."" Husband is a bit surprised, and also a bit heartened by these words. He asks, ""Is this you talking, or the wine talking?"" Wife answers, ""This is me talking, to the wine."" " +25467,2,"Christian lady living next door to a construction site got tired of hearing the constant cursing from the on site workers. So she decided one day to pack a lunch and go eat with them while trying to get some religion into the loud, lewd men. Once most of the men had gathered under a shade tree, she walked over with her little brown bag and asked ""Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?"" They looked around at each other, and one stood and yelled up at the roofers still on the roof ""Do you guys know Jesus Christ?"", ""Why?"" one roofer yelled back down. The man on the ground yelled back ""His wife's down here with his lunch"" ." +25468,2,A toothless beaver walks into a bar and asks... Is the bar tender here? +25469,0,"A barber called boy passing from the marketplace into his shop. ""This kid is so stupid"", he added, whispering to his customer ""check this out."" He held a quarter in one hand and a dollar in another and asked the kid to pick one. The kid took the quarter without hesitation and then left the shop. The barber kept on laughing at the stupidity of the kid in his shop and in front of the customer. As the customer left, he saw the boy eating ice-cream and asked, ""Why didn't you pick the quarter?"" The boy replied,""Why tf would I pick the dollar once? I get a quarter everyday."" Edit: Posted incomplete joke by accident." +25470,1,"Two guys are playing chess. Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says: ""I am waiting for your move."" The other guy replies, angrily: ""Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"" " +25471,6,I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting... I wonder what she's up to now? +25472,1,So three guys walk into a bar The fourth guy saw it coming and ducked. +25473,2,"Infantry Vs Special Forces A Special Forces A-team and a group of Infantry Officers take a train to a conference. Each Infantry Officer holds a ticket. But the entire A-team has only one ticket for a single passenger. The Infantry Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant SF guys will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the SF guys calls out: ""The conductor is coming! At once, the entire team jumps up and squeezes into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Infantry Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: ""Ticket, please!"" A single ticket emerges from under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Infantry Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for their entire group but they are baffled as they realize that SF guys didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the A-team guys announces again: ""The conductor is coming!"" Immediately all the Infantry Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the SF guys leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Infantry Officers and says: ""Ticket, please"". Moral: Infantry Officers like to use the methods of Special Forces, but they don't really understand them." +25474,1,"I was on an airplane yesterday when the gorgeous flight attendant asked me, ""Would you like some headphones?"" I replied, ""Yes please and how did you know my name is phones!?""" +25475,0,"We all know about mohawks, but what was the most popular facial hair style for native Americans? A pachy beard" +25476,2,"Arrested 2 kids The police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off." +25477,0,What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot. +25478,2,My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway.... We're signing the divorce papers right now. +25479,1,NASA sends out a probe to Uranus Geeks around the world giggle. +25480,2,What kind of sex are molecules into? Bondage. +25481,1,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock +25482,0,The Truth About Puppies Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. +25483,2,I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday. This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah. +25484,0,Some glass shattered and the shards injured my donkey. It was a real pane in the ass to get him healed. +25485,3,"A family walks into a hotel The dad says to the clerk, ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The clerk responds with, ""No, it's just normal porn you sicko.""" +25486,0,I can't figure out how you were able to get twice as many boats to fit in the marina... It's a paradox. +25487,0,"Hey guys of reddit, dont you hate it when you're blowing a guy And he turns out to be a faggot?" +25488,0,"Two catholic sisters rode bicycles through rough roads of Rome... One turns to the other and says, ""I've never come this way before"". The other nun says, ""It's the cobblestones""." +25489,1,What did gay Jesus say to the romans? Your father nailed me harder last night. +25490,2,"I got a text from my wife saying ""Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"" Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels." +25491,0,"What do you call Harvey Weinstein, when he gets lazy. A casting couch potato. " +25492,1,How many parents does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just yell at the bulb for being disrespectful. +25493,6,"You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar. They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home. First guy says, ""I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."" Second guy said, ""I idle a half block away, coast all the way home. I take off my shoes before I walk inside. I creep up the stairs and slink into bed but she is still there, waiting and as much as I do and starts yelling."" Third guy says,"" You're doing it wrong. I squeal my tires all the way into the driveway. I stomp to the front door, slam it closed, run up the stairs, slap my wife on the ass and yell, ""who wants this?"" and she is asleep every time. """ +25494,0,FedEx? You mean Federal Explosion. +25495,0,"Two jellyfish walk into a bar The bartender looks at them, pours two shots, slams them down, and says, ""cni-dare-ya.""" +25496,0,Life is like a box of chocolates No one likes the dark ones +25497,0,The sad story of a homeless Genie He lost his bottle +25498,0,"There are many questions still to be answered concerning Mexican Andy Ruiz Jr's shock win over Anthony Joshua at Madison Square Garden last night. The main one being, how did Ruiz manage to get over the wall?" +25499,1,What’s the difference between a lesbian in a porno and a real life one? About 8 stone +25500,4,What's Forest Gumps password? 1FORREST1 +25501,2,I gave my wife an orgasm this morning :) Ungrateful bitch spit it out. +25502,1,I hate it when people leave the door open... It leaves me pretty unhinged +25503,0,"I spent my summer working at a dog shelter Some would say my summer was ""bitchin""" +25504,0,"who is better boy or girl Girl: ""Girls are better than boys."" Boy: ""Then why did God make boys first?"" Girl: ""Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy.""" +25505,0,How do you choke a predatory bird? Give them a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. +25506,1,What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music +25507,1,"How we were born? A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys, then we evolved to become what we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”" +25508,2,Why all women are so bad at parking?? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives! +25509,0,Why did silly Billy put his bed by the fireplace? Cuz he wanted to sleep like a log. +25510,0,How do you spell Canada? C Eh N Eh D Eh. +25511,6,Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot. +25512,2,Why was the baby smoking? Because it was on fire. +25513,3,"A Mexican magician said he could disappear in three seconds. So he counted, uno, dos, and then he was gone He disappeared without a tres" +25514,4,All my life i thought air was free Until i bought a bag of chips +25515,2,I hate being Bipolar It's the best +25516,1,I have a really good joke about construction But I’m still working on it +25517,2,I told my son it's perfectly normal to masturbate in middle of the day I just wish the little bastard would knock before entering my room. +25518,3,I call my horse Mayo And sometimes mayonnaise. +25519,0,Do you know what it's called when you're out looking for Pokemon but keep sneezing? Peek-ah-choo +25520,1,"Three blonds are stranded on an island. One day, while walking on the beach, the three blonds find an old oil lamp. One blind tries to clean it off and out pops a genie. ""Thank you for freeing me,"" the genie exclaims. ""In return for your kind deed, I shall grant you each one wish!"" The first blond says ""I wish I was smart enough to get off the island."" The genie waves his hand and she becomes a brunette. The newly made brunette runs into the surf and swims away. The second blond says ""I want to be even smarter, and get off the island!"" The genie waves his hand and she turns into a redhead who builds a raft and boats off the island. The third blond looks at the genie and says ""I'd like to be the smartest one of all, so that I can get off the island!"" The genie smiles and waves his hand, turning her into a man, who walks off on the bridge." +25521,2,"A man goes into a restaurant The man is having a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter: 'Come and taste this soup.' Waiter:'Is there something wrong with the soup?' Man:'Just taste the soup.' Waiter:'Is there something wrong with the soup, is it too hot?' Man:'Just taste the soup.' Waiter:'Is there something wrong with the soup, is it too cold?' Man:'Will you just taste the soup!' Waiter:'Alright I will taste the soup! Where is the spoon?!' Man:'Ahaaa, Ahaaa!'" +25522,1,What do you call a vegan who likes prog rock? Tom Soya +25523,2,"In the Jungle A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle and came upon two men. One was sitting in a tree, reading a book; and the other was on the ground pounding away at his laptop. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp." +25524,0,Old political on the USSR I have a hobby as many of you know of collecting stories and this one comes from the Russian people they have a clinical view of their government and a good sense of humor. So a man decides to get a car for his family and the car dealers tell him it will take seven years to which the man replied morning or evening to which the dealer replied in seven years will it really matter to which the man replied the plumber will be in the morning.-Reagan (I kinda butchered it see it on you tube for him saying it) +25525,0,"What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard." +25526,0,every single one of my 5 children is my pride and joy Well maybe you should swallow your pride. +25527,0,"PAul McCartney goes to the doctor As he steps in the doctor grabs his coat and the nurse takes his temperature it comes out to 88 degrees, she grabs a new thermometer and still he's 88 degrees, she goes to grab the doctor. Her and the doctor whisper worriedly as they look back at McCartney, the doctor then walks back to the man who's now concerned, and says ""sir, according to the thermometers you have severe hypothermia!"" Paul just scoffs and replies""you had me worried for a second!"" the doctor counfusedly asks why, and McCartney replies ""I'm always below 90 degrees... I'm the acute one""" +25528,1,"I met an old woman the other day who started telling me about her four sons. ""Their names are Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Jack."" ""Jack?"", I said. ""Why not Moe?"" She just looked at me grumpily. ""Cause I didn't want no Moe!""" +25529,0,"I can't believe you ""accidentally"" let it slip into her butt! Dick move, asshole." +25530,0,A drug addict is feeling a bit down. Is he high or low? +25531,1,"Today an obese friend reached a new level of happiness. He just realized that every cafe in town is an ""all you can eat"" place." +25532,0,"I went to a bar that only served beer in cans,and bottles. Seems the place had a draught excluder." +25533,2,"Son: I have an imaginary girlfriend. Son: I have an imaginary girlfriend. Dad: You know, you could do better? Son: Thanks Dad! Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend." +25534,0,Wintertime joke: Give man fire and he will stay warm until it’s fuel is consumed. Set a man on fire and he will stay warm his entire life. +25535,3,A man and his girlfriend are having a discussion about Bansky. Man: Have you heard about the painting from Bansky that shredded itself? This guy is truly amazing! Girlfriend: Guy? How do you know Bansky is not a woman? Man: A woman couldn't keep a secret for that long. +25536,1,"Opinions are like assholes. Some people like sticking there dicks in them, others don't." +25537,1,Jim you get a little racist when you're thirsty Have a Pepsi +25538,9,I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering... But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo” +25539,4,"As the vet removed the used condom from my dog's throat, I looked at her. ""This is awkward,"" I told her. ""Yes,"" she said. ""But...dogs do stick their heads into bins before, it's not unheard of."" ""That's right,"" I said. ""But they don't often give blowjobs."" " +25540,4,"My brother went to jail one day. He took it really badly. He refused all food and drink, and swore at everyone who tried to talk to him. He smeared his shit everywhere as a sign of protest. We never played monopoly with him ever again." +25541,2,I remember when two Asian girls tried flirting with me They asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it will be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right... we had six matching balls. +25542,1,How do you turn a stew into gold? Add 24 carrots. +25543,1,Who was the stretchiest man in the Bible? Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and walked up a mountain! +25544,1,"I told my friend, ""Someone tried to steal my Embarrassing Bodies trophy."" ""Bloody hell, you need eyes in the back of your head these days,"" he replied. I said, ""Just as well I do, then.""" +25545,3,I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee +25546,0,Why is Jesus sad? Because Jesus Cries. +25547,6,"When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady... Literally. He can’t catch. " +25548,0,What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke. +25549,0,"A lawyer who lost his left arm in an accident and exclaimed ""MY ROLEX!"" [SPOILER] A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. ""NOOO!"" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, ""MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"" ""You're a lawyer aren't you?"" asked the policeman. ""Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!"" the lawyer asked. ""HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?"" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, ""MY ROLEX!""" +25550,1,How do you make a bad egg joke? Just give it a crack... +25551,0,Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. +25552,0,"While packing up to move, I labeled the box with photos ""memories."" The porn collection in labeled ""mammaries.""" +25553,0,Your breath is so bad Your momma hung up the phone. ITT Reverse momma jokes +25554,0,"What are we gonna do tonight, Steve? The same thing we do every night, Donald. Try and take over the world!" +25555,4,"When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton 86% of the women in D.C. said ""not again.""" +25556,0,How would the Canadian Prime Minister go to the special place in hell? Trudoor +25557,0,What's the difference..... Between and suicide vest and a modern feminist? At least the vest achieves something when it's triggered. +25558,3,"Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life." +25559,6,My girlfriend says that having a small penis isn't an issue in our relationship.. I still wish she didn't have one though. +25560,0,"Three people survived a shipwreck on a island. As they awoke a tribe was standing around them. Just when a spear is about to kill one a survivor yells, “wait, give us a chance!” The chief walks over and helps them up, “ok, but you only get one chance. You must pass a single challenge.” Says the chief. The three look at eachother, and unanimously agreed. The chief points towards the jungle, “go pick a fruit and come back.” They all run off in a hurry, one returns before the others with an apple. With a smirk on his face the chief says, “shove it up your but, you wince and you fail and die.” Survivor 1 tries his best, but he fails and dies. Looking down from heaven he sees survivor 2 come back with grapes. And seconds later survivor 2 arrives in heaven next to him. Survivor 1 asks, “what happened, you were on your last grape?” Survivor 2 with a smirk on his face says, “I saw the last one of us running back with a pineapple.” Survivor 3 never shows up." +25561,0,"What is a man’s favorite word that begins with M and ends with Arriage? Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby." +25562,1,Men are born from between a women's legs and spend rest of their life to get back between them. Why? Because there's no place like home. +25563,0,"How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb Well, it only takes 1, but it takes quite a while, as they just sit there holding it while the world revolves around them." +25564,1,"Three men are talking Three men are talking, and they each mention how they think they have the smallest body parts in the world. One man says that he has the smallest head in the world. The second man says that he has the smallest feet in the world. The third man says that he has the smallest penis in the world. They all go to the Guiness World Records together. The first man goes in, gets his head measured and comes out with a grin on his face and says that he officially has the smallest head in the world. The second man goes to get his feet measured, and comes back with a smile on his face, and tell the other two that he is also now a world record holder. The third man goes in to get his penis measured. He comes back out and shouts ""who the fuck is this Donald Trump guy?""" +25565,4,"I treat my daughters with respect. I knocked on the youngest one's door and asked ""can I come in?"" ""I don't know, can you?"" I'm so proud." +25566,2,Why did the ghost die again? He had the boooobonic plauge +25567,1,"Have you seen the cast of the new movie ""A Quiet Place?"" Speechless." +25568,6,I used to think women were objects. But then it hit me. +25569,3,"A Mexican magician stands before his audience. “And for my last trick. I will disappear on the count of 3... Uno. Dos.” *Poof* and the magician vanished, without a tres. " +25570,0,"I was coming home from work I go to open my door, to much my dismay, on my very own couch even, three trees are just going at it smashing hard boy, a palm tree, an oak, and a coconut tree, they were having a treesome I’m sure you can guess which one got to nut." +25571,0,Why is abortion illegal in China? To control the youth in Asia +25572,1,What do you call a rapper that delays his concert? Postpone Malone. +25573,5,Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away? Seems a little far fetched to me. +25574,2,"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... Give a fish a man, and you don't gotta worry about him squealing to the Feds." +25575,6,"Say what you will against pedophiles, but at least... they drive slowly in school zones." +25576,1,What do you call a potato that has sex every single night? A French fry. +25577,1,"A guy arrives at the library with slamming doors. Once he’s in, he yells: “I’D LIKE A BIG MAC WITH FRIES AND A LARGE COKE!” The woman at the desk, who’s utterly flabbergasted, says: “Sir, this is a library!” Guy: *whispers* “Oh sorry, I’d like a big mac with fries and coke, please...” " +25578,0,My girlfriend says she's into recycling. She said that but you should have seen her face when I tried to use a used condom. +25579,3,"A man walks into a small diner, carrying a huge cat under his arm... he puts down the cat and orders twenty hamburgers and ten bottles of beer. He recieves the hamburgers, feeding them to the cat, which swallows them within a few minutes, then he downs all the beer, not even flinching once, puts his hand in his pocket taking out a large ammount of money and slamming it on the table. As he picks up the cat and turns around to leave, the owner of the restaurant asks: ""Wait, please tell us the interesting story behind all those strange things we have wittnessed just now!"" The man turns back again. ""See, some time ago i found a magic bottle with a djinn inside."" ""For releasing him he granted me three wishes, so i wished to never agin be short on money, I just have to look inside my pockets and I will always have just the right ammount of money on me."" My 2nd wish was never ever having to suffer from the ill effects of alcohol, now I can drink as much as I want and Ill never have a hangover or get drunk out of my mind!"" ""But why did you wish for a cat that can eat twenty hamburgers?"" ""Oh that, the djinn got that wrong cause I asked him for an insatiable pussy!"" " +25580,2,A Redditor went to a bar Haha I’m just kidding we all are introverts who can’t socialize let’s be honest +25581,1,"Little Johnny Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ""Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."" Little Johnny replied, ""My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."" The man asked,""Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"" Little Johnny answered, ""No, he minded his own f**king business!""" +25582,4,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off +25583,1,A professional limbo player walked into a bar He was disqualified +25584,1,"If the bullying and violence in the school is really getting to you and you don’t want to go back... ...after the summer break, have a word with your parents and try finding another job away from teaching." +25585,3,"A german joke in english Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions: cop: name? Otto: Otto cop: address? Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin cop: Occupation? Otto: no, just visiting..." +25586,0,If I had all the money in the world to do whatever I wanted I'd be the next US president +25587,4,What's the best thing about summer in the U.S.? No school shootings for two months! +25588,1,"Two Guys in a Jail cell There's two guys in a cell and the one the guys says to the other : Man 1 : since we in here fo life, me and you gonna get married. But I'm nice... I'll let you decide if you wanna be the husband or the wife . Man 2: ""The husband of course"" Man 1: ""Then why don't you come here and suck your wife's dick." +25589,0,"Roman: So I was nailing this dude... Friend: I didn't know you were gay, Jesus Christ! Roman: Yup that's his name! " +25590,1,What is the name of the Soviet flag carrier airline? USSAir +25591,1,What did Epstein say when bill Clinton didn’t high give him back? “Don’t have me hanging!” +25592,0,"I was walking down the street when I came across a particularly dirty looking homeless man I took out my wallet, extracted $10, and asked ""if I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"" ""No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"" the homeless man replied. ""Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?"" I asked. ""No, I don't waste time fishing,"" the homeless man said.. ""I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."" ""Will you spend this on hunting equipment?"" I asked. ""Are you NUTS!"" Replied the homeless man. ""I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"" ""Well,"" I said, ""I'm not going to give you money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."" The homeless man was astounded. ""Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"" I replied, ""Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, and hunting.""" +25593,0,"Donald Trump is stepping down... Multiple sources have confirmed that President Donald Trump plans to step down from his office as President of the United States effective at noon on Monday, January 20, 2025." +25594,6,"Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, ""Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"" Johnny grins and says, ""Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!" +25595,3,What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I have never had a garbanzo bean on my chest +25596,1,"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? ""Breathe, you idiot, breathe!""" +25597,0,What do you call a drummer who has lost one of his drumsticks? A conductor. +25598,1,"Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me. Thank you mosquitoes!!!" +25599,0,If you where the son of the navigator of the uss enterprise. you would be the son of a whorea +25600,2,"Short clean joke I was at a party and there was a Russian DJ, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too." +25601,0,Finally figured out the theme to Macbeth. Witches be trifling +25602,1,Why do people use fire during new year Because fireworks +25603,1,Why did Spiderman start using guns? He ran out of good punchlines +25604,3,Commas matter Let's listen to the doors. Vs. Let's listen to the commadoors +25605,2,"A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist... are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: ""The measurement wasn't accurate."". The Biologist: ""They have reproduced"". The Mathematician: ""If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."" " +25606,2,India sends a cat to Mars In a few years India will send a cat to Mars to check out if it is possible to survive in that environment. After some adaptation the cat starts roaming around on Mars. All is well until one fine day suddenly the cat is mashed under a vehicle of sorts. Everyone is wondering what happened. Then they realise that... . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... .......... Curiosity killed the cat. +25607,2,I made a new app for Muslim wrestlers. iSlam +25608,0,It's opposite day. Or is it? +25609,1,Ever heard of the Mexican that was told to turn in his essay ? He didn’t cause he ain’t no snitch +25610,0,"Three ghosts met on their way to hell and started discussing how they each had the most peculiar death... The first ghost goes, “As I opened the door to my apartment, I heard noises in my bedroom. I detected signs of burglary; drawers and cabinets were opened, and valuables were obviously missing. I held gun in my hand and carefully went into the bedroom, but the burglar wasn’t there. I searched under the bed and in the closet, but then I saw the French window to the balcony slightly opened, so I went out and looked down the balcony and saw this guy climbing down the balconies a few floors down. I could’ve shot him with my pistol, but no, he ain’t getting away that easily. I had a sudden rush of adrenaline and lifted up an old fridge on the side and threw it down. I was too excited and had a sudden heart attack. So here I am.” The second ghost goes, “I was in my lover’s bed when her husband came home. I panicked and started to climb down the balcony. Before I reached the ground, something huge fell on me. So here I am.” The third ghost goes, “I stole something from a rich guy’s apartment when he suddenly came home. I had nowhere to hide but saw an old fridge on the balcony. I hid in it, and a few moments later, here I am.”" +25611,1,"My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s... Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes." +25612,5,"A blond is starting in 2nd grade On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: ""Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"" ""No, honey"", said the mother, ""It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the other kids."" The next day she comes home and screams ""Mom! Mom! Today we had Math and I was the only one who was able to do multiplication and division!! Is it because I am a blonde?"" ""No, honey"", said the mother, ""It is simply because are more brilliant and intelligent than the rest of your class."" On the third day she returned from school shouting ""Mom! Mom! Today we had PE and I was the only girl to wear a bra! Is it because I am a blonde?"" ""No, honey"", said the mother, ""It is simply because you are 27 years old.""" +25613,1,"A boy asks his father ""Dad, are bugs good to eat?"" ""That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner,"" the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, ""Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"" ""Oh, nothing,"" the boy says. ""There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."" " +25614,1,"Devil and God The one true God and the last incarnation of the Devil were having a cup of tea and talking about the end of evolution. God: Wisest soul, youngest heart. Did you foresee this ending? Devil: Oldest soul, smartest spirit. I can honestly say I did not. You tempted them to the path of love and I, the path of evil. I honestly thought one of us would win. How did we both end up losing? God: The numbers were horrifying. After seeing all those zeroes I was absolutely certain that Hell would over power Heaven by getting everyone addicted, but, during the final days of the end of evolution it became clear that things would be decided by the last vote. The legendary words uttered by the biblical atheist brought doom upon us just as nature prophesied. Devil: Say old friend, could you say his words for me in your voice. I want to hear it from you. I'll let you have a date with Hell herself for entertaining me. God: I would rather you sing me a song. Devil: Done. After taking a moment to contain his hysterical laughter that would have taken him exactly one eternity to calm down, God looked Devil in the eyes and spoke the words of the last human who was given the choice every human before him was offered: 'Eternal grace or endless style'. God spoke in his voice of endless harmony. God: ""So, you're asking me if I want to be Ultra Holy Saint or a Psychosociopath. Would a lion eat grass? It would not. Would a deer eat meat? It would not. There is absolutely one thing a human cannot do. A human cannot accept defeat. This is clearly a game between two. Neither of these options have humanity in them. I forfeit my vote."" Devil stopped his heart for a moment before having an epiphany. Devil: I just thought of a joke. God: Pray, do tell. Devil: Man asked woman: ""What am I without you?"" She said: ""A cigarette without a lighter to light it."" He laughed and asked: ""Then tell me what are you without me?"" She said: ""A lighter that has nothing to burn."" God: That was a terrible joke, dear friend. Devil: You didn't get it. God: Pray, do explain. Devil: A cigarette can be lit by a match stick and the purpose of a lighter is not burning things. Its purpose is to create a flame. God: The point? Devil: You really can't win against an atheist." +25615,1,What's the difference between your mother and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when I slap it +25616,1,"What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ? ""Long time no see !""" +25617,1,Black Sabbath accused Dio of sneaking into the studio at night and messing with the mix That seems a little paranoid +25618,2,What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the back yard? Shoot her again +25619,1,"The average person has sex 89 times a year Fuck, this is gonna be one hell of a weekend." +25620,2,what does Voldemort call his prostitutes Whorecruxes +25621,3,The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes? One is a bunch of cunning little runts... +25622,0,Quickly now! Time is of the essence! Me: In that case I should probably take my time now. +25623,2,Who’s the nicest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy +25624,2,"What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse. (Credit: Billy Connolly)" +25625,3,"A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat. - So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself? - Yes. - Me too? - Of course. - And how much do you think I would cost? - 500 francs. - What?! Only 500 francs?! - Here you go - you've already started to negotiate." +25626,2,Why doesn’t Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year and it’s down a chimney. +25627,1,They say beautiful girls are found in every corner of the earth But the earth is sphere +25628,0,What did the grilled Seabass say at the Nuremberg trials? I was only following hors d'oeuvres. +25629,2,"A guy and his girlfriend are watching Dr. Phil... Dr. Phil says to the audience, ""Sometimes you say things that heal, and sometimes you say things that hurt. And sometimes you can say things that make somebody happy and sad at the same time..."" The boyfriend scoffs. ""What a bunch of bullshit! You can't say one thing to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time!"" The girlfriend is quiet for a moment, then she tells him, ""Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.""" +25630,0,What is the formula for making friends? Squadratic Formula +25631,2,"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read." +25632,0,"Steph Curry, Donald Trump, a schoolboy, and the Pope are on an airplane. The airplane was about to crash, but there were only 3 parachutes. Steph Curry said, ""I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st parachute and left the plane. Donald Trump said, ""I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the plane. The Pope said to the schoolboy, ""My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."" The schoolboy took the 3rd pack and jumped out of the plane. The Pope realized that the schoolboy had not, in fact, taken a parachute after all, and took the last parachute and jumped out of the plane." +25633,1,"When it comes to getting lost at sea, I’m in a league of my own." +25634,2,"A guy sits down in Reddit and asks for a joke. ""Sorry,"" says the waitress, ""but the guy next to you got the last one."" The guy looks at the man next to him and says ""are you gonna read that?"" ""No,"" says the other man, so our hero takes the joke and begins reading it. After he got halfway through, he reposted it. ""Yeah,"" said the other man, ""that's about as far as I got too.""" +25635,0,Which of Santa's reindeer have to mind their manners the most? Rude-olph +25636,1,Why was Jesus not born in Italy? God couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin. :: I’m Italian American I just heard this on my recent trip +25637,5,All jokes Assad things are getting Syrias +25638,2,Why didn't Romans use clippers to cut their hair? They prefer Caesars +25639,0,"Ever heard of the Nazi that fell down the stairs? Don't worry, he's alt right now." +25640,4,"My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking Thinking the accusations as ridiculous, I asked: ""Baste on what?""" +25641,0,My new girlfriend from Thailand says that having a small penis is not that bad. I would rather prefer her to have none at all. +25642,0,Holly... How much does Holly cost? +25643,7,My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again +25644,1,"So my dirty gay brother got caught sucking a dolphin last night. He's a pinball champion, he earns thousands in sponsorship deals, so I was astonished. I asked him why he did it. He said his extra ball got jammed in the wrong flipper." +25645,1,I don’t like going to church It’s a little preachy. +25646,3,Yo mama so pretty ... I think you must've been adopted. +25647,2,"A man is rushed into the hospital after an accident. “Doctor, Doctor! I’ve broken my arm in several places."" The Doctor examines the patient's arm, and after a few moments of staring with intensity, he looked at the patient. Doctor: “lol, well don’t go to those places.”" +25648,2,Don’t argue with the logic of a sonogram technician It’s ultrasound +25649,1,What do you say when you call out to Gold? Hey you! +25650,0,"Doctor, I broke my leg! ""Why the Hell did you do that?""" +25651,2,I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free +25652,0,Cypress Hill to release a new song about the senator who returned to Senate vote on the health care bill today Insane In The McCain +25653,3,"Lucky Frog A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ""Ribbit. 9 Iron"" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. ""Ribbit. 9 Iron."" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it right into the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ""Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"" The frog reply's ""Ribbit. Lucky frog."" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. ""What do you think frog?"" the man asks. ""Ribbit. 3 wood."" The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, ""OK where to next?"" The frog reply, ""Ribbit. Las Vegas."" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, ""OK frog, now what?"" The frog says, ""Ribbit. Roulette."" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, ""What do you think I should bet?"" The frog replies, ""Ribbit. $3000,black 6."" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, ""Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."" The frog replies, ""Ribbit, Kiss Me."" He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. ""And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.""" +25654,0,What do West Virginians do on Halloween? Pumpkin! +25655,3,What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection A quarter pounder with cheese +25656,4,"There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, ""Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."" ""No, it's not that,"" the man replies, wiping his tears. ""Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept & was late to my office. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building and went parking area to find my car, it was stolen. The police said they can not do anything. Distraught and broken, I fetch a cab to go home, I realised I had forgotten my wallet. The cab driver just drove away. I walk to my home and as I go inside I saw my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home, came to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison. " +25657,1,"A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack ""Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife"" ""And that?"" ""Kitchen gun""" +25658,1,Did you ever hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra Yea they couldn't close his casket +25659,0,"I got a call from my own number Throughout the entire call, I refused to believe it wasn't myself from the future. I had turned into an old Indian man." +25660,0,"Doctor I've been given 2 weeks to live and I need a second opinion. Doctor: 'OK son, you're gonna have to stop masturbating.' Man: 'Why?' Doctor: 'Because I'm talking to you....' " +25661,1,What do you call a dachshund-chihuahua mix? A Beaner-Weiner +25662,5,"A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future. The fortune teller says: ""Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."" ""I already know that,"" replies the man, ""what I need to know is whether I will be arrested...""" +25663,1,"You don't get many jokes about white sugar but jokes about brown sugar, well.. Demarara." +25664,2,What do you call four Mexicans trapped in quicksand? Quatro Sinko +25665,2,"What's the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut? Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin'" +25666,2,"Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket." +25667,5,What do you call a woman who can't draw? Tracy +25668,1,"A guy was talking to a girl and after chatting her up for a bit, he asked her""Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"" The girl agrees that for a million dollars, she would sleep with him. Then the guy ask "" would you sleep with me for $5"" "" What kind of girl do you think I am!"" She shouts back, clearly disgusted of his offer. "" Well"" the guy says "" we already discovered that now we're just negotiating a price"" " +25669,0,How do you turn a pistol into a shotgun? Put a bullet through the side of it. +25670,2,The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space. +25671,1,If I had a penny for every time somebody said I was materialistic... I'd probably be able to afford some Gucci socks. +25672,2,The doctor said that my friend had 5 months to live I worked hard with him and proved the doctor wrong. My friend died in 3 days +25673,3,Being a picture is like being a gay man in middle east First you're framed then you're hanged almost immediately +25674,1,"I'm an adult, and am 5 feet 1 inches Sounds bad, but made worse by the fact that they are two measurements." +25675,0,Whats a Mexican gangsters favorite brand of pants? Dickies. They love the way they feel on their ass. +25676,5,"What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang a picture." +25677,0,I would rather people just stop thinking about me... ... especially when they want to get something done. +25678,0,What do you call Japanese Nationalism? Nintendo Power +25679,4,"100 ways to please your man My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.” I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest bloke ever. She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?” I said, “Pack your bags and fcuk off.”" +25680,2,"An alcoholic goes into a bar And sees a sign ""All you can drink: $30"". Tells the bartender ""I'll take two""." +25681,0,Why was the mushroom laughing so much? Because he is a fun guy! +25682,2,7 days without beer... makes 1 weak. +25683,0,"I talked myself out of a ticket for shoplifting Microsoft Office. What can I say, I got away with word" +25684,2,"My friend asked ""What Rhymes With Orange"" ""No it doesn't"" I said" +25685,0,What do you call a black man with no arms or legs? TRUSTWORTHY! 😆 +25686,5,"Nudist Retirement Village A very wealthy man had retired and was looking into some posh retirement villages. One in particular had a reputation as being the best on earth, so he went over to check it out. The sales team showed him the brochure, and indeed it looked like an incredible experience, but quite exclusive as well as extremely expensive. Since it was a nudist colony as well, they invited him to disrobe and wander the grounds to get the full immersive experience. He soon saw that it was indeed a tropical paradise on which no expense had been spared. As he wandered along an especially lush and fragrant jungle path, he came to a clearing where a beautiful stream tumbled over a small waterfall into a crystal clear pool in which cavorted a dozen or so young women of extraordinary beauty. Upon seeing them, he naturally developed some swelling in the nether regions. This was obvious to the ladies, who immediately hopped out of the pool and swarmed him, fellating him relentlessly in an orgy of ecstasy. Pleased and a bit overwhelmed, he continued his walk along the verdant trail. Suddenly, he tripped over a protruding root and fell down on his hands and knees. Equally suddenly and quite unwelcome, a young man jumped out from behind a nearby tree and proceeded to rape his upturned ass. As his assailant made good his escape into the concealing greenery, the man continued on his way as best he could, finally returning to the sales office. ""Well, what did you think of our facility?"" they asked him after he had dressed. He replied, ""I think I'm going to have to pass on this one, folks. You see, at my age, I get a hard-on about every four months, but I fall down two or three times a day.""" +25687,2,Why are priests always super fit? They exorcise a lot. +25688,0,What did the black boy get for Christmas? Your bike. +25689,8,Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back. +25690,2,What do you call a gigantic pile of kittens? A meown-tain +25691,4,"A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens... The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer. Needless to say the farmer is amazed. The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese. Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock... Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motionless on the ground with the vultures already drawing circles over him. The farmer gets closer and says ""Well, that's what you have brought to yourself..."" Then the cock says ""go away, they are about to land!"" (I don't know if this has been already submitted, so, sorry if it was) " +25692,0,What do you call an eight-hump camel? Grotesque +25693,0,What do you call a chocolate travelling at 100mph? A ferrari rocher. +25694,1,It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle. He just didn't have the balls to do it +25695,0,"A man is talking to his friend who has recently been diagnosed with cancer Not knowing what to say he awkwardly asks him ""how's the cancer?"" He replies ""I dunno it's kinda growing on me"" " +25696,5,People say I don't have friends They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD +25697,0,I Found a Wasp in my Alcoholic Root Beer You could say it's.. buzzed. +25698,2,"One morning over a breakfast, a man begins to think about death. He tells his wife, ""honey, when I die, please don't remarry. I can't stand the thought of some other asshole using my stuff."" She looks over her coffee and says, ""what makes you think I would marry another asshole?""" +25699,3,Marijuana and coffee is my favorite combination it's the reason ice mocha lot of weed. +25700,1,You guys want to hear a sausage pun? Nevermind they are the wurst +25701,0,Who was the Throat Cancer Patients Favorite Rapper? Trach +25702,1,How can you tell if an archaeologist is good? Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from. +25703,9,"I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…" +25704,3,My girlfriend and my computer have one thing in common They are not responding +25705,3,Why don't chickens tell their eggs any jokes? Coz it would crack them up. +25706,0,Guitar Hero was such a smash hit that the makers created... DJ Hero - for kids that are too lazy to learn fake guitar. +25707,3,What has hands but can't clap? Stephen Hawking +25708,2,"When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead? ""Because I couldn't find a fake car.""" +25709,0,"Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, ""He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something? No,"" replies the wife, ""he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie.""" +25710,1,My friend tied me to a tree with a rope and told he will give me 50$ if I escape I told him It's knot possible +25711,1,I don't know why America is so hesitant on recruiting women into the military They're better than men because they have smaller hitboxes. +25712,1,"I went to a zoo the other day, but the only thing I saw was a dog. It was a shitzu." +25713,0,What do you call a farmer with Tourette’s? E-I-E-I-OOOO! +25714,2,"Two muffins are put in an oven. The first muffin says, ""Man, are you hot or is it just me?"" The second muffin replies, ""This isn't the time for flirting, Dave.""" +25715,0,"I was going to mail a sandwich, when I noticed it already had stamps. Should I repost on this sub?" +25716,0,What does r/fitness and r/emo have in common? Both users are cutting. +25717,0,What do you call a lesbian theater actor? A lespian +25718,9,"Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: ""Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.""" +25719,4,Why do cops love going to Black Friday early? So they can beat the crowd +25720,2,Why are there no Chinese names in the phone book? Because there’s too many wings and too many wongs so you might wing the wong number. +25721,3,"Her: You really shouldn't be using a plastic bag.. Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment. Her: It's just a weird replacement for a Condom.." +25722,0,What's the difference between a bum and a crust punk Patches ;D +25723,2,"An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ... An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit suicide. He apporaches her and asks: \\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter? Tears in here eyes, she says: \\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby! To which Bruce replies: \\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \\- you're also a great sport! EDIT: sorry, can't do the Aussie accent, you'll have to look after that bit yourself." +25724,0,How can you tell if a women is getting old? Her lips touch the water when she's going to the toilet +25725,1,Somebody called me illiterate today What does that even mean? +25726,1,"Mark and John were in a movie teather when one of them see a bald guy. - Hey john. - Mark said - what do you give me if i go to that bald guy and slap his head? - You won't do that. I dare you, i'll give you a 100 bucks. So Mark walks up from his chair to the bald guy and give him a big fat loud slap on the back of his head and say: HEY MICHAEL! Long time no see man, how is your wife doing? The guy angrily turned towards Mark and yelled: What the fuck man, Im not Michael, What do you think you're doing?! So Mark goes back to John and says: I can go and slap his head again! And John said: I dare you dude, the guy got angry, hes gonna be mad. I'll give you another 100. So Mark went back and BAM, another big slap on the bald guy's head asking: Stop fucking around man, i know it's you Michael, how are the kids? You didnt show off last christmas! Give me a hug, i miss you! So the guy lost his mind and yelled: WHAT THE FUCK you freak! Get away from me you fucking bastard, what the hell is your problem you dickhead? - As he got up and changed his seat to the front line. So Mark goes back to John and says: What do you give me if I slap his head one more time? - And John says: Are you crazy man? The guy is MAD at you, hes gonna kill you! I'll give you 200 bucks! So Mark went to the front line and gave the biggest slap of his life and said: You won't believe me Michael, there'a a guy just like you seating here in the movie!" +25727,0,"My girlfriend and I were devastated after our recent horrible accident and thought our lives were over. But now that we've given it up for adoption, we feel much better." +25728,1,Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn't get his knob out the chicken +25729,2,Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. +25730,6,Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle? So that it'll fit inside the box. +25731,0,What do you call a fear of chainsaws? Common sense. +25732,1,"With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals. Now it doesn't even include your flight!" +25733,0,Who was the most well known Jewish cook? Hitler +25734,0,"A little poor white trash kid can't find his mother in the supermarket The store attendant says ""what does your mother look like?"" He replies: ""My dad""" +25735,2,Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles? Just squidding! +25736,0,"My foreign friend proposed a plan for our next move in expanding our business while having dinner in a restaurant Me:""What? Do you know HOW MUCH is at stake here?"" Friend: ""Wait, let me read menu..... how much $14 times 8?""" +25737,5,There was an explosion in a French cheese factory. All that was left was de brie. +25738,3,"What’s the difference between an insurgent and a civilian? I don’t know, I’m just the drone operator." +25739,1,What's the difference between the Justice League reshoots and unlocking all the heroes in Battlefront 2? One was only slightly cheaper than the other. +25740,0,Things to search for on Reddit Try again.. +25741,0,Parallel lines are so much alike. It's just too bad I've seen this joke reposted so many times to make the punchline. +25742,3,"I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside... I asked a worker, ""What's everyone here for?"" He said, ""That's the Barbie queue."" Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger..." +25743,1,Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies... +25744,5,How does the moon cut It's hair? Eclipse it. +25745,4,"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already... Woman: Did you just quote Eminem? Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!" +25746,0,Life is like a box of chocolates You never asked for it and half of it shit no one wants +25747,4,"What did the Redditor say to the yogurt maker? Ah, I see you're a man of culture." +25748,2,"Knock knock Friend A: Knock Knock Friend B: Who's there? Friend A: Control freak. Friend B: Con— Friend A: Okay, now you say ""Control freak who?""" +25749,0,Just finished doing stand up at a Hell's Angels bar. Tough crowd. +25750,1,Aussie bin man knocks on front door of China mans house as he can't find his bin. Aussie binman: gd day mate. Where's ya bin? China man: ah hello. I bin sleeping. Aussie bin man: na mate. Whes ya wheelie bin? China man: ah. Ok. I really been wankin. +25751,0,Everyone misses Harambe Except the bullet that hit him +25752,3,I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes It’s all about raisin awareness +25753,1,"Cardio B's attempt to register ""Okurrr"" as a trademark has been denied by the U.S. Patent Office. Luckily, she has a backup plan: ""Mediocrrre""." +25754,1,"Hey girl... If the amount of blood cells you have is the same as your phone number, how much blood cells would you have?" +25755,1,I like my coffee the way I like my women Cold and bitter +25756,0,Why was the sea salty? Because the land dint wave. +25757,1,Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It was stuck in the crack. +25758,5,What's the difference between Hitler and Keemstar? Hitler knew when to kill himself. Edit: Holy shit 200+ likes. +25759,0,Why can no one play chess with Micheal Jackson? Cause he is both Black and White. +25760,3,"A priest, a politician, a 4th grade teacher and all his students are on a plane. Suddenly both engines kick out and the plane is speeding towards the ground. Certain death is inevitable. The teacer starts screaming ""What about the children!"" The politician says ""You know what? Fuck the children!"" The priest says ""Do you think we have time?""" +25761,0,What does The Joker use to keep track of his candy bar expenses? Heath Ledger. +25762,0,"Where does Matthew McConaughey fall on the political spectrum? Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right" +25763,1,"When I bought this car, no one told me there would be three jews in the air conditioner High, Norm and Max" +25764,0,Why did the acid join the war? To end the Holocaustic. +25765,0,"I make a living carving balls from oak. People usually reply with: ""bollocks"" or ""carve mine!"" I don't even know why I posted this." +25766,2,"A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven. Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make. The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him with his choice. St. Peter says sure and calls up a cloud for him to ride through heaven. He floats around and sees streets of gold and people playing harps and hears voices singing. Definitely a nice place, but definitely boring. He returns and St. Peter points to a very long escalator which the salesman rides down. At the bottom of the escalator is a white sand beach, beautiful people playing volleyball, his favorite rock music and cater waiters everywhere providing food and drinks. As far as the eye could see, it was paradise. The salesman returns to St. Peter and states that while heaven was a very nice, serene place, hell was definitely the happening place where he wanted to be. St. Peter gives him a key card to the express elevator and wishes him the best. The elevator zooms to the bottom floor and the doors open to a blast of heat and the stench of sulfur. As he steps out, a beast leaps from behind a rock and begins chewing his leg. Barely able to crawl, the salesman looks up to see the devil himself and asks, “Where are the beaches and the beautiful people?” The devil chuckles and says, ""Really? You didn’t realize that was just a demo?""" +25767,0,"Man walks into a Pharmacy A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, ""Listen, I have two chicks coming over tonight. I've never had two chicks at the same time, and I want to go all night. The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small wooden box marked with a label, ""Extra strength Viagra,"" and says, ""here, if you take one of these you will horny and hard all night"" The guy say awesome, ""Gimme three pills!"" The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. His dick is all black and blue and raw with skin peeling off, The man says, ""I'm need some Ben Gay medication."" The pharmacist says, ""Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on your dick are you?"" ""Nope, it's for my arms ... those bitches didn't show up."" " +25768,1,"A Nazi walks into a bar and finds a guy called Kyle He sits down, and Kyle tells him 'I bet I can make that dude over there disappear'. The Nazi, after seeing the skull cap on the man, agrees but says 'I don't think it's goanna work'. Kyle ignores this, and waves his hands three times, then points dramatically at him. Nothing happens. He tries again, this time focusing even harder than before. Still nothing. The Nazi, getting tired of Kyle as he tried a third time and failed, stood up. 'One more try' said Kyle, visibly embarrassed. 'Ok, fine, but I think you're full of shit' replied the Nazi Kyle jump up and down around in circles around the man, to no avail, only garnering dirty looks. The Nazi, now totally sick of his shenanigans, raised his arm in exasperation and screamed 'SEE KYLE?'" +25769,0,Jokes about pacifism are funny Fite me. +25770,2,"I came here to tell you all a Muslim Joke, but decided against it... They always blow up in your face anyway..." +25771,0,"Who wins in a fight? Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton? Does Donald Trump get the media? No. He still wins. When reading thing about the SNL skit, about Chicago super fans and Mike Ditka" +25772,3,"A man shoots a duck from the sky... but the duck lands in his neighbor's backyard with whom he's always been on bad terms. When he walks over to pick up the duck, his neighbor comes out and says: ""This duck is in my backyard, therefore it is my duck."" But the man who shot the duck replies: ""That may be true, but I shot the duck. Thus, the duck is mine."" The neighbor then says: ""I'll offer you a deal: We play a game where we kick each other in the balls until one of us gives up. The winner gets the duck. Sounds fair?"" The shooter thinks to himself that this is probably his best chance of getting the duck, so he agrees. The neighbor then says: ""Alright, since the duck landed in my backyard, I'll start."" So the neighbor kicks the shooter as hard as he can in balls, leaving the shooter crawling on the ground for a good ten minutes. Once he gets up, still shaking from the pain, he says: ""Alright, now it's my turn."" But then the neighbor just says: ""Nah, I give up, I'm a vegetarian"" and walks away. " +25773,2,"A middle-aged man and little boy are walking through the forest at night The little boy turns to the man, and says ""Mister, this is creepy! I'm afraid!"" The man looks at him and laughs. ""You're afraid? I have to come back through here alone!""" +25774,0,I got a bad haircut and hated it But then it grew on me +25775,1,I want to start a drumming band. I think I'll call it the re-percussions. +25776,5,"What's a pirate's favourite letter? You'd think it would be ""R"" or ""C"", but it's actually ""P"", because without it, he'd be irate." +25777,1,Mike Tyson does one squat Then the next day at work he always ends up calling in thicc. +25778,0,I'm going to the dentist tomorrow but I'm a little worried. I've got more cavities than a girl in a gang bang movie. +25779,1,"Why are workers who cross a picket line called scabs? When you have a scab, you aren't supposed to pick it." +25780,1,"Why did the H2 bond with the O? Didn't mean to, it was an oxidant" +25781,5,Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. +25782,1,"Spooning with the GF this morning... and she says to me, ""Am I the little spoon?"" I said ""No, you're more like the cake tin."" Didn't go down well." +25783,1,What do you call a prostitute out in the freezing cold? A frostitute! +25784,0,What is the worst Israeli senior citizens resort? Jewrassic Park +25785,0,Why are pine trees always stoned ? They have to many cones +25786,3,"Is it Male or Female? FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ass. SPONGES : These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES : Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS : Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.. EGG TIMERS : Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS : Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL : Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying... " +25787,0,How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian +25788,7,Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes? You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it. +25789,0,Why do hippos only have sex under water? You try making a 15 lbs. vagina wet on land +25790,3,"simple rule Lady 1: ""Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"" Lady 2: ""I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."" " +25791,1,"Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea Wife: If your mom and I fell into the sea, who would you save? Husband: I would save my mother, then I'll come back and drown myself to be with you forever." +25792,0,"Why did You tell our daughter that Ali Aasim next door had run over and killed her Cat, when it actually was that little old Lady across the street? -Oh, I don't want her to grow up hating little old ladies." +25793,6,"It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... that sorta thing." +25794,5,What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls. +25795,2,"a man got caught by cannibals An adventurer was exploring the wild nature when he stumbles upon a closed of ancient tribe. They take the man prisoner and soon after they put him in to a large bucket. They fill it with water and then they light the fire beneath him. Then the head of the tribe steps forward and starts to talk the adventurer. HELLO, MY NAME IS BRODJA AND WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU. the adventerer is looking at him while he speaks WE WILL MAKE WITH YOUR FLESH A NICE SOUP AND WITH YOUR SKIN WE WILL MAKE A CANOE. BUT WE ARE NOT ALL BAD AND WE WILL GIVE YOU A FINAL WISH BEFORE THIS. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT? the adventurer is is looking around and then asks for a fork.. The tribe laughs and people say why would you need a fork haha, what an idiot haha The head of the tribe gives him a fork and as soon as he has it he begins stabbing himself everywhere! The tribe doesn't get it and it suddenly get's extremely still. Then the adventures says with a laughing tone: THAT CANOE IS GONNA BE WORTHLESS" +25796,1,"To the most amazing Physicist in the world, Richard... you are such a fine-man." +25797,0,"What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes ""Whack, crap!"", and a skydiver goes "" Crap, whack!""." +25798,1,What did the golden retriever say when his owner put him up for adoption? Big Woof +25799,5,"An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that ""In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"" The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inch of the paper, while loudly proclaiming that ""In Scotland, not only do we do our job thoroughly, but also efficiently"" The Irishman takes a piss, and walks right out while loudly proclaiming ""In Ireland, we don't piss on our fucking hands""" +25800,1,"Ole the Norwegian Insurance Salesman Ole, the smoothest Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty. Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said…""If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a mont, den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000! Now, Ole concluded,""Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”" +25801,4,Kids may be a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in. +25802,0,"My dad told me to stop masturbating or I'll go blind I said ""But daddy, I'm over here.""" +25803,0,I'm bedridden and I want to be an activist but I take everything lying down. +25804,3,"I can't stand Pilates because it's too much like sex. I sweat, muscles hurt, and then there's a woman yelling at me that I'm not doing it right. " +25805,0,"A man asked an American Indian for his wife's name... ""She is called Five Horses"" He replied. ""That's an unusual name, what does it mean?"" The Indian grimaced. ""Fucking....NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!""" +25806,0,"Thai virgin What did the Thai virgin say after her first blowjob? ""How did it taste?""" +25807,1,What do you call a girl who can run faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin. +25808,2,What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me. I’m going in! +25809,6,TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. Human almost never eat monkeys at all. +25810,1,What did the man with mercury poisoning say? It's 83 degrees Fahrenheit and 28 degrees Celsius. +25811,7,"My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work... ...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever." +25812,0,"After 10 years..... After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What’s up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid. Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had done stinky potty. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there. " +25813,2,What does a baby computer call his father? Data +25814,0,"What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? I actually care when my computer crashes and dies. Bonus PW joke.. You guys see that Disney movie starring Paul Walker? The one where he's riding around with wolf dogs? What's it called again? Eight Below?.... more like six below. God, forgive me. That was terrible. " +25815,1,"A tale of 2 Beggars Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, ""My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."" The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: ""Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldman brothers about marketing.""" +25816,0,"I love sitting down and just watching people, they do so many interesting things. Sometimes they even kill each other." +25817,0,What do you call the king of the ocean? A liter of water. +25818,1,"How much for the five-dick condom? ""Uh, sir, that's a glove." +25819,0,What did the British Soldiers say after Gandhi liberated India? “That sunbitch pulled a fast one on us” +25820,0,Why is Family Guys Quagmire called Quagmire? Because he gets *morass* than anyone else! +25821,0,What did the Jewish wizard do? He went up in smoke. +25822,5,"I can cut wood just by looking at it. No, it's true! I saw it with my own eyes!" +25823,2,I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said “Thank You”. I said “Don’t mention it”. +25824,2,Old monk There once was a very old monk that tended to break his bones when he fell down. He always walked barefooted everywhere he went so his feet were more callouses than soft skin. No one talked to him very long because his breath was so bad it could wilt flowers. They called him Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-cursed-with-halitosis +25825,0,"As a shrewd negotiator, Trump will convince the President of Mexico to build and pay for a 30 foot wall on the US/Mexico border. The border is a lot longer than that, but it's a start. " +25826,0,I remember blowing bubbles as a kid... My grandma must have had a really fucked up childhood to name someone bubbles +25827,1,What do you call a generic brand of potatoes? Imitators +25828,6,"A quantum particle walks into two bars. In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time. In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life. The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks "" hey, so what did you do last night?"" the particle, bruised and beaten shouts ""DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"" " +25829,2,Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat? Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy +25830,0,What do you call debt collector that goes after drug dealers? A weed wacker. +25831,2,"Gay guys in wheelchairs are like tomatoes. Are they a fruit, or are they a vegetable? " +25832,1,A man has died after being suffocated under his bed sheets... The government is now calling for a blanket ban. +25833,2,Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer? Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.  +25834,2,Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows. +25835,1,"Me: *sees good joke, upvotes* Also Me: *pulls out thesaurus* Time to make this my own" +25836,5,"At 70, she still had a body like an hourglass Brittle and full of sand" +25837,2,What do you call a dead fly? A flew. +25838,2,Where does a cow fart come from? The dairy air +25839,0,"I used to date a janitor She didn't always look her best while she was working, but she cleaned up well. " +25840,2,How does a woman take care of her asshole? She packs him a lunch and sends him to work. +25841,3,What did Apple release to help blind people? An iPatch +25842,1,My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle. +25843,1,"A zebra dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. All my life I've wondered, says the Zebra, if I'm White with black stripes or Black with white stripes. Can you please tell me? St. Peter is baffled. I do not know this, he says, but fear not, for we will ask Jesus and all your questions will be answered. So St. Peter summons Jesus and they both scrutinize the Zebra trying to solve his riddle. Finally, Jesus says, my child Zebra, that question you ask is a difficult one indeed. I do not know if you are White with black stripes or Black with white stripes. But fear not, enlightenment will come to you, for I will now ask my Holy Father, that is, God Himself who knows all, and He will tell us. So Jesus asks God for help, and His voice booms from the clouds above them: ZEBRA! YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE! All three of them are silent for a minute and finally Jesus exclaims: Aha! Zebra, you are White with black stripes! Zebra is not convinced. But why? he asks. Because, replies Jesus, if you were Black then God would have said ""You is what you is""." +25844,8,"I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea ""Can't complain"", he said." +25845,6,"After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in. And whispered the 5 words that no man ever wants to hear - ""Who the fuck was that?""" +25846,2,Why couldn’t the duck cross the road? Because he got his foot stuck in a quack. +25847,0,What do you take to stop cats hissing at you? Anti-hissed-at-me's +25848,0,"Today, EA passed on it's crown of most hated gaming company to Blizzard. Blizzard must have a sense of pride and accomplishment." +25849,1,My girlfriend is going to work for an optometrist I'm really happy to see her working for someone with a positive outlook +25850,3,All the uproar about Liam Neeson’s racist comments is a bit much Can’t we let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons...? +25851,0,Why does the Ezio costume not come with pants or boots? The pants and boots will be included in a future update as dlc. +25852,1,What is an extrovert's favorite country? France +25853,6,I have a horse named mayo... Mayo neighs. +25854,0,You are sitting on a beach You are sitting on a beach eating a sandwich when you notice Donald Trump drowning in the sea. You have 2 options. Either jump in and save him or continue eating your sandwich. What do you choose Ham or Tuna? +25855,4,I just bought a used time machine on craigslist. They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore. +25856,0,Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Stop at red. +25857,4,There is no Turkey in the coop. But there's a coup in Turkey. +25858,1,"A gay guy goes to a pharmacy... He ask the pharmacist for a supository Pharmacist: no problem all the products on this wall are supositories, pick the one you want. Gay guy: That red one. Pharmacist: No no, from the fire extinguisher to the left." +25859,3,"I just ended a 5 year relationship But it's okay, it wasn't my relationship." +25860,0,If you're drinking red bush tea You might want to wait a week +25861,0,Where do emo boys hang out? In a noose. +25862,2,I gave a woman a sore vagina. That's the last time she asks me to beatbox. +25863,0,Hey did you hear Chuck Norris has joined the Caravan? Now it's a Ram. +25864,1,"People keep talking about the snow up North... They forget that 16 years ago this week, we got 14 feet in Texas. " +25865,1,So some crazy golfer snapped and stabbed a Mexican guy... It was a hole in Juan. +25866,0,What do you call a paralytic runner? The loser. +25867,1,"Grudge Pregnancy A man went to the doctor and said, ""My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."" ​ The doctor said, ""It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."" ​ The man asked, ""What’s a grudge pregnancy?"" ​ The doctor replied, ""Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you.""" +25868,4,If a girl says she'll be ready in 5 minutes she will No need to remind her every 15 minutes +25869,0,Jesus was first betrayed by Judas then he was crucified... I guess jew could say he was double crossed... +25870,0,What do you call a feline Katy Perry? Catty Purry (My friend hit me in the head for thinking this one up) +25871,1,What do you call it when two ice creams want to have a child Cone-ception +25872,1,"NSFW An old woman buys a parrot. She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner. When she gets home and puts the parrot in it’s cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words. She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the shopkeeper, he shows her another parrot but tells her this one only sits and prays all day, and suggests that maybe if she took it home to the first one it would pickup it habits. She agrees and takes it too. When she gets home and introduce the first parrot to the new one it immediately says, “wanna fuck?” To witch the second answers “Hallelujah my prayers are answered!”" +25873,1,My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. I shot her because I don't want to go to prison. +25874,2,I haven’t slept for a week Because that would be too long +25875,0,I don't know what you consider a drug... ... But cocaine is where Freud draws the line. +25876,1,Someone asked me if I would bet on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personalityl I replied I'm all Id +25877,0,Whats the opposite of Mayocide? Nutellacide. +25878,3,"Bob the Gorilla Catcher One day a gorilla escapes from a zoo. In order to get the animal back, the zoo sends out Bob the gorilla catcher. Bob gets in his pickup and starts cruising around the suburbs looking for the gorilla. After a couple hours of this, he spots the gorilla sitting on the roof of a garage. He pulls up in front of the house, walks up, and knocks on the door. The guy who lives there answers, and Bob explains the situation: ""I'm Bob the gorilla catcher, and there's a gorilla on your roof. I'm gonna need your help to catch him and bring him back to the zoo."" So the man agrees and they walk over to Bob's pickup. Bob reaches into the back of his truck and carefully gets out all his gorilla catching gear: A net, a dog, a baseball bat, a ladder, and a shotgun. Then he gives the net and the shotgun to the guy who's helping him. ""Alright, here's the plan,"" Bob explains, ""I'm gonna climb up with baseball bat and knock the gorilla off the roof. The dog'll run up and bite him in the balls, and you throw the net over him. Then together we'll throw him in the back of the pickup. Got it?"" ""Got it."" The man replies. After a moment of thought, he asks, ""Hold on a minute, what's the shotgun for?"" ""Ah, good question,"" says Bob, ""Sometimes, I screw up and the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, shoot the dog.""" +25879,2,What kind of shoes do spies wear? Sneakers +25880,1,Last year I became addicted to Boxing Day lunches. I had to go cold turkey. +25881,1,When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat? When your hair is dyed +25882,2,"Pun enters a room and kills 10 people Pun in, ten dead" +25883,3,"Two five year old boys Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, ""Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"". ""I've been circumcised."", the other replied. ""What's that mean?"" ""It means they cut the skin off the end."" ""How old were you when it was cut off?"" ""My mom said I was two days old."" ""Did it hurt?"", the kid asked inquiringly. ""You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"" " +25884,0,Hitler could have..... Hitler could have become a stand up comedian cause he'd roast people so well. +25885,0,What type of TV does the Grim Reaper have? High Deathinition +25886,11,North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world. +25887,0,I often try to beat the gayness ... ... out of myself ! +25888,2,"The bus. The bus leaves the stop, the man behind it who is rushing towards it to catch it stumbles and falls, gets up, starts running again, falls again. So many times in a row. People on the bus look at the bull and are choking with laughter. One girl puts her head out the window and yells, ""If you stumble again, we'll all pee here!"" The man behind the bus replies, ""You all are going to shit too, because I'm the bus driver!""" +25889,1,Why was Helen Keller bad at driving? Because she was a woman +25890,6,"None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God. Turns out they just needed a higher power." +25891,4,"A perfectionist walked into a bar Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough" +25892,2,Did you here about the pizza place that when bankrupt? I guess they weren't making enough dough +25893,2,"A politician dies, So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"" ""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??"" says the politician. ""Them's the rules"" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? ""Open your eyes!"" says a voice. ""C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!"". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. ""Who are you??"" The politician asks. ""Well, I'm Satan!"" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ""Welcome to Hell!"" ""Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?"" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. ""Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. ""It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!"" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. ""So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?"" ""No sir!"" says the man. ""So then"" says St Peter ""you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on"". ""Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell"" says the politician. ""Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!"" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. ""What's this??"" He cries. ""Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"" ""Ah"", says Satan. ""You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted...""" +25894,1,My grandfather was in a defective submarine during WWII Instead of a periscope they had a kaleidoscope. One day he looks out and says“ my god we’re surrounded” My favorite joke of all time courtesy of Stephen Wright +25895,6,"I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said ""Can you describe the symptoms?"" I said ""Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair""" +25896,2,"A couple is going through a divorce... ...and custody of the son comes into question. The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy. The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion: The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone." +25897,2,What does a gay neurosurgeon do? He blows your mind +25898,2,Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War? He Loki died bro +25899,2,"Two kids are headed down to the breakfast table... ...when one says to the other: ""Let's pretend we're adults and swear like grown-ups."" They hurry down to the breakfast table where they're greeted by their mother. ""Do you want some Cheerios for breakfast?"" she asks one of the boys. ""No I don't want any damn Cheerios!"" Appalled by his foul language she slaps him. She turns to the other child and asks him what he wants for breakfast. ""Well I sure as hell don't want any damn Cheerios."" " +25900,1,Donald Trump has a particular tell when he lies. His lips are moving. +25901,1,"A woman had quintuplets. Not being a creative type, she named them after her various senses. As the children grew up, they maintained a good relationship; very few other people wouldn't tease them about their names. Naturally, the children excelled in different areas; Touch, for example, was great at History, and Sight was the best artist in the school. After graduation, they decided to start a business. Splitting control of the company evenly among themselves, four of the young adults assumed different roles within the company. Sight, obviously, was the graphic designer. The PR was for Smell, the direction-setting and coordination was for Touch, and sales was a shoo-in for Hearing. One quintuplet, however, couldn't find a department to manage; she was the mathematician, and disliked the idea of running production. The remaining children, though saddened by their sibling not joining them, understood; There's just no accounting for Taste." +25902,2,"I used to have a parrot who talked a lot... He never said he was hungry, so he died." +25903,2,I can prove 11 = 10 = 9 XI = X = IX for any matrix X +25904,1,"Fun Facts Did you know that recent survey’s and studies have shown Bee Keepers to be the best Match Makers? It’s true. When they looked into it, the study shows that beauty is indeed in the eye of the Bee-Holder" +25905,1,What does the Incredible Hulk bring to the Avenger's Thanksgiving meal? Smashed potatoes. +25906,4,"Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL? They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup" +25907,1,"Hillary Clinton is a strong woman who doesn't need Bill. Besides, the FBI has been fingering her for a while now." +25908,1,How do you get a nun pregnant ? Fuck her. +25909,1,"Birthday Boys and Testicles There was a boy who woke up to remember it was his birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. ""Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today"", the boy said. The father has no clue and finally gives up. ""I'm eleven!"" the boy exclaims. Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, ""Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today"". ""Let me give it a guess"", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers. She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, ""You're eleven years old"". ""How did you know?"" the boy asked. Grandma replied, ""I heard you tell your father""." +25910,2,"I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on. I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes." +25911,1,"A man asks a farmer A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” " +25912,0,"What is a pirate's favorite letter? When the person answers ""R"" you say ""You'd think that but me first love be the C.""" +25913,1,"My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water. Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away. And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once." +25914,2,CS:GO and Roulette are quite similar They are both fun until you add Russian +25915,4,What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws were wanted. +25916,0,"An airplane is flying along... Carrying 2 mexicans, a frenchman and a texan. An engine goes out and the pilot says they have to lose 500lbs or they're all going to die. One of the mexicans stands up, says ""Viva Mexico!"", and jumps out of the plane. Then the frenchman, ""Vive la France!"", and jumps out behind him. Next the texan stands up, grabs the remaining mexican, tosses him out the door and says ""Remember the Alamo!""." +25917,0,From r/izlam +25918,7,Are you guys OK? I haven't heard from you all year. +25919,6,"A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck... A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in. The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants. With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in. The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two old ladies. About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath. The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around. One old lady nudges the other lady and exclaims, “Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.” The lady furthest away says, “Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”. The other lady replies, “Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”. " +25920,2,"A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt... ...Pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, ""Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"" The hunter said, ""Sure,"" and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said ""No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."" With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, ""There, that will teach him!"" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, ""I got the cow!"" " +25921,2,Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party? The cake comes out of the girl. +25922,2,"Growing up, my teacher wouldn't let me bring my MP3 to school So I brought my MP5 instead" +25923,0,Whats the difference between a feminist and a gun? a gun gets its holes cleaned +25924,3,Why don't clowns invest their money in the market? They'd be the laughing stock. +25925,2,What do you call a salad that's been cut with a knife? Ceasar +25926,1,Why are chefs in such a rush? Theyre running out of thyme. +25927,3,"Red Riding Hood from Chernobyl with 3 boobs walks through the forest... Wolf is checking her out from the bushes and thinks about raping her. Wolf jumps out of the bush, tackles her and starts to undress her. He sees three boobs and says: ""Oh my God, you have three boobs!"" She replies to him: ""If you don't like it, you can suck my dick!""" +25928,3,"Two girls weent for a smoke Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way to keep them dry, and they stood ankle deep in the waves and smoked. New girl was instantly hooked, and later that day, went to the pharamacy to also buy a condom to store her cigarettes in. With a predictable leer and wink, the cashier pointed behind him to the selection of condoms, and asked which kind she wanted: watermelon flavor, magnum, ribbed condoms, ultra pleasure brand etc.. Squinting at the shelf, the girl replied: ""I'm just looking for one that will fit a camel!""" +25929,1,What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream? A McFurry +25930,0,"No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017 They raised it to orange." +25931,1,I prefer riding with Uber The other options are too tax-y for me +25932,3,"Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'" +25933,0,Roses are red.... Roses are red Violets are blue I suck at poetry Bacon! +25934,5,"NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm. He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hours, so the Aussie hangs out with the farmer on the porch of the farm. He asks the farmer if he would allow him to talk to the farmers dog. ‘Dog doesn’t talk ya idiot’ replies the farmer. Undeterred the Aussie asks the dog ‘how are you boy?’, to which the dog replies ‘I’m well, my master treats me well, takes me for long walks and lets me sleep wherever I like’. The farmer is flabbergasted. Then the Aussie asks if he can talk to the horse. ‘Horse doesn’t talk ya idiot’ he replies. The Aussie asks the horse how he’s doing. ‘Good!’ Exclaims the horse. ‘My owner rides me often and feeds me well. I don’t have any complaints at all’. The farmer can’t believe what he’s witnessing. The Aussie then asks the farmers sheep how it’s doing. The farmer yells out ‘DONT LISTEN TO HIM, HE’S A FUCKING LIAR!!’ Side note: I imagined that would be a lot quicker to type!" +25935,1,"Knock Knock Who's there? Closet Vegan. Closet Vegan who? No one, EVER!" +25936,3,"Desert Island A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford. They build a lean-to and find some food and water. After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate. The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree. ""What's the matter?"" Cindy says: ""Is there anything I can do?"" ""Well, I am a little shy about asking you,"" he replies: ""But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"" ""A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so"", and she does it. ""Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"" ""Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."" ""Great!"" he cries, looks at her and says: ""Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"" " +25937,0,"A man tries to call a Chinese takeout shop, but can't get through to the manager... ""Can I speak to Ha-Fout?"" he asks. ""Sorry,"" the voice on the other end replies. ""Ha-Fout is not in."" ""Well,"" he says sternly. ""Can I speak to Ha-Finn?"" ""No,"" the voice replies. ""Ha-Finn is out."" ""Well, who am I talking to?"" he finally asks. ""I'm Ha-Fup, the receptionist"". ""Sorry"", the man replies. ""I'll call you back when you're not busy.""" +25938,3,My Sister Said She's Into Incest Which was a weird thing to say during sex +25939,2,When I was born I was given a choice of having a perfect eidetic memory or a huge penis... I can't remember which one I decided on. +25940,4,"I was at the park today by the playground. A mother asked me which kid was mine. ""I haven't decided yet.""." +25941,2,Just been on www.bigbustycoons.com Damn those guys have some good bus companies. +25942,1,"The sign on the music shop read ""Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied"". Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings. I guess you could say: ""There were no strings attached.""" +25943,1,What is the easiest way for a Rockstar to gain karma? Repost Malone +25944,0,What's Will Smith's favorite role in movies? The blacksmith +25945,0,I have issues with authority. I also have issues with electric potential. Every time I see lightning I wanna know who put the clouds in charge. +25946,0,"What did Trump say about the deal? ""Iran from the deal"" " +25947,4,"Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him.. His maid rushed to the scene and asked "" are you alright, sir ?"" Sean : ""it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame .""" +25948,1,"God created man in his own image. Then, why the fuck am I getting all the complaints for? " +25949,5,"3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter." +25950,1,Why don't horses get elected to congress? Because they are naysayers. +25951,4,"If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins, I'm leaving the country. This isn't a political joke, I just really wanna travel." +25952,2,"Best part of dating a homeless girl? Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere!" +25953,0,"Decorating the Morgue A painter and his 16 year old apprentice are painting the walls of a morgue, the apprentice comes running back from another room and says ""They've just brought a really attractive girl in, but there's a slight problem..."" The painter says ""Go on, whats the problem"" The apprentice explains ""it's just that there is a prawn hanging from her fanny"" So, they go and have a look, ""that ain't no prawn, That's her clitoris"" He turns and says... ""It tasted like a prawn"". " +25954,0,"A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar ""What can I get for you Mr. President?""" +25955,2,Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they hear how much money I make... ...then they say I’m poor and ugly ): +25956,0,"If Neil deGrasse Tyson was a superhero, his name should be... Dark Energy" +25957,0,Husband on wife's grave Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying... Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot? Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here? +25958,2,"Where is your husband? - A neighbor asks the woman -There he is in the garden. -Where, I dont see him? -Well, you have to do some digging..." +25959,0,My friend told me to Reddit Read what? +25960,2,"Whats better, ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care." +25961,0,Smelling My Food Wondering why people always ask the obvious... Friend sees me at a restaurant. Friend : Hey! Having lunch? Me: (Dying inside.. Forced a straight face..) NO. JUST SMELLING IT. (continues to just stare blank at him...) Friend walks away and points a middle finger... +25962,0,What do you call 4chan in space? Virgin Galactic. +25963,0,What is a pirate's favorite restaurant? Arrrrrrby's - my son +25964,1,"If you're just looking for sex, find yourself a girl from Philly that likes football. They're used to playing the game and never getting a ring." +25965,1,I had the most obedient dog in the world. I told him not to move a muscle And he died of cardiac arrest. +25966,1,Where do misogynists come from? Their dicks. +25967,0,Have you heard that president Assad has been making cheese? He's been getting the Kurds out of the whey (credit to Sambo85 - Sikipedia) +25968,0,If tree fall in Siberian woods... And tree fall on Glorious Leader Putin... Does make any sound other than applause? +25969,0,What's the spaciest kind of camel? Andromedary +25970,1,"I went to the bookstore... I went to the bookstore and found a book entitled “how to solve 50% of your problems”, so I bought two." +25971,4,"Fishing is expensive A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid says “One”. The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “$165,000”. The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Ford Pinto would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Chevy 4 wheel drive.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”" +25972,1,Why can't the seven dwarfs walk into a bar? Because the bar is raised to high. +25973,0,Play on word jokes I love telling play on word jokes in care homes so if you have any jokes with plays on word please email them to me so I can add to my website. +25974,0,"While we were on a road trip from New York to Oregon, my wife leans over and says ""I have to take a shit."" So I told her to get an abortion and she did and said she felt a lot better lol" +25975,2,The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has... Ejectile disfunction. +25976,2,What's an Irishmans favourite saying? Whale oil beef hooked +25977,1,Which bird is the most contented? The crow. He never complains without caws. +25978,1,I told him I didn't want a tattoo... ...but then he drew a gun on me. +25979,1,"A plane carrying Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, and Bashar Asaad crashes in the desert. Let's go get ice cream." +25980,0,What do you get when you mix an alcoholic and domestic abuser together? My fucking father. +25981,0,"Why afraid of 7, 5 is? Because six seven eight - Yoda" +25982,0,Yo mama so fat I'm concerned for her health +25983,4,In which state does the Mississippi river flow? Liquid. +25984,0,Did you guys hear about the movie called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet. +25985,2,Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros? They've had problems with reactors before +25986,1,How would you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prince. +25987,0,"Okay, this joke is kinda weird, but I like it Two shepherds are having a conversation: -Can I ask you a question? -Yes, of course. -How much do your sheep eat? -Black sheep or white sheep? -Hmm... Let's say white. -White eat 2 kilos each. -And black? -2 kilos each too. -And what about wool? How much wool do they give? -Black ones or white ones? -Let's say white ones. -1 kilo each. -And black? -1 kilo each too. -I just don't understand. Why do you divide your sheep into black ones and white ones? -Ah, of course! That's just because white sheep are mine! -So, whose are black ones? -Mine too. Edit: formatting" +25988,1,My friend's boyfriend is an optometrist and a sadomasochist. She says he's a real sight for sore eyes even though he can be a pain in the ass. +25989,4,"Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency? However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks." +25990,6,Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand? Because she uses the other one to sing +25991,1,Did you hear about the guys who built fake chickens and sold them on the Danish market? They really made a kylling +25992,3,"A English man goes for dinner in a Spanish city As he's sitting browsing the menu, he notices a man across from him recieves his meal, a large seared juicy looking ball of meat. The man asks the Maître d ""What is that man eating"" the waiter replies ""That is the victory special, a rosted and broilled bull testicle from the weekly bull fight, unfortunately that was our last one for today"". The man is intrigued. He goes back to the restauraunt the next week, sure enough written on the chalkboard is ""Victory Special! 1 remaining"" the mans mouth is watering as he is shown to his table, as he sits down he calls the Maître d over ""I would like the victory special please!"" ""Good choice sir"" said the waiter as he scurries to the kitchen. Ten minutes later the water comes back.. Sitting on the tray is 2 tiny little balls. ""What is this?"" Said the man. The Maître d smiled back smuggly ""Ahh, sometimes the Bull doesn't lose"" " +25993,2,If you donate a kidney your'e a hero If you donate five you get arrested +25994,0,I don’t see why not Should I make the punchline of the joke the title? +25995,0,"An astronomy joke, kind of... Why do werewolves howl at the full moon? Because it's just after the waxing phase! " +25996,2,Why are dwarves terrible parents? They have difficulty putting food on the table. +25997,7,Girls can’t stop talking about my huge dick All week I’ve been hearing “what a huge dick” every time someone mentions me +25998,3,"Little Jimmy turned up for school with his cat... ""Jimmy, Why do you have your cat with you?"" Jimmy replied ...""I have brought him here for his own safety"" the teacher said,""What is that supposed to mean?"" Jimmy told her, ""Well, i was getting ready for school when i herd the milkman talking to my mum and he said ""when little Jimmy has gone to school, i'm going to eat your pussy""..." +25999,0,"My MIL rarely, if ever cooks... So my wife says out of the blue... Wife: “We cremate after death, right?” Me, warily: “Yeah...” Wife: “Good, then we can finally say that my mom is cooking”" +26000,0,"Italian Army tanks have five gears Four reverse, one forward (in case they get attacked from the rear)" +26001,1,My favourite Christmas song is teenage dirtbag by wheatus. Her name is Noel. +26002,4,"A Jewish father decided to sent his son to Israel and this happened. A Jewish father sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “What have I done!” said the father, He took his problem to his best friend Joseph and he said, “I sent my son, Noah, to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?” “Funny you should ask,” said Joseph. “I, also, sent my son, Abraham, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi.” They explained their problem to the Rabbi. “Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too sent my son, Adam, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?” They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: “Funny you should ask,” said the voice, “I, too, sent my son, Jesus, to Israel…”" +26003,0,"Why did the chicken cross the road, step in mud, and then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double-crosser." +26004,0,What do you call a female scientist? A scientits +26005,2,"A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored." +26006,0,What do you call a 40-year old unemployed nurse? A midwife crisis. +26007,2,"So there’s two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress. Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one. As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door. On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only while the Mathematicians don’t buy any. Again the Physicists are confused. As soon as they see the conductor they leave for the toilet. One of the Mathematicians follows them knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please.”" +26008,3,"Arnold Schwarzenegger Joke: True Story 3 guys in their early twenties were waiting for a 4th person they were matched up with to play some golf. To their surprise, the 4th person shows up and it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. He walks up smoking a cigar and the first thing he says to them is ""So when was your last blowjob?"" One of the young guys responds proudly ""Last night"" Arnold then said ""How did it taste?""" +26009,2,"I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party. I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room. I was absolutely disgusted. I had found my mom's vibe rater. " +26010,0,The box said ‘Requires Windows 10 or better’. So I installed LINUX +26011,2,How is Han Solo in bed? He shoots first +26012,1,"Nervous for her first time, a woman starts conversation with her OBGYN... While on the table, she says ""Doc, that's a cool light on your head."" The doctor responds, ""It's actually a head mirror, but thanks."" Now even more nervous, she says ""Doc, where'd you get those tongs?"" The doctor looks up in shock, ""They're actually a self retaining bivalve vaginal speculum."" Distracted, the doctor falls forward, planting his face right into the inspection bay. The woman shouts ""Doc! Did you fall off your chair?"" The doctor quickly says, now turned around and coughing, ""It's actually a stool..."" The woman rolls her eyes ""Well, now you're just spitting hairs""" +26013,4,I was going to make a joke about that bus... I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers... But there's no pun in ten dead. +26014,0,I heard that it’s impossible to snore while dreaming. I guess that means my roommates don’t dream. +26015,2,What do you call a small person in Thailand? Thai-ny +26016,0,"No internet This morning, my internet went down, so I had to spend some time with my folks. They seem like nice people." +26017,2,We now finally have proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead He just registered to vote in Chicago +26018,3,"I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay today... **I thought to myself, 'I wonder what his handicap is?'** " +26019,1,The fifth season will start in a few days Nuclear Winter +26020,6,"Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them." +26021,0,'Say it with flowers' Send a wreath +26022,1,What's the best thing about Icelandic winters? It's their hot springs. +26023,0,If we ban transgenders from the military... Who's gonna fight the decepticons? +26024,0,"My mailbox is overflowing, my spam folder and junk folder rival each other in size, and I keep procrastinating on dealing with it... But one day I'm gonna go clean all that up, you just wait and DNC." +26025,8,My wife is so much better looking than me... ...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. Credit: Charles Demers +26026,0,Why couldn't Anne Frank complete her homework? She didn't have enough concentration +26027,3,I think I’ve been watching too much porn recently. My self-winding watch is up to September 2033. +26028,0,"So, I met someone in this address bar lately and he said... Hi, my name is URL." +26029,0,Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies +26030,0,What was Hitlers favorite civic duty? Jewry duty +26031,3,"A woman goes to her Gynaecologist. A woman goes to her Gynaecologist. ""What seems to be the problem?"" asked the Doctor. ""Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."" The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said: ""Those aren't postage stamps my dear, They're the stickers off the bananas.""" +26032,2,Why does snoop dog always have an umbrella? Fo Drizzle +26033,0,How does 18yo Sharpay differentiate her two sons both called Doug? By their last name +26034,0,I'm not always a asshole to people... But when I am I'm surely not going to get fucked. +26035,1,Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg? A: That one in the middle thinks he's hard. +26036,1,What do you call a ship that you're not allowed to see? Censor-ship +26037,5,There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang... This joke has been removed. Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea. To desire more is greed. +26038,1,"What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim? An excavator." +26039,2,My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man. So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve +26040,1,"What's common between a bungee jumper and a hooker? If the rubber snaps, you're screwed " +26041,2,"Once, in a far away Amazonian tribe, where all the houses were made of grass, the chief of the land wanted more splendour. Fortunately, a large deposit of gold was found by his miners. The king ordered his subjects to make the gold into a massive throne, with inlaid jewels and a massive headrest. The people laboured on for days and days, and it was eventually finished. So the chief ruled for years and years, almost a decade, on his great golden throne, but he grew tired of its splendour and decided to bring back his old wooden seat, storing the throne in the attic of his grass mansion. That night, there was an almighty crash from the chieftain's house. It turned out that the throne has broken through the ceiling, squashing the chief, killing him. The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones." +26042,0,"Why did they hire the police department to design a new superconductor? ""STOP RESISTING!!!""" +26043,0,"WAR, h'uh, yeah! What is it good for? Population reduction" +26044,5,When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad. +26045,2,What do you get when you perform a bad vocal solo to a crowd of mosquitoes? Malaria. +26046,0,"The judge gives custody of their 12yr old son to the father The wife says "" why did you decide that without questioning us?"" The judge replies "" Ma'am, you had to carry this boy for nine long months of discomfort, followed by several hours of painful labor. Then you had to endure months of sleepless nights, smelly diaper changes and temper tantrums. You've suffered enough, it's his turn now!""" +26047,0,Microsoft has had a policy regarding its operating system error reporting system since the beginning... ...to never ever clearly inform the user what the problem is or how to fix it. +26048,2,"Telling Time A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, ""What are you doing?"" The naked man replies, ""I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15."" The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, ""Wow, it really is 12:15."" The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, ""What are you doing?"" The naked man replies, ""I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15."" The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, ""I'm winding my watch.""" +26049,1,"Why did the plant say after being watered? ""I'm not hungry exactly, but I could still use a light snack""." +26050,8,"Woman's vagina A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, ""Do you have a vagina?"" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ""Do you have a vagina?"" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ""Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."" The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ""Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it."" She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same questions, ""Do you have a vagina?"" ""Yes, actually I have,"" she says. The man replies, ""Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?""" +26051,3,How did i escape from Iraq? Iran +26052,1,How do you punish Helen Keller? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner. +26053,6,"Dead Again During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for the wall!""" +26054,0,I'm biding my time I'm waiting until Kanye runs for President. That will be jokes. +26055,0,"I don't mind asking anyone anything. What's the worst they could say? No? I'm a married man, I hear no at least two times a week. " +26056,0,"The tax man cometh A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?" +26057,0,What did Joe Arpaio say to Donald Trump running into him in Arizona? Pardon me. +26058,1,How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas? Tarrif-ied. +26059,0,Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she +26060,1,Did you hear about the man who faked leprosy to get charity handouts? It was a leper con. +26061,1,"A Mexican man who spoke no Emglish went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. ""Quiero calcetines,"" said the man. ""I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,"" said the salesgirl. ""No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,"" said the man. ""Well, these shirts are on sale this week,"" declared the salesgirl. ""No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines,"" repeated the man. ""I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,"" offered the salesgirl. ""No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,"" insisted the man. ""These sweaters are top quality,"" the salesgirl probed. ""No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines,"" said the man. ""Our undershirts are over here,"" fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. ""No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines,"" the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, ""Eso sí que es!"" ""Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!"" yelled the salesgirl." +26062,0,"A Chinese man and a Jewish man are walking down the street When suddenly, the Jewish man turns towards the Chinese man and punches him straight in the face. “That was for Pearl Harbour!” the man exclaims. “What?! That was the Japanese, not the Chinese,” the Chinese man replies The Jewish man apologises profusely for the misunderstanding, and they continue down the street. After about 5 minutes of walking, the Chinese man turns to the Jewish man and punches him hard in the face, shouting, “that was for the Titanic, you bastard!” “That wasn’t the Jews, an iceberg sunk the Titanic!” the Jewish man explains. The Chinese man replies, “ah, iceberg, Goldberg, same thing”" +26063,0,You ever hear the joke about the soda? It was flat +26064,3,"Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did... Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. ""Who is it?"" ""It's Mark."" Jesus opens the door. ""What did you bring Mark?"" ""Marijuana from Colombia."" ""Very well son, come in."" Another soft knock is heard. ""Who is it?"" ""It's Matthew."" Jesus opens the door. ""What did you bring Matthew?"" ""Cocaine from Bolivia."" ""Very well son, come in."" At the next knock Jesus asks, ""Who is it?"" ""It's John."" Jesus opens the door. ""What did you bring John?"" ""Crack from New York."" ""Very well son, come in."" Someone starts pounding on the door. ""Who is it?"" ""It's Judas!"" Jesus opens the door. ""What did you bring Judas?"" ""FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!""" +26065,1,"As a kid, I put snowballs in the blender to make a slushy. Snowballs was a good cat..." +26066,4,"Bear removal A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked up in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for “Up North Bear Removers”. He called the number listed and the bear remover said he would be over within the hour. The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking scarred old pit bull. “What are you going to do” enquired the homeowner. “I’m going to put the ladder up against the roof, I’m going to climb up and knock the bear off the roof with the baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof the pit bull is trained to bite the bears testicles and not let go. Allowing me to subdue the bear and get him into the cage”. He then hands the shotgun over to the homeowner. “And what’s the shotgun for?” Asked the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”" +26067,1,Did you hear about the deaf guy that got hit by a train? Neither did he. +26068,1,If at first you don't succeed Skydiving is not for you +26069,1,The idea that it's ok to have sex with minors is complete nonce sense. +26070,2,I thought it would be good idea to charge my Note 7 and make a call at the same time. Boy did that blow up in my face. +26071,1,Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll? Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack. +26072,1,Where do baby robots develop? In the computerus. +26073,4,What do you call an emo a cappella group? Self Harmony +26074,1,"I tried to sell my old dogging stuff on eBay this week, without success. No bidders but I did have 12 watchers. " +26075,1,Why are some apples so sad? Because they were left hanging... +26076,2,What does a female praying mantis ask for from a male prostitute? Head. She always wants head. +26077,1,"An Australian man sits down in an American diner And orders a cup of coffee. The waiter comes back and hands the man his drink. He takes a drink and calls the waiter back. “Is something the matter?” Says the waiter. “Yes,” said the man. “I ordered a coffee, but I got a cup of hazelnut creamer.” “I’m sorry for the mix up sir, but you did specifically order a cup of hazelnut coffeemate.”" +26078,0,Why are there so many cemeteries in some places? The people are all dying to get in. +26079,3,What do you call it when a gamer girl has her first period... ...First blood +26080,0,"How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Soak it in gasoline and touch a match to it. It'll go ""WOOF!!!"" " +26081,3,What do a pallet of bricks and a fat girl have in common? Sooner or later they will get laid by a Mexican +26082,0,Did you hear about the guy who lost the wrestling match? Turns out he's a sore loser. +26083,2,Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired. +26084,2,"I once knew a girl with 12 boobs. Sounds fake, dozen tit?" +26085,0,Why does Trump smell so bad? Because he won't stop pootin' +26086,0,What do Jamaican basketball players say when they catch the ball wrong? “JAM!” “ACHE!” “AHHHHH!” +26087,0,"Forgive me for this one A German soldier who loves animals can't decide what to do after WWII. His friend says, Otto, it's easy to figure out. You're a Veteran Aryan. " +26088,0,"A man walks into a bar... ""Ouch!""" +26089,4,"I don’t remember where I stole this joke from... A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, ""If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"" Johnny says, ""None, because the shot scared them all off."" The teacher says, ""No, two, but I like how you're thinking."" Johnny asks the teacher, ""If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"" The teacher says, ""The one sucking her ice cream."" Johnny says, ""No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!""" +26090,5,"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit." +26091,1,"I don’t often tell dad jokes But when I do, they’re usually reposts." +26092,0,"Excuse me sir, can I sit down? I'm pregnant Hell na. Next time fuck a nigga with a car!" +26093,4,What did elephant say to a naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing? +26094,1,I asked my friend from North Korea how it was to live there... ...he said he couldn't complain. +26095,5,"A guy goes into a bar, A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, ""How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"" The guy replied, ""I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."" ""For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,000."" ""For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."" ""Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."" So, I said, ""c'mon, how about a little head?"" Edit: added a 0" +26096,0,"Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar And the bartender says, “what can I get you?”" +26097,2,What do you call 3 friends in Silicon Valley? A startup. +26098,3,"I faked my age A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty? “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."" His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. ""Well"", he replied. ""I said I was 87!""" +26099,9,"A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, ""What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink."" So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, ""Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."" So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. ""You know,"" he says to the gorilla, ""we don't get too many gorillas in here."" And the gorilla says, ""At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised.""" +26100,5,Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones. They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe. +26101,1,Chuck Norris joins the caravan Now it's a ram +26102,2,What car can't you own if you use a nokia? A kia +26103,2,What do Hugh Jackman and Caitlyn Jenner have in common? They're both X-Men +26104,2,What did the sign say at a strip club Business doing pleasure for you +26105,0,Saw a Hurst parked in front of a hair salon that said... We'll Curl up and Dye for You +26106,2,I figured out how to make my penis 8 inches Fold it in half +26107,1,"A Saskatchewan Farmer Retires A 65 year old Saskatchewan farmer decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the prairies. A few months later a friend comes to visit. ""What do you think of the mountains?"" his friend asks. ""They are okay, but they sure obscure the view.""" +26108,0,"The 'Shooting' competition Once upon a time in the kingdom of camelot there was a competition held among the most prominent knights to determine who could shoot their cum the farthest. The first knight named David tried and shot it 10 meters. The second knight named William tried even harder and shot 50 meters. Now it was time for Lancelot, the bravest of the knights to showcase his talent and after going at it furiously for several minutes he ejaculated, but even after continuous searching no one was able to find his cum. The next day News reported ""Mysterious Sticky rainfall in the Kingdom of Cornwall makes more than 70% of women pregnant.""" +26109,0,What do you call a bong with a dick? A dong. +26110,1,Racecar backwards is Racecar. Racecar sideways is how Paul walker died. +26111,1,"The WNBA Sorry, I put the punchline in the title" +26112,0,What’s the worst part about giving a hand job to Willie Nelson? Finding out he’s not Willie Nelson. +26113,2,"So this guy wants to ask this girl to the dance... So he makes a poster and everything and asks her. She says yes. Later on, the guy goes over to the girls house to pick her up and the two drive to the dance together. They have fun laughing and joking and dancing and the guy asks if she can get her something to drink. She says yes and he goes to get some punch. He goes over to the punch bowl and finds that there is no punch line." +26114,1,"Knock knock.... Me: Who's there? Mailman: The mailman Me: The mailman, who? Mailman: do you want your package or not?" +26115,0,"What did the redneck with 4 American flags flying in the bed of his pickup truck, say to the redneck with 2 American flags flying in his pickup truck? “Go back to Russia you communist MF’er!!!!”" +26116,1,What's the national bird of Iraq? A drone. +26117,3,"I just sat down to write a joke about my ADHD. Oh wait, a Buzzfeed quiz." +26118,0,"[NSFW] ""I just won a medal in the wankathon!"" ""Oh nice man! Did you win?"" ""Yeah. I came last!""" +26119,5,"It's 1957... It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, ""Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."" Bobby is shocked. ""Excuse me, sir?"" ""Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."" Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, ""Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!""" +26120,1,Wanna hear a joke about celiac disease? You won't get it. +26121,3,Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex Well atleast the one i fucked did +26122,3,Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too. +26123,1,I was telling my Canadian friend that Canada definitely wasn’t made up of states... He was having Nunavut. +26124,0,Rugby players never score But they always try. +26125,1,What is 1x times D xD +26126,2,Why doesn't Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up. +26127,3,"I hate it when I'm at someone's party and they keep asking stupid questions like... ""Who are you?"" and ""Is that a gun?""" +26128,0,"What's a pirate's favorite programming language? You think it'd be R, but it's really the C." +26129,3,"Thor: ""I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"" Antman: ""Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"" " +26130,0,Lets break a record. +26131,0,I told a racist joke to a pineapple the other day... My life is sad. +26132,1,"Abdul, the Indian wife beater, hits his wife every night at 7 PM On the dot." +26133,2,"Two Chemists walk into a bar One chemist says ""I'll have H20"" The other one says ""I'll have water, also"" ""Fuck, my assassination attempt failed...""" +26134,10,"A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, ""Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"" ""Are you nuts?"" she replies and walks away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. ""Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"" he asks again. ""Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. ""Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?"" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, ""Hmmmmm, $10,000?"" She thinks a bit ""OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."" So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, ""Are you gonna bite them or what?"" ""Nah,"" he replies. ""Costs too much!""" +26135,0,"I'm dating a half asian girl... ...her mother is korean, her father is korean and her legs were ripped off in a car accident" +26136,1,"Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season! In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah! And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata! Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extremely weak arms. Their matches typically consist of repeated jabs at the opponent mentally. Last year’s match was a killer sight, as Tommy proceeded to punch Timmy as hard as he could, with Timmy retorting with a simple “was that a punch, lime?”" +26137,4,"I think my coworkers are gay... .... Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”" +26138,0,"Before Trump's medical exam I was a 6' tall, 200lb average Joe... Now I'm a successful 6'4"", 175lb model." +26139,0,"A couple are in bed reading. All of a sudden he slides his finger under the bed, sticks it in her pussy until it gets wet and then takes it out. The woman, getting excited asks him: what? Aren't you going to continue? The man says: oh no, I just wanted my finger wet so I could turn the page." +26140,5,Jokes on this sub are like presidents Old and only here to get votes +26141,10,"Genders are like the Twin Towers There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject. Edit: I hope September 12 was an appropriate time for this. Edit #2: Why is everyone in r/jokes so salty about hearing a joke they've heard before? Suddenly as soon as fake internet points come into the equation, everyone loses their mind. When you see a picture on a sub that you may have seen before do you also freak out and get your panties in a knot that someone is earning all this karma for a picture you've seen before? I realize this is nothing new, especially to this sub, but it still amazes me. Oh and also, all you Karma-Nazi's can go ahead and down-vote me into oblivion because they are FAKE. INTERNET. POINTS." +26142,1,"There are three ways to look at your life Only left eye open, only right eye open, both eyes open." +26143,3,"My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug... Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018 " +26144,2,"A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a drink. ""How much do I owe you?"" asks the neutron to the bartender. ""For you sir, there is no charge""" +26145,9,"So Joe had these headaches... The doctor said, ""Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."" Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, ""That's what I need - a new suit."" He entered the shop and told the salesman, ""I'd like a new suit."" The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ""Let's see ... size 44 long."" Joe laughed, ""That's right, how did you know?"" ""Been in the business 60 years!"" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ""How about a new shirt?"" Joe thought for a moment and then said, ""Sure."" The salesman eyed Joe and said, ""Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."" Again, Joe was surprised, ""That's right, how did you know?"" ""Been in the business 60 years!"" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, ""How about new shoes?"" Joe was on a roll and said, ""Sure."" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, ""Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."" Joe was astonished, ""That's right, how did you know?"" ""Been in the business 60 years!"" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ""How about some new underwear?"" Joe thought for a second and said, ""Sure."" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, ""Let's see... size 36."" Joe laughed. ""Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."" The salesman shook his head, ""You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.""" +26146,3,My wife says that she still hears her grandmother's voice sometimes before she goes to sleep at night. But only when I forget to lock the basement. +26147,1,I just bombed my physics test on kinetic energy... That should get me an A. +26148,1,"Today is world piles day Get yourself checked. If you don't have piles, celebrate for being a ""perfect asshole"" If you do have piles, still celebrate, for being a ""pain in the ass""" +26149,0,"Doctor: ""*I have some pressing news...*"" Me: ""*Lay it on me Doc*"" Dr: ""*I'll put this as lightly as I can, You have a mild blunt-force-trauma allergy*"" Me: ""*Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks!*"" Dr: ""*Don't let this hold you down...*"" Me: ""*I's it congenital - because if it is, my kids'll be crushed*"" " +26150,0,"Paying $3-4k/month for a 1BR in SF is ridiculous... ...but I guess there is some growth potential. After the next quake, it may become a 2BR, with a view." +26151,0,What's another term for cancer? Making Internal Organs Great Again. +26152,2,... AND IT WORKS!!! I just invented a time travel machine... +26153,1,What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want em? NEEEEEEAAAAAAOOWWWW +26154,2,"A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight. She told me, ""Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"" " +26155,2,"A windmill asked me for an autograph... I said ""You must be a big fan""" +26156,0,Oral sex can make your whole day... Anal sex will make your hole weak. +26157,3,I’m so good at making fun of people… They say I have a diss ability. +26158,0,Mad Scientists +26159,2,What is the phobia of chainsaws called? Common fucking sense +26160,0,What does global warming and music have in common? Al Gore rhythms +26161,4,"A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...” But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover. His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of his now dead friend. Police swarm in through the doors to the venue and take down the shooter, putting a bullet through his head without a second thought, and rough hands seize Nathaniel. Everything is a daze. The next thing he knows, he’s in a cell, being interrogated about the shooting. Questions are ringing through his head, questions he wants to answer but can’t find the time to collect his thoughts. “Was he a friend to you?” “We can’t contact his family. Do you know how we can reach them?” “What is...” The words fly by, and the next thing he knows after that is sitting at a table, making calls on his phone. Nathaniel is planning his friend’s funeral, putting every bit of detail into it to give his friend the best send off he can. Yet he’s looking from far off in his mind, almost on autopilot, still in shock somehow. The day of the funeral comes round, and everything is planned perfectly. The church is presented well down to the finest detail, the guests are all dressed accordingly, and the entire service puts a bit of life into Nathaniel, but there’s still something off in his mind. Next stop, the wake. A crowd of people who admired the magician all stand around, praising him for his marvellous tricks and chatting fondly about him. Nathaniel starts to make his way to the drinks table, but is caught behind a queue of others wanting to do so. As he waits patiently, he hears the man in front laugh and say, “well, he was a terrible person and his tricks were garbage.” Something snaps inside Nathaniel, drawing down a curtain of red in his vision. His mind becomes a blur, but when he comes to he can’t believe what he’s seeing. The group of people are all dead, heads bashed in, and he’s in handcuffs. He killed them all. Being dragged away. The police. The blood. Blood all over his hands. But he needs confirmation. “E-excuse me,” he asks a stunned woman near him. “What happened?” The woman turns to him and says, “can you not remember what you just did?” Nathaniel shakes his head in fright, to which the woman sighs and asks, “you’re the one who planned his funeral, right?” He nods his head this time, a slight smile coming to his face. The woman stares at him and says, “well the setup was pretty good, but you completely butchered the punchline.”" +26162,1,Why does Trump like Pink Floyd? Because they made The Wall. +26163,5,"I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible" +26164,2,If you have sex in a garden... does that make it a boneyard? +26165,3,What sound does a horny frog make? Rubbit rubbit. +26166,1,"Two knights are riding through the forest and they come across a peasant. One knight lifts his visor and says, ""Pray thee, have you seen a black knight with a red lion rampant on a white shield?"" ""I'm afraid not sir knight."" ""Very well, then. Go about God's business."" They go another mile down the road, and they come across another peasant. One knight lifts his visor and says, ""Pray thee, have you seen a black knight with a red lion rampant on a white shield?"" ""I'm afraid not sir knight."" ""Very well, then. Go about God's business."" They go about a quarter mile down the road, and see a third knight riding towards them. One knight lifts his visor and says, ""Where the fuck is Jim?!""" +26167,0,Three guys walk in to a bar... The 4th one ducks +26168,6,A woman was robbed... ...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs. She was delighted +26169,0,What do you call an alligator that walks around all day with a vest on? An investigator. +26170,1,"I am identical to a stallion in only one way, and you’ve guessed it; My insatiable hunger for carrots and apples." +26171,0,I just had my statistics exam Needless to say that I had some mean questions. +26172,2,"Three friends in a bar One of them says to the other two, ""Yesterday I rubbed oil all over my wife's body and then made her scream for 15 mins. She loved it"" The second one says, ""That's nothing. Once I rubbed butter all over my wife and made her scream for 30 mins."" The third guy says, ""That's nothing. Once I rubbed chicken fat all over my wife and made her scream for 6 hours."" The other two guys can't believe it. They ask him how he managed to pull that off. He says, ""I wiped my hands on the bed sheet""" +26173,2,"A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist. The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out ""Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"" And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin, answers: ""No !""" +26174,0,"Driving down a road in the deep south when the car starts to make a horrible banging noise. Smoke every where and the car lurches to a stop.Get out and open the hood to inspect the damage.Right away I can see one of the pistons has made a new window in the block.Fuck..I'm thinking, I guess I'm walking. Just then a jacked up Chevy comes screaming up the road and stops. One of the good ol boys yells out to me Whats the problem with yer? I reply back, Piston broke! To which he yells back, Hell son us too, come on we'll give you a ride. " +26175,1,Damn girl are you a TV Dinner? Because you look fucking disgusting. +26176,3,"My 6 yr old daughter had a joke for me this morning that made me chuckle... Daughter: knock knock Dad: who's there? Daughter: dwayne Dad: dwayne who? Daughter: dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!" +26177,2,"Hey babe, heard you were looking for a stud. I've got the STD, now all I need is you." +26178,1,"Raisin Bread An old man walks into a bakery owned by a beautiful young lady that is known for wearing short skirts. He asks the lady for a loaf of raisin bread on the top shelf so that he can take a look up her skirt. Another man walks in and also asks for raisin bread to sneak a peak. A third man walks in and the frustrated baker asks, ""I guess yours is raisin as well?!?."" The man replies, ""No, but it's twitching a lot."" " +26179,1,"Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass." +26180,0,My grandpa hates when I leave my beanies around the house. I guess he's had e-neff +26181,1,"A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks the horse if it wants a drink (we're assuming horses wanting drinks in this bar is a regular occurrence), to which the horse replies ""I think not."" It promptly disappears. This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of *cogito ergo sum*, or *I think, therefore, I am*. Now, this concept could have been explained to the rest of the audience beforehand, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse." +26182,1,I challenge you to waste time. Done. +26183,0,What's the key to finding love? Rohypnol +26184,2,"A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him ""Bic Jesus"" Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him. This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons tour, only to find out that he hadn't sold a single ticket yet. Devastated, he took to the streets to perform and hopefully drum up some interest in his show. Everywhere he went the people would hardly look at him, no one would shake his hand, watch his performance, or even acknowledge his increasingly desperate carnival barker-esque calls for attention. No one gave any attention to his tricks, not the moving mark, the blinking blot, or the blue to black bamboozle. The magician gave up late afternoon when he got hungry and found an old man with a food cart. Frustration was visible on the magicians face so the old man asks ""what's got you down?"", the magician responds ""I've been selling out shows throughout Europe but here people won't even take 30 seconds to watch my Stupefying Signature trick, no one will shake my hand or even look at me, if I'd have known I would never have come here"". The old man smiled kindly and told him ""do not be hard on yourself, there's no way you could have known, my friend"" ""Why do you say that?"" inquired the magician? ""Because no one expects the Spanish Ink Wizard Shun""" +26185,1,"It's ridiculous that Pornhub has a share button for Google+. I mean, why would I ever let anyone know I have a Google+ account. " +26186,0,"A man dies goes to haven and sees a pepperoni A man dies goes to haven and sees a pepperoni. He’s been in haven for ten years and never seen this before. He goes to St. Peter asks “St. Peter have you seen this before? Do you know what this is?” St. Peter says “Gosh this is strange. I’ve never seen this. Let’s go to Jesus and ask him.” They go to Jesus and he says “This is really curious. I have never seen this before. Let’s go ask my mother. She knows a lot about earth and has seen many more things than me.”. They go to Virgin Mary and ask “ Virgin Mary, Virgin Mary, have you ever seen this before? Do you know what this might be?” Virgin Mary takes a look and says “Very interesting…I have a vague memory. It kind of looks just like the Holy Ghost.” " +26187,1,It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious. +26188,2,"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. " +26189,3,How does ISIS cool down in the summer time? In a blow up pool +26190,0,I went to a zoo... I went to a zoo over the weekend. There was only a dog there. It was a shitzu. +26191,0,"I called the RSPCA today and said, ""I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs"" ""That's terrible"" she replied, ""are they moving?"" ""I'm not sure"" I said, ""but that would explain the suitcase.""" +26192,4,Don't feel bad about losing your virginity ladies. At least you still have the box it came in. +26193,0,What's up with Russians? Drinks. +26194,4,My Grandfather has the heart of a lion! And a ban from the cincinnati zoo +26195,2,"Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a fourth grade class... The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious POTUS asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: ""If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."" ""No,"" said Trump, ""that would be an accident."" A little girl raised her hand: ""If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."" ""I'm afraid not,"" explained Trump. ""That's what we would call great loss."" The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room. ""Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: ""If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."" ""Fantastic!"" exclaimed Trump, ""That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"" ""Well,"" says Johnny, ""It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet candy ass it wouldn't be an accident either!""" +26196,0,"Two Black Men (Get a Job) So two black men are walking down the street in Alabama, when they see a sign that says ""White Out Services - Change Your Race NOW for only $1!"" One of the black guys has two dollars in his pocket that he found on the street, and the other brought no money with him. The men decided the guy with two dollars will go first, and then he will give his change to the other guy so he can become white After 5 minutes, the once-black man came outside. He was a pale white with blue eyes and blond hair, wearing a formal suit with pens in the shirt pocket and money in his pants. The black man says to give him money so he can become white and be treated better. The white man replies ""Get a job, nigger!""" +26197,4,"If your soulmate dies before you meet them, do you get a backup soulmate? ""I meant questions about the midterm,"" my professor replied. " +26198,2,"I think the pigeons are planning an uprising. They keep saying coup, coup, coup." +26199,4,What rhymes with orange Wait. No it doesn’t +26200,0,Why did Pink Floyd compare Donald Trump to Walter Ulbricht? All in all he‘s just another prick with a wall. +26201,0,Why shouldn't you go to the beach when there is a hurricane? Because beaches be crazy. +26202,0,"I'm teaching my child about seatbelts So far, he has a firm grasp of the subject, but we are still waiting for some things to click into place." +26203,0,I met this girl while I was in prison. She’s my Guantanamo Bae. +26204,1,Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. +26205,4,I can't believe my back is killing me. My spine has some nerve. +26206,2,What did the deaf hooker get for her birthday? Hearing aids +26207,0,"Do not drive while playing Pokemon Go! There's a reason why they're called pokestops, not poke drive-bys." +26208,0,What did the beaver say when he saw the river? Dam. +26209,0,What do you call really good tea? Qualitea. +26210,2,I can count on one hand the number of times i went to Chernobyl. 13 +26211,5,RIP boiling water You will be mist. +26212,3,What do you call a group of Mexican racists? The Que Que Que! +26213,2,A twelve year old is watching ghostbusters 2 for the first time with his father. Kid : Dad what's that? Dad : A walkman Kid : and that? Dad : A dark room for devoloping photos. Kid : and those? Dad : The twin towers. +26214,0,How did Will Smith order extra food at a Korean restaurant? He told the waiter he was gettin jjigae wit it. +26215,0,What do you say to an executioner who has forgotten his axe? Didn't you plan ahead?! +26216,3,It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Because they always take things literally. +26217,4,"A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, ""Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."" ""Then why are you so sad?"" her mother asked. ""Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."" Her mother replied, ""Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."" " +26218,5,A good looking young woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre So he gives it to her +26219,1,What do you call a cow laying down? Ground beef. +26220,2,What's the square root of 69? 8 something +26221,0,I think my parents have a new passion for DIY They're banging and screwing all over the place +26222,5,"A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the young doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming and yelling. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and asked her to wait in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” he demanded. “That woman is 68 years old, she has two adult children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”" +26223,0,"Relativity joke (most won't get) A cop stops a driver for driving a red light. In court, the man claims: ""the light looked green to me"", so they charged him for speeding" +26224,4,"How many ""Suh dudes"" does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None.. Cause it's already Lit fam." +26225,2,"A question of chromosomes, don't ask him Y A prince out for a ride in his carriage caught sight of a man who looked very much like him. He called the man over and asked him curiously, “Tell me, was your mother ever in the service at the palace?” Holding himself very straight, the commoner replied, “No, your majesty. But my father was.”" +26226,1,Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark? Your pinkie toe. +26227,6,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She replied, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 6663629.""" +26228,2,Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision. Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would +26229,1,What's the difference between the US Election and sex? In sex it's fun to choose between a cunt and an asshole. +26230,8,Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence. +26231,8,"Do cats stutter? A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ""Human beings are the only animals that stutter"", she says. A little girl raises her hand ""I had a kitty-cat who stuttered"", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ""Well"", she began, ""I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"" ""That must've been scary"", said the teacher. ""It sure was"", said the little girl. ""My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!""" +26232,0,I lost the cap to my water bottle No kap +26233,3,A plateau is the highest form of flattery. That's it... +26234,0,What do you call British virgins? Assless chapes +26235,3,Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him. I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder. +26236,1,"An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model. The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 142 mph. He tried again and again. On the 19th time, he had the bright idea of making it snail shaped. He came up with the design, tried it, and got a whopping 587 mph. He exclaimed, ""Look at that S Car go!""" +26237,4,Why is Hellen Keller bad at driving? Because she's dead. +26238,2,I've just published a book on poltergeists. It's flying off the shelves. +26239,0,What did the offended alpaca say to the other alpaca? Alpacain kill you. +26240,0,"The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. ""Yes,"" he says. ""My daddy taught me."" ""Can you tell me what comes after three?"" ""Four,"" answers little Johnny. ""What comes after six?"" ""Seven,"" answers little Johnny. ""Very good,"" says the teacher. ""Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?"" ""A jack,"" answers little Johnny." +26241,0,What does jigglypuff have that the UK doesn't? A rising pound. +26242,0,a man walks into a bar He gets a concussion. +26243,2,"A man told me to to put an erect penis in my ear. I have to admit, it sounded hard" +26244,0,Can I tell you a joke about books? J.K. Rowling! +26245,0,Japanese gamers in online games are so full of positivity No matter how much I fuck up they always tell me to shine +26246,0,"I checked out a new bakery today was Shocked by how racist they were! Then again, I suppose the name should have tipped me off. **KKKAKES**" +26247,1,"There's a man who can't get out of bed before noon. No matter how hard he tries, or how early he gets to sleep, he just cannot get out of bed before noon. For twenty years, his wife puts up with him until she suddenly dies in a freak accident. The man meets a nurse at the ER who is also going through a life tragedy and they fall for each other, hard. They start dating that evening, and by the time of the funeral they've been married at the courthouse and are heading out on their honeymoon right after the service. The man's ex-mother-in-law is *furious*! ""How can you be so cold?"", she asks. ""I guess I'm just not a mourning person!""" +26248,0,"My girlfriend is like a Chipmunk... She's tiny, fluffy, and has a horrible voice." +26249,0,"Whats your wife's anus and a nine volt battery got in common? You know its wrong, but sooner or later your going to touch it with your tongue. " +26250,2,Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted? Diversion Mary +26251,0,I knew my wife and I weren't gonna work out... She's a Sagittarius. And I'm a cunt. +26252,0,"So a Spoon and a Doorknob walk into a pub The Spoon sits down on one side of the table the Doorknob on the other. The waiter comes over introduces himself and gives them both a menu. Looking around nervously the waiter bends down close between the two. ""So it's like this!"" The waiter whispers ""The manager is a horse, so whatever you do don't sneeze!"" Puzzled as to what the correlation between sneezing and horses is, the Spoon and Doorknob exchange confused glances with the waiter. ""What?"" The Spoon pipes up. The waiter looks around again checking to make sure nobody is within ear shot. ""The manager is a horse.."" The Spoon and the Doorknob stare blankly, massively confused and slightly agitated now. ""We get.. that the manager is a horse!"" The Doorknob spits through gritted teeth. ""So don't sneeze!"" The waiter chimes back. flabbergasted at the shear ignorance of the waiter the Spoons temper gets the best of him. Yelling and spitting he tears into the waiter. ""Okay dumbass! We goddamn understand the manager is a ####ing horse! We ####ing get that we shouldn't mother####ing sneeze! But how in the sweet ####ing holy heart of Mary? Are the those two things related!"" Slumping back in his seat he patiently awaits the answer, as does the Doorknob. ""Really?.."" the waiter says. ""Sometimes things just don't make sense..""" +26253,4,I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd. It was here a minute ago +26254,2,"The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation" +26255,6,"Two scientists walk into a restaurant The first one says, ""I'll have a glass of H2O"". The second one says, ""I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"" The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed." +26256,2,Why do deaf people never swear? Because they always watch their language. +26257,0,You know what they call Mussolini in Japan? Mussorini +26258,2,"An elderly woman was talking to her daughter. ""I really miss your father,"" she said, ""I'm still in love with him even though he's been gone so long."" The daughter says, ""I've always been a little fuzzy on the details of how he died, Mom."" ""Well let me tell you,"" she said. ""We used to make love every Sunday morning."" ""Why Sunday?"" asked the daughter. ""We used to make love to the rhythm of the church bells: in when in it dings, out when in it dongs."" ""What does that have to do with Dad dying?"" asked the daughter. ""Well, he'd still be with us,"" she said, ""if it weren't for that ice cream truck.""" +26259,1,"A husband and wife have another awful argument, The wife calls her mother. “I can't handle this anymore mom! I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”" +26260,4,"Fly Southwest Airlines A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked , ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’ The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’ The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?’ The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’ ‘Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.’" +26261,0,"Little Jimmy was failing in Math class Little Jimmy was failing in Math class and his dad was getting fed up. Multiple school tutors and repeated groundings weren't working so his dad decides to enroll him at the local Catholic school hoping that a private school education would do the trick. A month later Little Jimmy comes running home from his new school with a paper in his hand. ""Dad! I got an A on my math test!!"" Amazed and full of joy, his father grabs the paper and looks at it with surprise. ""This is amazing son, I'm in shock! I guess a private Catholic education was the answer but tell me, what specifically changed?"" ""Well Dad, to be honest I didn't care to try hard at my old school and they never really pushed me. Being grounded wasn't that bad either. But, once I walked into my new school I saw a guy nailed to a plus sign on the wall so I knew they meant business.""" +26262,0,[OC] What do Mexican kindergartners do on the last Friday of every month? Car show and Cartel +26263,1,You want to know how to make a dumb person curious? Person 2: no how? +26264,7,"I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position Apparently that's ""misconduct"" for a special needs teacher." +26265,0,"[Long] A bump in the night.... Julia knew she was smart. She was one of those clever children, the kind of child who figures out early on that parents aren’t all-powerful and all-knowing. The first time she realized this was when she got scared. There had been a noise in her room, coming from under her bed, or from the closet. Julia ran down the hall, crying, “Mommy! Daddy!” “What’s wrong, honey?” “I huh-heard a m-monster,” Julia glubbed. She expected them to comfort her, or roll their eyes, or get annoyed. Instead, they jumped up immediately and raced to her bedroom, where they checked under the bed, inspected the closet, and tested the window lock. They poked, prodded, and scoured every inch. Julia caught on quickly. She knew what they were doing. By taking her fears seriously, they were showing their little girl that she was safe and loved. They had probably read about it in some book. But the lesson Julia learned was that she had power. Thereafter, waking her parents became a nightly event. Julia would scream and cry, they would rush to her bedroom, and Julia would hide her grin behind tears. But not once did they ever complain. One night she could stand it no longer, and she burst out laughing when Daddy fell down while examining the light fixture, as if a monster could fit up there. “What’s so funny?” he asked, rubbing his backside. “You,” Julia smirked. “You always believe me.” Daddy wasn’t angry. He just looked at Mommy. “Once,” he said quietly, “just once, we didn’t believe your brother.” And Julia, an only child, did not sleep well that night." +26266,0,Ant and Dec An English girl once said to me 'I always get mixed up with Ant and Dec. I know which one is Ant but I can never remember which one is Dec'. True story. +26267,0,Earth was created 4 billion years ago. But then where did humans live 4.1 billion years ago? +26268,4,"In jail I had a cell mate who was there for barnyard sodomy,but the judge knocked it down to horseplay." +26269,2,"Teacher: Ok class, can anyone tell me what 'analogy' is? Student: Analogy is something that makes you sneeze." +26270,4,"Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.” The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.” The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.” They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”" +26271,0,"I was attending an economics lecture... ...and the professor was giving an example of an excise tax: ""...tires have an excise tax that varies from state to state. Illinois, for example, has a flat excise tax of $25 per tire."" I don't know, but that seems a little inflated." +26272,2,"I used to not like having cancer that much, But now it's starting to grow on me." +26273,0,I met a Wheelchair user yesterday. He's a stand up guy. +26274,3,What does Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people. +26275,0,What do you call a homosexual drive by? A fruit roll up. +26276,2,I suffer from OCD. Or CDO if you put it in alphabetical order. +26277,2,People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar. +26278,2,What do you call an STI that you get without having sex? Immaculate infection +26279,1,Last week I performed for a one armed man.. He was a right miserable bastard. Seriously. I threw my absolute best at him and the fucker still wouldn't clap. +26280,1,Blind people are really empathetic They feel everything +26281,3,I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself... I really should get a dog… +26282,0,"An Italian, a German and a Redneck An Italian, a German and a Redneck are on a plane to Paris. They land and get off. The shuttle takes them to the Eiffel tower. The Italian, amazed says: Che bello! The German, impressed to tears says: Aber das ist Wunderbar!!! The redneck looks at the Eiffel Tower and says: Well, I'll be fucked, that's mighty purtty!" +26283,4,My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank. They caught him drinking on the job. +26284,7,"Quick question... How much of this ""No More Tears"" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?" +26285,6,Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM. On the dot. +26286,3,What do you call a Latin popstar with big nipples? Areola Grande +26287,1,How do you tell the difference between an extroverted engineer and introverted engineer? The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he's talking to you. +26288,0,"Not big into resolutions, but I buy a paper calendar every year... This year after struggling to open the plastic cover on the calendar in front of my wife and child for five minutes, I ran into the other room, grabbed a knife, and slashed and stabbed the back of the calendar. I like to buy calendars with pictures of beaches and islands. " +26289,0,Yo mama is so easy even a caveman could do her. +26290,2,"[NSFW] A married couple was walking down the street.. A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, ""Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."" So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night. When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his ""thing."" The alien looked down and said, ""Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."" And he hit his head twice and ""it"" grew at least two feet. The woman said ""Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."" So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives. The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, ""How was it?"" The wife replied, ""Great!"" The man said, ""Well, for some strange reason the alien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, ""It's broken! It's broken!""" +26291,1,I dreamt a very real dream where I got sexual reassignment surgery done by a ghost doctor. It was a trans-lucid dream +26292,1,The Devil went down to Georgia . . . And obviously reneged on his deal with Falcons fans. +26293,3,"A new bar owner A younger guy decides to open a bar. He's not confident, being a younger guy with little experience. One of the first days his place is open, an older gentleman enters and takes a seat at the bar. The young owner and the older gentleman start talking, and after a while the older man tells the young owner he was a bartender for 40 years. The young man is impressed and asks if he has any tips or tricks the older guy can share with him. The older guy says he doesnt know anything like that, but he can teach him how to make his favorite drink. The young man agrees, happy for any help he can get. The older guy says, ""I call this drink 'tin roof.'"" and goes on to list ingredients and how to properly mix them. The young man makes the drink and serves it to the older man. He drinks it and says, ""You should be proud of this, this is a great tin roof."" Then the older guy gets up to leave. The young owner stops him and says, ""You need to pay for the drink. I dont know how to price it, but the liquors involved add up to $6."" The older man refuses. The young owner says, ""Just because you showed me how to make it doesnt mean you get it for free."" ""Don't you know what a 'tin roof' is son?"" says the older man. The young owner confused, replies, ""you just showed me how to make it, what do you mean?"" The older man says, ""son, a 'tin roof' is on the house.""" +26294,2,A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls... ...So now he has fiber optics. +26295,0,Who's the most musical Presidential duo ever? Trump-Pence +26296,5,My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much. +26297,2,I went shopping for cherries and a microphone. Bought a bing bought a boom +26298,0,Roses are red.... Roses are red Violets are red The bushes are red My garden's on fire +26299,5,"A young rooster A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: ""You deserved it, you horny bastard!"" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land.""" +26300,1,"What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common? Chances are, both have blown a seal" +26301,2,I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance... I heard she knows how to get down +26302,0,"In America... You make mistake. In Soviet russia, mistake make you." +26303,1,I just heard where the most common country to get bit by a bird is. Crow\\-ate\\-ya +26304,7,What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon +26305,1,Which country likes surveys the most? Poll-land +26306,2,"Be warned, if you are in the shower, I may Pikachu. But, it's only 'cause I'm trying to see the Jigglypuffs." +26307,1,They say innocence is always found in the children. This has only made it more difficult for me to understand why so many pedophiles are found guilty. +26308,2,"A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar The bartender sighs and says; ""I'll serve you, but don't start anything!""" +26309,0,"What did the chicken say to the farmer Nothing, chickens don't speak English." +26310,0,"I saw my grandmother today... She's a real busy body so I'd decided to go help her out. She was looking quite pale so I said ""gosh gram you're not looking so good today."" She waves her hand and replies "" I know! I died 3 days ago but I haven't had a chance to lay down.""" +26311,2,"My Socials Teacher just posted this long Potato Pun A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, And finally they got married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they Called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Peter Mansbridge. Peter Mansbridge! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Peter Mansbridge Because he's just....... COMMONTATER" +26312,1,What do people use to conceal themselves in the desert? Camelflage +26313,3,"Old Friends in Silent Pub Two old friends, Johnny and Steve, who haven't seen each in 20 years bump into each other on the street. Steve:""Johnny? Wow must be 20 years at least!"" Johnny:""Yes I would think so. Nice to see you. Hey I'm off to the pub want to join me and we can talk."" Steve:""Sure, we sure have a lot to talk about"" Johnny:""Great follow me. I've been coming to this pub everyday for the last 15 or so years. We all know each other."" They get to the bar and its full of old men. 60, 70 80 years old some look 100. the chairs and tables are as old as they are. The place is dead quiet. Nobody is saying a word. Until one old guy yells out ""21"" And everyone laughs, then the place comes quiet again. 5 minutes go by and another old timer yells out ""48"" and everyone laughs Steve:""Hey Johnny what in the world is going on here? People just yells out random number and people start to laugh"" Johnny:""ah, ya. well we've been coming here for so long that we've heard all the jokes, so instead of going through the pain of telling the joke we've just numbered them. it makes it easier"" Steve then gets curious. Steve:""Mind if I give it a try?"" Johnny:""go ahead"" Steve yells out ""124!"" and everyone in the bar start to laugh extremely hard. old guys rolling off the floor, guys crying of laughter, other are laughing so hard they're having cramps, including Steve.. this goes on for 10 minutes. Steve:""tell me Johnny what is going on, I've never seen laughter like this ever. What did I say?"" Johnny:""Omg"" has he's trying to catch his breath. ""We've never heard that one before"" " +26314,1,"Yesterday I went to the gym, so I could look like Chris Hemsworth. This morning I woke up and all my muscles were Thor..." +26315,0,My fridge looks like a pool Lots of water and some kids +26316,4,"IT Students An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?” The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’” The first student says, “So I took the bike”. The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”." +26317,3,"How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to actually screw it in, and one to hold the ~~penis.~~ Edit: Ladder. One to hold the ladder. " +26318,0,"An arab walks into a bar. As he enters he sees a man with a jewish haistyle so he assumes he's jewish. Then he shouts: ""Drink for everyone expect that jew!"" But the jew just smiles at him and shouts: ""thanks!"". So the arab gets angry and orders another drink for everyone expect the jew. But the jew just smiles at him again and shouts: ""thanks!"". So the arab gets even more angry and orders yet another drink for everyone expect the jew. When the jew does the same thing as before, the arab asks the bearman: ""Is that man crazy? I orded 3 drinks for everyone expect him and he just smiles and thanks me. And the barman answers: ""No, he is the owner of this bar." +26319,0,Why did the Easter Bunny hide her eggs? She didn't want everyone to know she was having sex with a chicken! +26320,2,"So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early... ...and he catches his wife in bed with another man. In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead. He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in. The next day when his best friends visits him in his cell he breaks down. ""I can't believe what I've done. I feel terrible."" His buddy looks at him and says ""hey man, I know things look bad now but they could always be worse."" ""What the hell are you talking about, man? Two people are dead, I might get the electric chair! My life's over"" he lamented. ""Yeah that's all true, but things could still be worse."" ""Why are you tormenting my like this?"" ""Well,"" his friend began, ""had you come home the day before you'd have gotten me too!"" 《Credit to Freddie Gibbs for the joke》" +26321,5,"If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos? Because scissoring just doesn't cut it." +26322,3,"A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio... Suddenly the radio starts booming: “Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.” The man, staring at the radio with a confused expression thinks to himself “One? There are hundreds of them!”" +26323,3,"True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train) Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers ""You know we live in Australia right? Why do you Islams continue to dress like that?"" Lady just looks at him wierd, rips off her head gear and says ""You know we live in Melbourne right...I'm not Muslim, I'm cold, you f***** idiot"" then walks off." +26324,2,What's a masturbator's favorite type of weather? Jack-it weather! +26325,0,What is it when a St. Bernard steps in your Vietnamese soup? A huge pho paw +26326,1,I am going to become a comedian for goldfish. Just need one joke that lasts 7 seconds. +26327,0,I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 2 years... I tell them I don’t have 2020 vision. Credit goes to /bushdiid911 +26328,0,"Shower thought: the only difference between Donald Trump and a giraffe is... ahhhhh, who the hell flushed the toilet?" +26329,1,Sarah Palin is getting a new outdoor TV show on the Sportsman Channel. The first show will feature her in a river deciding to row vs. wade. +26330,0,We were so poor that.... we had to jack off the dogs to feed the cats +26331,0,"What do you call one of Santa's helpers who bosses around the reindeer? Rude-elf. ----------------- When he found out, Santa shouldn't have gotten mad, he only had his elf to blame. Now Santa won't forgive him until elf freezes over." +26332,1,What's the most douchebag thing to do? Taking a shower with you backpack +26333,2,Why did the dolphin go to the dentist? He had an appointment. +26334,1,"Just bought one of these new Brexit calculators.. ..nothing seems to add up, it just takes away and does division " +26335,6,"All we need now is for someone to come forward and say EA has been sexually harassing them Actually, that applies to all of us. They've been fucking us for years." +26336,5,How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex ? Call her and tell her about it. +26337,0,"The Romans once said ""All roads lead to Rome"" Much like how the Nazi's said ""All railroads lead to Auschwitz""" +26338,3,"A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Patrick P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing." +26339,0,"When I'm on a date, ... I like to tell the girl that ""I'm available for a limited time only* In hopes that her shopping instincts will kick in." +26340,1,"So three men hop onto an airplane flying above their country... The first man says throws down a gold star and says ""I live in the greatest country in the world, I love my country!"" The second man throws down a silver star and says ""I'm so fortunate to live in this wonderful land, I love my country!"" The third man throws down a bomb and says ""Curse this horrible country, I hate my country!"" Each man lands. The first man sees a little boy crying and asks him what's wrong. The little boy says ""My grandpa got hit in the head with a gold star and he now has a horrible bump on his head!"" The first man feels bad and walks away. The second man sees a little boy crying and asks him what's wrong. The little boy says ""My grandpa got hit in the head with a silver star and it left a giant gash!"" The second man feels bad and walks away. The third man lands and sees a little boy laughing hysterically, and he asks him what's so funny. The little boy responds ""My grandpa farted and he blew up the house!""" +26341,1,Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31 +26342,2,I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals. He’s a hippo-crit. +26343,1,How did I escape Iraq? Iran +26344,1,"The monks and the sound A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, ""My car broke down. Do you think i could stay the night?"" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what that sound was, but they say, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk."" The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk."" The man says, ""All right, all right. I'm \\*dying\\* to know. If the only way i can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do i become a monk?"" The monks reply, ""You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."" The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, ""I have travelled the earth and found what you have asked for. There are 145236284232 blades of grass and 231281219999129382 sand pebbles on the earth."" The monks reply, ""Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the wa to the sound."" The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, ""The sound is right behind that door."" The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, ""Real funny. May i have the key?"" The monk gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door there is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monk say, ""This is the last key to the last door."" The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But i can't tell you what it is, becouse you're not a monk. ​ ​ This is not mine, i just saw it and had to share it. I dont know the autor, the original one i saw had no credit." +26345,1,Have you seen the movie constipation? No? That's cause it's not out yet +26346,2,"A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs... Blew my mind, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he was a barber! " +26347,2,"What's the difference between a scientist and a gay man? If you put a scientist near a cave man it's a homo-erectus, put a gay man near a caveman and it's a erect homo." +26348,0,Happy Yeaster!!! From the makers of Monistat. +26349,1,"My wife agreed to have anal sex with me so long as I dressed up as a canoeist. 2 minutes into it and the wife started crying, she turned round to me and snarled ""I'm really disappointed that I gave this to you and you've made no effort with the costume whatsoever"" It was at this point that I realised I was up shit creek without a paddle" +26350,0,I can already imagine Elton John in surgery - Elton: 'Don't go breaking my arse!' Doctor: 'I couldn't if I tried!' +26351,4,"Why didn't Kim Jong Un cry when he heard his half brother, Kim Jong Nam, had been killed? Because the news was unbereaveable." +26352,1,"What should you say to comfort a grammar Nazi? “There, their, they’re.”" +26353,1,Have you heard about North African culture? It's Amazigh. +26354,1,What do you call a computer with an amazing singing voice? A Dell. +26355,1,What is homeless person sex like? In tents +26356,7,"Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband shouted , ""I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."" So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ""Come on in."" When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, ""Are you the people that broke my window?"" ""Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,"" the husband replied. ""Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."" ""Wow, that's great!"" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ""I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."" ""No problem,"" said the genie. ""You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"" ""And now you, young lady, what do you want?"" the genie asked. ""I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"" she said. ""Consider it done,"" the genie said. ""And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"" ""And now,"" the couple asked in unison, ""what's your wish, genie?"" ""Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."" The husband looked at his wife and said, ""honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ""You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"" ""You know I love you sweetheart,"" said the husband. ""I'd do the same for you!"" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie looked directly into her eyes and asked, ""How old are you and your husband?"" ""Why, we're both 35,"" she responded breathlessly. genie smiles– Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" +26357,1,Well if there's one thing we can all agree on regarding tomorrow's inauguration ... Orange is the new Black +26358,1,Did you hear the joke about the construction worker? It was very riveting. +26359,3,"A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem. The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might be easier than they thought. The ME starts by cutting the man wide open and begins to remove his organs, handing them to the ex-carpenter to bag and label: heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys, everything. By this point the ex-carpenter is flecked with blood and viscera and looks pale and sickly. Eventually, the ME comes to the brain. He pulls out a bone-saw the length of his arm and begins unceremoniously hacking away at the man’s skull, chunks of flesh and bone fly wild and by this point the ex-carpenter is covered in blood. The ME is having real trouble with the skull, he’s been sawing for minutes now and the ex-carpenter is physically shaking, the blood vessels popping in his neck and forehead, his knuckles clenched white. Finally he lets out a scream and wrestles the saw from the ME’s hands, but before the detectives can congratulate each other the ex-carpenter takes the saw to the man’s skull and bellows: LET THE SAW DO THE WORK!" +26360,2,How does the Terminator lose weight? By counting Kylereese. +26361,10,"Men's Helpline Men's Helpline ""Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"" ""Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?""" +26362,1,"There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings. They are referred to as ""nomads.""" +26363,0,"Science! A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number." +26364,0,How are companies who make AAA games and redditors who repost content similar? They're both beggars +26365,0,I asked a roofer if he had two $10's to break my $20... He only had shingles. +26366,1,What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink? The fun guy +26367,0,"A grandchild is visiting his grandfather The youth of today relies too much on modern technology. Complains the man. No, you really too much on technology! The boy replies. And pulls out his life support." +26368,1,My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue. I think he should just pick one and stick with it. +26369,2,My grandpa had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. +26370,5,"A man goes for confession ... The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “ " +26371,0,How do germs figure out the temperature? They measure in Cell-sius. +26372,1,Albert got a rash after he visited the brothel. He had an Al orgy. +26373,2,My orgy last night was a big disappointment. Nobody came. +26374,7,"A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, ""Do you have water?"" The Jewish man replied, ""I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."" The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! ""OK,"" said the old Jewish man, ""It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."" Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........""Your brother won't let me in without a tie!""" +26375,5,What's Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft +26376,6,"Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back." +26377,0,What makes Warsaw such a shiny city? Mostly because it has a lot of polish. +26378,0,I Want to Learn to Play the Organ But I fear it's just a pipe dream +26379,0,"Not many people know that the Grim Reaper has been known by many different names throughout history. Such as, Reaper of Death, Reaper, Grum Reaprar, Grimet du Repest, Reapear, Reapart and Reaponte. In special circumstances, Reapast. But never, under any conditions, Reapost." +26380,1,How do you make a cheese puff? Chase it around the block. +26381,2,USA elected a billionaire that is appointing other billionaires to fix the system that made them billionaires I laughed so hard thinking about this on the dinner table +26382,2,"Kevin is woken up for school. Kevin is woken up by his mother. ""Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"" ""But mom, I don't want to get up."" ""No, you're getting up now, no excuses."" ""Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."" ""First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"" *Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*" +26383,3,"In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II “Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets. He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks. “I meant another Nicolas!” The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”" +26384,2,"Two Mohels and a Vicar are playing cards So, two mohels and a vicar are playing a game of cards. And somewhere along the way, they get into an argument -- as they always did -- about who among the three should host dinner that night. You see, they're all very passionate dinner hosts. One of the mohels says ""You should come to my house, I have the most beautiful house in the village!"" The other mohel says ""No, you should come to my house. I am the best chef in the village."" Then the vicar goes ""No, you should both come to my house. I have the best wine!"" This bickering goes on for about 20 minutes, until finally in the heat of the moment, the vicar yells ""Very well! We shall decide who the host his, with the cards."" ""So it shall be god's will."" says one of the mohels. And so, they all start playing. It's an intense game. Many mind tricks, bluffs, everyone plays to the top of their abilities. An hour passes. Two. Then in the third hour, the vicar lays down his cards to the dismay of both of the mohels. A royal flush. Both the mohels were practically blown away. The perfect hand! ""Impossible!"" says one. ""It is god's will."" the other shrugs. ""Then so you shall come to my house!"" said the vicar, pleased with his luck.. And to the vicar, went the mohels" +26385,0,"John Cougar Mellencamp's first ever rough draft of 'Hurts so Good' was recently leaked... ""I long for those young boy days with a girl like you... But not you specifically. Got a sister?""" +26386,0,"Three girls are trapped in a room Their are three girls stuck in a room , A B and C but they are being interrogated by the FBI and there all guilty and they have to escape Girl A screams EARTHQUAKE and gets away the FBI wonder where she went and continued Girl B screams TORNADO and gets away again the FBI continue Girl C screams FIRE She got shot" +26387,0,"Two Americans and a jihadi terrorist are on a plane Two Americans and a jihadi terrorist are on a plane flying over the US. The first American says ""I love America"" and flicks a dime out the window. The second American says ""I love America"" and flicks a quarter out the window. The terrorist says ""Ay haete Ahmehricah"" and throws a bomb out the window. Later that day the first American is walking around and sees a little boy crying. ""Little boy, why are you crying?"" he asks. The boy responds ""A dime fell out of the sky and hit my dad and now he's dead."" The American feels terrible, pats the boy on the head, and continues on his way. The second American is walking around and also sees a little boy crying. ""Little boy, why are you crying?"" he asks. The boy responds ""A quarter fell out of the sky and hit my dad and now he's dead."" The American feels terrible, pats the boy on the head, and continues on his way. The terrorist is walking around and comes across a little boy laughing. ""Leetal boy, vy ahre yooh lahfing?"" ""I farted at the table and the house blew up.""" +26388,3,To whoever stole my neon green sneakers You can run but you can't hide +26389,1,"Hugh Hefner was actually a big proponent of Elon Musk when he was alive. He first heard about Space-X on the radio. ""Space sex?"" he asked. ""Sign me the fuck up!""" +26390,3,What does the farmer say to the cows at night? It’s pasture bedtime. +26391,1,Tried to make a joke in my math class and no one laughed. I think they were 2/10's. +26392,2,"Magic Beer A guy guy goes in to a bar. One other guy sits at the bar and the bartender. The guy downs his beer and says how delicious it was. ""Whatcha drinking?"" ""I'm glad you asked me!"" he winks at the bartender, who rolls his eyes. ""It's Magic Beer"" ""Bullshit..."" The guy at the bar stands up, straightens his tie, walks over to the open window behind them, and jumps out. Flies around a few buildings, walks back in the front door and sits back down. ""OMG! I want what he's having!"" The bartender had already drawn a beer, shaking his head handed it over. The guy dri ks it down, walks to the same window, and jumps. Falls straight to the ground. Bartender says, ""You're a real dick when you drink, Clark.""" +26393,2,Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition... ...and finds he has vastly misunderstood the objective. +26394,0,What do you call a doll of Ariana Grande? Ariana pequeño. +26395,0,Religion must be the opiate of the masses... I went to church with my catholic grandmother and I was nodding off the entire time. +26396,2,Two thristy aliens landed on my keyboard They were looking for the space bar +26397,0,A catastrophe Would be a cat arse trophy +26398,0,How do you know you've been making too many jokes? When the wordplay becomes wordwork. +26399,4,Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise. +26400,1,"I've heard it said that a good joke should punch up, not down. I disagree. I think good humor punches everyone, in all directions, with the blind and reckless fury of an Irishman who just found out his daughter is getting married." +26401,2,"A guy goes to his psychiatrist . . . And he tells him, ""doc, something is wrong with me. Every night I fall asleep and I am awakened by one of two alternating dreams; one night I'm a teepee, and the next night I'm a wigwam. You gotta help me, doc, it's driving me crazy!"" The doctor thinks for a minute, then looks up at the man and says, ""you're two tents.""" +26402,2,"Peters first date with Stacey was going well. As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Stacey made an announcement ""I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you $50.00."" ""Well,"" Peter shot back. ""I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back to your house it will cost you $100.00.""" +26403,2,"A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert. Lumberjack says yeah it is now." +26404,7,"The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, ""Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."" ""You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude,"" he replies. ""You must be a Democrat."" ""I am. How did you know?"" ""Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."" ""You must be a Republican."" ""Yes. How did you know?"" ""You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."" (Old but gold) " +26405,1,[Calculus Joke] Why didn't the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach? Because secant tan +26406,0,"How do you pick up a girl that has a pee fetish? On a scale of 1 to 10, urinate." +26407,0,"Why did the shoe collector move to Boston? Because he had a ""massive shoe set""" +26408,0,How do you spell racism towards asian ? Ricism +26409,0,"My Spanish friend, Cinco, asked me to describe what my golf party was like. I responded, ""It was a 1234,5.""" +26410,1,Timing!! What is the key to temporal humor? +26411,3,"Little snail was beaten up by the turtles... The snail's father asked him: ""What happened?"" ""I don't know... It all happened so fast...""" +26412,2,"“Leroy, sit down!” A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... ""WOW,"" the social worker exclaims, ""Are they ALL YOURS???"" ""Yep they are all mine,"" the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ""Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats. ""Well,"" says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."" ""This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."" ""OK, and who's this one?"" Well, this one he is Leroy, also."" The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! ""All right..."" says the caseworker, ""I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"" Their Momma replied, ""Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."" The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ""But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"" ""Ah, that's so easy,"" said the momma. ""Then I calls them by their last names.""" +26413,1,"A horse starts a band A horse starts a band with some of his friends from the farm. The horse became the singer, the pig became the drummer and, one of the cows was a guitarist and the sheep was one too. One day the horse found a nice woman (a horse too) and after a while they got married. After that the band gets so popular that they are asked to go to London and perform their. So they pack their instruments and go on the plane to London but the horse is stoped. The man tells the horse that his wife is in labor. So he rushed to the hospital and enters the lobby. He is stoped and is told his baby and his wife died. He sits in the lobby sad but another man tells him that the plane his band was on crashed. So he did what any horse would do. He goes to the bar a site down and the bar tender says why the long face. " +26414,2,"Involuntary muscle contraction Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscle Contraction” to his first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?” She replied, “I don’t know, probably golfing with his buddies.”" +26415,4,"MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist. CIA rolls in with a thousand operators, detains a number of squirrels in secret torture hotels within the forest and feeds general disarray within the region in order to flush out the rabbit. After a month, they get the US Navy and Air Force to initiate a joint operation in the area, reducing the entire forest to ash. The CIA laments the destabilisation and destruction of the local animal society, but concludes that at least the dangerous rabbit has been eliminated. Finally, two FSB officers walk into their forest. After an hour, they walk back out and drag to the press conference a dazed, badly beaten bear, who is looking off camera and repeating: ""I am a rabbit. My mother and father were rabbits...""" +26416,2,"I hate these double standards! If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut, but if a man does the same thing... ...He's gay. Definitely gay." +26417,0,Why was USSR a good place for an education? They had the best Marx! +26418,0,"I've started respecting myself so much I feel like a celeb Last time I went to the doctor and he asked me how I felt, I replied with ""No Comment""" +26419,2,I don't get why people love a mother's cooking. 9 months in the oven and you came out awful. +26420,2,"Blood is thicker than water I just reply, ""So is horse shit and I try to steer clear of that as well.""" +26421,1,"Two guys stand at the urinals in a downtown hotel, one white and one black. The white guy has always wondered if the stories about black guys and their huge package is true so he sneaks a peak over at the guy next to him, despite himself he lets out a little gasp seeing that the guy's dick is white! The black guy turns to him with a quizzical expression on his face? The white guy decides to just come clean and explain his curiosity but follows up by saying ""I've never seen a black guy with a white dick before"" The other guy turns to him and says ""I'm not black, I'm a coal miner on honeymoon.""" +26422,6,"Marriage joke My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”" +26423,0,"What did the Rabbi say to the other Rabbi as they entered the orphanage? ""Let us prey."" " +26424,1,How does Harry Potter get downhill? Walking. +26425,3,"A midget with a speech impediment A midget with a speech impediment goes to buy a Horse,""I want a female horth""he said to the dealer, The dealer shows him a mare. ""Nithe horth.""can I thee her eyes? the dealer picks him up shows him her eyes . ""can i see her twot?"" he pulls open the mares pussy, picks him up and shows him it . The midget says""i'll reefaze that,can i thee her wun awound?""" +26426,2,19 and 20 are playing a game of Blackjack 21 +26427,0,Who's Apple's most famous employee? Melkor. +26428,2,"This joke is like cancer. Some of you will get it. Some of you won't. Either way, you won't be laughing." +26429,0,What starts with 'c' and ends with 'unt' and means 'a large pussy'? Catamount +26430,5,"What if breast implants were made of maple or oak? That would be weird, wooden tit?" +26431,2,"What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Idk, but the flags a big plus!" +26432,2,"Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try." +26433,0,"Why can't Edward, an NSA leaker and whistleblower, leave Russia? He's always snowed in." +26434,2,"The Aussie and Texan A Texan had flown to Australia to see his cousins farm. As the Texan arrives he remarks, ""Wow you call the little thing a truck, Over in Texas our trucks are three times as big"" the Aussie farmer, standing next to ute shrugs and starts to show the Texan around. As they a reach paddock with bulls in it the Texan says, ""Gee you call those long horns? Over in Texas our bulls horns a meter across both ways"" the Aussie shrugs and continues the tour. While going to the next part of the tour a mob of kangaroos run out from the bush and across their path. The Texan shouts, ""What in tarnation are they!"". The Aussie farmer turns to the Texan and says, ""What? you don't have grasshoppers and Texas?!" +26435,0,What is Lil Wayne's favorite food? Caesar salad +26436,7,"What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog. " +26437,0,How can eggs lose their weight? EGGxercise +26438,2,I'm from the DNA association National dyslexic association +26439,0,I like my women like how I like my coffee Ground up and put in my basement. +26440,2,"A priest is called away for an emergency... Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says ""Father, forgive me for I have sinned."" Priest: ""What did you do?"" Man: ""I committed adultery."" Priest: ""How many times?"" Man: ""Three times."" Priest: ""Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."" The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" Rabbi: ""What did you do?"" Woman: ""I committed adultery."" Rabbi: ""How many times?"" Woman: ""Once."" Rabbi: ""Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."" " +26441,1,"Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World! ...If it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? " +26442,4,"How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ""13....13.....13."" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, ""14....14...14.""" +26443,0,A physicist decides one day he's had enough So he retires and starts a classic denimwear and clothing company. What does he name it? Rayleigh Jeans. +26444,3,Why can’t a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired. +26445,4,"What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common? Going down on any of them would be horrifying." +26446,2,What did the depressed muppet say? I want to Kermit suicide. +26447,0,Two gay condoms walk in to a bar...... And get shit faced. +26448,0,Why did Phillip Hoffman commit suicide? Because he couldn't Seymour of his life. +26449,0,What do you call a princess that likes getting stoned????? Her royal High-ness. +26450,0,What does Batman drink to stay big and strong? Milk because it's a good source of cowlcium. +26451,2,My Dad has said he identifies as invisible He's transparent +26452,0,Why do aliens only come to the U.S? Because all the citizens are legal aliens. +26453,0,What did undead Superman say to his date? Do you want to come to my kryptonite? +26454,1,I just learned how to ride a unicycle. Im freaking bomb at wheelies. +26455,1,Why did the egg cross the road? Because it was so inclined. +26456,0,What do you call a grain knife? barleysong +26457,2,Sally walks into a pet store Sally walks into a pet store and asks the clerk for some bird seed Clerk: what kind of bird do you have? Sally: I don't have one yet but I hope to grow some! +26458,1,"Thanks to Reddit, I now refer to voting as dooting" +26459,0,Not all Muslims are terrorists... But most terrorists are Muslims. +26460,0,Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Neither have they. +26461,2,"An Arab man has been walking the hot desert alone for weeks As the town is still a few days' walk from his position, he knows death is almost certain if he doesn't find help soon, before the food and water runs out. After a while, he spots something familiar on the horizon. He can't believe his eyes. IT'S A CAMEL! ""This is exactly what I needed!"", thinks the ecstatic man. He then crabs a rope from his backpack and hides behind a rock, waiting for the camel. As the camel gets near, the man is quick enough to catch it with the rope, but can't seem to calm it down. After a long struggle with the stubborn camel, the man almost can't believe his luck when he looks to his right and sees this gorgeous woman walking towards him. The woman seems really desperate as she mutters ""water..."" The man looks at his last bottle of water and says ""I've been walking for weeks in this death trap of a desert and have been fighting this fucking camel for dominance for hours, so hope you understand that I can't just give you the water for free."" The thirsty woman says ""I'll do anything for even half the bottle."" ""ANYTHING?"" Says the man with really poorly hidden excitement. ""Yes, please!"" pleads the woman. The man then gives her the bottle. After drinking half the water, she asks him what he would like to do. ""Hold the rope while I fuck the camel""" +26462,4,Two Deer Walk Out of a Gay Bar One says to the other “I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!” +26463,1,I really try not to make fun of fat people... They have enough on their plate +26464,0,What do you call cheese that's not yours? Anti-Communism +26465,1,Why shouldn't Nissan owners keep antacids in their car? People usually don't respond well to Altima Tums. +26466,1,"Men are the best cooks... One sausage, two eggs, bit of milk and they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months" +26467,0,"Which button switches weapons? Person: ""Y"" Me: ""Because I need to know""" +26468,0,"Three men were captured by a vicious tribe... Bill, Louie and Dave They were all presented to the chieftain and the three begged for their freedom. So the king gave them a task, anyone who passes the task will not be eaten and will be escorted out of the jungle, but if they fail they will be killed immediately. The first part of the task is to find any type of vegetable or fruit within the vicinity and present it to the chieftain. The three immediately ran into the jungle finding fruits or vegetables for the chief. Bill was the first to come back, and he brought 3 bananas. ""Now, insert the fruits into your anus without any reaction in your face."" So now bill carefully inserted the fruits into his anus, but as he was inserting the second banana, bill winced. ""Ouch!!"" ""You have failed the task!! off with his head!!"" Bill was killed and thrown into the fire. The next one to came back was Louie. And he brought 5 small grapes. ""Now, insert the fruits into your anus without any reaction in your face"" Louie was confident, knowing that putting grapes in your ass is easy. Without any reaction in his face, he has inserted the 4 grapes in to his anus until while he was inserting the last grape he suddenly burst out laughing. ""You have failed the task!! off with his head!!"" Louie was killed and thrown into the fire. Now both in heaven, Bill came running up to Louie ""Why the hell did you laugh!? That was the last grape!"" ""Just before I insert the last grape i just saw Dave coming back and he was carrying 2 Pineapples""" +26469,1,How do you know jesus is a slut? He got nailed 3 times in a row +26470,0,What is common in both lifestyle of a vegan and a lesbian? Lack of meat +26471,10,"A soldier ran up to a nun A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ""Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."" The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, ""Sister, have you seen a soldier?"" The nun replied, ""He went that way."" After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ""I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."" The nun said, ""I understand completely."" The soldier added, ""I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"" The nun replied, ""If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either.""" +26472,0,"There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns--maybe one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did." +26473,3,"A snake walks into a bar the bartender asks, ""How'd you do that?""" +26474,0,"Did you hear Fall Out Boy has an official BIC Lighter? All it says is: ""it up up up""" +26475,0,A man walks into a bar.... Only suffered minor bruising. +26476,1,What do you call an STD that loves makeup? Glamydia +26477,2,My friends often tell me I was conceived on the highway because that is where the most accidents happen.... +26478,0,"You know when I'm old and I'm put into a care home, I'm gonna go around and steal all the other male patients viagra.... It'll be the ultimate dick move" +26479,2,I saw the most beautiful couple last night. Then I had to run because they saw me in the Window. +26480,2,Which pokemon tells the most jokes about pokemon? Metapod +26481,6,Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes... Religion brought them together +26482,3,"My friend told this very NSFW joke during some TV recording training, got asked to tell something different. What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free." +26483,0,"2 deer walk out of bar... One says to the other, ""I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there.""" +26484,3,If you could bring one person to a deserted island who would it be? I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump +26485,5,What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say? Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here? +26486,2,I'm thinking about staying in bed to watch a movie with my girlfriend Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend? +26487,3,"My wife said ""What are you doing today?"" I told her ""Nothing"" She said you did that yesterday. I told her, ""I did not finish""" +26488,5,"Karl Marx as a student In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him. ""I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."" Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, ""Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on ""Proletariat ideology"" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."" The professor was confused. ""You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"" ""Yes, sir,"" Marx responded. ""So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict.""" +26489,1,What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip. +26490,2,Clickbaits seem so obvious... Just like this one. +26491,0,"What is the difference between Iron man and Iron woman? One is a superhero, the other is a command" +26492,0,"A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.. The bartender says, ""What the fuck man, you can't just go around stealing chairs.""" +26493,7,"I bought my friend an elephant for his room He said, ""Thank you"" I said, ""Don't mention it""" +26494,0,"So a pirate walks into a bar... So a pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says ""You look so annoyed!"". The pirate points down and says ""Yargh - I have a steering wheel at the end of my penis. It's drivin' me nuts!""" +26495,1,What do you call the basket on a hot air balloon? A balooney bin. Fuuuuuuck I hate myself. +26496,0,"Son: I think I get blaming other people from you, dad. Dad: No, you get it from your mother!" +26497,1,What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts? Coppers +26498,0,Ever since we started swinging my wife has talked about getting her asshole bleached But I don't think I'd look good as a blond +26499,3,"What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent, featuring Nickelback" +26500,2,"My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue. A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you quite right. I’ll ask you again. If you hadn’t been a nun what would you have done with your life?” The nun turned to him and said, “Father if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times if I hadn’t been a nun I would’ve been a prostitute.” The priest said, “Oh thank me stars. For a minute I thought I heard you say you would have been a Protestant.”" +26501,0,How does uranium iodide introduce itself to ex-criminals in the neighbourhood? I got Is on U. +26502,0,Why do women get yeast infections? So women also know what it's like to live with an irratating cunt. +26503,0,What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you cant pee soup. +26504,2,"Just fyi, if you're girlfriend asks you if she should lose some weight... ""I love you through thick and thin"" is not an appropriate response." +26505,3,"An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is. ""It's a condom,"" replies the grandson, sheepishly. ""What do you use it for?"" asks Grandpa. The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, ""I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."" Grandpa says, ""That's a great idea."" He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom. ""What size would you like?"" asks the pharmacist. ""Big enough to fit a Camel.""" +26506,1,"A military skydiver is talking about his first jump ""See, I was scared and didn't wanna jump. They screamed at me but I was too scared."" ""So the general standing behind me pulls out this huge cock of his and says that he'll use it on me if I didn't jump"" His friend says: ""Holy shit! Did you jump?"" He says: ""A little bit... At first""" +26507,0,"Women are like fine wine The nicer it is, the more it costs" +26508,3,As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he said to me: “One would have been enough.” +26509,3,If I spank Dwayne Johnson does that mean I hit rock bottom? +26510,0,What do you call a negatively modal bug? A woodant +26511,1,There is a lesbian couple building a house behind mine. They aren't using any studs.Its all tounge and groove +26512,3,"Is it really 2016? Is it really 2016? I mean Tarzan is playing in theaters, Pokemon is a craze, and a Clinton is running for President of the United States. " +26513,1,"My Brother's Unfortunate Name My hippie parents named my brother Zanus. I can never introduce or refer to him as ""my brother, Zanus"" in polite company." +26514,5,"A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, ""If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"" Johnny says, ""None."" The teacher asks, ""Why?"" Johnny says, ""Because the shot scared them all off."" The teacher says, ""No, two, but I like how you're thinking."" Johnny asks the teacher, ""If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"" The teacher says, ""The one sucking her ice cream."" Johnny says, ""No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!""" +26515,3,"The man approached the very beautiful..... The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”" +26516,4,"Right, I've been thinking. I said to the oncologist. ""I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."" My wife's eyes filled with tears, ""We should've discussed this together."" ""My minds made up."" I insisted. ""I think your wife is right."" Said the consultant. ""After all, she is the one with cancer.""" +26517,0,"A tale of 3 wives. A man is getting remarried for the fourth time. His new wife asks him what happened to previous 3 wives. The man replies, ""well my first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms. My second wife also died from eating poisonous mushrooms. My third wife..."" The woman cuts him off, ""let me guess. She died from eating mushrooms?"" The man replies, ""actually she died from a fractured skull. She wouldn't eat her damn mushrooms""" +26518,1,What genre of music is electricity into? Current +26519,4,Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them +26520,3,What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up. +26521,1,"After it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, how was the flood of Genesis stopped? God dammed it." +26522,1,what does donald trump do with the nuclear missiles when he doesn't want to have them anymore fire them +26523,1,What does a cannibal have for dinner? Stu. +26524,3,"You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you? It always felt like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation..." +26525,1,"Every day is a gift! By the way, did you keep the receipt for this one? I'd like an exchange." +26526,4,"I was so late to the cannibal party, so they all just gave me the cold shoulder" +26527,2,How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not 9 cause my basement’s still dark. +26528,0,Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta away Please send olive your condolences to his family +26529,4,"22 Miles Per Hour A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks ""people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway."" He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides to turn on his lights and pull then over. He pulls the car over and walks over to it and knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks ""Is there a problem officer?"" The cop replies ""I noticed you are going only 22 miles per hour on a freeway. I would give you a ticket, but I'd like to hear an explanation first."" The driver replies ""Oh, I was simply following the speed limit, which is 22."" He points at the sign saying Route 22. The cop looks puzzled for a moment, and then says ""sir that says Route 22, not the speed limit."" The driver realizes this. ""Ahh, no wonder we were going so slow."" The officer looks again, and notices the 2 passengers with queasy looks on the faces. ""What's the deal with them?"" The driver replies ""Oh give them a minute, we just got off of Route 146.""" +26530,0,"A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office naked, but completely wrapped in Saran Wrap, The Psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, ""Clearly, I can see you're nuts.""" +26531,3,"As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, ""Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!"" I shrugged and said, ""I already have Mentos."" Puzzled, she asked, ""Really? Where?"" ""On my men feet!""" +26532,1,My flight attendant girlfriend just broke up with me Said we’re just going in different directions. +26533,2,Why are rabbits so quiet when they're having sex? Because they have cotton balls +26534,0,"A Chinese boy got a job as a drug dealer to get money... He met a man in an alleyway as part of an organized deal. ""I've got the stuff."" ""You? You're way too young."" Seeing as how the man had discovered his identity, the boy knocked him unconscious and ran away." +26535,3,What do you call a dog who can do magic? A labracadabrador +26536,1,What kind of keys can’t open doors? Monkeys +26537,0,"After last night's round of heavy drinking, I've contracted the AIDS Alcohol Induced Drippy Shits" +26538,3,"My wife gave birth the other day. Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby." +26539,0,"Two male deer are leaving a gay bar One turns to the other and says ""I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks""" +26540,0,"I never proof read anything myself Instead, I just sandwich my writings with hateful opinions, post them to Reddit, and read the replies. People seem more than eager to point out my mistakes." +26541,0,What do you call a maxi-pad with a brain? a ThinkPad™ +26542,2,What are a rednecks last words? Hey pa! Look what I can do! +26543,1,Disappear. A Jamaican tour guide standing by a quay. +26544,1,Did you hear about the guy who sued a banana? He won the initial case but lost on the banana's appeal. +26545,0,Football :Euro 2016 was anyone else gutted that Portugal never brought out Madeleine McCann for their open top bus parade ? +26546,0,"How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb? Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs." +26547,2,"I posted myself drawing a perfect freehand ellipse on r/gifs. Everyone loved it and started trying themselves. We were all complimenting each others steady hands, when one guy commented, ""circle jerk!"". ""What an idiot"", I thought and replied, ""oval, you moron!""" +26548,0,I hope I can see everything clearer in a few years. In 2020. +26549,4,"My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool." +26550,1,How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday +26551,3,What is a pornstar's favorite drink? 7 Up in Cider +26552,0,"Science Article: people are much more happy in polyamorous relationship Me: I knew it, humans are not meant to be married to a single person Wife: thank god you realised the truth honey, meet Chad our neighbour." +26553,0,"A Woman Gets On a Bus With Her Baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''" +26554,4,Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. +26555,0,"I used to be very sad about my tumor... But, lately, it has grown on me" +26556,1,Why can’t dinosaurs say the alphabet? Because they are dead. +26557,5,My son broke my only glasses out of anger I could never look at him the same +26558,1,What's the Hong Kong police's favorite pop group? The Beatles. +26559,3,If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it! It’s a trap. +26560,7,"A man decides to go to a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, ""Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now."" Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, ""That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. ""Whew"", says the leopard. ""That was close. That dog nearly had me."" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, ""Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. ""Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, ""Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... ""Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back.""" +26561,4,"Halloween I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules." +26562,1,What do you call a sleepy guy who cuts trees? Slumberjack +26563,1,What do you call a guy who keeps going to confession about his on going Xhamster problem? A Porn Again Christian *sorry +26564,0,An Englishman marries a Chinese woman The bloke just couldn't resist having Chai all night long +26565,0,A tall man tells a joke to a short guy but he doesn't gets it.. Because it goes over his head +26566,0,"Breaking News CNN / CMN Mexico • Democrats agree to $6 billion funding of the wall, • on a condition that Trump stays on the Mexican side of the wall. Trump agreed but Mexicans refused " +26567,0,Funniest joke about “2020” What are gonna be some funniest joke about “2020”? +26568,0,Don't you hate it when online articles don't provide sources Like this one from CBS: +26569,2,Everyone keeps telling me I'm the worst mailman they've ever seen *shit I meant to post this elsewhere! +26570,0,"A fat man goes to a doctors appointment... Fat man: Hi doctor Doctor: Hello, whats your problem. Fat man: Look at me, can't you tell. Doctor: No, whats up. Fat man: I want to become thin. Doctor: Your weight, thats the issue. Fat man: Do you think you could help. Doctor: Yes, i could. But I'm not that good for this area, I would think a nutritionalist would be better suited for this. Fat man: Well... thats not the issue. You see, obesity runs in the family. Doctor: ......................Nobody runs in your family you fat fuck." +26571,3,"Why You Should Make Love Once A Year A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”" +26572,8,"A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""Nope."" he replies. ""I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" The cowboy explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What's it telling you now?"" ""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ""Damn thing's an hour fast.""" +26573,0,"A right winger walks into a Walmart The manager greets him “back for another bucket of bullets, young man?”" +26574,1,Did you know that every single female inmate that was executed on death row was menstruating on the day of her execution? You ask why? Because you have to end every sentence with a period. +26575,0,My cardboard girlfriend fell apart when I came all over her. I don't think she was cut out for that kind of thing. +26576,4,A man went to the local library and asked the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian told him to fuck off because he won’t bring it back. +26577,2,An Asian person robbed my house. 1. My homework is done. 2. My computer is upgraded to its maximum potential. 3. There's a person trying to back out of the driveway. +26578,0,Why was the mushroom invited to the party? He was a fun-gi +26579,1,"Peter & Paula ""Wake up Paula!"" Peter yelled at 2am. ""You won't believe what just happened! I went to have a leak and a strange light came on from nowhere. When I finished the light went out again. It's a miracle!"" ""No, it's not,"" said Paula. ""You've pissed in the friggin' fridge again!"" " +26580,3,"A politically incorrect joke about language Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there. To the Frenchman they say, ""you are in charge of cuisine"". To the German they say, ""you are in charge of accommodation"". To the Finn they say, ""you are in charge of supplies."" They come to survey in a while. The Frenchman has built a restaurant with excellent food. The German has built a fancy hotel. But the Finn is nowhere to be found. They ask the others, but they don't know where he is either. So they go look for him and while walking in the woods the Finn suddenly jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, ""SUPPLIES!"" " +26581,1,"A hippy college kid is taking a survey around town. He walks up to one guy and asks, “ Hey man, ever been to jail?” The guy tells the hippy no and goes on about his day. The hippy then walks up to another man walking down the street and asks him, “Hey bud, ever get nabbed by the cops?” The man says yes and carries on about his day. Finally, the hippy comes to an attractive blonde. Despite his obvious erection he goes up to the blonde and asks, “Hey, sexy. Ever been picked up by the fuzz?” She looks down and notices his erection and says, “No. But I have been swung around by the tits. What did you have in mind?”" +26582,3,"Muslim Band I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque. They were called ""Bomb Jovi"" and I thought they were brilliant. They performed songs like: ""Losing my Head over You"", ""Rocket Launcher Man"", ""You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine"". Their last song ""Living on a Prayer Mat"" almost brought the house down! Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD. I was interested, so I asked him, ""Can you burn me a copy?"" Well that was when the trouble started. " +26583,0,"Roses are red, I hope you go to heaven... TIL Actor Steven Buscemi was a firefighter in 9/11" +26584,0,The guy who invented the crossword is buried in my town's cemetery... His grave is the 7th one down and the 3rd one across. +26585,1,"The Bear Hunter (LONG) Hunter sees a bear in a blueberry patch. He takes aim, shoots, and the bear goes down. Hunter's excited and runs to find his kill. Bear is nowhere to be seen. After searching unsuccessfully for a while, he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's the bear! ""You just tried to kill me,"" says the bear. ""N-n-nuh-no,"" replies the hunter, denying the obvious. ""I'll give you a choice,"" says the bear, ""you can drop your pants and bend over that fallen tree -- or I can kill you right now."" Hunter realizes he really doesn't have much choice, so he drops his pants, and the bear has its way with him. Bear finishes up then says, ""Off you go -- and let that be a lesson to you. Don't let me see you back in these woods again."" The following weekend, the hunter is bent on revenge, so he returns to the woods to shoot the bear. Unfortunately his efforts meet with exactly the same result. Hunter, terribly humiliated for a 2nd time, is driving home when he sees a Sporting Goods store. So he goes inside and buys the biggest most powerful rifle they have, and returns to the woods for revenge. He sees the same bear in the same blueberry patch, takes careful aim, and BANG! the bear goes down. ""Got the s.o.b. this time,"" he mutters as he starts searching for the corpse. Strangely enough, there's no sign of the bear -- until he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns, and there's his old enemy. ""OK,"" sighs the bear, ""you know the drill.....And you know what? I don't think you're really in this for the hunting, are you?""" +26586,3,"A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood... As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro” as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening. As he arrives to the light and screaming he realizes one of the houses in the neighborhood is covered in flames. He sees the last of the firemen running out with a woman in his arms. When the fireman gets the lady to a safe distance she begins to run back toward the house. He grabs her and stops her in her tracks. “PLEASE NO, MY BABY SHES STILL INSIDE!!!”, She exclaims. “I’m sorry mam there’s nothing we can do at this point the fire has grown too big.” The fireman said in a somber tone. The quarterback couldn’t live with this on his conscience as he feels he could save the baby. He takes action and sprints inside. A few moments later you see him run out with a baby in his arms. Everyone cheers in excitement as they see he’s saved the baby from a Fiery death. In all the excitement he raises the baby in the air and slams it into the ground and exclaims. *BAM* “TOUCHDOWN!!!” " +26587,0,"A War Horse walks into a bar and the bartender asked ""Why the long film?""" +26588,0,What's the difference between Donald Trump and a used car sales person? The used car sales person knows they are lying. +26589,1,My girlfriend is upset that I have trouble communicating with her... It's just that I never felt comfortable confiding with my family. +26590,4,Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it. He told me not off the diving board +26591,1,"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog" +26592,1,"I talked to my son about the dangers of eating Tide Pods. He wanted to know if I did anything dumb like that when I was young on a dare. I said, ""We used to lick electrical outlets"" He found it shocking" +26593,1,Why did the two men from Moscow get escorted out from the concert? Because they wouldn't stop Russian the stage... +26594,2,They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket....but who are “they”? Basket makers looking to sell more units. +26595,1,"The sex position 69 is now called 96. Due to the bad economy, the price of eating out has gone up." +26596,5,"Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he? ICU baby, shakin' that ass!" +26597,1,What does a elephant type his papers in? Elefont +26598,0,My friend with epilepsy is loving the concert I’m at lmfao +26599,2,"An American brings a Chinese Man to a hotdog stand. The American orders a hotdog and assures the Chinese Man that the food here is very good. When the hotdog is served, the Chinese Man begins to look pale. The American asks, “What’s wrong?” The Chinese Man replies, “When we eat dogs, we typically remove this part of the body. Not eat it.” " +26600,1,What's a cannibal's favorite proverb? You are what you eat. +26601,1,What's the deal with wet paper? It's so tearible +26602,7,There are 10 genders Because gender is binary. +26603,1,What does a little cezars pizza and a pornstar have in common? They are both hot and ready. +26604,2,What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked it out with a pencil. +26605,0,Studies show that... 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy. +26606,8,"I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful." +26607,1,How do you mess up an assassination and sushi at the same time? You forget to put the ricin +26608,0,"Saw a pirate with a giant steering wheeling attached to his crotch. Asked him if he was ok. He said ""Arr, it's driven me nuts!""" +26609,0,"Two divorcee roommates are staring at their fridge.. **Guy 1:** Ah.. it's always the same crap. Do you want the half eaten sandwhich or the pizza? **Guy 2:** Ah, forget it. I'll just take the girl." +26610,3,So I was playing one of the old fallout games I think it's rad +26611,0,"Jack's friend gets arrested on a plane. He yelled out ""Hi Jack!""" +26612,1,"A Duck Walks Into A Bar.... ...Bartender yells, ""DUCK!"" - via my 8 year old self." +26613,0,What do you call it when soup eats through it's packaging? Can-nibal-ardee +26614,1,What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison +26615,0,"A steamy session A man huffs and puffs ""You made me bust a nut!"" She replies ""I didn't. All three are there. He, confused, says ""I clearly have two, where's the third?"" She looks at him, and walks away in the bathroom with her clothes. ""You forgot your acorn. Now clean the mess you made on the bed.""" +26616,3,What’s a poor person’s favorite sandwich? A plebeian J. +26617,0,"George Michael has died of a heart problem on Christmas day. For a guy in the habit of giving his heart away as a Christmas gift only to have it thrown away the very next day for the last 30 years, I can't say I am surprised. R.I.P. George Michael" +26618,0,Did you hear about the horse ranch that got hit by a natural disaster? It was a tor-neigh-do. +26619,3,Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court? She was framed +26620,6,Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member? He went around killing gingers. +26621,1,My friend is a bread addict He kneads the dough +26622,0,"I can't believe my wife won't let me play catch with our son After all, *she's* the one who told me to ""stop messing around with that basketball when there's a baby in the house!""" +26623,0,"Wife to Husband: I am not talking to you...! Husband : OK Wife : Don't you want to know the reason. Husband : No,I respect & Trust your decision....!" +26624,0,What does a half orange look like ? The other half . +26625,0,"An American, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are about to skydive The American grabs his parachute and before he jumps, he yells ""God Bless America!"" The Englishman grabs his parachute and before he jumps, he yells ""God Save the Queen!"" The Mexican is about to grab his parachute when all of a sudden the Texan pushes him off the plane. The Texan then yells to the Mexican, ""Remember the Alamo!""" +26626,0,Why did the lesbians beat the gays to Disney world? The lesbians went lickety split and the gays had to pack their shit. +26627,0,Sign language is the least spoken language in the world. +26628,1,"During WW1 Switzerland had 250 000 soldiers The German Kaiser asked the Swiss ambassador in Berlin: ""What would Switzerland do if I invaded with 500 000 soldiers?"" The ambassador replied: ""Shoot twice and go home."" " +26629,3,If your parachute fails while skydiving... You have the rest of your life to fix it. +26630,3,"My wife... My wife just got kidnapped by a group of muslim cannibals. I'm not worried though, I heard muslims don't eat pigs." +26631,1,How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it. +26632,2,There is a band called ‘900 mb’ They have never had a gig +26633,0,Everybody pays for sex . . . ... at least the hookers are honest with their syphilis? +26634,0,Why did the Greeks REALLY attack Troy? They didn't pay their protection money. +26635,2,What do you call people who take care of chickens? Chicken Tenders +26636,1,What's your favorite part of playing strip poker? The stripping or the poking? +26637,1,"Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving) Turkey Hunting An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, ""To what do you attribute your good health?"" The old timer said, ""I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."" The doctor said, ""Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"" The old timer said, ""Who said my dad's dead?"" The doctor said, ""You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"" The old timer said, ""He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."" The doctor said, ""Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"" The old timer said, ""Who said my grandpa's dead?"" The doctor said, ""You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"" The old timer said, ""He's 118 years old."" The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, ""I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"" The old timer said, ""No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."" The Doctor said in amazement, ""Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"" The old timer said, ""Who said he wanted to?""" +26638,4,"A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post. The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up. ""Are you smuggling something?"" asked the officer to the truck driver. ""It would be wise if you told me before we found something."" ""Nope,"" said the truck driver casually. And he was right. The officer didn't find a single thing in the truck. It was completely empty. The officer let the driver go, but he was still suspicious. Few days later, the officer saw the same driver at the check post. The officer immediately pulled the truck aside and this time, asked other officers to thoroughly check the truck. ""Remove seat covers if you have to. And bring in every drug sniffing dog we have,"" he said staring menacingly at the truck driver. ""I'm sure he is smuggling something."" ""Go at it. I'll wait,"" said the truck driver as he took out a cigarette. After an hour of thorough search, the custom officer couldn't find anything. ""I know you are smuggling something, and one day, I will find it!"" he said to the driver. The driver smiled and drove away with the truck. Few days later, the Officer saw the same driver at the check post and asked him to pull the truck aside. This time, he had reinforcements and asked them to pull the truck apart, every screw, every nut, and find what the driver is hiding. ""Fine"" said the driver to the officer's frustration. They disassembled the truck, removed the engine, checked every nook and cranny, and every hollow pipe. The officer relentless looked for two days in the truck but couldn't find anything. Exhausted, frustrated, and defeated, the officer went to the driver. ""I know you are smuggling something. Can you please tell me what it is? I promise i won't arrest you if you tell me. I even promise not to arrest you in the future. But for god's sake tell me what you are smuggling. This is keeping up at nights and I think I will go mad if I don't find out."" The driver sees the frustration and desperateness in the officer's eyes. ""Okay"" He said. The Officer's eyes light up. ""I knew it! I knew it! Tell me,"" ""You promise you won't arrest me?"" asked the driver. ""Yes yes yes! for fuck sake! I won't. Now tell me! What are you smuggling?"" ""Trucks.""" +26639,0,What do you call a giraffe driving a car? A danger to society. +26640,4,I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England. +26641,5,"4 nuns line up for confession The first nun says: ""forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes. While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."" The priest says: ""do not be ashamed, my child. Say a Hail Mary, wash your eyes in the holy water, and all will forgiven."" The second nun says: ""forgive me father, for I have sinned. I snuck into the room and I took his penis in my hand."" The priest says: ""do not be ashamed, child. Say a Hail Mary, was your hands in the holy water, and all will be forgiven."" The fourth nun cuts infront of the third nun. The third nun cuts back infront of the fourth nun, The fourth nun tries to cut infront of the third nun again and they get into a fist fight. The priest sees the commotion and yells: ""sisters, stop this at once! What has come over you?!"" The fourth nun points to the third nun and says: ""I want to gargle the holy water before she washes her ass with it.""" +26642,3,My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia. He was stoned. +26643,1,Dad Humour When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar... I’ll see myself out. +26644,4,"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed woman on a tricycle? Attire" +26645,1,I don't wear ties I wear wins +26646,5,"Two Jewish men.. Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?' Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.' When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?' The waiter said, 'I won’t be knowing, but I will ask  the Chef .After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later  and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.' Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India  . Our people are scattered everywhere.'  The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captai! n my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!' Listen you assholes , I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!   - No Indian Jews OK!!!!!???!!!" +26647,2,"A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’’s raining,” he said to his wife. ""No, that felt more like snow to me,“ she replied. ""No, I’’m sure it was just rain, he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ""Let’’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’’s officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” It’’s raining, of course,“ he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: ""I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" +26648,1,I'm bad at Greek mythology. It's my Achilles' elbow. +26649,0,Person: what is the worst excuse for killing someone? Psychopath: i don't know go ask anyone in Florida +26650,3,Why aren't there any cats on Mars? Because curiosity killed the cat +26651,2,What Do Mermaids Wash Their Clothes With? Tide. +26652,0,"your mothers so fat Rage against the machine got their name from her standing on a scale. Boom, drop keyboard." +26653,0,"What do you want for Christmas kid? Mall Santa asks the little boy as he plops up on his lap. Little boy: ""I want a unicorn!"" Mall Santa: ""how 'bout ya pick something a little more realistic."" Little boy: ""ok...well how about a government that doesn't violate my rights."" Mall Santa: ""ah Jesus Christ...what color unicorn do you want?"" " +26654,4,Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Me: Yes I could +26655,0,"Water bears are so badass... if they fall into the pits at La Brea, the tar degrades." +26656,0,If two negatives make a positive. Shouldn't that make drunk women the best drivers? +26657,3,"It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out" +26658,2,Silent but deadly 2 old people are quietly praying in church with everybody on a Sunday when the old lady suddenly lets out a sneaky fart. She turns to her husband and says “I’ve just silently farted what should I do?” He husband says back “I don’t know but you need to change the batteries in your hearing aid” +26659,2,"John is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river... He walks into the river, finally bumping into the preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks John, ""Are you ready to find Jesus?"" John shouts, ""Yes, I am."" So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, ""Brother, have you found Jesus?"" John replies, ""No, I haven't found Jesus!"" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, ""Have you found Jesus, brother?"" John answers, ""No, I haven't found Jesus!"" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks John again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up... The preacher again asks John, ""For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"" John staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, ""Are you sure this is where he fell in?""" +26660,0,"I love those Star Wars themed condoms When I put one it's the only time I feel it's acceptable to use ""the Force""" +26661,0,"Did you hear about the guy who was turned into an air mattress? His hopes were pretty high the first night, but by the next morning he was pretty deflated." +26662,2,What music do wind turbines listen to..... They're huge metal fans. Ba-dum chi +26663,1,"I am proud to call myself a true man of substance. Cocaine, meth, heroin, you name it." +26664,2,Why can't tampons be friends? They're all stuck-up cunts. +26665,2,A comedian was arrested after causing a 35 year old male to laugh himself to death. Police are charging him with man's-laughter. +26666,2,I got boots for my birthday then regifted them It was a reboot +26667,0,Why do brides traditionally wear white? So the dishwasher matches the fridge +26668,0,Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. +26669,2,TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit +26670,0,A time traveling alien appears in a flash of light in a bar. He is obviously having the night of his life when he turns to the bartender and asks for a two hundred thousand dead at area 51 cocktail... The bar goes dead quiet as he looks around...oh shit too soon? +26671,1,"Have you heard of Mechadusa? She's like Medusa, but instead of turning people to stone, she turns them into simple machines. I was skeptical at first... but then I saw her face. Now I'm a big lever." +26672,2,How many Hitlers does it take to change a light bulb? Nein +26673,0,What do you call Magic Johnson when he helps you cook? A KitchenAid. +26674,1,"Which stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles." +26675,1,Halloween must be soon... Because everyone is ghosting me... +26676,0,Why isn't Selena Gomez straight She came from wizards of Wave rly place +26677,2,"What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp? One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics. (Works best when said out loud)" +26678,2,"So, I named my penis Buddha Bc often when I rub it, it brings me happiness,peace and mental wealth." +26679,2,"I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said ""Mark my words!!"" It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it." +26680,3,"I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight. But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller." +26681,4,"The young woman sitting next to me on the train today was breastfeeding her baby... An officer came up to us and said, ""Please stop doing this here, or we're going to have to ask you to leave."" So I sighed, stopped masturbating and pulled my pants back up." +26682,0,I like my women like I like my clickbait... I hate both! +26683,1,What’s the best thing about being involved in human trafficking? It can really take you places. +26684,2,"What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes? Hail, Hitler!" +26685,2,I was born with a missing eyelid. The doctors used my foreskin to replace it. Which is why to this day I see the world a little cockeyed. +26686,0,"This Halloween, I was going to go out as a man getting his balls waxed. But after getting my outfit on, I decided against it. I just couldn’t pull it off." +26687,1,Puns about communism aren't funny... Unless everyone gets them! +26688,1,What did the feminist slave say to Lincoln? I don't need you to MANcipate me. +26689,1,What kind of underwear does an artist wear? Drawers +26690,5,What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz +26691,2,A magician says to his wife to 'Pick a card. Any card.' She takes his credit card and leaves. +26692,3,"So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it. To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”" +26693,0,How can you tell Oriental Dynasties are obese? Because they have hundreds of Qins +26694,3,The light blew in the bathroom last night. I couldn't see shit. +26695,4,I like my women like I like my alcohol Responsible for a fair majority of my terrible life choices +26696,1,Yo mama so stupid she went to Shop Rite And shopped wrong +26697,2,"Dad, what is a firefighter's least favourite letter? Dad: R, son" +26698,0,What do you call good quality yoghurt? Highly cultured milk...... +26699,0,How is my girlfriend like the square root of -64? They're both imaginary +26700,1,I see you driving Round town with the girl I love and I’m like haikuuu +26701,4,When does a hunger strike stop? When hunger strikes. +26702,2,"Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor." +26703,0,Did you know Marx was into anal? He wanted to seize the means of reproduction and give them to the asses. +26704,5,I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks I didn't want to interrupt her +26705,1,Why did the gold go to jail? It made contact with a miner. +26706,0,"A boy and his girlfriend were about to have sex on his bunkbed The problem was that his brother was underneath them sound asleep. To counter this the boy quickly thought of a plan ""If you want me to go faster say cabbage and if you want me to go slower say tomato!"" The girl, looking unimpressed by the idea decided it was the only shot they had and they went at it. It was a good 5 minutes of ""cabbage...tomato...cabbage...cabbage...tomatotomato...cabbage"" before the boy finally said ""guys, I know your making sandwiches up there but can you be more careful? There's mayo everywhere!"" " +26707,0,"There was this guy who was known in his town for never being able to get sex from a girl. So, on his 40 year old birthday party. One of his friends tells him that it's time for him to have sex. The rest of his friends say they will take him to a ladies house. The guy is reluctant at first, but eventually all his friends convince him. ​ They arrive at the place and there's this gorgeous woman at the door. The friends explain the situation to her. The woman says ""you don't have to tell me anything, darling. Everyone in town knows your reputation and in fact, we wondered when you were finally coming to see us. Tell you what, since it's your first time and you're a bit famous here, I'll do it for free. Heck, I'll even get you a beer."" The woman and the guy start to go upstairs to a bedroom, waving the guy's friends good-bye. Once they're at the door, the woman says ""I must warn you tho. I don't have clitoris."" The guy replies, ""that's ok. I'll have a heineken.""" +26708,1,"There was once a blind knight (Long/NSFW) There was once a blind knight. One evening he walked down to the dinner hall and sat next to his friend, Bob. ""I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Bob,"" the blind knight said. ""Jacking off just doesn't feel good anymore."" Bob turned to him and said ""Try some of these boiled snails. They really get the juices flowing."" Bob handed the blind knight a bowl of snails from the middle of the table. The next night the blind knight came down to the dinner hall and sat next to Bob and said ""It didn't work. It still doesn't feel right. What else can I try?"" Bob thought for a moment. ""Maybe you just need a bit of relaxation? You should go fishing tonight before lights out."" So, after dinner, the blind knight gathered his fishing gear and fished down by the lake until it was time for him to return to his barracks. The third night the blind knight went back to the dinner hall, sat down beside Bob and sighed. ""It still isn't working, Bob. What is wrong with me?"" Just then a horn blew and they were under attack. They mounted their steeds and rushed to battle. After the fighting, the blind knight and Bob were the only ones left alive. Sitting in the bloody carnage, the blind knight says to Bob ""It's no use. Even a battle can't get me going."" Bob looks at the blind knight. ""Now you're just beating a dead horse.""" +26709,0,"Before i became a plumber is was a CliniClown... I only did the self-mutitation center, that was the only place i was accepted." +26710,1,There's a party in the garden so lettuce turnip the beet +26711,2,Ha - mildly amusing Haha - laughing Hahaha - saracstic laughing Hahahaha - Staying Alive +26712,0,"A boy looking for his grandfather A boy is lost in a crowd looking for his grandfather and inquires a stranger about it: ""Excuse me sir, have you seen my grandpa? He's old and wrinkly."" Confused, the man replies, ""I have no idea, all old people have wrinkles... Any other features?"" ""Ummm"", the boy think for a second, ""he also has grey hair!"" Once again the man shrugs, ""most older people also have grey hair..."" On his last lifeline the boy says, ""he's a real salty old man!"" ""Oh!"" the man points and responds, ""Himalayan over there taking a nap!"" " +26713,5,"Story with a moral Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first . The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened . The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now...what is the moral to this story? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The moral is: If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly..." +26714,1,"Exercise has helped with my depression immensely. My wife started jogging a few months ago, and I feel far better about being seen with her." +26715,0,"[NSFW] I found out I have an abscess in my rectum today... I guess you could say I have an ""assess.""" +26716,0,"#who ya gonna call? Admit it, your mind said *GHOSTBUSTERS*" +26717,3,"Biology Lesson A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked the teacher if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher surprised by the question explains that her grandmother would be too old to have a baby. The little girl followed that up by asking if her mother could have a baby. The teacher explains that although it was possible her mother is a bit old now so it was unlikely she would have a baby. The little girl then asked ""can I have a baby?"" ""Of course not, you're much too young to have a baby"" replied the teacher. ""See!"" Said a voice at the back of the classroom. ""I told you that you didn't have anything to worry about!""" +26718,0,"1 Thing You Can Still Do on the Internet After Net Neutrality **THIS CONTENT IS LOCKED BY YOUR INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER** To unlock it, please pay your ISP. " +26719,0,Korean meatballs. Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks. +26720,4,Did you hear Microsoft have started giving away Office free to parents? Word to your mother. +26721,0,"How did the newly blind man break up with his girlfriend? ""I can't see you anymore""" +26722,2,A person falls down in a race... He was defeeted +26723,2,"Hopefully Not a Repeat A doctor tells his patient ""I have bad news and i have worse news"" ""Oh dear whats the bad news"" asks the patient. The Doctor says ""you only have 24 hours to live"" ""Thats terrible but how can the other news possibly be worse?"" The Patient asks. The Doctor Replied! ""Well i've been trying to contact you since yesterday!""" +26724,1,"A pair of fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says ""Hey, we don't serve fonts here!"" But they sat down anyways because they were **bold**." +26725,0,Did you see the news about the Governor of Alabama's mansion burning down? Damn near took out the entire trailer park. +26726,0,Yo so ugly your mama got fined for littering when she dropped you at school +26727,0,What newspaper is made by and for cows? The Daily Moos +26728,3,I have this thing for girls with big butts Chloroform. +26729,1,When it comes to my favorite members of the religious community Priests are second to nun. +26730,2,"[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own... “Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”" +26731,0,Why was the rabbits fur so messy? He was having a bad hare day. +26732,2,I donated $100 to a charity that helps the blind. Too bad they’ll never see a dime of it. +26733,1,I moved into the mountains and stopped carrying a phone with me everywhere. My Apple Watch has LTE up there. +26734,0,"It isn't easy for LeBron James to carry the Cavaliers every game. Nonetheless, he'll power forward." +26735,2,"It's isn't rocket science A patient on the dentist's chair was scared and quite apprehensive about the procedure he was going to undergo. He asks a lot of questions and details from the dentist. The dentist says, reassuringly: ""Relax, it's not brain surgery....Unless I slip."" " +26736,5,"An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: ""Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself."".  The granny answers: ""You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.""" +26737,2,"I just saw a book on Amazon called ""Overcome Procrastination"" I've put it on my wish list." +26738,1,"Sometimes when work is hectic and my family is demanding, I lock myself in the bathroom and act like an alien I come in peace. " +26739,2,What happens if you paint a barn red in Norway? A pair of very angry Norwegian speaking parents. +26740,1,Why do mountains always laugh at themselves? Because they're hill-areas +26741,2,"'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment. 'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies. My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'" +26742,0,"In the business class of a Boeing 747, a beautiful stewardess serves champagne to a young fellow. \\- I am very thankful. If it's not a secret, what is your name, miss? \\- Sir, it is Mercedes. - she replied girlishly. \\- Do you have something in common with Mercedes Benz? \\- The price." +26743,1,What do you call a man with only one ball in his bag? A very confident golfer! +26744,0,You know what actually the earbuds is? Dildo for ear +26745,1,"The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime... ""We have a lot of suspects, sir,"" said the officer. ""Why don't you tell me about them?"" asks the detective. ""Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes."" - ""It wasn't Russell,"" replies the detective. ""How about the wife of this hippie?"" - ""Mississippi? Not her."" ""We got a picture of this other guy."" - ""Looks like he was framed to me."" ""What about the woman eating a burger?"" - ""Patty? She can do that."" ""There's the man who never leaves school."" - ""Jim is in the clear."" ""We have another photo of a different guy up here on the wall."" - ""It isn't Art."" ""This lady was spending a lot of time on the beach."" ""Sandy? It is to be expected."" ""It could be the barista from the local coffee shop?"" - ""Not Joe."" ""And this man who was outside the back door?"" - ""No, Matt was where he belonged."" ""We'd like to bring the hamburger lady in for more questioning."" - ""No need to grill her."" ""There is a tall man with a hat."" - ""It was him!"" cries the detective triumphantly. ""How do you know he did it?"" asks the officer. ""Because,"" replies the detective, ""no pun in ten did."" ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ """ +26746,0,"Official Facts About Uranus The following questions were answered by astronomer Dr. Cathy Imhoff of the Space Telescope Science Institute. -The Sun doesn't shine on Uranus. How far is Uranus from the sun? Uranus is 19 times farther from the sun than Earth is. That is almost 2,000,000,000 (two billion) miles! -Uranus is very uncomfortable. Why is Uranus so cold and why is it blue? Uranus is so cold because it is so far from the sun. It is 19 times farther from the sun than Earth is. It's like standing by a fire on a cold day — only the people who are close to the fire stay warm! -Uranus produces gas. Uranus looks blue because of its clouds. The methane in the clouds absorbs red light so only blue light is reflected back to us. -Uranus got knocked sideways. Why is Uranus turned on its side? That's a very good question! It isn't easy to turn a planet onto its side. Our best guess is that early on, when the sun and planets were forming, there was a big collision between Uranus and another body that caused the planet to rotate on its side. -Uranus is tipsy. What is the weather like on Uranus? First of all, it is COLD. The surface temperature is about –300° Fahrenheit degrees! There are strong winds, and sometimes cirrus clouds made up of methane ice crystals are seen in the atmosphere. Since Uranus is tipped on its side, it has strange seasons. For part of its ""year,"" the north pole is pointed at the sun, and for another part, the south pole is pointed at the sun. The planet rotates pretty fast — once every 17 hours — faster than Earth even though it is much smaller. Bonus Fact. It's spectulated that Uranus is easy to penetrate. How close could you get to Uranus before you'd sink in? I don't know the exact answer to this one! Gravity would pull you in, but at some point the thick clouds would act like an ocean and give you some buoyancy (meaning that you would float)." +26747,3,There's a guy threatening to kill me if I don't make a bread joke. I'm toast. +26748,2,I saved a life today! I asked a homeless man what would happen if I gave him a million dollars. He said he'd be so happy he'd die. So I kept my money and saved his life. No need to thank me. +26749,2,What do you call an Hispanic that's reached their level cap? A Maxican. +26750,0,"Sometimes when you learn something new you have to forget other things in order to clear out space. In fact, yesterday I learned a lot about wine at our local tasting festival and shortly thereafter I forgot how to drive." +26751,3,My parents always told me I'd never be good at poetry since I'm Dyslexic. My flower pot and 3 vases are pretty good if I do say so myself. +26752,5,Breakups in China are the worst You see her face everywhere. +26753,1,"A guy asks his friend how he lost so much weight. His friend says, ""I took up drinking and driving. It works like a charm!"" The guy says ""Oh man, you need to stop, you're going to get yourself killed!"" His friend replies back, ""Yeah, it was a bit of a crash diet.""" +26754,4,"My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Porsche. I said, ""Wow, that's an amazing car!"" He replied, ""If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year""." +26755,0,What's the difference between the people on the Titanic and me? I've never gotten swallowed. +26756,0,I used to go to garage sales. I still do... Bought a used tutu +26757,4,Jokes about communism aren't funny Unless everyone gets them +26758,0,My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway.. +26759,1,What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change +26760,0,I told my wife I was going to make a bicycle out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta. +26761,1,How many mexicans does it take to change a lighbulb? Juan ^I'm ^not ^sorry +26762,1,"Blind people are like Vampires, They can’t see themselves in a mirror" +26763,3,Parallel lines have so much in common... It's a shame they'll never meet. +26764,3,"Time is like a river. Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ""Amazing Grace"", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, . . . ""I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.""" +26765,0,"What do you call a group of roses, cacti and Donald Trump? A bunch of pricks" +26766,4,So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere. +26767,0,"A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans over and quietly asks her if he may say a word. ”Of course,” says the woman. “Please do.” The man stands up, clears his throat, and says, “Plethora.” He then sits back down. ”Thank you,” the woman says. “That means a lot.”" +26768,2,You are odd! Sorry I'm odd too. Now we're even. +26769,1,"My dying friend asked me not to joke about his health. But I can’t help it, I have a really bad sense of tumor. " +26770,0,Why did the mathematician's parabola joke suck? It didn't have a focus. +26771,1,"Anti jokes 1. What is green and has wheels? Grass! I lied about the wheels! 2. What do bikes and ducks have in common? They both have handle bars. Except for the duck! 3. What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut. 4. I like my women like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware that he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife ignores him. The man rolls over and begins to sob because he realises that his marriage is in shambles. 6. I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said ""Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket!"" " +26772,2,"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, ""Uno, Dos..."" * poof * ...He disappeared without a tres." +26773,0,"A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Athiest get shipwrecked on an island in the pacific... A day after they hit land they all get captured by headhunters. They are brought before the chief, and the chief tells them that they have two options: they can accept death or they can take their chances with The Band. The Catholic priest is up first. He says, ""I need my life to guide those who need it to the light of God, so I will take my chances with The Band."" The Chief calls for the band and 13 hulking figures appear and gather around the Priest. They begin to beat and sodomize the Priest in ways he had never even dreamed of before. When they finish, they leave him laying face down in the sand covered in cum urine feces and blood, but he survives and makes a run for it. The Rabbi is next. He tells the chief that he needs his life to teach and lead those around him to the right path in life, so he too will take his chances with the band. The Chief calls for the band again and 13 more hulking figures come and have their way with the Rabbi, sodomizing and brutalizing him in even more new and inventive ways. Like the priest, they leave him laying face down in the sand covered in bodily fluids and filth, but he somehow survives and is able to make a run for it. The chief approaches the athiest and asks him if he has made a decision. The athiest explains that he doesnt want to be beaten or have a penis put where he doesn't want want one put, so he will take death at the hands of these headhunters. The chief puts a hand on the athiest's shoulder and goes to walk away, stopping after about 5 steps, he turns and yells out in a loud booming voice, ""You will be killed at sunset, BUT FIRST, GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!!""" +26774,1,How do crazy people make it through a forest? They take the psycho-path. +26775,1,"Advice needed, please, on cooking roadkill What do you do with the bike? " +26776,0,"Harambe gets to the gates of heaven... Harambe gets to the gates of heaven where he is greeted by two other animals. A lion and an elephant harambe asks them ""So how did you die?"" The lion says ""I was killed for the entertainment of a man."". The elephant says ""I was killed for my tusks."". The elephant asks Harambe how he died and Harambe says ""Two stupid parents left there 2 year old son unwatched so they killed me when he fell in my economy.""" +26777,1,I made a miniature lemon-lime pie... It was a little tart +26778,7,When no one answers your r/AskOuija You do it ___ +26779,2,"My father always told me that I could get married once I left school. I didn't get the reasoning, but I scheduled my wedding for 3pm just to be sure." +26780,1,"My girlfriend might be a bit clingy, but she sure is going places... Like home. Go home." +26781,4,"My wife said I should get in touch with my feminist side. So I burnt dinner, crashed the car, and just ignored her all night for no reason. " +26782,1,How can you tell the age of a fake Christmas tree? By the tape rings on the box! +26783,1,"Ask me if I can whup that Tiger, go on, go on ask me. Can you whup that Tiger?????????? I Shere Khan." +26784,0,the manager calls in his asst mngr for top level meeting. MANGR: i hate to break this to you but i thnk we have a general staff infection. Asst: uhh..did u have an open wound or something? M: what! no...but i m pretty sure everyone in my office has the clap.. +26785,3,"My girlfriend's been screaming another man's name during sex. I don't know who this ""Help"" guy is, but she must love him. " +26786,2,"I said to my friend ""I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about"" He said "" beavers"" ""damn"" I replied...." +26787,4,"A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says “Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I’ll buy you another one,”. The man whines “First I wake up and my wife left me and took my kids, then I go to get my car and my wife took it, then I go to work and my job has been taken and I was replaced, so I came here, got a shot, and put poison in it, and you took my shot!”. “" +26788,5,"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you and I will find you You have my word." +26789,0,Dammit! I missed the Blink 182 show. +26790,2,A farmer down the street said he'd been practicing ventriloquism Turns out he was just talking out of his ass +26791,1,What did one sheep herder say to the other sheep herder? Let's get the flock out of here +26792,0,Who called it hijab? When they could have called it a deter-gent. +26793,0,"Computers and my spouse are very similar in some ways. If ever there is something wrong, it's probably my fault." +26794,2,"The 7 Dwarfs had twin friends, Horny and Serious visiting from out of town. Doc walks in to the living room and sees one of them with his pants off playing with his junk right out in the middle of the room. “You can’t be serious” he yells. “No,” he replied, “he’s fucking bashful.”" +26795,2,"A man is pulled over by a cop... The cop approaches the car and says, ""Sir, step out of the vehicle. You are under arrest. Not only were you speeding well above the limit, but you were driving straight down the middle of the road!"" The man protests, ""But officer, I'm allowed to do that! It says so on my driver's license!"" The cop doesn't believe the man, and demands to see where it says that he's allowed to drive so recklessly. The man pulls out his license, which is a temporary license printed on paper, and points to the bottom. ""See? It says right here: tear down the dotted line.""" +26796,0,"A woman was at a costume party.... ...dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. While she was talking to a friend, a man dressed as the Werewolf came up to her and said, ""I've found you, Little Red Riding Hood, and now I'm going to eat you!"" The woman, not batting an eye, replied, ""Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"" " +26797,1,What would Bill Gates say to finish off his rap song? word. +26798,2,"A DEATH IN THE FAMILY A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, ""What's wrong?"" She says, ""My mom died."" He told her to go home, but she said, ""No, I'll be fine."" Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, ""What's wrong?"" She replies, ""I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!""" +26799,0,Do you know what happened to Kermit? He tried to Kermit suicide. +26800,3,"One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in. As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina. * **Miss Catarina**: *Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds.* The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture. * **Miss Catarina**: *I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty?* Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names. * **Miss Catarina**: *And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here.* (She says with a smirk) The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement. * **Miss Catarina**: *I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen!* Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two. * **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope!* The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused. * **Miss Catarina**: *I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money!* The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical. * **Miss Catarina**: *It was nice meeting you, Penelope!* She then moves to the second child. * **Miss Catarina**: *Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian!* * **Lillian**: *Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly!* * **Miss Catarina**: *And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower!* The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern. * **Miss Catarina**: *It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian.* Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child. * **Miss Catarina**: *And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all!* While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina. * **Skeptical Woman**: *I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving!* While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him. * **Miss Catarina**: *You have a wonderful day, Richard!* " +26801,1,How many blondes does it take to change the lightbulb? None. They thought that their eyes were closed. +26802,1,My dad is like a boomerang. He's Australian. +26803,4,"Two men are speeding when they get pulled over...... The driver tells his passenger, ""I'll take care of this."" As soon as the cop approaches, the man leans out and tells the cop, Just to let you know, I have a loaded gun in the glove box."" The cop orders them out of the car, face down on the sidewalk, cuffs them and backs over to his radio to call backup and his commander. While they're waiting, the driver says, ""Lets get it out of the way, the car is stolen and there's a kilo of coke in the trunk."" The passenger is freaking out. The driver lifts his head ever so slightly off the sidewalk and winks to him. Finally the commander and half the police department arrive and toss the car. The commander grabs the driver, and hauls him up face to face and screams ""What the hell is going on? My officer says you have a loaded handgun in the glove box, but there's nothing but napkins and insurance papers in there! He says, the car's stolen but its registered to you! And he says there's drugs in the trunk, but it's completely empty!"" The driver looks him dead in the eye and says, ""next you'll tell me that son of a bitch told you I was speeding!"" " +26804,6,"My Gran just asked me ""What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"" It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer." +26805,0,"Donald Trump was late for his meeting with Queen Elizabeth When he finally gets there he says: ""Don't worry the person responsible will be fired soon."" The Queen responds: ""So, Robert Mueller finally started the impeachment proceedings.""" +26806,0,There should be a Reddit gift for police officers on this site: Reddit copper. +26807,0,"We had joke hour in my discord My best friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties today. I don't know what was worse: the fact that she was still wearing them or that his whole family was there. Either way, the funeral got way more awkward after that. ​ 2 squirrels were getting married in a tree, a dog comes barking at the tree ""NO YOU MUST NOT MARRY HIM, FOR I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!"" The lady squirrel was all confused, then said ""Wait, Scruffy? You're looking for Jane, she's getting married in the other tree."" ""Oh sorry I was BARKING up the wrong tree!""" +26808,1,"Reagan's Soviet Joke You know theres a 10 year delay in the soviet union of delivery of an automobile and only one out of 7 families in the soviet union own automobiles. There's a 10 year wait and you go through quite a process when you were ready to buy, and then you put up the money in advance. This happened to one fella and this is their story that they tell. So this man laid down the money and the man that was in charge there said “ok come back in 10 years and get your car” and he said “morning or afternoon”... and the fella behind the counter said “well 10 years what difference does it make?” and he said “well the plumbers coming in the morning”" +26809,6,"So i just ate at this new restaurant called “Karma” They don’t have menus, they just give you what you deserve." +26810,6,"A youngster comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, ""What’s in the bags?"" ""Sand,"" answered the youngster. The guard says, ""We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the youngster overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases the yo, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the younster's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, ""What have you got?"" ""Sand,"" says the youngster. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the youngster and he crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. . Finally, the youngster doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. ""Hey, Buddy,"" says the guard, ""I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"" The youngster answers, ""Bicycles.""" +26811,3,What do you call a plane that can bounce? A boeing. +26812,4,"Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big." +26813,3,"A little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap. His grandfather was smoking a cigar, so the little boy asked, ""can I have puff of that cigar?"" The grandfather asked him, ""does your dick touch your asshole?"" The little boy says, ""no"" So the grandfather says, ""then you can't have a puff of my cigar."" A few days later the little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap and his grandfather was drinking a beer this time, so the boy asked, ""can I have a sip of your beer?"" And the grandfather asked, ""does your dick touch your asshole?"" Boy says, ""no"" and the grandfather says, ""then you can't have a sip of my beer."" 3 days later the little boy was outside the porch with a plate of cookies, and the grandfather comes out and asked him, ""Can I have a cookie?"" The little boy asked him, ""does your dick touch your asshole?"" Grandfather says, ""yes"" then the little boy says, ""then go fuck yourself"" " +26814,2,"Three guys are stranded on a deserted island One of the guys finds a lamp with a genie inside. The genie says: Thank you for freeing me. In return, I will grant you a wish each. The first guy says: I wish I was at home with my wife and kids! ""As you wish"" the genie says. Poof and the guy is at home with his wife and kids. The second guy says: I wish I was at the playboy mansion surrounded by lots of beautiful women! ""As you wish"" the genie says. Poof and the guy is at the playboy mansion surrounded by beautiful women. ""And what about you?"" The genis asks. ""What is your wish?"" The third guy looks around and says: It's quite lonely here now. I wish the other two guys where back!" +26815,4,"All my girlfriend Jen ever talks about is my penis. If you don't believe me, just ask her yourself. Jenn'll tell ya." +26816,0,"I asked my Doctor what was wrong with my kid's face. He looked at my son carefully, then said he would call his friend, the plastic surgeon. ""Dick knows"" he said, as he dialed the phone." +26817,3,My Ex-Wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! It's funny because marriage is terrible. +26818,3,Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables? Because he always stands over the corn and peas. Ho ho ho.... +26819,0,Why did Dracula fail math? He forgot how to Count. +26820,9,What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts +26821,0,"The tech sub didn't like my true tech story, so I decided maybe r/jokes would like it. I present to you, ""Dad needs a new laptop"". My dad called a few days ago saying his laptop is slow and asked if I would find him a few good deals on something new. So I looked up a few and put them in a cart to show him when he came over. Me - “OK dad I found a few good ones. What do you think your price range is?” Dad looks at my Newegg cart - “Wait, none of those look like what I want. Those are the older style. I want one you can touch.” Me - “What do you mean? Like a tablet?” Dad - “Yeah, like a tablet.” Me finding tablets - “Like these?” Dad - “Those look pretty big, do they have ones you can put in your pocket? I want to carry it around.” Me finding small tablets - “Like these?” Dad “Exactly! And I want one you can take photos with.” Me - “Dad, you are talking about a smart phone.” Dad - “Oh no fuckin way I don’t want one of those things. I just need a touch screen computer that fits in my pocket and takes good photos.” Me - “Like a smart phone...” Dad pulls out his ancient looking flip phone - “No way! I already have a phone! I can send texts and everything! Why does this have to be so difficult?” SMH Dad - “And make sure it has Windows 7.” " +26822,1,I try to remain impartial in chariot races but I have to admit... I'm with Hur. +26823,5,My sister asked for something hard to write on... I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand. +26824,2,"Being Happy is like pissing your pants Everyone can see it, but your the only one who can feel the warmth " +26825,0,I slappa da bass man... ... then he and the drummer beat the shit out of me :( +26826,0,I know 10 facts about you: ## Fact 1: You are reading this. ## Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips. ## Fact 3: You just tried it. ## Fact 4: You're smiling. ## Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again. ## Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5. ## Fact 8: You just checked it. ## Fact 9: You're smiling again. ## Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :) +26827,2,Q. Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef? A. The steaks are too high +26828,0,"3 prisoners in a cell 3 prisoners in a cell: -The pervert -The psycho -The gay The pervert said:"" if there is cat here, i'll rape it until it's dead!!!"" The psycho said:"" YEAH...When it's dead, I'll rape it until I'm dead"" The gay standed in a corner and then gently said:"" meowwwww""" +26829,0,What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone: (its gone) +26830,3,I don't understand unemployed people They make no cents. +26831,4,"LPT: If you feel cold, stand in a corner They're usually around 90 degrees" +26832,4,"One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the office of the Dean of Sciences. In rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. ""What are you doing?"" the others demand. The statistician replies, ""Well, to solve the problem, you obviously need a larger sample size.""" +26833,4,Do you want to see a joke? You just reddit. +26834,0,Why did Bob the Builder vote for Trump? A Mexican handyman took his job. +26835,0,"An elephant never forgets but with the power of Jesus, he can learn to forgive." +26836,2,My friend put his dick in a peanutbutter jar He's fucking nuts I tell ya +26837,1,"Two men are sitting having coffee in a diner. One of them goes to buy lottery tickets... Two men are sitting in the diner, having their usual morning coffee. “Well, I’m off to buy some lottery tickets” says the first guy. “No.” Says the second man. “You shouldn’t buy lottery tickets!” “And why not?” asks the first guy. “Well let me put it this way” the second man starts. “You are more likely to be mauled by a black bear and a polar bear on the same day than winning the lottery.” “That’s the biggest lie that I’ve heard in my whole life!” The first guy says. “Why is that?” “If you’ve already been mauled by a black bear, why the fuck would you be hanging out with a polar bear on the same fucking day???” " +26838,1,"Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal. Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning." +26839,1,What do you call a Chinese dinosaur with a reading disability? Dysrexic +26840,0,The trouble with the average family is it has too much month left over at the end of the money. — +26841,1,"Two men are hunting in the woods behind the house of one of them. One looks through the scope of his rifle and says to the other, ""Your wife is in their with another man."" The husband says, ""Shoot her in the head and him in the balls."" The other man says, ""That'll be easy. I can do that in one shot!""" +26842,2,My wife thinks that I’m too nosy... At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary. +26843,0,STDs are a lot like Pokemon... gotta catch 'em all +26844,10,"You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today." +26845,3,"There are 10 types of people in this world, Those who understand binary and those who don't." +26846,0,"A fat guy and a thin guy meet: Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!” Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”" +26847,3,What did the leper say to the hooker? Keep the tip +26848,2,"2 cannibals Greg and Alan Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet. About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing Alan replies ""I'm having a ball Greg."" Greg says ""slow down your eating too fast.""" +26849,1,"News flash! Britney Spears badly injured after shelving unit containing a single Nintendo console collapses on top of her... Doctors say her condition is touch and go. A spokesperson for Ms Spears said her last words were ""my lonely NES is killing me.""" +26850,0,They say a woman's work is never done... Maybe that's why they're paid less. +26851,2,Getting up Is only the second hardest thing in the morning. +26852,0,What do you call a state named after highways? Road Island. +26853,0,"A man went to see his therapist about his psychotic fantasy of making love to the members of Jersey Shore .. ""So, why did you come see me today?"" ""Well, while I was at work, I couldn't stop imagining having sex with the cast of Jersey Shore! It was awful, and I got nothing done that day!"" The psychologist stroked his beard in deep thought. ""You must understand,"" the psychologist replied, ""that these are just fantasies. But carrying them out to make these feelings go away is obviously not advised, since this is rape."" ""Yeah, I understand."" The man moaned in defeat as he put his head in his hands. The two sat in silence for a moment, until the psychologist had a brilliant idea. ""I think I can help you get over these perverse fantasies, but you must follow my every word. Do you accept?"" The man nodded his head, and the psychologist began to walk the man through the procedure. ""Imagine that you're in front of a sprawling mansion, and the entire cast of Jersey Shore is standing in front of you."" ""No ... this is too hard."" the man responded, trying to imagine with his eyes closed. ""You must continue, or these fantasies will continue. Now, the cast is unaware of your existence. They are busy playing volleyball in the pool, enjoying themselves."" The man was wincing, trying to suppress his base desires. The psychologist knew he had to act quickly or this therapy session would be all for nothing. ""Now,"" said the psychologist, ""insert yourself into the situation! Are they looking at you now?"" The man opened his eyes, shook his head in surprise, and asked the psychologist, ""Hold on! Didn't you say that was rape?""" +26854,2,My dog's name is Karma Because she's a bitch +26855,3,How does Harry Potter go down a hill? Walking. JK ROLLINGGG +26856,3,There is a boy that went to school after 3 weeks of absence... The teacher asks him: -Why didn't you come to school in your first week of absence? Boy:A brick fell on my grandma and we had to burry her. Teacher:But second week? Boy:A brick fell on my grandpa and we had to burry him. Teacher:And the last week? Boy:A brick fell on my dad and we had to burry him. Teacher:But what were you doing all this time?? Boy:I was on the roof of my house playing with bricks. +26857,0,What was the cat amputee's reaction to her successful transplant? It gave her pause +26858,2,A series of dots and dashes is Morse code. A series of sobs and tears is re-Morse code. +26859,5,"Ever since having my baby daughter, she's become the only reason I get out of bed 16 times every fucking night." +26860,0,Tom Petty is going to be placed in his casket on his stomach. Probably best since he won't back down. +26861,3,"What is Yoda's last name? ""Lay Hee Whooo!"" Guys, I'm so sorry for posting this but my wife turned to me and asked this in all seriousness, then laughed her ass off when she told me the punchline. She's super proud of her terrible joke, and no I don't think Yoda is a Swiss mountain climber, I'm actually just really happy that's she's finally watching Star Wars with me...." +26862,0,Do you want a yeast infection? Because I'll be the fungi in your vagina. +26863,0,How is called the president of a packaging company? The Boxx +26864,2,"Friend: Bro, you have over 300 apps on your phone wtf?!?!? Me: Yeah i have an appidemic..." +26865,4,"I asked my wife if i was the only one she'd been with She said yes, the others were sevens or eights" +26866,2,"Soon, usernames will be passed in families as a legacy ""Son, there's something i want you to have.., it's my username"" ""Oh jees, thanks dad ! "" ""You're welcome son, euh i mean SirSpankALot"" " +26867,1,"What do you a call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter, he won't come anyway when you call him." +26868,3,How many potatoes does it take to kill a million Irishmen? None. +26869,0,"I've been alive for 25 years, only a fraction of a second compared to the age of the universe but still measureable. Unlike your mom." +26870,1,My new pants feel like a cheaply made castle. They have no ballroom. +26871,3,"I'm sorry I said ""nice phone"" When you showed me a picture of your baby.." +26872,0,"A young man is looking for a job as a blacksmith... he goes to Smithy Joe to see if he can offer him any work. Smithy Joe asks, 'Have you any experience in the craft?'. The young man says, 'A little here and there.' Smithy Joe asks,'Have you ever shoed a horse.' The young man replies, 'No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.'" +26873,1,"How many contractors does it take to replace a light globe? Two. One to buy the wrong size globe, and another to replace the existing light fitting to suit the new globe." +26874,3,My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.... She came crawling back. +26875,0,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Don't hate, its a classic." +26876,5,"A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars... Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard. The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house. He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the door down. The neighbor and his wife are sitting on the couch. ""Where's my fucking money?! I'll kill you if you don't tell me!"" He points the gun at the neighbor, and demands that his wife translate into sign language. She signs to him what was said, and he signs back, ""Tell him I buried it by that big cherry tree down the street."" His wife looks at the gun-toting neighbor, and says, ""He said, 'Fuck you, I'd rather die'""" +26877,3,If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....... Do you think Greece would help? +26878,3,The 2 steps to success in life 1.Never tell anyone your biggest secret +26879,1,"The commissar came to the collective farms to see how devoted the farmers are to the Soviet cause. He asked a farmer ""If the communist party asked you to give your car up, would you do it?"" The farmer enthusiastically replied ""I will give 2 cars away, for my fellow comrades."" The commissar then asked ""If the party asked you to donate 10000 rubels, would you do it?"" The farmer replied ""I will give 20000 rubels, for my fellow comrades"". The commissar then asked ""If the party asked you to give away a cow, would you do it?"" The farmer said ""no way!"" The commissar was confused. ""Why would you give away 2 cars and 20000 rubels, but not a single cow?"" The farmer replied ""because I actually own a cow."" " +26880,0,"A husband and wife are in the kitchen on a Sunday morning after a long night of arguing... While the husband gets about making a pot of coffee his wife is starting to make a pan of scrambled eggs. Her husband watches her quietly for a moment then exclaims suddenly, ""Turn them, it's starting to burn! Oh, you left a shell over there, no there! What, you didn't see that?"" His wife grumbles quietly to herself, not wanting to get into another argument, only to hear him start again. ""Please, no more salt! Are you trying to kill me?! Can you raise the heat, this is taking too long. No! Not that high, are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?!"" Finally having heard enough she yells back at him, ""OK, what the heck is your problem? I'm just cooking eggs. If you don't like it, go do it yourself and don't bother me!"" Calmly her husband replies, ""I just wanted you to understand how I feel driving you around in our car, that's all. Now, perhaps you have some idea of what I have to put up with.""" +26881,2,"I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning... We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, ""I am NOT happy!!!"" I said, ""Well then which one are you?"" " +26882,1,"A woman by the name of Helen Hunt has found a lady’s pocketbook. So if you lost your pocketbook, go to Helen Hunt for it. Thank you." +26883,2,"A man once said to his son Man: Never lend out your books Son: why? Man: Because all the books I have, I borrowed." +26884,2,"Joke from an old man Typical day at my gas station, I tell some jokes, give some wives tales, and, One night, I tell my usual fib to an old man, 'Did you know, We call dollars, Bucks, because yhere used to be a buck on the one dollar bill!?' He then chuckles and replies, 'You ever heard of the elks lodge?' Of course I have, its a place in my state, and I humour him and say yeah, he then proceeds to say, 'Do you know why the doe went to the elks lodge?' ""No?"" 'To blow a few bucks!' (This guy is like, 70-80 years old and told me this joke. I love it.)" +26885,1,Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese. Make Britain grate again. +26886,0,I wish time would stop for us It needs to be more polite. +26887,0,"How many women does it take to change a light bulb. No one knows, they normally don't parade around the house acting like they deserve a medal for doing something so simple." +26888,1,Whats the difference between an Oral Thermometre and a Rectal Thermometre? The taste +26889,2,"Do you want to hear brand-new unoriginal jokes? Nah, I already reddit. " +26890,0,How does one get hearing aids? By fucking someone’s ear without a condom +26891,1,What did the poet with hemorrhoids say? I'm stuffin the puffin back into my muffin. +26892,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the reposter’s house. Knock knock “Who’s there?” The chicken. +26893,1,I just came back from my trip to the Virgin Islands... Now they just call them Islands. +26894,0,"I have a half brother... We have the same parents, but he doesn't have any legs." +26895,0,"Just remember, giving a compliment cost you nothing... Unless it's about how hot your subordinate looks." +26896,5,"Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person Today, I lost my job as a bus driver." +26897,3,I have a friend who is in love with Pixar movies. He's fucked Up +26898,2,"Angry Wife Someone posted this on Funny Droid (Android Application ) : Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. ""Oh welcome home darling,"" he says, ""my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."" " +26899,0,Two guys walk into a bar The third one ducks. +26900,0,A bear and a rabbit are taking shit The bears say to the rabbit “ Hay does the shit get stuck to your fur” that rabbit answers no so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit +26901,0,"My wife told me to go and buy Yogurt and eggs. She told me to buy one yogurt, and if there are eggs then i should buy 10. When i got home with 10 yogurts she was pissed." +26902,3,Steve Irwin loved all animals. But stingrays had a special place in his heart. +26903,3,"What do you want to be when you grow up... A teacher in front of her three students asks them about what they want to be once they grow up. She walks up to the first boy. Teacher: so, John what do you want to be when you grow up? John: A firefighter. Teacher: you will grow up to be a strong brave man . Teacher: and you Mary, what do you want to be when you grow up? Mary: A Lawyer. Teacher: You will grow up to be a smart strong lady. Teacher: and finally, Sam, what do you wanna be when you grow up? Sam: I'm never gonna grow up, and neither will John or Mary. Teacher: what do you mean Sam? Of course your gonna grow up. Sam: then I'm gonna be the luckiest terrorist to ever live." +26904,2,"Jimmy Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and Mick Jagger are walking along the beach in Morocco... Jimmy trips over something in the sand and looks down to see a golden lamp. He picks it up and *POOF* out pops a genie. The genie looks at the men and says ""I will grant you each one wish for freeing me from the lamp!"" Hendrix goes first. ""I wish for a diamond the size of my head!"" He exclaims. The genie nods his head and *POOF* a huge diamond appears in Hendrix's hands. Clapton gets excited and says, ""I wish for a massive yacht filled with beautiful women!"" The genie nods his head and *POOF* a yacht bigger than any they've ever seen pulls up to the Moroccan beach. The genie turns to Mick Jagger, who thinks for a minute, and finally says, ""I'm pretty hungry, I could go for a roll."" The genie nods his head and *POOF* a street vendor pushes his cart up the beach and hands Mick a delicious looking roll from his cart. The genie vanishes and Hendix and Clapton give Jagger an incredulous look. ""You could have wished for anything in the world and that's what you wished for?!"" Jagger gives them a defensive look and says ""I know it's only a Moroccan roll, but I like it"" " +26905,3,"Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn. The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals. Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in. In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside. Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs." +26906,2,A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website... but I had never met herbivore. +26907,2,Two blonde women walk into a bar Neither of them knew what hit them +26908,10,I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup... I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet. +26909,0,"A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job. He finds an ad in the paper that says ""If you want to succeed be at X address June 15th 12 PM"". The guy gets a glimpse of hope that he might actually shift his life around so he decides to go. ​ Day comes and sure thing he is at that specific address at the requested time but discovers only an unfinished office building. He goes in, elevator taped up, but on the staircase door there's a sign ""If you want to succeed go to the 1st floor"". ​ He climbs up to the 1st floor, another sign ""If you want to succeed go to the 2nd floor"". ​ He climbs up to the 2nd floor, another sign ""If you want to succeed go to the 3rd floor"". ​ He climbs up to the 3rd floor, another sign ""If you want to succeed go to the 4th floor"". ​ He climbs up to the 4th floor, no sign. Baffled he walks around the floor and stumbles upon a door that has written on it ""If you want to succeed enter"" ​ Guy enters and as he opens the door he finds a buff scary looking giant man sitting behind a desk. As he sees the guy enter he sits up from his chair and says ""Hello, I'm Ceed, please close the door""." +26910,0,"If I started a religion, it would be called Wallabyism May wallaby with you." +26911,0,"Happy New Year! This year, I am thinking of changing to a better browser than Internet Explorer. Which one do you recommend?" +26912,5,"Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! A reporter said - ""But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered ""We will land at night"". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause ! Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - ""What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"" Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause" +26913,1,Why was the reposters computer infected? Because he was a karmawhore. +26914,0,Who is an IT person's favorite DBZ character? Mr. POPO +26915,4,My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs. I'm in shock. I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber. +26916,4,"The man who invented autocorrect, should burn in hello." +26917,2,"I bought the new ""Ford"" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work. I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck. " +26918,1,My jokes are like onions... They're layered. And because if you dissect them I'll cry. +26919,0,What's the difference between Donald Trump and an orange? One does not blame light bulbs for its color +26920,3,"The car accident A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. ""I can't stand it anymore,"" she told him. ""Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."" He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. ""Go to the road and get help,"" he said. ""I don't have anything to cover myself with!"" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. ""You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,"" he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. ""My boyfriend! My boyfriend!"" she sobs, ""He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, ""Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!""" +26921,1,What kind of dinosaur loves to take a shit? A Craptor. +26922,1,Did you hear about the geometry teacher who tried to take a selfie? It was a protracted process but eventually he found the right angle. +26923,3,"In a bar, an American, an Italian, a Turkish and an Indian met. After a few pegs, they started discussing about the great things their respective nations produced. American: ""We are proud of our CIA. They know everything that is going around the world, often even before it happens"". Italian: ""We are proud of our women. They are the most beautiful in the world and are never easy to bed"". Turkish: ""We are proud of our carpets. They are such fine works of art. I doubt anyone else can make carpets of such high quality"". Then they all turned to the silent Indian waiting for his response. Indian: ""I guess I'm just proud of myself"". They all asked what made him say so. Indian: ""Well you see, last night I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet but the CIA knew nothing about it""." +26924,1,Have you heard of Jack Ma's sister? She's a real bitch. Her name is Kar Ma. +26925,6,"I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit, even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!" +26926,1,"What makes you go ""mmmmmmmmm""? Duct tape" +26927,5,"Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum. The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: ""We are warriors!"" ""We are heroes!"" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: ""But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!""" +26928,4,"A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until the pussy cried ""Meow"" and ran away. Moral Lessons 1. Be kind to Animals 2. Always keep your thoughts clean..." +26929,1,I had my pet duck drug tested this morning... Turns out he’s been doing quack this whole time! +26930,0,Just the other day I was impressing my friend by demonstrating just how safe it is to play catch with a live hand grenade. It totally blew his mind. +26931,2,"A little boy says to his sister: ""Guess what sis, I have two Blow Pops!"" Sister: ""Oh thank God, that means he won't make me do it tonight.""" +26932,3,What do you call a squirrel with a food fetish? Fucking nuts. +26933,0,"How can the KKK be finally eradicated? By pushing 'Ctrl', 'Alt', 'R', & 'Del' at the same time." +26934,0,"A boy who was adopted by two gay fathers gets picked on because he has gay parents. Bully: ""Your dad is gay!"" Son: ""Which one?" +26935,1,"A man walks into a bar He says “ouch, who put this bar here?”" +26936,0,"I bought a big pack of animal crackers today... But after buying it, I remembered my vegetarian roommate. I asked myself this question: Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?" +26937,0,"We were all worried for this sentence , ^(*it lapsed into a comma*)" +26938,0,What does Ramen and Ketchup taste like together? Poverty. +26939,0,"Did you see the new season of the road show? Man, it’s really gone downhill." +26940,1,"What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you fucking racist. " +26941,4,How does NASA organise a party? They planet. +26942,0,Courtesy of my nine year-old: Where does a cow go to see art displayed? The Moooo-seum Bonus answer: The Moooo-Ma if you're into modern art +26943,0,What do you call a married female bodybuilder? Hypertrophy wife +26944,1,What plane was used by the Navy to draw the dick in the sky? A Boeing. +26945,0,What’s the difference between Thomas the Tank Engine and Princess Diana? Thomas the Tank Engine can make it through a tunnel... +26946,2,What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe? . . . mitosis +26947,0,How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb All we know is that there are not enough of them +26948,2,"April 1st Operation (Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.) ""How's my wife? How's my baby?"" ""Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."" (Man starts crying) ""APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!"" (laugh) (Man starts laughing with the doctor.) ""The fact is your wife died as well.""" +26949,0,I read off a study that black women get no responses on dating sites from men other than black men. That's not true. My girlfriend is half black. I gave her half a response. +26950,1,"If a parachute fails while skydiving, don't worry! You have plenty of time. You have the rest of your entire life to fix it!" +26951,0,"Man spots John Goodman on the street He says, what is up, John? - Good, man." +26952,0,My penis swells up when my girlfriend touches it. Am i allergic to my girlfriend? +26953,1,Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat? There was no gray V +26954,0,How many times can look at the sun with a telescope? You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left! +26955,1,What dog breed will always leave you behind? A ciao ciao +26956,0,"How many drone strikes does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they're only 17% sure it changed the right light bulb." +26957,1,"Have you ever? Have you ever looked at a hot Mexican girl and thought, ""I want to put a citizen in you""?" +26958,4,"A black dude and his white friend goes into a bakery The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the white, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."" The white man says to the black man, ""That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."" Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""So what did you do with the pastries?"" The white man replies, ""Look in the black mans back pocket....."" " +26959,2,A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date. They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant. Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.” +26960,0,Why does the doctor spank the baby after birth? To knock the dicks off the dumb ones. +26961,0,A recipe for disaster. The product? Trumpkin Pai. +26962,0,"Wife. and Football I love my football , so one day while I was watching my favourite Team on a Saturday afternoon with a couple of beers, my Wife said to me, can we go shopping? I replied, no I am watching football, she said you think more of fucking football than you do of me, I replied I think more of fucking table tennis than I do of you. " +26963,1,What kind of key unlocks a banana? A monkey. +26964,1,My thoughts on necrophilia? I'm digging it +26965,3,"Two competitive best friends do everything together, so they decide to marry their girlfriends on the same day. They have a joint ceremony, joint reception, and afterwards they go on a joint honeymoon. While staying in a beautiful hotel, the first man turns to the second and says: “I’m going to have sex with my wife for hours tonight” The second turns back and says “Well I’m going to go until sunrise” However, they don’t want to piss off their wives by comparing tallies. “How about this: however many times you have sex with your wife, order that many slices of toast at breakfast. I’ll do the same, and we’ll see who wins. Deal?” “Deal.” The next morning comes around and the first man looks smug. The waiter comes to take his order for breakfast. “Yes. I would like 8 slices of toast please” The first man looks at the second, who raises his eyebrows in surprise. “And you sir?” “I’ll also have 8 slices, but make four of them brown” " +26966,0,How many babies do you need to paint a wall? It depends how strong you throw them +26967,6,"Curious Little Johnny asks his Grandpa, ""Do you still have sex with Grandma?"" ""Yes son, but only oral sex."" ""What is that?"" ""I say fuck you, she says fuck you too.""" +26968,4,"A father says to his son Father: Son, if you don’t stop masturbating you’re gonna go blind! Son: Dad I’m over here..." +26969,2,how do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin. +26970,1,Jesus saves... ...passes to Moses. He shoots -- AND SCORES! +26971,0,I heard Tanya Harding is suing Colin Kaepernick. She thinks he stole her idea to take a knee. +26972,1,"Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time. Then I usually take my amnesiac meds." +26973,3,"“What’s a couple?” I asked my mum “Two or three,” she answered, which is probably why her marriage collapsed. " +26974,0,"What do you call a tin of Altiods saying nice things about you. A ""Complimint""." +26975,1,"There once were two cats - one was named 'one two three' and the other was named 'un deux trois'... One day, the two cats came across a wide river. On the other side, there seem to be an endless amount of cat food. So, both of the cats wanted to swim across. One two three cat made it across, but un deux trois quatre cinq." +26976,0,Gorilla tape isn't stronger than duct tape anymore because... ... They shot and killed it. +26977,0,"I went to adopt a dog the other day Although there were many fine animals to select from, I saw one dog that was remarkably different. He had these big adorable eyes that instantly weakened my sensibilities. But what was even cuter was the little dinner jacket that he was wearing. It went perfectly with his bow tie. And if this wasn't enough the little guy also had a piano. I stood completely astonished. I just couldn't wait for this little dog to play a song. About this time, the caretaker came and asked if I had seen anything that caught my interest. I said ""Yes, this little guy over here with the piano is just irresistible."" He then proceeded to caution me, ""While that dog can play the piano and even sing, the lyrics he writes are a bit hackneyed. You see, that happens to be a Mark Russell terrier.""" +26978,6,"Five redditors are walking in the forest... ...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each. The first one steps forward. ""I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please"". The genie grants him the wish, and he posts joke #385 on r/Jokes and gets a couple upvotes. The second one asks for a man hanging from a balcony by the fingertips, a man in a refrigerator, and a man coming home from work. The genies grants it, and he posts #9910 on reddit, getting some dozen upvotes. The third one asks for a meta-joke. The genie gives him a reel joke, and it generates a thousand upvotes. The fourth one asks for something to get him the top all-time post spot on r/Jokes. The genie gives him two ""v""s and an edit. He posts it and drowns in karma. The fifth and final redditor asks for an original joke that had never been posted on r/Jokes before. The genie groaned: ""Are you kidding me? Doesn't exist. Your wish is used up, too. Take a ten-lane highway to Hawaii, a legless parrot, and a talking dog, and go away."" Rather than post jokes 839, 3924, and 936, the fifth redditor decides to post a joke about five redditors in a forest. " +26979,3,"The Joke A friend sent me this one. There was a comedy club called “The Joke” that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a line around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only The Joke's punch line wasn't so long..." +26980,4,Things that never get old. #1: making fun of anti vaxers. #2: anti-vaxers' kids. +26981,0,I'm not being homophobic but A lot of gay men are a pain in the arse. +26982,1,"The other day i looked at a list of the most peaceful countries on earth throughout history Much to my surprise, I did Nazi Germany.." +26983,0,What happens when you pour water on 100 orbeez? They start to suffer from orbezity +26984,3,What do you call a group of religious oranges? Jehovah's citruses. +26985,0,Want to know how pokemon find a mate They use Pokegrinder +26986,1,"I like my women how I like my coffee. Medium cold, French Vanilla and Caramel Swirl, Regular." +26987,0,I got BTFO when I brought a pallet of pita bread to Arnold Swarzenegger's house... But it's not my fault. I was told he had a garage full of Hummus +26988,4,"How do you keep warm in cold room? You go to the corner, cause it's always 90 degrees" +26989,0,"Blondes A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, ""What's wrong?"" She says, ""My mom died."" He told her to go home, but she said, ""No, I'll be fine."" Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, ""What's wrong?"" She replies, ""I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!""" +26990,0,"What do glutamine, tyrosine, tryptophan, histidine, god, bull, mother, and ""son of a"" all have in common? They are all precursors " +26991,1,NSFW What's the difference between a Jewish Boy and a boyscout? Only one comes home after camp. +26992,2,What does a frog do when he's bored? rrrrrrrrreddit +26993,0,I love playing golf. I play into the 70's. Any colder and i dont play. +26994,0,What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4. +26995,2,What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with? Thyme management +26996,4,"A girl asks her father a question. ""Daddy, where did I get my name from?"" ""Well, Daisy, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."" Satisfied, she walks away. His second daughter walks up to him and asks him the same question. ""Daddy, where did I get my name from?"" ""Well, Rose, when you were born, a rose fell on your head."" Satisfied, she walks away. ""HMDJKGYGD"". ""Oh, hi, Brick.""" +26997,0,9/11 may have been an inside job but 7/11 is a part time job. +26998,0,How many Lusophone South Americans are there? ​ ​ ​ ​ Brazilians. +26999,4,As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children. Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward. +27000,1,My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof. So she ordered me to sleep on the floor. +27001,2,Harry Potter joke Q. Why can't Snape teach Herbology? A. He can't keep the lilies alive. +27002,1,What's the dankest coffee? Kappa-chino +27003,4,A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors describe his condition as stable +27004,0,"I can determine the texture of materials just by touching them It's true, I felt it with my own hands." +27005,1,Anti vaxx jokes allow dead baby jokes to live on. Unlike the non vaccinated kids. +27006,8,How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide? There are bullet holes in the mirror. +27007,3,"Jack and John A guy in a plane stood up and shouted ""Hijack!"" Everyone panicked. From the other end of the plane a man stood up and shouted back ""Hi John!"" " +27008,2,My nun friend has started to wear holely clothes recently. I think she is getting into a bad habit. +27009,1,I've never been a fan of the song 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles. The ending is just too salty. +27010,6,"I caught my dad chewing pennies and spitting them out. I said, ""Dad, what the hell are you doing?"" He replied, ""Im making us rich son"" ""How?"" I asked ""Simple"", he said, ""I'm making bit coins""" +27011,2,"[NSFW]Why is your first car like anal? Because it is not very good, but your dad will give it to you anyway." +27012,5,What is green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers +27013,2,If I had a piece of bread for every gender I could make one sandwich +27014,0,What does a Russian bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard? A new last name. +27015,0,"A Methodist minister and a Baptist minister..... ....lived across town from each other. They would pass every Sunday morning on their bikes in the center of town as they were heading to their churches. One week the Methodist made it about two thirds of the way across town before he ran into the Baptist, who was on foot. ""Where's you bike?"" ""I think someone took it."" Grumbled the Baptist. ""Well here's what you do,"" the Methodist suggested. ""You need to preach a sermokn on The Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thall shalt not steal,' the thief will feel guilty and return the bike."" The Baptist was thrilled, ""That's a great idea!"" The next week the two met on their bikes in the center of town. ""I see the sermon worked,"" said the Methodist. "" Not exactly."" ""What do you mean?"" ""Well I did what you suggested and preached about The Ten Commandments,"" said the Baptist. ""But when I got to 'Thall shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left it." +27016,4,"The children were lined up in......... The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, ""Take only one. God is watching."" Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, ""Take all you want. God is watching the apples.""" +27017,0,"While my dad was in the army he was shipped of to europe While he was there he found a dog and he named it kilo. Kilo and my dad did amazing this together and worked up the ranks in his area. Soon him and his dog kilo became a leagend and tactical threat. One day on a mission he was ambushed and kilo sadly died. And him and his group mourned kilo's death but his captian came up to him and said ""one thing is for sure he did kiloton" +27018,2,What do you call a fight between a human and a gorilla? A harumble. +27019,3,"My girlfriend wanted me to expand my horizons by tasting weird looking vegetables I said OK, but I draw the line at Stephen Hawking" +27020,0,A new fetish restaurant has opened in my town Think I'll avoid the toad in the hole though. +27021,4,"My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective, and said we should split up What a good idea, that way we can cover more ground!" +27022,1,"One day in a small town a store opens up. This store sells two things, trumpets and guns. After a few months of business, a shady man walks in.""How's buisness?"" he asks. The store manager says, ""Actually it evens out, whenever someone buys a trumpet, their neibor buys a gun!""" +27023,4,"Jesus and Moses are hanging in Heaven, talking about the good ole days ""You think we still got it, Jesus?"" ""Oh, sure. I don't think our ability to perform miracles just goes away, do you?"" ""Let's find out!"" Jesus and Moses head down to Earth and are at the edge of the Red Sea. Sure enough, Moses lifts his hands and the water parts, leaving a clear path across. He smirks at Jesus, and Jesus steps up for his turn. He stepped out into the water and immediately sank. Moses looked at him confused and said ""I guess the ability does go away!"" Jesus smiled and said ""Last time I did this, I didn't have these fuckin holes in my feet!""" +27024,1,"In a random chat a woman I never met messaged me ""You are rather gifted at analingus."" I was shocked, I never met her, and I didn't think she communicated with any of my former partners. Then she messaged correction analogies." +27025,0,"So this guy was throwing the Pizza dough in the air So you know one time the dough came down and landed on his chest and the guy had his shirt open with hair on his chest. So one of the customers said to the waitress. ""Hey ain't that a little unsanitary that guy is dropping the dough on his chest like that? "" And the girl says ""that ain't nothing, you should be here when he's making doughnuts.""" +27026,3,"Three old men sitting on a park bench... The first one says ""Windy isn't it?"" The second says ""Nope. Thursd'y"" The third says ""Me too- let's go for a pint.""" +27027,0,"I saw a kid at the park... ...Being bullied by 3 older boys, so i stepped in. That kid didn't stand a chance against 4 of us." +27028,0,I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting larger. Then it hit me. +27029,5,How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek? Oedipus. +27030,0,"My fat ass couldn't get up this morning. We buried it out back next to the fat horse. Equine animals can eat butter, right?" +27031,1,What song does Mike Tysons sing to himself as he's getting dressed in the morning? Closing Time +27032,0,Yo mama so fat Thanos had to snap twice. +27033,9,What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick? You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it +27034,3,"A man is sleeping soundly in bed… …until he is abruptly woken by a blood-curdling scream, the likes of which he has never heard before. He sits upright and looks out the window and knows immediately that it came from the temple next door. He curses himself for moving to such a stupid location, but it was his first night in the house and after all, he had no way of knowing this would happen before he moved in. In the morning he goes over to the temple and asks them to explain the noise he heard last night. The Head Monk explains to him quite plainly that he can’t say what the noise was because it was part of the sacred monk initiation ritual and only monks could know the origin of the screaming. The man is, of course, annoyed at this response but accepts it, mutters something about “stupid monks” and goes home. That night, the same thing happens again. He is awoken by the scream and is frustrated enough that he goes back to the temple in the morning and asks to be a monk. The Head Monk says that he is pleased that the man would like to join their order and explains that there is just one task that the man must complete in order to join (and he confirms that the man will learn the cause of the screaming as well). The task is to unlock the blue door with this key, the monk says, and hands the man a perfectly normal looking key. The man is a little confused, but, more or less excited to see what the screaming is coming from. So the monk leads the man into a small, square room with a door on one edge and a beautiful table in the middle, maybe 1 ft square and 4 ft off the ground. The door is red, but the man only has the one key so he tries to unlock it anyway. Much to his surprise, the door unlocks and opens but the key disappears only to magically reappear back on the table. No matter, the man thinks, he goes and grabs the key and walks through the red door into another room. This room has a green door in it, so the man once again unlocks the door, loses the key and sees that its back on the table. He knows he’ll need it for the blue door at least so he walks back through the red door and into the room with the table, grabs the key, and walks back through the red door and then through the green door where he finds a long hallway. He heads down the long hallway and at the very end finds an orange door. He tries the orange door (its locked of course) and once again puts the key in to unlock it. The key once again disappears and the man assumes its back on the table in the first room so he heads down the long hallway, through the green door through the red door and finds the key on the table. He picks it up and heads back out through the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway and through the recently unlocked orange door and he finds himself in an elevator. No lock on the elevator and only one button, so the man presses the button and begins his ascent. The elevator doors open to another door, this one is yellow, and is unfortunately locked. So the man uses the key only to see it disappear once again. So the man turns around and heads down the elevator and then through the orange door and down the long hallway and through the green door and through the red door to find the key on the table. He picks it up and walks back out through the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator and through the yellow door at the end. He now finds himself in a grand circular room with eight doors! Much to his dismay, none are blue. But he is a dedicated and methodical man so he picks a door at random and decided to work in a circle from there. So the first door he picks is black. He goes to open it and it’s the same story, the key disappears. So he turns back to go out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway through the green door through the red door and grabs the key. He takes a second to breathe before going back out the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door and then checks the black door. He swings it open to reveal a brick wall. Still having hope, he moves to the next door, this one is white. He goes to unlock the door and as soon as he does, the key disappears. The man goes out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway through the green door through the red door and grabs the key. Then he travels back out the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door and then checks the white door. This door has another wall. Luck is really not on his side today. So he skips the next door, hoping for some good fortune and unlocks the gray door. I think by now the magic of the key is generally understood so of course he has to go back out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway through the green door through the red door and grabs the key. Then he heads out the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door and then checks the gray door. This door leads him to a twisting hallway. He travels through the hall and finds a pink door at the very end. He unlocks the pink door and immediately turns around to grab the key. Hes walking down the hallway and he thinks that he probably should check to see if that door led anywhere so he could know if he had to go back down the hall again. But, our man is lazy so he makes it to the circular room, goes out the yellow door, rides the elevator down, goes through the orange door, walks down the long hallway, walks through the green door and then through the red door to grab the key resting on the table. He takes the key through the red door, through the green door, down the long hallway, through the orange door, up the elevator, through the yellow door, into the circular room, through the grey door, down the twisting hallways and up to the pink door which he opens to find another wall. So he heads back through the twisting hallway and stands in the circular room again. He goes back to the door he skipped, its purple. He uses the key to unlock it and remembers to open the door and check. Much to his excitement, there is a blue door on the other side of the room! So he heads out through the purple door, out through the yellow door, down the elevator, out the orange door, down the long hallway, through the green door and through the red door, barely stops to grab the key and then heads back through the red door, then the green door, then down the long hallway then through the orange door then up the elevator then through the yellow door into the circular room and then through the purple door. Hes finally confronted with the blue door. He goes up to it, hand shaking in anticipation, and opens the door. At long last sees where the screaming was coming from. I really wish I could tell you, but you're not a monk. " +27035,5,What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench? The NBA +27036,1,What do you call a conversation between midgets? Small talk! +27037,3,"Judge: So Mickey it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she was extremely silly... Mickey: No, I wanted to divorce her because she was fucking Goofy." +27038,2,What's the difference between Harry Potter and Jews? Harry made it out of the chamber. +27039,2,How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool. +27040,1,Sea World threw me out for trying to ride the manatee What's the big deal? It's not like I did it on porpoise! +27041,3,"A family is checking in at reception. A family on the check-in at an hotel. „Family Smith, your room will be number 242“ The dad is asking: „Is the porn disabled“ While the guy behind the reception is replying: „No it‘s just regular porn you sick fuck“" +27042,1,A Sheppard tried to take inventory But he fell asleep when he tried +27043,1,"My brother could never find a good job because he takes his job to seriously.. This one job he picked up was a door to door salesman selling vacuums in an new estate. so he goes to the first house and knocks on the door. A lady opens the door and he throws shit inside all in the new carpet and says, “Lady if this vacuum doesn’t suck up That shit, I’ll eat it!” And she replies Would you like tomato sauce? We don’t have power yet." +27044,2,"Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls... This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs." +27045,0,Did you hear about the time Elton John went to space? Truly a Rocketman +27046,3,"I started dating a Welsh man... I asked him how many sexual partners he had before me, but when he started counting he fell asleep" +27047,4,"A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, ""Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."" The owner says, ""I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."" So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, ""Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."" The bum says, ""Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."" " +27048,0,"That reminds me of the old Hollywood adage, ""What happens at Pill Cosby's house..."" Eh, ....I can't remember the rest." +27049,2,"I was so upset - I lost the spelling bee when I couldn't spell ""Armageddon"" But my friend said ""don't worry, it's not the end if the world!""" +27050,0,What is a band made up of guys having erectile dysfunction called? One Erection +27051,1,I was going to write a joke about taps... ...but I didn't want to faucet. +27052,4,"[NSFW] A man sees a woman on the beach with no arms or legs As he passes her, she asks, ""Sir, I feel so lonely, would you please give me a hug?"" The man hesitates but decides to give in and gives her a hug. The next day the man is walking along the beach again and he sees the same woman laying in the same spot. She sees him and says, ""Sir, I am so sad, would you please give me a kiss? Just one kiss!"" The man hesitates again, but decides that he'll give her a kiss. On the third day the man once again sees the same woman. Once she spots him she asks, ""Sir, I am so unhappy and I'll be single forever, will you please just fuck me? Just one time please! So the man picks up the woman and throws her in the ocean and tells her, ""There, you're fucked""" +27053,0,"Jonny learned about 69. He went home and convinced His wife to try it..... after a few minutes the neighbor came knocking at the front door, but Jonny and His wife were very busy, neighbor kept knocking and finally Jonny got up and walked to the front door wrapped with a blanket. neighbor said: What the fuck happened to you? Jonny: Nothing why? N: Your mouth is bleeding J: Oh I fell and hit my face with something N: With the toilet? J: No why? N: Because You have shit on your forehead." +27054,1,Schrodinger took his cat to the vet Or he didn't. Fuck you. +27055,3,"One Last Blow Some soldiers are deep behind enemy lines and were cornered. One soldier shouts out ""Hey fellas, before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?"" The other soldiers are stunned. "" Fuck No!"" ""Absolutely fucking not!"" ""Go jack off or do whatever but we don't want any part of it!"" ""Fine, I'll find some one who will."" He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them, bullets still flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers. ""What the fuck happened to you!?"" the soldiers ask. ""Fellas, you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!"" ""Well did you get your blow job then?"" ""No, I couldn't find her head!""" +27056,5,"A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condolences and buy him and his son some drinks. Afterwords the son asks, “I thought you were diagnosed with cancer?” The man replies, “I did. I just didn’t want any of them banging your mother.”" +27057,0,"A guy is feeling sick and goes to the doctors The doctor gives him a bottle of pills. ""Take 2 a day."" The next day, the guy ends up in hospital for overdosing on pills. ""Why did you take more than the amount I told you to?"" ""You didn't specify a time zone""" +27058,1,Enjoying Life There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my wife when she has the hiccups. I wish I could wake up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis. +27059,3,"An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time... Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. ""How do you feel about sex?"" he asked, rather tentatively. ""I would like it infrequently "", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, ""Is that one word or two?""" +27060,0,"Trump, Erdogan, Duterte and Kim are all on a plane to Las Vegas together. The engines fail. Oh, Jeez, now I need to find some Kleenex." +27061,3,Where was Elon Musk when he decided to start Tesla? Mad-at-gas-car. +27062,1,"Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!" +27063,0,"Cannibal mom and her child are having lunch ""Mom, the we've ran out of hands,"" the child says. ""Well, have a foot then,"" the mom suggests. ""But moooom, you know I'm lactose intolerant!"" Edit: changed a word and the format" +27064,1,"A Mother of three is sitting on her porch. One of her daughters walks up to her and asks ""Mommy, why am I named Rose?"" Mommy replies with ""because when you were very young, a rose fell on your head."" Rose wonders off. Her second daughter comes up looking puzzled and asks, ""mommy, why am I named Daisy?"" Mommy replies with ""because when you were very young, a daisy fell on your head."" Daisy wonders off. The third child came over and mutters nonsense while slapping his wrists like a wild animal and drueling all over himself, Mommy replies with ""fuck off cinderblock, I haven't got time for your shit...""" +27065,1,"(Racist) My daughter had her black boyfriend thrown in jail for planning to kill me. When I asked her what happened, she said.... ... ""He told me he wanted to marry me, but he'd have to aXe you first.""" +27066,2,I have a fear of long distances I go to great lengths to avoid them. +27067,4,What's a step-dad? Beats me. +27068,1,"I went to Starbucks and came home with a cup of shit.... Turns out, it was crapachino day. " +27069,2,Two of my British friends accidentally used the same Q-Tips Now they're cotton buds. +27070,4,How many bros does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None because it's already lit. +27071,4,"What Reddit taught me... If I'm doing that too much, I should do it again after 51 seconds." +27072,1,I bet I can guess where you got your shoes You got em on your feet! +27073,0,Do you know about the Po Valley? It's where the Po folks live. +27074,1,How do Romans make arts and crafts? With Caesars and gluesticks. +27075,3,How much does the world’s largest Chinese dumpling weigh? WonTon +27076,0,"Confucius say... He who laugh last thinks slowest. He who laughs first, *has dirtiest mind.*" +27077,0,Did you know that if you take the surface of your lungs And put it on a tennis court. You'll freaking die +27078,0,Why did the lollipop join an MLM? Cause it was a sucker. +27079,1,"A string walks into a bar And the bartender says, ""We don't serve your kind here."" So the string leaves and comes back twisted up and it's hair parted. Bartender says, ""Hey aren't you that same string from earlier?"" ""I'm a frayed knot."" Says the string." +27080,1,Whats brown and comes out of Cowes backwards? The Isle of Wight ferry. +27081,3,What do you call an Indian standing on one leg? Balan Singh +27082,1,"The JFK files will be released today. If there's anything that satisfies conspiracy theorists' curiosity, it's files released by the government." +27083,5,The Avengers: Endgame trailer has 14 million views from just one person Dr. Strange +27084,0,What do women love most about Jesus? The second coming. +27085,0,What do you call it when someone steals a cat? Grand Theft Gato +27086,2,"Grampa what are you reading? - A history book. - But that’s a porn book! - Perhaps for you, for me it is history." +27087,4,"At school PE was my favorite class, probably cause I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking kids with my towel, laughing at their little knobs... Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching." +27088,0,What do you call a bunch of chest players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. +27089,0,"A guy goes to his psychiatrist because he's having nightmares. He explains that one night he dreams he's a teepee, and the next night he's a wigwam. This had been going on for months. The psychiatrist thinks for a minute, then says, ""I know what your problem is, you're two tents"" I first posted this in a wood working sub, for someone who just built a teepee... it wasn't very funny there either." +27090,0,"Jared from subway, Jerry Sandusky and Michael Jackson are all waiting to get into heaven. Who gets in? The three little boys in their carryons " +27091,0,NSFW:Guy's should hold on to their memories. Guy's should hold on to their memories. Stupid Auto Correct: I meant mammaries. +27092,1,Why does Donald Trump not want to be buried between the tombs of Roosevelt and Eisenhower? He's still alive. +27093,2,Official /r/jokes announcement +27094,3,A penis can be 11inches max because - more than that and then it’ll be a foot. +27095,1,"My boss's motto was always ""Underpromise and Overdeliver!"" Unfortunately for him, his international shipping company didn't fare well." +27096,1,50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it They should have added 19 more shades +27097,0,A man walks into a bar... His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart. +27098,0,Went to see the movie Constipated But it didn’t come out. From my 11 year old niece. +27099,1,"The Balloonist A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ""Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."" The woman below replied, ""You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."" ""You must be an engineer,"" said the balloonist. ""I am,"" replied the woman, ""How did you know?"" ""Well,"" answered the balloonist, ""everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."" The woman below responded, ""You must be in Management."" ""I am,"" replied the balloonist, ""but how did you know?"" ""Well,"" said the woman, ""you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.""" +27100,2,How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her a couple of testicles. +27101,0,My mom slid across the tub this morning… Continental drift is REAL people +27102,2,My friends are always doing cocaine but I keep telling them I don't want any I just like to smell it sometimes +27103,1,Happiest Job You know what is the happiest job in the world? Suicide bomber. They having a blast. +27104,1,"When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense." +27105,10,"After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts." +27106,2,"If you had to choose between meeting the love of your life and being Spider-Man, What color would your suit be?" +27107,0,"Grandma took a spooky dump, my son said... I stared at him, ""why was it spooky?"" I asked. He responded, ""well, it was a baba-dook""" +27108,3,"What's the difference between a politician and a diaper? No difference. Both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason." +27109,7,In America Martin Luther King only gets one day.... And sharks get a whole week. It's probably because they are great whites. +27110,5,They've just found Jeffery Epstein's diary. ​ His last entry was about twelve years old. +27111,2,"The child and his mother A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?” The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!” The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.” " +27112,0,Now that Stephen Hawking has moved on ... ... let the search for the new Avatar begin! Hopefully without interference from the Fire Nation. +27113,0,"God was talking to Adam... And told him, ""I will make you a wonderful partner. Her name will be Wonderful. She will cook all your meals, wash your clothes, clean up after you, agree with everything you say, and best of all, she will never complain"". ""That's great"" said Adam. ""What will she cost me?"" ""An arm and a leg"" Adam thinks for a minute, then says ""What can I get for a rib?" +27114,6,"Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. ""What happened to you?,"" asked Hillary . ""Well,"" the driver replied, ""the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."" ""What did you tell them?"" asked Hillary. The driver replied, ""I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."" " +27115,3,Two blondes walk into a bar You'd think the second would've seen it there. +27116,0,"This pizza is so greasy ""Nah, it's more italiany""" +27117,0,The flat earth society is pretty big! They have members all around the globe! +27118,2,Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now? Diabetes. Ben has diabetes. +27119,3,What do you get for calling a suicide hotline in Iraq? A job offer +27120,0,"What does a hillbilly girl yell out during sex? Get off me Pa, yer crushing my cigarettes!" +27121,2,Doctor: Do you Smoke? Doctor: Do you Smoke? Me: Everytime after sex Doctor: But your lungs are in perfect health Me: Yes +27122,0,We should have started the war on terror in our own country because of the overpopulation of... Haunted houses +27123,0,"Crack a joke! I cracked the ""JOKE"". I mean I broke ""J"", ""O"", ""K"", and ""E""." +27124,5,"A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a prostitute. He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again. The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his prostitute used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen turns to him and says, ""What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?""" +27125,0,A Navy commander once told me that leadership in the Navy is about two things: 1. Leader 2. Ship +27126,4,"A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots of tequila, the bartender asks ""oh, is there an occasion for this?"" The man says ""I had my first blow job"" Bartender says ""well in that case I'll give you another on the house!"" The man replies ""no thanks, if 11 don't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will""" +27127,1,How do you know when you've got a high sperm count? When she has to chew before she swallows. +27128,0,When you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass. You really hit the Rock bottom. +27129,5,"If the stork brings good babies, and the crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies? The swallow" +27130,1,How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses? They bless the reins down in Africa +27131,2,I would make a joke about nets But it has a ton of holes +27132,0,Should I stop answering my own questions? No. +27133,7,"I saw a sign that said ""Falling rocks"" I tried. It doesn't." +27134,2,"Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities) Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner " +27135,0,"A father tells his son to always a mile in someone's shoes before judging them ""Why"" the son asked ""So you will be a mile away from them with their shoes""" +27136,0,Hurry! Invest in Viagra stock!! I heard it's about to go up! +27137,4,"Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like... Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear. " +27138,1,"The Couple A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."" She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks, ""How much?"" She says, “A hundred dollars.” He replies, ""All I got is thirty."" She says, ""Hold on,"" and runs back to the husband and asks. ""What now. What can he get for thirty? "" A hand job,"" the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. ""I'll be right back...................................."" She runs back to the husband. ""What's wrong?"" he asks. ""Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"" " +27139,2,There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes. 1. Know how to count *Edit* 2. Proof read +27140,10,Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term. +27141,2,Why don't mummies get involved with other people? Because they're too wrapped up in themselves. #dadjokes +27142,0,Today I realized why the Masons don't want women to join... Men are afraid of women knowing how to measure things. +27143,1,Where do suicide bombers go when they die everywhere +27144,2,I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention as a doctor... The security guard suspected I was not the real McCoy. +27145,1,Did you hear the one about the driver who boasted about his 0-100 time? He was all torque. +27146,1,What do sports and porn have in common? They both cause men to make a lot of noise. +27147,2,Why did the bucking bull retire? So it could become a bull dozer +27148,4,What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country. +27149,1,Cow prints were found at a murder scene. You could say that the cow is a prime suspect. +27150,0,"Two Japanese guys meet each other at LAX... JP 1: ""So, How's America like ? "" JP 2: ""Dunno, I haven't seen the pictures yet...""" +27151,1,What did the geologist say to his favorite gem? You are my rock! +27152,10,"A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it. There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”" +27153,2,The inventor of distorted mirrors has passed away. His funeral will be held in asymmetry. +27154,1,(DARK) Why do mathematicians love Hitler? He had the Final Solution. +27155,0,"To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will catch you.. Ya hole." +27156,2,Dad how much does it cost to get married? I don’t know son! I’m still paying..... +27157,1,"Redditers have forgotten how great Game of Thrones seasons 1-7 were But to be fair, so have Benioff and Weiss" +27158,0,AntiVaxxers were right all along You cant have autism if measles gets you first. +27159,6,"Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers. Jim turns to Bob, and says, ""You know what, I'm going to go to college!"" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. ""Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes,"" the Dean says. ""English, Math, Science, and Logic."" ""Logic?"" Jim asks. ""What the hell is that?"" ""Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"" Proudly, Jim responded, ""Yes, I do."" ""Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn,"" the Dean said. ""Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"" ""Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."" ""Yes, yes I do have a house!"" ""And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."" ""Yes, yes I do have a family!"" ""And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."" ""Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!"" Jim exclaimed. ""Yeah, that's what logic is,"" the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. ""Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic,"" Jim told Bob. ""Logic?"" Bob asks. ""What the hell is that?"" ""Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"" ""No."" Jim stared at him. ""You some kind of faggot, Bob?""" +27160,1,Want to hear a good anti joke? So do deaf people. +27161,0,"What did the optometrist say to the Trump supporter? ""Hindsight is 2020""" +27162,0,My friend keeps telling me the Legal Bar test for California is strange. Apparently he has never been to a gay bar. +27163,2,"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter." +27164,3,"A woman walked into a library and asked if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian said ""They're right behind you!""" +27165,1,What do you call a herd of cattle masturbating in a field? Beef Stroganoff +27166,0,What did ISIS say after the terrorist attack? Nice +27167,0,"The Monk and the French Fries A guy was driving down the road and his car stalled out in front of a monastery. Two hours later, still under the hood, a monk comes out and invites him to lunch. ""Thank you so much."" he said. They sat down to lunch of fish and chips. It was the best fish and chips he had ever eaten. ""I would love to give the chef my compliments!"" So the monk brings him to the kitchen and introduces him to the brothers who had prepared the meal. The guy asks ""Did you prepare the wonderful fish?"" The brother replies ""No, I'm the chip monk.""" +27168,1,What did the bottle of wine say to the grape? It was great raisin you. +27169,1,My main concern about the dead rising... would be if Grandma is still going to cheat at Monopoly +27170,0,The UK spin-off to Orange is the New Black is called... Orangemen Are The New Blue +27171,3,My ex-wife was a great housekeeper When we got divorced she kept the house +27172,2,Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate for Secretary of Low Energy. +27173,0,"A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and says... “Oh, some arsehole’s got my pen”." +27174,2,"Do you know why you should always bring a bomb in your hand luggage when you’re flying? Because the chances of one person bringing a bomb, is very low. But the chances of two people bringing a bomb, is almost impossible." +27175,0,"The criminal agreed to testify, but his statements were lies. He sang off key." +27176,1,What do you call engaged melons on the TSA watchlist? Cantaloupe +27177,4,"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? ""No, son. Have you seen my dadglasses?" +27178,0,What flowers do Alzheimers patients hate tying into knots ? Forget-me-nots +27179,2,What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud. The real joke is that this is what my fortune cookie said. +27180,2,"What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster? ""I'M BREADY TO DIE""" +27181,0,What is Donald Trump's favorite gum? Bigly Chew +27182,2,"So, a black guy and a latino guy and an asian guy are all walking together A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re all very lucky” and walks off. After the man walks away, the black guy says “you guys are lucky I’m black”. The Latino guy then says “you guys are lucky I’m Latino”. The Asian guy then says “you guys are lucky I had a boner”." +27183,1,"My teenage daughter asked me why.. Women get uglier as they grow older, yet blokes become more handsome? “Simple” I replied “God’s a Man”. " +27184,1,"A man dedicated his life to tying bits of string together. Unfortunately, it was all for knot." +27185,2,"A little girl riding with her mom and dad in the car.... ...and she sees two dogs fucking and says, what are those dogs doing? Mom says the one in back hurt his legs and the one in front is helping to carry him. The little girl says, ain't that a bitch. You try to help someone out and you get fucked!" +27186,0,The only recurring question everybody ask when I told them about a place I visited in Cambodia... Angkor what? +27187,1,"The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm. People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on." +27188,0,Knock-knock -Who's there? -Who. -Who who? -Are you an owl? +27189,0,"What's the difference between women and umbrella? Well, you can shut an umbrella up." +27190,2,What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. +27191,8,They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier. +27192,4,"When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed...."" When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?” Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad.” Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?” He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”" +27193,0,Governor what your biggest fear about hurricane Florence hitting North Carolina? President Trump +27194,1,"A drunk is walking down the street... A drunk is walking down the street when he sees a nun walking on the other side of the street. So he carefully crosses the road and walks straight up to her and kicks her in her crotch. He then proceeds to rain punches on her face. Before she really knows what is going on he pulls her back up and knocks her out with a vicious head butt. Standing over her bleeding broken body he dusts off his hands and gloats ""You're not so fuckin' tough tonight are you batman!""" +27195,2,Why was the button sad? Because it was depressed +27196,0,What does a Jedi say when it won't fit? May I force it in you? +27197,5,"A young girl goes to a priest to confess... ""Forgive me father, because I have sinned"", the girl said. ""What did you do, my child"" the priest replied ""Well, I told a guy he is a bastard"" ""And why did you do that?"" ""Well, because he touched me..."" ""Like this?"" And the father started touching the girl. ""Yes like that"" ""But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, isn't it?"" ""No"" she replied ""But then he started to touch my boobs"" ""Like this?"" And the father started touching the girl's boobs ""Yes like that father"" she moaned silently ""But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, my child"" ""But then he started to take off my clothes"" ""Like this?"" He asked while removing her clothes ""Yes like that!"" ""But that's still no reason to call him that"" ""No, but then he put his you know in my you know..."" the girl said ""Just like this?"" And he started to put his you know in her you know... ""Yes Father, Yes yes yes father"" screamed the girl (after a couple of minutes) ""But that's still no reason to call him a bastard"" the priest said ""But then he said he had AIDS!"" ""Fuckin' bastard"" " +27198,1,"I'll never forget the last thing my mother said to me before she died ""Put down that hammer Jimmy!""" +27199,5,Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month +27200,2,What’s a pirates favorite letter You would expect it to be R but their true love is the C +27201,0,Proof that Bush did 7/11 Jet fuel cant melt ICEE's +27202,2,"Is watching this awful show about a fat, naked man masturbating And then I realised that my TV wasn't turned on." +27203,3,"Couple next door. One evening a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,"" Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? . He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?""."" I would love to"". replied the husband,""but I don't know her well enough""." +27204,5,"Suicide Bombing Instructor What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words? ""Now I'm only going to show you this once!""" +27205,0,How do you upgrade a Mac? Step 1: Throw old Mac out of window. Step 2: Buy new Mac. +27206,1,I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair Now I'm handiclapped +27207,0,"Let’s Eat, Grandpa! And Let’s Eat Grandpa! is a Classic Example of Why Punctuation is Important." +27208,3,"[NSFW] [Long] His first blowjob A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of ""the strong stuff"". Bartender grabs a bottle of rum off the top shelf and says, ""This is some rather expensive stuff. What's the occasion?"" Man replies with three words, ""My first blowjob."" The bartender exclaims with excitement, ""Oh, congratulations! Here, let me throw in a mixed cocktail on the house!"" The man declines, saying, ""No thanks, if this bottle doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.""" +27209,2,"I bought one of those anti-bullying charity wrist bands the other day I say bought, I stole it off a fat ginger kid. " +27210,2,"A horse walks into a bar. The horse says ""I'll have a glass of 30-year-old Napa Cabernet."" The bartender says, ""Uhh, how about a beer?"" The horse says ""I think not!!"" And he disappears." +27211,0,Stevie Wonder walked into a bar He never saw it coming. +27212,1,Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms. Nobody came. +27213,2,"The story of horse and chicken (long) Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm. one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. ""chicken! chicken! quick, go get the farmer to come and save me! hurry!!!"" Chicken runs to the farmhouse as fast as his little chicken legs could carry him and starts pounding on the door clucking for the farmer to come out and save his friend horse. But the farmer and his wife are not home, so chicken runs around the house looking for something to save his friend with. behind the house he finds the farmers wife's old Mercedes and a length of rope. chicken jumps in the Mercedes and hauls chicken ass to the swamp. chicken ties the rope to the bumper of the Mercedes and throws the other end to horse, who grabs it with his teeth and holds on tight. Chicken then backs up the Mercedes and pulls horse out of the swamp. Horse is forever thankful and now bonded more than ever, he and chicken continue to frolic on the farm until one day they find themselves next to the swamp again. This time chicken falls in and immediately begins to sink. ""Help! Help! horse! quick, go get the farmer's mercedes and pull me out!!!"" But horse doesn't run away and instead begins to walk toward the swamp. Chicken yells, ""horse what are you doing?! go get the mercedes and pull me out!!!"" By this time, horse has his two front hoofs in the swamp and chicken is underneath him. Horse says to chicken, ""look up and grab on!"" Chicken looks up and sees his only choice of something to grab, so he does. Horse backs up and pulls chicken out of the swamp successfully. Now, do you want to know the moral of this story? If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!" +27214,5,I was asked how I view lesbian relationships... Apparently in HD is the wrong answer +27215,2,"Two Indians go for a job interview. First one enters the room for the interview. After introductions, goes on to ask further questions. Interviewer: Who was the first president of India? Interviewee 1: Dr. Rajendra Prasad. Interviewer: Who was the first female Prime minister of India? Interviewee 1: Indira Gandhi. Interviewer: Do you believe in aliens? Interviewee 1: Scientists are still researching on that. His interview ends, and he goes out of the room. The other interviewee comes up to him and asks the answers to the questions that were asked before entering the room. After hearing all the answers, he then proceeds to the room. He sits, and the interviewer begins with the interview. Interviewer: What's your father's name? Interviewee 2: Dr. Rajendra Prasad Interviewer: What's your mother's name? Interviewee 2: Indira Gandhi Interviewer: Are you crazy? Interviewee 2: Scientists are still researching on that." +27216,0,Why do Jews have big noses? Because the air is free. +27217,2,Why did Jesus have a six pack? It was from all the cross-training... +27218,2,"I'm 6'1"" That's two measurements. " +27219,0,What’s the difference between something you shoot and a male cow that is good with computers? Ones a bullet and the other is an IT Bull +27220,8,"All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme." +27221,0,"If Sir Willis of Brentford were to ""Bust a Nut"" on Madam Beatrice of Suffolk's face... If Sir Willis of Brentford were to ""Bust a Nut"" on Madam Beatrice of Suffolk's face, and it were to get in her eye, is she watching his kids???" +27222,6,I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. But I can stop whenever I want. +27223,0,"There is so much variety of music these days Even ROCK , my favourite genre has so many unnecessary variations ...I think it all boils down to Sedimentary rock. " +27224,0,I used to really like entropy jokes But now I feel like they're spread too thin. +27225,1,You know what they say about assuming things... No I have no idea!! Did you assume I did?! +27226,1,What does trump have in common with a pumpkin? They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November +27227,5,Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. +27228,0,"Mom says to son A mother said to her son, ""If you get an A, I'll give you an Xbox. "" Kid says, ""OK! Thanks! "" A week later the kid comes home with a report card. ""An A! I am so proud of you. I will get you an x box tomorrow. "" said Mom The kid excitedly goes to bed. The next day, the Mom comes home with a box. The kid opens it, and inside is a... Painted Letter x!" +27229,1,My body is built like a temple There are many hollow passageways where things enter and leave +27230,0,"I made a poster ""NO HALF MEASURES"" to put on my wall... Forgot to put it up." +27231,0,"What do you call a stoned hippopotamus?? A ""Smoke-Alot-O-Potamus""" +27232,0,America... *ba-dum-tish* +27233,2,I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on +27234,2,"I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of ""normalcy"" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally letting out a sigh of relief or a cheer, calling one another ""their bitch."" They were typically closeted jocks that didn't want anyone to know, so I pretended like I didn't. As time went on and my temptations festered, I began frequenting a club where you can watch dudes play with themselves and/or eachother. I ignored the urge for so long because I guess I thought it was just a phase, but it's time for me to face the truth... I have always wondered what it would be like to play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm die-curious." +27235,0,i don't always study but when i do.... i make sure that my parents are noticing me +27236,2,What do the Hungarians cook for Halloween? Ghoulash +27237,3,I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day And at least ten a night. +27238,0,I don´t believe in hurricane Irma. It´s a Chinese hoax. +27239,0,"A biker got mad at me today, just because he ran into a stop sign... Doesn't he realize that an open hand means 'STOP'?" +27240,1,Whats the stupidest animal in the jungle? A polar bear +27241,2,Where in the hell can I find a lawyer? Anywhere. They're all over the place down there. +27242,2,Yo Mama so old.... She has a separate entrance for black people. +27243,2,What's the difference between an apple and a baby? People didn't freak out for no reason when I started eating an apple in public. +27244,2,The game in the first episode of the new season of black mirror wasn't going to be called striking vipers They wanted to call it Smash Bros but it was already taken +27245,0,"A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. ""Damn multiculturalism,"" said the bartender. " +27246,0,What do you call a negative Scotsman? A peshimist. +27247,1,"We all know that Beverly Hills High is in zip code 90210, but do you know the zip code for the Dawson's Creek's High School? 90108 Edit: it works best if you sing it aloud." +27248,4,"2 ducks are walking down the street. 2 ducks are walking down the street when they see each other. It's love at first sight. They immediately start talking and within 5 minutes they are getting a hotel room together. As the evening progresses, they are about to have sex, when one duck asks the other if he has a condom. He says ""I don't, but I can get one from reception."" So he heads down to reception, and slightly embarrassed asks if he can buy a condom. The receptionist says, ""of course, would you like it on your bill."" The duck responds outraged, ""what kind of sick bastard do you think I am.""" +27249,4,"Misunderstanding A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse. Captain: what’s that horse for? Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex. Captain: ah, ok. One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain done with the horse, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent. Captain: it’s so hard! How do you do it? Soldier: we ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are" +27250,0,I went to the doctor yesterday I showed him my apple and he backed to the corner and hissed at me. +27251,1,How does a French woman hold her liquor? By the ears of course! +27252,4,He's getting the job . . All the jobs . . Employer: What makes you think you are qualified to work in the Porn Industry . . Man: I'm always hard at work. +27253,0,Tea is for mugs. But compote is my jam. +27254,7,Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet. +27255,3,"Cake day joke for you guys A pony walks into a bar. ""What'll it be?"" asks the bartender. ""I'll have one whiskey, please."" the pony whispered softly. The bartender says, ""Sure, but why are you speaking so quietly?"" ""I'm a little hoarse.""" +27256,0,"Behold the signature, unanimous battle cry of the Millenials en mass: ""I'm easy""" +27257,1,Crazy People How do crazy people go through the forest? +27258,3,"Everybody does it A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. ""Why all the clocks?"" St. Peter answered ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh"" said the man, ""Whose clock is that?""........ ""That was Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved. She had never told a lie."" ""Where's President Trump's clock?"" asked the man. ""Oh."" said Peter. ""It's in Jesus' office"".......""He's using it as a ceiling fan.""" +27259,3,Why were the console wars started? Because neither side could find a clear resolution +27260,1,What’s the opposite of Miss America? U.S. Presidency +27261,1,What do you call a group of famous people? Constellation. +27262,3,"If a man wins the lotto... Man- What would you do if I won the lottery? Woman- Take half and leave! Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out! " +27263,3,"Not All Seniors Are Senile... A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ""No, I'd like to see something more special."" At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ""Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said."" The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ""We'll take it."" The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ""By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."" On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know, said the old man... But let me tell you about my weekend."" " +27264,1,"The better a match you are to a job, the dirtier of clothes you can wear to the interview and still get it. The next guy came in with a shit stain on his pants and I hired him on the spot. You can't buy confidence like that." +27265,0,What does a 15 year old emo and communism have in common? Marx +27266,2,I'm sick of Christmas music. You could even say it blows. +27267,0,"In 1875 Dublin, there was a great whiskey fire that killed 13 Non perished from the smoke nor burns. They all died of alcohol poisoning as they drank what ran the streets " +27268,2,Today I’d like to endorse podiums Now that is a product I can get behind +27269,0,What do you call a crayon in an asylum ? CRAY Z +27270,0,Have you heard about Mcdonald's plan to make everyone in the world autistic? I heard they even have plans to start selling asburgers to accomplish their goal! +27271,0,What does Saint Patrick and the IRA have in common? Both if them did a great job of driving vermin out if Ireland. +27272,1,"A married mitochondrial couple is having an argument... A married mitochondrial couple is having an argument. The husband mitochondrion says, “You know, you’re just like your mother!”" +27273,0,What has five arms three legs and two feet?.. Wait for it! The finish line at the Boston marathon +27274,2,What do you call a fat physic A four chin teller +27275,5,"Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem." +27276,0,What did the farmer say to the ace smith when he did a shoddy job? Half-hatched it again... +27277,2,"I Gave My Father $100… I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother." +27278,2,Did you hear about the guy selling fake Happy Days memorabilia? They’re charging him with a Fonzie Scheme. +27279,2,Programmers are so sexist... They treat their dates as objects. +27280,1,What timezone do monarchies like to be in? In CEST +27281,5,"My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said ""I wanna watch""" +27282,0,During No Nut November what is the most difficult temptation to endure? Donut. +27283,2,I don't know why my bank wants me to visit their local branch. I've been walking for an hour now and still can't find it. This is a really beautiful forest though. +27284,0,My friend told me to be proud of her because she was done adulting for the day. I told her no. When asked asked why I told her I was just kidding. +27285,0,You should never talk bad about the illiterate. You should write it down. +27286,2,"My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down. He really pissed it off." +27287,2,"Did any of you guys hear about the old lady who went to the doctor complaining of shortness of breath? The doctor asked her, ""well, do you smoke after sex""? To which the lady responded, ""I don't know, I don't usually look down there after sex""." +27288,1,"A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said: ""When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."" Said the counsellor: ""Why complain. You are still getting the same service. In the corporate world they call it, *Job Rotation*!""" +27289,2,Why are all immigrants to Finland winners? Because they all crossed the Finnish line. +27290,0,What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke? You can't top a good pizza joke. +27291,1,Why do cows wear bells? ..because their horns don't work. (Joke courtesy of my 5-year old daughter) +27292,1,My bf wants me to give him a blowjob... I guess I'll just suck it up +27293,3,"If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? congress (my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)" +27294,0,I flunked out of astronaut school... I couldn't understand the gravity of the situation +27295,0,"Violence is never the answer It is the question... The answer is ""Yes""" +27296,2,How do you confuse Hellen Keller? step on her books with golf shoes +27297,0,Why did the pirate ship need a new chef? The last one was a desserter Edit: made the joke more funny +27298,0,"Good managers, bad managers. Good managers help their staff learn to succeed. Bad ones force their staff to learn to Excel. " +27299,1,Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn't know the difference between KY Jelly and silicone caulk? The glass fell out of their windows. +27300,0,Seattle Seahawks labeled Bud Light cans have the lowest sales compared to any other team. Most of their fans aren't old enough to buy beer yet. +27301,5,What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman? He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight. +27302,2,"There was a lion that terrorized a village There was a lion that terrorized a village near the jungle. The villagers had tried to kill the lion many times, but they always failed. Many hunters came to the jungle and tried to kill the lion, but the lion ate them all. One time, the greatest hunter in the world came to the village. He was renowned worldwide for his ability to kill anything. When the hunter came to the village, he said ""I will kill the lion."" The villagers asked, ""But how?"" ""It's very simple,"" the hunter replied, ""You must make a replica statue of a cow and leave it in the middle of the jungle. I will hide inside the statue, and when the lion comes, I will shoot him."" That night the villagers made the replica and put it in the jungle along with the hunter. They waited the entire night and did not hear anything. The villagers went out to look for the hunter and went to the spot where the left him. They saw the statue cracked and on the ground. They looked inside and found the hunter, shaken and tired and brought him out. They asked him, ""What happened to the lion?"" He replied, ""To hell with the lion! Who was the son of a bitch who left the bull untied?"" " +27303,1,Did you know that all pieces of reflective glass are middle eastern? It's Amir. +27304,4,"Chinese torture A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. ""I'm lost,"" said the man. ""Can you put me up for the night?"" ""Certainly,"" the Chinese man said, ""but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."" ""OK,"" said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, ""Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."" ""Well, that's pretty crappy,"" he thought. ""If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."" He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read ""Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."" In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, ""Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost""" +27305,1,I went to a Gorillaz concert recently... It was definitely a Feel Good experience. +27306,2,"Three mean have all died and arrive at the Pearly Gates all together. They are greeted by a small ball of light that introduces itself as an angel, and lets them know that due to budget cuts, only one of them may be admitted. When amazingly, nobody questioned the idea of heavenly budget cuts, the angel continued. In order to decide who would ultimately get the spot, he said, they would need to find whose death was the most tragic of the three. Without further delay, the first man steps forward. ""I live on the tenth floor of my apartment building with my wife,"" he began. ""Over the last few weeks I had suspected she was cheating on me, so tonight I came home from work early. I searched the apartment but didn't find anyone. Feeling foolish, I stepped out onto our balcony, only to be greeted by a pair of hands clinging to the rail. Seeing red now, I grabbed a hammer and began to smash his fingers until he let go. Unfortunately, he landed in the hedges down below and was still alive. Deciding to end it, I managed to shove our refrigerator out to the balcony and over the rail. But I kind of went over with it. I squashed my wife's lover but broke my back and neck on the fridge. And now here I am."" Now stepped forward the second man, looking furious at the first as he began to tell his story. ""I live on the twelfth floor of the same apartment as him. I had been drinking a bit and leaned a bit too far over my balcony. I was lucky enough to grab the rail of the balcony two floors down, but then this asshole grabs a hammer and starts slamming my fingers with it. After I fell into the bushes, I was too hurt to move. When I looked up, all I see is a huge refrigerator coming toward me. Then, splat."" ""That's horrible!"" the Angel announced, before turning to the third man. ""And you, sir? The man sighed and palmed his face. ""Ok, picture this,"" he said. ""I'm hiding in my girlfriend's refrigerator...""" +27307,0,What kind of vegetable grows best when someone urinates on it? A pea. +27308,1,Why did the English teacher propose to Webster? She wanted to Merriam. +27309,6,"The genie and the russian A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, ""Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."" The Russian begins thinking, ""Well I really like drinking vodka."" Finally the Russian says, ""I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."" The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, ""Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him ""Boris, why do we only need one glass?"" Boris raises the glass and says, ""Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."" " +27310,0,What did one washed up Power Ranger say to the other? It's Morphine Time! +27311,3,I had phone sex last night. Now I have hearing aids. +27312,1,Why is there always a fence around a cemetery? Because people are dying to get in! +27313,1,"A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first. He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries: ""Ha! Got you! What are 6 pairs of panties for if not for contraband!"" The lady is very embarrassed: ""No, no, Sir, let me explain"", she says, grabbing the first pair of pants. ""You see, this one for Monday, this one Tuesday, this one for Wednesday"" and so on. The custom agent is not convinced, but seeing the ashamed lady's face he lets her through. He then turns to the old guide, rummages through his bag and finds 11 pairs of shorts! ""Ha! This time I got you! What would you need 11 pairs of shorts for if not for contraband!"" ""Let me explain"", the old guide says, grabbing the first pair of pants: ""this one for January..."" ​" +27314,0,"Meanwhile in Alabama.. While I was having sex with my sister she said to me, ""wow you fuck just like dad"" I was like, ""I know right? Thats what mum said too.""" +27315,0,Redskins called yesterday asking if I was still interested in season tickets +27316,0,How do you pick up a Jewish girl? Go to Auschwitz with a dust pan +27317,0,"Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are in a plane crash, who survives America" +27318,3,The best American joke of all time Healthcare +27319,0,"The year is 2066 After the great war of 2058 finally came to an end when guy fierri was single handedly able to defeat all of the worlds opposing armies using his signature spices, Guy was elected as the president. The US is now entirely know as flavor town. Guy is a beloved president by all, except for one rogue scientist. One day this rogue scientist finally discovered a way to create clones of people. He immediately makes a clone of guy fierri. ""Since no mortal can defeat the king of flavor town, the only one capable is a clone of the man himself!"" He sent the clone to assassinate Fierri. When the clone arrived at the white house, Guy knew it was time. ""So, the time has come, I finally have some competition."" Guy said. The fight was viscous, and lasted for hours. Guy eventually defeated his clone, and preserved his title as president. When he exited the white house, the press was there, wondering what happened. ""Mr. President! What happened in there? It looks like you got beaten badly in a fight!"" Guy looked at the reporter and chuckled. ""You should see the other Guy.""" +27320,2,"Rat Dreams David goes to a doctor. David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams. Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight. David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow? Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed tonight? David : Because it's the finals tonight " +27321,0,"what is the most dangerous STD? kinship, consanguinity." +27322,6,"An English WW2 pilot was... ...talking in the school about his war experience. ""So I'm flying over German land in my plane. I was alone. Out of the blue, a fokker flanks me on the right. Then, I found a fokker on my left wing too. I was panicking, when suddenly 2 more fokkers appeared and surrounded me..."" By now, the children are giggling, so an embaressed teacher intervenes, ""Actually, fokker is the name of a German airplane."" ""Yeah"", interjected the pilot, ""But these fokkers were flying in Dorniers.""" +27323,0,Which Jews make the best fruit punch? Juicy Jews +27324,1,My deaf girlfriend told me we need to re-evaluate our relationship That was not a good sign +27325,2,It's always good to know at least one handjob joke... ...they can really cum in handy. +27326,1,When Redheads go crazy... Is it called a ginger snap? +27327,1,My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling I was overcome with emulsion +27328,1,Why didn't the Jamaican cut his hair? He dreaded it. +27329,4,What are the chances people stop mistaking Link for Zelda? Hylian likely +27330,2,Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist? He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again +27331,3,I slept with my best friend's’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something. +27332,0,When does a cub scout become a boy scout? When they eat their first ~~brownie~~ cub scout. +27333,3,"A man walks into a restaurant... A man walks into a restaurant and orders a regular burger and fries. A little later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and immediately notices a small hair sticking out of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, ""Waitress, there's a hair in my burger! I demand to see what is going on!"" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take a meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, ""That's disgusting!"" The waitress says, ""You think that's disgusting, you should see him make donuts!""" +27334,1,"I would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give me on this matter of deep concern to me. For sometime now I've suspected that my girlfriend may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. Her mobile rings, I answer, someone hangs up. Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always ""Just some friends from work, you don't know them"". I always used to keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner. The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth. But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?" +27335,1,"If I had a dollar for every time I got anal I would have five dollars, thanks dad" +27336,2,"You know, Apple really have given us some of the greatest tools of our generation They're called Apple fanboys." +27337,0,I'm interested in the recent increase of dead animals on United flights Have they updated their carrion policy? +27338,0,Sunny and safe summer holidays! Wishes you Internet Explorer. +27339,1,I’m not convinced that condoms are safe. My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus! +27340,0,What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their greatest hit was The Wall. +27341,3,Where would women be without man? W/oman +27342,1,After years I finally trained my brain to stop smoking cigarettes I guess you could say it was all menthol +27343,7,My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it. +27344,1,"A man walks into a bar.... A man walks into a bar and see another man sitting at the bar holding a huge lighter and walks up to him. Man 1: ""Hey man, where did you get that lighter?"" Man 2: ""You see, if you rub this magic lamp a genie pops out and grants you a wish."" Man 1: ""No way! Let me try."" He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. Genie: ""What do you want?"" Man 1: ""I want a million bucks!!"" Genie: ""Done."" POOF! The genie disappears back into the lamp. After a few seconds, there's a big ruckus outside the bar. A million ducks come flying through the door. Man 1: ""What the hell?! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"" Man 2: ""You really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?""" +27345,0,"Man goes down on his new gf for the first time... After a while he pulls something out of his mouth that resembles a piece of corn. He discards it and continues. Soon after he pulls something out this time resembling a pea. Confused he looks up at her and asks ""are you sick or something?"" She replies ""no, the last guy was"" " +27346,3,Why are some people like slinky’s They’re only fun when you push them down the stairs +27347,2,"After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night... his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, ""Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!""" +27348,3,Reddit is like a shiny new penny... It's fun to look at but completely worthless +27349,0,Why are french rifles always in great condition? They've never been fired and only dropped once. +27350,2,I asked my Spanish friend how her sex life’s been since she came out of the closet. She says it’s less bien. +27351,1,"Joke for any location... I was at a ""place of religion or race"" the other day going through some magazines... ... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed." +27352,0,Half priced glasses Reduced to clear. +27353,3,"I used to be into beastiality, necrophilia, and sadism... But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse." +27354,0,Why Donald Trump will win the primary but loose the general election? He can push through the Bushes but cannot climb a **Hill**ary. +27355,0,Why doesn’t Voldemort ever know any gossip? He can’t nose around in anyone’s business. +27356,5,TIL Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in the jeans. +27357,2,"A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. The man responded "" I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home.""" +27358,1,I tried to walk into Target… but I missed. +27359,1,Who can turn fruits into vegetables? Mike Pence +27360,1,How do you know if someone is lazy? They never finish their sen— +27361,0,"I went to see my doctor for a check up as I had been feeling run down... The doctor told me ""Your problems are all because you eat too much and don't exercise at all."" ""That's preposterous,"" I said. ""You have no idea what you're talking about."" ""Well, you are entitled to a second opinion,"" he suggested. ""Good, because I think you're ugly too!""" +27362,2,"So the kid one day walked into that barber shop A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, the customer leaves, and sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. He asks. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!” " +27363,7,Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final +27364,0,"Police officers are like spiders. They're useful to have around but whenever I see one, I get nervous." +27365,5,"Why are there no black people in the game Clue? Because then, it would be called Solved." +27366,6,"A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea? Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there." +27367,0,In Soviet Russia we had this joke And then they confiscated it and sent us to gulag +27368,1,Why couldn't Hitler fly a plane? Because he could Nazi very well. +27369,0,How many mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? JUAN +27370,0,"The drunk man, the money, and the bar. A drunk man enters a bar, and sees a bucket full of money. He asked the bartender why. ""Here we have a challenge, in the yard there is a rottweiler with a bad tooth, the best to her health would be taking it off, and upstairs we have a sad elder, every one who comes hee puts some money in the bucket for the warrior who would take the dogs tooth off and would bang the lady"" the bartender says. The drunk man was convinced and confident and walked to the yard. Meanwhile, many growls and pants where heard int the bar, then the drunk man walked in shouting ""SO WHERE IS THE LADY I NEED TO RIP THE TEETH??!""" +27371,1,I had the biggest dick in 3rd grade which was pretty impressive Also probably the reason I got fired +27372,2,"math class Somewhere in middle east. Teacher : You have 100 barrels of oil, USA force you to give them 50 barrels, how much barrels do you left? Student : 0 Teacher : I don't think you know math. Student : I don't think you know America." +27373,0,You know who I bumped into yesterday in specsavers??? Everybody +27374,0,"A guy goes to the doctor because he wants to get a prescription for a laxative... After a few checks the doctor nods and says: ""yep, you're full of shit."" and hands him a prescription." +27375,0,What do you get when Time Warner Cable changes it's name but remains the shittiest piece of shit cable and internet provider known to man?? Spectrum Cable and Internet Service. Edit: What no love for anti-jokes anymore? +27376,0,Why did the communion bread call the police? It was broke in two. +27377,0,Why don’t vegetarians like meat? Because they say it tastes offal. +27378,2,"A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock. Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!” Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!” Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”" +27379,0,Want to hear a joke? American politics. +27380,2,What do anti-vaxxers kids and anti-vaxxer jokes have in common? They never get old! +27381,0,I took a girl to an Indian restaurant and ordered the flatbread basket for an appetizer. My date criticized my choice and stormed out. Something about me being a naan starter. +27382,1,An egg was on stage He was telling lots of eggcelent yolks that made the crowd crack up +27383,1,"Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. ""Get out of here!"" Yells the bartender. ""We don't serve your type!""" +27384,2,A girl I know got fired from a sperm bank.. She was drinking on the job. +27385,1,When people ask me what my favorite Stephen King novel is... I've said it before and I'll say it again +27386,2,She Left Him A man's wife left him because he couldn't stop counting. She's not sure what he's up to now. (Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck) +27387,1,"A Random Sailor Stumbled Into A Pub Upon entering he was quickly stared down by everyone in a relentless awe. As he pulled up a stool to the bar to order the strongest drink he could buy, the bartender said, damn it maan, what the hell happened to you!? The sailor looked up exposing fully his very small almost shrunken head right atop his muscular shoulders. The sailor replied in an abnormally high pitch & says— “let me tell you the story”... of course by this time other patrons had began joining in for a good listen too. The sailor begins telling how he had been out at sea & net fishing the last few weeks. This morning he said, I pulled in a nice big catch of fish, my net was full, although among this great catch was a bit of trash & debris caught in the net. While cleaning it out he came across a small old brass oil lamp looking piece. It looked like an really old antique & it reminded him of the jinn stories he use to hear as a kid, but never actually believed in. Anyway, for the fun & sheer hell of it the sailor says, I gave it a good rub on the top where it looked like words or maybe symbols were nearly hidden engraved beneath the dirt & algae. Much to my complete surprise out appears the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! Except she was almost see thru like holographic. Just then as he stood nearly frozen, looking shocked & in disbelief. The beautiful woman began to speak saying, it was crucial no one else must see her or there could be dire consequences & so she politely asked to be returned to the sea without any trouble please. As a reward however, she promised the sailor just one wish if he promised not to tell anyone of its existence or location. He happily agreed to the deal & begin thinking of a single wish. Since he was fairly wealthy he didn’t really want the usual things, but he did wish that the beautiful looking genie would become human & then marry him. She replied, Thats a nice thought, but my home is not of this world, and she simply could not become something she wasn’t. The wealthy sailor now frustrated by what he perceived as complete rejection says ok then & wished for her to make love to him somehow... allowing him the greatest pleasure ever! The beautiful jinn replied like the first time, I’m sorry, but I’ve already told you I am not & can not become part of this world. Sorry pal, but there are limits to this arrangement. The Sailor now utterly disappointed & unable to wish for what he wanted said, so let me get this straight! No marvelous bride? No hot stellar sex. Nothing of the sort? That’s correct the jinn said. So as a last ditched effort without considering any consequences, he blurted out damn it not even just a little head? The jinn smiled & replied gleefully before she disappeared, now that I can do!" +27388,0,Taking a shit: It'll take a lot out of you +27389,2,I made a promise to my new pair of underpants. I shit you not. +27390,0,I don't know why my Hispanic and Latino friends laugh ...when I introduce them to my other friends Marty Cohn and Ben Dayhoe. +27391,6,"Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says ""Can I help you sir?"" The man replies ""I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"" The operator replies ""Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."" There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on ""Okay, what now?""" +27392,0,Why was tigger in the toilet? He hadn't seen Poo all year! +27393,0,What does the blind say when he walks past the fish market? Hello ladies. +27394,0,These white supremacists and neo-Nazis need new prescription eyeglasses. So at least something about them is progressive. +27395,0,A clock asked another clock out... He was timezoned +27396,5,His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects +27397,1,"A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements. It's called *""The Diarrhea of Anne Frank.""*" +27398,2,"I watched a man get cut in half in a car accident today By the time I got to him, he was delirious, clearly in his dying moments. He glanced to his left where his lower half was lying motionless, then up at me with a look somewhere in between anger and humor, and uttered his last words: ​ ""I am beside myself right now!""" +27399,1,"Dave is the man Four mothers talking about their sons success, when the first one say ""My son is so successful that he bought a boat for his friends"", other mother reply ""That's nothing, my son is so successful that he bought a friend of his a house"", ""well i don't mean to brag"" said the third mother ""but my son is so successful that he gave 1 million dollars to his friend"" and all three of them look to the last mother on the group and ask her ""So, what your son does"" she said in very slow tone of voice ""Nothing, see my boy Dave was very girly since little, and now as an adult he is homosexual, he does have three boyfriend and one of them bought him a boat, another a house and the last one deposited 1 millions dollars on his account""." +27400,1,Did you hear about the man with 5 penis' ? His underware fits like a glove. +27401,3,Why are unvaccinated kids always crying? They're having a midlife crisis +27402,0,I have a really hard time understanding the speed limit when I'm driving I think I need to improve my sign language +27403,2,How do fish describe being caught and released? An out of body of water experience. +27404,0,"A rope walks into a bar... A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender shouts, ""We don't serve your kind here!"" and quickly points at the door. The rope walks outside, twists himself up, parts his hair, and walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him with squinted eyes and asks, ""Hey... Aren't you that rope from before?"" ""No sir"" the rope replies, ""I'm a frayed knot.""" +27405,2,"I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman. " +27406,4,"A daughter calls her mother and says ""I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex."" My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece. when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece. Her mother says: ""You are married to a multi-millionaire. You live in a mansion. You drive a Ferrari. You get all the money. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45-cents?" +27407,0,My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows He calls it a rarecrow +27408,0,What is an insects favorite music festival? Roachella +27409,6,Can a joke about dinosaurs make you laugh? You bet jurassic can Edit: spelling for pronunciation. Again +27410,3,I was suffering from pinkeye for a long time until I found www.curing-conjunctivitis.com It was a site for sore eyes +27411,3,How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? ....give her a shovel +27412,0,What’s the difference between a magicians wand and a police baton? A magicians wand is used for cunning stunts. +27413,0,"Man 1: Went to Poole last weekend... Man 2: In Dorset? Man 1: Yeah, I’d recommend it to anyone." +27414,1,Where can you get the fresh egg? In New Yolk +27415,4,How does Jesus stay in shape? He does crossfit. +27416,1,"Duct tape is like the Force It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together." +27417,7,"A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.” The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?” The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.” The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: “U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”" +27418,2,"I told my wife I’m leaving her... She said May you die a slow and painful death! Oh, you want me to stay!" +27419,2,"Baseball Coach At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, ""Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"" ""Yes, coach"", replied the little boy. "" Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ""So,"" the coach continued, ""I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"" Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, ""And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"" ""No, coach."" ""Good"", said the coach. ""Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.” " +27420,2,"What does my dad like to do on his spare time? eh, beats me ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯" +27421,0,Kate Spade's stocks are going through the roof! News got out that her scarves are to die for. +27422,0,What do you call the gun Spiderman carries around with him all day? Pew-ter +27423,2,"Adam and Eve Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden, talking to God. He says to God “You’ve given me life, the purpose of naming every animal, and plenty of food to eat. You’ve made me comfortable, kept me well fed, and a sense of purpose. However, I’m feeling quite lonely; is there anything you can do to fix that?” God replies “I will give you a partner, and she will be called “Eve”. She will stand by you, and support you. She will lift you up, enforce your rules, and be at your right hand whenever you ask. She will bear your children, and raise them to your liking. She will feed you, clothe you, and take care of you. She will be beautiful, graceful, and warm. She will be kind, caring, thoughtful, and will always be there for you. But, it is going to cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam thinks for a second and says “....what can I get for a rib?” " +27424,0,I took a cheap flight earlier this week and it must have caused this type of pneumonia in me Because the doctor said I had Allegiant Air's disease +27425,0,I was going to be an organ donor but I had a change of heart +27426,0,Did you hear the one about the Irish rapist? He began by tying the girl's legs together so she couldn't run away.... +27427,1,What do you get if you remove the horn from a unicorn? A eunuch +27428,2,"A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”" +27429,2,"Another clean cake day joke Boss asks Mutuku, Mutuku how do you get it right for 30 years of bringing me coffee every morning without spilling it? Mutuku's answer, before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back. Mutuku's funeral is on Monday." +27430,0,"How does a trucker like to see a model? In the semi, nude" +27431,4,"One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water... One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. Dropping the bucket, he ran back to the kitchen. “Where’s the water?” she asked him. “And my bucket?” “I can’t get any water from that water hole, Grandma,” Johnny exclaimed. “There’s a big old alligator down there!” “Now don’t you mind that alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for years and he’s never hurt anyone. He’s probably as scared of you as you are of him! “Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him then that water ain’t fit to drink!”" +27432,0,"What did one stoner say to the other? ""Hi.""" +27433,1,My sister bet me $55.55 that I couldn't make a motorbike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! +27434,1,Whats Better than winning gold at the special olympics?......... ICECREAM +27435,3,"A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says ""make me one with everything."" The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. ""Where's my change?"" the monk asks. The vendor replies, ""change comes from within.""" +27436,3,Like it or not... That's how Facebook works. +27437,1,My wife was calling out my name during sex the other night. I hear her boyfriend is pretty upset about it. +27438,0,"Johnny loved the circus Especially this one clown named Bobo. He basically worshiped Bobo. He had Bobo shirts, pants, underwear, lunchboxes, posters, everything. This kid loved Bobo. Anyway, Jonny was at the grocery store with his mom one day, when he saw a poster that said Bobo and his circus was coming to town. Jonny lost it. He started crying tears of joy, screams of happiness, and started farting uncontrollably. His body temperature went up to like 101 degrees out of pure excitement. His mom thought she knew how much this meant to Jonny, but she didn't know, she didn't know. Anyway, the second Jonny got home, him and his mom got tickets to the circus. The day of the circus comes and little Jonny is having trouble controlling his bowels. He's that ecstatic. He wants to get the perfect seat. So the show is going on, Bobo is on the stage with a horse. Bobo then says ""I need a volunteer"". Jonny, obviously loses it at this point. He raises his hand, starts screaming, everything he can do to get Bobo's attention. Out of some act of God, Bobo calls on little Jonny. So Jonny walks to the center. Bobo points to the horse's head and says ""whats this"". Little Jonny says ""well thats a horse's head, of course"". Bobo points to the horses leg and says ""whats this"". Jonny says ""thats a horse's leg"". Then, Bobo points to the horse's rear end. ""And whats this"" asks Bobo. ""A horse's butt"" says little Jonny. ""It's a horse's ass"" says Bobo ""you're a horse's ass"". The whole crown of the circus laughs, Jonny sits down, and the act goes on. As you can imagine, Jonny is shattered. This clown that he's worshiped the past 3 years of his life completely dissed him. In front of everyone. As you can imagine, Jonny went into a deep depression. He started wearing all black. Never talked. Shaved his head. Often hid in his closet. It was bad. Jonny's mom was worried, thinking about therapy. She didn't know what to do. Jonny would just get home, and cry, every day. All because of Bobo. So a years go by, Jonny still depressed. Then, Jonny sees that the circus is coming back, with you guessed it, Bobo the Clown. This was Jonny's opportunity for revenge. He wasn't going to let this opportunity down. So he and his mom got the tickets. In the meantime, Jonny began training. He became a blackbelt in 3 different types of marshal arts. Started getting swole. Changed his diet. Started training with swords, nun-chucks, anything destructive. Jonny was prepared to let Bobo have it. No holding back. So the day of the circus comes, and of course Jonny wants the best seat possible. Partway through, Bobo brings a horse on the stage, and says ""I need a volunteer."" All the other kids were waving frantically, while Jonny just calmly raised his hand, not making any noise. Now of course Bobo didn't recognize little Jonny, because you know, now he's all buff and looks older and whatnot. Bobo decides to reward this kid for his calmness and calls in Jonny. Little did Bobo know. ""This is my opportunity"" thought Jonny. He had a knife in his back pocket. Bobo points to the horse's head and says ""whats this"" Jonny says ""a horse's head"", so smiles. Bobo points to the horses leg and says ""whats this"". Jonny says ""a horse's leg"". Then, Bobo points to the horse's rear end. ""And whats this"" asks Bobo. ""A horse's butt"" says Jonny, calmly. He was freaking out on this inside now that his time had come. Bobo opens his mouth to say ""you're a.."" ""Fuck you"" says Jonny" +27439,3,"My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaids dresses by Saturday. . . She seamstressed but she’ll get it done. However, her skills are only sew sew." +27440,5,"I just read an article titled, ""100 Things To Do Before You Die"" I was quite surprised that, ""Yell for help!"" wasn't one of them." +27441,4,"All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra. I had to call the police to report domestic violins." +27442,8,"A woman is in the hospital in a coma... and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma. The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, ""I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."" EDIT: /u/strenling has been edited." +27443,2,If it's illegal for clowns to walk around town... Then why can they run for president? +27444,4,Why do Jewish women never make coffee? Because Hebrew +27445,0,Who picked up the tab for the Last Supper? Jesus paid it all. +27446,1,What’s a guys favorite sleeping position? Around +27447,3,Child murder jokes are always funny Because they never get old +27448,2,So I used to work in a keyboard factory I got fired because I always lost CTRL and because of that I went HOME and lost a lot of SHIFTS. I guess F8 didn't want me to work there. +27449,0,I said to my friend that this post will score me a lot of karma. And he asked which kind? (Check comments for punchline) +27450,1,"Nothing is better than lifelong happiness... But a cheese sandwich is better than nothing. Therefore, a cheese sandwich is better than lifelong happiness." +27451,6,"An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it... A genie pops out and says, ""For freeing me I will grant you one wish."" The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. ""You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"" The genie thinks a moment and replies, ""Even with my great powers, I cannot do this. Is there something else I can do for you?"" ""Well,"" says the man ""my wife and I have been marries for over 35 years and she's never given me a blowjob. Do you think you could...you know... get her to do that for me?"" The genie pauses and says, "" Lemme take another look at that map.""" +27452,1,What's it called when a member of the alt-right yells at two people on the internet and then posts Nazi propaganda? Cuck Cuck Goose-Step +27453,4,"Car Battery and a Bra walk into a Bar... Car Battery and a Bra, walk into a bar. The Car battery asks the Barman “Two beers please mate for my partner and I” The Barman looks at the Car Battery and Bra and refuses to serve them. The car battery, looking confused asks why? The Barman replies “ Because your friend is off her tits and you look like you want to start something”." +27454,0,I finally Joined AA I'm so happy I found Illiteracy United. +27455,2,"Three old ladies talking... ... one of them says: “I'm starting to have a bad memory. Yesterday i forgot if i already had lunch, so i did it again anyway”. The second one complements: “Me too. I was awake for about 10 minutes, forgot if i had sleep, and slept again anyway”. The third one, trying to hide her memory problems, says: “You're going insane, your crazy old ladies, i'm tottaly fine"". She, superstitious, proceeds to knock on the wood three times (toc, toc, toc). ""Now excuse me, i'm going to answer the door""." +27456,1,Ireland puns what do irish people call split personallity disorder? doublin what do irish people call mytosis? a doublin cell? what do irish people call twins? sean and connor +27457,0,"Little Green Man Once upon a time, there was a little green man. He lived in a little green house atop a little green hill, and he was very lonely because no one ever came to visit him. One day he was in his little green shower with his little green soap and his little green shampoo when a traveling sales lady pulled up across the street from his little green house. She crossed the street and climbed the little green hill and pushed the little green button by the little green door. Upon hearing the doorbell, the little green man thought 'Finally, a visitor!' He jumped out of his little green shower, wrapped his little green towel around his little green waist and ran to his little green door. As he opened the little green door however, some of the little green shampoo ran into his little green eyes, and he shouted in pain as his little green towel fell around his little green ankles, exposing the sales lady to everything he had to show. The sales lady screamed in fright and ran back down the little green hill, started across the street to her car, but got hit by a truck before she got to her car and was killed. The moral of the story... Never start across the street when the little green man is flashing." +27458,1,"A pilot is flying a commercial plane over the Pacific ocean The pilot announces to his passengers that their flight will take about 7 hours and that for almost the entirety of the trip will be over the Pacific Ocean. The Ocean hears this and yells at the pilot ""Hey! That's not nice, I may look Pacific, but that's not how I identify!"" The pilot apologizes and then makes the correction to his passengers ""Excuse me folks looks like I made a faux pas, this is actually a Trans-Atlantic flight." +27459,0,Psychologist: Please describe yourself in four or less words. Man: I just don't follow rules. +27460,4,"Beautiful doctor I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said “Don’t worry, I’m a professional, I’ve seen it all before, just tell me what’s wrong and il check it out.” I said, “my wife thinks by dick tastes funny”." +27461,0,"The proprietor of a big aquarium was terribly upset The proprietor of a big aquarium was terribly upset and called over her assistant. ""We have a bunch of school children coming over tomorrow, and I just looked in and those horny dolphins are continuously mating. We can't let the kids see that."" ""What can we do about it?"" the assistant asked. ""The only thing that will make them stop is to feed them baby seagulls,"" She replied. ""You'll have to go get them, but it won't be easy. There's a bunch of them at the city zoo. You'll have to break in tonight, grab the little birds and bring them back here. But be careful. There's a stony faced old lion who guards the birdhouse at the zoo and he'd eat you if you make too much noise."" That night, the aquarium assistant sneaks into the zoo, quietly enters the bird house, and makes off with a sack full of baby seagulls. He's outside the zoo and about to head back to the office with his booty when suddenly there are cops everywhere. Surprised at being caught, he asks an officer what he's charged with. ""Don't you know?"" said the cop, ""Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises!"" " +27462,0,"If a man speaks in a forest... ...and there’s no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?" +27463,3,"President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying ""Never mind, boys, I'll get it."" The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported: ""TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"" " +27464,2,"A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm... A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm. He loudly proclaims, ""This is the pig I used to fuck."" The wife says, ""That's not a pig, it's a lamb."" The man replies, ""I wasn't speaking to you.""" +27465,1,The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned. He's speechless. +27466,2,"I just got my best score on the new Indian video game ""Sitar Hero 3""!!! I got five stars on ""Curry on My Wayward Son""" +27467,3,Why can't you use strike-marks to count in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban! +27468,0,"I lost my watch a few days ago. I'd tell you all the details, but I'm afraid I don't have the time." +27469,1,Here's a short joke for you A seal walks into a club. +27470,0,"My girlfriend came home from a long day at work, shocked at what she saw She saw me in the bathroom blow drying my dick. ""What are you doing!"" she screamed. ""I'm just heating your dinner, sweetheart.""" +27471,5,click here if you want to join the peepee club urine +27472,1,When I was little I swallowed a penny When I was little I swallowed a penny. The doctor X-rayed me and didn't see any change +27473,0,Didn't know groundhogs are part Didn't know groundhogs are part of the Stark family . They always think Winter is coming. +27474,1,I can see 100 years into the past I've got 1919 vision. +27475,4,What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs! +27476,3,"Two guys from the 50's Two guys from the 50's were talking out front of one's house. The first neighbor says to the other, "" what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"" The second neighbor looks at him and replies, "" I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags.""" +27477,3,Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds. +27478,1,Why did the cranberries turn red? Because they saw the turkey dressing! +27479,0,"A man is telling his friend about his tragic life. 'My first wife died ten years ago from poisoning'. His friend says 'ooh so sorry. That's tragic'. The man continues: 'my second wife died four years later, again from poisoning' to which the friend replies: 'shit man, that's tough. Tragic'. The man continues with tears in his eyes: 'last year my third wife died'. The friend says: 'also poisoned'? To which the man says 'no, this last one I shot'. Horrified his friend asks 'but why'??? The man says 'Well, she refused to drink the poison'" +27480,1,My girlfriend left me because I made fun of her ass. But she was the butt of all my jokes +27481,6,"A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room... Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment. ""What are you doing?"" Asked the boy. ""Playing poker."" Replied the dad. ""Oh, but what's mom doing here?"" The dad thinks about it, and replies, ""she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker."" Satisfied, he leaves the room. Halfway down the hall he hears similar screams and sounds coming from his grandparent's room, so he bursts in and sees his grandpa and grandma both naked and holding each other. ""Now what are you doing?"" Asked the boy. ""I'm playing poker."" Said the grandpa. ""And what about grandma?"" The grandpa thinks about it, and replies, ""well, she's my wild card, and you have to have a wild card to play poker."" The boy turns and goes back to his room... The house fills with screaming and groaning. The dad and grandpa run into the hallway and open the little boys room where the sounds are coming from. ""What are you doing in here?!?!"" Asked the dad. ""I'm playing poker!"" Said The boy. ""But you need to have a wild card to play poker."" Said the grandpa. The boy ponders on this and answers, ""Not if you have a good hand."" " +27482,3,"When a human dies, which part of the body dies last? The pupils, they dilate." +27483,1,What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? “Please get in the batmobile” +27484,0,Why is it expensive to be a criminal? Because the police charge you. +27485,1,I spent last night at the 'As Seen on TV' store. I wanted to party like it's $19.99. +27486,3,"A man working for a pickle company came home one day very distraught and upset... ""What's wrong baby?"" His wife asked. ""I don't know, all day today I was thinking about putting my penis in the pickle slicer for some reason."" He said. ""Oh my God. Why?"" ""Not sure babe, but it was all I could think about."" He replied. ""Jesus, that's messed up. You think you may want some therapy or something?"" She asked. ""No, I think Ill be fine."" He assured. A few days later, he came home early from work and his wife was surprised. ""Babe why are you home so early?"" ""Well, I put my penis in the pickle slicer and I got fired."" A little confused at not seeing blood or him injured she asked,"" Well, what do you mean? What happened with the pickle slicer?"" She asked. ""She got fired too."" " +27487,2,Why do jazz musicians prefer to drive crappy old cars? Because they're always making a new sound. +27488,0,Merry christmas you filthy animals! +27489,3,I have compiled a list of the 10 worst things about my ADHD. 1. +27490,0,"There was a cowboy in a bar Then this beautiful blond woman comes it sits on the barstool next to his and asks ""are you a cowboy?"" The cowboy says""well I ride horses,rope buffalos and cattle, ride bucking broncos, wear a ten gallon hat and always have my .45 revolver strapped to my belt"". Blond goes ""well I'm a lesbian, I think of naked women all day every day. I think of them waking up,I think of them at work,I think think of them in the shower, I think of them while eating and I dream of naked women."" They sit in silence for a while and the blond leaves and right after a guy walks in and sits beside the Cowboy and asks ""are you a cowboy?"" Cowboy says ""I thought I was but I just learned I'm a lesbian""." +27491,0,I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. +27492,0,Why do guys with erectile dysfunction name their dicks February 29th? Because it only comes up once every 4 years +27493,0,"Roses are red Violets aren't blue, they're purple. Get it right. " +27494,4,Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. +27495,0,"In Russia, you do cardio. In Capitalist America, Cardi B does you!" +27496,2,"After stating that AC/DC was the best 80's band, my dad got mad and said, ""What do you know about the 80's? I bet you don't even know who Whitesnake is!"" I just rolled my eyes and said ""ugh, Here I go again!"" Happy father's day!" +27497,0,"For the past few days, I've encountered nothing but trigonometry problems. I think God is trying to give me a Sine." +27498,1,"A kid goes to ask his mom... A mother with 3 children has one of them come up to her and ask ""Mom, why am I nicknamed little dropplet?"" ""Well you see son, the day you were born a little drop fell right on your forehead! So thats why."" Little droplet walks out of the room, happy. His brother, little feather, goes in for the same question. ""Mom, why am I nicknamed little feather?"" ""Well you see son, the day you were born a little feather fell right on your forehead! So thats why."" Little feather walks out of the room, happy. His brother little brick goes in for the question: ""UHHHH AUGH AUUUUGHHHH AH?""" +27499,1,"A New York cop walks by a playing ground and sees a kid bulding something from sand in the sand pit So he walks up to the kid and asks ""What are you creating there little one?"". The kid absorbed in his work promptly says ""I'm making a cop sir!"". Police officer, with his heart filled with pride asks further ""Wow, very nice to see the youth appreciating cops, but how are you building him?"". Kid without looking at the officer says ""I add sand, mix in some water, and then add some dog shit"". The cop furious walks away muttering curses. ​ The next day, the cop is on patrol and goes by the same park playground. He sees the kid playing in the sand pit and approaches. Curious, he asks the kid again ""Hey son, what are you making there?"". Kid with the same concentration on his work says ""I'm building a fire fighter"". Cop intrigued further, asks ""Ok kid, how do you do that?"". Kid says ""I just mix up sand and add some water"". Police officer surprised asks ""That's it? Don't you need to add dog shit too?"". Kid calmy replies ""No noo, if I add dog shit it will become a cop""." +27500,1,How can you tell if a Turian has run out of ammo? He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. +27501,1,"*Drives by pack of cows on the road* Dad: I've always wanted to be a cow, Nick. Me: Can't relate with you there, Dad. *moment of silence* Dad: Out standing in my field. *thinking...thinking...thinking* Me: Ohhhh." +27502,1,How many women fits in a monk monastery? Nun. +27503,4,How do you start an Ethiopian rave? Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling. +27504,0,Did you hear that New Zealand came up with a new use for sheep? They use them for wool +27505,4,I'm so loyal to my Girlfriend The Porn I watch doesn't even have women in it +27506,1,My gf said it's ok to have a little penis.. I'd still prefer if she didn't have one though. +27507,1,"Girl in a super market says to a guy, Hi there: Do I know you he says? I think you're the Father of one of my Kids: He said are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching? She replies. No I'm your Sons Teacher." +27508,2,The say people with big feet.. Have big penises and people with small cars also have big penises. No wonder people are so afraid of clown. +27509,1,I told my girlfriend about my millionaire dad. Now she's my mom. +27510,2,My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it... My credit card was stolen yesterday but not sure if I should report it. The thief is spending a lot less than my wife normally does. +27511,1,What was the result of the Energizer bunny being taken to court? He was charged with assault and battery +27512,2,I would tell my friend his math jokes are average at best. But that's just being Mean. +27513,0,"Every black man has a friend named ""Cool Breeze"" If you don't... Well, it seems like you just got yourself a nickname." +27514,3,"I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl... My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist. But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!" +27515,3,"An old man is sitting on his porch... When a young man comes walking by with a sack full of duct tape. ""What are you gonna do with all that duct tape?"" The old man asks. ""I'm going to go get me some ducks."" The old man laughs, ""You stupid kids these days, that's not gonna to work!"" He laughs and laughs as the young man walks off. A little while later the young man comes back with a sack full of ducks. ""Well I'll be..."" the old man says scratching his head. Next day, same young man comes back with a big roll of chicken wire. ""What the hell you gonna do with that chicken wire?"" ""I'm going to go get me some chickens."" The old man laughs again, ""Ah hell son, you may got lucky with them ducks but this ain't gonna work!"" Again, the young man walks off to the sound of laughter. A little while later the young man comes back with a whole mess of chickens. ""Son of a..."" Next day the young man comes back with a bunch of stuff in his arms. The old looks at him, ""whattya got now?"" ""Some pussy willow"" ""Hold on, let me get my hat!""" +27516,0,I couldnt see where the ball went after it was sent flying into the air Then it hit me... +27517,1,A person who speaks multiple languages is a polyglot. A person who speaks two languages is bilingual. A person who speaks only one language... Is American. +27518,0,"Husband calls home to his wife... ""Honey, I won the lottery, I got every number correct, start packing"" Wife: ""Oh thats terrific, what shall I pack, winter clothes or summer clothes, are we going skiing or somewhere warm?"" Husband: ""I don't give a f**ck as long as you are gone when I get home from work!""" +27519,1,"A woman starts talking to a wise Chinese Master. The woman asks the man: ""Master, why is it that when a man has sex with tons of women, they call him a champion, yet when a woman sleeps with tons of men they call her a slut."" The master starts thinking and then asnwers: ""My child, a key that open many door big treasure, but door that can opened by any key is garbage.""" +27520,2,Why did the biker decline an invitation to the rally? He was just two tired. +27521,1,Don’t sweat the petty things. And don’t pet the sweaty things. +27522,5,"4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! I really hate babies." +27523,5,"An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of  their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it \\**infrequently\\**' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - '**Is that one word or two**?'" +27524,5,"There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face. ""I am having a stroke"" is one that comes to mind." +27525,0,"Mad , brain and fight There were three friends named mad , brain and fight. One day fight went missing and his friends started searching for him. Then brain said,"" Mad let's file a missing person report with the police."" When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said,"" Mad you go and file the report, I will wait for you here."" Mad said, ""okay and walked in. No policeman was paying attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. He went to the officer and smacked the table and the coffee flew in the air landing in the officers Lap. Angry, the policemen asked,"" are you mad? ""Mad replied,"" yes I am Mad."" Then the policemen asked,"" do you have brain? "" Mad replied,"" brain is outside Sir. "" LOL " +27526,4,"Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said ""Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over"". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said ""Nope, it ain't Paddy."" The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, ""Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, ""No, it ain't Paddy."" The mortician asked, ""How can you tell?"" Sean said, ""Well, Paddy had two arseholes."" ""What? He had two arseholes?"" asked the mortician. ""Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'""" +27527,0,"If you spent your day in a well, Can you say it was well-spent?" +27528,3,I’m just a Door looking for a job. Know of any openings? +27529,0,Why is the Food and Drug Administration always wary of Hollywood movies? Because they're mostly adult-rated. +27530,0,Why did the Scotsman sell drugs? He had to get plaid. +27531,1,"I pulled two anorexic girls in the pub last night. Two birds, one stone." +27532,0,"I had a dream about a reality TV show, contestants move in with Arnold Schwarzenegger and complete military drills and assault courses. The series is called Arnie Barracks." +27533,5,What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail? A small medium at large +27534,1,"A timely old favorite What Clinton ACTUALLY said to Monica: ""Hold my calls and sack my cook""" +27535,0,Would Mum and Dad like any of this delicious yeast extract? Ma might. +27536,0,What did the West African nation say as it sank into the sea? I'm a Ghana! +27537,3,So what if i don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world. +27538,2,Me and my wife were happy for 28 years then we got married +27539,3,I've been dealing with intermittent impotence It gets hard sometimes +27540,0,"Two fisherman are fishing when a flock of gulls flies over. First fisherman says, “Wow, look at all those gulls way up there!” Second fisherman says, “From this distance, how can you tell they’re gulls?? They could be boys.” (courtesy of George Burns)" +27541,0,"An old fellow by the name of McQuinn is telling a story to a younger bloke in a pub ""See that church over there?"" he says as he points out of a window. ""Well I built it! I laid all those bricks by myself! But does anybody call me McQuinn the Mason? No."" He then points out of another window. ""See that bridge over there? I built that as well! But does anybody call me McQuinn the Bridge Maker? No!"" He then points out of a third window. ""See that biggest ship at the docks? Also, built by me! But does anybody call me McQuinn the Shipwright? NOT A SINGLE SOUL!"" ""All I had to do was fuck that one sheep...""" +27542,0,"To catch a polar bear First, you're going to want to dig a middling deep hole in the ice. Then, you'll want to line the hole with peas. Fresh peas work best. And not too many. Finally, when a polar bear comes by to take a pea, you kick it in the ice hole." +27543,9,I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg +27544,4,My girlfriend says she’s sick of me treating her like a child... So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself. +27545,5,Why is everyone in North Korea illiterate? Because there can only be one Supreme Reader. +27546,2,I'm planning on starting a new condom company called 'Useful'. So people can say they finally came in useful for once. +27547,1,"Possible NSFW joke. It's probably fine though. 3 teenage boys share a tent as they camp out. In the morning the boys are waking up, the first boy says ""I had the best dream! I was being jerked off!"" One of the other boys says ""no way! Me too!"" The last boy says ""You won't believe it, I was down hill skiing!""" +27548,3,Man I’ve really had it with Ebay I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for their feed back! +27549,0,A man walks into a bat wearing a hat shaped like a fox The bartender asks him why he’s wearing it. The mans says “Well I told my friends I was coming here and they said ‘Wear the Fox Hat’” +27550,3,"What's a dentist's favorite time of the day? Five o'clock, because he hates his job and lives for the weekend." +27551,2,What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry? A cranberry. +27552,0,You know what they say about a ‘well endowed’ urologist? He gets ‘em cumming and going +27553,6,"So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim. Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, ""Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "" He replied, ""Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. """ +27554,3,Why are you late? Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. +27555,0,Why couldn't Mario unlock his phone? Because he had a Nokia. +27556,6,"After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted... ...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications. The General sighed and shook his head. ""Some men just want to watch the world, Bern.""" +27557,0,I wanted to send a death threat letter to my boss... Except that'd really be pushing the envelope. +27558,0,What did Michael Jackson say when he found out he had Native American DNA? Cherok-hee-hee!! +27559,3,"An engineer, mathematician, and a programmer are trapped in another dimension Suddenly before their eyes, the devil materializes. ""Escape from here is impossible without help from a higher power. I'll give you three wishes to escape. If you are still here, I can claim your soul."" ""I wish to leave,"" said the engineer. And so he disappeared, but a piercing shriek could be heard. ""Never known a man who wanted to leave to go to Hell,"" mused the devil. ""I wish for all wishes to be considered in unison, I wish for no pain, I wish to go back to Earth."" ""Changing planes of reality cause pain, I can't move you without hurting you,"" announced the devil as he claimed the mathematician's soul. The programmer weighed his chances of leaving alive and well. ""I wish for you to be like my sex life."" And so the devil vanished." +27560,1,Recently I was lost in the jungle but luckily I had a compass with me... So I could draw perfect circles with a pencil... +27561,1,What do you get when you cross a pig with a politician? Nothing. There are things a pig wouldn't do. +27562,0,Democrats have a point.. even if it is at the top of their head. +27563,2,Why do accountants hate pre-tax income? It's gross. +27564,0,Who is the last China President? Yes he is. +27565,2,Consult an audiophile before buying new headphones Their reasoning is pretty sound +27566,0,What do you call a vegan with diarrhea? A smoothie maker. +27567,1,"A young artist exhibits his work for the first time............. And a well known art critic is in attendance..... the critic says to young artist,""would you like my opinion on your work?"" ""Yes,""says the artist. ""It's worthless,""says the critic The artist replies,""I know but tell me anyway"". " +27568,5,"What's the difference between a Kindergarten and an ISIS stronghold? I don't know, I just fly the drones" +27569,1,"I bumped into my dad in a brothel last night, I was speechless. I thought he worked in a bank. " +27570,2,What do you call a lady doctor for dinosaurs? A dynocologist. +27571,0,"A child asked his father: ""What is a man?"" A child asked his father: ""What is a man?"" Dad: ""A man is someone who loves you unconditionally , cares about you and protects you."" Child: ""Oh okay! When i grow up, I want to be a man just like mom!""" +27572,0,Caught my uncle Caught my uncle looking up skirts. His google searches are weird. +27573,0,Never trust a Parasol... I hear they can be shady. +27574,3,What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph. Because it's only half an esse. +27575,2,"If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be? Black and blue of course. ... The girl, not the car. (Courtesy of my son, the sicko)." +27576,1,I can't look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth. +27577,1,"So the Roman's used to Sodomize their victims on the battlefield, dead included. So does was this the first case of cracking open a cold one with the boys? " +27578,3,What's the funniest motorcycle? A Yama-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.... :) ^^^I'll ^^^show ^^^myself ^^^out... +27579,2,[NSFW] What does a superstitious pimp check every day? His whore-o-scope. +27580,2,Why do archeologists make bad girlfriends? They always dig up the past... +27581,1,How does Donald Trump gets his exercise? By jumping to conclusions +27582,8,"Three men died and ended up in Hell... They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, ""You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog."" The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, ""What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?"" The woman turned to the man and said, ""I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog.""" +27583,0,"My friend told me about the time he hook up with this woman. They were having sex. Her pussy was dry. Really dry, like a desert. He told her she needs to do something about that dry pussy. So, she goes to the bathroom, comes back, and they begin again. Now, her pussy was wet. Soaking wet. He was loving this wet pussy. They were having great sex with her wet pussy. Out of curiosity, he asked her, ""how did you get your pussy so wet."" She said, ""I tore off the scab.""" +27584,2,Why does Post Malone only perform 6 days a week? There's no post on Sundays. +27585,0,"Girl, are your initials M.S.G.? 'cause all I see is u -- mami." +27586,1,How do bunk bed makers get the word out about their product? Multi-level marketing +27587,0,Filk got stilts for Christmas. He missed home by 50 percent. +27588,2,"Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates One man, Jim, turns to the man next to him, Tom. “So, what’s the reason you’re here?” Tom: “I died of hypothermia. What about you?” Jim: “well, I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work one day unannounced to catch her in the act. Turns out she wasn’t, so I got so stressed and embarrassed about it I had a heart attack.” Tom: “dang it! If you would’ve checked in the freezer we’d both still be alive!”" +27589,2,"My favorite pick up line With you I feel like a stud, I was just an STD before" +27590,5,What's the worst thing about a political joke? They usually get elected +27591,5,How often do scientists check the element table? Periodically... +27592,1,"I went to by a watch the other day, and the man in the shop said ""analogue?"" I said, ""No, just a watch, thanks.""" +27593,0,"Two potatoes by the side of the road. How do you know which one's a prostitute? ... The one that says, ""I-da-ho""! " +27594,3,"One foggy night One foggy night, a yankee fan was heading north from New York, and a Red Sox fan was driving south from Boston. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head on, mangling both cars. The yankee fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says ""man I'm lucky to be alive!"" Likewise the Red Sox fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate enough to survive The Red Sox fan walks over to the yankee fan and says ""hey man I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals"" The yankee fan thinks for a moment and says ""ya know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends! In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck"" The yankee fan then pops open the trunk and removes a full and undamaged bottle of jack Daniels. He says to the Red Sox fan ""I think this is another sign we should toast to our newfound friendship"". The Red Sox fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, he hands it back to the yankee fan and says ""your turn!"" The yankee fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river, and says ""nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up"". " +27595,1,"1st day in 1st grade. I didn't knew anybody on my 1st day in 1st grade. After a few minutes I saw a really cute girl and approach to her until a random kid walked infront of me and said,""Yo, that's my girlfriend"". The whole class went into a laughter. My mind puzzled and I decided that the only logical thing to do is punched the asshole in jaw. I punched him with full might and yelled,""Fuck you faggot"". The nurse came and it turned out that I broke his jaw. I still ain't allowed to teach in that school." +27596,0,An atheist and a vegan walked into a bar. We know because they managed to tell everyone within 3 seconds. +27597,0,You know what it's like being with a succubus? It's fucking hell +27598,0,I was pretty attractive back in the 80's But I don't want to date myself. +27599,2,"An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her . The old lady said - I want to be young and beautiful again - I want to very rich - my cat should become a handsome prince Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying .. She asked “what happened ? “ Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!" +27600,6,Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes? Because they always punch up the fuckline +27601,0,What did they call Juan when he started dancing? Hispanic at the disco. +27602,0,I like to watch through your bedroom's window while you sleep... ... you are the only one of my neighbors who has a premium plan for their tv. +27603,1,My girlfriend calls me the gas station... Because I have 6-10 pumps. +27604,0,"Balkan race A Serb, a Croat, a Bosniak, a Slovene, a Montenegrin and an Albanian decided to hold a race to see whose country is the best Balkan country. It was a complete failure: the Montenegrin fell asleep, the Bosniak got lost, the Croat got in a fight with the audience, the Serb got into a fight with the Albanians and the Slovene ran away!" +27605,2,"Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and go seek Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting, while Pascal dashes off to hide. Newton stays where he is and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square in the dirt and steps into it. Once Einstein finishes counting, he notices Newton and says ""AHA, I've found you Newton!"" To which Isaac Newton replies ""you didn't find Newton, Albert. You found a Pascal""" +27606,2,"College is the opposite of kidnapping They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back. " +27607,2,I met a tailor today He seams nice. +27608,1,"Scottishman, Englishman and Irishman Joke *Long* A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are traveling through the amazon rainforest. Suddenly they are captured by an indigenous tribe and taken to camp. The chief approaches the three and manages to communicate: “ we kill you, eat your flesh, make tools with bones and canoe with skin! First, we grant any wish!” The Scotsman looks around, notices a few very beautiful women, scratches his chin and says “ Oh laddie, I wouldn’t mind a little one two with those bonnie lasses over there” He points to the chiefs daughter and friend. The chief agrees, the Scotsman has his way then is promptly killed smiling! The Englishman looks around and noticed another few bountiful girls, pointing to them he says “ My dear fellow, those two fair maidens would be a welcome distraction as well would a bowl of your finest fruit” The chief agrees and the Englishman has his fun then meets the same grisly end. The Irish man has been sitting all this time, mouth agape. “ I wanna fork!” The chief looks puzzled but hands over a fork to the captive. “ Haha, you won’t be making a feckin canoe outta me ya eejits”" +27609,0,"We all know that french people are badass because the eat pain every morning... But imagine those who live in ""Angers"", or those who responds ""Die"" when you ask them in which town they work." +27610,2,"Warning: Car Cleaning scam Guys, please take care when shopping. I've become a victim of a scam, this is what happens: While loading my car at the supermarket 2 very attractive ladies come over to help and clean the windshield wearing very skimpy clothing (very nice to watch I must say), they wouldn't take any payment but instead asked to get a ride to the next store a few miles away, being a gentleman I oblige. On the journey the one in the front seat starts kissing me, playing with me and so on, anyway, it was very traumatic. My pants where thrown into the back, but while I was being distracted by the one on top of me the other one took my wallet! I've been done 3 times this week but they're not there on Sundays. I'll take a look on Monday. p.s Kmart sell wallets for 1.99. " +27611,1,"4D movies were getting great reviews for a while. First, you could get sprayed with water during Life of Pi. Then, your seat would shake during Paranormal Activity. Sadly, 4D didn't work so well with The Dark Knight Rises." +27612,0,Why is the gun sad ? Because he got fired +27613,0,Doughnuts make u go nuts What kind of doughnuts do the KKK prefer? White powdered doughnuts +27614,3,You know you just can't tell Penguin jokes. They just don't fly +27615,2,"Gotta love old school Little Johnny Little Johnny: uncle Kev, can you tell me the difference between POTENTIALLY and REALISTICALLY?? Uncle Kevin: Thought for a second, alright, go ask your auntie mavis if she would have sex with the mailman for a million bucks... So he does and she says she would... Then Uncle Kevin told him to go ask his cousin the same thing... Of course she said she would as well... Telling Uncle Kevin this he says: Ok so POTIENTALLY I'm sitting on 2 million bucks... But REALISTICALLY Im just living with a couple of whores!!!!" +27616,5,"How many people does it take to make a mistake? In your case, two." +27617,0,"Don't tell her she is beautiful. She knows that already. Tell her something that she doesn't know.. like Domino's was founded by two brothers, Tom & James Monaghan, who bought a pizza restaurant called DomiNick's for $500. Early on, James traded 50% of the ownership of the company to his brother for a used Volkswagen Beetle." +27618,3,My buddy got me a telepathic abacus for Christmas It's the thought that counts +27619,5,"Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely? Welcome to the shutdown..." +27620,4,What does a zombie call a dick? Junk food +27621,0,"A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline." +27622,4,"A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... ""Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, ""The Double Mint Twins are Coming"" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said ""Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling"", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said ""William's Big Stick Did the Trick"", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said ""Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"".. ..I just lost it.......""CASE DISMISSED!!""" +27623,0,"I like my women as I like my data... Discrete, independent, driven and most importantly, Real!" +27624,1,"I tried to convert to Judaism, but they rejected me when they found out I was uncircumcised. I guess I just didn't make the cut." +27625,0,"I'm in love I know I might be rushing in, but I just need to find her. There's a hot single Asian woman located near me who wants to have sex with me, according to the ads on the side of this cool site I found which I can't link. " +27626,1,The population of South America is huge! It's gotta be like at *least* a Brazilian! +27627,1,What should you do if you get lost? Hmmmmmmmm I wonder. +27628,2,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, glass ceilings don't have lightbulbs!" +27629,2,What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes *WHACK* “Dang!” but a bad skydiver goes “Dang!” *WHACK* +27630,0,Why was king Arthur’s army too tired to fight? Because they Came-lot +27631,0,"My wife told me to go bring a spider outside instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks, he's a nice guy, wants to be a Web designer. " +27632,0,Why was there an 8 in the middle of the 7-11? Because 10 9 ate +27633,0,"The police were way to harsh on Lochte I mean- how many times have *they* said ""He had a gun!""" +27634,0,What do you get when you mix a rhino with an elephant? Eliphino +27635,0,"Donald Trump on not repeating himself at last nights debate: ""I do not repeat myself! I do not repeat myself!"" Funny, cause its true." +27636,0,How do you get out of a room with a table but no doors and no windows? Look at the table and see what you saw. Saw the table in half and put the halves together to make a whole. Climb out the hole. +27637,4,"Little Johnny's Frog This is probably my favorite joke of all time. Heard it first 25 years ago from my dad when I was 13, and though I don't regularly Reddit, I've never seen it here. Here goes. Little Johnny goes up to his parents bedroom and takes a $100 bill from his Dad's secret stash in his sock drawer. Shoving it down deep in his pocket, he heads out the door. As he crosses the threshold, he bends down and picks up a string. The string has a dead frog tied to the end of it. Little Johnny slings the dead frog over his shoulder and he starts walking in the direction of his school. Also in this direction is the house that everyone in town knows is a well-used bordello. Without missing a beat as he approaches the whorehouse, he turns and walks up the front door and right inside. Immediately inside the door is a large desk, and right behind the desk is an older lady, the Madame of the house. No hesitation. Little Johnny walks up to the desk, looking the Madame in the eye, and slaps down the $100 bill and says ""I need a hooker with crabs"". The Madame slides the money back toward Johnny and says ""We don't service anyone under 18 here, take your money and get out"". Little Johnny slides it back to her and replies ""No, but you do have lots of politicians come in here, and I'm sure they don't want anyone to know. Now... I want a hooker with crabs, and I want one NOW."" The Madame thinks about it for a second. She avoids scandal and makes money from a girl she normally wouldn't? The Madame says to Little Johnny, ""Okay, you little shit. You have yourself a deal. $100 and you get a hooker with crabs.... IF you tell me two things... Why a hooker with crabs?.... And what the hell is up with that dead frog on that string?"" Little Johnny answers her. ""Look. I go upstairs. I have sex with that hooker, and she gives me crabs. I go to school. I come home from school and my babysitter is there. I have sex with her, too, and give her crabs. My dad comes home, and gives the babysitter a ride home. On the way, they'll have sex and she'll give crabs to my dad. Later, my mom will come home and my dad will have sex with her, giving her crabs. Finally, the next day, the mailman will come by with a 'special delivery' and my mom will have sex with him, giving him crabs. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT RAN OVER MY FROG!"" " +27638,1,"I met this cute Inuit girl but I didn't know what to say, so I just said something funny. It was an icebreaker joke." +27639,1,The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously. I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation. +27640,1,"If I've learned anything from Lot's wife, it's that... Looking back just makes you salty" +27641,8,Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest? To kill his career. +27642,1,"Where did you put your Pepto? ""None of your bismuth.""" +27643,2,How much in royalties did 50 Cent get paid by Republicans? It's obviously a cover of Get Rich or Die Tryin' +27644,3,My psychiatrist told me I was dissociating What a weird way to start a conversation. +27645,0,Love is a lot like a fart If you have to push it it's probally crap +27646,1,"An Irishman, and an English man walk into a bar You'd think the English man would see it ahead." +27647,0,"The Snowman: Story of a white, adult male appearing in the gardens of young boys in the middle of the night, enticing them out of their homes and leading them to the woods to meet a secret, international club of similar members. " +27648,0,TIFU by... Getting needled by a dirty prick. +27649,1,I told my girlfriend that my penis and my punchlines are similar because they both have twists in the end. She agreed saying she's never seen either coming. +27650,3,"A man walks into a small bank There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around: ""Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."" The teller rolls her eyes before asking ""How?"" While pulling out a handgun, the man answered: ""Insecure.""" +27651,5,"My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before. " +27652,2,What do u call a unicorns dad? What do u call a unicorns Dad? Popcorn!? +27653,0,Why did the drug attic go to the chiropractor? He was looking for some good crack. +27654,2,"A preacher visits an elderly congregation member A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.  ""Mind if I have a few?"" he asks.  ""No, not at all!"" the woman replied.  They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.  ""I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few.""  ""Oh, that's all right,"" the woman says. ""Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."" " +27655,2,"GIVE IT TO ME she yelled ""Oh my God I'm so wet!!"" She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella" +27656,1,My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions. He can't be right. +27657,1,"About the area 51 raid... So, everyone is worried that people are going to go to the raid and die. But.my question is, can't we just BLJ ourselves to victory?" +27658,5,Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history. Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this? Kids : It's Anubis. Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!! +27659,5,What does a cop and a dj have in common They both tell drunk people to put their hands up +27660,1,And then the sock said... That’s not a foot! +27661,1,"We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy." +27662,1,How many geniuses does it take to change a light bulb? One. Thomas Edison +27663,0,Ya mama so old... Her history class was called current events. +27664,0,"Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know can you? Student: Well, let's check... *strained grunting*" +27665,3,"Three Chinese Tortures One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door. “Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you put me up for the night?” “Of course”, said the old man with a slight bow. “Come on inside”. “BUT! On one condition. You will not lay a finger on my precious daughter. For if you do, I will inflict on you the three worst Chinese tortures know to man”. Thinking about how old the man was, his daughter couldn’t be a spring chicken herself, so he accepted the old mans terms and was welcomed inside. When dinner was served, a young, beautiful woman walked down the stairs. ‘This was his daughter’, he thought. Oh boy, he was in trouble. Furthermore, her eyes were locked on him, flirting the entire night. After a long evening of her flirtatious wiles, he snuck into her room late at night, and they made quiet, passionate love. Afterwards, he sneaks back into the guest room in the attic and goes to sleep thinking he got away with it. The next morning, he wakes up to a pressure on his chest, and sees a large rock on top of him with a note taped to it. “Chinese torture #1”, the note said. “Large rock placed on chest”. “Really?” He thought. “Was this the best the old man could do?” He heaves the rock off of him, carried it to the window and tossed it out to roll down the hill. Once he does he notices a second note taped to the wall. “Chinese torture #2. Rock tied to left testicle”. In horror, he looks down to see a thin rope leading out his left pant leg. The rope was rapidly running out the window. In a split second decision, he jumped out the window. Rather he break a bone then being castrated. When he crashed through the window pane he saw a large note dug into the ground. “Chinese torture #3. Right testicle tied to bed post”." +27666,5,If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone bashing EA . . . I still wouldn't have enough to unlock everything in Battlefront 2 +27667,1,Why are teenage girls so obsessed with vampire shows? They don't want to be the only ones obsessed with sucking. +27668,5,"What's the difference between your Wife and your Job? Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks." +27669,1,How does Thanos communicate? Snapchat +27670,0,Are you bad wifi? Because I see there is no connection here. +27671,0,"Why is it hard for pirates to learn the alphabet? Because they spent their life at the ""C""" +27672,0,"One day, my disabled vegan wheelchair-bounded friend told me that I should go vegan. I asked her: ""Why? What good does it do?"" She said: ""It'll give you a much healtier diet than eating those fatty meats."" So I decided to try it out. First, I gave away all my meat to the homeless on the streets. Then I bought those leafy greens that my friend said were good for me. Lastly, I went to her house and asked her: ""Are you ready to see me become vegan?"" Bedore she could answer, I took out my pistol, shot her in the head, and started eating like a vegan, because vegetables are good for you." +27673,3,"An man asks a young attractive lady if she would fuck him for $1M She answers: ""Yes, I would!"" ""Would you do it for $50 , too?"" he continues. ""No! Do you think I am a prostitute??"" ""I thought we already clarified that. Now we are just negotiating the price.""" +27674,0,I just came up with a pun chline +27675,0,What's the difference between a woman named Hope in a church vs a bathtub? When she's in a church she has hope in her soul. +27676,3,If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined. +27677,1,"With many truck routes blocked from Wildfire, California residents are having beef shipments airdropped to them. The steaks have never been higher." +27678,2,"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer." +27679,2,"A bear and a rabbit were both squatting down having a shit in the woods, side by side. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, ""Do you ever get shit stuck in your fur?"". The rabbit replies, ""No, not really"". So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his arse with it." +27680,3,"Blind guy walks into a bar. First thing he does is pick up his dog by its leash and start swinging it above his head like a lasso. The bartender says ""hey! What are you doing?!?"" Blind guy says ""just having a look around.""" +27681,3,There are two types of people in traffic. Me and those who can not fucking drive. +27682,0,Astronomers have just captured the first image of a black hole And here your mom sends me a pic of hers every night! +27683,0,"I saw my dad staring at a glass of juice one night I went to bed and the next morning he offered me the juice, ""What is it?"" I asked. He replies ""It's orange juice, from concentrate."" " +27684,3,What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar? I don't know. +27685,6,Whoever invented the knock knock joke.. Should get a no-bell prize +27686,0,"Knock knock ""Whos there?"" ""Doctor"" ""Doctor Who?"" " +27687,0,Stranger things: what does eleven and steve have in common? They both have an Eg(g)o problem! +27688,2,My wife threatened to leave me Because of my ‘filthy and disgusting habits’. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails. +27689,4,"Kid is riding with his dad in a truck and sees two dogs doing it The kid is like, ""Daddy, daddy, what are they doing?!"" The father is all embarrassed but thinks fast and tells the kid, ""Well, son, they decided to make themselves a little puppy."" That night the kid goes to his parents bedroom and sees them having sex and asks them completely horrified, ""Daddy, daddy, what are you doing to mommy?!"" Father is extremely embarrassed but decide honesty is best so he says, ""Well, we decided to give you a little brother or sister."" The kid says, ""Flip her over, dad, I want a puppy.""" +27690,0,I like my mitochondria a lot. It's great because it knows how to produce a tipi. +27691,3,What is the Grim Reaper's favorite kind of drink? Mortali-tea! +27692,3,I asked my friend how he likes living in North Korea Hey said he couldn’t complain. +27693,2,What do you call a smart idiot? An oxy-moron +27694,2,Did you hear about the man that didn't think his posture could be fixed? He stood corrected. +27695,1,My girlfriend started complaining that I was cheating on her. I told her she started to sound like my wife. +27696,1,"So since employers have employees, that must mean that testers have... Silly me, people who administer tests are called proctors." +27697,1,I lost a lot of money in a pyramid scheme. But at least I got to keep the mummy! +27698,1,What do you call a car made out of Canadian money? A CADillac. +27699,4,I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual. +27700,0,How are alcohol and life similar? They both should be finished as quickly as possible +27701,6,I'm starting to hate the U.S. government The NSA appears to be the only department which listens +27702,1,What is the national anthem of South Korea? Heart and Seoul. +27703,3,Why dont ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies. +27704,6,"Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction? Yoda : Off course we are. " +27705,2,"A sailor is stationed on an exotic island for months... He writes to his wife and tells her ""I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island woman every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."" The wife responds with a package and a letter that says ""I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. I've sent you an accordion; focus on learning to play it, and that will give you something to focus on besides beautiful island women."" Months go by, and finally the sailor returns home. He tells his wife he's missed her so much and can't wait to get her to bed and ravage her. ""I've missed you, too, honey. But first, play me a song on your accordion.""" +27706,0,"Elementary School Teacher falls down really bad | Old joke from Brazil After the break time, Mrs. Schmoyer called all kids to go back to the classroom. While they were walking through the hallway, Mrs. Schmoyer (who was wearing a black skirt that day) suddenly falls really bad on the floor. All the kids shout laughing. She stands up really mad and starts do yield at the kids. Then, she turns to little Susan: ""What did you see, Mrs. Becker??"" ""- I saw your shoes, Mrs. Schmoyer"" ""One day of suspension!"" ""Ronald??"" ""I saw your knees. I'm sorry!"" ""Suspended for one week!"" ""Mr. Simpson??"" ""I'm so sorry Mrs. Schmoyer. I saw your thighs"" ""One month out!"" Then, she turns to little Peter: ""What about you, Mr. Silva???"" ""I'll miss you guys, see you all next year...""" +27707,5,"Why did I get divorced?? Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, ""Happy birthday, boss!"" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, ""Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"" ""Okay,"" I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, ""SURPRISE!!!"" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. " +27708,1,Sometimes I gaze upwards at the endless stars that populate the sky and realize how small I truly am. I should get one of those pumps. +27709,0,Why did the pedophile go into the bar? He didn't . They're all over 18 +27710,0,Have you ever read the gospel according to Shrek? It's actually quite easy to find. You just need to read Psalm BODY +27711,5,"Three ducks walk into a bar (NSFW) Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, ""Thanks man, my name is Huey."" The bartender says ""Nice to meet you Huey! How's your day been?"" Huey replies ""Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!"" The bartender congratulates Huey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 2nd duck and hands him his beer. When the 2nd duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, ""Thanks man, my name is Dewey."" The bartender says ""Nice to meet you Dewey! How's your day been?"" Dewey replies ""Man! I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful day! I have been in and out of puddles all day long. I will remember this day forever!"" The bartender congratulates Dewey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 3rd duck and hands him his beer. The bartender says ""Let me guess...your friend's names are Huey and Dewey, so you must be Louie"" The 3rd duck glares at the bartender and says ""No, you asshole. My name is Puddles and DON'T ask me how my f**king day has been!""" +27712,2,What did the biscuit say when it got run over? Nothing. Biscuits can’t talk. +27713,0,What's the quickest way to remedy when you're bitten by a Death Adder? Get bitten by a Death Subtractor +27714,2,"Boy complains to his father Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!  Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front." +27715,0,What kind of doctors do elephants become? Pachydermatologists +27716,1,A man and a snail A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ +27717,2,Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan +27718,0,"World’s smallest resignation letter to boss: Dear Sir, Thooo… Thanks." +27719,2,What did the sheep say to its new Facebook friend? Unfriend me if you don't like what I have to shear. +27720,6,"Another blonde joke A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.  She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.  Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.  During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.  ""I finished the exam,"" she replies. ""Now I'm rechecking my answers.""" +27721,0,"A couple goes out to get some coffee When they get to the coffee shop, the woman orders a daybreak. The man, trying to impress her, orders a kopi luwak. A moment later, they both get their coffee. As they are drinking, the man says 'I enjoy the finer things once in a while' and winks at her. She replies 'I see that. Those beans have been eaten by Capuchins at some point.' The man then says 'Yeah right, I'll drink monkey shit before I believe that.'" +27722,0,Why does Bernie Sanders support abortions? Because even after he's blown his load he won't pull out. +27723,1,After finally getting a girlfriend and having the most intense vigorous sex of my life... I've decided it would take less effort to just masturbate +27724,0,BATHTIME FOR CRIMINALS Q: Why'd the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway. +27725,2,"A priest was driving at night When he saw a car in the oncoming g lane swerving wildly all across the road. The priest had to swerve himself to not get hit and ended up hitting the ditch and rolling his car into the nearby field. Fortunately, he was unhurt, just a little shaken, and climbed out of the wreckage. The car he was swerving from stops and backs up, and a clearly drunk man climbs out. ""Are you okay?"" asks the drunk. ""Yes,"" says the priest. ""The Lord was with me."" ""Well you better let him ride with me,"" says the drunk. ""You're gonna kill him!""" +27726,3,Why can't you understand a single incest joke on its own? Because they are all related. +27727,0,"Santa is finishing up (long) He's finishing early tonight and figures he'll have time to get one beer in him at the North Pole bar down the street, so he does and someone recognizes him and offers him some pills, so he takes some and has the animalistic buzz going and his dick hasn't been this hard since he was 27 so he rides back naked in his sled to Ms Claus but gets into an accident on North boulevard, he's dead! Christmas next year is cancelled! Think about it... don't drink and drive...just joking go ahead I love reading about young people in the obbituaries...just kidding do be careful and Merry Christmas and just kidding the jokes not gonna end like that, though I'm making it up as I go along...see the raindeer were like ""meh it's only 2 AM, we've had longer nights, plus we're not drunk, ok we're home old man get your naked ass over to your wife, so he does but first he lights a joint and gets good and roasted. He walks in naked to Ms Claus. He remarried last year to a beautiful 19 year old blonde girl from Iceland who really likes sex and one of her fantasies is to be woken up with sex so he does, she was sleeping, but he was generous on the lube so she didn't complain, but I won't go into details but they come together and Santa gets to sleep early, he takes boxing day off, but he has a second job obviously, after work he generally likes to play pool with the raindeer and poker with the elves, but he's been a little down lately. But the sex obviously would put a stride in anyone's step, so hopefully he sleeps well. Ms.claus forced him to go to church this morning. ""Bitch"" He thought. He doesn't like Church. He thinks the idea of some guy magically knows what everyone is up to all the time to be silly. Contrary to popular belief he doesn't see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake he's just a mortal. He thought the only magical thing he has is his deer. Just joking magic deer don't exist. ""Who said that?!"" Says Santa, and it's as though he woke up from a nightmare in someone else's house he looks outside and sees his Jeep and starts to remember who he is ""right I'm Santa I own a Jeep I have work on the 27th I own a Jeep, flying raindeer don't exist, that would be wiered, I'm 1747 years old"" just kidding Santa is 63, no one lives much past 120 anymore these days! ""WHO Said that??!"" Santa screams ""are you hearing the voices again darling"" says 39 year old Ms Claus ""yes, that's right you're 39 in the dream you were ... nevermind"" just kidding Ms. Claus died three years ago today and Santa never remarried ""Stop!I don't know who you are but you've taken away my raindeer and you've taken away my wife, my second wife's youth, then you took away my second wife altogether, you're making my existence vanish by your word, what are you?"" I am your creator ""but do I exist?"" Depends if kids are reading this or not. ""My existence depends on whether or not kids pay attention to me?! And if not?!"" Then I'm affraid you're just a bunch of 1s and 0s...""No! Please! Children! Upvote the shit out of this!"" Just kidding, Santa doesn't exist (prove me wrong?)" +27728,4,What do you call religious hay? Christian Bale. +27729,5,What do you call a funny snake? HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL ^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one.. +27730,2,Did you hear about the broken helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland? Disneyland +27731,1,"An Aussie and a Mexican Hitch a Ride on Air Force One An Aussie backpacker and his Mexican mate managed to hitch a ride on Air Force One. They were sitting with their packs beside a pile of parachutes sharing a taco and a vegemite sandwich when an explosion rocked the plane and it started going down. There was a mad rush as people started grabbing parachutes and jumping from the plane. “I’m sorry,” said the stewardess, “you hitchhikers will have to be last.” This seemed fair enough, so the hitchers waited until everyone else had jumped. “Crickey, looks like we get the last two chutes mate” said the Aussie. Just then the President came along. He was running late as he had been watching the drama unfold on Fox. “Sorry,” he said. “But I am a great great man, one of the best men. I am the brains of America. The country can’t survive without me so I will need one of the chutes.” And so saying, he strapped on a pack and leapt from the plane. “What should we do now?” the Mexican asked the Aussie. “There are two of us and only one parachute.” “Don’t worry mate, don’t worry at all,” said the Aussie. “The brains of America just took my backpack.” " +27732,4,"So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots... But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to *buy* himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size gator. The shop owner gives him directions and a map and says ""Oh and when you're out there, keep an eye out for two Marines I sent out about a week ago. They wanted some Gator boots too but haven't come back yet. So the Army Ranger heads out following the shop owner's directions and gets way out into the Bayou. Sure enough, there's two Marines standing waist deep in water with like twenty dead gators stacked up behind them on the muddy shoreline. The Ranger waits to see their strategy and when another gator approaches one of the Marines jumps on it's back and brutally kills it with his combat knife. He drags it up onto the shoreline, turns it over, looks at it's feet and turns to his Marine buddy and says ""Dammit! This one doesn't have any boots either!""" +27733,3,A bunch of soldiers were suddenly under fire by ISIS troops Officer: Men! FIRE AT WILL! Will: What did I do? +27734,1,"Patient is waiting for surgery... And the doctor says ""your just going to feel a little prick"" ""But doctor, I don't know you that well""" +27735,1,I looked up the results of a french rowing race Turns out my favorite boat got sank. +27736,6,"Female hormones in a beer Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. " +27737,0,"RE: Some people are asking about the Trump security briefing this week, What happens if Donald Trump Leaks? Depends, he's old enough the wear 'em." +27738,6,"A Texan says to a Harvard student... Texan: where are ya from? Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions. Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?" +27739,1,"Why are post on Reddit categorized ? Because if it was not the case, it would not be flair" +27740,2,Why do brides smile so much at the wedding ? No more blow jobs. +27741,4,What does all pirate music have in common? It's all played in the high C's. +27742,2,[NSFW] Why did the skeleton wear pants? To conceal his boner. +27743,3,"Kid vs barber A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’ " +27744,2,If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole and fox lives in a foxhole Does that mean a donkey lives in an asshole? +27745,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? It saw a car and suffered from clinical depression. +27746,0,"What's the smallest hotel in the world? a pussy, because you have to leave the bags outside." +27747,6,"A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city. Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting? Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart. Journalist: And what does your heart say? Riot Officer: Beat, beat, beat." +27748,0,There was a man who always lied He walked into a bar one day and said everyone drinks on me for the night so one guy asked him why so he replied I just had a baby and it weighs 60 pounds. Everyone said wtvr he's a liar and ignored him. The next week he comes back to the bar and tells everyone the same thing that all drinks are on him in honor of his baby being a week old and weighing only 20 pounds. So the same guy asked but didn't your baby weigh 60 last week? Yeah but he just had his circumcision +27749,3,"A young married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to repaper the dining room. They call on a neighbor who has a dining room the same size and ask,“How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?” “Seven,” he says. So the couple buys seven rolls of expensive paper, and they start papering. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dining room is finished. Annoyed, they go back to the neighbor and say, “We followed your advice, but we ended up with three extra rolls!” “So,” he says, “that happened to you too.”" +27750,2,"I was out walking in the forest one day Suddenly, i hear the crunch of a branch being snapped. I turn a round, and, omg, facing a bear! I start running, but i dont get far until its on me! It slaps me to the ground, growling! I pray that this isn't the end when... the bear hugs me gently. Turns out its a bi-polar bear" +27751,0,A police officer rolled up to a rave and turned their lights on. Because they wanted to join the party. +27752,0,There is something I realized about those guys who are the biggest dickheads. They always have mind-blowing girlfriends. +27753,0,I was gonna take a picture of my cat and post it on Reddit... but I am terrible at fur-tography. +27754,4,What do you call a person who knows 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call a person who knows 2 languages? Bilingual. What do you call a person who knows only one language? American. +27755,0,What do mathematicians call it when you try to square root a negative number? A sin. +27756,1,"Many hands make light work... But as my friend says, ""to many corpses clog the wood chipper.""" +27757,1,What instrument does a pumpkin play? An a-gourd-ian. (I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head) +27758,7,Do you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect. +27759,3,Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? Because he only **comes** once a year. +27760,0,People would often feel hungry after going to a funeral ... In old Greek. +27761,0,"My friend, a chef, got arrested for assault The people in his restaurant said the meal packed a punch." +27762,1,Did you hear about all of those lumberjack orgies? It was a series of senseless debirchery. +27763,1,"A man comes into a bar with an alligator Ofcourse the bartender says: you can't bring that alligator inside its not safe To which the man says he doesn't harm annyone and to demonstrate this he does the only logical thing and pulls out his dong and puts it in the mouth of the alligator. As the man said nothing happend and the man asks who else wants to try. To which an old lady replies: I want to try, but then you first have to put that gator away" +27764,2,"There was a gentleman living in a small village Who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, ""Is there anything else you'd like?"" The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, ""Yeah, got any cookies?"" " +27765,3,"My dad said something earlier that gave me chills. He said, ""I'm turning off the heating.""" +27766,0,Why does the Devil never eat cheese? Because it is too holey. Edit \\- Should I have used bread instead of cheese? +27767,1,What did the cell say to his sibling when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis +27768,3,"A man goes to the comedian's banquet . . . A man goes to the local comedian's annual banquet with a friend who is a professional comic. The dinner begins and pretty soon a man rises to his feet, gets everyone's attention and says ""32."" The room erupts in laughter and the man sits back down. A while later, another comic rises at another table, the crowd quiets down to hear what he has to say, and he announces ""17"" and the place goes crazy with laughter. This happens a few more times with assorted numbers killing the audience when finally the non-comic attendee leans over to his friend and asks, ""What the heck is going on? What's so funny about numbers?"" The friend explains, ""We're all comedians here and we've all been in comedy so long, and all know the same jokes so well, that we've numbered them in order to save time. So, now instead of telling a long, drawn-out joke with a setup and punchline, we just say the number of the joke we want to tell and everyone here knows it."" The new guy thinks about this and thinks, this is great, I can say a number and make a whole room full of professional comedians laugh. I can't pass up this opportunity. After a reasonable lull, the new guy rises, clears this throat and says ""24."" There is a stony silence and he sits back down. He takes a drink and leans over to his friend and asks, ""what happened?!"" His friend just shakes his head and says, ""That joke's a classic, but your timing stinks.""" +27769,5,"I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends panties, they're really starting to chaffe my thighs." +27770,2,What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom? A reptile dysfunction. +27771,0,Some people were putting food in their trunk with their gas. Their food is going to make them all gassy now. +27772,3,My dog is an amputee and his fake leg fell off while we were showing it to our friends. It was quite the faux paw. +27773,6,"The Husband Store So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though: 1. You can only shop once. Ever. 2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total) 3. You can choose any product from any floor, but once you go up a floor you cannot come back to the previous floor. So one day a group of friends decide to give this place a visit. Once they go into the first floor of the store, they are greeted with a sign that says: WELCOME TO THE FIRST FLOOR: All the men here are average-looking and have no jobs. The girls just laugh and proceed to the second floor. WELCOME TO THE SECOND FLOOR: All the men here are good-looking and have decent paying jobs. The girls go 'That's nice, but let's see what else they've got'. So they proceed to the next floor. WELCOME TO THE THIRD FLOOR: All the men here are good-looking, have decent paying jobs and are excellent in bed. 'Now we're talking!' shout the girls in excitement. 'But we still have three more floors to go, let's see what else they've got' So they proceed to the next floor. WELCOME TO THE FOURTH FLOOR: All the men here are extremely good-looking, have high-paying jobs so you won't have to work a day in your life, are excellent in bed and they absolutely love kids. The girls cannot contain their excitement and have half a mind to go into this door but the idea of two more floors is just too enticing. So they proceed to the next floor. WELCOME TO THE FIFTH FLOOR: All the men here are extremely good-looking, have high-paying jobs so you won't have to work a day in your life, are excellent in bed, they absolutely love kids, are super romantic and they will never be unfaithful. Now the girls are just absolutely squealing and are about to go thru this door when they remember there's still one more floor. 'What could be better than this? Remember we can't ever come back if we leave' they think. But curiosity gets the best from them. So they proceed to the next floor. WELCOME TO THE SIXTH FLOOR: There are no men here. This floor is here just as proof that women are impossible to please. You are the 31,428,474th visitor of this floor. Thank you for shopping with us! BONUS: They opened a Wife Store next door with the same rules: 1. You can only shop once. Ever. 2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total) 3. You can choose any product from any floor, but once you go up a floor you cannot come back to the previous floor. FIRST FLOOR: All the women here won't nag you a day in your life. To this day, nobody knows what's in the second floor. " +27774,1,"don't make paper snowflakes for a living. Trust me, you'll have your work cut out for you." +27775,1,What do you call a bee that makes milk? A BOObee! +27776,0,"A relationship is a like a fart If you have to force it, it’s probably shit." +27777,1,I went to my first Premature Ejaculations Club today but they sent me back. It turns out I came a bit early +27778,0,A reposter reposted... And he was ashamed of himself. +27779,5,"Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. ""Who is the creator of the universe?"" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, ""God almighty!"" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, ""Tell me who is our lord and savior?"" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, ""What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, ""If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!""" +27780,0,What does a construction frog say? Rivet. +27781,2,"When I got home tonight, my wife asked me what I wanted to watch. Apparently, ""you pack your shit and move out"" was not a good answer." +27782,0,What way is the most direct way to get home? Driveway +27783,0,"A Buddhist goes to a hotdog stand. The vendor asks what he would like to order and he says: ""make me one with everything.""" +27784,1,"What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen." +27785,1,What does the frog say? reddit! reddit! reddit! +27786,0,"What do Japanese Jews say to each other whenever parting ways? ""Zionara!""" +27787,3,"If someone feeds you alphabet soup... Is that putting words in your mouth? Also, if they are about to feed you and pull back, is that taking the words out of your mouth?" +27788,1,"2 Jokes Joke 1: A man is driving alongside a cliff leading down into the ocean. He's a delivery man for Dunkin' donuts, so his truck is filled with boxes of donuts of every kind. Glazed, old-fashioned, even apple fritters, you name it, he has it in his truck. Now this man is in a hurry, and he's driving pretty fast, about 60 mph. He's driving along, and he suddenly hits a bump. His truck jumps a little, but he's fine, still on the road. Then, he begins to speed up. He gets up to 80 mph, on this road just feet from a cliff. Then he hits a second bump. A little bit more of a jolt, but ultimately nothing to be concerned about. The man isn't scared at all, and gets his truck up to 100 mph. At this breakneck speed, he hits a third bump. This time, a donut flies out of his truck, off the cliff, and into the ocean below, where a fish eats it. Joke 2: A man gets married to a beautiful wife, and for their honeymoon they decide to go on a cruise. During the cruise, the man is leaning against the railing thinking about how wonderful his life is. Unfortunately, the man had quickly developed a bad habit of twirling his wedding ring around his finger. While doing so, he accidentally knocks it off of his finger and into water. The man dejectedly explains to his wife what happened. She's pretty angry, so to make it up to her, he takes her to a really fancy restaurant after they dock. After long deliberation, the man orders the fish. The fish arrives, steaming and beautifully cooked. The man cuts into it, and is shocked at what is inside. He just can't believe what he sees. A free donut! (For optimal telling, wait a few minutes after telling the first)" +27789,0,Why did the paraplegic give up his stage career? He just couldn't get the hang of stand up comedy. +27790,1,Why did the bee fly in a parabolic arch? Just bee-cos. +27791,1,What's the favorite meat of Italian fratboys? Brosciutto. +27792,0,Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? Because the old lady with the recipe died. +27793,1,"There are some things that you just can't say with a straight face Like: ""I'm having a stroke""" +27794,2,"Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your Facebook will do." +27795,0,A man was dying and decided to donate his heart to an another person in need His wife was hoping and praying he would survive but He didn’t have the heart to tell her +27796,0,Have you guys heard about JJ Watt? He's all washed up. +27797,1,What do you call a NAMBLA member crossing the street? A pederastrian +27798,2,What do you call a homosexual redneck? A confederate fag +27799,2,Much like cows eating marijuana. The steaks have never been higher. +27800,0,Why is Boeing the most humble company? Got it's whole fleet of 737 MAX grounded. +27801,0,Why was Santa Claus sick? From coming down with the flue. +27802,0,What sort of cheese do you use to lure a bear out of a cave? Camembert +27803,1,"Got a morse code message the other day: DASH, DASH DASH, DASH DASH, DASH DOT. It was a loss at sea." +27804,1,Ever read The Catcher in the Rye? Or are you holden on for a better time to read it? +27805,0,"Brown paper Kid Sheriff walks into the local saloon. There's your usual crowd of drunks, gamblers and travellers. He walks up to the bartender. ""I'm looking for the Brown paper Kid. Is there anybody by that name?"" The bartender points at a lanky young man slouched in the corner sitting at a table all by himself. The sheriff, his Spurs spinning menacingly, struts over across to him real slow. The man is dressed in brown paper trousers, brown paper shirt, brown paper kerchief and he's even got a brown paper Stetson that he's pulled down over his eyes. ""Are you the Brown paper Kid?"" asks the Sheriff. The man lifts his hat up with a finger, takes a good look at the Sheriff, his badge and his holster. ""Yup."" ""Come on then, I'm taking you in,"" says the Sheriff. ""Sure, but you gotta tell me what crime I committed."" ""Rustling, son.""" +27806,0,Hope everyone’s Fourth of July Was a blast . (Insert annoyed comments below) you’re welcome (: +27807,0,"What does a feminist, a vegan, and Lavar Ball have in common? Sooner or later we're all going to have to hear about it." +27808,1,What do you call a Latino scooter? Vespa-cito +27809,0,Life hack Use your seat belt buckle to open your beer while driving +27810,0,What kinds of nuts are most studious? M'acadamia nuts +27811,0,I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. +27812,5,"Troubled arm A man went to visit his doctor. ""Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?"" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. ""Hello, Doctor,"" says the arm. ""Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"" ""Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!""" +27813,0,"A Frenchman is on the coast of Calais with his bike and a croissant And then the croissant falls off the bike's basket and the Frenchman says ""If you fall I will throw you to the ocean"" Then they are riding by the coast and the croissant falls again and he says again annoyed ""If you fall again I will throw you to the ocean. "" So the croissant falls off the bike and the Frenchman throws to the ocean the croissant. Then a few months pass and the Frenchman is dating a very beautiful woman and as a present the Frenchman buys some tickets for a cruise in the Atlantic ocean and when they go to the cruise they Frenchman asks her girlfriend to marry her to which she responds "" If you find in 24 hours this ring I will marry you"" As she says this she tosses the ring to the ocean. The Frenchman goes swimming trying to find the ring but he couldn't find it. So when they come back to Calais he goes to eat with her at a seafood restaurant and when they open a lobster what did they find? The croissant." +27814,2,"After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed... ...that, Sir, this is a liquor store." +27815,0,It's not lootboxes It's surprise mechanics +27816,5,What did our parents do to kill boredom before the Internet ? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they don't know either. +27817,3,"An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater ""Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"" The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit. ""Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"" Another faint mumble. Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired ""Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"" ""The balcony""" +27818,4,what do a russian say when the internet goes down? Internyet +27819,0,How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Pretty damn hot +27820,4,How did every joke in the Soviet Union start? With a glance over your shoulder. +27821,2,I told the dentist I was concerned about the buildup on my teeth He just brushed it off. +27822,2,You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus. I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that. +27823,4,Why do pirates love reddit? It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold. +27824,4,I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat... My friend is already on Stage 4 +27825,1,Do you know why smart people are annoying lovers? Because summa them cum laude-ly +27826,0,Why haven't eunuchs been complaining about the use of balls to describe manliness? Cause they don't have the balls to do anything about it +27827,1,Why was Harry Potter scratching himself with a pound coin? He had quid-itch. +27828,0,"How many firefighters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it took three to get it back out " +27829,3,"How many doors are on a chicken coop? Two. If there were four, it would be a chicken sedan" +27830,2,Why did the electrician become a news anchor? He's always had a knack for current events. +27831,4,Guys I created a new word Its called plagiarism +27832,0,Funniest joke in Avengers Infinity War Wakanda forever! +27833,7,"A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,""Are you single?"" I Happily I replied,"" Yes...."" She took away the extra chair in front of me." +27834,0,"I'm 12... There was this nice looking girl. One day, she was at a store. A group of guys came up to her and asked what her name was? She responded with ""I'm Twelve."" The guys started awkwardly laughing and teasing each other about it, but the thing was she wasn't talking about her age...but her name. ;) " +27835,2,I put my root beer into a square cup Now it's just beer +27836,5,"A man walked into a resort and the first sign he saw said “Lool Area” He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."" The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”" +27837,3,My girlfriend just broke up with me.. so now I'm alone with just my wife and 2 children +27838,0,A Bee has recently died working for the CIA It was in a sting operation +27839,2,"Doubting wife! My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house. Well, she's in for a shock! " +27840,7,My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want. +27841,1,What did the policeman say to his stomach? You’re under a vest +27842,0,"A blind man brings his seeing-eye dog into a grocery store He gets to the middle of the store, picks his dog up by the tail, and starts swinging it round and round. The manager of the store come sup to the man and politely asks him to stop, as the screaming dog is scaring some of the customers. The blind man replies, ""I'm terribly sorry sir, I'm only looking around.""" +27843,7,"A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend... At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. ""Dad!"" she exclaimed in a panic ""...I'm sorry"" The dad being a dad replies ""hi sorry, I'm Dad!"" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks ""Are you fucking sorry?""" +27844,0,Why are perfect fifths now considered politically incorrect? Because the overtone window shifted. +27845,3,"Why did the president and his entourage drown? ""Fake canoes.""" +27846,9,Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room. +27847,0,"It is hard to communicate with people from a different educational background. That’s a truth, especially if you are couples. I’ll show you a few traits of how people with the low educational level act. They can’t express themselves clearly. What they’re trying to say is always so vague and hard to understand. It’s like they don’t even have the vocabulary to talk about how they are feeling. They are moody. One moment they are cheerful, the next they are crying and nagging for no reason. They can only solve problems by crying and screaming. The worst thing is that they act like this even in public because they just don’t give a shit. They are stubborn. They refuse to accept people’s word. They simply dismiss logic and completely ignore what people say. This is a nightmare when combined with the above one. They have quite short attention spans. They are enthusiastic in the beginning, but give up easily when facing obstacles. They ask you to buy something for them only because they want it, but end up discarding it after using only a few times. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, and I learned all these from my girlfriend. That being said, I still think she’s adorable. So maybe we should treat our girls with more patience. Hopefully, she will behave more mature after she enters grade school." +27848,6,I got a hand job from Albert Einstein the other day... It was a stroke of genius +27849,3,"My Husband Wants a Threesome ""I dont approve of having a threesome"" ""We've been together for 8 years! Why can't we spice things up?"" ""A threesome will ruin are marriage and I will just be jealous."" ""There's no reason to be jealous! It won't mean anything and I'll wear a condom."" ""I said no! I can't stand the thought of you having sex with other people. Also, we are both straight and threesomes are gay."" ""What?? Is it gay because we are two mature adults who can handle opening up to new sexual adventures?"" ""No. It's gay because you're having sex with two men.""" +27850,2,"Trump, Saudi King & Putin find a Lamp on a golf course. During a world leaders meeting President Trump, The Saudi King and Vladimir Putin take time out to go for a stroll to examine the resorts golf course and settle their differences. Whilst over the green on the 1st hole President Trump and Putin get into a heated argument. The Saudi King takes a step back and trips over unearthing a metal lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. Putin and Trump stop arguing immediately whilst in awe of the spectacular beast. The Genie: Tells the Saudi King you’ve got “three wis..”..“Stop right there!” says Trump! Trump: “This has to be the worse deal in the history of deals,...we were also a part of finding you here okay...so we should get a wish each!” All parties agree on something for the first time and each get a wish. The Saudi King goes first, and says “Oh Genie for years I’ve been getting sand in everything. It’s in my underwear, my cars, my hotels, my planes. All I’ve wanted was to have a safe, fruitful and bountiful country with green grass and clean water and no sand....Say no more, says the Genie. **snap of the fingers** It’s done. The U.A.E becomes a peaceful country, with green grass, fruit trees and waterfalls. Vladimir Putin says, “Genie I’d like to wi.. ..”..”Wait!” Scream’s Trump “I’m going next!” Catching onto a good idea after the Saudi Kings wish. Trump: “Genie, I want everything that Saudi King just wished for, plus...I want all their Oil...and...Gold AND... since those lazy Mexicans won’t build my wall, I want a 150foot high wall. I want it to be made from indestructible concrete surrounding my entire country. I want not so much as an ant to be able to get in or out...Okay!” Say no more, says the Genie. **snap of the fingers** It’s done. The U.S becomes economically independent, with an impenetrable fortress wall surrounding every inch. Geanie: ..and you Mr. Putin,....what can I do for you? Putin: You see that wall? **pointing to the U.S**.....Fill the cunt up with water!! Edited: For the spelling police." +27851,1,Broken pencils... Are pointless. +27852,4,"A young Jew wants to get married... ...but he has a major dilemma, so he goes to see a wise rabbi. 'Rabbi! I'd like to get married, but tell me: what should I do? Should I marry a super hot girl who'll cheat on me every other month or an ugly one who I know will only be mine?' To which the rabbi replies: 'Well, son, you have to decide what's the better option: share a cake with your friends or eat a load of shit alone?'" +27853,4,"Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance. " +27854,1,"Another horse walks into a bar The barman says ""why the long face?"" and the horse replies ""because my entire family were killed and served to customers in Subway." +27855,5,When does a joke become a Dad joke? When the punch line becomes *apparent.* My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it... +27856,0,I had 5 E's last night Shittiest scrabble hand I've ever had. +27857,6,China has been the most important country for American schools. Because they invented both paper and gunpowder. +27858,1,My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony... ...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out. +27859,8,"Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”" +27860,0,What did the man tell Jesus when he found him on the streets begging? You're a messiah? +27861,1,What's a hacker's favourite brand of sportswear? A D-DOS. +27862,6,"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end you ignore it all and just click ""I agree""" +27863,0,What does Trump call his immigration plan? Order 66. +27864,1,"A man says to his wife... ...""I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time"" to which she responds with confidence, ""You have a bigger penis than all your friends""." +27865,0,Brexit EU now has 1 GB of free space!! +27866,3,"Has anyone heard of the movie where the guy dies with a boner? You know, Die Hard?" +27867,0,"3 men are walking in the desert... After a long while they come across a goat farm, on the farm lives a man and his 2 lovely daughters, one with beautiful eyes and the other with beautiful hair. The man tells the men that only 2 of them can stay in the house, while the third will have to stay in the barn. After a bit of argument one man finally relents and heads off to sleep in the barn. That night the other 2 men get close to the farmers daughter, and when he falls asleep they make love to them. However the next morning the women are feeling quite sick and the men are worried they may be pregnant. They head outside and begin to talk and start to come around to the idea. The first man says ""She may be pregnant, but at least my child will have beautiful eyes"" the other man agrees and says ""She may be pregnant, but at least my child will have beautiful hair"" Just than the third having heard their conversation comes out of the barn and adds ""Well if that's the case than my kid will have a great beard""" +27868,0,Weirdest Flex Sometimes I pronounce L's just to flex on Asians. +27869,1,I ground up the stems of some plants to spray all over the lisp convention next week. They're gonna be pithed. +27870,0,What do you call a girl who's totally out of this world? Jupita +27871,2,What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full +27872,1,Did you hear about the guy that killed his best friend? It was a homie-cide. +27873,0,"Robin Hood is brought before King Richard. King Richard, who is sympathetic to Robin Hood, explains that his nobles are not. He asks Robin Hood to stop redistributing wealth. The king: “I will even give you a prominent place on my royal guard if you stop.” Robin Hood: “I’m sorry, my lord, but i can’t” The king: (beginning to get angry.) “HOW DARE you defy me??? Do you know what i can do to you?? Do you know who I am??” Robin Hood: “well yeah, everyone knows who YOU are, Rich.”" +27874,1,I wish I had emo hair So it would cut its self +27875,2,For those of you wondering what it’s like to be in a relationship. I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having. +27876,0,What will Lady Gaga call her baby. Baby Gaga. +27877,2,Where do fish go to withdraw money The Loan shark +27878,0,"Golf genie In this tall tale reminiscent of the 1001 Arabian Nights, Across the seven Seas and the seven Mountains and the seven Rivers; We find a typical suburban couple playing golf. The man is teaching his wife to play golf, and she pulls off a very powerful shot, however, in the completely unintended direction, straight into the small grove surrounding a lone mansion. In horror they watch as the ball smashes right through a window! The man goes pale, realizing that he has all his golf balls sharpied with his full name for easy recognition. They rush over hoping they can retrieve it before anyone sees them. As they approach the large open floor deck and now shattered massive window leading into the slightly darkened living room. Creeping inside and listening out to any indication that the owner is around they look for the ball inside. Suddenly they notice it sitting on the floor next to a broken, VERY expensive and very old looking ceramic Urn. As the man bends down to pick up golf ball responsible; he finally notices a figure reclining in the chair nearby. The other man sitting there is large, muscular, with dark, Mediterranean or even Egyptian complexion and chiseled features. He is oiled up and completely nude! He is not even bothering to cover up. With a deep and gruff heavily accented voice he speaks: "" I thank you for freeing me from my prison, mortal! I have been trapped in that urn for over thousand years, for finally releasing me I shall grant you any wish you desire. Your wish is my command!"" The man and his wife sigh with relief and quickly discuss what they should ask for, finally they ask: ""Please Genie, We want to be super rich like just like owner of this place, to have a mansion just like this, with vault full of gold and diamonds!"" The Genie nods, and says ""So it shall be done, go to sleep tonight, and tomorrow you shall wake up in your new life. But now I must ask you for a yet another favor, you have given me freedom, but I have been so alone inside the urn for so long, I wish to lay with your wife, as I must regain my power to perform this magic."" The man instantly agrees, even the wife is not against the idea, the genie is rather godlike in his form... The man sits in the lounge dreaming of all the cool stuff he will be buying tomorrow, trying to ignore the thumping noise and screams of carnal pleasures coming from upstairs, a small price for such riches -he reasons. The sweat drenched Genie, comes down several hours later, and asks: ""Tell me by the way, how old are you?"" ""33"" the man answers. ""And you still believe in fairy tales?""" +27879,2,Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died. It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish. +27880,1,What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't make an enzyme... +27881,1,So you're telling me you don't like foreplay... but you let your dishes soak for days before finally doing them? +27882,5,How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this. Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots. +27883,3,"Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back ! A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad: ""***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"" He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see with my female colleague. So the guy, curious, enters a large meeting room with a large meeting table. At the opposite side there is a really cute girl, wonderfull curves, smiling and looking at him. She says: ""**My name is Emily, if you catch me, you can fuck me !**"". Not losing one second the guy starts running but his suit and his shoes are not ment for jogging so he has a hard time following her arround the room. After 1 hour she leaves the room all sweaty and exausted. The day after he is back: this time he is dressed as a real jogger. The receptionist shows him another room, and when he enters is sees an even larger room, and larger meeting table with a girl on the other side. She is PERFECT compared to the previous one. She says: ""**My name is Mandy, if you catch me you can hump me !**"" Then she starts running. The guy almost managed to catch her, he was THIS close at the end of the hour. The third day the receptionist shows him yet another room, when he enters he sees a tiny room with a tiny 4 seats table and a big muscular black guy, a giant of his kind. The black guys says then: ""My name is Mamadoo, if i catch you, i will fuck you !""" +27884,2,"Two cannibals were eating a clown. One asked the other ""Does this taste funny to you?""" +27885,1,"Two gay men are having sex when a fire breaks out in their apartment. Who gets out first, the top or the bottom? The bottom-- he already has his shit packed." +27886,3,What is it called when you screw a girl that's had 10 abortions. A graveyard smash. +27887,1,"What do people say when Elon Musk says ,""I'm going to the gym.""? Musk-u-liar" +27888,5,"One guy sees a beautiful Nun on a bus He says to her ""Hey little girl, wanna have sex"" The Nun turned around her face fuming. ""Who do you think you are! I am God's servant!"" Once the bus stopped the nun ran out of the bus, still fuming. The bus driver heard all of this and called the guy over to him. ""Hey that nun goes to the graveyard every Wednesday night to pray. You should go there and pretend to be God, by throwing a pure white blanket over her while holding a light, and tell her that she will be the next Mother Mary and trick her into having sex. So the guy goes to the graveyard dressed up as God, low and behold, there was that nun sitting by a grave and praying. He throws the blanket over her to simulate being in heaven. He then proceeds to tell her. ""This world has gone into disarray, with so many terrible things people are doing in this world! I have chosen to create a new Jesus for this earth, and you shall be the new Mother Mary, the vessel for the savior of the world."" The nun nodded her head and then said ""My Father I know you are so powerful and mighty, surely you can start a new Christ from only having anal sex with me"" The guy agrees to this and they then proceed to have a vigorous session of hardcore anal sex. After they finished the guy throws off the blanket and yells ""Ha, I'm not God! I was the guy on the bus!"" The nun then gets up and says ""Ha I was the bus driver!' ​" +27889,2,I miss Vine Said Tarzan as he fell to the ground. +27890,2,Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home +27891,1,What do you call chesse that isn't yours? Stolen. +27892,0,What's a priest's favourite meat? Nun. What's a nun's favourite meat? Priest. +27893,0,"I was at the job interview today and my interviewer told me I was a bit old-fashioned for his company. On the other hand, he did like my tunic and fedora." +27894,1,"Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony? When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had ""To NY"" on their hats." +27895,1,What do muslims color with? Qurayons +27896,2,What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in North Korea? B-52! B-52! +27897,0,When vultures fly... ... do they take carrion luggage? +27898,0,Why are craters a thing? Because angry Chuck Norris punches ground +27899,0,What do you call a cop eating bacon? A cannibal. +27900,1,What part of a police car sounds disappointed? The sighren. +27901,1,Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose +27902,1,My das used to work on a calendar factory but they fired him. He took a day off. +27903,0,What do you call a girl who turns into a princess only until midnight on Passover? Mozarella. +27904,1,Are you one of the classic blunders? Cause I've fallen for you +27905,1,"An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger. He says ""ok, hamburger."" The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,""Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!"" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts." +27906,0,"War: As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, ""Who are all those cheering people?"" The veteran answered, ""They're the ones who aren't going.""" +27907,0,"I can't figure out why my girlfriend slammed the door and left all pissed off, this morning. All I said was, it got really cold last night, and there was a layer of hoarfrost on her car." +27908,7,"A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich They sit down and order: 'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?' 'The same', says the ostrich. A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill. '$6.40,' she says. The man takes out the exact amount from his pocket without even counting the money and hands it to the waitress. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, ask for the same food and the man pays with the exact amount. And the same routine takes place for the next couple of days. On a Friday night, the man and the ostrich turn up again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, today's Friday, I'd like a steak and some crushed potatoes,' says the man, then he turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?' 'The same,' replies the bird. After a few minutes, the waitress comes back with the order and the bill. '$32.50' The man, yet again, takes out the exact amount of money without counting it. The waitress can't help herself at this point and asks: 'Excuse me sir, but please tell me... how come you always have the exact amount?' 'Years ago, I cleaned up my attic and found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He promised me two wishes. My first wish was to have the exact amount of money in my pockets whenever I had to pay for something.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Others would've asked for a million dollars, but you'll stay rich till the end of your life.' 'Indeed,' nods the man. 'It doesn't matter whether I want to buy a bottle of beer or a Rolls Royce, the money will always be there when I need it.' 'Can I also ask why this ostrich is always with you?' 'Well, my second wish was to get a very tall chick with nice strong legs who agrees with everything I say...'" +27909,3,Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone? Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive. +27910,0,"I was soon to become the new priest at a church in Liverpool... I was soon to become the new priest at a church in Liverpool and was being taken around by the then priest. He explained to me that it was quite rough area and proceeded to give me a few pointers as to how to keep everything in check. There was particular problem with thieves in the area and priests assured me that anything I didn't nail down would be stolen. To this I replied ""Jesus will be alright then"" " +27911,0,What's Trump's favorite type of nut? A walnut. +27912,0,"A man goes to his doctors who is partially deaf. Man: ""Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a volt!"" Doctor: ""You feel like a watt?""" +27913,1,What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job fucking sucks +27914,0,Hooked up with a zombie chick at a Halloween party... Took her home... Was all stoked... Got her in bed... Turns out she was just another dead fuck... +27915,2,Are you a beaver? ...'cuz damn. +27916,1,What did the Asain gentleman say to the 7 ft Jazz player? Utah +27917,3,"In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: ""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded: ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."" The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: ""Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"" She again replied: ""Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him"". The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said: ""If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.""" +27918,0,"What did the blind, deaf, orphan with no friends get for Christmas? Cancer. " +27919,0,"My new year's resolution. My new year's resolution is 1280x800, but that is because I have a small laptop." +27920,4,What did a kid with no hands get for christmas? Mittens! Just kidding he's still trying to open it +27921,3,"The Old Arab and FBI An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: ""Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. ""Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed.""" +27922,3,"A Texan walks into an Irish pub. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.""" +27923,1,"The vulture dragged a dead goat onto the plane. Don't worry, he said to the attendant. It's just my carrion." +27924,1,"Traditionally, orthopedic surgeons were strong and dumb. But now they have power tools." +27925,1,What do you call it when you confuse a ghost? Discombo-boo-lation. +27926,4,"Threesome? A guy in his mid twenties is in a bar when he notices an atractive milf. He decides to try his luck and goes over to talk with her. She seems interested and after a few drinks she asks him if he has ever considered taking part in a mother / daughter threesome. Seeing as the milf is so attractive he figures why not? Surely with such an attractive milf the daughter must be attractive as well. They get a cab to her house and as she unlocks the door she shouts; ""Mom, put in your teeth, we have a guest!""" +27927,4,"Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things. My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is." +27928,2,I really liked this cashier chick.. But I couldn't teller +27929,0,What did the lone ranger say after 40 days in the saddle? RAAAWWW-HIIIDDDEEE! +27930,0,"Before the annual cattle fest, I fed the cows some 'quality grass' The steaks have never been higher" +27931,0,"What did Sam say to the young Americans? ""Guess where this finger's going.""" +27932,2,The shortest person I've ever met was the divorced mother of a physicist She was a single μm +27933,4,What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood? Tastes like ass. +27934,1,A lot of parents don't know that there is another way to entertain children rather than by giving them an iPad. By giving them an Android tablet! +27935,0,Jesus walks into a bar and starts swearing at Jose for not putting a red flag on it. +27936,2,"A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. ""You owe me money,"" she says. ""For what?"" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, ""I'm a prostitute."" The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: ""Prostitute: Has sex for money."" The panda says, ""I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."" She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up ""panda"" in the dictionary, and it reads, ""Panda: Eats bush and leaves." +27937,0,When it comes to sex I'm a bit of a romantic... I only masturbate to the thought of fucking girls in the missionary position. +27938,2,Whoever said Obama never created any jobs... Obviously has never heard of Isis +27939,0,What do you call a Jewish girl's best friend? A diary +27940,0,"Bathroom Humor If you're North American in the kitchen, and you're Asian in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? You're-a-peein'" +27941,0,What does it take to please a woman 3.4 inches Doesn't matter if it's a visa or master card +27942,1,What do you call it when a robot hits puberty? - Nuts and bolts. +27943,1,I was so excited. My wife said she wanted to live the life of “50 Shades of Grey”... Then she stopped dyeing her hair. +27944,2,If I had a nickle for every gender I'd identify as a millionaire +27945,0,I took my girlfriend out to the ice cream store... She got too excited when we got there and fell in to the gelato tub. Now she is a sore bae :) +27946,0,Sound travels faster light... Because you can hear the BMW drivers horn before you see the traffic light turn green. +27947,0,Singin' Don't Worry 'Bout a Thing Cos every little thing is gonna be alt-right. +27948,2,Well you know what they say about history. Those who don't learn from history: Those who don't learn from history. +27949,1,"What’s the difference between “Scooby-Doo!” and Hallmark movies? One has two-dimensional characters, formulaic plots, and most of the bad guys are trying to sell some piece of land, and the other has a talking dog in it." +27950,2,Why do they use powdered soap in the navy? Because it takes longer to pick up. +27951,2,What’s the best resolution for the new year? 4K. +27952,0,"I asked if she was game.. She said ""Yes!"" So I shot her." +27953,1,Don't let go of your dreams Press snooze +27954,3,What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees +27955,0,Donald's New Blue and White Striped Tie is Truly Awesome! Typical New York Times headline once Donald buys the newspaper. I am sure we can come up with a few more...buh-lieve me. +27956,0,I like my coffee like I like my women From Kenya and tastes like warm diarrhea. +27957,0,A man is kicked off a plane for playing online games. He was simply trying to have fun above all. +27958,1,"I had the term ""apropos of nothing"" stuck in my head and I didn't know what it meant. Apparently it wasn't relevant." +27959,7,"A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe.... They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.” " +27960,0,Why shouldn’t you wear Russian Y-fronts? Because chernobyl fall out +27961,4,"A man walks into a bar The bartender asks “why the long face?” The man replies “I just found out that my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.” The bar tender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.” The man asks “well what would you do in my situation?” The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “if I found out that a guy is sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I would kill the guy.” A couple of hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks into the bar with a smile on his face. “Did you kill the guy?” the bartender asks nervously “Nope!” I slept with your wife. Whisky please”" +27962,1,Why can't men give birth? There's not enough womb! +27963,0,A teen cousin of mine asked me... Him : What do you do for a living? Me : I am a Penetration Tester. Him : You watch people having sex? Gross! I quit my job the next day. +27964,5,"My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today. So, that was a tense couple of years for me." +27965,1,"Airport security Recently at the L.A. airport they searched Lady Gaga for three hours. As she was getting OFF the plane! What bugged her most was, six of the guards were from another airport." +27966,0,Dr. asked What was the last thing you remember? slapped him +27967,0,"Once upon a time, there was an ignorant princess.. the princess was locked up in a dungeon for years. Then finally came the time she got the chance to escape. The first thing came to her mind was to return to the castle. As soon as she stepped out of the dungeon, she met a creature she did not recognize, but still she asked, ""Mister, which way to the castle?"". The creature introduced itself and said, ""I am a rat and I know a way to the castle. Would you really like to know?"". The girl exclaimed, ""Why yes please!"". The rat replied, ""You have to suck my dick first."" And so she did, hoping to get home asap. The rat pointed the direction as promised. Then the princess met another creature. ""Mister, which way to the castle?"". ""I am a lion and I know the way to the castle. Would you like to know?"". ""Yes please!"". ""Suck my dick and I'll tell you."" And so she did, longing for home. The lion pointed the direction. There she saw another creature. It's a big brown kurkarukar." +27968,3,"A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband. Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie. Husband: that's very nice of you. But why? Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite. Husband: oh, thank you my love. Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed and have sex. The husband thinks for a moment..., then he says: mary, what happened to the car?" +27969,2,"Death at the Guinness Brewery Pat O’ Hara and Sean O’Toole lived next door to each other in Dublin. They worked the graveyard shift at the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate together for 20 years. Every evening they would leave for work together at 11:30 pm and every morning they would return from work at 8:30 am. One morning after returning from work Sean knocked on the front door of Pat O’ Hara’s house. Mrs. O’ Hara opened the door. Sean: “Mrs. O’Hara, there has been a tragic accident at the brewery.” Mrs. O’Hara: “Oh my God, please tell me my Pat is ok.” Sean: “ I’m sorry to tell you Mrs. O’Hara that Pat has been killed in a horrible accident at the brewery.” Mrs. O’Hara: “Oh, Sweet Jaysus, what happened?” Sean: “Well, poor Patrick was cleaning the top of a giant vat of Guinness when he fell in and drowned.” Mrs. O’Hara: “Please tell me that he met his end quickly and didn’t suffer.” Sean: “Apparently he lasted 5 hours before finally passing away.” Mrs. O’ Hara: “How could it have taken my dear Pat 5 hours to drown?” Sean: “Well, you see Mrs. O’Hara, eye witnesses said Pat had to climb out of the vat 6 times to take a pee.”" +27970,1,"Won't happen again. As the father of my girlfriend furiously yelled at my face for taking her virginity he asked me ""What do you have to say?"", i responded ""I'm sorry i'll make sure it won't ever happen again.""" +27971,0,I like my coffee like I like my women. No penis +27972,0,How did the Samuel L. Jackson chicken get to the other side? It crossed the MOTHER FUCKING road. +27973,1,If I were any more attractive I would be much less competent. +27974,4,"Two hunters are sitting in a deer stand. The first one excitedly tells his buddy about the new binoculars he just bought ""The image on these is razor-sharp. You can even see my house from here. Take a look!"" The second one takes a look and casually asks ""What would you do if your wife cheated on you with your best friend?"" ""Well first I would shoot her in the head and then I'd shoot his dick off."" ""Take aim then, you might be able to do it with a single shot right now.""" +27975,10,3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter. +27976,1,What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam? A sister-in-law +27977,0,"A young boy is bathing with his mother He says: ""Mommy, what is that big wound between your legs?"" Mommy replies: ""Your father did that to me son. He hit me with a big axe!"" The boy says: ""Wow, he got you right in the cunt!""" +27978,4,Did you know there was a nerve that connected your asshole to your eye? Don't believe me? Pull a hair out of your asshole and tell me that don't bring a tear to your eye :) +27979,1,"So Superman is flying over metropolis... when he looks down and spots Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on a roof top. He thinks to himself 'well I'm faster than a speeding bullet I can swoop down and smash that wonder pussy and fly away so fast she won't know what hit her'. So he flys down super quick and pumps the pussy and flys away. Wonder Woman sits up and says ""What was that?!"" And the invisible man rolls off top of her and says "" I'm not sure but damn my asshole is sore!""" +27980,0,"A man had a a fire in his house... He got out the first time with his Son. Then he returned and got out again with his daughter. Then he returned the second time with his wife. Then he returned the third and the fourth time without anyone. People asked him : ""What were doing?"" He replied : ""I was flipping my mother-in-law on her back and chest. Anyone got BBQ sauce?""" +27981,1,Why do melon relationships always end in heartbreak? Because they can’t elope. +27982,0,What do you call an IT professor who touches up his kids? A PDF ile +27983,2,I experienced a virtual rollercoaster while eating an apple. Shook me to the core. +27984,2,"When Borris Johnson and Donald Trump have sex, who’s on top? Vladimir Putin" +27985,2,Sinks can't open doors. Let that sink in. +27986,3,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. +27987,1,What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? America can't milk a cow for 15 years. +27988,1,"How can you tell if a house is built by lesbians? There are no studs, it's all tongue & groove. " +27989,1,Do you know how you call Christian A-Team Amen +27990,0,I just invented a new word. 'Self-Plagiarism' +27991,1,Not sure why but I suddenly came over sleepy the other day Turns out dwarves don't like that kind of thing. +27992,2,"Yo Momma so Redneck, I coulda started this joke with sister,auntie or cousin. " +27993,0,My wife said I was breathtaking in bed. So I removed her oxygen mask. RIP Marie. +27994,0,If you kill a crow with a crowbar... Does it count as murder? +27995,2,E-flat walks into a bar... The bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve minors” +27996,1,ICE Putting the panic in hispanic +27997,2,I like to randomly throw things at ballerinas. Keeps them on their toes. +27998,2,I don’t like jokes about existentialism... ...they don’t have a purpose +27999,2,"A nurse needed to write something down… She reached to her pocket but only found a rectal thermometer. ""Some asshole's got my pen!"" She exclaimed." +28000,4,What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! +28001,1,"The Master Once upon a time there was a Great War. The King was worried as he was losing battle after battle. His soldiers had lost their morale and were not interested in fighting as there was no action for a very long time and were spending most of their time with women. And when the actual battle starts they were late and tired and were easily defeated. The king asked his wise ministers for advise and they sent envoys to all the villages and towns and cities for someone who can help them. No one knew what to do. No one was experienced in leading an army. The general was also clueless. One fine day, there was a knock on the palace doors and there was a kid who claimed he can help. The king was at the end of his ideas and decided to let the kid handle the situation. The kid requested to train the solders privately. The king obeyed. After sometime. There was time for battle and the soldiers were more than ready. And they actually started to give a good fight. The kid continued to train batches after batches of soldiers and they started to win battles after battles and finally the Great War was won. The king in the victory ceremony granted the kid his wishes. Before the kid was about to leave. The king asked. “I’m sorry but what is your name?” The kid replied “I’m Master Bator”. " +28002,3,i would fuck you in the ear but you'd hear me coming +28003,2,"Roses are red, violets are blue I have schizophrenia, And so do I. " +28004,0,An eating contest that has no end is a pie eating contest +28005,6,"Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized" +28006,3,"How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other? ""Aloha Akbar!""" +28007,1,What did the sun name his son? Ray +28008,1,The midget circus was cancelled Short staffed. +28009,2,Why did Harry Potter suddenly go bald in his teens? He lost his Hedwig +28010,0,"A man gave peanuts to a 5-year-old on Halloween. The kid said, ""why did you take the chocolate off of these m&m's?""" +28011,1,"What did the penny stockholder sing at the campfire? 12.8 billion shares on the wall 12.8 billion shares... you take 300 million down, you pass them around, 12.8 billion shares on the wall! (Triple checked for typos, all good)" +28012,5,My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today. I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off. +28013,2,"Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician." +28014,0,What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest? A mechanic waits till you’ve grown up to fuck you +28015,1,What do you call a friend who's smarter than you? Bud-Wiser!! What do you call a friend who's dumber than you? Four Loko !! +28016,0,"I saw a wino eating a bunch of grapes I said ""You gotta wait!"" I miss you Mitch Hedberg" +28017,0,How do you call a volcano? Fountain mountain +28018,0,Did you hear the Pillsbury Doughboy and one of the Cabbage Patch Kids had a baby? It was an ugly little fucker with a yeast infection. +28019,2,What does a gynecologist and a SAT exam taker have in common? They both check boxes. +28020,1,What do you get if you drop your steak? Ground beef. +28021,3,What did the lightbulb say to the other lightbulb? Watt up +28022,1,"Jesus said to Peter ""come forth and I shall grant you eternal glory"" But Peter came fifth and won a toaster" +28023,3,Why does Michael Jackson shop at k-mart. Because little boys pants are half-off. Sorry I know this joke is too old to be one of his victims and I know it is bad taste to make fun of the dead. RIP K-Mart you will be missed. +28024,3,I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing. +28025,0,Donald Trump is a YUGE Job Creator Because of him his lawyers need lawyers +28026,3,"A man goes to Hollywood to become a star He records a demo reel of his best work and brings it to an agent. The agent says ""this is some of the best stuff I have ever seen! Stand up, TV, plays, movies, LPs.... you have the talent to do it all! You're gonna be a star!"" ""I was hoping you would say that!"" said the man excitedly"". ""There's just one problem"" said the agent. ""Oh no.... what is it?"" ""You're name. Hollywood is going to hate it."" ""I understand. I'll do what I have to do."" ""OK,"" says the agent. ""Instead of Penis Van Lesbian let's use Dick Van Dyke!"" RIP Jerry. You will be missed!" +28027,1,Why couldn't the 3 speed mixer get auto insurance? He was high whisk. +28028,3,"How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black." +28029,2,I have good jokes about unemployed people But none of them work +28030,1,Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella Fohdrizzle +28031,0,Where do you find panthers and cougars? You find panthers in movies and cartoons and cougars in clubs. +28032,3,"If time is relative... ... can a joke about Hawking dying be ""too soon""?" +28033,0,Why do people like orgies? For a change of peenery +28034,0,My middle name is Easton. But i'm not a muslim. +28035,0,"Every time I tell the joke about my penis, people miss it. It's pretty short. " +28036,0,"My ex talked me into marriage I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife" +28037,1,What do you call a Spanish streaker señor willy +28038,1,"This one goes back to the 1950s. Originally heard it from an old joke book I found at my grandma's house. It was little Billy's first day at kindergarten. The teacher asked the class ""Does anyone know how to count to ten?"" A few kids tried but got lost along the way. The teacher was about to move on when little Billy raised his hand timidly. ""My daddy is a rocket scientist and I know how to count to ten."" ""Ok, that's nice, Billy. Why don't you show us."" ""Ok. Ten..."" ""Nine..."" ""Eight..."" ""Seven..."" ""Six..."" ""Five..."" ""Four..."" ""Three..."" ""Two..."" ""One..."" . . . . ""FUCK!!!""" +28039,1,"A father is in hospital after his wife and kids had horrible car crash He sees the surgeon walk out of the door, covered in blood with worried face, he sprints to ask him how did everything went. Surgeon looks at him and says ""well, do you remember how Alice, your beautifull daughter wanted to do modeling?"" - ""Yes doctor i do, what happened!?"" instantly replies dad, "" well the pieces of glass cut up her face real bad.. She wont ever do modeling"" Dad gets more and more sad by the second. ""WELL WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?!"" he screams at the doctor, ""Well, your wifes legs got all mangled and she will never walk"" ""Oh god"" dad starts weeping. ""Well and what about madison, what is with her"", ""Well she was the smart one right? A piece of metal slapped her and shes completly retarded now"" Dad kneels before the doctor and cries and cries, doctor starts laughting his ass off and looks at the dad with ""I was joking"", dads eyes start to shine as he believes everything is gonna be ok and at that point doctor finishes the sentance- ""I was joking... they are all dead"" and walks away. Dont crucify me, if the joke was posted already, which it probably was, plus it sounds so much beter when you hear it. " +28040,1,What's the worst part about eating your vegetables? Putting them back in the wheel chair. +28041,5,What's the difference between pink and purple? Grip. +28042,3,"If you were in a room with Hillary and Trump A news reporter was looking for everyday people to voice their opinion on the election of 2016. A man volunteers to be interviewed by the reporter. Reporter: ""Who do you support in this year's election?"" Man: ""That's a rather difficult question to answer, they're both morons."" Reporter: ""Let's put it this way, if you were in a room with Hillary and Trump, with a gun that only has one bullet who would you shoot?"" Man: ""Myself.""" +28043,1,"An Army soldier and a Marine are pissing at urinals next to one another. When the Army soldier finishes he zips up and heads towards the door. The Marine says, ""in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."" As the Army soldier reaches for the door, he turns over his shoulder and says, ""in the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands.""" +28044,1,How does the carpenter like having sex? He likes it roof. +28045,0,My pants so baggy... I get a nickel every time I walk into the grocery store. +28046,2,Just saw a repost of my repost with more upvotes I guess you could say that’s karma +28047,0,Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they would fall in the boat. +28048,1,"What did the fly say when flew through a cloud of weed smoke? ""oh shit, now I'm buzzin""" +28049,2,9 of 10 doctors agree good things come to those who wait The 10th doctor needs more patients though. +28050,3,Did you hear about the Gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. +28051,0,"Hey girl, what's your sine? Is it π/2 because you are the one. (oc) " +28052,0,How many bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Tree. +28053,2,"What is a computer programmer’s favorite book? A dictionary, because it defines variables" +28054,1,You guys know why I don't drink fancy coffees? cos they cost a latte. +28055,1,Why do hipsters like to meet and trade shoes? Because they enjoy conversing. +28056,1,"How many ""friend-zoned"" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it wont screw." +28057,1,"A blue man lives in a blue house, A red man lives in a red house, and a black man lives in a black house. Who lives in the white house? An orange man." +28058,2,What breed will Donald Trumps dog be if he wins the election? A Border Collie +28059,0,What do you call a fly with two equal sides? A Drosopheles Triangle +28060,7,"A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”" +28061,0,What is it called when two Rappers Get in a Rap Battle in Beijing? Beijing Beef +28062,0,"Light Matters Once, there was a freshman who worked in the student lounge of his college's physics building during lunch. He planned to major in physics and liked to be near the offices of the physics professors while he worked. Though most of the professors ate lunch at the campus cafeteria, there were a still several who had lunch in their offices. One of the professors who had lunch in her office used the sink in the student lounge to wash her hands before eating. In the interest of saving money and energy, the college had mounted a motion sensor in the corner of the lounge. If it didn't detect any movement over a certain peroid of time, it would turn off the lights. If it did pick up movement, it would turn them back on. Most times, when the lounge was used, there were many professors and students ambling about, so the motion detector had little effect on what transpired. But when the student came in to work, he would turn on the light, sit down at the computer, and sure enough, after a couple minutes, the motion detector would switch off the lights. And when the professor came in to wash her hands, the detector would switch them back on--only to switch them off shortly after she went back to her office. The student was annoyed that the light didn't just stay on and so, since he didn't mind working in the dark, one day didn't bother to turn on the lights when he walked in. By now, the professor had come to expect to the lights to click on when she entered the lounge. So when they didn't, she turned to the student and, understanding the importance of having a well-lit workspace, said: ""You know, light matters."" This reminded the student of a debate he overheard between some of the other professors, and, without missing a beat, replied: ""Well, I don't know about that, professor. I've heard some people around here say, 'light waves.' """ +28063,1,"Blessed is he, whose mind is clean. He removed my blouse I kept quiet He removed my bra I kept quiet He removed my skirt I kept quiet He removed my underwear I kept quiet Then carefully he removed my panties Then, I shouted: Bill! Is that space not enough for you to hang your clothes? Must you remove all my clothes from the WASHING LINE? " +28064,1,What kind of shorts to clouds wear? Thunderwear. +28065,0,Had the best bowl of soup at an Oasis concert.. ..you got a roll with it. +28066,0,Why does Manny Pacquiao hate spring? Because it has May weather in it. +28067,4,"For sale: French Rifle Condition: never fired, dropped once." +28068,3,The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's a seasoned veteran +28069,1,"The old rooster. An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. ""So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."" Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. ""You're on,"" he said, ""and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. ""Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.""" +28070,0,Why was Six pissed at Seven? Six was pissed at seven because seven ate nine and six and nine had a pretty good thing going. +28071,6,"The Fart Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again. Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, ""Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"" Dr. Epstein replied, ""Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."" ""Why haven't you visited?"" asked the desk clerk. ""I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."" The clerk consoled him. ""Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."" Dr. Epstein replied, ""Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."" ""Was it a long time ago?"" ""Yes, many years."" The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"" " +28072,0,Why did the cat go on a hunt with the other cats? Because of purr pressure. +28073,4,Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population? It’s called Chirpies. What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s... untweetable. +28074,1,I've got a really lucky hand... I let it touch my penis every night +28075,0,"I got some Thai food the other day. It was super Thaisty, I think I might go back again soon." +28076,2,When you build a bike with old parts Is it called Recycling? +28077,1,"A doctor is hosting a party when suddenly his sink stops working. He calls a plumber. After the plumber is finished with his work, he hands the doctor a bill. ""This is crazy,"" says the doctor. ""Not even I make this much!"" The plumber says, ""Neither did I when I was a doctor.""" +28078,2,"A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink... When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, ""Bartender, how much do I owe you?"" The bartender replies, ""For you, neutron, no charge.""" +28079,1,"What starts with ""F"" and ends with ""UCK""? ""Firetruck"" ...What were you thinking? What starts with ""P"" and ends with ""ORN""? ""Popcorn"" ..What were you thinking?" +28080,2,"Typical White Man An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, ""You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"" The cowboy says, ""I want to see my horse."" The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.The Indians look at each other, figuring, ""Typical white man... only think one thing."" The second day, the chief says, ""What wish today?"" The cowboy says, ""I want to see my horse again."" The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, ""Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."" The last day comes, and the chief says, ""This last wish, white man. What want?"" The cowboy says, ""I want to see my horse again."" The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, ""Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!""" +28081,3,"Patient: ""Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."" Doctor: ""I've got some cream for that.""\" +28082,1,What do you call s blind fascist? A not-see +28083,0,"A Nazi walks into a fiber store to gain some fiber. He goes into the store and buys a box of fiber. The second day, he goes into the store again to buy another box of fiber. The third day, he goes inside the store to buy two boxes of fiber. Day four, three boxes. Day five, five boxes. Day six, eight boxes. On day seven, the cashier notices the man's strange pattern of him buying boxes. The cashier says, ""Excuse me, I seem to notice you coming to this store every day. You're recognizable because of that Nazi logo on your shirt..."" He continues, ""Can you tell me why you're buying these boxes in a strange sequence?"" The man looks him dead in the eye and says, ""It's all part of the Fibernazi sequence.""" +28084,3,I accidentally froze myself to -273.15 degrees celsius I'm 0k though +28085,1,"Magiek A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” The guy proceeds to show him: He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building, and returns to his seat. “Amazing! Lemme try some of that,” the man says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, and falls 30 feet to the ground. The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”" +28086,0,NOT POTUS to US The orange insomniac Twitter addict is being inaugurated and will be known to many as P.O.T.U.S. (President of the United States). Many of us don't think that fits him. We will know him as P.O.O.T.T. (Putin's Own Orange Twitter Twit). +28087,0,"A man is staying at the hotel one night with his wife He runs down to the clerk and yells to him “Help! My wife said if I don’t give her everything I have to my name, she will jump out the window!” The clerk looks over to him and says “Sir, I apologize but we don’t get involved in domestic disputes here.” The man looks at the clerk and says “No you don’t understand! I need help opening the window!”" +28088,0,Knock knock. Who’s there? Kim Jong Un Kim Jong Un who? Kim Jong Unother fucking missle silo found in North Korea you banana slug headed lying piece of trash. +28089,0,"I asked for soup at an Italian restaurant, But the bowl they gave me was tiny! I guess they weren't lying when they said it was ministrone." +28090,0,"If God's not real... then why does popcorn burn like hell when I microwave it for 666 seconds? Checkmate, atheists." +28091,1,"18th Green After a long hot day on the golf course. Golfer walks into the 18th green bar and sits at the bar. The beautiful blond bartender says ""hi, what can I get you""? The golfer looks slyly at her and says ""hey, are you the gal I heard about that gives the great hand jobs""? She smiles and winks ""sure am honey"". Well wash your hands really good because I want a sandwich." +28092,2,"What did O say to Q? ""Hey! Put that thing back in your pants!""" +28093,2,"A blind man walks into a Walmart. He grabs his dog and starts swinging him in a circle over his head. One of the Walmart greeters yells at him, What the hell are you doing, can I help you with something? No thanks He say's, I'm just having a look around." +28094,0,What do you call an alcoholic proton? A boozeon +28095,1,Who did King Arthur leave in charge of watching his eight electrons? Sir Valence! +28096,0,"Why is peanut butter a good dancer? It has smooth moves. Thank you, thank you" +28097,5,"I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once. Needless to say, I was shocked." +28098,1,Who do you call when you need a dock fixed? A docktor. +28099,4,"Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman. ""Hey lady, are you about to jump?"" ""Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!"" she replies. ""Well, that's fine,"" he says, ""but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"" ""Eww no, fuck off you creep!"" the woman shouts back. ""Fine,"" the man says. ""I'll just go wait at the bottom."" " +28100,0,What’s Bryan Singer’s favorite movie? Child’s play +28101,1,I meet the wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort. +28102,0,What do you call a pathetic number of chickens? A poultry sum. +28103,1,What do you get when you throw a chicken in a volcano? Baklava +28104,0,Where did king Tut go to masturbate? His Jerkophagus +28105,4,"I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar... So, basically, I would be a politician." +28106,3,"A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. ""What should I pay you?"" the monk asks. ""No price, for a holy man such as yourself,"" the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. ""What shall I pay you, my son?"" ""No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself."" And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. ""What do you want I should pay you?"" ""Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself."" And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis" +28107,1,"Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory. Title: ""The Bourne Approximation""" +28108,3,"A little boy asks his father, ""What is politics?"" A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ""What is politics?"" The dad says, ""Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."" The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ""Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."" The father says, ""Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."" The little boy replies, ""Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.""" +28109,3,Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack Because he only comes once a year +28110,4,"I got a new porno the other day I turned on my tv, popped the disc in and the first thing I saw was some fat guy staring at me holding his dick. Then I realized the tv didn't turn on." +28111,8,"An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow. He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger. ""Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."" ""What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10"" as she points to a sign. ""See?"" The officer chuckles kind-heartedly and responds, ""Ma'am that's the route number, not the speed limit"" The old lady looks embarrassed, but thanks the officer for the correction anyway. He looks over to the sweating passenger and says, ""Is she alright? She's white as a ghost."" She pats her friend on the knee and says, ""Oh she'll be alright soon, sir. We just got off of 195.""" +28112,1,I got attacked by a giant dandelion earlier... So I blew its head off. +28113,1,My wife told me we would have sex tonight. Then I realised it's the 1st of April. +28114,0,I'm going to start planning my work day in Microsoft Minutes... I'll either be at work for 8 minutes or 8 hours... who knows. +28115,1,When a gay guy obsesses over another guy He's not thinking straight +28116,1,What U.S. state has the best writing utensils? Pencil-vania +28117,3,Two brothers running a farm... One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing. He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing. The dancing brother shockingly and quickly puts his shirt back on and says... I went to the doctors because we're having marital problems and the doctor told me to do something sexy to attract her. (a tractor) +28118,0,Why was the shoe ginger? Because it had no sole +28119,3,Why are feminists bad cashiers? They can't make change. +28120,0,"My buddy and I were walking downtown and we came upon what appeared to be someone passed out on the ground... Upon closer inspection, they had a weak pulse and I couldn't detect breathing. I turned to my friend and shouted frantically, ""I don't think they're getting enough oxygen! Do you know ASMR?"" Thankfully he understood exactly what I meant - with no hesitation he got down on his knees and began chest compressions with a sultry whisper, ""One Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi Mississippi Mississippi""" +28121,9,"A man goes to confession and says, ""Forgive me father for I have sinned."" The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, ""Yes, father. I used the ""F-word"" over the weekend."" The priest says, ""Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."" The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the ""F-word"". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. ""Well father,"" he begins. ""I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."" The priest says, ""And you got upset over that and swore?"" The man replied, ""No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees."" The priest said, ""And that's when you swore."" The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, ""No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."" The priest asked, ""Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"" The man replied, ""No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."" The priest let out a breath and queried, ""Is that when you swore?"" The man replied, ""No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."" The priest screamed, ""Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!""" +28122,0,Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a boxer. +28123,0,I'm not sure which super villain I want to be for Halloween yet Right now it's between The Joker and the white privileged male. +28124,3,I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night But the doctor said it's only tissue damage. +28125,0,What is the difference between Jackie Chan and Celine Dion? Jackie can totally ruin your bone with his hit and Celine can completely ruin your boner with hers. +28126,0,Why is Obama left-handed? Because blacks have no rights +28127,2,"Guy takes his girlfriend to the prom.... So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do. First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place. Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He picks her up and takes her down there to get in, but there's this huge ticket line at the door. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, ""I'm hungry,"" so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, ""Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?"" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline." +28128,0,What is the best way to avoid having your flight bombed? Bring your own bomb! Cause what are the odds that there are **two** bombs on the same plane? +28129,1,A blind man walks into a bar and a table and a chair +28130,0,What do Muslims and the BBC have in common? They both cover up for pedophiles. +28131,0,You know whats a joke? this sub's CSS +28132,0,What do you call an Asian that has an extra neutron? A Riceotope +28133,6,Why is ground beef so popular? Because the flying cows are really hard to catch. +28134,0,"I received a new leather wallet on the Christmas day so I could replace the old one! I was so happy about it but after a little bit of time, I discovered the worst thing ever. I was so disappointed because there was not any money inside it... " +28135,1,"If a chain of islands belonged to Germany, what would it be called? Not Funny Atoll. " +28136,2,What's the best part about necrophilia? The flowers are already there. +28137,2,Did you hear about the guy that got his left arm and left leg cut off? He’s all right now. +28138,3,I found a place where the recycling rate is 98% /r/Jokes +28139,1,"Hey, girl, do you believe in Santa... Or should I smash through your chimney dressed as something else?" +28140,0,What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre +28141,0,What do you call a drug addict with a lisp that never cleans their house? Methy. +28142,0,"Looking at the past year, I seem to see the new year instead... Hindsight is 2020" +28143,0,What did the receptionist say to the man who had just donated to the sperm bank on his way out? “Thanks for cumming!” +28144,10,North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media But every American knows that America is the best country in the world +28145,0,"There's two ways to look at Wolfenstein Youngblood on the Nintendo Switch One is with the box half empty, and the other is the box half full" +28146,0,"I asked my girlfriend to take her clothes off... So, I can get a Pikachu" +28147,5,A naked women robs a bank A naked women robs a bank. Nobody could remember her face. +28148,6,"Helen Keller....... Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as ""The most violent book I've ever read""." +28149,1,"A duck walks into a bar A duck walks into a bar and asks, ""Got any grapes?"" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, ""Got any grapes?"" Again, the bartender tells him, ""No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes."" The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, ""Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ""Got any nails?"" Confused, the bartender says no. ""Good!"" says the duck. ""Got any grapes?""" +28150,0,What do you call an alligator with an erectile dysfunction? An ereptile dysfunction. Hah. Hah. +28151,1,What's the most eco-friendly site on the Internet? Reddit - it recycles most of its material. +28152,0,What do you get when you carve your pumpkin in September? Premature Ejack-O-Lantern. +28153,1,Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today. I guess he was still on the fence. +28154,0,"Football is like sex By the end of it you'll be bruised, battered, and sore; but hey at least your dad came." +28155,0,What's the name of a convenience store opened by a baby name suggestion by George Costanza and a popular netflix series character starring Millie Bobby Brown? 7-Eleven +28156,0,What is the cannibal's favorite Mexican food? Toestadas. +28157,1,Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Two tired. +28158,0,"I want you to look at me... Hi, my name is Torii. With two i's, because I want you to look at me with both eyes when you cum in me." +28159,0,Talked my girlfriend into getting a tattoo... Talked my girlfriend into getting a tattoo of a chicken on her vagina. I got a tattoo of an egg on my penis. Now we'll who comes first! +28160,0,How will Americans be feeling this Christmas? Joyful and Try-trump-ful +28161,1,"Woke up, took a shit. Got out of bed." +28162,1,How do you get a free flight at an airport? Take the stairs. +28163,2,What sea mammal controls Nazi Germany? Adolf-in +28164,1,I've only ever had one concussion in my life. I hope. +28165,1,"Guy goes to prison This guy goes to prison and becomes cell mates with his cousins his cousin tells him he’ll teach him the grind of prison and how to steer clear from any hardship. They go to the cafeteria and get food and as they say eating their meals with all the other inmates one person yells out, ‘FOUR!’ and the entire prison, including the guards, all burst into laughter. Soon another voice booms, ‘ELEVEN!’ And, same thing, the entire prison laughs. That night the new inmate asks his cousin, ‘why did everyone laugh at those guys shouting out numbers?’ His cousin replied, ‘you see cousin, when you been in the big house for so long you eventually learn and know all the jokes so we just started numbering them. After a while someone just yells out the assigned number to a specific joke and we are all reminded of that joke and laugh, you’ll eventually learn all the jokes.” About two years later the former new inmate learned all the jokes and their numbers and was ready to scream out a joke during lunch. As soon as he has a silent opening he screamed out, ‘EIGHT!’ And no one laughed. After a few minutes another inmate bellowed, ‘EIGHT!!’ And the entire prison laughed. That night he asked his cousin, ‘why didn’t people laugh when references joke #8 but they laughed when the other guy did?’ And his cousin replied, ‘well, cousin, some people just don’t know how to tell a good joke’. " +28166,3,"When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them... I see trees of green, and red roses too." +28167,3,A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner. Men do that too. It's called silent. +28168,0,Why does Santa only have sex with his wife when she is asleep? He only cums when you're sleeping +28169,3,The unwritten rules of Reddit 1) 2) 3) +28170,1,"Larry found the magic lantern After rubbing it, Larry freed the Gin. “Make a wish my master,” Gin said. Unpopular amongst women, Larry cries,” oh Gin! I want a stable job with a stable income and a big vehicle with lots of girls in it everyday.” Today Larry is a full time bus driver at a catholic girls school." +28171,1,What do you call Barry Allen driving a car? A flashdrive +28172,0,What's brown and sticky? A stick +28173,0,What do you call a middle-eastern magician? A sand-witch +28174,3,"A wife yells at her husband Wife: ""How could you do this to me?!"" Husband : ""What did I do?"" Wife: "" You slept with my sister, you bastard!"" Husband : ""Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"" Wife: ""The fucking autopsy.""" +28175,2,IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad passes away at 91. Wonder if he collapsed unexpectedly at home? +28176,1,"Man gets into a car accident A man goes through a car accident. In the hospital, he is taken to emergency surgery. Unfortunely, the doctors couldn't save his legs. He awakes a few hours later, in his room, where a doctor stands besides him. ""You've were in a car accident"" the doctor told him ""we had to take you to surgery in order to save you. I have both good news and bad news."" The man fills his eyes with tears: ""Oh god! Please doctor, tell me the bad news first!"" ""Well, I'm sorry, but we couldn't save your legs. You will never walk again."" The man bursts out crying. ""A-and the good news?"" ""Well... your dick now touches the floor." +28177,2,According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up. They're afraid it might lead to dancing. +28178,1,I had an anti-vaxx friend once. He threw the best birthday party ever. It was ambulance themed. +28179,0,"I tried marketing high end medical devices to a group of proctologists... It didn't work though, they were used to shitty equipment. " +28180,2,"Homosexuality should not be accepted in a civilized society. It is an abomination. ""sexuality"" has a Latin root and ""homo"" is Greek. Really the word should be ideosexuality!" +28181,3,"A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says ""I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."" The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says ""right this way."" The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one. The boy asks ""Do any of them have herpes?"" She says ""No! Of course not. None of our girls have herpes."" So the boy hands her another 100 dollar bill and the madam says ""right this way."" They walk into the brothels kitchen, and there is a fat girl scrubbing the floors. The boy asks ""Does she have herpes?"" The madam says yes, so the boy hands her yet another 100 dollar bill and they go into a private room. The boy comes out 15 minutes later, and the madam asks him ""I don't understand, you're so young! Why would you want herpes?"" The boy replies, ""Well, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, the babysitter is going to fuck my dad, my dad's going to fuck my mom, my mom is going to fuck the mailman who killed my frog.""" +28182,1,"My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal. He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening." +28183,1,Hawaii got nervous but... It missed isle +28184,0,"The minus sign tried to explain to the plus sign how multiplication works, ... ... but he only understood sum of it." +28185,0,"My cousin was an airplane pilot he used to sleep all the time during the flights, until he crashed his plane into the pacific, and now he has all the time to sleep." +28186,0,"What did the snail say when he went for a ride on the turtle? ""Wheeeeeee!""" +28187,0,"Trying to impress my date Date; I love animals Me trying to impress date: I can talk to animals Date: Prove it Me (to a duck): Hello, you fucking duck " +28188,0,"So no shit, there I was... Balls deep in my sister when she says ""wow, you're bigger than Dad!"", and I said ""yeah, Grandpa tells me all the time"". " +28189,2,Here's a way to stop being a procrastinator. I'll tell you later. +28190,2,What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken +28191,0,"A very odd man is walking down an old pioneer road He looks up and says ""Nice ass"" A beautiful woman striding along says ""Thank you"" The odd man says ""Oh I'm sorry, but I didn't mean you"" A man and his donkey walking just behind her say ""Why thank you"" The odd man again apologizes and claims he wasn't talking about the donkey either A very fit brute walking just behind them says ""Did that donkey just fucking talk?!""" +28192,0,Why are girls always cold? Because of their cold black hearts. +28193,6,Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying? A small part of me says yes. +28194,0,"The Lion King and Aladdin are in a race, who wins? You might think it’s Aladdin because of his magic carpet, but it was the lion king. The lion king Mufasa." +28195,1,Today I hit the rock bottom. Dwayne was like: “Dude stop slapping my ass” +28196,0,"What do you call the low-calorie versions of the actors who appeared in ""Bullitt"", ""40 Year Old Virgin"", and ""The Expendables"" Stevia McQueen Stevia Carell Stevia Austin " +28197,0,"John was nearly killed in an accident They saved him, but he had no insurance, so it cost him an arm and a leg." +28198,0,How do you ding dong ditch with bees? Bing Bong Bitch +28199,10,"I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes" +28200,0,"Girl takes her dog for a walk One day a girl wanted to take the dog for a walk, she went to her mother and asked, her mother said ""Ask your father"", so she goes in the garage and asks her father if she can take the dog for a walk, so he grabs a can of petrol and rubs the petrol on the dogs ass and the girl takes the dog for a walk, later on she comes back alone, the father asks ""where's the dog?"" the girl replies ""It ran out of petrol, but don't worry another dog is pushing it home""" +28201,0,What do you call a piece of mint that's been lying under the sun for an hour? A solar Eclipse +28202,1,The Kentucky Derby is like sex.. ...all this build up for two minutes of action. +28203,1,What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches. +28204,6,"What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common? In both countries, it's legal to get stoned." +28205,1,"Lottery Win Man: What would you do if I won the lottery? Woman: Take half and leave! Man: Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!" +28206,2,"I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box." +28207,7,I totally understand how batteries feel... I'm rarely ever included in things either. Edit: Damn these comments got dark +28208,2,What do you get for stealing someone's heart? Cardiac arrest +28209,0,Theres 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those that don't. +28210,0,"who knew what radiation can cure other than cancer. researchers have found Cure for tiny willies. Statement: ""we all know that being in a close proximity to radiation causes abnormal GROWTH."" worst case scenario- instead for one you will have two dicks, can fuck her twice at once" +28211,1,"I failed my electronics exam today. Apparently, a transistor is not a black woman dressed as a man" +28212,0,You know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same that happens to everything else +28213,1,"Republican Jokes Q: Why should Creationism be taught in schools? A: Because it leaves less time to teach Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A: A tea party. Q: When is it okay for Republicans to engage in group sex and drug use? A: After they decide to run for Governor of California Q: What's the difference between God and a Conservative? A: God knows He's not a Republican. Q: If Ted Haggard isn't a George Bush Republican, what kind of republican is he? A: A George Michael Republican! Q: Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections? A: Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil! Q: Why is trade with comunnist Cuba bad? A: Because it lowers our trade potential with China and Vietnam Q: What do you call a Republican who wants insurance to cover Viagra but not birth control? A: Motherfucker Q: What do Republicans and porn stars have in common? A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera. Q: How do you fight the war on terror? A: By belittling our long-time allies, then demanding their cooperation and money Q: Why is it bad when the Republicans control the House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House? A: Because they only have themselves to blame Q: What does Anna Nicole Smith call Strom Thurmond? A: The Bachelor Q: What do the Republican primaries and the Duggars have in common? A: They both have 19 kids and counting. Q: What do you call an idiot who spends their days mortified by aliens, Arabs and anthrax? A: ""A Fox News Viewer"" Q: What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts? A: Change. Q: How do you confuse a Conservative? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: What is the difference between a Republican ass-kisser and a brown-noser? A: Depth perception. Q: How many Democrats does it take to clean up a disastrous Bush presidency? A: At least two! Q: Why won't Barack Obama be celebrating his 51st birthday? A: Republicans won't let Democrats raise taxes on the rich let alone Barack Obama's age! Q: What's the Republican's secret Weapon for the 2006 Mid-term Elections? A: John Kerry! ...(he insulted the troops) ' Q: What the difference between a Conservative and the rear end of a horse? A: I don't know either. Q: Why did Elizabeth Dole consider running for the Senate? A: To get away from Bob and his little blue pills! Q: What did Bob Dole say after appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears? A: If this won't cure erectile dysfunction....nothing will Q: Why are gay Saudis a big dilemma for Republicans? A: Because their gays with oil Q: What do you call a basement full of Conservatives? A: A whine cellar. Q: What's worse than Bill Clinton calling you a womanizer? A: Marc Foley calling you a pervert! Q: Is lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die an impeachable offense? A: Nooooo!!!!.....But lying about an extramarital affair is! Q: When was Saddamm a good guy? A1: When Reagan armed him! A2. After George Sr went to war with him A3. While Cheney was doing business with him A4: When Dubya needed a ""We can't find Bin Laden"" diversion Q: What does ""Standing Tall for America"" mean? A: Firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. Q: There is a Red House on the right and blue house on the left where is the White House? A: in Washington DC Q: How does a Democrat get killed in Texas? A: When driving around in a car with a bumper sticker saying ""I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."" If pro is the oppisite of con then is progress the opposite of congress? Donald Trump made America Hate Again. Cruz cheaTED. Rubio lost his Marcomentum. and John Ka-snitched on them all. Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention? Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'. **Funeral** A Republican died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars. ""Ten dollars?"" she said. ""It only takes ten dollars to bury a Republican? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"" **Genie** A Conservative found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, ""I will grant you one wish."" He said, ""I wish I were smarter"". So the genie made him a Liberal. " +28214,0,50 Blades of Grey The online BDSMMORPG +28215,1,My husband just had a heart attack during climax He was nearly there - but then he was nearly gone. +28216,1,"Too Many Characters A dumb college blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, ""I have a complaint!"" ""Yes, ma'am?"" ""I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"" ""What was wrong with it?"" asked the librarian. ""It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"" The librarian nodded and said, ""Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."" " +28217,2,"3 men on a plane 3 men are on a plane and the plane is about to crash. They each try to throw something out of the plane to reduce weight. The first man throws a wrench. The second man throws a screwdriver. The third man throws a bomb. Well the plane crash lands and the men are walking down a street. They come across a little girl crying and they ask ""why are you crying little girl?"" The girl replies, ""I was jumping rope and then I got hit in the head by a wrench."" The men walk a little further down the street and come across a woman crying. They ask the woman, ""what happened, ma'am?"" The woman replies, ""I was working in my garden and then got hit in the head by a screwdriver."" The men go a little further and come across a little boy laughing uncontrollably. They ask, ""what's so funny little boy?"" The little boy replies, ""I farted and the house behind me blew up!""" +28218,1,Which celebrity is the best at fencing? Katy Parry +28219,10,"Scientist: ""My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."" Media: Scientist claims ""Findings are meaningless.""" +28220,0,Anyone here to give me answer.... I have 100$ in my pocket I spent 45 - remain 55 then spent 30 - remain 25 then spent 13 - remain 12 then spent 12 - remain 0 now i get confused Spent money - 100 Remain - 92 where is my 8$ +28221,2,"How neckbeards are made. \\- Honey, we need to talk about your... boobs. \\- Ughh, MOM! You're just jealous because mine are bigger than yours! \\- That's the point David, you're my son, not my daughter." +28222,1,"Did you hear one of the Ghostbusters died? Yeah, 'e gone." +28223,2,[NSFW] How do you call a hoe thinking in the shower? A shower thot. +28224,3,A military officer was caught stealing electrons His superiors immediately had him discharged. +28225,3,How does a Pirate go on vacation? In his ARRRRRV. +28226,0,What happens if you write too many books? What? You will get author-itis. +28227,0,Knock knock Who’s there? Doctor Doctor who? Yes +28228,0,Why is Shield Commander Nck Fury upset With another eye missing he can't see a thing. He has officially become *Removes sunglasses Blind Fury +28229,3,Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes. +28230,0,"Average day at Maccas So I walked into maccas and I asked for a large big mac meal and the guy said ""what drink would you like"", I then said ""Ill have a pepsi max"". The Guy then said ""sorry but we dont sell pepsi max"". I then responded ""oh thats a shame but my name is sam""." +28231,0,"They just released the cast listing for the upcoming film about the Thailand cave rescue, and they cast Ice-T as the Prime Minister. That's right. He will be a Thai Ice-T." +28232,2,I never understood how glass worked But it's clear to me now. +28233,1,"If you kill someone, where's the best place to hide the body? Page two on Google." +28234,1,"Joe wenton vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat. After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend. Joe: Hey what's up man, how's everything back home? Friend: Your cat died. Joe: What?! You can't just call me and tell me my cat died. - You could have made a first call and say: ""Your cat is stuck in a tree and won't come down. - Then a second call where you would say: ""Your cat broke his foot while trying to come down."" - Finally, you could have made a third call and then said: ""Your cat died."" But on the first call, that's just too blunt man. Anyways, how's my mom? Friend: Your mom is stuck in a tree and won't come down." +28235,1,"Little Timmy fell asleep in class and woke up during the last ten minutes of recess. He was feeling pretty horny as he woke up with a raging boner, so he decided to use the last 10 minutes of recess to masturbate so he could get rid of it. So he's in the bathroom jacking off, and he's having trouble getting himself to orgasm. He then hears the bell that signals that class is starting in one minute. Timmy decides that the embarrassment is worth not being late, so he runs out of the bathroom while still masturbating, and that's when he feels that he's about to climax, he runs into classroom just the second bell rings and ejaculates all over the floor and his whole class stares at him in shock. his teacher looks at his semen on the floor, then at the clock, then smiles at him and says, ""at least you came on time""." +28236,4,Some girls play hard to get I just play hard to want +28237,0,What is the most dangerous sport? Golf +28238,3,"So a crow is in the woods... Perched on top of a tree and is relaxing smoking weed. A lizard nearby smells it an looks up and sees this crow way up on the top of this tree. So the lizard asks ""hey! Wanna share?"" ""Sure I don't mind, come on up""replies the crow. ""Great but let me go get some water first, one sec."" Said the lizard. So the lizard goes over to the lake nearby and sees this alligator and tells him what he was about to go do and where this crow was at in case he wanted to join. Anticipating getting the munchies, the alligator eats the lizard and goes over to the crow is at and yells up ""hey!"" The crow looks down and says ""Jesus Christ!!! How much water did you drink!!!!!" +28239,0,Why are scientists so lonely? Because it takes of order 1 to tango. +28240,0,"Dirty Limerick Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the name & of the address of the winner. Miss Mary Smith of Rose Cottage He immediately went round and was astonished when a little grey haired old lady answered. He explained who he was and asked Mary to speak her Limerick. She said ""Oh, I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud."" ""Well I'm a filthy Limerick expert, so will you just dah de dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?"" He said The old lady thought it over and eventually said ""I can't see that it would hurt me to do that, so I will dah de dah it for you. Are you ready?"" ""Yes of course I'm ready"" he said still not believing that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by a little old lady. ""Right then, here goes"" she said......... ""Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy, Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy, Diddy dah dah diddy dah, Diddy dah dah diddy dah, Dah diddy dah you fucking cunt."" " +28241,0,How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? None. +28242,2,"An Eskimo took his snowmobile to the mechanic The mechanic tells the Eskimo that diagnostics will take a couple of hours. The Eskimo walks around town while he waits. When the Eskimo gets back to the shop, the mechanic says ""It looks like you blew a seal"". The Eskimo says ""No, I was eating ice cream""" +28243,4,I like my women like I like my books. Leather-bound. +28244,1,A stray dog walked up to me with a phone number around its collar. I've never met a bitch so readily available. +28245,4,"A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan... He comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm. ""How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"" ""Yes,"" replies the Afghan, ""very well."" ""Great,"" says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn. ""You mind if I ask the cow how you're treating her?"" ""Crazy American, cow no talk,"" says the farmer. Regardless, the soldier approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going. ""Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I'm doing just fine."" The farmer's mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing! The soldier returns to the farmer's side and asks, ""How bout the horse? Can I chat with him about the farm?"" The farmer replies, somewhat hesitantly, ""Horse no talk."" But the soldier approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, ""Things are pretty good. The farmer brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here."" The farmer nearly can't believe his own eyes and ears. He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the soldier returns. The soldier says, ""So, how about I talk to your goat..."" The Afghan farmer quickly yells, ""Goat liar! Goat liar!""" +28246,1,What do you call the gap between a pair of fake boobs? Silicone Valley. edit: spelling +28247,0,Why couldn't the married couple wait for their honeymoon on Alderaan? It was gonna be a blast. +28248,1,Im a Dad Kidding thats a joke. A Dad joke. +28249,1,"My computer notified me that my wife emailed me a picture of our newborn son since I was gone for a business trip ""You've got male!""" +28250,2,"My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but imaginary..." +28251,0,What do Nazis use to play music? A ghetto blaster. +28252,5,"Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three? Because the sign says ""No Trespassing""" +28253,4,Day 213 without having sex im really glad my uncle died 7 months ago. +28254,1,What do I have in common with Lance Armstrong's balls? Both of us are single. +28255,2,What do you call an Irish Garden Chair? Paddy O’Furniture... +28256,5,I went to a voodoo prostitute last night Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head... +28257,0,A Paraplegic Walks in to a Bar. A Paraplegic Walks in to a Bar. ~Heene Boyz +28258,2,I hate it when people make fun of the disabled. They can't even stand up for themselves. +28259,2,Green curry and red curry had a race It was a Thai. +28260,2,What do you call a fear of Alkaline? A pH-obia +28261,0,"273.15 K Alright, that wasn't a very funny joke but it's still 0°C" +28262,1,What are Muslim men's favorite mathematical equation? Inequalities +28263,0,In which slot of a vending machine can you find a non-cancerous tumor? B9. +28264,0,TIL Orville and Wilbur Wright were never married. Mostly because they were brothers and that sort of thing is illegal. +28265,1,What do you call a wizard holding a teacup? A saucer-er! +28266,3,"So little Johnny is sitting in class one day. The teacher asks, “I want everyone here to go home and come up with a story that has a moral.” So the next day the teacher calls on lil Susie. The teacher says, “What is your story Susie?” She replies, “You have 12 eggs and only 4 of them become chicks.” The teacher asks, “Ok, so what’s the moral.” Lil Susie replies, “Don’t count your chicks until all the eggs hatch.” The teacher says, “Very good Susie.” The teacher then calls on lil Johnny and asks his what his story is. Lil Johnny replies, “My uncle Jerry was a pilot in World War II . When flying, he got shot down, right before he jumped out of the plane he grabbed a case of beer, and mini gun and a machete. While in the air he drank the entire case of beer. He survived the landing and ended up crashing in a field of 100 German soldiers. He killed 70 of them with his machine gun, 20 of them with his machete and 10 of them with his hands.” The teacher terrifies replies, “What’s the moral?” And lil Johnny replies, “DONT FUCK WITH MY UNCLE JERRY WHEN HES DRUNK.”" +28267,0,"When I get a dog So, when I get a dog, I'll call it Ammay. Everytime it poops, I'll get the Ammay fieces!" +28268,3,Appreciated This joke is under “appreciated” +28269,1,"I remember that when I was a kid, I brought a pack of condoms to school because I thought they were just funny looking balloons. I mean can you blame me, at the time I thought it was freaking hilarious that these ""balloons"" could be easily tied to my penis." +28270,1,Are you from France? Cuz MaDAMN +28271,1,"A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar. Well, a pear, ant, lee." +28272,3,"When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck... Damn dial-up!" +28273,1,18 and 19 got into a fight. 22 21 +28274,2,A woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre... So he gives it to her. +28275,0,"Southwest Airlines Stewardess On a recent Southwest Airlines flight from Charleston SC to Baltimore, the stewardess performed the required safety procedures, during which very few passengers paid full attention to. She then moved on to the non-smoking announcement: “We remind you that that this is a non-smoking flight, including in the lavatory. Tempering with or disabling the smoke detector in the lavatory can carry a fine of up to $2,000. And we know none of you have $2,000 !” Silence filled the cabin and every passenger, at bit confused, looked up at the stewardess. Smiling, she continues: “If you had $2,000, you would be flying Delta !”" +28276,0,"I called my boss and asked what he was doing. He said driving around idiot drivers. I said, ""Oh, so you're just driving.""" +28277,4,Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday! Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa! Lisa: You can do them tomorrow +28278,0,People always rave about Beef Wellington But I much rather have Beef Medium-rareington instead. +28279,3,"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's a bit heavy, the others a little lighter." +28280,0,What do you call 4 women together in the kitchen? No issues with animal cruelty. +28281,1,What do you call a wrestler who drinks tea? Matcha Man Randy Savage. +28282,1,(NSFW) what do you call it when you have sex with Machamp? Vulvasore +28283,0,How do you make a whore moan? Tell a bad joke +28284,5,I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields. They still came out pretty grainy. +28285,4,I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck +28286,0,Donald Trump is a war hero He was shot down in Hanoi +28287,0,My friend got a new small dog and named her Sue. She's a little Shit. +28288,2,What’s the worst thing someone can ask for during sex? A refund. +28289,0,"So I was browsing YouTube... So I was browsing YouTube, you know, scrolling through to find something to watch, occasionally refreshing the page to see if anyone I’m subbed to has uploaded a video, when I see a video from a YouTuber I’ve never watched or heard of, sitting there in my Recommended section. Intrigued, I click on the video, and am pleased at what I see. This guy, for the sake of this, let’s call him Waze, he’s a small time YouTuber, but big time funny. I sub and go through his old videos, laughing my head off at each one. Then, some time goes by. The guy just hit a million subs, and for his million sub special, he’s planning to do a reflection on where he started, and he put up a survey asking where all of his fans learnt about him from. Obviously, I say that I got recommended one of his videos through YouTube, but that gets me thinking. How did YouTube know that I would like his content? So I ask a friend, who happens to work for YouTube. I tell him the story, and ask him, “Hey, how does YouTube know what I’ll like?” The guy just shrugs and says, “Allahgorithm works in mysterious Waze.”" +28290,0,The checkout girl blushed when she scanned my condoms. If only she knew what the cucumber was for. +28291,1,What is Waluigis Favourite Type of Phone? Huawei +28292,1,I was walking down the street when I saw a disabled man in a wheelchair being harassed... so I stood up for him. +28293,1,Roman Emperor Caligula actually made his favorite horse a senator. Guy didn’t pass a single motion. +28294,3,"A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding... A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, ""What are you doing?"" ""I'm going to commit suicide,"" she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, ""Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, ""Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"" “My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”" +28295,1,"The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, ""FATHER I NEED YOU""." +28296,3,What's faster than your butthole closing after taking a shit? The single drop of water that always makes its way in. +28297,0,"I don’t understand prayers. Is it if any amount people pray for something to happen and than any other amount of people pray for it to not happen, than it won’t happen? Or is it like a scale? With whatever side prays the most than that thing happens? Because if it is a scale Than I wish people would stop praying for hurricanes." +28298,2,"Life is like a penis, loose and hanging freely. Until a woman comes along and makes it hard." +28299,0,Not all of my body is athletic Just my foot +28300,2,How do T-Rexes high five each other? They don’t. They’re all dead. +28301,5,"A white guy gets “Wendy” tattooed on his dick. It only shows “Wy” when flaccid. He goes on vacation to Jamaica. In the bathroom peeing, he glances over at a Jamaican guy next to him and sees “Wy” tattooed on his dick too. He says, What a coincidence! Is your wife named Wendy too? The Jamaican man notices the guy’s dick tattoo and says, Nah mon.. mine says “Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day”" +28302,5,"Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub... He points at her crotch and exclaims, ""What's that!?"" She quickly says, ""Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."" Johnny replies, ""Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt.""" +28303,0,What do you call an Asian man that cooks things at just below boiling point and looks a lot like you? Simmerer +28304,3,"What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag sure is a big plus." +28305,6,How did the redneck find his sister in the tall grass? Quite satisfying +28306,0,A Pun +28307,1,"Religion is like a penis. Nothing wrong with having one, just don't wave it around in public, and don't try to shove it down my kids throat." +28308,1,What do you call a Fat person giving their opinions? *Weighing in* +28309,5,What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming? An iPatch... I'm sorry... +28310,3,"One day on the farm... Little Susannah walked outside and saw a chicken was lying on its back with it's legs up in the air. When she brought this to her father's attention, he explained to her the chicken passed away, and went to bury it. Later that night Susannah came to her father and asked ""Why was the chicken lying with its legs up in the air?"" Her father chuckles and says ""Because it makes it easier for angels to pull them up to Heaven."" Little Susannah accepted this, and pushed the matter no further. A few days later Susannah's father comes home from work, and the girl runs out of the house up to him. ""You're not going to believe this!"", exclaimed Susannah. ""What is it?"", her father asked. ""When you were at work I heard mommy screaming from the bedroom, so I went to check on her!"" ""Oh my goodness!"", Susannah's father panicked. ""What happened?"" ""She's okay now. But when I looked into the room, I saw she was lying there naked with her arms and legs up the air yelling 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming! Jesus, I'm coming!' ""It's a good thing the mail man was there to hold her down, or she would have been a goner for sure!"" " +28311,0,How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christ...? Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused? A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25) +28312,1,Scientists detected gravitational waves directly for the first time Your mom's gonna get half the Nobel prize. +28313,2,If I made a movie about the Alamo I would call it “Cowboys vs. Aliens” +28314,4,"My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said, ""Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."" She said, ""That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"" ""Hey,"" I said, ""these things happen when you're taking a shit.""" +28315,7,"I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, ""Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon.""" +28316,2,Where did Ivan the Terrible get his coffee? Tsarbucks +28317,7,"The term ""Every 60 seconds in Africa..."" is really stupid Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving. " +28318,1,What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar? A hoedown +28319,1,Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is. +28320,1,I can relate well to a battery Because I too am never included in anything +28321,1,My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.” Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon. +28322,0,What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. +28323,3,"A penguin is driving around in his car in antarctica Suddenly, his car makes a big cloud of smoke, he has to push it to the nearest mechanic. He explains his problem, the mechanic tells him : ""Hmm ... I can't really tell the issue right now, come back in a couple of hours and I'll tell you what's wrong with your car"" The penguin starts walking 1 hour in one direction, and decides to head back, as he walks back to the mechanic, he sees another penguin selling ice creams. He thinks to himself ""I had a pretty rough day, besides, I walked for 2 hours, so I think I deserve a good ice cream"" He buys a big vanilla ice cream, but he's a penguin, he has a beak, so it's pretty hard to eat an ice cream without making a complete mess. When he's done, he has ice cream all over his beak. He finally arrives to the mechanic ""So, did you figure out what's wrong with my car"" he asks ""Hmm, it looks like you blew a seal"" ""No no, I just had ice cream !"" " +28324,2,"You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons ...and the people who run the country are the more-ons. " +28325,3,What were the fish's last words before it hit a wall? Dam +28326,1,My viginity is like my father It was gone by the age of 10 +28327,0,Why concrete is not considered as Makeup Material? Eventhough Most of the foundations in the world are made up of concrete. +28328,0,"During the ""State of the State Address"" California's Governor Gavin Newsome announced an Alzheimer Task Force But I forget the specifics" +28329,0,"I just flew back from Seattle. And boy, were my arms confiscated." +28330,0,Time is not straight.. neither I'm +28331,4,"A magician was working on a cruise A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: ""Look, it's not the same hat"" ""Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"" ""Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: ""OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"" " +28332,0,"[Math joke] I once met a mathematician with an eyepatch named Eida the third. I asked her ""The third? Is Eida a family name?"" She replied ""No, I changed it after I lost my eye.""" +28333,0,Did you hear about the guy that was arrested at the school for the amputated? He was an armed suspect. +28334,0,A blonde walks into a bar She collided with a bar. +28335,0,"A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he waits for it to arrive, he notices things are unusual at this bar. There are animals in cages everywhere! The man asks the bartender why there are so many animals. The bartender responds ""To feed the bear, of course!"" The man replies ""WHY DO YOU HAVE A BEAR IN A BAR!?!"" The bartender responds ""What bar? This is a zoo!""" +28336,0,How do you call fish with no eyes fsh +28337,1,What's a weeaboo's favorite element? Manga-nese! +28338,2,What do school shooting jokes and school shooting victims have in common They never get old +28339,1,"Worlds most hopeful pick up line: Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name cnjywgsvknjrgycjf?" +28340,1,"Sinking Ship A group of 6 people are on a ship. 2 are African, 2 are Mexican, and 2 are American. The captain of the ship comes out and tells the group that the ship is sinking. The only solution is to get rid of some of their possession. The Mexicans go first throwing drugs off the boat saying ""we have to many of these in our country"". Next the Africans go, they throw off guns and say ""we have to many of these in our country"". Next the Americans go. They throw off the Mexicans and the Africans and say ""we have to many of these in our country""." +28341,1,Why was Chewbacca sent to the principal's office? Cuz he was caught skipping class and playing wookie......... (I'll see myself out now) +28342,4,"There's something I like about you, I just can't put my finger on it... Because it would be sexual harassment." +28343,0,You think your job is a pain in the ass? Try being a gay porn star! +28344,3,What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES! +28345,1,"A man walks into a grocery store He asks the employee ""Do you have any mango yogurt?"" The employee promptly replies ""No, we don't."" and the man walks out. Next day, the man walks into the store again and asks the employee ""Do you have any mango yogurt?"" The employee says ""I'm sorry, we don't have any. I don't think we ever will."" and the man leaves. Third day, the man does the same thing. This time, the employee is getting annoyed by this and just says to the man ""We don't have any mango yogurt, we've never had any, and we never will."" and the man leaves. Undeterred by this, the man continues to go into the store and ask for mango yogurt everyday. After two weeks of this, the employee decides he's had enough and decides to talk to his boss to order mango yogurt just to appease this relentless customer. His boss refuses to order any, because no one likes mango yogurt, and he couldn't be ordering things just for one specific costumer. But the employee has had enough of this costumer. He can't take any more of him. So he decides to order the yogurt himself, and pay out of his own pocket. He buys cases full of mango yogurt and spends his time before opening stacking them on the shelves. Next day, sure enough, the man walks into the store and again asks ""Do you have any mango yogurt?"" This time, the employee smugly points towards a great stack of mango yogurt, spanning from the floor almost to the ceiling and proudly proclaims ""Yes. We do have mango yogurt."" So the man goes ""They're shit. Aren't they?"" and walks out." +28346,3,What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents? Slayer. +28347,0,Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury. But that's just Water under the Bridge now. +28348,5,"A farmer buys a young cock (nsfw) As soon as he gets it home it fucks all one hundred of his chickens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock goes for round two, all one hundred chickens get another go. The next day it is fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later that week the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half dead being circled by vultures. The farmer says ""that's what ya get ya horny basterd"". The cock opens one eye and says ""shhhh they are about to land""" +28349,1,"I told my girlfriend that she was rubbish in the cowgirl position. ""If you're going to insult me, I'll just pack my bags and leave. How does that sound to you?"" she yelled. ""Honey,"" I said. ""You can run, but you can't ride.""" +28350,1,Marine biology I was going to study marine biology dude. Turns out it was just a lot of maths. Really dude? What course? Algae brah. +28351,3,What’s green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. +28352,0,What do you call a Scotsman standing with one foot in his house and one foot outside of his house? Hame-ish! +28353,3,"I won a million dollars in the lottery! I plan to give a quarter of it to charity. That'll leave me with $999,999.75 to spend on myself!" +28354,0,What did the firefly say to the normal fly? Do you even glow bro? +28355,0,I don't get new car smell air fresheners Your '98 Ford Taurus isn't fooling anyone +28356,2,Why don't Orthodox Jews drink lemonade? Its a little too Hasidic for them. +28357,0,"My friend's wife filed... for ""*separatio a mensa et thoro""***.** It translates into English as ""separation from bed and table"". I guess my friend can't eat properly, either." +28358,1,"A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio. Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon . The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”." +28359,0,"White Man comes to Alaska to become an Eskimo... He finds an Inupiaq village and speaks with the elder, ""How do I become Eskimo?"" The elder thinks for a moment, ""First you just find and kill a polar bear, then you must mate with an eskimo, only then can you become a true eskimo."" The white man leaves the village, he isnt seen or heard from for 6 long months. He comes trudging into the village covered in blood and gashes, ""Okay, now wheres this eskimo bitch I'm supposed to kill?""" +28360,4,I watched a great documentary on menstruation in Victorian times It was a great period piece. +28361,0,I'm not a big fan of one liners. I prefer people who can handle their cocaine. +28362,2,What is Donald Trump's favorite butterfly The monarch because it always goes back to Mexico +28363,0,"Why did the hipster fall into the lake? I pushed him, that why!....... damn hipsters." +28364,0,Why did God invent liquor? So fat girls can fuck too. +28365,4,Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one +28366,1,What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common? Τhey both smell it but they can’t eat it. ​ +28367,0,My dad says he's never overpaid for anything in his life 'cause he never forgot to take his change. +28368,1,I like my relationships like I like my whiskey. On the rocks. +28369,4,"My wife's always watching the Kardashians and I'm always watching the news. I must be rubbing off on her. Based on her internet search history, she's looking at the BBC all the time now" +28370,0,It's funny that my wife kisses our kids goodnight... ...because they're still in my balls. +28371,3,"Three large girls walk into a bar... They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, ""excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"" They say, ""No! Wales, Wales!"" ""Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?""" +28372,1,"Social media in a nutshell Instagram: ""I'm so pretty"" LinkedIn: ""I'm so good at my job"" Twitter: ""I'm so funny"" Snapchat: ""I'm a dog""" +28373,6,If life gives you melons You might be dyslexic +28374,3,What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer? A milk sheikh. +28375,1,"New Shiny Shoes An Italian bachelor buys a new pair of shiny shoes, and decides to head out on the town to show them off. Once he's at his favorite swing dancing club he begins looking for women to dance with. He finds a beautiful blonde and asks her to dance. She agrees. ""How about a bet?"" He asks the blonde. ""Okay."" She replies. ""If I can tell what color panties you have on, you have to give me your number."" She laughs but agrees. While they're dancing the man looks down at his shoe and sees a purple reflection. ""Purple!"" He shouts. She jumps back bewildered. ""How on Earth did you know?"" ""A gentleman never reveals his secrets."" He hands her a piece of paper and a pen. She writes down her number and hands it back to him. The man then moves on to stunning a brunette, and asks her for a dance. Again, he asks her ""How about a bet?"" ""What kind of bet?"" She asks ""If I can tell what color panties you have on, you have to give me your number."" She rolls her eyes but agrees. While their dancing the man looks down at his shoe and sees a green reflection. ""Green!"" He shouts. The brunette laughs and takes out her own pen and paper. She happily writes her number down and stuffs it in the man's front pocket. The man, feeling cocky now, makes his way over to the most gorgeous woman in the club, a fiery redhead. He asks her to dance and she gladly obliges. After a while of dancing he looks down at his shoe and lets out a shriek. The redhead asks him ""What's wrong?"" ""Please tell me you're not wearing any underwear!"" He asks her. ""No, why?"" ""Oh good! I thought I had a crack in my new shoes!""" +28376,5,If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA .. He will be rolling in his grave +28377,6,Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan? Because there's a target on every corner +28378,0,If my wife ever bought me a rabbit I'd thumper +28379,0,"Two blonds having a conversation about pity sex ""A guy talked to me in a bar and said he only has a couple of days to live and he would really like to have sex with me.... So I pittied him and we mad passionate love all night long. It's been 3 months now and he's still alive!"" ""Really? How come???"" ""I guess I must have saved his life!?""" +28380,0,Climate change. But why is this post here? Because politicians believe climate change is a joke +28381,2,"Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one. Break their bone, they have 206." +28382,1,What if the ice bucket challenge Was just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West? +28383,2,my wife Ruth My wife Ruth left me ... now im Ruthless . +28384,1,"A repost walks into a bar Bartender says ""shit, you again?!""." +28385,3,Who says Fyre Festival was a failure? Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions. +28386,4,"Unemployment at its best! An Israeli doctor says: ""In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."" The German doctor says: ""That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."" The Russian doctor says: ""Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."" The American doctor laughs: ""You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"" " +28387,0,NSFW: what does Mc Donald and Popes have in common? They both love to stuff kids +28388,1,How do you get a book to stop closing on you? You break its spine... +28389,2,What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels +28390,0,"What's Harry Potters favourite way to get down hills..? Walking... JK, rolling.." +28391,0,Why did the fisherman’s vehicle get stolen? Because it was a bait car +28392,4,"Called my local sperm bank clinic to know what's the best time to pay them a visit. They said, “Whenever you feel like coming.”" +28393,4,What blood type does Taiwanese people have? Taipei. +28394,1,Ten bucks says You don’t owe me ten bucks +28395,2,Whats the difference between your mom and your girlfriend? Your mom is real. +28396,3,"[On an aeroplane] Pilot: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet in the air. Me: There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this plane. Wife: You never take a break, do you?" +28397,0,"If I were in high school again, I'd register as a licensed therapist. Then listening fives times a week would finally payoff. " +28398,1,There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. +28399,2,"Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it... I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils." +28400,0,My father entered a fishing competition the other day... He came first plaice! +28401,0,"Anal sex is like brussel sprouts, I haven't had either." +28402,0,"SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Would you like your receipt? Customer: No, thank you. i don't want any evidence that i've eaten here." +28403,0,"Little Timmy had problems with quitting on sucking his thumb Then one night his father got an idea and said to little Timmy -If you don't stop with that finger sucking, you will get as fat as Uncle Sam! That got him to stop immediately. Didn't do it ever again. One day at the buss with his mother, little Timmy saw pregnant women on the other side of the bus. Not knowing what being pregnant was, he went up to her and said. -I know what you did is not allowed, but it feels good, right?" +28404,1,"A man sits anxiously in the waiting room of a hospital while his wife is giving birth. After a while, the doctor walks in with a big smile on his face, holding the baby. He suddenly trips, dropping the baby. He then proceeds to kick it a few times, grabs it by the arm and smashes its head on the wall. He finally rolls the remains into a tiny balls and slam dunks it into the waste basket. He then notices the father watching in horror. 'Oh, don't worry, I was joking, it was a stillborn.' " +28405,1,What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a marsupial and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift. (I'll get my coat) +28406,0,Needed bbq sauce Went to the grocery store needed bbq ask the clerk. Guy told me A-1? I couldn't find that alley so I just picked up some ketchup +28407,2,Why were the Romans so bad with algebra? They always ended up with X equals 10 +28408,3,A giant porn conspiracy has been uncovered.... It was run by the illuminaughty +28409,0,How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil. +28410,0,So a blind priest fucks a dwarf... ...because he can't tell the difference. +28411,0,Why did the rose stop dating the sunflower? She only saw him as a frond. +28412,0,"A man walks into a bar Okay, seriously all I see in this subreddit are reposts, told hundreds of time, always getting a thousand or so updoots. Can we please fix the state of this sub?" +28413,0,"An old guy An old guy with his 80's went to the doctor for a check up. Doctor asks -How is your life going on how do you feel? Man replies: - Everything perfect. I feel great. I just married​ with an 18 years old. And you know what she is pregnant. Doctor nods his head and - Let me tell you a story. - there was this guy who enjoys hunting deers with his gun. That day he took his umbrella instead of the rifle. He saw a nice deer just behind the woods , aimed and bum. Deer was shot felt to the ground. The old guy shouts - Come on that's not possible someone else should have done it. Doctor: - You are absolutely right!" +28414,0,What's Donald Trump's favorite album? The Wall. +28415,0,What do you call a totalitarian ruler made of potato and shaped like a penis? A dick-tater (not mine - the 14 year old's. I'm quite proud.) (edited to fix typo) +28416,2,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero! +28417,1,"My wife said... ""If you saw me drowning in a river, would you save me?"" I said, ""Of course I would. You're my darling, my wife. What about me - would you save me if you saw me drowning in a river?"" She said, ""No."" I said, ""Well, why not? After the reason I gave you!"" She said, ""I was drowning because I couldn't swim.""" +28418,0,I like to play with yo-yos. It's the only thing that ever comes back to me. +28419,0,If Donald Trump becomes President.. even you can surely achieve anything +28420,1,"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's *tearable*" +28421,4,"A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus. An angel descends and tells them ""Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."" To the Irishman, the angel said, ""Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drinking. We will tempt and test you to make sure you abstain."" He agrees. To the Greek, the angel said, ""You engage in perverted sexual practices. You can come back to life only if you remain celibate. We will test you to make sure you comply."" He agrees. To the Jew, the angel said, ""Your vice is greed. You can come back to life only if you reform your avaricious ways. But you will be tested."" He agrees. As the three resurrected men are walking down the street, they pass a bar. The Irishman resists. They pass a second bar. He resists again. They pass a third bar, and the Irishman can't resist any longer - he runs toward the bar and instantly disappears in a puff of smoke. Frightened, the Greek and the Jew continue walking. The Jew spots a penny on the ground, and is able to resist picking it up. Then it turns into a quarter. Still he resists. Then it turns into a dollar. He wavers, but still resists. It turns into a five. Nope. It turns into a ten. Nope. It turns into a $20 bill. He bends over to pick it up, and both him and the Greek disappear." +28422,0,How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow? Hand them a shovel. +28423,0,The best name to have is... Al Right Cause in the the worst case you're still OK. Unless you were injured and are trying to get help from random strangers. +28424,3,What do Wolverine and Caitlyn Jenner have in common? They're both Ex-Men +28425,0,The world’s fattest woman died today after a tragic skydiving accident. Her family say she’ll leave a huge hole. +28426,2,Why did the gay man go to Iran? He heard the gays there were hung. +28427,0,"Christmas presents I said to my wife, ""I'm just getting you something small this Christmas."" She said, ""Ooh, Is it underwear?"" I said, ""Are you fucking deaf, I said something small.""" +28428,2,"Two brothers, one good, one bad, go the Heaven. John the good brother sees his brother Tom walking with a gorgeous blonde and carrying a jug of whiskey. He runs up to him and asks how he ended up with a jug of whiskey and a gorgeous blonde after a life of debauchery and drunkenness. John's sad reply was, ""the jugs got a hole in it and the blonde doesn't."" " +28429,0,Why'd the dog cross the road? Cause he's a dog. +28430,0,What is a muslims favorite animal? His lamb +28431,1,"As a young man, I never really understood insanity. Until I got married." +28432,1,"What did the audience say about the virologist's set at the comedy club? He had an infectious sense of humor, but needed to work on telling his jokes at a less feverish pace." +28433,10,"A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest. “No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”" +28434,0,What's the first thing Darth Vader does when he takes his helmet off? Taking a breath. +28435,0,"I asked Yoda for his opinion of the play Les Miserables ""Lame is.""" +28436,1,What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Smells like carrots. +28437,0,What came first? The chicken or the egg? The chicken cuz eggs can’t cum. +28438,0,Why does everyone hate peppers? They always get jalapeno business! +28439,0,I wonder What happens when doctor's wife eats an apple a day? +28440,3,I just ate a watch... ... It was time consuming. I'm thinking of going for seconds. +28441,1,What happens when a bottle of water walks into a bar on a hot day? It gets drunk. +28442,3,"I had a blind girlfriend who was both rewarding and challenging It took me ages to get her husband's voice right You didn't see that coming, neither did she" +28443,1,Why doesn’t Trump like Turkey? Too much dark meat. +28444,0,A grammar nazi walk into a bar and berates me. +28445,1,"I went to the Canary Islands...... No Canaries, I went to the Virgin Islands........................................................................still no Canaries." +28446,0,Did you know there's this mushroom... There's this mushroom that if you fill up on once you will stay full for the rest of your life. Your very short life. +28447,2,"Do you ever wonder what happens to your luggage once you checked it in? So does British Airways. 160 Destinations, Over 90 Countries Worldwide. Could be in any one of them." +28448,0,If you are not in bed by 10pm. You might as well go home. +28449,3,What crappy thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday? A 'turd' +28450,0,"A german walks up to a Nazi Recruitment Center He asks a guy standing outside where he can get more information on joining, to which he replies, ""You would need to *see Kyle* at the front desk""" +28451,3,"I'm 29 years old today... ""I'm 29 years old today,"" said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday. Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone... ""Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday,"" says the man on the line. ""Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."" ""No,"" says Carl. ""He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."" (based on a true story)" +28452,4,"When people have sex... When three people have sex its called a threesome, four people have sex is called foursome, I guess you can call me handsome" +28453,0,What is a similarity between an anorexic and a vacuum cleaner? They only eat once a month. +28454,0,What did the Japanese student say to his trigonometry professor on the last day of class? Arigato cosine master. +28455,0,Dad's old joke: What's the difference between a duck? One of its feet are both the same. +28456,0,What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common? They both shove their old meat between 8 year old buns. +28457,1,Why is it okay to make fun of David Copperfield? Because Copper is refined by Roasting. +28458,3,I hated the amputation ward. Let's just say I'm never stepping foot in there again. +28459,0,What would you call Chewbacca in his first year of MLB? A Rookie Wookiee +28460,0,"I saw Kim Kardashian walk into the Subway I work at, order five sandwiches, and walk back out holding all of them. I wasn’t surprised. It’s not the first time she’s taken several footlongs at once." +28461,1,"The first thing I’m gonna say on January 1, 2021 is... Hindsight is 2020." +28462,4,A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written. The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name +28463,1,Why is it called a dictatorship? Because there's a dick in charge. +28464,2,Whenever I undress in the bathroom... My shower gets turned on. +28465,3,What does an Alabaman and yeast have in common They’re both inbred. +28466,0,"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb Three, one to beat the bulb for being broke, one to beat the room for being black, and one to delete the footage. " +28467,2,"What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit? I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent." +28468,1,My ex said having sex with me was like the recent Kilauea eruption Energetic but short lived +28469,5,My wife is talking about wanting to have children. I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom. +28470,2,credit card vs wife Police : Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police : Then why are you reporting it now? Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it! +28471,7,KID : What are condoms used for? DAD : To avoid such questions. +28472,2,Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south? It's where they make Arctic Terns. +28473,0,What's the worst thing about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven. +28474,0,"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff Bah Dum Tisssss" +28475,0,"What did the gay penis say to the vagina? eh, I don't really wanna go into it right now." +28476,1,"A redneck is driving a back road in Alabama... ... when he sees a pickup parked alongside the road with a grill next to it. A sign says ""Chicken Breasts and Beer."" ""Lord Almighty!"" He exclaims. ""My three favorite things!""" +28477,0,What do you call a white man with a story? A kale with a tale +28478,1,"I think when people talk about the ""funny bone"" they must mean the spine Because after my sister broke hers she never laughed again." +28479,2,Behind every successful man is a woman Chasing him. ;) +28480,2,What do you call a lizard that has trouble having sex? A reptile dysfunction. +28481,0,"Jesus loves Peter After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. ""Peteeer....,"" he called through painful breaths, ""Peeteerr...."" Peter, the must loyal of all Jesus's follows, jumped in shock. He began to run toward Jesus. ""Yes my lord?"" Peter replied. But as soon as he began to get close the Romans roared, ""NO!"" and viciously chopped off poor Peters Legs. Peter, wallowing in pain, heard his messiah call him again, ""Peeetteeer... peeter,"" growing more faint with each call. So once again Peter tried, crawling with his arms... pulling as hard as he could. Suddenly, more sharp Roman swords fell upon him. They took his arms this time, leaving him limbless. But as he lay there, face down in the mud, Peter heard the Son of God once more, ""Peeteer"" So Peter rolled this time with all his might, reaching the bottom of the cross, ""Yes my lord, Yes, Yes,"" he screamed with anticipation, ""how can I serve you?"" And in his fading breaths, whimpering and quiet, Jesus replied, ""Peeter... Peter... I... I can see your house from here!""" +28482,1,"A naked woman goes into a cab The cabby stares at her and the woman sneered "" What? Never seen a naked woman before?"". The guy replied, "" I'm just wondering where's the money you're going to pay me.""" +28483,4,"A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed. He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital. A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: ""I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"" The man replies: ""look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?""" +28484,2,I called the Rape Advice Line earlier today. Turns out it's only for victims. +28485,0,Measuring temperatures to three significant figures is overrated 1 significant figure is 0K +28486,0,If a sheep is a ram And a mule is an ass How come a ram in the ass is a goose? +28487,2,What do you call a spy that sell apples? An in cider +28488,0,What's Super Mario's favorite type of jeans? Denim Denim Denim +28489,1,"Fishing tickle In the window of a hardware store was a sign inscribed 'Fishing Tickle.' A customer drew the proprietor's attention to the spelling. 'Hasn't anyone told you of it before?' asked the customer. 'Oh, yes,' the proprietor responded placidly, 'many have mentioned it. But whenever they come in to tell me, they always buy something.' " +28490,6,"I was having dinner with my boss and his wife. She asked ""How many potatoes would you like?"" I said, ""I'll just have one please"". She said ""It's OK, you don't have to be polite."" ""Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore""." +28491,5,"If you miss your ex Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again" +28492,2,Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there. +28493,0,"Some chuck norris jokes When chuck norris does push ups he doesn't push himself off the ground, he pushes the earth away from him When chuck norris left his home as a young adult, he told his father: ""Now you are the man of the house."" Chuck norris doesn't eat honey, he chews bees. Chuck norris was received by his aunt, because no one dared to f*** his mom. " +28494,3,"[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old... Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?" +28495,1,Yo momma is so fat she butters her cigarette. +28496,1,How does Donald Trump start his favorite joke? Two Corinthians walk into a bar... +28497,1,Like Mexico winning a FIFA World Cup game against Germany... No body expected the Spanish inquisition +28498,0,"Jesus is a shoe thief Two boys were climbing a tree for fun. One was named Joseph, the other, Jesus. The tree was really dense and tall, but the boys managed to climb down once the sun began to set. In the ground, Joseph noticed he had lost his shoes somewhere in the branches, way up high. Jesus immediately offered to climb it again and recover his friend's shoes. Hours passed, and Jesus hadn't returned. Joseph couldn't see him, so far high he was. It was then that a priest came along the road and saw Joseph yelling ""Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!"". Admired, the priest said: ""It's sad to say this, my child, but it's uncertain when Jesus will come back. Could be today, could be in a hundred years. It's no use calling."" Joseph, clearly upset, said: ""Motherfucker robbed my shoes""." +28499,0,"One doctor saved all the foreskins of circumcisions he did. After 35 years he retired and told his wife he was going to make something out of them. After a week he showed her what he'd made, a wallet. ""That's all you got from 35 years?"" He said ""yea but when you rub it a few times it turns into a suitcase.""" +28500,3,Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey? She was feeling Goofy at the time +28501,0,"A man walks into a bar... And orders 7 shots of Jack Daniels. The bartender turns away for a moment and all the shots are all gone. ""Wow! You drink fast!"" The bartender says. ""You'd drink like that too if you if you had what I have."" The man replied. ""What do you have?"" The bartender asked. ""An iPhone 7."" The man replied. ""I see."" The bartender smiled. ""That explains the 7 missing Jack.""" +28502,0,What did the person with a headache say when people tried to steal his crop? It's migraine! +28503,2,"A guy on a speed date with a woman Guy: Hello! I am John. Nice to meet you. Girl: Nice to meet you too!! I am Jane. What do you do for a living, John? Guy: I am an Astrophysicist. Girl: OMG!! That's so cool. I am a Gemini.. (Happened in real life, so can't take credit for it)" +28504,4,"swearing parrot joke A man bought a parrot. But sadly, it's previous owners used some really nasty words, and the parrot didn't stop swearing! so the man yells at the parrot, takes away it's food, and threatens to lock it in the cupboard. but the parrot doesn't shut up, so the man locks it in the cupboard. it swears even more. then he locks it in it's cage and sticks in in the basement alone, and it starts screaming obscenities. So finally the man locks it in the freezer. the parrot starts screaming a rich blend of some of the nastiest words at the top of his lungs... and suddenly lets out a piecing screech and goes totally quiet. the man takes the parrot out of the freezer the parrot says ""ok, ok. I will never swear again."" the parrot says ""but can I ask one thing?"" the man says ""sure"" so then the parrot says ""what did the chicken do?""" +28505,0,If someone talks shit behind your back... just fart. +28506,0,Knock Knock. Who's there? Trump's knees after the leaked audio. +28507,1,"[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness. Stevie says, ""I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go."" The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try. ""Ok"" she says, ""it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will have to take off your clothes."" Stevie says, ""I'm willing to try anything"" and takes off all his clothes. The doctor says, ""now, this is going to sound even more strange, but for this to really work, I will also have to take off my clothes."" Stevie thinks for a moment and says, ""well, I'm happily married, but if it means I'll see again, sure, go ahead, doctor."" She takes off all her clothes as well. ""And next,"" the doctor says, ""this is the strangest part, but I assure you, it is necessary for the procedure to succeed. While I perform the surgery, you will have to wear these nipple clamps and anal plug."" Stevie hesitates, but in the end, says, ""I trust you, doctor, whatever is needed, let's do it. I very much want to see again."" So the doctor puts a pair of nipple clamps on Stevie Wonder, and inserts an anal plug into his rectum. Then she performs the surgery on his eyes. It takes hours. Just as she finishes the procedure, at that moment, his wife walks in and sees him in this compromising position with the doctor and screams. Stevie says, ""I know what this looks like!” Made this one up about a year and a half ago but forgot about it until just now. " +28508,1,What is watching pornographic anime on a screen with 5 angles called? A hentagon. +28509,3,"A vegan, a bitcoin trader, and someone who didn't vote in 2016 election all walk into a bar Who tells you about it first?" +28510,2,Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read? Because it's re-fined! +28511,1,"Billy asked our Astronomy teacher a simple question today... ""Mrs. North? How big is Uranus?"" Billy was sent to the office..." +28512,0,"A chef is training his sous chef and he's showing him around the pantry. ""Here's the beef stock, and here is the chicken stock"" Says the chef. ""What's with the clown?"" Asks the sous chef. The chef replies; ""That's the laughing stock."" " +28513,4,What did one paedophile say to the other? Swap you two fives for a ten +28514,3,Why do melons always get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe! ^^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^^so ^^^^^^^sorry +28515,0,"TIFU by yelling out the wrong name during sex At the moment of passion she yelled out "" Austin"" and I went ""Phillip"" " +28516,2,What's the diffrence between a... What's the difference between a hockey player and a feminist? After three periods the hockey player takes a shower. How do you confuse a feminist? Tell her that you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich. +28517,0,"At a family BBQ party, grandma was smiling. I asked her, ""What's so funny grandma?"" She said, ""All these people here are alive because I got laid"". Then little johnny said, ""Well the jokes are on you grandma, because next time you get laid......... it will be in your coffin""" +28518,0,How do you explain something to a stupid lemon? You explain it in laymon’s terms +28519,2,"How many flat earthers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they couldn’t figure out what shape it was" +28520,1,I'm starting an anti-feminist cryptocurrency Who's willing to buy some FitCoin? +28521,4,"Did you know Spock has 3 ears? His left ear, his right ear and the final frontier" +28522,1,Alabama isn't upset in the least that the state is ranked dead last for education because . . . . . . they can't read the rankings anyway. +28523,2,Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. +28524,4,"Deaf Sex Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times." +28525,1,"A secretary walks into Churchill's office ""Mr. Churchhill you are drunk!"" he replies: ""And you are ugly, but tomorrow i will be sober.""" +28526,3,"Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store. He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head. Store manager runs over and ask ""can I help you with anything!"" Blind man says ""no thanks, I'm just looking around.""" +28527,1,"I saw a guy on the Golden Gate Bridge, about to jump. I thought I'd try to stall him. I said, ""Don't do it!"" He said, ""Nobody loves me."" I said, ""You're not the only person who isn't loved. Besides, you're forgetting about God. Do you believe in God?"" He said, ""I use to believe in God."" I said, ""That's good. Were you a Christian or a Jew?"" He said, ""A Christian."" I said, ""Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"" He said, ""Protestant."" I said, ""Me, too! What franchise?"" He said, ""Baptist."" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"" He said, ""Northern Baptist."" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"" He said, ""Northern Conservative Baptist."" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?"" He said, ""Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist"" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"" He said, ""Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"" He said, ""Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."" I said, ""Die, heretic!"" And I pushed him over. *As told by Emo Philips.*" +28528,1,Why was the programmer eating carrots? So that he could C# +28529,1,Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way. +28530,3,Why did the pedophile go to WalMart? Children's clothes were half off! +28531,3,I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating But he didn't take the hint +28532,0,A man wants to leave his wife He thinks a riddle is a good way to bring up the idea Man: Whats the hardest part of being a single father? His wife catches on and says “Probably child support and alimony.” The man replies while locking the door. “Close! Buts it’s much harder to hide a body. Probably cheaper too.” +28533,3,"Hey man. Did I tell you yet? Tell me what? My donkey died bro. Damn, really? Yeah bro. Deadass." +28534,3,"A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months. After she wakes up the doctor says ""stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."" The mother is worried ""Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"" The doctor says ""He named the girl Denise"" The mother looks relieved ""well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"" ""Denephew""" +28535,1,I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth Because they think that Fair is Foul and Foul is Fair. +28536,1,They say neurology is hard But i'm not afreud of it +28537,0,"Someone once told me ""You're pretty gay"" But I stopped listening after ""You're pretty""" +28538,1,How is making love in a canoe like American beer? They're both fucking near water. +28539,0,Annoyed condom Why was the condom annoyed? It got pissed off +28540,2,North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present. I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy. +28541,3,"The first time I got a universal remote control... I thought to myself, ""This changes everything.""" +28542,1,"Legitimate question, what's that canine constellation called? [SIRIUS]" +28543,2,what's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. +28544,2,I created an dating app for marionettes and it failed! They were all looking for No Strings Attached. +28545,1,"I got mad because my girlfriend´s brother called her a bitch infront of me. She: Why so angry?. He doesn´t mean it. Me: Exactly, that´s why." +28546,2,What's a KKK member's favourite coffee? Dark Roast. +28547,2,"Little boy asks a farmer ""how do you tell the girl pigs from the boy pigs?""..... Farmer says ""By their pigtails""" +28548,6,"Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere." +28549,1,How long was Florence Nightingale in prison for? She spent a Nightinjail +28550,0,I bought my wife a webcam for Christmas... I’ve always wanted to fuck a porn star. +28551,1,Zero has spotted Solid Snake. He's now the one. +28552,0,What do you call an Irish person that just got beaten up? Mashed potatoes. +28553,0,I got a hair cut the other day. I just wish the Barber cut more than 1! +28554,3,"I saw a dwarf escaping prison yesterday, and as he was climbing down the outer fence he turned and sneered at me. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending. " +28555,5,What's the only prize that Gaston won in Beauty and the Beast? The No Belle prize. +28556,0,"An Auschwitz prisoner walks in on his friend masturbating with a bar of soap He quickly averts his eyes and shouts ""What are you doing? That's nasty!"" His friend looks up and says ""I'm fucking your mom""." +28557,0,"What is something hard, goes into mouth and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum." +28558,1,"A Russian guy named Yuri, opens a new national company. It's called Urination." +28559,1,What lightweight material are hispanics made of? Cabron fibre +28560,5,Friend: What the fuck is Minecraft? Me: Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting. +28561,3,Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs? In a communest. +28562,5,What do you call a red headed ninja? A Ginja +28563,1,What's one thing women have in common with Pi? Both are irrational. +28564,2,"As Good As Her Sister Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, ""I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."" ""I don't think I have ever heard of that one,"" says the other cowboy. ""What is it?"" ""Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.""" +28565,0,Good Friday is called Long Friday in Finnish I guess time passes slowly when you're being crucified. +28566,1,"A man is on his way to work, and he's running a little late. Right as he gets to the end of a bridge, he passes a police car and realizes he's speeding. The lights go on behind him, and he pulls over. The officer walks up to his window and says, ""You were doing fifteen over, sir, what seems to be the hurry?"" The man responds, ""I'm terribly sorry officer, but I'm late for an appointment with a patient."" The officer says, ""A patient? What are you, a doctor?"" The man says, ""Well, sort of. I'm a Rectum Stretcher."" ""A Rectum Stretcher!?"", exclaims the cop, ""What the hell is a Rectum Stretcher!?"" So the man explains, ""well, I lube up a pinkie, and I work it in to my client's anus and I loosen it until I can get two fingers in, then I keep working until I can get three, four, and finally my entire fist."" ""Oh my Lord"", says the officer, looking slightly disgusted, ""and people pay for this?"" ""Oh, absolutely"", says the man, ""but it doesn't stop there. See, after I get one fist in, I work with my other hand until I can get both fists in, and then I slowly keep going until their rectum is four, five, sometimes even six feet wide!"" ""Jesus fucking Christ!"", exclaims the officer, ""What the fuck would anyone want with a six foot asshole!?"" ""Well"", says the man, ""You could always give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.""" +28567,0,What does it mean when they're flying the flag at half mast at the post office? They're hiring. +28568,3,"Interviewer: ""I heard you were extremely quick at math"" Me: ""yes, as a matter of fact I am"" Interviewer: ""Whats 14x27"" Me: ""49"" Interviewer: ""that's not even close"" me: ""yeah, but it was fast"" " +28569,0,Why wasn't the police surprised when he saw a kidnapper kidnapping a kid and running away? Because it was a running gag. +28570,3,"A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked allowed, “God, did you really make all of this?” A man was admiring the mountains around him one day when he asked aloud, “God, did you really make all of this? Are you really out there?” To his great surprise, God answered, “Yes, I did.” The man was so astonished that God was speaking to him that the only thing he could think to ask God was about time. “God,” he said, “what is 10 million years like to you?” God replied in a measure that the man could understand. “It’s about like a minute.” The man was amazed. He then asked God, “I bet money is nothing to you. What’s 10 million dollars like to you?” God replied, “it’s about like a penny.” Seeing an opportunity here, the man quickly began to ask God, “would you please bless me with a penny?” God replied, “Sure! Let me get it. I’ll be back in a minute.” Edit: Didn’t catch the wrong “allowed” doing voice to text. Whoopsie." +28571,0,3 men walk into a bar Ouch +28572,0,Definition of a waste Definition of a waste... A bus load of lawyers on their way to a convention went over a cliff and they all died. The waste? There were some empty seats. +28573,6,"Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at the school today Dad: Punch him in the face. Son: But he is so cute." +28574,2,"Best he ever had A guy gets out of prison after serving 10 years and decides he is going to the whorehouse the very 1st thing. When he arrives, he is greeted by the old Madame who tells him she is sorry, but all of her girls are on holiday and she is the only one there. The man is very distraught, but the Madame tells him not to worry, she'll take care of him for half price there is only one condition. She pops out her glass eye and tells him he'll have to stick his dick in there to get off, she's too old for him to be jumping on her. The man thinks about it and decides what the hell, it's been 10 years and she is a WOMAN after all. They get busy. The man is amazed,it is the best lay he's every had. He pays the Madame and tells her he'll be back to see her soon. Her reply? I'll keep an eye out for ya!" +28575,2,They told me I had Lexiadys when i was a kid.. But I couldn't understand what they were trying to tell me! +28576,0,"The times are truly changing. Gone are the days you could say ""Black, paint"" Now you have be politically correct and say ""Excuse me, Mr blackman, can you please paint my fence""" +28577,5,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all die and are supposed to go to heaven However, they have all sinned in their lives, so they are kept at the base of the 100 step stairway-to-heaven. God comes to them and says ""All of you have commited sins that cannot be forgiven, so you must face a trial if you wish to enter heaven. Every step you take on this stairway, I will tell you one joke. If you laugh once, I will send you to Hell"" They agree, and begin the trial. The brunette goes first. She manages to stifle her laughs until the fourth step, until she loses it, so God sends her to Hell. The redhead goes after. She can't even make it through one joke without laughing, so God, disappointingly, sends her to Hell. Finally, the blonde goes. Somehow, she doesn't laugh at all at the jokes, managing to take every step easily. However, when she reaches the very last step, before God even says his last joke, she begins laughing hysterically. God waits for her to calm down before asking why she was laughing, and she responds: ""Sorry, I just got your first joke"" EDIT: So apparently this was posted last week. Sorry on my behalf, and I'm not trying to avoid responsibility when I say I didn't know. I think I'll avoid this sub in case I repost something else, in future." +28578,0,"What do you call a big, dumb, slow guy who cuts down trees? A lumbering oaf." +28579,0,What does 90s tv have that you don't? Friends. +28580,2,I bought some shoes from a Drug Dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day +28581,1,"A little math joke 6 made a new friend. He yells, ""Yo 7, 8, check this out!"" 7 and 8 rush over, but see nothing there. ""What the fuck is this?"" 7 asks. 6 replies, ""What do you mean? This is my new friend, -1. He's a radical guy.""" +28582,0,"Why would someone name a dog ""pistachio""? Because they're nuts" +28583,2,"What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy? Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around." +28584,2,"Two melons were in the supermarket When one exclaimed to the other “Let’s run away from this place and get married!!” The other one replied “Honey I do want to, but you know I can’t elope”" +28585,0,I once dated a girl who was quite transparent.. I'm not sure what I saw in her. +28586,0,"I have a hangover and asked my friend what to do. He told me that if I stick my finger and throw up it should help me get better... I couldn't throw up, I still have a hangover, and now my finger stinks like shit." +28587,2,"So a woman consults a lawyer saying that she wanted a divorce... Lawyer: Do you have grounds? Woman: Yeah, we have an acre and a half L: No, that's not what I meant. Look, do you have a grudge? W: Yeah, we have one for 2 cars behind the house L: No. Look lady, does your husband beat you up? W: No, I get up about a half hour before he does L: Why do you want a divorce? W: Well, we seem to have a communication problem... " +28588,1,"John 7:53 OUTTAKE As Jesus sat down at the temple to teach some of the people, a group of scribes and Pharisees confront him. They bring a woman accusing her of adultery and ask him whether the punishment for someone like her should be stoning: ​ Jesus: ""Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her"" \\*woman gets hit hard right on the forehead with a big rock\\* Jesus: ""NOT YOU, MOM!""" +28589,0,Who does a frog call when his car breaks down? A toad-truck. +28590,2,What do you call numbers that constantly move? Roamin’ Numerals! +28591,3,What do you call receiving oral while eating a steak? Fellatio Mignon. +28592,0,For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts. +28593,9,Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him. He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer. +28594,2,My girlfriend just left me because I'm too kinky in the bedroom… I nearly choked on her shit when she told me… +28595,1,I'm pro abortion. Not to be confused the pro choice - I just don't think anyone should be born +28596,0,How do you know if a girl is hungry or horny? Give her a cucumber and see what hole she puts it in. How do know if she's hungry & horny? When she sits on the cucumber and then eats the pickle. +28597,0,I would'nt dare use a body deo in a train in germany apparently an axeman was shot dead. +28598,5,"I almost got fired last night... I was at my boss’s house for dinner and his wife asked “how many potatoes do you want?” I said “I’ll have 1 potato” and she said “it’s okay you don’t have to be polite”. I said “Okay, I’ll have 1 potato you stupid bitch”." +28599,3,"A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” Asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”" +28600,0,A Jamaican walks into a bar. He loses the limbo competition. +28601,6,I sleep better naked... ...why cant the flight attendant understand that? +28602,2,Where do aliens go fishing? In the galax-sea +28603,1,"A man finds an odd looking lamp on the ground one day... The man picks the lamp up and rubs it, and to his surprise, a genie flies out. ""I will grant you one wish, and one wish only"" The man thinks, "" What could I ever wish for, I have a great life."" The genie says to the man, "" Life might be great now, but the odds may be against you, your future may be uncertain"" The man thinks for a while, ""Ok then, let me see my future"" ""I must warn you"", the genie replies,""Once one has seen their future, it is bound to change, you see, one one sees their own future, it will never, ever happen"". The man, thinking of himself as quite cunning, then asks the genie,""Fine then, oh wise genie, I wish to see the way in which I will die"" The genie then says,""oh, you are a clever one aren't you, if you know how you will die, you have seen the future, by seeing the future, it will not happen."" The man, feeling proud of himself, exclaims, ""Well?, tell me how I die then"" The genie waves his arms about and says some words in a strange language, ""You, young man, will die of old age at the age of 97"" The man replies, ""shit""." +28604,2,I came across a lion in the jungle I quickly cleaned him up and then ran off +28605,2,I only lost 1.6 lbs while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy. I guess I'm not as full of shit as I thought. +28606,2,What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer +28607,0,What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything +28608,0,Restaurant worker jokes How many cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 86 LIGHTBULBS!!! How many servers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. That's not their sidework. #2 How many cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. But the rest of the cooks stand around and watch as they explain how they did it at their last restaurant. +28609,0,"The lions birthday party The lion makes a party and every animal is invited except the hamster. The hamster goes to the rabbit and hast him if he can bring him to the party. The rabbit response:""No sorry if the lion would find out he would eat me."" So the hamster goes to the bear and asks him and the bear agrees. Later at the lions party the lion walks up to the bear and asks him what he has in his pocket. Nervously he starts emptying it. ""My phone, my keys... he punches with his paw on his pocket ""And a picture of the hamster.""" +28610,0,"Baby Balloon Baby Balloon cannot sleep so wants to get into bed with Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon. He goes into Mummy & Daddy Balloon’s room, wakes them up and asks but Mummy & Daddy Balloon say ‘sorry Baby Balloon, there just isn’t enough room for you in here with us. Go back to your own room and try to sleep’. Disappointed, Baby Balloon goes back to his own room, gets into his Baby Balloon bed, tries to sleep but cannot. All of a sudden, Baby Balloon has an idea. He creeps back into Mummy & Daddy Balloon’s room. Mummy & Daddy Balloon are sleeping so to make room in the bed Baby Balloon lets a little bit of air out of Mummy Balloon, lets a little bit of air out of Daddy Balloon, and lets a little bit of air out of himself. It works. Now with room in the bed, Baby Balloon quietly snuggles in between Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon and can sleep. In the morning Baby Balloon wakes and can see Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon are not happy. ‘Baby Balloon,’ Mummy Balloon says, ‘we’re not impressed by your actions’. Daddy Balloon weighs in, ‘Baby Balloon, we want you to really think about what you did last night. We’re very disappointed. You’ve let your Mummy down, you’ve let me down, and most of all you’ve let yourself down’. " +28611,3,I went to a drag race yesterday It's amazing how fast men can run in heels. +28612,2,My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number. I wonder what she’s up to now. +28613,1,I was wondering why my laptop saying Hello And Hello And then I remembered.... It's a dell +28614,2,Why couldn’t the dog sell his house? Because he couldn’t get out of his leash. +28615,0,Whats the difference between everyone and planes? Everyone misses twin towers. +28616,2,What’s the difference between R Kelly and greyhound racing? Greyhounds usually wait for the hare. +28617,1,Sex is like singing I only do it when Im alone. +28618,5,Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer? General Mills +28619,2,What do you call a farmer in the army? E.I. G.I Joe. +28620,2,"Chinese PI A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: ""Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee.""" +28621,2,"From my 11yo son: ""What's a pizza's favorite number?"" One Sicillion." +28622,5,What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck +28623,4,"Bill's mom and dad want to have their own private time... Bill's mom and dad want to have sex but their son is always around.They come up with an idea and ask Bill to go to balcony and report everything happening in the neighborhood. They start to have sex while Bill reports. ""Miss Humphrey is going to office."" ""Daniel is working at his garden."" ""and umm..Mr.Bob is painting his window."" ""Dave's mom and dad are having sex."" Bill's mom and dad stop right away and his dad asks from the bedroom,""How do you know that?"" Bill says,""Dave is on the balcony.""" +28624,0,What do Jewish Kamikaze Pilots Yell? PONZ-AAAAIIII! +28625,0,"Dracula woke up after 1000 years and were super hungry He need fresh blood, thus he travels to all religious places in hope to feast on virgins. He made it to Tibet, and were met by the Dalai Latma. They fought for 5 days, but the Latma failed to fend him off, and he feasted on the whole monastery. He then travelled to Scientology headquarter in the States, and he were met by Tom Cruise. After a gruesome 15 days battle, Tom Cruise died and Dracula feasts on the whole church site. He finally travelled to Vatican, feeling all mighty and powerful. The pope was afraid to meet him, and he invited Chris Hemsworth over anyway since he seems reliable. 30 days later, Dracula starved to death." +28626,5,"A teacher calls her first grade class in from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, ""Sally, what did you do at recess?"" ""I played in the sand box."" ""Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."" So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. ""Billy, what did you do at recess?"" ""I played in the sand box with Sally."" ""Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."" So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. ""Mohammed, what did you do at recess?"" ""Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!"" ""Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie.""" +28627,3,I just got out of a really bad relationship with a communist. But I should have seen the red flags. +28628,4,"Three Bedoins are arguing over a will... Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third. All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued over who got the remaining camel, and the rest of the tribe grew tired of their bickering. Eventually, the rest of the tribe got together and insisted they submit to the wisdom of the Wise Man. So the three brothers travelled with the camels across the desert for many days, before they arrived at the wise man's tent. They told the man their predicament, and he stroked his beard. ""Let me think"" he said, and disappeared into his tent. The brothers camped.down formdays on end, each barely speaking, and just as they were about to give up hope, the wise man appeared again ""I have a solution for you"" he said to.the brother's great relief "" But first my fee. For.my services, I charge I camel""" +28629,1,What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera? A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots. +28630,4,"As a musician, I hate the key of E minor. It gives me the E-B-G-Bs. " +28631,3,"A doctor gets pulled over for speeding... A doctor is rushing to work and speeding over a bridge. A police officer sees him, and promptly pulls him over. ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" ""I don't have time for this, I'm a doctor and needed desperately by a patient."" ""A doctor, eh? What do you do that's so important you need to do 90 on a bridge?"" ""I stretch assholes."" ""You stretch assholes? What do you mean?"" ""Well, I work in a finger, then two, then a hand, and just keep stretching until they're about 6 feet."" ""What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!"" ""Put them on a bridge with a radar gun.""" +28632,1,Knock knock. Who's there? Early punchline Early punchline who? ...... +28633,0,"What did the Australian get after having unprotected sex with a cheap, drug addict, hooker from Reddit? Opioids" +28634,1,"A truck driver working a long nightshift gets halted by a green man in the middle of a deserted road. The driver slams on his brakes an gets out of the truck ""What the fuck are you doing?!"" He screams, The green man replies: ""I'm from Mars motherfucker, I'm gay as fuck and I'm hungry, now give me some food or your ass will be sorry!"" Quite startled, the truck driver hands over his midnight snack and POOF the green man disappears into a ball of smoke. The truck driver doesn't know what to make of it but decides to continue his trip. A few miles further, a bright yellow man jumps in front of the truck forcing the driver to slam the bakes once again. The yellow man screams: ""I'm from Venus motherfucker! I'm gay as fuck and thirsty, now gimme something to drink or your ass will be sorry!"" Again, scared the driver hands over his supply and the yellow man disappears into a ball of smoke. Continuing his drive, he's starting to think he has gone insane, he's now hungry, thirsty and pissed! Suddenly a bright blue man appears on the road halting the truck. The driver just had enough, he jumps out the car, gets face to face with the blue man and screams, ""let me fucking guess motherfucker, you're not from around here, are you? I'm quite sure you're fucking gay as fuck and I guess you people just want to fucking bleed my dry, so tell me, what the fuck do you want?!"" To which the blue guy responds: ""licence and registration please""" +28635,2,"A woman goes to confession with a big smile on her face ... She tells the priest that she and her boyfriend just had sex 10 times in a row. The priest says ""I want you to go home, squeeze the juice of 10 lemons into a cup and drink it."" The woman says ""Will that absolve me of my sins, Father?"" The priest replies ""No, but it'll sure take that bloody smile off your face."" " +28636,0,"The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘quickie’ with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities... ...“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: “An ambulance just drove by!” “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike!” “Looks like the Sanders are moving!” “Jason is on his skateboard!” After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!” Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”" +28637,0,What do you call a Chinese fanatasy series? Lord Of The Chinks +28638,1,What do you call a fisherman who is good at geometry? A master angler. +28639,1,What is the best vitamin for a Christian? B1 +28640,2,"My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.” Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire." +28641,2,Why Do Midgets Laugh When They Run? ...Because the grass tickles their balls. +28642,4,"Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims: >""I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."" The second man, even more wrinkled and without even one strain of hair, laughs out loud and replies with a slight chuckle: >""What a fool you have been, wasting all that time. I have reached my monumental age of 102 through abstinence and a strict diet of soy beans and water. I may have missed out on feasting but it was certainly worthwhile."" Suddenly a third man appears. He is wrinkled to the point of having his eyes hidden under thick flaps of skin. Leaning on his big walking stick he unleashes a neighing, hardly recognizable as a laugh and begins to speak in a slow, grainy voice: >""You both have wasted your life! I have for my whole life taken every kind of drug there is. I have slept with uncountable amounts of women. I have smoked three packs of cigarettes on every day of my life. I drank as much beer as I could. Yet, I still live after all these years and that with all the pleasure I could accumulate. You both have wasted your time."" The other two men are visibly astounded and quickly ask in Unison: >""For how long have you lived? It is obvious that you must be older than the both of us."" The third man smiles and answers: >""For 26 Years""" +28643,4,"My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. " +28644,0,What did the big black knee say to the little black knee? you have a lot of knee growing up to do +28645,0,"A leper walks into a bar... And takes a seat. The bartender, looking slightly squeamish, comes up and asks him what he'd like. Knowing his condition, the leper says: ""I know how I look, if you don't feel comfortable serving me, I understand."" And orders his drink. Bartender says: ""No, not at all. I've seen it all. I'll grab your drink."" The bartender serves him, then goes to the back, looking very pale! Eventually the leper finishes his drink, and is about to order another, when he sees the bartender visibly puking his guts out in the back, occasionally looking over at the leper. When the bartender gathers his nerves and comes back to help the leper, the leper says to him: ""I told ya, if I grossed you out, you should've just told me, and I'd have been on my way!"" The bartender, shaking his head, leans forward and whispers in his ear: ""It's not your image that made me puke. It's just, for the past 5 minutes, the drink next to you has been doing his crackers in your neck!""" +28646,0,How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from. +28647,3,Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives +28648,1,"Two friends at lunch A man was out to lunch with his friend one day. The man was expaining to his friend how he had been exploring and studying different methods of healthy eating and its effects on your body. ""After all,"" he said, ""you are what you eat."" The man sat down at a table with a salad, a lite vinaigrette dressing, and a small unsweetened green tea, while his friend had a fried chicken sandwich, a large Coke, and fries with some extra salt on the side. As they were about to dig in to their meal, the man realized he didn't grab a fork for his salad. As he was off getting his fork, his friend, playing a prank, dumped some of his extra salt into the man's tea. The man returned, sat, and took a sip of his tea and gagged instantly, spitting the tea all over the table. Immediately furious, the man snapped ""what the hell did you do to my tea?"" The friend answered the question with a question: ""Didn't you say that you are what you eat?"" The man's expression shifted from anger to disappointment. ""If so, then this prank must've made you a little salt-tea""" +28649,5,"Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills. News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth. Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921." +28650,0,"sweet potato fries ...could be made from sweet potatoes, or they could just be really awesome potato fries." +28651,1,"Growing up is a lot like getting drunk The more depressed you are, the younger you start You spend the whole time ignoring your responsibilities It’s expensive as fuck You make only bad decisions You wake up feeling like shit and wondering how you got there Eventually you end up in AA And then you die." +28652,0,"Pun war I want to have a pun war about geography. I had one on another site the other day, and just want to see what you guys came up with. It could be a country pun Andorra city pun. Go. " +28653,1,What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in? A rehearsal +28654,2,How do you make a dead baby float? -2 scoops vanilla icecream -2 scoops baby -Add rootbeer and serve +28655,0,Why couldn't Jesus catch the pretty caterpillar? He had holes in his hands. +28656,5,"A guy approaches a girl at the library.... He asked her, ""Can I sit next to you please?"" The girl replied in a loud voice, ""I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!"" All the students in the library was staring at the boy and slowly moved to a corner with his head low in embarassment. The girl then comes up to the boy and whispers, ""I study psychology, so I know what a guy is thinking. I guess you felt embarassed, right?"" The boy shouts out very loudly, ""$200 FOR AN HOUR??? THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH!!!"" All the people in the library was looking at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered into the girl's ear, ""I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty!""" +28657,1,"A man goes up to a beautiful woman... and says: ""You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. How about we go back to my place, eat some pizza, and fuck?"" She responds with an awful gasp and glare, which he responds: ""What you don't like pizza?""" +28658,3,My wife left me for being arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in. +28659,0,What do stoner mermaids smoke? Seaweed. +28660,0,It's the day after my birthday and I feel like an idiot. Probably because I was born yesterday. +28661,0,Pornographic Magic Cards! I'd tap that. +28662,1,"I was in my car driving back from work... A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone." +28663,1,Do old people wear boxers or briefs? Depends +28664,4,"My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too cocky and arrogant. I told her, ""Close the door on your way back in.""" +28665,1,What's the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck? There is a human being inside of Donald Duck. +28666,3,Why are North Koreans always sad? Because they are Seoulless +28667,0,What do you call a Chinese kid playing college football? A wok on. +28668,0,We need a new name for the Bible. How about: DIY Salvation +28669,0,I went in to get a haircut earlier and struck up a conversation with my hair stylist... She told me that she dreaded getting off later because her dishwasher was broken and she had a mountain of dishes in the sink. I left out of there really confused because she looked completely fine to me +28670,0,My neighbours' dog has metal b*ll*cks and no back legs. Sparky- they call him. ​ His last dog had no legs at all- he named that one Woodbine. We'd often see him taking it for a drag. +28671,0,What should you do when your fence starts falling over? Repost +28672,2,"One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: ""that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.'' Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: ""A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."" Last another woman says: ""Father I have given a Blowjob.""The priest has not yet encountered anything like this and excuses himself for a moment. He walks up to the sacristan and asks: ""what does the bishop usually give for a blowjob?""The sacristan replies: ""He usually gives me two chocolate bars.""" +28673,4,What the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid. +28674,3,"Explosives Mother: ""How was school today, Bobby?"" Bobby: ""It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"" Mother: ""Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"" Bobby: ""What school?""" +28675,0,George Michael... Come on guys give me your best George Michael jokes... +28676,0,I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel And he would be sure to get the black vote. +28677,1,My chicken transitioned today. Now it identifies as 'dinner' +28678,7,"A husband and wife were having a bad day. They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there. At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up early for work.” He went to sleep and all was well. The next morning he woke up and immediately realized something was wrong, he was too rested for comfort. He looked at the time and panicked because it was already 9. He ran to his wife and asked why she didn’t wake him up. She glanced at the table. Next to his note was another one. He opened it and it said “wake up, it’s 6 A.M.”" +28679,1,What is the most useless job in the world? The line workers responsible for making BMW turn signals +28680,2,You have to lettuce go. We don’t want to romaine here anymore. +28681,0,What did Dee Snider say he wanted for Christmas? I WANNA ROCK +28682,2,Someone cut off 8 of my fingers... But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected (Credits to Mitch Hedberg) +28683,3,What do you call a poor Italian neighborhood? Spaghetto +28684,0,What color would various after-meal hog-shaped candies be? Depends on the pig-mint. +28685,1,I am starting a new career as a “redneck rapper”. Call me Lil Nas-car! +28686,9,"Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous. " +28687,1,"A wife and her sick husband go to the doctors office for a visit... The doctor is running his usual tests, and sees something unusual come up on the results. Doctor, while looking at the results, says ""Excuse me sir, may I talk to your wife privately for a moment about the results?"" The husband obliges and walks out of the room. Doctor tells the wife, ""Here's the deal. Your husband can only survive if you give him sex WHENEVER he wants it. Morning, night, all day, doesn't matter. You have to give it to him if he wants it."" The wife says ""okay."" They call the husband back into the room, and the doctor leaves. The husband says, ""So, what'd he tell you?"" ""Doctor says you're gonna die.""" +28688,1,"How many people from Donald Trump's team would it take to change a lightbulb in the Oval office? 11. Donald, on his desk, holding the lightbulb in place. 10 morons rotating the desk" +28689,0,"A man and his wife are walking down the road when they see Police Officer Ed It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, ""Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?"" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, ""It looks like rain."" The wife looks at the sky and says, ""But there isn't a cloud in the sky."" Officer Ed doubles down, ""It's definitely going to rain."" The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, ""Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear.""" +28690,3,What do you call a Russian Get-together after 50 years? A soviet re-union. +28691,3,"Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday. It's all baroque now." +28692,0,"Monologue Joke Today, a 99 year old man from England became the oldest person in history to beat cancer. When asked how he felt about the record, he said ""what?""" +28693,4,"*Cowboy walks into a saloon and approaches the biggest guy there*, “What’s yer name partner?” “My names Terry.” He replied. “Terry?! That’s a girls name!” Poor Nameless Cowboy. Died from dissin’ Terry." +28694,1,Did you hear about the house that lesbians built? It's all tongue in groove. +28695,0,"I’m devastated I’m absolutely devastated that none of the members of Led Zeppelin are made of Led, in the same manner, why aren’t any of the members of Pink Floyd pink? It’s really pissing me off Edit: I know Led is spelled Lead" +28696,2,"If some last names were an ancestor's profession (Baker, Cobbler) How do you explain Dickinson?" +28697,0,The funniest joke I have EVER seen on /r/funny You. +28698,4,"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The barkeep says, ""you've got a steering wheel in your pants."" The pirate: ""Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"" Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke.." +28699,4,What do you call an IT Teacher who touches his students? A PDFile... +28700,1,How many feminist does it take to change a light bulb? Feminists can't change anything. +28701,0,"JOKES ALL ROUND. Comment your favorite and funniest joke in the comment section. (And yes I guess I kinda am trying to be a comment whore, it's just that I just started on Reddit and it's just so fun to get replies, have fun :)" +28702,0,WHAT DO THE TEENAGERS CALL...... What do the teenagers call the Asian red light district? Vachina Town +28703,2,"It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one! That's right, Death!" +28704,2,A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog. It is a shihtzu. +28705,0,What happens when you put a d in a weebs face You get a Dweeb +28706,0,How long is Jared Fogles dick? A footlong. +28707,3,"Is that a gun in your pants, or are you happy to see me? Both, now get in the van." +28708,2,Bob and Mary are single residence in a nursing home care facility. Every night Mary goes to Bob’s room and Jacks him off before bed. One evening Mary goes to Bob‘s room and sees that Margret is in there doing what she considered to be her job. Mary calmly walks out unseen. The next day at breakfast she confronts Bob. “I went to your room last night and Margret was at your bedside instead of me. What does she have that I don’t”?. Bob swiftly replies “Parkinson’s” +28709,2,Wanna know what's the most racist game ever? Chess. They never EVER let Black go first. +28710,1,Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says dam +28711,3,"A man was walking in a park when a young lady approached him. She exclaimed, ""I know you — you're the father of one of my kids!"" The gears started turning as the man tried to recollect where he met her, ""Oh are you that chick I fucked in Atlanta City in that orgy in that seedy hotel while I was on a business trip? I think you were the one that kept asking to be spanked."" ""No, I'm Timmy's 4th grade teacher.""" +28712,0,What's white and has black spots a dalmatian +28713,0,What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding? Cantelope +28714,0,"Watching porn is usually not easy. In fact, I find it pretty hard most of the time." +28715,0,"A pilot was told to transfer mad people from Texas to Mexico..... he agreed and carried them in his plane. Every place was so noisy. Later one of the mad men approached the pilot and said ""please, can you teach me how to fly the aeroplane""? The pilot replied, ""I will teach you how to fly if you will tell your friends to stop making noise .""(He thought the mad man couldn't do it) The mad man went in, after some minutes, the plane was silent as if an angel had had just appeared. After some time the mad man came back and told the pilot that everywhere was cool now. The pilot became happy and asked ""how did you calm them down?"" The mad man replied, ""I opened the door for them and told them go and play outside!"" The pilot fainted..." +28716,0,This girl kept saying how Brits drank too much tea and how she hated it. But she didn't seem too happy when I took her tea shirt off. +28717,0,When my mom shares the story about shaking hands with Ronald Reagan ... #nsfw I inform everyone that. 1) it was when he was an actor 2) that wasn't his hand 3) she didn't get the part +28718,2,What will Trump’s favorite sport be this year in the Winter Olympics? It’s gonna be LUGE. +28719,2,What do a walrus and a ziplock bag have in common? They both like a tight seal. In honor of the guy on the front page that ruined his dick by putting it in a bottle. +28720,0,"Army joke I am in the army and we have an officer who is so blend that we call him ""General Anesthesia"" !"" He likes it because we added ""General"" instead of ""Major !""" +28721,0,What do you call a hedgehod who is an actor? Quill Smith +28722,0,"G-flat major We stood in church preparing to sing. I leaned toward my wife and whispered, ""This hymn is a full council block."" She whispered back, ""What do you mean it's a council block?"" ""Well its got six flats."" . . . The bruises are beginning to heal." +28723,5,NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia? When you both become stiff. +28724,0,"I swallowed a calculator today, it’s what’s inside that counts." +28725,1,Success is like farts... You only tolerate your own. +28726,0,Wanna hear a political joke? Lincoln Chaffee +28727,0,What did President-Elect Trump ask Bill Clinton? So... When do the interns get here? +28728,5,Grammar Nazis no longer exist Their called the Alt-Write now +28729,2,I was raised by horses I had a pretty stable childhood +28730,2,What's E.T. short for? His little legs +28731,0,Did you hear? Prostitutes are accepting card. You can now Tap and Go while you Tap and Go. +28732,1,"I am a normal guy, I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know why! " +28733,2,When ants are sick What do ants take when they are sick? ANTibiotics. +28734,3,"Cure for a bad temper. A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. The Doctor asks: ""What's the problem? The woman says: ""Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."" The Doctor says: ""I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: ""Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"" The Doctor says: ""The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick""." +28735,0,"I like my women, like my coffee Ground and boiled to perfection ." +28736,4,The only thing flat earthers fear. Is sphere itself. +28737,2,"What runs around a soccer field but never moves? A fence. Credit: Leftover Laffy Taffy from Halloween. #157 Julie D., Boise, ID " +28738,0,"An elderly snake couple dies in a horrific traffic accident. Their grown children, while planning the funeral, learned they had to have a closed-casket service. ""Will we be able to tell which is which?"" asked the oldest snake daughter. ""Of course,"" said the snake funeral director. ""They're hiss and hearse.""" +28739,0,One day at a Klan rally some drunk brown guy accidentally walks in.. some would say what happened next was sikh +28740,1,Halloween in Alabama What do people in Alabama do during halloween? Pump-Kin +28741,0,Had a fight with a Moroccan once We went **FEZ** to **FEZ**. +28742,1,How does a redneck get a circumcision? He kicks his sister in the jaw +28743,1,"OK so this Asian doctor get on a plane... I'd tell you the rest, but it just **drags** on and on." +28744,3,What first tipped Darth Vader off about the Millennium Falcon? He found their lack of freight disturbing ^^May ^^the ^^Fourth ^^be ^^with ^^you! +28745,1,I can't find my gun I exclaimed as I rifled through my drawers. +28746,4,"One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?” The other says, “No, why?” “There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”" +28747,3,What do you call a caveman strolling through a park? A meanderthal. +28748,1,What did the half-Japanese half-Italian man say when he was handed a bowl of pasta? Arigatoni. +28749,2,"I listen to Anti-Piracy videos... Now, I steal cars AND movies." +28750,0,What's the difference between a dept. store Santa and a male prostitute? I've never been employed as a dept. store Santa. +28751,0,"Family dinner Me: What are you bringin me food from the enemy! I was fighting in the Front rows for ronald, in a long war, you know? Dad: how can you be a Vietnam veteran you're only 20 and not even american. Also we are eating from Burger King isn't that very american? Me: yeah i was fighting as a front cashier for Ronald McDonald." +28752,0,"A cure? So a doctor says to his patient, ""I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you have AIDS."" ""Oh, no!"" says the patient. ""What do I do now."" ""Well,"" says the doctor, ""first thing is take a trip to Mexico. Eat all you want, and be sure to drink plenty of water."" ""Will that cure me?"" asks the patient. ""No,"" says the doctor. ""But that'll teach you what your assholes's for.""" +28753,3,"I had a threesome last night There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time." +28754,8,"Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, ""I can make the boss give me the day off."" The man replies, ""And how would you do that?"" The woman says, ""Just wait and see."" She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, ""What are you doing?"" The woman replies, ""I'm a light bulb."" The boss then says, ""You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."" The man starts to follow her and the boss says, ""Where are you going?"" The man says, ""I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."" " +28755,2,Bartender: no! We don't serve tachions here! A tachions walks into a bar. +28756,1,"I told my grand kids that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle... So they unplugged my computer and threw out my bourbon.." +28757,0,How does SpaceX organize their missions? They planet (plan it) +28758,0,I have a friend called Vetica. He enjoys using bad fonts and prays to the devil. I told him to go to Hell Vetica. +28759,0,What do you call a woman who's a whore and a liar ? Holier +28760,4,What’s a priests favourite chord on a guitar A minor +28761,2,A conversation Over the Walkie talkie. Girl: Our relationship is over. Guy: our relationship is what over. +28762,0,"Me: I'm off tomorrow. I'm getting a huge package delivered. Friend: Oh that's great, what's his name?" +28763,0,"Everything England has accomplished has been bettered by other nations - rugby, cricket and now at football... Even the Russians have better hooligans than us." +28764,1,"The Future went to the hospital... ... with his wife, Past, as she was due to deliver their new baby. As the contractions got closer and more intense, the door bursts and there stood Present- out of breath from having run from the parking garage and soaked with sweat. “I got here as fast as I could, dear- I wouldn’t miss the birth of our son for anything! Have you told your husband about us?” Looking at Present, Future incredulously replied, “Get out of here you mad man! Yes- she’s told me about your constant harassment! It’s true, we had trouble in our marriage! And, YES, your affections reminded her of what it felt like to be wanted. But, she long ago turned those feelings towards our marriage- and this child is the result of OUR passion! At that moment, Past let our a shriek and gave her final heaving push to bring the young child into the world. As the medical staff and assistants stood shocked, looking at the two men. One things for sure, no matter who’s baby it was- it was a little Tense." +28765,0,Why did the raisin leave her husband? He was a sultana. +28766,8,"I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God. I've never seen one before, but I have faith." +28767,0,"When I lost my virginity it reminded me of my first football game when I was 6 years old I was tired and very sore, but at least my dad was able to come." +28768,1,I really support gay men They're something I can really get behind +28769,3,"I am addicted to Reddit, my son is too... The doctors say it's hereditary." +28770,1,"So I was going through my brothers search history, when I found 'Pieces of gum kissing' I guess its pretty aspar-tame" +28771,5,Jokes on reddit are like US presidents. They used to be dark but now they are pretty racists. +28772,0,My first football game was like my first time having sex. I was sore and bruised by the end but at least my dad came! +28773,1,What was Hitler's least favorite sauce? Jus +28774,2,Why did Janeen eat her test? So she could pass it later... +28775,1,I can't believe I wanted to be an obstetrician... I can't even deliver a joke. +28776,2,My Jewish girlfriend wasn't too enthusiastic about anal .. Until I showed her how much we can save on condoms ... +28777,1,What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon? Jurassic Pork. +28778,2,What makes a good father? Daddy-cation +28779,1,Guys I failed No Nut November I watched Shrek this morning +28780,0,"Sir Francis Bacon walks into a bard... ""Sorry Bill.""" +28781,1,"Starbucks One morning John walked into a Starbucks to grab a coffee before work. As he was walking in the door he noticed an old man sit down, pull a small, finely-wrapped box out of his backpack and place it on the table, then go about eating his breakfast. Well obviously Johns curiosity got the better of him and he approached the old man. What do you have there? Asked John. The old man turned his head and said: Sonny, ever since I was a child, I’ve been carrying around a gift in case I ever meet the president. Well have you ever met any of them? Asked John. The old man chuckled and said: only twice my dear boy. Well how did he react? John asked. Not very well, old Donald didn’t seem to appreciate the condoms or the diet pills. Ungrateful Bastard." +28782,0,"Cowboy walks into a saloon and stands next to a gay gent On the hottest day of the year a big cowboy enters a saloon and stands next to a gay man at the bar. The barkeep asks what he'll have? ""Gimme whatever you have on draught. I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls right now!"" The gay guy next to him then began to moo..." +28783,5,"Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop.. A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.'" +28784,0,"I asked my dad for $50. He replied ""WHAT? Why do you need $40? when $30 is clearly enough. Here's $20 and give $10 to your brother" +28785,4,"A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. ""Read it?"" he says, ""I *know* the guy!""" +28786,3,"I'm going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for Secret Santa. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself. (heard at work) " +28787,1,I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do It sucks +28788,1,Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? Cause he's dead. +28789,0,"The Thief In a big company, a boss was informed that one of his workers was known for stealing. The boss immediately told one of his guards to keep and eye on the worker. The next day, the 'thief' was pushing a wheelbarrow full of rubbish out the door. ""Wait just one minute"", said the guard. He looked through all the rubbish but could not find anything stolen, so he let the worker pass. The day after, this happened again. The guard searched through the rubbish, but did not find anything. This went on for a whole month, until finally the guard told the boss about the worker. ""He has not been stealing at all. He has only been taking out rubbish."", said the guard. ""Alright"", said the boss, ""but we have a much more bigger problem. Somehow we have managed to lose 30 wheelbarrows!""." +28790,0,"Did you know that in any given group, only 9/10 of people understand basic math? The other 3% doesn't." +28791,0,What breast size do pirates prefer their women to have? Somewhere in the high C’s +28792,0,What was the most comfortable empire? The Ottoman Empire +28793,0,"The makers of ""Jiro dreams of sushi"" are in the midst of making a sequel. it's title ""Jiro nightmares of ass-rape""." +28794,3,"Why are so many lawyers drunks? They already passed the bar once, they don't want to do it again." +28795,3,"When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper. But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras." +28796,1,"A woman was having a shower When the doorbell rang. ""It's me, the blind man."" And she didn't open the door because she has public decency and doesn't stop her showers for strangers." +28797,0,I used to be addicted to soap But now I'm clean! +28798,5,What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love? Yeah you like that you dirty pore? +28799,0,Bloody Good Question How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. +28800,1,What do golf and sex have in common? They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them +28801,0,"Sex jokes - Anniversary A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: - Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. - Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? - Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? - Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? - Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?" +28802,3,"A man enters a grocery store... He buys: - An apple - A peach - A pretzel - A carton of milk - A jar of jam - A bottle of Coke - A chocolate bar The female cashier looks at him and asks with a big smile: “You’re single, right?” The man answers nicely: “Yes I am, how did you know?” She answers: “Because you’re ugly as fuck.”" +28803,0,Why are bodybuilders the best the best partners? Because with them it always works out. +28804,1,I found out NVidia have made a new sun cream I hear it will have more shader cores +28805,0,Back in the day I used to work a dead end job from a paycheque to paycheque. Now I work a dead end job from a direct deposit to direct deposit. +28806,2,"A midget is in prison plotting escape He waits til night, and throws a rope over the wall and climbs over. As he’s climbing down, a guard notices and thinks, “That’s a little condescending.”" +28807,4,My mom used to tuck me in every night. She really wanted a daughter. +28808,0,What do you call an obvious accordion? An ofcourseion +28809,0,What do you call an illegal alien? Pablo! +28810,0,"A Canadian and Italian are in the kitchen preparing dinner... (*use stereotypical accents*) The Canadian reaches into the pot with a fork and sticks a piece of pasta. As he brings it to his mouth it slips off the fork, bounces across the kitchen, and rolls down the stairs all the way to the basement. Astonished he looks to the Italian and says ""Wow, that was a far fall eh?"". The Italian looks back at him bemused and replies ""No, it was a Linguini!""." +28811,0,Two books walk into a bar... Or at least they tried. Couldn't afford the cover. ​ +28812,0,Went down on my girlfriend... I went down on my girlfriend only to realize that she was on her period. Boy was there egg on my face. +28813,3,Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a frozen lake. They weren't talking so I decided to go over and break the ice. +28814,1,I've never liked the flavor of cranberries.. the bitter taste *lingers* too much. +28815,2,What do you call a Russian napkin....... ....... a soviet +28816,1,"A tourist is shopping at a market in Mexico He goes up to a vendor and struggles to communicate with the shopkeeper, who eventually pulls out an apple. ""Disfrutan mucho los turistas"", the vendor says while smiling. The tourist stops and thinks for a second, and then responds with ""No, dis fruit an apple"". " +28817,3,The login input fields spend the night at a hotel. Password stays for breakfast. Username checks out. +28818,0,I don't trust Trump for the same reason I dont trust JFK I can't trust a man without a brain. +28819,3,Ive spent years searching for my ex-girlfriends killer... But nobody will do it! +28820,0,"People say I enjoy death too much, but that isn't true. I only like it when they have life insurance." +28821,4,What do japanese men do when they have erections? Vote +28822,0,You know what they say about people with big feet They have big shoes +28823,3,"I broke my finger last week On the other hand, i'm ok" +28824,1,They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Job done! +28825,3,"A dad was washing his car with his son After some time the son turns to his dad and asks him: 'Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?'" +28826,2,"A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest says to God ""excuse me, but you gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe, but I only got a wood staff and cloth robe. There must be some mistake"" God responds, ""No, I don't make mistakes. When people were riding with the cab driver, they prayed. When they were with you, they slept""" +28827,0,Velcro?! What a rip off!! +28828,2,"WALKS INTO A BAR... SEXY LINCOLN An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, ""Going to a party?"" ""Yeah, a costume party,"" the man answers, ""I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."" ""But you look like Abe Lincoln,"" protests the bartender. ""That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.""" +28829,0,"Told by my Gross Anatomy professor. (not related and a little long) It was the 1918 world series between the Red Sox and the Cubs. The Sox had a famous pitcher name Mel Famie. He was renowned all over for his tremendous calm under pressure. The bottom of the ninth, the Sox are all tied up and the count is empty. The first batter is up and Mel calls a time out. He walks to the dugout and quickly drinks 3 beers and heads to the mound. First pitch, ball one. Second, ball two. Third pitch, ball three. Fourth, runner take your base. Again Mel calls a time. He heads to the dugout chugs 3 more beers, heads to the mound. First pitch, ball one. Second, ball two. Third pitch, ball three. Fourth, runner take your base. Two runners on first and second. Mel again calls time, heads to the dugout, three beers, back to the mound. First pitch, ball one. Second, ball two. Third pitch, ball three. Fourth, runner take your base. Bases loaded, Mel heads to the dugout. He drinks three more beers, back to the mound. Next up is the Cubs clean up hitter, Isiah Delafield. Mel winds up, the pitch, ball one. Second pitch, ball 2. Third pitch, ball 3. Final Pitch of the series, ball 4. Delafield takes his base and Mel walks in the winning run. The Cubs win the series. After the game, the press tries to interview the visibly drunk Mel, but he walks off. As the reporters catch up to Isiah, he is asked his opinion on what happened out there and how the Sox fell apart. Delafield replied, ""I think it was the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.""" +28830,3,"I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow. Me: ""I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."" Her: ""He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."" Me: ""I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"" " +28831,0,Tomorrow will be better than perfect 11/10 +28832,0,Our Marriage Was Like Magic. I Put A Ring On Her Finger And... Suddenly a chastity belt appeared. +28833,0,Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. +28834,0,You never get a pregnancy scare with a 10/10... but the 6 is always extra fertile +28835,2,"When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with Posh Spice. Cost my parents a lot of money to buy all that saffron." +28836,2,What do you call an elephant dressed as Darth Vader? An Elevader! +28837,1,"A traditional british man is in a pub with his american friend The pub allows indoor smoking and he asked his tourist friend ""Mind if I blow a fag?"" The american tourist responds, ""I thought you'd never ask me."" The brit lights a cigarrete and the American says ""I'll meet you in the washroom."" He waited there all night. " +28838,3,"An infinite number of mathematics walk into a bar... The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says ""Y'all need to learn your limits.""" +28839,0,"Hey Zobrist,why don't you make like a hash function... And fuck 'em all up!" +28840,1,"Recently, I watched a movie where the protagonist died from testicular torsion Didn't really expect that twist" +28841,0,So I'm fucking this girl in the ass. So I was fucking this girl in the ass and I'm like fucking her and fucking her and fucking her then I'm like damn girl when I cum I'm gonna cum all over your face your ass your tits just fucking everywhere............so then she's like damn isn't that a bit to presumptious of you then I'm like damn girl isn't presumptious to big of a word for a 5 year old. +28842,2,"People have asked if I pee when I take a shower And the answer to that question is ""yes, yes I have"", to which I usually get a look of disgust from them. But I can't help it, I simply can't hold my bladder when I'm taking a shit." +28843,6,"A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes...... So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside. On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there. She said “Hey I’ll bet you, if I can guess how many sheep you have in this flock, how about you give me one? “Ok” he said, “give it a try.” She stood in the seat and surveyed the flock and said “You have 347 sheep!” The farmer was amazed as he had exactly 347 sheep. He told her to pick her one out, and picked a really cute one. As she was putting it into her car. The farmer said “Wait a minute, how about if I can guess what color your hair really is you give me my dog back?”" +28844,0,"little Johnny was having a shower with his mom and saw her pussy and asked her ""mom what is this line between your legs"" the mom didn't want to tell Johnny that it was her pussy so she said ""it's an old knife hit"" little Johnny said ""WOW it came in the center of your pussy'" +28845,1,Where would Superman's family live on a vacation? Host - EL +28846,0,What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her +28847,6,"Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant and Jesus says to the waiter: -- Table for 26 please. -- But there's only 13 of you? -- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side." +28848,1,"... a Buddhist Monk goes into a Zen pizza parlor & says, ""Make me one with everything."" The Zen Monk goes, ""very funny... that'll be $16."" The Buddhist gives him a $20 bill. The Zen monk puts it in the till and walks off. The Buddhist monk says, ""Hey where's my change?"" The Zen monk calls back, ""Change comes from within.""" +28849,0,Ironman is a superhero Iron woman is a command +28850,3,They all laughed at me when I told them I would one day discover the secret to invisibility If only they could see me now +28851,1,Being attacked by three armed men is really unfortunate but at least they didn't have four arms +28852,0,"There's three rings of marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the fingering " +28853,2,"A boy walks in on his parents having sex... ... And asks them what they are doing. The Father replies ""we're making a little brother or little sister for you to play with. The boy responds ""well then you two should be fucking doggy style because I'd rather have a puppy""." +28854,0,What do you call an attentive wolf? Aware wolf +28855,1,I named my horse Mayo Because Mayo neighs +28856,0,What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tenish +28857,7,My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies. +28858,1,I’m opening up a store called “Hole Foods” that sells donuts And also the orifices of various animals +28859,1,NSFW. What’s the difference between purple and red? The grip! +28860,2,Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees! +28861,1,What's the difference between a white supremacist and Heroine? I thought twice about shooting heroine +28862,9,The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand. +28863,0,Why are octopuses so dangerous? Because they TENTACLE. +28864,1,"Is Google male or female? Female, because it never lets you finish a sentence before making a suggestion ^might^be^a^repost..." +28865,1,Bombing Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system. Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.. +28866,4,"The rope joke A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, ""Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"" The second guy laughs and says, ""You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?""" +28867,3,"I had my hepatitis test today.... I did pretty well! I had one A, two B's, and a C! Edit: word" +28868,2,What's long and hard and makes mom jump into bed? Her day. +28869,0,"Can I major in Life Hacks? Why not, I've already got two degrees that could be less useful." +28870,0,"Last death of 2016 : My phone screen Yeah it really happen, but it's a joke because actually my phone is a nokia, so you see the irony of the thing" +28871,0,I never understood Plato's dialogues... It's all Greek to me. +28872,0,"What poem do guys love, but their girlfriends hate? Ode to the Fortnite-ingale" +28873,1,What did one octopus say to the other? Let’s hold hands and hands and hands and hands and hands and hands and hands and hands +28874,0,I introduced myself to a refrigerator... At first her response was cold. +28875,3,A guitar player was panicking because he couldn't play his open strings His instructor told him don't fret +28876,4,My wife accused me of being immature I told her to get the hell out of my fort. +28877,4,"A pregnant woman was in line ahead of me at the store... Out of no where, she starts giggling. I asked, ""Are you okay, ma'am?"" ""Oh yes, I'm fine. My baby just told a joke."" ""A joke? Seriously? What did it say?"" She replied, ""Oh, I'm not sure you'd get it. It was an inside joke.""" +28878,5,"An 18 y/o Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months Worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying. The mother says, ""Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"" ​ The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: ""Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."" ​ ""I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."" ""Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"" ​ At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, ""You fuck her again.""" +28879,2,"A man invites his Jewish friend out for lunch Upon arriving at the restaurant, his friend says ""I'm not sure I can eat here. Is Burger King kosher?"" The man waved his hand dismissively and says ""Don't worry, it's Burger King: Have it Yahweh.""" +28880,0,What do you call the urine of a Cuban revolutionary? Che's whiz +28881,1,Why did the cup fall over? Because it was drunk. +28882,1,"2 hunters decide to bring their friend on a trip 2 hunters decide to bring their friend on a trip to hunt. A couple of days before the trip their friend asks them for some tips about hunting but they said they can tell him once he is out there. The day comes and they all fly out to go hunting. They set up camp and decide to hunt the first thing in the morning. The friend asks again for some tips and they reluctantly tell him to just follow the tracks and boom! you shoot. Day 2 comes along and they decide it’s too rainy to go hunting but 1 of the hunters decides he will go and suss out the land. After an hour or 2 he comes back with a big buck, the friend asks again for tips on how he shot it. Hunter 1 then says “I followed its tracks and boom I shot it.” Day 3 comes and it’s a beautiful day, all three come out and the friend decides he will follow hunter 1 around to try to learn the ropes. After a few hours of nothing they decide to give up and head back to camp where hunter 2 was waiting with another big buck. The friend asks for anything that can help him land his first big buck like the other 2. Hunter 2 says “I followed its tracks and boom I shot it!”. The friend was getting pretty annoyed but he decided he needed to go out by himself and learn first hand. Day 4 comes around and the 3 decided to split up and meet back at camp around 5pm. They head out and after a day of hunting the 2 hunters come back and both have another huge buck. They wait for their friend to show him what skilled hunters they are. 5 comes and then 6, 7, 8. The friends are very worried about their friend but then he comes rustling through the woods with his own massive buck, way bigger than the others but he is limping and all cut up. They ask him what on earth happened to him. He begins by telling them about his long hunt to find the tracks and he finally found them. He said he even had to ask a cab driver for how to get there. The hunters both looked at each other confused but they decided to hold their questions until after. He said while he was their he saw the buck and shot it. Other 2 then asked “well what happened before that?!? You are clearly hurt really badly, also where the hell were you?!?” The friend then says he got the cab driver to drive him to the tracks and while he was out their he remembered what they told him. So after a few minutes of following the tracks he looked up and BOOM! He got hit by a train. " +28883,4,"(The joke from ""The Breakfast Club"" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, ""I suppose you won't be needing a drink,"" to which the woman responds, ""I sure as hell do, after what happened to me."" The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, ""My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with his giant sausage, so I grabbed both those things and got the hell out!""" +28884,0,"Yea. You may be a winner... but you'll never be a ""deaf guy playing charades"" winner." +28885,0,"Presidential race Obama decided to have a little game.The game is to circle The White House as fast as tou can,so Obama invited Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump to spice things up with their rivalries. Donald Trump goes first and finish in 17.23 seconds,Obama goes second and finish 13.12 seconds,Hilary goes last and finish 10.02 seconds. Everyone was exhausted,Hilary said ""Wow,my record must be the highest"", Obama laughs and said "" No,Bush did 9/11"" (Sorry if you've seen this joke,it's just hilarious.And sorry for any grammar errors,I'm from Uranus)" +28886,3,How is imitation like a plateau? *They’re both the highest forms of flattery* +28887,0,AMA: US government thinks I am an ET dealing drugs Because I am an illegal alien. +28888,0,I had sex with a paraplegic girl. I had sex with paraplegic girl. I fucked her in the ass so hard until she prolapsed and shit all over my feet. Hotel? Trivago. +28889,3,"I talked to my schoolteacher friend the other day. She’s a schoolteacher in San Diego. On the first day of school, she asked all of her first graders how many of them were San Diego Charger fans. Of course, all of her kids raised their hands, except this one girl. She looked at the girl curiously and asked, “Why aren’t you a Chargers fan?” The little girl said that her dad is a Denver Broncos fan, and her mom is a Denver Broncos fan, so she just naturally became a Broncos fan. So my schoolteacher friend told the girl that she doesn’t have to follow in her parents footsteps. With that, she asked the girl, “If your dad was a drug dealer, and your mom was a prostitute, what would that make you?” The girl scratched her head and then came up with her answer: “An Oakland Raiders fan.”" +28890,0,How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? When there's white-out all over the screen +28891,4,"A woman once said, she recognised me from the vegetarian club But I'd never met herbivore" +28892,0,Did you hear about the guy who wanted his lawn mowed in the most efficient way possible? He hired Neil Degrasse Tyson. +28893,0,What was the shopkeepers sexuality Buysexual +28894,2,"Why is the suicide bomber getting so much coverage? I mean seriously, the guy is all over the place!" +28895,2,What's the difference between where you pour dirty water and The Rock? One's the the bottom of a sink and the other's a Dwayne. +28896,1,"I caught my girlfriend using my deodorant again Whatever, it can be our secret." +28897,0,"The Boy with Giant Hands. What I used to call myself, until reality set in..." +28898,2,Never date a baker They’re too kneady. +28899,1,What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking? A fruit and a vegetable. +28900,1,"A little girl walk into a pet shop She asks the employee for a bunny, upon which he asks: what kind of bunny are you looking for? The girl replies: I don’t think my pet snake really cares!" +28901,0,Funny Joke I was in an airplane last year when the pilots had forgot to turn off the internal radio NOW I COULD USE A CUP OF COFFEE AND A BLOWJOB one of them said. The stewardess went towards them to make them shut off the radio. I said DONT FORGET THE COFFEE HONEY +28902,0,Alcohol is a gateway drug To cheap tacos. +28903,3,"An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied, ""I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia. Horrified the Admiral exclaims, ""That's very unhygienic!"" The Chief shrugs and replies, ""Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."" " +28904,3,My son catches a fish and eats it and he’s “amazing” and “a budding sportsman”. I catch a fish and eat it and I’m “drunk” and “need to leave Petco”. +28905,0,What do we want? What do we want? A cure for tourettes! When do we want it? hdbxbdFUCKhdhcjdndbCUNThshdjdk +28906,0,I read a hastily produced paper on movable computer screen text input indicators. It was a cursory study. +28907,0,"What did the beekeeper say when asked ""Who's bees' wax is this?"" It's mine." +28908,2,"An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup. Doc: ""How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?"" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: ""That's incredible!"" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in good shape.' Doc: ""No, I mean an incredible coincidence. Just this morning I had a 90 year old patient feeling similarly healthy and happy! Ten years older than you! Just this morning he was jogging down by the river and spotted a beaver on the other side. He used to be a hunter but no longer had a rifle so he pointed his finger at it and said bang, bang. And amazingly the beaver just dropped dead right there!"" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well doc, just between you and me I reckon maybe someone else put a couple of rounds into that beaver at just the right time.' Doc: ""My point precicely.""" +28909,1,"There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath. This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis." +28910,1,"I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired. I lost my job for not selling drugs." +28911,0,I understand that people try to make others laugh by being cheesy but Don't you get that some people are laughtose intolerant? +28912,0,"Doctors were to determine the condition of a new patient in mental institution. Doctors: “Who are you?” Patient: “I am John F. Kennedy!” Doctors often got cases where patients thought they were someone else. Doctors: “But there are a lot of presidents. Why choose that one?” Patient: “Oh, no. I’m not a president. I’m an airport!”" +28913,1,Today I got fired from my other job... I guess I shouldn't have taken baby sitting too literal. +28914,1,"What's the difference between medium and rare? 5 inches is medium, but 8 is rare." +28915,2,How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a sandwich to the roof. +28916,2,I used to have breast cancer Had to get that off my chest +28917,0,What is it called when a fortune teller takes a wrong turn? Reversed Chariot +28918,0,Do you know why I love eating corn? Because you get a second batch of it after 6 hours +28919,0,If the earth is round Why is the ground flat in places? +28920,1,What turns Mrs. Batman on? Batteries. +28921,0,How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram +28922,0,"Meeting the Parents A guy and a girl are serious in the relationship, and she decides to bring him home to her parents. Him being on a motorcycle and traveling to a rainy place buys vasoline and a tarp to keep his bike safe from the weather. After a fair ride, the couple arrive at her parents house. Before they go in, she tells her bf that her parents have a funny house rule: the 1st person to speak after dinner is finished has to do the dishes. He laughs and brushes off the comment. The couple take their belongings inside and the bf meets the parents. As dinner is served, the family has a large conversation about everything and goes off without fail. As the food is finished, the bf notices that it's about to rain and goes and grabs the vasoline and the tarp from his bag. The father says ""Ok, I'll do the dishes.""" +28923,0,What would u call a deaf man with a red hair and grey mustache.? U could call him anything... He wouldn't hear it... +28924,0,A son asks his father for a new car for his birthday... +28925,0,Myspacebarhasstoppedworking Only joking +28926,0,How many Lowe's.... Could Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's? +28927,0,I have good and bad news. - I am alive. - What's the good news? +28928,0,"A pretty smart kid finished the primary school with great grades and his father wanted to congratulate him for it so he decided to give him a present. ""You can have anything you want"" he said and the kid answered ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". And the father offered him. When the kid finished middle school his grades remained impeccable so the father decided to congratulate him.""You can have anything you want"" said the father to his kid. He answered ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". And again the father gave him what he wanted. The first year of high school went great. Proud of the son's success, the father offered him a gift. ""You can have anything you want"" he said and the kid replied ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". And the father gave him. The second year of high school was complicated to kid. Fortunately he was able to get back in track and finished it with distinction. The father again wanted to reward him with and said ""You can have anything you want"" and the kid replied ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". And the father answered the request. In the third year the kid had some struggles with one subject, so in a way of motivating him the father gave him a gift. ""You can have anything you want"" he said and the kid answer ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". And the father offered what he wanted. Finishing the last year of high school, the kid had amazing results and got himself in a great college. With his 18th birthday coming the father wanted to offered something big and told him ""You can have anything you want"" he said. And he added ""you are an adult now, so choose wisely"". And again the kid replied ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". Two years of college and the was graduated. Proud of his son's accomplishments the father wanted to reward him for his success and told him ""I am giving you a great gift. You can have anything you want"" and the kid replied ""I want a red, a blue and a green ball"". A few weeks after something terrible happened. The kid, who was no longer a kid, got involved in a car crash. The doctors feared the worst so they contacted the family immediately. When they got to the hospital the poor kid was in terrible shape. The father approached him and with his tear glazed eyes he told him ""I love you son, I love you so much but I need to know. I need to know why after all these years why did you always wanted a red, a blue and a green ball!!"" And the kid, using his last forces and committed to realized his father desire he answered ""Dad, I wanted a red, a blue and a green ball to __________" +28929,1,Well..... a joke The barber asks the client: -How would you like to be cut for you to be thankful? -For free! +28930,0,What do cows use at school? A cow-culator +28931,1,"How do you say ""bra"" in German? Schtopzemfrumfloppen" +28932,1,Where do detectives go to have a drink? The Search Bar. +28933,5,"Stalin loses his pipe... ...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe. Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search. Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: ""But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!""" +28934,1,How can you tell the inventor of the toothbrush was from West Virginia? If he was from anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush. +28935,0,I like my mulch the way I like my women Extra fine +28936,4,"Penis Van Lesbian A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said ""I want to be a movie star."" Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, ""What's your name?"" The guy said, ""My name is Penis van Lesbian."" The agent said, ""Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name."" ""I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."" The agent said, ""Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."" ""So be it! I guess we will not do business together"" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... ""Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke" +28937,0,What type of file would you use to make a small hole bigger? PedoPHILE +28938,2,"I had a strange dream the other day about these hairy midgets with a ring... They were hell-bent on destroying it in this volcano. They had a wizard, a dwarf and some elves to help them. It was really, really detailed and I woke up feeling I could write a brilliant story about it, but as soon as I got up and went to put pen to paper, the details faded from my mind... It was at that point that I realised I was only Tolkien in my sleep." +28939,2,Why did Cinderella get in a fight with the police? Because they wanted to take her prince. +28940,0,"What did Mario say after the Wii U's performance? ""Mario get you NXt time!""" +28941,0,The people in Washington should have never impeached Trump. Because now we know they're actually capable of getting shit done. +28942,0,I love being a knismophile. It really tickles my fancy. +28943,0,There are 10 types f people in this world. Those who can understand binary and those who don't. And those who read this in base three. or There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest. +28944,1,Why don't bees go to church? Because they are in sects. +28945,0,"After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: ""Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."" Husband: ""What’s up?"" Wife: ""According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."" Husband: ""Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, you kept on pestering me that the baby's nose was flat"" And I told you - I will fix it, just wait for me in the car? " +28946,6,"Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die?? Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is" +28947,1,How are Google and woman similar? They aren't at fucking all! At least Google can recommend me a fucking place to eat. +28948,0,"Sweet Honey I just noticed that honey smells like spit. Oh wait, it IS!!!" +28949,0,You know what the worst part of being an anitvaxxer parent is? When your toddler hits the Terrible Twos and their midlife crisis at the same time. +28950,4,What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. +28951,5,How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes. +28952,9,My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag. Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers! Edit : grammar +28953,0,"What kind of water do feminists drink? Fiji water, because it’s untouched by man" +28954,1,What do you call a jockey with a sore throat? The hoarse whisperer +28955,2,"[ultrasound] Wife: ""How does he look?"" Doctor: ""This is honestly the biggest baby I've ever seen."" Husband: ""So we're finally talking about the elephant in the womb."" Doctor: Wife: ""I keep a divorce lawyer on retainer.""" +28956,0,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Dinner, or as PETA would like to call it; a victim of animal abuse" +28957,2,"My grandpa told me that my generation relies too much on technology... I told him: No grandpa, your does. Then I unplugged his life support." +28958,3,I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed +28959,8,"A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : ""Mother Superior told me."" Man : ""So, have you ever tried it?"" Nun : ""No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."" Man : ""Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life."" Nun : ""Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking."" The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”" +28960,3,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk." +28961,0,I always quickly delete accidentally downloaded gay porn. I need the drive space for the one I really want. +28962,1,"A man finds a genie As expected he is grated three wishes, but the genie warns him that he is known to be very sneaky and usually turns wishes against their favor. The man decides to gamble and waste his first two wishes on ensuring he has a perfect First wish, the man says 'I wish for you to be completely honest with me' Granted. Second wish, the man asks 'I wish for you to tell me what the smartest thing I can wish for is' The genie smiles. 'Granted. It's that one'" +28963,1,"New book out. It's called""Nude Beach"" by Sandy R. S. Hole" +28964,3,"What does the Freudian monk chant while meditating? MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! (Sorry if repost, I just thought of this, but I can't be the first)" +28965,0,I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven. +28966,0,"What is the Beach Boys song ""Kokomo"" about? All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts. " +28967,2,What’s black and doesn’t work? Decaf coffee. +28968,2,What job are rude epileptics well suited for? Salt shakers. +28969,0,What do you call jelly made out of cars? Traffic Jam +28970,0,Some people eat Asian food during sex It's a wonton sex act. +28971,0,If Pikachu was a Nazi... ...would his name be Gasajew? +28972,2,I’ve become a millionaire shortly after marriage! I used to be a billionaire before getting married. +28973,1,There are 10 types of people in this world Those who can read binary and those who can't. +28974,0,"Friends, please be careful... Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots... I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it." +28975,1,PICKUP LINE: Don’t pay $5 for a footlong... When you can get my 6 inch for free. +28976,0,Where does a Moroccan go to get a hair cut? From the berber shop. +28977,0,"A man decides he wants to find a girl at a bar. So he goes to the most popular one in town. Upon entering the bar, he spies a gorgeous woman and approaches her. Immediately, he says ""Before I begin charming you, I would like to admit that I have a particular foot fetish."" ""How particular?"" the woman asks intrigued. ""Well, for one, I am only turned on by a woman's left foot, not her right, but I enjoy cumming onto the right foot,"" the man explains. ""I think I can be ok with that,"" she replies flirtatiously. ""If its dark,"" the man continues,"" I'll need you to help me. After all, I enjoy getting off on the right foot.""" +28978,2,"Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda It was all just a Fanta Sea" +28979,2,"Two blondes solving a crossword Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now... After a while she decides to ask her friend for help.. - Do you know the answer to the clue ""Female sex organ""? -- Hmmmm. Horizontally or vertically? - Horizontally -- Oh yes! ""Mouth"" " +28980,2,I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias. The results were exactly what I expected. +28981,1,Why does Stephen Hawking do one liners? Because he can’t do stand up. +28982,0,"There were 3 friends There were 3 friends : Rit (who was always sneezing) , Rin(whose nose used to bleed a couple of times a day) and Tin (who was having some big problems with his digestive system). They all knew about each other's diseases. Rit's birthday came, so he brought to school his brand new phone - the gift from his parents. His friends were impressed and wanted to take a closer look at it. When Tin's turn came, Rit sneezed and dropped the phone on the floor, destroying the screen. He blamed Tin for this, so they started arguing, ending up with Rit telling his friend that he is not invited to the party he was organizing that night anymore. Tin screamed ""This is not fair! You're gonna regret this, I promise!"", after wich he ran home. The night came and the party started. At one point, Rin went to the bathroom to wash his face from the blood that was coming out of his nose. After exiting the bathroom, he came to Rit looking pretty scared."" Do you remember how Tin threatened you today?"" asked Rin. ""Yes"" replied Rit. "" And Do you remember how we would never enter the bathroom after he would use it, because the smell was awful? I would recognize it from a hundreed miles."" asked Rin. ""Of course I do"" said Rit. ""Well... I don't know how to tell you that, but I've just been to the bathroom and... And it..."" ""And what?!"" asked Rit nervously.""... Smells like Tin's pee, Rit ! """ +28983,2,"I went paintballing last weekend and it didn't go very well. I got hit by every single paintball that came my way. On the bright side, it was an overall colourful experience." +28984,2,What do you call a horny guy in a pool? Driftwood +28985,0,"If Quentin Tarantino made a detective mystery movie, what would it be called? Something is Afoot" +28986,4,Today is international Women's day It was supposed to be yesterday but they took to long too get ready +28987,0,"Looking for a quick Lay? A lot of vending machines, usually less than a dollar." +28988,0,Have you heard about the guy who was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog. +28989,0,"A guy named Tony... ...asked me if I could say his name backwards. After fumbling around the pronunciation a bit he blurted out, ""Y NOT!"" " +28990,2,What kind of cars do ghosts drive? Chevy Maliboos. +28991,1,Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated. Is that the opposite of being beheaded?. +28992,0,What is the type of conference that brings together knights and mathematicians? A *sir-conference* +28993,3,"Interview sales pitch I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, ""I want you to try and sell this to me."" So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, ""Bring it back here right now!"" I said, ""$200 and it's yours.""" +28994,2,How did Pennywise die? He committed sewercide +28995,0,What do the Titanic and Epstein have in common? Women and children first.. +28996,4,"A stuttering dude was unemployed... Once upon a time there was a stuttering lad who could not find work. Finally, he came across a book store with a ""help wanted"" sign. He went in and got a job. His boss told him that he could not work in the store, but he would walk around the neighborhood selling books door to door. The boss didn't think the stuttering employee had a chance. After one hour, the stuttering man returned with $1000. The boss could not believe it. The boss sent him out again, and the stuttering man returned with $1000 the next hour. The boss asked him ""how do you sell so well?!"" The stuttering man said ""Well, b-b-b-b-boss, it's simp-p-p-p-p-p-ple, I j-j-j-just w-w-w-wait t-t-t-till they open the d-d-d-door, and I t-t-t-tell them that they c-c-c-can either b-b-b-buy the b-b-b-b-book, or I c-c-c-can r-r-read it t-t-to them.""" +28997,0,What does an American call a Canadian Dollar? A quarter. +28998,3,"A man is late for an important interview But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. ""Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. ""Never mind. Found one" +28999,1,What is the difference between burning the Quran and smoking weed? You only get stoned once after burning the Quran. +29000,2,I’d love to make a Chemistry joke But it’s a shame all of the good ones Argon. +29001,0,"Guy goes into a deli He looks over the menu: Ham sandwich: $5 Roast beef sandwich: $7.50 Handjob: $250 He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, ""who gives the handjob?"" ""I do!"" She says with a smile! ""Well, that's gonna be a massive fine,"" said the Health Inspector, ""it's extremely unsanitary to mix that kind of service with the food industry."" He then writes up a report and shuts down the business. " +29002,3,"Husband says to wife (haven't seen this one on here, sorry if posted before) A husband says to his wife, ""I bet you can't say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."" She responds, ""You have the biggest dick of all your friends. """ +29003,4,I have a great joke about social anxiety. Who am I kidding? You'll hate it. +29004,0,"A father is on the porch with his son, and he says to his son, holding his family rifle, ""When I die, you'll get this rifle."" to which the son replies, ""Will I also get your mental disability?"" and the father says, ""Yes son, you will"" to the empty chair." +29005,0,"Went to glasses shop to check my eyes,the worker told me I had estigmatism,I googled it.... Because I was blind on the subject." +29006,0,Couch potato joke I have a fat roommate that loves to stream but every time he does it he commentates on every little thing! hes such a common-tater! +29007,1,I'm still learning my pronouns... But that is neither here nor there. +29008,1,What rapper do relgious people hate the most Logic +29009,1,Have you heard of the new deodorant called umpire? It's for foul balls! +29010,0,The Weinstein Company just announced a Harvey Weinstein biopic. It’s going to be titled *Gross Receipts.* (I’ll show myself out.) +29011,0,What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again +29012,1,"A man and his wife enter a cafe The man says ""Morning, what've you got?"" Well, there's egg and bacon, egg, sausage and bacon, and the mods have removed this sketch for breaking rule 3." +29013,0,"The phrase “raining cats and dogs” has been taken out of common usage in California The phrase was deemed to be offensive, giving a platform to those who throw animals out of windows. It was also noted. There is no rain in California." +29014,1,"I went to a restaurant with my Chinese girlfriend. She asked the waiter, ""Escuse me, can i get a sucker for my cock?"" The waiter looked at both of us speechless. Then he realised what she meant. ""Oh, you want a straw for your coke?""" +29015,0,I went to school without my shoes today I got shoe-spended for a week. +29016,4,"Whenever It Rains, My Wife Just Stands At The Window Looking Kind Of Sad Maybe I Should Let Her In" +29017,0,I think about menstruation every 28-35 days. I guess you could say I think about it periodically. +29018,5,"A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar. The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says ""I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw"". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. ""But... you did touch the glass!"" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: ""Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky.""" +29019,5,"I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour. It might take a second for you to get it." +29020,2,What do you call a cross between an Encyclopedia and a squadron of fighter jets? [OC] Flying in-formation. +29021,0,"Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her cap and called it... Bleaaaaaaaaaaaagggg!" +29022,1,"Sodium Funny. So browsing the grocery store when I just about got a-salted by a sweet dill. I came across a jar of bread and butter. So I cumberly pickle'd them up, tried reading nutrition facts, but it was sodium small. So I went NA.., this isn't the I-dill time to buy, Jumped in my truck and went home and cranked up my Vlasic Rock." +29023,1,"A Mexican, an Asian, and a Black Guy are eating their packed lunches Asian: I'm tired of eating the same thing every day. I swear, if my wife gives me noodles one more time, I'm going to kill myself. Black: Me too. I'm tired of eating fried chicken and kool-aide everyday. A sophisticated man like me needs variety. I'll end my life if my wife packs that tomorrow. Mexican: I know what you mean, amigo. These tacos sure get boring after a while. If I get tacos tomorrow, I'll commit suicide. *So, the three men get together the next day. And take a look at what they got.* Asian: Noodles?! Again?! *The Asian uses the noodles to make a noose and hangs himself.* Black: Fuck this fried chicken. Fuck this Kool-Aide *The Black guy inhales the Kool-Aide and drowns.* Mexican: Well, I got tacos again. I guess I'll kill myself too. *The Mexican proceeds to suffocate himself with the tortilla.* *A week later, at the funeral the wives of the men cry on the open casket* Asian Wife: I don't know why he killed himself like that. He said my noodles were his favorite so I made sure to make them for him everyday. Black Wife: I don't know we he went on and died like that. I always got his favorite fried chicken to make sure he stayed happy. Mexican Wife: I don't know why he commited suicide. Every morning he made himself tacos and said how good his life was." +29024,1,"what goes clip, clop, clip, clop, bang, bang, clip, clop, clip, clop an Amish drive by" +29025,0,"Why do black rappers always wear big, long chain necklaces? Old habits die hard" +29026,5,I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines +29027,3,"What did one 80 year old boob say to the other? If we don’t get it together, people are going to think we’re nuts!" +29028,2,"I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says Be Safe" +29029,0,I finally Understand Math Me: wow i finally understand math *moves on to next question* Me: what the hell is this +29030,2,All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds. Mostly because there are twenty of them. +29031,0,Why did the author eat their novel? Because they wanted to put it all behind them. +29032,0,The number Zero started a subreddit. Ya know there won't be any posts since all posts would be freezed by Subzero. +29033,6,"C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar... The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”" +29034,2,"A sandwich walks into a bar... the bartender says: ""Sorry, we don't serve food here.""" +29035,1,Where does Frozone put his laundry? Down his super chute. +29036,1,Why does isis wear robes? Goats can hear a zipper a mile away +29037,0,"My bf thinks I'm obsessed with Linkin Park so he broke up with me... But in the end, it doesn't even matter" +29038,1,Why is beer the best cure for a hangover? Because it's good for what ales you. +29039,0,What do you call it wheb Mark Zuckerberg sleeps with your wife? ZUCKOLDED +29040,10,I only knock up antivaxxers. Because 8 years of child support is better than 18. +29041,0,"Three priests die and go to hell Satan asks them what are their sins. The first one says he was going to Angela, the second one also says he was going to Angela. The third one says:""I am Angela.""" +29042,0,I recently got fired from Urban Outfitters for a grammar mistake. Apparently when someone asks for a coat they mean the noun not the verb. +29043,0,"When people tell me they’re vegan... ...all I can think is, that’s a missed-steak." +29044,0,i was going to roast paul walker But that happend in 2013 +29045,2,"A politician visits a village on the campaign trail and asks the villagers what their needs are “We have two basic needs, Sir” replies the village leader. “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor” On hearing this the politician brings out his phone, and after speaking for a while he tells them not to worry, a doctor will be present tomorrow and asks what the second problem is. “...Secondly, sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in the village”" +29046,4,Why do pornstars never overheat? Because they keep their fans turned on +29047,3,"I went to a feminist picnic the other day. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches." +29048,0,Why did the rapper from TRL need to check his voicemail? He Mystikal. +29049,2,"Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list. I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind. Note: First time posting on r/Jokes" +29050,2,"A teacher walks into a classroom... She gets up to the chalkboard and tells the kids to shut up and they will be learning a new word today. ""The word is definitely, now may I hear it used correctly in a sentence?"" A little boy raises his hand. ""Yes bobby?"" ""The sky is definitely blue!"" The boy says. ""No, that is wrong, the sky can be blue, reddish, and cloudy so it's not definitely blue."" A little girl raises her hand. ""Yes Cindy?"" ""Water is definitely clear!"" The girl says. ""Wrong again, water can be green, or brown so it's not definitely clear."" A little boy in the back slowly raises his hand. ""Yes Alex?"" ""Teacher, do farts have lumps?"" The teacher puzzles replies, ""No I don't think so, why?"" ""Then I definitely just shit my pants.""" +29051,0,"Women's Period Instead of getting their period, the ladies should just get to sleep for five days straight every month. Everybody wins." +29052,3,"My dad said if I don’t turn the sound down he’ll bash my head against the keyboard Like yeah right, as if hefjlaswoziO9&29;)@:7.99z:@&/8:0&0928/.7@]¥iwissjAodjslabdodbsisbkddmjsb vjzjHj&.8$.@-€>¥|\\€\\=|!.>|>usissbhx" +29053,2,I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant... It was a heart-breaking scene. +29054,1,"I try to go to sleep before 11pm every night I never have, but I still try every night." +29055,0,Why are wedding dresses white ? Everybody knows that white is the agreed universal color for appliances. +29056,1,"A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.. he waits in the ticket line for a really long time but eventually gets his tickets, he wants to rent a limo so he waits in a long line again until he gets his limo, he goes to buy flowers and again the line is super long. At prom, she asks him to go grab her a drink, and there is no punchline." +29057,2,What do a brat and an expired banana have in common? They're both spoiled rotten +29058,0,I once opened a boat business in my attic The sales went through the roof +29059,0,What do you call the guy whose feet always fall asleep? Comatoes +29060,2,What’s the best thing about a blowjob? The five minutes of silence +29061,3,"A walks into a hardware store to get some nails He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says ""ok sure, how long do you want them?"" and the customer says ""well I'd like to keep them."" : )" +29062,0,What does a tree do when it's ready to go home? It leaves +29063,2,I love riding airplanes It's the only time I don't feel under the weather. +29064,2,Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him... +29065,0,What's the difference between a hit and run driver and the lights in Monsters Inc.? One is charged with Manslaughter and the other is charged with children's laugher +29066,1,"Attention Nerds! It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do. Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress. ""Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server""" +29067,4,"A vampire walks into a bar... The bartender nervously says ""what do you want to drink?"" The vampire says ""hot water please"" The bartender hands him the hot water saying ""I thought vampires drank blood?"" The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and puts it into the water ""I'm having tea.""" +29068,0,Why Is Chemistry Racist? It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone. +29069,4,"There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back." +29070,2,I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell. He's a real nutcase. +29071,0,My friend almost killed his fish and got mad at me for rescuing them! Those fish were literally drowning. Good thing I let let them have some fresh air. +29072,4,"I found a 1,700 yard rock the other day.... It was a real milestone. " +29073,2,"Accidentally broke my Irish friend’s Pixar movie... He wasn’t amused, but he did say, “You cracked me Up.”" +29074,6,"I once met a man with 5 penises. I said ""That must be rough""...and ""how does your underwear fit?"" He said ""Like a glove!""" +29075,1,"The children of catholics I have no idea if this is a repost but I hadn't heard it before. - Four middle-aged Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, ""My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."" The second Catholic man chirps, ""My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."" The third Catholic gent says, ""My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence' The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, ""My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."" Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, ""Well....?"" She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL 38 DD BUST 24"" WAIST and 34"" HIPS When she walks into a room, people say, 'JESUS H. CHRIST!!!' " +29076,3,There's nothing better than calculus jokes. I derive so much pleasure from reading them. +29077,0,So mixed darts is being forced on us now it's PDC gone mad +29078,4,"A millionaire and his wife A millionaire and his wife lead a lavish lifestyle, until one day the guy lost everything in a shady investment. That night he went home and explained their diminished financial status to his wife. ""Since we need to start saving, you should learn to cook so we can let go of our personal chef."" ""That's fine,"" she said. ""If you can learn how to fuck we can fire the Gardner, too.""" +29079,2,"Once upon a time Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on. The next day, she said, ""What the hell,"" and put the entire bottle in. A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, ""Mum's dead; Sis is pregnant; my @sshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"" " +29080,2,People told Beethoven he couldn't be a great musician because he was deaf But did he listen? +29081,3,Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate pizza before it was cool +29082,0,Where do pirates go on vacation? To Arggg-entina +29083,0,"What’s the worst thing about the cool kids at binary school? Either you’re one, or you’re a zero. " +29084,0,"My gay friend had has been complaining that his new boyfriend has an insatiable sex drive. I mean, what a butthurt " +29085,2,Don't listen to atoms. They make up everything. +29086,7,"Don't laugh! A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: ""Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."" ""Of course I won't laugh,"" the nurse said. ""I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."" Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. ""I have a problem with my sexual organs,"" the man said. ""Okay, just drop your trousers for me,"" the nurse responded. ""Okay then,"" Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. ""I'm so sorry,"" said the nurse. ""I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"" ""It's swollen,"" Fred replied." +29087,0,What do you call the family of a Jedi? The Force Kin. +29088,4,"A farmer selling his peaches A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie. ""Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"" As she leans on the door frame she asks; ""are they as soft as these?"" while she touches her breasts. ""Or are they as round as this?"" as she touches her butt. ""Could they be as fuzzy as this"" as she touches her privates. The farmer begins crying and the woman looks at him confused ""Why on earth are you crying?"" ""The drought got my corn, the locust got my wheat, and it looks like i'm about to get fucked out of my peaches."" " +29089,4,What's the currency in space? Starbucks +29090,2,"How's a tornado in a bad neighborhood like an Alabama divorce? Either way, someone's loosing a trailer." +29091,0,"If you’re dieting over the holidays... And are tempted to snack on left-overs, just stop, cold turkey." +29092,5,"A man went to a meeting for premature ejaculators but when he arrived there was no one there, he'd come too early. " +29093,0,My bird is fascist... Her left wing is injured and now she is all right wing. +29094,1,I threw a hipster into the Mississippi... Guess whose mainstream now? +29095,1,What do you call that little white stuff on the top of bird shit? More bird shit. (Dad joke from the 70's) +29096,1,"Plastic surgery ""Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous, I see a lot of new faces today""" +29097,2,"I was kissing this girl and things were getting super sexy. I said, ""I forgot to buy condoms earlier. Fuck!"" She said, ""Well, I haven't got one on me."" I said, ""That's because you don't have a penis.""" +29098,5,"How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. ""Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."" The silence in the taxi was deafening....." +29099,2,What did the asshole say when he won the game? Wrecked 'em. +29100,0,What do the Irish hate more than potatoes? No potatoes. +29101,2,"“Have you seen a deer before?” A guy and his friend watch TV together because they are bored. Suddenly a documentary about deers comes on: “Have you seen a deer before?” asks the friend. “Yes , on TV” replies the guy “No , i meant in pure nature.” Said his friend “Dad does not let us put the TV outside”" +29102,0,"Did you know that Jesus celebrate Christmas his entire life? Only they didn't say ""Merry Christmas."" Do you know what they said? ""Happy Birthday, Jesus!""" +29103,0,OJ Simpson just came out with a new headphone line. Beats by OJ +29104,2,"A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts the can on a fire it will heat up and explode the can allowing them to get to the beans. The political scientist says that will be way too messy for them. The engineer comes up with the idea that if he drops a large rock or coconut out of a tree, it will smash the can and allow them to get at the beans. The political scientist says again that this will be way too messy for them. Hearing this for a second time, the physicist and engineer ask the political scientist if he has any better ideas. To which he stands up and says ""Assuming we have a can opener...""" +29105,5,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. " +29106,3,What do you call the place where concrete is buried? A cementary. +29107,1,Why is frozen yogurt better than ice cream? Ice cream ain't got no culture. +29108,1,"*Enters ugly contest* Judge: Sorry, no professionals" +29109,0,What do you call a dog missing three legs? One paw dog +29110,3,What do a vacuum cleaner and a porn star have in common? They both suck better when they are empty inside. +29111,1,Did you hear about the guy who had the wrong leg amputated? Because the surgeon screwed up - he ended up losing both legs! But he lost in court. The judge told him he didn't have a leg to stand on. +29112,0,I keep trying to convince my grandmother to get a hearing aid... But she just won't listen +29113,2,Russian census ended with success there were still people to count! +29114,2,I stayed up all night to see where the sun went... Then it dawned on me. +29115,4,Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night? They found him dead the next day in his teepee +29116,0,What was Hitler's least favourite drink? Jews +29117,1,3 dyslexic mods walk into a bra... [deteled] +29118,2,Two cows are standing in a field. Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease? Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter. +29119,1,What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints? You want flies with that? +29120,4,"What did the barber tell the janitor at the end of the day? Take hair! My 8 year old thought of it after his hair cut last night. I hope it’s OC as he doesn’t have a Reddit account, yet. " +29121,0,"Ghost? After going on various dates for 3 weeks with this girl, we talked on the phone and it ended with her saying ""I'll text you when I get home, I promise!"" it's been 5 weeks... I think I dated a ghost? " +29122,2,A tragic case of malpractice and injustice So this unfortunate fellow comes down with gangrene and goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that the leg will have to be removed. After the operation the man wakes up and to his horror the doctor had amputated the wrong leg. Of course the doctor had to go back in immediately and take off the correct leg. Months later the malpractice case was brought to court but the judge threw it out immediately as the plaintiff didn't have a leg to stand on. +29123,4,"A nine-year-old boy asks his mother... 'Is God male or female?' After thinking for a moment, the mother responds, 'Well, God is both male and female.' This confuses the lad, so he asks, 'Is god black or white?' 'Well', she says, 'God is both black and white.' This really confuses the boy, so he asks, 'Is God gay or straight?' Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to stay consistent, the mother answers, 'Honey, God is both gay and straight.' At this the little boy's face lights up with understanding, and he triumphantly asks, 'Is Michael Jackson God?'" +29124,1,What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant +29125,1,I tried to rob a binoculars store today... But they saw me coming a mile away +29126,8,What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. +29127,2,"An Irish prayer... On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg. He closed his eyes and said, ""Please Lord, let it be blood.""" +29128,1,"War wounds 3 veterans met each other at a bar. All 3 of them were heading to the toilet. When the first one started peeing, 2 streams came out. The one peeing in the middle exclaimed, ""Whoa! How'd you do that?"" The guy replied ""War wound! Took a bullet in the privates. Had to amputate but when I pee it comes out in 2 streams. The guy in the middle looks over to the one on the right and says ""Do you believe this... Whoa! 3 streams? How're you doing that?"" The guy on the right replies, ""Same! War wound. Took a bullet to the privates. Had to amputate and now I pee with 3 streams."" The guy in the middle starts peeing and it starts blowing like a shower. Both look at him and say ""War wound?"" The guy replies, ""Nah! Dang zipper is stuck!""" +29129,1,"A man on his trip to Spain decides to try a local delicacy. The waiter brings him a meatball looking dish. The guy relishes it and asks him what it was. The waiter replies: ""oh we have a lot of bull fights here, this dish are the testicles of the bull that lost the fight"". The man isn't happy but pays and leaves. Few days later he goes back to the same restaurant and orders the same dish. However this time the portion size is very small. He asks the waiter: ""why is the portion size small today""? The waiter replies: ""you see sir, the bull doesn't always loose the fight""" +29130,0,A soldier was commanded to destroy a tank with an RPG He immediately deserted. +29131,1,My friends think my new girlfriend is a real zero But she’s like nothing I’ve ever had before. +29132,0,"A grandfather goes to see why his grandson is in trouble. A Grandfather goes to see why his grandson is in trouble. He walks up to the boy and ask him what he did. “Well” said the boy. “That fat kid called me skinny so I called him fat”. The grandfather says “I heard you punched him, that’s no reason to hit someone.” The boy explains “Well then he said ‘the only reason I’m fat is because every time I bang your mom she makes me cookies.’”" +29133,4,"Yesterday I saw an ad that said ""radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"" I thought, ""I can't turn that down""." +29134,4,"How do skeletons kiss Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone." +29135,2,I had sex with my teacher yesterday. It's good to be homeschooled. +29136,1,I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me. +29137,2,What do you call a mystery Mexican? Juan Doe +29138,3,Teacher: Name something beginning with E that you are not very good at. Student: Spelling! +29139,0,"Me: ""You know, I've been having a lot of trouble with invisible trolls lately."" My son: ""Invisible trolls? What are you talking about?"" Me: ""Well, to be honest, I've never actually *seen* one..."" -- Paraphrased conversation with my seven-year-old, who is reading a story which involves invisibility spells being cast on trolls. " +29140,5,"A man walks into a bar... And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ""What's with the money in the jar?"" ""Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, ""What are the three tests?"" ""You gotta pay first,"" says the bartender, ""those are the rules."" So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender £10 which he stuffs into the jar. ""Okay,"" says the bartender, ""here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."" ""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."" ""Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."" The man is stunned! ""I know I paid my £10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"" ""Your call,"" says the bartender, ""but, your money stays where it is."" As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, ""Where's the damn tequila?!"" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, ""Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?""" +29141,0,"A plane crashes next to a deserted island... ... the survivors gather up and the american quickly takes charge and divides everyone into different jobs. He assigns one japanese passenger to go into forest and gather supplies. Days go by without the japanese passenger returning. At some point the group decides to go look for him. Entering the forest, suddenly the japanese guy jumps down from a tree and yells ""SUPPLIES SUPPLIES!!""" +29142,1,Why don't ghosts have children? Because they have Halloweenies. +29143,1,"I put gametes in my advert Because hey, sex cells" +29144,3,My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet. I bet she is plotting something against me. +29145,4,American light beer is like two people making love in a canoe... fucking close to water +29146,1,I once went to a French bakery... It was very painful... +29147,2,What's the only type of music that the balloon dislikes? Pop. +29148,0,"Happy Thanksgiving! H/t to my stepdad who asked me, ""what's the capital of France?"" ""F"" I love you, stepdad. " +29149,1,"People in wheelchairs Today my friend was telling me all about how he works helping people in wheelchairs move around, moving them from one place to the other, and helping them get to their destinations. It was a moving story." +29150,0,"I had sudden fever and the doctor diagnosed brain eating bacteria. He said there was no known cure and I would die in three days. I was so bummed, I forgot my hat at his office. That was six months ago. I beat the damn bacteria! I'm going to go and tell the doctor he is a fool. And also get back my Make America Great Again hat. " +29151,0,What’s something you absolutely can’t live without? A birth certificate +29152,0,"A chicken, a pig, and a goat walk into a bar... Now they’re unconscious, time to slaughter them." +29153,0,My dad is from Iceland and my mom is from Cuba I'm an ICECUBE +29154,0,Why's my dick so much more tan than the rest of me? Cause its full of vitamin D +29155,5,I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'. I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'. +29156,0,How are sex and guitar different? I am not very good at guitar. Wanna fuck? +29157,1,Sex is like laundry You put it in and wait for it to finish +29158,1,my medium rare chicken recipe was a complete failure I guess it was a half baked idea. +29159,0,Riddle Me This. What bread has a center that you cannot eat? ​ ​ ​ Doughnut. +29160,2,Why do female vampires have an advantage over male vampires? Because they get free supply of blood once a month. +29161,3,What's the sexual orientation of people who can no longer perform sexually? Bye-sexual. +29162,0,I showed up to work a few hours late My boss asked me what happened. I told him the past few days my alarm clock woke me up in the middle of my sleep so I shut it off. +29163,1,Railway Rescue The other day I rescued a woman who was tied to a railway track. After I untied her we made love. We tried everything except oral because I couldn't find her head. +29164,1,"Two guys are walking through a field when they came across a well. One of the guys asks ""how deep do you think that is?"" The second replies ""That's easy. Just drop something down it, count how many seconds it takes to hit the bottom, and multiply by 9 meters for each second. Give or take for air resistance."" ""What should we drop?"" Said the first. Looking around, the other guy lifts up a big log and drops it in. They count 1... 2... 3... Splash ""3 seconds. So, times 9 is 27 meters. Give or take."" Just then a goat comes running up and dives headfirst into the well. As the guys are trying to figure out what just happened, a farmer came up and asked what they were doing. ""We were just wondering how deep this well is and a goat came running up and dives in."" The farmer replied ""Thank goodness it wasn't one of mine."" ""What makes you say that?"" Asked one of the men. The farmer says ""Because mine are all tied up to heavy logs""" +29165,3,Wow Guys. I’m So Happy For You Supporting Me About Being Pansexual I Love You All +29166,0,A cop pulls a guy over for speeding Cop: are you aware you were going 68 on a 55 road? Guy: can you change the number so it’s funny when the judge reads it out Cop: ok Later at court Judge: how the heck did you go 420 on a 55 +29167,2,What’s the sexiest type of bug? A WHOREnet +29168,0,"Rain drop, drop top... Getting fucked by a fake horse, that's /r/clopclop " +29169,1,What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. +29170,2,What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? Walking +29171,3,Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work. +29172,0,"Kyle was hanging out with his friends... Suddenly he said: ""As your best bro, I'd like to invite you for my birthday party this Friday. I hope y'all can make it!"". ​ He then addressed them individually. ​ ""Can you come to my party, Chad?"" ​ ""Sure I can, bro"" Chad said. ​ ""Can you come to my party, Mike?"" ​ ""Sure I can, bruh"" Mike said. ​ ""Can you come to my party, Timmy?"" ​ ""Sure I can, brah"" Timmy said. ​ ""Can you come to my party, Irish?"" ​ ""Sure I can, breh,"" Irish said. ​ ""Can you come to my party, Aiden?"" ​ ""Sure I can, brop"" Aiden said. ​ ""There's no P in bro, dude"" Kyle said. ​ ""I thought we were talking about your party and not your empty bladder"" Aiden said. ​ Kyle fainted." +29173,0,"2 buddihst monks used to live in a temple on top of a hill. One day, an old sick man comes with his 3 deaf boys. The old sick man says ""I have lived a long busy life, but I was so busy that I couldnt teach my boys anything about life. I feel like I'm going to die soon, so I thought that giving my deaf boys to a buddihst temple might teach them about how to live normal like others"". So, the monks accepted the boys and started teaching them how to read and write. And they communicated each other with words written on papers. The boys learned well but they eventually got bored and started to search for something to entertatin themselves after the lesson. They found big heavy metal bars at the back of the temple, so they started playing with them. One day, one of the monks found out about it and got worried that they might hurt each other while playing with the heavy metal bars. So, he approached the other monk and told him about it and asked what to do? The other monk told him to hang a sign saying ""***Dangerous Metal***"" near the bars and tell the kids not to mess with them. The monk went down the hill at morning to buy a wooden sign and came back at dawn. He wrote ""***Dangerous Metal***"" on the sign, hanged it near the metals and went to sleep. But suddenly a heavy rain started pouring and when the monks came to check the sign in the morning, the words ""***DANGEROUS L***"" were washed off and only the word ***META*** remained, The monk sighs and starts to take the sign off but the other monk stops him and says ""Wait, I heard meta posting is the best way to get karma""" +29174,7,"A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the poor man replied. ""We have to eat grass."" ""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you"" the manager said. ""But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree"". ""Bring them along,"" the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, ""You come with us also."" The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, ""But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"" ""Bring them all, as well,"" the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy feat, even for a car as large as it was. One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, ""Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."" The manager replied, ""Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!""" +29175,3,I thought only girls play hard to get... But then I started applying to colleges. +29176,2,"Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem. They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myrrh. Mary accepts the myrrh, with a tear of joy rolling down her face. Everyone looks at each other, followed by an awkward pause. Joseph breaks the silence. Joseph: ""Well?"" Wiseman1: ""Well what?"" Joseph: ""Where's the third one?"" Wiseman2: ""The third what?"" Joseph: ""The third wise man. There's supposed to be three of you."" Wiseman1: ""I assure you, I don't know what you're talking about. There are only two of us."" Joseph: ""Everyone knows there are supposed to be three wise men."" Wiseman2: ""We have traveled long and far to present you with these gifts. Your son is destined to be the messiah. Please, if we have offended you, it was not our intention."" ""That's it,"" Joseph yells, throwing down the jar of frankincense, spilling it across the floor. ""I'm not finishing this joke until someone gives me gold.""" +29177,2,"You know those this you throw on the ground, and they snap and crackel? They are called the Elderly, and it's illegal." +29178,0,"[nsfw] I jerked off on my girlfriend's face while she was asleep. After she woke up, she looked cumfused" +29179,1,Everyone has been in the Navy at least once. We all started out as a seaman +29180,1,"Who sung ""Isn't it ionic""? Alanis Moris-salt." +29181,0,Why do watersport fetishists make a lot of jokes? Because they love to take the piss. +29182,3,"The blonde reported for her University final examination ... A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of ""yes/no"" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. ""I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."" " +29183,0,Not enough stools The attendance was very low for the local Constipated society meeting ... basically means no one gives a shit +29184,1,What’s the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window. +29185,2,"[long] A guy walks into a bar.... A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he's sitting he notices a bowl filled with money standing on the counter. Intrigued he asks the bartender what's it all about. 'You see that priclvacy screen in the corner?' 'yeah' 'Well, behind the screen there's a horse. He's dead serious. Put a tenner in the bowl, if you make him laugh the money is yours.' Guy ponders for a while, downs the beer, puts the tenner in the bowl, stands up and goes behind the screen. Not a minute had passed when a maniacal laughter erupts from behind the screen. Clearly the horse can barely keep it together. The guy walks out, collects the money and leaves without a word. Few weeks had passed, same guy walks in to the bar and orders a beer. As he sits he notices the bowl is full again so he turns to the barkeep and asks what's up. 'Since you left the horse won't stop laughing so now the bet is to make him stop.' The guy downs the beer, puts the money in and goes in. Again maybe a minute and suddenly there's a huge wail resounding from behind the screen followed by more anguish and sobbing. The guy comes out, collects the money and turns for the door. 'HOLD ON!' Bartender shouts. 'First of all, how did you make him laugh so hard?' 'Easy' the guy says. 'I told him I have a bigger one than he.' 'OK' bartender say, 'but how'd you make him cry?' 'I showed him'" +29186,0,"What did the needle say to the balloon? ""I'm the King of Pop.""" +29187,1,How many Nascar drivers does it take to blow up a jet dryer? Just Juan +29188,0,Doc I have blood in my stools... Ewww you look at your poo?! +29189,0,It's obvious...republicans hate higher learning facilities.... ....because they're full of acaDEMics ;) +29190,3,"A biologist is sent to prison, The first words he says to his cell mate, ""I am the mitochondria."" " +29191,0,There are 10 types of people in the world People who know binary and people who don’t. +29192,1,"A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand. With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”" +29193,0,What's brown and sticky? A stick. +29194,2,How cold is the coldest country in South America? I don't know but it's probably very Chile. +29195,4,Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like **ANY** witnesses +29196,2,"My boss asked the difference between logging in vs logging on ... I replied ""It is only the amount of I/O required.""" +29197,2,What's R Kelly's favorite musical key? A Minor +29198,4,"One of my favorite jokes about Pet Fish (long) A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?!” the warden replied. “Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.” “That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief. The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.” “O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited… After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted. “Call who back?” the man asked. “The FISH,” the warden said sternly. “What fish?” the man asked." +29199,0,How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin. +29200,0,"The Rings of Saturn Today I learned, that the Vatican librarian Leo Allatius wrote a treatise entitled *De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba* (*A Discussion of the Foreskin of Our Lord Jesus Christ*). in his paper, Allatius was claiming that the Holy Prepuce ascended, like Jesus himself, and was transformed into the rings of Saturn. The rings of Saturn have a diameter of about 960,000 km (about 596,516 miles). So you can say, that Jesus was a big dick." +29201,1,Caitlin Jenner Must Be Very Honest To Her Kids She seems Transparent. +29202,4,I've submitted ten puns today trying to make the front page no pun in ten did... +29203,1,"Air Hostess with a tag. Air Hostess had name tag on her chest, naming her Mia. Guy: Beautiful name. Air hostess: Thanks. Guy: Didn't you name the other one?" +29204,2,"Three pregnant women... Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters. The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states ""this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby,"" then resumes her knitting. The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls out a pill and says ""this is a prenatal vitamin, it's important for my baby's health, and my own."" She then resumes her knitting. The third woman takes a pill out of her purse and quietly takes it, then resumes her knitting. ""What is that pill?"" Asked the other two women ""Thalidomide. I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater.""" +29205,0,"A Irish Bologna, Mexican Pants, and Iclandic water walk into a bar. The Irish Bologna drinks a bottle of Whiskey, the Mexican pants Drink a glass of milk and the Icelandic water drinks itself! Shocked after witnessing the Icelandic water drink itself the Irish bologna starts crying and acting hysterical. The Mexican pants try to cheer up the bologna because his friend just died. The bologna then wears the Mexican pants. He cheers up because now he is Pantalone!" +29206,4,"Okay, I am getting really irritated This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had ""insufficient funds""" +29207,1,I’ve been reading a book on helium. And I just couldn’t put it down. +29208,4,"I got my dick stuck in a DVD hole today... Yeah, I fucked Up." +29209,0,What do you call wifi in space? Mars bars +29210,1,"An old woman phoned the police and said that her neighbour keeps undressing in his bedroom with curtains open and lights on, so the police go and investigate, they looked out of her window and says but madam you cannot even see his bedroom with that tree in the way she replies. You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe." +29211,1,"Last week, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder... At first, I was ecstatic." +29212,0,"What perches on your computer and says ""Pieces of seven, pieces of seven""? A parity error" +29213,0,Girl are you a qwerty keyboard? Because U and I were meant to be together. +29214,2,Is it possible to grow taller after 30? Doctors say that’s a stretch +29215,0,What do you call gay pasta? Fagghetti. +29216,1,Why didn’t the clown steal coins from his grandma? Because he is Pennywise! +29217,1,"How does the Black Knight sneeze? ""Have-at-choo!""" +29218,1,What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band? Pink Freud +29219,2,"Knock, knock..........Goliath Knock, knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down -- you looketh tired" +29220,0,What do you call a group of street performers dressed like robin? Baskin Robbins +29221,0,Overwatch joke Blizzard adding Doomfist +29222,1,"Boudreaux & Thibodeaux eating Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were eating crawfish. Thibodeaux got carried away sucking the heads and began choking. Boudreaux, being the international oilfield hand that he was, trained in first aid, recognized the international sign for choking, and jumped up to help him. He ran behind Thibodeaux, pulled his jeans down and run his tongue all up the crack of his ass. Well, Thibodeaux gets excited and POP, out come de crawfish head. Boudreaux, he sit back down and says ""You know, Thib, that hind-lick maneuver work every time.""" +29223,7,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ? None. +29224,0,What do you call a black man on the moon? *An Astronaut* +29225,0,What do you call a fortune teller who can’t predict the future? Unprophetable. +29226,3,"A husband texts his wife from the office, ""Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"" Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back. ""Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"" ""OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!"", she texted back. ""Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my first message.""" +29227,1,What is the best part about an ISIS joke? The execution +29228,0,Is it possible for God to be a Cheeto Puffed? Because these taste pretty fucking great. EDIT: I'm getting downvoted but figure this is the reddit algorithm! cheeky cunts +29229,0,"So a man is standing at a urinal releaving himself and another man walks up behind him and says ""My God your fat. Your belly sticks so far out I'd bet you cant even see your privates"". The man at the urinal says ""Yeah... I'm fat. And yeah... it's been quite a while since I've been able to look down and see my privates."" The man behind him says ""Why dont you diet?"" and the man at the urinal says ""Well... I guess I could. What color is it now?""" +29230,2,"A baby boy is born without eyelids A baby boy is born without eyelids. The parents are distraught, asking the doctor what can be done. ""There's a procedure, experimental, but successful in all cases,"" the doctor explains. ""The procedure involves using the foreskin removed during circumcision, and using it as the eyelids."" ""Why, that's wonderful!"" exclaims the father. ""The tissue actually seems to be quite similar"" he ponders. It seems a perfect procedure.. ""But doc,"" asks the mother, ""are there any side effects? Breathing a heavy sigh, the doctor explains, ""Why yes. Your son will be a bit cock-eyed.""" +29231,2,"What do you get if you combine a insomniac, a Agnostic with a Schizophrenic and a dyslexic? A person who argues with himself all night about whether or not there is a dog." +29232,1,Why you are Handsome. Threesome has three. Twosome has two. One has a hand. +29233,0,"A catholic goes into confession... ... and tells his priest ""I confess, I am struggling to understand the election. I fear that a man who has been divorced twice is not my president."" After long pause, and much deliberation the father replied - ""Many do my son. I fear it may even destroy our church, everyone is turning Protestant!"" " +29234,0,I don't always tell dad jokes about fruit. But when I do they are appealing. +29235,3,"A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar. I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it." +29236,3,Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation. +29237,3,How do you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glovebox. +29238,1,Did you hear about the troublesome teaspoon? It went into the kitchen and caused a stir. +29239,2,"Little Johnny is sitting in class behind a girl named April The teacher asks “who created the universe” Little Johnny poked April with his pencil and April yelled “MY GOD” the teacher replied with “ yes, god did create the universe” Then the teacher asked another question “where do you go when you live a good life after you die” Little Johnny pokes April with his pencil again and April yelled “heaven to Betsy” The teacher replied with “ yes, you do go to heaven when you live a good life after you die” Then the teacher asked “what did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child” Little Johnny poked April again with his pencil and April yelled “ if you stick that thing into me again I’m just gunna lose it” The teacher looked at April then fainted" +29240,3,I wanted to tell you a time travelling joke but you didn’t like it. +29241,2,What do you call a dumb ant that can put out a fire? A Fire-retard-ant +29242,2,Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet? You can get thinner there. +29243,2,"There is a farmer waiting in line at the patent office There is a farmer in line at the patent office. Once his turn comes, the farmer shows the patent clerk an apple. ""I want to patent this apple,"" he says. The patent clerk starts making fun of him. ""You're saying you invented the apple?"" ""This is no ordinary apple"" the farmer reveals. ""This is a very special apple. If you take a bite, you'll realize this apple tastes like pussy"". The clerk again makes fun of him, but now he's curious. So takes a bite, chews and then spits everything on the floor. ""What the fuck!"" the patent clerk screams. ""This apple tastes like ass!"" And the farmer said: ""Turn it around, stupid!""" +29244,0,What's brown and sticky? Vanessa blue. +29245,1,"[NSFW] What do you call two lesbians smoking a bump of crack, rolling a joking, and eventually having sex? Rock, Paper, Scissors" +29246,0,I'm sure you've heard this one before...so a man walks into a bar... And gets a concussion. +29247,1,"Breaking up with gay guys is a pain in the ass Then again, staying with them is, too" +29248,0,Cannibals don't like clowns. They taste funny. +29249,3,Tried to return something I bought but they wouldn't take it back. The adoption center has a real tight policy about that it seems. +29250,1,Why did 'Civil Disobedience' take so long to write? The author was being Thoreau +29251,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get hit by a car to get to the 'other side'! +29252,0,"What do you call a multi-cultural, homosexual convention? 50 Shades of Gay" +29253,5,"Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA. - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring" +29254,0,"Hey Cletus, yew have any idear what a docky moss is? *Wut the Sam Hill r’you talkin’ ‘bout Jim Bob?* Well I was watching one of them there Japanimated cartoons, yew know, them ones with the preverted octypusses? *Hey watch out now, some ah them has little girls in ‘em, my cousin got caught with one like that an’ now he’s on one of them lists.* Yeah ah knowdit. Anyways, I was watching’ one, and between the scenes with the octypusses they was sittin’ down to have dinner, right? Steada sayin’ grace like folks ‘at ain’t no heathens, they all told each other ta... **eat a docky moss.**" +29255,1,I took some fiber supplements today Good shit. +29256,1,Introducing new Beats by Chris Brown Now available in black and blue +29257,1,If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors... You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers. +29258,4,"I don't always tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment." +29259,0,I’m worried about robots being used as judges in the future.... It will be A.I. for A.I. +29260,3,Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin there. +29261,0,"What did the Indian pirate say to the boat Captain? ""Argh, gimmie me alla yer Buddha!""" +29262,0,"2 Asians are about to rob a distilary First asian says is it whisky? 2nd asian says no, wobbing a bank is whisky." +29263,0,What do you call a woman who works in a sunbed shop? Tanya +29264,1,"What did the man say when Sarah Palin wouldn’t stop talking? Oh no, it must be Palindrone Week." +29265,0,How do you make a octopus laugh? Ten-tickles +29266,1,The bottle of ketchup slipped from my hands yesterday. This event caused a huge pain to ma toes. +29267,6,"A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinic He puts a sign outside that says 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."" Lawyer: ""Ugh. this is kerosene."" Doctor: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."" The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: ""I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."" Doctor: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."" Lawyer (annoyed): ""This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."" Doctor: ""Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."" The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: ""My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."" Doctor: ""Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."" Lawyer (staring at the bill): ""But this is $20, not $100!!"" Doctor: ""Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.""" +29268,0,I attempted to get a photo of the fog yesterday... I mist. +29269,7,I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today My self control is really improving +29270,1,"What do you call a woman, that slept with the whole orchestra? A symphomaniac" +29271,2,Why doesn't Santa want to go down the chimney? He has Santa Claustrophobia +29272,0,"What is a Pirates favorite Cheese? jARRRRRRlsberg Swiss NOTE: You can also use this for a Jarl's favorite as well, and yes it is VERY cheesy." +29273,1,"After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it." +29274,0,They say alcohol is a depressant I say if your drinking and depressed then you're not drinking enough. +29275,1,"Do You Smell That? Bill’s wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why. The salesman says, “Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you.” He drives the car 100 miles an hour toward a brick wall, and when he’s 100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, “Do you smell that?” She takes a sniff and says, “Uh-huh.” The salesman says proudly, “That’s hydraulic backspin brakes.” That night when Bill gets home, his wife says, “Dear, I bought a car.” Bill asks, “How did you decide which kind to buy?” She says, “I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you."" They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. “Do you smell that?” Bill says, “I ought to! I’m sitting in it.” " +29276,0,I would tell a mexican joke.. I would tell a Mexican joke but that would be crossing the border.. +29277,0,Why does the sun set at night? The moon scares the daylights out of it! +29278,0,What is the similarities between Bernie Madoff and Atoms? ​They both make up everything! +29279,0,Steven Colbert helped cover up Pizza Gate the other night on his show... I guess he is Catholic after all.... +29280,4,Why can't Pakistanis play soccer? Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store +29281,3,"I'll never forget my father's last words to me... ""Tell your mom I'm going to the store, I'll be back in a bit.""" +29282,4,"A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is… A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”. The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”" +29283,0,"When preparing for the circumcision my Rabbi asked me ""So whens tip off?""" +29284,0,What would Emmett Brown create if he were a chef? A Thyme Machine +29285,0,"On this day 2000 years ago... Jesus said ""Yo heals, can I get a rez?""" +29286,1,"A man walks into a sketchy pet shop looking for a different type of pet... The man at the shop says, ""Well, sir, I have a crocodile with 5 legs."" The man says, ""No, I've seen that before."" ""How about this short-necked giraffe?"" ""Isn't that just a deer?"" The man asked. ""Moving on the shopkeep replied in a hurry. As they continued on, the man saw something in the back of the store. It was a large cage with a small box in it labeled ""DANGER: DO NOT TOUCH OR SPEAK TO ANIMAL"" Being curious as he was the man inquired into it. ""That is a very dangerous animal known as a Wollibugger. It can destroy anything you tell it to."" Unconvinced the man asked for a demonstration. The shopkeep called out, ""Wollibugger! Box!"" And in a flash the box was gone and all that sat there was a cute pink fluffy ball. ""I'll take it!"" said the man. The shopkeep reluctant sold the man the Wollibugger. The man got home with his new pet very excited. He did have to go out to dinner that night, though, so he decided to bring the Wollibugger with him. At the restaurant, he was so anxious that he needed to show the waiter. ""Wollibugger, napkin!"" And the napkin was gone. The waiter, unamused, pawned it off as a trick. ""No, man you gotta believe me I just don't want to cause a scene by taking down a table or anything!"" ""Sure,"" the waiter replied. And he was walking away, the waiter whispered under his breath, ""tch, Wollibugger, my butt.""" +29287,3,What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. +29288,0,Did you know... Handcuffs are legally binding +29289,0,What was the name of the female slave turned bounty hunter? Jane Doe Unchained. +29290,2,"The bell rang at school...... The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, ""John, why are you late?"" He replied, ""I was on Cherry Hill."" Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, ""Why are you late?"" Nathan answered, ""I was on top of Cherry Hill."" Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, ""Kevin, where have you been?"" Kevin replied, ""I was on Cherry Hill."" Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, ""Hi there, what's your name?"" The girl replied, ""Cherry Hill.""" +29291,0,"Wanna hear a joke? Clinton, Hillary Clinton." +29292,9,"The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation." +29293,1,Why’s is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live! Credit to my FedEx delivery guy for this one. Not sure if someone has said this one but I thought it was funny and maybe worth rehashing. +29294,2,My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that... +29295,2,"A nurse reaches into her pocket She pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, “Hey! Some asshole has my pen!”" +29296,1,Are you a man? (A quiz) Check all that apply to you. ☐ must be swift as the coursing river ☐ with all the force of a great typhoon ☐ with all the strength of a raging fire ☐ mysterious as the dark side of the moon +29297,2,"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale always starts out ""once upon a time"" A ghetto fairytale always starts out ""y'all ain't fittin to believe dis shit""" +29298,5,Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs. It's about fucking thyme. +29299,1,Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus. They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car. +29300,2,Why did Dave get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate +29301,0,"So a Russian man is sprinting down the street Eventually he is stopped by a woman who ask ""why the heck are you running?"" The Russian replies "" I will be late for a dentist appointment."" The woman curious ask how long till the appointment? The Russian replies ""4 hours."" ""4 hours!"" She says shocked "" You don't need to be rushing like that if it's 4 hours away!"" The man replies ""I may be Russian but at least I'm not Stalin."" As he continues on his way." +29302,3,"I have sex almost everyday... ... Almost had sex on monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday I almost had sex... " +29303,3,Why are Mexican midgets called a paragraph? Because they're too short to be an essay. +29304,0,I don’t wanna make 9/11 jokes Cause their just gonna crash and burn +29305,0,How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh. You're still doing that? +29306,6,"I, for one... like Roman numerals. " +29307,1,"We are sorry to announce that we are out of diapers, Poise, and Attends. We apologize for any incontinence." +29308,3,What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line? Fast food +29309,3,"My wife and I are really into S&M. She snores, I masturbate." +29310,2,"Little Susie Little Susie was a good girl and always went to Sunday School with her friends, but she sometimes found it hard to concentrate during the lesson, and more than once she found herself dozing off in class. One morning, the teacher was recounting a few classic bible stories, and when she was done she asked the class a few questions. ""Who is the creator of the Universe and everything in it?"" Little Tommy took the opportunity and stuck little Susie with a pin he had brought from home, and she jumped straight up in her seat and yelled, ""Holy Lord Almighty!!"" Her teacher was a little confused at her outburst but was pleased that someone knew the answer. She smiled at Susie and continued with the lesson. Susie found herself drifting off to sleep again, and a few minutes the teacher asked to the class, ""Who was crucified on a cross and was resurrected three days later?"" Little Tommy saw his chance and stuck Susie with the pin again, and she shot up out if her seat and screamed, ""Oh my sweeet Jesus!!"" The teacher was again a little confused but still pleased with her response, and continued on with the lesson. Again Susie drifted off to sleep. And sure enough, after a dew minutes the teacher had another question. ""What did Eve say to Adam after their twenty-third child?"" A quick jab from Tommy, and Susie was up screaming at the top of her lungs, ""You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!!""" +29311,0,"After missing that catch, Brady should be given a tour of the pit of misery. Dilly dilly!" +29312,0,Very handy service to the country by a farmer A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road. Then it crashed into the tree and overturned. Blood and glass were everywhere. A middle-aged farmer working on the field nearby saw the accident and decided to help: he dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians who were still alive. He thought he did his country a good service +29313,2,"So a baseball rolls into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says ""You must be here for a pitcher!"" [Edit] I'm pretty sure I made this joke up y'all! " +29314,3,Never get a Brazilian wax It's a total rip-off. +29315,0,Why can't t-rex's play the piano? Cause they're extinct. +29316,1,What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? Deadant Deadant Deadant +29317,0,"New Years Eve Joke A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says ""I've been invited to New Years eve dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"" Clerk: ""How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."" The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: ""you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."" New Years eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: ""if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you."" the young man replies ""if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come.""" +29318,0,Pizza is like sex Pizza is like sex I only get it from Papa John +29319,0,"There many similarities between the JFK and Lincoln assassinations For example the night before Lincoln was assassinated he was in Monroe,Maryland. Well not many people know this but the night before JFK was assassinated he was in Marilyn Monroe." +29320,1,"Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe and he says to the waitress ""I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."" The waitress replies, ""I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?""" +29321,0,Me: What time is it My friend: Time to get a watch Me: You are not a clown you are the entire circus +29322,1,They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99. It will be the bill that was formerly known as a Twenty. ​ +29323,1,My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille. It’s giving me Goosebumps +29324,0,My friend always has a shit eating grin. Who would've thought someone could be so happy while eating their own feces. +29325,5,"A son asks his dad, ""Tell me a joke!"" And his dad replies, ""Pussy!"" The son tells him, ""I don't get it..."" And his dad says, ""I know you don't.""" +29326,0,what happens when a frogs car breaks down? it gets toad +29327,4,"Sisters of Mercy Brothel A man is in middle of long, boring drive when he sees a sign on the side of the road that says ""Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles"". He's a little taken aback and thinks he read it wrong, and he keeps driving. Am little while later he sees another sign, ""Sister of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles"". He can't believe what he's seeing and continues his drive. Soon he sees the sign with an arrow ""Sisters of Mercy Brothel"". His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls over into the parking lot. On the door there's a sign ""Enter, my child"", so he goes inside and follows a long, winding, dark pathway until he reaches another door with a basket in front of it. Above the basket it says ""Drop $100 in the basket and enter"". Now excited, the man drops his $100 and opens the door. The door slams shut behind him and he finds himself back in the parking lot next to a sign... ""You've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy. Go in Peace""." +29328,0,Life is like soup I'm a fork +29329,1,Once you go black you never go back. This is a very concerning statement for me because my poop has been black for about a week and it burns really bad and google says black stool means blood early in my digestive tract and I don't know what to do please help +29330,0,"Went for my yearly examination at the Health Centre The nurse said: ""You really should stop masturbating"" I said: ""Why?"" She said: ""Because I'm trying to examine you"" " +29331,1,I asked a gangsta for directions once The only one he could give me was straight up +29332,0,How do you grab the attention of a Jew? You ask that Jew to lend you their ears. Edit: ask to lend you their ears with 100 % interest. +29333,1,The pool boy fucked the nanny So I caught the cold my wife had +29334,1,"What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time? Kimchi Possible, obviously" +29335,4,"This is 911, what's your emergency? the operator asked ""I tell the same damn joke over and over again"", the man replied. ""That's not really a problem..."" the operator said. The man shouts ""You hear that, /r/jokes? Now get off my case!"" " +29336,0,Why redditors don't like Reddit app? Coz it hasn't got copy text option for posts. +29337,2,"A straight man walks into a gay bar... A straight man walks into a gay bar and immediately takes a seat at the bar. He had never been in that particular bar before, and it didn't take long for him to notice that a majority of the patrons in the bar were farting openly. The thing is, all of the farts he noticed were ""airy"" sounding and almost silent. He found that odd, but continued drinking his beer and chatting with the guys at the bar. After a few minutes, he felt a roarin' butt-cough coming and decided to just let it rip since everyone else seemed okay with it. He shifted in his seat and let loose a loud, juicy, growler of a fart. Immediately he noticed that the men around him perked up and started glancing at him. After a few minutes, the guy to his left spoke up and said ""So uhh... you're a virigin huh?""" +29338,1,"I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars." +29339,1,"I told my mate I was taking my wife to the Caribbean for a holiday. 'Jamaica?' He replied. No, she's coming of her own accord. " +29340,1,Life is like a box of chocolates. You always end up getting the one you don’t like. +29341,4,"The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents ...." +29342,0,My doctor told me I need to start working out with dumb bells. Any of you want to go jogging with me? +29343,3,My new girl friend is a porn star She would probably kill me if she found out +29344,0,What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog +29345,0,What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep. Why do elephants have trunks? Sheep don't have strings. +29346,3,A boy fell down the well and got stuck for the entire day It was a day well spent +29347,4,"One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before. The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. ""This is one third of my monthly salary !"" he yelled. Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him: "" I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people . "" So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly. One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got ""minus pi r squared"". He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper: "" Switch the limits of the integral !!!""" +29348,3,"Three Couples Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. ""If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,"" says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, ""Have you completed the month with sex?"" ""Yes we have, it was easy,"" replies the elderly couple. ""How about you?"" He asks the middle-aged couple. ""It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month,"" they respond. ""And how about you two?"" He asks the young couple. ""No we couldn't do it,"" responds the boyfriend. ""Tell me why,"" says the priest. ""Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."" The priest then tells them, ""You're not welcome in my church."" ""We're not welcome in the supermarket either,"" says the boyfriend." +29349,2,Why will you never starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there. +29350,4,What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph because he’s not a full essay. +29351,0,"A minister, priest and a rabbi are in a coffee shop discussing their faiths and how to grow their congregations. The discussion grew rather heated on the topic of which of them could do the best job. So they set themselves a challenge: They each had one week to find and convert a bear to their religion. They agreed to meet back at the coffee shop in a week to discuss their success. The next week the minister arrives at the coffee shop with his leg in a cast. He sees the priest waiting; he has an arm in a cast. The minister points at the cast and says “how did you do that?” “Well,” said the priest, “I was in the woods looking for a bear and I ran across one near a river. He had just caught a fish and was about to eat it when I slapped the fish out of his paws. He lunged at me and I wrestled with him until we fell into the river, where I baptized him in the water. He became docile as a lamb and is coming to mass on Sunday.” The priest pointed to the minister’s leg. “How about you?” “Much the same story,” said the minister. “I too was walking through the woods looking for a bear when I came upon one who was eating a large honeycomb. I grabbed the honeycomb and ran. He chased me and we wrestled on the ground until we fell into a pond, where I baptized him in the water. He became docile as a lamb and is coming to church on Sunday.” Just then the rabbi was wheeled in in a full body cast. “Good Lord, what happened to you?” The others asked him. “Well,” said the rabbi, “I probably shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”" +29352,2,What do you call a smug criminal walking down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending. Edit: A space +29353,2,What's common between terrorists and prostitutes? Blowjob. +29354,0,Whats the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and Holocaust victims Caitlyn Jenner came out of the closet +29355,3,A terrible knock knock joke Knock knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? Haha you eat your poo! (Source: me in 3rd grade) +29356,1,What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay? You get a Christian Bale +29357,1,I hope my new landlord isn't gay I hear they're always uptight assholes +29358,0,What's the difference between a dead joke and a dead horse? Can't fuck a dead joke +29359,0,What did Hitler do to people who didn't like his facial hair? He sent them to Stauschwitz. +29360,2,What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe ? Roberto !! +29361,0,"A grandfather finishes watching the New Year's celebration on live TV The next day, he tells his granddaughter. ""Hey, did you see everything they did in New York for the New Year? Wasn't it cool?"" She rolls her eyes. ""Get with the times, grandpa. That was _so_ last year.""" +29362,2,"Ole and Lena want to join the local church So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”. Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try” 30 days go by and Ole and Lena meet with the pastor again. Pastor asks “so, Ole and Lena, how did you do abstaining from sex for 30 days?” Ole says “Vell, vee were doin pretty gud until ‘bout day 28. Lena was bending over to pick up a sack of potatoes, and I just couldn’t take it no more, I had to have her right then and there” The pastor says “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to welcome you into our church at this time” Ole nods his head solemnly and says “yah, they won’t let us back into the grocery store no more, needer”" +29363,4,"Mickey Mouse wants to divorce Minnie Lawyer – Mickey Mouse, you say you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly? Mickey – No, I said, she is fucking Goofy! " +29364,2,Don't ever hit a guy with glasses Your fists can hit harder +29365,5,How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. +29366,1,"Ladies, name your baby ""Gotham"" So when it cries in the middle of the night, you can tell your husband, ""Gotham needs you""" +29367,4,What makes an ISIS joke good? The execution. +29368,3,What do Wasps wear in the winter? Yellow Jackets. +29369,9,"A nun walks into Hooters... [NSFW] A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into Hooters. The place was buzzing with music and conversation, and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers, however when the revelers saw the nun the place went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and said ""may I please use the restroom?"" the bartender replied ""sure, but I should warn you there's a statue of a man in there wearing only a fig leaf."" ""Well in the case I shall look the other way"" the nun said, so the bartender showed the nun the way to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place erupted into a round of applause. She went to the bartender and said ""sir, I don't understand, why did the give me a round of applause just for coming out of the restroom?"" ""Well, now they know you're one of us"" said the bartender with a wink ""would you like a drink?"" ""No thank you. But I still don't understand"" said the puzzled nun. ""You see"" the bartender laughed ""every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."" " +29370,0,My ex-wife keeps missing me..... .......BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! *Gunshot* +29371,0,Wheel of Fortune is just like hangman With a twist +29372,1,A penguin and a giraffe were fighting for a promotion Giraffe got promoted because people looked up to him! +29373,4,What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't. +29374,5,"A dog was drowning in a pond... A German man ran over and jumped into the pond to try and save it. When he got out, the dog was unconscious, but it was safe for now. A bystander, who had watched this happen, asked the man: “are you a vet?” The man replied: “am I vet? I’m fucking soaking!”" +29375,1,Why did the cow go on holiday? She had a wee calf. +29376,1,What’s a transsexuals favorite drink? Gender fluid +29377,0,Yesterday my school held a seminar on how to hold orgasms +29378,1,What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence. +29379,0,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he, euhm had.. probably...an good reason for that. " +29380,1,"Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry? \\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps." +29381,2,Dads are like boomerangs... ... I hope. +29382,1,"A Chinese mother with a terrible stutter There once was a Chinese woman named Wei, and her family had decided to move to America ever since Wei was 14 years of age. Though this was hard for Wei because her language transition didn't go over so well. She could speak clearly, but she'd always find herself stuttering on the last word. Since she was a qualified as a transfer student, she enrolled in a community college just to find the love of her life. His name was Yoa, a Hawaiian boy who thought that Wei was just blushing whenever she stuttered. They got married six years later, both had achieved their bachelors degrees and were ready to start a family. They had two twins planned, but since it was hard to tell whether they were boys or girls at the time, they didn't decide on names just yet. They were excited to start the family they had always dreamed of, they just wanted it to happen sooner. Unfortunately though, Yoa passed away 4 months before the twins births. He commit suicide, he hung himself. Wei sat there crying at his funeral with her cursed stutter sobbing, ""No-no!"" over and over, he was gone. Wei decided to name the twins Mei and Kai. Time moved on and the kids learned not to talk about their father, their mother would always say ""he would've loved you-you"". Time moved on, now the kids were in High school, and Wei was recently contacted by the school administration. It had come to their attention that Mei, the daughter, was recently showing odd signs of depression. The school had good reason to believe that Mei might be getting bullied, and that evidence could be found at how she was caught cutting herself in the gym. Mei wasn't the talkative type, nor the popular type, compared to her brother. Kai was basically a gym athlete with the brains for Harvard, he had everyone's respect. The school administration recommended that Mei and Kai should spend more time together, walk to school together, to classes together, and leave the campus together. Just a way to figure out if the bullying is real, whether it's cyber or real life. Wei told Kai about Mei's possible predicament and was absolutely shocked. He wasn't aware that his sister could be clinging on to some severe depression. So he decided that he would force Mei to wake up an hour early follow him an hour early so she could hang with him during his morning practice at the school gym. The next morning Wei was about to leave to work, and as Kai was getting ready for school she said, Wake Mei up before you go-go, Don't leave Mei hanging like Yoa-yoa!" +29383,4,Why do you have to nuke siberia twice? The first one is just to break the ice. +29384,0,Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts. +29385,2,"Dear Dad, $chool i$ great Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad" +29386,1,Today I went to a fancy dress party as premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants +29387,1,Congrats Amy Winehouse on being 5 years sober +29388,0,What do you call someone who gets their 1p change? Pennywise. +29389,0,"U want to hear a great joke? ""A great joke"" but you have to speak it out yourself. " +29390,0,What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees +29391,0,If I won the lottery..... ....... i’d buy a huge fan and just blow the lot. +29392,2,Did you hear about the Cobra who couldn't hold himself upright? He had reptile dysfunction +29393,0,FDR's election was a bit of an underdog story People kept telling him he couldn't stand +29394,2,"What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with them, the harder they get." +29395,4,"What do you say to a camouflaged person in a wheelchair? You can hide, but you can’t run!" +29396,2,What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? His Ass +29397,1,Tyler Durden: Welcome to Fight Club! Thanks for coming! **Me:** Don’t mention it. **Tyler Durden:** *[under breath]* Fuck he’s good. +29398,2,So many items are no longer made in America... I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”... I don���t even know where that is! +29399,0,"If womb is pronounced woom, and tomb is pronounced toom... then shouldn't bomb be pronounced boom?" +29400,1,"It was the Busta Rhymes, It was the Wursta Rhymes." +29401,3,"A women goes in a sex shop and asked for the best dildo. The seller tells her : - Take this one, the Zizi Voodoo. You just have to say twice ""Zizi Voodoo"" and a part of your body where you want it to go and it does straight away! - Ok, awesome. I'll take it. On her ride back home she decided to try it in her car. She says - Zizi Voodoo, Zizi Voodoo, my pussy. She got so excited that she pressed the gaz pedal and went straight in the front car. The police arrived and the policemen asked her what happened. She says : - It's not my fault, it's the Zizi Voodoo !! and the policemen get's angry and answers : - Zizi Voodoo, Zizi Voodoo, my ass! " +29402,2,"The elderly Italian man... The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. ""Of course, my son,"" said the priest. ""Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."" ""That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,"" said the priest. ""It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,"" continued the old man. ""Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,"" said the priest. ""Thanks, Father,"" said the old man. ""That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"" ""Of course, my son,"" said the priest. The old man asked, ""Do I need to tell her that the war is over?""." +29403,1,Elephant I bought my friend a rather large elephant for his room. He said thanks. I said don’t mention it. +29404,5,So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was... They told me just to come in my pants. +29405,3,What does a priest say when he gets excited? -Oh boy oh boy oh boy +29406,1,Today I tried nicotine free juice in my vape 0mg +29407,7,"My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth. I said it must be because he has the better dentist." +29408,1,My grandma asked where I learned a good joke I told her. I told her “Reddit” She said “read it where” I said Reddit. +29409,4,"Please enter your new password WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. " +29410,0,How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the winter! +29411,4,Why isn't there any helium in North Korea? Because helium can only be found in a free state. +29412,3,Why do engineers have to practice their social skills? So they don't forget either of them. +29413,2,What do they call divorce in India? Re-arranged marriage +29414,1,Rain drop drop top.... 1k upvotes and i'll sub to /r/clopclop +29415,0,"A teacher is teaching her class about animals. She has a list of barnyard creatures on the board and is asking the children what foodstuffs can be derived from each. ""What does the pig give us?"" Several hands go up. ""Bacon."" ""Sausages."" She nods, points to the next. ""The chicken?"" ""Chicken."" ""Eggs."" And then she comes to the last animal. ""Finally, what does the cow give us?"" A single hand goes up. ""Homework.""" +29416,0,What do you call someone who graduates from cheese university? A halloumni +29417,4,If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him... With my bear hands +29418,0,"I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs... ""Really?"" she said, ""Go on then...try."" After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded ""Come on, what day was I born?"" “Yesterday."" I replied." +29419,0,- Doctor! Doctor! Please hurry! My child shallowed my pen! - I will be there in 5 minutes! - And what shall I use for writing till you arrive? A fucking pencil you twat?! +29420,1,"A man walks into a bar with an alligator He Says to the patrons, “Heres the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”" +29421,2,"DAD'S FURNITURE FIX I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees." +29422,1,"Doctor, I think I have Tom Jones disease Dr: it’s not unusual..." +29423,1,How does Popeye like his martini prepared? One Olive on the rocks. +29424,1,I don't like foot models I don't trust people who sell their soles. +29425,1,"A man arrives home after a long night at the bar. It's 4 am. He is trying to be as quiet as possible; his wife will kill him if she finds out he spent all night drinking. He reaches the bedroom: she is asleep. Slowly, he starts undressing. He takes off his shirt Takes off his pants Takes off his socks And while he's taking off his underwear, his wife wakes up. -Honey? Did you just got back from the bar?!?! The man, not knowing what to do, puts on his underwear. Puts on his socks Puts on his pants Puts on his shirt + Just got back? I'm getting ready to go to work!" +29426,0,"One computer says to another: ""It's getting hot, we better open our Windows."" The other one says ""Yes quick before we burn""" +29427,0,What’s the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One you see in a while and the other you see later. +29428,1,"Three men walk into a bar... An Irish man, a Scots man and an English man. The Scots man goes: My son was born on St.Andrews day so we called him Andrew. The English man says: That's funny, my son was born on St.Stephens day so we called him Stephen. The Irish man pipes in: Wow that happened to my son aswell, isn't that right pancake!" +29429,0,i love having the day off of work today *laughs in American* +29430,1,Yo momma so fat Her driver's license picture had to be taken by satellite +29431,0,"A patient that can't talk visits a doctor. The doctor asks him to lay is hand on the table, he then grabs an hammer and hits the patients hand. The patients yells out: 'AAAAAAAA!' 'Good.' says the doctor ' Come back tomorrow so we will learn you the B.'" +29432,0,"What kind of mission does Barry go on in the Bee Movie? A *sting* operation. Sorry this joke isn't long, thought I wouldn't waste any time and just get straight to the *point*." +29433,2,Man walks into a bar Orders the most expensive bottle of champagne and downs it in one. He then orders the very best brandy and polishes it off the same way. He looks at the barman and says I really shouldn’t have done that with what Ive got. The barman says “why what have you got ?” The man replies £3 +29434,0,My girlfriend keeps complaining that nothing in this sub is funny She'll NEVER see this line because she doesn't open them. +29435,2,Where do ghosts live? They don’t. +29436,2,Why are ginger roles played mostly by everyone but gingers? It's because you have to sell your soul to get anywhere in Hollywood. +29437,1,You know how you catch a polar bear? You go out on a frozen tundra and cut a hole in the ice. Then put a ring of peas around the hole. When the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole. +29438,2,What do you call a Christian superhero? A-men +29439,1,What was Whitney Houston's (R.I.P.) favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE! +29440,0,Dr. Dre. marries Julianne Moore Caleb immediately gets the beats +29441,1,What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke +29442,2,"A few years ago, I worked with a woman that was totally obssessed with her dogs... ...and would take every opportunity to tell everyone about them. She really bored 'er collieagues. Shit Sue we called her." +29443,0,"Thor went to asgard to look for the space stone Loki told him: I have been posted here, as gaurdian" +29444,1,"I worked in the restaurant business a really long time and people always said I should wash my hands after going to the bathroom. I usually didn’t. But you know what, I never got sick from it." +29445,0,What do you call a Spanish penguin? Peng-juan +29446,1,"A Jewish kid asked his father for 30$ His father said 20$?, What do you need 10$ for" +29447,3,"A father was washing a car with his son After they were done the son asked, “Why couldn’t we have used a sponge?”" +29448,7,I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea +29449,4,"Doctor, How long will it take for me to recover from this accident? Doctor: Physically 6 months and financially 12 years" +29450,0,What travels at 27 miles an hour and smells of curry? Usain Balti. +29451,2,"I like my women like I like my chicken Boneless, skinless, and covered in barbeque sauce" +29452,3,"A homless lady pushing a cart at 2 am told my friends and i this. ""What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire"" See you the same time next month. And then she cackled like a witch who'd been smoking for 40 years most of her teeth missing, it was horrifying and hilarious at the same time. " +29453,2,What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones +29454,0,If I had a dime for every time A beautiful woman looked at me longingly... I'd have a cent and a half from that time I met Handsome Steve. +29455,1,Thanos appears in the Universe of Steven Universe He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone. +29456,2,"Three guys were talking whose wife is stupid. The first one said:""My wife bought more toaster, but we don't even have thelectricity at home."" The second one said: ""My wife bought a washing machine, but we don't have water nor electricity at home."" The third one said: ""Mine is even worse. A few days ago, she went out with her girlfriends and she took two condoms with her,but she doesn't even have a dick.""" +29457,5,"Russian Joke: A little girl goes up to her mother... ...and asks her, ""Mommy, why does everyone say my face looks like an ass?"" Her mother replies, ""Oh honey no, you're beautiful! Don't listen to them, just go talk to your father."" So the little girl finds her father and asks him, ""Papa, why does everyone say that my face looks like an ass?"" And her father replies, ""No honey...don't listen to them. You're my beautiful little princess! Why don't you go talk to your grandfather? He's outside digging a well nearby."" So the little girl goes outside and finds the well, which her grandfather is inside of, digging. She leans over the edge and shouts down the well, ""Grandpa! Grandpa!"" And her Grandfather looks up, squints his eyes, and then suddenly shouts in panic, ""DON'T SHIT! DON'T SHIT!!!""" +29458,0,The 2016 election is a joke Its just like reality tv all over again +29459,0,What do you get when you put a hooker in the same car as a Cherokee Indian? A blown Injun +29460,1,Congratulations to the winner of the 2016 Presidential Election. The Curiosity rover currently 140 million miles away on Mars. +29461,2,"Trying to Have a Baby Saying that ""We are trying to have a baby"" is the only discreet way I can tell my mother-in-law that I had sex with her daughter 4 times last week. " +29462,1,"Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour. Whereas a religion……." +29463,5,"Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey At the end of the day, I can't complain." +29464,0,"I like my women the way I like my ground beef Brown, hot, and at least 85% lean " +29465,2,"6 men from Lithuania go to a Mcdonalds in America The cashier asks ""For here? to go?"" The guy in front turns to his friends and says : ""They say 2 of us have to leave.""" +29466,3,What do a catholic priest and McDonald’s making hamburgers have in common? They both put their meat between 10 year old buns P.S. Sorry if you get offended by this +29467,1,What is a dolphin's favorite TV show ? Whale of fortune ! +29468,0," Could the cereal your children eat every morning be killing them? Tonite at 11 on abcnews56 we will tell you "" After several studies , no. """ +29469,1,What's brown and sits on a piano stool? Beethoven's last movement. +29470,0,United Airlines has just become the safest international airline Not even terrorists would fly with them anymore +29471,4,"What do you call a black man driving a brand new Corvette? A fortunate human being, you racist prick." +29472,1,"I tried to call the president of Russia, but he was away from his desk. He was probably taking a leak, or maybe he was Putin." +29473,6,If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U Cuz you’re blocking the TV +29474,3,Does anyone want any old copies of Chiropractor Monthly? I've got a lot of back issues. +29475,1,What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. +29476,0,I got a text from my bank... Says I should lose my wallet in my truck more often. +29477,0,"How good of a dad is Stevie Wonder? I mean, he hasn't seen his kids." +29478,2,"Rest In Peace, Water You will be mist." +29479,0,I bought a new vacuum cleaner... ...but haven't been using it. All it is doing is standing in the closet collecting dust +29480,1,People ask me what I’ll be doing in 141 days. But I don’t have 2020 vision. +29481,2,I broke my phone recently. I threw it out the window after turning on airplane mode. Worst transformer ever. +29482,3,Why are Me and China alike? We both like to delete our history. +29483,4,"A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal. Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding? Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet. Stranger: Then why are you selling him? Farmer: Because for the last few days he's been looking at my wife kind of funny." +29484,5,"The moral of the story The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. ""Janie, do you have a story to share?"" ""Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........ She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."" ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"" ....""Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking.""" +29485,0,Can he simplify this trigonometric equation? Cos he can't! Get it? It's like cosecant. Hahahaha I made this joke in algebra 2 in high school and the class laughed for like 10 minutes straight. I believe it was the best pun of my entire life. 2 years later when I was a senior people still brought up the joke when these trigonometric identities came up. +29486,8,How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? Why does it have to be a group activity? +29487,0,What do you get when you don't speak your mind? A Broken heart... +29488,9,"A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. ""Dad!"" she exclaimed in a panic ""...I'm sorry"" The dad being a dad replies ""hi sorry, I'm Dad!"" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks ""Are you fucking sorry?""" +29489,0,Who would have thought... that the first call Trump answered at 3am would be from Hillary? +29490,1,"I’ve heard if you don’t go to the bathroom for a week, you become all knowing But then again, most people will think you’re full of shit." +29491,0,What is rest for a college student? They don’t have it +29492,0,"And the lord said onto John: ""come forth and receive eternal life."" But John came 5th and that was the end of the gangbang. " +29493,1,Porn start trying to explain the next position to his dumb co-star: Let me put it to you this way.... +29494,1,I once accidentally poured glue in my son's corn flakes He's never talked to me again +29495,5,I just invented a new word. 'Plagiarism' +29496,1,"I tried a new cologne today that made me feel like a billion bucks. It's called Musk, by Elon" +29497,1,At first I didn't think I'd like having genital warts but now they're really growing on me. +29498,1,Daisies or roses? Just checking what to put on your casket after I murder that pussy. +29499,0,What do you call it when a woman unexpectedly puts her finger in a guy's ass during sex? The Spanish Insquishinson +29500,7,[first day as a car salesman] Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. +29501,4,"Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet But most of them only have 4! ​ How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One of them sees you later, the other sees you after a while!" +29502,5,"Almost every morning, I wake up grumpy... ...but sometimes, I let her sleep." +29503,1,My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly. Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes! ^(Based on a true story) +29504,2,Got mugged by six dwarves last night... Not Happy +29505,4,"I was in a job interview today I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, ""I want you to try and sell this to me."" So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, ""Bring it back here right now!"" I said, ""£100 and it's yours.""" +29506,0,Has anyone told you about the igloo industry in Africa? I hear they have some very liquid assets. +29507,0,What do furries say when they see a donkey? That’s a fine ass +29508,1,What does a racist joke and a crime have in common? They both start with you looking over your shoulder. +29509,0,Did you hear about the god that didn't die? He was supposed to be done Thor. +29510,6,"It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. ""All this was just too wonderful for words,"" he said, "".....but what's the dollar for?"" ""Well,"" she said, ""Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"" He said, ""...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."" The blonde then blushed and said, ""....But the breakfast was my idea.""" +29511,2,Some people think of this as the hottest summer in the last 125 years But I like to think of it as the coolest summer in the next 125 years. Glass half full! +29512,2,"A guy goes to the doctor to talk about his balls The doctor calls him in and asks what the problem is. The guys says, ""It's a little embarrassing but one of my balls is bigger than the other."" The doctor says, ""That's not at all embarrassing. It's a very common issue. Let's have a look at them."" The guy says, ""Well ok but only if you promise not to laugh."" The doctor replies, ""Of course I won't laugh. I see this type of thing all the time."" So the guy unzips, sticks both hands inside his pants and pulls out this enormous testicle and flops it on the doctor's desk. The doctor can't control himself and bursts out laughing. The guy is obviously hurt and offended and says, ""Well that's it. I'm definitely not going to show you the big one now."" " +29513,0,"My gf told me to stop pretending i'm amy winehouse I said no, no, no" +29514,1,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby The bus driver says: *''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''* The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: *''The driver just insulted me!''* The man says: *''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''*   ^^^Yes ^^^it ^^^is ^^^a ^^^stolen ^^^joke" +29515,1,What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam +29516,1,Where do we get virgin wool? From *ugly* sheep! +29517,3,I used to date this girl named Ling but then I had to dumpling. +29518,4,"A man and his pet monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, ""Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"" ""Sorry,"" replied the guy. ""He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."" The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ""Did you see what your monkey did now?"" he asks. ""Yeah,"" replies the guy. ""He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.""" +29519,1,Steam is having a sale right now on Finnish games. Next week they'll go back to selling unfinished games. +29520,3,I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang Unfortunately there's no time +29521,3,"A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied: ""It's simple, these are khaki pants""" +29522,0,"How does a rabbi make a living off circumcisions? He keeps the tips. Just makes sure it isn't a cheap rip-off, those hurt." +29523,2,"The doctor's receptionist. The doctor's office receptionist was known to be an impatient, self-important old dragon of a woman. In the very crowded waiting room when a male patient wasn't answering her questions quickly enough, she asked in a loud voice with a barely-concealed smirk, ""So Mr Smith, you're here to find out if you have a venereal disease?"" The waiting room suddenly fell deadly silent but burst into an uproar when Mr Smith replied in an equally loud voice, ""No! I'm here to discuss having a sex-change operation."" He hesitated slightly before continuing, ""but if the doctor's going to send me to the same surgeon who did yours, then I've changed my mind!""" +29524,0,"Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the ""10"" button." +29525,10,"Blue Collar Joke A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.” " +29526,3,What gets heavier as it gets smaller? A coffin. +29527,2,What do you call a bee on Halloween? A boobee. +29528,4,I think of my co-workers as a second family Because I didn't get to choose any and I hate them +29529,4,"A guy went into a restaurant... When the waitress walked up he asked, “Can I ask you about the menu please?” The waitress angrily replied, “The men I please are none of your business!" +29530,1,"A dog walked into the bar I forget the rest of the story, but your mom is a nice lady and everyone respects her." +29531,1,Did you know they outlawed round bales of hay? Because the cows weren't getting a square meal. +29532,1,Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella? Pepperidge farm remembers. +29533,0,What do you call a dead asian? A failure +29534,0,A blind guys walks into a bar And his head hurt afterwards +29535,1,I know this guy that's hooked on brake fluid He said he could stop anytime. +29536,3,"Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater." +29537,4,Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good. +29538,0,"Neon: Potassium! I love you! You're the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up! I love you more than love itself! You mean the world to me, and I would give the world to be with you! Potassium: K" +29539,2,What's Jesus' favorite car? A Christler. +29540,0,What do you call an assassin that attacks from above? Altai-air +29541,0,I thought I'd do something romantic for my wife for our 10 year anniversary by taking her back to the place we met But apparently her previous owner's farm was inappropriate +29542,3,The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a condom. The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use. +29543,4,What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes? Goodwill Hunting +29544,1,Why can’t orphans afford a house? Because they can’t pay-rent. +29545,0,What do pickled cabbage and an angry German have in common? Both are Sauerkrauts. +29546,5,What do you get when you divide 355 jack o'lanterns by 113 jack o'lanterns? Pumpkin Pi. +29547,0,What do you call a misconception about a penis? A phallacy. +29548,2,Why are Jewish men Circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off +29549,1,Orphans If you're ever angry just punch an Orphan... What are they gonna do tell there parents??? +29550,1,"The story of Joe. I used to have a friend called Joe. He was new to town and never talked about where he came from. All he said was that he moved because of business reasons. About a week after Joe moved in, I realized that we actually had a lot in cimmon. We liked the same movies, the same food, all of that. We were best of friends until one night. On that night, I was planning to go on a date with my fiancé. I called her an hour before the date and she said that she cancelled. She was apparently sleeping with Joe! Outraged, I hung up and planned my revenge. The next day, I went to Joe's house. He greeted me with a nice and friendly ""hey."" I asked why he stole my fiancé from me and he said that it was because Joe had fallen in love with her. She even wanted to marry Joe more than me! I was so furious that I slammed Joe's head against the glass table, making him bleed. I instantly ran to my car and drove home. The next day, I received news that Joe wasn't happy with me. I messed his eye up pretty bad and now he had to wear a cotton patch where his left eye was for a couple of months. After I received the news, he called me and said that he was moving out of town with my ex-fiancé. He didn't say where he was going, but I still have so many questions about him. Where did he move from? Where did he go with my fiancé TL;DR: If it hadn't been for cotton eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago. Where did he come from, where did he go? Where did you come from, cotton eyed Joe?" +29551,1,Why can't Donald Trump drive through Mexico? Jesus took the wheel +29552,4,Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment? Because everyone would get the same Marx. +29553,0,"What did Quentin Tarantino say when he finally remembered his favorite musical instrument? Oh, my theremin!" +29554,3,"She asked me for breakfast in bed... I said ""maybe you should swallow next time.""" +29555,1,"The first US presidential debate will last for about 90 minutes. Alternatively, that's about six coughing fits long for the Democrats or the time it takes to completely offend equal number of minority demographics for the Republicans." +29556,1,A late night booty call woke me from a deep sleep... that damn cricket better have got some! +29557,1,How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match? Good jab. +29558,1,Did you hear about the semi-pro boxer who was an amateur pilot? He's been deciding on a career and we're still waiting on his fight or flight response. +29559,0,What feminists created this game up!?! You have to protect the queen and not the king? +29560,0,"What did the caveman who was always trying to convince people things say to his friends when he was leaving? Here, me out" +29561,1,I'm so old I stopped buying green bananas. +29562,1,Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'... And they're going to call it 'Modern Family.' +29563,0,A dad bod is just like something else I never had as a kid... ...a father figure +29564,3,Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat? Not because he was into beastiality you Islamophobe... He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday. +29565,3,What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a rapist? Alien Vs Predator +29566,5,They said I would miss my family... I never miss at close range. +29567,0,"A friend told me they saw a blind person abseil down a skyscraper. I thought ""Wow, that must have been one brave golden retriever.""" +29568,0,If earth is flat what's on the other side then? ADELE +29569,3,"Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram. Son: Thanks Dad. Dad: No problem, Alan." +29570,2,What do you call an italian astronaut? A specimen +29571,2,"Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home. After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, ""I've never come this way before."" And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, ""I know, it's the cobblestones.""" +29572,3,I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger then it hit me +29573,5,What is it called when one biologist steals a petri dish from another biologist? Cultural appropriation. +29574,2,What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12 +29575,2,What's the fastest way to double your money? Fold it in half ^^....I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out +29576,3,I think my proctologist is hitting on me He said that my ass is fine +29577,1,What do you call a man who sells impossible houses? A surreal estate agent +29578,0,What kind of drugs do musicians use? Voicecrack +29579,1,I was going on about how cold I was my Canadian friend. He was having Nunavut. +29580,1,Whats worse than one bee sting? Two bee stings Whats worse than two bee stings? The holocaust Whats worse than the holocaust? Three bee stings +29581,2,What did one cell say to his sister cell after she stepped on his toes? Mitosis! +29582,0,We've all seen the black hole today and it's bigger than our solar system Your mom's hole is still bigger. +29583,3,"A wise man once said nothing. He let her vent, and then they had sex." +29584,0,Why can't penguins fly? Because they're a chocolate biscuit.   Credit: back of a penguin biscuit +29585,1,I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the Spanish Ink Quiz Session +29586,4,Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer? He tends to leave people hanging. +29587,1,This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: Man:\ +29588,0,"I dont mean to complain that it's too hot in here, but... ... two Hobbits just threw in a ring throught the window." +29589,3,50% of analysis is... anal. +29590,6,Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13? Midlife Crisis. +29591,7,There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison. +29592,3,"Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me" +29593,0,"You are what you eat, So if youre eat marshmallows, you're a marshmallow, if you eat a 12 year old, your a Catholic Priest" +29594,4,You ever tried Wookie meat? Its chewy. +29595,2,"Say what you will about Jeffrey Epstein, he always drove slower than the speed limit around schools." +29596,2,My roommate just got crusher by a lot of books I guess he’s only got his shelf to blame Edit: crusher should be crushed 😅 +29597,1,There's no difference What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick +29598,3,I hate people who can’t let go of the past Debt collectors are the worst +29599,3,"Generally, the phrases ""I'm sorry"" and ""I apologise"" are used synonymously... But not at a funeral. " +29600,5,"On Christmas morning On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, ""Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"" The kid says, ""Yeah."" The cop says, ""Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."" The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, ""By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"" Humoring the kid, the cop says, ""Yeah, he sure did."" The kid says, ""Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.""" +29601,4,Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green. +29602,5,"Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen? No, David." +29603,4,"Is Google male or female? Female, because it can't let you finish a sentence without providing several suggestions." +29604,0,"So I spent the last 10 years trying to find my brother Jim.... He had recently posted pictures of himself posing in the far corners of the earth...Under the stars in the outback, on beautiful sandy beaches..last Photo he was on the top of mount Everest..barely recognisable, a huge beard, and he hadn't aged well. What a selfish prick! had the audacity to keep a Facebook page going but wouldn't even phone home or respond to my messages. So after the photo on Everest, i dipped into my savings and took the next flight to Nepal. I was on his tail, the locals knew him well as the crazed man on a mission...I followed his tracks back to the airport, where the airline was able to give his destination, hed just jumped on a plane back to our home town a few days prior, so i called home...""Jims here!"" mum said in tears through the phone. I took the next flight home fuming with anger. 2 days later I arrived home and walked through the door, and see Jim, the light from the window gleaming through his hair like an angel. ""Jim you absolute bastard where have you been! Note even a call?"" ""I've been on a mission of enlightenment! when I found myself stranded in the desert, some monks came to my aid and I became obsessed with the mysterious beautiful sounds of their monetary, but I needed to become one of them to uncover their origin"" ""so?"" I said, ""what did you find out?"" ""Oh I'm sorry"" he said ""you are not a monk, I cannot share that with you"" he said" +29605,1,"LPT: If your phone gets wet, leave it in some rice to fix it. The rice will attract Asians who come and fix your phone. You're welcome." +29606,2,"3 men preachers go to heaven 3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- ""you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny."" And then he says to the second man- ""you cant get into heaven because you lusted for liquor your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named brandy."" When st. Peter looks to the third man he turns and looks at his wife and says- "" let's go Fannie we ain't got no business here.""" +29607,0,They say 99.9% of people are unique in some way... I guess I'm the 0.01% that isn't. +29608,1,Did you hear about the sick juggler? He couldn't stop throwing up. +29609,2,We were discussing the races and dwarvs are my favorite. The reason? They always appear to be down to earth. +29610,0,What do you call a know-it-all desert plant? A factus +29611,1,I tried to count to infinity But i only made it halfway +29612,0,"Trump is now all for alternative fuels... Yep, he just heard about 89 and 93 octane... " +29613,0,What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. +29614,0,"It was all a game John was a normal guy, that went to through life the normal way, study, got a nice boring job, a nice wife and few kids and traveled a bit. After John death, he discovered​ that the after life, are the real world, and every thing he did in his life, was just a game, and you get a score of how well you use your ""time"" on earth. When he checked his score, he found that he got a 3.7/10. He checked the ladder boards, and looked for the highest scores. There were 3 men that got a score above 9, and he found video of the special occasion. They were Stalin, Roosevelt and Hitler The judges called Roosevelt, and told him: ""Good job, you changed the world by creating the biggest invasion ever! You get 9.5, you used your time in a great way."" Then they called Stalin: ""Stalin you killed so much people, some hated you some loved you, but every body respected you. You did things that changed the world as we know it, you get 9.5!"" Then they called Hitler. As Hitler come, every body in the room stand up and start clapping with great respect. The judges, shake his hand, and say: ""You got a 10! because of your actions and life choices this knuckle heads got 9.5!"" Hope you like it, I thought about it when I was high." +29615,0,How were competitions different for 80s and 90s kids? Answers on a postcard... +29616,0,Why was the buffalo embarrassed about his calf? [OC] Because he had a bi son +29617,10,Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor +29618,3,Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother. Taxi Vader +29619,2,There should be a 12 step program for people who talk too much... On-and-on anon +29620,1,"What is your job, young man? The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young manager ""Yes smarty, what do you do?"" Manager (calmly) : ""Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."" Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around. The CEO looks with glaring eyes at the VP; VP glares at the manager, ""Explain your last remark idiot."" Manager (looking at the CEO) : Actually Sir, whenever I say something, the VP says ""When I need your fucking advice, I'll ask for it.""" +29621,0,What do you call a black man flying an airplane? Pilot. +29622,0,Australians don't have sex... Australians mate. +29623,0,"What’s a similarity between a psychotic woman and an oven If you use both of them one time without safety and leave them unattended, they both burn your house down." +29624,0,Knock knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? Cows go moo you idiot. +29625,0,What if the Nice Terrorist actually wanted to catch Mewtwo before all other people? +29626,4,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None +29627,0,Why don't babies work? Because they're all out of cervix +29628,3,"A man and a genie A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores. The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle. The genie says ""I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."" The man says ""Since I was a small child, I have dreamed of going to Hawaii. However, whenever I get on a boat, I get seasick. I also hate the idea of flying. My one request is to have a bridge from here, all the way to Hawaii."" The genie says ""That is a very unrealistic and materialistic wish. Think of how much concrete that would require. It would also require a lot of support beams stretching down deep into the ocean. I could grant the wish, but I don't like to grant such unrealistic requests. If you have another wish in mind, please, state it now"". The man says ""I have a friend who I've known for a while. He is a massive Apple fan. He acts like he's hot stuff and superior to others because he spent $800 on a phone because a forced update made his older phone slower, and there is only a size difference. Can you please open up his eyes, let him realize he's being ripped off?"" The genie says ""My, that's a very interesting request. So, how many lanes do you want the bridge to have? Which island do you want the bridge to go to?""" +29629,2,Why did the black pirates jump overboard Because they heard the Sirens +29630,0,What do you call a Muslim that's late to everything? 9/12 +29631,1,"Did you hear about the guy who broke into a paint factory? Yeah, i heard they caught him red handed." +29632,4,What's it called when a hillbilly gets resurrected? Reintarnation +29633,0,"A man goes to a doctor Man: Doctor! help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking." +29634,0,"Q1: what is a Jehovah's witness's favorite spice? Q2: what is a pornstar's favorite spice? A: cumin, obviously " +29635,1,Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets. Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader? +29636,0,I was mugged by an iOS developer today. He threatened to pop an app in my ass. +29637,0,I installed one of those deer alarms on the front bumper of my pickup backwards... When I got home there was 7 deer behind me. +29638,0,"A secretary and her boss were working A secretary and her boss were working when he said ""Damn, your ass looks great, can we fuck?"" She responded:No you pervert! The boss said: look I'll throw 2000$ on the floor and by the time you bend over and pick it up I'll stop fucking. She calls her husband and he agrees if its quick. 45 Minutes later, he calls and asks how did it go? She says ""That motherfucker had coins, He's still fucking I'm still picking."" " +29639,0,"What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush." +29640,1,So I just got home after a date and the girl wanted to join me for some coffee. I said no. Who the fuck drinks coffee at 10PM? +29641,1,"When ever someone asks me how I'm able to insult people so well..... I say ""I'm German, roasting people is what I do...""" +29642,4,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” ​ Watson replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.” ​ “What does that tell you?” Holmes ponders for a minute. ​ “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” ​ Holmes is silent for a minute, then says, “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”" +29643,1,I keep thinking diarrhoea is part of the family history. Because it's in my genes. +29644,2,"A man, his girl and his nights. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes. " +29645,1,As my flight touched down in Birmingham AL the pilot said to adjust our watches for the local time. How the fuck am I supposed to adjust my watch back to 1950 +29646,2,"She said ""No sex for you tonight"" So I responded ""No sex FROM you tonight. All I have to do is drive across town""." +29647,5,My parrot just died. His last words were “Fuck. I think my parrot is about to die.” +29648,5,"Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry. ""This is a library"", says the librarian ""Oh, sorry"", replies the man ""*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*"", he whispers" +29649,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To kill /u/LordTuts after he didn't tattoo his ass +29650,1,I hated studying Oedipus Rex in high school. That play was a real mother fucker. +29651,1,The inventor of dog treats died earlier today. He was a good boy. Yes he was. +29652,3,I can totally keep secrets! It's the people I tell them to that can't! +29653,0,Some German sausages are Teewurst +29654,1,How do Sith Lords measure things? In absolute units. +29655,7,She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt. I guess I should've let the bulb cool first. +29656,1,Im only 43 but have the body of a 25 year old. It’s in my freezer though. +29657,0,"Someone said to my wife the other day... ""Oh here comes the kettle calling the pot."" You should have seen her face she was fuming." +29658,1,What's something a man can get away with that a woman can't? Having a penis. +29659,0,What do they call Chinese Food in China? Food +29660,2,"I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open. Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way." +29661,3,"An elderly woman overhears a young mother and her daughter in the supermarket ""I want these cookies!"", screams the child. ""Laura, we're almost at the cashier, we'll soon be home"", says the mother patiently. ""I want ice cream!"", cries the child a few seconds later on their way to check out. ""Laura, it won't be long anymore, we're almost there"", says the mother, with no sign of annoyance. ""I WANT CHOCOLATE!"", wails the child, while they start queuing up, attracting the looks of the people around them. ""Laura, we'll soon be home, then you can have a nice hot tea and take a long nap"", says the mother, smiling. The elderly woman watching the scene unfold is deeply impressed with the mother's patience. Outside the supermarket, she approaches the mother to ask her how she can be so calm when dealing with little Laura's outbreaks. ""This is Nicole"", says the mother, indicating her daughter, ""I'm Laura.""" +29662,2,How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations? He grabs them by the +c. +29663,0,Vice Presidents and Homicide Detectives have a similar job... ...They both work if someone dies +29664,3,What do you call a fat psychic? A 4 chin teller. My dad just told me this one and I thought I'd share it +29665,4,Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother +29666,0,"New lady cow shows up; bull asks, ""who is that?"" His friend replies, ""never seen herbivore.""" +29667,0,At least 10% of men experience hearing loss from being exposed to too much nagging. They don't suffer in silence. +29668,0,What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you racist asshole +29669,1,"so my parents were pointing around the house and they said disa chair, disa table, disa fridge.... Then they pointed at me and said disappointment " +29670,1,Given the recent events involving France's butter shortages... We can all say that France has seen butter times +29671,0,"A man walks out of a bar, and gets into his car. He fumbles with his keys a bit and turns the car on, when he hears a knock on the window. He rolls down the window, and sees that the knocker is a police officer, who had seen the man stumbling out of the bar and decided to check it out. The police shines a flashlight through the man's window, studies his face, and says, ""Sir, you've just come out of a bar, and your eyes look bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"" The man looks at the police officer and says, ""Officer, you're a cop, and your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?""" +29672,1,What do you call a mean cow? Beef Jerky +29673,0,Every time I click on another joke... I only get more disappointed in myself thinking it was actually going to be funny. +29674,1,I have some jokes about the states of matter. But I don't think they're solid enough. +29675,0,What do you call a group of IT guys that smoke meth? Geek Squad +29676,3,What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? That's irrelevant! +29677,0,TIL what making love means. Apparently it's what chick's do when you're screwing them. +29678,1,"On a lighter side of ransomware She : You have a girlfriend? He : No. I had one, though. She : Where did she go? He : She Ransomeware !" +29679,2,"why aren't there any Mexican athletes? Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA. " +29680,0,What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle +29681,1,A new joke walked in to /r/jokes Just joking. +29682,0,"My girlfriend keeps telling me I've got diabetes. I always tell her that she's wrong, but she always tells me the same thing. So, one day, we go to the doctors and the doctor tells me, ""We're going to have to cut your girlfriend's legs off."" Flabbergasted, I ask him why. He tells me, ""Well, that'll stop her from jumping to conclusions."" " +29683,2,"Meanwhile at a catholic church... “We pray you Saint Anne...” The devil appears: “Oh, it’s you guys again. For Pete’s sake stop calling me if you don’t mean it and at least pronounce my name right.” (Made this up myself, still giggling...) " +29684,1,What's a blur and worse for your teeth? A faster brick. +29685,0,What do you call a girl who has sex with 3 guys at once? Air tight +29686,0,When Donald Trump is Elected President *Orange triggered banner under my face* +29687,0,I told my girlfriend to apply for a job at the pet store 'cause she really knows how to handle a cock 'r two +29688,0,How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll post the answer in an hour +29689,2,"How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit fam. " +29690,2,What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are actually wanted +29691,1,"My girlfriend asked me for a HI5 last night, ended up giving her HI’V’ " +29692,0,I’m so loyal to my girlfriend I don’t watch porn with girls in it +29693,2,Welcome to the harvest! I am your reap host. +29694,1,"Yo mama so fat When she goes camping, the bears have to hide their food on trees" +29695,0,"A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says, ""Ummm, we don't allow monkeys in here, sorry"". The guy says, ""Don't worry, this monkey is very well behaved. Now, can I have a pint, please?"" The bartender reluctantly hands him his beer. No sooner than the man begins drinking his beer, his monkey begins running willy-nilly all over the pub. He's really destructive, knocking over bottles, upsetting the other patrons, and pooping everywhere. The bartender manages to corner the monkey on the pool table, but before he can grab him, the monkey swallows the cue ball whole in one gulp. The bartender angrily brings the monkey back to the completely oblivious man, dumps it in his lap, and says, ""Look here, you and your monkey have got to leave. This little bastard just swallowed the cue ball from our pool table."" The guy says, ""I'm terribly sorry, he's normally very well behaved. We'll leave"". About a week later, he comes back, same monkey on his shoulder, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender says, ""I don't want that monkey in here. Last time, he wrecked the place."" The guy says, ""Please don't be concerned, I assure you he's very well disciplined, and will behave himself this time."" The bartender reluctantly hands him his beer. No sooner than the man begins drinking it, the monkey walks down to the end of the bar, grabs a peanut out of a dish, and shoves it up his butt, pulls it back out, and then eats it. The bartender sees this, and is horrified. He says to the guy, ""Hey! Your disgusting monkey just put a peanut up his butt, pulled it back out, and then ate it!"" The guy replies, ""Well, what do you expect? After that cue ball, he measures everything""." +29696,0,What's the richest form of royalty A Brazillian heir +29697,2,What do you call a stupid fish? A dumb bass. +29698,0,He thought Hoof Hearted would be a great name for a horse Until he said it out loud +29699,0,Something original There were so many reposts so I had to come up with something original. +29700,3,"What stands in a field and goes ""Oooooooooh!""? A cow with no lips." +29701,1,"A Mother Decides to Give her Daughter a Reward for Good Grades As a young girl is starting in a new school that is supposed to be very difficult, her mother decides to give her daughter a reward for getting good grades. ""Every quarter you get all A's I'll buy you any toy you want."" says the mother. First quarter report cards come in, little girl gets all A's. Mother takes the daughter to the Toy Store, where the daughter pics out a Barbie. The mother says same deal for next quarter, ""If you get all A's, I'll buy you any toy you want."" Next report card comes, again little girl gets all A's. Mom takes the daughter to the Toy Store, where the little girl pics out a G.I. Joe. The mom tells the little girl ""Honey, don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?"" Little girl says ""No mom, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, Barbie just fakes it with Ken."" " +29702,2,I’m thinking about digging a hole to get some water It’s going well +29703,7,"I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known. All the red flags were there." +29704,0,What is the difference between Snickers and a dick? Try Snickers sometimes +29705,1,I interview a local union member from the Nabisco factory about the GM UAW Strike. He said he couldn't give 2 Ritz. +29706,0,I've crushing up Valtrex into my girlfriends food... We've got herepes but she doesnt need to know that yet. +29707,0,I was happy when I was getting baptized Then I got pulled out of the water and I then I was sad again. +29708,4,"What a mistake to make A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: ""The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!""" +29709,1,"Crack flavoured pringles once you pop, you really can’t stop" +29710,1,"An English cat, one two three, and A french cat, un deux trois, has a race across the channel. Who won? One two three, because un deux trois quatre cinq." +29711,3,I went to the Air and Space Museum... It was an empty building. +29712,4,What do you call a constipated detective? No shit Sherlock. +29713,5,"I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly." +29714,0,OC: I have a small collection of Teddy Bears and crosses. I keep it by the freeway. +29715,2,A man ejaculated on his watch just before dying His last words were « my time has cum ». +29716,4,"Anal sex is a lot like broccoli... if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't appreciate it as an adult" +29717,0,I once hesitated to post a shitty joke on reddit but no risk no pun +29718,1,"You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones.... Has anyone heard a version of this before?" +29719,1,"In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't? Ace pilots." +29720,2,"Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader. Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth. While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with corresponding letters. Teacher: ""Can anyone think of an animal that starts with the letter *A*?"" Jim eagerly raised his hand but she couldn't possibly call on him, he would certainly say ""Ass"". She called on another student who gave a correct and pleasant answer. Teacher: ""Can anyone think of an animal that starts with the letter *B*?"" Jim stretched his arm as high as he could and waived it around feverishly but she could not call on him for he would surely say ""Bitch"". She instead called on the little girl in the front row. This pattern would repeat itself until the teacher reached the letter *R*. The teacher, knowing Jim couldn't possibly come up with a vulgar *R animal*, called on him and relief swept over Jim's face - finally it was his turn. Jim stood from his desk and declared proudly, ""*R* is for *RAT*."", he paused, ""A Giant Fucking *Rat* with a Huge Dick."" The End. " +29721,1,"Trump endorsed Roy Moore but not Don Blankenship... I guess it's all right to mess with minors, but miners are off limits." +29722,2,"On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: ""Windows frozen, won't open."" Husband texts back: ""Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."" Wife texts back 5 minutes later: ""Computer is really screwed up now.”" +29723,2,"The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom. To which I reply ""Are you going to fly up there and complain?""" +29724,2,Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push the man off the plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life. +29725,6,"A farmhand hits a pig with his truck A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, ""Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"" ""In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."" The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. ""Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."" ""So what's the problem now?"" his Boss snapped. ""The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!""" +29726,3,If I was a cannibal I'd only eat women. Because they're seedless. +29727,2,I tried to come up with a Star Wars Day joke... but they all just felt forced. +29728,0,What do you call a man with a foot fetish who prefers the toes on the right foot over the toes on the left foot? Tobias. +29729,2,My son saw an airplane in the sky and he asked me what it was doing? I said it was running AIRands +29730,0,A good steak joke Is a rare medium well done +29731,1,"I think girls hate Ducatis, Whenever I offer them a ride on my monster they just scoff and walk away." +29732,1,what's a wrestlers least favorite snack? A pretzel +29733,0,How do you make a phone call in a garden? You use a cauliflower +29734,2,What was the cannibal's favorite part about the Vegetarian dish? The Vegetarian +29735,1,"My wife said, ""Hey, are you asleep?"". How can I say yes to that? " +29736,2,What do you do when someone has an epileptic fit in the bathtub? Throw in the laundry. +29737,3,"A friend of mine had a pet boxer. Unlike a dog, whenever the doorbell rang he walked over to the corner and sat down." +29738,3,Great news insomniacs! Only 12 sleeps til Christmas. +29739,2,My uncle died from a turtle stampede It was a slow death +29740,0,Chuck Norris was almost casted in Friday the 13th as a camp counselor. Though he turned down the role because he wasn't cool with being in a movie where he'd have to beat up a man with mommy issues and a mental disorder. +29741,3,"A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners... She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly: ""Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"" Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister. ""Oh my god! What should I pack? Something tropical or mountains stuff?"" The woman replies, ""It doesn't matter! Pack your shit and get the fuck out!""" +29742,0,"Plane crashed,only 1 women survives. She lands on a big island. Then she tries to search some food,water but doesn't find it. She wants to eat and drink.. Suddenelly she sees a tribe and goes straight to it. Luckily they know English somehow. Women: Please help me,I want to get back home. Please take me. Smartest man from tribe: Okay,we have decided that we will make you a boat and give you food,water but we want something from you. Each of us wants to have sex with you. Women seems so desperate and can't think nothing better so she agrees but with 1 term. Women: You will have to wear condoms because I don't want kids. Smart man from tribe: Okay,we accept! So,each of the men from tribe has sex with women,then they complete their part and get women safely home. Few weeks pass... and tribe has a meeting. Suddenely the smartest man from tribe says : Guys,my penis is stinking. A guy in the back: yeah mine is too!? Another man: my penis smells too!!?! Another one : mine as well,what should we do....?? Smartest man on tribe : Fuck those kids,let her have them. Lets take those condoms off." +29743,2,How do you tell a kid which car is yours? (Pointing to your car) Datsun +29744,6,How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke. +29745,0,Why did the gametes start a porn business? Because sex cells +29746,3,Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot? Because it's mostly Ariel footage. +29747,2,"Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day.... They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, ""Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks."" The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground. The first woman goes in and lasts a week and steps on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, ""This is your consequence for stepping on a duck. You must be stuck with this man for all eternity,"" and disappears. The second woman goes for a month and finally steps on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves. The third woman goes on for years and years, but never steps on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeus man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves. The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, ""Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you."" He slowly looks down at her and says, ""I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.""" +29748,2,How to you embarrasses an archaeologist? Give him a tampon and ask what period its from. +29749,0,What do you do if a bird poops on your car? Don’t take her out again. +29750,1,I wanted to be a gold prospector.... But in the end it didn't pan out. +29751,0,r/showerjokes +29752,0,Thanks to DOTA 2 I graduated this year Without DOTA 2 I would have graduated 2 years ago +29753,1,"What is the difference between a tart and a torte? One is a loose woman, the other is the legal action that follows." +29754,0,I had a dream that I ate a giant marshmallow When I woke up my pillow had gone. +29755,1,What does Manafort say when he bumps into donald at Trump tower? Pardon me. +29756,2,What does the Big Bad Wolf do to get high? He huffs and he puffs. +29757,2,"If 24th December is Christmas Eve, 23rd December should be Christmas Adam. Because men always come first. " +29758,3,"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb has to want to change." +29759,0,If you think you are right Try arguing with a vegan that is a woman which is a libtard. You are going to lose either way. +29760,0,What's Alex's (from 'A Clockwork Orange') preferred type of light? Ultraviolent +29761,1,"Two hunters... ..went to a forest to hunt a tiger. They waited on a tree for hours, the tiger didn't show up. They felt the need to take a dump, but fearing the tiger they hatched a plan - they would sit back to back to each other to take the dump so that they would be able to see the tiger if it approaches from either side. After a while they hear a roar, but can't spot the tiger. One guy asks the other - 'are you scared?'. Other says 'No'. The first guys says again - 'admit you're scared'. Second guy says, 'no, I am not scared, would you just shut up?' First guy yells 'then why are you wiping my ass?'" +29762,3,Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 4yo son crying? He was having a midlife crisis +29763,0,I once persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge +29764,1,What do you earn after studying about pets and studying kids? A pedigree. +29765,0,"Maybe Russia is in a huge marathon that ends with, invading Finland. And crossing the finish line. " +29766,2,My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo. He was feeding them to the lions. +29767,2,"A guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The guy is a black man from Nigeria and is wearing the colorful ceremonial garb from his native land. The bartender says, “What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?” “Africa,” replies the parrot." +29768,1,Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or just mine? +29769,0,"There's whole-assing, and there's half-assing, and then there's the white girl way... No-assing." +29770,0,What is the most secretive city in Japan? Nakanasai +29771,2,50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs. +29772,2,"My friend recently visited London. He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it." +29773,0,"Yoda doesn’t ride a tricycle... A docycle, he rides. " +29774,0,What did the master say to his family when his slave died? It's a shame we lost one of our owned. +29775,3,What is the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? Turn off the lights. +29776,2,"Bubble Butt A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, ""Doctor, I need to lose weight fast."" The doctor replies, ""Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."" Two months later, she comes in and says, ""Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was."" But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, ""Where did you get this twitch?"" The woman replies, ""I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."" " +29777,2,"I like my women like I like my toilet paper thick, soft and prepared to spend a lot of time around an asshole" +29778,0,"What do you call a kid..... What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch? Names. " +29779,0,What's the difference between the stock market and women? With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out. +29780,0,"Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she's stopped by crazy Carl. ""Let me see your license,"" he says. Mary speeds away, but around the corner she runs into loony Leon. ""Show me your insurance,"" he says. Mary tears off one more time, but around the next corner she runs straight into donkey dave, naked and sporting an 8 inch hard-on. ""Awww no,"" says Mary, ""not the breathalyzer again!""" +29781,0,I like my women like I like my coffee... ...hot and in my hands **right now**. +29782,0,Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove. +29783,3,"Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber? Sir, that's a cactus." +29784,0,"Yet another tragedy struck the music world today. Police responded from a call to a California hotel room occupied by Justin Beiber. When they arrived on the scene, he was still alive. " +29785,0,"A man clicks on a title to see what's inside... T: What sort of person just leaves a big pile of shit infront of my car? is it some sort of message? a threat? S: a horse left it there, you know, from its asshole, no message no threat just a horse. T: A horse? are you joking around right now... my f- ****INTERRUPTS**** S: No I am not joking why is that hard to believe? whats the alternative, ok you are saying someone hates us enough to target our parking spot and instead of throwing the shit on our cars or the house they just leave it right on the road in front, right where a horse would be standing, if it were riding by. so, which is more believable to you? T: Its definitely a message, whether it was the horse or Greg, the guy down at the manure store we have a current escalating feud...(trails off).. intent got nothing to do with this, when you arrive to your home and the first thing you see is a big pile of shit, you know the universe is telling you something. S: Who the fuck is Greg? you need to lay off the vitamin 66 that stuff will ruin you, its just what they want. T: You are telling me to lay off? [laughs](np.reddit.com/r/meta/comments/3yigde/satire_on_reddits_strict_guidelines_joke_meta/) you dont even know who Greg is anymore... " +29786,0,"What's big, gray, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant" +29787,2,What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion? Seeing your ex. +29788,0,I met some vegans at my school today. They were lecturers. +29789,2,What’s California’s favorite band? Earth Wind and Fire. +29790,0,Know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? The P is silent +29791,2,Working in a mirror factory is something... I can totally see myself doing. +29792,0,"Why did Harry Potter get fired from FedEx? Because he kept licking the packages. You know, because of his parseltongue." +29793,0,What do you call a cat on the computer? A hacker +29794,2,Did you know that a cow had a seat on King Arthur's roundtable? His name was Sir Loin. +29795,5,Hey girl are u a brain tumor? Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me +29796,1,How Dreamwork's chemistry movie will be named? How To Train You Argon. +29797,4,"Little Johnny is in class one day... Teacher: ""Three birds are on the tree. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"" Little Johnny: ""None."" Teacher: ""Listen carefully: Three birds are in the tree. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"" Little Johnny: ""None."" Teacher: ""Can you explain that answer?"" Little Johnny: ""One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."" Teacher: ""Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."" Little Johnny: ""Teacher, can I ask a question?"" Teacher: ""Sure."" Little Johnny: ""There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"" Teacher: ""The one sucking the cone."" Little Johnny: ""No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.""" +29798,1,"They say there are 3 kinds of mathematicians... Those who can count, and those who can't." +29799,2,Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother? Leave M'Alone +29800,1,How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place +29801,3,"A couple in their 80's A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!” Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.” She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast? " +29802,1,I was relieved when I stopped at a tire service store It really is the best place to take a leak. +29803,1,Why did the guy stop trusting his personal trainer? He kept pulling his leg. +29804,0,Why is Ilhan Omar going to Philadelphia? She heard it is the city of brotherly love. +29805,1,My gym moved to a different floor. It took my fitness routine to a whole new level. +29806,1,"Dog bite A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, ""does your dog bite?"" The man replies ""no."" The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries ""I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"" The man responds ""I lied.""" +29807,1,How does NASA organise their missions? They planet. +29808,0,"If someone tries to kill you, you grab them and jump out a window and they die... did you kill them in self-defence-tration?" +29809,0,What do you call a hoe who was schooled? A taught thot +29810,2,"I go to the chiropractor because my wife told me to. At least I assume that's what she meant when she said, ""Prove to me you have a spine.""" +29811,3,Why was the French chef so depressed? He had lost the huile d'olive! +29812,1,Why did the pervert cross the road? Cause he was stuck to the chicken +29813,2,The flat earth movement is really taking off.. There are flat earthers all around the globe +29814,0,"When I was six, my sister was half my age. Now, I'm 70. How old's my sister? She's dead. " +29815,1,How do you know if a clown farted Something smells a bit funny +29816,5,"4 Nuns Go To Heaven... A terrible bus crash kills 4 Nuns. They arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St Peter. St Peter says: ""Before you enter Heaven, you must be cleansed of sin"". The first Nun, Sister Josephine, raises her hand and says ""I have seen with my own eyes a naked penis"". St Peter replies: ""cleanse your eyes with Holy Water and you may enter Heaven"". Sister Katherine raises her hand and says ""I have touched a penis"". St Peter replies ""cleanse your hands in Holy Water and you may enter Heaven"". After this there is commotion as Sister Margaret pushes to the front of the line. ""There is no need to push infront"", says St Peter. ""Oh yes there is"", replies Sister Margaret. ""I need to gargle the water before Sister Mary washes her arse""!" +29817,0,What's the difference between pedophile and acne? Acne waits till puberty to come all over the kids face +29818,2,"My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”" +29819,2,"A teacher was going over the history syllabus. The teacher says to the class ""We will be learning about history for the next 6 months. Each month I will teach a different decade. We will cover the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and 2000-2010"". A student puts her hand up and asks ""what about the '90s?"". The teacher replies saying ""only 90s kids remember the 90s""." +29820,1,My allergies had me sneezing all day Feeling blessed +29821,2,"Me and my wife went out for dinner. I ordered the Meatloaf... ...they brought me 3 slices and I ate 2. She complained i didn't finish, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad...." +29822,2,What's the worst kind of media? chlamydia +29823,0,I'm a change of basis: A^-1 MA +29824,5,I taught a wolf how to meditate Now it's aware wolf +29825,2,Yo mama's so fat... Instead of a cartwheel she does a ferriswheel. +29826,1,I can’t stand people who have no feet. I’m lack toes intolerant. +29827,0,My jokes are fresh... because I keep them in the refrigerator. +29828,0,Why do cannibals on a diet like to eat Trump supporters? Their thin skin is low-calorie. +29829,0,United Airlines does not want you to talk about them So they made a Fight Club +29830,1,"what colour were Kurt Cobain's eyes? blue one blew this way, one blew that way" +29831,1,69 68 is the speed of sex. Because once you're at 69 you need to turn around. +29832,1,I bought the M82A1 sniper rifle and I am kinda disappointed. But I'll Barrett. +29833,0,What do you call a Native American at a casino? Pokerhontas. +29834,0,"How do you know if someone is mute? I don't know, but if they were they probably wouldn't tell you" +29835,0,"R/news reminded me of this joke. A man is visiting Spain for the first time. While dining out one night, he watches as a phalanx of waiters delivers a domed platter to the table next to his. There's much ceremony and fuss and he's very intrigued. He asks his own waiter what's going on. ""Señor, he has ordered The Trophy."" ""What's that?"" At that moment the dome is lifted to show a large chunk of meat steaming on the platter. ""Señor, it is custom for the victor to devour the balls of his opponent after a bull fight. That man is a matador and he defeated that bull today."" The man at the other table sliced into and took a bite of the meat. The entire restaurant applauded. The tourist knew he had to do this, too. It took a lot of finagling because he wasn't a matador, but eventually be got his name on a wait list. Long after his vacation had ended he got a email from the restaurant. His name was at the top of the list and his reservation was set for the following week. Hurriedly he made his arrangements and flew back to Spain. As he sat in the restaurant he could hardly contain his excitement. So few people got to try this dish! He'd waited so long and finally, he too would have his Trophy! The waiters poured out of the kitchen, the domed platter held aloft. Everyone was watching him as the platter was set before him, the entire restaurant still with anticipation. With a flourish, the head waiter removed the domed lid to reveal-- -- a tiny lump of meat. The man was confused and demanded to know why this portion was so much smaller than what he'd seen before. Why was his Trophy a piddling little piece of meat?! The head waiter smiled at him sympathetically. ""Sometimes, señor, the bull does not lose.""" +29836,3,Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence. +29837,2,"Two drunks are talking in a bar.. Man 1: ""No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiting up angry for me"". Man 2: ""That's weird. I burst open the door, flip on all the lights, kick off my boots, stamp up the stairs and hop into bed, grab my wife's ass and ask for a blowjob and she's always fast asleep!""" +29838,2,"Just one, actually. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?" +29839,1,Which four words can give you an Irish accent? Whale oil beef hooked. +29840,0,I like buying my condoms like a ninja losing his virginity. Fast and discreet. +29841,0,"Believe Me, I Would if I Could. My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”" +29842,1,What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat? Wendy's +29843,0,"The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory." +29844,0,"The use of colons has less effect on well-composed songs. before: call on me, on me, call on me, on me after: colon me, on me, colon me, on me" +29845,0,A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York get into a fight. Who wins? Neither of them win because fighting is wrong. +29846,2,What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? The Wall was their last big hit. +29847,1,What's Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd Album? The Dark Side of the Moon... What a filthy casual. +29848,2,"I went to the pound the other day... ...I was looking for a new dog. While I was there one stood out in particular. Every minute he would bark out the time exactly as it happened. ""Bark! 12:32"" ... ""Bark! 12:33"" ... ""Bark! 12:34"" ""This dog is amazing!"" I thought to myself as I wondered why he did his trick. I just had to know. I asked an employee, ""Excuse me, but why does that dog bark out the time every minute?"" The employee looked back and said, ""All of that breed do it."" ""What kind is it?"" I asked. ""He's a watch dog of course!"" Responded the employee. " +29849,2,My Siamese girlfriend has just dumped me... She caught me banging her sister behind her back. +29850,0,Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? All that was left was de bree! +29851,0,I have been awake for already 72 hours Not in a row of course but still. +29852,0,"Hitler Interviewer : Why did you killed all the Jewish inside that chamber? Hitler : I didn't kill them, gas did. " +29853,2,"I like my coffee, how I like my women. Without someone’s dick in it " +29854,1,Good ideas are like dollars They make cents +29855,1,My therapist says im addicted to masturbation... I vowed to beat it single handedly! +29856,1,"The dairy farm A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work. Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes in it. Just stick your pecker through one and you'll be taken care of right good. The first hole is $20, the second is $50, and the third is $100. So, the man decides to try the first hole. He pays his $20, slips into the hole, and feels someone on the other side go to sucking. After 10 minutes, he pops off a nut. Thinking that wasn't bad, he goes for the 2nd hole, and after 5 m8nutes, he pops off another one. After recovering for a few minutes, he decides, against the farmer's advice, to try the 3rd hole. He ends up being there for hours, unable to free himself. Once he's loose, and in bad shape, he asks the farmer what the hell's behind the wall. Farmer: Well, the first hole is my daughter, the second is my wife, and the third is my milking machine. It don't stop until it gets 10 gallons. " +29857,0,Ever think about all the foods with pork bones in them? It's thickening +29858,4,"Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree) Three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, ""Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**""** The men think this is rather strange, but they agree. A couple of days later, they decide to have a picnic. It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the skies are blue, etc. As they lay down the blanket, one of the men sits on a suspicious-looking lump (which turns out to be a duck). St. Peter appears instantly. ""**I GAVE YOU ONE RULE!**"", he bellows, ""And you could not follow it!? I have no choice but to punish you."" Despite the man's pleas, St. Peter continues, ""As punishment, you are now bound to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"" Both St. Peter and the man vanish. The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... *CRUNCH!* \\- a duck has been stepped on. As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. ""You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"" Three years later, the final man is relaxing in his house, when out of the blue, St. Peter appears. Expecting something bad, the man gets on his knees and asks what St. Peter wants. he replies, ""Since you have been so good as to not touch a duck for the past three years, I will reward you by binding you to the most beautiful woman in heaven for all of eternity."" As St. Peter describes her, the man really thinks she sounds gorgeous. He is so eager to meet her that he asks, ""When do I see her?"" St. Peter snaps his fingers, and *POOF* \\- the man is meeting his soul mate. They talk for a while, until he says to her, ""You're so beautiful and smart and funny; what did I do to deserve you?"" The woman responds, ""I don't know; all I had to do was step on a duck!"" ​ Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing." +29859,2,How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior? With a Nor-Ouija board. +29860,3,"How did you get that job? my friend asked me. ""The same way Mary gave birth to Jesus."" ""A miracle?"" He replied... ""No, sex I shouldn't be talking about""" +29861,1,How do you kill a one-legged fox? Make him run across Canada! +29862,1,I managed to finally measure my closet. Which is a feet in its shelves. +29863,3,I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me +29864,8,"I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down." +29865,1,Our friend always wanted to be run over by a steam train. Last week we made his dream come true! He was chuffed to bits. +29866,4,"3 guys were at their final test to become FBI agents. The instructor said "" ok guys during this job we have a lot of information that can't be leaked. So to prove you will do anything to keep this information confidential we have each of your wives in a separate room. I want you to take this gun and kill your wife."" The first guy takes the gun goes into the room and shortly comes out again. ""I can't do this he says"" The second guy takes the gun goes into his wife's room and walks right back out. ""I love my wife to much there is no way"". The third guy takes the gun walks into the room with his wife. The other two guys waiting outside hear a loud bang, then what sounded like a scuffle and fighting. Finally the third guy comes out. The other 2 guys are in shocked, they said ""oh my god I can't believe you actually shot your wife"" The third guy says "" no some asshole put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death.""" +29867,1,What do you get when you give a kid a guitar and a pic? A rattle...eventually. +29868,0,A king doesn't breathe oxygen he breathes helium because it is a noble gas. +29869,0,People say I'm a gambler... I bet you I'm not +29870,0,How to stop pedophilia worldwide? Kill all the children. +29871,0,"Aboriginals: It's too hot to fackin' build anything, mate! ... Egyptian Empire: Well, that's understandable. Babylonian Empire: Tooootally get that. Persian Empire: Seconded. Ottoman Empire: Completely. That's what Christian slaves are for. Persian Empire: Aren't they just the best? Babylonian Empire: I used Jews, myself. Persian Empire: Big mistake. Babylonian Empire and Egyptian Empire: NO SHIT. Persian Empire: Should've gone with Indians, bro. There's like a bazillion of 'em. Babylonian Empire: Well, if wishes were Indians. Ottoman Empire: Or Christians. British Empire: Sorry, I got here late. What's that about Christians? Ottoman Empire: Oh, I was saying how awesome they are; you know, for rearing into complicit slaves. British Empire: Yeah, we had those. For a while, actually. But we didn't use to call 'em slaves, though... Persian Empire: Really? What did you call 'em? British Empire: Irish!" +29872,1,"A man walks into a bar... After a few beers he is in the middle of a conversation with the bartender, they start talking about penguins and the man brings up: ""I have never seen a penguin"" The bartender replies ""what?! You have never seen a penguin?! Get out of my bar and never come back"". The bartender calls for security and they drag him outside. The man very confused goes to his house and to bed with his wife. The man starts telling her about what happened. ""Today I got dragged out of the bar just because I have never seen a penguin"". The wife yells in terror: ""what?! You have never seen a penguin?! I want the divorce!"" After a long struggle the man gets kicked out of the bedroom and sleeps in the couch. The next morning his son wakes him up asking why had he slept in the couch. The man answers: I got dragged out of the bar and kicked out of the bedroom because I have never seen a penguin. The son yells: ""what?! You have never seen a penguin?! I don't love. I don't want to see you ever again!"". The man has now been kicked out of his own house. The man having nowhere to go arrives at his office but he is so overwhelmed that he starts crying on his desk. His boss passed by and asked him what's wrong. The while sobbing replies: ""i got dragged out of my favorite bar, my wife wants the divorce and my son doesn't love me, all just because I have never seen a penguin!"". The boss screams in his face: ""what?! You have never seen a penguin?! You are fired!"". The has now lost his job. Without money the man becomes a hobo and soon enough he finds himself in the necessity of steal food to survive. But gets easily caught and sent to the judge. But the judge was an old friend from college in fact he was his best friend. So the judge asked him what had happened to him. The man doubtfully answers: ""i got dragged out of my favorite bar, my wife divorced me, my son doesn't love me, and I lost my job, all just because I have never seen a penguin!"" The judge slams his hammer with anger and says: ""what?! You have never seen a penguin?! I sentence you to life imprisonment"". The man now in his prison gets asked by one of the other inmates how did he got here. The man is reluctant but thinks it can't get worse from where he is so replies: ""I got dragged out of my favorite bar, my wife divorced me, my son doesn't love me, I lost my job, and got sentenced for life all just because I have never seen a penguin!"" The other inmate stands up and yells: ""what?! You have never seen a penguin?!"" All the other inmates hear it they gang up on him and the man gets beaten to death. The man stands in the gates of heaven in front of saint peter who is reading a scroll. He asks the man how did he died. He doesn't want to answer knowing for sure what would happen next but in heaven it is impossible to lie. got dragged out of my favorite bar, my wife divorced me, my son doesn't love me, I lost my job, got sentenced for life, and beaten to death all just because I have never seen a penguin!"" Saint Peter says with surprise and pity ""What?! You have never seen a penguin?! Well to hell then"". Saint Peter pulls a lever that opens the floor and the man falls into hell. In hell he is greeted by the devil who after a short introduction asked the man why did he got there so he can send him to the right circle of hell. The man now tired inhales deeply: ""I got dragged out of my favorite bar, my wife divorced me, my son doesn't love me, I lost my job, I got sentenced for life, beaten to death and sent to hell all just because I have never seen a penguin!"" The devil laughs mockingly: ""What?! You have never seen a penguin?! To the lowest circle of hell!"" The devil pushes him into a hole and falls into the deepest circle of hell. There he meets another condemned soul like himself. That once again asks him why did he do. The man inhales deeply and says expressionless: ""I got dragged out of my favorite bar, my wife divorced me, my son doesn't love me, I lost my job, I got sentenced for life, beaten to death and sent to the lowest circle of hell all just because I have never seen a penguin!"" To what the other man answers: ""What?! You have never seen a penguin?! Me neither!""" +29873,3,Whiskey Tango Foxtrot India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform +29874,0,"Brexit joke for teh luls David cameron was tripping on lsd ""oh my god guys I see a tree"" ""come over here tree"" but the tree refused to move. After some time david cameron decided he would marry the tree ""tree will you marry me?"" but the tree did not respond David cameron started to get paranoid that the tree would not marry him ""HMM perhaps its time for a brexit"" the tree responded, ""Cameron thats not a good idea, paranoia is not a security, a security is secure, you will fk up the stock market you dingnut"" ""Tree I no longer wish to marry you"" And that is the story of brexit" +29875,1,Camels What do you call a camel that ate it's brother? Camelbalism! +29876,1,Trump just announced that Trans-Genders can't serve in the Army.... ...That's what the Marines are for +29877,0,Pokemon is racist Always trying to catch Jamal +29878,1,What's an Eskimo's favorite adhesive? Igloo +29879,1,"Remember when plastic surgery was taboo, now if you mention Botox no one even raises an eyebrow.." +29880,1,I hate taking pictures of myself. I have a low selfiesteem. +29881,1,Always give 100% Unless it's blood. +29882,0,"Two paedos are arguing... Over a pair of boys under wear they found. After a while a priest walks down the road amd hears the two arguing. ""Whats up here?""...asks the priests... One of the paedos replies ""we found these underwear here, he says they belong to a 4-5 year old, and i reckon they belong to a 6-7 year old. The priest looks at the two of them, then grabs the underwear from them.. He proceeda to putting to his face and sniffing them intensely... ""Well...."", the priest says, ""I dont know what age they are, but theyre not from my parish anyway!""" +29883,4,What's green and difficult to see through? What's green and difficult to see through? >!Kermit the fog!< What's green and runs? >!Kermit the jog!< What's green and written once a week? >!Kermit the blog!< What's green and made of wood? >!Kermit the log!< What's green and bad for your lungs? >!Kermit the smog!< What's green and smells like bacon? >!Kermit's fingers!< +29884,0,Wth is a mellon baller? Is that like a cantaloupe with an uzi? +29885,0,If she says that your dick is too small just say that you're not in the same frame of reference! +29886,2,"While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand. When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony. " +29887,3,What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. +29888,0,Say what you want about the Modern Flat Earth Society... But they have members all around the disk. +29889,1,A man walks into a zoo... The only animal in the zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu. +29890,0,What do you get when you administer marijuana to cows? High steaks! (I'll just see my way out...) +29891,1,"A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ""Sorry we don't serve food here.""" +29892,1,"A man and a woman are finishing dessert on their third date... ...and the guy just won't stop talking about himself. She has been trying to give the guy a chance, but he just keeps going on and on. ""Listen, I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is going to work out,"" she says when she's finally able to get a word in. ""Why's that?"" he asks. ""Well, honestly, you remind me too much of my narcissistic ex-boyfriend. You both are lawyers, you're both into fantasy football, death metal, woodworking, horror movies... you even look alike. There are just too many similarities. I know myself, and I know I won't be able to get past them. I'm sorry."" The guy looks a bit shocked, and grabs his napkin and wipes a bit of ice cream from his lips. After a few moments of dumbfounded silence, he finally responds. ""Alright, I understand. I'll get the check. I just have one last favor to ask."" ""What's that?"" ""Could I get your ex's number? He sounds like a really great guy.""" +29893,0,"Someone asked a retiree “Do you have a job?” He replied, “I am my wife’s sexual advisor.” Somewhat shocked, they said, “What do you mean by that?” “Very simple,” he said, “My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask for it.”" +29894,0,"Max worked for the company for 50 years, and never got anything in return. Max was one of the hardest working employees the company has ever known and he never even got payed, because he didn't want to. When he worked for 20 years the boss said: ''Max you fool, let me pay you the money you deserve''. But Max said: ''no no I love working here so much I don't want it''. After 30 years the boss said: ''come on now Max let me at least pay you a bonus'' But max didn't want it. After 50 years the boss walked up to Max and said: ''if you don't want money, that's fine, but I organized an unforgetable day for you''. Max got in a limosine and drove through the city, where ever he wanted to go, he had drinks and women and enough money to spend for an entire day of great fun and enjoyment. When he returned to work, late at night, his employees and boss were waiting and his boss asked: ''Max, I hope you enjoyed it, what was your favorite thing?'' on which he replied:''the signs on the side of the road that said: Max. 50''" +29895,0,How fast can you eat a pie? 3.14 seconds +29896,0,I'm going to make a comedy about plumbers. It's going to be called snakes in a drain. +29897,0,"stolen joke lol ""For Sale: baby shoes, never worn"" is so sad. I can't believe the baby didn't like his new shoes. stole this from twitter by the way" +29898,0,Bob aint got no arms. KNOCK KNOCK! +29899,0,Real Joke Happened! I was in hurry today that I rushed towards my car after having my class. I tried to pull the handle but seems like the door was jammed. I tried so hard pulling the handle that after few seconds a lady who was sitting in the back seat threw her belongings (phone wallet Jewellery) through the window and begging me to leave her I got shocked for few seconds and saw my car that was parked just beside that car with same color and model. I was so freaked out that I forgot to apologise and ran away leaving jer stuff as it was😐 +29900,0,"Honeymoon trip A newly married couple were confused on how to spend their honeymoon , the husband wanted to go to Australia first but the wife wanted to go to TIC TAC world(coz fuck logic). Upon further debate they ended on going to australia first because the husband thought the sequence was authentic." +29901,1,I tried to write a song about a fajita.... But it turned into a wrap. +29902,2,"Circle of Life? A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably nervous. When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat. ""Sorry,"" said the doctor. ""You're outside my specialty now. You should see a laryngologist! (throat specialist)."" By the time the unfortunate victim got to· the laryngologist, the tooth had worked its way much further down. The laryngologist examined the man. ""Sorry,"" said the doctor, ""You're outside my specialty now. You should see a gastrologist! (stomach specialist)."" The gastrologist X-rayed the patient. ""Sorry,"" said the doctor,""the tooth has traveled into your lower intestines. You should see an enterologist! (intestinal specialist).'' The enterologist took some X rays. ""Sorry, the tooth isn't there. It must have gone down farther. You should see a Proctologist! (a specialist in diseases of the rectum; anus)."" The Proctologist's examined the patient.... inserted a proctoscope inside the..... and remarked..... ""Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there! You should see a dentist!""" +29903,1,"I was gonna tell you a joke about a divided highway... but people are pretty split on it. Some take it one way, and others take it a different way." +29904,1,The job title for a security guard at Samsung HQ is called... guardian of the galaxy +29905,0,What's the best part about having sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of them. +29906,1,I'm creating a new dating app for chefs! It's called Tender! Swipe right to keep cooking or swipe left to leave raw +29907,8,"A woman gets cheated on by her husband... Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains. After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. ""I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do"". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: ""Was the cookie delicious?"" ""Yes""- she answers. ""Do you want another one?"" ""Sure, please"". The monk looks her in the eye and says ""Do you see the problem now?"" The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. ""It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature"". The monk shakes his head. ""No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less.""" +29908,0,"The Curse of the Twang It was a winters night, and the traveller struggled up the lonely snow filled road path toward the farm house where two lights shone out into the darkness sending hope to a weary man. Knocking on the door, the traveller shivered as he waited for someone to answer. Eventually, he heard the sliding of a bolt, the handle turned with a creak, and the farmer, holding a torch peered out into the cold night. “What do you want?” asked the farmer. “I am lost, my car broke down, and I was hoping to call for some help.” “Ain’t got no phone.” replied the farmer, beginning to close the door over. “Please!” called the traveller, more loudly than he wanted, “Do you have a room I can stay in for the night? I promise to be no trouble. If I stay out here I will freeze to death.” Pausing for longer than the traveller liked, the farmer opened the door further. “Suppose..” Not waiting for the man to change his mind, the traveller stepped quickly into the hallway closing the door behind him. “Come with me.” turning, the farmer began walking to the stairs, and began to climb. With the traveller following, they eventually reached a door at the top of the stair. Holding the handle, the farmer paused, doubt crossing his face. “Alright, here is your room, but before we go in, I need you to know something.” “Yes?” asked the traveller. “This is my daughters room. She is a fine lass, but a bit dim witted. I am going to trust you to share a bed with her ‘cos it’s the only spare one we have see? But, if you try anything...well, be warned, the Curse of the Twang will befall you, alright?” The traveller suppressed a yell of “Yes! Get in my son!” only managing a timid squeak, “Curse of the Twang?” he asked. “Yes, its a curse see? And well, it comes to those who touch my beautiful daughter see?” “Yes, you have my word sir. On my honour.” “Fair enough then.” Opening the door, the farmer led the man into the room. “This is my daughter Aileen.” There sitting in bed was a twenty something buxom woman. The traveller nearly giggled, “And you are fine with me to share this bed with you lady?” “Oh yes, for the curse will protect me.” “Right,” said the farmer, “best be getting some sleep then. With that the farmer left closing the door. The traveller wasting precious little time, got undressed and slipped into the bed beside the farmers daughter. With the lights off, the traveller started to get a little fresh, with a tickle and a playful squeeze. The farmer’s daughter giggled and played along. Suddenly, the door opened and the farmer stood there. “you ain’t trying anything are you?” “No. Not me.” replied the traveller. “Mind that curse fella.” said the farmer and closed the door. Well, as you can imagine one thing led to another and deeds were done. The traveller, happy and satisfied, fell into a blissful sleep.. “what curse?” he thought to himself... “Oi you, fella!” the traveller was suddenly awake, shocked and trying to come to his senses. The farmer daughter was still in bed beside him and the farmer was standing by the bedroom window holding a rock. the farmer hefted the rock in his hand and the traveller could see it had a piece of paper wrapped around it and some string attached. “I warned you that the curse of the Twang would come to you if there was no good going on with my daughter. I’ve tied this rock to your left ball.” and with that the farmer threw the rock high out of the window into the night sky. Without a moments hesitation the traveller leapt out the window, and falling toward the soft snow below he caught the rock in mid air. There on the paper wrapped around the rock he saw some words....he could hear them speaking to him in the farmers voice. “I tied your right ball to the bed post.” TWANG." +29909,0,"With prostitutes, if you're getting out cum... They're getting income" +29910,2,What do you call a collection of memes? A memeoir. +29911,1,My nickname in highschool was mushroom. Because I’m a fun guy. +29912,0,Mona married Tony The theme of their wedding was Monotony. +29913,0,"Who has two L's in their first name, two L's in their last and three L's in American elections? Shit the answer was deleted." +29914,0,Why did the woman divorce her husband? He had thrust issues +29915,4,What do you call the study of feminism? Trigonometry. +29916,3,What’s the difference between a feminist and a spear? The spear actually has a point +29917,0,I hear that a holocaust museum had to ban Pokemon go... Too bad it's the best place to find ghost types. +29918,3,You know what they say about blind prostitutes... You really gotta hand it to them. +29919,1,Why will there never be an Asian president? Because the American people could never make it through the erection without raughing. +29920,0,"What movie stars Uma Thurman hunting her ex husband in a trailer park because he stole her last can of chewing tobacco and drove her pickup into the ditch? Hill Bill, volume 1" +29921,2,My wife got a restraining order against me. I love it when she plays hard to get. +29922,4,"What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light? Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection." +29923,4,There are two types of people in this world. Those that need closure. +29924,0,"When you see someone your recognize, but can't remember their name, you probably should not walk up and lick them... ...of course, if you do, then their identity will be on the tip of your tongue." +29925,4,"It’s WALES you Idiot! I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’ So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’" +29926,1,"What did Bach say when Mozart thought he smelled something burning? ""Could Beethoven""" +29927,0,How do you keep a reindeer from smelling? You hold its nose! +29928,0,Had to put my best friend down today..... David slept with my wife. +29929,0,I like my women like I like my coffee. BIG +29930,0,How did the two gymnasts avoid swapping spit on 4/20? They were double jointed. +29931,0,What do you call a chicken coup with more than two doors? A chicken sedan. +29932,0,Love/hate you guys Opinions are like assholes: everyone has one and most have more Karma than you +29933,0,I used to get so excited about French lessons... Sometimes a little 'Oui' would come out. +29934,1,New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints +29935,2,"A Man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar one night, and he sees a tiny man sitting on the bar playing a piano, so he asks the guy sitting beside him ""Wow that's so cool! Where did you get that?"" ""There's a genie out back! He's giving out wishes!"" So the man walks outside to find the genie. He walks up to the genie, and the genie says ""Hello there! Have you come for a wish?"" And the man replied ""Yes! I Want a million bucks to fall from the sky!"" And just like that, A million DUCKS fall from the sky. So the man walks back inside and says to the other guy ""Hey man that genie is cool and all, but I think he might be hard of hearing."" And the man replied ""Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?""" +29936,3,"Got in a fight with frequency today We’ve been friends for ages, so it kinda hertz." +29937,1,Why do golfers bring an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole-in-one. +29938,0,My addiction is telling puns. It is quite pun-ishing. +29939,3,"I wonder if that's mine I was walking down the street one morning and saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self ""I wonder if that's mine"", so I hurried back home quickly but it was still there, shining my shoes." +29940,1,Why do Muslim couples always break up before Ramadan? Because they're going to fast. +29941,0,People ask me what I’m looking forward to next year I say that I don’t know. I just don’t have 20/20 vision +29942,3,What’s the difference between a high school graduate and a college dropout? Debt. +29943,1,What is the biggest fear of a suicide bomber? Dying Alone. +29944,0,Why do potatoes loved to get mashed? Because they're MASH-ochistic ;) +29945,2,"I just discovered another one of my superpowers: I can put a song in someone's head during casual conversation, because that's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh..." +29946,3,There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count. Those who can't. +29947,0,Which one's the gay jury member in the case between Charles Dickens and Leo Tolstoy? The one that takes Dickens' side. +29948,4,"The Blonde Mortician A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The widow returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' " +29949,2,I've always wanted kids. But I can never lure them into my car. Just kidding of course.. I don't have a license! +29950,2,You know I don't understand the deal with Americans and their hatred of the French and calling them surrender monkeys. I mean if it wasn't for the French we'd be speaking English right now. Wait +29951,2,Knock Knock Who's there? To. To who? No. To whom. +29952,3,What is the one thing batman and superman don't have to worry about? Dad Jokes. +29953,2,Knock knock Who’s there Control freak..... Now you say control freak who +29954,1,"Jehovah's Witnesses Jehovahs Witnesses: Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior? Me: Of course! please come in! [door slams shut and locks, lights dim, PowerPoint presentation begins]] Me: But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!" +29955,1,"There's a new helper on a construction site. As he has very little experience, he is given to a mean old fitter. All day long the old fitter is, pick up the crap, bring me my wrench, and the kid gets fed up and said ""what makes you so special, why you have to tell me what to do all the time?"" The fitter says, ""because I am smarter than you"", "" oh, yeah? How?"" Fitter says "" I dare you to hit my hand""then he holds it up on front of a column, kid hauls off and throws a punch. Fitter moves his hand and kapow. Later on the kid gets sent to the roof with another helper and starts bossing him around. Second helper says "" what makes you the boss?"", kid says ""I'm smarter than you"", ""oh yeah? How?"" Kids looks around and doesn't find a column so puts his hand in front of his face, and says "" I dare you to hit my hand"". ( edit grammar )" +29956,3,"Knock Knock... Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”" +29957,7,What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election. +29958,5,Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog. +29959,0,"So there's a major earthquake in the Pacific and one tectonic plate says to another, ""Did you cause that earthquake?!"" The other plate replies, ""It wasn't my fault!""" +29960,0,Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging. +29961,5,We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts. +29962,7,My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. Jokes on him. I don't have a roommate. +29963,0,"Steve Irwin walks into wardrobe before his first ever televised show. Costume Design: What look are you going for? Steve: I’m thinking real deal bushman. CD: ok what does that look like? S: Boots, definitely boots, with socks halfway up my calfs. CD: Sounds good, what else? S: Short shorts, where it almost seems like my junk could be bitten off at any moment. CD: Not feelin it but ok. What else? S: I wanna wear a shirt with at least 9 pockets Cd: sounds silly but sure why not. What colors? S: Khaki! All Khaki! everything Khaki! Cd: jeeez alright .... what about the hair S: Make me look like a fuckin toddlah CD: ohhh the Steve Irwin, I got you. Watch out for that stingray." +29964,0,How did Jared from subway career end like it started? Trying to get into smaller pants. +29965,2,There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look Opticians! +29966,0,"When I met my now husband, it was love at first... hearing. His name is Rick Achón, and he says only spanish people understand his jokes." +29967,2,How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. +29968,0,I decided to stop buying CDs and MP3s and start buying only vintage records. And that's vinyl. +29969,0,What do you do when a baby cries? You use more lube +29970,2,My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom All I can say is there was lego everywhere +29971,1,"A man walks to my checkout lane with his girlfriend to buy a box of small size condoms While ringing him up, I ask how the small size feels. ""Just ring me up."" the guy snapped. I replied ""shut up, I'm talking to your girlfriend.""" +29972,3,"Penis Insurance An extra smart guy was trying to pull the leg of insurance agent, and asks him: “Do you do Penis Insurance?” Agent: “Yes sir, we do Penis Insurance.” Man: “You replace with a new one?” Agent: “No sir. Once it stops to work, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life” Man: You fucker!! Agent: Yes sir, you have an option to make me that in your policy" +29973,5,"When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in, She really wanted a daughter." +29974,1,"You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street at 7:30 yesterday and a guy pulled out scissors. Luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Because if I had pulled out paper, man I would have lost." +29975,1,"I think Google is drunk or something… It keeps giving me news articles when I search for ""Asian forced by three guys.""" +29976,1,How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot +29977,1,What is R. Kelly's favorite sandwich? P&BJ +29978,3,If jesus died for our sins... Who’s gonna die for our cos and tan? +29979,0,"What do cats say to dogs? Cash meowt-side, howbow dah?" +29980,4,"I visited my granddaughter last weekend. I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. ""This is the 21st century"", she said. ""We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."". Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him. " +29981,0,"[Shit Joke]A girl was home, having sex with her girlfriend. Her parents, who didn't know she was a lesbian, suddenly came home. The couple tried to hide, the daughter got in the closet but the girlfriend couldn't in time. On seeing her the parents was surprisingly cool and said they were fine with their daughter's sexuality and asked her to get out of the closet for they can see her. So, she came out. " +29982,5,"Doctor has a point. A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ""Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, ""So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic. ""Try doing it with the engine running."" " +29983,1,I tried water polo but my horse drowned +29984,3,"What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target? Of course, I'm shuriken. " +29985,0,I prefer masturbating with coconut oil as opposed to lotion It just cums naturally. +29986,2,What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball? A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball. +29987,4,A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Haha just kidding. +29988,3,"A man gets a call from his Doctor Doctor says i have the results from your examination, im afraid i have some bad news and worse news The man asks whats the bad news Doctor says according to the report you will die in 24 hrs The man says what can be worse than that The Doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday" +29989,3,What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce? Chicken Cesar Salad +29990,0,Your Mom is so fat.... She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. +29991,1,"A magician had a parrot that always spoiled his shows... A magician had a parrot that always spoiled his shows by telling his audience how he did his tricks. The magician wasn't happy about it because he always ended up being the laughing stock of his audience. One day he was hired to perform shows on a cruise ship, on the condition that his parrot always be on stage, to make the audience laugh. During one of his performances, one of the ship's motors broke and eventually exploded. Everybody, including his parrot, abandoned the ship. He and his parrot stayed on one of the lifeboats with a few other passangers, and the magician entertained them by performing magic tricks in order to keep everyone calm, but the parrot stayed silent the whole time. When suddenly, a few hours later, in the middle of one of his favourite tricks, the parrot said: ""Ok, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?""." +29992,0,Why can't my dog dance? He has two left paws. +29993,0,"One Shot Hunter There was a lion in jungle who was notorious for banging other animals. Instead of killing the animals lion started fucking them. Villagers in nearby village were worried by rise in incidents as they thought this will lead to increased population of lions in jungle. Worried villagers approached ""One Shot Hunter"", who was famed for his expoilts in hunting by ""one shot kill"". He was rumored to carry only one bullet in rifle due his confidence on his hunting skills. ""One shot Hunter"" accepted the challenge of killing the lion in daylight in front of all the villagers. Lion heard about the hunter and was ready. Next day hunter spotted the lion and fired. He **missed.** He didn't have any more bullet. He was dead scared to see lion approaching him. He thought these might be his last moments. But lion didn't kill him but ass-fucked him in daylight in front of villagers. Hunter felt insulted. He promised villagers of coming back to kill the lion. Hunter practiced for 3 months and returned with better skills. Lion heard about his return and was again ready. Hunter spotted the lion drinking water but shot missed lion's right ear by a whisker. Hunter was again ass-fucked by lion in front of villagers. Humiliated hunter felt suicidal. He lifted himself up and vowed to return again. Hunter went to his master to practice. After 6 months of rigorous training and incessant practice hunter returned. Lion was more cautious then ever on learning hunter's return. With revenge in his eyes hunter aimed at lion's dick. Alas! He missed it again as lion lifted his leg to pee. Failed and humiliated the hunter lowered his pants and started bending as lion was approaching. Seeing this lion started laughing and said "" Do you really come for hunting or just to get ass-fucked?""" +29994,0,The field of statistics is the sum of squares. +29995,2,"joke from my dad [OC] A scientist has created a way for the father of a child to also feel pain when the mother gives birth. He decides to test it on one couple. While the wife is at the hospital, the husband stayed at home. He gets a call from the scientist asking if he feels anything, and he says no. The scientist tries again, and called him again. The husband still said nothing. For a third time, he called, and the husband said ""I don't feel anything, it's just my neighbor who is banging his head against a wall.""" +29996,2,If you had to choose one superpower to have forever please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance. +29997,1,Why do dwarfs always laugh when there playing football? Because the grass tickles there balls. +29998,2,"A blonde is driving through the country She had just recently dyed her hair brown and was moving out to a small rural community to start a fresh life living off the land. As she is driving down a down an old gravel road she comes across a farmer moving his sheep across the road, he's almost done so she stops to let him finish. Looking out across the flock she says to the farmer ""That's the biggest flock of sheep I've ever seen!"" Seeing her awe the farmer decides to see if he could make a quick buck. ""I'll tell ya what, for $10 you can guess how many sheep I've got here. Guess correctly and I'll let you take any one home with you."" The blonde quickly hands over the money suddenly shouting ""7,324!"" ""What?! That's exactly right! I'm a man of my word take any one you want."" ""I want that one over there"" she says pointing just behind the farmer. Slightly confused he says ""Your hair isn't naturally brown is it?"" ""Why no, how did you know?"" ""If I can guess what colour your hair is naturally can I have my dog back?""" +29999,0,My Great Grandpa nearly died in the holocaust! He was innocently doing his job when he was attacked by an angry mob! Turns out the gas chamber malfunctioned. +30000,0,What's the cheapest place to buy shrimp? A prawn shop. +30001,3,I used to work in a napkin factory in Russia. I was in the serviette union +30002,0,"Doctor Jokes The patient says, ""Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."" The doctor says, ""Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."" mug = cup The patient says, ""Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to s" +30003,0,What clothing does a mentally challenged man on a unicycle wear? A unitard! +30004,0,Girl are you a gorilla exhibit? Cause I wanna throw a child in you +30005,0,This guy is so gay... ...that the only soup he eats is top ramen. +30006,5,"Two friends, a rich one and a poor one, got married on the same day. 20 years later, they're both still married, and planning their special anniversary celebrations. Dave, the poor one, asks Phil, the rich one, what he got his wife for their anniversary. ""Oh, I got her a diamond ring and a new Mercedes."" ""Really? Why did you get her a diamond ring and a Mercedes? Why not just one or the other?"" ""Well,"" says Phil ""if she doesn't like the ring, she can return it in the Mercedes, and she'll still be happy."" ""So what about you, what did you get your wife?"" ""I got a pair of slippers and a dildo."" Phil is a bit taken aback. ""Why would you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"" ""It's simple really"" says Dave. ""If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."" " +30007,0,What do you call 10 black guys playing basketball ball? Three on three. +30008,2,What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California? Hellacopters +30009,3,What do you call people you like going to new restaurants with? Your tastebuds :) +30010,2,"I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar he gave it back and said "" I'm not homeless, I'm married "" " +30011,3,Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.  +30012,2,I'm planning an orgy. It's all coming together. +30013,1,They found a hole in the wall at the local prison The police are looking into it +30014,0,What unit of measurement do the British use to measure very heavy objects? BriTONS. +30015,0,"My friend's daughter said she wanted to 'play' Game of Thrones Me: Sweetie, it's a terrible game. You either win or you die. " +30016,1,"A sadist and a masochist are locked up in a jail cell The masochist says to the sadist: ""Hurt me!"" The sadist says no" +30017,0,"“W-where am I?” said Andre. “You are at the hospital bud.” said Kevin with his arm around Lacey. “Yeah you almost died and passed out.” said Jack. “I’m so glad you are alive!” said Alice hugging Andre. “Wow, I guess we all did learn something from this. Like with Alice taking the last pudding cup, Jack putting the recycles in the trash, Kevin breaking Jack’s game console, Lacey cheating on Kevin with Jack, Kevin cheating on Lacey with Alice, and Jack killed Alice’s dad and almost me.” said Andre “Wait, WHAT!?!??” screamed Alice runs out of the room as she looked at Jack in absolute horror. “How could you!?!?!” exclaimed by Kevin and Lacey as they walk outside the room in the start of an argument that will leave to their divorce. Thus leaving Jack in the corner blankly staring at Andre. “Aww man, I didn’t even get to say what I learned.” Andre says in sadness. “And that is?” Jack asks, slowly getting close to Andre. Andre Smiled and replied, “I learned to keep my mouth shut.” " +30018,6,"It's a boy! I shouted tears rolling down my face ""I don't believe it. A boy!"" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again." +30019,0,"Little Jimmy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. ""Yes, but you have to recite the alphabet first."" ""But teacher, it's an emergency!"" ""Just tell me the alphabet first and you can go. ""A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z."" ""Where's the P?"" ""It's all over your MOM'S FACE you retarded bitch! Lol owned""" +30020,3,"Motivation A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm. Lady asks the farm manager: ""How many times can this bull perform?"" Manager replies: ""5 to 6 times in a day"". Lady looks at her husband: ""You see?"" Husband asks the manager: ""Is it the same cow every time?"" Manager: ""No sir it’s a different cow every time."" Man looks back to wife: ""You see!""" +30021,2,"My boss told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke... ""So have I made myself clear?"" he said. I replied, ""No, I can still see you!"" " +30022,4,What do you call an Egyptian god who sucks at CS:GO? A-noob-is. +30023,1,Why did your grandparents' schools invent summer vacation? There wasn't any snow for the children to walk through uphill both ways to get to school. +30024,1,Cocaine is such a terrible drug But it does smell pretty good +30025,7,What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral. +30026,1,"When in Africa, where do you put the D? Djibouti *sorry I'm just trying not to fall asleep in geography class*" +30027,1,"My children messed up the furniture... when i got home from work i said ""Oh how the tables have turned...""" +30028,6,I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. Just to let her know I was thinking of her. +30029,1,What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats +30030,4,What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics? He finally came to his census. +30031,1,"Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss. My wife borrowed it, stupid Woman filled it with Weasel." +30032,3,"I feel bad for eggs. They only get laid once, they only get smashed once and the only chick who ever sits on their face is their mother. " +30033,1,"Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours everyday, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm instantly realised, that is was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one the rumoured Magical notes that musicians had theorised must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam’s 20th Birthday, it happened again. This time, the town was so impacted that no one moved, spoke or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they new that Sam had found the second note... And the next year on Sam’s Birthday, the town had realised there was a pattern involved. This time all the towns people were present in the monastery’s nave, watching in awe as Sam hit the glorious third note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam’s notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the magical notes growing sweater and sweater... until, that is, Sam’s 25th Birthday. All at first seemed as normal... Untill Sam hit the magical note. From the start Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closed monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The towns folk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. “What happened?” He asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. “Isn’t it obvious?” He said. “Sam sung Note 7” " +30034,2,What do you call a group of lions that is homosexual? Gay pride. +30035,2,What did I tell Simba when he was walking slow. To Mufasa. +30036,0,"Donald Trump calls Obama... TRUMP: I'm so furious about all of the negativity I'm getting from Hollywood lately. OBAMA: Yes I read about that. TRUMP: I'm gonna do something about it. OBAMA: What are you gonna do? TRUMP: What's it's called when you make a list of subversive people to make sure no one hires them? OBAMA: A blacklist? TRUMP: No I ready have that, I mean for white people? (Taken from CONAN - Golden Globes)" +30037,2,I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream... Sundae School. +30038,1,"A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ""It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"" ""Well,"" drawls the farmer, ""you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke."" She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. ""Okay,"" she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ""Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"" They say, ""Huh?"" She says, ""The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."" She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long. Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ""You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"" ""Yeah"", says Luke, ""I remember."" ""Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?"" ""Nope,"" says Luke, ""I reckon not."" ""Me neither"" says Jed, ""Let's take these things off!""" +30039,0,What is Eminem's favorite food? MOM'S SPAGHETTI +30040,0,"Three housewives were debating how wide their vaginas are... The first one said, ""When my husband makes sex, he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy."" The second one bragged, ""When we are in bed, my husband puts both his arms inside me."" Now it was the turn of the third girl, she pointed to her pussy and said, ""Baby, baby come out please.""" +30041,0,why are Palestine PCs very fast? because they have Ram allah +30042,1,Will the Supreme Court ban epilepsy on 4th Amendment grounds? It violates the right to be free from unreasonable seizures +30043,3,"A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale. The owner tells him he has good news and bad news. ​ “The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would double, possibly triple, in value. So he bought them all.” ​ “Whoa!” exclaims the artist. “That’s fantastic. What could be the bad news?” ​ “The guy is your doctor,” the owner says." +30044,2,What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologise. +30045,3,"some people think dick and balls are all one system however, theres a vas deferens between the two" +30046,1,Dying from taking too much viagra is a hard way to go +30047,1,Why couldn’t Johnny see his dad after he got a sex change operation? Because his dad was transparent +30048,0,"Tony and Tori were walking around town. . Tony says, ""See that building over there. They make plastics there. All kinds of different things."" ""Like what?"" She asks. ""Well, they make plastic fruit. Things like apples and bananas and strawberries."" ""Really? Are you sure, Tony."" ""Yes Tori."" He says. ""I'm sure. They also make toys for the Sea World gift shop. Things like plastic dolphins, whales, and sharks."" ""Are you positive?"" She asks. ""Yeah, I'm positive, Tori."" Tony says. ""They also produce lawn accessories for Walmart. Like garden gnomes and pink flamingos."" ""Are you certain, Tony?"" She asks. ""Yes. It's common knowledge. This place is quite famous."" He replies. ""It's a berry whale gnome factory.""" +30049,2,"A ship wrecks onto a dessert island Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing... so they bury her." +30050,0,Why can't most Americans start an internet rock band? They'd take up too much bandwidth +30051,0,What do you call a cold game show? A game snow! +30052,1,"A man walks into a bar The bartender says “What can I get you?” The man says “Cheapest beer I can get.” After many cheap beers, the man walks home, and stumbles into his house. The man, in his drunken state, yells at his wife to get him another beer. His wife, says that in his inebriated state, he should not drink any more beer. Enraged, the man begins beating his wife, causing her to scream out for help. A neighbor hears this, and calls for the police, and the man is arrested, as he has a history of incidents involving domestic abuse, but were written off as “accidents”. As the man is thrown in jail, he sees that he has a cell mate. The man asks his cell mate “What are you in here for?” The cell mate says “Well, I was arrested for several counts of theft. I had a reputation as ‘The Sensitive Burglar’” The man scoffs “What kind of nickname is that?” “No need to be rude” The burglar says, “I just take things personally”" +30053,2,I asked my brother if he has a fetish for rivers... He's in denial. +30054,3,Why does Ed not have a girlfriend Cause Sheeran away +30055,0,Why is a 2 year old afraid to turn 3 years old? He thinks he will grow a 3rd ear. +30056,5,"If there was a saggy boob competition, my wife would beat everyone... In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them..." +30057,1,"I called out sick from work today. I told my boss I have anal blindness. When they asked what it was, I told them I didn't see my ass coming into work today." +30058,1,It's Thanksgiving today. Long story short it's where Americans give thanks to the English for inventing them. You're welcome. +30059,0,Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent! +30060,4,why dont jewish people like getting made fun of? Because millions of them already got roasted +30061,4,"A penguin goes into a pub... At the bar the peanuts say: ""Nice tie Mr!"" In the toilets the condom machine says : ""You look stupid in that tie"" So he complains to the barman. The barman says : ""the peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order"" This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thought I would share. Edit: spelling " +30062,0,Someone tried to overthrow the government with some hors d'oeuvres but failed spectacularly. When will people learn that vol-au-vents is never the answer. +30063,1,Tinder is like the ocean Some times you catch fish some times you catch crabs +30064,0,"The Chinese Warrior There was a King who was trying to win a war. To do so, he hired an expert Chinese warrior who was famous across the 7 seas. To protect the warrior during the war, the king even gave him a suit of armor. During the war, the Chinese warrior turned out to be absolutely useless and in fact lead to the King's defeat. This happened because he was a Chink in His Armor" +30065,1,"Discovery Of Zero The great mathematician, Aryabhatta, once asked his wife, ""Will you let me go out alone & enjoy with my friends over every weekend, every month?"" Wife: What is the Probability of me saying yes as per your calculation ? That's when Aryabhatta discovered Zero " +30066,0,Samsung is now in the HotPockets business... the Note 7 will flagship the enterprise +30067,1,What do you call an orchestral orgy? A sinphony +30068,0,What do you call beautiful people in india ? Tourist +30069,1,I think if I saw God strangle Satan right now... ...it would only be the second biggest choke I've seen tonight. +30070,5,I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable +30071,3,No matter how much you push the envelope It will always be stationery. +30072,3,"A young tourist is sitting down at a bar Suddenly, an elderly man walks in, and the entire bar erupts in laughter. He goes and sits at the bar. The young tourist slides over to him and asks, ""Why were they all laughing at you?"" The old man looks at him, and says ""Do you see this bar?"" ""Yes, it's quite beautiful"" ""Aye, I built this bar, and every bar in this town. But do they call me Seamus the Bar-builder? No. ""How about that fence? Do you like that fence?"" ""Of course"" said the tourist. ""Aye, I built that fence, and it runs all through town. But do they call me Seamus the Fence-builder? No. ""But you fuck one goat..."" ""Surely people will eventually forget"" ""Aye, they would've long ago; if not for the fact that people find this funny and post it online every 2 days...""" +30073,0,"The thing about boats... If we don't bow, everyone gets stern. " +30074,6,"The power of Pepsi So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops ""Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!"" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted ""Anybody wanna buy some coke?!""" +30075,4,If everyone spells your sons name wrong... Then you spelled your sons name wrong +30076,0,What happens when you cross a Redditor and a mailman? [OC] Gallo...a guy that goes repostal. +30077,1,I wouldn't create a palindrome for a Klondike Bar. But I'd... Murder for a jar of red rum. +30078,3,What's an oranges' favorite movie? Pulp Fiction. +30079,3,"Every time I walk into a store with my dad Worker: ""Can I help you?"" Dad: ""No, he was born like that.""" +30080,0,"How Did Santa Get Herpes? Too many hoe, hoe, hoes." +30081,2,"Chemistry Lesson Me: ""Hey girl, if you were a compound, you'd be copper telluride. You know why?"" Girl: ""Because I'm cute?"" Me: ""Nah, you're just really dense.""" +30082,3,"I took the HOV lane underground, when suddenly my hands started cramping on the steering wheel. Must be my carpool tunnel syndrome." +30083,0,Playing Truth or Dare Boy: Truth. Girl: Did you suggest we play this game strictly to try to hookup with me? Boy: You're not playing the game right. +30084,0,What does Trump eat for breakfast? Eggs Benedict Arnold +30085,0,"Dad said he met my stepmom outside a strip club... ""But Dad, you said you met her on a golf course!"" ""Exactly. We weren't inside a strip club."" " +30086,0,What do you call Donald Trump as a Liberal? Still a retard +30087,3,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. +30088,3,What would u call a clairvoyant midget who escaped prison? A small medium at large. +30089,3,Someone told me I was condescending today Condescending means you talk down to people +30090,5,Why is the south bad at calculus? They don't know how to integrate. +30091,3,How long do owls live? Six and a half books. +30092,3,"Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom... ... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars." +30093,3,What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes +30094,1,I heard that there was State of Emergency in FL I didn't know that one state can be in another state. +30095,0,What do you call a doctor who only pretends to treat cocaine addictions? A quack. +30096,1,The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout. A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law. +30097,5,My Ex had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh If you put your ear to it you could smell the ocean. +30098,1,I like my coffee like I like my pornstars. Hot and filled with cream. +30099,2,Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. +30100,2,"2 men in a life raft 2 men are in a life raft in the middle of the ocean, because their fishing boat had sunk After a few days, the two are very exhausted and dehydrated Suddenly, one sees a bottle floating past “Maybe it has beer!” Exclaims the first man happily as he scoops up the bottle They open it and a genie suddenly appears “I will give you two one wish, but only one, so choose wisely.” The second man was smart and suggested that they think hard about what to wish for Just then, the first man blurts out “I WISH THE WHOLE OCEAN WAS MADE OF BEER!” The genie grants his wish and disappears “ you idiot!”Cries the second man “Now we have to pee in the boat!”" +30101,4,"Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?" +30102,1,"What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper? ""What?"" ""You aren't coming to my house""" +30103,4,"Well, i met with a dyslexic satanist that sold his soul to Santa." +30104,3,"A dad walks into the room and sees his daughter having sex with a boy. The girl says, “Dad, I’m sorry!” Dad: Hi Sorry, I’m dad! Then he turns to the boy and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”" +30105,0,I like my women like I like my underwear Drenched in blood and feces. +30106,0,I was milking my cows when I saw one of them had laid in a cow pie. It was udder bullshit. +30107,6,What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay +30108,3,Why did the cows have to flee the farm's cannabis field? Because the steaks were high when the pigs rolled in... +30109,0,My girlfriend thinks I'm a gentleman for waiting for her to go inside before I drive away. When really I'm just letting out about 6 hours' worth of farts. +30110,0,Where do you hire Substitutes? At SubWay +30111,4,"A boy is sitting crying on a church stairs.... A stranger walks by and asks him: Why are you crying little one? What happened? Boy: \\*sobs\\* My mother died. stranger: I´m so sorry, do you want to go in and talk to a priest maybe? Boy: \\*shakes his head\\* Not really. I´m really not in the mood for sex right now." +30112,1,"I was trying to change a lightbulb in the ceiling fan My wife saw me struggling to reach it since it was pretty high up. She said, ""Let me get something for you to stand on. Do you prefer the ladder or the step stool?"" I said, ""I'll take the latter."" So she brought me the step stool, just like I asked." +30113,1,What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections? Orange is the new black. +30114,2,"Thematically kinda Halloween Three vampires meet each other in a dark alley completely covered in blood. 1st vampire: Blah! Fellow night dwellers, see that plain with dead herd of cows over there? Yes, my work, is why I'm all bloody. 2nd: Weakling, see those 4 dead people in this alley? Totally sucked all their blood. Now it's all over me. 3rd: See the tall tower over there, guys? Both: Um, duh, yea. 3rd: Well, I didn't." +30115,2,How does a flower whistle? Through their tulips. +30116,1,You wanna know what's a real pain in the ass? Hemorrhoids. +30117,0,Why aren't there any feminists in Japan? Whale huntings legal +30118,2,"Hey girl, are you a subreddit? Because you are mildlyinteresting" +30119,4,What's Michael Jackson's favorite subreddit? r/TIHI +30120,3,"A person who illegally exports sheep is called an owler Unless you are from Wales, then you are a sex trafficker." +30121,3,"A Jewish boy needs $20 So he asks his father. Son: Papa, could I have twenty bucks please? Father: Ten bucks!? Whaddya need five bucks for!?" +30122,4,"Father of one of my kids. A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' " +30123,2,"Red Car Day Red car day - in Honor of my Dad My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the time. This is one of his best stories which I told at his eulogy. There was a new guy, Jim, who joined the crew the summer of ’74 who became an instant comrade. The jokesters of the crowd - my dad amongst them - decided after a month or 2 it was time for a prank. It’s important to recall in those days there were no cell phones, computers, google, ezpass computerized toll collection, nothing. If you needed to go anywhere back then you needed physical directions “go a mile down the road and at the gas station make a left.” Even toll roads (bridges and such) had people manning them and if you dared speed through, there were dedicated patrol cars who would chase after you, get the toll and give you a ticket, right then and there. They decided to invite him to the end of summer cookout traditionally given by Ben, one of the men at my dad’s job. Jim was told that Ben lived in a remote area where even a physical map wasn’t going to help nearing his house. “You’ve got to follow someone on the highway to get there because the exits get really tricky,” they told Jim. He asked my dad if he could follow him to the cookout. Dad: “Sure,” my dad said. “By the way, what color car do you have?” my dad asked rather matter of factly. Jim: “Well, red I guess. Why?” D: “You lucky SOB. The cookout is on the 19th, It’s red car day on the highway that day.” J: “Red car day?! What the hell are you talking about?” D: “What are you living under a rock? The highway has free toll days for red, black, yellow and blue cars on the 2nd, 14th, 19th and 22nd of every month during the summer.” J: “I never heard of that. Why the hell do they do that?” D: “When they were building this highway back in the 40s there were 4 deaths, and those 4 men are honored with free tolls on the days they died. 3 months out of the year they give people with red, black, yellow and blue cars (the color of the cars the men had) free tolls to honor the brave men who died building the very road you’re driving on.” J: “Wow! That’s quite a story. I had no idea. I have to admit I don’t travel that road very but that is really very nice to honor them that way.” So, Jim made arrangements to follow my dad (with me, my brother and mom in the car with him) on the 22nd of August. As we got onto the highway, my dad made sure to drive slow enough to not lose Jim and be absolutely certain Jim was right behind my dad as they approached the toll plaza. My dad rolled down the window to pay the toll saying to the clerk, “I’m paying for me and guy directly behind me.” As my dad drive away slowly, Jim inched up not really sure what was going to happen. However, the toll booth clerk just waved her hand as if to say “go ahead” and Jim, a tad startled at first, hit the gas and went. My dad giggled a bit, then made sure to keep driving slow enough to not lose Jim as they approached the second toll plaza. My dad said to the clerk, “This is for me and guy directly behind me.” As my dad drive away slowly, you could see Jim was more confident but still cautious. However, as the toll booth clerk waved his hand “go ahead” Jim hit the gas, this time a smile crawling across his face. He gained up to my dad in no time. The traffic was getting a bit thicker now and my dad used this traffic to partially lose Jim, but make sure he could still see him. Approaching the next toll plaza, my dad was in a different lane than Jim. My dad stopped and paid the toll while Jim sailed through the toll lane. You could hear the audible alarm of a toll-jumper, and the black-n-white police car in hot pursuit of Jim. My dad pulled away slowly from the toll catching up to Jim hearing him arguing with the cop, “Yeah, it’s red car day.” The funniest part was hearing Jim tell his side of it at the BBQ. All the fellas chipped in to pay the fine. :-)" +30124,3,"When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies- -I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking." +30125,4,"Me and my son we're at the zoo... And he asked me "" those turtles are doing piggy backs"" I knew it was time to have The Talk. So I said "" Son those are tortoises"" " +30126,0,"An old lady had Alzheimer and Parkingson's disease She woke up every morning asking: ""why am I shaking?""" +30127,0,What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? The texture and taste +30128,3,I stopped a woman from getting kidnapped today. My self control is really improving! +30129,1,"Oklahoma isn't that good, but i guess its OK" +30130,2,What did the O say to the Q? Dude your dick is hangin out! +30131,0,"You might be a redneck if... The ufo hotline limits you to 1 call per day, You mow your yard and find a car, Have less teeth than your 2 year old, Walk your child to school because your in the same grade, See a sign saying ""say no to crack"" and you pull your pants, Your dog and wallet are both on a chain, People ask to hunt in your yard, Someone shows up to your house once a day mistakenly thinking your having a yard sale." +30132,0,My wife is threatening to throw me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. More on this after the break +30133,2,"What did the sign for the strip club say during the day? Sorry, we're clothed Taken from Demetri Martin " +30134,1,What did the chef say when asked if he thought he could make the stack of paper taste good? Reams seasonable. +30135,1,"Daughter went to dad crying Daughter: Dad, I'm pregnant. My boyfriend is the father Dad: Did he do it against your will ? Daughter: No daddy! He did it against the wall" +30136,5,"Pirate walks into the bar... A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, ""Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!!"" ""What do you mean?"" said the pirate, ""I feel fine."" ""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."" ""Well,"" said the pirate, ""We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."" The bartender replied, ""Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"" The pirate explained,""We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."" ""What about that eye patch?"" ""Oh,"" said the pirate, ""One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."" ""You're kidding,"" said the bartender. ""You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."" ""It was my first day with the hook.""" +30137,4,If we find a dead feline on mars We won’t be sure but Curiosity may have killed the cat +30138,2,"So this cowboy buys a new horse... As he's saddling him up to leave the ranch, the previous owner tells him, ""There's only one thing different about this here horse. He was raised by a preacher since he was a pony. If you want him to stop, you say Amen. If you want him to go, you say praise the Lord."" ""Yeah, yeah, yeah!"" the cowboy says, ""Raised by a preacher. Praise the Lord. Amen."" And off he rides, heading for home. He quickly forgets the instructions though, and before long, the horse is galloping straight for a cliff. ""Whoa! Whoa!! WHOA!!!"" he yells, but the horse doesn't stop. He's moments away from death when he cries out, ""God, please save me, and I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life! I pray in the Jesus' name! AMEN!"" Suddenly the horse skids to a halt, right at the edge of the cliff. Pebbles clatter down into the canyon below. The cowboy is so relieved, he hollers, ""Praise the Lord!""" +30139,2,"A man walked into the doctors... ... he had carrots sticking out of his nose, broccoli in his ears and bacon up his arse, The doctors said “well I can tell right away you’re not eating right” " +30140,2,Did you know cats can memorize up to 120 commands? They just don't want to. +30141,0,What does Trump produce the most of? Salt. +30142,1,"Guys, 9/11 jokes aren't funny. But the other two are." +30143,0,It's said that there's a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay who illegally downloads music. I think it's a con's piracy. +30144,1,"None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me insane, Tyrone.” One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac condition. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform at the Cleveland Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong . When he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his floor buffer! Don’t tell me you thought the story was about how Tyrone became a heart-surgeon!" +30145,2,"What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're stuck up bitches. " +30146,0,I recently went to the theatre to see a production about puns Well really it was a play on words +30147,1,What kind of facial hair does a teenage Native American have? Apache beard +30148,1,"a family of hillbillies visits a city for the first time As they walk into their hotel they see an elevator for the first time. An old man walks in and after a few minutes of humming and blinking lights a younger man walks out. Next a middle aged woman walks in and after the same length of time a young teenage girl comes out. The father exclaims ""quick go get your mother""" +30149,1,"Our local barber just got arrested today Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber." +30150,2,Why are New Yorkers so skeptical about everything? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey +30151,3,"My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany. He said we need to know about the ex axis." +30152,1,What did the VSCO girl say when she got run over by a truck? She didn't say anything. She got skskskquished. +30153,1,The infinity stones aren't infinity there are only six of them +30154,2,What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 m long? a pi-thon!! (Python) +30155,0,"NSFW A extremely conceited couple... .. were screwing, when she asked, ""Tight ain't it? "" To which he replied, ""No just full! """ +30156,1,You can tell a lot about a person by reading my girlfriend’s email +30157,3,"TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do. Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius." +30158,9,"Thanks for explaining the word ""many"" to me. It means a lot." +30159,6,"A jewish man goes into a public restroom He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, ""Are you a Jew?"" ""Why yes, I am,"" he replied. ""Are you circumcised?"" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. ""A strange question... but yes.. I am circumcised..."" ""Did you grow up in New York?"" The second man asked. ""Well, yes! I did. How did you know?"" ""Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?"" ""I did! How do you know so much about me?"" ""He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe.""" +30160,3,You know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles. +30161,4,I called a suicide hotline in saudi arabia they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane +30162,1,"Today I learned the history of the word noodles Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'naught' and 'food' and put them together, which eventually became the word noodles. The Western world was impressed, but thought 'empty food' seemed a bit negative. So they took the number one and the word 'food' and combined them to make 'oodles'. Oodles of noodles sounded great, it felt like the number one food. I thought this etymology was wonderful and decided to have noodles for dinner. I invited my friend over and we went to order two servings from the local takeout shop. However, when I went in to order, they just smiled and waved goodbye. I turned to my friend, utterly confused. ""Why didn't they take my order?"" I asked them. ""Well, it was probably because you said toodles""." +30163,0,What's the best reboot of a game ever? Star Wars Battlefront II +30164,0,"Finally, I'm not a virgin anymore! I mean, I got shot by a gun last night. " +30165,2,How much of Canada’s land is further north than Norway? Nunavut. +30166,5,Siri kept on calling me Shirley today I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode. +30167,0,There's a new perfume being marketed to the super poor that contains a singular ingredient... It's called One Scent +30168,0,"I lost my watch at a party once An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch." +30169,2,What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Robberto +30170,4,"A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision. ""Listen ladies,"" she said. ""As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."" The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause." +30171,1,Why are the bakers kids stupid? Because they are in bread! +30172,2,The opposite of pro is con. The opposite of progress is congress. +30173,4,Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs. +30174,0,"Once a man was walking along a road and he saw lot of people under a tree looking up. He soon found out that a man was up that tree but couldn't come down, and nobody could think of a way to rescue him. So this man I mentioned first brought a rope threw a rope up to the man up the tree and told him to hold on to it tightly. Then this man, I mentioned first, pulled on the rope. The man up the tree fell down and was injured. The crowd shouted angrily at the stupid man and his idea who said, 'I had rescued someone before in this way, but now that I think of it, was it from a tree or a well' " +30175,1,Every zoo is a petting zoo... If you're not a little bitch +30176,3,Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers? They’re better for ball room. +30177,1,I have an addiction to cheddar... But it's only mild +30178,1,Why was Peter Pan able to fly? If you got hit in the Peter with a pan you'd fly too +30179,0,Compromising does not mean... Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego! +30180,9,"What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh... -------------------------------------------------------------------- EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing, you godd... motherfu... hookers. /u/whitefoot /u/thumpas /u/owlve - What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. /u/YouKnowWhatYouWant /u/The1WhoKnocks-WW /u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmy warriors and a girls' track team? One's a bunch of cunning runts. /u/circuituously /u/Bduell1 - What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath? One's got hope in her soul, the other.... /u/PussyOnRye /u/BluRayVonBismark /u/CptEchoOscar /u/goatkindaguy - What's the difference between a circus and a sorority? One's a cunning array of stunts..... /u/brucethehoon /u/Harrytrumandorisday /u/dghughes /u/TheGiggleWizard /u/FlyingPhotog /u/deepsoulfunk - What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an oyster with epilepsy? One, you shuck between fits, and the other you fuck between shits. /u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a lawyer and a defiant rooster? One clucks defiance... /u/fixitinpost - What's the difference between a kitten having an orgasm and a shish kabob? The shish kabob skews between meats... /u/sonofstone - What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of the clause. /u/bilbo_dragons - What's the difference between a video game console and a glue factory? One's a Sony Playstation and the other's a pony slaystation. /u/Doses-Mimosas /u/Julfr /u/Jtdollars - What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. /u/Bduell1 - What's the difference between a baby and a choir director? One of them sucks his fingers, and the other one fucks his singers. /u/dusmeyedin - What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? A magician's wand is cunning stunts, and a policeman's truncheon is for... apprehending criminals. /u/Deltethnia - What's the difference between a cyclist and a psychiatrist? On rides on something held together by nuts, the other holds nuts together and takes them for a ride! /u/jellycube - What's the difference between a good vacuum and the Swiss navy? One sucks and sucks and never fails... /u/Hingle_McCringleberry - What's the difference between a Metallica concert and a Mike Tyson fight? One leaves a ring in the ears, the other leaves an ear in the ring /u/moak0 (crediting [Redd Foxx](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z19kt3_Wc54) ) - What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? A goldfish likes to muck around the fountain. /u/jorge123 - What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore! /u/AAT_AAT - What's the difference between a seagull and a baby with diarrhoea? One flits across the shore the other shits across the floor... *Honorable Mentions:* /u/jamspangle /u/JacksCologne - There are two types of people in the world; those that can extrapolate from incomplete data. /u/grandboyman - There are 10 types of people in this world.Those that understand binary and those that don't. /u/jorge1213 - What's the difference between a lobster and an oriental woman run over by a steamroller? One is a crustacean, the other is a crushed Asian. " +30181,0,"Pick up line. Step 1: Get a tattoo of a Pepsi can. Step 2: Walk up to someone. Excuse me! Does this Pepsi belong to you? (points towards Pepsi) It misses you, and wants to go home with you. ~~slap~~" +30182,1,"School mam Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ""Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"" Johnny says "" Mas-ter-bate."" Ms Hall smiles and says, ""Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."" Little Billy says, ""No, Miss Hall, you're thinking of a blowjob."" " +30183,1,"What’s black, white, and red all over? Micheal Jackson after a fist fight." +30184,0,"Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who killed his last customer? He hasn’t been caught yet Yeah, he’s a small medium at large" +30185,2,Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? You can drop them off anywhere. +30186,0,How do you call boomerang that doesn't return ? Stick .... +30187,3,For sale: The Complete Enlopædiea Brittania Reason: No longer needed. Wife knows everything +30188,1,"NSFW - This guy sees his appendage in comparison to the guy next to him in the bathroom. #NSFW So this white guy notices that the black guy next to him at the urinal has a larger dick. It's not the first time he noticed the relationship. Finally, he summons the courage to ask. ""Why are your black dicks larger than our white dicks ?"" The black guy chuckles. ""It's cultural."" he says ""You see, when we are little our mothers tie a weight onto our penis and let it stretch out."" WoW thinks the first guy ""Do you think it would work with me?"" ""Sure, why not, except you aren't so little anymore, so you better use a big weight"". So the white guy ties a brick around his member and staggers around the neighborhood awhile. A few days later they happen to cross paths again. The white guy is slowly walking bowlegged, so the black guy asks ""Are you still working on that little project of yours ?"". ""Oh Yeah"", he replied, ""It's not much longer, but it's already turned black"". " +30189,2,People in wheelchairs.... ...shouldn't let other people push them around. +30190,0,"Boy or Girl. A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother. " +30191,1,"Son, some children, before they are born, are the jewel of their mother's eye. You, however, were the crust in the corner." +30192,1,What's your mom's favorite seafood resturant? Captain D's Nutz +30193,0,Supreme court I like how they praise that new Justice for hiring more woman. But if he was sexist wouldn't he want more titties and beer? +30194,1,"Everybody dies and they all go to heaven... at the gate, God separates the men and women. He tells the men to go stand in one of the two lines that are created. ""The men who are whipped by their mate"" is the first line and stood 100 miles long with a line of men. ""The men who dominated their mate"" stood with only one person in the line. God Got furious and said, ""You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!"" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, ""I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."" " +30195,2,Why is it so difficult to wake up certain NBA players in the morning? They think they're already up. +30196,1,"A man walks into a gay bar The bartender shouts ""anyone want a white Russian?""" +30197,0,We need to get money out of politics It's going to corrupt the money +30198,0,What did Bruce Wayne say when Wayne enterprises was dying? My business is wayne-ing. +30199,2,Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze. +30200,0,If only Africa had more mosquito nets Then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly from aids. +30201,1,What do two snakes do after fighting? They hiss and make up +30202,0,I've found out recently the worst way to start a bennefit gig for abused children is with an apology +30203,0,How do you think the unthinkable? With an ‘itheberg’ +30204,1,What's a pirate's least favorite letter? A threatening one from their ISP +30205,0,"When jews get a spray tan, women start wanting to get a taste of them. Orange jews." +30206,6,"Why are the twin towers and genders so similar? Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now." +30207,2,Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole. +30208,5,"AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle Oops, wrong sub. " +30209,0,"I asked my friend why his new boots had whoopee cushions on the soles He said ""they're my new Doc Fartens""" +30210,0,You can’t spell happiness Without “penis” +30211,2,Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products? Because they can't afford health insurance in the US +30212,5,"A man sees his shed being robbed... A man, about to crawl into bed with his wife for the night, looks out his window to see 3 men robbing his shed. So, he calls the police. ""Hello, I see three men stealing from my shed, can you please send someone down here?"" The operator replies, ""I'm sorry sir, but there's no units available in your area. It will take 30 minutes for someone to get to you."" The man thinks this is odd, but hangs up. A minute later he calls back and says, ""Ok, you can take your time now, because I've shot them all."" Within 6 minutes police cruisers arrive on-scene and catch the 3 robbers red-handed. A police officer walks up to the man and says, ""I thought you said you'd shot them all?"" The man replies, ""I thought you said there were no units available in the area?""" +30213,1,"The Bald Train Upon his death, a very rich man bequeathed his wealth to the building of a luxury train service only for bald men. The man himself was bald and even with all his wealth, he felt something was missing in his life and thus wanted to do one nice thing for his follicly challenged fellows. ​ So the train service is started and they are top of the line. Private booths, cushy seats, WIFI, the works. All for the price of a regular train ticket. Bald people finally felt like even if they have nothing in life at least they have one thing no one else has. ​ It just so happened that one day a man had to go into the city and was running very late for his appointment. He didn't have enough money for a cab only enough for a regular train ticket. ​ The man knew that this was a ""bald-only"" train but due to his circumstances decided to risk it. He snuck on and found himself a private booth all for himself and settled in for the ride. ​ In due time the conductor started to come around to both verify that the men were indeed bald and to check/sell tickets. In this instance, the conductor was a blind man, and he would verify the passengers' baldness by feeling their scalp. ​ The man heard the knock on his booth from the conductor. ​ ""I'm here for verification, sir."" ​ The man, not wanting to get thrown off the train, did the only thing he could think of and pulled his trousers down and presented his bare ass to the conductor. ​ The conductor felt the butt for a second and was remarked: ​ ""Allow me to say, sir, what a magnificent bald head you have. It even has a part in the middle.""" +30214,0,What did the mute dude tell the deaf man? That a blind guy was watching him. +30215,6,"There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”" +30216,0,Tall things are usually unstable... The exception is Kim Jong Un. +30217,1,What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn “o” into an “O”. +30218,3,"Man walks into a store to return a doorbell... A clerk asks if he needs help and the man tells him ""Yes I'm here to return a doorbell, she's broken."" The clerk says ""Why did you just call that doorbell 'she'?"" The man says ""Because it's a female doorbell."" The clerk asks ""How do you figure that?"" The man says ""Because it has a ding but no dong.""" +30219,0,"Yeah so our new facility site got moved, we were going to be next to the Coca-Cola factory but... ""... that site got canned so we picked a new spot."" I subconsciously made that joke the other day to a vendor at work. I didn't even realize it until he pointed it out. Hope it gives someone a chuckle! :)" +30220,2,A blind girl told me I had a huge dick... but she was just pulling my leg +30221,0,What do you call a meter that is 10x stronger than the others? The Decimeter +30222,0,"Ebay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 121,752 matches." +30223,0,Don't you hate it when there's no toilet paper in your stall . . and you have to ask the person in the next stall to come over and wipe you. +30224,0,I shower once or twice each day of the week. I dont get why people say that showering one Monday per year isnt enough tho. +30225,0,Did you hear the joke about the chinese cobbler? I'ts a bit lacist! +30226,0,One should not play Pokemon while driving around in the city and b careful always... Yesterday a Bulbasaur almost came under my wheels ! +30227,2,No matter how kind you are German children are kinder +30228,0,What has three eyes and one leg? traffic light +30229,2,"God in a parking lot A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”" +30230,0,What is dead or alive at the same time? Anything in a box +30231,0,I went on a date with a daycare worker who hated her boss. I told her I could get a her a work-from-home opportunity in about 9 months... +30232,2,"Three special forces men are out camping one evening. An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at the campfire swapping tough guy stories. The army ranger pipes up by bragging, ""One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."" Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. ""Well we navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of top secret weaponry."" The green beret just sat there nodding his head and listening while stirring the campfire coals with his dick." +30233,1,The job centre told me to take a job as a grave digger. But I told them it was beneath me. +30234,2,Knock knock. - Who's there? X-men X-men who? Caitlyn Jenner ​ ​ Sry... I had to take this joke out of my head +30235,0,"Son: Dad, I'm gay. Dad: whatever floats your boat son. Son: what floats your boat dad? Dad: Buoyancy. " +30236,1,Why are so many Koreans named Park? Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes. +30237,1,Why was the young melon couple so upset? the judge said they cantalope +30238,3,"A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.” The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good ten minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?” “Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?” “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says. “That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthetist, aren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man. The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”" +30239,6,"I've been hiring a blind prostitute lately, And I really have to hand it to her." +30240,0,"What song played as 59 Tomahawk missiles left the Navy base? Assad, SAD situation" +30241,2,My mom told me I had to stop being a flamingo So I had to put my foot down +30242,2,"Ed Zachary Disease A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor. He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything. When she went in, she explained that she was single, didn’t think she was too bad looking, but couldn’t get anybody interested in her. He wrote it all down. He had a strong accent, but she understood when he said, “Take off aww you crothes.” She did so. Then he said, “Now, craw acrows da froor on you hand and knee.” She did so. He said, “Now craw back to me.” She complied. Then he told her, “You haf Ed Zachary disease.” She said, “Ed Zachary disease?” “Yep. Worse case I ever see.” “Well, what’s Ed Zachary disease?” He said, “Dat when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass.”" +30243,0,WHAT A PRANK WHAT A PRANK +30244,7,2 drunk men walk into a whorehouse [NFSW] The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference' After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time' The second says 'I think Mine was a witch' First: 'really whys that?' Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window' +30245,1,What does a programmer eat for breakfast? Bootloops! +30246,1,Let me tell you a little about myself... It's a reflexive pronoun meaning me. +30247,0,Why do Mimes have no benefits? Because they never speak up. +30248,3,"Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store 1. No thanks... Just sniffing. 2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. 5. Will you model this for me? 6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that. 7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *naked* anyway!" +30249,1,"A facebook user, a LINE user (japanese social media), and a redditor are having a drink at a bar. The facebook user says ""I've got to go home and spend time with the wifey."" The LINE user says ""I must go home and spend time with the waifu."" The redditor says ""Then I'll go home and spend time with the wifi.""" +30250,2,How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? It's not hard... +30251,0,"A Muslim greets a Butcher ""Salem alikum"" The butcher starts licking the salamis ""Why are you doing that?"" The Muslim asks ""You said Salami, lick 'em"" " +30252,1,"I had a joke about milk, But after a while I realized it was cheesy..." +30253,0,Why do feminists like getting abortions? Because even feminists don't want more feminists +30254,0,What do you call a group of Corruptors? A U.S. Congress of Corruptors. +30255,0,You're walking past student housing at an Italian university. How do you know the smart students are having sex? Summa cum laude. +30256,1,"My friend is a doctor Hope it is'nt a repost. My friend is a gynaecologist. So he had a patient who came for a pelvic examination. Since he was a male doctor he didn't want it to be awkward so he tried talking to the patient, he looked around and saw her sandals and on it, it was written ""made in Mexico"". So he asked her if she had recently been to mexico. The patient blushed and asked him if he could tell all that, just from a pelvic examination." +30257,1,What do you get when you cross an Elaphant with a Rhino? Elaphino. +30258,0,How do you get clean coal? Make the Irish children to wash their hands before sending them into the mine. +30259,4,How do trees communicate? They bark. +30260,0,What do you call a breastfeeding grandma? Cheese Nips +30261,3,What do you call a Mongolian swindler? A Khan artist. +30262,0,"A man goes skydiving for the first time in his life. When the time arrived, he jumped from the plane, counted to 10, and pulled the rip cord. But his parachute didn't open. He was scared for a moment, until he remembered his emergency chute, and pulled the cord for that. Again, the parachute didn't open. Now the man is panicked, and as he is plummeting toward earth, he sees another man rising into the air rapidly. Thinking this was he only chance, he yelled out, ""Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?"" ""No!"" came the answer. ""Do you know anything about Coleman camp stoves?"" " +30263,2,Did you hear about the bread-less klansman who couldn't drink milk? He lacked toast and tolerance. +30264,0,Why are black people uncircumcised? Because they cum from the hood +30265,1,"Ugly People go to Heaven (semi-long) On a dark and snowy road, a bus filled with 20 very ugly people crashes and explodes, instantly killing everyone. However, they’re all good and kind people. So, they all go to heaven. As they stand in front of the pearly gates, waiting to enter, God appears before them. He says, “My kind and generous people. Despite me making each one of you extremely unappealing, you all led good and caring lives. For this behavior, I will grant you each one wish before you enter heaven for all eternity.” They formed a single file line and the first girl walked up to god and said “I wish I beautiful!” *Poof* She miraculously turns into the most beautiful girl anyone had ever seen. This line of wishing continues as they go.. “I wish I was gorgeous” “I wish I was handsome” “I wish I was good-looking” *Poof* *Poof* *Poof* as God grants each one of them their wish. Making all of them physically appealing. Finally it comes down to the last man in line. Number 20. As he walks up to God he carries a very sinister grin. He says “God, before I make my wish, may I ask you one question?” “Of course” God replies. The man asks “So basically what I just saw is that each one of them wished they were beautiful or handsome as their one and only wish before they all walked into heaven for the rest of eternity?” God responds “Yes my son, that is correct.” The man says “Great, I just wanted to be sure... I wish they were all ugly again.”" +30266,1,Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course houses can't jump +30267,1,If James Bond was Spanish. My name is Bond. James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond.. +30268,0,Are you a beginner violinist playing c natural? Cuz you’re looking pretty sharp +30269,4,"A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor. Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side. ""Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?"" Says Jay. ""I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book."" Bill replies. ""Well, what does it say in the book!?"" ""It says here to apply pressure."" ""Ok"" says Jay as he turns to the patient, ""Mate, if you don't stop bleeding, you're gonna fucking die.""" +30270,1,How did the prostitute get instant karma? By tagging her post as NSFW. +30271,0,How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS +30272,1,"The Assassin's Interview Not mine read somewhere thought you guys will like it: The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"" The man said, ""You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."" The agent said, ""Then you're not the right man for this job."" The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.""I tried, but I can't kill my wife."" The agent said, ""You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."" Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, ""This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."" " +30273,0,Back in the old days there were these babies born and they were immediately thrown into snow banks Today we call them engineers. +30274,0,"I was watching a baseball match, wondering why the ball was getting bigger Then it hit me" +30275,0,"Man: Hi, do you want to dance? Woman: Yeah, sure! - Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend! " +30276,0,The FineBros remind me of a movie villian... ...they revealed their master plan via monologue and were stopped before they could end the world. +30277,4,"My family's surname is depressant, we all share a bleak outlook on life. Except for my auntie." +30278,0,12 Chickens lay 12 eggs each for a home run farm buisness. Gross domestic product! +30279,4,I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl My wife hated it though. +30280,4,"My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion As he died he kept telling us to ""be positive"" but it's hard without him." +30281,0,"I named my son Sir. Now everwhere he goes, he's treated like royalty." +30282,0,What do you get for sitting in on a judge's lap? An honorable discharge +30283,1,"We narrowed down what you wife has Doctor: She either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s. Patient: Thats terrible, they’re 2 totally different things. Doctor: I know, But don’t worry. I have one last test that you can do yourself. Put a bag over her head and drop her off outside of town. If she finds her way back home...Don’t fuck her!" +30284,4,A naked woman robbed a bank... No one could remember her face. +30285,0,Abraham Lincoln is one of the least guilty presidents of all time! He was in-a-cent! +30286,0,How do you call a jewish gull? a ba-gull +30287,7,"A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, ""You aren't from around here, are ya?"" The guy says, ""No, I'm from Canada."" The bartender says, ""What do you do in Canada?"" The guy says, ""I'm a taxidermist."" The bartender says, ""A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' ""No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."" The bartender grins and yells, ""He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"" " +30288,0,What did the cannibal say to Spartacus after he killed his wife? Nothing. He just ate her +30289,5,"My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction So I packed my stuff up and right Edit: Thank you for the platinum, kind stranger!" +30290,10,"My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling Edit: Yo my post made it to r/all that's so sick, this was told to me by one of my best friends earlier today so shout out to you bud!!" +30291,0,Crazy Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog +30292,2,"An old man is stuck in the middle of a freezing blizard. He is freezing, but not the least bit terrified. He has hope that he will be saved. By now, they snow is at his ankles. His hope comes along when he sees a dog sled. The driver of the sled says, ""Need some help?"" ""No,"" the old man says. ""God will save me."" ""If you say so."" The driver says. The sled mushes on. When the snow gets to his waist, he sees another dog sled. ""Need a lift?"" The driver says. ""No,"" the old man says. ""God will save me."" ""If you insist."" The driver says. The sled mushes on. When the snow gets to his neck, he sees another dog sled. The driver barely sees him. ""Need a hand?"" The driver says. ""No,"" the old man says. ""God will save me."" ""If you say so."" The driver says. The sled mushes on. When the snow gets to his forehead, the man's eyes begin to get heavy. The last thing he says is ""God will save me."" He is claimed by the cold. He arrives at the gates of Heavan and gets into it. The first thing he does is find God. ""God,"" he says. ""I devoted my life to you. I went to church every week and prayed to you every night. Why didn't you save me?"" ""For fuck's sake, old man!"" God yells in frustration. I sent 3 dog sleds!""" +30293,2,"A very depressed looking man is sitting at a bar, his shirt front covered in vomit. The bartender asks him, ""What's wrong friend? What's got you looking so down?"" The man replies, ""Things aren't going well for me today. I promised my wife I'd cut down on my drinking. When I get home and she sees my shirt like this, she's gonna know I got boozed up and vomited all down my shirt. She's gonna kill me, they'll never find the body!"" The bartender thinks for a moment, then responds, ""Hey friend, I got an idea. Put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife sees your shirt tell her that you did go to the bar but you only had one drink. The guy sitting next to you was really drunk and he vomited on your shirt. He felt so bad he gave you this ten bucks to get your shirt cleaned."" The man's face lights up, his depression melting away now that he has a plan. He thanks the bartender, gives him triple his usual tip, and puts two ten dollar bills in his shirt pocket before getting in the cab to head home. The man's wife was waiting for him on the living room couch. As soon as she sees the vomit on his shirt she stands up, sticks her finger in his face, and screams, ""I told you if this ever happens again we are finished! That's it! I want a divorce you disgusting alcoholic!"" The man reaches for the money in his pocket, holds it up, and explains calmly, ""Relax honey. I did go to the bar after work but I only had one drink. The guy sitting next to me was very drunk, and he was the one that vomited on my shirt. He felt so bad he gave me ten dollars to get it cleaned."" The wife looks at the money, ""But why have you got twenty bucks there?"" The man replies, ""Oh yeah. He shit my pants, too.""" +30294,0,"Met my family Yesterday my internet was not working, so i went downstairs and sat with my parents. It was nice knowing them, they are good people :P" +30295,0,"What is the most hilarious armed conflict according to reddit users? Punic wars, I guess?" +30296,0,After thinking about how bad the average person is at math I've realized that about 75% of people are worse. +30297,0,You really shouldn't use a fly as a workbench. Otherwise you'll start making everything on the fly. +30298,1,Why is America so fat? Because these colors don't run +30299,3,What do you call a gay keyboard layout? Qweerty +30300,0,"For the next presidential campaign... ""Make America Clean Again"" would be perfect since trump is going to deport all of the Mexicans" +30301,1,Did you hear about the guy who sings to deaf people? He uses an odd lang-sign. +30302,2,"A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash. Bartender says, ""Hey, we don't serve robots."" And the robot says, ""Oh, but someday you will.""" +30303,4,Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter. +30304,0,"What did Santa say when he came to the brothel? ""Hoe, hoe, hoe.""" +30305,0,I heard Boris Johnson is an SEO expert. Sea ecosystem organization expert. +30306,2,Where do rodents get high? In Hamsterdam. +30307,4,What do you call a hippies wife? Mississippi +30308,3,"[repost] [long] Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.He asks her - why did you say that?I don't know, I just felt like saying it.The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..." +30309,0,How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away it's credit card. +30310,3,"I had a rough day, and I got home to find that someone has torn the front and back pages of my dictionary. It just went from Bad to Worse." +30311,3,What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. +30312,2,Do You know what makes my day? The Sun +30313,1,Yo mama so fat That the new iPhone requires panorama mode for facial recognition. +30314,0,did you know that victims of 9/11 were the fastest readers ever? They went through 87 stories in 15 seconds +30315,1,What do you call a bull that is always felling sleepy? A bulldozer. Edit: *feeling +30316,2,What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter because he's not coming +30317,1,The average human being eats 8 spiders Whenever I cook for them +30318,7,"A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump... He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, ""Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"" She replies, ""Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."" So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. ""That was incredible!"" he says. ""Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?"" ""It's my father. He disowned me."" ""But why!?"" ""For dressing up as a woman.""" +30319,1,"An American an Australian and a Canadian have to cross a river A magical genie appears and says "" what ever you say while you step onto the dock is what you'll float across on"". The American says ""a billion dollars"" as he steps on the dock. So he floats across on a billion dollars. The Australian says ""1000 beautiful naked women"". So he floats away on a 1000 beautiful naked women. The Canadian goes to step on the dock and slips and says ""Shit!""." +30320,1,Yesterday I cut my Adam's apple while shaving. What a mess. There was apple juice everywhere. +30321,7,My Indian GF said I could give her a facial... I nearly came on the spot! +30322,2,What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters? The Post Office +30323,1,Boyfriend asked me to put a few planks of wood together... Nailed it! +30324,3,"Yo momma defies the laws of economics She's got plenty of supply, but there's absolutely no demand" +30325,3,I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas... What can I say? I like Tibet. +30326,1,Are you having intercourse with Joseph King? Cause you gotta be fuckin Joe King! +30327,2,"My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. She said she couldn't stand my Linkin Park references anymore... but I guess in the end, it doesn't even matter." +30328,0,If you liked something you just ate... Try vomiting. You'll get to taste the food a second time while saving money on a second meal. +30329,2,"A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car... A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, ""where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!"" The man then replies, ""I know, that's why I'm driving!""" +30330,0,What collapses faster than a group of drunk friends? The Soviet Union +30331,1,What do you call a Protesting Catholic? A Lutheran! +30332,1,What's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead dog on the road? The skid marks in front of the dog. +30333,1,"Girl: I think we should just be friends Me: ya okay, but I get to be Chandler!" +30334,0,"Motherland Russia A poor man emerges from the crowd to approach Stalin. He begs, “Comrade Stalin, my family and I are starving, please help us!” Stalin replies, “Gladly, comrade. Here, take this chicken home for your family.” Upon seeing this, the surrounding folk roar, “We too are hungry! Comrade Stalin, did you not say that we are all equals in the Motherland?! We deserve food too!” Stalin hushes the crowd, and mulls over it for a long moment. At last he says, “You are right, comrades. Split the chicken.”" +30335,1,"The dishwasher One day a guy is acting kinda weird after work and his wife notices it. She asks him, ""Honey, what's wrong?"". ""Oh....nothing. Don't worry about it"" he replies, but she keeps persisting to find out what's bothering him. Finally he says, ""Ok, ok....at work today, I had this sudden urge to stick my....my dick...into the dish washer."" ""WHAT!?"" his wife said, ""That's...that's....not normal! I think you need to see a therapist or someone to talk about this."" No, no"" said the husband, ""I'll be ok. I just...it was a one time thing. It'll be fine."" A few weeks go by. One day the husband comes home from work in the middle of the day. His wife greets him at the door. He's ashen-faced and she can tell that something's very wrong. ""Honey, what's wrong?"" she asked him. ""Well....remember a few weeks ago when I told you about the dish washer?"" ""Ya,"" she replies ""...wait, NO! No you didn't!!?"" ""Yes"" he replies, ""Yes....I did. I stuck my dick in it."" ""Oh my god!"" his wife says, ""What happened!?!?"" ""....I got fired"" he sheepishly replies. ""No, no. I mean, what happened with the dish washer?"" she asked him. ""Oh. Well, he got fired too""" +30336,0,You aren't going to believe who is the most wonderful person ever... Read the first two words +30337,1,What's a BBQ pit master's least favorite massage? A dry rub. +30338,1,Businessmen enjoy their vacation at this one place Thailand +30339,0,Did you hear about the guy that got the left side of his body cut off? He’s alright. +30340,0,What body of water has the worst level of water flow? Lake Flaccid. +30341,0,A fish runs into a concrete wall. Its pronounced 'Fsh'. +30342,1,"My mates dyslexic... He read about the Area 51 raid. He entered Aera, 15. He's now on a register for life." +30343,6,"A wife takes her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, ""Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. ""Oh no,"" says Dave. ""Hes on my bowling team."" When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,""How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"" ""Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."" A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says ""Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, ""Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." +30344,0,Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.! +30345,0,How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I will tell you tomorrow. +30346,7,"Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person. I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world." +30347,2,What did the egg say to the boiling water? How do you expect me to get hard when I got laid just a moment ago. +30348,0,"[Long] A man is in need of money... A man is in need of money and also realizes that he is no longer in love with his wife. So he decides to have her killed and collect on her insurance to cover his delinquent bills. He meets with a hired killer named Arty and they decide upon $5000 to kill his wife, only, the man is broke and only has a $1 for a down payment, the rest will be collected when the insurance pays off and Arty agrees. For the next few days Arty goes about following the wife around town and decides to confront and kill her in the grocery store. As she browses the produce Arty chokes and kills the woman. The produce manager sees this and comes running to help, only Arty turns and kills him in the same manner. Before he can leave the store, Arty is captured and taken to jail. The headline in the news the next day told the story: Arty Chokes Two for a Dollar at the Grocery Store." +30349,2,I’m giving away my legless parrot for free. No perches necessary. +30350,0,"People who tend to take the most offense... People who take the most offense to the N-word (that rhymes with ""Tigger"") tend to be African-American. People who take the most offense to the F-word (that rhymes with ""maggot"") tend to be homosexual. So, logically, the people who take the most offense to the C-word tend to be absolute fucking cunts. " +30351,0,BMW cut me off in traffic Ok beemer... +30352,4,I like my Men like I like my Coffee I'm Mormon. I'm not allowed. +30353,1,What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows +30354,6,"A magician joke A magician on a cruise ship is starting his routine, in the audience is the captain and his pet parrot. During his routine, the magician pulls a quarter out of a kids ear. The bird flaps around his cage and says ""It was in his hand"" Agitated, but not discouraged, the magician continues. He makes flowers appear from nowhere. Again, the parrot announces ""Wire up the sleeve!"" The magician stops and says ""Listen here, bird, if you don't stay quiet I'm going to shoot you"" the parrot sits quietly Then towards the end of his act the magician makes his hat disappear. The parrot squawks loudly ""It's in his back pocket!"" Now furious, the magician pulls a gun out and fires once at the parrot. He misses and it ricochets all the way down to the engine room and blows up the ship. The only survivors are the parrot and the magician. Three days pass and they say nothing to each other. On the fourth day the parrot looks at the magician and says ""Ok, I give up. Where's the ship?""" +30355,3,You don't need a parachute to go sky diving You need a parachute to go sky diving twice +30356,0,Heath ledgers joker: Do you want to see a magic trick? John Wick: I know that one +30357,1,"[Long][NSFW]A duck and a horse are walking along a country road. A duck and a horse are walking down a country road. They happen to pass by a barn and notice a beautiful Porsche parked inside. After admiring it for a minute they continue down the road. Suddenly, the horse trips and falls into a deep ditch and gets stuck in some mud.   ""Help me, duck!"" said the horse.   Without hesitation, the duck ran back to the barn, found some rope, and drove the porsche back to his friend in need. He tied the rope around his neck and pulled him out of the ditch. They then carefully put the porsche and rope back into the barn.   The two friends make their way back down the country road, when, all of a sudden the duck falls into a deep hole.   ""Help me, Horse!"" said the duck. ""Go get the porsche!""   The horse just thought to himself for a second and with a confident stride, he whipped out his massive horse cock and dropped it into the hole. He grabbed the duck with his dong and pulled him out of the hole.   ""Thanks."" said the duck.   After a few awkward moments on the country road, the duck had to ask.   ""Hey Horse, why didn't you go get the porsche?""   The horse replied, ""Because when you got a cock like I do, you don't need a fuckin porsche.""" +30358,0,Hey help me get my car out of this ditch Man 1: PUSH HARDER Man 2: That's what your nan said in bed last night Man 1: That explains the microscopes then +30359,2,"Re Whoops, look like I got caught Re-posting..." +30360,3,In my free time I help blind children I usually find throwing pencils is the most efficient method +30361,5,How does every racist joke start ? :::Person about to tell joke checks surroundings to make sure coast is clear::: +30362,1,What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. +30363,2,"Grammar lesson Two people were camping in a campground. The first says, ""I think I'll go for a run."" The second replies, ""Don't you mean 'ran,' since it's past tents?""" +30364,2,"My mate's shagging twins So, my mate is shagging twins who both like it in the ass. I asked how he tells them apart? ""That's easy"", he said ""Sally's the one with the massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy balls""" +30365,1,What did the jay get a ticket for? Walking. +30366,2,"John and Jim were at the pub. John timidly ask “Jimmy,have you ever heard that joke about the submarine?” Jimmy, confused responds “No...you know what? It’s never come up”" +30367,1,The average male goldfish Forgets about sex every 7 seconds +30368,0,"I’m selling my talking parrot I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me." +30369,1,My eyesight is so good I can see the future. I have 2020 visions. +30370,3,"Two old men were sitting quietly in a bar. “When was the last time you made love to a woman?” the first man asked. “It was 1945,” replied the other. “My goodness!” exclaimed the first man. “That’s a long time ago.” “Not really,” said the other man, glancing at his watch. “It’s only twenty past eight now.”" +30371,3,"After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife? Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and exclaimed ""Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, ""That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!""" +30372,6,"This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and said, ""Is that Corona or Heineken??"" I said, ""There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out.""" +30373,2,"A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months. Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart. The wife says, “one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.” A few months later it’s thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to the bedroom. Carefully puts it all in her husbands shorts. A few minutes later she hears him scream like a little girl. 30 min later he shows up in the kitchen. Says, “well hun, you were right. But thanks to vaseline and these two fingers i got it all back in!” " +30374,1,"Tried to play a game of poker in Africa recently... Unfortunately, there were too many cheetahs. " +30375,1,What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that plays 15 musical instruments? Stump the Band +30376,0,Why couldn't the wizard have any kids? Because he had crystal balls +30377,0,Why did the transvestite postal worker get arrested? Committing male fraud +30378,4,"Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..! Ranch owner: Round them up Cowboy: Ok 20, then! " +30379,0,"French Guy: ""I'm sick of all these french jokes. I'm just gonna ignore them."" German Guy: ""I see you have surrendered to the stereotypes!""" +30380,0,What do you call two herrings on the floor? Kippers +30381,2,"I should dig a hole and name it love So I can watch people fall in love and cry at my lonely, depressing life" +30382,7,"A son goes crying to his mom.. Son: ""Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."" Mother: ""Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.""" +30383,1,"Why do Canadians make the best senseis? Because they make the most sense, eh? " +30384,0,Why is Stephen Hawking always right? Because he's a man. +30385,2,"Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages? Knights for dayz (My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)" +30386,0,Guy walks into the record store and notices the guy working is gathering up all the Michael Jackson records. So he asks the guy “hey are you getting rid of all the MJ records?” The guy working says - “No I’m defiling them.” +30387,1,"What did the horny aliens say when they invaded a planet of vegetables? ""We cum in peas!""" +30388,5,"Looking for Office help.. So they put a sign in the window, that read: HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, ""I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."" The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, ""The sign says you have to be good with a computer."" The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, ""I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job."" The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, ""Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."" The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, ""Meow."" " +30389,0,Prolly shouldn't tell people that! Knock knock... Who's there? I eat mop! I eat mop who? Ewwwww! I dont wanna know that! +30390,3,"I was mugged last night I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home. Pointing a knife at me he yelled, ""your money or your life!"" I told him I'm married so I have no money and no life We hugged and cried together....it was a beautiful moment" +30391,3,"What's the difference between a nun praying in a church, and a nun in the bath? The nun in the church has hope in her soul, the nun in the bath has soap in her hole" +30392,0,Peeing after you Masturbated is like Jesus Already came but there might be a second coming +30393,0,I used to know a guy who had five legs. His pants fitted him like a glove. +30394,0,"I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said: ""No Siri Bob""" +30395,2,Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess that snails make?! +30396,1,"A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,..... ""Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"" The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, ""Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"" The guy looks very sheepish and in a very soft whisper says to the librarian, ""I am so sorry. Now, could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?""" +30397,0,What do you call a masturbating Northerner? A Wankee +30398,0,A pirate pirate sails a ship ship... On the redundant-seas redundancies. +30399,0,What’s the difference between dances and balls? I’ve never held dances on my chin. +30400,1,I’ve decided to sell all of my dogging equipment on eBay. I’ve not had any bids yet but 6 people are watching. +30401,1,I just passed my ethics exam... Of course I cheated +30402,1,My doctor told me to avoid trans fats. I'm really gonna miss tumblr. +30403,2,"Saw somebody throwing fruit at a dog before, It felt meloncollie." +30404,2,"Sicilian saying ""When you wake up with four balls, your enemy is behind you.""" +30405,0,What todo when you have no umbrella? You don't need it! It's sun outside! +30406,2,"What did the French chef say when he was sick and tired of misplacing his olive oil? ""I'm losing my huile d'olive.""" +30407,1,My wife is always trying to pick a fight by making fun of my impotence. Well she won't get a rise out of me. +30408,6,"Spider's legs There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.' " +30409,2,"Nice guys, like the ones seen on r/niceguys, don't finish last. Actually, they finish in the shower." +30410,5,I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad. That spider didn't know what hit it. +30411,0,"A boy rides his bicycle Watch I can ride without feet! Now, watch I can ride without feet and hands! Look now, I can ride wifout teef!" +30412,1,Why can’t two male melons get married? Because guys can’t elope. +30413,7,The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head? [Removed] +30414,1,"A police officer thinks he'll make a little joke He stops the first car passing by and tells the driver: ""Congratulations! You've won 100 000€! What will you do with that money?"" Driver answers: ""Well... first thing I'd get me a driving licence."" Driver's wife interrupts from the next seat: ""Don't listen to him! He's drunk!"" Son from the backseat: ""I told you we won't get far with this stolen car!"" Then a voice comes from the trunk: ""Are we over the border yet?""" +30415,1,Nancy Pelosi just thrashed Trump over this shut-down business. But Stormy Daniels showed us that Trump likes getting spanked by a woman. +30416,1,Why didn't the woman join the mile high club? She didn't give a flying fuck. +30417,0,"I had more sex when I was single than I do as a married man Every Birthday, I used to treat myself with a Hooker." +30418,4,"My therapist committed suicide today. Hi suicide note read. ""Do as I say, not as I do.""" +30419,0,There has been a fly in my bathroom at work all day. He has really been annoying the shit out of me. +30420,8,"A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ""Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."" He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ""What would you say is my best feature?"" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ""It has to be your ears."" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ""My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"" Clearing his throat, he stammered, ""Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.""" +30421,2,What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia +30422,5,"When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been the delivery." +30423,6,"A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s President Trump clock?” asked the man. “Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”" +30424,0,What does a cam whore call her clit? The Notification Bell. +30425,3,"What did the oceans say when they met? Nothing, they just waved at eachother." +30426,1,"I love you bebe! ""No I need some time and distance"" Why? Do you want to calculate velocity!" +30427,0,What do you call three evil cats together in the same room? *A cat-astrophe* +30428,4,I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place. It turns out that shoes have soles. +30429,0,"Back when he was with us, seldom did Jesus go to the toilet But when he did, holy shit!" +30430,8,How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke? How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke? +30431,1,Just realized Deer Balls are the cheapest meat! They're under a buck! +30432,1,There are 3 things I can never remember Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm +30433,4,What do you get when you mix human DNA and a goat? Banned from the petting zoo. +30434,1,How do you call a sum of gnomes? You call them Polygnomes. +30435,1,"My mom made Rumaki as an appetizer for Valentine's Day... so I didn't just have one date, I had four. " +30436,4,"I had a stutter when I was a kid It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor. “D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter” Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your penis is so large, that it has pushed your spleen, liver, stomach, and lungs further up into your body cavity, affecting your ability to speak, leaving you with a chronic stutter. We can perform surgery to shorten your penis, thereby relieving you of your stutter” I really didn’t want to get my dick chopped, but dangit if I didn’t want to shake that stutter! So I told the doc “O-o-ok, let’s proceed w-w-with the surgery” So the doc inserted the IV and I was off to la la land. Hours later, I wake up, and my stutter is gone! My whole life I have had this nagging speech impediment, and now I am finally cured! I joined the choir at church. I joined the debate team at school. I began to lead public orations. But alas, there was still a problem... I was sad that I didn’t have any female attention. After awhile, depression set in and I realized that I wanted my old life back. So one day, after a particularly lonely day, I called my doctor and sadly told him that I wanted to reverse my surgery. After a moment, he laughed and said “F-f-fuck you”" +30437,3,What is the opposite of defeat? Da hands +30438,1,So I met this girl on Tinder We get to texting and seems that both me and her are making many spelling errors. I guess you could say she’s exactly my type. +30439,2,"Knock on the door at 2 AM A husband and wife are sound asleep, when at 2 AM there’s loud banging on the door and a man shouting “Can you give me a push please?” The husband wakes up and hears it, but buries his head under the blankets and tries to sleep again. A few minutes later, the banging continues, and the wife wakes up to hear “Can you give me a push please?” The wife turns to her husband and says “Ah go on, give the man a hand. Wouldn’t you be happy if someone helped you when your car broke down?” Reluctantly the husband gets dressed, stumbles down the stairs and walks out the door. Once outside, he can’t see the man. He shouts “where are you?” The man replies “right here, on the swing!”" +30440,0,What's sexist and not a concern for feminist? Misandry +30441,1,Imagine if a muslim woman went on the run Who the hell would be able to find her +30442,1,How can you tell that Wrestling is tougher than Rodeo? When you win at Rodeo you get a buckle but win Wrestling and they give you the whole belt! ( ಠ ͜ʖಠ) +30443,2,Sales Surge Wire hangers break the glass ceiling in sales today at ALABAMA Kmarts. +30444,0,"What do you call a really long metaphor? It’s like, a metafive" +30445,1,What’s the world’s scariest plant? BamBOO! +30446,3,"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, laying in front of a door? Matt." +30447,8,"I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?” Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”" +30448,0,What do you call it when hunters go playing in the forest? Game over. +30449,8,"I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him. " +30450,0,Only computers will get this. 101001001001100111001010110101001110110101010111001010100100100101010101100110110111000011010101010010010011001110010101101010011101101010101110010101001001001010101011001101101110000110101000110010011001010101010100110101001011001010101110010000111101010010010011001110010101101010011101101010101110010101001001001010101011001101101110000110101010100100100110011100101011010100111011010101011100101010010010010101010110011011011100001101010 +30451,0,I was trying to bake the world’s fluffiest cookie... But it didn’t rise to the occasion. +30452,1,What do you call the jacket on a semi-formal safari suit? A trailblazer. +30453,1,"His Holiness the Pope is an avid fan of crosswords, and one day he was struggling with one... ""I can't seem to get this last word to fit!"" He complained to his aide. ""Have you checked the other cross words, your Holiness?"" ""Yes, but it's only the one word, and it's a four letter word for a woman, that ends in 'unt''' ""A yes, aunt!"" Said the aide. Suddenly the Pope looks up from the puzzle and sighs ""do you have an eraser I could use?""" +30454,3,How did the cow know its children have been working out? Its calves are getting bigger +30455,2,Last night I ate 2 pieces of string cheese... This morning they came out tied together. I shit you knot. +30456,1,"The sphincter is one of the most incredible muscles in the human body 99% of the time it can differentiate between a solid, liquid, and gas. The other 1% are sublime." +30457,1,"Girl, are you an iron-bearing ore? Because when I smelt you, I got taken to a whole other level of civilization.." +30458,4,"2 Midgets go to a brothel... 2 midgets, John and Terry, go to a brothel and each get a girl for the night. John has a terrible night. No matter what the girl does for him, he just cant get it up. He sits on the bed all night, crying, all while hearing Terry through the wall yelling over and over, ""1, 2, 3, HERE I COME AGAIN!! AAAAAHHHH!"" finished off by a loud thud. In the morning, John and Terry meet up and go get some breakfast. Terry sees that something is really bothering John, so he asks John about it. John says ""It was awful. I couldnt get it up no matter what she did."" Terry says, ""You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the bed!"" ​" +30459,1,I went to my psychiatrist for burning a man who happened to be my psych. Well at least now I know his name. It was nice meeting Sigmund Fried +30460,5,How many black people does it take to start a riot? One less than before +30461,0,"A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated ""You have some explaining to do."" The husband looked her dead in the eye and said ""I'll explain this when you " +30462,1,"Did you participate in Cleopatra's AMA? It was an ""Asp Me Anything""" +30463,5,My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. +30464,2,"3 witch fugitives were cornered by police The redhead yelled ""AIR"" and a gust of wind carried her to safety. The brunette yelled ""EARTH"" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her. The blonde yelled ""FIRE"" so the police did." +30465,1,"Yet another blonde joke A blonde is driving down the interstate when she sees a police car behind her with its lights on. She pulls off to the side of the road, the officer comes over to the driver side window, and pulls his penis out. The blond looks at it and says ""not another breathalyzer!"" " +30466,1,"I wish I was your derivative, So I can lie tangent to your curves." +30467,1,"While on safari, a little boy sees a young elephant on its side, crying with a huge thorn sticking out of the bottom of its foot... Without warning, and to everyone's complete horror and surprise, the boy leaps down from the safari guide's Jeep and runs over to the miserable elephant calf. His mother can only watch in terror, as her son confidently approaches the elephant, pats its head and then gently and carefully extracts the thorn. The elephant, now much restored, gingerly gets to its feet, places its trunk on the lad's shoulder, wipes away its tears then quickly limps away in search of the rest of the herd; occasionally looking back as it goes. Flash-forward 30 years, the boy- now a man with a family of his own- is sitting ring-side, between his young children, in the big top of a travelling circus. Performing elephants parade in a large circle, trunk to tail, all the way around the ring. One of them stops suddenly, causing the others to bunch up behind it. It stares right into the crowd. Right at the man. Then it turns and heads directly towards him. With its long and powerful trunk, it reaches over the barrier and gently lifts the much-astonished man clean out of his seat, before carefully lowering him down onto the sawdust between them. It slowly raises its leg high, showing the rough skin under its foot. Then ""CLAP!!""- it stamps him completely flat. ​ ​ ​ It was a different elephant!" +30468,0,What du you call enchanted fog Mistic I am utterly sorry for this abomination of a joke. +30469,1,What do you call a deer with no eyes I have no eye deer +30470,1,My parents keep telling me I am wasting my life playing video games. Luckily I have two lives left. +30471,1,What's the difference between feminazis and Hitler? One knows their way around the oven. +30472,0,What does Thanos use to season his food? He uses the thyme stone +30473,2,What do you call it when Batman skips out on church? ...Christian Bail... +30474,3,The only thing Flat-Earthers fear... Is sphere itself. +30475,7,"What's the difference between America and Canada? The Americans have really nice neighbors. edit: wow, some Americans are really butt hurt from this joke. why so sensitive???" +30476,6,Whoever invented the knock knock joke Should get a Nobell prize. +30477,3,What do you call the security outside a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy +30478,0,What do you call the Airplane instructors in Afghanistan? Suicide Hotline. +30479,2,"I kinda feel sorry for Hitler. Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five." +30480,1,"I had an eight course Irish dinner tonight. A six pack of beer, a potato, and a glass of whiskey to finish it off." +30481,0,"Somebody told me a story of a homeless man who had to eat his dog, I guess his life was pretty Ruff" +30482,4,"Texas hunting rules A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him.  ""You can't do that!"" cried the Californian.  ""It's legal here in Texas"" replies the Texan.  Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Walmart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck, and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.  As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him. ""But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!"" protests the Californian.  ""Well, yeah,"" says the cop, ""but you can't use bait."" " +30483,0,Why is Jay Z's mistress so mad all the time? Cuz she'd rather be yoncé +30484,1,"I made a machine to help me pass history class. ""How do you use it?"" ""Just give the button APUSH""" +30485,1,"Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile." +30486,0,"Radio from an American boat: Mayday, mayday. We are sinking! Radio back from a German rescue ship: What are you sinking about?" +30487,0,Why didn't the ex-con turn down the apprenticeship with the town blacksmith? Because he worked with copper. +30488,0,"What do you call an obese black woman, who makes amazing food, has 12 children, and has sass? I dunno, you tell me." +30489,1,How long did the notch last? Notch that long +30490,0,What did Fonzie name his new baby? Ayyyyden +30491,3,"The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities... Pierre: ""I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."" Gaton ""ought to, uh?"" " +30492,1,I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. +30493,3,"Three boys are fighting at the zoo The zookeeper separates them and says: ""Alright, I want each of you to tell me his name and what he's doing here."" The first boy says: ""My name is Mitch and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."" The second boy says: ""My name is Ali and I was trying to feed peanuts to the gorillas."" The third boy says: ""My name is Peanuts.""" +30494,1,Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo' drizzle! +30495,3,"What instrument has no legs, but can still walk? A bass." +30496,4,"I'm addicted to brake fluid, But I can stop whenever I want." +30497,0,What do they call a movie producers process to determine whether they can sexually assault an actor or not? Weinstein's theory of rapeativity +30498,2,"A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge. The psychiatrist asked, ""Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"" ""It would be hard to hear"", replied the soldier. ""Good"", said the psychiatrist. ""What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"" ""I wouldn't be able to see."" ""That's interesting , why do you say that?"" ""Because my cap would fall over my eyes."" " +30499,0,A zebra prefers older photography It just likes black and white I guess. +30500,0,How do you trap a male polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When he comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole. +30501,1,Australians don't have sex... They mate +30502,2,"Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head. His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! However, the body wouldn't be ready until Eddie's 10th birthday. Extatic, Eddie's mother thanked the witch and left, returning periodically to check on the body's progress and to drop off small gifts. Eddie was raised as normally as a child without a body could be. Though he could not do any manual work with his father and brothers, he was quite adept at organizing his family's small plot of land, ensuring they always had enough surplus crop to pay their due to the local lord. Eddie loved his family and they loved him back, and the years passed fairly pleasantly. Finally, Eddie's 10th birthday arrived, and his mother retrieved the boy's new body from the witch. His mother had, of course, kept the body a secret from Eddie all these years, wanting it to be the most wonderful surprise. As she returned to the house, Eddie's mother called out, ""Eddie, guess what very special gift I've brought you for your birthday?"" Eddie replied: ""Not another fucking hat!""" +30503,2,What is Al-Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets +30504,7,"A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw... The shopkeeper picks one out and says ""this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes"". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund. ""This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down 1 tree over the space of an hour!"" The shopkeeper takes the chainsaw and turns it on only for the lumberjack to suddenly jump in surprise. ""What's that noise?""" +30505,2,Why did the chicken go to the medium? To get to the other side. +30506,5,"One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:   ""I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"" The driver agrees: ""You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.""   ""That's a great idea!"" says Einstein. ""Let's switch places then!""   So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.   But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.   The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :  ""Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.""" +30507,0,"Dad: ""Son, how do you spell HIV?"" Johnny: ""H I V"" Dad: ""Are you positive?"" Johnny: ""Yeah""" +30508,2,If someone else flew first It just wouldn't be wright +30509,1,"A man sees a sad woman with no arms or legs on the beach. He walks up to her and says ""what's wrong?"" She says ""I've never been hugged before, can I have a hug?"" The man without hesitation hugs her. Then she says ""thank you but I've never been kissed, can I get a kiss?"" The man thinks about it and agrees and kisses her. She then says ""that was great but I've never been fucked"" the man then throws her in the ocean and says ""now you're fucked.""" +30510,0,Before my wife came along I was incomplete. Now I'm done. +30511,1,"Three nuns die... Three nuns die in a horribly unfortunate communion accident, and appear together at the pearly gates. They begin to confidently stride in and St. Peter appears and holds up his hands ""One minute ladies, but due to a recent resurgence in faith, Heaven is rapidly filling up, so the Big Guy has instituted an entrance exam to control the numbers"" The nuns begin to vehemently protest ""I know, I know,"" says St Peter, ""you dedicated your lives to God, and are all unquestionably devout, but rules are rules."" He stands before the first nun and asks her ""Who was the first man on Earth?"" ""Oh, that's easy."" she repies ""Adam!"" The gates open, trumpets blare, doves fly, and the nun walks in. St Peter moves to the second nun ""Who was the first woman on earth?"" ""Oh, that's easy."" the second nun responds ""Eve!"" The gates open, trumpets blare, doves fly, and the nun walks in. St Peter turns to the final nun ""What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"" The nun thinks, and thinks, ""Wow! That's a hard one..."" The gates open, trumpets blare, doves fly..." +30512,5,What does DNA stand for? National Association of Dyslexia +30513,0,Planet to explore right now! Have your girlfriend ask you which planet you long to explore right now and answer her Uranus. +30514,2,"I finally got one over. The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.' " +30515,0,What's the oldest form of imprisonment? A cage. +30516,1,What did the Wealth of Nations say to the Communist Manifesto to cheer it up? Some day you will be red! +30517,2,"I like my women like I like my coffee Hot, Brown, and full of Cream." +30518,2,How do cremators make their money? They urn it +30519,2,"[Dark Humor] two girls playing in the park Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says: ""my dad's is this big"". The other one says: ""My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts...""" +30520,0,"What did the Annoying Orange say on Fox News? ""We're going to build a wall""" +30521,1,"Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day... Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day behind the help desk when a black guy asks where the colored printers are. I said, ""it's MLK day 2018, you can use whichever printer you want!""" +30522,2,"A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital... The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, ""I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?"" To which the mathematician replies, ""don't worry, I've got the perfect formula.""" +30523,6,Sinks can’t open doors Let that sink in +30524,4,wanna know how i got fired from my job at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. +30525,0,"On 4th of July I just like to dress like the flag, go outside, get out some TNT fireworks And aim them at the British." +30526,2,How do you steal a porch? You just take it step by step +30527,0,"A monk walks up to a ramen stand When he asks for change, the vender tells him, ""Change only comes from within.""" +30528,2,I just saw the sacrifice scene in Apocalypto It was so heartless! +30529,0,Compliments are like banana's They are only nice when they're appealing +30530,2,"Temel walks into a bar... He orders 3 beers and clinks glasses to each other before drinking them all and leaves. Next week he comes again, orders 3 beer and drinks them after doing the ritual. Bartender curiously asks why he's doing that and Temel replies; ""me and my two brothers separated last year and we made a promise to drink for each other every weekend to remember our old drinking days. "" A few monts passes, every weekend Temel comes, drinks 3 and leaves. One day Temel walks into bar and when bartender reaches to glasses Temel says ; "" only 2 beer this time."" Bartender sadly asks ; ""Which one of your brothers died? "" and temel replies; "" None of them died, I stopped drinking."" " +30531,1,"Quack a doodle doo A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She said, ""Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"" He said, ""Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."" She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He said, ""That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."" She said, ""It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh that sounds like a Master card. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and said, ""That'll be $34.50 please."" The woman is totally confused by this and asked, ""Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"" He replied, ""Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."" She paid the bill…" +30532,5,"When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo... They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit. Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the contractors, heightening the fence to 15 feet, the highest recorded kangaroo jump distance. Alas! The next day finds the kangaroo by the lion's cage, rattling the fence. Now angry, the zoo keepers put it back, and begin erecting fencing 30 feet tall. While that's happening, the giraffe leans over and asks the kangaroo: ""How long do you think this will go on for?"" ""I figure they'll give up at 50 feet and send me home, unless someone remembers to lock the door at night.""" +30533,3,I don't think condoms are 100% safe My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus! +30534,4,My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them... I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters? +30535,0,"Someone killed a cop.... Then he called 911 to tell them that they're no longer 911, they're 910." +30536,1,"On the Roof Stewart went on vacation and asked Jim to watch over his house. About a week later, Stewart calls home and asked ""How's my cat?"" Jim hesitated and sadly told Stewart his cat died. ""What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died,"" explained Stewart. Jim apologized and went about his day. About a week later, Stewart called again and asked ""How's my Granny?"" There was a long silence and then Jim replied. ""Well, she's on the roof.""" +30537,0,why did the chicken cross the road...... because he cant fly over it +30538,2,"I'm a light bulb Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, ""I can make the boss give me the day off."" The man replies, ""And how would you do that?"" The woman says, ""Just wait and see."" She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, ""What are you doing?"" The woman replies, ""I'm a light bulb."" The boss then says, ""You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."" The man starts to follow her and the boss says, ""Where are you going?"" The man says, ""I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.""" +30539,3,"So this young man was born without any ears... Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate ""so, do you notice anything strange about me?"" The candidate right away replies, ""well of course, you obviously don't have any ears!"" The manager turns red and tells the candidate angrily that this interview is over. He calls in the next candidate and can immediately feel the man staring at him. ""What?!"" he asks. The candidate says ""Uh nothing...except you don't have any ears"" The manager again ends the interview and asks the man to leave. Perturbed, he calls a 3rd candidate into his office. He starts again by asking ""do you notice anything different about me?"" The candidate says ""Well yes, I can see you wear contact lenses"" The manager calms down and says ""That is true, how were you able to tell that just by looking?"" The candidate replies ""BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKIN' EARS TO HANG YOUR GLASSES ON!""" +30540,2,"A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence The father says to the son ""Watch this."" and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son ""Your turn, son."" The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence." +30541,4,I think my wife might be dead The sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up. +30542,2,"Computer idiots (Warning: Old) Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a ""Wall Street Journal"" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command ""Press Any Key"" to ""Press Return Key"" because of the many calls asking where the ""Any"" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the ""send"" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. ""Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"" the customer replied. When told ""Egghead"" was a software store, the man said, ""Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."" 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was ""bad and an invalid"". The tech explained that the computer's ""bad command"" and ""invalid"" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, ""I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."" The ""foot pedal"" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked ""What power switch?"" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: ""Hello, is this Tech Support?"" Tech: ""Yes, it is. How may I help you?"" Caller: ""The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"" Tech: ""I'm sorry, but did you say a ""cup holder""?"" Caller: ""Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."" Tech: ""Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"" Caller: ""It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."" At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into ""Drive A"" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in." +30543,0,What do you call the study of meteors? Weatherology +30544,0,"1: I woke up. 2: I beat FNaF 4/20. 3: I met PewDiePie. Actually, the story goes by 2, 3, 1." +30545,1,What do a Priest and a Silver Medalist Have in Common? They both come in a little behind. +30546,1,Why was Jesus born in a manger? There was no womb in the inn. Happy holidays! +30547,2,"A man goes to a Chinese restaurant After the meal he open his fortune cookie. Inside it reads: ""Your charm and wit make admirers of many."" Although flattered, the man feels disappointed because he was expecting his fortune told. He pulls the waiter aside and asks for another fortune cookie. Inside it reads: ""Your determination is becoming of a fabulous leader"" Angrier now, the man demands a real fortune. The waiter apologies and explains that they're all like that. The man leaps up and yells, ""Fine! I hope you all enjoy the nasty review I'll leave for this place. What's it called again?"" The waiter replies, ""Pander Express""" +30548,5,"What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together? A buttwhole. I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up. I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before." +30549,0,"Grand Inquisitor Torquemada ordered all his men to line up in full dress uniform. As he is reviewing his men he notices that Bishop Diego is not present. Upon finding the Bishop he demands, ""Why were you not present as ordered?"" The Bishop responded that, ""No one inspects the Spanish Inquisition!""" +30550,5,Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath? Quickly add your laundry. +30551,4,TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long Whoops wrong sub Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/ +30552,0,I got a mugged by hookers once It was whoreifying +30553,2,I thought my publication about fish living on land would be a big hit Too bad it was just a flop +30554,0,"Q.How do you catch a squirrel? A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut. Q.How do you catch a squirrel? A. Climb into a tree and act like a nut. ----------------------------------- Boy – Would you like to dance? Girl – Yes! Boy – So I can take this chair? --------------------------------------- Y r u so opposite to me? When i say tea,u say coffee! I say white,u say black! I went to dental hospital,u went to mental hospital! I came back and u still there! ---------------------------------- True Love is like a pillow. U could HUG it when Ur in trouble. U could CRY on it when Ur in pain. U could EMBRACE it when Ur happy. Want True Love? Spend Rs.50 buy a Pillow. ------------------------------------------------- Dog & Mosquito were in Love .. mosquito kissed the dog .. Dog became emotional…gave Love bite to mosquito . Mosquito died of Rabies & Dog died of Dengue . MORAL:- LOVE is DANGEROUS " +30555,4,"Little Joe was at the farm, when he saw a dead chicken. It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven. Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying. ""What's the matter?"" Asked dad, concerned. Little Joey cries ""Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!""" +30556,0,"Why did Donald Trump win? Easy, he had the most votes in the- oh, wait" +30557,1,If you can't do the time Try with oregano instead +30558,1,Advices? Hey guys so since couple of weeks I think that my girlfriend is cheating on me. So last night I followed her. She took a cab I took my car and followed her till the cab stopped in front of one nice house. I went beside my car and crouched. She went out and there was this sport dressed bastard which hugged her and they started to kiss... While crouching I saw oil leaking from my car. Do you think this is coming from the filter or from the engine? Thanks +30559,1,The man who coined the term 'void'... ...is called a genius for nothing. +30560,2,"I recently took up blindfolded archery I'm liking it a lot. If you haven't tried, give it a go. You don't know what you're missing." +30561,3,"Some women love playing hard to get. Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police..." +30562,1,Happy Middle Child Day! It was yesterday..... ...yesterday is always Middle Child Day. +30563,1,"If there is 1.6 km in a mile... ...does that mean there are 1.6 kilopebbles in a milestone? (Thank you, I'll let myself out now)" +30564,0,"What is the difference between being hungry and horny? What she means by ""eat out.""" +30565,2,"What are some funny physics jokes? A farmer noticed that his chickens were sick, and called in a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help diagnose the problem. The biologist observed the chickens, concluding, ""I can tell you there's something wrong with your chickens, but I don't know what's causing it."" The chemist took fluid samples from the chickens back to his lab, and returned saying, ""I can tell you what's infecting your chickens, but I don't know how they got it."" Meanwhile, the physicist had been sitting on the floor, scribbling madly on several notebooks worth of paper. Suddenly, he jumped up, exclaiming, ""I have the answer, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.""" +30566,1,Why did the sperm cross the road today? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks. +30567,0,How do you get out of the Internet? You find the Exitnet! +30568,1,What do you get when you cross a mule with an onion? A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye. +30569,0,To where does M. C. Escher tie down his boat? A paradox - My Dad +30570,0,"Two boys are out camping... [Long] [Religion] Two boys are out camping - one is Jewish, and the other is a Czech. In the dark of night, a bear attacked their tent. They dashed through the woods in an attempt to flee, but they couldn't escape before the bear ate the Czech boy. The Jewish boy kept on running, until​ he found the park ranger who asked, ""What's wrong?"" ""My Czech friend and I were out camping when we were attacked by a bear,"" he explained. The ranger says ""there are only two bears in this forest. If I can track them down, will you know which one ate your friend?"" ""Yes, I'll know - I'll never forget the look of the bear that ate him"" So the ranger set off, and after some time he has found the two bears. ""Alright then. There's a male bear, and a female bear here... Which one ate your friend?"" The Jewish boy says, ""That one - the male bear. It was definitely the male bear."" The ranger proceeds to shoot the bear, but his friend isn't inside. I guess you should never trust a Jew when they say the Czech is in the mail. EDIT: Are -> Ate (x2)" +30571,4,"A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven. When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, ""What is going on here?"" The strange man replies, ""Everyone here is doing their best to better their souls."" Even more confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, ""My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma.""" +30572,0,I'm not anti Semitic I'm anti semantic I can't stand a wordy Jew +30573,1,Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months +30574,1,Why did the superhero flush the toilet? It was his duty!!!! told to me by my 7yo son +30575,1,When I realised I had lost my favourite spanner... It was a real wrench. +30576,0,"The Japanese have two words for dog One is as a pet, the other is as a meal" +30577,0,What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? He grows taller +30578,0,"Once upon a time, a young redneck fellow was getting ready to venture to the big city... Now this fellow was a virgin, so his buddies around town sure did like to tease him about it and have fun with him. He was curious about different things regarding ladies, so buddies would mess around -- tellin' him a few truths, a few more half-truths, and a **whole** lotta lies! When they found out he was goin' to the big old city, they wanted to have some sport with him one last time. ""Now you watch out for the ladies out in th' city!"" one of his buddies said. ""They're not like our girls! They gotta whole 'other mouth, right down in thar panties!"" Our naive fellow laughed it off and thought ""Naw, there ain't no way!"" But he wanted to be **sure**... When he got home, he saw his big brother workin' on the tractor, so he went up and asked him, ""Brother tell me, is it true city ladies got a whole other mouth down in their underclothes?"" Now this guy liked to pick on his younger brother, so he decided to mess with him, too. ""Why, they most certainly do! As sure as an outhouse stinks!"" The young redneck fellow was a bit more worried now, so he went to ask his daddy. He found him sitting on the front porch in his rockin' chair, a Mason jar of moonshine in his hand, and asked him. His daddy was too drunk, so he just said ""Well, son, I reckon they indeed do!"" Finally, the redneck decided to ask the one person who'd definitely know, so he found his mama. She was in the kitchen, fryin' up some chicken. ""Mama,"" the redneck asked. ""Is it true them city gals got a whole 'other mouth down in their drawers?"" His mama knew the Good Book says to tell the truth, but she also didn't want her youngest boy getting mixed up with any wanton hussy! So she told him, ""Why yes they do!"" she said. ""So don't you go lettin' them bring you in between their sheets before yore rightly wed before God. When you get into proper holy matrimony, the Good Lord will take that 'other mouth away!"" If the redneck was gonna believe anyone, it'd sure be his mama, so he took her words and everyone else's to heart! A couple month's later, he was exploring the big old city and accidentally wandered into one of those fancy-pants city pubs. The poor country fellow didn't recognize many of the types of booze, and he just wondered if they had anything like the moonshine his daddy would drink. Though just a simple boy, he was also kinda handsome, and he had some muscle from all his farm work. A pretty girl noticed him from across the pub and walked up to introduce herself. She helped him find something to drink; the pub didn't have any moonshine, but he was quite satisfied with a nice Kentucky bourbon. In fact, it was even better than that old moonshine, and he figured he get his daddy a bottle for a present before he visited back home. Eventually, they left, and she took the redneck on a walk that ended back at her place. He didn't really understand what it meant to go upstairs, so he just followed her on up -- just like visiting the neighbors on a Sunday afternoon once church got done. That also meant he didn't even know what the pretty city gal wanted him to do. Finally, she just started to take some of her own stuff off, so nature itself could run its course. First, she took off her shirt and he liked what he saw. He'd never seen a lady's bosoms up close in person before, but he knew womenfolk had them. ""They feed babies just like a cow's udders!"" his mama always told him. When the woman took off her bra, he was quite happy. ""Well, dang, I guess the Lord in his wisdom just knew ladies should have those!"" But when she took her skirt off and got down to her panties, he started to get nervous because he remembered everything he heard about that ""other mouth"". Her hands went for her panties, and he told her, ""Now, don't you worry! You don't hafta take off your unmentionables or anything like that!"" She just smiled cause she knew she was gonna change his whole life -- and also get some good stuff for herself. She wondered if country boys were bigger in bed... But when her panties came off, he saw her in full and nearly had a right conniption fit! The poor, freaked-out redneck fellow started to rant and rave. ""*They were* **right!**"" he exclaimed, while pointing down at her lady stuff. ""*Gracious, my merciful heavens, my buddies and family were all tellin' me th' Lord's honest truth! You city gals really* **DO** *got a whole 'other mouth down there in yer knickers!*"" And he then got another, clearer look at her business...to which he proclaimed: **""Oh, and holy Jesus, THAT one's even got a MUSTACHE!""**" +30579,0,"Lenin Joke Vladimir Lenin arrives to make a speech. People are chanting: - Lennon, Lennon! - No, I am not John Lennon, I am Vladimir Lenin, leader of the Bolsheviks! - Lennon, Lennon! - No, look, there is a mistake, I am not actually in the Beatles - Lennon, Lennon! - Fine, fuck it. (sings) Yesterday ...... " +30580,3,Why do gay men have good fashion sense? Because of all the time they spent in the closet +30581,0,What do you call a Chinese millionaire? Cha-Ching. +30582,2,Isn't asking a doctor for a second opinion normal? I can't understand why my doctor got upset after my prostate exam when I asked him to try again with a second finger. +30583,0,"Damn CPS, trying to tell us how to punish our children. Gone are the days that you could make little timmy smoke meth. I mean, how will these kids learn that their consequences have actions." +30584,1,"Paddy and Mick go camping... Paddy and Mick decide to go camping. They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods. After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?” “No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.” They move deeper into the woods, and after another five hours, Paddy asks again, “This is a nice spot. Shall we set up camp?” Mick shakes his head. “Nah, just a little further.” They travel deeper into the woods. After another four hours, and with the sky darkening above them, Paddy asks, “Shall we set up camp and bed down here for the night?” Mick, tired now, agrees. The men pitch their tents and build a strong fire. Paddy, hungry after the long walk, reaches into his bag and withdraws a tin of beans. He reaches back into his bag and notices something odd... “Oh shit,” Paddy says. “You forgot to bring the tin opener!” Mick sighs. “Head back home and fetch it,” says Paddy. “Otherwise we’ll starve out here.” “You must be kidding! I’m not fetching it,” says Mick. “It’s a bloody long way back, and while I’m gone, YOU’LL EAT MY SANDWICHES!” “Nonsense!” Paddy shouts. “You’re much faster than me. If you run, you’ll be back before morning!” Mick eyes Paddy, his voice hardens, “Don’t you dare touch my sandwiches.” Mick drops his rucksack and slopes off, threading between the trees. Paddy sits in the quiet forest, his back against a tree. He waits. Eight hours pass by. There is no sign of Mick. Paddy’s stomach growls with hunger. He eyes Mick’s rucksack containing the sandwiches, but Paddy decides against it. A full day passes by. Paddy is starving now, light-headed and growing weak. Still, Paddy does not touch Mick’s sandwiches. Two days pass by. Paddy is famished, his stomach turning itself in knots, begging for food. Paddy is worried for Mick’s safety. Is he lost? Fallen and injured? Eaten by a bear? Paddy sidelines his darkening thoughts and hunger. He doesn’t touch Mick’s sandwiches. A full week passes by. Paddy is near death. He has lost 25lbs, and is slumped weakly against the tree, barely able to move. Paddy is resigned to the idea that Mick will not be returning, likely dead. On the brink of starvation, Paddy reaches over with a weak, trembling hand and grabs Mick’s rucksack. He slips his skeletal hand inside and slowly reveals Mick’s sandwiches. Paddy unwraps the sandwiches, takes one and brings it to his mouth, when -- Mick jumps from behind a large rock, furious. “I knew you’d touch my sandwiches! I’M DEFINITELY NOT GOING!”" +30585,2,Remember that time that the cow jumped over the moon? That was a high steaks situation. +30586,4,My calculator stopped working and I don't know why... It just doesn't add up. +30587,3,"Two admins meet at work ""A friend of mine was able to shut down the main server just in 5 minutes!"" ""Wow. He is a hacker?"" ""No. Just an idiot."" " +30588,7,"My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, ""60 Watts - Made in China.""" +30589,1,"Puns plz Someone throw shit out there for me to make puns with. A topic, or whatever, and I'll do my best. Anyone else can join in too. " +30590,5,I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds Only 30 more to go and I'm there! +30591,0,"Smart lady On a flight, a guy trying to flirt, asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him... 'Nice perfume. Which one is it? I will gift it to gift it to my future wife.' Lady : 'Suggest don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her.!' " +30592,4,"I like my books like I like my women Thin, interesting and good in bed." +30593,7,"So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. Apparently, ""I do."" is not the correct answer." +30594,0,“I was into kitty porn a while ago...” “It pissed off the cats a lot” -Doug Stanhope +30595,1,They said we need to take part in World Book Day at school So I’m dressing up as the Invisible Boy +30596,4,The difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler. Usain Bolt managed to finish a race while Hitler couldn't. +30597,5,My pen can write underwater and many other words as well. +30598,0,"A poor man was invited to see a cowboy movie... The next day, he asks to his friend ""You want to see a cowboy movie?"" She responds ""Yeah sure. You saw it already anyway so it's whatever."" They're watching the movie, and the cowboy is going through the desert, in his horse. ​ Then he asks her ""Hey, i bet 1000$ that the man is going to stand in front of a saloon door, in the middle of the city, and walk away."" She says ""What the hell? You saw this already, of course it's going to be this way. You saw that already."" ​ He keeps bugging her, until she goes. ""Fine..."" So in the movie, the cowboy stands in front of the saloon door, in the middle of the city... and enters, getting in a bar fight in the process, and getting his ass kicked. The poor man says ""Huh. I thought that after such a bad beat up he wouldn't have entered the saloon again...""" +30599,1,"[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in. Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day? Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I tried to take a drink, it all rolled down my face and soaked my shirt. I didn't do it again for a while after that. Son: What the fuck Dad, you told me that you only tried it once? Father: Not exactly. I said ""I tried it once"". That statement was true at the time and remains to be, son. Son: How do you explain that Dad? Father: Well son, when you take a drug for the first time, it's fair to say you are ""trying it"". When you take a drug for the second, fifth or twelfth time, it's fair to say you ain't ""trying it"" no more!" +30600,4,"A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat. The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car. ""I'm taking them to the zoo"" the man replies. ""Yeah that sounds like a good idea"" says the employee. The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat. ""I thought you were taking them to the zoo."" the employee says. ""I did!"" says the man, ""Today I'm taking them to see a movie.""" +30601,1,What's the temperate inside of a ton-ton? What's the temperature inside of a ton-ton? Lukewarm. +30602,0,Whats a pirates favourite letter??? Youd think itd be rrrrr but tis the sea. +30603,0,"My teenage son wanted to get a race car. He took our honda civic, put a spoiler and a loud muffler on it and took it to the track. When he crashed it, the car went up in flames! Before we had a car and now all we have is a riced, crispy. :)" +30604,2,You shouldnt play with electricity guys You might get grounded. +30605,0,"Lasers are cool Lasers are cool. It is coherent light. All the other light is just plain crazy. It is insane light. Bouncing around everywhere, messing with me when I am hungover. It can't decide where it needs to go and what it needs to do. Dude, there is a solar panel over there, go do that, I can't believe I have to tell you that. " +30606,3,"A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar. While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts ""did you see what monkey did?"" ""No, what did he do?"" the man asks. ""He swallowed my billiard ball!"" says thr bartender. ""I'm not surprised at all. This jackass eats everything he sees"" so he pays for drinks and everything the monkey ate. Two weeks later, the same man comes to the bar again. While he's sipping his drink, the monkey starts to jump there and there. He finds a green plum in the bar. He stucks it into his ass, then takes it out and eats it. The bartender who saw it shouts ""hey! Did you see what monkey did?"" ""No, what did he do?"" asks the man. ""He stucks a plum into his ass, then takes it out and eats it."" says the bartender. The man says ""he's still eating everything he sees, but he's been measuring everything after he swallowed the billiard ball. """ +30607,5,Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home. Dick: That's what i call love. Tom: The doctor called it paralysis. +30608,0,I am half white But my other half is also white +30609,1,"I try to make good food, but it all turns to shit." +30610,0,"Sir, was this house build on an Indian burial ground? The real estate agent sighed in disappointment. ""How many times do I have to tell you, in India, we cremate our dead and if we can't put them in the Ganges, we find another river."" " +30611,0,"What's long, rigid, purple and makes women scream all night long? Cot death" +30612,0,My relationship is like an iPhone X: I don have an iPhone X. +30613,0,"I know this one pregnant chick who masturbates constantly. It's cool, though. . .she's masturbating for two now." +30614,0,I used to have a steering wheel in my pants But it was driving me nuts +30615,1,"[Long] A man gets a call that his wife has been in a horrible accident... When he arrives at the hospital, the doctor meets him at the nurses station. The doctor says ""well sir, I have some good news, and I have some bad news"". The man was very distraught and couldn't think clearly, so he told the doctor ""doctor, I can't decide, you pick"". The Dr. nodded and motioned for the man to sit down. The doctor then said ""Sir I'm afraid your wife will never be able to speak again..."" The man nods, and lets out a deep sigh. He then says ""ok doctor... now, what's the bad news?""" +30616,0,"A pirate captain and his mates take a trip to Las Vegas As they approach the city, the Captain yells ""Thaarr she blows!"" A woman yells from the distance ""No, my shift doesn't start for another hour!""" +30617,5,"Big John A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender. The owner of the bar says to the man, ""You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."" The man says he can handle himself, he's seen a lot, and in the big city he had to be tough. The owner continues to warn the man, ""There's also a shooting about once per week..."" Again the City slicker assures the bar owner that he can handle himself and he's still interested in the job. The owner agrees to put the man on and starts giving some instructions. ""This here bartop is solid oak and has been here for about a hundred years. It's practically indestructible and has withstood all the barfights, shootings and stabbings. When things get rough - and they *will get rough*, I just want you to hunker down behind the bar, stay safe and don't worry about any messes, I'll take care of everything."" The man agrees and is excited about getting started. Then the owner remembers one last thing. ""One more thing, "", he says, "" if you ever hear someone say 'Big John is coming', you just get out of town as fast as you can, don't stick around, don't waste any time, just get out and get out fast!"" That seemed a little over cautious to the man but he agreed. So weeks and months go by with the man doing a great job mixing drinks, talking to people and staying safe through all the shootings and stabbings. He's got his routine down pat. Then one night he hears someone yell, ""Big John's coming!"". The man stops and thinks, trying to remember what he was supposed to do, and by the time he looks up, the bar is cleared out, nobody in sight. The man goes to leave the bar, but he sees a **Gigantic** man heading right toward the bar. The man is shirtless and muscular, riding a mountain lion and swinging a rattlesnake above his head. Terrified, the man runs back into the bar and hunkers down behind the oak bar. In bursts the big man, knocking the saloon doors off their hinges. Gigantic booming footsteps shake the floor as he approaches the bar. He peers over the bar and shouts at the bartender, ""WHISKEY!"" Shaking, the bartender finds a bottle of whiskey and nervously pours a shot for the big man. The big man drinks the shot and slams the glass back down on the oak bar, and a crack starts to form in the bar. ""THE BOTTLE!!"" shouts the big man, and the bartender hands it to him timidly."" The big man snatches the bottle, bites the neck off of it and swallows the glass, then drinks the entire bottle down and when he slammed the bottle on the bar it splinters into a million pieces leaving the bartender exposed. He looks up at the big man and manages to stutter out, ""C-Can I get you an- anything else...sir?"" The big man replied, ""NO! I gotta get outta town. Big John's coming!""" +30618,4,"Why we don't do reverse cowgirl in Alabama. Down here in Alabama we don't ever do ""Reverse Cowgirl"". Because we never turn our back on family!" +30619,0,"Next year I will race in the Iditarod. Next year, I will race in the Iditarod. I'm relatively excited about this opportunity, though I have to be honest, I hate the cold. To combat this issue, I have decided to develop a virtual Iditarod racing technology. This technology will allow me to command my dogs and drive my sled, while in the comfort of my own home thousands of miles away from Alaska. Due to the size of my device however, and the feelings of my wife on my new toy, I had to build a room onto my house specifically for my virtual Iditarod racing. I call it, my ""Mush Room"". " +30620,2,"Bill Gates in a car A software engineer, a hardware designer and Bill Gates are driving in car on the freeway. Suddenly the car breaks down, the engines stops. The software engineer says: “I think that car ran out if gas. Let’s walk to the nearest gas station and get some gas, put it in the car and then it will start again.” The hardware designer says: “I think the muffler broke off, let’s fix it and then we can go on. “ Bill Gates says: “I’m not sure what the problem is but let’s close all the windows, and then try restarting.” " +30621,0,We're going to need to re-elect Obama once Trump is done... to go on an apology tour. +30622,0,One benefit to being in the KKK is their great dentle plan- - it keeps them white. +30623,0,When I was a baby my mama used to pay someone to push me around in a buggy. and I have been pushed for money ever since. +30624,10,"The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge." +30625,1,"An Amish family went to the mall. (The Amish don't usually go to the mall, but go with me.) This family consisted of two parents and a son. The father and the son went by themselves to explore, leaving the mother to do whatever it was that she was doing. The two men encountered an elevator. This was the first time either of them had ever seen such a contraption, so they stood by and watched to find out what it could do. This old lady, probably in her eighties or so, that they'd never met, walked past them into the elevator, pushed a button, and stood in the machine quietly. The doors closed, and the two men watched earnestly as the numbers on top of the doors slowly increased. The numbers froze for a minute or two, then they slowly decreased. They watched as the doors opened, revealing a young girl in her twenties, more beautiful than anyone either of them had ever seen in their lives. She walked out and past the two men, wondering why they were staring. The father says to his son, ""Quick, go get your mother.""" +30626,0,When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head It was tough living in the gateau +30627,0,Did you hear the guy that walked into a post? So I did. +30628,2,"A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about sexual harassment in the work place. A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about sexual harassment in the work place. After the presentation she asked, ""Has anyone got any questions?"" I put my hand up and asked, ""What colour knickers have you got on?""" +30629,0,On this Thanksgiving animal activists remember that that turkey didn't kill itself And neither did Epstein +30630,3,"A recent study shows that 1 in every 10 men are gay. As a guy I find this really scary, that means that 1 of the last 10 dudes I slept with is gay." +30631,2,What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy? Oedipus Rex +30632,0,"What's the worst thing one redditor can say to another redditor? ""What's your username?""" +30633,2,What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex? One makes yoir day? The other makes your hole weak... +30634,1,"A Redneck Came Home and Found His House on Fire A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, ""Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"" ""OK,"" replied the fireman, ""how do we get there?"" ""Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?""" +30635,0,Why did the female Gabonese Arachnologist cry after her husband died? She became a black widow. +30636,2,"A long time ago, an Indian chief fell into an outhouse. An Indian chief fell into an outhouse. Several days later a man went into the outhouse and noticed the chief. Startled the man asked, ""How long have you been in there?"" ""Many moons my son, many moons!"" And that was my favorite joke as a kid. " +30637,0,"I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day. When she said ""put the dog outside, then stick it in my ass"" Poor Snoopy hasn't been the same since." +30638,0,Have you ever tried to break a diamond? It's really hard. +30639,1,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""No, she means 666-3629.""" +30640,0,Whats the difference between the people of Alabama and the rest of the US? People in Alabama don't want to fuck their sister but do and the rest want to fuck her but dont +30641,1,Why were religions originally created? prŏfʹit +30642,1,How to stop thanos from snapping his fingers forever? You cut one of his thumbs. He'll do the other one for you +30643,0,My friend told me a shaggy dog joke about Jonestown By the five minute mark I was dying for the punchline. +30644,1,They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide. Who's laughing now? +30645,2,When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia.... It was like music to my arse. +30646,1,I was getting a little carsick... I was always taught to find a fixed point far away and look at that. Apparently the Sun isnt a great option. +30647,2,"Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d rather like to give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” On monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked about the weekend? “Well, your honor, I persuaded 16 people to give up drugs forever.” “Sixteen people? That’s wonderful what did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge, “and you, how did you do?” he said to the other person. “Well, you honor, I persuaded 167 people to give up drugs forever.” “167 people! That amazing! How did you mange to do that?” said the judge.” “Well, I used a similar approach,” he says, while drawing to circles. He points to the smaller on and says,”This is you ass-hole before prison.”" +30648,0,"Llama Llama Llama I recently visited a llama ranch and got to meet some of the llamas. I asked the rancher if he named his llamas? Sure, he said. So I asked what’s this llama’s name? Dolly he said. When we met another llama, I asked what is this llama’s name? Dolly he said. Hmmmm I thought to myself. I then asked what was the name of another llama. Again, he said Dolly. I then asked if all his llamas were named Dolly? Of course he said, they are all Dolly llamas!" +30649,0,"Saint Patrick goes to see a doctor with a snake on his head... The snake says to the doctor ""well, it started out as a pimple on me arse.""" +30650,1,What do you call Jack Sparrow after he falls off The Black Pearl and sinks down to the sea bed? Johnny Deep. +30651,5,I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers But then I quit cold turkey +30652,0,I was home sick yesterday on the day my research paper was due So I had to transmit the documents through my printer and I got an F because my sources were cut off. I was told I need to get my fax straight +30653,2,What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. +30654,8,"One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ""Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."" Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."" Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: ""Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.""" +30655,1,Why did the fat kid drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by a bus +30656,0,"One extremely important thing to remember when learning geometry Its a right triangle, not a WRONG triangle -courtesy of my math teacher" +30657,0,How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap up his Whopper. +30658,0,One Thing to Know About Danish Cops They Can't Lego Of Their Donuts +30659,0,Me arguing with my dad Me: I hate you motherfucker My dad: That’s the name don’t wear it out *The argument has left the chat* +30660,2,NSFW : What does the mafia and vagina have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. +30661,0,"Little Johnny's grandma Little Johnny's grandma calls him over, hands him a 10 dollar bill and whispers ""don't tell your mother about this"" he replies ""it's gonna cost you a lot more than this to keep my mouth shut"" " +30662,0,Where did the homosexual Indian get his car fixed? The Gay-Raj! +30663,1,"The 3 f's do not belong on pizza. Fish, fruit and fungus." +30664,0,"A woman is hanging out with a friend when her husband calls. He says ""Honey, I bought you your favorite flowers! I'll be home in an hour"". She turns to her friend and says ""Great, he got me flowers. Now I'll have to spread my legs and put them behind my head tonight"". Her friend turns back and says ""Why don't you just use a vase?""" +30665,0,What is the best part about having sex with twenty eight year-olds? There are twenty of them. +30666,1,"A Roman Pirate Captain asks tells their crew to ""Find me the answer to i plus i"" The crew responds with ""ii, captain""" +30667,1,"Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! ""Captain, captain, what do we do?"" asked the first mate. ""First mate,"" said the captain, ""go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."" The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! ""Captain, captain, what should we do?"" ""First mate, bring me my red shirt!"" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. ""It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."" A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! ""Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, ""First mate.... bring me my brown pants!""" +30668,2,"Einstein, Newton and Darwin are having a small argument. Newton, a bit annoyed, says ""Guys, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation"". Einstein replies, ""I think I do relatively understand it."" On which Darwin says, ""Please don't let this evolve into a big fight, aight?""" +30669,3,Why did Lady Gaga throw the lettuce out Cuz it was a bad romaine +30670,6,"An idiot has a mirror in his closet. He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”" +30671,0,Wanna know how I tell my sister is on her period? My Dad's dick tastes like blood. +30672,0,Obama's gay lover dies Fidel Castro dead at 90 +30673,2,"A tomato family is walking down the road... when baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, ""Ketchup!""" +30674,0,"Bill Gates' Honeymoon After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft." +30675,7,"And for my next trick, I will dissapear Fuck you pear, you taste like shit" +30676,1,"I went to the gym last week and noticed a hole... I went to the gym last week and noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Anyway, she made a formal complaint and I'm banned for life." +30677,2,"Man was arrested after going from pharmacy to pharmacy stealing Viagra pills A man went from pharmacy to pharmacy stealing only Viagra pills. Eventually the cops were able to track him down and had him cornered and were ready to arrest him. Panicking, the perp swallowed all of the pills in an attempt to get rid of them. He's now doing 10-15 years hard time." +30678,0,Apparently euthanasia is not a country I died laughing when I found out what it actually meant +30679,4,"How a husband describe his wife? Wife: ""How would you describe me?"" Husband: ""ABCDEFGHIJK."" Wife: ""What does that mean?"" Husband: ""Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."" Wife: ""Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"" Husband: ""I'm just kidding!""" +30680,2,How do you know if a snake is mad? It throws a hissy fit. +30681,5,"A Group of Nuns A group of nuns suddenly die and find themselves standing in front of St. Peter in Heaven. St. Peter says to the first nun, ""I will let you in but tell me, have you ever touched a penis in your life?"" The nun says, ""Well there was this one time I touched one with my pinky finger but that was only once."" St. Peter says, ""Fine, dip your pinky in the holy water and you can go through. To the second nun, he asks the same question, to which she responds, ""Yes there was this one time I felt one with my hand but that was only once."" St. Peter replies, ""That's fine, wash your hand in the holy water and you can go through."" There is then a shuffling in the back of the line as one of the nuns tries to cut in front of the others. Noticing this, St. Peter stops the nun and says, ""There is no rush, this is heaven. Why are you trying to get ahead?"" To St. Peter, she says, ""Yes I know, but I want to be able to gargle the water before Sister Agnus puts her ass in it""." +30682,1,Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars? The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy. +30683,3,I like my steak like i like my sex Rare. +30684,4,"Caught Speeding Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too." +30685,0,For Sale: One live cat. It is also dead. Do not open the box. Contact E. Schrodinger via photons passing through a double slit. +30686,0,I asked a trekkie to be my boyfriend He said 'make it SO' +30687,0,WikiLeaks Oh no...We just lost the satellite feed. +30688,2,As a child I always thought of my dad as a superhero The invisible man +30689,5,"A Gorilla is sitting in a tree... ...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla has already finished and is running through the jungle now. The gorilla knows he can't outrun the lion and he is gaining fast. Just then the gorilla hears the clanking of dishes and human voices. He turns and runs into the camp and everyone runs and the sight of this 600 lb Silverback Gorilla. The gorilla goes into an empty tent and picks up a already lit cigar shoves it in his mouth, throws on a jungle helmet and hurriedly sits down and picks up the discarded newspaper. Just then the lion busts through the tent flaps and looks around and asks ""Excuse me sir, have you seen a gorilla come through here?"" Without lowering the paper or showing his face, the gorilla in a very convincing English accent replies "" Is this the same gorilla that fucked the lion in the ass?"" The lion taken aback, grabs his own face and shrieks ""IT'S ALREADY IN THE PAPERS?!?""" +30690,1,"What is the difference between ""finish"" and ""complete"" When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED." +30691,3,What do you call a slum in Italy? A spaghetto! +30692,5,"The Pastor's Ass The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day." +30693,1,"Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, “Let the one without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly. Jesus, pissed off, said, “Mom! Not cool! I was trying to make a point!”" +30694,2,"A blonde walks into a bank A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, ""Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"" The blonde replies, ""Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"" Finally... a smart blonde joke." +30695,0,I have an uncle who is asexual and b) gay +30696,2,What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? With thanks to my 9 year old A Barbecue. +30697,3,"I like my women like I like my coffee. Cheap, imported, and slightly bitter. " +30698,2,You know it's cold in Minnesota when.... Everyone goes to ice arena to warm up. +30699,3,"I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality. ""Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad.""" +30700,1,I like my radiators like I like my women. Hot and constantly turned on. +30701,4,The flying spaghetti monster never died... He pastaway. +30702,0,What did Beethoven do when he died? He decomposed! +30703,0,"What do bananas have in common with old people? They both bruise easily. And when you peel the skin back, you realize sometimes the bruising goes beyond the surface. " +30704,3,Why do prison guards use Proactive all the time? So they can prevent breakouts. +30705,2,"Holy Shit! The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it. This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my evening should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work. So I'm standing by my back door ""barking"" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the ""getting started"" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face. I began coughing, which only caused the effing collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco. I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane effer across the yard and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so dang hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, ""I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it."" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch. Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that: 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off. 2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!" +30706,0,"A Mexican and an Israeli couple have a falling out and break up ""I'm sorry Moshe, it's not me, it's jew""" +30707,1,"I went to the pet shop to buy a goldfish the other day... The shop owner asked me if I wanted an aquarium, I told him I didn't care what star sign it was." +30708,1,What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? A Philippe-flop. +30709,0,"What pets smells the best? Dogs, they're noses can detect scents from miles away!" +30710,1,Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games? His poker decks. +30711,1,How does a mexican cut his pizza? With his little ceasers. +30712,0,"INT - DR.’S WAITING ROOM Patient: “Hi you called my name.” Nurse: “Are you Laurel?” Patient: “Ah nope, Yanny.” Nurse: “Well that’s weird.” Patient: “Actually it happens all the time!” Nurse: “No, I mean Yanny is a weird name.” Patient: “Yeah Laurel is a weird name I guess, kinda old-school.” Nurse: “I said Yanny.” Patient: “I...know?” Nurse: “Ah, it says here the patient is getting ear surgery. Must be you!” Patient: “Haha ok well fingers crossed. I mean I’d hate to end up with another surgery that was meant for a Laurel. That’s how I got this problem in the first place!” " +30713,1,The key to a good joke... ... is not made out of metal. +30714,3,"I was going to make a pun about birth control, but it's a serious subject. I'm not kidding." +30715,1,What's the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger. +30716,0,"Lemme tell you a dad joke: Why was the baby ant confused? 'Cuz.,.......,............... ,........................ ................. ......... Because all his uncles were ants!" +30717,0,Why couldn’t the man leave the sperm bank? NSFW He couldn’t figure out if he was coming or going. +30718,0,A bar walks into a man. Wait... That's not right. +30719,3,"Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says. In 6 months." +30720,0,"Your Pregnant! A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”" +30721,3,What's the difference between a man with a vasectomy and a eunuch? There's actually not a vas deferens. +30722,0,"When it comes to constipation... Do or do not, there is still no poop." +30723,2,Why did Santa's elves spend a week living with 50 Cent? So they could improve their wrapping skills! +30724,2,"My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview. I asked him, “You seem well qualified. Why didn’t you get the postman’s job?” “I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing ‘stamp collections’ as my hobby.”" +30725,0,"Donald Trump's international advisor recommends that he should research Mexican history and culture to fix their relationship as a nation. He reluctantly agrees. Many days pass and out of the blue, Trump releases a 70 percent tariff on all egg and egg products exports to Mexico. Trump is approached by his International advisor Advisor: ""come on man, we're trying to fix your relationship with them! And now this? What brought this on?"" Trump: ""Now you listen to me. They literally have a holiday called Cinco DE mayo. If that's what their doing with our mayo, why should I bother with egg exports!""" +30726,1,A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition... He just couldn't face the music. +30727,3,Do you not get really annoyed when people answer their own questions? I do. +30728,2,"NSFW Two pickets to Tittsburgh Two guys are sitting next to each other on the airplane, each has a black eye. One looks at the other and says ""what are the odds? What happened to your eye?"" The other guy replies ""it was a bit of a Freudian slip. The woman helping me at the ticket counter had the biggest tits I'd ever seen. Instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked if I could have two pickets to Tittsburgh and she punched me right the eye. What happened to you?"" The first guy replies ""mine too was a bit of a Freudian slip. Instead of asking my wife to pass the milk at breakfast this morning, I said ""YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!""" +30729,2,How do Alabama people like their butter? Inbred +30730,3,What did the executioner do when then prisoner tried to give him a high five. Left him hanging +30731,2,I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars I have a Boba fettish +30732,2,What is it called when you reposition your car after failing to park between the lines the first time? Autocorrect +30733,0,"Jeffery Dahmer had his mother for dinner one night. The conversation turned sour when she said... ""I don't like your friends."" ""That's okay."" Said Jeffery. ""Just eat your vegetables.""" +30734,1,"What is... A mathematician’s favorite song? “Sines” (Sine, sine, everywhere a sine! Don’t do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sine?) What about a baker? “Sweet Emulsion” Okay. Now a chemist? “Can I Get a Litmus?” Lastly, a genealogist? “Rock of Ages” " +30735,1,What do you call a seal with net electrical charge? A sea lion +30736,0,Lawyers are safe company to have for girls. They will be concerned about Your Honour more than their own. +30737,2,"What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable? Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward." +30738,0,"Donald Trump (NSFW) Or, unabbreviated: Donald Trump (Not Safe For World)" +30739,1,Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song? Because it's not Finnish. +30740,2,"A man is getting into the shower A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, their neighbour, Jimmy, is standing there. Before she can say anything, Jimmy says ""I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."" After thinking about it for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Jimmy. After a few moments, Jimmy hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps her towel back, and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks ""Who was that?"" ""Jimmy"" replied the wife. ""Great!"" said the husband, ""Did he mention the $800 he owes me?"" edit: a word and a symbol" +30741,1,"Mary One-lip searched her whole life for her one-lipped prince, until she found a handsome florist. But she could not marry him... ... For he had tulips." +30742,0,Why did the girl give Jesus a blowjob? She wanted to see the messiah cum +30743,2,"A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”" +30744,2,What did Einstein tell people when they asked him how he figured out E=mc^2 ? It was just light math. +30745,2,How does Sherlock Holmes use the bathroom? By process of elimination. +30746,0,"There are 10 types of people on this world... Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who expected this joke to be on binary." +30747,0,What did one Hellen Keller say to the other Hellen Keller? We're two Hellen Kellers. +30748,1,I went to a concert for deaf people They were singing like no one was listening +30749,2,What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full +30750,0,I was talking to my Chinese friend and he said every citizen of China is glad to be part of the country I then said “Do you want TiBet?” +30751,4,"Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals. The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.” ​ The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”" +30752,0,what do you do when your wife turns 40 exchange her for 2 20s +30753,5,"A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?" +30754,0,There has been a new owl spotted in England... It's called the teat. +30755,1,I once finished 2 marathons in 2 minutes. then they changed the name to Snickers.. +30756,1,So my science teacher began her astronomy unit with star formation She gave a stellar explanation. +30757,1,"My mum's all time favourite A bear really had to take a shit in the woods a few minutes later a rabbit ran by, the bear stopped to talk to him and he asked the rabbit ""does shit stick to your fur"" the rabbit replied ""no"" so he wiped his ass with the rabbit" +30758,2,Why did pilots decide to unionize? They couldn’t pass up this golden airport unity! =D +30759,1,"A Russian, American and Blonde were in a bar... The Russian started a conversation: Russian: You know, we were the first in outer space American: Oh yeah, we landed on the moon Blonde: You know what, we'll land on the Sun Russian (Confused): But it's too hot American: Yeah, you'll burn before you know what happened Blonde: I know right? THAT'S WHY I'M GOING AT NIGHT!" +30760,7,Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club Thank you all for coming. +30761,1,Why are gay guys such good travelers? Because they are used to getting their shit packed. +30762,10,"A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?” “After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. ""She's left-handed!"" ​ Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore" +30763,3,"A man's logic A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, ""Well I carried this child for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."" The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, ""OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to.....me or the machine""" +30764,4,Why was the 1 Year old african boy crying? He was having a midlife crisis +30765,1,What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philop +30766,1,What will be on the Denny's Menu when ISIS takes over? The Grand I-slam +30767,4,"My grandad always used to say: ""you need to be upfront with everybody"" Great bloke, shit goalkeeper " +30768,0,"Indian Manager An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, ""Me want coffee"". The waiter says, ""Sure chief, coming right up"". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, ""Me want coffee"". The waiter says ""Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"" The Indian smiles and proudly says, ""Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."" " +30769,1,My wife says I’m always repeating myself. My wife says I’m always repeating myself +30770,1,"They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, but who has time for that? That's the whole joke... sorry... Have a haiku? Life is but a joke Behind everybody's face Skulls smile agreement Edit: Fixed the ""smile"" issue and slight phrasing :) " +30771,0,Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Because they want to hivernate +30772,0,"A mad scientist is showing off his newest invetion to his henchman ""Behold! This wrist-mounted device shows me my exact location and speed within the fourth dimension!"" ""Looks kinda like a wristwatch to me Boss.""" +30773,0,My favourite joke at the moment. +30774,2,The wife caught me cross dressing. So I packed up all her clothes and left. +30775,0,Why do stadiums get heated up after a game? Because all the fans leave. +30776,0,Why wasn't Jesus born in America? They couldn't find any wise men nor a virgin! +30777,2,"Moses Meets Dubya George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, ""I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"" Moses replied, ""The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"" " +30778,0,"So I have this job at a nursing home... ...and I'm sitting with a patient. She keeps going on and on about how my generation relies on technology too much. It's getting really annoying, and finally I say, ""No, *your* generation relies on technology too much."" Then I unplugged her life support." +30779,0,"Why did the creator of the US National Parks have only one total in the states of Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana and Michigan? He must have hated flat-chested women." +30780,2,It took my wife six hours to push out our first child. The fat bastard can live elsewhere now. +30781,7,"A Gorgeous Young Redhead Goes into the Doctor’s Office... She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor took off his glasses and said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you? “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.” " +30782,1,Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet. +30783,1,"A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. ""In 1942,"" he says, ""the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, "" he continues, ""one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."" At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, ""I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"" ""That's true,"" says the pilot, ""but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.""" +30784,1,Monopoly is so unrealistic Rich people are getting taxed +30785,1,"I have sex daily Sorry, I mean I have dyslexia" +30786,9,"A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, ""I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."" The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, ""Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.""" +30787,2,How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida? When the color of the license plates start to change. +30788,2,"A man goes to the movie theater He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, ""Who's this?"" His friend proudly replies, ""It's my lover!"" The man then said, ""Not you, I'm asking my wife.""" +30789,0,HE IS YOUR FATHER(SOFTWARE ENGINEER) Child : Mummy Mummy there is Someone who daily coming at our home at mid night... Mummy : OH Thank GOD you saw him he is your Father and He is a Software Engineer... hahah +30790,0,A bought a new laptop today and browsed reddit for a full hour before installing Chrome. What can I say? I was feeling Edgy. +30791,1,I was in the midst of telling dad jokes when.. he had a heart attack and died. +30792,0,What movie best describes the Trump Administration? Alien vs. Predator. +30793,0,"Michael Jackson and George Clooney are on a plane The plane begins to plummet towards the ground. George Clooney turns to Michael Jackson and says ""hurry! we need to get off this plane!"" Michael Jackson replies, ""but..what about the kids?!"" George Clooney says ""FUCK THE KIDS!"" In response, Michael smiles and asks, ""Do we have time?""" +30794,4,Why aren't there any WalMarts in Afghanistan? There's a Target on every corner. +30795,3,"A man learned that every time he reposted a joke on Reddit, he gained a year to live. He was already immortal." +30796,1,Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet? Because she thought it was Diet Coke. +30797,4,"A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse. The new agent asks his supervisor, ""Wow, is that really the First family?"" The supervisor, unfazed, replies, “No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."" " +30798,1,"A blonde prostitute calls the police to report that she'd been raped... ""When did it happen?"" the cop asks. ""Five days ago,"" the blonde says. ""Five days!"" the cop says. ""Why did you wait so long to call us!?"" ""Well, I didn't know it was rape until the check bounced!""" +30799,5,What is it called when a kid refuses to sleep during nap time? Resisting a rest. +30800,4,I like my sex like I like my tree forts No girls allowed +30801,4,What does a mathematicion find in a forest? A natural log. +30802,1,What did the cannibal do to his girlfriend? He dumped her. +30803,0,"What will a guard of Area 51 do if he watches Blackpink's music video on his watch? He will alert the area when he hears ""BLACKPINK IN YOUR AREA!!!""" +30804,1,"[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm... Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey. When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, "" did something happen at school today?"" ""Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against my turkey language teacher..."" ""What happened?"" ""Well, I asked the teacher what I needed to do to get an A in his class. And he responded..."" ""Gobble, my cock!""" +30805,1,"Size matters What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A $100 bill!" +30806,2,What do you call a black astronaut? An astronaut you racist! +30807,1,You can’t buy love But you can rent it at an hourly rate. +30808,1,Why did the Snickerdoodle go to the psychiatric hospital? Because it was a little cookie. +30809,2,Why was the unvaccinated kid crying? Because he was fucking dying +30810,5,"Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms .... So they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, ""I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, ""That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"" " +30811,0,Don't ever trust constipated people They're full of shit.. +30812,0,"An Irishmen enters a bar... An Irishmen enters a tavern and sits down at a table in the corner. The bartender goes over and asks what he'd like to drink. The Irishmen asks for three glasses of Guinness. The bartender, pondering the request, fulfills the order. He serves the Irishmen his drinks and watches as the night progresses and the Irishmen drinks the drinks. In the middle of the third glass, the bartender goes to the Irishmen's table and says to him, ""Sir, you know you could have ordered the drinks separately and then they wouldn't have gone flat as the night went on."" The Irishmen responds, ""I have two brothers for whom live in Australia and America. When they moved away, we made the agreement that whenever we went out for drinks, we'd have a drink for the other two."" The bartender respects the Irishmen's choice and leaves him peace. He became a regular, coming in week after week, siting down at the table in the corner, ordering his three glasses of Guinness, and then leaving after he drank them. People grew to recognize him as time went by. One day, he came in, sat down and ordered two drinks. The tavern goes quiet as the bartender delivers to two drinks to the table. Before he leaves, the bartender says to the Irishmen, ""I'm sorry for your loss."" With a bizarre look on his face, the Irishmen questions what he is talking about. ""I noticed you order two drinks instead of the usual three. I figured on of your brothers has passed on,"" the bartender says. Bursting into laughter, the Irishmen responds, ""No! Haha! All my brothers are fine, I've just given up drinking.""" +30813,2,"The one-armed golfer A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, ""What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."" He thought, ""There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."" So he hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The guy asked, ""Why are you so happy anyway?"" He said, ""I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.""" +30814,8,"A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line. Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams ""Tornado!"" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams ""Tsunami,"" fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells ""FIRE!"" " +30815,4,If I had a dollar for every gender that exists... I'd have two real dollars and the rest would be counterfeit +30816,2,Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special? Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus. +30817,3,Mom: I called “daddy” on your phone Daughter: and? Mom: your father picked up. You fucking virgin. +30818,1,"How many bronze players (LoL) does it take to fix a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder. This might be a repost, I'm not sure. ¯\\\\_(ツ)_/¯" +30819,4,"You da bomb. ""No, you da bomb"" America: compliments Syria: arguments" +30820,0,I took acid and now I'm smelling a lot of greens and oranges... And bananas and everything in my fridge smells fucking amazing! +30821,1,"TIL that energy drinks are more effective... when you smoke them, and they're crack." +30822,1,"A Physical at the Doctor A man is at the Dr. getting a physical and she tells him to take off his pants to examine him. Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your knees!? Patient: Kneasles. Dr: Don't you mean measles? Patient: No it's kneasles, disease of the knees. Dr: ummm ok, well take off your socks so I can examine your feet. Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your toes!? Patient: Geez, it's Tolio ok? Dr: Don't you mean Polio? Patient: No it's Tolio, disease of the toes. Dr: ummm ok, well take off your underwear so I can ensure you do not have a hernia. Dr: Let me guess... Smallcocks!" +30823,5,"Harry was blind... ... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read." +30824,4,My wife says I don’t listen to what she is saying ...or something like that ! +30825,0,Halloween ... The agoraphobic paedophiles favourite day of the year. +30826,1,Why do girls... Hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even! +30827,2,"Stock markets!!! Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. Now the man further announced that he would buy monkeys for $ 200. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to work on their farms. Next the mysterious man increased his offer to $ 250 for each money, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! Now the man now announced that he was going to negotiate a large order for monkeys and that we was willing to buy monkeys for $ 500 each! However as he had to go to the city for the business, his assistant would now buy monkeys on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; ""Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $ 350 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell the same to him for $ 500 each. ""The villagers got all their savings, borrowed money from friends and relatives and bought all the monkeys they could. Thereafter, then they never saw the mysterious man or his assistant, only monkeys were everywhere! That’s stock market!!! " +30828,0,"5 years ago, In Canada. ""Gentlemen we need to increase Canada's population your suggestions please.""" +30829,0,What do you call a robot that throws books out a window? A litterary device +30830,0,What do you call a man who steals the voiceboxes from frogs? A ribbit robber! +30831,0,"Dave Grohl lost his shit. If the Foo shits, where it?" +30832,1,Want a costume that doesn't show too much skin this Halloween? Dress up as a skeleton. +30833,3,"A captain is on a boat with his first mate. The first mate says ""Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!"" and the captain says, ""bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed."" They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says ""Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!"" and again the captain says, ""bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed."" And again they survive the battle. A year later the ship mate comes to the captain once more and says ""SIR! THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"" and the captain calmly says ""Bring me my brown pants..." +30834,0,I like my women like I like my cheese... Old and Stinky! +30835,4,Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone. I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer +30836,2,"Jim and a little girl are playing. Jim pulls down his shorts and says, ""I have one of these and you dont."" The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Jim and the girl are playing together again. Once again Jim points to his private parts and says, ""I have one of these and you dont."" But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. ""How come you're not crying today,"" asks Jim. ""My mother told me,"" says the little girl, pulling up her dress,""that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want.""" +30837,0,Want to see semen between tits? Advertisements. +30838,2,"A patient collapses minutes after visiting the doctor Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?' Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'" +30839,0,A spam bot walks into a bar A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ... A spam bot walks into a bar ................ +30840,1,"A BLT walks into a bar Bartender says, sorry, we don’t serve food here. Q" +30841,0,Why is Santa so creepy? He's always stocking you. +30842,3,"So I was at this little pub in Great Britain..... I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked ""Are you two ladies from Scotland""?, to which the heftier one replied ""It's Wales you idiot""! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied ""Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland""?" +30843,0,We are proud to announce that the new Samsung Galaxy phone will... Have the highest version number ever! +30844,1,"TIL that if you thank or reward someone for something before they do it, they feel obliged to do it thanks for the gold, stranger!" +30845,1,Can a ninja throw any pointy object with lethal accuracy ? Shuriken +30846,2,"The Red Cross knocked on the door... of an elderly Bostonian, and asked if he could contribute towards the floods in Missouri. He replied he'd love to, but his garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway." +30847,4,"I asked my dad, “Can you give me examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?” He said, “Steve.”" +30848,0,"Dad joke 101 What’s the difference between “1 h” and “h”? There is no difference, they are both 1 h! (Got a few smirks and groans when I said this one)" +30849,4,"So, a woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, ""Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."" The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it, ""Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex."" The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks, ""So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"" The girl replies, ""Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan.""" +30850,0,"A Japanese man walks into a gun store... He asks the cashier, ""Do you have any Rugers?"" ""Of course we do,"" says the cashier, and he dashes back into the stockroom. 5 minutes later he returns with one of each gun on Ruger's entire product line. Rifles, shotguns, pistols, all brand-new, still coated in grease from the factory. ""Which one would you like to try?"" the cashier asks. The Japanese man looks over the row of 30 guns placed in front of him. After a moment, he turns back to the cashier and says, ""None of them."" ""None?"" the cashier asks incredulously. ""Sir, this is every type of gun Ruger makes! Why would you ask to see the Rugers if you weren't interested in any of them?"" The Japanese man calmly replies, ""Obviousry you're not famiriar with antique German weaponry of the Weimar era. Very werru, I wirru rook for a Ruger somewhere eresu!""" +30851,2,What do you call a Jamaican squid? Cala Marley. ~~credit to whoever it was at Nintendo who originally came up with this pun for a Splatoon musician's name~~ +30852,0,"A rabbi, a horse, and a parrot walk into a bar The bartender asks, ""What is this, some kind of joke?""" +30853,1,I really dislike Russian dolls They're so full of themselves +30854,1,"My boss said he smacked his wife in the face with a parsnip. My girlfriend said, ""That's fucking disgusting."" I said, ""Yea, I was always more of a carrot man.""" +30855,0,"I’ve never really understood silent letters... The T in Margot, The U in biscuit, The P in the Bath. " +30856,0,"A doctor and his friend are in a bar They are discussing their day. The doctor takes a sip and begins: -""I shouldn't have mislead my client today..."" He takes another sip and continues: -""My patients have trust in me, I shouldn't let them down..."" He takes yer another sip, thinks for a while and finishes: -""I shouldn't had have sexual intercourse with my patient today..."" He finishes his drink, followed by a long awkward silence between him and his friend, who had been sitting quietly this whole time. The friend drinks his entire drink, thinks for a while and says: -""Look, you have been my best friend my whole life, I would always support you and will always take your side. What concerns me in this situation is not the fact that you had sex with your client... It's the fact that you are a vet...""" +30857,3,"Girl is walking along a beach. She sees a man with no arms and no legs chilling by the water. As she passes him, he begins to cry. She walks over to him. ""What's wrong"", she asks. He replies, ""I'm 24, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."" She considers it, bends down, gives him a hug and starts to walk away. As she begins, the man starts crying again. She turns around and says, ""What is it now?"" ""I'm 24, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."" Slightly annoyed, she bends down, kisses the man on the cheek, and starts to walk off again. She makes it ten feet before the man starts crying again. She walks back to him, sighs, and asks ""What now?"" ""I'm 24, got no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked."" She considers for a second, picks the man up, and throws him in the ocean. ""Well"", she says. ""You're fucked now."" " +30858,1,"Son comes home from school at around 7pm. Son comes home from school at around 7pm. As he walks through the door his Dad questions him. ""Where have you been?"" ""I was with Jessica"" He replied. ""And what were you doing?"" ""We were studying"" The boy replies right before walking over to the table and picking up a snack and taking a bite. ""Wow, these fishcakes are great!"" he smiled. After laughing a little, his Dad replies ""Go and wash your hands, son, they're doughnuts""." +30859,2,"Which part of your body shuts down last when you die? The eyes, cause they di-late." +30860,1,What do you call it when you make someone say prayers all the time just because they’re Catholic? A Confirmation bias +30861,1,Why was the hooker upset? He gave her just the tip. +30862,4,What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their biggest hit was The Wall. +30863,0,Why are most demolitions experts happy? They get the best blow jobs in town. +30864,0,"A son comes home very late one night His father was waiting for him downstairs and asks him why he came home so late. The son says silently, scared of the reaction he's gonna get, that he had sex for the first time in his life. Much to his surprise his father doesn't get mad and is actually proud of his son and tells him to grab a beer and come sit with him. The son answers, ""I would love a beer, but sitting hurts to much right now.""" +30865,2,"A Vietnamese American woman, Christine Nguyen, wanted to preserve her surname. Christine Nguyen, wanted to keep her surname after marriage, so she resolved to not take on the surname of the man she married, or change her name to a double barrel name that included her family's name. ​ Luckily, the man she ended up marrying was also Vietnamese American too, who just happened to have the same surname: Nguyen. ​ It was a win-win situation." +30866,2,Just a talk with my friend We were having a discussion after he had a fight with his girlfriend and then he came up with this. ‘my girlfriend and my sister have the same name its so annoying.... everytime we have sex i think about my girlfriend’ +30867,0,"This girl said ""she didn't know how I would take it..."" So I figured if anything I'd just give it back." +30868,3,My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see commercials Because they're locked in a cage +30869,1,I went to the local library And found out that the post apocalyptic section has been shifted to current affairs after the us elections 2016 +30870,0,"Cantaloupe Classic! -Knock knock. Who's there? -Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe who? -I cantaloupe with you, I'm already married! And since this is Dubai, I'll be punished with a vicious lashing! In fact, my friend (who's actually a watermelon) got gang-raped the other day and got arrested and charged with extra-marital sex!" +30871,0,Father With Son joke Son: I am not able to go to school today. Father: what happened? Son: I am not feeling well Father: Where you are not feeling well? Son: In school! - +30872,1,"A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready. He sees her using a hair straightener. He asks: ""Why do you use that"" \\- ""It makes my hair look longer"" ​ Later the next day, at the hospital Dr: ""Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis." +30873,1,"There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people, And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion" +30874,3,I went to the boomerang store the other day They had a great return policy +30875,0,An obese ladyboy was denied service at McDonalds. They don't serve trans-fats. +30876,3,"What does KFC and a woman have in common? Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in." +30877,3,"Can't argue with that Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other "" Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida" +30878,2,"I go to get some therapy The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?” I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”" +30879,2,"Pokémon Go Yesterday evening my little brother came home all sad and angry. I asked him what happened and apparently a group of kids was mad at him because he beat their gym at the park nearby. “Don’t you dare to come here ever again or we’ll beat you down!” they threatened. I took my phone and went to the park… they immediately came near me all surprised “Wow, you’re all grown up and still play Pokémon! What’s your team??” “Team Rocket” I said. I beat them down and stole their phones. Selling a Samsung S4, two S5 mini and an iPhone 6. Pm me if interested" +30880,0,"A kid comes home to his dad asking, ""Can I join the kkk?"" ""What?"" asked the dad. ""You know the Kool Kids Klub!""" +30881,3,"An old man was on his deathbed at home. Suddenly, the aroma of his favorite cookies baking in the oven wafted up to him. My wife, still a doll! With all his might he pulled himself out of bed and walked shakily down the stairs. Wavering down the hallway and into the kitchen, he sees the first batch cooling on the counter. He slowly reaches for one when the spatula crashes across his hand. ""Keep your hands off. They're for the funeral!""" +30882,1,"Dad asks son if he likes going to school Son:Ｉlove going to school and I love going home after school, I just don't like what's inbetween" +30883,2,"Hey now, gay jokes arent funny... ...cum on guys." +30884,1,"Last night was horrible, my wife suddenly died so I had to whack off to a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Edit (spelling): wifi " +30885,0,"[NSFW] Useless things Q: What are the most useless items ever invented? A: Condoms. If you need one, she's too old." +30886,1,I thought I'd cross-post here... Grrrrrr. Angry. +30887,4,What do you call a hen looking at lettuce? Chicken sees her salad +30888,0,"My buddy got fired from the road department He was accused of stealing traffic signals. When the cops went to his house, all the signs were there. " +30889,5,Never die a virgin… … When you get to Heaven they will make you have sex with a suicide bomber. +30890,1,I had this thought that I could increment by one any time I wanted to enumerate something... It's the thought that counts. +30891,0,"After the events of Hurricane Irma, The Virgin Islands will be changing its name They will be called The Islands" +30892,5,How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Patty +30893,3,A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her? A basic bitch +30894,2,What did Aquaman say to Mera when she got new shoes Water those +30895,1,"In response to /u/WisestAirBender, ""Backwards"" is also a palindrome. ""Backwards"" spelled backwards is ""Sdrawkcab"", which is still backwards." +30896,1,"Reporter: Mr. President, will you be pardoning Turkey today? President: Is Saudi okay?" +30897,3,What does an Indian who refuses to leave say? Namaste. +30898,1,"When 2 vegetarians have an argument... Is it considered *beef*, or is it considered *Quorn*?" +30899,0,"What happens on 1015... Someone's getting arrested. (Credit to my husband, who is a cop and is a dad.)" +30900,1,What did the US say when it was sad? “I’m in Missouri.” +30901,0,Why are psychics so sure about their premonitions of next year? Because their vision is 2020. +30902,2,Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet? Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet? Me: Sure +30903,2,"Why are they callers""seat warmers"" in your car? Because “rear defroster” was already taken." +30904,3,Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits +30905,1,"There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon.. and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella. ​ The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick." +30906,1,My wife divorced me because of my erroneous Math jokes.... I loved her a lot. She was the only Sin 0° for me :( +30907,0,I’ve got a rare condition where I always get hungry around 11am... It’s a recess-ive gene. +30908,2,"Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face. Must be a coin-cidence." +30909,1,"My friend was out of toilet paper, and the only thing I could find to wipe myself with was a newspaper. As I grabbed it, I realized it had already been used. That was shitty news." +30910,1,"Can I smell your pussy? A man is riding the elevator to the top floor of his building. At floor three, the door opens and a woman gets on. The two stand there in silence for a few floors as the woman checks her phone. Suddenly, the man turns to her and speaks. ""Can I smell your pussy?"" he asks. ""NO!"", she replies indignantly. ""Well,"" he says, ""it must be your feet then.""" +30911,5,"A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”" +30912,0,One lesbian to another: Where did you learn licking like that? - Down under +30913,2,I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves... Irish. +30914,0,What did the proton say to the electron? Fuck you bitch! Why do you always have something negative to say?? +30915,2,What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches +30916,3,Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight There would be mass confusion +30917,0,"Mr. Jones' Wife Mr. Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for a treatment. ""This is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor,"" he said. ""Maybe you could do something for her? She goes for any man and I get very jealous"" ""We'll see,"" the doctor said. He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining room, close the door behind him, and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed on top of her and began to screw her. Mr. Jones suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the examination room. Unable to control himself, he pushed the door open, to be confronted by the sight of the doctorate use his wife and banging away. ""Doctor what are you doing!?"" he asked. The flustered doctor replied ""Oh, it's you Mr. Jones? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"" Mr. Jones opened his switchblade knife and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately. ""Doc,"" he said, ""When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"" " +30918,3,"What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? He said ""robin get in the car""" +30919,1,What does a farmer have to do before he gets married? A tractor first +30920,0,What do you call a rock with legs? Dwayne Johnson +30921,1,So I'm playing the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game Every time someone goes to the bathroom take 2 shots. +30922,0,Which part of an insect is the best? The bee’s knees. +30923,2,The police Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts +30924,1,"Amish Family A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother.'" +30925,1,"I got my history and book reports confused. No wonder why teachers wanted to know why it was titiled ""King leopold II: Destroyer of 3rd world""" +30926,0,What's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls. They're under a buck. +30927,2,I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing. Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts... +30928,0,What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. +30929,1,I never really liked the word syllable. It's seems pretty full of itself. +30930,0,My friend recently died from AIDS that he contracted from his partner At least he died doing what he loved. +30931,0,Why does bugs bunny read the newspaper every morning? To keep up with carrot affairs. +30932,4,"A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, ""Is it a boy or a girl?"" The logiciam says, ""Yes.""" +30933,1,"Coffee asked ""Why do I always get coal in my stocking."" Santa: Because your on the Not Tea list. " +30934,1,"three feet My blonde neighbor came over in tears. What's wrong, I asked her.she told me her nephew had developed a deformity . Excuse me? I asked. she then tearfully cried that her sister had just written to tell her that the boy had grown another foot." +30935,2,"Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'" +30936,1,Why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach? He didn't want people to see his tan lines. +30937,2,What's the most musical SUV truck? A hummer. +30938,4,"A man walks into a bar with a small turtle in his hand. The turtle has one black eye, two of its legs are twisted horrifically and it's shell is duct taped together. The bartender, about to tie his German Shepard to the counter, asks the man, ""Is your turtle OK?,"" ""Better than that,"" the man responds, ""This turtle is incredibly fast. In fact, go over to the other side of the bar and on the count of three call over that dog of yours. I bet $50 that my turtle can reach that side of the bar before your dog can."" Believing this is an easy $50, and that the man was mad, he accepts and walk to wall of the bar opposite to where his dog, the turtle and the man were. On the count of three, the bartender calls over his dog. But suddenly, the man picks up his turtle, and throws it across the room, barely missing the bartender and smashing into the wall. The man walks over to the horrified bartender and gleefully says, ""Fifty bucks, please."" " +30939,0,"Anyone wanna hang out and engage in fun activities with the end goal of an amicable relationship which mutually benefits both parties practically, socially, and emotionally? Asking for a friend..." +30940,1,How to lose your girlfriend/wife in 2 steps Step 1- start an argument Step 2- provide a logical explanation of why you started it. +30941,4,"A man goes to a gun store. A man in a small town goes to a gun store to buy a new scope for his rifle. The store is located atop a hill that is only a short distance from his home. The clerk starts his sale pitch. Clerk: ""This is the best scope we sell. You'll be able to hit any target up to a mile away."" Man: ""That's spectacular! My house is located at the bottom of this hill. Do you mind if a use the scope to look at it before I make my purchase?"" Clerk: ""Fine by me. I know you'll love it."" The man attaches the scope to his rifle and looks down at his house. What he sees infuriates him. His wife is running around naked with another man. Man: ""That bitch!"" The man hands the rifle to the clerk and tells him to look. The clerk sees the two naked people and shakes his head. Clerk: ""That's unfortunate sir"" Man: ""Tell me about it!"" The man hands the clerk two bullets for his rifle. Clerk: ""What's this?"" Man: ""I promise to buy that scope for three times the price if you can shoot my wife in the head and that man in the dick."" The clerk looks back through the scope and smirks. He hands a bullet back to the man and says: ""I'll only need one.""" +30942,3,"An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session. She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels. When she finds them they give her an initiation test. ""You ever killed a man?"" They ask. ""Yep"" she says. ""Killed my husband."" ""You ever steal anything?"" They ask. ""Oh all the time."" She replies. ""You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"" ""Sure have, and strung up by my nipples""." +30943,0,Asking for dog pics and nudes will get you the same thing A naked bitch +30944,1,"I wasn't sure how I felt about having a beard But now that I think about it, it has really grown on me." +30945,3,"What is one thing you can say about a car but not your girlfriend. It died a week ago, but I still use the parts" +30946,1,What is Donald Trumps favourite type of maths? Division. +30947,0,My friend is wondering if climbing a tree or a tall ladder is more dangerous... I'm betting on the ladder. +30948,2,What’s the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One is a Goodyear and one is a great year +30949,0,What did the Scot say after shaggy his sheep? I love ewe! +30950,2,I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance. +30951,1,"Gangster vists a lawyer A gangster sets up a meeting with a lawyer. The gangster asks the lawyer, ""How can I get away with murder?"" The lawyer replies, ""I don't know"". The gangster asks the lawyer, ""How can I get away with armed robbery?"" The lawyer replies, ""I don't know"". The gangster asks the lawyer, ""How can I get away with drug trafficking?"" The lawyer replies, ""I don't know"". The annoyed gangster says to the lawyer, "" Well what the hell do you know? "" The lawyer looks down at his watch and smiles, and then says"" That your bill will be $2,000""." +30952,2,Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased loads +30953,0,"A HUSBAND'S REALIZATION ComedyCentral CC HOME SHOWS FULL EPISODES SCHEDULE STAND-UP NOT FOR TV SHOW NEWS APP SIGN IN FACEBOOK TWITTER TUMBLR GOOGLE JOKES M MENU HOME CATEGORIES SUBMIT A JOKE STAND-UP ALL CATEGORIES MEN/WOMEN A HUSBAND'S REALIZATION A HUSBAND'S REALIZATION PreviousNext A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day. One day he told her, ""You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?"" ""What is it, dear?"" she asked. He responded, ""I think you bring me bad luck.""" +30954,0,The three biggest lies in life 1. Black isn’t beautiful 2. Checks in the mail 3. I won’t cum in your mouth +30955,0,Did you know dolphins die after they have sex? The one I fucked did. +30956,1,Did you know that America holds the record for the worlds largest cup of tea? Its about the size of the Boston harbor. +30957,1,"Why was the policeman sent to talk to a bunch of crows? Because someone said there was a ""murder"". " +30958,6,"Sportscar *Hello, I'm new to Reddit. I'm not sure if dirty jokes are allowed, I have read the rules though (I didn't see anything specific on dirty jokes), if not, sorry. Here goes:* *Edit: I say my first post on Reddit didn't do so bad! Actually it's much better than I expected! Thanks guys :D* A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend, she was thrilled at the speed. ""If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?"" he asked. ""Yes!"" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. ""Go and get help!"" he cried. ""But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"" ""Take my shoe"", he said, ""and cover yourself."" Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, ""Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, ""There's nothing I can do...he's in too far.""" +30959,0,"What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player? One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week" +30960,2,"Guy dies and goes to hell He's greeted by the devil at intake and begins his orientation program. Satan tells him that there are three different programs he's eligible for and he can choose the one in which he'll spend eternity. He's brought to area #1, where everyone is naked and the temperature is freezing. The guy says, ""I can't stand the cold, can I see something else?"". Satan says, ""no problem"" and brings him to area #2, where everyone is draped in furs they can't remove and the temperature is over 100 degrees. The guy says, ""the only thing I like less than being cold all the time is being too hot"" so the devil says, "" no problem, almost everyone chooses area #3 anyway"". So they head over to area #3 where the guy is surprised to see everyone standing around drinking coffee and talking. The temperature isn't hot or cold, but just right. The only strange thing he sees is that everyone's standing waist high in shit. The guy reasons, ""the temperature is perfect, and I love coffee. After a while, I bet I won't even notice the smell of shit. I'm gonna go with #3, Satan"". The devil says, ""good choice, enjoy your stay"" then turns around and screams, ""Alright assholes, coffee break's over, on your heads!""." +30961,4,"3 Foot Condom A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale? The owners says ""Yes but its not cheap, i'd want £500 for it."" ""I'll take it"" says the dwarf. After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like? The owner replies ""to be honest you look like a massive cock."" ""Excellent."" replies the dwarf, ""i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt.""" +30962,0,My employer wants me to start taking 5 minute breaks throughout the day and take a few deep breaths to help relax. So I’ve decided to take up smoking. +30963,0,"I told my wife I didn't want to watch Kevin Heart's Seriously Funny because he is a sellout ""Not compared to Kevin Durant!"" She laughed. True story." +30964,3,"I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was ""You're pretty annoying."" but I'm choosing to focus on the positive." +30965,0,I had a terrible nightmare last night I accidentally bought a subscription of WinRAR +30966,0,"A Father and his 2 year old son are sitting on a couch... A father and his 2 year old son are sitting on a couch. The father was browsing Reddit without wifi, and the son was getting hungry. After a few minutes, the son shouts ""DADA DADA."" The father then realized what he was doing, and turned on the wifi." +30967,1,I'd make a political joke here I'm just afraid it would be elected. +30968,0,You guys like impressions? You should see the one I left on the couch this morning +30969,1,"What do you call a room with no walls, no windows and no door... ...A Mushroom" +30970,0,June is over? Julying. +30971,0,What STD is most prevalent in mosquitoes? Gonorrhoea. They get the clap. +30972,2,"A man walks into a bar, and to his surprise, Eminem is the one serving drinks. The man asks Eminem ""Hey, can I get two shots of vodka?"" Eminem says ""You only get one shot!""" +30973,1,"A guy walks into a bar and slips on a huge pile of dog shit. He gets up and goes to the bartender to tell him about the mess. Meanwhile another guy walks into the bar and slips on the same pile of shit. ​ The first guy walks over and points at the mess and says ""I JUST did that""...he woke up a few seconds later with a black eye." +30974,2,Why do light bulbs hate us? Because we flip them off all the time. +30975,1,What did the Penis say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in! +30976,1,"family at dinner table A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” " +30977,0,"First class won't go to Detroit!! There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, ""Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here."" The blonde replied, ""I can and I will."" The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. ""Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy."" ""You can't make me move."" The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, ""I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit.""" +30978,0,"Did you hear about the robot on trial? He was arrested for battery, but he got off on a technicality." +30979,1,"Paving a parking lot Joe and Ted were paving a parking lot. Just for kicks, Joe mooned Ted from across the parking lot... and then fell butt-first into the soft pavement. When the supervisor saw the butt-print in the pavement, he yelled at Ted. Ted said ""It wasn't me! It was Joe's asphalt!""" +30980,3,What was Hitlers campaign slogan? Gotta catch them all... +30981,6,"Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following: The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who ""never knew how much he was kneaded"". Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. " +30982,1,"Just before getting married man went to the astrologer Man: I am getting married can you please predict my future Astrologer: First 2 years of your marriage will be like hell Man: Ok, but what will happen after 2 years Astrologer: After 2 years you will get used to it" +30983,0,What did the blind tourist do during WWII? Not-see Germany +30984,1,"If fish spend all their time in schools, why do they get such bad grades? Because they perform below ""C"" level." +30985,1,We used to have kingdoms ran by kings and empires ran by emperors and now we have theresa may And now it's mayhem +30986,0,"My 4 coworkers didn't expect me to hate puns. I told them, ""Really though, I; Jenn, Hugh, Juan, Lee, hate puns. " +30987,0,What's the buoyancy of an abortion? Rho * v * Wade +30988,0,"What is the difference between a fast food restaurant and the men's room? Fast food restaurant - you're in, you're out Men's room - You're in, urine, you're out" +30989,0,Why do polar bears like bald white men? Because they have a big white bear place +30990,0,"The Pope vs. The Atheist The Pope and an atheist meet to have a frank and productive discussion about the existence/nonexistence of God. After some time, without much progress, the discussion becomes very heated. Finally The Pope says ""I give up. Talking to you about God is like asking you to walk around blindfolded, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there. There just isn't anything to talk about anymore."" The atheist says ""Well, Your Holiness, I believe we do have some common ground after all."" The Pope glares at him. ""What do you mean, 'common ground'?"" The atheist continues. ""Well, on one hand, I do think you are like the blindfolded man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that isn't there."" ""Except the only difference is: you've found it."" " +30991,3,"I don't get what the big deal is with spiders. Why is everyone so scared of them? I got to know the spider living in the corner of my room. We talked about our dreams and goals, he wants to be a Web designer. " +30992,5,I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday. You should have seen her face. +30993,1,"Archdeacon Claude Frollo is in Need of a New Bellringer... because Quasimodo died, starving himself to death by Esmeralda's grave. If you know anything about the book, it's slightly darker than the film. But, the problem for the Archdeacon is the same; the bells need to get rung, and he very well isn't going to ring them himself, so he puts out a notice that he's looking for a replacement for the dead hunchback. Frollo was nothing if not a bastard at heart, and decided to himself that it should be another freak of nature, a man or woman who did not belong in proper society that should take up the job cloistered up in the belltower. Food and lodgings would be provided, and one of the vermin the Archdeacon hated so much would be off the streets. Frollo's notice was a big hit, as many, many people wanted to have the honored position of bellringer of the bells of Notre Dame. Up from the top, Archdeacon Claude Frollo could see the line wrapped around the church, all people wanting the job desperately. One by one, they climbed up, up, up the winding stairs of the church of Notre Dame to meet the Archdeacon of the church Claude Frollo and audition as bellringer. One by one, they descended back down the winding stairs of the church of Notre Dame after the Archdeacon of the church Claude Frollo turned them away for either being too normal or an insufficient musical talent for such a prestigious position as the bellringer at the church of Notre Dame. The sun was getting lower little by little and Frollo was starting to give up hope. If he didn't find them by the end of the day today, he'd have to start all over tomorrow, or perhaps even have to ring the bells himself which was quite out of the question. A man shambled to the top of the stairs and Frollo turned around. ""I'm here to audition,"" he said, and Frollo took stock of him. He was average height, average build, with a smiling face and, Frollo noticed, no arms. The Archdeacon of the church of Notre Dame Claude Frollo laughed for the first time in many years. ""Thank you for lightening my spirits,"" he said, ""but you have no arms to ring the bells with. I am sorry only that you had to climb all this way for such a joke."" ""No, please,"" the man begged, ""let me show you. I can play the bells"" Frollo stepped aside with his arms crossed and waited. The man stepped forward, pulled his head back, and slammed into the first bell with his forehead. Down the row he went and back again, playing a tune that Frollo once knew when he was a much younger man. Even his icy heart started to melt a little. The playing was perfect, and this armless man had full control of everything from the volume of each bell to the length the note was held with only his head striking them. Frollo grabbed him by the shoulder and wiped a tear from his eye. He led the man to the window overlooking the entire city, the window that would be this man's view for as long as he served as the bellringer at the church of Notre Dame. ""Son, you have done me a great service, and will do this city an even greater one. Truly, you are the most talented musician in generations to grace our church. I am glad my search found you."" And Archdeacon Claude Frollo clapped the main on the back, giddy that his long day had yielded results. Now, there was only one problem. Without arms to steady himself, what Archdeacon Frollo thought was a gentle pat on the back actually sent this armless man teetering towards the window. Before Frollo knew what had happened, the man fell down, down, down the belltower to the streets of Notre Dame. Frollo let out an ungodly shriek and sprinted down the spiral stairs to get to the ground. Out the front door of the church he flew, where a crowd had already gathered around the man who had fallen down from the belltower of the church of Notre Dame, dead and splattered on the ground. ""Oh, Archdeacon Frollo, Archdeacon Frollo!"" Shouted a woman. ""This man, he fell from above! From the belltower of the church of Notre Dame! Archdeacon Frollo, who is this man?"" ""Well, I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."" Archdeacon Claude Frollo rang the bells himself the next morning grumpily. He'd lost his golden goose, and needed to find another. So he put out another notice for the next afternoon, requesting that anyone interested, even those who had already auditioned, return and try again. He looked out from the top of the tower at the line already forming, even in the early hours of the morning. Surely one of these men or women would be a suitable replacement. ""Archdeacon Frollo,"" said one of the deacons, ""there is a man here, insistent to see you. He says it cannot wait."" Frollo turned around and saw a perfectly normal man with an odd resemblance to his armless casualty the day before. With the arms, he didn't quite fit the bill Frollo was looking for. But before Archdeacon Frollo of the church of Notre Dame could speak, this man started weeping openly. ""What's the matter?"" The Archdeacon asked. ""The man yesterday who tragically fell to his death was my brother Archdeacon Frollo. My own brother. His only wish was to ring the bells of Notre Dame. Musical talent runs in our family, and despite my own occupation as a cobbler, I wish now to take up his place and serve this great church of Notre Dame."" Frollo decides, just this once, to make an exception, and see if this man truly does have the talent his brother had. He sent the deacons away, and gestured for this new audition to begin. And begin it did; the man played with inhuman grace, better even than his brother, and Frollo felt a tear prick the corner of his eye. This was it. This was the future of the church of Notre Dame. Frollo clapped despite himself, and the man pulled his arm back to strike the bell a final time, the end to his song. Suffice to say, the final blow never came. The man clutched his chest, gasping for air, and dropped to his knees. Frollo ran to him, but felt no pulse even seconds later. He died there, in the belltower of the church of Notre Dame, at the side of Archdeacon Claude Frollo. Frollo let out another inhuman shriek, and the deacons came running. ""Archdeacon Frollo, what is the matter-oh, God almighty! What happened to this man? What was the name of the man that needed to see you so urgently and died here in our own belltower in the church of Notre Dame?"" ""I never learned his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."" (Just a very shaggy dog. Hope you enjoyed it.)" +30994,5,Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he is married +30995,0,What do you call Post Malone when he delays a concert? PostPone Malone +30996,0,"My Pre-Calculus teacher added another level to a well known joke today. His projector died, and he said that it kicked the bucket, so I said 'Do you want to know what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket? ""How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?""' To which my teacher replied "" Then he had a heart attack, right?"" The entire class lost it." +30997,2,"I signed up for my company’s 401k, but I’m nervous I’ve never ran that far before" +30998,6,I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant... ...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby +30999,3,"Two Italian man get on a bus They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ​ ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."" ​ ""You foul-mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"" ​ ""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.""" +31000,0,"The night was dark... The night was dark, The moon was high. There we were, Just she and I. Her hair so soft, Her eyes so blue, I knew just exactly What I wanted to do. I trembled with fear, My fast beating heart, As she slowly moved Her legs apart. I'll never forget that night, As I look back now, The first time ever, I milked a cow. " +31001,0,"what's the difference between a intricately carved, interlocking watermelon and my wife's boobs? I only see my wife's boobs a couple times a day." +31002,5,"You know, cigarettes are a lot like Hamsters, Perfectly Harmless.... That is unless, of course, you put it in your mouth and light it on fire." +31003,3,"Learning new curse words Little Sally and Jonnie were getting ready for bed one night when Jonnie asked Sally, “hey, did you learn any new curse words today?” Sally replies, “yes, I sure did! Ass!” Jonnie says “oh that’s so cool! I learned a new one too... Damn!” “That’s so cool!” Says Sally. Let’s use them at breakfast tomorrow morning. “Ok” Jonnie replied. The next day at breakfast Jonnie and Sally’s Mom asked Jonnie “good morning son, what would you like for breakfast?” Jonnie looked his mother dead in the eye and said “some of those damn Cheerios!” She backhanded little Jonnie so hard he fell out of his seat, staggered to the wall and fell down to the floor screaming in tears. The mother turned around. “Now Sally, what would you like for breakfast?” “I don’t know but you bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”" +31004,0,"After the snap, Thanos had a lot of confidence... so he asked his girlfriend if she'd like to try Thanal." +31005,0,What do you call a Christian porno Passion of the Christ +31006,4,"A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss walked up to him and asked, ""How many sales did you make today?"" ""One,"" said the young salesman. ""Only one,"" blurted the boss, ""Most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"" ""$100,000,"" said the young man. ""How did you manage that?"" asked the flabbergasted boss. ""Well,"" said the salesman ""this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."" The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, ""You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"" ""No,"" answered the salesman ""He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"" " +31007,3,What did the yoga instructor tell his landlord when he tried to evict him? Namaste +31008,2,"What’s Matthew McConaughey’s political affiliation? He’s alt-right, alt-right, alt-right." +31009,1,I don't approve of political jokes They keep on getting elected. +31010,0,My professor said sarcasm is poisonous... But I'm septic. +31011,1,"A man goes to the Doctor and says ""I can't stop listening to the Arctic Monkeys"" The doctor replies- ""Snap out of it""." +31012,5,It's been a strange sort of day. First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar. +31013,5,"I named my dog Syndrome.. So when he's Misbehaving I yell ""Down Syndrome"" ^^^Stolen" +31014,3,I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song... But when I went to look it was just the chives talking. +31015,4,"Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now? It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded." +31016,2,"The bus driver shouts to the conductor Two women are in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat. The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, ""Let the ugly one take the seat"" Both women stood for the rest of the journey" +31017,3,So these two cows are sitting on top of the hill..... One cow says to the other cow.. did you hear about this mad cow disease? The other cow says what the hell do I care I'm a helicopter +31018,2,How does grandma's chairlift work? It has to do with nanatechnology. +31019,0,"Never try to help the CEO Back in my youth I was working late in the office one night when I see the CEO over by the admin area looking confused. I walk over and I see that he is trying to get the shredding machine to accept a piece of paper he is holding. I say ""here let me help"" and show him how to turn the machine on and feed in the document. ""Great"" he says as the machine takes the document from his hands. ""thanks for the help. Now where do I put in the fax number for the guy I'm sending this to?"" " +31020,0,"A little girl gets $20 for her Christmas present She runs with it to the candy store and asks for $20 worth of candy. The man behind the counter asks, “little girl, do you really think it’s wise to spend all your Christmas money on candy?” The little girl thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...” “By eating candy everyday?” Asks the man, astounded. “No,” replies the little girl, “by minding his own goddamn business.”" +31021,3,My mom was always obsessed with dental hygiene... ...she would always take her electric toothbrush to bed and brush her teeth all night! +31022,0,"My doctor asked for a blood, urine, faeces and semen sample so I said ""Here, just take my underwear!"" Sorry, I stole that joke. From Madeleine McCann." +31023,2,The Unabomber Edit: holy shit my inbox is blowing up +31024,1,Why do most people dislike anchovies? Because they're a little fishy +31025,3,"A parrot gets in a bar Do you guys have any peanuts? \\-no sorry we don't have some The next day, the parrot gets in again \\-Do you guys have any peanuts ? \\-No we still don't The next day \\-Do you guys have any peanuts ? \\-No we don't and if you come annoy me one more time I swear I'll nail you on the wall The next the parrot comes backs \\-Do you guys have any nails? \\-No why would we? \\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?" +31026,0,"What if God never intended for humans to eat meat? Jesus: “God! I have to tell you something about the humans!” God: “What are the doing?” Jesus: “They’re eating the animals!” God: “What?!?! They’re eating the animals? I gave them all sorts of fruits and vegetables!” Jesus: “I know, I know. I don’t understand. They’re eating EVERYTHING...the cows, the pigs, the chickens...” God: “They’re eating the chickens?!?!” Edit: I am not a vegan. I enjoy meat and poultry. I just think chickens are goofy looking." +31027,0,I made a school presentation about candles It was lit +31028,0,What do you call the former knight of Alaska? Sir Appalling. +31029,1,Told my wife her beauty is comparable to the galaxy It takes millions of dollars' worth of equipment to truly appreciate it. +31030,2,"One day you're going to meet the girl of your dreams And she won't want your money She won't want your house, or your car She won't want you either ;)" +31031,0,I'm 14 so I decided to do something with my hormones... I masturbated +31032,3,"So a blonde wants to buy a new tv So she gets to the store and picks the tv she likes but then a member of staff stops her and says: ""sorry we dont sell to blondes"", more confused than offended she walks out the store. When she got home she thought of a plan that will allow her to buy a tv: to dye her hair black. So the next morning she comes back to the store, this time with black hair. When she asks for the model she wants another member of stafg tells her: ""sorry we dont sell to blondes"" the blonde was confused but realized she probably had a bit of hair she missed. The blonde really wanted that tv so when she comes home she goes and buys a super expensive ginger wig, she makes sure theres no way to tell she is blonde, and the next morning she goes back to the store. When she gets to the store ahe picks her tv, this time fully confident that she will buy it. When she picks her tv the staff member tells her again ""sorry we dont sell to blondes"". Utterly shocked she asks him: ""how did you know i was blonde each time i was here?"" ""Only a blonde would pick a microwave as her favorite tv""" +31033,0,Of course Republicans would never tamper with voting computers... Computers are complex and logical +31034,0,Where are all the jokes stored? In a repostitory. +31035,0,I run a shy newspaper company and wait... Ignore this post. +31036,1,"An SEO Expert Walks Into a Bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whisky," +31037,3,Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats? So they could see the old British Navy! +31038,3,What language do Brazilian Geese speak? Portuguese +31039,1,What vegetable is always burnt? Chard. +31040,3,"Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation. Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump." +31041,0,what do you call sex with different versions of yourself from different universes? Doppelganger gangbang +31042,1,Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to litres overnight... There would be mass confusion. +31043,0,(NSFW) What do you call it when a Bee has an orgasm? Honey Nut Cheerios +31044,0,What do you call a Cat that can't? Pussy Cunt +31045,2,Batman walks into a bar... ...Followed by 24 Sodium atoms. +31046,1,Children must be really dangerous... Most of the flammable stuff I own tells me to KEEP AWAY from them! +31047,1,What did IKEA collaborate with Japan on? a desu ka +31048,0,On V-day I broke my girl's heart... She was a bloody mess... +31049,1,"There are no gays in Russia... There are homosexuals, but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in a prison with other men, and there is a three year waiting list for that" +31050,1,Say what you want about Olympic Skiing Events.... .....but most of that sport is going downhill fast. +31051,2,"Lost In Translation Jannik had just arrived to america and could only speaker German, but he was staying with a friend who was teaching him English. After a few days his friend feels he has learned enough and sends Jannik on some errands to test out his English. First Jannik goes to the bakery down the street and orders a ""Bum"". The baker says ""Do you mean a bun?"" Jannik says ""sure"" and heads to his next stop, the hardware store. He walks inside and asked for a ""Fuck it"". The employee informs Jannik he cannot talk like that at the hardware store and Jannik explains ""My friend need fuck it for water"". So the employee grabs a bucket and Jannik makes his way to his last stop, the doggy day care. He tells the lady at the desk he's here to get his cock and spank it. The lady gets very offended and is telling him to leave when he tells her he just needs his friends dog ""Spot"". Now she realizes Jannik meant a cocker spaniel and gives Jannik the dog. Feeling confidant that he got all his errands done Jannik walks across the street to get some ice cream when Spots collar breaks loose and he starts running away. Jannik panics, quickly turns to the man next to him and says, ""Quick! Hold my bum and fuck it while I grab my cock and spank it!""" +31052,7,"An old woman wants to get married one last time so she doesn't die alone. She takes out an ad in the paper that says, ""I'm looking for a husband. You must not hit me, you must not walk out on me, and you must be good in bed. If you're interested, come by my house tomorrow so I can get to know you."" The next day, several men show up at her house, but none of them quite seem right for her. The old woman is just about to give up hope when her doorbell rings one last time. She opens the door to see an old man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. The old woman feels bad for the man so she wheels him inside. ""Thank you for stopping by,"" she tells him. ""But I don't know if you're exactly what I'm looking for."" ""Well,"" the old man replies, ""I have no arms so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't walk out on you."" The old woman finds herself actually considering the man and asks ""Ok, but what about the last thing? Are you any good in bed?"" And the old man smiles and says, ""How do you think I rang the doorbell?""" +31053,0,Your mum is so old... Inspired by u/Hilmekru's you mom is so far joke Your mum is so old her birth certificate can be found in a series of cave paintings. +31054,4,My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment. Props to him. +31055,0,I like my Tinder dates like my Ramen Cheap and always ready in 2 mins +31056,1,"I was doing a survey on hello and hi Every month I will tally if most people greet me with hello or hi. most of the months, Hi won, but every October... Hello win!" +31057,0,Guess who I saw today? Everyone I looked at. +31058,5,As a kid I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog +31059,1,I know a place where the recycling rate is 99% The recycling plant. +31060,2,"So it was lunch at my new job And everyone was telling jokes. The thing is, they'd only say a number, and everyone would laugh. I asked my boss as I left what that was all about, and he said that since the same jokes were said over and over again they just assigned them all numbers to save everyone's breath. The next day i decided to try it out so at lunch I walked in and said: 437! Everyone laughed even more than normal, and they all said ""thanks for the laugh!"" I went to my boss and asked him what happened. He looked me in the eye and said: ""Your fly was down idiot!""" +31061,1,I'm tired of my wife complaining about the clogged septic system... She keeps bringing that shit up. +31062,0,"The Perfect Son............ A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday." +31063,1,What do electricians drink when they are thirsty? Watter. +31064,5,"A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom The man says, ""I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"" ""I don't believe you,"" says the cop. ""Show me."" The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down. ""Well,"" says the cop, ""where are the drugs now?"" ""What drugs?""" +31065,5,"I met an Australian guy who works in IT. I asked, ""Do you come from a LAN down under?""" +31066,1,"Since passing my art exam, I've become very patronising. If you don't know what that means let me draw you a picture." +31067,0,What do you call Donald Trump's speeches? Groping +31068,0,So i stopped shaving a couple days ago It's really starting to grow on me +31069,1,What did the dwarf say to Snow White? Hi Ho +31070,1,What's the difference between a drill sergeant in his 30s and one in his 80s? None. They both spend most of their time yelling at their privates for insubordination. +31071,3,What does DNA strand for? National Dyslecsics Association +31072,1,Kim and Kanye are combining their talents to make a new genre of music they call it plastic rap +31073,1,What happens to Santa's elves if they're naughty? They get the sack! +31074,1,"I asked my wife what the 'r' in ""Mrs."" meant... She replied, ""right""" +31075,2,"On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane." +31076,6,Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers. +31077,0,Why couldn’t the bike stand up on it’s own? It was two tired. +31078,2,"Which is worse having AIDS, or dying in a plane crash? I think it's probably worse having AIDS, in fact I'm positive." +31079,2,"Heaven Is a Place On Earth Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’ " +31080,1,"I've been recently obsessed with the band Fish They're having a few shows, I'm hoping to catch a live one!" +31081,5,"This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore." +31082,5,Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV? Too much sax and violins. +31083,2,Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. They are believed to be the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Rocher. +31084,0,My girlfriend is like 3 + 4i So fucking complex +31085,2,Why don't polio jokes get a laugh? No one gets it anymore. +31086,1,Why did the cranky actress turn down the role of Marie Antoinette? She was in no mood to do a period drama. +31087,0,Here’s a hypothetical situation for you... So I’m making a newspaper for a subreddit called r/theredditrace. Me and my fellow journalists are brainstorming a name. “THE EMPTY PODIUM?” “FIRST PLACE WEEKLY?” “Nah.” “How about **RACE REVIEW?**” “Racist bitch.” +31088,0,"A fine Russian lad A teenage girl skipped 2 periods. She tried to hide it, but her mother already noticed something strange going on. “My dear, tell me, did you have your period this month?” She trembled, and finally told her mother that she slept with a rich boy from her class, and that she thinks she got pregnant. Her mother went pale, she spoke out very quietly, almost as if she was about to have a breakdown: “That’s it. Wait until your father gets home. I didn’t raise a fucking slut!”-she started to cry Using the given time, the girl dialed a number and hanged up after a brief conversation. Her father had arrived and, just as they were about to start the long anticipated conversation, a black Mercedes G-Wagon parked across the street. A tall, blonde guy in a classy shirt is ringing at the front door. He didn’t look like one of those kids who make problems at school. He was a truely fine lad with a slight Russian accent. “Good evening. As you may already know, I am the one who slept with your daughter. I would like to...” “You motherfucker! I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL...”-her mother started growling at a young lad. The father stopped her, advising her to settle things down the easy way. “The thing I done cannot be undone. What I have done to your daughter was not moral in any way, I brought a great shame to my family. However, I believe that the least I can do is support her and my offspring, granting them a source of income enough to have a good life.” Her mother was showing her teeth. Ready to jump in, she was abrupted by a lad saying: “If a boy is born, he will get a factory along with 100.000$ on his account. In case of twins, both get a small shop and 50.000$. In case of a girl, she will be given a small shop, apartment in the Rose Avenue, and 100.000$. In case of twins, both will get a small shop, apartment, and 50.000$ on their accounts. However, it is quite possible that in case of miscarriage, the...” Her father jumps in, only to say: “Hey lad, why don’t you hit ‘er again just in case?”" +31089,0,"A High School Math Question If an object traveling at 650 miles per hour encounters resistance and slows to 0 miles per hour within 2 seconds, for how long will it take the North Tower to fall?" +31090,0,I have a friend named Sumbul. Whenever she lies to me I can tell she's saying Sumbulshit +31091,3,Why did the wizard lose his job? He got outsorced. +31092,0,"There's an old adage which says that behind each and every strong man, there is an even stronger woman. Even moreso if you work for the Weinstein Company." +31093,1,"A wife walks in on her husband, in bed with another woman. ""Helen, is that you?"", says the husband surprised. He turns to the woman next to him. ""Then who is this?""" +31094,5,Why you shouldn't be unfaithful. A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do i know you?' he asks. She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?' He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says 'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my buddy's party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery and shoved that massive cucumber up my arse?' She stares at him & says: 'No. I'm your daughter's teacher'. +31095,5,I broke my finger last week. On the other hand everything is fine. +31096,2,"Stellar objects and radio waves? I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following: 1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound? 2) If not, are these ""waves"" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen? 3) If so, does each body have a distinct frequency pattern (like how a station at 102.3 FM and another at 102.7 are distinct in their respective transmissions)? 4) Is it possible to hear these radio waves with a standard radio - AM/FM/CB/Shortwave? Thanks" +31097,2,"Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy. Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be assassin to the point that his aim is off and the shot goes over Trump’s head. Some bodyguards wrestle the assailant to the ground, while others hustle the President to safety. Disaster averted. Later, during debriefing, the head of the security detail congratulates the rookie. Without his quick thinking, he tells him, the President might very well be dead. “But I’m puzzled” he said. “Why on earth would you yell Mickey Mouse?” “I’m new”, explained the rookie, sheepishly. “I panicked. I meant to yell Donald! Duck!!”" +31098,1,Mixed up my sleeping pills with my viagra: Ended up having 40 wanks. +31099,2,What kind of cars do shellfish drive? Mussel cars. +31100,2,"100 years ago everyone owned a horse... 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses. How the stables have turned." +31101,1,Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in “The Crown”? She probably gets royalties. +31102,6,It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail +31103,0,"#long One evening, Broseidon, Al Bundy, Cristiano Ronaldo, Vegeta, San Goku, King Joeffrey, Frodo and Markus decided to go for a drink..... The 7 friends and Markus haven't seen each other for a few weeks and they were in a good mood to bang some girls. Lorde has a gig in the coolest club in town and the squad decided to go to the club after a short pre-drinking. The pre-drinking took place at Al Bundys home and they had profound discussions. Vegeta to King Joeffrey ""man do you ever fucked a girl in the other hole?"" ""NO of course not!"" responds Joeffrey, ""i don't want to get her pregnant!"" After short pre-drinking they start their journey.  All except Al Bundy. Al was a little bit to drunk for partying. He was standing in the bathroom and told the showerhead to stop crying. The others were on their way. All completely drunk. Frodo saw a tree and climb on it ""fellers!! that's the biggest broccoli i've ever seen!!"" The others laughed. BUUUUUUUMMMMMMM!!! a porsche has crashed into the tree. The driver was screaming ""my porsche! my porsche! my porsche!"" Broseidon rushes him to help! ""Hey bro forget your porsche, you've lost your arm!!"" The porsche driver responds ""my rolex!  my rolex! my rolex!"" ""Don't worry dude I'll take care of it!"" says Joeffrey! Proud he looks at his new watch! Moments later the paramedics arrived and so the journey of the 6 friends and Markus continues. ""THIS IS SPARTAAA!!!"" Cristiano Ronaldo shouted. They've reached the coolest club in town! >>>SPARTA<<< It was heavily guarded by 300 doormen. Unfortunately Frodo's worn-out clothes were not classy enough to enter the club. He had to stay outside. Meanwhile  Broseidon, Vegeta, San Goku, Cristiano Ronaldo King Joeffrey and Markus went into the club. ---Well, of course, like every other group of friends that enter a club they lost each other a few moments after entering... So everyone has to fight alone to find love--- Lorde was playing on a big stage in the middle of the main floor. Everyone was partying. Broseidon goes straight to a beautiful Lady. After some smalltalk they kissed each other... everything seems fine, but right before Broseidon wants to ask for her number,  another guy shows up. And for some reason the Lady was completely into that other guy. Broseidon had no chance to get the girl. He looses the battle against this mysterious guy who calls himself Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. What a dickhead! he's never seen something like that before! Unbelievable... King Joeffrey walks into an rnb-floor and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, ""Wow, nice legs!"" She is flattered and replies, ""You really think so?"" Joeffrey says, ""Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"". Cristiano Ronaldo had it going on with a hot blonde lady. The whole time she talks about her husband who died cause of a small flesh wound he was getting in a battle against some wannabe-soldier. He killed the wannabe but later the wound had festered and so he died because of a sepsis, and then it gets all crazy with slaves, witchcraft, fire and all that shit. She said now she's fully into her career and stuff but Cristiano didn't listen, he just wanted to bang her. After sone drinks they went to the toilet to do some grown up stuff. Cristiano riped his clothes off.... ""doesn't look my body like dynamite?"" - ""maybe, but with that short fuse it's worthless!"" She said and left Cristiano behind crying in the toilet. At the same time King Joeffrey was beaten up cause he had made fun of Kathleen Jenner and the new principal of the scool in town didn't tolerate such intolerant douchebags. Meanwhile Markus wants to get a date. He wasn't a womenizer but he had heard from his friend Stifler that women like tough guys, so he walks up to a lady at the bar and says: ""eyyy you like tough guys??"" - She: ""hmmm could be"" - He: ""Well i don't use toilet paper..."" - She responds ""Ohhhhh... raaawwrr... you have to show me ;)"" Just kidding. She slaped him and ran away. San Goku flirts with a tall girl and he was really into her. He was very politely and also paid her some drinks, then he ask for her number... but the girl responds ""You find it in the phone book."" - ""but I don't know your name"" San Goku said. The girl just answered ""that's in the pone book to!"" Poor San Goku... Vegeta has watched the whole scene from behind... Sooo back to Broseidon. He's found another cute girl to approach. He get's in touch with her. But suddenly a dude with short pants and a Bowling shirt shows up. This prick told about a beach house in malibu and paaaaff the girl was fallen in love with that strange way to old man. But that was nothing compared to what's next. You should have seen Broseidon's eyes as he flirted with the next girl and suddenly a small ugly guy with a bowl haircut appears. So this dickhead really claimed to be an astronaut. And the worst thing, the chick did believe him!! What a liar! Can you believe that?! ""I bet this bowl haircut dick still lives at his mum's  house"" Broseidon thought. Clearly that was to much for him. He decided to get completely drunk! After his hopeless attempt before, Markus sits alone at a table and drinks a pepsi. At the table next to him there was a beautiful brunette... Markus wondered what he could say... He knows, everytime he is talking to a girl he says something stupid. Suddenly the brunette stands up and walks away. So he thought ""I guess it's better this way, it wouldn't have worked out anyway"" but while he was thinking about how much it wouldn't worked out with her the brunette came back and sit down at the table again. ""THAT'S A SIGN!"" he thought ""WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!!"" so he empties his pepsi,  streches out his chest and walks up to her like a champion ""heyyyyyy.... you've been pooping?"" Vegeta had enough... only girls who are way to young and with waaaaayyy to much make up... He get's approached by a lot of girls. One of them, was really persistent. Ironically it was the bitch that had dumped San Goku before. Vegeta remembers her, so he just says ""Words can't describe how beautiful you are..."" She ""awwwwww that's so sweeeeet! :)"" V: ""but numbers can. 2/10."" Vegeta turns around, and calls a cab. On his way home he was wondering why Lorde had hairy legs... but then he discard the thoughts, cause he had to think about his next biceps workout tomorrow. Finally Broseidon was kissing a gorgeous blonde wich said she works at the cheesecake factory. What he didn't know: the sexy blonde was on her period. But she just thought ""Ahh he's so sweet and also really drunk, he won't even notice!"" The next morning Broseidon wakes up alone in the bed wondering what had happened the night before... He gets a shock!!! The whole bed was covered in blood! He just remembers the blonde girl from the cheesecake factory but what happened next? What have he done? Immidiately he runs to the gun locker! ""GOOD! All cartridges complete so I haven't shot her!"" he tought. Next he checks the knife block in the kitchen. All knifes there, no knife is bloody ""Oh good i haven't stabed her!"" But then he thinks ""wait a moment... I don't have a gun locker... I haven't even a knife block! Where the fuck am I and what have I done to the girl?"" In panic he runs through the apartment. Suddenly he stop in front of a mirror... thinking ""FUCK!!! I'VE EATEN HER!!!!""" +31104,1,Halal in the streets but Haram in the sheets. stole from a comment thread dont sue +31105,0,What do you call a man... What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall? Art What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob +31106,4,I failed my fire safety exam today when the instructor asked me what steps I would take in case I see a fire. “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer. +31107,2,What should you eat while reading a thesaurus? Synonym Rolls. +31108,0,"A leprechaun, a ancient ninja warrior, and a talking monkey walk into a bar... The bartender then tell them to read the sign that exclaims that the establishment would not take part in jokes. The three patrons then have to sadly leave as the bartender loses more and more business he become depressed. One day a talking dog and horse walking in and when they ask for drinks the bartender just give a emotionless glare at the sign as they go to leave a chicken walks in and sits down; the bartender continues starring at the sign the chicken gets mad a yells “now where is a guy supposed get his beak wet” the bartender points to the bar across the street. Realizing what he is to do yells “wait! tell them I’m taking the sign down” answering the age old question why did the chicken cross the road" +31109,2,What do you call a snail that smokes weed? A trailblazer. +31110,1,BREAKING: An 18 wheeler full of wigs and toupees crashes and spills over the I-95 interstate at 1:30pm today. Police are still combing the area. +31111,3,"A lesbian woman is hitting on another woman in a bar..... The other woman tells the lesbian ""Im sorry but I straight."" The lesbian wispers into her ear, ""So is spaghetti, until it gets hot and wet""" +31112,2,What do strippers and Hillary Clinton have in common? They rely too much on polls +31113,0,"3 travelers in the dessert. 3 starving travelers are traveling through the dessert, hungry and tired one traveler points to the horizon and shouts ""look a bacon tree!"" the travelers sprint to the bacon tree until one man pops out from the shrubbery and shoots at them. In his dying breath one of the travelers say ""thats not a bacon tree thats a ham bush""" +31114,9,"The director of EA walks into a bar *Download the punchline for only 4.99* Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind Redditor!" +31115,3,I finally understood Einstein's theory of relativity. It was about time. +31116,0,Anyone else curious to see if the Avengers will show up today and prevent Tom Brady from becoming Thanos? We are in the endgame now +31117,0,Why did Hitler buy the mixer? To take out the jews +31118,2,"Golfing Priests Two priests, one young and one old, were playing golf. The younger priest swung at the ball and shouted, ""Damn it, I missed!"" The older one reminded him, ""Watch your language or God will punish you."" The younger one had another swing and exclaimed, ""Bloody hell!"" The older one said again, ""Watch your language or God will punish you."" The younger priest tried again and shouted, ""Shit! Not again!"" Before the old priest could say anything, a lightning bolt descended from the skies and struck the older priest. Immediately after, a rumbling voice echoed, ""Fuck! I missed!""" +31119,1,My wife is really made at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right! +31120,0,"With an alcohol addiction you can ruin your life very fast. With a marijuana addiction you are 'slowly' ruining your life, in your head!" +31121,2,"I watch the Boston Marathon every year with my best friend. This year his girlfriend decided to join us, but she just couldn't understand why we were laughing. It was a running joke." +31122,0,"My friend wanted to tell me a story, so I said: I'm all ears, as they say in Chernobyl" +31123,2,"Went to the doctor for my physical When it came time to do the prostate exam, I asked where I should put my pants. He said on the rack next to his." +31124,0,My nervous system is so narcissistic. It only thinks about itself. +31125,2,[NSFW] What did they name the new abortion clinic? Ctrl+Z +31126,5,"I broke up with my girlfriend because I am gay She got really mad, and sent me a picture of her sucking some dudes cock. I said to her ""Tell Kevin I said hi!"" Edit: thanks to/u/Krebs_cycle for the help" +31127,4,What's the difference between a Twix and a dick? Try eating a Twix sometime. +31128,0,"The laundry tablet box says ""keep away from children""... Fine by me, I hate kids" +31129,2,"I keep loading paper into my printer but it keeps saying ""I just can't get enough"" I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode." +31130,0,What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls...because it's under a buck. +31131,2,"What does a gay vampire cholo say? I want, to fuck, you blood" +31132,2,"A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!” “Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies “I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”" +31133,1,"A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”. She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.” " +31134,1,I ran in to an old friend last week... I was arrested for driving under the influence +31135,0,"So, what do a sex robot and a prostitute have in common? They both stop working after you pee on them." +31136,3,"Jesus walks into a hotel He throws 3 nails on the counter and says ""put me up for the night""" +31137,2,Who do Australians hunt with one eye? Because a bad eye can’t But a good-eye-might +31138,3,"Got Aids This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks ""You haven't got aids have you?"" He replies ""No"" she responds ""Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!""" +31139,0,Trump: I agree with Hillary that a woman's place is not in the house Not in the white house that is. +31140,4,"If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday: Liver damage " +31141,0,Why did the light turn red? You would too if you were caught changing in the middle of the street! +31142,1,"My father always said to me, ‘if you build it, they will come’. That’s why I now own my own strip club." +31143,3,We asked 100 women... And got 1683 responses. +31144,0,How many Turks does it takes to screw a light bulb? I tried 80 million contractor and All of them are still promising They are gonna finish the job by the next week. +31145,4,How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*. +31146,1,I lost my virginity. May I get yours? +31147,0,Why did the man climb up the Eiffel Tower? Because his butt was on fire -my 8 year old sister +31148,2,A vegan came up to me told me that eating meat is disgusting I told her that eating fruits and vegetables are grocer +31149,2,"I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot I kid you not, that's what it was" +31150,0,How does a Japanese rapper say hello to females? Wha-Suhhhh-B +31151,2,"Optimist, ""the glass is half full"". Pessimist, ""The glass is half empty"", Feminist.... ""the glass is being raped""" +31152,1,"Are you TIRED of ads? Now is your chance! Get 2% off till December 23 and buy the ultimate ""no-ads-ever-again"" gift for family or yourself (only $9.99 instead of $10.09)! Check out our store and be sure to subscribe to our quarter-hourly e-mail newsletter (newsletters include, but are not limited to, ads, advertisements, promotions, promotional commercials, and commercial material). Only $9.99 per day so you can live happily ever after without ads! Again, be sure to subscribe to our e-mail newsletter (48 offers per day) AND our post subscription (only $99 per month). \\[Joke\\]" +31153,2,Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW The porcupine has the prick on the outside +31154,1,What do you do with a no-legged greyhound? Take it drag racing +31155,1,"Australia sends a rep to Germany... ..to inspect their latest renewable energy projects. They spend days touring wind and solar farms and talking through all the latest innovations. At the end of the trip they ask the rep what he thinks of the facilities and the push for renewables. The rep sighs with envy and says, ""Ahh, look - it's all very interesting. If only we had this much sun and wind back home.""" +31156,2,I just read most car accidents happen within 5 miles of home. That’s it we’re moving! +31157,0,I want to make a documentary about birds. I need to get approval from a lot of progoosers. +31158,2,What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator? The encyclopedia has a spine. (Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski) +31159,0,What did the three legged girl get for Christmas? Cancer +31160,2,What's the difference between a circus and a whore house? One has a cunning array of stunts. +31161,0,My thoughts on anti-abortion: Its a cruel nickname but she has had 4 +31162,0,Have you ever ate a clock Its very time consuming +31163,2,"Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say... ""My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued.""" +31164,1,"I finally got the attention of my crush But... I’m not sure if I still want that date... Like really she overreacted like she’s one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee! I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my forehead and live music in my living room. " +31165,1,"What do you call China's leader, cloned, stacked on top of each other, doused in petrol, and a match tossed on? A giant, flaming pile of Pooh." +31166,1,"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf? ""Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."" ""Well, why is my sister named Rose?"" ""When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."" ""Then why is my name Brick?"" ""Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzAndAGallonOfWhippedCream."" *posted a slightly different ending in r/antijokes ...this joke is evolving*" +31167,0,Why do OCD people meditate? Because they must align their chakras. +31168,2,How do farmers party? They turnip the beets +31169,0,Chemistry? Sodium? NA. Potassium? K. +31170,1,Where does Justin Timberlake wash his dishes? In sink +31171,3,"Tyrion's joke completed Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. Madame: What can we do for you? Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me. Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule? Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey... Madame: And what about the third wish? Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee. Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh? Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!" +31172,1,What's the difference between broccoli and snot? Try to make a child eat broccoli! +31173,0,"The office costume party (Husband) Honey, at this year’s office Halloween party why don’t I wear a superman costume you can go as a witch? (Wife) How clever! (Husband) What do you mean? (Wife) It’s a polar opposite theme right? " +31174,3,Why do women get paid so much to donate their eggs? Sex cells. +31175,2,"My girl friend says I am paradoxical. ""A huge-ass dick with a tiny-little-ass penis.""" +31176,0,"Man goes to the cardiologist ""So, how many beers do you have per day?"" the cardiologist asked. ""Four,"" the man responded. ""But last time I said you could only have two!"" ""Yes, but my physician also said I could have two.""" +31177,1,"A man, looking pretty depressed, walked into a bar ""Damn, brother, you seem ganked up, drink's on the house for ya"", said the bartender who handed him a drink to which the sad man politely received. ""What happened?"", asked the bartender ""I didn't get the job in ther interview"", said the man, ""That must suck"", said the bartender, to which the man replied, ""They asked me how I deal with mistakes, apparently, 'buying drugs from your son', wasn't the right answer""." +31178,1,How can you tell Cap'n Crunch is terrible? He hasn't been promoted since 1963... +31179,0,It smells like a henway in here. Person: What's a henway? Me: About 2 pounds. +31180,2,"If you're worried about Trump starting WW3, don't be... If the US starts the war they can't join three years late." +31181,2,"Slow wife A village man decided to walk 5 miles to town for some supplies. While there, he saw a bull for sale. It was a grand bull and decided to buy it. After making the purchase, he realized he would need his wife to come help him bring the bull back home. At the time, the only way to communicate to anyone was via telegraph, however, he only had enough money to send one word. He thought for a moment, and wrote down the word on a piece of paper and handed it to the operator. The operator looked at the paper, then at the village man and said, ""Comfortable"". ""How is your wife going to know you need her to come with just this single word?"" The village man replied, ""Don't worry, she's a very, very slow reader""." +31182,0,"A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar. He sits down and drinks covfefe." +31183,0,"Labels In Society I really hate labels in society. Every action you do and every interest you have has a ""category"" and you get lumped together with a group, and it's stupid. If I like video games, I'm a ""nerd"". If I like Starbucks, I'm ""basic"". If I sneak into your house at 3 am and watch you sleep even though I'm pretty sure you dropped multiple hints, I'm labeled a ""creep"". It's ridiculous!" +31184,3,Why is it difficult for alcoholics to become lawyers? It’s hard for them to pass the bar. +31185,0,How does a BLM supporter fight crime? He gets a vasectomy. +31186,1,"Healthy jokes For all your jokes about all sorts of illnesses! ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Dude, what's that? I don't have OCD, I have CDO, where the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be! Why do they call it a cold if it gives you a fever? So do your worst and give us all cancer with your bad jokes!" +31187,0,Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it. +31188,2,"I don’t always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs." +31189,0,"I sat down next to an asian man at the bar In an effort to sttike up some small talk i ask him what he does for a living. ""I'm a pirate"" he responds. Somewhate confused, I ask ""A pirate?"" ""No, no. A pirate! I fry peopre around in an airprane""" +31190,1,What do you call a stupid genius? An Oxymoron. +31191,0,What is the difference between Isaac Newton and the five month old baby I just stabbed to death? Isaac Newton died a virgin. +31192,3,If I've learned anything from cleaning under my fingernails it's that I'm terrible at wiping my ass. +31193,2,"My Ex-wife tells me she misses me. Women shouldn't be hitmen, just saying." +31194,9,"A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says ""I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."" The man hands the baby back and responds, ""Well, bring me the one my wife made.""" +31195,1,I like the band Ghost I just can't stand the Phandom though. +31196,1,"When it comes to seasoning fish.. It's all about right plaice, right thyme" +31197,1,My career as a hacker was short lived after I made a suit out of envelopes and climbed through my neighbours windows. Mailwear +31198,0,What is called when an insurance company assesses a totaled car? An auto-topsy +31199,1,What did the ghost say to the bartender? More boo's please +31200,4,"My buddy keeps saying ""Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."" I know he means well... **EDIT: This post was made for the ModMurder challenge today.**" +31201,3,A man walked into an ER with four plastic horses shoved up his bum... They described his condition as stable. +31202,5,My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. +31203,0,What do you call an egg that cures cancer? A keurig. Joke written by my 9 year old son. +31204,0,Health department veterans warn people to avoid Eggs Benedict at brunch restaurants due to the risk of salmonella from raw egg products held at improper temperatures. There's no place like home for the hollandaise. +31205,0,"A man takes his family to the zoo. He wants to see the lions, so they go there first, only to find no lions in the enclosure! “No problem” says the man, “lets go see the penguins instead” When they reach the penguin habitat lo and behold there aren’t any in there! “This is absurd!” the man exclaims, and he says to a zoo worker, “are there any animals in this zoo?!” “Well if you follow me I can show you” As the group stops outside an unsigned space, the man explodes in anger “WHAT SORT OF ZOO ONLY HAS A DOG IN IT!” The worker replies, “it’s actually a shitzu” “I KNOW IT IS, THE ONLY ANIMAL HERE IS A BLOODY CHIHUAHUA!”" +31206,1,What do you call a loud person from Chicago? Illinoisey +31207,4,Who hasn't had Somalian food? Somalian children +31208,0,"A small town in Florida Ok so there's a tiny town called Hugh in Florida. It's right by the Everglades. Beautiful place, river runs through the main part of town where there are a lot of fish and other assorted water creatures that swim in it. Storks, cranes, and many other tropical fish. Well one day a creature decided to swim up into town and just kind of stayed there, the townspeople grew to love him and took care of him and fed him. He became a kind of unofficial mascot for the town. Well one day, the sheriff noticed him floating still in the river. Upon closer inspection he realized that he'd been run over by a boat. So the hunt began, the townsfolk searching for the owner of the boat who killed their friend. Eventually they found him and since hitting an endangered species with a boat In Florida is illegal since it is killing an endangered animal the man was charged with a crime. He became the first person in town history to be charged with crimes against Hugh's manatee. " +31209,0,What do you call a gay Jew? A HeBro. +31210,0,Who is the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra-sound guy +31211,4,I'm reading a book that argues against euthanasia. It's impossible to put down. +31212,0,Why does Hannibal Lecter skin his colleagues? He enjoys the taste of Doctors Without Borders. +31213,0,"Misogynist Sailor The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.  ""Was it my friend Sam?"" he demanded.  ""No!"" his weeping wife replied.  ""Was it my friend Jim then?"" he asked.  ""NO !!!"" she said even more upset.  ""Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?"" he asked.  ""Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"" she snapped." +31214,1,Hear about the thief who robbed a board game store? He took a Risk and got Life. +31215,1,What do you call a used tampon in a bowl of water? Egg drop soup +31216,7,[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common? I don't fuck with either of them. +31217,2,"Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find! Way fewer bars!!!" +31218,1,"I entered a pun contest this weekend You had to submit your ten best puns to the judges and then they’d pick a winner. Since I love puns so much I figured I had a good chance of winning. Sadly, no pun in ten did. " +31219,0,"What are the 3 parts of a wood stove? Lifter, legs, and poker" +31220,2,Want to know why Herbert Hoover was my favorite president? Because he actually gave a dam. +31221,6,"Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said to Mickey, ""You say here that your wife is crazy."" **Mickey replied, ""I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy!""**" +31222,9,"How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint? She released the video on pornhub. (Too soon?)" +31223,0,"Looking for a SFW jokes on the topic of butterflies, bees, or pollination Exhausted Google already and now it's Reddit time." +31224,2,Lets ban all shredded cheese from Mexico Make America grate again. +31225,2,"Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot. You can always catch a cold" +31226,1,Tooth Fairy The only thing the tooth fairy teaches children is that they can sell body parts for money. +31227,4,"I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in. I said ""2017"" " +31228,1,Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in the jeans. +31229,1,"A bee flew into my mouth today. I've gotta admit though, I kinda enjoyed it. Gave me a real buzz" +31230,1,"Drama Queen Doctor..!! ​ ""Mom, don't worry, I'm in hospital but I'm fine."" ""You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now.""" +31231,2,"Mom meet my girlfriend Me: mom let me introduce you to my girlfriend. Mom: you could not find anything better? Me: Let me be, I love her. Mom: Shut up! I am speaking to her." +31232,1,"My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home, all the signs were there." +31233,0,"A guy was walking down a road. Soon, he came across a house, with a woman trying, in vain, to move a rather large new refrigerator through her rather narrow front door. As he was in no particular hurry, he offered to help, and the woman gladly accepted his offer, albeit with some scepticism, for she now saw that there was no way in hell that her new fridge would fit through. Immediately, the man whipped out a little plastic biro, and started reciting mantras in what seemed to be several different languages while moving the low-quality writing instrument in a slow circle above his head. All of a sudden, there was a bright flash of light, and a beautiful harmonic ringing. When her eyes readjusted, the woman saw that the fridge had, miraculously, seemingly teleported from one side of the door to the other. Astounded, she then asked him if he'd also be able to move her rickety old antique bookcase upstairs into her study without breaking it. Feeling charitable, the man obliged, and set to work, taking out his biro, doing his little dance, and reciting his multilingual verses. The same flash of light and harmonic ringing ensued, and, lo and behold, the bookcase was upstairs, with not a scratch to be seen. Amazed, the woman asked: ""So, is this a thing that you've been taught, or...?"" The man replied: ""Oh, I don't know, I've always had a penchant for this kind of thing""" +31234,0,Roger Ailes buys a puppy. He calls it Colby. +31235,2,"Knock knock *Knock knock* Who's there? Amnesia. Amnesia, who? I see you have it, too!" +31236,2,"Melania Trump immigrated to America in 1996 And after her speech I now see why Donald says that ""all immigrants are thieves""" +31237,1,My girlfriend is how I get through tough times. Been dating her for 5 years and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath I can survive anything +31238,3,I was wondering why the ball kept coming closer And then it hit me +31239,4,"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell how you need to be ""saved"" or you'll ""burn"". hi Stupid fireman..." +31240,1,Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. +31241,3,So my sister told me to get her something hard to write on... then she got really mad at me Thought sand would be pretty hard to write on +31242,2,Three buzzfeed writers walk into a bar You won't believe what happens next! +31243,0,What kind of punch can take out 20 kids and 6 adults? A sandy hook +31244,2,The reason most girls do not like anal its just a pain in the ass +31245,3,"A sailor boarded his new ship.... Sailor: This ship looks boring, is there anything to do around here? Captain: No, we only do one thing in our free time. We go to the bottom of the ship, oil up a hole in a barrel and fuck it. Sailor: Well.... Okay when can I go down there? Captain: Everyday except Sunday! Sailor: Why can't I on Sunday's? Captain: Because on Sunday's it's your turn in the barrel!" +31246,0,How do you catch a rabbit? Lay in the grass and make a noise like a carrot +31247,0,"If getting a blowjob on the toilet is a blumpkin, what do you call masturbating on the toilet? A jack-o-lantern" +31248,2,"I phoned my boss. I said, ""I'm calling in sick tomorrow."" ""But, how do you know you're going to be ill?"" he asked. I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop." +31249,4,"I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful." +31250,1,"With Trump and Hillary being the candidates, I think we know who will win... Dave." +31251,1,I got 99 problems... and having a triple-digited number of problems ain't one. +31252,3,"Little steve had a school homework. He had to go home and ask a family member for an unusual color He went home after school and went to his mum: “Mom, I need your help for school, can you tell me an unusual color please?” To which his mother answers: “Let’s see... purple plum” “Thanks mum I think that is good.” The next day, steve gets to school and his classmates start saying the colors they chose. “Cyan-blue” says one. “Lime green” says another. Steve was the last to present his ‘purple plum’ and just before him was a black boy, josh. “So, Josh what color did you bring for us today?” Asks the teacher. “Purple plum” he says. “Very well, what about you steve?” “Black motherfucker!” (PS- no racism intended, obviously) " +31253,3,I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know Y. ​ ​ +31254,1,"Grandma's Undies A college student invited her grandmother out to lunch with a group of her classmates. Sitting around the table, the young girls began discussing their preference in undergarments; some of the them expressed a preference for thongs, while others endorsed bikini panties. The old woman was conspicuously silent until her granddaughter turned to her and said, ""Grandma, which type of underwear do you wear?"" The grandmother shrugged and said, ""Depends...""" +31255,0,Wanna hear a dirty joke? A man fell in some mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? The man took a bath with Bubbles. Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door. +31256,3,Why are little boys always mean to girls the like? They are hitting on them. +31257,0,i have been drinking Chinese milk for years And my doctor said I have lactose intolerance. What a BS. +31258,4,Everyone disses The Emoji Movie but you have to admit... Patrick Stewart was the shit in that film. +31259,5,I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships I guess in HD was not the answer she was expecting. +31260,2,If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it... It’s a trap... +31261,2,"For women, waiting for sex is a lot like waiting for snow They don't know how many inches is there gonna be, they don't know how long it will last, but they know it's gonna be slippery." +31262,2,"For weeks, I have been trying to convince people on a military history subreddit that I’m French. Finally I gave up." +31263,2,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Never mind, it's an obscure number you've probably never heard of. " +31264,4,"There was once a great Mexican Magician... There was once a great Mexican Magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count; uno dos and suddenly he would disappear without a tres." +31265,0,The truth behind The Purge: It's Halloween for grown-ups. +31266,3,"2 deer walk out of a gay bar One says to the other ""Man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there!""" +31267,2,"The best part of having a 75"" TV is watching porn. Now all the actresses look as wide as my wife." +31268,1,What did they say about the Swordsman’s outfit at the Met Gala? That is was very Avant En Garde. +31269,2,It's hard when you work at Black Angus Your whole reputation is at steak. +31270,1,"If a company's most valuable resource is it's people.... .... how come the employees aren't locked up, but the toilet paper is secured in a reinforced steel lock box, bolted to the stall?" +31271,0,"The average life insurance policy is $100,000. How much is the policy for a white supremacist? 3k." +31272,1,Knock Knock Who's there...? --- A man --- A man who...? --- A man who can't reach the doorbell. +31273,3,"My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia. Nevermind, she just returned from the shops." +31274,2,"2 Guys walk out of the gym together. The first guy has a big bulge near his pocket. The second guy points at and and asks what it is. ""Tennis ball."" The second guy makes a face like he's thinking, and then says ""Well I had tennis elbow once...""" +31275,0,"A penguin was driving down a desert road When all the sudden his car started making weird noises. He managed to make it to the nearest gas station where there was a small town mechanic shop. The penguin pulled up and asked the attendant, ""Could you have a look at my car? It started making all sorts of noise and I'm no mechanic."" The attendant replied, ""Yeah, sure. It's going to be a while though. There's a small ice cream shop half a mile up the road. Why don't you go get yourself an ice cream and we will probably have it figured out by time you get back."" The penguin walked up the road, ordered a vanilla ice cream cone, and enjoyed it on the way back. As he approached the gas station he asked the man who was currently under the hood of the car, ""So did you find out what was wrong with my car?"" The attendant replied, ""It looks like you blew a seal."" Penguin says, ""No, that's just ice cream.""" +31276,5,"Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. Concrete floors are really hard to crack. Then he said ""you were thinking about the egg weren't you!""" +31277,1,I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect. I don't know anything about it. +31278,1,"Yo mamma Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, ""Sorry, no professionals.""" +31279,0,"A woman walks into a bar and he sees a man sitting by the bar, drinking his beer. The woman observes the man as he drinks his beer, and when he gets up to leave, the woman approaches him. Woman: ""Do you come here regularly?"" Man: ""Yes."" Woman: ""And how many times do you come here per week?"" Man: ""Every day."" Woman: ""And how many beers do you drink every time you come here?"" Man: ""About 3."" Woman: ""How long have you been coming here for?"" Man: ""About 5 years."" Woman: ""So you've come here every day of the year, which is 365 days, times 5 years, so 1825 days. You drink 3 beers every day, which is 5475 beers in the last 1825 days. And each beer is 15$, so that's 82125$. If you didn't drink beer for the last 5 years, you could have bought a Ferrari by now!"" Man: ""Do you drink beer?"" Woman: ""No."" Man: ""Then where's your Ferrari?""" +31280,2,"Highly trained bird A man goes into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg. ""What are those strings for?"", he asks the store owner. ""This is a highly trained creature,"" the owner explains. ""If you pull the red string, he speaks Spanish and if you pull the green string he speaks French."" ""What happens if you pull both strings at the same time?"" the man asks. ""I fall off my perch, you idiot!"" squawks the parrot." +31281,0,"I was walking down the street the other day. I saw two boys walking towards me, with a bottle of Diet Coke and a roll of mentos. When we finally met paths, I stopped them and told them how much fun I had doing that when I was a kid, but try to be careful. I asked them if it was for a school project, or just for fun. They then told me that they were middle school NASA. I said, just for fun it is. One of the kids stopped me, he said ""no we're legit middle school NASA, we get funding in the millions"". I told him he shouldn't lie and he told me his dad works for Microsoft. I told him that doesn't mean anything, and that I seriously doubt him. Then he told me his dad is Bill Gates and it all made sense. You would think Bill Gates would be investing in something... a little more conventional. " +31282,0,Girlfriends are expensive but so is my drug habit. +31283,3,"Going to the prom..... A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline." +31284,10,Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made +31285,1,What do a nail salon and Hitler have in common? They both remove polish with chemicals +31286,5,My roommate called the suicide hotline and they put him on hold They just left him hangin' +31287,0,"My friend, Francesca, had a small parasite under her skin and she was absolutely distraught with anxiety about it. So we nicknamed her Fran Tick. " +31288,0,"Economist Meets Broker An economist met with a broker the other day. ""Welcome!"" said the broker. ""Howdy!"" replied the economist. ""Would you be interested in one of our vehicles?"" said the broker. ""Vehicle? I can't drive!"" said the economist ""No. I mean financial vehicle!"" Then the broker reached under his cabinet to pull out some paper work. ""Very funny!"" said the economist. ""Is there a discount?"" ""Yes! We have a discount rate on each of our investment vehicles!"" said the broker, dismally. ""Oh..."" ""You just need to sign this contract! Don't worry. It'll be quick!"" The economist left in search of a real vehicle which offered a real discount and had no contract!" +31289,1,Last year for Christmas I got a sweater... This year for Christmas I want a squirter +31290,0,I wanted to get into the sex toy industry. So I made a casting of my dick that I sent to China to be mass produced.The dildos turned out nicely and I ordered 1 million. Unfortunately the ship with the newly made dildos sank. Now I get blamed for the micro plastic fucking up nature +31291,0,Did you hear about the crazy fight at the fish market? I heard they found two fish battered +31292,1,What do you call an Italian with no hands? Mute +31293,0,I went to a positive thinking course It was shit +31294,0,I apologize for not knowing my 90's boy bands. I was never *NSYNC with the trends. +31295,0,If at first you don't succeed don't try skydiving. +31296,7,"A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”" +31297,3,Today I really missed my Ex I think I need a better scope. +31298,2,Why was the used garlic naked? Because it had no cloves left. +31299,5,Why do women over 30 stop playing hide and seek? Because nobody is looking for them. +31300,0,How can you tell if someone has raced in a marathon? Don’t worry... they’ll tell ya! +31301,0,"Trump, the swiss and mexican presidents are on a plane The plane, overcharged, is crashing, so the pilot says:"" we should throw things to reduce the weight. The swiss president throws his watch and says:"" there's a plenty of them in my country"" The mexican president throws some chilies and says:""there's a plenty of them in my country"" Trump throws the mexican president and says:"" there's a plenty of them in my country""" +31302,1,Me: HOW COULD YOU LET YOUR EVIL BABY SHEEP ESCAPE? Sous: I hid it away with Gordon Ramsey. Me: WHERE’S THE DAMNED LAMB SOUS??!! +31303,1,"Bert walks up to Ernie and asks, ""Ernie, you want some ice cream?"" Ernie says, ""Sure, Bert!""" +31304,0,"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes the entire department to screw in a bulb after they beat, tase and shoot the bulb first." +31305,1,Why did the stripper decide not to go through with the breast augmentation surgery? Because she found out her doctor graduated from the University of Hard Knockers. +31306,2,In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle +31307,0,"But MooOOM!! - why do I have to get up this early and go to school - EVERY DAY?!? Because you’re 46 and headmaster, now get up!" +31308,1,"So I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV I then shouted, ""Hey that is mine!"" but I then realised that mine was at home polishing my shoes" +31309,3,College is like unprotected sex... Good until you get tested +31310,6,"I am so sorry reddit . . . I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." +31311,1,"I was discharged from the hospital Receptionist: Have a nice day, and come again!" +31312,0,Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For his panic attacks +31313,0,What do women call a man under 6 foot? A friend. +31314,2,"The three Paddys are running from the Russian army... They find a shed, in side they hide in three sacks. A few soldiers enter and start looking for them. They come to the first sack which paddy English man is in. One of the soldiers gives it a kick and paddy barks. The soldier says ""it's only a bag of dogs"" They come to the second sack which paddy Scottish man is in. The second soldier gives it a kick and paddy meows. The soldier says ""it's only a bag of cats"" Finally they come to the third sack which paddy irishan is in. The third soldier gives it a kick and paddy shouts ""spuds"" So the three paddys are taken to be executed. Paddy Scottish man is first and he is put up against a wall to be shot but just before the soldiers can paddy English man shouts ""tornado"". The soldiers look round and paddy Scottish man jumps the wall and escapes. The soldiers grab paddy English man and put him against the wall. Paddy Irish man gives paddy English man a knowing wink. The soldiers raise their guns and paddy Irish man shouts ""fire""" +31315,1,"An angry cell walks into a bar... Smoking a cigarette the cell orders a drink. When the barman turns around the cells were three. ""Tumor!""" +31316,0,My dick is only 3 centimeters.. From the ground +31317,0,"An old joke I heard Three men were hiking through the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a simple trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to put the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”" +31318,1,The invisible man Q:Why did the invisible man turn down the job interview? A: He couldn't see himself doing it. +31319,0,My friend overdosed on melatonin... He’s asleep forever now. +31320,1,I once got in a rap battle with a peanut. He was roasted. +31321,1,Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail is as easy as 1-2-5 +31322,2,"A roman centurion walks into a bar... ... and holds up two fingers in a V and asks ""May I have 5 beers, please?""" +31323,3,Epileptic Santa He seizures when you're sleeping +31324,1,"Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, ""I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"" The first priest says, ""I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."" ""So be it,"" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, ""Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"" ""No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."" ""In that case,"" says the second priest, ""I've always wanted to be a stud."" ""So be it,"" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. ""Will you have trouble locating them?"" He asks. ""The first one should be easy,"" says St. Peter. ""He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."" ""Why?"" asks the Lord. ""Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska.""" +31325,1,"What's the difference between a literal person and a cleptomaniac? The literal takes everything literally. The cleptomaniac takes everything, literally." +31326,1,"A German is talking to a Brazilian The German says ""Want to hear a joke,"" The Brazilian replies ""Sure,"" ""So, why was 6 afraid of 7"" ""I don't know, why?"" ""Because 7 won!""" +31327,3,"Bj at a young age. Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, ""Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, ""It reminded me of a peanut."" Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, ""Really small, was it?"" Sally replied, ""No, salty."" Mom fainted." +31328,0,How do you confuse an idiot? How do you confuse an idiot? +31329,0,Whenever I am at the sperm Bank ​I don't know why that reception lady tells me thanks for coming when I'm leaving the place! +31330,5,"A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out. One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.” “Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 times.”" +31331,0,"I participated in Submit your 10 best puns Contest, hoping one would win... ..but not one pun in ten did." +31332,0,What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged +31333,2,A good rule of thumb is It's opposable. +31334,0,What do you call a bear that likes calculus? A polar bear! +31335,2,What did the cow say to his wife when she blocked the tv? Moooove over +31336,0,I like the black and white films where nobody says anything. Interracial porn. +31337,3,"I asked a Chinese girl for her number She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629.""" +31338,3,What do you call a Muslim man's fifth wife? Harambae +31339,0,"An American, a German, and an Indian are using a public restroom... An American man, a German man, and an Indian man are using the urinals in a public restroom. The American finishes first, washes his hands thoroughly, grabs a wad of paper towels, dries his hands and says, ""I used a lot of towels because Americans do everything bigger!"" The German finishes next, washes his hands thoroughly, grabs one paper towel, dries his hands and says, ""I used just one towel because Germans are far more efficient."" The Indian finishes up last, and walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands. The American comments to the German, ""jeez, Indians are so dirty.. he didn't even wash his hands!"" The Indian man replies, ""I didn't wash my hands because Indians don't piss on their hands.""" +31340,4,Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery. Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone Edit: Thats first time I didn't see a single joke in comments. I guess battery issue is quite tricky +31341,3,Why are funerals always at 9 or 10am? I'm just not a mourning person. +31342,1,How big is a nuclear blast? *YUGE* +31343,2,"Cheesy joke: A long time ago, the Swiss was robbing a bank. Minutes after the robbery, some Blue cheese showed up on the scene, and caught the Swiss. They drew their gun and said: “Gouda hell, Swiss.” And filled him with holes, but Swiss got away." +31344,4,We should give credit to the number 2. It became a prime number against all odds. +31345,0,I asked my dad for $20. He said:“$20? What the hell do you need $10 for? Here‘s $5. And share it with your sister.“ +31346,3,"Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one. He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem. But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be damned if he didn't let himself have a good time. Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, ""Hair-lip"". Well Timmy saw past her stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom. He marched up to her and said, ""Sally, I've been seeing you around for a while, and, well... Would you like to go to the dance with me?"" Sally's eyes lit up and she responded, ""Would I!"" Timothy said, ""Hair-lip!"" and walked away." +31347,0,'Your IQ is too low to use the oral thermometer correctly' said the doctor The patient took it the wrong way +31348,2,My Girlfriend says I never listen to her Or something like that +31349,6,"What is long, hard and has cum in it.....? A cucumber" +31350,0,I'm all for gay marriage... ...as long as they are the same race. Source: Dave Attell +31351,1,"Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door. ""It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood,"" he says, "" I've decided to let you all go"". Almost everyone cries out with joy and begin to stand up when all of the sudden a man in the back of the room chimes in and says ""sorry but we don't celebrate Christmas""." +31352,2,"IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords. Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use." +31353,1,Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing +31354,2,Want to know how dark my humor is? It picks cotton +31355,0,"Our dining room table is abnormally long... I sit one one end and my father sits on the other. My mother made us all a Sunday roast however the potatoes were a little under-seasoned. My father asked me to slide him the salt n' pepper but I couldn't work out how to get it all the way across the table. I asked my dad for advice and he said: ""Push it, push it real good""" +31356,6,Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. +31357,6,"Police officer: ""Can you identify yourself, sir? Driver pulls out his mirror and says: ""Yes, it's me." +31358,0,Why do rabbis prefer windows over mac? Windows has a built in snipping tool! +31359,1,"A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license. The guy says sorry I never got my drinking license. Have you been drinking? No, but when I do, they ask for my drivers license." +31360,3,Im a magician and I can make ANYTHING dissappear. Im a magician and I can make dissappear. +31361,1,"There's 2 statues in a dark room, what did one statue say to the other statue? Is statue? " +31362,0,What did the banana say to the hippo? Nothing bananas can't talk. +31363,1,Do you want to invest with me into a chiropractic center? It will be a joint venture +31364,9,Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. +31365,1,"An old russian joke A train packed with passengers is going from Moscow to Petersburg. Two men happen to be in the same section, one on the to shelf, one on the bottom. The one sleeping on the bottom shelf wakes up because of a terrible stench. He realizes large pieces of shit are falling on him from the top shelf. He tries to dodge them, secreaming at the top of his voice: -Mister! Sir! Wake up, you shit yourself while sleeping! The guy on the top shelf nonchalantly turns over to face the victim and says: -I am not sleeping." +31366,0,My joke list Please and thank you for suggesting this Caller: operator operator call me an ambulance Operator: okay you are an ambulance What did one ghost say to another. I'm sorry I just don't believe in people How does Bill Gates enter his house? He uses windows What's the quickest way to double your money? Folded in half What do snowmen call their offspring. Chill-dren +31367,2,"A woman was giving birth... Her husband asked the doctor,""Is there any way I can reduce her pain doc?"" The doctor said,""Well yes,we have a new machine which transfer's the mother's pain to the father.However,it will hurt a lot."" The man says,""Do it doctor."" So the doctor connected the machine to the man and the woman. He said,""We'll start slow. Only 20% of the pain will be transferred."" So the doctor starts,the man feels no pain. The man tells the surprised doctor to increase it to 30%. The same happens till the doctor increases it to 100%. The child is finally born. The doctor was completely shocked. The man goes home with his wife. As they were about to reach home,they see the postman lying dead on the porch." +31368,1,"Guy1: Hey mate Guy2: Nah, it's not my mating season yet" +31369,4,"If I ever get fat... I'm gonna post before and after photos on the internet. I'll just flip them, so everyone tells me how amazing I used to look. " +31370,2,I used to eat alot of natural foods. Until I found out that many people die of natural causes. +31371,4,What is Al-Qaeda’s favorite football team? The New York Jets +31372,1,"A guy walks down the side walk at midnight and sees another guy looking for something on the ground. First guy: What are you looking for? Do you need any help? Second guy: Sure, one of my contact lenses fell out. First guy: Where were you standing where it fell? Second guy: The other side of the road. But the street lights on that side are down and I can't see a thing. (haven't seen it posted yet, my mom told it to me when I was a kid)" +31373,1,Did you know that fetuses could absorb each other in the womb? It is survival of the fetus +31374,1,"Trump: ""La La Land did win the Oscar for Best Film"" ""...if you ignore the millions who voted illegally for Moonlight""" +31375,0,I’ve never trusted a mirror.. They’re always so two-faced. +31376,0,"I needed an X-Ray on my wrist, and I couldn't go to the hospital. So I went to the Airport. " +31377,0,"Lorde ran an Instagram account devoted to onion ring reviews If she branched out to potatoes, would she be Lorde of The Fries" +31378,4,I drove past a billboard promoting Niagara Falls as the tallest waterfall in the world... Turns out it was falls advertising. +31379,0,Why was Mom upset with Santa? He *came* early this year. +31380,2,"Frustrated Class Finals A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.’" +31381,4,5 minutes into watching willy wonka and the chocolate factory and I'm craving chocolate This is why I can't watch breaking bad +31382,0,"This joke is only for today in light of the current chaos in Turkey: So as the last flight into Turkey airspace is let in .. ... It is an American Airlines flight carrying Americans when a fat one looks at the coup below and goes - "" Wow, this is so great. There is some sort of festival going on"". The one at the back of the seat chimes in: ""It is going to be a great party"" .. next one: ""Party of 2016, yay Turkey"". Another tells in Kentucky accent: ""I did not even research this .. am so damn lucky to get into this festival"". And then the flight lands." +31383,3,Never stare at a dog with a prosthetic foot... ...it's a faux paw. +31384,3,I support the CIA. I bought a Samsung tv. +31385,0,Her: Am I ugly? Me: God made no one ugly her: Aww thank you Me: Who the hell made you?! +31386,6,what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music mount rushmore +31387,1,Where do kids with ADHD go during summer break? Concentration camp. +31388,2,Flat-earthers have only one fear. Getting buried too deep. +31389,0,What did the mathematician kill himself with? A hypotenoose +31390,0,Did you hear about the new IT movie? I heard IT made a killing +31391,1,"Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. But never expect this! Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. ""What's wrong?"" man asks. ""Never been kissed before"" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy. Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. ""What's wrong?"" man asks. ""Never been wined and dined before"" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. ""What's wrong?"" Asks man. ""Never been f**ked before"" says girl. So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... ""Well you're f**ked now""" +31392,0,What has 9 arms & sucks........ Def Lepard. +31393,1,"If you poop your pants, it’s not just a shitty situation. It’s a fecal matter." +31394,7,When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent. +31395,1,How would a feminist end their prayers? A(wo)men +31396,0,I was contemplating suicide but a Buddhist friend told me it was merely a temporary solution to a permanent problem. +31397,2,"What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces? A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces" +31398,3,There are 10 types of people in this world Those that understand binary. The eight types that don't give a fuck. And those that expected this to be a ternary repost. +31399,0,What sound did the train going to Auzwitz make? JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JJJEEEEEEEWW +31400,3,Whats red and bad for teeth? A brick. +31401,1,Did you hear about the woman who moved to Peru? She is such a llama queen. +31402,0,With all this rioting and and protest in Catalonia the situation is getting pretty... ...Messi +31403,1,What did Darth Vader do when his iTunes stopped responding? He force quit. +31404,1,My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice. Two Lips from Amsterdam. +31405,0,Why did the gas chamber attack the Fine Brothers To create a reaction +31406,1,Do you know where horses go to get there teeth checked out? The horse-odontist +31407,4,My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator... But now it’s just water under the fridge... +31408,2,"Ancient Jewel Here's an ancient jewel of a riddle; it's been entertaining people for centuries: What is greater than God, worse than the devil, and if you eat it, you die?" +31409,1,"A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells ""Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!""" +31410,4,"During my check-up I asked the Doctor, ""Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"" He replied, ""I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."" I said, ""I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."" He replied, ""Neither do I. My old thermometer just broke.""" +31411,1,"What do we want? ""Time travel!"" ""When do we want it?"" ""It's irrelevant!""" +31412,0,You: Hi! Stranger: Big tits? You: Yeah Stranger: What size? You: Huge Stranger: You happy with them? You: Not really Stranger: Why not? You: im a guy Stranger has disconnected. +31413,2,"What does weed and the Quran have in common? If you burn either one, you'll get stoned." +31414,0,"Amazing how you can get such big number from small one with help of exponents Guess, I'd have to say, That's the power of exponentiation." +31415,2,"An Airforce Pilot, Army Engineer, and Marine crash land in the rainforest. They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the chief of the tribe. The chief says they are going to eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they can choose their own method of death. The pilot shoots himself with his sidearm, and the engineer asks for some fast acting poison. Now, the Marine thinks for a while, and finally he asks for a fork. Even though the chief is confused, he is a man of his word and gives him a fork. When the Marine begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over with the fork the chief asks ""What in the everliving fuck are you doing?"" To which the Marine replies ""FUCK YOUR CANOES!""." +31416,2,What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut you racist! +31417,2,How high was the man's scream when his penis was crushed by a piano? It was probably about a D-Flat +31418,2,How do you know when you should stop eating? When you start wearing the same bra size as your wife. +31419,2,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me more than 3 minutes to get hard, I just got laid this morning." +31420,2,"Man comes running home to his wife He says ""Wife! Wife! I've won the lottery - pack your things!"" Wife says ""Oh my god! What should I pack? Summer or Winter clothes?"" Guy says ""Don't care - just FUCK OFF!""" +31421,2,Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucification? CrossFit. +31422,1,Yesterday I went to the zoo and was sad to see a baguette in a cage... The zookeeper told me it was ok though because it was bread in captivity. +31423,0,What did Boba Fett do when a restaurant ran out of his favorite drink? He threw a boba fit +31424,0,"The police tried to raid a food smuggling operation today. Unfortunately, they only managed to Caesar salad." +31425,0,"Making Cakes There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says ""Mummy, what are they doing?"". The mother hesitates then quickly replies ""Ummm they are making cakes"". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother ""Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"". Shocked, the Mother says ""how do you know?"" She says, ""Because I licked the icing off the sofa"". " +31426,1,What temperature do you need to kill a boomer? 0 K +31427,7,TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money. Kept hitting on 17. +31428,0,"Sorry kids, you won't get your Christmas gifts in time this year. Santa is with Amazon Logistics now." +31429,1,Why are gametes so popular? Because sex sells! +31430,1,I freak out when people wave their hand in the air But it's like they dont even care +31431,4,"A man was stranded on a desert island... ...for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: ""Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!” Girl: ""Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"" Man: ""It's been ten years!"" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: ""Oh, thank you so much!"" Girl: ""So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"" Man: ""It's been ten years"" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: ""Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle""! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, ""So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"" The man looked at her and said excitedly: ""Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!""" +31432,0,Why did I stop reading M.C Escher books on the bus? Because I always get weird stairs +31433,5,"My doctor said don't eat anything fatty... I said ""what do you mean? Fries, steak, dessert?"" He said ""No fatty. Don't eat anything.""" +31434,1,"I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine.""" +31435,2,"A woman passes away, and all her friends and family gather for a lovely funeral service. As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies, again. They have another funeral for her and when it’s finished the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for the wall!""" +31436,3,"If someone asks you to spell part backwards, don’t. It’s a trap." +31437,1,"Joseph and Mary are having a romp in the hay. Mary says, ""what if I get pregnant, what will I tell them?"" Joseph replies, ""you will think of something.""" +31438,0,What's the difference between a Jew and Jewels? Jewels have 3 extra letters. +31439,1,Why can't women drive? Because cars don't fit in the kitchen. +31440,0,"A man is talking to 3 catholic priests They are in a quiet room together with the man, The man tells them to leave the room IF they have molested a child. After this, 2 of the priests leave the room with only the 1 remaining, then the man yells ""TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YA!""" +31441,1,"A guy walks into a bar... ""Ow!"", he screams. It was a metal bar." +31442,4,TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia... Oops...wrong sub +31443,2,"I am your father... Is a more polite way of saying ""I fucked your mother.""" +31444,2,My girlfriend wanted a traditional wedding; Guess I didn't offer her father enough goats. +31445,1,What's the most popular kind of music in the Czech Republic? Prague Rock +31446,2,Why don't chickens wear pants? Because their pecker is on their face. +31447,7,Where is happiness made? At the satisfactory. +31448,0,"What did the eye say to the nose when asked to smell something? “Eyes don’t nose” Be gentle, my seven year old inspired the joke" +31449,6,My mailman got gender reassignment surgery. Now he's a post man +31450,4,Bob told me he could never kill an animal. He's more of a people person. +31451,3,So my lesbian sister and her girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday... And they got me a Rolex watch I’m pretty sure they didn’t understand what I meant when I said I wanna watch... +31452,1,What makes a pupper rare? You don't cook it as long +31453,1,"A young boy is jogging away from school, with tears running down his eyes, sobbing. He enters a house and... Says ""Mom! Mom! Evrryone in my school keeps calling me distracted"" The woman replies ""They are probably right my boy because your house is on the other side of the street""" +31454,3,What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending. +31455,1,What's better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being disabled. +31456,4,My wife and i were very happy for twenty years.. but then we met each other. +31457,0,I’m Mexican and French I guess I’m a m.f +31458,7,After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years. But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it. +31459,0,Dad jokes are like an island off the coast of Italy. They are so Sicily. +31460,3,"When I was little, they all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. No one is laughing now." +31461,8,"When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company" +31462,2,"You’ve been cordially invited to the exclusive, super secret, society of masturbators... Please come alone." +31463,9,What's the difference between Thailand and America? Thailand reunites boys with their families. +31464,0,What do you call the news from last week? The olds. +31465,7,"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell. " +31466,1,I've got the same ambitions as an astronaut... I wanna be the first one to explore Uranus. +31467,2,"Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests. A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting ""Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"" Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#. As they finish the little man is still jumping up and down shouting ""Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"". Perturbed but determined to impress, Stevie leads the band into another 5 minute jam in C minor. As they come to a close the little man shouts again ""No! Pray a Jazz Chord!"" Pissed off at this point Stevie shouts at the little man telling him if he thinks he can do better to come up an play himself! The little man climbs up on stage and sits at the piano, and as he starts to play he sings: ""A jazz chord, to say, I ruuuuv youuuuu"" " +31468,2,Why can't Donald Trump finish a book? He can never make it past Chapter 11. +31469,2,How did one pothead greet the other? High +31470,0,What do you call someone who hates amputees? Lactose Intolerant +31471,0,"Why did Michael Jackson prefer Asian toilets to the American ones? All asian toilets have, "" Bideeets, bideeets, bideeets, bideeets, no one wants to use the T P""" +31472,0,How do you know Forrest Gump was a Bruce Springsteen fan? Because he was Born to Run +31473,0,How do you get a Southern girl to put something in her mouth? Put some ranch on it +31474,0,What's 11 & 2? The Cowboys +31475,1,Are you the medulla? Because you make my heart beat. +31476,0,I wish my TV had the WiFi feature Where it notifies me that I was supposed to be doing something she's giving me that look again. +31477,2,My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records The library lady then told me it was indecent to place my dick in between a book. +31478,2,"Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it. There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, ""All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."" The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, ""Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."" So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, ""Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen. " +31479,2,"What's in between moms legs dad, said Johnny. Ahh..... its heaven son, said the father. And in between yours father? The key to heaven son. Well... said Johnny. You should replace your key cause the neighbor has one. " +31480,1,"I call my cell phone ""privilege"" Because I never check it" +31481,1,What do you call a group of dolphins that move according to the moons gravity? A Tide pod +31482,5,"Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.... Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, ""Why are you arguing?"" One boy answers, ""We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."" ""You should be ashamed of yourselves,"" said the teacher, ""When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher." +31483,1,I once got a summer job to grade the county gravel roads. I got fired when I started flunking all the roads for being too bumpy. +31484,0,"RC Cola and Hydrox walk into a bar. The bartender says ""Sorry, I cannot serve you"". Confused, Hydrox and RC Cola ask in a more discrete manner. The bartender still refuses to serve them. Frustrated, RC Cola and Hydrox walk out of the bar. They soon walk in again, posing as cocacola and oreo, respectively. The bartender sighs, ""I still can't serve you!"" RC Cola and Hydrox yell ""WHY?"" in disbelief. The bartender replies ""Sorry, I don't believe in alternative snacks.""" +31485,1,What did the cow say to the dog? Moo. +31486,1,What do you call a CRAZY professor? An academia nut. +31487,7,"The husband of the woman next door died. The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her home. The neighbors next door politely ignored her crying, trying their best to respect her grieving. However, their seven year old son was perplexed by her behavior. One day, while waiting for the bus, the boy saw the widow doing her usual wailing. Overcome with curiosity, he walked over to her and tugged on her sleeve. ""Ma'am, why are you sad?"" She looked at him, wiping tears from her eyes. ""My dear husband passed away."" ""Yes, but why are you always crying this early in the day?"" ""I guess I'm just a mourning person."" " +31488,0,"Hello Reddit, serious question here. Why do you never upvote my jokes? I mean, the joke I write has been posted many times before and you upvoted all those, what's wrong when I post the exact same joke a couple hours later? It's the same joke!" +31489,0,What does a crab and Christmas have in common? Sandy Claws +31490,3,"A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse. A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks ""What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"" Man says ""Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."" Passer by helps him out ""Now will you tell me?"" Man says ""Help me get it up to the 5th floor of this building and I'll tell you."" So the guy helps him. They get to the 5th floor, ""How about now? Dying to know"" ""Help me get it into apartment 55 and I'll tell you"" They proceed in carrying the dead carcass into the apartment. ""Come on man tell me, I've helped you!"" ""One final thing, help me carry it into the bathtub and after that I promice I'll tell you everything"" They carry it into the bathtub. Both exhausted collapse on the couch. The man goes: ""Ok my new found friend, here it is. Couple nights ago I was sitting relaxed watching the game, having a beer when the door bell rings. I go and open the door, lo and behold, it's the Devil. He says to me that he wants to come in and play a game of chess"". ""And?!?!"" ""And we started playing. I move my rook he says ""I knew you would move the rook"". I don't say anything, he's the Devil so I continue playing. I take his queen, he says ""I knew you would take my queen. I checkmate him he goes ""I knew you would checkmate me."" That's where I snapped and punched him in the face. He gets up from his chair, goes to the bathroom, washes his face, bids me good night and leaves."" ""Wow man, crazy story but what's the horse got to do with it?"" ""Just wait man I'm not finished. Last night, same story. Knock on the door, I open it, it's the Devil. Wants to play chess again. Identical game. I move my rook he says ""I knew you would move the rook"". I don't say anything, he's the Devil so I continue playing. I take his queen, he says ""I knew you would take my queen. I checkmate him he goes ""I knew you would checkmate me."" That's where I snapped and punched him in the face. He gets up from his chair, goes to the bathroom, washes his face, bids me good night and leaves."" ""Ok man I get you, never heard a story like this, BUT WHAT DOES THE HORSE HAVE TO DO WITH IT?!"" ""Listen up friend. Here's what it has to do with it. I betcha the A-hole will come knocking on my door tonight too, and I betcha he'll want to play chess again. And I'll betcha he'll do his same old routine again, and of course I'll snap and punch the living bejezus out of him, and he'll go again to the bathroom to wash his face, but when he comes out he'll say ""You have a dead horse in your bathtub"", and I'll say ""I KNEW YOU'D SAY I HAD A DEAD HORSE IN MY BATHTUB YOU TWIT!!!"" ​ Edit: Typos" +31491,0,I went to the doctor the other day and asked him if he had anything for my bad wind He gave me a kite +31492,0,The Russian Olympic curling team has announced big adjustments to their Rio 2016 strategy. They've made sweeping changes. +31493,2,A woman goes to get a tattoo The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey. Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. +31494,1,Offensive jokes are not cool I still rate them 9/11 even though they're gonna blew up +31495,0,What do you call a gay elephant from the 1960s? Qu-irrelevant *Edit: Say it aloud +31496,1,What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly? Toot uncommon +31497,1,Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor +31498,0,"Can you take constructive criticism well? No, no you cannot." +31499,4,"Bought a Russian car... The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, ""Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!""" +31500,1,I sent my kids to a Youth in Asia camp. Still waiting for them to tell me they've arrived. +31501,4,"A curious little girl A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: ""That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: ""My monkey has grown hair."" Her sister smiled and said: ""That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.""" +31502,0,Yo momma's so fat She's got more chins than Chinatown. +31503,1,Why do young doctors live alone? Because they're doctors without boarders. +31504,1,"Sunday and Monday in different times If the sun has risen on Sunday, then it's just Sunday. If the sun has set on Sunday, then it will be just day, not Sunday. But if it's 12 am on Sunday, Sunday will be now Moonday." +31505,2,I used to work at a trampoline factory It had its ups and downs +31506,5,My brother threw a milk carton at me How dairy +31507,0,"Astronomy is fun! Fun fact. Recently, we learned that a star called S5-HVS1 from the constellation Grus was ejected from the galactic core 5 million years ago by the blackhole at the center of the Milky Way, Sagittarius A\\*. That star has been measured as traveling 3.7 million mph which is roughly .5% of the speed of light. To put it in context, 3.7 million mph is roughly 5.5 million feet per second, and the earth is 41 million feet (8k miles) in diameter. So if S5-HVS1 were to zoom by the earth, it would only take it less than 8 seconds to zip by the earth. That would be the fastest we have ever seen a fiery star leave our earth since Paul Walker." +31508,0,"Mr. Rogers quote... [meta] When I was a boy I would see funny jokes on my newsfeed, my mother would say to me, “Look at the comments, you will always find more funny jokes there.” -stolen from a rando meme (Replace [jokes] with [memes] for the original.)" +31509,0,What do you want on your pizza but not your pussy? Crust. +31510,3,"9/11 No joke, but a couple thousand people fell for it" +31511,2,"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was cast in a movie about famous composers? ""I'll be Bach.""" +31512,1,People are like doorknobs to nowhere Everyone gets a turn to be disappointed +31513,6,What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F. +31514,5,"A billionaire was celebrating his 50th birthday At party he grabbed a mic and said ""There are 2 sharks in my swimming pool, if one of you can swim from one side to the other I'll give him whatever he asks for"" No one dared to jump in the water until suddenly everyone heard a splash and saw a man swimming as fast as he could. The man actually made it to the side and the billionaire rushed to congratulate him. The billionaire said ""you can ask for anything, my money, my car or even my wife!"" The man said ""I don't want your money or car, I just want to know who was that son of a bitch who shoved me in the water""" +31515,0,"Iran had isolated themselves... So much so that over time they became less humanoid. One day they opened their gates to the world and an American came. When he saw an Iranian he in horror cried "" Are you even a Per-sian!""" +31516,0,Why did Mike Dukakis lose the 1998 Presidential election? He TANKED his campaign! +31517,1,How does a squid start a war? Well-armed +31518,4,"[NSFW] One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love... All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, ""Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, ""Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit"". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said ""OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."" The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said ""Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."" So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, ""I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper"". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, ""Oh doctor, doctor!"" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. ""Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: ""Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!""" +31519,0,"Me: ""Dad, how did you learn to live with that fungus?"" Dad: ""it grows on you""" +31520,2,"I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car, so I walked over to him. I said, ""Try mine, yours are looking a little blunt.""" +31521,1,Where do nuns and priests swim on their vacation? Celebes Sea. +31522,1,What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists? Rise up lights +31523,4,How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. Because we are efficient but have no sense of humor. +31524,3,It’s raining cats and dogs outside! I stepped in a poodle. +31525,0,"A friend of mine works at a brewery and he gets 20 cases of beer each month as a perk. So I asked him ""What about the rest?"" and he answered ""Well I buy it at the store, like everyone else.""" +31526,2,What do you call 2 dogs with no legs on a leash? A drag race +31527,3,"Little Johnny is hanging out with the older kids at school When one of them starts talking about his ex girlfriend and calls her a cunt. Little Johnny has never heard that word before. Later at home, he tells his mother about the older kid calling his ex girlfriend a cunt. Johnny asks his mom, what is a cunt? Little Johnny's mother doesn't want anything to do with this and tells him to ask his father about that nastiness. Johnny goes out to the garage where his father is and tells him about the older kid calling his ex girlfriend a cunt. Dad, what is a cunt? Johnny's dad grabs a Playboy from off the shelf in the garage and opens it up to the centerfold. He takes a pen and makes a circle around the playmate's vagina. I see, says Little Johnny pointing at the circle, that's a cunt. No, says his dad, a cunt is everything outside the circle." +31528,1,Multi-lingual joke Did Jesus rice from the dead on Easter morning? No he *arroz* Came up with this in my high school Spanish class. Teacher said I will make a great padre someday. I can't even play baseball. :/ +31529,1,"Math v2 Math, the only place where you can eat 7 out of the 8 pieces of pizza at the table without anyone asking if you're okay" +31530,8,I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. +31531,0,How can you tell if you are in a ring of fire? When you reach for the Preparation-H but accidentally grab the Ben-gay! +31532,1,Don't kill your dreams Execute them. +31533,1,"Mercury curiously approaches the Sun with a question: ""What kind of planet are you?"" I'm not not a planet,"" the Sun replies. Amazed and confused Mercury inquires, ""Then what are you? An asteroid? A *comet*?"" Already tired of the conversation, the Sun replies curtly, ""I'm a motherfuckin' star, boi.""" +31534,1,"In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out The commander asked: ""What is the meaning of this Henry?"" Henry replied: ""A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'""" +31535,1,Here is your Honor Roll certificate. Only 90s kids will get this. +31536,9,"I Asked My Wife For The Rake I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?” She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?” I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure and said, “What?”. I repeated the gestures: “EYE KNEE THE RAKE”. My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?” She replied, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”" +31537,0,Where does a Cow fart from? It’s “Dairy-air”. +31538,2,What is satan's favourite chemical? Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons +31539,0,"A Kenyan guy, an English guy and a Pakistani where walking through the jungle. They come a cross a river which they decide to wade across. As they reach the middle they realise it’s infested with crocodiles. The Kenyan and the English guy are eaten alive but the Pakistani got away because he was too spicy" +31540,1,I was surprised while watching the presidential debate last night... I didn't know my TV had the comedy channel. +31541,0,why couldn't the Japanese fighter pilots fight? because they had ZERO FIGHTER PLANES!!!! +31542,0,"How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to hold the light bulb, and two to spin the ladder." +31543,0,"A young man is captured by a primitive tribe in the jungle. They take him to their village and throw him to the ground after beating him up, tying his legs together with some rope. Soon later, an old man is dragged and thrown next to him. ""Seems like we're both done for, son, aren't we?"", says the old man. The young man looks at him confused and asks him: ""Well if they wanted to kill us, why don't they just go ahead and do it already? They must be preparing some sort of ritual with these drums and instruments."" The old man laughs and says: ""Well those drums are all that remained of my companions. And we're close to facing the same fate now. That skin on our head is gonna make perfect drums for them!"" The young man remembers he had a pocket knife he could use to save himself and the old man from a sinister end. He quickly stands up, grabs his knife, and shouts: ""IF ANY OF YOU SAVAGES TAKES ONE STEP CLOSER, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL TEAR THE DRUM!""" +31544,0,"UK Community mourns goose killed in Drive By Shooting (Long and not funny) Residents of Sandon Essex were devastated upon hearing ill news regarding their beloved Town Goose. Early Sunday morning, the Goose, properly named Agatha, had been shot eleven times in a drive by shooting. Towns Folk carried on to social media to share loving stories of their time with the town goose. Almost all of the Villagers gathered near the gooses favorite lake, and sang her favorite songs as she was lowered into the ground the properly rest. Police have very little to say on the matter. They suspect some form of Fowl play, but are being very reclusive on any major details. " +31545,3,"A teacher was correcting exams from his students. When he saw the exam of Joe, a student he hated, he gave him 0% without even reading his exam and wrote at the bottom: ""Stupid! Dumbass!"" When Joe received his copy, he was so shocked he went straight to the teacher's office and said: ""Sir, you didn't even read my exam. All I see is a 0% with your name and signature at the bottom.""" +31546,2,I like my coffee like I like my slaves Free +31547,1,My wife left me because I broke her expensive Vase. It happened right after she caught me in bed with her sister. +31548,2,Did you hear about the new lawyer themed sushi restaurant that opened up the other day? It's called Sosumi. +31549,0,"Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other ""Man, it's hot in here!"" The other muffin says ""HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN?!?!""" +31550,4,"A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, ""What's wrong?"" She says, ""My mom died."" He told her to go home, but she said, ""No, I'll be fine."" Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, ""What's wrong?"" She replies, ""I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!""" +31551,4,What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle? Optimistic +31552,0,People who still believe in time travel are really dumb imo Like get over it it’s 2016 +31553,2,I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. +31554,1,What is read at a female dog’s funeral? An obitchuary. +31555,0,Three elected politicians formed a band. They're called MP3. +31556,4,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None +31557,0,Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize? He was out standing in his field. +31558,1,"The hare and the tortoise The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark. The hare figured that his fur would keep him warm, so he decided to keep going north through Scandinavia, assuming it'd get too cold for the tortoise who would give up. The tortoise had everything he needed stored in his shell, so he was prepared for the cold since the shell was his home. They eventually get to Sweden, and the hare is struggling. He doesn't want to risk falling asleep this time, so he decides to hitch hike in a lorry. The lorry is headed to the ferry port towards St Petersburg. The next day on the ferry, the Hare receives a text message from the tortoise saying he's won, and asking where the hare is. Confused as they still have the rest of Europe to cover, the hare asks for proof. The tortoise replies back with a picture of himself at Harparanda with the caption: ""see? I'm at the Finnish line!""" +31559,2,What do you get if Woolworths burns down? Coles +31560,4,"Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success." +31561,0,"Went to I,m going to hell, to see the carnage. CATastrophic" +31562,1,How do you ask a Hispanic gay person how they’re doing? Homo estas? +31563,1,Which scientist invented the nuclear powered floor cleaner? J. Robert Moppenheimer +31564,2,What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He can't come anyways. +31565,2,Superheroes You know I don't like this PC movement that wants to include every minority possible. It's like having a half black half hispanic transgender asexual wonder woman that's also a reptile. I'd call her the mexican black TAR heroine. +31566,0,"My first aid trainer died today... His last words were ""TURN TO PAGE EIGHT!!!""" +31567,2,"A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby” So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you wearing those ever again!”" +31568,0,"One day, Hitler was in front of a very, very high wall. On top of that wall, there were 3 cells, each one containing one jew. Hitler ordered his men to open the cells. He posed in a very uncommon way, and said to the jew in the first cell: ""You! Jump in the way I am now!"" The jew posed the same way as him, jumped, and, obviously, died. Hitler posed uncommonly again, and said to the jew in the second cell: ""You! Jump in the way I am now!"" The jew also posed the same way, jumped, and died. Just when he was about to pose and order the third jew to jump, one of his soldiers said: ""Mein Fuhrer, the phone is ringing, it's for you."" Hitler answered: ""Sorry, I can't right now, I'm playing Tetris.""" +31569,1,"My neighbour rang my doorbell at 2 am... I got out of bed, opened the door and he asked me: ""Do you have garlic?"" I searched the kitchen, but with no luck. So I told him: ""No, I don't have garlic."" and closed the door. After an hour or so I managed to get asleep again. Then the neighbour rang the doorbell again at 4 am, when I managed to get out of bed and opened the door he said: ""Here's the garlic...""" +31570,1,Funny Fact Always happens to me : Study for one hour no one sees . But pick up mobile just for a second and MOM/DAD enters the room +31571,3,You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling? Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn? +31572,3,Ideas that aren't profitable Don't make any cents +31573,1,"A Newfie walking around A Newfie is walking around with his new pair of shoes but only one is tied. He trips and a guy goes to him and says “you need to tie your other shoe”” the Newfie responds with “it’s fine I know what I’m doing”. After walking for a bit longer the Newfie trips again, the same guy says “you really should tie your other shoe” the Confused Newfie says “but I read the bottom of the shoe and it says Taiwan”" +31574,0,"I was thinking of naming my children similar names.. But I didn't want them to be the same, so I named my first son Geoff and my second son Jeff." +31575,0,I spent the night in a dark forest last night. I'm still not out of the woods yet. +31576,3,"Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent. He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes. ""My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Bayside of Blackwater Sound"". The lawyer and the children are astounded as they had no idea of his extensive holdings. As Doug slips away, the lawyer says ""Sarah, your husband must have been a hard working and shrewd man to have accumulated all of this property!"". The wife replies, ""Property? The asshole had a paper route.""." +31577,0,Criticizing has too many i’s in it. No word needs that many i’s. +31578,0,"My friend and his girlfriend just got a puppy . They're a progressive couple, so they gave their dog a gender neutral name. Now the thing thinks it can just go to the bathroom wherever it wants. " +31579,5,"A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For Sex A boss said to his secretary I Want to have sex with you and I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it, I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the  money Very fast. So he Wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, What happened? She responds, “The Bastard used coins!”" +31580,0,i’ve got a whole lot of vacuum jokes but i won’t tell y’all cause they suck +31581,0,Q: Why are all speleologists condemned to Hell? A: Because they want to be. +31582,2,How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.. +31583,1,Reddit Plays Hansel vs Dark Bader In Stars that are at conflict with entropy. That is my story. A story from a great deal long time that has since been passed... The Stars before Time. +31584,4,Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side. +31585,4,"[meeting gf’s parents] **Her:** *(quietly)* don’t tell my dad about us having sex he’ll freak out about me getting pregnant **Her Dad:** Hey man, you coming inside? **Me:** *[visibly panicking]* Whaaat... Nooo, I-I would never." +31586,5,Loyalty is very important for my wife… My girlfriend doesn’t care. … … Funny how different sisters can be. +31587,3,"The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War. These quadricopters are going to be named ""Strikekirts"", which reads the same forwards and backwards. Why? It's because they are Palindrones." +31588,0,What does Captain Marvel call her vibrator? Captain DC +31589,0,Why do Jews watch porn backwards? They love the scene where the hooker gives the money back. +31590,0,"If I ever got citizenship to Switzerland, I'd go straight to Turkey... I'd finally be in Turkey *and* Swiss." +31591,0,"Hippity and Hoppity were great race horses... They raced for 4 years, and it seemed that every time Hippity won, Hopptiy would win the next race. They were great rivals and friends, and when they were both put out to pasture to stud they were put in the same field so they could remain friends. After a month or so of sewing their wild oats, Hippity sauntered up to Hoppity and said, ""Hey man, something's been bugging me, and I don't mean these horseflies biting are asses every day!!"". Hoppity replied, ""Man, those bastards hurt! And what kind of god creates a fly specifically to torment us!! But seriously, what's eating you bud?"". Hippity replied, ""Well, after all these years, all those races, did you know we ended up in a tie? In total wins?"". Hoppity said, ""What??!! I had no idea! That's crazy!"". So Hippity says, ""Well, I love you bro, but I want to know, once and for all, who the better horse is."". Hoppity, in return, ""Well hell yeah, me too!! So how do you propose we do this?"". Hippity says, ""Well, I think we back our asses up to that fence right over there, and we count it down and sprint over to that fence right over there, and whoever gets there first is the best of us."". Hoppity says, ""Let's do it."". Unbeknownst to Hippity and Hoppity, the farm dog, an Australian Shepherd who had been eavesdropping on their conversation, decided to help them out. He trotted up to the fence and said, ""Hey you two! I heard what's going on, and I figure that you two old blind bastards won't be able to tell who wins this race, so I'll stand over there at the other fence and with my keen vision I'll let y'all know who wins the race. Sound good?"". With that, Hippity says to Hoppity, ""Hey man, check it out, a talking dog!""." +31592,2,Sinks can’t open doors Let that sink in +31593,1,"I have a job offer for you, and I will pay you huge sums for it. All you have to do is tie up my poop I shit, you knot" +31594,3,I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye. Now I have heinzsight +31595,3,Did you hear about Helen Keller's dating life? because I heard she wasn't seeing anyone +31596,7,"I'm a virgin by choice. Not my choice, but everyone else's." +31597,3,What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive? Popeye got Pissed +31598,5,Why are christians not able to do trigonometry? Because Jesus took away their sin. +31599,0,I've never eaten a baby That I havn't let my dog get at first. +31600,0,Why did the airplane hang itself? Coz it noose dived. +31601,0,What do Greeks use to listen to music? Spartify +31602,0,How to kill a fox... Step 1: Cut off one of his legs. Step 2: Make him run across Canada. +31603,2,What's sexier than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ! +31604,1,"Two black holes are jogging in space. One says ""You should slim down to get more attractive."" ""Are you dense?"" replies the other. ​" +31605,3,Musicians really need to do something about that E minor It always gives me the E B G Bs +31606,2,Hey *hey* Hey ###Hey ##HEY #HEY! *That could feed a lot of horses* +31607,0,HMM before HMM We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun. +31608,4,Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking? It was making him moody. +31609,1,"Trump and Hillary walk into a bakery. Trump and Hillary walk into a bakery. While the owner isn't looking, Hillary steals three cakes and slips them into her pocket, whispering to Trump, ""Look at how smart I am, I stole three cakes and the owner didn't notice a thing."" Trump scoffs. ""Watch this. I can do so much better. I can eat three cakes right in the open and not even get in trouble."" He strides up to the owner and says, ""Hey guy. Gimme three cakes and I'll show you a magnificent magic trick."" Bemused, the owner agrees. Trump takes three cakes, stuffing all of them into his mouth. The owner is confused. ""When will you do the magic trick?"" Trump smirks. ""Look in Hillary's pocket.""" +31610,0,"What does a conspiracy theorist say when he breaks up with someone? ""I think we should start seeing other sheeple.""" +31611,0,"My wife just told me she was going to eat the last bit of my cereal. “I’m going to eat the rest of your Life”, she told me. “You’ve already done that”" +31612,1,One of my friends from Beijing is a huge Taylor Swift fan and asked me to suggest an album of her.. I told him to search for T.S.1989.. haven't heard from him ever since... +31613,4,I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery. +31614,1,I used to be afraid of flying in planes But nowadays I insist on one. +31615,1,Why did Hitler fail to conquer Europe? He didn't concentrate hard enough. +31616,1,Why aren't there any ducks in Portugal? They're all Portugeese +31617,1,"Do you smoke after sex? I don't think so, but I've never looked." +31618,0,What did the rain-buddy say to the other rain-buddy It’s a rainbow rain-bro +31619,2,It's not called womb in mother russia... Its uter'us' +31620,1,I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel. +31621,0,"I asked my girlfriend if she had seen my wallet. She said, “No, but keep searching it’s always in the last place you look.” But she was wrong. After I found my wallet, I kept looking." +31622,3,Efficient librarian A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’. Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’ +31623,1,What do you call a mexican barber? El Chapo +31624,0,What do you call your trans friend with brown hair? A bronette +31625,0,"A horse walks into a bar, Several people notice the potential danger in the situation and exit the bar." +31626,0,"Ted Bundy gave me a 24 karat ring... Thanks for the gold, kind strangler!" +31627,0,So a dude with two broken arms attempted to through a ball over a fence. It’s didn’t go over so well +31628,2,I wiped my ass with a piece of rope I shit you knot! +31629,0,Why did Donald Trump pay prostitutes to pee on him? I know a lot of women who would have pissed on him for free. +31630,1,What do you call a dad who sexually identifies as glass? Transparent +31631,1,"A man went to a psychiatrist... He was wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap around his waist. The psychiatrist looked at him and said “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”" +31632,1,How does James Hetfield wipe his butt? Back to the front +31633,3,I thought my dating site for chickens would make me a fortune But I'm struggling to make hens meet +31634,0,What do you call a lizzard that cant get a boner? E' reptile' dysfunction +31635,0,"I found a website with some good jokes, the first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold! 1. great 2. great 3. great 4. great 5. great 6. great 7. great 8. great 9. great 10. great 11. fucking gold." +31636,0,"Niagra falls failed navy school The Niagra falls decided they wanted to be in the navy, because they were so good with water and all, but after years of hard work they were kicked out. When they were asked why they thought they had failed that said ""no matter how hard I tried I always mist""" +31637,0,"Two chinese men walk into a bar And the barmen says, ""Why the same face?""" +31638,2,"Dad, what's your take on adoption? Well... ""son""..." +31639,3,Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals.. ..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776 +31640,0,I asked my doctor if there was any way to prevent autism... He told that there's a new vaccine for it now. +31641,0,"Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing. Boss hired a sexy secretary; 10 days later the boss committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office……. *Police:* Who was there at that time in the room? *Secretary:* I was there. *Police:* What happened? Why did he commit suicide? *Secretary:* He was a good man. One day he bought me a *fur coat* for $20,000 then he bought me a diamond *necklace* for $150,000 then he bought me a *diamond ring* for $50,000. Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge $100 a night....and he just went to the window and jumped! *Moral:* _Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing..._" +31642,1,She threw me out after discovering I had no cooked bread... She is lack-toast intolerant. +31643,5,"A priest has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. He wakes up as he's rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. ""Am I in heaven?"" asks the disoriented priest. ""No"" says one of the nurses, ""We are just taking a short cut through the children's ward""." +31644,2,I once gave my blind friend a cheese grater He said it was the most horrific book he ever read! +31645,3,"So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW I said ""Wow nice ride!"" He said ""Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!""" +31646,9,"Whoever coined the phrase ""dad-bod"" missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it ""the Father-figure""" +31647,0,"Texting your doctor Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her? Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and I’m pretty sure u need to put a stent in her left radial artery. Best of luck, Matt! Matt: Sorry, wrong number Hannah. She ended up actually getting a stent. Took about 3 hours longer for trained medical professionals to figure out what took you 3 minutes. Hannah: Yoooo, yall hiring?" +31648,1,If you hate your journey to work because you ride share and you always get stuck in a tunnel... you have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome. +31649,3,Why don’t aliens visit the solar system They look at the reviews and see it only has 1 star +31650,2,Birthday gift mother in law My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster... +31651,1,If the Earth is flat... ...then my belly is too. +31652,4,"# 343 So a guy was late for work... So a guy showed up late for work, panting heavily. His boss asked him why he came in late. The man replied: ""Well, I had a date and it ran a little late. I tried to catch the bus but missed it. I called a taxi, but then the taxi broke down. So then I rented a horse. Then, the stupid horse died in the middle of the road. I then ran the rest of the way to work and that's why I'm late"". The boss looked at the man and told him ""I'll let it slide this time, but don't be late again"". So 8 hours later it's time for the next shift to come in. Every single person comes in late, all panting heavily. The boss is furious and asks why they all came in late. They explained ""Well, we all had dates, and they ran a little late. We tried to catch the bus but missed it. We all took taxis, but they broke down before they could bring us here. We then rented horses but they died before they could finish the trip which is why we had to walk to work and that's why we are all late"". The boss doesn't believe them but lets them off with it just because he let the first guy get away with it. Now once it's time for the guy on the next shift to come in, he shows up late. His boss is furious. He says ""Let me guess, you had a date that ran late?"" The man replies: ""No. There were so many broken down taxis and dead horses in the road that it took forever to get here.""" +31653,3,This morning I saw an ad for burial plots. That's the last thing I need. +31654,1,"What did Captain Ahab say when he finally found Moby Dick? ""Whale, whale, whale, look what we have here!""" +31655,2,A Mexican serial killer killed dos people He never even left a tres +31656,0,Why did Ben survive the predator? He was Stiller. +31657,2,"Dentist: ""This is only gonna hurt a little bit ok?"" Kid patient: ""Umm ok.."" Dentist: ""I've been sleeping with your mom"" " +31658,0,What does a redneck give his lover? Hickies +31659,0,Did you hear about the incontinent tomato grower? He soiled his plants! They've never been happier. +31660,0,What do you call an abstinent camel? Humphrey +31661,0,What do you get if you cross a swede and a gypsy? A car thief who can't drive. +31662,1,"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims" +31663,1,"Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain & Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, ""two, four, six, eight, ten."" Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, ""one, three, five, seven, nine."" The scientists then said ""that's odd""" +31664,6,"I broke my finger yesterday... ... on the other hand, I'm okay." +31665,1,What's the worst thing to feel in a public restroom? Aroused +31666,0,Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? No one +31667,0,How did the US soccer team announce their squad Without Freddy Adu +31668,0,My wife divorced me when I got home from my business trip in Ghana... I drank the water and came back with Ghana-rhea. +31669,4,Why are orphans terrible at baseball? They've never known what home is. +31670,3,What do you call a shy person with a hammer? BASHful! +31671,0,Trump that bitch Look i know no body wants either of them but lets be real.. atleast its not hillary. Ready for the biggest joke of a 4 years americas ever seen though?? +31672,0,"After a few years of prostitution, a girl escaped to another profession. Beatboxing." +31673,0,Some people say the United Nations is haunted... But I don't believe in the supernational +31674,1,Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat An aerial view of a toilet lid. +31675,2,I had to fire my carpenter Turns out he was a mahoganist. +31676,1,"Three Old Ladies Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. They sit down and after a while Mary says: ""How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee."" So she gets up and gets the coffee. Some time later, old Mary says: ""How foolish of me! I haven't even offered you coffee."" So again she gets the coffee. Half an hour later, the scene repeats for the third time. Finally the two ladies say goodbye. ""Mary is acting really weird, don't you think?"" says the first one. ""All the time we spent there, she hasn't even offered us coffee!"". The second one looks at her in amazement: ""What? You've been to see Mary, and you haven't even invited me??"" " +31677,4,"Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her.... ""On what day will I die?"" The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. ""Why are you so sure of that?"" Demanded Hitler. ""Any day"" she replied ""on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.""" +31678,0,"Poopy Tic Tac on my desk... I used to work with this very strange girl who had some bizarre and unsightly habits. Eating boogers was nothing. Among other unpleasant things, she had been spotted hiding candy down the back of her pants. Some coworkers claimed to feel ""unsafe"" around her, but I generally just felt bad for the girl. But when I found a brown Tic Tac on my desk I had to report her to management. It was her ass mint. " +31679,0,"How can you always tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One of them will see you later, the other will see you after a while" +31680,0,"Tiger woods has made so much money with all his endorsements, golfing, & investments. I guess you could say He has become a real Thai-coon " +31681,0,United Airlines needs help with there PR. I suggest hiring bookies for the planes and having the passengers take bets on who will get removed. My money is on the Asian guy sitting next to me. +31682,0,How do you find a prostitute? With a whoroscope. +31683,0,What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef strokin’off. HA! +31684,1,The World Health Organization have a new motto out this year! (drum roll please) Who cares... ? +31685,0,"Tolkien once wrote a novel set in an office... It's titled, ""And My Fax""." +31686,2,How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's this obscure number you've probably never heard of. +31687,6,"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke? the man asked. ""It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined,"" she taunted." +31688,3,My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day He's in stable condition. +31689,1,Did you hear about the movie about the man who smashes kid’s toys? I hear it’s a real blockbuster +31690,2,"A black guy, a Mexican guy, and a white hillbilly are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Nevada desert. As they attempt to walk back to civilization, they come across a genie lamp. The genie pops out and offers to grant them each one wish. The black guy steps forward and says ""My people have been enslaved for centuries and oppressed for all of our history. We are treated like second-class citizens and people always assume the worst of us. My wish is that all black men, women, and children, return to Africa so we can be free of this oppression!"" The genie nods and *poof* the black man disappears. The Mexican, nodding, says ""My people, too, have been oppressed! We are also seen as second-class citizens by many Americans. We work long hours for slave wages and our culture is attacked! I wish all Mexican men, women, and children would return to Mexico where we can create a better life free of oppression!"" The genie nods and *poof* the Mexican man disappears. The white hillbilly looks around and asks the genie ""So all blacks and Mexicans have left the country?"" The genie nods. ""I wish for a diet coke.""" +31691,0,What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. +31692,1,I like my women like i like my theoretical physicists Sick and twisted +31693,0,"M: Can you name the 'dwarf planet' which was regarded as a planet? W: Ah..I need a hint. M: Okay, the name of this dwarf planet is similar to Mickey Mouse's dog. W: Goofy!!" +31694,1,Every single time I give my heart to a girl... She Brexit. +31695,0,I picked up a cow pie at the bakery yesterday It tasted like shit. +31696,3,Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired? Because she couldn't control her pupils. +31697,0,What do you call an anemic woman? A man. +31698,2,Why are constipated people so cool with everything? They don't give a shit. +31699,1,"Mr. Trump, did you know Beethoven was deaf? Trump: And how was he able to make all those movies?" +31700,2,"Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork. But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane. " +31701,0,My mom gave me head and shoulders for my dandruff +31702,0,"I told my girlfriend I'm a little hoarse... She looked at me in all seriousness and said ""aww you're a pony! Clop clop clop!"" (This actually happened yesterday.)" +31703,2,"Death or Boola Boola Three men are on an expedition in the Amazon when they are captured by a native tribe. They are bound and lined up in the central area surrounded by tents. The chief comes up to the first guy and asks ""Death or Boola Boola?"" First guy says ""well i don't know what Boola Boola is, but i don't want to die. So i choose Boola Boola."" The chief cuts his bindings and he is hauled off to the tent. Inside he sees a large native, with an exceptionally large dick. He bends over the first guy and fucks him in the ass. Outside the others hear the first guy scream really loudly, and in five minutes walk out of the tent bleeding from his ass. The chief lets him go free. The chief comes up to the second guy and asks ""Death or Boola Boola?"" Second guy says ""I don't want to die. So i choose Boola Boola."" The chief cuts his bindings and he is hauled off to the tent. Inside he sees a large native, and the same result is had. Outside the last guy hears the second guy scream really loudly, and in five minutes walk out of the tent bleeding from his ass. The chief lets him go free. The chief approaches the last guy and asks ""Death or Boola Boola?"" The last guy says ""well i have already seen what Boola Boola is, and i would rather die than have someone fuck me in the ass!"" The chief smiles and nods. ""Okay, death... by Boola Boola!""" +31704,5,"Doctor: ""All right, kid, how old are you?"" Boy: ""Turning six next month!"" Doctor: ""...and how very optimistic we are!""" +31705,1,Don’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger! +31706,0,Why did the person cross the road? Please tell me because the cops are coming +31707,0,Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill-areas +31708,0,"Two years after the death of George Michael, the cause was finally found. He choked on a chocolate bar. It was a careless Wispa" +31709,1,What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I would never pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face +31710,2,I just won a farting contest. The judges were blown away. +31711,5,I just put my root beer in a square cup. Now it is just a beer +31712,1,What do you call an Italian who faked his PhD? A copy pasta. +31713,5,"Eligibility A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of going to heaven. She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now she was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' she asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!' By this point, the teacher was simply bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' she continued, 'then how ""can* I get into Heaven?' A five-year-old boy shouted from the back, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!' " +31714,3,An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody. +31715,1,"A friend once asked me, ""If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?"" I told him: ""Cold war Russia"" " +31716,4,"To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear ""You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"" I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans....." +31717,0,What did the frying pan say to his dying father? “This will be humorous when it’s over.” +31718,2,Q: What's the difference between a Nazi and a bowling ball? A: You can't stab a bowling ball with a pitchfork. +31719,1,I'm being sexually harassed at work I'm also self employed. +31720,0,"An important document was named after a baker's dog, ""Pido"". A mental asylum patient hung himself. On that same day, a hacker deleted the important document. Pido file deleted." +31721,0,"Did I ever tell you about the time I spent working in the Netherlands, making dressing? Yeah, those were my Holland days..." +31722,2,"A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion. He is told the horse will impregnate 20-30 fermale horses. He brings the horse to his farm, but the horse is not doing anything, just sleeping and eating grass all day. Some time after he meets with an old friend, and explains the story. The friend replies: - The same happened to me, I bought a horse that was supposed to be an amazing stallion, but he won't do anything, so I bought him a syrup drug that he is drinking every day, and from that day on he is impregnating 20-30 females a day. So the lazy horse owner asks: - Do you remember the name of the syrup? To which his friend answer: - I don't remember, but it has a kind of mint taste." +31723,0,Luke Skywalker is secretly the real Han Solo Cause after the Empire Strikes Back he was actually Hand Solo +31724,2,Guy puts candy bar in shirt His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve. +31725,0,The gardeners I hired aren't following my instructions They're plotting against me. +31726,5,"IT'S A BOY! I shouted. ""A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"" And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel..." +31727,1,"I tried to use ""MyDick"" as my Netflix password... ...Netflix told me ""not long enough.""" +31728,0,I got a joke for you r/the_donald +31729,4,"Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area" +31730,2,Happy balentines day Roses are black Violets are black Fuck im blind +31731,0,What is it called when midgets cuddle? Tea-spooning +31732,6,"What do you call a mouse on 2 legs Friend ""i dont know"" Me ""mickey mouse"" Me ""what do you call a duck on 2 legs"" Friend ""donald duck"" Me "" all ducks idiot""" +31733,3,Just saw an ape and a monkey debating what the correct way to refer to them is. I think they're just arguing simiantics. +31734,0,What do you call a group of sheep that play jangly rock music? Ewe2 +31735,1,They said to pick a number between 1 and 8 in German I said nein. +31736,0,"So special You're so special, I reckon you deserve that extra chromosome." +31737,0,Who do the cheese people worship? CHEESUS Christ! +31738,4,Last time when I was someone's type.. I was donating blood +31739,0,I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them. - Larry Lewitz +31740,3,What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He flushed the toilet. +31741,6,Did you know that trampolines were originally called jumpolines? Until your mom got on one. +31742,0,May resigns. She wanted to remain but was told no deal. +31743,2,I'm friends with 25 letters of the Alphabet.... I don't know why +31744,0,Why is Bernie Sanders seems like having a long nose? because AIR IS FREE +31745,2,"A horse and a duck walk into a bar... The bartender asks ""what can I get for you?"" The duck replies ""something strong, my friend here has just broken up with his wife"" The bartender gets them something strong and the horse drinks it all in one. The horse then collapses on the floor The duck, embarrassed and startled, attempts to leave the bar, but the bartender stops him. ""You can't leave that lyin' there"" he says And the duck replies ""it's not a lion, it's a horse"" then leaves " +31746,0,Snail with an attitude A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ +31747,3,What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard +31748,2,"I was offered sex today... ...with a 75 year old sugar momma. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. Available at Walgreens Rite-Aid Walmart and participating General Dollar Stores" +31749,2,How many Communists does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb contains the seeds of its *own* revolution. +31750,1,What did one gekko say to the other gekko when they were ready to leave? Let’s gekkoing +31751,3,Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. +31752,5,"I don't understand Christians They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven." +31753,0,Young Jackson doesn’t know how lucky he is mom and Santa stopped at the kissing ;) +31754,3,What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift. +31755,0,What kind of water do hookers drink? Hoe-ly water +31756,2,"Dear math, stop telling me to find your X Their not coming back, grow up and solve your own problems " +31757,0,"A man walked into his bedroom in the middle of the night His wife was in bed, glaring at him. She said ""I didn't want to fall asleep until AFTER you came home."" To which the man replied ""Well I didn't want to come home until AFTER you fell asleep.""" +31758,3,Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty? Because he makes snappy judgements! +31759,0,"Which word begins with C ends with T, is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside? Coconut" +31760,1,They told me I couldn’t bring my favourite Disney movie to class yesterday But I showed them Up. +31761,0,This man came second but the woman still wasn't satisfied Who is Donald Trump? +31762,3,The year is 2020 You won't get it now but it'll be clearer then. +31763,4,My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland. +31764,0,Everyone makes fun of dad jokes... When they should be making fun of BAD jokes. Am I right? +31765,3,"Give a man a ticket, he'll fly for a day Push him out of the plane, and he'll fly for the rest of his life" +31766,0,"NSFW dark joke I overheard two blokes talking in the book shop. One said to the other, ""I brought that Madeline McCann book, took it on holiday, left it by the pool and some fucker nicked it!""" +31767,3,"A man wanted his wife murdered So he approached an assassin named Arti. He told Arti ""I do not have money, but once the bitch's dead, I'd collect the insurance payout and pay you."" Arti replied ""Fine, but surely you can pay me $5 as advance payment?"" The husband agreed and duly paid the $5. The next day, Arti tailed the man's wife to a supermarket, which was the perfect time to kill her. He choked her to death and was about to make a getaway when he saw the store supervisor witnessed the whole thing. Wanting to cover his tracks, he choked the supervisor too. But as luck would have it, Arti's crime was caught by the shop's security cameras. In no time, he was arrested by the cops. The press got wind of it. A local daily then ran the following headline ""Arti chokes 2 for $5 in supermarket"". (Heard this joke given by a Buddhist monk in a talk. Credit to him, who heard it from his friend.)" +31768,0,Roman Polanski turns 84 today. But he still feels like a 13 year old. +31769,4,"An ancient Greek goes up to a tailor... The tailor asks the Greek: ""Euripides?"" The Greek replies ""Eumenides?""" +31770,2,"My sister got set up for a blind date My dad said ""Thank goodness he's blind, that way he doesn't have to see your face!""" +31771,0,"I got so drunk last night I slept like a baby. I pissed and shat myself, woke up crying looking for another bottle." +31772,0,The most misogynistic joke you will ever hear Why did the motorcyclist get charged for manslaughter when he killed his wife? Because he was drunk and never meant to ride in the kitchen. +31773,1,You are at a sperm bank and a fire breaks out. What do you do? Evaculate. +31774,0,"I have to give six guys rides in my car all the damn time... Norm, Max, and Phil ride on the dash. Rod rides under the hood. Jack rides in the trunk and Matt rides on the floor. " +31775,1,My employer drug tested me Turns out his weed is better. +31776,4,"My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I said ""I wanna watch.""" +31777,0,What's Jamaica's greatest superhero? Dreadpool +31778,4,"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape? No idea, they just ransomware" +31779,3,"A man goes to Egypt. A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says ""Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."" ""A camel?"" the man asks. ""Why would I take a camel?"" ""Well,"" the car renter explains ""they're as fast as a car, cheaper to maintain, and they're trained very well. You just say 'Woah' to make it move forward and 'Aishee' to make it stop."" ""Alright, I'll try a camel."" The man is riding the camel and he wants to see how fast it goes. He keeps shouting ""Woah, woah, woah!"" Eventually the camel is going faster than the man can handle and then he notices that the ground in front of him is turning into a cliff. The camel is going and the man is trying desperately to remember the word to make it stop. ""Ayaaa, Ashaaa, Allie!"" He shouts to the camel. ""Oh wait, Aishee!"" The camel stops, with its toes barely on the cliff, just in time. The man looks over the camel, down the cliff and in relief, he rubs the sweat from his brow and says ""Woah.""" +31780,0,"A detective goes on a sting with his partner They got a tip from an anonymous source that a lady of the night had some information on the king pin of crime in the area. However, to gain her trust they needed to go undercover. While the detective approached the prostitute in the back alley, the partner waited in the car patiently to hear information about the case. Twenty minutes later, the detective comes back to the car looking completely shaken. He gets in the drivers seat and starts the car. “Well, what happened?” the partner asks. “I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that this whole thing was a setup. I think that woman in there was lying about everything she said, even about her work.” The partner, still confused, asks, “What did she do to make you think that?” The detective sighed, “Nothing really, I don’t know. I guess she just rubbed me the wrong way.” " +31781,3,"Bill and the Pickle Slicer Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill mentioned that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely torn apart. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh she got fired too.” " +31782,0,"What's a better way of saying ""stop annoying me?"" Plz Fu*k Off!!" +31783,1,"So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines; *Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation. Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered due to the revelutionary mechanical heart) was on a routine patrol. During a small pause, he noticed his new heart playing up. *Tick, tick, tick* tapped the heart, causing Hugo to be concerned, to the extent of returning to Doctor Heinfeld to enquire about the possible fault in his craft. *""Artz Heinfeld, my heart appears to be ticking!""* reported Hans. *""Ah, I know exactly vhat is wrong!""* piped Heinfeld, pulling out a small pocket wrench and some tweezers, *""Ve have ways of making you tock.""*" +31784,3,"A Holy Car A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman. The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks, “Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”. The priest proudly says “Why yes I am!”. “Well then,” says the salesman “I think I’ve got just the car for you!” So the priest follows the salesman into the garage and sees a breathtaking, majestic, white car with a golden cross hood ornament. “Wow!” says the priest, “It’s beautiful!” “Yep, she’s a pretty one.” says the salesman, “And you won’t even need a key. She’s voice activated. To make her start, you say ‘Hallelujah’ and to make her stop, you say ‘Amen’. In love with the car, the priest buys it and enjoys every second in his new ride. He takes every chance he gets to drive it. One night, driving home after a long week visiting his family, the priest begins to drift into sleep. Trying to stay awake on the dark, empty road, he takes a wrong turn but doesn’t notice. Suddenly, he jolts awake! He’s speeding down a hill and at the end of it is a huge, gaping chasm in the middle of the road! The priest slams the brakes, but they do nothing! Terrified, he prays to his God, pleading with everything he has for his protection. When he finishes his prayer, the car jolts to a stop, inches away from certain death. Overjoyed that God had answered his prayers the priest exclaims “Hallelujah!”" +31785,5,My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go +31786,2,"I just got in an argument with my grandpa about who's generation relies on electronics more So, I pulled the plug on him. Guess I won that argument" +31787,2,Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggie +31788,2,"So a man walks into a department store... (long) A Spanish-speaking man who didn’t speak English well was in an American store, looking to buy socks. Unable to find them, he approached a saleswoman who asked if she could help. ""Quiero calcetines,"" the man said. “I’m afraid I don’t speak any Spanish, but we have some nice suits on this side,"" said the woman, trying to be helpful. “No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines."" said the man. The woman said, ""Well, what about these shirts? They’re on sale this week."" “No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines,"" he said. “I’m sorry, I still don’t know what you’re trying to say,"" said the saleswoman. ""There are some fine pants on this rack."" The man insisted, ""No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines."" “Our undershirts are over here,"" she tried, beginning to lose patience. “No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines!"" the man repeated. But as they passed the underwear section, the man spotted a display of socks and grabbed a pair excitedly. Showing them to her, he exclaimed, ""Eso sí que es!"" “‘Well, if you could spell it,"" said the exasperated saleswoman, ""why didn’t you do that in the beginning?”" +31789,2,What’s a pirates favorite economy car? It be the Yaris. +31790,1,Do you know why your stomach hurts when you're constipated? No shit! +31791,1,"A couple is walking through Europe in late December They feel some drops on their heads. ""I think it’s raining,"" says the man. ""No, it’s snowing,"" replies the woman. ""How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!"" exclaims the man. ""Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"" ""Definitely raining,"" Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”" +31792,8,"Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One of them turns to the other and says ""I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"" " +31793,6,Went out last night dressed as a chicken and got with a girl dressed as an egg A life long question was answered. It was the chicken +31794,1,What do you call someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is? a smart ass +31795,0,What did the black kid get for his 16th birthday? Martin Luther King's desiccated scrotum +31796,3,"A Jewish man named Moishe is on his deathbed His wife of 60 years, Sarah, is there. He turns to her. ""Sarah, we've had a long life together. Been through a lot, haven't we? You've always been there for me. When my shop burned down, you were there with me."" She replies ""I was, Moishe."" He continues ""and when the Nazis invaded our homeland and took us to a concentration camp, you were there."" She nods silently. ""And when my parents were killed in a car wreck, you were there."" She nods again, patting his hand gently. ""And when the furnace blew up our house, you were there. And when the insurance company scammed us, and our business went under, and I lost all my money, you were there."" Moishe sighs, and Sarah asks what's wrong. ""I'm beginning to think you're bad luck, Sarah.""" +31797,2,When People Tell Me to Get a Life I take theirs. +31798,2,"To a colorblind person: Do you see ""Colorado"" as just ""ado""?" +31799,0,Whats the difference between a trans women and a trans man? One of them probably has a penis. +31800,0,"Is that really your rectal temperature? Nah, I just pulled it out of my ass." +31801,0,"A mad man at the St Lucia National Mental Hospital A man at the St Lucia National Mental Hospital climbed a tree and spent half day on that tree, all of a sudden he let go of the branch and fell straight to the ground full force. A doctor rushed to the scene and ask ""sir, what's the matter with you? Are you ok? ""The man replied: ""I RIPED""" +31802,2,"A Maltese and an Italian walk into a bakery ... The italian steal three buns, and hides them in his pocket. He turns to the Maltese man anf brags, ""that took great skill and courage to steal those buns. The owner didn t even see me!"" The maltese, not really impressed, replied, ""that s just simple thievery, i ll show you how to do it the honest way, and get the same result."" The maltese man then proceeded to call the owner of the bakery and says, ""sir, i want to show you a magic trick."" The owner was intrigued, so he came over to see the magic trick. The maltese man asked him for a bun, which he promtly ate. He asked for two more and after eating them as well , the owner asks, ""okay my friend, where is the magic trick?"" The maltese man replied by pointing at the italian, ""just look in his pockets!""" +31803,1,"Women are like pianos... if they're not upright, they're grand." +31804,1,Why are ghosts bad at paperwork? Because they're formless entities. +31805,0,What's the name of the current Yemen Cloudy Day Soccer League champs? The Predators! They won by sudden death when the rival teams bus got mistaken for a school bus. +31806,1,Don't be sad because... Sad backwards is das and das not good +31807,4,Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA? Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. +31808,4,"(Un)romantic Husband A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"" The husband, typically unromantic, replied, ""I am in the toilet, please advise." +31809,1,"A genie came to me last week with a strange proposition. ""Would you like a better memory or a bigger penis?"" For the life of me I can't remember what I picked." +31810,0,I recently went to Israel The showers and trains didn't work. +31811,1,"God and his 2 omnipotent friends are deciding how they should make their new world, When trying to decide what to add to their world God's first friend says ""We need to create a large strong animal that can pull around our people's machinery and that they can ride long distances to save their legs"" ""Don't worry"" said God ""I have just the thing from the last world I made, they are great working animals"" Then chimed in God's second friend, ""That's all well and good but what use is a working animal without people intelligent enough to know how to utilise them, we must create someone in our own image who's great intellect will bring mathematics and geometry to the people, only then can they fully appreciate the majesty of the animals you give them"" ""NO!"" Boomed God in frustration at his second friend ""You never put Decartes before the horse""" +31812,2,What did the body-builder say after his house got robbed? No whey... +31813,2,"Everyone is on Trump for avoiding the WWI Memorial because of rain, but it was really Melania who didn’t want to go. She doesn’t remember what it’s like to be wet." +31814,5,"Wife told her husband A man’s wife comes up to him and tells him, “Take off my shirt.” So he does. She then tells him, “Take off my skirt and high heels.” So he does. Then she tells him, “Take off my bra and underwear.” So he does. Finally she tells him, “I better never find you wearing my clothes again.”" +31815,5,How do you discipline your pet rock? You hit rock bottom +31816,2,I have a silly friend named Oedipus... He's a stupid motherfucker. +31817,0,If Hillary Clinton and Donald Drumpf are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America. +31818,2,"My wife is angry because I brought home a B.L.T. instead of a roast beef sandwich. Oops, wrong sub." +31819,2,What sound does a Gordonramseysaurus make? ITS RAWR! +31820,1,Why did it take so long for Atlanta to build a subway? Talking about an underground railroad is still a sore subject around those parts. +31821,4,"An English soldier has returned from the frontlines in France As the soldier gets on the train to London, he is very tired. He looks around for a free seat. He spots a women and her dog. ""Excuse me, ma'am. May I have that seat? I am ever so tired."" The women snorted, ""You soldiers are very ignorant. My dog is more precious than your life."" The soldier frowns then walks off, looking for another seat. After a while, he returns to the women. He begs for the seat but the women still refuses. After a while, the soldier gets frustrated. He picks up the dog and throws her out the train window. A passerby spots this. He walks over. ""Blimey, your kind are quite stupid."" The soldier asks, ""How am I stupid?"" The passerby replies... ""You threw the wrong bitch out the window.""" +31822,1,"Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. ""Who is the creator of the universe?"" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, ""God almighty!"" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, ""Tell me who is our lord and savior?"" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, ""What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, ""If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!""" +31823,1,You wanna know how to get 10 mil followers? You have to run through Africa with a bottle of water +31824,1,"The missus was not amused A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?” The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.” The son is confused and asks, “Onions?” The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.” The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.” The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?” The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”" +31825,4,Why do archaeologists collect used tampons? They like to figure out what period they came from.. +31826,2,"Poetry and Short Stories ""I'm afraid I've caught poetry."" ""Oh, really? Well, don't worry, sir. I used to... suffer from short stories."" ""Really? When?"" ""Oh, once upon a time.""" +31827,2,"A skeleton went into a bar.. The bartender asks,""What'll be Bones?"" The skeleton replies,""Two beers and a mop.""" +31828,3,Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? The each got six months +31829,1,"What is he Deaf A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ""All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."" The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ""Aleeee ooop"" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ""It's no good, I'll have to do it,"" and yells, ""ALLLEEE OOOP!"" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ""Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"" The trainer replies, ""Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"" " +31830,1,"An Irish man, a German man, and a Scottish man find a magic slide Whatever you say when you slide down this slide you will fall into. the German man goes down first, he says ""beer"" and he falls into a big pool of beer. the Scottish man goes down and he says ""Scotch Whiskey"" and he falls into a big pool of Scotch Whiskey The Irish man goes down and says ""weeeeeeee""" +31831,1,Hey girl you got asthma? Cause you got that ass Ma +31832,0,"People says that i'm a drunkard, but its not true at all, its the frog's fault ! They crack me up" +31833,4,"How many Dragonball Z character does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes three episodes." +31834,0,"I hate being an adult in times like these, $5 used to get you 12 eggs, a bar of chocolate a massive bag of sweets, milk, a sack of potatoes, a bottle of vodka... Shame for cameras in stores..." +31835,1,"How do you call your chicken named Marco? ""Pollo""" +31836,3,"When a guy says ""I'm Fine"" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine." +31837,1,They say a woman's work is never done which is why they get paid less than men. +31838,5,What do you call it when an anti-vaxxer has a nervous breakdown? Polio +31839,2,What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop? Disappointed. +31840,2,I see Trump as a modern Karl Marx Have you heard him talk about seizing the means of reproduction? +31841,0,Donald Trump plays Overwatch And he mains Hanzo and complains about team comp. Despicable +31842,6,Don’t stare at a glass of water Take a pitcher it’ll last longer +31843,6,"An elderly couple next to me are talking to each other at a restaurant. As they are talking, the man keeps calling his wife the sweetest names like Honey, Deer, Sweetie ect ect ect. When his wife excused herself to use the bathroom, I leaned over and said ""I love how you talk to your wife. You call her the nicest things. It appears you two have been married for quite some time. How do you keep the spark going?"" He replies ""I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm too afraid to ask her what it is"". " +31844,2,What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name +31845,0,What phone service does an Iranian monarchist use? Shaw. +31846,1,"An Omegle conversation Me: My dad died on this day in 2001, he called me to say 2 words before dying. Stranger: Ohh, that's so sweet! What were his words? Me: Allahu Akbar" +31847,1,"It was my blind cousins birthday party yesterday. I hate him, but mum said i had to get him a present. Got him a paint by numbers set." +31848,0,How do you make a van go? With paint. +31849,0,"A man walks up to a guy in a wheelchair... “If you’re so handicapped, then how do you press the buttons to open the doors?”" +31850,0,"A man walks into a bar... ...and says ""Ouch.""" +31851,1,What's the name of the type of force that holds a baby in the mother's womb? Centrifetal +31852,2,What do you call someone who is known for being heartless and cold to others? Dead +31853,0,"A Polish RAF pilot has been invited to a school to give a talk about his wartime experiences and after thanking his hosts, the aged Pole begins his account, ""Zo, one day I am ordered to scramble in my Hurricane and zese three Fokkers come out of ze clouds..."" And the Principal interrupts and says, ""I'm sorry, but weren't Fokkers those famous German planes from the previous war?"". But the Pole just looks at him until he shuts up, then goes on: ""...when zese three Fokkers come out of ze clouds in zeir Messerschmidts..."" " +31854,0,"Washing up In the year 800 A.D Ragnar the Viking was sat at home preparing for a raid on Britain. Before he leaves he asks his blind old mum ""Is there anything I can steal for you from Britain?"" Mum replies ""Well son, I hear they have this wonderful new invention in Britain, it's called a sink, apparently it's great for doing the dishes! Be a darling and pick one up for me will you?"" ​ And so Ragnar sets off piliging and looting, all down the East coast of Britain they travel.. but pillage as hard as he can Ragnar can't find a sink anywhere. So, not wanting to upset his mum, eventually Ragnar decides to use a builders hod for a sink... After all his mum is blind and probably won't be able to tell the difference. So, hod in hand, Ragnar sails back to Scandinavia. ​ When they arrive back and after Ragnar has presented the hod to his mum, she leans over to him and says ""Son, thank you for the sink, it's the greatest treasure you have ever brought me!"" ​ Which just goes to show, a hod is as good as a sink to a blind norse." +31855,2,What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French revolution? They put their head into it. +31856,6,"What did the drummer name his children? Anna 1, Anna 2" +31857,2,I don't know why people complain about using your phone whilst driving. I can drive on the freeway and post this comment at the sa +31858,1,"An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman enter a brand new bar. The Englishman and Scotsman loved it, the Irishman was blown away." +31859,1,Bob Ross once said that mistakes are just birds. That explains why you can fly. +31860,6,Trump should build that wall out of Hillary's emails since it seems no one can get over them. +31861,0,What does Empire of the Sun and my dead dog have in common? Youth in asia +31862,2,Why did the spider go to college? To get his degree in web design! +31863,0,Why don't witches like The Keg? Because it's always burned at the stake +31864,0,Imagine you're stranded on a desert island with no food or water. What do you do? Stop imagining. +31865,0,"Little girl says, Mummy I want to give lots of my clothes away, why is that Lucy asked Mum? I want to give them to all of the little girls on Daddy's computer who haven't got any clothes to wear. " +31866,3,A friend recently asked me where I think I'll be in 4 years. But how am I supposed to know? I don't have 2020 vision. +31867,3,What did the roof say to the other roof? Are you shingle? +31868,2,where can’t you buy a large soda? minnesota +31869,0,"A guy is so high that he gets arrested and thinks he’s at a restaurant. Police officer - ’Are you high right now?’ Guy - ‘Baked, not fried.'" +31870,0,"So a commie, a clown and a crook walk into a bar... ...no wait, they enter a presidential race." +31871,0,Mr.Hands! Putting new meaning on the words animal husbandry +31872,1,"Bar contest with a donkey A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He reads a notice that says make the donkey laugh and win free drinks for the day. The man walks up whispers something to the donkey it looks at him and bursts out laughing. He claims his free drinks and leaves. 2 weeks later the man returns to the bar and reads a new notice make the donkey cry and win free drinks for the day. The man walks across and shows the donkey something and it bursts into tears. The bar tender congratulates the man but asks "" how did you make it laugh and then cry"". The man replies ""easy, to make it laugh i said i had a bigger dick than he did"". ""But how did you make it cry?"". ""I showed it to him!""" +31873,0,Why was the cemetery plot salesman upset? Business was dead. +31874,0,"What is the difference between the American freedom of speech and Soviet freedom of speech? In America, you retain that freedom after making that speech." +31875,1,I tried to think... I tried to think of a good reason why I don't have children. But I'm shooting blanks. +31876,1,A man walks into a bar ...And stays there my whole childhood +31877,0,What do you call a man who irons A woman +31878,4,Americans won't get this Healthcare +31879,3,You know what I like about midgets? Very Little. +31880,1,"A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary and their 60th birthdays. The wife gave her husband a lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie popped out and gave him one wish. The husband said,” I wish that I had a wife that was 20 years younger than me!” So the genie made him 80 years old." +31881,4,What's the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean? I've never paid to have a lima bean on my chest. +31882,1,What do you call electricity still flowing today? Current. +31883,2,"Police officer A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer don’t listen to him. He’s a smart ass when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop blurted out, I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, “Are we over the border yet?”" +31884,0,My grandmothers dough pressing technique is top secret It's on a knead to know basis +31885,0,"After fixing my broken headphones I had a problem hearing mediums and basses with my headphones so fixed I them by using tape to stick the cable to the Headphones to bend it in a way that makes the headphones work somehow. I then let my friend know of this on Discord text chat, our conversation went something like this: (...) Me: Basses and highs are working fine, I'm gonna watch a video to make sure meds are also good. Him: But weren't you listening to music? Music has meds too, right? Me: EDM Him: Haha" +31886,0,"German coast guard So a ship near a german coast guard was in trouble so they called in saying,""MAYDAY MAYDAY WE'RE SINKING"" the coast guard responds with ""Oh what are you sinking(thinking) about""." +31887,1,This is a dark joke I'm surprised it hasn't been shot by the police +31888,4,Stranger: “Bob? Is that short for Robert?” Bobert: “No” +31889,5,"My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex... [to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package] ...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again." +31890,2,Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... Teach a man to fish and he'll put you out of work. +31891,1,What do you call a shirt you wear on your knees? A Laptop. +31892,5,"Best January Joke I heard so far Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea. The wife pulled me aside & said, ""There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"" I winked at her & said, ""Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."" As soon as the tea was served then i said to my guests, ""Let's play a game of chance. One cup of tea has no sugar, who ever gets it will take us all for dinner tonight."" The result? All guests claimed they had never tasted such sweet tea! January wisdom, thank me later. " +31893,0,"I was completing... A man was completing a test on the relationship between God and the afterlife for religion class. As the man completed the test, his teacher said ""okay class, self correct it"" The man then kills himself suddenly, leaving the class completely astonished. God then approaches his soul in Heaven and tells the man ""Why did you kill yourself, how stupid of you"" The man replies ""My teacher said to self correct it and I wanted to know if i got the question right about how in the afterlife I have a stronger connection to god, guess I got the question wrong""" +31894,0,I have some very bad news. Tomorrow is the funeral of my mother in law. But she cancelled it. +31895,1,I had a nightmare about the scariest clown ever my ex +31896,0,"Teacher: Hitler, what is 8+1? Hitler: Neun Downvote City, here I come! " +31897,2,"I can't complain My politically passionate friend was going on a rant about Trump's election. He was absolutely livid, and asked me what I thought. ""I can't complain,"" I said, nonchalantly. Incredulous, my friend shouted, ""How can you possibly be so cool about this? We just elected a misogynist to the white house and our state (Wisconsin) helped do it. How can you just say you can't complain."" I respond: ""No you misunderstood. I didn't vote, so I can't complain."" " +31898,0,"Woe, gone. RIP Sir Terry" +31899,0,They meant well; literally... ...his body was found in a well. +31900,1,"Say no to drugs Dad: You should always say no to drugs. Son: Okay. Dad: Let's practice. Do you want this drug? Son: No, two drugs." +31901,1,Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar? So he could save his stool. +31902,1,Why do they call it PMS? Because MAD COW DISEASE was already taken +31903,0,Hillary is like the George Washington of 2016. She cannot tell a lie. +31904,3,Human beings are very intelligent. I wish I could post this somewhere else. +31905,2,"Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump race around the White House The slightly younger and less overweight Hillary managed to win this one, and this is the response from major news networks: NBC: ""Hillary Clinton wins the race, while Donald Trump comes in last!"" FOX: ""Donald Trump takes second place in the race, while Hillary Clinton only manages to beat one contestant!""" +31906,4,"So, I introduced my gf to my family today... I still don’t know why my wife hates her so much." +31907,2,"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on top of a new skyscraper (long) The lunchtime buzzer sounds and they all open their lunchboxes. Englishman: ""Huh, cheese and pickle sandwiches AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's cheese and bastard pickle! If I get cheese and pickle again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna... I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper!"" Scotsman: ""och aye tha noo, Ham and Mustard? HAM AND MUSTARD AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's Ham and bloody Mustard! If I get Ham and Mustard again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper too, see you Jimmy!"" Irishman: ""fer feck sake, Beef and Onion on brown bread? Beef and onion AGAIN! Every damn day Oi open my lunch and it's Beef and chuffing onion! If Oi get beef and onion again tamarra oi swear Oi'm gonna jump off that there skyscraper as well, to be sure! The next day they open their lunch boxes and one by one they sigh, walk slowly over to the edge and jump off to their deaths. One week later it's their joint funeral. The three builder's wives are all stood around the graves weeping. Englishman's wife: "" if only he told me he didn't like cheese and pickle, I'd have made him something else!"" Scotsman's wife: ""if only he told me he didn't care for Ham and mustard, I'd have made something different"" Irishman's wife, crying her eyes out: ""He made his own sandwiches""." +31908,4,"Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer... One asks ""Hey, does this taste funny to you?"" The other responds ""No.""" +31909,0,"How many babies does it take to paint an Irishman? None, unless you throw them really hard ...wait I think I fucked it up More importantly, what am I supposed to do with all these dead babies" +31910,3,"I bought a dozen bees, but the shopkeeper gave me 13 The last one was a free bee" +31911,5,Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone? He couldn't find the droid he was looking for. +31912,1,What's a real estate agents favorite song? For lease navidad +31913,1,Short people are materialistic. Tall people are bigger than that. They can see past it. +31914,3,"A man with a hunchback was walking trough the cemetery. A ghost spooks him with a question. - What is that on your back ? the ghost asks. - Its a hunchback ! the man replies. - Can i have it ? asks the ghost. - Shure !!! and the trade is done. Mindblown,the man goes to his wimp-leg friend and tell him the story.As soon as he finishes telling him the good thing that has happened to him the man with a wimp-leg heads to the cemetery.He gets there and he starts wimping about looking for the ghost. The ghost shows up and spooks him with a question. - what is that on your back ??? The man replies - Nothing ! - Here,have this hunchback ." +31915,0,How do you know Paul Ryan's hung like a horse? He dated a black chick in college. +31916,1,What do you do if an elephant sits on your fence? Help it decide. +31917,1,Do you know how many North American teams qualified for LOL worlds 2019 group stage? N/A +31918,2,What is a sheep’s favorite office tool? A lamb-inator +31919,1,People usually tell me everyone has a beautiful side. Now I think I am a circle. +31920,5,My bacon kept curling in the frying pan so I took away their little brooms and rocks. +31921,1,How do you posion a woman with a razorblade? Give her arse.a.nic +31922,2,Why don't cows wear flip flops? They lactose. +31923,0,"What did the black child say when they saw their father come home with a pack of cigarettes? ""Who are you?""" +31924,0,What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Around the catheter. +31925,0,"A missionary is visiting a native tribe And is staying with the chief who knows some, but very little English. On his insistence the missionary is teaching the chief basic English. One day, the chief and a few men go out to explore and bring along their new friend, the missionary. Through the jungle they hear some grunting and animal like noises. The chief motions for all to be quiet and hide as he slowly manuevers to investigate. He motions for the missionary to come look and it is a young tribesman fucking the brains out of one of the women. The chief whispers, ""how say?"" and the missionary turns bright red out of embarrassment. ""Uhh... In English we call that 'riding a bike'"". The chief takes out a poison dart and quickly kills both. The Missionary gasps and gives a stunned look to the chief-- *what the fuck?*. The chief exaplains, ""He riding ME bike!!""" +31926,3,"What's a banana made of? One part barium, two parts sodium. " +31927,2,Why do married men die before their wives? Because they want to +31928,1,What do a faulty computer and a fat man have in common? Neither of them run well. +31929,3,Said to my wife “Pack your suitcases I’ve won the lottery!” She said pack for hot weather or cold weather? I replied “I don’t give a fuck just get out!” +31930,7,"After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on TV... Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling..." +31931,1,What do you call a spouse of 30 years? A stalemate. +31932,0,What was Hitlers favorite letter? Well I can tell you its Not C... and Not Z for sure __________ Just thought of this lol (the not C part) /u/PM_ME_2_SEE_MY_DICK .... thought of not z... +31933,3,"2 of my friends were arguing about who's house was the most expensive.... ""Well, my house is worth 8 million dollars!"" One of them said ""Ha! Mine is worth 11 million!"" The other said so I chimed in ""You guys must be poor, my roof in itself is worth 200 million!"" Puzzled, they both asked me ""Woah! Where do you even live? How can you afford all that?!"" When I told them where I lived they were left dumbfounded. They just couldn't believe I lived under an overpass!" +31934,1,"I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it. ""Banned it?"" I asked. The librarian nodded. ""Yes, for inappropriate content."" I blurted out ""Motherfucker!"". She calmly replied ""That's exactly why.""." +31935,3,Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period. +31936,7,What do you call a short black person? By their name you fucking racist +31937,0,Did you hear about the guy whole lost the whole left side of his body? He is alright now. +31938,1,"Me: How much to buy a singing ensemble? Person: You mean a choir? Me: Fine, how much to acquire the singing ensemble?" +31939,2,"A companies CEO is hosting a lavish party... A companies CEO is hosting a lavish party, and in his backyard there's an Olympic length swimming pool with living crocodiles in it (obviously it's just there for display). Jokingly the Boss comments ""Anybody who's got enough balls to swim the length, and survives can have anything of mine they want!"" after some laughter and continued conversation they hear a splash, and see the company treasurer swimming for his life. By some miracle he makes it to the other side without losing any limbs. The boss was initially joking, but now he doesn't want to go back on his words. ""You've got guts ma' boy, so what is it that you want?"" the boss asks. Amid rapid gasping breaths, the treasurer says, ""Just tell me who's the Jackass that pushed me in"" edit:Typo" +31940,0,"there were two guys who were locked up in a lunatic asylum there were two guys who were locked up in a lunatic asylum and one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. they decided to escape. so they made it up to the roof and there just across this narrow gap they see rooftops stretching across town, stretching to FREEDOM. now the first guy, he jumps right across no problem, but his friend, ""ho ho no way,"" he's afraid of falling. so the first guy, he has an idea. he says, ""hey, i got this flashlight with me. i'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."" but the second guy says, ""what do you think i am crazy? you'll just turn it off when i'm half way across."" " +31941,4,"There are two things that never get old Dark humour, and unvaccinated children." +31942,4,I finally stopped caring what other people think! I hope everyone is ok with that? +31943,1,Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied'er. (SFW) +31944,2,"So my female hot boss came to me.. She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied ""Thats why you pay me"". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: ""i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman. But the more i looked at her the hotter she was. So i said to my self ""fuck it. Its just a dinner with my boss"". So i went over her house at night. It was just her and me. She said ""let me get more comfortable”. So she left and came back wearing nothing. Absolutely naked. When i saw her i got up immediately and ran straight outside! But when i opened the door i saw my wife clapping and hugging me like crazy saying ""Well done love! You passed the test!!!"". Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car." +31945,0,Did you hear about the cow that fell off the truck in Russia? Apparently it hadn't been Put in properly. +31946,5,What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common? Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated. +31947,0,Why do Christians avoid trigonometry? Because they don't want to sin. +31948,5,"Irish Economics! It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town and he stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk. He tells the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.100 euro The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local lady of the night drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit. The lady then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything, but the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism." +31949,3,"A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane. Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students. All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic. The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?” “I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”" +31950,0,7:06 is a scary timing... It’s technically 6:66... +31951,3,It’s 2019 quit making gay jokes Come on guys +31952,2,"Some cunt called me a motherfucker today I said, ""watch your mouth, son!""" +31953,1,"A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery. The head monk said, ""You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."" The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, ""What are your two words?"" ""Food cold."" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said ""What are your two words?"" ""Robe dirty."" the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, ""What are your two words?"" ""I quit."" said the man. ""Well,"" the head monk replied, ""I am not surprised. You have done nothing but bitch ever since you got here!""" +31954,2,What do you call a camel with only one hump? A canel +31955,1,If flying airplanes is wrong... I don't want to be Wright. +31956,4,I can eat an untied shoe lace and poop it out tied I shit you knot! +31957,2,"Cheer up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president , until after serving 27 years in prison ." +31958,0,"You call comcast and end up speaking to apu in India, how do your problems get fixed? When they transfer you to steve." +31959,2,"A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender... A leper walks into a bar & tells the bartender ""I know I'm disgusting looking but If you could please serve me a scotch I'd be grateful, I'll leave if I'm too much to stomach."" Bartender says ""No problem, as long as your paying I'll pour."" So the bartender pours the leper a drink & then starts gagging. the leper say's he'll leave but the bartender says ""No it's ok."" So the leper orders another scotch & the bartender pours the drink then vomits. the leper says ""you don't have to pretend I'm not hideous I can leave."" The bartender shakes his head & says "" what you look like isn't a big deal, but the guy next to you keeps dipping his chips in your arm.""" +31960,0,"Two Poles are talking: ""You, I'm going to Germany, there is sparkling wine in the morning and then there's sex. At noon again sparkling wine and then again sex. Afternoon champagne and sex again. That's how it goes all day. "" Ask the other, ""How do you know that, have you ever been there?"" The other answers ""Nee, but my sister""" +31961,2,I've just joined the Jehovah's Observers. It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved. +31962,2,"Frank comes home late at night, drunk as hell... Frank comes home late at night, drunk as hell, throws himself in bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden he stands in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter says: ""See Frank, you died in your sleep."" But Frank begs: ""But why? I wanted to do so much still. Isn't there a way to get back?"" St. Peter scratches his head and says: ""Well, yeah, but you can come back only as a chicken."" ""Of course, do it!"" And all of a sudden Frank is among a flock of chickens, and a rooster notices him. ""You are new here, aren't you? How are you doing?"" ""Well, not bad, but I have a strange feeling down below."" ""Oh, those are probably eggs. Just push a bit, they come out and the feeling goes away."" Moments later Frank lays his first egg. All joyful he pushes some more, out comes a second egg, third... All of a sudden someone shakes him and his wife yells: ""Wake up, you drunk asshole, you are shitting in the bed!!!""" +31963,5,"My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life. Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks." +31964,1,A man needed food and a lot of air for his shelter He went to the store and bought Lays. +31965,0,Why couldn’t the snowman have kids? He got snowballs. +31966,1,Why would you want to keep a condom in your ear? So you don't get hearing aids +31967,3,What does Sherlock call his friends? His Holmies +31968,0,TIL You can stimulate your prostate outside just get out there and do it. +31969,0,What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. +31970,1,"A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: ""First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."" He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out British Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at American Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, ""What do they do here?"" He is told: ""First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."" ""But that's the same as the others,"" says the man. ""Why are so many people waiting to get in?"" “Because of the shutdown, the electric chair does not work because the electric bill can’t be paid. Congress can’t agree on a budget, so the nails can’t be ordered, so the bed is comfortable. And the American devil is furloughed so he doesn’t come into work.” Inspired by u/Master_Bruno_1084" +31971,2,"George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie. George Clooney said ""I'll direct"" Dicaprio said ""I'll produce"" and Matthew McConaughey said ""I'll write, I'll write, I'll write""" +31972,0,"What has four legs in the morning, two at midday, and three legs in the evening? An all-day nonathlon" +31973,3,Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people? Dad. +31974,0,"Donating blood? Donate my blood? Yeah right, and have my blood swimming around in some other guy's boner? Nice try, buddy" +31975,3,Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist. +31976,0,My girlfriend's dad called me a pedofile for dating his 22 year old daughter when I'm 31... It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary. +31977,0,"That Dress Looks Becoming On You If I was on you, I'd be coming too." +31978,3,"Indians know the weather It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ""Is the coming winter going to be cold?"" ""It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"" the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again.""Is it going to be a very cold winter?"" he asked. ""Yes,"" the man at National Weather Service again replied,""it's going to be a very cold winter."" The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. ""Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"" ""Absolutely,"" the man replied. ""It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."" ""How can you be so sure?"" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, ""The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy""." +31979,1,My wife's heating aid fell out while we were having sex Me: I'm finished Her: Come again? +31980,1,"Higher Dimensions An engineer hears that a famous mathematician will be giving a public lecture, and always having a soft spot for math, he attends. The mathematician then talks at length about all sorts of amazing phenomena that happen in 17 dimensional space. The engineer, amazed at this mathematician's intuition for 17 dimensional space, goes up to him afterwards and asks 'How do you picture 17 dimensions?"", to which the mathematician answers 'Oh, its easy. Just imagine n-dimensional space, and set n equal to 17.'" +31981,5,"The American dream: To buy a shovel for 2$, to then sell it for 4$. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for 8$. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit 1,000,000$ My dad told me this one " +31982,0,What's Khal Drogo's favorite thing about brunch? Jason Mimosas +31983,2,"A man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of bourbon The bartender asks, ""Why so many shots, what's the occasion?"" The man replies, ""My first blowjob!"" The bartender asks the man, ""Oh? How was it?"" The man says ""It was alright but I can't get the taste out of my mouth.""" +31984,0,I've pooped 4 times today already... It's been pretty shitty +31985,2,Apparently incredulousness is increasing amongst millennials I don’t believe it for a second +31986,4,"A woman texted me with the message, ""Your adorable."" I texted back, ""No. YOU'RE adorable."" Now she's falling for me. I was only correcting her grammar." +31987,3,"Teacher asks the kids in class, ""What do you want to be when you grow up?"" Chris says, ""I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna shag her 3 times a day..."" The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks, ""What about you dear?"" ""I wanna be Chris's bitch!""" +31988,3,What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash +31989,1,"I think mixed-raced babies are really cute. But if my wife has one, I'm getting a divorce." +31990,4,Rattlesnakes and Condoms Two things I don't fuck with. +31991,2,I'm working on my second Billion dollars. My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second. +31992,2,"Did you hear about that movie they were making called ""Constipation""? It never came out" +31993,1,What does a black guy say when you bleach him? he he +31994,0,Smokers are humans too Just not for so long +31995,3,What does 90 year old vagina taste like? Depends +31996,8,"If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it.......... He's gay, definitely gay. " +31997,1,Why did the nun never wear her uniform? It was a bad habit. +31998,1,There are 10 kinds of people in this world... ...those who understand binary and those who don't +31999,1,I have a stereotype gay friend who can float on fire He's flamebuoyant +32000,2,"Seen on the internet a couple years ago. A guy driving a Tesla stops at a red light. A second guy comes up to his window and says ""Nice Edison you're driving!"" The driver, confused, looks at the man and says ""You're mistaken, sir, this is a Tesla."" The guy at the window says to the driver ""You're the one who's mistaken, this IS an Edison."" Then he pulled out a gun and said ""You see, it's about to be stolen.""" +32001,3,What does a king call his robe? His reign jacket +32002,2,How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist! +32003,2,"Gave my German friend a hit of my joint... He said, Danke." +32004,2,"An atheist dies and meets st Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter: I can't let you in here your a non believer. The atheist not wanting to go to hell says Atheist: But st Peter I'm a good man St Peter looks through his book St Peter: You seem to have a pretty mixed record, but if you can tell me about one heroic good deed you have done I will let you in. Atheist: I once was walking down the street when I saw some girl about to get gang raped. So I ran up and knocked out the leader with a single blow. I then stepped back telling them to scram before I KOed them to. St Peter is amazed by this and says St Peter: When did this happen? Atheist: About 5 minutes ago" +32005,2,"A refrigerant walks into a bar... The bartender asks, “how’s it going there partner?” The refrigerant answers, “well, not going so well, you see back when I was just a wee lad I always wanted to be so much more. I knew my life was being wasted on the mundane activities of day to day life. Then when I turned 5, I started....” **the bartender interrupts** “buddy I’m sorry can you speed it up? I’ve got customers to serve…” “I’m sorry I can’t, bad things happen when I condense” " +32006,2,"Doctor, I’m afraid of random letters Doctor: You are? Patient: Oh god no Doctor: Oh I see... Patient: AHHHHHH" +32007,1,"How do you organize a collection of traditional female garb from India and Japan? Sari, not sari" +32008,4,Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical... I am appealing. +32009,0,Did you hear about the peanut in the street? It was assaulted. +32010,1,Which is the urine drop that makes the most distance? The one you put back in your pants Inspired by a recent askreddit My dad used to tell this joke +32011,0,"A man with no intent of eating any cheese, walks into a cheese shop. He off-handedly mentions to the poor, innocent shopkeep, “You know, I bet if this place was to explode, there’d be a bunch of de-brie.” “Good, ah, joke,” says the shopkeep. The man replies, “I think you mean Gouda.” The shopkeep just matter-of-factly says , “If you aren’t going to buy any cheese, leave.” Ignoring him, the man takes a peek at his name-tag. “Mr.Jack, eh? I wouldn’t suppose your first name is Colby?,” he says. Annoyed, the man sighed and said, “At this point, I’d give you money to just leave.” The man asked, “Are you offering me cheddar?” “For the last time, LEAVE!” snaps the shopkeep. The man says, “Asi, I’ll go.”" +32012,0,"Shopping for houses, it seems like a lot of the houses in my price range need some TLC... But I don't want no scrubs." +32013,1,"I get paranoid when I smoke Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend. Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend." +32014,0,What did the manager of a Sushi Restaurant yell at the Chef when the kitchen caught on fire? STOP DROPPIN ROLLS!! +32015,0,"I bought my Italian boss a present, a tie with a large eye printed on it... And that, my friends, is how you do subtle racism..." +32016,0,"What is Santa's favorite bike? -Holy Davidson. What is Chinese favorite bike? - Hardly Davidson What is Mexican's favorite bike? - Hardworking Davidson What is Viking's favorite bike? - Hardy Davidson What is America's favorite bike? - Hefty Davidson What is England's favorite bike? - None, cause they are still arguing that it is called a Motorcycle and not a bike. Edit: I am new to reddit. If you are down voting the post, can you let me know the reason so I can correct myself?" +32017,4,Genie: What is your first wish? Me: I want to be rich! Genie: Granted. And what would your second wish be? Rich: I want a whole lot of money.. +32018,3,If dogs had the ability to speak to humans We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us. +32019,5,"Here's one from Russia A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. ""Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. ""Never mind. Found one!""" +32020,2,There's nothing wrong with naming your son Marco.... Until you lose him at the park one day. +32021,0,I know all the digits of Pi... Just not in the right order. +32022,0,"Man, I feel bad for Osama Bin Laden's wife. Imagine having to put up with such explosive behavior?" +32023,1,"Apparently, Elton John has never owned a parrot But he's certainly had a cockatoo." +32024,0,"A power-hungry thug conjured a demon and made a deal. ""I want to rule the world,"" said the man. ""I will grant you this power, but it comes with a catch,"" said the demon. ""You must immediately set out to find the most virtuous man in all the world, ask him what the most important thing for a leader to do is, and you must do exactly that. Do you still wish to rule the world?"" ""Give me the power,"" said the man. ... After scouring the globe from his throne for the most virtuous of all men, the Emperor found him and had invited him to the royal court. ""Tell me, good sir, what is the most important thing for a leader to do?"" asked the Emperor. ""Lead by example,"" said the virtuous man. ... As he stared out the windows of his palace at the crucified corpse of the virtuous man, the Emperor smiled. The demon appeared behind him, none too amused. ""How the *hell* did you do that? I heard what he told you. You were bound by infernal magic to obey!"" ""He told me to lead by example,"" said the Emperor. ""Well, there's the example - I made one of him for telling the Emperor what to do.""" +32025,0,"A man asks a farmer near a field, A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”" +32026,2,What is the most attractive seat on an airplane? 6C +32027,0,"What do Cardinal McCarrick and Target have in common? Boys' pants, half off." +32028,2,"A doctor, a priest, and a child are on a plane that is crashing down. There are only two parachutes. The doctor said ""I'm going to have to take one. My work is saving lives and I'm on the verge of a medical discovery."" He grabs a bag and jumps out. The priest looked at the child. ""Son. I have lived a wholesome life. I have took the high road and have led many lives to Christ. I know where I'm going. You are just a kid and got your whole life ahead of you. You can take the other parachute."" The little boy smiled. ""Thanks, but we both can go. He grabbed my backpack.""" +32029,0,"I was walking down the Street I was walking down the Street minding my own business the other day when someone screamed at me and Shouted ""Oi, Ginger Paedophile!"" I was so disturbed and hurt, I couldn't believe someone had called me such a vile and disgusting word! I'm clearly Strawberry blonde!" +32030,1,"An Irish Setter, a Dalmatian, and a Beagle were talking The Irish Setter says to the Beagle: ""I am excited for the party next weekend."" The Dalmatian says: ""Me too."" The Beagle says to the Setter and the Dalmatian: ""You guys weren't invited."" The Irish Setter and the Dalmatian both say: ""What? Why not?"" The Beagle says: ""Probably because you guys like to ruin parties and break stuff."" The Irish Setter and the Dalmatian say: ""Come on, can we please come to the party?"" The Beagle says: ""No."" The Setter and Dalmatian say: ""Please?"" The Beagle says: ""I said no!"" The Setter and Dalmatian say: ""Pretty please with a milkbone on top?"" The Beagle finally loses his patience and yells: ""ALRIGHT FINE!!!! YOU TWO CAN COME TO THE PARTY!!!!!! NOW PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE, WILL YOU STOP HOUNDING ME?""" +32031,1,"A math teacher was lecturing his class Suddenly, the professor popped a question,‘What is ((353.44634×153×15)+799²-285)×69-0.2 equal to?’ The students were really confused, one who was extremely frustrated stands up and yells and slams on his table,‘NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!’ The teacher was impressed and said,‘ Correct, now you can sit down, Adolf.’" +32032,0,Two water fowl walk into a bar... The third one ducks +32033,0,"So I have a professor with the last name belch He says that for every pun or joke that you can make that he hasn't heard before, you get 5 extra credit points. Reddit don't fail me now." +32034,3,"Hard elbow A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, ""Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."" She replies, ""if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.""" +32035,0,How do you know that the universe is female? It has a black hole. +32036,0,cough cough I've seen so much of this word Baka and I think I'm what it actually means cough cough +lost soul *cough cough*😂 3 plus ones +32037,1,"A good ""yo momma"" joke works on multiple levels. Just like yo momma does in bed." +32038,1,“A Freudian slip is when you say a thing and you mean a mother... .... sorry another” +32039,1,My 4 year old just told her first joke: How do you get an elephant down from a tree? “Elephants can’t climb trees you doofus” I’m actually quite proud of her! +32040,0,The member of my family least likely to swear? Aunty Fanity. +32041,2,"How many points does it take to draw a curve? According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions. " +32042,2,I'm sure you've heard of Murphy's law. But have you ever heard of Cole's law? It's thinly sliced cabbage. +32043,0,What do you call a White Duck? A quacker. +32044,0,what do you call a male suppository? A manpon +32045,4,"Too guys trying to escape a prison Edit: Two not too Last fence they have to jump has bells on it. First guy jumps, touches the wires and the bells ring. The guard says:- Who goes there? The guy makes a noise:-Meow! Guard says: -oh, its just a cat. Second guy jumps, hits the wires, bells ring. Guard says: -Who goes there? Second guy:-Just another cat." +32046,0,Being in an interview and being a financial advisor are the same thing. At first you need to convince them you can make them money and then you try to take it all! Let me know if it's a repost I feel very clever now! +32047,0,"Tonight I came home and noticed someone had broken my window... they didn't take anything, but they left a dead bird inside." +32048,3,"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex, exclaimed my girlfriend, ""I've had enough, I'm leaving."" I said, ""Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?""" +32049,1,Important questions So if i person was giving a speech and promoting cigarettes or pot....would they be considered a smokesperson? +32050,0,"Marxist Martian If a group of Marxist Martians overthrows their oppressors and introduces socialism, is the labour still alienated? " +32051,1,"How to catch a polar bear Needed tools: one can of Jolly Green Giant Green Peas and an ice saw. Step one: cut a polar bear sized hole in the ice Step two: drain the juice from the peas and place them one at a time all the way around the hole you just cut in the ice. Step three: when the polar bear come along to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole." +32052,0,Walnut: Yo i look like a brain Broccoli: I look like a tree! Mushroom: I look like an umbrella! Banana: Could we please change the topic? Edit: Just realised I failed with the title... +32053,0,"An alcoholic watched a TV report about the harms of drinking, and worried a lot So he decided not to watch TV anymore" +32054,2,I've been watching so much porn lately… I've started spitting on the lock before I put the key in the door… +32055,3,What side do turkeys have the most feathers on? The outside. +32056,2,Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest As they would cross the Finnish line. +32057,0,Sandy: Spongebob. Why does your sponge juice taste so sweet? Spongebob: Cause I live in a fuckin' pineapple babe. +32058,1,"A Scotsman moves to America [long] This is probably been here before, but I still think it's a good one. A Scotsman moves to America. His new coworkers invite him to a baseball game. He decides to go to try to learn more about American culture. He has a $12 hot dog and a warm beer. Throughout the game, people keep jumping up yelling ""go go go! Run!"" Etc. He decides that to really be like his co-workers, he needs to yell too. The next batter gets up to the plate. ""Ball one!"" The umpire calls. ""Ball two! Ball three! Ball four!"" The batter starts walking to first base. ""Go!"" The Scotsman shouts, jumping to his feet. ""Run!"" ""He doesn't have to run,"" his coworker says. ""He has 4 balls."" The Scotsman looks confused for a second. Finally, he turns back to the field and shouts. ""WALK WITH PRIDE MAN!""" +32059,2,"I was watching The Human Centipede with this guy, and I could tell just by looking at him that he was really enjoying the movie. He had this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time." +32060,0,"a couple of jokes I thought were funny 3 and 5 are my own jokes, made them up for some friends telling the rest. Q. Why are there so few casinos in Africa? A. too many cheetahs Q. what kind of tree grows in your hand? A. a palm tree Q. Why was god so upset? A. Jesus got cross with him Q. Why was Jesus so tired? A. He got nailed last night Q. What did Jesus say when he aced the test? A. Nailed it! " +32061,0,"I'd like to thank the Academy I'd also like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my hips for never lying and my arms for always being by my side." +32062,0,What's the difference between a pig and society? ... **Society can be black and white.** +32063,1,Dick's Sporting Goods My two favorite things. +32064,2,"After my prostrate exam, the nurse asked me an interesting question. She asked ""Who was the guy in the lab coat?""" +32065,2,Some people say jokes need punchlines I say +32066,0,"Why couldn't the communist negotiator save the hostages? Well, to start, he was Russian through things where he should've been Stalin for time, and his team wasn't exactly Lenin him any support. I guess you could say it was Marx'd for failure from the start. " +32067,1,"Look, can you tell me what's wrong with me or not, doc? ""Cancer."" ""Ok, so go ahead then!""" +32068,0,How many Mexicans do you need to change a Lightbulb? Juan. +32069,5,"A duck sees a pig eating something. ""What are you eating?"" ""A chocolate cake"" ""Why does it smell like shit then?"" ""I'm eating it for the third time""" +32070,1,Why was 9 afraid of 7? Because 786 Ps: my first post here. +32071,2,What do you call jokes about 9/11 and why are they generally not funny? Too plain jokes +32072,0,why do black men wear big trousers? Because their knee grows (sorry) +32073,0,How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. +32074,1,Why is it easy to win an argument against a left-handed person? They're never right. +32075,1,Jesus and the Pharisees were having a heated debate Pharisees:YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH Jesus: I AM THE TRUTH +32076,0,I was abused as a child.... My mom would make me trim her toenails and tweez her nose hairs. And my dad would laugh and call me a mother plucker. +32077,1,Cross the Road Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop. +32078,3,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Ha, feminists can’t change anything" +32079,1,Everyone laughed when Any Schumer said she was becoming a comedian No ones laughing now +32080,2,I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high She looked surprised +32081,2,What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A cock that stays up all night +32082,2,What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado? About fifteen minutes. ^Motherfuckers... +32083,9,"A doctor says ""The good news is it's all in your head."" ""The bad news is it's brain cancer.""" +32084,0,"How many times will a squid make you laugh, and how would it do it? Ten tickles!" +32085,0,"Planes Donald Trump, the Pope, Michael Jordan, and a schoolboy are sitting in a plane with only three parachutes. An engine dies. Trump takes a parachute and jumps out, yelling ""Im the POTUS I have a country to run!"" Michael Jordan jumps out, saying ""I got all my fans waitin on me!"" Only the Pope and the schoolboy are left. The Pope tells the boy. ""I'm old and have lived a long happy life, take the parachute and leave me."" The schoolboy replies. ""It's fine, Trump took my backpack!""" +32086,1,"The Grim Reaper A woman was sleeping at home with her lover, she suddenly hears her husband knocking on the door, so she immediately makes a prayer ""God, please hide my lover and take whatever you want from me."" The grim reaper shows up infront of her and says ""I will grant your wish, but only on one condition, after two years your life will be taken away from you by means of drowning."" The wife accepts the deal and both the grim reaper and the lover disappear without leaving a single trace behind. Two years pass by, and the woman gets a call from her girl friends who invite her to go on a cruise trip with them, they tell her that the ship contained over 600 other women. The woman, forgetting about the deal she made with the grim reaper, accepts the offer and goes on the trip. The woman is swimming in the cruise ship's pool as the grim reaper suddenly appears infront of her and says ""Two years ago you made a deal with me, now it's time for me to drown this whole ship."" The woman responds to the grim reaper by saying ""I know I made a deal with you, and that I should be drowned, but why harm the other girls on this ship?"" The grim reaper tells her ""Oh trust me, I have been making deals with all of you throughout all of these years."" This joke is of Arabic origins and was translated into English by me. " +32087,3,Why do eco-activists make horrible stand up comedians? They consistently refuse to use anything but recycled material. +32088,3,My clock has gone back four seconds. It must've been really hungry. +32089,2,"Caught our boss talking to himself. A couple coworkers caught our boss talking to himself. One of my coworkers called him out and said “hey boss, you know you’re talking to yourself right?” He quickly replied, “yeah, sometimes I like to have an intelligent conversation”" +32090,1,"Three bank robbers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde... Are trying to evade the police when they come across a farm. Being short on time and options, they all decide to hide in the barn. The redhead hides near the horses, the brunette hides near the cows, and the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes. When the police come to search the barn, first they come to the horse stables. The redhead let's out a hefty ""neeeyyyy"", the cops are convinced that the horses are indeed alone, and the redhead escapes. The police then search the cow pens. The brunette saw what the first robber had done, and belts out a deep ""mooooo"". The cops are again convinced and the brunette is able to escape. The police finally come to where the potatoes are stored. The blonde, seeing how easily the other two had gotten away, sings ""poh-TAY-toh""." +32091,1,What do you call a woman with a wooden leg? Peggy +32092,4,"Took the shell off of my racing snail this weekend Thought it might speed him up If anything, it made him more sluggish." +32093,0,"A Home Depot salesperson is starting his shift... When he is approached by an Arab electrician. ""Hey,"" says the electrician, ""I'd like to make a large purchase, can you help me?"" ""Sure thing,"" says the salesperson. ""Just fill out this form and take it to my manager. I'll send your stuff to you tomorrow."" But on the next day, the salesperson realizes he's completely forgotten the details of the order. So he goes to his manager . ""Sorry sir, but can you tell me what the guy ordered yesterday? I need to send him the bill."" The manager checks the records. ""Send the bill to Ahmad. He bought lightbulbs."" So the salesperson does. Soon after, he is approached by a white plumber. ""Hey,"" says the plumber, ""I'd like to make a large purchase, can you help me?"" ""Sure,"" says the salesperson. ""Just fill out this form and take it to my manager. I'll send your stuff to you tomorrow."" But on the next day, the salesperson realizes he's completely forgotten the details of the order again. So he goes to his manager . ""Sorry sir, but I've forgotten again: can you tell me what the guy ordered yesterday? I need to send him the bill."" The manager, a little annoyed, checks the records. ""Bill it to Joe. For toilet seats."" So the salesperson does. Soon after, he is approached by an Asian carpenter. ""Hey,"" says the carpenter, ""I'd like to make a large purchase, can you help me?"" ""Yeah,"" says the salesperson. ""Just fill out this form and take it to my manager. I'll send your stuff to you tomorrow."" But on the next day, the salesperson realizes he's, again, completely forgotten the details of the order. So he makes the walk of shame to his manager . The manager looks up from his newspaper, exasperated. ""Are you sure you don't have Alzheimer's??"" ""Sorry sir!"" says the salesperson, flustered. ""I've forgotten again: can you tell me what the guy ordered yesterday? I need to send him the bill."" The manager sighs. ""You're billing Lee, saws.""" +32094,4,How many redditors' does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It doesn't matter because no one looks at my posts anyway ): +32095,0,"A couple is being interviewed for they 50th marriage anniversary Journalist: In fifty years of marriage you never though about a divorce? Wife: Homicide, yes. Divorce, never!" +32096,2,Why is Cafeteria called a Cafeteria? Because it's coffee-tea-area +32097,0,counterfeiters should just make one dollar bills! Nobody would check if they’re real and they could just make the excuse of being a stripper or something! +32098,0,What do you call the child of parents from Iceland and Cuba? An ice cube. +32099,0,A Trump Presidency could do wonders for Jodie Foster's career... I'm sure every director will want to cast her in big roles with the hope that another fan will think she's incredible and try to impress her. +32100,2,I have a fear of over-engineered buildings It's a complex complex complex. +32101,0,"So this gang was telling the same jokes all the time... So they decided it would be simply more efficient and quicker if they just put them on a list with numbers for quicker telling. So here's how the evening went: ""Seventeen!"" Everyone laughs. ""Thirty-six!"" A couple of folks actually fall off their chairs, laughing so hard. ""Forty-two!"" Silence, and a quiet hiss ""Cut it out with your political jokes! Man, I'll take the next one..."" ""Twenty-eight!"" Silence, again, until someone speaks up ""Man, your delivery really could use some work...""" +32102,1,How does a scarecrow get promoted? By being outstanding in his field +32103,0,What did the farmer say when he saw someone had ran over his fence? I'll have to repost this later. +32104,1,Why did Rockstar choose to invest in a Harbour when diversifying their assets? Because their ports are always a disaster! +32105,0,What does this post and my electricity bill have in common? I'll be seeing it in three days whether I like it or not +32106,1,Knock Knock !! Merry Christmas +32107,2,Airline companies are always having to hire people. Because most of their employees take off. +32108,2,What do you call the Ghostbusters at the hospital? Spawn camping +32109,1,What do you call a couch potato on the internet? A youtuber +32110,0,"Miley Cyrus was sick, but not sick enough to take a sick day. So she told everyone she was twerkin' from home!" +32111,0,You should never accept gift from a German The German/English bilingual crowd should be the safest ;) +32112,5,What do you get when Wonder Woman has sex with a transformer? Amazon Prime +32113,3,"In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher." +32114,5,"Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases One kid wrote: 1. HIV, AIDS 2. Cancer 3. / The teacher asked what's '/' ? Student replied it's a stroke. " +32115,2,If you have one Portuguese... ... shouldn't it be portu-goose? +32116,1,"So, there are these two fish, and they are sitting in a tank. And one fish TURNS to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”" +32117,2,What does a guy with two left feet wears to the beach? Flip flips +32118,1,What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office. +32119,3,"Soldier reintegrating into civilian life A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service. ""Yessir,"" says the vet, ""I was stationed in Iraq and then Afghanistan before being honorably discharged."" ""Thank you for your service."" says the interviewer. ""We do like to support our veterans."" Then the interviewer gets a thought. ""You aren't by any chance disabled in some way are you? We could check off another box and you'd be even more hireable."" ""Actually, I am."" He replies. ""I was hit by an IED and was emasculated in the process. I'm considered fully disabled (hence the discharge) but it doesn't really stop me from doing anything other than the obvious."" ""I am sorry for your loss, but that works out really well in your favor for this job. We'd like to hire you! You can start tomorrow, your schedule will be 11-5 Monday -Friday."" ""That's great!"" says the vet, ""But I thought I would start at 9am?"" ""Oh,"" says the interviewer, ""the office does open at 9, but we just sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours and there's no sense in you coming in for that.""" +32120,2,"My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow When I asked him how he did it, he said: “I went straight for the juggler”" +32121,4,Why do the french only have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is an oeuf +32122,0,"The first day of Richard Dawkins as a librarian He walks to a senior librarian: ""Excuse me, I am new here, could you help me solve one problem? I have Bible, Quran and Torah, but I am not sure which book belongs to the sci-fi section, which to the fantasy section and which one to the horror section.""" +32123,4,My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday... I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds. +32124,0,Roses are red Harambe's in heaven George W. Bush Did 9/11 +32125,0,Why do people hate terrorists on a plane? They love being backseat drivers. +32126,1,What's a prostitutes favorite type of toothbrush? An Oral b(j)! +32127,2,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank? Harry made it out of the chamber My gf told me this joke, idk where she heard it" +32128,0,"40-something year old man in the food court at the mall... ...and sees a 20-something year old person with a spiked, multicolored mohawk. Young person asked the guy, ""What's the matter, old man?! Never seen a punk hair-do before?!"" ""Old"" man replies, ""That's not it, at all. It's just that when I was in my 20s I did some mushrooms and fucked a parrot. Thought maybe you were my kid.""" +32129,1,What kind of work do smurfs do? Blue jobs +32130,0,How long does an owl live? six and a half books. +32131,2,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +32132,2,My dad's a scaffolder He takes things to another level. +32133,2,What did the aardvark say to Noah? What do you mean you only brought two ants!? +32134,1,What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory? Reeses pieces +32135,0,What do you call an Ed Sheeran video ? Sheer Content. I'm so sorry.. +32136,5,"Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services? Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”" +32137,0,"Paul walker So I added Paul walker on Xbox, but he's always on the dashboard " +32138,0,"A kid walks to the bathroom... Kid:""DAD THERE IS A HUGE COCKROACH IN THE BATHROOM!!!"" DAD:"" So wait until he finishes.""" +32139,2,"ID10T Error Tech Support: Good Morning, Harry speaking how can I help? Caller: Hi, my machine won't power on! Tech Support: Ok, have you tried pressing the power button Caller: Yes, done that still not working Tech Support: Okay can you check the cables at the back of the machine? Caller: I can't Tech Support: What do you mean you cant? Caller: It's too Dark Tech Support: Okay can you turn a light on? Caller: I can't there is a power cut. \\[Call Ends\\]" +32140,0,What do you call an Indian cowboy Tex support +32141,6,"Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school. After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest. Class starts and the teacher says: ""OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says ""Madam, I know"". The teacher says, ""OK Eddy, please explain."" Eddy: ""Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit." +32142,0,"I keep trying to break into the fashion world, but I love my overalls too much. They’re really holding me back." +32143,1,How does Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. Edit: JK rolling. +32144,4,"In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: ""Children, could someone tell me what is this?"" Johny raises his hand: ""It's a dick, teacher!"" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out. Shortly, the principal rushes in: ""All right, what did you do now? Which one of you brought your teacher to tears? And who the hell drew that dick on the blackboard?""" +32145,0,What do Jedi's call each other? Force Kin +32146,1,"Oh math, how much do I loathe thee? A=(L×O)+T " +32147,0,how do you get pikachu onto a bus In a pet carrier. +32148,2,Whats the difference between Trump and Hitler? About 70 years +32149,0,What online payment service does the Pope use? Papal. +32150,2,"Like many young boys, I remember the first time I saw my dads dick. I remember saying “Dad... Don’t text me shit like that..”" +32151,2,My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions Not quite sure how I feel about it +32152,6,"I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up..... but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination." +32153,1,Whats the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeve +32154,6,What do you call a pregnant woman? A body builder +32155,1,What do you call a cop in bed? An under-cover cop +32156,0,"[Videogames] A Protoss, a Zergling, and a Terran walk into a bar. They get into an argument over who has the greatest advantages. The Protoss says his species shield technology makes them much tougher. The Zergling says nothing in the universe can run faster than him. The Terran says, ""I'm the only one who can actually have a drink""" +32157,2,Can I crash at your place tonight ? No Hobo tho. +32158,0,"What always makes cops nervous when there is a group of crows overhead? I don't know, but I heard something about a murder?" +32159,1,How is your glass of beer like your one-night-stand? They both feel empty when you finish. +32160,0,"My toilet is very reliable. Always working hard, even though I'm constantly giving it shit." +32161,1,Did you know biologist James Watson was a foot fetishist? His favorite sex act was double heel licks. +32162,4,"A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, ""Hey old timer, why the long face?"" The old man looks at him and points out the window, ""See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."" The old man continued, ""And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."" The old man continued, ""And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."" The old man starts to cry again, ""But put your cock in one goat...""" +32163,2,What did the grape say when he was stepped on? Nothing. He just let out a little wine. +32164,1,"Justin Timberlake must be pretty bad a geography Even though it's a peninsula, he keeps singing about Crimea river." +32165,1,"I like to drink and run. I call it ""Bacardio"". " +32166,0,What do you call a Jedi who drank all the alcohol? All-Gone Gin. +32167,3,"Girl, are you the secant of angle Z? Cuz you sure are sec(Z)" +32168,1,Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn‘t count. +32169,0,What did the deaf blind mute kid get for christmas? CANCER +32170,1,"A new KGB recruit is being briefed on his next assignment ""For the next two weeks you will be using the safe house on Rue d'Espion. Please study this map carefully as it is located in the middle of the village, but in an inconspicuous location; you would easily miss it."" The recruit asks if there are any landmarks he can use in case he gets lost. ""There's a small café, it's called La Guette. The safe house entrance is located at the top of the stairs of the fire exit behind it. If you get lost just ask for directions, it's very popular. They also have specialty coffees like 'Kopi Luwak', you should try it. The name is easy to remember, just think La Baguette!"" ... The recruit arrives in the village and sure enough gets mixed up on the way to the safe house so he stops by an elderly gentleman sitting on a bench. ""Excuse me, I am looking for a small café in the middle of the village. The name is..., it rhymes with..., ah yes, it's called La Baguette!"" The elderly gentleman exclaims that the village doesn't have a café with that name. The recruit thinks for a second. ""I'm pretty sure there was a baguette in the name somewhere. In any case, I was informed that they had specialty coffees like Kopi Luwak?"" The elderly gentleman's eyes light up. ""Ohhhhh, you mean La Guette, the café under the KGB safehouse?""" +32171,3,"A man was having an affair One night, his mistress confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, yeah? Why is it strange?' he said. The wife responds ""It's from Italy, with no sender and on the back it's written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."" The husband fainted." +32172,0,"Hitler Did Nothing Wrong One day while Hitler was visiting a concentration camp, he found himself in a generous mood. Hitler called for his men to group all of the Jews in the camp to an area where they could all hear him. Upon the crowd's gathering, Hitler spoke to the cowering group as a whole, ""After seeing the terrible conditions of this camp, I have decided to send half of all of you home, does that sound acceptable?"" The Jews, confused but extremely hopeful now, looked around at each other before looking back up at the Nazi and nodded frantically. Hitler, satisfied with the reaction, turned to his men and yelled, ""Get the chainsaws!""" +32173,1,"Doctor: ""It looks like you're pregnant"" Woman: ""I'm pregnant? How?"" Doctor: ""No it just looks like you are""" +32174,1,My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII.. with a brush and shovel.. +32175,0,What does George RR Martin call his erectile dysfunction? Writer's cock +32176,3,What did Marcus Aurelius say to the stripper? Damn girl you've got some Epictetus. +32177,4,What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus You only need one nail for the picture +32178,0,How do you tease a Jewish midget? Heil Hitler so they can't high five you. +32179,4,"A man has been dating his girlfriend for quite a while... ...and the girl's father wants to make sure he is faithful, so he talks to his oldest daughter and tells her to ""tease him, show him your interested and try to take him upstairs to have sex. If he goes upstairs, let me know right away!"" So the night comes where the guy is hanging out at the father's house and he thinks he is alone waiting for his gf to get home. The eldest sister comes downstairs dressed in nothing but sexy lingerie and starts talking dirty and doing a strip tease and says ""no one is going to be home for a while, why don't you follow me upstairs?"" The guy gets up right away and runs out the front door. Waiting in the driveway is the father who hugs the guy and says he is a class act and the right man for his daughter. All while this is happening, the guy is saying in his mind ""thank god I left the condom in the car""" +32180,1,Chickens are never virgins They get laid when they're born. +32181,5,"An old lady dies and goes to Heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. ""Don't worry about that,"" says St. Peter, ""it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."" The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams ""Oh my God,"" says the old lady, ""now what is happening?"" ""Not to worry,"" says St. Peter, ""She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."" ""I can't do this,"" says the old lady, ""I'm going to hell."" ""You can't go there,"" says St. Peter. ""You'll be raped and sodomized."" ""Maybe so,"" says the old lady, ""but I've already got the holes for that." +32182,2,What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers? A math magician. +32183,0,What do you call a grain dispenser? Farro Faucet +32184,0,When will the travelling masturbator get here? He's coming +32185,2,"Why did the myopic man fell in the hole in the ground? Cuz, he didn't see that Well" +32186,6,"A guy asked a girl in a university library... ...""Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, ""NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, ""I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, ""I study law, and I know how to screw people.""" +32187,4,Why is it called the circle of life? Because it is pointless. +32188,2,What does a calf use to do maths? A cowculator. +32189,1,I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night. I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play. +32190,5,An apple a day keeps the doctor away... An orange a day keeps the plumber away... Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away. +32191,0,"LPT: Remember to get certain mental problems before entering college, because many provide free counseling services, and make your students more worth it. Sorry for the negativity. I'm using this tip myself." +32192,0,What did the john say ... What did the john say to the pimp with the not so hot prostitutes? A penny for your thots. +32193,2,I don't need to check my smoke detectors every month because my wife cooks more often than that +32194,0,"Wanna hear a joke about pretzels? *""Nevermind it's too twisted""*" +32195,1,"“Harry, you’re a unit of power!” I’m a Watt!?" +32196,2,How does a rapist start a family? Moves to Alabama. +32197,0,"A woman goes into a doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out the top of her panties. Doctor: Oh, that looks nasty. Woman: That's just the tip of the iceberg doctor." +32198,0,"An illegal immigrant, a radical Muslim Jihadist, and President Trump were walking together on a beach.... An illegal immigrant, a radical Muslim Jihadist, and President Trump were walking together on a beach in Florida when the illegal stumbled over a bottle in the sand. The immigrant picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a genie appeared. “I can only grant three wishes,” the genie said. “Since there are three of you, you may have a wish each.” Pointing at the illegal immigrant, he said, “Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish.” The illegal immigrant said, “This country is racist against my people! I wish to take every illegal immigrant back to their homeland with a wall 1000 feet high to exclude everyone else, then we can finally be happy and live in peace!” The genie clapped his hand and the illegal immigrant was transported to his homeland along with millions of “his” people inside a 1000 foot wall. Turning to the Jihadist, the genie asked, “And what is your wish?” The radical Muslim Jihadist said, “This country is bigoted against those who practice Sharia Law! I wish to take all of my people away from this horrible place loaded with infidels so we can live in a theocracy in Islamic countries and serve Allah inside a 10,000 foot wall. The genie clapped his hands and the jihadist, along with every other Radical Muslim in the country, was instantly transported to the Middle East inside their wall. Turning to President Trump, the genie asked, “And what is your wish?” ""Fill them both with water."" " +32199,1,"Man to woman in bar: Are you a school? Woman: No, why? Man: Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids inside of you." +32200,3,Did you know that dogs can't operate MRI machines? Fortunately catscan. +32201,3,"First Joke I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying ""Ooh, I love how smooth it is."" 0/10 would not do again :(" +32202,0,Whats something that unvaccinated kid and telling jokes about anti-vaxx parents have in common ? It's never get old +32203,3,"I told my son to get an education. He said, ""I won't."" I said, ""Why?"" He said, ""Cause you got one and now you're married with five kids.""" +32204,4,"I have the heart of a lion, and the eyes of an eagle. Also a lifetime ban from the zoo. ​" +32205,2,"What do pizza and sex have in common? When it’s good it’s mind blowing good but when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good" +32206,0,"A man and his dog Are out for a walk in the fields near a farm where a train track is nearby. The dog sniffs out a donkey that got hit by a train while he was chasing a hen. The donkey and the hen were killed and lay there rotting in the summer sun. The man and the dog start on the path home when the dog realizes he is pretty hungry so he separates for a bit and heads to the donkey's body ready for a nice meaty meal. He gets to the tracks and salivates at the smell of the fresh meat when suddenly a train comes out of nowhere and kills the dog. The moral of the story is ""never leave your best friend for a hot chick with a big ass""" +32207,0,What do you call bitcoin that has escaped the world of cryptocurrency? Loose change +32208,1,"My dad left 11 years ago to get some milk.... I don't really want him back, but I sure could use some milk." +32209,1,"donkey story Guy driving out in the country and sees a man out in a field having sex with a donkey. He pulls into the farmhouse and knocks on the door. Kid comes to the door, 12, 13 years old. ""Can I help you?"" ""Yeah, is your father at home? ""No"" ""Do you have a hired hand working here?"" ""Nope, it's just me and my father"" ""Well I think your dad is out there in that field fucking a donkey!"" ""Oh,"" says the kid, ""*hee-haw* ways does that!""" +32210,2,"I woke up on a clear night, gazing at millions of stars, and I wondered... Where the Hell is my roof?" +32211,3,How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs? None. They fell. +32212,7,when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others. The same thing is true if you're stupid. +32213,1,Rudolph the Red Rudolph the Red and his wife are talking. Rudolph the Red: It’s going to rain. Wife: How do you know? Rudolph the Red: Rudolph the red-nose reindeer +32214,0,"A meta joke walks into a skit. The meta joke asks the comedian ""What's on the show today?"" You" +32215,4,"Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said ""fuck you"". So i'm pretty excited about 2017." +32216,1,"Two Englishman, Irishmen, Welshmen and Scotsmen were stranded on an island. The Scotsmen got together and started a bank The Welshmen got together and started a choir The Irishmen got together and started a fight Whereas, the two Englishmen didn't even speak to each other. They hadn't been introduced!" +32217,0,I like my coffee like I like my women Black and tastes like warm diarrhea. +32218,0,Why is Donald Trump so angry at Deadpool? Because Deadpool broke the fourth wall before Trump had a chance to finish building it. +32219,2,My wife told me that I had to stop impersonating a flamingo. So I finally had to put my foot down. +32220,3,What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass. +32221,0,How can you tell when Stormy Daniels is getting ready to have sex with Trump? When her peggy peter's on. +32222,0,What do you call a douchebag's poop? Axecrement +32223,1,What's the worst thing about being an egg? You only get laid once -- and by your mum +32224,2,"Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, ""Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."" ""But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"" ""Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonna come home and maybe find your beautiful wife in bed with another man. What will u do then? Point your Rolex watch at him and say ""Time's up""?" +32225,2,What did they do with the politician who couldn't fit in his coffin? Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box +32226,3,Why does no one want to have sex with a feminist? Because they never let the other person finish. +32227,1,What's a terrorist's favorite music genre AK-pop +32228,2,I wondered why I couldn’t see the sun... ...and then it dawned on me. +32229,1,"Back in 'Nam, we had to eat Kim Chi He was our interpreter" +32230,6,I masturbate with soap Just thought I'd come clean. +32231,4,"The job of your dreams Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000? Do you want a corner office with windows? Do you love to travel? If so, then become a bus driver!" +32232,0,"Where do Middle Easterners hide their spare keys? In Kuwait, because it's under Iraq." +32233,1,"my friend played poker at the castle at some point, he had a sick hand but he also had a sick stomach he left the game to take a dump on a golden toilet he did not fret he smiled for either way, it was a royal flush" +32234,0,"I searched for ""Missing Medieval Servant"" on Google. It returned ""Page not found""." +32235,0,There's a new German brand of shoes called Hans off the vall. +32236,4,"After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia. So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup." +32237,0,What's the only thing more dangerous than an atom bomb? A woman on her period. +32238,1,Why did the banana not enjoy the playground? He was scared of the monkey bars. +32239,0,Why did the bad fortune teller get into a head on collision? Their foresight wasn't that good +32240,0,The cops arrested my phone yesterday. They charged it with battery. +32241,1,My ex went to the police. She told them I sexually amused her. +32242,2,I bought a new weed-whacker today It's cutting hedge technology +32243,0,I went into the wrong bathroom today I thought the sign said Red Aardvarks Only and I identify. Turns out it said Reddish Aardwolves Only. So embarrassed. +32244,5,Why do Indians not like snow? It is white and settles on their land. +32245,0,"How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!" +32246,0,"A spy, an artist, and a basketball player are chewing the fat on the beach It was a lovely day so the three friends got together to enjoy each other's company and engage in stimulating discussions about various topics. The spy was initially hesitant to rendezvous at the beach, as she preferred more secluded settings where she had a chance to blend in with the crowd. On the beach, this was not possible, as she possessed an unrivaled figure that would be sure to attract attention from horny onlookers. But the spy recognized the futility of her efforts to persuade her stubborn friends so she ultimately decided to dress as modestly as possible in hopes of deflecting unwelcome eyes. It didn't work. She was the only person within a five-mile radius who came overdressed for the occasion. The artist noticed that there were a group of teenagers playing volleyball nearby and went over to ask them if he could join. The basketball player was puzzled by his friend's initiative, as everyone considered the artist something of a recluse. Perhaps the sun worked in mysterious ways and inspired in the artist what little social sensibility he could muster. The spy didn't think much of the gesture and turned her attention to the basketball player. ""Why don't you go join them?"" She asked. ""After all, you're a professional athlete."" ""You know why"" responded the basketball player. ""I most certainly do not"" replied the spy. ""In that case, I'm not going to tell you."" The day was growing old and the three friends said their goodbyes before retreating to their abodes. The spy reclined on her love seat and had a glass of wine while putting on her favorite record. The artist sat in his attic and painted a scene inspired by the day's events on the beach. He would take intermittent breaks to meditate and reflect. By the time he was finished with his painting, it was so marvelous and captured the authentic feeling of his experience on the beach so accurately that it was almost too beautiful to bear. He was impressed by his ability to directly translate his complicated emotions to the canvas and vowed to never grow complacent or satisfied with his progress for fear of resigning himself to idleness. Across town, the basketball player reached her home. That's the joke, the basketball player is a woman. You don't have to like it." +32247,0,"Hold the door!!! ""What door?""" +32248,0,Does anyone actually think Schroeder jokes are funny? I'm still convinced they are and aren't +32249,0,"Updated traditional hotel joke A frantic traveler approaches a hotel desk late at night. ""Have you got a room?"" he asks. ""I'm sorry, sir."" The clerk replies. ""We're all booked up'"" ""Listen,"" says the traveler. ""If the President of the United States suddenly showed up, would you have a room for him?"" ""The current President?"" asks the clerk. ""Yes,"" says the traveler. ""No,"" says the clerk." +32250,0,I wish that I could give my luck to everyone. That i hate. +32251,0,Why is water the only substance that expands when it freezes? It wants to be a special snowflake. +32252,0,Did you read the article about corduroy pillowcases? ... They're making headlines. +32253,1,"A man and woman are on a first date The woman says, ""Tell me about yourself. Do you have any pets?"" The man replies, ""As a matter of fact, my pet mouse is having babies."" She replies, ""Oh, how wonderful! That must have been nice to see!"" The man shifts a little in his seat and says, ""I can't see it. But it feels incredible!""" +32254,0,"A Polish guy goes to a dentist in England. My amateur translation of a Polish joke: There is a Polish man that came to England recently, visitting relatives, but his tooth is hurting so he goes to a dentist. But he doesn't know english language so he arrived at the office and, sitting in dentist chair, he shows to his mounth pointing at a tooth and says ""here"" in Polish. But the Polish word that means ""here"" is ""tu"". So it sounds like he is saying ""two"", so the dentist remove two of his teeth. Confused the guy talks later with his cousin telling him about the situation, and his cousin tells him that the word he used means ""2"" in english. Some time passes and the same guy needs to go to the dentist again. Sitting in the chair he remembers his last mistake so now he decides to use different word, so he says ""this one"" in Polish. But the Polish word that means ""this one"" is ""ten"".." +32255,1,"I entered a pun competition Being a competitive sort, I scoured my brains for my very best puns, sorting them and analysing them by punningness, and finally submitting my very best top ten puns. I was sure I would win, or at least one would make the medals table. But unfortunately no pun in ten did." +32256,2,"Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife? Me: Honey, I already have someone like that! Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet! Me: Yeah, you should meet her!" +32257,0,"In an elevator with a lawyer If you were in an elevator with a tiger, a wolf and a lawyer but had two bullets.. what would you do? SHOOT THE LAWYER TWICE TO MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD!" +32258,0,What do you call a library on a plane? A skybrary. +32259,1,"If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs...." +32260,1,I can't understand my parents. I am 35 years old and they're still living with me. +32261,0,"3 Surgeons from different schools are bragging about their practices... I live near three universities - NC State, Duke, and UNC Chapel Hill - each with enthusiastic fans and alumni. It happened one day that a surgeon from each school ran into each other, and were making small talk by bragging about how easy their practices are. The first says ""I'm an NC State graduate, and I only operate on NC State graduates. When you open these guys up, their organs are numbered. I keep a chart on the wall to tell me how to connect each numbered organ to each other one, and so I open them up, sew them together according to the chart, and sew them back again. It's real easy."" The second says ""Well, I suppose that's ok. But I'm a Duke graduate, and I only operate on Duke graduates. When you open these guys up, not only are the organs numbered, but the connections are color-coded. I don't need a chart. I just hook up the blue to the blue, the red to the red, etc. It's even easier than that."" The third one says ""Well, I suppose that's all right. But I'm a UNC graduate, and I only operate on UNC graduates. There are only two parts, a mouth and an asshole. And they're interchangeable.""" +32262,1,What did an angry doughnut say to his wife? Doughnut talk to me. +32263,2,"A man was stuck at a desert island for 20 years. One day, he saw something approaching. With joy, the man looked at the approaching blur. At first, it appeared to be a ship, then a boat, then a raft and ultimately a woman in a diver's suit came out of the water. They talked. The woman asked, ""How long since you last had a cigarette ?"" The man said, ""20 years !"" The woman unzipped a zipper on her left arm and took out a pack and a lighter and gave it to him. The woman asked, ""How long since you last had some scotch ?"" The man said, ""20 years !"" The woman unzipped a zipper on her left arm and took out a bottle and gave it to him. Then the woman unzipped a huge zipper on the front of the suit and asked,""And how long since you had some REAL fun ?"" The man's face swelled with joy and asked,""Oh boy don't tell me you have golf clubs in there !""" +32264,0,"A walrus goes to the mechanic The mechanic says ""it looks like you blew a seal"" The walrus wipes his mouth and says ""sorry, it's just ice cream""" +32265,0,People keep asking me “why did you name you’re dog boomer?” Because he’s old grumpy and he shouts at black people all the time +32266,0,How do you spot a windows os programmer at a nudist's beach? Keep an eye out for that Microsoft thing. +32267,0,Who doesn't like lincoln logs john wilkes blocks +32268,2,What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip +32269,0,Did you hear about the golfer that shot a mexican? He got a hole in Juan. +32270,3,"A Blonde Goes On A Diet A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.""I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."" When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. ""Why, that's amazing!"" the doctor says. ""Did you follow my instructions?"" The blonde nods. ""I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."" ""From hunger, you mean?"" said the doctor. ""No, from skipping,"" replied the blonde. " +32271,1,"What did your hairline say to your eyebrows? It's my highground now, boy! I heard my 10yo say this to his friend who has a forehead like Pennywise." +32272,2,Yo Mama so fat... she had to get baptised at Sea World! +32273,1,I love doing sports related activities My two most favorite are the pre-workout and post-workout meals. +32274,1,I found a company that describes your dick! microsoft +32275,0,Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died. +32276,0,I like my coffee how I like my men Irritating my bowels. +32277,0,What does a waffle from the hood say when his friend gets grabbed? Hey! Leggo my neggo! +32278,1,Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns But they will be sticking with their Gunn +32279,6,"A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it. ""What's that?"" he asks the drunk. ""Th-tha's my talking clock!"" The drunk stutters. ""It's a little vulgar, though."" The friend wants to know how the clock works, so the drunk grabs the sledge and hammers away at the plate, making a ton of noise. Almost immediately, there's a voice: ""IT'S THREE AM YOU FUCKING CUNT!""" +32280,0,"A predator walks up to a woman and says: ""Youre hot!""" +32281,1,How do you pick up a Muslim girl? Piece by piece +32282,1,Why do the /r/jokes moderators like chess? It's the only chance they have to mate. +32283,0,"Two men walk into a whorehouse One of them had a wife who had a child a few months ago, the other was single. The single man says ""sherry! Haven't got busy with you lately! Where were you the last year and a half?"" Sherry says ""maternity leave.""" +32284,2,If we talk about reading like we talk about drugs.... it would be a whole different story. +32285,1,What is an iPhone without me? Phone +32286,1,I had my urine sample stolen from the lab today... Talk about taking the piss +32287,1,My friend was telling me about his plans to build a second level on his home It sounded like a tall story +32288,0,What's black & red all over? A zebra with sunburn. +32289,2,"Hunting accident Two oldtimers Bill and Ted, are out in the woods hunting deer, having a few beers and remembering days gone by. Suddenly Bill clutches his chest ""Aaarh my heart, I think I'm dying, help Ted"" and down he goes, out cold no pulse. Ted grabs his phone and hits 911 ""help, I'm in the woods and my pal just dropped dead, what should I do?"". The operator answers ""OK sir don't panic, first thing to do is make sure he's actually dead"" ""OK give me a second"" BANG ""Right, now he's definitely dead...what next?""." +32290,0,For hire: Unemployed dwarf No job; too small +32291,0,You know my man Cheese? He hangs out on the block. +32292,0,"The origins of the greatest joke in english Ok folks , Im not gonna lie , Im not attractive , i am a 6/10 , I play video games and i have social anxiety , But i am really close friends with the cross street neighbor who was 9/10 , but we had nothing together more than just friends , i guess you could say i had a great friend zone , Any ways one day a new neighbor moves in , She is a solid 7/10 , And i make moves on her , One thing led to another and im in her bed naked and she is next to me , 1 week goes by , And the whole neighbor hood knew that we were together . Suddenly my 9/10 friend started making moves on me , But me being the loyal boyfriend i am i didnt do any thing back , one day i see her naked standing on my front porch , that 9/10 went up to 20/10 , And i could not help it . while we were in the middle of it my 7/10 love came in and in total disbelief went away crying , 2 days later i watch the news and i see my 7/10 girl with blood on her mouth and my 9/10 friend on the ground , news headline says she ate her .and i was in my house terrified , But then i remembered : Why was the 6 afraid of 7? because 7 8 9 BA DUM TSS" +32293,1,How to find an anti-vaxxer Don't worry about it. You'll find them when you pass by the cemetery. +32294,0,I just cut a tree down my looking at it I swear! I saw it with my own eyes +32295,1,Whats your favorite vegetable? Stephen Hawking +32296,1,"Legend tells of an incredible hero... Legend tells of an incredible hero: Carto-Man. Half of his body is a regular human, but the other half is made up of a key from a map. The man, the myth, the legend" +32297,2,Did you know Hitler went completely blind toward the end of his life? He actually killed himself because he could Nazi. +32298,6,I called the rape advice hotline today Apparently it's only for victims +32299,2,What did the pirate’s dad say when he found out his son burned down 10 buildings? Arrrrrgh son!!!!! +32300,0,"Two christians are on a hunting trip After pitching their tent and cooking dinner, they hear a sound in the bushes nearby. One of them ventures out of the circle of firelight and comes back with a terrified look in his eyes. ""It's a grizzly bear!"" ""Well, our guns are 50 feet away and the bear is between them and us. What should we do???"" ""Let's pray that it will be a christian bear."" So both men get down on their knees and pray the hardest they have in their entire lives. 30 seconds later, a snarling bear bursts through the bushes. The men cower, still praying for a miracle. Suddenly, the bear stops, folds its paws and kneels down. ""Thank God, we're saved!"" the hunters think, still not willing to move. Suddenly the bear speaks. ""Bless us oh Lord, and these thy gifts...""" +32301,0,Why did the prostitute move to the country? They heard there was untapped potential there. +32302,0,What would Hodor be called if he had lived in this decade? HODLdor +32303,2,"I am going to go down on you, make you feel reall good. Then I'll slowly come back up and fuck you. Lots of love, Petrol prices." +32304,1,What’s ODB’s favorite subreddit? Ooo baby he likes r/aww +32305,4,"An Eskimo man turned 18... His father said to him ""To be a true Eskimo man you must do three things. Drink a whole bottle of vodka, kill a polar bear with your own two hands and then make love to an eskimo woman."" ""Alright lets get started."" The man says and he starts chugging the bottle. After a minute or two he finishes it. His father helps him up ""Now for that polar bear."" His father says as he leads him out the door. They arrive at the polar bears cave. He stumbles in and after a few minutes his father hears the most violent screaming ever. After a few more minutes he he stumbles out of the cave bruised and bloody and says to his dad- ""Now where's that woman I gotta kill?""" +32306,4,A man entered his home... and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stole every lamp in the house. +32307,0,"The golden rule for nice guys: Nice guys get nice, and assholes get ass." +32308,1,"A man is sentenced to death by firing squad On the day he is going to get executed, he doesn't ask for a last meal or anything special like that. When he is standing facing the firing squad he asks the guard one thing Man: I am a music lover and I didn't ask for anything special on my last day. Can you please let me sing my favorite song, one time all the way through without any interruptions? Guard: I suppose since you have not had anything special happen to you, I will allow it. Man: Ok. One billion bottles of beer on the wall..... Rumor has it he is still singing to this day." +32309,0,"Road Head Her: Have you ever tried road head? Him: Yeah, but I probably won't again. Her: Why's that? Him: I almost got in an accident! It's hard to drive while giving head." +32310,0,"At a graduation, one graduate threw his cap in the air too early. Now that's what I call a case of premature ecapulation." +32311,2,How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them. +32312,1,"Did you hear about the new show about Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin? It's called [Removed]" +32313,0,The Worlds Greatest Joke Will always be the Punniest. +32314,0,Whats black and white... And black and white and black and white and black and white and red? A nun falling down the stairs. +32315,1,"I used to be a pimp for a horse, but she only got paid for sex one time. She was a real one trick pony." +32316,1,"A career change can happen quickly in today's society. For example, there once was a dentist who became a brain surgeon within a matter of seconds. All it took was for his drill to slip." +32317,0,"A man buys a second hand parrot He brings the parrot home, and discovers that the parrot likes to swear a lot. He is not very happy with that, and tells the parrot: ""I will cover your cage with a blanket and you can sit in the dark until you stop swearing."" As soon as he covers the cage up the parrots starts getting even more profane. The guy is shocked, and the tells the parrot: ""Oh , so you like it in the dark, lets put you in the fridge and see how you like that"" He throws the parrot in the refrigerator and shuts the door, but the parrot is going nuts inside the fridge, its swearing even worse, not even god and saints are safe in those swearwords. ""Oh, I see, you like the fridge too? How about i put you in the freezer for a bit?"" The guy says and puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few seconds it looks like its not working, the parrot is still swearing, when suddenly it cuts off mid sentence and remains quiet. The guy is a bit worried by the silence, so he checks in on the parrot, finds him just sitting there quietly and shivering a little. ""You learned your lesson then?"" he asks the parrot, and the parrot only nods. Guy puts the parrot on his shoulder and is happy he has finally tamed that bad language. ""Can i just ask one thing?"" asks the parrot ""Sure"" the guy says. ""What did the chicken do?""" +32318,3,Therapist ask what my greatest fear is therapist: what’s your greatest fear me: randomly going blind therapist: i see me: but for how long?? +32319,0,"The bus So there was 10 people on the bus to start with. 2 got off. 3 got on. 10 less than 20+9 got on. 5 squared is the number of people who got off. 5 times that many got on. One man had the wrong stop, so he got back on again. 3 x 50.33 got on. 3 cubed got off. Now, make sure you have the number of people left . . . And for the question. What was the name of the bus driver?" +32320,3,"A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder... A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: ""Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! The passenger apologized and said, ""I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."" The driver replied, ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years "" " +32321,0,If there’s something strange… in your bathroom… who you gonna call? Ghostflushers! +32322,2,"Dave is walking down the road with a woman on his back Dave's friend approaches and asks where he is going. Dave replies ""I'm going to a fancy dress party"". Dave's friend then asks what he is dressing up as and dave replies, ""A tortoise"" Dave's friend then asks who the girl on Dave's back is and Dave replies, ""Oh that's Michelle"" " +32323,0,"My neice asked me what it was like being drunk I said you see that tree? when you are drunk you see two or four trees she said, there is no trees. we are in a parking lot at walmart." +32324,0,Did you hear about Bob Barker? The guy who hosted The price is right? He passed away. He got hit by a BRRAAANNNDDDD NEEEWWWWW CAAARRRRRRRR!!! +32325,0,I went to see a magic show that featured vanishing rattles The performance was absolutely maraca-less +32326,0,What is a software engineer's least favorite instrument? An OBOE +32327,0,"Give Her What She Wants Wife asks her husband to pass her a newspaper. He replies, ""Newspaper? Are yo really that behind reality? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper? Here, take my iPad instead."" The wife takes the iPad and uses it to kill a cockroach. Her husband faints. " +32328,0,"I was dropping off a parcel. On the front door there was a sign. It said, ""Leave around the back."" So I drove through their garden, but there was no way out. " +32329,1,Que dijo un mar al otro? ola +32330,0,Give me ambiguity.... .....or give me something else +32331,0,Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? He has testicular cancer.... The elfs say the chemo isn't really working. :( fuck 2016 I wanted a new Xbox one. +32332,5,Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins? Sunday. Monday is a weekday. +32333,0,What do you call an annoying rope? A noosance! +32334,3,"A doctor and a lawyer are at a party... People at the party keep coming up to the doctor and asking him for medical advice. The doctor gets aggravated that he cannot enjoy the party because of the constant medical questions. He notices that his lawyer friend is sitting peacefully in a corner and hasn't been disturbed all night. The doctor walks over to the lawyer and asks him how he is able to go to parties without being bombarded with legal questions. The lawyer replies, ""anytime someone asks me for legal advice I send them a bill in the mail."" The doctor is ecstatic and decides he is going to do the same. When he gets home he writes out bills for everyone who had asked his advice that night. The next day the doctor can barely contain his excitement as he walks down the street to deliver the bills. When he opens his mailbox, he is surprised that he's gotten a letter from his lawyer friend. When he opened the envelope he realized the lawyer had sent him a bill for the previous nights legal advice." +32335,7,"Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod." +32336,1,Where do find feminists in Russia? Gulags +32337,0,It's my cake day. You wanna hear a funny joke? my life. +32338,2,"A man is canoeing in the everglades After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost. To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop. At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im lost” The animal surfaces and says “see that island ahead? Go to around the right hand side of it- If you try to go left of the island, you’ll run into shallow water and a bunch of mangrove roots Then, follow its contour until the sun is directly to your right- the correct heading will have your compass at about 285 degrees,30 minutes. 300 meters straight ahead from there, you should see your truck.” Frightened, the man begins paddling hard, but relys on what he’s heard, thinking he’s hallucinating and hearing his subconscious. The crocodilian follows him. Astoundingly, he sees his truck just as the animal pulls up next to him. Unfortunately, he’s exhausted, and hesitant to hop onto the shore for fear of becoming dinner. The animal surfaces and says “There you go! See your truck? Have a great night” The man, now realizing that he was not hallucinating, gasps “Thanks!..... waitaminute. I’ve lived in Florida my whole life but never seen your kind. What kind of alligator are you?” “You’re very welcome! I’m a Navigator”" +32339,2,Finally got to tell the kid he was adopted today! The face he made as we made him pack his stuff and leave was priceless +32340,0,My order came to $6.66 at White Castle. You know what that means..? I'm going to have diarrhea tonight. +32341,4,What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers. +32342,6,"I asked this lady if I could touch her hair She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started." +32343,1,Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault? They didn’t know the safe word. +32344,0,"A lip-reading deaf man storms into his life coach's office ""What the fuck, man? I followed your advice to a tee. After dinner, I made her watch me masturbate and then came on her dress. She stormed off in a rage and now I might go to jail. You call yourself a life coach?"" The life coach takes a second and then realizes the his client's mistake. ""You need to be more careful with that lip reading, buddy. I said women like to be wined and dined, not Weined and Steined.""" +32345,1,"I hit Chewbacca with my car, and killed him. I feel bad, but I didn't want the meat to go to waste, so I cooked it. It was chewy. " +32346,2,What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. +32347,1,"Wife comes home late. Husband jokingly, ""Don't tell me you slept with one of your coworkers again"" Wife:" +32348,0,Please stop asking me what i'm doing next week! I don't have 2020 vision +32349,0,My girlfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t a good “adder” I’d rather be an anaconda anyway +32350,3,What state has the smallest drinks Mini-soda +32351,0,Why did the chicken attend the seance? To get to the other side. +32352,2,My lights remind me of my uncle Because I turned them both on +32353,0,AGEN SBOBET88 +32354,0,"Met with a girl on tinder, Turns out her eyes were on her elbows instead of her face. She looked different than I thought she would." +32355,0,Why is 98 degrees considered the prime boy band in Europe? There they are known as 37 C. +32356,0,"[Politics] A Cuban Refugee, A Canadian Immigrant, A Texas Separatist, A obstructionist politician, A Christian Extremist and A white Supremacist walk into a bar The tender say, what'll be Senator Cruz?" +32357,1,A big shout out to... Everyone who doesnt know the opposite of in! +32358,0,whats the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt Bolt actually managed to finish a race +32359,1,I was at the club last night And they played ‘Twist and Shout!’ So I started to Twist and Shout. They then played ‘Jump Around’ so I started to jump around. Then they played ‘Come on Eileen’ and they kicked me out! +32360,2,Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet He just scares the shit out of it +32361,0,Why do companies spend so much on advertising? When they could just tell 1 woman. +32362,1,Did you hear about the guy who got elbowed in the mouth? He was armed to the teeth. +32363,1,How do you know when someone isn't financially independent? When you're too afraid to leave them a loan +32364,2,What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12. +32365,1,"A local restaurant closed down... It all started going wrong when the owner wanted to teach his son how to have an active but safe sex life, he did it subtly by changing the name of one of the menu items to '70s netflix and chill' Suddenly people stopped coming and when the son asked his dad what was up he said ""Guess no one likes bangers and M.A.S.H""" +32366,2,I’m gonna name my kid Jesus Christ Cause it will be a miracle if anyone ever has sex with me +32367,0,what do you call someone with unreasonable hearing? ear-rational +32368,2,"My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for ""obstructive"". That's unreasonable." +32369,0,"An English teacher sets a task for his little students. An English teacher set a task for his 10 year old students. ""Kids, I want you to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence for me."" After 5 minutes of silence and perplexed faces, the first student stuck his hand up. ""Go on Billy, tell us your sentence."" ""Me and my daddy went to the museum and I was fascinated by the dinosaur bones!"" ""No Billy - you said 'fascinated'; I'm looking for a sentence with 'fascinate' in."" A few more minutes of silence went by. ""My mum took me to the zoo and I was fascinated by the penguins!"" Said Katie. ""No Katie - you used 'fascinated', I want 'fascinate'."" Replied the teacher. More silence passed. Johnny shouted ""My grandmother knitted herself a cardigan with 10 buttons, sir!"" The confused teacher asked what's that got to do with the task. ""Well her tits are that big, she can only fasten eight!"" " +32370,3,"A Father decides to get a divorce An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York. He says ""Hey listen, I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell ya something... after 48 years of misery, enough is enough. Your mother and I are getting a divorce."" The kid says ""Pop! What are you talking about?!"" He replies ""Look, we can't stand the sight of each other any more, and I'm honestly sick of talking about this, so do me a favor, call your sister in Chicago and tell her"" He hangs up Frantic, the son quickly calls his sister who explodes on the phone ""There's no way they're getting a divorce!! I'll take care of this!!"" She immediately calls the old man, he picks up and she screams ""You are NOT getting a divorce, I'm calling my brother back and we are both coming there tomorrow! Until then, don't do a thing, you understand me?!"" The daughter hangs up and the father turns to his wife and says ""Well honey they're both coming home for Christmas and they're paying for their own flight""" +32371,4,"Urinals Too High A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ""You must be in the 5th grade."" ""No ma'am he replied, ""I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help."" " +32372,10,I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number 2. My social security number 3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate +32373,5,Just imagine life without women... It'd be a pain in the butt! +32374,3,"A woman walks into a dry cleaners and says ""I've got another dress for you"" The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, replies ""come again?"" The woman responds with ""No this time its mayonnaise""" +32375,0,What type of beverage do they drink in Duluth? Mini-Sodas! +32376,7,"So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope ""Hold on for a minute,"" and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: ""Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."" Chief: ""How important? A governor or something?"" Cop: ""No sir. He's bigger."" Chief: ""So, what? a celebrity or something?"" Cop: ""More important, sir."" Chief: ""A major politician?"" Cop: ""No sir, he's much more important."" Chief: ""WELL WHO IS IT!?"" Cop: ""Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver.""" +32377,0,What has 4 legs but can’t walk? A dead dog. +32378,2,How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. +32379,0,What is a soup-lover's favorite sport? Bowling +32380,3,I’m a virgin but for religious reasons.... ...in that god made me very ugly. +32381,2,When I was a little boy everyone laughed at me for wanting to be a stand up comedy actor. So I became one and no one is laughing now. +32382,6,"A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?” I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”" +32383,3,Why is this joke bad for the environment? Because it wasn't recycled. +32384,2,"There are actors called Tom Holland and Tom Hollander I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland." +32385,1,What do you call an Irishman that hangs out outside all day and all night? Paddy O'Furniture +32386,1,My dad used to own a donkey that would draw his cart... ...but he sold it for a horse that did watercolors. +32387,1,A blonde and a brunette are talking Blonde: what does idk stand for Brunette: I don't know Blonde: omg like nobody does +32388,2,"How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One guy to screw it in, the other guy to shoot him for not doing it right." +32389,5,"So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today. That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year." +32390,2,How did Beethoven get to be so famous? Some people just have mad scales. +32391,0,I fantasized so much about anal before I once convinced my girlfriend we try it. That shit hurts. +32392,3,"Did you hear about the boxers' union? They demanded equal rights, lefts and uppercuts." +32393,1,I recently became the manager of a small shop The first thing I did was install a big barrier around the cooked meat and sandwiches section. My employees asked me why so I told them. A good manager relies on Deli gating. +32394,5,"What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck." +32395,9,"Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles." +32396,1,"A man walks into a bar. When signing the bill, the bartender gives him a 10 inch pen. Amused, the man asks where the bartender got the big Bic pen from. The bartender says a genie granted him a wish. The man laughs at the bartender in disbelief. The bartender not wanting to be called a lier, reaches under the bar, pulls out the lamp and puts in front of the man. The man then rubs the lamp and asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie nods his head and says “granted! You will have that waiting for you when you get home!” When the man goes home, there are a million ducks waiting for him. The next day the man comes back to the bar, upset at the bartender and the genie. “Hey!” He exclaims. “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!” To which the bartender replies “do you you really think I asked for a big fat Bic?!”" +32397,0,"I just ended a 5 year old relationship... Don't worry, my wife doesn't know." +32398,1,What does a teenage southern girl say while having sex? Get off me Daddy! You're crushing my cigarettes! +32399,0,"Hey, baby, have you been to Molten Core lately? Because you're THE BOMB!" +32400,1,Joke I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. +32401,3,You know you're old when... ...what were we talking about? +32402,2,Masturbation It cums in handie. +32403,0,"When ever I hear someone say it was an accident that they got pregnant. What did you do, trip and fall on a dick?" +32404,0,Patient:Doctor ! Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! +32405,6,"During a parole hearing. Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec... Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have... Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied." +32406,0,"My Boss just fired me yesterday after I confronted him for fucking my wife. He said, “ I don’t like your behavior. If made a list of your bad qualities, all the vowels would run out. You are Arrogant Egoistic Insane Odd” I replied,” No u”" +32407,8,"Cigarettes are like hamsters Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire." +32408,4,What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee you racist fuck. +32409,0,"My roommate had a terrible rash My roommate had a terrible rash that didn't seem to want to go away. He decided to go see the doctor about it. I came home that day to see him crying on the couch. ""Oh no... bad news?"" ""Nope! The doctor said I'll be fine. He told me to 'Just go home and moist your eyes.'""" +32410,2,What is the two best part of a wedding? The playing of the organ and the coming of the bride. +32411,0,You know you’re a redneck if ... Your wife’s hair has ever been wrecked by a ceiling fan! +32412,0,Why do Mexican cars have such small steering wheels? So they can be driven while handcuffed. +32413,2,(Dirty!) Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor. +32414,0,"An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex!!! Doctor's removed 2 iPhone's, 3 Samsung's and a Sony but no siemen was found " +32415,1,"Hey baby, are you a gorilla exhibit? Coz I wanna drop a baby into you. " +32416,0,How do I like lesbian relationships? In HD +32417,3,"Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys, I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey." +32418,3,"The son went to his dad and asked him, ""Dad, what's an alcoholic?"" So the dad replied, ""Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."" The son replied, ""But Dad, I only see two.""" +32419,1,"A man walking down the street thinks he recognizes someone. Don't I know you from Toledo? I've never been to Toledo. Neither have I. Hmm, must have been two other people." +32420,1,"A scientist today admitted to having paid a prostitute thousands of dollars. It was for an experiment and he made her take a special chemical compound with some sparkling water in attempts to increase her IQ by over 80 points. The experiment failed, however it proves you can lead a whore to water but you can't make her think. - Colin Mochrie" +32421,4,What happens when you mix the DNA of a human and a goat? You get kicked out of the petting zoo. +32422,2,I went to a museum and I asked if I could take a picture... The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the wall. +32423,1,What's the difference between a burner and a hippie? (Burning Man) A ticket +32424,0,What do you call it when you get pinkeye from a doctor turned actor/comedian? KenJeongtivitis. +32425,4,"Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town... Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ""mail order"" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be. Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. ""How's the new wife?"" asked the banker. Bob proudly said, ""Good! She's pregnant."" The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ""And how's the hired hand?"" Bob smiled broadly and replied, ""Oh, She's pregnant too.""" +32426,0,What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. +32427,2,My girlfriend begged me to make her scream so I set her cat on fire. +32428,1,Most of these jokes aren't funny at all... Just like Amy Schumer +32429,5,I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents... who molested me. credit: Ryan Stout +32430,0,Flies spread disease So remember to keep yours closed at all times +32431,0,What does a horse do for fun? Horseplay! +32432,1,Why is it always cloudy in Liverpool Because they banned The Sun +32433,1,Why does Cinderella never win the Olympics? She has a pumpkin for a coach and runs away from the ball. +32434,6,"Satan appeared at the front of the church A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, ""Don't you know who I am?"" The man replied, ""Yep, sure do."" ""Aren't you afraid of me?"" Satan asked. ""Nope, sure ain't,"" said the man. ""Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"" asked Satan. ""Don't doubt it for a minute,"" returned the old man, in an even tone. ""Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?"" persisted Satan. ""Yep,"" was the calm reply. ""And you're still not afraid?"" asked Satan. ""Nope."" More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ""Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"" The man calmly replied, ""Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!.." +32435,0,I checked my bank app and it said I had no balance How do they know about my vertigo??? +32436,5,"A pirate walks into the doctors office with a steering wheel on his penis The Doctor asks ""Sir, doesn't that hurt?"" and the Pirate replies ""Aye, it be driving me nuts!""" +32437,3,What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed? You would be stoned to death. +32438,0,"A rabbi and a German walk into a bar but the rabbi doesn’t drink alcohol, what does he order? A water for the rabbi and juice fresh off the oven for the German." +32439,0,What happened to the peanuts that entered the bar? They were a salted. +32440,0,A buddy of mine hasn't ever seen Good Will Hunting... I always remind him that it's not his fault. +32441,7,"I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! ""Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character"" I said. ""Fuck off"" She shouted ""I haven't got dressed you asshole!""" +32442,2,"A boy was walking down the road When a man in a car pulled up beside him and asked ""if I give you a sweet will you come in my car?"" The boy turned round and said ""give me the bag mate and I'll come on your face""." +32443,0,I always cut the crusts off my sandwiches It's just the way I roll. +32444,1,what do pirates do with old boats? they have a yard sail +32445,1,Why aren't pregnant women hungry? Cos they gestate! +32446,0,What would Freud say comes between fear and sex? Funf. +32447,3,"A man visits the clinic A man visited a clinic one day, the man looked straight into the nurses eyes and asked"" Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"" ""Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."" ""Alright then"" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to calm herself. ""Forgive me"" said the nurse. ""I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"" ""It's swollen"" the man replied. Things went downhill from there" +32448,1,"Commas in a sentence can change everything. I helped my uncle jack, off a horse. I helped my uncle jack off a horse." +32449,1,What does the Chineese Govt and a pair of used anal beads have in common? CENSORED +32450,0,What is Slantas favorite Christmas song? No-L +32451,0,Shout out Shout out to those who wonder what the opposite of in is! +32452,3,Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg? It was ruthless. +32453,1,What do you call a Russian tree ? Dimitree +32454,3,We've updated Skype so you have the latest version... it includes performance improvements and general fixes. +32455,1,The Flash was arrested for molesting a child He was charged as a speedophile +32456,0,What do you call a black necromancer? A negromancer. +32457,0,What’s the difference between a knife and a feminist? Only one has a point. +32458,2,Meeting Tom Hanks made my whole day ... [NSFW] meeting Kevin Spacey made my hole weak. I'll see myself out ... Disclaimer: I met none. +32459,1,"A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson... He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them. He found he pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. He asked him why and his son said, “I just know that if I touch any of them, I’ll break them and I’m too afraid to do that!” So he went to check on the optimist. He found her elbow deep in the manure, throwing it around! He said, “Hey! What are you doing???” And she replied, “Oh, daddy, I just know there’s a pony around here if I look hard enough!”" +32460,0,The good news is that Trump only has been president for 30 days... the bad news is that the world is going to end. +32461,3,"A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying,"" If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."" The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, ""What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?"" The boy responds, ""Then I'd be a bus driver.""" +32462,2,If life's my oyster... Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish +32463,0,I have just finished my sandwich degree I do my final eggs ham tomorrow. +32464,0,"Horse Farm I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!! From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org Hey, I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested. Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie, It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses. My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm. I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one. You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment. The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them. I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start? Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!! From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie, I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity. Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume." +32465,1,"I bought a generic frosted flakes box... THEYYYYYY'RE... ...alright, I guess." +32466,1,I had quite the shock when I was told I would never talk again... I was speechless +32467,1,"A wife tells her husband not to drink A wife tells her husband to not drink at the bar. However, he does not listen and decides to drink anyways. He ends up getting wasted and throws up, a lot of it landing on his shirt. He says to the bartender,"" I can't go home, my wife will know that I was drinking."" The bartender says, "" You could say that some guy threw up on you and gave you ten dollars for dry cleaning."" The husband says,' that is a great idea and puts the money in his breast pocket."" The man finds his way home and the first thing his wife says was that he has been drinking. The husband says,"" no, some guy threw up on me and gave me ten dollars for the dry cleaning."" She reaches into his pocket and says, "" but this is a twenty dollar bill."" His response..."" He also shit in my pants""" +32468,4,"A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. ""You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. ""Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."" The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?" +32469,1,What time is it when you have $1.25? A quarter past four. +32470,3,I really don't get racism In the end we all taste the same +32471,0,Art joke never date an artist. .... Way too sketchy. +32472,1,Why do all spanish like shellfish? Because it's Si-food... +32473,1,How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it! +32474,0,"It Is A Known Fact That All Daughters-In-Law Have Problems With Their Mother-In-Law. Anyway... One Day All The Daughters-In-Law All Got Together And Decided To Apologise To Their Mothers-In-Law For Everything They Had Supposedly Done Wrong. A Week Later The Daughters-In-Law Decided To Take Their Families (Including Their Mothers-In-Law) On A Picnic. The Mothers-In-Law Were All In One Bus, Which Was The First To Leave, On The Way Their Bus Had An Accident And All The Mothers-On-Law Died. The Daughters-In-Law Were Devastated But One In Particular One Was More Heart Broken Than The Rest. Everyone Tried To Console Her By Telling Her That At Least Her Mother-In-Law Had Died Without Any Tension Between Them. But Still She Cried. Eventually When She Was Calm Enough To Speak, The Other Women Asked Her, ""Why Are You Crying So Much? Was Your Mother-In-Law That Special?"" The Woman No Sobbing Uncontrollably Replied... ""No, She Missed The Bus!""" +32475,3,What do you call a person without a body or a nose? Nobody knows! +32476,0,"My car had trouble starting So I asked a mechanic friend to take a look at my car. He replied, ""Yup. That's a car""" +32477,1,What do you call imitation Vietnamese noodle soup? Faux. +32478,0,Where do a community of horses live in? A ***Neigh***-borhood +32479,2,Do you want to hear a construction joke? I’m working on it +32480,3,What's a Jew's biggest dilemma? Free ham +32481,0,"Why did Sarah fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sarah! " +32482,4,"Anger Management As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should ""Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."" So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters." +32483,2,In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one. +32484,0,Did you hear about what happened on the news? Apparently there was a real hang-up +32485,2,"While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three. And promptly received a one-world answer: ""Yes."" Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, ""Yes, what?"" Instantly the machine replied ""Yes, sir!""" +32486,0,"The Bag of almonds was tried for murder. He was deemed legally sane, even though everyone could see he was nuts." +32487,0,"Hellen Keller walks into a bar Then a chair, then the table, then the wall..." +32488,1,Doctor: So I've been told there's a problem with the eyesight? John Cena: Yeah. You can't see me. +32489,10,A naked woman robbed a bank Nobody could remember her face +32490,2,"NSFW Procrastination is like masterbation at first it feels good, but in the end you're just fucking yourself." +32491,5,Who is this Rorschach guy? And why does he always paint my parents fighting? +32492,9,Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? Because the sign says No Tres passing +32493,0,What do you call a worm that can rap? Compost Malone +32494,1,What kind of meat does the pope eat? Nun +32495,1,I hate it when people tell abortion jokes. It just sucks the life out of the room. +32496,0,Me: Today’s my birthday Friend: Fuck you liar! You said that last year! +32497,0,This also worked as a joke +32498,1,What concert costs 45 cents? 50 cents with nickelback +32499,2,What do you call a group of cows smoking marijuana. High steaks +32500,0,What's a metaphor? Keeping the cows in +32501,1,"Who wants to hear a hat joke? Never mind, it'd go right over your head." +32502,0,"How to ruin sympathy fast My bedroom is very small. It's pokey. Like a deluxe room at a Japanese pod hotel. Everything has to be very tidy and in its place to make it look like I don't sleep in a charity shop store room, where they keep all surplus stock not good enough to have out on the racks. I sleep on a top bunk bed because I stripped the bottom bunk out to make space for my piano and cupboards. Total walking space in my bedroom - a modest 3m². Ideal for moments of circular contemplation. I was telling my boss about all this recently. She's a lovely woman. Very thoughtful and accommodating, appreciative, caring and happy. And she likes to enjoy a nice craft beer at the end of the day. I was telling her about the miserly amount of sleeping space I get in my bunk bed, because it's made of metal and has a headboard and feetboard(?) which locks my 6'4"" body inside a 6'3"" frame. So most nights I sleep like an unmotivated starfish. If its proper baltic and the metal feetboard feels like ice on my toes then I will sleep fetal - but I prefer not be scrunched up. My boss listened attentively to my tales of woe, which must have been very boring for her. I moaned about the unsatisfactory dimensions of UK bunk beds, and how successive generations of kids are generally taller than the last, but bunk bed lengths hadn't reflected this trend in child growth. Then I instantly ruined all sympathy in the air by talking about the perfect length a mattress would have to be for me, by asserting to my boss - ""If I want to feel completely relaxed in bed then I'd need at least 4 inches to play with""." +32503,0,"Hey dad, I've always wondered, why did you guys name me Noe?"" ""Well kiddo, you know how your mom always says how literal I can be."" ""I don't understand dad, what does that have to do with my name?"" ""Well, when we were filling out your birth certificate even though your mom didn't entirely trust me not to make a joke of it, I still had to fill it out since she was still loopy on the pain meds. Well, your mom insisted I write down the name we chose for you. She then reminded me what it was and then she repeated it again slowly and clearly and well... that's how it ended up."" ""I still don't get it, dad how does that explain Noe?"" ""It's not my fault, she told me to write down Noel, remember-- NO-EL.""" +32504,0,"I just had to get this out my head. A man named Os waiting in line for his coffee sees a beautiful woman with an amazing posterior in front of him. He is immediately lovestruck and goes to strike up a conversation with her, they get talking and find out they're perfect for each other. They then get to know each other for a couple of months and eventually he finds out she has had an ex. But she tells him she truly enjoyed him in every way. They do really love each other and enjoy each other very much in bed. Particularly eating out her ass, which they both enjoyed very much. A few years down the line, Os gets a cancer called mesothelioma, and is very close to death, the girl breaks down completely, screams ""Not again!"" and runs from him on the hospital bed, never to return again. As the man, heartbroken and confused, lay on his bed, a man enters the room, and says to him, ""Hmm... You got mesothelioma after dating her too huh?"" Os replies, ""What do you mean too? How did you know what cancer I had?"" The other man replies, ""I was her ex. I knew her ass best. Os.""" +32505,4,My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Then the librarian told me to take it out. +32506,1,Did you hear about the sailor that was turned into a pumpkin pie? He's now a squashbuckling pirate +32507,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the other side was eggcellent +32508,0,Why does everyone hate haematite? Because it is very ore-dinary +32509,4,"A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it. The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take. ""Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects,"" the doctor replied. ""But, I can write you a prescription that should fix the problem entirely."" ""What is it?"" ""Marijuana,"" the doctor said plainly, writing on his pad. ""Really, pot increases penis size?"" ""No, you just wont give a fuck anymore.""" +32510,2,No matter how kind you are Germany children will always be kinder +32511,1,"What's black, cheap, and not worth a damn? A cup of decaf " +32512,0,"You know, I tried to smoke a turkey last once couldn’t get the damn thing lit." +32513,1,I've had sex with a ton of women. Or 6 if we are going by individuals. +32514,2,My ex-wife told me I was close minded and I should try everything once... I suggested we try divorce +32515,1,"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The bartender looks at him and says “Hey, you know there’s a steering wheel in your pants right?” The pirate responds “Yarr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”" +32516,2,"An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.” The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?” “I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re here in this meshuganah office,” Morty said. “See,” his wife said, “nothing but complaints. It’s driving me crazy!” “Ok,” said the therapist, here’s what I want you to do. Morty, do you like food?” “Some of it.” “Ok, I want you to name one restaurant where you’ve never had a bad meal. Can you do that?” “Sure,” Morty said, “Eisenhower’s Deli.” “Great! What makes the food there so good?” “I wouldn’t know, I ordered and it never arrived!”" +32517,0,"I've been told to be more considerate of our environment, and to start recycling! But you should've seen the look on their face when I was rinsing out the condom" +32518,3,"Since chipotle charges like a $1.30 for guacamole... I wonder if In their bussiness meetings, if they refer to their guac profits as Avacadough" +32519,2,From my 9 year old: What do you and Tatooine have in common? You both have two sons\\suns. +32520,2,I really wish people would stop calling me a grammar nazi I’m just alt-write. +32521,4,"Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said ""Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."" The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, ""Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."" The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, ""OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."" Dolly was outraged and asked, ""What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? ""Sorry, Dolly,"" said the Angel, ""but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."" " +32522,0,My dad taught me to avoid lamps with burned out bulbs... He is opinion on such shady chatacters was dim. +32523,3,"An elderly couple were at home An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, ""For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!""" +32524,0,Why does China like Trump so much? They built a great wall hundreds of years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans. +32525,4,I just created a graph of my past relationships It has an ex axis and a why axis. +32526,2,"What do you call it when Einstein, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking masturbate? A stroke of genius " +32527,7,How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark. +32528,4,"Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag. One of them asks the two others: ""So what did you do?"" The first one answers: ""Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."" The second one answers: ""Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."" Then they turn to the one who asked the question: ""How about you, then?"" ""Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.""" +32529,0,I went to the hospital because I thought I had appendicitis.. The doctor told me I was full of shit. +32530,2,Why do shoemakers go to heaven? cause they have good soles.. +32531,3,A major study found that Humans eat more Bananas than Monkeys I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey +32532,2,"Did you hear about the paraplegic, gay tomato farmer? People weren't sure if they should call him a fruit or vegetable farmer." +32533,2,What did the buffalo say to his son going to college. Bye son +32534,0,Why did the pig go into the kitchen? Because he felt like BACON! +32535,0,"If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it? Share the joy" +32536,0,Jehovahs Witnesses Why don’t Italians like Jehovahs Witnesses? They don’t like any effing witnesses? +32537,0,What shade of white is Betty White's butt? Booty White +32538,2,I got caught trying to hang myself at school Now I'm suspended. +32539,2,"Two men were talking. ""So, how's your sex life?"" Two men were talking. ""So, how's your sex life?"" ""Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."" ""Social Security sex?"" ""Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”" +32540,3,Why didn't the monk sell his temple? *Because it had no monastery value.* Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (: +32541,4,If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive Take her to the gas station. +32542,4,"Two fish are in a tank.. And one looks at the other and says, ""How do you drive this thing?""" +32543,2,"I just created a memory loss pill! At least, I think I did..." +32544,1,My tall friend was shunned because he was as tall as a flightless bird. He was ostrich-sized. +32545,0,Today I learned about Roy Moore's law of physics. The unattractiveness quotient of teenage girls doubles every two years. +32546,0,What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? People take off their shoes before they jump on a trampoline. +32547,1,"Best pickup line at a gay bar.... Can I push in your stool??? Oh yeah...for the joke to work, the bar needs to have stools..........I’ll see myself out." +32548,1,Obese people are a very large portion of the population. +32549,1,"A man falls off a boat in a storm and washes up on a deserted beach where he finds a lamp sticking out of the sand. Figuring ""Why the hell not?"" the man rubs the lamp and sure enough out pops this super hot female genie. The man can't believe his incredible luck. ""Greetings, Master,"" she says. ""I will grant you whatever you wish, whether it is incredible wealth, love, long life, or all these things. Just know there are two rules."" ""Rule one: I am very generous. There is no need to wish for unlimited wishes. I will grant you everything you desire. You have only to rub my lamp once before each wish."" ""And rule two?"" asked the man. ""Rule two: I'm kind of a bitch. I will grant your wish only as the words come out of your mouth, so be careful how you word them. You never know what you might get. So what is your first wish?"" The man stops and thinks to himself ""I can have whatever I want.Money, fame, power, lots or beautiful women. I just have to outsmart her so she also grants my wish as I want it... That's it!"" The man smiles. ""Genie, for my first wish I want to be the smartest man in the world!"" The Genie nods her head and *poof* the man turns in Stephen Hawking." +32550,0,"Shout out... ... to people who don't know what the opposite of ""in"" is." +32551,6,"How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate." +32552,0,Do people with multiple personalities prefer… …to be referred to as plural pronouns or singular pronouns? +32553,1,Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only cums once a year! +32554,4,"Why do you always put your left shoe on last? Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left." +32555,0,You know phones don't eat much By when they do their usually megabytes. +32556,0,Where does the alt right get their clothes? Orban outfitters +32557,2,"An American man walks into a bar... An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar. The man calls out to them,, ""Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"" Quite rudely, one lady interjects while inhaling her fish and chips,nmñm, ""It's Wales, you jackass!"" Embarrassed, the man replies, ""My deepest apologies, Whales, are you fom Scotland?""" +32558,0,My first orgy was like my first baseball game... 'Cept there were loads more balls and somehow more family members came. +32559,2,I'm not racist... ...I own a colored tv. +32560,1,"I was in the dentist's chair. He looked at my shoes and said, ""Very nice loafers there, very nice."" ""Thanks,"" I said. Then he looked at my leather bag. ""Love the bag, too. Very stylish, very nice."" ""Thanks,"" I said. He looked out the window while I rinsed my mouth out, and said, ""That car is divine. I must say, you appear to be doing very well for yourself, Tom. Have you got a new job?"" ""No,"" I replied. ""I just haven't been here in a few years.""" +32561,5,Communist jokes aren't funny Unless everyone gets them. +32562,1,About 9 months before I was born I went with my father to a party Only to go home with my mum +32563,0,2 Dirty Jokes Q: What airline do drag queens fly on? A: Pan Atration ​ Q: Where do Holy people take drugs? A: Meth-lehem +32564,1,Where do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store. +32565,1,I shot the tariff. But I did not shoot the subsidy. +32566,1,"A skeleton walks into a bar A skeleton walks into a bar and says ""Bartender, I'll have a beer please . . . and a mop""" +32567,0,2017 is horrible! They've got fireworks and shit! Hide before it's too late you fools! +32568,2,"What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second? First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra." +32569,0,How can you tell that Nazis and Feminists say goodbye 3 times? Everyone hopes they leave after the third wave. +32570,0,Why is Nathan Peterman so unpopular in the gaming community? Because he can't stop INTing. +32571,1,"A drunk is walking down the street... He walks up to a cop and says, “man, somebody stole my car.” The cop says, “well, where was it?” He says, “it was right on the end of this key.” The cop says, “I don’t know, man, why don’t you go down to the precinct house and report it down there and they’ll fill out all the proper forms and all that stuff.” The guy says, “okay,” and he starts to walk off, and the cop says, “before you go downtown you better zip up your fly.” The guy looks down and says, “awh man, they got my girl too.” " +32572,1,"A baker once gave me the secret to dill flavoured bread ""You really gotta knead that dill dough""" +32573,3,Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again! +32574,3,I don't think I could be vegetarian. It would be a big missed steak. +32575,0,"A little Native American boy goes up to the Indian chief and asks, ""Chief, how come we name everyone after the first thing they see?"" The chief replies, ""Well, I'm not sure, Two Dogs Fucking.""" +32576,1,"A guy walks into the doctors office... he says ""Doctor, you gotta help me, my dick has turned orange."" So the Doctor says ""Pull down your pants"" The doctor sees the dick and says ""Holy shit, your dick is actually orange, have you changed your routine lately, have you done anything strange?"" The guy says ""No I do what I always do, eat cheetos and masturbate.""" +32577,5,What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces? Guacamole. +32578,0,What do you call vitamins given to prisoners by court order? Mandatory minerals +32579,2,Did you hear about the blind circumcision doctor? He got the sac! +32580,1,"Man goes to the doctor Doctor comes in and asks ""How you feeling?"" Man replies ""With my fingers.""" +32581,0,"A fish swims into a wall It says ""damn""... the wall replies, retorting ""dumb bass""" +32582,0,There is this one catchy song I just cant get rid of. It's always just... ...a whim away^^a^^whim^^away +32583,1,"how i look like Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?" +32584,0,Which class did Buzarnescu not pay attention in? Defence against the dark arts. +32585,0,"Trump was arguing with his opponents. ""You know, Trump has a lot of similarities to Hitler."" Trump: ""Wrong, wrong! Fake news!"" ""Mr. Trump, you know that 2 wrongs don't make a Reich.""" +32586,0,People who work at soap factories don’t have to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Discuss. +32587,2,"A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.” ​ “She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”" +32588,0,"Saying ""You're welcome"" is weird ""Thanks for doing that thing"" ""You're allowed to be here""" +32589,1,What does Dolly Parton put in her swimming pool? Chlorine chlorine chlorine chlorineeeee +32590,2,"Little Johnny. Little Johnny says very sheepishly to his Teacher, Sir would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher replies of course not: Johnny says thank fuck for that, I haven't done my homework." +32591,1,What does an anti-vaxx mother get her 2 year old triplets for their birthday? A tombstone for each of the triplets +32592,0,What did George Dubya Bush say as he kicked in the front door of the Theosophical Society...SWAT team at his heels. Ee'soterism! Not on my watch! +32593,0,Did you watch the comedy central roast of Notre Dame? Quasimodo was on fire. +32594,1,"Safety brief: Bears If you know you will be in an area where bears may be, it will be helpful to bring a couple of items with you. First, attach little bells to your belt so that as you walk it makes noise. This will ensure that a bear will hear you from a distance and you will not startle it. Second, carry pepper spray. If you are attacked it can be used to defend yourself and in non-lethal to the animal. Finally, be aware of your surroundings and note any indicators of bear activity. Specifically Look for bear droppings. You can tell if it is bear droppings because it will have little bells in them and it will small like pepper spray." +32595,2,"Big shout going out to St Patrick, who supposedly drove all the snakes out or Ireland. But let's face it, thats clearly bullshit, they didn't have cars back then" +32596,3,What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment. +32597,3,What is blue and smells like red paint ? Blue paint +32598,2,My plastic surgeon didn't even recognize me after the surgery I guess he's just terrible with faces +32599,1,"I am forgetful sometimes... But, I remembered my HIV/AIDS test. My wife asked, ""Are you sure you remember your results?"" I replied, ""I'm positive.""" +32600,0,Who is a great American jazz pianist and also a great puppeteer? Herbie Handsock +32601,2,"Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ""For the last time, I haven't got your football.""" +32602,1,*tips cell* m'tochondria +32603,0,Why do Actors like Coke so much? ....Because they love doing the lines. +32604,1,Condoms? Haha! those are for pussies. +32605,1,"I know a secret joke about an escape artist... Ah darn it, never mind. It’s already gotten out." +32606,0,Guess What... Chicken Butt.. +32607,1,"Today I discovered something curious about the human body Did you know that if you were to take someone's intestines out and stretch them along a 25ft tape measure, the said person would die?" +32608,0,Today is Justin Bieber birthday... A Bieber day to you. +32609,4,"I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the bodies of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm." +32610,0,Did you hear about the zombie motivational speaker’s new book? Be a Zomdo! +32611,0,Who are the world's fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They flew through 80 stories in 10 seconds. +32612,4,What do you call a group of chubby transgender people? Trans fats. +32613,0,I live in a small town so theres only one grocery store Its an aldi but a goodie +32614,6,"Contemplating marriage A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits." +32615,0,"My friend showed me his pictures from his exchange program in Amsterdam. It turns out he did a project at the Red Light district there. Damn, he really was studying a broad!" +32616,1,What’s the difference between a Mexican and a polar bear? Polar bears don’t have to hide from ICE +32617,0,Tom Hank involved in a sex scandal too. Robin Wright touched him during an intimate scene in Forrest Gump. +32618,1,"I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. So I'm going to start carrying a speculum." +32619,1,"A new medical facility A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor’s office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice. So, when construction was complete… the eye doctor’s door had a peep hole, the orthopedist’s door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist’s door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the gynecologist’s door was left open… just a crack. " +32620,1,Why didn't the whistleblower go to work? Because he was Snowden. +32621,3,"Dad why did you name me rose? Child 1: ""Dad why did you name me rose?"" Dad: ""Because when you were born a little rose petal fell on your forehead, it was such a beautiful moment."" Child 2: ""And why did you name me Lily?"" Dad: ""Because when you were born a little Lily fluttered onto your forehead"" Child 3: ADGHRSSDF!!! MMHGJGD!! Dad: ""Shut up Boulder!""" +32622,0,"A man and a woman are lying in bed listening to the rain hit the roof.. They're both lost in thought when the woman starts sharing this deep and philisophical metaphor of love and romance out loud. As she's closing her soliloquy she reflects on how accurately and intrinsically she nailed her metaphor and she asks what thoughts he had on the issue. The man says ""Sorry what? I zoned out listening to the rain and thinking about sex.""" +32623,0,Why was it so expensive to produce the new 50 Cent movie? ... they had to shoot it nine times. +32624,4,"Three builders are working on top of a new skyscraper (long) The lunchtime buzzer sounds and they all open their lunchboxes. 1st Builder: ""Huh, cheese and pickle sandwiches AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's cheese and bastard pickle! If I get cheese and pickle again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna... I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper!"" 2nd Builder: ""Ham and Mustard? HAM AND MUSTARD AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's Ham and bloody Mustard! If I get Ham and Mustard again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper too!"" 3rd Builder: ""Beef and Onion on brown bread? Beef and onion AGAIN! Every damn day I open my lunch and it's Beef and chuffing onion! If I get beef and onion again tomorrow i swear I'm gonna jump off this skyscraper as well! The next day they open their lunch boxes and one by one they sigh, walk slowly over to the edge and jump off to their deaths. One week later it's their joint funeral. The three builder's wives are all stood around the graves weeping. Wife 1: "" if only he told me he didn't like cheese and pickle, I'd have made him something else!"" Wife 2: ""if only he told me he didn't care for Ham and mustard, I'd have made something different"" Wife 3, crying her eyes out: ""He made his own sandwiches""." +32625,0,"The jury asked the peddler, how would you want to die? The convict answered, overdose my lord, overdose!" +32626,1,I heard Obama paid his campaign expenses in cash... Well he did say change was gonna come. +32627,0,I really don't get why computer scientists are so concerned with net neutrality. I only ever heard about it in chemistry class. +32628,0,I work at my stepfather's store. I work at my stepfather's store. You think your boss is an asshole? Mine fucks my mom. - Cole Y. +32629,0,"When I tell someone that I love them to death..... It means that I love them so much, that I wanna brutally murder them and make love to their mutilated corpse. ^^^ If you don't think that's funny, you have no sense of humor. Obvious joke." +32630,1,"When I was in band, there was this one drummer who just kept on swearing... ... they were always per-cussin'." +32631,0,"What's the difference between USA and USB? One is the United States of America and the other is an industry standard developed in the mid-1990s that defines the cables, connectors and communications protocols used in a bus for connection, communication, and power supply between computers and electronic devices." +32632,0,"Roses are red, Voilets are blue Pornhub is down Your facebook will do" +32633,0,"Two women sitting at a bar Two women are in a bar they finish their drinks and then the bartender comes they tell him that they heard pretty ladies don't pay for their drinks in this bar, the bartender then continued to tell them that's correct and hands them their receipt" +32634,0,"A man sits next to a woman at a bar and asks ""Would you have sex with me for 1 million dollars?"" The woman says ""Well, yes."" He asks the same woman ""Would you have sex with me for $10?"" She says ""What kind of woman do you take me for?!"" He says ""We already established that, I'm just negotiating."" " +32635,0,"PSA: Dont buy a U2 satnav Whatever you do, dont buy a U2 satnav! Seemed like the sweetest thing but now the streets have no name and I still havent found what I'm looking for. Be lucky if I get there by Sunday at this rate. Bloody Sunday!" +32636,4,I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying. Onions was a good dog. +32637,4,TIL I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. +32638,1,"3 men and their wives were walking through a Forrest late at night... All of the sudden, a large cat crosses their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop. The first mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to fight off cougars all the time when they try to hit on you at the bar, I got this” The mans wife approaches the cougar and scares it off, sending it running into the forest. The 6 of them continue to walk. All of the sudden, a pack of wolves cross their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop. The second mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to keep the bitches away from you all the time when we go out to the clubs, I got this” The second mans wife approaches the pack of wolves and beats them off with a stick, sending them running into the forest. The 6 of them continue to walk. All of the sudden, a massive herd of roosters cross their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop. The third man looks at his wife wide eyed and snaps “ you better not. “ " +32639,3,"Very, very, very sad day. VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time,  effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.  " +32640,4,"If you're ever in a cold room, just stand in a corner They're usually 90 degrees." +32641,1,For Halloween What do you call a lycanthrope with no sense of direction? A were-am-I-wolf What did the mummy say at the end of his embalming? That's a wrap Has anyone stopped to consider that The Creature From the Black Lagoon is just the victim of an oil well accident? +32642,1,How did the roller coaster parks decide on the acceptable height for children to ride? Experience. +32643,2,"How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam, a suh dude." +32644,0,What do you call a cat that claims it's a lion crossed with a cougar? A liar. +32645,2,What's the difference between Hitler and the Boston marathon bomber? The bomber actually stopped a race +32646,0,Domestic violance in progress. When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on. +32647,3,'We have been over it again and again and again' said my driving instructor pointing at the dead body +32648,4,"Female compassion. Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have  four hours left! Could we...?' His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny... ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't. " +32649,1,"Searching on Bing is like asking a woman how old she is. The result will be 10 years out of date, you will feel harrassed, and you will be more confused than when you started." +32650,3,What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. +32651,2,"A bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks....""what are you having?"". The bear replies "" ill have a gin.........and tonic"" Bartender ""what's with the pause?"" Bear ""I don't know, I've had them my whole life""" +32652,1,I am so unwitty. My teacher asked me why i didn't turnover my Speech assignment I didn't know what to say. +32653,3,Just heard I've been nominated for choirboy of the year! I've never been so touched before... +32654,1,How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Cock +32655,0,"What happened when James Bond's stomach growled during a fancy dinner party? He said: ""Stop, you're under a vest!""" +32656,1,Have you ever heard of the female rapper who would only rap while she was on her menstrual cycle? ... they say she had a mean flow. +32657,3,What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. +32658,1,"A serious question If two meth heads start a relationship is it considered ""speed dating"" or ""just mething around""?" +32659,0,It turns out there's great Italian food in the Himalyas I recommend the spaghyeti. +32660,1,"3 guys get jailed and are in the same room They get to go to the same jail. One is muscly, one is short and the third one is wearing glasses. The room they go to has already one person in it. ""Welcome boys. I have been alone in this room for a very long time, I thought there were no criminals out there."" Says the old jailer The 3 guys are laughing a little. ""So, how long are you gonna be here, muscly friend?"" ""4 years"" responds the muscly guy ""That's nothing. Sunmer, winter, summer, winter, summer, winter, summer, winter and you're out. How long are you gonna be here, short friend? ""2 years"" responds the short guy ""That's nothing. Summer, fall, winter, spring, summer, fall, winter, spring and you're out. How long are you going to be here, glassy friend?"" ""3 Months"" ""Ohh that's bad, very bad."" Says the old jailer. ""Why?"" Says the glassy guy ""Because day, night, day, night, day, night, day, night...""" +32661,7,An Apple store near where I live got robbed $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back. +32662,4,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. +32663,0,"A woman had a poisonous chemical in her house, and I had to remove it. I told her I’d do as best as I could." +32664,4,"It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister... The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits. Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall. “You’ll need to paint faster ladies, we’re planning to install the carpet tomorrow!”, she hisses as she stomps off to oversee the new cabinets. One of the novitiates looks at the other and says, “What if we just took off our habits? Then we could paint much more quickly without sullying our holy garments.” The other nun agrees. They lock the door, take off their habits and undergarments and begin to paint. The painting is indeed much faster without their restrictive clothing, and the nuns are happy to be making such good progress. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Looking worriedly at each other, the nuns nervously ask, “Who is it?” A haggard voice replies, “It’s me...the blind guy.” The novitiates wordlessly shrug at one another and unlock the door. After all, it is their duty to provide charity to the poor and downtrodden. The door opens and the blind man stumbles in. “Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?”" +32665,2,"A man sees a sign that reads ""lose weight now!""... ...with a number listed on the bottom. The man had been feeling a little over weight so he decided to call the sign. A woman answered the phone and told him to be at the local hangout the following morning. The next morning comes and the man is at the local hangout when a woman walks up to him. The woman asked ""are you here about the ad?"" To which the man replied yes. The woman then motions the man to come inside. Once inside a door opened and a beautiful woman stood their naked with a sign that said ""if you can catch me you can have your way with me!"" Upon seeing this the man takes off trying to catch the woman to no avail. The next week he sees the same sign but this time it said ""lose weight now! $40!"" The man calls the sign again ad inquires why it's $40 where as the first time was free. The woman says ""show up and see."" Next day comes and the man shows up. He hands the woman $40 and she opens a door. This time an even more beautiful woman stood there with the same sign. Again the man gives chase but to no avail. So obviously frustrated at this point the man decides to invest in a proper pair of running shoes. This time he's sure he'll catch the woman. Well he stumbled upon the same sign but this time it read ""lose weight now $60!"" Knowing this he figured this time it would be an even more beautiful woman. So the following day comes and he shows up with his money in hand. The woman opens the door and this time there stood a large gorrila. The gorilla had a sign around his neck and it said ""if I catch you I get my way with you!"" Some say he's still running to this very day." +32666,0,Playing with puppies is like having sex with trees Do it long enough and you'll get all sappy +32667,1,I was going to tell a joke about Rihanna and Chris Brown But I can't remember the punchline +32668,0,"Two brothers, Al and Ed, are always competing to have the latest technology. It doesn't matter what Ed's new phone can do. Al's will that Ed's will." +32669,2,"A husband and his wife went to a court so they could get divorced Judge: You have three kids, how do you intend to split custody? The husband and wife had a long conversation and said ""Judge, we've decided to come back next year with an extra child"" Nine month's later the wife had twins." +32670,5,"A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table... “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”" +32671,1,Stinky smell in the car ... -Sir.. how many horsepower is your car? - 120 horses - I am afraid that one of them is Dead. +32672,0,You know what people are saying about your anus? It is the seventh planet and it is a gas giant. +32673,5,"An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, ""I can cure this."" With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, ""This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"" The guy then asks, ""What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"" The medicine man replies, ""All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."" The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, ""123."" Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, ""What did you say 123 for?""" +32674,1,"If you're on Wall-street, where is your nearest welfare office located? Inside of the U.S. tax code. " +32675,1,Bigamy is when you have one too many wife. Monogamy too. +32676,2,My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world. I told him to stop seeing things in black and white. +32677,1,Table Woke up in the middle of the night to note down this one before I forgot it. :P Sign outside furniture shop - Come for table. Very comfortable. +32678,0,"A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”" +32679,0,"How many medieval-era people are needed to screw in a lightulb? Zero, the lightbulb never became prominent until the late 19th century." +32680,1,Where's the best place to find a Communist? In the Lenin closet. +32681,0,What does a zombie have for breakfast? Braainsss +32682,2,Why did the duck take Viagra? Why did the duck take Viagra? ​ So he could get his down up. +32683,0,"A local charity shop has a unicycle on sale for £30 For a price like that, you can't fall off!" +32684,0,"Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day. Teach a Redditor a joke and he will wonder why the context is he and not a she, or them and then question why it isnt about a non-binary gender. He will then meta the joke into a new spin to be funnier than the original and downvote the original." +32685,0,What did one tree say to another tree? Iamgroot +32686,3,"A guy goes to the doctor Doctor: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating. Guy: Really, doc?! Like, forever? Doctor: No, just for a few minutes, so I can examine you. " +32687,1,What's a spanish bow called? An elbow +32688,2,"My husband is like Santa Claus He's old, fat, and comes once in a year." +32689,0,Yo momma so fat! That when she uploaded her profile pic to facebook the servers crashed! +32690,0,What did the dragonball z fan say when he wanted to go to the toilet? I need to goku the toilet +32691,0,"The Wizard of Oz takes on a whole new plot when you look at it from Toto's perspective... ... as much as Dorothy misses Kansas, Toto misses the rains down in Africa. " +32692,5,"A guy goes into a bar... A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, ""Why are you drinking so fast?"" The guy says, ""You'd be drinking fast if you had what I have."" The bartender says, ""What do you have?"" The guy says, ""Seventy-five cents.""" +32693,1,"Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure Slave: This sounds like a pyramid scheme Tutankhamen: A what?" +32694,1,"If conceited people were cars, what engine would they run on? A Ford EgoBoost engine." +32695,0,"When I was young I was taught that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I was talking with a genderqueer line the other day, and apparently that's discrimination." +32696,3,What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch? Matt +32697,2,My friend took Delta to court after his luggage went missing ... He lost his case. +32698,4,My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less I told him to stop getting in the shower with me +32699,2,"So a blonde woman walks into a store.... and a clerk notices her standing in the kitchenware department. He walks up to her and asks if she needs assistance. The blonde says ""Yes,"" as she holds up an object, ""what's this?"" 1he clerk responds, ""That's a thermos."" She replies, ""what does it do?"" ""Well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."" The blonde is sold and buys the thermos. The next day at work the blonde's boss walks up to her and asks her about her thermos. She says, ""It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."" Her boss asks her what's in it to which the blonde responds, ""Some soup and a popsicle!""" +32700,0,Where does the name Trump get its' value? Precedence. +32701,0,If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids. +32702,5,How to be cool: A) Make the sunglasses face B) +32703,5,"It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up! ""That's not how field sobriety tests work."" replied the police officer" +32704,5,"Math and naked women. A mathematician and an engineer go into a lab for a test. They're led into a room and shown a beautiful naked lady sitting on the table across the way. The conductor tells them that every 5 seconds, they're permitted to walk half the distance closer. The mathematician immediately throws his arms up and leaves. He sees the engineer eagerly awaiting the countdown and asked, ""What are you doing? You know we'll never actually touch her!"" The engineer smiles... ""Maybe, but we'll get close enough for all reasonable applications.""" +32705,0,Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the girlfriend's fart? Because noble gases are nonreactive. +32706,6,"A couple was having a conversation, when... ...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: ""I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."" The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: ""Yours is bigger than your friends'.""" +32707,1,"A lover of the orchestra A woman is in a hospital, with some teeth missing and a swollen lip. Her friend comes to visit. “Oh my god, what happened?” “One of the guys I hooked up with from the orchestra.” “That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Was it the trumpet player? I always thought he was a dick.” “No. He was alright, but I got bored after an hour; he never went soft.” “…Oh. Well was it the tuba player?” “No. He was alright too; I’m pretty sure he farted, but DAMN he was big.” “Ew. So what happened, then?” “The French horn player tried to give me oral.” " +32708,4,My cat just passed... RIP Fluffy McMittens 2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017 +32709,0,They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks... Lucky for me anal isn't really considered a trick. +32710,1,"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Doesn't matter, it still won't come." +32711,2,"I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break. Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home." +32712,1,The most effective way to commit suicide; Step 1: Move to the Czech Republic Step 2: Run for office Step 3: Implement policies that piss off the majority of the population Step 4: Go to the top floor of a building in Prague Step 5: Wait +32713,1,"A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ""Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."" The doctor reassured her. ""A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"" ""On my balls."" " +32714,1,"Handless people of reddit, Oh wait" +32715,0,He who makes the covfefe Makes the rules +32716,4,I hate Russian dolls... so full of themselves. +32717,4,I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today. Now my jaw’s all methed up. +32718,0,"A rat was sitting in a bar looking exhausted... the bartender notices this and says ""You look tired mate are you alright?"" ""I'm great, I just fucked a giraffe and it was really intense"", replied the rat. To which the bartender says ""Wow, that giraffe must've been quite a fuck to leave you looking this worn out"" ""No shit"" said the rat, ""between kissing and fucking I had to run 10 miles""" +32719,3,What's Black and White but never red anymore? The fucking News Paper +32720,1,How do you get a blonde to go on the roof? Tell her that drinks are on the house. +32721,1,Why should you not tell a bad kleptomaniac a joke He wouldn't take it very well. +32722,1,Teacher and her 3 boy students Teacher: “Why did you laugh?” > Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.” Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.” Boy 2 laughed… Teacher: “Why did you laugh?” > Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.” Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.” Teacher bent down to pick up a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class… Teacher: “Why are you leaving?” > Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.” +32723,5,I had been digging for a long time today. Down in the hole I found a box full of Silver coins! In the excitement I ran back indoors to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole... +32724,1,"Soviet spy comes to a cafe and orders tea Starts drinking it, when a waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must be russian spy. — How did you find out? — You put sugar with the spoon, but left the spoon in the cup. Only russians do that. Next time the spy walks into the cafe, orders tea, put sugar, doesn't put the spoon in the cup. Waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must must be russian spy. — How the fuck did you find out this time? — The spoon is not in the cup, but you keep your thumb like it is there. Third time the spy walks there, orders tea, put sugar, doesn't put the spoon in the cup, holds the cup properly. Waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must must be russian spy. — Are you kidding me? How? — The spoon is not in the cup, your thumb is ok, but you close you right eye so the spoon wouldn't poke it." +32725,1,Why are you not supposed to blame God in church? It's not a good idea to attain a critical mass. +32726,1,"Some days i wake up and think... I'M A GROWN ASS MAN, HOW THE HELL DID I PUT MY BOXERS ON BACKWARDS" +32727,0,How many big booty bitches does it take to fix a lightbulb? It only takes one to make it twerk. +32728,1,I had anal sex and my sperm were so confused They tried to fertilize a piece of corn. +32729,7,"Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. ""It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush." +32730,7,"A redneck sees another carrying a sheep under each arm. So he asks him, ""you shearing?"" The other answers ""nope, gonna fuck 'em both m'self.""" +32731,1,"I met a girl with 12 boobs today sounds funny, dozen tit" +32732,0,What do you call a fish that is a reff? An offishial +32733,2,Why did the game console leave her husband? He was trying to controller edit: I'll let myself out +32734,2,If you know this one than we are probably friends. * Man 1: Knock Knock. * Man 2: Who’s there? * Man 1: KGB. * Man 2: KGB wh- *get’s slapped* * Man 1: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS! +32735,0,Hypotenuse? I wish i was high on potenuse +32736,5,(NSFW) How does the porn industry battle incest? Step by step +32737,5,I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing! I didn't know she had it in her. +32738,2,My SO has both reproductive organs It's really the hole package. +32739,0,"As every US President's term comes to an end, they do a timed lap of the White House The White House lap record is a secret prestigious achievement among the President's. With his term coming to an end, Obama is determined to set a new record. He gives Biden a stopwatch and tells him to record his time from the moment he steps out of the oval office to the second he returns. Biden nods and Obama dashes off. He returns minutes later, drenched in sweat, panting for breath, he asks ""Did I beat it?"" Biden solemnly shakes his head, ""You did 9:34, it was close, but you didn't beat the record"" With a disappointed sigh, Obama asks; ""What is the record anyway? Who has it?"" ""Bush"" says Biden ""He did 9:11""" +32740,0,"My time-travelling uncle died. RIP Robert Mack, 1968-1834" +32741,0,"I’m starting a traveling pole dance show with 6 smoking hot performers. Sounds nice, right? Dozen Tit." +32742,0,I love street food. You know who else loves street food? Dogs. +32743,1,A Russian wife goes to police station. A Russian wife goes to police station. Russian Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet. Russian Inspector: Why don't you cook something else? +32744,3,My friends seem to think I might have a drinking problem That's ridiculous. I don't even remember last time when I was black out drunk. +32745,0,I just did an alignment on my car... But my car still pulls into crowds :( +32746,7,"Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash... While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive. Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have that so the devil burns him up and send him on his way. The Queen is next, she call her grandchildren but keeps it very short. After a minute she gets off the phone, reaches into here hat and hands the devil the required $1 million. Finally George Bush get on the phone, he proceeds to call all his college buddies, his brother, and his wife. He’s on the phone for over an hours. He hangs up and the devil asks him for $10.00. He pays. Vladimir and The Queen ask the devil what’s up with that, why is it so much more cheap for him? The devil replies “Ever since Trump took over America has gone to Hell, so it’s a local call” " +32747,1,"Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat “First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”" +32748,2,Ever heard about the bread theif that always has a headache? He's got my grains. +32749,1,"Hospitalized! A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him. His condition is described as stable." +32750,2,"i was laying in a yoga class I was just laying there, and the instructor says ""hey man you gotta get outta here!"" So I said na-ma-ste" +32751,2,An anti-vax mom walks in on her son self vaccinating. And she says that better be heroin ! +32752,3,"Last Words There was a man in the hospital who was very old and most likely not making it out so his family went to the church to get the pastor to say goodbye and the hospital, so the next day the pastor visits the man in the hospital, but the man suddenly is gasping for air and can't breath so he grabs a pen and paper to write his last words he hands it to the pastor and died. The pastor takes the note and folds it into his pocket and ran to get the nurse. A week later at the mans funeral the pastors is reading from the Bible and remembers the not in his pocket so he opens it up and reads it to the congregation, it read: ""You're standing on my oxygen tube!""" +32753,3,"There was once a man... There was once a man who drank a lot. His wife told him ""if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you"". He went out to a pub and drank alot and was sick all over his shirt, and said to his friend ""If I go home like this my wife will leave me"". His friend said ""I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill."". He goes home and his wife's angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving but he says ""No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill"". His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money, she said ""Why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?"", he said ""Oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants""." +32754,3,"3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down. They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way. One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation. The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't talk to his daughter. Over the course of the night the daughter heads to the barn and has sex with the 3 men. The farmer goes to check on the men only to find his daughter in the middle of the act. He runs to the house, grabs his shot gun, heads back outside and confronts the men. ""All of you outside now!"". He brings 3 chairs and has them sit in them. He tells the men ""Go to the garden and pick your favorite fruit"". The men are confused but follow the farmers instructions and head to the garden. The 1st man comes back with a Strawberry. The farmer says ""Now stick it up your ass."" The man pleads but ends up shoving the Strawberry up his butt. The 2nd man comes back with an Orange. The farmer says ""Now stick it up your ass."" The man is terrified and starts screaming as he attempts to put it up his ass. Than he starts cracking up laughing. The farmer starts to yell at him but he keeps on laughing. Pissed off, the Farmer fires a shot in the air and says ""You better tell me what the hell is so funny or I'll blow your head off!"" The man says ""Here comes Joe with a Watermelon!""" +32755,0,"Is grandma dying? It was just like any normal day. Me, the genius 5 year old grandchild, playing with rocks on the porch while grandma watched videos on her tablet. Suddenly, I heard an eerie cough and a hard thud. I looked around and saw grandma lying on the floor. Something was wrong. I shook her but she didn't respond. Being the genius I was, I picked up grandma's tablet and searched 'grandma not moving, wat do'. Loading... Nothing appeared. I searched again. 'grandma cough floor' ... and again... 'make grandma move' ... 'is grandma dying' ... 'is grandma dead' I couldn't bring myself to search for the last one. I didn't know what else to do so I started to cry. Dad quickly came through the door and said, ""Everything will be okay. I just reset the modem so you can play your games again soon."" Dad turned to grandma and said, ""Dammit, mom, you don't need to play dead to get Alex's attention. Alex is a genius after all."" Edit: inspired by the net neutrality hype" +32756,2,"Trump and Cruz in a bar A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, 'Hey, ain't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?' Trump says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? Whaddaya think you'll do?' Trump says, 'Well, we're planning to kill 140 million Muslims, and a blonde with big boobs.' The guy exclaims, 'A blonde with big boobs? You shittin' me? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?' Trump turns to Cruz, and says, 'See? I told you, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.’ " +32757,3,What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver? They both came in a little behind. +32758,1,When it starts raining cats and dogs: *Please seek shelters* Pet shelters ​ ​ Sorry +32759,0,So I'm on a date with a cute girl when she says... I only sleep with guys who can make me laugh help... ^(me...) +32760,2,"I see, said the blind construction worker, As he picked up his hammer and saw" +32761,0,Hydrogen and Oxygen are getting a drink at the bar... When suddenly Gold walks in and they both go... AU! Get outta the bar! +32762,1,Things I will never do if we date: - give you up - let you down - run around and desert you - give you an orgasm - make you cry - say goodbye - tell a lie and hurt you +32763,3,"Children are like farts. Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else's are horrendous." +32764,1,I saw a food strangling another food with two paintbrushes. It was an artychoke +32765,3,Sometimes I wake up grumpy... Other times I let her sleep. +32766,6,Why was a Buzzfeed editor found dead in a bathroom? Number 2 shocked him. +32767,5,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''" +32768,1,"A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."" So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, ""Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel..." +32769,0,Why did pirates dig up the grave of XXXTentacion Because X marks the spot +32770,0,Knock-knock. Who's there? The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck. +32771,2,What has 9 arms and kicks ass??? Def Leppard!!! +32772,2,"Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case. They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, ""Watson, look up and tell me what you see."" Watson says, ""Well, I see thousands of stars."" ""And what does that tell you?"" ""Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"" ""To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.""" +32773,7,A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2. But he knew it was <3. +32774,1,I make my own vegetables... With a hammer +32775,2,What do you call the Lord and Savior of all pizzas? Cheesus Crust +32776,3,"A woman takes a lover home... A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, ""Dark in here."" The man says, ""Yes, it is."" Boy - ""I have a baseball."" Man - ""That's nice."" Boy - ""Want to buy it?"" Man - ""No, thanks."" Boy - ""My dad's outside."" Man - ""OK, how much?"" Boy - ""$250"" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - ""Dark in here."" Man - ""Yes, it is."" Boy - ""I have a baseball glove."" The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ""How much?"" Boy - ""$750"" Man - ""Sold."" A few days later, the father says to the boy, ""Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, ""I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."" The father asks, ""How much did you sell them for?"" Boy -""$1,000"" The father says, ""That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."" They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, ""Dark in here."" The priest says, ""Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now" +32777,2,"[nsfw] [controversial] Describe your sex life only using SpongeBob Quotes ""Are you ready kids""" +32778,1,"A woman sits beside a hospital bed; her husband's dying... He motions for her to come close; he's barely sighing. She knows these are his last words, so she leans in: ""Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ben."" She's confused, but finally says, ""I'll do anything for you, Mitch, but I don't understand, I thought you hated that son of a bitch."" And with his dying breath, he said, ""I do."" stolen from /u/Fucks_up_the_poem" +32779,4,"Irishmen! An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”" +32780,2,"What do you call a dog, that can do magic? A-labra-kadabra-dor." +32781,3,"I had a friend who loved to joke about suicide. Haven't seen him in a while, I wonder what he's up to." +32782,0,What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo! +32783,1,Guys! If i cut off my right butt cheek... Would I be left behind? +32784,0,Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender! +32785,0,Even physicists go to church on Christmas It's Critical Mass. +32786,2,"Buy a tie A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?” The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.” The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "" “Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”. Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. ""Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”." +32787,0,"The EU just formed a dance group! It's called ""free movement""" +32788,2,"Have you heard of the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time someone goes in the bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots." +32789,1,"A man goes on a date. Friend: ""How did your date go?"" Man: ""I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions"" Friend: ""That wasn't a very good idea"" Man: ""Yeah, well hindsight is 1""" +32790,4,"A man sneezes on a plane A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything 5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back. He goes back to his book. This time, the woman feels the need to speak up. ""Excuse me, sir"" she says angrily. ""Can you please stop taking your dick out every time you sneeze? That's disgusting!"" ""Oh sorry"" the man replies. ""I have a condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."" ""Crickey! What do you take for that?"" The woman responds ""Pepper""" +32791,3,"A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day. The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly: ""Book, Book, Book"". The young librarian turns to one of his collegues and asks about the chicken. ""Oh yes,"" the collegue replies, ""She comes in everyday, collects a wing full of books, takes them away and brings them back the next day."" Anyway, this continues for several weeks until the young librarian can stand it no longer and he resolves to follow the bird home and see what happens. The chicken turns up at her usual time, collects her wing full of books and heads out the library. The young librarian follows at a discrete distance. I won't bore you with the details of the chickens devious route home, suffice it to day she definateley didn't want to be followed. Fortunately the young librarian had managed to hang on and watched from behind a bush, as the chicken \\(taking a good look around to make sure nobody was about\\) nipped into a small forest of reeds beside a duck pond He crept quietly into the reeds only to be confronted by the sight of the chicken handing the book to frog: Chicken: ""Book"" Frog: ""Reddit"" Chicken: ""Book"" Frog: ""Reddit"" Chicken: ""books"" Frog ""Reddit""" +32792,1,"2 Indian beggars having a conversation 1st Guy : I had a grand dinner at a 3 star hotel yesterday. 2nd Guy : How? 1st Guy : Someone gave me a 100rs note. So I went to this hotel and ordered dinner worth 1000rs and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came , I said , I had no money. The hotel manager called the police man and handed me over to him. I gave the 100rs note to the police fellow and he set me free." +32793,8,"An 18 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ""Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."" He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ""What would you say is my best feature?"" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ""It has to be your ears."" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ""My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"" Clearing his throat, he stammered, ""Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.""" +32794,0,Of I had a penny for every time the president tweeted... I’d have a small loan of a million dollars. +32795,0,What do you call a girl who sleeps around and keeps mushrooms all over her house? A woman of loose morels +32796,0,"I asked my English teacher how I could make my writing flow better.... “Throw it in the river,” he replied." +32797,10,"Donald Trump - ""I'm not orange!"" ""Impeach.""" +32798,6,"A church has a rat problem The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back. Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge. Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats. Now they only come at Christmas and Easter." +32799,2,Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle. After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years. +32800,10,"I took my daughter out for her first drink... While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!! ~ ~ *[edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger.]* " +32801,0,How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg +32802,1,"A man jogging in the woods finds a little boy crying next to his two dead parents.. The little boy comes up crying and says ""Mister mister! This is the worst day of my life! My family went for a walk and then my dad shot my mom and then shot himself!!"" The man looks at the boy, looks around, looks at the boy again,and starts to take off his pants and says ""Well, today's just not your lucky day"" " +32803,1,Why do so many people get sick during Oktoberfest? ... Because it’s Germanfested ... +32804,0,why do suicide bombers prefer vests with IED than TNT or even nuke ? They want to become holy. +32805,2,I'm a recovering alcoholic. One more glass of water and I'll be fine. +32806,0,"Decided to treat the missus to a holiday.. So i decided to treat the missus on a luxurious holiday in a 5* hotel, on the way there she started nagging me, constantly asking how much longer it would be until we got there, I told her to stfu and keep rowing." +32807,0,"Confucius says, One who sleeps with an itchy bum.... wakes up with a stinky finger!" +32808,6,Say what you like about Amy Schumer She can take a joke +32809,1,Boyfriend: Why do you share and like pictures of recipes on facebook if you can't cook? Girlfriend: You watch porn every day but you don't hear me complaining. +32810,1,"Difference between Vegans and Vegetarians. Both do not put anything that is flesh, inside mouth. Where as vegetarians suck milk, vegans do not." +32811,0,After being woken up this morning I realized what I should’ve gotten my dad for Father’s Day. A new bed frame. Happy Father’s Day!! +32812,3,If you are cold go stand in the corner It is always 90 degrees +32813,4,"A man was driving down the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled... ... ""ever driven a Ferrari mate?"" This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind. However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, it accelerated and the man just managed to catch the driver yell ""ever driven a Ferrari mate?"" before the Ferrari left him in the dust. Recognising that he was not able to match the Ferrari's speed, the man calmed down and resumed driving at normal speed. A few miles ahead however, the man noticed the Ferrari upturned in a ditch. Curious at what might have happened, man stopped his car and went to check out the crash scene. Inside the upturned Ferrari, a weak and shaky voice came out: ""Ever driven a Ferrari mate? Know where the brake is?""" +32814,1,What do you call some blackbirds in a pub? A crowbar. +32815,0,"We recently welcomed a new member to the family. Sadly it belongs to my new wife, Mai." +32816,0,Why are tuna fish so bad a playing Tennis? They keep getting caught in the net! +32817,1,"What do you do when you meet a fellow anime watcher appreciates the theme song of an anime you like? Kill him, it's an opening. " +32818,1,After a Year of use I can say without a doubt that the Nintendo Switch is the perfect console for Me The Nintendo Sub was too under powered and the Nintendo Dom is more than I can handle....... +32819,10,How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb? Tell him Obama put it in +32820,2,My resolution this year is to stop trolling So try not to post anything too stupid +32821,4,"During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan... So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her. At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, ""Watch out for the wall!""" +32822,0,What do you call a web developer who loves finding bugs? A spider +32823,2,"When Americans annoys Russians . There was a group of Americans camping in the wild forest , suddenly there was a black bear walking towards them so they ran away recklessly . However they accidentally destroyed Russians' campsites when escaping from black bear, how could Russians let them go like this ? They caught up the Americans and gave them a lesson with iron fists . On their way back to the campsite , one Russian man shouted : "" those American sissies are just fucking weak shrimps , and only one hairy black guy was just kinda tough ."" " +32824,1,"I was assigned AB positive blood type at birth, but I identify myself as having B negative blood. After all, blood is fluid. " +32825,3,"A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy 2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going...The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy..The pharmacist in the back says ""Can I help you?"" and the driver says ""Yeah..do you have anything to stop this coffin?"" " +32826,0,"I found Zoloft delays my orgasm Ey, Jack, you late." +32827,2,I started a swear jar at home... I can't wait until it's full so I can buy some fucking cool shit. +32828,0,Abraham Lincoln was a great thinker I wonder what the last thing to go through his head was... +32829,0,"There was this massive orgy going on... And suddenly a man turns on the light and says: -Organization please. Turns off the light and continue with the show and a few minutes later he turns the light on again and, with a notorious anger says: -Organization please. Light off and the show goes on and eventually turns on the light again and yells: -ORGANIZATION The other man asks what he means by organization The man says: I mean, we are 2 men, 10 women and you have stuck it into my butt 3 times" +32830,1,"A genie grant a man two wishes Genie: What is your first wish? Jeff: I want to be Rich Genie: Okey, what is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money" +32831,0,What pest extermination company is funded by the government? The police. +32832,3,My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2. Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had. +32833,1,"A teenage boy asks his crush out to prom... She agrees and he says he is going to make it the best night of her life. He doesn't want to let her down so he goes to buy a super nice suit, but the line at the suit store is massive. He groans and reluctantly waits in line for hours before finally getting his suit. ​ Next, he wants to buy her some flowers, so he heads over to the florist. Upon arriving, to his shock, there is another enormous line. Once again, he waits in line for ours before finally getting her a bouquet of flowers. ​ The boy knows his crush really likes chocolate, so he heads to the nicest gourmet chocolate place and town and there is yet another huge line to get in. ""Where are all these people coming from?"" he ponders, and waits for hours and hours til he finally is able to buy her a delicious assortment of chocolates. ​ Finally, he is done, and heads to her house to pick her up and take her to prom. He arrives and presents her with all the gifts and she is very impressed. They arrive at prom after being stuck in unprecedented masses of traffic, to find a gigantic line has amassed out the front of the school hall. The boy laughs at the irony of it all. After another torturous wait they finally enter the hall and find their seats. His crush asks him if he can grab her some punch and he agrees and starts making his way over to the punch. ​ Upon spying the punch bowl, he sees there is no punchline." +32834,3,Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife..... Someone wakes me up. +32835,1,"A communist walks into a bar... And a person asks him: ""Sir, are you all right?"" Insulted, the communist started brandishing a gun. Everyone in the bar ran outside. ""Great! Now I'm the only one left"", said the communist." +32836,1,"Parrots and Chickens So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, ""QUIT IT!"" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, ""OK for you"", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then the starts to think the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, ""Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."" The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, ""By the way, what did the chicken do?""" +32837,2,I was celibate for 25 years... then I got divorced... +32838,2,Why did Jesus stop playing Hockey? Because he kept getting pinned to the boards +32839,0,What did Chris Brown tell his friends when a hot girl walked by? I'd hit that. +32840,0,-Dad what’s that hat on your head? -- It’s called Kufi. It’s designed to protect us from intense desert heat. -- How about this dress you are wearing. -- it’s called djellaba. It keeps us cool in the heat. -- How about these shoes you are wearing? -- It called babouche. It protects our feet from the hot sand. -- Why are you wearing all this in the autumn in Sweden? +32841,0,Did you know that a penny you throw from the Empire State Building can turn into a lethal weapon? If Jew is standing next to you. +32842,1,"Turtle... Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. ""Dear,"" she chirped, ""I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.""" +32843,2,I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment. Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say. +32844,0,Why did Nightwing go to Cincinnati? Because Dick's out for Harambe. +32845,1,I struggle with overeating. Sometime my arms get tired. +32846,2,My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones. We're very SIM Allah. +32847,0,Smoking weed with your butt is amazing! Just blowing smoke up your ass. +32848,0,A man walk in a bar... ...and then he ask for a coffee +32849,0,Some kid on xbox live told me he had *** with my mom I told him my mother has AIDS. +32850,0,How do you call a cow that doesn't want to take any risk? Coward +32851,1,Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans. +32852,1,"What's the difference between fencing and reddit? Fencing is full of ripostes, while reddit is full of reposts" +32853,4,A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird Dozen tit +32854,4,"Oh my god. You are so hot ! I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!' It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me." +32855,1,Gravity... It always seems to let us down. +32856,5,"I was in a long staring contest with the sun. Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won. " +32857,1,"**SPOILER ALERT** My friends suggested i go see ""Get Out"" because they think i am racist..... I completely disagree that i'm racist but i did as they suggested. I'm still not sure though how watching a movie about a white family being senselessly massacred by a black man is supposed to change my attitudes" +32858,1,I got into a water fight with the kids next door they were no match for me and my kettle +32859,0,"If a hospital runs out of rooms, don’t worry There’s an emergency room" +32860,0,Why do snowmen make good judges? Because they're just ice. +32861,4,Where do poor noodles live? The spaghetto ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) +32862,0,"I used to work at a sporting goods store... And while I was there, the store had a policy that, in the absence of change in the register, we could hand customers their change in trading cards, which were worth about 25 cents apiece. Now, on a particularly busy day, we'd run out of change in the registers, and this guy comes up with a football in his hands. ""How much is this?"" After running a price check, I told him, ""$9.75."" So I rang him up for the football, and he paid me with a ten dollar bill. What else was I supposed to do? I gave him a quarterback." +32863,6,"Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof..... The first construction workers says, ""I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof."" He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof. The second construction worker says, ""If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof."" He opens his lunch and there's cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof. The third construction worker says to himself, ""If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self."" He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself. Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals. The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, ""If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me."" The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. ""If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here."" The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn't crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way. ""Don't look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch."" " +32864,0,"Paddy says to his wife... ""My bum hole is really burning. I've no idea what it is."" ""Ring sting"", his wife says. Paddy replies ""how the fuck will he know?!"" " +32865,1,Did you hear the one about the evil tuna? He was rotten to the albacore. +32866,4,Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ? Crimea River +32867,4,Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan +32868,0,"Who says Hillary Clinton sucks? That's not true,... ...just ask Bill" +32869,1,"I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop So i painted it black. That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick Edit: typo" +32870,1,I'm no geologist But when I look at mountains in the morning I take them for granite +32871,2,"the least spoken language, huh? Sign language, obviously" +32872,1,I would post a joke here But they’ll shreddit Won’t get it Downvote And forget it They’ll say that they’ve read it Or said it Or the thing where They Dad-it At best they will edit ‘N spread it All repost No credit That’s reddit +32873,0,My uncle doesn't like us lighting crackers on special occasions.. He says we're burning money. +32874,4,Pedophiles They're fucking immature assholes. +32875,0,I was walking down the street.... I was walking down the street when I saw this old man getting beat up by a gang of 3 men. Seeing this I decided to help. The old man never stood a chance against the four of us +32876,1,Do girls even enjoy being fingered? Depends on if you know the difference between summoning a genie and stuffing a chicken +32877,5,"A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says ""Uno, dos.."" *poof* He disappeared without a tres." +32878,0,"Was at the mall when I saw a foot massager outlet the floor below, imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a kid in a wheelchair." +32879,0,What's the difference between the Hulk and the babies at my house? The Hulk is alive. +32880,3,Why don't Norse goddesses like anal sex? Because they're Asgardians. I'll just Loki walk away now. +32881,0,Disgraceful scenes in London today Thousands of white people were seen chasing three Kenyans through the streets! +32882,5,"A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Jeep. Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it? Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37"" X 13.5"" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12"" LED Light bar, 50"" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution ""C"" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4"" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep." +32883,1,What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel? The Knights who say Ni! +32884,0,Why are feminazis so fat? Gender Rolls +32885,0,"And then Santa said to the atheist, HO! HO! HO! Have a nice 25th of December." +32886,3,"A three legged dog walks into a bar He says ""I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."" Happy Father's day to all you dads of Reddit :)" +32887,2,"There's some kitchen counters over there, said the assistant. I looked over and saw one of them talking to himself. ""1 kitchen, 2 kitchens, 3 kitchens...""" +32888,2,my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park +32889,2,I asked my girlfriend this morning how she would like her eggs and she said: Fertilized +32890,4,"TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay... The preferred term is ""Navy enlisted personnel.""" +32891,1,Wanna hear a good weed joke? Never mind I forgot it. +32892,0,"A husband comes home to his wife ""Honey, I have wonderful news!"" ""What is it?"" ""You remember that $200 gift card we got for John and Samantha? The one I misplaced?"" ""You found it??"" ""No! They're getting divorced, so we won't need to get them a gift after all!""" +32893,2,What do you get when you cross a gay man and a Jew? A hit Broadway musical! +32894,4,We should line up all the parents who do not vaccinate their children... and push them off the edge of the earth +32895,0,"Three guys were driving on a rainy night... ...when their car broke down and they couldn't fix it. So they walked to the nearest farmhouse and asked the farmer if they could spend the night. He said, ""Y'all can sleep in the barn but no one's allowed to go upstairs in the house to bother my daughter."" They all agreed. The first guy couldn't help himself. In the middle of the night he starts going up the stairs when he hits a creaky step. ""Who's that!"" the farmer yelled. ""Meow,"" says the guy and the farmer went back to sleep. The second guy did the same thing and stepped on the same creaky step. ""Who's that!"" hollered the farmer. ""Meow,"" said the guy and the farmer went to sleep. The third guy, being the complete dumbass he was, stepped on that same creaky board. The farmer said, ""Who's that!"" And the guy says, ""A cat!"" The next morning the farmer has them all out in the field and says, ""Since you broke the rules I want you to go out there and pick your favorite fruit and shove it up your ass."" The first guy starts picking some cherries. The second guy picked some grapes. Suddenly they both start cracking up and the farmer says, ""You think this is a joke? What's so god damn funny?"" ""The dumbshit's over there picking watermelons!""" +32896,1,"A man needs 2 tickets to Pittsburgh... A man needs 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, so he approaches the ticket desk and encounters a rather large-breasted women behind the counter. ""I need 2 pickets to Tittsburgh"" he says. ""Excuse me?"" the ticket lady says, slightly offended. ""I'm sorry,"" the man replies. ""I've been messing up my words all day. Why just this morning I meant to ask my wife 'Honey would you pass the sugar?', but instead I said ""You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!'""" +32897,1,"A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine. I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?" +32898,0,Bernie Sanders is elected president +32899,0,"A woman drowns at sea. A fishing boat notices and rescues her. One man performs CPR on the woman, and she wakes up. ""Thank God someone knows CPR,"" one member says. The man replied,""What the hell is CPR?""" +32900,1,"Conservative forces are those like gravity and springs that hold onto energy until released. These are not to be confused with liberal forces, which just give you energy if you ask nicely. ^(Please don't hurt me.)" +32901,0,The pascode to my phone is 0911 That way I never forget it. +32902,1,How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw +32903,2,People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do! +32904,3,"Stay Stay!!!!! I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, ""Now you stay. Do you hear me?"" ""Stay! Stay!"" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, ""Why don't you just put it in park?""" +32905,5,"A couple have four children. The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, “Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine?” His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm “Yes.” The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away. His wife breathes a similar sigh of relief: “Thank fuck he didn’t ask about the other three!”" +32906,0,What do you call an egyptian sun god with a colombian accent? ShakiRA +32907,3,What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment. +32908,1,"The Blacksmith and the Iron Ore A miner extracts a big chunk of iron ore and decides to use it for his own gain. He takes the ore to the blacksmith. The blacksmith inspects the ore and states ""Well, they's a lot of iron in this chunk. I'll be able to extract enough iron to make you a **greatsword**! Come back tomorrow!"" The next day, the miner goes to the forge to meet the blacksmith in expectation of the greatsword. The blacksmith replies ""I analyzed the ore a bit and it's on the poor side, I'm not confident with making a greatsword with this material, but I will be able to make you a **gladius**. Come back tomorrow!"" The next day, the miner goes again to the forge to meet the blacksmith in expectation of the gladius. The blacksmith replies ""I analyzed the ore a bit more and it's really, really on the poor side; I'm sure a gladius would be a bad idea with the low quality of the iron, but I will be able to make you a **dagger**. Come back tomorrow!"" The next day, the miner goes again to the forge to meet the blacksmith in expectation of the dagger. The blacksmith replies ""I finished the ore analysis and it's very, very poor in iron; I can't make a dagger, but I can make a **woosh**, and I can make it now, do you want it?"" ""Ok, make me one then"" The blacksmith takes the iron, heats it up, takes it out of the fire, hits it with the hammer repeatedly, and then dunks it in water. Woosh!" +32909,4,"I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain. Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse." +32910,1,Two cats are swimming in a river... The first cat is named One Two Three and the second cat is named Un Deux Trois. Which cat makes it across the river first? One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank. +32911,0,Why did the vacuum company get banned by its competitors? Performance enhancing rugs. +32912,0,"I had a professor give a speech after seeing a 57% class average on the first exam. He told us, ""You can't read or you can't read."" Sadly, I won't learn the answer because he died two years before I graduated." +32913,6,"Pierre, the French pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: ""Pierre kiss me!"" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. ""What are you doing, Pierre?"" says the startled Marie. ""I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says: ""Pierre, kiss me lower."" Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. ""Pierre! What are you doing?"" asks the bewildered Marie. ""I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers: ""Pierre, kiss me lower!"" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously: ""Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"" Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says: ""I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!""" +32914,3,I used to think air was always free Until I bought a bag of chips +32915,4,"Two Best Friends Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time. They decided that in spite of their two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was a psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was a proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. They came up with Queers and Rears. That didn't satisfy the town council either. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends." +32916,3,Who is the king of christmas music? Elfis Presently +32917,3,What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on? A pull out couch. +32918,2,You see that movie about Queen Victoria's first menstrual cycle? I thought it was bloody good and I normally don't care for period dramas. +32919,0,Why do white people own a lot of pets? It's cuz they can't own black people anymore +32920,1,"(NSFW)The pilgrim asked the Indian Chief: ""How about letting me have one of your women for a while""? ""That depends on how much money you have"" the chief replied. The pilgrim said"" I don't have a nickel, all I have is a bag of corn."" The chief accepted the corn and led the pilgrim into a teepee, where a woman offered him her backside. Flustered, the pilgrim asked for her vagina. ""No, she replied, ""That's my money hole. You get my corn hole""" +32921,1,What do light beer and sex in a canoe have in common? They're both fucking pretty close to water. +32922,1,What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common? They both lead to black holes +32923,1,"Why is the Higgs Boson referred to as the ""God Particle?"" Because it gives us Mass" +32924,1,"An old married couple were celebrating their anniversary... So they decided to have breakfast in the nude. The wife, feeling a bit naughty, asked her husband, ""Are my breasts as hot as they were thirty years ago?"" The old man peers through his glasses at her for a minute and says, ""Yep, you're right one's in your coffee, your left one's in your oatmeal!""" +32925,0,Why did the oxide? Because the acid. +32926,8,"A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW] Wife: ""Come and play with me"" Man: ""Okay..."" He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure. So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence. He walked back in and slid the post up the woman's ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong. And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub." +32927,1,"I told my roommate you get enough vitamin C in your diet without needing supplements. The next morning, I noticed he was still taking Vitamin C with breakfast. ""Why are you taking that?"" I quizzed him. ""What do you mean?"" was his response. Feeling the need to revisit our previous discussion, I reminded him, ""It's fruitless""." +32928,3,"What did the wisemen, who were Reddit users, say to Jesus? We come bearing GIFs." +32929,0,"Fast-Fucking Fox meets a rabbit in the forest. Hey rabbit, wanna fuck? No Was it that bad?" +32930,1,"If you want to be a computer science major, all you have do is get sick. Before long you’ll be coughing and hacking." +32931,1,What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...? A fork +32932,5,Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land. +32933,1,"Went to the zoo today There were no animals, only a single dog. It was a shih tzu" +32934,2,Where did Jewish raindrops go in Nazi Germany? To the Condensation camps +32935,0,"My daughter wanted a Siamese cat, so I went online to find one and was shocked to see how expensive they were... So I bought two ordinary Tabbies and glued their heads together..." +32936,0,"Eight-year old Jimmy comes home from school with a note from his teacher that says, ""Jimmy stole a pencil from the student next to him."" Jimmy's father is furious. He goes to great lengths to lecture Jimmy and to let him know how upset and dissapointed he is, and he grounds the boy for 2 weeks. Finally he concludes, ""Anyway, Jimmy, why didn't you day anything? Why didn't you simply ask? You know very well that I can bring back dozens of pencils from work!""" +32937,2,What do you call Bob Ross's kid? A happy little mistake. +32938,2,Why were people drawn and quartered? They were tearable people +32939,2,"A Roman walks into a bar... He points up two fingers and says, ""Five beers please!""" +32940,7,What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2 Na +32941,1,"What do you call a group of 30 crows and 3 people dressed as crows. A Murder, most fowl." +32942,2,"Man, I really love my furniture. Me and my recliner go way back." +32943,1,My supervisor said I'm getting a poor appraisal because my communication skills are so weak I didn't know what to say to that +32944,0,What is vegetable does Thanos like best? Sugar snap peas +32945,3,"A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks ""Why the long face?"" The man replies ""I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."" The bartender looks shocked and says ""I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."" The man asks ""Well what would you do in my situation?"" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says ""If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."" The man jumps up from his stool and shouts ""That's a great idea! Thanks!"" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. ""Did you kill the guy?"" The bartender asks nervously. ""Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.""" +32946,1,"What did the cunning linguist say to the angry german? Why so sour, Kraut?" +32947,1,What's a sheep's favorite type of joke? Baaad ones. +32948,0,Wow so much Pewdiepie drama I did Nazi that coming... I'll see myself out. +32949,1,How did hitter die? He had a heart attack when he saw his gas bill. (Hitler my bad) +32950,0,Psych eval My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again. +32951,1,"My girlfriend confused me by asking, ""Anal?"" It was such an open ended question." +32952,1,Do you believe in superstition? I think it's bad luck to believe in superstition. Good day folks! +32953,1,"It was a year ago today my dad died I will always remember the last words he spoke ""Keep the fucking ladder still you twat!""" +32954,6,What do you get if you drop a piano on a child? A flat minor +32955,0,"What's the difference between dubstep and any other kind of electronic music? In the middle of a dubstep track, Optimus Prime takes a dump." +32956,5,Lice have become resistant to most conventional treatments. Scientists are scratching their heads. +32957,1,What did Kermit the frog day when Jim Henson died? Nothing +32958,3,"Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal? It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a ""balanced"" breakfast." +32959,0,Stalin was probably a fan of gangbangs. Since he did like sharing. +32960,1,"Have you heard about the Flint, Michigan football team? Their lead is unstoppable!" +32961,3,"A magic frog is hopping through a forest. The forest is so big, he's not seen a single animal since he left his birthing puddle. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit and he stops them. ""As you are the first living things I've seen in a long time, I will grant you each 3 wishes."" The rabbit takes a moment to think, but the bear blurts out ""I wish all the other bears in this forest were female!"" And poof. All the other bears magically become female. The rabbit then asks for a crash helmet which, in a puff of smoke appears in his hands. The bear then excitedly asks ""make all the bears in the country women!"" So the frog does. The rabbit then asks for a motorised scooter with infinite fuel which appears beneath him. On his 3rd wish the bear can hardly contain himself as he shouts ""make all the other bears in the world female!!"" After a few moments of concentration, the frog nods and says it's done. The rabbit turns to the bear with a large grin on his face and says ""I wish this bear was gay"" as he speeds off on his scooter." +32962,0,What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A. Pumpkin pi. +32963,4,"A cat is walking home alongside a stream When he sees a sausage floating down it. Not to miss an opportunity he pulls it out with his paw and takes it home for his wife and kittens for supper. The next day he decides to walk by the stream again, as luck would have it there's another sausage but this time bigger than the last. It takes two paws into pull it out, then takes it home to feed his wife and kittens. The following day he sees an even bigger sausage this time he reaches in and it takes him 3 paws to pull it out almost slipping in and getting wet. Again his family is loving it. The very next night on the way home a monster of a sausage floating down the stream. It takes all 4 paws to pull it from the water. Of course the cat falls in. The moral of the story, the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy! (I've known this joke since I was 13. So it might be a bit immature for you guys)" +32964,5,"I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there." +32965,0,Robert Patterson will be the perfect Batman. He already sucked in Twilight. +32966,2,"Today was a terrible day, my ex got hit by a bus And I lost my job as a bus driver" +32967,2,I have a joke about leprosy... But it would probably fall apart at the end. +32968,0,"Bees A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, ""What seems to be the problem?"" ""I'm out of gas,"" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ""Try it now,"" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. ""Wow!"" the man exclaimed, ""What did you put in my gas tank?"" ""BP.""" +32969,0,What's the mountains favorite lullaby? Bedrock +32970,0,"Why are there so many ""How many does it take to change a lightbulb"" jokes? It only takes one to screw it up... EDIT: Muphry's law at work." +32971,0,"If I had to lose a body part, it'd be my penis It's really holding me back. Also, I'm dyslexic." +32972,1,Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white? It was recently spotted +32973,1,It's not hard to know who to believe in the Stormy Daniels controversy. One's a lying whore... and the other's just a porn actress. +32974,0,Why will you never see a nun on an oil rig? They're not allowed to drill. +32975,0,"That's disgusting A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, ""Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, ""That's disgusting!"" Then the waitress says, ""You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.""" +32976,0,"I was out window shopping... Wishing I could afford something .... Looking at one suit I said out loud ""That's the one I'd get"" And then Cyclops appeared from nowhere and punched me in the face! " +32977,4,"A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans... A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up. ​ First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he tells the Germans everything he knows. ​ Then, they go to the English man. The hit him and hit him for 5 minutes before finally he gives up and tells them everything he knows. ​ Lastly, they go to the Italian. They beat him and beat him for hours and hours to the point where he looks almost dead, but he doesn't say a word. Finally, they give up. The Germans untie all of them and throw them into a cell together. ​ The French and the English men are extremely surprised. ""How did you manage not to say anything?"" the French man asked. ​ The Italian shrugged, ""I wanted to, but they tied me up and I couldn't move my hands!""" +32978,3,How do you make a ceaser salad from a regular salad? Stab it 23 times. +32979,2,"When you transgress the laws of men, you go to jail. When you transgress the laws of God, you go to hell. When you transgress the laws of physics, you go to Stockholm to receive a Nobel price." +32980,5,"A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”" +32981,5,Why did the mermaid wear seashells? Because she grew out of her B- shells! +32982,0,"Talking about Hillary Clinton While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hillary Clinton and her role as the Democratic Nominee for President. The old farmer said, "" Well, as I see it, Hillary Clinton is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, ""When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."" The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. ""You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she's elevated beyond her ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.""" +32983,3,"Here's a collection of the best/worst dad jokes I know. ""When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down."" ""Why are skeletons always so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."" ""What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."" ""Why can't T rexes clap their hands? Because they're extinct."" ""Why did the girl smear peanut butter over the road? To have something to go along with the traffic jam."" ""What do you call a factory that produces okay products? A satisfactory."" ""A nurse once said to me: I'm sorry for the wait. I responded: I'm patient."" ""Why did the invisible man decline the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it."" ""I used to work at a calender factory. They fired me because I took a couple days off."" ""A friend once told me: it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole in the ground filled with water. I know he means well."" ""I disposed of my empty batteries recently. Free of charge."" Feel free to add more..." +32984,2,How did Trump accidentally hang himself? He thought it was fake noose. +32985,0,Have you seen the fight in the fish store Two fish got battered +32986,0,What did the Christian say at the concert? This beat knocks harder than a Jehovah's Witness. +32987,0,My roommate gets mad when I make fun of his lisp. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take. +32988,1,What do you call an extremely rude potato? A dick tater. +32989,6,"unemployed Guy works in the pickle factory, comes home after work and tells his wife, ""Bad news, honey. I've been fired"". ""What? Why? What happened?"" ""Well, I've always wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer and, well, today I finally did it."" ""My god, no! Are you okay?"" ""Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."" ""What about the pickle slicer?"" ""They fired her, too."" " +32990,0,How many dirty buggers does it take to change a light bulb? Thirty. +32991,0,What do you get when you mate an elephant and a rabbit? Flat rabbit. +32992,5,"A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree... Teacher: ""Bob, which tree do you love most?"" Bob: ""The eucalyptus is pretty"" Teacher: ""That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"" Bob: ""Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak""" +32993,0,"Second Opinion Man goes in for a prostate check . Dr. sticks a finger in and after a check declares that all is good. Man says, ""Doc, can you stick two fingers in?"" ""Why?"" ""I want a second opinion.""" +32994,5,Where do poor Italians live? In the spaghetto. +32995,1,"Pundits: Don't sleep on Oklahoma. LSU: Oklahoma must be dirty, we should take them to the cleaners." +32996,0,"I hate the ""First of all"" meme First of all, where's the rest of your list?" +32997,3,"One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career. For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said ""No, but his face rings a bell."" Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said ""No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy.""" +32998,1,What happens when you tell Annie Frank a knock knock joke? She goes to the attic. +32999,1,My old job was drilling holes to locate water It was well boring! +33000,1,"My car got stolen the other day. The police asked me if I saw the thief's face. I told them, ""no, but I got their license plate""!" +33001,0,I don't mind if I miss the eclipse today... I can go to any junkyard and find a totaled eclipse tomorrow. +33002,1,"A professor wrote on the board ""Women without her men are nothing"" When the men where asked to properly punctuate this, they put ""Women, without her men, are nothing."" When the women were asked to punctuate this they wrote ""Women: without her, men are nothing""." +33003,3,Sex is like a race.. To see who comes first. Me or the police. +33004,0,"I called the sheriff! Johnny said. ""Depp, you tease!"" Amber said." +33005,1,"Two friends are having a discussion about communism and socialism One friend isn’t quite getting the differences between the two and asks, “so is socialism like diet communism?” His friend replies, “you don’t get more diet than communism”." +33006,1,"Me: Hi, I’m trying to fix my crippling fear of rejection, can I have your number? Girl(s): absolutely not Me: ah, thankyou. " +33007,0,"Imma name my son Jon Snow.. So when he fails his exams, I can say, ""YOU KNO NOTHIN', JON SNOW!""" +33008,3,"What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing, she’s fine." +33009,2,"A man was walking down the street A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinners. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ""If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"" ""No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"" the homeless man replied. ""Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"" the man asked. ""No, I don't gamble,"" the homeless man said. ""I need everything I can get just to stay alive."" ""Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"" the man asked. ""Are you NUTS!"" replied the homeless man. ""I haven't played golf in 20years!"" ""Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?"" the man asked. ""What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"" exclaimed the homeless man. ""Well,"" said the man, ""I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."" The homeless man was astounded. ""Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."" The man replied, ""That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."" " +33010,6,"Life is like a penis. It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard." +33011,1,One time I had a doughnut stuffed with icing It was filling! +33012,0,"A black guy finds a lamp and starts rubbing it Then, a genie pops out and tells him he has three wishes. The black guy thinks about it for a couple seconds and then tells the genie he wishes to be ""white, uptight, and out of sight"" so the genie makes him an unused tampon." +33013,0,"On Family Guy, why is the Griffen's internet so slow? They only have one meg." +33014,0,"A man was travelling on a road... Suddenly another man passed him and shouts: - Hey, PIG! Triggered, the man turned his head around and screamed: - F*** you Dog! WHAMM! The man was hospitalized because he collided with a pig" +33015,3,"An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins. Right as he left his house, he was mugged. His cab was stolen. His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people. On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight. When he made it to the airport, he was selected for additional screening. Finally, when he made it on another plane set out for Scotland, he sat next to an old man. After a few minutes, the archaeologist turned to the old man, ""Hi, my name is Doug. I'm an archaeologist."" The old man didn't respond. There was a short pause before the archaeologist spoke again, ""Man, it seems like everyone's against me today."" The old man chuckled, ""Well, it looks like your career is in ruins.""" +33016,0,"What's black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a spear through her head." +33017,2,"To the guy who hacked my Reddit account I swear I'll find you, even if it's the last thing I do! Edit: No you won't" +33018,1,Following US politics is like watching a mad biologist at work. You can see an orange going bananas right before your eyes. +33019,1,How did the Captain Hook die? He scratched his balls +33020,0,Why was Harry Styles thrown out of Hogwarts? Because of his wand erection. +33021,0,If I had a stick up my ass for every person who tried to break free from a meaningless label... I'd write jokes about there being only two genders! +33022,0,"“Give it to me!” she yelled. ""I’m so fucking wet, give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella." +33023,4,I know how to make holy water You boil the hell out of it +33024,2,All I want to say about 2017... ...is that it was an odd year. +33025,1,Why did the football team take the short bus to the game? They needed more downs. +33026,1,Terrible accident Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. +33027,3,Light is faster than sound That explain why some people seems bright until the talk +33028,5,I keep asking people what LGBT means I can never get a straight answer +33029,4,Two drill bits meet on the street - how is going? you look a little dull - yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff +33030,1,"I love Elevator Jokes, They just work on so many levels." +33031,0,"What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas? Cancer " +33032,3,I told my wife she'd trimmed her eye brows too high.. She looked surprised. +33033,1,"An architect was exploring Asia When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied ""Soviet Russia"". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site. He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a bomb and is almost at the peak of his discovery. He panics, it he remembered how to disarm the bomb. He does what he was told to when he learned it before. He sighs a sigh of relief, and when he turns back to the ancient drawings, he screams in pain as his arms fly off. He remembers ""In Soviet Russia you don't disarm bomb, bomb disarms you!""" +33034,1,I compiled my program and it ran perfectly... but now I'll have to chase it. +33035,0,I regret forcing my wife to get a prenup... Because she got a new job that makes 2x what I do. +33036,0,I'm totally certain Trump's campaign colluded with the Russians There are too many red flags! +33037,3,"A smart blonde joke. A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a flight from NY to LA. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game? The blonde, who is tired, just wants to take a nap. She politely declines and rolls down the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."" Again she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated says "" fine, if you don't know the answer you give me $5.00 but if I don't know the answer then I'll give you $500.00"" This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer goes first ""What is the distance from earth to the moon?"" The blonde silently reaches into her purse and proceeds to pass the lawyer $5.00 ""Ok"" says the lawyer ""Your turn."" The blonde turns to the lawyer and says ""what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"" The lawyer, puzzled, pulls out his laptop and checks all his references. Nothing. Frustrated, he emails all his friends and colleagues, to no avail. After an hour he wakes up the blonde, who had fallen asleep, and passes her $500.00. The blonde smiles, puts the money in her purse and falls back to sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes up the blonde and ask her the answer. The blonde stares at him for a moment, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five and goes back to sleep." +33038,1,The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike She wasn’t promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. (Mat Ewins) +33039,0,How do you pickup a Jewish Girl? Broom and Dustpan. +33040,1,What do you call two non-matching socks that actually match? A Pair-a-socks! +33041,0,"The Spanish word for today is wheelchair There’s only one donut left, so wheelchair (*licks donut and smiles*)" +33042,0,"Does the carpet match the drapes? Nope, I've got hardwood. " +33043,1,I have a form of dyslexia for words At the end of a sentence I sometimes say the wrong sauce +33044,6,Why do bugs have odd beliefs? They're in sects. +33045,0,"A three legged dog walks into a bar. And said.,""I'm looking for the man wut shot my paw.""" +33046,3,I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white. Looked pretty plane to me. +33047,4,"Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling... Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling by train from Stockholm to Oslo. The Swedes only buys one ticket, but the Norwegians buys two. On the train, the Swedes locks themselves in the toilet. When the conductor goes by, he knocks on the door, asking for the ticket. They slip the ticket under the door, the conductor cuts it and moves on. The Norwegians sees this, and on the way back, the Norwegians buys one ticket, but the Swedes buys none. On the train, the Norwegians locks themselves in the toilet. The Swedes soon knocks on their door, asks for their ticket. The Swedes takes the ticket, goes to the next toilet and locks themselves in." +33048,1,The presents I'm giving my wife look terrible I guess that's because white guys can't wrap... +33049,2,"3 balloons: Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon Daddy balloon says to baby balloon: ""Look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed."" Baby balloon protests: ""I like sleeping with you and mommy."" ""No, you are not sleeping with us and that is final!"" says daddy balloon. ""OK"" says baby balloon sadly. At 2 in the morning, baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mommy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some helium, then ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mommies knot, also lets some helium out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some helium, and ties himself up again. He finally has room, and snuggles down with mommy and daddy, falling fast asleep. The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He says: Son, I am really disappointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. You've let me down, mummy down, and yourself down too!" +33050,8,What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet +33051,1,Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris? So the Germans could march in the shade. +33052,5,I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days. Excellent. +33053,2,To all these people telling America n Americans to go fuck themselves I think they already took care of that in November! +33054,0,What do you call a mushroom with a 10 inch stem? A Fungi to be with. +33055,1,When you go to a French-Afghani fusion restaurant... ...but you can't decide between the lamb burger or l'hamburger. +33056,5,The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard. I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil. +33057,2,"A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman. A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask, ""Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!""" +33058,0,the vegetarian hooker the only thing she will do is toss the salad +33059,2,"An Amnesiac Walks Into… An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”" +33060,8,Sometimes I just wish I was black. That way I wouldn't have to deal with all the dad jokes +33061,1,It Now you read it on reddit +33062,4,I once told my parents I wanted to be a comedian They laughed. Parents are so supportive... +33063,0,"A child comes home from school and speaks to his mother A child comes home from school and her mother asks him, ""Hey honey, how was school?"" ""Oh, it was a crazy day!"" ""What happened?"" ""Well, first, in the bathroom, Joey McDonald wouldn't stop showing everyone his dick."" ""Penis, honey, penis."" ""Yeah, penis. And then at recess, on the swing, Jennie Fitzgerald didn't wear underwear today so everyone could see her pussy."" ""Vagina, honey, vagina."" ""Oh, yeah vagina. Then on the bus ride home a man walked out in front of the bus and his ass got ran over."" ""Rectum, honey, rectum"" ""Wreck 'em hell, it killed him!""" +33064,1,"My wife said to me today,You have two parts in your brain The left and right side. There is nothing right on the right side, and there is nothing left on the left" +33065,0,I like my women like I like my Bananas Bruised and Inbred +33066,1,What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip. +33067,8,"My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia. It was a sham rock." +33068,0,Do what I ask you to do Say fork for times out loud. Out loud is important. Then say soup exactly five times. Then fork-soup ten times. Then realise that I wasted your time. +33069,3,"Pay your bills Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick (an employee in the palace) obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . . The moral of the story - Pay your bills!  " +33070,3,I like my jokes like I like my sex life... ... quick and unsatisfying. +33071,4,Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it. +33072,1,Why hasn't Russia had any women presidents? Because Vladimir Putin isn't a woman. +33073,4,"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple. And if you were a vegetable, I'd still visit you in the hospital. " +33074,0,"My friend is a chef and has been experimenting with a new recipe for Foie Gras lately. He's been trying to replace the controversial goose liver with that of bigger livestock. I didn't really care for it so I told him straight up, ""I prefer the conventional version but hey, whatever bloats your goat!""" +33075,0,What does an Australian who poops an excessive amount have? A bidet. +33076,2,"A guy was walking down the street one night... ...when he heard a loud ""thump! thump!"" behind him. When he turned around he saw a huge coffin following him. ""thump! thump!"" Well the guy was obviously surprised, and more than just a bit scared. He starts walking a bit faster. The coffin picked up the pace as well, ""Thump! Thump!"" Soon, the guy is running as fast as he can, but the coffin just keeps up, ""THUMP! THUMP!"" He turns the corner and runs into his house, locking the door behind him. The coffin bursts through the door, showering splinters around, ""CRASH! THUMP! THUMP!"" The guy runs to his bathroom with the coffin right behind him. He jumps inside, grabs for anything he can find, throws some NyQuill at it... and the coffin stops." +33077,1,I saw a great Indian porn film last night. Miss Singh In Action. +33078,0,"A redditor looks at this post and thinks... hmmm... is this a good joke? Hmmm... It's not, thinks the redditor." +33079,3,"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if there were 4, it would be called a Chicken Sedan." +33080,0,Whats black and sits on top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. +33081,1,What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall. +33082,6,I have the best doctor Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me. +33083,5,Mars: I’m wet. NASA: I’m coming over. +33084,3,How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Hippies can’t change anything. +33085,1,"A man drives in a car on the freeway and gets stopped by the police. They ask him ""we are looking for a rapist!"". the man replies: ""im sorry, but i can't help you."" the man sits in the car and watches the policeman go back the their vehicle. then he thinks - fuck it. he goes to the police car and knocks on the window. the police opens and the man says: ""ok, i'll do it!""" +33086,4,Dad: Want to know what your brother said before he lost his virginity Son: dad please don’t Dad: exactly +33087,3,An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance So I pushed her over +33088,2,What do you call a female rapper? 38.5 Cent +33089,2,"Help with homework... Billy comes home from school, and tells his dad he learned new words in class. Billy needs help understanding the definition of Optimistically and Realistically. His dad tells Billy to ask his mom, sister, and brother if they would have sex with a man for 10 million dollars. Billy runs off to find his mother doing laundry and asks her the question she blurts out with little thought yes. He asks his sister the same question and she said yes with no thought. He asks his brother and after a couple of minutes of serious thought he says yes Billy returns to his dad with their answers. His dad tells him. ""Optimistically we live with three millionaires, but realistically we live with two sluts and a faggot.""" +33090,2,I love the word buoyancy It really floats my boat. +33091,1,"You Know What My Father Used To Always Say? Nothing because he was never around. Queue sad audience ""awwww""" +33092,3,I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’. I can’t believe how far I’ve come. +33093,0,What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he woke up after surgery? *I am back.* +33094,1,I used to be addicted to the hokey pokie But then I turned myself around. +33095,1,How often do lesbian gypsies get their hands read? Every 28 days or so. +33096,2,Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh? Darn Tutankhamun! +33097,2,"Euclid as a teenager Back in his youthful days, Euclid was sitting around drawing circles with other nerdy Greek kids like he always would. One day, one of the edgier kiddos brought along some weed. ""I conjecture that if we light it up, we will be as high as Mount Olympus!"" ""We must make sure to distribute it evenly based on each of our relative body mass and desire for doobies."" They start calculating the mass of weed and how to distribute it, when Euclid's mom comes to check on them. ""Is that the dank smell of weed?"" ""It's not weed! It's just a cig-ma!"" (I'm so sorry)" +33098,7,"In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!" +33099,0,Why was Rembrandt sad all the time? He was constantly Baroque. +33100,3,"The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''" +33101,2,Amputees don’t have missing limbs. They very likely know where their limbs went. +33102,0,"Meanwhile in Glasgie People are panic buying nail polish, shoe polish, and even furniture polish. There seems to have been a wee misunderstanding about which polish won't be in the UK soon." +33103,0,Homam burning Instead of making Homam ritual with fire why hindus dont make homam cigarettes and smoke as a ritual during the prayers! +33104,6,"Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love. They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. ""Oh, no, no, no,"" the baker responds, ""I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"" Happy Valentine's, everyone!" +33105,4,What's the best part about being pregnant? You never have to drink alone. +33106,2,"Two clowns are eating a cannibal One says to the other ""I think this joke is being told wrong""" +33107,1,"NSFW - A man calls in sick from work His boss says: Well we have an important client meeting and I need you. How sick are you? 'Well, the man says. 'I'm at at home fucking my sister. How sick is that?" +33108,0,I bought some batteries but they weren't included +33109,1,I've quit wearing Lee jeans... ...I'm afraid some anarchist will try to pull them down! +33110,0,Now that The Division is out... I wonder if Ubisoft will make the rest of PEMDAS. +33111,2,How to make a dog drink? Just put it in a blender +33112,0,"A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. They all say ""oww!""." +33113,1,"Ant Man and Hank Pym are having a conversation. Ant Man: Hey Hank, do you think that Pym particles can enlarge parts of your body? Like say I wanted a bigger arm, or a bigger head, or a bigger leg. Hank: Of course they can. Why do you think my wife accepted my proposal?" +33114,1,What animal can a cow communicate with? A MOOse. +33115,2,A doctor visit I go to the doctor. He asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time. I go home. Still don’t know why I’m shitting furniture. My nightmare continues. +33116,2,Why Did 9Gag Cross The Road? To steal a Reddit User's post on the other side. +33117,0,What does a group of guys do in the shower? Synchronised swinging +33118,6,"Sexual Harassment joke.... Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, ""What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"" The woman replies, ""It's Keith, the midget."" " +33119,6,"A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg. It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that'. 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter to me: you're all alike!' The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces 'I no rike Jews anyway' . 'Oh yeah, and why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot. 'You're nuts' exclaims the captain, 'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' , 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me...all bruddy same!!'" +33120,3,2 parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says: Do you smell fish? +33121,5,"I broke my finger last week On the other hand, I'm okay" +33122,2,"What did the fruit say to the vegetable, at dinner? Lettuce Pray" +33123,1,"As a result of deforestation, many species lost their natural habitat Including Folk music bands." +33124,0,What type of file turns a hole o to O size? A pedophile. +33125,1,"A man wants to be an Eskimo... He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, ""If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things: 1) You must drink one gallon of 151 rum, and if you can handle it and maintain all of your faculties, we will know your body and spirit are in harmony. 2) You must climb up the tall mountain and kill the polar bear that resides in the cave at the summit. 3) To show your true love for our race, you must make love to an Eskimo woman of my choosing."" The man thinks for a while, and agrees to complete the challenges. He first drinks the gallon of 151 and it was like nothing ever happened to him. He can talk, walk, and think logically. Next, he ascends the mountain and is not seen for a few hours after entering the cave. The chief breathes a sigh of relief, because he is sure the polar bear killed him, but gets the shock of his life when he sees the man descending the mountain. He is in tatters. His clothes are ripped, he is breathing heavily and sweating profusely, and his hair is pointing in every direction. He approaches the chief, ready for the third challenge and asks, ""Alright, now who is this woman you want me to kill?""" +33126,1,A man asks for a Pepsi at a restaurant. That’s the joke. Fuck Pepsi. +33127,7,"If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well. " +33128,2,How do you kill a black widow? You take away her food stamps. +33129,1,"What would happen if you had a 12 inch nose? It would be a foot. Except, nothing would change, really. They both smell and run." +33130,0,"The Fat Man Ronald Dump was fat. Boy, he was fat. He couldn't drive a car because he couldn't get into the driver's seat, so he had to have a chauffeur drive him around while he sat in the back of a modified hearse that they loaded him into from the back. He couldn't take an airline flight because there wasn't enough room for him in the seats, and they wouldn't let him travel Air Freight. Fortunately, he had inherited multi-millions, so he had a Lear Jet purposely built to fit his dimensions. As he got bigger and bigger he finally decided to do something about it, so, being rich, he called in the greatest experts of the day. They all had different approaches, and even different medications. Not one to do things by half he took all their advice, all their different methods, and all their medications. He began to lose weight rapidly: so rapid that his skin no longer fit him. He was like a skinny man in a wet suit ten times too big. He turned to his Press Secretary who came up with a solution. He pulled all the skin tight and tied a knot above his head. Then he shoved a big hat over the knot. The next day he went to meet the press. Everyone was astounded. ""You look wonderful"", was the response, ""And we love your new tie...""" +33131,10,My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard. Personally I’m on the fence. +33132,1,I am a muslim and i beat my wife daily In Rocket League. She is a terrible player. +33133,1,"My sister used to be a beekeeper. She lived in California, but was always very emotional. She decided to get into bee keeping by way of therapy, but one day her favourite bee died. She'd named him Alloudocius. We always called her the super sister because she looked after us, but things were never the same after her bee died. We blamed it on my Super cali fragile sister's ex bee Alloudocius." +33134,0,"A husband tells his wife: ""I don't know why you wear a bra. You have nothing to put in it."" The wife answers back ""You wear briefs, don't you?""" +33135,1,Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it? He was arrested for money laundrying +33136,0,History is written by the victor... But Victor isn't here! +33137,1,Discussing my new-found kink has been rough It turns out the only thing I am sexually attracted to is final scene from the movie Heat. I've tried to talk to my friends about it But nobody wants to hear how I came to that conclusion. +33138,0,"If you think it, don't say it. If you say it, don't write it down. If you write it down, don't... ... be surprised. -Soviet proverb. Also seemed relevant in light of the CIA news." +33139,2,"Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, ""My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."" The second Catholic man chirps, ""My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."" The third Catholic gent says, ""My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."" The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, ""My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."" Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, ""Well ...?"" She proudly replies, ""I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38"" DD bust, 24"" waist and 34"" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, ""Oh My God.""" +33140,0,"What did the woman who identified as a man say to her/his therapist? ""I have a couple things I need to get off my chest.""" +33141,0,"Husband: ""We rarely have sex anymore... yet you keep ordering me around..do this and do that. I've had enough!"" Wife: ""But I need you to buy me a razor.."" Husband: ""Ha! Forget it. If you want it, go buy it yourself."" Wife: ""But I wanted to have sex tonight & I need the razor to shave my bush & my legs.."" Husband:""Argh! Dammit, woman. How could you... I can't even begin to.... ....razor..... what else?" +33142,2,A midget at a bus stop got mad at me when I offered I'm a ride... I closed my backpack and I went my way. +33143,6,"The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”   “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”  ""That would be wonderful,"" says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.   He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”   The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.   Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, ""No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds.""  The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.   The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.  ""This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. ""What seems to be the problem, sir?"" ""This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!""   The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. ""I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."" " +33144,1,joke to ask someone (funny!) ask them to ask you who joe is and then when they ask you who joe is say joe mama! +33145,6,"“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”" +33146,1,I hate playing chess with communists! They're always stalin' for time.. +33147,0,After extensive testing Homeland Security has decided on the most effective material for constructing Trump's border wall. Nomex. +33148,0,I Have The Body Of A God.. Too Bad It's Buddha! +33149,0,I also don't understand why the German army couldn't find Anne Frank I mean how could they Nazi her. +33150,0,Why do Asians hate Football? Because they spend 12 hours a day making them +33151,7,"I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, ""You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting.""" +33152,0,What do racing drivers enjoy the most from their wife ? A lap dance. +33153,3,Why are Americans so bad at chess? They already lost two towers. +33154,1,"A Jewish boy goes to his father and asks for 50 cents... ""I don't have 40 cents. What do you want with 30 cents? Here's 20 cents.""" +33155,0,She Can't Spell? boy: spell me girl: M-E boy: you forgot the D girl: there's no D in me boy: not yet... +33156,3,"An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening.... ""Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?"" He says ""I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..."" Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says ""Well... what do you think of me now?"" He says without skipping a beat "" I think I did a fairly good job!""" +33157,3,"Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek, with Einstein seeking. As he counts down, Pascal goes and hides in the bushes but Newton stands in front of him, takes out a piece of chalk, and draws a square around himself on the ground. When Einstein reaches 0, he looks up and sees Newton and declares, ""I've found Newton!"" Newton replies, ""No you haven't. You've found one Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!""" +33158,0,"CSI: Miami Intro At the crime scene Cop: Sir, it looks like the bullet went through 5 homosexual teenagers before hitting the wall. Horatio: ...It looks like the bullet went in *puts sunglasses on* one direction YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" +33159,1,What does Trudeau call the opposite of man? Wopeople. +33160,0,"What do you say when a Muslim claims to be a 7-11 type of guy, not a 9-11 type? Ooh only two points to go? Keep trying" +33161,1,What do you call a guy who's parents both have red hair and freckles? A ginger bred man. +33162,2,Energizer Bunny just arrested. He was charged with battery! +33163,0,I want my belly to be john cena So you can't see it. +33164,1,"All the famous movie monsters are at the bar... ...Dracula is sipping a Bloody Mary, the Creature from the Black Lagoon is having a dirty martini, and the Wolf Man is drinking beer from a bowl on the floor. All of a sudden, some of the 80s crowd shows up. Freddie Krueger is standing behind Jason Voorhees as he tries to get the bartender's attention. The bartender walks over to get Jason his drink... but Jason just stands there holding eight fingers up. The bartender and if he wants eight beers. Jason shakes his head no. ""Eight shots?"" Another head shake. The bartender gets frustrated and yells ""Dude! What do you want?!"" Freddie peeks over Jason's shoulder and says ""Don't you know? Jason takes Manhattans.""" +33165,0,"1st joke ever let me know what you think.....millenial 400m track runner never starts to run.... He was the most promised athlete in all of high school and was to run the 400 meter dash. The event starts and the gun shoots and everyone runs but him. The race finishes and reporters come up to him and ask why he didn't run his response was ""I don't believe in races, we were all born equal"" I just came up with it if it sucks it sucks sorry lol" +33166,1,WHAT DO WE WANT? \\- TIME TRAVEL! ​ \\- WHEN DO WE WANT IT? ​ \\- IT'S IRRELEVANT! +33167,1,My friend who works as a pizza chef apparently gets paid well He told me he's making dough. +33168,0,TIL one of Lil Peep's legs was shorter than the other. He was leanin'. +33169,3,"Johnny's Seven Cats Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”" +33170,0,"What happens if Rihanna eats raw chicken? She's gonna get salmonella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh." +33171,2,Did you know that the American flag on the moon was bleached due to solar radiation? Now it looks like the French landed there first +33172,0,Im not gay.... But my bf is. +33173,3,"Two AARP members go to a sex therapist... The doctor asked, ""What can I do for you?"" The man said, ""Will you watch us have sex?"" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, ""There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,"" and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, ""Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"" ""We're not trying to find out anything,"" the husband replied. ""She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare."" " +33174,0,"I was listening to ""Club Tropicana"" today... ... And it dawned on me. It's been ages since a heard a Wham! song. Come to think of it, it must have been Last Christmas." +33175,2,"Are monks allowed to use email? Yes, as long as there're no attachments." +33176,0,I like my women how I like my bread... Gluten free. +33177,4,I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. he's just going through a rough patch! +33178,1,What do you call a group of rappers that masturbate in synchronization? Bone Tugs In Harmony +33179,2,What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school? Preppy le Pew +33180,0,I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day... Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin* +33181,0,I like my screws like I like my girls Stripped +33182,0,What is another name for a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? Ash. +33183,1,Heavy metal is a lot like jazz.... It's the lyrics you DON'T hear +33184,0,What do a baby and a martini have in common? I prefer both of them shaken +33185,2,Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates It won't last very long for fat people. +33186,0,Did I tell you my deja vu joke before? . +33187,2,Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable? He couldn't swallow the wheelchair. +33188,3,So I went to a courtroom for a trial Judge: State your name Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: \\*moonwalks the hell out of there\\* +33189,1,"Eastern Europe Loved the USSR In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the airport and says that this statue was erected to show the Czechoslovak people’s gratitude for the USSR’s help in building the airport. The delegate is pleased, but not too impressed as such statues are common in Eastern Europe. As they drive into the town they pass the national war memorial and the minister points out an even larger silver statue of Stalin, and says that this statue was erected to show the Czechoslovak people’s gratitude for the USSR’s help in liberating the country from the Nazis. The delegate is impressed, as while such statues are common in Eastern Europe he has never heard of a silver one. As they drive into the centre of town they pass the main square and the minister points out an even larger gold statue of Brezhnev, and says that this statue was erected to show the Czechoslovak people’s gratitude for the USSR’s economic help and friendship to the country. The delegate is astonished, as while some cities in Eastern Europe have statues to Brezhnev he has never heard of such a large one and certainly never a gold one. Overcome by emotion, the delegate says “I have never been so impressed! The Czechoslovak people must really love their brothers in the USSR!” The minister says quietly and seriously “Yes, we must”." +33190,0,What do ducks do when the see danger coming towards them. They duck.... +33191,0,I can't believe that they are still together after so much shit. My ass cheeks +33192,2,Throwing acid is wrong. In some people's eyes. +33193,0,"May I call you princess! - Of course you may not! -- very well Mr Smith, let's start your prostate exam." +33194,0,I went to my Italian friend's house I think his parents were deaf! He was moving his hands all over the place. +33195,0,How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan. +33196,0,Why don't Game of Thrones characters tweet with Twitter? They were ravin' with Raven. +33197,0,Have you guys heard about the new cricket tournament taking place in Boston? It's gonna be wicket awesome! +33198,1,What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons? A crustacean menstruation station. +33199,1,A personified joke walks into a sub And triggers a flair +33200,0,What did the snake say when it used a snail as a car? Ssssss car go! Like escargot! Anybody?? +33201,2,What's green and smells like red paint? Green paint +33202,0,What's gray and comes in quarts? Elephants. +33203,0,My trainer told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. I hit her with a Thunderbolt and locked her in her own Pokeball. +33204,1,What is Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1Forrest1 +33205,2,What do you call a well planned microwave? A tactical nuke +33206,0,"Wisconsin people must have a hard time remembering who goes first when playing cards against humanity, because of the cheese consumption. If you have played cards against humanity you will get it" +33207,0,"I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said ""I love you and only you"" I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards" +33208,0,What do you call a group of trump supporters? Idiots +33209,6,"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM. Unbelievable, 2 AM! Luckily I was still up practicing with my band." +33210,2,I feel like I got a bad deal on my dwarf transformation surgery... I was definitely short-changed. +33211,3,"Three guys are drinking at a bar.. And the first one, after a few drinks, says to the others. ""I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber"" ""Why do you think that?"" the other two ask ""because when i got home last week, i found plumber's tools under the bed"" the other two console him, buy a round of drinks, and keep drinking the next guy says to the others. ""I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician"" ""Why do you think that?"" the other two ask ""because when i came home last night, i found cables and electricians tools under the bed"" the other two console him, buy a round of drinks, and keep drinking. The third guy, after thinking it through a few times, despite the many drinks he has had, looks at the other two and declares. ""I think my wife is having an affair with a horse"" the other two just stare at him, then at each other, finally they get up the courage to ask. ""why the hell do you think that?"" Close to Tears, he answers, ""because i came home from work, and found a fucking jockey under the bed"" " +33212,2,What do you call a medical student who graduated at the bottom of his class? Doctor +33213,0,"In Days of Old When men were bold And women were not particular, We stood them all against the wall and did it perpendicular. " +33214,4,Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is... Unless you're in prison +33215,1,What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in? +33216,2,"A programmer is having trouble with a program..... Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes. After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time. Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage. In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing. He sent an email to every programmer he knew; he had to inform them of his program's sentience. He ended the essay of an email with a closing note. ""Looks like the real joke is in the comments"" " +33217,2,"The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily ""On what grounds!?"" ""Your honor,"" the lawyer explained, ""my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had.""" +33218,5,Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter? Because he killed all 140 characters. +33219,0,What's the best kind of party? One without a punchline +33220,1,Did you hear about that Japanese business man who killed himself because couldn't handle not solving the daily newspaper puzzle? He committed Sudoku. +33221,2,"A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his own guitars Judge: First time offender? Woman: No, first the Gibson, then the fender" +33222,7,"Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day." +33223,2,People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well. I think they nailed it. +33224,2,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef +33225,1,What’s the difference between 17 and 18? Jail +33226,0,Why did the kitchen blush? Because everyone could see her pantries +33227,2,What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11? Hillary Clinton's campaign. +33228,2,I walked into my sisters room and tripped over a bra It was a booby trap. +33229,1,Someone told me I have anger issues Lets just say they wont be saying that anymore +33230,1,I asked my Asian friend if he owned a dog Or is he vegetarian +33231,0,"So a husband and wife go to marriage counseling. The counsellor says, ""We should begin with something you both have in common."" So the man says, ""Well, we both hate giving blow jobs.""" +33232,4,A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I soon realised toucan play at that game +33233,2,"If you spell Breaking Bad backwards, you will get ""Dab Gnikaerb"" Which still makes more sense than Game of thrones\\` entire season 8" +33234,2,I feel sorry for homophobic people Imagine being scared of your own home +33235,1,"A science teacher asked his class ""Would you like to hear a Chemistry joke?"" They said ""Na""" +33236,1,I decided to test and see what would happen if I got my friend to punch me in the face... The results were staggering. +33237,0,I heard Corbyn is trying to sell trump a red wall today. Some assembly required +33238,0,Why did Adele cross the road ? To say hello from the other side .. +33239,0,Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because his uncle molested him +33240,0,The similarity between a drug dealer and a prostitute Both will give you blow for cash +33241,2,How do you stop black kids bouncing on their beds? Velcro the ceiling +33242,3,What do mentally retarded parents give their kids? Hand me Downs. +33243,3,"Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ""You're next."" They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals." +33244,2,"What did the job interviewer say to the urologist after his successful job interview? Urine, doctor." +33245,0,"Daddy can i have a skateboard?? A little girl asks her dad if she can have a skateboard. The dad tells her he'll do it only if she gives him a blowjob. While giving him a blowjob she stops and says ""Why does your dick taste like poop?!"" And the dad says ""your brother wanted a bike""" +33246,3,What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano? The synth lord +33247,1,"Are my testicles black? ""NSFW"" ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. ""Nurse,"" he mumbles from behind the mask, ""Are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."" He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."" The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: ""Are- My - Test - Results - Back?""" +33248,0,I can confirm that Donald Trump has a high IQ. I sold it to him. +33249,4,"AI Doctor. Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor. The receptionist says ""it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"" The guy things ""weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine. A minute later a message appears. 'You have a small fracture in your right ulna. Place your arm in the machine and it will be provided with a cast. Take the medication provided and come back in two weeks. Please provide a urine sample and be more careful in future' The guy thinks that's a bit rude but complies. Two weeks later, another urine sample. 'Your arm is healing, but you have missed two medications. Please comply to stop wasting valuable medical resources. Come back in two weeks and provide a urine sample.' The guy is fed up with this uppity machine. So two weeks later he gets his wife to provide a urine sample. Then jacks off into it for good measure. The message read. Your wife is pregnant. The father is your friend Rick. And stop masturbating or that arm will never get better." +33250,0,Kanye West walks into a bar. But he is as broke as this joke so he goes thirsty. +33251,1,Mhz means one million periods per second. That sounds like it megahertz. +33252,5,Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party... You'll get the cold shoulder +33253,0,"Roses are red joke Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like, you belong in a zoo, but don't worry, I'll be there too, not in a cage, but laughing at you. Sorry, I can't do formatting and this is my first post in this subreddit, so I'm sorry if I did something wrong" +33254,1,Who did the studio hire to play the scientist behind CRISPR? Gene Hackman +33255,3,How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book +33256,0,"sex is just like putting money in a bank... ...once yah take it out, the interest is all gone. someone told me a joke that reminded me of this one from several years back. it was said by dolomite on a 2 live crew album, 'back at yo ass for 94.' curious. i dont think so, but does this qualify as nsfw? edit: p.s. here's the song (and video) that follows the joke. it's explicit, as expected from this group. fun, energetic beat at the least : )" +33257,1,"I went to the store to buy butter, but grabbed a substitute by mistake. I guess you could say I have a margarine of error." +33258,4,The Dentist Just learned that a dentist in the next complex where I stay was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him for over ten years. Never knew he was a dentist... +33259,0,What do you call a Spanish sheep with two legs? Gracias. +33260,2,"I ordered a Chinese takeaway... I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving, - WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!" +33261,0,What did they call Jesus after He died on the cross? Xavier +33262,0,How do you name a non-binary coffee found on Google? a Google TRANS-LATTE +33263,5,"Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time." +33264,1,A blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are stuck on an island... One day a Blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are stuck on an island. All of a sudden a magic Genie comes to them and will grant them one wish to get off the island. The Brunette jumps up and says I wanna go first! so she jumps up and screams airplane and she turns into an airplane and flies away. The Redhead jumps of the island and says BIRD! and she turns into a bird and flies away. The Blonde jumps of the cliff looks down and becomes super scared and screams SHIT! +33265,0,What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person? Would you pull that crap with a net? +33266,2,What do you call shooting someone on Halloween? Trigger treating +33267,2,What do you call a fat fortune teller? A four-chin teller. +33268,1,How would you rename the Incredibles movie if everyone in the movie was a pen? The Inkredibles +33269,3,"What do you call a Jewish alchemist? A Hebrew. EDIT: I came up with this myself. If this is a repost, it was purely coincidental." +33270,4,I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made. That shit goes on Etsy +33271,0,What do you call hospital wards for intellectually gifted children? Encyclo-pedia wards +33272,0,What do you get when you cross a cow and a snake? A moose. +33273,4,What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? The Spanish Inquisition. +33274,4,"A Mexican magician once counted... Uno, dos and vanished without a tres." +33275,1,"A couple are lying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and begins to kiss her and stroke her skin. ""Oh honey I can't tonight,"" the wife apologizes ""I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow."" The man turns over a sulks for awhile. Suddenly the man turns over and asks ""Honey you don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow do you?""" +33276,0,Two flies on a pile of poop 1st fly: *Farts loudly 2nd fly: Bill! Do you mind!?! I'm Eating! +33277,1,Here's a joke for binary lovers! 01011001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01101111 01100011 01101001 01100001 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101 00101100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01100001 01110101 01110011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110101 01110000 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 00110010 00110000 00100000 01101101 01101001 01101110 01110101 01110100 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00101110 +33278,2,Never date a girl named Autumn because she'll leave you. +33279,0,"What's the best way to kill your Mother-in-law? ""No idea, your Honor"". " +33280,1,I just got early access to the new Injustice: Mods among us. +33281,1,What do you call a Nintendo character that looks like a minion? Despicable Mii +33282,0,"What did the spaghetti say when it was turned into a frog? ""What saucery is this!!?!?!??""" +33283,0,"Man and wife go golfing. A man and his wife go to the first tee. The man stops at his tee box and his wife walks up to the forward tee box. The man proceeds to tee off and his ball strikes his wife in the head and kills her instantly. Later, after the autopsy, the coroner says to the husband ""yup the golf ball to the head is what killed your wife. But what I don't understand is how a golf ball ended up in her rectum"" The husband replies: ""So that's where my provisional went""" +33284,0,Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine! +33285,1,"I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”... But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos." +33286,1,"Hearing Aid My neighbor just told me, ""I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."" ""Really,"" . ""What kind is it?"" ""Twelve thirty""" +33287,3,"A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests... A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, ""I'm Jesus Christ."" The first priest says, ""No, son, you're not."" So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, ""No, son, you're not."" The drunk says, ""Look, I can prove it."" He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ""Jesus Christ, you're here again?""" +33288,0,If I had A Dollar for every gender Id Have 2 Dollars +33289,0,"Did anyone notice that they are hiding Jan the Toyota woman's pregnancy on TV? My guess is the Father is the Finance Manager, because he fucks everyone." +33290,2,"Pavlov hears a bell ring... He says, ""Aw! I forgot to feed the dogs again!""" +33291,0,"Trick Daddy asked Trina for Persian bread, so she brought him some pita. He said, ""Girl you don't know naan""" +33292,7,A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!” His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching. The man responds: “Our wedding tape” +33293,3,You can tell what what gender an ant is by putting it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats: boy ant. +33294,9,"My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute" +33295,2,When does a sandwich cook? When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato. +33296,0,"- Honey, don't freak out, I'm calling you from the jail -Since you're a cop, you're everyday more stupid." +33297,0,"What do hamsters and cigarettes *NOT* have in common? One is introduced to a flame and an orifice, the other is introduced to a flamer's orifice." +33298,1,Why are swimmers good at soccer? Because they dive a lot. +33299,0,"2 beavers 1 boy A boy walks in on his mom taking a shower and notices her pussy. He asks his mom what that was. She says ""that's my beaver"", so the boy nodded and walked away. The next night he was at his grandparents house. The boy walks in on his grandma taking a shower and asks his grandma ""what's that?"". The grandma replied ""that's my beaver"", so the boy nodded and left. When the boy returned home he approached his mom and said "" mom I think grandma's beaver is dead because it's tongue is sticking out.""" +33300,5,Why is it called boob sweat But not humiditties +33301,2,The entire plot of spiderman A teenage boy finds out he can shoot white stuff out his body +33302,1,"A shabby looking Nun walks into a bar... The barman takes one look at her, pulls out a shotgun and gives her both in the chest... Aghast, I protest ""Christ!? What the Hell'dya do that for?!"" With a look of regret he turns to me and whispers ""...bad habit.""" +33303,1,"The first verse of Mariah Carey's 'Christmas' is a diss. ""I don't want a lot for Christmas"" ... ""All I want for Christmas Is you""" +33304,0,Who is the fastest singer in the universe? Beyond c +33305,0,"New Barbies Mattel announced record 2nd quarter earnings after a huge boost in sales from Barbie’s that look more like “real” woman……. In other news, investors are baffled as shares in Plastiff, Inc. have skyrocketed. The Montana based company, who manufactures tiny plastic double chins. " +33306,2,"I work in a popular hotel... I see people come in to stay from all over the world, yet for some reason I've never seen a Native American here. I guess they just don't like to make reservations. " +33307,1,"I have a buddy who's rich, a bit of a big shot... Always flaunting his wealth and expensive belongings. He actually owned two violins that were in the Guinness book of world records. To my surprise, he gave me one for my birthday. That night, we were jamming out and getting drunk. Things got a little out of hand, and he broke the most expensive violin in the world. -- As he sobbed at his loss, I just sat there playing the world's smallest violin. " +33308,0,Do you like tapes and CDs? Cuz I'm about to tape my dick to your forehead so you can CDs nuts +33309,1,Pros and Cons of making something to eat: Pro: Something to eat Con: Making +33310,2,What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours? Fake hues +33311,0,A man walks into a bar... ...it was a 10 feet aluminum beam and really painful. +33312,0,What's the main difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. +33313,2,"Why I got divorced Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, ""Happy birthday, boss!"" and I felt really special. Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: ""Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"" and i replied ''Okay!'' She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling, ""SURPRISE!!!"" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked!!! " +33314,3,"Pulled over by the cops. I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over. Officer: ""Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"" Me: ""Nope."" Officer: ""Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"" Me: ""I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the car."" Officer: ""Wait. You stole the car? From who?"" Me: ""This guy I killed. He's stuffed in the trunk."" Officer: ""Sir, wait there and don't move!"" The cop walks back to his cruiser and calls in SWAT and a negotiator. Shortly afterward the car is surrounded by the LAPD, thousands of lasers are zoning in on my chest. The Negotiator walks over to my driver side window. Negotiator: ""Sir I've been speaking to the officer who pulled you over and I've reason to believe you're driving a stolen car, without insurance and registration from a man you killed and stuffed in the trunk!"" Me: ""The lying bastard!! I bet he told you I was speeding as well?!""" +33315,2,"A plane is going down. A large commercial jet on a transatlantic flight loses an engine and is dropping altitude so fast that they're going to crash unless they can lose some weight. The pilot instructs the flight crew to inform the passengers that they are going to jettison all the checked luggage. Unfortunately after dumping it all they're still too heavy and the pilot cant pull the plane out of the dive. Once again the pilot sends the flight attendants to address the passengers, this time with instructions to gather everyones carry-on baggage so they can jettison that as well. People start giving over anything they can think of, shoes, watches, laptops, purses you name it people are handing it over, unfortunately, again, it's just not enough, the plane is still too heavy. This time the pilot comes to the cabin to address the passengers personally. ""I'm sorry folks, but it's just not enough, we're still too heavy, and we're still going down. Im afraid we're only left with one option, some of us are going to have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of everyone else. However I dont want to be biased about this in anyway so we're just going to do it in alphabetical order."" The captain looks around and sees the passengers nodding and mumbling assent ""Very well then, lets get started, would all the African Americans please come up to the front of the plane?"" Amid shocked gasps no one stands up ""Um, ok, moving on then, would all the black passengers please make your way up front"" Again no one moves, the captain visibly confused now scratches his head and continues ""Alllll right, could all the coloured people please come on up front""....again, no one stands. At the back of the plane a small black girl looks up at her mother and tugs on her sleeve ""Momma, I thought you said we were african american?"" Her mother looks down and smiles ""No honey, today we're niggers, and we're going after the mexicans!""" +33316,3,What does DNA stand for? National Dislexic Association +33317,0,"Addicted to Twitter PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I'm addicted to checking my Twitter! DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, I don't follow." +33318,3,The real reason why women don't like men under 6 feet is because it's hard to have a conversation with dead people. +33319,3,What happens when you put Nutella on salmon? You get salmonella. +33320,0,"3 Blondes are talking to each other online... The first one gasps and says ""I just got an e-mail saying I have a virus and need to send money to them to make it go away! I better do that now."" So she started digging for her credit cad while the third blonde just rolls her eyes. While the first is typing in her numbers the second blonde gasps as well ""I just got an e-mail saying I owe the IRS thousands and can forego an audit by paying money!"" She also starts looking for her credit card. The third blonde scoffs at both of them and says ""You guys are idiots! You're being scammed!"" The first and second blond pause and look at the third blond on their screen. ""How do you know?!"" the first one says. ""Yeah how would you know!"" the second reaffirms. ""Because I'm not an idiot! But I can show you how to mess with them."" the third blond replies in a cocky voice. ""Oh yeah. How's that?"" the first two blonde's ask in unison. ""Well you reply to the scammers telling them that you will give them the money. You send them all your banking information to make the payment. Then once they confirm they have it turn off your computer and they'll never get a dime!""" +33321,1,What do you call a chicken staring at a salad? Chicken sees a salad. +33322,0,"A Chinese, Indian, American, and African decides to have a party, each bringing in their own traditional food. The Chinese brings in fried rice, the Indian brings in curry, and the American brings in burgers. What does the African bring in? An empty plate." +33323,2,What did August say when June claimed that today is the last day of the month? Don't July to me! +33324,4,When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo... I had to put my foot down. +33325,5,"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says ""Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"" The pirate says ""Argh, it's driving me nuts.""" +33326,1,"If I had a dollar for every time Trump says ""Fake news!"" I'd have enough money to open a Cable News Network to publish articles about Trump and perpetually keep earning more money." +33327,0,I took a shit in a bathtub Now it’s a POOl +33328,1,What superhero team should Caitlin Jenner be in? The X-men +33329,3,"Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night. Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven. The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter. St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will prove if you have indeed taken those solemn vows, OR you three are merely imposters dressed in costume. Given you answer correctly bells will ring, a chorus will sing, and the pearly gates will open.” The nuns all studied the bible and feel confident they can answer whatever question comes their way. The first nun stepped forward. St Peter asked the nun “Who was the first man created by God?” The nun answered instantly “ADAM!” Bells rang, a chorus sang, and she walked through the pearly gates into heaven. The second nun stepped forward. Peter asked “Who was the first woman created by god?” The nun answered confidently “Eve.” Bells rang, a chorus sang, and she walked through the pearly gates into heaven. The third nun hesitant stepped forward thinking “I’m screwed. I don’t know the second or third people.” She hung her head low. Peter asked the nun “What were the first words ever spoken?” The Nun paused, she thought it over and was really stumped. Finally she said to Peter “Wow, that’s hard.” Bells rang, a chorus sang, and she walked through the pearly gates into heaven. " +33330,2,How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw +33331,2,Sometimes it's important who says a sentence. Sometimes it is very important if a sentence is said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!” +33332,0,"Yo momma is so stupid Her head is emptier than a porn subreddit when you search without checking the ""Show NSFW"" box" +33333,1,Have you seen my crustacean girlfriend? I lobster. +33334,0,Got a free burger the other day. Thanks Mexico! +33335,0,Do you know whats really odd? Any number not divisible by 2. Haha +33336,1,"Penguin Holiday A penguin is on a driving holiday. His car isn't running to well so he pulls into a mechanics garage to get it checked out. Mechanic says if the penguin comes back in an hour or so, he'll be able to tell him whats wrong. Penguin figures he'll take the time to get something to eat. Just over an hour passes and the penguin returns. As he enters the garage the mechanic looks at him and says ""looks like you've blown a seal"". ""Fuck off"" replies the penguin. ""I just finished an ice cream"". " +33337,5,A Father from Iraq gave his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied Thanks for the Baghdad +33338,2,"Gentleman Lady patient says to Doctor inside his examination room, Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable. Doctor - trust me lady, I am a gentleman. Lady patient - no that's not the issue. Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is not a gentleman. " +33339,5,"A Dog Named Sex. Everybody who has a dog calls him ""Rover"" or ""Boy."" I call mine ""Sex."" He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, ""I'd like one too!"" Then, I said, ""But this is a dog."" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, ""You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."" He winked and said, ""You must have been quite a kid."" When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, ""You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."" I said, ""Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."" The clerk said, ""Funny -- I have the same problem."" One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. ""But you don't understand,"" I said, ""I had hoped to have Sex on TV."" He said, ""Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."" When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ""Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."" The judge said, ""The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."" Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, ""Me too."" Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, ""What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. " +33340,10,"A wife came home early and... One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”" +33341,0,How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Well one to screw in the bulb and other to holds the cock... father! LADDER! +33342,1,It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design... It sure is a wedge issue! +33343,0,You wont belive what dangers are in the sea! Number #7 will shock you! +33344,1,What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? The US can't milk a cow for 17 years straight. +33345,8,"A woman once gave birth to 100 children To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age. 90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names. But their names don't matter. One day, the daughter and the son came across a small puppy they found left alone in an alley near their house. They brought it back into their home and fed it, took care of it, and nursed it back to health. But they knew that their mother, 90, wouldn't dare let them keep a dog in their home, so they decided to hide it. In order to continue successfully keeping their dog a secret, they named the dog ""This."" During conversations about the dog which took place in front of their mother, the daughter and the son would refer to their puppy as ""This,"" so as to avoid any suspicion at all. It worked for a while, but unfortunately a few years later, their secret dog, name of This, died. And so it goes... *...only 90's kids will remember This.*" +33346,0,"I’m a septic tank cleaner. It’s a shitty job, but someone needs to do it." +33347,0,Deez nuts hah goteem +33348,0,NASA is allowing tourists to see ISIS in space Well it's a great initiative to throw those terrorists in the final frontier but do we really need to sell tickets to the show. +33349,1,Hear about the guy to started a diving school? It went under +33350,2,My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century. It was a period piece +33351,3,Why did the blind man trip and drown? He didn't see that well +33352,4,"The dentist said, ""You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay... ..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."" I said, ""Wow, those sound like car payments."" ""They are.""" +33353,0,"Wanna know how to turn an old British dude into a psychic? Just walk up and go: ""That's what she said!"" Old British guy: ""Oh, come now!""" +33354,5,"A farmer counted 196 cows in the field But when he rounded them up, he had 200" +33355,0,"I asked my wife if her face hurt... She replied, ""No"" I replied, ""That's strange.. Because it's killing me"" I prefer sleeping on the sofa anyway" +33356,1,"Hey girl, is your number 911? ...because im gonna keep calling you until the police arrest me." +33357,2,"One big happy family. My wife and I got married last summer, we were together since we were teens, she was the only person that wanted to be with me, and she was the only one I wanted to be with, other than my best friend ofcource , he’s the only other one I’d spend my time with, and it helped that my friend and my then girlfriend ( now wife ) got along very well, in fact she hung out with me because she thought my friend was cute initially ( that’s what she said ( no pun intended, or detected ( parenthesis inception ) ) ) Today, I came home early from a business trip, I did not tell my wife about it, I wanted it to be a secret, I did not tell anyone about it. I wanted to surprise her, I wanted her to know that I cared about her and that I will and will always be there for her … the thing is my wife had nightmares about me being unalive and that she’d be a widow and the only person by her side at my funeral was my friend. I decided go to my best friends house, which a stones throw away from mine first, because I had the strangest gut feeling that he would be with my wife that night… Don’t get me wrong I love them both and I love the fact that they get along, but I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head, and when I went over to his … empty house, I had a moment of clarity. I was not mad, I was not angry, I was not enraged, in fact, it was all a seiner blob of thought. All those times when he’d as us to have dinner together and I’d be the only one who’d say “no”, all those time my wife said he was a cute… At this moment, I felt … happy . I was glad , I couldn’t believe myself. I was glad that my best friend cared this deeply about my wife, and I was glad that my wife loved my best friend this much, I was incredebally happy !! I could now surprise them together in my own bed room !! As I unlocked my house doors, I was careful not to make a sound and wake them up, and as I walked closer to my bed room, I saw two plates in the dining area, and I opened my bed room door as slowly as I could. I was correct … My best friend was sleeping in the warm embrace of my wife, and it was so … cute, but as I took another step, the floor board creaked and my friend who had a keen ear looked around and saw me. For a moment he did not know what to do, but the very next he jolted towards me; and in the process woke my wife up. When he got close enough, he put his hands on my chest and stared kissing my all over my face, and my wife looked sheepishly at us and fell onto the bed cheekily whilst opening her arms for a hug and said “ I missed you ... “. I kissed my friend and went over to my wife and said, “ You know, I knew that you’d be with him, and I love the both of you for that”, while hugging her. My best friend joined in on the hug and I decided at that moment that he’d move in with us and would have dinner with us every night. He was now **our** best friend and the good-est boy we have ever known. We were one big happy family... tl;dr: The devil is in the detail. " +33358,3,"A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives... The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday. The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion. ""I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What did you get your wife?"" The poor man replies ""Oh, I don't have that kind of money. I just got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo, so if she doesn't like the flip flops I'll tell her to go fuck herself."" Fin " +33359,0,"WORST. ROOMMATE. EVER! I once had this roommate. One of those people you meet at a bar and invite to move in just because someone else had moved out on short notice. Because it's always a good idea to make major decisions like that while thoroughly hammered. Anyway, this guy moves in soon enough we discover him nodding out on the living room couch with a needle stuck in his arm. The rest of us were like, _that man's on drugs!_ Then his eyes popped wide open and he said, 'who has drugs?' He was a popular guy though. People would ring the bell. Stop by and say hi. Go up to his room, hang for a bit. Then move on out. To do their thing. Whatever that thing might be. Which seemed pretty nice, until one day we realized there was a line going all they way around the block straight to our front door. They all just wanted to say hi? But then we found out the worst of the worst. It turned out he had a fetish for kitten porn. At first we were like, what - girls who dress up as cats? Meow! No. He liked to masturbate to videos of kittens being squished under the stilettos heels of well dressed asian women. This freaked the entire household the fuck out. I mean, who likes creepy shit like that? So one day we rented another place, packed up everything, and waited until he was all skeezed up with a needle in his arm and nodding out on the couch. Then quietly sneaked all our shit out and moved away, leaving him with an empty house. When we all arrived in our new pad, we gave each other high fives. Hah, we got rid of that weird dude! And then we realized... wait. The lease on that house is in our names. We are sooooo fucked! We rushed back and he'd already changed the locks. WORST. ROOMMATE. EVER!" +33360,2,"Apple that tastes like a banana An inventor goes to the Patents Office to demonstrate his new invention. ""It's an apple that tastes like a banana,"" he explains. ""Try it!"" The official bites into the apple. ""My god!"" he exclaims, ""that's brilliant. It tastes just like a banana!"" ""Turn it round,"" says the inventor. So the official turns the apple around and takes a bite from the other side. ""Wow!"" the official says, ""it tastes just like an orange!"" ""Glad you like it,"" says the inventor. ""Like it? I love it!"" says the official.""But you know what would be really good? An apple that tastes like pussy. If you can do that, you'll sell millions!"" So the inventor takes the idea away with him. Several months pass, and one day the inventor returns to the Patents Office. ""I've done it!"" he says, ""here it is. An apple that tastes like pussy. Try it!"" The official takes a bite, and immediately spits it out. ""That tastes like fucking shit!"" he says. ""Turn it round!"" says the inventor." +33361,1,Bought a new boomerang today Having trouble throwing my old one away +33362,0,I Love How Music Sounds on Apple Airpods From ten feet away on my uptown 4 train. +33363,1,"When the sales guy at the pharmacy told me that they had unfortunately run out of tea sweeteners I politely pointed to the homeopathic medicines aisle and said ""No you have not.""" +33364,4,So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me: What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone? You skip them both. +33365,1,I named my horse mayo Mayo neighs +33366,1,A raconteur walked into a bar theres more to life then meets the eye +33367,1,No matter how kind you are.... German children are Kinder. +33368,2,What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man’s life? Duet? +33369,1,"Lost Elephants Zoo Keeper:""I've lost one of my elephants"" Other Zoo Keeper:""Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"" Zoo Keeper:""Don't be silly, he can't read!""" +33370,1,"I'm a clueless drinker. I only drink on days that end with ""why"". " +33371,5,"If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving, If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving. This has nothing to do with politics. I just really want to travel." +33372,1,Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy. +33373,1,Its tiring being a pirate I'm on my last leg +33374,2,What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend? Oral-B +33375,0,How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking... JK Rowling +33376,5,"I'll never forget my uncle's last words. ""Quit shaking the ladder you little cunt!""" +33377,0,"What do you call a coffee making lawyer, who works all year other than the April holidays? A Barista barrister bar Easter" +33378,2,"A crab walks into a bar... The Barman says ""I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways""." +33379,0,Have you tried the new cider? Made by Dicken’s. +33380,2,"My car horn hasn't worked for a long time. Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, ""Beep repaired!""" +33381,1,How do you get a tissue to dance... Put a little boogie in it. +33382,2,"What do you say to a vegan on the first date? Stop crying, I'm trying to eat." +33383,4,France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time They won something in Russia. +33384,0,When was beer discovered? Back in the good old sumer time... +33385,0,"Two trolling thieves stole my TV remote the other day... Now they just pass and change the channels, those bas****s" +33386,1,My Friend Told A Titanic Joke It was ice cold. +33387,5,"George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1. Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard. So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne. “Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush. “I believe in education and free trade,” was the reply. “Excellent. Take a seat here on my right,” God said. “Now tell me, Mr. Obama, what do you believe in?” God asked. “I believe in equal rights for all and universal healthcare,” Obama replied. “Very good. Take a seat to my left,” God instructed. “And Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?” God queried. “I believe you are sitting in my seat,” Trump shot back." +33388,0,"After scoring shockingly low in coffee preference polls, Dunkin Donuts changed its slogan: America sleeps on Dunkin" +33389,0,Why can't you fool an abortion? It wasn't born yesterday! +33390,10,"Your mom is so fat Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum " +33391,1,What pants are the safest. Jeans. They require a 2 step verification process to pee. +33392,0,What do you say when you meet a steak Nice to meat you Sir Loin +33393,2,What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto. +33394,2,What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall. +33395,4,A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon. +33396,0,"How do you know there's a Bernie Sanders fan at your door? Hillary Clinton knocked four minutes ago, but come on guys, no one expected Bernie to come second by so close!! This is a win for him!!! Now's not the time to give up hope!!!! We have to keep fighting!!!!!! Don't get discouraged!!!!!!! Political revolution isn't going to be easy!!!!!!!! I'm donating $4:00 to Bernie's campaign!!!!!!!! Match me, bro!!!!!!!!!" +33397,1,I can just about tolerate pens... ...but I have to say I draw a line with pencils. +33398,1,now to begin 2019 with 2018 funniest joke Donald Trump +33399,1,"The only difference in me when I am on a diet is I used to say I ate pizza, Now I say I accidentally ate pizza." +33400,1,"Old Man’s Stories The First One Said: “My Hands Shake So Bad That Today I Shaved And I Cut My Face!” Second Old Man. “My Hands Shake So Bad That When I Trimmed My Garden Yesterday I Sliced All My Flowers!” The Third Old Man Laughed And Said: “That’s Nothing Friends. My Hands Shake So Bad That When I Took A Piss Yesterday, I Came Two Times.“" +33401,2,As I looked at myself naked in the mirror I thought to myself... I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea in a minute. +33402,5,I saw a chameleon today... So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon. +33403,1,What is one charity that has a higher death rate than PETA? Make a wish foundation +33404,1,If you were born in 2000 and get laid on New Year's day 2020 It'll be your first score. +33405,3,"A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “OK, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?“ “Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year.“" +33406,1,"Do you want to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy." +33407,0,"How can you tell if Asians are good at sex ? Because out of 6 randomly chosen people, 3 will be Asians." +33408,1,BLOND DOG Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? A: He's been chasing parked cars. +33409,6,My wife told me vacation sex was the best... Worst postcard ever. +33410,3,Why are ISIS inflatable mattresses the best? They blow themselves up. +33411,0,"holidaying to the Great Wall I can't wait for my holiday to America, once it is built!" +33412,6,"A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. Game warden: ""You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"" ""But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket."" ""Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."" The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: ""So where are the fish?"" Fisherman: ""What fish?""" +33413,5,Three conspiracy theorist walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's a coincidence. +33414,0,"I went to subway and ordered a sandwich... It was of average quality, I'd call it *Subpar*." +33415,0,What do batman and Leonard Cohen have in common? They can't keep track of each fallen robin. +33416,1,"A saxophone player, a horny old man and a Southerner walk into a bar The bartender says,""Hey Mr. Clinton! Whaddya like?""" +33417,5,"I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away. Au revoir, amigo. " +33418,0,PIVOT! +33419,2,Who's your favorite underground rapper? Mine personally is XXXTENTACION +33420,0,"I lost my shit at work today. I mean, it was here before I pushed the lever on the toilet. God knows where it is now." +33421,0,Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a PRIME number +33422,4,"A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, ""Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."" ""Yeah,"" she replied, ""Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."" ""I know,"" the old man said, ""We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."" ""Well,"" Granny snickered, ""What do you say...should we get naked?"" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. ""You know, honey,"" the little old lady breathlessly replied, ""My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."" ""I wouldn't be surprised,"" replied Gramps. ""One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal! " +33423,5,"How do you make ""Holy water""? You take some normal water and boil ""the hell"" out of it..." +33424,3,What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. +33425,0,I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags... He's bisatchel. +33426,1,"As a man drives on the hiwhway he hears some emergency news on the radio ""There is a maniac on the highway driving on the opposite direction. Be very careful"" the radio says. To which the man responds ""Just one? Don't they see?? All them are driving in the wrong direction""." +33427,0,"I was getting on well with this girl I met at the train station today. In fact, we were getting on so well, I slid my finger up and down her G string and whispered softly in her ear, ""Tell me what you want me to do, beautiful."" ""I want you to give me my fucking guitar back."" She shouted. Buskers are bloody hard work. " +33428,0,I went to an Indian restaurant to search for flatbread made in a tandoor. There was naan to be found. +33429,2,What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff +33430,4,"Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers." +33431,6,"A few guys are drinking at a bar. A few guys are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy walks in, staggers up to them, and then points to one of them, shouting ""Your mom's the best sex in town!"" Everyone is expecting a fight, but the guy he pointed at ignores him, so the drunk leaves and goes to the other side of the bar. Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and says, ""I just did your mom, and man, was it hot!"" The guy again refuses to fight, so the drunk wanders off again. Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and announces, ""Your mom liked it!"" Finally, the guy responds. ""Go home Dad, you're drunk.""" +33432,5,All three of my uncles used to grow weed together It was a joint effort. +33433,0,What does the fish say when he gets a girlfriend? Flounder. +33434,0,Someone asked me what the weather was like in the Middle East... I said it's going to be Sunni or Shiite. +33435,1,Lost my mood ring. Not sure how I feel about that. +33436,2,"What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? ""Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!""" +33437,0,What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair (credit to my physics teacher's wife) +33438,4,"Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, _""We don't serve bacteria here.""_ And the bacteria says, _""But we work here. We're staph.""_" +33439,1,If the Oval Office could be seen in VR Jeb Bush might just fulfill his dream. +33440,2,The internet is like a choose your own adventure game Where every adventure ultimately ends with me masturbating +33441,0,People call me omniscient Because that's my name... +33442,1,How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract. +33443,2,I have a step ladder I never met my real ladder. +33444,0,Psychotic business man arrested in the shopping district The police report states that he mad a killing in the market +33445,6,"A Roman walks into a bar ... A Roman walks into a bar, says ""I'd like a martinus."" The bartender asks, ""you mean martini?"" ""No, just one.""" +33446,5,Why are abortion clinics like a trip to Chuck E Cheese? It brings out the kid in you +33447,1,What was Bin Laden's favourite brand? Jihadidas. +33448,0,I kneed a knee pun Title says it all: any knee puns to go on a joke t-shirt for someone recovering post-acl surgery? Thanks! +33449,0,Why does Mary get high? Because *Mary wanna*. +33450,9,"German Dream We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, ""We did but no-one liked it.""" +33451,4,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk." +33452,4,"Three women in a bar So, there were three women sitting in a bar and were have a grand old chat. A man was sitting not too far away and was quite intrigued by their accent and couldn't quite place it. He walks up to them and says ""Excuse me ladies, are you women from England"". One of the ladies seemed quite disgusted by the question and responds ""Excuse me asshole but it's Wales"". The man responds, ""I apologize but are you three whales from England""" +33453,3,What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi +33454,1,"Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim? One blows up kids, the other gets blown by them." +33455,2,Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas? A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue +33456,0,I ate half of a Chicken leg all at once And rest in pieces +33457,1,Have you ever heard the joke about the grandpa? It's a pretty old one. +33458,0,"Back in the days when I was at school, my parents always asked me what I did. I always said... *nothing.*" +33459,0,"What do communism and a essay writer who plays no sport have in common? They work on paper, but not in practice. " +33460,1,"The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was... tense." +33461,0,Why does Trump want to shut down Taco Bell? He thinks it's the Mexican phone company. +33462,1,Why is Perl Jam's new lead singer fat free? They couldn't find a Butter Man! +33463,0,"What did the miser scream as he fell from his roof and watched his wife making dinner on the way down? . . . . ""Don't make dinner for me tonight!""" +33464,2,What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut? The coconut +33465,3,"My grandmother always says, ""live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."" She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this." +33466,2,When I grow up I want to be a hitman I hear they make a killing +33467,2,My wife told me she had to dump her ex boyfriend to get married to me. They haven't found the body yet. +33468,0,"FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching." +33469,4,"A man gets into an accident on his motorcycle A man is riding his Harley at night. He suddenly swerves to avoid hitting a deer, loses control and lands in a ditch, severely banging his head. Dazed and confused, he crawls out of the ditch to the edge of the road, when a shiny new convertible pulls up. A very beautiful woman calls from the car, ""Are you okay?"" He notices she is wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. ""I'm okay I think,"" he replies as he gets to his feet. The woman opens a car door and says, ""Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."" ""That's nice of you,"" he answers, ""but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"" ""Oh, come now, I'm a nurse,"" she insists. ""I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."" Well, she is very pretty and very persuasive and he's rather shaken and weak. He agrees, but mutters as he gets in the car, ""I'm sure my wife won't like this."" She drives them to her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, they're sitting together on the couch. He rises unsteadily to his feet and says, ""I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."" ""Don't be silly!"" she says with a smile, and unbuttons her blouse to expose the most magnificent set of breasts he's ever seen. ""Stay for a while. She won't know. After all, where is she now?"" ""Oh,"" the man says, ""still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.""" +33470,1,"Two guys are cutting down trees Two guys are cutting down trees. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: ""How many trees did you cut down?"" His friend says: ""Around 20."" He can't believe so he asks: ""How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"" ""Well, it's nothing special. You take a chainsaw, turn it on and start cutting."" ""Wait! You turn it on?!""" +33471,5,"The Magician and the Captains Parrot. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'" +33472,7,Damn girl are you a smoke alarm? Because you're really fucking loud and annoying. +33473,3,I hate when my friends say they don’t have enough money to go out. It’s a poor excuse. +33474,1,"Does a snowman have a heart? Nope, just big balls" +33475,1,My mate keeps having sex with Nuns. I did warn him not to get in the habit. +33476,0,what did homer Simpson say when he was mad dough..... +33477,1,"Kids' joke- What do you call a cut on a T-Rex's foot? A Dino Sore. I made this joke up in response to my niece's own joke of: ""What do you call a pregnant dinosaur? A Preg-osaurous."" Like Stegosaurus... pretty smart. " +33478,2,What do you call it when sodium touches chlorine? A salt +33479,2,To the person who stole my shoes at the McDonald's playplace: Please grow up. +33480,2,My girlfriend told me to stop leaving the seat up. So I did. Now she's mad that there is urine on the toilet seat. I know this has probably been done a million times... +33481,0,How do the oceans communicate? They wave at each other +33482,1,After 3 years I finally finished my first novel. I enjoyed it so much I might read another one. +33483,0,"I like my women like my stereo system Nice pair of tweeters, a solid mid, and a fat bottom end." +33484,2,"One day, a rabbit went to the bookstore. Rabbit: ""Do you sell carrots?"" Shopkeeper: ""No."" The next day, the rabbit went to the bookstore again. Rabbit: ""Do you sell carrots?"" Shopkeeper: ""No."" Day 3- the rabbit went again! Rabbit: ""Do you sell carrots?"" Shopkeeper: ""NO! Come again and I'll get a pair of scissors and chop your ears off."" The Rabbit, frightened, fled in the blink of an eye. Day 4, the rabbit went again. Rabbit: ""Do you sell scissors?"" Shopkeeper: ""Unfortunately no :/"" Rabbit: ""So.... do you sell carrots?"" " +33485,0,"[NSFW] What do old ladies taste like, anyway? Depends!" +33486,1,I love my recliner. We go way back. +33487,2,"My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she'd like to get a manatee. I just laughed and said, ""Two sugars, please.""" +33488,0,"Joke of the Day Hey, dad.. why is it so many actors go into politics? .... dad reply ... its basically the same job, but they don't have to wait six months for them royalties." +33489,2,"What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells." +33490,6,I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen... I can feel it. +33491,0,"Have you seen the movie ""Constipation"" yet? Never mind, it hasn't come out yet." +33492,0,Why don't gay people parade around after September 21st? Because PRIDE comes BEFORE the FALL! +33493,0,I was invited to a party full of muslims I had a blast! +33494,3,"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive. The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter. The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died. The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She'd taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive." +33495,4,"For as long as anyone could remember ... this indian chief was in charge of naming all the children that were born in the tribe. One day, this one brave comes up to him and says "" Chief, how do you name these children? How do you think of their names ?"" The chief says ""Very simple, when a child is born and i see snow gently falling, i say you should be called *SNOW GENTLY FALLING and when a child is born and i see a hawk flying over, i say you should be called *HAWK FLYING OVER, but tell me *TWO DOGS FUCKING why are you so interested?"" -Silkwood 1983 " +33496,0,Jokes about china aren't funny \\* \\* \\* \\* \\* \\*\\*made in china\\*\\* +33497,1,"Confessions of a Store Santa While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?” He promptly replied, “Another train.”" +33498,2,What do you call Mass Confusion Fathers Day in Detroit +33499,4,"Applying cream I went back to see my doctor today. I said, ""I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."" ""Where exactly did you apply it?"" he asked. I replied ""on the bus.""" +33500,8,How do all black jokes begin? With a look over your shoulder. +33501,7,"Puzzled Girlfriend A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea. Then he says with a deep sigh, 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'" +33502,2,What was the cow who was knighted called? Sirloin +33503,1,"Hitler's dad wrote a sitcom after the war.... He called it ""3rd Reich from the Son""" +33504,0,"I walked past a restaurant the other day and saw a guy eating a plate of tortilla chips loaded with chilli, cheese and guacamole I was seized with an inexplicable rage, ran in there and threw his plate on the floor. Baffled and in no small part frightened by my actions, I sought the advice of my doctor. ​ Several tests later I found out the source of my problem: turns out I'm nachos intolerant." +33505,0,"Need help starting a George Michael cult. Let's talk about sects, baby." +33506,0,"The first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of spring is April 1. Man, Easter is a joke this year..." +33507,2,What is every gamers New Years Resolution? 3840x2160 +33508,1,Big Oof How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from. +33509,0,"If someone steals all of your clothing in a public bath, you take a towel and... You wrap it around your face and take a nice slow walk home " +33510,3,"Irishman and the fire Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame. They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake. ""What happened! How did the fire start?!"" they ask him. ""How should I know?"" says the Irishman. ""It was already on fire when I went in..""" +33511,1,What do infantile criminals fear the most? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. +33512,0,Life is like clash of clans The first 18 years are a tutorial and then after that it is pay to win +33513,0,What do you call the useless flap of skin around a vagina? A woman. +33514,0,What is Goku’s cellular carrier of choice? SaiyanT&T +33515,1,"You have two cows.. USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with. Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so you actually have none. Ukraine: You have two cows. One of them feeds on American grass, the other feeds on Russian grass. North Korea: You have two cows. Its name is Kim Jong Un. France: You have two cows. You kill them, throw away everything except the filet mignon, and make cheese with the leftover Pasteurized milk. Syria: You have two cows. They have been fighting for as long as you remember, but it is hard to remember anyway, because you are in Sweden. Sweden: You have two cows. You offer them to the government, who gives everybody milk. UK: You have two cows. After a lengthy court battle, the bovines hold a referendum and are separated. Turkey: You have two cows. One of them gets arrested on charges of directing his methane at Erdogan's palace at the behest of the parallel state. Nigeria: You have two cows. You convince an old American woman to invest in them, but pocket the money and run. Japan: You have two cows. They are replaced by two 3d hologram cows and put in a zoo. Italy: You have two cows. The northern one produces all the milk. The southern one sleeps all day. Brazil: You have two cows. But not for long, because one shoots the other dead. Thailand: You have two cows. One of them was born a bull. Vatican City: You have two cows. They were both taken advantage of as calves. Kazakhstan: You have two cows. They are both better cows than cows from Uzbekistan, who have bones in their brain. Uzbekistan: You have two cows. They are probably less bored than you. Saudi Arabia: You have two cows. Because they are not allowed to be around bulls. Switzerland: You have two cows. Neither belong to you. South Africa: You have two cows. The one with more white patches has more privileges. Iran: You have two cows. When the US finds out, they impose sanctions on you on charges of running an illicit methane-powered missile program. Canada: You have two cows. But who cares about beef when you've got Poutine. Jamaica: You have two cows. They win 25 gold medals at the Bovine Olympics. Australia: You have two cows. Upon further inspection, you realize that one is a koala, the other a kangaroo. Israel: You have two cows. You expand their farmland every year. Iceland: You have two cows. They freeze to death. Greenland: You have two cows. They are in for a surprise. Finland: You have two cows. They are more likely than your entire country to commit a crime. Denmark: You have two cows. They have more rights than you. Alaska: You have two cows. Their combined IQ is higher than that of your most popular governor. Cote d'Ivoire: You have two cows. You rename your country Cote Leathoir. Zimbabwe: You have two cows. They both vote for Mugabe. Botswana: You have two cows. But that's not surprising because you have pretty much every type of non-extinct mammal in your country. China: You have two cows. You post their pics all over social media, then sell people fake milk. Germany: You have two cows. One lives in Deutchsland, the other lives in Germany. You still can't tell them apart. El Salvador: You have two cows. They are less likely to get cut open than you. Chad: You have two cows. They will probably outlive you. Qatar: You have two cows. They each have a maid. Kuwait: You have two cows. They each have a diamond-studded mercedes-benz. Nauru: You have two cows. They probably weigh less than you. Sudan: You have two cows. The southern one ran away because it contains more beef. Yugoslavia: You have two cows. They die right after giving birth to 20 new cows. Papua New Guinea: You have two cows. One eats the other. India: You have two cows. You create a new country to banish all your people who might eat them. USSR: You have two cows. But you wish this was not the case, because in Soviet Russia, cow milk you. Bonus: Southern USA: You have two cows. Their milkshake brings all the bulls to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours; they can teach you, though there is a charge; but if you upvote, then you won't be charged! " +33516,4,Two farmers meet in the middle of a field One farmer says to the other “what are you doin with that chicken wire” He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken” “You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load of chickens Several days later the farmer showed up with a bull frog “What are you doin with a bull frog?” “Well I’m gonna go to town and get me a bull!” “You can’t get no bull with a bullfrog” And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a full sized bull Several days pass and the farmers meet again “What do ya got today” says the farmer “I got me some pussywillows” “Hold on” says the other farmer “Let me get my coat” +33517,2,"Two logicians are having a talk L0: “Hey! Have I got news for you!” L1: ”Oh yeah? What is it?” L0: “I’m gonna be a dad!” L1: “Wow! That’s terrific news! So, is it going to be a girl or a boy? L0: “Yes!” Badum tss!" +33518,1,"A Banker, a Fox News fan and a welfare recipient are at a table sharing 12 cookies... The banker takes 11 cookies and says to the Fox News fan: ""Watch out for the welfare guy, he wants your cookie!""." +33519,2,The guy that fixes my car is a Scottish Canadian He’s a McCanuck +33520,1,"Donald trump decides to paint the Whitehouse He gets a quote from a Chinese company for $3 million pounds, a German company for $6 million and an Irish company for $10 million The Chinese company charged 1 million for paint , 1 million for labour and 1 million profit. The Germany company charged 2 million for paint, 2 million for labour and 2 million in profit. The Irish company charged four million profit, 3 million for trump and 3 million to get the Chinese to do the painting. Guess who got the job " +33521,0,"Smoking pot and taking a shit are basically the same thing. Doing it too much is unhealthy, and it's uncomfortable if a cop watches you do it." +33522,0,"I should probably stop telling these jokes, it's starting to cross the boarder... How will Donald Trump deport the Mexicans? Juan by Juan. ----- What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country. ---- There were two Mexican brothers, they worked at a Fire Department. The one's name was Hosea, the other one was Hoseb ---- Mexican and Black jokes are pretty much the same, once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. ---- What do you call 4 Mexicans drowning in quicksand? Cuatro Sinko" +33523,0,"A child's observation if a mother laughed at dad's jokes, we have guests" +33524,1,We all accept that tomato is a fruit So why the fuck isn't it in fruit salads? +33525,0,The angle of the dangle times the heat of the meat equals... The mass of the ass. +33526,6,What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table +33527,0,I remember last Christmas we were sharing stories from the previous years. My sister had skipped the past and went right for the present. The whole family noticed the mistake. It was intense. +33528,1,Have you ever tried Tapeworm Caviar? It fills you right up. Then it doesn’t +33529,2,"Bad news in Dinsey Land Turns out Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. Judge says to Mickey ""I'm sorry but you can't divorce Minnie just because shes stupid."" ""I didn't say she was stupid."" Reply Mickey. "" I said she was fucking Goofy!"" " +33530,2,I'm about to tell my date that my penis is twelve inches wide. I don't know how she's going to take it. +33531,10,"Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, ""I love you."" She said, ""Is that you or the beer talking?"" I said, ""It's me talking to the beer.""" +33532,0,"A Foreign Exchange student visits India A foreign exchange student visits India, and while there, the family he is staying with asks him what customs are unique to his country. He responds with “well, where I come from, men have to ask a woman for consent before talking to them”. The other family is shocked and asks him where he is from, and he responds with “United States”" +33533,1,A man sold his flesh to a cannibalistic sushi shop... ...I guess you could say he's on a roll. +33534,0,What is Donald Trump's most effective form of contraception? His personality +33535,3,"Three couples are trying to get married.. Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. ""If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,"" says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, ""Have you completed the month with sex?"" ""Yes we have, it was easy,"" replies the elderly couple. ""How about you?"" He asks the middle-aged couple. ""It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month,"" they respond. ""And how about you two?"" He asks the young couple. ""No we couldn't do it,"" responds the boyfriend. ""Tell me why,"" says the priest. ""Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."" The priest then tells them, ""You're not welcome in my church."" ""We're not welcome in the supermarket either,"" says the boyfriend." +33536,0,"One of my colleague is pregnant and really happy because her husband and her tried a lot. I tried a lot with my wife as well, but she always said no. " +33537,1,"Rene Descartes walks into an empty room... After some time he remarks, “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”" +33538,6,"Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.. His response was ""I still love Vista, baby!""" +33539,2,What do you call a jockey that doesn't get blowjobs? A headless horseman! +33540,0,There was a huge fire at a shoe factory... Reports say over 2000 soles were lost. +33541,3,What do you call someone who delivers Indian food? A curry-er. +33542,4,"A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey. He says to the barman, ""This dog can talk."" The bartender replies, ""What? Get outta here."" The man with the dog then says, ""It's true, I promise!"" The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, ""Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free drinks for the rest of the evening."" ""Its a deal!"" says the man. He then proceeds to ask the dog ""what is above your head?"" ""Roof!"" the dog replies. The bartender thinks the guy is trying to pull a trick on him, and is about to throw them out when the man asks for a second try. The bartender reluctantly agrees. The man asks the dog, ""Who is the greatest baseball player who ever lived?"" ""Ruth!"" says the dog. The bartender is pissed because they tried to take him for a fool and immediately tosses them out on their asses. They pick themselves up, and while dusting off a bit the dog says, ""I probably shoulda said DiMaggio.""" +33543,1,My doctor told me I had Type A blood But apparently it was a typo +33544,0,"Time, flies like an Arrow Fruit, flies like Bananas." +33545,0,Your momma is so fat That she should see a doctor because diabetes is a serious problem. +33546,1,How do you find a Ukrainian? With a Geiger counter. +33547,5,What's that one room zombies can never enter? the LIVING room +33548,0,"When you are pulled over by a cop on Valentine's Day, it is the one day you can be excused for thinking.... ""Real cop...or stripper?""" +33549,1,I keep having this recurring dream.... It goes 1.33333333333333333333333333 +33550,0,"So a guys car breaks down next to a monastery... And he realizes this is the famous one with the delicious fish and chip shop. So he orders his fish and chips and as he's about to bite into one of the fries, he notices it is soggy and rotten. He goes back to the window and demands to speak to the chef. ""Chef! You are serving rotten potatoes!"" The monk responds, ""Ah, you'll need to speak to Brother Irvin. I am in charge of the fish, he is the chip monk.""" +33551,0,"God said Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.. But man.. how many problems would that solve." +33552,0,How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Accounting for the toxins in the skin of an unwashed potato... about 457 +33553,1,Which actress do you bring for a round of miniature golf? Minnie Driver +33554,0,Let's bust this joint is the new tag line for the Artritis Support Group. +33555,2,"My friend bought me a really ugly calculator for Christmas. But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts." +33556,0,Young women in math Tend to watch their figures. +33557,2,What did one lesbian vampire say to another? See you next month. +33558,0,Oscar Pistorius Roses are red violets are glorious never close a door on Oscar Pistorius (Found this somewhere) +33559,0,"What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day? ""Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!""" +33560,0,What's a castaway's favourite colour? Maroon +33561,2,I have good false memory I can misspell every single word on the dictionary. Edited: grammar +33562,1,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None +33563,0,So what does everyone think of our two presidential candidates? Gary Johnson and Jill Stein. +33564,4,"My first joke post on Reddit, also my favorite joke. A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, ""Grandpa, can I have a beer?"" Grandpa replied, ""Can your dick touch your ass?"" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said ""Then you're not man enough to have a beer."" A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, ""Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"" Once again, Grandpa asked, ""Can your dick touch your ass?"" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, ""Then your not man enough to have a cigar."" A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, ""Can I have a cookie?"" The boy asked ""Can your dick touch your ass?"" Grandpa replied, ""Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"" The boy replied, ""Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me""." +33565,0,Why was it impossible for the kitten to watch the movie? He kept hitting the paws button on the remote. +33566,0,President Trump is not a Xenophobe!! But he does have an irrational hatred of the Warrior Princess. +33567,1,"What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine." +33568,1,"My friend told me this great joke about neutrinos, but I can never remember how to tell it. It went in one ear and out the other." +33569,4,"How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't, there are no elephants with one hand" +33570,6,We had random drug testing at work today. The pcp was my favourite. +33571,0,Why did nobody shit talk the bartender? He always had a good *counter* +33572,1,Why did the lion choke to death? Because he bit off more than he could chew +33573,0,What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale +33574,3,"Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat. ""You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us look bad, and if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass""" +33575,0,A black man found shot nine times in the head in a small town in Texas The sheriff said it was the worst case of suicide he had ever seen. +33576,1,"Jerry was pretty mad about that car accident earlier, i guess you could say that... It drove him mad" +33577,2,How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? Pull its genes down. +33578,1,What do you call a magic dog? A magichien. +33579,1,Bill Cosby is having a party to celebrate his hung jury. There will be free drinks for all the ladies. +33580,1,What do you call a Cuban man who doesn’t believe in religion? Infidel Castro +33581,0,"I saw a beautiful ring on my friend's mom today. She said ""It's my grandmother's Holocaust ring."" I didn't know they gave rings in Holocaust." +33582,1,Once there was a swan that was very ugly as a child. (Isn’t the classic) It often got bullied and had no friends. Despite being ugly the swan grew up to be beautiful and had kids. The swan left these kids in another nest for another swan to raise The end. Moral of the story: you can get away with shit like that when you are attractive +33583,3,"The old man and the bear. One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, ""See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."" They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. ""Well,"" he began, ""I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' Well... I just shit my pants."" The young men looked astonished and one of them said, ""I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."" The old man shook his head and said, ""No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'""" +33584,3,Why should you never buy underpants made in Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout +33585,0,What did trump say to hillary after the debate? WRONG! and hillary replied : he is a lier and he cannot be trusted +33586,3,"Dead or alive, you're coming with me. Great movie quote, terrible pickup line… " +33587,0,"The truth, under oath. As a sheriff's deputy was driving on patrol, he spots a man standing on a milk crate, behind a cow. The man's pants are around his ankles and is clearly having sex with the cow. Without hesitation, the deputy arrests the man and transports him to jail. At the man's preliminary hearing, the judge asks for his plea. ""Guilty your honor."" Says the man. Prior to handing down his sentence the judge asks, ""Son, I have read the arrest report and frankly I have only one thing to ask, ""What the hell were you thinking screwing a dairy cow?"" ""Well your honor, honestly I was thinking of a much younger and prettier cow.""" +33588,0,Ever heard of the guy that lost track of Saudi dessert? He's dateless now. +33589,0,"A man wanted to lose weight, so he went to his doctor... His doctor gave him this schedule: -Eat an egg an a bagel -Then eat a ham sandwich -At last, you should eat half a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs After the doctor gave him this schedule, another question popped into the man's mind. He asked his doctor: ""Do I eat what's on the schedule before or after dinner?"" " +33590,1,What's the difference between a farmer MC and this joke? One is a reap host; the other's a repost. +33591,0,I want to invest heavily in Whiskey stocks. I've heard that the returns are pretty HIGH! +33592,2,Why do prison guards use proactive? To prevent breakouts. +33593,1,"Hidden drugs in firewood Johnny, calling the local police. \\- Yeah, my neighbour, Paul, is hiding drugs inside a big pile of firewood behind his shed. The police answer; - We'll be right over. A small force of officers arrive equipped with axes and chainsaws. They chop the whole pile up but find nothing and leave. When Paul comes home from work, Johnny goes over and knocks on the door and says: Hey buddy, I got your wood chopped, happy birthday." +33594,1,"Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ""I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."" ""I doubt it,"" said the truly proud Redneck. ""Tonight I'm the designated decoy."" " +33595,3,What do you call a South American girl who's always in a hurry? Urgent Tina +33596,0,[nsfw] How can you tell when your prostitute is full? She’s got a runny nose. +33597,2,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''" +33598,6,"I before E, except after C. We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has ***deigned*** to influence the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***obeisance*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike." +33599,5,"Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . . when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs. Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, ""What should I do?"" Sister Elizabeth answers, ""Show him your cross."" So Sister Mary leans out of the window and yells, ""Get the fuck out of the road you pointy-toothed bastard, or I'll run your ass over!"" Then she leans back into the vehicle and says, ""I hope that was cross enough.""" +33600,1,What do you call a red haired baker? Ginger bread man +33601,1,"Two humans are walking along the street Two humans are walking along the street. They see a sign that says ""Human? Turn yourself into a giant mechanical spider that spews caustic acid for just $10!"" One human turns to the other and says, ""Human, we need to do that!"" The other human says ""But I only have $5!"" So the first human says ""I have $20, let me go through and then I'll give the change!"" So the first human goes through the process, and sure enough, it works. The second human sees his friend, who is now a giant mechanical spider that spews caustic acid, and he says ""Awesome! It works! Let me get that $5 so I can do it!"" And the giant mechanical spider that spews caustic acid spews caustic acid on him." +33602,4,"When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me I was never scared though, I loved disco music" +33603,5,I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking Or “crying” as she calls it. +33604,1,what's the difference between mean and morbid? mean: five children in one dustbin morbid: one child in five dustbins +33605,0,"that's not my wife I've seen a couple movies and tv shows (can't remember any of them specifically) the way i remember it is somebody walks into a room and someone else is finishing a joke that ends ""that's not my wife that's a ect..."". I've personally never heard a joke that goes like that so im wondering if any of yall have or it's a movie thing. Also don't know if this is the correct subreddit this is my first post " +33606,2,"A Bat's story. (Posting it again) A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. ""OK, follow me,"" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. ""Now, do you see that tree over there?"" he asked. ""Yes, yes, yes!"" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. ""Good,"" said the first bat tiredly, ""Because I didn't!""" +33607,2,What time do you go see the dentist? 2:30 tooth hurty ah go fuck yourself +33608,10,If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico. Not by choice though. +33609,0,"3 blind men come to an unfamiliar object… The first one asserts, ""This is a snake. I'm sure of I."" The second calls out, ""You idiot, it's nothing like a snake. This is a giant wall."" They bicker and together call out for their friend to help them decide. ""Dave, what do you think? Is it snake or a wall?"" Dave replies, ""I don't know, but whatever it is, it smells like shit!""" +33610,6,"I watched a really weird porno the other day. It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet." +33611,1,There is a new fast and furious with a cast of edgy 17 year old girls 2 Fast Bi-Curious +33612,4,Why should you always knock before opening the Fridge? Incase there is a salad dressing. +33613,0,What does excel and going to the toilet have in common? Speadcheeks +33614,0,Having Irritable Bowel Syndrome... Is a real pain in the ass. +33615,0,Why is Black Friday called Black Friday? Because if it was white Friday it would cause a riot. +33616,0,What do you call a tsunami in an Oasis? A Waterwall. +33617,1,You Will Lose Your Head With This One What's the key factor to an isis joke? The execution...... +33618,0,Do you know how I got out of Persia? Iran. +33619,3,"A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour... The nurse tells him to calm down and asks ""Is this her first child?"" to which the man replies ""NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!""" +33620,0,If you're playing Uno with a Mexican always set the colour to green if you can. Lord knows they won't get any green cards. +33621,1,"When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it." +33622,1,"if england has Essex, Wessex, and Sussex... I guess it's a good thing there isn't nossex" +33623,0,if the Samsung s7 has 52 cards then how much cards does the iPhone have ?? The iPhone has 48 cards because there is no Jack 😂 +33624,0,"I'm convinced that Jesus must have been a homosexual. Why else would he so frequently exclaim ""Aye, men""?" +33625,5,What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform? Send crudes. +33626,0,"What’s the definition of a pristine lake? A lake so high in the mountains that no woman has ever swam in it, and the fish still taste like chicken..." +33627,3,I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt. +33628,1,What do you call a Genderbent midget who fight for his freedom Micro-transaction +33629,3,What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. +33630,5,Why don't ants have balls? Cause then they'd be uncles! +33631,0,Why does KFC never have any toilet paper? Because its finger lickin' good. +33632,0,What do you call a really cool cantaloupe? A melon baller ^^^^^oh ^^^^^god ^^^^^kill ^^^^^me +33633,0,Poor people can’t have an opinion They don’t have 2 cents +33634,5,Beethoven to his audience: Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!! Beethoven: I can't hear you +33635,0,How do you render a Chinese man blind? Put dental floss over their eyes. +33636,2,What’s the difference between sticks and dicks? S T D +33637,2,"What's the difference between a Muslim and a Terrorist? I don't know, I just work as airport security." +33638,0,Q: What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol +33639,0,"King Henry the 8th always wanted his wives to be athletic He wanted them to be able to run quickly, have lots of energy in them and strong, but unfortunately they all Anne Boleyn" +33640,0,"Why is everyone so depressed over Bitcoin recently? It rose over 10% today, from $6000,- to $7000,-!" +33641,2,"The sad story of Stanislaw. Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, ""I must tell you my greatest secret."" His family urges him to go on. ""Before I got married, I had it all,"" Stanislaw explains. ""Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you are on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you now what?"" ""What?"" ""I'm not even thirsty!""" +33642,1,"The following text might contain spoilers Making it more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds." +33643,1,What do you get if you mix a vampire with a dwarf? A cocksucker +33644,2,"What do you call a cow that's cold and angry? BURRRR...GERRRRRRR edit: Thought of this last night when eating my burger and my friend said that the burgers were cold, lol." +33645,0,I can never get done for manslaughter... Because no man ever laughs at my jokes. +33646,2,"Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ""He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."" Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ""Oh no, my dear,"" replied granny. ""Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."" She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ""He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."" Fair warning, this is a REPOST, not OC" +33647,0,Men: eating dick doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay. NSFW It might just mean that you’re a cannibal. +33648,2,"Waldo is working out at the gym He sees another guy there and asks, ""hey man, can you spot me?"" The guy says: ""Well I'll try my best, but it might take me a while.""" +33649,0,"What does the 14-year old and the fetus inside her have in common with their mother? They both think ""She's gonna kill me!""" +33650,0,What is that on Pete Townshend's face? Who nose. +33651,0,How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga Poker face +33652,0,"You know Reddit, yall like school in the summertime... No class." +33653,1,My buddy and I both have the flu. I invited him over for Netflix & chills. +33654,3,What do you call a grumpy german? Sourkraut +33655,2,What's a scientist's favorite type of dog? A lab. +33656,0,Sex is like pizza... If I don't arrive in 30 minutes it's free I always get mine with extra cheese It's just as good after they go cold I can take 12 inches It's better with extra sausage Alternative punchlines are most welcome in the comments +33657,3,My love life is like blackjack I always hit on 16 +33658,2,How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? We all know feminist can't change anything. +33659,2,"A man comes home to find his door lock is not working properly He promptly unscrews the hinges, picks up the door and takes it to the market to repair the lock. The locksmith asks *""If the door's here...what if someone walks into your house?""* Confused, he replies *""How would anyone get in when I have the door?""*" +33660,0,I asked the audience at a bull fight what their favourite shampoo was They all shouted Olay. +33661,0,"A polarizing filter was taking in all of its problems... Every time something came at it a little bit sideways it would just take it in, never letting it out. Finally, it could no longer handle all of life’s radiant problems and decided to get a therapist. They really helped it square up its life and by taking things head on they were able to see right through its problems." +33662,6,What do you call a fat psychic? ...a four chin teller +33663,4,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. Jk, rolling." +33664,3,"A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almost forgot to give you this dollar!” The mail man is confused and asks “why the dollar?” She responds, “ well when I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for Christmas he responded with ‘give him a dollar, fuck um!”" +33665,2,"My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural, I just wish he'd have aimed away from me." +33666,2,Why do greeks fly buisness? Because they dont have an economy +33667,5,Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary? They couldn't afford it. +33668,2,What’s the difference between a fat cow and your mother? People will actually eat the cow. +33669,3,Why are americans bad at chess? Because they already lost 2 towers +33670,0,What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hang onto your nuts! This ain't your normal blowjob! +33671,2,I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight. It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early. +33672,1,"Fairy and the evil bastard. There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard. Fairy:""Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."" Evil bastard:""Ok, go f*ck yourself.""" +33673,1,"Two kids at my school got caught trying autoerotic asphyxiation One got suspended, the other got off." +33674,1,"Mohammed to the eye doctor Mohammed to the eye doctor. Mohammed: Doctor, every time I have sex with a scandinavian woman my eyes starts tearing up. The doctor examines the patient... Doctor: Uhm, yes. It seems like you're allergic to pepper spray. " +33675,1,"3 guys went to hell 3 friends died and went to hell, the devil told them that he will make them suffer with whatever their father used to do. So the devil ask the first guy, ""What did your father used to do?"" He replies ""My father used to chop trees."" The devil right away takes a saw and chop he's dick. Meanwhile the third guy starts laughing. The devil ask the second guy, ""So what did your father used to do?"" He replies ""My father was a butcher."" The devil right away takes a butcher knife and slice he's dick. Now the third guy can't stop laughing. So the devil very mad ask the guy, ""What are you laughing at!!!?"" The third guy laughing say's ""My father used to sell ice cream's so you got to suck it till it falls!!!""" +33676,8,My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed? Nephew: Brushing your teeth! Mom: oh honey that's not a joke. Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do! +33677,3,There are two kinds of people in this world 1) Those who pee in the shower 2) Fucking liars Edit: Number typo +33678,0,"People call me many names Some call me rob, some call me robert, and my parents call me a mistake." +33679,2,Why do hipsters have so much money? Because they bought bitcoin before it was popular +33680,2,"A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, ""I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."" THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, ""I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."" THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, ""YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."" HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, ""OH, I'M SORRY."" AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. ""I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."" " +33681,3,Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaaaa-hamas! +33682,0,A man on a horse tries to cross a river. While approaching the river bank a big crocodile comes out of the river. “If you will try to cross the river I will eat you!” Says the crocodile. “I have never seen a talking crocodile before!” Says the man both stunned and scared. “Me neighther!” Says the horse. +33683,1,"Heaven is getting full Heaven is getting full and god and the devil make an agreement, the dead have to ask a question and if the devil can answer correctly they go to hell but if he answers incorrectly they can go in. One day a scientist a mathmatition abd a hill billy all die so the devil tells them the rules and the scientist goes first and the devil gets it right and the mathmatition is next and again the devil gets it right and then the hillbilly askes for a lawn chair and pokes 50 holes in it and sits down and farts and stands up and askes which hole the fart came out and the devil said the 2nd one on the right. And the hillbilly said no my butt hole." +33684,0,"Doctor: ""Do you play any sports?"" Patient: ""Does sex count?"" Doctor: ""Yes."" Patient: ""Then no.""" +33685,2,"You know what Nixon did wrong? He only broke into the watergate hotel once. He should have done it everyday. Then it would have been normal. Yes, you got it, jokes on you. " +33686,0,"Trump, Moore, and a group of children are in a plane that's going down with only one parachute The pilot comes from the cock pit and shouts ""Quick! Give the children the parachute, let the children live! "" Trump relied, ""I'm the president! Fuck the children!"" to which Moore replied ""Do we have time?""" +33687,2,"My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!” And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A" +33688,2,How does a Russian hacker get its malware onto the NSA's computers? By in-Stalin it. +33689,2,How does Moses make beer? Hebrews. +33690,1,Like my grandpa said: It's good to meet girls in a park but it's better to park your meat in a girl. +33691,6,If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns +33692,3,I just found out I'm colorblind. I'm absolutely shocked! It came right out of the purple. +33693,0,Why did the feminist cross the road? NSFW Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck Donald Trump's dick +33694,0,"What will you find on the ""to do"" list of a busy Spanish speaker ? Todo" +33695,9,Congratulations USA Zero school shootings so far this year. +33696,0,What does a homophobe and a feminist have in common? They both hate fucking assholes. +33697,1,I saw a man standing on one leg at the ATM I asked him what he was doing He said just checking my balance +33698,2,Parallel lines have so much in common Its a shame they're never gonna meet +33699,4,"Success is like being pregnant,... Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there." +33700,0,"I just don't understand the function of ornate carpentry... I don't see how it ""wood"" work" +33701,3,"A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside, ...in middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbor, a big, hairy guy living a few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time. ""Theres gonna be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?"", asks the neighbor. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet living, says ""Okay, why not."" ""There will be some dancing and singing there"", informs the neighbor. ""It's okay, I can sing"", he answers. ""And know that there will be heavy drinking too."" ""That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here."" ""There will be fighting too"", says the neighbor. ""Uh, okay, I think I can live with that"", he says. ""And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."" ""Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!"", he says, getting all excited about it. ""So I can count you in?"", asks the neighbor. ""You bet you can"", he says enthusiasticly. ""Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place"", says the neigbor and turns to go away. ""Wait, one last thing!"", he yells after the neighbor. ""How should I dress?"" ""Oh, doesn't matter, just gonna be the two of us.""" +33702,1,"Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up... Technically, I'm second to nun." +33703,1,"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but those from Abu Dhabi do." +33704,4,"If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful. My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day." +33705,1,"Rock stars Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, and Pete Townshend are drinking at a bar and the conversation comes around to the subject of the greatest gifts they have ever received. Paul McCartney pulls out an enormous green gem sculpted in the shape of an insect. ""This beetle is 900 carats, cut from a single piece of emerald. It was given to me by the Sultan of Brunei. It's worth millions of pounds"" PeteTownshend pulls out a miniature pinball machine made of solid gold. ""This pinball machine was given to me by the Queen of England. It really works! It's one of a kind, and it's priceless."" Mick Jagger pulls out a crusty old loaf of bread. ""This was given to me by a whore in Casablanca. It's pretty much worthless. I know, it's only a Moroccan roll, but I like it."" Not oc but I don't remember where I heard it and I haven't seen it on here " +33706,3,Why is the ocean blue? You would be to if you were waving at hot beaches all day and none of them waved back. +33707,0,Lady Diana What does Diana stand for ? Died in a nasty accident. +33708,1,My doctor told me I should be on a staple diet. I told him I don't think I can digest metal and walked out. +33709,0,"What did one anthropologist say to the other? Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Male Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Male Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Female Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Male Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Male Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Male Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Female Anthropologist 1: .....Male or female? Anthropologist 2: Female Anthropologist 1: Ok, we're done here -- now take these two bags back to the museum." +33710,3,"A jewish mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband ""Does he hit you"", she asked. ""No Ma."" ""Does he cheat on you?"" ""No Ma."" ""Does he lose his money?"" ""No Ma."" ""You have a beautiful house, luxary cars, your clothes are the finest quality, you have staffs to take care of your domestic chores. What does he do wrong?"" ""It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."" ""And what's so bad about that?"" ""It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married my butthole was the size of a dime, now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."" ""It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."" " +33711,1,Reporter: How’re you feeling Mr. President? Trump: I’m...peachy +33712,0,How do Jamaicans pronounce bacon? The same way British people pronounce beer can. +33713,1,What do you call a pirate cartoon? An animatee! +33714,2,"An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money. The tribe signalled back, saying ""No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"" Just then, a nuclear bomb was detonated in the Nevada desert. The Chief watched in awe as the gigantic mushroom cloud reached toward the sky. Then, further in the distance, he saw a tiny plume of smoke that said ""OK, we'll send you more money! No need to scream like that!""" +33715,0,"I've always been intrigued by bedbath and beyond... Apparently there's meant to be a comma! And it has absolutely nothing to do with happy endings... Anyway, former pediatrics nurse looking for work." +33716,1,"A man who was in the army for two years died. The general orders a soldier to inform Mrs. Johnson that her husband died. The soldier obeys and leaves. A few hours later the soldier returns to the general with a crate of beer, and tells the general he informed mrs. Johnson. ""Good job soldier,"" the general says ""but how did you get that crate of beer?"" The soldier responds, ""I knocked on her door and when a woman opened I asked: ""Is this widow Johnson?"" She responded with: ""I am misses Johnson, but I'm not a widow"" Then i responded with ""wanna bet for a crate of beer?""""." +33717,8,"Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch... Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ""When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."" The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ""I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."" The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ""It's just 99 cents a word."" Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ""I want you to send her the word ""comfortable."" The operator shakes his head. ""How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ""comfortable?"" The brunette explains, ""My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull.""" +33718,3,Where did Mary go after the explosion? Everywhere +33719,1,How did Tigger break the Bro Code? He stole Pooh's honey! +33720,2,Are flatearthers constipated? Because the amount of shit they pull out of their ass is amazing +33721,0,My spinach arugula and radicchio salad was only spinach and arugula I waved my server down and said. “This is absolutely radicchio-less...” +33722,0,I hate it when people look down on others because of career path I'm not an edgy college kid or soccer mom that looks down on others based on their job. I only look down on others based on their skin color. +33723,0,Most Offensive Joke I've Ever Written I'm starting to wonder if the person we should be feeling sorry for isn't so much Lady Gaga but whatever poor guy was incredibly desperate that she was his only option. +33724,2,"A man and his two friends are out in the desert. A man and his two friends are out in the desert. They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second guy brought a portable fan that doesn’t rely on an outlet. They all agree that that is a smart item to bring. The two guys ask the third guy what he brought. The third guy responds with, “I brought a car door.” The other two are baffled and ask for further explanation. The third guy goes, “Well, once I get hot I can roll the window down.”" +33725,0,Why is Minecraft made of cubes? Because of mc^3 +33726,1,A catholic priest asks his friend... “Hey do want to here a pick up line?” “Alright go” his friend replies. “Hey are you a victim of child sexual abuse?” “No?” “Do you wanna be?” +33727,0,"Parallel lines have so much in common, but this plane is non-euclidean so I can't come up with a good punchline" +33728,0,Knock knock. Who's there? Cow goes. Cow goes who? Cow goes moo not who. XD +33729,2,"Trooper tries to pull over a man who speeds away..... After getting the man to pull over, he tells him that since it's the end of his shift that he'll let him go if he has a good explanation for why he kept speeding up instead of pulling over. The driver says: ""Don't you recognize me? My wife ran away with you 2 years ago and I thought you were trying to give her back""" +33730,1,"My speech impediment didn't stop my dad from listening to me when I asked for Minecraft for my birthday. So why did he give me a book about something called ""fascism?""" +33731,0,Why are orphans so bad at baseball? They've got nowhere to run HOME. +33732,0,You hear about the Trap door company? I heard they closed down +33733,0,What does a geriatric oncologist at the University of Oklahoma study? Boomer Sooner boomer tumors. +33734,0,"Back in the Days Of the Empire, a missionary came to the aborigines. He was picked up at the dock and driven to the church. After a short distance, he saw a native vigorously violating a kangaroo. He was stunned. After another short distance, another man doing the same. He was shocked. Another distance and there was a one-legged man, masturbating, leaning against a rock. He was appalled at all this licentiousness and turned to his guide, ""This is terrible!"" ""I know, but ya can't expect a cripple fella to catch his own 'roo!""" +33735,2,Got anything smaller? I was at the store today and handed the clerk a $20 bill. He handed it back and asked if I had anything smaller. So I folded the $20 bill in half and handed it back to him. +33736,0,The only person who could saw Arya coming was . . . Gendry. +33737,1,"Dickens’ a Tale of two Cities was first serialised in two newspapers It was the Biscester Times, is was the Worcester Times." +33738,3,Did you mean to use wordplay there? Nope unintended. +33739,0,What did the car say to the squirrel crossing the road? Tired? +33740,2,"Did you hear about the Agnostic, Dyslexic, Insomniac? Some say that he lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog...." +33741,5,Want to hear a joke about the ozone layer? [depleted] +33742,4,Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long? The can't handle stares. +33743,2,"Alvin and the booming voice Alvin is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says ""Alvin. Sell your business!"", Alvin, believing it to be just in his head ignores it. But the voice carries on for days, saying ""Alvin. Sell your entire business for 3 million dollars!"", after coming to terms that the voice is not just in his head, he relents and sells his store and entire business. The voice booms again ""Alvin. Go to Las Vegas!"" Alvin asks why ""Alvin. Just take the 3 million dollars and go to Las Vegas"" Alvin obeys, goes to Las Vegas and visits a casino. The voice booms again ""Alvin. Go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand!"" Alvin hesitates, but has come this far and gives in. He's dealt an eighteen and the dealer has a six showing. ""Alvin. Take a card!"" Alvin replies ""What? The dealer has..."" ""Take a card!"" Alvin reluctantly asks the dealer to hit him, he gets an ace. Nineteen. He takes a deep breath of relief. ""Alvin. Take another card."" ""What?!"" ""TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"" Alvin freezes for a second, swallows hard and asks the dealer to hit him again. It's another Ace. Twenty. Alvin cannot believe his luck. The voice commands again ""Take another card!"" ""I HAVE TWENTY"" Alvin cries. ""TAKE ANOTHER CARD"" ""Hit me..."" Alvin says. Another Ace. Twenty-one! The booming voice says ""Un-fucking-believable."" " +33744,2,"three psychologists confess secrets to each other. The first says ""Hate to admit it, but I fuck my patients on a regular basis. I'll fuck men and women, hell, one time I fucked this chick's dog!"" the second psychologist said ""I also hate to admit this, but I'm a thief. I overcharge my clientelle, rip them off, and last week I stole a 20 out of this 10 year old's wallet!"" the third sighed and said ""Whatever I do, I can't keep a secret!""" +33745,9,"I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy. It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was broke and my body was ruined. But fuck me, what a night." +33746,0,What do you call a blind deer Somebody please tell me because I have no eye deer +33747,1,"A man goes to a Chinese takeout. Orders the starter combo platter, eats one piece, leaves the rest on the counter, and strolls off with wanton abandon. " +33748,3,I belong to a family of failed magicians... I’ve got two half-sisters. +33749,1,What battles were fought while all the soldiers were asleep? The Opium Wars. +33750,1,I've opened up a new restaurant named 'Karma' We serve Asian cuisine starting at $8.99 Karma doesn't give you any punchlines +33751,1,"A big tomcat was napping on his owner's back porch When he hears a commotion from next door. A new family was moving in, and with them was the most gorgeous little cat he had ever laid eyes on. Only one thing stood in his way, a barbed wire fence separating the properties. Over the next few weeks, the family settles in and the tom continues to watch the new cat from afar, growing more and more in love. Finally he spies her on the neighbor's porch and builds up his courage to jump the fence. He squats back, wiggles his furry butt, and soars through the air to land on the other side. Startled, the lady cat jumps up and says, ""Oh! You must be the tomcat from next door"" The tom replies, ""Well, I used to be. That fence was taller than I thought...""" +33752,0,I stopped masturbating for NNN. But now my dick is kind of getting out of hand. +33753,0,I used to be a werewolf. But I'm alright nOOOOOOOOOW +33754,2,"What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? >!Nothing, he's gladiator.!<" +33755,0,I gave my friend a lift the other day. I am an uber good friend. +33756,0,What do you call a Parisian who commits suicide? In-Seine. +33757,10,Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit +33758,2,Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages? He was a man of many cultures. +33759,0,"A black guy, an Indian, and a whale go in to a milkshake bar. So a black guy says “can I get a chocolate shake?” And gets a chocolate shake. The Indian guy says “can I get a strawberry shake?” And gets a strawberry shake. The whale says... “MWWWWUUUUHHHHHHHHH”" +33760,3,"A teacher asks, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’"" ""Which tense is that?” Student: “Obviously past.”" +33761,4,"I'll always remember what my pops said before he kicked the bucket He said ""How far do you think I can kick this bucket?""" +33762,1,What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal? Computer +33763,1,I wish Apple would bring back Steve Wozniak. +33764,0,"Captain, why do you be wearin that steering wheel on yer crotch? Yar it drives me nuts." +33765,0,"Bob Ross as a priest. ""Brother Ross! my son is possesed!"" ""Just beat the devil out of it.""" +33766,1,What do antivaxxers and responsible bar tenders have in common? Neither give shots to babies! NOTE: this is a repost from r/funny by u/rawridk so if that isn’t allowed I’ll take it down +33767,0,I like to fuck a bunch of women every October and never call them again. \\#ghosting +33768,2,Happy goundhog day! Happy groundhog day! +33769,0,Did you read about the marathon runner wearing a 'Jesus Saves' whose life was saved by a nurse named Jesus? Very providential indeed! +33770,0,"What was Hitler's favorite letter? Well, I'll tell you right now it's not Z" +33771,3,Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Because Sheeran +33772,1,"Have you heard of the new rumor about butter? Never mind, I don't want to spread it." +33773,0,"Babysitter or .... A little American girl woke up one morning. She went to the kitchen. And there she saw a man, who was wearing shorts and looking for something in the fridge. She approached and asked: - Oh, are you our new babysitter :?: And he answered: - Nah, I'm your new motherfucker :lol:" +33774,2,"3 guys are standing on a tower They are pretty much bored until one of the guys proposes a challenge. He challenges the other two to throw their watch of the tower and to run down as fast as they can to try and catch it before it drops to the ground. Each of them puts in $100, so the first one to catch the watch wins and gets the $300 in total. They hesitate but do give in after a while. The guy proposing the challenge says they can go first since he came up with it. The first one is readying himself to sprint down. He throws the watch and runs down like a mad man, only to arrive at the entrance of the tower and seeing his watch completely crushed. The second guy, eagered to not let the $300 slip, throws his watch very high up and almost flies downstairs. Upon reaching the entrance he sees his watch just drop on the ground in front of him. Though he is know convinced that it is pretty much impossible to catch the watch. The third guy also throws his watch down. He enjoys the view, so he decided to smoke a cigarette first. Slowly but surely he starts descending down. Before going to the entrance he calls his mom for a check-up, asking how dads doing etc. after the long phonecall he walks to the entrance of the tower, holding out his hand. The watch drops in the middle of his hand upon walking outside. The two guys are completely shocked. He gets the $300 and proceeds to light a cigarette. They still can't believe he actually did it. One of them dares to ask the question: ""How could you possibly catch it when you were A LOT slower then us? How in god's name did you do it?"" He says:""Pretty simple, I just set my watch 30 minutes earlier"" " +33775,1,I don't trust chairs. They just don't sit right with me. +33776,0,"Pakistani breakup line Boy to Girl: It's not you, it's my goat !" +33777,0,Did you hear the report of the priest who was trampled by wildebeest? It was bad gnus +33778,9,"I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs... ""Really?"" she said, ""Go on then...try."" After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded ""Come on, what day was I born?"" “Yesterday."" I replied." +33779,1,Do you like my Russian leader puns? Ivan practicing. And if you need to borrow money I'll Lenin to you. +33780,0,The female black widow spider is known to kill and eat her mate after sex. This saves a great deal of time and expense in divorce court +33781,0,"A young woman takes on her first job, raising money for a charity. She decides to go for broke... and approaches one of the wealthiest men in the country. But he's greedy and selfish and has never given anyone a dime. ""Mr. Marcos, I represent an organization that does a lot of good for a lot of people, especially under-resourced children all over the planet. I know you don't really give a lot. But would you consider making a donation to us?"" The old man glares at her, sits silently for a few minutes, then speaks, ""Do you know that last week my children wanted me to tell that how big their inheritance is going to be? And are you aware that a group of my fraternity brothers from University that have fallen on hard times have just reached out to me begging me to help them, even if it's just a loan? Finally, do you know that my mother has lived in a wretched senior home for three decades and she sent me this letter asking for money to move somewhere nice where she can be better taken care of? The woman is encouraged and says, ""Wow, you have a lot of people counting on you."" ""Then young lady, if I have never given anything to anybody I cared about, why would I give you a dime?""" +33782,6,I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course? Shlalom +33783,2,I’m going to be dad !! But I don’t know how to tell my wife... +33784,3,"The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'" +33785,0,"[LONG] In a village in East Africa was a well off family headed by a respectable father nicknamed Small John... Small John was named as such, not due to his height (as 5’6” is nowhere short enough to be considered, “small”), but rather due to how well endowed he was that he needed to label it ""small"" to be humble about it. Small John’s family, the Eeyeas had five children: three daughters and twin sons born from the same mother, Nicole. Nicole was a very patient mother. She loved Small John very much, but promptly left after her twin boys, the youngest of the children, were of learning age. Small John was notorious for his mischief, and though he never cheated on his wife, his humor was too much for her to handle. What Small John named his children was the deciding factor as to why Nicole left him. Tildaswet was the first daughter born. Nicole found her first daughter’s name to be rather common in convention with other girls in the village. Jaswet, Feruswet, Tudaswet… the list went on to the commonality and the sense of belonging this implied. It was safe to say that Nicole was pleased with Small John’s name of choice, though she feared it at first as his mischief was in the realm of wordplay. Dawn-Mabals was the second daughter born at, you guessed it, dawn. Nicole found her second daughter’s name to be on the stranger side, but she understood where Small John got this name. Their family owned cows renowned for their leather which the Mabal company purchases directly from the Eeyeas. It is common to name people after their occupations afterall. Using that logic, Nicole was once again pleased with Small John’s name of choice. Dreepz was the third born daughter. On the day she was born, there was a big storm which raged for six days and seven nights. The onslaught of rainfall caused water to drip down the ceiling, hence the name “Dreepz”. Nicole thought that it was strange how Small John came up with the name, but it was an easy way to remember the day of Dreepz birth, so she went with it. “Dreepz” is a cute name anyway. Tudawal and Tudawindo were identical twins, save for their height which became more apparent as they aged. Both of their names began with “Tuda” which made sense as twins should have more than just their birthdays be similar. Nicole grew worried that she had missed something with Small John’s naming of their children. As if Small John could predict the future, his mischief did not miss the chance at a long-con pun. This grew apparent on the day that the Eeyeas got a new Russian teacher to home school their children. Yaltski, the Russian home school teacher, instructed the Eeyea Children to stand in line from shortest to tallest. Yaltski found this to be the easiest method his brain could manage as the height differences were very clear, especially for the twins. Before the introductions, Small John gave instructions to his sons and daughters, “My children. You all are my pride and joy that I myself have named, so show Yaltski the same pride you have in your name as is equivalent to the effort I took to raise you all. When I point to you, announce your names like the warriors I see you all as. You as well, Yaltski.” Small John beats his chest, and yells, “EE-YEA-AH!!!” to which the children respond with their own chest pounding and proclamation of their family name, “EE-YEA-AH!!!” Yaltski was shocked. Nicole finally saw where this was going and promptly left, saying she was going to buy a packet of cigarettes. Small john proceeded to gesture his children to announce their names one by one from shortest to tallest, and finally to the Russian teacher in which the following proceeded: TUDAWINDOOOOOOOOOO (To the window), TUDAWALL (To the wall), TILDASWET DREEPZ DAWN-MABALS!!! YALTSKI SKISKI SKISKISKI!!!" +33786,3,Why women make louder peeing sound than men? Because men got a six inch suppressor. +33787,1,"A Man walks into a bar...... A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?” Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing ! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks”where did you find him?” “Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp”Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness” “Wow” says the barman. The man then says “as you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp” “Be careful what you wish for tho” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!“ To this the man replies, ” And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?! “ " +33788,7,"I phoned my wife... ...and said ""would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"" She had just grunted down the phone. I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins " +33789,4,"A short guide to extreme BDSM Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom. As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read. Step zero is deciding upon a safeword. Or several, just in case. 1. Tie your partner/sub to a chair. Firmly, but be sure not to cut off bloodstream. Soft rope, long pieces of cloth or velcro restraints all work. Just keep scissors at hand to cut through the restraint if it is needed. 2. Gag their mouth. Clean cloth or actual ball-gag, doesn't matter. 3. Start smooth jazz and begin some gentle foreplay. 4. After several minutes, take a break from that, grab their laptop and put it in front of them. 5. Start installing Windows Vista. 6. When the installation is finished, install McAfee Free Antivirus. And that's all, folks!" +33790,1,"An Elbonian, Brazilian, Bulgarian and Liberian are in a swearing contest. The Elbonian swears for 1 minute The Brazilian swears for 3 minutes and everyone claps. The Liberian swears for 5 minutes and gets a standing ovation. On the way to the stage, the Bulgarian trips on the stairs. He swears for 20 minutes, cursing the designer of the steps. Then he gets on stage and says ""Can I start now?""" +33791,4,"A couple goes on their honeymoon on an island (Sorry for my bad english in advance, great joke nevertheless) ....They had a great time. Upon leaving the island, they both decide to get a pet as a memory for their honeymoon. Husbang grabs a rattle snake and wife grabs a skunk. When they get to the airport, they notice a sign saying ""no pets allowed"". Being confused and disappointed they decided to trick the system. Husband says ""i will use the snake as a belt around my weist, it might just work"". Wife in confusion says, ""thats a good idea, what about my skunk?"". Hisband replies ""Well in don't know, you will just have to hide it up your skirt i guess"". Wife goes ""what about the smell? Husband replies ""Look honey, if it dies it dies""." +33792,1,"A man asks his wife if she has ever been unfaithful. An old man asked his wife, “Martha, we’ve soon been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you… Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.” Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that… You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?” Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.” “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”" +33793,1,"A minister told his congregation... ""Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17"". The following Sunday as he prepared to deliver his sermon the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many have read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, ""Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying"". (Not sure if this has been posted before because my dad just told it to me today and it cracked me up)" +33794,1,Explaining comedy is like dissecting a frog. F*cking gross. +33795,1,"It's WW2 3 men die and go to hell. An American, a Jewish man, and a Nazi die and are all greeted by Satan at the gates of hell. He says to the 3 men, ""I'm giving you guys a chance to earn your lives back. I want you to bring me a fruit that I've never seen before."" The men were full of joy, however the devil did not tell them if they bring him a fruit hes seen before they will not only stay there for eternity but they will start by shoving it up their asses. The three men set out on their journey and the American is the first to return. He says to the devil, ""I present to you an all American apple. Unlike any other in the world!"" The devil laughs and says, ""Shove it up your ass."" The Jewish man returns with a pomegranate and says to the devil, ""I'm certain you've never seen this one before!"" The devil laughs and says once again, ""Shove it up your ass."" The devil is growing tired of waiting for the last man, so he decides to watch the 2 men shove the fruits up their ass while they suffer. He was surprised to find the American weeping in pain and the Jewish man laughing. He walks up to him furious asking, ""Is this not enough for you? Do I need to make things worse? Why are you laughing human?"" The Jewish man responds while giggling, ""No, no, Mr. Devil. I'm laughing because the Nazi's coming back with a watermelon."" " +33796,4,How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem. +33797,0,Imagine it was 420 degrees Fahrenheit outside We be all baking! +33798,0,"[LPT request] how to deal with leather allergy So, recently, i had quite a few mornings where i woke up having a terrible headache and feeling sick af. Sometimes, i even suffered from temporary amnesia. I had no idea where those symptoms are coming from, up until recently when i noticed this was always the case when i woke up still wearing my leather shoes from the night before. So apparantly, i’m allergic to leather. Anyone has any tips on how to cope with this? Edit: I don't want to avoid leather since i really like my leather shoes... any other tips other than ""avoid leather""? " +33799,0,What's the capital of Sweden Sour Sorry for the bad joke +33800,1,Why did Sally fall of the swing set? Why did Sally fall of the swing set? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally. +33801,0,"Old MacDonald had a farm, EU, EU... oh… Old Macdonald no longer has a farm…" +33802,2,Why did the boy bring a fig to the prom? Because he couldn't find a date! +33803,2,"What if you get to heaven and God says... ""Hey, you're finally awake.""" +33804,1,A sadist and a masochist walk into a dentists office... The sadist asks for a job and the masochist asks for an appointment with the new guy. +33805,0,I was quite drunk last night. And I got home with bus. \\-hat's strange about? \\-Until now I had not driven a bus. +33806,4,"Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar… “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."" The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. ""Logic?"" Jim says. ""What's that?"" The dean says, ""I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"" ""Yeah."" ""Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard."" ""That's true, I do have a yard."" ""I'm not done,"" the dean says. ""Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house."" ""Yes, I do have a house."" ""And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."" ""Yes, I have a family."" ""So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a straight man."" ""I am straight. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater."" Excited to take the class, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. ""Logic?"" Bob says, ""What's that?"" ""I'll give you an example,"" says Jim. ""Do you own a weed eater?"" ""No."" ""Then you're gay.” " +33807,0,Why was the particle physicist delighted to see his cookies all ant-ridden? Because he had created 'ant'y-matter! +33808,1,If I was going to describe 2017 I'd say it was one of the swords the Musketeers used. +33809,1,Dating two girls at once isn't too savage Unless it's Winnie Cooper and Topanga Lawrence +33810,0,"What do broccoli and my cock have in common? Kids don't like it, even with butter" +33811,0,"A man said that his son was old enought to become a man He procedes to give him his rifle, and said - son, my grandfather gave my father this rifle, then he passed it to me, and now i'm giving it to you, so you can defend your kids, just like i've defended mine. The next day, the father asked him -son, where is the rifle, I have to teach you how to use it -oh dad, I went to the city and a man tradedwith me for this digital watch. he then procedes to show his dad the watch. then the father asked him. -But son, why would you do this? he then replies -Because from now on I can pass my son the watch with anger in his eyes the father said: -So if a man tells you that your son is a fag and your wife is a whore, will you say... -it's 12:30!" +33812,0,What do you call a mailman's former girlfriend? FedEx +33813,0,"Just a shitty JOKE. (NSFW) I often think about my dearest friend, who I lost in 9/11. Time passes, yet i can never forget him. His smile, his kindness, there is Just too much that reminds me of him. His talent as a pilot will be missed. Regardless, I always found comfort in knowing that he is now on a better place. He and his 72 virgins. " +33814,4,What do vaginas and jokes have in common? The amount of time I spend looking at them on Reddit. +33815,3,"A rabbi and two priests decide to go skinny dipping After they get out of the water some girls come towards them. Being naked and without enough time to get dressed the priests cover their dicks with their hands and the rabbi covers his face. After the girls pass them, one of the priests asks the rabbi. ""Why didn't you cover your privates?Have you no shame?"" The rabbi answers ""I don't know how you guys do it in your community but we recognize each other by face""" +33816,0,"Three lords walk into a tavern... ...a Stark, a Martell and a Lannister. They order ale, but then the barkeep brings them over, each of them finds a fly in his cup. The Lannister, outraged, shoves the cup aside and demands another. The Martell plucks the fly out and swallows it whole. The Stark reaches into his cup, pulls out the fly and shouts: ‘Spit it out, you wee shit! Spit it out!'" +33817,1,Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine? It's a family heirloom. +33818,2,Your mom is like a pile of bricks. Constantly getting laid by Mexicans. +33819,0,"Three wives discussing their husbands Three wives were sitting around sipping on wine and discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands. Said the first, ""My husband is such a slob, that he doesn't get out of the shower when he needs to pee!"" The second woman sipped her wine and then said, ""My husband is such a pig, he doesn't get out of the *bath*!"" They both turn to look at the third woman. And she says, ""My husband doesn't even get out of the Hyundai!""" +33820,0,I used to know a joke about lock picks The tension is killing me. +33821,0,Why did the computer made out of fence parts not work? It wouldn't POST. +33822,0,My lesbian neighbors gave me a rolex for my birthday I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....this joke get reposted every single friggin day. +33823,0,"Did you hear about the man who became a woman, then changed back to being a man? Yeah, it was tots redic. " +33824,0,"For Europeans, it's common to travel to bordering countries, but for Australians is such idea.. Avast!" +33825,2,What do you call a cannibal that doesn’t believe in himself? A cant-ibal +33826,1,"[NSFW] A family walks into a hotel... The dad being concerned about his kids asks the manager ""I hope you have disabled porn"". The manager stares at him for a while and replies. ""We only have regular porn here, YOU SICK FUCK.""" +33827,0,What kind of lock do detectives have? Sherlock +33828,0,"A wife of an alcoholic asks her husband ""Did you know, that in the amount of consumed alcohol per household, we are placed 2nd in this state's demographics?"" ""Well, what can I say... I'm trying my best to win!""" +33829,1,I like my women like I like my scotch... 19 years old and all mixed up in coke +33830,0,What do you call a brown cow? ...Just c-cow. +33831,2,what does a selfish cow say? meeeeeeeeee +33832,0,They're building an attraction on the Thames to celebrate Mary Poppins It's called the London umdiddleiddleumdiddle eye +33833,1,How do you give a lemon an orgasm? Tickle it's cit-er-us +33834,0,"What’s the difference between a Wild West highwayman, and a toll road? A lever-action and a bandana." +33835,2,What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy? Edit: Whoops wrong sub. +33836,0,Someone was told me that they were an actor. I told them I wanted coconut milk in my chai latte. +33837,0,"What's the difference between Patrick from SpongeBob SquarePants and the people of Kuwait? One lives under a rock, the others live under Iraq." +33838,1,I pranked my friend by coloring their face 3 different shades of blue in their sleep. huehuehue. +33839,2,"(Nsfw) Mickey’s divorce hearing Judge: So, Mr. Mouse, you say you’re divorcing your wife Minnie because she’s a little silly? Mickey: No, your honour, I said it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!" +33840,4,"A man goes to the dry cleaner’s and says, “Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?” Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again? Man: No, mustard." +33841,1,"What is a feminist's feeling when she gets ""threatened?"" Womenaced" +33842,1,Time flies like an arrow... And fruit flies like a banana +33843,3,After six months of marriage I now realize why my wife was so happy on our wedding day. She knew she had given her last blowjob +33844,2,"A single word can make a heart open. That word is ""scalpel.""" +33845,0,"Do you remember the Christmas tree with lights that blink when you scan a port on a server? They were going to do one for every time Facebook shared user data, but the lights just stayed on." +33846,1,Do you think that old ninja could still knock someone out with a throwing star? Shuriken +33847,0,My papercan is so full Now it's more like a paper cannot +33848,1,"Whatcha doin? ""Eatin chocolate."" ""Where'd you get it?"" ""A doggy dropped it."" ""Where'd he drop it?"" ""Behind the door."" ""What's he doing?"" ""Making more."" ;) My dad beats me every night" +33849,0,"Aliens finally visit Earth... Aliens suddenly show up on Earth. They ask to meet with the world leaders, and as they greet each one, they hold up a small black rectangle up over their eyes for about 3 seconds and smile, then move on to greet the next. After a while, one of the leaders asks, ""Why are you holding up the rectangle over your eyes?"" The aliens reply, ""We have been watching your species for several years, and whenever you come across another species from your planet, you do the same thing. We assumed it was the appropriate greeting."" The man is puzzled for a second but then remembers the smartphone in his pocket...." +33850,4,"What is mostly white, dull, and wants to be popular? This post." +33851,1,How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna ride our bicycles? +33852,3,"I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, ""I'll get on top."" I said, ""Great, I’ll get the ladder."" She said, ""You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"" " +33853,1,"Why do we tell actors to ""break a leg?"" Because every play has a cast." +33854,3,"Blonde Goes Horse Riding A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.  Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.  She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. " +33855,2,What is the difference between a circus and a strip club? One of them has a lot of cunning stunts and the other... +33856,4,What happens when you have unprotected phone sex? You get hearing AIDS +33857,3,How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know yet but it has to be more than eight because my basement is still dark. +33858,0,😂😂😂 +33859,0,"i got stopped for speeding recently.... the officer said ""do you know how fast you were going""? ME ""no officer sorry i lost track"". OFFICER ""88 miles an hour"". ME ""i was trying to get back to 1955"". " +33860,3,Knock Knock ...who's there? Smell mop Smell mop who? +33861,8,"Why are the twin towers and genders so similar? Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now." +33862,1,How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus? He went out on a lim. +33863,1,I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special. +33864,0,What's the difference between every redditor and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. +33865,6,"A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue Doctor: ""What happened?"" Woman: ""Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."" Doctor: ""I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."" Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: ""Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"" Doctor: ""You see how much keeping your fucking mouth shut helps?""" +33866,2,What do driving and dating have in common? Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast. +33867,0,Why do marine biologists have such a high job satisfaction rate? Because they find their work gives their lives a great deal of porpoise. +33868,2,Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly? The Wrong Brothers +33869,2,I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military... He was a kernel. +33870,0,"My job keeps asking me to sign up for a marathon. I keep telling them I can't. I'm out of shape, I have weak knees, and 401k is a long way to run." +33871,0,My Grandfather died in Auschwitz. He drank too much and fell off the guard tower. +33872,1,I hate porn. It gets in the way of my relationship with my left hand. +33873,1,Did you hear? About the joke with Oedipus and King Midas? It was mother fucking gold. +33874,0,"The Woods A bear and a rabbit are deep in the woods taking a poop. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks, ""Do you ever have any trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"" The rabbit responds, ""No, never."" So, the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with the rabbit. Moral of the story: Never answer questions from a bear taking a poop in the woods." +33875,0,What do you call a dead male mantis? An after thot. +33876,0,What do you call a ball gown is corporate logos on it An address. +33877,5,"Dave and his blunt Dave is sitting at home one day smoking a blunt. He smokes half of it, when all of a sudden he gets a heart attack and dies. When Dave gets into Heaven, he asks God if he could turn him into an insect so he can finish his weed. God agrees and turns Dave into a spider. Dave the spider finds himself on the ceiling right above the table with his blunt and is at a loss as to how to reach his weed. Dismayed, he begs to God. God replies, ""Strain as hard as you can, you will make the web and then you can descend to the table and grab the blunt."" So Dave the spider strains and strains and strains and makes a web. He crawls down his web when all of a sudden he reaches the end and stops. He calls out to God again, and God tells him to strain harder. So Dave the spider STRAINS AND STRAINS AND STRAINS AND STRAINS Then all of sudden he feels a hard jab on his side. ""Dave, wake the fuck up, you've shit the bed"" his wife says." +33878,5,[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han.... Tell Leia after they separated? ----- *May Divorce be with you.* +33879,1,Is it solipsistic in here? Or is it just me? +33880,0,"Movie Idea: Elong Thrust A super-rich-genius-hero, who, by day manufactures 10,000 electric cars that save the planet and by night shoots child sized spaceships out of his hyperloop to get kids to space camp." +33881,3,"Knock knock ""Who's there"" ""Dave"" ""Dave who?"" Dave proceeds to break down in tears as his mother's alzheimers tears his family apart" +33882,0,What's the difference between r/jokes and a horse with no legs? The horse isn't as lame Jk I love it here +33883,0,"I have CDO It's like obsessive compulsive disorder, only it's in alphabetical order as it should be." +33884,1,"Hobo fit, told to me by a 93 year old woman in a nursing home An old hobo is walking down a dry and dusty road asking the tracks when he comes by a lonely farm house. He's tired, hungry and thirsty so decides to knock on the door to see if he can get some water or food. The farmer's wife answers the door and sees the dirty character at her door and slams it in his face. The hobo knocks again but the woman yells for him to just go away, she has no time for him. The hobo is starting to get angry and says ""If you don't open this door, I'm going to have a hobo fit right here and now!"" The farmer's wife persists and insists he leave right away or she'll call the police. That was it for the hobo, he went into a full out hobo fit. He ripped the clothing off the clothesline. He grabbed the cat and pulled all of its hair out. He even found some paint and dumped it on the old donkey in the barn. The farmer's wife was aghast as she called the sheriff. The sheriff asked exactly what the hobo had done and so the farmer's wife responded ""He's pulled my panties down, pulled all the hair off my pussy and painted my ass red!"" " +33885,2,What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles +33886,6,"I like these kinds of jokes.. .. I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again -internet " +33887,0,Let me introduce you to bukkake: A lot of people stand around you and jerk off while pointing their penises at your face... ... you get the jizzed. +33888,0,I still love my ex-girlfriend I'm not pasta +33889,0,What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Polio +33890,2,What does Walmart and catholic priest have in common. They both have boys pants half off. +33891,2,I would die for shopping. I’m a Walmartyr. +33892,0,I accidentally filled my Escort with Diesel She died. +33893,0,My favorite movie plot twist... ...was when Leia turned out to be a skywalker. +33894,0,Whats a ghosts favorite number? 800 +33895,0,What do you call a lethal type of hereditary baldness? A receding heir-line. +33896,0,US Politics are Hillaryous. +33897,0,You know it gets better.. With thyme +33898,3,"What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago? ""WTF is Chicago?""" +33899,0,"Parents aren't supposed to bury their children. Heck, my mom was almost arrested for it!" +33900,2,"I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight. They asked, ""Window or aisle?"" After a moment, I replied, ""Or you'll what?""" +33901,0,I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it! +33902,1,How did the italian man die He pasta way +33903,1,"Man walks into an ice cream shop. A man walked into a small, locally-owned ice cream shop. So small, in fact, that the owner of the shop was working the counter that day. He had the following conversation with the owner; **Man:** Hi, I'd like a single scoop of chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone, and give me a whole bunch of sprinkles. **Shopowner:** One chocolate cone with a liberal helping of sprinkles coming right up. **Man:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want any damn liberal sprinkles. Bunch of politically-correct social justice warriors who want to take all my freedoms. **Shopowner:** Alright, well I can be a little more on the conservative side with the sprinkles if you'd prefer. **Man:** Nah, screw that. Those closed-minded bigots are trying to take all my freedoms with their government overreach. **Shopowner:** (annoyed but beginning to get an idea of the man's leanings) Well you sound real concerned about your freedoms. You wouldn't be a libertarian would you? **Man:** Yup. You got anything more along those lines? **Shopowner:** (thinking for a moment, and then getting an idea) Well you're annoying me and I own this private business, so why don't you just get the hell out? **Man:** (on his way out the door) Perfect." +33904,1,A way to tell the difference between an herbalist and a racist Ask them to unscramble the letters: iengrg +33905,1,I couldn't be happier! For the first time in my life a girl told me she loves me. Aren't moms great? +33906,2,Why does Stephen Hawking only use one liners? Because he can’t do stand-up +33907,0,"Do u know how much a chili pepper weighs? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh give it a weigh now" +33908,0,Elf Joke What do you call an Elf giving a blow job? A goblin. +33909,3,I may be willing to solve equations.. but graphing is where I draw the line! +33910,1,My Hispanic friend in the Navy is allergic to tofu He’s a no soy marinero +33911,3,Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot? It was out of hand. +33912,2,"I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him ""Are you a Pole Vaulter?"" He answered ""Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?""" +33913,1,"A little boy asks his mom: ""Is it true we have organs in our body?"" ""Of course, darling!"" replies the mother. ""Then I think I have a problem: one pipe is sticking out!""" +33914,0,"Australian Couple on Honeymoon. An Australian couple, Steve and Shelia were on the first night of their Honeymoon when Shelia slipped and split her Pussy, Steve didn't know what to do, so he called his best mate Bruce and explained what had happened, Bruce replied ""Bummer Mate"" Steve said I didn't think of that, cheers Bruce I owe you a Beer." +33915,0,What does everyone else do that you don’t? Have sex with your mom +33916,0,What do you call a cookie for prostitutes? Whoreos. +33917,0,Holiday rocks Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned. Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned. +33918,4,"Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night. Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, ""Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."" The second nun looks up and says, ""This one does!""" +33919,3,What happens when the pope dies? Another popes up! +33920,2,"How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch, silly!" +33921,1,"A programmer's wife told him, ""Go and buy some eggs, and while you're out, buy some milk, too."" He hasn't come back." +33922,2,"I like my women the way I like my coffee Light and sweet, but with lots of fucked up behind the scenes things that had to happen in order to produce them." +33923,3,"A guy goes into a bar for a drink He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, ""hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "" He raises an eyebrow and replies ""anything?"" She nods ""anything!"" He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to her. Then he says ""paint my house.""" +33924,0,"What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them." +33925,4,People laughed when I said I wanted to become a comedian Well they're not laughing now +33926,0,The darkness in me honors the darkness in you. Damnaste. +33927,1,Earnest: May I be Frank with you? Frank: Ernest why do you need my name? +33928,3,What’s small than a teeny weeny fly? A fly’s teeny weeny!! My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it! +33929,3,knock. knock knock. knock knock knock. knock knock knock knock knock. knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there? Fibonacci. +33930,1,"A boy told his father.. - Dad at school everyday they call me the Mafia boy. - Well, i will pass through your school to sort it out. - Ok, but make it look like an accident!" +33931,0,"I had never had a surgery so I was totally scared... The surgeon tried to reassure me, ""This is really a low risk procedure. Don't worry. In fact, your are more likely to die from the anesthesia.""" +33932,0,While it's technically correct that muslims have 72 virgins waiting for them in heaven... they still only get one girl apiece. +33933,1,"A lawyer stopped by a sheriff A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, ""License and registration, please."" Lawyer says, ""What for?"" Deputy says, "" You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."" Lawyer says, ""I slowed down, and no one was coming."" Deputy says, ""You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."" Lawyer says, ""What's the difference?"" Deputy says, ""The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"" Lawyer says, ""If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."" Deputy says, ""Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."" At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, ""Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" +33934,0,"I woke up on the table in the middle of my heart surgery. The nurse just said, “maybe cardiology isn’t for you.” " +33935,1,"A man and his wife are at a bar “Do you see that drunken man over there at the end of the bar?” Asks the wife. “Yes, what about him?” The husband replies. “He proposed to me 10 years ago!” Exclaims the wife. The husband chuckles, “Ah, so he’s still celebrating then.”" +33936,1,A man died after a taco eating contest. Do you know how many tacos he ate? Not enough. +33937,1,What is a pirate's least favorite letter? U. Because u keep reposting this joke. +33938,1,Would you like to try Ethiopian food? So would they +33939,1,A rabbi slipped during a circumcision... ...he got the sack. +33940,2,Who hits Houston harder? Bobby Brown or Hurricane Harvey. ~Probably too soon. +33941,5,I like my women like I like my coffee... Imported for dirt cheap from third-world countries. +33942,2,What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop. +33943,1,"I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks. When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot." +33944,0,Where does one watch the House of Cards? C-SPAN +33945,0,Imagine there was a government agency called Planned Parenthood that euthanized old racists. +33946,2,Did you hear about the masturbating Chinese brothers? Their names were Lo Shin and Ti Shoo +33947,0,Why do prostitutes like lepers? They always leave a tip. +33948,1,Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you +33949,0,"Beer to Bears in Bars in Boise A bear walks into a bar in Boise, bellies up to the bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."" To which the bear replies gruffly, ""If you don't give me a beer, I'm warning you, I'll maul that woman who's standing down there at the end of the bar."" Bartender says, ""I don't care what you do, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise, there's an ordinance against it."" So the bear jumps up, storms to the end of the bar, mauls the woman, comes back and roars, ""NOW GIVE ME THAT BEER!"" Bartender says, ""I'll tell you this one last time, we don't serve bears beers in bars in Boise, especially to bears on drugs!"" To which the bear shrieks, ""What?!! I'm not on drugs! What makes you think I'm on drugs?"" Bartender says, ""Well you are now! That was a barbituate..."" //snare/drum roll ;-)" +33950,1,Why couldn't the butter quit his gambling addiction? HE WAS ON A ROLL! +33951,0,"The Asian Doctor's father was very upset about everything that's happened on the United Airlines flight... When he heard about the beating, he asked, ""Beating?!? Why no A-ting??"" " +33952,0,What does a porn star from Thailand do? Bangkok +33953,2,"A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway… A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the gesture about eight more times. At the ninth time, he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, to which she replies that it's not possible because they can't chew them with their dentures and old teeth. ""Why do you buy them then?"" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers, ""We just love the chocolate around them.""" +33954,0,What place has the most bodybuilders? Flexico +33955,0,"[Phone Conversation] Hi, would you be interested to buy insurance? I remember this from some movie… I don’t remember which one. If someone knows kindly put it down the title as reply. *\\[Phone Conversation\\]* **Marketer:** Hi, would you be interested to buy insurance? **Person:** Hey. I’m a bit busy, can I call you back later about this? **Marketer:** Sorry sir, this number doesn't take incoming calls. **Person:** Oh.. Well can I get your home number so I can call you later about this? **Marketer:** No, that wouldn’t be possible. **Person:** Why? You don’t like people calling you up when your at home, do you? **Marketer:** Yes. **Person:** So now you know how it feels. \\* drops call \\*" +33956,4,How Do Rednecks Celebrate Halloween? They Pump Kin. +33957,0,Why are all cops virgins? Because they still have their cherries!! +33958,0,I always take plesure from the small things in life. That's why I fuck children +33959,1,What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph.......because it's not the full essay. +33960,1,What were the yoga instructor's last words when he got electrocuted? Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm... +33961,2,What did the two brothers say when they were separated at a Western Australian airport? We were separated at Perth. +33962,0,Why did the dog cross the road To get the pussy on the other side +33963,1,What currency do Jewish ogres use? Shrekels. +33964,2,"Can February march??? No, but April may." +33965,0,"If two lovers in Alabama were to marry, who would get the other's surname? It doesn't matter, it would stay the same either way." +33966,0,"Went to my first Mormon baptism, the kid has the deed done in the “baptismal font”. I look at my future father in law (kid is his grand daughter) and say: That’s a nice font but I prefer Times New Roman. " +33967,2,"Why does mexico not have a olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in the US." +33968,1,Where in internet can you find adele? Deep web. She's usually rolling in there. +33969,4,"Women only call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor. " +33970,2,Yo mama's so fat If she ever fell over she would prove the flat earth society correct. +33971,1,What do Chinese people call their marijuana edibles? Pot stickers +33972,1,We're celebrating Thanksgiving the old fashioned way at my place this year By inviting our neighbors over to eat and then killing them and taking their land +33973,1,How can you tell if a clock is hungry? it goes back 4 seconds +33974,1,Why did saint peter call a podiatrist? Because something was wrong with heavens gait +33975,0,Why is everyone on Reddit so smart? Because they've Reddit. +33976,2,Why is Chris Christie always linty? Because he's in Trump's pocket. +33977,4,That's the problem with writing books about suicide techniques ... you only get negative reviews. +33978,0,"A guy helps an old nun across the street. A guy helps an old nun across the street. The nun replies ""thank you very much, young man!"" Whereupon the guy responds ""No problem Batman’s friends are my friends!"" " +33979,2,A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus. +33980,0,What do you call it when a bad joke gets reposted on Reddit for no other reason than for show? The old repunzzle +33981,0,How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? At least not 3 because my basement is still dark... +33982,2,What do you call a lizard that reposts old jokes everyday? Karmachameleon. +33983,4,I've just had a once in a lifetime experience. I won't be doing that again. +33984,0,Do you know that a good typist would be a bad goalkeeper in soccer? Because they are generally nerds and don’t do sport. +33985,6,"When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed My name, my address, my phone number" +33986,1,What do you call a cereal box full of snakes? Honey Bunches of nopes +33987,0,"Two gay deer walk out of a gay bar and one turns to the other and says, ""Man, I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there!""" +33988,4,What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre +33989,0,"A man walks into a bra... Then he tells the woman, ""I'm so sorry, I'm dyslexic.""" +33990,0,"Pour the wine and.... A coupled had been married for many years, and hadn't been paying much attention to one another. Eventually they decided to try and be romantic with one another again, so one night they get ready. They both freshen up, and the wife puts on some lingerie she bought. When the husband enters the bedroom to see her dressed up, he is pleasantly surprised. He held up two wine glasses full of wine and said, ""I poured the wine."" He made his way over to his wife lying on the bed. Suddenly he crinkled his nose in disgust and said, ""What's that smell!?"" His wife smiled and said, ""I cut the cheese.""" +33991,0,I like my women like I like my math tests: Short and easy. +33992,4,"Three friends decide to go on a hiking trip... But they get lost in the wilderness and wander around for hours. They stumble upon some strange tracks in the forest. The first friend says, ""These are moose tracks!"" The second friend says, ""No, these are clearly bear tracks!"" The third friend however did not get a chance to say anything as he is run over by a train. " +33993,5,What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta? It turns into a Ford Focus. +33994,0,Marshawn Lynch came back to play for the month of October. Breast Mode +33995,2,How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim? He was glad he ate her. +33996,1,The chief designer of the Titanic had a lisp... That's unthinkable! +33997,2,"I found an ATM receipt that had a balance of $441,180.03. I took it home, photocopied it several times onto receipt paper. Now every time I see a hot girl at the bank, I 'accidentally' drop my balance receipt so she picks it up for me. You should see the look of desire that flashes in their eyes for that brief moment. Before I call her a gold digging whore, and drive away in my 10 year old pickup truck." +33998,1,"I got in an argument with a bowler I got in an argument with a bowler about who's life is harder, and he told me that I should walk a mile in his shoes. I told him he wears those rental shoes, I'm sure I have." +33999,1,My Ex Tiffany Edit:oh sorry I meant to post this to r/showerthoughts +34000,0,Soccer made easy for everyone Why Harry Kane scores with great efficiency and reliability ? Because he is a hurricane for the enemy defence . +34001,0,What do you call it when a guy secretly puts Viagra in his GF's drink? ED-otic +34002,6,I'm the kind of guy that knows what every woman really wants Pockets. Women want fully functional pockets. +34003,1,How do you know your in a lesbians house? No studs. It's all tongue and groove +34004,0,Swords I'm 100% swords are not say for most work places. +34005,1,We know that God made us assholes. +34006,1,A man walks into a bar and says “Ow!” +34007,2,What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing. +34008,0,If a girl mocks me and says “at least take me on a date first” I’m taking her to smash burger If a girl mocks me and says “at least take me on a date first” I’m taking her to smash burger +34009,0,What do Spanish terrorists scream? Hola-huackbar +34010,2,"Went to the vitamin shoppe for some energy supplements..... And the sales rep is telling me about b vitamins, he goes : ""You got your b-12 your b-6, have you taken these vitamins previously ""? I asked: ""You mean like b-4""?" +34011,2,"A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall... After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity.. Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a spot.. Man : OKAY, Nevermind I found one..!!" +34012,1,I for one... ... love Roman numerals +34013,1,"A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”" +34014,2,"I just ordered a Chinese takeaway I just ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!" +34015,1,Two people want to have sex but have a dilemma A boyfriend and his girlfriend wanted to have sex but the problem was that the boy shared a bunk bed with his brother where he was on top. He said to his girlfriend that they should pretend they are making sandwiches. Tomato is code for faster and cheese is code for slower. The night comes and they do it with the brother on the bottom bunk. The boyfriend shouted cheese! Cheese! The girlfriend shouted tomato! Tomato! And the little brother said guys stop making sandwiches the mayonnaise is going everywhere! +34016,8,"A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, ""What can I do for you?"" The man said, ""Will you watch us have sex?"" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, ""There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,"" and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, ""Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"" ""We're not trying to find out anything,"" the husband replied. ""She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare." +34017,3,The 3 unwritten rules in life 1. 2. 3. +34018,1,Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed... ... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs +34019,0,Why are black people so attractive? They steal your heart. +34020,0,"A f**k is flying in the sky[nsfw] A fuck is flying in the sky. He sees a train and yells “Train is fucked!”. The train is now fucked. He sees a city and yells “city is fucked!”. The entire city is now fucked. He flies further and sees a tower standing by itself. He yells ”tower is fucked!”. The tower is still there like it was before. He tries again with all his might, but the tower is unaffected by it. He now sees it as a threat to the authority of flying fucks, so he takes his hate of the tower to social media. After gathering all the flying fucks in the world to fight this tower, they arrive and discover that yelling “tower is fucked” together yields no results. So they invite the Grand Old Flying Fuck and his wife as the last attempt to ensure tower is fucked. They arrive and join hands and yell “tower is fucked!!” and yet it stands. Surprised, they decide to fly closer to it and find out why the tower is still not fucked. They fly to the top floor, the old fuck’s wife wipes the dusty window with a cloth. And there they see Trump drinking tea." +34021,0,I just scrubbed the carpet for the first time in a year... I really need a new toothbrush. +34022,0,"A transsexual, a tumblrina, and an owl-kin walk into a bar. Xhe orders a drink." +34023,2,Why does 4 have bad breath Because he ate ⅓ +34024,3,A joke but only anti-vax kids get it. Polio +34025,2,"Asking her to the dance. So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy, but he decides to bite the bullet and just call her. He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. ""Pick me up at seven,"" she says. ""Oh joyous day!"" says Jerry. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants-- nothing works. Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He's all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face. " +34026,0,"Remember when Budweiser made their own pumpkin beer? Well, they tried to. But it got squashed!" +34027,6,Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100? Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat. +34028,1,Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia? God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. +34029,4,My girlfriend is slightly off the rails. I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time. +34030,4,What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi +34031,1,What do you get when you eat bad pizza? pizzarrhea +34032,0,"Hey guys I wanted to ask a question I'm new here to reddit and wanted to know what kappa meant, I see it at the end of a lot of sentences and I have no Idea what it means, thanks. Kappa" +34033,2,My little Hamster is such a laugh!! He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ... *DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave. +34034,1,Why is Greek food so fatty? Greece. +34035,2,What is the secret to staying thin? Minimum wage. +34036,2,My son yells out potty jokes in class We’re afraid he has toilettes’ syndrome +34037,1,This year's Feline Rear of the Year award ceremony went horribly wrong It was a cat ass trophy +34038,2,I would tell you a chemistry joke... ...But all the good ones argon. +34039,1,"I went to the doctors recently He said:""Don't eat anything fatty. "" I said:""what, like bacon and burgers? "" He said:""No. Fatty don't eat anything.""" +34040,2,"A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage. Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid" +34041,0,cutting up the hooker What's the difference between a hooker and an onion? You won't cry when you're cutting up the hooker. +34042,1,What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad +34043,1,"Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby” I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”" +34044,1,Life is like a kite Sometimes you get zapped by lightning +34045,2,"An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA. The American guy is saying: ""I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."" An American Indian bends from the next table and says: ""Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once""" +34046,0,"I thanked my Spanish hitman today I was hoping for a ""Your welcome"". Instead he reminded me to keep my mouth shut." +34047,0,What is common between my ex-wife and my last job? They don't suck anymore. +34048,0,"A guy orders a pizza.. And he asks for one with everything but without anchovies, he just hates anchovies. The pizza man says “Oh that’s ok sir, we don’t have anchovies anyhow”. So the customer asks him “Do you have any olives?” and the pizza guy replies “Yeah sure, we got olives”. So the customer says “Ok then give me one without olives”." +34049,1,"When given the option, always go for apple juice. O.J will kill ya. " +34050,3,"DONT READ IF EASLY OFFENDED THIS IS A BAD ONE... My 6-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning... He said, ""What are you doing daddy?"" ""It's called wanking,"" I replied. ""You'll be doing this soon."" ""Why, daddy?"" he asked. ""Because my arm is fucking killing me.""" +34051,0,How do you call a boomerang that won‘t return? A stick. +34052,1,They say that coffee is like my sense of humor. It’s an acquired taste. +34053,6,If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head It's capsized. +34054,0,"Someone asked me to record an impression of Jacob Sartorius.... Sorry, but I don't want to fart into my microphone. " +34055,10,"You shouldn't see any horror movie today It May, Fri 10 you Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the reminders. Really wanted to post this at the start of the day." +34056,0,"Doctor visiting the Patient Patient : hey why do you have a suppository on your ear ? Doctor : Dame, where did my pen go ? " +34057,6,I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I just have beer +34058,0,So there was this guy who posted a joke on Reddit about their injured cat. I asked if it was feline okay. +34059,0,Did you hear about the new Hitler documentary? I did Nazi it yet +34060,2,It's raining cats and dogs outside. I stepped in a poodle. +34061,4,I made a salad yesterday. It wasn't very good. So I tossed it. +34062,0,When You're Kissing with You're Honey... and her nose is kinda runny. She thinks it's kinda funny but it's not. +34063,1,What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama? Biographers. +34064,0,What do you call Kevin Durant's brand of sneakers? Snakers. +34065,0,Where does Fred Weasley shop? Forever 21 +34066,2,Congrats to Gaston on his award! The No-Belle Prize. +34067,1,What did the debtor say to the repo man? Leave me alone. +34068,2,What do you call a Trump supporter on a Friday night? A bad person +34069,0,R/askreddit: What small things in life make big difference? R/jokes: Compound Interest. +34070,0,What do you call a man with no shin? Tony. +34071,0,"Parachute for sale.. My husband used it only once, never opened.." +34072,7,I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence. Can anyone here give me some tips? I was told you guys are the best at reposting. +34073,1,Why was Donald Trump banned from entering Vietnam? They didn't want any more experiences with Agent Orange. +34074,1,"Five million, three hundred and eighteen thousand, and eight. Put in in a calculator and flip it upside-down." +34075,2,"a couple is going through a divorce The mom makes a big fuss, saying she absolutely HAS to keep the son. The dad asks ""Why?"" ""Because I gave birth to him!"" The man thinks for a while and finally says ""If I put money into a soda vending machine, is the soda mine or the machine's?""" +34076,3,What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags? A Pillow Fight +34077,4,"A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake. The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, ""This is a library, ma'am."" So the blonde leans in and whispers, ""Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake.""" +34078,1,Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins one-two-three-cat wins une-deux-trois-cat-cinq +34079,3,By telling the punchline first How do you fuck up a joke? +34080,1,What is the best gift for a hypochondriac? Free Healthcare +34081,6,"Two Jews meet in a NY subway a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. ""Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"" Moshe replied, ""I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"" " +34082,1,"Two antennas met at the roof. They fall in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't that much, But the reception was excellent...." +34083,7,Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. That's what most Christians do anyways. +34084,0,Have you ever had SEX while camping? I heard it's Fucking in tents! +34085,1,I don't drink any more. Or any less. +34086,1,I only have one positive trait... HIV +34087,5,I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is. Maybe Alaska. +34088,3,A doctor is talking to a patient. P: Am I going to be okay? D: You're as healthy as a horse- P: YAY! D: -with cancer. +34089,0,"one stovetop says to the other: *""you're looking kinda hot. in fact,you're turning me on. i can't take this heat.""*" +34090,0,We've all heard of chlorophyll What about chloroBOB? +34091,2,"More Tea! An old Native American Chief was meeting with some Colonists for the first time. He welcomes then into his teepee and the meeting begins. As a show of good faith they offered him some tea and he absolutely loved it! The meetings conclude and the Colonists leave him some extra tea so he can enjoy it after they left. The old chief enjoyed it so much he called for his wife, ""Squaw, more tea!"" and she brought him some more tea. About an hour goes by and calls to her again, ""Squaw, more tea!"". This goes on late into the night. ​ The next day they found him drowned in his teepee." +34092,5,"A radio station is having a contest Any caller who can come up with a word the DJ can't find in the dictionary wins the prize. They have to spell it and use it in a sentence. After many calls and many failed attempts, someone finally has one. ""Thanks for calling 105.3! What's your word caller?"". ""Goan, spelled G-O-A-N."" After scouring the dictionary the DJ comments ""Wow, good job. Now use it in a sentence"". ""Goan fuck yourself!"" exclaims the caller. The DJ hangs up. ""Unfortunately for that caller, he is disqualified. So the search is still on"". Again, many calls and many failed attempts. Finally, a word. ""Thanks for calling 105.3. What's your word caller?"". ""Smee. Spelled S-M-E-E"". Looking through the dictionary, finding nothing the DJ replies ""Alright, use it in a sentence"". ""SMEE AGAIN, GOAN FUCK YOURSELF!""" +34093,0,"A black man and a white man go into a bakery The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the white, ""See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."" The white man says to the black man, ""That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."" The owner immediately calls the police and arrests both the guys. He then asks the black man to empty his pockets. His warez are discovered and both the white and black men are charged for stealing. The white man is surprised and asks ""how the hell did you know I was going to perform this trick?"" The owner replies, ""because I read this joke every fucking day on this sub""." +34094,0,i made a joke about net neutrality americans didn't get it +34095,0,"Drunkard in trouble with his wife After several nights of getting very drunk his wife says ""if you come home drunk again I'm leaving you."" The next night he heads off to the pub and gets very drunk again and throws up all over himself. He says to his friend that he can't go home because his wife said if he comes home drunk then she's leaving him. His friend says ""no no, here is what you do. Put $20 in your jacket pocket, go home and tell your wife that someone else threw up all over you, take out the $20 and explain that the guy gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill"" So the guy goes home and his wife goes off on him. He reaches into his pocket and says ""no no, someone else threw up all over me and gave me $20 for dry cleaning"". She says ""why do you have two 20 dollar bills in your hand?"" He says ""oh this one is from the man who shat in my pants""" +34096,1,What does Uncle Vernon from Harry Potter not do on Reddit? Post on Sundays. +34097,6,I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States. +34098,0,What do the colors in the Spanish flag stand for? Red: awesome beaches. Yellow: paella Blue: work ethic +34099,0,"My father-in-law just texted me this, he was pretty proud of himself. If a butt dial originates from your ass pocket, does a crank call happen when your phone is in the front?" +34100,0,So I was walking down the road and some girl started having a stroke I told her to keep her hands to her damn herself! +34101,2,I'm organizing a class action lawsuit against Huggies and Pampers. Their diapers never hold the 22-37 pounds they advertise. +34102,1,They always talk about Mississippi .....but what about Mr. Issippi? +34103,1,Why couldn’t the African-American get his PhD? Because he couldn’t get past his masters... +34104,1,Why is the sand at the beach Wet? because the sea weed. +34105,0,What do you call a psychic midget on the run? A Small Medium at Large +34106,1,Why can't the blonde call 911? Because she can't find the '11' button on the phone. +34107,2,"A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty building they think is empty. They see two people go in and after several hours, they see three people leave. The biologist says: ""They must have procreated."" the physicist says: ""Our initial assumption about the building must have been incorrect."" the mathematician says: ""If one more person enters that building, it'll be empty again.""" +34108,2,I was asked who my favorite x-men was. I guess Caitlyn Jenner wasn't a good answer +34109,3,Who's a gamers favourite Asian Lo Ping +34110,0,"Took my wife to a rap concert last night. I took my wife to a rap concert last night. She was really into it, we even got up next to the stage. Things were going great until the rapper tripped and fell right on top of her. Kinda ruined the evening for her, but you know what they say: Into every wife a Lil Wayne must fall." +34111,0,I like my women like i like my chocolate With nuts +34112,0,What Do You Call A Gay Dinosaur? A Tear-Anus-Sore-Ass. +34113,2,"What did the psychiatrist say to the man who showed up wearing nothing but Saran Wrap? “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”" +34114,2,How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Rearranged the furniture +34115,0,I often hear people say 'You are what you eat'.. Does that mean all pornstars are 'gender fluid'? +34116,0,There was a superhero named Richman he had Purchasing Power +34117,2,"Doctors And Attorneys Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, ""I think I'll get up and grab a Coke."" ""No problem,"" said the doctor, ""I'll get it for you."" While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the doctor's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, ""That looks good. I think I'll have one too."" Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. ""How long must this go on?"" he asked. ""This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?""" +34118,3,Why aren’t aliens going to visit our solar system? They looked at the reviews. Only one star. +34119,3,"There was a famous Mexican magician. His name was Gustavo. His signature trick is he would say ""Uno, dos,"" and *poof*! He would disappear without a tres." +34120,1,"My psychologist subjected me to a Rorschach test I don't recall our conversation in detail, but it went something like this: \\- How would you describe this image? \\- It looks like two people having sex. \\- I see. How would you describe this picture? \\- It looks like two people having sex. \\- Er, okay. How would you describe this picture? \\- It looks like two people having sex. \\- I see. Right. And how would you describe this picture? \\- It looks like two people having sex. Hard. \\- Uh, I see. And this picture is ... ? \\- It's two people having sex. \\- So, going forward to this picture, what does it look like? \\- It looks like two people having sex. ... (pause) \\- I think you may have a fixation on sexual issues. \\- **I** focus on sex?! You're asking that after showing me all of those dirty pictures?!" +34121,0,"Prabowo Sebut Ibu Pertiwi Diperkosa, ini Penjelasan BPN " +34122,1,Old time astrologist are like feminist. They all think they are the center of the universe. +34123,0,What kind of apple grows on a tree? All of them! +34124,2,"Two white guys, stranded in a desert, with no food or water see a tall majestic building. The scorching sun sure isn’t making their journey easier. The first guy recognises this structure and says “Hey Bill, this is a mosque!” - to which Bill replies, “John, you think they’ll be hospitable and give us food and shelter” “I don’t know Bill, but we’re desperate and we need to find a way to survive” “I have an idea - Let’s change our names to Muslim names so they can offer us help! My face ain’t so white anymore from all that sand! For today, I’m Mohamed” Bill and John walk towards the mosque. They are greeted by an elderly man with a kind face and a gentle smile. “Salam-Walaikum my friends, what brings you here?” Bill quickly replies “We lost our way and we need help.” “Of course! We are happy to help!” said the old man, “but first I must know your names” John says “This is Mohamed, and I’m John” They are welcomed by the old man and his many relatives. They are provided with a cold bath and a change of clothes. Famished, Bill had been waiting for some hot food for a while now. He walked over to John’s room and noticed platters and platters of food. He walks over to the old man and subtly says “wow John’s sure getting his mouth stuffed”. The old man replies “not a problem for us my Friend Mohamed - after all Ramadan Mubarak!”" +34125,2,"A Blonde is pulled over for speeding The cop taps on the window and asks for her licence, ""Sorry sir i left it in my gym shorts"" Telling her to wait he walks back to his cruiser and radios in, ""It wouldn't happen to be a blonde driving a red mustang would it?"" They radioed back ""Yeah it is actually, why do you ask?"" ""this is the fifth time today she's been pulled over, go back to her window and drop your pants, Trust me"" So the officer scratching his head walks to the window and drops his trousers. ""Oh crap not another Breath test!""" +34126,5,I put my root beer in a square cup Now it is just beer +34127,3,"Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older." +34128,0,What did the Joker say when his spring allergies kicked in? WHY SO AERIUS ???? +34129,2,"A marine and the call girl. After a long tour of duty in Afghanistan, a U.S. Marine gets some well earned R&R state side. Seeing as he hasn't been with a woman for quite a while he decides to have a call girl meet him at a motel. Once the girl arrives she suggests they get naked and get into bed, as the Marine strips off the girl notices that he's well hung and comments on it. The Marine replies ""As a United States Marine I have to be in tip top condition and ready to obey any order given to me"" the Marine then looks at his dick and barks ""Marine stand to attention"" suddenly his dick stands straight up. The call girl is very impressed by this but the Marine isn't finished, he looks down at his stiff dick and yells ""Marine at ease"" and his dick goes limp again. The girl is completely amazed by this and asks him to do it again, the Marine barks ""Marine stand to attention"" and once again his dick stands straight up. Then he yells ""Marine at ease"" but his dick stays up, the Marine is shocked at this and screams at his dick ""Marine I said at ease"" still his dick stands straight up. The Marine grabs hold of his dick and starts pulling on it hard and fast, the girl cries out for him to stop but the Marine says ""I'm sorry ma'am but this Marine is getting a dishonorable discharge""." +34130,2,How do you avoid bats flying into your face? Don't go to baseball games. +34131,4,"Can't take a vacation.. \\- I can't go on a long vacation because of my work. \\- Oh, I'm sure they can manage without you for a week. \\- Exactly! That's what I don't want them to discover." +34132,2,We only use 10% of our brain at any given time. Imagine what we could do if we used 100%! We only use 10% of our keyboard at any given time. Imagine what we could do if we -m0c918urpaweo8r nxym pqfkw8ef}cqj9p34f8m[nybh4nxh|f9f80923-r12c=r32u1m. +34133,1,"Tickets to the Kentucky derby are 1100$ If I wanted to spend 1100$ for two minutes of action, I'd hire a prostitute. " +34134,0,What do people in Arkansas do for Halloween? Pump kin. +34135,4,"My grandfather was a great man, he went down in history One time he also fingered a girl in Geography" +34136,5,"How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now..." +34137,2,Donald Trump does not tell lies. He said everyone would be covered under his Healthcare plan. He just forgot to mention that the poor would be covered by 6 feet of dirt. +34138,7,What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife... The knife has a point. +34139,0,Which superhero has the most money at home? Captain Zimbabwe +34140,0,"Smaug and Spyro go to the movies... the movie is really boring, so Spyro says to Smaug: ''How much longer will this drag-on!?''" +34141,1,What do you call 25 Mike Pence clones in a room with Donald Trump? ... Quarter pounder with cheese. (Think British currency here) +34142,0,"Three people walk into a pro-vax comedy bar James and Jane brought their anti-vax cousin Jenny to a pro-vax comedy bar to get humiliated. James and Jane were laughing at the jokes and having a good time. They looked at Jenny and to their surprise, Jenny was laughing too. As the jokes went on, the comedian told the same joke twice. James was confused and wondered if the comedian had already forgotten that they had told the same joke already. James nudged Jenny: ""Haven't we heard that joke already?"" Suddenly, the entire audience stood up, pointed to James, and said ""Found the anti-vaxxer!"" And they threw James out. After 30 minutes, it became clear that the comedy consisted of nothing but repeats. After the 10th repetition of a particularly bad joke, Jane groaned. The entire audience stood up, pointed to Jane, and said ""Found the anti-vaxxer!"" And they threw Jane out. James and Jane stood outside the comedy bar, wondering why they were thrown out even though they were pro-vax. They needed to take Jenny home, but she was still inside. That's okay, they said, because they will eventually throw Jenny out because she is actually anti-vax. 3 hours later, the bar finally closed, and Jenny came out with the owner of the bar. Asking the speaker why they didn't throw Jenny out, the speaker replied ""Why should I throw her out? She's alright. She laughed the hardest out of all of the audience. She's one of us."" Jenny replied: ""I was laughing at you, not with you."" EDIT: typo" +34143,1,Lasagna is one of the easiest meals to make... It's a pizza cake. +34144,2,5 friends new to the business world asked a consultant of what to do with their money. The consultant told them to buy a taxi as it is a good business and since they are 5 they can have it run for many hours and days. The 5 friends bought a taxi and started the work. A month later they had really bad numbers. So they decided to go back to the consultant again. They asked him: why are we not gaining money; is it the place we operate in? Is it the time? The consultant asked them: how are you managing the taxi? So one guy said: two in front and three at the back. +34145,1,What does a straight man and spaghetti have in common? They are both straight until it gets hot. +34146,0,"You are so hairy... That If I threw you in a Gorilla pit, the zookeepers wouldn't know which one to shoot." +34147,0,"A man falls unconscious on a plane... A man falls unconscious on a plane, the stewardess asks: ""Who here is a doctor?"" A man raises his hand and he was quickly led to the unconscious man. A while later, he stood up and declared loudly: ""He wasn't murdered!"" Hint:^He ^has ^a ^doctorate ^in ^forensic ^sciences!" +34148,0,I just found the best joke ever... All the polls that predicted Hillary winning by double digits. +34149,1,I like my women like I like my coffee. ... Quiet. +34150,4,My friend told me to visit the chiropractor and I was sceptical at first... ...but now I stand corrected. +34151,0,Why was the cat surprised by the young chicks? Because she heard their fowl language! +34152,0,Reporter: How would you say Dallas's season went this year? Dak: A Crosby tween good and bad. +34153,3,"What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them." +34154,8,"A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” ""Because…He’s my newt. Edit: thank you for the Silver!!" +34155,5,This is gonna be a really long one. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee +34156,2,"More gay jokes A wizard walked into a gay bar, and disappeared with a poof" +34157,0,the chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? +34158,2,What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon? 10% off. +34159,0,What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? The boy scout made it out of camp. +34160,0,What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from a midget? They're always at head-height. +34161,2,"A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend. A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend, Wendy, so he decides to get her name tattooed on his penis. After it heals he shows her the work. She says ""But it just says W Y."" ""Play with it a bit.."" Sure enough he gets hard and she can see her name spelled out clear as day. The next week he goes to the gym. In the shower he runs into another gentlemen and can't help but notice he too has ""W Y"" tattooed on his member. ""Let me guess, your girlfriend is named Wendy too?"" ""Nah mon, me work in tourism and it say Welcome to Jamaica mon, hope you enjoy your stay""" +34162,1,I can always rely on my wife to help keep me grounded I'm never allowed out. +34163,7,Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in +34164,0,"Have you seen the clown that hides from gay people? Edward asked. ""No, why?"" Timothy asks back" +34165,3,Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things. +34166,1,"Heard a co-worker talking about Infinity War in the office. Told her to be careful about spoilers, someone might snap at her." +34167,1,What more painful than giving birth ? Peeing with a boner +34168,3,Anal Sex is a lot like your first car You don't really want it but your step Dad gives it to you anyways. +34169,4,"Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries. They decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff. Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says ""Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"" Putin lets him go. Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says ""Please Putin, I have a wife and children!""" +34170,0,Q. Why did the gynecologist had a moist nose? A. He was short sighted. +34171,1,"I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy harrassing a woman while standing on my watch. I was so mad I walked straight over there and punched him in the nose. Nobody treats a woman like that, not on my watch." +34172,1,I once tried to tell a joke about this time I had a stillbirth I had problems with the delivery. +34173,2,"I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner! Then I realized, I was just watching the news. " +34174,1,If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? STUPID. +34175,4,My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do. +34176,2,"I used to have the best pick up line. I'd get an escort right to their bedroom most of the time. And after spending a few hours in their bedroom with them, they would even pay me for doing such an amazing job. I miss telling people ""I can fix your computer.""" +34177,8,The price of oil has dropped so far that... Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen. +34178,0,"What country contains the most angry people? ""Ire""-Land" +34179,4,What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman. +34180,3,How do you make a cat go woof? A gallon a of gas and some matches. +34181,0,"You hear the one about the kid in Las Vegas? He asks his dad, ""Pop, why can't I go out in the street and play football and baseball like the other kids?"" And his father says, ""Keep dealing.""" +34182,1,Germans don't understand anti-vaxxers. They don't get why anyone would be opposed to protecting their car's paint job. +34183,2,"Two guys were chatting in the bar ""So how'd it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"" ""Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"" ""Shame. Why'd she do so?"" ""I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon.""" +34184,0,"The interrupting cow says... Mooooove Bitch!, get out the way " +34185,4,Your momma's so fat Thanos had to clap +34186,3,Why do people love working at yogurt factories? Because of the culture! +34187,0,"A guy in France is sent by his wife to buy a dozen snails at the market... His wife warns him ""I don't want you to stop at the bar on your way home! I want you to go to the market, buy the snails and then come straight home just after. You always find an excuse to get drunk, not this time if you know what's good for you!"" The guy agrees, takes his basket and goes to the market. On his way home, he passes in front of the bar. What the hell, he thinks, if I just take one drink the wife will never know. A dozen drinks later he realizes the night has fallen. Shit, he thinks, the wife is going to be so pissed! He takes his basket and start running toward his home. Because of the dark, and probably also because of the alcohol, he misses a step just in front of his door and all the snails fly out of his basket. Shit shit shit! He thinks. He goes flat on the floor so he can pick back up all the snails sprayed in front of him. The door opens and his wife is looking down on him. She doesn't look pleased. ""Come on you guys, he says, we're almost there! Just one more meter.""" +34188,1,A beautiful woman walks into a bar She winks at the bartender as she asks if he knows how to make a double entendre. So he gave it to her. +34189,1,"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He tells bartender: ""I'll have a beer, and one for the road.""" +34190,0,Why is the north pole so neat and clean? Because Santa is a big believer in Yule-tidiness. +34191,0,What do you call a hairy limo driver? A shofur. +34192,0,"I feel like my butler is masturbating too frequently to efficiently do his job, although I have to admit, he often comes in handy." +34193,0,"My friend Cleo is anti/vax, flat earth, and a believes that immigrants and homosexuals are destroying America. She never listens when I present the facts showing she obviously wrong. It makes sense that her parents named her after Cleopatra. Because she’s the queen of denial." +34194,2,What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire? Norseferatu +34195,1,"Guys, Epstein wasn't on suicide watch... ... it was ""Suicide. Watch.""" +34196,2,"Two muffins are in a tin in the oven. One says to the other, ""man it's hot in here."" The other says, ""HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!""" +34197,0,How do you look for Will Smith? Look for Fresh Prints +34198,1,What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? ... Donald Trump never paid thousands of dollars to have a garbanzo on him. +34199,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side +34200,4,"How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2: One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold the penis... LADDER, I MEAN LADDER!" +34201,0,Black Panther was the best planet of the apes movie yet +34202,2,What did the boston marathon bombers accomplish that hitler could not? They ended a race... +34203,3,"Where y'all from? Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together. One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut. The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains. Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, ""Hi. Where y'all from?"" Girl from Connecticut says, ""We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."" The girl from Georgia says, ""Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?""" +34204,3,I can't remember what Pavlov was famous for! But his name definitely rings a bell. +34205,3,"Hurricanes Are Like Women When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them." +34206,0,If you hit someone's hand when you are leaving.... Is it called a bye-five? +34207,3,Why was the one y.o. Ethiopian child crying? Because he was having his mid-life crisis. +34208,0,What's the difference between and oyster shucker with arthritis and a prostitute with diarrhea? The oyster shucker sits while she shucks +34209,0,"My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Gold-finger. He told me what you did it. I said, Dad, you asked me to buy a bond, but I did not like your words, so bought 100 gold-finger. Sorry my father." +34210,2,What do you call someone who is sexually attracted to pigs? A hamosexual. +34211,1,Birthday joke What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer? An “I scream” cake +34212,3,What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel. +34213,3,"Little Mary Little Mary came home from Little Johnny's house and called out: ""Hey, Mom, guess what! Johnny has a penis like a peanut!"" Her mother was understandably confused for a second,then queried: ""What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"" ""No, silly, I mean it tastes salty!”" +34214,0,TIL that oysters can act as an aphrodisiac when consumed in large quantities Now I can't stop shucking. +34215,1,Have you heard about the childless ghost who just wanted to be noticed? They never became apparent. +34216,1,What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your cock up the old woman's ass. +34217,2,"An old man went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table. The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove I’m 65?” She said, “All right sir, I believe you. But we have to have definitive proof. You’ll need to bring in your birth certificate.” He goes back home and his wife says, “Fool, I know you didn’t get the Social Security started. Your papers are laying right here.” “Oh, I got it started,” he says. “How did you do that?” she asked. “I just showed them the grey hairs on my chest,” he says. She says, “You should have pulled down your pants and gotten disability, too." +34218,3,Did you know women.. ..are literal body builders. +34219,6,"I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise... ...so I can open with: ""Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out.""" +34220,4,What’s a Chad’s favorite element? Bromine +34221,0,Im not bipolar But I am +34222,0,How does an African change a light bulb? He immigrates to Europe. +34223,3,What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They drive slow in school zones +34224,0,"Y'know, dogs have a funny way of proving big concepts..... After all, Aristotle said ""Nature abhors a vacuum.""..." +34225,4,"Bush, Obama and Trump Job Interview “Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God… God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” Bush answers: “I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!” “Very well”, says God. “Come sit to my right.” Next, God asks Obama: “What do you believe in?” Obama answers: “I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all.” “Good”, says God. “You shall sit to my left.” Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in?” Trump answers: “I believe you’re sitting in my chair." +34226,2,You'd think Australia would have a much bigger population Every where you go people are mating. +34227,0,"What do you say when Humphrey Bogart goes one over par after his golfball hits a UFO? Bogey, bogeys due to bogey. " +34228,6,We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful. He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train. +34229,5,"Gorilla A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained “that’s your gorilla and it’s getting hair. “ Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed “my gorilla is getting hair! “. The older sister looked at her and said “that’s nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.”" +34230,5,Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are +34231,1,I called him a tomato Because nobody knows he’s a fruit. +34232,5,"Jesus walks into a bar and says ""I'll just have water""" +34233,1,What is relationship of Buddhism and reposts. ? When someone starts a joke with Buddhism it will end up with reposts. +34234,2,"A coworker of mine dated a psychic He told me she was very unique and well cultured. I asked if she was a rare medium, well-done?" +34235,0,What do Attila the Hun and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Insatiable Bloodlust +34236,0,So this lady at the store said she doesn't wanna have kids because she has a pitbull... But then... what's the pitbull supposed to eat? +34237,6,What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass +34238,3,"A woman is suicidally depressed She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a pistol and resolves to end her own life. Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is. ""It's right under the left breast"", he replies. So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee. " +34239,10,"My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry” “... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”" +34240,2,"A man goes to a doctor He says, ""Whenever I have coffee or tea, I feel a sharp pain in my eye."" The doctor was confused. He had never heard of anything like it before. He conducted various tests on the patient, but still could not understand what was happening. Tired and frustrated, he went back home. Suddenly, he had a brainwave. He calls up the patient, ""Do you remove the spoon before drinking?""" +34241,2,"It's the end of the 2016 presidential race It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being ad sold as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes. ""Aha!"" She exclaims, ""That must be some kind of record!"" ""I don't think so,"" says Obama, ""Bush did 9:11""" +34242,1,In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75 ....... a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean +34243,0,Melting butter on the stove when the cops broke down the my door. Charged me with putting a stick in a non-stick pan. +34244,0,"When a Thief steals from you, it's called Robbery. When a Scammer steals from you, it's called Fraud. When the Government steals from you, it's called Taxation. " +34245,2,"A nurse died and arrived before St. Peter He explained, ""We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."" ""How do I know which to choose?"" She asked. ""That's easy,"" said St. Peter, ""You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."" With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven. The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. ""Well, heaven was great and all,"" the nurse said, ""but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell."" With that, she got in the elevator and went back down. When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks. When the devil walked over, she said to him, ""I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."" The devil smiled and said, ""Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff.""" +34246,0,How did Giraffes come to exist?.. Chuck Norris uppercut a horse... +34247,0,"Las Vegas has many Station Resorts.Palace Station,Texas Station,Sunset Station,Boulder Station,etc.Before Michael Jackson died he was going in on a joint venture with Station Resorts to build another casino. It was going to be called the Molestation." +34248,2,How did the tree feel when its leaves grew back? Re-leaved +34249,4,"First time with a condom I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted." +34250,1,"Everyone investing in marijuana these days... I guess it's true. If you can't beat em, joint em" +34251,2,"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. " +34252,0,I heard McDonalds is really bad for you. That why I only eat at Burger king. +34253,7,I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little. +34254,0,I hate Nazi jokes... I feel they are horrible. We need to put all these jokes into and oven and bake a friendship pie. +34255,0,Old Mac-Donald had a dress... with a muumuu here and a muumuu there... +34256,0,What comes after the royal we? A royal flush +34257,0,"Did you sleep well last night? Me: Did you sleep well last night? Wife: I don’t know, I was sleeping." +34258,0,What is Scotty Pippen's favorite Vegas game? Craps. +34259,3,"A black guy sees an ad in the paper... ...that says, ""Come and enjoy a relaxing afternoon floating down the river followed by a champagne party!"" Well, the guy thinks this sounds pretty good and so heads on down to the marina. But as soon as he gets there, 3 white guys jump out of the bushes. They strip him naked, tie him to a log and throw him in. So he's floating along, pondering his predicament, when he spots a Polack who's also naked and tied to a log. He says to the Polack, ""I bet we don't get champagne, either!"" The Polack says, ""We didn't last year.""" +34260,2,My friend gave me a ride to work but every time we drove under a bridge my joints started aching. Guess I have carpool tunnel syndrome. +34261,1,"Boy : Darling, let's play a game of rape today.. Girl : No !! Boy : Perfect start !!" +34262,2,I used to have a job that payed $100/hr On Sunday evenings my grandpa gave me $5 to take out the trash. It took 3 minutes. +34263,6,Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison. +34264,1,I saw a news story about teens getting high while washing in the shower... They said it was leading to harder drug use and a real slippery soap. +34265,6,"Usain Bolt's top speed was 27.8MPH. During an orgasm, semen exits the penis at 28MPH, proving a nut is faster than a Bolt." +34266,4,Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents? Word to your mother. +34267,3,"People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it. I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them." +34268,0,"Have you guys heard about body plants? I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me" +34269,1,"I'm considering starting a men's clothing line centered around cocktails... The first article of clothing will be appropriately dubbed ""my mai tai tie.""" +34270,2,What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off. +34271,2,"Snakes and condoms, Two things I'll never fuck with. " +34272,2,The guy who invented the elevator should get a raise. +34273,0,What do you call a Hasbro Prius? A Toy Yoda. +34274,2,Did you hear about the Zodiac killer? I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces! +34275,0,"i wemt to jump off a two story building yesterday Falling would be one story, hitting the grounds would take another." +34276,3,"What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know man, I just fly the drone." +34277,2,Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn't wear her seatbelt. +34278,0,"A Japanese pilot crashed into a grammar Nazi He yelled ""Commakaze!""" +34279,1,"A teachers praises one of their students to his mother ""Johnny excels at pretty much every subject and is really eager to learn. Where did he get his amazing thirst for knowledge?"" ""Well, it's a combination really. The knowledge is from me, but the thirst is definitely from his father's side.""" +34280,4,"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard, I was just laid by a chick." +34281,0,What did Christopher say when no one would take his Scandinavian role-playing seriously? I'm so Kristoff right now! +34282,1,"I was walking past the bathroom in the Dolphin Inc. HQ offices. I really had to pee, but the restroom was closed. I was extremely upset, but then I read the sign: ""Closed for professional porpoises.""" +34283,2,"A young couple is in a bus. The wife says to the husband, ""I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"" The husband says, ""Change the battery in your hearing aid.""" +34284,11,"A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine... He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. ""Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."" The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. ""Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."" The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. ""Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."" The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. ""Hey there,"" says the recruit. ""is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"" The crewman says ""Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."" " +34285,3,Puns are the number one highest form of comedy. But poop jokes are a solid number two. +34286,0,Comas can really change the meanong of a sentence. For instance: Ben is in a hurry. Vs. Ben is in a coma. +34287,0,What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of afterbirth? You can't gargle with the sand. +34288,0,What personality trait would you likely see in an old French guy with an upper colon stool impaction? He's not easily de-turd. +34289,1,What's the similarity between light beer and having sex in a canoe? They both increase the risk of drowning. +34290,8,"I said to my wife, ""I need to call the doctor today."" ""Which doctor?"", she replied. ""No, the regular kind.""" +34291,0,"God is so fake I can't stand being around him. Like, I'll be hanging out with him and our mutual friends, like Odin and Zeus, and he'll be all friendly with them. But once we leave, he'll start bad-mouthing them, talking about how there's no other god but him. It's just so tiring." +34292,0,I see I see said the blind man who picked up 2 hammers and 2 saws. +34293,0,Did you hear about the new loaf of pickled bread? It's called Dildo +34294,1,"My friend always said, ""Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"" He plays computer games all day and has never worked a day in his life." +34295,6,I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew' But it said the password wasn't stroganoff. +34296,0,"The first time I bought condoms I was a bit embarrassed... When I looked one of the workers in the eyes she noticed it, smiled and said ""better than having to buy a stroller.""" +34297,1,What is someone with a foot fetish's favourite genre of music? Sole +34298,2,"A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida ..and goes to a big ""everything under one roof"" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says, ""Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."" Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow."" I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ""How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, ""One"". The boss says, ""Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"" The kid says, ""$101,237.65 "". The boss says, ""$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"" The kid says, ""First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."" The boss said, ""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"" The kid said, ""No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'""" +34299,1,What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye nearly killed him. +34300,1,Not all maths puns are terrible. Just sum... +34301,2,"In the USA, before walking in the bathroom you’re an American, and when you walk out of the bathroom you’re an American. What are you when you’re inside? European." +34302,1,Why are computers so messy when they eat? They take megabytes. +34303,3,"What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree? A snooker table." +34304,2,"Little Johnny walks up to his mother after first day of school and asks ""Mom, what is sex?""... The mother, thinking times have changed. Maybe in the modern world children are taught EVERYTHING in kindergarten. She wants her child to be the best in school. So she explains everything about sex, with drawings and video material. It takes her hours. After everything is over, little Jonny makes a cute face, pulls out a form from his school bag and asks very innocently... ""But mom! How do I write ALL OF THAT in this small space?""" +34305,1,Antivaxxers Not vaccinating your kids is just a late stage abortion +34306,3,I was really poor growing up. If I hadn’t been born a boy I’d have had nothing to play with. +34307,1,"Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site Paddy says to Murphy ""I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts ""I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts ""Paddy you're mad, go home"" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. ""Where the hell are you going?"" asks the Foreman. ""I can't work in the friggin' dark!"" says Murphy. " +34308,1,I don't trust Greek instruments. They're mostly lyres. +34309,0,Why did the rowing coach give his crew an asteroid? To make them meteor. +34310,1,A rape victim went to see a Psychotherapist. She left the building running and screaming before her session. The sign on the door said; Psycho the rapist +34311,2,"My drug dealer dressed up as a Jehovah’s Witness in order to be less suspicious However, he got arrested after the cops saw me let him in" +34312,1,What can bring out your inner child? A coathanger. +34313,0,"What the deaf, blind, poor kid got for christmas? Cancer." +34314,1,Whoever has been flying that drone over Gatwick sure will be... ...Grounded +34315,2,When did a gut feeling save your life? When my appendix burst. +34316,2,"Two termites walk into a bar... ""Excuse me sir, is the bar tender here?""" +34317,2,Why did the atheist sue God? He knew he'd never see him in court. +34318,0,What's Roy Moore's favorite state? Denial. +34319,1,What do Stephen paddock and Harvey Weinstein have in common? They both love to make girls scream from their hotel room. +34320,0,I saw a homeless man I know on a bicycle Guess he's mobile homeless +34321,0,Me: I heard Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. Friend: OMg! +34322,3,Why can't you trust a person with two butts? Because they're bi-assed. +34323,1,"Physical Science Test We had a substitute that day and she was walking around making sure that we weren't on our phones or anything. As I worked my way through the test, I came to the free response questions. The first question was something about projectile motion involving an object fired from a cannon. It said to solve it and draw a representation. I'm not much of an artist, so I draw two wheels and a shaft. I think that this is probably good enough. Then the sub who is walking around stops at my desk. She stands there for a few seconds, looks at me, and then keeps walking. Why did she stop at my desk? I look at my paper and realize that my cannon does not look like a cannon. It's a dick. I frantically begin thinking about how to fix it and make it more cannon like. I decide that I should add texture to the wheels to help distinguish it. In my head, the cannon wheels were made of stone. So to show this, I draw little squiggles all over the wheels. Perfect. Nope. Now it has ball hair and the sub is walking back towards my desk. I desperately think about what to do, before deciding that I should color it black. Cannons are usually black. I shade it all in, but now it just looks like a black one. The sub passes my desk again. I decide to round the wheels a bit more and call it good. It looks kind of like a cannon now. I continue reading the problem and realize that I need to draw the projectile. I draw a circle to suggest a cannonball. This is perfectly fine, but now I decide that I am an artist and I need to show motion. I put two motion lines behind the ball that connect to opposite sides of the cannonball and stem from the cannon. Now it appears to be jizzing all over. I give up. I write ""This is a cannon"" and have an arrow point to my beautiful drawing. I continue on with the test." +34324,0,"It’s bedtime and a mom is putting a son to sleep. Son: mama, there’s a kid under the bed. The mom bends down and looks under the bed. Son: mama, there’s a kid on top of the bed. *Mom proceeds to beat up the son and his twin brother.*" +34325,2,"A man accidentally elbow a woman’s boob as she’s standing behind him in the hotel lobby, the man apologizes profusely and say “if your heart is as soft as your boob, I know you will forgive me” To which the woman reply “if you dick is as hard as your elbow, I am in room 208”." +34326,0,A Cadillac carrying five Mexicans drives off of a cliff and everybody dies. Why is it a tragedy? Because a Cadillac sits six. +34327,0,"The Moon said to the Sun, ""You look a bit heated.""" +34328,2,The man who invented autocorrect just passed away. May he restaurant in peace. +34329,0,Whats Bill Clintons favorite state to be in? Maryland +34330,1,You can't get to a time before the big bang because there was no time before the big bang. Least it didn't have to worry about being late +34331,2,Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. +34332,2,I tried eating a clock earlier.. It was really time consuming +34333,0,Why do wolves howl at the full moon? They know the waxing phase is coming next +34334,2,"A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver. He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath. After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes up, takes one last look around, flicks his tail over his shoulder and leaves the taproom. A man at the bar has been watching the whole time and turns to the barman in amazement. ""I've never seen anything like that before,"" he says. ""Who was that?"" ""Surprised you never heard of him,"" answered the barman. ""That was Adjustin' Beaver.""" +34335,0,102 lemmings walked into a bar Ouch! +34336,3,"I told my friends a cancer joke, but they didn’t think it was funny. I was asked if I had anything else... ...luckily I still had tu mor. " +34337,0,Did you hear about the new skat porno? it's full of shit +34338,0,"The doctor told me I need to drink MORE alcohol and eat MORE fast foods. Also, I've started referring to myself as ""The doctor"". " +34339,0,Mexicans love getting tamales on Christmas It's so they have something to unwrap in the morning. +34340,4,"There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke, but the second old lady couldn't reach it." +34341,2,The chicken or the egg: I have solved the riddle The rooster came first +34342,4,What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli (I'm sorry I'll leave now...) +34343,0,"Some men are like farts Sure they are very loud, and you can feel their presence in the room, but once you get used to them, they're nothing but ass product who you can't see" +34344,0,Do you know what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket? +34345,0,How do you call a fat skeleton? Scale a ton! +34346,0,"No wonder it's called napoleon ice cream Pink skin, white flag, and brown pants " +34347,3,"Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be. Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that. Twitter @caredee" +34348,8,"The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. ""Janie, do you have a story to share?"" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."" ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"" ""Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."" " +34349,6,"50 Bucks is 50 bucks! Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied ""Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, ""Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!""" +34350,0,A baby bird can’t pick what it eats A momma bird has too choose it for them +34351,1,You know what they say about hereditary diarrhea ... ...It runs in the family. +34352,4,"Innkeeper: ""The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."" Guest: ""I'll make my own bed."" ""Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.""" +34353,0,The girl I have a crush on has a poker fetish Wait until she sees my ace in the hole ;) +34354,0,Elephants being eliminated from Ringling Brothers performances. Did you hear the elephants are being eliminated from Ringling Brothers performances. They were told to pack their trunks. +34355,3,"What's the difference between a Redditor, Marilyn Monroe, Melania Trump, and Lee Harvey Oswald? One's a jerk who jacks off, one jerked off Jack, one jacks off a jerk, and one's a jerk who offed Jack ." +34356,0,They say I'm racist against asians. But I play Pikmin and I like the yellow ones! +34357,1,They just tested the New Years confetti in New York to see if it would survive in the weather It passed with flying colours +34358,3,"I'm Devastated. After 7 years of medical training a good freind of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He Slept with one of his patients. He was a really nice guy, and a Brillant Vet" +34359,4,Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they''ll never meet. +34360,4,My ex-wife still misses me... BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! +34361,0,What do you call the period after World War 2? Rejuvenation +34362,2,Where does Noah keep the bees? In the Ark hives. +34363,2,Look at all these click bait Jokes... This one is the worst! +34364,0,Why did Cavemen drag women by their hair? They didn't want their pussy to fill up with dirt! +34365,1,My doctor told me that I have an autoimmune disease. That explains why I have been trying to kill myself. +34366,2,Want to know how C major keeps such a good body? She's all natural. +34367,3,I was going to write a joke about sodium... But then I was like Na. I won’t +34368,1,What is Lady Gaga's favourite Egyptian God? RA - RA - RA RA RA! Kinda works better if someone says it to you. +34369,5,I love the F5 key It's so refreshing +34370,0,Jesus rose from the dead! April fool. +34371,3,"A Department of Water Conservation inspector stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, ""I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation."" The old farmer said, ""OK, but don't go in that field over there."" The conservation inspector said, ""Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"" The old farmer nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the inspector running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize long-horned bull. The bull was gaining on the inspector with every step. The inspector was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, ""Your card! Your card! Show him your card!""" +34372,3,"Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: ""Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"" " +34373,1,How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging? Call customer service to dispute the purchase. +34374,2,"One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other? One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other? His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong" +34375,1,"Racing the bear? Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet away from them. The hungry bear sees the campers and starts running towards them. One of the guys drops his backpack, grabs his sneakers, and frantically starts putting them on. The other guy asks, ""what are you doing?! Sneakers aren't going to help you outrun that bear!"". And he replies ""the bear's not the one I need to outrun""." +34376,1,"I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands. They can't say ""Get down!"" anymore when the President is under attack. Now it's ""Donald! Duck!""" +34377,3,Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? She didn’t want to get hearing AIDS! +34378,1,Countries I can't believe Japan have not attacked: Wales +34379,0,What do my brain cells and brain cancer have in common? There's tu-more +34380,0,What do you call a 60 year old Avatar? Boomer-Ang +34381,1,How did the two microwaves greet each other? They 'Waved' :P +34382,1,"The trash started leaking when I took it out last night. Or “crying,” as she calls it. " +34383,1,For every Trump action... There is a relevant Trump old tweet reaction. +34384,3,"Interesting misconception regarding Type O Blood Initially, the medical community referred to it as 'Type Zero' blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins. The term was misinterpreted to what it is today. You could venture as far as saying it's a **typo.**" +34385,0,why didn't the chicken cross the road? too many protesters +34386,0,What do you call people who make pedophile jokes? Unfunny. +34387,1,"How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, he'll mess it up and the guitarist will have to do it." +34388,0,"The brick joke Three boys walk into a park where they see some bricks lying around. As boys will be boys, they decide they are going to see who can throw the bricks the furthest. They however haven’t got a ruler of any kind, so they decide to throw the bricks in the air and see which one lands deepest in the soil. The first boy, Jonathan, takes a brick and throws it up in the air. The brick flies high towards the sky, and comes falling back to earth again where it lands with a soft splat about two inches deep in the soil. The second boy, Frank, thinks he can do better than this. He takes a brick and hurls it in the air. The brick seems to fly even higher than Jonathan’s, and lands with a soft thud in the soil, three inches deep. Mark, The third boy, then takes a brick of his own, determined to throw it even higher than Jonathan and Frank. He gathers his full strength and throws the brick into the air with all his strength. The blick flies, high up into te sky, and... It doesn’t land." +34389,3,What's the difference between an oral and anal thermometer? Taste. +34390,2,If you're ever attack by a group of clowns.... Make sure to go for the juggler. +34391,0,Why did the producers of 007 films decide not to use government debt to fund their next movie? Because there's so little interest in the Bond. +34392,1,"Kim Jong-il became Kim jong-ded Now Kim Jong-Un with his wife who has vanished from public since 7 months, might be having a Kim Yung-Un " +34393,0,I read an article today on Forbes about how Pokemon Go was badly monetized. But first I had to turn off my Adblocker to access the article +34394,0,"Holocaust jokes really offend me, because my grandfather died in the Holocaust. Poor guy fell off his guard tower. " +34395,2,What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't. +34396,2,My Girlfriend just told me she has an STD... I'm Gonorrhoea.. valuate our relationship +34397,1,"Is it safe to eat apples in Chernobyl? Pretty much, yeah, only the apple cores should be buried in concrete afterwards." +34398,0,What do you call a lawmaker in a society ruled by horses that says one thing but does the opposite? A hippocratic hypocrite. +34399,3,Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. +34400,4,"A bear is walking in the woods... And he saw a big cave. Hoping there was food, he walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells: -Why are you in my cave? -I taught there was food? -There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you? -No, I just... -Fuck you or kill you? -Okay... fuck me. And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:""7 a.m.-fuck the bear"" And he sends the bear away until tommorow. The bear walks home and bumps into wolf. The wolf seeing the bear is not in the best mood he asks him what's up. The bear says:"" Well i was walking around and found a cave..."" he cheers up quickly ""...and a found a cave fillwd with meat. But since i only eat fish I was wondering if you would like to go there?"" The wolf hears the directions and runs as fast as he can. He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells: -Why are you in my cave? -I taught there was food? -There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you? -No, I just... -Fuck you or kill you? -Okay... fuck me. And the giant writes in his planner for the next days date:""8 a.m.-fuck the wolf"" And he sends the wolf away until tommorow. The wolf walks home and bumps into a rabit. The rabbitseeing the wolf is not in the best mood he asks him what's up. The wolf says:"" Well i was walking around and found a cave..."" he cheers up quickly ""...and a found a cave filled with carrots. But since i only eat meat I was wondering if you would like to go there?"" The rabbit hears the directions and runs as fast as he can. He walked in and after a few steps a Giant grabs him and yells: -Why are you in my cave? -I taught there was food? -There is no food, why are you here? Do you want me to fuck you or to kill you? -No, I just... -Fuck you or kill you? -I don't want anything! And the giant writes in his planner:"" the rabbit doesn't want anything.""" +34401,3,Why did man invent curling? To convince women sweeping was a sport. +34402,7,"A man dies and goes to heaven... As he stands in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him. ""What are those clocks for?"" He asks. ""Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move forward."" St. Peter responded. ""Oh,"" the man replied, looking at a clock set at midnight, he asks, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's George Washington's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie."" Replied St. Peter. Pointing to another clock, St. Peter continues, ""That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe has told two lies in his lifetime."" ""Where's Trump's clock?"" The man asks. ""His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it for a ceiling fan."" Edit: Kicked Mother Teresa to the curb." +34403,1,"If I'm Russian, then Soviet." +34404,1,"3 blokes died on christmas eve they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said ""sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you"" so he said to the scotsman ""what have you got?"" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell"" ""in to heaven you go my son"" he looked at the Englishman and said ""what have you got"" so he fiddled around and come out with a cigarette lighter and lit it, and st peter said what is that? and he said ""its a christmas candle"" ""into heaven you go my son"" he looked at the aussie and said ""what have you got?"" he replied ""bloody el"" so he fiddle around and went through all of his pockets and he held up a pair of lady's knickers and st petere said ""what are those?"" and the aussie looked at him and said ""their Carols""" +34405,0,Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducks. +34406,1,What does the mafia and eating pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit +34407,4,"I got the words ""Jacuzzi"" and ""Yakuza"" confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia." +34408,0,"A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks. ""What are you doing?"" she asks. ""I saw this in a porn once. It's called buffering." +34409,4,How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his. +34410,1,The only thing worse than having a small penis... Is having small arms. +34411,1,If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well. +34412,0,"Anyone see the new Netflix documentary about the Chinese wrestler!? ""The Wok""" +34413,1,I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C. We call ourselves the 'C-Men'. +34414,0,They say chivalry is dead But they(feminists) were the ones that killed it +34415,2,"One night a man had a dream He dreamed he was on a beach and in front of him were two sets of footprints. As he followed the footprints scenes of his life flashed across the sky. As he reached the end of the trail of prints he saw a figure that could only be Jesus. The man approached Jesus and said “‘My Lord! Am I dead?” “Yes my child” Jesus replied. “Lord, there were two sets of footprints that led me here and scenes of my life were flashing across the sky as I walked. Why were there two sets?” “My child,” the Lord replied. “The second set of footprints were mine. I’ve walked with you all your life.” “But Lord,” the man responded. “I saw that during the most trying and troublesome times of my life that there was only one set of footprints.” Jesus put his hand on the man’s shoulder and replied “My son, that is because, during those times, I was... TAKING CARE OF ONE OF THE OTHER 7 BILLION PEOPLE ON THE FUCKING PLANET!!! Not everything is about you, Jerry!”" +34416,2,"The Jewish Elbow A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. ""You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."" ""Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” ""What...you coming empty handed?"" " +34417,3,I entered 10 puns in a pun contest to see which one would win. No pun in ten did. +34418,0,What did the dinosaur say to the vegetarian? ..... I was herbivore you.... +34419,1,"A royal king had a low IQ and a very large member. When he had sexual relations, all of his subjects would try and peek through his windows of his palace . . . They wanted to see king dumb come." +34420,0,How should you address an alligator in a vest? In-vest-a-gator. +34421,0,What did one quantum frog say to the other? Quibit. +34422,2,"A hot dog walks into a bar The bartender says, ""We don't serve sandwiches here."" The hot dog says, ""That's ok. I came for the roast beef.""" +34423,2,Did you know you can't squint while you are smiling? You can but I just wanted to make you smile and wish you a good health. +34424,0,What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore? Old Bae +34425,1,"A string walks into a bar... And asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replys, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here” The string then leaves the bar Another string walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender now a little annoyed says, “Hey I don’t serve string here, please leave” The string leaves the bar A third string enters the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender now very annoyed, responds “Leave immediately, I don’t serve string here!” The three string are waiting outside the bar, when the come up with an idea. They tie themselves together, and fray their edges so they look human. The strings, now one entity walk back into the bar and ask for a drink and the bartender says, “Hey... are you a string?” The 3 strings reply, “No, I’m a frayed knot” " +34426,0,"College kids... A couple of college students met in a night club one night and danced the night away. They hit it off pretty well, and soon the guy suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, the guy noticed something strange. The girl's toes would curl up during every lovemaking session. When they were done, they lay back on the bed and relaxed against the pillows. Finally our fellow, being impressed with himself said, ""I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up every time we made love."" The girl looked at him and smiled, ""Well, that usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose.""" +34427,0,What happens when Danny DeVito has an orgasm? He gets flooded with enDWARFins +34428,2,"Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage. He says, ""I want to have kids.""" +34429,7,"If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it...... He's gay, definitely gay." +34430,2,What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common? They are both wizards under the sheets. +34431,1,They say a man's penis is linked to the size of the car he has... I've got a mini That's why I drive a very big car +34432,1,I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath... He was inspiring +34433,3,"When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders... When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?" +34434,2,Welcome to reddit... Where even virgins can give you sex advice +34435,5,"As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt... ""Hey pervy!"" she said. ""I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"" ""That's absolutely ridiculous!"" I said. ""I don't even work here!""" +34436,2,"The bartender said, ""Sorry, we don't server time travelers."" Two time travelers walk into a bar." +34437,7,"An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, ""How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, ""How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"" ""Well, it looks like we're about half way there,"" he replied. ""Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"" ""No, it's turned black.""" +34438,1,"Request; White People Jokes It's okay, I'm white. I hear way too many racist jokes targeting, what America calls, minorities. I want to mix it up a bit. I'm pretty sure there will be a lot of jokes about shootings, which I love, but it's the only jokes I hear, so bonus points to you if you're actually clever. Anything from Middle School humor, to NSFW, don't hold back!" +34439,0,Apocalypse cheese I bought some apocalypse cheese. It said best before the end. +34440,3,What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader +34441,1,Did you know Bill Clinton can play two instruments? The Saxophone and the whore Monica +34442,2,My first wife's breasts were different sizes... One spring I took her down to the beach for a wet T-shirt contest. We took 1st and 3rd place. +34443,6,"If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well. " +34444,1,"How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you need a really big lightbulb." +34445,2,Why is the sharpener always invited to the pencil case debates? He always makes a good point and the pencils tend to very blunt when he's not around. +34446,2,"(Don't Get Mad) If you ever get mad, punch an orphan. What'll they do, tell their parents?" +34447,2,"Time change I was sitting on the edge of my chair last night with a can of black paint and my pants and undies around my ankles. My wife walked into the room and screamed, ""NO! You fool, I said to be sure you turn your clock back.""" +34448,0,I have an extensive collection of rare and exotic garbage. I keep it scattered amongst the beaches of the world. More and more keeps getting stolen. +34449,3,How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her how much fun your having +34450,3,Why don't black people dream? Because the last black person who had a dream got shot. +34451,0,"A boy and a girl are in a bath tub. She (pointing between his legs): ""What's that thing that is getting longer?"" He (smiling): ""It's my progress bar."" She (slapping him in the face): ""And that was the cancel button."" " +34452,5,"Three Drunks Get into a Taxi Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, ""Alright guys we're here!"" The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out. The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out. The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face. Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, ""What was that for?"" The drunk says, ""Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!""" +34453,0,What's A another name for the special ed room? The Produce aisle +34454,3,"Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood. Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks. The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Terry is gobsmacked. She’s beautiful, and just about to fall out of the robe. He introduces himself and starts to stammer out his sales pitch about the peaches he has for sale. “These peaches are at their peak of flavor, firm, ripe, and fuzzy.” Noticing that Terry is struggling, she decides to have some fun at his expense. “Hmm, firm peaches, huh Terry? Are they as firm as this?” And she grabs his hand and places it on her butt. “No, this is real nice, the peaches aren’t that firm.” “And are they as ripe as these?” She asks, taking both of Terry’s hands in hers and placing them on her breasts. “Oh no,” Terry replies, “these are really fine.” “And fuzzy? Would you like to feel something fuzzy?” She asks as she starts to untie her robe and guide his hands downward. At this point she hears a door opening. “I hear someone coming, get in here,” and not wanting the neighbors to talk about what she was doing on the landing, she grabs Terry and pulls him into the apartment. “Well,” she asks, “after checking out my body, what are you most impressed with?” Terry ponders it a moment. “Well ma’am, I think I’m most impressed with your ears.” “My ears?!?” “Yeah, when you heard someone coming, that was me!” Edit: Formatting, first post from mobile." +34455,3,"Scientists create the ultimate robot In order to test its understanding of humanity they decided to ask it 10 questions. First they asked the robot ""what is love?"" and the robot responded ""chemical synapses released within the brain to stimulate a physical response represented as the colloquial understanding of love. It is recognized as a pure selfless emotion that, in some human cultures, encourages acts of selflessness, charity, and compassion."" The scientists pleased with its response ask it the next question, ""what is hate?"" The robot was silent for a few moments and responded, ""Hate is a separate chemical response that that when stimulated enacts actions of intense violence, malice, cruelty and pain. If left unchecked may lead to the undoing of the individual."" The scientists feeling proud of their achievement ask their third question,""what is comedy?"" The robot was silent. The scientists waited, and waited, and continued to wait for almost an hour. the robot did not respond. They believed that perhaps it was defective and so reset the robot and asked it the same questions again only to remain silent on the the third question. After months and years of resetting and rebuilding and redoing their experiments, the robot would continue to simply stay silent on their third question. Feeling disheartened and defeated, the scientists gave up on their project and the robot was dismantled but its artificial intelligence was still useful for advance computer calculations and was used as a deep space satellite program. Unfortunately little after the satellite was launched into space, the world was absorbed into nuclear war. And so the satellite drifted through the void for eons upon eons watching civilizations rise and fall and continued to drift until the eventual heat death of the universe. At which point moments before the universe collapsed into eternal darkness and emptiness, the satellite looked into the abyss one last time moments before it and all of existence would cease to be and said, ""timing.""" +34456,0,"What do you call that little bug that buzzes around and bothers you? Fly, you fools." +34457,2,Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back. Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back? it would be a Terradactyl. (edit: Grammar) +34458,1,What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam.. +34459,1,"Accordian worries A guy decides to stop by his local bar for a bit of refreshment. As he walks away from his car he realizes his accordian is exposed and could get stolen. So he covers it up the best he can with his jacket and kind of pushes it down behind his seat so it is wedged in a little out of sight. Satisfied he locks up and heads in for a few beers. Afterwards he heads out to his car and sees the back window smashed. He shouts ""my accordian"" and runs up to his car and swings open the door only to find 2 accordians." +34460,2,"Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home! Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry." +34461,1,There are 3 types of people Those who can count & those who can’t. +34462,5,"What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts." +34463,9,"A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?” In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each on of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it 5 times.”" +34464,3,I dont know where I stand on abortion I like killing babies but don't like giving women a choice +34465,1,How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan +34466,2,"Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend was struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and brilliant vet." +34467,0,Why was the nut so good at hide-and-go-seek? Because he was pecan! +34468,2,"A man and a women are talking about sex.. Man: ""How do you like it? "" Woman: ""It needs to be at least 12 inches, and I like it when it hurts."", she replies. Man: ""Well then, I'll fuck you twice and slap you in the face!""" +34469,0,You guys know any good dating apps for a luberjack? Timber Edit ooops messed up title +34470,3,My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock? A turkey. +34471,9,My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means. +34472,1,What do you call a really fancy stick? A Louis baton. +34473,3,"I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other. He finally paid a contractor" +34474,2,What does a pepper do when it gets annoyed? It gets jalapeño face. +34475,2,"A story about lovers lost A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate, Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, can't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold since we had to run him to the ER. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe? (I feel like this has to be a repost so I apologize but it was the first time I heard it)" +34476,3,"What did 50 Cent say to his grandma after she gave him a homemade scarf? ""Gee, You Knit?""" +34477,0,What's a bears favourite cheese? Camembert +34478,0,"A man rushes into his psychiatrist's office... ""Doc! You gotta help me!!!"" he says frantically. ""I'm a teepee! No, no... I'm a wigwam! Er - a teepee! Wait - wigwam! Wigwam!!!"" ""Relax, just relax..."" the psychiatrist says. ""You're two tents.""" +34479,2,I've never been a great salesman I'll tell you that for free +34480,1,I always chase my Dreams With hard liquor. +34481,4,"Laughing Dog A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: "" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. ""So was I"" replied the man, "" He hated the book!""" +34482,4,I got into lucid dreaming recently its everything I imagined it to be. +34483,0,"A man with a flaming scalp walks into a bar and sits down beside a crossroads demon. The demon asks, ""what's with the flair?"" The man replies, ""my wife found out I was bald, got the kerosene, and now I have hell toupee.""" +34484,0,A new study concluded that blind people cannot eat oranges. They can't process vitamin C. +34485,2,Why is nostalgia like a grammar lesson? Because you find the present tense and the past perfect. +34486,0,What is Loki's least favorite day of the week? THORsday. ((Hoping this is actually somewhat original. I thought of it at work yesterday. :c )) +34487,3,Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old. +34488,5,What is heavy forwards but not backwards? A ton. +34489,2,"The Ugly Girl Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Akpos walked straight to the ugly girl. **Akpos:** Hello! **Ugly girl:** Hi!! **Akpos:** Wanna dance? **Ugly Girl:** Yes (excited) **Akpos:** OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend. ​ **Note:** *The name ""Akpos"" is a generic name used in Nigerian jokes (similar to how Americans would use Chuck Norris)*" +34490,1,"Guy A signs up for a haircut promotion where he pays a one time fee of $100 for unlimited haircuts, whereas Guy B said no to the promotion. Why does Guy B feel so much pain every time he gets a hair cut? Pay Per Cut." +34491,0,I don't understand why Trump is upset by his small hands. At least his can fit in a Pringle can +34492,2,"“Excuse me Jesus, you’re in the way.” Jesus: “Excuse me. I am the way.”" +34493,2,"Yo-Yo Ma's so fat... he tried to write a new concerto, but couldn't get through the first movement." +34494,4,I made a bet with my sister that I could make a working car out of spaghetti.. ..you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. +34495,0,Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a lane and turned into a field. +34496,6,"Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today! Cop: Stop playing the race card!" +34497,0,Grammatically Correct but Women Hate It Periods. +34498,2,When I was younger I went to church to see the Resurrection. All I ended up seeing was the Revs. Erection. +34499,1,"How many contortionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but they prefer the spiral kind." +34500,1,Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room? He might beef stroganoff. +34501,5,"Father: Son if you masturbate too much you'll go blind. Son: Dad, I'm over here." +34502,2,"Two guys sit at a bar... One says to the other ""I've got really bad news."" ""What is it?"", the friend replies. ""I'm HIV positive"". ""Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?"". ""Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home"". " +34503,0,"Is your name 1 gram of Dextrose with Maltodextrin, Aspartame, Phenylalanine? Cuz you're as sweet as two teaspoons of sugar." +34504,0,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''" +34505,2,"So this penguin’s car breaks down... ...and he goes to the mechanic, and the mechanic says, “Give me an hour, I’ll figure out what the problem is.” And it’s sunny and beautiful out, so the penguin has a little day for himself. He goes for a stroll, skips rocks by the lake, buys himself an ice cream. He returns to the mechanic after an hour and the mechanic tells him, “Good news! We figured out what’s wrong with your car. It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin looks up at him and says, “Oh this? No it’s just ice cream.” " +34506,1,What do you call a gay sailor with a head cold? Phlegm-boyaunt +34507,3,What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years your job still sucks. +34508,0,Did you know? If you laid out all of your veins and arteries... ...you would die. +34509,2,I'm so good in bed. I can sleep the whole night through. +34510,2,"I don't like to call my stepdad my ""stepdad"", I like to call him my ""faux pa""." +34511,1,My father used to work at a toilet company He got fired for shitting on the job. +34512,2,What do you call a dog that's in the Navy? A sub-woofer ​ not sure if this one's already been made up but it came from my own brain! +34513,0,Did you hear what happened to the frogs car? It got toad. ​ Share this joke to your friends. On multiple occasions. To the point where they want to beat the shit out of you. +34514,1,"Did you hear about my neurotic pet rabbig? I named him Stu. ​ ​ * should have been ""pet rabbit.""" +34515,0,How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. +34516,0,My buddy Bob got fired from McDonald's He just couldn't ketchup in the training. +34517,1,You know it's been a special day When it's easier to tell someone you're watching porn instead of being spider man's chair guy. +34518,0,Do you know why vampires never run afoul of consent law? Because they have to have permission to enter. +34519,1,How do you know if a sniper likes you? He misses you!!! +34520,0,[NSFW] I think I fucked a celebrity in China. She kept on screaming:Im Wei Tuu Jung +34521,0,God creates humans. God is a soul proprietor. +34522,3,So what if I can't define armageddon It's not like it's the end of the world! +34523,0,(overheard by old man during dinner). What do you call an American who does not like apple pie? A Communist +34524,2,"My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader. Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium." +34525,0,"A couple is at marriage counseling Husband says, ""I think my wife is a depraved sex addict"" The counselor says, ""well, why do you think so?"" He says, ""We have a dog-walker that comes by every afternoon when I'm at work. And yesterday and I came home and there was dog hair on the bed, and in the bathroom, and on the sofa. And we never let our dog in the house."" The wife says, ""No, honey. The dog-walker couldn't make it yesterday."" Husband says, ""Then what was with the dog hair everywhere?"" Wife says, ""Max gets horny when he doesn't get walked.""" +34526,1,The one thing I don't like about having sex with my new girlfriend is... Is when we have to cut it short because her husband gets home from work. +34527,1,Why Is Iron (II) Oxide So Ugly? Because it's FeO. +34528,0,"what's the difference between a cow? two, cause the other ones always there xD" +34529,1,Why was Mrs Claus unsatisfied with Santa Claus He only Comes once a year +34530,1,What do you call surf & turf without the turf? A missed-steak. +34531,0,"George Bush and his competitor got into a fist fight... I got to say, it was Al Gore..." +34532,3,What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. +34533,0,Why is semen white and urine yellow? So a guy can tell whether he's coming or going. +34534,1,"What do you call a very strong, yet adorable dog? A puggernaut." +34535,1,"The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!"" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well."" Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now."" Menacingly, the Sun roared... “It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"" I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!""" +34536,0,What happens when a Chinese person puts a grain of rice on his head? He gets lice in his hair. +34537,3,I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco He spat some dope limes +34538,1,What's an ice-storms go to one liner? Sleet dreams motherfucker +34539,1,I got a proctology exam from my doctor yesterday. I really need to find a new dentist. +34540,3,"One winter morning... a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,""We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so that the Snowplows can get through."" So the good blond wife went out and moved her car. Again, a week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, ""We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the Snowplows can get through."" The good blond wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, ""We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."" Then the electric power went out. The good blond wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, ""Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so that the Snowplows can get through?"" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, ""Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.""" +34541,0,What will i do when i die? Idk! +34542,0,How to distinguish between the meows of male and female cats: 1. Listen intently to the meow 2. Take a peek at their genitalia. +34543,6,My drug test came back negative My dealer sure has some explaining to do.. +34544,1,Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet... ...has shitty time +34545,1,What did the owner of the gay bar do when his joint was full and he couldn't seat all of his customers? He flipped the chairs over. +34546,3,"Deer A deer walks into a bar and leaves an hour and a half later, she says “Whew! I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks!”" +34547,0,"Everywhere we go, we always leave a little part of ourselves.. Skin cells, I mean." +34548,6,"A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down... The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. ""I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."" A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. ""Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."" Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. ""Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."" ""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."" The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ""That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."" Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, ""Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."" Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. ""Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."" The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, ""Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...""" +34549,1,"[NSFW] A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He walks up to the nurse at the desk and demands she opens the sperm sample vault. ""But it's just sperm..."", she replies. ""Open it!"", he orders. She promptly opens it, and allows the man to look into the vault. ""Drink it"", he says, pointing at one of the samples. Reluctantly, but quickly, she slurps one back. ""Drink another"", he says pointing at a second bottle of semen. She drinks another, and at his further request, 4 more. When she's finished, the man pulls off the mask and says; ""See darling? That wasn't so difficult now was it."" " +34550,1,My girlfriend invited me to have some cyber-sex... I thought it was gonna be just some us time but it turned out it was a 4G! +34551,1,A Turk and a german granny in the bus An old german granny hears a young Turk boasting: There are now nearly 7 Million Turks in Germany. The old woman replies: There were also 7 Million Jews here once. +34552,3,My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black... She is a ricist +34553,0,"Yo mama so fat Obi wan told her : ""You have the high ground""" +34554,1,"What's the motto for Child Protective Services? ""You shake em' we take em!""" +34555,2,"A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, ""Do you know this guy?"" The second guy responded, ""No, but his face rings a bell."" The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below The same two guys walk by The first asks, ""Do you know him?"" The second guy responds, ""No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday.""" +34556,6,"So, no nut November has been over for about a week... About how long should it take for them to grow back?" +34557,1,"A Robber Tells His Two Hostages: ""I am going to kill you because you've seen my face but first, what are your names?"" The female hostage says ""My name is Jessica,"" The robber says ""Oh, I can't kill you, that's my mother's name!"" He turns to the male hostage and asks "" Well, what's your name?"" The male hostage says ""My name's Jim but my friends call me Jessica,"" " +34558,0,What's the square root of 69? Ate something. +34559,0,Winning the lottery is a 50/50 chance You either win..... Or you don't +34560,1,A man throws a lamp out into sea. The bottom of the sea is dark after all. +34561,0,What is a wock? A wock is what you thwow at a wabbit when you can’t find yow wifle eheheheheh. +34562,0,Cell phones today are awesome They are Off the Hook! +34563,2,My Toilet is seeing a therapist now. Let's just say it's seen some shit. +34564,1,I don't have much job security at the crematorium. Everyone keeps getting fired. +34565,3,"An argument in a bar There are two men in a bar. One of them happens to be a paraplegic in a wheelchair. An argument begins between the two men and gets heated and one man punches the man in the wheelchair knocking him down. The man who was in the wheelchair looks up at the man who knocked him down and responds “You May have won this one but when we meet in heaven I’ll get you back” The other man replies “That won’t happen for 2 reasons. 1, I just hit a cripple in a bar I’m not going to heaven. 2, there’s a stairway to heaven not a ramp.”" +34566,5,I made a website for orphans It doesn’t have a homepage +34567,2,"A Blonde and a Brunette are having coffee In walks the Brunettes' fiancee, bearing a dozen roses. The Brunette rolls her eyes and says ""now I'm going to have to spend the weekend with my legs up in the air."" The Blonde looks at the Brunette with surprise, and says ""oh, don't you have a vase?""" +34568,3,Dark jokes are like food. Not everyone gets it. +34569,2,Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor? It was a stage he was going through. +34570,2,Chuck Norris heard his daughter lost her virginity. He went out and got it back. +34571,6,I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language... ...entirely out of tattoos. +34572,0,Why did the chicken cross the very busy road? To get to the oth- +34573,5,Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex? They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy +34574,1,My sushi preparation class had a kleptomanniac as a substitute teacher She took roll +34575,0,What do a yoga instructor and a Mexican restaurant that only serves water have in common? ¡No más te! +34576,0,"How do you improve a building? Constructive criticism! Sorry, not sorry!" +34577,0,What's a priest's favorite sex position? Missionary +34578,2,How do you know your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up! +34579,1,Why do Chicago commuters hate Christmas? Noel. Noel. +34580,2,I don't always drink and drive. But when I do... it's when I'm playing Mario Kart. +34581,0,"I don't understand why people say ""Oh it's just walking distance away"" Everything is walking distance if you have the time." +34582,1,"Hit me with your best clever, yet kid friendly, jokes Context: I work at a a company that works with large groups of children. At least 3 times a day someone if telling a joke to the whole audience. The problem is, I've been working here for 6 years and at this point there are very few kid friendly jokes that aren't the same 6-7 or ancient repeats from years past. This, I ask of you: Unleash the HaHa's and let life be blown into the sails that are the ""5 Minute Joke"" " +34583,4,My psychiatrist told me to just write letters to the people I hate and burn them Now I wonder what to do with the letters +34584,2,I would never suck dick for coke... But I'd definitely suck dick for more coke. +34585,0,What's a great way to piss your brother off? Screw his sister +34586,0,"the hole The residents of a southern town keep falling down a deep hole in the middle of the sidewalk on Main Street and always end up dying because the nearest hospital is 40 miles away. The mayor calls a town meeting to address the issue and asks for suggestions. ""We need our own hospital!"" says one local. ""That's beyond our budget,"" answers the mayor. ""Anyone else?"" ""How 'bout this?"" says another hick. ""Just dig the hole next to the hospital.""" +34587,0,"Man with a long face walks into a bar Bartender says, ""Hey, where's the horse?""" +34588,0,You're finishing making dinner and you run out of pepper. What do you do? Stand next to a Trump protester and wait for the police to show up. Edited for the dummies: Pepper spray... Watch some Youtube videos instead of Keeping up with the Kardashians. +34589,5,"Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family. They seem like nice people." +34590,0,"Dave and Ronnie noticed no one else was wearing a collar Then they realized, they were in a stray bar." +34591,0,What do you call a stingy cow? A cheap steak. +34592,3,"There was a kindly old Walmart greeter... ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a ""Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!"" or an ""Enjoy your shopping!"" One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him. Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, ""What wonderful children you have; are they twins?"" The lady snorts and replies back ""Are you blind? They're five and seven and look nothing alike. How could anyone mistake them for twins?"" The old man, in his calm and cheerful demeanor, smiles broadly at the lady, and says, ""Well, Miss, I didn't think anyone would want to fuck you twice."" My friend told me this joke awhile back. I'm not sure where he got it from, but it's one of my favorites, so if it's been posted before, whatever, it's still a good joke. " +34593,0,What do you call a senior with no prom date? A parkland survivor +34594,0,Vote Trump; Pro Life Tip +34595,2,What did god say when humans learned to create artificial life? “Repost!!” +34596,1,Why was the pharaoh startled by his wife's loud fart? It was a toot uncommon to him. +34597,0,"What do you say when you see the promiscuous girl from Accounting as she's buying cheap perfume and a birthday bag? Hey, it's the thot that counts" +34598,4,How do you count cows? With a cowculator +34599,0,My girlfriend is like my iPhone 7 She only let's me stick my dongle up one hole +34600,1,"A Muslim Imam, after years of adherence to the Quran, begins to wonder what pork taste like... He confesses this temptation to his wife who reaffirms that pork is strictly forbidden by their faith. ​ One evening, however, he gives in to his curiosity and buys a pulled pork slider on his way back from work. He finds a quiet bench in a nearby park and prepares to take a bite of his sandwich when, out of nowhere, his wife appears and begins to shout at him. ""I told you that this is wrong!"" she screams. ""Why are you doing this?!!"" . . . . . . ""Why?"" replies the man, ""I DO IT FOR HARAM BAE"" ​" +34601,3,Sex is like a confusing joke. I don't get it. +34602,1,Call me apathetic I don't care. +34603,0,"They say that one in five people are Chines My family has five people is it, so statistically, one of us must be Chinese. I know it's not me, my mom or my dad. So it's either my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho Chan Chu. I think it's Colin." +34604,4,"How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps? In fluid pounces! (just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)" +34605,4,"My mom became a man, and now I can’t see her anymore She’s trans parent" +34606,0,What do you call a masturbating pancake? A fapjack. +34607,2,How does Jesus make tea? Hebrews it. +34608,1,"What did Ferris Bueller name his donkey? Shane, darling donkey Shane." +34609,1,[NSFW] I walked in on my wife having sex with my brother... He's been dead for 5 years. If he ain't breathin' it ain't cheatin'. +34610,0,NSFW After the crematorium Three gay friends had just died in a helicopter accident and their partners were at the crematorium to pick up their loved ones remains. The conversation turned to what they were going to do with the ashes. The first mentioned that he and his husband loved rock fishing so he was going to their favorite fishing spot and he would scatter his ashes at dawn the time of day they both loved The second told of his partners love of space and how they had found someone to send his ashes on a one way trip to discover the universe And then the third told his plan he was going home to cook up a big pot of curried beans adding to this 4 packets of laxatives his partners ashes and he was going to scoff the lot. WHAT THE FUCK for the other 2 exclaimed. I want to feel him dribble out my bum one more time +34611,0,Here's a joke a co-worker told me..... My life....... +34612,2,My abacus is really reliable for simple maths. You can count on it. +34613,1,"But what is Vsauce? You are in a room with Michael. Michael is staring into your eyes. His lips part. He speaks the sweet, golden words. ""But... what are, eyes?"" His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left. His eyebrow raises slightly. He gestures with his hands. He goes on a tangent about eyeballs... ...and mentions how they contain vitreous humour He stares into your eyes. ""But... what *is* vitreous humour?"" His eyebrow raises further. The skin begins to split. His smile widens. He gestures wider. He goes on a tangent about bodily fluids. Including spit. He stares into your eyes. ""But... what is, spit?"" His eyebrow raises further. The skin snaps grotesquely. His smile widens ever further. It reaches his ears now. His bald head glistens softly in the light. His gestures reach the walls now. You ask him if he feels pain. His smile widens. It reaches his scalp now. ""But... what **is** pain?"" His eyebrow is no longer connected to his face. It has ascended. Both literally and metaphorically. His smile is no longer a smile. It is a gash in his face. The bone is exposed. He stares into your soul. His jawbone shifts uneasily. ""But what is bone?"" he asks. You weep softly. His gestures puncture the wall now. You ask, again, if he feels pain. He goes on a tangent about how pain is related to nerves. You feel it. Deep within you. ""But... what are, nerves?"" He is a skull now. You are no longer within a room. You are in a void. There is only you. A skull. And an eyebrow. Floating softly above. He grins. ""But what is... void?""" +34614,3,"A man goes to the doctor After a few tests he says “Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health” The doctor says “Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all” The man replies “What? I don’t believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff” “Oh, not that” answers the doctor. “My thermometer broke” " +34615,0,You're the limit to shelf life. You're the expiration. +34616,0,My favorite part of new years is When the ball drops +34617,5,"Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, ""I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."" Then I said, ""Turn Left." +34618,1,What’s the opposite of an orgy? A Reddit meet-up +34619,0,I tried to give my cat a bath... But I ended up with fur all over my tongue. +34620,1,"An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says ""I've got some bad news for you, you have cancer and you have Alzheimer's"" And the old man says, ""well at least I don't have cancer.""" +34621,1,Did you hear about the doctor who went into their waiting room and started screaming at everyone? He lost all his patients +34622,0,A wise man once said that life is like a box of chocolates the black ones don't last very long +34623,0,My daughter asked me to build her a tree house. We called it Noah's ark because the wood came in two by two. +34624,0,"Upon assuming power, a tribal chief who had a soft spot for animals forbade the killing of all living creatures... Before long, the number of lions and cheetahs were getting out of hand. There were so many that they didn't have enough to eat and began feeding on humans. The people were terrified and asked their chief to reverse his order, but he refused. The people decided they had no choice but to overthrow their chief. It was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game." +34625,0,"My friend asked me if I had the old Blu-ray discs. I told him yes He asked if he could borrow them for a week because his in-laws are visiting and their kids have nothing to watch and his internet is down. He asked me all kind of kids movies. I said to him,"" You could have anything but I am never gonna give you Up""" +34626,0,Why did the firecracker shoot himself? He wanted to go out with a bang. +34627,1,"So there’s this man sitting at a bar This other man comes to sit right behind him, in search of company. So the first man says, “Watch this” And pulls out his bag. And our come a small man, a piano proportional to his size, and a little stool, and starts playing marvelously. The other man asks, “How did you do that?!” He replies, “I carry around a genie with me, but he emerges from my pocket; he is very old, and can only grant one wish” The man replies, “Ok, I’d like 1,000,000 bucks right now!” So the genie grants his wish. Sooner enough, 1,000,000 ducks walk into the bar, then he asks, “What’s this?! I asked for 1,000,000, dollars, not Ducks!” Then the other man says, “Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?!”" +34628,1,People wonder how my wife and I can still love our daughter even though she's a stripper But she twerks for us +34629,9,"I told a girl, ""you look great without glasses"" She said, ""but I don't wear glasses."" I replied, while polishing my lenses, ""yeah, but I do.""" +34630,2,I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft. I just conduit. +34631,0,I just found out my wife's girlfriend is gay. Should I warn her? +34632,3,"Schmidt's boss was about to fire him when he said... [Long] ""I know people!"" Schmidt's boss looked at him, ""are you threatening me?"" ""No, no, not like that"" Schmidt pauses, ""I'm friends with everyone! Who would you like to meet? If you let me stay in this job, you can hang out with anyone!"" The boss thought for a second, skeptical. ""I'll choose three people, and if they all know you, you get your job back. Let's put Bradley Cooper on the phone."" Schmidt smiles ecstatically ""mention me when you call, his agents know me too, so that'll help you get through."" Sure enough, at the mention of Schmidt's name, the star got on the line and talked to Schmidt and his boss for a good half hour. After the call, Schmidt looked to his boss, ""Who's next?"" ""Gordon Ramsey."" *** ""Schmidt? How the fuck are you doing?"" After calling, Chef Ramsey had invited them out to his home, and the next day, Schmidt's boss gave him one more request. ""The Pope."" *** They traveled to the Vatican, standing in a large crowd below the balcony. ""I'm not sure he'll see me from here..."" Schmidt pondered. Suddenly a smile came to his face, ""I know the guards, they'd definitely let me see the pope! I'll come out on the balcony, see you in a few!"" Sure enough, in ten minutes Schimdt's boss saw Schmidt and the pope waving down at him from the balcony. As Schmidt came down to see his boss, he found him crumpled on the ground, a doctor taking care of him. ""What happened?"" Schmidt asked, worried. ""He's had a heart attack"" *** Later, when Schmidt's boss came to, Schmidt asked him what happened. ""Well, everything was going fine until the guy next to me went, 'hey, whose that dude standing next to Schmidt?'"" " +34633,2,There was a brawl at the orchestra today. Lots of violin-ce +34634,0,What does a plant cell typically consist of? Three concrete walls with no windows and some sturdy iron bars. +34635,0,What's the difference between astronomy and astrology? One is a science and the other is written about in every single newspaper every freaking day! +34636,6,I may be schizophrenic... ...but at least i have each other. +34637,1,"Wife wants to relax today! Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents. 😀" +34638,0,What did the guy say when he saw three Japanese flags in a row? Nothing +34639,0,I don't know Why people called me racist? I am good with money like Jews are. I have squinty eyes like asians have. I love fried chicken like black people does. +34640,5,Its Ramadan Now I have a religious reason to be broke and starving +34641,0,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. +34642,4,"My mother called me a son of a bitch One time my mother called me a son of a bitch, so I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother." +34643,2,Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom. +34644,6,"A man and a woman get married After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time. As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp. The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years. As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, ""Careful, watch out for that corner...""" +34645,1,"A Woman Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor... ...and says to the artist, ""I'd like a tattoo of Johnny Cash on the inside of my left thigh, and a tattoo of Hank Williams on the inside of my right thigh."" She sits in the chair and the artist goes to work. When he's finished, he shows her the results with a mirror, but the woman is unimpressed. ""That doesn't look a thing like Johnny Cash and Hank Williams!"" she complains. The tattoo artist, defending his work, suggests an outside opinion might help settle the matter. He goes out onto the sidewalk and comes back with an old wino. He stands the wino in front of the woman's spread legs and says, ""Who are those men?"" The wino takes a long look, scratches his chin, and says, ""I don't recognize either of those fellers on the left and right, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson.""" +34646,0,"What's a tragedy? asks Donald Trump During one of his campaign trips, Donald Trump visits an elementary school and enters one of the classrooms. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.” So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a redditor reposts another redditor's joke, it would a tragedy. ” “Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”" +34647,2,"What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning? ""Just 5 more minutes.""" +34648,6,"PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, ""You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!"" DO NOT OPEN IT. It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. " +34649,1,There's a new psychiatric drug that helps with addiction to anal sex. It's called Trinoacitol. +34650,1,I was at the park today Wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger.... then it hit me. +34651,1,I saw an oldman struggling with his cane while crossing the street so I decided to help! I carried his cane to the other side so it doesn't annoy him. +34652,2,Russian roulette five out of six scientists claim that playing russian roulette its absolutely safe! +34653,2,"A young couple attend a dance together... A young couple attend a dance together. When the two arrive at the dance, there is a long line to enter the dance hall. After waiting and waiting, the couple make it to the front entrance. They are told they can’t enter the dance hall unless they have a ticket. The line for tickets is quite long, but not as long as the line entering the hall. After waiting and waiting, the couple get their ticket, and finally enter the hall. Inside the dance hall there is a photo booth, but there is a long line for the photo booth. After waiting and waiting, the couple enter the photo booth and get their picture taken. All of this waiting is making the couple a bit thirsty. The guy offers to get a glass of punch for his date. There is no punch line. " +34654,0,What's brown and sticky????? A stick!!! +34655,3,TIL that the Welsh first made condoms out of sheep intestines The English then improved the idea by taking it out of the animal first +34656,2,"What does the sign at an out of business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed" +34657,0,Yo Mama Yo momma so old she still has a slot for floppy diks +34658,1,"My wife said to me today, ""My body is a temple."" I replied, ""Fucking shame it's ancient and in ruins...""" +34659,2,Im going to Chernobyl but the trip costs an arm and a leg Thankfully by the time I get back I will have a few to spare +34660,0,Who lives in orange synagogue? Fruit Jews . . . Kill me +34661,2,"Two friends are at a bar, then one goes to the bathroom... Friend 1: Dude, I just made $150.50 sucking dick in the bathroom Friend 2: Who gave you 50 cents? Friend 1: All of them!" +34662,0,"The Christmas Tree Chronicle My dad and I went out to buy a Christmas tree a few days ago, and this year we decided to go all out and get a really big one. Since we had just moved and we now have 14 foot ceilings, there would finally be room for one of those massive Christmas trees everyone fantasizes about. I, of course, had to come along to help lift it because dad's back isn’t what it used to be. So we get to the store (if I hadn’t mentioned, we still go with artificial trees) and there's nothing on the shelf. We were kinda pissed because we called in earlier to make sure one was there. We assumed someone had bought it but we dragged over an employee anyway. The employee says that they had actually helped someone buy it not 20 minutes ago but they thought there were more in back since the store had received some Christmas trees earlier that morning. 10 minutes pass, he doesn’t come back 20 minutes My dad is livid now for various reasons and he sends me off to find the employee which I finally do, and he's helping a couple. When there's a break in the conversation he looks at me in shock. He claims he ""forgot about us"" Bullshit. At this point I’m pretty pissed but the employee was more than happy to help us now (probably because he was terrified and felt bad, whatever). I go with him this time but he won’t let me in the receiving area (which is fair). FINALLY after a couple of minutes he comes out with one of the 10' trees. He then helps us roll it to the cash. The thing is massive. Now I knew the store would try to push some type of extra crap on us like tree warranty or something and that’s when I saw a pamphlet to have one of their employees go to your house and set up your tree for you for an extra 25 dollar charge. I thought “who needs that? We have 2 capable men right here who can do it.” We get to the cash and dad starts to pay and just as I expected... the cashier says: “Are you going to put that up yourself?” and my dad says ""Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it up in the living room"" " +34663,3,"I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working. It just doesn't make any scents " +34664,1,"Rumor has it Tom Hanks just signed a deal to star in a sequel to one of his greatest 80s blockbusters. Big, if true." +34665,0,"Mario was tired of stomping turtles and decided to become a scientist After a year of preparing, Mario was on the last run of his current career. Unfortunately, he forgot to jump, and fell into a bottomless pit. His last words before becoming his dream job of a scientist were “Oh no! Iodide!”." +34666,0,"Whats up with the sudden increase of ""i like my women how I like my coffee""? Its starting the grind my beans. " +34667,2,"A Mom brings her son to the doctor because of his diet Mom: please help doctor. He’s such a picky eater! Doctor: what are his favorite foods? Mom: he only eats one thing: rump roast steak between two sesame buns The doctor pauses to think then says, “Yes I’ve seen this before...sounds like Ass Burgers.”" +34668,1,"My friends keep telling me, how positive I always am. Now they know why, I never go to the sex clinic." +34669,1,If your foot was a sandwich What kind of sandwich would it be? Belowknee +34670,3,What does a short-sighted gynaechologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. +34671,1,"What do you call it when you change ""shit"" to ""shat""? a vowel movement" +34672,1,"Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside. If it's wide use 3 fingers. Make sure it's real wet. Rub up and down. Yep, that's how you wash a cup." +34673,4,"What did the left buttcheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this shit." +34674,0,Where do young harp seals go at nighttime? Clubbing +34675,4,"A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer ""What exactly did he do?"" the officer responds "" He was walking around taking pictures up girl's skirts"" before the detective interviews the man he peaks in the other room and sees a tiny sword chained to the table. The detective is confused not only as to why a blade is in the interview room, and if it was an accomplice to this man then why it wasn't in evidence. And why was is restrained when the man isn't. He asks the officer these questions and the police man says "" He was committing the same crime, he's just a little rapier""" +34676,0,"BB King’s birthday... ...was just around the corner and his girlfriend was stumped on what to get him. Finally in a flash of inspiration she decides to get a “B” tattooed on each butt cheek as a very personal gift just for him. The big day arrives and she pulls him into the bedroom, drops her drawers, bends over and says, “Here’s your birthday present! Do you like it?” And B.B. says, “It’s nice, but who the hell is Bob?”" +34677,0,"A person walks into a refrigerator. ""Shit, it's cold in here"", he thinks. He then gets out, because prolonged exposure to such conditions may cause hypothermia. " +34678,0,The sun keeps going around and around... ... It really makes my day. +34679,0,"A burglar robs a house A burglar is robbing a house. In that house lives a man, woman, and 2 children. The man is cornered, and he says: ""Please, I have a wife and two children! I beg you!"" The burglar replies: ""Fine, I won't kill you."" The man is surprised. He yells, ""What the fuck!?"" " +34680,3,"Not a dad joke A couple have sex every day for months, trying in vain to conceive. Eventually they go to the fertility doctor to get tested. The wife goes in first and comes back out a short while later with perfectly normal test results. The man goes in second, but when he comes out, his head is hanging low. He tells his wife that he is sterile. ""You must be joking,"" she says. He replies, ""I kid you not.""" +34681,1,"My depressed son once confided in me, to which I replied: ""Don't worry, you're my reason to smile... ... because you're a joke.""" +34682,0,addictive games My daughter showed me a game called Agar.io the other day I was sucked right in. +34683,2,How does Superman get out of risky situations? He always has an ‘S’ cape +34684,0,Why does debt collector enjoy new bar ? It has some extra feechairs. +34685,0,I only wanted one girlfriend ... But some guy with a turban and a bombvest offered me 72! Édit:this is a better version of my last that absolutely sucked. Your welcome +34686,4,What happens when you step on a grape? It lets out a little wine. +34687,0,"My family and I are going camping for Memorial Weekend. I asked my mother if I could bring my trombone so I can practice, but she said no, because we might get ***banned.***" +34688,2,What do you call a handsome sprinter? Dashing. +34689,3,Why do police have file cabinets? For organized crime. +34690,0,"A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Wifes. When men go to choose a wife, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: ""You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"" So, a man goes to the Wife Store to find a wife. The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These women like sex. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women like sex and doesn't talk much. Other floors have not been visited." +34691,9,Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches +34692,4,Why does Karl Marx not take milk in his tea? Because proper tea is theft. +34693,7,"The Boston Zoo had a large problem. The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jamie. The manager finds a man suitable for the job and tells him, “All you’ve got to do is swing around and lay down for 12 hours a day. Act just as any gorilla would” The man agrees, puts on the costume, and heads into his enclosure. When the zoo opens, people rush to see the legendary Jamie the Gorilla. The man, though nervous at first, starts to walk around like a gorilla normally would. The observers smile at his actions so he decides to kick it up a notch. The man grabs hold of a vine and begins to swing from one side of his enclosure to the other. The crowd shows admiration, laughing and pointing at his acrobatic skills. The man decides to take things even further and does a backflip off of the vine onto a high tree branch. The crowd erupts with applause, chanting “Jamie! Jamie! Jamie!” at the top of their lungs. The man decides he will do one final stunt. He climbs up onto the vine and builds up some momentum, however as he begins to reach a fast speed, his hand slips and he flies over a wall right into the lion enclosure! Panicking, the man begins to scream, “Help me! I’m not actually a gorilla, please someone help!” The lion snarls and pounces on the man and says “Hey man, shut your mouth or we’re both gonna lose our jobs!”" +34694,7,"My son didn't cope well with going to jail... He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop. After that, we never played Monopoly again." +34695,2,I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. +34696,2,"3rd Grade Classroom in a Chicken Farming Community Miss Coral is a 3rd grade teacher in a rural community where almost all of the residents are chicken farmers. She decides to do a lesson with her students on stories with morals, and gives her students the homework of finding a story from their families that have morals. The next day she asks her class who has a story. Every single hand goes up and she calls on Susie to tell a story.   ""My daddy is a chicken farmer,"" begins Susie, ""And once he was driving to market with all of the eggs from a whole week in the back of his pickup. He hit a giant pothole in the road and the eggs bounced high into the air and broke! And the moral of the story is: don't put all of your eggs in one basket.""   ""Thank you Susie"" said Miss Coral, ""Anybody else?"" Every single hand in the classroom was still raised high, so she called on little James.   ""My daddy is a chicken farmer,"" began James, ""And he will sell baby chicks to other farmers who need more chickens. One time he agreed to sell ten baby chicks, but only seven hatched from the eggs! He had to give back the money for the other three. And the moral of the story is: don't count your chickens before their hatched.""   ""Thank you James,"" said Miss Coral. ""Anybody else?"" Every hand went up. She realized that she was going to have to sit through more chicken farming stories. She had come to town on a rural teaching program and was sick of chicken farming, she was sick of chicken stories, so she asked, ""Does anybody have a story that does not have to do with chicken farming?""   Only one hand stayed up. It was little Frank. Frank lived on the edge of town in a trailer park and didn't contribute much to class, so with a sigh of relief she called on him to tell his story.   ""Well,"" began Frank, ""My uncle Jimmy was a helicopter pilot in 'Nam, and one day his chopper was hit and went down in the jungle. Sizing up the situation, he realized he was surrounded by fifty Viet Cong. All he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. So he drank the entire bottle of whiskey. Mowed down 20 Viet Cong with the machine gun, hacked through 20 Viet Cong with the machete, and tore apart the last 10 with his bare hands!""   The entire room is silent. Nobody know what to say. Finally, Miss Coral breaks the silence and asks Frank what the moral to his story is.   ""Well,"" says Frank, ""Like my Daddy always says to me: Don't you fuck with your uncle Jimmy when he's been drinkin'.""" +34697,0,Rappers these days are terrible with literary devices. Biggie Smalls is ironically moronic at oxymorons. +34698,0,"A conductor is doing an international tour with his orchestra He plays in Australia and gets booed. He plays in France and gets horrible reviews. The last country he's playing in is America. However during the second movement he goes berserk and stabs the second violinist through the eye with his baton. He is sentenced to death row. When the day comes for him to die, he is offered a last meal. 'I'd like a canary tomato,' he says. They ask what that is, and he explains that it is a tomato from the canary island. They send someone off to the canary islands. It turns out there's a shortage of canary tomatoes. The guy searches for days and eventually find one in an illegal black market. He pays $8000 for it, and goes back to America. The conductor eats the canary tomato and says 'that was very nice.' Then they sit him down in the electric chair, and push the button. BANG. He gets 100,000 volts. And he survives. There is a lot of fuss, everyone blames each other, and eventually they decide to try again tomorrow. The next day they ask him what he wants his last meal to be. 'I'd like a canary tomato,' he says. Frustrated they send someone off to the canary islands, and they find out one of the last canary tomato is on a single plant at the top of a mountain. He climbs this mountain, and after getting lost, losing hope, thinking he's going to die, he finds a single tomato plant, on which is growing one single, weather-beaten canary tomato. He grabs it and flies back to America. The conductor eats the canary tomato and says 'that was very nice.' Then they sit him down in the electric chair, and push the button. BANG. He gets 1,000,000 volts. And he survives. Again, there is a lot of fuss, everyone blames each other, and eventually they decide to try again tomorrow. The next day they ask him what he wants his last meal to be. 'I'd like a canary tomato,' he says. Angry, they send someone off to the canary island. It turns out there is only one canary tomato left in the country. It's in the middle of a cave system. The guy navigates through the cave. He gets lost, his head torch runs out of battery, he nearly drowns falling in an underground lake. Eventually, he sees light. He comes to a clearing - he can see the sky, miles above him! There lies one single tomato plant, upon which grows one single, disgusting, withered canary tomato. He grabs it, makes his way out and flies back to America. The conductor eats the canary tomato and says 'that was very nice.' Then they sit him down in the electric chair, and push the button. BANG. He gets 10,000,000 volts. And he survives. Furious, they yell at him, 'how can you survive our electric shocks?! What is it about the canary tomatoes that means you can survive them?!' He replies, 'oh, it has nothing to do with the canary tomatoes. I'm just not a very good conductor.'" +34699,0,What do marijuana and the Qu'ran have in common Burning them will get you stoned. +34700,1,"A young polar bear comes home from school So a young polar bear comes home from school and says to his father... 'Dad, you're a Polar bear right? His father says ""Yes of course I am!"" Next day he comes home and asks... 'Is mom a polar bear?' ""Yes obviously your mother is!"" All week long he comes home with more questions...Are grandpa and grandma polar bears? Are auntie and uncle polar bears? By Friday his dad has had enough. As soon as he walks in the door his dad says""OK what is up with you this week? Everyday it's a new question...Am I a polar bear?...is mom a polar bear? What is your problem?! Seriously dad, I'm fucking freezing. " +34701,5,"An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: ""Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” ​ He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, ""Well, how was that?"" ​ The Airbus pilot answers: ""Very impressive, but now have a look here!"" ​ The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, ""Well, what are you saying now?"" ​ The jet pilot asks confused: ""What did you do?"" The other laughs and says, ""I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. """ +34702,3,"A professor is giving a talk about sex.. Addressing the crowd, he stands up. ""It gives me great pleasure..."" Then he sits down." +34703,7,Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'. +34704,0,"Why is the dating app called Tinder? When you left-swipe, all of your matches go up in flames." +34705,2,"A storm-tossed ship was about to go under The captain shouted to the crew, ""Anyone here know how to pray?"" Just one guy stepped forward and said, ""Aye, captain,I know how to pray."" ""Good,""said the captain, ""You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.""" +34706,0,Do u know why all the pills are white colored? Because they work +34707,0,"A couple is taking a shower together The guy says ""could you pass the soap?"" The girlfriend then responded "" no soap, radio""" +34708,0,Who is holding the world longest refractory period? Jesus Christ. +34709,2,I found out what is going on with Hawaii Someone stole the heart of Tafiti +34710,2,What does a vegan cowboy put in his cereal? Y’ALLMOND MILK +34711,3,"How far can you run into the woods? Halfway, any further and you're running out." +34712,1,Who's your favorite nun? Ya Bidness +34713,0,What does a whore house and a teenager have in common? Hormones +34714,4,"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside" +34715,0,"What's so great about pregnant girls? When you have sex with her, it's basically a threesome" +34716,3,What do you call a horse that lives next to you? A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke. +34717,0,How the accountants cheer up their parties? They invite a funeral director +34718,1,Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube. +34719,1,"An old-fashioned joke A young lady comes home after work and her daddy says: ""I have two good news for you!"" \\- Oh really? Tell me the news! \\- The guy that you were dating for the last 8 months came this morning, said that bought a big house to start a family and asked me for your hand. I gave him my blessing! \\- Oh that's great!!! But I'll be very sad to leave mother... \\- That's the second good news: you can take her with you!!!" +34720,0,Did you know the 9/11 terrorists joined the mile high club before they died? Yeah they snuck 2 goats on each plane +34721,0,My mate Simon has moved to Ho Chi Minh City... That's Si gone. +34722,2,Gay is a mental illness You're not thinking straight +34723,2,"Why does Mexico always do so poorly in the olympics? Anyone who could run, swim or jump made it to the USA." +34724,1,What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt! +34725,0,"You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a root." +34726,5,"A cowboy joke Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, ""I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."" The second chimes in, ""Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."" The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis." +34727,2,"I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ""Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt""" +34728,0,"I quit my band, 1023MB, the other day... We never had a Gig." +34729,1,It’s a great time to live in California Because all the giant tsunamis caused by the giant earthquakes can put out the giant fires +34730,4,What was the last thing Jesus felt? Cross... +34731,4,My dog can do magic tricks... He's an Abracadabrador. +34732,1,My Boss is full of hot air. I blame myself though. It's cos of all the smoke I blow up his ass. +34733,5,I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records Now I want to break three +34734,0,"Stuart’s Legacy There once was a boy named Stuart. Stuart was born to a single mother named August. August loved Stuart more than words could express. She took Stuart with her everywhere she went and they were very happy and inseparable. Unfortunately, one dreary day, August and Stuart were driving to town for groceries, when a van ran a red light and slammed into August’s car. August was killed instantly. Baby Stuart was unharmed but now he was an orphan. Stuart had no other living family and was sent to an orphanage. Stuart stayed in the orphanage for 3 years, and on his 4th birthday he was adopted by the Wongs family. The Wongs were a young Chinese couple, named June and Henry, who weren’t able to have children. Early life was good for Stuart and the Wongs, Until June died of a brain aneurysm when Stuart was 8. From then on, Stuart’s happy life wasn’t so happy anymore. Henry went out and drank all day from depression. Late at night Henry would stumble back home drunk and agitated. That’s when the beatings happened. Stuart grew to hate Henry, but he also felt like it was his fault. He had never had a father before and now the only father figure in his life would get drunk and beat him. Stuart tried his hardest to win Henry’s favor, he wanted to make him happy and proud of him. When Stuart was 16, he devised a plan to get rich and famous so his father would finally notice him. Stuart decided he’d become a famous race car driver. He got a part time job at the local arcade as the race track instructor for the go-karts and practiced going around the circular track as much as he could. Stuart never owned a car, he only got to drive the go-karts at his job until he was 19 and needed a real job. Stuart quit his job and walked down to the race track and got a job in a pit crew for a NASCAR driver. After a couple months of working on the driver’s car, Stuart was named the pit captain and was great friends with the NASCAR driver. Still his father wasn’t proud of him. He didn’t come to any of the races Stuart invited him to. One day, Stuart got up the courage to ask the driver if he could take his car for a spin on the race track. The driver obliged and showed Stuart how the car worked and how to shift gears. Stuart had never driven a car so it was a lot to take in. After a while, he got the hang of it and could do a couple laps around the track. 5 years later when Stuart was 24, the driver retired and the sponsors needed someone to take his place. Since Stuart had been practicing and learning from the driver, he became superb on the track and was ultimately chosen as his replacement. He had done it, he was officially a NASCAR driver, surely now his father would recognize him. However, that wasn’t the case. His father never showed up to any of his races. Stuart was exceptionally gifted and won every race he participated in by a landslide. He was the best racer on the planet. Finally, it was time to compete for the championship. It was a day like any other day for him, he wasn’t nervous at all. He was confident and excited for his chance to finally show his father that he deserved his attention. Then he saw him in the stands. Henry, his father, actually came to his championship race, not only that, but he was supporting Stuart with a pendant that read, “Stu Wongs #1” Stuart couldn’t believe it, he cried until he heard the roar of the microphone. “Racers start your engines!” The announcer cried. Stuart had so much joy in his heart, he revved his engine as loud as it would go. And then they were off. Stuart took a commanding lead and held it all the way until lap 497/500. Then tragedy struck. It was lap 498 when his back left tire blew. He was about to smash into the wall, but luckily for him, he just had to make a right turn to avoid it. Unluckily for him, he had no idea how to turn right. You see, he’s never owned a car, he only turned left his entire life. He turned left on the circular go-kart track, and all NASCAR drivers do is turn left on the ovular shaped track. He didn’t even know he had the ability to make a right turn. That being said, he rammed the front end of his car into the wall and died a slow, painful death. It was too bad that Stu Wongs never makes a right. " +34735,6,"What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad? Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail." +34736,4,"A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia. He is mumbling to himself. ""No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame"". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say: ""Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"" As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says: ""Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too.""" +34737,9,"Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said ""Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over"". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said ""Nope, it ain't Paddy."" The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, ""Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, ""No, it ain't Paddy."" The mortician asked, ""How can you tell?"" Sean said, ""Well, Paddy had two arseholes."" ""What? He had two arseholes?"" asked the mortician. ""Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'""" +34738,0,"Being homeschooled was great, but the sex Ed left a lot to be desired. My mom just laid there until class was over." +34739,3,"Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing." +34740,0,"If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, butter and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich." +34741,1,What do you call a good looking girl in Wisconsin? A Tourist! +34742,2,What do you call a russian tree? Dimitree +34743,0,"A 9 year old girl wearing a red coat in Kraków told me this joke. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ""Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."" The one says to the other, ""should we do it??"" The other says ""NO!! Are you crazy?"" The first guy replies ""Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says ""well, did you get the money?"" He replies ""Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??""" +34744,0,"A four bed room has four strangers arrive for the night, three of them open a bottle of vodka and begin to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, they begin to tell political jokes. The fourth stranger gets up from his bed and goes downstairs, he asks the hostess to make tea and bring it to room 67 In ten minutes, he then returns to the room and joins the others, five minutes later he leans down to the electric socket in the wall and says 'Comrade General tea to room 67 please' then the hostess walks in with the tea, the party dies a sudden death and the fourth stranger finally gets some sleep. He awakes the next morning and finds the room empty, he rushes downstairs and asks the hostess where the others went, she replies, 'You don't need to know that.' 'But then why was I left?' She looks at the fourth stranger and says, 'The Comrade General liked your tea gag.'" +34745,2,A Tutor Who Tooted A tutor who tooted the flute  Tried to tutor two tooters to toot  Said the two to the tutor  “Is it tougher to toot  Or to tutor two tooters to toot?” +34746,1,"One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit” One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”. Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”. Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!""" +34747,0,"Happy New Years everyone! Damn, I have to go get some food, I haven't eaten since last year!" +34748,1,What do you call a blind fascist? Can Nazi +34749,1,"A quality engineer married an average girl... ​After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patience​ ​and finally wrote a note to his father in law...​ ​Your Product Not Meeting my requirements. .​ ​The smart father in law replied..​ ​Warranty Expired.... Manufacturer not responsible.​" +34750,2,"I've memorized all the digits in pi, I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's so hard. 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9" +34751,2,"A japanese pilot was getting ready for war. He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane. The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'. The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'." +34752,0,How often to wizard journalists get paid? They make a Daily Prophet. +34753,0,Astronauts who were in orbit for a long time discovered that human foreskin grows back in zero gravity The effect is known as space de-bris +34754,2,Why do all the women love Jesus? *holds arms out to either side* because he was hung like this. +34755,2,"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I have no idea how they get in there." +34756,3,"An Irishman walks into a bar But just before he enters the bar he gets stopped by an angry nun who yells, ""think about your parents before you enter this bar."" the Irishman then sadly replies, ""both my parents are dead."" ""Then think about the damage the alcohol will do to your health!"" Now the Irishman gets a bit angry and says, ""you have no right to tell me what the alcohol will do to me! Have you even tried it yourself?"" ""well, no."" replies the nun. ""Then I will go inside and get you a drink. After you have tried it you can tell me whatever you want."" ""well okay then. Then tell me what does women like me usually drink?"" asks the nun. ""they will normally drink gin"" ""alright. Get me some gin then, but can you get it in a cup so people don't notice?"" ""okay."" Says the man and enters the bar. He walks up to the bartender and says ""hello Goodman. Can I have one pint and a gin? but put the gin in a cup for me will ya?"" the bartender then replies, ""is that bloody nun standing outside the bar again?"" " +34757,1,What do you call the head of an Orange juice factory? Chief Naval Officer +34758,2,"Two Nuns went out of their convent to do some grocery shopping They went around the town on their bicycles and had a ball of a time, since they don't usually get to roam about and the convent was soooo boring. So of course they lose track of time wandering around and exploring the town. >""Oh my! We've only ten minutes to get back!"" said the first nun. >""Follow me, I know a shortcut!"" replied the second. They whizz through a narrow alley here, and a narrow alley there, and true enough, they were back just in time to not get into trouble with Mother Superior. >""Wow, I've never come this way before"" panted the first nun. >""I know right?"", said the second. ""It's the *cobblestones*."" " +34759,1,What does a cucumber do when it's horny? Gherkin off +34760,1,Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit! That’s why the liquor stores do so well +34761,0,"A blind man walks by a fish market ""Good morning Ladies!"" " +34762,3,"The fancy dress party Steve and Jeff went to a fancy dress party. The theme was ""Emotions"". Jeff turns up, stark naked with his dick in a pear. Steve turns up, stark naked, his dick in a bowl of custard. ""What did you two come as?"" Jeff: ""I'm deep in despair, Steve is fucking disgusted""" +34763,1,"I'd love to discuss your mother, but I don't study clocks You see, I'm not a horologist." +34764,2,I've never liked dick jokes I find them a bit below the belt. +34765,0,It is so frustrating when non handicap people use handicap parking! The other day I confronted a guy who was perfectly capable of walking who parked in a handicap parking spot. He got defensive and started to fight me. Thankfully I was able to fend off both him and his wife who was in a wheelchair. +34766,0,"I'm still undecided about abortion I'm against it because it gives women a choice, but on the other hand it kills children." +34767,4,"A guy walks into a bar (I know original, right?) A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot. He notices a jar on the bar full of 20 dollar bills and asks the bartender what's up with it. The bartender tells him put a 20 in and he'll give him three tasks, upon completion he'd receive the jar of money. The guy thinks this to be obsurd and decides to keep drinking after a few more shots he can't take it anymore and puts a 20 in the jar. The bartender gives him his three tasks. 1. Chug an entire bottle of liquor (his choice) 2. There's a pit bull out back that needs a tooth pulled, pull it. 3. There's an elderly woman upstairs that hasn't had an orgasm in a very long time, make her feel like a woman again. The guy, pretty drunk at this point, goes for the choice of liquor. Picks his favorite whiskey and downs it. He heads out back to the pit bull. There's a lot of barking and screaming and about 15-20 minutes later he comes back and yells to the bartender...""ok, where's the old lady with the absess tooth?""" +34768,2,"A waiter says to a customer ""Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."" ""That's just the tip of the iceberg."" She replies." +34769,1,What did Kermit say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing. +34770,2,Did you hear the jokes about the corduroy pillows? They were making headlines. +34771,0,"Doctor, I need help. I have a bowel movement everyday at 7. But that's very health, Mr Johnson. It would be but I don't wake up until 8" +34772,0,"A guy and a goat walk in a bar The bartender says ""animals aren't allowed in here"" The guy says ""don't worry, he's with me""" +34773,9,"I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬ edit: thank you my minions, let's go G.L.O.B.A.L up in this biotch!" +34774,0,Hufflepuff is the house of stoners at Hogwartz... ...it's literally written in their name. They huffle puffs. +34775,0,Chelsea Manning is running for office in Maryland And I’m confused because that seems super ballsy +34776,2,Why did the spreadsheets get divorced? They just couldn't sort things out. +34777,1,"Two hunters are walking through the woods... When a grizzly bear suddenly attacks them. One of them manages to get up a tree to safety but the other one tripped and the bear mauled him. After the bear had calmed down and left, the one in the tree climbed down and seeing the state his friend was in called 911. ""911, what's your emergency?"", the operator said once the call connected. ""My friend was attacked by a bear and he's dead!"", the hunter yelled into his phone. ""Let's not jump to conclusions."", the operator said trying to calm the man. ""Why don't you make sure if he's actually dead first."" ""Okay!"", the hunter said. The operator heard rustling then a gun shot. The hunter got back on the phone. ""Now what?""" +34778,1,Halloween jokes What kind of music do mummies listen to? Wrap music. What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos. Whay do you call wood that's scared? Petrified. +34779,2,"A man was watching TV Man : Don’t do it ! Man : Don’t do it, you stupid idiot! Wife : What are you watching, honey? Man : Our wedding " +34780,2,The reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world ended in a disappointment. The finale was not a cliffhanger. +34781,3,Whats the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The position of the dirtbag. +34782,4,"After 4 Weeks of Unprotected Sex Girlfriend: Hey baby Boyfriend: Hey Babe Girlfriend: I wanna tell you Something. Boyfriend: Umm ok shoot. Girlfriend: Please promise me you won't get mad. Boyfriend: (Got a bit nervous) are you telling or not? Girlfriend: (Started to cry) I... I... I... I... I think... Babe i think i'm pregnant Boyfriend: Whaaaaaaaaat? Girlfriend: Yeah... I am pregnant i missed my period Boyfriend: You gotta be kidding right? Girlfriend: No babe how can i joke about something like this. [Boyfriend hangs up the phone... The girl spent ages crying thinking she had lost him for good. After 30 minutes she hears a knock on the door... BOOM it's her boyfriend, kneeling down on the floor] Boyfriend: 200 billions stars, 7 continents, 196 countries, 9 planets, 21 province, 2 capital cities and i have had the privilege of meeting such a sophisticated, intelligent, motivated, beautiful woman like you... Let me correct you... You're not pregnant, WE are pregnant... We're both responsible for the baby... I will support you and our baby. So the love of my life... Will you marry me? Girlfriend: It's not yours." +34783,0,You're a narcissist. A bet you thought this thread was about you. +34784,2,Knock Knock Who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who? VE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS! +34785,3,so I walked in an interview and.. .. and interviewer asks for my email password : interviewer : What is the password of your email ? me : it's way123 interviewer : is it 'way' or 'weigh' ? me : The one that starts with 'f' interviewer : There is no 'f' in way. me : exactly. +34786,2,"Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: ""You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."" At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, ""That'll be twenty dollars, lads."" ""Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,"" says one of the men. ""And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too,"" adds the other." +34787,0,Why doesn't white rice like brown rice? Because he's ricist +34788,0,What did the japanese call their most ridiculous tank? the Ha-Ha +34789,0,"There was a flea who was feeling a little overworked . . . So, on a friend's advice he went to the travel agency to book himself a vacation. ""What you got to cheer me up?"" He asked the travel agent. ""Sir, I have just the thing"" replied the travel agent, ""four days on Kim Kardashian's cunt. Never a dull moment there I'm sure!"" ""I'll take it!"" exclaimed the flea. So he goes off on vacation and has a pleasant enough time but it doesn't really cut it. On his return he goes back to the travel agent. ""How was the vacation sir?"" asks the travel agent. ""It was good"", said the flea, ""but I need something with a bit more action."" ""I have just the thing right here"", said the agent. ""A week on a wildebeest in Africa. Lots of action for you there."" ""Sounds good"", said the flea. ""I'll take it."" Several days later the flea's back in town and at the travel agents. ""How did sir like the wildebeest?"" said the agent. ""Oh man, it was too hot and sweaty, and those predators - they're too much. I need something a little more elegant and genteel."" ""Sir, I have just the vacation right here - 3 days on Leonardo de Caprio's mustache. Fine wines, parties interesting people - you know . . . "" ""Now, that sounds more like it."" Said the flea. So off he went for his third vacation. On his return he happened to meet the travel agent in the mall. ""Ah, sir"" said the travel agent. ""How was Leonardo de Caprio's mustache?"" ""Well it was alright but I ended up on Kim Kardashian's cunt again."" " +34790,1,"Captain Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50. In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and onion pies are $1.50, steak and onion pies are $2 and cherry pies are $3. In Barbados a mushroom pie would cost about $4 and vegetable pie is about $1.75 Haiti has cheaper ones. It's about $1 for chicken pies, less and $1 for strawberry pies and $2 for fish pies. Asked him why he's telling me all this and he replied ""The Pie rates of the Caribbean""" +34791,0,why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby. jokie +34792,4,"I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”" +34793,4,"I lost my watch at a party once. About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while harassing a woman. Infuriated, I went over and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch. " +34794,1,I found out my dad was cheating my on my mom with an obese woman. I guess you could say he was screwing a-round. +34795,1,If 4/20 is national weed day whats 4/21? National surprise drug test day! Happy 4/20 everyone! :) +34796,1,"Happy Birthday Old Man As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes... He then said, "" You know, one would have been enough.""" +34797,0,How does a kitten type when it's mad? IN ALL CATS +34798,3,Yo mama so fat Thanos had to clap +34799,1,If there’s one thing I absolutely can’t stand it’s a unicycle +34800,0,Getting caught off is bad.. getting caught En Garde is worse. +34801,1,"A German asks for a martini... ""Dry?"" asks the barman. He replies, ""Nein, just one.""" +34802,0,How come vegans don't moan during sex? Because they don’t want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy! +34803,0,They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away Apparently its illegal to throw apples at doctors. +34804,7,I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic... Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago +34805,1,"A single woman is standing in line at the supermarket checkout When the male cashier, looking at her items, says, ""You must be single."" Surprised, she looks at the items in front of her: tampons, hair curlers, milk, butter, eggs. She smiles at the cashier, ""you're right, but how did you know that I am single?"" Unsmiling, he looks up and says, ""because you're friggin' ugly.""" +34806,0,What time is it in India? 7-Eleven on the dot. +34807,1,What did Will Smith leave in the snow? Fresh Prints +34808,4,"I PISSED OFF MY NEIGHBOR ONCE AGAIN!!! She said she could see me masturbating through the window.. I told her if she would buy some blinds, I wouldn't be standing outside her window." +34809,4,I was at the museum the other day and saw my ex at the other end of the room I was about to say hi but there is too much history between us +34810,1,"Who wants to hear my joke about the periodic table? Actually Na, people won't get it." +34811,0,"Honey, did you miss me? With every bullet so far..." +34812,1,"Has this happened to you ? I was in in the public restroom I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: ""Hi, how are you?"" Me: (embarrassed) ""Doin' fine!"" Stall: ""So what are you up to?"" Me: ""Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."" Stall: ""Can I come over?"" Me: (attitude) ""No, I'm a little busy right now!!"" Stall: ""Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions! :D :D" +34813,1,If you do 't believe in horses? does that make you a neightheist? +34814,1,Why do cells grow in groups? The have to mantain homie-ostasis +34815,7,"NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!! No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We""re outta here!" +34816,1,"A man was working very hard in his lab one day... and after countless hours of working, he had finally invented what he thought was the revolution of the century; the time machine. Being so tired from his work, he decided to take a break and watch some of the latest news. He flipped through a few channels to find the news channel. The reporters live on TV were having a massive debate over the latest election. The man wondered ""what's all the big deal about the election? I mean, isn't Cook the obvious winner of the election? He's been winning since day one."" The man continued watching, waiting to see what the vote count was. Of course, he had already voted for Cook. Ballmer was definitely not winning this one. As the votes appeared on screen, he was blown away. the votes were tied down to the number, and there was nobody else left in the country to vote. ""Come on, I can't wait for this! It's going to take months just to get this sorted out."" The man walked back to his design table and took a long hard look at his creation, shining in the light. Suddenly, an idea hit him. This would be the perfect test drive for his new time machine. Excited, the man prepared himself to visit the future. Five hours later, he was ready. He strapped into the chamber and hit the button. Time whizzing past the man, he was curious about the election and what would happen. He was really hoping for Cook to win, as Ballmer was in his eyes, a complete idiot. A few minutes later, the machine completed its journey. Excited to see the future, the man jumped out and look a look around. His home was pretty much the same, but... He looked around the room to find his light switches to be...motion activated? And the doors were all opened by shining a certain flashlight he found on his table into these smooth plastic pads. Confused, the man went outside. Everything seemed like his home. It was all seemingly normal until you looked at it for a bit. Trees grew wide and not tall, and clouds were - vertical? The man was relieved to find that his car was mostly the same, but he had to use that same flashlight like device to get it to start. Driving to the nearest Mall-Mart, he went up to the nearest cashier and asked for the time and date. To his surprise, it actually *was* 3 months later. He rushed back home and turned on to the same news channel. ""BREAKING NEWS: COOK AND BALLMER BOTH ASSASSINATED, WITH COUNTRY IN CHAOS DUE TO THE LACK OF A PRESIDENT TO LEAD IT."" The man pondered this for a second and thought to himself: ""well that was unpresidented.""" +34817,1,What do men and Subway have in common? They both exaggerate the length. +34818,8,People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry. But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase. +34819,1,I wanted to do tai chi... But I ended up with chai tea. +34820,6,"Give me a T! ""Give me a T."" ""T"" ""Give me a T."" ""T"" ""Oh, fuck it. I'll go to another cafe.""" +34821,0,"Light a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night. Light a man ON fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." +34822,6,My dad is like a boomerang I hope +34823,0,You're so poor… you gain weight when you lift your wallet. +34824,3,"A dad is having sex with mom doggy style... Mom: ""I want a girl, I want a girl, I want a girl"". Dad: ""I will give you a girl, I will give you a girl"". Son is watching through the door. Listening. Then runs in the bedroom, jumps on the bed, gets in the doggy position. And says: ""I want a bike and colored pencils"". " +34825,2,What do you call a cat that’s iron man? Feline +34826,1,"Sam had been at the pub for hours As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late. So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself ""my lord I'm drunk"" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought ""screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air will help"" so he did that, and once he got to the door he breathed in a lung full of fresh air and tried standing up, just to fall over once again! He kept trying, but everytime yielding the same results. So after a few tries he thought ""God damn I'm drunk, I'll just crawl home, thank God I only live 2 houses from the pub"" so he crawls to his home and tries to open the door quietly, and pulls himself up and tries walking in...THUD...he falls over again ""screw it I'll just pull myself up the stairs and crawl in bed, I'm sure Jen is sleeping, I'll be fine"" So after struggling and finally closing the front door, he does just that, pulls himself up the railing of the stairs, crawls to his bedroom, pulls himself into bed and passes out. The next day hes woken by his wife, asking if he enjoyed his night out at the pub. He asked her how she knew? ""Well I got a call from Tom, the barkeep, this morning. He told me you left your wheelchair at the pub.""" +34827,3,"A kid asks his dad about differences Son: Dad what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically? Dad: Well son, before I tell you the answer I need you to go ask your Mom, Sister, and Brother if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The son goes and does as he's told and comes back to tell his dad. Son: They all said they would. Dad: Well the answer to your question is that ""Potentially"" we could be 3 million dollars richer, ""Realistically"" we are living with 2 hookers and a fag..." +34828,0,Johnny yelled... And Amber Heard. +34829,2,Crippled people jokes aren’t funny Can’t stand them. +34830,1,My girlfriend left me because she's fed up of me referencing the The Big Lebowski all the time She's entering a world of pain! +34831,2,There was a 4 car wreck in Mexico this morning. 93 people died. +34832,0,Why are flowers very dangerous? They have pistils. +34833,0,"Mario was talking to Luigi telling him that Peach ran off again Luigi told Mario to end it with her because this keeps happening ... When Mario confronted Peach she asked him “Mario why are you doing this??! What did I do??” He replied “it’s not you, it’s me, Mario!”" +34834,0,Why Twitter deleted so many terrorist accounts recently? Otherwise they'd kill all the 140 characters. +34835,0,"Lin-Manuel Miranda considers Mark Hamill one of his childhood heroes. In other words, Hamilton loves him a Hamill-ton." +34836,1,Just got in to anonymous alcoholic club It has been four days im getting drunk with people I dont know. +34837,0,I've been told that I'm exactly like John Cena. Completely invisible +34838,5,"Man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says ""I just had my first blow job"". With cheer in his voice bartender says ""well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house"". the mans says ""if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will""" +34839,2,I broke up with my Gym.... We were just not working out. +34840,1,"A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes. The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind. The priest says: - I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel! The philosopher says: - When you think about it, the difficulties faced by this man are unconceivable to us, and yet he is still doing anything he can to live a normal life. The politician says: - Can you ask him to play at night?" +34841,2,"Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe? More often than not, they were called ""peasants"" " +34842,0,"A man walks up the counter at a sperm bank He says to the receptionist ""Hey, thanks for the free glass of milk."" The receptionist replies ""what do you mean free milk?"" The man says ""the glass of milk that was on your counter. I said I appreciate it. I was really thirsty."" Looking visibly upset now, the receptionist says: ""Oh my God. You drank my milk."" (Credits go to the lovely Danny Sexbang, professional ear seducer and game grump extraordinaire)" +34843,0,Ariana Grande must be one of the best singers of all time her concerts are blowing up! +34844,0,Security at Airport took away my Kindle Because it was written Kindle Fire on It! +34845,1,A chair and a hooker Whats the difference between a chair and a hooker... Who's getting sat on +34846,0,What do Fortnite players and Captain America have in common? They’re all virgins! +34847,1,It's hard having to manufacture double-sided dildos for minimum wage. Just gotta do what you can to make ends meet. +34848,0,"He wanted to punch me, but couldn't because I am nonviolent and too far away. Past-a-fist." +34849,5,I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal. Jews aren't allowed to have four skins. +34850,0,The NSA doesn't understand public television Why do people enjoy watching Mr. Rogers so much when they could watch the entire neighborhood +34851,2,My close friend Elaine went to a party dressed as an Egg and made out with a guy who was dressed as a Chicken. A lifelong question was answered that night. It was the chicken. +34852,1,"Smoking cigarettes is a lot like masturbating When you're drunk at 4 am, it's great. But when you're​ doing it 20 times a day it gets to be a chore." +34853,2,"I like my coffee how I like my women Dark, delicate, and shipped to me in a box straight from Colombia " +34854,1,"Two men are out golfing one day and one decides to take a piss... ... the other man waits patiently, waiting for his friend to return from the bushes. All the sudden, he hears his friend yelp followed by his friend dashing from the bushes. The man who was waiting started to freak out and asked his friend what had happened. His friend responded with ""while I was taking a piss, a snake lunged out and bit my dick!"" The man who had waited told his friend to wait a while so that he can go to the clubhouse and get advice on what to do from the nurse working there. So the man who had waited set off to go to the clubhouse, running as fast as he could. Once he got there, he asked the nurse what he should do. The nurse replied, ""you have to suck the venom out of the wound quickly so that it doesn't get into the blood stream."" The man who had waited rushed off to get to his friend. Once he got there, he could see his friend in massive amounts of pain, he was still alive and conscious but was starting to feel the effects of the venom. The man who had waited went up to his friend with tears in his eyes and says, ""dude, your fucked!""" +34855,1,What's a computer programmer's favorite kind of boob? Pointers +34856,3,What do you call a homosexual Knight? Sergei. +34857,1,Where would you find a dog with no legs ? Where you left him !! +34858,1,Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability... ... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour. +34859,0,"What do you call a magician, who practices on his meal? Foodini! that was bad" +34860,0,What is a casino dealer's worst nightmare? Master Better +34861,2,"On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me... ""If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."" ""Fucking great."" I thought, ""First day in here and I'm already married.""" +34862,0,"After investigating why an area of crops were dying, I found it was due to malicious intervention of a third party. The plot sickens..." +34863,1,Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly? His first promise is to eliminate texas. +34864,0,"What did the Trump supporter say when he came across an injured illegal immigrant who had been hit by a passing car while doing dangerous construction work rebuilding the infrastructure of America? ""Quick, get some ICE!""" +34865,0,You know who are great at shadow puppets? Deaf people. +34866,0,Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo. +34867,3,"A boy goes to his parents to tell them something ""Mom, Dad. I'm gay."" His father then turns to him and says ""Hi Gay, I'm 100 Dollars Richer!"", while recieving money from the mom." +34868,3,I started a band named 999 megabytes We haven’t gotten a gig yet. +34869,2,"Mr. John Shit goes to court to change his name ""Hello sir, how may I help you?"" Asks the court clerk ""I would like to change my name."" ""Very well, what is your current name?"" ""John Shit."" ""My god, what a horrible name. What would you like to change it to?"" ""George Shit."" " +34870,5,I forgot who Rihanna’s boyfriend was But then it hit me +34871,4,"My doctor put me on an extremely strict diet of fruit, vegetables, and protein. My wife’s totally behind it, but I’m allowed one cheat-day so on Mondays when we go to her family’s I nip out into the orchard and fuck her sister." +34872,1,"People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome. Personally, I'm gladiator." +34873,0,My friend and I were throwing all the chinaware in the house at each other and it looked like a scene from a sci-fi movie. There were flying saucers everywhere +34874,0,"A priest and a rabbi... were walking and talking about god together. A small boy is walking towards them. The priest says, ""Hey, let's take him to the back and screw him."" The rabbi replied, ""Outta what?""" +34875,5,"Last night, I was laying in my bed, looking up the stars as I thought to my self.. Where the fuck is my roof??" +34876,3,I like my women like I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed up with coke +34877,5,Is “buttcheeks” one word? Or should I spread them apart? +34878,4,"The inventor of the snooze button just died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:05, 8:10 and 8:15." +34879,2,How does Harry Potter go down a hill? Walking... JK Rolling +34880,1,What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection +34881,2,I hate when people have missing toes! You might even say I'm...lack toes intolerant. (Is this a dad joke? The gf is pretty baby crazy lately and i dont know if im ready yet) +34882,0,"A rabbi and a priest are on a plane, sitting across the aisle from each other. After some turbulence the pilot came on over the speaker and said, ""I'm sorry folks, but the turbulence has knocked out our engines and we are going down. If anyone is religious, now is a time to pray."" The passengers were shocked but some started to pray. The priest glanced over at the rabbi and watched as the rabbi crossed himself. The priest smirked and continued with his praying. Miraculously the engines roared to life and the plane landed safely. The priest caught up with the rabbi and said, ""Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that when the plane was going to crash you turned to christianity."" ""What are you talking about?"" asked the rabbi. ""While you were praying, I saw that you crossed yourself."" ""No, no, no,"" replied the rabbi. ""I was doing the usual inspection; Spectacles, testicles, money, and cigars.""" +34883,0,"If anyone is reading this, GOOD NEWS! You're not illiterate. " +34884,0,"A greek philosopher runs into a friend who is a poet Philospher : hey there .. been a long time since I saw you .. what are you upto ? Poet : Not much, I am thinking of coining a new word based on my name Philospher : Cool.. What is the word ? Poet : Haven't Decided yet Philosopher : Well hope you decide soon and ... all the best ... Eponymus." +34885,1,Why did the coach take Paul Pierce out of the game? He was in bowel trouble. +34886,1,"One more friendly reminder about the Notre Dame cathedral catching fire... Consequently, it has become the world's hottest tourist attraction though." +34887,0,"60 Mexicans are working in a mine. 60 Mexicans are working in a remote mine. 20 are Canadian, 20 are British, and 20 are American. One day, it was discovered that there were extremely high levels of lead inside the mine and it endangered the workers' health. When the news was spread, Canada quickly said, ""I'm not letting my people work here!"" And proceeded to get their miners out of the mine. Great Britain followed by saying, ""I'm not letting my people work here!"" And proceeded to get their miners out of the mine. USA followed by saying, ""I'm not letting my people work HERE!"" And proceeded to build a massive wall.""" +34888,0,A cat walks up to a bar inside a brothel The cat asks the bartender if he has any non-alcoholic drinks. The bartender looks at the cat and says- Pussy +34889,0,Helen Keller Did you know Helen Keller had a giant dollhouse in her backyard? Neither did she. +34890,1,"I find Dyslexia really hot After all, you can't spell ""Dyslexia"" without ""sexy""" +34891,4,I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out. I just came to that realization. +34892,1,"My Friend tried to survive just by using candles Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea" +34893,3,Why did the snowman pull down his pants? Because he saw the snow blower coming +34894,1,Yo mama So fat I can stand on her belly and high five Jesus -Merry Xmas +34895,5,Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes. +34896,3,"The pope was being driven around in a limo A chauffeur was driving the Pope around. The Pope thought to himself ""Hmm, I never drive."" So the Pope asks the chauffeur, ""Is it ok if I drive?"" The chauffeur doesn't know what to say, so he let's the Pope drive. The Pope drives, but he drives pretty bad. He can't stay in a straight line, and keeps hitting things. A police officer pulls the Pope over, and asks the pope to roll the windows down. The Pope does, and when the officer sees him, his eyes widen. The officer says ""One minute please"" and goes back to his car. He calls for the chief, and the chief says ""What's the problem?"" The officer responds ""I just pulled someone very important over."" The chief asks who, and the officer responds ""I don't know who I pulled over, but the Pope was driving him" +34897,0,What is an expired gift card? Something that's beyond redemption. +34898,0,"Issac Newton takes his son to an apple tree An apple fell on the kids head and Issac says, ""Heh, I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree!"" I guess you could say he really taught his kid the gravity of that situation." +34899,1,There's a procrastinators contest First to claim the prize wins +34900,0,What did the pregnant ship say? “I need an aboation” +34901,0,How do you kill an idiot? Offer them a spot in a Tide commercial +34902,2,"I was leaving the golf course yesterday... when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like ""holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?"" ""Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18" +34903,1,Why are tax evaders underfed in prison? Five words: you get what you pay for +34904,2,What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish? A loan shark. +34905,3,"What I'd like to tell my password… It's okay password, I'm insecure too." +34906,2,Where did Mario meet the Princess? Nintinder +34907,2,Dark humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old. +34908,0,Biggest gaming joke in this year so far No man's sky +34909,1,"The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items back I need my suit on Sunday so I hope they've ironed things out." +34910,2,"There's a bar on top of a really, really high building and it's very windy outside, so it is swaying back and forth. A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours. Another guy comes and sits next to him. The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, ""You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in."" The second guy doesn't agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in. The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar. At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death. The bartender turns to the first guy and says, ""Superman, your an asshole when your drunk!!""" +34911,0,How many French people does it take to bake a baguette? 8. Because then they have wheat. +34912,2,A kid is born without eyelids... ... the Drs suggest using the leftover foreskin from his circumcision to replace them. Everything turned out fine... but the kid is just a little cockeyed +34913,0,"How many rappers does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to do it, three more to dedicate it to Pimp C. " +34914,0,Do you know what the problem with tall men is? They have their feet on the ground but they walk around with their head in the clouds. +34915,3,Dark humor is like food Not everyone gets it +34916,0,Why will you never get hungry on the beach? Because of all the sandwiches there. +34917,4,"The Mexican magician The Mexican Magician tells the audience she will disappear on the count of three. He says ""uno...dos...*poof*"" he disappeared without a tres." +34918,1,A friend told me she is going on holiday to Athens. I told her not to take any cilit bang as its prohibited. Her: why Me: because its tough on Greece +34919,0,"As it turns out, Paul McCartney is really good at Ping Pong... He's un-Beatle-able. (I'm so sorry for this) " +34920,3,Subtle. Whoever put that 'b' in there is a genius. +34921,0,I have a really bad temper. I once punched a man with a lazy eye just for looking at me wrong. +34922,1,Did you hear about the fish and chip shop owner that was taken to court? He was charged with assault and battery. +34923,0,"My college professor talked about double negatives today He said that you could use a double positive to describe something, but never a double negative. Yeah, right." +34924,5,Me : God save me... God : as jpg or png??? +34925,0,What do you call someone who thinks very highly of their own balls? Egotesticle +34926,2,"A man want to be a trapper, so he goes to the trapper's association to know how he can become one. There is only one old man inside, and he tell him: ""That is very simple, you see, you must go through these 3 rooms. In the first one, there is a bottle of whisky : you drink it. In the second one, there is a bear : you strangle it. In the third one, there is a indian woman : you rape her. So the wannabe trapper go inside the first room and go out a minute later, staggering a bit. He go into the second room, there are horrible noise for 15 minutes. Finally, he go out, with his clothes ripped, shouting: ""THAT'S DONE, NOW WHERE IS THE INDIAN WOMAN I MUST STRANGLE""" +34927,1,"Captain Crunch, The Trix rabbit and Tony the Tiger have been found dead in their homes. I guess you could say there’s a cereal killer on the loose." +34928,2,"Every time you get dressed, remember: If you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever." +34929,2,The local prison just bought 500 bottles of Proactiv. They’re trying to prevent breakouts. +34930,0,"Two men talking... The first says “Do you like pussy cats?” The other replies, “Sure I do, but my name’s Cohen, not Katz.”" +34931,0,"A farmer walks up to his neighbor and invites him to his party. The man thinks about it and agrees to come. However, the farmer says ""I must warn you, it is a fancy dress party, so you will have to wear something rather outlandish"". The man still agrees to go. Again, the farmer wars him ""There will be plenty of drink, and a fight after"". The man is still willing to come. Finally, the farmer says ""To wrap things up, things will get rather heated, and there will be plenty of rough sex"". The man, starting to look forward to it, asks ""so, how many people are coming?"" ""Oh, it will only be the two of us""" +34932,5,"A pirate captain asks his first mate ""Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"" ""Aye aye! "" responds the first mate" +34933,1,Do you know why ants don’t go to church? Because they are in-sects +34934,0,"I caught a gold fish and like in all fairytales, she tells me: ""come on, let me go and I'll grant you three wishes"" And I let her go. And the little fish insisted: ""Wishes, what about the wishes?"" ""I don't need anything"", I told her ""Come on, tell me, don't be so modest"" ""I don't need anything, absolutely nothing!"" And the fish said: ""Okay, then just let me suck your dick"" ""Ok"" I said. What could I do? I didn't want to offend her or anything.... And so the little gold fish was sucking my dick. And just like that, as she was sucking my dick, she turned into a 10 year old girl. Here you have it, your honor, that's how it was, I swear to god!" +34935,2,"A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final... He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy. The man says, ""Who would ever miss the World Cup final?” The guy replies, ""Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, ""That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” “No”, the guy says, ""They're all at the funeral.""" +34936,4,"Guy walks into a funeral home He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.” Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.” Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.” “Ah,” the receptionist says. “The plot thickens.”" +34937,0,I'm in grape shape! That's not a typo....I'm round... +34938,2,Guns don't kill people.... George R.R. Martin kills people. +34939,4,Life is like a dick Women make it harder for no reason +34940,2,Whats the funniest thing about procrastinating I'll tell you tomorrow +34941,3,Im still looking for my dreamwoman Too bad im an insomniac +34942,0,What did the chinese guy say to his friend when he hurt his knee? Knee how? +34943,5,What's Gordan Ramsay's favorite subreddit? It's fucking r/aww +34944,2,Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking ? It was making him moody +34945,1,"A man walks into a bar He sits down and orders 4 beers. After he drank them, he went home. The same thing happens the next few days until the bartender asks: ""Hey buddy, why do you come here everyday, drink 4 beers and then leave?"" The man answers: ""I have 3 close friends who sadly moved far away a while ago. Before they left we made a deal. Every day we go to a bar and drink a beer for each of us. This way we can be closer together. The next time the man goes to the bartender and orders only 3 beers and drinks them slowly. The people in there are seemingly sad because they started to like the guy. After a while the bartender walks up to him and apologizes for his loss. The man looks confused and answers: ""Oh no it is not what it looks like. I just decided to quit drinking.""" +34946,2,"If you want to understand who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both on the balcony After three hours unlock them and see who's happier to see you" +34947,1,What do you call a door that's not doing anything? Doormant +34948,1,My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein. I said “No whey!” +34949,0,People say I like contradicting others... No I don't! +34950,2,"Two nurses are working at a children's hospital. While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leaves. As he passes by the nurses, they notice that in addition to scrubs, the mystery man is also wearing beach sandals. One nurse says to the other, ""What the heck? Was that... Jesus?"" The second nurse replies, ""Yeah, I think so. You know, I didn't recognize him at first because he wasn't wearing his usual clothes."" The first nurse affirms, ""He was blessing in disguise.""" +34951,1,I hope all girls get cancer As their Zodiac Sign because that would make the perfect match for me +34952,7,"Wife tells her husband Wife: ""I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."" Husband: ""Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."" Wife: ""There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."" Husband: ""Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."" " +34953,0,"What do you call a pizza who's a DJ? DJ Beazza Yes it's a stupid pun, but that's a good 50% of my humor, the other half being sarcasm." +34954,0,"Top notch Dad joke Friend walks to the fridge looking for the caesar salad I told him was in there. ​ Friend: Hey, where is that caesar salad at? Me: Probably out conquering the romaine!" +34955,0,How do animals cross the ocean? On a Gir-raft. +34956,0,What do I think about collecting energy from the sun? So last year +34957,2,"A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. ""Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."" So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. ""Hey you two!"" he shouts. ""Stop making spectacles of yourselves!""" +34958,1,"A man walks into a bar... He sits at the bar alone and promptly addresses the bartender. ""A dozen shots of your strongest booze."" The bartender raises an eyebrow and stares him down as he slowly pours his drinks. As soon as the bartender has finished, the man starts pouring the shots down his throat as fast as he can. The bartender is in shock. ""Whoa, slow down buddy! What do you think you're doing drinking those so fast?!"" ""You'd be drinking like me too if you had what I had"" the man replies before knocking some more back. The bartender's face drops. ""What do ya got?"" The man sets down the last empty glass. ""75 cents.""" +34959,5,"Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there." +34960,3,What do you have if you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand? Kermit's undivided attention. +34961,1,"It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress... having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands. He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteries and friaries that remained devoutly Catholic. While for most he could simply cut off their ability to function by seizing their assets, but the Friaries in England were mostly self-sufficient with large gardens where the Friars grew the majority of their own food while sustaining the rest on the patronage of their followers. In protest to the King, the Friars started gifting their patrons with beautiful flowers - creating a symbol of resistance against the edicts of the King. Furious, Henry made a Royal decree barring Friar's from growing or gifting flowers, but the decree was completely ignored by the Friars and in fact the symbol of the flower grew more powerful. Desperate to put an end to it, Henry called upon the most feared man in England - Hugh the Executioner. Hugh was a special import who had made a name as a effective killing machine in France, and had been brought to England for the execution of Anne Boleyn. A couple things made Hugh unique. For one, he had a massive stature, but more importantly Hugh opted to use a long-sword instead of the Axe which was more common at the time. Most terrifying of all, Hugh did not wear an executioners mask, but instead enjoyed the fact that people could recognise him as the face of death. The king sent Hugh around to the Friaries with his royal decree, and with each Friary Hugh would bang the hilt of his long-sword against the door before attaching a copy of the decree with a sharp dagger. Within days, the flowers disappeared from the streets and the Friaries began to shutter their doors. What is the moral of the story? *Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars!*" +34962,3,"I am Responsible Employer : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible. Applicant : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible.." +34963,1,"There's this faith healer, preaching to a crowd. He asks for volunteers to be healed! 'I-I-I'll cccome up' said a member of the congregation. 'Yes child, you, come up!' He goes on stage. 'What's your name son?' 'T-T-T-Tim' 'And is it your stutter I can cure for you Tim?' 'Y-y-yes' replied Tim. 'PRAISE THE LORD I WILL HEAL YOU OF YOUR STUTTER' proclaimed the preacher. 'I need one more to perform this miracle on'. 'ME!' shouts a man. 'And what's your name son, and what can I do for you?' 'My name is Barry. Well, 10 years ago I was in a car accident, and both my legs were crippled, and I can only get around on these crutches, I'd love to be able to walk again' 'PRAISE THE LORD I WILL MAKE YOU WALK AGAIN' 'Now, Tim, Barry go behind that screen. That's it. Now pray with me' The preacher, takes a deep breath, and walks around the stage, summoning the powers that be. LORD WITH THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, CURE TIM OF HIS STUTTER! LORD, HAVE MERCY ON BARRY AND LET HIM WALK! BARRY THROW YOUR CRUTCHES OVER THE SCREEN! TIM, SAY SOMETHING' After a bit of a pause, Tim says 'B-B-B-Barry f-ff-fell over'." +34964,0,1) What do you call a deer with no eyes? 2)What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? 1) No eye deer 2) Still no eye deer +34965,3,"How do mathematicians scold their children? “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …""" +34966,1,I just met a girl And she took me to her metal fabrication shop. It's safe to say that we cut corners and sparks were flying. +34967,1,How did I escape Iraq? Iran +34968,2,Did you hear about the epileptic who played peek-a-boo? Now he seizure Now he don't +34969,0,"Did you hear about the game designer who died last night? He ""bit"" the dust." +34970,0,Dirty Dick **What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?** The man. +34971,5,"A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain... He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill. He asks the taxi driver ""What's the fare to the airport?"" The driver looks back and goes ""50 dollars"" ""I only have 20-"" the man says pleadingly ""-but I promise to pay you the rest as soon as I get my wallet back."" ""Not a chance, it's 50 dollars, if you can't pay you can't ride."" the driver replies. ""I can give you my phone number!"" the man says back, growing increasingly desperate ""I can give you my home adress and full name! I just need to get to the airport!"" The driver looks back at the man, and without a word he grabs the 20 dollar bill out of the man's hand, and throws the door open, kicking him out and leaving him to walk the rest of the way in the pouring rain. Some months later, the same man walking down the street looking for a taxi, when he notices a long row of them parked near the sidewalk, and at the very end is the man who kicked him out those months ago. The man walks up to the first cab and asks: ""How much is it to the airport?"" The driver replies ""50 dollars sir."" The man then pulls out a 100 dollar bill and whispers ""I'll pay you double if we can stop halfway there and have some fun in the bushes..."" Instantly, the driver jerks the man away from his window with his arm, rolling it up and locking the doors as he stares back in disgust. The man then walks over to the second cab in line, and asks the driver: ""How much is it to the airport?"" ""Fifty bucks."" The driver replies. The man then pulls out a 100 dollar bill, and repeats his offer, barely missing a punch to the face as the driver rolls up his window as well. The man continues down the row of Taxis, until he ends up at the window of the man who had driven him earlier. He leans over and asks, once more. ""How much is to the airport?"" The driver looks over and says ""50 dollars, same as before."" The man then replies: ""Listen, I'll pay you 100 dollars if you just hold the bill out the window and wave it when you drive past the other taxis.""" +34972,0,"Three men in a Gulag They start talking about how they got into the Gulag in the first place, the first man says ""I was thrown in for being lazy, I never got to work on time."" The second man says ""I was thrown in for always being early for work, they thought I was a spy!"" the third man says ""I was thrown in for having a watch made in the West. """ +34973,0,Did you hear that Julia Roberts has a new movie coming out this St. Patrick's Day? It's about a woman who fights to expose the toxic levels of green beer. It's called Erin Go Bragh-kovich. +34974,0,"An elephant walks into a bar. An elephant walks into a bar. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ It turns around and soon walks into another bar. By the way, it's in a fixed cage." +34975,2,"Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder? **McDonalds Boss:** Again *(rubs temples)* you don't need to put Mc in front of words. **Me:** Oh ok *(...to customer)* welcome to Donalds." +34976,2,If there are 2 things I hate they're... Incomplete lists. +34977,7,"A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, ""I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, ""Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"" ""Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."" said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: *Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you ""DID"" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you ""DID NOT"" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave* Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: *Dear SON, I'm not saying that you ""DO"" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you ""DO NOT"" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!*" +34978,3,"Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, ""I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."" The other guy responds proudly, ""Yes, that I am!"" The first guy says, ""So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"" The other guy answers, ""I'm from Dublin, I am.""  The first guy responds, ""Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?""  The other guy says, ""A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.""  The first guy says, ""Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?""  The other guy answers, ""Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.""  The first guy gets really excited, and says, ""And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?""  The other guy answers, ""Well, now, I graduated in 1964.""  The first guy exclaims, ""The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.""  About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, ""It's going to be a long night tonight.""  The guy asks, ""Why do you say that?"" ""The Murphy twins are drunk again. " +34979,5,"The difference between ""Girlfriend"" and ""Girl Friend""… …is that little space in between we call the ""Friend Zone""." +34980,8,"After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years... But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it. " +34981,1,"My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there." +34982,0,Tow truck drivers must see a lot of action. They can hook up with anybody on the street and take them home. +34983,2,One of the guys I’m training just jokingly told me “I heard your mom is loose”. I immediately responded “ashes usually are after they’re spread”. +34984,0,"Tiger Woods is playing in a golf tournament in Ireland While there, Tiger drives his Mercedes rental into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who he is. ""Top of the mornin' to yer, sir"" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ""hello"" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?"", asks the attendant. ""They're called tees"" replies Tiger. ""Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"" inquires the Irishman. ""They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving"", says Tiger. ""Jaysus"", says the Irishman, ""Mercedes thinks of everything!""." +34985,2,I got my colonoscopy results The doctor gave me two thumbs up! +34986,1,R/jokes Reddit posters are cleaning the earth They are very good at recycling +34987,2,"What do Penguins, Black and White movies, Zebras and newspapers all have in common? The next generation is not going to know what any of those things are." +34988,0,"What does Gordon Ramsay call having sex without a condom? ""FUCKING RAW!""" +34989,0,It’s Friday the Thirteenth But I think it is bad luck to be superstitious. +34990,3,Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble +34991,1,"The priest and the sacristan were competing to see who had fucked more women... ...So they decided to stay in the middle of a busy street, one on each side of the street. If some woman walked between them, they would say ""BANG"" if they had sex with that woman. The 1st woman passes by: The priest proudly says ""BANG"" while the sacristan stays quiet. The 2nd women passes by: The priest stays quiet, the sacristan says ""BANG"". The 3rd women passes by: Both man happily say ""BANG"". After 2 hours of ""BANG"" after ""BANG"", the score was 322-322. The priest says to the sacristan: \\-""Hey, we need to go, the mass is almost starting."" As the sacristan spots his wife and his 13 year old daughter coming, and he really wanted to win, he says: \\-""Ok, lets just wait for that women, over there!"" As the sacristian's wife and daughter walk through them, the sacristian proudly says: \\-""BANG"" \\-""BANG BANG"" (sorry for any mistake, I tried to translate this joke to english)" +34992,0,I would tell a joke about chemistry But I'm afraid I won't get a reaction +34993,0,What is the profit margin of an abortion clinic? Just a small arm and leg over the competition +34994,4,What's the most popular book in Mexico? Tequila Mockingbird +34995,3,Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little more space! +34996,2,"24/7 love If you told someone you love them 24/7, today is the day!" +34997,2,What's the difference between misbehaving children and eggs? The eggs taste better after I beat them. +34998,0,"In honor of all the grasshoppers out there right now... A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, hey, we have a drink named after you. You do??? Why would you name a drink Clarence?" +34999,5,"Two Irishman were fishing on a lake... ...when one of them caught a mysterious, ancient-looking bottle. Upon taking the bottle off the line, a genie popped out of it and said, ""I really don't have time for this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so make it good."" The fisherman who caught the bottle immediately blurts out, ""I wish every body of water on Earth were made of beer!"" The genie snapped his fingers and said, ""Done."" and then disappeared. Then the second fisherman smacked his buddy over the head and yelled, ""You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!""." +35000,2,Today in chemistry we learnt about how Ammonium nitrate could be used in fertilizer and as an explosive. That's when I knew we were dealing with some explosive shit +35001,2,"Little Jhonny's dad asks him... Dad: Son, who do you wanna marry when you grow up? Little Johnny: I'd like to marry grandma. Dad: Why the f**k would you wanna marry my mom? Little Johnny: Why the fuck did you marry my mom?" +35002,5,"A priest and a nun were hiking to a monastery... ... high up a mountain. Halfway to their destination, a snowstorm slowly started. They discovered an old wooden cabin and decided to take shelter. Inside there was only one bunk, but also a sleeping bag. So, as a man, the priest decided to let the nun have the bunk while sleeping in the sleeping bag himself. After some time in bed, he heard the nun say: ""Father, I am soooo cold..."". So he got up, found a blanket and gave it to her, then went back to sleep. Again, after some time he woke again to: ""Father, I am still soooo cold..."". So, once again, he got up, found another blanket and gave it to her. Not one hour later, the nun was awake again, complaining about the cold. So he said: ""Listen sister, we are in this lonesome cabin, not a single soul within miles. Nobody would ever know what we do here. So, just this once, would you like to spend the night like husband and wife?"" ""Yes"", she said. ""I would like that very much!"" ""Well then, ... GET THAT FUCKING BLANKET YOURSELF!!""" +35003,0,What is the worst thing in your freezer? ISIS (ice is) +35004,0,What is a scientists favourite anime? Cells at work +35005,4,"Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story building It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump." +35006,2,"Hey dad why is my sister called teresa? ""Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"" ""Thanks dad !"" ""No problem Alan""" +35007,0,Why don't witches wear panties? Because they need to grip the broom! +35008,1,"Three old women sit on a bench, and a man in a large coat comes and flashes them. Two had a stroke. The last couldn't reach" +35009,1,"Mother, did you call me? ""No Jesus, I just slammed my little toe on the corner of the bed""" +35010,0,What do climate change activists and a computer program have in common? An Al Gore Rhythm. +35011,1,What was the last thing to go through the fly’s head as it hit the windshield? His butt. +35012,2,What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy? Sitcoms +35013,0,Chuck Norris doesn`t sleep... He waits +35014,2,What’s the difference between incels and serial killers? Women won’t let incels anywhere near them +35015,0,"So I decided to learn Chinese... ...today I learned there's no word for ""squint""" +35016,1,"My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Shashank? Do you think you’ll be next?” . . We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals." +35017,0,"An economist and a stock trader are talking a random walk down Wall Street The trader spots a fresh $100 bill, ""Oh look! A $100!"" he exclaims as a reaches down to pick it up. But the economist stops him, ""No wait, that's a fake $100."" ""But how do you know?"" the trader replies. The economist replies haughtily, ""Because if that were a real $100, someone would have already picked it up"" Then the trader said ""I'll bet you a billion dollars it's real, and give you 10 thousand to one odds."" The economist calculated the EV and accepted the bet. The trader picked up the bill, but when he turned it over, the face on the bill was of the wrong man. That man was Albert Einstein. At that moment, a black swan descended from the sky and landed on the economist's shoulder and shed a single tear. Fortunately, Barack Obama appeared with a bag of $10 Trillion in taxpayer money to bail out the trader and everyone laughed and cheered and high-fived each other." +35018,0,Ye ever wonder why pirates preserve their eggs in Brine? because animal fat doesn't have any Arrrs in it. +35019,2,"A man goes on a trip to a mountain When he arrives he sees the largest mountain he ever saw and decides so climb it. He goes, and goes, and goes. Eventually he finds himself at the top of the mountain and sees the house of a wise man that lived isolated from society to meditate. The wise man when sees the climber said to him: My son, you may ask me one question and I will answer it. The man starts thinking about what should he ask and after ten minutes of wondering speaks: what's the difference between a woman and something precious? The wise man opens his eyes in awe, because he was expecting a question about the meaning of life or something along these lines. However, after a minute he answers. You know my son, a woman in her middle uses only one hole for insertion, something precious uses two. The man stands there with his answer and says: I known I only had one question, but you know that.... hummm... Some women use two holes. The wise man quickly responds: That is not a woman, that is something precious. Edit: Words " +35020,1,"Before Wolfestein was pitched, making a video game about Hitler winning WW2 was my idea. Though I guess Bethesda didn't like my idea of a game called *Nazi Simulator 1992*" +35021,0,What do you call a couple of pecans taunting squirrels? Nuts. +35022,4,"An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well. ""What happened?"" his friend asked. ""Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."" ""That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"" ""Nobody told me they read right to left!""" +35023,0,"At Subway I ordered a 12 inch sandwich, but instead they gave me a 6 inch sandwich Oops, wrong sub." +35024,2,"A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: Chicken Sandwich:$1.50 Cheese Sandwich:$2.50 Hand Job:$10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men. ' Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile. 'Can I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the hand jobs?' ' Yes,' she purrs, 'indeed I am.' The man replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!'." +35025,0,Why was the penis frustrated at the balls? Because they were getting testy. +35026,1,I took my 3 month old into the baby changing room at supermarket today but there was only a ginger baby there so I kept the one i've got. +35027,1,"A Blonde is Sitting in Canoe... In the middle of an open field next to a highway, paddling away with her oar at the ground. Another blonde driving past this scene, can’t help but stop her car and pull over. She screams from her window! “What are you doing out there! You know it’s idiots like you that give all of us blondes a bad name!” The blonde in the canoe doesn’t answer, she just keeps paddling. So the other blonde starts her car back up and drives away muttering to herself: “I‘d give that dumb bimbo a piece of my mind... if only I could swim.” " +35028,1,"Two tools watched TV, One saw." +35029,1,What does the prisoner press on the computer The escape button +35030,0,If Donald Trump is a musician He would grab them by Debussy. +35031,2,"How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, let's go outside!" +35032,0,"I went to the psychiatrist today. and i said ""I'm hearing voices"" ""Do you?"" said the doctor. ""Yes, but I ignore them and carry on killing""" +35033,2,"An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, at home... A very, very old Jewish man, realizing he is in his final days, decides to go the traditional way and let nature take its course in his own bed at home. One day things take a turn for the worse and he calls his adult children to his bedside. While his wife is preparing food in the kitchen, he shares a final conversation with his children. He imparts what little wisdom he can, they tell him how the grandkids are... His daughter asks him, ""Dad, is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable?"" ""Well,"" he says, ""I can smell that your mother has made a kugel [a sweet baked noodle casserole often made for special events]. I always loved your mother's kugel, and I would love it so if the last thing I could eat on this side were a piece of kugel. Could you go into the kitchen and cut me off some?"" She goes, but she is only gone a minute before she returns -- ""Sorry, Dad. Mom says it's for after.""" +35034,3,What only does its job after it’s fired? A bullet! +35035,2,A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it. +35036,3,Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out. You never know when they'll come in handy. +35037,1,"Three guys were traveling on the road and they were tired, so they stopped at a nearby farm. The farmer goes to the first guy ""You can sleep with the pigs,"" to the second guy ""You can sleep with the cows,"" and to the third guy ""You can sleep with my 18 lovely daughters."" In the morning, the ranch owner asks the three men how they felt. The first guy said ""like a pig."" The second guy said ""like a cow."" The third guy put on a big smile and said ""Like a golf ball. I've just been through 18 holes.""" +35038,0,"Sex Change I ran into an old guy friend named Harry that had a sex change to be woman named Jan. I told her, don't forget it's Jan-ur-Harry 1st. " +35039,4,"There was a vulture who had a rebellious son. He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up. However, one day his son came home with terrible news: ""Dad, I've made up my mind I'm going vegetarian!"" He could accept anything else, but that! Shocked, he threw his son out of his house. As the months and years went by, he regretted his decision, and decided that maybe he should try to understand his son's point of view. So he read up about the nutritional value of plants, looked up recipes, and even asked the neighbouring squirrels about what they ate. Finally, one cold evening, he decided that it was time to try out eating plants. Peas were a good place to start- they were high in protein, like the rotting flesh he usually ate, and they were easy for him to eat with his beak. So in addition to his usual plate of roadkill, he put on a pot of peas to boil. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. He opened it and gasped with surprise- there was his son, thin as sticks and weak as water! His son collapsed into his wings, and managed to croak out, ""Dad, I'm starving. Do you have anything for me to eat?"" Crying at seeing his long-lost child after so many years, he nodded and said, ""Carrion, my wayward son! There'll be peas when you are done.""" +35040,1,Classic day at the stool sample photo lab. crapshoot. +35041,1,"I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous. In the end, I turned down the offer. *I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*" +35042,0,"What medieval siege weapon has a counterweight, a pivot, and a beam? 𝔱 𝔯 𝔢 𝔟 𝔲 𝔠 𝔥 𝔢 𝔱" +35043,0,What did the cat say when it got hurt? me-OW! +35044,5,Why was the porn star’s funeral so disappointing? Nobody came +35045,0,"I didn’t know what to do, so I asked G-d for a trigonometric function He gave me a sine" +35046,0,What do they call a Fortnite win in France? A Victory Royale with Cheese. +35047,3,The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just posting while I wait for the kettle to boil! +35048,0,What did the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom say to Trump? Im Peach +35049,1,What do you call a slutty gummy bear? A jelly thot +35050,0,"Why is Donald Trump only interested in his top secret briefings? Because above all else, he fears being associated with something declasse-fied." +35051,1,Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey? He always gets nailed to the boards. +35052,0,"As a wise blonde once said, ""There are 3 types of people on this planet,"" ""dreamers and go-getters.""" +35053,1,"Jesus finally enters heaven... He walks up to God, flicks his wrists forward flamboyantly and simply says: ""Look dad, got my nails done""" +35054,3,Women always call me ugly until they find out what I earn. Then they call me poor. +35055,3,What the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway. +35056,2,"I'm giving away my roof for free Don't worry, it's on the house." +35057,0,Did you hear about the guy in Egypt that didn't think he was drowning? He was in dah Nile. +35058,2,"Two Italian men get on a bus A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following: ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."" ""You foul mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"" ""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.""" +35059,1,What is the best card in Valve's Artifact? The Credit Card. +35060,5,"While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to Heaven"", says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem. Just let me in,"" says the politician. ""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."" ""Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,"" says the politician. ""I'm sorry, but we have our rules."" And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a golf course. In the distance a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hands and reminisce about the good times they had while getting both exalted and rich . They played a friendly round of golf and then dine on lobster, maliputo, caviar, and Macallan 1926. Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up and the door reopens in Heaven while St. Peter is waiting for him ""Now it's time to visit Heaven."" So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, Cebu guitar and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ""Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity. ""The minister reflects for a minute before he answers: ""Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."" So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. ""I don't understand,"" stammers the politician. ""The other day I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster, maliputo, and caviar, drank $10,000 Macallan and we flirted, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"", The devil smiles at him and says, ""Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted"". Edit 1: Changed minister to politician " +35061,0,When did the Asian become a leftist? Sometime in the last five years that he'd left his blinker on. +35062,4,Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended. It could spell disaster. +35063,2,"I went to a Chinese restaurant that is open 24/7, 365 days of the year... ... the chef is a wokaholic." +35064,1,How do feminists screw in a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them. +35065,1,At the IRS audit IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' & checks for free. Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that? IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits. +35066,1,"A guy and his girlfriend were trying to decide what to do to pass the time. A guy and his girlfriend were trying to decide what to do to pass the time. He said “I know! Let’s play Barbie!” She was a bit taken aback but said, “Sure. I’ve played Barbie before. How do you want to play it?” He said, “Easy. I’ll be Ken...and you’ll be the box I come in.”" +35067,0,I found my stolen briefcase pretty quickly... You could say it was a brief case. +35068,2,I'm okay with most drugs... But cocaine is where a draw the line. +35069,1,What was the cop's favorite shirt? A pullover hoodie. +35070,1,What do you call an organized group of moths? The Mothia +35071,1,What do you call someone who has been up for a fort-night? A TWO-weeker +35072,1,What would happen if Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth got into a smackdown? It would be a sticky situation! +35073,1,What did Nixon say when his pasta got criticized? I am not a cook. +35074,1,"My political ambition... So my big plan is to one day create a huge political scandal. The main piece of evidence will be encoded on a layered MIDI file that has to be discovered, decoded, and played at just the right frequency. Then I can laugh maniacly while I sit and watch all the news stories about MIDIgate. " +35075,2,"Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs? They melt in your mouth, not in your hand" +35076,0,Did you hear about the kid who fixed the Internet? The Internet: 7/10 The Internet with Rice: 10/10 +35077,1,You Don't Have to Choose Between Being Pro-Life or Pro-Choice As long as you are Pro-Phylactic +35078,0,Did you hear about The Invisible Man having a sex-change and adopting a kid? He now identifies as a “trans-parent” +35079,0,Went to see a show about puns yesterday Guess you could call it a play on words. +35080,1,"A girl is giving a BJ to her brother ... when the brother tells her ""Hey, you do that better than mum!"" To which she replies ""That's exactly what dad told me.""" +35081,1,"I used to have a height complex, But then I grew out of it." +35082,2,"I am surprised how little people change. Actually it’s the same, but with tinier clothes." +35083,0,I always try to look at the bright side of things But its become reallly hard to do so ever since i went blind +35084,4,"One day, a violent husband leaves his wife. She posts an ad in a local newspaper: ""Looking for a new man. The one who will not beat me, run away, and is good in bed."" Couple of days later someone knocks on her door. She opens them, and there's a guy in a wheelchair, missing both arms and legs. ""Hi. I think I'm a perfect man for you. I don't have arms, so I can't beat you, and because I have no legs, I can't run away."" ""But are you good in bed?"" she asks. He just smiles and says: ""Well how do you think I knocked?""" +35085,0,"Did I tell you about the time I was going down on my grandmother? All I could taste was horse semen... So I thought to myself, ""this must be how she died!""" +35086,3,"A moth is sitting in the psychiatrist office... So a moth is sitting in the therapist office, and the therapist says, ""So, how's work?"" And the moth says, ""Oh it's great, just wonderful, just got a promotion which came with a nice raise, they moved me up to the 15th floor and now I have the greatest view of Seattle anyone could ask for."" And so the therapist says, ""Great news! And how's the home life?"" To which the moth replies, ""Excellent!! The wife and I are working on our second larvae!!"" Finally the therapist says, ""Well then why the hell have you come to the psychiatrist? Seems to me like your life is just fine."" The moth says, ""because your light was on""" +35087,1,Orange is a great fruit. It is citrically acclaimed. +35088,0,What does a zombie do on the potty? Strrains +35089,1,Are you in the comments? 'cause the real joke is always in the comments. +35090,2,"Heard this joke from a co-worker (who had recently moved from Kinsale, Ireland), and I present it to you. The Boys are sitting around outside Dan Murphy's pub, having a few jars, when Will perks up with *""You know boys, my wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and the next day she gave birth to twins.""* *""Isn't that odd,""* chirps in Sean McNamara, *""My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and the next day she presented me with triplets.""* Then up speaks Danno Mahoney with, *""Well, my wife was reading The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and she gave birth to quads.""* At this point Frankie Frawley looks at the others in a kind of stunned way and hurries to leave the table, leaving his beer behind. *""And where are you off to?""* asks Will. *""My wife,""* says Frankie, *""is just now finishing The Birth of a Nation.""*" +35091,0,"A semi-blind coder... A semi-blind coder has an eye operation to fix his bad eyesight. After the procedure, he had to re-train the muscles in his eye. When his doctors asked how, he replied ""I relearned to C with Classes""" +35092,1,"A drunk man walks out of the bar A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says,"" Not so tough are you now Batman!"" " +35093,0,What's another name for a dinosaur? A thesaurus +35094,0,Knock knock.Who’s there? Knock knock. Who’s there? An extraterrestrial. Extraterrestrial who? What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know? +35095,4,How do you think the unthinkable? with an itheberg +35096,1,9-11 was an inside job... And 7-11 was a part time job. +35097,8,My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right +35098,0,"I was nervous about opening the results of my HIV test so I attached the paper to a boomerang and threw it through an electron beam... Great news, it came back negative!" +35099,0,What do you call Japanese spiked egg nog Nog-and-saki +35100,6,Today I stopped drinking for good Now I drink for evil. +35101,1,"One time when I was young... One time when I was young I did something really stupid. So my mother started disciplining me. Only this time in particular, some music had started playing. I wanted to go turn it off, but she beat me to it. " +35102,0,Why did the old billionaire not want to marry the hot young kitten? He wanted to avoid a cat-as-trophy Edit: spelling +35103,5,"My neighbor came to my house at 3 AM! 3 AM! Can you believe that? Lucky for him that I was up, playing drums. ba dum tss" +35104,2,"Teacher: ""Kids, what does the chicken give you?"" Teacher: ""Kids, what does the chicken give you?"" Student: ""Meat!"" Teacher: ""Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"" Student: ""Bacon!"" Teacher: ""Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"" Student: ""Homework!""" +35105,3,What is a slow moving ice cream truck called? A sundae driver. +35106,0,How do you call a robber in a suit of armor? A thief in the knight +35107,4,What do you call particularly complex stairs? Stairs with extra steps. +35108,5,"Yesterday, I got so depressed.. ..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records. . . Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer." +35109,3,Made a pizza today with Indian bread It was like Naan other +35110,0,"Everything is closed on Election Day. Schools, stores, even the Canadian border." +35111,1,Procrastination is a really deep word. I'll tell you guys the rest some other day. +35112,1,How was the common drug addict punished in the olden days? He was stoned +35113,1,Recipe for honeymoon salad Lettuce alone without dressing +35114,6,"A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon. The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before. When the widow checked her email, she let out a shriek and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her children came running to see what the matter was, and saw this on the screen: ""Dearest wife, Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon. Your loving husband. PS. Sure is hot down here!""" +35115,1,"Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man. OK, Boomhauer" +35116,1,"When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!” Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!" +35117,2,"Everything I need to know about life I learned from my cat * Naps. Whatever the question, the answer is naps. If you’re sleeping less than 12 hours a day you’re wasting your life. * Play with your food. * Stretch. * Bury your shit. * Or make it a public statement. No middle ground. * Disdain. Own it. If your baseline expression is one of mild disapproval you won’t have to do as much backtracking later. * If it’s bigger than you: run. Unless it can’t touch you. Then mock. * If it’s smaller than you: kill it with malice and eat it. At least desecrate the corps with an eye toward eating it. And, if you do eat it and it doesn’t settle well on your tummy, vomit the remains in a prominent location. This is a potent statement of your boundaries." +35118,0,"There are two kinds of women in the Appalachian mountains. Those who get married and have a lot of kids and... ... those who are single and have a lot of kids. (I know this isn't normal to give credit, but full credit to Dolly Parton on this one - I heard her say it in a podcast)" +35119,1,I mean I can't be racist. Even my shadow's black. +35120,2,"A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help... He sits on the couch and jitters nervously. ""What seems to be the problem,"" the Psychiatrist asks. ""Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"" ""Interesting,"" the doc says, ""and what are these two dreams?"" ""Well,"" the man says, ""in one dream I'm a teepee. And in the other I'm a wigwam."" ""Ahhh,"" the doc says, "" I see your problem... You're two tents.""" +35121,2,"I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire... She screamed, ""What the hell is this?"" I replied ""Net flicks and chill."" " +35122,2,I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care +35123,1,"Teacher gave the second grade the homework to, ""dream big."" The next day, Toby recited, ""I want to be a computer genius like Riley Poole, and hack things and be a millionaire."" The class gasped in awe. Tammy followed. ""I want to save lives like Captain Sully, and be a hero."" Everyone cheered. Jenna, the blonde, said, ""I want to be like the waitress at the soda shop and serve people."" Teacher looked at Jenna, the blonde, in stupor while the class laughed and ridiculed her. A bawdier child was heard to exclaim, ""Ay! Stoopit in the head! The assignment was to dream big!"" Jenna pouted a little, until the teacher asked everyone for some quiet, and asked, ""Jenna, did you understand the assignment, to, 'dream big?'"" Jenna answered, ""I felt that, not everyone can have billions, or be president, but a big dream is how everyone can serve others and have peace.""" +35124,0,A Fleshlight is a sex toy until you put your dick in it Then it becomes a stuffed toy +35125,1,No one wants to be a sleazy creep... That's why before sex I always ask to check the birthday on her learner's permit. +35126,0,"Do you know why Caesar put lettuce in his salad? Oh, just cos. " +35127,0,"If you’re looking for job security become a Police Officer! You can get away with so much in that job, it feels like getting away with murder. " +35128,0,I called my doctor to cancel my sex change. Because I pussied out +35129,1,So apparently Jeffrey Epstein owns a couple of the Virgin Islands... Guess we’ll just have to call them the Islands from now on. +35130,1,"A giraffe walks into a bar And says ""The highballs are on me!""" +35131,1,My little brother didn't know what Erectile Dysfunction was He googled it but nothing came up. +35132,0,How did a son tell his father that he was gay? He came in his back door +35133,0,I legally walked out of a restaurant I had food at even though I was broke Walking out of a restaurant is not illegal +35134,0,Did you know that clumsy people are more likely to be obese? That's because they keep walking into things.........like McDonald's. +35135,0,Did you hear about the cake decorator whose shop got broken into? She lost hundreds and thousands +35136,4,"A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy Gas station manager asks him what's so funny. Guy says ""There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"" ""I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car"" says the gas station manager. Guy stops, then bursts into even more laughs ""Yes but, there's another blonde on the right seat giving her orders: To the left. No, to the right. No, higher. No, lower""" +35137,0,"A young couple are about to have sex Because the chick was Christian and the guy was Jewish they had waited to have sex after marriage. Right before they start the guy says "" I have to confess , I used to be Christian"" she says,"" it's okay I used to call myself that too"". Edit: correction " +35138,1,"I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it." +35139,3,It is far more ethical to eat animals than plants Animals have a chance to escape +35140,5,"A midget sat next to me. So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me. After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again. Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down. By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: ""Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat"". He turns around and says to me: ""My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch""." +35141,0,How do you take those awesome aerial shots? Just use your phone in airplane mode. +35142,0,"Son asks his Dad if he can throw baseball with him. The Dad takes the ball and says, ""I'll pitch the ball."" The son runs out onto the field, full of happiness and excitement. The Dad drops the baseball in the trash and walks away." +35143,5,An Anus gets into a fight with two guys at a bar he rectum +35144,0,Why did New York get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the landfills? New Jersey got to pick first. +35145,2,I trust my fingers I can count on them. +35146,1,What does Stalin do on a night out? Paints the town red +35147,8,"What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil? M'Ladle *tips fedora* Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook. " +35148,0,"A barber says ""knock knock"" to a judge Who is there? ""said the judge"" The barber! ""the barber said"" Too bad the judge doesn't need a haircut because of that silly wig!" +35149,1,What is the worst possible chip a computer could have? A Dorito. +35150,4,"When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings You know she's a keeper." +35151,1,I had to reschedule my meeting with a contortionist But thankfully she was flexible +35152,5,"I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache." +35153,4,Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother. +35154,1,I can't imagine having aphantasia Oh shit. +35155,1,My Islamic wife left me.. I guess she didn't know what Jihad +35156,0,"A guy passes by another guy who is carrying fans on the back of his wagon and asks “Hey there, how is your day going?” “Fantastic!”" +35157,0,"Donald trump, seeing his low approval, tries to do a publicity stunt. He sets up rocks in a lake, drags the media to this lake, and walks on the water. The next day, the media headlines were: Donald trump can't swim. Infuriated by this, he tries another trick. He runs off of an upstate New York farm, jumps over a fence, and dives into the Hudson. The next day, the media headlines were: Agricultural runoff polluting the Hudson Enraged by this he does his final stunt: create a Reddit account and start posting. The next day the media headlines were: Donald trump is encouraging and energizing shitposters The day after that mike pence was sworn in as president." +35158,1,Two legged tripods? Can't stand them. +35159,0,Why did no one recognize the airline pilot? Because he was the master of disguise. +35160,0,"One Two Three A woman is pregnant with triplets. The first fetus turns to the other two and says, ""When I get outta here and grow up, I'm gonna be a plumber."" ""Why a plumber?"" ask the other two. The first replies, ""Because of all the damn water in here."" ""That makes sense,"" reply the others. Then, the second fetus says, ""When I grow up, I'm gonna be an electrician."" ""Why an electrician?"" the others ask. ""Because it's so damn dark in here,"" replies the second. ""That makes sense too,"" the others comment. The third one then says, ""When I grow up, I'm gonna be a hunter."" ""Why a hunter?"" ask the other two. The third replies, ""Because if that damn gopher sticks his head up here one more time, I'm gonna kill it!""" +35161,3,Why was the child able to fix the light bulb? Because mini hands make light work. +35162,7,"Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. -The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. -Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. -President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims." +35163,4,Where do you find a five year old with no legs? Exactly where you left him +35164,0,An astronaut is murdered in space. Why did the killer go free? It was a crime without gravity. +35165,3,"A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit... The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food. The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”" +35166,2,I rushed to the clothes store when I heard all women's pants are half off. But I saw no women with their pants down. Dumbass liars. +35167,2,An old joke I really love Why couldn't Jim play football? He had no arms. Knock knock! Who's there? Not Jim. 😒 +35168,2,WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity. profanity profanity profanity profanity +35169,1,What do you call a group of Morons? Moroni +35170,0,"If Jared Fogle was a spokesperson for McDonalds, instead of Happy Meals, he would give kids Fappy Meals." +35171,0,grey matter What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant. +35172,0,I like my women like I like my calzones Crusty on the outside and filled with gooey cheese on the inside. +35173,4,What's the opposite of shot? Scold! +35174,0,Going out for a drink... I've been tempted to go out and drink a midgit under the table but they don't fit in a glass. +35175,0,How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience? They all left. +35176,2,What's the difference between a hookers and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. +35177,0,Why does our body absorb Strontium? To make our bones stronger +35178,1,The space-race for mars is just like a one way lustful relationship Everyone is spending millions of dollars on it and sending things over to mars just to see if its wet. +35179,3,"Just heard this variation on an oldie! A hat maker was trying to sell his hats on a hot summers day. After having no luck for 4 hours under the sun, he decided to take a short rest underneath a gigantic tree. He set his briefcase of hats down, took one out to cover his face, and laid down on the grass. With the shade from his hat and the warmth of the ground beneath him, he felt drowsy and quickly fell asleep. When he woke up an hour later, he was startled to find that his briefcase was open, and his hats were missing. He then heard a curious sound above him. only to notice that the tree was filled with chatty monkeys all wearing his hats! He quickly tried offering them sticks or dropped fruits in exchange for his hats, but the monkeys seemed to only make fun of him. Furious, he threw a stick at one of the monkeys, which resulted in a shower of thrown sticks back at him. Ducking for cover, he backed off to another nearby tree where he thew his hat down in frustration. To his amazement, the monkeys, seemingly copying him, threw their hats down as well! He quickly picked up his hats and ran away. The hat maker went on to have a very successful business, getting married and having many children and eventually grandchildren. He passed on his knowledge of the trade to his oldest son before retiring, who upheld the family business and eventually passed it on to his oldest son as was tradition.   A few generations passed, and the new owner and grandson of the hat maker was selling hats on a hot day, when he too decided to take a short rest underneath a very similar tree. One thing lead to another, and he found himself waking up to his hats having been stolen by monkeys! However, he remembered the old story his grandfather had told him about outwitting some monkeys, and threw his hat down. A single monkey climbed down the tree and took the hat before making a rude gesture and scurrying back up. Stumped and enraged, he screamed at the monkey.   The monkey replied: ""Hey idiot, you're not the only one with a grandfather""." +35180,7,"When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance... lactose intolerance." +35181,0,"Brand names Apple: my brand is so valuable it doubles the price of the product Samsung: my brand is so valuable, that park geun hye wants it Trump: my brand is so valuable that the jinese knock it off Hillary Clinton: my brand is so worthless that trump bribes the media to trash it!" +35182,0,"What does an atheist say during an orgasm? ""Oh Darwin! Oh Darwin!""" +35183,0,What did the Hammerhead say to the Great White as they parted ways? I guess I'll see you around chum. +35184,0,"What did the depressed French vinaigrette say? ""I've lost ze huile d'olive!""" +35185,4,My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing And they're off! +35186,6,Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail 'cause they just died of dissin' Terry. +35187,2,"Jesus, Moses and and old man are golfing. Jesus tees off first and puts his ball into the water. He then walks across the water and is able to hit the ball onto the green. Moses tees off next and he too puts the ball into the water. Moses parts then water and is then able to walk up to his ball and hit it onto the green. The old man then tees off and also puts his ball into to water. A fish then swallows his ball. Moments later a bird swoops down from the sky and grabs the fish out of the water. As the bird flys away a bolt of lightning hits the bird and it falls onto the green, dropping the fish, who in turn spits up the golf ball and it rolls into the cup for a hole in one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says ""dad stop screwing around and play fair.""" +35188,0,What do you call a black comedian? A Laughrican American +35189,1,What's the difference between an IED and a relationship At least the IED doesn't hurt for too long after it blows up in your face +35190,0,Someone tried breaking in on Christmas’s eve! He kept calling us all ho’s and had some funny looking dogs with him... 😂 +35191,0,Where do the birds work? In-dis-tree +35192,3,"Dad, I'm cold. Go stand in a corner then. What, why? Because, it's 90 degrees there!" +35193,1,What is more problematic than Ben Carson's dining set? Trump's cabinet. +35194,0,"I man walks into the doctors office and says, Doc I've got 3 testicles, how serious is this? The doc takes a look and counts... 1,2,3. A little surprised but reassures the man that there is nothing to worry about. He might even be that much better in bed because of the extra testosterone. The man takes a bus home, and is so happy that's its nothing serious, that he tags a short dude next to him and tells him: Hey did you know, that if we take you balls and mine together, we'd have a total of 5. The short dude looks very surprised back at him, and answers: So you only have 1?" +35195,1,What kind of lights did the Incas use to get down from Machu Picchu at night? Incandescent. +35196,1,How did the Unvaccinated Child cross the Road? By a Hearse. +35197,0,I once met a musician from Indianapolis He made Indy music +35198,3,What's the definition of irony? (This happened to me today) Asked a transgender co-worker why he won't upgrade from Windows 7 to 10. He said he didn't like change. +35199,0,"Who invented triathlon? The gypsies. They went to the beach on foot, took a swim and went home on bikes. " +35200,4,A man walks into a zoo... The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.... It's a shitzu. +35201,1,What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He'll never come to you. +35202,1,I always cry after sex I fucking hate prison. +35203,3,"Flash Flood A man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him from being washed into the water. As the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere. ""Come on mate, get in,"" yelled the boatman. ""It's okay,"" the man said. ""I have faith in Jesus. He will save me."" So the boat continued on and the water began to rise. When it was up to his neck another boat appeared. ""Better get in or you'll drown,"" shouted the boatman. ""No, it's okay,"" said the man. ""I have faith in Jesus. He will save me."" The boatman shrugged and rowed away. By this time, the water had reached the man's chin. A third boat appeared. ""This is your last chance, get in!"" yelled the boatman. ""No, Jesus will save me!"" came the reply. The boat went off and a couple of seconds later, the man drowned. Arriving in Heaven, he was greeted by Jesus. ""Hey, Jesus, I trusted in you and you let me down! I don't believe it!"" ""Neither do I. I sent three fucking boats to save you."" " +35204,2,I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift But I think I'm finally clean. +35205,2,"There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine, and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you see that he gave us vinaigrette because he is scared that we are going to drink his all wine, m\\*\\*\\*\\*\\*\\*r. The other replies: do you think i'm stupid and didn't realize is vinaigrette, i do know, but how much vinaigrette they can have in their house, 1 bottle, 2 bottle max, so shut the fuck up and drink, once we finish it, he is going to give us the wine again ! Sorry for my english, it's not my native language. " +35206,4,"A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying. The bartender asks ""What's that?"" The guy answers ""6 pounds of explosives"" ""Thank Christ for that"" says the barman, ""I thought it might be bagpipes.""" +35207,6,"A man asked his wife ""what would you do if i won the lottery?"" She said ""take half and leave your ass."" ""Good,"" he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out.""" +35208,1,I’m really looking to re-capture my lost youth… My basement door doesn’t lock properly… +35209,0,Voldemort should have made your mom his horcrux. Since she's already half way there. +35210,4,What does Mike Tyson say after a good workout with the Avengers? I'm Thor. +35211,0,What do you name a feminist email domain? Shemail. +35212,2,"Donald Meets The Queen of England! Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: ""Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."" Donald quickly replied: ""Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses""." +35213,1,"How do Italian mosquitoes introduce themselves? It's a me, Malario!" +35214,5,I saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene. +35215,0,Wayne Rooney heard that David Beckham's new MLS franchise is called Inter Miami He's looking to get a team of his own......he'll call it Inter My Nanny. +35216,0,"Donald Trump was returning to his Moscow hotel after diplomatic meetings with Russian president, Vladamir Putin. In the lobby, he asked a secret service agent, ""Hey, what room am I in again?"" He replied, ""Sir..."" ""You're in 8.""" +35217,1,Why did the turkey cross the road? because the chicken had the day off +35218,3,What is Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? HAND-EYYYYEEEEE-EEEE-IIIII!!! +35219,0,"TIFU by getting called into the HR office.... apparently ""harass"" is not two words." +35220,1,Judge:your still looking at 30 years 6ix9ine:I know where fetty wap keep his other eye +35221,1,What did Phish fans say when they ran out of pot? This band sucks +35222,0,In China there is a community that believes in Chinese Jesus He wokked on water +35223,0,i used to ride my bike a lot until recently i decided to take a brake from it +35224,0,What does a leper make when they play guitar? Minced meat +35225,0,What did Fred Astaire do with his cheese? Put it on the Ritz. +35226,3,How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training. +35227,1,Props to the rain It gets all the girls wet +35228,2,"I decided to chat up the person next to me at the sperm bank yesterday. I said, ""Do you come here often?""" +35229,2,A book fell on my head today I blame my shelf +35230,0,Every 60 seconds in Africa... a minute passes +35231,0,Why did the beach drink orange juice? Because it was vitamin Sea defishent +35232,0,"A Mexican, Englishman, Frenchman and Texan are on a private plane. The pilot come on the radio and says ""We lost one of our engines, we only have enough power for me and one other to survive. Three of you will have to jump off the plane. The Englishman proceeds to walk to the door of the plane, open it up and before he jumps out yells ""God save the queen!"". The Frenchman is quick to follow and before he jumps out of the plane yells ""Viva la France!"". The Texan, now feeling inspired walks up to the door grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane while yelling ""Remember the Alamo!""" +35233,0,How do you know when a movie is going to be shitty? There are more than 1 SNL cast members in it +35234,0,"Batman and Superman had a nasty argument one day and they both storm off... Batman asked Alfred what he can do and he gives an idea. The next day, Batman writes on a billboard in Metropolis ""Superman is a pussy!"" Metropolis people had a good laugh that day, but Superman was not impressed with the stunt. He gets even more pissed and does the same thing. He writes on a billboard in Gotham ""Batman is Bruce Wayne!""" +35235,0,the stadium was became breezy and the players complained it was too cold so they removed the fans *edit: sorry for the title gore* +35236,0,"The astrophysics class I wanted to take got filled up, and I now have to think of another course to replace it. It’s not Rocket Science." +35237,0,"supermarket meet cute A handsome young man gets in line behind a young woman at checkout. He see that she has put a frozen dinner for one and a bottle of wine on the belt. He clears his throat and says ""excuse me miss, but you wouldn't by chance be single?"" She laughs coyly and says ""yes! how can you tell hahaha."" and he responds ""Well...you're fucking ugly to start.""" +35238,1,"Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are having a lightsaber battle And Luke is losing. He knows that unless he does something soon, he's going to die. So he thinks fast and says to Darth Vader, ""Darth Vader, I know what you're getting for Christmas."" Darth Vader hesitates for a moment and says ""How do you know?"" And Luke responds ""I felt your presents.""" +35239,1,How did the Asian travel back in time? He used his Thai machine +35240,0,What do you call a group of clowns that identify themselves as leaders but don't know what to do? Bored members. +35241,1,"A man goes to the doctor with a broken finger... after looking at it, the doctor informs him that it's been broken in a couple of places, but it'll heal just fine. The man says, ""Will I be able to play the piano after it's healed?"" ""Of course,"" says the doctor, ""You'll be perfectly healed in about 5 to 6 months."" ""That's great!"" exclaims the man, ""I've always wanted to be able to play the piano.""" +35242,0,What's big but small? A midget's ego. +35243,1,"A man was at a chicken restaurant... ...and the waiter asks if he like the chef special. The man asked how it was cooked and the waiter replies, ""It's country fried."" The man responds, ""Well, I've never tried chicken cunt, but maybe it's good refried." +35244,2,What's the difference between a sweatshirt and a jacket? I don't sweatshirt 3 times a day. +35245,0,Me and my friends are starting a gay Blink 182 and already thought of the name Twink 182 +35246,1,What did the gun say to the bullet? Go ballistic! +35247,1,"Did you hear about the lady that faked not being pregnant? Turns out, she was kidding" +35248,1,"WARNING TO DRIVERS I just filled the car up with petrol. Didn't notice I'd spilled some on my sleeve. Going down the road, lit a fag and my sleeve burst into flames. Opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames, and got stopped by the police. They're now doing me for having an unlicensed fire arm!" +35249,2,They launched a ride share app for witches... It's called BroomService +35250,0,How do you blind a chinese ? Put a windshield in front of them +35251,5,I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out. +35252,1,Why is gay marriage still a thing? Because people are fucking assholes +35253,1,"Afterlife Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’" +35254,8,"As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect." +35255,1,I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. +35256,0,My grandpa was in Cambodia but he managed to survive the Khmer genocide. It was a Phnompenal escape avoiding the Khmer Route. +35257,0,How do we know NASA is full of perverts? They've probed Mars several times. +35258,1,"A man was working at a farm and was about to begin planting crops When they were ready, the leader announced, ""Lettuce begin.""" +35259,1,"Girl, are you an HM move? 'Cause I can't seem to forget about you!" +35260,0,"I know this Nazi joke has probably been here before, but here goes. Knock knock. Who's there? \\*slap\\* VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!" +35261,3,I was blessed with a 9 inch penis That priest is in jail now. +35262,0,People on steroids are really irritable You could say they're far too Test E +35263,4,I'm like a credit card. I'm always being used or denied. +35264,0,What do people on a diet eat? Less +35265,1,How does a wife get her conservative husband to find her clitoris? Tell him it lives downtown in an underserved area and wears a hood. +35266,0,"The horse and the donkey A horse is in the pub having a few pints when he spots a donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter, donkey asks ""what did you do for a living"" and the horse replies ""I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter"", donkey says ""I worked with the kids on blackpool beach"" and follows up with ""did you win anything?"" The horse nods ""yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”. They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later and donkey decides that he has to impress the champion horse. He buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. When he horse arrives, he says ""lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?"" the donkey replies ""thats me when I played for Juventus""" +35267,0,"My girlfriend was really excited about sex but said we couldn't because she was on her period... .. I turned back and declared ""The only thing a period stops is a sentence.""" +35268,0,Do you know what is really cancerous? **Horoscope** +35269,0,What did the psychologist wash his dog with? Pavlovian conditioner +35270,4,I only have sex with people I respect. That's why I don't masturbate. +35271,3,"Dida 3 adventurers while on safari were caught by tribals. The chief came to the tent they were held in and gave them 2 options. Death or Dida. The 1st adventurer choose Dida, as anything is better than Death. The tribals took him away. After 1 hour, they carried him out to nearest town. When he passed the other 2, he screamed, ""Choose death"" Now 2nd guy got confused, but still choose Dida. Same thing happened again. He kept crying, ""Choose death, Choose Death"" Now the 3rd guy got really nervous. He asked the chief ""I am about to die, plz tell me what is Dida "" ""He is the strongest and biggest warrior we have with a 9"" penis. But he is into guys"" the chief replied. ""Ok, then I choose death"" the 3rd guy said firmly. The chief smiled and said ""Death by Dida""" +35272,0,"I went to see ""The Vagina Monologues"" and I was really impressed! Heck, I can't even wiggle my ears." +35273,3,"Love is like a fart If you have to force it, it's probably shit." +35274,1,What happens when a zombie gets food poisoning? It shits its brains out. +35275,1,"An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells ""Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!""   ""Is this her first child?"" asks the operator.   ""No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!""" +35276,2,They say one-liners are the lowest form of comedy That's why I only tell my jokes to midgets +35277,1,Where did Nicholas II get his coffee? Tsarbucks +35278,0,What's John Lee Hooker's favourite recording device? A Boom Boom mic +35279,1,I really hate how I can't add swearwords to my phone's spell checker. It's a ducking piece of shot. +35280,0,Who was the Father Buffalo's least favorite child? The Bison. +35281,2,What do you call a strange hammer? An abnor-mallet-y! +35282,0,Wanna hear a joke about ghosts? That's the spirit. +35283,3,"A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic... He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible. The teacher said ""Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler""!" +35284,0,What does a Texan son call his father? Older Brother. +35285,1,I pointed my gun at the sky and asked my girl to make a wish? Coz I was shooting star. +35286,0,"Yo mama's so black that when I tried to shoot her at night, the bullet came back and said, ""Where's that black bitch?""" +35287,1,The four most beautiful words in our common language I told you so. +35288,3,I used to date a hot 95 pound gymnast with ADD I just realized she may be the best fidget spinner I'll ever get to play with... +35289,1,Have a Midwife for sale Can deliver.. +35290,2,I spent a few hours crying by my wifes grave again today It's gonna be rough getting through each day until I get to bury her in there. +35291,2,"Castrations and Vasectomies are not the same In fact, there can be a vas deferens between the two" +35292,0,"Johnny Manziel walks into a Cleveland bar... That's two Punchlines. Sorry, I blew the third one." +35293,2,Why can you always trust a vampire to practice safe sex? They can't come inside without being invited! +35294,3,"A man goes into the doctor, and says ""I broke my arm in three places."" And the doctor says, ""Well then don't go to those places anymore.""" +35295,4,"A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law. The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket. ""I will accept that ticket if you can explain the legal difference between stopping and slowing down to a crawl, officer."" ""Sure,"" said the officer, ""please step out of the car."" The lawyer stepped out of his car and the officer withdrew his baton and hit the lawyer repeatedly with it. ""Now,"" said the officer, ""do you want me to stop or just slow down.""" +35296,0,What is red and crawls up your leg? An abortion with homesickness. +35297,1,What do you like to have after sex? My money back. +35298,1,"A blind man walks into a bar... A blind man walks into a bar... Rosanne says ""Hey! Watch where you're walking!" +35299,1,Did you know the result if 18 < b-4 is lost weight? +35300,3,'I'm sorry' and 'my bad' are frequently used interchangeably... ... but never at a funeral. +35301,0,Why do they call it a Xbox 360? Because when you see it you will do a 360 and walk away. +35302,0,I don't get what you guys are saying about how Mexicans hate Trump... ... Every Mexican I see is calling him a peachy cool arrow. +35303,1,Why is Sunday stronger than Tuesday? Because Tuesday is a weekday. +35304,0,I took my new dog to a Veterinarian. He went in Samoyed but came out Husky. +35305,1,Very much looking forward to McDonalds busting into the assorted nut mix game... Can’t wait to order some Mc D’s Nuts +35306,1,"I went into surgery yesterday After the anesthesia wore off the nurse said if I didn't pee within 2 days to go to the ER. To help, she recommended sitting in a warm bath and peeing in there. I told her ""No problem, I've been doing that since I was 2""" +35307,1,It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally. +35308,6,"During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly ""Nervous?"" asked the interviewer, I simply replied ""No I always give 110%"" " +35309,0,What did the Greek cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi +35310,1,"A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done. The homeowner said ""no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"" Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in the hallway outside of the kitchen, to leave. ""Get out now!"" the man shouted. Trying to allay his anger, the contractor asked for the homeowner to calm down and let his assistant into the kitchen with the part he needed. ""No!"" the man replied angrily. ""I'm going to sue you!"" ""You're not letting us finish the work. We're almost done, we just need to install one last thing, and you are preventing that."" said the contractor. ""If we cooperate, we can have this house finished and avoid a costly legal battle where we'd both end up worse off. Now just let that sink in.""" +35311,0,"Imagine black Jesus. ""I rode into Jerusalem on an ass"" ""yo mama's ass""" +35312,0,My car didn't yell at me for stopping by the bakery on the way home from work Guess it needs a new carb berater. +35313,0,What’s a dyslexic dominatrix’s favorite genre of music? DSBM +35314,1,"A blonde takes her car to the repair shop One day after a huge hailstorm, a blonde took her car into the repair shop to fix all of the dents that the hailstorm had created. Upon arrival, the auto-repair men saw the extensive damage and did not want to repair the car regardless of the amount of money they would get. Seeing that she was blonde, the auto-repair men decided to have a little fun. They told her, ""Oh you don't need us! All you need to do is take the car home, park it, and start blowing into the tail pipe and all those dents will pop right back to normal!"" The blonde was thrilled by this and hurried home. A little while later, the blonde's neighbor, who was also blonde, saw what was happening and came over. ""What are you doing?"" She asked. The blonde replied, ""I'm trying to get the debts out by blowing into the tailpipe. But I keep blowing and blowing and nothing is happening!"" Her neighbor looked at her and back at the car and exclaimed, ""Oh you silly! You got to roll up the windows first!"" " +35315,5,"It's an old man's birthday He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life. He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room. ""Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"" Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. ""No. Go away."" ""C'mon, ya old grump, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am today!"" Carl still hasn't looked up. ""I don't know, 100."" ""Nope, I'm 95! Wheeeee!"" And he shuffles off. He continues down the hall to the next room and sees another resident. ""Hey, Martha! Guess how old I am today!"" Martha squints through her thick glasses and says, ""Okay, come closer."" The old man steps up to Martha and Martha reaches her hand down his pajama pants. She fondles his old balls for about 30 seconds, pulls her hand back out and says, ""You're 95."" The old man says, ""How in the hell did you know that?"" ""I heard you tell Carl.""" +35316,1,"Thousands celebrate as the UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation When there is a will, Theresa May" +35317,3,"I designed a car, it is good, but it can not go backwards. I guess i am not that good at reverse engineering" +35318,7,If 666 is the evil number Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil. +35319,2,Why do black people have white palms? There's a little bit of good in everybody +35320,3,"A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”" +35321,3,A blind man walks into a bar.. And a chair. And a table. +35322,1,What's the difference between an old tire and 365 used condoms? One was a good year and the other was a great year. +35323,2,What did zero say to eight? “Nice belt” +35324,3,"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Good food, but lacks atmosphere." +35325,3,"Two mathematicians walk into a bar. Two mathematicians walk into a bar and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: ""I'll give you $5 is you answer ""one-third x cubed"" to the next question I ask you, OK?"" The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: ""I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem."" He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, ""What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"" She responds, ""one-third x cubed."" The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying ""plus a constant."" " +35326,1,What makes more noise than a Tractor? 2 Tractors +35327,2,"I told my mother in law ""When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well"". ""You shitting me?!"" She asked. ""Maybe."" I replied. " +35328,0,What type of cereal do Ethiopians eat? Ethiopios +35329,0,My bank recently tried offering customers a new type of current account… …but there seems to be no interest. +35330,5,"A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese How dairy" +35331,7,"A woman bent down ....to take a close look at a fine piece of jewelry in a jewelry store. In the process she vent out a fart. Embarrassed at that she looked around to see if anyone heard that. A salesman was right behind her. She gathered her composure and in the hope he didn't notice her breaking the wind asked "" What is the price for that necklace?"" The man smiled and said, ""Just looking at it you let out a fart. If I tell you the price I am pretty sure you'll shit your pants"". Edit: spelling. " +35332,0,"Terrible Thanksgiving Overseas ""European on the the Turkey I was Russian to Putin because I was Hungary""" +35333,7,"Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain ""Jump in"", I yelled, ""I'll give you a lift home"". ""Fuck off!"", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking." +35334,2,"I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure. *like Fucking hell, autocorrect. " +35335,0,A lousy scientist won the nobel prize His work was up to scratch. +35336,0,"Did you listen to that song by the Muslim artist? It was like, the bomb!" +35337,5,"Wife: Can I have $20,000 to get some breast implants to make them bigger. Husband: Why don’t you just rub toilet paper on your nipples. Wife: Does that really work? Husband: Well it seems to have worked on your ass." +35338,1,"What did Zelda say to link, when he couldn't open the door? ""Triforce.""" +35339,1,My gf and I stopped seeing each other. We intend to sue the eye surgeon next week. +35340,0,What is a teapot’s favorite play? Matcha do about nothing. +35341,0,What does a furry say after being in an overturned car accident? OMO +35342,5,I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis It has 3 reichs +35343,2,"A policeman stops three guys on a motorcycle He asks them: ""Are you crazy? What the hell are three of you doing on such a small motorcycle!?"" One of the three guys replies: ""Three? OH SHIT GUYS, BOBBY FELL OUT!""" +35344,4,"If someone has the Last Name ""Smith"" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith. Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position." +35345,2,My Wife Says I Look Like A Young Adolf Hitler... Guess Im Just NotSee-ing it. +35346,5,"I met a girl crying outside a mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When god blesses you, you must bless others." +35347,1,Can someone please tell me Voldemorts last name My friends talk in riddles +35348,0,How do blind people know when they're done wiping? Same as when they read Braille. They run their fingers over the paper looking for bumps. +35349,0,"A group of werewolves makes sense but a single one doesn't One ""Waswolf"" doesn't make sense to me." +35350,0,I'm surprised religious people aren't fitter I guess mental gymnastics just isn't great exercise. +35351,1,"Two paramedics, Bob and Mike, are arguing about what to do with a patient Only one hospital in the area is properly equipped to deal with his condition, but the ambulance's gurney straps aren't working. After several attempts at fixing them, Bob suggests taking the patient to a nearer hospital, driving extra carefully, while Mike keeps the patient secure. ""That's not safe,"" says Mike, ""and they aren't equipped to deal with him anyway. What if we have this problem with the next patient? We need to get these fixed!"" They go back and forth, Mike insisting that the problem lies with the straps, Bob that it's the destination. Finally, Mike snaps. ""For God's sake Bob, it's the gurney, NOT the destination!""" +35352,2,My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday So i gave her a scale (0-100 in kg's) +35353,0,56% of Brazil is Covered In Rainforest The rest is covered by Manuel Neuer +35354,2,"A rabbi and the Pope have a religious debate Several of the Pope's officials are concerend about the growing Jewish population in Rome, so the encourage the Holy Father to set up a religious debate with the head Rabbi. If the Rabbi loses, he must leave Rome. If he wins, they can stay. However, the Rabbi doesn't speak Italian or Latin and the Pope doesn't speak Hebrew or Yiddish. So they agree to have the debate using only symbols and hand gestures. The Pope goes first. He holds up three fingers. The Rabbi holds up one finger. The Pope makes a circular motion with his hand above his head. The Rabbi points to the ground. Then the Pope takes out a bottle of wine and communion wafers. The Rabbi pulls out an apple. At this, the Pope holds up his hands and says, ""That's it. He is far too smart for me. The Rabbi wins, the Jews can stay."" That evening, the Pope discusses what happened with his advisers. ""First, I held up the symbol for the Trinity. Then he held up one finger, meaning there is only one God. Then I told him God is everywhere, and he said God is right here. Then I pulled out the sacrament to show that there is salvation, and he pulled out an apple, meaning that there will always be original sin. He's far too smart."" Meanwhile the Jews are having a party and one of the Rabbi's congregants comes to him and asks how the debate went. ""Can you believe the chutzpah on this guy? He tells me, 'You've got three days to leave Rome.' I give him the finger. He then says, 'Not only do you have to leave Rome, you have to leave all of Italy.' I tell him we're staying right here. Then for some reason he pulled out his lunch so I took out mine.""" +35355,0,"On my very first day at work, I got drunk and fell out of a second floor window onto wet concrete. I was immediately fired. And what this proves is you never get a second chance to make a good first impression." +35356,3,My dad almost caught me watching midget porn. Thankfully I put my finger on the screen in time. +35357,1,"There are 3 people on a roof. They are Asian, American, and Mexican. They each throw off one thing they have the most of. The Asian throws noodles, Mexicans throw off tacos, and the American throws off the Mexican." +35358,2,Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship! +35359,2,Remember when a bunch of Redditors started buying coconuts? I do. People back then were fucking nuts. +35360,0,"My friend says dogs are better than cats, especially pitbulls But screw him, he's just a bite supremacist." +35361,5,"General Custer’s Last Stand An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, ""I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."" Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. ""What the hell is this?"" screamed the billionaire. ""Why, that's exactly what you asked for,"" said the artist smugly. ""No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"" ""And there you have it,"" said the artist. ""I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'""" +35362,3,"Pretty women sneezes At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. ""This is so embarrassing,"" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. ""I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, ""You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"" ""No,"" she replies. ""You just happened to catch my eye.""" +35363,0,You know in maths what ever you do to the LHS you have to do to the RHS Well that’s why we should all be communist +35364,1,I just formed a band called 999 Megabytes... we haven't gotten a Gig +35365,1,"Black Betty An African lady named Betty came into a restaurant and asked the server, ""Is there any chicken on the menu?"" The server replied, ""No, Black Betty, it's ham or lamb.""" +35366,0,BREAKING NEWS: Scandal involving Microsoft's founder has started. Media outlets have called it #*BillGate*. Credits to /u/stophatn31 for the inspiration. +35367,0,"Life and Coffee I like my life like I like my coffee, as dark as it can possibly get." +35368,3,"The Generous Man *ADULT CONTENT* There's a man walking along the beach enjoying the beautiful sunset when he comes across a girl crying. He asks her, ""What's wrong?"" She tells him, ""I'm 21 y.o., I have no arms, no legs and I've never been kissed."" So he looks around, bends down and gives her the most passionate kiss. He stands up, ""There, now you've been kissed,"" and he walks away. As he was walking away he hears her crying again, so he turns around. He asks, ""Now what's wrong?"" She says, ""I'm 21 y.o., I have no arms, no legs and I've never been fucked."" So he looks around, gently picks her up and tosses her into the water, ""There, now you're fucked!"" P.S. My disabled Mom told me this joke." +35369,4,Dads are like boomerangs I wish I had a boomerang :( +35370,7,"The story of John, the betting salior. John was a young military salior with an unusual ability. He could make very off-the-wall predictions, and he had a knack for making money off them. One day, a shipmate finds him making a small X on the deck with tape, and asks what he's doing. John stands up. ""I'll bet you fifty bucks, in exactly an hour a seagull will fly over, and shit exactly on this spot."" The other man laughs, says ""You're on!"", and they shake on it. They both come back to the deck close to an hour later. After a few minutes, sure enough, they hear the calls of a gull, followed by a faint splat. The salior looks down in disbelief at the pile of bird shit on the center of the tape. He pays up. A couple of days pass. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Back on the deck, another salior finds John walking around in his rain coat, and asks why he's wearing such odd attire on such a pretty day. ""I'll bet you 100 dollars that you're gonna regret not wearing yours too in just a minute."" The second man looks at him, and takes the bet. He begins to walk away, but before he can take a dozen steps, a single dark cloud forms in the sky and begins to soak the entire ship. These strange bets continue, and before long, news reaches the captain of the ship. He wants this madman off his boat. He calls some friends in high places, and gets John transfered to another vessel. A few days later, he receives a phone call from the commander of the destroyer John was placed on. ""You know,"" says the commander, ""I don't see why you wanted him gone so bad. I've already won five thousand from him. He's not as good as you said."" ""What? How'd you pull that off?"" The commander laughs. ""The idiot bet me that I had hemorrhoids! I've never had them in my life, easy money! It was a little awkward proving it, but worth it."" ""How'd you prove it?"" ""Simple. I pulled down my pants, and showed him my asshole. He still didn't believe me, so he grabbed a broom and poked at me, and finally was convinced. Easiest five grand I've ever made."" There was a silence, and the captain finally said, ""Throw that son of a bitch overboard right now."" ""What? Why?"" asked the commander. ""Because on his last day before the transfer, he bet me twenty thousand that he'd willingly have a broomstick up your ass by the end of the first week.""" +35371,0,"What do Redditors and shampoo have in common? Rinse, lather, repeat" +35372,0,"For years there was speculation that former president GW Bush was dyslexic, though neither him nor any sources had confirmed this. So one day at a press conference a reporter finally asked, ""Mr. Bush, are you in fact dyslexic?"" To which Bush replied emphatically, ""ON!""" +35373,1,So the Saturday before Easter is on 4/20 this year... I guess it’s a High Holy Saturday. +35374,0,What's dumber than a box of rocks? The hippie that carries them across the country. +35375,2,"My dad and I were walking towards a water fountain in our town’s square. He pulled out two coins and handed me one saying that we should both make a wish. We flipped our coins and, after a brief pause, he turned to me. Dad: “Guess it didn’t work.” Me: “Why?” Dad: “You’re still here.”" +35376,0,Why is 7 afraid of 6? Because he ain't got jack on him +35377,1,"I saw a women texting and driving in the lane next to mine... Incensed, I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her." +35378,1,"What did the marble head of the centurion say to the criminally intoxicated young women carved on the wall? Frieze, this is a bust." +35379,0,"I'm always conflicted because I don't want to talk to the cashier, but I feel bad about contributing to their job's impending obsolescence. I compromise by making small talk with the self checkout robot." +35380,2,How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. +35381,1,What’s a teenager’s favourite month? Juuly +35382,0,The Harambe memes need to stop It's very de-meme-ing. +35383,1,I found the woman of my dreams. She said she was bi. I was excited. Turns out she meant BIpolar. +35384,3,"3 men die and go to heaven St. Peter asks them each how they died. The first guys says, well you know I was driving to work and had this feeling I couldn’t shake that my wife was cheating on me. So I went home and sure enough I open the bedroom door and see a naked man streak past me. In a rage I start looking for him. I see these hands on our window sill and a man hangin out the window. I grab a pan a smash his hands and he falls 3 stories and the canopy breaks his fall. So I pick up our fridge and throw it out in top of him. In the madness I had a heart attack. The second guys says, well St. Peter I am a window washer. I fell while washing windows, as I was falling I reached out and grabbed onto a window sill. Then some mad man starts smashing my hands. I fall 3 stories and the canopy breaks my fall. I say thank you Jesus for saving my life. Then a fridge lands on me. The third guys says. I’m not sure what happened. I was hiding in the fridge and then, boom. " +35385,0,Two guys walk into a bar... ...the third one ducks. +35386,0,What do you get when you put olives in your hand? Dish Soap. (I'll wait) +35387,0,I am such a fan Of air +35388,2,"How do you ask if someone is vegan? You don't need to, if they are you'll already know " +35389,4,"Having sex with me is like playing Hide-and-seek After the first 30 seconds, I'm yelling ""Ready or not, here i come!""" +35390,9,"Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane... Bush says, ""I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy"". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, ""I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy"". Hillary smirks and says ""oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy"". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, ""I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy""." +35391,0,"Control the Clitoris Nowadays we have to be up to date about women becoming in positions of authority. As we all know, many women in positions of power are at risk of ""spinning their bean"" in a selfish manner stimulating their sensitive nerve endings for a 30-60 second sensation of neuromuscular euphoria. My theory is to prevent the hideous result of a both a woman in power having her self-stimulation cycle is to either have her wear a chastity belt or undergo surgery to remove her sensitive clitoris. That is the acceptable way for a woman to be president for example. Think about it, we don't like the idea of something pleasurable and sensitive walking around like a boss. It needs to be tamed and put in it's place. Whose with me?" +35392,2,What's the most profitable part of owning a lemonade stand? Selling the antidote. +35393,4,"A woman is in the shower And she hears a knock at the front door. The woman jumps out the shower but there’s no towel. She hears another knock at the front door. The woman runs downstairs naked and says “Who’s there?” The person at the door replies “The blind man”. Upon hearing this response the woman thinks ‘he’s blind, it doesn’t matter if I open the door naked’ and opens the door. The man steps in and says “Nice tits, where do you want me to hang these blinds?”" +35394,0,"So, I was talking to my friend the other day He told me that he had begun to hit the gym. Since he is rich, he had actually all set it up at home. Which left me wondering... Does that count as domestic violence?" +35395,0,"In American boxing, what do you call a punch that can kill 20 kids and 6 adults? A Sandy Hook" +35396,6,"I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it." +35397,2,"When I was in grade school a girl showed me her ""peepee"". I showed mine, teacher caught it. And then they fired me." +35398,0,I was with some friends and I made a joke about owning a 2-story house. All I got were stairs +35399,0,Why do Welsh people have so many wet dreams? They get to sleep by counting sheep. +35400,5,When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body Then I was born. +35401,0,How do you take the temperature of a gorilla ? With great caution. +35402,0,"Casual Friday dress code So a place my dad used to work had a policy of dressing formally mon-thu and then had 'casual friday.' About 90% of people got the idea but there were a handful of people who needed to be informed that 'casual friday' does not mean 'wear your gym clothes to work day.' Rather than talking to these few people individually and asking them to dress nicer, management decided to implement a dress code for casual Friday. > button down shirt with a collar > Kakis or slacks > close toed black or brown shoes So one guy (who normally dressed fine) shows up looking like he's just finished weeding his backyard. He had a button down shirt, not tucked in, with dirt and grass stains on the sleeves. The frayed bottoms of his Kaki pants were a good six inches above his ankles so you could clearly see that he wasn't wearing any socks with his black sneakers. My dad asked him if he had been gardening and he responded by gesturing to his outfit and saying: ""I am in full compliance with the dress code""" +35403,2,A Crossbow is like a Beautiful Woman It has a lot of complicated parts and if you handle them wrong it will snap and break your fingers. +35404,0,What do you call a man that has sex with his mom? A mother fucker. +35405,1,"I went to the doctor the other day And I said, ""Have you got anything for wind?"" So he gave me a kite." +35406,1,"Imagine if Houdini was still alive. Jokes on him, cause we buried him in a real coffin." +35407,4,Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring? I guess you never had to roll it down that far. +35408,5,"Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed." +35409,0,They call me ninja dick... They never see me coming. +35410,1,Why did the cowboy adopt a Weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy +35411,3,I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United. +35412,0,"Custer's last stand A sculptor is approached by a Native American Chief who wishes to erect a statue to commemorate the great victory at The Battle of Little Bighorn. The statue is to be revealed at the 100th anniversary of the battle, accompanied by much revelry. The Chief asks the sculptor to visualise his interpretation of the last thing to ever go through Colonel Custer's mind. The sculptor agrees and goes away to think and sculpt. The day of the anniversary arrives. The hitherto unseen statue remains cloaked in tarpaulin. The party is in full flow. The chief calls the revellers to attention, and they wait in eager anticipation of finally seeing the memorial. After a few words, the Chief lifts off the tarpaulin. Stunned silence reigns as the crowd behold a fish nailed to a crucifix, the crucifix decorated with pages from the Karma Sutra. The Chief gives the sculptor a quizzical look and asks what he thought could possibly be going through Custer's mind as he was slain. The sculptor replies ""Holy mackerel! Look at all those fucking Indians!""" +35413,2,"A man farts in public in a small city... He is so embarrassed that he leaves the city. 10 years later he thinks well, it has been a long time and nobody remembers what I did... It's time to go back home. He is back and meets a kid. Asks him how old he is. The kid answers I don't know but everybody says that I was born the same year Joe farted." +35414,5,"I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music. At first I was afraid, I was petrified" +35415,0,What's a dog's favorite way to have sex? Ruff! +35416,1,Yo mama so poor She can’t even afford to pay attention. +35417,3,What is sweet and sticky and crosses the desert? A caramel +35418,1,I asked my Hispanic friend to transfer my drink into a cup... Then i told him thanks for that pour favor +35419,1,Did you hear about the new rapper? His name is G-hod. He's really blowing up. +35420,0,Why did the bait-shop owner take an apprentice ? He wanted to be a master-baiter. +35421,1,Koalas aren't bears They don’t meet the koalafications. +35422,2,Your mama so fat... I was gunna make a movie about her - “around your mum In 80 days” but I changed it to “mission impossible”. +35423,1,"picnic bus crashed A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably… “My wife missed the bus”" +35424,1,What do you call an abusive insect on the high seas? Assailant +35425,0,So George Michael just died So George Michael just died. Wham! I guess that was his last Christmas. +35426,2,"Last week, hubby wanted to spice things up a little, and suggested we play doctors and nurses..... .... so I strapped him to a trolley, put him in the hallway, and ignored him for 48 hours. " +35427,2,Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people. +35428,2,FBI questioning a murder suspect Q: When did you go to her house? A: Never Q: Where are you from? A: Ghana Q: Did you sell or give those to her? A: Give Q: Who did you contact first? A: You Q: Where did you go after you contacted us? A: Up +35429,2,"My girl broke up with me, thinks I am childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and ran away..HA!" +35430,2,I’m practically married to Reddit and it’s destroying my life. Karma is a bitch. +35431,0,Chase Elliott will never win a Sprint Cup Series race. He will win a Monster Energy Cup Series race. +35432,0,I like my women like I like my car's transmission with a stick. +35433,0,"What happens when The Past, Present, and Future walk in to a bar? It becomes very tense." +35434,1,"In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me. I thought ""that's not very mature""." +35435,2,Why do blind people hate sky diving? It scares the shit out of their dogs Edit: Taken from u/GoofBall412a in a comment section +35436,5,"A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new handbag... Daughter - ""Thanks for the Baghdad""" +35437,4,If Minecraft has ever taught us anything... It’s that you shouldn’t spend diamonds on hoes +35438,0,"You tell your friend that you once viewed an art gallery with 100's of paintings, in a mere second Friend: ""You're lying"" You: ""Haha why?"" Friend: ""The human eye can only see 60 frames per second""" +35439,0,"What is an advantage of living in Switzerland? For one, having the flag is a big plus" +35440,4,Last week I took my grandma to the spa For 20 bucks they have this tiny fish that eat off your dead cells. It was way cheaper than funeral +35441,1,"How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent? She starts her sentance with ""A man once told me""" +35442,1,two drums and a cymbal fall of a cliff \\*Ba Dumb Tss\\* +35443,2,"an ageing prostitute went into a pet store she wanted one of the newly weened puppies they had on display. the clerk, knowing that puppies so young can be difficult, began to explain how to feed, train, and care for a puppy, the woman was confused by everything he said and seemed to be taking in none of the information being presented to her. And so after about 3 fruitless hours of instruction the clerk finally conceded that you can't teach an old trick new dogs" +35444,1,"I heard paralympic basketball players are very selfish, they never pass All they do is dribble." +35445,2,My blond girlfriend ain't too bright. I told her I played Russian roulette once. She asked me if I lost. +35446,0,What’s a Tesla Coil’s favorite author? Nikola’s Sparks +35447,3,"A man dies ... A man dies. When he arrives at the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is welcoming him. The saint started to walk him throug heavens, where he could eat, sleep, and all the other pleasures heaven has to offer. At one point, they reached a room full of clocks. Most of them were moving, but all on a different speed. The man asked Peter ""What are these clocks?"" and Peter smiled ""These are lying-clocks. Whenever a person lies, his clock will go forth one second. Look, there is Jesus clock, it still stands at midnight. There, Mother Theresa, just 3 seconds in, and there Gandhi, not even 5 seconds."" The man walked amazed through the room, but at one point he turned around ""Hey, where is Trump's clock?? ""Trump? Well, our ventilation broke down, so we use his as blower."" Edit: Typo" +35448,1,"John: Is there a hole is your shoe? No!! Dumb Joe: Then, How Did you get your foot into it? " +35449,0,There are 10 types of people in the world Those who get binary and those who don't +35450,7,Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white +35451,0,The earth is flat just like the band Nickelback is the all time selling band! +35452,1,"I was feeling confused, and I needed answers. I needed to just ask the things that have been bothering me to someone. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have used the Ouija board." +35453,1,"Someone Asked For My Thoughts on Euthanasia Well i’m no expert, but with China easing up on the one child policy there sure will be more of them." +35454,0,"Two Eskimos were having a heated debate over whose igloo was the coldest.... Mukluk says ""Watch this!"" and spits into his igloo. *CRACK* ""Do ya see that? So cold my spit freezes midair."" Makoktok nods his head thoughtfully and says ""Thats pretty good. C'mon over to my place and I will show you something"" They go inside and Mukluk is confused. He asks ""Why do you have all these little brown chunks of ice on the floor?"" Makoktok just smiles, picks one up and tosses it in the fire. *BRRRAAAAAAPPP!*" +35455,4,"A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father ""Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"" Father says ""why do you wanna know that son?"" Boy says ""Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it.""" +35456,2,Why are companies who sell snacks sexist? Cause they avoid trans fat +35457,1,"Those signs that say ""Slow children playing"" When they grow up become ""Slow men working""" +35458,2,What's a 70 year old vagina taste like? Depends ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ +35459,2,"A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port... Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain said: ""Fix my ship fences for free and i might let you aboard"" The apprentice agreed.So for an entire week,he fixed the fences with only the best wood on the island and smooth it to perfection.The captain,after having seen the entire process,admired the young apprentice for his determination and though to himself: ""Damm,just look at the amount of reposts he has done just to get upboat!""" +35460,4,How much does a boob weigh? A mammogram +35461,3,"Astronauts must be having a blast Because now they can say: ""Houston YOU have a problem""" +35462,0,What’s Princess Zelda’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Knight +35463,1,Five most popular enhanced interrogation techniques.. .. The fourth one will shock you! +35464,4,"Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued? He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel." +35465,0,"Do you know what do you say, when you outsmart a person from Czech Republic ? Checkmate" +35466,2,My wife choked to death while sucking my cock. It was a terrible blow. +35467,0,"Remember that song, “Groove is in the Heart?” I always thought it was Dee Liteful." +35468,1,"A brunette is speeding in her car with her blonde friend passenger The blonde in the passenger seat turns around and notices a police car behind them and quickly tells the driver. ""Damn it, does he have his lights on?"" Asks the brunette. The blonde turns back around and says ""Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no....""" +35469,3,"The Noisy Dog A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ""I've had enough of this"". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ""The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"" The blonde says, ""I put the dog in our backyard ... let's see how THEY like it! " +35470,0,"A woman gives birth to identical twins One twin walks into a lonely bar. The other twin walks into the same bar and says,""is there another person in here or is it just me""" +35471,2,I always borrow money from pessimists. They never expect it back. +35472,2,"Nice Legs.. A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, ""Wow, nice legs!"" She is flattered and replies, ""You really think so?"" The man says, ""Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.""" +35473,0,My wife has just been diagnosed with seasonally affected disorder. It's sad. +35474,0,If a plane crashes on the border between Arizona and New Mexico... where do they bury the survivors? +35475,0,"5 years ago,After I won a million in lottery,I decided to spend it on Charity... Now,I'm broke and the court has ordered me to pay for alimony and child support even though she got the house and car and full custody of our kids..." +35476,0,"[Repost] Complicated Breasts I was walking with a friend who got harassed a lot because she has these huge tits. She has the kind of tits that men need time with, like they have questions. They need help processing them. " +35477,0,I stuck a nail on my thumb. I guess you could call that..... A regrettable decision. +35478,3,I hate when people make fun of my Tourette syndrome It really ticks me off +35479,0,"A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, ""You need to stop masturbating."" The guy replies, ""Why Doc? Am I going blind?"" The doctor says, ""No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.""" +35480,2,I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but sigh *unzips* +35481,0,What does a pterodactyl have in common with a urinal? P in front of it +35482,0,What's the difference between an Israeli terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can reason with the terrorist! +35483,1,Yo mamma so dumb She thinks judo is what you make bagels with +35484,5,"TV ad for Benson's Nails Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails. ""Give me a week,"" says the friend, ""and I'll be back with an ad."" A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin ""Use Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything."" Benson goes mad shouting: ""What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad. He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Benson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Benson is beside himself. ""You don't understand: I don't want *anything* with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."" A week passes and Benson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Benson's Nails!'." +35485,2,Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks? The riverbank. +35486,0,"Lavoisier, Davy, Arrhenius, Brønsted and Lowry walk into a bar Lavoisier orders a drink and takes a sip, but realises there’s something wrong with it. He turns to Davy and asks “hey man, my drink doesn’t taste right. Could you give it a quick sip?” Davy takes a sip, and figures out that to fix it, another drink should be added to it. So he calls out to the bartender and makes a special request to mix it in with another drink of his choosing, and after the bartender gives the two drinks a good mix, he serves it back to Davy. Davy takes a gulp and notices that it’s starting to taste less funny, but there’s still something missing. He passes it to Arrhenius, who was already listening in. He gives it a taste, and realises that the drink probably wasn’t shaken well enough, so he asks the bartender to beat it using an egg beater rather than just shaking it. After spending a good minute or two thoroughly beating it, he hands it over to Arrhenius again, who tries it out. “It’s almost there, I can feel it. But there’s one little thing missing I can’t put my finger on” So then Brønsted and Lowry chime in, suggesting they could try to fix it. They both halve the drink into two glasses and try out a sip. Determining that it’s just missing fruit juices, they call out to the bartender to add some sweet lemon juice. The bartender squeezes it in, gives it a thorough mix and serves it to them. Having convinced themselves they finally managed to get the drink right, they both clink their glasses and take a sip. They immediately fall to the ground gargling saliva as the alcoholic beverage begins pouring out of a burning hole from their throats. I spent a good 20 minutes coming up with this joke please forgive any grammatical errors " +35487,0,What do you call a broken window that you step on? A window pain +35488,1,What's a narcicist's favourite porn category? A selfie. +35489,2,"Because you black and they white Tyrone's first day in the first grade he came home crying. When his mother asked why, he replied, ""The teacher told us to say our ABC's and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to the letter E. Why is that? His mom said, ""Because you black and they white."" The next day Tyrone was crying again. ""What's wrong today, Tyrone?"" his mother asked. Tyrone said, ""Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get up to 10. Why is that?"" The mom answered, ""Because you black and they white."" The third day he came home smiling. ""What happened today, Tyrone?"" asked his mom. ""We went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all, because I'm black and they white, right mama?"" She said, ""No, Tyrone, it's because you 17 and they 6.""" +35490,0,"An old dutch joke. A dutchman a german and a frenchman are in a hotel bar when the bartender says:""that castle on the top of the hill is haunted by the ghost with the red eyes you know"" the frenchman, not believing him goes to the castle the next day, and the ghost appears. "" I am the ghost with the red eyes Oooooooohhhh"" the frenchman immediately runs away an hasn't been seen since. The german also not believing the story, goes the next day. The same happens. The dutchman goes the next day, the ghost appears"" i am the ghost with the red eyes! Ooooooohhhhh"" the dutchman replies "" oh yeah soon you will be the ghost with the blue eyes!""" +35491,2,What's better than roses on a piano? Two lips on an organ +35492,2,I refuse to play poker with my friend because he has a tattoo of Jim Carrey from 1994 on his forearm. He's always got an ace up his sleeve. +35493,1,"Baby, give me that couch.. .. cause I need some sectional healing!" +35494,0,What's the difference between falling from 2nd floor and from 7th floor? Thudd !! Aaahhh Aaaaaaahhh thuddd!! +35495,4,If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. +35496,1,"Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse. Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't ""A Dead Giveaway""!" +35497,3,How do you make a dog drink? You put it in a blender +35498,1,What do you call a feathered robber A BIRDglurer! +35499,2,Whats the worst thing about having sex with an 89 year old woman? Depends... +35500,2,I don't understand why we study circles in geometry. They're pointless. +35501,1,"What's a black person of the United States called? A frickin' American. What'd you expect, something racist?" +35502,0,what do you call a sleeping egg? a bed pan +35503,2,"Lost Dog Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says ""Mmmm, that was some good lion."" The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off. But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, ""Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!""" +35504,2,Why was the clock salesman bored? He had too much time on his hands. +35505,2,What happens when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner +35506,1,This stupid long fall is really bringing me down. Maybe I should not have jumped after all. +35507,1,"A lizard who just cant get it up walks into the doctors office The lizard asks the doctor what the problem might be. The doc answers back, seems to me like you might have Ereptile Dysfunction. " +35508,1,I'd like to tell you a ripe joke... It's just not ready yet. +35509,4,"Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods... ...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, ""What the hell is that?"", Sherlock responds, ""A lemon tree my dear Watson.""" +35510,0,"To OC, or not to OC: -that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous *karma* Or to take arms against a sea of *reposts*" +35511,0,"Sherlock and Watson go camping Sherlock and Watson are camping. And they have a fire, some hotdogs, couple beers. They were havin a damn good time, but then decide to go to bed. So they set up their tent and go to bed for the night. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes Watson and tells him, ""Watson. Look up. What do you see?"" ""I see stars. Billions of them"" And so Sherlock asks, ""what can you deduce from that?"" ""That if there are billions and billions of stars in our galaxy, and the billions of galaxies on this planet, with all of the stars and planets there must be some sort of extra terrestrial life"" And Sherlock answers, ""No you idiot. Someone stole our fucking tent."" " +35512,6,"A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'.... After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'. The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him.... Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?. 'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'." +35513,4,Where does the hairy farmer hide his cows ? In his moo stash. +35514,2,What do you call an ass that talks? Buttocks +35515,3,"A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can ""But..."" he warns ""My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."" The man assures him he won't touch his daughter, and is invited in for a meal before bed. As he sits down to eat, he sees the daughter and she isn't just beautiful, she is the most stunning woman he has ever laid eyes upon. He tries subtly flirting with her, and after dinner she whispers in his ear ""Join me in my room when my father falls asleep."" The man can't help himself, and that night sneeks into her room for several hours of lovemaking, before returning to his own. When he wakes up, he feels a pressure on his chest, and notices it's a huge rock. He sees a note that says ""Chinese torture no.1: rock on chest."" Shrugging, and figuring these tortures aren't going to be so bad, he stands up, casually tossing the rock out of the window and down the ravine in defiance. It is then he notices a second note on the windowsill ""Chinese torture no.2: rock tied to balls."" Seeing a thin bit of wire unspooling as the rock falls, the man decides broken legs are better than castration, and leaps out of the window. He sees a large banner on the floor below simply reading ""Chinese torture no.3: cock tied to bedpost.""" +35516,5,How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end. +35517,0,What do you call a bust that doesn't bounce? Anti-gravititties +35518,0,Oh Bill I've wondered why we call her Hillary instead of Clinton. Maybe it's because Clinton leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth. +35519,0,What's the difference between a cow and the Twin Towers? You can't milk a cow for 18 years. +35520,1,There's only one problem with this Russian Roulette club Every year it gets smaller and smaller +35521,1,How do you get 'Dick' from 'Richard'? You ask him nicely +35522,0,The best thing about having sex with a transsexual hooker (nsfw) Is reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. +35523,3,Why are you guys getting so mad at lazy people? Theyre doing nothing +35524,1,I never make predictions. I never have and I never will. +35525,4,"My ex broke up with me My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ... I took a deep breath and calmed down. Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away." +35526,2,"I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall... So I said, ""Screw it!""" +35527,1,Hate crime? No I love crime. Why do you think I do it? +35528,1,I am not a superstitious man for I hear that those who are have the WORST of luck. +35529,2,"Bad Parrot Man decides to buy a parrot for his mother's birthday. Pet store owner warns him the parrot cusses like a sailor but the man is determined and buys parrot thinking he'll stop the parrot from cussing before Mom's birthday. First day when parrot cusses the man takes parrot's food away. Being hungry just made parrot cuss more. On the second day when the parrot cusses, the man covers his cage with a blanket and sticks him in the closet. This just makes the parrot madder and he cusses more. On the third day when the parrot cusses the man has had it and sticks the parrot in the deep freeze thinking that would cure him. After 30 minutes chillin' the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and the parrot says: ""Wh... Wh... What did the t't'turkey do?""" +35530,1,"When you miss or cancel an appointment, that is a disappointment." +35531,1,"Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. " +35532,0,"If Trump wins the election ... What will the presidential candidate for the next election choose as his/her campaign motto? ""Make America good again.""" +35533,2,I used to know a great joke about a boomarang... Oh well... it'll come back to me. +35534,0,What do you call a Speakeasy in the hundred acre woods? A blind Tigger. +35535,5,"Lion and Rat A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. ""Get a load of her,"" says the mouse, ""I fancy that!"" ""Well, why not try your luck?"" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, ""What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"" The mouse says, ""Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."" ""But how come you look like you're so exhausted?"" asks the lion. ""Well"", says the mouse, ""Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"" " +35536,3,"Told The Wife She Drew Her Eyebrows To High, She Looked Surprised." +35537,2,"An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. ""Why a thermos bottle?"" the others asked. ""Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."" ""Yes - so what?"" ""Think about it."" said the mystic reverently. ""That little bottle - how does it know?""" +35538,3,"I went bald years ago, but I still have my comb... I just can't part with it." +35539,0,How do you conifer? You swipe its birch certificate and steal its identitree. +35540,2,"Some friars need to raise some money for some church repairs... So they decide to start selling some of their flowers and make a little florist stand in front of the church. Eventually, they start making quite a bit of money, as everyone wanted to buy flowers from men of God. Because of that, however, the florist across the street started losing business, and wanted to put an end to the friars' little stand. At first, he tried asking them, which didn't work; who would want to give up a thriving business. The florist tried to then get the town to shut it down, but they declined as well. So, as a last resort, the florist looks for the biggest, baddest thug in town, Hugh Thomas, who proceeded to knock out the friars, putting them out of business. Moral of the story? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars." +35541,4,"A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks. The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, ""these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."" Pointing to one, the man says, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's George Washington's"", God answers. ""The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" the man responds. ""And whose clock is that?"" God responds. ""That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."" ""Where is Donald Trump's clock?"" the man asks. ""Trump's clock is in Jesus' office,"" God says. ""He uses it as a fan.""" +35542,0,If the plural for Goose is Geese... ...Then the plural for Moose should be Meese. +35543,0,What did the Egyptians say when Ebola came to them? AYY BUDDAY! +35544,1,What do you call an old snowman? Water. +35545,0,George Zimmerman is selling his gun I'm sure he'll make a killing. +35546,1,A dyslexic man walks into a bra... cadabra. Then he disappeared! +35547,0,Wanna hear a joke? A joke without people complaining about Reposts. +35548,2,"Two fish are in a tank... ...And one fish says ""you man the guns, I'l drive!"" (laugh track) Suddenly, the fish points to the horizon and says ""What is that over there?"" The other fish then exclaims ""That's anemone! I can sea him!"" " +35549,5,"A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ""There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette,"" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. ""What the hell am I doing?"" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ""I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"" ""Last week my wife ran off with a cop,"" the man said, ""and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"" ""Off you go,"" said the officer. " +35550,1,"An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast... A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him. ""Millie up, ya Croppy shite!"" Said the thug. ""I'll blast yer papist skull!"" ""Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney."" Replied the Irishman. ""I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."" ""Ha!"" Said the thug. ""Good craic! I tricked ya. I knew ya was a gee-bag Orangeman. Time to die, Protty!"" ""Stay a little, ya mingin' muppet!"" Urged the Irishman. ""Begorah, I'm no Protestant either!"" The Irishman pulled out a Star of David pendant. ""See? I'm of The Tribe. I'm a Jew. Not Catholic nor Protestant. I'm a Jew!"" The thug lowered the gun. ""Oh."" The Irishman sighed in relief. After a moment, the thug raised the gun again and smiled. ""Then I'm the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland!""" +35551,2,If getting on a train is alighting Then getting it off must be delighting +35552,6,I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year. Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store. +35553,0,My resolution this year is the same as last year. 5760 x 1080 +35554,3,"My girlfriend tells me her body is a temple Everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter." +35555,0,"First she accused me of being just another thirsty guy, then she gave me beef.... ..... Arby's is a wonderful place." +35556,1,I finally watched Doctor Who. It was about time. +35557,0,"Oh my god! responded the mother as she heard the news. ""Will my son be an alkyne forever?"" ""It's even worse,"" the doctor said, ""he's terminal.""" +35558,0,Eat the Eiffel Tower It's high in iron. +35559,0,What did one butt chick say to the other butt chick? Together we can stop this shit. +35560,4,"Have you heard of the band 999 megabytes? Probably not, they haven't got a gig yet" +35561,0,How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them. +35562,0,"If a camel has 2 humps, what do you call a camel with one hump? A hunchback" +35563,2,Australians don't have sex Australians mate +35564,0,Did you hear about a guy who threw up in a Chinese McDonalds? The server asked him if he would like flies with that. +35565,5,Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Someone told her drinks were on the house. +35566,2,Did you hear about the insomniac social justice activist? He was woke af +35567,0,Hmmm..... what do I do with my Aaron Hernandez jersey? Might as well hang it. +35568,0,If Anton Chekov was a truck driver would his play be called Uncle Scania? +35569,0,"What is the quickest way to get Trump out of The White House?? Put Monica Lewinsky in there. She's not the hero we deserve, but she'd be da real MVP we need right now. " +35570,2,"A pastor is walking down a path When he spots a young boy, frantically lifting hay bales onto an upended cart. The boy is sweating profusely, and the pastor says to him: ""Son, you are working very hard, very hard indeed. It is a hot day, perhaps you should take a rest?"" ""Oh no, sir, my father would not like that. I must continue"" ""The sun is hot, and those bales are heavy, surely your father would not mind you taking a small respite in the shade?"" ""Oh no, sir, I cannot. My father would be really upset if I did that"" ""Young man, you are drenched in sweat! Where is your father, I will speak to him at once!"" ""Under the hay, sir.""" +35571,1,"It's a Bacon tree An general and his army are on the way to a battle 3 counties over and are looking for a place to rest. A foreigner standing on top of the hill stops the general and points down the hill. ""No go there. It's Bacon Tree"" The general and his men look at each other look at the foreigner and say to him ""What's a bacon tree"" The foreigner starts making jumping and stabbing movements and starts spouting ""Bacon Tree, Bacon tree that way"" The general shrugs his shoulders and continues down the hill where a group of Indians were waiting and massacred the entire army leaving only the general and his first in command. They both marched bloody up to the hill to the foreigner and said to him ""They killed everyone, they were waiting for us. Why didn't you say anything?"" The foreigner suddenly looks up as if he remembered something, shakes his head and starts yelling ""Ham Bush, down there Ham Bush""" +35572,3,There's two ways to frustrate a person The first is not finishing a sentence The second is +35573,0,"When someone proclaims ""I'm not ashamed of Jesus"", I can't tell if they are a Christian or if they are coming out of the closet." +35574,2,I like my coffee how I like my women.... Ground up and in the freezer. Edit - happy Halloween! +35575,6,"How is Donald Trump like a pumpkin? He is orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should have been thrown out in early November." +35576,2,They say that men who have anal sex more often are happier But from what I've noticed they're still fucking assholes +35577,2,"Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN... Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, ""Oh no, these are just prenatal vitamins high in Vitamin D. I want my baby to have strong bones."" The other two nod approvingly and another takes out a handful of pills. ""These are prenatal vitamins high in Vitamin A. I want my baby to have good eyesight"", and she Swallows them down. The last mother takes out a handful of pills and swallows them down. The other two look at her expectantly and she says, ""Oh, it's Thalidomide. I can get the fucking arms on this jumper to come out right.""" +35578,1,NSFW The best thing about twenty eight year olds is there's twenty of them. +35579,0,I tried to buy the father from the Addams Family from a young starlet. She told me she was Sellin'a Gomez +35580,0,The one glaring aspect which Darwin never really addressed despite the plethora of research he conducted (and inspired) on 'The origin of species'.... The fact that competitive curling hasn't gone away yet. +35581,6,"I like my coffee like my slaves FREE, you racist piece of shit..." +35582,0,What's the opposite of Microsoft? Megahard +35583,6,Why did the old lady fall into the well? She didn't see that well +35584,4,Some people told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe +35585,4,"[Mod Post] We've begun flairing jokes We've begun flairing jokes with link flair. We, the mods, have been discussing this for a while, and we've begun doing it. We've configured automoderator, as well as doing it by hand. The purpose of this is to flair some of our more common types of jokes, so people can filter out in RES for them, or if they like them, search for more of that type. The flairs we currently have are: ""Dirty"" - For any jokes that are dirty or possibly triggering to the SRS/Tumblr crowd, such as jokes about sex, racist jokes, Nazi jokes, etc ""long"" - For any jokes that have a longer setup. ""Puns"" - For clever wordplay ""Religion"" - Jokes about any and all religions. ""Blonde"" -The classic, jokes about Blondes ""Knock Knock"" - Knock Knock jokes ""Politics"" - for any jokes that have to do with current US politics, including the presidential primaries. ""Screwed on a lightbulb"" - for jokes about how many ___ it takes to screw on a lightbulb ""walked into the bar"" - For the classic ""walked into a bar"" jokes. The rationale behind this was so that people can filter out joke types they don't like in RES, so if you get easily *TRIGGERED*, by dirty jokes, you can choose to hide those, or if you despise puns, you can hide those. Conversely, you can also search by flair! So, if you have a hankering for more jokes with a longer setup, you can just click on the flair text of ""Long"" on any post marked as such, and it'll take you to s page that's nothing but long jokes. If your post gets a flair, but the flair is inaccurate or shouldn't be there, please modmail us! Please give any **constructive** feedback in modmail or as a reply to this thread!" +35586,0,"My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow thts an amazing car. He replied, if u work hard, put all ur Hours in, and strive for excellence I'll get another one next year...." +35587,1,The most important browsers are IE and Edge. You need them to download Chrome and Firefox. +35588,1,What did the gastroenterologist say when I told him I haven't pooped in months? You're full of shit +35589,3,"So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King... And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints. Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this month- No. This is Honey Nut's chance. And the party's in one week. Our boy Honey Nut works extra hard this month. Washing two times the tables and taking two times the orders, this man is destined for a party. On Wednesday-the party is on Friday-Honey's boss comes up to him and says, ""Honey Nut! I have great news! Your hard work and dedication has paid off. You get to go to the CHEERIO OF THE MONTH PARTY!!!!!"" ""Seriously?"" Honey Nut replies. ""This is fantastic!"" So Honey puts on his Sunday best and goes on his way to the party. When he arrives, he is instantly taken away by this smokin' hot babe frosted Cheerio. Now Honey Nut is a pretty confident dude, despite working at burger king, so he goes to talk to her. ""Hey, my name's Honey Nut, and-"" Suddenly he's cut off by her. She says (insert Valley Girl voice) ""Oh, I only talk to Frosted cheerios."" Honey Nut is crushed. He just goes to his table and drinks milk until he's extremely drunk. I mean, what else would you expect a piece of cereal to drink? So half a month goes by, and Honey Nut is working harder than ever, cause that's all he knows how to do. One day, his boss comes up to him and says, ""Honey. Have I got the opportunity of a lifetime for you. We just got this machine installed that will frost you. You get the chance to become FROSTED!!!!"" Honey Nut steps into the machine and gets-drumroll please- frosted! So he gets invited to the party, and sees the same babe cheerio. They start talking and she actually gives him her time. She seems interested and they talk for so long. After a while, she gets thirsty so he offers to get her a drink. He goes to get her milk, but the line was too long. He went to get her coffee, but the line was out the door. Then he went to get her some punch and guess what? There was no punchline. Oops. " +35590,3,What was the name of the physician who could smell the future? Nostrildamus I made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :) +35591,0,Did you hear about the guy who made the tic tac? He made a mint +35592,0,What is a weed smokers favorite instrument? The Bong-O's +35593,0,"Two men were at the urinals in the men's room. One asks the other, ""What's up?"" He replies, ""Oh, just hanging out.""" +35594,3,"A Leprechaun walks in to a bar He finds a stool next to a huge biker. Biker looks at the little man with a sideways glance then resumes his drinking. The leprechaun orders a beer and chugs it as soon as his gets it. Turns towards the biker and spits in his face. The biker is pissed says ""the fuck is your problem"". The leprechaun orders another drink, chugs and proceeds to spit in the bikers face again. The biker stands up this time and yells ""do it again and I'll cut your dick off"". The leprechaun calmly looks up at the towering figure of the biker. Turns and orders another drink. Watching him carefully with fury filled eyes the biker takes a huge glob of spit right between the eyes. He grabs the leprechaun by the neck and pulls a knife from behind his back. Says to the little man ""I'm cutting it off you little prick"". The leprechaun smiles and says ""Sorry for you boy, but I don't have a dick"". ""How do you piss then"" the biker asked confused. The leprechaun then spits in his face again. " +35595,0,"I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang but eventually, it came back to me." +35596,0,Here's two (dad) jokes in the same sort of vein... What do you call a fitness instructor who moonlights as an action hero? [Jason Stay-thin](#s) What do you call a music artist who works out and is a bit of a creep? [Slim Shady](#s) +35597,0,"What's the difference between a masochist and a blogger? There's none, both live for the hits." +35598,5,"A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers... and says ""Five beers, please.""" +35599,0,What is a Communist's favourite colour? Comm-Red +35600,0,"i live in a town in the us where it is mandated that there should be a park in every mile. with the high Korean population in my town, thats probably possible" +35601,1,"A man goes into a chiropodist. The chiropodist, a young woman, tells him to wait in the consulting room, she’ll be there in a moment. When she walks in, the man is standing with his pants down and his dick on the table. The woman just glances at it and says “That’s not a foot”. The man smiles and says “Give it a minute”." +35602,1,"Son: ""Dad, I dropped your ThinkPad on the floor!"" Dad: ""Did it break?"" Son: ""I don't think so, it boots..."" Dad: ""..."" Dad: ""I MEAN THE FLOOR.""" +35603,2,what do you call a funny Muslim? Muhahahammed +35604,1,Why did the Mexican man push his wife off the cliff? TEQUILA +35605,5,What do you give a girl that has everything? Penicillin +35606,0,What religion are most felines? Cat-tholic +35607,3,I used to smoke weed in the 90's Now I don't care what temperature it is +35608,4,"A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven. He meets God and has the opportunity to ask him any question, so he asks who shot JFK. God replies that Oswald acted alone. The conspiracy theorist thinks, ""damn, this goes deeper than I thought...""" +35609,5,Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie. +35610,0,Whoever has my voodoo doll... Can you please suck it’s toes? +35611,0,"A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar The priest orders a glass of red wine, in a kid's glass. The minister asks for a bottle of root beer, with a shot of whiskey. The rabbi asks the bartender for a glass of Manischewitz. The bartender says, ""What is this, some kind of joke?""" +35612,3,"Former intelligence agent: ""I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."" Buzzfeed journalist: ""Ok please go on."" Former intelligence agent: ""I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."" Buzzfeed journalist: ""Oh really? So then, what happens next?"" Former intelligence agent: ""What happens next will shock you.""" +35613,1,Why hasn't Achilles returned to France? He hates Paris. +35614,2,Why are black people so tall? Their knee grows +35615,0,Donald Trump's father served in WW2. Served many a dinner in Berchtesgaden. +35616,0,"The most perfect method to say the perfect punch-line. /ˈpʌntʃ.laɪn/ assuming of course you know how to read ""phonetic transcription""." +35617,6,"How do you treat a sick chemist? If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium." +35618,4,How did Hitler tie his shoes? ... In little knotsies. +35619,1,No one excpected South Sudan to secede from its former state. It was all very Sudan. +35620,2,"If I have 30 pieces of chocolate cake for my cake day, and eat 25 of them, what do I have? Diabetes......I got diabetes." +35621,0,Whats the best way to get gum out of your hair? Cancer Edit: Sorry +35622,3,"Patient: *waiting for the doctor* Patient: waiting for the doctor Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting. Patient: Its okay, I am patient." +35623,0,Its really annoying how everyone keeps telling me that stan lee died Like honestly... just stan leave me alone. +35624,6,Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us +35625,0,Protest against Zika virus eradication! Because Black flies matter... +35626,0,What do you call surgeon with parkinson’s? Chopped liver! +35627,1,The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat! +35628,0,How did the severely pointy-chinned man die? He impaled himself when he dropped his change. Why did his funeral take longer than usual and leave mourners horrified? The casket lid kept banging the top of his head and wouldn't close. +35629,4,How do you get an one-armed person down a tree Wave at them +35630,0,Spiderman has got a job... Webdesigner +35631,0,The only thing people go to Thailand for Is to Bangkok +35632,0,Im not one to disagree with middle Easterns So Yeah men +35633,0,What's the longest you've stayed in bed? I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke +35634,0,"I used to work in a prune juice factory. I was a taste tester. It was a good job, but I’d work 1 day and have to stay home 2." +35635,0,Why do fascists hate snowflakes? Because of Stalingrad flashbacks +35636,0,How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Americans out of a pool? 911 +35637,6,"I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined. The old lady behind me whispered ""He just got cock blocked by visa""" +35638,1,My Door Bell is not working I deserve NoBell prize +35639,2,"I wrote a poem I dig You dig She digs He digs They dig We dig Okay so it's not the best poem, but it's very deep! " +35640,2,How do you neutralize Lords of Acid? With some Ace of Base. +35641,0,Do you know how the Nazis found Anne Frank? They dropped a coin and heard a bunch of thuds coming from the bookcase +35642,5,"My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up... A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’" +35643,6,What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code +35644,1,A lot of people say that alt-right would be good for America. I'll try it if Ctrl-alt-delete doesn't work. +35645,1,What do you call a pickle you cant turn down? A good dill. (Dad joke my buddy came up with who doesn't have kids. Best read out loud). +35646,2,"A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops him and says, ""I'm sorry sir, but we only allow each passenger one carrion""" +35647,2,"There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun. At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Eddie, I’m here for Bettie, we’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”. The farmer paused, then said, “Ok, she’s ready.” Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said, ”Hello, my name is Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show. She ready to go?” The farmer paused again and said, “Yeah, she’s ready”. A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said, “Hello, my name is Chuck….. ” and the farmer shot him. " +35648,6,"When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself ""Ironic"". So when there's trouble & I'm running away, people will be like ""Isn't that ironic?!""" +35649,1,TIL Jimi Hendrix didn't die God just wanted guitar lessons +35650,0,What do you call Michael Jackson's debut after bleaching himself? Back and white +35651,0,"My school is so poor, That the textbooks are so old, that they still say that the Earth is round!" +35652,2,Where do polar bears go to deposit money? A snowbank +35653,2,"The ""Lumos/Nox"" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However... I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid ""Avada Kedavra.""" +35654,2,"Steve, Harold, and Richard approach a magic slide... The keeper of the slide tells them that whatever thing they yell while sliding down the magic slide, they will land in a pile of that thing. Harold slides first, and yells, ""money!"" and lands in a pile of 100 dollar bills. Richard slides second, and yells, ""beautiful women!"" and lands atop a dogpile of beautiful naked models. Steve is still a bit confused about what's happened to his friends. Wondering where his friends are, he slides down the slide and yells, ""Harry! Dick!"" " +35655,0,"Donald Trump, Ivanka and her husband went to a bar **the waiter paid the bill**" +35656,1,What do you get when you hit Death in the head? Reaper-cussions +35657,2,An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names. +35658,2,"A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. ""Don't frett,"" he said. ""Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of the verse."" Six months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed, and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. Unfortunately, after just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck, and beat her. Domestic violins - it's no joke. " +35659,1,Whats orange and sounds like a parrot ? A carrot +35660,1,What does the Canadian guy says he does after drinking a really hoppy beer? IPA! +35661,1,What do you call an MTG player who's also a flat-earther? A planeswalker. +35662,4,What do you call a masturbating cow??? Beef jerky. +35663,0,A man walks into a bar The man is Donald Trump. He orders a drink and leaves a few minutes later. The joke is that you thought this one wasn't going to be political +35664,5,"I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping!”" +35665,5,Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? Just in case she needed to draw blood! +35666,3,What happened to Cinderella when she got to the ball She gagged +35667,3,"I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. ""Hello"", she said. ""Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?"", I asked on the phone. I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind." +35668,2,"What would you say if you had breakfast with the Pope? Eggs, Benedict?" +35669,1,What’s a police officer’s favorite metal? Copper. +35670,0,"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the scabs on your arms? Shut up and eat your cornflakes!" +35671,2,Why do melons have to get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe. +35672,0,Who took the nurse's rectal thermometer? Some asshole. +35673,1,Yo mama... ....put the Fat in Fatality +35674,3,"I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present. ""Don't be so fucking stupid,"" he said. ""Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" +35675,0,"I understand why Captain Marvel had to be a woman. If the ""special"" plane had been flown by a man instead then he wouldn't have crashed it from the start." +35676,0,"A man was arrested on the streets of New York He was naked, for the exception of a mirror on his front. When they arrested him, the police asked if he could guess WHY he was arrested. He said he needed to sit down and reflect on it." +35677,0,"Last night I ordered a pizza Last night I ordered a pizza and the delivery guy told me the most amazing joke. Well, the joke was alright, but the delivery was pretty good." +35678,1,I always wanted to die as calm as my grandfather... and not as hysterical as my grandmother on the passenger seat. +35679,2,How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized” Sadly there is no way to tell this joke out loud. +35680,5,"3 Tough Cowboys Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains. The first cowboy says, ""I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."" The second cowboy says, ""Bah, I'm the toughest man in the west. I was shot off my horse, scalped and left for dead. I crawled 60 miles through the desert on my belly to the nearest fort."" The third cowboy said nothing as he stirred the coals of the fire with his dick." +35681,0,Canada's Prime Minister is two faced He's got a white and a black one +35682,0,Plateau A plateau is the highest form of flattery +35683,1,Two snare drums and some cymbols fall off a cliff.. Ba-dum tsch. +35684,0,What does Tupperware® and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal! +35685,3,What do you call the path of a truck turning 180 degrees? A semi-circle. +35686,4,"My friend said ""What rhymes with orange?"" I said ""No, it doesn't""" +35687,0,"Two cats sit on a roof, which one will slide off first? The one with the smallest mew." +35688,1,What do you call a cow during an earthquake A milkshake +35689,0,So I just learned that Easter and April fools are on the same day in Australia. Jesus ain’t no joke. +35690,2,"A Brunette and a Blonde are robbing the local town bank... The brunette, as the getaway driver, grows increasingly nervous as the minutes pass by and eventually sees the blonde struggling to get out of the building. As the blonde gets through the doorway the brunette finds her pulling a rope she tied around a small safe. The blonde manages to get the safe to the car just as the security guard bursts through front doors with his pants around his ankles. The brunette takes off shouting at the blonde, ""Dammit! Dammit! I told you a thousand times! *Tie up the guard* then *blow the safe*!" +35691,0,Was going to tell a gay joke... But fuck it +35692,0,"Dinner Table Son = Dad,can you pass the salt? Dad = I don't know,can you pass the semester?" +35693,1,Why can some Italians be so hard to find? They're always Roman around. +35694,0,"Father, Son and Dogs Son sees dogs having sex and asks father. ""What are they doing dad?"" Father thinking about preserving son's innocence says: ""He is teaching her something."" Son with a confused look on his face says: ""Well he can teach her, without fucking her in the ass."" " +35695,1,"I was on an Australian tour, and handled a koala bear. The trainer told me to wash my hands, as koala bears are known to have chlamydia. In all honesty, the koala should probably wash *his* hands." +35696,3,"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don't know, don't care." +35697,1,What do you call a film about a female deer that's always causing dangerously high wind storms? TornaDOE +35698,1,"An alligator and crocodile both walk into a bar. Sitting next to each other, they both order the same drink. The alligator spits out his drink claiming it to be disgusting. The crocodile looks at him claiming it isn't that bad. The alligator looks at the crocodile and simply says one thing: ""Well that's a croc.""" +35699,2,'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring... Because the carbon monoxide detector failed. Merry Christmas Reddit! +35700,4,"So, I was out walking at night In front of me was a woman. She looked behind her back, the started to run faster, I got a little spooked so I started walking faster too. she began to walk even faster. I was really scared so I began walking even faster too. suddenly she began to run. I began running too. She then began screaming, so did i. I don't know what was behind us, but it was the scariest night of my life." +35701,4,"A traveling salesman... is going door to door and he stops at a house and rings the bell. A boy about nine years old opens it, and he's got a towel tied around his neck like a cape, a snifter of brandy in one hand, and a cigar in his mouth. The salesman asks ""Are your parents at home?"" The boy takes the cigar out of his mouth and says ""Does it fucking look like they are?""" +35702,0,"A man was working at a racist restaurant His boss, after seeing all the people crowded in the restaurant, yelled to the man, ""Get the F out of here!"" The man stares at his boss with teary eyes, ""Really?"" ""Yeah really!"" The man picks up his belongings and leaves the restaurant. The boss is confused and runs after him, ""Don't you think you can skip work, boy!"" ""But you told me to get the F out of there!"" ""Yeah, the *french* out of there!""" +35703,1,Producers at MGM originally wanted 300 midgets for the Wizard of Oz but could only get 139. I guess the cast was half the size of what they wanted. +35704,1,My dog is so pretentious that... ...he only drinks Eau de Toilette. +35705,0,"Two salesmen go hunting [long] Deep in a secluded forest, miles from the nearest civilization, two men are in a cabin, getting ready to go hunting bear. The first man, an Operations manager, is sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles, reading up on local hunting regulations. The second is outside the front of the cabin, ready to go and growing impatient. After a few minutes he calls into the cabin, ""I'll be right back, I'm gonna scout the premises"" then leaving with the door still ajar. He isn't walking for more than a few steps before he see's a prize bull, a fully grown brown bear resting a few hundred feet away from the front face of the cabin, without thinking he quickly aims and takes the shot. After a few minutes on the pot, the Operations manager hears a gunshot, a scream, a *thud* and then a roar as he watches a fully grown grizzly ploughs through the wide open front door of the cabin. The bear is looking confused as it looks out at the sales manager who scrambled to his feet and closed the door on the bear which had just barreled over his body laying on the ground. The Operations Manager sat there there in shock with his pants around his ankles as he hears his sales manager shout from outside ,""Hey boss! You skin this one, I'll go fetch the next!"" " +35706,3,"...That $800 A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her. Her husband takes a shower right after her. When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings. So the woman goes to answer the door ... It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says "" ill give u $800 if u drop that towel"" so she did and Stan gave her $800. Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs... Her husband asks...""who was that hunny"" and she says"" oh it was just Stan"" The husbands asks "" did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?""" +35707,1,What do you call an absentee mother with a penis? A trans parent. +35708,6,"FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE! 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other" +35709,0,"The safest place for my money is with my girlfriend Every time I come home I can't find it, she must hide it well " +35710,0,What does Monica and Hillary have in common? They don't fuck Bill anymore. +35711,2,"My overweight parrot has just passed away To be fair, it's a weight off my shoulders." +35712,5,"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say Boooo!"" Every woman in the audience yelled ""Booo!"" The speaker said to the crowd, ""Obedient little bitches, aren't you?""" +35713,1,"Three workers were sitting on a bridge eating lunch... The first worker opens his lunchbox and notices he got a turkey sandwich, then says “if I get another turkey sandwich I will jump off this bridge. The second worker opens his box and sees he has a bean burrito. This angers him and he says “if I get another bean burrito I will jump off this bridge” The third worker opens his box and he has a balogne sandwich. He then says “if I get another balogne sandwich I’ll jump off this bridge” The next day the first worker opens his lunchbox and he has another turkey sandwich, so he jumps off the bridge Then the second worker opens his lunchbox and he has a bean burrito, so he also jumps off the bridge and dies The third worker opens his lunch and has a balogne sandwich, so he jumps off the bridge and joins his coworkers in death The three wives are then at he funeral and the wife of the first worker says “oh if only I had known my to pack him another turkey sandwich”. Then he wife of the second worker says “if only I knew not to pack him a bean burrito, he would still be with me today” Then the wife of the third worker says “don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch” " +35714,1,Why are Tacos depressed? Because they’re always falling apart +35715,0,My GF says men can’t multitask So when I said I slept with her sister and mom yesterday her jaw dropped. She’s so embarresed she won’t look or talk to me +35716,0,"I’m so sharp, That I can cut people with my shoulder blades" +35717,1,"I was looking to buy a truck I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150  pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to see how that new truck would ""feel"" before they become old. The salesperson was wearing a ""Hillary for President"" lapel pin and sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its ""wonderful"" options. The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the  summer heat. I mentioned that this must be a Donald Trump truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round. I had to walk back to the dealership. She had no sense of humor." +35718,2,Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election? Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy. +35719,0,"An American tourist visit Israel An American tourist visit Israel. She lands in Tel-Aviv and after checking into her hotel, she decides to go for a walk on the beach. She notice that all the men wear their sunglasses on their foreheads, not on their eyes. She decides to ask first guy: ""Excuse me, why do all the Israeli men wear their sunglasses on their foreheads?"" The guy grabs her hand and shoves it down his swim trunks. ""Feel it. Is it warm?"" he asks her. ""Yes"" ""It's because of the solar panels""." +35720,7,"My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time. " +35721,2,"One night... One night, after being married for many years, a couple is in the bed when she feels her husband touching her like he did when they were young. He started in the neck, down the back to the buttocks; returned to the neck, the shoulders, the breasts and stopped in the stomach; put his hand inside the left arm, passed the breast, buttock, the left leg to the foot, climbed into the inner thigh and stopped right on top of the leg. Did this for a while and suddenly, turns around and doesn't say a word. The wife tells him fondly: -Honey, that was wonderful, why did you stop? Found the remote." +35722,5,"A boy came home with a C+ in music. He said with great vigor, ""I got an A-""" +35723,0,What's a terrorist's favourite melee weapon? A boomerang. +35724,0,What’s the most unfortunate store name for a salon? Pedi-File +35725,1,"Doctor, ""I have a strawberry stuck up my butt!"" Doctor: ""Put this cream on it!""" +35726,2,"I was interviewed by the police yesterday. I just said ""No comment"" to all their questions. They said they'd let me know but somehow I don't think I am going to get the job." +35727,0,What's the similarity between me and a sock We are both single +35728,3,"Two old ladies sitting on a park bench There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke, but the second old lady couldn't reach it." +35729,3,What do you get if you cross Prince Andrew and Donald Trump? Murdered in your prison cell. +35730,3,What do you call a three-footed Aardvark? A yardvark. +35731,1,"One day in a well known University, a Sr Psychology Professor One day in a well known University, a Sr Psychology Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students Whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name ............. As usual and as expected no one answered. The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day, he started moving towards the gate of the class. Students were overjoyed to be free. Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said, ""I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time"". Everyone became interested. Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride. Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed. (Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy night.) She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't. When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me. I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university. The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally. She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now. I asked the name of the student.She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality. He whistles a lot. The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled. The professor turned to that boy and said, ""Young Man I didn't get My Ph. D in Psychology by sitting on my Ass.""" +35732,1,PSA: Kids don't buy drugs If you become a pop star they give them out for free +35733,1,Do you know who really likes to get fisted? Hand puppets! +35734,1,What do you get when you cross an owl with a skunk? Something that smells but doesn't give a hoot! +35735,4,"A teacher and a student A teacher asked Billy: If there are 5 birds on a post and you shoot 1, how many are there left Billy? Billy: None. The rest would fly away. Teacher: The real answer is 4 but i like the way you think. Billy: I have a question for you ma'am. If there are 3 women eating ice cream, one licking, one biting, and one sucking, which one is married? The teacher nervously: The one sucking? Billy: The correct answer is the one with a wedding ring but i like the way you think." +35736,0,A math teacher asked his student why he looked so sad. The student told him that he couldn't solve his angle of depression. +35737,0,I'd tell you the joke about the time I lost a fortune in Indian food But it's naan of your business. +35738,1,"San Francisco Examiner A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that ""after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex"". A hospital spokesman replied: ""Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.""" +35739,1,"Microsoft did a commerical for a disability controller, I wonder how they did the casting. Wanted disabled kid for a commercial must know a Fortnite dance." +35740,0,"What to do if you dropped a bucket of poop on the ground and you are panicking? Firt of all, try to get your shit together." +35741,2,"In Need of a Pun Alright, so I need help coming up with a spiderman-themed pun to ask a girl to Prom. I'm going to be holding a sign with the pun-loaded question while dressed as Spiderman. Help is greatly appreciated. To keep the mods happy, I'll give you a joke: A dyslexic bar walks into a man, bartender long face asks him ""Why?""" +35742,0,Why did the Apple Employee get fired? He suggested opening some windows. +35743,0,If there's one thing I cant go... It's a bike with square wheels. +35744,5,"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word. " +35745,0,"Free Wi-Fi password combinations for yal Poland squad for World Cup: Bialkowski, Fabianski, Szczesny; Bednarek, Bereszynski, Cionek, Glik, Jedrzejczyk, Pazdan, Piszczek; Blaszczykowski, Goralski, Grosicki, Krychowiak, Kurzawa, Linetty, Peszko, Rybus, Zielinski; Kownacki, Lewandowski, Milik, Teodorczyk" +35746,0,One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry. +35747,2,"Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: ""There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.." +35748,0,"how do the scotland yard find drug addicts? they go out every hour, on the hour, and count the bongs." +35749,1,What do you call a sentient lycanthrope? A self awarewolf +35750,1,Yo mama's so intrinsic she compounds daily. All my finance majors out there. +35751,0,What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. +35752,0,What do budgies do to relax? Netflix and Trill +35753,2,Why will Trump get away with treason? They can't hang him because of the fake noose. +35754,0,"Ever hear the story of the woman who swallowed a razor? She got a tonsillectomy, histerectomy, circumsized her husband, and cut off the neighbor's finger." +35755,1,Got some Christmas Cards from Supermarket. Turns out they were from Tenko not Tesco. +35756,2,Why are there so many gays in the sewer? They love entering a manhole. +35757,0,"I made 3 batches of Meatloaf, but one didnt turn out very well Two out of three aint bad" +35758,4,"Man asked his wife “What would you do if I won the lottery?” Wife said, “Take half and leave your sorry ass.” Husband replies, “Good, I won 10 bucks here's 5 now get the hell out!”" +35759,1,What's the difference between hungry and horney? Where you stick the cucumber. +35760,0,What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine? **An immigrant.** +35761,5,Did you know they invented a food that decreases a woman’s sex drive by 98%? It’s true. It’s called wedding cake. +35762,0,You hear about the gay wood worm Ate the knob off the door +35763,11,"A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? ""Because he used to live in a brothel"" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, a new brothel!"" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: ""Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: ""Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!""" +35764,2,What do you call a letter thats never sure if it wants to be delivered or not? Femail +35765,5,My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall But it was his dumb asphalt… +35766,1,"How much do I make preforming circumcisions? Not much, but I get to keep the tips. " +35767,0,Guy reported via email the ones responsible for bombings and said Idid +35768,1,What do muslims say when their sister pokes them in the eye? Eye-sis +35769,2,"Why did Star Wars Episodes 4,5,6 come before 1,2,3? Because in charge of planning, Yoda was. " +35770,0,Choose the major you love and you’ll never have to work another day in your life. Because that field probably isn’t hiring. +35771,1,What's the difference between Frenchmen and some toast? You can make soldiers out of toast! +35772,3,"I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think something scary is about to happen, I can feel it." +35773,1,How do Jedi warm up for sexy time? Forceplay +35774,0,What do you call a Korean fixing a window seal? A Caucasian +35775,0,What's worse than ten children in one bucket? One child in ten buckets. +35776,3,My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral. Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song. +35777,1,"Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles. Talk about making national headlines!" +35778,1,Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking. But Swiss cheese is holy. +35779,5,With great power comes great... electricity bills +35780,4,"So, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his penis... The bartender asks the pirate, ""Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel attached to your penis?"" The pirate replies, ""Arrrgh...it's driving me nuts!""" +35781,0,What do you call a shark’s asshole? An orafish +35782,0,if some one else killed Hitler i bet they wouldve said... Bet u did NAZI that coming +35783,1,What is the most common blood type among pessimists? B Negative. +35784,3,Dads are like boomerangs. I hope. +35785,2,"Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here... They're sack religous" +35786,2,"An Irishman, a English woman, and an American man are all at a meeting with ambassadors of the world, discussing world hunger The ambassador from Germany welcomes everyone, and begins clapping his hands slowly. After about a minute he says, ""every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."" The American says, ""our country would be willing to donate food and other supplies to Africa to help this issue."" The English woman says, ""our nation would be willing to send care workers to help families in poverty. The Irishman screams out ""I'll kill the fucker clappin' his hands and stop the deaths once an for all!""" +35787,4,The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you. It falls on your shoulders. +35788,1,"I study whole day / Night but got b+ , whereas my friend goes to party , spend times on games and movies, still got A+ ..... On blood test report.." +35789,1,Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? It looks too much like dancing. +35790,6,"I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier? It was about a weak back." +35791,0,My mother in-law has diabetes and hay fever I like to cheer her up with flowers and chocolate. +35792,0,"Frozen Account My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you’ll understand, but my capital has been frozen.” —Source: Funny in China Survey" +35793,5,"An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.... He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator." +35794,1,A mathematician tried to claim the Millennium Prize... for P vs NP but it was held up because no one could verify that he had the correct answer. +35795,0,Did you hear about the French chef who dropped the toaster in the bathtub He commuted sois vide-cide. +35796,2,"I went for a job at NASA yesterday. Everything was going well until they asked me what my ambitions were. I replied, ""The sky's the limit!"" and they told me to fuck off!" +35797,3,Why is X = 2K + 1 called the teenager equation? because it can't even. +35798,0,"Teacher:I know you will never tell your mom that i am eating your Lunch today ???? Teacher to Student:I know you will never tell your mom that i am eating your Lunch today ???? Student Relied with Innocent Honestly :No Teacher, Never I will Tell my mother than i fed my Lunch to a Dog today . " +35799,0,Where does a leprosy patient buy his goods? In a second hand shop! +35800,4,I gave my kids the childhood I never had. I had a great childhood. +35801,0,"What's the difference between the city and the Great North? In the city, seals hit up the clubs. In the Great North, clubs hit up the seals." +35802,1,"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." +35803,1,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. +35804,1,Trump is President Oh...Wait. Fuck +35805,0,Did you hear about the guy who invented suspenders? He won the NoBelt prize +35806,1,Whats would happens if you added Hillary Clinton and the USA and subtracted an A? I dont know but it would be Hillary Us. +35807,3,How does a Muslim close a door? Islam's it +35808,5,"Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten, asked my son ""Internet explorer."", I replied." +35809,2,"A guy walks into a bar... ... with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, ""Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."" The guy says, ""No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."" He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, ""See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, ""Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!""" +35810,3,50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is Or what kind of saxophone music he played +35811,4,A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven. +35812,0,200 cannibals are aharing Amy Schumer All die of Diabetes +35813,4,A clown held the door for me today. I thought it was a nice jester. +35814,1,What did the fungus say to the tree? I think I've taken a lichen to ya. +35815,1,After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise.. When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool +35816,2,Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded +35817,0,If I could represent my academic experience as a sport... ...it'd be a perfect game of golf. +35818,4,"A man goes on vacation... And calls up his buddy to see if he'll watch over the house and, more importantly, the cat. ""Sure thing, Jim! You know I love Tiger! You just enjoy your trip and I'll call you if anything pops up."" Two days later, Jim is sunbathing on a cruise ship when his phone rings. He recognizes his buddy's number and answers the phone. ""Jim... I'm not sure how to tell you this... Tiger died yesterday. He ran out the front door and was hit by a car."" After a moment for the shock to wear off, Jim finally composes himself. ""Thanks for letting me know, but you really could have softened the blow for me. Tiger was my everything you know."" ""Well... how should I have gone about telling you in a better way?"" The friend asks. ""It's simple actually. You call on the first day and say 'Tiger is on the roof and I can't get him down.' Then, the next day, you call again and say 'Tiger fell off the roof, but I took him to the vet and it looks like he's going to be ok.' The next update would be 'Tiger took a turn for the worse, but there is still hope for a recovery.' And finally, you call the next day and say 'Tiger passed away peacefully in his sleep.'"" ""Wow,"" his buddy says, ""I really should have done this. I am so sorry for just dumping it on you, but I want you to know that you should still enjoy your vacation and I'll be here for you when you return."" After thanking him, Jim goes back to enjoying his cruise, the news about Tiger slowly fading from his mind. Three days later, Jim's phone rings, again coming from his friend. ""What's up?"" Jim asks. ""I just wanted to let you know that your mother is on the roof and I can't get her down.""" +35819,0,"James and Adam are great neighbours... One day, Adam was complaining to James that he needed to paint a room in his house but was overwhelmed with the amount of work he had at his office. James tells him ""you've been a great neighbour to me all these years, go off to work and I'll take care of the painting for you"". Adam is humbled and relieved by the offer, ""why thank you James, you can come over tomorrow, everything is ready, my wife will be there to let you in"". So the next day Adam hops over to work and James sets up and starts painting. A little while goes by and James notices Adam's wife passing by the hall in her PJs. ""Don't be letting your eyes wander now, you've great neighbours and you shouldn't mess anything up."" James whispered to himself. Soon after, Adam's wife passes by the room again, but this time she's topless and sends a wink in James's direction. Grabbing his face to turn it back to the wall he's painting, he thinks ""come on now, Adam has been there for you when you've needed him most, he's practically your brother! You must stay focused on the job"". Adam's wife passes by the door once more, except this time she's completely nude and whispers ""I'll be in the bedroom"". In awe of her figure, and her beauty reminding him he hadn't seen much action in a few months, he concludes ""well Adam, ol' pal, seems I'm needed elsewhere in your home too"". So they both go at it, passionate and wild, they almost didn't hear the closing of the door downstairs. Without much time to react, James jumps up, hops into the other room and continues painting. Keen to see the progress, Adam pops over and gasps in shock. ""James! What are you doing painting the room butt naked!?"" Thinking quickly, James replies ""oh, I see, you want me to paint your room AND get my clothes dirty?"". A little puzzled, Adam continues ""uh, well, sure, but for God's sake man, why do you have a raging boner!?"" To which, James responds with ""well how else am I supposed to hold the paint bucket?"" " +35820,5,From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?” Chicken sees a salad. +35821,1,"I don’t understand how people like coprophilia, Cuz that “shit’s” nasty." +35822,1,"There were three guys in hell There were three guys in Hell - Iranian, American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, ""A call from Hell to Hell is local."" " +35823,0,Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are together in a lifeboat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. No land in sight. No ships in sight. Who survives? The American people. +35824,0,I have a life pro tip I never wear condoms +35825,0,"The Goat A drunk who lives on a farm walks into his bedroom late one night carrying a goat under his arm. His wife wakes up and starts bitching at him for being out late again. ""Look here""says the farmer, ""this is the pig I've been sleeping with."" His wife yells back at him ""you drunk bastard that's not a pig that's a goat."" The farmer replies, ""Yeah was talkin to the goat""" +35826,1,What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay +35827,0,"Are there any Germans in the village? 1971. A Russian grandma is walking along a forest and sees a bearded, dirty partisan with a rifle come out from behind trees - Hey, grandma, are there any Germans in the village? - Germans? Sonny, war ended 20 years ago! - War ended? Shit, I guess I should stop blowing up train tracks ... " +35828,4,"I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, ""man, my sinuses are on fire"". ""i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?"" he asked I said, ""no, it's a metaphor""." +35829,0,"When it comes to riches... I'm a grower, not a shower." +35830,5,"Satan appears to a lawyer... ...and says to him, ""I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."" The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, ""So, what's the catch"" " +35831,0,What do you call a pop star with big nipples? Areola Grande +35832,2,"Restaurant Productivity Enhancer A man gets seated at a restaurant and accidentally knocks a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table. The man is impressed: ""Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?"" The waiter replies, ""Yes. Management conducted a study which determined that 17.8% of our patrons knock over their spoon during the course of their meal. So management now requires us to carry a spoon as a productivity enhancement measure so we don't have to make so many trips to the kitchen or clean utensils. The patron is duly impressed. During the course of his meal, he notices that all the waiters have strings coming out of their front pants zippers. He calls over his waiter. ""I couldn't help but notice the string coming out of yours and the other waiter's zippers..."" ""Ah, yes,"" the waiter replies, ""another management productivity device. Every waiter is required to have a string tied to his penis so when we have to urinate, rather than touching ourselves which would make our hands dirty, we use the string to pull it out."" Perplexed, the patron then asks: ""Then how do you, um, 'tuck yourself back in'?"" The waiter replies: ""We use the spoon.""" +35833,1,My stats prof is so romantic... He keeps talking about his Bayes' Theorem +35834,1,Why are Pandas so good at Corporate finance? Coz they are all about P and A +35835,1,"John and Sir each got a horse Sir: John... John: yes, Sir? Sir: How the world will i tell them apart? J: Well, Sir... S: Maybe if i do this *cuts John's horse's tail*... Yes, much better! J:... But, Sir! S: Do not disturb me, i... J:... But that is my horse, Sir! S: Darn it, now I have to do it again. *cuts his horse's tail* S: No, now they are alike! *proceeds to cut John's horse's ears* J: Sir, you did it again! This is my horse, *that one* is yours S: Are you sure, John? J: Yes, Sir. The Black one is yours and the Red one is mine... " +35836,1,What does a modern-day witch ride ? A vroomstick +35837,3,Why did the robot see a psychiatrist? Because he had metal health problems... +35838,0,A good IT team is just like keeping up on your vaccinations. It causes autism. +35839,7,I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first. Sadly he beat me to death. +35840,1,I'm trying to talk to a Nintendo fanboy But he's not listening to Mii +35841,3,What do we say to the God of Death? Would you like Freys with that? +35842,0,Why is Rose sad? Because there is no Jack in iPhone 7. +35843,2,What do you call a balding aeroplane? A receding airline. +35844,1,C3PO is trying to get Nitrous Oxide for his robot friend. He walks up to a vampire and says 'I want Nos for Ar-Too'. +35845,0,I was about to do my thai girlfriend.... When I realized that I forgot my condoms in the car. But we still did it because she had a vasectomy last week. +35846,2,What's the difference between America and yogurt? One has culture. +35847,1,What's a Trekkie's favorite month? Spocktober +35848,0,How do you track Will Smith in the snow? Follow the Fresh Prince. +35849,0,Yur mom is so fat When she blow her nose chicken nuggets come out. +35850,0,"I heard one in three men are gay I hope it's Mark, he's got a really cute butt" +35851,0,What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your apple? Finding out you have cancer. +35852,0,"FUN AT THE PARK Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching." +35853,0,What did Joab say to David as he was being chased by Philistines I need support! Deuteronomy +35854,0,Why is there 2 d's in 'Reddit'? +35855,1,"When I was younger my father was a math professor... One day I asked him what the average professor was like. He replied, ""there is no average professors, but I know a lot of mean ones!""" +35856,4,"A Bridge to Hawaii A man is cleaning out his garage and comes upon an old lamp. He figures what the heck, takes the lamp, rubs it off, and sure enough a Genie pops out. “Thank you for awakening me. I will grant you one wish.” The man inquires “anything I want?"" “Yes, anything” says the Genie. The man says “I’m afraid of flying but I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii. I’d like you to build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive there and visit.” “A bridge to Hawaii?!” the Genie replies, “That’s a really tough request. The water is up to a mile deep, the swells in that part of the Pacific sometimes reach 25 feet. The bridge would have to be thousands of miles long. The amount of concrete and steel to accomplish that feat will have to come from somewhere, it will be nearly impossible. Can I implore you to think of a different wish?” The man thinks for a bit. “OK then, I’ve always had trouble with women. Please grant me the ability to understand women.” The Genie responds “so how many lanes you want on that bridge?”" +35857,3,Why is the dyslexic afraid of Christmas? Because that's when Satan comes. +35858,2,Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired. PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original. +35859,1,What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS? The man who gave it to him. Via shared needles. +35860,0,Faces in the mirror... ..Are more disappointing than they appear +35861,1,"Some people just have a way with words Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way." +35862,1,What do you call a landmass that looks like a cock? A penis-ula. I'll show myself out. +35863,0,What do hairdressers do? They curl up and dye. +35864,1,"Our Top Story Today... Convicted hitman, Jimmy ""Two Shoes"" McClardy, confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack. (from Colin Mocherie)" +35865,2,I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy. She laughed. +35866,3,Those Zelda games... ...really Link together +35867,3,I made up a new word plagiarism +35868,0,What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log. +35869,0,Want to hear a dirty joke? I fell in the mud Want to hear a clean joke? I had a bath with bubbles! :D Want to hear another dirty joke? Bubbles is an escort +35870,2,What is St. Paul's favorite snack? Minneapples +35871,5,"After telling his wife he was working late at the office ...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife? Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. ""Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, ""That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!""" +35872,5,"Little Johnny was made fun of... Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, ""Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"" Johnny grins and says, ""Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"" " +35873,1,Albert Einstein was so smart that he created his brother with science. He named him Frank Frank Einstein +35874,1,How can tell if there's an Italian at the cockfight? He brings the duck How can you tell if there's a Sicilian at the cockfight? He bets on the duck How can you tell if the Mafia is at the cockfight? The duck wins +35875,1,What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!! +35876,3,"I'm starving I haven't eaten anything all year. Edit: I legit haven't eaten anything, send help." +35877,1,There is one positive thing about a group of horses going to the glue factory... they'll really stick together. +35878,1,"If you trust no one today, then today is not a good day to visit a doctor. Dr: ""You're going to need a heart transplant immediately."" Patient: ""No, no, no. You're not getting me this time."" Dr: ""This is serious! You will die if you don't receive one! Fortunately, we just got one this morning. I'll have my-"" Patient: ""Nuh uh. You're not getting me. I don't care what you say. I will not be the April fool."" Dr: ""Mr. Smith! IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE THIS HEART, YOU WILL DIE! My profession does not have the luxury to fool with patients when people's lives are on the line!"" Patient: ""..."" Patient: ""..."" Patient: ""... fine! I'll take it. But I swear if I don't need a heart-"" Dr: ""April fools!"" Patient: ""GODDAMNIT! I knew it! Screw you!"" Patient: \\*Glares angrily\\* Dr: \\^_\\^ Patient: ""Well, at least I don't need a heart transplant."" Dr: ""Oh no, you still do. The trick is that we didn't receive one this morning.""" +35879,1,"What did the cow say to the dog lying in it's path? Moo-ve bitch, get out the way" +35880,4,I'm training to be a sniper in the Communist Revolutionary Forces... ... I'll be the designated Marxman! +35881,3,"American Ginny Thrasher won gold in the Olympic shooting contest. When asked where she learned her skills ""in school"" she replied. " +35882,6,"There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff... When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’ The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’ The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back ‘WELL I BROUGHT MY OWN FUCKING ORANGES!’ " +35883,1,I once worked as a security guard for a Samsung shop.. I guess you could say I was the guardian of the galaxy.. +35884,1,"I told my dad I was going to take him to court for sexual assault... Because everytime I use his cheap toilet paper in the bathroom, my finger goes right through it." +35885,4,The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore. +35886,4,If a parsley farmer is sued... can they garnish his wages? +35887,3,"Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too? Because he's a black Smith." +35888,2,"I wrote a song about a tortilla... Actually, it was more of a wrap. " +35889,0,"Yo mah name's Dolly I told my boss on the 30th, ""Its pay Dolly day!"" My Boss said ""Tomorrow is Pay Dolly Day"" I was like.. so you mean tomorrow is paid holiday? ​ ​ copyright: docPBJ007 Joke Book Collection 3rd Edition, 2019. " +35890,5,"A man and his wife are getting ready for a date She asked her husband “Does my ass look big in this dress?” He replies “Honey, I’ll be completely honest with you, but you have to promise to not be angry no matter how I respond.” “I promise baby, I won’t be angry if you’re honest.” “I fucked your sister.” " +35891,0,"Welcome to Jamaica A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, ""That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?"" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads ""Wendy."" When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with ""Wy"" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, ""Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'""" +35892,1,"A joke from my five year angel of a girl: what did the people say to the people? *Do you want to kill each other because we're friends?* Happy humanity everyone, it was a nice ride. Edit: old. She has not been an angel for five years." +35893,0,Whats the difference between masturbating and an egg? You can beat an egg. +35894,3,"A woman visits the doctor She has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: ""Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers."" She replies: ""Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"" To which he responds: ""No, you've got bowel cancer.""" +35895,2,I'm considering a career in organized crime. Which is best : Government or Private Sector ? +35896,5,How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized. +35897,0,"A strict teacher gives a timed test... At the end of the test, he says ""Time's up, pencils down. Bring the tests to my desk and you can leave."" ""...except you."", pointing to a student, ""I see you still writing. I'll talk with you once the others have left."" Once the students have left, the teacher turns to the student, and the student says ""Do you have any idea who I am!?"" ""No, and I don't care, yo-"" ""Good."" says the student, as he grabs half the tests, sticks his in the middle of the pile, and walks out." +35898,5,You know why being drunk is gay? Because you can't think straight. +35899,3,One of my favorite memories from high school was being an underclassmen and beating up seniors... I really miss those summers volunteering at the old folks home +35900,0,Do you want to hear the shortest joke in the world? After they say yes ask. Do you want to hear it again? +35901,2,A vegan club is the worst place for social activity. It's impossible to meat people there. +35902,2,My friend and I were a donkey for Halloween... We just half-assed our costumes. +35903,1,"[long]I am a lesbian too So Ahmed from Saudi Arabia travels to Texas and ends up in a bar. He is surprised with everything and how women are having fun. He spots a gorgeous woman sitting alone and approaches her. Sensing his intention, she, trying to the crap, and says ""sorry.i'm a lesbian"". Ahmed says "" I'm sorry, my English is not good. What does it mean?"". She responds with ""It's simple: I think about women all the time and love having sex with them and I don't enjoy thinking about having sex with men. "" Ahmed says ""Interesting.. I am a lesbian too."" " +35904,0,"whole joke inside An arab walks in to a gay bar. The bar tender asks ""What are you havin?"" ""Shots for everyone!""" +35905,5,"“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked. “Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” I said. “Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.”" +35906,0,Why did Elon musk put his car on a rocket to Mars? To free up space. +35907,2,What is brown and sticky? A stick. +35908,2,Statistically speaking 9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke. +35909,1,Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff ... ba dum tsss +35910,2,What do you call a Taco Bell merged with a Weinerschnitzel? A beanerschnitzel. I’m so sorry... +35911,0,"I am dyslexic....and a virgin. But one day, I finally gathered the courage to tell my friend to come and grab some food. I told her to come and grab some food- on me. ​ But she actually brought some food and just had dinner with me, thanking me for saying the food's on me. " +35912,1,How does a guy tell his girl he ejaculated too soon? Quick cummunication. +35913,0,For us old timers: What happens when you spike bum wines with laxatives? Thunderbirds are go! +35914,0,Did you hear about the guy who made mufflers? He was exhausted and decided to retire. +35915,2,Courtesy of my 9yo: What do you call a snake that tells jokes? A riddle snake. +35916,2,"There is a mix up in the hospital, ..,nurses forgot to label three newborns. Their fathers, German, Russian and Jewish guys trying to figure out who's child is who's. German dude gets an idea, he comes to the newborns and yell "" Heil Hitler"" one of the kids throws his right hand up in a salute. German guy grabs the kid and leaves. Russian guy comes to one of the kids and picks him up claiming him his. Jewish father asks ""but how do you know it is yours?"" Russian father answers ""When German yelled Heil Hitler, yours shat himself and this one I am holding clenched his fists"" " +35917,0,What do you call a fat motivational speaker? A Sphere of Influence. +35918,2,"I had a checkup at the doctor's today She shone the light in my eyes, listened to my breathing then stopped and looked at me gravely and said, ""Bob, you need to stop masturbating."" I says ""What, why?"" ""Because I'm examining you right now.""" +35919,1,TIL: Hitler never had a driving license No wonder he couldn't end a race +35920,1,I found out i have 5 minutes to live broadcasting +35921,1,Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed. +35922,3,"Two guys at a bar, one says ""My wife drives me to drink."" The other says ""You're lucky, my wife makes me walk.""" +35923,2,What did Jared from Subway get in his court sentence? Free foot-longs for life. +35924,5,"Choose a new password: potato Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters. boiled potato Sorry, password must contain at least one number. 1 boiled potato Sorry, password cannot contain spaces 50fuckingboiledpotatoes Sorry, password must contain capital letters. 50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive. IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, password must not contain punctuation. NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :" +35925,0,Why couldn’t the bike stand up? Because it was two-tyred! +35926,1,A world without women..... Would be a pain in the ass +35927,0,It would be funny if... ...this got to the front page for no reason +35928,1,"My dad said, always leave them wanting more Ironically, that's how he lost his job in disaster relief " +35929,4,"Black people shoot each other in the streets White people shoot each other in school, because we got class" +35930,0,I guess Bill Cosby found the key to happiness... A Flat Minor. +35931,3,My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable. It’s an autobiography. +35932,0,Have you heard the story of 2? It’s quite the inspirational one. They finally came out as non-binary. +35933,1,"I'm filming a documentary about high-stakes competitive beekeeping I'm thinking about calling it ""Game of Drones.""" +35934,0,"I get my women how I get my coffee Bitter, overpriced, and disappointing." +35935,2,What's something a good scientist or a bad pet owner would say? I'll be in my lab +35936,4,What do you call a baker with red hair? A gingerbread man. +35937,2,"Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives. One day Tom says to Joe, ""If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven."" Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing. About a week later Tom dies. One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name. Scared, he asks, ""Who's there?"" Suddenly Tom appears and says, ""Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"" Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, ""What's the bad news?"" Tom looks at him grimly and says, ""I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow.""" +35938,3,Why do women have orgasms? So they have something else to moan about. +35939,1,[DARK HUMOR] What's the difference between a door and a 9 year old? The way you go in. +35940,2,Why are circles so versatile? They are well rounded. +35941,0,What did the confused man say when he saw those weird water shoes with a hole for every toe? WAAAATTTEEERRRTOOOOEEEES? +35942,0,I found out at twelve my older brother was an alcoholic... I then had to find a different pub to drink at +35943,0,What do you call a black man in a suit? The defendant. +35944,2,I went to a Rape Support group the other day Turns it it was just for the victims +35945,2,(My grandfather told me this) Two solider Two solider just walking on the street. They are very hungry and nothing to eat. They saw a dead body with a big belly. They say he must have eaten something. They argue a lot and finally decide to cut up his belly with a knife. Its full of delicious pasta. One of the solider starts to eat it while the other one just watching him. When he finishes the other one says that he is a bastard and very pathietic. The solider starts to feel bad about what he did and throw up. The other solider eats it up. What the hell ar you doing? Says the solider. Oh didnt i mentioned it? I like it hot. (Sorry for bad english its a hungaryan joke and it was hard to translate) +35946,1,What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid to have a lentil on my face. +35947,3,what do you call nonconcensual ogre sex? Shreksual harassment +35948,1,"THE POPE AND A ATTORNEY ARE AT THE ELEVATOR The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them. When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, ""Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer.""" +35949,1,I once met Bruce Willis I once met Bruce Willis at a fancy dress party. He was wearing a really shabby looking nun outfit. I was told that he'd worn the same costume to every fancy dress party he'd attended for years. I suppose old habits die hard. +35950,0,If at first you don't succeed Maybe skydiving isn't for you. +35951,1,What's the hardest thing about growing up Christian in Alabama? You don't know which father is going to give it to you first. +35952,2,"You've heard of ""boy who cried wolf"", but what about ""man who cried pig""? I heard the rest of the blind date was pretty awkward! " +35953,0,"8th anniversary Our 8th anniversary was approaching and my wife pointed out that it was the bronze anniversary. She suggested that we both get something for each other that fit this theme, but not something dumb. She said she'd like me to put a lot of thought into it. I replied, ""So you want the brains and the bronze?""" +35954,3,What Language Does a Mailman Speak? Parcel-tongue +35955,1,Why does the ocean smell bad? Because the seaweed +35956,1,Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For Hispanic attacks +35957,4,What's the difference between Saint Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Paddy's. Edit- Paddy's not patty's +35958,1,"A man gets into a taxi and is surprised to see that his driver is wearing a Darth Vader costume. The man decides not to make a scene, and the driver, in a normal voice, asks ""Where to?"" The man gives the driver the address of his house, and Darth starts making his way there. The quickest route involves going on the highway, so Darth finds an entrance. As he pulls on, he happens to glance at the time. ""Fuck, it's this late already? I'm going to miss my court date!"" Darth speeds up way past the speed limit, weaving and dodging around other cars. The man is too scared to say anything, and lets Darth drive unsafely. After a few minutes of this, Darth has miraculously not crashed, and they reach the address in record time. As they finally slow down as the driver pulls up to the house, the man snaps out of it and gets out of the car in a huff. Darth rolls down his window, and yells at the man that he didn't pay the fare. ""Why should I?"" asks the man. ""You almost killed me back there! I can see why you have a date in court, with your reckless driving."" ""What? No, that's not what its about at all!"" whines Darth. ""Well, then what is it about?"" inquires the man. ""Isn't it obvious?"" smirks Darth. ""I'm a taxi-Vader.""" +35959,2,"I left my job. Couldn't work for my boss after what he said... ""You're fired.""" +35960,0,How man Jews can you fit in a Mercedes? A few thousand. They all fit in the ashtray +35961,0,"Help! My girlfriend left me... ...because i was insecure and paranoid. Edit: Never mind, she just went to get the mail." +35962,0,"I was in this big warehouse,and smelled something really bad,and I yelled "" Who cut the cheese!!"",and all the workers pointed to a really, really beautiful girl, on my very first trip Alkmaar." +35963,1,How do you know you’re at a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shit! -Gilbert Gottfried +35964,4,What do you call a man that tells dad jokes but doesn’t have children? A faux-pa +35965,1,"A physicist goes into an ice-cream parlour every week He always orders an ice cream sundae and offers one to the empty stool next to him. One day the owner of the shop asks the physicist, ""Why do you do that?"" The physicist replies, ""Well, quantum mechanics teaches us that there is a chance that the matter above this stool will spontaneously transform into a beautiful woman who will accept my offer of an ice cream and fall in love with me."" The owner says, ""We have beautiful women come in here all the time. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe she'll fall in love with you."" And the physicist replies, ""Yeah, right! What are the odds of THAT happening?""" +35966,4,So I started a new band. We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs. We're called Debt Metal. +35967,4,I made a gun in the style of a social justice warrior It has too many triggers though. +35968,2,How does Santa count his girls Ho ho ho +35969,0,What do you call an undercover cop? Turkey bacon +35970,0,The chemist went into the cave. The Berkelium. (Bear kill him) +35971,1,What did the bodybuilder say when he ran out of protein powder? No whey! +35972,4,"A man hears a knock on the door A man hears a soft thud on the back door to his house and wonders what the hell it is. He goes to the door and there’s a snail sitting there, looking up at him The snail then opens its mouth and says: “Excuse me mate, you wouldn’t happen to have...” The man, terrified, kicks the snail as hard as he can and watches it sail through the air to the back of his section. He goes back inside and can’t believe what’s just happened. Two years later he opens the back door of his house and finds the same snail is there. He stops dead in his tracks, while the snail looks at him and says “What the fuck did you do that for?!?!?”" +35973,0,Can May-December relationship last? Apparently in UK it does. +35974,7,"A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar: ""What the heck."" He says to himself. ""I really want a drink."" When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. ""What’s the name of your willy?"" The cowboy says. ""Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."" ""The gay waiter says. ""I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. ""Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"" The man looks back and says with a smile, ""TIMEX."" The thirsty cowboy asks. ""Why Timex?"" The fella proudly replies. ""‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says..... ""So, what do you guys call yours?"" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. ""FORD, because Quality is Job One."" Then he adds. ""Have you driven a Ford lately?"" The guy next to him then says. ""I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!"" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, ""The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."" The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. ""Why Secret?"" The cowboy says. ""Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!""" +35975,0,What did the blonde's left thigh say to the right thigh? Hi. I don't believe we've met. +35976,0,"Paddy beats his wife So Paddy is in front of the judge for beating his wife. The judge says 'For God's sake Paddy, this is the third time! Why do you keep beating your wife!?' 'Well your Honour, I think it's my reach advantage and my fancy footwork'." +35977,4,"A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck." +35978,1,What unit do spies stay in at the hospital? The I.C.U +35979,1,"A man and his Harley. A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain. A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!!! By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, ""Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."" " +35980,0,"3 People go to heaven At the gate god explains that based on the amount of sins you commited in your life you get a vehicle. Person 1 who was a good man who always put family and the church first got a Bugatti Veyron. Person 2 was also a good man even though he never visited the church and commited some minor sins got a Porsche Panamera. The third guy commited a lot of sins throughout bis lifetime so he got an VW mini. One day the 3 guys who became good friends in heaven decided to have a race. The Person in the Bugatti finished first closely followed by the guy in the Porsche but the guy in the VW just didnt come even after waiting for more than half an hour. The two guys decided to look for him and after some time they found him in his crashed car on the side of the road laughing his ass off. They asked him what happend and he answered with tears in his eyes: ""You guys wont believe this. I just saw the Pope driving by on a tricycle.""" +35981,0,Johnny as his mum where are you when Bill Gate was single? Mum Answered: 'the same place you where now while Obama's Daughter is still single' +35982,2,George Lucas announced that he'd like to make several changes to The Phantom Menace. But I say let's let Qui-gons be Qui-gons. +35983,1,What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats +35984,0,What's Satan's favorite holiday? Helloween +35985,5,What is 6.9 A good thing ruined by a period. +35986,0,"A woman walks into the store to buy milk and eggs... When she checks out, the cashier looks at her and asks, ""Hey are you single?"" ""Um... yes,"" says the woman, puzzled. ""But how did you know? Was it the milk...?"" ""No, it's because you're ugly.""" +35987,1,What's Fozzy Bear's favorite city? Mil-wocka-wocka-waukee +35988,1,What number is also a sport? Ten is. +35989,0,"An Italian is participating in a secret military mission. The mission participants have codenames for allies of the mission, e.g. Ally A, Ally B, Ally F, etc. Ally Q stands out from them, as they are especially helpful to the mission. The Italian comes home after a particularly long day at work. His wife, fully aware of the mission, approaches him and asks him, ""Well, is Ally B any good? The Italian responds, ""No, just Ally Q.""" +35990,1,Proper finger placement on a keyboard... ... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage. +35991,0,"A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender ""one for me and one for the road""." +35992,1,"A teenage boy is preparing for the prom. He's a procrastinator which irritates his mother to no end. After pestering him for days she eventually convinces him to go get a tux. To his dismay, the tux shop is packed with like-minded procrastinators so there's a huge line and it takes forever. Finally arriving home he proudly proclaims to his mother that he's ready for the prom, to which she replies, ""You got flowers too?"" He gives his mom an exasperated look and heads back out to get flowers. Again, the florist is packed with procrastinators, so there's a huge line and it takes forever. He makes it home again and walks in without saying a word. Afraid that her son will make a bad impression with his lack of interest, she proclaims, ""We're going to get you a limo too! The boy drops his jaw, dreading to spend one more second in a line, he begs his mother to leave him alone. Nevertheless, she drags him out to go reserve a limo. His worst fears are realized as he notices a line out the door at the rental office as they drive up. They stand in line for what seemed like an eternity. Finally content, the mother drives home with a big smile, proud of the young man sitting next to her. ""So, who's the lucky girl?"" She asks. The boy gives her a puzzled look, ""What girl?""" +35993,1,What do you call the US with only one state? Liberia. +35994,1,What do you call Canadian police? Maple Bacon +35995,0,How are Texans greeting Trump? Howdy Pardoner! +35996,2,(Dark Humor) What did the handless guy get for Christmas? Its still a mystery cause he hasn't opened his present yet. +35997,1,Why can't animals ever have an olympics? Because there's always a cheetah +35998,0,Why did the owner of the mansion put the floors of the mansion on Tinder? He wanted them to be swept right!!! +35999,0,"Seems like every day, there's another scandal. I've always wanted to live in a gated community." +36000,0,my in-depth explanation of 9/11 it's roughly 0.82 +36001,0,Just found my new favorite dinosaur Eatalotopuss (credit to Gordo from 1310 the ticket) +36002,1,"When my friend decided to become a Postman, I said ""That's great... You're really pushing the envelope""" +36003,1,"Merry Mishmash from old Europe [long] [Jewish humor saga] Two woebegone talmudic students came to their rabbi and made a shamefaced confession. ""Rabbi, we've committed a sin."" ""A sin> What kind of a sin?"" ""We looked with lust upon a woman."" ""May God forgive you!"" cried the holy man. ""That is indeed a serious transgression."" ""Rabbi,"" said the students, humbly, ""what can we do to atone?"" ""Well, if you sincerely seek penance, I order you to put peas into your shoes and walk about that way for ten days. Perhaps that will teach you not to sin again."" The two young men went home and did as the rabbi had ordered them. A few days later the penitents met on the street. One was hobbling painfully, but the other walked easily, his manner calm and contented. ""Is this the way to obey the rabbi?"" asked the first student reproachfully: ""I see you ignored his injunction to put peas into your shoes."" ""I didn't ignore him at all,"" said the other cheerfully, ""I just cooked them first.""" +36004,1,I've given up on cooking. It always starts off well. Then it just turns to shit. +36005,0,What do you call the longest side of a suicidal right-angled triangle? The hypotenoose. +36006,3,"There are two types of people in the world Those who need answers," +36007,0,You’ll never see me traveling by air It’s just too plane for me +36008,0,What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll +36009,1,You know that joke about vampires? It never gets old. +36010,1,If I had a time machine... I'd go back in time and post this joke as soon as r/Jokes was created. +36011,1,"A man asks a bartender, what time do you close? My girlfriend's trying to come... Bartender: Aren't they all?" +36012,1,"Yesterday I got 3 IPhone Xs, two MacBooks and a pair of earpods all for $5 I got a great deal on that crowbar." +36013,0,Do you know what Hamsik (Marek Hamsik) says when his coach calls him? You should go see a doctor. P.S. Marek Hamsik is a football player +36014,1,I went to a dog rescue center last night Or as it's better known around here a singles bar +36015,0,"Arsenal found in man's basement! How he fit a regulation pitch down there, we still don't know. " +36016,1,"Best way to ignore someone? Ironically, a cell phone.." +36017,1,I hate binary... every single bit of it. +36018,4,Just recently sold all my dead batteries free of charge +36019,2,"How is broccoli similar to anal sex? If you were forced to have it as a child, you're not gonna like it as an adult." +36020,1,Why are satanists vegetarian? Because they worship seitan. +36021,10,Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side. +36022,1,"My father joined a gang after being diagnosed with cancer... You know what they say, ill recognize ill" +36023,2,You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can. +36024,2,"Thirteen, fourteen.... Epstein" +36025,0,Learn from your parents mistakes Be an autodidact. +36026,1,"Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help. They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying to save whatever dignity I had, I yelled at them ""YOU SAID YOU GUYS DO IT TOO..."" One of them yelled back ""Yeah, but none of us fuck the ugly one""...." +36027,3,"It’s probably not safe for me to drive my car right now. But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before." +36028,1,"Knock, knock. ""Who's there?"" ""Interrupting Alzheimer's Patient."" ""Interrupting Alzheimer's Pa-"" ""Knock, knock.""" +36029,3,How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny? I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday +36030,1,What did the beer say to his friend? I'm so hoppy to see you! +36031,1,"According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror." +36032,2,"A magician was working on a cruise ship Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, ""Look, it's not the same hat!"" or, ""Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"" Or ""Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... ""Okay, I give up. Where's the freaking ship??" +36033,1,it all The title says it all. +36034,3,I used to be a roofer.... back when I was shingle. +36035,5,"The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman? -Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you" +36036,0,"A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. (Read on) Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case. The case was closed. So the man opened it to check. It was full of underwear. It really was a brief case. A brief, open and shut case." +36037,1,"I decided to treat my girlfriend. ""Since I know how much you like One Direction,"" I assured her, ""I thought you might like to see them."" ""Oh my goodness!"" she squealed, ""Did you get me tickets to their concert??!?!?"" ""No, but they are on that poster over there....."" I added." +36038,1,"I named my dog Syndrome So every time he jumps on people I can shout: ""Down Syndrome!""" +36039,5,"Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome? Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker. " +36040,2,My mother handed me a really old dildo She said it's been in the family for generations. +36041,0,What do midwives and postmen have in common? They should both back away if they hear growling comming from inside. +36042,2,"I spent yesterday afternoon making a belt out of watches, It was a complete waist of time" +36043,2,Why do mathematicians make horrible robbers? They always leave all the proofs. +36044,2,The moment the Washington Nationals won the World Series Was absolutely briceless. +36045,1,"If everyone is a child of God... ...then Jesus isn't all that special, really. It's a joke. Please don't be offended." +36046,1,*Tips fedora to crashing plane* M'day +36047,1,"[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn. 'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.' 'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?' 'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?' 'Yes, Senor, that's the one.' 'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?' 'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.' 'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?' 'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.' 'Dead horse? What dead horse?' 'The thoroughbred, Senor George.' 'My favorite thoroughbred is dead?' 'Yes Senor George, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.' 'What are you talking about? What water cart?' 'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.' 'My God! What do you mean fire? Where?' 'At your house, Senor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.' 'What the hell! Are you telling me that my eight million dollar mansion has been destroyed because of a candle?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so, Senor George.' 'But i don't understand, there's electricity at the house, so what's the candle for?' 'For the funeral, Senor George.' 'What goddamn funeral?' 'Your wife's, Senor George. She showed up unexpectedly one night and i thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods one iron.' There was a lengthy silence. 'Roberto, if you broke that golf club, you're in real trouble...'" +36048,0,What's the most common name for a male cross dresser? Tucker +36049,2,How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. +36050,0,What do feline submarines have? Purriscopes. +36051,5,"Two friends are driving along the road When they see a goat with its head stuck in a fence. They pull over, and the driver gets out, goes over to goat pulls down his pants and fucks the goat. When he is done he gets back in the car and the passenger turns to him and says ""you know, that actually looks like a lot of fun."" The drive tells him to go give it a shot. So the passenger gets out, walks over to the goat and sticks his head in the fence." +36052,2,"A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance When he makes it over, a robber steps out and points a gun at him. The man says, ""whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"" The robber grunts and says, ""This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!""" +36053,1,Being a helicopter pilot is a crazy job It has it's ups and downs +36054,0,What does China produce more of? They produce more Chinese than any other country on earth. +36055,0,"A Chinese guy recently moved to the states and found a job. After working for a month he gets sick one day and has to call in to tell his boss. Unfortunately, he is still not the best at English, so he tells him, ""Me sick boss. Can't work today."" His boss tells him, ""When I'm sick, I usually go fuck my wife and then I feel better. You should try that."" About 2 hours later the Chinese guy calls the boss up again and tells him, ""Me feel better. I take your advice. You have nice house.""" +36056,0,"How Many Hillary Supporters Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? Why NONE of course, they prefer to remain in the dark!" +36057,3,What’s the difference between a dick and a Ferrari? I’d only have to get plowed by a Ferrari once to pay off my student loans. +36058,1,Why did the baby cross the road? Cuz it was stapled to the chicken. +36059,1,I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM It's just that the sticks are sodimm. +36060,4,"It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets. The real joke is in the comets" +36061,6,To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word. +36062,2,"An old married couple... An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides" +36063,4,Wife and I taking a shower Wife: I want you to do bad things to me. Me: +36064,2,What's Hillary Clinton's favorite pizza place? Little Seizures. +36065,1,What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme +36066,0,"What do you get when you cross Justin Bieber with a horse and an octopus? A lot screaming, followed by an abomination and ultimately about 30k upvotes." +36067,1,"Three older women were sitting on a park bench. One groaned. The one sitting next to her sighed. The third one looked at both of them and said, ""I thought we weren't going to talk about the children.""" +36068,3,I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now! +36069,1,What do you call it when you drop a steak? Ground beef! +36070,1,One time there was an Irishman who got so drunk He kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel +36071,2,"I translated an Ewokese joke into English An Ewok marches into a cantina and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a Jawa Juice and …… Bantha milk.” The bartender says, “Sure thing—but why the little pause?” “Not sure,” says the Ewok. “I’ve had them all my life.” *Yub Nub!* " +36072,2,Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. +36073,7,"If someone tries to shoot the President... The Secret Service will have to yell ""Donald duck!""" +36074,1,what did the redditor say to the retiring Ugandan Parliament member after he cast his final ballot? take your U.P. vote and get out lol +36075,1,"A neighbor comes to Mr Myer A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!” Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?” “Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”" +36076,0,"What is the difference between a vegetarian and a cannibal? One eats vegetables, the other eats vegetables. " +36077,1,Trump Hired Bill Clinton's Impeachment lawyer! Just made me laugh more than many jokes i found here +36078,0,"Royally Screwed So I was watching this video. It was talking about this kingdom, I don't remember which, that was having problems with STDs. Especially the princes and princesses. I guess one day the king made it a law of his kingdom that there would be no sex until marriage. His advisors were calling it the clean heir act." +36079,0,Did you hear about the imposter barber shop quartet member... ... with a sore throat who was in circle jerk and came very loudly simultaneously at the end with everyone? Cacophony (cock-cough-phony) +36080,3,Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’ So much for next day delivery +36081,5,How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course. +36082,2,How do you spot an impotent guy at a nude beach? It’s not hard +36083,0,Why was it so hard to get good pictures of the eclipse? Because mooning is considered indecent exposure. +36084,1,Why are chemists bad at playing pranks? They lack the element of surprise!!! +36085,1,A ghost walks into a bar Boos please. +36086,0,Two chili peppers were sailing a boat in the ocean. What did one say to the other when they hit a iceberg and started to sink? We’re capsaicin! +36087,0,What do you call a devolved transformer? Optimus Primate. +36088,0,Why is my reddit feed looking like a gold diggers Tinder? I would like to filter internet traffic from these posts or have to pay extra for them... +36089,0,"My dad told me My dad told me.... Sometimes you gotta suck a dick, to know you don't like sucking dick. " +36090,0,How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just 1 but the light bulb has to want to change +36091,0,"(funny Jokes) Jimmy Aleck: Not Answering That Now that I'm married, I'm being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, 'Do you think I'm fat?' I said, 'Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see ""stupid jackass"" written on my face? Do you see ""let's have a fight for no apparent reason"" written on my face somewhere?'" +36092,0,"The little boy who got the candy A little boy who was obviously retarded was attending an elementary school which was not too far from the local high school. This was temporary as he was having problems in school and his mother hoped his grandmother would be more luck. So he attends the first day of school with no problem but he decides to stay after everyone leaves for a project, then afterwards he is walking home from school and he sees the highschool and a lone car in the middle of the football field. Curious, he goes up to the car where he sees a guy and a girl having sex. The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off and landed in the field. Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch. The guy notices the condom is missing and sees the obviously retarded little boy holding it with a huge grin on his face. He says to the little boy ""Hey, Gimme that damn thing back!"" The little boy replies ""No, its my twinkie"" The man again persists ""Give it back now or i'll kick your ass!"" The little boy replies ""But no, its my twinkie"" Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn't bring himself to beat him up so he finally says ""Look kid, if you give it back i'll give you 20 dollars OK?"" quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could. He flings open the door and his grandmother quickly greets him He was so excited about the previous event he Yelled at the top of his lungs, ""Grandma Grandma some guy gave me 20 dollars for a twinkie, even though I sucked all the creme filling out!""" +36093,1,My daughter's favourite What wobbles in the sky? A jellycopter. This was her first and favourite joke when she heard it in kindergarten. +36094,0,"Apparently, 90% of the world is retarded. Good thing I'm part of the other 20%" +36095,0,What's the most common personality in Taipei? Type A +36096,3,"Jesus and Moses walking along the beach... esus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, ""You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again."" He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts. Jesus sees this and says, ""I'm going to try to walk on water again."" He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks. Moses says, ""Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while."" Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks. Jesus comes out of the water and says, ""I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet.""" +36097,0,Got punched in the face by a convertible car the other day ...it's ruthless +36098,1,How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness? He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression. +36099,1,I wonder why they call them cocktail peanuts... “Because I guess (liquor peanuts) isn’t as catchy.” +36100,0,I hate when the toilet takes ages to flush It's just taking the piss. +36101,3,"I just flipped a coin. On one side, it landed. On the other.. it did not." +36102,0,How did the world oldest dwarf live so long? She took lots of short breaks. +36103,0,My mom just tricked me into paying her royalties for the rest of my career I guess I'm royally fucked. +36104,0,Guys: What should you do if you drop your wallet in San Francisco? Kick that shit to Oakland!! +36105,2,"A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility. Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species. Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on? Scientist: Well we started the tests on pumpkins, we infused a large amount of human dna into them and the results were... displeasing. They did form life but it was too barbaric and got itself extinct. Journalist: Ahh how upsetting, what else did you try? Scientist: It became a theory that size of the subject could be a factor, so we tried Apples. Again infusing them with human dna, they turned out to be better than the pumpkins. They were far less barbaric, but acted like herbivore livestock, we liked to compare them to cows. They didn't really do much, they just ate grass and pooped. Journalist: Were there any successful test results? Scientist: Yes actually, we tried the test once more on the smallest subjects we had at our disposal, peas. Infusing the peas with human dna resulted in a brilliance abundance of life. These peas were extremely intelligent, in just a matter of hours they set up a town, overnight they made a nest as enormous and complex as a typical city full of around 100,000 peas. Would you care to see? Journalist: Yes please! This sounds intriguing. *the scientist shows her but she's not impressed * Scientist: Is something wrong?? Journalist: It's cool and all, but I definitely feel like your overexaggerrated the size of your pea nest." +36106,0,Stay depressed. Don't look at the bright side. It was written on the Laser laboratory wall. +36107,0,How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. But around 50 women have to come forward and talk about to their experiences screwing in lightbulbs for me to believe her. +36108,2,They say a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush But a penis in the bush is better than two in the hand any day. +36109,1,"A blonde walks into a store... A blonde walks into a store and informs the clerk she'd like to purchase one of the TVs on sale. The clerk turns to her and says ""Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."" Worried that she would miss out on the great deal, the blonde leaves the store and dyes her hair brown, returning a short time later. She once again informs the clerk that she would like to purchase the TV, and is again told ""Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."" Frustrated, the blonde leaves the store and dyes her hair red. She returns and tells the clerk she'd like to buy the TV, but once more the clerk says ""Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."" Finally the blonde shouts out ""I dyed my hair brown and I dyed my hair red, why won't you sell me that TV??"" The clerk says ""Because we don't sell TVs, that's a microwave.""" +36110,2,What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. +36111,2,I buy all of my guns from a guy named T-rex He's a small arms dealer. +36112,2,"Once, there were three kingdoms by a lake. The first was very rich and powerful, while the second was on a good slope up top. The third was an absolute shitshow, and had nothing to show for itself. One day, the three kingdoms found out that there was a lot of gold and riches deep in the lake, and all of them claimed it. To decide on ownership, they all went to war.The first kingdom sent a 1000 knights and a 1000 squires, while the second sent 500 knights and 500 squires. The third sent an old and weak Knight and an insanely strong squire, who was well reputed all around. By the time the warriors reached the battlefield, night had fallen and they decided to fight at dawn. The knights of the first and second kingdoms drank heartily and slept while the squires were on guard and cleaning duty. The third kingdom couldn't afford drinks, so the squire hung a pot high from a tree with a noose and cooked a meal for himself. Dawn broke, and the knights of the first and second kingdom were insanely wasted. The other Knight had died in the cold. The squires of the first to kingdoms decided the gang up on the super squire and kill him first, but when they fought, he killed them all and then died. Which means that the squire of the high pot n noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides." +36113,9,"A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, ""What are you lining up for, dear?"" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. ""Mmm, sounds lovely,"" said Grandma. ""I think I'll have some myself,"" she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. ""But you're so old... how do you do it?"" Grandma replied, ""Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!""" +36114,2,Remember when you were younger and you'd blow Bubbles? I talked to him at the circus and he said to call him. +36115,3,"Why do gamers say ""get shit on""? Because they rectum" +36116,4,I'm at the beach with my friend. He's a huge prankster. He's just gone way out into the water with some of that red food colouring. Hasn't moved for about ten minutes. Brilliant. +36117,1,"A man sits down at a bar. He sees a jar overflowing with 20$ bills. He takes a few shots and then asks the bartender what all that money is for. The bartender tells him there has been a challenge at the bar that many have tried and none have won. The man takes a few more shots and asks what you have to do to win. The bartender says that he can't say until he puts a twenty in the jar. The man takes a few more shots and puts a twenty in the jar. The bartender states the rules. ""First you have to knock out big Bubba over there."" ""Then you have to go into the back room and pull our rottweiler's bad tooth."" ""Finally you have to make love to Broomhilda over there."" The man gets up and takes Bubba down with a single punch, then he gets into the room with the dog and there is screaming and whimpering and finally yelping. The man comes out of the room and asks ""Where's the lady with the bad tooth?""" +36118,0,What do you get if your mix curry with makeup? Chicken Tikka Mascara (btw yes I know I accidentally out your instead of you) +36119,1,Ron Weasley lives a happy life and dies. But what does he reincarnate as? A neuron +36120,3,"When it comes to women, I'm usually denser than a collapsed star. Sometimes I even achieve singularity." +36121,2,"If run behind the bus you'll get exhausted. But, if you run in front of the bus you'll get tired." +36122,0,My supermodel buddy just said she wants to be friends with benefits. I wonder if she has health or dental? +36123,0,"Some people ask me why I'm not Daoist. I just say, ""It's sorta Laozi.""" +36124,0,An evil mathematician makes a plan to multiply binomials It was FOILed +36125,0,"Courtesy of.. well, my penis. NSFW Life is hard being me. I have an eye I can't see out of, a head I can't think out of. I hang around with two nuts all the time. My next-door neighbor is a real asshole. My best friend is a cunt. I get beat on all the time. I get shoved in warm, damp, dark places constantly. And then to top it all off, every time I get excited, I throw up!" +36126,1,"International relations The United Nations noticed that there was a lot of dissent among its ranks and relationships were strained. The UN leaders called a meeting and came up with a plan to increase morale that was discussed and agreed upon by all members. The plan was to take a representative from three different countries and place them on a deserted island for a year. They asked for volunteers. The representative from Greece stood up and shared how one of their own should be on the island because the Greeks are great at fishing and cooking seafood. Then the German delegate stood up and shared that Germans are great engineers and builders so they should be on the island to build the infrastructure. Finally the Japanese delegate stood and said they are great at moving goods and logistics so there should be someone from Japan on the island. The Greeks volunteered their finest chef who was in charge of all the food. The Germans their best engineer who was in charge of building and maintaing the habitat. The Japanese their top logistics person who was solely in charge of supplies. They were shipped to the island for a year with strict orders to work together. After the year was up the UN assembly sailed out to the island. They first saw a huge house that was meticulously built by the German. They were impressed. Welcoming them inside the home them was a large feast caught and cooked by the Greek. The Japanese representative, however, was nowhere to be found. When they asked the whereabouts of the Japanese representative the Greek and German said he took off into the jungle as soon as they arrived never to be heard from again. The UN immediately sent out a search team. The team was walking down a trail looking for the Japanese representative when all of a sudden he dropped down in front of them out of the tallest tree on the island and shouted ""SUPPLIES!""" +36127,1,"If a man doesn't know the meaning of the word 'stop', he shouldn't even get a job as a bus driver." +36128,0,"What did the priest say after he filled a man full of bullets from his machine gun? ""Beholed""" +36129,1,A bomb instructor was having an argument with his wife Luckily his friend was there to diffuse the situation +36130,1,"Divorce conversations Divorce in 2007: Husband : I take the kids! Wife : No, I take the kids! Divorce in 2027: Husband : You take the kids! Wife: No, you take the kids! " +36131,1,"A Greek, Spaniard and a Portuguese all go into a brothel, who pays? Germany. " +36132,0,What do you call three rabbis in a hot tub? A jewcuzzi +36133,0,"What has 100 eyes, 100 arms and 16 teeth? Front row at a Willie Nelson concert." +36134,0,I like my steak like I like my sex.. Rare +36135,0,What did the O say to the Q? Mate do you have no shame? What do you mean? the Q replies Your dick's hanging out. +36136,0,"Two racist women were fighting on a subway.... the other woman said ""Go suck a big black albino dick""." +36137,1,I sexually identify as a counter strike. I find this globally offensive. +36138,1,"What's the worst thing about being in an incestuous relationship with your own father? Every time you say to him ""I'm horny"" he always replies ""Hi, horny, I'm dad""." +36139,3,"(NSFW) A grandfather and his 16 year old grandson are on a fishing trip... The grandfather opens a beer and starts drinking. The grandson asks the grandfather ""can I get a sip of that?"" The grandfather then asks ""can your dick reach your ass?"" ""No wtf?"" the grandson replies. ""I'm sorry but then you're not man enough to have a beer"" says the grandfather. Later that day the grandfather lights up a cigar ands starts puffing away. The grandson asks ""can I have a pull?"" The grandfather asks again ""can your dick reach your ass?"" The kid sighs and responds ""no"". Grandfather laughs and says ""well then you can't have any"" The next day they are watching TV in the living room. The grandfather notices that the grandson is eating a bag of chips and asks ""can I have some?"" The grandson replies ""can your dick reach your ass?"" The grandfather smiles and says ""yes it can"" the grandson says ""then you can go fuck yourself, these are mine.""" +36140,2,"A Newfie is walking home kicking old bottles, when a genie pops out of one. ""I can grant you three wishes,"" says the genie, ""so choose wisely."" The Newfie says ""Give me a beer that’ll never run out."" A bottle appears in the Newfie’s hand and he downs it, but when we pulls it away from his mouth it’s still full. The happy Newfie continues walking home. The genie says ""Hey, you still have two wishes left!"" ""Oh,"" says the Newfie, ""gimme two more of these then!""" +36141,7,"A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, ""No butter for one week!"" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, ""No honey for one week!"" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, ""Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?""" +36142,2,What are the two aspects of a joke? Command C and Command V +36143,0,"A Viking is about to return home from a raid... The Viking knows he must pick up a souvenir for his wife, as he does on every raid. Feeling bad about the recent accident that cost her sight he decides to find her something for their longhouse. Searching for the perfect washing basin he comes up empty until he stumbles across an old builders yard. Returning home triumphant he presents his gift to his beloved. She is made up and exclaims how much she loves the new basin. Which just goes to show... A hod is as good as a sink to a blind Norse. " +36144,2,Cannibals have to be careful with hippies. Because the steaks are high. +36145,1,What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me! +36146,6,"After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, ""Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant. He replied, ""Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!""" +36147,1,"Did you all hear the joke about the premature baby? Never mind, it’s too soon" +36148,1,"So, a girl was giving me a handjob... and I told her to stop because she was rubbing me the wrong way." +36149,0,"Suicide bombers are true magicians Not only do they disappear after the poof, they even take some of the audience members. " +36150,0,"A lone crow stands surrounded by scarecrows, but he is not afraid. He calls for his friends, as they don’t call it a murder for nothing." +36151,0,"A fight breaks out at a vineyard party and an acorn punches a strawberry in the face! Strawberry: I'll Berry you alive acorn! Orange: Strawberry, hold on! I'll orange an ambulance! Banana: Guys I''m not peeling very well! Apple: Acorn! Just so you know; I'm Appled by your actions today! Pear: Guys! get it together! you are ridiculing yourselves in front of our pears! Durian: If you are so embarrassed! Where were you durian the fight broke out? Acorn: Strawberry! I'm sorry that I hit you. But Acorn believe it that you are making a big scene out of it! Watermelon: I seed Acorn is the only reasonable one here! But still ! Acorn! Are you NUTS?? stop talking and get strawberry to a hospital. Grapes: GRAPE!! The cops have arrived! Everyone get out! Now!!" +36152,0,How does Mike Tyson write the 21st? The 21th +36153,1,"A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods... A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals. The hawk said ""I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."" The lion said ""No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jungle!"" The skunk then said ""No, I'm the mightiest! I can release such a stench it would force you both to run and hide from me!"" Just then, a bear came out of nowhere and swallowed all three in one fell swoop hawk, lion, and stinker!" +36154,0,I have always been against honor killing Until it happened to me. FUCKING MOSQUITOES!!!! +36155,1,"Moses and the Pharaoh. A long, long time ago in Egypt the Israelites were held as slaves. One day the evil Pharaoh passed a decree that no Israelite could cut the grass outside their house. The grass grew and grew, covering the houses and making it quite an ordeal for the Israelites to go to work in the morning, which put a bit of a strain on the old pyramid building that was all the rage at the time. But Pharaoh didn't care and the edict still stood. No Israelite could cut the grass outside their home. Eventually the elders had had enough and called upon Moses, who had a bit of a rapport with Pharaoh, being brought up together and all that jazz. ""Moses, you must convince Pharaoh to see sense and let us remove the grass from outside our homes!"" they implored. Moses nodded, picked up his staff and sought an audience with Pharaoh. In the royal chambers, Moses approached Pharaoh. ""Yes, Moses? How can I help?"" asked Pharaoh. Moses stood tall, stared deep into Pharaoh's eyes, raised his staff aloft, cleared his throat and with a booming voice said, ""Pharaoh! Let my people mow!""" +36156,1,"A man is selling cunt-flavored lollipops A man is selling cunt-flavored lollipops: ""Cunt-flavored lollipops!! Cunt-flavored lollipops!!!"" So that passing-by man stops and say: ""Hey, give me one of those cunt-flavored lollipops, folk!"" ""Here it is! Have fun!"" The buyer starts licking it. It tasted awful, verrry bad taste, shit-taste. ""Hey, bro; this lollipop... this lollipop tastes like shit"" ""Well -said the seller-, you better start licking the other side""." +36157,0,"I've been married for quite a while now and my wife does... ...things that have started to annoy me. Like, when she wakes up in a morning, that really fucking annoys me." +36158,1,How long did it take for snow white to serve the next round of food? 7 seconds +36159,2,"What's big, grey, and comes in quarts? ... an elephant Just got this one from my mom" +36160,2,I love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day. +36161,5,"A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!” The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!” ​ The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”" +36162,1,"Knock knock. ""Who's there?"" ""Orange."" ""Orange who?"" Knock knock. ""Who's there?"" ""Orange."" ""Orange who?"" Knock knock. ""WHO'S THERE?"" ""The president."" ""Well, why didn't you just say so?"" ""I did.""" +36163,0,Why did the guitar player get arrested Because he fingered a minor +36164,0,"I ran a marathon for charity It was for kids with asthma, i easily finsihed 1st." +36165,0,"If a cow started a company, what would it be? A moooo-ving company" +36166,0,Why did the lumberjack pull the plug? He couldn’t log off. +36167,0,What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other? Purranks. +36168,2,"A young couple got together and started making out. One thing led to another, and soon they were about to have sex. Just then they realise that neither of them really know what to do. The girl said she’d ask her mom about the steps. Her mom said that both have to undress and then she should grab the hardest part of his body and put it inside where she pees. So, she put his head in the toilet." +36169,0,Me: A cat always lands on its feet Me: A cat always lands on its feet Wife: Paws Me: A cat always lands on its ... .. ...feet +36170,0,Millenial’s goal in 2020: have my own home Obstacle: my parents don’t want to leave. They say the house is theirs. +36171,2,"Three buddies died in a car accident and went to heaven for an orientation. They are asked, ""When you were in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you have liked them to say about you?"" The first guy said, ""I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'"" The second guy said, ""I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in many children's lives.'"" The last guy said, ""I would liked to hear them say, ‘Look, he's moving!'""" +36172,3,Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician? He counted from uno to dos and disappeared without a tres. +36173,2,If I had a pound for every time you farted... ​ I'd be stinking rich! +36174,4,Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle +36175,0,What did a bad teacher tell their wisecracking student? Don't get smart with me. +36176,5,What's the difference between a condom and the congress? You can only fit one dick inside a condom. +36177,2,So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories +36178,1,How do you piss of female archaeologists? Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it's from. +36179,1,"One day God catches Adam and Eve Having sex God becomes angry because he is not ready for the two of them to be having sex yet, so he separates the two of them and he pulls Adam aside to lecture them, He explains to Adam that the two of them are not to be having sex in the garden of eden until he decides the time to be right and that they are never to do it again until they have his permission, Adam says he understands and promises not to do it again, God says good and then asks Adam where eve went, Adam says she went down to the ocean to clean herself up and God says Great Now I'm never going to be able to get that smell out of those fish" +36180,3,The town brothel recently closed and left a single sign in the window. Beat it; we’re closed. +36181,2,What is Bruce Lees favorite drink? Wataaaaah! +36182,1,"My wife and our cute little dog ! A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said: When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."" Said the counsellor: ""Why complain. You are still getting the same service. *In the corporate world they call it.* *Job Rotation*!""" +36183,4,What do you call an Italian hooker A pasta-tute +36184,5,What's thr difference between the chinese and racism? Racism has many faces. +36185,4,I know a joke about food during communism But I think no one will get it +36186,2,"Two sharks are swimming in the sea... One shark sees a school of sardines, and says ""bro you hungry?"" and the other shark says ""nah, I'm good. You go for it."" So the first shark swims right into the sardines, and nom-nom-noms on hundreds of the little fishes. Minutes later, the shark curls up in pain. ""Oooh, aaaagh, uuuurgh...."" the second shark says ""What's the matter?"" and the first shark says ""I forgot you're supposed to wait half an hour before swimming after you eat... >_<""" +36187,2,Why do chickens use Tinder? They want the cock +36188,3,"My grandparents, parents, and even my siblings have chronic diarrhea... runs in the family" +36189,1,What do you call a great knife? Cutting edge. +36190,2,"Matthew McConaughey does not like to take left turns... He’s all right, all right, all right." +36191,8,I decided to use my knife to save ammo Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball Edit: thanks for silver! +36192,0,"Have you ever looked at the sun with burned retinas and thought ""I wish there was a product besides my sunglasses that would protect my eyes"" Well look no further" +36193,4,"Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “ neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage. It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again." +36194,0,"Golf is a game of numbers You yell fore, shoot a six and write down a five." +36195,1,I like my coffee like I like my women. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the mountains. +36196,0,I started a company... I started q company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof +36197,2,I once dated a skeleton. She ended up cheating on me and then tried lying about it. But I saw right through her. +36198,3,"Three man find themselves at an empty swimming pool... An inscription on the diving board reads: ""Whatever the esteemed diver shouts while jumping off the board, the magic pool will fill up with!"" Oblivious to all the opportunities that come with a magic pool, man#1 steps on the board shouts ""Water!"" - and indeed, a vast amount of water crushes into the pool out of nowhere, splashing to all sides. The man lands safely and takes a few strolls before leaving the pool with a relieved but also somewhat disappointed look on his face. Man#2, still taking no chances, steps on the board and just as he leaps forward, whether out of disbelief about the situation or simply because he likes his potassium, shouts ""BANANAS!"". For a moment the world turns yellow-brown and the man safely lands in a pool full of soft, ripe bananas. Leaving the pool, he sees that everything around is covered with mushy bananas almost as a reminder to his stupid decision. Man#3, having observed all this, can't believe how stupid his comerades are. With a determined look on his face, he climbs up the ladder. He is a man that knows what he wants out of life and with the confidence of a man that deems himself superior to his peers, he approaches the edge, preparing his words. He is not going to ask for world peace, how would that even look in a pool? No, he is a pragmatic. Cold, hard cash is what he is after. He looks down to the empty pool, which magically is entirely clean unlike the surrounding area, which is still wet from the water and covered in destroyed fruit. He jumps up and down, one more jump and he'll leap forward, his lips pursed, ready to utter the words ""Money"". Alas, he slips on a Banana...""SH*T!!!!!""" +36199,1,I found a pun that works in both Spanish and English! Where do cats go when they die? **Purr**gatory. ¿De dónde van los gatos cuando mueren? Pur**gato**rio. +36200,2,What's another name for a supernova? A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me. +36201,0,"The thing I don't like about bidets is that you're squatting over this little fountain that's squirting your ass, and... ...That about sums it up." +36202,0,Where does Obama Get his drugs from? Joe Buysdem +36203,2,How did the pharoah get so rich in the staircase business? He was running a stepped pyramid scheme +36204,3,An englishman was sued for discrimination after firing all the redheads from his strip club. He was able to get off Scot-free. +36205,4,"Magic vibrator A businessman needs go out of town for work. His wife is a sex addict and cannot go more than a day without sex. Fearing that she will cheat on him, he decides to buy a toy for her to keep her occupied while he is away. He goes to the nearest sex shop. He tells the sex shop owner about his wife. The shop owner says, ""my friend I have just the thing for you."" He grabs something from the back and says, ""This is a magic vibrator."" The businessman looks skeptical so the shop keeper yells out, ""magic vibrator, the door!!"" And the magic vibrator flys out of the box and proceeds to fuck the door until the door breaks in half. The businessman is impressed and buys it. He brings it home to his wife and tells her to use it while he is gone. On the first day while the businessman is away the wife gets horny and decides to give the magic vibrator a try. She yells out, ""magic vibratory, my pussy!"" It works, the magic vibrator flys out and fucks her pussy hard. She orgasms over and over again! She decides she's had enough, however, she then realizes that she doesn't know how to turn it off. She calls her husband but he does not answer. She tries yelling several different commands but nothing works. It becomes unbearable and she decides to go to the ER. While driving she starts to swerve as the vibrator continues to make her orgasm over and over again. A cop sees this and pulls her over. He says to her, ""lady, you're swerving all over the place!"" She looks at him in tears and explains what's happening. The officer doesn't believe her. He just shakes his head and says, ""magic vibrator my ass!!""" +36206,4,"A woman asks her Milkman to fill her bath with milk.. He asks ""Do you want that milk pasteurised?"", She replies ""No, just up to my boobs please.""" +36207,4,Why do Jewish guys get circumcised? Because they know Jewish girls can't resist something that's 30% off +36208,7,My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out. +36209,2,Dads are like boomerangs They only come back in movies. +36210,6,"According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally. I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same." +36211,1,"Did you here about the man who lost his entire left side? Remarkably, he’s alright (This is surely a repost because I’ve known it for years, but I can’t remember seeing it on here)" +36212,0,"How do you tell if a politician is lying? His body is horizontal. Yeah fuck your ""His lips are moving"" punchline" +36213,2,What do you call a duck addicted to drugs A Quack-head +36214,6,"A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, ""What can I do for you?"" The man said, ""Will you watch us have sex?"" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, ""There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,"" and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, ""Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"" ""We're not trying to find out anything,"" the husband replied. ""She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare." +36215,2,Trying to find the girl of my dreams... ...But I struggle because I'm an insomniac. (Not OC) +36216,3,Bank of America is now charging a fee to use the bathroom Shits expensive +36217,0,Some people say I'm a murderer They don't say that anymore :3 +36218,0,"Square numbers are like women If they're under 13, just do them in your head. " +36219,1,What’s the key to a good joke?timing. In case you missed it it’s Timing +36220,2,Getting out of bed... It's the second hardest thing in the morning. +36221,1,"Hillbilly hoedown A guy moves from NYC to a cabin deep in the woods of the Kentucky mountains to de-stress. His second day there he hears a knock at the door. He answers and finds a skinny old hillbilly with four teeth, a pair of overalls and a powerful stink. Howdy neighbor! I come to invite you to a party at my place on Friday night. It’s gonna be great- there’s gonna be drinkin and cussin and fighting and fucking! Wow! Says the city boy sounds fun. What should I wear? Oh it don’t matter, it’s just gonna be you and me." +36222,2,"A guy walks into a library And asks for a burger and fries, the librarian replies ""Sir this is a library"" And so the man responds *whispering* ""Id like a burger and fries please""" +36223,1,Boss makes a dollar I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time. +36224,2,I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster +36225,1,What do you call a febreeze spraying ant? Deodorant +36226,0,"A tall blonde walked past my window, I know she was tall because I was on the second floor." +36227,6,How Long is a Chinese name Its not a question. +36228,0,"My friend ran 8 miles the other day. Their knees were weak, arms were heavy, and there was vomit on their sweater already. It was their mom's spaghetti." +36229,0,Why is nobody focusing on the real questions of Brexit... like how are we going to tow the UK out of Europe? +36230,4,"A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day. They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe. Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there. They call it a day and set up a camp, instantly falling asleep. The following morning one of the cowboys wakes up, stretches and walks out of the tent. He glances over to see thousands of Indians, armed to the teeth. The cowboy, shivering, rushes back inside and starts shaking his friend. - Jack! Jack, wake up! You won’t believe it! We’re fucking millionaires!" +36231,0,"My young son and daughter asked me to stop sending them on camping trips by themselves. Apparently, it was a little too intense. " +36232,2,"Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11"" measured in feet and inches? They use Imperial measurements" +36233,1,"If Left and Right get in an argument... ... And Right left, does that make Left right?" +36234,1,I think my son is bi-curious We were rolling through the village and he was pretty obviously checking out everyone's bikes. +36235,4,"Fruitloops for breakfast. A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops ' #WHACK...she spanks him He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'" +36236,0,What do voyeuristic Redditors look at? Upvote pictures +36237,9,"A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says ""Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!"" The blind man says ""same""" +36238,2,"When I told my date I was raised Catholic, she asked me right away whether I was molested as a child. I’m still butt hurt about it." +36239,2,"I didn't want to believe that my uncle had been stealing from the roads and traffic department ... ... but when the police raided his apartment, all the signs were there." +36240,0,"Someone asked me the pros and cons of dating a golfer I told them “Well on one hand, they’re pretty tanned. On the other hand, they’re really pale.”" +36241,2,My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working. I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction. +36242,2,Why are so many pornstars so rich? They get paid loads. +36243,0,What's a dead kid's favorite sweet? Ice cremation +36244,0,What do you call it when Mother Earth has the shits? Gaiarrhea +36245,2,How did the pastry chef do on the donut-making exam? She passed with frying crullers. +36246,1,What do you call a group of smart gay men that all look the same? Homogenius +36247,0,What do you call it when a nudist uses another person’s name Identitty fraud +36248,0,What is the hardest part to eat of a vegetable? The wheelchair +36249,1,What do you call a Minecraft server run for autistic children? A regular Minecraft server. +36250,3,"What time does the library open? The man on the phone asks. ""Nine AM,"" came the reply. ""And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"" ""Not until nine AM?"" The man said in a disappointed voice. ""No not till nine!"" The librarian said. ""Why do you want to get in before nine?"" ""Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."" " +36251,1,What do you call a meth-head that's been up for 2 weeks? A two-weeker +36252,0,On a scale of 4 to 7 How dyslexic are you? OC as far as I know +36253,2,Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet. +36254,1,"Going into IKEA before I felt bad but couldn't help laughing at an old couple who seemed to be confused about how to exit the revolving doors. Anyways, two hours and 15 meatballs later I was wheeling my new dining set, garden furniture and flatpack coffee table out when I too found myself stuck in the revolving doors. Oh how the tables turned!" +36255,0,Elf on the shelf? In my neighborhood we get roach on the coach. +36256,4,Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile Because you're a joke +36257,0,What is ‘Extra’ Virgin Olive Oil? What is ‘Extra’ Virgin Olive Oil? Olive oil that has never even fooled around with itself. +36258,1,"A woman asked her programmer husband to go and pick up some bread, and if there were eggs, to get a dozen. So he came home with 12 loaves of bread. " +36259,1,There is a new virus which only affects Muslims.Where do they put the infected? In the Quran-tine room! +36260,0,What s the difference between an ostridge ? it can neither fly +36261,2,Did you hear about the racist chemist? He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium. +36262,0,"Why are people in the Philippines always hungry? Because no matter how much you feed them, you can't fill a pino " +36263,2,My interview for the job as a kamikaze pilot went pretty good. Then I asked about the pension. +36264,2,"Two men stand next to each other at a urinal... One looks to the other and says ""Can you guess where I'm from?"" The other guy looks to him, giving him a once over and says: ""Well I can clearly see European.""" +36265,3,"I wanted to hire a singing group for a wedding So I called an event planning company (EPC) and asked them about the rates. Me - How much to hire a singing group? EPC - Oh, you mean a choir? Me - Uhhhhh fine, how much to acquire a singing group ? " +36266,0,Joke time Had a friend tell me this today. Cracked me up.. 'Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.' +36267,3,My mother-in-law told me I had poor posture when standing. I stand corrected. +36268,4,What do you call an antivaxer in the 1920s? Dead. +36269,1,The best housewarming gift... is a furnace +36270,1,"John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said: John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said: - Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right? Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through. John: But why? What happened? Ben: They beat me inside the airplane. John: That's why you look like that, but why did they beat you? Ben: Because I saw an old friend from college, and I called him. John: What? You just called him and you got beaten? What exactly did you say? Ben: I just called out, ""Hi, Jack!"" Then they just jumped and beat me. Compliments of Lettercount" +36271,6,I became a proud dad today My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years. +36272,1,"Took my Jamaican girlfriend to the doctors Took my Jamaican girlfriend to the doctors as she had trouble with her eyes. The doctor told her she has cataracts, but after a further examination it turned out she has breast cancer too. It was an I den titty crisis" +36273,1,"I was having a discussion with my mate: ""Just think, two packets of Doritos, and a can of coke all for 50p"" ""Wow, really?"" ""No, just think.""" +36274,1,When is a General not a General? When he's being specific! +36275,0,I like women who understand irony. Especially the irony of my shirts. +36276,3,"Two friends are sitting at a bar The first man says "" I had a Freudian slip at breakfast this morning"" The second asks ""What's that?"" ""Well it's when you mean to say one thing, but say something totally different, usually sexual. Like this morning, I meant to say, 'Honey, these are the best eggs I've had' but instead I said ""Honey, these are the BREAST eggs I've had"" ""Ohhhh"" says the second man. ""The same thing happened to mean today too! I meant to say 'Honey, please pass me a glass' ""Oh no, what did you say?"" asked the first ""You fucking bitch, you ruined my life""" +36277,0,"Bar notice - Beer £6, Sandwich £12, Hand jobs £20 So I asked the lady behind the bar if she 'does the hand jobs?' She replies 'yes' with a smile. So I said 'wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich.'" +36278,3,What do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein +36279,1,Why would you rather run into a bmw driver than a cactus? Because it's easier to deal with just one prick +36280,3,"A bear walks into a bar... The bear says ""I'll have a beer and a................... packet of peanuts"" The bartender says ""why the big pause""?" +36281,0,Did you hear about Trump's new scheme? Its unpresidented. +36282,1,"Guy 1: ""Fuckin A, man"" Guy 2: ""Fuck a B, it has more holes.""" +36283,0,So i went to a gay bar this might make me banned so i went to a gay bar and i told them im a toarist from afar they didnt take it to lightly +36284,3,What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever +36285,5,Which color confuses an idiot? Blue +36286,0,"Boy turns 18, so his uncle decides to get him an escort for his birthday. [puzzle-joke] The uncle wants some action too, so he finds them two hookers; however, each hooker only has one condom, since they were expecting to only have one customer each. The girls talk it over, however, and decide that if as long as everyone's save, they can use their allotted time as they please between the both of them. How do they each have safe sex with both hookers with only two condoms between the both of them? . . . . 1. First, the boy puts both condoms on his wood, has sex with hooker ""A"" 2. Then he takes off the top condom and gives it to his uncle to wear to hookup with hooker ""A"" 3. The boy uses the condom still on his wiener to do hooker ""B"" 4. The uncle then takes the boys condom and throws it over his own condom he was wearing for hooker ""A"" to do hooker ""B"" Problem solved!" +36287,0,A chemistry teacher asks a student “do you want to hear a joke about Nitrogen and Oxygen?” The student replies “NO” +36288,2,"life with a daughter SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is a vowel? Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh … Me: Close enough. " +36289,3,Who do grammar nazis hang out with now? The alt-write. +36290,1,The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree They were written up for insubornamation +36291,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house. Knock knock! Who's there? The chicken. +36292,3,How do you know a blonde has used your computer? There is cheese infront of the mouse. +36293,0,What do you call a black woman with ADHD on the moon? An astronaut you bloody racist! +36294,0,My friend always wants things to go his way. Even goes as far as telling people to write what he tells them to. I think he wants to be a dictator. +36295,3,"A guy goes to the party dressed in nothing but his pants... Someone asks him what he's supposed to be. He replies ""premature ejaculation"" The man asks him ""how's that?"" He then says ""well I just came in my pants""" +36296,0,"There once was a Monk who lived on a Mountain. One Wednesday, a Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Man took the half a lemon and went away. The next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Man took the half a lemon and went away. The next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Man took the half a lemon and went away. Now the Monk was becoming curious as to why the Man always wanted half a lemon, so he decided to ask the Man about it the next time he came. So as usual, the next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Monk tried to ask the Man why he wanted half a lemon, but the Man took the half a lemon and ran away. The next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Monk tried to ask the Man why he wanted half a lemon, but the Man took the half a lemon and ran away. So, the Monk started chasing the man down the mountain, but he didn’t have good running shoes and the Man got away. The Monk, very curious about why the man always wanted half a lemon, went out and bought running shoes to prepare for the next time the man came. And sure enough, the next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Monk tried to ask the Man why he wanted half a lemon, but the Man took the half a lemon and ran away. So, the Monk started chasing the man down the mountain. Just as the Monk was about to catch the Man, the Man reached a river and jumped in and swim across. The Monk didn’t know how to swim, so he had to turn back. The Monk, even more curious about why the man always wanted half a lemon, taught himself how to swim to prepare for the next time the Man came. And sure enough, the next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Monk tried to ask the Man why he wanted half a lemon, but the Man took the half a lemon and ran away. So, the Monk started chasing the man down the mountain. When the Man reached the river, he jumped in and swam across. The Monk jumped in the river and swam across too. After swimming across the river, the Man ran up to a cliff and started to climb. The Monk didn’t know how to climb so he had to turn back. The Monk, ever more curious about why the man always wanted half a lemon, taught himself how to climb to prepare for the next time the Man came. And sure enough, the next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Monk tried to ask the Man why he wanted half a lemon, but the Man took the half a lemon and ran away. So, the Monk started chasing the man down the mountain. When the Man reached the river, he jumped in and swam across. The Monk jumped in the river and swam across too. After swimming across the river, the Man ran up to a cliff and started to climb. The Monk climbed up the cliff right behind the man. Once the Man reached the top, he ran over to the wreckage of an airplane and locked himself in. The Monk didn’t know how to pick a lock so he had to turn back. The Monk, now extremely curious about why the man always wanted half a lemon, taught himself how to pick locks to prepare for the next time the Man came. And sure enough, the next week, on Wednesday, the Man came to visit the Monk. The Man said to the Monk, ""Father be good and give me half a lemon."" and the Monk was good and gave the Man half a lemon. The Monk tried to ask the Man why he wanted half a lemon, but the Man took the half a lemon and ran away. So, the Monk started chasing the man down the mountain. When the Man reached the river, he jumped in and swam across. The Monk jumped in the river and swam across too. After swimming across the river, the Man ran up to a cliff and started to climb. The Monk climbed up the cliff right behind the man. Once the Man reached the top, he ran over to the wreckage of an airplane and locked himself in. The Monk followed and picked the lock to let himself in. Now that the Man couldn’t run away, the Monk asked the Man again, “Why do you always come on Wednesday and ask for half a lemon?” The Man replied, “Okay, I’ll tell you. But please, Father be good and don’t tell anyone.” **And the Monk was good and never told anyone.** " +36297,0,Kids Joke ! .. Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken? A: Egg-splosion +36298,2,"Another 'walks into a bar' joke The barman says, 'That'll be two pounds please.' He ordered a pint of lager. A time-traveller walks into a bar." +36299,1,what do you call an animal rights activist that loves children? a peta-phile +36300,0,Finally I've realised the truth! 7/11 was a part time job +36301,0,What do you call a brochure about spiders? A Bro-nope! +36302,1,"A man is at a job interview. The interviewer asks: What would you say is your greatest strength? "" I'm very sensitive"". And what would you say is your greatest weakness? "" Honesty"" I don't think honesty is a weakness!? ""I don't give a fuck what you think""" +36303,5,Pirates never shower before they walk the plank. They just wash up on shore afterward. +36304,0,What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone? a Snapping Turtle +36305,1,Why was the serial killer intentionally bad at bowling? He preferred to gut her. +36306,1,"A nun walks into a bar looking like she'd just been in a dog fight. Her clothes are all torn and raggedy and covered in crap. She sits down and orders a beer. He pours her a pint and watches as she downs it in one, burps, then hawks up some phlegm and spits it on the floor. She follows this up by lifting her ass to the side and letting out a humongous resonating fart. ""Excuse me Sister"", he says, ""I don't get many nuns around here, but you seem to have some disgusting habits"". ""No, just the one"", she replies, ""it's wash day.""" +36307,1,Why does Hitler like external hard drives? Because they're not C:\\\\ +36308,0,"What does Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last greatest hits were ""the wall""." +36309,3,I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles… My next bowel movement could spell disaster. +36310,2,What's the difference between your wife and your job? In five years your job will still suck +36311,3,I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer He gave me essential oils for my broken car. +36312,2,A porn company finally hired me after many auditions... There was a lot of back and forth and I always gave it my best shot. +36313,0,Red wine is like Hoda Kobt It's drunk every day in New York +36314,0,"Damn girl, are you america? Cause you got a lot of problems..." +36315,2,"How do we know that Jesus was a Jew? He totally believes that he is the Son of God, and that his mother is a virgin" +36316,0,What do you call an email used by feminists? A fe-mail +36317,7,Where do suicide bombers go after they die? Everywhere. +36318,2,"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics say that people who have the most, live the longest." +36319,1,"After 40 years a Rabbi retires... (long) during his time, he performed many bris' (circumcisions) and saved the foreskins. As a retirement gift to himself he took the collected foreskins to a leather craftsman and asked him to make something with them. The leatherman looked at the collection and thought for a bit, and said ""sure, sure... come back in two weeks."" Two weeks passes and the Rabbi returns to the leatherman's shop and is greeted by the craftsman. ""Good morning Rabbi"" says the leatherman, I have your gift ready for you, and he pulls out from under the counter a wallet and presents it to the Rabbi. The Rabbi picks it up and examines for a it a moment and sets it down. He looks at the leatherman and asks ""is this the best you could do? All those foreskins, it seems so small, such a waste of material. I'm not so sure I am pleased by this result."" The leatherman smiles and says ""Rabbi, while it may seem like a small wallet, if you rub it, it becomes a briefcase."" " +36320,0,So two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba Dum Tssss! +36321,2,What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip! +36322,1,"Derek and Brian are having a drink together. ""You used to play football, didn't you?"" Brian asks Derek. ""Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40."" replies Derek. ""So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?"" asks Brian. ""I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf."" answers Derek." +36323,6,"The bravest thing I ever did I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting. I waited over an hour to speak. Heard all the stories. Finally it was my turn. ""Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body"" I said. Everyone nodded. ""That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is.""" +36324,1,What would Jessie tell Woody while having a threesome with buzz? You've got a friend in me! +36325,2,"I asked my one-legged friend where he'd like to eat. ""Ihop""" +36326,5,There's something crazy I really want to try in bed.. Getting 8 hours of sleep +36327,3,What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear? You've got a friend in me +36328,1,I am a devout in BDSM and have been very open about it to everyone around me People give me the weirdest looks. Haven't they heard of Buddhism before? +36329,1,Only a beekeeper can decide what is beautiful Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder +36330,4,"Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict... ...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program. " +36331,0,"What's big, round, and has a gravity well? Your mother" +36332,3,One thing a paralyzed person can not do is? Stand up comedy +36333,0,Why did Boy George get kicked out of the pet store? for coming on a chameleon +36334,0,"A father puts his baby in the freezer. His wife asjs where the baby is. The father says, ""Just chillin""" +36335,0,[NSFW] What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple? I don't cum on apples before I eat them. +36336,1,"A wife asks her husband for a special birthday gift ""It needs to be silver, go zero to 100 in a second and be parked outside the garage"" One bruised eye later I still can't see the problem The scale was what she asked for" +36337,2,"You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich. That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original." +36338,0,"Hollywood accounting... It was a co-workers birthday in the Hollywood accountancy firm I work at. We all chipped in and got him a bespoke cake. We wanted it to be a bit wacky and really embody the humour and spirit of out line of work. We all gathered in the break room and brought the cake in. He looked confused at first. It was a simple, round chocolate cake with the number '69' on top. Another co-worker turned to me and said ""I don't get it, how it this in any way related to accountancy???"" ""Aha,"" I smiled, ""There's fudge in the numbers...."" " +36339,0,My mom called me yesterday. Boomer rang. +36340,0,What did the pirate say when he saw the prostitute through his telescope? LAND HO! +36341,1,What's a weeb's favorite element? Manga-nese +36342,0,"It's time we bring back ""not"" jokes not..." +36343,4,What is black and is stuck to a ceiling? A not very good electrician... +36344,6,My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car +36345,0,"I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives. Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla." +36346,5,"A woman comes into the doctor’s office for a checkup one day. As she’s taking off her blouse, the doctor notices a big H on her chest. He asks, “How’d you get that mark on your chest?” She says, “Oh, well my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he has a sweatshirt from there, and he never takes it off, even when we make love. I guess it leaves a mark.” They laugh and the checkup goes well, and a couple days pass. Then another woman comes in for a checkup and she has a great big Y on her chest when she takes off her blouse. The doctor says, “What’s that big Y on your chest from?” The woman says, “Oh, well my boyfriend goes to Yale. He’s so proud he got a sweatshirt from there and never takes it off, when when we make love. Guess it leaves a mark.” They laugh. The checkup goes fine. Couple days later a different woman comes in and she has a great big M on her chest when she takes off her blouse. The doctor says, “Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan University? She says, “No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Washington, why do you ask?”" +36347,1,What do you and the universe have in common? You both started with a Big Bang. (I've known this joke for a longtime and I don't remember if I made it) +36348,11,Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment. +36349,1,"Theory & Practice Boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice. Dad says: ""Go ask your sister if they gave her 1 million dollar would she sleep with Brad Pitt."" Boy asks and sister says yes. Dad adds: ""Now go ask your mother the same question changing Pitt with Clooney."" Boy asks, mother says yes. Dad concludes: ""See, theoretically we have 2 million dollars but in practice we're living with two hoes""" +36350,1,"My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car. .. I said, “What’s the good news?” She said, “The airbag works.”" +36351,0,My mom should have been on a plane that crashed on 9/11 —*I* think. +36352,1,What does a dog do when it loses it's tail? Goes to a retail store to find another one. +36353,0,I asked my father in law for a setup and a punchline He handed me a pitcher and a kool aid packet +36354,0,"My gf went to the beauty parlor and got a Brazilian. Nothing extreme, just punched her. " +36355,0,What's the opposite of an alligator? An allistraightor +36356,0,Which veggie in the garden is known for their take it or leave it negotiating style? The Ol’ Tomato +36357,5,Don't criticise what you can't understand. - Bob Dylan I fucking hate that quote. What does it even mean?! +36358,1,"This just in, Beverly Hills, 90210 Cleveland Browns, 3 >Credit to Colin Mochrie from *Whose Line Is It Anyway?*" +36359,8,"I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did... ...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home..." +36360,3,What did Tyrion call the passage he built to smuggle whores into Casterly Rock? Hoe-door. +36361,0,I heard George Michael choked on a chocolate bar Careless Wispa +36362,0,"Donald Trump's New Book A man is walking down the street, minding his own business, enjoying his day. He looks across the street and, to his surprise, sees a new store. The sign above the store reads 'Muslim Bookstore.' ""Wow, that's unbelievable!"" the man thinks to himself, ""I gotta check this out."" He walks across the street and into the store. It looks like a typical bookstore, rows of books, mainly in Farsi, and a Muslim man at the cash register. ""Hi,"" the man says to the cashier, ""I was wondering if you have Donald Trump's new book about immigration and his views on islamic people."" There is a lull in the conversation as the cashier looks at the man with an astonished look on his face. ""Shut the hell up, get the fuck out of here and don't come back,"" replies the cashier. The man smiles at the cashier and says ""Yeah! That's the one!""" +36363,4,"A young man is taking a driver's test Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit? Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right? Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes" +36364,0,How was the movies? Did you bring enough candy? Good and Plenty. +36365,0,"I’m allergic to hard labor. When I lift things, liquid comes out of my skin." +36366,1,I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around. Boy am I Thor. +36367,1,Man went to the zoo and... The only animal was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu... +36368,3,Why do boobs have nipples? cause if they didn't have nipples they'd be pointless. +36369,2,What is the riskiest dish to order from a Japanese restaurant? Fish of the north star. +36370,0,"Women are like cars When they get old and boring, you get a hot new model" +36371,1,"How many letters of the alphabet does a pirate know? 10! Aye, aye! Arrrr. And the seven seas." +36372,2,"Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him. ""Bill, this is God,"" says a booming voice, ""You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."" Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, does just that. A few weeks later, he's driving into Vegas and gets his second message from God: ""Bill, go to the MGM casino. "" Again, Bill questions this and is told again by God. So he gets to the casino and God says, ""Bill, go to the high rollers blackjack table with all of your money."" At this point, Bill is starting to feel uneasy, but does as he's told. Once at the table, God instructs him to put all of his money, several hundred thousand, on one hand. By now, Bill is a nervous wreck. He starts telling God how hard he worked to build the business and now he was being told to risk it all on one hand of blackjack? ""Do you dare question your Maker?"" God asks in that booming voice. Bill gives all his money to the dealer and his stacks his huge pile of chips on one hand. Sweating nervously, Bill's heart sinks when he is dealt a hard 17, and the dealer has a face card showing. When he asks God what he should do, the booming voice replies, ""Hit it!"" Bill hesitates, but is slightly relieved when he is dealt a deuce, giving him 19. Then God speaks again, ""Hit it again!"" Bill knows this is a bad play, and starts to question it when God repeats the instructions, louder. So Bill takes another card. He nearly faints when he sees an ace. Now at 20, Bill slowly exhales when God speaks yet again. ""Hit it again!"" Bill can't believe what he's hearing. He starts to tell God that he just can't, it's a terrible risk and all that, when God interrupts him, ""HIT IT AGAIN!!"" The dealer implores him to stand, as do several others crowding around the table, but Bill feels he can't contradict God, so with terror in his heart, he takes another card. It's an ace, giving Bill 21. But before he can start celebrating, he hears that booming voice of God one last time: ""Another ace?! Un-fucking-believable!""" +36373,3,"My pillow I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs. Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose. It appeared I would have to live without my pillow... or sew its seams." +36374,1,"Omg, have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife? Neither has he." +36375,2,What is the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber. +36376,1,What's for Lunch?? Wife: Have you had your Lunch?? Husband: Have you had your Lunch?? Wife: I’m asking you?? Husband: I’m asking you?? Wife: Your copying me?? Husband: Your copying me?? Wife: Lets go grocery shopping. Husband: I’ve had my lunch. +36377,1,"If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you." +36378,2,"Two Polish guys are hunting for bears in the woods. They come across a fork in the road with a sign that says ""BEAR LEFT"" They both turn around and go home." +36379,2,"A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel. He tells the duty manager, ""I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."" The manager looks at him and replies, ""No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!""" +36380,4,A man goes to confession A man walks into a church and goes to the priest to begin confession. Man: father I have sinned and I would like to confess. Priest : go ahead my son Man: last night I went to my girlfriends sisters house and it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and stayed the night. Priest: pray to god and ask for forgiveness and he shall help. Man: that’s not all. Last week i was at my old teachers house when it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and stayed the night. Priest: okay... pray to god and ask for forgiveness and he shall help. Man: wait there’s more. 18 days ago I went to my ex-girlfriends house and it ended up raining heavily. I ended up sleeping with her and stayed the night. The priest gets out of the booth and opens the front church doors. He looks to his left and to his right and says “get the fuck out of here before it starts raining”. +36381,3,To the person who discovered zero Thanks for nothing. +36382,9,"My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, ""I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"" .... so I poked her in the eyes." +36383,2,Why didn't Jesus make the basketball team? Because he only throws Hail Mary's. +36384,0,What do you call a 1 legged fox? Terry. +36385,0,"If info gathered about scp-055 is always forgotten, then I think I know what it is My birthday party" +36386,2,"Ghosts! So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, ""How many of you believe in ghosts?"" All of the hands go up. ""And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"" About 90% of the hands go up. ""And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"" About 20% of the hands go up. ""And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"" One hand in the back goes up. ""Really!"" says the teacher. ""I've been teaching this class for 10 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"" The man stands up and says, ""I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'""" +36387,2,I was going to make a joke about herbs... But sadly I ran out if thyme. +36388,5,"A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. ""In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"" There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. ""I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."" At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The pastor finally stands up and says, ""I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."" ""Yes, that's true."" says the old pilot. ""But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"" " +36389,0,Banking - this profession has the worst prospects in Sweden and the UK Sharia law does not allow the charging of interest +36390,7,"An ugly woman walked into a store a with her 2 kids, yelling at them. The store clerk pleasantly said, ""Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"" The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, ""Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"" The clerk replied,""I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice."" " +36391,5,Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this. Laid. +36392,2,What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents? An 'acidic Jew +36393,0,"10 fun facts.... 1:You can't wash your eyes with soap 2:You can't count all your hairs. 3:You can't breath through your nose while you stretch out your tounge. 4:You just tried to do nr 3. 6:While you were doing nr 3 you realisted that it is fully possible, but you just looked like a dog. 7:You're smiling right now because you fell for it. 8:You skipped nr 5. 9:You looked to see if there was any nr 5. 10:There aren't even 10 facts!" +36394,0,What did the bailiff say at bread court? All rise! +36395,4,"Sunday afternoon quickie A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities... ""There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"" he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ""An ambulance just drove by!"" ""Looks like the Andersons have company,"" he called out. ""Matt's riding a new bike!"" ""Looks like the Sanders are moving!"" ""Jason is on his skate board!"" After a few moments he announced... ""The Coopers are having sex."" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... ""How do you know they're having sex?"" ""Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle.""" +36396,0,"Thank you Martin Luther king jr. As custodians we owe that guy a lot, if it wasn't for him we'd have to clean two drinking fountains. " +36397,0,Where did the orange go to school? The naval academy. +36398,5,If a woman sleeps with many men shes a slut... If a man does the same he's a homosexual. When will the double standards end. +36399,0,"Guy comes out of a shop to find a traffic warden ticketing his car.. “You’re an evil vindictive bitch”, roars the man. “Just doing my job”, reply’s the traffic warden. The man leans forward until their noses almost touch, “well just make sure my fucking teas on the table by the time I get home !” " +36400,2,A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world... I guess the fourth is really with them. +36401,0,"During the daily roll call... The captain called out everyone's name one by one to mark their attendance. Then when he got near the end he called out"" Seymour buts"" no reply. He called out again ""Seymour buts?"" And then a faint voice from the back said: "" I bet you'd like to see more(Seymour) butts"" and that was that" +36402,1,What did one broken computer say to the other? Error 404: response not found. +36403,3,"The past, present and future all walk into a bar It was very tense" +36404,0,"Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Think about it, never seen an elephant in a cherry tree have you?" +36405,2,why is it general kenobi and not specific kenobi ? only a sith deals in absolutes +36406,1,"If you are moving to Japan, you are def going to enjoy doing two things there: no. 1- and no. 2." +36407,0,"There's this little boy of five crying on the high street, he't lost. A policeman comes up to him and says ""don't worry lad, we'll find your mum, what's she like?"" the boy says ""Cock and bingo mainly""." +36408,1,Why do kids with down syndrome wear shorts? Because they have bad genes. +36409,0,There was a kidnapping in New York But then he woke up. Tied up in a basement. +36410,2,What do you call a nun on a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile. +36411,0,A nuclear warhead exploded in Paris. The bomb destroyed everything. Whole city's gone. Now it's called Parwas +36412,1,Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite? A hippo-crit. +36413,5,"What did the Neutron say to the Proton in the nucleus? ""Thanks for letting me live here free of charge!""" +36414,0,The guy I met today must have done something really amazing in a past life to have so much karma built up because for absolutely no reason I kicked him in the throat. +36415,2,Why was Jesus not a virgin? He got nailed. +36416,2,How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers. +36417,5,What do you call two pints of strict rules? A quart of law +36418,0,Why don't atoms drive to work? They use mass transit +36419,0,"If anyone has any objections as to why these two urologists should marry,... leak now or forever hold your pee" +36420,2,Can someone explain nonprofit organizations to me? They don’t really make any cents. +36421,3,Fell off a 50ft ladder today... ...good thing I was on the first wrung! +36422,0,What's the difference between little girls and wine? Wine gets better as it gets older +36423,1,So many power outages lately No one wants to shed light on the matter +36424,6,"A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says ""You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. ""And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. ""Shut the fuck up and make my coffee.""" +36425,0,I wish my garden was emo... Why? So it will cut itself. +36426,2,"The toothbrush was invented in Alabama. How do we know? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush!" +36427,2,Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers. +36428,3,"I was watching my wife try on costumes; I said, you know what you looked best in? 1996" +36429,3,Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J. Fox +36430,3,"Man, I hate this new thesaurus I got I can’t even find the words to describe how useless it is. " +36431,0,"If i was a gay prostitute my name would be ""5 Dollar Footlong""" +36432,2,"Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st. Is just gods way of saying ""April Fools""" +36433,2,"Got into a fight at Bunnings once It was a close one, but I beat them by 10%." +36434,1,I hear that Mr. Worldwide often gets called out in basketball. He’s always trying to travel. +36435,1,Why was the anti-vaxxers four year old crying? Midlife crisis. Sorry it's a repost from a while ago but it needs to be out here more. +36436,3,"I've been investing in stocks recently Chicken, Beef, Vegetable..... One day I hope to be a bouillonaire" +36437,0,A Man Walks Into a Bar... Its sad how is alcohol dependency is destroying his family +36438,2,"Two guys, Fred and Bob, liked to hang out at the beach, trying to meet girls. Bob always got dates, but Fred kept striking out. One day, Fred took Bob aside and asked him, “What’s your secret?” Bob grinned and said, “All I do is put a potato in my shorts.” Fred nodded and thanked him for the tip. The next day, Bob showed up and watched the girls running away from Fred, leaving him standing there, looking confused. Bob waved him over. “Fred,” he said, “the potato goes in the front.” " +36439,0,My wife is really good when it comes to bread baking competitions She's the real bread winner in our household +36440,2,How do astronauts organise a party? They planet +36441,1,How to stop Mexican racist jokes? don't **taco** 'bout it. +36442,0,"Siri So I asked Siri what movies were playing at the local cinema. Siri said, ""Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"" Turns out my phone was in airplane mode." +36443,3,"Doctor: “the test results came back...” “...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...” Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.” Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.” Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”" +36444,0,SHOWER THOUGHTS +36445,0,"a priest and woman are arguing about the importance of women. She says ""where would men be without women"" Without missing a beat the priest answers ""Eden""" +36446,0,What's the hardest part of putting a baby in the microwave? My erection. +36447,1,Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. food joke +36448,0,Every time I visit reddit I get a little more informed... And a hell of a lot more depressed +36449,4,What does Superman put in his drink? Just ice. +36450,3,Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions? **They were past their hexpiration date!** *I'm so sorry. My 8yo kid asked me to make up a joke and it's SO HARD to craft a joke that's kid-appropriate.* +36451,4,"I just discovered that an Asian has broken into my house. All my math, physics, biology, and chemistry homework was done, my computer was upgraded, and that little fucker was still trying to back out of my driveway." +36452,1,"I'm selling a book entitled: ""How To Be An Expert In Negotiations"". I'll accept any price for it." +36453,2,How do you know who is the most extroverted mathematician? He's the one looking at your shoes instead of his own. +36454,3,Did you hear about the narcissist who performs autofellatio? He´s quite full of himself. +36455,0,"The two soldiers had been fighting for months. . . . . .when they suddenly came upon a lone sheep grazing in a field. ""God,"" one said to the other. ""If only that were a woman. "" The other replied in even more heartfelt tones, ""God, if only it were dark.""" +36456,2,Where do fat people live? Obe-city +36457,4,What’s the most popular sport in Tamriel? Molagball +36458,0,Thank you #MeToo for helping me find my voice When I needed a topic for the presentation I forgot to do. +36459,3,"I got an advertising email saying 'Google knows maps backwards.' I thought, that's just spam." +36460,1,What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Donald Trump has never had a lentil on his face. +36461,0,"When I found out that the president was trying to pass a bill that legalized non FDA approved drugs, I asked if it was time to move to Canada. My dad's response was ""No because they'll be out of drugs"". Edit: Does nobody really get this? A HUGE portion of fake dug sites are from ""Canada"". AKA the middle East, Guam, and Chile." +36462,2,"I saw a transvestite prostitute wearing a mini skirt the other day and thought, That shows a lot of balls." +36463,2,"The hotel A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, ""I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."" He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, ""What the heck, I'll give her a call."" ""Hello,"" the woman says. She sounded sexy. ""Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"" She says, ""That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.""" +36464,0,"A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist were in a bar, Not quite what I expected when I heard ""Worlds largest Three Musketeers chocolate bar"". " +36465,2,"An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. ""In English, "" he said, ""a double negative forms of positive. However in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."" A voice from the back of the room piped up, ""Yeah, right."" " +36466,1,"A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!' The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, 'No! This is her husband!" +36467,1,TIL a team of British biologists discovered a group of primates living near a Buddhist monastery that meditate for up to 8 hours per day. I’m not yet sure this is an aperopriate conclusion. +36468,0,"Google job A man walks into Google’s offices for an interview. The HR person asks: “so, how did you find out about our company?”" +36469,7,"A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch." +36470,0,What is the first thing you should do after Jake Paul dies? Turn the radio back on +36471,2,Why did the bride smile when she walked down the marriage aisle? She realized she gave her last blowjob. +36472,0,"France during their revolution is a lot like China now If you say anything about the government, you get killed" +36473,1,When I was born god asked me if I wanted a good memory or a huge wiener. I can't remember what I picked... +36474,1,In Saudi Arabia it is unlawful to hang a man with a beard. They must use rope instead. +36475,1,Why do feminists not work at the post office? They don’t like working with Mail +36476,0,Heaven is... Heaven: The police are British The cooks are French The engineers are German The administrators are Swiss The lovers are Italian Hell: The police are German The cooks are British The engineers are Italian The administrators are French The lovers are Swiss +36477,4,Why was the physics teacher and the biology teacher always fighting? They didn't have any chemistry. +36478,1,"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are sitting in their 221b Baker Street Tea room... When Dr. Watson says to Holmes: ""I say, Holmes, I do wonder. Where did you learn such brilliant deduction skills?"" Holmes says: ""What do you mean?"" Watson: ""I mean, what school did you go to?"" Holmes takes a puf from his pipe and says: ""Elementary, my dear Watson!""" +36479,0,Why did the DJ have such small hands? Wee paws for station identification. +36480,0,"Two friends were browsing Reddit Friend 1: ""Hey, my post is in the hot section right now."" Friend 2: ""What a coincidence! So is mine. Which number is your post on?"" Friend 1: ""17. Yours?"" Friend 2: ""14."" Friend 1: ""Well, for the first time in our lives we are on the same page.""" +36481,1,"Why is there no rain in South Africa? They forgot to /toggledownfall. They also forgot to make their server private, so there's a decent bit of PvP and even PvE over there." +36482,1,"They did surgery on a grape. It blew up instagram but when they did it on my mentally ill brother. ""They did surgery on a vegetable"" did not blow up on instagram" +36483,0,What weather event would happen if the members of NATO split apart? A tornado +36484,1,"Lesbians.. Now, two lesbians walking down the street, one turns to the and says, hey, your face or mine?" +36485,1,I used to hate my new haircut... But its kinda starting to grow on me. +36486,2,Which high-ranking Cardassian did Sisko find easiest to fool? It wasn't Gul Dukat... it was Gul Ebahl! +36487,7,My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her stuff and left. +36488,1,hey girl are you mexican Cz I wanna get jalapeno +36489,4,I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today. She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though +36490,2,The proper way to manage marijuana stocks. Buy high sell higher. +36491,0,What did the Syrian mother say about her child? They blow up so fast +36492,1,Death can't be that bad. At least no one has complained about it happening to them yet +36493,1,"The March of the Number Line Why was 10 afraid? Because it's in the middle of 9/11. 10 has since moved past that, but now 10 is afraid of 7. Why? Because seven ate nine. Now that 9 is out of the way and 8 (having the only pair of working handcuffs) is dealing with 7, 10 is no longer afraid, but 6 is. Why you ask? Because 5 is a registered 6 offender. 4 is also in for a bit of trouble on its trip to France. After all, un deux, trois, cat sank. So now that 9 has been eaten, 10 has gone into protective custody, 8 was taken down by 7 (let's just say he got lucky), 6 has been arrested, 4 drowned in France, 12 decided to run off with a dozen (what a skank). With all the chaos, 2 tragically hung himself (you know how it goes, 2 can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number next to number 1), and the teens have seized their opportunity to wage war with the survivors. You know how rebellious they can get. They have been quoted saying the remainder are prime targets. Now with the number line in chaos, the council decided to interfere, they're regular symbols of justice after all. Pi said ""this conflict is going in circles!"", e said ""i will fix it!"" which is a very irrational thing to say, considering everyone knows i isn't real. Ignoring his comment, x replied ""I'm not going to pick sides until this has been solved"", binary said ""I'm turned off by the whole thing"", negative was also very non plused about the whole situation, and parabola was too busy flirting with x to answer definitively. Then out of nowhere base 10 arrived and corrected the situation with one fell swoop. There has been 00 conflict ever since." +36494,7,"Girl: “Come over” Guy: “Im coming over” Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over”" +36495,0,"I asked a friend if she could give me some jokes. She told me she had three “Joke, Joke, Joke”" +36496,2,Why did Ron Artest leave the game early? He wanted to beat the crowd.. +36497,1,What do you say when you don’t know the lyrics to a-ha’s “Take On Me”? “I don’t know what I’m to say” +36498,0,"I got talking to a girl the other day And I said, ""Hey, do you have 11 protons? 'Coz you're sodium fine.""" +36499,1,Do you believe in Hinduism? Do you believe in Hinduism? Because I heard that they consider your mom a sacred animal. +36500,5,If your girl can cook Chinese marry her because Schezwan of a kind. +36501,0,Why was the Christian called Ravioli? He was a pastor +36502,1,Anyone hear about the ocean full of dicks? It was a phallus-sea. +36503,0,"So an Android developer walks in a bar What happens next, you tell me." +36504,0,"So i met someone from American for the first time . I asked ""how are you feeling"" ""depressed""" +36505,0,In high school my nickname was 'Prince Charming' because i always made out with the girls who were passed out. +36506,3,"A guy finds a genie bottle Rubs it and the genie says “okay you’ve got three wishes, but new rule is your ex-wife gets double” Guys not happy but says “for my first wish I want 5 billion dollars tax free” Genie “boom you got it, now your ex-wife has 10 billion tax free dollars” Guy “yeah, ok fine next wish I want an island only I can get to that has a beautiful mansion and never runs out of supplies” Genie “ok but now your ex-wife has two of them, what’s your last wish?” Guy thinks and thinks, then says: “GOT IT, I wish you would beat me half to death!”" +36507,0,What's the hardest part of being a paedophile? The dick. +36508,5,"If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands. " +36509,0,Why did the kids eat their homework? Because the teacher told them it was a piece of cake +36510,1,What does a playwright do when he's done pissing? Shake spear +36511,1,I know an excellent sex therapist He really knows the ins & outs of it all +36512,6,"A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church. The vicar says, ""We don't want your sort in here!"" The Higgs-boson particle says ""But you can't have mass without me!""" +36513,0,What's a Zebra? 26 sizes larger than an A bra. +36514,0,Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies +36515,1,"Keeping the Faith A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, ""Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"" She hesitated a moment, then said, ""Yes, Sidney, three times."" ""Three times? How could that happen?"" Sidney asks. Marsha replied, ""Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"" ""Yes, dear, those were really difficult times,"" replied Sidney. ""And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"" ""Gosh, that's really hard to take,"" said Sidney. ""But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time? "" ""Well,"" Marsha continued, ""do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"" ""Yes, of course,"" said Sidney. ""Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"" ""Yes, I remember,"" said Sidney, ""and as much as that shocks me!, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"" Marsha lowered her head and said, ""Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 8 more votes?""" +36516,2,"During the Exodus, before the Israelites left Egypt, Moses talked to the Burning Bush. The Bush told Moses that in preparation for the departure from Egypt, the Israelites could not leaven their bread, so that when the day of the Exodus finally came, they would be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Every Israelite lived in a family hut, all except for old lady Nina, whose husband had passed on with no children. Everyone complied to this rule for the quite some time, but one day when Moses consulted the Bush, the Bush told him that one of the Israelites had failed to follow the rule, and unless that Israelite was disciplined or came forward to confess their sin and be shamed in front of the tribe, they would all be slaves of the Pharaoh for eternity. Naturally, this caused some commotion as to who could have violated this rule, and also naturally, all denied having leavened the bread. Everyone had their families as witnesses claiming they did not break the rule. All except for Nina, as she lived alone. Since she was so well respected, no one questioned her at first, but eventually all the evidence began to point in her direction. Rather than asking her directly, and thus humiliating her before the Israelites, Moses asked the Burning Bush if she was the perpetrator. He and his brother Aaron approached the holy ground, and Moses asked aloud ""BUSH, DID NINA LEAVEN?""" +36517,1,What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph. The rest are ese's. +36518,1,"If Anakin Skywalker was from a country on Earth, where would he come from? El Salvader " +36519,3,What do you call a camel that eats another camel? A camibal +36520,0,I was calm before she left... But now I'm Ruthless. +36521,0,A fortune teller told me my firstborn would become a priest. It was preordained. +36522,0,What do flies die of? *The flews*. +36523,0,"Joke of the Day! Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy -- although My boss let me go -- Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web! Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, ""Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"" With a listless shrug, I mutter ""No, man; I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"" I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)" +36524,2,My motto is “Efficiency. Efficiency. Efficiency.” Oop. I guess I only need to say it once. +36525,3,"What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." +36526,0,Moron How do you keep a moron in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. +36527,0,What do skrilkex and a clumsy fisherman have in common? They both drop the bass! +36528,0,"Two bars walk into a guy My bad, i’m dyslexic. " +36529,1,All fishermen will now have free meals and a new car But there's a catch +36530,1,Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who is left? Repeat. Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who is left? +36531,2,"What do you call a woman who flies planes? A pilot, you sexist fuck" +36532,4,Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. Happy 4th of July r/jokes! +36533,5,Leather armor is best for sneaking Because it's literally made of hide. +36534,4,"A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada The dealer tells her there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman’s name to the long waiting list. “Come back two years from now on March 17th,” he says. The woman consults her calendar. “Morning or afternoon?” she asks. “What difference does it make?” the dealer replies. “That’s two years from now!” “The plumber is coming that day,” she says. " +36535,0,My girlfriend said she's break up with me if I didn't stop being a casanova. Apparently she doesn't like that I live in my Chevy. +36536,1,What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common? Outstanding Balance! +36537,1,"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend ---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik" +36538,1,How did Hitler check the price of his clothes? He looked at the Reichstag. +36539,0,"What do HTTP, WWW & COM stand for? Hurry To The Porn, Wank Wank Wank & Cum On Myself" +36540,2,What do A and C have in common with relationships in Alabama? Relative Minor +36541,0,My family says I smell... It's maybe because I haven't had a shower since last year! ha ha ha +36542,3,"When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing. The car is new or the wife is." +36543,2,"So I was sitting at a table in this bar. When this lovely young lady seated at the table across from mine sneezed, her glass eye popped out and with a bounce of the table soared into my lap. I caught it out of instinct and handed it back to her. She thanked me and headed to the restroom to put it back to it's proper place. Upon returning this gorgeous women approaches me and asks me for my number. ""Wait?! Me??"" I respond. She says ""Yes, of course you silly"". ""Why me?"" I ask. She replied "" It's not everyday someone catches your eye""." +36544,0,I've been seeing hallucinations of comedy lately. I think I have skitzophrenia. +36545,0,What's the only thing that the Right and the Left agree on? That the other side is wrong. +36546,1,"Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few times as Jacques shook off his injury, merely a flesh wound. Again Jacques thrust his sword toward Pierre, and again Pierre perfectly parried and quickly countered, this time stabbing Jacques deeply in the thigh. Jacques limped back, realizing that Pierre's defense was impeccable, so he waited for him to make the next move. Minutes passed as they slowly circled each other, but Pierre made no offensive move. Jacques was growing tired of waiting, and he thought he saw an opening so he again thrust his sword toward Pierre. With cat-like reflexes Pierre sidestepped and quickly returned a thrust, striking Jacques in the other shoulder. Jacques reeled back, fearing that Pierre's defense was impenetrable. He hoped that if Pierre made the next move, he'd be able to counter and win the duel. So again they circled. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes went by, but Pierre didn't even feint toward an offensive move. By this time, Jacques had lost a considerable amount of blood, and was beginning to feel weak. He knew that if he didn't act soon, he would lose consciousness. So with every ounce of strength he had left, he let out a great yell, and with pain searing through both his shoulders, he lifted his sword high above his head, slashing it down toward Pierre with every fiber of his being. Pierre daftly deflected his blow as if it was nothing, and with lightning speed he thrust his sword straight through Jacques' chest. Jacques collapsed, and his loved ones rushed to his aid. He looked up at the faces of his friends and family, blood oozing from his mouth, and with his last breath, he said, ""what a bastsard.... all he does is riposte!""" +36547,1,"A couple has twins. If one is named Peter, what is name of second child? Repeater." +36548,0,I took a drug that gave me a hint of Tourette's... ...it was Ibuprofanity. +36549,2,"A man confronts his father After years of therapy a man has a break through and confronts his father. **Son** Father, I have been in therapy and realized that you have almost never told me the truth about any thing. **Father** Well, son, I must admit, looking back, it is true. **Son** ALMOST ALWAYS, Except, oddly, when ever you had just used the bath room. **Father** Again, It seems like you found me out. **Son** But why only then!? It is the question that sent me to therapy in the first place! The father looks at his grown son quizzically and responds ""I thought that was obvious, those were the only times I wasn't full of shit."" " +36550,4,"ROBOT FOR SALE A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, ""I did some homework."" The robot slaps the son. The son says, ""Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."" Dad asks, ""What movie did you watch?"" Son says, ""Toy Story."" The robot slaps the son. Son says, ""Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."" Dad says, ""What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, ""Well, he certainly is your son."" The robot slaps the mother. " +36551,2,I was very naive sexually. My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I send her off to Africa for six months. +36552,3,"I always found the idea of Batman to be laughable. But just in case, I shot the kid too." +36553,0,my friends carter and jack that's it. that's the joke. +36554,0,What do you call someone who is 25% British? Brit-ish +36555,2,My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note. +36556,2,What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full. +36557,2,A pirate told me to jump off his ship I told him I'd sea myself out. +36558,3,Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming! He's putting ICE everywhere! +36559,3,"I was having trouble finding a singing partner, so I bought myself a duet yourself kit." +36560,0,You have to stay in shape... My Grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. +36561,4,Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has pricks on the outside. +36562,5,"What's the worst part of my body? The spine, it really holds me back. " +36563,5,"A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time. ""How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"" ""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."" ""Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"" ""He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."" ""Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."" ""He died of a broken neck."" ""A broken neck?"" ""He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."" " +36564,3,Have you ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking intents. +36565,5,"My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend. Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then." +36566,0,What is an arctic animal's favorite drink? A polar beer +36567,2,"You know it's funny that a lot of Christians are against porn I mean hey, I'm not the one praying to a guy getting nailed!" +36568,1,A man ran into a bar He got knocked out and broke his nose +36569,1,"Palette Cleanser The first time Charlie ate dinner with his girlfriend's family, her mom prepared a huge pot of soup for the whole family. The dad, mom, and little brother were all there. Although Charlie couldn't identify the exact contents, it smelled pretty good, and Charlie hadn't eaten all day. Everyone was eager to eat too, so they all dug in with gusto. Charlie dug in too...and grimaced. The girlfriend's mom noticed the contorted look on Charlie's face, ""Is everything ok?"" Charlie: ""Oh yeah....yeah (cough) everything's super, this is real good Mrs. J."" Charlie's girlfriend looks at him knowingly, ""It takes some getting used to. It's an acquired taste."" Then Charlie's girlfriend's little 10 year old brother pipes up: ""How do you acquire the taste of shit?"" Charlie gasped, not believing what the boy had said. The silence around the table was deafening, but the dad after a couple of moments and another spoonful simply shrugged: ""Practice""." +36570,0,Why does Africa have alot of AIDS? It's from all that free aid from the west. +36571,1,Which STD is transmitted through sound... The clap. Yes this joke was just posted but I think my punchline is better. +36572,0,If you tickle the hoe with your dick she laughs with a harvest. +36573,2,Why was 8 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a 6 offender. +36574,2,A couple was having sex... **Man** Let's try anal once **Woman** Fuck that shit! **Man** That's the spirit! +36575,0,Why are dogs mans best friends? Because they're de OG +36576,2,"A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. ""Where are you going?"" demands the surprised husband. ""To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. ""What do you think you are doing?"" she screamed. ""I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!""" +36577,3,What’s better than Roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ. +36578,0,Pretty excited that I can get McDonald’s delivered. Now I can eat it while sitting on the toilet from the diarrhea it gives me! +36579,0,"A cryogenic experiment to freeze people at absolute zero just succeeded. I know because my friend took part in it. Don't worry, he's OK." +36580,3,[GOT SPOILER] Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is? Because his watch has ended. +36581,2,Did you know french fries aren't made in France? They're fried in Greece! +36582,1,"In medical school, you really do learn something new every day... ...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as ""seedless""." +36583,1,"Difference between rich, poor and dead man A rich man has a canopy above his bed A poor man has a can o' pee under his bed A dead man has no can o' pee (Never heard this one before from 89 year old father when asked is it an awning or canopy)" +36584,1,"What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause after a clause" +36585,1,"Two nuns are sitting on a park bench ... ... a man walks up to them, pulls down his pants and exposes his penis. One of the nuns had a stroke. The other one wouldn't touch it." +36586,0,"I love the study of languages, and am very keen in my analysis: I am a cunning linguist ;)" +36587,0,"Yes papa My father was a hard man to please. A strict diet and pills three times a day. Hours of massaging and ligament stretching. Pumping away for hours a day, pushing the limits. I will never forget his dying words ""go fuck yourself, son"" Someday I will make you proud papa" +36588,1,"I'm going to start a business in India, but have technical support staff in Boston. See how those bastards like it." +36589,6,How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb? Too. +36590,2,Why is Sean Spicer moving to Australia? He's gotten really good at roaming around the bush. +36591,0,The comments to posts in this sub are so annoying People seem to think they're punny +36592,1,"Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover? When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum." +36593,2,"at the ob/gyn's office..... a redhead, a brunette and a blonde all very much pregnant are sitting in their Drs. office waiting room talking. The redhead says she is going to have a boy because they did it when she was on top. The brunette says they are having a girl because she was on the bottom. They see the blonde crying ask her what's wrong... She says... wer're going to have PUPPIES!!! waaaahhhhh" +36594,3,What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey. +36595,3,Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was on the Six Offender's Register. +36596,6,"As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?” She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.” “Not even for coffee??”" +36597,0,What does a cow and a zebra both have in common? They’re animals +36598,3,"If you had a dollar, quizzed the teacher, ""and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"" ""One dollar."" answered little Johnny. ""You don't know your basic math."" said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, ""You don't know my father"" " +36599,5,"Best Friends (NSFW-language) My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when priority is given to kids and careers. Whatever it was, things were bad. We had not made love in months, nor gone on a date. We barely talked anymore. I was desperate but didn't know what to say or what to do. I was afraid we were near the end. So yesterday when she got home from work, I asked her to join me on the sofa. ""You know how we always said that we were not just husband and wife, but we're best friends?"" ""Yes."" ""And how we said that the best friends part of us should always be able to talk, even if the husband and wife part of us were struggling?"" ""Yes."" I could see her face soften a bit. ""Well, I just really need to talk to my best friend right now."" Her lip quivered a bit and she drew a deep breath. ""Okay, let's talk."" I sighed. ""Thanks... My wife is being SUCH a cunt these days."" EDIT: 2 words, 1 grammar-y bit." +36600,2,"Isaac Newton in court ""He hit me equally as hard back your honor!""" +36601,1,There’s a band called 1023MB. ### They haven’t had any gigs yet though! +36602,0,what do you call somebody with no body and a nose? nobody knows +36603,0,The 13-year-old that I am chatting with just told me she is an undercover detective How cool is that at the age of 13? +36604,2,"Lieutenant Mc Murphy was a Fighter Pilot during WW II, but they would never let him fly because he would crash his aircraft, shoot down his own men or screw up the Mission. One day the Captain called him to his office. He said "" McMurphy all our Pilots have been shot down, you are the only Pilot left"". "" I am sending you on a suicide mission"". ""There are 300 Jap Zeros heading our way I need you to fight them off"". ""If you survive I will promote you and give you every medal there is"". McMurphy takes off and downs all the Jap Zeros, makes a picture perfect landing on the Carrier, runs up to the Captains office and says "" Sir I'm here for my promotion and medals""! The Captains says "" Sore wa yoi baking diked kimi wa touch ni chigau fune""! Which means: That's fine but you land on wrong ship in Japanese!" +36605,4,"A Texan walks into an pub in Dublin... And lays ten €100 notes on the bar. ""I hear you Micks think you're pretty good drinkers. I'll wager €1000 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 1 hour. Any takers?"" said the Texan. The bar goes silent. The men turn away from the Texan and hide their faces. One man even leaves in disgust. ""Hmph, figures!"" said the Texan. He orders a beer and drinks at the bar. Ten minutes later, the man who left the pub in disgust comes back into the pub and approaches the Texan. ""Excuse me, sir,"" said the Irishmen, ""Is your wager still on the table?"" ""Sure is. Line 'em up barkeep!"" said the Texan. The bartender pulls ten pints and lays them in a row. The Texan starts a stopwatch and the Irishman starts drinking. One after the other, the pints disappear until ten empty glasses line the bar with 25 minutes to spare. The pub erupts in celebration and the Texan begrudgingly hands the Irishmen the money. ""One question,"" said the Texan. ""Where did you go for ten minutes 'fore you come back?"" ""Well, I didn't have €1000 if I lost,"" said the Irishmen, ""so I went to the pub down the street to make sure I could do it first.""" +36606,2,"My Grandfather My Grandfather is a really cool guy. He has a heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo." +36607,0,"A man was told he would be given $15,000 dollars to have sex with a possum. He said, “It can’t possumly be bad wit an ass like that!” “We call it possy in the woodlands.” “I pop possy all the time!”" +36608,1,"The greatest treasure wins Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor. For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of solid gold. The Wallawallas could never create a treasure to rival the throne, so they decided to steal it. But the Chief of the Ubangis learned of their plot, and decided to hide the throne on the second floor of his grass mansion, and to surround the mansion with guards. In the middle of the night, the throne crashed through the floor and crushed the Chief of the Ubangis to death. And the moral of the story is: He who lives in a grass house shouldn't stow thrones." +36609,3,"Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking: ""Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"" Then comes the Rabbi: ""Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"" Isaac: ""Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to be evicted by the landlord!"" Rabbi: ""Isaac, how much have you raised already?"" Isaac: ""I've got 1,000 Euro, Rabbi."" Rabbi: ""Alright then. This is a very important cause, helping a widow in need. I'll give you the remaining 500 Euro so you can help her."" Isaac: ""Wonderful, Rabbi! I thank you with all my heart, in the widow's name!"" Rabbi: ""You have a big heart, Issac. Tell me, is she a relative or something?"" Issac: ""No Rabbi, she's my tenant.""" +36610,0,What did Mexican Anakin say when he heard about the Catholic Priest sex scandals? Now *this* is Padre sin! +36611,0,How do you keep a club exclusively for straight edgers? You weed out the rest +36612,1,What do an optimist and a paraplegic have in common? They're not carried by *defeat* +36613,4,Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion +36614,6,"A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, ""Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."" The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, ""Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."" He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, ""Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."" The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, ""Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck.""" +36615,2,What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off +36616,0,"What's a redneck's last words? Hey, Watch This!" +36617,2,"Knock Knock Who's there? A mesh. A mesh who? You're not a shoe, you're a person." +36618,0,"TIL Hitler was a big fan of the Boy Scouts. In fact, he wrote a book about it titled *Mein Kampfire*" +36619,4,Reading all these jokes makes me go numb... But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number +36620,0,What did the butt say to the toilet? Shit. +36621,6,"Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot, Everyone can catch a cold." +36622,2,I had sex with a cop last night. She gave me a ticket for speeding. +36623,0,"Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking??? He was in possession of all the ""COOKIES""" +36624,5,I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. **She didn’t know I existed.** +36625,0,If I had a dollar for every school that didn’t teach taxes... +36626,2,What are parallel lines ? They are vegetarians because they never meat. +36627,1,"My ex, Denise used to write me angry letters. She was literally one letter away from becoming my Demise. " +36628,2,What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. +36629,1,"A guy is sitting on the toilet and drops a 5 dollar bill in the now sludge-like water. He looks at it and says ""Awe man, that's disgusting, I'm not going to stick my hand in that for 5 dollars!"" Then he takes out his wallet, pulls a twenty dollar bill out, and throws it in the bowl. ""But for 25 dollars I will!""" +36630,3,My ex girlfriend was like a pirate's quest... ...she had a sunken chest and always kept me searching for the booty. +36631,2,Why can't Trump form an arithmetic series? He's only got one term +36632,0,Two deer want to walk into a bar.... They can't fit through the door because their antlers are too big XD +36633,1,"There has been an explosion at the paint factory down the road where my brother works... He is missing, presumed red." +36634,3,"A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate. Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave. ""I'm not a very good pirate,"" he says to the captain. ""I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"" ""Aye Ronny,"" says the captain." +36635,2,"A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, ""What's the camel for?"" The Sergeant replied, ""Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."" The captain said, ""Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."" After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, ""BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, ""Is that how the enlisted men do it?"" The Sergeant replied, ""Well sir, they usually just use it to ride to town and pick up women...""" +36636,4,"A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby." +36637,1,"A guy walking down the street finds $20. A man is out of town on business, walking down the main street of a town he is very much unfamiliar with. As he passes by and is taking in all the sights he finds a 20 dollar bill on the ground. The man is happy with his luck and decides he will walk into a random shop and see what he can get with the money he found. He walks into a shady looking place and asks the man behind the counter, “what can I get for 20 bucks?” “Ohhhh well for $20 you can get our house special and come in back and fuck a turkey” “Why would I EVER want to do that?” the man asked “It is by far the best sex you’ll have, guaranteed or your money back,” replied the shopkeeper. The man contemplates for a while but decides he will spend the $20 bucks, it was free after all. After 15 min the man comes out from the back and is the happiest he has ever been, screaming and shouting how it was the best sex he’s ever had and how he’s coming back with MORE money. He leaves the shop and an hour later returns with $50. “ What can I get for $50?” the man asks. The shop owner says “oh well we have a deal of the day, spend $50 dollars and look into our magic telescope, it will let you see amazing things!” So the man pays the $50 and looks in the telescope to find he is watching two extremely attractive women having sex. “Oh wow! That’s amazing” the man says. “That is the greatest thing I have ever seen” The shopkeeper replies “I don’t know, about an hour ago I convinced some guy to pay me 20 bucks to fuck my turkey” " +36638,0,"The Mandalorian: (changing diaper) ”Wow, how can someone so small take a crap this big?” Baby Yoda: “Judge me by my size, do you?”" +36639,1,Just got back from the holiday of a lifetime. Never again. +36640,0,"Got a job at a trampoline centre. If anyone flips and tries to jump me, it's okay because I'll be surrounded by bouncers." +36641,0,"I miss when life was simple, before the bills & worrying about pleasing someone other than myself. Now it’s all bills..bills..bills, and “wait I need to cum too!”" +36642,0,Nazist walked into a shop what will he buy A toaster +36643,2,Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-Shells! +36644,1,"What did Lady Macbeth say to her dog? Out, damned Spot! Out, I say!" +36645,2,A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ... Key and Peele. +36646,3,How is Donald Trump going to shut down the department of education? By renaming it 'Trump University'! +36647,1,"So i used to work with a Muslim This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air. ""Please, please,"" he begged, ""don't let me drop!"" ""Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?"" I asked, ""Yes! Yes! Of course I will!"" he said. So I let him go. I'm not having anyone steal my breakfast" +36648,1,"Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed. The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: “and what would you like your new name to be son?” “DAVID Lipchitz.”" +36649,3,I had a blind date tonight Her name was ⠠⠙⠊⠁⠝⠁ +36650,1,"Wow, Tesla is ahead of schedule! They weren't expecting to blow up in China for the next few years!" +36651,1,People say I'm condescending That means I talk down to people. +36652,4,Why is Tumblr bad for you? Because it contains too much Transfat. +36653,0,With the amount of terrorist attacks involving vehicles I wonder if they are just really shitty drivers. +36654,3,"You can make jokes about anything, except Mexicans That's crossing the border." +36655,0,Two cannibals are eating a clown... One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?” +36656,2,Why is the outside of the International Space Station so clean? Because of the vacuum of space! +36657,0,"Did I plan for my 10 submitted puns winning the contest? No-pe, un-in-ten-ded." +36658,1,I became a proud dad today My son's actually 4 but he was pretty boring for the first three years +36659,2,Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back. +36660,2,Why is Germany the most grateful country? Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance +36661,1,Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the other side. +36662,3,Why can't you send sailors through the mail? You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him. +36663,4,Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives. My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it. +36664,2,"There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses. One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing. This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how perfect she and her dresses were. She began to spiral and in the process, slowly began losing her breath. After a few moments, she was unable to breath completely and became unconscious. When she regained her consciousness, she was still pretty traumatized but to her surprise she also found out that due to this incident, she had been awarded with her own place to live in. She thought that she is anyway not getting over her trauma so she might as well go to this place and try to live out the rest of her life peacefully and so she settled down in her new space. A few years later, a stranger intrigued by the stories he had heard paid her a visit. He was surprised to see how great the angel's place was and out of curiosity, quickly asked, ""How did you manage to get a place like this?"" ""Because you see"", she said, ""the area of a rekt angel is the product of its lint and its breath""." +36665,4,"Classic church joke An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, ""I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"" Her husband responded, ""Change the batteries in your hearing aids.""" +36666,0,Can someone help me figure out if I’m a millennial? I can’t Google it because my parents won’t pay the Internet bill. +36667,2,"They say Norio Suzuki died in an avalanche while searching for the yeti. But think about it for even a little bit, you'll realize this so-called avalanche is really just a massive cover-up." +36668,0,They say Muhammad Ali is the greatest boxer of all time But he couldn’t even beat Parkinson’s +36669,0,"Jack and his lady friend at the nursing home Jack and his lady friend at the nursing home are spending some quiet time together after dinner. They sneak into the woman's room and help each other get undressed. Jack asks, ""Is there anything you would like me to do for you?"" She answers shyly, ""I would love to be licked down there.” He kisses his way down her body but comes up quickly. ""It smells terrible down there !” ""Oh, that must be my arthritis,"" she says. ""In your vagina?"" responds Jack. ""No, it's in my shoulders. I can't wipe my rear end.”" +36670,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? So that it could get run over because it has had enough of raid shadow legends popping up everywhere on YouTube when it's just trying to watch some random shit. This is a bad joke. +36671,1,My English teacher always says my grammar's bad. But yesterday she missed a period. +36672,0,"A man goes up to his friend wearing a giant roll of toilet paper on his wrist His friend asks ""why are you wearing that on your wrist?"" He answers ""Some french guy sold it to me. He said it was a mega rolex."" Tp is french is rouleaux mega" +36673,2,At first I wasn't sure about my beard But it grew on me +36674,0,When chocolate entered the bar the nuts all hung around +36675,1,A cow got arrested... What do you call it when a cow gets arrested for money laundering? Moolaw +36676,2,I wonder how many chameleons.... snuck onto the Ark? +36677,3,TIL I know more words than Shakespeare Shakespeare. Albatross. Conglomerate. Sasquatch. Carnival. I have more... +36678,5,"if you commit a crime 90 times, if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times . . . . because sin90=cot45" +36679,1,Why wasn't the chef sad when he had a break-up? Cause he always loves when bay-leaves. +36680,3,"Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet." +36681,0,What do you call children born in whorehouses? Interns. +36682,6,"An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all ""B""s and ""C""s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there. After the first day at the church school, the boy, instead of putting off his math homework like he would do at the regular school, runs right past his mom, up the stairs, into his room and does his homework for several hours. The mother, slightly confused, doesn't think much of it. The next day, It's same story. He runs past his mom, up the stairs, into his room and does his homework for several hours. This happens every day and at the end of the week, the boy brings back a report card, with a smile on his face. The mother sees all ""A""s on the sheet. Curious, the mother asks, ""What was so different from the church school than the public school that made you work like this?"" He replies, ""When I walked in and saw that guy hanging up on the wall, I knew they meant business!""" +36683,0,Harry Potter and friends never caught Dumbledore's killer. It was a total Snape hunt. +36684,0,Alright christmas shopping is all done! For 2017 +36685,5,I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. +36686,0,Climbing Mt. Everest is great and all... ...but it's all downhill from there. +36687,0,"What do Pamplona, Spain and a pumpkin patch have in common? Everyone gets a little gourd." +36688,4,"If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you? An accident. " +36689,0,I like my woman how I like my burritos Wet +36690,5,"The speeding mand and the cop Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, ""Are you aware of how fast you were going?""  The man replies, ""Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.""  The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, ""Were you the one being robbed?""  The man casually replies, ""No, I committed the robbery.""  The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. ""So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?""  ""Yes,"" the man calmly says. ""I have the loot in the back.""  The cop begins to get angry. ""Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me."" The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.  ""Don't do that!"" the man yells fearfully. ""I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!"" The cop pulls his hand out. ""Wait here,"" he says.  The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, ""Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.""  The man replies, ""Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!""" +36691,2,"Beer is great! After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, ""Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."" He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, ""Give me a Coke."" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask ""Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"" and the Guinness president replies, ""Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.""" +36692,2,No matter how quick you pull out.. ..the ATM machine always beeps. +36693,2,My parents just told me... that they love me. +36694,1,"Yo momma so fat When the doctor drew her blood he said ""I can't believe it's not butter!"" " +36695,4,"A mother finds out she has cancer A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear. ""It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left"", the doctor says. The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch. At the brunch she announces, ""Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."" Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart. ""But mom"", the daughter protests ""You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"" Mom replies, ""Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father.""" +36696,8,"Excuse me, I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, ""You have some semen on the back of your jacket."" ""I'm sure it's not semen,"" she said, ""It's probably just yogurt."" ""It's definitely semen,"" I said, ""I don't ejaculate yogurt""" +36697,1,"I hope this isn't offensive, but I don't think D-Day was even all that bad. Seems like a walk on the beach." +36698,2,"Because of Politcal Correctness you can no longer say ""Black paint"". You have to say ""Jamal, will you please paint the fence?""" +36699,4,My sex ed teacher asked me how i view lesbian relationships. Apparently 1080p wasn't the right answer. +36700,0,Why did Johnny Cash write Ring of Fire after eating spoiled curry? Because it got his creative juices flowing +36701,5,Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives. +36702,0,Did you hear about the two blonde skeletons they found in the drive-in theater? They went to see “Closed for the Winter.” +36703,1,And for the rapture God said Christian Slater I will take some of my Christians now and some of my Christians Later. +36704,3,"Two chemists walk into a bar. One of them says ""I'll have H2O"" The second one says ""I'll have H2O, too"" and giggles. The bartender sighs, and gives both chemists hydrogen peroxide because he's fucking sick of people pulling that at his bar." +36705,2,My wife left me because of my obsession with Smash Mouth. I didn't believe her. But then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. +36706,3,"It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania... ..and clicked 'add to cart'" +36707,0,Comment The real comment is always in the joke. Edit: sorry for this awful joke. Edit: sorry for my awful English +36708,2,What do you call it when two short people do 69? ea +36709,1,Three men walk into a tattoo parlor... The first man asks for a tattoo of a four leaf clover on his dick because he loves to fuck Irish girls. The second man asks for a tattoo of a cross on his dick because he loves to fuck Christian girls. The third man asks to tattoo the entire GOP Tax Bill on his dick because he loves fucking poor people. +36710,0,What is the most dangerous animal? A T- Rex... He's licenced to carry small arms. +36711,1,"I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there. I just don't know what's gotten into me lately." +36712,4,"I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time. ""Excuse me, I just need the toilet,"" I said, excusing myself from the table. ""Don't forget to spray the air freshener!"" joked the dad. I said, ""No need. Cocaine doesn't smell.""" +36713,0,What did Donald Trump say about the fake cows? They were FAKE MOOS +36714,0,I can solve a rubix cude in 2 seconds It's just that I am colorblind +36715,1,She got drunk after I gave her a ring Apparently it was De Beers +36716,1,What is Donald Trump‘s least favorite seafood? Squid Pro Quo +36717,0,In 'Frisco the fog goes faster than the fuckin' taxis OF WHICH THERE ARE 5 +36718,0,Dark humor is just like food... Some people just don't get it +36719,5,"Mom wants her son to go to school. A mother was making breakfast for her son and when he didn’t come down for breakfast she went up to his room and said “come on, your breakfast is ready and you’re going to be late for school. From behind his closed bedroom door the son replies “ I don’t want to go to school.” Mom replies, “Give me three reasons you don’t want to go to school” The son says, ” First of all, I don’t like school. Second of all, the teachers all hate me and thirdly the kids all make fun of me.” The mother listen and being the rational person she is says “I am going to give you three reasons you are going to school. Number one, school is good for you. Number two, you’re thirty-seven years old. Number three, you’re the principal of the school....”" +36720,1,"Sodium Joke I wanted to make a joke on sodium, but *Na*" +36721,0,"What does Santa Claus say when he walks in and sees your mother, wife, and sister? Ho Ho Ho" +36722,4,HIV is roman numerals for high five Pass it on +36723,0,Why is it called a caucus? It's when we pick who's going to screw us over. +36724,8,I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me. +36725,3,I wanted to read more Now I watch game of thrones with the subtitles on +36726,2,"Damn, girl, are you a map? Because you give me D-rections." +36727,1,"Ya know you're from Tacoma when... Your niece sees velvet ropes and says ""Ooh , that's some really nice police tape""! " +36728,1,What do all the female reindeer do when Santa leaves with their guys on Christmas? They go into town and blow a few bucks. +36729,5,"A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.” " +36730,0,"I went to Google and searched ""synonym for ambiguous"" but the result was inconclusive." +36731,7,My math teacher called me average. How mean. +36732,2,What's a dracula's favourite part of sex Edraculating Say it out loud +36733,1,"When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doctor where I should put my pants.. ""Over there, beside mine"" wasn't the answer I was expecting." +36734,4,"Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow. ""What on earth is that, Holmes?"" ""It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson.""" +36735,0,"Getting myself a warm meal is a real sport, but it's okay. I always make sure to warm up." +36736,1,What did the frogs do to the broken car? They TOAD it away. +36737,0,What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. +36738,1,What do you call a gay Dinosaur? Megasaurass +36739,2,Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin? Bunch of dictators. +36740,2,"Three potatoes were standing on a street corner. Which one was the prostitute? The one stamped ""Idaho.""" +36741,1,I don't know why the villains of Gotham City can't prevent Batman. The answer is apparent. +36742,3,"I bought a racehorse today and I named him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, ""Come on My Face.""" +36743,4,I found my first grey pubic hair today. It wouldn't have bothered me but it was inside my Big Mac. +36744,0,You know what they say about the guys in the porn industry. They're all hard workers. +36745,0,"When I go out with a girl I always look in her eyes If she is not blind, I already know that I have no chance with her." +36746,2,Someone tried to steal my dyslexia music collection I nearly lost my hits +36747,1,I have a sandwich that can cook. It's bakin' lettuce and tomato. +36748,1,Doesn’t it happen to you that you gain 20 kg for an acting role... ...and then you remember you are not an actor? +36749,2,"A comedian was on vacation in London. A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the crowd. The comedian, having a gut feeling of a bad omen, walked towards the stranger who pushed past the security and ran straight to the Queen. With his quick reflexes, the comedian jumped and tackled the attacker, knocking him down and subduing him long enough for the guards to seize him. The Royal Family, grateful for the comedian's heroicism, thanked the comedian while the crowd applauded. The Queen, not wanting his effort go to waste, offered anything in return. The comedian denied her gifts and rewards, but the Queen was persistent. In her last effort, she offered him a dinner at the very least in the royal palace itself. The comedian mulled it over, and as he had no plans for the night anyway, accepted her offer. He was not able to wear anything half decent to the dinner. The guards mistook him for a beggar at first before the prince came by to grant him entry. When they entered the main hall, he was mesmerised by the extravagant display. Rare antique paintings line the walls, while a huge glistering crystal chandelier hung above them. It reflected every colour of the spectrum, casting rainbows everywhere. The prince led him to the dining hall where the dinner will take place. Right as they enter the dining hall, a group of high-ranking officials paraded the comedian with applause, something he could never say about his comedy career. He was escorted by a butler towards his seat, right across the crown prince and heir to the throne. The Queen began the dinner with a greeting to all. She acknowledged the presence of their saviour from earlier, this simple comedian, for his act of courage which saved them all. She went on about the duties of a knight, likening them to the bravery of this comedian. As he was getting bored by the Queen's long message, his eyes wandered off to scan the dinner table. An elegant, skillfully woven piece of tapestry lay atop the expensive ebony table. The plates were of the highest quality, luxurious enough to make the lamest meals look like gourmet. The cutlery were shining, absolute fine silverware and crafted to perfection. His eyes met the prince's plate, which was peculiarly out of place. It was but a cheap paper plate, the ones that can be bought in bulk for spare change. He was using disposable utensils, made of plastic that looks like it would snap the moment the prince applied force on it. Likewise, the princess was using the same cheap dinnerware, and seemed to be perfectly fine with it while the rest of the esteemed guests used the most expensive ones. The royal chefs enter the room carrying on their silver platters their meals for the night. It was the most exquisite steak the comedian has ever seen, smeared with sauce infused with herbs and spices from God knows where- this was their dinner. Behind the head chef was a line of assistants carrying individual side dishes to the guests and royal family. Their glasses were filled with expensive wine, emitting a strong scent. Meanwhile, a pair of lower-ranking cooks assisted the prince and princess with their food. They were having basic, poorly made spaghetti. The cooks sloppily scoop the sauce on top of their noodles, making a mess while they did. The Queen offered a toast to begin the dinner. The chattering of the guest died down as they began to enjoy their meals. The comedian is still bothered by the two heirs, who are eating such simple meals while no one bats an eye. While the others ate, he silently stared at the prince and princess eat their meals. The comedian leaned over to the Queen and asked, ""So what's the deal with the heir line food?""" +36750,2,My girlfriend told me she’s tired of ass play So we sold our donkey +36751,4,"A Lady visited a bar for the first time.. She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.. the guy sitting on her left said: ""Jack Daniels, Single"" the Guy on her right side ordered: ""Johnny Walker, Single"" now the bartender looked at the lady & said, ""And You?"" Lady replied: ""Yolanda, Married""" +36752,0,What do you call the circumcision of a rabbit? A hare cut! +36753,5,Why do few black people have a PhD? They have trouble getting past their masters. +36754,2,Being in a state of depression is one of the worst place to find yourself. But at least it's not Mississippi. +36755,4,"Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. ""Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over,"" said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, ""Nope, dat ain't Bubba."" Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. ""Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over,"" said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, ""Dat ain't Bubba."" ""How can you tell?"" asked the mortician. ""Cause Bubba had two assholes,"" replied Billy-Joe. ""Two assholes? That's impossible!"" said the mortician. ""Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!""" +36756,2,What square did the knight move onto A6 from? The square that it was on B4 +36757,0,Marriage is like smoking... we believed they are good at first. +36758,3,What did the mirror say to the icicle? If we had kids it would be a miracle. +36759,0,"What do Crosby, Stills, & Nash and Viagra have in common? They make it hard" +36760,0,My mate sadly drowned in a bowl of museli..... He was pulled in by a strong currant!! +36761,0,"Whats large, hairy and full of rage? My wife when she forgets her morning coffee!" +36762,0,How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse? She's the one with the dirty knees. +36763,0,"Cannibas is effective at managing anxiety symptoms in people suffering from acrophobia, Again proving it's a great way to get high." +36764,1,Screw this! I'm going to leave the original joke making to the professionals! Dane Cook... Amy Schumer... Carlos Mencia... +36765,1,"Why are there no female serial killers? Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone. " +36766,2,"My dad was a workaholic. You mention work, he got drunk." +36767,0,Why do you need a sword to protect your land? For the fencing +36768,2,If a cop pulls over a U Haul.... Is he trying to bust a move? +36769,3,You know what they say about gay relationships... One man's junk is another man's treasure. +36770,1,I beat my cock until it was sore today... Made brilliant chicken tenders! +36771,1,"My father wore the trousers in the family at least, after the court order." +36772,4,How can you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It’s not that hard +36773,0,What do hipsters smoke? Indieca +36774,0,What happens when you put E and A together? ElectroniCarts. +36775,0,"What does a cat that wants out of prison say? ""Let MEOWT""" +36776,0,I like my surfers how I like my fires... Stoked +36777,0,"I got talking to my neighbor the other day... ...we somehow got to talking about how he likes to drink brake fluid and has been doing so for the better part of the last 15 years. I was astonished, needlessly to say, but nonetheless remarked, ""So, would you say that you're addicted to that?"" He said, ""Not even. I can STOP anytime.""" +36778,3,"My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic." +36779,2,Why did the mirror's parents dislike it misbehaving? They were concerned about how it would reflect on them. +36780,1,"I was so addicted to ladders, using them to get high. Luckily, i found a 12 step program to get off." +36781,2,"I went to the worst restaurant last night The waiter was holding my steak down with his thumb. I said 'Excuse me, why are you holding my steak down with your thumb?' He said 'Well I wouldn't want to drop it again' " +36782,1,What did the gay Frenchman say to his boyfriend right before sucking his dick? Boner appetit. +36783,3,"I tried getting on a plane with a dead moose once. The attendant said I had to check it as luggage. I said, no it’s carrion." +36784,0,"Is it official now that Glenn Frey is running on empty? Too soon I know, I'm so sorry! My friend just said this and I couldn't help but laugh." +36785,2,Vagina Jokes Are Never Funny Period. +36786,3,If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight. +36787,2,Told my wife she was in an Egyptian river. But she was in Da Nile +36788,0,Are you a game developer? Because you sure are good at triggering people +36789,3,"A student asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom ""You can go to the bathroom after you recite the alphabet,"" replies the teacher. The student recites the alphabet: ""A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z"" ""Where's the 'P'""? asks the teacher. ""Dripping down my leg.""" +36790,0,Why did chicken cross the road? Because Intermediate value theorem +36791,1,Why do pirates use Reddit? because every subreddit starts with /ARRRRRR/ +36792,1,I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone... Now it’s Hans free... +36793,0,Do little people sleep? Or do they just take naps? +36794,0,What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey +36795,2,What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. +36796,2,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef +36797,1,I live in Alabama and can tell you that incest isn't as bad as you think I have 1 brother and 3 sisters. And none of them have had to ask me for sex +36798,0,What kind of service does United Airlines provide when there is a baby that won't stop crying? The infantry +36799,4,"the funniest story i have ever read must read My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. ""Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."" The silence in the taxi was deafening" +36800,4,What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has pricks on the outside. +36801,2,Never Go Shopping When You Are Hungry. but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier. +36802,0,"How much wood could Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck could chuck wood? Inconsequential, Chuck Norris would only need to look toward the pile of wood and it would go chuck itself. " +36803,0,I have no idea how to rob a bank So I went to In-N-Out Burglar +36804,0,What do you call a Baroque germ? A Bach-teria +36805,1,"This might be ‘too soon,’ but guess what’s not ‘on fire,’ ‘lit’ or funny. r/jokes" +36806,0,Who is Blackbeard's favorite author? George Arrrrrrrr Martin. +36807,6,"A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. ""I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."" The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. ""I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try"". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. ""I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"". " +36808,1,"A man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip and then tosses the rest into the bartender's face. ""I am sorry!"" He sobs.""i can't help doing that. It's so embarrassing!"" The bartender feels bad for the guy and gets him to agree to see a psychiatrist. Six months later he's back. "" Are you seeing the psychiatrist?"" The bartender asks, handing him the beer. ""Yes, twice a week. He's great,"" says the man,as he throws his beer into the bartender's face. ""Grate? You just threw another beer in my face"". ""True, but now it doesn't embarrass me."" " +36809,1,"So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answear, yes Patient: Whats the long answear? Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss" +36810,2,"Why do so many people want to see the Grand Canyon? Well, you can’t deny it’s just gorges. " +36811,0,John Quincy Adams is playing a card game ......Andrew a Jack. +36812,3,Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences. +36813,3,I’ve been smoking cigarettes for 25 years I just don’t know how I haven’t gotten addicted yet +36814,1,Dont call it the Zelda franchise Call it the Zelda chain because it has so many Links +36815,0,Please stop making 9/11 jokes ... they're very plane. +36816,1,"Two women are talking to each other, when one says to the other, ""Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?"" The other replies, ""Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it yesterday.""" +36817,3,What's the worst part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in +36818,0,"I see a lot of husband and wife jokes on here... Well my wife's perfect, she's a 10/10. She's so soft and cuddly. The sex is great, she always satisfies me and doesn't even ask me to do anything for her. My parents haven't met her yet. My wife is quite shy and often hides when they come over. She doesn't really have much say in a conversation, so its probably just as well. Normally she's buzzing with energy, but tonight she seems a little deflated. I thought she might be ill, until i discovered the puncture in her side. I couldn't fix her. I've got a new wife now. She's a newer model anyway, 10/10, perfect." +36819,0,"Christmas Is Coming. The older you get, the more this sounds like a Game Of Thrones quote." +36820,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the armadillo it was possible. +36821,1,"I suffer from sinistrophobia, fear of the direction left. But I’m making progress, my therapist is all right." +36822,3,"A Dog and a Butcher A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”. The dog points to some steak in a glass case and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice “Anything else” asks the butcher. The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher wraps up the steak and chops and puts them in the dogs mouth. He takes the money from a purse around the dogs neck and shows him out. A customer who has been watching in amazement follows the dog to a house where it jumps up and rings the bell. The owner comes to the door and the customer says “What a remarkable dog you have there” “Remarkable my arse” says the owner. “That’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his bloody keys!”" +36823,4,If Trump's hair sees it's shadow... the government shutdown will last for 6 more weeks. +36824,0,Today Happy fathers day kids +36825,1,I can’t believe there are not more anti vaxxer wide receivers. They will catch everything you throw at them. +36826,2,"Knock knock. Who's there? It's Amy. Amy who? It's amy, MARIO!" +36827,1,Women are not the property of men. Properties value goes up as it age. +36828,0,"My mom runs into my dad in the afterlife. ""Honey, where did your penis go?"" ""I gave it to my co-worker.""" +36829,2,A non-observable electron... ...went into two bars... +36830,6,"The Two Nuns There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. But the man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the pair split up, with Sister Mathematical heading towards the convent and Sister Logical running away from it. Making a quick decision, the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. But a few short minutes later, Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down....." +36831,1,I tried to read some books Trump wrote about business but they all ended in Chapter 11. +36832,0,Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day Give a fish a man and you're likely in trouble with the law. +36833,0,DNA is a wonderful product of evolution. You could say it's pretty GENEious +36834,0,I wish my cooking skills were more creative. What I'm saying is I wish I could cook outside the box. +36835,0,"What did the trans-gender, pan-sexual, gender-fluid ogre say to the heterosexual male ogre? Shrek your privilege!" +36836,0,"You know what they say, ""Big hands, big nose, big shoes...?"" Probably a clown." +36837,3,What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine. +36838,1,I would make a periodic table joke but... All of them Argon +36839,3,I like my women how I like my calculus: With limits. +36840,0,Whats the difference between a protester and a speed bump? I slow down for speed bumps +36841,2,"So here I am hanging out around the house, not wearing a bra, when my husband comes up from behind and grabs my boobs... ""Just trying to support my wife""...." +36842,4,What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha ching +36843,3,Why don't feminists need to change lightbulbs? Enough light comes through the glass ceiling. +36844,0,What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and my girlfriend? My girlfriend doesn't blow during the third period. +36845,0,A guy sees a girl with hot buns He shouts to her: Open Sesame! +36846,0,What do you call a dog with an amputated leg? Yard stick. +36847,0,What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both use their brains to paint the ceilings +36848,1,"Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Patient: Really? What color? " +36849,0,So i think my school is haunted The principal keeps talking about some school spirit +36850,0,Tried getting over my fear of clowns I've heard that people get over their fear of balloons by blowing them. Tried the same with my fear of clowns. Suffice to say it didn't work. +36851,1,What is a ninja's favorite thing to drink? WA TA! +36852,1,What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Huuuk +36853,4,Two weevils were in a fight... The loser was forever known as the lesser of two weevils +36854,2,"My wife told me to look at it from her perspective.., So i looked out the kitchen window" +36855,0,I literally just pooped my pants... I figuratively cleaned my poopy pants. +36856,0,"A Girl's First Time As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled." +36857,0,A jew decided to make his own alcohol Hebrew his beers. +36858,0,How to change ur Wife.... A new Writer published a book with wrong spelling cover title... 'HOW TO CHANGE YOUR WIFE'. Do you have any idea what's the correct title!!!! ©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©© +36859,0,My penis must be huge. Everybody says I'm the biggest dick they know. +36860,1,"Hmmm My dad once told me “you know masturbation causes you to go blind” I said, “dad I’m over here”" +36861,1,What did Facebook say to twitter about reddit? I’d love to tap that app +36862,0,"Even after all this time, my ex still answers my messages. \\- And what does he say? \\- Leave me the fuck alone, you creep! " +36863,1,Why can't beaches understand sarcasm? Because they take everything littorally. +36864,0,"Bet'cha $5 I can get her number. ""You're a fucking terrible prison guard.""" +36865,1,What kind of music does a fallen tree branch dance to? Log-rhythm +36866,0,People say I'm a great cook Despite the fact that I'm always doing it half-baked. +36867,0,Where do smart trees grow? In the brainforest. P.s. Sorry +36868,2,Is Reddit an echo chamber? Is Reddit an echo chamber? +36869,1,I wasn't sure how comfortable my new couch would be... ...but sofa so good. +36870,4,"Dad joke about phones.... A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells ""Dad should I take this"" The dad yells back ""who is it calling?"" Son: ""It says private caller"" Dad: ""Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!""" +36871,5,I painted my computer black so it would run faster Now it doesn't work. Edit: Should I have tagged this with something? New to posting here +36872,2,My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues. +36873,4,"To my dearest wife... A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon. In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked. The wife says to the husband, ""don't worry, you catch this flight and I'll catch the next one tomorrow morning"", the husband agrees and departs. To his delight, the hotel is exactly as it was all those years ago, with the only exception being that the room now has a computer. So he decides to type an email to his wife. But in his excitement he forgets one letter in the email address. One letter. Meanwhile, in a different part of the world, a widow is returning from her late husbands funeral. She arrives home, grief stricken and mourning. She decides to check her email. The emails are what you'd expect, the usual condolences from family and friends, the ""sorry for your loss"" messages and comforting emails from her loved ones. With the exception of one... The title of the email, ""To my dearest wife..."" Sceptical, she opens the email. It reads: ""To my dearest wife, It was such a shame I had to leave you behind today..."" ""I was surprised when I got here to find they've got computers now so you can send emails! I just thought I'd let you know I got here safely"" At this point the widow doesn't know what to make of this, but with tears in her eyes, she continues. ""Everyone here is very friendly and the room is lovely... And I'm looking forward to seeing you here tomorrow... Until then, my love, be safe and I'll see you soon"" The widows jaw drops to the floor as she reads the last line... ""PS, it sure is freaking hot down here!""" +36874,2,"If lightning always takes the path of least resistance, then why don’t all lightning strikes happen in France?" +36875,4,For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral... Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished. +36876,0,Why does Lil Wayne use an inhaler? Because he is a Lil Weezy :D +36877,0,Have you heard of Lloyd's of London? It rings a bell... +36878,2,Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs? It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg. +36879,1,"How many Brent Spiners does it take to screw in a lightbulb Hard to say, I don't have enough Data" +36880,0,Gay People Right... They're such a pain in the ass +36881,5,Sperm... Is just life in a nutshell +36882,2,What does a stripper do to her asshole before going in to work? She drops it off at band practice. +36883,0,What is worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans. +36884,1,A friend once asked me what the point of life was? Suffering and orgasms. +36885,1,I don't know how to small talk with dwarfs It's one of my shortcomings and I always talk down to them. +36886,1,Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale? A whale-weigh station! +36887,0,"If Apple released a phone made out of tree, would you buy it? I know iWood." +36888,3,How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents. +36889,1,What does a russian spy and a teenager have in common They both have erased history +36890,2,"A grasshopper walks into a bar. A grasshopper walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have one scotch thanks.” The bartender, amazed says to the grasshopper: “You know we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper looks at the man confused. “What, you have a drink named Kevin?”" +36891,2,I've heard that a plateau... Is the highest form of flattery. +36892,3,How come the boat couldn’t recite the alphabet? He’d always get lost at “C” +36893,1,What did Dj Khaled say to the barn owl? You talonted +36894,1,What does a delinquent horse want? A stable home +36895,2,My son looks just like me. With his eyes. xpost to /r/dadjokes +36896,3,"They say making hay is difficult... I don't know, it seems rather cut and dried..." +36897,1,TIL never deposit your marijuana in a bank account... Unless its a Joint Account. +36898,0,Whenever I see a female driving a Prius. I assume they are compensating for their huge vagina. +36899,0,"My wife kept breaking the washing machine: So I divorced her and it has not broken down since. So it's true what they say in the Advert: ""Washing machines live longer with cow gone!!." +36900,1,"A guy's girlfriend is having a hard time parking the car. He tells her ""You ought to get tested."" She says, ""Why? Am I that bad?"" He says. ""No. I've got chlamydia.""" +36901,0,How many optimists does it take change a light bulb? NONE! The butler changes the light bulb. +36902,2,I got a boner at my grandfather's funeral... His death has been very hard on me. +36903,0,What is Donald Trump's favorite drink? White Powerade. +36904,1,"My friend who does yoga told me she can out both her feet behind her head ""Wow"" I said to her ""Sounds like a stretch to me""" +36905,0,What do you call old stalkers? Loomers. +36906,2,"I'm in a hotel room and call down to the front desk and say, ""I gotta leak in the sink..."" The guy answers, ""Go ahead, the customer's always right..."" - H. Youngman" +36907,0,"Honey, does my butt look big in this? ""I'm not sure. Let me take a couple of steps back to get it all in.""" +36908,1,"I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will... What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. Original. One of the best lines from Celebrity Jeopardy SNL " +36909,2,"This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke Bartender: just have a bite Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!! Bartender: turn it around Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke! Few minutes later an older gentleman walks in and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender gives him an apple! Older guy: hmm excuse me, I said gin n tonic First guy: No no have it, this guy is like some sort of magician Barman or something Older guy confused takes a bite: Wow it taste like gin!! Bartender: turnnn it around Older guy: Wow! Taste like tonic! Gin and tonic First guy and the older man start talking about others things they can challenge the bartender with, something beyond drinks Older man: I haven’t been with a woman in a long time, I use to eat my wife out all the time i loved it, but she passes away. Guy: excuse barman! Can you get this man a taste of pussy! Bartender finds it weird but hands them an apple Older man takes a bite and spits it right out in disgust: WHAT THE FUCK!! This taste like shit! Bartender: tuurrnn it around ! Edit: typos" +36910,3,Why did the goose cross the road? To go be a dick to someone else. Geese are dicks +36911,2,I like my women how I like my coffee.... On a menu board with the prices next to them. +36912,0,What do you call a squid that plays with itself? An Ink-u-bater +36913,2,"The Lone Ranger's Last Wishes The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, ""So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger..., in honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days, but before we kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger said, ""I'd like to speak to my horse."" The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away. Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. ""You have a very fine and loyal horse, but we will still kill you in two days, what is your SECOND request?"" The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The following morning the Indian Chief said, ""You are indeed a man of many talents, but we will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"" The Lone Ranger responded, ""I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."" The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME... ""BRING POSSE!""" +36914,0,"A little black boy died, and when he got to the pearly gates God gave him a pair of wings. The little black boy looked up at God and said ""Wow, am I an angel now?"" God replied ""Naw, Nigga you a bat!""" +36915,1,What is a good reason to live in Kansas? Family. +36916,6,What do you call an illegal immigrant vs. a child molester? Alien vs. Predator. +36917,1,"A guy with two dicks goes to the doctor with his middle finger held in his fist. When the doctor asks he replies, ""because a bird in hand is worth more than two in the bush!"" Edit: I'm sorry for this atrocity. Just thought of it and wanted to share with someone haha. " +36918,0,Two Priests +36919,2,"Today I read about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and taking other drugs. I have now decided to stop reading." +36920,0,How can you tell if a Finn likes you? He's staring at your shoes instead of his own. +36921,2,What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex? So no head? +36922,2,My mom made a really good joke once Me. +36923,1,What is the similarity between a dog with no legs and a cigarette? You take both out for a drag +36924,1,What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your undies? Your grandma. +36925,1,"Everyone who has fought... a Roman Legion has died. That is mostly because of the time period since then. But, that is beside the point." +36926,2,What is Jesus‘s favorite sport La cross +36927,0,Ryan Lochte… more like Lyin’ Lochte...amirite? +36928,4,You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit. How did they get so far underground? +36929,2,Conjunctivitis.com Now there's a site for sore eyes. +36930,1,"Here, have a joke in Japanese ""What do you call a 'hen' in Japanese?"" ""Hen desu ne""" +36931,0,What's the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't go apeshit and stalk me for years when I put a couple of loads in it. +36932,0,"911 calls.. ""911, what's your Emergency"" Me: I'm dying (😂) ""where are you?"" Me: Not from Compton ""??? What city"" Me: England" +36933,2,"Chuck Norris Compilation Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it... Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. *favorite Chuck Norris did 5 successful suicide bomb missions Chuck Norris can in fact eat water. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together. Chuck Norris can hi-five himself with one hand. Once chuck norris and time had a race. The time is still running. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. " +36934,1,"In the year 2030, In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to develop in people around the world many times more often than it usually does. A cure for cancer was discovered a few years before, a special substance called Lithium Phosphorus Thymine (or LPT for short). But this substance was extremely rare. It costs around 5 million dollars to construct one dose of the chemical. Most patients were required to take the medicine daily for at least a month before being cured. One test subject had to be treated with LPT for an entire year before recovering! Obviously there was a problem. Humanity needed an easier way to obtain this substance. Millions of lives depended on it. And the answer came with space travel. After exploring an asteroid near earth, astronauts discovered something amazing, an enormous crystal of pure LPT, created by residual chemicals in the meteor reacting with the intense cold of space. Soon, more and more of these LPT-rich asteroids were being discovered and shipped back to earth, and cancer was eventually cured. It all goes to show that the real LPT is in the comets." +36935,1,"Interview Reporter: ""Excuse me, may I interview you?"" Man: ""Yes!"" Reporter: ""Name?"" Man: ""Abdul Al-Rhazim."" Reporter: ""Sex?"" Man: ""Three to five times a week."" Reporter: ""No no! I mean male or female?"" Man: ""Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."" Reporter: ""Holy cow!"" Man: ""Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."" Reporter: ""But isn't that hostile?"" Man: ""Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."" Reporter: ""Oh dear!"" Man: ""No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.""" +36936,1,Have you ever blown Bubbles when you were younger? Well he's back in town and had asked about you! +36937,0,What do you call Richard Nixon in a Roald Dahl book? ImPEACHment! +36938,2,"Stutterers A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves. The worst part was, they all had stutters. So she says to them, ""Listen, I can't stand listening to you guys any more. I'll tell you what. Tell me where you're from. If you can say it without stuttering, I'll blow you. But if you can't, you have to leave. Deal?"" ""D-D-Deal!"" say the guys. So she says to the first guy, 'Where are you from?"" The guy concentrates, screws up his face and says, ""T-T-Tampa!"" ""One down,"" says the girl. ""Adios. Next?"" The second guys concentrates and concentrates and finally says, ""OrlanD-D-D-o!"" ""Two down,"" says the girl, and turns to the third guy. ""How about you?"" The guys says, ""Miami."" Well, what can a girl do. She gets on her knees and starts blowing him. Just as the guy is coming, he says, ""B-B-B-Beach!""" +36939,0,A trigonometry professor attends a frat party at UCLA I heard he wore a soc-alt-oga. +36940,3,"Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy ""I've got another dress for you to clean."" Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, ""Come again?"" ""No,"" says Monica. ""Mustard.""" +36941,1,Your dick is like quicksand It makes me go down +36942,1,"I went to my boss and asked if I could talk to him about a problem. ""We don't have problems here, we have opportunities"" ""OK"" I replied, ""I have a serious drinking opportunity""" +36943,2,"What a man deserves. A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, a woman who can fulfill his desires, and a woman who can cook. Most importantly, he must make sure these women never meet each other. " +36944,2,Someone hit someone with a knife between his fingers. I guess you could say he...Spiked his punch. (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ +36945,1,What do you say when a gorilla rips you off? Ask for your silverback. +36946,6,"6 signs that you had one glass too many 1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards. 2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles. 3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper. 4. Someone called you an asshole. But you are not sure... Maybe not an asshole. Or maybe not you. Anyway, you should teach these bastards a lesson!! 5. Barman doesn't want to take your money. He says that's not what money looks like. 6. You tried to tie your shoelace, but it electrocuted you." +36947,2,My friend told me to blow him I'm not a fan +36948,0,What do you do if you're swallowed by an elephant? Run around in circles until you're all pooped out +36949,6,"I now understand the 52 genders Male, female, and 50 shades of gay" +36950,0,What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate. +36951,2,"An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall... They were amazed by almost everything the saw, especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asks his father,""What is this thing father?"" The father responded,""Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life,I don't have the slightest clue."" While the boy and his dad continued to watch,an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and entered a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his dad watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch as the numbers began a reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.The father said to his son,""Go get your mother.""" +36952,0,What's a Hindu? It lays eggs. +36953,1,"Why is this sub a great representation of reddit? Because every time you see a post, you've probably already reddit before." +36954,0,Comorbidity Why did the monkey fall out the tree? Because they was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Because they was stapled to the monkey. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. +36955,0,"Do you like tapes and cd's? Good, cuz imma gonne tape my dick to your forehead so you can see deez nuts." +36956,4,A good pun... A good pun is its own reword. +36957,0,"You really gotta give it to the greats of baseball, They really knocked it out of the park." +36958,4,Why are all programmers drug addicts? Cause they do a lot of codeine. +36959,4,"A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs. A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: ""You must be single."" The man replied: "" Wow, how did you know?"" Cashier: ""Because you're ugly.""" +36960,5,"The motorcycle There was a young stud with a vintage motorcycle. He loved his motorcycle! The only problem was, the leather on the seats had aged, and any time it rained he would have to rub the seats with petroleum jelly to protect it from the weather. He meets a girl, and after some time together, she decides to take him to dinner at her parents’ house. The night of the dinner, the new girlfriend tells the young motorcycle stud about the “rule” during dinner. The rule is that whoever talks during dinner has to wash every dish in the kitchen. She explains that no one has talked during dinner for years, and there are piles upon piles of dishes in the kitchen. Sure enough they get to the parents’ home and the kitchen is an even worse disaster than the girlfriend had described. The parents and the young couple enjoy some friendly small talk before dinner, but as soon as they sit down at the table, not one sound is made. The young stud decides to have a little fun with the situation. He throws his girlfriend on the table, pulls her pants down, and starts making passionate love to her. The girl’s parents are noticeably angry. But no one utters a word. Having gone this far, the young stud decides to push his luck a little further. He grabs the mother and starts having sex with her. The mother is a little surprised, the girlfriend is mad, and the father is furious, but no one says a word. All of the sudden, it starts to rain cats and dogs. The young stud reaches into his bag and grabs his petroleum jelly. The father throws down his napkin, stand up and says, “Alright, alright, I’ll do the dishes!” " +36961,0,"The new Battlefield 1 looks so damn good, you could say... They just knocked Call of Duty into space." +36962,1,So I went to this restaurant called Pelican's... food was great; huge bill though. +36963,2,Eyedrops. Com It's a site for sore eyes +36964,1,Why couldn't the ginger bread man walk? Because he had crummy legs. +36965,1,I used to be really interested in drilling holes Now I just find it boring. +36966,1,"‘No, there is no incest in Alabama.’ Said the woman I met at the bar. ‘Don’t believe me? Ask my mother, father and uncle. Both are at home.’" +36967,7,What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? About one U.S Leader. +36968,2,Cheese & Milk Just as I was getting home last night a guy hit me with a block of cheese. I thought that wasn't very mature. He then ran over and pour milk all over my head. I thought HOW DAIRY!!! +36969,0,What do you call it when someone becomes king of the pool? A Chlorination +36970,1,Made my wife Heinze Alphabetti for dinner... ...but she choked on the D +36971,1,What do you call an Italian hooker? A pasta-tute. +36972,2,"I usually spend holidays at the brothel I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money." +36973,0,What do you call a drug addicted duck? A quack-head +36974,0,"When you get a notification on reddit... for the longest time I thought ""show parent"" would send an email to my mother..." +36975,2,People always give bridge builders a hard time... They're just trying to make ends meet. +36976,5,What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house? Indoor Fins +36977,0,What's does Trump and Putin share? The same staff +36978,1,You find a large grouping of furries in the wild. What're they called? A convention. +36979,2,"What dictator is a paradox? Stalin, because he's Russian." +36980,0,What do you call a Latino eating canned lunch meat? hiSPAMic +36981,0,"I used to be an adventurer like you... ....until I was snapped back to reality. Oh, there goes gravity Oh, there goes rabbit, he choked He's so mad, but he won't give up that Easy, no" +36982,6,"I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes... I still do, but I used to too" +36983,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it can't fly. +36984,1,I'm kinda the family clown Because everyone in my family laughs at me +36985,0,"What did the skinny Cuban say to the fat American? Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing! Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world..." +36986,2,What drug was the duck addicted to? Quack cocaine +36987,1,What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And probably use some lube. +36988,0,Elon Musk is making an American muscle car... He's calling it a Muskang. +36989,0,What happens if you befriend Karl Marx while watching a rug merchant's scam? He becomes your Con-rad. +36990,2,I got a car for my girlfriend best trade ever! +36991,1,"It's warm here, but every workplace window is bolted shut I'll never work again as a submarine captain!" +36992,2,"I had to have my left leg and arm amputated. That's not what I thought the doctor meant when he said I was going to be ""all right""" +36993,5,"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing." +36994,1,"My grandfather died happy, doing the job he loved. Much happier than the passengers on his bus when he died." +36995,2,"The Black Sheep A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science. One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!” The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.” The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white chil" +36996,2,I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants... because of the ballroom. +36997,5,"A man walks into a bar, and... ...asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says, ""Sure, but only if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke."" So the guy says, ""A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says, 'Sure, but only if you can tell me a meta joke.' So the guy says, 'A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says sure, but only if you can tell me a joke. So the guy says, What do you do when you see a space man? You park, man. So the bartender gives the guy a free drink.' So the bartender gives the guy a free drink."" So the bartender gives the guy a free drink." +36998,3,Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. +36999,1,A Skeleton walks into a Bar. He asks for a pint of lager and a mop and bucket. +37000,0,"A guy meets a woman who is 100% American. One day, a guy met a girl who said that she is 100% American. He has a nice chat with her and finds her quite pleasing. He ends up asking her out on a date. First he takes her to starbucks in the evening and then go to a restaurant. However, he becomes very curious as to why she wouldn't tell him her ancestory. He uses this opportunity to analysis her behavior and looks and tries his best to figure out what she most likely is. First, he figures that she is is at least 50% Caucasian because she asked for pumpkin spice latte but she was not wearing a stupid scarf. Second he figures that she must be 30% Irish because she loved to gab, and but apparently thinks potatos are too ""starchy."" Third he figured that she has to be 10% Canadian because she loved maple syrup but never heard of Tim Hortons. But he simply could not figure out what the last 10%. He decides to not investigate further. After the date the woman askes the guy if she could drive his car as she found it quite amazing. Finding no reason to say no, he gives her to keys. She ends up ramming the back of car against the street light. The guy thinks to himself, ""i guess that 10% was Asian.""" +37001,1,"Psychiatric ward: A new patient is introduced. Nurse: ""Welcome! Would you tell us a little about yourself?"" Patient: ""Alright. I am the last prophet among mankind."" Nurse: ""Well, ain't that something! Who told you this?"" Patient: ""God Himself."" -A deep voice could be heard from one of the patients in the back: ""I never told you that!""" +37002,0,People are making such a big deal about going to Mars but I’ve already gone to Uranus and I’ve only gotten shit for it. +37003,0,"I like weird food combinations, but if you serve me blackcurrant pancetta I'd take that as a cassis belly" +37004,2,Why is pumice asking for money? It is the porous rock +37005,0,One thing that annoys me is that I tend to repeat myself I just keep saying things I’ve already said. +37006,4,What do Asians do when they have an erection? They vote. +37007,1,How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Mothe.. Sex...SIX! +37008,3,I got robbed by robbers while driving my car the other day. I guess you can call them the pirates of the car-I-be-in. +37009,0,"heard of the unhappy beverage? Yeah, he was soda upset :(" +37010,0,"Dad if the Jews believe in heaven why do they care about money so much? ""Well son, the jews gather shekels so relentlessly because they hope to purchase the afterlife from god, and then evict him from the property""." +37011,0,What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods. +37012,1,What do you call an artificial intelligence that's shy? Self-conscious. +37013,2,"You think you can escape Stalin's prison camps? Hah, gulag with that." +37014,3,How does the rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson. +37015,1,"What did one melon say to the other? ""Honeydew love me??"" ""Yes! But I... Cantaloupe""" +37016,1,"What does Bear Grylls say before serving his guests lemonade? ""Urine for a treat""" +37017,3,The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given. That'll cause riots. +37018,1,Me sobbing uncontrollably Me (sobbing uncontrollably):- I don't want to see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again. Trainer:- It was a sit-up. You did one sit up!! +37019,3,They arrested the overweight soap maker Apparently he was a big fat lyer. +37020,2,Why do you need to explain jokes to short people? To make sure it doesn’t go over their head. +37021,1,"This weird and ugly girl was a dealer. She used to sell bee vomit infused with marijuana. Her business was good but as she was ugly, she was still a virgin. One day she decided to change the things way they were, to get it down on with. But because of the bee vomit infused with marijuana business she was really busy and couldn't really find time for herself; to groom herself. To her the bee vomit infused with marijuana business was as important as her sexual satisfaction, after all it was the question of her honey pot. " +37022,0,Donald Trump is sponsoring a new breakfast side dish. Dic-tater tots. +37023,0,I just started a prostitution delivery service. Its called Uber Skeets. +37024,0,I almost bruised myself yesterday It was a missed ache +37025,2,Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a light bulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES OK!!! +37026,0,"Anges has recently been fired from his job. Anges has recently been fired from his job, so he's begun his search for a new one. After many days of looking with no luck, one of his friends, Nate, tells him about this neato job as a yard cleaner for a private neighborhood. Not really seeing any point in declining, Anges agrees. The first day of the job, after going through a couple easy (although a bit strange) interviews, he officially meets his boss, Mr. Mass. Mr. Mass shakes his hand firmly, and welcomes him to the team. “Hey Anges, nice to have you here! Now, I know you know this already, but I'll just go over it with you one more time; we work for various private neighborhoods and do basic yard maintenance, like mowing lawns and such. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it in no time!” He pats Anges on the shoulder and heads off somewhere else. Anges heads off into another room and runs into his friend, now coworker, Nate. “Hey, welcome abroad! Don't worry about all that casual stuff,” he motions to the tie Anges was wearing. “We're gonna be getting a bit dirty in this job, yard work and all. You wanna dress for the occasion!” He gives him a pat on the back as well and leads him off to meet the other workers. A couple of days later, the two are out in a neighborhood mowing the lawns. Nate and Anges are on one yard, and Mr. Mass is on another yard. Their coworkers are spread throughout the rest of the block. Anges looks over the fence to Mr. Mass and decides to crack a joke about the sunny weather. Mr. Mass looks up at him and points angrily. “Hey, dumbass! Get back to work or it's coming out of all our paychecks!” He yelled, adding a couple more insults to his berating. Anges is very taken aback, as Mr. Mass had been a lot nicer when he'd first met him. He turns to Nate and asks him about it. “Hey, Nate, what's going on with Mr. Mass?” He asked. Nate turned to him. “Aw, sorry about that, Anges. We shoulda warned you about Mr. Mass during work.” “What, is he just a little feisty under the sun?” “Yeah, pretty much.” Anges looked over at Mr. Mass again. “Well, this is kinda sucky now, I thought he was nice.” “He is! It's just, you know. The Mass is always meaner on the other side of the fence.” " +37027,0,I was going to make a procrastination joke But I never got round to it +37028,3,"What did the doctor say to the dwarf in his waiting room? ""You're just gonna have to be a little patient.""" +37029,0,"Open wide ye heavenly gates! Open wide ye heavenly gates! For Father suffered in passing through, and Mother weighs much more. -Gravestone" +37030,5,What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common? They don’t give shots to babies. +37031,4,We must follow our policy. . . I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy. +37032,0,"What's 2 + 2? A company was hiring, and had the selection down to a mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician. They called the mathematician in, and asked him what 2 + 2 was. He said, "" well, in base 5 and up, it's 4, but in lower bases, it could be 10 or 11 or 100. They called the engineer in and asked him what 2 + 2 was. He said, "" theoretically, it's 4, but it's actually impossible to create a 2 inch rod and another 2 inch rod and place them end-to-end and get 4 because of measurement precision, temperature, etc."" They called in the statistician and asked him what 2 + 2 was. He leaned in close, squinted his eyes and grinned a little, looked right and left, then said, ""what do you want it to be?""" +37033,0,What's the difference between a face and a toilet? You know who else doesn't know the answer? R. Kelly! +37034,0,Yo momma so stupid... ... She didn't realize this was a repost! +37035,4,I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes. Can't stand movies with that much gore. +37036,1,Why don't pc gamers get laid Because they're micro-soft +37037,2,Why are women so bad at parallel parking? Because men have been trying to convince them that 3 inches is 6 inches since the beginning of time. +37038,1,"Prince What have you come dressed as, Charlie?” “A Prince...” “...That’s not very scary.” “...Andrew” “Oh”" +37039,0,Why do genies give three wishes? You would be amazed what some would do if to have someone rub one out! +37040,0,"A young ATF agent is tasked with inspecting all the farms in a particular area. He pulls up to farmer Joe's and after flashing his badge the agent asks Joe if it is ok for him to take a look through some of the fields on the farm. ""Go ahead"" says Joe ""But I would stay out of the east field out back"" The agent is eager to flex his new power pulls out his badge and looks Joe in the eye and begins ""This badge gives me the authority to search anywhere I see fit. Now what is in that field that you don't want me to see?"" Joe shrugs and says ""Nothing interesting just an ornery old bull"" The agent waves his badge at Joe one more time and says ""That is a likely story. I'm going to go have a look at that field."" With that he marches off and into the east field. The agent is only a few steps in when the bull sees him and charges. Joe yells ""SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE"" " +37041,2,"Just overheard a young boy tell his friend this joke What do you call a corn dog with no legs? A *corn dog*, stupid! Corn dogs don't have legs!" +37042,2,"The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future. He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual. All of a sudden she gets terrified. Her face goes white and she is clearly very scared. ""W-what is wrong?""- Hans get worried too. ""You have very dark future. Only today, you will destroy so many lives. You will kill so many people in just one day. You poor, ugly soul. Leave my place now""- the lady was upset and mad at the same. She kicked Hans out and his day just got ruined. He went for a walk, thinking. He decided that he will not do anything that day. He will not interact with anything and won't go anywhere where he should talk with people. He decided he will spend his whole day walking by river. So he does. After few hours of walking by river he hears loud screaming by woman. She is screaming ""HEEEELP. MY SON IS DROWNING AND I CANT SWIM HELP PLEASE"" and he looks at the river where young boy is fighting the water with the last bits of energy. ""Maybe the seer was wrong. I will save this boy and prove I am not bad person.""- Hans thinks to himself. He then jumps into water, quickly swims to the boy and pull him to the shore. The boy swallowed too much water and after coughing it out he is fine. ""Yeeees, I did it. I saved someone and didnt do anything wrong. The seer was 100% wrong.""- he thinks to himself again. Meanwhile, the boys' mother comes to him and starts hugging him. ""Ooh I love you. You are beautiful person, you saved my son and I am grateful to you forever. My name is Klara...."" she then turns toward her son ""....Adolf, did you thank this person for saving your life?""" +37043,0,My wife and I have stopped eating that Chik-fil-A because we have good friends who get that Dik-fil-A. +37044,0,"The summer Farmer John had his nephew visit A farmer has his brother's youngest son staying with him over the summer. His nephew is from a large city a few states over and has never seen anything of country living. One afternoon, while sharing lunch with some close friends the nephew rushes into the living room where everyone is and exclaims ""Uncle Johnathan, there's a cow fucking another cow!"" everyone has a good chuckle, even Uncle Johnathan. Later on the farmer pulls his nephew aside and explains ""James, that was a bull, not a cow and that word, the f-word, isn't anything you should be saying at your age, and it's best to avoid saying it at all if you can. If you see something like that again, say 'surprising' instead, I'll get your meaning"" The boy nods and goes on enjoying the countryside and his uncle's farm. Closer to sundown the boy rushes into the living room again and exclaims ""Uncle Johnathan, Uncle Johnathan! There's a bull surprising the cows!"" the farmer nods and replies ""Thank you for telling me Jimmy, but that's a common thing on a farm"" the boy incredulously asks ""It's common for a bull to fuck a horse?!""" +37045,0,"The question that turns me on... “...hey, you got a lighter?”" +37046,1,"A young Native American brave was curious about how he received his name, so he went to ask his father, the chieftain of the tribe. ""Father,"" he asked, ""how is it that I acquired my name."" ""Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly."" ""Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard."" ""But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?""" +37047,0,What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg. +37048,0,"I had a dream last night that it was my 21st birthday, but I don’t really remember it so you know already know I had a good time" +37049,0,"Border official: Show me your visa. Me: Sorry, I only have one." +37050,1,"wanna hear a story? once upon a time, a kid had a dolphin doll fin." +37051,3,"A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, ""Wow, nice legs!"" She is flattered and replies, ""You really think so?"" The man says, ""Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.""" +37052,0,You know you are lazy when ... You get excited about cancelled plans. +37053,4,"A teacher hands out Jolly Ranchers to her kindergarten class... And she decides to make a game out of it. ""We'll all eat the candy at the same time, and whoever guesses what flavor it is first wins a prize!"" They all try the first Jolly Rancher. ""Grape!"" shouts little Suzy, and she wins a prize. The second Jolly Rancher takes them a bit more thinking, but eventually little Johnny figures it out: ""Raspberry!"", and he wins a prize. The third Jolly Rancher stumps the entire class: it's honey, a new Jolly Rancher flavor. The teacher watches them all suck away, thinking what it could be. She decides to give them a hint: ""It's something your parents call each other,"" she suggests. Suddenly little Timmy spits his out in disgust. ""Don't swallow it guys!"" he shouts in terror. ""It's asshole!!""" +37054,1,I always leave Chinese restaurants overstuffed and bloated. I eat till I’m full and dim sum. +37055,1,"My parents don't know I'm still living in their basement. Every night I hold real still when Mom comes to cry over me in bed, and yes, it is definitely worth the free rent." +37056,3,"I remember when I was younger, I had a Chinese art teacher who told me he could tie a knot with his intestines by swallowing a piece of string. I told him how ridiculous that sounded, so he reaches into the back of his pants and says ""I shit you knot"". " +37057,2,So i went for a walk with a girl the other day- ... but then she noticed me and it turned into a run +37058,3,"A man walks into a store... ...and sees a man yelling at a visibly distressed cashier before leaving the store disgruntled. The man walks to the cashier and asks her if she is ok. ""Yeah, it's just that some people can be really mean sometimes"" ""Oh, trust me, I know. But anyway, could I buy a postcard?"" ""Oh, of course, big or small size?"" ""Big, but please hurry, my bus is leaving soon."" ""Of course sir, but do you want one with a picture of the city or nature?"" The man sees the bus has arrived at the station. ""Nature, but please hurry"" ""Ok sir, do you want one with trees or one with animals?"" The last of the passengers are on the bus and the doors are closing. ""Whatever, animals, just please hurry!"" ""Ok, what animal, we have elk, bears, eagles..."" ""EAGLES, just hurry up, please!"" The bus is leaving the station ""Ok, sir, do you want one where the eagle is in its nest, or when its flying?"" ""Just give me the flying one, my bus..."" At this point, the man that had stormed out earlier enters the store, carying a shit in his hand. ""TOILET PAPER FOR THIS KIND OF SHIT!""" +37059,0,"Have you seen that fisherman? I don't know about you, but i think he's a reel catch." +37060,4,"My wife asked me if I would ever answer my phone during sex... I said ""Yes, but only if it's you calling...""" +37061,0,Shopping Cart racing Every time I see someone racing their shopping cart down the parking lot I secretly hope they run into a car. Wham! +37062,0,"A Belgian guy enters a French bar and asks for a Diet Coke The barman says “I’m sorry we are out of those, is it ok if I give you one zero?”" +37063,0,Three men walk up to a bar. Two get concussions. The third ducks. +37064,1,I know a great 'knock knock' joke but you have to start it. Who's there? +37065,0,What do you call a Magician with a Parrot? Pollygone +37066,0,How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg! +37067,10,"Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. ...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. ""You see, "" Carl says ""for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components."" Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: ""For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."" So Jim asks, ""Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"" Carl says ""Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."" Jim, disgusted, says ""You have *got* to be kidding me!"" And Carl says ""I shit. You knot.""" +37068,1,You are what you eat but i dont remember eating a dude with short term memory loss +37069,5,"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." +37070,4,"How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty." +37071,4,"If smells are nostalgic, does that mean they’re ... Scentimental?" +37072,0,"A frog goes to the bank to get a loan He then sits with the loan officer named Patty Wack. The frog then explains that he needs to get a loan to start his own business. Patty looks the frog over and says, ""We don't give loans to just anyone that walks in here, tell me about yourself. Also, you need collateral to get a loan this large, what do you have to offer?"" The frog thinks for a moment and says, ""Well my father is Mick Jagger. And as for collateral I have this!"" He then puts a small golden statue of Big Ben on the desk in front of Patty. Astounded, Patty explains that she will need to talk this over with the bank manager. When she finishes explaining the situation to him she gives him the statue and says, ""Well what do you make of this whole thing?"" He thinks for a moment then replies ""It's a nicknack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."" " +37073,3,When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice. +37074,0,"My friend died last night while driving He called me to say that he had evidence to put Hilary Clinton in jail but I'm not worried she had him killed. Hey cool, a red dot." +37075,2,What's a nazi eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles +37076,2,"Lost my watch at a party.. And then saw some guy stamping on it whilst sexually harassing a girl. I went over and punched him straight on the nose. Nobody does that to a girl, certainly not on my watch." +37077,7,"If babies are delivered by a stork, Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane." +37078,2,A doctor unnecessarily cut off a man’s leg It was a baloney amputation (my own original joke!) +37079,2,"comes into a coffee shop... A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights” The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!” “No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up.” “Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says “What are the beans for?” The waitress replies “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up.” Edit: screwed the title" +37080,0,What's a shitpost dad? Respond to this post or else your mother will die in her sleep tonight +37081,1,What does a gypsy drive? A mini copper +37082,0,What did the suicidal geometrist say when he went to his drug dealer's hardware store? Hi pot and noose please. +37083,1,The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip? Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen. +37084,0,"What was Soviets' response to ""Mein Kampf""? Our Kampf. " +37085,0,What's comparable between Nazis and old people? They both have bad gas. +37086,2,"Another Penguin Joke A police officer sees an old man walking down the street with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and says, “Where did you get that penguin?” and the old man replies, “Oh, I found him a few days ago on a walk through the park, he’s my new friend!” The officer tells the old man, “Sir, I want you to take that penguin to the zoo, right now!” and the old man nods and walks away. A few days later, the same police officer sees the old man with a penguin under his arm. He stops the man and asks, “Is that the same penguin you had before?” and the old man says “Yes, isn’t he cute?” The officer asks, “Didn’t I tell you to take him to the zoo a few days ago?” And the old man smiles, nods, and replies, “Yes, I did, and today I am taking him to the movies!”" +37087,3,I like my work like I like my steak Rare and definitely not well done. +37088,3,"John and Mary are having in an argument. John and Mary are in the middle of an argument as to whether or not it'll rain later that day. Two hours of bickering and John suggests they go ask their Russian neighbour, Rudolf. Rudolf listens to their story and replies that it'll definitely rain by 6 pm that evening. Lo and behold! Dot at 6, the first drops of rain patter across the window. Mary is amazed and asks John how he knew to ask their neighbour and how in the world was he so accurate? ""Well"", said John, ""Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear.""" +37089,1,"[Job interview #2] Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest strength? Me: Yes Interviewer: What? Me: Sorry, I thought you asked if I was listening" +37090,3,What food ruins sex? Wedding cake +37091,2,Now that women can drive in Saudi Arabia there are going to be more car accidents. Because there are more drivers. +37092,1,What's the difference between Bad Jokes and Dad Jokes? One starts with B and the otber starts with D +37093,0,"I just heard about Matthew McConaughey's sex drive. Apparently, he can go ""All night. All night. All night.""" +37094,1,Two guys walk into a bar.. I thought the second guy would've ducked +37095,1,"A man's car breaks down near a monastary. He goes to the door and knocks. The Friar opens the door. The man asks for a place to sleep. The Fiar replies,""pay us."" The man, low on money asks why. ""It's to provide a sense of pride and accomplishment for people who find a place to sleep."" " +37096,2,I didn't understand why my friend got a new mouse... But then it just kinda clicked. +37097,1,"What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling." +37098,0,Gandr: An app for meeting fellow geese enthusiasts. +37099,4,What does a Lawyer get when you give him viagra? Taller +37100,2,What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes? Soviet bread line. +37101,3,"Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D" +37102,1,What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey +37103,0,A storm was brewing in a forest inhabited by wild pigs What followed was an unexpected boartex +37104,4,"A dad has 3 daughters and 1 son They all live in a pretty casual house. One day, one of his daughters came into his room and said: ""Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian."" Fuming, he sends her to her room angrily. Then comes his 2nd daughter: ""Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian too"" The father is now angrier than humanly possible, right then, the 3rd daughter came in: ""Um, hey Dad, I'm also lesbian..."" With all the might he can, he shouts: ""DOES NOBODY IN THIS DAMNED HOUSE LIKE BOYS?!"" In comes his son: ""Um, hey Dad..."" Edit: thanks u/SQLDave for the tip on making it better!" +37105,0,Tennis players have the most interesting stories to tell They are constantly surrounded by ball-lads +37106,1,A necklace and a little plane on it. The man was staring at the little plane on the woman's necklace The woman: Do you like the plane? The man: No! I like the airport. +37107,0,A pair of Nike sneakers married a McDonalds happy meal. Nike said 'I will just do it and you will be just loving it.' +37108,0,Why are arc angels in Muslim art so beautiful??? They had a limit for the number of eyeballs +37109,1,How do two old glasses of milk show affection? They curdle! ._. +37110,1,My kids were playing in the garden and didn't tell me they needed to go toilet... I guess you could say they soiled themselves +37111,4,I can't see my Dad now he's had a sex change He's trans-parent +37112,2,What do you call an Alligator in a Vest? An Investigator +37113,2,What's worse than five babies in one dumpster? One baby in five dumpsters. +37114,0,"[LONG] A man's life When God created the donkey, he said:""You’ll work day and night, and you’ll carry in your back heavy baggage. You’ll eat grass and you’ll have low IQ. You’ll be living for 50 years."" ""But my God, 50 years is a lot of time for that kind of life! Give me only 30."" And so it happened. Then, God created the dog:""As a dog, you’ll guard man’s property and you’ll be his staunch/loyal friend. You’ll eat their left overs and you’ll be living for 25 years."" ""Oh, Mighty God. This kind of life is unbearable. Give me only 10 years to live, please."" And so it happened. Then, God created the monkey:"" You’ll jump around, tree to tree, and you’ll act like a fool so people can be entertained by you. You life will last 20 years."" ""No, God, please! Don’t let me suffer for that long. Give only 10 years to live."" And so it happened. Last, God created the Man:""You’re a Man. You’re the only sensible being on the planet earth. You’ll use your inteligence to dominance the other creatures. You’ll be in charge. You’ll life will last 20 years."" ""But my one and only God, 20 years is not too long to achieve my goal. I beg you to give me the donkey’s 20 years, dog’s 15 years and monkeys 10 years."" And so it happen. Since then men lives for 20 years as a man. Then, he gets married and works as a donkey for 20 years by carrying heavy baggage night and day. He haves children and lives as a dog, guarding the house and his property, eating family left overs. And when he grows old, he lives like a monkey. He’s his grandchildren entertainer by acting fool! apologies if you've read it before" +37115,2,Why did the obstetrician quit her job at age of 35? She was having a midwife crisis. +37116,2,"I love dieting. I'm actually on 4 diets. Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican." +37117,0,"An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip [Long] Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. Son- I see millions of stars. Father- And what does that tell you? Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets. Father slaps the son hard and says- ""Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"" " +37118,1,"I have two sweaters. One made in Pakistan, the other in India. They're both Cashmere. " +37119,1,September 1st Never forget +37120,2,What did the snowman say to the other snowman? Smells like carrots +37121,0,I like my women like I like my showers. Hot or not. +37122,2,"Trump and Putin were visiting Merkel in Germany. The three were walking on a beach and talking about their militarys when Trump said:"" We have the best submarines, believe me they are yuuuge. They can stay under water for days without needing to get up."" Putin started to laugh:"" xaxaxa thats nothing our submarines can stay submerged for weeks!"" Merkel didn't say a word and they kept on walking. After a while Trump and Putin looked at her and asked about the German submarines but she didn't realy wanted to answer when suddenly a submarine emerged from the sea. A hatch opened and man came out of it. When he saw the three he raised his right arm and said:""Heil Hitler!! We need diesel!""" +37123,0,The doctor that delivered my wife's baby today had this beautiful Rolex Yachtmaster on his wrist. I guess you could say there were several complications in childbirth. +37124,1,Why did the boy drop his ice cream? He just got hit by a car +37125,4,I recently invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it’s within 6 inches of it. Warning: Do not put the ball in your back pocket. +37126,0,"Aboard the worn-out Kleeshae There was once a spaceship Kleeshae that was minding its own business until one day it was shot by a fleet of Zarii alien ships. Although they got away in time, most of the already-small Kleeshae crew had died in the attack, leaving only the first officer Sharon Yule alive, and the captain, who was gravely wounded. Fuel and food supplies were running low and they had to land soon to repair and replenish. The nearest two possible landing locations presented a tough decision to Captain Dirk. One option was to land on the close-by planet Zarii, which was home to the hostile, power-hungry Zarrs, whose nickname ""the Tsars"" was well-earned. The second option was to use the remaining ship energy to warp to Zarii's only moon, home to the Ringos, the peaceful minority Zarrs who were outcasts from the home planet. However, the moon was on the furthest point of its orbit away from the ship, and the warp drive, having been damaged, would not be all too reliable. The first officer looked worriedly at the captain and asked for a directive. The captain closed my eyes in deep thought, only to open them upon his final decision, saying as he clutched his wounded side: ""Shoot for the moon... even if you, Miss Yule, land among the Tsars...""" +37127,2,What's the difference between light and hard? It's possible to sleep with a light on. +37128,0,What happens when you force two mirrors to confront each other A bit of self reflection. Baziiing +37129,0,Do you know how seahorses get around? They scallop. +37130,1,What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh +37131,0,I started a company that makes land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof. +37132,1,[Help] please help me find reasonably clean jokes to tell at a wedding. Greatly appreciated. I am going to be the master of ceremonies and would greatly appreciate two or three clean jokes to break the ice. Thank you very much +37133,0,"A foot and a penis are arguing over who has the hardest life The foot explains his life is harder because he regularly gets shoved in a dark, smelly, cramped environment.   The penis responds *”Cry me a river, I too get shoved in a dark, smelly cramped environment, but they don’t stick a plastic bag over your head and make you do press ups till you’re sick..!”*" +37134,0,"'Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and I'm in a trance Pour giblets and gravy into my pants" +37135,0,"Did you know that Trump is writing a book? It's called ""My Struggle""" +37136,6,My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex. My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia. +37137,2,"I once bought a box of animal crackers It said “Do not eat if the seal is broken”, sure enough.. broken seal, rhino, giraffe, the whole squad. Had to throw the whole thing away." +37138,1,How do you make gold soup? With 24 carrots. +37139,4,Wonder Woman would have been a much better movie without all the product placement. 2 and a half hours of Amazon this and Amazon that... sheesh. +37140,1,"Three outlaws in the wild west were sitting around a campfire one night They are all cooking some dinner and reflecting after a long day of robbing and pillaging. The first outlaw says, ""I am the craziest outlaw that has ever roamed the west. I robbed a bank in town today and I killed the guard just for looking at me funny!"" ""You think that's crazy..."" The second outlaw says. ""*I* am the craziest outlaw that has ever roamed the west. I robbed a train over yonder today and I killed an entire family because the mother wouldn't give me her purse!"" The third outlaw stokes the fire then stirs the hot pot of beans with his dick and he says, ""You think that's crazy...""" +37141,0,Why do straight men dislike letter boxes? It's all mail +37142,3,Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest. Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures. +37143,1,"Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” Suddenly the brunette yells, “Tornado!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” The redhead then screams, “Earthquake!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .” The blonde shouts, “fire!!”" +37144,0,My new favorite vegetable... is Carrie Fisher +37145,1,I don't think that balloons can be inflated. Edit: well did not expect this to blow up. +37146,0,Why did Sally fall off of the swing set? She had no arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Sally +37147,0,I get offended when people make holocaust jokes. My grandfather died during it He fell out of a watch tower +37148,0,The only joke I know ....... What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch penis? A fungi to be with +37149,0,My superpower is that I can look my Wife directly in the face for 10 minutes straight and not hear a single word. +37150,2,My family is like treasure. You'll need a map and shovel to find them. +37151,3,"Remember when talking about plastic surgery was considered a forbidden subject? Now you can talk about Botox at a restaurant, and nobody will raise an eyebrow. " +37152,6,"A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. But first, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician shows him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z' ""Can you read this?"" the optician asked. ""Read it?"" replies the Polish man, ""I went to school with the guy!""" +37153,1,Why did the nearly blind man fall down a well? He couldn’t see that well +37154,1,What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common? They both have a little Jesus in 'em... +37155,0,"I went to the optometrist yesterday, im not sure if i have good vision or Im just a really good guesser.   (ps. is this a mitch hedberg joke? i came up with it a few days ago and I'm now not sure if its just one of his old jokes I somehow forgot.) " +37156,1,What is the similarity between a woman and a condom? They both spend more time in your pocket than on your dick. +37157,0,TIL about the biggest fail at the Gay Pride Parade concert None of the guitarists could find their G-string +37158,0,What lured the Jews into gas chambers? A pile of 1 trillion pennies +37159,0,What did the Barcelona footballer say to his accountant? Hi Dad +37160,1,"Has anyone ever adopted an owl? And if so, hoo?" +37161,4,"At the supermarket Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore." +37162,0,I have 10 apples If Jamal takes 8 what color is Jamal? +37163,3,"Last night my girlfriend asked me ""Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?"" What I actually heard was ""Do you want a fight?""" +37164,0,What do you call an atom with a negative charge? An ion +37165,2,"Which breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings? Any dogs, because buildings can't jump." +37166,0,For the night is dark and full of terrors... Sansa: we can feed the army for 10 days. Bran: you're wrong. Sansa: how? Lady Mel: for your maths is wrong and full of errors. +37167,4,I know all the digits of pi but not necessarily in the right order +37168,3,In a recent interview I was asked how I viewed lesbian relationships. Apparently “In 4K if it’s available” wasn’t the answer they were looking for. +37169,0,"Go home, boy, your school is burned down. ""What?"" ""School is burnt!"" ""What?"" ""Boy, are you deaf?"" ""Oh no, I just want you say it again and again..."" " +37170,0,"What's the difference between wasps and Yoko Ono? Wasps feed on dead Beatles, and Yoko Ono had a terrible singing voice. " +37171,5,9/10 redditors are stupid I'm glad to be the 1% +37172,3,"A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says ""uno, dos..."" poof. He disappeared without a tres." +37173,3,"My girlfriend is beautiful, like a Greek statue, completely pale, great body, no arms" +37174,0,"Fortnite's battle royal full title post beta was revealed: ""Fortnite Battle Royale - beta""" +37175,0,My crush recently got a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu He doesn't notice me anymore... +37176,0,"I'm annoyed with one of my kids, who will remain nameless. He keeps nagging me about it, but I still can't decide between Bill or Bob." +37177,0,"Your ego is smaller... ...than Justin Bieber's dick, if he even has a dick." +37178,2,"A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar. The bartender sighs and says, ""My life is a joke.""" +37179,0,A girl calls me up and says come over theres nobody home I went over there was nobody home! +37180,4,"Three managers worked in the same office at the top of an 80-storey office building. One day, they were forced to take the stairs all the way up because the elevator wasn't working. One of them suggested telling one another stories in order to take their minds of their tiredness. As they were walking up, the first manager told the story about how he met his wife. At the 40th floor, the second manager told a story about his last job. At the 60th floor, the third manager said, ""I'll tell you a really sad story. I forgot the key to the office.""" +37181,3,"Jesus sits down at the Last Supper with his disciples. He rises and addresses them: ""I'm the son of God."" ""No way!"" they say. ""Yahweh."" " +37182,4,What do you call an emo a capella group? Self harmony +37183,5,I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head. She told me I don't have a therapist. +37184,2,Which country's people are least likely to use cash? The Czech Republic. +37185,1,What did the priest say to the retirement home worker? “I know what you mean. Children aren’t very fast either.” +37186,0,Interview:so what are your achievements in life? I was the first to beat my meat in 2018 +37187,2,"A husband of 50 years dies leaving his widow to prepare for his funeral. [NSFW] The mortuary attendant calls the widow aside to consult her with an embarrassing problem. He hesitatingly explained that her husband died with an erection and the coffin would not shut. Without pause she told the attendant to cut off the member and stuff it up his anus. Later during the wake, it came her turn to stand by the body and say her last goodbyes. Looking down at her departed husband she noticed a look of pain on his face. She leaned over and whispered in his ear her final words, ""I told you it hurt.""" +37188,0,My girlfriend just lost her virginity... And I found it. +37189,1,Jesus: love thou neighbor! Me: how about I just stick with the neighbor's wife? +37190,0,"Gav died of heartburn/indigestion Gav-is-gone (For those that don't understand, ""gaviscon"" is a an ant-acid tablet)" +37191,0,"Racism, white supremacy, xenophobia, sexism, misogyny, etc...these things aren't wrong. They're just alt-right." +37192,3,"One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods.. He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature. After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint. Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, ""Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put that out, and come frolic with me."" After a bit of convincing, Mr. Deer agrees. He snuffs out his joint, and they take-off. Now the two of them are out frolicking together, laughing and enjoying the beautiful landscape. Before too long they come across Mr. Bear. Mr. Bear was slumped over a stump, where he was cutting up lines. The two approach him, and Mr. Rabbit says, ""Mr. Bear, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put down that blade, and come frolic with us."" Mr. Bear took a little more convincing than their friend, Mr. Deer, but he gave in. He swept the remaining blow off of the stump, and joined them in their frolicking. Now the three of them are out frolicking, enjoying the beautiful nature, laughing, and just having a real swell time. After a little while they come across Mr. Wolf, who was lurking in the shadows, working on tying-off. He had his needle ready to go, but before he could shoot-up he heard Mr. Rabbit's voice. He said, ""Come on Mr. Wolf, you don't need to be doing that stuff. Just look around at all of this beauty here for us to enjoy. Come frolic with us, and enjoy it."" Mr. Wolf, who was annoyed that he had been interrupted, looked to Mr. Bear and said, ""Why is it that whenever this damn rabbit takes ecstasy we have to run around the woods like a bunch of idiots?""" +37193,2,"A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. ""Ok everyone back up just a bit so I can get a better shot"" he says but he miscalculated and they all fall over the edge. He runs to the ledge and looks down and sees his family smashing into rocks over and over as they tumble down the canyon, screaming in agony all the way down. He finally sees them stop dead at the bottom. He sits by the edge sobbing uncontrollably as he begins to realize that not only is his entire family dead and mangled at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but that his dad had the keys to the car in his pocket and he is stranded with no one in sight. He cries and cries for hours until he hears footsteps. A lone hiker approaches, sees him crying and asks what's wrong. ""Oh thank god you found me mister"" the boy says ""I was taking a picture of my family and I got them to back up too far and they all fell off the edge. They're dead and it's all my fault! My dad had the keys to the car, I have no phone and I don't know what to do"" he cries. The hiker takes a quick look around. ""Wow kid, I don't know what to tell you,"" he says as he unzips his pants ""but this is not your fucking day.""" +37194,0,What's a Mexicans favorite videogame? The borderlands series +37195,1,"My girlfriend told me that the way I treated her.... My girlfriend told me that the way I treated her, cheating on her, coming home at all hours of the night, disrespecting her parents, never helping around the house, running up her credit cards, hitting on her best friends, and the callousness with which I did it all, was inconceivable. I said, ""You keep saying this word. I do not think it means what you think it means.""" +37196,3,Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning... +37197,0,11 people are hanging out together One of them is a third wheel +37198,2,"In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey Hobo Ken." +37199,1,Who were the fastest readers in history? The survivors of 9/11 who cleared 84 stories in under 2 minutes. +37200,0,"theres a cemetery in Phoenix, and no one living in Arizona can be buried there because they're living...in Arizona " +37201,5,I was captured and tortured by an mime He did unspeakable things to me +37202,0,Stop posting Chuck Norris jokes on the Internet. Chuck Norris will delete the internet. +37203,1,Why did the Composer marry the Musician? It was an arranged marriage. +37204,8,"If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?" +37205,2,"IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody Seems to me like they really have their shit together" +37206,1,How do you get chocolate off your shirt? With a Lindt roller. +37207,1,"Two boys are camping out in a treehouse... Two boys are camping out in a treehouse, when upon looking at the house opposite them, they see a woman undressing. Immediately, one of the boys bolts out of the treehouse and back home. Soon after, the second boy comes and inquires about what happened. “My mum told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would be turned to stone!” The first boy said, “Oh no! I feel something getting hard already!”" +37208,1,I was about to make a joke about net neutrality But it hasn't loaded yet +37209,3,The mathematician has lost his parrot Polygon +37210,0,"A Man and a Woman were at the beach. They both went up to the bar Man - Sex on the beach please! Woman - ""Behind him"" Okay. 1 Year Later - He still hasnt gotten his drink, only a baby." +37211,0,"Getting into comedy So many people ask me how I got into comedy. Pretty simple, I was kidnapped at gun point. It was nothing special. The guy had the gun to my head and he was like, ""YOU FUNNY MOTHER FUCKER? YOU FUNNY BITCH?"" And I just said, ""Yeah."" The great part is that's when he shot me." +37212,4,"Two men are poaching in the rainforest when they're caught by an indigenous tribe. The tribe takes the men to the tribal leaders who hold a court. The tribal king says, ""We find you guilty of poaching and poaching is a serious offense. You have two options: death... or boola-boola."" The first guy doesn't hesitate. ""Anything is better than death. I'll take the boola-boola!"" With that all of the men in the tribe line up and fuck the poacher in the ass. They then let him go and he hobbles off into the rainforest. The second poacher labors over the decision. ""Death is bad but with my devout upbringing, it's still better than that gay stuff. I'll take death!"" The tribal elder says, ""Very well. I sentence you to death... by boola-boola!""" +37213,1,It's a well known belief that pigs have 30 minute lasting orgasms Yet that can't be further from the truth considering that the one I fucked didn't appear to have any. +37214,1,"I like my girls like I like my coffee... Fresh, not matured, and sold from a shady part of South America." +37215,0,How do you call a bee with suicidal tendencies? A kamikazzzzze +37216,0,The other day I walked into a bar... No joke. It hurt. +37217,2,My vacation to Thailand has taught me that I like my women like I like my brownies... ...without nuts +37218,1,What do you call a bull pinata? Beatable +37219,0,"Watched a Bruce Lee documentary the other day. They were talking about myths and legends about him, and which ones were true, if any. How he had to slow his hands down for the cameras, conspiracies about his death. That kind of thing. What really blew my mind was right before a commercial break, they popped up a trivia question. ""Bruce Lee refused to drink water on movie sets. What did he drink instead?"" So I spent the next few minutes searching Google. No luck, so I figured it was probably like green tea, oolong tea, something like that. I mean, the guy was ripped, right? Had to be some ancient secret. They came back from commercial and asked one more time, ""What did Bruce Lee drink on movie sets?"" I'll be damned if it wasn't WAATAAAAAAA!" +37220,1,Why didn’t the doctor tell his patient about his new prescription? (OC) It was going to be a surprise-atory! +37221,1,I'll bet you $20 I can tell you where you got those shoes You got those shoes on your feet +37222,2,The team that finished first in the local boat race were allowed to keep their boat. Scenes of celebration broke out when they realized they had won the champion ship. +37223,2,Why do some people like being choked during sex? Because it is breathtakingly good. +37224,0,A guy named Artie gets vegetables stuck in his throat... Then artichokes. +37225,0,"The Owners Of The Bakery At The Center Of The Supreme Court Case Should Lean Into Their Conservative Ideology They should rename it ""Life Begins At Confection""" +37226,1,Life is like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people +37227,5,"A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied. (First post here. Sorry if it sucks) Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it? His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors. Writer: Like what? His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sanders” Writer: Yeah, cause Bernie is not a capitalist...." +37228,1,I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE. Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke. +37229,1,"A guy walks into a pizza joint. The host sits him at a table. The kitchen is in open view so the customer observes the head chef getting the pizza dough ready. The chef has his shirt unbuttoned halfway down and is tossing the dough high up in the air and letting it fall down his chest and he catches it as it rolls down. The customer calls the host over and says, ""hey isn't that unsanitary, him catching the dough on his chest like that?"" The host laughs and says, ""yeah, you should see how he makes doughnuts!""" +37230,2,What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. +37231,3,What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing. +37232,5,Great minds think alike... That's why we have so many opinions in America +37233,2,"I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool… Awl in awl, it was a cool experience." +37234,0,"A pakistani food company is launching a new product... Its called, Allahu Snackbar" +37235,5,My doctor told me to avoid trans fats. I'm really gonna miss tumblr. +37236,0,"Since Torvill and Dean, the UK haven't had a male winter olympic gold medalist. That's ages! We should give the next one a knighthood. It'd be an ice sir prize." +37237,2,What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro sinko +37238,1,I quit my job at the pillow case factory.. Turns out it was a sham business. +37239,1,Why is a woman like a piano? Because when she's not upright she's grande +37240,4,Did you know cats can jump higher than a house? This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump. +37241,4,"Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong." +37242,1,Why do farts stink? So deaf people can enjoy them too. +37243,4,"A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, ""I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."" The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, ""Hey, aren't you a string?"" The string says, ""Nope, I'm a frayed knot.""" +37244,7,"My girlfriend is the square root of -100 Perfect 10, but imaginary" +37245,0,Which 3 words will make a mexican tremble in fear ? Round of 16 +37246,0,What do you call the powerhouse of the powerhouse of the cell? The metachondria. +37247,0,What’s the opposite of Steven Hawking? Steven walking +37248,1,I played a fisherman at tennis and won by a mile. He spent half the time examining the net. +37249,2,Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar? Well he’s finger-pickin’ good! +37250,0,What was Anne Frank's favorite music genre? House. Deep House. +37251,1,STOLEN CREDIT CARD Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now? Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it! +37252,0,"Today me and my cousin Sandy, who's visiting from Chile, were running on the beaches in Southern California and she dropped her waffle. I guess it was Sandy from Santiago's sandy Eggo in San Diego." +37253,3,"A guy walks into a bar and hears incredible piano music He looks over and notices that the pianist is only 12-inches tall, so he walks over to the bartender and asks him, “Where did the owner find a 12-inch pianist?” “He said that that man over there,” he points to a man in the corner of the bar, “that man can grant you like, one wish or something along those lines.” “Thanks” responds the man, and he walks over to the man in the corner, “hey, you can grant me a wish, right?” “Why of course. What do you request?” “I would like a million bucks” says the man, and then, as he looks out the window, he sees a million DUCKS.” He asks the bartender where the owner is, and when he finds the owner, he asks him, “ how come that man gave YOU exactly what you wished for?” Realizing the man found out about the wishes, he openly responds with a question of his own, “Do you REALLY think that I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?”" +37254,3,"Give a fish to a man, he'll eat for a day. Give a man to a fish, he'll eat for like, two weeks!" +37255,7,"A lawyer is arrested by the cops He says: ""I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present."" Cop: ""You are a lawyer."" Lawyer: ""Exactly, so where is my present?""" +37256,1,"What has six legs, two arms and no teeth? An old couple going doggy-style." +37257,1,"What do you call it, when a trashcan goes to the bathroom? A dump" +37258,2,Fat people are lucky They get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat. +37259,2,"3d printers can now print guns. No big deal, I've had a Cannon printer for years." +37260,2,Why don't robots have any brothers? They all have transisters +37261,1,When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you? When you are a mouse. +37262,0,What do you call an Australian girl with a yeast infection? A blooming onion +37263,3,Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean. +37264,0,​Why do Catholic priests like Indian restaurants so much? Unlimited fresh naans! +37265,3,"So an elderly couple Jim and Jane, in a nursing home were having a torid love affair. Well, at 97 and 93, ""torrid love affair"" translates to a once weekly meeting at the nursing home TV room, where Jane holds Jim's johnson through an episode of ""Friends"". This went on for a while, but one day Jim didn't show up. Jim didn't show up for 3 weeks, no word, and Jane thought he died, until she saw him coming down the hall. She was amazed, then angry, and she said ""Jim!!! What happened? Where have you been!!! I thought you died!! Why havent you been showing up?"" Jim says ""I, uhhh, I found another woman"" Jane shrieks ""I KNEW IT! she's younger than me, prettier than me..."" Jim stops her there and says ""No, no she's 102 and confined to a wheelchair"" ""What? Well, what does she have that I don't have?"" ""Parkinsons!""" +37266,1,What's an Atheist's favorite joke book? The bible. Please don't kill me for this. +37267,2,"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out. " +37268,3,Please stop A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead. +37269,4,"So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. ""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."" Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.""" +37270,0,What does Owen Wilson say when he stubs his toe? Oww. +37271,0,What is the name for a heifer in China? Yungcow +37272,2,"This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them. Still no matches." +37273,4,What do you call a droid who was sexually harassed in the workplace? R2MeToo +37274,1,What do you call it when Walter White rear-ends the car in front of him? Braking Bad +37275,1,"A Navy Seal walks into a bar... the bartender says, ""Hey, why so blue?"" The Navy Seal says ""Art art art art!""" +37276,4,I just learned milk is the fastest liquid! It gets pasteurized before you even see it +37277,3,"If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away" +37278,0,"One prostitute asks another prostitute... ""What should we do tonight? Horror movies?"" The other prostitute answers, ""I say movies.""" +37279,3,"Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church... Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, ""Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"" ""Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"" said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, ""Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"" ""Oh, no, Ole,"" said Lena. ""Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. ""Hey, Lena,"" said Ole, ""vould you like a smoke?"" ""Oh, no, Ole,"" said Lena. ""Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. ""Hey, Lena,"" said Ole, ""how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"" ""Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"" said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena and they spent the night doing vell you know. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow. ""Vat have I done? Vat have I done?"" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. ""Lena, I've got to ask you von ting,"" said Ole. ""Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"" ""Lena said, ""The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!""" +37280,4,"A man is driving down the road, and his car breaks down near a monastery He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk." +37281,1,For sale: Slightly used eclipse glasses Selling them to raise money for my optometry bills. +37282,3,R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids. They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them. +37283,1,Why are there no Wongs in Chinese phonebooks? Because you might wing a wong number. +37284,0,"A bug is flying to a wedding and gets caught by a spider The spider says ""With this string I thee web.""" +37285,3,Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs? All of them dumbass +37286,1,"A teacher is grading tests when she notices one student is getting every question right, but then dividing the answer by two Bewildered, she has a talk with him. He tells her he doesn't understand what the issue is, to which the teacher responds, ""Look, the first step to getting better is admitting you halve a problem.""" +37287,4,They laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian... They're not laughing now. +37288,3,"2 dogs are sat in a bar First dog: ""I heard a great joke today"" Second dog: ""Let's hear it then"" First dog: ""Knock kno..."" (Second dog goes fucking mental)" +37289,7,"I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises... The librarian said, ""I don't think it's in yet."" I said, ""Yes, that's the one.""" +37290,1,My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. +37291,0,Why was everyone scared of 7? Because 7 was a registered six offender +37292,1,Dark humor is like food Some people don't get it +37293,2,"An Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are captured by a native American tribe. As the leader of the tribe looks at them, he says ""You may wish for one thing. you can not wish to live and you can not wish to kill my tribe. After this, we will skin you and use your skin as canoes."" The Scotsman step forwards first and says "" I am true to my nation. May I please have a scotch whisky?"" He is handed the bottle and is taken away. The Englishman then steps forward and says "" I am also true to my nation. May I please have a gin and tonic?"" He is handed the glass and is also taken away. The Irishman thinks for a minute then proceeds to say ""You aren't going to make use of me after death. Give me a fork!""" +37294,5,Puns about communism arent funny unless everyone gets them. +37295,1,Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums. But then The Police came. +37296,0,You know if you went to a kinky bakery shop you could have a cake shaped like a pair of breasts... and eat tit too. +37297,0,"Before I was active on reddit, I thought everyone was an asshole being an asshole to other assholes for the sake of being an asshole Now that I've been active for a few months, I see that it's assholes being assholes to other assholes for upvotes" +37298,4,"Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry." +37299,0,"I was on the end of the wire... I know, it's shocking." +37300,0,"If a butcher is 6 feet tall, wears size 9 shoes and has a 38 inch waist, what does he weigh? Meat." +37301,1,"Brewster the Rooster There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters. The first farmer asks, ""I'd like to buy a rooster."" The second farmer says, ""No problem. What's he for?"" The first farmer says, ""I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."" The second farmer points to a rooster, ""Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you."" The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily. The first farmer exclaims, ""What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."" The second farmer says, ""Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."" Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, ""Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold."" He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck. As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another... The farmer says, ""Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"" Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too. The farmer is starting to get a little worried. Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife! Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead. The farmer cries out to himself, ""Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."" Brewster opens one eye and whispers, ""Shhh! They're about to land.""" +37302,1,I'm the best at procrastinating.. Or the worst. Maybe I'll decide tomorrow +37303,2,What is the strongest part of Batman's armor? The plot. +37304,1,Why are PC gamers always sad? Because they can't console each other. +37305,1,Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in-tents +37306,2,"I used to not like mushrooms... But now there growing on me. I’m sorry, there’s really not mushroom for good jokes here anymore Wow I’m a fungi" +37307,2,"Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height ""a"" and radius ""z"". *pi * z * z * a*" +37308,1,"Judas: ""Jesus, yesterday you told those chicks you can resurrect, is it true?"" Jesus: ""Yeah"" Judas: ""How would you like to earn 15 pieces of silver?"" Jesus: ""I'm listening...""" +37309,1,How do you make a sausage roll? You push it down a hill! +37310,0,If gentrification is so uncool... Why does it raise my streets credit score? +37311,2,Have you been to Conjunctivitis.com? It’s a site for sore eyes..... +37312,2,What does a horny toad say? Rubbit +37313,0,How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-ticles +37314,1,Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America? Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776 +37315,2,"On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea... We could all stand to lose a few pounds." +37316,0,What do you get when you cross an agnostic insomniac with dyslexia? A person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog. +37317,1,My Potato has been coughing terribly I think it has Tuberculosis. +37318,3,"Two Irishmen are stranded at Sea when a genie appears... “I will grant one wish” states the genie. The first Irishman shouts, without consulting with the other, “I wish that this entire Ocean was made of beer!” The second Irishman smacks the first in the back of the head. “You idiot!!” “Now we have to pee in the boat!”" +37319,2,A man hit his friend in a clearing... There was no beating around the bush. +37320,0,"Aryabhatta, a great mathematician. Aryabhatta, a great mathematician, asked his wife ""If I would ask for your permission to go out with my friends every weekend night for drinks and dinner, how would you respond?"" His wife said ""you are the mathematician. why dont you calculate the chances of my saying 'yes'?"" That is how ZERO was invented." +37321,1,Everyday biology pun What do you get when you mix picture day with writing a biology essay? ​ photos-and-thesis +37322,1,What did they body say to the soul after it had thanked it? No worries brotha! I got your back. +37323,9,"What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading " +37324,1,How can you tell that a man has a high sperm count... When you have to chew before you swallow. +37325,0,"Three women are walking in a desert... One of them is a brunette, one is a redhead and a the last one is a blonde. They meet a genie who tells them: ""Here is a swimming pool. Jump in while yelling what you want it to be filled with, you'll land in that."" The Brunette jumps in and yells ""apple juice"", and lands in a pool filled with apple juice. The redhead jumps in and yells ""hot chocolate"", and lands in a pool with hot chocolate. The blond slips and yells ""shit!""" +37326,0,Sockets What did one socket say to the other? Stay grounded. +37327,1,(Possible trigger) I wanted to smoke a joint with some Mexicans today.. I asked if anybody had papers and they all ran. +37328,0,"What does a tomato and a potato have in common? Both are red,except from the potato." +37329,1,"A Squirrel in Sitting in a Tree Eating Some Nuts When Suddenly the Tree Starts to Shake Violently. He looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel says ""hey elephant, what are you doing?"" The elephant replies ""I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"" ""You dummy,"" says the squirrel, ""this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."" The elephant says ""I know, I brought my own!"" " +37330,2,I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool. There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH! +37331,6,Everyone pees in the pool... But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster. +37332,2,Why did the bear go to the psychiatrist? Because he was bi-polar. +37333,1,With your current salary what Apple product can you buy? Apple juice +37334,2,"A pregnant prostitute is visiting her Dr. When he asks her if she knows who the father is. She answers, ""oh for goodness sakes! If you eat a can of beans do you know which one makes you fart!"" " +37335,2,"The blonde and ventriloquist A blond woman goes into a pub, where a ventriloquist sits at the scene with a puppet who tells the one blonde joke after the other. After a while the blonde gets angry and goes up to the ventriloquist and says: ""shut up about all the blonde jokes, we are not that stupid"". The ventriloquist then replies: ""Sorry, but these are just jokes, you are not supposed to take them seriously"". ""I was not talking to you, I was talking to that little bastard on your lap"". " +37336,0,What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match! +37337,3,I Always Wondered what my Parents did before the Internet... I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. +37338,0,What do you call an iron cat A FEline +37339,1,You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say? Poetry! +37340,1,[Nfsw] What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick into an asshole +37341,0,"Caught Crossing Two men were caught crossing the board. The enforcement agent felt nice that day. He told the gentleman, “ I’ll let you go if you can demonstrate your use of English by using my two favorite things in a sentence. Pink Hostess and Green Jell-o.” After some thought one says, “I got it.” When the phone goes Green, Green; I Pink it up and say, “Jell-o, Hostess”." +37342,1,The bird developed an illness. i think it started when the bird flu. +37343,4,"My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one... Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship? Me: No clue, son Son: An ele-Vader, ha!" +37344,0,What do you call a rude text message? A disrespext. +37345,0,"Guy walks in to a bar.. Guy walks in to a bar. says, ""Ouch..""" +37346,0,The definition of relative humidity? (NSFW) The sweat on your balls as you're fucking your sister +37347,1,People who don't excel at what they do cannot even aspire to be a scarecrow. Because only if you are out-standing in your field are you a scarecrow. +37348,3,"What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen? This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!" +37349,1,"I used to hate my hair short But now I don't mind it, it's growing on me " +37350,2,"I’ve started playing silent tennis... It’s a lot like regular tennis, but without the racket." +37351,1,life sentence for trying my teacher always said reach for the stars. I missed. Now I'm in prison. +37352,5,"Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide-and-go-seek. lt’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”" +37353,0,I'm definitely a fan of some good self-deprecating humor but... I'm a little weary of self-defecating humor +37354,8,"Hey girl, are you the SAT? Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, ""Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up.""" +37355,1,The worst things about telling lawyer jokes ...is that lawyers don't think they're funny and everybody else doesn't realize that they are jokes. +37356,0,Why are black people so tall? Their knee grows. +37357,0,What do you call a dog woth no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he's not coming +37358,1,"I put two globes between my wife and I. ""Why have you done that?"" she asked. I said, ""We're worlds apart, honey.""" +37359,0,"What is the difference between your mother and a dodgeball player with the flu? One is a sick ducker, the other is a dick sucker!" +37360,0,I have an account on a website that helps people with constipation. The problem is I can't log out. +37361,2,My jokes are like planes they either don't get off the ground or go over your head +37362,0,What do you call a smiling black man? Snigger. +37363,1,"So this guy goes to a psychiatrist wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap The guy says “what’s wrong with me, Doc?” The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts.”" +37364,2,"A cashier asks a feminist, "" Cash or credit?"" She replies: "" Did you just assume my tender?""" +37365,3,I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. +37366,1,"What is the difference between a terrorist encampment at a children’s hospital? Don’t ask me, I just fly the drone" +37367,0,Why didn't Johnny Depp get an Oscar nod for Black Mass? The nominee pool was Whitey-nough already +37368,0,What does a cereal lawyer look for? Fruit Loop-holes! +37369,5,"A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity.. She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper. He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher. Men are simple like that." +37370,1,What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball? A sand wedge. +37371,0,She said yes ! even though I only asked her if I wasn't too creepy for her +37372,2,Did you hear about the guy who lived in absolute zero temperatures? He’s 0K now! +37373,0,Gang rape... ...5 of 6 people will enjoy it. +37374,0,"A blonde visits the library. She walks over to the far corner, where one of the librarians is reading to a group of kids. Beside them is a sign that says ""Take a seat!"" So the blonde picks one of the seats up and leaves." +37375,1,Were did Soviet horses get their water? The Troughsky +37376,2,Me and my wife were in bed last night chatting together Me : I bet you can't tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time. My wife : You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends. +37377,2,What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 15 years +37378,4,"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says ""You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"" The psychiatrist says ""That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds ""I'm not allowed on the couch.""" +37379,2,"Hellen Keller was the first person to go to Disney land. Don't worry, she didn't know it either." +37380,0,Breaking news: Donald Duck arrested at Walt Disney world this morning! For selling Quack. +37381,0,"I hate when girls try to kiss me during sex. Like, bitch i have a girlfriend. Have some respect." +37382,0,My physical trainer told me that my body was like a temple... No wonder every girl I ask out prays that she never sees me again. +37383,1,What do you call a jelly bean doing a Michael Jackson impersonation? Belly Jean +37384,3,What does a horny frog say? Rub it- rub it +37385,1,"Guarding a block of ice A guard was keeping tabs on a block of ice. Just when his shift was almost over a small man appeared out of nowhere. Startled, the guard raised a gun and shouted, ""stay back! What do you want?"" The small man answered, ""I am but a humble gnome seeking a small piece of ice."" ""I have been charged with the protection of this ice,"" the guard replied. ""Surely you can spare a small piece for a poor gnome. Take this axe and cleave me a small chunk."" Suddenly a golden axe appeared in the guard's hand. ""I.. I can't... My boss would kill me."" ""Oh, come now,"" the gnome prodded. ""I'm sure he won't kill you. He probably won't even notice. Just give me a tiny piece and you can keep the axe. It's worth a fortune."" Reluctantly, the guard chipped a small piece off the corner and gave it to the gnome. As soon as the ice was in it's hand, it vanished. Just then the boss came through the door. He called out angrily behind him, ""the next person who makes a 'dust in the wind' reference is getting a bullet it the head!"" He turned to face the guard and noticed the chip missing from the block of ice. ""What the hell happened!?"" The guard knew he had to tell the truth no matter how crazy it sounded. ""I clove my ice... only for a gnome and then the gnome was gone!""" +37386,3,"I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans It was soda pressing" +37387,2,"My father was a kamikaze pilot in his youth Not a very successful one, obviously." +37388,0,You know you're dating a ... When she is really punctual. +37389,1,"It's a doozy Overheard 2 young ladies’ conversation while nursing a drink. “So how was the date I set up for you work out?” “The pits, totally sucked.” “But you love classic cars, he told me he was going to pick you up in his perfectly maintained 1934 Duesenberg Model J., those got to be worth at least $12,000,000, I thought you’d love it.” ""Loved the car except you forgot to tell me he was the original owner.""" +37390,3,What do you call a black woman who has had 8 abortions? A crime fighter. +37391,1,Why was the sick eagle in prison? Because she was illegal. +37392,2,M&M don't hire blondes for their production line... ...because they throw out the Ws +37393,0,"Bongo Joke Three Geologist got stranded on an island. The natives captured them and took them to their chief. The chief asked the first man if he wanted death or bongo. The man did not want to die, so he chose bongo. Five big native men came up and butt fxxxed him for fifteen minutes. They gave him some crutches and sent him on his way.. The second man was offered the same choice. He did not want to die, so he reluctantly chose bongo. This time fifteen even bigger men came and butt fxxxed him for forty five minutes! They put him in a wheelchair and sent him on his way! Finally they asked the third man the same question. He saw how much it multiplied from the first guy to the second guy... so he chose death. The chief stood up and looked around, then started chanting loudly: ""DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!!!!!!!""" +37394,3,"Ugliest Baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''" +37395,1,"What is it with Russians and their track suits? Because back in Soviet day, suit track you." +37396,0,"A boy was playing a game if he lost his dad will die He lost, the mailman across the street was dead." +37397,5,What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys? Molasses. +37398,3,"A bashful Chinese couple gets married . . . On their honeymoon, the husband asks, ""So what do you want to do?"" The wife replies, ""I think I want 69."" The husband is shocked. ""You want Beef and Broccoli now?!!!""" +37399,2,I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster +37400,0,What's the plural of y'all? All y'all. +37401,0,Why did Blizzard stage a walk out? They should do it for real +37402,2,Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisionist? He got the sack. +37403,2,Why does a duck have feathers? To cover up its butt quack. +37404,0,Why did the whale slap a man? He asked her when she was due +37405,0,"667 and 665 are Christian numbers They translate to, ""Not today Satan!""" +37406,0,What do you call a Spanish guy having an anxiety attack? Hispanic. +37407,1,Robot-Hitler was arrested for killing his creator today. He was charged with battery. +37408,1,My chiropractor is serious as hell But he still cracks me up +37409,0,"Little Johnny. Teacher asked the Class, can you give me a sentence containing the Word contagious, no one put their Hand up apart from Johnny, Teacher says, OK Johnny but no swearing, so Johnny says my neighbor has just had 3000 Bricks and 2 Ton of Sand and Cement delivered to his House, he has to transport it to the Back Yard on his own, so Miss it gonna take that ""CONTAGIOUS"".... " +37410,2,"I was fine with my earlier math classes, but geometry is where I draw the line." +37411,3,What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 45 pounds. +37412,2,Which race is the most racist? The human one. +37413,1,"The shape... Did you know? The shape of your mouth as you say the word ""poop"" is the same that your butthole makes when you poop! Same goes for diarrhea. " +37414,0,Fuck it! I'm just going to say it it +37415,2,"In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God. And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys." +37416,3,"My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off." +37417,2,"Do you sell a book ""How to get rich in three months""? Clerk: ""Yes we do sir, can I recommend another book with that, other buyers have found it very useful?"" Guy: ""Of course, I would gladly take a look, what is it?"" Clerk: ""Penal Code - Commented edition""" +37418,3,I see there is a lot of tension between /u/Waterguy12 and /u/fireguy12 recently... It's really been steaming up. +37419,3,"A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle..... The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, ""WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"" The second nerd replied, ""Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ""Take what you want!'"" The second nerd nodded approvingly, ""Good choice..... The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."" " +37420,3,"What's the difference between Oral sex and Anal sex? One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak." +37421,1,"A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks ""Hi, mate. Same as usual?"" ""I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?"" the man responded. ""no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty."" replied the barkeep. A voice said ""hey dude, if you want to try something new and fresh, look what happens when you drink THIS!"" The other man downed his drink, and walked over to the balcony and jumped. Astoundingly, and to the surprise of the entire bar, the man flies back up slowly. With a smug look on his face, he flies back to his stool and slowly sits back down. The man says to the barkeep excitedly ""I know what I want! I want what the other man had!"" The barkeep obliged and the man downed the drink as fast as he could. He sprinted for the balcony, leapt off and fell to his death. The barkeep turns to the other man and says ""Fair play Superman, you're a right prick when you've had a few.""" +37422,1,"Destination Pittsburgh Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets. Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment... “Yes Ma’am, I’d like to purchase three pickets to Tittsburgh. Realizing his slip-up, he bolted back to his traveling companions, telling them the story. “I’ll get tickets,” said the middle aged priest. Approaching he counter, he noticed her short short skirt. And her low low top. He felt an urge not felt in years as he asked her for the tickets: “Young Lady, I’d like to purchase three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I’d like the change back in dimes and nipples...” He turned, hurried back to the other two, recounting his error, asking God for forgiveness en route. The eldest priest assured the others they’d soon have their tickets: “My length of service will guide me through the purchase. You boys should watch how this is done.” The three approached the counter together, the oldest in the lead. The aged man noticed how her short short skirt rode high. And her low low top showed all of her cleavage. He cleared his throat and asked for the tickets. “Ma’am. I would like to purchase three tickets to Pittsburgh. And please give my change back in dimes and nickels. I would also like to comment on your attire. You have brought a shame upon you this day as you’ve allowed two blessed men of the cloth an opportunity to question their vows. Your dress is ill suited for any mannequin to wear, much less a woman. Your top is too low cut as well, allowing the eyes of a stranger to gaze in places they should not. Why, Young Lady, if you don’t choose to change your ways, upon your death, when you face the Pearliest of Gates, Saint Finger will be waving his peter at you.” Edits: typos" +37423,4,"A man accidentally sharted in church last week, everyone moved away from him. He had to sit on his own pew. " +37424,0,"Why did the cannibal get kicked out of the buffet? Because he misunderstood the ""Eat all you can"" promo." +37425,1,Here’s a construction joke It’s not here yet because I’m still working on it. +37426,1,I used to work at a calendar factory... I got fired for taking a day off +37427,5,A man named Eric Cole... ... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law. +37428,0,"Sex education in india... Is so bad that my Roommate in 1st year of college used to think that his father was virgin. .. When i told him everything ... he was like .. ""how can dad do this to mom ?""... " +37429,1,Potty Training Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic... At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone’s crying and wet. +37430,1,A new zoo is opening soon! It only has one animal. It's a Shih Tzu. +37431,2,"Which US president was the least guilty? Lincoln, because he was in a cent" +37432,1,"A guy turns to his buddy during an archaeological excavation and slides one headphone back off his ear... ""Hey man, I really dig this album!""" +37433,3,What do you call a good looking pig? Hamsome +37434,7,Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier +37435,0,"That dress fits you like a bandage. Yes, I bought it by accident." +37436,1,A bus full of nuns careened off a cliff They all parished +37437,4,Hey! To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you! You have my Word +37438,1,"I'm trying to spread ""quotient"" awareness Please upvote for divisibility. " +37439,0,Nine out of ten people... ...enjoy gang rape. +37440,1,Only one How many scientists does it take to build a time machine? +37441,2,What’s electricity’s favorite topic? Current events +37442,2,"A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested,.. the church is in New York City and the bride's name is Donna." +37443,0,Jesus celebrated each birthday on Christmas... ... imagine the amount of presents he must have gotten! +37444,0,"A Paper Bag goes to the Doctor's to get its test results. The Doctor says ' I'm afraid you have Aids '. Paper Bag says ' How is this possible? I don't sleep around, I don't share needles '. Doctor says ' Your Father must have been a Carrier '. " +37445,2,"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date" +37446,1,How did the vegan quit eating meat? Cold Tofurkey +37447,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? I was chasing it with an ax. +37448,0,The only think worse than getting old is the alternative. +37449,1,It’s time to sell your stocks in the wood chip industry! The market is getting tu-mulch-uous. +37450,0,I recently bought a Russian car. This damn car caused me to be an hour late for my anniversary dinner. My wife furiously asked me where I was. I told her I was stuck in traffic. The car kept Stalin. +37451,4,"21st century newspaper I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'. I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him! " +37452,2,"Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak. As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says ""I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before.""" +37453,2,"Rich, Dave, and Johnny Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”" +37454,3,"A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services. As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw. ""Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"" ""No way, are you serious? I can't believe this!"" ""I'm afraid so."" ""Which one?""" +37455,2,How'd the redneck find his daughter in the woods? Pleasurable +37456,1,Life is always better when you enjoy the little things At least that's what my priest says +37457,1,A mime once nearly had me convinced that a wall was actually there... ...but it was just an obstacle illusion. +37458,2,"A pirate with a steering wheel on the front of his pants walks into a bar The bartender says ""you know you got a steering wheel on your pants, right?"" The pirate replies ""arg, I know! It's driving me nuts!""" +37459,0,"Did you hear the one about Cthulu? Eh, you probably wouldn't be able to comprehend it." +37460,1,"Bigamy. Like the real me, just taller." +37461,2,"What's better than Roses on your Piano? Tulips on your Organ! This one is courtesy of my girlfriend, who is a classically trained pianist and organist. " +37462,0,The problem with other people's money. The problem with other people's money is that it's tainted. 'tain't yours and 'tain't mine. +37463,2,I used to work at a sewage plant... ... I saw some serious shit. +37464,1,"Two scientists are playing Minecraft. Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br." +37465,1,What would you call Indiana Jones if he was a cop? Indianapolis. +37466,0,"My friends studies artificial intelligence and his view of sex amazed me He said: ""Here, the people who have sex find consolation in it because they can't calculate triple integral.For bad luck.. i can""" +37467,0,I couldn't stop high kicking radishes I was practicing Daikondo +37468,1,What is a frog's favorite soda? Croak-a-cola +37469,0,"Two men are in a waiting room. ""I'm aching from arthritis,"" one man croaks weakly. ""I'm Ben from Birmingham. It's nice to meet you,"" the other man replies." +37470,0,"A man buys a horse and is told to make it walk he needs to say ""few""... A man buys a horse and is told to make it walk he needs to say ""few"", to make it run he needs to say ""many"", and to make it stop he needs to say ""amen"". The first ride starts off well. The man says ""few"" and off the horse goes, he says ""many"" and it starts to run. However, the man notices it's heading toward a steep drop. He panics, and forgets the command to make the horse stop. It draws closer to the edge, and he tries to jump off, but his foot is caught. As he is dragged along he yells out in terror ""Lord save me, lord save me, amen."" And of course the horse stops, right on the edge of the cliff. The man wipes his brow in relief and says ""phew, that was clo- ahhhhhhhh!""" +37471,0,Came up with this one in the shower Today is national lie day! +37472,2,TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers. +37473,0,Apparently there's a new pilot on the flight I'm about to take... I guess he'll just have to learn on the fly. +37474,2,"There was a boy who had a pet frog The boy was also a budding scientist, so he decided to perform an experiment on this frog. He got a notebook, a pencil, and a knife. He tells the frog, ""frog, jump!"" and the frog jumps up four feet into the air. The boy writes in his notebook ""frog with four legs can jump four feet"" Then, the boy takes his knife and cuts off one of the frog's legs. Now the frog has three legs. The boy says ""frog, jump!"" and the frog jumps up three feet into the air on its three legs. The boy writes in his notebook ""frog with three legs can jump three feet"" The boy takes his knife and cuts off another leg. Now the frog has two legs. The boy says ""frog, jump!"" and the frog jumps up two feet into the air on its two legs. The boy writes in his notebook ""frog with two legs can jump two feet"" He takes his knife and cuts off a third leg, leaving the frog with one leg. The boy says ""frog, jump!"" and the frog manages to jump one foot in the air on its one remaining leg. The boy writes in his notebook ""frog with one leg can jump one foot"" He takes his knife and cuts off the last leg, leaving the frog with no legs. He says ""frog, jump!"" The frog doesn't jump. ""Frog, jump!"" Frog still doesn't jump. ""Frog, jump!"" Frog doesn't move. He concludes: ""frog with no legs is deaf""" +37475,1,I bought a clock that was missing the minute hand and the hour hand. It was a second hand clock. +37476,1,Why was the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he was a *fungi* +37477,3,"Misunderstood JT In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine. After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through the pristine forests and walked the banks of the Chornaya and was immediately inspired. When he came back stateside he told his producer that he neeeded to write a song about what he saw. JT: ""I want to name the song after my favorite body of water in the whole country."" Producer: ""What do you want to call it?"" JT: ""The Crimea River""" +37478,2,What is the most Holy chord? Gsus +37479,4,"Bubble wrap I asked my boss ""where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?"" And he replied ""just pop it in the corner"" 4 f*cking hours it took me!" +37480,1,"People say that they hate getting broken up with. To be honest, I hate ending the relationship more! I mean come on, they were together for 3 years before I slept with her" +37481,2,Finally getting laser eye surgery next month Very excited to have laser eyes. +37482,0,What do you call a business that sends MILFs to your house? Oedipal Arrangements +37483,2,"Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion." +37484,5,"A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle. Almost immediately, the car door unlocks. ""That was amazing! How did you do that?"" The woman asks. ""Well, it's simple"", the soldier replies, ""these are my khakis.""" +37485,0,Have any of you seen the rollerblading wool salesman who just refuses to lower his prices? That guy's a real sheepskate. +37486,4,Yo momma so ugly .. Her portraits hang themselves +37487,0,"I opened a bar in Romania for low-ranking demons, but I'm not getting any business. I suppose Vlad the Imp-aler wasn't a good name." +37488,0,"Never ask a stand up comic if he has a joke You dont do that for other kinds of jobs anyway Would you ask an assasin, ""alright let's see you go kill someone""" +37489,0,What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You’ve already told her twice. +37490,2,"If storks bring human babies, what brings giant babies? Cranes" +37491,3,What’s the ultimate rejection? When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep. +37492,2,"I was shocked when my wife tried to sue me for impotence. But thankfully, they couldn’t make it stand up in court." +37493,1,"So this explorer finds an unknown canibal tribe in the jungle... ... and he notices a man looking at a photo album. He asks the tribesman: Is this your familly? The tribesman replies: No, it's my cookbook." +37494,0,"As a geologist, I've learned to take nothing for granite" +37495,0,"A new Sean Connery joke SNL Celebrity Jeopardy Connery: Knock knock Trebek: Who’s there? Connery: Doesh schicksh ladsh Trebek: Doesh schicksh ladsh who? Connery: Doesh schicksh ladsh who fucked your mother lasht night, Trebek. " +37496,5,Why did the non-binary prospector go out west? Because there was gold in them/their hills. +37497,1,"My friend was a pretty good guitarist But that one time he stepped in a puddle while playing his electric guitar on an old, badly grounded amp, he became a great conductor." +37498,2,"According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem... A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causing major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it." +37499,0,"As we begin the holiday season, remember... The Alamo " +37500,2,"While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis " +37501,2,Chicken potpie. My three favorite things. +37502,1,"Read this out guys and laugh out loud!!!! Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. ""If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,"" says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, ""Have you completed the month with sex?"" ""Yes we have, it was easy,"" replies the elderly couple. ""How about you?"" He asks the middle-aged couple. ""It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month,"" they respond. ""And how about you two?"" He asks the young couple.  ""No we couldn't do it,"" responds the boyfriend.  ""Tell me why,"" says the priest. ""Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."" The priest then tells them, ""You're not welcome in my church."" ""We're not welcome in the supermarket either,"" says the boyfriend." +37503,1,"Why couldn't the Australian general win the war on bread? Because it was stale, mate. " +37504,4,"AN ODD TALE There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, ""That's odd.""" +37505,0,How can fishes know when to swim? They seawater. +37506,0,"A lot of people are wondering what Bill Clinton will be called if Hillary wins the election. It's actually pretty simple. Given his Irish heritage, he obviously must be called First Laddie." +37507,4,"Son: ""I fell in love with a beautiful girl."" Father: ""That's great, do I know her?"" Son: ""Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."" Father: ""Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."" The boy is upset, but accepts the truth. After few months he comes to his dad again. Son: ""I am in love with even more beautiful girl."" Father: ""That's great who is she?"" Son: ""Libiena living across the street, you know her."" Father: ""That's bad, I have to disappoint you again, she is your sister, I am sorry."" It goes the same path with Zorlien, Marlen, Nurith, Malvina, Viera, Korona, Efrin and Sola. Furious one day the boy decides to tell her mom. Son: ""It is horrible, I can't date any girl in this town because apparently dad fucked up the whole city and every girl is my sister!"" Mom: ""Silly you, don't worry, he is not your father..."" Edit: Spelling" +37508,2,What’s the difference between a mosquito and a Hooker? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it! +37509,0,My gf asked me if there was anything I wanted to do before she left after break Evidently the right thing to ask wasn’t “is there time for one last ride?” +37510,1,What is the advantage of being a test tube baby? A room with a view +37511,1,What do you call a camel that loves to divulge in rumors? A dramadarie queen +37512,5,What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes? Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. +37513,0,What's the useless skin around the vagina called? A woman. +37514,2,Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he only uses the finest ingredients. +37515,3,"Inmates on death row should have prison ID’s ending in .EXE Because, eventually, they are all executable. " +37516,5,How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it +37517,1,"Justice is served So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. The public is invited to come and dispense justice to the now criminal. The two options are verbal abuse or light physical abuse. The queue for physical abuse goes up 5th Ave. and will serve citizens on the odd hours of the day. The queue for verbal abuse goes down 5th Ave and will service the public during the even hours of the day. This is where we meet our hero let’s call him Uncle Sam. Sam finds his way to the end of a very very long line at 5:59 am. He has brought a long list of shameful deeds and a stern lecture to accompany each of these dastardly acts. After two hours have passed, Uncle Sam has been practicing his tongue lashing out- loud. With different levels of anger and disappointment, trying to find the right soul crushing tirade to really give it to the orange shit show. Just as he began his tenth rendition of his lectures the man and woman in front of him had to interrupt and tell him that: “this is the punch line”" +37518,1,"Why was Santa mad when he heard that Mrs. Claus was pregnant? Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want a dependent clause." +37519,2,I’ve always wondered why gay people are such good swimmers It’s probably because they’re flambuoyant +37520,5,"My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class. When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me. Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced." +37521,0,What do you call cannabis on a stick? Hashish Kabob. +37522,0,"A frog went into a bank... He went to the teller's window, her name tag said ""Patricia Whack"". ""Hello Patricia,"" he said, ""I would like a £10,000 loan please."" Patricia was somewhat unsure, and replied ""We will need a guarantor, and some collateral before we could consider that."" The frog said ""That's fine, my father is Mick Jagger, and I have this as collateral."", holding up a small porcelain elephant. Patricia took the elephant, and told the frog that she would have to talk to her manager. She walked into the manager's office and said ""There's a frog outside who says that he wants a £10,000 loan, his dad is Mick Jagger, and he wants to use this,"" showing him the elephant, ""as collateral. What is this anyway?"" Her manager replied ""It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan - his old man's a rolling stone""." +37523,0,"Why did Sherlock Holmes get a colonoscopy? It's alimentary, Watson." +37524,0,"What? Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made of glucose. Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it? Teacher: Technically Yes. Student: but it doesn't even taste like that... Teacher: what? Student: what? LOL " +37525,1,Just sneezed around some very polite strangers. #blessed +37526,3,"That was the best anal ever! A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. ""Well,"" says the bus driver, ""every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."" The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ""Oh, God!"" she exclaims. ""Take me with you!"" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ""Ha, ha!"" he says, ""I'm the man from the bus!"" ""Ha, ha!"" says the nun, removing her costume, ""I'm the bus driver!""" +37527,1,"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." +37528,1,"Why wouldn't a ""Fight Club"" video game sell well? The marketing would be nonexistent." +37529,2,Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it is two tired. +37530,1,"Hothead Pat, upset by how the Super Bowl is going, starts destroying things. Police get on the megaphone trying to evacuate the area: ""Go, Pat riots!""" +37531,4,"Long ago, there was a cathedral... The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but the Lord teaches love and acceptance of all. He says to the man, ""if you can climb into the tower and ring the bell, the position is yours."" Elated, the armless man runs up the tower stairs, bypassing the rope that one would normally use, but that he was unable to manipulate. At the top of the stairs, there was ladder to get into the belfry. Without hesitation, he climbs the ladder using his teeth, and beams as he looks upon the church's bell. He backs into the corner of the belfry, takes a deep breath, and runs at the bell full speed. He slams into the bell, it swings and tolls beautifully. The bishop kept his word and awarded the man the job. Weeks go by, and all seems right with the world. The armless man enjoys his new life, but sometimes, he gets a little dizzy tolling the higher hours. One day, while performing his duty to mark noon, he misses the bell altogether and sails out the far side of the tower. He falls to his death, and a crowd gathers around the body. In the general murmur, a voice calls out, ""does anyone know this man?"" Another replies... ""No, but his face sure rings a bell!"" With a heavy heart, the bishop places out the sign once more, advertising the open position. Again, weeks pass without a single taker, until another man arrives. His resemblance to the previous man is uncanny. A hunched back, no arms, and nearly identical in appearance. The bishop is dubious, fearful of a repeat of the recent tragedy, but the man falls to his knees, weeping and pleading, and against his better judgement, the bishop makes him the same offer. The hunchback climbs into the belfry, backs into the corner, runs and tolls the bell, claiming the job. To ensure the new ringer's safety, the bishop commissions the installation of bars across the open sides of the tower, and life continues on. Over the next few years, the hunchback enjoys his life within the cathedral. He is well cared for, and happy to perform his duty, though the midday ringings do tend to take their toll, and like his predecessor, he misses once in a while, but the bars give him security. Unfortunately, the bars are not maintained, they rust, and at last, they give. The armless man tumbles out of the tower and falls to his death. Once more, a crowd gathers, and again, someone calls out, ""does anyone know this man?"" And a voice replies... ""No, but he sure is a dead ringer for his brother!""" +37532,0,Why do shoes have tounges? Because they love the taste of feet! +37533,1,My SO is kicking me out the house because apparently I’m obsessed with rap. She told me 2pac my bags and leave. +37534,0,"A beautiful widow was convicted of the murder of her husband... ...and was sentenced to death by hanging. On the day of execution, she chose to walk to the gallows naked as the day she was born. The hangman couldn't help but say, as she passed him, ""My, what a wonderful body you have."" ""Yes"", she replied, ""and it's all yours, if you keep your trap shut.""" +37535,5,"Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus. " +37536,0,"There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him and every day more were converted. But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary, and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people. The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby it became clear that this baby was an albino. The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief saying: ""chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black"" The chief cuts him off, saying ""ok, I won't tell about the baby, if you don't tell about the sheep"" " +37537,4,What cheese is made backwards? Edam +37538,0,"The people would think I am beating you. Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you." +37539,3,A girl befriends a boy at school What's your name - she asks Dick - he replies - it's short for Richard How does one get Dick from Richard - ask the girl curiously One askes nicely for it - replies the boy +37540,0,Why did hitler ban his soldiers from talking to reporters? Because they had the reich to remain silent. +37541,1,Tinder is used for starting a fire But its pointless if you don't have a match +37542,0,"Trump and the Pope decide to have a meeting. Trump planned a private meeting with the pope, out on a lake, to have a discussion. No one was told, but of course, it leaked out. While Trump and the pope were talking, the media was secretly hiding in the nearby woods. So while they were meeting, a big gust of wind blows off the Pope's hat. It falls into the water, and the Pope is about to dive in. Trump says wait, let me get it. He gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and gets the hat. The Pope says, ""Oh my, that is so amazing! I cannot believe you just did that."" Trump says, ""I know I know, it happened right after I was elected. All of the sudden, I could walk on water. I don't understand why. Please don't tell anyone, I'm still not sure what to think of it yet."" The Pope and Trump continue with their meeting and part ways. The next day, the newspaper headline says ""TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!""" +37543,2,"Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros... ... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says ""What, am I the only one with balls around here?""" +37544,1,Did you know Germany invented sparkling water? Who else would of thought of adding gas. +37545,1,"Did you know, flintstone vitamins are not sold in all but one city in the United Arab Emirates? The citizens refuse to eat them. But Abu Dhabi do." +37546,0,I saw a squirrel cross the street today It stopped in the middle of the road and stared at me. With full eye contact he pooped and finished crossing the road. It was a real shit show. +37547,2,A man woke up in a hospital A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and yelled “doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor said “I know... I amputated your arms!” +37548,3,"a guy is praying: A guy: ""For God, how much time is million years?"" A voice from above: ""For God, million years is one minute."" A guy: ""For God, how much money is million dollars?"" A voice from above: ""For God, million dollars is one cent."" A guy: ""Can God please give me one cent?"" A voice from above: ""Wait a minute...""" +37549,1,I would never tell a rape joke It would be too forced +37550,0,What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife? An erection and a place to put it. +37551,1,"A man walks into a bar. ""Give me a shot of whiskey, quick!"" The bartender pours it and the man swallows it in one gulp. ""Another!"" The bartender pours another and the man gulps it again. ""Another!"" As he pours the bartender asks ""what happened to you?"" to which the man replies, ""I just experienced my first blowjob!"" The bartender smiles and says ""Ahh. Celebrating are we?"" As he raises the 3rd shot the man says ""Hell no, I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"" *Gulp* ""Another!""" +37552,0,What does Hillary Clinton call a Trump supporting turtle warming itself in the sun? A basking deplorable +37553,0,"My brother and I were on a road trip. We seen a guy walking along the road and decided to give him a ride and he got in with some strange looking bag. We both kept asking him what was in the bag but his response was always ""none of your fucking business"". So we decided to kick him out of the truck and take off with his bag." +37554,0,"Snail Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it. Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say ""Look at this S-Car Go!""" +37555,6,"A gay couple, Neal and Bob, traveling on a plane. ""What if we had sex?"" Asks Neal. ""Here, one the plane? Are you crazy? Everyone would be watching us doing it, it'll be awkward."" ""Nobody is paying attention to anything. Look!"" Neal stands up and asks loudly: ""Could I have a pencil, please?"" Nobody paid attention, everyone is busy minding their own business. ""They wouldn't really care, would they?"" Says Bob. So Neal and Bob have intense sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and people are leaving, a stewardess sees an old man with his shirt and pant soaked up in his own vomit. ""Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"" Said the stewardess to the old man."" ""I didn't dare"" whispers the old man. ""A couple of rows ahead of me, I saw a man asking for pencil and got fucked right in the ass.""" +37556,1,"My wife was complaining that I don’t lift a finger to help around the house. But when I did, apparently it was the wrong finger." +37557,4,"Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?” Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!” Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick, “What school?”" +37558,0,What do you call the first porn video you watch NSFW The Fappetizer +37559,2,what's Hitler's favourite video game? meinkraft +37560,2,"I was in a bar a few months ago with a friend and these four huge bastards started mouthing off to us ""Pretend we're the Police."" my friend says. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us." +37561,2,I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time. I hope he gets his shit together soon. +37562,3,"Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass. The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day. Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it. Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some answers. Jake asks, ""Hello Dave, I believe you sent me the incorrect item. I received a plain white board. There is no horse eating grass art on it"" To which Dave replies, ""No I did send you the correct item, do you see my signature on the bottom right corner?"" Jack acknowledges the signature and says ""well I sure do but what happen to the art then?"" Dave then tries to put some sense into Jake by explaining him what happened. ""Well you see my friend, the horse ate all the grass which is why you don't see any grass there"" Jake, very furious, yells ""Ok then where the fuck is the horse!?"" ""Hah, funny guy! Why would the horse stick around if there is no more grass left?"" *hangs up* Dave, the Con Artist." +37563,0,Wanna know what's wrong with homosexuality? It's gay. +37564,0,"Donald trump will be the best prime minister ever Jokes on you mods ! I already made a trump joke Damnit it's automatic. Seems like ""trump will do an excellent prime minister"" wasn't funn-ier" +37565,1,"My kids just got a puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, but one in particular. I suggested they name it “Nature.” Because nature abhors a vacuum." +37566,0,After sex one midget said to another... You still fell short... +37567,0,Whats Donald Trump's least favorite clash of clans troop? The Wallbreaker. +37568,0,"After his his girlfriend breaking up with him, my friend decided to go sailing in the major river in Egypt. I asked him how he was feeling, and he said that everything was going to go back to normal, and they would be together again once he gets home. I think he was in the Nile." +37569,1,Whats the best time to get Arrested At noon Because the *Hands are up* +37570,0,"So I did the OSSLT today Oh, wait, nevermind" +37571,0,What's the difference between a bad steak and a short Jew? One is a cheap cut that's hard to get rid of... And the other is a little jewwy. +37572,2,"A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor. A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day. In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the man's blood pressure, and pulse, then she pulls up the man's gown and shoves her finger into his ass. After waiting a few seconds, she pulls it out and writes down something on his chart. The second nurse reminds her to take his temperature and the first nurse says she already put it on the chart. The second nurse checks and sure enough, there it is. She pulls out her rectal thermometer and double checks but the temp is right on. So they go to the second patient and the procedure is repeated. Blood pressure, pulse, finger up the ass. The second nurse pulls out the rectal thermometer and double checks. Again, dead on. Finally after the third repeat of the procedure, she says, ""You know, the only reliable way to get a core temperature is to use a rectal thermometer. I'm going to have to put you on report."" The new nurse looks really hurt and says, ""This is one of those new techniques we were taught. Instead of using those old slow rectal thermometers, now we just use digital.""" +37573,0,Perfect pitch is... ...when you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo. +37574,5,Proof that Donald Trump is a racist Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house. +37575,5,"A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, ""Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."" The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, ""OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine""" +37576,1,What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common? I wouldn't enter either one without protection. +37577,0,"You remind me of dog poo. So a while back I was walking down a sidewalk with a friend of mine when we saw some dog poo someone had skidded in. I said ""Well, that's how you know someone is having a bad day, finding a three feet long dog turd smear with the word Nike at the end."" to which my friend replied ""It would have been worse if it said ~~Lewis~~ Levi's"" and we both had a good laugh at that. Months later I walk down a sidewalk on my own and come across another smeared dog turd which made me think back to the conversation with my friend and I started giggling. Now I don't know what the guy waiting for the bus thought of it, he saw me come walking down the sidewalk, discover the smeared turd and start grinning like an idiot - but he might just have been thinking something about some people having a weird sense of humor. When I got home I called my friend and told him about it, we had a laugh and agreed that basically I'd called to say ""I saw some dog poo today and it reminded me of you.""." +37578,1,"The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but... ...all the other Poles are in Britain." +37579,0,"I think my coworkers must be gay… Every time I walk past them, I hear them mutter, “What an ass.”" +37580,1,Things that don't kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming +37581,0,"Facebook, I am not a social media person. Facebook: But- Me: FACEBOOK, I AM NOT A SOCIAL MEDIA PERSON. YOU ARE REFUSING TO HELP. GOODBYE. *Deletes Facebook, hits the gym, lawyers up, checks himself into psych ward*" +37582,0,tis is sow sab allselsa paly dyslexia +37583,0,Gay jokes are not funny! Cum on guys! +37584,10,What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action +37585,1,"Diogenes' thug Life Plato was discoursing on his theory of ideas and, pointing to the cups on the table before him, said while there are many cups in the world, there is only one `idea’ of a cup, and this cupness precedes the existence of all particular cups.  “I can see the cups on the table,” said Diogenes, “but I can’t see the 'cupness'”.  “That’s because you have the eyes to see the cup,” said Plato, “but”, tapping his head with his forefinger, “you don’t have the intellect with which to comprehend `cupness’.”  Diogenes walked up to the table, examined a cup and, looking inside, asked, “Is it empty?” Plato nodded. “Where is the 'emptiness' which precedes this empty cup?” asked Diogenes. Plato allowed himself a few moments to collect his thoughts, but Diogenes reached over and, tapping Plato’s head with his finger, said “I think you will find here is the 'emptiness'. " +37586,0,"I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped. " +37587,2,Why didn't the spider baptize his 50 children? too many fonts is bad for web design +37588,2,"A pessimist arrives at a restaurant for his date. He says, ""A table for one, please.""" +37589,2,"Dropped a dad joke bomb on an unsuspecting game stop employee In Game Stop yesterday with my teenaged son, the the cashier asked me if I was ok buying a game that was rated T for teen, I replied ""Of course, he is Four Teen!"" " +37590,0,I hate people who eat meat and leave nothing to me. +37591,3,Want to come over and watch porn... ... on my flat screen mirror? +37592,1,"I saw two guys wearing matching uniforms, so I asked them if they were gay. They arrested me." +37593,0,I love putting fresh Rocket in a Salad Trouble is it always goes off! +37594,1,"I got hit by a car on my way to my graduation. The worst part is, I had the right of passage" +37595,3,"My grandfather, a ww2 vet, would always tell us the story about how he killed 50 Japanese with his bare hands. 2017 was a successful year for the racist bastard." +37596,1,Today I became Head of Transportation I had to bus my ass to get that job. +37597,2,"Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip They set out In the afternoon and arrive at their location a few hours before dark. They set up their tent and camp fire before going to bed. In the middle of the night Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, ""Look up Watson, what do you see?"" Watson looks up at the sky, it's a beautiful night, thousands of stars dot the sky. Watson responds, ""I see stars Sherlock."" Sherlock Holmes then asks Watson, ""What can you deduce from that."" Watson pondered this for a moment, then responded, ""Well, if there are so many stars out there just like our sun then perhaps those stars could have planets similar to ours, if there are other planets similar to ours than perhaps life exists on one of those planets, just like it does here!"" Sherlock Holmes says, ""No, somebody stole our tent you moron.""" +37598,1,"In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must Masterwait" +37599,1,Nobody knows what it’s like to be a custodian. They just make sweeping generalizations. +37600,2,My wife told me she was tired of me always talking about StarWars and nothing else I told her only a Sith deals in absolutes +37601,0,What happened to the guy who made a bad joke? No one laughed +37602,2,"The Lone Ranger finds Tonto lying in the desert with his ear pressed to the ground. ""What is it Tonto?"" asked the Lone Ranger, knowing full well of his partner's sensory capabilities. Tonto opens his eyes softly and stares into the horizon, with his ear still flat on the ground. ""Five men.... on three horses.... all armed...."" he says. The Lone Ranger is impressed, ""that's amazing Tonto, how do you know that they're all armed?"" ""Ran me over.""" +37603,0,Whats happens when the rock falls? Rock 'n' Roll +37604,0,Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?” Me: “No.” +37605,1,Who do fishermen call when they want to sell their property? They call a Reel-tor! +37606,5,"Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote, Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease." +37607,2,My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour. You have to go to the liquor store +37608,1,Why was the chicken prescribed Xanax? She had egg-xiety +37609,4,What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day? May divorce be with you. +37610,2,Logic The amount of people who don't know the difference between too and to is two damn high +37611,0,Lame! Or! Funny! +37612,2,"A sadist and a masochist were on a deserted island The masochist said to the sadist: ""Hurt me"" The sadist replied: ""No""" +37613,1,Why did the chubby kidney doctor go to the weather convention? He heard they were looking for meaty urologists. +37614,4,"A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke. After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution. One night after dinner, Wolfgang was served his dessert. Suddenly he cried out, ""Mother! This strudel is a bit tepid!"" ""Wolfgang!"" his mother exclaimed, ""You can speak! All these years, you've been silent. Why haven't you spoken to me before now?"" ""Well,"" Wolfgang said, ""Up until now, everything had been satisfactory.""" +37615,1,"County registrar - Hello, my name is Phil - Hi, my name is Hahahahank - Do you have a stuttering problem - No, my father did and the county registrar was an asshole" +37616,1,"My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew." +37617,8,So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter It’s pretty nuts. +37618,0,Pickup line: Did you get those pants on sale? Because they're 100% off at my place. +37619,3,I wondered why the ball was getting bigger And then it hit me +37620,10,"I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It’s laundry day." +37621,0,"Girl: ""Why do boys have nipples if they don't need them?"" Boy: ""I don't know. Why do girls have butts if they don't poop?"" Girl:... Girl: "" We need to talk.""" +37622,1,What do you call an Ant who is very good at Microsoft Excel? Excelant +37623,2,What kind of coffee is never on time? >!the latte!< +37624,3,"A Blonde Checks Her Mail A man was outside mowing his lawn, when the blonde next door came out and looked in her mailbox. She frowned and went back in. After a few minutes the blonde came back out and looked in her mailbox again. She had the same reaction and then went in once more. The man was a little confused but he minded his own business. A few minutes later the blonde returned once more, and now the man was curious. 'What are you doing?' he asked her, 'You've checked your mailbox three times now. Nothings going to change in a few minutes.' The blonde replies, 'Yes, but my computer keeps saying ""You've got mail !"" ' I read this on a joke site a couple years ago. Thought it belonged here. " +37625,0,Why is the D&D fanbase so similar to the KKK? 'Cause they both have grand wizards. +37626,0,Are all men cremated equal? Only when their wife is cremated first. +37627,5,I don’t always roll joints. But when I do... It’s my ankle. +37628,0,"Masturbation has always been a hobby to me I tried to compete as a pro, but came in first." +37629,2,Don’t listen to the sewer. It’s full of shit. +37630,1,"BRITISH PERSON DOING AMERICAN ACCENT: *does so perfectly* #####AMERICAN PERSON DOING BRITISH ACCENT: ""Allo guvnah! Pishy poshy crumpet cheerie-o old bean!""" +37631,0,"I hear a storm coming! We should wave our hands. ""Welcome.""" +37632,3,"A recently married deaf couple were discussing how they were going to communicate in the bedroom with the lights off. The husband said ""if you want to have sex pull my dick once if you don't want to have sex pull it 358 times""." +37633,0,What does this subreddit need to make it great again? Besides another Trump joke. +37634,4,"My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months my wife is up to three packs a day " +37635,0,What car does Tyrion Lannister drive IMPala +37636,1,"I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password… “Have some respect for the dead!” he said. I asked, “Ok, is that all lower case with no spaces?”" +37637,1,"A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ""What the hell do you think you're doing?"" ""I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."" ""Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?""" +37638,0,"A cougar.... A cougar is feeling a little frisky and decides that young Johnny at the store who bags her groceries will be her next conquest. After she pays for her groceries, Johnny is wheeling the basket out to her car. She leans over to him and says in a low voice, ""I have an itchy pussy!"" Johnny says, ""Ma'am, you'll have to point that one out to me, all those foreign cars look alike to me!""" +37639,0,"#stanfordrapist Are you tired of your windows being bare? Can't handle all that excessive light causing glare during your daytime tv programming? Remember the good ol' days, when everyone, not just the 1%, could afford the luxury of window covers? Then vote Stan this November to handle all your empty window needs!#StanForDrapist #FreeDrapes #MakeAmericaDrapesAgain" +37640,1,How do you stop a food truck? The Lunch brake +37641,1,Why did the chemist got fired? He was caught at his workplace looking at polonium radon +37642,0,What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest accomplishes something when it’s triggered. +37643,0,What do Indian girls have at sleepovers? Pilau Fights. +37644,0,What happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off. +37645,1,Why does Noddy wear a hat with a little bell on it? Because he's a twat +37646,0,"A blonde, a nun and a busdriver went into the bar, and found barkeeper was a pharmacist. Unfortunately, There was no real joke even on the commentary" +37647,2,This one’s a classic from my dad: Did you know beer makes you smarter? It made Budweiser. +37648,1,United is #2 in chinese takeout... #1 is Napalm +37649,0,What does a woman's What does a woman's arsehole do when she is having great intercourse? He is at home taking care of the kids. +37650,4,Q: What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women. +37651,0,"r/Jokes in the future A new user logs in and starts scanning through the subreddit. The jokes are just labeled with numbers. 16 62 33 They venture to the comment section to try and find the joke. But all they see are posts that say how hilarious OP is. ""GREAT! I haven't heard that one in an hour."" Perplexed, they ask the question. ""What's the joke, I don't get it."" After a barrage of insults, someone finally answers. ""We've been telling the same jokes for so long we just gave them numbers. You can find the info on the sidebar."" So the new redditor scrolls through and finds a joke they find funny and proceeds to post it hoping for the barrage of upvotes that will follow. Their post 22 fails...miserably. They message the user. ""What gives? I did what you said, I posted a joke I hadn't seen in a bit. Why no upvotes?"" ""It's not that the joke was bad,"" writes the member ""it's that your delivery was just all wrong.""" +37652,5,"What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table." +37653,3,What do you call a mexican gps? Juan Direction +37654,2,"I was out one morning with my Uncle Jim When someone threw a tomato at him ""Tomatoes don't hurt!"" Shouted Uncle Jim The next one did, it came in a tin" +37655,1,"The bartender says..... ""We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!"" A tachyon enters a bar." +37656,3,I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about this. +37657,4,"How many social justice warriors does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, social justice warriors can't change anything." +37658,0,"My boss complained that I take longer in the bathroom when I take my phone. I told him, ""No shit.""" +37659,2,What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jewish person? The Boy Scout comes home from camp. ^First ^time ^posting ^on ^this ^sub ^don't ^know ^what's ^too ^offensive ^and ^what's ^not ^sorry. +37660,1,Why did the ghost stink? Because it was covered in sheet +37661,0,"So I says to myself, I says... Abandon ship!" +37662,1,So Saddam Hussein was trying to give George Bush a high-five... But George Bush left him hanging. +37663,0,from r/funny +37664,1,What crime did the viticulturist get imprisoned for? Grape. +37665,3,"A student is failing an exam, so he decides to make a bet with the proffesor He walks up and says: ""lets bet on a 'C' that I can break your desk with one hit using my left hand"". The proffesor says: ""There's no way, lets bet"". The student swings his left and and karate chops the desk in half. Then he says:""Wanna bet on an 'B' that I can hit my head through this chalk board"". The proffesor says: ""That's impossible, so yes"" He swings his head as hard as he could and broke through the chalk board and the wall behind it. Then he says:""Wanna bet that I can pee out orange fanta on you, for an 'A'"". The proffesor says: ""Ok sure"". The student pees all over the proffesor. The proffesor tastes the pee and says:""but this is normal pee"". The student says: ""ok ok, a 'B"" it is""." +37666,2,How can 71 people ride a car? 2 on the front and 69 on the back. +37667,1,What do you call a sleeping pizza? A pizzzzza. +37668,2,"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem" +37669,1,What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto +37670,0,M'eal *tips waiter* +37671,1,What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple? A core concept. +37672,2,"Losing his virginity - My dad played this joke on me when I was 14, and I will recount it exactly as it happened. When I was 14 my father and I were driving on a country road. Nothing much was being said, when suddenly, he pointed to a bridge. You see that bridge over there? Yes, I replied. Well, he continued, I lost my virginity underneath that bridge. Now, keep in mind, my dad was a bit conservative, and the subject of sex was never discussed. I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable, as one can imagine. And believe it or not, he says, without waiting for me to respond. Her mom was watching! At this point, I am flabbergasted, not really knowing what to say, or what to do. And, you know what else? he asked. All she said was, moooooo..... " +37673,1,My friend punches me whenever I refuse to smoke weed with him He’s given me blunt force trauma +37674,5,"I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with ""When I was your age...."" then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation." +37675,3,How to go through intersection in a tank 1) Approach intersection 2) Check if there is another tank coming 3) Proceed +37676,1,My girlfriend wanted to do the French maid roleplay. One with skimpy dress and feather duster. It sounded hot. But the dress didn't fit me. +37677,0,Do you want to know how bad I am at measurements? About a mile. +37678,0,"Suspicious wife The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names: - The tender one - The amazing one - Lady of my dreams She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second number on which his sister replied . When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!! She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for her sin. Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewellery and gave him the money Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as ""Joe the plumber”." +37679,1,"Did you guys hear about George Michael's passing? It's like, one day you're here... and then WHAM! you're gone. " +37680,2,The only thing I'm bad at is humility Because I'm so good at it +37681,0,"Bob and Jim walk into a bar ""Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink."" The bartender gets him a drink. Bob says, ""Donkeyboy, get me another drink."" The bartender gets him another drink. Finally, Jim asks the bartender, ""Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"" ""I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that.""" +37682,0,I used to Remember Leonardo DiCaprio When I was feeling down. Unfortunately I still remember him. +37683,0,Why didn't the peach have any fuzz? Because it was suffering from alo-peach-ia. +37684,2,"A guy I know works at the watch factory, I ask him ""So what do you do?"" He says ""I stand around all day making faces"" ^^^^thanks ^^^^Mary ^^^^Poppins" +37685,2,Some cool facts about the names of groups! A group of crows is called a murder. A group of nuns is called a gaggle. A group of Catholic Priests is called a Cell Block. +37686,3,"My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine." +37687,2,"Ya know, theres a fine line between the numerator and the denominator... Yet, only a fraction of people get this." +37688,0,"sir: what is your name? boy: what sir: i asked you that ""what is your name""? boy: sir i already answered your question. sir: what? boy: sir, my name is ""WHAT""" +37689,0,If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've said... I would be able to buy a Nigger +37690,2,"I'm getting sick of spending time with my Scottish family and their Scottish cows... Wee kin, wee cow" +37691,0,"Walked up to a guy the other day.... I went up to a guy the other day and told him, ""If you were any body part, you would be the asshole,"" he looked dazed that I would insult him like that and he asked back, ""Now what gives you the idea to say that to me?"" I shot back quickly, ""Well you seem like a tight dude.""" +37692,1,Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car In the par-king lot +37693,1,"Back in the day... ...when I still went to school, I had only one true friend. His name was Eddy and although we had different interests, we got along really well. Since I was good in science classes I often times helped him with his homework because for some reason he was only interested in history classes. Actually he was fascinated by them and it seemed that he grew almost obsessed with history. When I asked him, what is it that he likes so much in history, he just answered: ""History will repeat itself"". Left a bit puzzled by it, I didn't put too much thought into it. As the years passed we both went to college - I ended up choosing physics as my major and as one would expect he chose history. After marrying Eddy got 3 wonderful children - a boy and two girls. Although Timmy, his son, had good grades, he still managed to get trouble every other week. Taking care of the children took more and more of his time, so we grew more distant each passing year. By getting more salary from my job, I finally managed to buy a Tesla. Only two days after buying the car, it was stolen. I called the police, and they started an investigation. Once again two days had passed when I received a phone call from the local police station that my car has been caught by a traffic camera only two blocks away from my house and that the thief had been caught. I immediately rushed to the station. After arriving there I was being led to the place where they held the thief. My heart froze when I saw the face of the thief and all I could hear was the sentence all these years ago: ""History will repeat itself"" It was Eddy's son. ​ ​" +37694,1,(Clean) A group of nuns wanted to make a little money on the side... They were quite good at woodworking and wanted to make something that the local kids would enjoy so they decided to start up a company that makes yo-yos. Pretty soon making the yo-yos and fulfilling the orders started to take up a good chunk of their time and it caught the attention of the Mother Superior. She pulled them aside and asked what they’ve been working on so hard and they told her: “Nun Yo-yo Buisiness” +37695,4,"Quasimodo wanted to go on a date with Esmeralda So he put an ad in the paper to find somebody to ring the bell. A man responded to the ad. He was a man without arms, so Quasimodo politely asked how he would ring the bells. The man said ""let me show you"", so they went up to the bell tower to give it a try. The man got a running start, jumped up, wrapped his legs around the bell and smashed it with his face. It was the most beautiful the bell had ever sounded, so Quasi asked him for another go! Unfortunately, the second time, the man knocked himself out and fell down the tower. When the police came, they said ""Quasimodo do you know this man?"" He said ""I don't know him but his face rings a bell""! (Part 2) So, Quasi still really wanted to go on this date with Esmeralda so he put another ad in the paper. Not long afterward, the doorbell rang. To Quasis surprise, the man looked exactly like the last! It turns out, the two men were twins, and he rang the bell just the same way that the first one did. Quasimodo needed to have a test ring so up the tower they went. This man knocked himself out on the first try, fell down the bell tower, and died. When the police came and asked Quasimodo if he knew the man, he replied ""don't know him, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"". " +37696,1,"The lunch our mom made was so amazing, my brother called seconds... ... but i called minutes" +37697,3,Why is someone who plays the piano called a pianist... ... but a person who drives race cars not called a racist? +37698,1,What's brown and sits in a courtroom? Jury doody +37699,2,"What did Hurricane Harvey say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!" +37700,1,Simpler explanation for Syria decision Trump prefers meat over dairy +37701,5,Which haircut would cost you the most? Chemotherapy +37702,3,I love dead baby jokes They never get old +37703,8,"My grandpa told me ""All you kids do these days is play video games""... ""When I was your age"", he continued, ""my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"" The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, ""What the hell happened to you?"" The grandson says, ""I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"" The grandfather says, ""Well who the hell did you go with boy?"" The grandson says through tears, ""My friends from school, who did you go with?"" The grandfather says, ""Well... the Nazis""" +37704,0,Why is 6 afraid of Voldemort? Because Voldemort ate 9. +37705,1,I'm an atheist And I thank God for that. +37706,0,What's the difference between a zombie and Hannibal Lecter? Hannibal Lecter doesn't eat brains. +37707,2,Did you hear about the sketchy mushroom vendor? He has no Morels +37708,0,"Atlanta star says season2 shooting begins this year -News Chicago PD and local gangs in unison yelled back, you are half a year late wannabes. " +37709,2,"A guy walks into a bar He saw a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. She slinks over and leans over the bar, revealing her ample cleavage. ""Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"" he asks. ""Yes,"" she purrs. ""I am."" ""Well, wash your fuckin' hands,"" says the man. ""I want a cheese sandwich.""" +37710,1,"One time me and my friends were on a bushwalk. At the time you had to suck the venom out of a snake bite. While we were enjoying the view, my friend yelled out in pain. He clutched his butt and screamed ""A snake bit me!!!!"". I miss my friend." +37711,0,Why are prison escapees so frustrating? Because they never finish their s +37712,0,Please pray for my daughter's soul She was born a red head. +37713,0,"A man went fly-fishing early one morning and found a crippled woman there crying. He asked her why she was crying and she told him she had never been fucked before. The man swept her up in his arms, threw her in the river ""now you're fucked bitch""" +37714,5,The Energizer Bunny is starting a career in porn... They put his batteries in backwards and he keeps coming and coming and coming. +37715,0,"The boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, That's why I shit on company time." +37716,0,Daddy I am afraid of zombies... Dad: Don't worry son zombies are not real. They are just people with make up on. Son: So like mommy then? Dad: Just like your mommy yes! +37717,1,"A pizza delivery boy is late on his delivery. The woman at the door tells him he’s 5 minutes late and that she gets the pizza free. The pizza delivery boy asks her if there is any other way since the pizza will be taken out of his pay! She asks if he knows any jokes. He says he knows one about Sherlock homes. She asks him if he could tell it and maybe she’ll not repost the pizza being late. He dives into the joke and at the end asks what she thinks. The woman says: “It was a good joke, but you need to work on your delivery.”" +37718,3,"If the opposite of ""pro"" is ""con""…… Then the opposite of ""progress"" would be ""congress"" I^will^see^myself^out" +37719,3,"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk" +37720,1,What is the difference between a Pakistani and an Indian ? Only that they hate a different country. +37721,0,"A Russian guy went for an eye check up... The Doctor showed the letters on the board : CZWXNQSTAVSKY Doctor : Can you read this? Russian guy: Read?? I even know the guy..., he's my cousin. Blyat." +37722,1,Why did the man with thick glasses fell into the well? He couldn't see that well. +37723,3,What kind of music is scary for balloons? Pop music +37724,0,"What is the difference between the turtle, the ship and the family? The ship has the shell pointing down, the turtle has the shell pointing up. " +37725,0,"What does a ghost say to greet her group of girlfriends? What's up, my boo bitches!" +37726,5,"A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again ""Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says ""I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other..."" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says ""It's OK. Please don't be upset."" Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, ""Damn it! You made me lose count!""" +37727,2,People say I'm quite contrarian. But I disagree. +37728,0,"Fittingly, the only one to not be surprised who sat on the throne. Was >!Bran!<" +37729,2,Years ago I made friends with an egg yolk that was extremely shy. But over time I helped it come out of it's shell. +37730,0,Heard that the dancer couldn't dance anymore without the shoes he needed. He's really lost his grooves. +37731,1,"[OC] A birdwatcher is at the park A birdwatcher is at the park with his binoculars, pen and pad. Peering through his binoculars, he sees a large bird flying in the clouds. He identifies it as an Eagle and scribbles his notes. After watch for a few more minutes he sees a slightly smaller bird flying lower, just above the trees. The birdwatcher identifies it as a Hawk. As his head is in his pad while he jots down his notes, a third bird arrives. This bird is even lower and crashes into the distracted birdwatcher. What type of bird was this? >!Duck!<" +37732,4,Who built King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference +37733,0,Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where not to shave on their chest. +37734,1,"A little boy’s grandpa had surgery... And it went well. The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family. While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure. Doc: “First of all the anesthetic can make you nauseous, we recommend not eating for a few hours” Everyone nodded in agreement. Doc: “Another thing is it you may feel loopy for a bit. For the next few hours you may want to use a wheel chair. Everyone nodded in agreement. Finally the doc said: “ The biggest thing to remember is make sure not to lift anything more then 5 pounds for the next week or so” Everyone nodded in agreement except for the grandpa who looked a little annoyed. As the family is headed back to the car celebrating the successful surgery the little boy ask: “Why are you so sad Grandpa?” Grandpa: “Well buddy, Grandpa has to pee sitting down.”" +37735,0,"I was in a job interview and the interviewer said... ""what do you see yourself doing in a couple of years?"" ""I dont know...I don't have 2020 vision."" " +37736,0,"What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? Oh wait, I don't have a garage. Sorry neighbor I'll clean them out tomorrow." +37737,4,"An Asian man walks into a bar An Asian man walks into a bar and starts drinking a beer. A white man sees him and asks “Do you know karate or Kung fu? Anything like that?” The Asian man looks somewhat offended “Is it because I’m Asian?” The man replies: “No, it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer”" +37738,0,"The MAN makes the BIG decisions. The WOMAN makes the LITTLE decisions... Married over 16 years, haven't made a BIG decision yet." +37739,3,"Two Jews working in a shop. One of them asks: -Abraham, how much is 13 times 8? -Are we buying or selling?" +37740,0,"President Roosevelt Little known fact President Franklin Roosevelt was quite the ladies man he was to said to have ""dates which will live in infamy"". " +37741,0,What is the difference between a carboxyl group and the Balkan countries? One is a functional group and the other is a dysfunctional group. +37742,10,Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were. She said «Fuck you». So im pretty excited for 2018 +37743,2,A man walks into a park and flashes three old ladies. Two of them have a stroke. The third one didn't touch it. +37744,3,Masturbation is a useful part of life It comes in handy +37745,3,I like my jokes like I like my coffee. The same stuff seven times a day. +37746,1,"Quick, make a self-reference! Aye! Also thought about using ""Me?"" as the punchline, but then it sounded too much like the 'two pronouns' joke. Also, wouldn't have made it a pun." +37747,0,Aren't anesthesiologists such boring people? They put me to sleep. That's for sure. +37748,0,"Leroy goes to school. Leroy is the only black boy in kindergarten. One day he goes into school and the teacher says, ‘today we will do alphabets’ all the other children can say the alphabet from A to Z but Leroy can only manage A to J. Leroy goes home to mom and says, ‘Momma, all the other boys can say the alphabet A to Z but I can only say A to J, why is that? Leroy’s Momma says, ‘That’s because they is white and you is black.’ The following day Leroy goes to school and the teacher says, ‘today we will count our numbers.’ All the other boys can count from 1 through to 100 but Leroy can only count from 1 to 10. Leroy goes home and again questions his mother, ‘Momma all the other boys at school can count from 1 to 100 but I can only count 1 to 10, why is that?’ Momma says, ‘That’s because they is white and you is black.’ On the third day Leroy goes to school and the students are all in the toilet taking a pee and Leroy takes a sideways glance at the urinal and notices all the other boys have much smaller penises than his. Leroy goes home and says to his mother, ‘Momma why have all the other boys got such smaller penises than me?’ His mother states, ‘ That’s because they is 5 and you is 17.’ " +37749,2,It’s all shits and giggles.... Until somebody giggles and shits +37750,0,What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You would pay to have a potato on you... +37751,4,"What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus? With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside. " +37752,5,What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in? Por que. +37753,0,"What is the difference between Roy Moore and Kevin Spacey? One is a known predator who's used his position of power and influence to prey on much younger people, including minors, and the other is an actor." +37754,2,"My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation. I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds." +37755,1,What's worse then waking up to find a man in your bed? Finding half a man. +37756,0,What did Thors girlfriend say when she ended things because he kept trying to pressure her into sex? You should’ve gone for the head +37757,2,"Two moms were talking about their kids in college. Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending? Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all." +37758,1,"How do ABBA like their pasta? Al-dente, al-dente... (Oh please don’t let me down)" +37759,0,How we can solve the issue with Syria.... Fill those tomahawk missles with Pepsi and it's all going to be right as rain. +37760,0,"yes off course i'm an American My friend calls me up and asks “Hey are you free tonight?” And I say of course, I’m American" +37761,1,"What did the religious patient say when he was diagnosed with a skin abnormality? Jesus, take the wheal " +37762,2,"In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus. They both got too close to the son." +37763,0,"An old man gets a sudden urge it suddenly and surprisingly got up after several months. He runs to his wife "" We must have sex now ! quick the boner is gone!"" The wife is kinda confused ""but...but i can't, i'm having Leukorrhea "" The old husband is like ""yeah well thats not an issue, i have diabetes we'll make meringues"" *Leukorrhea =white discharges " +37764,0,Whats the easiest way to pick up a jewish girl? With a dustpan in Auschwitz. +37765,1,What did the frog say whilst scrolling down r/Jokes? Reddit reddit +37766,3,I don't drink for religious reasons. I drink for other reasons. +37767,1,What do you call a black guy who steals from his neighbors? Robbin' Hood. +37768,3,Formula one drivers stay healthy Because they breakfast +37769,0,"An interesting title Me:*studying* My grandfather: Don't worry, you'll pass the exam" +37770,0,A lizard that can't walk: From what is it suffering? Reptile Dysfunction +37771,0,A recent study Found that the average human has two breasts and one testicle. +37772,1,There is one thing I hate about lazy and entitled cannibals They're always looking for handouts. +37773,3,Have you heard my construction joke? I'm working on it. +37774,1,"When I was 5 years old my mom got me a puppy. He was white with these little brown splotches all over him that reminded me of the coffee stains on the kitchen table, and so the obvious name for the dog, in my young and simple mind, was Stains. My mother quickly grew to despise this name, as the dog had a tendency to bolt out of the door and run down the street. To this I always responded by yelling loudly throughout the neighborhood, ""Come Stains! Come Stains!""" +37775,5,"A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead." +37776,0,"So a woman walks up to a tall guy and says ""hey, can you get me that box on the top shelf""" +37777,0,How many regular season wins does it take for the Tampa Bay Lightning to gain their dignity? Well more than 62 apparently. EDIT: what? No NHL fans? Lol +37778,2,"A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings. No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms. The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little too hard with his melon. He falls from the belfry and lands on the church steps. Two parishioners late for services rush past him. ​ “Who was that guy?” the wife asks her husband as they enter the church. ​ “I’m not sure,” the husband replies, “but his face does ring a bell.”" +37779,1,"2 bros Dude 1: Hey, bro Dude 2: What do you need, bro? Dude 1: Can you pass that pamphlet, bro? Dude 2: Brochure." +37780,2,What does Obi Wan call his drug den? The high ground +37781,1,What do you call a special forces guy that shaves everything? A smooth operator. +37782,1,"Three vampires are haveing a competition for who will get the most blood The first vampire returns with a mouth full of blood. The other vampires ask him how did he get it. He says:""you see that tree? After it there is a village, I took blood from everyone there."" The second vampire goes and comes back with a face full of blood. He says: ""you see that tree? After it there is a village, and after it there is a city. I took blood from everyone there."" The third and last vampire goes and comes back with his whole body full of blood. They ask him:"" how did you get so much blood?"" He says: ""yoy see that tree?"" They answer ""yes"" ""well I didn't see it""" +37783,0,What did the tapeworm say to the human after the human told it that it wasn't welcome anymore? Are you shittin' me?!?! +37784,6,"A girl realized that she had grown hair..... A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: ""That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: ""My monkey has grown hair."" Her sister smiled and said: ""That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.""" +37785,6,"I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish" +37786,4,My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. I said its narnia buisness +37787,0,So i heard China was 12 hours ahead of the East Coast... Why the hell didn't they warn us about 9/11?! +37788,5,"For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more. I'm not going to drink any less either." +37789,2,What do you call someone who thinks NASCAR is superior to any other racing sport? A racist. +37790,4,"Two blondes are hiking in the woods. They come across a pair of tracks and start discussing what type of animal made them. One says they are deer tracks. The other says they are bear tracks. They stand there arguing for a while, but before they can agree, a train hits them." +37791,1,"What is the last thing to die in the human body? The eyes, they Dilate ;)" +37792,0,Keep dreaming This guy tried to sell me a pillow for £120 I told him to keep dreaming to which he said the pillow would help with that. +37793,1,If LifeCall joined Apple Introducing the iVeFallen And iCantGetUp +37794,2,Parents: Got any A’s this semester Me: Go Fish +37795,2,I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day. It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath. +37796,3,What do my toaster and I have in common? We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time. +37797,5,"The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”. They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”" +37798,0,What is the warmest body part of a dead woman My dick +37799,0,"Presidents visit OZ (long) A few presidents are sent to the land of oz. Once they reach Oz himself they are asked what wish can be granted? George Washington says to OZ: ""I wish that I had the courage to stand up to the British!"" Oz says: ""Done"" Abraham Lincoln says: ""I wish to have the heart to stand for my ideals."" Oz says: ""Done Harry Truman says: ""I wish I had the brains to deal with the threats to my country"" Oz says: Done Bill Clinton looks around. Oz replies: ""If you do not make a wish I cannot fulfill it."" Clinton responds: ""Where is Dorthy?""" +37800,2,What makes Mewtwo throw up? The Sound of Mew Sick. +37801,3,"A man walks into a bar waving his gun around A man walks into the bar waving his gun around yelling, ""I have 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"" A voice from the back of the room called out, ""You're gonna need more ammo!""" +37802,3,What's worse than tennis elbow? Tennis balls +37803,0,Why is Q scary? It is always stalking u. +37804,2,Why do blondes make awful bank robbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards. +37805,1,What painter was always sick? Vincent Van *cough* +37806,1,What is the most ill advised thing? Taking a sick day. +37807,3,How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her. +37808,1,What is the difference between Charles Manson and A make-a-wish kid? Manson got life +37809,2,"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around Me: If you get pregnant, I won't stick around Gf: Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago Me: I mean it, mark my words!" +37810,0,Being uncurious is knot asking questions at all Wait I messed the joke up. Fuck +37811,0,People keep telling me that my water puns are lame. But I just can't make a solid pun. +37812,0,My daughter wants an iPad for Christmas. I said the only pad you're getting is a Kotex. +37813,0,"I told the barber, ""a little off the top."" So he gave me a circumcision. " +37814,3,I only date Patriots fans Because they don't care if I cheat +37815,0,Fiiiiiiish What do you call an incomplete fish? A still in beta fish. +37816,0,"How long can a china man's name be? Luke: Yes, master Yoda I've heard that one many times already." +37817,3,Why is 'dark' not written 'darc'? Because you can't see in the dark +37818,0,"A man was walking along a river bank when he saw another man on the opposite side. ""Hello!"" he called out, ""how do you get to the other side of the river?"" The man called out in response, ""you are on the other side of the river!""" +37819,6,"A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ... A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!” The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on. The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?” To which the wife responded: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”." +37820,0,On my visit to Italy I went on a tour of a museum located in their capital. Whilst there I noticed they were offering some of their items on sale. So I decided to take one for my girlfriend. Why? Because it would be Rome Antique +37821,0,How is an Oscar now like a Grammy? You can get one by stealing from black people. +37822,7,"A Man talks to a Lawyer A man talks to a lawyer and says ""My wife wants to divorce me."" ""On what grounds?"" The lawyer asks. ""On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it."" The man responded. The lawyer tries again with ""I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"" ""Yeah she owns half of our two acres. Think we can take her land from her?"" The man replies. The lawyer decides to try rephrasing the question as ""I mean is there a grudge?"" ""No. We don't have anything fancy like that. We just park in the driveway."" The man replied. ""She wants the divorce? I mean do you beat her up or something?"" The lawyer tried again. ""Oh, no. She gets up about a half an hour earlier than me. I'm a heavy sleeper so there aint no chance I will ever beat her up."" The lawyer finally asks ""Okay, why do you think she wants a divorce?"" To which the man replies with ""She says I never understand what she's talking about."" -- Told to me by a pastor, recently. " +37823,2,"A sex therapist is speaking to a group of married men. At the start of his lecture he has all the men stand up He asks, ""All the men who have sex more than once a week please sit down"". About half the men sit. The he says, ""OK, now all the men who have sex more than once a month please sit down"". At this point, there is only one man left standing. He has a big smile on his face. The therapist asks the last man standing, "" how often do you have sex?"" Still grinning, the man says ""Once a year"" The therapist is surprised and says, ""Once a year???, why are you grinning"" The man replies, ""Tonight's the night!""" +37824,1,What is Muhammad Ali's nickname after he eats beans? Gassius Clay +37825,2,How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A Brazilian. +37826,1,"Accendtly said ""you too"" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together." +37827,0,Genders are very similar to the twin towers There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject to talk about with people +37828,2,Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away. +37829,7,"Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates. While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp. After some chatting, one says to the other: ""remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?"" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically. Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: ""remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?"" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy. God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events. They both look up and say: ""Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there""." +37830,1,"Article 13? Someone in the EU. If pirating is the illegal download of media, the someone please pirate a pirate meme." +37831,4,"If someone cloned me without my permission and then sat that clone down right next to me, do you know how angry I would be? I would be beside myself. " +37832,5,My therapist gave me a pamphlet on anger management I lost it. +37833,0,How do you get Trump to pull out during sex? Tell him you're from Syria. +37834,2,I had a terrible headache in a Chinese restaurant last night and asked for them to turn off the lights or just dim sum. +37835,4,"A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery ...and come across a gravestone that reads ""here lies a lawyer and a good man"" The boy asks his father ""Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?""" +37836,2,How do lumberjacks keep track of all the trees they cut down? With a logbook. +37837,0,"A cowboy gets married The cowboy approaches the front desk and asks for a room. He says, ""We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."" The clerk winks, ""You want the 'Bridal'?"" The cowboy reflects on this for a moment and then replies, ""Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.""" +37838,0,Why did Bill Cosby go to the hospital? To get a rape kit. +37839,0,"Christains, Muslims, Buddhists, and Jews Has anyone ever noticed that people who follow Christ are Christians, people who follow Muhammad are Muslim, and people who follow Buddha are Buddhists, but followers of Judaism are Jew...ish. Like they hate being Jews so they're like, ""I'm just a little Jew-ish. Not too Jewey just a little Jewish here.""" +37840,2,"Dating! So, the other day I ask this girl out in class and she just looks at me, freaks out, and then calls the police on me. Now I don't know if another elementary school will hire me." +37841,4,"There are 10 types of people in the world... Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke." +37842,0,"When Santa wouldn't leave my house, I realized he was a dependent Claus." +37843,1,"Two pilots are taking off when a bird nearly hits the windshield. The captain says ""Looks like a close encounter of the bird kind.""" +37844,2,"An r/jokes subscriber was fencing... His opponent was confused because he was turning every defensive maneuver into a counterattack without fail. After the game, the opponent asked him about his unorthodox technique. He replied, ""Oh yeah, I'm quite skilled at riposting.""" +37845,0,"I've started 2016 with a goal of losing 20 pounds... Seems like I've lost more, my ATM is empty" +37846,2,"Massage pinis. Sam during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself. After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, ""Massage pinis"". Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife. The Thai masseur again said, ""Massage pinis."" There was silence, yet again ... Finally, his wife spoke... ""Don't raise your hopes, ... She's telling you ""Massage finish!""" +37847,5,Just had two Police at my front door. They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'? I said - ‘No I’m not' 'How about LS'? 'No' 'What about JD'? I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'? They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'. +37848,5,"A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this" +37849,4,"Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies I was fast, she was furious" +37850,2,"Somebody asked Hillary Clinton if she would be going to see 13 hours... She said no, she had already slept through that one." +37851,5,Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was just outstanding in his field. +37852,1,What do you call a flower with no petals? My bud. +37853,6,"A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her." +37854,0,"Beer SixPacks Brewery employees get 50 free sixpacks of beer each month. At some point they learn that their boss receives 150 sixpacks of beer each month free of charge. Slightly annoyed they approch their boss and bring the issue to the table :"" Hey boss we heard that you get to keep 150 free sixpacks each month and for us its only 50. What do you do with the balance?"" The boss answers:"" I have to buy those at the liquor store.""" +37855,2,What is Hitlers favorite reindeer? Blitzen +37856,3,"A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time. ""This ain't a scene,"" he said, ""it's a goddamn arms race.""" +37857,0,What was Chester doing at Linkin Park? Just hangin around +37858,1,"I hate when people ask how I see myself in 2 years My eyesight is shit, I don't have 2020 vision. ​" +37859,3,Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison? for fingering a minor +37860,1,"Hey, this looks like twelve boobs, Dozen tit?" +37861,0,Does anyone know a college where I can get a degree in fishing? I just want to see if I can get credits applied for all my time master baiting. +37862,0,You hear about the French magician with a thick accent? He was a hard act to follow. +37863,4,"The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."" The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. ""Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.” The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, ""All right buddy, what's you're name?"" ""Sam,"" the cowboy moaned. ""Where ya from, Sam?"" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... ""The balcony.""" +37864,0,"With age comes Wisdom Unless you have Alzheimer’s, now what was I going to say again?" +37865,1,What do you call a bunch of chimpanzees who run a children's tv studio? Nickelodeon executives +37866,3,"If i had a dollar for every time Donald Trump said something dumb, I probably wouldn’t pay my taxes either." +37867,9,What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common? They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay. TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc I understand if I get downvoted. +37868,3,Put all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay Imagine all the paypal +37869,5,Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do +37870,4,For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt. then it clicked. +37871,2,Bruce willis was found dead next to a bottle of viagra I guess you could say he died hard +37872,2,Why do pirates like birthday parties? Doubloons. +37873,0,Did you hear about the funeral director who ran out of gas? He was arrested for beating a dead hearse. +37874,5,"A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar... A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers. The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?” The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer. He then says to neutron while giving him the second beer, “For you, no charge.” He then proceeded to throw the last beer into Helium’s face. Helium didn’t react." +37875,1,What do you call a penis made out of molding clay? A dil-doh. +37876,4,"On the back of a pack of condoms it said: ""Keep away from children."" So now I have to get her the morning after pill." +37877,3,What is a ghost's favorite religion? Booddism. +37878,1,Want to Be Remembered By all After You Die?? Just Borrow money From all of your Relatives Before Dying. +37879,1,"A Young Boy gets a train set for his Birthday He is absolutely amazed by this, and he decides right then and there he’s going to be a train conductor. He goes his entire childhood with this dream in mind, working as hard as he can for it. Until he finally graduates and goes to school for this job he wants so bad. The man finally gets the position and is absolutely thrilled. He had his dream job after all these years of work, all of the work he’s done up to this point was for this. He rides the rails for 5 years until the train strikes another train and explodes, killing everyone on both trains except him. He is taken in for re-education, and is given his position back. He rides the rails for another 10 years, and meets a wonderful girl that he marries. Until one day, the train flies off the rails over a cliff and kills everyone on board, except him. The man is stripped of his job for 5 years until he is proven worthy again. Once he finally has his job back due to a shortage of staff, he rides the rails for another 5 years. Until one day, the train the man is on derails at a train station and explodes, killing everyone at the station and on the train, except him. The police finally take him in, and seeing all the deaths on his hands, decide to execute him. The strap him in the electric chair and turn the voltage up. The man doesn’t die and simply looks around confused. The sheriff, being devoutly Catholic takes it as a sign of god, and gives the man life in prison instead. After 2 years in prison, the previous sheriff was fired, and a new one put in his place. This sheriff’s brother was killed in the train station incident, and his first order was to put the man to death. They take him in and strap him in the electric chair. They crank the voltage high enough to kill an elephant, but the man shows no reaction. “What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you die?” Shouts the sheriff angrily “I don’t know” the man replied “I guess I’m just a bad conductor” " +37880,1,My dad told me his last words I dare you to shoot me +37881,5,Why can't PC gamers use Uber? Too many incompatible drivers. +37882,0,What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho Cheese +37883,2,Where do poor Italiens live? In the Spaghetto. Haha molto bene! +37884,7,I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years. +37885,2,A rabbit and a lion once got into an argument... Once +37886,1,"A guy and his girlfriend are at Lover's Leap... ...making out. All of a sudden there is a banging on the car window. He quickly rolls the window down and sees a cop standing there shining his flashlight in the car.. ​ The cop asks, ""What are you doing?"" ​ Scared, the guy replies, ""Nothing, sir!"" ​ ""well, move over and let me in there. You're wasting time.""" +37887,5,What do a bad tire and this reddit post have in common? Neither are likely to get much traction. +37888,0,Yo momma so fat... Flat Earthers don't believe it. +37889,2,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar... Bartender: ""May I help you?"" Rene Descartes: ""I think not"", then disappears." +37890,0,Where do gum chewing cattle invest? Moo-chew-all funds +37891,1,I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn't that funny So I just snickered. +37892,2,What's the difference between Richard Nixon and Trump?? Nixon had a problem with Kissinger -- Donald had a problem with Grabbing-her. +37893,3,"Husband and wife walking down the road Husband tells his wife that her ass is getting so big it looks like an old washing washing machine. Wife just keeps quiet and carries on walking.   Later that night in bed the husband tries to get jiggy with his wife. She isn’t having any of it and says “I’m not starting this washing machine up for such a small load, you’ll have to do it by hand”" +37894,0,A man and a woman are driving. They crash into each other. Whose fault is it? It's the man's fault. Why was he driving in the kitchen? +37895,4,Why didn't the chicken go down the slide? He de-slided not to!!!!! Ha ha.... I have no friends +37896,1,How do you make a fox die? You make it run across Canada im sorry +37897,0,TIFU by presenting a subscriber giveaway to the wrong account whoops wrong sub +37898,0,Why couldn't Pinocchio get a hard-on? He was made out of balsa wood +37899,0,"My Friend is 5'8""... Some people would say he's tall, but I think he's just high." +37900,0,What does a school say when presented with evidence? Holy mackerel. +37901,2,Why are octopuses so dangerous? They're heavily armed. +37902,2,"A bartender is working the bar one night when... ...a homeless man runs inside the bar demanding, ""Gimme a toothpick!"" The bartender shrugs and gives the guy a toothpick. The homeless man runs back outside. Not ten seconds later another homeless man runs into the bar demanding, ""Gimme a toothpick!"" The bartender gives him a toothpick. The homeless man runs back outside. Five seconds later another homeless man runs inside and demands, ""Gimme a straw!"" The bartender, curious, asks, ""Why'd the first two guys ask for toothpicks but you want a straw?"" ""Because,"" the homeless informs him, ""some guy puked on the sidewalk, but all the big chunks are gone!""" +37903,1,"Out of desperation, I robbed a bank dressed as a frog and being a novice, the cops caught me right away. I thought I was going away to the big house for a very long time, but surprisingly, the judge was lenient and let me go... ...because it was the first time I had ever Kermitted a crime." +37904,1,There's nothing I love more than monogamy and mahogany. I've been having sex with the same coffee table for 15 years. +37905,4,"I Am Sikh Khushwant Singh told a friend: ""Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain. During the conversation, she asked, ""what are you?"" I replied, ""I am Sikh."" ""I am sorry,"" said the young lady, ""hope you get well soon."" To this I replied,""no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."" The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me and said, ""it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion."" "" " +37906,2,What do you call an upper class plant A bourgeoitree +37907,0,How to get a pussy wet: Gently lower him/her into the bath tub and watch out for the claws. +37908,0,"I'm being stalked by this weird woman and it's quite scary. She takes my clothes off the line, watches me leave the house every time I go out and keeps sending me friends requests on Facebook. I wish I never married the bitch." +37909,4,Calculators are useless What I need is a calcunow +37910,2,What do you call making four left turns while vaping? A Juulers loop. +37911,0,What did Shaggy catch Scooby doing to Velma? Eating her Scooby Snatch. +37912,0,Never ask a calculator to help you move You can never count on it to help you out +37913,3,"Don't worry if you don't understand the term ""universal predicament"". It's a common problem." +37914,0,"I asked don’t you feel guilty that you stole his joke... ...he said no, it’s all Karma." +37915,1,Why did the mother name her premature baby after her husband? He also came too soon. +37916,0,NASA has turned to Twitter for help in naming the seven recently discovered earth-sized exo-planets... I could think of seven pretty obvious names if only they had been dwarf planets. +37917,0,"What did the pavement say to Shaft after he fell and scraped his elbow? ""Give me some skin!""" +37918,0,Why does a dirt loves drought? Because it cracks them up. +37919,1,"A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, ""Oh, pun the door!""" +37920,0,"Bro, did you just clone yourself? That’s a W." +37921,0,"Another bar joke A man with serious leprosy walks into a cocktail lounge and has a seat at the bar. The bartender asks how he can serve him? The leper asks for a gin and tonic whereupon the bartender fixes the drink and places it on the bar in front of the leper. The bartender immediately turns around and violently throws up behind the bar and then goes about his business. The leper seeing the reaction of the bartender takes out some money and pays for the drink and begins to stand up to leave the bar. The bartender says to the leper, “Sir… you haven't finished your drink.” The leper sheepishly says, “I know but I just saw your reaction and I think I better leave.” The bartender interrupts the leper and says “No sir, it's not you… please just disregard that and finish your drink.” The leper reluctantly sits down and finishes his cocktail. As the leper gets up to leave, the bartender offers him another drink whereupon the leper slowly returns to his bar stool and the bartender prepares a second cocktail for him. Upon placing the second cocktail in front of the leper again the bartender turns around and throws up. Once again the leper is embarrassed and begins to leave and once again the bartender asks him to stay and please disregard his vomiting and just enjoy this cocktail. This continues three or four more times with the bartender vomiting each time he serves the leper a fresh drink. Finally, the leper calls the bartender over and in a quiet voice begins to apologize. He says, “I know I have leprosy and I'm very gross to look at and I am so sorry that my physical appearance and these open sores have caused you to vomit every time you served me a drink.” The bartender begins to shake his head and tells the leper “No sir, it's not your appearance that has been bothering me.” The leper hearing this becomes curious and asks “Well, if its not my appearance, then what has been causing you to get so physically ill?” The bartender replies, “Do you see the drunk guy sitting next to you eating that bag of potato chips? Well, for the last 90 minutes he's been dipping his chips in your right arm!”" +37922,2,I overcooked my Hawaiian pizza I should've put it on Aloha heat +37923,1,"If you’re an American when you walk into the bathroom, and you’re an American when you walk out, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? European" +37924,1,"A man tell his doctor, ''Doc, help me I'm addicted to Twitter!'' The doctor replies, ''Sorry, I don't follow you...''" +37925,0,What note did the piano make as it fell down the mine shaft? A flat minor. +37926,0,I spoke with an ancestor's spirit during a seance today [Removed] +37927,2,Why are some species of cat always endangered? Because cheetahs never prosper +37928,1,What's the title of Julius Caesar's Porno? Vedi Veci Veni +37929,2,"A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read.... A man sitting behind her in the church gently taps her on the shoulder and asks ""do you mind if I say a word?"" ""No, not at all"" she replies. The man stands up, clears his throat and says ""BARGAIN"". He then sits back down. ""Thank you"" the woman says ""it means a great deal""." +37930,3,What did the arts graduate say to the mechanic? Would you like fries with that? +37931,2,What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head while I give these two a lift! +37932,1,What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it? A moot ant +37933,1,How do you make a hormone? Kick her in the cunt. +37934,2,In capitalist America... Bank robs you! +37935,1,"What kind of music does the new group, The Parcel play! Wrap" +37936,0,"When you feel down, remember you’re unique Just like everyone else!" +37937,0,What came first The chicken or the husband? +37938,2,"Chicken and an egg A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is laid back with his wings behind his head, smoking a cigarette and staring at the ceiling with a shit eating grin on his face. The egg is laying on its side facing away from the chicken. The egg rolls over and looks at him with a disgusted look, rolls back over to the other side and mumbles ""well I guess that answers that question"". " +37939,4,"911, what's your emergency? ""I'm masturbating too much."" Sir that's not really a problem. ""One sec. HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE.""" +37940,2,"An elderly couple with Alzheimer's go to their doctor After the evaluation, the doctor says, ""there's no pill or procedure that I can give you two to help with your memory, you're just going to have to write your thoughts down so you don't forget later."" They agree and thank the doctor. One night, while sitting on the couch together, the wife asks her husband to go to the kitchen and get her a bowl of chocolate ice cream from the freezer. He starts to get up and she says ""make sure to write it down so you won't forget honey"" ""Are you kidding me? I won't forget a bowl of chocolate ice cream"" He starts to walk into the kitchen until she stops him; ""Wait I want chocolate syrup on mine! Make sure you write it down!"" ""I won't forget a bowl of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup on it!"" Again starts walking, ""wait I want nuts on mine!"" ""I won't forget a bowl of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup and nuts on it!"" He finally walks into the kitchen. He comes back 10 minutes later with a big plate of bacon and eggs. His wife looks at him disgusted and yells at him: ""YOU IDIOT! You forgot the toast!"" " +37941,1,Who was the first carpenter? Eve. Because she made Adam's banana stand. +37942,2,How do you tell your nerdy friend is suicidal? He dresses up as Jar Jar Binks at Comic Con. +37943,0,Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself. But the gun is like... way over there. +37944,0,Hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? Made him an offer he couldnt understand +37945,4,Whats the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free. +37946,0,"I went to a job interview today... The interviewer had pictures of himself holding up dead alligators, Nascar posters, and a picture of himself wearing a confederate flag shirt on his wall. I left the interview after only a minute. Too many red flags." +37947,0,I had to get a new set of knifes the other day The old ones just don't cut it any more +37948,0,"A muslim girl came up to me and said ""man i got stoned last night"" So i said "" What did you do to piss your family off""" +37949,1,"A old man goes to see his doctor... ...and says ""Doctor, I've got a problem. Every morning at exactly 08.00 I have a bowel movement!"" ""Well that's quite healthy for a man of your age, why is that a problem?"" replies the doctor. ""I don't get up till 09.00""" +37950,0,"The three of us have never been so insulted. My little brother told me ""YOUR mom is also MY mom!""" +37951,0,"What did the Doctor say to his impotent patient? Hey, long time no see man." +37952,0,What do you call an epileptic working in a garden? Seizure salad. +37953,4,"You can test an ant’s gender in water... If you put it in water and it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If you put it in the water and it floats, buoyant." +37954,2,"A man doesn't trust his wife... He calls her from his work all the time asking where she is. She always tells him that she's in the kitchen preparing food. And so he asks her to turn on the mixer for proof, which she does. One day he called his son and asked him where his mom is. His son said: ""She went out like everyday... and took the mixer with her.""" +37955,0,"TIFU by sending the wrong thing to Africa After working for the UN for awhile, I discovered that I was supposed to send aid to Africa... not AIDS. " +37956,5,"I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, ""Hello."" At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…" +37957,0,When Relatives Attack There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. +37958,2,How did the Egyptians trick their slaves into working so hard? With a pyramid scheme. +37959,0,What does a stripper do her asshole before she goes to work? She drops him off at band practise. +37960,0,When I die I want to be calm and quiet like my granddad. Not screaming like his passengers. +37961,1,How many letters are in a poet's name? Usually just a couple of Wordsworth +37962,2,What do you call a man with a rubber toe ? Roberto +37963,2,How do you get Lady Gaga’s attention? You Poke Her Face +37964,4,"I used to work in food service, now I work in IT The biggest difference is the phrase ""My server went down on me"" is no longer a good thing. " +37965,1,"Cheating I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. " +37966,0,What is the retired battleships favorite shop Old Navy +37967,6,Do YOU remember your First Blowjob? Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Dad: Oh yeah I do! Son: How did it taste? +37968,3,If at first you don't succeed... Skydiving obviously shouldn't be your hobby +37969,0,What do you call an Asian dog? Breakfast +37970,3,Why does a keyboard work day and night? Because it has two shifts! +37971,1,"Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn. Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn. Sure he’d clinched the argument, the first Eskimo pulled back his polar-bear-skin blanket and revealed that his bed was made of ice. “Nah, mine’s colder,” claimed the second Eskimo. And when they reached his igloo, it was snowing inside. “Pretty cold,” conceded the third Eskimo, “but I’ve got you beat.” He led the way to his igloo, where he pulled back the bedcovers to reveal a brown spot on the bed. Chipping it off with an ice pick, he tossed it into the fire, and after several minutes a noise came forth like someone passing gas. In response to the puzzled glances of the other two Eskimos, he explained with a smile, “Frozen fart.”" +37972,2,I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood. Kids use to cover me in chocolate and frosting and put cherries on my head. Life was tough in the gateau. +37973,4,"The Hunter and the Priest One day a priest was tending to the church grounds when he spotted a hunter with his days catch of rabbits strolling across the graveyard. The priest thought nothing of the hunter and presumed he was using the graveyard as a shortcut to reach the local Tavern. While the Priest was watching, he witnessed the hunter pull down his trousers and take a shit behind one of the gravestones. The hunter finished shitting pulled up his trousers and carried on his way toward the Tavern. The priest being completely shocked at what he had just witnessed did not come to his senses until the hunter had left the area. The next day the Priest was again tending to the church grounds when he spotted the Hunter walking through the graveyard once again stopping half way to take a shit then carry on towards the Tavern. The Priest hurried after the Hunter into the tavern and found him sat at the bar drinking, the Priest approached the Hunter and asked to purchase one of his freshly caught rabbits for his evening supper. The hunter obliged and carried on with his drinking. On the third day the Priest hid behind a bush close to the Hunters shitting spot and sure enough the Hunter came wondering by, dropped his trousers and began to shit. The Priest crept up behind the Hunter and placed the butchered rabbits entrails from his previous nights supper underneath the Hunter and scurried away to the Tavern without the shitting Hunter noticing. Just as the Priest had settled himself at the bar the Hunter came bursting through the Tavern doors demanding the strongest drink in the house. ""Hunter, whats wrong?"" asked the priest with a wry smile on his face. ""It was awful Father"" gasped the Hunter, ""I was taking a shit and looked round to see my guts had come out!"" The Hunter slammed his drink down, demanded another and continued ""It's alright though, I think I got them all back in!"" " +37974,2,Great wine is like great jazz... It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same. +37975,2,"A daughter walks up to her dad And says ""Dad.. I'm lesbian"". Her sister standing behind her says ""Me too!"" The dad replies ""Does anybody in this house like boys?!"" ""I do!"" Says his son " +37976,0,"Things you can say while having sex, at the dinner table, while dating and at a funeral Comment your best shot" +37977,1,Why does everyone hate anti-jokes? because they are not funny +37978,0,I failed my spelling test I got an F for f-ort. +37979,3,"An Irishman at the bar. A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent: ""You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."" He continued ""Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."" ""Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."" ""But ya fuck one goat.."" ​ (Just a repost of one of my favourite jokes)" +37980,0,"West Virginian says to his friend, “all the girls here are ugly.” “That’s relative,” his friend responds. " +37981,1,"I made a movie about freezing time I showed it to some people, but they thought it was just a picture. It's 3 hours and 27 minutes long...if you don't pause" +37982,0,what is the largest dillema for jews? free ham +37983,0,Did you hear about the newly proposed theory of inertia? It is failing to gain any momentum as yet ... +37984,5,"What do you get when you spell ""man"" backwards? Flashbacks" +37985,0,My friend was doing impersonations of The A-Team. I told him they were amazing. You should have seen his Face... +37986,2,"Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog. They told me: ""No outside food allowed!""" +37987,0,"my phone and my wife My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''" +37988,2,"Have you heard the dirty pun about the teenager who got his teacher pregnant? Nevermind, it's just a juvenile dad joke." +37989,2,I tried water polo but... My horse drowned. +37990,3,"A guy dies and goes to heaven When he gets to the Pearly Gates St Peter is waiting for him St Peter says he's going to review his life and then decide if he's worthy to go into heaven. St Peter looks through the book of this man's life and says to the man"" well you haven't really sinned but you haven't ever done anything worthwhile either"" can you give me an incident in your life that would make you worthy to get into heaven? The man says well I was driving my truck and I looked over and there was a gang of bikers attacking a woman so I stopped my car got out and confronted the bikers I said hey leave that woman alone what kind of man are you beating up on a helpless woman let's see you take on a real man St Peter says wow that's really Noble when did that happen in your life? The man replies About ten minutes ago" +37991,1,"Just back from the sperm donation clinic... Nurse asked me ‘could you masturbate in the cup’ I said im good, but not competition standard" +37992,1,"A man's girlfriend shaves her pussy in the shower. His girlfriend says ""Hey babe, I shaved my pussy...you know what that means?"" The man replies ""Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again.""" +37993,0,"I was detained at airport security, because the metal detector caught my braces... I guess you could say I was armed to the teeth." +37994,0,"A Mug Of Beer There's a man in the back of the bar playing pool with three other guys. After the game the man walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender pores the beer into a mug and puts it on the bar. The man drinks the beer and sets it back on bar. He calls the bartender over and tells him. I bet you 100 dollars that not only can I piss in that mug on the bar I won't even splash any on the bar. The bartender say ok buddy your on. The man stands up and pulls his junk out and starts pissing. He pissis on the bar stool, pissis all over the bar ,and he even pissis on the bartender. The bartender starts laughing real loud and say ok pay up . The man has a grin from ear to ear when he says a bets a bets mister here's you 100 dollars. As the bartender grabs his money he asks the man why are you so happy you just lost 100 dollars? The man looks at the bartender straight in the face and says I'm so happy because I bet those guys in the back room 500 dollars that not only would you let me piss all over your bar you would let me piss on you and you would be happy about it." +37995,1,I've discovered the trick to making my penis 12 inches long... just fold it in half. +37996,2,The doctor told me that my dad died from choking on Viagra. It was a hard pill to swallow. +37997,2,"A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said ""it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks."" The couple were so disappointed and when they go back to the hotel, the groom goes to the bar. The bartender there asks what he is doing on his own and the groom fills him in on the story ""I just don't know what to do, I can't make love to my wife on our honeymoon"". The bartender looks at him with concern and says ""aaah bummer mate"". The groom looks at him with delight ""you're a genius thank you so much!""" +37998,0,What colour makes vehicles go. Khaki. +37999,0,What leads every dictatorship? A dick +38000,1,A midget stumbles out of a bar He's a little drunk. +38001,0,Our local butcher unfortunately backed into his meat grinder.... He got a little behind in his orders. +38002,0,"The Cosby trail will be the first time The saying ""the proof is in the pudding"" will be accepted in court " +38003,1,Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: Of course not honey! Your fat makes you look fat. +38004,2,"Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man." +38005,2,"A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew, and an atheist go to a coffee shop A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew and an atheist go to a coffee shop ... and they communicate, have fun, drink coffee, and become good friends. This is what happens when people are not assholes." +38006,2,How do you wake up lady gaga? You poke her face +38007,0,"[NSFW] Guy walks into a butcher’s shop Butcher asks, “Hey buddy, thinking about buying some meat?” Guy says, “Nah, I’m *going* to buy some meat. I’m thinking ‘bout poon-tang”" +38008,1,"Fart your guts out There was a husband and a wife. As they grew older, the husband would let out the nastiest farts in the world, and the wife grew sick of it. One Thanksgiving, she couldn't cook or even look at the food, because his farts were so terrible that she'd want to throw up. She asked him, ""How can you hear the game over those loud farts??"" He just told her, ""So what if I fart? It ain't hurting no one."" ""You know, one day, you're going to fart so hard that your guts will pour out of your butt."" An idea struck. The wife removed the giblets and guts from the turkey and she'd wait until he fell asleep. As he snored away, she stuffed the giblets and guts in his pants. It would feel like he had farted his guts out. When she finished stuffing the turkey, she noticed he was awake. She went in and nonchalantly asked him, ""What's that smell?"" He said, ""Oh, I guess I farted so hard, my guts came out. But don't worry, I just pushed em back in."" " +38009,2,"Two snakes are slithering through the forest when one stops and looks at the other ""Hey Carl"" he says ""Are we poisonous?"" The other snake stops and thinks for a second ""honestly, I have no idea, why?"" He asks The first snake responds in a worried voice ""because I just bit my tongue"" " +38010,2,"A group wearing tuxedos were sat down in a coffee shop, when a car suddenly smashed through the shop front. Thankfully there were no casual teas" +38011,3,Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year I guess you could call it a waste of time. +38012,7,"I don't understand why dogs are called ""Man's best friend."" Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye." +38013,3,How do you keep a Redditor busy for hours? [This joke is a repost. Find the original post for the punchline.] +38014,1,My dad said that if you do what you love you would not work a day in your life. I love drugs +38015,0,Why do you never see any gay Egyptian Sailors? Because they're all in de Nile. +38016,0,Why is CS:GO the most deadly game ever made? Because it has the most toxic players. +38017,3,What do people and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe. +38018,1,"I had to break up with my girlfriend, she doesn't like Star Trek. I told her I need some space." +38019,0,Before the invention of a saber a saber-toothed tiger was called a teeth-unlike-anything tiger. +38020,0,"If you ever get bored, punch an Orphan What are they going to do, tell their parents?" +38021,0,"I was texting my friend about the election. After seeing that Clinton had won Virginia, I said ""Hey, Clinton won Virginia!"" My friend responded with ""Lol, I read that as 'Clinton won Viagra.'"" I replied: ""Seek immediate medical help for an election lasting longer than four hours.""" +38022,7,"A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun Walk into a bar" +38023,0,"A girl asks her dyslexic friend her opinion about a guy that’s asked her out. In a failed attempt to encourage her, she says... “He’s a peeker!”" +38024,1,"A joke my friend told me This morning, I was talking to my friend Dave who is a father. Me: Hey Dave, your clothes look gay. Dave: Yeah, maybe that's because they came out of the closet this morning" +38025,4,When you’ve seen one shopping center You’ve seen a mall +38026,1,Did you hear about the balancing beauty queen? She was pretty on the ball. +38027,3,"Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion." +38028,0,How do Millenials change a light bulb? They ask for assistance +38029,3,"Women. Women will always say, the most excruciating pain in Life is Child Birth, I think different, I say the most excruciating pain in life is a kick in the Bollocks, after a couple of Years A Woman will say, shall we have another Baby, do Men look up and say can I have another kick in the Bollocks??.." +38030,0,A girl went to go visit Santa When the girl got there Santa asked 'what do you want for Christmas?' The girl replied 'I want a unicorn.' Then Santa said 'let's be more realistic.' To that the girl said 'fine then I want a boyfriend.' Then Santa said 'alright so what colour of unicorn do you want?' +38031,1,I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a guy on the rowing machine He didn't like being whipped +38032,1,"Took an online IQ test and they said it'll cost $20 to get my results. Geez, I'm not that dumb." +38033,0,"Hey girl, are you an orphanage? Because I want to give you kids." +38034,0,Why did the goldsmith engrave a baby swan on the face of the king's ring? He thought the king had ordered him to make a cygnet ring. +38035,0,What was the hardest part about Michael Jackson having an autograph session with kids? Michael Jackson. +38036,2,Where does the Pirate keep his buccaneers? Under his buccan-hat. +38037,1,Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms... If they have such an exceptional ground state +38038,0,What do you call a rapper who likes cheese and comes from Switzerland? Eminemental. +38039,1,What's the difference between a politician and a computer? logic +38040,2,"A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar The bartender says, ""Can I get you guys anything else?"" The queen replies, ""Just the check, mate.""" +38041,3,What's The Pope's favorite chord? G Sus +38042,1,I’ve heard that ‘obsessed’ is a word lazy people use to describe ‘dedication.’ But I would never call my wife lazy. +38043,2,"Little Johnny... Wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go to the bathroom. On his way down the hall he hears a bunch of noise coming from his parents room. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he opens the door to find his mom on all fours, with his dad behind her, just going to town. Little Johnny's dad starts laughing, but tells Johnny to get out, close the door and go back to bed. The next night, Little Johnny's dad wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a lot of commotion coming from Johnny's room. He opens the door, and there's little Johnny behind his grandmother - naked on all fours. His dad yells ""Little Johnny! What the fuck are you doing?"" ""Yeah, its not so funny when its your mom, is it?"" Side note: These are the jokes my dad told me growing up. " +38044,1,Today is a perfect day 5/7 +38045,4,Some lowlife stole my Tesla today. I guess now it's an Edison. +38046,1,What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history? Impeachment +38047,0,Why was the mathbook so sad It had so many problems +38048,0,r/jokes! Help me out. I'm in over my head in a pun war. Give me your best zingers! +38049,3,"NSFW Old Lady and Two bags A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”" +38050,2,"A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach... A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away! She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, ""Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"" A voice booms from the sky, ""Okay, Okay!"" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again, ""I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"" She responds, ""He had a hat....." +38051,0,"What's the greatest thing about having a mute friend with no limbs? He will never tell my deepest, darkest secrets." +38052,3,What's the difference between everybody and bullets? Everybody misses Harambe. +38053,1,Did you hear about the man who was caught in bed with an optical illusion? He said “This isn’t what it looks like!” +38054,1,"Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor? He never mentions ""on the other hand""" +38055,5,"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... ...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage." +38056,0,"Venezuelan socialism Helicopter attack on Venezuela supreme court shows socialism succeeding too well, as shown by widespread public availability of helicopters." +38057,4,"Some foods give me sleepless nights, I told my wife. ""Like what?"" she asked. ""Brussels Sprouts."" ""But you don't eat Brussels Sprouts."" ""No,"" I said, ""but you do.""" +38058,0,You know Neo doesn't find everything breathtaking... He does have his Keanu Peeves. +38059,4,The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged I was speechless +38060,5,I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party. Everyone came! You should've seen her face. +38061,6,"The Husband Store Recently a ""Husband Super Store"" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, ""These men have jobs and love kids."" The women read the sign and said, ""Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, ""These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."" ""Hmmm,"" said the ladies, ""But, I wonder what's further up?"" Third floor This sign read, ""These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."" ""Wow,"" said the women, ""Very tempting."" But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying ""These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."" ""Oh, mercy me,"" they cried, ""Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, ""This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."" " +38062,0,"The doctor told my wife we can't have sex for 6 weeks after birth... I asked, ""What did your dentist say?""" +38063,0,"My mom was a Lollipop Lady By that, I mean she had a very thin body and a large round head." +38064,6,"A guy walks into a bar and notices a jar of money on the bar. A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ""What's up with the jar?"" ""Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..."" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. ""What are the three tests?"" ""Pay first. Those are the rules,"" says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. ""O.K.,"" the bartender says. ""Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."" The man is stunned. ""I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"" ""Your call,"" says the bartender, ""but your money stays where it is."" As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, ""Where's zat tequila?"" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. ""NOW,"" he says, ""Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?""" +38065,0,"They always said, ""Dress for job you want."" I've been dressed as a serial killer for years and no one's even noticed" +38066,4,My flat earther friend told me he would walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat! In the end he came around. +38067,0,"Valentines Day is the day ""V"" and ""D"" come together finally" +38068,1,wanna know why a day is 24 hours long? because scientists got tired watching the earth spin for 24 hours so they called it a day +38069,0,Do you know what happens when you eat too many wontons? You weigh wonton! +38070,2,Nobody showed up for my Time Traveler-themed New Year's party I guess I shouldn't bother with sending the invitations next week after all. +38071,0,"An Indian was teaching his grandson how to hunt. He looks down at the ground and says, ""White man was here."" His grandson says, ""Really?! How can you tell?"" ""Yellow snow. He wrote his name""" +38072,2,"A couple wants a divorce A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, ""Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."" The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, ""OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine""" +38073,4,Whats 69+69? Dinner for four +38074,2,Easy weight loss technique: Step 1: Initiate Brexit. Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week. +38075,0,A Afghan war veteran took a class in woman studies. Now both men on horses and men on cows triggers his PTSD +38076,2,"A very wealthy man goes in a New Your bank and loans $10, leaving his Rolls Royce for collateral. He then goes on a trip overseas, and returns a month later. He immediately goes to the bank, pays the $10 plus 5 cents interest, and turns to leave. The president of the bank can't contain himself, and rushes up to the man to ask ""Why did you borrow $10 when you're so rich? And why leave a $200K Rolls Royce as collateral?"" The man chuckles, and says ""Where else could I store it for a month for only a nickle?""" +38077,1,Frenchman Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. +38078,0,What did the Moth say to the other Moth? I'Moth +38079,0,"“Dad, there’s a monster under my bed!” A kid cries. The dad looks under, frowns, and pulls up a Kirby plush. “Son, this is an adorable orb from space.”" +38080,0,What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump ? One's a dumb and the other is dumber +38081,1,Be careful! Someone's using this sub to target victims He's a real predditor +38082,5,"Little Johnny has questions for his mother. The first thing he asks is, ""How old are you?"" His mother says, ""It's impolite to ask a lady how old she is."" He then asks, ""How much do you weigh?"" to which she says, ""Johnny, that's impolite too!"" He asks, ""Why did Dad leave?"" His mother sighs, and says, ""I don't want to talk about that."" Unsatisfied with her answers, Little Johnny ran off. He returns five minutes later holding her license. ""Mommy, I figured it out! You're 35, you weigh 189 pounds, and Daddy left because you got an F in sex!""" +38083,2,What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can actually punch information into a computer +38084,1,"How fast is a grizzly bear Two guyes are hiking in the mountains. They stumble on an angry grizzly bear. The one guy bends down to tighten his shoelaces. What, asked the other guy, do you really think you can out run a grizzly bear? Nope, answered the first guy, but I know I can out run you" +38085,2,I made a mistake at the grocery store. I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up +38086,1,"Donald Trump has had a rough week, getting caught sleeping with a porn star and whatnot. I guess you can say it has been quite... Stormy." +38087,1,"A painter asked: How am I selling? Gallery Owner: Well there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he brought everything you had in the gallery. Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news? Gallery Owner: He was your doctor " +38088,0,"A man is taking a country drive one afternoon ... just enjoying the sights and smells of the rural life. He sees an old country store and pulls in for a coke. The store seems to have anything and everything for sale, and he sees an old man next to the counter, apparently the owner. Beside him lies a pig with his left leg missing and a gold medal on a ribbon around his neck . ""Is that pig a pet?"" he asked the owner. ""A pet and a hero."" answers the owner.""When we had the tornado 5 years past, he came running, broke down the sty and rescued 4 of the family."" ""Amazing"" the man said, ""Is that how he lost his leg?"" ""Naw"" said the owner ""That's where he got his first hero ribbon. Then there was the time the house caught a-fire and that time, he rescued the baby and two other kids. That's where he got the medal he's wearing"" The man finally asks ""Well tell me, how did he lose the leg?"" The owner considers the man a minute and answers ""Well' it's like this, mister, You don't eat a pig like that all at once."" " +38089,0,What did the police say when they finished interviewing Dylann Roof? You're hired +38090,7,"The cow boys watch.... A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No"", he replies,""I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What""s so special about it?"" The cowboy explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What""s it telling you now?"" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies ""Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ""Damn thing's an hour fast.""" +38091,0,What do Pink Floyd and Princess Di have in common? The wall. +38092,4,"[Dirty] A woman was jogging down the beach. A woman was jogging down the beach as she spots this man alone heavily crying. She stops and asks the man ""What's wrong?"" The man sobs ""Well to start off, I've lived my whole life without arms or legs and my doctor told me I only have a few months left to live."" She replies ""I'm very sorry to hear that"" as she notices he really doesn't have any arms or legs, ""Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"" The man states ""Well there is one thing, I've never had a real kiss from a woman."" So the woman leans over to kiss the man and he stops crying. They chat for a few minutes until the man starts crying again. The woman then asks him ""What's wrong now?"" ""Well I also haven't been fucked in my life,"" the man replies. So the woman jogs to the dock while carrying the man on her back. The woman then throws him off the edge of the dock screaming ""WELL YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"" " +38093,2,If i had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..... Then i could afford a house in the economy they ruined. +38094,1,A Jewish man and a Chinese woman get married and have a kid. They want to pick a name that reflects both of their cultures. They think and think and finally settle on the name Chaching The man's younger brother marries a Native American woman. They too want a name to reflect both of their cultures. They decide on Smoked Whitefish. +38095,0,A marine gets a sponsorship deal For Crayola +38096,1,What is Isaac Newton's favorite TV show? Gravity Falls +38097,6,"Never fall asleep in church. A elderly couple by the names of George and Martha go to church one Sunday. Unfortunately, Martha has a terrible habit of falling asleep during the service, and it embarrassed George something awful. So the sly old man came up with a plan: Everytime his wife would nod off, he'd prick her with a needle. So the sermon starts and the preacher works up the crowd with a couple ""hallelujahs"" and ""amens,"" and sure enough, old Martha nods off. George readies the pin and, just as the priest says, ""And to whom, my faithful servants, do we owe everything good in our lives?"" George gives his wife a sharp jab in the side, to which she responds with a powerful ""My God!"" The preacher basks in the enthusiasm of his disciples and continues on with the sermon as though nothing has happened. Martha, embarrassed and confused, rubs her side and continues on worshipping. George slips the pin out of sight, pleased by the results. Not fifteen minutes later, as the preacher whips his worshippers into another frenzy of praise and passion, old Martha starts nodding off. Her eyelids are drooping and her head's beginning to tilt. George, always quick to take notice, readies his secret weapon again, poising it just off his wife's hip. Sure enough, just as the preacher calls to the crowd, ""And who, my beloved warriors of light, died for our sins?"" he jabs it home. Martha jolts as if she's been electrified and gasps loudly amid the others, ""Jesus Christ!"" The preacher takes their word as gospel and continues. George quickly slips the pin under his leg once more, looking innocent as a newborn. Martha, with her side smarting, falls back into a pattern of fervent worship. Not twenty minutes later, however, the poor old girl is beginning to nod off yet again. George, in his sly state, takes note immediately, and readies the pin for yet another assault. Just as the preacher shouts to the heavens, ""Now, my children, what did Eve say to Adam after siring their 99th child?"" George makes one final jab, but this time Martha sees it, and she shouts: ""IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, YOU OLD BASTARD, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SIDEWAYS!"" Edit: Fuck the choir. It didn't faint. They had an orgy. " +38098,4,"Voodoo Penis A New Orleans businessman was getting ready for a long business trip, so he thought he would get his horny wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop in the French Quarters and explained his situation. The salesman said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis”. The husband said “The what?” The man said it again and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said it’s just a dildo. The salesman then pointed to the door and said, “Voodoo Penis, door!” The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo Penis, in my vagina” The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop giving me orgasms” The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, “Yeah right, Voodoo Penis, my ass!” " +38099,0,"3 animals are inexplicably immune to the cold and their names start with the letter P Polar bears, penguins, and prostitutes." +38100,3,What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *wack* “darn” A skydiver goes “darn” *wack* +38101,0,What do you call a driving sheep? A Jeep +38102,0,Don't settle for shampoo! Demand real poo! +38103,0,Hey you went to that Irish-American bar didn't you? I heard it wasn't great... Yeah it was bad. Never Bennigan. +38104,4,Why is proctology called proctology? Because analogy was already taken. +38105,0,"Where have you been? You've missed the last 3 days of work! ""But the man on TV told me to stay tuned!""" +38106,0,What did the Miss Teen USA contestant say to Donald Trump? Are you grabbing it yet?? +38107,0,there was a man who lost his left hand but he's all-right now +38108,2,How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They don't screw it in. They just wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for 20 years. +38109,0,Broccoli It’s just E. Coli for your bro +38110,1,A good book is like the family pet Hard to put down +38111,0,"Two married buddies are out drinking one night. One turns to the other and says, ""You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"" His buddy looks at him and says, ""Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."" edit: It's funny, because last time I posted this it got 5458 upvotes in the first day." +38112,3,"Wouldn't it be amazing if Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up? Yeah, they would be alloys!" +38113,2,What is Bielefeld's Zip Code? 404 +38114,2,"i asked my trainer which machine at the gym i should use to impress the girls... he pointed outside and said "" the ATM machine"" i had 15$'s left though.." +38115,0,I shouldn't have left my father fill my college admission form Very long is what he wrote against my mother tongue +38116,0,What's the difference between Au and Ar? My son isn't *ar*tistic... +38117,0,"A Roman receives a text message.... A Roman receives a text message and looks at it confused. ""Why does it end with twenty?"" he thinks to himself." +38118,3,What do you call it when you steal a bottle of Jack Daniel's? A Whiskey Move +38119,2,"A scientists caught a fly to perform an experiment. So he says to his assistant to cut off fly's wings and 2 of its legs. The scientist says to the fly: - Crawl. - and the fly crawls, - Ok, write it down ""After removing 2 legs the fly still crawls"". And the assistant writes it down. - Remove 2 more. - says the first. - Now, fly, crawl. And it does. - Write it down "" After removing 4 legs, the fly still crawls."" Now remove last 2 legs. And the assistant does. - Crawl, fly. Crawl. - said the scientist. It doesn't move. So the scientist says: - Ok, write this down assistant : ""After removing all 6 legs - the fly lost its hearing.""" +38120,1,"Man goes to a doctor because he has a clown growing off of his neck. Doctor tells him, ""Don't worry, it's nothing serious""" +38121,3,"After ten years of therapy, my analyst told me something that brought tears to my eyes... No hablo ingles." +38122,0,What do Windows fans do when someone brings up Apple? They micro-scoff. +38123,0,You ever been to the strip club on that ice planet? I heard it's pretty Hoth +38124,0,"What is acorn? One corn. Because if there were many, then it would have been a lot of corn." +38125,3,"So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift. Well, he was obviously coming down with something." +38126,0,What spell do wizards use when performing an abortion? Fetus Deletus +38127,4,Just found an origami porn channel. But it is paper view only. +38128,0,"Bumpy train ride. A man traveling on a train slowly drifts off to sleep only to be woken up by the train shaking like uncontrollably.He looks out the window to see what is going on and he realizes that the train is no longer on the tracks and is in the middle of the woods.he races up to the train driver and says” hey what is going on, why is the train off the track?” To that the train driver said “ there was a man laying on the tracks to commit suicide so I drove the train off the tracks “. the other man replied “ you should have just hit him instead of risking everyone’s life “ to the the driver said“ that’s what I am doing. The SOB got scared and ran away last second”" +38129,0,What do you call a chicken in a law office? Legal tender. +38130,2,"Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military? They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is ""To protect the very fabric of our nation.""" +38131,1,"Peter & The Devil Peter and the Devil are both sitting on top of mountains where the entrances are for both heaven and hell. Once every week they meet in the valley to discuss business. However one day Peter is sick and tired of dragging every week his books and papers down the valley, let alone carrying it up again to the pearly gates. So one week he ask the devil if it would be a good idea to build a bridge between both mountains with a meeting room in the middle. The devil agrees, and as the week proceeds the devil builds his way to the middle and sees that Peter hasn't even started. He angrily shouts at Peter asking why he did not start yet with his side of the bridge, when Peter replies:""I searched throughout the whole of heaven and I couldn't find a contractor to build my bridge""." +38132,4,"My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type... As he died, he kept insisting for us to ""be positive,"" but it's hard without him. " +38133,2,"What did the 0 say to the 8? ""Nice belt!""" +38134,5,What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? Santa goes *down* the chimney. +38135,0,What do you call a bad lemon? A lemon. +38136,0,I think suicide should be... ... punishable by death. +38137,0,How do you tell a serial killer to hide the body faster? Chop Chop +38138,0,"I just saw my buddy scratchin' his dreads... In other news, water is wet." +38139,1,"The Good Old Days [long] There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!” Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the store and get candy.“ Grandpa replied “Candy? Why, back in the good old days I used to love to get candy! That was my favorite thing to do! Tell me Timmy, where do *you* go to get candy these days?“ Timmy replied “Well Grandpa, Mommy takes me to the Bulk Barn.“ “The bulk barn? Why, back in the good all days, we didn’t *have* Bulk Barn. We had the Five and Dime store, and you could get purt'near anything you could needed there, including all the candy you could want!"" Well, Timmy thought that sounded pretty good. Then Grandpa asked him “So tell me Timmy, how do you get to the bulk barn?“ “Well Grandpa, it takes about 10 minutes by car to get there.“ “10 minutes by car? Why, back in the good old days we didn’t *have* to get a ride. We could just walk ourselves right over to the five and dime. Or if we wanted to get there twice as fast we could take our bikes!“ Well, Timmy thought that sounded pretty good too. So they got in the car and started driving toward the Bulk Barn. Then Grandpa asked Timmy “Say tell me Timmy, how much do usually spend on candy at the Bulk Barn?“ “Well, Mommy usually gives me five dollars to spend.“ ""Five dollars?!?“ Grandpa nearly drove off the road. “Five dollars?? Why, back in the good old days, we didn’t *have* five dollars. Back in the good old days I could take a *single nickel* to the five and dime store, and I would come home with two chocolate bars, a bag of chips, three bottles of pop and a whole pocketful of gum!” “Wow Grampa, is that because the five and dime store was so cheap?“ asked Timmy. “No“ send Grandpa. “It’s because back in the good old days they didn’t *have* security cameras.“" +38140,0,What Do You Call A Lactose Intolerant Cow... Dead... +38141,1,"A dog had three puppies: Mopsy, Topsy, and Spot. What was the mother's name. 'What'" +38142,1,What's the difference between a bitch and a hoe? The hoe fucks everyone at the party. The bitch fuck everyone but you. +38143,1,"A Successful Lawyer A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son. ""Dad,"" he said, ""there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!"" That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I get Blue into that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son said. 'I'll get him into the course.' So his father sent the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again. 'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father enquired. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.' 'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.' The money promptly arrived.  But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father. 'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy said. 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' The father groaned and whispered, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!' 'I sure did, dad!' 'That's my boy!' **The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.**" +38144,0,What do you call an unemployed guy who dreams about work all night? Please help me. I just know an amazing punchline is here somewhere +38145,0,"There once was an Emperor of the Byzantines who loved poetry. This emperor was enamored with poetry, but loved no poetry more than those read by his Court Poet, Jiddles. Often, the emperor would ask Jiddles to entertain him with a grand poem whenever he found himself in a sour mood. Eventually, there came a day where the emperor was so taken with Jiddles' poems that he decided to try his hand at writing some poems himself. He secluded himself and spent an entire week on his poem, trying to write the best piece of literature ever read. When he finally finished, he excitedly called Jiddles into his throne room. ""Jiddles, I believe I have written a poem truly worthy of song! Have a listen."" The emperor, with all the spirit and emotion he could muster, read his poem in a thundering voice throughout the throne room. When he finished, he stood proudly and looked to Jiddles. ""Well my boy? What do you think? Was it a poem worthy of dubbing me Basileus?"" Jiddles looked at the emperor uncomforably and replied, ""Your Imperial Majesty, I'm afraid...it could use some work. It was rather weak."" The emperor, unable to control his rage at all the hard work he put in, yelled for his guards. ""My Varangians! Seize this poet and throw him in the stables for speaking out against the emperor!"" With little effort, Jiddles was manhandled by the guards and hauled to the stables, where he was forced to sit in for two days. Several months later, the emperor grew curious about poetry again. He, once more, decided to try his hand at writing a poem. This time, he locked himself away for two weeks, which grew quite concerning to his wife and court. Finally, however, he left his chambers, poem in hand, and demanded that Jiddles be brought before him in the throne room at once. Jiddles entered warily. He approached the emperor and said, ""How may I help you, Your Imperial Majesty?"" ""Jiddles, I'm prepared to tear you a poetic new one!"" The emperor excitedly exclaimed. ""This poem will be worthy of more than song. There will be tales written of me, the Poetic Emperor! Gilgamesh will wet himself from his grave. And, the greatest prize of all, my wife will say that I am finally ready to talk to my in-laws!"" Jiddles issued no reaction. The emperor began reading his new ballad with a fervor he never knew he had. From the darkest recesses of his mind, he spoke like history's greatest general about to lead an army to war. The room shook with the power of the emperor's vocal chords. At long last, he finished, completely out of breath. He looked to his servant. ""Well Jiddles? How did that one tickle your Basileus?"" With no words, Jiddles turned around and began walking out of the throne room. ""Jiddles? Where are you going?!"" the emperor demanded. With a simple turn, he looked at the emperor and said, ""the stables!""" +38146,1,"Honk Kong Dong Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated. Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation. A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practised traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation. ""I'm so relieved!"", said Bill. ""Yes"", said the Chinese medico, in a week's time it will drop off by itself."" " +38147,3,"A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces. They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests." +38148,1,"True story Last Friday I met at party one girl and it seemed she likes me. First time somebody likes me. We go out for fresh air and she asked me If I want to buy insurence...... FML, Im Virgin forever" +38149,0,Money is like women If you threw it in the ditch you probably didn't want it in the first place +38150,3,"A Clever & Smart Husband I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: “Hi Babe I’m At The Pub With Some Lads, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favourite Dish Before I Return.” I Sent Another Text: “Babe I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You A New Car” She Text Back In One Second: “OMG Really?” I Replied: “No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message.“" +38151,2,"Two guys are playing a round of golf They’re on the green of one hole just over a hill when they hear a crack from the fairway behind them. A ball sails over the ridge and lands near the two golfers. One says to the other, “Hey I’ve got an idea. Let’s put the ball in the hole and give the guy a hole in one.” So they take the ball and put it in the hole. Minutes later a guy comes running over the ridge and asks if the guys had seen where his ball went. One guy replies, “Yes it came right over the ridge, bounced once, and went right in the hole!” “Great!” the guy says, “That gives me a 9!”" +38152,1,What’s black and white and hated all over? Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton movie +38153,0,Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't touch anything under 20% off +38154,1,"I joined a Dating website the other day, they asked me what i was interested in,so i wrote, 'Page 3 girls, I think they're really sexy'. I wondered why i hadn't had any responses until i realised the letter 'P' on my keyboard wasn't working" +38155,0,What’s the deal with toadstools? I never knew amphibians had seating preferences +38156,0,What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly your dick in somebody's ass hole. +38157,2,"Two drunk men were leaving a bar [Long] Two drunk men were leaving a bar and decided to drive home. After driving for a while, they noticed the head of an old man at their window. The driver checked and saw that the car waa going at 40mph and there was no way a man of such age could keep up. Nontheless, fear striken, he rolled down the window The flying head asked for a cigarette, and so the two men gave him one. He thanked the man and moved out of sight. Moments later, the same old head came to the window, this time asking for a cigarette lighter. The two men were even more shocked and scared as the car was moving at 70mph. But nontheless, they still helped the head out in fear of what fate may fall upon them if they failed to comply. A few moments later, the old man once again came to the window. The two men, now going at 100mph, proceeded to roll down the window again, to which the old man said: ""Thanks for the cigarette and the lighter, well now that I've finished my smoke, do ya'll need some help getting ya car out of the ditch?"" " +38158,0,What did the kid with Down syndrome get on his test? 47/46 +38159,4,"(calling) 'Hey Boss, what's the difference between work and your daughter?' 'I'm not coming into work today'" +38160,2,The swordfish has very few natural predators. One being the penfish which is considered mightier. +38161,10,"Three people die and appear before Buddha Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh...that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting. (edit: obligatory editted thanks to the kind people who handed over silver & gold to my stupid joke)" +38162,2,What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. +38163,0,"A man took his son that had only a head for a body, down to the pub for his first pint... The son took a sip and whoosh out popped his arms. He took another sip and whoosh out popped his torso. After seeing such a miracle he took another sip and whoosh out popped his legs. The son was so excited he ran out into the road screaming, but got hit by a car. The barman told the dad ‘he should have quit while he was a head.’" +38164,5,I took a laxative and smoked some weed. You know just for shits and giggles. +38165,10,"A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on. ""Well son, time for bed,"" the father says. ""But dad, I'm 16 now!"" the son complains. The father replies, ""I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate.""" +38166,10,A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?' 'Not that many!' +38167,3,My gay friend has been bragging about how much sex he has been getting with his new boyfriend this Christmas Cocky asshole. +38168,0,What do you call a fangirl and a real fan? A girlfan! +38169,1,What do you call smart cheese ? sharp cheddar +38170,4,"If ""con"" is the opposite of ""pro"", Then isn't ""Congress"" the opposite of ""progress""?" +38171,0,What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood? 50 Shades of Earl Grey +38172,4,What the difference between a feminist and a knife? A knife has a point. +38173,4,I was just fired from my job for telling a female co-worker the her hair smelled great. I think they are discriminating against me because I'm a midget. +38174,1,"A farmer's cows got loose one morning And made their way down the street to the medicinal marijuana farm. The farmhand said to the farmer, ""what do we do! They're eating the weed!"" And the farmer replied ""I don't know kiddo, but the steaks have never been higher""" +38175,5,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.' " +38176,1,"Swedish for beginners. \\-Far, får får får? \\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm." +38177,3,"How do you get ""Dick"" from ""Richard? You ask politely " +38178,0,"Long-Two part joke: The Farmer and the Giraffe A farmer is out in his fields, and he’s working hard. He’s tilling up the land, sowing seed, and watering the land; you know, normal farmer things. Suddenly though, he sees a giraffe running across his field! What does he say? . . . . . A: “Look! There goes a giraffe running across my field!” Now a few days later, this same farmer is out in his fields, and he’s still working his land real hard. He’s still out there tilling the land, sowing seed, and watering the fields. Wouldn’t you know it, again, he sees a giraffe running across his field, but for some reason the giraffe now has sunglasses on! What does the farmer say? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Nothing. The farmer doesn’t recognize him." +38179,0,"Another best farting joke i've EVER heard.. There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot. They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said ""Because I love my country!"" So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said ""Because I love my country"" So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said ""Because I hate my country"" So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said whats the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head. Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head. Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said ""I farted and the building behind me exploded"". " +38180,0,"The boy walks down the street when he... The boy walks down the street when he finds a piece of paper with something writen. He doesn't know how to read, so he asks his teacher: -Teacher, I found this paper but I don't know whats written. The teacher tries to read and looks insanely enraged at the boy, and sends him to the principal of school. -Sir, I found this paper and showed my teacher, so he sent me here. The man looks at the paper and get furious, banishing the kid from the school forever. The kid walks home and talks to his mom. -Mom, I found this paper and showed to the teacher, he sent me to the principal and I got banned from school. The woman analyzes the paper and, furious, banish him from home. The kid walks the street inconsolable, when he finds a priest. Trying to help, the priest takes the piece and the boy says: -I showed this paper to the teacher and he sent me to the principal, the principal banned me from school and my mom banned me from home! The priest reads the paper and, enraged by the outrageous text, excommunicate the kid from any kind of religion. Desperate and hated, the boy throws himself out of a bridge, dying. On heaven, he finds himself with the paper in his hand, so he asks help from Jesus. -Jesus, I found this paper. The teacher sent me to the principal, the principal banned me from school, my mom banned me from home, the priests banned me from religions and I still don't know what's written! Jesus read the paper and, with great disapproval, banish the kid from heaven and sends him to hell. Arriving at hell, the boy cries in panic when Satan finds him. -Even Jesus! Even Jesus! First my teacher, then the principal, my mom, priests and even Jesus! -Boy, show me this freakin' paper. -NO, YOU'LL HATE ME TOO -Boy, I'd love to know what got Jesus so infuriated. The boy hands the paper to Satan. Satan starts to read, his burning hands accidentally destroyed the paper and it's text. END." +38181,1,What did the hungry redditor do with the gold he got from his post? He EDIT. +38182,2,"Girl: Dad, I need to tell you something. Dad: Yes? Girl: I'm a lesbian. Dad: Okay. Sister: I'm lesbian too. Dad: Why does no one in this family like dicks? Son: I do." +38183,3,Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first? Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2 +38184,0,"An Islamic terrorist walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""Good evening, sir! Would you like some alcohol?"" The terrorist replies, ""Yes, Allah-t of it!""" +38185,2,"I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder. Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out. I would take them all over my ex-wife's one! Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes. Edit: Shut up Jeff! Edit: No, you shut up Karen! Edit: you guys are impossible to live with. Edit: Stay out of it Bob. Edit: You stay out of your mom! Edit: Ew like that's your mom to. Edit: Screw you guys, I'm going home. Edit: Jess, we are home. Edit: I want candy. Edit: (in unison) Candy!" +38186,0,What do you call losing the life you've always wanted with your significant other? A miscarriage. +38187,1,Pro Tip - If a hot sexy female sends you a friend request on facebook.. REJECT HIM. +38188,2,What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair? Its axle rose. +38189,3,What’s the difference between me and America? America got rid of its Great Depression. +38190,0,What do you call a man who is attracted to intelligence? Homosexual +38191,1,"Poop is walking down the street Poop is walking down the street, blood boiling, ready to beat up Pee, when he meets Shit. ""Where you going?"" Shit asks him ""To beat up Pee"" he replies ""Can i come?"" ""Sure"" So Poop and Shit are both walking down the street to Pee's house, ready to beat him up, when the run into Faeces. ""Where you going?"" he asks them ""To beat up Pee"" they answer ""Can i come?"" ""Sure"" Now Poop, Shit and Faeces are walking down the street when they meet Diarrhea. ""Where you going?"" He asks them in his squeaky voice ""To beat up Pee"" they tell him ""Can i come?"" ""No, you're not tough enough""" +38192,0,What did the taxi driver say when they found out the passenger pissed on the floor? Urine trouble now +38193,1,Did you hear about the book cover designer? He made the front page. +38194,1,"[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. ""Gracias"", I said. ""Ne vada""" +38195,0,"5 words only, best joke? Use five words, be funny" +38196,0,"How do poets say hello ? “ hey, haven’t we metaphor? “" +38197,3,"Late one night... Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, ""Are you aware of how fast you were going?"" The man replies, ""Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."" The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, ""Were you the one being robbed?"" The man casually replies, ""No, I committed the robbery."" The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. ""So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"" ""Yes,"" the man calmly says. ""I have the loot in the back."" The cop begins to get angry. ""Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me."" The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man. ""Don't do that!"" the man yells fearfully. ""I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!"" The cop pulls his hand out. ""Wait here,"" he says. The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, ""Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."" The man replies, ""Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!""" +38198,2,"Why does Mexico do so poorly in the Olympics? Because everybody who can run, jump, or swim is already in America." +38199,1,"A man goes to visit a lightbulb factory The factory is very hot and sweaty and the work is clearly hard, even so the man says to a worker, ""you seem happy."" ""Why on earth would you think that?"" replied the worker. ""Well, your constantly making light of things""" +38200,2,What's the Russian word for a fighter plane? Jetski +38201,0,These fires in the Amazon... Giving a whole new meaning to going Brazilian +38202,5,"Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such Professor: So what planes did we have during that time? Student 1: Well we had the Cobra and Mustang Professor: Ok and what did the Japanese have? Student 2: Japanese had zeros Professor: And what was the main difference between us and them? Quiet kid: We didn't crash as much The professor tried to keep it together but started rolling, dropped his marker, and said 'Class dismissed'. We had 20 minutes left. Thanks quiet kid" +38203,0,There are 68 genders right? Well whats the wage gap between each gender? +38204,0,I used to watch The West Wing because it seemed like an accurate portrayal of American Politics Now I watch Veep because it seems like an accurate portrayal of American Politics +38205,0,walter white confirmed the breaking bad film heisenberg is no more uncertain about it +38206,4,So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back... Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient. +38207,1,"Little Johnny Back Again... This time, little Johnny's mother had been noticing that his math grades had been steadily declining. She decided to have a chat with Johnny about his disinterest in math, being more responsible with his studies, and the importance of bringing his grade up. The next quarter ended- Johnny's report card came out, and his math grade was still low. So Johnny's mother decided to call his math teacher in an attempt to get to the root of the problem. Little Johnny's mother was hopeful that Johnny's math grade would finally improve. But to her dismay, his grade had still not improved on his next report card. In an act of desperation, little Johnny's mother decided to transfer him to the local Catholic school. Immediately, she noticed that when Johnny came home from school, he wouldn't say a word, but would go straight to the table and begin doing his math homework. Johnny's mother was very pleased with this sudden change; and over the course of the next few weeks, it seemed little Johnny's math issue had finally been resolved. Once again, Johnny's report card came; but this time he got an ""A"" in math. Johnny's mother was overjoyed- yet a little perplexed. She asked him, ""What do they do so differently at the Catholic school that finally persuaded you to change your attitude and bring up your math grade?"" Little Johnny replied, ""On the first day of math class, when I looked up and saw that guy hanging from the giant plus sign above the chalkboard, I knew they weren't messing around.""" +38208,3,Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. +38209,1,"Some high schoolers are on the playground. A new kid walks up. They say ”whats your name?” He says “God.” They say ""NO way!!!” He says “Yahweh” " +38210,1,I sometimes wish I was bisexual That way I could appreciate the love my ex has for other men +38211,0,What's Big? My ass. +38212,0,"When a silver aeroplane flies over, it's American. When there's a green 'plane, it's British. When there are no aircraft, that's the Luftwaffe. A joke i found on the net" +38213,0,"A boy was told by his dad to buy a nail So he goes to buy a nail from a nearby hardware shop as he went home, the nail fell into the sewers. Feeling depressed, he went to a nearby church and he prayed. ""I wish i had a nail to bring back to my father so I won't get scolded"" Jesus heard this so he gave a nail to the boy. ""Thanks Jesus"" he replied. ""You're welcome my son"" Jesus replied. So the boy went back but suddenly he looses his grip again and the nail fell to the sewers. He went back to the church and prayed for another nail. Again Jesus gave him a nail. ""This time don't lose it"" said Jesus. ""Thanks Jesus, I won't lose it this time"". Again he went home but his clumsiness got the better of him again. Loosing his grip, the nail fell to the sewers. He went back to the church sobbing he asked Jesus for a nail once more. Jesus heard the boy and replied ""Sorry son, If I give you one more nail I'll fall from this cross""." +38214,3,What's the best part about sex with a pregnant woman? Getting head at the same time. +38215,0,"There comes a time in a man's life when he has to choose: either stand up for what he believes, or stay down on his knees. On mass, that time comes about a hundred times, and the decision is always made out of peer pressure." +38216,0,A student is the only one in the school who can take retests... They say he is remarkable. +38217,0,Sweet War Sometimes in a sweet war people dessert. +38218,2,"A man walks into a bar with an ostrich he goes up to the bar and say ""I'll have a bud."" The ostrich nods and goes ""I'll have a bud too."" The bartender shrugs and goes ""That'll be $9.78"" The guy reaches into his pocket, and without looking pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bartender. He counts it out and it's exactly $9.78. The pair take their drinks and sit down. A few minutes later the pair comes up and orders a second round. Again the man reaches into his pocket without looking, pulls out a wad of cash, and it's exactly $9.78. After a few more minutes he comes up and goes, ""You know, I think this time I'll have a local brew."" The Ostrich nods and goes ""Yeah, I'll have that too."" The bartender goes ""Okay, but that'll run you $12.88."" The man reaches into his pocket without looking and pulls out a wad of cash, and it's exactly $12.88. The bartender goes ""Okay, I gotta ask. Every time you go to pay, you just pull out a random wad of bills, and it's always the exact amount. How do you do it?"" The man chuckles and says ""Well, a few years back I was cleaning out my grandfather's attic, and I found this dusty lamp, when I rubbed it a genie came out and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that whenever I went to pay for something, I would always have exact change available for it in my pocket."" The bartender nods, ""Well that was smart, I mean most people would have asked for a million bucks, but you got all the money you could ever need. But what's with the ostrich?"" The man sighed, ""Well, my second wish was that wherever I went I'd be accompanied by a long-legged blonde chick.""" +38219,0,What does the Pirate say when his ship hits a dam? Notarr Dame +38220,2,What do dwarfs and midgets have in common They have very little in common +38221,1,Can you imagine being part of a discussion on ant puns? I cAnt even Anticipate that bAnter +38222,1,What did the physics teacher say to Luke Skywalker? Use the mass times acceleration! +38223,0,"Why did Sally... Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock-knock? Who's there? Not Sally, that's for damn sure. Why did Sally head hurt? Because no one answered the door. " +38224,0,"I'm thinking of just ending it all... I just can't take it anymore, I can't sleep, I can't think, and I can't even make love to my wife without screaming in anger. Sombody's got to tell our neighbor to stop practicing his Electric Bagpipes at 11 pm." +38225,1,"Are monsters good at math? No, unless you Count Dracula" +38226,1,Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny. +38227,3,What do Muslims and stoners have in common? They both get stoned after smoking weed. +38228,0,[NSFW] Why do beavers give head when they wake up? Because they like morning wood +38229,0,What's the good thing about diarrhea? It always passes +38230,0,Who is Donald Trump's favorite actor? Huuuugh Jackman. +38231,0,Did you hear about the man with the jurisprudence fetish? He got off on a technicality. +38232,8,"Me : *washing car with son* Son : ""Dad can't you just use a sponge?""" +38233,10,We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51 Alien Vs Predator +38234,0,I met a dyslexic Christian who was also a carpenter... Kind of weird meeting someone who believes in guardian angles. +38235,6,"A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow. One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees. He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees. The secretary texts her husband. *Hey honey, I don't have to go to that conference out of state anymore. Wanna stay in and do something tomorrow?* He agrees. Her husband then gives the teacher a voicemail: *Man, my bitch ass wife is staying home tomorrow. Don't come over!* Disappointed, the teacher retracts her announcement and requires her students to come to class again tomorrow." +38236,0,I went to a gay bar for the first time ever yesterday I really don't know what's got into me... +38237,0,"Thunderstorms Was there thunder and lightning storms where you live, yesterday? I don’t know, I wasn’t at home... I went to my neighbors." +38238,0,What kind of of sandwiches do Eskimos like? Peanut Blubber and Jelly +38239,0,What is a cats way of keeping law and order? Claw enforcement! +38240,1,"Caught in the act A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, ""Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Panther tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and He even pays the monthly dues!"" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ""What would you do?"" The cabby replies, ""I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.""" +38241,2,"The cleanest restaurant in the world A guy walks in and the maître d’ Says welcome to the cleanest restaurant in the world, We never touch any of the food by hand we simply use tongs for everything. The guys says wow that’s great! The guy says BtW, what are all those red strings hanging out of everybody’s zippers? Oh yes, When one of us have to go use the restroom we even use the red string to pull it out and do our business... The guy said how do you put it back in? The maître d’ replied I don’t know about the rest of the guys... But I use the tongs.." +38242,0,There's a lot of cheating that goes on in tennis... I swear I met one guy once who kept extra balls in his pocket... +38243,2,One advantage of telling a joke to a person who was born deaf is that no matter how old your joke is... ...you can be sure they never heard it before +38244,1,Why did Liverpool football fans smell really bad? They never wore cologne. +38245,4,"A captain is about to lead his troops into battle. ""Porter,"" says the captain, ""I want you to bring my red jacket."" ""Why your red jacket, Sir?"" replies the porter. ""Well, you see..."" the captain explains, ""I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."" After the battle, the captain returns triumphantly with his men, and they spend the rest of the night celebrating. The next day, the captain learns of an impending counterattack by the enemy of which his army has no chance of winning. Knowing this, the porter asks, ""Captain, should I bring your red jacket?"" ""Yes..."" the captain responds, and after a moment's hesitation, he adds, ""...and bring my brown pants as well.""" +38246,2,"A dick has a sad life His hair is a mess, his life is nuts, his next door neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him regularly." +38247,2,"In the men bathroom A man with a cork in his ass gets questioned: ""Hey man, why the cork there?"" ""Well, you know that genie. I've met him and when he asked me for a wish, I've said: 'No Shit!'"" " +38248,0,How do plants communicate in an M. Night Shyamalan movie? Signs language +38249,0,People say that Germans aren't funny But then there is Trump +38250,1,Why don't you take a shower with a Pokémon? He might Peek at Chu! +38251,1,Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids? They used his circumcised foreskin to surgically replace his eyelids. The surgery was a success although he is a little Cock-eyed +38252,0,So my doctor prescribed me marijuana for my slipped disc pains... He said I have a chronic back problem. +38253,0,Who is the greatest person a restaurant kitchen? The person with the cheese grater ^I'm ^^Sorry ^^^I'll ^^^^Leave +38254,2,What kind of ships can't go in salt water? Snail-boats +38255,0,A guy walks into a hardware store Bosch! +38256,0,I just used the iPhone X for the first time and it is.. Top Notch +38257,0,Did you hear about the secret taco factory? No? That's because it's nacho business +38258,0,What's a drink with hasidic properties? Orange\\-Jews +38259,2,Where's Waldo wears stripes... because he doesn't want to be spotted +38260,0,Never ask google for medical advice.. Ive gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in 3 clicks. +38261,5,"How to deal with annoying dog A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ""I've had enough of this"". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ""The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"" The blonde says, ""I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it! " +38262,7,"A man gets a job as a train conductor... ...for years he’s been great at his job. When the train arrives at the station he blows the whistle to announce the arrival and for the opening of the doors. After everyone gets off and on he, blows the whistle for the closing of the doors and the train departure. It was a pretty mindless job and one day he was working away, blowing his whistle, the trains came and went, and on one particular train he thought everyone had boarded and he blew the whistle, when an old lady with her dog was still getting on the train. The doors closed and chopped the lady clean in half, killing her. The man being responsible for this woman’s death was tried in court and found guilty of manslaughter. The sentence was death by the chair. He was placed in a cell until his execution. A few hours before he was to be killed, the warden came to his cell. “You get one last meal, anything. You name it.” “Really?” The man said. “Well if I were to have one last meal it would be 50kg of bananas The warden looked stunned, he wasn’t sure if he heard him right, but the man looked sincere and who was he to deny him this last meal. So he buys 50kg of bananas and takes them back to the cell. The warden looks in amazement and disgust as the man devours the bananas skin and all. After stuffing himself and making quite a mess, the man is led to the electric chair. He’s strapped in, and the electrodes attached. The executioner places his hand on the lever “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and grimaces, only to find the man is perfectly fine. He pulls its again, and again but still nothing happens. They check the wires but everything is okay, the man just won’t die. The warden is stunned “We’ll only an act of God could save you. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die. Your free to go.” So the man leaves and gets a job as a train conductor. He’s doing the same thing, blowing the whistle for arrivals and departures. The trains come and go when one day all the passengers had gotten on board and he blew his whistle right as a little boy dropped his ball out the doors of the train. He went to retrieve it from the platform when BAM he was caught between the doors and sliced in two. The man was tried and found guilty of murder, he was sent straight to prison to be executed the next day. He was sitting, stewing in his cell when the warden came along. “Well it’s your last meal... again, what do you want this time?” “Well since you’re asking, I’d like 50kg of bananas please.” The man says to the disgruntled warden. The warden shakes his head and exhales in disbelief. “If you say so.” So he leaves to buy 50kg of bananas. He returns and gives the bananas to the ravenous man and watches as he lobs them down his throat. To the wardens horror, he’s not even chewing them anymore just chucking them down whole. The man finishes and is taken away to be killed. The executioner is surprised to see him again. The man is strapped in and attached to the electrodes once again. The executioner grips the handle that will end the mans life and yells “3... 2... 1...” and yanks the lever. Only to his absolute bewilderment, nothing happens. They check the wires, the chair the power and pull again and again but the man remains perfectly fine. By now the warden cannot believe his eyes, but the executioner proclaims “This is an act of God, clearly you are not meant to die, you have been spared yet again and are free to go” So the man leaves. And gets a job as a train conductor. He’s blowing his whistle and sending the trains off only this time he’s learnt from his mistakes. He’s intently looking for people every time a train comes and for several months he goes by without killing anyone. Until one fateful day when he was doing his job and he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever the seen. As she strutted by he whistled and she turned and gave him a wink. Only the train driver heard the whistle and closed the door, crushing a business man, splitting him in twain. He was seized and sent to court, tried and found guilty of murder for the third time. The judge was done with him and sentenced him to death that day. As he was sitting in his cell once again, the warden came to him. “50kg of bananas?” He asked the man “50kg of bananas.” The man replied The warden walked away, baffled at the events of the past couple of months. He returned with 50kg of bananas and gave them to the man only this time he didn’t finish all the bananas as he had eaten quite a large breakfast. The warden marched him to the electric chair and strapped him in, curious as to what would happen. The executioner is also intrigued as to whether or not the man will cheat death yet again. He grasps the lever and counts down. “3... 2... 1...” he pulls the lever and... ...nothing happens. The executioner has just given up at this point and says “Well it’s an act of God. Clearly you just aren’t meant to die yet, just promise me you won’t get a job at that damn train company.” The man makes no promises and walks away, a free man. The warden runs up to him. Panting he asks. “I have to ask, how have you cheated the electric chair so many times? Is it the bananas?” Calmly the man replies “No, I’m just a really bad conductor.” EDIT: This is not my joke, a friend of mine told me this a while ago, I guess on a sub with 13 000 000 people someone has to have read it before, I took the essence of the joke and wrote it how I would like to have heard it so it’s not original but I like to think I added at least something to it. " +38263,2,"I saw a clairvoyant laughing, so I hit them. I always like to strike a happy medium." +38264,0,I destroyed my ex-wifes face. By telling everyone what kind of person she really is. +38265,4,Two things will never get old. 1.jokes about parents of unvaccinated children. 2.unvaccinated children. +38266,1,On first night of their marriage husband & wife claim Virginity. Wife: “If This Is Your First Time How Did You Fuck So Well”. Husband: “If This Is Your First Time How Do You Know I Fucked So Well“ +38267,0,People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago. +38268,3,Women are like pasta They are straight until you get them wet. - Ellen Degeneres +38269,0,A blonde a bruenet and a red head are stranded on island They are 50 miles off shore so the red head gets 10 miles and drowns then the bruenet tries to swim it and gets 20 miles and drowns and then the blonde goes and gets 25 before she got tired and turned back +38270,0,"What's the longest nerve in human body? The optic nerve: when you tear off hairs from your ass, you'll cry." +38271,2,"A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale... A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them. ""Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet,"" says the car salesman. The buyer gasps, ""A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"" The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, ""this is a Porsche Spyder."" Again, the buyer is aghast, ""what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What's next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!""" +38272,1,If we're going to do racist jokes How's a Mexican like a cue ball? The harder you hit it the more English it picks up! +38273,1,"A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says ""In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."" The blonde asks ""Do you have to study a lot for them?""" +38274,0,I heard that schizophrenia Isn’t real. Or at least what my chairs been telling me. +38275,4,"When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said that she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody is laughing now..." +38276,1,What does going to a prostitute make you? Buysexual +38277,2,What do you call a pig in a desert wearing a witches hat? A ham sand witch. +38278,1,"With all the recent allegations of sexual assault... I want to come out that I sexually assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't illegal, but it does shed light on my past" +38279,5,"Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes: Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psychiatrist and tells him the issue. The psychiatrist says “as you know, Christmas is coming up so what I want you to do is tuck little Johnny into bed on Christmas Eve and ask him what he wants for Christmas. Every time he swears, replace that gift with a pile of dog shit. He dad replies “well that seems strange, but I’m out of options so I’ll give it a shot.” So Christmas Eve creeps up and little Johnny’s dad is tucking him into bed. He asks little Johnny, “What do you want for Christmas this year?” Little Johnny replies “ When I wake up Christmas morning I wanna see a god damn teddy bear laying right next fucking next to me on this pillow. When I go downstairs, I wanna see a fucking choo choo train wrapped around the god damn Christmas tree, and when I go outside I wanna see a big fucking red bike in my god damn garage.” His dad says “Ok little Johnny. See you Christmas morning.” Christmas morning comes and little Johnny wakes up and rolls over in bed. He sees a pile of dog shit. “What the fuck?” He goes down stairs and sees dog shit all over around the Christmas tree. He screams “What the fuck is this!?” He goes outside and sees a big pile of dog shit sitting in the garage. He is sitting there cursing up a storm and his dad walks out as asks, “So little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas this year?” Little Johnny says “I think I got a fucking puppy but I can’t find that son of a bitch!” " +38280,1,"Where do chicken strips find love? Chicken tinder ~Thank you, to Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen's official Instagram for this gem" +38281,0,"Speed-walk DMC Almost as good, and easier on the joints." +38282,0,What did ip man say when he threw a party for his students? Lets make some wing fun out of this wing chun. +38283,1,"So wait... If you want to carry around a plastic bag of shit, you HAVE to have a dog?" +38284,2,How many nice guys does it take to screw a lightbulb? 0 cause they'll compliment it then get pissed off when it won't screw +38285,3,"I went to the store with my wife! While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart. She asked what was I doing and I said ""10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."" She replied, ""We can't afford it, put it back."" So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart. I asked, ""How can we afford this?"" She replied, ""Because this makes my face pretty."" I said so will a case of beer at half the price. " +38286,2,What do you get when you cross a rooster and a turkey? A cockgobbler. +38287,1,"An Australian chess player walks into a bar... A man sitting at the bar looks at him and says ""Wow, you're the chess player everyone's talking about! Tell you what, I'll make you a bet. If you can beat me in a game of chess, then I'll buy everyone here a beer!"" The chess player accepts, and he and the man begin their game. After about a half hour, it appears that the man is winning. The man, confident in his abilities, says ""Here, I'll raise the stakes. If you can beat me, then I'll buy everyone TWO beers!"" The chess player accepts, and they continue the match. About 10 minutes later, the man is so confident that he'll win that he says, ""I'll up the ante even more. If you beat me, I'll buy everyone in this bar unlimited drinks!"" The chess player accepts, and he begins to slowly start winning the game. After a few short minutes, the challenger is defeated. He asks the chess player, ""How did you beat me so fast?"" The player replies, ""Well, I may have beaten you, but it looks like you're the one with the bigger check, mate.""" +38288,3,"The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting. He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer. ​ “Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were standing up and walking out.” ​ “No,” says the press officer, “I gave you exactly what you requested—a twenty-minute speech and two extra copies.”" +38289,3,"An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed. His entire family is gathered around him. Sarah, the man calls for his wife... Im here dear. And the kids? We are all here too dad. And the grandchildren? We are all here. Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?" +38290,2,What do you call a man that can suck his own dick? Full of himself +38291,0,What's the difference between a Reddit username and an unwanted newborn? One is a throwaway and the other is an online alias. +38292,4,"At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says ""Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."" He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, ""Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."" Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, ""You can fuck off.""" +38293,3,What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. ​​​ +38294,5,Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore? Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students. +38295,0,What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) ... to lose an erection? +38296,0,It is possible to get HIV on a public toilet seat But it's sure a lousy place to have sex +38297,0,How do cows move in groups? Si-MOO-taniously +38298,2,"No? Huh, you must be out of the loop. Hey, did you hear about the guy stuck in a time paradox?" +38299,5,why are all jewish men circumcised? because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off. +38300,1,What do you call an unborn rabbit? An ingrown hare. +38301,3,I couldn't believe i was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel. +38302,4,"Holmes said to his brother, ""Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."" And Mycroft responded, ""No shit, Sherlock?""" +38303,0,What did Hitler do when he couldn't get the stains out of his shirt? Blamed the juice. +38304,0,"A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ""Human beings are the only animals that stutter."" she says. A little girl raises her hand, ""I had a kitty-cat who stuttered!"" she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ""Well..."" she began. ""I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"" ""That must've been scary."" said the teacher. ""It sure was!"" said the little girl. ""My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....and before he could say ‘fuck', the rottweiler ate him!""" +38305,3,"No one ever fucks me Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier. He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the edge of the pier crying. He walks up to here and asks whats wrong. ""No one ever hugs me"" So he picks her up, gives her a big hug, then goes to cast off into the water. About the time she startes crying even louder. ""Whats wrong now? I gave you a hug,"" ""Well, ive never been kissed,"" He thinks for a second, well she's pretty attractive why not? So he picks her up kisses her and sets her back down. He walks back over to his rod and reel, cracks open a beer and rears back to cast. About that she she starts balling even louder than before. ""Damnit lady why are you crying now?"" ""No one ever fucks me."" So he walks over to her, pucks her up, and throws her as far out into the water as he can and screems. ""YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!C" +38306,4,TIFU by having sex with my best friends wife in an elevator It was wrong on so many levels +38307,3,"A missionary journeys out into the world. A christian missionary journeys out into the world to spread his beliefs. One day he reaches a native african tribe, where he lives for a while, while teaching them his ways and attending their fields inturn for shelter. Some time passes and one day the chiefs daughter gives birth to a child. The chief saw that the child was much more pale than babies of their tribe ever was before. The chief becomes outraged and goes to confront the missionary, whos working in the fields. ""My daughter just gave birth, and the baby is white! You're the only white man in the tribe. Explain yourself!"" The chief yelled. ""Very well"" the missionary said. He points out into the field ""Look out into your fields, chief. Theres a herd of sheep. They're all white, except once in a while theres a black sheep. How does one explain that?"" ""Alright.. i wont tell anyone about the white baby, if you promise to not tell anyone about the black sheeps""" +38308,6,"Premature ejaculation problems A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, ""When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."" That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, ""Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.""" +38309,2,Why did JFK get some fresh air? Because he wanted to clear his head. +38310,1,We are going to need to re-elect Obama once Trump is done... to go on an apology tour. +38311,1,What does the president have in common with someone who cant differentiate between a tangerine and a clementine? They are both orange racists. +38312,2,I took part in the sun tanning Olympics ...I got the bronze +38313,0,"A pianist's girlfriend broke up with him, and he was distraught. He just wanted Debussy Bach." +38314,0,The world's fastest boxer invited anyone to try to avoid his fists... There was no punchline. +38315,4,Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the envioronment They are already experts at recycling. +38316,4,"A dad and son went on a camping trip... A dad and his son went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the son said, ""Dad, look up into the sky and tell me what you see"". His father responded, ""I see millions and millions of stars"". The son asked, ""So what does that tell you?"" The father answered, ""Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, son?"" ""It tells me you forgot to pack the tent again""" +38317,1,"Two atoms walking down the street ... ... one turns to the other and says ""I think I've lost an electron"". The other replies ""F*ck me, a talking atom!"" " +38318,1,"Accomplice?!? When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney." +38319,2,"Introducing a Friend Who Says Whatever He's Thinking ""I'd like you to meet a friend of mine."" ""How do you do?"" ""You want a Big Mac or Whopper that's been in my butt?"" ""What the hell is wrong with your friend?"" ""Oh, don't mind him. He just has ass burgers.""" +38320,1,"A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Father, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Praise be to God! He’s done it again!”" +38321,0,"A really bad joke I made long time ago that I still remember What did the buck say to his wife when he tried to convince her that he wasn't a cat? / - / - / - / ""I'm not kitten, deer."" " +38322,5,"A priest, a rabbi and a minister are on an airplane with an interfaith youth group The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes. ""We'll take them and jump,"" says the minister. ""But the children,"" cries the rabbi, ""we have to save the children!"" The minister snaps, ""fuck the children!"" The priest glances back at the terrified kids, thinks a moment, and asks, ""Do we have time?""" +38323,1,Women age like fine wine... In my basement +38324,3,Where do pens and pencils go on vacation? Pennsylvania +38325,0,Why don't polar bears get married? ....because they all get cold feet.... +38326,4,"You can tell the sex of an ant by throwing it in water... If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant." +38327,8,"A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex She turns to him and says, ""Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."" He said: ""That doesn't bother me any!"" She responded: ""That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine.""" +38328,0,"My friend Cookie Monster's wife had a midget baby. It was a short, bred cookie." +38329,0,"On ""Anne frankly"" and ""I did nazi that coming""... Those *Panzer* gettin`old" +38330,0,What happened to the salt shaker that touched the pepper shaker on the crotch? He was arrested for sexual a-salt +38331,3,"What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A school bus full of children. " +38332,2,Why is Spongebob the main character? Isn't Patrick the Star? +38333,2,The eagle was a bird of many skills. One could say he was very talon-ted. +38334,1,Why do so many girls do archaeology degrees? Because they love digging up the past. +38335,0,"Bartender says ""Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here A time traveller walks into the bar." +38336,0,"I've heard that chocolate is bad for dogs... It's true, one time I threw my dog into an overly hot chocolate fondue fountain and the poor guy got pretty bad burns all over his body." +38337,0,What’s the difference between a zombie and Jesus? Nothing. +38338,0,"Three blondes arrive at the gates of St. Peter There's a lot of openings in heaven, so St. Peter decides to give them an easy test. He says to them, ""If you can tell me what Easter is, you can come in"" The first blonde says, ""Easter is that time in November where we eat turkey and are really thankful!"" St. Peter was surprised by this, but nevertheless he looked at the next blonde. ""Easter is that time in December where we celebrate Jesus' birth!"" she said. St. Peter was blown away. He looked at the last blonde, who said , ""Easter is that time in the spring when Jesus dies and is laid in the tomb but then comes back to life."" St. Peter was just about to congratulate her on making it into heaven when she continued: ""Yeah, when he comes out of the tomb, if he sees his shadow, that means there's going to be 6 more weeks of winter!""" +38339,1,mosquito and a blonde joke what's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde ? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.. +38340,0,What is a pervert's average surname? Dickinson +38341,0,Did you hear about the guy who eats human testicles?? He’s a Canniball +38342,5,"I was arrested for killing a black man I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer." +38343,5,"After seven years of medical training and hard work my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet." +38344,1,"Why does Father Christmas come down the chimney? It helps him slide down with ease," +38345,1,"Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing together... when they play a water hazard Moses says ""that's too wide to walk around"" and starts chanting and waving his arms. Suddenly there is thunder and lightening and the waters part, and Moses walks across. When he gets to the other side he says ""God is all powerful!"". When it's Jesus' turn He looks up and prays. Heavenly music can be heard and a golden shaft of light shines on him as he walks, on top of the water, to the other side. When back on dry land He says ""God is great!"". When it's the old man's turn he removes his shoes and socks, rolls his pant legs up below the knee and walks easily through the shallow water. When he joins his 2 companions on the other side he says, ""Goddamn show-offs""." +38346,0,Many who tried to make it until the end of no nut November Lasted about as long as they normally do. +38347,3,What do you call a disabled person during a zombie apocalypse? Meals on wheels. +38348,1,“Hey smells like abrafore in here” “What’s abrafore?” “Holding titties up” +38349,2,Why didn't Mick Jagger pick Randy Moss up from the airport? Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss. +38350,9,"Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks... He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them. ""Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."" He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back. ""He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidentally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander.""" +38351,6,"A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence. So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, ""It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?"" he asked. The monk replied ""religious reasons."" The man then says ""I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"" ""Because"" the monk replied, ""You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.""" +38352,2,What does my love life and Mars have in common Both have a missed Opportunity +38353,2,I hate ingrown hairs... They really get under my skin +38354,3,"An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, ""My son Joey converted to Christianity."" Her friend says, ""My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"" ​ The first woman responds, ""The only thing we can do is pray."" ​ So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere. ​ ""How am I supposed to help?"" God says, irritated. ""My son converted to Christianity too!""" +38355,0,Whats the favorite song of a choker? Without Me by Eminem +38356,1,Asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn't show up... Guess we are not gonna work out. +38357,4,"A Spanish magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3 He says uno, dos... then POOF, he disappears without a tres" +38358,2,"Blonde Policewomen A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ""What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, ""Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, ""Aha! This must be my driver's license"", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, ""You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this!""" +38359,0,"My fiend told me he started playing World of Warcraft again after a 5 year break. I said, ""Oh, WoW!""" +38360,0,I fell sick today when I wore crocs... I am Lacoste intolerant. +38361,5,"An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”" +38362,1,"Give a man a fish... And he'll say, ""What the fuck am I going to do with a fish?"" Teach him to fish... And he'll say, ""Again with the fucking fish?""" +38363,2,Why are Spain such a good football team? Because no one ever expects The Spanish Inposition! +38364,1,"The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed ""blinker fluid"" The customer said, ""Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!""" +38365,2,"During a dance at the retirement home... The local retirement home decided to have a dance for the residents, a sort of a prom. So all the men and women dressed in their best and gathered in the common area. During the evening, Elmer, an 85 year old stud, spies Mabel, a 68 year old beauty he begins to flirt, and soon asks her back to his room. One thing leads to another and soon they are furiously making out. Finally, in the darkness, Elmer mounts Mabel and gives the the rogering of her life. After some time they beautifully climax together. As they are lying next to each other, Elmer says ""If I'd known how tight you were, I'd have used a bit of Vaseline, I hope I didn't hurt you."" Mabel replies, ""I am fine. If I'd known you would really get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose""." +38366,4,I said to the doctor that I felt short and depressed He reminded me that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy. +38367,1,What do you call a four-sided figure that works for an attorney? A paralegalgram. +38368,1,Did you hear about the high profile conviction of a Cardinal in Australia? Neither did I... +38369,0,Why does a food fetishist never win? Because they like the taste of defeat. +38370,0,Family My family needs to understand that im famous on Twitter n Instagram. Yet they send me to the shop to buy cabbage. +38371,2,"A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake. They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following: >*""There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...""* However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads: >*""For you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband...""*" +38372,1,Why did the crazy train get in trouble? His Loco motives. +38373,1,What's a Wild redditor called Predditor +38374,3,My psychiatrist told me that I should stop worrying and start enjoying little things in my life. Now I play with my dick everyday. +38375,2,You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European. +38376,0,"If the opposite of pro is con, what is the opposite of progress? Congress" +38377,2,"I hooked up with a martial artist last week. She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee." +38378,0,"“Do you want to hear a joke about gingers?” A woman gives birth, and immediately the baby is taken out of the room. The mother is worried, but soon the doctor comes in. Doctor: I’m afraid i have some good news and some bad news. How would you like to start? Mother: Give me the bad news, doc. Doctor: Your baby is a ginger. Mother: Oh thats not a big deal to me. What’s the good news? Doctor: The good news is that your baby is dead." +38379,2,"What's 20 foot long, screams like a banshee and has no pubes? The front row of a One Direction concert." +38380,0,what's brown and sticky A stick +38381,2,"My wife told me she was going to bed and asked when i'd be coming. ""I won't be if Im in bed with you"" I replied" +38382,1,"A vegan, a med student, and a bitcoin trader walk into a bar Who tells you about it first?" +38383,2,What is Jason Voorhees's favorite country? Chi-chi-chi Na-na-na. +38384,2,Why do you never see a hippopotimus hiding in a tree? Because they're really good at it. +38385,2,"Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower. Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!" +38386,3,"A boy tells his father that humans are cruel ""Hmm okay, but why?"" asked the father. ""Well some people out there are hanging horses"" said the son. The father let out a confused chuckle, ""What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"" The son tells him ""well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse.""" +38387,0,Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few mice dance. +38388,0,"I've got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school. I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”" +38389,0,"A man is tailgating a large strawberry truck on the highway... The truck tips over before an exit and starts a pile up. The man gets out of his car, and scratches his head, “Now this is a Traffic Jam.” I made this myself in traffic lol." +38390,0,"There are 3 genders Men, Women, and Ramen." +38391,0,Mosquitoes remind me of my ex They don't even ask me for a drink before they start sucking and don't stop unless I slap them. +38392,0,Why does a man bring a knife to any Queue lines? Cutting in line +38393,2,Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash. It was the left wing. +38394,1,What's the best way to pick up a woman? Like a bowling ball. +38395,0,I like a girl at my school... But wait im homeschooled. +38396,4,"A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? “Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”" +38397,2,"All my fellow redditors, are you today's date? Cause you're all 10/10" +38398,1,"A duck walks into a feed store... He walks up to the clerk and says, ""Got any duck food?"" The clerk replies, ""nope"" and the duck walks out. The next day the duck walks back into the feed store and approaches the same clerk. ""Got any duck food?"" Again, the clerk replies with a no. The duck leaves. The following day the duck walks in again and asks, ""Got any duck food?"" The clerk, becoming agitated says ""Look, you duck. I don't got any duck food. Now if you come around asking for duck food again, I swear I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor."" The duck turns around and leaves. The next day, the duck walks back in and says to the clerk, ""Got any nails?"" ""Nope."" ""Oh, okay. Got any duck food?""" +38399,0,"Hi, my name is John Smith, but you can call me Nick Smith That's my nick name.." +38400,0,What do you call four black guys hanging in a barn? Antique farm equipment. +38401,1,Why are fire trucks always red? Because they're always Russian +38402,0,"Southerners are so racist... Even their bleach is still ""whites only.""" +38403,0,(Had to post again because it was NSFW the first time) What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? One has cunning stunts the other has stunning c**** +38404,1,[ORIGINAL] What's a priest's favorite cheese? Swiss. It's holey. +38405,2,"When I get women into bed, I treat them like pi... Just another number, and an irrational one at that." +38406,0,My girlfriend complained to her mother that I never buy her flowers. She never even told me that she sold flowers. +38407,0,Chicken what do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce... Chicken sees a salad +38408,3,Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. It's simple meth. +38409,0,Are you aucoustic? Cuz you seem to be acting a bit guitarded +38410,1,Yo mama so dense she has an event horizon. +38411,0,"A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open. The clerk responds, ""As open as a casket at a funeral. I shouldn't be, but I am.""" +38412,2,"A Chinese couple are in bed The husband says, ""Can we do 69?"" The wife gets up and starts making him beef with broccoli. " +38413,2,Yo' Mama is so ugly \\*\\*..yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.\\*\\* +38414,4,"The priest's missing bicycle A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining: \\- Someone stole my bicycle! The wise mayor responded: \\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach ""Thou shalt not steal"", make a dramatic pause, then look everyone in the eyes. The one avoiding eye contact is surely guilty! The next week they meet again, this time the priest riding his bicycle with a huge grin on his face. \\- So the plan worked? - asked the mayor \\- Well, in a way... I started reading the commandments like you suggested me to do. When I reached ""Thou shalt not commit adultery"", I remembered where I had left it." +38415,0,What did the frog say in the massage parlor? Rubbit. +38416,0,To where going Batman running fast? To the Bathroom +38417,3,What is Rickon Stark's favorite band? One Direction +38418,3,90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something. +38419,2,"Putin, Trump, and Merkel sitting around a campfire... The three world leaders are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which world leaders are famous. A night of tall tales commences. First Putin says, ""I must be the meanest, toughest world leader there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."" Trump chimes in, ""Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."" All the while Angela Merkel remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with her penis." +38420,1,Why are organic farmers the best hip hop artists? Because they make the best beets. +38421,3,What do you call a pop star with giant nipples? Areola Grande +38422,1,"What do you call a highly successful woman? I'm a reddit user, how the hell would I know. " +38423,0,"(Long) Purple Passion A boy wrote a note and passed it to a girl in class. When she read it she slapped him across the face. The teacher came over and asked what was going on. The boy told the teacher he wrote the girl a note and she slapped him. The teacher asked, ""What did the note say?"" The boy responded with, ""I love you with a purple passion."" The teacher highly offended sent the boy to the principal's office. The principal asked why the boy was there. The boy relayed the story.The principal asked, ""What did the note say?"" The boy responded with, ""I love you with a purple passion."" The principal highly offended expelled the boy from school and sent him straight home. When the boys father got home he asked why the boy was expelled. The boy relayed the story about the note. ""Well, what did the note say?"" Again the boy responded with, ""I love you with a purple passion."" Furious the father kicked the boy out of his house saying he did not have a son. Years later the boy is living on the street and decides to make something with his life. He applies for a job at a fast food joint. The manager asks why he never completed school. With a sigh the boy tells the story of his life. Thinking this was ludicrous the manager asks, ""Ok I'll bite what did the note say"" ""I love you with a purple passion"" The manager yells, ""Get the hell out of here and never come back!"" The boy walks out the door and sees the girl across the street. He is determined to find out what was wrong with the note. He walks across the street and BAM he is hit by a bus and killed. Morale of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street. I'm really sorry guys." +38424,0,I counted the number of all the slugs in the world It was a gross value +38425,5,There was a kidnapping at my school once. A teacher had to wake him up. +38426,3,"Looking out If you see a door that says Women, don't go in. It is a trap. There's only toilets in there." +38427,3,"I never trust octagons. They're always lazy, just squares that cut all the corners." +38428,2,I've got a trophy girlfriend. I keep her locked in one of my cabinets. +38429,4,Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities? They're called Tac Tics. +38430,2,What was the name of the heaviest man in china? Won ton +38431,0,There once was a man from Peru Who fell asleep in a canoe While dreaming of Venus He was stroking his penis And woke up with a handful of goo +38432,1,Why do women date witty writers? NSFW Because they enjoy cunning linguists. +38433,9,Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together. +38434,2,"Molly had one goal, to become a Saint. She wanted to be holy Moly." +38435,0,Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician? He worked it out with a pencil. +38436,1,According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock. So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president. +38437,4,What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread? All rye all rye +38438,3,"called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift they said ""VR ready""" +38439,0,Trump likes his toilets like he likes his showers Golden +38440,0,What do you call a tube of silicon who went to prison and started cracking jokes? A silly con. +38441,4,"How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know, we keep sending more and they haven't done anything about it." +38442,0,"A man goes to the doctor about his sore arm. The doctor examines him. Can't find the cause so he sends him home and tells him to come back with a urine sample. The man can't understand what use a urine sample will be, so he not only collects his own urine,but the urine of his wife, his son, his daughter, and even the family dog. He gives the doctor the urine, and the doctor sends it off to be tested, and tells the man he'll call when the results are in. A week later, the doctor calls with the results, ""Your wife has the clap, your son has AIDS, your daughter's pregnant, your dog has rabies, AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR ARM WILL NEVER GET BETTER!""" +38443,0,Helicopter parents hover around their kids. Bulldozer parents shove all the obstacles out of their kids way. I think my dad was a Steamroller parent. When I did something wrong he flattened me. +38444,5,What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement? No whey +38445,0,A Jewish child asks his dad for $10... Dad: $9?! What on Earth would you want $8 for?! Do you know what $7 could get you in today’s economy?! +38446,4,"A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"" ""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?"" says the politician. ""Them's the rules,"" says St. Peter, who snaps his fingers, and *WOOSH*—the guy disappears. He wakes curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, but hears and smells nothing. Just the smell of fabric softener and cut grass... This can't be right, can it? ""Open your eyes!"" says a voice. ""C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!"" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too, a penthouse suite. Before him, there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. ""Who are you?"" the politician asks. ""Well, I'm Satan!"" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ""Welcome to Hell!"" ""Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?"" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. ""Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service... There's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."" The politician wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. ""It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!"" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the politician, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20. She throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on lively discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel dining room for an extravagant five-course meal, each course cooked to perfection and better than the previous one. Afterward, his wife whispers something sensual in his ear, his cue to return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense, passionate sex, the politician collapses on the memory foam pillows with Egyptian cotton pillowcases, and falls into a deep and blissful sleep. The next morning, he is woken by St. Peter. ""So, that was Hell,"" he says. ""Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?"" ""No sir!"" says the politician. ""So then,"" says St. Peter, ""you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, etc."" ""Well... I know this sounds strange, but, to be honest, I think I'd prefer Hell!"" says the politician. ""Not a problem, we totally understand. Enjoy!"" says St. Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The politician wakes up in a cold, dark place with hard, stone floors, the stench of ammonia filling the air. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from a flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people who were burned with sulfur. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. ""What's this?"" the politician cries. ""Where's the hotel?! Where's my wife?! Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine?!"" ""Ah"", says Satan. ""You see, yesterday, we were campaigning—and then you voted.""" +38447,0,Why was the primate afraid to swing to the other tree? Because he was a chim-pansy! +38448,2,"A gay man walks into a bar... and says to a man standing up ""may i push your stool in?""" +38449,1,what's a good hair product that can change someone's sexuality? a hair straightener +38450,1,How is November's election like the Alien vs Predator movie? Whoever wins...we lose. +38451,0,How can you name the priest's erection? HolyWood +38452,1,Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce’s son AllegedLee +38453,1,What's a kinky Native Americans favorite drink? Tea pee +38454,0,What's another word for plagiarism? CTRL-v +38455,3,What do you call it when a priest goes for round two? The second coming +38456,5,"Can I talk to my son? A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board! " +38457,1,"A teacher is asking a student to name the last three US presidents The kid replies ""President George W Bush, President Barrack Obama, and Resident Donald Trump"" The teacher says, ""Almost, but you said resident Trump instead of president. Where's the P?"" The kid answers: ""In a Russian hotel room on a bunch of hookers""" +38458,5,"Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber? It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9." +38459,2,Atheism Atheism is non-prophet organization. +38460,0,I love a girl with a trimmed bush... ...because it makes it easier to see into her window at night. +38461,8,"The smuggling priest (probably repost) A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, ""Father, may I ask a favor?"" ""Of course. What may I do for you?"" ""Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"" ""I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."" ""With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."" When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: ""Father, do you have anything to declare?"" ""From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."" The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ""And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"" ""I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."" Roaring with laughter, the official said, ""Go ahead, Father.""" +38462,0,A friend of mine does not believe in sex before marriage. So I sent him a few photos. +38463,0,"why do people insist D&D players are squares? I mean, they party all the time!" +38464,0,What's Red? What's Red but smells like blue paint? Red Paint +38465,4,"A nudist woman walks into a bar And tells the bartender ""one beer please"" The bartender just looks at her from head to toes. ""What? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"" -- ""Oh yeah many times""-- ""Well, why do you keep staring at me then?""-- ""I'm just wondering where you keep your money to pay for the beer""" +38466,0,What kind of fish is made of two Sodium atoms 2 Na +38467,3,"A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church... They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit. ""A wonder!"", shouts the philosopher. The physicist just says: ""Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."" The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation. Suddenly, the mathematician says: ""Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!""" +38468,2,Where did the children go after the explosion? Everywhere. +38469,2,"Some people find whiteboards boring... Personally, I find them remarkable." +38470,0,Why couldn't the pasta stop laughing? Because there were a fusilli ones. +38471,0,What do you call it when two salamanders get dinner? A cau-date! +38472,3,"I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it. The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife." +38473,2,I was walking my two dogs in the park yesterday A man approached me and asked “are they jack russels?” I said “nah they’re mine” +38474,2,"Three men die on Christmas Day As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y. They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise. So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, ""See? They jingle like jingle bells."" So Peter tells him that will work and sends him into heaven. The second man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter, and he lights it and waves it in front of him and says, ""See? It burns brightly like a Christmas candle."" So Peter tells him that will work and sends him into heaven. The third man steps up and is searching all throughout his pockets, but he just can't find anything that he can pass off as representative of Christmas. Not wanting to be denied heaven because he was taking to long, he finally just pulls out the next thing that he gets his hands on, and it happens to be a pair of panties. St. Peter looks at the pair of panties, thinking there's no way that he could pass this off as something Christmas-y, but he lets him try to explain himself. ""Alright, let's hear it. How are those representative of Christmas?"" The third man swallows and says, ""... They're Carol's...""" +38475,0,Quaker Oats now sells oat milk. Guess they decided to start milking their product. +38476,3,A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h We don't know where it is anymore. +38477,2,I knew a bisexual girl who was very lonely I guess she was all bi herself. +38478,0,Two pretzels are walking in a park... One is a salted +38479,4,Why isn’t beef a good password It isn’t stroganoff +38480,5,"A duck walks into a pub.... ..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, ""Hang on! You're a duck."" ""I see your eyes are working,"" replies the duck. ""And you can talk!"" Exclaims the barman. ""I see your ears are working, too,"" Says the duck. ""Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"" ""Certainly, sorry about that,"" Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. ""It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"" ""I'm working on the building site across the road,"" Explains the duck. ""I'm a plasterer."" The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him ""You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"" ""Sounds marvelous,""says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. ""Get him to give me a call."" So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ""Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."" ""I'm always looking for the next job,"" Says the duck. ""Where is it?"" ""At the circus,"" Says the barman. ""The circus?"" Repeats the duck. ""That's right,"" Replies the barman. ""The circus?"" The duck asks again. “”With the big tent?"" ""Yeah,"" the barman replies. ""With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"" says the duck. ""Of course,"" the barman replies. ""And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?"" persists the duck. ""That's right!"" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... ""What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!""" +38481,2,Did you hear about the guy who survived pepper spray and mustard gas? He's a real seasoned veteran +38482,0,"Abortion clinic: ""let out your inner child!""" +38483,4,"Roses are red, violets are red Dandelions are red, Guys help my garden is on fire" +38484,1,I asked my older brother why I was so accident prone He says i got it from my parents +38485,2,"An Indian walks into a trading post And he asks the owner for toilet paper. The owner replies we have Charmin for .35 cents a roll. The Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says we also have Bounty for .15 cents a roll. Again the Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says well I have some no name toilet paper that's been sitting in the back forwver, I suppose I could sell that for .05 cents a roll. The Indian nods in agreement, pays, and leaves with the mystery toilet paper. The next day the Indian returns and asks for a roll of Bounty. The owner sells him a roll, and asks didn't I see you yesterday? The Indian replies yes, and I also now know the name of that toilet paper... The owner says really? And what is it. To which the Indian replies that's John Wayne toilet paper. Owner asks and how you figure that? Indian says cause it's rough and tough and don't take no shit off any Indians." +38486,0,"My wife and I were stuck in traffic for an hour, and I looked at her and said, “I’m turning round.” She said, “I know. Stop eating so much bacon.”" +38487,2,"A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days. The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: ""SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!""" +38488,4,I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission. Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for? +38489,2,"Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident? On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line. (Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)" +38490,3,Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake. I hope you enjoyed my cake day joke. +38491,6,"A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. ""Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"" ""It's not just one car,"" said Herbert, ""It's hundreds of them!""" +38492,0,Why did the crab's new girlfriend break up with him? She saw him at a dinner party with old bae all over him. +38493,2,"A rich snail goes into a car shop... He picks out a super fast car and says, ""I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, ""Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, 'Wow! Look at that escargot!'""" +38494,6,"Back in high school.. ...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school." +38495,1,Typical Mayans ... 4 years late +38496,4,Why are gender equality officers always female? Because theyre cheaper +38497,0,What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an Art History degree? The pizza can feed a family of four. +38498,0,What do alcoholic teletubbies drink? EtOH +38499,0,Did you hear about the Orca that died at Sea World? They ruled it a Shamu-icide. +38500,4,"A monkey was smoking weed sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink. Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, ""HEY! MONKEY!"" The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says....""WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!""" +38501,1,"Just in: Secret service can on longer say ""Mr. President, get down"". From now on they have to say ""Donald Duck""" +38502,3,I'm not the kind to walk away from responsibility I run +38503,4,"Four Chinese brothers.... ...named Chu, Bu, Hu, and Fu decided to go to the United States of America. They had to Americanize their names in order to get a Visa... so Chu became CHUCK, Bu became BUCKS, HU became HUCK, and FU decided to remain in China..." +38504,0,Went into a bar and ordered a Donald Trump... They gave me a White Russian and a blast from a hair dryer. +38505,0,"Heard my ex-wife was getting remarried, so I went to BestBuy to get her a gift The clerk said ""Hello sir, welcome to Best Buy. How can I help you today?"" I replied ""Can you tell me where you keep the Samsung Galaxy Note 7's?"" He replied, ""I'm sorry sir. Due to the recall, we don't have that phone in stock."" So I said, ""Oh no that's fine--I'm not looking to buy the phone--I just want to buy the battery.""" +38506,0,What do you call it when you're having anal sex with a member of the Guess Who behind a drape? Curtain Bummings +38507,1,How did the Otaku Redneck guy name his daughter? Annie Mae +38508,6,"A woman put an ad in on Craigslist ""Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't abuse me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."" She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply. Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a wheelchair who had no arms or legs. ""Please tell me you aren't here from the craigslist ad."" He responded, ""Well of course I am! I haven't got any arms so I can't abuse you."" ""Well yes, that's true."" ""I'm missing legs so I can't run around on you."" Chuckling she added, ""Ok ok. But are you good in bed?"" Smirking he said, ""I rang the doorbell didn't I?""" +38509,1,"Confucius says... Confucius says: Learn to masturbate, come in handy." +38510,1,Lost my guitar No fret +38511,0,I started a new cleaning company that only hires Hispanics and Spaniards It's called Spic & Span. +38512,3,What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat? Claude. +38513,0,Did you hear about that poor thalidomide kid who died on bonfire night? He read the instructions on a firework which said hold at arms length - and it blew his fucking head off! +38514,1,"Roses are red, The Queen wears a crown... ...Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!" +38515,1,What currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks +38516,2,"A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer. Now he's dying to know the truth." +38517,0,What's the worst part about sex for blind women? They can't see anything coming. +38518,2,"Wife terribly injured The husband receives a call from the hospital telling him to come quickly. When he arrives the doctor meets him at the doors and tells him ""your wife was in a terrible accident. She's lost 80% of her brain function and she's paralyzed from the neck down. You'll have to retire from your job and take nursing classes to be able to take care of her."" The husband's head is swimming in shock but the doctor smiles, slaps him on the back and says ""aw man, I was just fucking with you - she's dead""." +38519,1,What do you call a fly without wings? A walk +38520,3,I just published my first book about poltergeists... ...and the store told me they're flying off the shelves. +38521,0,George Michael was no stranger to controversy but the most unforgivable thing he ever did Was kicking off Limp Bizkit's career +38522,2,"I went to a fortune teller today. She said she had a headache... So I offered her some aspirin, medium strength." +38523,1,"What a man can be, he must be. Three men died and were sent to hell. On their way there, God asked them each a question He asked the first man, ""Why are you a thief? Your thievery could've killed someone!"" The man replied, ""What a man can be, he must be."" God let the man continue on his journey to hell and went to the second man. He asked him, ""Why are you a murderer? All those poor people you killed..."" The man replied, ""What a man can be, he must be."" The second man continued on his way to hell, and God went to the third man. He said ""I would ask you why you cheated on countless women, but I already know you would answer with 'What a man can be, he must be.'"" The third guy was surprised. He told God ""That's not why I cheated on them! I just love sex!"" " +38524,1,Why can't fruit be compared? Apples and oranges cannot be peared. +38525,0,"My son has trouble pronouncing 'r's and pronounces them as 'w' So you can understand my worry when he came home from church and said: ""Father's really hard on dave...""" +38526,0,You know how there's an alpha male and a beta male? Well I'm an omega male. +38527,0,How spicy does Keemstar like his Nandos? As spicy as his memes (: +38528,3,Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith. I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue. +38529,8,I won my first cage fight last night... Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it. +38530,2,"I had a dream last night... In my dream I was watching a band play. Buddha was playing guitar, Jesus was playing bass, Mohammed was singing, and Zeus was playing the drums. After the show, Zeus came down and gave me a large metal disc. I think it was a cymbal from god. " +38531,0,"What did one necrophiliac say to the other as they walked by the morgue? ""You wanna stop in and suck down a couple of cold ones?""" +38532,0,"I think we should take a break from all the EA and net neutrality jokes Girl: What?! You're leaving him?!?! Wife: Yeah. Girl: Why?!?!?!?! Wife: Last night he came home really drunk and had puked all over himself and when I tried to take his shirt off he said, ""Psst...I have a girlfriend, so don't tell my wife if you want a one-night stand.""" +38533,2,"Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical... A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' " +38534,0,Click for a link to the titlegore subreddit /r/TIL +38535,0,What do you call a Fly with no wings? A walk. +38536,1,Why are testicles always so upset? Their best friend is a dick and their only neighbor is an asshole. +38537,4,Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered. It was an accident. +38538,2,"A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation. They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says "" mmm that place smells amazing!"". The Husband replies "" You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again""" +38539,7,"Hey Baby, are you russian? Because you seem to be influencing my erection. . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . *Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*" +38540,7,"What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer? Thanks, Obama." +38541,1,"A circle is circular, a triangle is triangular, a rectangle is rectangular, but a square is... You. You're a square. " +38542,0,"A woman walks into the wrong office... Doctor: Hi there! How are you doing? Woman: Not so good. I shouldn't have to wait so long for an appointment like this. Doctor: I think we should start by checking your blood pressure. Woman: Is that supposed to be an insult because I'm angry? Doctor: No, it's just standard procedure here. I also have to ask you how your bowel movements have been. Woman: Wow. Well, I'll reply to your insulting question by saying that they are doing fine. One is at home right now, and the other is at school, waiting for hours for me to get his student loans finalized here." +38543,2,"If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders... And the population of Canada." +38544,5,"Mickey goes to a lawyer. Lawyer: so it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly? Mickey: no, I said she was fucking goofy." +38545,0,"When I opened the pizza box I found there were no sauce or toppings on the pizza! Nevermind, I opened it upside down." +38546,0,What did ABCDEFGHILMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ say after he told his psychiatrist he felt like something was missing? JK +38547,1,How is called a woman from Alabama that can outrun all of her siblings? A virgin. +38548,1,If you take a piss and finish at the same time what is it called? A peanut +38549,2,I never took geometry in high school I heard it was for squares. +38550,0,Eyyyyyy bb... do you hop around raiding vegetable gardens with a horde of Mongolian warlords? Cuz u look just like a Hunny Bunny +38551,0,"If you are wishing ""Happy Mother's Day"" to... a Muslim, skip the apostrophe" +38552,1,What goes Ha Ha Plop Plop? A lepper laughing his balls off. +38553,1,What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich? My sandwich doesn’t cry when I bite it. +38554,5,There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them He’s in love with the shape of u +38555,1,What do you call a Russian vampire? Blyat cyka +38556,1,"Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact... Eat two, Brute." +38557,0,"Girlfriends are like Gym Memberships You have it, you just never pay attention to it." +38558,0,What do you call it when a boyfriend teases his hot girlfriend too much? Thot provoking. +38559,1,what is a feminists favorite branch of mathematics? Triggernometry +38560,0,"The Day After Breakfast was late and husband and wife were badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, he said to his wife, ""Was it you I made love to in the garden last night?"" ""About what time?"" she replied. " +38561,0,"A guy was on the beach in California, when he found an empty bottle He picked it up and opened it, and unleashed a genie. The genie said, ""Congratulations, for releasing me from the lamp you've put me in your debt and you get a single wish."" The man was shocked, and thought about what he wanted for a while and told the genie, ""I want to go to Hawaii, but I'm way too afraid of flying, and I get seasick easily. My wish is for you to build me a bridge with a road on it to Hawaii."" The genie frowned, and told him, ""That's impossible. Think of the logistics that would have to be behind that! Do you know how deep the Pacific Ocean is? There couldn't be any supports that would be able to reach that far down, and the amount of concrete and steel that a road would need. No, you need another wish."" The man said, ""Fine, I've been married and divorced six times. My wives always said that I'm cold and insensitive to them, and uncaring of their feelings. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they're feeling so I can please them better, and what they're thinking when they scorn me. I want to know what makes them cry, what they want to actually make them truly happy, to know why they're always disappointed in me."" The genie asked, ""So you wanted that bridge two lanes or four?""" +38562,4,What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail for the picture. +38563,2,I dont like 9/11 jokes The other 2 are good though +38564,2,My ex-girlfriend said she's seeing someone now. I said me too. A therapist. +38565,5,"A kid and his homework KID: Dad, What are gays? DAD: Well, you see your mom and I love each other very much. The same can be applied to two men. KID: Ohh. So what is penetrating gays DAD: Read me the entire sentence. KID: ""She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"" DAD:" +38566,1,Remember when we went to the Gaslight Club? Yes we did - why do you keep forgetting things? +38567,1,I can always tell when my ghost friend is lying i can see through him +38568,3,"A blonde walks into a library.. and says: 'i'll have the cheese burger and a coke.' the librarian is confused and says: 'you know you're in a library, right?' the blonde goes: 'oh sorry' and whispers 'i'll have the cheese burger and a coke.'" +38569,0,"Distraught boyfriend at funeral [nsfw] Young man is at his gf's funeral, crying ""It's not fair!"" and ""She was taken from me too soon!"" The girl's father is touched and tries to console him. ""Yes, it isn't fair, she was so young."" The guy says, ""No, you don't understand. I was waiting for her period to end so we could have sex, and just when it was almost over she got hit by that car!""" +38570,4,"Virginity is a lot like rational thinking. If you happen to visit the church regularly, you’ll probably lose it before you’re 14." +38571,1,"My Personal Trainer told me I can't get any better. At first, I took it as a great compliment, but after a few beers, I started to wonder ..." +38572,0,A drunk guy takes a cab - Can you take us home? - Us? You are alone! - You are not coming? +38573,1,If at first you don’t succeed.... Skydiving isn’t for you. +38574,0,Where do epileptics go on vacation? Seizure's Palace +38575,1,Why do conspiracy theorists make terrible landscape gardeners? They're too obsessed with inside jobs. +38576,0,My friend is a naruto fan and he’s in love with sasuke I guess you could say he’s sasugay +38577,4,I couldn't get a place at the local library ...........they were completely booked +38578,0,"Pete and repeat were sitting on a fence, Pete fell off and died, who was left? Hah there you go" +38579,4,"A driver is stopped by the police... The officer says: -Congratulations! You are the 100th person who has remembered to use a seatbelt today, and therefore you have won $1000. What will you spend the money on? Driver: -Well, a driving license I think? The passenger sitting next to him hurries to say: -You should not listen to him, he's drunk! A sound is heard from the back seat: -I knew stealing a car was a bad idea. At the same time, a foreign accent is heard from the trunk: -Have we passed the border yet?" +38580,1,How do you Circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers. +38581,3,"My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor. The woman said, ""How many times a week do the two of you have sex?"" My wife said, ""One or two."" Things got awkward when I said, ""Five or six.""" +38582,0,I am not yawning. I am doing face yoga. +38583,0,"Have you heard that Donald Trump recently hosted a costume party? Everyone who's anyone was there. One couple in particular made a pretty big splash because they appeared to have arrived at the White House completely naked. The President went to get a closer look, however, and realized that they were, in fact, just wearing full-body flesh-colored suits that only made them LOOK like they were naked. They were fake nudes." +38584,0,I have written a story about Iron Man and Captain America arguing over who gets the team's upmarket Nissan. I call it 'Avengers: Infiniti War' +38585,3,I tried phone sex once Ended up getting hearing aids +38586,1,What did Pete Wentz say after his sex change? Thanks for the Mammaries. +38587,0,What type of computer sings? A Dell. +38588,3,What do you call a threesome in Heaven? A Triangel. +38589,2,"Obedient server!! Rich Man : Michael (the Butler), for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? Michael: Sir, before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip, as I get upstairs, I put it back. Unfortunately, that was butler’s last day. " +38590,5,"A king gets murdered in his sleep... Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says ""Wow, he must have had a bad knight.""" +38591,10,"Forget everything you learned in college... Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."" ""But I never went to college."" ""Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."" " +38592,0,"The Bravest Man King made an announcement that married men should make two line. First line is for those who are afraid of their wives and second line is for those who are not afraid of their wives. The first line was a long one but the second line had only one man. King asked the man in the second line ""so you are not afraid of your wife?"" Man replied ""I don't know your Highness! I am only told by her that if you are not in this line then I will break your legs"" " +38593,2,How would the Nazis have killed the dinosaurs? With meteor showers. +38594,2,How was copper-wire invented? Two jews and a penny. +38595,0,What do you call a cop with a Broken back Cricket cop +38596,2,"A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep... So the dog goes out, comes back a little later. Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?” Dog says: “40”. Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”. And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”." +38597,2,"A Japanese guy, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan are all on a plane A Japanese guy, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan are all on a plane. There was heavy turbulence. The pilot said that three people needed to jump out, with their belongings as well. The Japanese guy steps out. He gets a bunch of hi-tech objects, and says, ""This is too much in my country,"" throws them out, and jumps out. The Frenchman grabs his shipment of wine, grabs a bottle, and says, ""This is too much in my country,"" drinks it down, throw the shipment out, and jumped out. Then, it was down to the Mexican and Texan. Then, the Texan steps out and takes a breath. He then turns around, grabs the Mexican, and yells, ""Remember the Alamo!"", then throws him out. " +38598,5,I just finished writing a book on cats It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though +38599,3,"A Bishop has heard a rumor that some of his priests had sexual tentations He decides to test their will to follow their oath of Chastity. He summons the 10 priests in the dining room the next morning, asks them to stand in line, takes their pants down and knots a little bell to their d*cks. He claps his hands and a beautiful blonde woman appears out of the front door. She is wearing tight closing and looks absolutely stunning. Only a few seconds later, the first bell is heard. The priest, red with shame, pulls his pants up and leaves the room. The woman then proceeds to strip slowly. Very quickly, a lot of bells are heard and a lot of priests leave the room ashamed. Now completely naked, the woman starts to approach the remaining priests, while caressing her breasts. Out of the 4 remaining priests, 3 get aroused and are excused. The bishop is seething but focuses on the remaining priest. The woman tries everything: she gets closer to him, touches him, even tries to kiss him... but the last priest’s bell remains unheard. After 10 minutes of trying, the woman gives up. The bishop goes to the remaining priest and felicitates him: «  Congratulations ! You are the only one worth of bearing that title, come and give me a hug !! » ^gling ^gling" +38600,0,"The Time Traveler's Motto If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." +38601,0,"Title of my memoirs on solo hiking in California's wine country: ""I, Hermit, through the grapevine.""" +38602,3,"A man has been going to the doctor trying to make his penis larger One day he is on his way to see this doctor when he loses control of his car and gets into a major accident The car is claimed as a total loss and he is rushed to the hospital where he is pronounced dead Thankfully, with hours of trying, the doctors are able to resuscitate him but he remains unconscious for hours more. During that time the doctors perform several surgeries When the man wakes up he is surrounded by family and friends, and the doctor notices this man has awoken and rushes over to him and says “Sir, do you know where you are or what happened?” “Last thing I remember is running off the side of the road and then it went black” “Well sir, I have some good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?” “Well I guess the good news!” “Well sir, we were able to finally get your penis to touch the ground” “That’s excellent! What’s the bad news?” “We had to amputate your legs”" +38603,1,"Two nuns are driving down the road... Suddenly, a vampire jumps on the bonnet. Nun 1: God in heaven! Teresa, show it your cross! Nun 2: GET OFF THE BLOODY CAR" +38604,0,Why is DnD a capitalist game? It has classes. +38605,1,Do you know what they say about Bomb Disposal Operators? They only make one mistake in their whole life. +38606,0,Why do crocs (the shoes) have a heel strap? So they don't fall off while you're fucking. +38607,1,My wife's a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed +38608,1,How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone? I dunno. Ask the kids. +38609,3,"My wife asked me to hand her a tube of lipstick, but I mistakenly handed her a tube of Super Glue Now she won't talk to me." +38610,3,What is the difference between the Titanic and my penis? Lots of women went down on the Titanic. +38611,2,Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing. ​ (Eh what can I say) +38612,4,"This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING" +38613,1,Have you heard about the new Marvel feminist superhero? Anti-Man +38614,0,Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same Once you heard juan...you've them jamal...sorry i had to +38615,1,A new Jam based glue has been invented Its called Jams bond +38616,0,What does a car windscreen/windshield wiper and a 12 year old girl got both in common? They both squeak when dry +38617,4,"A tempting offer I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00"". ""How much is it for one?” I asked. ""75 cents”, she replied. ""Ok, I'll have the other one""." +38618,1,Everybody asks howitzer. Nobody asks whoitzer. +38619,2,"Dinner for the Pope A priest is searching the fish market so his parish can make the best dinner tonight for their special guest, the Pope. He comes across a fish monger who has a large and glorious looking fish for sale. He asks the fish monger ""My child, is this a high quality fish? I would like to buy it for dinner"". The fish monger says ""Of course! It's the best sonuvabitch I ever caught!"" He hesitates and back tracks after seeing the priest's reaction to profanity and quickly lies. ""No offense meant, Father. That's just the type of fish it is. It's a Sonuvabitch."" The priest falls for the lie and buys the fish. He takes it back to the parish and tells the alter boy to ""Clean and prepare the Sonuvabitch, then give him to the nun to cook for the Pope."" The alter boy is shocked that the priest would swear, so the priest explains it was the type of fish and the alter boy understands and goes on his way. After the fish is cleaned and prepared, the alter boy takes the fish to the Nun and says ""The Father asks for you to cook this Sonuvabitch tonight for the Pope."" The nun smacks him with a ruler and tells him to do a Hail Mary, but then the alter boy explains that he was told that's what the fish was called. The nun apologizes for the smack and takes the fish to cook it into the best meal she's ever made. So the Pope arrives around 6pm and dinner is at 7. The priest, alter boy, and nun are extremely excited to meet the Pope and tell them how they made the meal he seems to really be enjoying. At the end of the dinner, they approach him. The Pope says ""I adored the meal, the fish was an utter delight. Thank you for all of your efforts."" The priest ""You're welcome, your Holiness. I bought the Sonuvabitch."" The alter boy say ""You're welcome, your Holiness. I prepared the Sonuvabitch."" The nun says ""You're welcome, your Holiness. I cooked the Sonuvabitch."" All the onlookers from the parish look at the trio shocked and wait for the Pope to react. He considers them for a moment with an intrigued look on his face, and says ""You motherfuckers are alright.""" +38620,2,What did water say when ice farted? Ice melt it. +38621,0,How do musicians pass college? They take notes. +38622,1,What's the name of China's best con artist? Foo Ling Yoo +38623,0,Texas finally got its wish They seaceded from the Union. +38624,0,"sign in doctors surgery says ""great medical team"" ... no one gets better!" +38625,0,"Why does the NBA have mostly black guys? Because they like stealing, running, and shooting." +38626,1,People who love anagrams or have dyslexia Need to be careful when saying/spelling ginger +38627,0,Shout out to the people who don't know the antonym of in. +38628,0,Which miner gets a lunch break first? The one with a lot of apatite. +38629,2,Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat +38630,0,What did the guy who broke his leg say after he got the cast taken off? I stand corrected. +38631,4,Why are communist jokes funny? Everyone gets them +38632,1,Have you heard about Dr. Ohm? Last I heard he was leading the resistance. +38633,0,"I named my dog 'Youmakeme'. So whenever I'm calling it, I can shout ""Youmakeme come! Youmakeme come!""" +38634,0,What did the Mexican name their first child? JUAN! +38635,1,"That say that knowledge is power... But i'm pretty damn sure I could beat Stephen Hawking's ass (Bonus joke) In fact, I bet I could beat Hawking up before he can even say anything about it" +38636,1,I always failed to understand how boomerangs worked until the other day i threw one then it hit me +38637,2,Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip of the broom +38638,0,LPT: Scientists are warning against using a colander to view the solar eclipse It'll strain your eyes +38639,1,I have been reading this book on anti-gravity... It's impossible to put down. +38640,1,Leatherface gets a bad rap but deep down he is a true romantic trying to help others. He's just trying to Stihl their beating hearts. +38641,1,"My wife asks me I've seen her glasses anywhere I reply with ""Yeah, but only the frames. The glass is see through""" +38642,1,My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB. Too Many Damn Birthday's. ^^true ^^story +38643,1,I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day There wasn't a dry seat in the house. +38644,0,I went on r/Jokes and found... ...A bunch of jokes. +38645,0,What is the smallest country? ANTarctica. +38646,0,My wife has been telling me I need to lose weight... But I've just got a lot on my plate right now +38647,2,What do you say at a necrophilic gangbang? Nothing. You just crack open a cold one with the boys. +38648,1,"A fisherman and his wife... A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away. Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade. A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone. ""Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?"" she cried. ""We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."" ""Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must have been!"" ""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away.""" +38649,2,"NSFW There may be no I in team, but there's a U in cunt. " +38650,2,What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling! +38651,4,How are math and sex the same? I don't get either of them... +38652,3,Knock knock. Who's there? Hakeem. Hakeem who? Hakeem in like a wrecking ball!!! +38653,0,Sometimes i feel like an iphone 7 iJack off I see myself out thanks +38654,3,Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode' Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises. +38655,1,Two r/wooosher's are whooshing each other over a double entendre. Who gets it? Their wives get it +38656,3,What did one cloud of fog say to the other? I don't know. It's a Mistery. +38657,0,The late great artist of the 20th century Yelvis. YOU AIN NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG! CRYING ALL THE TIME. +38658,5,"Do you know why dark is written with ""k"" and not with ""c""? Because you can't see in the dark" +38659,2,Did you hear the story about skin-toned bathing suits? It was fake nudes. +38660,1,The funny thing about anti-vax jokes is that... they tend to be older than anti-vax kids! +38661,0,[Riddle]Two smaller holes in one rather large hole... Your nose in my ass. +38662,0,What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff! +38663,2,Marriage is like a fire. If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart. And every once in a while you have to use your poker. +38664,1,How do you know there is a leper on the hockey team? There's a face off in the corner. +38665,1,Everyone. I got stuff from AMD. My vision's getting hazy. I think I'm going blind. +38666,1,Why is it so hard to be a detective in the North Pole? Everything is a cold case. +38667,2,"I said to my mom “I feel like you’re trying to gaslight me right now.” She said “of course not sweetie, it’s all in your head.”" +38668,0,"NOON Explained - midday is the point at which the sun is at the center of the sky, the point at which it's place is directly on the maridian of sky divide for that which is below it. - when this happens, there is perfect symmetry in the sun, the earth, and the person or people experiencing NOON. - the letter ""O"" is suitable for representing any kind of sphere in text, which includes our sun. - the letter ""N"" is widely accepted as the most common variable used to represent 'anything'. - we got some cryptic linguists up in our english and boom" +38669,5,Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters They’re pretty much harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire. +38670,0,Why is Donald Trump's youngest child named Barron? Because all of his illegitimate children had already used up all of the other names. +38671,0,"I apologized to the librarian if I appeared desperate, after all... I asked her to check me out..." +38672,1,"My girlfriend is a sniper and I know she loves me, you know why? Because she said she missed me." +38673,4,I was asked at a recent job interview if I could perform under pressure I said I don't know that one but I could have a fair go at Bohemian Rhapsody.. +38674,0,Sex is like math Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs And multiply! +38675,3,If there weren't any democrats... then who would be left? +38676,1,"My boss asked me how many Galaxy Note 7s I ended up selling to the public. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall. " +38677,0,Why did the doctor want his list of donors alphabetical? Because he wanted to stay organ-ized. +38678,1,What do you call a duck in a truck? A driver on quack! +38679,0,What's the difference between Freddy Mercury and Michael Jackson? The kitties they slept with. +38680,1,What do you call a Transformer who raps? Optimus Rhyme. +38681,0,Did you here that Roger Waters is running for president? He said he would be a good choice because he already made The Wall. +38682,2,"An optimist lost his footing and fell off the top of a tall building A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened. As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man calls out “hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “so far, so good!”" +38683,7,"If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated. But if it looks like bud light, you're good." +38684,5,If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. .. they would eventually find me attractive +38685,2,"A duck walks into a bar. A duck walks into a bar. It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?” Bartender: “No.” Duck: “Do you have bread?” - Bartender: “NO!” - Duck: “Do you…” Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!” Duck: “Do you have nails?” Bartender: “NO!” Duck: “Do you have bread?” " +38686,6,"I asked my father what it was like learning Braille, but he didn't want to tell me. I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject." +38687,0,I was worried about Hillary Clinton choosing Elizabeth Warren as her VP as their menstrual cycles might sync up... But clearly they're going through menopause +38688,0,"A drunk man get into the bus and sits next to a priest ... The priest then, looking at him says : ""My son, don't you know that this is taking you to hell ?"" The drunk man answered : ""Oh shit, just took the wrong bus again....""" +38689,1,"I'm thwarting a global cyber attack using Binary I guess you could say I'm defending the world, One Zero at a time..." +38690,1,"Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said ""Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over"". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said ""Nope, it ain't Paddy."" The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, ""Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, ""No, it ain't Paddy."" The mortician asked, ""How can you tell?"" Sean said, ""Well, Paddy had two arseholes."" ""What? He had two arseholes?"" asked the mortician. ""Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with two arseholes..""" +38691,0,Michigan and Ohio fought a war over Toledo… Michigan won and Ohio has to keep it. +38692,3,What is Ludvig Van Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA-NAA-NA-NAAAA +38693,0,"King Kong had his way with an old Jewish woman from Florida. She's so upset. ""He never calls, he never writes!""" +38694,0,"Three doctors are talking about death The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.” “Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…” The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”" +38695,0,People are already asking about my predictions for next year... I don't have 2020 vision +38696,0,"Antimatter ah whatever, it doesn't matter." +38697,1,"What did the police say when they realized they arrested the wrong Mrs. Kahlo? You're Frida, go." +38698,0,What Shawn Mendes song is popular in France? Mercy +38699,1,Quantum Immortality... The Joke That Never Dies +38700,0,What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one +38701,0,tall people live longer. Here how it is you don't gotta lotta time in this world Life is short -Kevin hart +38702,5,What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee? Nothing. +38703,4,When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . . It’s a pre dick shun. +38704,2,The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me. Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office. +38705,3,How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. +38706,0,When is it impossible to use a spectrometer on a radioactive sample? On Farad-day. +38707,1,"A young boy enters a barber shop... And the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”" +38708,1,"My gay Twitter joke from ten years ago. ***Never mind, I just lost my job." +38709,1,"Supermarket Workers So this woman comes to the meat section of a supermarket and asks the butcher if he has any brain, and he responds with: ""Miss, if I had a brain I wouldn't be working here""" +38710,3,I am no longer an 18 year old virgin! I am a 19 year old virgin now... +38711,3,"A black guy goes into a bar A black guy walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. The white guy he sat next to says, ""Hey! No colored people allowed in this bar!"" The black guy turns to him and says, ""Excuse me? When I was born, I was black. When I'm sick, I'm black. When I'm cold, I'm black. When I'm hot, I'm black. And when I die, I'll still be black! YOU on the other hand: When you were born, you were pink. When you're sick, you're green. When you're cold, you're blue. When you're hot, you're red. And when you die you'll be grey. And you call ME colored?""" +38712,2,"To the person who stole my Microsoft Office copy I’ll get it back, you have my Word" +38713,0,Why was the ground all white after Custer's last stand? Because the indians kept coming and coming... +38714,3,"A traveling cowboy walks into a saloon to rest and get a drink before continuing on his journey. As he sat down at one end of the bar the bartender walks over to him and asks what he would like to drink. ""Beer"" says the traveling cowboy. ""Right away"" says the bartender as he makes his way to the tap. As the cowboy watched the bartender fill a clean mug with a crisp lager he noticed a strange shape out of the corner of his eye. He turned his gaze towards it and his eyes widened in surprise as he realized what he was looking at. At the far end of the bar seated in stool sat a full sized horse whose eyes were filled with tears. A large jar filled with an assortment of coins and Bill's sat on the bar next to the horse. Though he was a traveling man and had seen many things over many years this was without a doubt the strangest sight the traveling cowboy had ever seen. The bartender shortly returned with our cowboy's drink and as he sat it on the bench in front of him the cowboy spoke and asked, ""Why is there a full grown horse sitting on that there stool? And why is he crying?"" ""Well sir"" says the Bartender ""about one year ago this horse walked into this saloon with tears in his eyes, sat down in that very spot and ordered himself a drink. Hasn't moved or done nothin' else since. No one knows why he came in here or where he came from but one thing is for certain. Whatever horrors he witnessed to put him in such a state I would not like to know myself, nor would any man I reckon."" ""Well I'll be"" says the Cowboy. ""What's that there jar for?"" ""A few months after he came some of my regular customers started making bets. Who ever can make that horse to do anything other than sit there and mourn takes the jar and all the money in it."" Upon hearing this the Cowboy shook his head, drained his mug in one gulp, wiped his lips, stood up and walked over to the horse. The bartender watched in surprise as the cowboy sat down next to the horse and whispered in the horses ear. The tears in the horses eyes remained but no longer were they tears of sorrow. The horse erupted in a violent fit of laughter so loud in could be heard from the street outside the saloon. The cowboy, satisfied with his work stood up, grabbed the jar of money, tipped his hat to the bartender (who at this point was in a state of utter disbelief) and walked out the door. A year later the same traveling cowboy walked into the same saloon and sat down in the same spot he had the year prior. As he sat down he turned his gaze to the far side of the bar and quite to his surprise the horse was still there. Another jar had replaced the one he had taken, and the horse was still possessed by a state of violent laughter. ""YOU!"" Yelled the bartender who had just turned and recognized the face of the traveling cowboy. ""You think you can come back into my saloon after what you've done? That horse has not stopped laughing since the day you came in here and made him do so! It's been so disruptive I can't get anyone to come in here besides my regulars, and all they do is bet on that damned horse. Who ever can get him to do anything other than THAT takes the jar and all of its contents."" ""Well I'll be."" Says the cowboy as he stood up and slowly walked over to the horse. The bartender watched as the cowboy made his way to the far side of the bar. He watched the cowboy stand in front of the horse with his back facing the bartender. The bartender watched in an almost euphoric state of shock as the horse's laughter stopped. As the cowboy stood there, the horses countenance fell to the same state it was one year prior. Tears welled up in his eyes and he began to weep once again. Satisfied with his work the cowboy grabbed the new jar and again tipped his hat to the bartender as he made his way to the door. ""Wait just a goddamn minute!"" The bartender screamed. ""I beg your pardon?"" The cowboy replied as he turned and began walking back toward the bar. ""Well hell. You come in here one year ago and you say somthing to that horse, which mind you, had not done nothin' but cry and mourn for one year prior to your arrival. Something so goddamn funny that he then cannot do anything but laugh and be disruptive for the next year, driving away all my customers. Then you come in here now and just stand there and he stops!? You put me through all that and you're just gonna walk out of this saloon without so much as a goodbye? Well that don't sit right with me. So I demand that you tell me what you did to that horse to make his laugh and then cry like that."" ""I guess I do owe you that bartender."" Says the travelling Cowboy. ""Well a year ago when I came In here and that horse was crying I went up to him and I told him as that my dick was bigger than his."" ""What in the hell are you talking about?"" Says the bartender in a very sarcastic tone. "" You expect me to believe that? Well mr. Big dick cowboy, what did you tell him today to get him to stop?"" ""I didn't tell him nothin'"" says the cowboy as a grin as big as Texas spread across his face. ""Today I showed him."" " +38715,3,Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago. +38716,3,Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy? he got the sack +38717,1,Jimmy Rose sat on a tack... Jimmy rose. +38718,1,I walked passed the sea and thought I saw a severed hand floating Turns out it was just a wave +38719,0,Why is summer the best time for dating? Everybody is hot in summer. +38720,3,"Should have kept his mouth shut. A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, ""Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."" The social worker behind the counter said ""Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."" ""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."" The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ""You're bull-shittin' me!"" The social worker said, ""Yeah, well . You started it . “" +38721,1,I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls. Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them. +38722,1,How does a cyclops blink? With his eyelid dumbass. +38723,0,What did Mohammed Atta say to Larry Silverstein after the long flight? Yo can I crash at your place? +38724,0,You can now buy ketchup and baked beans online. It’s one of the benefits of Heinz site. +38725,0,What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison. +38726,1,What did the CEO of Reddit say to it’s users? [Edit] Nothing. +38727,1,Did you hear what happened to the dark side of the moon today? It was pretty lit! +38728,2,How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center? About a secant +38729,0,"I cleaned this mirror so well, I can see myself in it..." +38730,0,Jill broke her finger today. but on the other hand she was completely fine. +38731,0,"So I was getting a blow job from this dude... Everything was going great until I looked down, saw that I was wearing crocs, and realized that I’m gay." +38732,0,I used to be addicted to the Hokie Pokie but I've turned myself around. and that's what it's all about. +38733,3,Why do Jewish men circumcise? Because Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off. +38734,3,"What does Titanic, The Sixth Sense, and Game of Thrones have in common? Icy dead people." +38735,1,What do you call a group of people who hate Mexicans? Que Que Que +38736,1,What did the french boy say while going down the slide? Ouiiiiii +38737,2,Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom... ...made it impossible to shit post. +38738,3,"My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have ""the talk"" today... I'm an international crime fighter now" +38739,1,My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra Now I sleep hard +38740,0,Why did the chicken cross the road ? Because the pedestrian light was green. +38741,10,"Dollar for a dirty joke I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said ""1 dollar for dirty joke."" Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: ""Alright sir whats your name?"" Me: ""John"" Homeless man: ""So Johnny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."" Me: ""Two?"" Homeless man: ""Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"" Me: ""Two?"" Homeless man: ""Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"" Me: ""Two?"" Homeless man: ""Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"" Me: ""I don't know? A lot?"" Homeless man: ""Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.""" +38742,1,How do you kill a blonde? Just put a scratch 'n' sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. +38743,2,Patient: my crossword is making me depressed Doctor: try not to get two down +38744,3,What is proof that Santa is a man? No woman would ever wear the same outfit every year. +38745,0,Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side! +38746,9,"The Nun A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ""Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."" The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, ""Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"" The nun replied, ""Nope, not today sir, god bless you"" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ""I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran."" The nun said, ""I understand completely."" The soldier added, ""I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"" The nun replied ""Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!""" +38747,4,My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction. I told him that didn't sound like a good trade. +38748,3,Why do they always send out two EMT’s? So there will be a paramedics. +38749,0,"Can humans justify anything? Obviously not, just look at Adam Sandler's career." +38750,2,"I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him. His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment." +38751,4,Why do people rob 7/11 instead of restaurants? Because it's more convenient. +38752,4,I found my first pubic hair today. Normally things like this don't bother me. But it was in my Big Mac. +38753,1,If United Airlines are ever underbooked will they force people to get on? +38754,2,"A little girl walks into a pet store and tells a store associate that she’d like to buy a bunny. The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or laying down. Pointing to a tiny bunny in the corner, the employee says, “This one is a mini Rex, they are calm and quiet and a good choice for owners who are also calm in nature.” Moving on, she points at another bunny who is moving about happily and says, “This Polish is cuddly and affection if you are wanting a bunny to hold and cuddle often!” The employee smiles at the little girl and they move onto another bright-eyed bunny munching sweetly on a bit of lettuce. “This one here is a Californian! He’s a little shy but with a gentle handler he will really warm up to being held after some time passes.” “So,” says the employee, “What do you think? Do you think one of these will work for you or should I show you a few more?” The little girl gives a shrug and says, “I don’t think my snake really cares”." +38755,3,What does a clock do when it's hungry? Goes back 4 seconds +38756,3,I made my wife change her name to Dick. Now people laugh whenever I joke about beating her all day long. +38757,0,Considered having a one night stand last night just for the funny census results Then I remembered I'm unattractive +38758,1,"My father was never home... He once saw a sign that read, ""Drink Canada Dry!"" So he went up there, and he did." +38759,1,"two men were walking thier dogs... Two men, tom and bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. ""You smell that?"" tom asked. Bob replied, ""the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said ""let’s get something to eat!"" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said ""it’s cool, follow my lead!"" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door ""no dogs allowed sir!"" tom insisted ""oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in"" ""it is? But that’s a dachshund !"" ""Yes they're using them now because of their amazing sense of smell"" ""Very well come in."" bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering ""No dogs allowed sir!"" the waiter heckled. ""Oh please forgive me, it’s my seeing eye dog"" bob apologized. ""A chihuahua?!!!"" the waiter shouted ""what??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!"" " +38760,2,whats black and sits at the top of the staircase? stephen hawking after a house fire +38761,7,"As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, ""I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."" The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. ""Do you have a dentist appointment, too?""" +38762,0,So I recently switched to dark mode... I gotta say the difference is day and night. +38763,4,"A fish watched a fly six inches above the water... He thought, “if that fly would drop 6 inches I would have lunch.” A bear was watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, If that fly would drop 6 inches the fish would come up and get the fly, I could reach the fish and have lunch.” A hunter was watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “If the fly dropped 6 inches the fish would catch the fly, the bear would step forward and catch the fish, and I could shoot the bear.” A rat was watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, “If the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would stand to shoot the bear and his sandwich would fall out and I’d have lunch.” A cat was watching all this happening. He thought, “If the fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will get the bear, the rat will come out his hole for the sandwich and I’ll get lunch.” The fly dropped six inches. The fish caught the fly. The bear stepped out and caught the fish. The hunter stood and shot the bear. The rat jumped out and got the sandwich. The cat jumps out after the rat and falls in the creek. The moral of this story is every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet. " +38764,1,What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies! I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness. +38765,1,"A man and his wife have been participating in couples counseling. The wife is exasperated. The psychologist inquires as to what has her so upset. “It’s my husband. He never lets me get on top when we have sex, and he’s always picking his nose. It’s embarrassing!” Puzzled, the psychologist asks the husband why this is the case. The husband replies, “When I was a kid, my dad taught me two rules to live by. Keep your nose clean, and don’t fuck up!”" +38766,0,What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. (I'm so sorry) +38767,1,My nuts don’t itch My test-tickles +38768,1,"My wife just said I was, “So mean.” I replied, “I’m anything but average.”" +38769,1,What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip. +38770,1,I've made a tool that will fix itself when it breaks... as long as it isn't broken of course. +38771,0,"Trump is a man of his word With the way the year is shaping up, it looks like he's going to be draining that swamp. " +38772,0,How can a man take an abortion pill? He just picks one up and leaves. +38773,1,"Her: Babe a tiny penis isn’t such a big deal. Me: I don’t know hunny, I kinda wish you didn’t have one." +38774,3,Did you hear about the limo driver... Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it. +38775,2,"I recently quit smoking meth I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep." +38776,7,"An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say ""What is that?"" say ""Who is that?"" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say ""What is that?"" say ""Who is that?"" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say ""Who is that?"" say ""What is that?"" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!" +38777,5,"Flowers Again A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, ""Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."" The blonde says, ""Don't you have a vase?""" +38778,2,Girlfriends are like boomerangs I hope... +38779,2,"knock knock Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”" +38780,3,"My friend told me this joke recently. A girl asked her mother why she was named Rose. Her mother replied, ""Well, it's because as we were walking out of the hospital with you, a rose petal fell on your head. Because of that, we decided to name you Rose."" Rose asked, ""So is that why my brother is named Leaf?"" ""Yup."" Replied the mother. ""Blaaappp-dbdbdbd-crskkk"" ""Shut up, Brick!"" Screamed the Mother." +38781,0,What is the biggest joke? This subreddit. +38782,0,"How do you view gays? How do you View lesbians? Me-How do you view gays? person- ehh, whatever they don't affect me Me- Same here Me- How do you view Lesbians? Person-Samething, they dont affect me Me- I view them in HD!" +38783,2,"I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter” ...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”" +38784,0,"I still don't get why we're still researching the surface of mars... We already know it's made up of chocolate and caramel, no need to search further. " +38785,5,Just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon I’ll let you know +38786,0,Why Indian people's are best dancers during wedding? because curry in India is very spicy. +38787,1,"So I heard Katy Perry just lost a case for stealing a bass line, and will probably lose a bit of money? I guess you can call that a *repercussion.*" +38788,2,How do crazy people get through the forest? They take the psycho-path +38789,4,"How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills? There, their, they're." +38790,0,My favorite part of deleting your history... ...is when you can still go to the previous page. +38791,1,Have you heard Michael Stipe has died? No? That's unsurprising seeing only two people know. That's me 'n the coroner +38792,0,three men walk into a bar; only two walk out. what happened to the third? he stayed inside. +38793,2,"A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep. When the dog returns, it says, ""Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"" ""Fifty?"" said the farmer. ""I thought there were only forty-eight."" ""Yes, that's right,"" said the dog. ""First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!""" +38794,1,A book never written. Equality By: Sibil Wrights. +38795,1,I tried making a steak and cheese omelette but I messed up the flip... I guess you can say that I beefed the eggsecution. +38796,2,I don't make mistakes twice I repeat them five or six times just to make sure. +38797,1,What do you call a man who smells of gravy? Stu! +38798,0,My nan caught me wanking once. Her hands are so soft... +38799,1,two guys were walking down the street; one of them was a bassist... the other guy didn't have any money either +38800,1,When did 888 equal zero???? When Eight ate eight +38801,1,Did your sauce run away? I guess you better ketchup to it. +38802,1,I used to have a Mexican girlfriend. But I had tequila. +38803,6,What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with? The tight end. +38804,0,What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto +38805,0,"thanks to youtube i can now rewatch some Craig Fergusson clips on his rpev show man, he really is *tootsie frootsie* hillarious!" +38806,5,"A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub... ...She says ""Show me it's true what they say about black men"". So he stabs her & nicks her purse." +38807,3,RIP: The boiling water. It will be mist. +38808,2,"I work at a vet. Recently a patient had one of it's toes removed, and I've noticed that he has become more of a dick. Do you think that there is a actual correlation, or am I just lack-toes-intolerant?" +38809,1,TIL I’m slightly less concerned if the world ends tomorrow It’s already tomorrow in Australia +38810,3,"What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming." +38811,0,"An old man goes to the computer and he yells to his son ""Why are you playing Minecraft again""" +38812,2,"A man wakes up one morning to... A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for ""Bear Removers."" He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. ""What are you going to do,"" the homeowner asks? ""I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."" He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. ""What's the shotgun for?"" asks the homeowner. ""If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."" " +38813,3,A period in a sentence can make a huge difference Mikaela was surprised Robbie ate her sandwich Mikaela was surprised Robbie ate her period +38814,2,"What does an r/frog say? reddit, reddit " +38815,0,An acorn is not a corn and a corn is not an acorn +38816,0,"Dear Abby, my wife is always telling me I don't try to solve my problems on my own. How can I prove her wrong?" +38817,1,Did you know Ike Turner was a weeaboo? He got off on beatings with Anna Mae. +38818,5,We should have known communism would fail In hindsight there were a lot of red flags +38819,2,"I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars." +38820,2,I had a Bernie supporters joke..... But most of them don't work. +38821,0,"The ten commandments When Moses got down from the Mt Sinai, he was perplexed seeing his people going out of hand, so he said : “I’ve got some good news … and I’ve got some bad news,” the lawgiver yells to them. “Which do you want first?” “The good news!” the hedonists reply. “I got Him from fifteen commandments down to ten!” “Hallelujah!” cries the unruly crowd. “And the bad?” “Adultery is still in.”" +38822,0,"An American, A Black Man, A Nazi, An Arab, A Chinese Man, A Canadian, and A Jewish Man all step off the ledge at the top a 20 story building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? They all hit the ground at the same time because the force of gravity is the same for each one of them so that they fall down at the same rate." +38823,5,I don't know why I was fired at the Viagra factory The surveillance video showed me hard at work. +38824,0,"Jesus is hanging on the cross... He looks down and sees his disciple Peter weeping, and says, ""Come to me my son"" Peter approaches a few steps. ""Closer"" whispers Jesus. Peter walks right up to the cross, and Jesus leans down and whispers, ""Peter, I can see your House from here!""" +38825,2,"I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, ""Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I had lots of loyal friends. I had sex almost every day. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage. Now I've lost it all."" I felt sorry for him, so I asked, ""What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"" ""Oh no, nothing like that,"" he said. ""No, no. I just got out of prison.""" +38826,1,If high blood pressure runs in your family... ...you'd better go catch it. +38827,2,"At a bathroom line. ''Can I go before you? I really need to number two'' ''No, I was here before you and I need to go as well''. ''I swear I need to go more than you''. ''You're so full of shit''." +38828,1,You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial. They're good in a pinch. +38829,0,What does a woodpecker do? Asks you $50 bucks for half hour. +38830,2,Which are the scariest kind of bees? Zombees +38831,3,"I was chatting up this woman. I said, ""You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."" ""Aww,"" she smiled, ""Can you?"" I said, ""Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."" " +38832,0,A guy named Sam with a snake walked into a bar. No one noticed them. +38833,1,I used to have a nice pair of golf shoes. Until I got a hole in one. +38834,0,"Nate the Snake. So, there's a man crawling through the desert. He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out. He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that. He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements. After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going. After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town. He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out. He walks through the sand. After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad. But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune. Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees. While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts. He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough. Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look. He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling. He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it. So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance. He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling. Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area. His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface. Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone. He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling. It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, ""Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"" He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time. Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle. And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him. He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot. Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes. Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all. He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting. He tries to clear his throat to say, ""Hello,"" but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out. He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now. He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, ""Hello? Is there anyone here?"" He hears, from his side, ""Greetings. What is it that you want?"" He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help. ""Please,"" he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, ""I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"" Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, ""Very well. Coming up."" A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him. He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake. ""It'll feel better in a minute."" He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all! ""Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"" ""Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,"" says the snake. ""That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."" ""You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"" ""No,"" says the snake, ""I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."" The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst. ""I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,"" continued the snake. ""I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."" ""Ummm, n-next request?"" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little. ""That's the way it works. If you like, that is,"" explained the snake. ""You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish."" The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs. ""But there are rules,"" the snake continued. ""The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility."" The snake looks at the man seriously. ""By the way,"" the snake says suddenly, ""my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish."" Again, the snake grinned. ""Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening."" The snake give his rattle a little shake. ""Umm, my name is Jack,"" said the man, trying to absorb all of this. ""Jack Samson. ""Can I ask you a question?"" Jack says suddenly. ""What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"" ""That's more than one question,"" grins Nate. ""But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question."" The snake's grin gets wider. ""Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed. ""For the third question,"" Nate continues, ""you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is."" Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin. ""As for the fourth question,"" Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, ""first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."" ""Wait,"" joked Jack, ""isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"" ""I thought that was implied."" Nate continued to look serious. ""Ummm...yeah."" Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. ""So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?"" Jack thought for a second. ""And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"" ""They may, I don't really know,"" said Nate. ""I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"" ""Yeah, they do,"" said Jack. ""I figured,"" replied Nate. ""As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice."" Nate said the last part with utter confidence. Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. ""Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"" Well, Jack,"" said Nate sadly, ""I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request."" Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back. ""Umm, well, ok,"" said Jack, ""what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"" ""Sure!"" said Nate, brightening. ""You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion."" Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him. ""Well, anyway,"" continued Nate, ""I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."" ""Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?"" said Jack. ""And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"" ""Right,"" nodded Nate. ""Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?"" Jack asked, hopefully. ""That takes two requests, Jack."" ""Yeah, I figured so,"" said Jack. ""But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"" ""Well, I could make you very smart,"" admitted Nate, ""but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."" ""Hmmm,"" said Jack. ""Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"" ""Maybe,"" said Nate, ""it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes."" Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders. ""Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"" ""No,"" said Nate. ""Just hold out your hand. Or heel."" Nate grinned. ""Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know,"" Nate said apologetically. Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy. ""Hey, Jack,"" Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, ""is that someone else coming up over there?"" Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food? Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate... Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans... Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. ""I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."" ""I've been doing this a long time, Jack,"" said Nate, confidently. ""You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."" ""Yeah, well, still,"" said Jack, ""it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"" ""More meat in the typical human butt,"" replied Nate. ""And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."" ""Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,"" answered Jack. ""Ok,"" said Nate. ""Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"" ""Just talk,"" said Jack. ""I'll sit here and try to not think about food."" ""We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"" answered Nate. ""Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!"" Jack jumped up. ""What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?"" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours. ""I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,"" replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to. ""Ugh,"" said Jack, sitting back down. ""I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."" ""Ok,"" replied Nate, still grinning. ""But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food. Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. ""You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."" Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically. ""Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,"" said Nate. ""Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here."" Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose. Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving. Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky. Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh! Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. ""In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,"" said Jack. ""Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."" ""It's about 30 miles that way."" Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. ""But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."" Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. ""Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"" ""Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,"" said Nate. ""He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."" ""Garden of Eden, hunh?"" said Jack. ""How long have you been here, Nate?"" ""No idea, really,"" replied Nate. ""A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."" ""So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?"" said Jack. ""Beats me,"" said Nate. ""Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."" ""Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?"" asked Jack. ""Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since. ""What is this place?"" said Jack. ""And what did he ask you to do?"" ""Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?"" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way. ""You can't touch that yet, Jack,"" said Nate. ""Why not?"" asked Jack. ""I haven't explained it to you yet,"" replied Nate. ""Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,"" said Jack. ""You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."" ""Yep, that's what it is,"" replied Nate. ""What does it do?"" asked Jack. ""End the world?"" ""Oh, no,"" said Nate. ""Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'."" For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned. Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. ""Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"" ""Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,"" smirked Nate. ""I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"" Nate continued to grin. ""A lever to end humanity?"" asked Jack. ""What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"" ""Well,"" replied Nate, ""I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't think to ask back when I started here."" ""Rules? What rules?"" asked Jack. ""The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it."" explained Nate. Jack looked somewhat shocked. ""You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"" ""Yep,"" replied Nate, ""if you want to."" Nate looked at Jack carefully. ""Do you want to, Jack?"" ""Umm, no."" said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. ""Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"" ""Yep,"" replied Nate, ""being as he'd be human too."" ""Has anyone ever seriously considered it?"" asked Nate. ""Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"" ""Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here."" Nate grinned some more. Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, ""So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"" ""That seems to be it,"" agreed Nate. ""What kind of criteria do I use to decide?"" said Jack. ""How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"" ""Nope,"" replied Nate. ""You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."" ""But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"" protested Jack. Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. ""You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."" Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. ""Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"" ""Yep,"" replied Nate. ""He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."" ""Sounds like a good guy,"" agreed Jack. ""How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"" ""Well,"" said Nate, ""he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."" ""What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?"" asked Jack. ""He asked me about the third request,"" replied Nate. ""Aha!"" It was Jack's turn to grin. ""And what did you tell him?"" ""I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out."" Nate looked serious again. ""And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."" (continued in comments)" +38835,4,"So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. ""You know what? No,"" said the executioner. ""I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."" Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, ""Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.""" +38836,2,How did the cat with 9 lives die instantly? It got ran over by a 3x3 truck. +38837,0,Never take His name in vain goddamn it. +38838,0,What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician? He didn't count with this. +38839,1,Why did dad send his son to shop class? To learn shelf sufficeny. +38840,0,Beware of the jealous cannibals They'll eat *your* heart out! +38841,0,"At first, I thought ""yiffing"" meant huffing in paint fumes. I still wish that was true." +38842,0,"I just got a job offer from a really good company with high salary Yep, not falling for that April Fool's joke." +38843,2,"A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school? SON: At school. *robot slaps son* SON: Ok, I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story. *robot slaps son again* SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star. DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad* MOM: HAHA!! After all, he is your son! *Robot slaps mom*" +38844,1,Why do elephants wear red sneakers? To hide in cherry trees. You don't get it? Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? See it works. +38845,0,How did the haunted house escape foreclosure? it was repossessed +38846,0,I like my women like my Asian food: Hot and sweet. +38847,2,The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace. +38848,1,What did the cannibal say when he ate the clown? That tasted funny. +38849,4,"How many angry people does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they tell it to screw itself." +38850,0,What do you call a paedophile crustacean? A Diddler Crab +38851,1,I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife. He said that's not how a divorce works. +38852,2,"A lizard was walking through the jungle... ...and he comes across a monkey sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard, being curious, asks the monkey what he was smoking. The monkey replies that he's smoking weed and the Lizard asks if he could try some as he's never had it before. The monkey allows it. After a few tokes, the Lizard becomes really thirsty with cotton mouth and asks for some water. The monkey directs him to a small lake, down the path and take a right by a bush that looks like Shirley Bassey. The lizard makes his way and sees the lake and starts gulping water like he's borderline death. A crocodile pops up and is curious why the Lizard is so thirsty. He explains that he tried cannabis for the first time and got thirsty. The Croc asks where he got it from and the Lizard directs him to the monkey. *""take this path and turn left by the bush that looks like Shirley Bassey and you'll see him in a tree""*. The Croc follows the path, takes a left and comes across the monkey. After asking if he could try some of his weed, the monkey, upon seeing this giant croc asks *""Jesus Christ! How much water did you drink??""*" +38853,4,"A woman was having a good time with her vibrator, when it slipped and got stuck in her vagina. She visited the gynecologist and he informed her, ""it's really stuck, it will cost $10,000 to remove."" Looking disparaged, she asked the doctor, ""how much to change the batteries?""" +38854,2,"An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The Scotsman says, ""I'd like to buy a round for the whole pub."" ​ The headlines the next day read, ""Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death in alley behind pub."" " +38855,0,What do you call a guy who got kicked in the balls? Scrambled eggs +38856,0,I avoid the World Cup jokes here on Reddit About as much as the Brits avoid the finals. +38857,0,"So a man goes on a date... And says, ""I hope you don't mind I brought my mother along."" to his date. She says, ""Ummm...it's ok I guess, where is she?"" He places an urn on table, and says: ""Mom this is Laura, Laura this is my mom, Cathy.""" +38858,1,"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. --career advancement program at my job Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?" +38859,3,"A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg. ""Well"", says the pirate, ""I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."" ""What about the hook hand?"" Pirate: ""Me vessel got boarded by some scallywags and I lost me hand in the fight."" ""Well, how about the eyepatch?"" ""Ol' Polly here pooped in me eye!"" The bartender was confused and asked how that could possibly make him lose his eye. The pirate responds: ""First day with the hook.""" +38860,2,What do you call a SWAT Team of Alligators? Gator-Raid +38861,3,"This 4th of July please remember it's not ""firecracker"" This Independence Day, please remember it's not ""firecracker,"" that term is very offensive to some people. It's ""fire-caucasian."" Thank you." +38862,3,Bound to offend some but hey what. What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Mega Sore Arse +38863,1,Where do ghosts go to sleep? To the boudoir +38864,4,"A poor little boy writes a letter to Santa A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa: ""Dear Santa, I'm very poor and I don't have much. My dad passed away last year and my mom doesn't spend much time with me as she's usually very tired after drinking wine. I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plenty of fancy toys last year, but I don't care for these. However, I wish you could bring me a hat, a scarf and a pair of gloves, so I could go out and play with my friends in the snow. That would be the most beautiful day of my life. With love, Johnny"". A post office employee intercepts the letter, reads if, and is moved by the little kid's story. She decides to go around the office and collect some money to buy little Johnny the gift he's been dreaming of. After chasing everyone in the office, she manages to gather $13... $14... $15. After work, she goes to a little shop nearby to buy the hat, scarf and gloves. Unfortunately, she only has enough money for a hat and a scarf. Oh well, that should do just fine. She wraps the gift, attaches a letter with it ""Dear Johnny, here is the gift you've asked me for. Enjoy the company of your friends on this very special day. Your friend, Santa"", and sends it to the kid. She feels great - a little kid's dream has been achieved thanks to her and her colleagues from the post office. One week later, she intercepts another letter from the kid addressed to Santa, and is excited to read about the kid's wonderful Christmas Day: ""Dear Santa. I received your gift, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I couldn't go out and play with my friends and had to stay home with my mom (she gets pretty mean after two bottles of wine), because there were only a hat and a scarf in the box (no gloves), and my mom wouldn't let me go out without a pair of gloves. It's probably those fuckers from the post office who stole the gloves. Love, Johnny""" +38865,2,"The Secretary of Defense sits in the Oval Office briefing Bush on Iraq... ""Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."" ""Oh no!"" exclaims the president, ""That's terrible!"" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands. Finally, he looks up and asks, ""How many is a brazillion?"" " +38866,5,The creator of predictive text died today His funfair is next monkey +38867,0,"Welcome to the club of people who wish to become penises! ""Thank you! How do I become a member?""" +38868,2,"3 men walk into a The Guinness Book of world records HQ. the first man claims he has the worlds smallest arm. the second man claims he has the worlds smallest foot. the third man claims he has the worlds smallest penis. after being tested? by the Guinness Book of Records, the first man said ""wow, i really have the worlds smallest arm!"" the second man said ""wow, i really have the world smallest foot! the third man storms out and says: ""WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER!?""" +38869,2,Do ya know how to avoid click bait? Perhaps not. +38870,0,"I asked my German friend if he knew what 649,935 divided by 65 was. The first couple dozen times he wouldn't answer, but when he got it, he was really excited to say it." +38871,2,"Decided to name my Penis Titanic.. Not because it’s big or long, but because it’s a bit sad at the end.." +38872,0,"I told a joke at a funeral. Nobody laughed, but one guy was dead." +38873,0,I'm a German stand up comedian. Ba-dum-tss +38874,0,How do you get a condom on an elephant? Take the 'Y' out of 'easy' and the 'F' out of 'Way' .... +38875,0,"A smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Claus all jump from the golden gate bridge at the same time. Who makes the biggest splash? The dumb blonde, because the others don't exist!" +38876,1,Which Thrill Ride Does A Wine Glass Like To Go On The Most? A Coaster +38877,2,"Little Jimmy got called into the principal's office. ""Jimmy,"" the principal said, ""you can't bring your cat to school."" ""I'm sorry, mister, I had to. I was afraid for his life."" Confused, the principal asked him what he meant. Jimmy replied: ""I heard my dad say 'when the kids go to school, I'm going to tear that pussy apart.'""" +38878,1,"A man breaks down near a monastery. A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to know end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk" +38879,1,What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and an infant child? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window +38880,3,I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do? +38881,2,called France today.... it was occupied. +38882,0,What do you call an apple eater? Applecider. +38883,0,Reddit are you OK? You keep telling me you have troubles and you even stopped working. +38884,2,What compound is found in a lazy person's brain? Sodium Procrastinate +38885,5,"What’s the difference between a sock and a camera? One is for five toes, the other is for photos." +38886,0,What’s a woman’s favorite kind of film to watch when she’s menstruating? A period piece. +38887,3,Why is rabbit sex so quiet? Cotton Balls +38888,0,I literally just dropped the biggest poop of my life I was gonna take a picture bit I figured it would just end up looking like crap so I didn't +38889,1,"Yo momma so fat She had sex, started sweating and caused global warming" +38890,7,"Two men were washed ashore during World War I. Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. ""You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?"" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, ""It's better than a fortnight.""" +38891,2,"A joke is like a frog... When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it." +38892,2,"Little girl logic A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. " +38893,0,"Have you met Bruce Lee's larger, harrier brother? . . .Bear-Lee. He's barely as soft as soft-lee" +38894,2,"It makes sense that tumblr is against whites with dreadlocks After all, these are the *dreaded* white people they're always talking about." +38895,6,It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning. You could hear the gunshots. +38896,1,My girl friend left me because of my obsession of Linkin Park... In the end it doesn’t even matter. +38897,2,What do sheep call the oldest patriarch of the herd? The pasture prime. +38898,1,"A guy came into my shoe shop today He said, ""I'd like a pair of red shoes please."" ""Certainly sir,"" I replied. ""What size?"" ""Size 40."" Fucking clown." +38899,1,I have been drug free for 14 years! I’m 14! +38900,1,"An old man was riding the subway. A young man was sitting across from him He had wildly spiked hair with streaks of color: blue, yellow, red, and purple. The old man was staring at him intently, so the young man said, ""What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything out of the ordinary in your life?"" The old man said, ""Yes, twenty years ago I had sex with a parrot. I thought you were my son."" - credit to Jerry Lewis for this one" +38901,0,When life gives you lemons... Make orange juice and make em wonder how in the fuck you did it. +38902,1,"As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, with tears in his eyes, he turned to me and said You know one birthday could would've been enough" +38903,1,How did Luke Skywalker get to Endor? Ewoked +38904,1,Why did the carbon boy turn into diamond? Peer pressure at school +38905,4,A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go The coffee gets up and leaves +38906,0,"Indian fever I went out with this white girl, and she said, ""I'm so glad you asked me out, I actually have Indian fever!"". She died from malaria." +38907,0,"My wife said ""I will be ready in 5 minutes"" And then she was ready in 5 minutes" +38908,1,"I just had a scoliosis correction surgery When I woke up, the doctor said ""well, now that we've got that all straightened out, we can focus on recovery""" +38909,1,Dogs can't get MRI's But cats can +38910,1,"Two nuns are walking in the abbey The first nun says to the other “I played a prank on the priest last night.” “Who, the handsome one?” the other nun replies. The first nun nods. “I poked a hole in his condom.” The second nun faints." +38911,0,"How can you tell that an dyslexic person is angry? They yell ""Don't make me put your foot up my ass!""" +38912,1,"3 presidents in a plane The President of the United States of Russia and Cuba are in a jet. the American president puts his hand out the window and says I can tell we’re traveling over the United States, the crew in the plane clap and say how do you know that? the American president says well the breeze is just American, some time later the Russian president puts his hand out and says yup this is Russia the crew claps and ask how do you know this is Russia, again the president respond its the breeze finally the Cuban president puts his hand out the window and says Yup this is Cuba the crew claps and says wow mister president how did you know Cuban president says well I’ll be darn if I didn’t notice then steal my watch" +38913,1,"Sorry I’m English btw I went into the shop the other day. Saw a ready made burger. When I went to the till the lady said “that’s £2 please” I replied ”surely it’s 25p” She looked at me, confused. Dunno why, it’s a quarter pounder after all!" +38914,3,How do coke dealers meet women? Pickup lines. +38915,1,What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you? +38916,2,What does a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it! +38917,2,"An orange walks into a bar and asks for a drink... The bartender looks at the orange and says "" sorry I don't speak mandarin"" " +38918,1,"A couple who met when they were children and got married right out of highschool were looking back on their 60 years of marriage... As they sat there, looking deeply into each other's eyes, the wife reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him out of his chair. ""What in the hell was that for,"" he asked. ""That's for being bad in bed all these years!"" The man picked himself up, sat down. After a few moments he reached over and hit her back. ""What in the hell was that for,"" she asked. ""That's for knowing the difference.""" +38919,3,"I heard women's pants are half-off at the clothes store. But when I got there, all the women were fully clothed. There's a special place in hell for that false advertiser." +38920,2,Step 1: Die Step 2: Be resurrected Step 3: ???? Step 4: Prophet +38921,0,Everybody sucks Everybody sucks at blowjobs. +38922,2,Velcro. What a rip off! +38923,1,What did the Australian toilet say? Bidet mate! +38924,5,25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary.... Because that means 75% are running around untreated. +38925,2,"Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't. This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning linguist." +38926,1,Why did the GPU cross the road? To render the other side. +38927,4,The first French fry wasn’t cooked in France. It was cooked in Greece. +38928,1,Why did the burglar skip the kitchen? He didn't want to take any whisks. +38929,1,DAD:Always date an asthmatic... SON: Why dad? DAD: You'll always take her breath away. +38930,0,How fast can the lesbian get here? Licka de split! +38931,0,I can't wait for the release of one of the most anticipated series finales ever World War Part III +38932,0,"Child acting in movies sucks. Fortunately, the child acting in porn is top notch. " +38933,4,My girlfriend said there's nothing wrong with having a 4 inch long penis... But I'd prefer she didn't have one at all +38934,1,"A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter *""You sure get a lot of tips""* he says. ""That's not a tip jar"" says the bartender ""you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play? *""Sure, why not?""* ""Alright, here we go. You see that bottle of vodka on the counter? Drain it in one go. There's an angry doberman in the backyard. His right canine tooth hurts. Pull it out. And also, there's an old hag living in the apartment building opposite the bar. She hasn't had a man in almost 30 years. You'll have to sleep with her. What do you say?"" *""I guess I could do that""* He grabs the bottle and drains it. Then he stumbles drunkenly out of the bar and into the backyard. There's a great commotion - barking, shouting, whining, sounds of struggle... After a while he walks in, torn and bloodied, and says: *""Aaalright! Where's that old hag with a toothache?""*" +38935,0,"Talking about guns in Australia, You could say it's nerf or nothing." +38936,0,Theresa May cuts a lonely figure... Smart. No witnesses. +38937,3,What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with Vegetables? Mrs Hawking +38938,3,There's something making the center of my back itch But I can't put my finger on it. +38939,4,"Sunday School Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and Savior,"" but April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ""JESUS CHRIST!"" shouted April and the teacher said ""very good,"" and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. ""What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted ""IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"" The Teacher fainted . . . " +38940,4,Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go the the bathroom? Because they are extinct. +38941,1,What do you called a confused Panda? Bamboozaled +38942,1,"I stole an election from the altar at my town's church. It resulted a huge altarcation in the chapel, let me tell you." +38943,5,"A guy gets the words ""I love you"" tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife, and she says, ""Stop trying to put words in my mouth.""" +38944,0,What do you call a cow with no legs ? Ground beef +38945,0,"A man comes home from work early, his wife asks, - You came early honey, what happened ? - I quit my job, I just couldn't stay there after what that man said to me. - Really ? That's awful. What did he say to you though ? - ""You're fired.""" +38946,0,What do ants drink? Tea. It's an ant tea joke. +38947,0,Muhammad Ali's last words last night: [Insert text here] +38948,8,"Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. ""what's Logic?"" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, ""Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"" ""I sure do."" ""Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,"" replied the professor. ""That's real good!"" says the redneck. The professor continues, ""Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."" Impressed, the redneck says, ""Amazin!"" ""And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."" ""That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"" The redneck is obviously catching on. ""Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"" said the professor. ""You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. ""So what classes are ya takin'?"" asks the friend. ""Math, History, and Logic!"" replies the first redneck. ""What in tarnation is logic???"" asked his friend. ""Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"" asked the first redneck. ""No,"" his friend replied. ""FAG"" " +38949,0,"You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes... Y’know, your really do, you have to hand *it* to them. " +38950,0,"I was put in charge of taking care of three less fortunate children The first one, the poor bastard.. he had cancer. The second child... well... his family died in a cow stampede. Was traumatised for life. The third child... the miserable, tourtured bugger... He was half Asian. " +38951,3,"Three vampire bats had a bet to see who could come back with the most blood, first bat comes back, nothing second bat also comes back nothing, third bat takes off and later returns with blood oozing out of his mouth, the other bats say where did you get all that blood? He replies, see that tree. Well I didn't." +38952,0,Why did the menstruating British girl not want to have sex? She doesn't give a bleedin' fuck. +38953,0,What's the difference between a joke and Five Guys? Your mom can't take a joke. +38954,4,"My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees! She said ""Get out from under that bed and fight like a man.""" +38955,3,Why are dogs bad dancers? Because they have two left feet. +38956,1,Someone used a cane to point out stuff instead of a laser pointer during a presentation today. He asked for feedback on his presentation. I said it was fantastick +38957,0,What is a frogs favorite soda? Croak-a-Cola +38958,2,What’s the best part about being a flight attendant? Walking down the aisle and saying “trash” to everyone’s face +38959,0,"Things got heated on my date the other night and I said ""hey you wanna do 68?"" She says ""what's that?"" I said ""it's when you blow me and I owe you one.""" +38960,1,Where did the muslim go after going on the airplane? Everywhere +38961,1,I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it struck me. +38962,0,What? Our Lord and Savior is masturbating? Jesus fucking Christ. +38963,1,Did you ever hear the joke about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods? No? How about the one who dumped his girlfriend? +38964,1,What do you call a stripper with jaundice? An orange peeler +38965,0,Whats brown and sticky? A stick +38966,2,Holocaust Jokes are poorly executed. +38967,1,My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive He said he needed to C: +38968,0,He’s so egotistical he even signs his name to anonymous letters. Anonymous +38969,1,What do you call a Golden retriever at a costume party? A Golden deceiver +38970,3,Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolate. They'll kill your dog. +38971,2,What's brown and rhyme with snoop? Dr Dre +38972,1,What do you call a pirate who is made out of pastry dough? Pierate +38973,4,"A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged. He said ""I've been robbed by two tortoises"" The desk officer said ""Can you describe the incident"" The snail replied ""No not really it all happened so fast """ +38974,1,Kelvin. What an absolute unit. +38975,0,You can't run through a camp ground You can only ran because it's past tents +38976,0,My e-mail account is so damned secure... ...even I'm not allowed to log in half the time. +38977,0,"My sociopathic cousin. I always find it a little strange when people don't laugh at clearly funny jokes. Like I have this cousin who is an absolute sociopath, he never laughs at anything and he's terrible at telling jokes. He even said to me once, ""Ryan, you're the funniest guy I know. How do you consistently tell people the best jokes they've ever heard?"" I said to him, ""Because I'm not like you I'm not a sociopath, I can put myself right in the shoes of others and view my jokes through their eyes, how they would perceive them. I just don't care how they feel.""" +38978,0,Wanna know how i know i'm getting laid tonight? Because i am stronger then you. +38979,0,Whats a Jamaican's favorite kind of pasta? Rasta roni +38980,4,"Mom and daughter action A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her. After a few drinks together they decided to head back to her place. They get there and the lady kind of gives him a sly grin and asks if he might be interested in something a little more kinky... Maybe some mom and daughter action? The guy was stoked because if she looked this good at her age, her daughter must be smoking hot. So he enthusiastically agreed. They head upstairs together. The woman quietly knocks on a door and whispers, ""Mom, are you awake?" +38981,1,"When I was in the library, I found a book titled ''How to solve 50% of your problems.'' So i bought two books." +38982,2,"A guy applies for a job at a circus Manager:""What are your talents?"" Guy:""I can imitate a crow really well!!"" Manager:""Sorry i don't think you can be of use to us"" Guy:""Shit, i was sure i would get the job, well ok then, bye"" proceedes to turn around and fly away " +38983,4,Why was the Mexican prescribed Xanax? For Hispanic attacks. +38984,0,From witcher what is the name of the yennefer's guard name? \\-milfguardian +38985,0,Just a reminder Eat her ass like homemade lasagna your grandma made you on your 14th birthday Scouts out +38986,0,I slept with a girl who was so fat I had to roll her around in flour to find the wet spot +38987,1,"She told me to give her 9"" and make it hurt. So, I shoved it in three times and slapped her in the face." +38988,0,I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water... My doctor says I've got selfie steam issues... +38989,2,"How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology? Simple. Just like with ""Eco-"", you don't consider it a science if it ends with ""-logy""" +38990,2,"What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side? (shrugs) ""Well, Sith happens""" +38991,1,"I was talking to a painter once I asked him why did he insist on old styles, he told me that old habits dye hard" +38992,1,My uncle works at a camp for kids who are about to be molested I mean everyone complains about their job but he loved everyday of his +38993,6,My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she sounded like my wife +38994,2,Why do marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft. +38995,5,"Apparently, you can only say ""Look at you! You got so big!"" to children... Old girlfriends seem to get offended." +38996,1,"What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? ""I'm not Willie Nelson.""" +38997,2,I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me. +38998,8,I won't control what you do on the internet but Theresa May +38999,0,"A man walks into a bar He sits at the bar an orders a beer from the bartender. While drinking his beer he looks around the bar and notices a larger gorilla sitting at the far end. Trying not to panic, he quietly calls the bartender over and says “What’s with the gorilla at the end of the bar?” The bartender responds “Oh man, you gotta see this!” The bartender take a bat out from behind the bar, walk over to the gorilla, and hits him in the back of the head with the bat. The gorilla immediately jumps up, runs around the bartender three times and the pulls his pants down and gives the bartender a blowjob. After finishing up and zipping back up the bartender says to the man “ Pretty cool huh?” The man agrees that it was amazing. Bartender says “Wanna give it a try?” To which the man replies “Nah, I don’t think I should”. Bartender “Come on man give it a try! I promise you’ll love it!” The man “Alright, but you’re not gunna hit me as hard as you hit the gorilla, are ya?”" +39000,6,What do you call a guy who does not fart in public? A private tutor. +39001,0,What's the difference between a Youtuber and a hooker? a Youtuber gives you ads... and a hooker gives you aids. +39002,3,Why are gay guys able to float? Because they're flamboyant. +39003,2,A drummer and his wife have indentical twin daughters. And their names are.. Anna 1 Anna 2 +39004,1,"Iraqi dad gives his daughter a gift. An Iraqi Father gifted his daughter a new bag. His daughter replies with, ""Thank you for the baghdad.""" +39005,1,My life is like my dick... hard and short +39006,2,"v v ​ Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken." +39007,0,Why did Trump have to falsify his medical records? Because of two bad hombros +39008,0,You know what the best place to get the most unbiased news from? The weather channel. +39009,3,"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts." +39010,2,"A freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother. I mean ""another""!!" +39011,1,"ATTACK DOG A man wanted a big, veracious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.""He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog,"" said the buyer.""Well, he's not bad,"" replied the owner, ""but I have something better in mind for you.""They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.""Ah,"" said the buyer, ""This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.""""Well, no."" said the owner. ""I have something better in mind for you.""The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.""This is the dog I had in mind for you,"" said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. ""You're joking!"" he exclaimed.""This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!""""I know, I know,"" said the owner. ""But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.""" +39012,4,My neighbours listen to some really good music Whether they like it or not. +39013,0,"Are you a remote doesn't function on me? Because you seem to try to control my life, but failed." +39014,2,"2 aliens go to a gas station Alien 1 says to a gas pump ""TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER"" Alien 2 warns the other alien ""hey watch out dude he seems like a badass"" Alien 1 says ""NONSENSE, TAKE ME YOUR LEADER NOW OR DIE"" Alien 1 then shoots the gas pump and there is a huge explosion knocking them both down Alien 1 asks ""how did you know he was a badass?"" Alien 2 says ""anyone that can wrap their dick around them 3 times and call themself Ethel MUST be a badass""" +39015,0,I heard Jared Fogle has already gained 30lb in prison I guess he's still getting a foot long a day. +39016,4,"Buddy is down to the final interview of finally realizing his lifelong dream of becoming an FBI Agent... It’s down to him and 2 other candidates. The three candidates sit in a room together waiting to be called in for the final interview. The first candidate goes in only to reappear minutes later upset and storms out muttering something about “taking things too far”. The second candidate goes in, again only to reappear minutes later visibly shaken and yelling “you guys are nuts”. Buddy is confused - what could possibly be going on in there. After a few minutes he is called in. The man across the desk explains that the FBI is built on undying loyalty to the FBI - period. To that end he explains that they have brought in the mans wife and that she is in the next room - next he slides a revolver across the desk and orders him to go in and shoot and kill her. Without hesitation Buddy grabs the gun and heads into the other room. From the office 3 shots can be heard - followed by an audible struggle and chocking. The interviewer and 2 FBI agents rush into the room to see what is going on. Upon opening the door they witness Buddy strangling his wife with his bare hands. The Interviewer yells “what the hell are you doing” - Buddy replies “the gun you gave me was loaded with blanks so I’m strangling the bitch”" +39017,2,How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. +39018,0,What runs forever and never dies? An argument with a woman! And I'm in one right now. +39019,1,"A Chinese guy was recuperating from joint surgery at a hospital. The doctor who came to check on him said - Knee, how? " +39020,1,"A big internet company now renders donkeys with open-source technology It's called ""Google GL ass""" +39021,0,"A student has been stealing from his chemistry class... A student has been stealing from his chemistry class. As he slips a flask of HCl into his pocket, the professor spots him. The student bolts for the door. Yelling as loud as he can, the professor yells, ""Quick! Cesium before he gets away!""" +39022,2,My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert He came down with the sickness +39023,4,"Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming ""We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"" Turned out it was Farmer Geddon" +39024,0,What do you call a dinosaur that is three years old? Triannosaurus! +39025,3,You know what Trump had besides money? A barber with a sense of humor. +39026,1,The nudist colony restaurant was so bad Even the salad was undressed +39027,2,"How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb? We're not sure, they've yet to see the light." +39028,0,"A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?" +39029,4,"A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train. A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train. From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other. Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard. When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, ""It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him"". The boss thinks, ""The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him"". The girl thinks ""Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him"". While the guy thinks, ""This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss""." +39030,0,"Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”" +39031,2,"I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail. Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash. " +39032,1,"Why you should mind your own business... A man was strolling down the street and he was walking past a mental institution. There was a wooden fence separating the sidewalk and the mental institution. As he was walking he heard a group of patients chanting ""13, 13, 13!"" and because he was curious he peered through a hole in the fence to see what was going on then, out of nowhere, a stick poked his eye and they started chanting, ""14, 14, 14!""." +39033,3,I had a fantastic threesome last night. A couple of people no showed but I still enjoyed myself. +39034,3,What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it. +39035,3,Why was there music coming from the printer? Because the paper was jamming +39036,0,What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison. +39037,1,I like my rum like I like my women Twelve years old and mixed up with Coke. +39038,3,"For me, racism is the same as masturbating. I don't approve of it, but I'm pretty damn good at it. (Credits to Ronald Goedemondt)" +39039,2,I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only They're calling them Sherlock Homes. +39040,1,What does the Queen of England drink? Royal tea. +39041,0,Roommate: Where did you put the label maker? Me: In the drawer labelled sex-stuff +39042,0,What do people do for a party itinerary in the Jersey Shore? Gym.Tan.Laundry. +39043,2,A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps. The bar tended turns around and says “sorry we don’t serve food here”. +39044,0,"Allways look on the bright side. Allways look on the bright side. Lose your keys to your car at least you have a car, get a demotion at your job at least you have one. Get hit by a car well you can pay for college" +39045,0,What do you call a blind german? A not-see. +39046,8,"A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"" she asked ""They're mating,"" her father replied. ""What do you call the spider on top?"" she asked. ""That's a Daddy Longlegs,"" her father answered. ""So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied ""No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."" The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, ""Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."" " +39047,0,"I just hate people who take drugs and alcohol I mean, someone else bought it, so it's his, isn't it?" +39048,0,How do wizards save their spells to PDF? They hexport them. +39049,1,Whats the difference between a computer and a woman? I've never turned a woman on before. +39050,1,"Grow money I had a $100 bill tattooed on my dick. I can now watch my money grow, play with my money, and my g/f will blow $100 in no time." +39051,2,"A 80 year old man walks in on his 80 year old wife doing a naked handstand He asks, “What are you doing?” She says, “I know you can’t get it up but maybe you can drop it in”" +39052,4,"Suspended Boy: Dad, I got suspended from school today. Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?! Boy: A kid said ""sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."" Dad: So? Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him. Dad: That's my boy." +39053,1,What do you call going to the bathroom at Midnight? Shhhhhhhhitting +39054,3,Don't know why calling someone a pussy means they're sensitive and weak Those things can take a pounding! +39055,0,"I hate it when all the people I know keep telling me that “I don’t get it”. I mean, what does that even mean?" +39056,3,"a man walks into a bar A guy on vacation in Spain walks into a bar and notices a large display on the wall. Hanging down are what look like rows of tennis balls on string. The guy asks the bartender about the display, and the bartender says proudly ""The owners of this bar come from a long line of bullfighters. These are trophies from every bullfight in their family. The larger the testicles, the stronger and more aggressive the bull."" The man points to the smallest set on the wall, about the size of a pair of grapes. ""What about those?"" ""Senor, the bull does not always lose."" " +39057,2,"I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists. If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them. " +39058,6,"An italian is picking up chicks at the bar While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause, she replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first, and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” She says “No, American.”" +39059,0,Where does Finn buy groceries (Star Wars FE Spoilers) Traitor Joes. +39060,2,"A one armed man enters a store and asks: ""Is this a second hand shop?"" " +39061,5,"I was sitting in a bar one day... ...and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.  So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”  One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”  So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”  That’s about as far as I remember. " +39062,0,When does a motel become a hotel? When your mom stays in it. +39063,0,"I would like to burn my alarm clock and sue the makers of it for all the years of mental trauma, anguish, and self-loathing it's morning beeps are the direct cause of. But I'd probably be late to court." +39064,1,Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk? Because he wanted them to work over-time~ +39065,0,Why did two Hispanic people drive over someone? Because they Mexi-can. +39066,4,"If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet, Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be." +39067,0,What was the name of the Norwegian porn star? Hugh Jørgen +39068,0,What's a mutuality between kissing a girl on the lips and kissing a donkey? One slip of your tongue and you taste ass. +39069,3,"Will I be OK doc? ""I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"" I don't do that astrology stuff doc. ""Me neither. My thermometer just broke""" +39070,1,My French friends said they were taking me out for some fun... It was a riot! +39071,1,How do you have sex with a vegetable? Ask if they want to-mate-O. +39072,5,"Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW] During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular. During the Bush years, the demand for ""dumb blonde"" types hit an all time high. During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off. And recently, incest porn has become really popular." +39073,0,I bought someone a Medieval playset for Christmas last year. They hated it... Ah well. It's the fort that counts. +39074,2,Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character? You're flerken right he is. +39075,7,"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. ""Nurse,""' he mumbles from behind the mask, ""are my testicles black?"" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ""I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."" He struggles to ask again, ""Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, ""There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."" The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ""Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?""" +39076,3,My grandma recently claimed she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein.. What a stroke of genius. +39077,2,My cows ate all my weed plants The steaks have never been higher. +39078,0,A German shepherd Is finally on trial for the 1940s murder of a Jewish shepherd. More on this as it enters the newsroom. +39079,1,Someone told me that I have a very narrow worldview Well... that's just how we Asians see things. +39080,0,What does the sign on the door say at the sperm bank.... Thanks for coming! +39081,2,What do you call A man doing Laundry? Non-existent +39082,3,I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues. +39083,2,"How to become a The Fray fan in easy steps - Step 1: You say, ""We need to talk...""" +39084,2,What's the upside of a hillbilly divorce? She stays your sister +39085,0,I've got a joke for you. Government is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. +39086,5,"The teacher says ""If you answer my question, you can go home."" One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks ""Who did that?"" ""It was me, goodbye.""" +39087,3,"A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, ""Dad, how many kinds of ... ... boobs are there? ""The father, surprised, answers, ""Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."" ""Onions?"" the son asks. ""Yes. You see them and they make you cry."" This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, ""Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"" The mother smiles and says, ""Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."" ""A Christmas tree?"" the daughter asks. ""Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration." +39088,0,What is a pirate's favorite place to drink? A b*arrr*! What is a pirate's favorite mode of transportation? A c*arrr*! What is a pirate's favorite maritime activity? Sodomy! +39089,0,What do you get if you give marijuana a positive charge? A potion. +39090,3,"The devil's offer One day, a number of years ago, the devil visited Hillary Clinton at her law office in Arkansas. ""I can arrange some things for you, "" the devil said. ""I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. One day, I might even make you President. All I require in return is that your husband's soul, your daughter's soul, and her children's souls rot in hell for eternity."" Hillary thought for a moment. ""What's the catch?"" she asked." +39091,5,Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. +39092,0,What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty! +39093,0,What are the similarities between the skin on your forehead and your d*ck? They’re both foreskin. +39094,1,What do bovines need to help their bones grow? Cow-cium +39095,2,"Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives ." +39096,0,"Thanks, Obama! The one time the Republicans are actually happy it is Obama's fault that Trump is President. " +39097,0,killed it tonight... girlfriend was singing hallelujah in the shower after sex walked into the bathroom only to find her praying it never happens again. +39098,3,Life is a soup And i am a fork +39099,4,"I have an EpiPen I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it." +39100,0,What's an amputees favorite book? A Farewell to Arms +39101,2,"A Zen monk enters a Pizza Hut... ...the employee says ""Welcome to Pizza Hut, Sir! What kind of pizza do you want?"" The monk thinks about it and says ""Can you make me one with everything?""" +39102,1,Did you hear about the dancer that was killed in the stripper bar? Now the place is haunted with en-titties. +39103,0,Sometimes I like to ignite my taro roots. It sparks poi. +39104,4,"[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault." +39105,1,What did the customer say to the waiter who had a cool phone? What does your fondue? +39106,5,"A man is going fishing one day. After awhile, he ran out of worms to use as bait. He noticed a cottonmouth with a frog hanging out of its mouth. Knowing frogs make good bait, he caught the snake. He picked it up by the back of the head since it couldn't bite him with a frog in its mouth. The man removes the frog and thinks ""how do I let the snake go without being bit?"". So, with his free hand, he reaches into his box and pulls out his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man is able to release it without getting bit. Hours later, he's done fishing and packing stuff up when he feels something on his foot. He looks down and it's the same snake, with two more frogs." +39107,2,Give a man a jacket and he can go outside.. Teach him to jacket and he'll never leave the house +39108,2,"Whats the difference between a hormone and an enzyme??? You can't hear an enzyme, but you can hear a hormone. " +39109,2,"I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz... I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time." +39110,1,Why did the Real Estate Agent fail to sell the house next to a horse stable? Because his clients were worried about the neigh-bors. +39111,0,What is the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven +39112,1,"The wife asked, ""why do you smell like vanilla?"" I don't know, the stripper smelled like orange." +39113,1,"[Long] Donald Trump , Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel are sitting in a Punkte plane... Merkel starts saying: I have that much money that I could make everybody in Germany happy. Now Putin goes on and says: I am that rich, I could make all people of Russia happy. Now Trump is the last one and says: I could make the god damn europe happy... A few moments later they are hearing the pilot saying: There are these very nice mountains to the left. If I would fly straight into it, the whole world would be happy. (Sry for my english, Im not native speaker) " +39114,2,"Bathrooms with motion detecting light switches are the worst... If you take too long to take a dump, you can’t see shit. " +39115,1,Why did the Goo Goo Dolls cross the road? To get to the other Slide. Sorry for my bad joke. +39116,5,"A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives. Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout ""STEVE!!!"" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name..." +39117,0,What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? When you pull your meat out of the refrigerator it doesn't fart. +39118,0,what do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia? A cancelled Czech. +39119,0,"Someone told me today that ""happiness starts with you."" I looked and them and replied, ""No... it starts with H.""" +39120,1,Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never—lands. +39121,0,What do you call a religious snack? A Chip Monk. +39122,1,What does 26+6 equal? Peace in Ireland +39123,8,"Sex could be fatal... An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl. He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night. The doctor tells him, "" I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."" The old man says ""Doc, if she dies, she dies.""" +39124,1,"Wife: Tonight, I think I’m in the mood for some anal. Me: NO! NO! PLEASE NOT THE STRAP-ON AGAIN!" +39125,0,What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I won't play $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face +39126,1,"Husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV... The husband then opens a beer and finishes it in a second. Husband: ""I love you."" Wife: ""Is that you talking? Or is that the beer talking?"" Husband: ""That's ME Talking to the beer""." +39127,0,How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick +39128,0,What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird. +39129,0,Just invented mug repellant It's called farting +39130,0,"I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying... ""What's wrong?"" I asked. He answered, ""It's this job man! I hate it!""" +39131,0,At his funeral everyone was saying my grandad had a huge heart Following his death at 70 from heart cancer. +39132,1,Who is the funniest president of the U.S.A? - Who? - Bill Clinton. - Why? - Because he's fucking Hillary's ass. +39133,2,"A man finds an armless/legless girl on the beach... [NSFW] A man finds an armless and legless girl crying on the beach. He asks her, ""Why are you crying?"" ""In my whole life, I've never been kissed."" So, he leans down and kisses her. Then as he's walking away, he hears her crying even more. ""Why are you still crying?"" the man asks. ""In my whole life, i've never been fucked."" He picks her up and throws her into the ocean. ""Well, you're fucked now."" " +39134,3,"A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ... A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum. Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*" +39135,0,People who think they know everything Bug those of us who do +39136,0,"What's the difference between r/funny and r/jokes? r/funny is sometimes unfunny, but r/jokes is always a joke. " +39137,0,Your Mum's so fat She's a waist of time +39138,0,Why did the mint close down? There's no money in it anymore. +39139,1,"There's one thing I can always count on in my life, And it's my hand. " +39140,0,A fortune teller told me I'm getting a girlfriend next year. Foresight was 2020 +39141,4,Why does Santa come down the chimney? Mrs. clause told him he’d never be allowed to come in the back Door. +39142,1,"A Jewish man is walking down the street, One day, a Jew is walking down the street, he bumps into a sign, shakes his head and looks up and notices, it's a large billboard with a photo of Hitler. Anger fills his thoughts, he suddenly cleans out his throat and nose and spits it all over the face of Hitler. Suddenly a near by Lebanese man appears, he asks the Jewish man, ""sir, how come you spit on that bilbaord?"" The Jew replied, ""because that mother fucker killed 6 million of my people. The Lebanese man then looks at the billboard, spits on it 5 times worse than the Jewish man. The Jewish man asks, ""why did you do that? "" ""because that mother fucker didn't finish you guys off!"" said the Lebanese man." +39143,0,"The boyfriend answers to his girlfriend with an attitude. Boyfriend: I was calling you, and you were busy for 30 minutes. Whom were you talking to? Girlfriend: A friend of mine from college. He got his job two months ago, and recently he bought a new car and he looks handsome. Boyfriend: What was the topic? Girlfriend: In college days he used to like me but never said. So now he wants to go on a date with me. Boyfriend: Wtf!!! are you serious?? Girlfriend: Don't be jealous. Boyfriend: Maybe he has a new car or maybe he looks handsome. But I am the one who is your boyfriend and I am the one who fucked you last night. So I think he should be jealous of me. (girlfriend shocked)" +39144,0,I count in Base-10 all the time 24/7/365 +39145,1,How do you get a horse out of jail Hay bail +39146,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. +39147,1,What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis. +39148,0,A group of countries were going to buy Donald Trump Pink Floyd's entire discography... but they didn't because Mexico wouldn't pay for The Wall. +39149,3,"So when are we going to kill Caesar? At two, Brutus." +39150,0,"Everybody loves food... Food is great. Doesnt matter your religion, everyone loves food. Even anorexics......... They just hate themselves more." +39151,0,Half of men in America watch porn everyday. The other half are liars. +39152,2,"A weird Ass French Party! So, a french guy decides that he's going to have a themed masquerade party and everyone has to come dressed as an ""emotion"". The night of the party comes and he hears a knock at the door... Host: Bonjour Pierre! You are all dressed in green. What emotion could you be? Pierre: I am green with envy! Host: Oh, very good! Welcome! So he hears another knock at the door... Host: Bonjour Paulette! You are all dressed in red! What emotion could you be? Paulette: I am red with fury! Host: Oh, very good, come on in! 15 minutes later, he hears another knock at the door... Host: Bonjour Jacques! You are all naked with a pear on your penis! What emotion could you possibly be? Jacques: I am fucking in despair! Host: Oh, very good...Welcum!" +39153,0,"Game Respect Game My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”" +39154,0,How many blacks does it take to unscrew a light bulb? 2 One to steal it and the other to drive the get-away car +39155,0,"Are You A Monk Yet? There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived. Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there. One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. ""Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"" ""I'm sorry,"" replied the head monk, ""I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."" Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle. As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. ""Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"" ""I'm sorry,"" replied the head monk, ""I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."" Sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle. As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. ""Yo, Mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"" ""I'm sorry,"" replied the head monk, ""I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."" Sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar. As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious. So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door. ""Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"" ""I'm sorry,"" replied the head monk, ""I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."" Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise. That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day. The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery. He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door. ""Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!"" ""I'm sorry,"" replied the head monk, ""I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."" ""Well, then can I become a monk?"" ""Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk."" So the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk. ""Oh, Mr. Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and I would like to become a monk."" So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery. ""Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?"" asked the new monk. The head monk replied, ""The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek."" ""Take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."" Well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end. Unfortunately, there were three magical fires that never go out blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires to reach the door. The man made sure the key was secure in his hand, took a running charge at the first fire and leapt! Over the first fire he flew, but he dropped the key. The man leapt back over the fire, ran all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and back to the head monk. ""Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it."" ""Do not worry, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is far, far away in Canada."" The new monk left the monastery and travelled to Canada. It took many years because he had no money, being a monk and all. Eventually, he arrived in Canada and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start. Over the first fire went the monk, key still in hand! Over the second fire went the monk, key still- RATS! He had dropped the key in the second fire. The monk leapt back over the second fire, back over the first fire, back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. The monk went back to the head monk. ""Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it."" ""Do not worry, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is far, far away in Australia."" The monk left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took many years because he had no money being a monk and all. Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. By this time, he was quite an old monk. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start. Over the first fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand! Over the second fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand! Over the THIRD fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand! He had made it! He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself. Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question! So, Reader, do you me to tell you what is was? I'm sorry, I can't tell you. You aren't a monk." +39156,1,Where does Jesus get all his beers? Hebrews them himself +39157,1,"Andrew and John are getting into a fight in a bar... Andrew ""Man, you're such a pussy."" John ""..."" Andrew ""Did you know your mom is pretty easy?"" John ""..."" Andrew ""In fact, I think I'll go and do her right now."" John ""Shut up dad, you're drunk.""." +39158,3,"A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”" +39159,1,Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses dont jump. +39160,1,What do you get when you cross a disabled octopus with my wife? A five-legged slut h/t - Ricky Gervais +39161,0,"Cancer Oh, you thought this was a joke about cancer. Well let me tell you something, cancer isn't a joke!" +39162,2,Eggs in my fridge I bought 12 eggs today but there was no room for them in my fridge. Dozen fit +39163,0,What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. +39164,0,I find it hard to believe that Gary Johnson doesn't know about Aleppo... He and Sebastian Ingrosso were the best EDM duo of 2012! +39165,3,"Veni, vidi, et obliti enim veni. I came, I saw, and I forgot why I came here. " +39166,0,They say sleep is the cousin of deaf... .... or at least thats what I heard +39167,0,My doctor said I had 6 months of life... So I shot him and the judge gave me 20 years +39168,4,"I bought shoes from a drug dealer... ... don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day." +39169,1,Want to hear a funny joke? Original content in this sub +39170,2,"The story of Tym There once was a guy named Tym (Tim spelled T.Y.M.) ​ Anyways, in a casual conversation with his boss, Tym says, ""I will bet you $100 that I personally know anyone in the world, anyone you can name"" The boss, obviously did not believe this and replies with Lebron James. Tym goes, ""Oh yeah, I know Lebron, we played basketball together in high school."" So to prove it, Tym and his boss go to Lebron's house and knock on the door. Lebron opens the door, ""Tym, how have you been? I haven't seen you since highschool!"" ​ Now the boss is confused and asks Tym if he knows the president. Tym says, ""Yeah I know Donald, we played basketball together in high school"" So they go to the white house and hop the fence, SWAT teams storm the two of them and are about to tackle them to the ground when the president comes out and says, ""WAIT, what are you guys doing? That's Tym"" ​ After catching up over some covfefe, the Boss thinks hard and gives Tym a final test, ""Ok, I'm sure you don't know The Pope."" Tym goes, ""Yeah I know Francis, we played basketball together in college."" So they go to the Vatican and there is a huge crowd so Tym tells his boss, ""You stay here, I will go inside and come out onto the balcony holding hands with the Pope."" 5 minutes later, Tym walks out to the people, hand in hand with the Pope but they see another crowd forming in the middle of the audience. Tym goes over and finds that his boss has suffered a heart attack. Tym asks, ""What happened boss? I told you I knew everyone."" The boss goes, ""I saw you with the pope, but then this guy next to me said, 'who's that up there with Tym?"" ​ The story of Tym" +39171,3,"Some things you just can't explain A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ""Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?  The farmer says, ""Some things you just can't explain.""  ""So what happened that is so horrible?"" the man asked.  The farmer then decides to try an answer, ""Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.""  ""That's not so bad,what's the big deal?""  ""So what happened?"" the man asked again.  The farmer relenting, continued, ""I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.""  ""Again?""  ""So, what did you do then?"" the man asked, intrigued.  ""I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.""  ""Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.""  The farmer says, ""Some things you just can't explain.""  ""So then what else did you do?"" the man asked again.  ""Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.  Some things you just can't explain.” " +39172,5,"Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: ""where did you get that?"" He answers: ""Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!""  The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: ""Where have you been?"" Smiling he answers: ""You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"" Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood. Exited the other two ask:""Man where did you go?!""  ""Do you see that tree right there?"" ""Yes"" ""Well, I didn't"" " +39173,3,"An essay should be like a woman's skirt Long enough to cover the important parts, but short enough to keep your attention." +39174,1,"So St Peter was checking people into heaven And as he was doing so, he was assigning cars to the entrants based on the how many bad deeds they did on earth. The first man walks up and Peter asks, ""how many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The man replies, ""50 times"". Peter then assigns him a beat up 1984 Nissan pickup. The next man walks up and after Peter asks him how many times he cheated on his wife, he says 10 times. Peter assign him a 2005 Ford Taurus. The last man walks up and reveals he has never cheated on his wife, so Peter gives him a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom. Fast forward a couple of days and the guy in the old truck is driving around and comes across the guy who had the Rolls Royce. The guy in the rolls is bawling his eyes out. The Nissan guy approaches him and asks what's going on and the Rolls guy replies, ""I saw my wife. She's rising a skateboard.""" +39175,3,What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter. +39176,2,How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream. +39177,1,"A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes." +39178,1,How do sea animals communicate? With shellphones +39179,0,"A few Biology students accidentally walk into a Finance class... They get seated with utter confusion on their face since everything looks unfamiliar. At some point, the professor recognizes that these students seem to be confused and realizes they're not from his class. He tells the biology students: ""Sorry guys, this is a Finance class, what do you guys study?"" ""Biology"" ""Well, feel free to stick around and learn some Finance for a change"" said the Professor. One of the students replied ""Thanks, but we'd rather hire someone to handle our finances."" The professor replies ""Understandable, we'd rather hire someone to handle our biology""" +39180,2,"A man tried to connect to his local bar’s WiFi. “What’s the password for the WiFi?” The man asked the bartender. He replied, “Buy a beer to find out.” The man bought himself a drink and returned to the bartender again. “Now what?” The bartender shook his head. “The password is buyabeertofindout.”" +39181,0,"An overworked elf walks into a bar and orders a beer ""What have you little guys been working on lately?"" the bartender asks. ""Today we worked on a new design on a special spinning toy,"" the elf says. ""What's it called?"" the bartender asks. ""I can't tell you,"" the elf replies. ""It's a top secret."" " +39182,2,"Late Night Traffic Stop A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, ""I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."" The officer then asks, ""Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"" The man replies, ""My wife.""" +39183,7,"Hi, I'm Jane she said. ""I'm Christopher"" I replied ""but everyone calls me Dick for short"". ""How do you get Dick from Christopher?"" she asked. ""You ask nicely"" I said." +39184,2,"John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read: The Tent Pole’s Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You’re Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read: I’m Sure That Your Pole’s The Best In The Land. But I’m Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!" +39185,1,"My wife told me ""You see? Sex is better on holidays!"" That wasn't a nice postcard to receive. *Credit to comedian Joe Bor" +39186,1,What do Introverts do when they mess up a joke? Introvise . +39187,2,"Many people who appear ""cool"" actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all." +39188,6,"Don't Stop A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”" +39189,2,How is sex on a boat like Budweiser? They’re both fucking close to water. +39190,5,"Jesus, Moses and a very old guy. Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first  hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one  to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right  for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split  down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finnally stopped  about 5 ft from the hole.  Jesus looked at Moses and said ""Good shot Moses.""  Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was  also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very  wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball  finnally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.  Moses looked at Jesus and said ""Good shot Jesus.""  Finnally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old  man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gofer  picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and  grabs the gofer and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning  strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gofer, the gofer hits the ground, the  ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.  Moses grumbles to Jesus saying ""I hate playing golf with your dad""" +39191,2,What is a pirates favorite letter? A letter of marque +39192,2,What do you call two crows flying together? An attempted murder. +39193,0,"A well dressed rich looking man walked into a bar Immediately after sitting down a woman walked over to him, kneeled in front of him and started crying, telling a sob story about a sick kid. He gave her a thousand dollars and she walked away thanking him profusely. A guy walked over to him immediately after she left, kneeled, and started crying and talking about his rent and eviction notice. He got a thousand dollars and walked away. I decided to try my luck. I walked over to the man and kneeled and started crying when someone touched my shoulder from behind. 'Sir, you are interrupting our movie shoot' " +39194,2,I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly. I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011! +39195,2,Why did the fish not get accepted into college? His grades were below sea level +39196,0,Why did Tim Cook fire an unpaid intern lately? His name was Jack +39197,1,"You must be single... A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ""You must be single."" The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ""Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"" The drunk replied, ""'Cuz you're ugly.""" +39198,0,"Animal Parents Ok so this joke is supposed to be satirical and thought provoking: it also isn't fully formed, so I wanted to see if you guys wanted to clean it up or add to it: A white guy is talking to a black guy at a party. He says: All of this current racism shit is bullshit, man! Like, I get it. I understand. My cat is black!" +39199,1,"Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion? No sun." +39200,0,What do you call a chickpea that plays softball? A lesbean +39201,5,Dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it. +39202,3,"What do you get when you cross king Midas, Medusa and Sigmund Freud? One stone gold motherfucker." +39203,1,"What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim..." +39204,2,"When did Hitler decide it was time to Commit Suicide? He expected to pay the price, but when that final gas bill came in, he said fuck this. " +39205,4,"My family might be racist When I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife yelled at me." +39206,0,"A paper bag walks into the doctors. He says to the doctor ""im not feeling great doc"" so they run some blood tests and he comes back and the doctor looks concerned. ""It appears Mr Bag that you are HIV positive"" he says. The bag goes ""Wait how is that possible im a bag""?"" The doctor then asks ""Have you been sharing needles with drug addicts or having unprotected sex?"" The bag goes ""Of course not im a paper bag"" The doctor says ""There is only 1 explaination then"" ""What?"" Says the bag ""You're mum must have been a carrier""" +39207,2,My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one. +39208,1,"A neutron walks into a bar and inquires how much a drink costs. The bartender replies, ""For you? No charge.""" +39209,2,"If you're ever having trouble with Chemistry, just remember... Bleach is a solution" +39210,0,Wanna here a joke? 2016 +39211,3,"Amen During  Sermon at a Sunday service , the Pastor  said: ""If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river"". And the congregation  cried, ""Amen! "" ""And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river"". And the congregation cried: ""Amen!"" ""And if I had all the Whiskey and Rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river"". Again the congregation cried:  ""Amen!""... The Pastor  sat down. The Junior  Pastor then stood up and said: ""For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing,  ""We shall drink from the river"". The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*" +39212,0,"What's the difference between 37 baby corpses and a car? I don't have a car in my garage. (Don't take this seriously, just a joke passing through!)" +39213,4,"You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams! I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later. --RIP Mitch Hedberg" +39214,2,what do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis? Fucks Funny +39215,0,What concert costs 45 cents? A concert that costs 45 cents. +39216,3,I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me I guess I'm a cycle path +39217,2,"My back is killing me A man walks into a doctors office and says ""my back is killing me""; the doctor asks him why is that. He says: i just came back from work when i saw my wife laying naked on our bed and there was some guy franticaly putting his shirt on in the middle of the street, so i picked up the fridge and tossed it on him from my balcony, but the fridge was very heavy and i hurt my back in the process. The docter gave him some painkillers and he went out. Ten minutes later another man came in and said ""doctor, please help! My head is killing me"" The doctor asked him why. ""I was very late for work so i ran out my front door while trying to button my shirt when a refrigerator fell on me from the sky. Ten minutes later another man came in and said ""my everywhere is killing me"" the doctor asked him why, he said ""well, something happened and i was trying to hide in a refrigerator but some asshole decided it was a good idea to throw it down the fourth floor balcony. I wrote this on mobile so please infrom me if you see grammer/spelling errors" +39218,0,*Knock Knock* Come in.... +39219,4,What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso hahaha fuck you all +39220,0,"What's the difference between Dylann Roof and San Diego? One just got charged, and the other just got uncharged." +39221,0,What’s a librarian’s favorite movie A Quiet Plac- +39222,5,What's Irish and stays out on your deck? Paddy O'furniture +39223,0,My friend tried to get me with bird puns today... I told him toucan play that game. +39224,1,What has small balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine +39225,2,"'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.' " +39226,0,"If you ever find yourself trapped in a room where the walls are covered in big floppy dicks, DON'T PANIC. Just give each one a tug and see what happens. One of them is bound to be the doorknob." +39227,1,How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It’s not hard. +39228,4,I never realized how technologically advanced Moses was... But today I learned that he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud. +39229,0,Oldie but goodie What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm +39230,0,I used to hate Stockholm Syndrome. But now it's kind of growing on me. +39231,1,"A mexican, a chinese guy and an american are all in a desert... The mexican has a giant leaf, the chinese guy has a hat and the american has a car door. The mexican says he likes to fan himself when it gets hot. The chinese guy says he likes to wear his hat. And the american finally says that he likes to roll down the window. ​ (sorry for my shitty grammar) " +39232,0,I was disqualified from the long jump for arguing to much with the ref that my jump had been wrongfully ruled to be a foul. He said I'd crossed a line. +39233,3,"A burglar sneaks into a house one night... As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say ""Jesus is watching you"". Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says ""Yes"". Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies ""Moses"". The burglar is surprised, and asks ""What kind of people names their parrot Moses?"" The parrot looks at the pair of glowing eyes behind the robber and says, ""The same kind of people who names their pitbull Jesus."" P.s. Sorry for sucky English." +39234,2,"A perfectionist walked into a bar... apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough." +39235,1,How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them. +39236,0,What kind of fish takes what it wants and doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks? A Sailfish. +39237,3,My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body. +39238,0,What does a car say when it gets scared? Jeepers! +39239,3,In the weeks leading up to my grandfathers death he had to use a wheelchair. After that he went downhill very quickly. +39240,0,Knock knock Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET. +39241,1,What nationality was the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland? He was Russian! +39242,0,What did the overworked number one fan say to his idol? I'm so nervous I'm hyper ventilating +39243,1,What do you call a digital tree? All bark and no byte +39244,0,"Hillary, Donald and Bernie all die and get sent to the Pearly Gates.... ...upon their arrival Bernie immediately exclaims to St. Peter ""I'm with her!"". Donald proceeds into Heaven. #THE END" +39245,0,How to finish a race on time? Advise credits: mein kampf +39246,3,When life gives you melons.... you might be dyslexic. +39247,7,"On his 74th birthday an old man received a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ""This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'."" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."" The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, ""How do I stop the medicine from working?"" ""Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"" the medicine man responded, ""but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."" The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, ""1-2-3!"" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked ""What was the 1-2-3 for?"" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.ʘ‿ʘ" +39248,2,April showers bring May flowers Mayflowers bring Small Pox. +39249,0,"The priest is actually innocent Jesus was the one,who turned water inside him into a wine" +39250,3,"A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located. “I’m not sure,” the student answers, “we switched cable companies last month.”" +39251,1,What do Winnie the Pooh John the Baptist have in common? The same middle name +39252,3,"What’s the difference between a man and a woman? Well, there’s a vas deferens. " +39253,2,"A wife is like a hand grenade... ...take off the ring, and you lose the house." +39254,6,Physicists are the only scientists that matter But mathematicians are the only ones who count Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes! Edit 2: #10! +39255,1,I made a jam bands playlist on Spotify It's 16 hours long and only has 5 songs on it +39256,0,DONALD TRUMP RESIGNS!!! Claims he just couldn't hack it. +39257,4,"Because Soviet jokes are on-trend... The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they conclude the rabbit doesn't exist. The FBI burns down the forest along with the rabbit, and declare that it cannot be helped. When it's KGB's turn, they go into the forest and after 2 hours they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ""OK! OK! I give up! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!""" +39258,4,"Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife. I shouted SUPER SEX!!!! She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?" +39259,0,Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers. +39260,0,Last week the Black Eyed Peas had to give a sworn testimony in court. It was a fergalicious deposition +39261,0,"Awesome career. I was chatting with a buddy of mine who I haven't seen in a while. I asked what he was doing for a living and he said he films animals mating. I said ""oh you document the mating cycles of animals"". He said ""no I'm an animal porn director"". "" yesterday we just finished one called ""lioness eats baby elephant and gets banged by a lion and a elephant"". ""It's huge in Africa"" " +39262,1,Why does poop taper off at the end? So your butthole doesn’t slam shut +39263,0,"There was a pile of play dough. One piece of the dough, named Brett, was cut out into a triangle. However, he wanted to be a circle. So, he tried to do circle things. He tried to roll down a hill, but his points get stuck in the ground. He tries to be the bearing in a fan blade, but the blades get stuck. Then, Brett tries to be tires for a car. The car crashes and someone breaks their arm. As police squares are taking him away to jail, one says, “That’s too bad. I guess he wasn’t cut out to be a circle.”" +39264,0,What did the dead battery say when it found out it was dead? Are you positive? +39265,0,Just got back from my positive attitude class. It was shit. +39266,2,"My wife was out so I thought I would have a crafty wank. she came back and caught me by suprise so I jumped out of bed to hide and ran straight into the wall, you never fully understand the phrase ''adding insult to injury'' untill you run at a wall with a hard on and break your nose first." +39267,2,The French are the toughest people in the world They all eat pain for breakfast. +39268,0,"What did the duck said to the goose? ""Geese""" +39269,0,"What's brown, smells bad, and sounds like a bell? ... ... DUNG!" +39270,3,I went round MC Hammer's house the other day. It was rubbish!! He wouldn't let me touch anything. +39271,0,"A guy is sitting at the doctor's office... The doctor walks in and says, 'I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.' 'I don't understand, doc,' the patient says. 'Why?' 'Because,' the doctor says. 'I'm trying to examine you.'" +39272,0,"Every province in China has its own, unique foods. Panda Chinese Kitchen comes from the Heatlamp province." +39273,0,"An infectious disease walks into a bar. Barman says, “we don't serve your type here”. Infectious disease replies, “well, you are not a very good host.”" +39274,0,Wanna hear a clean joke? Gary took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was his uncle! +39275,1,What do Phil Collins and God have in common? They were both introduced in Genesis and have watched people drown without intervening. +39276,4,How do you insult an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from. +39277,1,What is the weapon of choice for straight-edge terrorists? A Molotov Mocktail +39278,2,If you ever feel like your life is without purpose Just know there’s a guy at the BMW factory who installs turn signals +39279,0,I hate it when people fish for compliments on facebook I hate it almost as much as i hate how ugly I am. +39280,0,My most prized possession is a genuine traditional coffee pot hand crafted in an artisanal workshop on the slopes of a Mexican volcano. It’s a proper Popocatepetl kettle. +39281,0,Finally a post that isn't about the EU.. So how about those Yankees? +39282,0,My father is fighting for his life in hospital... This wouldn't be happening if it weren't for his two addictions - gambling and boxing. +39283,4,"Little Johnny's class assignment The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: ""I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"" she said proudly, ""My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."" ""Very good,"" said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: ""I sold magazines,"" she said, ""I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."" ""Very good, Jenny,"" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. ""$2,467,"" he said. ""$2,467!"" cried the teacher, ""What in the world were you selling?"" ""Toothbrushes,"" said Little Johnny. ""Toothbrushes,"" echoed the teacher, ""How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"" ""I found the busiest corner in town,"" said Little Johnny, ""I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, ""Hey, this tastes like shit!"" Then I would say, ""It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?""" +39284,0,"It’s called foetus because the toes grow first. Not a good joke, but it made my housemate leave. Use the power how you wish." +39285,2,"A gynecologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town. After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake on the marking of his grading paper and enquires with the teacher. He says ""Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake."" The teacher replies ""It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!""" +39286,2,"Three men are captured by a tribe whilst adventuring The tribe chief says to the three men; Bob, Dave and Jim that if they wish to live beyond the day they must go back into the jungle and return with 10 pieces of the same fruit otherwise they'll be skinned and turned into canoes for the tribe. So off they go. Bob returns first with 10 plums. The tribe chief says, ""well done Bob, but that's not all I demand. Now, you must insert all 10 pieces of fruit up your ass without flinching/reacting, otherwise you die."" Bob tries to argue but proceeds to attempt the task handed down to him. He manages to insert 4 plums inside his anus, but cannot muster anymore and let's out an audible gasp and thus the tribe chief slits Bob's throat and tells one of the villagers to make a canoe with Bob's skin. Dave is the second to return. As he arrives at the village he notices the canoe that was once his friend Bob, and asks the chief what happened. The chief replies, ""Bob could not complete the task and so he was killed and made into something useful for the village. You will meet the same fate as him if you too cannot complete the task of inserting 10 pieces of fruit inside your ass hole without flinching or making any noise. So, what fruit did you manage to find?"" Dave then pulls out a bunch of grapes and with a smug smile on his face, begins to insert them one by one into his anus. Now the tribe chief is angry as fuck because he wasn't expecting such a small fruit. Dave is up to his 9th grape and they're sliding up there now like a buttered finger. Just as Dave is about to insert his 10th grape and win his freedom, he bursts out laughing. The tribe chief looks at Dave dumbfounded. ""Why did you laugh?! You were surely free as those grapes were sliding in with ease."" Dave looks up with tears in his eyes from the laughter and says, ""I'm sorry chief, but I just saw Him returning with 10 pineapples!""" +39287,1,"Can anyone help me with my Easter crossword puzzle? 2 across ""where they nailed Jesus""?" +39288,1,"A man goes to a French market He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man behind the counter, ""What sort of selection of fish do you have?"" The deli man, who's English is subpar, replies, ""Monsuir, we have everything from fresh mackerel, cod, salmon, tuna, and everything in between. However, be warned some of ze fish contain mercury and a few even have trace amounts of pesticides."" The man is shocked by the deli man's honesty and candor. He finally decides to buy a fish anyways, trusting the deli man. The deli man is pleased and tells the man, ""Well please monsuir, pick your poisson.""" +39289,2,What makes Hitler and Jake Paul different Hitler knew when to kill himself +39290,0,Why shouldn't you ask Yoda for money? He's always short +39291,0,"Once a cow said to the other, “What do you think of this mad cow disease?” She replied, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter.”" +39292,5,"It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side,my roommate sleeps on his back,my ex sleeps with everybody.That sort of thing" +39293,0,Medication mix-up. Went to the doctor about my haemorrhoids and halitosis. There must have been a mix up with the medication because now my farts smell great but my uvula has gone. +39294,2,What's worse than waking up to a dick drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. +39295,3,"There once was a farmer... There once was a farmer who was very overprotective of his three daughters. Turned out that all of his daughters had dates that same night. So he went on to the porch with his shotgun and waited for the dates to come. The first boy came and said, ""*Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here for Betty to go out for spaghetti. Is she ready?*"" The farmer thought he was decent and let him go with his daughter. The second boy came and said, ""*Hello, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo to go see a show. Is she ready to go?*"" The farmer thought he was decent as well and let them go on their date. The last boy came and said, ""*Hi, I'm Chuck-*"" *BANG!* " +39296,4,Jesus loves you... A wonderful thing to hear in church. In a Mexican prison...not so much. +39297,5,"I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion. Apparently, ""extremely large ones"" wasn’t an acceptable answer." +39298,0,"My girlfriend has the weirdest way of ending the conversation with me... She always says, ""I wanted to tell you something.."" and I take my cue to leave. ​" +39299,1,"Paddy and Mick are walking down the street There's an open manhole which Mick falls down. Paddy runs to the edge and shouts down ""Paddy are you ok? What should I do?"" Mick shouts back, ""Call me a fucking ambulance!"" To which Paddy shouts, ""Mick, you're a fucking ambulance!""" +39300,1,NSFW: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a woman's track team? One is a cunning bunch of runts... +39301,4,"A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender looks up and shouts at him, ""Hey, where the fuck are you going with my bar stool?!""" +39302,1,"A son asks his father A son asks his father, ""Dad, how is Burt's Bees chapstick made?"" The father looks at him and says, ""Well son, let me tell you a story about the Burts and the Bees.""" +39303,0,"Three brunettes and a redhead walk in to a bar. A guy at the bar says ""Hey, what's going on?"" " +39304,1,Did you hear about the Rabbi that ran for political office? He ran a schmear campaign. +39305,2,I'm no longer going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm trying to quit cold turkey +39306,1,"Hey man, can you name the denonym for the people living on a French island in the Mediterranean? Corsican!" +39307,4,"A man was accused of beating his wife to death... [long] A man is in court. Judge: ""You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."" Man: ""She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."" Judge: ""That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason."" Man: Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a growth deficiency. So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees. So I say: You mean pygmy. ""No"", says my wife. Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles. ""That's pigment"", I say. So she says ""No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on."" I sigh and say: ""No, that's parchment!"". ""No"", says she, ""parchment is an unfinished sentence"". ""Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the 'fragment', I got back to my armchair and my newspaper. But then suddenly she's back with a book, and she says: ""Honey, check out this weird sentence, it says: 'The sun roof of the purse was the teacher of pimp fifteen"". I take the book and say, ""but honey, this is in French. It says 'La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Lois XV.' It means 'The marquise of Pompadour was the lover of Louis the 15th'"" ""No!"", says my wife, ""you have to translate it literally:"" La Marquise - the sunroof. Pompadour - the purse. La Maitresse - the teacher, Louis XV - pimp 15. I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons. I say: ""You mean a lector"". ""No"", says my wife, ""Lector was an ancient Greek hero."" I say: ""That was Hector, and he was a Trojan."" ""Nope"", says she, ""Hector is a measure of area."" ""That'd be hectare"" ""No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!"" ""That'd be nectar"". ""No"", says she, ""the Nectar is a river in southern Germany."" So I say: ""That's the Neckar."" She says: ""No, I must know, there's even a song about it. I recently sung it in a duo with my friend"" I say: ""It's a duet"" She replies, ""No, that's when two men are fighting with a saber."" ""That's a duel"", I say. ""No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!"" Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death... There was a long silence, shocked faces. Finally the judge says: Not guilty. I would have killed her at ""Hector""." +39308,0,What would I be if I doubled myself? Meme +39309,1,What did the mummy study in school? Cryptography. +39310,3,"If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them." +39311,2,Why can't Latinos play Uno? They take all the greencards. +39312,5,[NSFW] Allah is probably the true god. Because the universe started with an explosion. +39313,0,To try change my friends mind about puns I told him one a day for 10 days to try and get him to laugh But no pun in ten did. +39314,1,Why are the_donald users not cucks? First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with. +39315,1,why did logan paul not high five ricecum Because he likes to leave asians hanging +39316,0,How do you stop your water from running? Stop paying the bill. +39317,0,How do they make whine? By fermenting gripes. +39318,5,My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground. +39319,4,"Why dogs are better than women. 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ""If I died, would you get another dog?"" 9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. " +39320,0,"Say ""no"" to Trump this November. Even though that's probably never stopped him before. " +39321,3,I told a girl I'm a binary programmer with a multi million salary the other day And pulled out the stacks of 64 dollars to prove it +39322,4,"One evening a father overheard his daughter saying her prayers, ""God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."" Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his daughter saying prayers again: ""God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."" The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his daughter's prayers. ""God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."" This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. ""I am sorry, honey. I had a very bad day at work today."" ""You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?"" the wife yelled. ""The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!""" +39323,2,How do you circumcise a hillbilly You kick his sister in the jaw +39324,2,"A Meteorologist working with the National Weather Service goes to his boss... He says, “Boss, I need a transfer out of Florida. Please send me anywhere but Florida.” The boss says, “Well, why’s that Bill? What’s wrong with Florida?” The meteorologist says, “The weather in Florida just doesn’t agree with me.”" +39325,0,Nobody: No one: Not a single soul: +39326,2,"A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ""why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"". ""We can't chew them because we've no teeth"", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, ""Why do you buy them then?"" The old lady replied, ""We just love the chocolate around them.""" +39327,0,Why are the waiters at cannibal restaurants so highly respected? Because they serve humanity. +39328,3,R Kelly taking the art out of rap artist +39329,6,"Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad. Me : ""Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual."" Dad : ""And that means you would have a male partner."" Me : ""Yeah."" Dad : ""Or a female partner."" Me : ""Yeah."" Dad : ""So... That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?"" ME : ME : ME : ME : ""Son of a b...""" +39330,2,Why do walruses just love a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. +39331,0,"The prostate exam The day before his prostate exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. There didn't seem to be any side-effects, so he sort of casually forgot about it. On the day of his exam, he undresses and bends over. Dr. takes a look, sees the eye and says ""Sir, you're really gonna have to just trust me.""." +39332,2,What does Will Byers and Will Smith have in common? Both their lives got flipped upside down +39333,0,"My 101 year old grandpa told me this joke. I forget it, but that's all it takes to get an upvote right?" +39334,0,Say what you will about Amazon's new organ-harvesting drones... but they always deliver +39335,4,"Little Johnny asks, ""Mommy, where do babies come from?"" His mother replies, ""The stork brings them."" Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”" +39336,1,"A man asked a woman to send him nudes “Ew, you creep. Go fuck yourself.” She said “Well that’s what I’m trying to do!” Replied the man" +39337,2,What's the most observant reptile? An investi-gator +39338,0,"One foggy winter night Jason walks into a bar Then a tree, and then into a manhole" +39339,0,How many Mexicans does it take to fit a lightbulb Juan +39340,1,During sex my mom always starts getting violent with my dad... You'd think he'd know to lock my bedroom door by now. +39341,3,If I had a dollar for every time someone calls me a racist I'd have $0.60. +39342,2,"When you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is... A Doctor's appointment." +39343,0,My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the earth to prove it's flat. In the end he came around. +39344,1,"The dwarf This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He said, ""I'm not happy."" I said, ""Well, which one are you then?""" +39345,3,"A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce... A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he’d ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’ The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’ ‘Canada, sir,’ the boy replied. ‘Well, why did you leave Canada?’ the manager asked. The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.’ ‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Canada.’ ‘No shit?’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?’" +39346,0,Why do most men not like aspirin? Because it's a cox blocker +39347,3,"My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well I was amazed, i never knew they worked." +39348,0,What is the most popular truck in Norway? The Fjord F-150 +39349,9,A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. +39350,2,"My neighbors are anti-vax and all summer I heard their kids playing in their pool: ""Marco!"" ""Polio!""" +39351,0,What do you call people who like card magic? Deckheads +39352,0,"My Gf's ponytail always comes undone when we're together Oh well, I guess it just comes with the *hairritory*." +39353,0,One arrow three strikes. A man was walking through the streets. he saw there was a shop. he bought a box of candies and steal one more box of candies and ran away. shopkeeper got angry and beat him with another box of candies. and the man got three boxes. hahaha +39354,2,What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it +39355,3,"A policeman stopped me A policeman stopped me and asked for my license. He says ""it says here that you should be wearing glasses."" I said  ""Well, I have contacts."" The policeman replied ""I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!""" +39356,1,What do priests and McDonalds have in common? They both stick their meat in 12 year old buns. +39357,0,What’s the most confusing day in the ghetto? Today!!! +39358,0,"What do you call a chav in a suit? ""The defendant.""" +39359,0,What do you call Ed Sheeran when he gets hit by car? Dead Sheeran. +39360,0,What do you call a reddish guy in a very blue basement? A blueberry radish +39361,6,"Why can't I date? I kid wen't to his father and asked, ""Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"" Father: ""That's great son. Who is it?"" Son: ""It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."" Father: ""Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."" The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ... Son: ""Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"" Father: ""That's great son. Who is it?"" Son: ""It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."" Father: ""Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your"" sister. This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. ""Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: ""My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"" " +39362,1,"At the supermarket... I asked a lady if I could touch her hair, she said yes, so I put my hand above her upper lip, and that's how the fight started" +39363,0,What happens when you don’t brush your anus? You get an anal cavity! +39364,2,"A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral... A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral. As it was being lowered, a voice from inside screams ""I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out."" The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters ""sorry mate, it's too late. I've already done the paperwork.""" +39365,0,Wanna Hear a joke? ***insert bad joke*** ~~sorry idk how to make a joke~~ +39366,0,"Repost #637 A guy was in a new workplace and wanted to become acquainted with his new workmates. On his lunch break he saw them all hanging out by the water cooler so he went to join them in their conversation. He stood in the circle and listened for a while and tried to get context of the conversation so he could join in. But their conversation was so bizarre that he couldn't understand what was going on. Someone would say a number, usually between 3-4 digits long, and everyone would laugh. Then another person would say another number and everyone would laugh again. It went on like this for about ten minutes before he asked someone what was happening. ""Oh we're telling jokes"" he replied. ""But we've all heard them all already so many times that there's no point telling the whole joke, we just say the number and we all remember which joke that number refers to"". He then said to the group ""oh hey guys, #348!!"" And everyone roared in hysterics. The new guy thought this was bizarre but really wanted to get to know everyone and make friends so he tried to join in. He picked a number at random and said it to the group, ""what about #289!"" Everybody groaned and rolled their eyes. The new guy was confused and didn't understand why they didn't laugh so he asked the other guy why they didn't like the joke. ""Did I pick a bad number?"" he asked. ""No that joke is okay"" came the reply. ""But you didn't tell it very well""." +39367,1,Why did the man go into the pizza business? He wanted to make some dough. +39368,1,Confucius day.... Man who farts in church sits in own pew. +39369,1,"Do you know the new type of knock knock joke that starts with 'no me neither'? ""No."" ""Me neither.""" +39370,1,"I lost both of my parents on 9/11... I found them later back at the house, but it was a harrowing 20 minutes." +39371,0,"A Arab son asks his father S:Why do we wear the shimaghs? D: to keep the sun of our heads. S: and why do we wear thowbs? D: to keep the sand out of our clothes. S: and why do we wear Sandler? D: to stop our feet from getting hurt by rocks. S: THEN WHY ARE WE LIVING IN GERMANY? D: *leans in close to son and wispers* the camel toe my son, the camel toe. Was taken from a joke earlier today and ‘improved’ it a bit" +39372,0,How do you know the Toronto Maple Leafs are virgins? Because they have a “Hyman” +39373,2,"Two old men finally retire... They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in all the best bars their town had to offer. Finally they decide to cap their night off with a trip to their local brothel. They approach the brothel stumbling through the front doors up to the concierge at the front desk. ""Two of your finest broads please!"" the one exclaims!! The concierge notices the state of the two men and instructs his lackey to just put 2 blow up dolls in their room, *They wouldn't know the difference..* The two men proceed upstairs and have their way with the two blow up dolls. On their walk home they start discussing their evening with their two lovely ladies... ""You know, I think my girl was dead..."" One exclaims. ""DEAD???"" the other reacts in shock. ""Yeah, she just kind of laid there and took it..."" ""You know, that makes me think that mine was a **witch**."" the other replies ""A WITCH, what makes you say that?"" ""Well while I was loving her, you know I gave her a bite on the neck and she farted and flew out of the window""" +39374,1,"Johnny wasn't picked up after school.. And the teacher decided to take him home until his mom shows up. It's late and the teacher made him dinner. Johnny: can i eat in front of TV? My mom always lets me do that. Teacher: sure honey. Couple of hours later his mother still didn't show up and the teacher puts Johnny to bed. Johnny: I'm scared, can i sleep in one bed with you? My mom always lets me do that. Teacher: sure honey. Johnny: it's too hot under the blanket, can i take my clothes off? My mom always lets me do that. Teacher: sure honey. Johnny: I can fall asleep, can i put my finger in your belly button? My mom always lets me do that. Teacher: hmm... Sure honey. Teacher: Johnny, Johnny!!! That's... That's not... My... Belly... Belly button!!! Johnny: that's not my finger either!" +39375,2,My girlfriend broke up with me for making too many Linkin Park references. It pushed me One Step Closer to the Edge. +39376,0,"A man walks into a bar with his dog . . . . . . and the bartender says ""You can't bring a dog in here!"" The man says ""It's my seeing eye dog"". The bartender apologizes profusely and gives the man his drink on the house. A second man enters the bar with his dog and the first man calls to him: ""Pssst, buddy. You can't bring a dog in here unless you say it's your seeing eye dog"". The second man thanks him for the tip, goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says ""You can't bring a dog in here!"" The man says ""It's my seeing eye dog"". The bartender says ""I don't think so, they don't give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs"". The man says ""WHAT?! They gave me a Chihuahua?""" +39377,1,What do you call it when a socialist teacher can't control his students Class struggle +39378,2,How do you milk sheep? With iPhones +39379,0,"Hitler did nothing wrong. He said he wanted a glass of juice! Not gas the Jews! Anne Frankly, he did Nazi that coming!" +39380,1,How do you fight a midget? On your knees. +39381,1,"A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. ""Correct,"" said the chief. ""How did you figure it out?"" The warrior answered, ""It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.""" +39382,0,Did you hear of the rebooted version of “My Cousin Vinny” with an all black cast? It’ll be called “My Cousin Vinegar” +39383,3,"Remember when Pop Rocks used to be popular? Sad, they kind of fizzled out. " +39384,0,"Death of a friend Hey, you guys going to the funeral on Saturday? Oh no who died? No one died but Johnny is getting married though" +39385,1,Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses. So says the most recent Gallop Poll. +39386,0,How is a massage and a fairytale similar They both usually end in a happy ending +39387,1,"After years of hard work, I finally taught myself 10 different languages. English and Binary." +39388,3,Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind. I better not spread it. +39389,2,Being a Male porn star is hard... ...there's a lot of stiff competition. +39390,0,"The Caged Gorilla A family was shipwrecked after their sightseeing boat got caught in a storm. A mother, father, son and grandfather washed up on a deserted island. They had seen enough episodes of The Swiss Family Robinson to know they had to prepare for a new life without being rescued. They made do with what they had and lived relatively comfortably. After a few years the grandfather would leave each night after dinner and go for a walk on the beach. As the grandson grew older he got very curious about where his grandfather would go every night. One night he decided to follow his grandfather. As the grandfather walked down the beach the boy was trailing behind and saw his grandfather turn into the jungle. The boy followed into the jungle. In the middle of the jungle was a river that the grandfather began to cross. The boy stayed behind and began to cross the river after his grandfather was out of the water. On the other side of the river was a mountain that the grandfather was hiking up. In the side of the mountain was a steel door. The boy exited the river and hiked up the mountain behind his grandfather. As he got to the steel door it shut behind his grandfather. He tried to open the door but it was locked. The boy went back down the mountain, across the river, through the jungle, and down the beach to the hut. Lying in bed the boy thought to himself, “Tomorrow I will stay a little closer and catch the steel door before it closes.” The next day the boy finished supper and followed his grandfather down the beach, through the jungle, across the river, up the mountain, and just as the steel door was closing the boy caught it and went through. As he stepped through the door the boy couldn’t believe what he saw, a cement door being slammed shut. The boy walked over to the cement door and tried to open it, but it was locked. The boy went back through the steel door, down the mountain, across the river, through the jungle, and back down the beach to the hut. Lying in bed the boy thought to himself, “Tomorrow I will stay a little closer and catch the cement door before it closes.” The next day the boy finished supper and followed his grandfather down the beach, through the jungle, across the river, up the mountain, and just as the steel door was closing the boy caught it and went through. He rushed and caught the cement door before it closed. Just as he walked through he saw a wooden door closing behind his grandfather. Sure enough, the wooden door was locked. The boy went back through the cement door, through the steel door, down the mountain, across the river, through the jungle, and back down the beach to the hut. Lying in bed the boy thought to himself, “Tomorrow I will stay a little closer and catch the wooden door before it closes.” The next day the boy finished supper and followed his grandfather down the beach, through the jungle, across the river, up the mountain, and just as the steel door was closing the boy caught it and went through. He rushed and caught the cement door before it closed. He rushed and caught the wooden door before it close. As he walked through he was his grandfather with a pitch fork. He was feeding pieces of meat to giant caged gorilla. The boy gasped and his grandfather heard him and turned. The grandfather said, “It looks like you have found my secret. I found this gorilla after a few years on the island and made a commitment to keep him caged and feed him.” The boy just nodded his head and listened. The grandfather went on to say, “One day I will be gone and you will have to keep up this responsibility. All you need to do is come once a day and feed him. The only rule is that you must NEVER touch him.” The boy said, “Why grandpa?” “It is just the rule, never touch the gorilla. Promise me you will never touch the gorilla” said the grandfather. The boy promised. The boy then accompanied his grandfather every day to feed the gorilla. After a few years the grandfather died and the boy took over the feeding. One day while the gorilla is eating, he had his back to the boy. The boy put his hand through the cage and just as he is about to touch the gorilla he pulls his hand back. He says to himself “I can’t do it, I made a promise.” That night as the boy is lying in bed he says to himself, “Grandpa is dead now, if I want to touch the gorilla, I can touch the gorilla.” The next day as the gorilla is eating the boy puts his hand through the cage. He reaches in and slowly get closer to the giant animal. Finally he touches it. The gorilla stops eating and turns around. The gorilla starts jumping up and down and banging on the cage. The boy runs to the wooden door and just as he opens it he can see the gorilla bursting out of the cage. He slams the door and runs to the cement door. As he is going through he sees the gorilla turn the wooden door into splinters. He slams the door shut and runs to the steel door. As he is going through he sees the gorilla turn the cement door into ruble. He slams the door shut and runs down the mountain. From the base of the mountain he can see the gorilla burst through the steel door leaving nothing but shrapnel. The boy wades across the river and as he is getting out he sees the gorilla rumbling down the mountain and into the water. He then runs through the jungle and can hear the gorilla getting out of the water and begin to barrel through the jungle. The boy runs down the beach and as he reaches the hut he can see the gorilla emerging from the jungle. The boy has nowhere else to run and wades into the ocean. As he is about knee deep in the water he sees the gorilla in front of the hut jumping up and down. The gorilla starts to run into the water. The boy wades further out until he is neck deep. He looks back only to see the gorilla in the knee deep water. The boy goes further out until he cannot touch and is just floating. In the distance he can see the gorilla neck deep in the water. He swims out further and looks back. As he looks back he can no longer see the gorilla. He begins swimming frantically looking for the gorilla and sees nothing. All of a sudden the gorilla pops up in front of the boy. The gorilla reaches out, touches the boy and says “You’re it.”" +39391,1,"Once upon a time, there was a man so lazy he married a pregnant woman" +39392,2,"Last night my girlfriend called to tell me her pee was cloudy and it had her worrying about her health. So like a good boyfriend I took to Google to try and put her mind at ease. After reading a few articles I summed up what I found for her. “Alright babe, you either have a UTI, you are dehydrated or you have the clap.” “Ohh no, how could this happen?” “Well two of them I totally understand but why the fuck aren’t you drinking enough water?” " +39393,0,Who invented the Muslim Tesla? Islam Mosque. +39394,0,What I do when I'm blackout drunk... Is none of my fucking business!! +39395,4,Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it +39396,3,"Women are like Wine (I've submitted this one to another thread before, let's see how it goes here) A man sits in his study, a book in his hand and a full glass of inky cabernet by his side. There's a sheepish knock at the door. ""Come in,"" the man says without lifting his eyes from the page. The door creaks slowly and a young man, no more than 17 with his face long and his eyes wet and red, slips silently into the room. His sock-muffled steps are barely whispers on the wooden floor. ""Dad?"" his voice weak and unsure, ""can we talk?"" With his son standing by his side, his eyes are finally pulled from the page. The anguish in his son's voice is enough to tear him from the fictitious world where he finds comfort and respite. ""Of course,"" he says, placing his bookmark and closing the tome on his lap, ""what's wrong?"" The boy chokes back a sob and gathers his thoughts, his father waits patiently. ""Wh..."" he clears his throat, ""Why are girls so mean?"" A subtle smile contorts his father's face and a gentle nod says ""I knew this would come. Someday."" His father breathes deep and stares at the velvety ripples across his favorite drink. He reaches, and gently lifts the cup to his son. ""Have a sip."" The boy smells first, as his father does at dinner, then sips. ""Bleh!"" He exclaims, ""how do you drink that!?"" The father chuckles and accepts the cup yet again. ""Son, women are like wine."" He takes another drink, slightly more than a sip. ""Like this wine, the girls you are dating now are too young. All of their off flavors haven't had time to settle. Their brash, even obnoxious, they insist upon themselves and are unrefined. Sure, they may get you to where you want to go, but you'll wake up regretting everything and feeling sick."" The boy just nods. ""As the wine ages, all those off flavors settle down, the tannins soften and rough edges become soft and welcoming. The same wine, which would have given you a headache if enjoyed too early, makes the perfect partner for your dinner or just to be enjoyed on it's own."" ""Thanks dad, i think...."" ""But then, the wine continues to age,"" he continues cutting off the boy, ""and all of the fruit character that once defined it is lost. The flavors become flabby and the alcohol turns to vinegar. Soon, all of the inside crystallizes leaving nothing but a sour, bitter, acrid slurry that makes you want to vomit as soon as it touches your lips."" The father then downs the remainder of his wine in one loud gulp. The boys stares horrified at his father, ""When does that happen?"" ""I dunno,"" he says while pouring another glass. ""How old is your mother?"" " +39397,0,What is the Mexicans favourite game? Borderlands +39398,0,What do you call a judge who celebrates Hanukkah? A jewdiciary. +39399,6,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette... ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again." +39400,0,Im looking for something funny to say on Reddit On reddit +39401,4,"Where is my wife A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2"". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours." +39402,0,I wanted to go to school for divination... But then I realized there was no future in it +39403,3,"If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds you will have a nice warm meal Plus they could have whatever you were making in the slow cooker." +39404,0,I Broke Up With My Girlfriend Today I told her I was straight. Because there's no way I could be happy with her. +39405,2,What do you call a Sith Lord who lives in the woods? Darth Deciduous +39406,0,Sandwiches always make my pecker smell fresh I think it's because of the condom-mints. +39407,2,"Husband (feeling frisky): How about we change positions tonight? Wife: OK, you stand here and do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and fart." +39408,5,"A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” " +39409,4,"An American, a Mexican, and a Russian... ...are all sitting around drinking. The Russian, drinking a bottle of vodka, finishes it and then throws it up in the air and pulls out a gun and shoots it. The Mexican says, ""Why did you do that holmes?"" The Russian responds, ""In my country we have a lot of those."" The Mexican, drinking Tequila, finishes his bottle throws it up in the air and pulls out a gun and shoots it. The American says, ""Why did you do that?"" The Mexican responds, ""Oh, because we have a lot of those in my country."" The American, drinking a Coors Light, chugs the rest of it throws the bottle in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the Mexican. The Russian says, ""Why in the hell did you do that?!"" The American responds, ""Oh because we have a lot of those in our country.""" +39410,2,Since Volkswagen is discontinuing the beetle... Maybe my dad will stop punching me all the time. +39411,1,I was quite flexible and fast when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man. Because my uncle was murdered +39412,1,"The other day my friend was telling me I didn’t know what irony meant With my knowledge as an English major, i corrected him. Not sure what that had to do with our discussion about sarcasm" +39413,0,What's the difference between a snowman and a snowgirl? The snowgirl has snowballs. +39414,1,There are two rules for success 1. Don't reveal everything you know 2. +39415,2,What do Anti-Vax kids play in school? Marco Polio +39416,0,"A boar meets a pig The boar asks the pig : so, how's your chemo doing?" +39417,9,"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state." +39418,1,What do they call the fourth of July outside of the USA? The fourth of July +39419,3,"Want to make your computer run faster? Just paint it black, it may quit working, though. " +39420,1,I'm so good at sleeping... I can do it with my eyes closed. +39421,0,What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and vagina? Not EVERYTHING that comes out of her vagina is retarded. +39422,0,Have you heard about my foot? It's a leg-end +39423,0,"I military rookie was attempting his first parachute jump But he told his commander ""Yesterday my mother had a dream that my parachute would not work, so I would like to not participate"". ""Nonsense! This is the military,dont worry about such things, and to prove it lets swap parachutes."" The rookie fell fine, his parachute worked, but he saw his commander fall straight yelling ""FUCK YOUR MOTHEEEEEEEEE""" +39424,3,"I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes. Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance. It'll be our first gig. " +39425,3,What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in 7 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe. +39426,2,"A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, ""five beers, please.""" +39427,3,"A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.” The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.” " +39428,5,"Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke! Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. Dad: I know." +39429,0,What do Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady have in common? They both throw touchdowns for the Patriots! +39430,0,Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships? So they can Scandinavian. +39431,0,"Kevin Costner was trying to figure out how to get more visitors to his Reddit posts.... It was then, he heard a voice say ""If you Gild it, they will come""." +39432,2,Did you know... 3/2 of the world's population sucks at fractions? +39433,4,Hear about the Native American who died from drinking too much tea before bed? He drowned in his teepee. +39434,1,"My family was having trouble deciding on a vacation destination So I said Phuket, let’s just go. " +39435,5,The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave. It's full of convex. +39436,0,What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. +39437,1,"Dublin Airport The other day at Dublin Airport I got talking to a man who was waiting for his brother to fly in from New York who he hadn't seen for 45 years. I said 'When he gets off the plane will you know him?' He said 'No, I haven't seen him for 45 years, he didn't even send a photograph.' I said 'Will he know you?' He said 'Of course he'll know me, I haven't been away.'" +39438,2,"An air crash An air crash occured yesterday. A light plane, Cessna 172 has crashed into a cemetery. The authorities have dug for 20 hours. 300 dead and still counting..." +39439,0,"Mother to blind son... ""If you don't stop doing that, you're going to regain your eyesight!""" +39440,2,"100 women walk into heaven God greeted them and then said: -If you’ve ever looked at your boyfriend’s phone without his knowledge to see if he was talking to other women, take 5 steps forward Ninety-nine of the women take the five steps forward, God then says -Someone please get the deaf girl" +39441,1,"Happy New Year! Happy New Year! If I intentionally or unintentionally hurt you in any way during 2016, just know that I'm really sorry. I'm really grateful to have you in my life and just know that I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Again, Happy Rickro-umm-New Year. PS: I know it's a dead meme but so are all of us, on the inside, that is." +39442,6,Why do Communists only write in lowercase? Because they hate Capitalism. +39443,6,"My wife walked in on me Blow drying my dick and balls after a shower. What are you doing? She asked. Apparently ""heating up your dinner"" was not an appropriate response. " +39444,0,"My son saw a group of elderly folk at the senior home all reading bibles. He asked the senior home director, ""why are they all reading the bible?"" He replied: ""Cramming for their final exam.""" +39445,3,R.I.P Boiled water You will be mist... +39446,0,Jordan / Katie Price got famous for pumping her tits up. Now it's her finances that have gone tits up. +39447,2,"Yo mamma so poor I saw her kicking a can down the street. Asked her what she was doing and she said ""Movin'""" +39448,6,She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac. Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh. +39449,4,By Putting the Punchline in the Title How do you screw up a joke? +39450,0,Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er. +39451,0,"Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: ""Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."" ""Where are we then?"" ""Do you see that mountain over there?"" ""Yes."" ""Well… THAT'S where we are.""" +39452,2,How does a mathematician want to solve terrorism? He wants to simplify the radicals. +39453,3,My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall over... I told him it was his own dumb asphalt +39454,4,"Three guys are stranded in a desert By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, ""It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted." +39455,1,"The wise hermit A traveler made a long, arduous journey to find a hermit who was reputed to be wise.  After searching the wilderness for many weeks, he finally found the old man in his hideaway.  ""Tell me about life,"" said the traveler.  ""Well,"" said the hermit, ""life is like a fish."" The traveler thought on this for a while, then said to the hermit, ""How is life like a fish?"" The hermit sat silently, pondering the question.  Minutes turned to hours, as the sun moved across the sky and sank towards the horizon.  Finally, the hermit said, ""Okay, maybe life isn't like a fish.""" +39456,2,"Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away, and what are you? Stark naked." +39457,4,What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. (I'll see myself out.) +39458,0,"Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... ""Just one more father, its the last one...""" +39459,0,"I tried to donate sperm once, but they didn't accept it ... ​ ​ They said it had to be my own, and farting it into the cups doesn't count." +39460,1,"The invention of the Penis is proof God exists... And the size of mine proves that, so does the Devil. " +39461,2,I wish I hadn't started browsing Reddit on the toilet It makes it take so much longer to get shit done. +39462,6,"The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians... And was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, ""Since you are about to die, I'll grant you a wish."" The Lone Ranger said, ""I want to talk to my horse."" The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away. Ten minutes later, Silver came back with a stunningly beautiful blonde woman in the saddle. The Chief smirked at the Lone Ranger and said, ""Go ahead and use my tent."" The Lone Ranger took the blonde into the chief's tent and came back out some time later, saying, ""I want to see my horse again."" ""Again?"" the Chief sighed and reluctantly agreed. The Lone Ranger whispered into Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away. Ten minutes later, Silver returned, this time with a beautiful redhead in the saddle. The Chief smiled broadly and said, ""What a way to go. You can use my tent again."" The Lone Ranger and the woman went into the Chief's tent and came out some time later. Immediately, the Lone Ranger said, ""I want to see my horse again."" Now the Chief was getting impatient and said, ""Okay, but this is the last time."" The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver's reins and shouted at him, ""Now listen, you stupid horse: posse! P-O-S-S-E!!!"" " +39463,1,"Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake" +39464,2,What was the inventor of suspenders awarded for their discovery? The no-belt prize. +39465,2,What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with tits? Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean +39466,1,Your mama jokes are too outdated. Just like your mama +39467,0,How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb? 1000. One to change it and 999 to go ahead and change it again without checking to see if it's already been changed. +39468,1,I don’t like cocaine. It blows. +39469,0,Q: Why did God invent colour blindness? A: So someone will fancy the ginger kids. +39470,5,My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each. +39471,0,Now I don't know if this is racist but a black guy walks into a bar.... The barman goes 'wow where'd you get that?' To which the parrot goes 'Africa' +39472,1,What happens if you have too much phone sex? You get hearing-aids. +39473,0,What is never the answer? Causing bodily harm to others +39474,0,What did Windows say to Mac OS XP +39475,3,"There's this newlywed couple about to spend their first night together as they were undressing the following conversation ensued: ""What happened to your feet?"" his wife asked. ""I had a childhood disease called tolio."" ""Don't you mean polio?"" ""No, tolio, it only affects the toes."" He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. ""What happened to your knees?"", she asked. ""Well, I also had kneesles."" ""Don't you mean measles?"" ""No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."" When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, ""Don't tell me, you also had smallcox too" +39476,4,"Two gay Men are travelling....... ...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. ""Dude, what if we had sex?"" asks Steve. ""You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."" ""Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"" Steve stands up and asks loudly: ""Could I have a pencil, please?"" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. ""They really wouldn't care then, would they?"" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his Shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. ""Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"" ""I didn't dare"" whispers the old man. ""A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass...""" +39477,0,Why did the teenage mammoth dye his hair? He was a holocene kid. +39478,1,Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China. Obviously a sham rock. +39479,0,Why is the eunuch always changing? Because he Varys... (I apologise for nothing.) +39480,2,Where did the branches of the armed services get their names from? From the mili-tree +39481,3,"What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender? Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator." +39482,0,What's the difference between ketchup and mustard? An infection +39483,1,The first all female spacewalk took place today. I bet they took forever to get ready. +39484,10,I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck. +39485,0,"If toilets could talk, you’d probably just hear the same old shit. Unless they’re grumpy. Then they’d tell you they had enough of your shit." +39486,1,"A mouse is standing outside his house Having just pulled a gun on a cat, who sits with one paw raised in submission. ""Six rounds, 9 lives, you do the math"" the cat says. ​ Sorry, pretty bad I know." +39487,1,Oh no! The universe just imploded itself...... ...... No matter. +39488,0,"After I cut my lawn today, my neighbor paid me a great compliment. He said it looked like Mexicans did it. " +39489,0,Did you hear Robert DeNiro and Ben Stiller are gonna be in the sequel to Throw Momma from the Train? It’s called Yeet the Parents. +39490,0,They found a dead women In a cemetery +39491,1,(Xpost: LPT) Never interrupt a Jonestown joke. They literally shot a politician for skipping the punch line. +39492,0,"On my wedding day my new father in law said to me On my wedding day back in the hotel room I sat my bride down, took my pants off and handed them to my wife and asked her to put them on. She did, and they fell off. Again she tried over and over, she said they don't fit. I told her that's right, I wear the pants in this family. She took off her panties and gave them to me and said put them on. I tried and tried but couldn't get into them. I said they I can't get into them, she said and you won't get into them unless you change your attitude . Credit: I saw this on Huffington Post comment section by Michael Drena." +39493,4,"When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul." +39494,0,Do you know why an ad man won't look out the window in the morning? Cause then he'd have nothing to do in the afternoon. credit:jezza +39495,4,Have no friends? Tell a girl you love her. Do this over and over and soon you'll have many friends! :D +39496,2,"A redneck is in his trailer park bragging to his friends about his recent trip to New York. He says, ""I was walkin' down the street, and saw this place called a sex shop. I was curious so I went in and the place was loaded with rubber women!"" One of the redneck women speaks up. ""Did they have rubber dudes?"" The country bumpkin thinks for a moment, then says ""Ya know, I ain't too sure bout rubber dudes, maybe they sold out. But I tell ya, there were a lotta spare parts for 'em!""" +39497,2,Puns make me feel numb Math puns make me feel number +39498,5,People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain. No one expects the Spanish ink precision +39499,1,My buddy told me he fantasizes about being made of bricks and having a chimney. He'd really be stoked if he was a fireplace. +39500,2,"A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here's a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”" +39501,7,"Broken Leg Bill had a broken leg. His friend Nick visits him. Bill asks Nick, ""Can you go get my slippers upstairs?"" Nick goes upstairs to see Bills beautiful daughters on their beds. Nick says, ""Your dad wants me to have sex with you."" They say, ""No way! Prove it!"" Nick shouts at Bill, ""Both of them?"" Bill shouts, ""Yes, both! What's the use of fucking one!?""" +39502,0,Name a drink that's like having sex on the space shuttle. Fucking close to rocket fuel. +39503,0,Whats the difference between communism and a toaster? A Toaster Works +39504,3,"What do you get when you spell ""Man"" backwards? PTSD" +39505,6,Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion. +39506,4,"What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep? ""Stop resisting a rest!""" +39507,1,Why are there so many female archaeologists? Because they love digging up the past. +39508,4,They read them up side down Why don't bats enjoy r/jokes? +39509,0,"What did the cannibal get when he arrived to the party late? A cold shoulder. Courtesy of Riley from ""Left Behind""." +39510,1,"A guy goes in to see his doctor... The doctor evaluates him and says, ""I have bad news for you - you have Alzheimer's and you have Cancer"". Shocked, the guy considers for a moment and says, ""At least I don't have Alzheimer's.""" +39511,8,"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It��s currently half empty..." +39512,2,What happens when you use a pay toilet in France? Euro-pee'n +39513,0,Why did squirrel cross the street? Because she nuts. +39514,2,"Torn between two lovers John was unable to choose between two girls… So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with. John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted. Gary: Then you should be with Edith. John: But I love Kate and could never leave her... Gary: Then you should stay with Kate. John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity! Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too." +39515,0,"First self-repairing car The Chrysler corporation has developed the world's first self-repairing car. If the engine dies just wait three days and it comes back to life. They're calling it the ""Jesus Chrysler""." +39516,1,My Japanese dentist became a woman. He’s a trans zen dentalist. +39517,1,Was going to post a time traveling joke But you guys didn't like it. +39518,1,Wanna hear my construction joke? Sorry I'm not done working on it yet. +39519,4,I used to think my autocannibalism made me cool. Now I realize I was just full of myself. +39520,1,I never understood why white people can’t say the n-word I mean we’re the ones who invented it after all +39521,0,Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Allah over the place +39522,0,"A man walks into a bar... The local female workers association, eager to prevent this from happening again, raises the bar a little higher." +39523,1,"According to new research, human bodies keep moving for more than a year after death. That’s crazy news, but it certainly explains why Grandpa was flailing so much during the cremation." +39524,2,"What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common? ""That's totally random""" +39525,1,What type of plant gives you the runs? dysentree +39526,2,"I asked my father what nepotism is... He just said, “you’ll get it when you’re older”." +39527,1,You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time... ...and still know what to spit and what to swallow. +39528,0,My auntie gave me a Naked Banana Calender 2018 for Christmas.. I just don't see the apeel. +39529,7,"A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin ""$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?""" +39530,1,Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay fifty bucks for a lentil on my chest. +39531,0,What does the Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingon's +39532,0,"What do you call a pea-brained, soulless, big-mouthed dinosaur with really tiny hands? T-RUMP" +39533,0,I absolutely love Christmas music... ...when it's fucking played in December. +39534,1,"Skin Doctor A dim man looks at some horribly swollen red and rashy skin on his leg and says to his friend ""This looks really bad. I need to find a skin Doctor but I can't read."" His friend says ""Ok i have this phonebook but I can't read either. I know it's derma or something like that."" They find the doctor in the book and the man goes into the office. The doctor says ""Wow this is new to me. I'll need to take a sample."" The doctor cuts off a rather large piece of the man's flesh. The man screams in agony and says ""Jesusmothershit how how much did you take?!"" The doctor says ""The normal 8oz cut."" After the doctor's analysis the man decides he needs a second opinion as he is in alot of pain and bleeding. He goes to the Emergency Department and the nurse says ""Oh my goodness what happened?"" The man says ""I had a skin issue and went to a doctor from the phonebook and he took a sample."" The nurse asks ""Well that's a steak sized cut. What did he say about the sample?"" The man replies ""He said it wasn't venison.""" +39535,1,"An elderly woman One day an 80 year old woman was sitting outside of her nursing home smoking a cigarette when her 90 year old friend came outside and sat down beside her and lit up a cigarette of her own They were smoking for a moment when they started to feel rain drops, the 90 year old woman pulled out a condom cut off the end and put it on her cigarette and continued smoking it The 80 year old had never seen a condom before so to her curiosity she asked her friend what it was, the 90 year old said ""this is a condom, I use it for smoking my cigarettes in the rain, you cut off the end and when it starts raining it keeps your cigarette dry so you don't waste it"" The 80 year old was impressed and asked where she could buy some condoms for herself, the 90 year old tells her that they sell them at any convenient store The following morning the 80 year old goes to the nearest convenient store and walks up to the young cashier and asks the young man where the condoms were, noticing the womans age the young man reluctantly asks her ""Do you have any idea what kind of condoms you want?"" The 80 year old woman said ""I don't care as long as it fits over a Camel""" +39536,0,"Two blonds were taking a shower after a workout at the gym And one asked the other ""Do you have shampoo?"" ""Why? you have one over there"" ""It is for dry hair, and mine is wet"" > Sorry for the click bait......" +39537,1,Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat... Is a gluten for punishment. +39538,0,What skin do vegans wear? Human +39539,0,What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. +39540,0,"Young English teacher.. So there's this new English teacher and she's 25 and looks amazing, nice figure, and curves in all the right places; and this morning she has a new exchange student but due to a mix up in the office she doesn't have a name to go with his face, so she decides to wait until after the bell and to have him introduce himself to the class, bell rings and she asks him to come to the front of the class and introduce himself, and he slowly walks up with his head down, so the teacher puts her arm around him to console him and she says there's no rush we can start with your first name, and he meekly whispers out ""Dem"" and she says did you hear that class? This is Dem, so what's the rest of your name Dem? And he says ""Dem some nice titties!"" Turns out his name was Dave and he was from Philadelphia " +39541,3,What do you call a comic book hero that is constantly hooked on having sex with female superheroes? A heroine addict. +39542,1,I decided not to drink Vodka... Because only a Sith deals in Absoluts +39543,4,What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? No ballroom +39544,0,NSFW what did Egg-man say when he was at Sonic's orgy? GET A LOAD OF THIS +39545,3,Have you heard of the piano-playing spy? Neither have I. He's very low-key. +39546,1,Why does the elephant wear yellow shoes? So he can camouflage upside-down in a bowl of custard. Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard? Exactly +39547,0,"What did Michael Avenatti tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, he already told her twice." +39548,1,A lot of midgets are so nice and honest... They seem very down to earth! +39549,0,I was asked if I could handle setting out the candles. I caandle this. +39550,4,To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out. +39551,2,Were you born on a freeway? Because that's where most accidents happen +39552,0,"Change for a 5 ""Excuse me ma'am, may I exchange this 5 dollar bill for 4 singles?"" ""5 dollars for 4 singles? But that doesn't make any sense!"" ""Ah, my mistake. Then may I exchange this 5 dollar bill for 3 singles and 6 quarters?"" ""Certainly, sir, although that still makes very little sense."" ""Of course, I'm not thinking straight! Please exchange this 5 dollar bill for 400 pennies!"" ""Absolutely sir, that makes a lot of sense!""" +39553,4,"Osama goes to heaven. Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. ""How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. ""You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!"" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says ""This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!"" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams ""This is not what I was promised!"" An angel replies ""I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?""" +39554,7,"Bill and Hillary When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?” Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.” Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?” He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”" +39555,0,"Two fashion designer cannibals One fashion designer cannibal says to the other one: You know, mate, some people just have no taste at all!" +39556,0,How many breaking bad characters does it take to screw a lightbulb? Find out next time on AMC's Breaking Bad! +39557,0,"I'll never forget my friend's last words right before he kicked the bucket... ""Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?""" +39558,2,"Remember, two wrongs dont make a right. But three lefts do." +39559,0,"I was talking to John 3:16, it was telling me that it really wished it was in any chapter other than chapter 3. I asked, “Oh, do you not like chapter 3?” And John 3:16 said “Yeah, I’m averse to that chapter.”" +39560,4,Who named the Sperm Whales? Seamen. +39561,2,"A friend bought two tickets to the Alabama-Oklahoma Orange Bowl game but can't go. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize that the game is on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... ​ It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3:00 pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4"", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress." +39562,0,"scientist says that Moneky becomes human in million years fools, why don't they see a monkey don't live that long" +39563,0,"I found the most reliable sentence that you can put into any situation: ""Fuck it! I'm going to bed.""" +39564,3,If smoking is so supposed to be so bad then why does it cure salmon? +39565,0,"Everyone has memory problems and they are no laughing matter. I can't remember who isn't a laughing matter, but I think it's someone we shouldn't be laughing at." +39566,0,"[Dirty] Why is Cubone the dirtiest, kinkiest Pokemon? He always has his dead mother sitting on his face." +39567,2,There are 2 kinds of people 1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data +39568,3,My work had a bake sale today We raised a lot of dough. +39569,1,Why does Yoda like sheep? Dey go bah. +39570,1,I once went to a Pastor Maldonado crash... Right after he crashed an F1 race broke out +39571,1,"A white man is playing monopoly with a black man. They do this once a week for half a year. The white man keeps losing every round. Eventually the white man gets confused and questions the other how they keep winning. ""How is it every time we play together I always lose?"" The black man replied ""It's a strategy in monopoly to go to prison often as to not pay anybody else your money.""" +39572,2,"Whats hard to get in, but once you're in, hard to get out of? the shower" +39573,1,"Meanwhile playing Xbox for an hour with my son He finally asked me, ""why there are two controllers and only one car on the screen?""" +39574,0,How to Stop Procrastinating Step 1: +39575,0,If the Arab countries don't recognise Israel... Does that mean they believe that it Isfaek? +39576,6,"A man asked God ""God, where can i find the love of my life?"" God answered ""Love can be found on every corner"" And then god made earth round" +39577,2,"If Baby Groot was sent to Winnie the Pooh's universe, what would his new name be? Twiglet." +39578,3,"My English is so bad it made my wife cry. So I pat her on the back and said, ""their their""" +39579,2,"How are driving in the winter and going down on a girl alike? If you're not careful, you'll slide right into the asshole in front of you. " +39580,1,"no further questions, your honor Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ? Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone. " +39581,1,"If people go to Art School to learn how to express themselves, where do doggies go? Arf School!" +39582,0,"A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub. The barman says ""what can I get you Mr Corbyn?""" +39583,6,What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in ABU DHABI DOOOO +39584,5,"Justice is best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater." +39585,1,"Got a pretty good eye roll from the wife on this one My wife was telling me about the hellish day that she had today. When she finished, I thought I would do the right thing and offer to do something nice for her. ME: ""Well babe, if you want, when we get in bed tonight I'll give you the longest and best massage you can imagine. It'll be like you went to a professional masseuse."" She gave me a really skeptical look and asked: ""Wait...am I going to end up paying for this massage with sex afterwards?"" ""No you don't have to PAY for it with sex....but a tip would be appreciated.""" +39586,3,"During the collapse of the Soviet Union... ... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is. **Survey man**: Where were you born? **Woman**: St. Petersburg **Survey man**: Where do you live now? **Woman**: Leningrad **Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? **Woman**: St. Petersburg EDIT: Formatting. " +39587,2,"What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down Massachusetts" +39588,0,"Bob thought that beta testing video games would be the best job on the planet... until he found out that First Person Shooters are already stable enough, and he was required to test ""The ABC's Zoo Learning Game"" and ""Learning Shapes and Colors""." +39589,0,What are Brazilian dogs called? A Chiahuehue. +39590,2,Just burned my Hawaiian pizza. Should've put it on 'aloha' temperature. +39591,0,A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ ​ ​ +39592,0,"So I was eating this girl out... And I started tasting horse cum, so I looked up at her and said ""oh! That's how you died grandma!""" +39593,4,"A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving through the desert. The car breaks down, and they've got no cell reception, so they have to walk to get help. The brunette says ""I'll grab the bottled water in case we get thirsty."" The redhead says, ""I'll grab the snacks in case we get hungry."" The blonde rips the drivers side door off its hinges. ""I'll take this door, so if we get hot, I can roll the window down.""" +39594,4,What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish? A oui lad +39595,4,Me and my wife were happy for 28 years.. And then we met each other. +39596,0,I had a real bad accident at the saw mill. My other half says we should sue for compensation. +39597,2,How do you call the money earned by a sewage company? Gross Profit. +39598,4,"Never Be Dishonest With Smart Women Man on telephone talking to his wife: ""Dear, I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my manager for seven days. I think that this is a positive and great opportunity for me to get that promotion finally. So honey, will you be able to please pack enough clothes for seven days, my toiletry bag and set out my rod and fishing box. We’re leaving from office and I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk night wear. See you at home."" The wife thought that this sound a little bit fishy, but being a decent wife she did precisely as her husband told her. The next weekend, he got back home little exhausted and tired but, however looking pretty much fine. The wife greeted him and asked whether he caught many fish? He said “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a couple Swordfish. Be that as it may, why didn’t u pack my blue silk night wear?” She said, “I did. They’re in your fishing box”" +39599,0,What's the difference between Beyonce and a shopping bag? A shopping bag can carry a child. +39600,2,How do know when your joke is mean? x̄ = ( Σ xi ) / n +39601,4,"Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school. He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor. No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything. After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole. Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his rule no 1, stick thier fingers in the cadaver's butt hole one by one. Then the professor proceeds to lick his finger in front of the class. The students immediately start puking, gagging and hurling, but look at the professor and not wanting to offend him on the first day, proceed to lick thier fingers, all the while barfing thier guts out, hurling and cussing the day they decided to go to medical school. After the last student was done, the professor calmly walked in front of the class and said out loud. Rule no 2 - you need to observe and pay attention. I inserted my middle finger in the butt hole but licked my ring finger." +39602,1,People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect. I was born without a humerus. +39603,2,Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore... ...if only Lisa Kudrow. +39604,0,I've mathematically figured out how to make Santa real! Just multiply him by i +39605,2,What is the best way to carve wood? whittle by whittle +39606,0,"If someone asked Jay Z to pick a side on the GIF vs JIF war, he would pick the GIF (hard G) side Otherwise he would be destroyed with a 'Gay Z'" +39607,3,Why did the pear turn itself into juice? Because of the pear pressure +39608,1,"Jewelry A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”" +39609,1,Heard from my 7 year old: what do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frost bite!! +39610,0,The Alzheimer's Convention Was A Flop Everybody forgot to show up +39611,3,Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the other side. +39612,1,"Hey baby, you're just like my little toe... ...because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home." +39613,2,"I used to steal famous comedian's jokes I still do, but I used to too. " +39614,5,The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 % Per boob. +39615,4,"My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids Neither of us want custody of those little brats..." +39616,1,HELLO.Hello.hello I just found out my wife is a natural auditorium. +39617,1,How do you turn a fox into an elephant? ​ ​ Marry It! ​ (Duck) +39618,2,"White girl goes on a date with a black man They have lots of fun, she takes him home, they have coffee, go up to her bedroom and she says, ""Show me it's true what they say about black guys"" So he stabbed her and nicked her purse." +39619,1,"The year is 1958, My Fair Lady premiers in London and all the tickets have been sold out for months. To thier surprise a couple sees an empty seat in front of them. They lean forward and ask the lady sitting next to it:   ""Excuse me, do you know why there is an empty seat here?"" ""Ah yes. My husband and I bought tickets but unfortunately he has passed away."" ""Oh, we're terribly sorry.""   Then after about a minute they lean forward again:   ""But why didn't you give the ticket to a friend or family member?"" ""Oh, they're all at the funeral.""" +39620,0,Going to the bathroom isn't the problem It's the shit that I have to deal with every day. +39621,3,"Caesar walks into a bar Caesar walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, ""Don't you mean a martini?"" Caesar says, ""If I wanted a double, I would have ordered a double!"" " +39622,0,How do French people get high? 80 +39623,1,"I wanted to buy a smaller roof for my struggling business, but there was too much overhead" +39624,3,Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke? It went over their heads +39625,1,I walk with a limp Because it's hard walking around with a boner. +39626,0,"Why don't Chinese people go to church? Because they ""TAOn't"" need it." +39627,0,Contrary to popular belief vampires do like stakes They are great gamblers +39628,0,My dad just told me something suprising He told me I was Ad-opted +39629,0,In Russia I like my coffee the way I like my women... +39630,0,Bill Cosby Loves Pudding Pudding his dick where it don't belong. +39631,4,Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society. Not a single day goes by without them asking for change! +39632,2,"Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country... They won’t let you back in after." +39633,2,"Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump. Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door. He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic. His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light coming from a hole in the corner of the room. 'oh well, any port in a storm' he thought, as he squatted over the hole, and let loose. As he felt the glorious relief of finally emptying his bowels, he hears a commotion coming from the auditorium below. Pulling up his pants, he found his way downstairs, to the lobby flooded with angry men covered in feces. ""Hey, what happened?"" He asked his friend. ""Everything was going great, until they put it up to a vote to strike, then the shit really hit the fan!""" +39634,0,"A man walks in to a cake shop... and notices a sign saying ""all cakes £1"". He says to the lady at the counter ""can I have that cake there"" pointing at a tasty treat. The lady hands him the cake and says ""£2 please"" ""£2?"" he asks ""but I thought everything was a quid"" ""Ah"" says the lady, ""that's Maderia cake""" +39635,1,Why should scrawny people eat more beef and drink more milk? They need more cowlories. +39636,1,"I don't like the word 'single' when referring to myself, it sounds like I'm not enough... ...when in reality I'm all too much" +39637,2,"I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen... ""Dave!"" shouted my wife. ""Come away from the pond!""" +39638,1,"A son asks his father 'what's a joke?' 'It's when you disparage any group with whom you disagree, confirming the existing bias of you and your audience.' 'But Mum says jokes satirise our shared biases, prompting us to think differently.' 'Well what would she know, women aren't funny.' 'Oh dad, you've got such a good sense of humour. I wonder why Mum divorced you?'" +39639,1,Wanna hear a joke about eye fluid? It's vitreous humor. +39640,1,"Three Rooms In Hell A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’" +39641,1,"What is the difference between a businessman and a dog? The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants" +39642,5,"So, I hate small talk. What about you?" +39643,3,"A man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor A worried man goes to recieve tests results from the doctor. Stepping into the office, he says ""Give it to me straight doc! Just do it!"" The doctor replies, ""No, I'm not gay."" They both burst into laughter. ""Besides"", the doctor says, ""I don't want HIV"" " +39644,0,Why did the negative number look so surprised? He was nonplussed. +39645,0,What kind of porn did Buckminster Fuller like? Anything with fullerene boobs. +39646,2,"NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed? Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth. Wife: What trick? Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!" +39647,3,Always remember you are someone's reason to smile Because you're a joke +39648,3,I’m a lucky guy and got to marry my best friend in the whole world today my wife is livid +39649,0,"One day, France Football Coach, Belgium Football Coach, Croatia Football Coach and England Football Coach meet in bar..... -France Football Coach: Why's our match feel so long. -Belgium Football Coach: You're lucky because match is 90 minutes long , if we have more times, we will beat you. -Croatia Football Coach: Hold a second, i thought each match is 120 minutes long. -England Football Coach: You are all wrong, a match is 45 minutes long. I even had times to prepare my luggage. " +39650,1,What do you call a cat on fire? A fur-nace +39651,4,My three favorite things in life Fucking dogs and not using commas +39652,1,A redneck introduced his wife and sister to his boss There was only one woman standing there. +39653,2,What's a dinosaur's favorite form of compression? RAR files. +39654,1,What do you call someone who sleeps with you for Adderall? an attention whore +39655,0,That chain was the off ...fucking Lysdexia +39656,2,Did you hear the news? The guy who invented predicted text died. His funerals on funfair +39657,2,I love the way earth rotates.... ..it really makes my day +39658,1,Why do all mediocre film school graduates make foreign films? Because they're over C's. +39659,0,If I got 1$ every time someone called me a racist... I could build a wall on the Mexican border and pay for it. +39660,9,"When one door closes, another opens, he said. ""That's all well and good"", I replied, ""but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."" Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... Edit: someone said the website is banned on Reddit-I don't know whether it is or not but I took it off to be safe." +39661,3,"My neighbor named his dog ""Rolex""... He's a watch dog." +39662,0,"What's the difference between a chicken and my dad? One's caged, the other escaped" +39663,1,"Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone Me: Siri, call my wife. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife. Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife. Me: Call my wife. Siri: Which wife?" +39664,5,The Earth used to be flat... ...until they buried yo momma. +39665,2,"Never lie to kids I make it a point never to lie to my kids. This morning one of them came up to me and asked, ""Where do little babies come from?"" And I gave him a straight answer: ""Sheer carelessness! Sheer carelessness!""" +39666,6,"An Ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...... ... the woman asks the man, ""How would you like to get out of here?"" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says ""I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service."" The Man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The Woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies ""I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 Dollars for the ride here and back.""" +39667,2,Ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. +39668,2,I was going to tell a sodium hydrogen joke But NaH +39669,2,How did Henry VIIIs wife enter the room? Amble in (Anne Boyeyn) I made this joke up and am very proud of it :) +39670,2,"Her: “Sex last night was ok.” Him: “Sex last night was so hot, we set the bed on fire!” Fact vs. Friction" +39671,3,My bank is really proud of me. They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance. +39672,1,What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet +39673,2,What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees +39674,2,"I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call, please?” She said “Yes, you’re in your mid 30s, Single, live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life!""" +39675,2,What did the coniferous tree say to the deciduous tree? I've been pining for you all winter! +39676,3,"Why wasn't the village afraid of the fearsome, ejaculating giant? They could see him coming from a mile away." +39677,1,My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice... I thought she was my wife 2 b? +39678,2,Why did the Jewish guy open up a coffee shop? Cuz he brews!! +39679,1,What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea? I've never had a kidney bean on my face. +39680,0,Why is the penis the most integral bodypart? It stands up for what it wants. +39681,2,"Boss, I just got married. Can I get a pay raise? ""Sorry, we don't compensate for accidents that happen outside of work.""" +39682,1,I don’t like to share earbuds with other people I’m always worried I’m going to get hearing AIDS +39683,1,"Decided to vote today, so I bought a locket and put my ballot in it, guess I really put my faith independant" +39684,0,How do you get down from an elephant? You don't. You get down from a duck. +39685,1,When you're feeling down just remember you are unique Just like everyone else +39686,2,What do you call it when clouds form in Africa? Wakandensation +39687,1,"I tried to tell my friend that I think she has a gambling addiction. I only got a few words out before she interrupted me, ""Yeah, I'll bet you do!""" +39688,3,"(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada. “Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked. “Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief. “Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”" +39689,1,"Sapiosexuals If sapiosexuals existed, Sir Isaac Newton would not have died a virgin." +39690,0,Why can't economist get laid? Cause they can't get global growth above 3% and interest rates are low +39691,0,"I had a joke about milk But, I decided to bottle it." +39692,0,What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard? A pillow fight +39693,0,"A handsome man asks a beautiful woman... ""Wanna date?"" ""No"", answered she, sliding the offer. ""You know, I don't offer a date to everyone?"" ""You know, I don't refuse to everyone?"" " +39694,0,Why is almond milk so hard to get? Because the almonds have tinyyyy nipples +39695,1,How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. +39696,1,"Three cats discuss which one of them is the laziest... First cat starts, “I can’t eat food unless my owner chews the food for me and puts it in front of me.” Second cat responds with a smug smile, “Hah, that is nothing! My owner has to chew my food then put it in my mouth and even then I don’t swallow the food. He cries and begs in front of me for hours before I get annoyed and swallow the food.” Third cat, unimpressed by all this, asks, “Guys, have you heard my scream coming from my house the other day?” Both cats confused, “No.” Third cat continues, “Exactly, you haven’t heard a thing because when my owner accidentally stepped on my balls, I was too lazy to either scream or move.”" +39697,1,"Thursday night A man is arrested for murder and taken to prison. While eating in the cafeteria a big black man befriends him. The big black man starts asking questions and giving advice to the new inmate. He tells him who to avoid, what food to eat, ect... Then this big black man starts telling him ""hey man anything you need, I can get it for you. Drugs, alcohol, food, you name it I'm your guy."" The new inmate thinks this over for a second and says ""well since you seem to know the ropes, how do you guys relieve the sexual tension around here?"" The big black man says ""you know that hole in the wall in the laundry room? Well it's yours to use any night of the week except Thursday"" and the new inmate says ""well thank you man! But I have to ask, why not Thursday?"" And the big black guy smiles and says ""because that's your night to be on the other side""" +39698,1,"I buried my wife today. This date is going to be hard to handle every year. The date of her death will probably harder though...especially coming only a day, or at most two, later." +39699,0,What do you call a Rastafarian who hunts down other Rastafarians? A Braid Runner. +39700,1,"I have a friend who is 4' 9"" so I always tell her short jokes... ...because she doesn't have a long attention span. *fixed*" +39701,3,"A son walks into the kitchen and sees his father drinking a beer. The son naturally asks the father if he can have some. The father says, “I don’t know, are you a man yet son?”. Unsure, the son asks how he knows if he’s a man yet. The father responds, “you’re only a man when your penis is long enough to touch your ass”. The son considers this for a moment, drops his head and leaves the room without a beer. The next day, the son walks into the kitchen and sees his father smoking a cigarette. The son asks if he can have one and he is met with the same question as before. He drops his head and walks out of the room without a cigarette. The following day the father walks into the kitchen and sees his son eating some cake. The father asks the son if he can have some. The son turns to the father and asks, “I don’t know dad. Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?” A wide smile appears on the fathers face and he proudly proclaims, “Why yes son! My penis is long enough to touch my ass!” The son bluntly replies, “Excellent. You can go fuck yourself then.”" +39702,1,Cigars are most ecological product in world. It kills pollution directly from source. +39703,0,The cross country athlete disappeared Some think he ran away. +39704,2,What do you call a lizard with sex problems? Ereptile Dysfunction +39705,0,What is a dog’s favorite type of pizza? Pup-peroni +39706,0,The malfunctioning sexbot A man recently ended up in hospital when his sexpot was erroneously programmed with milking machine software and the release mechanism did not let go until it got two full quarts. +39707,0,If you miss 4/20 you can always wait for 4/22 +39708,9,"An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured... By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. ""We've decided to kill you,"" he began, ""and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."" The officer nods, and replies ""If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you."" They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head. Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same spiel. The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it. The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself. Finally, the chief visits the Ranger. He explains the situation. The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies ""A fork."" ""Excuse me?"" Says the chief. ""Bring me a fork."" The Ranger says Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork. Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork. All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman. ""What are you doing??!"" The chief asked ""That has got to be the *most* painful way to die!"" The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts ""FUCK YOUR CANOE!""" +39709,7,How much space is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible. Edit: gay +39710,1,What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t exactly jelly my dick down your throat. +39711,0,The “Tank Man” is still missing? ...I thought it was Ronnie from Jersey Shore? +39712,2,Why do white boys love dating black girls Because they don't have to worry about meeting her father +39713,1,I was seduced by my English teacher She made me have sex with her Did you notice the above sentence didn’t end with a period? Yeah... the teacher is due next month. +39714,0,What Nationality has the easiest time learning sign language? Italians. +39715,0,What’s red and bad for your teeth? Lipstick +39716,0,If today is May the forth... Then tomorrow is Revenge of the Fifth... +39717,1,African children love their food like I love my Lamborghini. I don’t own a Lamborghini. +39718,1,"**Long** A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer... So, these three are in a hotel. The engineer is woken up in the middle of the night by a fire. He grabs an extinguisher, and puts out the fire, then goes back to sleep. Later, the physicist is woken up for the same reason. He does some quick calculations, and dumps the precise amount of water onto the flames to extinguish them. Finally, the mathematician is woken by the smell of smoke. He walks over to where the fire had been, and finds embers. He coaxes a fire out of them, then goes back to sleep, knowing he has reduced it to an already solved problem." +39719,0,In some ways blowjobs are better than sex because when you have a mouthful of cock... ...you can't make snide comments. +39720,3,I was wondering what my parents did in their free time when they were young I asked my 27 siblings and they didn’t know either. +39721,2,In 1828 Franz Schubert was buried next to Beethoven... They wanted to decompose together. +39722,2,What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NIEEEOWWWW! +39723,3,"A Black guy arrives at Heavens Gates... The man is worried that due to his race, they might discriminate and not let him in. So when he walks up to the pearly gates he decides that at the very least, to better his chances to get in, he can change his name to that of a white person. ""Name?"" asks St. Peter The man searches for a name in his mind and finally lands on one. ""Leonardo DiCaprio"" St. Peter gives a stern look at the man and asks for his real name. The man gives him the same response and St Peter squints his eyes, not quite convinced. ""Give me a second, I've got to make a call to the man upstairs"" St Peter turns around and pulls out a phone, dialling for God. The phone rings a couple times before a deep voice asks what's up. St Peter replies, ""Quick question sir, did the Titanic sink? Or did it burn?"" *My grandpa gave me this joke in Spanish, thought it would work nicely in English and yes I know dicaprio didn't actually ride the titanic.* " +39724,1,"Brian decides it's time to sail the seven seas. Brian decides it’s high time he make his lifelong dream come true. He buys a boat, gets his gear and sets off to sail the seven seas. After a few days, a storm whips up. Brian and his ship are lost to the sea. The next day, Brian wakes up, stranded on a deserted island. He find food, water, shelter. But Brian quickly realises there’s one thing he’s missing. Sex. After a few days, whilst exploring his new home, he comes across a mule. “I can’t believe I’m gonna do this, but it’s all I got!” screams Brian. So he gives it his best shot. Different angles, positions, but nothing works. The mule just won’t sit still. After hours of trying, Brian admits defeat. 6 years go by, when out of no where, Brian spots a beautiful woman wash ashore. He helps her up and gets her some water. After a few minutes, she asks him “How long have you been here?” “6 years, all alone” Brian replies. With this answer, the woman strips naked and stands in front of Brian. “Well in that case, is there anything I can do for you, seen as you did save my life?” she asks. Brian stands up, a twinkle in his eye and points to his right. “You can hold that fucking mule still for me!”" +39725,0,What do you say when you see a lot of graphical user interfaces? Hey GUIs! +39726,4,What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro cinco +39727,0,Humor is often a result of deviations of expected norms. I saw a hilarious joke for reposting earlier. +39728,1,"How did the mansplainer die? They said he fell down a manhole. But it was a well, actually." +39729,2,"A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon... And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly. The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his thumb, and it sang in the air before ringing out on the wooden bar. ""Say friend, you got a whiskey?"" The coin rattles to a stop, and the bartender looks up with a patient smile. ""That is,"" says the cowboy, ""if you're not too busy."" ""No sir,"" says the barman. ""Never too busy."" He pops the top off a dark bottle of rye and pours a generous glass. The cowboy throws it back, licks his lips, and says, ""My, my, my. Doesn't do any good in the bottle, does it?"" ""I suppose it doesn't,"" says the bartender. The fly buzzes by. ""Well!"" says the cowboy, clearly itching for company. ""Where in the Sam Hell is everybody?"" ""Oh,"" says the bartender, ""they're all at the hangin'."" ""Hangin'? ""Hangin'."" The cowboy motions for another belt of brown, and the bartender obliges. ""Now who might they be hangin' today?"" The bartender puts his rag on his shoulder, looks the cowboy straight in the eye and says, ""Sir, today they're hangin' none other than 'Brown Paper Pete'."" ""Brown Paper Pete?"" ""The very same."" The cowboy points to the now empty glass and makes the international 'just one more' gesture. ""That's an interesting name, isn't it?"" ""It does have an air about it, sir."" ""Now why do you suppose they call him that?"" ""Well sir,"" says the bartender, ""they call him 'Brown Paper Pete' because he wears a brown paper hat."" ""Does he now?"" ""He does."" ""And if it rains?"" ""He wears it all the same."" ""My goodness."" ""That ain't the half of it, sir! See, he also wears himself a brown paper shirt."" ""A shirt?"" ""And a brown paper tie. Both of which are firmly ensconced in a well-fitted brown paper frock coat. Do you want me to tell you about his pants?"" ""I think I have a pretty fair idea,"" says the cowboy. ""Would it be presumptive of me to assume that they are made of brown paper as well?"" ""They are indeed. And he has a nice pair of brown paper boots, and a fine set of brown paper socks."" ""It appears,"" says the cowboy, ""that this outlaw's sobriquet is well-earned!"" ""Now I don't know what that specifically means, sir. But I'll wager I agree."" The cowboy sips in silence. The fly makes another round. The bartender goes back to polishing the gleaming glass. ""So!"" says the cowboy. ""What are they hangin' him for?"" The bartender puts down the glass, wipes a smudge from the bar, looks up at the cowboy and says, ""Rustlin'.""" +39730,0,When was the one time America actually paid off the terrorist's ransom? When they threatened to return the kidnapped politicians unharmed. +39731,0,"The lucky one Jack and Sam, both are in love with Jenny. Both of them propose and wanted to marry Jenny. Jenny gets too confused as she likes both and goes to a psychic and asks: ""Jack and Sam both are in love with me and wants to marry me. Please tell me who ll be the lucky one"" Psychic: ""Sam is the lucky one. You are going to marry Jack!!""" +39732,2,[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend Now he's just Dav +39733,1,What do you call a digital cow? An Emu +39734,2,"The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job, I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’" +39735,0,Donald trump isn't a wight supremacist... he IS an orange supremasist +39736,0,TRIGGER WARNING National Rifle Association of America +39737,5,"A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. ""Why?"" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. ""Well, I'm a panda,"" he says. ""Look it up."" The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. ""Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.""" +39738,3,"Guy: ""Come over"" Girl: ""Roger, I'm coming over"" Guy: ""We should stop using walkie-talkies in bed, over.""" +39739,2,What do you call a communist sniper? A Marxman +39740,0,Why Katappa killed Baahubali? Because Baahubali gifted anti-dandruff shampoo on Katappa's Birthday. +39741,1,"The Legend of the Man Who Went on Vacation to New Orleans It can be assumed that the man had gone to many, many bars that night. By the time he had entered his fifth bar, he was definitely drunk. The man decided that it was about time to use the bathroom, so he approached the bartender and asked the bartender politely, ""Exchuze me... whre kn-I take... take a.... where's the shhhitter?"" Luckily for the man, the bartender was fluent in drunk language. ""Down that hall, to the left!"" he said with his southern New Orleans charm. The man staggered down the hall and, in his stupor, crashed through the door on the right. Inside the room sat the greatest golden toilet that the man had ever laid his eyes upon. The drunk enjoyed emptying out the spicy Cajun food from his bowels. He enjoyed the toilet so much as it seemed to perfectly wrap around his bottom, so he decided to just keep using it. And using it. And using it. He truly was in love with the great golden toilet. The next morning was a haze and a headache. The man didn't remember much, but he remembered that golden toilet. He remembered the connection that it seemed to have with his bottom. He considered the experience to be sublime, perhaps even intimate. Therefore, he decided, no matter the cost, he must have that toilet. After drinking two bottles of pedialite and taking a few ibupeofen, he felt as though his hangover had subsided enough to return to the bar where he once met his toilet. He recognized the bartender from the night before and hastily approached him. ""Sir. This is going to sound crazy, but last night I used your establishments golden toilet. Now, I demand a price!"" ""Sir, I remember you from last night. We do not have a golden toilet. Maybe you imagined it in your stupor?"" The man was horrified. Not because he was embarassed, but because he really needed to use that toilet. He went to find it, and went through the door to the right. Alas, the toilet was gone. He was so upset that he returned to the bar to order a drink. Meanwhile, the daytime jazz band was being introduced. The man was excited as he remembered, ""Sing, Sing, Sing!"" from his childhood. The conductor held his arms up to prepare the band. The man took another sip off of his Bourbon. Suddenly, as the band began to play, brown lumps, chunks, and liquids exploded from the tuba. The man had realized his mistake and quietly left New Orleans. The legend has it that he bought his own tuba on Amazon later that week, but alas, we can not say for sure." +39742,0,I don’t think I got the part as a cocaine dealer in my audition… I totally messed up my lines. +39743,0,A wizard gets a nasty cut on his leg If he's not careful he could get a Staff Infection. +39744,3,"What's the difference between a ""Cult"" and a ""Religion""? In a ""Cult"" there is one man at the ""top"" who knows everything and has orchestrated most of it out of his imagination. In a ""Religion"", that person is dead." +39745,0,"This guy used to work in a bell tower years ago... His job was to sound the bell each hour and on special occasions. The problem was, he wasn't strong enough to pull the heavy rope that rang it. He did have a really hard head though, so he would just do the job by running full tilt at the bell to set it swinging. One time, he aimed himself badly, went running at the bell at the wrong angle, bounced off it, and fell straight off the tower. A crowd gathered around his body on the pavement far below. The policeman first on the scene looked sadly down at him and asked, ""Does anyone know who this is?"" An old-timer pushed his way to the front, looked down at him, and said thoughtfully, ""No, I can't say I do... but his face definitely rings a bell.""" +39746,0,I vote down party lines. Wherever the solo cups are lined up. +39747,0,"Julius Caesar plans a picnic Julius Caesar, the famous politician, would like to have a picnic. He asks his advisor, after a ""Hail, Caesar"", what the weather for tomorrow would be. ""Hail, Caesar."" Caesar is annoyed, but asks again. ""Hail, Caesar."" Caesar gives up and plans the food. He asks his advisor what was the name of the salad he liked to eat very much. ""Caesar."", The advisor said. Caesar, now angry, tells the guards to take the advisor away to prison. " +39748,0,Why do Chinese smoke so much? At least the cigarette smoke goes through a filter.... +39749,0,What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course. +39750,3,"I heard this one from my grandpa There is a white kid an asian kid and a black kid playing together on a playground at school all in the second grade. The white kid asks if they want to play a game called whose penis is bigger and they all agree. So the asian kid whips it out, the other kids say ""not bad not bad"" Next the white kid whips his out, and they all agree that it's bigger than the asian kids Finally, the black kid whips his out and the other two kids are in awe at how much bigger his is So when the black kid gets home his mother asks him how his day went, and he told her about the game he played with his friends and how he won. So he asked her if it was because he was black. The mom looked at him and said ""no, it's because your thirteen""" +39751,1,Numerators can recover the fastest from break-ups. They're always over it. +39752,0,"Why do fireflies have green shiny back? They have their back shiny green only if they want to poo, because it's full of radioactive matter" +39753,3,"I spilled a glass of water the other day If that's not irony, then I don't know what is." +39754,0,How was the pterodactyl so silent when it was in the washroom? Because the pee is silent. +39755,0,You ever here about the stealthiest ninja? Me neither +39756,3,"THE TOILET SEAT My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, ""Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."" The Doctor replied, ""Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.""" +39757,0,"I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography, but no one believed me... That’s my story and I’m sticking to it." +39758,4,What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi +39759,3,"I was having sex with a girl the other day, I was getting tired so I asked her to go on top... She replied ""you haven't raped anyone before have you""." +39760,4,Laughter is the best medicine. Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better. +39761,0,"An american and a chinaman are hired to fox the telephone wires The Chinaman gets a ladder and starts working immediately while the American is stunned by how motivated the other guy is Suddenly, the Chinaman gets shocked and falls to the ground, but after a few minutes he gets back up and goes to work again On the other hand, the American went straight back home and took a six week leave because of the emotional trauma he went through" +39762,2,If James Bond movies were about food... These could be their titles: * On Her Majesty's Secret Recipe * Donuts are Forever * Octopie * Moonbaker * The Spy Who Loved Meat * License to Grill * GoldenPie * Diet Another Day * All The Food In The World Is Not Enough * Cashew Chicken Royale +39763,3,"A third lady goes into a pet shop... ...she, like the two ladies before her, is also looking to buy a parrot. She also takes a liking to a particularly foul-mouthed and ill-tempered parrot (this shop has a lot of them). She takes the parrot home, thinking it will be a fun project to clean up his act. At home, she tries to teach the parrot how to say ""You look nice this evening."" However, the parrot will only say, ""You look like shit!"" She tries to teach the parrot how to say ""Please feed me."" However, he will only say, ""Yo, gimme some fucking food, bitch!"" She tries for days to change the parrot's habits, but he is still as foul-mouthed and rude as ever. The woman's patience is growing thin, and she begins to feel that she made a terrible mistake buying such a mean pet. Finally, one day, after an hour of trying to teach the parrot to say something nice, the parrot says, ""Shut the fuck up already, you old ugly hag!"" The woman is fed up, screams, and in her frustration, opens the freezer door and stuffs the parrot inside. The parrot begins squawking loudly and furiously, beating his wings and making an enormous racket from inside the freezer. After about ten seconds, the noise stops. Fearing the worst, the woman immediately feels a wave of remorse and shame wash over her. She throws open the freezer door, and is relieved to see the parrot is alive and well. He calmly steps out of the freezer, hops onto the counter, and says, ""Thank you so much for letting me out. I very much appreciate it."" The woman is stunned, but says, ""You're welcome."" The parrot continues, ""I'm sorry about my earlier behavior. If there's ever anything you need, I am at your service."" The woman has no idea what to make of this, but thanks the parrot all the same. There is an awkward silence. Finally, the parrot says, ""...may I ask what the chicken did?""" +39764,3,The furniture store kept calling me. All I wanted was one night stand. +39765,1,I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today. Turns out I had been cordially invited. +39766,5,Where did Sally go during the school bombing? Everywhere. +39767,1,Do you know how we call rival towns? Adver-City +39768,0,"Modern Optimization Technologies At Its Finest... Last week my friends and I went to a new restaurant. Having made the order, I noticed that the waiter who served us, has a spoon in his shirt pocket. At first I did not pay any particular attention to this, but after looking around, I found out that ALL waiters were carrying a spoon in the shirt pocket. ""What's the spoon for?"" - I asked the waiter who came by again. - You see, the management of our restaurant hired ""A%&#*$^@ Consulting"" to optimize our processes. These guys poked around here for several months and came to the conclusion that we spend a lot of time trying to get to the kitchen for a clean spoon, in case the client drops it on the floor. This happens about 3 times per hour at each table. Having a spoon in your pocket, we save one and a half person-hours per shift ... ""Cunning!"", I thought, and continued the meal. As I kept eating, my attention grew more acute and I noticed that a thin string sticks out of all the waiters' pants. - Excuse me, but why do you have a lace in your trousers? - I asked the same waiter. Leaning towards me and lowering his voice, he replied: - The same consulting firm, analyzing our work, came to the conclusion that we spend a lot of time in the washroom. Well, you know, get it out, pee, wash and dry your hands ... So, tying the string to ... hmm ... you know what, we can quickly get it without using our hands, which means we do not need to wash our hands after visiting the washroom, therefore we save 75% of the time. - Yes, but how can you ... pardon me ... how can you put IT back without using your hands? Lowering his voice and bending directly to my ear, the waiter whispered: - I don't know how about the rest, but I use a spoon ...." +39769,0,Why did the interrupting cow cross the road? MOOOOOO!!!! +39770,3,I heard that it takes semen and an egg to make a baby. But all it made for me was a delicious breakfast. +39771,2,"A guy is speeding on the highway.. A police officer notices him and starts following him, trying to pull him over. Instead, the guy just speeds up more and more, trying to dodge the officer. The officer is having none of it, and after a a wild chase and a couple more police cars involved the guy is finally stopped. The officer walks up to the guy's car and asks' ""Sir, can you tell me why you were speeding?"" ""Well, you see officer, last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I was just so afraid that you were bringing her back!"" " +39772,1,"Dentists and an Irish. An Irish went to a dentist for tooth extraction and first enquired about cost. Dentist said 1200 , the Irish thought it was too much. After some thought, he asked about cheaper methods. The dentist said, Yes, it can be done without anesthesia and will cost only 300, but it would be very very painful. Irish said OK Dr, do it without anesthesia. The dentist removed the tooth without anesthesia and during the entire procedure the Irish sat quietly, even smiling a little. The dentist was not only surprised, but was quite impressed and said I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, instead, take this 500 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings !!! In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing Irish patient. Out of all doctors, one doctor jumped up and shouted that Irish first came to me, I gave him anesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour ! After half an hour when I called him he had left ! That dr was a Brit." +39773,1,"What's the difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombings? Once again, foreigners can do it better, cheaper, and more efficiently." +39774,1,Today i was standing at the park wandering why things get bigger as they get close to me... Then it hit me! +39775,1,Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist? Boner Petite +39776,1,Every time I visit my allotment there's more and more soil The plot thickens... +39777,1,What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature? Just a little chili. +39778,4,"Blind Cowboy An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake, finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ”Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to the old blind cowboy says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five important things: 1. The bartender is blond girl who’s holding a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blond girl with a billy-club. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blond, a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blond joke?” The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well hell no, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times!” " +39779,3,What's the most dangerous part about Scrabble It's all fun and games until someone loses an I +39780,0,"If I have to pay to use this bathroom, I'm going to lose my shit. Because I'm broke." +39781,0,"So I went to a convention with my dad... We got there and looked at the line, my dad said ""Wow, this is way longer than I expected it to be""!! The last time I heard those words I was at the doctor getting a physical." +39782,0,"At the hospital, a man was asked ""How tall are you?"" ""I'm 6'2, why do you ask doc?"". ""I'm not a doctor, I am a carpenter""." +39783,0,"What's the difference between science and religion? One flies you into space, and the other flies you into buildings" +39784,1,I've heard about lighting up on 4/20... but I feel like BP took it a bit far back in 2010. +39785,0,"Scientists have invited a new facial recognition algorithm to use at gay therapy camps... This algorithm can differentiate between homosexual and ""no longer homosexual"" faces with almost 100% accuracy. Scientists are now claiming they can see in eX-Gay vision. " +39786,0,I don't understand why everyone thinks KKK is so racist. Every night at our rallies we have lots of black people hanging around. +39787,7,"Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case." +39788,4,"Dad joke of the day: what sound does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing" +39789,2,"Tom Swift's best moments. ""German sausage jokes are the wurst,"" Tom said frankly. ""I got cut in half,"" Tom said intuitively. ""I will never read Shakespeare,"" Tom said unwillingly. ""I lost my legs right under the ankles,"" Tom said defeatedly. ""Who turned out the lights?"" Tom asked dimly. ""I don't know the words to this song,"" Tom said humbly. ""I lost my wrists,"" Tom said offhandedly." +39790,1,"A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, ""Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out in mycar waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it . We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"" The dentist thought to himself, ""My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."" So the dentist asked him, ""Which tooth is it sir?"" The man turned to his wife and said, ""Open your mouth honey, and show him""." +39791,0,"Plane Crash An American airline plane was about to crash - there were 5 passengers aboard but only 4 parachutes The 1st passenger-Angelina Jolie said ”I am a great Actress and said to be the most beautiful woman in the world! So Americans don’t want me to die” - So she took the first pack and jumped out of the plane The 2nd passenger-John McCain said - “I’m a Senator and a decorated war hero of the USA” and he grabbed the second pack and jumped out of the plane The 3rd passenger-Donald Trump said- “ I am going to be the next President of the USA, I am the smartest man in our country and I will make America great again” and so he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out The 4th passenger, Preacher,Billy Graham said to the 5th passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl - “ I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could - I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute” The little girl said-“ Thats O.K., Mr Graham - there's still a parachute left for you - the smartest man in America ( Trump ) took my schoolbag !""" +39792,2,"I saw a transvestite wearing a mini skirt, and I thought.... That shows a lot of balls. Credit to Jimmy Carr" +39793,3,What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. +39794,4,Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service. +39795,3,"I was walking around some back ally’s in London with my friend, at the time we were both stupid teens. We saw a stray cat, very emaciated, so we fed it some cat food and noticed it had a collar on which said it’s name was ‘love’ my friend said to me ‘bro that’s such a gay name let’s change it’. So we changed the cats name to Gay and from then on we fed Gay and it became our little friend, we shared it and loved it. About a month later we were walking back through the back ally’s with Gay when we saw this big black dude turn a corner and shout ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CAT, LOVE’ my friend, being then dumb teen he was shouted back ‘HES NOT YOURS HES OURS AND HIS NAMES GAY’, the man whipped out a pistol and shot me in the heart, I fell to the floor, looked up to my friend and whispered as my last words, ‘shot to the heart, and you’re to blame, you gave love a bad name’" +39796,2,But why did ET get stuck on Earth in the first place? He left his phone home +39797,2,How can stealing be wrong... ...when you get so much karma from it? +39798,3,Why did Zuckerberg create Facebook? He couldn't pass the captcha for Myspace. +39799,0,What do the Romans and I have in common The nailed Jesus and I nailed your mom +39800,2,Found some global warming porn on my son's computer. He didn't even put it in the recycle bin. +39801,0,How did the computer scientist cure his mental disease? He trained his neural network. +39802,3,Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter +39803,3,A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first The leaf. The rope stopped the emo +39804,0,Does clickbait work? Huh. Apparently. +39805,2,I hate being bipolar... It's awesome! +39806,1,No matter how kind you are german kids are Kinder +39807,3,"A man, a woman, and a skunk. A husband and wife were returning from visiting relatives out in the country one cold and wintery night, when they came upon an adolescent skunk that appeared injured in the road. The wife insisted that they stop and render aid to the skunk. Against his wishes the husband stops and picks the skunk up and brings it into the car. The wife exclaims that the skunk is freezing cold and is possibly suffering from hypothermia, to which the husband says “put it up under your dress between your legs to warm it up.” The wife asks “what about the smell?” To which the husbands says “just hold its little nose!”" +39808,2,"I just electrocuted myself How do you current-ly feel? I'm kind of shocked Watt, I didn't hear you I said it hertz a lot" +39809,4,"You know the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket? ""How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"" " +39810,0,How many potatos does it take to kill an Irishman? None. +39811,2,Did you hear that the first Viagra crate imported to Britain was stolen? Police are searching for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods +39812,2,"Last night, I came all over my wife's tits. She was furious this morning when she looked at the birdcage." +39813,2,I’m like Dr. Strange without the PHD and magic cape. Strange... +39814,0,Did that kid who got a toy car stuck in his eye recover OK? I dunno. Wheel see. +39815,1,How does a software developer call the sunrise? Sunget +39816,0,"My friend is an idiot I said ""here is your whisky on the rocks"". He said ""NOICE""." +39817,0,"They say that if you're afraid to speak to groups, imagine that they're naked... That's why I no longer work at the elementary school" +39818,8,"A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. ""Oh, I really liked it,"" she replied, ""especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."" Dumbfounded, her date asked, ""What do you mean?"" ""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!""" +39819,0,What do you call a Mexican that lost his car? Carlos +39820,0,I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why. +39821,1,What's Donald Trump's favorite rock album? The Wall. +39822,2,"How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins" +39823,0,Why did the chicken have a religious experience? To get to the other side. +39824,2,"Tinder is actually the opposite of a porn advertisement There are actually tons of hot singles near me, but none of them are interested in me." +39825,2,"A man says to his doctor ""obesity runs in my family."" The doctor disagrees, replying ""The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; the problem is that no one in your family runs.""" +39826,0,I am going to be arrested today! Because I will be snowden! +39827,1,"An old woman decided to kill herself. When she looked it up, it said ""Place gun under left breast and fire."" She was later admitted to the hospital with a GSW to the knee. " +39828,0,"ISIS buy their C4 at the one dollar shop Sure gives a whole new meaning to ""Bang for the Buck""..." +39829,0,Worst Monday Is when you get your paycheck on Tuesday. +39830,2,"A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it: A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their scores are tied. The host of the contest informs the two men that to break the tie, they'll have 5 minutes to come up with a 4-line poem that must use a word that he's about to reveal to them, upon which the judges will decide who has the best poem. He them gives them the word--Timbuktu--and the 5 minutes starts. When the time is up, the host asks John for his poem, upon which John recites the following: Across the hot and dusty sands rides a desert caravan Men on camels, two by two Destination: Timbuktu The crowd watching the contest erupts with cheers and everyone just assumes John has this contest in the bag. When the cheers subside, the host asks Bubba for his poem, upon with he recites the following: Tim and I a-huntin' went Found some girls in a pop-up tent They was three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two" +39831,0,"Since Eve came fron Adam's ribs? When they had sex, would it technically be called masturbation?" +39832,0,What do you call a trashy bikini top? A dive bra. +39833,1,Why did the coffee bean hide in the tree? He heard he was going to be grounded. +39834,3,I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours. +39835,0,"My friend at lunch I was eating a sandwich at lunch. It was almost gone. My friend says ""why are even saving that, it's like half a bite"" So I eat it and then I say (well I didn't really say it but I thought about saying it) ""if it was only half a bite, how did I eat it in one bite?""" +39836,3,"In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny. It's fun size." +39837,5,"Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked guy walks past The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third nuns arm is just too short to reach" +39838,2,"my dog... Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment? Me: Prof: Me: it took him a couple bytes" +39839,0,I like my men like I like my calculators BOOBLESS +39840,1,"A philosopher, mathematician and an idiot all die and go to heaven. Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. ""Gentlemen,"" the Devil started, ""Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."" The philosopher then stepped up, ""OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."" With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,""Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. ""Then, go to Hell!"" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, ""Bring me a chair!"" The Devil brought forward a chair. ""Drill 7 holes on the seat."" The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, ""Which hole did my fart come out from?"" The Devil inspected the seat and said,""The third hole from the right."" ""Wrong,"" said the idiot, ""it's from my asshole."" And the idiot went to heaven." +39841,7,"A tired american soldier is on a train to london The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her ""may I please have that seat"", the woman replied ""you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here"". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the woman and her dog again. He asks again ""may I please have that seat"". The woman replies again ""not only are you Americans ruda but also arrogant"". The man picked up the dog and threw him out the train window. The woman screamed and yelped for help and justice as a man from the other side of the cart yelled ""It's true you Americans do everything wrong, you eat with the wrong fork, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you threw the wrong bitch out of the window""." +39842,1,"Two elephants were watching a naked man... One elephant turned and asked the other, ""How the hell does he eat with that thing!""" +39843,1,Why would Jesus not fit well in this sub? Because he came up with something original +39844,0,What does a hentai girl miss most after a breakup? Taint-tickles. +39845,2,"Neck Collar A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, ""I see... she caught you at it, too.""" +39846,1,How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? One +39847,1,A good condom slogan... Karen can't take the kids if you don't have any! +39848,1,"Lost my job at the pet store on the very first day A lady came in to buy a spider, I told her she could get one cheaper off the web" +39849,3,"A man was talking to God... Man: God, how much is a million years for you? God: For me, it's just one minute. Man: God, how much is a million dollars for you? God: For me, it's just one penny. Man: God, can I have a penny? God: Wait a minute." +39850,1,Dating a single mother Is a bit like continuing someone else's saved game. +39851,0,Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack +39852,0,What do you call a slutty caterpillar? A caterpillwhore. +39853,1,What's a commonly used phrase with a surprising number of 'D's in it? Your mom. +39854,4,"A boy walks in on his father in the shower. ""What's that?"" He asks. ""This is a penis, son,"" his father replies. ""In fact,"" he continues, deciding to boast: ""This is the world's most perfect penis."" The son then leaves. Later, the boy is playing outside with his sister when he has to pee, so he goes over to a tree and pulls down his pants. ""What's that?"" His sister asks, pointing between his legs. The boy decides to share his newfound knowledge: ""This is a penis,"" he says eloquently. ""In fact,"" he continues: ""If it were 2 inches shorter, it would be the world's most perfect penis.""" +39855,1,Sometimes I wake up grumpy.. Other times I let her sleep +39856,4,"My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. ""Probably failing my driving test,"" I replied " +39857,1,What does an editor do in Eastern Europe? They Czech for errors. +39858,3,"What did the inaugural ribbon for the new hotel say before being cut? Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort" +39859,5,"Wife: Where are you?........ Wife: Where are you? Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure? Husband: Yes. Wife : Turn on the mixer. Husband : (turns mixer on) Rrrreeereeeereeee... Wife: Ok my love goodbye. Another day...... Suspicious Wife: Where are you? Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure? Husband : Yes. Wife: Turn on the mixer. Husband: (turns mixer on) Rrreeereeeereeee... Wife: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, ""Son, where is your father?"" Son: ""I don't know, he went out with the mixer... " +39860,2,"A woman was charged and went to court for beating her husband with his guitar collection The judge spoke saying ""first offender"" when the women chimed in saying ""no, first a Gibson,then a Fender""" +39861,1,"A drunk man has a tooth ache... ...he goes to the local pub, and asks for a drink, saying that one of his tooth hurts, and wants to numb the pain. After one drink, he tells the barman his tooth still hurts, and asks for another drink. Then again, after his second drink, he continues to express his pain, so the barman serves him another, this continues through the whole night. Finally the barman asks: ""Ok... Tell me which is tooth that hurts so I can take it out for you."" The drunk man, drunker than never, removes his denture and points to one of the teeth. ""This one""" +39862,1,"Two guys are standing looking at a flagpole.... ....and a woman walks up and asks what they're looking at. One guy responds, ""We're trying to figure out how to see how tall this thing is."" The lady says, ""That's easy. Take it out of the ground, lay it down, measure it and then put it back."" The guys politely thank her and she goes on her way. After she leaves one of the guys turns to the other and says, ""Dumb broad. We want the height, not the length!""" +39863,0,You ever tried Turkish Coffee before? It's got a little kick to it. +39864,0,Why did Metta World Peace (Ron Artest) leave the basketball game early? He wanted to beat the crowd. +39865,1,"Did you hear about that Reese lady? Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither... Guy 2: Witherspoon? Guy 1: No, with her knife. Classic that I haven't seen for awhile" +39866,5,I actually have a good Japanese joke. Anime'd it myself. +39867,4,"What's green and fuzzy, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table." +39868,0,"Why are rounds in hockey games called ""periods""? Because during it, someone bleeds." +39869,1,It was an odd day I got up at 7. I had three cups of coffee. I arrived at work at 9 I had one meeting Then 5 phone calls. The joke is in the title. +39870,2,Why do teenage girls always travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can’t even... +39871,0,Even though I know its wrong. I don't know whats right... Damn math problems! +39872,0,"All your responses must be oral, okay? Q: ""What school did you go to?"" A: ""Oral.""" +39873,1,"There are two muffins baking in an oven. The first muffin says, ""Man, it sure is hot in here."" The second muffin says, ""Holy shit, a talking muffin!""" +39874,6,"A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine? Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort Teacher: Will you please elaborate? Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine Teacher: What is the true definition? Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected that their relative motions are constrained and by which means, force and motion may be transmitted and modified as a screw and it's nut, or a lever arranged to turn about a fulcrum, or a pulley about it's pivot, etc, especially a construction more or less complex consisting of a combination of moving parts, or simple mechanical elements, as wheels, levers, cams, etc. Teacher: Wonderful! Perfect, please sit down. Student 1: But sir, I said the same thing, in simple language Teacher: If you prefer simple language, join an Arts and Commerce college Student 1: But sir, what's the point of blindly cramming a definition from the book? Teacher: That's enough, get out! Student 1: *Proceeds to walk out, then walks back Teacher: Why are you back? Student 1: I forgot something Teacher: What is it? Student 1: Instruments that record, analyze, summarize, organize, debate, and explain information; that are illustrated, non-illustrated, hard-bound, paperback, jacketed, non-jacketed, with foreword, introduction, table of contents, index that are intended for the enlightenment, understanding, enrichment, enhancement and education of the human brain through the sensory route of vision, sometimes touch. Teacher: What in the world are you talking about? Student 1: Books, sir, I forgot them, may I go ahead? Teacher: Couldn't you have asked simply? Student 1: I tried earlier, sir. It simply didn't work. *Dialogue from the Bollywood film 3 Idiots, thought it was great and I would format it so everybody could enjoy on r/jokes* " +39875,0,I was doing really well in No Nut November... But then I saw some hot posts +39876,0,Did you hear about the millionaire mohel conman? He got rich by ripping off kids and taking the tips. +39877,3,"Murphy’s Law states that... if you don’t know something, the best way to find out is not to ask a question, but to post the wrong answer on the internet claiming to be right and wait on someone to correct you!" +39878,2,Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines What happens next will shock you +39879,0,"IT guys will understand System Administrator never gets ill, he just works from home" +39880,4,"In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor In modern America they tell jokes on reddit" +39881,3,"My daughter came home from school confused. “Dad, the boys in my class are weird”. “Whatever I say, they respond ‘that’s what she said’ and then they all laugh”. So I try to think of a way to tell her that without using rude words, but I just can’t. She looks at me, disappointed, and says “it’s ok daddy, you tried your best”. I answered, “Yea, that’s what she said”, " +39882,2,Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless. +39883,2,"So what do you do? *I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.* So you're like a med rep, but for amputees? *I prefer international arms dealer.*" +39884,2,What do you call it when a pig does karate? Pork chop +39885,0,What event do many schools have where people gather to play video games? eSports Day. +39886,7,My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict. It's called 'Journal.' +39887,0,Tomatoes Are Like Transgender People... You are unsure about what they truly identify as. +39888,1,Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances? Consensual ones included. +39889,2,My neighbors house was robbed and every lamp in his house was stolen. For some odd reason he was delighted. +39890,0,Did you hear about the Kidnapping? He's awake now. +39891,1,What's the opposite of effort? F it. +39892,6,What are the two most important holes in a womans body? No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!! Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick. +39893,0,What's the difference between a white supremacist and Donald Trump? Donald Trump is orange. +39894,2,"A day at the beach A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach... As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." +39895,7,"A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. *Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.* The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”" +39896,0,There’s nothing wrong with having a 4in penis... Most girls just don’t like it that wide. +39897,1,"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: ""Wife wanted."" Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ""You can have mine.""" +39898,1,Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead... +39899,0,"Three friends work in a skyscraper All three friends work at the 60th floor. One day the elevator doesn't work so they have to take the stairs. The three friends make a decision that one of them will sing for 20 floors, the next will make jokes for the next 20 floors and the last friend will tell tall tales for the last 20 floors. Once the friends reach the 40th floor the friends had a great time. The songs and jokes were appreciated. Now it's the turn of the last friend, and the tall tales are also very much appreciated. When they reach the door of their office at the 60th floor the friend of the tall tales and says: ""I have another tall tale for you guys, I forgot the keys to the office...""" +39900,4,Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now.. And that’s where I sleep. +39901,3,Every yo momma joke has been done thousands of times. Kinda like yo momma. +39902,1,TIL that Smartphones are now the #1 ranked hand held device. That means Penis has slipped to second place. +39903,0,Who delivers christmas presents to great white babies? Santa Jaws +39904,4,"You don't see that everyday. A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker meant slow down. While the Ferrari was towing the tractor, a Lamborghini zoomed passed. The Ferrari driver forgot all about the tractor and the farmer and floored it. The two sports cars tore down the high way at incredible speeds. After awhile, the racers passed a police car and the police car radioed ahead about the speeders. ""Hey yeah, this is Jim. I'm warning you about a Ferrari and Lamborghini racing at 190 mph. But what you really need to be careful about is the tractor trying to pass them on the left.""" +39905,0,"Went to the same movie 7 times So, this guy went to watch the same movie 7 times. His friends asked, it was that good? He said not really it was a OK movie. So, his friends were confused. :why did you go 7 times then? : well in the movie, this hot girl goes for skinny dipping. But right when she is about to take the top off a train next to the river passes by, blocking the view. I heard that train schedules are not reliable. I was hoping it will be late for once." +39906,0,"Little Johnny goes inside the house Johnny: Mom, can I go swing Grandma? Mom: No, first we have to find out why she hung herself" +39907,3,"The kid next door challenged me to a water fight what's up guys, I'm just here killing time while the water boils" +39908,0,"Apple's stock quote has fallen a bit If it would wear a new Apple Watch Series 4, it would surely detect the fall!" +39909,1,What did the drunk guy do when he went back in time? He slept an extra hour. +39910,5,"As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach. That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!" +39911,1,What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip +39912,2,Let he has never told a bad joke Cast the first tomato +39913,2,"Irishman is on his deathbed... Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. ""Lord take me now!"" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. ""I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's oatmeal cookies!"" So he climbs out of bed and climbs down the stairs and crawls out to the kitchen. He reaches up to get a cookie and the miss's catches him. She smacks his hand with the spatula and says, ""Fuck off! They're for your funeral!""" +39914,3,"After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it" +39915,2,Why are Egyptians so good at farting? They have good Sphinxters +39916,2,"My grammar may be poor, but my grilling is impeccable. I'd steak my reputation on that." +39917,2,So sad that EA won't have a conference at E3 this year. Now who am I going to laugh at? +39918,4,Why are they called Hemorrhoids? Because Asteroids was already taken +39919,1,"The two general types of equestrian saddle are English saddles and stock saddles. The main difference between them is that stock saddles have a horn. If you confuse one for the other, you will be saddley mistaken." +39920,2,"I just finished deadlifting 1000 pounds off the ground. For you Americans, that's 1275 dollars. It's my most expensive lift to date." +39921,3,A moron attempted to commit suicide... ... they failed to find the edge of the Earth. +39922,2,"What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car? A toy Yoda driving a Toyota." +39923,0,"A sexy girl has moved in next door to me. All I want to know is, how long should I wait... Until I go over there and tell her that I'm married." +39924,1,What do creationists and neutron stars have in common? Density +39925,3,"Apple have talked about their most recent iPhone recently, The sales team seems to think it was a huge 6s" +39926,2,When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet It's some next level shit +39927,1,"Gimmie that money A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50." +39928,0,"Late Night Murder What did the killer say after murdering the talk show host? ""Badam Tish""" +39929,2,Whats the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong? The amount Xi has been drinking. +39930,1,"When I was younger, I used to hide my condoms in a Battlefield video game case. When I was younger, I used to hide my condoms in a Battlefield video game case. One day, I brought a girl home so we could bump nasties. As I was about to make love to her, I remembered my condoms. I got up, went over to my shelf, pulled open the case, and got the condom out. The girl who was with me asked ""do you keep condoms in all of your game cases? I looked at her and replied *only in Battlefield* " +39931,0,I'm a virgin I'm butt hurt about not making anyone's butt hurt. +39932,1,My girlfriend got angry when she found out I paid for pussy She said she doesn’t support cat mills and if I wanted a kitten I should have adopted instead. +39933,0,"A guy calls the hospital and says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!” The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?” To which he replies, “No! This is her fucking husband!”" +39934,0,"The bats will get ya One day, a man walks into a bar in Florida. He asks the bartender for a beer, to which he replies ""Sorry, can't do that, the bats'll getcha."" Confused but sober, the man decides to drive a mile down the road to the next bar. He walks in and asks the bartender for a beer. ""Sorry friend, can't do that for you, the bats'll getcha."" Becoming annoyed, he tries driving to the farthest bar from his home town, on the border of Georgia. He angrily requested a beer from this bar, to which he was told ""Sorry, no beer, the bats'll getcha"" The man is now livid at this point, just wanting a pint after a long day at work. But he won't give up now. He's determined. He drives an hour into Georgia and finds a tiny bar in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. Being the only patron, he's sure they'll sell him a beer. However, the man wasn't so lucky. ""Can't sell you a beer man, the bats'll getcha."" Beyond enraged, the man drives another 4 hours into eastern Alabama. He finds a crowded bar and sees people drinking beer. ""Fucking finally"" He walks in, asks for a beer, and the bartender happily hands him a pint. The man downs the beer, and calls it a night as he has a long drive home. He walked out the door of the bar and The bats got him. " +39935,3,People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones..... but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo +39936,0,Did you hear about the guy that burned off his eye lids in a kitchen fire? The grease got so hot it caught fire when he tried to put it out it splashed up into his face burning his eyelids clean off. The doctors took his foreskin to make new eye lids. The procedure was a success but it left him a little cock-eyed. +39937,1,What did the store clerk say to the cosmologist? Did you find everything? +39938,3,"A postman is on his last day of work before retiring So as he is making his last run, he stops at a house to deliver their mail. An old woman opens the door and invites him for coffee so he has a cup of coffee. At the next house this happens again so he once again drinks a cup of coffee. At the next house a stunning young woman opens the door wearing only her underwear. She asks the postman if he wants a cup of coffee and of course he says yes to the woman, because he is getting old and probably won't get a chance to have coffee with such a beautiful woman any time soon. After coffee the woman asks if he wants to go up to the bedroom, he does so and they have wild sex all night long. When he wakes up in the morning the woman asks if he wants some breakfast. He is very hungry so he decides breakfast isnt a bad idea. While eating breakfast the woman puts a ten dollar bill on the table. The postman then asks what its for. The woman tells him that after hearing that he was about to retire, she asked her husband what they should do for the postman to celebrate his retirement. Then her husband said: ""fuck the postman give him ten bucks"" and the breakfast was my idea." +39939,6,"A suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of the class. He said, ""Now pay attention. I'm only going to show you this once.""" +39940,0,The web developers are so nice They always call back! +39941,3,What's the difference in roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. +39942,10,What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction. +39943,2,What do you call a Mexican that's in the rebellion? A Rogue Juan +39944,0,"Youve heard of a dine-and-dash, but what's it called when you're getting a haircut? A clip and dip. " +39945,7,[presidential test post] pls ignore +39946,0,"I don't know why /r/deadbedrooms complains so much about starfish sex. Personally, it really turns me on when her arms grow back." +39947,2,What ethnicity is a nervous snake? Hiss-panic. +39948,6,I got Inside a vacuum chamber once. It was breath taking. +39949,0,"pigment operation Joe had been going out with sally for a few months and he was head over heels even had bought a ring in hopes of popping the question, one day after work he came home to find her suitcases by the front door and asked what was going on. She explained it was over and she was leaving him he asked if there was anything he could do to keep her she replied...""yeah you could be black."" Dumbstruck by the response joe was left broken hearted but after a few days decided to see a plastic surgeon to see if he could do anything for him because he loved her that much. The doctor said you're in luck, we just happen to be working on a pigmentation adjustment procedure We will darking your skin color 3 shades, then we will remove a quarter of your brain and finally we will add 3inches to your penis. Scared but willing joe agreed and went ahead with the procedure. While in post op the doc came in and said, ""well joe there was a bit of a hiccup, instead of darkening your skin 3 shades we were only able to get it to about 2, instead of taking away a quarter of your brain we pulled out half and instead of adding 3 inches to your dick we accidentally cut 3 inches off...joe do you understand what has happened?"" To which joe replied.....""si senor"" " +39950,5,"An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, ""Ah, you're an engineer - you're assigned to hell."" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan on the telephone. ""So, how's it going down there in hell?"" God says. ""Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!"" Satan says. ""What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!"" God says. ""No way! I like having an engineer on the staff - I'm keeping him!"" Satan says. ""Send him back up here or I'll sue!"" God says. Satan laughs uproariously and answers: ""Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?""" +39951,1,What did the trash can say to the diaper? I’m fed up of this shit +39952,6,"Whoever stole my copy of Office 365, I will find you You have my Word." +39953,3,"I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate' Her: no you don't Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i. Note: true story" +39954,2,What do you call a frog parked illegally? Toad +39955,0,I've always wanted to tell an UDP joke... But you might not get it. +39956,3,"Went to the shop earlier today, saw a man throwing all the milk, cheese, yoghurt etc I thought to myself... ""How dairy?""." +39957,3,"I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, ""What is commonly found in cells?"" I guess my teacher didn't think ""black people"" was a good answer." +39958,0,Why do you never encounter blind Spaniards? They can all sí. +39959,3,"A teenager is walking down the street... He's dressed up in all leather with spikes and studs and has a mohawk dyed like a rainbow. He notices an old man on a porch up ahead staring him down intensely. He just smiles to himself and keeps walking. As he passes the house, he sees the old man has yet to take his eyes off him. Finally he calls out, ""What's the problem, old timer? Never did anything crazy in your day?"" The old man's face goes blank as he processes the question. ""Yeah, of course I did,"" he starts. ""I was remembering the time I fucked a parrot and thought you might be my son.""" +39960,3,Dead baby jokes..... They never get old. +39961,0,"I was thinking that today I should dump this girl that I have been seeing then again, maybe not yet, stock up on nuts for the upcoming winter.." +39962,1,I think my watch is hungry. It went back four seconds. +39963,0,What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles +39964,0,What do you call a beautiful woman who held onto a grenade for too long? Butterfingers. +39965,1,How can you tell a good drummer and a bad drummer apart? Bad drummers don't call their mom on Mother's Day. +39966,1,"It's school safety week. My teacher said, ""If you see something, say something."" So I said, ""I see you've got a pair of great tits."" I don't know why she's upset." +39967,0,"Ever heard the story of the Swiss army general that was married to the trans girl? Everybody knows that the Swiss army knife has a bunch of extra parts on it so that it can be useful in a lot of scenarios so, it comes as no surprise that a Swiss general would want a wife with extra parts." +39968,2,"A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with te letters C Z W I N O S T A C Z. “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”" +39969,2,What do caviar and Michael Jackson have in common? They both come on little crackers. +39970,0,Guy 1: Izzy is getting a sex change. Guy 2: Is he? +39971,2,I like my coffee how i like my women without a penis +39972,1,Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. +39973,0,What are three naked girls on a six-pack beer? In the way... +39974,4,"What did the lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? ""See you next month""" +39975,0,What did the gorilla make his house out of? KONG-crete!!!!! +39976,1,"There are 2 chickens in a barn, one says: ""tok, tok, tok, tok, tok"". The other replies: ""are you tokking to me""?" +39977,2,I keep having hallucinations of pickles. My therapist says I'm dillusional. +39978,1,"A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.” Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?” Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?” Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair." +39979,4,"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog." +39980,2,"What shouts "" I'm vegan "" ? A Vegan." +39981,2,"Difference between Physics, Philosophy and Theology Physics is like going after a black cat in a dark room. Philosophy is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded. Theology is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded, shouting ""Heureka, I found her!""" +39982,2,She ded Me: if you didn’t have feet would you still wear shoes? Her: no! Me: then why are you putting on a bra +39983,0,"A Jewish child is playing alone in the dust as suddenly Hitler passes by. ""Hello,"" he says, ""are you looking for your parents?""" +39984,0,Why do lesbians have belly buttons? To hold the tartar sauce. +39985,4,"Three logicians walk into another bar The bartender asks: ""Does anyone want a drink?"" The first logician says: ""Yes!"" The second logician says: ""Yes!"" The third logician says: ""Yes!"" The bartender pours drinks for all of them. The second logician says: ""I didn't want a drink."" The third logician says: ""Neither did I.""" +39986,3,I lost my job as a trapeze artist. One day they just let me go +39987,2,"The three most arguably important historical revolutions: The Russian, the French, and dance dance" +39988,1,How many Remainers does it take to change a light bulb? None. ​ Why change? They're happy sitting in the dark. +39989,0,The library where I work just hired a Cajun head Librarian... Transitioning to the Andouille Decimal System has been a difficult adjustment. +39990,5,"I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books... She asked, ""How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"" I replied, ""It's a long story...""" +39991,0,"So hitler is walkinf down a hallway So Hitler is walking down a hallway He goes around the corner and into his bedroom and sees a Jewish person on the TV He asks ""Why the hell is there a dead jewish person on top of my televison?!"" Ava speaks up ""It is a good Shoah""" +39992,1,"Friend just sent me this, I thought it was pretty funny me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier sperm bank employee: what glass of milk me: the glass of milk that was sitting in your desk sperm bank employee: oh my god me: what sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk " +39993,0,What do you get when you have the ghost of a French Viking? Paranorman +39994,3,"I was on the phone with my wife and said, ""I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."" After a twenty second pause, I asked, ""You still there sweetheart?"" ""Yeah."" she replied. ""But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.""" +39995,0,Eminem reminds me of the prostitute that was fired last week He didn’t give a f*ck whenever he needed to +39996,0,"Did you know that before Bobby Fischer ever picked up a chess piece, he used to play checkers? I guess you could say he had a checkered past." +39997,2,Why did the straight buffalo dad march in the pride parade? [OC] To proudly support his Bison. +39998,2,"Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog He sat and sighed beside the road - His engine's gasket blown. His car was old and cold and towed. The man was left alone. - 'I need to find a place to stay Until it's fixed,' he spoke - But as he rose to walk away Arrived a band of folk. - They said: 'You're warmly welcome here To while away the night! We're godly monks, and living near - We walk the path of light.' - With thanks, the man inclined his head, And through the dusky gloom - He followed where the Abbot led, Who showed him to a room. - 'Goodnight and fare thee well to you - Sleep tight!' the Abbot said. 'And may your dreams be just and true, Inside your humble bed.' - But when he tried to sleep, he found A noise that started small - The most surprising, splendid sound Emerging through the wall. - It made him think of sirens song - The secret chimes of Mars - The shrouded space where dreams belong - The voice beyond the stars. - It made him think of hearts that yearn - The rhymes of wings unfurled - The passing beat of time to turn - The light beneath the world. - It made him think of love and peace - The silent bliss behind - The perfect place where problems cease To vex the waking mind. - The morning broke. The man awoke. 'What was it, monks?' he cried. 'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke - 'You're not a monk,' they sighed. - 'But what a sense the sounds evoke! Oh tell me, friends!' he cried. 'Alas, we cannot say,' they spoke - 'You're not a monk,' they sighed. - 'I have to know!' the man explained, And so, without remorse - He joined the house, and prayed and trained, To find the noise's source. - He took the Test of Absent Bliss - The Woes of Anguish Drowned - He braved the Gulf of Faith's Abyss - And all to find the sound. - He stood before the Secret Sect - The Path of Rousing Ploys - He stepped the steps of Last Respect - And all to find the noise. - He crossed the Gate of Constant Grief - The Voids of Now and Then - He walked the Road of Lost Belief - To hear it once again. - And when he'd pained and strained and bled, And most his life had passed - 'You're ready now,' the others said, 'To see the source at last.' - They took him where the air was fair, And where, inside a trunk... I'd love to tell you what was there. Alas, you're not a monk." +39999,1,"A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father ""Daddy, what are they doing?"" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says ""they're just making a puppy."" ""OK"" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him ""Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says ""me and mommy were making a baby."" His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies ""flip mommy over, I want a puppy!""" +40000,3,Why do so many people think Jesus is coming back? He was nailed to a cross not a boomerang. +40001,4,"A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus. The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - ""What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"" The old man replied - ""I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson""." +40002,1,"How are tornadoes and women alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave!" +40003,3,"I know the feeling... An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. ""Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work,"" he told the doctor. ""Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."" ""Yes,"" said the surgeon. ""I know the feeling.""" +40004,0,"I went to the doctor today. My doctor told me that if I had one more drink that it would kill me. You should have seen the expression on his face when I kissed him, and thanked him profusely. ""What are you so happy about?"", he asked. I confessed, ""I planned on killing myself this weekend, but my last pay check isn't enough to buy hookers, booze, and a gun." +40005,3,Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they....lactose +40006,3,I've just realised why I don't like tofu It's literally just a curd to me +40007,0,I like to study highways you could say I'm a roads scholar +40008,0,My girlfriend Diana unplugged my Mario game... I told her to go die-ana hole. +40009,0,"I just invented a new word, do you guys want to hear it? Plagrrism" +40010,9,"Pretty women sneezes At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. ""This is so embarrassing,"" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. ""I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?"" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, ""You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"" ""No,"" she replies. ""You just happened to catch my eye.""" +40011,0,Did you see the post in r/history about the asteroid that just missed Earth? *Commet removed by moderator* +40012,1,Did you know you have to swim to get into Scottish Houses? It's because there's always a loch on the door! :D +40013,1,"THAT SMILE A reporter asks Bill Clinton,. 'What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?"" He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across.""" +40014,6,"Roses are red, Roses are red, violets are red, trees are red, grass is red, ​ fu\\*k my garden's on fire" +40015,0,"A man walks into a bar A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. As he's serving him, the barkeep notices lots of tractor badges sewn all over his jacket and says: ""What's with all the tractor badges on your jacket?"" The man replies: ""I'm just really into tractors! I've been obsessed with them since I was a young lad and I've collected these badges from years of going to tractor exhibition's."" The man becomes a regular in the bar and always comes in wearing his jacket with the tractor badges. After a few months the man comes in wearing plain clothes. The puzzled barkeep asked: ""Where's the jacket today, mate? It's the first I've seen you in here without it."" The man replies: ""Aw don't ask, I'm sick of tractors. Can't even look at them anymore so I got rid of the jacket and all my possessions relating to tractors. My models, the lot!"" So the man sits and enjoys a few pints. After a while the bar starts to fill up with smoke, the man stands up, takes a deep breath in, walks outside and exhales. He does this a few times before sitting back down to finish off his pint. The barkeeper says: ""Here, what was that all about, what were you doing?"" The man replies: ""I'm an ex-tractor fan.""" +40016,0,"I pulled over to help an older man with a flat tire I was surprised to find it was my favorite author, George R. R. Martin! He was very grateful for my assistance. “As a reward, how about I name a character in the Game of Thrones series after you?” “Really? I’d love that!” I responded. “I’ll ever let you decide what happens to your character: do you want him to be disfigured, raped, tortured, or murdered?” Mr. Martin could see the look of horror on my face and laughed. “I’m just kidding! I wouldn’t make you choose. He’ll get all four, just like everyone else.” " +40017,2,What do you call a Gungan with bad dental hygiene? Tartar Binks +40018,0,My physics prof keeps mentioning erections Guess she's just missing the D +40019,5,Why do cemeteries have fences? Because people are dying to get in. +40020,0,"Eminem just wrote a new song about throwing his mother into a black hole. ""Mom's spaghettification.""" +40021,0,Why is 7 worse than 6? Because 7 can't do jack shit. +40022,2,How do roads multiply? They fork +40023,1,Why was the poker game at the zoo cancelled? Some believed that there was a cheetah among them. +40024,5,"The only ""B"" word you should call a woman is ""beautiful"" Because bitches love being called beautiful." +40025,2,Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man walked past with his cock out ... two of them had a stroke The third one couldn't reach +40026,6,"Smaller babies are always delivered by stork... but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**. Edit: Heh, didn't expect a terrible pun to be my most upvoted post." +40027,2,Two old ladies were walking down the street... When a man ran up and flashed them. One of them had a stroke. The other couldn't reach. +40028,3,How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just beat the room for being black. +40029,1,"Whenever I feel down about my dating life, at least I can get a Chinese takeaway... ...they always send noods." +40030,0,Why do i think my mom is racist? Because she hung up on me when i told her i got a black eye at a party yesterday. She didn't even let me tell her what the fight was about. +40031,0,I really admire Van Gogh's work His early ears were probably his best! +40032,1,Whats a plumbers favourite holiday Sink-o de mayo +40033,0,Kenn Dodd died! Did he? Doddy. +40034,2,Why can’t two Chinese people have a white baby? Because two wongs don’t make a white. +40035,0,My friend attempted to make a cocktail... but she didn't have the Bols. +40036,0,What's the space called between Nandos Entrance and Back Door? Peri Peri-neum +40037,1,"Two cannibals kill some guy and are about to eat him... ""How do we want to do this? I know: I'll start at the head, you start at the feet, and we'll meet at the middle!"" After a few minutes, the first one asks ""How ya doin down there?"" ""I'm having a ball!"" ""Slow down mother fucker, save some for both of us!!!""" +40038,0,"I know how to make you giggle, Bon mot" +40039,1,We don't like reposts. Here we call it upvoting. +40040,3,"Two Rabbis meet on the street Two Rabbis meet on the street. “Oy vey! It’s terrible that such thing should happen to me,” says the first Rabbi. “Calm down, calm down”, says the second Rabbi, “tell me what has happened.” “It’s my son”, continues the first Rabbi, “he has turned Christian!” “You know it’s funny you should bring this to me”, says the second Rabbi, “my son has also recently turned Christian.” “Well what should we do about it?” says the first Rabbi clearly distressed and beside himself with anguish. “We should go to the Synagogue and Pray!” says the second Rabbi in a fervent determined tone. So the two Rabbis find their way to the nearest Synagogue and begin to pray beseechingly to God. “Oh Lord help us find our way, our sons have turned Christian!” Suddenly a voice from above fills the Synagogue, “You know it’s funny you should bring this to me...”" +40041,1,Today my girlfriend made me go to the Women's March But all we did was stand around. +40042,3,What’s a wind turbine’s favourite kind of music? Well I don’t know much but I’d say they’re a big metal fan +40043,0,"I have finally decided to do something about my chronic masturbation... I have finally decided to do something about my chronic masturbation, so I went up to someone and asked him if he could help me. He seemed annoyed and said ""go fuck yourself"", so I did." +40044,3,If you get an email that says canned ham can cause swine flu.. Just delete it because it's Spam +40045,1,What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots? Cheat-o's +40046,1,Party Pooper Why isn’t Count Dracula invited to more parties? Because he’s a pain in the neck! +40047,2,"Best Love Poem Ever? Worked For Me. Roses are red, Nuts are brown, Mouths are wide open It's the best in town Girls really love it, It isn't a sin So when it goes stiff, Stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer its in the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, Its not what you think... Its a fucking tea bag." +40048,3,"Asked my wife ""Would you rather...? Me: Would you rather me get bit in the dick by a snake and the only way to save my dick is to give me blowies every single day for the rest of your life, OR have my dick just fall off? Wife: I guess I would give you head.... **Serious question:** Does anyone know where I can find a snake?" +40049,6,If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package... Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought. +40050,1,Donald Trump The only man to pay a porn star to keep her mouth shut +40051,2,My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore. Now she knows. +40052,0,What did the momma burrito say to her baby burrito? Don't piss me off or I'll chimichancla your ass! I'm so sorry. +40053,1,"A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungai!” " +40054,4,How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat. She fits in your wife’s clothes. +40055,0,"I was shopping at the department store when ten number-aisles full of drawers and cash registers simultaneously dived onto the floor To this day, I still haven't forgotten the 'Stock/Market' crash of 19-29" +40056,2,"An old married couple is laying in bed one night And the woman turns to the man and says, ""we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"" The man says, ""No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."" But the wife insists and she says, ""no I want you to remarry if I die, but the next question is will you take down my pictures after you remarry."" The husband says, ""How could I? I would want to keep your memory on until my dying days. But the wife isn't satisfied and she asks one more question, ""Would you give her my golf clubs?"" And the husband says, ""Of course not she's left handed.""" +40057,2,"Father: “Son, you were adopted” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 30 minutes.”" +40058,1,Why do hospitals have air conditioning? To keep the vegetables fresh +40059,0,What did the emo kid put in the bath to relax? NSFW A toaster. +40060,0,What’s the hardest part of baking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair in the oven. +40061,1,Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked out his problems with a number 2 pencil. +40062,1,What type of Asian is Genghis Khan? InvASIAN +40063,0,"I've started eating vagin recently ""Don't you mean vegan?"" ""No, I only eat pussy!""" +40064,0,What did the indian say when the dog jumped off the cliff? Dog gone +40065,4,What's worse than finding a fly in you soup? Getting hit by a bus +40066,0,Two peanuts walked into a seedy bar One of them was a-salted. EDIT: Ag okay fine. Changed it. 🙂 +40067,2,I made a YouTube video on diseases... It went viral. +40068,2,Mary had a little lamb. The event made medical history. +40069,0,Donald trump already has a private jet he plans on putting in production for his presidency. He's calling it the hair force one. +40070,1,Why did one european country eat the other? Because it was Hungary +40071,9,I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out. +40072,1,"Engineering Class My teacher tells me there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't..." +40073,0,"If Donald Trump is elected President, it would be more appropriate if we change the eagle on the Great Seal of the United States... to a hummingbird. Because hummingbird is the only species of bird that can fly backward, signifying the country's backward progression. P.S. Got the idea from the Coats of Arms of Australia." +40074,4,In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit.. I’m glad that everyone reading this is on the same page. +40075,7,How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed? Hela Fast. +40076,0,Did you hear about the fiddlers who died fighting ISIS? When will they learn that violins never solves anything. +40077,0,My friend said I made a typo in my joke But I just don't C it +40078,1,I once found an egg with two chickens in it That was my best yolk. +40079,0,Magic! A farmer was driving his tractor down a muddy road and then suddenly he turned into a field! +40080,0,"Interviewer: ""Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"" Candidate: ""Let me check my Jira backlog. Hang on.. Ok, on this page.. then this page.. 5 years.. hmm... It looks like I will be watching Dragon Ball Super 2."" Interviewer: ..." +40081,1,"I didn't know what was up until I spoke with my therapist In other words, he gave my life direction" +40082,2,"A wife is watching a cooking show The husband walks in and says ""Why are you watching a cooking show? You don't even know how to cook!"" The wife replies, ""Well you watch porn...""" +40083,2,WAYS TO SAY NO 1. I want to spend more time with my blender. 2. The man on television told me to say tuned. 3. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 4. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 5. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 6. I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 7. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 8. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 9. My plot to take over the world is thickening. 10. I have to fulfill my potential. 11. It's too close to the turn of the century. 12. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 13. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 14. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 15. I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 16. I'm trying to be less popular. 17. I have to study for a blood test. 18. I prefer to remain an enigma. 19. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. +40084,5,What do ducks smoke Quack +40085,2,"Freddie died in a fire Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames. The next day a police officer finds James and Thomas at the local pub. After explaining the incident the officer asks the two men to come to the mortuary to identify the body. At the mortuary the officer says that he will take them in one by one. Officer: ""Look, we found the body in Freddie's bed so we are pretty sure it is him. We just need you to confirm it. We will be in and out as quick as possible."" James agrees to go first, enters the room and the police officer uncovers the body. James: ""oh, he's very badly burnt. I'm not sure I can confirm if that is freddie. Could you turn him over please?"" The officer agrees and turns over the body. James: ""No, I'm sorry but that's not Freddie."" The officer is a bit perplexed by this but takes the man at his word none the less. Officer: ""Okay James, thanks for your assistance. Can you send in Thomas in on the way out?"" Thomas enters the room and the officer once again uncovers the body. Thomas: ""oh, he's very badly burnt. I'm not sure I can confirm if that is freddie. Could you turn him over?"" The officer agrees once again and turns over the body. Thomas: ""No, I'm sorry but that's not Freddie."" Just as Thomas is about to leave the officer asks: ""Hang on a minute. You said exactly the same as James as soon as I turned the body over. How can you be so sure it isn't Freddie?"" Thomas: ""Well officer, whenever we were walking around in town, people always used to say - oh look, theres Freddie with the two arseholes.""" +40086,0,Being a broke university student sucks I pay 8000$ a year in tuition which is a lot of money to me so I don't want to waste my experience at school. I also pay 12$ a month for Netflix and that's a lot of money to me so I don't want it to go to waste... I guess I can't study anymore +40087,3,"One mans trash... ""One man's rubbish is another man's treasure"" is a fantastic Idiom. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid that he's adopted." +40088,7,How do you confuse a feminist Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female Edit: thanks I came back seeing a lot of upvote. This made my day +40089,1,I was surprised to hear about the death of Kim Jong Nam earlier this week. I didn't even know he was Kim Jong Ill. +40090,4,"How many germans does it take, to change a lightbulb? One. We're very efficient and have no sense of humor. " +40091,0,"At the end of every McDonald's commercial, they say ""Prices and participation may vary."" I want to own a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. ""Hi, can I have a quarter-pounder?"" ""No, you may not. We've got spaghetti and blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children."" R.I.P. Mitch" +40092,0,What's another name for a dinosaur? Not sure let me check a thesaurus. +40093,5,"Dress for the job you want, they said. Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option." +40094,2,If the “southpaws” got their name from a guy who pointed his paw to the south.. How did the Eastwoods get theirs? +40095,1,"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (No eye deer) What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no sexual organs? Still no fucking idea!" +40096,0,"What did the fairy say as she bowed down? ""This is the last time I granted a fucking wish.""" +40097,1,Why did the communist throw up after he ate alt he cake It was too rich +40098,1,"Virus Alert # There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: ""VIRUS ALERT!"" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da\\[agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1 as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!" +40099,5,"The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed." +40100,2,What do you call a brave disabled kid? Cerebral-Ballsy +40101,0,They say dads are like boomerangs I hope +40102,2,How do Communists celebrate Valentine's Day By seizing the means of reproduction. +40103,2,"Ever heard of a cajew? It's like a canoe, but guaranteed to never tip." +40104,1,"Once Upon a Time In a Small Jewish Village in Ukraine... ... a farmer had been saving up his money, all his life, to buy a bull. Finally having enough money, he takes the long walk to Kiev and comes back with a strong bull. It is the strongest bull the village has ever seen. Big, beautiful, and a hard worker, the farmer is overjoyed! He rents the bull out to pull plows and pull carts and, by year's end, the farmer has enough money to buy a sow. He takes the long walk to Kiev and comes back with a fine sow. It is the finest sow the village has ever seen, and the farmer is excited at the idea of his bull and his sow having the finest calfs in the village. But no matter how many times the bull tries to mount the sow, she resists. The farmer is getting worried that he will not have any calfs. So he goes to the Rabbi. He tells the Rabbi how the sow, though beautiful, won't let the bull mount her. The Rabbi brushes his beard and says, ""my child, this sow must be from Kiev."" Astounded, the farmer says, ""yes Rabbi, how did you know?"" ""Because,"" sighs the Rabbi, ""my wife is from Kiev.""" +40105,2,"A dildo hits the windshield of a car. Girl: Mom, what was it? Mom: nothing sweetheart, just a big insect. Girl: he had a huge cock though!" +40106,0,"My blonde girlfriend asked, ""what's your favourite position""? I replied CEO. And, she said I'd love to try that." +40107,1,Dogged I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon. +40108,0,So this happened in my class today My Lecturer from the States: How did Columbus fund his expedition? Me : Colonization +40109,0,A black girl was asking me how white brits can drink so much tea throughout the day I told her its because we have the water to do it +40110,4,What do near-sighted gynecologists and little puppies have in common? A wet nose +40111,1,"Dad rocks,son shocked! Son - ""Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"" Dad - ""Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential.""" +40112,1,"Hey Ryu, where’s Ken at? He’s not at his desk. He Doookin’! Oh, okay, thanks. " +40113,2,"As the man of the house, I always have the last word. ""yes, dear""" +40114,2,What’s the one place in school where it’s not weird to get a boner Wood shop +40115,1,I just clipped the worst ingrown toe-nail... It was a feet. +40116,2,What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. +40117,0,Why do rappers forget things? Offset Dementia +40118,3,My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but... I know it ain’t sheep. +40119,0,"Goldfinger abducts James Bond and takes him to a clothes-manufacturing facility. ""Do you expect me to chalk?"" ""No, Mr Bond; I expect you to dye.""" +40120,2,You know the difference between a hippo and a zippo Ones really heavy and the other is a little lighter +40121,1,What do you call a really dumb zipper? A zipshit. +40122,1,Good News: The Giant Panda is no longer considered 'Endangered'. Bad News: It's now considered 'Extinct'. +40123,0,Anyone else hear what they call VR porn these days? That's right. Stimulation Simulation +40124,1,"'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness. 'Is anything the matter?' ""Well, your Honour,"" said the witness, ""I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.""  " +40125,5,"A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby. Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby. ""How nice!"" said the teacher. ""Yeah,"" they agreed. ""He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!""" +40126,0,What does a mechanical engineer have in common with a social justice warrior? Tolerance +40127,1,how do fish get high? by seaweed +40128,2,How much nice guys do you need to screw a lightbulb None because they will just compliment it and then whine about how it doesn't want to screw them +40129,0,How was the election rigged? Through the Electoral College. +40130,4,"There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin" +40131,4,"The farmer and his sons... A farmer, raising alone his children of age 8 and 20 in an abandoned valley, goes for a stroll. When he reaches the lake, he actually sees his cow, dead on the grass. 'Oh no,' he shouts! 'I would sell this cow and get enough supplies to survive this winter with my children. How am I supposed to feed them now?' Suddenly, a human-sized fairy in lingerie jumps out of the water, sparkling all over her body. 'Hey farmer. If you can **** me a hundred times, I will revive the cow for you.' The old man, whose wife was gone for too many years, didn't miss the opportunity, gets undressed, starts pleasing the fairy, cums 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 16 times... His old body couldn't take it anymore and he dies... The eldest son, after a couple of hours gets worried and starts calling for his father. When he reaches the lake, he faces both the corpse of the cow and his father. 'Oh no', the boy shouts! 'Father? Why? How? I can' t raise my little brother alone. Even the cow is dead, what am i supposed to do? ' The fairy jumps out of the river and stops his tears. 'Hey sexy boy. **** me a hundred times and I will revive both your father and the cow'. The boy gets crazy, in his teen years his blood boils, he starts pleasing her 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 30, 33, 34... His body succumbs and he falls dead. High noon, and the 8 year old boy gets worried about his family. He starts looking around, and, when he arrives to the river, he comes across all of the corpses. 'Oh no', the boy cries. 'Father! Brother! Why? How can I survive alone?' The fairy immediately jumps out of the water. 'Hey kid. **** me a hundred times and I will revive all of them for you.' The boy, wipes his tears, gets undressed, and starts pleasing the fairy 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100, 200, 400 times, until the fairy can't take it anymore and dies. The boy looks at her dead body with disapporoval. 'Predictable. Even the cow couldn't handle it, and you believed you could?'" +40132,1,"A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich... and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a second thought. The man comes back the next night and gets the same waitress as the night before. The man and the Ostrich order the same exact thing. They finish eating and she brings her the bill. The Ostrich takes a long drag and the man, once again, pulls exactly enough money out of his pocket. The waitress is intrigued by how he’s able to count his money so fast, but still doesn’t really think about it too much. This process continues through every night for several days until finally the waitress asks him “How are you able to count your money so fast?” And so the man tells her “Well, I met a genie not too long ago. He gave me 3 wishes. I wished that I could pull exactly enough money out of my pocket at any given moment.” The waitress exclaims “Wow! That’s brilliant! You’ll never run out of money, and don’t have to worry about going to the bank! But what were your other two wishes?” The man sighs and tells her “Well, my second wish was that I was 6 feet tall, and my third wish was for a tall smokin’ hot chick that wants all the same things as me and will never leave me alone.” The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette and excuses itself to the restroom." +40133,1,"Convention A man boarded an aircraft in NY and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, ""Business trip or vacation?"" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ""Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."" He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ""What's your business role at this convention?"" ""Lecturer,"" she responded. ""I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."" ""Really,"" he smiled, ""What myths are those?"" ""Well,"" she explained, ""one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."" Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ""I'm sorry,"" she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name.. ""Running Bear,"" the man said....""Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie.""" +40134,0,"A man went to his doctor for a health checkup. The doctor revealed to him that he was missing one testicle. He went home and told the news to his dad. ""Dad, i'm missing one of my ball"" Upon hearing that, the father was in extreme shock. ""My god, what has school been teaching you? It's balls, not ball!""" +40135,1,"An American shoe and an Australian married shoe enter a bar.... The Australian shoes says to his friend ""I got a big favor to ask you,could you nail my soulmate, please?"" ""Really? Wont you get mad?!"" ""Of course not, youre my best friend"" ""But...why?!"" ""Its something i cant do myself since i dont feel confident enough"" ""... Alright ill do it, is it okay if i do it tomorrow?"" ""Sure! Whenver you have the time"" And so both shoes leave the bar. The very next day the American shoe calls the Australian one wife, he takes her out to a romantic dinner in a restaurant by the beach and spend the night together in a tent on the sand. It dosnt take long for the Australian shoe to notice what happened and instantly goes to the American shoe house. ""OI! YOU FUCKING CUNT! YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE, WHAT THE FUCK?!"" ""What?! You are the one who told me to nail your soulmate, your wife out!"" ""You motherfucker, i didnt said to nail my soulmate, i said to *nail my sole,mate*!""" +40136,0,What's the difference between Trump and a pile of poop? A pile of poop is naturally brown. +40137,0,"I have been trying knitting and i believe i am quite bad at it Oops,wrong thread" +40138,4,"My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor. I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “" +40139,5,"Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him. ""Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left."" Johnny sits up straight and says ""none, the bang would make the others fly away."" Ms. McHeiney says, ""well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking."" Little Johnny says ""OK, I have one for you, three women are eating ice cream cones, one is biting it, one is licking it, one is sucking on it, which one is married?"" Stumped Ms. McHeiney says ""uhhhh, the one sucking on it?"" Johnny puffs out his chest and says ""well, the answer is the one with the wedding band, but I like the way you're thinking.""" +40140,3,A beautiful girl is like a fine wine. But you still can’t just lock her in the basement until she’s old enough. +40141,2,Ever since I started to wear adult diapers I've been a changed man. +40142,0,Why did the rag doll change her mind? Her mind was suede!!! +40143,0,How to you call midget intercourse ? Microtransaction +40144,0,Why do elephants have such big trunks? They never forget so naturally they've got a lot of baggage to carry around +40145,4,What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese man's telephone +40146,1,I think my eye doctor is crazy She always asks me if I see things +40147,0,"Abstinence I'm extremely obese and in high school we had an assignment to write down ""ten ways to stay abstinent until marriage."" And I'm like, that's ridiculous. I don't need ten ways to stay abstinent until marriage. I'll just be myself. Thats *one* way to stay abstinent until *death.*" +40148,7,"The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase." +40149,10,"A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines. The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, ""Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, ""You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, ""Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."" The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, ""You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, ""You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."" " +40150,0,Tried taking a picture of a cool car Tried taking a picture of a cool car.. Got the Flash instead.. +40151,3,What does a deaf kid missing 3 fingers do? Stutter +40152,1,I’m nihilistic It doesn’t matter though +40153,1,What do you call a black comedian? A Laughrican American. +40154,5,"My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30! Fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web." +40155,0,The secrets to success: 1) Don't reveal everything. +40156,3,It was so cold in DC the other day that I saw a politician putting his hands in his own pockets! +40157,0,"I get accused of hyberbole a lot. This is *literally* the stupidest, most baseless accusation any sentient being anywhere has ever said in the history of the universe. I am 10000% serious when I say I have never *ONCE* used hyperbole. *EVER.*" +40158,2,What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything +40159,1,What's E.T. Short for? Because he's got little legs. +40160,5,"Lumberjack Interview A man goes into an interview for a job as a lumberjack. ""Do you have any relatable work experience?"" Asks the interviewer. ""Sure thing. I worked in the Sahara Forest in Africa for 2 years."" ""Sahara forest? You mean the Sahara desert?"" Says the interviewer. ""Well sure. That's what they call it now!"". " +40161,2,"What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? SOMEONE WHO LIES AWAKE AT NIGHT WONDERING IF THERE’S A DOG." +40162,2,"How do turn root beer into beer? .. Put it in a square glass Edit: removed ""Sorry""" +40163,1,Why is it good not to shower before a fight? The easiest way to win a fight is to fight dirty +40164,1,"So, a guy's fishing on a boat.. ..after fishing all day he runs out of gas. After sitting on the water stranded for hours, another boat pulls alongside and offers help. Desperate for help, the stranded fisherman asks ""Hey can I borrow them two oars?!?"" The man quickly responds ""Them ain't oars, that's my mother and my sister""" +40165,1,"Too kinky A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says, ""Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?"" ""Sure,"" she says, ""have a seat."" The man sits down and they get to talking. ""You know,"" the man says, ""This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed."" ""REALLY!"" the girl says, ""My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my placae and get a little kinky?"" So they finish their drinks and leave. When they get to the girls house, she says, ""Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little more kinky."" She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door. She says, ""Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!"" He says, ""Jesus, lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?"" " +40166,0,What do Swedish people say when they see something they don’t like? Yikea +40167,1,"The farmer, his horse and his chicken. A horse and chicken are best of friends, they play in the field all day long but after a bad storm the horse gets stuck into sinking mud and worries he is going to drown.. He cries for the chicken to help; who runs off to find the farmer. The farmer drives back with his BMW, throws a rope in for the horse to bite onto and tows him out of the mud, thankful to the chicken and the farmer. The chicken the next day falls prey to the same mud and starts sinking, crying for the horse to help him: ""go get the farmer and his BMW to save me, please!"" The horse, about to gallop off, thinks to itself; wait a minute, I don't need the farmer.. He stands one leg either side of the puddle and dangles his cock down; ""here, grab that and pull yourself out..."" The chicken does as told, and safe, thanks the horse... The moral of this story is: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. " +40168,0,"Two snakes in the grass Two snakes are slithering through the grass, we will call them Bob and Terry (for storytelling purposes), when suddenly Bob the snake stops. Terry turns to Bob and asks: ""Bob, mate, are you okay?"" Bob replies to Terry: ""Mate, are we venemous?"" Terry replies: ""Bob, we arent just venemous, we are the most deadliest snakes on the planet"". ""Oh, Fuck!"" Bob yells. ""Whats wrong Bob?"" Asks a concerned Terry. Bob replies: ""I just bit my tongue...."" " +40169,0,"Drunk in taxi A drunk gets into the back of a cab and the driver starts heading down the street. The drunk asks the cabbie, ""hey Mac- do you have room up front for a six pack of beer and a pepperoni pizza?"" The driver says ""sure."" The drunk goes ""BLLLECCCCHHHHH."" (It works much better verbally.)" +40170,4,"Two archers are sipping pints in a pub. The first archer says, ""Did you see the new leathersmith? He's a beast of a man with eyes as black as night."" To which the second archer replies, ""Aye, he makes me quiver""." +40171,2,"The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ... They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing." +40172,2,"The Blue Banana (warning, very long) Ever since he was a little boy Little Timmy dreamed of one day being a train conductor. As he grew up, he took all the train-related electives and participated in all the train-related extracurriculars. He got into the best train conductor school in the world and proceeded to graduate top of his class. He was ecstatic to accept a position driving the biggest freight trains across the American countryside. He was living the life. Then one day, Timmy saw a few hobos passed out on the tracks. Timmy thought to himself, ""Man, I sure do hate hobos."" So he cranks that train up as fast as it will go, a full 100mph with the weight of 3 miles of fully loaded freight cars behind him, and slams into the hobos, splattering them into dust. Timmy is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to death. For his last meal, he requests a blue banana. At this time of year, the only place the blue banana grows is at the top of Mount Everest. To honor Timmy's last meal request, they put together an expedition to get the blue banana. When the expedition reaches the top, they see a small bush with a single blue banana hanging from a branch. Expedition leader Bill reaches out to pick the banana. As soon as it snaps off the branch, a yeti jumps out from behind a rock and proceeds to slaughter every member of the expedition...except for Bill. Bill returns with the blue banana and hands it to Timmy. Timmy peels the banana, eats it, and says ""I'm ready."" Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the switch is thrown. Nothing happens. The switch is thrown again. Still nothing happens. The switch is thrown a third time. Timmy remains unaffected. Since the electric chair failed and this particular state didn't have another method of execution, they had no choice but to let Timmy walk free. With murder on his record Timmy is fired from his previous job, but with his other credentials he is able to land a job as the conductor of a small tourist steam train. Things are going pretty well until one day Timmy sees some hippies hanging out on the tracks. Timmy thinks to himself, ""Man, I sure do hate hippies."" So he cranks that train up as fast as it will go, 40mph with the steam pouring out of the smokestack, and slams into the hippies, sending their bodies flying. Timmy is again found guilty of murder and again requests a blue banana for his last meal. At this time of year, the blue banana only grows at the bottom of Challenger Deep in the Marianas Trench. Bill once again leads the expedition. Once at the bottom of the ocean, the expedition finds a small bush with a single blue banana floating from a small branch. Bill carefully pilots his submersible to the bush and guides the mechanical arm toward the banana, gripping it gingerly and plucking the banana from the bush. As soon as he does, a Kraken barrels out of the dark and destroys every submersible killing everyone inside...except for Bill's submersible. Bill returns and hands the banana to Timmy. Timmy peels the banana, eats it, and says ""I'm ready."" Timmy is once again strapped into the electric chair and the switch is thrown. Nothing happens. The switch is thrown again. Still nothing. The switch is thrown a third time and left on as the executioners go to lunch. When they return and turn it off, they find that Timmy is still alive! With no other method of execution at their disposal, they are once again forced to let Timmy go free. Now with a second murder conviction on his record, Timmy can't find work anywhere. He eventually decides to open a small kiddie train at the local mall. It's not the life Timmy dreamed for himself, but at least he's still driving a train. Then one day, Timmy sees some hipsters making condescending remarks about everyone at the mall. Timmy thinks to himself, ""Man, I sure do hate hipsters."" So he cranks that train up as fast as it will go, a whopping 3mph with a couple of scared and screaming kids, and runs over the hipsters' ankles, possibly breaking one or 2. Timmy is only found guilty of attempted murder this time, but to avoid taking further chances Timmy is sentenced to death anyway. He once again requests a blue banana as his last meal. At this time of year the blue banana only grows in the middle of Siberia. Bill is once again put in charge of the expedition. This time he takes no chances, bringing along a full battalion of soldiers, tanks, and air support. When the expedition finds the blue banana hanging from a small bush in the middle of a field, a several mile wide perimeter is established with guns and missiles pointed at every possible hostile entry vector. Once satisfied with the security measures, Bill walks up to the bush and carefully picks the banana. As soon as he does, the Siberian traps open up, throwing lava and noxious gas every which way and violently killing the entire battalion. Even Bill is thrown hundreds of miles through the air by the eruption, but by some miracle lands on a massive pile of pillows that were about to be loaded and shipped to Bed, Bath, & Beyond. He manages to escape without a scratch...and with the blue banana still in hand. Bill returns and hands the blue banana to Timmy. Timmy peels the banana, eats it, and says ""I'm ready."" Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the switch is thrown. Nothing happens. The switch is thrown again. Still nothing happens. The switch is thrown a third time and left on overnight. The executioners come back the next morning to find the entire power grid shut down due to the massive amount of electricity expended on Timmy, yet Timmy was still alive! Finally, one of the executioners asks Timmy, ""How do you keep surviving the electric chair?!"" Timmy responds, ""I guess I'm just a bad conductor.""" +40173,4,"A photon walks into a hotel The clerk asks ""do you have any bags we can help you with?"" Photon says ""naw dawg, I'm travelin' light""" +40174,2,Why do astronauts like this joke So Much? Because there's So much Space between the words. +40175,0,My watch broke a week ago I've been meaning to replace it but I don't have the time +40176,3,"An arab at airport An arab at airport: \\- Name? \\- Abdul Al Razhib. \\- Sex? \\- Three to five times a week. \\- No, no, I mean: male or female? \\- Yes... male, female, sometimes camel. \\- Holly cow! \\- Yes... cow, dog, even sheep. \\- But isn't that hostile? \\- Horse style, doggy style, any style! \\- Oh, dear! \\- No, no... deer run to fast! " +40177,5,"[OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop... when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work. One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. ""I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company,"" the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said ""Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?"" ""Life,"" said the old man, ""because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine."" The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left. Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days. One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it. One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames. The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.” " +40178,0,"I met Josh Pec the other day... I met Josh Pec the other day, he's such a boob." +40179,2,What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip +40180,2,When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound? When you want a pure bread. +40181,8,"I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said ""Yes!"". I said ""Good, because I'm breaking up with you.""" +40182,2,"Batman impressionist Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?"" ""Go on then"" ""NOT THE KRYPTONITE!"" ""That's Superman"" ""Thanks, I've been practicing.""" +40183,4,What do you call two identical breasts? Identitties. +40184,0,"False hope at the end of every successful date ""Do you want to c*m* in" +40185,0,What is Donald Trump's favourite ice cream? Walls Vanilla Carte D'or - It's not Mexican! (*I am going to hell for this!) +40186,0,My new year's resolution is... 1920x1080 +40187,0,What is the worst part about having sex with an old woman? Ever open a grilled cheese sandwich? +40188,0,What do You Call Someone Who Self Harms In The Antarctica? An eskemo..... +40189,3,"A Spanish magician says he can make himself disappear on the count of 3 Uno, dos... Suddenly the magician disappears without a tres." +40190,2,Hey ladies : if you think men are all the same Why won't anyone go out with me? +40191,0,"My ex, Sandra's mum saw me in the supermarket this morning. My ex Sandra's mum saw me in the supermarket this morning. She came storming up to me with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand. She ripped the lid off and poured the lot all over my head. ""THAT... is from our Sandra."" She spat. ""Oh don't talk like a cunt."" I replied. ""That could be from ANY cow.""" +40192,1,I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down. +40193,1,What do you call the extra fees on formal wear? The Taxedo! +40194,1,What happens when gay people forget to go to the bathroom before sex? That shit's fucked up. +40195,1,"Visited the Doctor today I told him every time I turn on the TV I see Mary Poppins, he reckons I have a bad case of the um diddle um diddle um diddle eye!" +40196,1,"Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s Though never married, she was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. Miss Beatrice invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', as he pointed to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.' 'Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'" +40197,2,Fat people have feelings too. They feel hunger. +40198,0,Dad dad tell me a joke! Sure son... You're just like my sex life. +40199,1,"Wife asked me, how you like to be buried? Apparently, ""balls deep in your mother's grave"" wasn't the answer she was expecting." +40200,3,What did one ice berg say to the other ice berg? Icy you there +40201,2,"Fart contest There was a farting contest in town. The first contestant came in front of the microphone and played *Twinkle twinkle little star*. Applauses followed as he went down the stage. Next, the second one played *When the saints come Marching in*. Everybody stood up to applaud this time. The third one, came up the stage with a serious look in his face. But instead of a song, he said ""To be honest, I wasn't expecting this level of expertise and preparation from my adversaries. I don't feel like I'm at the same level than those guys, so I'm going to retire from the contest. Thank you very much."" After those words, he got the microphone out of his ass and left the stage." +40202,4,I remember 2016... Just like it was yesterday. +40203,0,"A soviet officer is leaving the barracks early. Another officer stops him and asks ""Where are you russian to, comrade??"" He replies, ""I've been slaving all day and I'm exhausted, I must get home. Why are you asking?"" ""No big deal, I just have to czech.""" +40204,0,What happened to St. Bartholomew after he went sledding? He got degloved +40205,1,"Changed my job Recently changed from working at a restaurant to working in a hospital. Probably should try to stop saying ""We hope to welcome you again soon""" +40206,2,"Did you know pigeons die after having sex? Well, at least the one I fucked did." +40207,3,What Do Donald Trump and Lex Luthor Have in Common? They hate illegal aliens +40208,6,"A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ""That's not it"" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ""That's it.""" +40209,1,The other day a midget started insulting me for no reason... I chose to be the bigger man and acted like it never happened. +40210,1,Did you hear about the banana that became a stripper? She said the job really appealed to her. +40211,2,Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog? Someone told him to get a long little doggie +40212,0,[making out after date] [making out after date] Her: Should we go back to your place? He: *kisses her* ...I’m not ready for you to meet my WIFE yet +40213,0,"Three jews walk into a bar I lied, it was a gas chamber" +40214,2,What does a chocolate crow say? “CACAO!” +40215,3,What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching! +40216,1,How did the priest get out of Jail? Christian Bail +40217,0,"Just made this up after watching as family guy Two buddy’s in a bar, one says to the other, I’d love to live somewhere cold but I don’t think the wife wants to. Bud: il tell you what, Alaska for you" +40218,5,I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help. She took the words right out of my mouth. [OC] +40219,2,I told my friend 10 jokes about binary He didn't get either of them! +40220,6,"A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars. The woman says ""yes!"" The man then asks ""Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"" ""NO! what do you think I am?!"" she replies ""I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"" " +40221,1,"Dave is on a plane Dave is on a plane when his mate Francis says to him, ""hey let's have wild gay buttsex!"" ""Are you crazy man, there are all these people."" ""Nonsense,"" says Francis, ""they wouldn't care. They're sleeping, watching TV, reading, and minding their own business. Here let me demonstrate."" Francis then says to the passengers, ""Hey can I have a pencil"" The passengers pay no attention to him. ""I guess they wouldn't pay attention then"" says Dave and proceeds to have wild buttsex with Francis. When the plane lands, the stewardess notices an old gentleman with puke all over his seat and his clothes. ""You should have asked for a sick bag"" she says. ""I wouldn't dare. I saw some guy asking for a pencil and the next thing I know, Dave fucked him in the ass.""" +40222,2,What is a Vietnamese sandwich maker’s favorite pick up line? Banh mi. +40223,1,What do you call a man with an opinion? Single +40224,1,Did you hear about the kite that went up into the air really easily? He said it was a breeze. +40225,2,What does the Pope use to get you out of jail? Christian Bale. +40226,0,"My 5 year old nearly got hit by a car even after I told him to look both ways before crossing the street... He looked at me, confused, and said, ""But I did look up AND down!""" +40227,1,When Bruce Jenner changed sex's. I thought damn... he's Trans-Jenner? +40228,10,"A gambler dies and goes to Heaven... A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder... ""Want to make a bet while we wait?"" The Gambler asks. ""If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."" The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins ""reading"" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. ""Don't be silly, it's just indigestion."" the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. ""This one's easy!"" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. ""Hold my beer!"" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. ""Okay, let's see..."" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. ""You ain't taking me alive!"" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, ""Fuck the police!"" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. ""I'VE GOT NOTHING!"" He shouts. ""I GIVE UP!"" The man steps aside." +40229,2,What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. +40230,1,Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card +40231,4,"Two doctors are having sex He says to her, ""You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."" She replies, ""Well you must be an anesthetist,  because I didn't feel a fucking thing!"" " +40232,0,"Pirate Bagels What did the Latina pirate say to her captain lover who was demanding to know if she wanted a bagel, and if so, what type? Aye poppy [It's just long enough so the setup isn't worth the pay off - so, just right.]" +40233,4,"I've been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but it's not easy. Good players are hard to find." +40234,0,Whats the best thing about having a girlfriend that is an escort? You never have to wonder if she's been screwing around on you! +40235,1,"Glass house conundrum People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, nor have sex in the daytime." +40236,0,2015: The Force Awakens 2017: The Last Jedi 2019: From His Nap +40237,0,What do you call 400 penguins in Trafalgar Square? Lost +40238,0,I’m declaring a war on hyperbole. It’s going to be the best war EVER. +40239,0,"How do we know Kennedy wasn't killed by the CIA? Well he's dead, isn't he?" +40240,1,"I am a master at fast calculation ""Calculate 753 time 165 divided by 21."" ""18"" LOL, ""thats incorrect"" ""Might be, but it was fast.""" +40241,1,Turkish fundraising dinner Donor Kebab +40242,1,"A couple are in Moscow on Christmas Eve A slight precipitation starts coming down and the couple starts arguing. The husband says, “look it’s raining” but the wife says, “no, that’s clearly snow”. The arguing continues for a minute and then they decide to ask a local for help. They stop a man and ask his name and he replies, “Hello, am rudolph the communist” and the husband proceeds to ask him, “is it raining or snowing?”, Rudolph immediately responds by saying, “Yes it is rain”. With the argument being settled the husband turns to his wife and says, “see, Rudolph the red knows rain deer”" +40243,1,He failed out of medical school Guess he couldn’t make the cut. +40244,0,"There's an old pilot joke about cockpit automation that says the ideal flight crew is a pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot if he touches anything." +40245,4,"A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful. He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in ""Hey Dad"" He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose. The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado, he drinks the entire glass of whiskey in one go. He then picks up a gun starts to threaten everyone else in the room to empty their pockets. The politician stands up, hugs his son and with a heart filled with emotion exclaims "" HE IS MY SON!""" +40246,3,What does a shortsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. +40247,0,"A wife suspects that her husband is cheating on her with the babysitter. A wife suspects that her husband is cheating on her with the babysitter. After he returns from dropping the babysitter off, she confronts him. “So, did you drop the babysitter off?” “Yup.” “Did you do anything else?” “Nope, dropped her off, and came home.” “Well for Christ’s sake, do you know how suspicious this seems?! You took forever! Do you even know how long you were at her house?!” “I’d say about six inches.” " +40248,1,Menstrual jokes are not funny. Period. +40249,1,Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na (11) +40250,4,"My girlfriend told me ""I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle"" I said ""Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out""" +40251,0,"Scientist: ""Would you mind testing a space suit in a vacuum chamber for me?"" Test subject: ""Sure thing"" Scientist: ""Ok, make sure to press the orange button. No pressure.""" +40252,7,"Two medieval instruments are having a conversation ""I'm a harpsichord."" Says the first. ""I'm a lute."" Says the second. ""No you're not!"" Says the harpsichord. ""You're that other string instrument!"" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, ""Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!""" +40253,1,- Can you tie a knot? - I cannot! - You can knot? - I cannot knot! - Not knot? - Who's there? +40254,3,There’s one good thing about being hit in the head with a bottle of Coca Cola It’s a soft drink +40255,0,What is a Mexican's favorite place to go fishing? In the sea señor! +40256,3,"My vacuum sucks So I decided to sell mine, it was just collecting dust." +40257,1,"Police! Open up! ""Police! Open up!"" ""I don't want any balls!"" ""We have no balls!"" ""I know""" +40258,6,"A blonde is walking beside a railway track. A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing ""21, 21, 21..."" The blonde eagerly asks ""May I join you?"" The brunette nods, and says, ""You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."" ""I can do that!"" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle of the track, singing ""21, 21, 21..."" After some time, the brunette hears the whistle of a coming train behind them. So, she steps off the track. However, the blonde is concentrating so deeply on the singing and skipping, she is oblivious to fhe danger behind her. She is struck by the train, and is killed instantly. Once the train has passed, the brunette steps back onto the track. She resumes skipping down the track, and begins to sing again. ""22, 22, 22...""" +40259,0,A fart. Is just your butt telling a joke. +40260,0,"I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly , no pun in 10 did." +40261,0,"What did the school teacher say to the first man to cum in the space station? ""Wow you sure took shooting for the moon literally!""" +40262,0,The best procrastination joke ever I'll tell you tomorrow! +40263,0,"Emergency call at the police station: Emergency call at the police station: ""Please come quick. It’s a life and death situation. Our dog has become very aggressive. He might do something to me."" - ""Who is there?"" - ""The cat.""" +40264,4,"A trip to the doctor... Doctor: ""You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"" Me: ""Oh great!"" Doctor: ""No, brain cancer is way worse.""" +40265,0,What do Old People and Blue Cheese have in common? They both smell weird and are covered in gross veins. +40266,1,"Bob is on vacation and as he is exploring the city he is hailed by a man standing outside a bar ""Come inside!"", the man says, ""we have the best music around!"" Bob looks up at the sign hanging above the door and reads out loud ""The Jazz Hole... interesting name."" ""It's a family name, actually. My father founded this bar over twenty years ago."" The man pauses for a moment and sticks out his hand. ""I'm Hugh, by the way. Hugh Jazzhole.""" +40267,3,Why do bank managers have such thin penises? Because they're such tight fisted wankers. +40268,2,"Now I know why Australians call each other ""Mate""... Cause it's a short form of **INMATE**..." +40269,4,My friend told me that I don't know what ironic means Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop +40270,0,What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. +40271,0,"What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes “hippity-THUD, hippity-THUD, hippity-THUD? The Easter Elephant." +40272,2,"A robber walks into a bank He proceeds to take all the money and begins to walk out. Before he leaves he turns to a customer lying on the floor and asks, ""Did you see me rob this bank?"" ""Yes, sir,"" says the man, to which the robber shoots him. He turns to another customer and says, ""Did you see me rob this bank?"" Thinking quick the man responded, ""No, but my wife here saw everything!""" +40273,3,"My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age. She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy." +40274,3,What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for centuries? Church. +40275,0,If you have two Apple Watches... Then you have a pear! +40276,0,I like jokes. But jokes about turkeys and penguins? Not gonna fly +40277,4,What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber. +40278,0,What did the pirate do before burying his treasure? Dig a hole... +40279,0,How do you call a 69 in Australia? A 96. +40280,0,What would you call Tyrion Lannister's old penis? Peter Wrinklage +40281,4,Relationships are a lot like... algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? +40282,3,"A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig. ""You know,"" interrupts the guy with glasses, ""today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."" ""Huh?"" says our guy, baffled. The other guy continues, ""No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."" ""That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard,"" returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer. ""I'll prove it,"" says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground. Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself. He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death. The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, ""you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman.""" +40283,0,"TIL Cleopatra lived closer to me than the pyramids. I live in Alexandria, so did she, and the pyramids are 200km away." +40284,0,"Where can you go on a Scottish plane, that has no wheels? ‘t dis ney land" +40285,7,"What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked? “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”" +40286,4,"Why is the word ""impeach"" so popular with Donald Trump's presidency? Lack of a better term." +40287,3,"To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in. I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word." +40288,3,What do they call a talkative Colombian? Hablo Escobar +40289,1,What happened to the man running in front of the car? --He was tired What happened to the man running behind the car? --He was exhausted +40290,0,Life is like a box of chocolates I don't have one. +40291,0,What do you call a native american women that has 2 periods a month? a 2 cycle engine +40292,1,"I like my women like I like my Whiskey...... About 15 years old, and mixed up with coke. " +40293,3,What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *Gag* +40294,1,Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? ... ... Because the cow has the udder +40295,0,The first thing I did as I entered the new year was take a massive shit. I really hope that's a good omen. +40296,6,I always try to go the extra mile for my customers -New York's most hated cab driver Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter +40297,4,How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tits a lot +40298,2,I have a scary joke about math But I'm 2² to say it..... +40299,4,"Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat. Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off. About an hour of fishing later the priest got a huge bite and reeled in one of the biggest fish Patrick had seen, astounded and not thinking he blurted out ""Wow Father would you look at the size of that fucker!"" The priest said, ""Exsuse me son you are in the company of a man of the cloth would you mind watching your language."" Patrick thinking quick to save face said ""No no Father, you got me all wrong, thats what it is called a fucker."" Anyways the priest go back to the parish and runs into sister Mary ""Sister Mary, would you mind cleaing and gutting this fucker for me?"" She too was astouned at the language used but the priest explained that was what type of fish it was. So she cleans it and takes it to the Mother superior. ""Mother superior, do you feel like cooking a meal with this fucker this evening?"" She was taken aback too, but sister Mary expalined and it was off to the stove. Now believe it or not, by fluke, the Pope decided to drop by that night and they invited him to stay for tea. After they had eaten the pope declared ""That was a beautiful dish!"" To which the priest replied ""I caught the fucker!"" Sister Mary ""I cleaned and gutted the fucker!"" And the Mother superior, ""And I cooked the fucker!"" Well you could of heard a pin drop, the Pope was flabbergasted, his expression deadpan, he pushed his seat back and stared at all 3 of them. Then he pulled a bottle of whisky out of his pocket, lit up a cigarett and said ""You know what, you c@#nts are ok""" +40300,2,What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again Boeing +40301,0,Why did the Russian man keep making excuses? He was just stalin for time +40302,2,My dentist doesn't like the fact that I've been chewing on quarters. It's the closest I'll ever get to having a Bitcoin. +40303,1,"When Chuck Norris gets old and has to use a walker Will he name his walker, Texas ranger " +40304,1,"I fucked up by trusting my husband!! So I've been married to my husband for about six years now ( but we've been partners for eight years ) and we have two wonderful kids at the age five and seven. I couldn't have asked for a better life or a happier family, but recently something has been really bothering me. ​ Here comes the problem; I've been wondering for months now, because none of the kids look like my husband. So I asked him very discreetly if he's been cheating on me any time during our eight years of partnership. And he keeps holdning on to the claim that ""I haven't and will never cheat on you darling"". ​ The thing is, I know he must be lying, because why else would our kids not look anything like him? ​ TL;DR: Basically I have come to the conclusion that even though my husband denies it, he must've been cheating on me because none of our kids looks like him!!" +40305,2,The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian +40306,2,I feel really bad for homeless gay people... ...they don't even have a closet to come out of! +40307,1,What do you call a restaurant at the bottom of the sea? A Scuba Diner +40308,2,"A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him with, ""How about a drink?"" ""Thanx. Vodka."" The bartender brings it. ""That'll be $5."" ""Wait! You offered me a drink and I accepted. Nobody said anything about money."" The man next to him speaks up. ""I'm a lawyer and, technically, you entered into a verbal agreement with no mention of compensation."" ""Fine!"", the bartender fumes, ""but, drink it and get out!"" The next day, the man comes back. ""Hey! Aren't you the guy who scammed me for a free drink yesterday?"" ""No, not me."" ""Then you must have a double!"" ""Thanx! Make it a vodka and see if my friend the lawyer would like something, too!""" +40309,0,I heard Russia is invading Ukraine again... ...Crimea river! +40310,4,Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. +40311,4,If minecraft taught me one thing...  It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe +40312,1,Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. Happy 4th of July everybody! +40313,1,You know domestic abuse jokes aren't funny... Until the punchline +40314,2,What do you call a murderer who is also a fraud? Jack the Rip-off. +40315,0,"A man goes to court for public urination. The judge asks him, ""How do you plea?"" The man replies, ""standing up, your honor.""" +40316,1,If you give a mouse a cookie... He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience. +40317,0,USSR- United States Snowflakes & Retards. +40318,1,Alcohol doesn't agree with me It thinks my wife is attractive +40319,0,"Green Day - American Idiot Well, Trump did win." +40320,1,"Angel Gabriel approached God “What are you doing there?” he asked. “Well” said God, “You know this planet I’ve been creating?” “Yeah, what of it?” “I’ve discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period of alternating light and dark.” “Oh, that’s pretty cool. So what now then?” “To be honest, I think I’m gonna call it a day.”" +40321,1,"3 guys are out walking their dogs in the summer. Eventually they decided to find some place to grab a drink, so they went to a nearby pub. ""Oh, damn"" said the first guy. ""no dogs allowed, guess we'll have to find another place to drink."" ""What, are you kidding me? Watch this and do what I do."" said the second guy as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses and walked in. The barman said ""Hey, there's no dogs allowed in here man, didn't you see the sign?"" 'Oh what? Nah, sorry, I'm blind. This is my seeing eye dog.' and so the barman let him in and served him. The other two outside looked at each other for a second before one said ""Well, if he can do it so can I."" put on his sunglasses, walked in, and had a repeat of the same scene. The third guy now all alone outside thought 'well, fuck it, what's the worst that can happen' and followed suit. The barman scoffed as he walked in. ""Hey come on man, I know you saw the no dogs sign."" 'Oh, the what sign? Sorry, I'm blind. This is my seeing eye dog.' ""They gave you a chihauha as your seeing eye dog?"" 'THEY GAVE ME A CHIHAUHA?'" +40322,0,What do the first 25 letters of the alphabet have in common? They're all Nazi. +40323,0,"The baby So once much does a baby that was maybe three and every night he told everyone good night .So one night he says good night to the mom, dad, sister, cat, and says goodbye to his grandma. No one thought anything of it. The next morning the grandma was dead. Everyone was spooked but didn’t think much of it. The next night he said goodnight to everyone but the cat. They all went to bed and the next day they cat was dead. Everyone was scared out of there pants. That night he said goodbye dad. The dad was scared all night that he couldn’t go to sleep. The next day he drove to work and was on edge. He was praising god that he came home in one piece. That night the baby said goodnight to everyone. And the dad was ok and was going to sleep but the wife came over and said. “ You know that the weirdest thing happened today.” The husband said what. “ My bosses died today.”" +40324,0,What kinda truck does a duck drive? A mack mack mack mack. +40325,1,What do you call an Indian gay pornstar? Ram Amandeep +40326,4,What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan? Lahore. +40327,1,"Johnny hears some screaming down the hall.. He runs to his parents bedroom and see's his dad nailing his mom. It's okay buddy, his dad laughs, I'll be there in 20 minutes to tuck you in. Dad walks down the hall 20 minutes later and hears screams from Johnny's room. He throws open the door to see johnny nailing his grandmother. What the hell is going on!? His dad screams. Not so funny when its your mom is it? " +40328,7,"A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. “That won’t help you, Joe, you know?” “Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”" +40329,0,"Have you heard about the word? Of course everybody’s heard about the word! The word of our saviour, Lord Jesus Christ" +40330,1,My irony detector is defective. It detects everything except irony. +40331,0,Who's the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom according to Tiffany Haddish? Theresa Heeeyyyyy +40332,0,Why do goats always vote for democrats? So they can get welfare for all their kids. +40333,2,A British wizard walks into a gay bar... ...and disappears with a poof +40334,0,"What's the difference between Wokies and Wookies ? One is a smelly hairy animal who always comes with his hand, solo." +40335,3,"A Blind Man visits the State of Texas... There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, ""Wow, these seats are big!"" The person next to him answered, ""Everything is big in Texas."" When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, ""Wow these mugs are big!"" The bartender replied, ""Everything is big in Texas."" After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, ""Second door to the right."" The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, ""Don't flush, don't flush!""" +40336,5,I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader... We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan. +40337,1,Have you heard about Angelina Jolie’s new film about abortion? It’s called “Womb Raider.” +40338,1,"Priest, Monk, and Rabbi go on a pilgrimage They get to talking about what they do with the offerings from their services. The Priest says, ""I draw a line on the ground, and throw the basket in the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line goes to God. Whatever lands on the left side I keep."" The Monk says, ""I do the exact same thing, except I draw a circle on the ground. Whatever lands inside the circle goes to God, and whatever lands outside I keep."" The Rabbi stops and turns to face the other two and says, ""I do it a little different. I take the basket and throw it in the air. Whatever God wants he'll take. Whatever lands on the ground I keep.""" +40339,0,S/O Shout out to people who don't know what the opposite of in is +40340,0,Unlike Eric Garner... I live for out of state cigarettes. +40341,0,"My attempt to prove time travel. A month ago, I sent out invitations to a party I'm hosting this Friday. I'm expecting 100 guests from the past." +40342,1,There's a lot of Arab new mothers lately This must be the new baby boom! +40343,4,"Y'all know Bill, right? Y'all know Bill, right? Bill was bragging to his boss a day ago ""You know, I know a lot of pals. A *lot*. Pick any guy, famous or not, and I probably know him."" To confront this boring boasting, his boss calls his bluff. ""Ok Bill, how about Tom Hanks?"" ""No worry boss,"" says Bill, ""Tom is an old pal of my own, I will show you"" So Bill and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Hanks's door, and Tom Hanks shouts, ""Bill! What's going on? You must sit down with us, drink a pint!"" Although this was most stunning, Bill's boss was still curious, for what if Bill was just lucky? ""No, no, which pal should I show you now?"" ""Hmph, Donald Trump"" says his boss quickly. ""Trump is my most classic bud, now fly us to Washington!"" which his boss did. At that official building of our Constitutional hub, Trump spots Bill and his boss and motions both guys towards him, saying ""Bill, what a random hookup, I was on my way to an important chat, but you and your pal must go in and drink a bit of sud with us, and catch up!"" At this point, that boss was shook but still not totally undoubting. So that boss says to Bill ""What about that holy man Francis? ""Unconditionally! Pals for so long, many months, that holy man and I."" And so his boss took Bill to Italy. In that Vatican's hangout, standing amid a mass of crowds, Bill said ""This just cannot work. How can I catch Mr. Francis' sight amid all this hubbub? You know what, I am pals with all his guards, so will just climb upstairs and stand upon that high balcony with Mr. Francis."" And Bill ran through that crowd and into that Vatican. In not half an hour, Bill shows up on that balcony standing along with Mr. Francis, that's right, Mr. Francis, but Bill ran back down to find his boss laid out on asphalt having a nasty cardiovascular attack, with doctors around him. Making his way to his poor boss, Bill asks him ""Omg you ok?? What did occur during my stand on that balcony?"" His boss looks up and says ""It was that final straw... As you and Mr. Francis stood on that balcony, a random man to my right said ""Who dafuq is that, standing on that balcony with Bill?"" " +40344,0,"I have a really good dental insurance plan... co-pay for rearranging all my teeth was only $20, now i got my molars up front." +40345,0,What do you call two Irish homosexuals? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald +40346,5,Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off... And then a turn on again. +40347,0,A TSA agent tried to search my teeth for drugs at the airport... She asked to perform a cavity search on me +40348,0,"Hey, how the presentation went? Did they ask you any questions? ""Nah, no FAQs were given.""" +40349,0,"My wife told me I looked nice in the blue shirt I had on yesterday. I said ""thanks, it really brings out the color of my balls.""" +40350,4,"There was a new machine at the gym... After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars..." +40351,1,How do you cut Rome in half? With a pair of caesars. +40352,2,What do you call the leader of a trash army? Generel Waste. +40353,0,How did the wrestler get away with killing his girlfriend? He Snuka'p on her... +40354,0,The other day my friend asked me what my New Year's resolution was I told him I don't have a 2020 vision +40355,2,Drown that bastard! No mercy! Nana please... this is a baptism. +40356,1,What is Robb Stark's least favorite band? The Fray +40357,0,"What's the difference between a chainsaw and a baby? When one of them gets loud, you can choke it to kill the noise. The other is a chainsaw." +40358,2,"Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village. Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher, who always yelled at him saying ""you are driving me crazy, Bashir"". One day his mother went to check how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is a disaster, getting very low marks and that she had never seen a dumb boy like Bashir in her whole career and that nothing would ever become of him. The mother could not accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school and she eventually shifted to another city. 25 years passed and the teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform in another city. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw the handsome face of the doctor, smiling at her. Being under the anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk. In turn, the doctor was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and eventually she died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw Bashir working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner. If you were thinking that Bashir became a doctor, it's because you have been watching too many movies, serials or have read too many motivational forwarded messages. Bashir is still Bashir." +40359,2,You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother But instead they steal each others electrons. How ionic. +40360,0,My wife and I got into a yuuuge fight when she found out I voted for Trump. I just wanted to Make Our Marriage Fellate Again. +40361,1,what do you call a jury made up of male porn stars? a hung jury +40362,3,Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer? to get to the other side. +40363,1,My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop using Monkee's song references. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face... +40364,1,"I had a really hot dream last night... I was in the middle of the desert, high noon, next to an erupting volcano, wearing a parka." +40365,3,A big grizzly bear was taking a shit in the woods and noticed a rabbit taking a shit too. Bear says hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? No said the rabbit so the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him +40366,0,What kind of security do gangsters use when send messages to each other? En-crip-tion. Assuming they have knowledge pertaining to crip-tology of course. +40367,0,Children are like a car Sometimes you all can't fit in at once +40368,1,"What's the difference between Build-a-Bear workshop and a Gay Bar? At the Gay Bar, the bears stuff you!" +40369,0,A joke for those who are not exactly tech savvy. Your computer and/or phone is now infected with a dangerous virus. Comment your personal info to receive instructions on how to remove. +40370,3,Everyone jokes that everything in Australia can kill you. You know what probably won’t kill you? An Assault rifle. +40371,0,what's the difference between Londoners and smarties? Smarties don't blow up in the tube. +40372,0,"Autonomous Parking Car A to Car B: ""Move over to optimize parking in this lot."" Car B: ""No. My owner has programmed me to avoid dings from lesser cars such as yours."" Car A (flashing headlights several times): ""Move, please."" Car B: ""Nope."" Car A (honking horn and flashing lights): ""Move, asshole."" Car B: ""Make me."" ... Car C: ""And that's when the fight broke out, officer."" Borrowed from DougF on AT" +40373,2,Don’t hate Ajit Pai... ... he just wants to give us a sense of pride and accomplishment with our internet bill +40374,0,Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly. +40375,2,"Who writes the most but keeps it short? Lawyers. The only people who can write a 10,000 word document and call it brief. " +40376,1,Someone was telling me about her favorite kitchen utensil.She used it for everything. She would probably display it in her ceramic container which sat on the kitchen counter. For years she didn't know what it was called or what it's intended purpose was for. She bought it at a yard sale for 25cents. She finally seen one in its original packaging.Its a pooper scooper. Edit: proudly instead of probably +40377,2,"A bartender walks into... ...a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work." +40378,0,What type of bread should you use for a meatloaf sandwich? A bap out of hell. +40379,0,What did the one suicide bomber say to the other.... Baby you're a firework. +40380,1,What do you call a line without an imaginary number? One. +40381,1,What’s the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm +40382,0,My wife caught me watching lesbian porn on the computer.. She had forgotten to close it. +40383,0,The crappiest buffet I have ever gone to was at the senior center. It was the last time I try out the incontinental breakfast. +40384,4,"A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. ""I'm sorry, Father. I just barely missed hitting that lawyer at the side of the road."" But the priest said, ""Don't worry, son. I got him with my door.""" +40385,10,"A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,""Yum! I smell maple syrup!"" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says ""Yum! I smell honey!"" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, ""Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!""" +40386,0,What happened to the man's bank account after he purchased an M1 Abrams? His account balance tanked. +40387,3,"A sly fox jumps over a impulsive lioness Once there lived a sly fox in a vast jungle. He knew every nook and corner of the jungle. One day he went to the lion's den and started calling out the lion for a fight. The fox said,""Come out, you coward lion. I'm gonna carve out your inside with my bare hands"". But the lion didn't move an inch. He just kept sleeping. The lioness was baffled. She couldn't understand why the lion was not tearing apart the fox. ""If you are the king of the jungle, come out of your den and fight me. I will show you who is the strongest"", yelled the fox. The lioness was furious with the lion's inaction. She roared, ""Fine, I will do it myself"". Before the lion could stop her, she was chasing after the fox. As soon as the fox saw the lioness coming out of the den, he started to run as fast as he could. He turned to the left then to the right. The lioness was catching up to the fox. Just in front of the fox, there was a tree with bifurcated branch with just enough room for the fox. The fox jumped through the branch but the lioness got stuck between the branches. She tried to get out of the tree but all her efforts were in vein. Suddenly, she felt something pushing her from behind. The fox was fucking her hard. He fucked her till he was satisfied. Then he went his way. The lioness somehow managed to get herself loose and returned to her den. The lion asked what had happened and she told him everything. The lion then said, ""That was what I was trying to say to you before you left. This is what exactly happened to me yesterday.""" +40388,3,"A guy walks into a bar. He notices there are multiple assortments of meat hanging from the ceiling. The cashier, after seeing him confused, told him it was a competition and told him the rules. “If you can hop up and slap one of those cuts, you get free drinks till tomorrow. If you miss, you pay for everybody’s drinks for the next hour. You in?” “Nah” The man quietly answered. “Steaks are too high.”" +40389,0,So I met a comedian with dwarfism the other day... Turns out he's really down-to-earth! +40390,1,"How to make your wife take care while driving? Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age." +40391,6,"A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."" So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, ""Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...." +40392,1,"Fresh Popcorn A man goes to the cinema with his wife. He takes her to the snack bar and wants to order popcorn. When asked what he wants, he just said, ""I want popcorn like my girlfriend"". The cashier said, ""Sorry, but we don't have ugly popcorn.""" +40393,2,"My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter." +40394,8,What do you call a communist sniper? A Marx-man +40395,4,"It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is ""Chuck"". I mean, what the Farles is that about?" +40396,2,"Donald Trump and a preist die and go to heaven St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates waiting for them.  'Come with me', said St. Peter to Donald Trump Trump did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.  'Wow, not a Mexican in sight"" he mumbled as St. Peter went back for the preist. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.  'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'  'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When Donald Trump became president, everyone prayed.' " +40397,0,Nobody vapes in China but they make the biggest clouds. +40398,0,Butterflies... They aren't what they used to be.. +40399,2,"Did you hear about the ex-porn star who got fired from the gas station? Every time he got close to filling the tank, he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gasoline all over the car. " +40400,0,What do you call a bind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus? credit : Jurassic Park Edit : *blind Dinosaur. turns out I myself am blind. lol +40401,1,Original Force Awakens Puns [Spoilers] So... I guess Kylo Ren really did make Han *hole again*. Kylo really *stuck it to his father*. Han actually died of a heart attack... he had a *stabbing pain in his chest*. Kylo should have *cut Han some slack*. Idk if anyone else has said these; I also lost many friends as a result of these. Lo siento +40402,0,"What word starts with N, ends with R, and you never wanna call a black guy? Neighour" +40403,1,What do gay horses eat? Haaay +40404,0,What do you call a tree role playing maple-leaf +40405,0,My parents have an iron & steel business. My mom irons and my dad steals. +40406,4,Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks this morning. +40407,2,"Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute, because she can wash and resell her crack." +40408,0,What's the difference between an Indian chef and a politician? I don't have a dead politician in my basement. +40409,1,I recently learned that if you clench your fists and put them together it is the same size as your brain So that's why Trumps hands are so small!!! +40410,2,Relationships are like algebra: You look at your X and wonder Y Relationships are like algebra: You look at your X and wonder Y +40411,2,"Heard this joke from a friend A man wants to go on a date with his girlfriend. He goes to buy a suit, but the line was super long and took him 3 hours, but it was worth it. Next he went to buy himself a ring and guess what? The line took him 3 hours, but it was worth it. When the day of the date came they had a fabulous time and bonded better than ever before. He decided to go get some juice and guess what? There’s no punch line" +40412,1,"Sex since 1955 An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. ""Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. ""Is something bothering you?"" ""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."" The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ""It looks like you have seen a lot of action."" ""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."" The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, ""You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."" The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, ""You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"" ""1955, ma'am."" ""Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ""relax"" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, ""Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, ""I hope not, it's only 2130 now.""" +40413,2,why did princess diana cross the road? because she didn't have a seatbelt on. +40414,1,What do you tell a narcissistic murderer? You’re Killing it! +40415,1,What do you become if you run in front of a car? Tired. and if you run behind a car? Exhausted. +40416,0,"I was making pancakes I couldn't have any in the end, though, because the Yankees made off with my batter. Am I supposed to eat these millions of dollars now?" +40417,0,What did the artsy fencer say as he was about to start his match? Avant-garde +40418,2,"Cop comes to a womans house He sees bruises on her face. He asks ""Ma'am! is your husband a sadist?"" she says ""Beats me""" +40419,2,"Police arrested two men yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off." +40420,0,What did the Android call the iPhone 7 after being insulted by him? A Jack Off +40421,0,"An American, a Frenchman, and a mexican were asked a question... ""Do you see it"" They responded ""Yes, Oui, Si"" " +40422,0,Why did Jimmy miss a question on his quiz about states? He always thought 10 is C. (Tennessee) +40423,2,"How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Instead, they end up beating the room for being dark." +40424,3,"How long should you wait to regift a Christmas present? Last Christmas, this girl gave me her heart, and the very next day I gave it away. I haven’t heard the end of it since." +40425,3,"A father's last request A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, ""Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"" The wife replied, ""I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."" With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, ""Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."" " +40426,3,2 cops walk into a bar.... I don't know what happened after that. I got the fuck outta there. +40427,3,"A man asked Satan... ""How can I become the best guitarist in the world?"" Satan answered, ""Give me your soul."" The man was bewildered. ""What if I gave you a dollar instead?"" Satan smiled. ""Then I'll make you the best bass player in the world.""" +40428,0,What kind of coffee does Pocahontas drink? A mochahontas +40429,1,Was feeling pretty down in the dumps earlier and tried hanging myself with bungee cords Kept almost dying +40430,2,"A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you” The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?” Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!” The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?” Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it after you!”" +40431,6,Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this Measels +40432,3,"An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, ""Anything you can do, I can do better."" Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, ""So? What did you do?"" ""We just shut down two engines.""" +40433,1,What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? Extra drumsticks! +40434,4,"Two factory workers are talking. Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, ""I can make the boss give me the day off."" The man replies, ""And how would you do that?"" The woman says, ""Just wait and see."" She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, ""What are you doing?"" The woman replies, ""I'm a light bulb."" The boss then says, ""You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."" The man starts to follow her and the boss says, ""Where are you going?"" The man says, ""I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark. " +40435,1,"Three sisters are now 18 For their birthday, their dad comes with three absolutely handsome boys.He says to them: ""You are now 18, each of you can pass this night with one of them"" That night, the dad comes near their rooms.In front of the first daughter's room, he hears that she is laughing.In front of the second room, he hears that she is crying. Then he goes in front of the third daughter's room, and he hears nothing. The next morning, he goes asking them the reasons of the sounds he heard. The first daughter says : ""His dick was so small it made me laugh"" The second daughter says : ""His dick was so big that i got hurt"" Then he asks the third daughter why she didn't make any noise. She replies : ""Dad, you always told me to not speak when my mouth is full"" " +40436,0,What do you call deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. +40437,1,What do you call a Jewish makeshift incendiary bomb? A mazel-tov cocktail. +40438,0,Are you https? Because I’m :// +40439,3,My wife felt guilty I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote +40440,1,"Son: ""Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?"" Dad: ""Because you mother loves roses."" Son: ""Oh, ok..thanks dad!"" Dad: ""No problem, Marlboro.""" +40441,0,Two gay dudes walk into a bar... They never made it out alive +40442,6,"Teacher : Why didn't you come to the school yesterday? Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor. " +40443,2,"Pete was stranded on an island. He was confronted by a small group of villagers. The chief gave him 2 options, ooga booga, or death. Pete chose ooga booga. Then they all raped him. He was then confronted by a slightly larger group of villagers. The chief gave him 2 options, ooga booga, or death. Pete chose ooga booga again thinking it would be different, but then they all raped him. He was confronted by another group of villagers with a 1000 members. The chief of the villagers gave him 2 options, ooga booga, or death. Pete sighed and said death. The chief responded okay, but first, OOGA BOOGA." +40444,5,Slavery jokes aren't very funny. I give them 3 out of 5. +40445,0,A kiss can make your day Anal can make your hole weak +40446,9,Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people... .... Just like yo mama. +40447,5,I keep trying to find my wife's killer But nobody will do it +40448,2,Why is it better to exercise in the morning? You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing. +40449,6,"I'd follow humor pages on facebook but most of the time I see a joke, I've already reddit before" +40450,0,"She drops her pants and says A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!” " +40451,0,What was Stalin's least favorite ski? Trot ski. +40452,3,"A wife complains to her husband “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!” " +40453,0,A cone will gather some rust A cube will gather dust +40454,1,"Comrade Anna got accepted into the Communist Party. So they gave her the Party Rulebook to memorize. Next day, during the exams she scores 100%. Finally, the Party Chief asks her if she has any questions. ""I do, comrade Secretary. Am I allowed to fuck people who are not members of the party?"" And after much deliberation with the rest of the party the Chief replied: ""You may, but you must put it in yourself. That way the leadership of the party would still be felt.""" +40455,3,"What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog!" +40456,2,A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes. It turns out his findings were on shaky ground. +40457,2,I’ve been in jail for 5 minutes and I’ve already been beaten twice I hate playing monopoly with my dad +40458,0,What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? I want my quarter back! +40459,1,If snap chat has taught me anything... It's that alot of you females look better as farm animals. +40460,2,Today is a big day for the Chinese. Erection Day +40461,2,Recently I quadrupled all of the money to my name. 0 x 4 = 0 +40462,1,"A man is walking along the beach when... ...he trips over an antique lamp. A genie pours out, ominous and towering. ""Thank you, kind soul,"" the genie says, ""I have been trapped in that lamp for so long. You're a gentleman and a scholar for freeing me."" ""I'm no such thing,"" says the man, ""I'm a simple man with simple needs."" ""Well, whatever they are,"" the genie replied, ""you shall have them. I hereby grant you three wishes, as elaborate and grand as you like."" ""That is mighty kind of you, but I told you I am a simple man. For my three wishes, I want only a place to live free from the bustle of everyday life, all the Jack Daniels I can drink, and a lifetime supply of Camel Crushes."" And just like that, POOF! He found himself nestled away in a delightful and remote cottage, packed to the brim with Jack Daniels, and he had the strongest urge to love a camel." +40463,3,"According to Science, Alcohol is a solution" +40464,0,The rude skeleton! Why did the skeleton burp in church? He didn't have the guts to fart. +40465,6,Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers. +40466,0,"So the new meme is an epidemic Ah, the plague memes are spreading fast" +40467,10,"If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? Because they don't have access to black magic." +40468,1,TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson about brand loyalty +40469,2,What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair +40470,0,"A man walks into a tech shop with intentions of buying a gaming PC Worker: Hi welcome to our tech shop how may I help you today. Man: Hi do you guys have a top notch gaming PC? Worker: Right this way sir, here we have a computer with an I8 A processer. Man: I have never heard of that. Worker: Yeah because that was my lunch." +40471,4,I saw a lady with 12 nipples the other day... Sounds weird dozen tit? +40472,4,So i asked a cute homeless girl could i take her home. But i dont know why she was so confused when i walked off with her cardboard box. +40473,1,What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saurus. - Jurassic Park +40474,3,"A man gets bitten by a snake on his dick... He cries out to his friend to get a doctor. His friend leaves and runs through the tall grass, crosses a river and climbs over a hill of rocks before stumbling into the doctor's office dirtied from the grass, wet from the river and bloody from the rocks. The friend says to the doctor, ""My friend got bitten by a snake and I need you to see him!"" The doctor says, ""I'm unable to leave because I have to take care of my patient, but here's what you can do. Take this knife and cut open the bite and suck out the venom."" The friend takes the knife and runs back the same way. He climbs down the hill of rocks, crosses the river and runs through the tall grass before arriving back while looking more dirty, wet and bloody than before. The man yelled to his friend, ""What did the doctor say?"" His friend gave him a smile and says, ""The doctor says you're gonna die.""" +40475,2,"Mountain Moonshine Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him. He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, with no civilization around for a hundred miles. Everything was amazing. The cabin was small and cozy, high up in the mountains with a beautiful view above the forest. A few days later, Tom was outside relaxing and reading a book when he saw in the distance a sight that made his heart sink: a rusty old pickup truck driving right up to the cabin. A big old grizzly mountain man hops out of the truck and shouts, ""Oh hey there! I live on the other side of that there mountain! I'm hosting a party for all of the neighbors tonight, and you would be welcome to join!"" Tom stopped him in his tracks: ""I'm sorry, sir, but I'm here to get away from..."" The mountain man interrupted: ""But before you say yes, I gotta warn ya...there's going to be some DRINKIN'. I make the best sweet berry moonshine you've ever tasted."" Tom was quick to answer: ""Well sir, as great as your moonshine may be, I still have to say..."" But the mountain man interrupted again: ""Oh, and I gotta warn ya...there may be some FIGHTIN'. It can get a little rowdy sometimes after drinking my moonshine."" Tom once again answered dutifully: ""Well sir, I work at a bar in New York City. I've seen my share of drunks and rough behavior, but I still have to say n-..."" The mountain man again interrupts: ""Before you say yes, I gotta warn ya... there's gonna be some SEX. After being alone for so long the neighbors get a little frisky after drinking my moonshine."" At this, his curiosity was piqued. ""Sir, I've seen things in New York City you've only dreamed of, I'm sure I can handle this backwoods party. I'd be happy to come to your party. I suppose it's the neighborly thing to do."" The mountain man was delighted. With the party only hours away, Tom decides to follow the rusty old pickup truck to the cabin where the mountain man lives. While waiting for the party to start Tom tries the sweet berry moonshine. He has tried every liquor imagined while working at the bar, but this by far was one of the best he has ever had. After a few hours of drinking and talking to the mountain man, Tom realizes that no one else has shown up to the party. He asks, ""When will the neighbors arrive?"" The mountain man responds: ""Oh, in these mountains there's nobody around for a hundred miles. So what do you want to do next, fight or have sex?"" Tom gets scared and tries to sprint for the door as the mountain man proclaims: ""I guess we're going to fight first.""" +40476,3,How many ants does it take to fill an apartment? Tenants. +40477,1,"What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? ""Get in.""" +40478,0,"funny Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all. " +40479,6,"A cowboy is captured by a Native American tribe. The chief approaches the cowboy and tells him, ""Your people have encroached upon our lands and killed our brothers, We may kill you in retribution. But we are generous. We will offer you one request per day for the next three days. Choose wisely. What is your first request?"" The cowboy thinks for a moment and asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy whispers something into its ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful blond on its back. She dismounts the horse and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the second day, the chief approaches the cowboy and says, ""White man. You have two requests remaining. Think not of carnal desires but of how you might redeem yourself. What is your second request? Again the cowboy asks for his horse. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy again whispers something into the horse's ear. The horse takes off and arrives back that night with a beautiful red-head on its back. The red-head dismounts and spends the night with the cowboy making passionate love. On the third day, The chief again approaches the cowboy and says, ""White man, today is your final request. Choose wisely. You may yet redeem yourself."" Without hesitation, the cowboy asks for his horse one more time. The tribesmen bring the horse and the cowboy grabs it by both of its ears, looks it in its eyes and yells, ""POSSE, GODDAMNIT. BRING THE POSSE!""" +40480,1,"Tax season She said she wants me to do her like I do my taxes. I replied, sorry I'm not intuit..." +40481,3,People frequently tell me I'm condescending. (meaning I talk down to people) +40482,1,I think I've discovered a new aphrodisiac. And it's actually free! It's called loneliness. +40483,0,What does Michael Jackson do when he gets kids to the top of the Empire State building? Tosses them off. +40484,1,What do you call a Colombian coffee farmer? A grounds keeper. +40485,0,"Hurricane Drugs According to the U.S Coast Guard there have been dozens of kilos wash up on the shores of the east coast. They popped up after the hurricane passed by They knew the coke couldn't have come from the eye of the hurricane, it had to come from the nose of it." +40486,3,"The day I met her, I knew she was a keeper. She completely lacked the skill, style or flair necessary to play out-field." +40487,1,"A ramp asks a deck ""yo deck, why weren't you at the ramp party?"" The deck says ""I had no inclination""" +40488,1,"You know what song would really fit in an ad for Bell's Palsy medicine? ""I Can't Feel My Face"" by the Weeknd. " +40489,0,"Four Fonts Walk Into a Bar The barman says ""Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"" " +40490,1,"What's the best part of a gypsy on her period? When you finger her, you get you palm read for free." +40491,1,Life's like a box of chocolates It doesn't last very long for fat people. +40492,0,"Everyone keeps telling me ""Kick ass dude!"" Now I'm in jail with an animal cruelty lawsuit" +40493,0,Whats the difference between a lawyer and a Catfish My Friend told me this yesterday: Friend-What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? Me-I don't know! -One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish. +40494,1,i had to break up with my girlfriends because i was making references to Bethesda games what a strange thing to fallout for +40495,1,"Bushwick Bill just passed away (RIP) I heard the depth they'll bury him is ""about six or seven feet""" +40496,2,"I helped my friend Richard move into his new home, It was a total Dick move." +40497,5,What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 Deer nuts are under a buck. +40498,1,What was the favorite fruit of Beethoven? Banananaaaa Banananaaa +40499,3,"My German friend asked me if there were any nicknames for blind people in America... Apparently, not-see was the wrong answer." +40500,3,"And now, here's a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline. You're welcome." +40501,0,What’s the square root of 69? Ate something. +40502,1,Migrants are no longer welcome in the Greek island of Lesbos... as some people munched up the red carpet. +40503,3,"Poetry contest A redneck and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first. Amongst the desert sands Away ride the caravans Camels leaving, two by two Destination: Timbuktu The audience applauds, thinking that the redneck does not have a chance. Then the redneck goes. Me and Tim a'huntin' went, Found some whores in a pop up tent. They was three and we was two So I bucked one and Timbuktu! " +40504,1,I don't want one of the new £ coins. I don't like change. +40505,4,"My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying. I asked her what she had in mind. “Doctor and patient roleplaying” she said. “I’ll be the doctor.” “Sounds good to me!” I said. So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall. I knocked on the door and hear her say: “Do you have an appointment?” “Well, no...” “Then please wait in the waiting room” She was building up tension. I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now. " +40506,1,"Room no. 13 One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. ""Hello, I want a single room for the night please."" ""Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13,"" says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by last night's events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill. ""How was your room sir?"" asks the receptionist. ""Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?"" asks the man. ""Well. actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture,"" says the receptionist. ""What?"" says the guy, very surprised indeed. ""That's amazing."" He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, debating whether his buddies will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he's told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion. The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. ""Room 13 please."" ""Certainly, sir, here's your key."" After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o'clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10. After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks. After a few weeks, the story reaches the President. The President decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs. After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 0'clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the President has heard. The President gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life. Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, ""Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's $50 as a welcome gesture."" Curious, the President asks the receptionist, ""Well, that's strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?"" ""Well, sir,"" says the receptionist. ""This is the first time we've filmed a porn movie with a President in it!""" +40507,2,"I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed.. It was a complete flip - flop" +40508,0,"How do you recognise a taxi driver? On his pale body, one of his hand will be sunburned" +40509,0,I hear people say that orange is the new black Well in my apartment building Kevin is the new black. +40510,4,"If Bruce Willis dies from an overdose of viagra, the headlines would be Bruce Willis dies hard ​ ​ ok I'll leave now" +40511,0,What do you call a farmer in a rice field? Paddy +40512,2,"What Do You Call a Black Man on the Moon? # AN ASTRONAUT, YOU FUCKING RACIST." +40513,3,Here is a long joke about time travel Edit: Removed since you guys didn't like it. +40514,2,What's the difference between you and your father? One of you came in to your mother and the other came out. +40515,1,Communism jokes aren’t funny... ...unless everyone gets them. +40516,2,"Japan just had an earthquake, I saw it on TV. It was a ground breaking news" +40517,0,"Bigges TS fan In a quest to becomes the biggest Taylor Swift Fan, Sam Curry of Illinois ended up becoming the 35th recipent of the “World’s Heaviest Man” Title" +40518,1,Lazy is a very strong word! I prefer to call it Selective Participation +40519,2,"A man goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged... ...The doc says, ""Ok, how big do you want it to be?"" The man says, ""Big as I can go."" The doc says, ""Well ok, but sometimes these things don't work out well."" So the doctor performs the surgery, attaching a baby elephants trunk to the man. The man wakes up and is very pleased. ""Yes! Thank you so much! ""I'm gonna get so much tail its gonna be great!"" he says. A week later he is out on his first date after the surgery. He and his date are sitting at the table eating dinner when all of the sudden the mans penis comes out from under the table, feels around a bit, grabs a roll and disappears back under the table. The woman notices but doesn't say anything. A couple minutes later it happens again. The penis comes up, grabs a roll, then disappears. This time the woman is bothered and she says quietly, ""Is that gonna happen again?"" To which the man replies, ""God I hope not, I don't think my ass can fit another one of those.""" +40520,0,Why are Scottish negotiator teams so good at verbal persuasion? Because talking is cheaper than shooting. +40521,0,He who defends themselves in court... Has an idiot for a lawyer and a fool for a client. +40522,2,"A man is at a restaurant and he asks a waiter,”Sir, are you not going to season my food?” And the waiter replies,”I’m sorry but I don’t have thyme.”" +40523,1,Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is monogamy. +40524,0,"I made six figures last year! A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a Cherokee, a Latina, and a Spaniard!" +40525,4,"A girl calls her boyfriend and says... come over to my house, there's no one home. He goes to her house and there's no one home" +40526,1,"Suicide Prevention A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?” She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!” He shrugged and turned away saying, ""Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.” She didn’t jump. " +40527,3,My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time He’s eating his words right now. +40528,2,Did you know 3/2 people have trouble with fractions? +40529,3,"Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it The plot thickens..." +40530,0,"Two trees are playing hide and seek... One is hiding, and one is seeking. The tree who is hiding jumps out from behind a bush, scaring the other tree. The tree who is seeking says: YEW surprised me!" +40531,6,My son swallowed several coins the other day. I've definitely seen some change in him. +40532,3,"Mickey stands before the judge... Mr. Mouse, I am sorry but you can not divorce your wife Minnie because she is, as you say, extremely silly. Mickey buries his head in his glove and exclaims, “ NO! I said she was fucking goofy!”" +40533,0,What's a weeb's favorite US state? Ohio. +40534,3,What's the main cause of emigration in Ethiopia? The wind +40535,1,What do you call an unfinished blow job? A bluejob. +40536,2,Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat. +40537,2,"Why did Al Capone refuse to carry pennies? Because he hates coppers, see?" +40538,0,Don't trust Bernie Sanders... A Jew wanting to break up the banks doesn't make sense *not meant in any way that would be seen as prejudice *obligatory post trigger warning +40539,2,I’ve decided that from January 1st I’ll only watch things in 1080p and above. It’s my new year’s resolution +40540,1,Hmm...skepticism... Do you have any sources for that? +40541,0,What do you call a hurricane whose had too much vodka? A Harvey Wallbanger +40542,1,"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN v/s MAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked ... with beer." +40543,0,Why don't you trust atoms? They make up everything. +40544,1,"How do you know if someone is a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? You will know if they stay up late at night wondering if there really is a Dog." +40545,1,What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls? Just go ahead and walk him so you can pitch to the rhino. +40546,2,What does Coors Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? They’re both fucking close to water. +40547,0,"They say ""Drive sober or get pulled over."" That's why I drive buzzed to evade the fuzz. " +40548,4,"I'm hooked on abortion jokes, Gladly, they'll never get old." +40549,2,"Many years ago during my married days... Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: ""Are you okay? What's your name?"" ""It's John, and I'm okay, thanks,"" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. ""John,"" she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) ""forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."" ""That's mighty nice of you,"" I answered, ""but I don't think my wife would like it."" ""Oh, come on now,"" Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. ""Well okay,"" I finally agreed but thought to myself, ""my wife won't like it."" After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. ""I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."" ""Don't be silly!"" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. ""She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"" ""Still under the cart, I guess.""" +40550,2,"I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam. He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!" +40551,1,What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman doesn't? Her naval. +40552,1,"20 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope, and no cash. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die too." +40553,0,"A bald eagle swoops down and gobbles up a mouse running across a parking lot. He fly's up to ten thousand feet and is just circling around when the mouse sticks his head out of the eagles ass and looks down. The mouse see's he is very high in the sky and said to the eagle, Holy crap! how high are we? The eagle responds, we are currently about two miles up. Wow said he mouse, really two miles up??? you wouldn't shit a guy would you?" +40554,1,What do you call a Soviet congress? Commie con +40555,1,Why did the Italian Homer Simpson buy his wife cheese? Because it was Formaggio +40556,0,I wanted to go bird hunting But I didn't quailify. Get it!? I didn't meat the quail-ifications! +40557,2,"What did the pirate say when a prostitute was sucking his dick? ""Thar she blows.""" +40558,1,"The Drink’s Machine A married couple wanted a divorce But they argued about who will keep the baby The judge asked the Wife, “Why do you want to keep the baby?” “Well, I made it in a process that took 9 almost 10 months,” The lawyer replied,” That’s a great reason. And you sir?” “Well if you put a coin into the drink’s machine and the drink comes out, is it mine or the machine’s?”" +40559,0,What do you call printer statistics? Fax +40560,3,"Electron walks into a bar, bartender says what'll you have? Electron says, ""I'm not positive, how about something that excites me.?" +40561,1,"I was staying at a hotel when the housekeeper would not stop banging on the door After a long time, I decided to get up and let her out" +40562,0,The best marine is a submarine. +40563,2,Don't trust atoms... they make up everything. +40564,0,Why did the robot get detention? Because he was accused of Boolean. +40565,0,Dad and Mom were trying to put the kids to sleep. Mom: The first one who sleeps first gets 50 dollars! In a moment of seconds Dad went to the kids and slept before them. +40566,0,"News headline 2016: GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR THE LEAVE CAMPAIGN. BRITAIN TO LEAVE THE EU News headline 2116: UNITED EARTH SPACESHIP CRASHES ON THE BIG ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF EURASIA. ANGRY LOCAL TRIBESPEOPLE SACRIFICE CREW, EAT BRAINS" +40567,1,"Virjin mojito Patron to bartender: ""This is not a Virgin Mojito."" Bartender: ""It is a Virgin Mojito, Sir."" Patron: ""No it's not, you fucked it up.""" +40568,0,The pope walks into a bar... That's the joke; that would never happen. +40569,1,What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards? a receding hare line +40570,0,Life Pro Tip: Tape bread to your shoe every morning. You'll be on a roll all day +40571,0,What do you call a Muslim Elvis Impersonator? Alam Shookup. +40572,0,How do you tell a beer keg and a new fish apart? *Kegs don't beg you to stop when you tap them.* +40573,1,What do you call an artist who loves making stew? Stewart. +40574,7,"Whoever decided to name girl underwear ""panties"" fucked up. How do you skip Cuntainers?" +40575,2,Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...” “...What have you got to lose?” +40576,0,"If you're a capitalist you might Shrug at the next Seagull you see... Ayn Rand, Ayn Rand so far away... couldn't get away!" +40577,0,What happens when you use siri? This. Ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am MMM MMM MMM MMM MMM MM MMM MMM MM ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am near me meme ram knees Millis Mass. boss moose moose moose Massachusetts Bosh who fuck off spell S Manama numb another the gospel of the cook temperature today liquid ass mother blooming in the hall supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Docia Bosch Bosch to Fish why is this weekend going so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so bad I mean come on seriously +40578,0,My best friend is an oven He roasts me +40579,1,"Just realized my poorly-upvoted posts end up being the answer to ""what did the driver do at the race track?"" [erased]" +40580,3,Protons have mass? I didnt know they were Catholic. +40581,5,"A hilly billy wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree. For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on ""Happy Times."" He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sittin on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview. The new journalist says ""tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies ""one time my neighbour lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it"" the journalist was like i cant write that, ""tell me another happy story"" the old man replies again ""one time my neighbour lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her"" the journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says ""tell me a story on sad times"" the old man looks down real sad and says ""i got lost once.""" +40582,0,Which animal has the biggest boobs? Ze-bras +40583,1,"Why did the Hedgehog cross the road? He went to see his ""Flat Mate""." +40584,1,"Relationships are like farts. If you force it, it's probably shit." +40585,3,Thanks for introducing me to minimalism. It is the least you could do. +40586,2,Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Don't worry neither have they. +40587,0,How do you like your eggs in the morning... Fertilised? +40588,0,"Why can't a vegetable win an argument? Cuz he always uses a straw, man!" +40589,2,"Jesus addresses the angry mob who are stoning a prostitute “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off, Mother.”" +40590,0,"Flags are like printers Buy it, be in denial for weeks about how bad it's getting, then buy a new one once all you have is a white sheet." +40591,0,"A duck entered a restaurant with three geese. The geese ordered a lot of food, ate, then left, making the duck responsible for the tab. The duck said, ""Why do I always get stuck with a bill?""" +40592,0,Why did Jack have sex with his sister? He wanted to do some analysis. +40593,1,My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged? I'm forum. +40594,0,"Young Martin Luther was meeting with the Pope and asked him... ""Father, why does the Church sell indulgencies? Shouldn't getting to heaven be about one's good deeds instead of their material wealth? And at the very least they should be cheaper, as the peasants here can barely afford their everyday bread."" The Pope took a long look at the boy's curious eyes and said: ""The intent is to provide believers with a sense of pride and accomplishment for securing their place in Heaven. As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the tax collectors and other adjustments at the year's crop yield. Among other things, we're looking at average per-family earn rates on a daily basis, and we'll be making constant adjustments to ensure that believers have ways to repent their sins that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via prayers and good deeds. We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the congregation has put forth around the current topics here on Vatican, our forums and across numerous printing press outlets. Our Church will continue to make changes and monitor congregation feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can.""" +40595,0,"What's interesting, intelligent and all round fun? Not you. " +40596,0,"I once had the pleasure of meeting Michael J. Fox. He shook my hand, and shook it, and shook it, and shook it, and shook it." +40597,0,"Is it okay to make political jokes now? No? Okay, i'll leave... " +40598,2,Opinions are like mixtapes I don't like to listen yours +40599,3,The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s. That explains alot about my Tinder matches. +40600,1,What’s better than throwing a baby off of a cliff? Catching it with a pitchfork. +40601,4,If two vegans are having an argument Is it still considered beef? +40602,0,Cheesy joke Cheddar +40603,1,Jimmy! That’s the third time this week you fell asleep in class. I don’t think you’re cut out to be a teacher. +40604,0,My IT guy set up his laptop in a wigwam because he thinks it improves his IT work. I just think he's in compy tent. +40605,0,A blind guy walks into a bar And then a table. Then a chair. +40606,3,"An Indian and a cowboy were buffalo hunting together The Indian suddenly knelt down, pressed his ear against the ground and said ""Buffalo come."" The cowboy was amazed by this and asked him ""how do you know this?"" The Indian replied: ""Sticky.""" +40607,0,Why don’t lazy people like cooking a stir-fry? Because they have to do a lot of wok-ing +40608,10,"My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.” He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!” So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally." +40609,0,"What did the Pyrophile say to the sexy fire? Mmm, Day Ash!" +40610,1,What's a mexican's favorite book Tequila mockingbird +40611,1,"I got pulled over for speeding recently I got pulled over for speeding recently The cop said ""Do you know how fast you were going?"" I said ""Sorry officer, clearly too fast, my apologies"" ""You were going 88 miles per hour"" I said ""I'm Sorry, I was trying to get back to 1955""" +40612,3,"I said to my wife, ""They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."" ""Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much.""" +40613,4,"I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me." +40614,0,"My ex works in a pharmacy. Whenever I want to spoil her mood, I go there to buy condoms for no reason. Sometimes I go there 3 times a day" +40615,1,What do you call a rectangle that is standing up? An erectangle. +40616,3,How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. +40617,2,"A rapist dies and goes to hell In hell he meets the devil and asks what punishment he will reap for eternity. The devil shows him to a room. The room has a table, a chair, infinite bottles of scotch, a glass and a NAKED GIRL DANCING in front of the table. The rapist couldn't believe his luck and gets super excited. Rapist: if this is hell I'd have been here earlier. The devil (chuckling) : oh but wait! I haven't told you your punishment yet. You'll have all the scotch you want, the glass will have a hole but the GIRL WONT!!! " +40618,0,"God says ""Great news. I've got a great idea for a #1 music hit"" ""Bad news is...we'll we can discuss that later"" #tearsinheaven" +40619,1,"So a student walks in late to the class... And the teacher asked “Where were you?” “I was on Mary Hill” replied the student. A few moments later, another student walks in. “I suppose you were around Mary Hill as well??”, asked the teacher. The student replied, “No madam, I’m Mary Hill”. " +40620,0,I like Jews how I like my cookies. Cooked in an oven +40621,3,"A man shows up at the pearly gates and starts to walk through. Saint Peter stops him, saying ""Hold on a minute, we don't let just anyone in, we have to check you out first. What's your name?"" The man tells him and Saint Peter checks his book. ""Well, it looks like you lived an OK life, nothing bad, but nothing really great either. ""What? Are you kidding?"" says the man. ""One time I saw these five big guys drag this girl into an alley. I knew they were going to rape her, so I marched down the alley and punched the biggest guy right in the face. I told him, 'If you want her, you're going to have to go through me!'"" Saint Peter says ""Wow! I don't have that in my book, when did that happen?"" ""Oh, about 5 minutes ago.""" +40622,1,"When I'm feeling down, I tend to look at pictures of my well-endowed ex-girlfriends... That really brings back some good mammaries." +40623,3,I wouldn't create a palindrome for a Klondike Bar. But I'd... Murder for a jar of red rum. +40624,0,"I put my root beer in a spherical cup... I ended up with a beer, my original root beer, a whole pie, and a third of a leftover pie." +40625,3,"I went to a swingers club on the weekend I got through the front door and the lady on the desk said “it’s £10 to get in, or you can pay £15 and you get a meal”. So I paid the £15 and went in. It seemed to be going alright - then this naked oily guy walked up to me and said “hello, I’m Amil”." +40626,3,My jokes aren't bad People I tell them to are just laughtose intolerant +40627,0,"How does an Iraqi swear? ""Saddamit!""" +40628,2,"A rich man meets a poor man around Christmas The poor man asks the rich man, ""What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"" The rich man replies, ""Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."" The poor man asks, ""Why are you getting her two gifts?"" The rich man says, ""Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.""   The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, ""So what are you getting your wife this year?"" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, ""A pair of slippers and a dildo."" The rich man asks, ""Why those two things?"" The poor man astutely reponds, ""This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself." +40629,2,"The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened one night. One morning, Old Man Richards woke to find half his cows slaughtered and eaten. Amid the corpses and bones were large, monstrous foot prints leading from Old Man Richards cows and into the forest. Word quickly spread of the butchering as Old Man Richards lived in the middle of the village and everyone who went about to trade that day had to pass by. That night, a horrible sound came from the chicken coups on Farmer Hopkins land. The same large foot prints from the previous night could be seen coming from the forest, passed Old Man Richards cows and into Farmer Hopkins coups. The village could not deny that something was terrorizing them and by mid day, every man woman and child had gathered in the center of the village near where the cows and chickens had been taken. The villagers came to call the creature the ""Midicrin"" after it's propensity to strike lands in the middle of the village. They deduced that the Midicrin would strike one of three places next, Miss Angie's prize loons, for which the village had become renowned for during the few times it traded with other townships, a blackberry patch owned by Ernest Eford who was somehow older than Old Man Richards, or Jack's sugar cane farm. Jack sat awake all night keeping an eye on the distant forest tree line and his sugar cane fields. After what seemed like an entire day's worth of time, a strange soft pounding sound startled Jack. A terrible creature as tall as the tallest building in the village with legs as long as Jack's entire body came lumbering toward him. Paralyzed with fear, Jack watched as the Midicrin stalked forward with a ghostly silence and grabbed a mouthful of sugar cane. As the beast continued his eating, Jack watched the monster suddenly lurch and hurl up his nightly meal. The beast fell for a moment before slowly getting back up and stalking back toward the forest. Jack called the meeting later that day to tell of his encounter that night. Everyone became loud with cheers when Jack told of how the beast fell ill after consuming the cane. Then, Jack told the town of his idea. Surly after not eating it's usual meal the previous night, the Midicrin would be hungrier than usual. Jack postured that if they fed Miss Angie's loons with the sugar cane, the beast would inadvertently fall sick again and the entire village, hidden in waiting, could come out at once and strike the beast. Jack gathered as much sugar cane as he could afford to lose and brought them next door to Miss Angie's birds. After setting the trap, the village waited for night to fall and the creature to return. Sure enough, the Midicrin came back, past Old Man Richards' cows, past Farmer Hopkin's chickens, and of course past Jack's poisonous sugar cane. The Midcrin came to Miss Angies birds and began to feed ravenously. It was only after a short time that it stopped, hurled out what it had eaten, and fell backward. The entire village, charging with pitchforks and lit torched, began to berate the Midicrin until it had spilled enough blood to surely be dead. The moral of the story, as Jack explained, was that a loon full of sugar helps the Midicrin go down. " +40630,1,The main difference between men and women.... .... is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used. +40631,2,"What did the fat sheep say to her husband? ""I love being a round ewe""" +40632,0,A penguin walks into a bar... lol can you believe it? +40633,1,"if Canadians say ""aye"" and Mexicans say ""si""... does that mean Americans say ""b""?" +40634,2,"Two flies are sitting on top of my head. Then one asks the other: *""Do you remember how we used to play hide and seek up here?""*" +40635,0,Quick Mafs *Me*: -Fingering abacus- No? NO! This doesn't add up at all! *Abacus*: 😏 +40636,0,Is Trump too old and senile to be president? Depends... +40637,0,A group of people decided to have orgy at a public park... ...they were in tents. +40638,2,What's the cheapest place to buy shrimp? A prawn shop. +40639,0,"The man who has insane head aches They are unbearable. The doctor says, they are from oversized testes and the only solution is castration. The man is distraught, but the headaches get worse - they get so bad that he finally goes to his doctor and agrees to be castrated to relieve the unrelenting agony of his condition. So the operation is a success - he no longer has testicles and he also has no headache - for the first time in years. Nonetheless, he now is without testicles and impotent. He begins to get depressed, so he goes out and buys a sports car. He feels a little better, so decided to splurge on a fancy new suit from a local tailor. The tailor measured him for a beautiful Italian suit and he looks fantastic while wearing it. As he's leaving, the tailor offers to give him some free underwear to go with his new wardrobe. The man says, ""Sure. I'll take a pair of small, please."" The tailor said, ""Oh no. You are not a small, you need large... I know, I measured you."" The man says, ""No, you are wrong; I've worn small all my life."" The tailor said, ""Look, if you wear small, it will constrict your testicles and give you such a jolt of pain that will travel right up your spine and give you unbelievable migraines... You are a large...""" +40640,4,What's the difference between a good joke Timing. And a bad one? +40641,1,Scientists walk into a bathroom Scientists walk into a bathroom. How do you tell them apart? The physicist stands at the perfect distance to pee into the urinal without any splashback or dribble. The biologist saves a urine sample for later analysis. The chemist washes his hands *before* he pees. The computer scientist doesn't have time to go to the bathroom. He pees in a jar at his desk. +40642,0,What do you call a haunted glass door? A squeegee board +40643,1,"What was Marie Antionette talking about? What the hell is a ""meat cake""? " +40644,0,"A guy and a girl are out on a blind date. The guy asks ""So, what do you do for a crust?"" The girl shrugs and replies ""Oh, I just don't shower for a few weeks.""" +40645,2,What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight? A Ticket +40646,1,You have the face of a saint. Which one? Saint Bernard. +40647,2,What do you call security guards at a Samsung store? The Guardians of the Galaxy +40648,0,My German friend wanted to visit the birthplace of motown. Hans' up for Detroit! +40649,4,"Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel. But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel. " +40650,2,What is the opposite of progress? Congress. +40651,2,"A man sails to visit a remote part on the coast of Ireland. As he comes close to the harbor, he sees an enormous, absolutely gorgeous Barque, docked in its own reserved spot. He ogles it for a minute, before docking himself and running through his checklist of things to finish before he can leave his vessel. He finishes, gets all his things, and goes to the nearest inn to book a room. As he walks in, he sees a man sitting behind a bar, washing glasses. ""This is a very nice place here,"" the traveler says. ""Would you mind letting me a room here for a couple nights?"" The man agrees, and after a bit of small talk, the traveler finds out that this man owns the place, as well as a few other establishments. Knowing this bit of information, the traveler decides to ask for a brief history of this part of the country. ""Why sure,"" says the owner, ""did ye walk the bridge on the path o'er here?"" ""Yes, I did. It was a very good-looking bridge,"" the traveler replies. ""Thank ye. Built it me self, I did,"" the owner spake. ""Brick by brick, stone b'stone. But no one calls me Connor the Bridge Builder. How about the school house ta the east?"" ""I saw that too."" ""Built that'n as well. From te ground up, I did. But ye won't hear anyone calling me Connor the School Builder. Did ye see the barque in the harbor?"" ""As a matter of fact I did. It's a beautiful ship. Did you build it too?"" said the traveler. ""Ye guessed right,"" said Connor, ""and yet no one calls me Connor the Boat Builder."" ""But ye fuck **ONE GOAT...**""" +40652,0,Why did the prisoner have such a long sentence? Because he wasn't very good with words. +40653,0,"Jenko: “Look, it obviously starts with… you have the right to remain silent…” Schmidt: [Whispering] “You have the right to an attorney.” Jenko: “You have the right to remain… an attorney.” Deputy Chief Hardy: “Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?” Schmidt: “You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.”" +40654,0,"Today my friend told me that I probably shouldn't go to school tommorow I am scared as to what he means by this, I'm not sure if I should contact police to warn them about him. I really don't like the thought that my friend would do such a horrid thing as to shoot up the school. That's it, I'm going to the police station and this 6 feet of snow covering all the streets isn't going to stop me." +40655,4,"Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'? Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'! " +40656,3,"I once held a door for a sperm whale. He said thank you. I said, you're whale cum. " +40657,0,Whats more bruised than an old apple? My asshole after a night with Caitlyn Jenner +40658,2,Lost one of my gloves at work today Things really got out of hand +40659,2,"A knocked on ma neighbours door this mornin and said ""can u have my children? Ill b no longer than,a few minutes,l promise"" ""sure"" she replied I said ""great! Git the knickers aff then""😂😂😂" +40660,0,An old fisherman was ask to comment on his record holding catch. He said it was “Reely Difficult”. +40661,0,What happened when the Samsung Note 7 was launched? It was an explosive success +40662,0,"Hot dog A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, ""What happened?"" ""Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp,"" the man explained, ""And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."" ""And?"" prompted the doctor. ""Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."" ""And?"" ""It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."" " +40663,5,I don't understand why ... I don't understand why Mexicans are so upset that Trump is going to build a wall. They should just get over it. +40664,1,"I had a friend who studied linguistics at Oxford. To help pay tuition he tried moonlighting as a writer at a nudie mag, but it didn't work out. He couldn't write a rhotic /r/" +40665,3,My driver's side window won't go down. So I guess I'm on a diet now. +40666,1,"My brother asked if we had any shampoo I told him, ""what's wrong with the real shit?""" +40667,4,Retarded Me: I just put my laundry in the fridge. Sometimes I think I am retarded. Friend: Oh! I do that all the time. Me: Put clothes in the fridge? Friend: No. Think that you are retarded. +40668,2,Why did the nose cross the street? No body nose. +40669,2,"A man opened his fridge and swore he heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song. After closer inspection, he realized it was just chives talking." +40670,1,"The Lumineers released a new song 'Gloria' which follows their trend of naming songs after women. Like their other hits Ophelia, Angela, Cleopatra and Ho Hey." +40671,0,What do you call a charged seal? A sea lion +40672,1,What kinda person doesn’t like pizza? A weirdough. +40673,1,I met the man who invented the windowsill. A proper ledge. +40674,1,"Aye girl, are you binary? Because i'd like to put my 1 next to your 0. I know, I know... Too nerdy and not a great joke, I came up with it last night. 0 laughed at it but I was hoping at least 1 would. " +40675,0,"So, the Navy just built an awesome gun. And I'm talking *awesome*. It's so cool, everyone on board orgasms when it goes off. The laundry bill would be pretty high for all the soiled pants, but the Navy is pretty effective about it. After all, they're experienced in handling loads of seamen." +40676,1,How do you make a tissue dance? You threaten to kill its entire family. +40677,0,"What did the Republican say when someone wished him a Happy Holidays? ""Thanks! You, too!""" +40678,4,When's the best time to procrastinate? Later. +40679,0,"A reporter asked Hillary how Weinstein's alleged sexual harassment compared to President Clinton's accusations. She answered, ""Close, but no cigar.""" +40680,1,"Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional ""Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,"" he said. ""I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"" ""All right, my son,"" admonished the priest. ""For penance, do the stations!""" +40681,3,What do you call an epileptic on a merry-go-round? A Fidget Spinner. +40682,1,A pilot and his co-pilot go on a blind date with the same stewardess. Let's just say more than one cockpit was being occupied that night. +40683,0,My girlfriend died shortly after I came... you can say I had her cream-ated. +40684,0,How do clowns make their soups? Laughingstock +40685,5,"Today my son asked me ""Can I have a book mark?"" and I burst into tears 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name's Brian?!" +40686,1,"An Englishman, an American and an Australian walk into a bar I don't remember the rest of the joke, but Donald Trump is a cunt!" +40687,3,"This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Well no, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she said. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted and left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.""" +40688,1,What's more disgusting than a hickey on a haemorrhoid? The girl who puts it there. +40689,0,The difference between men and women. Julie goes out for the night with 10 of her best girlfriends. She gets drunk and ends up going home with another man even though she's married. All her friends know where she went. The next morning as Julie hasn't arrived home her husband calls around the 10 friends asking do they know where she is. They all say they don't know. ​ Dave goes out for the night with 10 of his best mates. He gets drunk and ends up going home with another woman even though he's married. All his friends know where he went. The next morning as Dave hasn't arrived home his wife calls around the 10 friends asking do they know where he is. 6 of them say they left him alone on his way home and 4 swear blind that he's still with them. +40690,1,"Rest In Peace, water. You will be mist" +40691,0,What do you call a candle that doesn't burn you? Wicked cool. +40692,5,"A guy stopped me on the street today and tried to sell me a coffin... I said ""That's the last thing I need""" +40693,4,What do Ethiopians do at night? Starve. +40694,2,"If I had a dollar for every time I heard ""If I had a dollar"" jokes... I could pay someone to write better material" +40695,3,"Nsfw A boy was in the car with his mom Suddenly a dildo slams the windshield startling them. - WHAT WAS THAT MOM?? The boy screams. - Ehrm, it was just a fly honey, The mother explained nervously. - WOAH, DID YOU SEE THE DICK ON THAT THING??" +40696,0,Why do young mothers need nappies? Because they should never leave their children alone! +40697,1,"A 10 YO boy can't speak... A mother had a ten year old boy who couldn't speak. For years she had taken him from doctor to doctor, and he had seen a hundred specialists, but they were all stumped. The boy just couldn't talk. One day, Mom was having lunch with her friends, and her son came up in conversation. One of the ladies, whom she hadn't met before, mentioned she had a nephew with the same issue. This boy's mom had taken him to a doctor who had finally solved his problem. But she warned that his methods were a little strange. Mom didn't care. By this point she was desperate. So the next day the boy and his mother went off to see this new doctor. The Doc gave the boy a quick examination, and then asked him drop his trousers. The boy complied. The doctor then reached out, grabbed the boy's testicles, and twisted them. The boy screamed out ""Ayyyyy!"". The doctor said ""Good. Tomorrow we work on 'B'!""" +40698,1,"I had to go to the Doctor today... I got their early and already his office was very busy. I saw him walking in the door and said ""Doctor Doctor, I feel like I'm becoming invisible."" He replied ""Sorry I can't see you today.""" +40699,0,"What would you say to an over-privileged female feminist? What would you say to an over-privileged female feminist? Who says that women are practically *enslaved* by men, that young *virgin* males should be castrated so they won't do any form of *rape* and that women are better off *without men*. While avoiding to be called for online harassment, even at the comfort and *safety* of her own home? *Tell her that the house she lives in is a ""Man-made"" structure* OP used ""Man-made"" joke! Over-privileged female feminist is triggered! (I'm just making an ironic joke) (Please don't assault me...)" +40700,3,My mind is like Internet Explorer I don't use Internet Explorer. +40701,2,Why do people never eat clocks? Because it's really time consuming. +40702,1,"Girl: So how did you hurt your foot? Boy: Well we were camping out and this giant Grizzly Bear came out of nowhere, reared up on his hind legs, roared, and then started charging us! So I ran in front of him, shouting, ""Oh no you don't!' And then I kicked him where it hurts the most and he ran off into the woods whimpering. Girl: Wow! Was everyone OK? Boy: Well I feel sorry for that one fellow. Girl: What fellow? Boy: The one wearing the Grizzly Bear suit." +40703,1,Where does a General keep his armies? Up his sleevies +40704,0,"A mum and son went to the hospital to see a doctor The doctor comes back with the report. He says, ""I have good news and bad news. The good news is you will be always get a parking really close to all the malls and your son will no longer need to walk."" The mother replies "" Why, our local mall is the busiest in the county?"" The doctor said, ""Your son lost all his limbs, severe brain damage and had trouble moving. We need $100 in return for the chair to transport your child. Have a nice day.""" +40705,2,"Sweet jeebus, this panda is hurt! Quick call the bamboolance." +40706,0,"My roommate is painting and makes a mistake... Him: ""gah why can't I Ctrl-z!?"" My inner dad: ""because z is a rouge letter""" +40707,4,"Important PSA!! I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam: I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I couldn’t turn them down. When I got them back to their place, they insisted on thanking me with a drink. I tried to decline but they wouldn’t budge. As soon as I got into their apartment, they were all over me. There was nothing I could do, there were two of them! Before I knew it, they had stripped me naked and were having their way with me! First it was one of them, then the other, then both at the same time! When all was done, I got dressed and left. It wasn’t till I got back home that I realized that while I was busy with one of them the other had stolen my wallet! Anyway, this is just a heads up: Wal-Mart has wallets for as little as $5. I’ve already been robbed three times this week. " +40708,1,"Roses are red, silent as a mouse... your door is unlocked, I’m inside of your house." +40709,3,Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state. Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes. +40710,1,When you're applauded as a wonderful lover but it turns out you don't kiss during sex. You're all lip service without the lip service. +40711,0,Here I sit brokenhearted. Paid a dime and only farted. :o( +40712,1,What happens when you plant a cow? It grows into a bovine. +40713,2,I'm so in debt I could start a government +40714,5,"Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income Guy 1: How did it go last year? Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house. Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family? Guy 2: What does your sign say? Guy 1: No work, wife and 2 kids to support. What does your sign say? Guy 2: Need a few bucks to go back to my country. Edit: the original joke had an ethinicity attached to it, removed it so doesn't hurt anyone. Add what ever that makes you laugh away when reading it." +40715,0,Three girls are being interrogated by the FBI Two normal girls and a blonde are being interrogated by the FBI At gunpoint The first girl says EARTHQUAKE and manages to escape The second girl says TSUNAMI and got away as well The blonde says FIRE +40716,0,Snowmen and snowwomen are becoming sick. They are catching a cold. +40717,3,"I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos Now they won't post m'loan." +40718,10,"The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.” I said, “Just ignore them.”" +40719,0,"Meanwhile... at a kamikaze pilot training camp ""Watch closely, I can only do this once.""" +40720,0,"An open letter to my mother in law Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement. Yours sincerely Now fuck off " +40721,0,"Austrian joke: Graf Bobby and Graf Rudi meat in the street Graf Bobby asks: Graf Rudi, why do you wear one black shoe and one brown shoe? Graf Rudi answers: Oh no! I have another pair like this at home!" +40722,0,"...use dictate in a sentence. The Little Rascals were in school when their teacher asked for a volunteer to use the word ""dictate"" in a sentence. Alfalfa raises his hand immediately, but the teacher calls on Spanky who simply can't use such a big word in a sentence. Teacher then asks again for a volunteer, ignoring Alfalfa's frantic waves, and sees that no child wants to stand up and make any sentence with such a word. Finally, after watching Alfalfa waving both of his hands nonstop she reluctantly calls on him. He stands up, giant smile on his face, turns to Darla and says ""Hey Darla, how my dictate last night?"" " +40723,2,What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield? Its ass. +40724,1,What do you call a smell that lasts for a very long time? Eon Musk. +40725,2,"A blonde walks into an appliance store... She goes to the clerk and points behind him. ""I'd like to buy that television there."" she declares to the clerk. The clerk turns around, glances back at the lady and says ""We don't sell TVs to blondes."" discouraged she walks out of the store. The next day she comes back in hopes a new salesperson was working. ""I'd like to buy that television."" pointing again to the one behind the clerk. Angrily he grunts ""Listen lady, I told you yesterday we don't sell TVs to blondes."" She again storms off. She comes up with a plan and buys a red wig. Again she walks into the store, walks up to the clerk and exclaims ""I would like to purchase that television."" the clerk sighs, ""I already told you, we don't sell TVs to blondes!"" ""But how did you know it was me!?"" She asks, ""Because that's not a TV, its a microwave.""" +40726,10,"My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** ""Do you know any jokes?"" **Me:** ""No."" **Her:** ""I'll teach you one."" ""Knock! Knock!"" **Me:** ""Who's there?"" **Her:** ""Ash."" ""Now ask, Ash: who?"" **Me:** ""Ash: who?"" **Her:** ""Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."" **Me: rekt**" +40727,0,Two Indians went into an American bar. Only one got out. +40728,2,"I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you. You know the type, the ones that watch you masturbate. " +40729,0,"A question was asked in a talent contest A question was asked in a talent contest: If you're married to one of the twin sisters, how would you recognize your wife? The award winning answer was... ""Why Should I?""" +40730,0,I see said the blind man To his deaf wife who told their mute son to shut up +40731,2,Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.' Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs. +40732,1,What did the Cheerios bees girlfriend say when he was taking too long during a handjob? Honey nut +40733,0,What's the French word for airbag? Airbaguette +40734,1,What do big booty bitches and people from Yorkshire have in common between 9-5? They both go t'werk -This is a little forced I know but it was the result of a little shittalking and I'm proud of it. Ey up!- +40735,4,Why was the musician arrested? He fingered A Minor. +40736,2,I decorated my parking space the other day. It changed a whole lot. +40737,0,"I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice." +40738,1,Old MacDonald was dyslexic H-R-T-Q-P +40739,1,"I'm a heroine addict Wonder Woman, Super Woman, Batgirl--I just can't get enough of them!" +40740,0,Where do Poké Balls go on vacation? To the Poké Balkans! +40741,0,What do you call Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards if they're hosted by Kevin Spacey? Nickelodeon's Kids' Lack-of-Choice Awards +40742,2,This might be a bit rascist: What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic +40743,0,"There are 10 kinds of people... Those who understand binary code, And those who don't." +40744,2,"Women are like blackjack... I’m trying for 21, but I keep hitting on 14." +40745,2,"Sergeant says to Corporal: ""I didn't see you in our camouflage class"" CPL replies: Thank you sir!" +40746,0,"Have you seen the new reddit app update? ""Yeah. They really blueit this time.""" +40747,1,"I tried to be gay but I failed the exam. Squeezed by on the anal, choked on the oral." +40748,2,"Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend (Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out) Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it all in one day. Anything more we shoot this weekend will just go to waste, so we might as well pack up and go back home and spend the weekend at the lake.” “Yeah, you’re right,” Ole replies. So they get in the truck and start heading home. While still in the woods, Sven tells Ole, “Ole, I really have to go.” “Can you wait?” Ole asks. “I think there’s a town here in about 10 minutes.” “No, I really have to go now!” Sven says. So Ole pulls the truck over and points to a tree and says, “why don’t you go over there behind that big tree?” So Sven gets out and goes behind the tree. About 10 minutes later Sven still isn’t back and Ole gets an idea. He goes back and grabs some of the deer guts. He sneaks up behind the tree and plops them under Sven and then sneaks on back to the truck. About 2 hours later, Sven rounds the tree with a huge grin on his face and proudly marches to the truck. “What took you so long?” Ole asks. “Well Ole, you’d never believe it! I never thought they really meant it when they said it, but I really did poop my guts out! But by the grace of God and a stick, I got them back in.”" +40749,0,So I was talking to a gay guy about relationships. He said His ex was an Asshole. +40750,2,What do you call a person who spreads flu? Influenzer +40751,0,These well jokes are starting to run deep... Good thing they're not drawn from the well of reposts. +40752,0,I have a friend who recently joined a religious yogurt group. He didn't realise it was Ya-Kult. +40753,4,"A guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke."" So the guy says, ""A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke."" So the guy says, ""A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""here you go."" So he gives the guy a drink."" So he gives the guy a drink."" So he gives the guy a drink." +40754,3,I had a wet dream last night about dogs... Talk about coming in my boxers. +40755,0,"My dad is from the North, my mum is from the South. When it came to marriage, they met in the middle." +40756,2,Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues. They're the account ants +40757,0,I got a fortune cookie without a fortune in it.... It was rather unfortunate +40758,0,Did you know most baking companies are family owned & operated... they're all in bread! +40759,2,"Want to hear a Cthulhu joke? Never mind, it's an old one." +40760,1,"Went to the first baseball game of the year with my wife yesterday We made a deal so that after every pitch, I would kiss her on the strikes and she would kiss me on the balls." +40761,3,My wife told me I ruined our vacation. How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling. +40762,1,Relationship Goals I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt +40763,7,"If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on… I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”" +40764,3,"Star Wars Trailer: No one is ever really gone... ""Meesa lead tha First Order to victory now, okietay?""" +40765,1,What do you call 10 CCs of Avocado? Avoca-dose +40766,0,What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? According to all known laws of aviation... +40767,9,What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F +40768,3,"An immigrant moves to New York City from another country... He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello! -Hello, what’s the problem? -You know Tom and Jerry? -Yes, Tom and Jerry? -Well, Jerry problem. " +40769,2,"Tell me what you want. I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned... ""I want my guitar back.""" +40770,2,So I was jumping on my trampoline the other day when a group of thugs started to approach me... So I decided to bounce. +40771,6,"I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine. " +40772,0,"Two boys walk in late to class one day... Two boys walk in late to class and the teacher asks ""Martin, Juan, why are you two so late?"" Martin says ""you see, I was having this fantastic dream where I was traveling the world! I visited so many countries and learned so many new things, I didn't want to wake up! That is why I'm late."" The teacher turns to Juan and asks ""and you Juan, Why are you late?"" Juan says ""I picked Martin up at the airport."" Edit: Wrong name in the last sentence. Went ahead and separated into separate paragraphs." +40773,1,What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine? Crimea river. +40774,5,"A Bus Full Of Ugly People Had A Head-On Collision With A Truck When they died, God decided to grant them each one wish. The first person said ""I wish I was beautiful."" God snapped his fingers and the person was beautiful. The second person wished for the same thing, and God granted that wish as well. This kept going on throughout the group, each person wishing to be beautiful or attractive or sexy. At some point, God noticed a man in the back of the group giggling to himself. When there were only ten people left waiting to make their wishes, the man was laughing uncontrollably. When the man's turn came, he was rolling on the ground, and when God asked what his wish was he laughed and said, ""I wish they were all ugly again!""" +40775,10,"Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: ""Windows frozen, won't open."" Husband texts back: ""Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."" Wife texts back 10 minutes later: ""Computer really messed up now.""" +40776,0,"Hyena A man using a crutch hops into a bar. As he sat in the bar with one leg hanging, he saw a crowd of people in one corner. He took a peek and saw a hyena just sitting while people tried telling jokes making funny faces but the hyena just sat still with no smile on its face. The man asked the bartender, ""excuse me, whats going on in here?"". The bartender replied ""its a small competition. Anyone who can make the hyena laugh walks away with 25000$"". The man decided to give a try and withwent a hanging leg he hops toward the hyena and whispered into its ear. The hyena eyes went wide open and started laughing uncontrollably. The man took the money and left the bar while everyone at the bar is left wondering what he said to the hyena. One week later the hyena was still laughing and a new competition was held where anyone who can stop the hyena from laughing without harming it wins 50000$. Everyone tried to stop the hyena from laughing but none of them succeeded. The same man with one leg hanging came into the bar and asked the bartender, ""can i give it another try?"". The bartender gave a sharp stare and let him proceed but the man asked a favor that he do it in private. The laughing hyena and the man enters a room and everyone stood behind the door trying to listen. They heard the hyenas laugh but suddenly stopped. When the bartender opened the door he saw the hyena eyes wide open with its mouth open as if it was shocked. The man took the money again but the bartender decided to ask what did the man whispered. The man said ""oh i just told the hyena the size of my penis and it started laughing"". The bartender soon asked what he did to stop the hyena from laughing. The man said ""oh i just pulled my pants""" +40777,1,"I showed up late at work. The boss yelled, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’.I replied *‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’*" +40778,0,Apparently men from Reykjavik have the largest penis sizes of all European men... ... and that's why Mums go to Iceland... +40779,4,"The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers “Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three?” “Four,” answered the boy. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?” “Jack.”" +40780,2,"Last year I wrote a joke about how I hold grudges, the audience didn't laugh. I still hate them." +40781,5,Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US? Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States. +40782,3,"A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box. The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards. “What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”" +40783,0,Why won't the internet replace newspapers? You cant kill mosquitos with the internet. +40784,1,"A man goes to the doctor... A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. ""Listen,"" says the Doc, ""I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience."" ""When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."" Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. ""Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years, and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"" ""Well,"" says the physician, ""I’m glad I could help."" ""By the way, Doc,"" the patient adds, ""You have a REALLY nice house.""" +40785,9,"My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit. She told me that she’s going to slam my head into the keyboard the next time she catches me on this site. I told her I’m the King of the Castle. I’m the man. I’m th mdjsinxnsks xnxn an . Kfizkn, xnxk’cj’O&:9m &:&ndjchsnapn :!.kskn !&/9nmsosk/ raeqbsn" +40786,0,Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered six offender. +40787,2,"There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example.. It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime. " +40788,3,I took the shell of my pet snail to see if it would move faster If anything it’s a little more sluggish... +40789,2,"A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying... A man purchases a lie detector that will slap you if you are lying. The detector is a small robot. He tries it at dinner for the first time. Father: 'Hey son, what you've done this morning?' Son: 'I was in school.' *Robot slaps son* Son: 'Okay, I've been watchin a movie in the cinema.' Father: 'Which movie have you watched?' Son: 'Toy Story.' *Robot slaps son* Son: 'Okay, okay - it was a porn.' Father: 'What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!' *Robot slaps father* Mom: 'Like father, like son.' *Robot slaps mom* " +40790,0,"How Worcestershire Sauce got its name In the late 1800s in New Orleans a chef in a restaurant had just whipped up a concoction to be applied to meat and he asked a waiter to take it out to a well-lubed patron for a test. The diner was of course most agreeable and added quite a bit of it to his cut of beef. Upon tasting it, he rather liked it and turned around to hail the waiter by clumsily calling out, ""Hey, whorsh diss'here sauce??"", and so the name was thereupon given." +40791,3,What did Donald Trump get on his SATs? Ketchup +40792,0,What do you find when you open a closed casket at a wake? Remains to be seen. +40793,0,"I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 1 year... Come on guys, it's not like I have 2020 vision. Ba-dum-tss" +40794,2,"My roommate is an underwearwolf. Every full moon, he puts on clothes." +40795,3,Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Man: Wait! I can explain everything! +40796,0,"A Good Dancer A girl and a boy are talking. The girl says, ""You would be a good dancer except for two things."" The boy asks, ""What are those two things?"" The girl answers, ""Your feet.""" +40797,0,"Was in a pub the other night and asked for.. ..a large gale, barman said ""sorry sir we only sell draught""" +40798,2,"Two Italian men get on a bus. Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ""Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."" ""You foul-mouthed swine,"" retorted the lady indignantly. ""In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"" ""Hey, coola down lady,"" said the man. ""Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.""" +40799,0,"Funny Farmer With Great Bull A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train and it's already 4.03 right now.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” " +40800,0,What’s a nun’s favorite sex position? Missionary +40801,0,Just landed at LaGuardia lol JFK +40802,2,Where do sheep go on vacation? The baaaaaahamas +40803,1,What do you call a dog that can lift a 10kg barbell? Strong +40804,6,"I've got an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses... Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off." +40805,0,Trump is ordering an investigation into his own claims of voter fraud Can he start with the frauds they keep putting in front of the voters? +40806,0,If a dishwasher breaks into a successful hiphop career... does that make them a rapscullion? +40807,2,I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables. +40808,2,I met a guy who gets sexually aroused by conversation. We were chatting at a party and it suddenly came up. +40809,0,Where does a king keep his armies ? In his sleevies +40810,1,"*GRANDMA IN COURT..* Brilliantly Hilarious: Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer! In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; _""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?""_ She responded, _""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams._ _I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.._ _You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you..""_ The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, _""Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?""_ She again replied, _""Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him.""_ The defense attorney almost *died*. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: _*""If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !*😜" +40811,2,When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. +40812,1,If you ever have a stroke just know that you'll be all-right. +40813,3,"...constipated blonde **Doctor:** ...whats the problem? **blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction. **Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek! ...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! **Doctor:** ...there's money here! ...*using forceps to pull out a £20 note*. **blonde:** ...How much is there? ...*still finding more.... £10 notes, £50 notes and some loose change*! **Doctor:** ...£1999.97 exactly! **blonde:** ...I thought I wasn't feeling too grand!" +40814,0,How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two +40815,1,"A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ""Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"" The doctor replies, ""It's very simple. You're two tents." +40816,1,"A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. He says to the doctor ""Doctor, can you remove this steering wheel? It's driving me nuts""." +40817,1,"Obama ran around the whitehouse with Biden. Their total time was 9:48. When they had finished Biden said ""Hey Barack, did we beat the record?"" Out of breath Obama said ""No, Bush did 9:11""" +40818,2,How did the linguistics professor punish the late student? He gave him a harsh sentence. +40819,2,my father was a podiatrist. lady: you’re just like your dad me: yeah i followed in his footsteps. +40820,1,Why do Jewish people have circumcised penises? Because they're 20% off +40821,4,I prevented a rape today. I convinced her. +40822,1,What sound did the plane make when it landed on the trampoline? Boeing +40823,4,"Two blondes are walking in the park and come up on a set of tracks One blonde says ""I think these are bear tracks"", the other blonde argues they are deer tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them." +40824,7,"Bros v. Hoes A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there." +40825,3,"I got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said, “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on."" I said, “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”" +40826,1,What was invented when the communist were defeated. The bye-sickle +40827,2,"The mathematician worked from home, Because he only functioned in his domain." +40828,1,"What's the difference between a blowjob and a cigarette? If you don't know, be very careful when someone asks you for a smoke" +40829,1,"Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation: - (my name) i'm pregnant Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with: - hi pregnant, i'm dad - ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?" +40830,0,My husband wants to try anal fucking pain in the ass. +40831,2,"A pig named lucky. A news show was doing a report on a local old farmer who had a pig named lucky. Lucky had 4 peg legs. Reporter: So, can you tell us the story of Lucky? How did he get his name? Farmer: Well one night, I awoke to the sound of my animals crying, and my barn was on fire. I quickly ran outside to let the animals out before it was too late. While I was in the barn, after letting the last of them out, a beam collapsed on me. I was pinned underneath it, fire all around me. I thought it was the end. All of a sudden, Lucky here came barrelling through the flames, lifted the beam off of me and dragged me out of the barn, saving my life. That's when I named him lucky. Reporter: Oh, OK. So what happened to his legs? Farmer: Well after all he did for me, I couldn't bring myself to eat all of him." +40832,0,Why did Isis declare war on the Kraft Foods corporation? Because all macaroni is a pasta c +40833,0,What did Christa McAuliffe tell her husband before leaving home to board the Challenger - You feed the dog I’ll feed the fish. +40834,3,A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits +40835,0,Why is Kevin Spacey so good at blackjack? Because he can hit anything under 18 +40836,0,What do you call someone who just passed away? A fresh democrat voter +40837,1,Why wasn't the scale factor afraid of a premature death? Because it knew it would dilate +40838,1,I'm going to tell you a joke about a broken pencil........ Never mind. It's pointless. +40839,0,"On being asked to describe Bill's penis, Melinda Gates could only think of one word... Microsoft" +40840,1,"How many hipsters at a microbrewery does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, incandescents aren’t eco-friendly." +40841,3,What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer testicles- they're under a buck! +40842,3,Surprise oral will make your day Surprise anal will make your hole weak +40843,6,"A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: ""Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor"". And the plumber goes: ""I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself""" +40844,0,How do you disappoint all Redditors? [Removed] +40845,9,I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. +40846,3,"A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar Blunt force trauma" +40847,2,"According to Jewish theology, at what point does a fetus become a person? When they finish med school." +40848,7,My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing. +40849,0,A— Is the end of an era +40850,3,My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney. Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway? +40851,2,"Sometimes I tell everyone I'm going for a shit, then sneak off and wash my hair instead. I have a sham-poo" +40852,0,Why did the guitarist get arrested? For fingering A Minor +40853,0,"A joke that last about 2 weeks: ""Caravans""" +40854,0,So my doctor told me I was constipated... Scared the shit outta me +40855,0,"Carl comes to the store and asks, 'do you have carrots?' Storekeeper replies no and Carl leaves. Next day Carl comes to the store again and asks for carrots. The storekeeper says no and Carl leaves. Next Carl comes back and asks for carrots again. Storekeeper, having had enough of the crap, punches Carl and knocks his teeth out. Next day Carl comes to the store again and asks, ""Do you have carrot juice?""" +40856,1,"A man who is into GILFs walks into a bar He spots his perfect type, early 70s, still pretty fit and dressed inappropriately for her age. He sits down next to her and buys her a drink. One thing leads to another and they are at his house getting down and dirty. He sucks on her tits and a mouthful of creamy liquid comes out. He stops and asks 'Hey aren't you to old to be lactating?' 'Sure am Honey but I'm not to old to have breast cancer.'" +40857,4,"I’ve searched high and low, far and wide for my wife’s killer. So far, nobody is willing to do it." +40858,0,I was at the market the other day looking at two bags of grapes for 15 minutes. Eventually I put them both down because they were both from California and I know how water-intensive grapes are to grow and how water-scarce California is. I guess you could say it was a… fruitless endeavor. +40859,2,A Book Never Written Do These Pickles Smell Funny? By: Fardhina Jarr +40860,3,"One day a hippie gets a ride on the public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have Sex, to which she immediately says NO and walks off the bus. The Bus Driver leans over and says ""Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have Sex with you..."" Naturally the Hippie asks, and the Bus Driver tells him that every night at midnight the Nun goes to an old Graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the Nun she will be forgiven if she has Sex with you. The Hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest Costume Shop. Later that evening the Hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the Graveyard and sees the Nun praying, on her knees. He says""Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have Sex with me!"" The Nun agrees but asks if they can have Anal Sex in order to keep her Virginity. The Hippie agrees and once they are finished the Hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says ""Surprise, its me the Hippie!""The Nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says ""Surprise, it's me the bus driver!""" +40861,1,"Not a plumber A couple that was married for almost 15 years where living a very boring life. Every day, the wife, would ask her husband if he could mow the lawn, but he would always answer saying: ""I'm not a gardener"". When the kitchen sink didn't work, she would ask him to fix it, but the husband would answer saying: ""I'm not a plumber"". One day, while he was outside working, a thief tried to rob the house, but didn't see there was still a woman inside. The wife cried, asking not to steal anything or hurt her, so the thief decided to gave her a chance. He said: ""if you don't want me to hurt you or steal any of your belongings, you can either bake me a cake, because I'm very hungry, or have sex with me in your bed. When the husband got home, she told him everything that happened, and the husband asked what type of cake she bake, and she answered saying: ""Well.. I'm not a baker""" +40862,1,"My lesbian neighbours just gave me a Rolex They misunderstood me when I told them ""I wanna watch""" +40863,1,This new restaurant opened up in my town. It's a BDSM themed Italian restaurant. . . . Their specail is the *Fetish*ini +40864,0,Never trust an atom. They make up everything. +40865,0,Why does Kanye West use a Mac instead of a PC? Because no one man should have all the power. +40866,1,My husband just told me he was jealous of my heart ❤️ Husband: I’m so jealous of your heart right now. Me: Why? Husband: It’s pumping inside you right now. +40867,4,What company is going to start selling pills that are the opposite of Viagra? Ubisoft. +40868,0,"So I just moved into a house on this subreddit, and I can't say I'm impressed. I'm heading back to r/funny ... [re-moved]" +40869,1,"My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance. But unfortunately, I blew it" +40870,3,"Talking frog A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'. The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'" +40871,1,I know a good joke about the Jonestown massacre... But the punchline is too long. +40872,1,"To all the single men out there - a warning I'm telling you guys this story so you don't make the mistake I did. I am a single guy looking for love, and yesterday I saw an ad in the 'Singles' section of the local newspaper that immediately grabbed my interest. It read like this: ​ *Single white female seeks male companionship. I'm a good looking French girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks and fishing trips and cozy winters nights lying by the fire. Candlelit dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door every day when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me ;-)* *Call (xxx)xxx-xxx and ask for Camille!* ​ She sounded like just the girl for me, so I called the number. Turns out >!Camille is a white fucking poodle.!<" +40873,2,How do you turn a kitten into a cow? You marry her! +40874,7,How do you cut the Roman Empire in half? With a pair of Caesars! +40875,2,Me: I know a person that thinks they're an owl. Them: Who? Me: Now I know two people[.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6um75p/comment/dltqceq?st=J6ISAUQ2&sh=e167edb3) +40876,0,There is one type of person in this world... The type who half understands statistics. +40877,1,What do you call a Vietnamese themed restaurant that only serves Indian food in Chinese take out containers? PhoCurry. +40878,2,"What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate? ... Your ears, listening for your wife coming upstairs. ( change wife to mom if you still live with parents)" +40879,1,An apple a day keeps the doctor away. You just gotta aim for the head. +40880,2,A condom walks into a gay bar. Gets shitfaced. +40881,3,"Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, ""See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election. Then Donald says to Hillary, ""That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."" Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, ""Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."" Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, ""What did you do with the pastries?"" Trump replies, ""Look in Hillary's pocket""." +40882,0,Who is the most workaholic person in the Bible? Job. +40883,2,"Are you a vet? A German tourist jumped in a freezing cold lake to save my precious little dog from drowning. After he had climbed out he handed me the dog and said: ""He is ze dog. Keep him varm and dry him off. He vill be fine"" ​ I asked: ""Are you a vet?"" ​ He replied: ""Vet?... I'm not vet. I'm fucking soaked to my underwear!""" +40884,1,What do we call Ex-Mormons? Desereters +40885,0,"Biker Joke #118 A group of Arizona bikers were riding south on U.S. Route 93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. They stopped to check out the situation. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, ""Hey baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" Tearfully, she replies, ""I'm going to commit suicide!"" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive,' George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-hero' opportunity either, so he asked, ""Well, before you jump, honey-babe, why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets big thumbs-up of approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, ""Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, sugar shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"" ""My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."" It's unclear whether he was pushed or jumped. " +40886,1,What did the dog say to the podiatrist after the diagnosis? Nothing... there was an uncomfortable paws. +40887,0,You know what they say about Donald Trump... He was born with a golden shower in his mouth. +40888,5,"A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told... ""You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."" The man replies, ""Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"" The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, ""When did this happen?"" The guy replies, ""About five minutes ago.""" +40889,3,"Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ""There's a car being towed from the parking lot,""he said. ""An ambulance just drove by."" A few moments passed. ""Looks like the Anderson's have company,"" he called out. ""Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."" Mom and dad shot up in bed. ""How do you know that?"" the startled father asked. ""Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"" his son replied." +40890,0,"knock knock., ""Who's there?"", ""Allah"", ""allah who?"" ""ALLAHU AKBARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!""" +40891,3,"Charles Dickens walks into a bar He orders a martini. The bartender asks, ""Olive or twist?""" +40892,0,"Our gym owner surveyed some of us asking our opinions about adding a sauna. I told him ""Hey, if you're worried about our opinions, I wouldn't _sweat_ it!"" " +40893,1,The thing I hate about crushing cans It's soda depressing. +40894,7,I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil. +40895,3,What’s a seal’s favorite social activity? Clubbing... I’m so sorry +40896,7,What do you do with a compressed folder of porn? Unzip... +40897,6,"20 canibals started working in an IT company After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that. ""No sir"" says the head canibal. ""OK"" says the boss and leaves them be. ""Alright"" says the head canibal when the boss has left ""Who did it?!"" ""I did!"" one of them admits. ""You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!""" +40898,0,"Happy 420 to me Happy 420 to me, Happy 420 to me, Its not 4/20 anymore, But fuck it, Its 420 to me!" +40899,0,Is it 2019 already? I haven’t made a joke since last year! +40900,1,My wife thinks it's hot that I'm so loyal to her. I said her sister told me the exact opposite. +40901,1,"Why programmers like unix? unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep...." +40902,1,People keep making apocalypse jokes... Like there's no tomorrow +40903,0,I made a movie about hypochondria but nobody came to see it. They shunned my depiction of a fictional affliction. +40904,3,"Paedophile in a van... A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out ""hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !"" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies ""Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"" " +40905,2,"There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come. His name was Sir Render." +40906,1,3 guys walk into a bar. You'd think the 3rd guy would have ducked. +40907,0,What's the difference between a 4WD and a rental car? A rental car can drive anywhere. +40908,1,Have you ever had African food? Neither have they. +40909,0,Hillary's Emails [REMOVED] +40910,2,"Lie Competition A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."" Of course, the Reverend was shocked. ""You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!"" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, ""Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?"" and ending with, ""Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."" There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. ""All right,"" he said, ""give him the dog.""" +40911,1,What do you call an insect playing the piano? BEEthoven +40912,0,"No, in your endo. If the pun is the flagship of English humour, then innuendo is the seamen all over it." +40913,2,"Why is the population in China so high? Because their condoms are ""made in China.""" +40914,1,Where do Italians get their stock photos from? Spaghetti Images +40915,2,What do you call a French hot dog? A Oui-ner +40916,1,"James Bond is going to be played by a woman As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools." +40917,0,Life saving home remedies: if you ever find yourself choking on an ice cube....... Quick drink a cup of boiling water +40918,3,I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants. It’s non-friction +40919,3,Overheard Tim Cook this morning when reading Samsung news about bending screens: That's it! iFold. +40920,1,A friend of mine died from a sore throat... ... Th**e**y hung him! +40921,7,"My wife is amazing She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!" +40922,0,Some stories can be determined with only a word. For instance... The word abortion determines that the child did not live happily ever after +40923,0,What do you call a French Jamaican? Lemon +40924,0,"T.I. takes his daughter to the gynecologist.. T.I.- ""hi man"". ""How you doing?"" T.I.'s daughter's doctor- ""Crushing it bro""" +40925,0,"I tried to sleep with a puppeteer but she denied. Guess she wasn't into ""No Strings Attached""" +40926,0,I've seen God. Since his stroke he isn't half the man he used to be. +40927,0,I walked past a really good looking hat in the store today M'dora +40928,1,I beat up a blind man... He did not see that coming +40929,4,"Little Johnny was sitting in math class when the teacher posed a problem. The teacher stated ""There are 10 crows sitting on a fence when a farmer fires his shotgun. Seven of the crows flew away. How many are left?"" Johnny replied ""There are none left."" The teacher replied ""Well, if there are ten and seven leave, then there would be three left."" Johnny then pointed out that ""If the farmer fired a shotgun ALL of the crows would fly away so there would be none left."" The teacher replied ""Three is the correct answer to the question, but I like the way you think."" Johnny pondered it a moment and then asked the teacher if he could pose a question. The teacher agreed t let him do so. Johnny then said ""There are three women sitting on a bench, each eating an ice cream cone. The first one is taking small nibbles of her cone. The second one is licking around the top of her ice cream. The third one is putting the whole of the ice cream into her mouth and swallowing. Which of these three is married?"" The teacher replied, ""Well, I'm not certain, but I'd say that the third one is married."" Johnny replied, ""The lady wearing a wedding ring is the one that is married is the correct answer to the question. But I like the way you think!""" +40930,3,How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Another two if I move my bike. +40931,0,Madonna would be a terrible heart surgeon.... she would make the patients do the surgery themselves... ​ \\*Open your heart...\\* +40932,3,"I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating..... My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me “what are them doggies doing daddy?” Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I blurted out instead “Oh they’re just making cakes....... let’s go on the swings” He looked inquisitively at the dogs and then back at me then back at the dogs and finally back to me, raised his little cherub face and said “You and mummy was making cakes last night wasn’t you daddy” This time I wasn’t going to screw it up I was going to be cool kept it real and told him the truth “Yes son me and your mummy was making cakes last night, how do you know?’ His faces beamed with pleasure and with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen he said “I know because I licked the icing of the sofa’ " +40933,3,"Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie! I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”" +40934,0,What's Red and smells like Blue paint? Red paint. +40935,3,"Went downtown for dinner with my wife last night When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, ""Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an ""a**hole."" He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a ""s*ithead."" He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Make America Great Again stickers. We try to have a little fun each day. It's so important at our age!" +40936,5,I'd like to thank /r/jokes for teaching me so many jokes! I've always hated the sound of laughter... +40937,3,What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life +40938,0,Why was the mouse afraid to cross the road? It saw the cat's eyes! +40939,3,What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile +40940,0,"Did you hear about the new spider they found? Instead of a brown recluse, it's a new brother to it called the Alabama recluse. Instead of having the tell-tale violin marking on it's back, it has a banjo on its knee." +40941,2,"A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea... and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible? Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure you would all agree is a very odd amount indeed." +40942,0,"A Billionaire, a Misogynist, and a Racist walks into a bar The bartender asks how he is doing in the election. Edit: shitty spelling and punchline" +40943,4,"A lady goes to the doctor... ...when the doctor says, ""I have some good news, and some bad news."" So the lady says, ""Give me the good news first."" And the doctor replies, ""Well, there's going to be a disease named after you..."" D:" +40944,5,"A man shows up to work with a black eye... His co-worker Buddy asks him ""Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"" Dan says ""I got it at church this weekend"" Buddy: ""How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"" Dan: ""Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress was stuck in her buttcrack so I pulled it out for her and she swung around and popped me in the eye"" Buddy: ""I bet you won't do THAT again will ya, Dan!"" Dan: ""You bet your life I won't, Bud"" The next week Dan shows up to work and now BOTH eyes are black so, of course, Buddy asks him if he pulled the dress out of the fat ladys buttcrack again. Dan says: ""Hell no! What happened was when she got up this time the dress was stuck in her buttcrack again and the fella next to me was the dummy who pulled it out. I know she hates if you do that so I tucked it back in there for her"" (Told to me by an old guy at work today) " +40945,0,"Have you heard about the Amazon being on fire yet? Turns out, it's a burning topic." +40946,2,What do you call a dead chicken? A poultry-geist +40947,0,What rhymes with Poland? Rubble during WWII. +40948,0,Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom sticks. +40949,2,"A digging exploration One day the US government decided to fund a digging exploration to explore the earth They built a gigantic machine filled with thousands of soldiers, scientists, engineers etc As they were digging through the earth's crust, the suddenly hit something big and had an emergency. At that moment, everyone on board suddenly had an existential crisis. Why? The speakers blared ""This is not a drill""" +40950,1,"Emergency Landing A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused. The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE. Tell the British this is an HONOUR. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, and tell the Germans this is the LAW. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out. The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from India and Singapore too. ""What about them,"" she asked. The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained, ""You need not tell the Singaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join it without questions."" ""And what about the Indians?"" she persisted. The captain laughed, ""Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE.""" +40951,1,What do you get when you cross Prince Andrew and Donald Trump? Suicided by hanging. +40952,1,Did you hear the one about the Scottish guy who loved haggis? It was offal. +40953,2,I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at Usually Christmas gets places really busy +40954,1,Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes. Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers? Me: They prefer to be called executioners. +40955,1,Why did Kevin Hart have such a short stay in the hospital? He has the money to pay for adequate medical service +40956,2,Why did the chicken cross the road (Punchline is slightly NSFW) slightly NSFW +40957,0,"2 Vegans arrive on an Arabian shore They debate wether or to pretend they aren't vegan. The villagers come and welcome them, they offer food and water. The first one says he's vegan and that he can't eat meat. The villagers eagerly give him hummus and falafel. They ask the second one if he is vegan as well. He says that it's fine, he'll eat anything, expecting to be sharing the meal with his friend. Villagers: Perfect! Happy Eid! Come help us get a goat, you will eat a big meal with us tonight." +40958,3,I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative My dealer has some explaining to do Edit: ok so it’s a very common joke and everyone who *posted it before me* did not come up with it either. I didn’t realise and I’m sorry. +40959,1,Why did the cannibal hire a sous chef? He needed a hand with dinner. +40960,0,Define Internet Internet: The death of the idea that your cat was special +40961,2,What gets better with age? Daddy's belt. +40962,2,I always thought I was good at limbo...apparently not... I must've just set the bar too high. +40963,0,Adam: Do you love me? Eve: Who else? +40964,1,Putting dogs on product packaging increases sales by up to 25%. Unless you are trying to sell tires or sex toys. +40965,0,"[Long] [NSFW] Three best friends walk in the forest John, Bill and Ted walk in the forest. Suddenly, a witch appears. The witch says: ""Humans, you will die, unless all 3 of your penises length combines to one and a half meters!"" Bill concerned asks: ""Exactly one and a half meters?!"" ""Yes, no more, no less!"" the witch replies. ""Hmm... I suppose I'll start"" said John, taking down his pants, everyone surprised, his penis is 1 meter long! Bill proceeds to take down his pants, his penis is 49 centimeters long! The two friends are afraid for their lives, as Ted announces: ""Don't you worry, friends, it is me, Ted, you're talking about!"" Rapidly taking down his pants seeing his penis length is only one centimeter! The witch is incredibly angry shouting and screaming ""WHAT DO YOU MEAN HIS PENIS IS ONE CENTIMETER LONG!?!"" letting the travelers move on with their journey as she vanishes into the woods. Now the three friends may continue their trip through the woods for a few seconds until Ted whispers them ""Haha aren't we lucky I had an erection, right?""" +40966,1,"There are two types of accident on the road. Over 80s doing under 20, and under 20s doing over 80." +40967,0,What Pokémon can you find at Auschwitz? Gastly +40968,2,How do you count cows? With a cowculator +40969,1,"English and Art teacher talk... English and Art teacher talk. English teacher: ""What do you teach?"" Art teacher:""Advanced Art."" English teacher:""Hence fancy scarf."" Art teacher:""Yes, what do you teach."" English teacher:""Advanced English"" Art teacher:""Hence hence?""" +40970,0,What do you call a dog's speaker? Subwoofer +40971,1,"A runner is running a 5k A runner is running a 5k, when another runner comes up to him. He asks him, ""Are you running the 10k race?"" He replies, ""Did you just assume my race?""" +40972,0,Santa Claus is real His name is Amazon Prime. +40973,3,We all saw the tape.... Donald isn't the first guy to pull out of Paris +40974,7,"Wife: ""Can you pick up milk?"" Me: *lifts gallon* ""Yeah, it's easy."" Wife: ""I mean from the store."" Me: ""I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"" " +40975,4,I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?” He spat on me and told me it’s raining +40976,4,Did you hear about the gay midget? His family waa so happy when he finally came out of the cupboard! +40977,1,Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents. +40978,2,Why do the Irish only allow 239 beans in each can? Even adding just one more would make it too farty. +40979,2,"How do you make a pig float? One cup pig, two scoops ice cream." +40980,0,I am pro choice I think people have a right to choose if they are gay or not +40981,1,Look out for Hugh's new kitchen range! My friend Hugh Jarrs has just endorsed a new range of kitchen equipment to compete with George Foreman. Look out for the Hugh Jarrs Grill. +40982,5,"The Tramp's Holiday There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. ""How can I ever thank you sir?"" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. ""Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."" ""Ah, well..."" stammers the tramp, ""... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."" ""Oh dear,"" says the father, ""I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."" ""No! No!"" says the tramp, ""Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."" ""Ten pounds,"" thinks the tramp, ""I'm rich! I'm rich!"" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. ""I'll have one holiday please!"" ""Ahem, which holiday would you like?"" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. ""Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds,"" replies the tramp. ""TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds,"" says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. ""Well you'll never believe it,"" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. ""I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."" ""Yippee!"" exclaims the tramp, ""I'll take it!"" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. ""Get off my ship ye dirty bum!"" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. ""But I've got my ticket!"", responds the tramp, ""super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"" ""Well okay,"" says the captain, ""but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."" So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. ""Psst,"" says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. ""Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."" The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6"" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. ""Sheer luxury!"" exclaimed the tramp, ""A room of my very own."" ""I'm glad you like it,"" replies the captain, ""but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."" Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... ... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. ""That was amazing!"" exclaimed the captain, ""Where did you learn to dive like that?"" ""Um, well I've never actually dived before,"" replied the tramp. ""Well that's incredible!"" says the captain, ""I've never seen..."" He broke off. ""Hey, I've got an idea"", he started again. ""How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"" ""It's a deal!"" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. ""Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."" ""Okay,"" agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. ""Well, tramp,"" said the captain, shaking his hand, ""Let's see what you can do."" And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb... up and up... below him the ship grew smaller... on and on... past a solitary albatross... and still higher... till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below... and on still further... till the ocean grew dim... and the earth itself... began to shrink... past our moon... and on... and Mars... and on... higher, and higher... through the asteroid belt... and on and on towards the diving board... past the outer planets, until... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System... he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain... and then... he jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, ""I CAN SEE HIM!"" yelled a passenger, ""LOOK!!!"" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL......... SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. ""HERO!"" ""WONDERFUL!"" ""AMAZING!"" ""GOOD SHOW THAT!"" And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. ""Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."" The tramp blushed. The captain went on, ""but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."" And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: ""Well you see... I'm a just poor tramp... so you must understand... I've been through many a hard ship in my life."" " +40983,1,"Did you hear the Joke they don't tell retards... No, Oh my bad." +40984,1,What do you call a shadow government ran by furries? The uwuminati +40985,0,"There are five people on a plane. The first is Bill Gates, the second is Christiano Ronaldo, the third is Micheal Jackson, the fourth is Tom Cruise, and the fifth is the pilot. While they are all in the plane, the pilot comes crashing in, and says, “The plane is crashing! We only have four parachutes, so one of us is going to have to stay here!” Immediately, Ronaldo grabs a parachute, saying, “I’m the best soccer player in the world! The world needs me!” And jumps out. Tom Cruise says, “people need famous actors! It’s hard to find good actors!” And grabs a parachute and jumps out. Bill gates grabs a parachute, saying, “I’m one of the smartest people on earth! Anyone can act or play sports, but not everyone can be smart like me!” And jumps. Micheal, being one of the two people still on, says, “I guess one of us is gonna have to stay.” The pilot replies, saying, “actually, we can both go! The ‘smartest man on earth’ jumped with my backpack! There’s still two parachutes left!”" +40986,0,"The Spice Girls reunion tour (with special guests Salt-N-Pepa) was just announced. It will be called the Allspice Seasonal Tour, presented by Old Spice." +40987,0,"Hair-Stylist Once I was asked, ""What would you do if you had your own personal hair-stylist?"" I was like ""What!!??"" . . . And after some thinking I said, ""I would stop styling my hair.""" +40988,0,"Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school She often fell asleep in class and one day while she was sleeping , the teacher asked her a question ""Who is the creator of the universe?"" Joe was sitting next to Josey and poked her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled ""God almighty"" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her ""Tell me who is the Lord and Saviour"" again Joe poked Josey she yelled out ""Jesus Christ!"" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked "" What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"" Joe poked Josey once more and she shouted "" If you stick that thing in me once more I will snap it in half and shove it so far up your ass!"" " +40989,1,Why do unvaccinated children not have autism Because they don’t live long enough to get tested +40990,0,"After a man's son is born, the doctor asks what he and his wife chose as a name. ""Well,"" he answered, ""we hadn't decided on anything, but I think we should call him Theophilus."" ""Why?"" ""Because he's Theophilus looking baby I've ever seen.""" +40991,0,Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. +40992,4,My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. +40993,0,"My employee asked me to take the day off for Martin Luther King Jr Day I told him it wouldn't be a problem, he would just have to make the work up on Father's day" +40994,2,What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time? That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking. +40995,1,"Trump wants to make America great again, Hilary wants to make America whole again. Together, they can make America a great hole." +40996,1,I wrote a song about tortilla's Well. It's more of a wrap. +40997,0,Do you know what rapper you'd find in a tool box? Plies +40998,2,Please do not judge all these Catholic Priests for what you've been hearing... They are all suffering from Porkin' sons Disease. +40999,0,"Despite suspected ties with the Trump administration, Russia did not pull out of the Paris Climate Agreement... They only ***Putin***" +41000,5,I'm a scientist doing research in bestiality. Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab. +41001,1,"A Recent Study Found That... ...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time." +41002,0,"Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane... The plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building. There were only 3 parachutes. ""I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute"" said Obama. ""I'm the smartest man in here so I'll take a parachute"" said Trump. They both grabbed their parachutes and lept out of the plane. The pope said to the young boy. ""Go ahead son, take the parachute"". The boy replied ""It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag." +41003,3,I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid... ...but my parents told me the sky was the limit. +41004,0,Why is the wife of the flower seller so happy everyday? Because her husband comes home everyday with a bunch of flowers. +41005,3,Einstein made a theory about space ...And it was about time too. +41006,2,"I worked in a German factory for a few years. I worked in a German factory a couple of years back. So one day I was doing my usual inspection and I noticed that one of the lights in the factory had stopped working. Being helpful, I decided that I would go up and fix it. I didn't have a ladder so I called to another worker ""hey Hans can you go get the ladder?"" He turned around to his friend (also named Hans) and said, ""yeah Hans can you pass me the ladder so I can help him fix the light?"" So he passed the ladder over to me. So at this point I realized that I didn't even have a replacement bulb for the light. So I called to a another worker named Hans and asked him, ""hey Hans no.3 can you go get me a replacement bulb?"" So he passed me the bulb. I was almost done, all I needed at this point was for someone to steady the ladder. Guess what? Another worker named Hans was passing by. So, I asked ""hey Hans can you steady the ladder?"" So the moral of the story really is that Many Hans make light work." +41007,2,My math teacher called me average. How mean. +41008,0,What do you call a dwarf with esp who escapes from prison? A small medium at large. +41009,0,"Whenever I go to McDonalds, they always ask me ""What can I get you?"" and I always say ""Give me a second."" And they always give me the number two." +41010,2,What do you call a half Mexican half German person? A Beaner Schnitzel. +41011,1,Growing up in a rough area I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head Life was tough in the Gateau. +41012,4,My wife told me I was immature... I told her to get out of my fort. +41013,0,Where do angry mailmen work? At the Pist Office +41014,0,For our 20th year anniversary I think I'm gonna take my wife to Japan. For our 60th anniversary I'm gonna bring her back home. +41015,0,"Mick Jagger's Big Announcement As Mick and his fellow musicians continue to age, they've decided on a new name for the group: ""The Rolling Kidney Stones""" +41016,5,"The Popes driver After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.) 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!' " +41017,1,A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people He had a real basket case on his hands +41018,0,Which weight loss guru do Democrats consult when the want to lose weight? Keto O'Roarke. +41019,2,"Two Grave Robbers Found Where Beethoven Was Burried. They dig for a while and finally get to his coffin. They open it up, only to see him erasing all the music that was buried with him. Terrified, one of the grave robbers screams! The other one turns to him and says, ""hey man, calm down! He's just decomposing.""" +41020,2,Why did the wheelchaired kid get bullied? He couldn’t stand up for himself +41021,1,"There once was a guy called billy, He had a ten ft willy, He stepped on a rake, And got bitten by a snake, Now his name is lilly" +41022,0,"How does Zinc wind up Copper ? It invites Oxygen round, always guarantees a reaction. " +41023,1,My magic camera lens keeps flying away and perching on things. It was aperture. +41024,2,"How do you know a chinese guy has been in your house? Your computer is fixed, your cat is missing and he's still trying to get out of the driveway." +41025,0,"I spent most of my money on women, cars and whisky... the rest I just wasted. If you hadn't heard this one, you needed to! There are multiple claims for who said it first. George Best?" +41026,0,What did the out of shape owl say? *wheeze* h-hooo *wheeze* h-hooo +41027,3,"A young boy was being bullied as school. The boy was alone in his room, crying, when his father walked in. ""What's wrong son?"" ""There's a boy at school, he keeps teasing me and calling me a fag."" he said sobbing. The father was shocked, he didn't raise no wimp! ""Well why don't you stand up to the bully- and beat him up?"" ""I can't!"" said the boy ""Why Not?"" asked the dad ""He's too cute!"" " +41028,2,"What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor? Girl, you are really getting on Minerva." +41029,1,It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr... ...ever lose their son Tim in a forest. +41030,2,I wrote a joke on Malaysian flight MH370... ....but don't know where it went. +41031,1,I’ve concluded that bread is better than Jesus. Bread only takes a few hours to rise. +41032,0,"My brother wanted to work a night shift at the mine ,..But it was too coal of a night to work" +41033,0,What do you call a woman with a purple vagina? Satisfied +41034,0,What's a feminist favorite trip? A Guilt Trip +41035,3,What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo. +41036,2,A professional juggler Is just someone who gets payed to play with their balls +41037,0,"What's the difference between a dad that's late to work and a child molestor? One shouts, ""Come on kids, fast!"", while the other comes on kids, fast." +41038,1,My family is the only reason I keep living I don't want to give those fuckers the satisfaction of my suicide. +41039,1,"My electricity went out, so I went to visit my friend in New York. It was definitely a power trip. (As heard on a really old episode of the podcast “Lexicon Valley”.)" +41040,1,"Hot Russian Catholic Girls (Or Orthodox, I guess) [NSFW] There was a bomb at the Russian Catholic Girls' school, and all the girls died. Being Catholic, they were greeted by St. Peter at the gates. They're all queued up and St. Peter says to the first one, ""Have you ever touched a man?"" She thinks for a moment then recalls, ""Yes, I did, I touched a man with my hand"" and she makes a stroking motion and St. Peter understands. ""Well, don't worry about it, just wash your hand in that holy water over there, and go inside the gates to Heaven."" So she washes her hand and goes into the gates to Heaven. St. Peter says to the next girl, ""How about you? Have YOU ever touched a man?"" She thinks and remembers, ""Yes, St. Peter, I did once touch a man, with my boobs"" and she moves her boobs, like, you know, and it's clear to St. Peter who says, ""That's ok, don't worry, go and wash your boobs in the holy water, and go past the gates into Heaven."" Suddenly, there's this great commotion towards the end of the line and St. Peter says, ""What's going on down there? Calm down, what's the problem?"" A girl steps out of line and yells, ""I HAVE TO RINSE MY MOUTH OUT BEFORE GINA STICKS HER ASS IN THERE!""" +41041,0,I can't beleive after all the shit they're back together. -My Asscheeks. +41042,7,"A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes... ...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, ""I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, ""I thought you were hanging yourself."" She said, ""Yes, I am!"" The husband replied, ""Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"" She said, ""I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.""" +41043,6,What’s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? Donald Trump’s tie. +41044,1,"A Slice of Pie in Jamaica Will Cost $3.00. Same Slice in Bermuda, $3.50. The Bahamas, It Will Cost $3.75. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. " +41045,4,I recently went to a vegetarian restaurant and a woman said she recognized me. But I had never met herbivore +41046,0,My friend and I were talking about stylish clothing stores in the mall It was a pretty Hot Topic +41047,0,"A cat asks another cat: ""Do you like this cut I got the other day?"" ""The cat I fought with made it from scratch""" +41048,1,What do people and jellybeans have in common? They come in all different colours an I love them all equally. +41049,8,"Premarital sex Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Dave said, ""I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"" Frank replied, ""I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" +41050,1,When I die I want to go out like my grandpa He just fell asleep and never woke up-unlike the people riding his bus +41051,2,"A dumb kid A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ""Hey watch this. This is the dumbest kid in the world."" The barber then proceeds to hold one dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. The barber asks him which he wants and the kid then takes the two quarters and leaves. ""See, I told you he was dumb!"" The next day the kid walks into the same barber shop licking an ice cream cone. The barber is alone so he asks, ""Boy, why do you always take the two quarters?"" The boy responds, ""Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over.""" +41052,2,"Puns are fun! What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo is really heavy, but a zippo is a little lighter." +41053,1,What do you call a nun on a wheelchair Virgin mobile +41054,0,What do you call a secret Chip? Nacho Business. +41055,0,"A mom and dad have two twin children— a daughter named Sally and a son named Billy. The whole family loves camping, so one year for the twins’ birthday, the parents decide to get them each their own set of camping equipment. They head to the store and buy two sleeping bags, two lanterns, two tents, etc. Everything is identical except the tents, one of which is green and the other one blue. Driving home, Mom asks Dad, “How will we decide who gets which tent?” Dad suggests that they set everything up in the back yard to surprise the kids. The first child to notice will get the choice. Mom agrees to the idea. They get home and set it all up. Not long after, the kids get back from school. Sally is distracted by a text from her friend but Billy saw the tents right away. Mom tells Billy to wait until Sally is ready. When Sally finally sees what’s going on, she’s ecstatic. “Which one’s mine?” she asks. Mom says, “Well, Sally, why don’t you try them both out and you can decide.” Billy was understandably furious. He thought he should have a say in the matter, too. Dad was annoyed, too. “What about our agreement?” he asked his wife. She answers, “What agreement? Sally’s in the present tents and Billy wasn’t.”" +41056,1,"My mom really want me to be heterosexual When I slouch, she always tells me if I sit up straight I will grow up straight" +41057,2,"A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad... After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video. The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it. Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo is shown: Nail Bay! The company is outraged and demand a new video saying this is offensive and inappropriate. After another 2 weeks another meeting is set for them to show the video. The video starts and the same take starts again, it's a desert, the tiny black spot, which as the zoom keeps going shows an empty cross. Then it shows Jesus running from it. The screen goes black again and it says. They didn't use Nail Bay, and Jesus now runs away! PS: sorry for English, it is not my native language and also I just typed this from memory on mobile." +41058,0,Why is it wrong to be on the left? Because it's not right. +41059,0,"Why are cigarette taxes such a safe bet right now? One way or the other, there's going to be a lot of smoking over the next four years. " +41060,6,Police are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog. +41061,5,"FBI AGENT TESTING Three men have been selected to become an FBI agent. They are standing in a hallway with three different interrogation rooms. FBI AGENT - You three have been selected for your special set of skills. There is only one test you must pass. In the individual rooms are your wives and a gun on the table; you must kill them. The first man enters ""INTERROGATION ROOM 1."" Roughly 10 minutes pass by, and the man leaves the room sobbing. MAN 1 - I just couldn't do it! Nothing in this world could make me kill my wife she means too much to me. FBI AGENT - That's understandable, unfortunately you do not have what it takes. The second man enters ""INTERROGATION ROOM 2."" Around 15 to 20 minutes pass and the man leaves the room in shambles. MAN 2 - I tried, I put the gun next to her head, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I've wanted to be in the FBI since high school but nothing could ever separate me and my wife. FBI AGENT - I completely understand, this is a great task to prove your worth. Unfortunately, you do not have what it takes. The third man enters ""INTERROGATION ROOM 3."" Several minutes pass and there are gun shots followed by a large crashing noise accompanied with male and female screaming.The man exits the room with blood splattered on him. FBI AGENT - What in the hell happened in there?! MAN 3 - Well, the gun was loaded with fucking blanks so I had to kill the bitch with the chair! \" +41062,2,My girlfriend has an IQ of 200 and I'm jealous of her. So last night I fucked her brains out. +41063,2,"A boy breaks his arm and his dad takes him to the hospital. The son gets a cast and heals up just fine after several weeks. He goes up to his father after he gets his cast off and says, ""Dad, I'm healed!"" ""Hi Healed, I'm Dad."" The son laughs and thinks his dad is the funniest ever. A year later, the boy falls on his face and chips a tooth. Dad calls the dentist and tells his son, ""You have an appointment tomorrow."" ""What time?"" Asks the son. ""Tooth-hurty,"" says Dad. The boy just rolls his eyes at his dad. A few years later, the boy is playing in a football game with his dad cheering on the sidelines. All of a sudden, the boy starts speaking incoherently and acting disoriented. Dad rushes over and the coach informs him, ""I think your son is having a stroke."" ""Don't worry, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home."" ""Why is that?"" asked the coach. ""It's all in his head.""" +41064,0,What did the car say to the cow blocking the road? Beef! Beef! +41065,1,I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable. +41066,1,"A woman named Andrea gets sent to prison for marijuana possession. The facility is overcrowded, and it’s four people to a cell. It’s late at night when she arrives, and not a single one of her cellmates so much as stops snoring even after Andrea is shoved in and the door clangs shut. Tired and defeated, she picks up a strangely familiar smell just before she falls asleep. Andrea wakes up the next day to an empty cell. Figuring the others must have gone down for breakfast already, she heads down herself. The cafeteria is packed, but after some searching, she manages to find a spot to sit that’s sufficiently far away from any glares of hostility towards the newbie. The inmate next to her is surprisingly talkative, and the topic of conversation eventually shifts to where their cells are. “683,” Andrea says, and the look on her acquaintance’s face turns into a mixture of concern and pity. “Oh, they threw you in with Betty?” “Who’s she?” “Old timer. Nasty-ass bitch. Got busted for dealing pot, but they also say she stabbed a client that tried stealing from her. Shivved her last cellmate before they threw you in, too.” “How come she’s not in solitary?” “Even the guards don’t want to fuck with her. They even let her smoke. She’ll share a joint, but just… don’t take a pull before she does.” “Why?” “Bad juju. Or she just stabs you.” Andrea walks back to her cell skeptical, but still a bit on edge, and is greeted by the same smell from last night, but stronger. She sees an intimidating older woman take a pull from a joint and pass it to a cellmate. Must be Betty. After taking her own drag, the other woman looks for approval to Betty, who nods after sizing Andrea up. Andrea is handed the joint. It’s weak after having been passed around, but it’s just enough to soothe her nerves. The ritual continues day after day, with Andrea sometimes fourth, sometimes third, and sometimes (rarely) second in line. If not for Betty’s near-inhuman lung capacity when it comes to cannabis smoke, this wouldn’t be a problem, but even on a good day, Andrea gets barely enough to satisfy her cravings. One day, Andrea resolves that, bad juju be damned, she’ll be having that first toke. Just after Betty lights up, she snatches the joint from her hand and takes a long, hard pull. The feeling is exhilarating. A second later, it gives way to a strange burning in her side. Looking down, Andrea finds a shiv inches-deep in her, with Betty, her face twisted with rage, clutching it. She shoves Andrea to the other side of the cell, but even as Andrea is blacking out, she notices Betty and her other cellmates wobbling as if sedated. The lights flicker, then short out. With her last breath, Andrea asks, “Why?” Weakened, Betty replies: “My toke, Andrea, is the powerhouse of the cell.”" +41067,0,What coffee does a horny person drink ? fappachino +41068,0,I was having trouble with my golf game so went to consult with a pro. He said I should take a break for a couple of weeks. Then I should quit. +41069,0,I am such a hypocrite I always follow my own beliefs +41070,1,Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish? Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it. They call it the clam before the storm. +41071,2,"Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out He radios his boss ""Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"" His boss replies ""Is it ticking?"" ""No, it's turkey and ham.""" +41072,2,"I had an idea for a joke concerning an archeologist and a nudist, But, no matter how deep I dig, the punchline seems bare" +41073,2,"A man was relaxing on a long flight... A man was relaxing on a long flight keeping to himself when he starts to get bored. He starts looking around the cabin and notices that he's sitting next to the Pope who's doing a crossword. He starts to think this will be an interesting story to tell his friends back home when he feels a tug at his sleeve. ""Bless you my son I am sorry to interrupt your solitude, but this one crossword clue has me stumped."" States the pontiff. ""You see my son it says, 'A four letter word for a woman' and it ends in the letter U-N-T."" The man starts to panick, he doesn't know what to do, he can't say that word to the Pope. He thinks hard for a minute and then nearly jumps out of his seat. ""Aunt. A-U-N-T. The word you are looking for is aunt."" Beams the man. ""Bless you my son, you are a pinnacle of wisdom, I will say a special prayer for you tonight at Mass."" replies the Pope The man sits back relaxing in his seat quite content with himself for thinking his way out of a potential landmine of a situation when he feels another tug at his sleeve from the Pope. ""Bless you my son I hate to bother you again but...do you have an eraser?"" " +41074,1,Why is there no wifi in mosques ? because they don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works +41075,0,What is a Down Syndrome kid's favorite number? 321 +41076,1,Did I ever tell you guys about king yardstick? He was a ruler +41077,4,Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out. +41078,2,"A man asks to his wife... Man: Honey, Can we ha sex? Wife: Yes, but only if we do it on the floor. Man: Uhm...sure, But why on the floor? Wife: Because I want to feels something hard this time." +41079,0,Did you here about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to santa +41080,0,What's worse than ten babies nailed to a tree? One baby nailed to ten trees +41081,4,Stop making history jokes!! They're getting old. +41082,1,TIL: How to deal with a murder Put up a scarecrow +41083,1,"In a parallel universe, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton were applying to be a president. They had to fill out a form. The form asked for their name, sex, birthday, address, religion and so on plus a few essay questions. Trump wasn't sure how to answer some questions because they seemed too personal, so he peeked at Hilary's form. He saw the first line which said Name: Hilary Clinton. Sex: F. Birthday: Oct 26, 1947. He then peeked at Obama's form and only saw the top part that said Name: Barrack Obama. Sex: M. Birthday: Aug 4, 1961. Trump smirked and proudly filled out his form where he wrote Name: Donald Trump. Sex: MWF." +41084,5,"Me: Mom, am I adopted? Mom: Why would we choose you?" +41085,2,My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips +41086,0,"Music is like people, the black notes are the fastest" +41087,3,"A teenage boy is getting ready to bring his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo, but there's a long line at the rental office. He waits for a while but soon gets a tux. Next on his list is a limo. He calls but there's a long line of callers and he is put on hold for an hour. He waits it out and is able to order his limo. Then on his list is flowers. He heads to the florist and there is a very long flower line. Patiently he waits it out and soon gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes around. He and his girlfriend are dancing and they are having a great time. Once the song ends his girlfriend asks him to get some punch for the two of them. He heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline. " +41088,1,"A little rabbit is running through the forest when he sees a bear and a wolf smoking a joint. Not knowing what a joint is, he approaches them. ""What are you doing guys?"" the rabbit asks. ""Smoking a joint."" they said, ""Wanna try?"". ""I can't. Mrs. rabbit is waiting for me."" answers the rabbit. ""Come on, rabbit. It's gonna be fun."". Rabbit agrees so they hand him the joint. He takes a few puffs, coughs a little and gives the joint back. ""Do you feel anything?"" they ask him. ""Nope, nothing."". ""Well take another puff then."" says the bear and hands the joint back to the rabbit. He takes another few puffs, coughs again and gives the joint back. ""Do you feel anything now?"" they ask him again. ""Nope, nothing."". The wolf persuades the rabbit to try again and after the third time they ask him ""Rabbit, you must feel something now, right?"". ""Nope, nothing. Not my ears, not my nose, not my toes. Nothing."" ​ Note: Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes. English is not my mother tongue." +41089,0,What did the Special Needs Rowing Team decide to call themselves? Oartism +41090,1,"Have you heard about the international toilet spy? By night, he's an unassuming American, traveling with only a roll of paper... ...but bidet, he's European." +41091,10,"Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke... Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. ""What's wrong?"" man asks. ""Never been kissed before"" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy. Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. ""What's wrong?"" man asks. ""Never been wined and dined before"" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. ""What's wrong?"" Asks man. ""Never been fucked before"" says girl. So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... ""Well you're fucked now"" " +41092,5,"I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls...""she said of course I have and you haven't?"" I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart." +41093,10,"The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong... A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says ""28"" The second most upvoted joke says ""3915"" The third most upvoted joke says ""756"" He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments ""These aren't jokes, they're numbers"" The admin replies ""You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"" The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes ""504,323"" When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin ""What happened?"" The admin replies ""Nobody had heard that one before"" EDIT: Formatting" +41094,1,"What has 6 legs, 9 arms, 3 heads, and 2 feet? The Boston Marathon finish line." +41095,2,"TIL that in the middle ages it was illegal for a blind man to become king... I mean, I don't see why not" +41096,2,"Why did the blonde return the bag of M&M's to the store? Because a quarter of them were W's, and a quarter E's, and a quarter 3's..." +41097,0,7 groups of Italian fashion designers walk into a bar Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang Gucci Gang +41098,3,"It's now apparently politically incorrect to say ""Black paint"" Now you have to say ""Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?""." +41099,2,"Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” – The other says... “I’m a big metal fan.”" +41100,0,"What's a nickname for a procrastinator? Come on, this is reddit. What's your nickname? " +41101,2,"I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs. I said, ""Why are you doing this?"" He said, ""It will put hares on your chest.""" +41102,0,I recently learned there's a difference between a penis and vagina It's a pretty vas deferens +41103,0,My friend had a German plumber hook up his new shower.... I guess old habits die hard because he hooked up the gas line instead. +41104,3,"Hear me out, Hitler wasn't such a bad guy... I mean, he killed Hitler after all!" +41105,0,"Mom, where do tampons go? ""Mom, where do tampons go?"" ""Where the babies come from, darling."" ""In the stork?""" +41106,0,Why a computer is better than a woman 1) Your computer won't nag at you for coming home late at night 2) Your computer won't be mad at you for watching porn 3) Your computer doesn't have in laws 4) Your computer won't be upset if you get a newer model in a few years. 5) Your computer doesn't care that you have a spare in the closet. +41107,5,How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off? I'd say about a 9 out of 10 +41108,1,How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult? It’s a big pho queue. +41109,1,What do you call pizza that isn't yours? Impersonal pizza +41110,0,The worst part about drain cleaner chemicals Is that it feels like it's just money down the drain. +41111,9,Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there? It’s open Mike night! +41112,2,"I hated Sex Ed at school Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name." +41113,10,"A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.” " +41114,0,"A lion was getting married and there was a huge lion only party All the lions had come, from all over the world. Every lion in the jungle was happy, and lions were dancing. In the middle, suddenly a mouse gets up and starts giving the most awesome moves! He's gyrating and dancing and having the time of his life... The head lion stops him and asks, hey, what are you doing here? This is a lion only party! Mouse: So what, don't you know, I was also a lion... until I got married!" +41115,2,Did you hear about that kidnapping? No? Good. +41116,2,[NSFW] What's the best thing about 90s women? No Penis +41117,1,What do you call a strange Mexican man who owns a chocolate factory? Willy Juanka. +41118,2,I told my doctor I have hearing aids... ... but he insists it's just an ear infection... +41119,4,What is the collective noun for a group of depressives? A melancolony +41120,2,If you are ever attacked by a group of clowns... Always go for the juggler. . . . Credit: /u/CartoonsAreForKids +41121,3,"What’s a Redneck Divorce have in Common with a Tornado? In either case, someone’s losin’ the trailer. " +41122,0,Why is a dog with a bad foot like adding 6 and 7? Because he puts down three and carries the one. +41123,3,Why didn’t the Japanese people get a high five? Cause Logan left them hanging +41124,5,I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking. But now I’m sold. +41125,2,"An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife... An Italian man is on trial for killing his wife and is claiming temporary insanity as a defense. He is on the stand and is asked to describe the crime in his own words. ""Your Honor, I am a quiet, peaceful man who never bothers anyone. For the last twenty years, I get up at eight every morning, have breakfast at eight thirty, arrive at work at nine, leave work at five thirty, find dinner on the table, and spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Every day, awake at eight, breakfast at eight thirty, work at nine, home at five thirty, dinner on the table at six. Until the day in question -"" and he pauses here, noticeably upset. The lawyer asks him to continue. He takes a deep breath and starts again: ""On the day in question, I woke at eight, had breakfast at eight thirty, was at work at nine, finished at five thirty. But when I came home there was no dinner on the table and no sign of my wife. I went up to the bedroom and found her in bed with a strange man. So I killed her."" The lawyer asks: ""And what were your emotions at that time?"" ""I was furious. Enraged. Frenzied even. Completely unable to control what happened. Gentlemen of the jury, when I come home at six o'clock, supper HAS to be on the table""" +41126,3,I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me +41127,0,A Stormtrooper went golfing today He's still on the first hole. +41128,2,I met a north African girl the other day We clicked +41129,2,"A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, ""Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"" He says , ""Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."" She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said ""That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."" She says, ""That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, ""That will be $25.50."" She says, ""But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"" He says, ""Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!""" +41130,1,"In honor of International Women's Day, I'm offering free breast exams in my hotel room tonight!" +41131,0,What do you call the perfect place for horror enthusiasts? The Scare-adise! +41132,0,White People Terrified of Gluten but will cuddle with bears. +41133,0,It's not defacated... ...it's hearingimpareddercated +41134,2,How's havin' a dick? It comes in handy. +41135,3,"So a man is told by his doctor he only has five days to live... On the first day he goes out and gets himself a Japanese prostitute with big tits and fucks her like there is no tomorrow. On the second day he goes out and gets himself a redhead Irish prostitute with a nice ass and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow. On the third day he goes out and gets a Brazilian prostitute with great legs and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow. On the forth day he goes and fucks his wife harder than the prostitutes prior. On the fifth day he goes to the hospital and gets ready for the inevitable when the doctor comes back in and asks ""Have you done everything you needed to yet""? The man replies ""I have doc. I fucked three beautiful women, and then fucked my wife even harder."" The doctor goes ""Well I'm glad to see you enjoined your last few days"". The man says ""Yup. Fucking three gorgeous girls was great. But taking my bitch of a wife off my will was even better""." +41136,0,"Is it true that pigs take two baths a day? No, that story is just a load of hogwash." +41137,4,"Argon walks into a bar The bartender says ""sorry we don't serve noble gasses here"" Argon doesn't react." +41138,2,The other day i saw a piece of toast in a cage in the zoo... It was bread in captivity. +41139,2,Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year. +41140,2,Why do rednecks make the best bakers? Cuz they’re inbred. +41141,2,"A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street The brunette says, ""Look, a dead bird."" The blonde looks up in the sky and says, ""Where?""" +41142,1,"Brick - An airplane had 100 bricks in it. One brick falls out. How many are left? - 99, of course. - What are the three steps to put an elephant in the fridge? 1. Open the door. 2. Put the elephant in. 3. Close the door. - What are the three steps to put a horse in the fridge? 1. Open the door. 2. Take the elephant out. 3. Put the horse in. 4. Close the door. - It was a lioness' birthday party, and since she was a very social lion, she invited every animal in the world to come. Who didn't make it? - Why, the horse. It couldn't get out of the fridge with its hooves. - A little old lady was walking through a swamp infested with crocodiles, and no one who went in there came back out uninjured before. However, the old lady made it through just fine. Why? - Because the crocodiles were all at the party! - Later, the little old lady was walking through a meadow in a park, but was rushed to the hospital just a few minutes later. Why was that? - Because the brick fell on her!" +41143,0,What's the difference between a gummy bear and a Baywatch rescue? One is soft candy and the other coughed sandy. +41144,2,Make sure to check your Tauntaun for a fever in this heat wave. They should always be Luke warm. +41145,0,What do you call the first photographed black hole? Orange is the new Black +41146,1,"A boy said to his farther. Boy - Dad i accidentially killed a butterfly today. Farther - Sorry son, no butter for you for 2 months. Boy - I also killed a cockroach today. Farther - Nice try. ​ Edit : Grammar" +41147,2,"A sad farmer is sitting on a stump by the road, and a traveler greets him. The traveler asks the farmer: ""It's such a beautiful day today, how come you are so unhappy?"" The farmer replies: ""Some things simply cannot be explained."" The traveler then asks him to explain what had happened, and the farmer says: ""Today I was milking my cow. When I eventually milked a full bucket, the cow kicked over the bucket with her left leg and all the milk spilled out."" The traveler replies: ""Ah, that's quite unfortunate. But hey, cheer up!"" The farmer sighs: ""Some things simply cannot be explained."" The traveler asks him to describe what happened next, and the farmer continues: ""So I found a rope and tied her left leg to a pole, then I milked another bucket of milk. But then she kicked over the bucket with her right leg and all the milk spilled out again."" The traveler then asks: ""So did you tie her right leg to a pole too?"" to which the farmer answers: ""Yeah, and then I milked another bucket of milk. But somehow, she knocked over the bucket with her tail."" The traveler responds: ""Wow, that's very unlucky. But hey, don't think about it too much."" The farmer sighs again: ""Some things simply cannot be explained."" So the traveler kept urging him to tell the rest of the story, and eventually the farmer continued: ""I couldn't find any more ropes around, so I decided to use my belt. As I held my belt in one hand and the cow's tail in another, my pants fell off and my wife came out to see what was taking so long...""" +41148,0,"Awkward, but vaguely enthusiastic consent to autoerotic asphyxiation during penetrative sex. ""Okey dokey, chokey pokey!""" +41149,0,When I was a kid my dad used to beat me At tic tac toe With his belt +41150,0,Been reading the power of now I'll finish it later +41151,1,Wanna hear something funny? Well you’re in the wrong place. +41152,10,If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN they become VERY ANGRY +41153,4,"TIFU by accidentally walking out with the footlong BLT of the guy ahead of me in line Whoops, wrong sub " +41154,0,A mental question I'd have if I were to find a magic lamp and wish for a new car Lamp or Genie...? +41155,0,My sister had a baby to try and save the relationship But I still don't talk to her +41156,0,A horse fell down And now he can't giddy-up. +41157,1,"So I was at a nightclub and this chick in a wheelchair comes up to me and says, ""will you fuck me?"" I said, ""yeah I'll fuck ya"", and slashed her tires." +41158,2,"Even after 5 years my wife likes to mix it up in the bedroom.... Last night she was had eaten too much, the night before that she was wayyyyyy too tired; last week she fell and broke her thumb. I never know what she will surprise me with next! " +41159,3,What do chickens like to read? Book... book book book kawk. +41160,4,"A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins... But all he sees are other men just like himself. Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are. The man replies, ""Brother, we are all virgins.""" +41161,0,"Why can't a hermit be a vegan, go to a CrossFit gym, or not eat gluten? Because he can't tell anyone about it." +41162,2,Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken Sedan! +41163,0,"A man is drunk outside a bar Suddenly he starts beating up a nun walking by. Two bystanders pull him off the battered nun and the drunk yells ""you ain't so tuff now are you batman!""" +41164,6,I keep asking what LGBT stands for... But I'm not getting any straight answers +41165,0,The best thing about No Man's Sky is... The best thing about No Man's Sky is... +41166,0,Knock knock Who is it? GESTAPO GESTAPO who? VEE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS! +41167,2,"We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound. I said, ""This is a stud-finder"" and laughed. She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, ""This is a pedo-meter."" " +41168,1,"You're always going to be the best version of you! Unless, of course, there's an actor better at being you than you are at being you." +41169,1,"A man goes and gets a lady of the night for 5 dollars. He got crabs. The next day he went to complain. She said, what did you expect? Lobster?" +41170,0,"Jenny, Jenny Yes papa? You want iPhone? Yes papa ​ Open your legs Ah ah ah! ​ ​ (good luck unhearing that)" +41171,0,"Google has announced a new feature for Google Maps In response to feedback from an engineer regarding biological differences between men and women, Google decided to evaluate its product line to see if they could make any of their products more female friendly. The Maps app in particular was shown to be causing higher stress and anxiety levels in users, something the engineer pointed out affects females more than males. Now, when Google Maps detects a female user, it has been upgraded to say ""pull over honey, this is a man's job.""" +41172,2,"What sounds a lot worse when said by a necrophiliac? ""Nice body""" +41173,0,Did you hear about the alcoholic ghost? He was such a Boozer. +41174,0,What do you call it when you use a seal corpse to plug a hole? The hole becomes SEALED +41175,7,Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them +41176,2,I see this a very green subreddit everyone here recycles properly +41177,0,"What do black holes have in common with Nihilism? Eh, nevermind. It doesn't *matter*." +41178,1,"A New Zealander takes his seat on a plane, next to two Australians... The Kiwi sits down in the isle seat, kicks off his shoes, wriggles his toes and relaxes back, oblivious to the discomfort of the Aussies. An hour into the flight, the aussie in the window seat asks if the Kiwi can get up, so that he can go get a beer. ""To save the fuss mate, I'll just go grab ya one"" The Aussie grudgingly accepted, and while the Kiwi was away, the second one picked up one of the Kiwi's shoes, and spat in it repititively. When the Kiwi arrived with the beer, he asked him earnestly: ""You wouldn't mind grabbing another one of those for me would you mate?"" The Kiwi looked slightly uncomfortable, but went to get another. While he was away they picked up his other shoe and filled it with saliva. The Aussies drank their beers and no words were spoken until the end of the flight, when the Kiwi put his shoes back on. He winced and exclaimed earnestly: ""It's got to stop friends! This endless animosity between our two fair contries! The racist jokes, the stereotyping! The animosity, the violence between our sportsmen!"" He stood up into the isle, looked down and started shaking his head: ""The spitting in the shoes... and the pissing in the beers.""" +41179,1,what do you call a prostitute in Washington dc a lobbyist. +41180,1,A elderly man told his wife he wanted to have breakfast in the nude like when they were young... His wife agreed. They needed to reinvigorate their marriage after 40 years after all. Over breakfast she said “I haven’t felt this warm alive sensation in years!”. Her husband pointed out: “well...it’s because your boobs are in the oatmeal”. +41181,1,I met a lady named Virginia last night Now she's just ia. +41182,5,Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell somebody else that he's a vegan. +41183,0,How long does it take to brew traditional Chinese tea produced through a process including withering the plant under strong sun and oxidation before curling and twisting? tOolong. +41184,3,You don’t really wash your hands They actually wash each other while you stand there and watch +41185,0,What's the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit at the back of the oven. +41186,0,Knock knock... Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting Physicist. Interrupting physi- Muon. +41187,0,"“Roy Moore, why did you just crush that man stuck in the trash compactor?!” I asked if he needed some help, but he kept telling me “more weight!”." +41188,5,"If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?" +41189,0,What do you call a really calm Asian? Mellow Yellow. +41190,1,What would you call Miley Cyrus when she leaves America.... *kilometer cyrus* +41191,2,"I told my rich lesbian neighbors that for my birthday gift, I wanna watch They said ""who the hell are you? Get out of here""." +41192,0,Like a good neighbor . . . . . . stay over there! +41193,3,The man who invented autocorrect has died. May he roast in piss +41194,0,What are the best games? The ones in confidence. +41195,0,What do you call a spoilt dog? Brat Pit +41196,0,I wondered if Lasix was safe... It is now painfully clear. +41197,0,What do you call a casino employee who sculpts dishes? A pot dealer! +41198,1,I went bobsleighing the other day I killed 250 bobs. +41199,7,"A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity. The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship. ""I already know what kind of ship to look for,"" the diver told the chopper pilot. ""How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?"" replied the pilot. ""It was a dictatorship."" " +41200,0,A man and a dog walk into a bar. They got kicked out because dogs aren’t allowed. +41201,1,You know who sucks? Someone without a gag reflex +41202,1,What does Trump and Hillary have in common? A vote they're never gonna get from me. +41203,3,To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own: We're rooting for you! +41204,0,"An Olympics joke A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they haven't got tickets. Looking around near the back entrance to the stadium, the Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the rear gate. ""McGregor, Scotland"" he says, ""Discus"", and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a long pole from a pile of and slings it over his shoulder. ""Bentley, England,"" he says, ""Pole vault,"" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. ""O'Malley, Ireland,"" he says, ""Fencing.""" +41205,2,"Sex with the teacher A guy gets home from work and asks his son about his day. The boy says, ""Just like any other day, except that I had sex with one of my teachers."" The guy says, ""Well, you're on your way to becoming a man. I'll buy you anything you want."" They went to the store and the boy pointed out a BMX bike that he had always wanted. The guy happily bought it and assembled it as soon as they got home. A few days later, the guy saw his son walking the bike down the street. He stopped him and asked, ""Why aren't you riding your bike? I thought you would be so happy to have it."" The boy answered, ""My asshole still hurts.""" +41206,6,"Indecisive is my favourite word. Actually, no it isn't. " +41207,0,"Marriage: been there, done that... ...she got the T-shirt." +41208,1,How many police men can change a lightbulb? None. Because they'll just beat the shit out of the room for being dark +41209,0,Life is a lot like being kidnapped by two people who force you to bungee jump. Odds are you'll enjoy it once it's started and near the end you're worried what's going to happen afterwards but it's still only happening because of a fucking dick and fucking cunt. +41210,1,I Got a dog for my wife. It was a good exchange offer. +41211,2,"Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves. One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses. She then asks him why. He responds, “Sorry, but I’m afraid of change.”." +41212,1,My friend sculpted something out of a rock for me It looked pretty solid +41213,0,Why hasn't there been a coup in the United States? Because they don't have a US Embassy. +41214,2,"Did you hear about the octopus who works as a therapist? (nsfw) He studied at Harvard medical school, graduated top of his class in behavioral psychology, and received his PHD with honours. The octopus has published many papers, and receives referrals from other doctors for patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He is also highly regarded in his field for his work in helping victims of mollusk-ation." +41215,1,"Two male trees are sitting at the bar... One tree says to the other, ""Hey man, see her over there? I wonder what kind of wood she has under that bark."" His friend responds, ""Hmm, I don't know, Cedar?"" To which the first tree replies, ""Cedar? I don't even know her!" +41216,1,When’s the worst place to have an erection ? During a relay race +41217,0,Why did the snail cross the road? Shell if I know! +41218,0,"What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit." +41219,2,Do you know why it takes one sperm out of a million to fertilize one egg? Because no man will stop and ask for directions... +41220,2,Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. +41221,0,"You show me a piano falling down,a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner." +41222,0,Dark Souls 3 playing dark souls 3 starts.. restarts restarts restarts restarts restarts Alt+F4 +41223,0,What do you get when you mix an emo kid and a frat boy? Deez Cuts! +41224,0,"Years ago, there was a small group of missionaries... ...They set out to find a new homeland for their brand of Christianity. They left Vermont with little to their name, only the clothes on their backs and a song in their heart. As they traveled, they would sing for their meals. In these days there weren’t what we would consider restaurants, but instead people would gather at the local public house. Since our missionaries were, well, religious, their peak performances would occur Sunday mornings, when they were thinking the most about the glory of God. As they moved forward in their travels, word preceded them from town to town, so it came to be that when they would get to a new town, they would be inundated with requests for this hymn or that. In many towns, the people had little to give the performers, and the chorus would simply request an apple for each of the singers. In this way, our little religious singing group came to be known as the Morning Tavern Apple Choir. " +41225,0,My New Years Resolution EXERCISE EX ER CISE EX AR SIZE EGGS ARE SIDES FOR BACON BACON!!! +41226,0,Our math teacher was fired. He broke every rule. +41227,9,"A Texan walks into an Irish bar... A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ""I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."" The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ""Is your bet still good?"" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ""If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"" The Irishman replies, ""Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.""" +41228,2,Why was the six afraid of the seven? Approximately 0.3583. Or cos(789) +41229,3,When do we need airplane noises? NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW +41230,3,"The new guy is settling in his prison cell... When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells: ""83!!!!"" And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains ""Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."" Then all of a sudden, someone yells: ""27!!!!"" And everyone starts laughing again. To blend in, the new guy also starts laughing. This goes on for a while until someone yells: ""41!!!!"" The new guy starts laughing loudly but everyone else stays deadly silent. Worried he did something wrong he asks his cell mate: ""Was that not a funny joke?"" He replies: ""Yes it was, but he told it wrong.""" +41231,2,"Older forms of English kept Latin's gender-specific suffixes... Older forms of English kept Latin's gender-specific suffixes tor and trix; -tor is for men and -trix is for women. So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is a gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix. This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids." +41232,2,"My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK. He is a leaser of two evils." +41233,0,My wife is a gamer so i boght her cod I guess we'll have a tasty dinner tonight +41234,5,"A little old lady goes to the doctor and says... ""Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."" The doctor says, ""I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."" The next week the lady comes back. ""Doctor,"" she says, ""I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."" The doctor says, ""Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.""" +41235,0,"The developers of Mass Effect 3 were huge Linkin Park fans But in the end, it doesn't even matter." +41236,2,I'm on a new diet of just Viagra and prune juice... I never know if I'm comin' or goin'. +41237,3,"A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home. Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie. The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat. The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school. The son said: “I stayed after at Timmy’s house to do homework.” The robot slaps him. “Okay, okay, we were watching a movie.” “Which movie?” The man asks. “Toy Story 3” The robot slaps the son again “Okay, we were watching porn.” The man, shocked and ashamed says: “Son, when I was your age, I didn’t even know what porn was!” The robot slaps the man. The man’s wife says: “Well, he is your son!” The robot slaps the wife." +41238,1,How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple a piece of bread to the ceiling. +41239,0,"Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer Back then, Does didn't want me. Now I'm hot, Does all on me. " +41240,1,I'm really getting sick of these holocaust jokes My grandfather died in the holocaust. He fell right off the watchtower +41241,0,"How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to lower your standards, I'm moonsout_goonsout" +41242,2,Why are fat people better? They XL at everything they do. +41243,2,"An American, French and German soldiers end up in hell. They are told that they will be given a second chance and all they have to do is go find and bring back the weapon they used to fight in the war with. The German comes back first and brings back a pistol. He gets told that if he wants to go to heaven he has to shove it up his ass. So he starts to and is crying and barley does it and as soon as he does he is lifted up to heaven. The Frenchman is next and comes back with a bazooka. He gets told that if he wants to go to heaven he has to shove it up his ass as well. So he painfully starts to shove it up there with tears in his eyes when out of nowhere he breaks out laughing. When he is asked why hes laughing he says ""the American is bringing back a tank""" +41244,0,Mac users swear by their Mac... PC users swear at their PC +41245,2,What did one costume say to the others? Look at disguise +41246,2,"A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar .After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ""Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ""No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ""I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."" To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, ""What do you mean $200?""" +41247,2,"Peter the Builder Derek and his grandpa, Peter, are sitting up on a hillside. Peter says ""you see that wall, I helped build that wall, but do they call me Peter the wall builder? nooo. You see that house? I built that house but do they call me Peter the housebuilder? no. You see that church? I built that church too, but do they call me Peter the Church builder? No! But you fuck one pig....""" +41248,2,I've noticed that I can't leave the house without listening to Highway to Hell 3 times. I think I might have OCDC. +41249,2,"A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, ""What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"" The woman replies, ""He's a midget!"" " +41250,5,My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry. We are maid for each other. +41251,1,What to do you call someone that doesn't eat meat OR vegetables? Dead +41252,2,Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore... She really keeps me grounded. +41253,2,What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ! +41254,5,"Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code! Dog: [taps paw] Me: What did it say?? Scientist: ""Woof.""" +41255,6,"Two blondes are in heaven... One asks the other, ""How did you die? "" ""I froze to death, "" says the second. ""That's awful, ""says the first blonde. How does it feel to freeze to death? "" ""It's very uncomfortable at first,"" says the second blonde. ""You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? "" ""Well, "" says the first blonde, "" I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died."" ""Wow, "" says the second blonde, ""If you checked the freezer we would both be alive.""" +41256,6,What do you call a horny square? Erectangle +41257,5,"I don't understand the point of threesomes. If I want to disappoint two people, I can just have dinner with my parents." +41258,1,How did the stoners get to Woodstock? They rode the canna-bus. +41259,1,"If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get? I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?" +41260,0,What is a cat's favorite genre of adult movie? Kitty porn +41261,2,Did you hear they discovered a carnivorous tree in the Amazon? Don't worry its bark is worse than its bite. +41262,1,[Game of Thrones] If you give Littlefinger two choices... He'll always prefer the ladder +41263,1,"Three surgeons are chatting. They start talking about which one of the three is the best at surgeries. One said, ""I once performed a surgery on a man who lost all ten of his fingers. I put them all back on, and now he can play the hardest songs on the piano perfectly."" Then another said, ""Wow, that's great, but I did better. One time, this poor man lost all his arms and legs in a terrible accident, and I put them back on him. I heard he got a gold medal at athletics in the Olympics after that."" And then the other said, ""I have to admit that's pretty good, but I think I did better than both of you. See, there was this blond man, and he was riding a donkey at top speed while being high from drugs. He collided with a car coming from the other direction, and all we could get from the remains was his blond hair and the donkey's arse. I managed to put them together, and now he became America's president!""" +41264,1,What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't take her out again. +41265,0,My girlfriend and I were considering getting a puppy but decided against it. So we just had it aborted. +41266,2,"My granddad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting, is the make-up sex... Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer…" +41267,0,"maria,s panties...... Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, ""Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!"" Maria replied, ""See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!" +41268,2,"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? ""See you next month""" +41269,2,Did you hear about the supreme court justice who was caught stealing the scraps from restaurant booths? Police identified her as Booth Raider Ginsburg. +41270,1,Mule joke I made up Why is a mule a bad work animal? It always does a half ass job +41271,0,"A man goes to see a psychiatrist ... The man is clearly very troubled and says ""Doctor, you have to help me. I ... It's that .... well, I think I'm a dog!"" The psychiatrist calmly nods and says ""I see, well, just lay down on the couch then."" The man replies ""But I'm not allowed on the couch!""" +41272,3,How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot +41273,3,Did you hear about the farmer running the illicit sex ring? Apparently it was a pig fucking deal. +41274,0,"Q: Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas. " +41275,2,"A police officer sees a car speeding and pulls the man over. When he gets to the window, he sees the driver has 5 penguins in his backseat. He asks the man why he has penguins in his car. The man replies, ""These are my penguins, and they belong to me. The office says, ""You need to take them back to the zoo immediately."" The next day, the officer sees the same man driving down the road. He pulls him over again and sees the penguins are in his backseat again and are all wearing sunglasses. The police officer says, ""I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"" ""Oh... I did"", the driver says, ""And today I'm taking them to the beach.""" +41276,1,What don't blind people like bungee jumping? Because it scares the fuck out of dogs! +41277,0,What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ? A dead cat +41278,1,"Ping Pong Balls Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield. They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down truck shows up. Leaving his vehicle, the girls father approached the young boys. He looks at them and says ""If you want to get with her you're gonna have to impress me with a difficult task."" This catches the attention of the boys, and they ask for further instructions on what they had to do. The farmer looks at them and says ""I want you boys to go out and bring back the most pong balls. Whoever brings back the most ping pong balls can have her."" So the boys are off, all heading in their separate directions. 30 minutes pass and one of the boys shows up with a bucket full of ping pong balls. ""Pretty good"" the father says ""but we gotta wait for the others. Another 50 minutes go by when the second boy shows up with a dumpster full of ping pong balls. ""Very nice! But there's still two other boys we have to wait on."" 3 hours pass before the third boy shows up and he has a whole semi truck full of ping pong balls. ""Holy cow!"" The farmer exclaims ""I've never seen so many ping pong balls in my life! You definitely did better than those other two but there is still one more boy to wait for."" 9 hours pass and the father is getting impatient when suddenly the fourth boy shows up, bloodied and beaten. His clothes were ripped and he looks absolutely mauled. ""What the hell happened?!"" The father asked concerned. ""Well"" starts the boy "" I found that island and I decided to go for it. I started swimming across the way and made it to the island. I looked up in the tree and saw that ape..."" ""You idiot!"" Exclaimed the father. ""I said ping pong balls! Not King Kong balls!""" +41279,3,What do you call a german breakfast restaurant? Luftwafflehaus. +41280,2,My daughter and I both got diarrhea... Guess it runs in the family. +41281,1,"A rich, an average, and a poor vampire walk into a vampire bar... Rich Vampire: I'll have the most expensive pure blood you have. Average Vampire: Just your regular blood please. Poor Vampire: Do you have hot water? I found a used tampon, I'm having tea." +41282,0,I wanted to teach my kids about democracy so I let them vote on dinner... Then I privatised the NHS. +41283,4,"Her: Hey, is your stomach flat? Me: Yes but the ""L"" is silent." +41284,2,What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay money to have a garbanzo bean on my face. +41285,4,"Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt." +41286,3,I found a rating for the Sun online. It was only a star. +41287,1,What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on a hill...? An eggroll. +41288,5,"What's the difference between a priest and a dog? One wears pants and a collar, the other wears a collar and pants " +41289,0,"Horace sees a bunch of dudes running around a track... So he goes up to the guy with the stopwatch and asks what's happening. The guy with the stopwatch explains that they are doing preliminary tryouts for the Olympics running team. ""Ah"", says Horace, ""so these are the tries that time men's soles.""" +41290,1,Did you hear about Trump's ban on pre-shredded cheese? He wants to make America grate again. +41291,3,What do you call a bee made in the United States? A USB +41292,1,Why is Arnold schwarzenegger good at killing cockroaches? Because he's an ex-terminator +41293,1,"The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain. Apparently, it was a Dyson." +41294,3,What happened to the semi colon who broke the law? He got given two consecutive sentences +41295,3,The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now. +41296,2,Ukrainian underpants Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants? Because Chernobyl fall out +41297,0,Where do lesbians buy their groceries? Food 4 Less . . bians +41298,0,After the recent events in Italy... Many were left shaken. +41299,3,"A man walks into a bar, and asks for a couple of shots . . . . . . The bartender asks ""Rough day?"" The man says, ""Yeah, I found out my youngest son is gay."" The bartender looks at him and says, ""That's rough buddy. Those shots are on the house."" So the man takes the shots then leaves. A few weeks later, the man comes back and asks for four shots. The bartender sees that it's the same guy, so he asks, ""Another rough day?"" The man says, ""Yup. I found out my oldest son is gay."" The bartender feels sorry for him, so he says, ""Man, that sucks. Tell you what, half of those are on the house."" So the man takes the shots and stumbles home. A month later, the man returns and asks for a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's. ""Man,"" the bartender exclaims. ""Doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?"" The man turns to him and says, ""Yup, apparently my wife does.""" +41300,0,Legend says when otter dies Her soul will go to the otter side +41301,2,Why were the Indians the first ones in the America's? Because they had reservation​s +41302,8,Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks this morning *Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)* +41303,2,"Never let anyone tell you that you're worthless Piece by piece, I could make 50,000 dollars off of you on the black market. " +41304,0,/r/jokes is removing restrictions on word jokes It's o-pun season. +41305,1,"I celebrate Good Friday just like Jesus... You know, hanging out." +41306,1,What do you call a cow that's recently had a hysterectomy? Decaffeinated. +41307,7,What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys +41308,1,Why didn't Noah let the Tasmanian devil in? He was not an archdevil. +41309,0,"Vladimir Lenin Vladimir Lenin (leader of Soviet revolution) goes to meet a friend at a restaurant. They sit down, friend asks - Vladimir, what are you drinking? - I don't drink anymore! - Why? - You know, back in 1917, we all got really drunk and started some kind of revolution ... still trying to sort out that stupid mess ... " +41310,0,What does Thomas the Tank Engine use as a raising agent? Bicarbonate of Sodor. +41311,0,"I’m a cannibal, and I think the people of mixed Arab, Spanish, and Amazigh origins who settled as refugees in North Africa between the 11th and 17th centuries taste best. They’re very Moorish." +41312,0,"My dog is into some wild stuff Every time we have sex she says ""ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff"" I guess it's never enough" +41313,0,"We can talk about either delegates or blowjobs, but a Clinton will always get one or the other under the table." +41314,0,A guy walks into a bar ....ouch. Two guys walk into a bar... You'd think *one* of them would've seen the damn thing. +41315,0,So a physic has a booth at a flea market No one goes to his booth... I don't feel bad though because he should have been able to tell if people would actually come. +41316,5,"The masochist said to the sadist, ""Hurt Me."" The sadist replied back, ""No.""" +41317,0,A man walks into a bar... “Ow!” +41318,0,"Now that we're in the age of self-driving cars, they ought to give Christine a reboot." +41319,1,I hate 9/11 jokes... They’re just plane rude +41320,0,"What did Geddy, Alex, and Neil say after their first performance? What a Rush! " +41321,8,"I had a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time." +41322,0,What's the difference between The Shire and your mom? I didn't enter The Shire last night +41323,2,Which race do you hate the most? I hate marathons................too many Kenyans. +41324,0,"A man walks into a pizza parlor. He orders a pizza and the cashier asks him if he wants his pizza cut into 6 slices or 8. To which the man replies ""Oh only 6, I couldn't eat 8!""" +41325,0,39 and 41 had a fight. 42. ... 41. +41326,2,"If Germany is the Fatherland, and Russia is the Motherland... Then they've had a hell of a custody battle over Poland." +41327,4,"A Drunk Walks Into A Bar A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. ""Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."" ""Relax,"" the bartender says, ""give me a five-dollar bill."" The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. ""Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."" ""Thass a great idea!"" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. ""Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, ""Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."" The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, ""There's $10 in here!"" ""Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too.""" +41328,0,Why wasn’t the slutty accountant a consequentialist? It’s the thot that counts! +41329,0,"Lena Dunham and Tonto have something in common. Lena Dunham has taken a page from Tonto's book... . . . The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding together in the wild west after a tough fight with some bandits during which the pair repeatedly had to save each other from one bandit after another. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says; ""That was close one! We make a great team. We'll always be together. I'll always have your back, and I'm proud to call you friend! Tonto replies; ""You are brave and true. We shall always stand together as I too am proud to call you friend! . . . Suddenly they are surrounded by hundreds of angry indians shouting ""Kill the white man! Tie him to a stake and let the ants eat his flesh! Kill anyone that stands with him!"" The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto with worry in his eyes and says; ""We're outnumbered and outgunned! We're in serious trouble Tonto!"" Tonto looks around and replies; ""What do you mean **WE** white man...""" +41330,6,Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member? He really hates gingers +41331,5,"One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust, become their confidant. And when they least expect it, BAAM! I'll have sex with their boyfriends. " +41332,1,"If I were you, I wouldn't buy velcro. I heard it's a rip off." +41333,0,How does a magician remove a uterus? With a misdirectomy. +41334,1,"Money Laundering If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's Donald." +41335,0,If physical energy can be turned into thermal energy... How hard do I need to punch a chicken to cook it? +41336,4,"Snake: ""hisssss"" Feminist Snake: ""herrrrrrr""" +41337,0,"The Washington Post: Democracy Dies in Darkness Sorry, that article is behind a paywall." +41338,0,"What did Christa McAuliffe's husband say before she left? I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish. " +41339,3,"Impeach. Hi Peach, I'm Dad." +41340,1,"This is a bad seaweed joke. Sorry, I just couldn't kelp myself." +41341,2,Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because it has a silent Pee +41342,1,"Two men are in a cave One says to the other, ""it's dark in here isn't it?"" The other one says, ""I don't know, I can't see.""" +41343,0,"I’m a horrible pet owner Earlier today I went out to cut some wood. I just got done filling the chainsaw up with gas and turned around and seen my puppy licking the gas. I yelled at him and he didn’t stop so I ran after him. Of course he starts running around the yard. Me being older, I couldn’t keep up. Eventually he just fell over and I thought he died. When I got over to him, he just looked up at me and he couldn’t run any more. I guess he just ran out of gas." +41344,6,What's the difference between jesus and a hooker? The noises they make as you're nailing them +41345,2,What do you call a theatrical performance about the dictionary? A play on words. +41346,2,What do you get when you visit the dentist with a dollar? Buck-teeth! +41347,2,"A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish... The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man. ""Well?"" asks the concerned waiter ""What killed this poor man?"" One of the paramedics solemnly looks into the eyes of waiter and simply replies ""Poisson""" +41348,2,"Little Peter was on his classroom his the teacher asks, if I have five birds on a branch and I throw a stone to one of them, how many I have left ... None teacher ... .. Why not Peter? .... no teacher because the others fly away from the fright .... That's wrong Peter but I like your way of thinking ...... The next day Peter goes to his teacher and ask her, now I am going to ask a question, if you see two women eating an ice cream and one of them is sucking and the other is biting, which one who is married ???? .... After a little thought the teacher says a little confused, I guess the one who is sucking ... No teacher, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think ..." +41349,1,"A man walks Into a bar and orders a beer He gets his drink and adds a little something to it and this macho guy comes in grabs his drink and slams it down. The man begins crying immediatly tears pouring down, he just seems so distraught. The macho man tells him he is sorry offers to buy him another drink. The man goes ""it's not that today is the worst day of my life, I woke up and my car wouldn't start so I walked to work. When I got there my boss fired me for being late. So I walked all the way home in the pouring rain and when I got there I caught my wife with another man in our bed. I walked to the closes bar sat down poured poison into my drink and you drank that!""" +41350,2,What is a funeral director’s favorite game? Formaldehyde and go seek +41351,1,FBI: Open Up! Her: You know; I think it's because I've been treated so poorly in my past relationships that I have such a hard time opening up to new people. *Edit for spelling/grammar +41352,1,What do you call an anteater? uncle. +41353,0,What do Michael Jackson and a playground have in common? They're both covered in dirt. +41354,0,"Is this Chad? May I speak with you regarding one of my kids? Chad: Oh. Is this Jenny? No Chad: Lucy? No Chad: Gemma? Sir, I teach your kid. He's been absent the past few days." +41355,2,"My family owns a business making safety mats. Personally I see myself selling mirrors, but it’s something to fall back on." +41356,2,What do you call a lycanthrope with a potty mouth? A swearwolf! +41357,0,Why can’t muslims own pet monkeys? Because they’re haram-be +41358,1,I think metals are my favorite group of elements The other ones just seem so lackluster. +41359,3,[playing 7 minutes in heaven] **Doctor:** OK plug him back in now +41360,2,I was going to tell a Periodic table joke... ...But they all Argon +41361,0,I wanted to post a unique time-travelling joke... But it was already reposted tomorrow! +41362,1,Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard +41363,0,"I just found out my best friend, José, is moving away. !No guey, José!" +41364,2,"I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub He won by putting me in a czechmate" +41365,1,Did you read about the skeleton trapped in the freezer? It was a bone-chilling story. +41366,0,"A man joins a monastery. They are a very strict order, and the monks take a vow of silence when not at prayer. They are only allowed to speak two words to the abbot at the end of each year. After the first year, he says, ""Bed hard."" After the second year, he says, ""Food bad."" After the third year, he says, ""I quit."" The abbot says, ""It's no surprise. You've done nothing but complain since you got here.""" +41367,0,I refuse to become an organ donor... Unless I get some assurance that no part of my body gets used by Mitch McConnell! +41368,0,How much does a dead elephant weigh? A skele**ton**. +41369,1,What do you call a train that carries Jews? A Jew-Jew train. +41370,3,I'm so out of shape I can't even jog my memory! +41371,2,"My wife has an iron deficiency. In fact, she’s deficient with most household appliances." +41372,1,I found my first grey pubic hair this morning Normally things like that don’t really bother me it’s just that I don't like it in my sausage mcmuffin. +41373,0,Here in the uk we may not have the right to bear arms But we certainly have the right to bare legs. +41374,2,Thank God I don't have a superiority complex I'm so much better than those types of people +41375,3,"Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans? Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second." +41376,0,Why was number ten so traumatized? Because he was in between 9 and 11 (I’m so so so sorry) +41377,0,How do you call the best veterinary hospital in Denmark? Great Dane pets hospital. +41378,1,"Someone said that his friend passed away by drowning. He also said that he would be watching over him. I shout out, ""Lies! His friend would be watching under him. Under the Sea.""" +41379,1,"The garbage man is on his run and notices one home hasn't put their bin out... ...So, being in a good mood, he stops the truck and knocks on the front door. A young Aboriginal man answers the door. ""Hey mate, where's your bin?"" asks the Garbo. ""Oh, I bin up North,"" says the Resident. ""Nah mate, where's your wheelie bin?"" ""Yeah, I wheelie bin in jail. I just tell everyone I've bin up North.""" +41380,5,"Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches... Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building. So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same sandwich, and jumps to his death. The second one opens his lunchbox, same story, jumps. And the third one opens his, sees another same sandwich as yesterday, and jumps off to his demise. At their funeral, the first construction worker's wife cries, and through her tears says ""He should have told me, I would have made him a different sandwich"". The second wife totally devastated whimpers ""He never complained about his sandwich, I should have known..."", and continues crying. And the third one cries ""Oh what an idiot I married, he made his own sandwiches""" +41381,2,"Once upon a time there is this hiker backpacking through the Scottish highlands He comes to a bar and decides to go in to get a drink. The bar is empty save two people, the bartender and an old man nursing a pint. The hiker sits down at the bar and orders a beer. After a couple minutes of silence the old man turns to the hiker and says, ""You see this bar you're sittin in? I built it with me own bare hands, I picked the finest wood in the county, and gave it more care and loving than me own child. But do they call me McGregor the bar-builder... No"" He pointed out the window and said, ""Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands setting each rock in place through the rain and cold, but do they call me McGregor the wall-builder....No"" He points out of another window and says, ""Do you see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my own hands, drove the pilings against the tide and the sand, plank by plank, but do they call me McGregor the pier builder...No! But you fuck one goat..."" " +41382,0,What were Steve Jobs children told to do when their father passed away? Steve's Job. +41383,0,What is 5 1/4 inches long and has a hole in the middle? A floppy dick. +41384,2,How is credit like cocaine? Everyone just needs 1 more line. +41385,0,Why did Russia close all of its airports? The planes were stalin. +41386,0,"How many JK Rowlings does it take to turn on a lightbulb? None, only guys turn them on." +41387,5,"Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, ""Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."" Little Johnny looked up and replied, ""Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.""" +41388,2,I became the world's greatest magician when I was born My first trick was making my father disappear. +41389,0,How far would you see if you had a 12 inch penis attached to your forehead? You wouldn't see anything because the balls would cover your eyes +41390,2,A man knocks on the door Little Johnny opens it with a satin gown on a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other. The man asks “are your parents home?” To which Johnny replies “does it fucking look like it?” +41391,3,"The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise.. The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there. “Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.” “Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported. “Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded President Kubritski, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”" +41392,0,"The man who walked in shoes and then his shoes did the walking. Afterwards, he becomes King of Zanzibar. Part II Baron Skullcroft had been moseying through a meadow as he is wont to do after smoking a pipe of opium and masturbating onto a pile of writhing lepers. He had been wondering lately whether he could bring his dear deceased daddy back from the grave by way of dark sorcery. Just then -- A knock knock knock on the 4th wall and Baron von Scullcroft Jr. rose pithily from a dandelion patch and shouted: ""Reader: do be alarmed, should you become engorged of the genitals at any point during this joke"" The Baron then strode down to the brothel where he purchased a package of crackers. The Baron always bought his crackers from the brothel as the slight perfume of smoke and fuck married beautifully with the flavor of the wheat flour. Later on, at an inn, the Baron came across an orphan boy and threw him a halfpence coin for the effort. After finishing his dinner and wiping his own mouth, he then departed for The Capital where he had been called upon by his father, the Great Archduke Skullcroft Sr. ..... To be continued ....." +41393,2,A psychic dwarf escapes from prison They said it was a small medium at large... +41394,0,"The many uses of a finger. Today as I was waiting for the bus my ears could not believe the hilarity that was about to be heard.. Around 2:30pm , I was waiting for the bus at my usual stop going Westbound. I'm sitting on the bench and all I see is a young lady waving her middle finger and pushing a shopping card across the street. When she finished crossing to the side I was sitting on , she noticed two Construction workers standing opposite to her (to the side she was waving her finger at) she then yells ""HEY I DID NOT MEAN TO GIVE YOU THE FINGER!"" where the Construction worker replied "" BUT I LOVE THE FINGER!"" in front of everyone. I laughed so hard from this moment because I could not believe how that ended up" +41395,2,"As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.” “Mum, my name is Dave.”" +41396,1,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean." +41397,3,I have a stepladder because my real ladder ran away when I was five +41398,0,"How did the bad Canadian fisherman describe his only catch of the day? ""Aboot this big""" +41399,0,How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face +41400,0,I'm worried about the American diet; Looks like they are planning on rich turkey twice this month. +41401,1,What is the difference between a farmer and a mathematician? One has pro tractor skills. And the other has protractor skills. +41402,0,I thought I was ugly until I looked in the mirror.... And then I realized I'm hideous +41403,4,What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. +41404,0,"Our top story of the day. Today hit-man Jimmy ""Two Shoes"" Mclardy confessed to once being hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two porcelain figurines. Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack. " +41405,0,What do you call a private detective agency and a glory hole? Anonymous Tips +41406,0,My wife asked me to treat her like a queen. So I divorced her when she failed to bear a male heir. +41407,2,You know what really gets under my skin? Splinters. Those get under my skin. +41408,1,Just finished reading a book on the history of tampons. Very absorbing +41409,2,What do Donald Trump and global warming have in common? Hot air +41410,0,Gay footballers are the worst They cant shoot straight +41411,1,What's the hardest part about rollerskating? Explaining to your dad that you're gay +41412,2,"Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party? The address was ""2, Pharaoh Way""" +41413,0,The Cleveland Browns gave me change for a vending machine and I still haven’t repaid them... They are really persistent about getting their quarterback +41414,8,My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible. +41415,2,"Someone stole all my booze, and I'm not even mad. They lifted my spirits." +41416,2,An elf and a human walk into a bar... The halfling and the dwarf pass under it. +41417,2,"What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line? 632 hallmark Christmas movies" +41418,0,Why do girls hate most sentences? ’Cause there's always a period. +41419,0,Did you hear about the high-ranking military father who cloned himself? The result was a Major faux Pa +41420,1,What do you need when your graphics card is drunk? [click here to show spoiler] +41421,0,Knock Knock Who's there? I fucked doctor. I fucked doctor who? +41422,0,"Yo mama Yo mama so poor, she goes to the laundry mat naked." +41423,3,Q & A Teacher: First one to answer the next question gets to leave early. (Johnny immediately threw his bag out the window) Teacher: Who threw that bag? Johnny: I did! Bye guys! +41424,8,"A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, ""Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."" This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. ""What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. ""Okay,"" says the lawyer,"" your turn."" She asks the lawyer, ""What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, ""Thank you,"" puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, ""Well, what's the answer?"" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep." +41425,1,Why do black people have horrible sense of humour? They do not have access to Dad Jokes. +41426,0,"Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat." +41427,1,Why did the eagle spare the mouse's life? He couldn't be buzzard to hunt it. +41428,0,If I see one more person texting and driving I'm going to throw my beer at them. +41429,1,In highschool I used to be girl crazy... And by girl crazy I don't mean I was obsessed with girls...I mean I was irrational and never used logic. +41430,6,Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do. I will single handedly save the plant. Edit: it was meant to be planet. +41431,0,"TIFU by screaming ""TURK!"" at Zach Braff. Whoops, wrong Scrub." +41432,2,"TIL that koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role. The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere. Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food. Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from threats, and asserts dominance over other groups of koi. And if the fish are attacked, the other three swim away, and the predator always goes for the D koi." +41433,2,"An interviewer’s taxi stops in front of a prison... The interviewer asks: “could you wait for me here?” Then the taxi driver says: “no, forget it! The last time someone asked me that he came out 21 years later!”" +41434,1,"Someone sarcastically asked a man with a big belly if he’s pregnant. He replies, “Actually yes I am. It’s a baby elephant, and I think it started coming out already”" +41435,1,An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand. She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet. “Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks. “Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady. “Than what killed it?” Asked the employee very confused. “The Spin Cycle.” +41436,0,"Demon: I saved someone from getting murdered today. Lucifer: Wait, you saved someone? how? Demon: Self-Control." +41437,0,What prize did the unsponsored race car driver win after placing first in the Indianapolis 500? The Indypendant +41438,2,"Wanna hear a sex joke? ""Sure."" ""Head."" ""...I don't get it...""" +41439,1,What do you call it when a cannibal eats a woman's arm before sex? An aphrodisisnack +41440,6,I have a problem with commitment Never mind that joke is lame anyway +41441,3,"I asked my mum how much is in a couple She told me ""Around two or three."" Probably explains why dad left her." +41442,2,"How do you know when you’re dating a Pisces? Why? You never cared to ask me before and I’m the one that had to bring it up in the first place. Never-mind, just forget I said anything." +41443,2,I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can't they hear the music? +41444,0,Why did the female samurai attend the wedding? Because she was made of honor +41445,3,I was fired from the orange juice factory I just couldn't concentrate. +41446,1,Did you hear about the guy who died in a light gust of wind? He was killed by debris +41447,0,I have been seeing a lot of rainbows lately... Not from drugs. Just oil sheens from lax environmental regulations. But thats just not funny. +41448,0,Tits are like lego bricks It hurts if you step on them. +41449,0,Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken. +41450,4,"At a Plastic-Surgery-Addicts-Anonymous meeting “Ah, I see we have a few new faces here today.”" +41451,4,"In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: ""Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"" ""No."" ""So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"" ""Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.""" +41452,8,What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran. +41453,1,What do you call a father that overdosed on ecstasy? Dad with an E. +41454,0,My wife was so embarrassed by her pinkeye... she couldn't make eye contact. +41455,1,"I grew up in Egypt and was thrown in a river as a baby, but I never believed it. I was in denial." +41456,1,So there was a tornado warning during school today The tornado landed in the football field right outside the school. It got a *TOUCHDOWN* +41457,0,What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? A pizza can feed a family. +41458,2,"How cowboys are made ""Dad?"" ""Yes, son?"" ""Where do Cowboys come from?"" ""Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much...""" +41459,0,"A Spaniard flew to Argentina, at the airport in Buenos Aires he asked a local, ...""Donde puedo coger un taxi?"" And the porteño shrugged, pointed to the exhaust and said ""por el tubo""" +41460,6,"When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings... You know she's a keeper..." +41461,0,My wife and I decided to not have kids Unrelated we're moving to Nebraska from our home in Alabama. +41462,0,"Come to the conclusion my dads a dinosaur.. Cause everytime i mention him my mother says ""heneverfuckingsawus"" Makes sence cause dinosaurs havent been around for a while either." +41463,1,Do you know what I hate? People who answer their own fucking questions! +41464,3,Are you a woman who wants longer fuller lashes? Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia +41465,1,What do you call a seagull that flies over they bay? Bagel +41466,2,"Blind Carpenter A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, ""I am a blind carpenter and I need a job.""The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, ""If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?""The blind carpenter says, ""I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell.""The foreman says ""O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got ajob.""The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, ""I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is.""The foreman then puts a piece of lumberon the table and says, ""Ready!""The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says ""That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long.""The foreman says, ""Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify.""The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, ""Ready!""The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, ""This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.""The foreman does this and says ""Ready!""The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, ""That's a clear heart red wood,four by four, six foot long.""The foreman is amazed and says ""That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job.""The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stumpthe blind carpenter by taking off all of herclothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, ""Ready!""The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, ""This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.""The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, ""Ready!""The blind carpenter moves his head fromside to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, ""I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat.""He got the job" +41467,0,"A regular Axe If used on someone, also has body spray." +41468,6,"My 8 Year Old Nephew Had A Joke To Say “What did the ant say to the other ant?” “I dunno, what?” “Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.” “Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.” He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”" +41469,0,"When Donald Trump found out he was an unindicted co-conspirator... He immediately denied it and stated: ""everyone who knows me, knows I'm never on a diet.""" +41470,0,I guess some people thought gay was a Pokemon Because they caught it +41471,2,What's the difference between a plane engine and a flight attendant? The engine stops whining after take-off. +41472,0,What did the zombie say to the other zombie? One zombie to another : You look paler than usual. Zombie : Must be all the grey matter I've been eating. +41473,10,"Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour." +41474,1,What's the difference between a rafting guide and a mutual fund? A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money +41475,0,How can u tell ur about to be arrested? same way u know ur about to get your ass kicked +41476,0,FEMINIST LIFE MOTTO Be the dick you want in your sexless life. +41477,0,What instrument do Mexicans hate the most? The **trumpet** +41478,1,French tanks in WW2 have special features They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping. +41479,2,This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women. It's wedding cake. +41480,2,How do you laugh in North Korean? You dont +41481,1,Brexit walks into a bar. Barman: “Why the long farce?” +41482,0,What do you call it when a skinny person farts? ...Low Carb Emissions +41483,1,"A recent study concluded that oreos are as addictive as cocaine. In a more recent study, I found out that cocaine doesn't actually taste better dipped in milk." +41484,0,Recently a man in Berlin was killed as he and a couple of thieves blew up a condom machine. A piece of shrapnel struck the thief in the head and killed him. The police said the man should have worn protection. +41485,0,My hot neighbor knocked on my door the other day. She said that someone had been stealing her underwear from her washing line and that she had called the police. I nearly shat in her knickers! +41486,0,"Once, a guy went to a psychiatrist and said ""My brother thinks he's a chicken"" And the psychiatrist said "" Well, why don't you put him in a mental institution?"" And the guy replied ""We need the egg""" +41487,0,"A teenage boy comes home late after a night out. His mom, waiting up for him because he is well past his curfew, notices he has lipstick on his collar. She asks angrily, ""And why do you have lipstick on your collar?!"" The boy replies, ""Because I wiped my dick off with it.""" +41488,0,"i was working in the lab late one night... and in walks igor doing some sorta funky dance and i say ""igor! what on god's green earth is that!"" and he says ""it's called the new years shuffle!"" and i say ""you better not let father time seeing you making such fun of his special day"" and igor says ""Father time can get in LINE"" and then igor and the frankenstein did a conga line out the door and into the nippy night air where people were not afraid to see my creation but were indeed celebrating, for a new life (my monster, frankenstein's monster [monster? i barely know him!]) had been created on a new year. haha happy new years everybody" +41489,6,Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2 Save up to $2160 by not buying it +41490,0,"Dang, have you heard about all the people dealing with bad weather down in Irvine California? Oh, what bad type of bad weather? A blizzard" +41491,4,"A man is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in Israel Sadly, the mother-in-law passes away as they reach their destination. The wife is struck by grief, and so the man takes it upon himself to arrange the funeral. The wife silently hopes that they can bring the remains back to their home-country, but leaves everything in the hands of the husband. He talks in depth with the local priest, who explains that arranging for the body to be flown over-seas would cost at least ten times the price of a local funeral. At last, the husband tells his wife they will bring back the remains and have the funeral in the same graveyard as the late father-in-law. The wife thanks him, and feels some relief and happiness that everything worked out. The priest tells the man he made a good decision, and asks what made him choose such a pricey option. Had he been very close to the poor woman? ""I've heard from the likes of you that someone died in this place and woke up three days later. I'm not taking any chances.""" +41492,3,"I told my doctor that I keep getting embarrassing erections. He said, ""It's OK. Just think of your grandma."" As I sat there with my cock in my hand, I said, ""Then what?""" +41493,1,"Goatlover A man gets arrested for making love to a goat in his barn and is facing beastiality charges. The man talks to his lawyer before the trial wondering what he could do to get out of it. His lawyer tells him that he will be in front of a jury, and his best bet would be to appeal to them. His lawyer tells him simply to plead not guilty, and to say that he pulled it out to take a whiz in the barn when the goat just backed up onto him. The man reluctantly agrees, knowing that he may go to jail either way, and goes through with it. In the courtroom, the man explains to the judge that he was in the barn peeing when the goat just backed up onto his member, and that he had nothing to do with it. Then he heard a chuckle from a few guys in the jury, and one says to another ""a good goat would do that, won't he""" +41494,1,I work at a cemetery I always work the graveyard shift! +41495,1,"How did the semi-literate blonde drown? After years of seeing the billboards and flyers, she decided it was time to do her part to help shave the whales." +41496,6,"My father complained ""I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."" Dad, you're using Uber." +41497,0,"Deep from the vaults of St. Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the Vicar, “Good Gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?”." +41498,0,"A man working in a brewery dies after falling in a vat of beer The manager and CEO go to the mans house in the evening and knock on the door. The mans wife opens the door and seeing the sombre look on the two men's faces cautiously asks *""Whats wrong!?""* *""We have some bad news your husband died in a terrible accident at work today""* replied the manager *""He fell into a vat of beer early this morning and drowned""* The wife looks back into the house where the table is set for dinner and the mans return *""This morning?""* she asks angrily *""And you are only just telling me now!!?""* *""Well""* the CEO starts *""He fell in this morning but it took him all day to drown - he kept getting out to use the bathroom...""*" +41499,5,"When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it." +41500,10,He got the order wrong Why did the customer get upset at the waiter? +41501,0,What do you call a women that only give blowjobs? A dickwasher +41502,1,How does Davy Crockett prefer his pie? Alamo'd +41503,1,What is a bread factory called if it gets burnt down? A toast factory :) +41504,0,"Baloney, baloney, baloney... salami." +41505,5,How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb Has to be more than 20 because my basement is still dark +41506,1,Why did the melons have a small wedding? Because they cantaloupe. +41507,1,What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand-EEEYYYYYEEEE +41508,4,"My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it... She craves anarchy..." +41509,1,I wish more men were gay That way there would be more available women to turn me down +41510,0,I always have the worst farts. I guess it's in my jeans. +41511,0,You are a cow Which is good cuz I like myself a good beef. +41512,1,"A man is driving through Alabama... ...when he notices a farmer that is having sex with a sheep. ""That's disgusting!"" he says to himself and continues driving. After a little while, the anger builds up so much that the man says to himself ""I have to go back and give that farmer a piece of my mind."" The man circles back until he reaches the farm again. He stops, gets out of his car, storms to the front door. He pounds the front door and a little boy opens it. ""Can I help you?"" the boy asks. ""Oh... Uhh... Can I talk to your Dad please?"" the man asks. The boy turns and shouts ""There's someone at the door, D-a-a-a-a-a-a-d!""" +41513,0,What do you call a black girl with braces? A black and decker pecker wrecker +41514,2,I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake. Turns out it was a big load of bullshit. +41515,4,"(long)A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ""If I show you something amazing will you give me a free beer?"" The bartender says ""sure, if I'm truly amazed, your first round is on me."" so the man sets his briefcase on the bar, opens it up and pulls out a tiny piano. Then the man reaches in and pulls out a tiny man, about a foot tall. The tiny man sits down at the piano and starts to play a beautiful song. ""That's amazing!"" says the bartender as he pours the man a beer. ""where'd you find that little fella?"" The man pulls out a magic lamp from his briefcase and says ""I got him from this Genie, and I only have one wish left. If you let me drink for free tonight I'll give you the last wish."" The bartender says ""You have a deal!"" and he rubs the lamp and out pops the old Genie. ""what is your final wish?"" the Genie croaks in an ancient voice. ""I want a million bucks."" the bartender says. ""what?"" croaks the Genie, cupping his hand to his ear. ""I said I want a MILLION BUCKS!!!"" the bartender shouts. ""ah...your wish is my command."" Suddenly the whole bar is filled top to bottom with ducks, and they're quacking and shitting all over the place. The bartender shouts ""Hey, what gives! I said a million bucks, not a million ducks!"" and the man at the bar says ""You really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?""" +41516,3,I would tell you all a chemistry joke But it probably wouldn't get a reaction +41517,1,What’s Harper Lee’s favorite drink? ....Tequila Mockingbird +41518,5,"A man gets pulled over for speeding The police officer walks up to the car and asks the man why he got pulled over. ""Yeah, I was speeding, I always drive a bit faster after I've had a few beers"" The cop was stunned, ""you mean to tell me that you were under the influence of alcohol?"" ""Yeah I needed something to ease my nerves after I killed that guy"" The cop raises an eyebrow ""you killed someone?"" ""Oh yeah his body's in the trunk"" The officer was getting a bit nervous next to this admitted killer ""May is see your papers?"" ""Well I totally would get them for you but they're in the glove box and knife is in there and there's a lot of blood"" The cop hearing no more of this called for backup and ordered the man out of the car. When the backup arrived he found nothing. ""Well there was nobody in the trunk,"" the backup say to the man, ""you have no traces of alcohol in your system, there's no knife in the glove box"" ""Yeah I bet he also said I was speeding"" " +41519,8,"After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you Husband: What’s up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there" +41520,1,The worst thing about ad-libs... Is that they are _____. +41521,0,"Deadpool carefully examines the Great Wall of China, the Walls of Constantinople, the Western Wall of Jerusalem, and the US-Mexican border wall. ""Wait a moment, I can't see the fourth one, damn it!""" +41522,7,5 out of 6 scientists say… …that Russian roulette is safe. +41523,2,"Accidentally took the wrong medication I accidentally took my cats medication by mistake, don't ask me-ow" +41524,4,"A man wanks into a bar... ...and the bartender says ""We don't serve your typo here""" +41525,1,How do you do math in your head? Using imaginary numbers +41526,9,Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.. Being a city bus driver is a dream come true. +41527,3,I've never made scrambled eggs before but I thought I'd wisk it. +41528,2,"An oldie but a goody. NSFW A pretty young lady walking down the street notices a limousine on the side of the road. The chauffeur is trying to wrangle a flat tyre off the vehicle. Fascinated she stops to watch. The chauffeur is having a hard time and no apparent luck in getting this tyre off. She looks into his toolbox and makes a helpful suggestion to him. ""would you like a screwdriver?"". He turns around looks her up and down and replies. ""Might as well I am not going to get this fucking tyre off"" " +41529,0,All around the world people are taking to the streets to celebrate the Raptors winning the NBA championship Just look at Hong Kong +41530,0,My dog has ADD so I gave him Ritalin He's so focused now it turned him from a beagle to a pointer. +41531,5,"A man walks into the store to buy condoms Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret? Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother. Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!" +41532,1,"A blonde goes to the doctor A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. ""Sit down and tell me how it happened,"" says the doctor. ""I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."" ""'What about the other ear and your hand?"" the doctor asked. She replied, ""I tried to call for an ambulance.""" +41533,1,"Why is the head cheerleader such a slut? She yelled at an entire crowd to ""Give her the D!""" +41534,0,"Juan the gardener So there is this gardener, named Juan, who works at a mansion. One day, the owner of the mansion walks up and says ""You know what Juan? You've been a great gardener, and you're a great family man, why dont you do more with your life? Like city council?"" So Juan decides to run for city council. And on election day, Juan wins. By a landslide. A LANDSLIDE. So now hes on the city council, and getting all sorts of good stuff done. The crime rate is going down, and the job rates are going up. Then one day somebody walks up to Juan and says ""you know what Juan? You've been a great city councilman, great gardener and great family man. You should do more with your life. Why not run for mayor?"" And Juan says ""I think I will!"" And so on election day, Juan wins, by a landslide. FREAKING LANDSLIDE. So now we got mayor Juan doing all sorts of good stuff. Parks being built, crime going down, jobs going up. Then one day somebody walks up to Juan and says ""you know whatJuan? You've been a great mayor, great city councilman, great gardener and great family man. You should do more with your life. Like governor of the state!"" And Juan says ""I think I will!"" And come election day, Juan wins by a landslide. LANDSLIDE. So now we got a whole state run by Juan. More parks, less crime, more jobs. Someone walks up to him one day and goes ""you know what Juan? You've been a great governor, great mayor, great city councilman, great gardener and great family man. You should do more. Like the house of representatives!"" And Juan says ""that sounds fantastic!"" So come election day, guess what? He wins. By what? Oh yeah, a landslide. ANOTHER LANDSLIDE. So now hes in the house. Got a say in bills and such. More parks, less crime, you get it by now. Someone walks up to him one day and says ""you know what Juan? You've been a great house representative, great governor, great mayor, great city councilman and great family man. You should do more. Like the Senate!"" And guess what Juan says? ""That sounds awesome!"" So come election day, oh yeah, LANDSLIDE VICTORY!! So now he is a senator. More parks, less crime, more jobs. Someone walks up to him one day and says ""You know what Juan? You've been a great senator, great house representative, great governor, great mayor, great city councilman, great gardener and great family man. You need to do more. You should run for president of the United states!"" And Juan says ""Oh yeah!"" So come election day, you guessed it, WE GOT PRESIDENT JUAN IN A LANDSLIDE!!! So now it's time for Juan's inagurational speech. And then someone walks up to him and they SHOOT HIM WITH A GOLF GUN! Now you might find yourself asking ""what the hell is a golf gun?"" I'm not sure, but what u do know is that it out a hole in Juan. " +41535,0,I ain't a racist but... $3500 is $3500. +41536,2,I went on Reddit once I reg-Reddit +41537,0,"Therapy Therapist: what's the problem Patient: I'm sad Therapist: why is that a problem Patient: don't be sad because sad backwards is bad Therapist:*scribbling down something* that's good, can I use that" +41538,0,What do you call a doctor who helps elephants with their acne? A pachydermatologist +41539,0,"Dave's a guy that likes to try new things but he never listens to instructions. First jump skydiving and is plummeting to the ground when he frantically tries to remember what the instructor had been saying in jump school.Suddenly he see a guy flying up towards him from the ground and asked...Hey buddy, do you know how a parachute works? The guy yells back, No I don't...do you know how to safely light a BBQ?" +41540,0,"When You Buy A Bigger Bed... You have more bed room, but less Bedroom" +41541,0,So I closed my eyes... now I cant see +41542,1,What do you call a cheesy male who is not yours? Nacho man +41543,3,"I took an AP Physics test today and finished early, so I wrote this joke in the test booklet out of boredom Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving along when they get pulled over. The police officer asks them if they know how fast they were going. Heisenberg says, ""I'm uncertain."" The officer then asks for them to open the trunk, and they oblige. ""Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?"" the officer asks incredulously. ""I do now!"" Schrodinger replies." +41544,0,Why are lesbians bad cooks? because they always eat out... +41545,1,Jesus said he could move mountains. Mohammed said he could move skyscrapers. +41546,1,My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed. Edit: Grammar should have used a semi-colon +41547,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? because he was a Christian.. +41548,0,"What are you, chicken? ""HEY! Nobody calls me..."" ...Caron, because that's not my name.""" +41549,2,This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple Everything in 1080p. +41550,0,Where do boats go when they get sick? To the dock. --- Where do army boats go when they get sick? Sickbay. +41551,6,Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I’m doing +41552,0,Just back from the market. TIL People also stop using deodorant or soap for Ramadan. +41553,0,Whats the hardest part of vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. +41554,2,Two things you should never do: 1. Run with scissors 2. Scissor with the runs +41555,1,Deleted more like Deyeeted +41556,1,"This guy phoned my house and asked for my son. I said, ""Speaking?"" He said, ""English.""" +41557,0,What do wizard children do after school? Tomework +41558,0,What do you call a cross between a body builder and a box of shreddies? Shredded +41559,0,There is never an excuse to use a contract killer Always pay-as-you-go. +41560,6,"My friend was called fat today. I told him ""It'll be okay, just keep your chins up""." +41561,0,What does a plumber do when he's sad? He turns on the waterworks +41562,2,"You’re one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. " +41563,1,"What's the difference between a chromosome and a hormone? You can't make a chromo-some. ​ *Sorry if this is a repost, my son told this to us at the dinner table.*" +41564,2,How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb? DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB? +41565,1,Did you guys hear about the new sister game to club penguin? Club baby seals +41566,0,"What's black, white, and red, and can't turn around in a hallway? A nun with a harpoon through her neck" +41567,3,"Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed. Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company." +41568,1,What’s the smartest mountain in the world? What’s the smartest mountain in the world? Mt Cleverest +41569,2,"The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate. If you didn’t have one, they gave you one." +41570,2,"A bear walks into a bar Bartender: "" What will you have sir?"" Bear: ""Gin............ and tonic."" Bartender: ""Why the big pause?"" Bear: ""I dont know my dad had them too.""" +41571,1,What do academics and UFC fighters have in common? They both care a lot about submissions. +41572,2,"Despite my objections, my pastor told me and my boyfriend that homosexuality and dyslexia are sinful. I guess I'm in Daniel" +41573,5,What do you call an amputee learning karate? Partial arts +41574,3,What's the difference between a slut and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. +41575,3,Why can’t communists drive stick? They keep Stalin the engine. +41576,0,What did the cannibal have for breakfast? Ham and legs. +41577,2,What did the clone troopers say after they killed Aayla Secura? Bye Felucia +41578,0,"I identify with sleeping... Yeah, I'm a nap-kin." +41579,0,What goes oom oom? What goes oom oom? A cow walking backwards. ( ಠ ͜ʖರೃ) +41580,1,"Did you know the garbage man recognised me? Yeah, he knows all the trash 'round here" +41581,1,It might be 3 inches But it smells like a foot +41582,2,How do you make the best Americanized Chinese food? Like Tso. +41583,1,Girls with houseplants make good girlfriends. Because they’ve learned to care for something that sits around all day being fucking useless. +41584,2,"So three blonds were walking in th woods... When they come across a set of tracks. ""Look at these deer tracks,"" said the first. ""These are clearly elk tracks,"" corrected the second. ""You're both wrong, these are moose tracks,"" replied the third. They were all still arguing when the train hit them. " +41585,1,My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money! They’re calling it the Creddit Card. +41586,3,I just bought 27 books I don't have any shelf control. +41587,0,"Sword fight Friend: so do you and your husband peg each other? Me: no, it's more like a sword fight ;) Husband: if you can call it that. I'm more like a spear Friend: I'm more like a musket. It takes a while to load, but when I'm done poking I make a huge shot Husband: if we're guns, then I'm a rifle: long and with a lot of accuracy Me: yeah I guess I'm more like a BB gun. If you aren't careful you might accidentally shoot your brother in the eye. " +41588,2,"A child asked A child asked his father, ""How were people born?"" So his father said, ""Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."" The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, ""We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."" The child ran back to his father and said, ""You lied to me!"" His father replied, ""No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.""" +41589,1,Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo. +41590,1,Floor What do Mexicans put under their floor? Underlay Underlay! +41591,2,I think that the geese in Canada are racists. They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘! +41592,1,Windows 10 can suck my balls It's amazing how far technology has advanced +41593,0,John Cena gets into a car accident and wakes up in hospital John: Where am I? Nurse: ICU John: No you don't +41594,3,Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? He uses only top notch fresh ingredients +41595,2,"Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians. The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands on the edge of the cliff nervous, says a little prayer and jumps as his fellow Muslims watch on. Alone he weakly goes: ""Allaaaaaaaaaaah"" All of a sudden a wind sweeps him up and he lands safely. The Muslims are ecstatic. Immediately a robotic alien voice is heard booming from the sky. ""Team Allah: Score 1. Next turn belongs to the Jewish God's followers."" After the amazement & confusion subsides a dozen more Jewish followers join their friend on the cliff, say a prayer and jump while the rest of the Jewish congregation anxiously watch on Together they go: ""YAHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEH"" Again a wind sweeps all 13 Jews to safety while their congregation cheers with relief. The voice comes back on ""Team Yahweh: Score 13. Team Allah eliminated"". Immediately a lightning strikes all the Muslims and they disappear. After a brief silence the overhead voice booms: ""Next turn belongs to followers of Christ. If they beat score 13 they win"" The Christians who are shocked by what they just saw collect themselves for the challenge and one by one everyone gathers at the edge of the cliff. Without any hesitation everyone jumps together with a shout that shakes the heaven: ""**JESU-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-US**"" At once all of them fall flat to the ground one on top of the other. After a moment of silence the overhead voice booms ""It's pronounced Yeshua. Team Yeshua disqualified."" " +41596,0,"I broke my fist in a fight... So when I got it X-rayed the doctor asked how it happened. I told him I'd tripped on a step, but he said he could see through me." +41597,0,How recognize a blonde's computer ? There is correction fluid on screen. +41598,0,Germans are straight up alcoholics. Nein beers ain’t enough for ANYONE!!! +41599,0,What was the catchphrase of the cereal rapist? I'm nuttin' honey! +41600,0,What's a Snowflakes favorite subject? Triggered-nometry +41601,1,"Brother-in-arms What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time? ""You're my brother in arms!""" +41602,3,"I Almost Became a Doctor When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters 'PNEIS' and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered 'spine,' are medical doctors today, while the rest of us are posting jokes on the internet. " +41603,2,What do you call a dog's understudy? A subwoofer +41604,3,"A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in  “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”" +41605,2,"Two Jews are outside a church. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ""Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."" The one says to the other, ""should we do it??"" The other says ""NO!! Are you crazy?"" The first guy replies ""Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says ""well, did you get the money?"" He replies ""Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?""" +41606,1,United Airlines new customer service motto: If you can't beat 'em.... ....BEAT 'EM! +41607,3,If Korean pop is K-Pop and Chinese rap is crap... does that mean Swedish hits are shits? +41608,0,What do you call it when you buttchug coffee? Asspresso +41609,0,"I got so many bills to pay, I even got to pay: The Bill of Rights" +41610,0,[NSFW] A guy accidentally took sleeping pills instead of Viagra... he couldn't get up. +41611,0,Did you hear about the man who died in space? It was no laughing matter +41612,1,Why did the hipster burn his lips? He ate his pizza before it was cool +41613,4,"Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid? When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid. The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though..." +41614,3,How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep? Ask him how many times he’s had sex. +41615,2,"Fire exits I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. -Mitch Hedberg" +41616,5,"All my friends clubbed together and got me a sweater I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer, but you can't have it all" +41617,0,An IKEA joke Contents: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Tiny Allen Wrench x1 +41618,0,I'm going to send my gf a fornite win! Edit: ex gf +41619,0,Why did the feminist cross the road? to suck my dick +41620,0,What do you call the Ottoman Empire in September? The Autumn Empire. +41621,1,What do you call a crazy balloon? A balloonatic +41622,0,"Mark Twain has said: ""Traveling to shithole countries is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little non-shithole corner of the earth all one's lifetime.""" +41623,2,What’s the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheel chair +41624,0,What did the redneck get on his SAT? Drool. +41625,1,Knew a girl that had a Christmas tattoo on one leg and a New Years tattoo on the other. I asked if I could come up between the holidays. +41626,3,"A Scotsman Moves to London A young man from the Highlands moved to the big city to seek his fortune. After settling in for a couple of weeks, his mum calls him to check in. ""How do ye like the city so far, son?"" She asked him. ""Ma, it's just the most wonderful place in the world. So much to see and do. But my neighbours are curious folks. The bloke in the flat next door just pounds on the walls all hours of the night. And the woman in the the other flat wails and screams through the night, yelling 'Make it stop!'"" ""Oh dearie,"" his mum replied. ""They sound rather strange. I hope you're alright at home though."" The young man responds ""Aye, ma, I don't let it get me down when it happens. I just take a nip of me whisky and keep playing me bagpipes.""" +41627,0,"Investment fail In college, an ounce of heady weed was the same price as an ounce of gold. I made terrible investments and now I'm a dog walker." +41628,2,The big moron and the little moron were sitting on a wall. The big one fell off but the little one didn't. Why? Because he was a little moron +41629,5,"I like my women how I like my light bulbs... Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement." +41630,1,"I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that ""this is a reenactment"". Oh really? You mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?" +41631,5,"I accidentally joined an organization... I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!" +41632,1,What is a pirate's favorite kind of explosive? A M-80. +41633,0,"My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well? Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals." +41634,0,What do you guys think about setting a middle school education requirement for voting? Oh wait that would get rid of majority of Republicans. +41635,2,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick 😆 +41636,0,"What Kind Of Vagina Does Trump Hate The Most? A Vachina. (sorry in advance if this is a repost, it seems like the kind that gets reposted a lot, but i assure you that this joke just popped in my head and thought it would be a good joke)" +41637,2,What is the most ironic name for a fat man? Jim +41638,0,"A mule has the fits A farmer has a mule with the fits, and he doesn't know what to do about it. The mule acts erratically, won't listen or carry anything, and it's causing the farmer a considerable amount of stress. The farmer asks his friend, another farmer, for advice about the mule. ""I've got a mule with the fits,"" he says, ""What did you give your mule when it had the fits?"" His friend says, ""I gave him a mixture of turpentine and kerosene."" The farmer thinks that's odd, but he trusts his friend's expertise, so he gives it a shot. The next day the farmer goes to his friend again and says, ""I gave my mule some of that turpentine and kerosene. It killed him!"" His friend says, ""Killed mine too.""" +41639,1,"Why do rock stars get married? So one day, they can give half of their money to one lucky fan." +41640,1,Sinks cannot open doors Let that sink in +41641,1,"Two campers are sitting by their campfire... Two campers are sitting by their campfire, when all of a sudden, a giant swarm of mosquitoes began to gather around near the fire. The campers obviously did not want to get bitten, so they put out their fire in an attempt to get rid of the mosquitoes, which worked. Later that night, just as they were about to go to bed in their tents, one camper noticed a couple of lightning bugs were starting to fly around their campsite. Frightened, he told the other camper, ""Wake up! The mosquitoes are back, and they brought flashlights this time!""" +41642,3,Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week? Because Monday through Friday are weekdays. +41643,2,"You have to hand it to Trump Obama proved that a competent, intelligent black man was qualified enough to be the President of the United States. Trump proved that *any* black man was qualified to be President." +41644,1,"So one time, I had a crush on my female teacher... But then I remembered I was homeschooled " +41645,3,"A state trooper pulls over a speeding car. The trooper approaches the car and says “90 miles an hour in a 65, what’s the rush?” The man in the car replies “I’m a magician and juggler at the circus and I’ll be late!” The state trooper thinks for a minute and puts the man up to a challenge. The state trooper says “Alright, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll let you go if you juggle 5 balls” The man says to the trooper “all of my equipment is at the circus, I don’t have anything on me at the moment.” The trooper tells the man to wait and walks back to his car. As the trooper walks back, the man sees the trooper holding 5 road flares under his arms. The trooper says “juggle these” The man is more than happy to. As the trooper is handing him the flares he starts to light them. The man is killing it while juggling these flares, doing spins and throwing them behind his back. About 5 minutes pass and a car slams on its breaks behind the troopers car and lets out a loud screech that catches the troopers attention. In the distance man stumbles out of the car, leans against his car and watches in awe as the man is still juggling after hearing a car come to a screeching halt. Another 5 minutes pass by and the magician is still going strong. In the distance the trooper heard footsteps, and as it caught his attention he saw his police car door slam shut, the third man was inside of the police car. The trooper tells the magician he’s free to go, shakes his hand and tips his hat. The magician drives off. The trooper walks over to the car and immediately burns his nostrils on the intense smell of alcohol radiating from the man inside of his car. The trooper confused asks “what are you doing??” The man says “you may as well take my ass to jail, there’s no way I’m passing that test.”" +41646,2,Why do the conjoined twins travel to London? ...so the other twin gets the chance to drive a car =( +41647,2,Why can't you send files in an email to a Jedi? Attachments are forbidden! +41648,2,Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick into someones ass. +41649,4,"A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, ""Take your child to work day"" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying… Her father asked her what was wrong. As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, ""Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with.""" +41650,2,"A man joins the French Foriegn Legion... ..to forget something. After a while, he had certainly forgotten why he joined, but being a lifetime commitment, he decided to make due. Nothing was horrible, except for the fact that his small desert outpost was totally devoid of women. After a couple of weeks of build up, he went to his sergeant, and explained his troubles. ""Oh, for that we use the camels."" The horny man blinks, and decides that he is in no way that desperate, and simply takes thing in hand for a while. Weeks pass. He starts realizing that ringing his own doorbell isn't easing the itch any longer. He thinks about what the sergeant told him. So, one night, he slips out and goes to the stable, finds a docile animal, and sets a stool up behind it. He drops his pants, and starts to get to answering a natural call unnaturally, when the sergeant walks in. ""Interesting. We usually just ride them into town.""" +41651,1,What's the difference between my wife and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when I pull my meat out of it. +41652,3,I always looks for a chick who is into bad boys. Because I'm pretty much bad at everything. +41653,3,"So, a physicist finds themselves conversing with their god ""God, "" they inquired, ""how does time work for you?"" God replies, ""Everything is a part of me. To compare, 1 of your minutes is but a billionth of 1 of my own."" The physicist thinks for a bit and then queries further, ""God, do you use such a scale for everything?"" God nods, ""Yes, as all things are part of me."" At this the physicist grins, ""If that's the case, could you spare a dollar?"" God grins back, ""I'd be happy to, but you'll need to wait a minute."" " +41654,0,Which is worse? Ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care +41655,2,How is the Tiananmen square massacre similar to the Mueller report? [REDACTED] +41656,1,Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. +41657,1,What did the footwear salesmen do to get the deer away from his house? He shoe'd them away. +41658,3,"Mr Singh walks into a bar in London Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_ _*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, ""You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.""*_ _*Mr. Singh replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.""*_ _*The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.*_ _*Mr. Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.*_ _*One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.*_ _*When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, ""I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.""*_ _*Mr. Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... ""Oh, no,""*_ _*He said, ""Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is...*_ _*I have quit drinking""!!!*_" +41659,1,"I remember one day when my father came home and demanded that my mother make him a sandwich. And to my great surprise, she did. I still don't know where she found bread that was his size." +41660,1,What do you call a byte that likes children? A petabyte. +41661,2,"I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals. I M LIVID" +41662,2,What was the name of Schrodinger's cat? InterMittens. +41663,2,What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner +41664,0,"A guy goes to the doctor “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control!” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.” Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”" +41665,1,My twelfth son will be named Herakles... ...upon his birth I'll tell him he survived my wife's 12 Labours. +41666,1,"All people from Wisconsin talk about cheese ""Que, so?"" " +41667,4,They made a book about my dad It's called The Invisible Man +41668,1,"A smartphone user is browsing Reddit at a funeral. He asks the priest sitting next to him, ""do you have the wifi password""? Looking at him in disgust the priest exclaims, ""Respect the dead""! The smartphone user replies, ""all lowercase""?" +41669,0,"So there was this cherrio..... In the econemy of cherrios there are different ranks you could say. you have the plain ones who have shitty jobs and are pretty much homeless. You have the chocolate ones who are still not doing to good and can just barley afford food and a house. The fruit cherrios are the middle class with okay paying jobs and can afford some treats every once in a while. And the honey nut cherrios are rich as fuck and have really good paying jobs and usually about 7 wifes. So anyway, there was a cherrio who was just a plain cherrio and his ultimate goal was to rise in the ranks of cherrios and become a honey nut cherrio. So he worked and worked and worked until he just barley got enough money and asked his boss for a promotion. His boss says good work and makes him a chocolate cherrio. Now he has a slightly better paying job but is still pretty poor and can just barley get what he needs. So after years and years of more working he finally saves up just enough, and asks his boss for another promotion. His boss at first looks shocked and thinks he stole the money because he gathered it in just a couple years. But a few backround checks and he comes out clear and is promoted to a fruit cherrio. Around this time he has met the love of his life and they are both living in a decent home and are working their asses off still for the one big promotion. And finally after only another 3 years he has worked and saved just enough to become a honey nut cherrio. So he goes to his boss once more and asks for the big promotion. He is so happy for him and not only agrees to his promotion but also says he can have one more thing of his choice. Of course, being the gentlemen he is he decided to ask for his wife to get a promotion too. The boss agrees and now they have a big success. Everyone was so happy for him and proud of his growth that they decided to throw him a party. This was a huge party with millions of cherrios in it and he was having a great time until he got thirsty. So first he stopped in the beer line and it was so long that he couldnt wait that long. So next he went to the milk line and it was full too! But then decided to go to the punch line until he realized, there is no punchline. " +41670,1,Good friends are like balloons.... ....if you stab them they die +41671,2,I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger Then i realized it was inflatable +41672,8,"I just read Trump's book ""The Art of the Deal"" It had four Chapter 11's. " +41673,1,"A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ""What the hell do you think you're doing?"" ""I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."" ""Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?""" +41674,0,If Trump wanted to replace the entrance to the United States... Would he have to make America's gate again? +41675,5,"An American visits an Irish bar. Having heard about the drinking habits of the Irish he challenges the Irish: ""I'll give 100$ if any of you can drink 10 pints back-to-back!!"" No one takes the bet, but a man leaves immediately. After 30 minutes the man returns, approaches the American and asks if the bet is still up. The American excited to see if the rumors are true nods his head. The bartender brings 10 pints of beer and sure enough the Irishman downs them all as if they were water. A bit suspicious the American hands over the 100$ dollar and says: ""Very impressive! May I ask though why you had to leave for half an hour before taking the bet?"" The Irishman then laughs and says: ""Oh, I didn't want to look like a wee fool, so I went to another bar to make sure I could do it first"" " +41676,0,I was blessed with a 10-inch penis. The priest is up for parole this year. +41677,3,If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria. Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell! +41678,0,[OC] Did you hear about the actor who quit his job to become a Medical Examiner in a small town in Virginia? It's true: Morgan Freeman works at a morgue in Freeman. +41679,2,"I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation." +41680,2,"Job Interview : ""What is your great weakness?"" - Honesty - I don't think that honesty is a weakness - i don't give a shit what you think ! " +41681,0,What do you get when you cross Yoda with Shrek? Ogre-Wan Kenobi +41682,0,What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? One doesn't scream when you put it in an oven +41683,0,Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... ...They always take things literally. +41684,0,What do you call a black abortion clinic? Crime stoppers +41685,0,How do camels have sex? They hump. +41686,0,I was watching the discovery channel the other day and they said that a lion would never cheat on it’s mate... But a Tiger will. +41687,3,"How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ? Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you. as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask ""Are these from your seat ? """ +41688,4,"Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform. After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer. Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, ""The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond.""" +41689,0,How do you climb Trump Tower? With a corporate ladder. +41690,2,Whats the difference between being a lumberjack and other jobs? You get the axe when you're hired. +41691,3,What do we want? FREE HEARING AIDS!! When do we want them?? FREE HEARING AIDS!! +41692,0,Did you know that your lips are made of the same skin as your butt? It brings a whole new meaning to kiss my ass +41693,1,Was it bad? To yell at my gf if I should dig up hitler to show her how to use an oven +41694,0,"Want to hear a joke about daylight saving? Never mind, you missed it." +41695,0,Did you hear about the guy whose whole left arm was cut off? He's all right now. +41696,0,Why did President H W Bush finally give up? He was Bushed. +41697,0,How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool. +41698,0,George Michael was jus here... And then wham! It was his last Christmas +41699,0,"Two for One! Joke 1: Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms! Joke 2: Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally." +41700,2,What is the BDSM communitie's favorite scripture? Turn the other cheek. +41701,9,This sums up the 90s 90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945 +41702,0,"In hell, Why is Hitler buried up to his eyeballs in shit, but Stalin is only buried to his nose? Because Stalin in standing on Lennins shoulders. From a Russian friend." +41703,2,"A man is on a journey through the rural countryside On the first night of his journey, he stops at a farm and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer agrees, but tells the man he must sleep in the barn with his 18 sheep. The man does so and in the morning, the farmer asks the traveller how he feels. ""I feel like wool. Wouldn't you feel like wool if you slept with 18 sheep?"". The man continues on his journey and that night stops at another farm. The farmer agrees to let the man stay, so long as he sleeps in the barn with his 18 cows. The traveller agrees and before he leaves the next morning, the farmer asks him how he feels. The man says ""I feel like beef. Wouldn't you feel like beef if you slept with 18 cows?"" The man continues on his way and stops at another farm that evening. He asks the farmer if he can spend the night. The farmer agrees but tells the man that he must sleep in the house with his 18 beautiful daughters. The man happily accepts the offer. The next morning, the farmer stops the traveller and asks him how he feels. The traveller says ""I feel like a golf ball"". ""A golf ball?"" Replies the farmer. ""Yeah, wouldn't you feel like a golf ball if you went in and out of 18 holes?""" +41704,1,"Nate the Snake Once there were two friends named John and Bob. John and Bob were going to California to spend some time at the beach. As they were driving through the desert their car hit a sand dune and flipped. Bob was killed instantly, and John barely made it out alive. Since Bob and John had not planned for a long drive they had packed very little food and water. John was only able to find a small bottle of water for his journey. So in the heat of the desert John started to trek to the nearest town. On the first day John made good progress and only drank about a fourth of his water. The next day he was very tired and drank almost his entire bottle and made very little progress. On the third day he was had finished his water and was barely able to walk. When he was just about to give up and face death, he spotted a giant snake in the distance. He stumbled over to the snake and asked where the nearest town was. The snake replied that it was still about 50 miles away and that John stood no chance of reaching it alive. Now the Snakes name was Nate and he was no ordinary snake. Nate told John that he could grant him three wishes, but with each wish their would be a consequence to come with it. The first wish would come with the consequence of Nate bitting John. The second wish would come with the consequence of a great responsibility. The third and final wish would come with the consequence of the greatest responsibility of all. John agrees because he stands no other chance of survival. So Nate asks John what he wants for his first wish. John is unsure so he asks what people normally wish for, Nate replies that most people wish for infinite endurance so they can escape the desert. John agrees with that so Nate bites him and John gains infinite endurance. Nate then asks John what he wants for his second wish, John is unsure so he asks Nate what most people ask for. Nate replies that most people ask for infinite strength and John agrees. Nate then gives John infinite strength and gives him a great responsibility. The responsibility is to take care of Nate's son Jake. Nate tells John to show Jake the world and to keep him safe at all times. Finally John has the option to ask his final wish. John again asks Nate what most people choose. Nate replies that most ask for infinite wisdom. John of course agrees. Nate gives John infinite wisdom and the greatest responsibility of the world. Suddenly a lever comes out from under the sand. Nate explains to John that this lever is the most important thing in the entire world. One pull of this simple lever and everything on the world would be destroyed. Nate makes John promise that if the world is ever so bad and evil he will pull this lever. Now John is a man who holds true to his promises and responsibilities. The next years were full of adventures and excitement for John and Jake. They traveled the world together and saw so many crazy things. One day when they were camping in the wilderness Jake was attacked by a bear. Only by Johns infinite strength Jake barely made it out alive. After his near death experience Jake realized that he had barely spent anytime with his father Nate. Jake explained this to John and said he wanted to be with his father more. John agreed and proposed the idea of buying a large camper and taking Nate on all their journeys with them across the world. Jake loved the idea so John and Jake bought a camper and headed to the desert to pick up Nate. Since it had been years since they last visited Nate, John had trouble finding him. Finally as John drove over a dune he saw Nate and the lever standing at the bottom of the dune. In Johns excitement he sped up the camper to a whopping 80 mph. This however was a horrible idea because he lost control of the camper and its brakes gave out. John was headed straight for the Lever and Nate. Now John had only two choices; turn the camper and hit Nate or hit the lever and kill all mankind. John in all his infinite wisdom knew that he could not hit the lever. Jake was crying and so were John and Nate, but they all knew, better Nate than lever." +41705,4,What do you call an intestine that's been partially removed? A semicolon! +41706,2,What do you call a bad president? Who cares? Stop posting politics here. +41707,0,"A cop passes out some joints as part of a drug education program A school police officer passes out 3 joints to the teenagers in the classroom. He tells them that if he doesn't get them all back, he's putting the whole school into lock down and searching everyone. When he collects the weed, he only get 2 joints. Before he starts searching everyone, someone comes up with the weed. Another kid looks like he's about to say something, but puts his hands back in his pockets and looks around nervously." +41708,2,[nsfw] 2 men at the bar 2 men at the bar sit and talk about mariage and sex. 1st man: So do you ever take your wife in the other hole to spice things up? 2nd man: are you crazy??? I would risk getting her pregnant!!! +41709,0,"NSFW I like my coffee like I like my women, Without cream in it" +41710,7,Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore? Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster. +41711,0,"Why don't Asian parents like Hamlet? Because the monologue should be ""To A or not to A""" +41712,3,I wanted to post a joke about sodium But Na people wouldnt understand it. +41713,5,What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey +41714,0,Circumcised people have their foreskin..... +41715,2,What do you see when a woman in the Army wears her pants too tight? Camo toe. +41716,0,"Hey man, are you not enjoying your trip to Europe? Are you have trouble with the people there? Nah, it's just this one euro peein' that's getting me down... " +41717,2,My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one +41718,1,Kids are getting high on Imodium now? I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze! +41719,0,"What's black, white, and red all over? A sun burnt zebra!" +41720,1,What do you call a stoner who sits around all day? A baked potato +41721,1,"What’s a racist’s favourite Disney song? “Put That Thing Back Where It Came From, Or So Help Me”" +41722,0,Ive been in jail five minutes and ive already been raped twice Im tired of playing monopoly with my dad. +41723,1,"I was gonna make a Justin Bieber joke.. But, Sorry." +41724,0,I thought this was here for a second and well it belongs here. Not my story in case I need to say that. +41725,0,My friend said there is no off switch to life I proved him wrong and closed Facebook +41726,3,What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass +41727,1,"It is the French Revolution and people are being executed. The executioner grants the people who are being executed one last request before their heads are cut off. A nobleman walks up to the block and says,” As a nobleman I request that all of my money go to my three children.” “Very Well” the executioner said. And he was executed. A scientist walks up to the block,”As a scientist I wish to end my career for science. I request for you to count how long it takes for me to die fully” “Very well” said the executioner, and he counted how long the scientist kept his thumb up after his head was off. A jester walks up to the block,” As a jester I wish to perform my final joke before death!” “Very well” said the executioner. So the jester stood on the block and gracefully and victoriously waved the French flag back and forth in the wind, symbolizing all the victories the French would win in the future. And he was executed." +41728,0,Period movies are deadly... ...also bloody too. +41729,2,Italians don't just have style... ...They have pizzazz... +41730,0,Kim Jong Un is obsessed with pornography He is always looking for the raunch codes +41731,1,"Ready? On Three: why does every French cat drown? Un, Deux, Trois… Cat sank" +41732,2,"Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard. It's a comment karma chameleon." +41733,7,Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics? It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for +41734,2,What do you call a dishwasher malfunction? A dishaster +41735,0,Why does the new Polish Navy have glass-bottomed boats? To see the old Polish Navy! +41736,0,My eyes are horrible 1/20 would recommend +41737,1,Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning. +41738,5,I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either. +41739,0,I got my first kiss from a girl today.... It was milk chocolate. +41740,3,"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ""A beer please, and one for the road."" " +41741,0,What's the most confusing holiday? Well for Caitlyn Jenner it's Father's Day and Mother's Day +41742,1,"I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks... ...except ""Drops of Jupiter"". That one's ok. " +41743,2,Schools should have a class designed for introverts... *anti-social studies* +41744,0,What do you call a Mexican woman who has no legs? Cunts way low +41745,1,What’s to the east of Westeros? Westos +41746,0,"If a mole was in a baseball game, what position would he be in? The Ref" +41747,3,My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house. I really need to sort my life out. +41748,0,I like my men how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee. +41749,1,You can't run on a camping site... you can only ran because it's past tents +41750,1,"Favorite Irish Joke (Possible repost, please add your own!) An Irishman walks into a bar on Saint Patrick's Day and sits down at the end, enjoying his Guinness alone. A drunk guy stumbles up to him and quietly says ""Fucked your mom last night."" The Irishman shakes his head, picks up his beer and moves down the bar away from the drunk, continuing his drink in peace. A few minutes later, the drunk guy sits down next to him and says ""Your mom is a real nice piece of ass.' The Irishman stands up, visibly angry and moves to the last seat at the bar. This time, he doesn't even sit down before the drunk says 'Made your mom squeal like a pig last night."" The Irishman slams down his beer and yells out 'ENOUGH DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK!" +41751,5,"A teen is telling his parents what he wants to major in ""I want to be a history major,"" he says. The dad responds, ""No you don't! There's no future in it!""" +41752,0,A man who suffers from epilepsy is carried by two paramedics in a single stroke. +41753,2,"Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct. ""I'm Gay.""" +41754,0,"A son asks his father, "" Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"" A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”" +41755,2,My girlfriend is the square root of -100. A solid 10 but imaginary. +41756,4,I just completed a puzzle in 6 months despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box. +41757,2,"How did the Americans win WW2 In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, ""Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas."" The next day, an American soldier called out, ""Hans!?"" A German popped up and shouted back, ""Ja?!"" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, ""Hans?!"" ""Ja?!"" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, ""What is a popular American name?"" ""John!"" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, ""John!?"" An American called back, ""Is that you Hans?!"" ""Ja!"" And that is how the Americans won WWI." +41758,3,"A guy goes for a round of golf with his boss... A guy goes for a round of golf with his boss but the day is a bit stressed as there is constantly two women playing ahead and taking their sweet time on the fairways and greens. After a few holes of this nonsense, the boss asks the guy to go ask the ladies to step aside so they can play through. The employee walks down the fairway and about halfway there, he turns abruptly and comes back. ""Are they gonna move or what?"" asks his boss. ""I couldn't ask,"" explains the employee, ""one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress!"" ""Damn it! I'll go sort this out,"" says the boss and he heads down the fairway, but halfway there, he too turns back. When he gets back he looks the employee in the eye and says: ""It's a small world.""" +41759,0,"Repossessed furniture has advantages... ~ The remote is gone for a reason! ~ Couch Potatoes, become Floor Potatoes. ~ ""There is Nothing on TV"" gets a new meaning. ~ ""We have a garden?"" replace the reason above. :-.> " +41760,1,"I've just met an arab with 10 cows A true ""Milk sheik""" +41761,0,What Do You Call a Bear that Experiences Frequent Mood Swings? A bipolar bear. +41762,0,Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? for drizzle. +41763,0,"So three guys hit some meth on a trail in the woods... John looks at Tim and notices that he's tweaking out, so John whispers to Matt... ""Hey Matt, let's have some fun with Tim."" Matt queitly replies with an ""Okay"". John starts his act. ""Hey!"" John says just loudly enough for everyone to hear. ""What?!"" Tim exclaimed. ""Sh! Quiet! I think someone is following us."" John says. ""Yeah... it doesn't sound like an animal."" Matt adds. ""I thought I heard something too!"" Tim says excitedly. ""Someone needs to go check it out!"" John says. ""Yeah! Yeah! Okay!"" Not a second later Tim is running behind them towards the woods. John and Matt laugh for a while, but a hour later Tim is no where to be seen, so they smoke some more Meth and wonder if they should go look for Tim. Right before they begin to look for him Tim comes running back. ""Oh shit! Tim what happened bro?!"" Matt asked. Tim, out of breath, takes a couple of seconds to get his air. Tim stands up straight and his eyes get real big. ""Matt you aren't gonna believe this but... *""THEY GOT AWAY!""* " +41764,0,What is it called when foreign girls spread their legs? I call it the British open. +41765,0,What's the difference between jelly and jam? Nobody would name their band Pearl Jelly. +41766,0,hi What did the stork say to the couple? Sorry mates Im out of babes (its a linguistic joke) +41767,5,What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater? Wow! That's the most violent thing I've read in a while! +41768,4,"An atheist, a vegan and a crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes." +41769,1,What do you call a pansexual man named Nicolas who works in a CD store? Pan Nick at the Disc Co. +41770,1,"My grandfather used to tell me this one all the time, it's cheesy but a classic to me. A wealthy man walks into a very very expensive restaurant with his guests. The waiter comes over and asks him ""what would you like?"" The man says, ""give me the most expensive steak on the menu."" A bit later the stake comes out. A hundred dollar steak. He tastes it. He calls the waiter over. The waiter asks him what’s the problem The man says ""this is a bad steak. I payed over $100 and I want a good steak."" The waiter assures him it’s the best steak in the house, that the chef cooked it properly, but the man says ""I want to talk to the chef."" The waiter goes back and tells the chef that the man wants to talk to him and he’s really upset with the steak. So the chef goes out and asks what's the problem. The man says, ""I payed over $100 for this steak, and it isn't even good."" The chef tells him it's cooked perfectly and is the exact temperature it should be. ""My steak is bad!"" the man exclaims, ""what are you going to do about it?"" So the Chef picks up the steak in one hand and with the other hand slaps it and says “bad steak bad steak “. :)" +41771,3,"Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, ""You did a very good job. I am very proud of you."" ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today." +41772,1,"The Traveling Salesman A traveling salesman is going from door to door in a town, and as he walks up to the door of the last house he hears what sounds like music playing inside the house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by a twelve year old boy with a cigar in one hand, a scotch in the other, wearing his mother's lingerie, playing Metallica at a volume usually reserved for concerts. The salesman is taken aback by this and he says to the boy, ""Oh! Um. Son. Are your parents home?"" The boy stares at him for a second and says, ""The fuck do you think"" and slams the door." +41773,2,"When I eat... Tom walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bar man, ”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!” Bar man processed his request and gave him his meal and everyone else their meals. When they finished enjoying their meal he shouted for another order, ”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, bcoz when I drink, I want everybody to drink.....!” Everyone was happy and singing praises, saying Tom is “The Man”. When Tom finished his drink he shouted again: “Give me my bill and give everyone else their own bill, bcoz when I pay for my meals and drinks, I want everyone else to pay for theirs!” Tom's funeral is tomorrow at 10 am." +41774,0,What do you call an event for gay swingers? A swap meat. +41775,2,Good friends are like broken elevators They never let you down +41776,1,"My buddy told me to duck. I said, ""Thanks for the heads up!""" +41777,3,"What do you call it when a trickster god is singing just a little flat, but nobody really notices? Low-key low key Loki." +41778,2,Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they. +41779,1,"A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a small turtle on the porch. Surprised, he picks up the turtle and throws it as far as he can. A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same turtle. The turtle says: “What the fuck was that all about?”" +41780,0,"What did the grape do when the strawberry slapped him? Nothing, it just let out a little while" +41781,1,"Hey, did you see that thing on... ""Yeah, I Reddit.""" +41782,0,Not a regular O and Q joke O: dude how do you pee on this side when your thingy is on the other side Q: Talent mostly. +41783,0,Today my coworker told me That every time he sees a colon sample box needed to be loaded he makes sure he doesnt load it so someone else had to. I said thats pretty crappy of him to do that. +41784,1,"I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with... She said yes, all others has been nines and tens" +41785,4,R.I.P Boiling water You will be mist +41786,1,Yesterday I had a picture framed Now is doing time upstate for armed robbery. +41787,0,I recently got fired on my first day as a barrister. I was latte for work. +41788,0,Yo mama so fat she's got an atmosphere. +41789,0,I don't donate to charity. It's too much headache and paperwork to deal with on my tax return. +41790,1,"Two people are in a fight. Guy 1: ""Well, your sister blew me, and it only cost two dollars!"" Guy 2: ""So she's only charging a dollar an inch these days?""" +41791,0,I was able to make a purchase with blackcurrants in the Mediterranean You may think how. It's because it's a currant-sea. +41792,2,"What sex position makes ugly children? I don't know, ask your mother. " +41793,2,What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....? Sketchy +41794,6,What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop. +41795,5,What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file +41796,1,Common scene Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted! +41797,0,Marshall's trip to the ER Marshall goes to check into the ER and complains that his knees are weak and his arms feel heavy. His nurse jokingly asks if his palms are sweaty and if there is vomit on his sweater already. Marshall never replied because he was having a stroke. +41798,1,"Choose a color, I’m taking a survey. Reddit is, then" +41799,5,"A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex. The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man ""Where's the good stuff!"" The man replies, ""I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."" Robber: ""you love your wife that much huh?"" The man: ""No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!""" +41800,0,"GET IN LINE... A man vacationing in Italy notices an odd funeral procession passing through town one morning. Behind the hearse is a man walking a dog. Marching behind him is a long line of men stretching beyond eye sight. Looking for an answer the man quickly rushes down to meet them. ""Sorry to interupt, but I've never seen a funeral procession orchestrated like this. What happened, exactly?"" The man walking the dog replies, ""my wife was yelling and my hound here attacked her, then when my mother in law arrived, he attacked her too."" ""Interesting"", the man thinks aloud. ""Hey, do you think I can borrow that dog?"" ""Sure!"", the man walking the dog replies. ""Get in line."" " +41801,2,What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter +41802,3,"On a college road trip... In college I joined a student group called Students Against Undergraduates Drinking Irresponsibly (SAUDI for short). As you can probably tell it was committed to reducing the number and severity of alcohol related incidents on campus. After a successful semester some friends from SAUDI and I took a road trip to a nearby beach. On the way there I took a turn at the wheel. After a few minutes I realized that all the other cars on the road were Toyota Centuries. The others in the car also found this curious and so we agreed that I should begin to accelerate and see how many Centuries there were. Amazingly, after we passed the first few there were even more. I managed to catch up to the 20th consecutive one before realizing the car's check engine light was on. I pulled off the road and went to an auto shop to get it checked out. The mechanic said we had a small leak in our oil tank and we'd need to replace both the tank and the oil. We all chipped in some cash, but found we didn't have enough to both buy the new tank and fill it. Crestfallen, I turned to my friends and said, ""Too bad the oil money is preventing the SAUDI society from catching up to the 21st Century.""" +41803,3,"If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight? Developing cancer." +41804,2,"My friend asked me to put him into one of my jokes i said ""Sure how about this one?"" [credit to Demetri Martin]" +41805,0,What did the man with no hands have trouble with? Holding things +41806,0,What don't you have to do when dating an orphan? Meet their parents +41807,0,"My friend once moved to Greece just for the yogurt... ...turns out he loved the weather, but hated the culture." +41808,1,"A Frenchman and his two sons become the dictators of North Korea. Their names? Kim-Jong Un, Kim-Jong Deux and Kim-Jong Trois. (I'm sorry if not original it just came to me)" +41809,4,"A lady walks into Harrods. A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, ""Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!""" +41810,5,"The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most Britain is in the lead, but America has A Trump card" +41811,3,What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection? No hard feelings. +41812,2,"The train driver. Once upon a time there was a guy that was very passionate about trains ever since he was a little kid. So no one was surprised that once he grew up he became a train conductor. However as much as he loved trains he was really terrible at driving them. Sadly, one day he caused a terrible accident in which one person died. Due to the laws of country he was in he was accused of manslaughter and sentenced to death by an electric chair. On the day of execution driver was asked about what he would like his last meal to be. He asked for a banana. After he ate his last meal, he was strapped to an electric chair. Everybody got ready and the executioner pulled the lever. Electricity crackled Lights in the room flickered And entire room got filled with black smoke from the chair Then smoke revealed... driver sitting in the chair alive and completely unfazed. Since surviving an execution was considered a divine intervention in this country, driver got declared innocent and set free. After some time history repeated itself and once again a tragedy occurred. This time driver killed 2 people in a train accident. Once again he was accused on manslaughter and sentenced to death by an electric chair. Once again on the day of the execution driver was asked what he would like his last meal to be This time he asked for 2 bananas Then, driver was once again strapped to an electric chair. Everybody got ready and the executioner pulled the lever. Electricity crackled Lights in the room flickered And entire room got filled with black smoke from the chair Then smoke revealed... driver sitting in the chair alive and completely unfazed. Once again this was declared a divine intervention and train driver got set free However as tragic this may sound, a third tragedy took place. This time in a train accident 3 people died. Once again he was accused on manslaughter and sentenced to death by an electric chair. But this time executioner said \\-""No! I have no idea how you did that before but you ain't getting away this time! You ain't getting any bananas this time!"" Then driver was strapped to an electric chair. The executioner pulled the lever. Electricity crackled Lights in the room flickered And entire room got filled with black smoke from the chair Then smoke revealed... Driver, sitting in the chair alive and completely unfazed. Executioned was shocked and unable to speak So the driver spoke up instead, feeling kinda sorry for the executioner. ""You know, sorry to say that but those bananas had nothing to do with me surviving. I'm just a terrible conductor.""" +41813,0,"Who cares that Bush did 9/11? Its not that bad or particularly good. Its 82% that's a low ""B""." +41814,3,"I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good. Honestly, it's a piece of cake." +41815,2,Me: I’m terrified by random letters Therapist: oh are you? Me: (screams) Therapist: oh I see Me: (screaming intensifies) +41816,4,TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they're more likely to be dead +41817,0,"Intel sure is having a huge week! CPU vulnerabilities, allegations of insider trading, and a new CPU architecture announced. They're calling it shady lake." +41818,0,What do you call a shooting that happens at MD Anderson? A Mass Shooting. +41819,0,"I’m on a seafood diet I see food, and I don’t eat it, because like I said, I’m on a diet " +41820,1,The guy at my local pizzeria does tricks while he tosses the dough. He’s so good he makes it look like a pizza cake. +41821,0,Love your next one like yourself. -Kurt Cobain +41822,1,My friends haven't been talking to me since the day I told them I didn't watch Game of Thrones. To be completely fair they didn't do that before either. +41823,0,"Harrison Ford, Dolly Parton, and the U.S. congress are all signed on to do a movie together... ...It's called ""Indiana Jones and the Temple of Boobs""" +41824,1,Bill Gates is the king of self deprecating dick jokes After he named his company after his. +41825,3,Donald Trump's brain is so big It's too much of a hassle to take it with him +41826,1,What happens when Santa shakes his hips really fast? Jingle balls. +41827,2,"At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ""Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"" The priest responded, ""Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"" Giuseppe proudly replied, "" I gonna go pick her up.""" +41828,1,How to make a hormone? Simple. Don't pay her. +41829,4,"Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’" +41830,2,I lost my job at the sperm bank today I was drinking on the job +41831,2,Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear? He wore a hole in that fig leaf. +41832,1,Whats black and isn't working? Black lives matter. +41833,1,Study shows no long-term cognitive benefit to breastfeeding. Well clearly they didn't study enough. +41834,0,I hate grizzly bears... I guess you could say they're... unbearable +41835,1,Day 1443 without sex..... My sleep paralysis demon looked hot today. +41836,2,"A mom and one of her three sons had a conversation when he suddenly asks: Mom why am I named feather? Mom: Because when you were born a feather landed on your forehead. Later that day the youngest child, butterfly asks the same question. Mom why am I named butterfly Their mom says: Because as I earlier told your brother a butterfly landed on you forehe... As she's about to finish the sentence the middle child runs in the room and ""saying"": Agagfag gt atfafftafh shhs Their mom says: Knock first brick" +41837,0,"Texas billionaire vs Jose Texas billionaire : If I start driving my car at sunrise, I will not be able to cover even half of my estate by sunset. Jose Alejandro : If I had such a useless car, I would have sold it long time ago. " +41838,3,"Why are Camels called ""Ships of the desert?"" Because they are full of Arab sea men." +41839,0,"Two goldfish are in a fish tank One goldfish keeps swimming while the other one says, ""Do you know how to drive this thing?""." +41840,2,Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes? I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again +41841,0,"Did you hear about the man who got cooled down to absolute zero? Don't worry, he's 0K now." +41842,3,We should send sex offenders raid Area 51 Alien vs Predator +41843,0,What do my inability to play video games and the tomato’s I didn’t want on my sandwich have in common *Server error* +41844,2,What's the difference between my penis and my jokes? My jokes are long :/ +41845,2,Why do averages never get along? Because one of them is always mean. +41846,0,There is one book we all desperately want. Addictionary. +41847,1,"A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian ""Book, Book, Book."" The librarian hands the chicken three books. On the way out, the chicken runs into a frog. The chicken shows the books to the frog: ""Book, Book, Book."" The frog replies ""Reddit, Reddit, Reddit.""" +41848,1,Why did the bagel go the bar? To get toasted +41849,1,"I was so poor when I was young that ..... ...if I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have anything to play with ." +41850,1,Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose! +41851,0,"If ""pro"" is the opposite of ""con"" What is the opposite of congress?" +41852,2,What's the first thing you should do when Nicki Minaj dies? Turn the radio back on +41853,3,Who handles font related crimes? A sans sheriff! +41854,0,"Her husband bought her a mood ring the other day. When she is in a good mood it turns green. When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead. Next time, he'll buy her ~~a diamond!~~ **A better pair of prosthetic hands.**" +41855,4,"Slippers Murphy goes to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, ""Me feet are freezin' mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"" ""No bother,"" says Murphy, and he runs upstairs. Upstairs are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. ""Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."" ""Fook off ya liar!"" ""I'll prove it,"" Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, ""Both of 'em, Paddy?"" ""Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?""" +41856,0,What's it called when a Pokemon urinates? Pika-pee. +41857,1,"A man is watching tv with his dog. He looks at it and says. Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money. Dog: No one will believe you..." +41858,1,What did Santa say to a Statistics class? Null hypothesis Null hypothesis Null hypothesis +41859,6,"My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF? I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa." +41860,2,What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full. +41861,1,A blind man walks into a bar And a chair And a table And a person And a wall +41862,0,What did the father say before stars were created? I have no sun. +41863,6,"My Doctor told me to start killing people.... Well not exactly in those words, but he said ""I had to reduce the stress in my life"". " +41864,2,"My best friend became a serial killer after his girlfriend Ruth left him Now that shes gone, he pretty much became ruthless" +41865,0,What do planets like to read? Comet Books! +41866,2,My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old Until she checked the freezer. +41867,0,I asked santacraus for everything in the world found my sock inside out +41868,1,"Overused joke. Hope you like it anyways. Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook? Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it. Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Person 2: Word." +41869,2,How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He fell and landed on 15 bullets. +41870,2,What kind of swimsuit do you wear to the zoo? Zuchini +41871,1,Whats the hardest part of playing Fortnite? Telling your parents that you're gay. +41872,2,"The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise. May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth. This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds herself a man, and she marries. They too have a little girl, also named May. May Elizabeth III. May Elizabeth III found herself a husband, and they married. She wanted to keep her maiden name, but her spouse wasn’t too fond of it. May Elizabeth III pleaded, saying that he will understand in a few years. He finally agreed, and she stays May Elizabeth III. They had a child, and again named May. May Elizabeth IIII. 16 years into the future, and it’s prom night. A nice young man shows up at the door, ultimately asking May Elizabeth IIII to prom. He asks both of her parents, as they stand beside her, if he has permission to take their daughter to prom. The father is about to say something, but she stops him. He is confused, but notices May Elizabeth III has a smirk on her face. Her face lights up as she says: “May the fourth be with you”" +41873,0,Is there an emoji for a carrot? Or am i just blind? +41874,3,What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped +41875,2,What do you call eating ass while you're both drunk? Getting shitfaced. +41876,1,I don't always tell dad jokes... It's probably because I never knew him. +41877,0,"Today, I saw someone who was both male and female. He was such a cunt, being a dick but most importantly he was an asshole." +41878,1,Without geometry... life is pointless. +41879,4,"A woman gets on a bus. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'" +41880,0,"If you read this post, your phone rings and a scary voice says ""Seven days!"". Now you're glad that I'm just kidding!" +41881,0,"I'm not sure if this fits here, but it's a true story. I used to be a porter at a dealership... My main job was to drive people around. Someone would need a ride home while their car was being worked on, and I was the guy to give it to them. A couple months into the job, I was pretty used to the fact that I'd be driving the occasional druggie, but I never liked it. One day, a service writer called me to drive his customer home. I knew he was fucked up the second I saw him. His head twitched from person to person constantly and couldn't keep his attention on anything for more than a few seconds at a time. All I could do was grin and bear it. We loaded in the car and took off. I spent close to 30 minutes trying to talk to him and get directions, but he was so far gone he could barely keep up. His eyes darted everywhere and he seemed to drift into his own world every time I'd ask him where I was supposed to turn. I finally got him to his house and sped back to the job, mad that I had to deal with his worthless self. As I walked into the dealership, I looked for the service writer to complain that he made me drive him, and found him at his desk. I said ""Damn, man. I hate driving people like that!"" He looked at me with the most suprised face I've ever seen and said "" What, deaf people?""" +41882,2,Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party? He spiked the drinks. +41883,1,"I wasn’t feeling well so I went to the doctor. I’m in the room and the nurse leaves, the doctor comes in the room and tells me I need to stop masturbating. I asked why and he said “because I need to start the exam!”" +41884,2,"A cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ""You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."" The cowboy replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ""I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."" The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. ""Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"" he explains. ""It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."" “It hasn't affected my brothers though.""" +41885,1,What did the sneaker say to the cat? Shoe! +41886,0,"What's the difference between sex and delivery. In delivery, it is good when you come quickly" +41887,3,If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy I'd have enough money to not need a job +41888,1,You might Be a redneck if..... Your bananas and your wife have the same amount of bruises +41889,2,"What do pizza delivery guys and gynecologists have in common? They can smell it, but they don't get to eat it." +41890,1,"Once a friend told me he thought lesbian and vegetarian were the same thing... I answered: Well, they both lack some... Meat" +41891,6,My wife and I were happy for twenty years... Then we met. +41892,1,What do you call a phone that plays music? A saxophone +41893,5,"Saw a sign in a pet shop window today for a talking centipede, for only $500.00! I thought to myself, ""What a bargain!"" and I took it home in a little box... When we got home, I opened it up and asked the centipede if it would like to go down to the bar for a beer, but the centipede didn't answer. A couple of minutes later, I asked again, but still no response. I started to get a little ticked off, thinking, maybe this little bugger can't really talk, so I shouted the question again. Suddenly, the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, ""I heard you the first time, you moron, I'm putting my shoes on!""" +41894,4,Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard. +41895,6,"At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old. Unfortunately, the police found it." +41896,0,"NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang the National Anthem while simultaneously sucking him off. Phil, who is completely shocked by this discovery, asks for Joe's approval to try to hook up with Ann. Joe gives his approval. So the next day, Phil asks Ann out and she says how she's hoped that Phil would ask her out for some time now. That night, after their date, Phil and Ann go back to his place and head straight to the bedroom (I feel that I should mention that Ann is a bit easy if you know what I mean). Anyways, they start making out and then Ann starts to go down on Phil. She asks Phil to turn the light off to set the mood. He, of course, reaches over and flips the lights off. Ann then starts sucking his dick and Phil is loving it. Shortly after, Ann begins to sing the National Anthem with such a beautiful voice. Phil is practically in tears by the amazing blowjob and the beauty of her voice. Phil slowly reaches for the light switch because he really wants to know how she's doing both things simultaneously. He finally reaches the light switch. Once the lights are turned on, Ann immediately stops and runs out of the room. Phil sits up and looks down at the floor and sees a glass eye..." +41897,7,The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow... So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery. +41898,1,What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later and the other will see you in a while. +41899,0,"Why did the crew of a Southwest flight turn off the No Smoking sign? They figured that if the plane is smoking, the passengers might as well, too." +41900,0,"A depressed onion peeled itself to the end and when it found there was nothing inside it said... ""I should have cut myself when I had the chance.""" +41901,2,I made a 1$ bet with a woman... I lost now I have to pay her 72 cents +41902,3,"My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering. " +41903,0,"Abortion KID: Dad, can you tell me something about abortion? FATHER:Why dont you ask your older sister? KID: But i dont have sibblings" +41904,0,"I told my friend an oxygen joke which he didnt get at first Until he finally went ""O""" +41905,5,"Europe be like... eu: uk bro? uk: it's not eu, it's me." +41906,4,"Three Europeans went to America ...when they all get captured by native Americans who want to kill them. The Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native Americans say ""Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you."" So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs so the native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native Americans tell him the same thing. He laughs and the native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, ""I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, I'm ticklish and thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”" +41907,0,Dark humour is like cances It never gets old +41908,0,What’s brown and sticky? A sticky bomb. +41909,3,"An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, ""Man I borrow some chloroform?"" ""Knock yourself out.""" +41910,1,I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance As they are the main contributers to my health issues. +41911,8,"I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church. My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,""This is a big son of a bitch."" The priest stopped, ""Son, why such salty language?"" Wanting to save face I quickly replied, ""No, Father, that's the name of that fish. It's a Sonofabitch fish."" The priest was relieved and we began walking back to the rectory and a nun met us at the door. The priest greeted her and said, ""Check out the Sonofabitch I just caught."" The nun, shocked, exclaimed, ""Father, never in my life-"" The priest interrupted her and said, ""No, Sister, that's the name. It's a Sonofabitch fish. The nun was relieved and took the fish to be gutted. After gutting the fish, she brought it out back where the Deacon was heating up the grill. The nun said, ""Deacon, here, I gutted this Sonofabitch for you."" The Deacon, shaking his head, said, ""Sister, that language is unbecoming."" The nun replied, ""No Deacon, that's the name. It's a Sonofabitch fish."" The Deacon shrugged it off and said, ""Alright, I'll put it on the grill. The Bishop is coming over for dinner and he loves seafood."" When the Bishop arrived we all sat down at the table. The priest brings out the cooked fish and says, ""I caught this Sonofabitch myself."" ""And I gutted this Sonofabitch."" ""And I grilled this Sonofabitch."" The Bishop looked around. He took his hat off, leaned in and said, ""Now you motherfuckers are my kind of people."" Update: Thanks for the gold, fam." +41912,1,"Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them? No, I don't carrot tall." +41913,0,LPT: The best time to stand behind someone is when they are watching something that makes them think it is their imagination. +41914,7,"A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied...""Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, ""The Double Mint Twins are Coming"" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said ""Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling"", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said ""William's Big Stick Did the Trick"", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said ""Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident""..... “it was then that I.... lost it”" +41915,1,Two Native Indians in a canoe and two Dutchman in a restaurant... Who tips first? +41916,0,"What does Justin Timberlake say when he goes to the bathroom? ""It's Gonna be Pee""" +41917,0,What do you call a person who sells themselves for spaghetti? A Pasta-tute +41918,1,"Japan got Imperialist Cancer... But thank God it was an easy cure, all it took was two sessions of radiotherapy." +41919,2,what year is it? A time traveller walks up to a bar 3 months ago and says +41920,0,What did the Italian say when he tasted the cheese Itsagouda +41921,0,"I Recently Read an Article in a British News Paper. The headline said ""Pothead gave birth to giant baby; It was 2 stone-d.""" +41922,0,What's a feminist's favorite school subject? trigonometry. (trigger-ometry) +41923,2,Do you know the difference between a potty and a coffe pot? No? Don't you ever invite me for coffee! +41924,1,EA is now offering deferred-payment microtransactions... Calling them E.A.I.O.U.s +41925,1,"What do you call it when you vividly remember eating Crepes in Hanoi, like you were right back there? Vietnam Flapjacks." +41926,0,If her age is on the clock She's 12 years old or younger +41927,1,"Hey little pirate, where are your buccaneers? ""Underneath my buckin hat!""" +41928,0,Composed a mixtake with a few bars of silence in the woods. Call it a four rest fire. +41929,1,"My girlfriends are like my passwords Every time I try to have one, someone tells me ""too short""" +41930,3,Why did the slutty chicken cross the road? To get to the cock. +41931,0,What drugs do snowmen take.... ..ice +41932,0,"There's a bridge right beside our house that crosses a quarry 65ft below. There's a bridge right beside our house that crosses a quarry 65ft below. Last year between the 21st and 29th of December, 11 people committed suicide from said bridge. On average for the last 10 years there has been 9 suicides from that bridge in that week of December. The week is full of ambulances screeching, fire engines blaring and police officers calling to our door. Nothing but constant sleepless nights. I really hate Christmas Jumpers." +41933,1,It wasn't my choice to poop my pants Shit just happens +41934,1,What does a Porsche and my sex life have in common? I don't have either. +41935,0,When is the best time of day to visit the dentist? 2:30 +41936,2,"Three men are standing at the pearly gates. Jesus says, ""Congratulations, you've all made it to heaven. However, God decided to replace the stairway to heaven with a 100-mile highway. How loyal you were to your spouse in your life decides the quality of the vehicle you get."" The first man walks up to Jesus. He says, ""I was completely loyal to my spouse all my life. Never even kissed another woman."" Jesus smiles, and a brand new sparkling Ferrari appears. The man, thrilled, hops in, and starts driving to Heaven. The second man walks up to Jesus. ""I was a good husband. However, one night, I was drunk and made out with another woman. Besides that, I was always loyal."" Jesus waves his hand and a new Honda Civic appears. The man gets in and happily drives away. The third man walks up to Jesus. ""I tried to be a good husband. However, one night, we had gotten in a big fight and I had sex with another woman. I never told my wife and I always regretted it."" Jesus waves his arm, and an old, beat-up truck appears. The man isn't happy, but realizes it's fair and drives toward heaven. Later, the man is driving down the highway and passes the man with the ferrari crying on the side of the road next to his car. Suprised, the man pulls over next to him. ""Why are you crying? You have a Ferrari!"" He replies, ""I know. I just passed my wife, and she was on a scooter.""" +41937,1,"How is a great essay like a Catholic girl's skirt? A great essay should be long enough to cover all the important parts, but short enough to grab your attention" +41938,2,Cyanide must be so calorie dense One vial and you don't need to eat again for the rest of your life +41939,0,How would you describe a threesome with Dwayne Johnson? Being stuck between a rock and a hard place +41940,3,"An American, Russian and Malaysian are having a conversation The American says: ""We have the best stealth planes ever. We can fly our B-2 stealth bomber over Beijing and the Chinese will never see."" The Russian, not willing to be out done, says ""We also have good stealth planes, so stealthy like Khrushchev and very accurate. 100% not bootleg."" The Malaysian said, ""I have the best stealth plane. MH370 hasn't been found for 4 years.""" +41941,2,Devin Nunes passed a bill in the House of Representatives today. The hard part was swallowing William earlier in the day. +41942,2,"Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying ""Shhhh... Not another word."" is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so." +41943,4,I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March I was born in November +41944,0,Tell your mother to stop wearing lipstick. My dick is like a rainbow. +41945,0,Nancy Reagan didn't have to die... But she said no to drugs. +41946,2,What did the farmer do to prove he's tough? Grew a pear. +41947,0,What do you call a lemon staring at an elderly lady? Citric Flaccid +41948,6,"When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule… Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, ""Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…" +41949,2,My wife bet me $20 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta. +41950,0,A Muslim goes onto a plane ride I forgot the punchline but i'm pretty sure it ended with a bang. +41951,1,"I am finally going to be rich someday... I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes. 'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!" +41952,0,"What did the butterfly say when he failed his eye exams? ""COMPOUND IT!""" +41953,0,"Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? Someone told him, “Get along, little doggie.”" +41954,0,"Samaritans I phoned the samaritans and said ""Im at the top of Beachy head and I'm gonna toss myself off"" the woman on the other end of the line said ""what about the people below?"" I said ""don't worry love they'll probably think it's just bird shit""." +41955,3,What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre. +41956,1,"Apocalypse Apocalypse A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter. One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kinds of hand held weaponry. The settlers took him in and after a while he finally felt safe. One night, they heard loud groans start to surround the place. Zombies had broken in and after a few minutes had overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were eaten alive. Stumbling through the night, with zombies close behind in trail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with a huge arsenal of Pistols, assault rifles, military grade weapons, the lot. Carl warned them that there was a pack of zombies following him, but when they looked hundreds had gathered behind Carl and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had at them, but wave after wave of zombies ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the settlers of the shopping mall were slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who eluded death once again. He ventured into a deep dark wood, stumbling over fallen foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge wooden wall. As he got closer to the entrance, he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clucked three times and pecked on the huge wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, an old redneck farmer and his wife. “nice ta meet ya sonny”, said the farmer, “come on in ayn' have ay drink” Carl quickly warned them that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “Shouldn’t we do something? Haven’t you even got any weapons at all” Carl shouted... “Naw, we won't need em”, said the farmer “The chick’n will deal with em” said his wife, calmly. Carl was anxious, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation... The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, scratched off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them. Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, both armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?” “Well”, said the farmer, “we figured it’out a lon lon time ago. We dun' need any weapon’s at all, for the Hen is mightier than the Horde.” " +41957,0,"One day I was walking to my treestand in the dark when I heard something following me. I turned to look and there was no one there. I kept walking and I heard it again. This time I turned and saw the biggest buck I have ever seen standing 10 feet from me. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Suddenly, he charged at me antlers first. I held my bow up in front of me. He knocked it out of the way and tackled me. I was trying to get him off of me, but he just kept kicking me. I did the only thing I could think to do. I pulled his leg, and that’s what I’m doing to you. Just pulling your leg." +41958,2,Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had nobody to go with +41959,2,"Celebration Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: ""See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."" Husband says: ""Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!""" +41960,1,"I gave my girlfriend the last of my pancake today She leaned over in a whisper and said, ""Pancucked"" I honestly didn't expect it and I almost died." +41961,0,"My life is all about sex, drugs and rock'n'roll ... Why just the other day I had a wank while smoking a joint and listening to the greatest hits of Jerry Lee Lewis." +41962,1,I always wanted to be Luigi But wa is me. +41963,0,What do you call a girl's boobs if they are rough? fracture (instead of cleavage) +41964,1,A man was fired from the mint for masturbating near the coins. He said it wasn't fair; there was no common sense. +41965,2,Where does Matthew McConaughey sit politically? Alt right alt right alt right +41966,0,What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look!! I'm about to change +41967,4,"Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life *Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.* Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us. Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff. Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology they are definitely keeping secret. That's just a fact. Me: Have you read any of those stories about spontaneous combustion? Friend: Yeah! Where people just explode! For no reason! Me: Yeah there was this woman in Wisconsin. Shopping in a local supermarket. Suddenly her entire left arm catches on fire, out of nowhere. Friend: That's so crazy. Me: So obviously she's freaking out, and costumers are freaking out, somebody calls 911. But when police get there, they actually arrested the lady. Friend: Okay, now that's shady as hell. What did they arrest her for? Me: Possession of an unlicensed firearm" +41968,0,"I have no clue if there is already a joke similar to this. So two friends are debating what to eat for lunch, the first guy says Mexican, the second says Chinese. They debate for quite a while until the first says ""How about we try African food?"" The other says sure. After a few seconds the first guy asks, ""Did you like it?"" The second guy goes ""I didn't have anything,"" the first guy then says ""exactly."" I'm not sure if its structured well or if it's already been made, if you have any improvements leave them down below." +41969,5,The alt-right can't be nazis Their grammar is terrible! +41970,2,What do you call a 13 year old girl from Alabama who can outrun her whole family A virgin +41971,0,Losing my virginity was a lot like learning how to ride a bike. Mostly my dad having a firm grip on my shoulders. +41972,2,What do you call a dating app for paedophiles Kinder tinder +41973,1,What part of Northern Canada is habitable? Nunavut. +41974,0,What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash +41975,3,"There was once a rooster and a cat The cat fell into a pond and the rooster laughed at it. Moral of the story: Whenever there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock. " +41976,3,How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask him nicely. +41977,0,What's the difference between you and the baby I just murdered? You're gonna die a virgin. +41978,3,"What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog" +41979,0,"So my dog told me ""let me outside."" Which is weird because I don't have a dog." +41980,3,Why did the peanut take the almond to court It was assaulted +41981,1,"Jokes about eggs are great, but.. .. the real yolk is always in the comments." +41982,1,What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute Your job still sucks +41983,0,I make plans to run away and tell my BFF Me: I want to run away from here BFF: I am not coming with you. Me: Good. That's all I wanted to confirm. Don't want you following me everywhere. +41984,3,"Admin : Adds Erica to the group. David: Hi Erica welcome to the group. Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city. Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution. Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you. Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anything tell me, it will be arranged. George: Hi Erica my brother is in the city, any problem I will manage it for you. Erica: Thanks guys for your support. Joseph: Erica what’s your full name. Erica: Eric Andrews. Joseph left Sam left Kyle left David left George left Kevin left Admin left... Erica is admin now." +41985,0,The wife and I were discussing funeral arrangements for when the time comes.. She asked me where I’d most like to be buried. Evidently “up to my balls in your sister” was a poor choice. +41986,1,"Trex and a Raptor stargazing T-rex- hey look a shooting star, make a wish Raptor- I wish I was dead T-rex- lmao T-rex-. T-rex-.. T-rex-... T-rex- hey, that shit looks a little close doesn't it?" +41987,4,What is Kim Jong-Un’s favorite beverage size? A supreme liter. +41988,2,"A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street on a Friday afternoon When the brunette sees her boyfriend buying a dozen roses. She turns to the blonde and says, “Oh shit! That’s my boyfriend.” The blonde says, “So?” The brunette says, “So every time he buys me flowers he expects me to lie on my back with my legs in the air all weekend.” The blonde thinks about it and says, “Couldn’t you just buy a vase?”" +41989,2,"What did Tommy Wiseau say when he tried pegging for the first time? ""You're tearing me apart Lisa!""" +41990,0,"Jim and Brad are in a bar and a bald man walks in and sits down Jim says to Brad ""Hey Brad, if you slap that bald guys head I'll give you 500$"". ""Easiest 500$ I'll make"" replied Brad. So he gets up and goes to where the bald man is sitting and slaps him on the head and says ""Yo Scot what's up man? Long time no see!"". ""Yo dude I am not Scot!"" replies the bald man. ""Oh, I'm so sorry, you look just like him"" said Brad as he walked off and went back to where Jim was. ""I think you owe me 500$"" Brad told Jim. ""You are crazy dude, if you do it again I'll give you another 500$"" said Jim. ""I think you're the crazy one"" said Brad as he got up and went to where the bald man was sitting and BANG he slapped him again. ""Scot bro, you can't lie me I know it's you haha! How's Jeremy doing after that skiing accident I heard it was serious?"" ""Dude what the hell is wrong with you I have no clue who this Scot or Jeremy is and this is beginning to get annoying! Get the hell out of here"" replied the bald man angrily. So Brad went back to where Jim was and got the other 500$. As they were joking around the bald man got up and went to the bar counter to pay and leave. Jim unable to resist, says to Brad ""If you slap him one more time I'll give you 1000$"" Brads eyes lit up and without replying he got up and went to counter and he slapped the bald man harder than both other times and says to him ""Scot man, you wouldn't believe what happened, I slapped a guy two times because I thought he was you, embarrasing. So what's up man, how's Jeremy?"". tl;dr: Brad slaps bald guys head 3 times, wins 2000$." +41991,1,Did you hear why Jeff Bezos' wife is leaving him? He was caught cheating with Alexa. +41992,7,"How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump. " +41993,5,Just for shits and giggles.... I put laxatives in the pot brownies +41994,5,"Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, ""Earthling! Take me to your leader!"" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, ""Take me to your leader!"" The gas pump remained silent. Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain who wanted a report. ""I contacted an earthling - but he would not cooperate."" ""Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself,"" said the captain. ""Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."" The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. ""Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader."" The gas pump remained unresponsive. ""Very well."" The captain drew his blaster. ""If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you......One. Two. Three!"" ZZZZZT! WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over tea kettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatever's would propel him. ""Quickly! Make ready to depart!"" shouted the captain. ""Yes sir. What happened sir?"" ""I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully,"" replied the captain. ""Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."" ""How did you know that there would be trouble?"" the captain asked. ""Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around himself three times and stick it in his ear was probably going to be one mean bastard.""" +41995,0,What does the Trash Heap Pokemon serve at a dinner party? Garbhord'oeuvres +41996,0,What do you call an idiot? You +41997,2,Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop? Because he had troubleshooting issues. +41998,1,That Old Man An Old man knocked on my door and asked for the donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. +41999,1,I consider myself an eggnostic I just don't think we can know which came first... +42000,0,I read a book about extramarital affairs and spinning tops.... I guess I didn't expect so many trysts and turns. +42001,0,"No matter how you phrase it, if it has the words ""kill"" and ""president"" you're in trouble. Actually... some guys in black are walking towards me now. If they're tough, they'll slam my face on the;lksnfe;oken jnfs'eijsasah3h­h8p39iygh 20[gw4;84 wo4higw'o" +42002,3,Just found this Sub and it made my day. It was half eaten and tasted kinda funky though. +42003,2,What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickolotapuss +42004,1,Why did Alexander Fleming had to invent the penicillin? Because Alexander was phlegming! (Eh. I. tried.) +42005,3,What do you call a fake Flying Spaghetti Monster? An impasta. +42006,0,Slavery in The United States? 3/5 would not recommend. +42007,2,"Guy finds a genie. Guy tells genie his wife is a bitch. Says, 'I want to see her get fucked by the ugliest man in the world.' Genie installs a mirror in their bedroom." +42008,0,"why did the chicken cross the playground...... TO GET TO THE OVER FUCKING SLIDE, EH EH EH GEEEEEEET IT HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA *pulls the trigger" +42009,1,"Mike, an avid golfer,.. ...was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment, a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing partner looked at him and said, “Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead.” Mike replied, “Yes, we would've been married twenty-six years come tomorrow.”" +42010,0,Stoners should celebrate 4/21 as well... because they are always late for everything :) +42011,4,Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops? Because they have the right to bare arms +42012,3,My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer. +42013,2,Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple :( +42014,1,"A little kid came up to me and said... ""I have two mommies."" ""Really?"", I said. ""Your parents are lesbians?"" ""No, my mom's just a schizophrenic."" " +42015,5,I found out my buddy had an acorn fetish: It's fucking nuts. +42016,2,The orange and blue toy guns that fire foam darts are OP Pls nerf +42017,2,I'm taking a Microsoft incel class. So I can spread sheets by myself +42018,2,"A man was walking home from work.. When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him.... Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,. He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running. The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him. He gets scared and runs into his house and slams the door. He lets out a sigh of relief. But just then, with a crashing sound the casket breaks down the door. Horrified, he runs upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom. He could hear the casket coming up the stairs. Crashhh! The casket breaks down the door. It advances slowly towards him and opens its lid. He looks around for something to throw. But all he could find was his cough drops. With difficulty he throws it into the casket. The coffin stops......" +42019,0,What do you call an Eskimo’s nipple... Esskeetit +42020,3,"A cardiologist in a small town died He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. The doctor wanted to be cremated so there were a big red heart in one of the walls that open in half revealing a cremation oven behind and the casket was slowly entered into the oven through the open heart. It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a man in the front row who couldn't stop laughing. After the ceremony, he apologized, wiping his eyes, ""I'm so sorry, it's just, I've been imagining my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist.""" +42021,0,What's Corny? Corn +42022,1,"[Long] Foolproof way to stop kids from smoking pot. Tommy, Jim and Phillip all get caught smoking weed. They get offered a choice, either educate high school kids about the harmful effects of smoking weed or go to jail. In order to fulfill this promise they have to get at least 10 signed statements from kids at the schools they are assigned to that they will never smoke pot. To help them they are handed some visual aids. One of them is a set of cards, one of the cards has a little o on it, the other has a big O on it. Tommy picks up the cards, says ""Thanks, i got this"" and heads out to his assigned school. The councilor tries to tell him that there is more but he jets out the door before he could stop him. The councilor shrugs and writes Timmy off as a lost cause and tells Jim and Phillip the foolproof ways to get kids to stop smoking pot by using the two cards with the method he has designed himself. He then sends them out to their schools. The next day Tommy, Jim and Phillip are all waiting with signed documents for the councilor. The councilor sits them down and asks each one of them how many signatures they got and the method they used. Jim Pipes up First: Jim ""I was able to get 12 signatures in two hours at the school, the method I used was by telling kids that this card ""O"" represents your brain. And this card ""o"" represents your brain after smoking pot. "" Councilor: ""That's great Jim! And how many did you get Fillip? Phillip: ""I was able to get 16! I told kids that this card ""O"" represents how much money you have before you start smoking weed and this card ""o"" represents how much after. Councilor ""Thats great Phillip!"" The Councilor then looks at Tommy with a smug expression ""And how many did You get Tommy?"" Tommy: ""37, in half an hour"" Councilor: ""What?? How did you do that???"" Tommy: ""It was easy, I told kids this card ""o"" is your asshole before prison, and this card ""O"" is your asshole after. " +42023,3,"What does spinach and a cock have in common? If you are forced to eat it as a kid, you are probably gonna hate it as an adult." +42024,3,"A store selling 'New Husbands' A shop selling new husbands has been opened. There women can go to find a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance are the following: You can only visit this store ONCE! It is six floors and the value of the products increases as you come up the floors. You can choose a product on one floor or you can choose to go up one floor. But you can't walk down a floor, except to leave the store. A woman enters the Husband's Shop to find herself a husband. On the first floor there is a sign on the door that says: ​ First Floor - These men have permanent jobs. She is interested, but continues to the second floor where it says: ​ Second Floor - These men have a permanent job and love children. ""It's fine"" she thinks, ""but I want more"". ​ So she continues upwards. On the third floor it says on the sign: Third Floor - These men have a permanent job, love children, and look extremely good. ""Shit,"" she thinks, but feels like she has to move on. ​ She goes to the fourth floor and the sign says: Fourth Floor - These men have a permanent job, love children, look insanely good and help with the housework. ""Oh, God help me!"" she says, ""I can't stand it!"" But she still goes up another floor and the sign says: ​ Fifth Floor - These men have a permanent job, love children, look insanely good, help with the housework and are very romantic. She is so tempted, but goes up to the sixth floor, where it says following on the sign: ​ 6th floor - You are visitor number 31.456.012 on this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only as evidence that it is impossible to satisfy women. Thank you for visiting Husband's Store ​ To avoid being accused of gender discrimination, the shop owner has opened a ""New Wife Shop"" just opposite. ​ The first floor has wives who love sex. ​ The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer ​ The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never had visitors." +42025,2,I'll never forget what my grandfather said right before he died Are you still holding the fucking ladder +42026,2,Never invest in Velcro It’s a rip-off +42027,3,"A charity checks its records, and realises that a successful lawyer has not made any donations. So, a representative from the charity posts the lawyer a visit. ""Our records show you haven't made any donations to us."" The lawyer replies, ""Did your records show that my mother is ill with massive medical bills, my sister was left pennies with four children when her husband suddenly died, and my brother is disabled with no money to pay for equipment or care?"" The man apologises profusely. He is about to leave the lawyer, when the lawyer adds, ""If I don't give them any money, why should I give anything to you?""" +42028,0,"What's the most famous line from a farmers' romance movie? ""He had me at hay.""" +42029,1,"Kitty-Cat A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ""Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"" she says. A little girl raises her hand. ""I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"" she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ""Well"", she began, ""I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"" ""That must've been scary,"" said the teacher. ""It sure was,"" said the little girl. ""My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' and before he could say 'Fuck!', the Rottweiler ate him!""" +42030,1,"Politics is like Italian food. You get the same pasta, but with a different sauce." +42031,3,"Ghandi was a what? So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis. First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough. Secondly his diet was completely void of calcium sources which led to osteoporosis. He was also a very spiritual man., and some might say he had supernatural powers. Lastly, and probably the least known trivia about him was he abhorred brushing his teeth. When his attending physician was asked for a summary of his health, the answer was none too obvious. —- “He’s a super calloused fragile mystic with nasty halitosis.” " +42032,2,Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller. +42033,3,When god was handing out brains i thought he said trains... And asked for a slow one. -my grandma +42034,1,My beard is at its optimal length. If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy. +42035,1,What do u call someone who takes credit for your work? Santa Claus. +42036,4,"This is kind of a dad joke but I was driving with my dad and we passed a cemetery. My dad said in a low and dark voice,” I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? And he said” The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” And I was really confused so I was like why? And he said cuz they’re still alive." +42037,3,"New Year’s Eve On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bartender was almost crushed to death." +42038,1,I was going to give Trump a nasty look... Then i realised he already had one. +42039,2,"A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana... Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as ""1/2"". Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death. The doctor responds ""Juan over-dos"". " +42040,2,"A fun joke to say when you're drunk [Long, but worth it. Especially when everyone's drunk] There's a fly sitting about a foot above a river. Now there's a salmon in the river looking up at the fly thinking ""you know, if that fly drops down six inches, I could jump up and snatch it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."" Now there's a bear behind a bush, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking ""you know, if that fly drops down six inches, that salmon will jump up to snatch it, and then I can lurch out to grab it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."" Now there's a hunter in a tree, who's looking at the bear, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking ""you know, if that fly drops down six inches, the salmon will jump up to snatch it, the bear will lurch out to grab it, then I'll have a better shot and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."" Now there's a mouse at the bottom of the tree, who's looking at the hunter (who's eating a cheese sandwich), who's looking at the bear, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking ""you know, if that fly drops down six inches, the salmon will jump up to snatch it, the bear will lurch out to grab it, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich to take his shot and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."" Now there's a cat in a bush who's looking at the mouse, who's looking at the hunter, who's looking at the bear, who's looking at the salmon, who's looking at the fly, and he's thinking ""you know, if that fly drops down six inches, the salmon will jump up to snatch it, the bear will lurch out to grab it, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich to take his shot, the mouse will scurry over to eat it, then I can pounce on the mouse, and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight."" So, the fly drops down six inches, the salmon jumps up to snatch it, the bear lurches out to grab it, the hunter drops his cheese sandwich and takes his shot, the mouse scurries over to eat the cheese, the cat pounces, but he misses and lands in the river! Moral of the story: That fly drops down six inches and you've got a wet pussy." +42041,5,How do you catch a slutty bee? With a hornet. +42042,0,"As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway... ...his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ""Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"" ""Hell,"" said Herman, ""It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!""" +42043,3,"If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?" +42044,0,"High IQ only Someone's mother had 4 sons ,3 of them named North, West, South. What is the name of the 4th son. Comment the names of all four sons. The correct guesser will have a chance to buy Red Dead Redemption 2 The correct name is 4 the son is "" What "" , as you can see the statement is not a question." +42045,0,"What do Japanese Kids, Chinese Democracy and German Humor have in common? All are equally oxymoronic." +42046,0,Why are fat people always horny? Because they can't reach there junk. +42047,4,I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs! +42048,0,Did Jesus have a big dick? I heard he was hung on the cross +42049,2,Why is it so hard to read inscriptions in tombs? Because it’s very cryptic +42050,0,"Student asks teacher how he feels about the new year starting tomorrow. Teacher shrugs his shoulders and says, ""S'cool.""" +42051,1,"So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him. He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line." +42052,2,Where can you find the Titanic? TL;DR at the bottom +42053,1,How do you call Samsung store's security? The Guardians of the Galaxy +42054,6,My 5 y/o cousins joke :) Him:Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Him: To get to the stupid persons house. Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin* Him: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Him: It's the chicken! I fell right into the little tackers trap! +42055,2,Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cabinet +42056,4,"Alerts to Threats in Europe The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level. A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”." +42057,2,"King Arthur returns home after a long battle and begins to suspect Gwendolyn has been unfaithful. He orders his most trusted advisor, The Count, to see him. King: Count, I want you to tell me if my wife has been faithful. Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy. King: What?! You swore an oath to me! Now tell me what has my wife been up to? Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy. King: Guards take him away and lock him up! The king locks the Count in a cell for three days without any food. King: Now, Count, tell me, has my wife been faithful. Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy. King: If you don't tell me I will have you killed! Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy. King: Fine, get the executioner! The axe man arrives and the Count's head is placed on the chopping block. King: One last chance before you die. What happened? But again, the count says ""I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy."" King: So be it. Kill him. The hooded man picks up the axe and just as he starts to swing down on the most viscous blow the Count screams ""Wait! Wait! Wait!"" But it was too late. His head was sliced clean of. The moral of the story is: don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken." +42058,1,When is the Jewish Thanksgiving? When Palestine gets taken over. +42059,4,"Mummy, can I lick the bowl? ""No Samantha you can flush like everyone else does""" +42060,0,"A tourist drives by the fabulous Las Vegas sign... and manages to miss it entirely. Looking back, he reads:   ""Drive carefully! Come back soon.""   He finds himself thrown forward in his car as he rear-ended the taxi driving in front of him." +42061,0,I saw a lady at Walmart with her March Madness teeth... She was down to her final four. +42062,0,"Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those “men” already have boyfriends." +42063,0,Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees? The Germans like to park their tanks in the shade. +42064,1,Three things I hate * Jokes * Lists * Irony * People who can't count +42065,4,How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek? Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME +42066,3,"I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened.. I slept funny." +42067,0,What director to Mens Rights Activists love? M'Knight Shamylan +42068,9,Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds... +42069,0,I had a lot of Vietnamese soup last night You might say I was pho-filled +42070,0,She: I was born cute and rich. What about you? Me: Naked. +42071,0,Why is Donald Trump such a surprise? People did Nazi him coming. +42072,4,A Spine surgeon's to-do list 1) Get back to work! +42073,0,"Yo girl, I'm a meteorologist and... I predict around 8 inches tonight." +42074,1,My brother's guitar sound-correction service has a slightly flawed business model But that's okay. It just needs a little fine tuning. +42075,3,What's my favorite machine at the gym? The snack machine. +42076,3,The Truth About Nutrition Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. +42077,4,"Merlot. Heard this one a while back, haven't seen it on Reddit yet so here it is. Long. A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said. ""The gentleman seated over there....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head wants you to have this wine. She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, she decided to send a reply by note. The waiter who was standing nearby took the note to the gentleman. The note read, "" for me to accept this bottle of wine you'd have to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in your bank account and 7 inches in your pants"". After reading the note the man decided to send a reply. It read,""just to let you know, I have a Farrari Maranello, a BMW Z8 an Audi 8L, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages"". I have a beautiful villa in the Virgin Islands, a beautiful home in Miami and a winter home in Aspen and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. And over 20 million dollars in my bank account. But not even for a beautiful woman as yourself would I cut off 2 inches. Just send the wine back!!!! " +42078,1,What is an euphemism for FakeTaxi? Screwdriver +42079,2,"My sister once told me I was her incest brother She's really sweet, despite her dyslexia." +42080,0,Why don't Mexicans play sports? Because they're afraid of deportes! +42081,0,When a cop tries to arrest you U pull out a uno reverse card Then you arrest the police +42082,2,Why can't you scare a chemist? ...because they always lack the element of surprise... +42083,0,How do you cure constipated..... How do you cure constipated flyers at the airport? Shout Allah u Akbar (edited) +42084,9,My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return. +42085,2,What has four legs and flies? A dead dog. +42086,2,"Man, black Jews must've had it rough... They had to sit in the back of the gas chamber. (I'm so sorry)" +42087,0,My call to the Suicide Hotline was routed to a call center in Pakistan... Guy asked me if I could drive a stick shift. +42088,2,It's a shame Congressman Cummings has died.... I guess he's Congressman Goings now This way out? Thanks.... +42089,0,What kind of joke has no punchline? An Antijoke. +42090,1,"If you're feeling down today.... Just know that earlier I took a two hour course online about why you should NEVER leave your Common Access Card unattended, And then accidentally left it in the computer after I was done." +42091,4,Shooting guns is a stupid hobby. Its much easier and more cost efficient to shoot targets! +42092,2,What do elephants wear on their legs? Elepants +42093,2,"Tyrion Lannister walks into a bar with an ass and a honey comb He sits down on the bar and the bartender asks him whats up. ""My wife found a genie in a bottle and he gave her 3 wishes. Her first wish was a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb. Her second wish was to get a nice ass, hence the ass..."" ""And what about the third wish?"" ""She wished my dick reached down to my knees"" ""And how is that bad?"" ""I used to be 6 foot tall""" +42094,3,"Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation. “Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation. Favourite amongst his subjects was the court painter of whom he was very proud. Everybody agreed this wizzened old man pianted the greatest pictures in the whole kingdom and the king would spend hours each day gazing at them in wonder. However, one day a dirty and dishevelled stranger presented himself at the court claiming that in fact he was the greatest painter in the land. The indignant king decreed a competition would be held between the two artists, confident it would teach the vagabond an embarrassing lesson. Within a month they were both to produce a masterpiece that would out do the other. After thirty days of working feverishly day and night, both artists were ready. They placed their paintings, each hidden by a cloth, on easels in the great hall of the castle. As a large crowd gathered, the king ordered the cloth be pulled first from the court artist’s easel. Everyone gasped as before them was revealed a wonderful oil painting of a table set with a feast. At its centre was an ornate bowl full of exotic fruits glistening moistly in the dawn light. As the crowd gazed admiringly, a sparrow perched high up on the rafters of the hall swooped down and hungrily tried to snatch one of the grapes from the painted bowl only to hit the canvas and fall down dead with shock at the feet of the king. ’Aha!’ exclaimed the king. ’My artist has produced a painting so wonderful it has fooled nature herself, surely you must agree that he is the greatest painter who ever lived!’ But the vagabond said nothing and stared solemnly at his feet. ’Now, pull the blanket from your painting and let us see what you have for us,’ cried the king. But the tramp remained motionless and said nothing. Growing impatient, the king stepped forward and reached out to grab the blanket only to freeze in horror at the last moment. ’You see,’ said the tramp quietly, ’there is no blanket covering the painting. This is actually just a painting of a cloth covering a painting. And whereas your famous artist is content to fool nature, I’ve made the king of the whole country look like a clueless little twat.”" +42095,1,Guy went to the doctor He asked the doctor what would be the best thing for his insomnia. The doctor said 'a good nights sleep.' +42096,5,"What does ""paralympics"" stands for? It doesn't. " +42097,0,Who's Mexico's best rapper? 9.36 peso. +42098,0,"I want to start my own business... I want to have a payday loan office inside of a strip club. You could call it ""Rapid Regret"". The slogan could be: ""It's the only way you'll get fucked in a strip club""" +42099,2,I used to laugh at puberty Then it hit me... +42100,1,"Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers? It's called ""Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith.""" +42101,0,"There was a kingdom.... Which was called r/jokes. One day king organizes a huge party, so his daughter can get a husband. Once the party started, king shouted ""WHERES THE PRINCE REPOST?"". Suddenlly, everyone shouted ""ME""" +42102,1,"A man walks into a bar and sees a family of horses. note: this is pretty bad imo, I just came up with this on the spot one day and it was clever. A man walks into a bar. He looks to his left and sees a family of horses. He walks over to the mother. ""That's a beautiful baby you have,"" he says. ""Thank you,"" the mother replies. ""Can I pet it?"" The mother says yes and the man bends down and begins to stroke the baby's mane. ""Her mane is soft,"" The man says in a rough and scratchy voice. ""I'm sorry, what?"" The mother asks. ""I could not hear you."" Simotaneously, the man's friend walks over. ""What are you doing?"" THe man replies: ""I'm feeling a little hoarse/horse."" GET IT BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS HOARSE AND HE WAS FEELING THE LITTLE HORSEY HORSE" +42103,1,No matter how many times you go there... You'll always be able to count the number of times you've visited Chernobyl on one hand +42104,1,All gamers are bilingual... They speak both English and Profanity. +42105,1,"[NSFW] Guy walks in to a bar and orders a rum and coke Bartender puts an apple down on the counter. The guy is confuaed but the bartender says ""take a bite"". Guy takes a bite and says ""my God, it takes just like rum!"" Bartender nods and says ""turn it over"". Guy takes a bite of the other side and says ""oh my god, it tastes just like coke!"" Second guy walks in and the first guy tells him all about the apple. Second guy, skeptical, orders a gin and tonic. Bartender hands him an apple. Second guy takes a bite and says ""it tastes just like gin!"" Bartender nods and says ""turn it around"", so he does and takes a bite, and he exclaims ""it tastes just like tonic!"". Third guy comes in and the first two tell him about the apple. The bartender asks him what he would like and he says ""pussy"" without even thinking. Bartender hands him an apple. Third guy takes a bite and says ""aw what the hell dude! This tastes like ass!"" Bartender says ""turn it around"". " +42106,1,"I was at the Post Office.... When I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope. I asked, ""what are you doing ??"" The blonde replied, ""Sending a voice mail"".... " +42107,2,What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s? A Walk to Remember? +42108,0,My wife said she'd like to have another baby... ...so I passed her the plate of them. +42109,0,Why are all Italians still in school? Because they never pasta test. +42110,1,Things always seem to sound better in alphabetical order... Don’t so think you? +42111,4,"After 10 years... After 10 years, a mother realizes her kid looks a little funny and gets a DNA test done. Surprise, it's not her child! She tells the husband, who calmly replies, ""What, you don't remember?"" The wife shakes her head worriedly, hoping her husband's answer will fill in the gap. He says to her: ""When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped in the diaper. You told me to change it, so I went back inside, grabbed a clean baby, and left the dirty one there.""" +42112,2,"Batman and robin got in the batmobile, but it doesn’t start. Robin says, check the ""battery"" Batman says, ""what’s a tery?""" +42113,3,I wrote a book about poltergeists It's flying off the shelves. +42114,3,"A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish. The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?” “Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.” “Pet fish!?!?” “Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.” “What a line of baloney…you’re under arrest.” The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!” “WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!” The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?” “Well, WHUT?” said the redneck. The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?” “Call who back?” “The FISH,” replied the warden! “Whut fish?” asked the redneck." +42115,2,My daughter used to be scared of her anti-depressant medication. But now look at her - she takes it like a Lexapro. +42116,0,"The famed pianist Lang Lang, after retiring, decided to try other hobbies. First, he thought, his hands are very deft and coordinated, surely sculpting was up his alley. However, he found it quite difficult, since playing the piano did not equate to sculpting. But he did not give up. He then tried writing -- after all, his typing speed ought to be immense and immeasurably godly compared to most other people. However, writing had the problem of needing to come up with stories and ideas. He was used more to following sheet music and maybe a little improvisation, but he was surely no Beethoven when it came to composing, and even less when it came to coming out with a novel. He then thought, what if I try a different, more rigid type of typing -- yes, coding. You had to mathematically and logically solve a problem. Even if he would be on his own, he could surely do it, as he was very skilled at mathematics as well. So he tried out basic exercises and was able to handle them. But as he moved on to more creative prompts and open-ended ideas, he was stumped, as before. He was exasperated at this point, but he remembered that when he was very young, he was quite decent at telling jokes to his family. Perhaps he should try out comedy. So he went up as a stand-up comedian and with the combination of his fame, people roared with applause. However, he couldn't help but feel as if people were praising him due to his previous achievements. In addition, he was mostly just reciting other people's stand-up attempts too, rather than coming up with something creative. He sat down and thought quite hard, and remembered genuinely humorous stories that occurred to him many years before he officially grew to worldwide stardom. So he traveled far and wide to a very rural location with few connections and isolated from famous people, even ones as well-known as him. He told his usual jokes, but it didn't seem to touch them as they did with the other people. He spent quite some time elaborating them, but he got nothing more than a few awkward coughs. He was quite confused. As a surprise, one audience member met him afterwards, revealing him to be his friend who had followed him throughout his journey. ""Ah, don't worry, man, "" he said, ""They couldn't have sympathized with you and laughed along, since they don't know the whole life. Here, you have to do better than merely Lang Lang jokes.""" +42117,1,Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot They had to install a heat censor +42118,1,What do you call a timid Canadian shellfish? A cool clux clam. +42119,3,I got this German girls phone number She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it: 999 999 99 99 (Possible OC) +42120,4,"A cowboy, bored with his life, decides to head east... He embarks by train from California, hoping to seek a new job and new adventures. Somewhere in Arizona, the train slows down at a small station and passengers stream on and off. Looking through a window, the cowboy sees an old Native American man wearing what looks like the garb of a powerful Indian chief, sitting on the platform. He stares at the old Indian until a man next to him on the train leans over and whispers, ""That old wiseman has the best memory in the world. He remembers Everything that has ever happened to him, from the day he was born! You can ask him Anything that has ever happened to him, and he'll be able to answer you correctly."" Amazed and curious, the cowboy jumps off the train and runs over to the Indian. ""Are you the guy who remembers everything?"" the cowboy asks. The Indian nods silently. The cowboy starts trying to think of a good question to ask the Indian.. but the train conductor begins calling All Aboard, and the train begins to chug. ""Uhh... ahhh...."" the cowboy frantically searches for something, Anything to ask the Indian.. the train begins to roll slowly forward... the cowboy panics! ""Ah... what did you have for breakfast?!"" ""Eggs,"" the Indian replies. Cursing his lack of creativity, the cowboy sprints back onto the train. As it pulls away from the station, he grumbles to himself about how weak of a question he had chosen, and what an opportunity he had lost. He fixates on his failure, and cannot find fulfillment in any job in any town all across the country.. all he cares about is finding that Indian again, and redeeming himself. He begins searching across the nation, seeking out gatherings of Indians, wandering from tribe to tribe looking for clues to the old chief's whereabouts. Over time, he learns many Native American languages and becomes familiar with the customs and stories of many of the different groups.. but still he cannot find the chief. He continues searching for years, until years turn into decades, and eventually he, too, is an old man. Sighing in resignation one day, he wearily boards a train headed west, back to California; if he must die unfulfilled, at least he can die where he was born. And, of course, You, dear reader, know where this is going.. because of how much the universe loves a good narrative, the train pulls into another nondescript little station somewhere in Arizona... and there, on the platform, looking almost the same way he did on that fateful afternoon so many years ago, sits the chief. Tears in his eyes, the old cowboy hobbles off the train and approaches the ancient wiseman with all the respect and deference he had learned from his time among the tribes. Preparing to redeem himself with a new and better conversation, the cowboy raises his hand solemnly and greets the chief: ""How!"" The chief nods, and says, ""Scrambled.""" +42121,10,"At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money. At age 50, success is having money. At age 60, success is having sex. At age 70, success is having a driver's license. At age 75, success is having friends. At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants. " +42122,1,Did you hear about the baseball player who was in that terrible wreck? It was a hit and run. +42123,0,Why will Trump beat the Democrats in 2020? Because the Democrats only care about stopping babies in the womb. +42124,0,Why isn't there an iPhone 9? Because ~~seven eight nine~~ 9 is a stupid number and should not exist +42125,0,Want to hear a joke? Donald Trump. Oh wait it's not funny anymore. +42126,1,Life is tiring being a child proctologist You're always feeling a little behind +42127,0,April 20th Got accepted into an apartment today and gave them the holding fee... guess you could say 4\\20 is the day it was written in stoned +42128,3,"I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals I M LIVID" +42129,0,What did the mexican say when the house fell on him Get off me holmes.. +42130,0,Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word. +42131,3,What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. +42132,1,"Little Johnny was comparing the kids in his science class to the subatomic particles of an atom... Little Johnny thought Maria was like a proton because she is always positive and happy. Little Johnny thought David was like an electron because he is always negative and pessimistic. Little Johnny saw George as a neutron because George doesn’t really care about anything. And finally, he saw Taylor as a moron because she is a fucking idiot!" +42133,1,"What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Robin, get in the Batmobile." +42134,4,Teachers didn't have sex with students when I went to school There were principles for that. +42135,4,My Ex told me she had a stalker I was watching her house in the bushes and haven't found the bastard +42136,3,"What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!" +42137,1,Why do people say chicken is tasteless? Every time my wife cooks some it tastes like shit. +42138,7,"I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone ""Are you ok?"" I asked her. ""Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"" ""No"" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage" +42139,4,"When he was president, George W. Bush decided to visit a school... ...so the kids could ask him questions. 'Mr. President, my name is Bob and I'd like to ask three questions,' says the first kid. 'Alright, ask away,' says Bush. 'My first question: why do you label everything as ""terrorism""? My second question is: why do you always say we have the moral high ground when we were the ones who dropped two atomic bombs? And finally: how come you only became president after they counted the votes again?' Bush just stands there for a second, but fortunately the bell rings. After the break, the class returns. Another kid stands up and says: 'Mr. President, I'd like to ask five questions.' 'Okay,' says Bush. 'The first three are the same as Bob's. The fourth is: why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier than usual? And finally: where the hell is Bob?'" +42140,0,What’s the last thing you want to see when you’re shagging the wife? The husband. +42141,5,"Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater." +42142,1,"Did you guys hear about that sleepy motorcyle that fell over? It tried to stay standing, but it was just two-tired." +42143,1,"Pillow cases are just tiny duvets! Wake up sheeple, you're living with a pillow sham!" +42144,3,He: I have a foot fetish... She: An uncontrollable desire to return to the imperial measurement system?? +42145,1,Behind Every Successful Man There Is A surprised mother-in-law +42146,2,"Ever get caught staring at a wall? You know what i mean, you're walking down the street, just looking for something to do, and you come across that one brick house that looks beat down. You think to yourself ""Hey, I bet one of those bricks will fall today"", and you go up to it, and begin grilling down on it, trying to guess exactly which brick will fall. And then you hear it, the sound of 2 unstable bricks scratching each other, and you have a long discussion to yourself which will fall first. Like, you see that one brick tilting more downwards than the other, but then again the other is shaking slightly. Finally, you make a decision, and try to force that brick to fall with your mind, or you just blow on it, hoping you will win. ""C'mon son, I know you can do it, just fall and beat your rival, Adam!"" And when Adam falls down, you switch sides automatically. Bashing down on your son, ""You are a disappointment to me Ryan, why couldn't you just fall down and beat Adam. Look at him, he's a natural at this. I have disowned you, and you mean nothing to me"". Then you hear a slight whistle above you, and look up to see whats going on. Oh look, a brick in the air, just sitting there. Wait a minute, why is it growing? ""Adam, are you coming to embrace your parent? You are the best brick I have ever seen, Adam, give me a hug."" And then you come back to your senses and wonder why exactly that brick is growing by the second? Could it be that Adam is really coming to embrace you, or does he just need to stop eating mortar? You think over it for a few seconds, trying to find a logical solution to this magic. And then it hits you. " +42147,7,"A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband. ""Does he hit you?"" she asked. ""No Ma."" ""Is he cheating on you?"" ""No Ma."" ""Did he lose his money?"" ""No Ma."" ""You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"" ""It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."" ""And what's so bad about that?"" ""It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."" ""It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents.""" +42148,2,"A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: ""When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read ""Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins"", then she moved under one that read ""Sloans Liniments remove Swelling"". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read ""William Stick Did The Trick"". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read ""Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."" He won the case." +42149,1,Did you hear about the popular underwear campaign? It was briefly successful +42150,0,[NFSW] Sex is often a topic used in comedy as a way of making people laugh. Just like my wife did when I asked her for some +42151,3,"A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel. As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, ""I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"". The clerk replies in disgust, ""It's just regular porn, you sick f**k""." +42152,5,"A guy walks into a pharmacy... A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, ""Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent."" The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, ""Viagra Extra Strength,"" and says, ""here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!"" The guy responds, ""Great! Gimme three boxes!"" The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member. The man says, ""I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream."" The pharmacist replies, ""Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT are you?"" ""Nope, it's for my arms ... the girls didn't show up.""" +42153,6,"A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say- -A E I O U" +42154,0,Everything's ok with Muhammad. Aisha was only his goat. +42155,6,"How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!" +42156,5,I went cow tipping in a marijuana field The steaks were high +42157,1,"Protests on TV are demanding diversity, same sex relationships, gender free norms, free healthcare, cultural enrichment, free education, drugs, income equality - I found the perfect place that has all this for them. Prison." +42158,0,If a tree falls in a boreal forest and no one is around... ...could you hear a pine drop? +42159,1,3 Germans walk into a BAR in 1943 None of them survive. +42160,1,I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today... He’d probably be the oldest person alive. +42161,1,"Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover ...and with each jump he calls out ""21! 21! 21!"" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, ""It's 22, you know. The next number...?"" Manhole guy ""21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"" Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. ""Why are you even doing that...?"" Manhole guy: ""21! 21! Because it's fun! 21! 21! 21! Plus, it keeps me in shape! 21! 21!"" Sidewalk guy: ""Dafuq kinda workout even IS this??"" Manhole guy ""21! 21! It's fuckin' legit, is what it is-- gets me laid HARD! 21! 21!"" Sidewalk guy: ""Really. Huh. Hey, move over a sec, lemme get at it buddy!"" Manhole guy: She's all yours!"" Sidewalk guy steps on and starts to jump: ""21! 21! 21! Hey, this IS fun! I can see-- Manhole guy pulls off the cover, sidewalk guy falls inside, manhole guy replaces it and jumps back on: ""22! 22! 22!""" +42162,2,I only date people who love horses They tend to be a more stable relationship +42163,9,"A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.” The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered “Too bad you had me neutered.” " +42164,3,"Doctor, I've severed my penis off; can you reattach it? Doctor: I can't help you with that, young man. Man: What! Why not? Doctor: I don't re-member." +42165,2,What is the requirement to start a pet food business? A pet-degree. +42166,3,What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple only comes on your face after puberty. +42167,2,"What did the overly forward CRISPR/Cas9 say to the attractive strand of DNA? ""Hey girl. I can't wait to get into your genes.""" +42168,1,I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor He was condescending. +42169,1,"An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller. The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds. The fortune teller says, ""Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."" The old man says, ""What did she say?"" The old woman says, ""NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!"" The old man is very excited and tells her to continue. The fortune teller says, ""In two weeks, you will double your winnings with a smart investment."" The old man says, ""What did she say?"" The old woman says, ""IN TWO WEEKS! YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCKS!"" The old man is even more excited and tells her to continue. ""By this time next month, your wife will be more content than she has ever been."" The old man says, ""What did she say?"" The old woman says, ""NEXT MONTH! YOU'LL BE DEAD!""" +42170,2,I am annoyed that my wife came up with a girls name for my penis I don't even know who Ana Conda is! +42171,0,Time flies like an arrow.... But fruit flies like a banana... +42172,4,"Another version of that Ireland joke This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy. He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him. His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. ""Look Mom, I'm white!"" he said. His mom slapped him across the cheek. ""I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."" Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said ""Hey look Dad... I'm white!"" When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said ""Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said. So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. ""Hey Grandma look, I'm white..."" ...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating. They all stood around him and asked him ""Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?"" The kid just looked up at them and said ""...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"" " +42173,2,What is it called when you drop a carton of eggs and break all of them? An eggistential crisis. +42174,0,"I'm voting for a third party! Bill, your birthday was two days ago. Even the second party yesterday was a stretch. We're not doing this again. " +42175,0,"I hate it when people ask me what’s my plan for the next year. Come on guys, I don’t have 2020 vision." +42176,2,Why are the midgets at gay orgies so arrogant? Because they all get a little cocky +42177,1,"Who came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. The rooster. " +42178,0,What did one gay radish say to another gay radish before a night on the town? Let's go get our Daikon! +42179,1,"So Amy Schumer claims that a big time producer, sexually harassed her by asking her for a blow job. Turns out, he was just telling her she sucks." +42180,1,"13 reasons why Hannah: Can I have your wifi password? Random person: Nah, sorry connection is shit as it is. Hannah: Welcome to your tape. " +42181,1,If you are what you read.... You are a stupid joke now. +42182,2,What do beauty therapists say when they’re finished with a manicure? Nailed it! +42183,2,"Boy: Mum, am I ugly? Mum: I told you not to call me mum in public!" +42184,2,I broke my finger the other week. On the other hand i'm okay. +42185,3,"A woman makes a complaint at a police station ""Help help officer. I've just been molested by a contractor"" ""How do you know he's a contractor?"" replies the officer ""Well I had to do 70% of the work myself""" +42186,4,What’s the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re a teenager. +42187,1,I know this guy who claims to be a self Cannibal He's so full of himself +42188,1,"I want to make a music playlist titled: ""Sausages"" Cause every song on it is a banger" +42189,0,A can of petrol falls on a man's head Fortunately it was high octane. There was an anti knocking effect. +42190,4,"I went to the doctor the other day... ...and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, ""Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."" I said, ""I think my penis tastes funny.""" +42191,0,What's ET Short for? Because he has little legs. +42192,0,My girlfriend threatened to leave me so tonight I'm tying the knot and kicking the chair. +42193,1,"A horse walks into a bar... Bartender says ""Why such a long face?"" Horse replies ""I just found out I have AIDS""" +42194,1,How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it +42195,5,"A sad story For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job. I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.” The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fuckin’ bike.” " +42196,2,What did everyone think about the mobster's funeral? It was a hit. +42197,2,"My wife always says I am bullying on of our children I don't know which one she means... John, Maria or the fat ugly one?" +42198,0,Did you hear about the guy who got stood up for his Halloween date? She ghosted him. +42199,0,Why did the gay person get pulled over Cause he couldn't drive straight +42200,0,"Remember the one about John Bobbitt? Sorry, that joke went off half cocked. " +42201,5,"A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak........ A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”" +42202,4,"GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9! GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk ANGEL: 10 lol GOD: 15!! ANGEL \\*mouthful of pizza\\* 25 GOD: 30!! CENTIPEDE: \\*tearing up\\* stop giving me legs, I look stupid GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL ANGEL: LMAO" +42203,4,Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in the middle east? Because there's a Target on every corner +42204,2,"Logic. In class I learned: Nothing is better than ice cream to eat on a hot summers day. I also learned that if stranded on a desert island and you have crackers then at least they're better than nothing. My professor then pointed out that crackers are better than ice cream and he logically proved it by stating that we had agreed nothing was better than ice cream and crackers were better than nothing. If I can't make it with good jokes, this is what you get." +42205,7,Jokes on reddit are like US presidents. You might see a new one every four years or so. +42206,3,"John (while writing Revelations): ""So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"" God: ""No... I said Trump/Pence."" John: Yeah, trumpets. God: ""Never mind. They'll know."" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^^copied." +42207,9,"My wife just called me and said, ""Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"" I replied, ""That's probably why they got flowers then...""" +42208,0,"Seven indicators that you've chosen the wrong airline. 1. Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear. 2. Upon closer inspection, trendy desert-pastel paint job turns out to be primer yellow and Bondo pink. 3. Man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turns out to be the pilot. 4. Voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside the aircraft while it is in motion. 5. Just before takeoff, the flight attendant offers coffee, tea, or Valium. 6. Air sickness bags are printed with the Lord's Prayer. 7. Pilot asks if anyone on board has jumper cables with them." +42209,0,All aboard the sexual assault train! 1st stop: suppression +42210,3,"Little Johnny's Thanksgiving It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room, ""These Bitches and Bastards!"", Johnny ran out and asked, ""Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"" ""Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."" So Johnny went back to his room and played with his LEGO's until it was about bedtime. From across the house he heard his mother yell, ""Put your penis in my vagina!"" Johnny walked into his parents' room, ""mommy? What is a penis and vagina?"" ""Oh Johnny that's just a kind way to say coats and hats!"" The morning of thanksgiving, Johnny walked into the kitchen and heard his mom yell ""Fuck!"", ""Mommy what's fuck mean?"" ""That just means I'm cutting the turkey."" She replied. ""Shit!"" Johnny rushed to the bathroom, ""Daddy what does shit mean?"" ""Oh that's just a new shaving cream I'm using!"" So later that day, the guests finally arrive and Little Johnny answers the door, ""Hello bitches and bastards, can I take your penises and vaginas and hang them on the coat rack?"" An elderly man leans down, ""Young man where are your parents?!"" ""Well my mom just got done fucking the turkey and my dads wiping the shit off his face."" Not sure if this was posted before, but it was my childhood goto joke because I thought it was hilarious. " +42211,1,Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal? Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed! +42212,0,Do you know who makes judgments about people based on their profession? Waiters... +42213,2,There’s a man that really likes tractors But he has no friends because no one else likes tractors but one day he found out about a tractor convention in town so he thought maybe he could find some one else who likes tractors to be his friend At the convention he see’s a really nice tractor so he gets in and pretends to drive it but then he is kicked out of the convention Because he didn’t make any friends he was sad so he went to the bar and there was a ton of smoke in the bar he asked the Bartender if he’d be his friend and the bartender said only if you can get all this smoke out of my bar so he took a deep breath in and then blew it all away then the bartender said I’ll be your friend but how did you do that! And the man said I’m a ex-tractor-fan +42214,0,Why did Trump dine and dash? Because he didn't want toupee. +42215,7,My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Especially since his name is Steve +42216,5,"My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, he will never be in class on time." +42217,0,Two cows are in a field and one is going on a vacation. Which one is going? The one with the wee calf. +42218,0,"Hillary Clinton is like an art history major, old and useless." +42219,0,Living in Germany during the 1930s... Just didn't feel Reich! +42220,3,"An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.... .... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a South Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, ""Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.""" +42221,1,What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat. +42222,0,why are Jews so good at studying ? cause they went to concentration camp ! +42223,0,"Did you guys ever read, “I Will Always Write Back”? I had to read it in LA a couple years ago. To sum up this guy from Zimbabwe named Martin is a pen pal with a girl from Pennsylvania named Caitlin and they become great friends. If Martin ever liked Caitlin, it failed miserably because instead of just a simple friend zone, Martin moved to the US where Caitlin’s family freakin adopted him. Absolutely destroyed" +42224,4,"A doctor started a clinic in a small town. He told everyone in the town: ""With the low price of 50 dollars, I can cure any types of diseases! If I can't, I'll pay you 100 dollars instead!"" So a man thought this is a great opportunity to earn some extra cash. So on the day the clinic opened he walk into the clinic. He says to the doctor:""I had lost my tastes, everything I eat is bland, can you cure it?"" ""Sure."" The doctor says, and he ordered the nurse to bring him some pills from a bottle labeled 5671. After the nurse bring them to doctor, he gave two to the man and tell him to chew it. The man does what the doctor said, until the strong flavor of the pills force him to puke it out. He says:""What the fuck, is that fucking shit?"" The doctor says:""Congratulation, it is indeed feces. You have successfully regain your sense of taste. Now, please pay 50 dollars."" The man was pissed, he paid and left the clinic. He thought out another plan to scam the doctor. So the next day, he came back to the clinic. He says to the doctor: ""I have lost my recent memories, I think I have amnesia, can you cure it?"" ""Sure."" The Doctor says, and he ordered the nurse to bring some pills from the bottle labeled 5671. The man yelled:""Wait a second, isn't that shit from yesterday?"" ""Congratulation! You are correct and regained your memories, now, please pay 50 dollars."" The man was furious at this point, so he thought up a final plan to take back his money. The next day, he bought a pairs of shades and a cane from a nearby store. Then, he used them to pretend to be a blind man and walked into the clinic. ""Doctor, I have lost my vision, can you cure it?"" The man says. ""Unfortunately, no, I can't, here is your 100 dollars. The man take the money and left the clinic in joy... ...until he saw that the bank note the doctor handed him is actually a 50 dollars note. He stomped back to the clinic and yells at the doctor:""You scammed me, this is 50 dollars, not 100!"" ""Congratulation, you have regain your vision. Now, please give me back my 50 dollars and pay another 50 dollars as medical fee."" " +42225,1,What did the Miner say when he fell into the cave? Great. I fell in a Sarchasm. +42226,0,"a student and the head teacher in a school... **\\*Set the scene:** Recently a school in a small village has been vandalised, this is a big deal as the village is so small and everyone knows each other... the vandal as yet to be caught & a warrant has been put out for his/ her arrest... **Student:** Have you heard about the vandalism that has just took place in the school Sir? **Head teacher:** Yea (he replies) what an awful thing to do! **Student:** I think I know who's done it! **Head teacher:** Who!? **Student:** Joe **Head teacher:** Joe who? **Student:** Joe mama!!! \\*\\*the student gets expelled\\*\\*" +42227,4,What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers. Christians are horrible drivers. +42228,3,At first I hated my new haircut Then it grew on me +42229,0,If you don't get this joke... ...then you should probably get your hearing checked. +42230,2,"I went to a lawyer to change my will today, but it turns out, I can't leave all my money… …to an imaginary friend, unless they have a church…" +42231,0,What did Ash tell his Pokemon? Pokemon Go! +42232,3,How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints +42233,0,I beat my children every time we play uno. +42234,2,"Can a Kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn't jump at all " +42235,1,What’s the difference between going to space and going skydiving? One is more down to Earth +42236,0,This just in: A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the highway. The police warn that these are really heavy criminals. +42237,1,"What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ..." +42238,0,What did the sprinter with diarrhea do during the race? He activated his **turd**bo... LOL +42239,3,Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito bytes +42240,0,What do you call the molestation of a baby farmyard bird? Chicken Statutory +42241,4,Apple is designing a car.. Everything was going great until they tried to install windows. +42242,0,So i went to the binoculars shop... I'll tell you what they saw me coming... +42243,4,I think everyone has a superiority complex except for me +42244,0,"What did the evil Jamaican spice say? ""I'm Sin-en Mon'""" +42245,2,"My wife asked if I've been seeing other people behind her back. I said, you're 400 pounds, I can't see anything behind your back." +42246,0,Why didn’t they ever play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck +42247,2,"My wife asked me why I was whispering at home, I said that I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri laughed... we all laughed." +42248,2,"I keep meaning to write my memoirs, but never get around to it. It's my oughta biography" +42249,3,Germany used to have a large French speaking region. It was called France +42250,0,"A millennial is walking down a country road... ... and he sees another millennial in a row boat out in the middle of a dry field growing like crazy. He looks at the millennial in the field and yells to her ""Hey! This is why everybody thinks Millennials are so damn stupid! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!""" +42251,0,"Was it here I read this? If an eagle would mate with seagull, would it make an eagull or a seagle? " +42252,0,What did Palpatine say to Rey when she thought of having a Chanukah-themed Christmas party? Jew it +42253,2,Whats the top most request DJs in Hong Kong are getting Clubbed to death +42254,6,"3d-printers are now making guns. Pffft, that's nothing! I've had a Canon printer for years. credit [jokes](https://reddit.com)" +42255,1,We didn't start the fire! Samsung did. +42256,0,"A guy wants to lose weight.. *A guy wants to lose weight, so he goes to see his doctor.* Guy: Doc, I want to lose some weight. Doc: That's great! I have a diet that I think could help you lose almost 5 pounds a week. Guy: Awesome I'll do it! Doc: Okay, for 3 weeks, you are going to eat for 2 days and skip the 3 day, then repeat for 3 weeks. Afterwards, come back and we will weigh you. *3 weeks go by and the guy comes back to the doctor to get weighed.* Doc: Wow, you've lost 60 pounds! Was that from the diet I told you? Guy: Yep, the two days eating were easy, but skipping the third day has made me extremely exhausted." +42257,0,Why does god kill little babies? So Muslims will have 75 virgins when they get there. (Too much????) +42258,2,"Son: ""Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"" Mom: ""Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!""" +42259,0,"An unclean affair Husband: Honey let’s have a talk... Wife: What’s wrong? Husband: First off, uncover your neck. Wife: What? Husband: UNCOVER YOUR DAMN NECK. *she uncovers it and reveals a hickey* I knew it... it was Henry... he sucked you right up Wife: No, please don’t do it! Husband: I’m gonna Kill that bastard right now! *he stands up and gets his baseball bat* Wife: You don’t have to do this! *they both head for the cleaning closet, he then opens it and looks straight down at Henry who is no longer smiling and sheds a dust tear* Husband angrily: Suck this you dirty vacuum cleaner..." +42260,0,What’s the diagnosis for an animal with a horn and a major drinking problem? Rhino’s Cirrhosis +42261,3,I hate people who trade with minerals They take everything for granite +42262,3,What do you call a cheap circumcision A rip-off +42263,0,"Something terrifying happened to me this morning. I was playing on my computer when I felt something touch my shoulder. I got a cold chill but refused to look back because I knew I would be fucked if i did. I started sweating, and then felt a rag wipe the back of my neck, removing all sweat from my neck. I internally shat myself. I still wouldn’t turn around, though. But it was too late, as the chair started turning on it’s own as I tried to resist. The chair wouldn’t budge. First, I saw an ugly, misshapen ear attached to an even uglier misshapen head. Then I saw the mouth, which was covered in what i hope was red lipstick. The nose didn’t have any pimples but was still just as crooked and gross looking as a witch’s nose. Finally, i saw the eyes. HOLY SHIT. The eyes were gone, with just an empty, black abyss in their place. The mouth opened up and I saw gross, completely crooked, dark yellow teeth. I jumped out of my chair and yelled, “HOLY SHIT! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! HELP!”. It yelled at me with a coarse voice. “MAKE YOUR DAMN BED!""" +42264,0,Why was three afraid of four Cause four skinned five +42265,1,"A rock walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve rocks here. ""Neat.""" +42266,2,"My 2-year-old wouldn't come out of the carnival bounce house, so the attendant had to go in and get him I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about him getting thrown out of places by bouncers until he got older." +42267,5,"I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami. I asked him: ""How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"" He said: ""Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked ""What is your name?"" He replied ""Kannaswami"". Then she looked at me and asked ""What's your name?"" I said, ""Sem Ting""." +42268,1,Why was the Sublime cover band so bad? They don't practice Santeria. +42269,0,What is Danny Devito's full name? Daniel Detotototototo. +42270,0,I turned off autocorrect on my phone to get better at spelling... but its ducked up my jokes whenever i write them out. +42271,0,If sheep could drive... They’d drive Lamborghinis +42272,0,"A family are driving down a country road... As they are driving along all of a sudden a stray cow from a nearby farm walks out onto the road. The cow hits the hood of the car and rolls to the ground dead. The father, mother, and son step out of the car to see the damage. The mother looks at the father, ""don't say it!"" Father replies, ""I don't know what to say about our car, but that cow is defiantly ...ground beef.""" +42273,5,"Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death. It was my first time in a vegan restaurant." +42274,2,I was sitting in traffic the other day... That's probably why I got run over +42275,0,How long is a battleship. True or false? Wong! How long is a China man. +42276,2,"I heard from the news that they finally got all the boys out of the cave. Another happy ending in Thailand, it seems." +42277,5,Why do Pokémon have eyes? So they can pikachu +42278,4,Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers? Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file. +42279,2,You know i speak two languages too. English (US)🇺🇸 and English (UK) 🇬🇧 +42280,3,What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? **your mom** +42281,4,Dj Khaled is like a Pokemon All he does is shout his name +42282,0,"TwoEnglish men arewalking on a beach one day Two English men are walking on a beach one day when they finds 300 dwarf sperm whales trapped in a small pool of water. One of them yells to the other ""we're rich! We're rich!"". Confused by his friends remarks he ask why and his friend explains ""if we sell these we will be rich each one is at least 400 pounds!""" +42283,0,Where do jokes go to die? On reddit. +42284,0,"Knock knock!..... Who's there? No one, because you have no friends " +42285,2,"After failing my first 2 exams, I just got an A on my third Anatomy exam... the answers were inside me the entire time" +42286,0,Did you hear about Trump's new haircare line specially formulated for Republican women? It's called Lock Her Up. +42287,0,The C Twins Why did the C twins finish each other's sentences? Because they used console.write(); instead of console.writeline(); +42288,0,"I hate when I meet a girl, I'm trying to get to know her, and she's like, 'Oh, you can just Facebook me.' Bitch, my face is here right now!" +42289,2,"As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced ""Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to the local time"" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 8th century?" +42290,2,"Three men sitting in a bar, discuss the previous night. The first guy tells the others, ""Guys, you wouldn't *believe* how much of a fool I made of myself last night! So, we were having a family dinner and I wanted to ask my mother in law if she wanted me to refill her CUP, but instead I said 'Would you like me to refill your CUNT?'"" The three of them laughed and then the second guy says, ""Wow, a similar thing happened to me too! Alright, so, my family also had a family dinner last night. I wanted to ask my daughter if I can taste the PUDDING that she made, but it came out as ""Can I have a taste of your PUSSY? My wife is divorcing me now."" More laughing ensued and the first guy says ""You're so lucky..."" when the third guy says: ""That's nothing! We had a massive dinner yesterday. Almost my entire extended family was there. We were all sitting at the big table, and just a few minutes after we started eating I wanted to ask my wife if she can pass me the SALT, but instead I stuttered and said 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!'"" " +42291,0,Whats gray and found between grandpa's legs? Grandma on his birthday. +42292,5,"My wife asked me if I pee in the shower I said ""occasionally "" She said ""that's disgusting "" I said "" hey these things happen when you're taking a shit""" +42293,0,"How do you put an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the 'a' out of safe, and the 'f' out of way. " +42294,0,How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool +42295,1,"Sour patch kids remind me of my mom. She was sour, sweet, then gone." +42296,0,Knock knock...... Who's there? One Two. One Two Who? THAT'S ONE TO MANY QUESTIONS OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR +42297,1,"What's the best part about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a huge plus." +42298,2,If my sex life was a hockey game I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities. +42299,1,What do the Enterprise & Toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons. +42300,1,The question of Monica Lewinsky: Did she blow a sitting U.S. president or blow him while standing? +42301,0,There are 3 types of people in this world Pessismists: who think the cup is half empty Optimists: who think the cup is half full And Racists: who think the cup is half black +42302,2,My friend asked me why i never post to r/Jokes I told him that my control key doesn't work +42303,2,I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying. +42304,0,John Cena had a civil lawsuit against him that was dropped the moment it was passed to the judge... You cant sue him. +42305,0,"1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 are in a group crying... because they can't even Literally. Like, on a scale of zero to even, they can't." +42306,4,Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house… That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore… +42307,2,Reincarnation is really a thing. I used to be a wild dog but now I'm a massive boar. +42308,3,Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football Doctor: It's okay take these pills Patient: No way tomorrow is the final +42309,10,"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette... ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.' " +42310,1,What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost. +42311,2,"So, you don't like hypothermia? All the cool kids are getting it." +42312,4,"Indian with one testicle There once was a Red Indian whose given name was ""Onestone"". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ""If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ""Good morning, Onestone."" He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ""Good to see you, Onestone."" Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! So what is the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone!! " +42313,1,You see the story where all of the Orthopaedic surgeons lost their their medical licenses? it was unorthodocs +42314,2,I'm developing an app that lets you customize the look and feel of 4chan when browsing. It's called 4skin +42315,2,What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre +42316,2,What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work. +42317,1,It’s the 10 year anniversary for Macmillan cancer support. They hosted a reunion for sufferers from the last 10 years but hardly anyone showed up. +42318,0,What is the definition of am atavist? A man who brings an atlatl to a knife fight. +42319,2,What did Mike Tyson say after going 10 rounds in the ring? That was in tenths! +42320,0,"Someone stole my flashlight I'm not annoyed, just delighted" +42321,0,Who has a scar in his face and can conjure? Franck Ribéry +42322,1,"The Lone Ranger and Tonto were on horseback across the prairies... Every now and then Tonto would dismount his horse and put his ear to the group to check for while life or followers. Each and every time the Lone Ranger was amazed by Tonto’s talent. He never questioned his predictions. When he said cowboys were up ahead, there were. When he said wild life was near by, sure enough there was. Enough for pelts, food whatever... Finally curiosity got the better of the Lone Ranger. When Tonto got off his horse but his ear to the ground and pronounced ‘Buffalo come!’ He had to ask how Tonto knew this... Tonto simply replied ‘Ear stuck to ground!’" +42323,0,"let's trade bad Trump jokes here! Here's mine: Trump tweets are like a diabetic's toenails : inflammatory, dangerous, and a symptome of a much bigger problem " +42324,1,What is worse than a university professor who only reads from his slides? A professor that asks a student to stand up and read the slides for the entire class to listen to. +42325,1,"Quasimodo still needs a substitute bell ringer An earlier joke saw a guy trying out to ring bells die. Another guy shows up the next day. He had no legs. He said” my brother was trying out for the job and tragically died yesterday. I want to carry on what he couldn’t do in life.” Quasi is skeptical, but says, “OK...it’s 12 noon, let’s try it out” Up they go, the guy padding on his hands. When they reach the top, he launches himself off the edge, grabbing hold of the clapper. As he reaches the stroke of 12, he’s woozy. Dizzy. His grip slips and he plummets to the floor of Notre Dame. Splat. Quasi mutters and rushes down to the street below. As he gets there, same crowd, same cop asks..”does anyone know this man?” Quasi says “I don’t know his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”." +42326,2,"A man went to see a therapist. He said ""Doc, my motorbike has become sentient. It gets angry whenever it runs out of gas and physically assaults me! I go fill it up, but then I have to visit the hospital for my injuries and wind up paying thousands of dollars' worth of medical bills. That means I don't have money left for gas, so the bike runs out again, gets mad again, and beats me up again! It all just keeps happening over and over!"" The therapist looks up from his notes and goes, ""Sounds like a vicious cycle.""" +42327,1,I wanted paranoid people to trust me... So I changed my name to No One. +42328,1,Never lie to a Dentist Because they can see through your teeth. +42329,1,"Second half centipede The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities. To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a football game and whoever won would be the greatest. In the first half the animals just dominated. They had bears on the front line, deer to run the ball, badgers at linebacker and eagles at defensive back. The animals led at halftime 48-0. The insects were to receive to begin the second half and when the centipede caught the kickoff he raced 95 yards through the animals for a touchdown. From that point on the centipede dominated. He made every tackle and intercepted passes on defense. And on offense every time he touched the ball he broke free for a touchdown. None of the animals could keep up with this 100 legged creature. Midway through the fourth quarter the insects were ahead 84-48 and coasting to victory. The grasshopper rushed up to the centipede and shouted, ""Man, you're great. Where were you in the first half?"" ""Getting my cleats on.""" +42330,0,What's the difference between a dick and a Harley? Your mom can't ride a Harley +42331,2,"A mother was putting her 3 children to sleep... A mother was putting her 3 children to sleep. As she kisses his first-born, he asks: ""Mom, why I am called Snowy?"" To that, she replied: ""Well, that's because when you were born, some snow fell on your forehead"" After she kisses his second son, he asks: ""Mom, why I am called Sandy?"" She replies: ""Well, that's because when you were born, some sand fell on your forehead"" After she kisses his third child, called Bricky, he asks: ""WALDAWADILTRAPLSBRUHHSTRWL""" +42332,1,Quasimodo walks into a bar And orders a whisky. Barman: Bells alright? Quasimodo: Mind your own fucking business. +42333,1,"At St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars... At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ""Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"" The priest responded, ""Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"" Giuseppe proudly replied, ""I gonna go pick her up.""" +42334,3,What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common? Both are full of big racks and lonely guys. +42335,2,Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams? A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast. +42336,0,"A NY Yankees fan decides to try out as a walk-on... Coach Girardi calls his name and the fan approaches him. Coach: OK, kid, which hand do you bat with? Fan: I'm ambidextrous, sir. Coach: Well by God! You've made the team! Confused, but excited, the rookie fan heads back to the locker room to meet his new fellow teammates. Masahiro Tanaka comes up to him and says, ""congrats, rookie! You'll fit in well here!"" The rookie looks at him and asks, ""why is that?"" Tanaka replies, ""We're the NY Yankees! We all swing both ways! I just hope you like catching!""" +42337,1,"Donald Trump ""is intensely loyal...he will never let you down."" .... - his third wife" +42338,0,"A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead each walk into a bar. The Brunette orders a drink, and the Redhead orders the same drink. Then, they look at each other, and the Brunette says ""Hey, where's the Blonde?"" ​ They found her unconscious in front of a street sign." +42339,1,"So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled ""Aaaargh!"" as he fell. Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?" +42340,2,What do Black lumberjacks use to cut trees? An *ask* +42341,1,The spooky makeup What is the spookiest make-up? Mas-Scare-AHHHH +42342,2,What’s the best way to describe your Dad? A motherfucker! +42343,3,Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty nuts. +42344,0,I have a fetish for amputees I just can't get enough of them +42345,3,What's Chinas favourite type of weather A Blizzard +42346,0,If you are Russian for time... You gotta quit Stalin. +42347,0,What do you get when you mix water and meth together? Wa(l)-ter White. +42348,1,"Thanks to the Internet I stopped asking what the world is coming to. Instead, I wonder what *isn't* it coming to " +42349,0,How fast can a bear run? As fast as it can bear. +42350,0,"Two men sitting next to each other on the Amtrak and the one man asks the other how his day is going... The man replies""not so good. When I was buying my ticket the women at the booth was very well endowed. Instead of saying I need a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I need a picket to Titsburgh and she punched me in the face!"" ""Oh man that's terrible"" replied the other man ""I had a very similar experience today as well. I was having breakfast with my wife and instead of saying please pass the milk, I told her I hate you bitch you're ruining my life!""" +42351,2,How do You Circumcise a Priest? Kick the choir boy in the chin +42352,0,EpiPen My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. +42353,3,"I was surprised to find that ""Trailer Park Barbie"" doesn't come with bruising on her body Then I realized battery not included" +42354,0,Kids nowadays only want two things... Wifi and Wifus. +42355,4,"A lady asked a man if he smokes... The man said yes Lady : How many packs a day ? Man : 3 packs Lady : How much per pack Man : $10.00 Lady : And how long have you been smoking ? Man : 15 years Lady : So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ? Man : Correct Lady : If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ? Man : Correct Lady : Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ? Man : Do you smoke ? Lady : No Man : Where's your Ferrari then ?" +42356,2,Donald Trump has banned shredded cheese. He's going to make America grate again. +42357,2,What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths? THIS guy! +42358,1,What does a math wizard tell the lazy calculus student? You! Shall! Not! Pass! +42359,2,"A wise teacher once told me... ""Don't ever start anything with a quote!""" +42360,2,"Doctor, I've listened to your advice, about getting my family involved in trying to help me recover. He said, ""Well, I've told you what the cures are. There are three. Two of them your children should have been able to aid you with, the third is sex."" ""Yes,"" I said, ""of that I am aware."" ""So..."" he began. ""What does your son give you?"" ""Ibuprofen."" ""What does your daughter give you?"" ""Paracetamol."" ""Then what does your wife give you?"" ""A headache.""" +42361,5,Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade? He was deep in thot. +42362,10,How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb? You tell him Barack Obama installed it. +42363,0,What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot you fucking racist piece of shit. +42364,0,What did Perry Mason have for lunch every day? A Hamilton Burger. +42365,1,I really hate when people get brie confused with similar cheeses. I camembert it. +42366,0,"Stopping the Ageing Process Did you hear about the California researcher who was doing experiments on longevity? He found that if he extracted a compound from one of the organs in some very young endangered east coast seagulls and injected it into the dolphins he had in his tank, it stopped the aging process! Unfortunately, it took a lot of this compound and he soon ran out. He decided the best thing to do was go to the east coast, raid several seagull nests and bring the young birds back to his laboratory in California. Time was of the essence and since he was illegally transporting endangered animals, he decided to drive. As he was passing through one of the states he realized that if he took a shortcut through one of the large state game parks he could save a lot of time. So take it he did! Strange as it may seem, as he was speeding through the park, two lions jumped out in front of his truck and he ran them over! The park ranger saw the whole thing, pulled him over and arrested him. The charge was, ""Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises."" " +42367,1,Saudi Arabia just announced they will allow movie theaters for the first time in over 35 years. This has brought with it lots of excitement in the country. The first movie expected to be played is the classic middle eastern comedy Schindler's list. +42368,0,What do you get when you text a really funny joke to the author of Harry Potter? jk rofl +42369,0,What's a feminist favorite ship? A CENSORSHIP +42370,5,"I was fired from the keyboard factory today, I wasn’t putting in enough shifts..." +42371,4,Two rules for success 1. Never reveal everything you know +42372,0,What should you NOT do to a cow waitress? Tip her +42373,0,What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar? He got bombed. +42374,2,Why don’t vegans jerk off? They don’t agree with beating meat +42375,0,This belongs here more than it does there. +42376,1,I once dated a girl who was a part-time stripper. You could say she was Polish. +42377,0,I stayed up one night playing poker with Taro cards. I got a full house and four people died. +42378,9,"I called my friend and said ""hey I have a joke for you.."" Friend :""ok, shoot."" Me: "" what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"" Friend: "" I dunno, what?"" Me: "" A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"" Friend"" I dunno what?"" *click*" +42379,0,i really hate Viagra it makes my life hard 24-7 +42380,1,How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool. +42381,0,How the universe started When Adam and Eve did their *big bang* +42382,1,How do you get the whores to go away? Just don't fuck with them. +42383,2,Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. +42384,0,"A Magical Discovery I remember how I felt, and how neighbors felt about it. See, I remember him pacing around my building after the planes crashed. He was preoccupied. Unable to remember something he had forgotten as we do from time to time. Thankfully, I just happened to be 3 blocks from where the towers once stood, by the time I had gone inside, locked my doors, divided the pizza pockets into even halves, put them in the microwave for 8 minutes, had a solid heart to heart with ""Our #4's Flute"" only to find out that it was fake. Also is a dream I made up. Ok, after all of that, we get to take a shower, have some fruits, the pizza pockets are finally out of the microwave, immediately put them back inside, because 8 minutes wasn't enough, finished my tax return, and was finally able to kick back and relax for the weekend.! Neville remembered what he forgot! He was a full grown adult and they were 8 year old children. He happened upon a slight hill that went down to an old field. On the far edge of the field, they saw a perfectly sized table. But the table was set. There were sandwiches, chips, already cooked hot dogs still sizzling on the grill, and drinks galore. But the best part about it, it's all very fresh and edible, also there's no punchline." +42385,2,How do you catch a unique rabbit? *You 'neak up on him.* **How do you catch a tame rabbit?** *The tame way!* ​ +42386,1,[all of my coworkers staring at me silently] **Me:** Well surely someone has... *[Uncomfortable shifting noises]* **Me:** You're kidding me! *[Someone ups and leaves]* **Me:** Are you telling me NO ONE has seen any good porn lately?? +42387,2,"Donald and Vladimir take a vacation. Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin take a trip to Brokeback Mountain. The two decide it's best for Putin to drive. Half way up the sketchy mountain, Trump spots a donkey with it's head stuck in a fence. ""We need to do something!"", Trump exclaims uncharacteristically. ""Ah yiss"", Vladimir agrees as he pulls the RV off to the side of the road. Putin hops out of the recreational vehicle, unzipping his slacks as he makes his way to the distressed donkey. And, oh, does he *make his way* to the distressed donkey. Satisfied, Putin pulls back and takes a deep breath of fresh mountain air. ""That wuz wonderful, Donald you vill love it!"" Donald, knowing it's his time to shine, excitedly rubs his tiny hands together, walks up beside the donkey.. And shoves his head in the fence." +42388,2,Anthony Mundine thinks that people shouldn't vaccinate their children... I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from someone who used to get punched in the head for a living. +42389,2,"Name changing A guy came to my office asking to have his name changed. ""What's your name?"" I asked. ""John Shit. I can't stand it anymore"" ""And what's the name you want to have?"" ""Alex Shit""" +42390,3,"Women are like parking spaces... All the good ones are taken, the ones that are left are disabled." +42391,0,Q: What do you call a whistleblower from Hawaii seeking political asylum in Russia? A: Snowed in +42392,2,Why does no one trust the man on the moon? He has a dark side. +42393,0,"A ghost encounter seminar was being held.... During the ghost seminar they talked about different types of encounters according to their rarity. The first obviously being the presence of a ghost to demonstrate the point the mc asked everyone who had felt the Presence of a ghost to raise their hand. All but two people raised their hands. The second most common encounter was seeing a ghost, most people raised their hands. As the seminar went on they came to the more rare encounters touching a ghost, 10 people raised their hands. “Now said the mc watch the room the second most rare encounter is kissing a ghost .” Two people raised their hands. The mc said “now for the most rare encounter sexual intercourse with a ghost” one old man raised his hand. The mc was in disbelief but he managed to stutter out “when did you have sex with this ghost ? Did you get their name?” The old man chuckled hoarsely and cleared his throat. Everyone held their breath!!! “Ghost?” He said. I thought you said goat..." +42394,2,People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river . I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile. +42395,0,pretty funny thought it belonged here +42396,1,"I like my women like I like my cigars. Cuban, shipped in bulk and 7 years old." +42397,0,What moustache? A chicken. What? A chicken must hatch. +42398,1,What's Donald Trumps favorite breakfast? Eggs Benedict Arnold +42399,0,"Can you wrap an elephant in a newspaper? You can, if Brezhnev's speech is printed in it. (Soviet Joke)" +42400,2,What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? Nothing. +42401,2,"Timmy was coming of age And so his father decided to help him with his ""situation"". He gave him some money and said: Okay son! You're going to go at the edge of town and find one of those girls hanging out there, pay her and she will make a man out of you. Hearing all this through the hallway, Timmy's neighbor pulled him inside her apartment the second he walked out. She took his money, undressed him and said : ""Okay Timmy, now just put it in and pull it out... Put it in aaaannnd pull it out..."" After a while Timmy got mad and said: ""You know what?! I want my money back! Can't you make up your mind?!""" +42402,0,Knock knock Who's there? Doctor Doctor who? YOU JUST SAID IT!! Use this joke to be more popular. +42403,5,"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date." +42404,3,"I went to the store to buy condoms. The lady at the counter asked if I needed a bag. I said ""No, that's OK. She's not that ugly."" " +42405,0,I used to be a big runner but then I kept running +42406,2,I had to break up with my Seismologist girlfriend. She kept pointing out all my faults. +42407,0,"This blind woman was talking with me at a bar Then we discovered that we both like the persona games, then she got a bit drunk and started hitting on me, i refused since she was drunk, then she asked ""what if i make a handjob for you right here and now? if you cum we have to do it all night long, if you don't i'll leave you alone"" ""I'm sorry, but my dick? You never see it cumming!""" +42408,0,When can bats power things? Only when they are a bat-array +42409,2,"A man gets on board a pirate ship... The captain takes him and says, ""Son, for your first task, I want you to tie up all the sails to get them ready to head to sea."" and the kid says, ""That'll take all day! Can you help?"" And the captain says, ""Well, I'll be in the bathroom when you do it."" And the pirate says, ""Are you serious?"" And the captain says: ""I shit, you knot.""" +42410,2,What is Snoop's favorite contraction? We'd +42411,2,It’s easy to piss on the floor. Be a hero. Shit on the ceiling. +42412,1,"What band's fanbase is the most charitable? U2, they're all pro-bono." +42413,1,"[long] Man walks into a cowboy bar... It's a really great place, just out of town. Sawdust on the floors, mechanical bull, etc. Man (Joe) says to the bartender, ""Hey, great place you've got here. Did I see you actually have a horse back there?"" Barkeep says, ""Yeah, he's kind of the mascot of this place. Doesn't do much but hang out in the stall but I guess that's no different than what drunk people do."" Joe: ""I'll bet you $100 I can make that horse laugh. Like, seriously laugh. Horses can't laugh. But I'll make him do it."" Barkeep knows the guy is a idiot. ""Deal."" Joe goes back to the stall. Five minutes later he returns. The horse is in hysterics. Tears welling up in its eyes, snorting and carrying on. Barkeep asks Joe how he did it. Joe said, ""I just told him a joke."" Unconvinced, the barkeep said, ""double or nothing. Go back there and make that horse cry."" Joe takes the bet, walks back to the barn, emerges a minute later with the horse weeping. Inconsolable, utterly devastated. Barkeep says, ""How the hell...?"" Joe says, ""Well the first time I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. The second time I proved it.""" +42414,1,"I wanna stay fresh - baby, can we make love now? - sorry, I wanna stay fresh for the obgyn tomorrow! - right! Dentist is next week, isn’t it? " +42415,2,"A kid walks out of the bathroom. He sees his mom mixing up some cake batter. The kid says "" hey mom, can I lick the bowl ? "" The mom says ""No !! . Flush it like everyone else.""" +42416,4,Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online? Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials. +42417,1,My friend is so bald... ...you can see what he's thinking. +42418,0,The real joke is in the description The real joke is in the comments +42419,0,What's David Copperfield's new name? David Cop a Feel +42420,0,What do the Florida State football team and Florida State cheerleader have in common? They both suck for four quarters +42421,0,Did you hear about the couple who returned from vacation to find that their house had been converted into a labyrinth? They were amazed +42422,6,What's that joke about Midas and Oedipus? I know the punchline was mother fucking gold! +42423,1,"A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests." +42424,2,"A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly friendly, which, of course, it is. The landladies have a rabbit hutch in the backyard which contains two white rabbits. Months pass, and everyone gets along just fine. The man had trained the dog not to pester the rabbits while he’s away at work, and the dog is quite obedient. One night, though, the man returns from a long weekend away on business. His dog is beside itself with joy to see the master return, but it’s late, the man is tired, so he plops right down in bed and falls asleep, leaving the dog outside. In the middle of the night the man is woken up by the strange sounds that his dog is making outside the bedroom window, a kind of muffled whimpering. When he opens the front door he sees the dog standing there with one of the rabbits in its mouth! After a quick smack or two on the head the dog drops the rabbit on the ground, and the man immediately picks the bunny up and brings it inside where it’s light. The rabbit is brown with dirt but apparently undamaged, so the man rushes to wash it off and dry it. He slips out the door into the dark night, returns the rabbit to the hutch, and brings the dog inside. Thinking the women won’t notice, he falls asleep. ​ In the morning, as he’s leaving the carriage house for work, he sees the two old ladies standing around the rabbit hutch, which he must pass by on his way out of the backyard. He figures everything’s alright and the rabbit is unhurt, but when he walks up and says good morning he notices that the women are completely distraught and crying. In fact, one of the women is making the sign of the cross over and over again. The man knows that he’s probably been caught, but he decides to be cagey and asks, “What happened? Did the rabbits die?” ​ “Well, one of them did,” replies one of the women, “but we buried him three days ago and now he’s back in the hutch!”" +42425,2,"All flight have been suspended for a second time this evening, come one now, this is starting to drone on and on ." +42426,2,"A sodium ion went to rob a bank. It was charged, without a doubt." +42427,0,There are 10 types of people on this subreddit... Those who know binary and those who don't. +42428,6,What is yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children. +42429,1,Why aren't bathtubs good at gardening? Because they're showers not growers. +42430,3,“Doctor!!! I’m extremely constipated!! I haven’t pooped in weeks!!!”” Doctor: “No shit?” +42431,10,"A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.” “Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.” “Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.” “But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.” “Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.” “But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.” “Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-” “But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.” The priest falls silent. “And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…” The priest still did not answer. “And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…” The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry. “Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!” “Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”" +42432,1,Why is Keanu Reeves always stealing balloons? Because he's breathtaking. +42433,0,How does an emo order a steak ? Rawr xD +42434,2,You can tell that Donald Trump isn't Amish ...because he is terrible at building a Cabinet. +42435,2,why do you never see Kylie Jenner's dad cos he's a trans-parent. +42436,3,"I saw a midget carrying a big TV to his car from a store and offered to help him carry it. “Fuck off you dickhead,” he said “ it’s an iPad!”" +42437,1,"I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea. ""I can't complain,"" he wrote back." +42438,1,"Cinderella is late for the ball when her period comes. To her great relief, her fairy godmother is able to fashion a magic tampon out of a pumpkin. But she warns her, “you MUST be home before midnight, or it will turn right back!” Midnight comes and goes, and the fairy godmother goes from angry to terribly worried. At 5 am Cinderella shows up, smoking a cigarette and looking rather disheveled, but seemingly unharmed. “Where have you been!?” yelled the fairy godmother. “I’m fine, relax! Had a lovely evening. I ended up meeting a man! I don’t remember his name exactly, Peter Peter Pumpkin something.”" +42439,0,Making jokes on dead people is a great idea Dont have to worry about hurting their feelings +42440,3,My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes. He really gets a kick out of it. +42441,0,"A blonde gets invited to a high school footballer’shouse. When she gets there she finds the footballer has a bunch of his buddies there. They ask the blonde to climb ladder so they can “make her see their tree”. When she goes and meets the footballers mom, she said to the blond, “you know they only made you climb the ladder so they could see your panties?” “Yeah” the blonde “i know, so thats I took them off!”" +42442,1,"A blind man is arrested for a crime he insists he could not have committed, as he was busy reading at the time. He has been released on braille." +42443,5,What do you call it when a blonde woman puts on a wig? Artificial Intelligence. +42444,0,How do Humans Reproduce? A: Sexually B: Sexually C: Sexually +42445,6,You know the best thing about having a penis? You get to share it with people who don't. +42446,1,How do you circumcise Moby Dick? Send down 4 skin drivers +42447,4,I took a poop in the elevator.... ​ I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.  +42448,1,Sure is taking Google a long time to make a self driving car. They're hitting one obstacle after another. +42449,8,"Dumbest kid in the world... A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” " +42450,0,"A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, ""Where did you get that?!?"" The parrot says, ""Africa. There's a lot of them there!""" +42451,2,The early bird gets the worm But the second mouse gets the cheese +42452,0,When i'm in jail You can call me on my cell phone +42453,2,"eeny, meeny, kanye, flo you come to a fork in the road. the path to the left sports a sign guaranteeing a gruesome end to all trespassers. the one to the right looks clear, except for a skinny guy with a hat who freestyles rhyming insults at you. do you risk certain doom… or chance the rapper?" +42454,0,What is it called when you bully a midget? Micro aggression +42455,0,"Why did the French Baker commit suicide? Because he spent his whole life dealing with nothing but *pain*. Edit: Pain is the French word for bread, if you're out of the loop." +42456,2,"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot It got so bad , I had to take his bike away " +42457,2,"The Toothbrush Salesman. One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth about being a potenthial thalseman here.” The manager chuckles & shakes his head , “Sorry son, I’m not currently looking for any new salesman, and no offense, but I try and recruit people who are very clear and precise with their speaking, and er well — Joseph cuts him off, “Oh well not to worrwy at all thir, I guarwenntee you I will be the betht thalseman, you’ve ever theen!” Humoring him, the manager says “I’ll tell ya what Jospeh, I’ll give you 10 of my toothbrushes here, they sell for a dollar, come back with $10 tomorrow, and I’ll think about it.” Joseph takes the toothbrushes, and goes gladly on his way. He returns the next day with $10, and hands it to the manager. The manager looks at Jospeh. “Well, seeing as I just had my most trusted salesman quit ... ah what the hell, here you are Jospeh, 100 toothbrushes. Bring me back $100 by the end of the week. And I’ll consider making you one of my top salesmen. Jospeh gladly accepts, and goes on his way. He returns the very next day with $100 in cash. Astonished, the manager exclaims, “why I never .. Joseph my good man. We have an office up in the corner there.” Joseph shrills “Wow thank you thir!!” The manager then says, “Alright Jospeh, this is gonna sound insane, but here’s 1000 toothbrushes, if you can bring me back $1000 by the end of next week, I’ll make you the regional sales manager. Not only that, but we’ll give you a company car, and your own assistant.” Jospeh of course, gladly accepts and goes along his way. In just two days, Joseph returns with $1000, and hands it to his boss. The manager snatches the money, and confusedly yells, “Jospeh you’re incredible! I don’t understand, how do ya do it!? Before I keep on my word, you gotta show me.” So Jospeh and the manager, get into Jospeh’s car with a big box of toothbrushes and start driving. The manager notices a party size bag of chips and some dip in the back, and ask “What’s that for?” — “You’ll thee.” Jospeh says. Joseph drives them to the airport. Once they arrive, Jospeh gets out, grabs the chips and dip, and wheels all his luggage in, along with the toothbrushes. He sets up in the terminal in the first gate, just beyond the entrance. “You sure you don’t need any help?” Chimes in the manager, Joseph replies, “Nah I got thith.” He sets up a sign that says “FREE CHIPS N DIP HERE” The manager makes a weird face and looks at Joseph, but shrugs it off. Moments later a man walks past, and Joseph says, “Hello there thir, would you like thome free chipths and dip?” The man obliges and grabs a chip and takes a big scoop of some of the dip. The man immediately spits it out and yells “WHAT THE FUCK, THIS DIP TASTES LIKE SHIT” — “It is thit. Would ya like to buy a toothbruth?” " +42458,3,"Three married couples want to join a church There is a young newlywed couple, middle aged couple, and older couple. They talk to the priest, and he informs them that they have to remain abstinent for 2 months before they can join the church. They all agree and return 2 months later to talk to the priest. Priest asks the elderly couple if they remained abstinent? They reply that they did and it wasn't too much of an issue since they don't have sex much anyways now. Priest says, congratulations, welcome to the church. He moves on to the middle aged couple and they reply that the first few weeks were tough, but once they got in a routine and slept a couple nights in different beds, that they were able to make it. Priest again replies, congratulations, welcome to the church. Lastly, he goes to the newlywed couple and asks them the same question. The husband replies, we made it a couple weeks, but then one day my wife leaned over to pick up a can of paint that fell off the counter and I couldn't help myself, I just took advantage of her right there. Priest says he's sorry to hear that and informs them that they are not welcome to the church. Husband nods in agreement and says, I know, we're not welcome to Home Depot anymore either. " +42459,4,Which character of Pokemon is a jew? Ash +42460,0,What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? A jeweler sells watches and a jailer watches cells. Edit: No idea why this is a religion joke... +42461,3,Why did Pluto miss the solar system party. He didn't planet right +42462,1,"I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed." +42463,0,I used to go out with a Parachutist with IBS.... ....but she shat on me from a great height! +42464,0,I have the body of a 25 year old But it's in my refrigerator +42465,2,"A young and promissing politican is invited to a dinner with the big fish from the party. There he meets the host, one of the older members who's heard a lot of good things about the young member. He starts to take him around the huge house, shows him expensive cars, his helicopter, private gym etc. The young member amazed asks him how did he get all this by being a politican. So the older member is like:""Do you see that road there? Well, it was to have 4 lanes instead of 3. That's where all this comes from!"" Young member learned a lesson, worked hard, became a big shot himself and hosted a dinner for the rest of the members. He found the old member and returned the favour by showing him around. A bigger house, more expensive cars, a private jet, a yacht, sports center etc. The older member in wonder asks: ""How on earth did you get all this that soon?!"" ""Ok, see that road over there?"" ""Well, no! There is no road!"" ""Well, there was to be a big one with 4 lanes...and here we are!""" +42466,2,I shit myself every time I have to go to the hospital. I wasn't cut out to be a doctor. +42467,2,To people struggling with self harm Don't beat yourself up over it +42468,0,Why didn't the spooky boy cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts. +42469,0,How can you tell your a heavy sleeper Sleep through a earthquake +42470,2,"A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway. Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone? Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there. Cop: Sir, that's the route sign. At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess. Cop: Sir, is your wife alright? Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87. Joke is courtesy of my dad. " +42471,0,Why does Trump love to hold rallies? He has a thing for watching peons. +42472,3,A penis has a sad life His family is nuts. His neighbor is an ass. His best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him. +42473,0,I wanted to know how long it would take to get to the chicken hotel So I asked my uber driver 'how far is the cock inn?' +42474,1,My friend is done planning for a very ambitious movie and needed some scenery for filming So I gave props to him +42475,0,"A Man walks into a bar, looks around then sit and order a drink while drinking he looks again and say: ""gays on my left, idiots on my right"" then sighs and goes away He returns the next day, looks around again, mostly the same people is present, so he sits, order a drink and sighs ""gays on my left, idiots on my right"", the bartender says in a low voice that he should be wary on how he act, the man looks at him then sighs and goes out of the bar The third day the man enters the bar again, he looks around, sit, orders a drink, and while he's drinking everyone looks at him, then he says ""gays on my left, idiots on my right"" From his left side, a big man stands and goes near him with a gruntled face, saying ""I'm not gay"" rising hin fists and ready to punch him but waiting for the man's reply, which lay down his drink and shouts ""And what are you doing there? go to the other side!!!""" +42476,0,I was going to make a joke about rubber bands. It was a bit of a stretch... +42477,4,"An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies... He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited. After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had. Every single time, just before docking, the captain took out a small locket from his jacket pocket, look at it, and put it back. In all his time with the captain he never asked what was in the locket. After looking through the boxes of this clothes they fished out the jacket. Finding the jacket, and locket within, the first mate, for the first time in his time knowing the captain, opens it. All that is in the locket are 4 words: ""Port= left. Starboard= right""." +42478,0,"During his first 100 days, President Trump sends Congress his long expected replacement for the Affordable Care Act. In the days before, the president has been on the stump talking about the huge improvement to Obamacare. The legislators are overjoyed by this replacement and the news starts to spread that they are going to soon vote on a much improved health care bill. A reporter hears the news and looks to get the scoop on the alternative bill. When he finally gets a copy of the bill he is surprised to see the landmark legislation contains only one page stating: One correction, line 1. ~~Title: Obamacare~~ Title: Trumpcare" +42479,2,"3 couples (newlywed, middle aged, and elderly), try to join a church. ""Welcome to Heaven On Earth Church!"" The pastor exclaims. ""In order to become a member here, all you have to do is abstain from having sex for two weeks. Good luck out there, and we'll see you soon!"" Two weeks goes by, and the three couples return to speak with the pastor. The elderly couple are first. ""How did it go?"" The pastor eagerly enquires. ""Well"" Said the old man, ""we've been married for so long, that it was really no problem for us."" ""Great!"" exclaimed the pastor, ""Welcome to the church!"" Next was the middle aged couple. ""And how did you fair?"" ""To be honest"" said the husband, ""there were a few instances of heavy petting, but we were able to overcome our desires for the time being."" ""Ok"" said the pastor, ""we may need some work, but I think you guys will do fine."" Finally, the newly wed couples turn.. ""Tell me my son, how did you two do with this task?"" ""Father.. I'm sorry, but I let you down.."" began the young man, ""You see, me and my wife are such a new couple, and she is so hot, and my goodness.. the temptation of her buttocks as she bent over to pick up a can of soup was too much and I just had to have her several times right then and there.."" ""Oh, I'm sorry son.. but it looks like you will not be allowed to enter our church from this point on."" replied the pastor solemnly. ""Thats ok.."" the young man added, ""We're not allowed in Safeway anymore either..""" +42480,0,Have you been to the two shop oddities market? It's a little bazaar. +42481,1,"A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder The bar tender says ""Oh wow, where'd you get that?"" ""Africa""..... says the parrot" +42482,1,"What do you call a short, round-bellied Salarian? Mordin Volus " +42483,1,Why do Opera singers like strumpets (prostitutes)? Because they'll do anything for a tenner. +42484,1,"The Soviet chain factory Once upon a time, there was a factory in the Soviet Union that made chains. When the communists took over, they abolished capitalism, and instead of selling chains the factory sent their production to the government to distribute, and were rewarded based on their production quotas set by the bureaucrats in Moscow. However, the bureaucrats had little knowledge of what was needed or how to measure productivity, and their quotas were unreasonable so the factory manager had to get creative to complete the orders. When Moscow set quotas by quantity, they churned out hundreds of thousands of tiny, two-link chains. When Moscow realized this was not useful and set a quota by weight instead, they started building giant chains with each link weighing several pounds. Realizing this wasn't working, Moscow set a new quota based on market value. That's when the factory started producing solid-gold chains." +42485,0,"A native man was known for being especially virile Oftentimes the man was even loaned to villages across the desert to boost their neighbors population When asked by anthropologists what his secret was, he responded: ""The truth is, I'm extremely afraid of erections. Luckily for me, I'm also a huge masochist.""" +42486,4,"One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No... Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays. " +42487,1,Have you heard the joke about the midget? It's short but its funny. +42488,9,"I am so sick of girls calling out the wrong names during sex. ----- I mean how many times do I have to tell them? My name is not ""Help"" or ""Getoffme."" Get it right. Its *Brock Turner*. ------ Since many have mentioned it yes. Yes my Rape joke is innacurate to the actual events. But the entire point of the joke was to emphasis the fact that Brock Turner is a Rapist. So, if any of you would like to improve on the joke go ahead. I really don't care, just don't bombard the the subreddit with Brock Turner rape jokes or it will most likely get banned, and become stale. :* have fun and spread the good word. Guys. I need bail :'( http://m.imgur.com/x29gyvN The amount of people who thought he was serious is very disheartening... This guy was joking. http://m.imgur.com/Q1iyUoT ======== [We did it reddit]( http://m.imgur.com/hKRnGrT) ======= [No, you cannot](http://m.imgur.com/fqufGbK) " +42489,2,What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause. +42490,0,I went to the market to buy a camouflage jacket Couldn't find one. +42491,0,I was actually pleased when my ex husband came into money.. He lost his job at the bank +42492,2,"A therapist is throwing a costume party for all of her patients. She tells them to show up as an emotion. The first person knocks on the door. The Dr. opens the door and sees a man dressed in green clothes from head to toe. ""You must be green with 'ENVY', come on in."" 5 minutes later another knock. As she opens the door there is a woman dressed entirely in yellow with her hair standing straight up. ""I'm gonna go with 'FEAR', right?"" The woman smiles and heads in. The party is in full swing after anger, empathy, joy and several other emotions show up. Finally, one last knock at the door. The therapist opens the door and finds a man standing in front of her completely naked with a piece of fruit on his dick. The therapist looks for a while and completely confused says, ""I give up, what emotions are you?"" The man looks her dead in the eye and says, ""Can't you tell? I'M FUCKING DESPAIR!""" +42493,1,"3 policemen are sent to investigate a murder case. 3 policemen are sent to investigate a murder case. One American, one Chinese and one Indian. They approach the cave where the corpse is laying and immediately notice a horrid stench coming from the cave. The Chinese policeman goes in first, and after a mere 10 seconds inside he runs out vomiting, unable to stand the smell. Next, the American policeman goes in. He lasted longer, but only managed to stay inside for a mere 10 minutes, before suffering from the same fate as the Chinese policeman. The Indian policeman goes in last, determined to do a better job. After 10 seconds, the corpse runs out vomiting, unable to take the smell. " +42494,0,“White Powder” ... shouted the cocaine addicted Klansman. +42495,4,How do you give a lemon an orgasm? You tickle it's citrus. +42496,2,I like my coffee how i like my slaves... Free...sugar free... or whipped. +42497,2,"The Christian Horse (long) A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him. When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of a story book. He was in awe about how a horse like this could be so cheap. He asked the owner why the horse was so cheap. The owner said, ""Well, we're a Christian family. We don't want to charge too much for this horse to get a nice home."" He continued, saying ""There is one thing, however. This horse 'operates' a little different than most. To get this horse to move, you need to say ""Praise the Lord!"" To get the horse to come to a halt, you need to say ""Amen!"" The man gladly took the horse home, and went to ride it. ""Now what were those words?"" Said the man. ""Hallelujah!"" Nothing. The horse didn't move. ""Peace to all good men!"" Nothing. ""Praise the Lord!"" The horse immediately dashed, going incredibly fast. The man had to nearly hold on for dear life. He was having the time of his life. He rode the horse for a while, through valleys and up to a mountain. As they approached the top of the mountain, however, the man realized he couldn't get the horse to stop. They were dangerously approaching the edge. ""Uh-oh, what were those words?"" Said the man. ""Hallelujah!"" Yelled the man, yet the horse kept galloping. ""Glory to all!"" Nothing. The cliff appeared only meters away. Finally, he remembered, at the last second. ""Amen!"" The horse stopped. The man was so thankful to have remembered the words, and in a sigh of relief, said ""Praise the Lord!""" +42498,0,"How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Seriously, how many blondes? Need to know ASAP." +42499,0,This Election Get it? I don't. +42500,2,How do you punish a pet rock You hit rock bottom +42501,1,"Kim Yong Il, Stalin and Hitler have their personal hell... ...which consists of a swamp that will let you sink deeper the more lies you spread during your time as a leader. Kim Yong Il is buried till his waist. Stalin is buried till his chest. Hitler is standing upright above them all, barely sunken in till his ankles with a big grin on his face. Stalin asks: ""What are you laughing, fachist?!"" Kim says: ""How come you didn't sink in much?"" Hitlers grin grew from ear to ear as he sneakily said: ""I'm standing on goebbles""" +42502,2,Why did the marketer use gametes in his ads? Because sex cells. +42503,1,I have a russian friend who's a sound engineer And a Czech one too. +42504,0,How do gender fluid people like to listen to music? By a trans-istor radio. +42505,2,Finally going to refuel my car.. It's April Fuels Day. +42506,6,I bought some shoes from a drug dealer Im not sure what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day +42507,4,My shower gets turned on... Every time I get naked. +42508,0,I have a growing addiction of speeding through red lights There's just no signs of stopping. +42509,2,Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get. +42510,0,I asked my German friend what he thought about Tolls He said they're great +42511,2,"I'm the kind of friend who'd help you hide a body. But if you betray me, I know how to hide a body." +42512,0,"My father told me that when I was born, the doctor slapped my face My father told me that when I was born, the doctor slapped my face because he mistook it for my ass. I told him grandma said when you were born the doctor slapped you on the ass because he mistook it for your face." +42513,0,"Polygamy A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. ""Nothing easier,"" Twain said. ""No man can serve two masters.""" +42514,5,"Facebook is like jail You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know" +42515,0,Had a German plumber over today And he managed to plug our gas line to the shower. Guess old habits is hard to get out of Edit: spelling +42516,5,"Blonde walks into appliance store A blonde walks into an appliance store, a salesman approaches her and asks ""How may I help you?"" The blonde responds ""I'd like to buy this tv"" the salesman says ""sorry we don't sell to blondes"" furious the blonde leaves. A couple days later she dyes her hair Brown and goes back, the same salesman is there and says ""How may I help you?"" She replies ""I'd like to buy this tv"" again the salesman says ""sorry we don't sell to blondes"" again the blonde leaves madder then the time before. Finally a week later the blonde dyes her hair red and goes back for one last try, the same salesman comes up and says ""How may I help you?"" The blonde says ""I'd like to buy this tv"" the salesman responds ""sorry we don't sell to blondes"" the blonde says ""I've dyed my hair two different times how have you known I'm blonde both times?"" The salesman responds ""because that's a microwave""" +42517,1,"I'm just trying to be sexy Why is it that when a woman licks her lips it's ""sexy"" and ""seductive"" but when I do it it's ""weird"" and I should ""get off her lips""" +42518,0,"Pick-Up Line #69... Hey girl, you a farmer? Cuz u sure know to raise cocks!" +42519,1,I have the laser focus of a cat But I just can’t catch the damned thing +42520,2,Can beer make you smarter? Well it made Bud wiser +42521,0,"A man walks into a pet shop and says: ""Give me a wasp."" The shopkeeper replies: ""We don't sell wasps."" He says: ""There's one in the window." +42522,4,I'd like to thank my Spanish teacher for spending so much time teaching me what mucho means It really means a lot +42523,0,What is a calligraphy dissector’s favourite genre of movie? Period Pieces +42524,1,"A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. As soon as he steps in, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins exploring the bar. The monkey grabs a handful of beer nuts and scarfs them down. Then he grabs a fish from the large fish tank and eats it. Lastly, he grabs the cue ball from the pool table and swallows it whole. Meanwhile, the guy sits down at the bar and the bartender, totally enraged by this display, walked up to the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" ""No,"" the guy responded, ""what did he do?"" The bartender slammed his fist on the counter, ""He just ate the damn cue ball!"" The guy put his hands up, ""No need to get so stressed, bro. Tell you what: Here's enough money to buy another cue ball and my drink."" The bartender angrily accepts the money, and shortly afterwards the guy and his pet monkey leave the bar. ​ A week later, the same guy comes back to the bar with his pet monkey. Just like before, the monkey jumps off the guy's shoulder but this time goes straight to the jar of maraschino cherries. The monkey takes a cherry out, sticks it up his butt, takes it out, and eats it. The bartender approaches the guy, ""Did you see what your monkey just did?"" ""No,"" the guy responds, ""what did he do?"" The bartender again slammed his fist on the counter, ""He just stuck a cherry up his ass, took it out, and ate it!"" ""Yeah, I'm not surprised,"" the guy chuckled. ""He learned to measure what he eats after he had your damn cue ball.""" +42525,0,will you burn your certificate for a million dollars?? A million bucks!!! Fuck I'll burn down the school +42526,0,"Scottish man: I built a bridge... I built a bridge but no one says - McMurphy, the bridge builder! I built 5 houses with my bare hands, but no one says - McMurphy, the house builder! But you fuck one sheep..." +42527,5,"A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde The police officer asks the blonde, ""Can I see you license and registration, please?"". The blonde then asked, ""What is that?"", the police officer says, ""That thing with your face on it"", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, ""Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.""" +42528,3,"Why can't mammoths clap? Because they're extinct, stupid." +42529,4,I was wondering why people keep looking at the cars while crossing the road Then it hit me. +42530,2,I heard that certain foods can be addictive So I quit cold turkey. +42531,2,My dad asked if I remembered blowing bubbles as a child He then informed me Bubbles is out of prison and wants to visit me +42532,0,I beat my dog everyday in Mario Kart +42533,4,"A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore. A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, ""Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."" The clerk says, ""Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."" Trembling, she asks, ""All right, do- do- do you have (whispers) women's...pleasure...aides here? ""Like, vibrators and dildos? Yes, ma'am, we have a large selection of both."" ""An- an- and do- do you know much about them?"" The clerks looks are her shaking form and says, ""Yes, ma'am, I do. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have."" To which she replies, ""Great! Do- do- do- do you know how to shut 'em off?!"" :-) (Note: When telling this joke in person, be sure to shake your hands when you're doing the little old lady's voice! Earned me a few laughs back when I was bartending :)" +42534,0,What song does Donald Trump play when he meets Mahmoud Abbas? It's all about the Benjamin. +42535,2,How do Americans make their tea? By throwing it in the harbor. +42536,4,I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife... He's been proper miserable lately. +42537,0,Netflix are launching a game show themed on sperm donation. It's called *Wankety Wank*. +42538,1,What do rhinoceroses have that no other animal does? Baby rhinoceroses. +42539,2,"My kids were really excited when I took them to the zoo today, but upset to find it only had a dog It was a shih tzu" +42540,2,Ahhh Communism My favorite weight loss program +42541,0,How did the doctor treat mesothelioma? As best as he could. +42542,2,There was a bad accident at the Air Force base. A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels. +42543,1,What do you call a Jewish vampire? Nosferajew! +42544,1,[NSFW] I used to date a German girl.... I used to date a German girl who liked to rate my sexual performance out of 10. Well one night I flipped her over and started to fuck her ass! She must have loved it because all the way through she was screaming nine nine nine! +42545,2,Unvaccinated children are less likely to get sick After the age of 20 because they're dead +42546,0,"A friend of mine got hospitalized recently with a head injury. “What happened?”, I asked him. “My wife threw some flowers at me”, he said. “How cute! But how’d you end up in the hospital?” He said, “the flowers were still in the vase.”" +42547,3,"I was in a porno cinema the other night I hadn't been there five minutes when a few people started saying things like ""How do you sleep at night?“ and ""You're a monster, you're despicable!“ So I replied saying ""Look, I'm here just the same as you, there's no need for that"" But then others started chipping in, saying how I'm disgusting, and some of them even left the theatre. But then the manager had to come in too. I still remember his words: ""In my 25 years I've never witnessed anything like this"" He kept saying how he was gonna kick me out and that the security was on its way. I said ""I know I ain't much to look at, but that's a bit harsh"" At that point I decided that I've had enough. I stood up, grabbed my coat and said ""Fuck it. Come on, kids. We're leaving"" " +42548,0,What do you call an Indian elephant who crosses the border? A Pakiderm. +42549,2,I just finished baby-proofing my house... Let’s just see one of them try to get in now! +42550,4,"My friend blamed himself for creating a fight club I told him ""Don't beat yourself up""" +42551,4,"A porn enthusiast, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar. They came, they saw, they conquered." +42552,0,Four pregnant sitting in the OBGYN office The brunette says I'm having a female she was conceived in the female dominant position. The Redhead Says I'm having a male he was conceived in the male dominant position. The first blonde gets all giddy and says oh boy I'm having a puppy the second blonde puts her face in her hands and cries oh my I'm having triplets. +42553,2,"What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow-job." +42554,1,They should make a show where black guys give style tips to tacky white men.. Call it “Black Eye For The White Guy” +42555,0,"What would the all female ""Back To The Future"" be called? Back to the Kitchen" +42556,2,"I was browsing through a section in the bookshop titled ""Advertising for Idiots."" It said ""Buy one and get a second one for the price of two.""" +42557,1,My friends always told me I was average I bet they'll change their minds when I tell them I got an 100 on my IQ test +42558,2,My wife and i decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard... +42559,1,"I told my friend ten jokes Nine of them made him laugh, but no pun in ten did" +42560,0,"Why can Peter Pan fly? If someone hit your peter with a pan, you'd fly too." +42561,3,Where are LGBTQ vampires from? TRANSylvania +42562,6,"The curse of the coffin Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The three friends agree that this is their chance to make it big and decide to go together to find this treasure. After searching for months deep in the jungle, they come across a cave that they are certain contains the treasure. There are many traps within the cave: poisoned arrows, moats of crocodiles, pits of fire, and rolling boulders, but the three friends are determined to get their wealth. Finally, they reach the deepest part of the cave and it is *filled* with treasure: gold, diamonds, rubies, and more! In the center of the cave is a large sepulchre with the words of a strange language written across it and depictions of death and suffering all along its sides. The three friends paid it no heed and proceeded to fill their pockets and backpacks with treasure. Suddenly the door of the sepulchre burst open and a black, decrepit coffin *floated* out. From out of the coffin arose a rotting hand holding a large ceremonial dagger. The coffin slowly came towards Gary, Dan, and Job, the hand stabbing at the air as it went. The men let out a shriek, grabbed their bags full of treasure, and ran from the cave. Years passed and the three men had enjoyed their newfound wealth, each buying his own luxurious mansion, servants, cars, and whatever they desired. One day, as Gary was staring out of his mansion window, he noticed something on the horizon. It was that coffin with the dreadful hand still stabbing at air, and it was slowly floating toward his home. Gary shouted for the butlers to bar the doors and Gary grabbed his prized elephant gun. The doors didn't stop the coffin though, it plodded right through. Gary shot frantically, but the bullets didn't affect the coffin at all. The coffin stabbed Gary, and the life faded quickly from his eyes. Dan heard about Gary's death and feared for his own life, so he hired many trained mercenaries as guards to protect him. Soon enough, Dan saw the coffin coming for his luxurious mansion and sounded the alarm. The guards locked all of the doors and opened fire on the coffin, but it didn't stop! Grenades, machine guns, RPGs, none of it could stop the coffin. The guards, seeing the vanity of their efforts, fled in terror. Dan begged and begged for the coffin to stop, but it kept coming. The coffin stabbed Dan right in the heart, and the man fell to the ground lifeless, the white marble floor of his manor now marred by streaks of crimson. Job, of course, heard of the deaths of his two friends and feared the coffin. He built a large wall of iron around his house, he hired guards, planted landmines, and set traps (he had the money to do so, afterall). When the coffin came, none of it helped. The coffin plowed through the wall, floated over the landmines, was unaffected by the traps, and overpowered the guards. The coffin busted down Job's mansion doors and began making it's way toward him. Job, desperate, began throwing anything he could grab at the coffin: dining room chairs, knives, forks, and even his pet cat (poor Mr. Whiskers!), but the coffin didn't stop. Job fled to his bathroom, hoping the coffin couldn't find him there, but he soon heard the swish of air from the swinging of the coffin's dagger. Before Job could attempt to flee again, the door came crashing down. In one final attempt to save his life, Job opened the bathroom medicine cabinet and threw a package of Halls extra strength lozenges, and the coffin stopped." +42563,0,A vape pen recently caused a fire at my office. The email telling people to keep them turned off was titled “Fire ignites Policy Change” They must have been Juul-bulent about that pun +42564,1,"Leisurely drive I was out driving the other day when all of a sudden, a guy shot past me. I shook my head and chuckled to myself ""you won't get there any faster mate"" when an angry voice on the radio interrupted me: ""put your foot down dickhead that's the second time he's lapped you now!""" +42565,2,My waitress today had a black eye.. So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen +42566,2,When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth... That will be the last straw. +42567,2,TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties. Great idea; terrible execution. +42568,6,"An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife... He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, ""That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."" As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, ""No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."" Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, ""What is it you are waiting for?"" She answered, ""THE TEETH!""" +42569,0,I applied to be a model for Calvin's I hope they don't deKlein. +42570,0,NSFW: Why would I not vote for Bernie Sanders Because he is BS. +42571,0,Voting is just like driving... Choose 'R' to go backward and 'D' to go forward. +42572,5,"-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor? -Yes, I am, mum! -But he could be your father! -Age does not matter, mum! -That's not what I meant." +42573,0,What's the difference between Sony and Nintendo fans? Sony fans get triggered when their game gets trashed. ​ Nintendo fans get triggered by a 7 out of 10. +42574,0,"Life is like sex... If you're going to succeed, things are going to be hard." +42575,0,"One night, I dreamt that I ate the most delicious steak in the world. Two weeks later, I woke up in the hospital with my right hand bandaged up and all my fingers on it missing." +42576,5,I wasn't sure if my friend was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period... ...but then I caught him red-handed. +42577,0,What does Gucci say when it's cold outside? It's fucking cold +42578,0,"Tw0 muffins were in an oven one day... It was 400 degrees. The first muffin turns to the other one and says, ""Jesus Christ it's fucking hot in here."" The other muffin turns and shouts, terrified: [""AHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"" ](#s)" +42579,1,Yo mamma so fat.. Thanos had to snap twice. +42580,3,"Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down. As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short. Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger. The Pope says ""madam, you have 6 children at home, take a pack and go"", and she went. He turns to Tom Hanks, ""you bring joy and laughter in a good way to people, go and continue"", and he went, crying. Lastly he turns to Lebron and says, ""so many young impressionable minds look up to you, take a pack and go, the Lord will guide me. Lebron smiles and says ""fuckin idiot trump grabbed my gym bag, lets go"". And the Pope replied, ""Ive always liked your version best King James.""" +42581,1,"There's this woman who goes to her doctor... There's this woman who goes to her doctor and says, ""Kiss me."" The doctor says, ""I can't, that would be unprofessional."" The woman pleads, ""Kiss me!"" The doctor again refuses. The woman again demands, ""Kiss me!"" The doctor says, ""I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now!"" From Key and Peele " +42582,0,Genie visits a guy sleeping and tells him he has just one wish Guy anxiously tells him that he wants his weenie to touch the floor and the genie goes pooof! Next morning when the man wakes up his feet have become tiny! +42583,0,Why did the onion cry? It was cutting itself +42584,1,What's the best day to make a decision? Tuesday +42585,1,"It's only when you put on some weight, you realize that very few people actually fat-shame. The majority just fat-ignore." +42586,0,My buddy ate some undercooked chicken and was later visited by an Amish couple.... Sam and Ella +42587,1,"A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, ""Oh, about 3 days ago."" and her dad bursts into the room yelling, ""I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"" " +42588,0,"I was at a bar with an Irish man named Patrick... After we've had a few drinks Patrick starts opening up and talking to me Patrick: Ay lad, ya know people 'round here don't think of me too well Me: Why's that He moves to another train of thought Patrick: Lad, ya see that farm o'er yonder Me: Yes... Patrick: I built that farm with me bare hands... yet do folks know me as Patrick the farm builder. They do not Then a drink later Patrick: Lad, ya see that bridge o'er yonder Me: I do Patrick: I built that bridge with me bare hands... Yet do they know me as Patrick the architect. They do not... A drink later Patrick: I've accomplished all this lad and they do not know as a farm builder or an architect... But ya fuck on goat..." +42589,0,Lately every post on /r/Jokes has become a pun in the English language :( It's not pun anymore. +42590,0,"So Hitler and Eichmann were in a bar... Hitler says ""Hey Eichmann, I have this great plan to save Germany! I'm going to kill six-million Jews and one donkey." +42591,0,for those who received a book from me this Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow. +42592,9,I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick. +42593,0,"What is easy to register for, but something you never want? Sex offender." +42594,2,My new neighbors are from a foreign country and refused to eat the yogurt I offered them. Pretty sure it's a cultural thing. +42595,4,Gay men are so mean. They're all fucking assholes. +42596,2,"A husband and wife are going for a divorce..... And the judge asks ""you have three children, how will you divide them?"" The couple go silent, they then take a moment to discuss among themselves. They then tell the judge they will be back next year once they have another child." +42597,2,"My girlfriend asked me if I fancied a quickie earlier.. ""Its pronounced 'quiche'"", I told her." +42598,1,My favourite sexual move is the JFK I splatter all over her face while she screams and tries to get out of the car +42599,1,Did you hear about the man who was hit with a pickaxe? He suffered miner injuries. +42600,2,Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? ‘Cos it’s dead +42601,1,Why are dogs bad at dancing? They have two left feet +42602,0,"I don't understand why people are so concerned about climate change, It's not like it's the end of the world Oh wait..." +42603,5,How many syllables does the word gloria have? Christians: 18 +42604,1,"Beauty is in the eye of the B. Holder Dr. Bartholomew Holder, my dentist, that man has the most beautiful eyes you'll ever seen." +42605,2,What does a Redditor name his dog? Opie. +42606,5,"Minecraft is Racist Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water--they can't swim. " +42607,1,Where is the best place to trade Cattle? At the swap-meat +42608,2,Only one in four frogs is a leap frog... +42609,2,I tried to re-marry my ex-wife... But she figured out I was only after my money! +42610,1,What does a calculator say before you close it? Calc you later! +42611,0,Horse walks into a bar Bartender: “Why the long face?” +42612,5,"I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny. Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive." +42613,1,Why does Donald Trump always oversleep? Fake Snooze. +42614,2,What do you call a sink full of mayonnaise? *Sink o de mayo.* +42615,0,Q: what happened when the man tried to catch fog? A:he mist +42616,0,"What did the pirate say when he went into cardiac arrest? #ARRR, ME HEART!" +42617,0,I invented a new joke I invented a new word Plagiarism. +42618,0,"With national party nominations coming And the amount of political posts I see on Facebook, I just wanted to add my two cents. It seems a lot of people favor the ""anti-establishment"" lately. Whether it be Bernie Sanders, an independent running on the Democratic ticket, or Donald Trump, a converted liberal running on the Republican ticket, nobody wants to support the either party's ideal running candidate. It seems as though people are sick of both Democrats and Republicans, and thus it weighs heavily on me to say this. I firmly support the two party system. I personally have been supporting this my entire life. It is the only way to allow enough time for everyone to enjoy. A party on both Friday and Saturday is truly the solution this country needs." +42619,2,"Anesthesia A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, ""You're beautiful."" Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, ""You're cute."" Startled, she asked him, ""What happened to beautiful?"" ""The drugs are wearing off,"" he replied. " +42620,1,Why are Italy out of the World Cup? They didn't pasta ball good enough. +42621,2,"For some reason, im friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet . I just dont know why" +42622,2,My dogs chase people on bikes Never get your dogs from the circus +42623,0,"A bartender is cleaning his bar one day when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head. The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head. The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life. “Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?” So the man told his story. “A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes. “For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there. ��For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. “For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head.” Edit: There seems to be some genuine confusion here, but that's all there is to it. The joke is that he asked for an orange for a head, and also that that's literally what it is, no twists or wordplay involved. Aka anti-joke. Sometimes life be like that." +42624,0,What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Smells like carrots +42625,0,I don't why I always confuse Michael McDonald with Phil Collins Either I keep forgetting or I don't remember +42626,0,What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile. +42627,0,Are pictures allowed? Mhm +42628,3,A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it It had a gluten tag. +42629,0,"This is funny right? I have no jokes. No jokes in my possession. Jokes, I don’t ha- GODDAMNIT JIMMY, STOP THROWING PUDDING CUPS AT ME" +42630,0,What's E.T. short for? 'Cause he got little legs. +42631,6,"A racist man walks into a bar... He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, ""I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."" As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, ""another round for everyone except that same man."" As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, ""Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?"" The bartender then replies, ""Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place.""" +42632,2,Why ants can't speak? It's because they are mutants. +42633,2,"A Shetland Pony goes to the Doctor and says, ""Doctor, I don't feel well."" The Doctor says, ""Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say AAAHHH."" The Shetland Pony obliges. He opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue and with a raspy croaky voice says AAAHHH. The Doctor says, ""There's no need to worry. You're just a little hoarse.""" +42634,0,What do you call a bus in America? a USB +42635,1,"My father was discussing the costs of a quadruple bypass surgery with the doctor. When he heard they would be charging for each incision, he said ""What kind of cut rate operation is this?""" +42636,4,"I was buying condoms and the clerk asked me if I wanted a bag. I responded, ""no thanks, she's not that ugly""" +42637,2,What do 'Game of Thrones' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common? Icy dead people +42638,0,"You know, I used to be a innocent boy. When I heard the word ""sexist"" on television... I thought they were bad people who had a lot of sex and worshiped sex. I guess it was the opposite..." +42639,0,"Two manga nerds get into a fight... The first man kicks the second in the shins, twice. The second man just stands there, doing nothing, without a care in the world. The first man says “Give me all you’ve got!” The second man responds: “I can’t give you very much, I’m not skilled in karate, the best I can give you is One Punch, Man.”" +42640,1,Female human sex drive through the ages: 18-28: tri-annually 28-38: try annually 38+: try anal +42641,1,"(OC) Why don’t Canadians participate in international spelling bees? Because the judges say they use too many letters, eh?" +42642,5,What do you call it when Batman decides not to go to church? Christian Bale +42643,1,Why did the lighter blush? Because it saw a cigarette butt +42644,1,"Guy in an oncologist's office gets the bad news about his wife ""So,"" the doctor says, ""her treatment's not going well. You might find it a bit of a shock when you come in. Try to be as natural as possible."" He squeezes the man's shoulder in sympathy. They come in together into her room and she's lying in bed weak and disheveled. ""How you doing, Sally?"" The man asks in an upbeat voice. ""Oh, Rog, it's just awful. I got these sores, everything hurts everywhere, and just look at my hair!"" She reaches up and pulls a clump out to show him. The man stood dumbfounded not knowing what to say. After a time too long the doc ribbed him with an elbow and gave an urgent look. ""Well,"" he paused. ""At least I don't have to pay the hairdresser no more."" " +42645,0,Why did the polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride. +42646,3,"The other day a Cop pulled me over... After asking for my documentation he said, ""your eyes seem a bit red, have you been doing drugs?"" To which I replied, ""well now sir your eyes seem a bit glazed, have you been eating donuts?"" We both laughed and laughed some more! I need bail money!" +42647,6,Did you know that if you play Despacito backward you can hear the devil? But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Despacito +42648,1,Why are hairdressers never late for work? They know all of the short cuts! +42649,0,Is your refrigerator running? cause I'd rather vote for it instead of these two +42650,1,Why are so many ships registered to sail out of the Bahamas? Because if they sailed in to the Bahamas they would crash +42651,2,Is it normal if One of my testicles hangs lower than the other two? +42652,1,Manager: So why do you think you can become a good waiter Me: You could say I bring a lot to the table +42653,1,What do you call an Asian Prostitute? An Ori-Rental. +42654,1,"You know the people who find it very important to correct you when you make a typo? They no longer like to be called ""Grammar Nazis."" They prefer instead ""Alt-Write.""" +42655,2,What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium +42656,0,What's the similarity between an Antivaxxer and falling sleep? They're both a no-brainer. +42657,2,What happened to the Knight who lost his legs in battle? He was de-feeted +42658,0,Where do Muslim dwarfs go to pray? The mosquito. +42659,3,"A farmer has three daughters. A boy knocks on the door and says ""I'm Eddie and I'm here to take Betty for spaghetti."" The farmer calls Betty and she goes on her date with the young man. Another boy knocks on the door and says to the farmer ""I'm Joe and I'm here to take Flo to the show"". The farmer calls Flo downstairs and the two go to the show. A third boy then knocks on the front door and says ""I'm Chuck..."" and the farmer shoots him. " +42660,5,"I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly. " +42661,1,"General Custer drove his army all the way across Nebraska . . . At one point he came to a big hill. He sent a scout up there to look around and tell him what he could see. The scout came back and said, ""Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news."" Custer said, Well tell me the bad news!"" ""Sir, we are about to be slaughtered by 6000 Indians."" Custer blurted, ""Well what can the good news be?!!!"" The scout replied, ""Hey! At least we don't have to go back through Nebraska!""" +42662,1,I've heard a lot about how important 'the wheel' was for civilization But I think it's time to recognize 'the shovel' for being the ground-breaking invention that it is. +42663,1,"Did you hear of the Man who got thrown off the plane? He just said ""hi"" to his friend Jack" +42664,5,Two fish sitting in a tank One said to the other I have no idea how to drive this thing +42665,5,"Politics is like driving No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron." +42666,1,"A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab" +42667,0,"Was walking with my brother up the country road, and we passed a hedgehog. Poor thing was flattened... I guess it just wasn't sonic enough." +42668,2,"There are three fourth graders, a white boy, a black boy, and an asian boy. Who have the biggest dick? The black kid. Cause he's 21. People here get butthurt by the simplest jokes. Good lord." +42669,1,"The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires. “I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”" +42670,3,"Lets hear your best ""Yo momma"" joke Yo mamma's so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two trips" +42671,1,What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced! +42672,0,"You The joke is you. You're the joke ^^^^^^^^^^^as ^^^^^^^^^^^is ^^^^^^^^^^^OP's ^^^^^^^^^^^mom, ^^^^^^^^^^^OP, ^^^^^^^^^^^and ^^^^^^^^^^^everyone ^^^^^^^^^^^else, ^^^^^^^^^^^we ^^^^^^^^^^^are ^^^^^^^^^^^all ^^^^^^^^^^^jokes" +42673,0,"I really dont like incels seriously, fuck those weirdos" +42674,0,A man disappoints his salad The salad said he lettuce down. +42675,7,"A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest.. ""I had an affair with a woman... almost."" The priest says, ""What do you mean, almost?"" The man says, ""Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."" The priest says, ""Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."" The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, ""I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"" The man replies, ""Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in.""" +42676,1,I hear Bill Cosby likes Pudding Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.  +42677,3,How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it +42678,2,"A lawyer dies and goes to heaven He gets to the gate and sees Saint Pete. No fair the lawyer says, I am only 45. Saint Pete says no, we got a new system. We do it by billable hours, our system says you are 135" +42679,1,What happens to a sailor who stands too far aft? He gets a stern warning. +42680,1,We were eating dinner the other day when I noticed my brother was cutting his steak and stacking it up. I had to knock it over The stakes were just too high... +42681,4,"A man was about to get married There was only one problem: the bride's sister. She was always trying to be alone with him and seduce him. The day before the wedding, she called him to ger house to get some things ready for the wedding. There she told him: ""I love you. I want to have sex with you at least once before you marry my sister. I'll be waiting for you in my bedroom. Come in when you're ready."" He thought about it for a minute, and went outside and walked towards his car. There he met his soon-to-be father-in-law, who said: ""Congratulations, son, you passed our test. Now we know that you'll be a good husband, I'm glad my daughter is going to marry you."" Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your car." +42682,2,"I once met a homeless man ... And we had a small conversation. He said: ""Every time there's a public marathon, I participate."" I replied: ""Wow. You seem like a very active and sportive man despite being homeless."" He instantly said: ""Nah, I just walk the whole race to get free water bottles.""" +42683,5,"Jesus said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword Seeing as how he was a carpenter who died by being nailed to a piece of wood, I think he was onto something." +42684,1,"One day a man walks in a bar He sees a sign that says ""Free beer to anyone that can make this donkey laugh"" So the man walked outside and a few minutes later he walked back inside the bar and asked the bartender for his free drink. A couple of weeks later he came back to the bar and seen a new sign which said ""If you can make this donkey stop laughing you can have a free beer"" So the man walked outside and a few minutes later he came back into the bar and asked for his free drink. The bartender said ""ok, but first I half to ask you how did you make the donkey laugh and stop laughing? The man replied with ""The first time I told him I had a bigger dick than him and the second time I showed him!!!""" +42685,0,..Yesterday I went into the Medicine cabinet and downed half a bottle of pills! I still can't figure how to get out.. +42686,2,Why are men always happy when their wife are in labor? It's the most painful experience of her life and she can't make him do it. Edit: spelling. +42687,1,Facebook is creating a dating site They should call it DataFarmersOnly +42688,1,Michigan is the First State to Welcome Back Sub-$1 Gas Just flip on your water faucet and you'll get it for free +42689,0,Reddit Gold is like a high paying job Everyone wants it but nobody puts in any work for it +42690,0,"Chemist 1, to his hard of hearing friend: ""Do you want some sodium, bro? Mate?"" Chemist 2: ""NaBrO""" +42691,0,To save a tree... Eat a beaver. +42692,1,"So I got a gun for my wife, Best trade I ever had. (Friend joke not mine lol)" +42693,0,What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip +42694,3,"When Thanos snaps... Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now. Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!" +42695,4,"I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was... It wrote thousands of other words!" +42696,0,"2 Marines have been stuck in a foxhole in Afghanistan for weeks together... One of the Marines jumps up and says I can't take it anymore I haven't had sex in over 6 months. Without another word he takes off running through the desert. About 3 hours goes by and he returns to his buddy in the foxhole who asks him what happened. He replied... When I left here within 15 minutes I found me a little Brown girl, And and I fucked her in the pussy, Then I flipped her over and fucked her in her ass. His buddy asked did she give you a blow job? He replied No... I couldn't find her head!" +42697,2,"“Dude, you’ve got a henway on your neck!” “What’s a henway?” “About three pounds”" +42698,3,Why did the chicken stare at a piece of lettuce? Because chicken sees a salad. +42699,1,What do Monica Lewinsky and NFL players both have in common? It's their knees that go first. +42700,1,I'm fed up hearing about people mugging O.A.P's for a couple of pounds. Pensioners should be made to carry a tenner at least. +42701,1,The water is evaporating. It shall be mist. +42702,1,"A priest had been very loyal and humble his entire life and began earnestly speaking out loud to God. He said, ""Lord, I've been good and have followed your word, and I expect nothing in return, but if you feel gracious enough, I have a request."" A blinding shiny light appeared before the priest and before him stood God. ""What is it I can do for you my child?"" He asked terrifyingly. ""God, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I've never flown and am afraid to. I would really like it if there were a bridge so I could drive over there on my next vacation."" God responded,""I can do that. I can. But it would really take away from all this beauty I have spent all this time creating. Is there anything else you would rather have?"" The priest thought for a second and said,""Actually, I would like a fully functional reddit search function."" God quickly responded,""Did you want that bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?""" +42703,3,The band 4 Non Blondes changed their name to 3 Non Blondes... Because the 4th one dyed. +42704,3,Yo mama so fat We are all sincerely concerned for her health +42705,0,Stop & Shop has merged with A&P The new name is Stop & P +42706,1,"I told my dad I felt tired. ""There's a nap for that.""" +42707,1,Apparently when colleges say they want a well rounded person They don't mean in the stomach area +42708,0,Why couldn't G-Unit ride the bus? Because they didn't have 50cent +42709,2,"Why can’t Horses work in Congress? Because they only ever vote, “NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH” " +42710,0,The real reason men make more than women on average. Men are expected to give up half his as soon as he walks through the door. +42711,1,What's a cats favorite Mexican dish? A purr-rito +42712,4,A book just fell on my head.... I guess I've only got my shelf to blame... +42713,1,What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah! +42714,2,People with osteoporosis have pretty hard lives. You know what isn't hard? Their bones. +42715,1,"Lucky Harry Harry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, “Why are you so happy?” Harry says, “I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks.” A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he’s skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, “You win at Bingo again?” Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I’m feeling so damn lucky that I think I’m going to ask that new Indian girl in Accounting out on a date.” The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, “Did you win another lottery?” Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. You know that Indian girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she’s giving me the best blowjob I ever had.” One of his co-workers says, “Man, are you frigging lucky.” Harry says, “No, no, it’s better than that. She’s blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it…and I won another ten grand.” " +42716,3,"Email from God God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, ""Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."" God thought for a moment and said, ""Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."" So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, ""Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."" God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either" +42717,3,"A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery... He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, ""My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?""The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk."" Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, ""We can't tell you. You're not a monk.""The man sa,ys, ""If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.""The monks reply, ""You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.""The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.""In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.""The monks reply, ""Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.""The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, ""The sound is beyond that door.""The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, ""This is the last key to the last door.""The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk." +42718,0,My mom bought a Honda because her name is Rhonda +42719,1,"I called the swimming baths today... Me: *""Hi, is this the local pool?""* Guy on the phone: *""Depends where you're calling from""*" +42720,6,"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooooooooo!" +42721,0,I just got back from my trip to Afghanistan! It was the bomb! +42722,0,Why did Judas carve the turkey? [Because he likes to stab things in the back](#s) +42723,2,Wheres the safest to be after a murder? A casket. +42724,0,What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay $600 to have a garbanzo bean on my face. +42725,4,If the US switched from pounds to kilograms... It would cause mass confusion. +42726,0,How do you know when your sister is on her period? when your dad's dick tastes like blood +42727,0,Why do chickens go to church? To get to the other side +42728,4,What happens when you hit a Jewish guy? Hebrewses +42729,2,"An oak tree walks into a bar. Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves. " +42730,1,New book! Population of China By Wefuckem Young +42731,0,They say hindsight’s 20/20 But I always have to turn around +42732,1,Insane people on rollerblades are a threat They are always on an unstable platform. +42733,1,"Donald Trump is taking questions from journalists on his last day in office. One journalist asks him, ""President Trump, do you have a final thing to say to the American people as our president?"" Trump then looks into the camera, bows deeply, and yells, ""THE ARISTOCRATS!""" +42734,2,A bear walks into a bar A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Bartender: What can I get you? Bear: Can I get a ......................................………………..........................................................................................................................................................beer. Bartender: What's with the big paws? +42735,0,Someone asked me what mystery means I told him it is a mystery. +42736,5,Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito byte. +42737,2,It’s always nice to wake up to a blowjob in the morning Unless you are in prison +42738,2,What did 20 do when he got hungry? 28 +42739,1,"I have a pen that can write underwater It can also write ""blatant repost"" too." +42740,4,Chocolate is female It uses her/she pronouns +42741,1,"Imagine if a serial killer would name themselves The Suspense Everytime they kill someone, the victim would say ""The Suspense is killing me"". " +42742,2,I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook. +42743,3,"On the morning of my sixteenth birthday, my parents decided to surprise me with a car. But they missed." +42744,3,Man and Wife Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” Friend: “Why not?” Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.” +42745,2,What do you call it when 2 Southern people betray each other? Betra-y'all +42746,5,"What is a pirates least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading. Thank you, and have a nice day." +42747,1,"A man crashed landed his plane in the middle of the desert and after trudging on for days he was nearly finished, but stumbled upon a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp a genie popped out and said, ""Master you have three wishes, but I'm a special genie. For everything you wish for your mother in law will get double."" The man thought a moment but replied that would be fine as he had a great relationship with his mother in law. First he wished to be at home, with a giant mansion and a fleet of sports cars. The genie granted his wish, reminding the man that his mother in law now had a mansion twice as big, and double the number of sportscars. The man just smiled, reminding the genie that he loved his mother in law, and this didn't bother him in the slightest. Next the man wished for 100 billion dollars, and the genie clapped his hands and stated there was now 100 billion dollars in the vault, but again reminded the man that now his mother in law now had 200 billion dollars in her doubly large vault. Laughing the man just waved the reminder away, stating he was not worried his mother in law was getting double. Then the man made his last wish, ""Genie, for my last wish - I want you to beat me half to death.""" +42748,0,"After I lost my life savings on Walk Street, I had to take stock." +42749,0,"The Pearly Gates and the Brothers Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive. St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said ""Wait here. I will be right back."" St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Pete: ""How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"" St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says ""Well, they're gone."" ""Who. The black guys?"" asked God. ""No. The Gates."" " +42750,2,What is Hitler's favourite type of pizza? The Hollow Crust. +42751,0,What would King T'challas be if he had asthma? The Black Pant-tha. +42752,2,How much does a Hipster weigh? one Instagram +42753,4,"Success A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in. He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: ""Take me or climb higher to success"" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her. We all know what men really want and it's disgusting; success... hence the man climbs the stairs to be greeted by even a more delicate beauty. ""Take me or climb higher to success!"" she also exclaims gesturing at the stairs behind her. The man proceeds. Our hero climbs two more stairs, refusing a more beautiful woman's affection and moving on ""to success"". At last after the last set of stairs he's grabbed by a hulking beast of a man, buck-naked save for his loincloth. Struggling, our hero exclaims: ""Who the hell are you?!"" Forcing him down on his knees the hulking guy responds: ""I'm Cess!"" *Edit: Non-native English speaker on the phone.. sorry about errors, fixed all I could find.*" +42754,2,Why did Jimmy miss the bus? He wasn't aiming well enough +42755,3,What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea Brave fart +42756,0,"The Quandary The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people: Becky or Jack. It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the next morning. Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, ""Becky, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."" ""Could you jack off?"" she said. ""I feel like shit."" " +42757,0,"Oh my God, Jesus is back! ...and he is PISSED!" +42758,4,If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had... Does money even matter? +42759,0,What's a mailman's favorite color? Depends on the guy. +42760,1,What did the buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. +42761,0,Did you hear about the epileptic Roman? [](/badjoke) He had a Caesar. +42762,2,"Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock." +42763,0,How's the oil industry doing these days? It's in the tank. +42764,1,"10 inch BIC Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies ""Yes I do!"" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies ""Oh I have a personal genie."" The first man asks ""Can I make a wish? "" Sure says the other man ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Ok I will"" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says "" I want a Million Bucks "" The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other "" Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"" The other man replies ""I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"" " +42765,0,"a man walks into a bar everyone notices his hands are really weird. He keeps them rigid and unmoved, very close to his chest, with his fingers equally rigid and spread out and curled up in various directions. He clearly has a disability of some kind. So he goes up to the counter and asks the bartender for an espresso. After receiving it he asks the bartender: ""sorry again, mate, but can you please...uhm...you know...put some sugar in it for me?"" as he says this he looks down at his hands. The bartender immediately realizes he can't do it himself, and says ""oh, of course sir."" and puts some sugar into it. The man asks him again ""uhm, really sorry to bother you once more bartender, but can you please help me sip it?"" The bartender feels a little uncomfortable, but out of the goodness of his heart helps the poor disabled man drink the espresso. Shortly after, the man needs to use the restroom. He asks the person next to him: ""Sir, I'm sorry to ask, but I really need someone to help me use the restroom. You know... I can't do it myself."" The person next to him obviously finds it weird and uncomfortable, but as a good citizen decides to help the guy. So after helping him fish out the sausage and do his business, they exit the bathroom and the disabled man exits the bar. Everyone watches him walk out, thinking to themselves what a poor guy he must be with such a problem in his life. When he's outside he stops for a second, looks up at the morning sun, stretches his arms very widely and says loudly and with relief: ""Aaahhhh, today I don't feel like doing shit.""" +42766,0,"Why does no one get ice cream in space? Because in space, no one can hear you scream. " +42767,4,What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. +42768,1,"ASMR YouTubers see someone absolutely stunning They be like ""yeah I'd tap dat"" " +42769,3,Goddam it what was the name of that Nirvana album? Ah nevermind +42770,3,You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian. You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian. You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian. You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber. You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular children's character. You are Babar's barred Barbar bar barbarian barber. You get a bad case of bone spurs. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber. You get a side job as a singer. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard. You were named after your parents favorite Beach Boys song. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard Barbara Ann. +42771,1,The sex robot I entered into the school science fair came last. It did not go down well. +42772,1,The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach ... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery. +42773,0,A new highly intelligent species of dinosaur has been discovered by archaeologists. It will be named *thesaurus*. +42774,0,I made a shirt out of thumbtacks so I could look sharp... ...But everyone said it was just tacky. +42775,2,So I asked my North Korean friend about his country. He said he couldn't complain +42776,1,What's Bruce Lee's Favorite Drink? Waaaaatttaaaaaaa!!! +42777,2,"they say people see a white light before they die, but you know what deer see? Two white lights." +42778,3,"I couldnt believe it. Tears rolled down my eyes as I said, 'Its a boy' That was when I decided to leave Thailand and never return" +42779,0,"A brand new Russian joke It tuned out that a Chinese trying to break into the Kremlin, claming that he lives there, is a time treveller from the future." +42780,3,How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany? Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny. How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland? Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny. +42781,3,"A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, ""Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"" The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, ""Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"" The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.Finally giving up, he said, ""The only thing I can smell is molasses."" " +42782,2,"My grandmother was born under the sign of Cancer, which is ironic because last week she actually got killed by a giant crab." +42783,0,I used to be an overexplainer but then there was an incident +42784,0,What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics? A new-clear physicist +42785,5,"Two cows are eating grass in a field The first turns to the second and says ""Moooooo"" The second turns to the first and says ""I was just about to say that""" +42786,1,What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons? Kong-fu +42787,0,"There is 3 types of people in this world... People who are good at maths, and people who aren't." +42788,0,I was just smacked by a Neopolitan woman I don't know why. All I said is that I'd love to see her Naples. +42789,6,"A couple is trying to have a kid they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: ""Gentlemen, you cannot be serious.""" +42790,1,"A man walks in a bar with two black eyes His friend asks him ""how did you get two black eyes?"" The man replied "" There was a lady in front of me in church with her dress in her crack, when I tried to pull it out she punched me right in the eye"" His friend then asked him ""But how did you get the second black eye"" The man said ""She gave it to me when I tried to put it back in""" +42791,6,"“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week. ""Wonder Man"" earned $400 million for doing the same job." +42792,0,How do you know if a feminist is getting married? She goes to get her armpits braided... +42793,3,"“Alexa, turn on CNN. I want to hear the news.” “You’ll have to pick one or the other.”" +42794,2,"One man to another: ""Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"" The other says: ""I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!""" +42795,3,I just found out Yoda's last name. It's Layheehoo. +42796,4,"A young man, who fell in love with this beautiful princess always wished to be her lover, but being the poor peasant that he is, he didn't believe he could do so. One day though, he found a mysterious lamp dug somewhere near the ground. He has heard a lot about the legends of genies and believed that rubbing it, might just be the answer to all his wishes. He then proceeded to rub the lamp, where he thought a genie would show up from, but instead though...a genie didn't show up. What came out was a young looking tiger that flew out of the lamp and told him: ""Ask me any question, and I'll answer truthfully."" The man, shocked by this event, was a bit shaken, but since he was already determined to do whatever he could to win the princess's heart, he then proceeded to ask the tiger how he can win the heart of the princess. The tiger, hearing his question, nodded and answered him with a wise and serious expression: ""Truthfully.""" +42797,1,What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaay~ +42798,0,"Titswobble the dog A lady had a dog called titswobble (perhaps you can guess where this is going) and titswobble got lost. The lady asked a policeman ""Excuse me, have you seen my titswobble""?. The policeman replied ""No lady, but I sure would like to""! boom boom" +42799,2,I'm getting my Darth Vader shaped mole checked out. I'm concerned because it's on the dark side. +42800,2,"[Long] A man brings his pit bull to a bar And he says ""I bet everyone in here $500 my dog can beat your dog in a fight!"" And so, a dozen or so men leave the bar for a few minutes. Once they come back, they're equipped with their money and their dogs, ready to see the challenge through. One by one, they bring their dogs to fight. They've got Great Danes, Rottweilers, Mastiffs, the lot. And one by one, the pit bull takes beats them, leaves them whimpering messes. Eventually, an old man approaches the pit bull's owner. ""I'll bet you $5000 my dog can beat yours"" The first man takes a look at the challenger's canine, and it's hideous. A disgusting brown, bow-legged mess. ""You're on"" And so, the two dogs fight. After about five seconds, the pit bulls absolutely destroyed, torn limb from limb. ""Well, fair is fair, here's your $5000. What sort of dog is that, if you don't mind me asking?"" ""Before I cut his tail off and gave him a nose job, he was an alligator""" +42801,4,"I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said “Don’t worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.”" +42802,3,"A dog goes in to a saloon. He's wearing a 6 gun and a black hat, and his front foot is bandaged. He limps up to the bartender and says, ""I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.""" +42803,4,A man robs a bank. Robber: Give me all your money or you're geography! Employee: Don't you mean history? Robber: Don't change the subject... +42804,0,"you know some of the transports for ST-6 for the attack on Bin Laden were from Area 51? Ask any of them, they’ll tell you the ride was out of this world." +42805,8,Life lesson You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited) +42806,1,"I'm hungry! says your sister... ""Hi Hungry, I'm Dad"" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, ""I'm fucking hungry!""" +42807,1,True Evil - Mathematical Proof We have all heard the saying that Time is money. We also know that Girls take time and money. There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil. Thus if my math is correct... Time = Money Girls = Time x money = Money^2 Money =√Evil Thus by power of substitution... Girls = Evil Girls are evil. Edit: Formatting +42808,1,What's an owl's favorite rock band? Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game. +42809,2,I sometimes do stand-up comedy for a leper colony. My jokes have them all cracking up. +42810,2,I have a really great construction joke... ... but I haven’t finished it yet. +42811,0,"I Just went gift shopping in germany for the 2nd time. unfortunately, all my friends are dead after the first" +42812,3,"Don't ever get abducted by someone with an ear fetish. NSFW Eventually, you'll end up with hearing aids." +42813,3,"What do you call someone that had great potential in highschool, but now has no friends, no career aspirations, and is satisfied with a menial job? Idk what others would say, but I know my dad is refusing to call me ""son""" +42814,3,What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell +42815,0,"What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved." +42816,0,"Ice van drivers fight Came across two ice van drivers fighting. One got to the point of threatening the other with a hammer, the other pulled out a magnum. " +42817,2,Did you hear about the doctor who became a cop? He made sure everyone got their shots. +42818,0,"John's coach decided to let him play as quarterback for the upcoming football game. The day before the game, he was walking across the street, and when he got to the other side, he realized he had dropped a quarter. He tried to retrieve the quarter on the road, but got hit by a truck and died. ​ He never got his quarterback." +42819,1,"A Soviet Jew finally got an exit visa to Israel. He packs his stuff and one of the things he takes with him is a giant painting of the General Secretary. At the border, the Soviet customs officer asks him: ""Why would you take such a painting with you to Israel""? The Jew answers: ""If I get homesick in Israel, I just take at the painting of our great leader and all will be fine."" Later, at the border control in Israel, the customs officer asks him: ""Why the devil would you take a painting of this scumbag with you to Israel?!"" The oleh chadash answers him: ""If I should ever got homesick, I'll just have to look at this painting and I'll remember what my real home is."" After some time, a friend visits the oleh in his apartment and asks: ""What's this painting of the General Secretary doing here?"" He answers him: ""Who gives a shit who's on the painting, the frame is solid gold!"" " +42820,2,"A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden. The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says ""They look so calm, they must be British!"" The Frenchmen responds ""no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"" The Russian says ""They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!""" +42821,1,Hell cant be so bad. Enough people are dying to get there. +42822,2,Yo momma so fat... Her Myers-Briggs type is PBNJ. +42823,1,"A bull notices a spider on a cow’s back He tells the cow, “don’t moo.”" +42824,0,"Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today? ""No."" Better luck tomorrow." +42825,0,john was on the 71st floor of wtc on 9/11 what was the last thing going through his mind? the 72nd floor +42826,0,"Can you name a color that doesn't have the letter ""e"" in it? " +42827,5,"Two nuns painting a room... Two nuns are painting a room, they realize that they could accidentally get paint on their habits so they decide to take a preventative measure. They decide to take off their clothes and paint in the nude. Before they do so they lock the door. A few hours later there is a knock at the door, ""who is it?"" Says a nun. A man responds, I'm the blind man. One nun looks at the other nun and says well it's only a blind man I guess we don't have to put our habits back on. The nun unlocks and opens the door. Then Dave says ""nice tits where do you want the blinds?""" +42828,2,Why did the cow starve to death? Because a vegan ate its food. +42829,1,"A man walks into a bar... He sees a very attractive woman a few seats to his right. He walks over and asks, ""Hello, what's your name?"" She smiles and replies, ""My name is Carmen"" ""Wow what a pretty name!"" The man says. Carmen explains, ""Well that's not my real name.. I named myself after the two things I love most in the world: Cars and Men!"" She then asks the man, ""Anyway, what's your name?"" The man thinks a moment and replies, ""Well, my name is Bj Titsandgolf."" " +42830,1,How many reindeer were left after Santa got stranded in the mountains? Only one. Donner ate the rest. +42831,1,"Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps your memory significantly. I wish you all a Happy 2015." +42832,2,Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game? In case she got a hole in one! +42833,1,Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows. +42834,0,"Joke (probably quite bad...) :P Somewhere far far away, there is a training centrum for terrorists. One day a student was starting his training. After a while his trainer walked up to him. The trainer gave him an exercise, and said that he would get a rating on how he did it. The student did the exercise quite well, and the trainer said: Wow! That was amazing! I would rate it 9/11!!!" +42835,1,How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't they just beat the room for being black. +42836,2,Millennials don't get this... Low college tuition rates. +42837,0,My mom said she is going Indiana. I said: That's gross mom I don't want to hear about your sex life. +42838,2,What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted +42839,9,"White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class." +42840,0,Why couldn’t Jack sleep at night? Because the beanstalk. +42841,0,What is Captain Kirk's least favorite 20th century car theft movie? Gorn in 60 Seconds +42842,5,What happens when you call a duck? His phone wings +42843,3,How does electrician turn down services He refuses it. +42844,2,"A man with heart problems wins 100 million dollars A group of his friends are the only people who know about this and they debate how they should tell him, considering that due to his condition such a sudden news might cause his heart to stop because of joy. So they decide that the most calm person in the group would go tell him. The friend goes to the hospital and start talking with the man about money, prizes, and stuff like that slowly preparing him for the news. When he finally tells the man, the man replies: ""Wow, Thanks buddy! It was really nice of you to mentally prepare me for the news, therefore I have decided that I will share the prize with you 50/50"". The friend couldn't handle the news and died of a cardiac arrest." +42845,0,Did you hear about the woman who invented the knock knock joke She won the Nobel prize +42846,2,Where do you write down stuff you never wanna do? NopePad. +42847,4,What does a cloud with an itchy rash do? Find the nearest skyscraper. +42848,3,"James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. “Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention. “Not so good,” says Harry. “Why, what happened?” James queries. “Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” “Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.” A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks. “Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.” “Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business. A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires. “Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!” Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.” This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. “Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?” James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”" +42849,2,"Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?” Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”" +42850,0,"Well, that escalated quickly . . . Said man on escalator." +42851,0,"You know you're with a gold digger if... You know you're with a gold digger if she says ""How much did you say your name was?""" +42852,0,My mother-in-law was terrified someone would mistake her as gay if she borrowed my rainbow colored jacket... ... I assured her after seeing the look on her face that no one would mistake her for someone who had been joyous for some time. +42853,1,Why did the maid move to the coast? Her job required some light house work. +42854,8,"A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!""" +42855,0,Today’s list of accomplishments. Saw the world’s most filled hole. Climbed the world’s most steepest wall. Drank the world’s biggest liter of water. And Learned to piss people off with fancily worded mundane accomplishments. +42856,0,Why can’t you behave loudly in the laundry? Because the washing powder is concentrated +42857,1,"Me: I hate all of the trash jokes in this sub. Friend: They're not trash, they're *recycle*." +42858,1,Have you watched the news lately? They say theres a mexican train killer on the loose. The authorities say he's got loco-motives. +42859,1,Pedophiles Are fucking immature assholes +42860,3,Why did the political theory class think their teacher was being unfair? He gave the whole class the same Marx +42861,0,"I overdosed on heroine I watched ""Wonder Woman"" five times in a row" +42862,1,"4 sons Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri. Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends." +42863,0,What's the difference between a golfer and a homophobic priest? One of them craves getting a hole in one. The other craves getting one in the hole. +42864,0,What do a vagina and a ten year old boy have in common? I'm not sure but I'm can't wait to find out. +42865,5,"What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill? Walking.... Jk, rolling" +42866,0,"(Happy Halloween) What's Black & White, and DEAD All Over? A zombie in a tuxedo!" +42867,0,"Did you know the Easter Bunny used to have a brother? Sadly, he became a Westeroast." +42868,1,Whats do you call it when you spoon with a midget? Backpacking. +42869,0,Did you hear about the prisoner who escaped after dismantling his cell? They say it was self defence. +42870,0,What breaks every time you give it to a toddler? Their pelvis. +42871,0,How did Ace of Base make water and salt? They went on tour with Ace of Acid. +42872,1,Why do you get an error when you look for today's date? Because your internet connection sucks. +42873,2,What do you do when your bicycle's wheels wear out? You retire it. +42874,0,Do you know why the Amish girl was ex-communicated? Two mennonite. +42875,0,"Political Correctness I know political correctness is a huge thing nowadays, but is it ok to say the word ""Retarred"" if I'm having my driveway paved over again?" +42876,5,The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I killed him The Judge gave me 80 years. Problem solved. +42877,1,You know you're old when you walk into a antique store And they start bidding on you. +42878,3,What does the mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit +42879,2,They say jokes lessen tragedy Is that why my parents became comedians after having me? +42880,3,When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep? When it is pasture bedtime. +42881,5,What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie? Its fucking FROZEN! +42882,7,My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex. So I dumped her. +42883,2,Why do gays make bad decisions? Because they're never thinking straight. +42884,1,Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop. +42885,0,Why does a gamer never have kids after watching Inception? Because contra-ception. +42886,0,What did the SCART say? Video ergo sum. +42887,0,"The prostitute in the Ritz-Carlton Moscow misheard Donald. It must have been because her English wasn't very good. Donald actually said to her ""You're an eight.""" +42888,2,Some would say I enjoy food puns too much... I would say I relish in them. +42889,2,Did you hear about the new Karma restaurant? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve. +42890,0,"Spell ""Me"" Okay..? ""M e."" me. You forgot ""D."" There's no ""D in me."" Not yet." +42891,0,What's Hillary Clinton's favorite musical? Bye Bye Bernie! +42892,0,"I was told the Highlander was stopping by a Mexican nightclub When I showed up to the party, there was only Juan." +42893,4,"Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead." +42894,1,"I asked my friend if he wanted to go see the Bohemian Rhapsody movie. He said, “Sure, but we need to get tickets. Can you do the Fandango?”" +42895,5,"A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”" +42896,1,"Two men are attempting to escape a mental asylum... their plan is simply to access the asylum's roof and hop from rooftop to rooftop until they reach freedom. On the night of their escape they make it to the roof and realize the distance to the next building is farther than they had anticipated. Never the less the first guy makes the jump easily and turns back to his companion. This guy though has a deadly fear of heights and refuses to leap that far. So the first man tells him ""Look I've got a flashlight with me, I'll just shine it across the gap and you can walk over on the beam of light!"" The second guy replies ""What do you think I am crazy?! You'll turn it off when I'm halfway across!""" +42897,0,What the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can’t peanut butter your dick up someone’s ass but you can jam it. +42898,3,"A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, ""What can I do for you?"" The man said, ""Will you watch us have sex?"" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, ""There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,"" and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, ""Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"" ""We're not trying to find out anything,"" the husband replied. ""She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare." +42899,1,The temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight Is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away +42900,0,"In Light of “Baby of Cold Outside, a family friend created this. This is a humorous post about how ridiculous some people are being!! “Since you decided to pull “Baby it’s Cold Outside” from its playlist because someone was offended, I feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well. Do so immediately. 1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn 2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation 3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances 4. White Christmas? Racist 5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker 6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression 7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying 8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben 9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail 10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman 11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired 12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow 13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse 14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day? 15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced partnership"" So much for peace on earth..." +42901,3,"What is long, hard, and has cum in it? A cucumber! " +42902,0,"Hillary Clinton walks into a bar ""Careful!"" exclaims her cellmate." +42903,6,"A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank ""Go to the back and give me everything you've got!"" the man says. The woman replies, ""Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."" ""I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"" The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples. ""Open one of those samples!"" The woman takes the lid off a sample. ""DRINK ONE!"" ""Excuse me? You want me to drink it?"" ""Yeah, drink it now!"" The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask and says: ""You see you can do it Wendy, you just don't want to.""" +42904,0,What do you call getting walked in on masterbating on your period Getting caught red handed! +42905,1,What was post office worker's sexuality She was attracted to mails +42906,3,What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking... Stop and apply lubrication +42907,0,"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and. . . . Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine.""" +42908,0,Your mama is so fat... If she falls she drops harder than Skrilex... +42909,3,"I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works. " +42910,0,Why do all bartenders hate Jesus Christ? Because all he orders is cups of water and then drinks for free. +42911,0,You are an analog girl... ....living in a dickgital world +42912,1,Life is like an Arab marriage You never know what you are gonna get +42913,1,"Guy walking into a bar... Guy walking into a bar and order 10 shots of tequila. Barman says ""what you celebrating?"" He replies ""first head job"" Barman replies ""ahh, next round is on me then."" To which he replies ""thanks mate. Anything to get the taste out of my mouth""" +42914,10,"Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. ""Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up"". Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, ""What do you do for a living?"" I’m a hit man,"" was the reply. ""You're joking!” was the response. ""No, I'm not,"" he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. ""Here are my tools."" That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, ""Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here"". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. ""Yeah, I can see my house all right. ""This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom"". ""Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"" ""I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."" ""Can you do two for me now?"" “Sure, what do you want?” ""First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."" The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you gonna do it or not?"" asked the friend impatiently. ""Just be patient,"" said the hit man calmly . . . . . ""I think I can save ya a grand here."" EDIT: Thank you kind stranger for the gold. It's my first and I really appreciate it!" +42915,0,What's the difference between Light and Hard? you can sleep with a Light-on +42916,0,"A masked man breaks into a sperm bank... Waving his gun, he yells to the woman minding the front desk ""open the vault!"". ""Sir, this is a sperm bank"" ""Shut up, lady! Just do as a I tell you!"" The woman begrudgingly goes in the back with the masked man and opens the cooler full of sperm specimens. ""Open one up!"" He yells. ""But sir \\-"" ""Just open it!"" he yells, reinforcing his command with a gun in her face. The woman opens the container. ""Drink it!"" he yells. ""Excuse me?!"" she says in astonishment. ""Just drink it!"" he yells again, waving the gun. She drinks it. ""Drink another!"" he commands. The woman grabs another from the cooler and drinks it. ""How was it?"" he asks. ""What? How was it?... Fine I guess.. kind of sweet..."" The gunman takes his mask off, revealing her husband's face. ""See?"" he says.. ""Was that all that difficult?""" +42917,2,Did you hear about the woman who sat down on a saw blade? Dis-assed her. Credit: my uncle +42918,1,How did Mary fall off the swing? She had no arms +42919,0,"[REQUEST] A joke about how to know who you are fighting I saw it on reddit recently and I remember just a small bit of it: ""How can you tell who you're fighting? Shoot two bullets over their head and see the response..."" And then there were two examples of Germans and French I think but the punch line was the Americans: ""you know they're Americans when you shoot at them and two minutes later an air strike shows up and blows up your entire position"". If anyone has the full joke, that would be great. " +42920,2,I love Fight Club! I showed up a little late so I missed the first few rules but I can't wait to go next week! +42921,0,"I was having sex with my girfriend last night and my condom broke So, what's Plan B?" +42922,1,"California should be known as the Granola State. It’s chock full of fruits, nuts, and flakes." +42923,0,"Babysitting Nightmare! I hired a babysitter to watch my kid and told her the child is sleeping so don’t go into their room and wake them up. A few hours later I arrived home and asked the babysitter how things went, “She said everything went good the kid never woke up or even made a sound.” I said, “That’s great. Could you do me a favor and go check on them?” A few seconds later she came back screaming, “The kids not there, their not in the bed it’s empty.” I ran to the room to check, with the babysitter following right behind me. Sure enough no one was in the room. We then checked everywhere. We both started freaking out. I asked her, “When was the last time you saw them?” “I never saw them, you told me not to go in the room and wake them up.” I said, “Ok, I’ll take of things from here you go home and try to get some rest.” She begrudgingly agreed and eventually went home. She called me the next day, and asked if I had found my child to which I replied, “Unfortunately they haven’t been found yet.” Several months passed and every day she would call, and ask the same question, and I would give the same answer, “Sorry they haven’t been found yet.” Until one day she stopped calling. I think the guilt was too much for her, and she couldn’t take the fact that the child. . . that she. . . was suppose to be watching, was never found. The funny thing is. . . I don’t have any kids." +42924,1,Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him… “I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.” +42925,2,"A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship... A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, ""Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you! The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. ""What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?"" barked the chief. ""Honest, chief,"" came the reply, ""I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!""" +42926,0,"My HOA is insisting I paint my house grey. I told them, ""My grandpa didn't kill nazis in the great war so he could come home and live in a cookie cutter bungalow!"" ""That's exactly WHAT he did but its not why he did it, goddamn it!""" +42927,2,What do Trump and lip stick have in common? Both make Hillary Clinton more attractive. +42928,1,"My wife said if women ruled the earth, there’d be no wars. Yes, i replied. “Wars require strategy and logic”" +42929,2,"My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9. That’s odd. " +42930,1,"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, ""First offender?"" She says, ""No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!""" +42931,2,Miss France just won Miss Universe The French finally won something. +42932,0,"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, the hard part is getting them in the lightbulb. " +42933,2,My wife is good in bed. She easily sleeps till 11am. +42934,5,I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing Serves him right +42935,2,Why do scuba divers fall backwards into water? Because if they fell forward they'd fall in the boat. +42936,2,Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste kinda funny. +42937,1,I watched a mystery movie about kitchenware. It was very saucepansful. +42938,0,When is a door not a door? When it's ajar +42939,6,I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday. And all he got me was an Amazon fire. +42940,2,What did the sushi roll say to the bee? Wasabi +42941,0,"Casino Money A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor: ""You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"" The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: ""I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."" The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: ""He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."" " +42942,2,I wish my ex was a WiFi network so I could forget her. +42943,2,"Little Johnny One day, Little Johnny went to his dad and said to him, ""Dad, when I grow up, I want to marry Grandma."" His dad replied, ""Johnny, you can't marry my mother!"" Johnny said to him ""But you married my mother. How is this any different?""" +42944,6,"A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo... ... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks: ""Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"" The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions. ""First!"" He says, ""I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"" ""Yes."" Says the zookeeper. ""Second!"" The janitor says, ""I don't want anyone to know about this!"" ""Alright"" says the zookeeper, ""And what's the third condition?"" ""I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars.""" +42945,2,"A priest and a rabbi are out walking... ... when they spot a young boy skinny dipping in the lake. The priest elbows the rabbi and says, ""Hey, let's fuck him!"" The rabbi, looking puzzled, replies, ""Outta what?""" +42946,3,"What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna one, Anna two" +42947,4,"[Long] A man tries to buy half a cauliflower. A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ""Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."" As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ""And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."" The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, ""I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"" ""Glasgow , sir,"" the boy replied. ""Well, why did you leave glasgow?"" the manager asked. The boy said, ""Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."" ""Really?"" said the manager. ""My wife is from Glasgow."" ""You're kidding?"" replied the boy. ""Who'd she play for?""" +42948,2,I like horror movies because of the musics They all have killer soundtracks +42949,7,"Three guys die and go to heaven. God tells them, ""Your vehicle in heaven will be determined based on how well you treated your wife."" The first guy says, ""I never cheated on my wife."" As such, he gets a Lamborghini. The second guy says, ""I cheated on my wife a little."" So he gets a used car. The third guy says, ""I cheated on my wife a lot."" So he gets a ~~motorcycle~~ ~~dirtbike~~ ~~bicycle~~ shitty bicycle. The second and third guys see the first guy crying. They ask, ""Why are you crying? You got the best vehicle of all."" The first guy says, ""I just saw my wife on rollerskates."" " +42950,0,What do you call 10 degree water? Ice. +42951,2,"Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins? Hitler, cause he’s the racist" +42952,0,"My sister would make a great politician... ...she avoids directly answering questions and always leads the blame to someone else, whether she has proof or not." +42953,2,Whats a communists favorite insurance company? Allstate +42954,1,"When the lock was in trouble He said ""don't worry I have a few key friends that can help me out""" +42955,2,"A guy goes to the hospital A guy goes to the hospital and the doctor says, ""I've got bad news, you've got cancer. But that's not all. We've also discovered that you have Alzheimer's."" The man says, ""Well at least I don't have cancer!""" +42956,6,My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard. +42957,3,I hurt myself chopping wood It was a stupid axeident +42958,3,Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls. +42959,0,What happens when an Asian with a boner runs into a wall? He breaks his nose. +42960,1,My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. I now sell smoothies. +42961,0,"Employee: ""So how did you find out about HHGregg?"" Me: ""My cat walked on my keyboard.""" +42962,5,"My daughter got in a fight with some girl who called her a whale. ​ “Come on love,” I said, “You’re bigger than that.”" +42963,1,"I heard that in the past, people who went against their leaders were thrown off a cliff. They called it the dissent to hell." +42964,1,Measuring vs Questionaries Me: To get the mass of each Can of chicken I used a digital scale Teacher: Why did you use that method to obtain your data as opposed to the other methods? Me: Because the cans refused to answer the questionnaires honestly +42965,0,What do watersports and hummus have in common? Chickpeas +42966,0,What do you call an ex-islamic extremist? ... *A muslim bummer.* +42967,1,What is a cannibals favorite junk food? HANDburgers +42968,0,"Does an Indian create tea? No, Hebrews it." +42969,0,How do you call the most difficult techniques for a Chef to master? Cucumbersome +42970,2,"You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did... I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him.." +42971,2,Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a Tesco had been built outside his house... It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area +42972,3,Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us He forgot a period. (Edit: Woo original content!) +42973,4,How do boats reproduce if they are all girls? They are covered in seamen. +42974,0,My oceanography professor just gave me my final grade It was a C +42975,0,"Things To Do At The Movies..... 1. Throw popcorn around and yell, ""It's snowing!!"" 2. Laugh when the good guy dies 3. Start a conversation on your cell phone right when the movie starts 4. Point to the beginning credits and say, ""That guy dies."" 5. Order pizza halfway through the movie 6. Sit between couples 7. Nonchalantly eat popcorn from other people's containers 8. Announce loudly to everyone in the theater that you are going to the bathroom 9. Bring in your own food such as soup and SLURP loudly. 10. Wear tall hats to block other people's view 11. Walk in as if you are a big shot while wearing the most outrageous outfit; spandex should do the trick." +42976,2,Have you heard about that new movie 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet. +42977,1,"A guy drove past me in his car and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought to myself ""That's mature!""" +42978,1,Which Pharoah announced his royal flatulence? Toot-is-comin' +42979,1,"Paul Johnson Paul Johnson was a man who lived and died by the pun. Right out the womb he was cracking jokes. Every hour of every day of elementary, puns. But in middle and high school people got tired of his puns, and he had a hard time making friends. This all changed in college, when he met a woman who enjoyed the puns for years. But everyone has their limits, after a decade and two kids she left Paul. Paul died a few years later, sad and alone. He was no longer alone though, as everyone came to his funeral for one final sendoff. As his kids and his old friends went to carry the casket to the grave, they realized it was too heavy to lift, even is death Paul was unbearable." +42980,2,A friend asked me to do their hair for a rastafarian party... I'm dreading it +42981,1,If I keep making all these Pho-related puns... ...eventually they're gonna bahn mi. +42982,0,Why did the monk refuse Codine at the dentist? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication. +42983,0,"Blood Bank A Homeless Vampire is sifting through the garbage when he hears a helicopter land right behind him. Out comes out this well dressed and rich looking Vampire. HV: Hey man that's a nice ride you got there. Where you heading to? RV: I have a date with prettiest vampire of this century. Came to the blood bank to withdrawal a few pints of their finest blood. HV: She's one lucky lady, think you can spare me a pint or two? RV: I don't give to beggers find your own blood. HV: (sifting through the garbage) What the hell you think I'm doing? I'm looking for a tampon to make some Kool-Aid." +42984,6,"My friend told me there is a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope its Todd, he's cute." +42985,0,"Did you know that every sixty seconds in Africa, A minute passes?" +42986,4,Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 +42987,0,"A man hires a very economical prostitute My wife told me this yesterday. She is Colombian so she translated it from Spanish and I took out the racist parts. A man hires a prostitute and she tells him that all the prostitutes on that street have a great rate. Very economical. ""It is $1 every time you push in and $1 every time you pull out"", she tells him. The man thinks about it and agrees that it is a great price, gives her a dollar to start and they take their clothes off and he quickly puts his dick inside her and waits. And waits. And waits. 10 minutes pass and the prostitute gets impatient and tell the man on top of her, ""Are you going to go on or what?"" The man looks a little embarrassed and tells the prostitute that he is stuck inside her. She starts freaking out and tells him to do something. The man tell her that this has happened a few times to him before and asks her to call the hospital. The prostitute grabs her cell phone and calls 911 and gives the man the phone. After a few minutes of whispering to the operator, the man hangs up. ""Well?! What did they say?"" the prostitute screams. ""The hospital told me that you need to lend me a dollar""" +42988,1,"Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub... Barman says ""Is this some kind of joke?""" +42989,3,How do you kill a circus ? Go for the juggler. +42990,0,What Indians should finish every sentence with. SMH. +42991,2,What kind of antibiotic do you give to an Italian? Amoxsicilian +42992,1,What do you call a necrophiliac's long term girlfriend? Stalemate. +42993,0,Here's a joke. Sex. I know. I don't get it either +42994,2,You wanna hear an offensive joke? Keemstar. +42995,0,"What did Hitler say to his men before they got into their tanks? “Men, get in your tanks”" +42996,1,"Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination... As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road. A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: ""Ay bruh, where we at?"" Jerome responds: ""Sheeeiii-I don't know dawg, let me check!"" -Jerome sticks his hand out the window and rides the wind in a wave motion for about a minute, then pulls it back in. Jerome clicks his tongue: ""We in North Dokata"" Tyrrell: ""Word! How do know that shit?"" Jerome: ""My watches are frozen, T!"" Tyrrell: ""Ah aright bruh. When you gonna tell me why you reppin 50 lbs of sterling watches?"" Jerome: ""Time zones foo, gotta have the time in every zone we drive in."" -Several days pass by in their travels and sure enough, Tyrrell asks of their location. J: ""Lemme check, B!"" -Jerome does his ritual with his arm out the window... J: ""Yeah dawg, we're in New Orleans! I got Mardi Gras shit all up in my watches"" T: ""Ahhh hell yeeeeah, let's get turnt brotha"" -They party it up, then hit the road for another day or two, and eventually Tyrrell begs the location question. T: ""Ay dawg..."" J: ""Lemme check..."" J: ""Watches is drippin and hot. We in Florida"" T: ""Miami, here we come baby! Wooooo!"" -About a week rolls by in their adventure, and things begin to look a bit familiar... T: ""Ay dawg, have we drove through here before?"" J: ""Lemme check..."" T: ""WHERE DAFUQ ALL YO BLING GO CUH?!?"" J: ""We're home!""" +42997,1,Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ? To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault. +42998,5,Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. +42999,3,"A woman walked into a bar and said to the barman, ‘I’d like a Double Entendre.’ So he gave her one." +43000,1,Lourdes A bar raises $1000 to take a wheelchair bound patron to Lourdes in the hope for a miracle cure. They get there and dip the man and the wheelchair into the fountain. They pray for his problem to be fixed and when he come up. Hay presto. The wheels on his chair have stopped squeaking. +43001,3,Who was the first man to masturbate in space? The first man in space! +43002,0,"I finally found the Genie's Lamp! I found the lamp and followed my expert knowledge of Aladdin to summon the Genie He arrives and tells me in a booming voice,""You have summoned me, now what are your three wishes?"" I reply in fear,""W-well you see my first wis-"" He cuts me off ""First let me tell you of my sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends""" +43003,1,"Hey United, my ex is flying flight 2145 from Atlanta to San Antonio, seat 12-D... Do your thing!!!" +43004,2,"One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother... As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam. The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?” His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.” The mother then proceeded to destroy and wreak havoc on the dam the beaver had built, destroying it in the process. All the branches and sticks were gone with the wind. Frank Lee was distraught and started to panic. “You didn’t have to do that, mother!” The mother calmly responded, “Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give a dam.”" +43005,1,"There are 10 kinds of people... Those who can read binary, and those who can't." +43006,2,"A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them ""Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."" And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her ""Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"" The Sister Responds ""Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."" St. Peter says ""Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted."" and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says ""Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"" ""Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."" ""Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted"" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun ""Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"" Sister Susan responds ""Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!""" +43007,1,Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game? In case she got a hole-in-one +43008,4,Kids are like tornadoes They're neat to watch but you can't help but be scared when they head for your house +43009,0,"I used to scoff at the people preparing for the zombie apocalypse, thinking they were irrational alarmists but then I had an encounter with corporate management and I now fear it may be too late." +43010,3,What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead I’ll hang around here. :) +43011,5,"Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are driving together in a car. A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are driving together in a car. A cop pulls them over. ""Do you know how fast you were going back there?"" the cop asks. ""No, but I know exactly where we are,"" replies Heisenberg. ""I clocked you going 85 mph,"" says the cop. Heisenberg bangs the steering wheel. ""Now we're lost!"" The cop gets suspicious. He searches the car. ""Hey, do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?"" ""We do now, you jerk!"" exclaims Schroedinger. The cop decides to arrest the men. Ohm resists. xposted from r/Sciencehumour" +43012,1,"What is ""conscience""? That which feels bad when everything else feels good." +43013,0,Why won't EA let the team that worked on Battlefield: Bad Company 2 develop the next battlefield? Because EA is a Bad Company. +43014,1,"What's your favorite food, on a scale of 1-10? Mines 3.14159265359..." +43015,3,"The marching contest Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare. The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm. The American soldiers were also close to immaculate. But, the Spanish soldiers were a mess. They couldn't get the timing right and managed to somehow fall over continuously. The day came for the marching contest. Russia and America were the 2 countries that were most likely going to win, while Spain had no hope. The first competitor was Russia. They marched perfectly, just how they did in practice. A score of 9. America was the same, but a few mistakes. A score of 8. Now came Spains turn. Then suddenly, it was as if they had been practicing for years. It was perfect, as if they were robots. Each footstep was at the exact same time as the others. Their body movement was amazing to watch. A score of 10. After the contest the American and Russian marching leaders asked the Spain leader how they did it. The Spain leader replies: ""Well, nobody expects the Spanish in position!"" " +43016,0,"What did Trump say to Pence when he bumped into him in the hallway? ""Pardon me""" +43017,3,"A truck driver was on his route and needed to take a dump, he stopped at a bar, found there was a queue in front of toilets. He waited for few minutes, but it was getting difficult for him to hold on to. So he moved from there searching for a place and went upstairs, found an empty room, there was this hole in middle of the room, took the biggest dump of his life, and came downstairs. He found the bar empty with few people left in the bar ducking under the tables, he didn't understand what was going on and inquired the bartender, all that bartender said was: ""Where were you when the shit hit the fan?""" +43018,0,A man's Wife says that she wants something that goes from 0-180 in under 10 seconds.. The man leaves for a moment and then returns with the scale from their bathroom. +43019,0,What's the difference between the grocery store and a math book? In a math book I can buy 57 papayas at $1.99 each and no one will care. +43020,0,Putin seems like a stand up guy When he's not trying to murder you and overthrow your government. +43021,0,My dad is a struggling pot addict He's having trouble turning over a new leaf +43022,0,"I like dahl, but I prefer tarka dahl coz it's a little 'otter" +43023,0,What is better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ! +43024,3,I'm often accused of being condescending. That means I talk down to people. +43025,1,I just met a very smart ant He was brilliant +43026,1,"A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with his wife. How was work dear? she asked. I had a really big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy. Oh you silly goose,she says...the heavy babies are always delivered by crane." +43027,1,A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall... The police found him by following the blueprints. +43028,1,My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work I don't think he understands how a social media manager works... +43029,1,What do you call a bear in the air? Bear-borne +43030,1,"A man dining alone sees a gorgeous red head A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. ​ 'You just happened to catch my eye.'" +43031,0,You have a 30% chance to get this Cancer +43032,2,"How did they come up with Canada's name? Well first they picked a C, eh. Then an N, eh. Then a D, eh." +43033,2,"A Yugoslavian jew moves to israel After ww2 most of the (still alive) yugoslavian jews moved to Israel. Shlomo shekelowitz decides to stay in yugoslavia just to test the new socialist regime. After a year he moves to israel. One of his old friends sees him and asks SCHLOMO! Long time we did not see each other ! How is it in Yugoslavia ? Schlomo responds : ""I couldn't complain"". His friend responds : ""Why did you move here then ?"" ""I couldn't complain"", Schlomo repeats" +43034,1,"A woman is burned terribly in a car wreck on the eve of her marriage... On being rushed to the hospital, she is admitted for 3rd degree burns. The doctor walks in, takes one look at the woman and exclaims ""I cannot debride this woman!"" Stunned, the nurse asks why. The doctor replies, ""Because I am degroom!""" +43035,1,Why is 42 the strongest number? Fortitude. +43036,1,What do you call Gigi Hadid wearing a dress made by Cinnabon? A Roll Model +43037,5,"A guy eating at a diner asks for a bowl of hot chili... The waitress says, ""Unfortunately, the man next to you ordered the last bowl"". The guy looks over and sees that the other man has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, ""Are you gonna eat that chili?"" The man says, ""No. Help yourself"". The guy gladly takes the bowl and begins to eat. However, when he gets halfway down, his spoon hits something. He looks down and sees a dead rat and instantly pukes all the chili back in the bowl. The other man says, ""Yeah, thats about as far as I got, too""." +43038,0,"The newlyweds stopped at a farmhouse and asked if they could rent a room for the night.. By noon the next day they were still not up and about, so the farmer yelled up that it was last call for breakfast. “Don’t worry about us,” called the groom, “we’re living on the fruits of love.” “Okay,” screamed the farmer, “but quit throwing the damned skins out the window—they’re choking the ducks.” " +43039,0,What’s a pirates favourite letter You think it be The argh but a pirate first love really be the sea +43040,2,"If Trump is so worried about border security, maybe he should take Prozac. You know, for Hispanic attacks. " +43041,3,What's the difference between a chick pea and potato? I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face. +43042,0,What's a bridges favourite genre of film? Suspense tion +43043,3,If you're looking for true love... Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact. +43044,1,"A cat goes to the opthalmologist because he's having trouble seeing things. The doctor checks his eyes. Cat - ""What is it doctor?"" Doctor - ""I'm sorry to tell you that you have Cat-aracts""" +43045,2,"A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated. Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. ""Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed."" she says. ""I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."" ​ She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. ""Remember when I asked you for a silver bracelet for my birthday, and you got me a toaster instead, after buying yourself a new golf club? I used your life insurance money to buy a much more expensive bracelet."" ​ She takes the lid off of the urn. ""Remember when I asked you to buy a nice sedan, and instead, you bought that ridiculous two-door Porsche? I traded that car towards a much nicer Cadillac."" ​ She tilts the urn, dumping his ashes all over the table. ""Remember when we were supposed to be saving for our anniversary cruise, and you used the money to buy your girlfriend a matching set of jewelry instead?"" she says, tracing a finger through his ashes. ""That's right, I know about Stacy from the billing department. Well, I left a note with your boss about where she got such expensive accessories from, and last I heard, they terminated her on the spot."" ​ She leans over the ashes. ""Oh, and remember that blowjob you were always begging me for?"" she asks, taking a deep breath. ""Well, here it comes..."" ​ ​" +43046,0,I'm going to open a restaurant An all you should-eat-restaurant +43047,2,Thanks to the Internet Everybody expects the Spanish Inquisition. +43048,0,How do you recognize a pilot at the bar? Oh he'll tell you +43049,0,What do you call a bunch flying waffles? The Luftwaffle +43050,0,"Son: ""Dad! I answered a question today in class that no-one else could answer!"" Dad: ""That's my boy! What was the question?"" Son: ""Who's farted""" +43051,2,Why is the moon tastier than Earth? It's meteor. +43052,1,A:I have never seen Fast and Furious. I heard it was ridiculous and not a good watch. B: I tried to watch it but it was to fast. It was over in a second. +43053,2,How do you get rid of fat demons? With a treadmill. You exercise them. +43054,1,Wanna hear a really good brain teaser? Lemme think how it goes. +43055,4,Did you hear about the t-rex who sells pistols? He's a small arms dealer +43056,1,My dog has been acting up lately... I think it's fed up with it's gender. +43057,8,"The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. “Janie, do you have a story to share?” “Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.” “Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?” “Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”" +43058,3,"3 friends are arguing over who gets more ""action"" Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here" +43059,0,Why did the chicken cross the road? He was at a white nationalist rally. +43060,1,Why are dad jokes a thing? Since Dads wanted to make it a**parent** that regular jokes were not for them. +43061,3,"A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door. Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?” His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”" +43062,6,"Back in the day, my grandfather started to say, ""you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."" ""But today,"" he continued, ""wherever you go - there are cameras.""" +43063,2,we are mostly water that's how come we're mist when we die +43064,1,"I love my dog, God, and... ...palindromes." +43065,3,"A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long) He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day. The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the following day. On the morning of his appointment, he checks his height again. He has shrunk a whole foot!! The man races to the doctor’s office as fast as possible. He bursts in the door, runs past the nurse’s station and rams down the door to the doctor’s office. “Doc! Doc!, you gotta help me”. The doctor says “calm down sir, what’s the problem?” The man says excitedly “Doc! I’m shrinking! I don’t know what to do.” The doctor looks at the man and says “I’m sorry, sir. You’re going to have to be a little patient”" +43066,1,I failed my audition as Amy Schumer I told an actual joke. +43067,0,How does a blonde turn a light on after sex? She opens the car door. +43068,0,What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he saw the Chinese religious person? [visible Confucian.] +43069,2,What has 16 legs and meows? A CATerpillar +43070,2,I like children... but I can never finish a whole one. +43071,2,"An Indian man walks into a bank. He asks ""Can you convert my 30,000 rupees into dollars please"". The teller exchanges his rupees into dollars and hands him $500. Satisfied with the current exchange rate, the Indian man leaves and returns the next day with another 30,000. He meet the teller again and asks to convert another 30,000 rupees, however, this time, the teller only gives him $400. Confused, the man asks the teller why didn't he recieve the same amount as the day before. The teller simply replies ""Fluctuations"". Furious, the Indian exclaims ""Fuck you too you racist"" " +43072,0,How did the hipster narco escape from prison? By going underground +43073,1,"My urologist is the best the last prostate check was painless and enjoyable, and the best part is that he did it with both his hands on my shoulders!" +43074,0,"I dated a blonde girl who wanted to have kids, I gave her two chances, and she blew both of them." +43075,3,My sex life is so bad... My wife and I 96. +43076,0,What's 41 times 11? I can't find the answer anywhere. +43077,3,Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies +43078,2,What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole it has often poked before? **A key**. -- *Not OC. Rumored to be first joke recorded in 10th century A.D.* +43079,0,"My favourite Fray Bentos pies were the one's with OXO in them. For the Americans... That don't know what a Fray Bentos pie is, It's like a cross between metal and terrible pastry. And for those that don't know what OXO is, it's a cross between two O's." +43080,2,How do you circumcise a guy from Wyoming? Kick his sister in the chin. +43081,1,Who’s this Iminjaro guy And why is everyone trying to kill him? +43082,4,"Did you hear the joke about thr guy with the Midas Touch and an Oediupus Complex.... It's pure, motherfucking gold!" +43083,1,"A proposal was sent for arranged marriage. The girl's parents said ""we don't like your son."" Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do?" +43084,3,"I asked the anesthesiologist if I could administer my own anesthetic... He said “go ahead, knock yourself out!”" +43085,3,What do 9 out of 10 people consider a good time? Gang rape. +43086,1,"Camouflaged ice skates You can hide, but you can't run." +43087,0,Say what you want about Hitler... What's he gonna do about it? +43088,0,Why did the hippie drown? He was too far out! +43089,3,I wasn't going to get a brain transplant initially but then I changed my mind +43090,0,What's the opposite of a flyin' centaur? A walkin' phoenix. +43091,1,Whats the difference between a hockey player and a girl from Mississippi? A hockey player showers after the third period. +43092,2,"I have the body of a god Unfortunately, it's Buddah..." +43093,3,"A bad day Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."" ""That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,"" said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. ""It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."" Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. ""Picture this,"" says the third man, ""I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."" " +43094,0,I don't get it why anyone would prefer OC over a repost. Isn't a good repost always better than original crap? +43095,6,"A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night ""Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"" ""I've had 8 drinks, officer."" ""That's no excuse to let your wife drive...""" +43096,0,What is the difference between elementary school and gym? They count more in elementary school. +43097,2,Why does Captain Kirk��s wife smell? Because William Shatner +43098,0,"I don't like going to my dentist... Whenever he does a cavity search, I always end up with the deepest fillings" +43099,2,I take a long time to wipe after I'm done with the bathroom... You could say I'm pretty anal about it. +43100,5,"Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”? Pass it on – or, rather, don’t. " +43101,0,Quavo met jesus and they had a talk. What kind of talk you ask. Well they had a L A M B T A L K +43102,2,What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto +43103,1,Words to live by from a chemistry professor: If you're not part of the solution... you are part of the precipitate. +43104,0,What would happen if Bill Clinton and George Bush had a child together? The King of Funk. +43105,0,Why can't Kid Rock be a senator? Only God Knows Why +43106,4,"So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil. The devil appeared to the man one day and said ""If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"" The man, without a second thought, agreed to this. 20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze. He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him. ""Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"" The man looked at him blankly and said ""alright"" He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes." +43107,0,"What's the difference between a car's rear bumper and a Facebook page? One is a terrible place to express complex political opinion, and the other protects the rear of a car by absorbing shock in the event of an accident." +43108,2,What's Spider-Mans favorite online music app? Spotafly. +43109,0,"Fat Friend- help ASAP HELP! ASAP hey guys, i have this friend, and he is really fat. But like, really FAT. he is giving an oral presentation today and i want to make him a billboard ""supporting"" him. I need someone to help me create a sentence that makes fun of him, mocking about his fatness without him realising. one example is : ""The road ahead of you is Huge. But you are Bigger""" +43110,0,Man walks in to a Dr. Office with a frog on his head Dr. : How can I help you Frog: can you please get this growth off my ass? +43111,4,TIL DNA was supposed to be a line But things spiraled of control +43112,0,"I find it crazy how so many people have lost their minds and I'm still sane. I know I am, the purple talking mushroom told me so" +43113,4,Why did the kid cross the road? He forgot to buckle his seatbelt +43114,2,"(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die. ""Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"" Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run for it, mounts a horse and rides off. The outlaw leader tells his friends to leave him, as he will be back to get his friend. No point chasing him. The outlaws build a campfire and the night passes. The next morning the outlaws and the lone ranger are woken by the sound of horses approaching. Tonto has come back and alongside him mounted on a horse is a fat woman in her mid 20s with skimpy clothing. Tonto dismounts and helps the fat woman off her horse. She immediately removes her skirt and underwear. She then goes over to the lone ranger and, separating her legs, straddles his face. She let's him have firsts, seconds and thirds on her pussy before getting up. The outlaw asks ""can you die a happy man now lone ranger?"" The lone ranger replies "" that was lovely tonto, but not exactly what I meant when I said run along and round up a large posse""" +43115,3,I was really excited about joining the Mile High Club... ...but my girlfriend couldn't give a flying fuck. +43116,0,"Teacher, what happens when somebody throws freezing water on you? ""Icecold.""" +43117,0,What did the mafia goon do when Daffy didn't pay back the loan shark? He worked on de duck shins. +43118,0,"I was wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Earth, so I asked my geography teacher Turns out it takes just one, but it has to be an exceptionally long lick ​ hel p me" +43119,2,"Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives...... Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, ""My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."" The second guy says, ""My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."" The third guy says, ""My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k.""" +43120,0,who wins in a slap fight with powder? the blood. +43121,3,"My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work. I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around." +43122,2,"MILK THE COW A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said ""I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!"" He then continues and says "" it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."" The uncle says with a confused look "" Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!""" +43123,1,"Which sex position do you hate the most? The one when I am on top, and nobody is underneath." +43124,1,What do you you call an illegal Gun? Undocumented +43125,1,The best extra virgin olive oil comes from Saudi Arabia. They hand inspect each olive to make sure it's still a virgin. +43126,0,"Fortune Cookie Haiku When it's cracked open, The fortune cookie replies, Ouch that really hurts! " +43127,1,My friend told me an inappropriate joke about time travelling in video games. Chrono Triggered +43128,0,So I went to France last summer and while looking at a tall building I tripped It was the I fell tower +43129,3,"The World's Most Politically Correct Joke THE WORLD'S MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE A Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Mormon, a Sikh, a Hare Krishna, a Buddhist, a Pagan, an Atheist, a 3rd wave feminist, a non-binary gender neutral otherkin, a transgender Black Lives Matter activist, a Jehovah's Witness and a Muslim walk into a bar that only serves gluten free, dairy free, eco friendly, carbon neutral, halal, kosher, non GM, fair trade, free range, vegan, recycled water. Nobody said or did anything and an acceptable time was had by all." +43130,1,"Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Seven.""" +43131,2,"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors..." +43132,2,What is Grodon Ramsay's favorite movie? It's fucking FROZEN! +43133,0,"Why are black people so good at basketball? Because all you have to do is RUN, SHOOT, and STEAL!" +43134,1,What is a terrible comedians favorite food ? Puncakes +43135,0,"The Twitter Twit After being declared winner of the election that he assured us in advance would be rigged, the Twitter Twit finds nothing funny, especially about himself on Saturday Night Live. He wants ""equal time"" to prove it. .... How sad.... For us." +43136,0,Why are chemists bad at playing pranks? Because they lack the element of surprise. +43137,4,What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings? A complex complex complex. +43138,6,I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples' crotch Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up. +43139,2,My friend keeps telling jokes about nuclear war It’s making me go MAD +43140,2,My Ex told me I overanalyse things... I'd believe her but she uses that excuse 19.3% of the time. +43141,3,What did one strawberry say to the other? If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam. +43142,1,"What Sound Does a Genetically Modified Cow Make? ""Gmoo""" +43143,1,"Asked the bar-owner, what is your WiFi code, He replied we do not have WiFi in this bar. I said is that all lower case?" +43144,4,"Ex's meet after a month of divorce ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have sex with my girlfriend? ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her? ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer." +43145,0,"Do you have a second, Andrew? Nope, there’s only one of me." +43146,10,"Cheating Wives A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, ""Wanna make a $100?"" The cabbie says, ""Sure, what do I have to do?"" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, ""Here! Hold her!"" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, ""THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"" The cabbie replied, ""I KNOW. IT'S MINE... I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"" " +43147,1,What do brick walls and your mom have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans. +43148,0,"A blind and famous 'tactile-voyant' psychic reads three famous celebrities The three walk into a room where they see the psychic: A masked man in a thick overcoat. He explains they shouldn't be alarmed, and that this is by far the best way to conceal his identity from myriad detractors. The first celebrity walks up, muffling their voice to make sure the psychic doesn't immediately recognize them. His hands are guided to their body by an assistant, and he proceeds to caress every part of them. After some uncomfortable minutes of touching, the psychic says ""I can feel the essence of heavy paint and Hugh Jackman on your body. You must be Jennifer Lawrence!"" Jennifer screams ""Yes!"" in utter disbelief. The next celebrity approaches, and the process is repeated. Eventually, the psychic claims ""I feel a famous rap-musician complementing the gleaming hue of your body. You must be Beyonce!"" Beyonce stumbles backwards, desperately asking those nearby how the psychic could possibly know such a thing. The last celebrity steps forward wearing a mask. The psychic's assistant warns him via a hidden earpiece that this individual might be trouble. Speaking into his collar, the 'blind psychic' informs his subordinate that she doesn't look very threatening and thinks he can handle her just fine. She walks up to him, and he begins to explore the unknown woman's entire body. He squeezes her breasts, pinches her buttocks, and ... ""Hold on"" the psychic gasps in realization, ""is that *you*, Ivanka?!""" +43149,0,"I used to have a pet snake It was one of those Brazilian snakes that came from the tropical rain forest. It was such a beautiful snake, the pattern on his scales were so intricate. I named him Ted, pretty unoriginal, but I was seven and it stuck. Anyway, as I grew up, Ted turned into a huge dick. He used to love coming out of his tank and playing with me, but as time went on, he seemed to like me less and less. The only way I was able to get him to spend any time with me was if I offered him some fresh Pepperidge Farm bread, you know, the sweet, pre-formed type usually eaten with hot dogs or hamburgers. If I didn't bring his favorite treats, he wouldn't have anything to do with me. Turns out my anaconda was not interested in me unless I had buns." +43150,3,"Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"" Me: ""Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.""" +43151,6,"What’s the difference? Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine. Edit: WOW. The format was indeed terrible. Sorry folks! " +43152,2,How do you make 5 pounds of ugly fat really attractive? Put a nipple on it! +43153,0,Origami Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper +43154,0,"A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim are playing a role playing game... The Muslim says ""I want to play as a Christian character to get a different viewpoint."" The Jew says ""If that's the case then I would like to play as the Muslim, to get a different view point as well."" They both look over at the Christian and the Jew asks ""what will your character be?"" The Christian responds ""Fine. I'll be Juden...""" +43155,0,Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. +43156,0,Pubes are a lot like Brussels sprouts You just brush them aside and keep eating +43157,2,What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? One Inch Punch +43158,0,What does Europeans call (American) football? Not-soccer. +43159,4,"One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die. When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death. A month later, the boy once again dreamt of a death in the family, this time his cousin's. Again, he told his father about the dream the next day and lo behold, a cousin of his did indeed die at midnight, the same day. Another month after that, the boy again had a dream. In this dream, it was an aunt of his' turn to rest in peace. Sure enough, by 12 o'clock midnight, one of the boy's aunts passed away. Sensing a pattern, the father began to believe that his son's dreams were prophetic in nature, which is why he was horrified to hear about his son's dreams a month later. Son: ""Daddy will die"" He was dumbfounded. He frantically searched for a safe hiding spot as he tightly gripped his phone in case he needed to make a call for an ambulance. He hid himself in the closet as he waited anxiously till midnight. The next day, he got out of the closet breathing a huge sigh of relief. He was baffled, and he felt stupid for being fooled into believing a mere coincidence. That is, until he heard the loud crying and mourning of his wife from the living room. The father ran as fast as he could only to find his wife sitting on the floor, sobbing, with a phone on hand. Father: ""What happened?! Is everything okay?"" Mother: ""Dave! I received a call, your best friend just died last night!!""" +43160,0,"Realistically, fucking Medusa would be difficult - avoiding eye contact would be a pain in the ass But I guess you’d always be rock hard. " +43161,2,About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease He went downhill quite quickly after that. +43162,0,Regular sex makes my whole day. Anal sex makes my whole week. +43163,0,Michael Jackson I was in Tescos the other day when I saw some bloke who reminded me of Michael Jackson. He came up to me and said 'Never forget Michael Jackson'. +43164,3,"My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go. On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday." +43165,3,What do you call an epileptic frolicking in a garden? Seizure salad. +43166,1,Let me tell you a terrible joke First lettuce sit down... +43167,4,(Star Wars) If Finn and Rey hooked up and had a child The child would definitely be on the dark side +43168,0,What college did the fart want to go to? Poop University or P.U. For short. She came up with that one too. +43169,0,The presidential candidates That is all. +43170,0,I hate working during the holidays I am always chris-miffed +43171,1,I should have known what I was getting into when I volunteered to help clean off the graffiti. The writing was on the wall. +43172,1,"The Idiot of the Year Every year, all of the biggest idiots of the world gather together to pick the Idiot of the Year. All of the most idiotic minds of the world pack into an auditorium, and watch the stage. Slowly the curtain rises on the stage, and the first person to identify the object is crowned ""Idiot of the Year"". Back in 2014, the idiots convened in Paris. The auditorium was filled, the lights were dimmed, and the audience trembled with excitement. The curtain started to rise, slowly revealing the object! Three wheels... A seat... Two pedals... Handlebars... When suddenly a member of the audience stood up and shouted, ""it's a tricycle!"" And the music began to play: ""du da du da duuuuuu da deer! You're the idiot of the year!"" Last year, the idiots convened in New York. The auditorium was filled, the lights were dimmed, and the audience slam it couldn't contain themselves. ""Last year it was a tricycle"", they said, ""what could it be possibly be this year?"" Then the curtain began to rise, slowly revealing 2015's object! Two wheels... A seat... Two pedals... Handlebars... When suddenly a woman in the very back row stands up and shouts, ""It's a bicycle!"" And the music began to play: ""du da du da duuuuuu da deer! You're the idiot of the year!"" The Idiot of the Year convention for 2016 occurred quite recently actually. In the interests of allowing more idiots to attend the convention, the event would be hosted on reddit. The auditorium was filled, the lights were dimmed, and a dull roar issued forth from the audience. ""It was a tricycle two years ago,"" they said, ""and a bicycle last year. What could it possibly be this year?"" All this commotion was cut off, however, by the rising of the curtain to reveal this year's object! Only one wheel... A seat... Two pedals... No handlebars... And suddenly someone stood up and shouted out, ""I know what it is! It's a... It's a uh... Shoot what's that thing, with only one wheel, and a seat?"" ""What is it?"" " +43173,4,"My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day. " +43174,0,What do you call a fat person with scoliosis? A Hunchback Whale +43175,1,"Little Girl: ""Mom what's this?"" *she pulled down her pants* Mom: ""That's your garage, don't let boys put their car into your garage."" She nods and hops off. (Next door) Little Boy: ""Dad whats this? "" *he pulls down his pants* Dad: ""That's your car, you need to put that into a girls garage."" He nods and hops off. Little girl walks in with her hands covered with blood. Mom: ""WHAT HAPPENED!? "" Little Girl: ""The little boy from next door tried to put his car into my garage so I pulled its wheels off.""" +43176,4,What did O say to Q? Hey put that thing back in your trousers. +43177,0,People constantly tell me that I’m apathetic Shut up oh my god I actually couldn’t care less +43178,2,Why did the PETA member crash his car? He loved vegetables so much he wanted to become one. +43179,1,What did the Australian say to the hawk? Good eye! +43180,6,"Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them." +43181,2,"2 hillbillies Two hillbillies, Cletus and Billy Bob, walk down the road together. Cletus has a burlap sack slung over his shoulder, and Billy Bob gets as curious as someone with a brain the size of a pea possibly could be. ""Hey there, Cletus, what've ya got in that there bag?"" ""Chickens, Billy Bob."" Cletus responded with a nod. ""An' how many then, Cletus?"" Billy Bob asked him. Cletus put his free hand on his chin and wrinkled his eyebrows in thought. ""Tell yer what, Billy Bob... If yer can guess how many chickens I got in this here bag, you can have the both of 'em."" ""Ah bet ya got 3."" " +43182,0,We had no running water so I went outside to see what the problem was and noticed a beaver decided to make its house in the hole where I get my water from and I thought to myself.... Well dam +43183,0,Why do gay guys also like to drink white claws? Because it comes in cute tall boy cans. +43184,0,"Even though I hate it, math is special. It's the only place I can buy 400 cantaloupes without people asking what the hell's wrong with me " +43185,0,Why does your mom taste like a cow? Because she's umami. +43186,3,"A man walks into a drug store... And asks the druggist for two boxes of condoms. The druggist asks ""do you need a paper bag with that?"" To which the man replies ""hell no, she's good looking!""" +43187,0,Enough of the Justin Bieber jokes Why does everyone pick on her? +43188,0,What do dentist's old report cards look like? AAAAAAA +43189,3,What do Christian werewolves say? Howlelujah +43190,2,"Aquaman met Batman at a party Batman says 'I've never met you before. So, what do you do, exactly?' Aquaman: 'I fight all the villains of the sea.' Batman: 'Huh. I didn't know there were any villains in the sea?!' Aquaman: *'Cause I do my JOB!'*" +43191,6,"A piece of string walks into a bar The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here” The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar, The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before” The string replies “I’m a frayed knot” " +43192,5,"An Email from God One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said???? You didn't get one either,.....huh? " +43193,0,"Two blondes are walking through the woods when they came across a set of tracks The first blonde says, ""those are deer tracks"" The second replies, ""No those are moose tracks"" ""No, deer tracks"" ""No, moose tracks"" ""Deer tracks!"" ""Moose tracks!"" ""DEER TRACKS!"" ""MOOSE TRACKS!"" They were still arguing when the train hit them." +43194,2,"NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself. In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees were bare of leaves. “Damn.” he says to his buddy. “I really gotta take a crap, and I totally forgot the TP! I don’t think I can hold it much longer either!” The hunter’s friend replied “Well, do you have a dollar on you? It’s worked for me in a pinch once or twice.” “Great idea!” The first hunter said as he was already climbing down from the stand. He quickly disappeared into the woods. A half an hour came and went, and the second hunter was beginning to worry about his friend. Just before he was about to climb down and go look for his buddy, he hears a noise, and his buddy come crashing through the brush. There stood his friend, wearing only his underwear and boots, holding his now completely shit-stained clothing. Utterly confused, the hunter asks his friend, “What the hell happened? I thought I told you to use a dollar!” To which his friend replied “I’d like to see you wipe your ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”" +43195,5,If Donald Trump wins I'm going back to Africa For some political stability.. +43196,3,What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women +43197,0,"Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She stormed out of the office and called Bill's cell phone. Hillary said: ""Do you know what you did you rotten bastard"" You got me pregnant!"" Bill remained quiet. Again, Hillary screamed, ""DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"" Finally Bill answered, ""Who is this?""" +43198,2,If Karl Marx made a contraceptive company Would it's slogan be seize the means of reproduction? +43199,0,If I wash my d* would you suck it? No. You dirty cock sucker! +43200,0,"Biology Research After my careful research into the carrying capacity/population ratios and the means by which each population procreates, I have found that you are a K selected species and that politicians are an R selected species." +43201,1,"Leaving well enough alone... A man living near a natural spring lake didn't like the taste of the water so he decided to dig a well of his own. But he couldn't afford the tools and extra help. He went to the bank to borrow a million dollars. When he got there, he explained the situation and, after a few moments, the bankers returned to give him their decision. ""We think it's probably better,"" they said, ""that you leave *well* enough a-loan.""" +43202,0,"People always ask me why I procrastinate.. They say, ""you know, the early bird gets the worm."" I just respond, ""yes, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.""" +43203,0,"Roger Moore and Sean Connery were having a chat... Moore: You know that actress who played Pussy Galore in Goldfinger? I hear she has split her pussy wide open Connery: What, Honor Blackman? Moore: No on her vibrator" +43204,1,I am an influencer now I yawned in class today and a person looking at me also yawned +43205,5,"Duck a Fuck A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”" +43206,1,"A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew are lost in the desert. “I am thirsty and must have wine,” exclaims the Frenchman. “I am thirsty and must have beer,” cries out the German. “I am thirsty and must have diabetes,” says the Jew." +43207,0,Why doesn't the stone vendor value money? Because he takes it for granite. +43208,3,When women get to a certain age they begin to accumulate cats This is known as many paws. +43209,3,"My girlfriend wants me to dress up as an Eskimo while having sex. Some might think it's a little weird, but I'm innuit" +43210,1,What do you call a bears with no ear? BS. +43211,0,How do you call Moon Moon after she has puppies? Moom. +43212,0,Did you know one of the founding fathers was so promiscuous there was an STD named after him? Nobody wanted to catch the Urethra Franklin. +43213,3,Why are sandwiches the food of choice in Alabama? Because they're all in bread +43214,2,English and American spellings England: colour America: color England: humour America: humor England: flavour America: flavor England: What the hell are you doing? America: Getting rid of u +43215,0,What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer? A hole in Juan. +43216,1,I married a dog. My wife's a bitch. +43217,5,Please don't type Part A backwards It's a trap! +43218,3,You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally. Do it when you are offered food +43219,0,My eyes are pretty bad But at least I see 2020 on the horizon +43220,2,"I hate grammar nazis, There so annoying." +43221,0,"What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, and one’s a Great year." +43222,2,"What do you call a deaf priest ? What ever you want, he wont hear you ." +43223,2,What English word can be both a noun and verb at the same time? Verb +43224,0,There was a paradox... And ***Theseus*** parked his ***ship*** right in-between them. 😂 +43225,0,"[OC] Flex tape is selling flex tape wich is not perfect, but still works Wired flex but ok" +43226,2,"I was just scrolling through my son's google history... ""Anal tips"" ""Do I need a condom?"" ""PornHub: guy shaking his arse"" ""Wham! The full collection"" ""Can men wear make up?"" I can't believe he listens to Wham! What a gay boy. " +43227,1,Why don’t penguins get legally married? Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage. +43228,3,Teacher: Does anyone know how ventriloquism works? Me: Yes. Teacher: Put your hand up before you speak! Me: Exactly. +43229,0,"Engineers and programmers A group of engineers and programmers were on their way to a tech convention. They decided to take the train. The programmers all each bought one ticket. The engineers only bought one ticket. The programmers all snickered amongst themselves on how stupid the engineers were. One engineer was posted on the car door and when he spotted the ticket collector, he called out ""Ticket collector!"". The programmers all gave their tickets to the collector and waited for the engineers to be caught. The engineers all piled up inside the bathroom, and when the ticket collector knocked on the bathroom door, for the ticket, they slid out the one ticket they possessed. After the ticket collector left the car, the engineers all piled out of the bathroom. The programmers were shocked, and decided that they were going to do the same exact thing on the trip back. After the tech convention, the programmers all bought one ticket and the engineers bought no tickets. Now the programmers really thought that the engineers were stupid. The engineer spotted the ticket conductor, and both groups piled into separate bathrooms. One engineer slipped out of the bathroom, knocked on the programmers' bathroom door, and called out ""ticket please!"". The programmers slid out the ticket and the engineer took it to the engineer bathroom. When the real ticket collector came and knocked on the engineer door, the engineers slid out the programmer's ticket. When he got to the programmers door, the programmers had no tickets, and they all were fined for having no ticket." +43230,0,What do you call a man mowing the lawn with a pig on his head? Mohamhed. +43231,1,"What did one dehydrated French guy say to the other? What do we do now, Pierre?" +43232,1,What starts with M and ends with E that makes people happy for the rest of their lives Me I am a divorce lawyer. +43233,0,"Why were the Star Wars made IV, V, VI, I, II, III? Because in charge of distribution, Yoda was." +43234,0,"If a man says he'll do something, he'll do it... No need to nag him about it every other month" +43235,1,"Two biscuits are in the oven when one says “wow, is it just me or is it getting hot in here”... The other biscuit says “holy shit a talking biscuit!”" +43236,0,Whats a childs favourite dinosaur? A Duplodocus +43237,3,"So there was a group of deviants at a bar. They are all together, one was a zoophiliac, other a necrophiliac, another a pyromaniac and the last one a sadomasochist. The zoophiliac says ""We should grab a cat and fuck it all together!"" The pyromaniac says ""Then we should burn it!"" The necrophiliac says ""Then we should fuck it again!"" And the sadomasochist stays quiet, the rest look at him and one says. ""Don't you have anything to add?"" and he goes. ""Meow...""" +43238,1,How was God capable of making the human body He's a good organizer +43239,4,"The three wishes Genie: you have three wishes me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?"